GLENN YOUNGKIN PLS READ

The Botetour t Sq u at
@botetourtsquat
Vol. 12, Issue 5 ‘Is It News? Probably.’ February 8, 2022

Botetourt Beat WM Offers new COLL 300 in Eastern Ukraine

Sponsored by Manscaped BY UNFORTUNATE SON
CREEDANCE COULD NEVER

₰ Katherine Rowe unveils new NFT Diplomas
₰ All W&M construction projects schedule to
be completed
₰ Did you guys ever notice that if you put
everyone on campus’ last name initials in
alphabetical order it spells aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
₰ Freshman dorms revealed to be long term
psychological experiment on freshman to see
how far the human psyche can be pushed
₰ William and Mary administration removes
all covid precautions from the wren building,
citing the ancient dust being able to successfully
joker beatbox Omicron out of circulation
₰ One bad gloop and she do what I yoinky 2
big splurgs and a big ass gloopy 3 more yoinks
then I buy me a smoothie poured up a gloop
that’s gloop and a splurgy
₰ Glenn Cumdumpkin Curses Charter Day,
Evil Twin Doomed
₰ Bryan Hall going for most consecutive fire
alarms world record
₰ Archeology Nerds: Dig Up These Nuts
₰ Pandemic trauma drives computer science
majors to start actually using deodorant —
psychologists stumped
₰ Governor Youngkin, you’re at William &
Mary. Read the room!
W
illiam and Mary prides itself on
having students with a holistic
education that spans knowledge areas
outside of their major. The COLL
300 requirement is created to broaden
students’ horizons on a global scale,
by having them interact with the wider
world in their studies. However making
this a requirement for graduation has
received mixed feedback.
While nobody can disagree that having
a global experience in their college
education is a bad thing, it’s often
A new COLL 300 class will see Students as possible on the ground
overshadowed by the overwhelming students traveling to Ukraine for in Ukraine,” said Art Ofdefence, “I
lack of courses available to students lessons in international relations and, mean they’re all around 20 years old
with the COLL 300 requirement. More to the surprise of some, economics. right? Healthy? Can carry around
often than not, students are faced with Also unlike other overseas COLL 45 pound backpacks? You know, for
the decision of giving up a summer and 300 classes, there will be no fun of course. Also no philosophy
a hefty sum to take courses overseas associated fee for this course. students right? Bunch of pansies…”
or scrambling for an on-campus Surprise donors, by the names of
alternative. Raymond Theon and Deputy Art Raymond Theon was quoted saying,
Ofdefence, decided to sponsor any “It’s just so important for students
To combat this scarcity William & and all students interested in the to know how the world works.
Mary, in their infinite resourcefulness program to ensure that as many If students perform how they’re
and wisdom, decided to use current students apply as possible. supposed to at this program, they
events to expand the COLL 300 have a good shot at getting a good
program. With tensions rising on the When asked about this generosity, career in the industry! I have it on
border of Ukraine and Russia, where the donors were glad to answer. good authority that participating in
the rest of the world may see conflict Ukraine will make some companies
William and Mary sees opportunity - VERY pleased.”
“We just think it’s important for
opportunity to teach its students real
there to be AS MANY American
life applications of various subjects.

