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Umbutho by Kaiamila8874
Introduction
The sun shines brighter than anything in the world. It is a
symbol of hope and brings us to a new day where there's a
restart button for everything and everyone. It is without a
doubt that beauty, true beauty is only with nature itself. The
beautiful differentiated flowers, the rivers, the sea, the ocean
and waterfall. Beauty is indeed with us and even though we
poison it with dark hearts and maltreatment, it still favours us.
The beauty of the ocean is still with as even with all the poison
of plastic that kills its children. It remains strong and without
fault. Maybe just maybe one day all these beautiful things that
are given to us and we are not greatful for will be taken from us
or even turn against us showing a very ugly side of themselves
which would make us regret what we have been doing for
years. Maybe one day we will wake up and realize that the sun
no longer allows us warmth and the glow of the morning till
dark, the moon would be nonexistent and forever forget about
ever shining a light for us. Maybe one day the water will stop
streaming down the rivers and the oceans will have not even a
drop of it. Maybe just maybe, the world would be coming to an
end but for now... now lets focus on what we as humans tend
to do because honestly the story of the ocean and the sun will
be told someday maybe by me or not and till that day comes, i
assure you I will wait and see for my life is full of surprises. My
name is Buhlebethongo Khumalo I am an only child of my
father uBab'Khumalo. This is my story.
Chapter ONE
I live in Umhlanga with my father. We live in a big house but
not those kind of mansions. It's been the two of us against the
world since the beginning of time and without fault my father
has taken care of me and loved me like no other. He has been
the piller of my strength everyday without fail. I love this man
and I am not ashamed of saying he is and will always be my first
love.
My mother abandoned me after giving birth to me. I have been
angry with her for the longest time and truth be told, i have
decided to forgive her for all that she has done and the damage
she left behind while doing so. She missed out on a lot and it's
her loss just that.
I would be lying if I said I knew what my father does for a living
and whenever I asked he'd say and I quote "Hlehle all you need
to focus on is school and eating my money
phela (that's all) nothing else should concern you" and I
dropped it. So whenever he leaves I don't ask questions, I just
do my chores and make sure dinner is ready and that's just it.
My father and I have that typical Zulu father daughter
relationship. He is strict and stern and doesn't really wait for
anything really. When he says something you don't talk back
neither do you backchat. You'd think I was spoilt but never, my
father is a very intimidating man and that is always what I've
known. I never got into trouble at school, always made sure my
school work and my chores were complete before doing
anything else and even at the age of 22 I still abide by my
father's rules. I have never been to a party all night and not
returned.
Waking up today I do what I am used to doing. I could say I'm
predictable plus I have a class at 08:00 so yeah. I do my bed and
my hair because this hair is a curse and a half. I do everything
that I need to do before I head to the kitchen and prepare
porridge. Deep down I know I would hate it if Baba had a wife
because then what is the use of having me around. Just as he is
over protective of me I am of him as well. When I'm done I hear
his footsteps as he walks in with all his glory. "Sawubona
Hlehle" he says as he takes a sit in the dining room passing me
in the kitchen. "Yebo Baba" I reply then pour some porridge in a
bowl and give him with a glass of water. "Are you not having
breakfast today?" He asks with his head stuck in the
newspaper. Who still reads from the newspaper when they
have enough money to afford a tablet? "Cah Baba I have an
early class" I respond and take my bag on the table and an
apple then kiss his cheek and attempt to walk out. " Hlehle?"
He calls. "Baba" I turn around and look at him. "I'm still too
young to become a grandfather" what? Haiibo lo Baba. "I...
Baba bye bye" I run out with him chuckling. I know that he
knows that I'm seeing someone and although it's not serious,
he is still there. The question is why the hell did he indirectly
hint that he knows I'm already having sex?
I had my Umemulo last year on my birthday and soon after I
started having sex with this guy I met. His name is Sfiso and he's
ok I guess. He is not my boyfriend because I have not yet found
the kind of love that my father gives to me. I want someone
just like him; stubborn, strict, loving and overall supportive. My
father has set standards that no boy has been able to reach so
far and it's ok I'll wait but since sex is all good and stuff why not
wait while I'm doing it with someone that thinks I don't know of
his other endeavours. I reach school 15 minutes before my first
class and there I meet Sfiso showing off his new car for the
300th time this year. Sigh the things we see in vasity. He sees
me walking towards him and ignores the girl he was flirting
with. This one thinks I'm an idiot. "Hey beautiful" he says
wrapping his arms around my waist. Him saying that is just like
hearing my full name from one of the white professor's here in
school. It's disrespectful towards the source of it and how it
was given to me and for what reason. He looks at me and tries
to kiss me making me back away. "Hawu baby what's wrong?"
He asks with a stupid smug on his face. I hate Pda it's
disgusting. "Ain't you suppose to be in class?" I ask with a
confused look on my face. He majors in Astronomy for Christ
sake why is he so negligent of his studies? "I don't feel like it
today. I'm not in the mood for numbers and whatever" he says
dismissively.
1
"Are you serious right now? This is your last year Sfiso you
cannot be willingly wasting it like it's nothing" I say feeling like
he's just a waste of brain if he has any. Rumor is his parents
bribed the dean into letting him in when his matric results were
crap. I'm not a gossip monger but it's actually starting to make
sense. "Could you stop lecturing me and give your man some
love?" He says getting annoyed. "Haiibo me telling you to focus
on making your dreams come true is me lecturing you?" I say
putting my hands on my waist. "I have money sweetheart I
don't need school. My parents have it all so why the heck
should i be stressing myself with this place when I could be
owning clubs with no degree?" What has our nation become?
Our children have lost all hope in dreams Tata Madiba. They
think school is a waste of time. They all want to be Dj's how
Tata? How? I stand there defeated. So he thinks his parents are
going to be here forever? Does he think money grows
on trees? He's going to have a bitter reality check when it all
comes down shame. "You know what I don't have time for this.
I have class in five minutes." I say and try walking past him
when he grabs my hand and tightens it. "You do know that I
can have any and ever girl here in campus who won't pester me
about things that do not concern them right?" I look at his eyes
then laugh out loud attracting all the people who are actually
here to study that are on there way to class's eyes. "What are
you waiting for? Hmm? You need mommy and daddy to sign at
it first? You're not that special Sfiso and until you figure that
out you are going to have the most biggest clap reality has ever
dished out and I hope by then it won't be too late" I pull my
hand from his grip then walk to class. Stupid boy left a bruise
on my arm.
1
I hate my skin colour. Everyone else seems to think that being
light is some kind of blessing or whatever, me on the other
hand hate how light I am. I am too light to a point where this
one time I was waiting for a taxi and a woman kept looking at
me weird. She said to the driver that I should go in first before I
get home burnt by the scorching sun. Well I appreciated the
fact that I got into a taxi but I was also disappointed at the fact
that there were people in front of me who were also waiting to
get inside. My skin is just weird. I look exactly like my father
except for my skin color. I have asked him if my mother was like
this but he said no and that I have a skin condition that just
makes me the way I am. It's not ichey or anything and I have
had acne problems during my high school years and I thank God
that they didn't leave black marks.
When I get home my father is not here as expected so I walk to
my room and change into more comfortable clothes then start
cleaning up and making sure it's tidy. As I'm done and trying to
binge watch one of my favourite shows CSI: Vegas, i get
interrupted by a phone notification and it's a message from an
unsaved number. I open the message and here lies my
boyfriend having sex with this girl named Hleziphi from my
school. She and I used to be friends in high school until she
started to become a bitch and wanted what I had so I cut her
off. Now here she is moaning for my boyfriend like her life
depends on it. I close my eyes then just breath. Anything can go
wrong right? I know I wasn't really invested in Sfiso that much
but he was still my boyfriend and I thought he'd at least dump
me before all of this. Let's just say the rest of the day went
sour.
2
After that night I realised that my father was right about a lot
regarding men in general. So I dumped the spoilt brat then
focused on my studies and kept glowing with this weird ass
skin. Today I had errands to run and uBaba left early so I
couldn't catch a ride. I walked to the taxi rank then got into a
taxi while my mind kept being busy about my upcoming
assignment. I am a perfectionist, i like everything in a certain
way and that is just how I am. I just want order and order
comes when you hand in your assignments on time.
When I got to town I walked around for a while trying to
remember why I even came to this place because it is crowded
and loud. I mean it's only 12am people why the hell is the mall
so full of people at this time? When I'm done with what I
needed to do after walking around for a good hour I went to
the food court then ordered a meal and sat being busy on my
phone before I was rudely interrupted by Hleziphi and her
friends voices. "Whuuu shame I kinda feel sorry for her though
mnguni I mean imagine your man, probably the only person
that made you known in school fucking a girl then sending you
the video." They laugh after one of them says this. Hleziphi
answers and says "Hmm but then they never really
complimented each other, i was just helping him out since
someone lacks in that department" then they full on laugh
gathering people's eyes.
I turn around and face them just so they can say all of this to
my face. "Yazi some of us are so focussed with school that
whores like you don't even brush us the wrong way." I say.
People around say those annoying sounds like 'eish' 'yuuuh'
and all of those. " if I was you I wouldn't be so quick on my
toungue when you couldn't even service your own man"
Hleziphi says as she looks away. I laugh then look at her again.
"Service ohh I wasn't aware that we were talking about being a
prostitute. If I was then I would've started with all your
shenanigans. Have you no shame you busy speaking about
service when you and I know that the hole down there is bigger
that this table" I say throwing her shade as well. My father ain't
raise no sissy. She looked shocked that I know that. Hleziphi
always liked the finer things in life so her sleeping with older
men for money is not surprising. She swallows then as she
starts saying something i stop her.
"Don't start when you know you won't be able to finish. I'm not
your friend mina Hleziphi I will wipe this floor with your fake
hair then make sure it's even more clean with those fake nails.
Ungalinge ungijwaele mina angisona intsango. Angibhemwa
tsk (Don't think so low of me, I am not weed I will castrate you
to bits) " I stand up then take my order and walk away leaving
her and her friends embarrassed to the core. When I get home i
sigh the biggest sigh ever. This is just fucked up. If I was more
pissed I would've punched her but then I don't want to go to jail
because I'm pretty sure when my father bails me out he's going
to send me to Robben Island so that I can come back and
say oAmandla that Madiba said. Hayii remind me not to marry
a Zulu man because my kids are going to have it rough. "Ya
wena mashayana (Yes people beater)" Baba says as i walk into
the kitchen.
2
Yeah so I kinda punched this douchbag called Sfiso when he
started getting all ' it's your fault that I cheated '. He tried to
shift the blame to me when he is the shit bag so people took
videos and it ended up trending. I don't know how someone
that still reads the news on a newspaper heard of it or even saw
it but he did and ever since he's been calling me uMashayana.
"Sawubona Baba" I say then heat the cold meal. "Yebo Ali
uphumaphi? (Where are you from?)" He asks. "Emall (from the
mall)" I answer. He nods then walks to the living room and calls
me there. When I am sitted he looks at me intently and I know
that look. That look says ' Buhlebethongo you and I need to talk
' and I just listen and talk when need be. "Why did you hit him
so that I know when he decides to file charges?" He asks finally
after the mental torture he put me through. "He cheated on
me" I say half honest. "So you think it's ok for girls to just start
hitting boys because they cheated? Does it not fall under
Gender based violence or demostic violence mhmm?" He asks a
bit more stern. I start playing with my fingers just keeping quiet
and I know he's getting irritated because of the hole he's
burning on my face with his eyes.
"Khuluma Buhle." He commands as I swallow the last bit of spit
in my mouth. "Yes Baba it does but I... He slept with another
girl then sent me the video only to make himself the victim
when he finally saw me the next day. He wanted to make me
believe that I caused it that I made him cheat." I say letting the
honest truth out. He sighs then motions with his hand showing
me to come to him. I sit beside him as he lays me on his chest
and plays with my hair. This is how I know that I am forgiven. "I
am very proud of you for knowing when a boy is bullshiting you
instead of agreeing to everything he says. Submission is a
choice and it only comes willingly you cannot be forced to
submit. Kodwa Hlehle, you are also not free to go around
punching people because you are too beautiful to spend a night
in a jail cell so please ok. If a boy is shitting on you, let uBaba
handle it ok?" He says. "Yebo Baba" I respond.
The rest of the day went pretty well after the talk with my
father and all. We both prepared dinner and had it in a
comfortable, peaceful silence. He kept stealing glances at me
here and there. I feel hurtful sometimes when it clicks that my
father has been choosing me over any and every women who
has ever crossed our path. He would be in love but then in a
few weeks the women would no longer be seen or heard off. I
love him mostly for all the sacrifices he has made for me and
for all the times he'd stop what he was doing just to nurse me
back to health. He is a father that most children deserve while
others really need. "Baba" I said looking at him in his beautiful
eyes. "Hlehle" he responds with a hint of love and aprieciation
in his gruff voice which is normally filled with domination. "I
love you" I say seething with pure honesty because it's the way
I feel.
"I love you too Hlehle wakaBaba" he says with a big smile
plastered on his face and his eyes twinkling with love and
adoration. If it was possible I would spend the rest of my life
thanking God for this amazing gift of a father. The door
interrupts me from my thoughts as my father quickly bolts up
and attends to it. I wonder who would want to disturb us in
such a loving way. I heard a deep voice almost like my father
but a little under deep. I don't know if I'm making sense but the
voice didn't exactly sound like my Dad's so o decided to find out
who it might be and as soon as I step next to my father, i see
someone, someone that is just.... What the hell? "Baba what's
going on?"
3
Dear life, whatever I have done to make you seem harder to me
in a matter of a few days; I am sorry.
So my father stood before an exact copy of himself. From what
I know, uBaba is the only child and doesn't have any cousins
nor brothers. This that I am looking at is quite confusing and
dragging to say the least. Who is this younger version of my
father and why did he just bang on our door? "He says he is my
son" my father utters in a gentle voice. It is very much visible
that this man is related to us but how? Baba would've informed
me in regards to a sibling right?
The man looks like my father but he is slightly way
underdressed. He is basically in rags and that just makes my
heart sore. If indeed he is my brother, that means life has not
been too kind to him. I wonder if he's even eaten anything
because his lips are dry and brittle and also look very cracked.
The eyes that resemble my father's are covered in a wall of
pain. My father makes way for him to enter and that's when I
notice the little boy clinging on his father's leg. They walk in
deeper into the living room as the little boy shy's away on his
father's lap.
"Hlehle, make them something to eat." My father commands in
a monotone voice sending a vibrating sound throughout the
house. I head to the kitchen listening in hoping to hear them
talk but no sound bounces in my eardrums. I hand the food
over to 'my brother' and watch as he feeds only his son. The
connection these two hold is by far the most transparent, you
see the love, you feel the love and you just bask in it. When he
is done he takes a few spoons to his own mouth and drops it.
The plate is not empty but he doesn't seem to care as his eyes
linger on the small man laying his head on his father's chest.
"Bengisacela amanzi? (May I please get a glass of water?)" He
speaks for the first time in my view asking for a glass of water.
When I hand it to him he whispers to the boy and makes him
drink then allows him to go back to his nap. The little boy is
quiet tierd so it isn't weird that he wants to sleep plus it's quite
late. I take the plates away and go back to the living room
sitting across the man. "Igama lami (My name is) oNtsikayomzi
Xaba. Isona sbongo engisaziyo. (That's the surname I was raised
with) " He says humbly. Ntsika is quite a tall man and if he ate
more he would also be fit. He is very skinny and what i have just
witnessed makes me believe he'd rather his son eat that
himself. "Lo (This) uNkanyiso he is my son, una 4 futhi akaboni
kahle emehlweni (he's four years old, he has eye problems)" he
says pointing to the snoring boy on his lap. He looks so cute and
his eye problems would most probably compare to mine.
"I was raised in Kwamashu and I never knew by who. I've been
looking for my family for years and unfortunately I lost the
woman that raised me. I am 29 years old and ngempela ngiya
phanda kodwa kunzima (I do hustle here and there
but it's hard). I found a lead about the woman that raised me so
I followed it. Staying on the streets half of my life helps with
this kind of information. When I found her she couldn't even
look me in the eyes, she just told me my father's name and
where I would find him and locked me out. I don't care about
her all I care about is having a ceremony for uNkanyiso so that
he becomes well nje ngezinye engane. Please I'm not here for
money nor am i here for your love it's fine if you don't want me
here but I really need this for him. I don't care about myself just
him" he said the last part in a whisper. Now that i see it,
Nkanyiso was scratching on his skin each time and each time he
would release a painful whimper. I knew that this Man was
telling the truth when Nkanyiso scratched his back and I saw his
birth mark. A birth mark that I possess which is all over my back
and if I'm guessing right it would be all over Nkanyiso's back as
well.
My father saw this too so he stood up and asked me to show
them a room in which they would sleep in. He looked angry and
ready to destroy a lot. He left soon after and I wondered where
he would be going and I hope that the person is ready for his
fury. I looked at my brother in the eyes and sighed. Only God
knows what he's been through and I pray he is not emotionally
hurt because those people are the ones that tend to self-
destruct. I showed him the room and gave them new
toothbrushes as well as my father's old clothes. They were not
really old they just didn't fit him anymore because he kept
getting even more muscular. That old man doesn't want to
grow old like the rest of his peers haiibo.
"I'm in the room next door so whatever you need call me ok?" I
said standing by the door so that I don't make him
uncomfortable. He nods and mummers a little 'thank you'.
Throwing myself on my own bed doesn't seem to be the cure.
I'm just conflicted with the fact that I've always had a brother
but because of his selfish mother that decided it was a great
idea to dump him somewhere instead of bringing him here.
Home where he belongs. Now a poor 4 year old was going to
suffer because of a selfish woman thinking with the place in
which she pee's instead of her actual brain. Woman are
irritating sometimes because you do these things then later cry
rape and abuse when you did this without turning back. I know
she has her reasons why but the fact that she locked the door
when her own child came to her for help says a lot about her
character.
The next morning I woke up pretty early so that I can make
these men breakfast and rush to school. I would love to bond
with my brother and nephew but then this is what I signed up
for by applying for biochemistry. I love the course though so
there's really no need to complain. As I step into the kitchen I
find my father as always sitting on a chair reading a newspaper.
"Sawubona Baba" I kiss his cheek after he responds then start
preparing breakfast. Nothing fancy, i don't have time for fancy
and if i could I would by them something from Wimpy but my
father would blow a fuse. Why do Zulu men hate fast food?
Iyoo he should just get married shame. When I'm done I go to
the room which my brother and his son slept in and as I'm
approaching, I meet Nkanyiso looking around the house.
"Hello boy boy" I say as sweet as I could. He looks at me and
squints, he really needs glasses shame. "My name is Buhle I'm
your aunt unjani? (How are you)" I say that all in a speedy way.
"Ndiyaphila Auntie (I am well)" I smile after hearing that. I take
his hand and show him to the kitchen after hearing his father in
the bathroom. Nkanyiso is wearing a big shirt that used to be
my father's and it looks so weird on him. "Woza kuMkhulu
fanas (Come to grandpa boy boy)" my father says then picks
him up and puts him on his lap as he starts giggling. Not so long
ago my father said he was too young to be a grandfather but
here he is laughing and giggling his first grandson. Hypocrite.
My brother walks in and my father's clothes look so much
better on him but still a little loose.
Were eating while listening to Nkanyiso telling us all about
himself. I decided to eat today just to spend a little time with
these people. Nkanyiso is so easy to love that is just a fact.
"Umama ena angifuni (My mom doesn't want me)" he says in a
hurt tone. Ntsika looks hurt as well. I wonder what the story is
behind that. "Mina ngiyakfuna keh futhi (I want you and) we
are going to get you new clothes nama toy amaningi (a lot of
toys)" I say getting the mood up again. His eyes become as big
as saucers and he has a big smile plastered on his face. He looks
happy and I'm glad I did that. Now my goal in life is to make
these two happy human beings. The problem started when I
had to go to school.
4
Thula mntana ka Auntie.
I left my house with a screaming and crying Nkanyiso. He was
crying so hard that it made my day very sad and stressful. When
I left I had told him that I was going to school and that I'd be
back soon but as soon as I stood up he wrapped his arms
around my legs and started crying. It was heartbreaking but I
needed to come to school nonetheless. I miss his smile already
and I am not backing up from taking him to the mall with me.
Nkanyiso is tiny but very loud, his cries are deeper than what I
think it was and I swear i heard him say: "Ungishiya nje
ngomama (She's leaving me like how my mom left me)" it hurt
me. Whatever that woman did to them hurt them because I
could see that my brother was also on the verge of tears as
well. I left nonetheless and here I am sitting in class not paying
attention to the professor speaking about molecule nton nton.
My body is her but my mind is fighting to go back home and
wrap my arms around Nkanyiso and just assure him that I'm
never going anywhere. He got attached very quickly and easily
so breaking his heart was not an option.
After one and a half hour of pure torturer I finally made it out
of there and requested an uber. The patience of waiting for a
taxi to fill up with people who would be looking at me weird
was just nonexistent. I got home to my brother's loud sobs.
What have that's gone through because it really has scarred
them and I'm afraid it's a scarring for life. I walk to the living
room and my father had his arms around my brother
whispering to him. I don't think he cried enough because right
now, it was like he offloaded everything to the surface. I have
never seen my father cry but today his eyes are red from tears
and there were some dried on his cheeks. I stood there a little
longer feeling my pain resurfacing. All my life I felt that my
mother didn't want me and I was ok with that because as much
as I hated it, my father made sure to compensate.
He was there for all the meetings, all the award ceremonies,
when I was in a ballet competition, the science fairs and all the
crying episodes whenever I felt like my life was meaningless.
The fact that that women denied my brother the right to be
raised by such a man is evil. I wish her nothing but the worst
going forward. I floped myself in my room with my eyes filled
with tears and there laid the little Angel on my bed holding
tightly to my pillow. His face was stained with dried up tears
and my heart was pounding with hurt. I hate feeling like this
and the fact that my brother has felt like this all his life without
someone comforting him is even crappier. I wrap my arms
around Nkanyiso's little body and closed my eyes hoping that
when I wake up, everything would be better.
