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The Botetourt Squat @botetourtsquat

Vol. 10, Issue 4 ‘Is It News? Probably.’ February 4th, 2020

Botetourt Beat Pandemic Sweeps Globe; Corona Posts Record-

Breaking Profits
Aheehee Ahoohoo
₰ Kaitlin BennIT, she kills children do you get
it…. With guns
₰ 24speed Recap: Two Dentists got snubbed
₰ #squatisoverparty
₰ My nipples still hard over cold shower
₰ I Infiltrated Flat Hat Office; y’all live like this?
₰ Where do these Improv Groups come up with
these fucking names
₰ Yes, I’m a virgin. Yes, I’ve had sex. Deal wiffit
₰ I got a second degree burn on my schvantz cuz
I fuckd da lasaga (superhot)
₰ “TWAMP eats my dad” -Sadler Fish
₰ How do I tell my parents I want to be a human-
ities major?
₰ Superbowl commercial cry count: 3
₰ New Pepsi Drink Machines: What is W&M
Spending too much money on?
₰ Swamp Ass is the default here
₰ This is: Generational Humor
₰ “Baby to Big Balls”
₰ I robbed a gas station to get into PSP
₰ Squat Lets Play: Quiplash
₰ Model UN drama turned catastrophic; ‘go out-
side’ one exasperated onlooker says
₰ Jefferson successfully delivers its annual trag-
edy
₰ Richmond students rejoice for temporary win
over Landrum — “My shower is at least consis-
tently awful”
₰ “I think we can all sing” says begruntled aca-
pella reject
₰ Punxsutawney Phil sees no shadow: Spring not
the only thing coming early this year
₰ #babynut
₰ Dorm Superbowl party prizes: Tide Pods
₰ I’m not single, my Google Home whispers little
nothings in my ear every night
BY PARTICLE MAN - SKYLORD the highest quality product makes it has a high incubation time before
Corona Smells Like Weed
into each respiratory system [B-roll its hosts are symptomatic, meaning
A new, refreshing brew is the footage of rugged guy with a beard you and everyone you know will
life of the party, and by party I opening a copper thing, then check- be enjoying Coronavirus long after
mean global populus, and by life I ing stuff off on a clipboard]. Un- you’ve been first exposed to it.
like our competitors, Coronavirus
mean death. Crack open an ice-cold
Coronavirus, low-carb and made in
small batches at our state-of-the-art
facility in Wuhan. [B-roll footage
of a lime being wedged into a Co-
rona. It feels vaguely phallic]. The
perfect compliment to your next
international flight, little league
game, or orgy, the Coronavirus is
made only with the highest quality
ingredients: yeast, malt, water, and
an accidentally-leaked bioweapons
experiment by the People’s Repub-
lic of China.
For a cool summer sipper, invert
a Cornoavirus into your margari-
ta, or maybe into your healthcare
system. Watch as your worries and
your infrastructure melt away. Feel-
ing picante(TL note: picante means
spicy)? Coronavirus is the perfect
base for a michelada, and a perfect
catalyst for the end of the fucking
world.
James Hedreen, really fucking
drunk guy, comments, “Yeah I got
the Corona virus once, it’s sort of
like the Natty splatties. These days
I just chug mouthwash though, it’s
cheaper.”
Our master brewers use a special,
patented process to ensure that only

W&M to offer major in Soundcloud rap

BY SOULLESS GINGER
Doctorate In Getting Puss
The wider campus commu-
nity woke to a shock this past
Monday morning when Presi-
dent Rowe announced a new
major, one designed to stem the
tide of W&M students drop-
ping out to be amateur rappers.
Yes, that’s right — starting this
semester, you can declare a ma-
jor in Soundcloud rapping. Not
any other kind of rapping, just
Soundcloud rapping.
Lil Woody Quatro, real
name Hank Woodlington IV,
was among the first to sign up.
“Yeah, I was like, an econ major
— wack — but that was only so
I would know how to manage
my empire after the come up.
But this is much better, it’s like,
the uncut shit.” Woodlington,
who only applied to college after
failing to convince his parents
that he was about to blow up,
reported that he greatly enjoyed
his new music theory class.
“Yeah, it used to take me fifteen
minutes to make a beat, but now
I have that down to five, no cap.
Anyway, check out my Sound-
cloud.”
But the life of the sound-
cloud rapper is much more
than music. Other classes teach
students how to DM Instagram
models, choose a hair dye, and
properly get high off of anxiety
meds and/or cough syrup. Some
might balk at this, but others
point out the cultural enrichment
that the program offers. Accord-
ing to Jerome Twomby, better
known as XanaXNARUTO, one
of his classes has taught him
“... all about anime and shit. All
that Japanese shit. You can’t
name your favorite Dragon Ball
Z character, you ain’t a rapper.
That’s why I’m gonna get a neck
tat of Goku. Anyway, check out
my Soundcloud.” After speak-
ing to us, Twomby went back to
sampling audio from Cowboy
Bebop videos on Youtube.
Despite protests from the old-
heads, student reactions have
widely been positive. Jared
Felton/Lil Yung Boi The Baby,
after assuring us that he greatly
enjoys marijuana, explained
why: “The incredible shit about
Soundcloud is that it breaks
down barriers. It doesn’t matter
who you are, where you came
from, or what your story is —
you can become a name. That’s
why I’m so excited that these
classes and resources are now
available to an affluent, plural-
ity white student body.” He then
encouraged us to check out his
Soundcloud.
AGENDA SETTING The Botetourt Squat § February 4, 2020 § PAGE 2

