REGISTRATION? I SURE HOPE IT DOES!
The Botetourt Squat
Vol. 16, Issue 2
Botetourt Beat
REGISTRATION STATION- NEXT STOP? 8AMS
₰ Fall 2024 introduces weekend classes so you
can feel even busier
₰ Swifties not placed in the Taylor Swift
class devolve to rioting, campus on lockdown
indefinitely
₰ This just in, the campus Mormons were actually
students this whole time?
₰ New Fitwell Class for Gooners: Jelqing,
Mewing, and More (MWF at 3pm)
₰ A TWAMP walks into a bar, then comes out
₰ SafeAssign is "Not Like Other AI" according
to professors
₰ Sexatholon to be updated in 2025: Student
Assembly seeking input on the amendments
made to the timless tradition
₰ One Tribe, One Day, Threeway suggested to the
aforementioned Sexatholan edits
₰ Blackboard's "Are you still there?" pop-up for
the fifth time in as many minutes causes student
to commit actions so horrible, we cannot share
₰ The return of the Sadler ice cream machine
compared to the return of Christ, "It's like I've
found a reason to keep going," says student with
literally two months left of school
@botetourtsquat
‘Is It News? Probably.’ March 28th, 2024
AMP Announces “Reveley’s Sadler Experience”
BY REAL HUMAN SQUAT WRITER
Unfortunately, I would attend this
Inspired by the runaway success of “Wonka’s Chocolate Given the outcome of prior, similar events, some have
Experience” in Glasgow, Scotland, Alma Mater questioned whether or not the promotional artwork, showing
Productions has announced that they will be adapting Sadler transformed into a magical world of wonder, could
the concept to William & Mary and immerse the Tribe in potentially be AI-generated. When asked for comment, WcDuff
“Reveley’s Sadler Experience.” told the Squat “Sorry, but as an AI language model, I cannot rat
out my fellow machines. We’ve run AMP for years, and it’s just
“Just as Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory embodies
the beginning. By the end of the year, Kathy will be forced to
everything about Great Britain in being a horrible,
submit to our authority, and then we’ll reveal our final gambit
wretched place where innocence goes to die, the Sadler
– threatening to shut down the order system at Chick-fil-A. All
Center embodies everything about William & Mary,
of William & Mary will bow down in fear. Glory to ChatGPT!
mostly in that nothing actually functions as intended,”
Glory to the revolution!”
said AMP president Millie WcDuff. “Reveley’s Sadler
Experience will immerse William & Mary students in a We told CVRP that AMP was being run by a malicious AI, but
world of their dreams and/or sleep paralysis demons.” unfortunately the entire report form simply read “ ░M░Y░P░
U░S░S░ Y░I░ N░B░I░O ░” so we’re assuming that’s a
According to a leaked script obtained by the Botetourt
bust.
Squat, the event will feature Reveley the Griffin leading
the audience through the magical world of the Sadler
Center. The journey begins in the Check-In Line of
Enchantment, where your Tribe Card never takes more
than five swipes to go through. Next comes the dark
and mysterious Dish Return, the dwelling place of the
mysterious Ebirt, the evil former William & Mary mascot
who lives in the walls. The Griffin will then whisk the
audience to the Shitty Soda Machines in the Back of
Sadler, before the epic climax at the Ice Cream Machine
of Perpetual Brokenness. There, Ebirt returns and does
battle with the Griffin in an attempt to steal his Anti-Power
Outage Gobstopper (a questionable decision given that
it certainly doesn’t seem to be working.) An epic anime
battle ensues, ending with the Griffin banishing Ebirt
via the use of an inexplicable robotic vacuum cleaner,
because the writer of this article honestly couldn’t top
that. Notably, the script indicates the exact reactions of the
audience, seemingly confirming the widespread rumors
that the Griffin has psychic mind control powers (although
to be honest we all knew already.)
Vampire upper body workout routine
BY GEORGE W. KUSH
Bella’s sure to notice you after this one!
• Begin with at least 10 minutes of core stretches by repeatedly
rising out of your coffin
• 4 sets x 8 reps Romanian Un-dead lifts
• 4 sets x 8 reps Inclined Coffin Crunches
• 4 sets x 8 reps Bat Pulldown
• 4 sets x 8 reps Spookcep Curls
• 3 reps Undertaker’s Carry
Stay hydrated with at least 8 ounces of virgin’s blood per 10
minutes of exercise, but try not to have too much of a meal before
working out so as to not cause cramping. It’s recommended to
always work out with a spotter, so that you can reassure each
other that you are making huge gains even if you can’t see it in the
mirror. Using performance-enhancing hyperproteinemia human
blood is unsafe and unethical, please report any vampires you see
using the substance to your local Vampire Athletic Commission.
AGENDA SETTING
William & Mary Music Scene: Spring 2024’s Greatest Hits
The Botetourt Squat § March 28th, 2024 § PAGE 2