To Reduce Heating Costs, WM Announces Conversion to Fire Pits in Dorm

JEFF BOZO
DADDY BEZOS KEEP US WARM

T hursday, February 3rd –

Following a recent wave of
complaints about faulty heating
interest of our campus community
to implement a gradual transition
from heating units to AmazonBasics
providing fire pits for students living
in groups fewer than three, Rowe
appeared unfazed.
forced us to tighten our belts, with
our $1.3 billion-dollar endowment
only allowing for the purchase of
systems in dormitories, College 23.5 Inch Steel Lattice Fire Pits 12684164.3087 fire pits.”
President Katherine Rowe within the shared living spaces on “While we deeply regret the
announced a series of sweeping campus,” stated Rowe in her most inconvenience posed to those The initiative has thus far resulted in
measures intended to assuage recent email. “Each suite consisting individuals, I have the utmost faith six fires and a number of emergency
the concerns of students while of three or more students will that our William and Mary family response calls, deeply enthusing
simultaneously fitting within the receive one 27.8 x 27.8 x 35-inch, will nonetheless look out for one some members of the William and
strict budgetary constraints of the 16.62-pound steel fire bowl for usage another and fully compensate for Mary Police Department.
University. within their common area, with a our lack of foresight. Unfortunately,
poker available for an additional meeting the needs of our students has “It’s been a while since we had a
“In a decision made in collaboration charge at the front desk of Sadler. proven to be far more of a challenge steady stream of work,” said one
with our Board of Visitors and the Assembly will not be included.” than we are currently capable of officer, “but after a long winter, the
Budget Office, the administration handling; the implementation of the holidays are finally looking up.”
has decided that it is in the best When questioned further about Fire Pits, to begin with, has already
AGENDA SETTING The Botetourt Squat § February 8, 2022 § PAGE 2

The Blob Has Escaped

pledge based on security
BY MR. JUUL footage. It is unknown how
OOF
large it can become.
I n a breaking news report
here at the Botetourt Squat
it has been confirmed by the The school administration
ISC Containment Branch has said it is currently
that The Blob has indeed evaluating the situation to
escaped. determine just how much
Not much is known about money they need to spend to
The Blob other than it was make it seem like they are
discovered at the Sadler West putting in effort to handle
Expansion construction this matter. For now they
site in early December. advise that students just
Eyewitness accounts stay in their rooms and they
Horde which could easily might not become one with
describe The Blob as a large
Medicinal herb enthusiast be mistaken with The Blob The Blob.
congealed mass resembling
and Freshman Mary Jane, in the dark conditions
that of Quaker Instant Grits The Blob is now considered
claimed to have last seen which she claimed the event
that has somehow gained hostile. Esteemed researcher
The Blob in her room at occurred in.
sentience. Benjamin Rick added this
GGV during the night but Reportedly, The Blob first final caution, “If you see
“Yeah it was kinda weird
many have dismissed this appears slow but can reach The Blob The Blob sees
looking, but I was glad since
explaining that “That’s just frightening speeds. So far it you. Don’t bother running.
it gave us another excuse to
GGV.” has absorbed approximately If it wants you it WILL take
delay construction,” Ricky,
Ms. Jane may in fact just 12 squirrels, 5 bikes, 2 deer, you. You best pray to your
a construction worker stated.
saw the seasonal Roach and one passed out fraternity deity of choice.”

The Botetourt Squat

‘Casus sunt, notabile est’
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu

Editors Current Staff

Rebecca Klinger, Editor-In-Chief Trent Pilcher
Noah Broude, Managing Editor Callie Booth
Matthew Reid, Copy Chief Mason Liddell
Jamie Godfrey, Digital Editor Miles Mortimer
Claire Hogan, Lead Writer Mason Jewell
John Riegner, Social Media Editor Alex Luck
Kofi Asenso, Website Editor Abby Mendez
Moss Slack, Social Chair Will Florentino
Anu Desai, Town Fool Lacy McClain
Halle Boynton, Village Idiot Lace Grant
Taylor Liegel
The Honored Dead Kelley Wang
Hallie Feinman Enya Xiang
Julia Wicks Jamaica Jones
Anna Simpson Micah Neff-McGready
Jonah Abraham
Tommy Blackwell
Drew Shao
John Polcyn
THOTS ON LIFE
Rolyn Trotter Elizabeth Brady W&M’s Premiere Sex and Lifestyle Column
Zach Rubin Natalie Wexler
Andy Goodstein Emma Williams Does your penis fit in a toilet paper roll?
Charles Gowan Tristan Robinson
Zack Quaratella Matt Lowrie
Rigel Kaufman