Local virgin fears he The most important moments of

may have contracted
syphilis
BY RON CHI
Its “Ron Kai” not “Ron Chee”
Local virgin Prescott Applegate ’21
has reportedly contacted numerous
friends and family members over fears
that he had contracted syphilis. Apple-
gate’s friends attempted to convince
him that it was impossible for Apple-
gate to have contracted the virus as he
has never had sex, shared needles, re-
ceived tattoos or piercings or done any-
thing else to increase his risk of con-
tracting the virus. When asked for com-
ment, Applegate reportedly said “I’m
too rich for this disease. This kind of
thing should not happen to me.” We
bribed his pediatrician to release his
medical records and tell us what is re-
ally going on. He said, “Yeah no. He
definitely has syphilis. Man’s donger
looked like it’s Patient Zero. I asked
Prescott, ‘are you sexually active?’ to
which he showed me a list of the peo-
ple he slept with along with photo, age,
major, and favorite childhood cartoon. I
insisted a simple yes, no answer would
suffice, but he wouldn’t stop. I gave him
his antibiotics and told him to fuck off.”
Applegate is a business major, an active
member of the William and Mary Young
Republicans club, and is a member of the
Kappa Alpha fraternity organization.
The Botetourt Squat
‘Casus sunt, notabile est’
James Blair 219
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu
Current Staff The Honored Dead
Hallie Feinman, This Julia Wicks, Ghost Child
Christian Borio, Is Anna Simpson, Anime
Becca Klinger, A Girl
Justin Bernier, Cry Jonah Abraham, Senile
Aidan O’Hallaran, For Monarch
Noah Dowe, Help Tommy Blackwell,
Rachel Lane, If Sellout
Natalie Wexler, You’re Mark Hutchens, Force
Lucia Eovino, Reading Ghost
Barrett Smith, This Zach Rubin, Waifu
Peter Rizzo, They Andy Goodstein, Golden
JR Erskine, Have God
Tristan Robinson, Me Charles Gowan, Seabis-
Matthew Reid, Hostag- cuit
Noah Broude Zack Quaratella, Enigma
Jamie Godfrey Rigel Kaufman, Milton’s
Taylor Cheatwood Lucifer
Layout by a whole bunch of loser virgins
Disclaimer: This is a satirical publication and
should be read as such. Not intended to be read
by anyone under 18, Student Affairs, or people
who don’t understand satire. Special thanks to our
lovely Swem Cataloguers, who have to endure
this monthly hardship. Any non-public figures
represented here are either fictional or represented
with their express consent. Please don’t sue us.
We don’t have money. We don’t have anything.
Democratic primary debate
BY SOMEONE WHO TOTALLY WATCHED IT
Slightly unsure why primaries are happening, its only 2018
0:00 – Penguin-suit-clad Bernie Sand-
ers waddles onto stage. His left flipper
squeaks as he walks, but his right flip-
per somehow sighs, like a scorned lov-
er. Exactly 3 people clap on average 22
times.
0:06 – After almost five minutes of
dead air, the rest of the candidates are
lowered in via scrapyard crane magnets.
The question-master is revealed to be
God, in his 7th Day Adventist outfit. He
delivers some opening remarks on the
virtue of genuine democratic engage-
ment, but places air quotes around ev-
ery single word. An NFL kickoff cam-
era pans through the audience, with ap-
propriate jingle. Guarding. He would later go
0:35 – Every time Elizabeth Warren on to cite “fucking input lag” as the rea-
attempts to answer a question, an anon- son he couldn’t beat his personal best.
ymous crowd member honks an airhorn. 1:11 – God grows weary of mortal foi-
The crowd member is revealed to be Jeb bles and decides to let Santa take over.
Bush. Rather than scorn him or escort He repairs back to heaven, beaten down
him out, the bailiff coos and offers him by the weight of it all. He sips a dou-
a half-eaten lollipop. ble-scotch in darkness and begins carv-
0:51 – Having maxed production ing out a new non-flood-based plan to
throughput of the Monsters Inc.-esque purge the unclean.
generator that runs on cringe, Pete But- 1:44 – Andrew Yang’s chances of
tigieg is Jinxed-Personal Jinxed by Tom winning the nomination made manifest
Steyer in order to prevent a grid over- rushes the stage with a modified t-shirt
load. Steyer counts to 10 before Butte- cannon reverse-engineered from Demo-
gieg is able to touch a doorknob. Butt- crat intellectual honesty and begins fir-
igeig now owes Steyer a coke and is ing pressurized stacks of government
no longer allowed to speak until Steyer accountability into the crowd.
says his name. 1:58 – For final jeopardy, everyone
1:01 – Rather than answer the ques-
tion “Why are you qualified to be the
is forced at low-capacity hunting-only
gunpoint to say one positive thing about
leader of the free world,” Joe Biden Donald Trump. Unsure if they are al-
cracks his knuckles and begins speed- lowed to filibuster a debate, all candi-
running Devil May Cry 4 on the projec- dates filibuster just to be safe. The cam-
tor screen. He flubs the one-cycle Savior era slowly pans in on the disheveled
kill but manages to shave off time with American flag shoved into the corner.
some risky skips and impressive Royal
THOTS ON LIFE
W&M’s Premiere Sex and Lifestyle Column
What’d you do over break?
I shit my pants. First, I bought all my textbooks I worked at a bank and
for this semester, then for the embezzled like crazy.
classes that already put up their #nodazeoff #hustle
syllabi, I got a headstart on all my #entrepeneurlyfe
readings and assignments. #millionairesclub
The Botetourt Squat February 4th, 2020 PAGE 3