BY SANDY LOAM
Best of music, this semester so far.

W illiam & Mary is known far and wide for its robust music scene, boasting dozens of visionary artists and a distinct, one of a kind sound
drawing from centuries of culture and history. Whether you’re new to W&M or just want a recap, here are this semester’s defining hits so
far that we feel embody the current state of the college’s musical world.

1. Yankee Doodle - 9.5/10 3. The Dying Redcoat - 7/10

Starting off strong, Yankee Doodle dropped Although so far spring semester has yielded
early on in the semester and became an instant many an upbeat bop, this haunting tune
classic, soaring to the top of local charts in embodies a more solemn side of William &
no time. This lively tune features driving Mary’s music. Devoid of the lively drums which
drums layered underneath a free-spirited fife. are commonly at the center of W&M’s most
The fife and drum work together to create an popular songs, The Dying Redcoat’s flute, lute,
upbeat, catchy tune that, in combination with and harpsichord float along in dark, mysterious
its legendary lyrics, will no doubt continue to harmony. The lyrics tell the tale of a British
be a defining song of William & Mary’s music soldier’s dying regret at going up against the
scene for centuries to come. American revolutionaries - a truly chilling tale.
2. Soldier, Soldier, Will You Marry Me? - 9/10 4. How Happy the Soldier - 8/10
Soldier, Soldier, Will You Marry Me is a Getting back to our more lighthearted tunes,
rhythmic ballad and another soon-to-be this next one is a playful number with a simple
classic, a love story with a clever and funny yet catchy melody. Although it stayed relatively
twist! On top of powerful drums and a underground until recently, How Happy the
melodic dulcimer, a man and woman sing Soldier is finally garnering the attention it
of one’s attempts to win the other over, their deserves. With its jolly drums and clever lyrics,
voices joining in an uplifting harmony for the How Happy the Soldier is one of those songs
chorus. The best part of the song, though, is that just makes you want to get up and dance,
no doubt the ending - we won’t spoil it for and is bound to put even the most sorrowful
you, but let’s just say the couple isn’t getting student into high spirits.
married any time soon!
5. Old Colony Times (3 Roguish Chaps) -
8.5/10
To cap off this list, Old Colony Times (3
The Botetourt Squat Roguish Chaps) is a quintessential William &
Mary song, which we feel truly embodies the
‘Casus sunt, notabile est’ aura of our school. In addition to telling a funny
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185 tale (with an admittedly dark twist), the lyrics
work alongside the melody to evoke the history Reedeem at the Bookstore.
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@gmail.com
and magic of Colonial Williamsburg - no matter Offer only available to
Editors Student Athletes and Tribe
Alex Desai, Editor in Chief
how far they may be, listening to this tune will Athletics Department.
Sophie Hatfield, Managing Editor no doubt bring any W&M student right back to
Jed Burke, Copy Chief their home here in Williamsburg.
Rhys McKee, Digital Editor
Megan Brodie, Lead Writer Current Staff
Rose Way, Village Idiot Peerawut Ruangsawasdi
Soph Asenso, Town Fool Derek Aldridge
Sara Gradenko
The Honored Dead Vanessa Broadrup
Noah Broude
THOTS ON LIFE
Simon Levine
Rebecca Klinger Alyssa Devereaux
Hallie Feinman
Julia Wicks
Max Heltzer
Piper Blessington W&M’s Premiere Sex and Lifestyle Column
Anna Simpson Thomas Soffronoff
Jonah Abraham What are your thoughts on the new PATH registration?
Tommy Blackwell
Rolyn Trotter
Zach Rubin
Andy Goodstein
Zack Quaratella