Things get better with time. I believe in that connotation and
everything else that comes with it. My heart is at peace
because everything is way better back home. My brother went
back to school after we discovered how smart he is. Everything
happens for a reason hey. Little Nkanyiso is now in preschool
and he looks so adorable in his glasses. Baba takes him to
school every morning while I go to school with my brother. So
things are good.
Today I had to go home alone because my brother had some
errands to run for my father that I am not meant to know
about. So here I am waiting for the taxi to get full and it's taking
a long time. If only drivers weren't money crazy we would be
such a better country. I look to my left and there lies a man. A
man not a boy but a man. Dark, tall and overall just handsome.
He is wearing jeans with a simple black shirt and some sneakers
and he has a nice fade cut. He looks great and clean. The
importance of taxi drivers looking clean is very important guys
very important. As I am staring he turns his head and locks
eyes with me. So now I am a creepy girl in a taxi rank staring at
a beautiful man? Haiibo I would disown myself if it was
possible.
As my mind keeps bouncing around he walks closer and I hear
him talk to a man that was meant to drive us home. He is right
next to me only outside the window. He looks into my eyes just
as he speaks to his friend. If this is wrong haii I don't want to be
right. His black eyes speak volumes to my heart. I have never
been so mesmerized like this in my life. He walks to the drivers
side just in front of me and starts the car. Mind you the taxi
isn't full yet so this man is ready to drive off with 8 people in
the car. He starts the car after greeting us with his smooth yet
rough voice haiibo weh Ma. This man is too much. His voice
vibrates more than my father's does. "Sawubona" he said
looking straight at me. God did I just die.
5
The fact that he spoke to me while I was at the verge of fainting
in a taxi filled with people I don't even know sends me blushing
like crazy. "Hi" I greet back then look out the window after that.
It bothers me that I am acting like a love struck teenager while I
am a grown ass woman with very stable hormones. As I glance
back at him I find his eyes looking straight at me with a smirk on
his face. His eyebrows thick and seized together while his
mouth is carved into a sweet and dreamy looking smile.
Where was he born? How did his parents think about such
a beautiful specimen? Can i get bra God's digits because wow. I
have never seen such a man. He's intimidating yet absolutely
beautiful all in the same time. He keeps stealing glances at me
and I'm letting him because I am taken by him. I'm still stuck on
my chair when I finally realise that I'm left all alone. "Shit" I
mummer. "Such a dirty word from such a gorgeous woman" he
says loud enough for me to hear.
"Sorry?" I ask. "Nothing, uyehla kuphi sisi omuhle?" I am dead
sure my cheeks are most definitely blue haiibo why am i a
blushing mess. I don't even know the guy but already I'm
picturing being with him for the rest of our lives and how our
children will inherit his thick, bushy eyebrows and his beautiful
dark chocolate skin that looks so smooth. I'm wearing my
glasses so don't diss me. "Before the bridge" I reply, he nods
softly and turns his eyes to the road.
Let's just say when I get home I was all over the place. I couldn't
stop thinking about that particular gentlemen who I don't really
know. "Buhle!" I jump. Shit I'm guessing he's been calling me
for a while. Forgive me father for daydreaming about a
lightning God that drives a taxi and also manages to drive me
insane. "Baba?" I say showing him that he now has my
attention. Nkanyiso is playing on the floor and my brother is
just sitting in fron of me with a smug on his face.
These past few weeks my brother and I have been in this
unbreakable relationship and it's been amazing as it has
annoying. He annoys the shit out of me but he's also a great big
brother sweet and all buy very strict when it's time to be.
"What are you even thinking about Hle?" My brother asks while
my father squints his eyes they want trouble, i see. "School
things just yeah" I reply sticking my eyes in my own food that
has gone cold already yoh mind nawe. "That's all?" My stupid
brother asks again. Kanti what does this male counterpart want
from me? "Yes that's all" I say giving him the stink eyes.
Can you believe that I spent the next couple of days looking for
a man I barely knew at the taxi rank? Hee. I have been busy
these past few days. I have been looking for someone that
probably was made out of my own imagination I mean that
could explain why he was that beautiful. I shake my head out of
my own dirty thoughts as I get into a taxi home. I am at the
verge of giving up until he gets into the taxi and this time I am
the only one inside. He starts the car and my heart starts
beating in a very fast pace. For all I know he could be a serial
killer. He clears his throat before speaking this time his voice is
even deeper and he is wearing a cap which sort of hides his
beautiful scary eyes.
"Before the bridge?" He asks as his voice just sends
goosebumps all over my skin. I have kissed a lot of people that I
though were handsome I mean Sfiso is also a very handsome
boy but he is no where near this man driving this taxi. "Yebo" I
say quietly before he turns left on a certain street and then
speaks again. "Bengisacela uze la phambili. (Please come on
the passenger side)" he asks which sounds weird but also very
cute. I sigh before walking inside a moving taxi hoping to God
that I don't fall and embarrass myself further. I jump on the
passenger seat and then watch as he stops the car in the
middle of the road. Are we stuck because then God would have
answered my prayers faster than I would've thought he would.
"I heard that you have been looking for me" he says with his
eyes stuck on mine. How did he get even more handsome that
he already was or is it because I'm now closer to where he is?
Damn these blind eyes of mine. "Mina no." I reply to a
statement that was never a question to begin with as I feel like
the taxi is suddenly getting smaller and lacks oxygen. "Really?"
He asks with a condencending tone mocking my very existence
and the fact that I am undressing him with my eyes. "Uhm..." I
breath out the word as he gets closer to me. His face mere
inches away from where I'm sitting. He smells amazing, that's
the first thing that pops in my mind. "You're a horrible liar
MaKhumalo" wehhh did i not just melt guys. I am melting from
the inside out.
4
I force my eyes to look else where but he decides to bring my
face back to his using his long Satan fingers. He turns his head
towards my neck then sniffs, this is considered weird but
because he's a handsome specimen I'm like ok this is actually
cool. "You smell amazing" he says. I know I scrubbed myself
thoroughly last night hoping to see you even if I was at the brim
of giving up and turning to the Shembe way of living.
"Err...what's your name?" I thought that this is the best time I
mean he is sniffing my neck and I am at his mercy in a road
without a single sign of a car approaching. "Philasande Mabaso"
he says. He's name sounds so earthly and made just for him.
"How did you know my name?" I ask yoh Hlehle so many
questions. He has not even taken you on a date as yet and
already you want to know how many cows he's going to lobola
you with.
1
"You're the only daughter to uKhumalo omkhulu. Everybody
know you lapha e rank and everyone knows not to mess with
you futhi" he says nonchalantly so. Why would everyone know
not to mess with me? And how do they even know my father
because that man still lives under a rock somewhere with Shaka
Zulu. "How do you know my father?" I finally get the strength
to ask. His eyes tell me that I probably don't know. But what
don't I know? I raise my eyebrow only to have him smiling like
an idiot who needs mental evaluation. "I just do nkosazane."
This man and nonchalance go hand in hand. I just nod my head
then look out the window since he stopped sniffing me and is
now staring at something through the windscreen. "Awusho
keh uthi uzongi shada nini phela? (Tell me here, when exactly
are you planning on marrying me?)" Haiibo!
6
Love, does it exist? Is it even for the likes of me? Wehhh uBaba
uzongi bulala bo!!! (My father is going to murderate me)
Philasande Mabaso. Hmm I am amazed, I am in awe at such a
man and the past few days have been a bliss. He has been an
understanding and peaceful man and without a doubt husband
material. He is your typical Zulu man but with style instead of
those shoes that they wear. Well in other news my father and
brother have been acting weird like very weird. They're having
private conversation and I'm always expected to leave the
room with Nkanyiso before they start their whispers.
I've last seen my brother three weeks ago. Mind you the dude
has a child and yet this child naye doesn't even ask about his
father. When I asked my father he basically told me to buzz off.
Why am i even considering dating a Zulu man vele? I think
those white vanilla men are an option manje. My father is
ratchet guys, is that even something you say about a man never
mind your own father?
I recieve a call from my potential Zulu man and yes we now
speak via phonecalls and WhatsApp. It's hilarious because this
man can write a whole paragraph in Zulu and act like nothing
ever happened. "Phila" I answer the call causing him to heave a
huge sigh. He said he's been working since yesterday so I'm
guessing that's why he sounds so tired. "Uzongibiza nini nge
zithakazelo zakwa Mabaso? (When are you going to call me
using my clan name?)" He asks as soon as i answer, you see
why I want to date a white dude?
"Hayiibo ngiyak bingelela phela wehh Bhuti (I
am greeting you here)" I say in joking manner. He wants me to
refer to him by his clan name so much it's almost funny.
"Ngiyaxolisa MaKhumalo kodwa nawe uyangi hurder phela (I'm
sorry but you're also hurding me)" did he just? Here I am
laughing my lungs out while Nkanyiso watches me like I need to
be send to a mental institution. This Zulu man didn't just used
slang in the same sentence as the Zulu he used. "Hayiibo
Philasande bakhithi" I say as the after effect of laughing wash
off.
"Yini(what) that's what these kids say nowadays nje" he says
and why does he sound so serious after saying such a thing?
We add ourselves where we're not needed mara yaz. "Unjani
kodwa sphalaphala so muntu? (How are you though beautiful
person?) He asks and I swear I can hear him smiling. I'm doing a
whole lot of ubuthakathi these days with this man I swear.
"Ngiyaphila wena unjani? (I'm good how are you?) I answer
matching his cellphone smile. "I am well. I just wish I could see
your beautiful light skinned face" he says right after. "Did you
really have to add the fact that I'm light?" I ask. Did he though
this is one thing that I despise about myself that's why I hate
being called yellow bone because I'm not yellow I'm actually
close to being white and speaking Afrikaans.
"Ngiyaxolisa MaKhumalo but that was meant to be a
compliment not that I'm trying to make fun of you." He says
calmly. I have never met such a calm individual before. I'm
afraid of his actions when and if i make him angry. He is that
kind of person that would literally kill me if I do something like
that but hey we're not a couple so there's nothing to fear. "I'm
sorry it's just that I hate how I look Phila and I don't like it when
people... you know..." I say playing with my food already which
Nkanyiso is just eating like this is his plate.
"You're beautiful Buhle regardless of your skin tone. You're a
very beautiful woman have you looked into the mirror lately.
Any man would be more than greatful to have you by their side.
Always remember that ok? And if you dare think low of yourself
ever again I am going to make you regret it ok?" Did he just
threaten me? And I'm still on the phone? I've gone soft people I
have gone soft. "Yeah now sleep before you faint of
exhaustion" I reply after cursing myself for being so soft with
this Zulu man when I know I would've blown a fuse had it been
someone else.
"Ok goodnight muntu omuhle." I hear him yawn after he says
this. "Its still afternoon for a goodnight Phila" I say just wishing
we could talk longer but I know that it would be very selfish of
me. "I know. I'll call you before you go to bed ok. I...take care of
yourself Makhumalo" he says before I bid him farewell and he
drops the call. I wish I could see him asleep. That's creepy I
know but I just want to know whether he snores or not. Does
he sleep with his mouth slightly ajar? Stop you pervet. Eish you
don't understand.
I went downstairs with the determination of filling my empty
stomach. I can eat mina vele. When I get to the kitchen I hear a
few whispers from the living room so I follow them only finding
the two mission impossible technicians. My father and brother
are busy whispering like their planning to rob the president
haa. I lean on the wall just trying to listen to what their saying
when my face suddenly collides with the floor with the biggest
bump in the history of bumps. The looks that I recieve guys!
"Hlehle what are you doing?" My father asks and I must say,
this man already looks angry so maybe I should just start the
crocodile tears so that I can get away.
Here goes nothing. Lights Camera Action and the tears start
rolling down my plump cheeks. I am sniffing and I can tell my
brother is not buying my little stunt but I don't have a choice.
"I...bengifuna amanzi (I just wanted a glass of water) when I
saw a shadow lapha so I thought one of you was here but I... I
tripped and fell baba and I think I just dislocated my knee" hayii
guys i think i should be casted at The Wife as Qhawe's second
wife since he's the only hot on of the brothers. I killed this role
guys, acting is calling my name right next to my biochemistry
degree. My father looks at me with pity as he helps me up
while I pretend to be hurt when in actual fact my face feels like
I was given a varaam klap by the God of lightning.
2
He sits me on the couch checking me for any injuries. I know
my father is not to be messed with but sometimes you need to
do what you need to do. My brother is standing there with his
arms crossed looking at me like I just burnt Zuma's mansion.
That would be a good thing though right? His arms, why have
my brothers arms gone from small and skinny to big and
muscular? Haiibo. When did he even come back because he's
been gone for a while? This is just insane mara it's fine. My
father lays me on his chest as he rubs my back a little because
these fake tears have turned into real once as the pain on my
cheek keeps increasing.
My phone rings as I'm sitting next to my father and guess who's
calling? A number saved as 'My Zulu Man' calls and my father
being the loving and caring old man he is looks at it before
giving me the look. I don't understand because he knows that I
am dating akere he wanted to go all Jackie Chan on Sfiso when I
slapped him? So now why is he giving me the look? I take the
phone slowly as my beautiful dried up tears just remind me
never to mess with mother nature. Now I need them and yet
they are busy singing Khumbula'ekhaya with my mind. I
swallow the last spit in my mouth before answering immideatly
hearing his sweet beautiful voice that has turned into
something that could possible send me to the bundu side of
Kzn.
"Ngiyakthanda MaKhumalo wam I just wanted to tell you that"
ncoo he decides to tell me this now? If I could act faint I could
but eish even the acting skills have left me. I did say, my father
is going to murderate me...
7
"UBaba ungizwisa kabuhlungu (My father is hurting me)"
The deadly look that I am receiving from both these men is
freaking me out. My father's eyes are dead sent towards mine
and I must say I have seen a lot of facial expressions on his face
but this one, i don't know whether he's angry, disappointed or
just pissed. "Was that Philasande Mabaso?" My brother asks
with a tone filled with irritation and disgust? Why would he be
disgusted? "Yes" my father says and the lace of pain in his voice
just shocks me to the core and also sends me into a Minnie
panic attack. "Ujola na lomfana wena manje?(Are you dating
this boy?) Weren't you just dating a boy not so long ago and
already you're moving to another one?" My father asks. My
neck suddenly feels weak like it can't keep up the charade of
holding my head in place. "I'm not dating uPhila Baba. We're
just friends." I reply truthfully. "You can choose to be friends
with anyone else but you chose him, a Mabaso Hle?" Kanti
what is wrong with uPhila ka ngaka that I am not even suppose
to thandana with him?
My brother asked that question still laced with disgust. Haiibo if
the boy is a beautiful specimen, what am I to do? "Stop
whatever is going on with you and Philasande Mabaso
Buhlebethongo before I do something you'll regret." My father
says standing up and walking away. Something I'll regret? What
does that even mean? I look at my brother with questioning
eyes before he shakes his head and says "If you don't want to
lose your family then stay the hell away from a Mabaso Buhle.
Please baby sis" he says before kissing my forehead and walking
in the same direction that my father went to. The next morning
I woke up to a very silent house. I am used to this from my
father especially if we had a misunderstanding but not from my
brother. I get up, make my bed then proceed to the kitchen
after getting ready for the day. I find my father on the table as
usual reading from the paper. "S-Sawubona Baba" I said hoping
that what ever it was that happened yesterday stays there but
nothing, literally no response. This man just blueticked me.
Sigh. This is going to be a long day. I prepare some breakfast
then hand him a plate before walking to my room and
collecting what I would need for school. As soon as i approach
the door he speaks "uyaphi?" He asks with a voice laced in
commandment, oh now you want to talk huh? "Eskolweni
Baba" I reply standing mere inches from the door. "You're not
going" he says right after. Wait what? What does he mean?
"Baba I have classes to attend today, i have to go to school" I
say feeling like he's acting like a teenager when in actual fact I
want to punch him on the face. I made sure my tone was more
respectful than I would've liked it to be.
"And like I said Buhlebethongo, you're not going." He says then
walks towards the bedrooms. "Baba I'm not dating uPhila I
swear please don't punish me like this" I said behind him only
to have him walk inside his bedroom then close the door
behind himself. Why am i related to such a stubborn man? I
walk to the kitchen and huff before sitting on the chair. This is
his crazy way to punish me it always has been. I guess he's
trying to protect me but from what? What is it that my father
knows about Phila that they are not telling me about?
The rest of the day was just that... I hate fighting with my father
but if it's a fight he wants, it's a fight he's going to get. When
my brother and little Nkanyiso came back the whole house was
just quiet no sound whatsoever. "Err... what's going on ain't
you suppose to still be at school wena?" My brother asks while
Nkanyiso climbs on my lap and lays his heavy head on my chest
before yawning. "Your father denied me to go to school,
because of a boy" I say nonchalantly. "A boy you should've
stayed away from" my father said standing right in front of me.
I don't know why I have this throbbing feeling in my heart but I
am and if he continues speaking I am going to be deemed
disrespectful. "Well maybe I wouldn't have been his friend if i
was told why I am not suppose to even stand an inch from him"
I say standing up with Nkanyiso in my arms before walking my
bedroom's direction. "Buhle woza lana wena" I am in deep shit
when he starts saying 'wena'. I sigh then turn around and walk
back. "I want to put Nkanyiso to bed Baba" I say lowly.
" look at me, if you even think about going or meeting that
thing yakwa Mabaso I will forget that you're my daughter and
do something that I never thought I'd ever do to you. Ufuna
ukfana no nyoko (Do you want to be like your mother) fine go
ahead I'll give you her adress" I feel tears swell up my face as he
mentions my prodigal mother. He knows how much that hurts
but I guess today he really prepared himself for a fight. "I will
not have a daughter fight with me for a boy mina ungazongi
jwayela mina Buhle don't you dare" he walks away after taking
his car keys before banging the door shut.
When my father wants to break you down, trust that he'll use
his words to stab your heart first before anything. When the
one man you love and trust more than anyone in the world
hurts you who do you run too? I feel like he took my heart and
ran over it using his car. It's not what he said persay that hurts
but it's how he said it. He said it like he didn't care, he said it
like I was an immovable object, he said it without a care in the
world and it hurts to know that he feels that way about the
situation with my mother. Does he hate her that much that I
get punished for it? I wonder if she thinks about me where ever
she is...
8
Meeting you has been both a blessing and a curse all in a short
period of time._
If you had told me a while ago that my father and I would not
be talking to one another because of a man I hardly even know,
i would've laughed in your face. Honestly I have been with the
man for all of my life and never has he ever been this cold
towards me even when I thought I honestly really fucked up but
now, it's just a mess.
Well at least I am now allowed to go to school so that's great
but again, what exactly am I going to do coming back here and
just living under this tense situation? I feel like he's selfish for
what he said. I never knew my mom, I only know that she
abandoned my father with a 3 month baby and that's it. She
basically abandoned a child that cannot even recall how she
looks like, how soft or gruff her voice is and how lovely her skin
and hugs are.
I don't know her and nothing hurts more than the realization
that I'll never have a chance to know her because I don't even
know if she's still alive or not. Walking back from school to the
taxi rank I pray a little that I don't see the handsome man that
has caused a rift between my father and I but I guess my
prayers bump from the ceiling. He walks towards me with a
stoic face filled with hurt. If only he knew how I feel in this very
moment.
"Sawubona" he's voice sounds strained and his eyes are just in
pain looking bloodshot red with veins popping on his forehead.
How do you fight with your family about a man that probably
isn't even attracted to you? He frowns. "Why have you been
avoiding me nkosazane?" He asks with a voice filled with pain
and hurt. It is so uncommon that a man that hardly even knows
me is affected by my presence. "I've been busy" I'm tired of
crying, I'm tired of feeling and if this man has brought trouble
into my life then I'm tired of his beautiful face that is filled with
veins.
"That's all you're going to say?" His tone is condencendingly
pissed at me right now and I know that if I say anything else I'll
probably hate him like i sort of want to hate my father right
now. "I'm sorry Phila but I can no longer see nor speak to you
anymore" his face is now filled with confusion and worry and
questions swell inside his brain just pleading to be answered.
"Why?" The question brings to me a sort of loss. A loss of the
relationship I once had with my father no matter how weird it
was. A loss that has forced me to disregard the fact that
regardless of the fact that I no longer want to be anywhere
around Philasande Mabaso, he still invades my thoughts and
there's nothing I can do to change it. "I don't know." My voice
cracks as my eyes remind me of the many crying sessions that I
have plans on having once I reach my room. "What happened?
Please talk to me" I look at him just waiting for the monstor
that seems to anger my father and piss my brother off come to
the surface but nothing.
"My father..." that's all I say before realisation crosses his
beautiful masterpiece personally drawn and crafted like it took
them days. "I'm sorry. I should've known he wouldn't agree
with out union." He says his voice growing inches lower as for
his face, he is just a man that keeps revealing emotions on me.
"Why? Why doesn't he want it?" This is a long and hard
question that only deserves a short and simple answer but it
doesn't seem like it's going to caress my ears anytime soon.
"I don't know what to say. They probably think I'm way to
dangerous to be with you." He is now back to his nonchalant
ways and his face back to being stoic and emotionless yet
again. "Why would you be dangerous? Why am i in the cross
fire with all of you?" My tears make an entrance acting like they
own my eyes. His face softens yet again with worry filled in his
eyes. "Let me take you home. I'll talk to your father about this"
he takes his hands and covers my back. As he pulls me towards
him I can already feel a sob prepare itself to keep me from
speaking tomorrow. I lay my head on his chest just hoping that
when I wake up, it'll all be a dream.
No parent should hurt their child and mine has hurt me in ways
no one ever has. We've never mentioned my mother before so
why is he doing this now in a fit of rage? I look out the window
as I am sitting in the passenger seat of his nice and expensive
looking car. How can a taxi driver afford such a car and not to
mention his branded clothes and the watch that caresses his
wrist? "Did you eat?" I lay my head on the window as this
question goes straight to my stomach instead of where it is
meant to go.