Whiteclaw pissed by how much press Corona is getting with

BY DR. ROWBOT
the Coronavirus
Whiteclaw has been THE
Ain’t No Laws go-to drink when you want
your La Croix to be a bit spicier
and actually want to know how to pronounce what
you’re drinking.
With the sleek design as a result, Whiteclaw has
been flourishing on the content frat bros and wanna-
bee Instagram influencers post with the drinks and
the caption “ain’t no laws when drinking claws.”
But with the coronavirus taking over the world
faster than a NOVA kid saying they’re from D.C.,
Whiteclaw is pissed about how much free press Co-
rona has been getting with the Coronavirus. After
sliding into the Whiteclaw DM’s on Instagram and
pleading for an interview harder than a girl pretend-
ing she knows a brother, we were able to secure an
interview on the conditions we changed names and
used company branding.
BS (yes, we know our initials are BS. Deal with
it.): So Coronavirus?
Chad (not his real name, but might as well be):
Yeah it’s just totally not lit, bro. Our slogan is “ain’t
no laws when drinking claws” and like last time
I checked viruses don’t follow laws so the virus
should be called Whiteclawrus. I like walruses too!
BS: Why would Whiteclaw want to be associated
with a deadly virus mass amounts of panic and trag-
edy?
Chad: Because of the press bro. Corona has got-
ten so lucky with all of this! Like what’s next, Coro-
na Seltzer Virus? Damn, they’re marketing team is
straight fire. This is the best thing to happen to the
Corona company.
BS: What would the ideal situation be?
Chad: The next epidemic that breaks out the CDC
contacts us, we do a joint marketing campaign and
the virus will make our sales go through the roof be-
cause “ain’t no laws when drinking claws.”

A Straight Man’s Guide to Gay Sex

BY BOTTOM FEEDER
Yeah, You Can Call Me Woke
Sup.
If you’re a dude whose girl
won’t put out for him, this is
just the guide for you!
I may be a hetero, but I
earned my degree in Gender,
Sexuality, and Women’s Stud-
ies, meaning I know all there
is to know about gay sex!
In this crash course, I’ll ex-
plain to you, the straight man,
the ins, outs, and ins of gay
sex without making it gay! If
you want info on lesbian sex,
sorry. No luck here. Maybe
try going to a Lambda party?
First things first – foreplay.
Rub his phallic protrusion,
fellas. “Phallic protrusion”
may also be interchanged
with “peepee.” If you refer to
it or think about it as “dick”
or “penis,” that’s super homo.
Try a lil’ suck if you’re feel-
ing adventurous. Think of it
like a masturbating lollipop
– you have to lick it, suck it,
and stroke it simultaneously.
But you can’t mangle it. Go
too hard and his lil’ buddy will
er through like a real man,
here’s how to make rimming
not gay: use your tongue like
a credit card and think of his
crack like a credit card ma-
chine. Swipe your tongue
once. Wait a minute. Card
declined. Swipe it a second
time. Declined. Try again.
Repeat. Not gay if you think
this way!
Once you’re ready to move
on to penetration, double
check that all articles of
clothing are still on you. You
cannot, at any point, remove
an article of clothing, or else
you become gay. You can ap-
preciate a nice six-pack in the
locker room later. Bottoms
(the one who takes the pee-
pee) should grab some lube
or spit and finger themselves
to loosen up. This decreases
the gayness of the situation
tenfold, as the top sometimes
takes it upon himself to fin-
ger the bottom. Tops (the one
actually using his peepee)
should do absolutely nothing.
You don’t even need a con-
dom – there’s no way you can
make a baby, stupid! Hope-
You can change positions if
you want, just make sure you
never face each other. What-
ever you do, DON’T LOOK
IN EACH OTHER’S EYES.
If you do, you’ll start to re-
alize that you’re gay, which
defeats the purpose of being
straight. You should also avoid
any dom/sub dynamics. If you
end up acting sub, that means
you’re the girl in the relation-
ship, and you’re no girl. Avoid
any and all kinds of dirty talk.
As soon as even the tiniest of
moans escape your lips, that
shows you like it. To summa-
rize: NO ENJOYMENT. NO
VULNERABILITY.
When you’re about ready to
5 Ways To Spice Up Your
Sex Life
BY PARTICLE MAN – SKYLORD
Heres a hint: Its Anal.
1) Anal
2) Anal
3) Anal
finish, pretend you’re with your
girl and pull out. However, un-
like your girl, don’t spray your
load all over your bro’s face.
Both dudes should remove a
sock or grab a tissue, stand in
separate rooms, and release
their frustration. Clean up for
the top is easy. Just leave after
saying a final “No homo” and
setting up a follow-up sesh if
you so desire. Bottoms should
consult a doctor about their
hemorrhoids ASAP.
And that’s all there is to know
about straight gay sex! Stay
tuned for next week when I
go over the bisexual’s guide to
picking a lane!

turn purple. You guys think
you’re up for the challenge?
For a bit of added technique,
pretend his peepee is a Sam
Adams twist off. Grip it, twist
the cap off, and drink ‘til you
forget. And make sure to say
“no homo” before and after
fully, by now, the bottom and
top should have done little to
no preparation for sex. The
more you prepare, the more
you care, and the gayer you
look. When you’re ready, the
top should ram his peepee
in as hard as he can. If you
4) Anal Beads
5) Anal
Press Replay with Becca K.
You know there’s a whole cursed mash-
up culture on youtube? It all started when my

each act that you do. That’s don’t go really hard and fast roommate introduced me to Sugar We’re Go-

twice, got it?
Gays have a secret technique
passed down for generations
that only they know how to
immediately, that shows you
care about the bottom’s plea-
sure and well-being, and car-
ing about others is for girls,
ing Down x Everybody Was Kung Fu Fight-
ing, I have since learned you can search “ani-
mal crossing mashup” (personal favorite is with
Childish Gambino), “USSR anthem mashup”
(pf: Imagine Dragons), and “Wii mashup” (pf:

do well: rimming. This is right? The bottom may start It Wasn’t Mii), “Kahoot mashup” (pf: Sweet

when your tongue goes into
and around another guy’s
bootyhole. Think of it like
licking an ice cream cone, but
bleeding and/or pooping on
the top’s peepee. That’s com-
pletely normal. If the bottom
used an enema to clean his
Dreams). Other wonderful mashups include I
Write Sins x iSpy, Wish You Were Here x Gary
Come Home, and “Sweet Fat-bottomed Ala-
bama. There are so many more, but part of the
fun is finding these musical masterpieces your-

the ice cream is another guy’s bootyhole beforehand, that self.