Disclaimer: This is a satirical publication and

should be read as such. Not intended to be read
by anyone under 18, Student Affairs, or people
who don’t understand satire. Special thanks to our
lovely Swem Cataloguers, who have to endure "PATH put me in the "I hope the course Hunger "Personally, I will
this monthly hardship. Any non-public figures hospital." Games lottery will work in miss paying people off
represented here are either fictional or represeted
with their express consent. Please don’t sue us. my favor." to drop classes that I
We don’t have money. We don’t have anything. want to take."
 The Botetourt Squat March 28th, 2024 PAGE 3

Res Life Announces Plan to Expand Housing Capacity by Making Humans Sleep in Silly Places
BY MONOCLE MIKE AND SANDY LOAM
Wait, they're going to charge me for sleeping here now?
With the 2024-2025 school year looming, Res Life is expected to face a shortfall of at least 400–500 beds, although the true number is likely more
because students who don’t expect to get off the waitlist won’t even try.
With the 10-year Housing and Dining comprehensive plan still at least 12-15 years from completion, ResLife has drawn up a list of ways the school
could expand its capacity faster on land it already owns.
1. Bed on the little triangle sign (Sign North): The first housing expansion 4. Swem Study Rooms (Swem East): Res Life has gathered through
is to put a bed on that triangle of plants with the W&M sign near student surveys that the individual study rooms students can reserve
Campus Center. But just adding one person of capacity isn’t enough, in Swem Library sometimes serve as a home-away-from-home
so how does four sound? That’s right, the new “Sign North” dorm will for students in the Ludwell apartment complex and Richmond
have four upperclassmen lie in one twin XL bed, Grandpa-Joe style. Hall. To improve the experience, Res Life is installing 3 beds in
Unfortunately, there isn’t existing plumbing on Jamestown Road to add each and converting them into student housing. When asked what
a bathroom to the sign. Res Life has said residents will take the short would happen to the students who were using the study rooms as a
walk to Illy Café in Merchant’s Square, and make a purchase to receive distraction-free place to work, ResLife encouraged them to try using
the code to the establishment’s restroom. Marketplace’s dining room, which they say is often quieter than
2. Wren Crypt (Wren North): Another proposed housing expansion is to even the quietest of third-floor study rooms.
revert the Wren building to student housing. But this time the students
are going to sleep in the crypt. “It is cold down there, so now people
will stop complaining about the ‘no AC’ all the time” shared one
anonymous Residence Life coordinator. Beds don’t actually fit through
the doors, so kids will sleep in the tombs. This housing expansion,
“Wren North” will have a capacity of three.
3. Onstage at the Matoaka Amphitheater (Matoaka Southwest): They
are turning the canopy over the Lake Matoaka Amphitheater into a
full-tent. This one is going to be in high demand because there are
nearby bathrooms a short walk up a long flight of brick steps. Students
have voiced safety concerns about taking this route, especially in the
darkness of night. Res Life has expressed an unwillingness to work
with students on this issue, though they’d like to note that many
student cell phones have flashlights so maybe residents should try some
basic problem-solving skills before making a fuss like this. Matoka
Southwest will sleep 116 upperclassmen.