Disclaimer: This is a satirical publication and

should be read as such. Not intended to be read
by anyone under 18, Student Affairs, Deborah
Cheesebro, or people who don’t understand
satire. Any non-public figures represented
here are either fictional or represeted with
their express consent. Please don’t sue us. We
don’t have money. We don’t have anything. I’m still receiving the body of enis
Christ
 The Botetourt Squat February 8, 2022 PAGE 3

Katherine Rowe The Type of Individual To…

BY THE SKELETONSON
TAG URSELF IM THE LGBTQ
AMOGUS POPPING TRINKET Agouris, aghast in her expression
at the little guy struggling to be

K atherine Rowe is seriously

the type of individual to
tinker around with various
trinkets, doodads, and baubles.
Every waking day, passing that
monolith of a building that houses
that jolly fellow, I hear the little
cranks and whirs of gadgetry at
work. There are silly man-made
creatures creeping about in there,
and at the top of them all, lies the
most whimsical and quirky beast
to bless the Sunken Green Grass,
Katherine “The Puppeteer” Rowe.
Crank, crank, and ring-a-ting-a-
ling go the little passed college
souls living in the machines.
Tapping and crawling along the
walls, the suspicious, silly souls go Only once has one of the little
around and about, whirring along homunculi escaped, a goofy little
as they joyously meander about.
What sound will the next little
creature make? A phone a-ringing
around! A cat’s lazy meow! The
wiggling of the tambourine! The
bell at the end of all things! What
a joyous symphony our lovely
president provides for us!
incident about three dozen years
ago. An itty-bitty copper robot
traveling on its two spherical
feet! What a surprise this was to
the only other human to see one
of these creations! As it creeped
across the land of Williamsburg,
it found a door — a wooden door
that it zapped and prodded away
upon until the door slowly opened.
Egads! There she was! One Peggy
released.
Of course, once one sees one of
these contraptions, they are no
longer allowed to live a normal
life. Therefore, Peggy was
enlisted as the second to Rowe.
But neither of them were unhappy
— soon, doodad and trinket
production levels would be at
an all-time high. Harmoniously
they work even through today,
transforming the living into the
eternally silly.
So, when next you are feeling
empty and devoid of hope, be
assured that you remember your
history, and if you are lucky
enough, maybe you, too, will
soon be a whimsical and fun-
filled creature.

Boswell Hall Officially Identified as Gate to Hell, Doom He/They in

BY THE WORMED ONE PBK Cube
FORMERLY DOOM GUY

T HE HELLMOUTH — We are reporting live

from the most cursed part of Williamsburg
besides Colonial Williamsburg, Boswell
Hall. Formerly known as [Insert Piece of Shit
Slaveowner] Hall, it is commonly considered
the worst fucking building on campus. It is the
cumdump of the College. Every course known
to man is in this fucking building. On your
way to this academic nightmare, you graduate,
get married, have kids, get divorced, and
have to pay child support to your emotionally
and physically distant children who live in
Poughkeepsie. It’s just like the beach from
OLD.

Earlier this week, the sheer weight of the mental

energy brought by the en masse unearthing
of William and Mary students cracked the
foundations of Boswell, and its maze- and
abyss-filled interiors melted under the heat
of the fires underneath. From the bowels of
Boswell, the campus has now filled with NFT
monkeys and Joe Rogan. There is no hope.

Life has not changed for the classics and

film majors, whose endless trek to Boswell
continues, their children in Tallahassee waiting
for their phone call. The only thing keeping
this campus together is the Boswell professors,
whose bravery and fortitude know no bounds in
entertaining the empty minds of their students.
The new semester brings new horrors, eldritch
In other news, the release of hellfire onto campus instead absorbed into the PBK Cube. From
and otherwise!
has also brought the presence of the Doom He/ the meeting place for The Wren Journal, the
They, formerly the Doom Guy, onto William Doom He/They’s screams can be heard ringing
Despite the hellfire bubbling and demons and Mary’s campus. They were seen running across Lemon Field as he descends deeper into
crawling from its foundation, Boswell remains into the PBK construction site searching for madness.
mostly unchanged. It still fucking sucks. crypto bros and business majors, but were
VARIETY Student with unfortunate name removed from all Listservs
The Botetourt Squat § February 8 2022 § PAGE 4