"No" my dry mouth as well as empty stomach have been
punished for a crime they did not commit. Stealing a glance at
him I realize that the man is just a man filled with emotions
whether or not he likes it. The thought of pecking my lips on his
delicate clear looking skin crosses my mind before I shake it off
reminding myself of the difficulties that I'm already facing back
at home. It's even affecting Nkanyiso that's what sucks the
most.
"What would you like to eat?" He is trying to take my mind out
of the situation that I am currently facing but I just cannot allow
myself to start any sort of conversation with anyone.
"Angilambile Phila _(I am not hungry)_" his name comes out as
a whisper as it kisses my lips leaving me in ruins. "Steers it is
then" Zulu men don't understand when a woman says
something even when they asked. The energy to look at him at
this very moment is bigger than I can take so no thanks.
My lunch is appetizing and stuck on my nose is it's aroma. You
should never fight with food when you're angry with something
because trust me you'll feel more lonely. "So you were ready to
starve yourself?" His words are disturbing my moment with this
meal and if he doesn't stop talking I'm going to stuff his face
with this burger. "I really didn't have an appetite." He nods his
head then just watches me as I eat.
There's something about Phila that I just can't wrap my finger
around. Maybe it has something to do with his mysterious eyes
or the fact that he is absolutely handsome. When I'm done
eating I throw away my stuff then sit opposite him yet again. If I
could personally hear God's voice I would ask him why I have
such an attraction towards this man and then I'd ask what my
father's problem is with this beautiful specimen.
"Ngixhele ka banzi ngawe nkosazane _(tell me a bit about
yourself)_" what does he want to know because I'm literally an
open book. There is absolutely nothing interesting about me.
Here goes nothing. "I'm Buhlebethongo Khumalo, doing
biochemistry at the university of Kzn and uhm... I don't know
what else you would like to hear from me" he nods his head as
his eyes pierce through mine. "What do you like to do?" His
question has been studied by my brain already so the answer is
simple. "Spend time with my nephew and reading I guess.
There is this specific book that I adore more than anything
ever"
As he smiles and reveals his pearly white teeth I almost want to
kiss him and just run my toungue all over those teeth. "Ok what
else?" Now this one is not really rehearsed so I'll try my best.
"Uhm I like to cook even if I sometimes feel like I'm forced to do
it" what happened to the sad me and is his questions really
making me feel better about myself? "When are you going to
be ready to get married?" ok guys now this one i am just not
ready for. Looking into his eyes I can tell that he is serious but
what am I going to say?
"Phila, maybe we should go now" this man is anything but cute
and cuddly he could apply for the war in Ukraine and I'm sure
he'd win it one man. His eyes are just so piercing, they make
you feel like you keep committing a sin everytime you breathe.
He is like the messenger from the bible that just sends you into
a premature heart attack. "Bengisacela ungibuke (please look at
me)" I understand why because I have been avoiding his eyes
since he asked me that question.
Looking at him, i never expected what he does next. His face
inches closer and closer towards mine, a second ago we were
just gazing into each others souls and now here we are kissing
at a public place called Steers. God forgive me for enjoying this
feeling that just freezes my entire bones and makes them into
jelly. His lips are so soft and he smells incredible. If I could, i
would stay in this moment forever just kissing him for a
lifetime. When we pull away from each other to catch a breath
he looks into my eyes confirming something that is traced onto
his own.
"I told you that I loved you and I'm tired of waiting. This is
happening, with or without or family's approval." His command
sounds so magical since I'm still stuck in the trance caused by
his lips on mine. But what does he mean when he says our
families? That means the Mabaso's also don't want anything to
do with me but why? "It's not our fight sweetheart, we have
nothing to do with it." I just said that out loud didn't I? Oh crap.
"Please tell me what is going on?" He sighs then stands up
reaching his arm out to me. "Asambe before it gets late" so is
my question going to be answered or what?
When we get to his car he opens the passenger door for me
then walks to his side. "It's a war that has been going on for
years. Nathi asazi ukhuthi why it's happening in the first place.
All we know is oMabaso are to stay in their territory and the
Khumalo's in theirs. So me being here right next to you is a
huge thing." He is seating right next to me driving with one arm
while his other one is grabbing my thigh. Territorial much.
"Why are we implicated in all of this?" This is just odd. They're
acting like we started the war between Russia and Ukraine
hayii. " You are a Khumalo and I am a Mabaso do the math
baby" ok that was rude but ok. I look out the window when
suddenly the car jerks into a stop. I am trying to figure out what
is going on when I see a man that looks quite similar to Phila
stand by his window looking pissed. Phila I must add looks like
he is about to blow up. His veins are all over his face and seeing
him like this creeps me the fuck out.
"What the fuck Phefumula?" Phila is filled with rage, even his
voice has gone a few octaves lower than normal. He is speaking
to the man that looks a lot like him even though he is a little
darker and looks a bit older they still resemble one another.
"Get out!" The man I have caught the name of being Phefumula
says as he looks straight into Phila's eyes. Phila sighs before
stepping out of the car and staring at the man. I can hear
everything and to say that I'm offended by the things that I
hear would be an insult to my creator.
Wow remind me to stay clear of pure Zulu men from
emakhaya!!!
Nine
****NOT EDITED****
Love has no time frame... Ngidakwe uThando mina. (I'm drunk
in loveee)
In one day I already have information that can make or break
this so called relationship I have with Phila. I have already
fought with my father and his brother so you can imagine the
Rambo-ness that I'm dishing out to everyone. Mr Phefumula is
very rude might I add so I answered him the way he was meant
to be answered plus I loved the fact that I kept making my
future boyfriend slash husband smile when I did.
When I get home i want nothing more than to throw myself on
my bed and sleep till forever comes but I guess I wished that
out loud. I find my father and brother pacing around in the
lounge. Hayiibo these two and loving drama. "Sanibonani
(Greetings)" usually when I enter a room that has my father in
it I don't really greet because what's the use? They both jump
up like thunder was inserted under their feet. Were they
preparing for my funeral?
"Hey baby girl, where are you coming from?" My brother and
his questions fit for a five year old, haiibo I'm 21 I can go and
come back anyhow I want. I'm not a loose teenager mina. I
shrug before replying to the question "I got caught up in the
library" you know that sound that really sounds annoying
because then why don't you just say what you want to say?
These days my father has become my nemesis shame futhi I'm
not even going to rave about why.
"Ok manje (now) does your phone no longer work?" My
brother and he's questions haii ke. A phone at a library kanti
what would you be doing at the library if you are intending to
go Dj on your phone using one of those apps? "It was on silent
Bhuti thus the library" yaz I'm tired I mean I had a long day, I
think that I am someone's girlfriend plus nje I think I already
have in-laws from hell. Yoh haii we live movie kind of lives
shame. Never.
"Please excuse me I have a paper to prepare for" I've been here
close to an hour and all I got was a sound from my father that
indicated that he didn't believe a word I uttered. So what's the
use of staying here when it's clear that neither of us are going
to apologize. I was mainly going to apologize for peace sake not
because I was wrong because then chances of me entering
heaven would be close to non.
My bedroom depresses me sometimes bakhithi (guys) I mean
I've been locking myself in here performing my heart out for
the best tears in 24 hours so you can imagine the strain I have
been under. I wonder where Nkanyiso is and why it is so quiet
in the house besides the two grown men's whispers. Scrolling
through my messages I receive one that is very shocking. It
reads: "I wonder what daddy dearest would think if he knew
that you're shagging the enemy. Nevertheless please make sure
you rid yourself off my man before things get dirty."
Does this girl listen to Sza? That song that says my man is my
man is your man, her that's her man too. So I'm not going to
entertain foolishness. If she has a problem, she should discuss it
with Phila since he asked her out not the other way around. I
have way more things to tend too than a horny main chick
asking for favors. I'm not even Phila's wife yet and already I get
thirsty messages from insignificant people.
This headache keeps showing me flames. I just have this heavy
feeling in my mind that is meant to remind me of something,
on instinct I take a look at the date on my phone 05 September.
Why is this month so familiar and why do I feel like I am
connected to It? Let me take a nap because this headache has
no mercy.
Please tell me why I keep thinking that my life is everything but
this comedy/horror/sci-fi/action thriller? My father's story is
much more detailed than that of Phila as to why the two
family's don't get along much. I'm in awe at the fact that this
man called me here and started telling me a story of two very
loving bestfriends that adored one another and had a
friendship guarded by trust and loyalty only to end in betrayal
and heartache.
The truth shall set you free. That's why I feel like this story has a
lot of holes and missing pieces to it. Why would I want to
betray a friend that knows and has guarded a secret that could
ultimately turn my reputation and that of the generation after
me into a joke and an abomination? And why is there only one
side of the story? Why hate a person you've been friends with
for so long, so much so that you instil that hate into your own
flesh and blood? A woman set the friendship apart including
their miscommunication and disloyalty to one another but that
shouldn't have separated the two. Now my union or whatever
it is I have going on with Philasande Mabaso is tainted and filled
with sorrow but also, it is a union with no blessings. So it is
bound to evaporate into nothing ness or worse bloodshed to
the war of the last names.
Now comes a discussion that I have been praying to have with
my father and that is my maternal origin. "Who is she Baba,
what's her name? How is she like? Does she sing? Does she
bake amazing cookies? Please tell me" I am begging knowledge
regarding the woman that gave birth to me and I am internally
fasting for a better response than I had the last 21 years of my
life.
"Her name is Ncumolihle Zikode. She, she was an amazing
woman very sweet and kind at heart. She could never hurt
anything ever" his voice sounds strained and yet he's been
speaking with vulgar about the war between the two family's as
if we are fighting for the throne. "You look just like her." I have
never seen my father so emotional. He really loves my mother,
he's eyes tell it all.
"I don't know why she left Buhle and yes she loved to bake but I
honestly don't know why she just left in the middle of the night
like a thief that doesn't want to be seen by anyone" this still
does not answer my questions. I feel like I don't know the
woman that gave birth to me because i still don't. These past
few days have been hard to live by because I honestly don't
know who I am. In African culture, a man decides the origin of a
child mostly a male child so the absence of his love and nurture
causes destabilization to the child.
With a girl child it is almost similar. A girl child needs a father so
that she doesn't develop any abandonment issues or daddy
issues that forces her to see her father in each and every man
she ever comes in contact with. I have a sense of abandonment
but not from my paternal side because he has been my
everything throughout this journey we call life. My father is my
everything but a sense of abandonment always shows it's
ugliness whenever it rains and these days, our household has
been experiencing flood after flood so you can imagine the kind
of hole it has drilled into my heart.
"Baba I need more angimazi mina uMa (I don't know my
mother) and what you're saying really doesn't solve my
problems. Baba wami I'm not saying you are insufficient but I
also need to know where I get certain attributes from please"
my pleads are hopefully reaching where they are meant to
reach. He sighs before he stands up and approaches his
bedroom leaving me in a pool of my own tears. It doesn't help
that I have not heard anything from Phila in the last three days
either.
As I'm about to give up he walks back in with a shoe box in his
hands and a face so stoic it could swallow you whole. He gives
me the box then returns to his original seat. "Those are the
things your mother left behind" I open it immediately getting
hit by an immovable scent that is sweet and just warm. "These
all belong to her?" The thought of having such things in my
possession makes me want to scream and shout how loved I
feel by my father.
"Yes" I look up at him as he distracts himself with the watch
sitting idly around his wrist. Forcing my attention back to the
items in the box I realise that these are all personal items, items
that a person that plans to leave would never leave without. I
run my hands through the scarf and the wedding pictures, i
didn't know my parents got married until now. They look so
happy.
There's a picture of my mom pregnant and one of her in a
hospital bed with a smile that seems to compete with the sun.
She has a baby in her hands, I'm guessing it's me because of the
odd colour of the skin. She even has tears in her eyes. I fail to
understand why a person would fake such emotions. But why
did she leave then? I run my fingers through the picture
particularly on her face. She is really beautiful. "Do you know
where she is?"
I need answers and the only way I can get them is if I know
where she is. "Cape town, that's the last address I have of her
where abouts." He sounds in pain like he is forcing himself to
speak. He gets up yet again then walks out of the house. He
needs his space that's for sure. I get up then go to my room. I
need answers and it seems like she's the only person that can
give them to me. A call comes forth and here lies the cheating
bastard named Phila.
"Muntu omuhle" why is this idiot still giving me goosebumps
when I am meant to be mad at him? "Hi" even my voice is a sell
out. "Unjani?" How am I really? Should I say, i am well and
seeing stars in a normal sunny day or should i start asking him
about the girl that thinks he is her's? "Ngi right I'm just tierd."
Yoh hayii even my lips betray me. I need a new set of body
parts oh and an organ that doesn't skip a beat when Phila
decides to speak.
"Oh kuhle ke. Did you speak to your father?" If he thinks I am
going to express my undying love and devotion to my father
about him then he has lost his marbles. I'd be dead before I
even get the chance of kissing him, on the lips. "Uhm we spoke.
I mean we spoke about the war and my mom and yeah." Way
to keep it cool Buhle now he might as well know that I didn't
risk my life trying to tell my father that I have a boyfriend. "Ok
that's good but I'm guessing his story is one sided like the
garbage I've been told." You'd swear Phila was raised by a pack
of wolves sometimes.
The man barely refers to his family as a family that he loves and
respects, he'd rather fight with them in the middle of a high
way street about a girl he barely even knows. "Phila why do...
never mind. Are you ok?" I want to know why he is so
emotionally closed off even when it comes to his own flesh and
blood. But, that's a question for another day. "I'm ok
standwasami just tired work is just tiring that's all." That sparks
something in me that informs me that I don't really know what
he does for a living.
"And what might this job be about? I mean don't get me wrong
it's just that a taxi driver does not wear clothes that you do and
he most definitely doesn't drive a car like yours." The man
throws a hearty laugh my way and I can almost see him throw
his head back. Like I said before, moments like this when I feel
like I'm forcing a wracking ball on the walls he has built around
himself, give me the greatest joy. "I am here and there. I help
out Erank when they need assistance" his answer fills more
holes to the question but I feel like I shouldn't even want to
know what he does for a living. That could be dangerous
territory.
"I love you muntu omuhle even though I barely even know
what love is but I'm certain that I want to spend the rest of my
life with you. Till forever comes." The statement comes after
some time of silence. He has said this before but today it
sounds different. It sounds like he is claiming what is his once
and for all. All I know is that war is brewing around the
Mabaso's and the Khumalo's and we're in the middle of it. I
hope these words don't get me disowned by my family and
hated by Phila's. "I love you too Phila... I... Till forever comes."
That assurance on its own is a big thing and the fact that my
heart confirms it keeps me alert.
This war we just restarted is about to change my life for the
better or for the worst. I need Phila now more than ever. Lord
helps us all.
10
Ten
Uzenzile akha khalelwa (You have made your bed, now lie in it)
Here I am, wrapped around Phila's strong arms as he keeps
telling me about himself. I am quietly being observant as I
watch how his lips move and the ghost smile that seems to find
itself on his face whenever he speaks about the woman that
raised him. The fact that I told him how I felt about him makes
my skin crawl mostly because I know I would be devastated if
he ever hurt me in anyway. I trust this man in a not so normal
manner. He makes me feel.
His eyes are stuck on the ceiling as his words keep flooding my
eardrums. I remind myself to keep breathing when a sudden
noise catches our attention. Phila is quick to stand up from the
little concoction we made ourselves here in his apartment
dinning area. "Ubani lowo? (Who is that?)" His voice filled with
determination as he asks while pulling me to hide behind him
and shields me from whatever is coming. I have a feeling today
is one of the many tests that I am going to go through in this
love battle we have going on.
There is more shuffling before a gun shot is heard throughout
the whole apartment. Maybe we're being robbed but by the
way Phila is proactively standing in front of me makes me think
otherwise. "Go to the bedroom MaKhumalo and wait for me.
Don't come out unless I call you to yezwa?" His voice is laced
with panic and fear? Why is he scared? What is going on? Am i
going to die? "Kwenzakalani Mbulazi? (What is going on?)" Yes I
finally researched his clan names and this is when I get to use
them? Now, when the situation is like this?
"Standwasami ngiyacela(My love please) just go to the
bedroom, lock the door. I'll be back in a minute or so." My
stubborn self won't allow me to lose the first man that I truely
and honestly love wholeheartedly. So I shake my head denying
his request before his whole demeanour changes from fearful
and panicking to something I can no longer fathom. I swear i
feel as though I am no longer speaking to my Phila.
"MaKhumalo ngithe hamba. Manje. (I said leave. Now.)" I flinch
as the harsh words pierce through my skin one after the other. I
turn around then do as I am told and just as I enter the
bedroom another gunshot is heard. What the hell is going on
out there?
I don't have my phone with me. I don't know how long I've
been here for but lucky enough the gunshots have stopped. I
close my eyes for a brief moment before panic sets in as I hear
the door knob turn vigorously as though someone was trying to
get inside. I pull myself together then get under the bed praying
that whatever it is out there, that the door is protecting me
from it. I hear a loud thud before a male voice screams out and
silence comes back to the place.
My face is stained with tears as I try and figure out why I even
came here to begin with. I would've been safe in the high walls
of the Khumalo home. I may not know what the Mabaso's and
the Khumalo's do for a living but what I am sure of is that
whatever it is, it's not legal. "MaKhumalo" Phila's voice cries
out and in an attempt to make sure that it is him, i peak
through the small opening under the bed and stare deep into
his eyes. He looks as though he is mostly back from whatever
that expression or emotion was back in the dinning area. I've
never had such an experience before and I pray I never do.
He helps me up then checks for any visible injuries before
asking if I have any that he may not see. Dude I am almost
white so if I was bruised you would totally be able to see it. I
shake my head no as he kisses the top of my head then makes
me straddle him before sitting on the bed. This is when I realise
that his once brown shirt is now drenched in blood. I shake as I
close my eyes. It may not be legal but the fact that I am laying
on a murders chest passes through me like a wave of electricity.
"I'm sorry Standwasami. This was not suppose to happen. My
past needs to stay in the past. But I promise you MaKhumalo
wam, i will kill for you over and over again till we reach our
happily married life." His grip around my waist suddently
becomes tighter as if his mind has wondered off and sought off
to see something beside me. I feel like he's determined to crash
my rib cage. "Phila... ah Phila uyanglimaza (you're hurting
me) let go"
At this very moment I feel like we are back to the stoic faced,
intimidating man that I don't even know. "Phila" why are my
whispers going unheard? What is happening in Phila's mind in
this very moment? Please let him stop, this really hurts. "Phila
uyangi.. uyanglimaza (you're hurting me) stop please." My face
has been restrained in tears and fear. Phila isn't even looking at
me he keeps tightening his arms over and over again. At least
let him hear my cries.
The door busts open as his rude brother walks in and pulls Phila
away from me. I think his name was Phefumula. "Bafo... fuck
kwenzenjani MaKhumalo? (What happened?)" His eyes bore
through me as if I am the one that did all of this. I shake my
head as my voice comes out in little pants of fear. I've never
seen nor been in such a situation and it seems like I'm going to
be in a lot more being Phila's girlfriend.
"I...Ang...angazi (I don't know) Bhuti he just..." I am shaking all I
want to do is just go home, cry in my father's arms let him
comfort me just for a few hours before my heart betrays me
and seeks to go back to the very same man.
"Ok ok... Please uhm... go to the other bedroom. I'll be there in
a few minutes." I nod my head then run towards it. I've never
been a praying warrior but I come upon the Lord our God to
save that man. Look at me wanting to save his life after he
almost squeezed me to death. I close my eyes as my arms
instinctively wrap around my body.
I want to go home.
11
Eleven
Bengayazi ukhuthi nase mjolweni kuyabekezelwa. (I had no idea
that dating comes with the well known African phase 'you hold
on'.)
"Standwasami." Phila's voice echoes throughout this entire
bedroom. I am not in the mood most definitely after what has
already happened. My ribs feel like I've been kicked over and
over again. "MaKhumalo" his voice is calmer, more sincere as if
today never even happened. I have cried my lungs out, begged
his brother to take me home. All he said was to wait for Phila to
wake up so that he can explain.
The last thing I need right now is to be in an abusive
relationship regardless of feeling like the man that did this to
me isn't the same man but I guess that's what most woman
want to believe too. He comes close to me as I feel the bed dip
and his hand caress my arm. He asked me if I had bruises only
to bruise me in ways I never knew I could. My stomach is blue
and purple, bruised by the man I seem to be madly in love with.
My eyes feel heavy, my voice is raspy and my mind is just tired I
want today to be over and done with. Only one question runs
through my mind..."If your brother hadn't arrived, would you
have let me go?" It's an easy question that needs an answer. I
need to understand why it happened to begin with. Why am I a
victim of his unfavouring anger? "No standwasami please just...
ngiyaxolisa (I'm sorry). Ngenze iphutha (I made a
mistake). Please forgive me." I shake my head. I have not yet
found the strength to open my eyes and look at him because
deep down I know that I'll only be made a fool by my own
heart.
"What am I forgiving exactly Philasande? What do I forgive? Am
i forgiving the fact that you hurt me? Or am I forgiving the fact
that I am in a relationship with a man I barely even know?" My
throat is itching from all the sobbing that I have done. Since I've
known Phila, all I seem to be doing is just crying like I don't have
a home. I've been crying like I've never cried before. It says a lot
about this relationship but my heart is just falling deeper and
deeper with no end to it. "Cha (no) you do know me
MaKhumalo. I am the man you love, the man that is right next
to you pleading with you to forgive him. I didn't mean to hurt
you. Please..."
I feel like this conversation is just going to drag. "Please take me
home, i have school tomorrow morning." I stand up then walk
towards the window. There is pain around my abdomen and I
fear what might be so I'll just ignore it until my class ends
tomorrow. "Ngicela siyi khulume lento MaKhumalo ngiyacela
(Can we please talk this through). Let's not just leave it the way
it is." I shake my head as I take a step closer to the window
admiring the view. My side's feel like they are being ripped
apart. This man is stronger than I thought he was.