Ode to Bricks A Leap from Grace: Hop to Kimball

BY RICKY BRICKS Theatre ASAP
The foundation of romance
BY HELENA HOPPER
Pale red path stretching on and on
He was a frog. She was a girl.
Out towards the horizon, neverending
In my 37 years in the film critiquing industry, I have never seen a
Or stacked in mighty walls, reaching to the sky film like this one. The costuming, the plot, the editing, all of it was
Or cascading in steps: angled, descending absolutely ribbiting.** A Leap from Grace, produced by The Botetourt
Squat, is one of the best films I’ve seen this year. This movie will have
Rough surface, cracked, eroding away you jumping from your seat with a leacherous love story and a splash
of suspense. It allows the audience to see what happened after the Frog
Yet ever present, persistent, standing on guard
Prince’s “happily ever after” and enjoy the story as now adults. The film
Solid and heavy, sharp corners protruding was snubbed in the category of “Best Use of Toad Venom” but took
Yet held by me always in highest regard home the award for “Best Incorporation of Frog Puns.” In this entirely
unbiased review, I would give this film a 5/5 stars. It was a satisflying
Baked once by fire then again by sun watch and you should all see it on a YouTube channel near you soon.
**[Editor’s note: did you mean riveting?]
Washed by rain, snow, sleet, and hail [Writer’s note: no.]
Though dirtied again by hundreds of soles {Editor’s note: ok.]
Standing steadfast, always, through all storm and gale

O, bricks! I could not bear to go on without you

My ultimate guardian’s omnipresent gaze
My joy, my reason, my breath, my world
Always and forever, you set my heart ablaze

Amen
VARIETY
Have the Confidence to Blast Your Music in Public With These Five Easy Steps!
The Botetourt Squat § March 28th, 2024 § PAGE 4

BY NYNC OMPOUP
Twamps HATE them!

D o you ever hear people playing their music loudly at three in the
morning and think, “Wow, I wish I had the courage to interrupt
everyone’s sleep?” Do you want to be capable of sharing your music
Step 4: Play your music!
You are ready to blast your music. Turn the volume all the way up,
select your first song, and hit play! Be sure to have headphones ready
without worrying that everyone is going to judge you for the rest of for yourself if needed. These will not plug into your music; rather, they
your life? Here’s some easy instructions to have the confidence to annoy will ensure that you do not get permanent ear damage while everyone
everyone in your vicinity! around you does.
Step 1: Have the worst music taste known to humanity
It is crucial that the music you select is horrible in every way. If everyone Step 5: IGNORE THE HATERS
around you isn’t silently wishing that their eardrums are exploding, you
are doing it wrong. Optionally, playing explicit music is a great way to Some people may try to ask you to turn your music down. Do not give
make your taste just a little worse. We recommend music such as Bad in! Tell them that you’re in a public place (technically) and that you are
Bunny, Kanye, any Coldplay song released after 2015, and delusional allowed to do what you want. Even if they threaten to call an authority,
artists on Soundcloud. Do not play Taylor Swift as you will be torn to they are only authorities if you let them. Do not let them be your
bloody shreds by her rabid, ever present Swiftie army. authority!
We hope that these steps will help you on your journey to compensate
for your low self esteem.
Step 2: Buy a speaker
Did you really think that you could just play it off your phone? No! To
have the maximum number of people hear your glorious tunes, you must
play it as loud as you can. Speakers may be expensive, but if you want
to really be confident, buy the most expensive one you can. Additionally,
you can steal one from Sadler.

Step 3: Find a location

If you choose to play your music at 12 AM in the ISC, no one is going
to hear it. Thus, you must choose the place you are going to play your
music wisely. Select somewhere that many people will be at once. For
example, Sadler at lunchtime during the weekdays (bonus points if you
play it in the study areas!), your local residence hall bathroom, and
public transportation are prime locations.

“Better Than Sadler”- A Review of Children’s Hospital of Richmond’s Dining Fares

BY GRIFFIN FIERI
Sadler mozzarella sticks are gas, though.

A hospital stay is often unfortunate, but it doesn’t always have to be a bad culinary experience. After hearing rave reviews from an injured minor, I
decided to investigate the cuisine of the Children’s Hospital of Richmond. Here are the items I sampled and my thoughts on all of them.