Becca K. owns more funky socks than she’d
butthole. Will it taste good? shows he cared about not shit- like to admit. A self-declared business bitch, she
Absolutely not. If you can ting on the top. Remember: proudly owns three pairs of Crocs - one for work,
stop being a pussy and pow- caring is for pussies. one for play, and one to fill with beans. Yum.
VARIETY
The Botetourt Squat Presents: Fall In Housing Changes For the Bold™
Love In 18 questions BY JAM SONES Our first solution is removing AC units
BY MR. ROWEBOT Kinda Musty TBH
This was totally not a copy of the New York Times Fall in Love in 36 Questions
Valentine’s Day is coming up, which means TWAMP’s have an
opportunity to take the biology, interpretive dance, economics, and
woodworking they’re learning for a spin in the real world. Whether
you’re buying half-off candy the day after or taking out your signifi-
cant other or crush or hopeful frat formal date, below are some ques-
tions to break the ice. Or if you want you can always play “Train-
wreck” or sit in Kaplan for a decade or any of the other games you
learned during orientation!
1. Are you from NOVA?
2. Would you like to be on Overheard? For saying what?
3. What would constitute a “perfect” day at Swem for you?
4. Do you have a secret hunch of which dining hall will cause your
death?
5. If you were able to live to the age of 1693 and retain either the
mind or body of Lord Botetourt for the last 327 years of your
life, which would you choose?
6. Fuck, marry, kill: Sadler, Caf, Marketplace.
7. Name three things you and President Rowe’s cat have in com-
mon.
8. Would you get the alma mater tattooed in comic sans across your
chest if it meant you could get a 4.0 GPA?
9. If rubbing one of the griffin’s balls could tell you the truth about
yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you
want to know?
10. What do you value most in selecting a piece of cutlery in the din-
ing halls?
11. What is your most treasured DuoMobile experience?
12. Would you rather have to eat Sodexo or live in Morton for the
rest of your life?
13. What was the thought process that went into choosing your Snap-
chat username in 7th grade?
14. Have you ever made eye contact with someone after you both fin-
ished going to the bathroom because of how short the stalls are?
15. Have you ever cried on the third floor of Swem?
16. What is your most terrible alcohol mixer choice?
17. If you had to describe yourself as a freshman dorm, which would
you choose?
18. What on campus, if anything, is too easy to joke about?
Hewpfuw Tips w/ Hawwie :3 :3
Hewwo!!!!! :3 :3 :3 :3
You can give the Wiwwiam and
Mawy students a wittwe mental
bweakdown,,,,,,,as a tweat,,,,,,,
Hawwie F. is baby. In her spare time,
you can find her in all 69 of her clubs or
in her room watching the Best Of “The
Voice” Auditions and crying.
The Botetourt Squat § February 4th, 2020 § PAGE 4
from all dorms to reduce power usage
and promote mold growth for Mother Nature to retake the
Earth. In addition, we’re reducing our carbon footprint by
shutting off all electricity in dorms. Students will be giv-
en an exception to owning candles provided they are the
official For the Bold Candles™ sold by the Campus Shop
(in conjunction with Yankee Candles, For the Bold Candles
will not be eligible for Flex purchases) As for maintaining
communication despite the lack of Wifi, messenger pigeons
and pigeon coops will be supplied to every dorm.
To further increase sustainability, we’re replacing the res-
ident parking spots with bike racks! (Students must pay for
$375 bike parking passes; W&M will continue strictly en-
forcing this to continue to employ parking services) To re-
duce food waste on campus, all leftover food from the din-
ing halls will be dumped into communal troughs outside
dorms. As per their housing contract, students must take
shifts protecting the communal food supply from animals
(W&M is not liable for any wild animal attacks) Lastly, to
reduce water usage, all washing and drying machines will
be removed from the dorms. As a replacement, the Rec-
reation Center’s pool will be converted into a communal
washbasin. However, we understand that students may have
concerns as to drying their clothes in the winter.
W&M also prides itself on safety, which is why we’re
bringing bold new innovative changes to the dorms, such as
RA’s loudly knocking on resident’s doors late at night to en-
sure they made it home safe. This also serves to raise mon-
ey for the school, as any residents failing these Vibe Checks
will have their dorm rooms offered for rent on AirBnB or
to random strangers off the street. Additionally, RA’s will
now have the authority to check any bookbags and confis-
cate any contraband (RA’s may use the contraband to their
discretion) In line with supporting tradition, all keycard
locks will be replaced with physical locks with random ten-
digit combinations, scheduled to change on a weekly basis
(schedule an appointment online with your RA two weeks
in advance for new weekly passwords) Lastly, Duty Offices
will be converted into observation towers overlooking all
exits! (Paid for by reducing RA’s stipends to $0.00)
However, these changes pale in comparison to our other
innovative, bold new buzzword changes to improve social
life within the dorms. We’re aware of the awkward issue
of being in a relationship and wanting privacy can be diffi-
cult when living with a roommate. So, all students in rela-
tionships will be issued singles, and all lonely students will
be crammed into triples and quadruple dorm rooms (any
couples that break up are required to move into the Single
Slums immediately) To accommodate for more space, half
of Morton Hall will be converted into an upperclassmen
dorm, and we will work tirelessly to make all dorm walls
thinner. However, fret not lonely students! To enhance so-
cial interactions, all room doors will be removed! Plus, this
will make the new weekly fire alarms easier to hear. And,
keeping with tradition, fire alarms will now blast a Bag-
pipe rendition of the Alma Mater. Now, this might make
some of you early risers nervous, which is why each floor
will be issued a rooster set to crow at 7 AM every morning
to ensure no one misses their 8 AMs! Lastly, residents will
have the privilege (as per housing contract) to be a part of a
secret psychological study conducted on their dorm! (one-
way mirrors and hidden cameras may be utilized)
Also, all students will be required to sign up for over-
priced meal plans and live on campus until graduation (in-
cluding gap year students)
W&M Housing: You won’t like it, and there’s no other
option!
 The Botetourt Squat February 4th, 2020
We’re Talkin’ About Cats (2019 and the Actual Musical)
BY PEEPEETY POOPOO
The Ass-Eating Cat
Spoiler alert virgins — I like “Cats.” There I said it. I’m only a little ashamed. I
watched that shit for the first time in 7th grade in my middle school theatre class when
my director was too tired to work on middle-school improv with us. Did I have a crush
on what was essentially a glorified fursuit? Yes. Do I have encyclopedic knowledge of
all cats? Also yes. Here is my definitive ranking of the cats, both in “Cats” (2019) and
also the regular musical. They are NOT the same cats. This is from worst to best btw
CATS (regular musical)
Munkustrap
• An incredibly forgetful cat. He narrates a plotless story. Congratulations to him
for having the second most useless career, right after modern-day philosopher.
Rumpus Cat
• Fuck you Rumpus Cat.
Macavity