"There's nothing to say. You hurt me Phila, I asked you to stop
over and over again but you never did. If your brother hadn't
arrived would you have let me go?" A fresh cup of tears flood
my eyes as I wipe them away and the tug that comes with
raising my hand to my face makes me flinch in pain as I let out a
sound to show my pain and discomfort. He jumps towards me
to try and comfort me but I move away. I appreciate the
gesture but I can't keep letting him touch me.
"Please take me home Phila. Ngicela ukhamba ngiye
ekhaya. (May I please just go home.)" I notice his jaw tighten
before he nods and walks towards the bedroom door. The ride
home is silent filled with unspoken words and unshared
feelings. I have no idea what is going through his head at this
moment but I know that I feel like a train just went through me.
'Just hold on Buhle, just until he gets you home'- my
subconscious says as if it has already picked sides.
When we get to the gate he stops the car then turns to look at
me. His eyes are bloodshot red, filled with nothing but fear.
"Ngiyakthanda MaKhumalo, ngiyaxolisa.(I love you, I'm sorry.)" I
palm his beautiful face. "Nami ngiyakthanda Mbulazi kodwa
ngidinga isikhathi (I love you too but I just need time) just to...
to try and understand what just happened. I..." words cannot
seem to come up right. I'm not dumping him no, never. I don't
think I'll live after that. I kiss his cheek then open the door
heading out.
"Siya hlukana? (Are we breaking up?)" His question is one that I
was expecting but not like this. "Cha (no) , i just need space."
He nods then looks ahead, i want to stay Lord knows I want to
stay but I cannot until he at least tells me what just happened.
I'm scared, I'm really scared. I close the door right after then
walk towards the gate. It hurts physically and emotionally but I
can not be comforted by the same person that hurt me.
"Yini inkinga yakho Buhlebethongo? (What's
your problem?) Eh? What is it really tell me ngoba (because) it's
obvious that there is something wrong so what is it?" I am
welcomed by my father's angry voice as I walk in. His face tells
me that he is without a doubt angry with me. "Baba
angizwisisi (I don't understand Baba) uhm..." this is the only
answer I can give him. "I thought this whole misbehaving thing
and not listening to me was just about you wanting to know
who your mother is so now tell me yini inkinga yakho? (What is
your problem?) Why do you constantly disobey me by seeing
leya mbuzi ebizwa (that goat called) uPhilasande Mabaso?"
Oh so this is what it is about. There is absolutely nothing I can
say to defend myself. All I can do is just sit down and bow my
head because I'm in pain. Wait did he just call Phila a goat?
"Ufunani la kimi Buhle (What do you want from me) hee? What
do you want?" I shake my head then look at him, all I see is hurt
in my father's eyes. I don't understand the hate he has for him
because honestly why would he hate that I'm happy? "There's
nothing Baba. I... I don't want anything from you." Can he let
me go so that I can drown myself with painkillers.
"Then what is it? You can have so many other men out there
but you decide to choose umuntu wakwa Mabaso why him,
please just tell me so that I can get it." Is this really a
conversation I need to be having with my father? He sits right
next to me then caresses my hand. I feel like crying more than I
already have today. "I love him Baba. I can't turn it off even
though I really really want to." He sighs before pulling me into a
bone crashing hug. My father is not a very affectionate man but
when he is it makes me really happy.
He hides his emotions so well and yet when you need it he is
always there. I can't stop myself from crying anymore so here I
am sobbing in my father's arms. I keep flinching and I think he is
starting to notice now. "Yini indaba? (What's wrong?) You keep
moving away from me." I shake my head then wipe my tears off
using my shirt. "Uhm I think my woman thingies are starting
early this month so ngisa cela indlela. (Please excuse me)" His
eyes go wide then he quickly let's me go. It's so funny whenever
this happens.
I remember when I started with my period it was the most
scariest day of my life but he was there even though he
panicked more than I did. Luckily there was this woman who
always babysat me for my father whenever he had to go to
work. She told us all about what happens when it that happens
and what to buy and how to take care of myself when it did
happen. I will always be thankful to Gog'Twala because that
woman was always there for me and I know she still would be
had she still been alive today.
My bedroom feels odd. I know he hurt me but all I want is him
right now, cuddling me like he did earlier today. My rib area is
on fire, maybe I need a doctor because I don't think I'll just
wake up and I'll miraculously be healed. I get up again hoping
my father isn't here and that my injuries are not that bad. I
don't even think I reached the kitchen because my eyes just
decided to close themselves and I could no longer feel my body.
I see the light. That's bad right?
12
Twelve
Daniel 9 Verse 9: To the Lord our God belong mercy and
forgiveness, though we have rebelled against Him.
Yes I do know the bible what do y'all take me for?
I lay awake in a hospital bed just staring at the bland walls.
Everything here is just white and depressing. I heave a sigh
waiting for the upcoming lecture, I hope it's not that bad. I feel
like he was getting used to Phila being in my life but now, I
don't think that's ever going to happen. I wonder how he is,
Phila that is, is he ok? Does he know that I'm in here? Does he
know that I'm made to lay in this bed doing absolutely nothing
while my peers get on with school? Worst thing is, I don't even
have a friend that could help me with taking notes for me so
I'm definitely going to miss out on a lot.
The door flies open and I immediately close my eyes hoping
whoever it is thinks I am fast asleep drugged by these flippen
medicine. The person moves around the room for a while then
ends up on the bed as he kisses my hand. By the scent, I can tell
that this is Phila. "Standwa sam, I'm so sorry. I don't even have
an excuse for what I did. I don't know what.... ngiyaxolisa. (I'm
sorry) I... fuck... please wake up. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry
MaKhumalo." Is he crying? Why is he crying? I mean, i know
why he's crying but...
I open my eyes and the sight that befalls me is not a good one
at all. He has a busted lip and his left eye is as big as a tennis
ball. "What happened to your face?" He chuckles. Did I say
something funny maybe? I mean maybe I look funny or
something. "This is nothing compared to what I did to you
standwasami." He chuckles a little. "Yes but what happened
though?" Why did I just agree? Is what he did to me worse than
his face? "Your father happened but it's good. He said I should
take care of you."
"What?" My father is many things but he's not violent. I mean
he's the only person I know that can control his anger
regardless of anything that may happen, he'll always remain
calm. "Yeah after your brother got you here angithi wena
uyagquleka nje estubeni (You go around fainting like it's
normal), uBaba wakho came to our house and beat me up. He
knew it was me and I didn't even deny it." I giggled at the
gquleka (fainting) part. I guess this was a tiny bit way more
serious than I thought it was. "Well you did hurt me so..." his
eyes glisten. I don't like it when he's sad.
"I'm kidding I..." playing with my fingers seem like the only
thing that makes sense right now. "No I deserve that. I honestly
don't know what happened standwasami all I kept thinking
about is somebody possibly hurting you and I just lost it. I'm
sorry." I tighten my hold on his hand looking at his beautiful
eyes. "Its ok, just promise it won't happen again ok?." My
subconscious is screaming at me, reeling about how stupid I am
right now. I know I just love him and I guess I want to be with
him.
The rest of the day goes on in a blur with him trying to feed me
this nasty hospital food. Kanti what type of people are hired at
the hospital? No because they cook tasteless food. It's a new
day that has got me bored. I've not even seen nor have i spoken
to my father or brother, Phila told me that he won't be coming
today because he has work so I guess I'll be bored the whole
day. Just as my mind starts wondering off my father walks in
with Nkanyiso in his arms. My little cute nephew.
"Ubukhepi bengiku khumbula? (Where have you been? I
missed you.)" Nkanyiso is very straightforward I wonder where
he gets that from. His big eyes stare into mine already
intimidating me. I know where he gets that from, it's from the
big oger that's making it hard for me to breathe. "Hawu Nkanyi
I just saw you yesterday." He frowns in return. I thought it was
easy to tell kids lies kodwa ke here he is looking at me like I've
just been caught trying to escape Sun City prison with a gun on
a wardens head. "No you didn't. I last saw you three days ago."
That's not that bad. I've been dealing with stuff kid ok? I force a
small smile on my face before attacking him with a ton of
kisses.
I feel like Nkanyiso is growing up too fast. It's like one minute
he was that small little shy guy to suddenly being this
straightforward intimidating little man with big eyes probably
from his ugly mother. I've seen a picture or two and trust me
the girl is ugly no I'm not even say it right. She is hideous. Thank
God Nkayiso only took her eyes and nothing more. "Nyiso,
thata la udlale ama game wakho.(Here go and play your
games)" My father decides to say. I am not going to like this
upcoming conversation am I? Nkanyiso does as he is told and
quietly sits in the corner with a huge tablet in his hands fixing
his glasses here and there. Who even travels with a tablet at
that age?
"Buhle" his voice holds not emotion. No warmth just
emptiness. "Baba" it's better to give him what he gives me even
though I am incapable of sounding as cold as he does but I think
I sort of nailed it. "Uk'shayeleni lamfana? (Why did that boy hit
you?)" At least he stopped calling him a goat. Didn't they
already solve this between the two of them? "Akangi shayanga
uPhila Baba. (He didn't hit me)" His eyebrows cease as he looks
at me dead in the eyes. I mean I'm not lying though he really
didn't hit me he just... squeezed me. "Manje sifunani la? (Then
what are we doing here?)" Now his voice is filled with
venomous anger and I know that this is never good. I prefer the
cold, unemotive him instead.
"He just..." I don't want to lie to him but I also don't want to tell
him the truth I mean how is he ever going to look at me then?
"He just squeezed too hard" have i suddenly turned into a
tube? Really Buhle 'squeezed too hard'? "This thing of yours
and covering up for him is still going to go on and on until he
breaks you. I'm not going to lie to you Buhle I don't like this
relationship and I know I'm going to lose you because of it. I'm
just hoping when he finally kills you, they bring me your body to
lay to rest." His words bring me fear. Why would he say
something like that? It was just an accidental squeeze. I'm not a
victim of abuse.
When he leaves all that rings inside my head are his words to
me. I know my relationship with Phila is not really the best but
that doesn't mean I'll leave in a body bag. What my father said
really disturbs me and leaves me traumatised almost. It
sounded more of a promise than a warning to me.
'Until he breaks you' why would Phila break me? How would he
break me?
Thirteen
*****NOT EDITED*****
Uthando lu nama terms and conditions. Inkinga yam pho
ukhuthi angikulindanga okuzayo. (Love has terms and
conditions. My problem is not preparing for them.)
These past few weeks just went on in a blur. I am out of
hospital and the first thing I did was order a huge burger. I
mean I needed to awaken my taste buds from the traumatic
experience it's been through at the hospital. Phila is still MIA so
that's another thing that's happening. I don't understand what
is so hard with calling someone and just telling them that you
won't be available for a few days.
I'm back to school and it has been hectic. I'm so behind it not
even a joke. I'm busy writing a paper on what ever chemical
and I'm so not interested at this moment. I feel like I'm forcing
my mind into something I don't even want myself. As I'm busy
my bedroom door opens. I don't even have the energy to look
at the person that decided to just walk in like my bedroom is a
hostel. "Hle uBaba wants to talk to you." My brother's voice
booms out.
These day my relationship with the two have gone from shakey
to just dead. I don't know why and I honestly don't even have
the patience for it. "Ngiyeza. (I'm coming)" I hear his footsteps
fade away before I stand up and walk to the living room's
direction. Nkanyiso has disappeared again, I'm not even going
to ask. I sit down as he is busy eating his plate from last night.
He didn't come back last night and I am greatful that he is back
now without a scratch.
"Buhle." That's the first word that comes from his mouth after i
greet him. "I found your mother, she would like to see you."
Now I'm speechless. How is it that I have been in grief about my
mother and all along he could just find her in mere seconds?
This doesn't make sense at all. Did my father hide the fact that
he's always known where she was all this time? Or is he just as
shocked as I am right now? "Angizwisisi Baba. (I don't think I
understand.)" I fail to understand a lot these days like the fact
that Phila decided to just disappear without a trace from the
face of the world.
"Your mother would like to see you that's if you want to." If I
didn't know better I'd say he is hiding something from me but
it's fine. I feel like I've always been naive when it comes to
everything my father did. I never questioned it mainly because I
thought he was doing it for my sake but now... all these
questions are raising pleading for answers that I have no idea
of. "Where is she? Ngizoya manje. (I'll go right now.)" I'm
craving to see her and be with her but I first need to know
where she is in order to do all of that.
"In an orphanage... I'll take you there myself tomorrow."
Tomorrow? "Kodwa(but) Baba I just... why not now." His face
changes. Whatever is going on in this house, i want no part of it
anymore. I'm sick and tierd of this sudden treatment. "Ngoba
ngishilo (Because I said so.) Buhlebethongo." And his word is
final. I stand up and leave without a word said. I am honestly
tierd and I am badly in need of someone to talk to about all of
this. I feel like I'm carrying way more than I think I am.
"Buhlebethongo Hello." I'm answering my phone that has been
ringing off the charts. I wonder what this persistent person
wants so late at night. I need to sleep and find out what I really
want for my life. "Standwasami." Haa the devil has been
brought back from the dead. Phila takes people as clowns and I
hate it because if he was serious about his life then he would
stop joking to the clown he sees on my face. "Philasande." I
don't have the energy. I have school in the morning and I have
to prepare myself emotionally to be in the same room as the
woman that gave birth to me.
I need to prepare myself to ask the questions that I've always
wanted to ask. "Unjani?" I'm pretty sure my tone says it all but I
guess he needs me to verbally tell him how I'm feeling. "What
do you want Phila?" If he thinks he can just disappear then
reappear and act normal after then he has another thing
coming. He sighs I'm already picturing him scratching his head
in frustration. "Ngi ngam khumbuli umuntu wami yin? (Am i not
suppose to miss my partner?)" Please tell me how Zulu men
date because I fail to understand the ignorance his tone is filled
with. I have no idea, none whatsoever why he is so unbothered
by the fact that he's been avoiding me for the past three weeks.
"Phila umdala and honestly I can not tell you how to live your
life. Ngikhatele. I stand up for you over everyone only for you to
come back and treat me like my feelings mean nothing to you.
We've not even been dating that long but I'm already tierd
dreading this whole relationship. Hayii ngeke I'm also
someone's child Philasande and I honestly don't need this. I
don't need none of this." This is me offloading. I will not cry and
beg him to spend all his time with me. Phila is a grown ass man
that knows what he wants and if i am not what he wants then
fine.
There is silence after what I said. I am hoping that my words
have somehow reached the depths of his heart. I have no doubt
in my mind that Phila loves me and I do too but I can not always
reassure myself of the love he has for me as if I'm forcing him
to love me. "Ngiyaxolisa. (Im sorry.)" I shake my head as if he
can see me. I'm frustrated with everything and his sudden
departure is not helping at all. "It seems like that's all you do
these days." I wonder what is going through that big head of
his.
"Ukhuthi ngivele ngi ngazi ukhuthi ngithini kwena(it's just that I
never really know what to say to you). I just get stuck. I didn't
want to upset you especially because you were still laying in a
hospital bed. Ngiyaxolisa ngempela (I'm really sorry.)
MaKhumalo and I know I always do that. Apologizing i mean. I
am just not used to falling in love with someone and constantly
wanting to shield her from the world. Ngiyabheda (I suck) when
it comes to communication I know kodwa ngizofunda.
Ngiyakthembisa." This is the most words he's ever spoken to
me ever. I'm so proud of him at least I know we're getting
better day by day.
He is constantly unwrapping a side to him that I never knew
existed and I love it. I never knew he could be vulnerable until
he came to the hospital. Phila is a different case all together
and sometimes it gets exhausting but other times, it's the best
thing to just unwrap all of him and enjoy him piece by piece.
"So uthi ukuphi? (Where did you say you were again?)" I know
he can apologise for hours so distracting him by changing the
topic will do me good. "I'm...working." He paused between the
two words. "You should've told me that from the beginning. " if
he saved me the trouble then I wouldn't have to worry about
his whereabouts.
"I didn't want you to worry." His response is vague making me
think about whether or not I need to worry. Why would I worry
about him working unless he is working for the illegal type of
work instead of helping out at the taxi rank. "You're not eRank
are you?" I can feel him breathing through the speakers. He is
not making it easy for me by doing that. "Cha. (No)" That
answers everything, why he's gone and why I couldn't get a
hold of him. I remember when my Father did it almost every
month. He would leave me for days with no word from him. I
didn't care at the time because I was a mere child but now...
I'm aware of the dangers that come with whatever this job is
because I used to visit my father in this hidden hospital
somewhere in a forest. He would have bullet wounds or deep
cuts on his body. I don't think I'm strong enough to see Phila in
that state. "Just... come back safe ok, without a scratch. " my
voice is shakey thinking about all those times I laid awake
traumatised at my father's injuries. He thought I didn't know
about them but I always knew I was always hiding in the
shadows watching as he tried to muffle his screams caused by
pain. "I promise you I will. I have to go muntu omuhle." He
drops the call before I even have the chance to answer back.
Am i ready for all of this? Am i ready to lay in bed wondering if
he'll come back safe? Am i ready to watch his eyes filled with
pain as the doctor removes bullets on his body?
I don't think I am...
Fourteen
uBaba unenzondo engayi yazi nje nami. (My father's hatred
runs deeper than the surface.)
How did we get here? I was so happy just a few hours ago and
now there's blood on the floor. I am beyond traumatised as I
press on Phila's bullet wound, one that was caused by my very
own father. I am blinded by my very own tears as this all gets
too much. Phila is breathing but I can tell that he is beyond the
feeling pain. I thought my father understood, but if he did then
why is my boyfriend laying on the cold floor of his own
apartment while I press on his arm and thigh because he shot
him?
"Phila." This is all I keep saying and hopefully it keeps him alive.
He is losing a lot of blood and yet I can't seem to stand up and
call an ambulance because I fear that he might die. "Asambe
Buhle." My father's voice bellows as he starts pulling my arm
only causing me to let out a sob as Phila flinches. "No... Phila
open your eyes please. I'm sorry." I feel like I just caused the
biggest blunder history has ever known. How did he ever find
me here? "Buhlebethongo asambe!" I know not to argue with
that tone. But how do I just leave him like this?
His eyes are slowly closing as I am being grabbed by my father
out of Phila's apartment. I'm kicking and screaming before
being shoved into his car as he drives off. "Baba ngiyacela can I
just wait with him until an ambulance comes please
Baba...please." His face is just stoic staring at the road like I
didn't exist. "Ba..."
"Thula Buhle!!" I pull my knees to my chest and cry harder. I
feel like my heart has been riped out of my very own chest. This
is not how today was meant to go. Today was suppose to be
amazing just me and Phila that's it. No one else was suppose to
be there. I was just spending the day with Phila. Everything was
perfect but just in a blink of an eye it just disappeared. Why
was my father even there to begin with?
Flashback!!!!
I woke up today, went to school then saw his tall figure just
standing next to a red Audi. He looked amazing and at that
moment all that went through my head was that I wanted to
spend the rest of my life with him. He came back after two
more weeks since we last spoke and looked perfect. No scar no
bruise and that just made me even happier. His eyes sparkled
as he looked into my eyes from afar before walking a short
distance towards me. I giggled being engulfed in his huge arms
before being picked up by him as he spun me around.
We had a nice lunch date as he told me all about his day. All I
could do was stare into his eyes and admire the love and
warmth that radiated off of them. Phila is beautiful inside and
out. He is kind he is warm and although he can be a little weird
or rather intimidating, he still had that warmth about him that
just allowed you in and wrapped itself around your entire
being.
We were all lovey dovey when the door suddenly had multiple
knocks. One after the other that drove me crazy but one thing
made me halt on my steps. "Buhlebethongo!!!" I felt like my
whole world just stopped in a matter of seconds as my father's
voice cried throughout the entire building. I could tell that he
was angry by the tone he used. I looked at Phila with nothing
but fear as I could already see this crashing down on me. He
ushered me to his room then as I was hiding I could hear them
argue. That only told me that Phila had opened the door for
him.
Before I could even think anything through I heard the two
gunshots before Phila's groans were heard. I quickly ran out of
the bedroom and into the lounge where I saw him laying on his
side while one hand held the opposite hand and his thigh bleed
out blood amounting to a river. I could see regret in my father's
eyes but not because he shot him but because I just saw him do
it. I stared at the hand that held the gun before he hid it away
and tried coming towards me.
I walked backwards only halting when Phila's groans got deeper
and more worrisome. That's when it clicked to me that my own
father shot my boyfriend. I know about all the stories that
father's generally hated their daughter's having boyfriends but
this was way over the line. Why would he shoot my boyfriend? I
ran towards Phila and pressed on the wound that was on his
thigh.
****************
Now I lay awake wondering if Phila ever lived or if he died. I saw
all that blood and most of it was all over the clothes I wore. I
can still hear his groans of pain and all I could do was just hope
that he was ok. Crying would not help the situation but it was
all I could do at the moment. I've seen blood before but not like
that. I was suppose to go and meet my mother today but I
woke up and my father was not around.
I asked my brother Ntsika where he was and if he was coming
back or not. I was really excited about meeting my mother
which only turned out to be one big lie. He never came nor did
he fetch me from school like I thought he would. I just wanted a
chance to meet her maybe today wouldn't have even happened
to begin with. "Hle..." my brother said as he walks into my
room with a face filled with caution. I'm not the one to fear but
the man that is in the living room with a gun on his waist.
I steal a quick glance at him before looking away. I am probably
a pink hot mess. My hair is all over my face, my tears won't stop
drowning my face. "He's just trying to protect you Hle." Hawu
now he's protecting me? Kanjani why didn't he try and protect
me when he first found out? Why did he hurt Phila now, why
now? "If Phila dies I will never forgive your father Ntsika.
Never." My tone is laced with vernom. I mean every word I say.