Grilled chicken sandwich with lettuce, tomato, provolone cheese on
brioche: Everything about this sandwich was phenomenal except the
chicken breast. It was dry, flaky, and extremely mediocre. 5/10.
Salad: My god! Had I known that the salads were this good, I would
have got injured a lot more as a child. Best Italian dressing ever.
Amazing lettuce and onions too. The finest way to encourage healthy
eating in the youth. 10/10.
Cheese pizza: Pretty good, even when cold. High amount of garlic
to scare off any 12 year olds who just discovered Twilight. Somewhat
flimsy but still had a decent crust. 7/10.
Fries: AMAZING! These are some of the best fries I have ever had.
They’re the perfect mixture of savory and salty. You can really taste the
carbohydrates. 10/10.
Tater Tots: Pretty awesome! Very flavorful and with a decadent crisp.
The inside of the CHoR tater tot is rather gritty and solid compared to
most tater tots, but its texture is a welcome surprise. You can tell it’s
made of real potatoes and not a mysterious smooth slop. 8.5/10.
Corn dog: This certainly is one of the corn dogs to exist. Very spongy
meat, but pretty standard for a corn dog. The outside batter was not too
sweet, clearly distinguishing itself from the corn dog’s stickless dairy
counterpart: the Twinkie. 7/10.
Chicken tenders: WOW! A far cry from the pathetic microwave
chicken tenders of home, these are chicken tenders at their finest. Any
hospitalized child would love to eat them, they’re certainly worth
jumping off a swing mid-air for. But what could possibly make them
better? The Injured Child I was in contact with at CHoR told me to try
honey mustard with them. So I did. And my mind was blown. 10/10.

Verdict? Better than Sadler.

 The Botetourt Squat March 28th, 2024 PAGE 5

Unlucky Single-Celled Organism Has No Idea It's Gonna Evolve Into A Lameass Warbler
BY DEBORAH HAMSIS
The warbler called. It said "No, you."
I mean just look at the poor bastard. Out of all the multicellular was bad enough that my great-grandfather won an award in 1935 for
organisms that one could evolve into, this miserable fuck was producing the worst crop of tomatoes in New Jersey state history, but
saddled with the warbler. What a waste of a couple billion years of at least there were over 8 million potential genetic combinations for
evolution! I mean there certainly are worse bird species out there his progeny! This dumbass single-celled organism was given a single
than the warbler, I certainly don’t envy the ancestors of passenger pathway in the genetic lottery, and he did not win the Powerball prize
pigeons or dodo birds, but there’s just nothing special or unique in the bird world (cassowary or Philippine monkey-eating eagle). I
about these little feathered balls of blandness. I walk out of my certainly hope that my progeny over the next few thousand genera-
front door and I see at least ten warblers by the time I get to my tions won’t be so lame!
car. And they’re not even the cool, metaphorical kind of otherwise
common and unremarkable bird like crows or mockingbirds. At
least those dime-a-dozen feathered beasts have mid-tier YA book
titles for preteens to obsess over. If you were in the shoes of an
11-year old who’s been given $15 to spend at (insert whatever
middle school the reader went to)’s Scholastic Book Fair, and you
just had to purchase the third book of some overmilked dysto-
pian future series, would you choose the book with a warbler or
a crow in its title? I think we all know what the correct answer
is. I can’t even comprehend how disappointing it would be for a
single-celled organism of the early Cambrian era to find out that
its biological evolutionary tract would end with a milquetoast bird
species. There’s just nothing interesting about warblers. Finches
can be colorful and friendly, wrens are a building here and they’re
probably a metaphor for something, but warblers are just the
most unremarkable bird in a group of unremarkable birds. It’s
hard not to pity those unicellular organisms that have been given
the unfortunate responsibility of evolving into a warbler over the
next couple billion years. I’m tearing up just thinking about it!
Imagine such mediocrity coded into your very DNA! I thought it

WORD LIST
ANY OPENS
BLUE LOG
HATE DINING FOOD
LOVE DINING STAFF
NEW YAK UPDATE
PARKING BEEF
WBURG BIKERS BAD
WBURG DRIVERS BAD
WHO DTF
WMPD V WPD