BY THE GHOST OF M NIGHT
SHYAMALAN
YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE HOW THIS ONE
ENDS
T he recent move from gmail to
outlook has been a rocky one,
without a doubt. Having to learn a
whole new interface for something as
simple as email is a chore that William
and Mary students would have been
completely happy without. Not to
mention students having to change
their subscriptions from one email
to the other. Nonetheless, paying for
gmail proved too hefty a detraction
from William and Mary’s budget.
Between Katherine Rowe’s bonuses
and the butler paid to wipe Glenn
Youngkin’s ass during his visit on
charter day, funds were just too tight
this time around.
Students and organizations alike have
had to adapt to the changes. Namely,
all student organizations have had to
change their listserv registries from
addresses ending in email.wm.edu
to just wm.edu. To save time, most
organizations used a quick script to
simply remove the phrase “email” from
their registry. While this prevented
organizations from having to swap
around the emails individually, it did
have an unfortunate consequence for
one particular student.
when he stopped receiving emails
from his various clubs.
“It was like overnight! I used to get
about seven or eight emails a day from
my clubs, depending on the day but
now it’s nothing!” exclaimed Edward
when asked about this grievance. “I’m
sure the folks at the club didn’t mean
anything by it but it felt like I was cut
out from this world entirely!”
We reached out to a couple
organizations that Edward belonged
to just in case this was some kind of
mistake.
“Edward Ail?” Said a representative
from the obscure news organization
The Flat Hat, “Nobody of that name
seems to come to mind. Though we
go through a lot of interns, you know.
Not everyone can handle the pressure.
Maybe he was in the club for a couple
meetings then dipped? But I really
don’t remember anyone with a name
like that.”
When told about this answer from
The Flat Hat, Edward became visibly
distressed.
“That can’t be, I was a very active
writer!” said Edward, “I was even
their political commentator, I wrote a
whole piece on Reagan’s election!”
It was at this point, dear reader, that we
realized that Edward had been dead
the whole time. To prevent confusions
like this from occurring in the future,
all issues of the Botetourt Squat will
be blessed by an ordained minister
and soaked in holy water. If holding an
issue causes your discomfort, please
consult a dermatologist or a priest.

Edward MacPherson Ail, email@

email.wm.edu, who was once a very
active member of several organizations
on campus suddenly felt cast astray

Press Replay with Becca K. among us in real life (sus sus)