If he was here this morning to accompany me to where my
mother is then none of this would've happened. Instead he
went to wherever he went to and now he wants to act all high
and mighty when he knows deep down that him and Phila are
one and the same.
"Now you're being unfair Hle. You want Baba to just sit and be
free while he knows that you're in the company of an animal."
Animal? My man is an animal? Mine? Heee Ntsika and his
father should just go and hang themselves with a wet tissue.
I'm enraged and the look I give to him at this very moment
shows the amount of anger deep inside of me. "Animal? What
are you? If Phila is an Animal then what are you and your
father? You know what wena Ntsika no Baba
wakho (you and your father.) are both hypocrites." I hate that
he is not even affected by my words because I want him to hurt
just as I am hurting. I want him to feel the pain that I feel right
now.
"Ok Buhlebethongo. Dinner is ready come and eat." One thing
I've noticed about Ntsika is that he is not a very chatty person.
He would never sit down with a person and argue with them till
kingdom comes. I wonder what type of boyfriend he is... "I'm
not hungry." I'm also not going to go back and forth with him. I
am tierd my head hurts and just about everything else in me.
My heart feels like it's bleeding so arguing with this man right
now is the last this I want to do. "Are you going to tell uBaba
that?" If my death stare doesn't shake him then why is he still
here?
"I didn't ask you whether you were hungry or not. I just told
you to head to the living room. Dinner is ready." This one must
be high on weed. I'm not going anywhere near his father.
It is days like this where I wonder if whether I would've been
better living with a single mother instead of my father.
Fifteen
iqiniso liyangi sinda (the truth is heavy on me.)
Never in my life have I ever sat myself down and told myself
that one day just one day I would meet the woman who has
terrorised my emotions. Here she is looking ever so graceful
and beautiful.
My mother, I never thought such words would ever cross my
mind and saying them back to myself while I watch her every
move inching my heart ever so close to her. I am in love with
her aura, her warmth that wraps around me and swirls me in.
The way she handles these children, the way in which she
speaks to them gives me goosebumps. She is remarkable to
watch and all I can guess is that all these feelings inside of me
overwhelm me. I am confused because I am unable to
understand why she left me. I am happy that she is safe and is
still very much alive but at the same time I am hurt at the fact
that she is able to take care of everyone else but me, her
biological daughter.
I had thought my father would pay someone to pose as my
mother but here I am looking at a photocopy of myself. She is
every little feature and more of me. It looks like she was
recreated onto me. I look away finally, as my eyes remind me of
my crying sessions. I should be happy right? Deep down I am, I
am soaring with happiness but again I am wondering why? Why
is my father regarded as a single father when in fact she has
been here all along? "I'm taking a walk. Call me when you are
done." I nod at my brother before taking a step forward seeing
as she hasn't noticed my presence as yet.
I could never agree with my father accompanying me here
when we are at odds with one another. I would rather have
someone who is a least bit welcoming in the emotional point of
view. I tap her shoulder as I feel some tears masking my eyes
making it a little hard for me to see her beautiful face up close.
When she turns around with a big smile probably not expecting
me she is met with my face that is just minutes away from
pouring with tears. Her face is frozen for a while and then the
tears come as well, as she lays her delicate fingers on my face
while her soft thumb wipes away my lone tear.
Her skin as pale as mine but with a certain glow that I pray is
genetic. "Hlehle..." now comes the realization of the shortened
version of Buhle which is also a much shorter version of Hlehle.
This makes me wonder if my father saw her in my eyes
everytime he would look at me and utter the name. "Hi" I say
back after swallowing a big lump in my throat which only
causes my tears to roll out even worse. She pulls me in as I get
engulfed by the fragrance of strawberries and vanilla. She
smells divine. I wrap my arms around her plump body as I cry in
her arms.
I'm not only crying for this moment but for every other
moment before it. I am crying for Phila being in the hospital and
me being here with my hands tied because I was forbidden by
my own father from rolling in my own happiness. "I'm so sorry
Hlehle wam." The fact that she calls me hers makes my heart
melt. Her voice octaves softer than anything I've ever heard. It
sounds like a feather. This only proves to me of how perfect she
is and only adds to my confused state as to how she left if that's
even the whole story. I sit with her in a room that is serene and
the colours and warmth that escapes it calls to you. I laid my
head on her shoulder basking in the silence. I'm waiting for her
to speak she can say anything and I would just listen to her all
day. Her voice is just magical in my ears. She massages my head
gently calming my nerves at the words that are about to flood
out of her mouth. "How have you been?" It's like she can see
the struggles that come with me being here specifically today
after the horror that befell me the day before.
"I... I don't know." I can feel her confusion because of my vague
answer. I don't know mainly because I realised that my love for
Phila is getting toxic for everyone around us. I didn't sleep last
night thinking about him trying to call his number which only
turned out to be futile as it went straight to voicemail. "Would
you like to talk about it?" I sigh I have been talking for too long
and it seems like the two people whom I talk to are not willing
to let go of their stupid egos and allow me to be happy. I don't
think talking will help. "No..." I sit up straight then stare into her
eyes. The two orbs are filled with nothing but regret. "You have
grown into an amazing young woman. Umuhle futhi (you're
beautiful)" she chuckles at the end and sighs while taking my
hand. "I was selfish and inconsiderate. I forgot the fact that I
was married and had a child with the man. I can give you
reasons as to why I left but they are all useless because nothing
will make up for the time I lost with you and your father. I know
it will be hard but please forgive me. I really am... I'm pleading
Hlehle for your forgiveness. It would mean a lot to me."
I fail to understand her reasons mainly because she didn't
provide me with any. She just told me she was sorry but I don't
want to forgive something that I don't know. Let me be the
judge of whether or not her reasons matter or not. "I don't
understand Mama." I say honestly because I truely don't.
"Hlehle, this is... it's complicated." I shake my head even more
confused. "Then uncomplicated it for me Mama." The word just
came out of my mouth like it has been waiting to come out. So
naturally as if it would sail through my lips and embrace my
heart with butterflies.
"I was just trying to protect you and now I know that it could've
happened either way. I have been running away from a man
that has been dead a long time now." This just sends my mind
into spiral. Man? What man? "Baba?" I ask honestly seeking for
the truth so that I can lay in peace at night knowing that my
mother didn't just throw me away. "No never, your father
would never hurt me or you for that matter. He maybe a lot of
things but an abuser is not one of them." Haa just look at this
woman speaking so lovenly about her husband. As far as I know
they never divorced so they are still very much Mr and Mrs
Khumalo.
"Then who?" She looks at me intently as her eyes sparkle with
realization. "Someone from my past that was hell bent on
hurting you and your father." This just keeps getting even more
confusing? Past? Someone? Maybe I have forgotten how to
analyse English let me ask her in my father toungue. "Ubani
Ma? (Who Ma?) Futhi (and again) why would he want you to
separate from your own husband?" If she gives me answers
that seem like they are from a physical science textbook then I
am running out of here like a mad woman hooked on drugs.
"I met him before I met your father. At first it started off with
the controlling my every move as if we were dating when he
knew that my heart belonged to your father and only him. Then
he would stalk my movements, act like my personal guard.
When I told your father he didn't take me seriously and I guess
because he was his brother." Wait brother? My father has a
brother or had? What is going on in your earth father God? "He
started making me very uncomfortable especially when I was
pregnant with you. The way he looked at me and whenever he
said stuff like you were his and that I knew the truth that just
set me off. When I told your father again, his mother said that I
was only trying to cause a drift between her children so I kept
quiet."
My father had a mother? I always thought he was some kid
from I don't know where who just miraculously appeared from
the surface of the earth. This story just keeps getting better and
better. "By the time I gave birth he came to the hospital one
day told me how much you looked like him but this time I didn't
have to tell your father about it because he walked in just as his
brother was accusing me of cheating on him with your father.
Crazy! yes I met him before your father but it was only because
we were in the same school together not romantically. Your
father chased him out and then his mother..." She shook her
head as if reliving the painful memories.
"Your father's mother started being very abusive. She would
swear at me every chance she got. Even told herself that you
were not a Khumalo child. That hurt because I honestly didn't
want to separate your father from his family it wouldn't be fair.
She would hit me sometimes I remember..." She shook her
head again only this time she was intentionally making me
forget of her reminiscing. "Your grandmother and uncle told me
to leave if I didn't want your blood on my hands I thought they
were joking until I found you screaming at the top of your lungs
while he held a knife on your privates so I left."
This is too much to take it. All this information all at once makes
me want to vomit the food that I was forced to eat last night. I
look at her shocked. I grew up thinking that I had no one else
but my father when in actual fact he had a family whom were
maniacs that are capable of hurting a baby. "Where...where
was Baba all this time? I mean what?" I am just speechless even
the coherent sentence that I had formed in my head is just
coming out as a ball of mumbling and stuttering.
"He was working I mean he was just trying to make our lives
easier. He thought we were safe and happy when in actual fact
I lived in fear of when they would tick until I just gave in to their
demands and left." My heart feels like it's being stabbed this is
just crazy. How can one be so degrading of someone else's
emotional state. Then you call her your Makoti when you make
her feel like her life is constantly in danger? "Does Baba know?"
She shakes her head and I can see that her mouth is moving but
my ears are filled with that bitter sound of nothingness as if
purposefully closing themselves.
She shakes me and before I know it I pass out.
Sixteen
Oh Phila standwasami waze wayi vusa imizwa yami nje ngoba
ngizwa iphimbo lwakho. (Phila my love, your voice just
awakens my every emotion.)
Waking up in a hospital bed is not nice I mean I have a life and
school to focus on even though my course is starting to bore
the shit out of me but it's still school. I fail to understand why
my mother panicked over a simple panic attack that will
probably never even happen again. I am only greatful because I
heard that Philasande Mabaso is in this very hospital.
I sort of understand why my mother left but there is also that
hole in my heart that craves more than what she told me and
this other part that wants reassurance and love from her. I have
missed out on having a mother for years and it was all because
of my grandmother whom I still don't know and my uncle who
honestly from my perspective sounds a little like a sociopath. I
have been here for over three hours and saying I am fine means
nothing to this photocopy of mine because she's here fussing
over every little thing about me. She's even feeding me, can
you believe that?
"Ma I am honestly fine. You don't have to do that." A part of me
loved the attention and being treated like a baby, I mean we all
know that Bab'Khumalo is emotionally detached so getting this
much attention from my mother feels nice. "I'll believe that
when you are out of here. I can't believe you had a panic attack.
Does it happen often? When did it start?" The manner in which
she asked those questions was way too fast for any normal
human being to grasp. "Ma you're speaking way too fast. I can't
hear you." She sighs.
She looks very worried and I guess it has to do with having to
inform my father of why I'm here to begin with. Speak of the
devil and he shall appear. He walks in looking like his normal
ordinary self with my brother behind him. I wonder where my
nephew is. Speaking of which... that one seems to disappear
whenever I'm in trouble and then reappear when things are
better. It's like he can sense it. "What happened?" Really no
'hello guys. Are you well?' Not even a 'have you eaten today my
dear daughter?' Father's will disappoint you shame.
"I fainted Baba." That's a more understandable explanation of
what happened to me. "Why? Awudlanga? (Didn't you eat?)"
He asks. Oh now he wants to know whether there's something
in my stomach or not? I shake my head. That's my pretty white
lies coming to the surface. I did eat it's just that all this stress
added on to school which is becoming a drag and the stress of
not knowing how Phila is, it's just becoming too much for me at
this point. I wonder how much a retreat costs, Lord knows I
need it.
The next couple of hours are spent with my parents looking and
feeding us akward vibes while I lay in bed forced to watch them
act like high school students that are afraid to express their
feelings for one another. My brother standing by the door like
my personal bodyguard is not helping. "May I please go
outside?" The first set of eyes that match mine are my father's.
He looks rather suspicious about my plea. I hope having a
mother will come in handy right at this very moment.
"Uhm ok just be careful baby." I'm her baby, this feels so good. I
get up and walk out but not outside like I said I would. I know
I'm going to get in trouble for this but it's worth it. "Phila." I
whisper as I stand at the side of his bed. He has his eyes closed
and his face scrunched up as if he is in pain. The bandage that is
wrapped around his arm reminds me of the bullet that pierced
through his skin released by my father. "Philasande." I could
feel my eyes water with tears.
I've never been a cry baby but since I've met Phila I've been
doing a whole lot of crying. His eyes peel open and a smile
appears. I know that it is not his full smile but the fact that he
smiles makes me feel better. "MaKhumalo" His voice booms
around the room as he calls to me using my surname making
my tummy flutter with butterflies and joy. I've never been so
proud with being a Khumalo. "I'm sorry." He shakes his head
repeatedly with my heart hoping that he doesn't cause
anymore harm to his body.
"No no no standwasami. There's nothing to be sorry for. You
did nothing wrong." But I feel like I did. I have everything to do
with this. I may be stubborn at times but I know when to give
up and I think I should've surrendered when I was first told to
because now, now my heart makes the decisions and I'm not
going anywhere. "But I..." he stands up and wraps his arm
around my waist and picks me up with just one hand placing
me on his lap. This makes me feel all giddy inside. I even forgot
that he is injured.
"But nothing ok. This has nothing to do with us I told you this
before. I know if I had a different surname your father wouldn't
even bat me an eye. This is between whatever happened
between the two people that caused it. I love you
Buhlebethongo Khumalo and that is not just going to change
anytime soon or because of some stupid petty fight." This is
more than I needed. I guess he really does know his way around
words. I lay my head carefully on his chest just praying for a
little more time before reality sneaks in. A person can only
hope.
"Phila." A voice similar in tone and dominance speaks up
causing us to look at the source. The man looks like a rather
older and more wiser version of Phila. He is tall just as Phila is
and has a grey like beard which is by far the most neatest bead
I've ever seen. His facial features are those possessed by Phila
and so it is easy to determine that they are most definitely
related. "Baba." His tone is laced with respect but also worry. If
this is Phila's father than I understand why he would be
worried.
I look away from him just trying to focus on anything but him. I
hope and pray that he is at least five percent better than my
father is because if not then war is definantly coming and we
are the cause. "Ntombazane. (Little girl)" That's me. I am utterly
speechless and shaking inside right now. "S-sawubona Baba." I
steal a glance at him and look away just as quickly. I am scared
out of my mind. "Ufunani lana? (What are you doing here?)" His
tone is just as dominating and frightening but nothing beyond
that.
"I- bengi vakashela uPhila (I'm just here to visit Phila) Baba. I
just wanted to know if he is fine." I feel like his eyes are
stripping me bare trying to find any ulterior motive beside the
fact that my ancestors are turning their backs on me due to my
new sudden and strong love affair towards one person that
they consider an enemy. "You can be with any boy on this
planet and yet you chose my son. Why?" And this is not
expected. How do I even attempt to answer such a
question?"Baba..."
"Hayii thula wena ngizoza kwena. Ntombazane, ufunani kwi
ndondana yami? (Keep quiet Phila I'm not speaking to you. Little
girl what are you doing with my son?) " I feel like I'm in one of
those mzansi's most favourite soapies and I'm the main
character. Everything just revolves around me. Forgive me if I'm
being ungreatful but I honestly don't like this feeling.
"Ngiyamthanda uPhila Baba. (I love Phila.)" This is probably the
first time I've ever said this with Phila in the same room as me. I
mean I never utter such words simply because I wanted to
know what his intentions were with me and now that we're
here, I'm glad I did.
"Baba please just, a moment please." As I look up expecting yet
another question followed by an angry sentence along the lines
of 'don't ever come here again' or rather 'you are the cause of
all of this so I never want to see you again." But all I see is his
hard face softened with a big smile showing me just how
beautiful and close to perfection Phila and his family are
genetically. "Don't worry I was not going to make her suffer
son. I just wanted to know what her true intentions were." If
anyone were to tell me that this is what would've kept
everyone else away I would've just said I love Phila around
anything and everyone I saw. But ke this is not a soapie Buhle.
"You scared her." He shakes his head then sits on the couch
across from us. I cannot believe that I am still sitting on Phila's
lap with his arm around my waist. As his father starts with his
better toned interrogation, the door busts open and as if my
lucky stars have lost their magic, my father walks in looking as
livid as ever. Why does this man always find me in
compromising situations? I'm afraid that he might find me
having sex next time if he continues like this.
If there is really a next time.
Seventeen
Kwa suka sukela. Ngifisa ngabe impilo yam ingi ndlalekwane
(once upon a time. I wish my life was a story out of a fairytale.)
"Hawu Mtungwa, Mbulaz'omnyama (Khumalo clan names)"
Phila's father comments as my feet find their way with the floor
leaving my wounded boyfriend whining as if I just pushed him
off of me. I know one thing about my father, when he's angry
he'd rather not say a word because then he says things that can
break a person. He glances at Phila's father then returns his
eyes on me. I feel stupid at this point because I should've
listened to that little voice that told me not to come here. Too
little too late sister.
"Buhle." He sounds like he's tierd. I would too if I had to run
after someone who was hell bent on not listening to a word I
said regarding the boy she's dating. "Baba" my heart is beating
out of my chest. I feel like my lungs are losing oxygen.
"Asambe. (Let's go)" His word is final as I follow him behind like
a lost puppy back into my room. All I can think about now is
that I have gone too far to not have a drastic response from
him. When we get into the room my mother's eyes follow me
like the lost puppy I've become. I'm trying to understand my
father's silence but it just sounds like a ringing sound of
nothingness. Why is he so quiet, he should be blowing a fuse
right now. I still don't understand why my father is bothered by
the fact that I am in love with someone that honestly makes me
happy. I don't understand why despite the fact that I told him
about this, he still thinks he can tell me who to date. I've dated
before with his knowledge and none of my ex's got bullet
wounds or were told to stay away from me.
I would've understood had this been a reoccurring thing but it's
not. This is all new too me which confuses me even further
because I have never dealt with such even when I had my first
boyfriend, he just told me to be careful and if and when the boy
hurts me go run to him and that was it. So now the question is
why is Phila different because if it has something to do with this
pertaining war then it's a pretty stupid thing to be fighting over.
My feelings for Phila will not just disperse because my great
great grandfather had a bone to pick with a Mabaso specifically
the one who would be related to the man I love.
"Baba hayii bandla. (Baba no.)" My mother's voice creaks in as
tears roll down my eyes. My father has my clothes in a huge
suitcase in an attempt to take it to the car. We were just
coming home a minute ago and now I am being told that I'm
going to resume my education in another country. Now my
packed clothes are in a suitcase in the car boot. I feel like I'm
about to splatter up in pieces. How did we even get to a point
where my mother is begging my father not to do what he is
about to do and me just crying on the gravel road sitting on it
bare.
My brother is trying to talk him out of it but it's like he's talking
to the wall. "Baba ngiyakcenga (I'm begging you.) please. Ntsika
khuluma no Baba wakho bandla. (Ntsika please talk to your
father.)" One minute I was thinking that he was finally giving up
about the whole me and Phila thing and now this happens.
"Myeni wam ngiyacela (My husband please) let's just get back
in the house and speak please Baba." Ma says after Ntsika
failed his mission of talking to his bestie. He looks at her for a
minute or two then goes back inside. I've been sitting on the
pavement for sometime now.
I honestly didn't know what to do and how to even go about
doing it. I love my father, I respect him a lot too but sometimes,
I just wish he was a bit distanced from me. "Woza Buhle. (Come
Buhle.)" My brother helps me up as we then walk into the
house with my heart beating out of my chest. Maybe I pushed
him too far. I mean this has never happened before, the man
told me straight to my face to forget about school if I'm going
to apply into a university that would be far from him. So this,
this can only mean that I pushed him so far away that he had
no choice but to consider sending me away.
"I need everyone to come down ka khulu kazi wena
Baba. (more especially you Baba.) Please just speak to one
another. No insults, no disrespect and no swearing. Don't act
rash. You two have been together for years. You know each
other too well for you to be doing this and not speaking it
through. Please just listen and you will speak when I give you
the platform to. Ok?" My mother's words sooth the ache that
resides in my heart. It is true, Baba and I have been each
other’s greatest support system for years and so I feel a bit
taken aback now that he is against what I want to do. He is
against how I feel. "Baba ngicela uqale. (Please start Baba.)"
Baba shakes his head before focusing his eyes onto me. "You
are smart girl Buhle and very beautiful mntanami I still don't
understand why you want to waste all of that for a boy that
hardly even knows what love is. You can get any boy you want
and yet you chose him why? Maybe if I knew your reasons that
would make it easier for me to understand. Why?" Ma looks at
me so that I answer Baba. "I'm going to tell you what I once told
you before. I love Phila Baba. Loving someone does not
necessarily act upon whether the person loves you back but my
heart... I love him. I cannot just change how I feel about him
because my father is not ok with our relationship. I cannot just
switch off my feelings for him Baba."
I am going to repeat what I said earlier on. The love I have for
Philasande Mabaso is almost toxic and not in a bad way but in a
good way. I can personally comment that I am highly obsessed
with being around him. I am obsessed with his voice and
everything else that is Philasande Mabaso. Why am I suddenly
expected to just switch it off? Are they willing to watch me fade
away. Are they willing to watch my every emotion die out
because the sudden reason for it's existent has been forced out
of my life? If that's what they want to do then I guess I might as
well consider suicide.
"Ngiyakuzwa Buhlebethongo kodwa (I hear you Buhle but...) are
you not tired? Are you not tired of always having to go back
and forth with all of this. I hear you. You love him that's ok I
cannot change how you feel for him but just as you cannot
expect us to help you switch off your feelings then you can also
not expect me to just watch as I lose my only daughter to a man
that I know will not love her like she deserves to be loved." Am i
the only one that finds it hard to understand his statement? I
don't get it.
"Kanti mina Baba akmelanga njabule?(Am I not deserving of
happiness Baba?) You don't want me to be happy? Is that it?
Am I not suppose to be happy mina Baba? Ngenzeni ku
bani (What did I do and to whom?) why am I not suppose to be
happy? You don't want..." My throat swells up as my tears
cascade all over my face. I don't understand. He loves me and I
know that his love is not conventional or rather thought of as
normal but Phila loves me. I love him back it's not like he's
forcing me to be with him. I am doing all of this out of my free
will why is that so hard to understand?