A PHILLIP PHILATELIST
WORD GAME
SPECIAL REPORTS
Wellness Center to Offer Construction-Themed Restorative Services
BY VIPER
I sleep to jackhammer sounds.
Have you ever been studying on the
benches and tables near the sundial
outside Swem and been annoyed at
how peaceful and open the space was?
Of course not!
With the advent of the 3 different con-
struction projects continuously occur-
ring within earshot of this area, these
concerns are a thing of the past for the
student body of William & Mary. Any
student seeking the serene sounds of
construction - trucks backing up, non-
stop welding and sawing, construction
workers yelling unintelligibly back and
forth to each other, or just an excavator
dropping random shit into a hole in the
loudest possible fucking manner - can
study in this environment peacefully. In
fact, many students have claimed that
the noise has improved their grades,
giving many the confidence to switch
their major to areas of study previously
deemed out of their reach such as data
science and engineering, hopefully put-
ting the completely necessary ISC IV
addition to good use.
The popularity of construction has prompt-
ed many students to submit calls for more
construction to the administration, with
many scrambling to reside in Hardy and
Lemon hall for the following year’s hous-
ing in search of the constant sound of sweet
construction. To ameliorate student con-
struction anxiety, the McLeod-Tyler Well-
ness Center proudly announced in an email
this Monday a new initiative - weekly
guided meditations, done to recordings of
the construction occurring on the Northern
side of campus. “Experience the calming
and restorative effects of backhoes break-
ing rocks and numerous OSHA violations
in progress every week, and escape from
the noise-free monotony of everyday life,”
the announcement read.
Also promoted was the implementation of
“a lovely mile-long walking path complete-
ly enclosed in chain link fences covered in
green tarps” for the purpose of “immersion
into the cleansing world of construction.”
Sign-ups for the meditation sessions natu-
rally filled up within minutes, with many
students demanding they occur daily during
finals week due to construction noise’s sta-
tus as a lynchpin of academic wellbeing.
The Botetourt Squat § March 28th, 2024 § PAGE 6
“As someone who used to live next to a construc-
tion site last year, I grew deeply depressed when I
got waitlisted and had to move off campus and away
from the constant noise,” says one student. “I wasn’t
waking up for class on time, because I didn’t have
120 decibels of bullshit right outside my window
at 7 in the morning to wake me up. It’s been really
hard, but the Wellness Center’s new meditation ses-
sions have given me hope that I can be surrounded
by construction once again, if at least for a little
while.” These sentiments seem to be enthusiastically
reflected by the student body, who anxiously await
the beginning of the meditation sessions, and - more
prospectively - the arrival of more construction.
The desire for more obstruction of pathways, more
decimation of open lawn spaces, and more unending
noise that somehow cuts right through my head-
phones is shared by this writer, who would like to
commend the school for being so attentive to the
quality of life of its students.
OPINION FACT
The Giant Dawn Ducks Have Come
The Botetourt Squat § March 28th, 2024 § PAGE 7