• Macavity is if Rum Tum Tugger was horny and also evil.
Jellylorum
• Let Gus speak for himself. Let! Gus! Speak!
Victoria
• A sweetie pie! Tries her best. Doesn’t really do much. Has the prettiest costume
tho. I love the lil furry leg warmer things.
Demeter and Bombularina
• They’re the same cat. Way too sexy to be cats. Cats shouldn’t be allowed to be
horny like this.
Rum Tum Tugger
• NO CAT should be this horny. Points for falsetto tho.
Bustopher Jones
• By far the best name in the cast. This cat is an absolute unit. A wide load,
my guy. Insert the audio clip of Anthony Fantano yelling “damn. Damn boy.
DAMN boy. Damn boy he’s THICK, boy. That’s a THICKASS BoY, dAMn.”
Old Deuteronomy
• He vibin. Not as big of an asshole as all the other cats. By the way, did I men-
tion every other cat fucking sucks? They are so mean to Grizabella. She’s not
my fav but damn ok guys.
Jennyanydots
• A good cat! A bit of a busybody, but I like her nonetheless. Reminds me a lot
of Jack’s Mom in Into the Woods, another melody-less musical. A hardwork-
ing lady.
Grizabella
• Really doesn’t deserve the hate she gets. Kinda gets slutshamed honestly? Gets
hot, goes with the horny evil cat, everyone hates her for being hot. Memory
fucks. Fun story — the local horse girl at my middle school sang “Memory” in
the talent show to a CD karaoke track while in a full ball gown covered in body
glitter. I think about this often.
Skimbleshanks!!!
• Best number in cats so fun so so fun. I also did tap dancing for like nine years
so sue me for loving the one tap number. He has pants! How whimsical. I
love his dumb little moustache, favorite cat. The best productions are the ones
where Skimbleshanks has a little Irish accent.
Mr. Mistoffelees
• I hear you about gay representation, but I want to say that Mr. Mistoffelees was
THE bi icon (bicon) this little ol’ bisexual trash gremlin tweenager needed to
get through life. His love for Victoria is VALID. His love for Munkustrap is
ALSO VALID. Let him live.
Gus
• I love Gus
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer
• I. Love. This. Song. They get number one cats because they are actually two
god-tier cats. The performance of this song is always so phenomenal, it’s ac-
tually mind boggling seeing them do those tricks. Cats is already a physically-
intensive show, but seeing them taking the bar and then yeeting it into the sun
because they set it so high then throwing themselves over it? Damn,,,,
“Cats” (2019)
Rumpleteazer
• Gonna separate the inseparable pair because honestly this performance was
bad, not because it was horrifying like Jennyanydots is right after this but be-
cause it was the laziest thing I think I’ve ever seen in my life. It was so phoned
in. No energy. No musical dynamism. No mischievous fun. Couldn’t even be
bothered to put on a half assed cockney accent. Which is, by the way, the eas-
iest accent to phone in (see Rum Tum Tugger.) Some how this performance
was maybe more embarrassing than 90 percent of the other ones (not jenny-
anydots fuck you jennyanydots) if only because of how lazy it is. You’re be-
ing paid big bucks for a doomed show. At least try to be fun. Rumpleteazer is
the MOST childlike and fun character just try! Try dammit!!! TRY!!! YOU
DIDN’T EVEN DO ACROBATICS FUCK YOU RUMPLETEAZ-
PAGE 5
Jennyanydots
• Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you and your cockroach army and your hellish
mice and your skin which you unzip to reveal more skin. Lowest point of
the show was her making a neutering joke about Rum Tum Tugger’s balls.
Macavity
• He should have never taken off his jacket and those contacts look like some-
thing you’d see in a TikTok cosplay video.
Bustopher Jones
• Liked the number until it got to about three minutes of straight rolling
around in giant hyper realistic CGI trash. I literally thought I was gonna
puke. Your moustache is fun and I like your costume until you take off
your coat and then you’re just unnaturally round. In general, “Cats” (2019)
should keep their clothes on.
Growltiger
• A surprise appearance! This guy hasn’t been seen since the original West
End run. Only got like two lines, but I’m glad he joined the party. Even if
he is totally evil.
Grizabella
• Maybe a surprising choice but I just didn’t like her. Memory, as beautiful as
it was sung, had absolutely no emotion or connection. I never really cared
when Grizabella showed up on screen, she was just being kinda mopey (not
even the mopiest) and then she goes to heaven instead of Gus. Fuck you
Grizabella. Gus deserves to die not you.
Mungojerrie
• Second half of the duo, at least he’s whimsical. No acrobatics but that was a
director’s choice, not his. Does lose like 97 percent of the appeal of Mungo-
jerrie and Rumpleteazer without acrobatics. He tried his best.
Old Deuteronomy
• I liked the costume! Didn’t need that much 4th wall breaking. Judi Dench
stared into my soul.
Munkustrap
• Ok I love Robbie Fairchild with all my heart and I’m glad they stream-
lined his role but,,,they didn’t have to give him the worst CGI in the whole
film,,,,,yikes. Munkustrap is already the dumbest fuckin name in the whole
production but now YIKES yikes.
Rum Tum Tugger
• Singing was phenomenal but,,,,that accent,,,,,Dick van Dyke lookin pretty
good right about now. Like macavity, he should also keep his jacket on. Ma-
cavity and Rum Tum Tugger are basically the same cat where one is horny
feral good and one is horny feral evil.
Bombulurina
• Surprisingly good number! Taylor Swift’s british accent was just enough.
Would honestly like to see her in another not-Cats movie musical. A little
weird to see a naked cat with just shoes ngl. If she had like a giant string of
pearls that would be cools. In general, cats should have clothes on.
Mistoffelees
• Respectful king! Chugs his respect women juice. Where original mistof-
felees is confident fabulous motherfucker i needed in my tweens, this mist-
offelees is my anxiety ridden, women respecting bicon I need in my early
twenties. I like him with his coat. Again, cats should have clothes on.
Victoria
• wow,,,,,,,i LOVE victoria. Can she sing? Fuck no. But she delivered with so
much beauty and heart i full on cried (???) during “Cats” (2019) to beautiful
ghosts. Whoever abandoned her, I need to exchange some words.
Skimbleshanks
• FUCKING KING SHIT!!! I LOVE SKIMBLESHANKS AND HIS DUMB
LITTLE PANTS!!!!! I was smiling the whole number it is by far the most
fun part of any cats production, so high energy, so magical, the whole train
part, the tapping! Cats should have clothes.
Gus
• Aspargus the theatre cat is the best part of “Cats” (2019). The only thing I
learned from this movie is I desperately need Ian McKellen to play Scrooge
in a “Scrooge!” movie musical or like. Fagin in “Oliver!” or something.
God I loved his performance. He should have died not you grizabella fuck
you
You guys can honestly just watch skimbleshanks, gus and beautiful ghosts on
youtube and that’s the highlights of “Cats.” That’s it. Maybeeeee macavity until
he shows up with no coat. Or alternatively watch jennyanydots for the lowest of
lows you will ever see. Anyways if you need me i’ll be jackin one out to star-
light express, a much more horrifying and sexual of an experience than cats ever
dreams of being. I love me some horny, dragracing toy trains on roller skates in
what has been the longest running musical ever in Germany!
SPECIAL REPORTS
I put “Writer for the Botetourt Squat” on a scholarship
The Botetourt Squat § February 4th, 2020 § PAGE 6