My mother sighs as she lays her soft and delicate fingers on my
skin to comfort me. I didn't know that such realities existed
where a daughter fights her father off for the man that she
loves. I thought that it was all just in mythologies or movies but
never in real life. How does he just sit there looking at me and
thinking that it's ok to do all of this. I would've forgiven him
shooting my boyfriend but he tried to ship me off to a place far
away from this, all of this. I just met my mother the least he
could've done is to just think of that.
It's not been long since I have known my brother and honestly
speaking I don't like our on and off relationship. My father
didn't even give that a second thought. He was ok with me
losing even more time with my mother. He was ok with the
rocky relationship I have with my brother. He was absolutely
fine with having to erase my image out of little Nkanyiso's
mind. If he could be fine with that then may be this is not the
man that raised me. Maybe the enemy he is always raving
about is just the mirror version of himself.
Maybe just maybe he doesn't love me the way I would've
thought he does...
Eighteen
Inhliziyo ibuhlungu, amehlo ayakhala. (My heart remains
broken, eyes fill with tears.)
It's been a few weeks since the whole ordeal. I have suddenly
become mute. My parents are back together which is great and
my brother is seeing someone. They all seem happier. As for
me, I feel like I am losing my mind. I have not been in contact
with Phila in these weeks. I look like hell heck I feel like hell. I
am at war with what feels right and what is right.
I thought that it would be better if I avoid him to make my
father happy. It worked I guess. My father is ok with me now
but what about Phila? I don't know if he's ok or not because I
have had my phone off since I last saw him. I don't even know
what I'll say to him or how I'll approach the topic of avoiding
him lately. Maybe I should just forget that he even exists.
I have no desire of life at this point. I am even back to my
predictable schedule which is just as depressing. I wish I could
just see his face, breath in his scent just take him in. I miss him
that is not even a lie. Phila made me happy in his own very
weird way that only he could muster. I loved his confidence,
smile and overall warmth. I loved that he listened without
judgement and just honest, raw interest. I loved how tall he
stood in front of me towering over me like the tallest building in
Johannesburg.
Here I am speaking of him as if I am mourning the loss of his
life. I speak of him as if he has left me all alone in this cold
world. Yet he lives, hopefully. With the life that the men around
my life live you can never be too sure of anything really. Phila
made me happy oh I wish that was still a reality. 'But what are
we doing Buhle? Are we ghosting him? Is that it? Are we really
going to act like he never even existed?' The little voice inside
my head mummers to me every waking second. I don't know
what I am doing sitting in this depressing house waiting for a
miracle to happen.
So I am going to Phila, wow that didn't last long. I feel like a
love struck teenager who is overly obsessed with her boyfriend.
What else can I do but stop my mopping and finally go and
meet him. That's a good idea right? Hopefully it is. So here I am
about to knock on his door before it just flies right open
revealing a very angry looking young woman dressed in the
most revealing clothes I've ever seen. She glances at me once
"So you must be the girlfriend..." before I could answer she was
already on her way out leaving me stuck on the ground.
What just happened? I step inside Phila's apartment and there
he is with his hands covering his face and no shirt gracing his
chest. "What was that?" I just need to understand what just
happened because my mind is just whirling with possible
scenarios and none of them look good right now. He looks over
at me with eyes filled with shock then worry and just as I
thought that was it, I am suddenly met by anger. Why is he
angry? "Ufunani lana Buhlebethongo. (What are you doing
here?)" Haa he is using my name, my full name at that. "Phila
what was that?" He stands up before shaking his head and
walking away.
"Phila." I know I can be a nuisance and right now that's what I
am planning on being until I get what I want. "Hayii mahn Buhle
yini ufunani? (What is it that you want?)" I can detect a bit of
anger seething from his lips before he turns around right as he
was about to enter his bedroom hopefully for a shirt. "I asked
you a question Philasande, what was that?" He looks at me just
for a while and just as I think he is about to walk away again his
eyes switch like there is a completely different person looking
back at me. I know this look, it was there when he almost
squeezed the life out of me.
It's not a good look. I start walking backwards as his jaw starts
twitching and his legs grow a mind of their own. "You come
from wherever it is you came from and start bombarding me
with questions. Awungiboni wena Buhle (you think lightly of
me), you think I'm some sort of idiot just because I love you
angithi (right). Don't take me for a fool Buhlebethongo
angiwona umngani wakho mina siyezwana? (I am not one of
your friends, do we understand each other?)" I nod my head
faster than my mind can process just as his face gets inches
away from my face. His nose is right on the tip of mine.
My heart is beating out of my chest right now. I don't know
what he is going to do and I don't think I want to know at this
point. "Ngiyaxolisa (I'm sorry) Phila." His eyes still hold the same
look. This very look that frightens me to death. "Ufunani
la (What are you doing here?) Buhle?" What am I really doing
here? I have tears at the brim of my eyes and I probably look
really messy. "I wanted to see you." His left eyebrow ticks
before his hand contracts with my waist in a gentle way. "After
how long?" I blink away my tears before attempting to look
away from him. Just as my attempts go to waste, the hand that
rests on my hip tightens reminding me of the day I went to the
hospital because of these very hands.
"Phila I'm sorry." I whimper out as tears flood my eyes making
it impossible to see him clearly. "I asked you a question." His
voice sounds to my ear as he tightens his hold on me yet again.
"Four weeks." I answer his question as pain shoots from my
waist while my back balances itself with the wall behind me.
"Four weeks? Ngibukeka nje ngeslima la kwena (Do I look like a
fool to you) Buhle? Am I an idiot or some toy that you can
always come back to whenever you want? Mhmm?" I shake my
head as a sob escapes from my lips. "Ubanga umsindo! (You're
making noise!)"
I cover my mouth using my right hand as the left one tries to
pry Phila's hand from causing anymore harm to me. "I asked
you a question Buhlebethongo. Phendula! (Answer!)" This is not
how I thought today would be like. It's far from how I thought it
would be like. "No I don't think you are an idiot Phila. I'm sorry
Phila please... Ngiyaxolisa (I'm sorry) Mntungwa." I am scared. I
am shaking in fear right now. He stares into my eyes before
letting me go completely and walking into his room leaving me
shaking on the floor, withering in tears and in pain. I don't like
this side of him. I sit there on the floor silently crying from the
pain in both my heart and my waist. Everything is just flooding
out of my head at this moment. I am shaking and disoriented
from what just happened. The most prominent thought that
come to me is the fact that I made him hurt me. I don't know
why this is prominent but I know that I was wrong for avoiding
him for this long. I know I was wrong for not informing him
about what was happening at that very moment because deep
down I know what he did was wrong but I also know that what I
did was worse. Forgive me for protecting the person that hurt
me but I just can't help it. I love Phila more than anything and I
guess that the more I see sides of him that are far from perfect,
the more my heart grows to love him more. I don't know
what's wrong with me in this sense but I can't help it. My heart
just wants him around. After an hour and a half he walks out of
his room and kneels in front of me. "I'm sorry." He whispers
before attempting to scoop me from the ground. I flinch as I
move away from him. I love him yes but I am more afraid of
him than I would want to be right now. "MaKhumalo..." He
trails off as he lays his hands on my knees while I look away
from him.
My entire face is stained with tears and the constant voice in
my head telling me that I shouldn't have been so persistent
with the questioning, that I shouldn't have followed him then
maybe this whole thing wouldn't have happened. "Ngiyaxolisa
Mama ngiyacela (I'm sorry please). I want to help you." I look
into his eyes as I notice life back into them. I notice that he is
infront of me as nothing more than the Phila I know and love.
"Wha-what's wrong with you Phila?" I honestly want to know.
Is he sick? Does he have multiple personalities? Or is this really
him shying away from the spotlight?
"Standwasami..." He trails off yet again causing butterflies to
flutter their way in my stomach only briefing my mind of my
hearts betrayal to the effect the word has to me. "Let me help
you please." After a lot of bickering and the back and forth I
have with my mind, I let him. He carries me into his room as I
stare in awe of the mess that welcomes me in. The whole room
is trashed and something in my head tugs a heavy but worthy
thought in me.
What if he had done this to me?
Nineteen
Yimpilo le esiyiphilayo. Ayinamngani ne nntanga. (This is life. It
has no friend or foe.)
"What's that?" My mother asks as she throws herself inside the
borders of my room. I am home after one hell of a day. Phila's
brother gave me some pain medication. I could hear their
bickering all the way in his trashed bedroom. It didn't make me
feel any better hearing them go back and forth about me, the
person that they decided to leave all alone in a room that
looked like it was ravaged by a bear. Now my mother stands in
front of me looking puzzled by the big bruise on my tummy. I
had my shirt up just staring at it infront of the mirror.
"Nothing ma. Just some allergy." She squints her eyes before
walking closer to me and laying her hand on the bruise causing
a whimper to fly out of my mouth. "Allergy? From what?" God
please let this lie of mine work. I can't affor my father knowing
about this incident it will only push him into thinking that he
was right all along. "I switched lotions so I think that it's causing
all of this." Yoh that was lame. I don't even know this woman
that well and yet I think so little of her mental capabilities. "And
it only affected this area?" See that wasn't really clever was it?
Damn ok what now?
"I'm not an idiot Buhle. I know a bruise caused by someone
else's hand when I see one and this, this is it." I could feel my
throat drying up. I look at her for a second before averting my
eyes somewhere else. I feel like she can see all of it in her own
spectrum which is probably not a good one for me. "Ma really
it's nothing ok. It's not even that painful plus I have something
to treat it from the doctor." Lies lies lies. How do they just keep
flying out of me so naturally? It's frightening. I don't think it's
even normal. "Come here baby." She pulls me over to my bed
before laying her hand on my thigh.
"I was with a man before I met your father. I thought he was
the best thing after tomato sauce in a bottle." Where is this
going? "He made me feel safe, loved and cared for. He took
care of me and for someone that lived in an orphanage at the
time, that was the best thing ever. I fell in love with him and
thought he loved me too but it was all just from me. I loved him
so much I felt that whenever he made a mistake I was to be
blamed. I heard myself say more sorries than I did the 'I love
you' s' and the 'thank you'. He took pieces of me that will never
grow back. One slap led to another and another until he was
too tired to do so and then punches, kicks, throwing me against
the wall and..."She swallowed as tears ran down her face while
she paused.
"And caused far more pain than any of the physical pain he
originally did. Years of that turned me into a puppet. Years of
shielding him in public while he did exactly what was being said
of him in private. Years of him acting like an amazing man in
public while in real life he was just a monstor wearing
expensive suits." She wiped her tears away and turned to look
at me while her hands kept shaking in a subtle manner. "What I
am trying to say to you baby is that you may feel safe with him.
Feel like he is the best man for you but if he treats you like
garbage that will always happen. Don't say just because you
didn't wash the dishes today you deserved the slap."
"Don't say just because you spoke to him rudely you deserved
to be punished by him because you don't. If he treats you like
trash then he will always treat you like trash. He won't change
just because you want him too. He won't change off of the love
you show him or the loyalty you prove to him daily. You are
smart, beautiful and an amazing young lady. Don't fall into the
trap because trust me baby, this trap is the hardest to get out
off." With that said she stands up, places a kiss on my forehead
and attempts to walk out. "His not like that Mama. He made a
mistake, he even apologied sincerely. He said he won't do it
again."
1
"That's what they all say baby, but they never change." She
walks out of my room leaving me with pressing thoughts. His
not an abuser. Phila loves me he never hurt me right? My mom
is just overreacting, Phila would never hurt me like that. He
promised me before he dropped me off, he said it was the last
time it would ever happen. He would never tarnish our love like
that. No he wouldn't.
Dinner time came and there I was sitting on the dinner table in
anticipation of what awaits me tonight. My worst fear is having
my mother discuss what happened earlier to my father because
then I know I will really be shipped off to study abroad. I can't
afford that. I need to show Phila that I love him and that I am
sorry for ignoring his existence these past few weeks. In doing
that I need to be here in Kwa-Zulu Natal to do that. No where
else. "Where did you go earlier today Buhle?" My brother asks
me as his son clings off of my lap being his usual jumping self.
What do they feed this kid again?
"Doctors office." My father turns to me in worry. "Why?"
Ntsika's tone sounds so menacing. It's like he already knows
why I apparently went to the doctors office for hours on end.
"Allergic reaction." Yes I stuck to the allergy stuff. My mother
isn't even paying attention to my lying self that's just sitting
here idly opening my mouth up for more lies. "Oh I didn't know
you had allergies." His tone keeps getting deadlier than before.
What is my brother trying to achieve? "Me too. Is it anything
serious ndodakazi? (daughter)" Oh how I have missed my
father's voice speaking directly to me and only me. We have
been ok with one another but rarely ever sat down like we used
to and conversed with one another.
I think that that road has sailed and with it part of the
relationship we had together. "No just my skin reacting to
certain chemicals in the lotion I've been using." I should be
trending for my ability to suddenly lie on the spot. I am lying as
if I get paid for it and it seems to be working out, soothing my
father's worries while the two other grown ups look at me as if I
have grown horns. "Ok, that's good." My father says while
nodding his head and getting back to his meal. I avert my eyes
from my mother and brother before I lay everything out in the
open for them to see.
I am trying my level best to keep this little one still but he just
won't budge. I can't keep him on my lap because every time he
lays back he brushes against my bruised skin which only causes
me to flinch in pain with food in my mouth which stops the
whimpers from flying out. I don't think this cream is helping
with the pain instead it seems like it's making it worse. And the
pills given to me by Phila's brother are just as useless as the
cream. For now I need to start begging my mother to let this
go. I can't have myself prove how right my father was all this
time.
"Ma..." She turns to me with her hands diped in the water that
will be used to wash the dishes. She's not smiling like she's used
to nor is she as happy as I would like her to be. Her eyes
dimmed from allowing any light through. "Can... may we..." I
sigh. I don't know how to go about this in a respectable
manner. "What is it Buhle?" She is really mad. She normally
calls me baby which is sweet because her tone just yields to the
love souring inside of her. "Ngicela (please)... could we please
not inform Baba about this." I say slowly bitting my bottom lip.
"About what?" She asks then goes back to washing the dishes.
"Ma please, the last thing I want is to have to deal with uBaba
telling me that he was right all along and that Phila is a
monstor." She continues what she's doing as I stand there
feeling like I'm at the edge of a cliff and my fate will be
determined by my mother. "Oh so you agree that you are in an
abusive relationship." Yoh when did I say that now? I don't
remember saying something about abuse so why? "No I am not
in an abusive relationship and no you cannot manipulate me
into thinking that I am. Ma it happened only once ok and he
apologized it's not like I am being kicked around his place all the
time." But it didn't happen once.
Phila is not a jealous man, possessive yes but far from jealous. I
know that he won't just be angry because a guy decided to
have a crush on me or rather touch me and look at me in a way
he won't appreciate. My mother is just blowing things out of
proportion. "Ok Buhle. Do whatever you want baby, just know
that I will be here whenever you need me to be." She still has
her back on me. I feel like she was too quick to give up but I
don't want to push this. I am too tired and in pain to he arguing
about something that I know I won't win. "What about..." I
don't even get to finish my sentence before she interrupts me
midway. "I won't tell your father anything. It's not my place."
No one understand me, they don't understand the love I have
for Phila. I don't think they ever will.
But it's our love. Just us two.
Twenty
***UNEDITED
***UNEDITED
Ngikhalela yena ngoba akhekho omunye (I cry for him because
there is no one else.)
Today was ok, it was fine. Just smooth sailing until a girl around
my age came and sat right in front of me just as I was on a date
with Phila. He left and said he needed to use the loo and so
here we are with this woman sitting here staring at me with
eyes filled with pain and sorrow. It is actually disheartening, I
am trying to understand why she is just sitting here not saying
anything. "Can I help you?" She smiles slightly as if she's in
reminiscence. "You look just like my sister. Lighter but definitely
alike." Ok?
"Its just a matter of time until you just end up just like her."
What is really happening right now? I mean I was just sitting
here all alone waiting for my boyfriend to come back and here
comes this woman out of no where. "I don't understand." She
pulls closer to me as her eyes fill with tears which she tries to
blink away. "Uzokubulala (He's going to kill you) uPhilasande
Mabaso and his family, those people are just going to cover it
up, make it as if it was never even there. Run, as far as you can
ngoba uzokubulala lamfana. (Because this boy is going to kill
you.)" I'm stunned. I am just shocked.
"Sisi w-who are you?" My heart is pounding out of my chest. I
don't know if it's because he has already hurt me already or
because I have heard this all before. I heard these very words
from his own brother which I ignored but now it's a stranger. A
stranger is saying all these things to me and I don't know how
to react. "My name is Zethu my sister Zama was one of his
victims. You need to leave before he does the same thing to
you." I have never heard of a Zama before. Who is Zama? "He's
coming uhm... search Zama Mazibuko. Please sisi." She says
before walking away as if she wasn't here a few seconds ago.
I feel a cold gentle push to my cheek and notice that Phila has
laid his cold lips on me. I smile as he sits down right opposite
me. " Where were we?" I don't know. Do I tell him or just forget
it ever happened? One thing I do know for sure is that I am
definantly going to do my research on Zama Mazibuko. "Haiibo
MaKhumalo, ngikhuluma nawe phela. (I am talking to you.)"
This whole thing is going to drive me crazy. What would he
even do to the poor girl? I mean if this is actually true if he
killed Zama Mazibuko then why? For what? I'd like to say I
know him but I don't. I honestly don't know who Phila is.
"Sorry you were saying?" He looks into my eyes as if in a daze
before flicking it off. "If you're not well then we can go home
Buhle. There is no need to be here." I shake my head no a
couple of times trying to get my head to function better than it
has. "I'm sorry just thinking about something. Kodwa now I am
going to uhm... pay attention. I promise." I give him my best
smile hoping that he buys it and thankfully he does.
"Ngiyakthanda MaKhumalo. (I love you.)" Why does that sound
so different all of a sudden? It sounds like it's laced with
threats. "And I love you Mr Mabaso." He gives me his best smile
as we continue with out meal.
1
I love Phila and I feel like lately I try and plead with myself so
much to keep that mindset in my head. I know I love him
otherwise I wouldn't have put up with everything that he did. I
feel stupid most of the time but this certain belief inside of me
is driving me insane. The belief that he made a mistake and that
he loves me, that he would never hurt me again.
That is the main thing that is keeping me in this relationship
love... if this was the old me, I would've long ran away as soon
as it first happened but this isn't the old me. I feel like I have
somewhat changed into someone that I myself barely even
know. Here I am searching through our famous well known
Google for a Zama Mazibuko and what I find about it is
confirmation to what I already knew or thought. This is just the
nail to the coffin.
"A young woman's remains were found butchered to death at
an abandoned building in the north of Kwa-Zulu Natal." First
artical said. The next one suggested that she may or may not
have been murdered by a serial killer because of how gruesome
the scene was found. Some suggested that it was a ritualistic
killing which she unfortunately was involved in but just as I
thought that this was just not making any sense to me, her then
boyfriend Philasande Mabaso's picture was there and the
suspicion that he may have been involved in the killing of Zama.
I felt like my lungs ran out of air. It's just a suspicion right? His
not a murderer? "Standwasami yini (what's wrong my love) I've
been calling..." he pauses as he stands behind me, probably
looking at the article on my phone with his name boldly written
on the screen while my hands tremble with fear.
"Standwasami..." I hear his footsteps walking towards me and
then his face is suddenly on my face. His eyes just look so
scared right now. I have never seen him so frightened before
today, he is even more frightened then the day he fractured my
ribs. "Ple...Please allow me to explain." That should've been the
biggest 'red flag' as people like to call it but it wasn't.
1
I didn't notice how his explanation were just filled with endless
gaps that needed even more explaining. I didn't notice the way
his eyes twitched as he explained to me. I didn't notice his hand
signals that just kept waving about. I didn't notice all of that. I
just thought that he explained himself well. I was filled with the
notion that everything was fine. I was ok with the fact that
Zama's sister came to me in warning because her sisters life
was lost in the hands of someone. I don't know if he did it but
his behaviour when explaining to me told me spoke volumes
rather than his voicewhich left me thinking about a lot when it
comes to Phila. It made me question whether or not I wanted
to lay my life in this man's hands after everything that I've just
learnt.
I struggled a lot over the next few days that followed the whole
Zama thing. I felt trapped in my own mind because I want to
leave him but deep down I just want him to hold me till forever
comes but first I need to be alive for all of that. The question is,
was I going to remain alive with Phila or without him in my life.
If I was so believing in supernatural things I would say that I was
bewitched by him so that I'll never leave him no matter what I
wanted, that I centered my entire life around him. I'm starting
to go through all of this and I notice the littlest things that I
never thought about before. Like the fact that I cried more than
the when I smiled with him.
I was in pain more than I should have and yet I still declared oh
with so much power that I loved him and I couldn't leave him.
That it was a mistake and that he would never do that again.
Then my mother's words came to me and thinking about it now
that I can say that I am sober minded, I know that Phila falls
under the abuser category.
I am afraid of what happens the next time whatever that was in
his eyes happens again and I am left shaking in fear of the
unknown. Do I want to be living like all the women I've read
about on the blogs, novels and newspapers where they stayed
because they were in love? Am I ready for such a commitment?
Am I willing to erase myself in order to fulfill the wishes of a
man I love? Am I always going to have to go back and forth with
my mind wondering whether or not it was a mistake or not? I'm
too young for all of that responsibility so therefore I am not. I
am not ready to be categorized as a victim of physical abuse. I
am not ready to give up my life over to a man's hands hoping
for a miracle because truely I don't think there will ever be one.