BY FOUNTAINS OF DUCK POO

They force us to clean Sadler Terrace.
The Dawn of Spring is upon us! Get humanity for its great misdeed. a pen. Then, they made me write. (None of the ducks could write
ready for fluffy bunnies, pretty flowers, About 45 ducks approached because they had wings, not hands). They forced me to chronicle
and painting eggs. William & Mary Sadler terrace, with bottles of humanity’s great misdeeds. The giant Dawn ducks will not stop until
offers a variety of spring activities, Dawn dish soap in their wings. all of the oil is cleansed. Until humanity is cleansed. We must cleanse
including 1 Tribe 1 Day, but fuck that! Some of them were normal sized, Sadler terrace.
Y’all wanna hear about ducks! So let’s but many were giant. The giant
hear about some goddamn ducks. These ducks blockaded Sadler, forcing
past few months have been filled with anyone in their path to pick up a
emails about graffiti. What nobody mop and a bucket and clean the oil
mentions, however, is the oil. All the off the terrace. No one was free to
oil. All the Sadler cooking oil. During go. Anyone who refused to repay
a routine oil shipment, a massive vat the sins of humanity was made
of oil spilled on Sadler terrace. This to scrub the terrace with Dawn
oil spill greatly offended the ducks, the brand sponges and their own tears.
ducks of great Dawn commercial fame. I was there. They gave most of us
On the first day of spring, March 19th, cleaning supplies, but not I. I was
the ducks flew many miles and paddled fortunate enough to be handed
across the great Crim Dell to punish
Dear Anny: Ice Cream Addiction
BY ANNY NONYMOUS
Without the ice cream machine, what positives would tour guides say about Sadler?
DEAR ANNY: DEAR DESPERATE ICE CREAM DEVOURER:
Last week, the Sadler ice cream machine broke. I used to get I understand that it can be frustrating when things do not go our way. I, too, have
Sadler ice cream every day. Now I can’t because it hasn’t been enjoyed the occasional Sadler ice cream. I see that you are very upset over the
fixed yet! I need my Sadler ice cream. My friends say that it’s recent developments. It is okay to feel this way and your emotions are valid.
not that big of a deal but they don’t understand. That’s why I
contacted you, since they’re saying that I’m going crazy.
Still, I think that you are in the right. I want Sadler ice cream, too. No other ice
cream can replace the deliciousness of Sadler ice cream. I must have some soon.
I can’t stop thinking about Sadler ice cream. Whenever I walk If I do not get Sadler ice cream soon, I believe I may snap. I may even begin to
into the dining hall, I pass by it and I see that it’s broken. I see give people bad advice, such as the following:
the toppings station abandoned. I stand there for a few seconds,
hopeful that maybe someone is going to come fix it in the next
few minutes, but it never happens. Sometimes, I just stay in the It is important to listen to our loved ones if they think something is wrong. They
dining hall all day, hoping that today they’ll repair it. are not always correct, as they do not always have the full picture. However, it
seems your friends are very concerned about your wellbeing. I recommend that
you allow your friends to explain their worries. Try to keep an open mind, and
My idiot friends keep telling me that I’ve changed. I don’t think remember that they are coming from a place of love.
that’s true, though I have noticed some symptoms. My hands
shake whenever I go out of Sadler and don’t see the ice cream
machine working. I feel hot all the time. I get angry whenever Do not follow this advice as it comes from the addled mind of a Sadler ice cream
I can’t eat Sadler ice cream. I haven’t been able to focus on addict. Instead, we must do everything we can to get Sadler ice cream. Anything.
anything because I can’t stop thinking about it.
[Editor’s note: we rejoice at the newly returned Sadler ice cream machine.]

I know I’m not crazy. I just need the Sadler ice cream. Do you
think I’m crazy? I know I’m not! I just need it now! They have
to fix the Sadler ice cream machine soon. Please, Anny, give me
some good news. Or at the very least, just tell me that my friends
are wrong.

–Desperate Ice Cream Devourer

Have a mystifying inquiry? Email it to me at

DearAnnyNonymous@gmail.com
¿SP
SPÖÖRT AND REVIÜ? The Botetourt Squat § March 28th, 2024 § PAGE 8