application. Am I making a mistake?

BY CAILLOUB PFIFFERSON
Just another broke college student
Being on break in a small town sucks
because there is nothing to do, but your
parents give you shit for doing nothing
anyways. “Oh, you should go out and do
something.” Like what? Go to the same
Mexican restaurant every night just to
see people I don’t want to talk to? No
Thanks. Instead, my parents suggested I
do productive things instead of staying
up until 5:00 a.m. watching YouTube.
In an attempt to be productive, I looked
up some local scholarships, but most of
them aren’t in my favor, especially the
ones that involve a resume attachment.
My resume looks weird because the high
school extracurricular is filled with ri-
diculous honor societies and bullshit
that had no time commitment whatsoev-
er, and then there’s like two things on the
college resume.
I have two things on my college ex-
tracurricular activities right now: Su-
per Smash Bros Club and Writer for The
Botetourt Squat. The Scholarship? THE
LOCAL AMERICAN LEGION POST.
Imagine being a member of the legion,
looking at someone’s resume, seeing like
four honors societies on their senior and
then looking at what they’ve been up
to college and thinking, “Hm, he’s in-
volved in some sort gay sex club. Oh,
Smash Bros is a video game?” Which
I’m pretty sure to an 80-year-old Repub-
lican veteran are the same level of “det-
riment to society,” but I digress. Even if
they knew what Smash is, telling them
that I’m an Ol*mar main is a one-way
ticket to being bullied by everyone look-
ing at my resume ever. This is not a good
look, guys.
“Then the Botetourt Squat? What the
hell is that? A satire newspaper? Oh, I’m
sure he’s written a lot of insightful com-
mentary on the social climate all while
being funny! I think I’ll email him and
ask for a few selections of his articles!”
NO STOP. If they saw my “work” it
would be over for me. It’s not like my
grades are anything to be proud of. I
write for the Squat for Christ’s sake! We
aren’t a scholarly publication! Anyways,
I’m torn. Do I put the Squat in this schol-
arship, or do I just lie and say I’m in the
Circle K and ROTC? I don’t even think
William and Mary has an ROTC pro-
gram, but alas, it might be worthwhile
to put it on da application. I know lying
is against William and Mary honor code
and practically every religion ever, but
I’m desperate! I’m just gonna throw pro-
ficient in Microsoft Office on there as
well just like every millenial’s resume.