I have all these people that truely do love and acknowledge my
existence yet I compromise my life for the love I have for him. It
makes no sense yet I have been doing that for months now and
something about Zama Mazibuko' s story spoke to me. It taught
me that it can be anyone, that it can happen to anyone. She
was young, a beautiful upcoming neurologist that gave up her
life and career to satisfy what Phila wanted and in many
aspects I am just like her. I am willingly giving up something
that I have dreamt about since I was a child just to fit in. I know
he never physically said that he doesn't want a working woman
but something in me just thought it would be better that way
and so it faded away.
My dream of being something big in the world just vanished
like it never even existed to begin with. The dreams and
aspirations I had accumulated to nothing all because of love,
that's what I think it is. That on its own scares me. How did i get
from being a young strongwilled woman who wanted nothing
more than to achieve something that was so huge and
uniformed to giving up all of that because I was in love. I gave it
up because I thought that was something he would want
eventually and maybe he will. How did we even get here
honestly I want to know?
When did I pause my heart?
Twenty-one
Unedited***
Ngi didekile (I am confused)
I've been contemplating whether or not the decision I've taken
for myself is a good one or not. I sat by myself, no influence, no
voice speaking over me or for me. I thought of myself and I
decided that this was not the kind of future I wanted for myself.
I don't want to be that woman who covers up for a man that
hurts her. I don't want to have excessive make-up on my face
because I want to hide the scars and bruises that he left. I don't
want to wake up one day and hate him with everything in me
because Lord knows I love Phila, sometimes it feels like I love
him too much.
This type of love is unhealthy. This kind of love is toxic and
insane. Sometimes being selfish is the only thing left to do. I'm
not doing this to please anyone nor am I doing this to make
them feel better about themselves or anything of that sorts. I'm
doing this because I want to look at myself in the mirror and
not see Phila's girlfriend but uBuhlebethongo Khumalo. The
woman that I have been made to be and not what I think is ok
for me. Not what I feel. Looking at him in the eye at this very
moment I see a side of him I've never seen before,
vulnerability.
His eyes heavy with tears and pain. He is a mess of sorrows
which dampens up my mood. His attire looks unattended to
and his hair is just as messy as everything else. I don't
understand how a person can take such a drastic change in a
matter of days when I just saw him two days ago. What would
be such a mood damper that he looks like this? "Uright Phila?
(Are you ok?)" The words fly out of my mouth as quickly as the
storm brews in the sky late at night. He drags along a sigh
before pulling the door of his apartment open and allowing me
in.
The question of how he can afford such a place still lingers in
my mind but the question remains unanswered as I remember
the unofficial group him and my father are members of. I walk
inside as the sight remains as it was the day I left this
apartment on a journey home. "uMa u..." he left out a shakey
breath as he begins to shake right before he plops himself on
the coach looking exhausted. "uMa useshonile. (My mother has
passed on.)" His tone remains cold and empty but his eyes keep
resembling the amount of pain that soars through him.
I sit besides him trying to understand who in fact died but
whoever it is left a whole in his heart. He looks like his world is
crashing down on him and there is nothing that he can do to fix
it. I grab his hand and draw small circles on them. Letting him
speak his heart out would be a good idea had I not known what
kind of a person he is. I feel as though Phila has issues off of the
fact that he absorbs every emotion until the lid can no longer
close itself and so it explodes onto the people he loves. What
ever spiked his first emotion caused a fire deep inside that
eternally burns and continues leaving scars behind, some of
which he can't take back.
"Do you want to talk?" He shakes his head laying it onto my
chest before closing his eyes as tears cascade down his
beautiful face filling it with unspoken truths and hurt. I connect
my finger in his scalp and drag it across his hair trying my best
to comfort him the beat way I can. Humming a soft tune that I
grew up listening to and caressing his back with my other hand.
Gently drifting him off to sleep with tears all over his face. As I
lay his head gently on the couch I stand up with realisation of
my true intentions of coming here. But even as cruel as a
person can be I would never dump him as he grieves, that
would just deepen the wound.
I don't want to leave a broken Phila behind. I want to leave a
Phila who understands that he needs help and to heal, not for
me but himself. I pace around the room for a moment or two
being interrupted by the loud knock on the door and as deep as
Phila is in sleep he would not hear this persistent knocking and I
know if it continues it would stare him awake. I open the door
revealing a worried looking Pefumla, a brother to Phila that I
was once introduced to. He is the rude brother that also
warned me against his brother so honestly his story is a weird
one.
His eyes travel to the sleeping Phila laying his upper body on
the couch while the rest of his tall self just has itself on the cold
tiled floor. "Sawubona. (Hi)" I greet him back after allowing him
in. "Unjani? (How is he?)" He says referring to Phila. I have no
words to explain how he is but I know that he is not ok. "He is
not ok Bhuti." I may have a certain distaste for him but he is
worried about his brother, the least I can do is accommodate
him for the time being. He sighs running his fingers through his
face. "Phila's mother was one of the only people that were able
to keep him together. Now she's gone. I don't want you to feel
like I am putting pressure on you but please just be with him for
now because he will blow up and when that happens, a lot of
people are going to be hurt."
When his last words crossed through my ears all I could see was
the picture taken from Zethu Mazibuko's last picture on social
media. That on its one fills me with great fear. I suddenly feel as
though my throat has dried up. "He may look strong but trust
me he is one of the most fragile people I know." He said he
wasn't putting any pressure of me but that feels like pressure
on steroids. I am already stressed about the possibility of
ending up like Zethu and now this. How does this all happen
when I have finally made up my mind on this whole
relationship? "Please Buhle I don't like you much but please
don't give up on uPhila please..." he begs.
"Are you not the same person that told am to leave him, that
he is not good for me and now...?" I am trying to understand
why he warned me against him to begin with and now this?
"That's because I know my brother, I might not have grown up
with him around but I know him. He needs you Buhle. He may
have a funny way of showing it but he really loves you. Uzofa la
uyo fela khona uPhila MaKhumalo. (Where you die he will too.)"
What is happening? And why is this all happening now? Today
of all days. I look towards Phila seeing that his mouth has
slightly opened just proving to me that he hardly slept since
two days ago.
3
"Ushone nini uMa? (When did Ma pass on?)" I have no idea
why this question passes through my lips but it does which
leaves me startled but anxious and needy for an answer. "Two
days ago." It's like I've always known the answer to my question
but affirmation was all I needed. I sigh feeling like the world
that I took away from my shoulders last night has found it's way
back to them dropping me to my knees with tiredness. The
silence that lurks through the room with only but Phila's soft
snoring heard makes me even more anxious. I want to be here
for him but how can I do that without him hurting me and
without me feeling even more attached to him? How do I do it
without the love inside of me growing even more dangerous for
him?
I am conflicted with having to choose myself and be seen as
selfish or choose love and best myself up for it every single day
of the rest of my life because I chose something that everyone
else wanted instead of me. What do I do? How do I even go
about doing what ever it is that I am meant to do? I really want
to be leave him but now? I don't know anymore. I don't know
whether I can survive a day without Phila never mind my entire
life without him. That I just don't think I can do.
"Thank you for being here I guess." Pefumla is such a weird
man nonetheless he walks out after saying that asking me to
tell Phila to call him once he awakens. But now that we're here
what am I going to do going forward from all of this? Now I feel
even more trapped than I've ever been. I need a wah forward.
Oh Nkosi ngenze njani? (What should I do oh Lord?)
Not edited...
Twenty-two
No Makoti abazenzi lezinto emzin... mina pho ngone bani?
(Wives don't even do this in their in-laws home... )
The funeral preparations were happening and yet Phila has not
uttered even a single word since he woke up. His eyes look
empty I feel like he is even more cold then he was previously.
His arms have been wrapped around my body the entire day if
he's not doing that then he is telling me to leave him alone,
that he needs space. I don't know what to even do anymore. I
am trying my hardest to be here for him as much as possible. I
go out of my way to make sure that his mother will have a true
and honest farewell but sometimes it gets hard because Phila is
just... sigh.
I've been travelling to and from school and I am hardly even
home so I don't even know how my family is. Every time I leave
it's another story to him that I am leaving him alone to grieve
when I promised that I'll be there for him and honestly
sometimes it just gets a little heavy on me. I'm trying my best
but he just makes it as if I do nothing the entire time. Not to
mention his family who are just so difficult at the moment. His
step mother who is his father's wife hates me to the core and
his other brothers God those ones don't even give me the time
of day.
"MaKhumalo" I am always here to a point where some of my
clothes have found a place in his closet. "Mhmm" I turn to him
glaring at him as his heavy head lays on my thighs while his
eyes stare deep into mine. "Ngicela ulale lana
namhlanje? (Please sleep here today?)" This is about to be yet
another fight. "I can't Phila." He raises his head from my thighs I
guess it's already a fight. "So awufuni? (So no?)" I sigh honestly
this is getting tiring. We are always on each others throats
about why I can't stay here longer like he wants me to or why I
can't sleep here. "I have school tomorrow futhi nje sengiyam
delela uBaba manje Phila...(I'm already disrespecting my
father.) I am always here sengze ngiyazenzela kwakhe. (I do as i
please in his home now.)"
"Ngizoku hambisa eskolweni MaKhumalo. (I'll take you to
school)" What I hate about this is that he cannot take no for an
answer and that his voice always conceals his emotions so
when he's angry I never know because his tone is just always
calm. "Ngeke ngikhone Phila. I can't. I'll be here tomorrow first
thing in the morning before I head to school and after that I'll
come here again. Please understand." He turns to look at me
for a second before averting his eyes away as if they were
never on me to begin with. I don't know what he's thinking, I
don't know how he feels. I'm at the edge of my seat just waiting
for what he'll say or do.
"Uyangithanda Buhle? (Do you love me?)" That was
unexpected. Why would that just pop up right now all of a
sudden? Why would he even question my love for him? "Yebo
ngiyakthanda Philasande kakhulu futhi. (I love you a lot.)" I
don't even waste time saying this because it's true.
You know some girls get this weird thing happen to them
where they feel like their entire life stops and everything
around them whenever they are with the person they love.
Some know that they are in love after all the gifts and the guy
proving to them that he is worth their time. All Phila did was
say 'sawubona' and I was already head over heels in love. All he
did was look me in the eye and I knew what my heart was
telling me.
What I am trying to say is that you may think you need
reassurance and all the gifts and materialist things in the world
to think that you are in love with someone but that's not always
the case. You and your heart know when you fall in love and
when that happens you can't stop it nor can you avoid the heat
that comes with it. When you're in love you want nothing else
but to be by your partner's side all day everyday. You just know.
"Ngiyakdinga Buhle... (I need you) I'll...ngiyacela
Standwasami. (Please my love.)" The vulnerability shows again.
I am surprised that he even said that.
"Ok I'll call my mom." He nods before walking out of the room
leaving me deep in thoughts. Why did I just do that? What will I
even say to my mother and what happens when Bab'Khumalo
comes here guns blazing and shoots Phila yet again this time
seriously injuring him? Then what?
1
Phila's family is a very weird combination of just akward
blending. Phila and three of his other brothers have different
mother's but they all share the same father. Their father who is
Bab'Mabaso has about 7 kids including Phila and Pefumla all of
which are just different and rude in their own way. So four of
them, Phila included have their own mother's meaning all four
of them each have his own mother. Then the last three children
have one mother who is Bab'Mabaso's current wife, Cruella
much.
All seven of them are boys and they are all different in their
own way but they definantly look alike because of how strong
Bab'Mabaso's genes are. With that said all six of his brothers
hate me, wait they despise me as well as Cruella the wife. I
honestly don't care except when they try their level best to
make my life a living hell which just infuriates me. I mean they
are old enough to know the difference between good and bad.
They should not be given behavioural classes on how to at least
pretend.
"Ma uhm there is a project at school that I need to complete
before tomorrow so I was wondering if it was ok if I sleep over
at a friends house so that I can do that with the help of
someone else?" All I can hear is her breathing over the phone
before her voice speaks over. "I'm not stupid Buhle it's fine
sleep over at that boys house. I'll speak to your father. Just
don't get pregnant." Here I thought I was convincing. I guess
not. "Thank you mama. I'll call you tomorrow." She hums
before the line goes dead. At least that's over and done with.
Now to go look for this man I call a boyfriend.
One thing no one ever tells us girls is that the possibility of
being someone's wife without actually going through with the
whole 'will you marry me' or 'I do's'l is very high. I mean here I
am at Phila's homestead going around the entire place cooking
and cleaning where there is a need for it. I am busy walking up
and down in a dress with a doek on doing the Makoti duties.
Duties that already have owners yet here I am. "Ngixhele la
weh ntombi ka Phila. Uthi ubhekwe yini la? (Tell me here, what
are you doing here?)" asks with much distaste in her tone.
"Ngilethwe uPhila Ma. (Phila brought me here Ma)" I'm not
allowed to reply her in English. I tried and she basically told me
to talk to someone else using the language but not her and
thats me saying it in a nice manner, what she said was worse.
This woman is hectic honestly. "Ngithi ufunani lana ntombi ka
Phila? (I said what are you doing here)" I don't understand the
question.
If she's asking what I'm doing here then I myself don't know
what I'm doing here. I just woke up and Phila told me that we
were going to his homestead and that was it. I have no idea
why I am even here. So I can't answer her question. "Yazi
umuhle futhi ubukeka ngathi uhlakaniphila futhi, kodwa la... la
ufunani sisi? (You are beautiful and you also look like a smart
young woman but i want to know whar you are doing here.)"
1
I bow my head down in an attempt to shy away from the
question. "Ngicela ungavumi lento uPhila afuna ukukwenza
yona. Ngicela uzame ukungamthandi sisi ngoba uzok mosha
uPhila. Uzoklimaza uPhila sisi. Hamba kusane skhathi. Uyagula
ekhanda uPhila... udinga usizo.(Please don't allow what Phila is
trying to do to you. Please try and unlove him because he is
going to ruin you. He will hurt you. Leave while there's still time.
He is mentally ill, he needs help.) "
3
Why does everyone want me to leave? Why do they think it's
that easy to just leave. I can't stay a day without thinking about
Phila. I can't even go on with my day without hearing his voice
and his advances just make me melt. So how do I just let that
go and forget about it?. I tried I really did but it didn t work.
That's why I'm here. What now catches my attention is her last
statement. What does she mean about his being mentally ill?
Just as I am about to ask her though...
"MaKhumalo." Speak of the devil. I stare at him as his father's
wife stands in front of me with daggers shooting at me. He
walks closer and wraps his arm around my waist placing his cold
lips on the side of my face. "MaMkhize, kwenzenjani? (Is there
something wrong?)" She doesn't move her eyes from me. She
just continues staring. "Lutho (no)" she turns around and leaves
us. Leaves me thinking about how easy they think it is to leave
him. Leaves me going over the possibility of him truely being
mentally ill.
Now is it love or stupidity?
***this week has been giving... hayii nina I'm too young to be
going through such. Hope you enjoy this chapter and apologies
for the lateness.***
Twenty-three
NOT EDITED*******
Inhlungu zidalwa ngabantu esbathandayo. (Pain is caused by
the ones we love.)
All was done and dusted and now reality kicks in for most. I am
sure losing a mother is not the easiest thing to live by. This
though does not mean that you now have the right to treat
people like they mean nothing all of a sudden. I for one didn't
grow up with one but I know the pain of her absence in my life.
I understand that it feels like your heart has grown without
proper nurturement but I don't go around treating everyone
else that cared for me like irritating spoilt brats.
His different now, more possessive but far away from me. He is
here one minute and gone the next. He utters the three words
then all of a sudden it just feels like they never escaped his
beautiful crafted lips. I am in constant battle with myself due to
the lingering but far love that I would love to recieve. He makes
me feel like I am nothing somethings which hurt. Loving
someone who seems like his feelings are made out of
chargeable wires and you feel like sometimes he is one and
other times he is nor. Other times being these couple days
since I've been back home.
The feeling of loneliness when there is a room filled with
people who are overjoyed that you are here and that you're
back yet your heart only longs for one person to be as happy
and excited as they are. He isn't though. He barely calls, he
hardly answers and when he does you can detect the irritation
that comes with it. He doesn't care that I want him to be ok. He
doesn't care that I love him so much that him acting the way he
does hurts me. All he would care about though is seeing me
with a guy, beating him up and threatening to hit me if I ever
did it again.
1
All he cares about at this very moment as i stand as a witness to
attempted murder is him punching an unconscious man while I
stand by the side of the scene crying and begging him to stop.
He didn't care to check the 20 missed calls that I left for him. He
didn't care to send me a text that he was ok and that he just
needed space because I would've understood and I would
validate his feelings and emotions after the week he has had.
All he cares about is pushing me away from him not caring that
I feel hard on the floor with tears running down my face.
Finally he is pulled off of Bongani, my classmate. I asked him for
help with an assignment not knowing that I would be the cause
of his injury and probable death. I asked him for assistance
because I was struggling with balancing out the man I love
avoiding me and giving me the cold shoulder with my life. I
battled with all of that and all he cared about was beating him
up because we hugged. He beat up a man because he saw his
arms wrapped around my waist as I was on the verge of tears
after realization hit me that I was probably going to fail this
semester. Realization of disappointing my father yet again.
The disappointment and shame my mother would try to
conceal but would fail miserably because of my lack of focus on
the most crucial year of my life. My brother, what would he
say? How would he look at me again? As I feel the burning
touch of his hand tightened into a death grip pulling me to him
and eventually throwing me into his car before speeding off
while shouting the words "you're mine Buhle. No one else's but
mine." He didn't care for my tears neither did he care that I
now had a bruise from falling after he pushed me away and the
bruise that rests on top of my arm, purplish in colour.
When we got to his apartment, he did not care for my screams
and pleading with him that I was sorry. I apologized for
something that I didn't even know off. I could not atone to
what I was apologizing for and yet I screamed, I pleaded and I
cried for forgiveness as he pulled a chunk full of my hair
towards him and dragged me into his bedroom. He threw me
on his bed slapped me because I couldn't keep quiet the started
tearing of my clothing one by one. I pleaded with him to stop. I
kept revisiting the thoughts and the screaming voice inside my
head that told me what i needed to hear and what I should've
done in the beginning of it all.
I should've left him before he took a chunk full of my heart and
trampled on it. Now he lays on top of me grunting in pleasure
while I zoned out trying to will my mind into forgetting this ever
happened to begin with. Why didn't he hear me when I said:
"no, stop Please. Phila uyangilimaza. (You're hurting me.) Cha
Phila angfuni (I don't want to.)"? Why couldn't he hear my pleas
and screams. He didn't care because this didn't happen to him
but to me.
The pain that rests between my legs will be a constant
reminder of the part he took of me that will never be restored.
Is this my punishment, but why? I would've taken laying on a
hospital bed with broken ribs over the pain that is in my heart
right now. The thoughts and reminders of my mind turning
against him and hating myself for loving him regardless of
everything that has happened so far. Yet in the storm of it all,
the little voice inside my mind utters painfully so that he didn't
mean it, it tells me that he is sorry and he loves me. Love is not
meant to hurt like this. Love is not meant to feel like a thousand
nails piercing through my heart over and over again leaving me
numb in a bed dripping with tears and blood of something I did
not consent to.
I didn't want our first time together to be filled with pain and
regret of ever meeting him to begin with. I didn't want our first
day to be scarred by the memory of my lips uttering the many
meaningless 'I'm sorries' that he didn't even mind. How could
he not hear the screams though? The pain that was laced in the
tone of it all? He didn't hear it, or did he just decide to forget it
ever happened? How do I come back from this?
I ran home in nothing but a shirt that I had left behind in my
last visit there with short tights going slightly below my
buttocks. I had no shoes on with the speed that I left his place
in. I could hear him humming in the bathroom when I shed
silent tears before I decided to leave. I don't remember how I
got home, all I heard was my mother's melodious voice asking
me what I was wearing. "Haiibo Hlehle yini sisi? O right? (What
is wrong? Are you ok?)" As soon as those words came out of
her mouth I because a sobbing mess of nothingness. I cried my
lungs out screaming and calling out to her. "Ma... mama. Ma"
those were the only words I could utter as I closed my eyes
reliving the painful experience of being assaulted to that
extent.
"Buhle sisi yini. (What's wrong?) Nkosiyam... (oh my
God) Ntsika, Fanas!!!" He called out to my brother who came
running in ready to protect me like I know he would. His face
contorted to one of confusion as he asked the same question
that my mother has been buzzing to me since I came in. I
couldn't answer, answering meant admitting that it happened
and being ok with the fact that my boyfriend, the man that I
love, hurt me in that manner. Telling them what happened
would mean I let him touch me the way he wanted. It would
mean that I accept that it was a punishment of hugging a
classmate who was providing comfort when I was at the brim of
a mental breakdown. How do I do that?
All I want to do is sleep and never wake up because it hurts. It
hurts in my heart more than it does where it is meant to hurt. It
hurts to even think about it but the image of him on top of me
while I struggle to push him off and pry myself away from his
arms would keep me awake at night crying, wishing it never
happened. "Hle, uMa is worried about you. What happened,
was it uPhila?" As soon as my brother said his name I felt like
shoving a knife down my throat. I've never felt like this before
and I hate every second of it.
Later that day my parents walked into my room worried as ever
asking me questions about the events that led to me being here
right now, in bed silently crying and avoiding to close my eyes.
"Nana what happened? At least tell us that you are ok please."
My father didn't say a word but I could smell him in the room as
my back was facing them while I laid my head on the pillow
drenching it with tears. "Buhle, nana khuluma sifunu ksiza
bandla. (Say something. We want to help you.)" She pleaded
again but all I did was cry. I didn't want it to be true and even
after so many hours after it happened I was still not ok with it
being real. I felt unclean and in pain.
I felt like my thighs were burning me alive as the throbbing pain
lingering in between reminded me of what happened. How do I
survive this and why is my heart still telling me that I love him
regardless of all that he has managed to do? It hurts the most
because I would've never thought of this being my current
reality. I wouldn't have thought of him nor would I have
brushed him using this colour paint. But now he did that all by
himself.
All the warnings, the little suggestions of what he is capable of.