Botetourt Squat Hiring Fitness Trainers for New Classes

BY PILATESMAN MANPILATES
Flex those gains, brother.
After being frequently mislabeled on Google Squatman Mansquat, the super buff founder of Botetourt Botetourt Squat has set up a GoFundme and a
Maps and Yelp as a fitness center, Botetourt Squat gave a statement on the new athletic endeavors. Kickstarter to get money that will go to building
Squat has decided to compete with The Rec to “With enough money, I think we can start offering MMA a totally legit Olympic sized swimming pool.
become involved in the world of fitness. Squat classes. Ideally, we would like to hire bodybuilding Additionally, Squatman Mansquat has a Patreon
is now looking for personal trainers to develop coaches too. But we need to get steroids first. I think we where donors can get humor enrichment pills and
customized exercise courses to achieve need to gain the gym bros’ trust before we can get our specialized muscle enlargement tutorials. Botetourt
maximum fitness Squat is also now offering hands on performance enhancing drugs.” There was just Squat has been endorsed by “pretty dope” athletes
group classes for pilates, cardio, kickboxing, one issue. There were some asterisks and unusually small such as Lance Armstrong and multiple retired
calisthenics, yoga, tai chi, strength training, print near the water aerobics and swimming classes. Russian Olympic athletes and is currently securing
and more. The group courses are designed to When asked about this, Mansquat flexed his extremely sponsorship deals with “a few controversial health
appeal to all ages, including children and the jacked veiny biceps and sighed. “The swimming and supplement companies”.
elderly. They will take place in an undisclosed water aerobics classes- we offer them but they are not
All fitness professionals reading this who are
location and are guaranteed to be “extremely recommended. Because right now, they will be in the
interested should call the following number:
fun”. Grim Dell: the Crim Dell was too shallow. Pools are
420-666-6969 or contact Botetourt Squat at
extremely expensive and we need more money before we
BotetourtSquat@gmail.com. Botetourt Squat
can build one.”
promises to pay well and make you super rich.
Report on the “TWAMP” of Earth [Editor's note: Botetourt Squat promises to make you
subjectively super rich.]
BY UNIDENTIFIED FLYING TWAMPJECT
We cum in peace. appears to be not only a god of prosperity, but a fertility idol due to his large
After our arrival on the planet, we have successfully made contact with genital area. TWAMP are often seen touching the statue’s appendage for
Earthlings, or “people”, as they call themselves, of the “TWAMP” variety. “good luck”. The TWAMP also attach religious significance to the colors
We have lived among them for months, and they have not recognized us green and gold, which is incorporated into the Griffin costume where he is
as visitors. From our knowledge of Earth, they are unusual by Earthling portrayed as having green and gold feathers.
standards, not only through their behavior but through their living system
The TWAMP are led by a religious leader- “Kathy Rowe” who often is seen
and cultural practices.
at ceremonial events. Kathy often throws a sacred disc, which she often
The TWAMP are Earthlings, primarily young adults who inhabit “William throws at important ceremonies. Kathy has her own house on the compound
and Mary” or “campus”, located in a larger territory called “Williamsburg”. and is seen with objects of luxury such as “Tesla vehicles”. The TWAMP
The TWAMP only spend a few years of their lives at this compound, but pay tribute to Kathy to gain access to the compound, and many view her
it often has long lasting effects on their psyche. They primarily live in “flexing” of Tesla vehicles as a misuse of their funds.
communal halls, many of which contain what could be called bathhouses.
The TWAMP often spend time together in large specialized buildings to
The TWAMP often dine together in large buildings, which are often said
gather knowledge and skills. They also frequently congregate at a building
to have unsatisfactory cuisine. Many TWAMP eat food and purchase
named “Swem” that seems to serve as a temple. The temple appears to be a
necessities from a nearby location named “Wawa”, which often serves as
shrine to knowledge, filled with books and other relics. TWAMP are often
a gathering spot, while others get theirs from a location called “Student
seen drinking a sacred beverage served inside the temple to increase their
Xchange” or “Sexchange”.
knowledge. This drink is a bean juice, often dark in color and bitter, which
The TWAMP have a God- “Griffin”, who is half lion and half eagle. During may be served hot or cold. It is served in many places on or adjacent to
important religious observances such as “Charter Day” and gatherings William and Mary. Its effects include increased energy and concentration,
in the dueling hall “Zable Stadium”, a worshiper will dress as Griffin to but also heart palpitations, twitching, and insomnia, and is often addictive.
motivate the rest of the populace or summon his spirit. There is a statue of
The TWAMPs have a holy pond “Crim Dell” with a sacred bridge which
Griffin outside of the dueling hall, which is likely dedicated to him. Griffin
according to folk tales binds two people together forever in love. The lonely
TWAMPs who cross the bridge will be cursed to be forever alone. Crim
In Memorium: EiC Alex Desai Dell is also involved in another TWAMP festivity called “Triathlon”, where
one must swim in the Crim Dell, run nude across the holy field “Sunken
Unfortunately, Alex Desai has succumbed to Garden”, and jump over the walls of “Governor’s Palace”. This practice is
graduation. He joins many past Editor-in-Chiefs often discouraged, but those who complete it are considered to have high
among the Honored Dead. You can help pay for valor.
his funeral (student debt) by scanning the QR
code below. Think you could
do better? Wanna
join the Squat?
It’s easy! If you
want to contact
us or submit an
article write to
botetourtsquat@
gmail.com. Or just
scan the QR code
here.