Alienware’s new PC hand-

held will let you take mediocre
games stifled by greed on the go
BY PARTICLE MAN – SKYLORD
Dell’s Alienware division revealed a totally original tablet-control-
ler-console hybrid at CES this year, which, according to analysts,
has great potential for delivering high-fidelity renditions of unfulfill-
ing games at faster speeds than ever before. Alienware R&D Lead
Delmafq Bexqcic, while showing off the console first-hand, brought
attention to the plethora of ergonomic design decisions and high-
quality engineering that allow for optimal player control during rad-
ically-declining, increasingly-derivative gameplay. Billy Greer, age
14, comments, “I can’t wait to not finish games I don’t really enjoy
playing from the discomfort of places that aren’t my home!”

Across the Sea with Christian B. Guy Fieri Takes on Sadler

The British have perfected alcohol-
ism. Over here they have a chain of BY PARTICLE MAN – SKYLORD
pubs called “Whetherspoons.” Your No one can save us
table has a little number and you Famed restaurateur Guy Fieri visited the food court Sadler Center
order drinks from their app — you last Wednesday as part of an ongoing Food Network series about
don’t even have to get up for each college food in America. Fieri reportedly ate a chicken breast,
of my eight pints. Maybe we have
something like that in America, but
which he criticized as “dry”, “flavorless”, “cold”, and “borderline
I wouldn’t know since my govern- inedible.” After his disappointing meal, Fieri reportedly rescinded
ment doesn’t think I’m old enough his decades-old claim that he “had never tasted food that he didn’t
to drink a Guiness at noon on a enjoy” before adding that he had “never been further away from
Tuesday. Flavortown in his entire life.”
Christian B. is in the St Andrews program, and
he’s totally not going to change abroad you guys.
This dirty, dirty English major loves his books
more than sex. Can we get an F in the chat for
Christian :(
OPINION FACT The Botetourt Squat § February 4th, 2020 § PAGE 7

Aliens on Campus, Roommate and I are suffering

BY (NOT) BARRET
They Said They’re Going To Submit to The Squat
It happened on December 3rd of last
year. Like any other Tuesday, I was either
vibin’ to some Talking Heads or binging
SNL Sketches on YouTube. That doesn’t
matter. What does matter is that I heard
a noise louder than my own voice, so I
ran outside to see a UFO. I was freaking
out after what I saw so I ran over there to
see what was going on only to find two
aliens, both about three to four feet tall,
bitching at each other over a ticket from
Parking Services.
That’s when they both saw me. They ap-
proached me. The gray one asked for my
name and the green one asked if I was 21
or had a fake, to which I responded with
my name and answered no to both ques-
tions. Their names were Xenorph (pron.
Zee-Norff) and something I couldn’t rec-
ognize, so I’ve just been calling the other
one John Paul.
Apparently, their ship’s hyper-
space accelerator is currently scuffed, so
they have to spend the next semester in
Williamsburg until they can get the cor-
rect parts to jury-rig their ship to get the
hell out of here, so now they’re here.
They were chill the first week. We all did
blowout stuff together, and now Xenorph
(the green one) wants to rush Sigma Chi they’re being studious. We haven’t slept
this semester. He’s got a bit of a drinking in three days. They are also going to be
problem, but he seems to be able to hold publishing articles in the Squat for the
his liquor. John Paul is straightedge, but next few months as guest writers. Worse,
he will not stop mentioning this to me, they’re making me translate their articles
and good for him, but you’re not interest- from their language. It is hell. If you see
ing just because you don’t do drugs. them, do NOT look at them. Please, it’s
They’re so aggravating I can’t deal with for your own good. They will cling onto
it. They keep ordering Domino’s with you like a baby duckling without a moth-
my FLEX, and they just leave the box- er.
es. Xenorph usually comes back at 3:00
a.m. when I’m in the middle of having an
academic-related mental breakdown, and
just throws up. His vomit is highlighter-
orange btw, and I have to call poison con-
trol every time because it’s so fucking
corrosive. Apparently, John Paul is going
to be guest-lecturing in the FMST 421
class, Aliens in Modern Film, so watch
out for that if you’re taking that class.
My roommate and I have been think-
ing about calling the government, but we
don’t think it’s a good idea because you
know how the government is. They seem
to be having fun, but our physical and
mental health have gone down the shit-
ter because of them. They won’t leave us
alone. They only place we can go to es-
cape is third floor Swem, but even then,
it’s not like we can cry because everyone
in there will look at us and judge while

Bidets Please: an open response to the SA Transparency

Google Form
John Paul Bomboclaat
The Squat’s Alien Co-Chair
Near the end of last semester,
the class of 2023 representa-
tives for the Student Assem-
bly released a Google Form to
get input from class members
on what they would like to
see changed on campus. I am
just an alien who is staying
in Hunt Hall until my partner
Xenorph and I can find better
shelter; however, I still have
some words to say. To ensure
my voice is not silenced, I am
publicly announcing my an-
swers to the survey:
Do you feel like you are a part
of the community here at Wil-
liam and Mary?
I’ve been here for like a month
tops dude, but not really.
You’d think Parking Services
would be lenient in letting me
park my UFO at Hunt. Nope.
I tried to go in the parking lot
back there, and they gave me
a $300 fine!! Told me I had to
park at Kaplan. Real fuckin
nice welcoming to the home
planet of The Human Race.
Bunch of asswipes.
What changes would you like
to see on campus and why?
William and Mary’s bathroom
situation is pathetic. Seriously,
you guys could use some bi-
dets AT THE VERY LEAST.
We use a particle dissolver to
clean back at Alpha Centu-
ari. Oh, what did you think I
was gonna say, that I’m from
URANUS? HAHAHA very
NOT funny. Anyways, this is
not a joke. We’ve gotta use
condensed wood to smudge
it off? Primitive.
What are you passionate
about at William and Mary?
What do you think deserves
more funding?
Actually, not just the bidets.
Just everything about the
bathrooms. Seriously, what
the fuck? I walked into one at
campus center the other day,
and there was VOMMIT in
the sink. It wasn’t even noon
yet.
Would you like to share an
experience where you have
been left underrepresented or
unheard?
A couple of weeks ago, I
needed to poop badly so I
went in some bathroom
in Morton. I needed to
wipe, but the thing is, my skin
is sensitive to wood. I did not
realize that wood was a part
of toilet paper, and to make a
long story short, let’s just say
there was a lot of plasma in
the toilet that day. So yeah,
my rear feels a little unheard
right now, and honestly, even
if I’m ditching this swamp as
soon as we fix the radiator on
our UFO, I think a lot of the
students here will still appre-
ciate a bidet.
Would you like to see office
hours from the candidates?
Yes, so I can shit on your
desk, so you all can collec-
tively spit in my rear to clean
it properly.
¿SP
SPÖÖRT AND REVIÜ? The Botetourt Squat § February 4th, 2020 § PAGE 8