Don’t idolize musicians. They will just
disappoint you. Smash Mouth supported
vaccine misinformation and now
everyone hates them. All Star is the new
anti-vax anthem. I can’t wear my Smash
Mouth shirt anymore or the W&M
student body will collectively pull me
into a dark alley and beat me to a pulp. I
swear I’m vaccinated, boosted and have
had covid twice. I’m immune. Please
don’t hurt m-
Becca K. is a Movie major whose personality
is defined by her Spotify playlists, Crocs, and
White Cheddar Cheez-It Grooves.
BY YUNG HORCHATA AKA ASAP PLANTAIN AKA THE
DEPENDENT VARIABLE AKA OL’ JOCK
therapiss told me i have imposter syndrome just like amgus
had 2 vent to my therapiss like i amsus
felt like yung thug im super sussy ( esbian)
bro was marinating he smell like bad1ussy ( ars)
This isn’t very funny. God knows Among Us is a dead meme. I’ve got
nothing left in me. To be honest, I haven’t felt anything for so long. Be
funny, they tell me (it’s all you’re good at). Why do I drag on? I am a
ghost, aimlessly drifting through the waves of the world, and you’ll never
see me drown. Everyday I drag myself through the glass chamber I find
myself stuck in and will never free myself from it. There’s nothing left
for me here. Leave me alone, I have tasks to complete.
omg i have TASKS this thsi is EXACTLY like aMUSSY
please someone help me im so tired
 The Botetourt Squat
The Results Are In: The 1693 Furs Are The Top Club on Campus
BY GREMLIN
(ALPHABETICALLY)
T his weekend, shockwaves
ran through campus as the
1693 Furs, a newer organization
here at William and Mary, were
revealed to be ranked first on
campus if you order all of the
clubs alphabetically. “Yeah, this
was a long time coming,” said
Gerald Horse, a representative
of the 1693 Furs. “Ever since 7th
Grade Sketch Comedy innovated
by starting their name with a
number… Well, you know what
had to be done.”
This news comes as a surprise
especially to the Academic
Advising Peer Advisors. “Who
would have thought? Numbers
coming before the alphabet?
February 8, 2022
Absolutely impossible,” stated
the head of the organization. And
right they are - when polled, less
than 1% of students on campus
voted that the 1693 Furs were
the top club.
So, who was behind this
decision? An independent
investigation revealed that the
Griffin itself might have played a
key role. “Yeah. I gave them the
idea to name the club after the
year our great College here was
chartered,” the Griffin shared,
wiping away a steady stream of
tears. “But now that I know that
the 1693 Furs were just using
me… I regret it.” When asked
what might be done for the next
tally of the top clubs on campus,
the Griffin spoke further. “They
PAGE 5
can’t last too long. Once someone
decides a club should start with a
0, I imagine it will all break apart.
Every club will need to have some
zeroes at the start to keep being
competitive in this world.”
In the remnants of the new
hierarchy, some have started
extreme measures to be at the top
of the rankings. The most notable
of which, the “Number One Club
WM” campaign, has already
gathered dozens of followers
lobbying for a club entitled
“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.” If you are
interested in being in the Number
One Club of WM, please email
number1clubwm@gmail.com.
SPECIAL REPORTS
Outlook “Too Expensive,” Student Email Moves to GirlsGoGames.com
The Botetourt Squat § February 8, 2022 § PAGE 6

BY SOY MAN
W&M CRYPTO BROS BEGIN TRADING
GGGCOIN For the unacquainted, GirlsGoGames the sudden change and has brought

T he William and Mary IT team
announced this morning that
William and Mary student email
accounts would be moving from
Outlook to GirlsGoGames.com,
after Outlook announced a price
hike of 0.02%. “We want to make
clear to students that we’ve heard
their complaints,” said IT head Mork
Zorkerborg. “Outlook is too reliable of
a platform. It makes too much sense.
What William and Mary students really
need is something bright, something
bold — to have their emails hosted
on the same platform as the flash-
based dress up game Back to School:
Princess Rush.
is a website which hosts a myriad of
games to which girls go. The homepage
greets the viewer with a series of
game categories including “Dress
Up,” “Cooking,” “Beauty,” and “Fast
and Furious: Tokyo Drift.” Students
were quick to point out that none of
these categories were “Email.” The IT
department explained in a frantic email
that they would not be adding an email
tab on the site — instead, mail will be
found in the Ice Princess: Pregnant
Checkup settings menu.
Student responses to the announcement
have been mixed. The student body
largely does not seem to appreciate
up concerns regarding moving club
listservs and calendars. Others,
however, view the issue differently.
“It can’t be worse than Outlook. Last
week I tried to email my professor with
the new account,” said Bip Preebus.
“A hand reached out of my laptop and
stabbed me, narrowly missing a vital
artery.”
Erica Titsoff looks forward to the
change too, but her reasoning is
different. “I just really like playing
Elsa Pimple Popper 2.”