Top Ten Things that Scare Me at William and Mary

BY MISTER JUUL 6. People Who Smoke Weed: in Bosnia. This building holds
place once, but that’s all I re- My mom warned me about something sinister I swear. It’s
This School Is Actually Terrifying
ally need. You may hear people these people. First, they in- just too much of a maze for me
10. Golf Carts: Okay, so these say that this place is the hood hale the fumes of the Devil, to ever know.
things are the only ones on of William and Mary and they and next thing you know
this list that can effectively are 100% right. I’m pretty sure they are snorting bath salts 3. Straight People: Nuff’ said.
kill me, but as this list goes on there are more roaches in this and stabbing you to death in
you will understand that I am place than the sewer system. your sleep to appease their de- 2. The Wren Building: Ap-
not really basing this on fear There’s probably more asbes- mon overlord Ron Burgundy. parently there’s a bunch of
of death, rather I am basing it tos here too. I’ve heard they’re Thanks for the warning Mom. dead guys buried beneath this
on what makes me fear being tearing this place down next thing so that’s already creepy
alive. Anyhoo, seeing a golf year due to mold. I can only 5. Bio Majors: These people enough. On top of that, I’ve
cart speeding down towards hope so, as I can only remain have nothing to lose at this heard that if you go to the at-
you at a speed of 10 mph on a sane for so long knowing that point. And someone with noth- tic of Wren at sunset and squat
walking path is certainly unset- this scourge is on our campus. ing to lose is like John Wick in three times while saying “Bo-
tling, although it is visible and the first movie before he got a tetourt” then Lord Botetourt’s
audible enough to avoid in due 7. The Club Tables at Sadler: I new dog at the end. You can’t incomplete skeletal corpse will
time. never know what these heck- mess with someone who has rise from the crypt and defile
ling bastards are going to do. to take a four-hour lab looking you. Scary shit.
9. Morton: Really any Aca- Either offering me an over- at cell samples. I feel that if I
demic building leftward of priced, stale, gluten free muffin even whisper the word “Mi- 1. The Squirrels: Those fuckers
Swem is a startling structure, to save some child in Botswana tochondria” one of them will are up to something I’m telling
but Morton takes the cake. It’s or offering me some ticket to a jump from a thicket and beat you. Analyzing our weakness-
like someone built a middle likely mediocre improv show. me to death while chanting es and eating nuts in prepara-
school in the ’60s and decided Like I just want food and they “Powerhouse of the cell.” tion to eat ours. They are ev-
to airdrop it on campus and in- make me feel bad for that rea- erywhere and I can just feel an
stead of destroying it like they sonable determination. One 4. Spitting Gum In the ISC:
impending strike is on the way.
should have, they kept it as a time they actually jumped out I’m convinced that if I spit
place to teach sociology. Go at me and I had to sprint to my gum in this building, they If you thought Iran or the coro-
figures, I guess. avoid confrontation. They can will collect my DNA and make navirus were threats just you
be quite intimidating. a clone out of it to frame me wait for these bastards.
8. GGV: I’ve only been in this for crimes against humanity

I’m going to rob Swem, who’s in?

BY CURIOUS
Please someone message me I am all bi myself

Over the break, I did absolutely nothing like a good twamp. However, in
the brief periods of non-nothing, I also watched a metric fuck-ton of mov-
ies. One of them was “American Animals,” a film about the true story of
four college students who attempt to pull off the most ambitious heist in
history. If they had been successful, they would have gotten $12 million
from selling the rare books from their library’s special collections section.
However, because they are college students and not career criminals, they
were caught. So I get to thinking. Swem has a special collections room
featuring rare books and manuscripts. Why not learn from the mistakes in
the movie and pull off the perfect heist?
Here’s the plan. Step 1 — we wait until finals week. Why finals week?
The library is open 24/7 and everyone will be too cramming and bullshit- Wanna write for
ting papers to notice us. Step 2 — the special collections room doesn’t re- the Squat? It’s
quire an appointment to visit so we just walk in. Step 3 — crime. This is
as far as I’ve gotten but we have until May to hammer out the details. easy! Show up to
I can’t do this alone though. I need a team of professionals for this our meetings, ev-
to go smoothly. First, I’m going to need someone to disable the securi-
ty cameras in the room. Comp sci major prefered but not required. Must ery Thursday in
have experience in saying “I’m in” like a hacker in an early 2000s movie. James Blair 219
Next, we need someone with a big fucking backpack. I’m talking pock-
ets within pockets. Where else would we put the books? Finally, we gotta at 7pm. If you want to contact us,
have a getaway driver. Your car must be dope as hell. If you’re interested, write to botetourtsquat@email.
call me. wm.edu. Also if you know how to
(If any school officials are reading this, it’s opposite day so don’t worry
I’m definitely not going to steal from the library ;) ) rotate text in Microsoft Word,
please let us know.