Facilities Management Accidentally Replaces Hardy with Giant Death Pit

BY THE LITTLE GOBLIN NOAH
DON’T TALK TO THE GNOMES
W ILLIAMSBURG — As
part of the College’s
recent swathe of construction,
Hardy Hall was targeted for
renovation over winter break.
Residents were overjoyed
when they heard the plans for
the building — new in-room
thermostats, improved water
pressure, even a new pool
in the basement. However,
Pedagogy with Noah B.
“Don’t be afraid to throw rotten
fruits at politicians you disagree
with.”
students were disappointed
when, upon returning to their
dorm, they were met with a
pit full of goblins, ghouls,
gnomes, gremlins, and other
unpleasant creatures.
“I was really looking forward
to returning to campus — I
left my dog in my dorm over
break, so I was especially
disappointed to see that my
dorm had become a hellish
pit from which horrors
beyond my imagination
emerged,” said [NAME
REDACTED]. “Yeah,”
said Broah Noude ‘23, “I
honestly like the new death
pit. It’s a lot more interesting
to look at than the old Hardy,
and I’ve actually befriended
a few of the gremlins. Not
the gnomes, though. Those
guys are complete asshats.”
Brian Crystal, Director of
Operations and Management,
gave a press conference last
night. “We fully intended
to open the death pit to the
Realm Beyond,” he began,
eyes sullen and skin sallow.
“We have been in contact with
Cr’ath’kolackh, the One Who
Devours, who put in a service
request to have the death pit
installed. The unspeakable
abominations released from
the pit will serve to be a
valuable addition both to the
William and Mary community
and the Great Devourer’s
terrestrial army.” After his
press conference, Crystal burst
into flames, following which
a scaled creature resembling a
human-sized butterfly flew out
of the flames and towards the
pit.

Noah Broude is a history and

linguistics major who spends most
of his time telling people what
linguistics actually is.
D
OPINION FACT The Botetourt Squat § February 8, 2022 § PAGE 7

This message was paid for by the

really old joke that no one even
gets anymore foundation
¿SP
SPÖÖRT AND REVIÜ?
Admin to Cut Data Science Major, Redirect Funds to Esports Programs
BY GOPHER(S) ON THE GRASS
GAMERS 4 LYFE
I t has been a little over
three semesters since every
professor, aside from one,
teaching the Data Science major
here at William and Mary has
been laid off. To compensate,
administration has, so far, been
pulling unwilling subjects from
other programs across the board
to try and compensate. Three law
professors, five computer science
professors, the entire business
school, and a random solicitor
named Horatio have all been
pulled to teach data science since
the staffing shortage, leaving
many students wondering when,
if ever, they will be able to
take the capstone course only
offered once over four years
ago. Luckily, this chaos will not
continue, as the Arts & Sciences
staff has decided to abandon
whatever “Data Science” is and
go for something of actual use —
Esports.
When asked about this decision,
Provost Peggy Agouris simply
stated that it was “time to play
the long game,” and that she
was planning on “leveling up”
the campus as a whole. Given
the extreme voracity that Peggy
exhibited while making these
claims, it has seemed within reach
for many students to suppose
that the entire campus would
be moving to operate in virtual
space. “It would be super epic,”
proclaims Tony Blevins, head of
the College’s decades-old Fortnite
team. “If I ever couldn’t solve a
problem, I could just dump some
points into intelligence. I’m sure
the college’s numbers would
skyrocket.”
As part of the yearly William
and Mary Happy Holidays video,
President Rowe confirmed the
suspicions of many. “More than
eighty percent of the College’s
operations will now be run through
WM Gaming,” a program offering
the fulfillment of most majors
The Botetourt Squat § February 8, 2022 § PAGE 8
through demonstration of gamer
skills. Students quickly found out that
this project, described as “innovative
education for all gamers,” was merely
a reskinned version of the popular
mobile game Clash Royale. Many of
the more hardcore gamers aboard the
program seemed to turn their heads
at the prospect that they would be
reduced to a mobile game, of all things,
especially once they found out that
Rowe, in the new program, would be
running 2.6 hog cycle.
A far cry from what gamers such as
Blevins imagined, and therefore a
disappointment to much of its primary
audience, the program has been put
into an uncertain state, supposedly
undergoing a rework. It is now
rumored that all William and Mary
education will be based around League
of Legends, but this is unconfirmed.
Whatever the program’s form may be
when it returns, the only certainties
Rowe provides are that “there is no
way to opt out of the program once
entering,“ and that “any who die in the
game will really die.”
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