The memory and lingering existence of Zethu Mazibuko stuck in
my brain like gum on the floor. All of which told me the same
thing but I never listened regardless of what he does to me, all
the hurting physically and emotionally, all the painful memories
both physically and emotionally left a big scar in my soul but
neither of them surpassed the pain that stood inside of me
today. If I could I would just take my life but that's not how my
story ends. If I could I would just disappear and forget I ever
existed but that's also not how my story ends.
The dreadful honest truth that stares back at me is the
possibility of still loving him like before or better than I did.
That sinks my soul deeper into the pitiful dark hole that calls to
me asking me why I let it happen in the first place. How did it
even happen?
I didn't want it to happen though, who would ask to be
assaulted in such a manner? I didn't want him to do it but he
did. I can't forget about it because his scent lingers in my nose
regardless of the fact that I've already bathed three times. I
should report him right but I don't want to. I am left broken yet
I still put him before me. I still think of his needs and wants
before my own. That just shows insanity and lack of selflove but
I... I don't even know the meaning of love itself if I let that
happen right? Do I even know what love is and can I identify
with certain people on what it is meant to feel like.
He took a piece of me that would never come back again and
yet I forgave him. I did, funny right? I went back the moment he
called and put it all behind me. The problem with storing your
emotions at the back of your mind though is it all comes back
like a storm on a normal day and ruins everything on sight. It
leaves you nothing but a shell because you chose to forget
about it. You chose to put it all behind you but eventually it
catches up to you and takes control of you taking everyone you
love with it as well.
My story doesn't end here. This is actually the beginning of all
the terror and love that is to come. This is where it all began
and this is the one first testament. Love sets us apart but in
different ways. Actions speak louder than words, this just goes
to show how deaf some of us are. Words hurt more than the
physical but we just put it all behind us because we can.
Pain is just one second away but sometimes it comes in human
form. We all suffer from one thing or another and sometimes,
someone suffers from something greater. I didn't know, I don't
think it would've made a difference had I known. It wouldn't
have prevented this from happening neither would it have
prevented me from going back, listening to the sorries and it
would never happen again with a clean conscious staring into
his confused mirror eyes.
He was supposed to love me like I love him... did he though?
Love me less?
Twenty-four
*****NOT EDITED*****
Ngizithandela abazali bam. (I love my parents.)
"Hlehle nana, khuluma nathi. Sifunuk siza nana. (Please speak
to us baby, we just want to help.)" My mother says as she
caresses my arm while my father sits infront of me. I want to
tell them, I really do but how do I go about telling my father
that the very man he warned me against is the one who hurt
me so severely? I can't even imagine the words coming out of
my mouth. He is looking at me with love and affection. I
wonder if he feels the same about me right now.
"Buhle." My father says pulling me out of a train of thoughts. I
dart my eyes away as they fill with tears because of his words
replaying in my mind. All those times when my brother and him
told me to stay away from him but I didn't because at that time
I just thought he loved me and wanted what was best for me,
forgetting the fact that my family loves me more and probably
would give me the world if given a chance to.
"Ba... it's nothing." I have already articulated the words in my
mind and written a special tribute to my father off the love I
have for him. But my mouth denies me the chance. I can't seem
to voice it out to them and tell them exactly what I want to tell
them, this just seem to be a very difficult task for me. "Uloya
mfana wakwa Mabaso? (Is it tht Mabaso boy?)" He says for the
second time today. I just realised now that I have missed
hearing this man speak. I've been so occupied with making sure
I show Phila the love I have for him that I forgot that I needed
to be showered with love. I was too ignorant to notice how in
need my heart was to be showed true and honest love without
the benefits of hurting after. "Baba!" My mother reprimand
him carmly so without raising her voice or shrinking in order to
make his dominance known. He huffed before nodding his head
telling her she's sorry without it being verbal. "Sisi you know
you can tell us anything right? Siya kthanda (we love you) nana
very much and we don't like seeing you crying like you were
yesterday. Awulalanga izolo lokhu baby siyacela khuluma
nathi. (You didnt sleep last night because of it please talk to
us.)" The amount of tears that overwhelm me become too
much for me to bare. I feel them rolling down my face as my
father gets closer and just as he touches me I flinch and not
because I want to but because of a reflex. "So...sorry." he looks
at me, hurt for a moment before going back to where he was
previously sitting. Now I just hurt my own father. "Baba I'm
sorry, I...I didn't mean." He nods before opening his arms out
for me and allowing me to slowly go to him. When I finally do I
try my hardest to control the fact that I would flinch and
thankfully it helps. I lay my head on my beautiful father's chest
and silently cry out while my mother has a worried look on her
face before realisation hits her. Her eyes widen with knowing
what has happened and for a second there I don't pick up the
fact that she may know what has happened until her eyes fill
with tears of her own.
"Buhle..." her voice breaks and I quickly rise from my father's
chest and come face to face with my mother. Her eyes filled
with hurt and mine fear. My father cannot know what happend
to me. It will tear her apart more than it does my mother. She
cannot know what had happened to me because then how will
I explain it? How would I even start to come to terms with
everyone knowing. At the moment I hate myself for letting it
happen to me. I hate how I look all of a sudden and thus I
turned the mirror that was in my bedroom away from facing
me and towards the wall. They can't know. They just can't.
"Mama... I... Please no." I whisper to her but unfortunately for
me my father heard me. He starts asking about it but none of
us answer him. I can't peel my eyes off of my mother and come
to terms with the fact that my father would know any second
from now. "Baba I think Buhle has something to tell us." Her
first tear drop moves down her smooth perfectly crafted face
and falls off to her shirt as she wipes the remaining salt water
left behind. "No... no I don't." She stands up from my bed and
takes a few steps back placing her hand on her heart and comes
back again. She heaves a big sigh of hurt and holds my hand.
"Its ok nana tell him." My father is left filled with confusion as
she gently strokes my arm softly speaking in her beautiful tone
filled with love.
"Kwenzenjani? Mkami? Buhle? Yini ukhulelwe? (What's wrong,
are you pregnant?)" He says it with a tone filled with failure and
disappointment. I'm guessing the failure part comes from him
not shielding me enough from the world and the
disappointment would come from me being pregnant at my
young age without a degree. I don't want to disappoint my
father and at that moment a thought comes into my mind. I
didn't get myself a morning after pill and the possibility that I
am currently pregnant is one of the many things I am afraid of
at the moment. "Please excuse me." I've never stuttered in my
life before I met Phila. Now all I know are sentences that are
incomplete and filled with fear. "Haibo Buhle, uyaphi manje?
(Where are you going?)" I shake my head moving away from
the bed and putting on my shoes as well as a hoodie because I
am sure I don't look or so easy on the eye. As soon as I'm out of
the yard I get an overwhelming feeling that someone is
watching me. I quicken my pace and request an uber feeling
the anxiety wrap itself around my mind. Thankfully my uber
driver is a woman because I am positive I wouldn't have felt ok
being in a car with an unknown man. The fact that it's a woman
makes me feel a tad bit better than I did when I requested. I
wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I had a choice besides being
here right now sitting on the waiting chair waiting for the
doctor to see me. I am filled with fear, I am afraid and for the
first time I feel so alone. I feel like the possibility of
disappointing my family has suddenly become a reality. I don't
want that though, I don't want to disappoint my father, my
mom or my brother and nephew. I don't know what kind of
pain this is but it hurts. Knowing and learning that I would
possibly have to live with the fact that I took what was given to
me and threw it away like trash, leaves me bleeding and in
physical and psychological pain.
"Miss Khumalo?" The nurse calls out as I am so occupied with
the choices that I have made so far regarding my life. Choices
that have left me sitting alone here today. He hands me my test
results and starts speaking gibberish stuff that I am clueless on.
All I am thinking about right now is the possibility of me being
pregnant. As I open the envelope while he speaks I see
something that is meant to make me happy but it doesn't. I am
freaking out and all I feel are the tears that stream down my
face while my heart bleeds out in pain.
How do I go about this?
Twenty-five
***NOT EDITED***
Inkinga zami vele zi kuluphale nje. Angsazi ngenze njani. (My
problems keep increasing. I don't even know what to do
anymore.)
I didn't say anything that day. I didn't tell my family of what I
found out nor did I tell a soul after that. I had this fear of being
abandoned like someone who has been through that all my life.
I forgot the fact that I was loved by my family and that caused
me to fill my mind with all the possibilities of what would never
happen. Yes my father would be angry but I don't think he
would resort to kicking me out of my home. A place I grew up
in. A place of warmth and safety which has just been better and
better with additions. I wanted to, but I just couldn't.
I went back home and acted like everything was ok. I acted like
everything was fine and I almost believed it for a second but
then we pulled up at Phila's drive way and I felt every little
thing that I locked up inside of my head spilling out like water
does out a tap. I look towards my mother with fear thinking of
all the possible outcome this day would leave. I don't want to
be here because I know seeing Phila would just pull me towards
him like what happened didn't happen. I didn't want to push it
aside because of the fear that eventually it will come and bite
me.
She had a reassuring smile on her beautiful face sort of saying,
'it's ok nana' without really saying it. We got out of the car, all
four of us with no presence of my nephew. I don't know what
happns to that boy lately. We were welcomed in by his
stepmother as well as father and an older man that I couldn't
recognize. I had a doek over my head after my mother asked
me to. I had a long dress on as well as a shawl over my
shoulders. For a moment there I looked like the perfect Makoti
but the reality of it all was coming to terms with probably being
Phila's Makoti.
"Sanibonani boKhumalo. (Greetings Khumalo's)" The older man
greets us with so much authority in his voice that the kindness
seeping through his words was unrecognizable. We greet back
and are allowed to sit down. This family is huge. I notice all the
brothers and all the Makoti's of this family. Some of which I've
already met while it's the first time I am meeting the others. I
sat there on the couch next to my mother quietly so not
knowing why we are here for. Phila was not here but his scent
could be smelt by anyone who paid the slightest attention to it.
It irked me out that I could smell his fragrance all around the
room. It gave me no comfort but only intensified my anxiety
and nerves at that given moment. I kept my eyes on my thighs
as we were offered beverages which we politely declined.
"Kwenzenjani, kungani si la? (What is wrong and why are we
here?)" My father asks getting straight to the problem at hand.
"Ingane yethu imoshile kini manje besisacela uxolisa nje
ngomdeni. (Our son has committed a blunder towards your
family? for that we would like to apologize as a family.)" This
spikes my attention. Does this mean Phila told his family about
what happened? But why? And where is he? Shouldn't he be
the one to answer for his faults rather than his entire family?
"Wenzeni yena? Uyishayile futhi ingane yam? Buhle? (And
what has he done? Did he hit my daughter again?)"
I look at my father shaking my head fighting off the tears that
threaten to pour out my eyes. What he did was worse than that
off a beating. He scarred me for life. "Cha Mntungwa erm...
ukuthi nje kube ne nxabano phakathi kwabo manje ke besicela
indodakazi ixole. (No there was just a little argument between
the two of them and in saying that we plead with your daughter
to find it in her heart and forgive him.)" It's not as easy as they
make it out to be, forgiveness that is.
My father is frustrated because the old man is speaking in
riddles. A frustrated man like my father is not good at all. I
watch as his left eye twitches slightly before my mother notices
the same thing and lays her hand on top of his calming him
down instantly. "Buhle, wenzeni lamfana? (What did the boy
do?)" Now I am put on the spot in front of all these people
some of which I don't even know. I breath out heavily so
looking at everyone in the room then as quick as thunder my
eyes land on the old man's eyes. He looks at me different from
all of them. He looks at me like he knows something about me
that no one else knows. He stares into my soul soothing it but
leaving it scared to the core.
He just has this thing about him that makes me feel safe but
scared all at the same time. "U... uhm..." I am ashamed to say it
out loud. No one will ever look at me the same after this. I'm
not going to fool myself into believing that I was a virgin before
it happened but the way it happened broke a part of me. I feel
the tears roll out of my eyes as I start bouncing my left leg up
and down nervously trying to articulate the right sentence
hoping that I still get to keep my dignity. "Buhle..." my father
says yet again only softer while my brother wraps his arm
around my waist. I take a deep breath in then lay it all out.
"uPhila wangi dlwengula. He rap...raped me Baba."
After I said it I felt like the room went a few degrees colder than
it originally was. The sound of a needle dropping onto the
beautiful wooden floor could be heard from a mile away
compared to the sickening sound of silence that dominated the
room. I held my breath waiting for them to take it in but my
mother already knew and so she covered her face with her
hands silently crying while my father's eyes stayed on me. They
didn't falter nor did they twitch, they just remained stagnant.
Emotions started flooding his mind as realisation and the
processing of my words finally became coherent to him. My
brother's arm that was draped around me suddenly pulled me
even closer as his breath caught in his throat.
The entire room was tense. I kept my eyes onto my father's but
then it became too hard to bear. I let my head drop as tears
blured my vision making it impossible for me to see. I didn't
know what to say and the fear of looking at his family while
they judged me for this kept me crippled on my seat shaking
with the unknown. I don't know what happened next but all I
know is that my father wanted his head right that second.
"Uphi!??? (Where is he?)" He said anger seething through his
words. With every word he spoke he had this determination in
his eyes that just sent me cold. I knew he was capable of it but I
never wanted the confirmation that he really was. I just wanted
to be the naive little girl he raised.
"You know the punishment of his deeds is death. There is no
compromise. He hurt my sister and he will die whether or not
you are important members of Umbutho. K'mele ajeze. (He has
to he punished)" My brother said sounding even angrier than
my father was. Death? Umbutho? What was happening at this
very moment because I was honestly confused. My mother
held me in her arms crying along with me while their voices got
even more scarier. I have never seen this side of my father and
brother and I never want to see it again. They looked like they
could detach all their necks if given the chance to.
What is Umbutho though and why are they members there? I
pondered over this question watching as my family fought for
me tooth and nail something that I failed to do for myself.
"Icala leli Mabaso futhi uzo jeza... ingane yami le akawona
umdlalo. (This is a crime Mabaso and he will be punished for it.
This is my child not a game.)" My father added shaking with
anger and hate for Phila. I don't know how I feel but I know that
I didn't want Phila to die. I wanted him to pay for his sins but I
didn't want him to die. I wanted him to live passed seeing me
heal and being ok with looking at myself in the mirror again. I
wanted guilt to eat him alive. I wanted him to own up to his
mistakes and accept that he had a problem.
1
Death was too easy for him he needed to see me being happy
again, living again. He needed to see all of that right here while
his head is still attached to his body and his heart is still beating.
This is what I wanted. "Baba... don't kill him please..." he didn't
even give me the time of day just spoke over me telling his
family to prepare for a funeral because he was going to die.
"Baba." He sounded serious and like he already had his death
planned in his head. It scared me even more than it once did.
"Buhle hayi manje... (Not now Buhle)" my brother says without
looking at me once. Do I disgust them that much that they can't
look at me? Or am I just the disgrace that I think I am to
them? "Baba you can't kill him. Ngikhulelwe Baba..." if I
thought the room was silent before then it just went even more
silent than it was before. He turned around to look at me with
his eyes bloodshot red and his hands shaking. "Kanjani
Buhle? (How Buhle)" He didn't stutter, he didn't pause he just
asked me the question like it was normal. I shrugged crying
even more. "Ngiyaxolisa Baba. (I'm sorry Baba)" He shook his
head and muttered the word 'no' over and over again then
walked out leaving us in this place.
I am pregnant. It took me exactly three weeks, four days and
thirteen hours to come to terms with the booming possibility of
my pregnancy. I am pregnant. I wish I wasn't but I am. I am not
going to punish my baby for the sins of his or her father and I
will try my best to give them all the love and protection that I
possibly can as a mother. The baby is mine not Phila's, but I still
don't want him to die. I want him to be here when his child is
born and I am not going to deny him the chance to see and
raise his child but I want nothing to do with that man from
today onwards.
I am done with Philasande Mabaso.
Twenty-six
***NOT EDITED***
Abaziyo bayazi thina abanye ke soze sibone. (The ones that
know, know while some will just have to find out.)
If I could forget everything that has happened in the last few
months of my life I would. But forgetting it all would mean
erasing the relationship I have built with my mother. Erasing it
all would mean never meeting Nkanyiso as well as my brother.
Erasing it would mean I wouldn't be standing here today
staring at my tummy wondering how this baby is going to look
like. I'd be lonely and angry more to myself than anyone else.
At the moment I'm just weighing my options in life right now.
Trying to understand whether I'm going forward or backward.
In other news my father and I are not in speaking terms due to
him commanding me to abort the baby because of the father's
deeds and I not wanting anything to do with it. I know I
wouldn't live with myself knowing that I could give him or her a
life that I denied them. I didn't choose to be pregnant but I am
and in order for me to be ok with that completely, I have to
understand that none of it was my fault. Well I might just have
to repeat this school year because I'm pretty sure I failed. I've
been cutting school for days now, I missed my exams that's for
sure and I had an encounter with the Dean so yes I failed this
semester.
Also trying to forget about Phila has been one of my many
endeavours mainly because my mind and heart are at war with
each other with regards to him. I keep telling myself that he
made a mistake then reprimand myself for thinking like that.
Unfortunately it's the thoughts that keep me awake at night
wondering if he'll ever show up. I don't understand why I keep
defending him and thinking that Phila is innocent when the
thought of that day just sends me into panic. How do I defend a
person that broke every piece of trust I had in me for him and
anyone else?
"Buhle" my mother calls out breaking this spell of overthinking
things that ain't even important right now. I look to her as she
motions for me to follow her. I am guessing we are about to
have yet another talk where she will be analysing whether or
not I'm spiralling into deppresion. I am left confused as we head
into the living room where I see my father with a man sitted
next to him dressed in a black suit. I don't understand this
because my father has made it very clear to me that he hates
that I am pregnant so him and I being in the same room
confuses me a lot.
"Sanibonani" I do what is considered polite as I greet them
waiting for whatever comes to make it's entrance. I pry my eyes
away from the man that's sitted next to my father as his eyes
travelling all over me brings me to utter discomfort and disgust.
I don't know this man but I am pretty sure that I don't ever
want to be anywhere close to him nevertheless alone with him.
What my father says next takes my breath away and not in a
good way. "Buhle this is Mangaliso your body guard." I am left
utterly shocked."Why do I need a body guard?"
"He is here to protect you from Philasande Mabaso and his
family." But I don't need protecting from them why would I
even need any protecting when they are aware of my current
situation? "I don't need protecting Baba... I'm fine." He shakes
his head getting frustrated. "You do and my word is final." I feel
my chest vibrate with anger at the sudden command. I would
never need any protection from anyone because I am pretty
sure the whole of Kwazulu natal knows who my father is and
even if they don't why would you see me as an enemy? "A
bodyguard is a tad too much don't you think? Ma please..." I
realize that having to walk around with a bodyguard all over
would have me look like one of those girls that I hate.
I don't want to look like some spoilt brat that can get
everything she wants just by a click of her finger. I am not a
spoilt brat I have worked for most of the things in my life. I
don't have any ulterior privileges that make me better than
everyone else, so yes this is too much. "Baby just listen to your
father ok. I want to be relieved of having to worry about you
when I am not here with you. I want to know that you are
always safe please nana." They don't understand do they? As
much as I don't understand what this sudden fear of the
Mabaso's is all about, I am carrying their grandchild for heaven
sake what would they do to harm me?
I look towards this Mangaliso man and I find him staring at me
and it's not the normal kind of stare but one that makes you
feel a type of way. As soon as I lay my eyes on him I look away. I
don't trust this man so why would they think I would want to
put my life in his hands? "May I at least look for someone else
to be my bodyguard?" My father immediately shakes his head
no. "Cha we have found you a bodyguard and that's final. Usayi
ngane lana Buhlebethongo kukwami lana (You're still a child
and this is my house) and if you want to continue living here
than you will have to follow my instructions. uMangaliso is your
bodyguard and that's final." He stands up soon after then walks
away while my mother looks at me with pleading eyes.
The rest of the day just goes in a blur as I lock myself in my
room thankful that I don't have any classes because of the our
semester break. This bodyguard of theirs is standing right
outside my door as if that is normal. I cannot possibly be
expected to be ok with this can I? I sigh as I note down all my
doctor's appointments trying to figure out a way of escaping
this whole bodyguard issue without them knowing. My mind is
spiriling as I hear my brother's laughter followed by Nkanyiso's
making a smile appear on my face. I attempt to walk out but
get blocked by this wall of a man that absolutely makes me
super angry.
"Haiibo is she not allowed out?" My brother asks with just as
much annoyance and anger laced in his tone. The man lays his
arm around my waist looking at me dead in the eyes then
apologies like him holding me is perfectly normal. I move away
from him as though he has succeeded in electrocuting me in his
embrace and look away as if none of it ever happened. "Bhuti" I
say with the biggest smile I've managed to let out as I wrap my
arms around his waist waiting for him to pick me up. His arms
wrap around me feeling a lot warmer and familiar than those of
that man.
"Sawubona nawe nana ka Ma." I giggle as he says this knowing
that my mother is the only one who calls me nana. Nkanyiso
runs towards us then sort of joins in the hug making me fill with
giggles. I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard as I
have today. I honestly can say I am at my happiest today then I
have ever been.
My brother and I are left with the chore of packing away the
little scoundrels toys after he just dozed off to sleep. "Are you
also in this whole 'get Buhle a bodyguard' thing?" I ask my
brother. "Yes I am. There is no bigger pain than knowing that
you failed to protect your only sister from... that." He swallows
up his words as he let's out a big sigh. "I understand that this is
hard for all of you but I'm ok, honestly I am. And Bhuti forcing a
bodyguard down my throat is not going to make me feel any
better worse of it all when he's a man that keep looking at me
like I'm his next meal." He frowns looking at me.
"So you want a woman as a bodyguard?" I sigh maybe just
maybe this will put them all at ease with this insane idea. "It
would make me feel more comfortable knowing that it is a
woman and that she won't... you know." He nods then walks
towards me and wraps his arms around me tight enough to let
me know of his love for me but also allowing me to breath. "I
love you and I will always love you. I will try to talk to Baba
about replacing him with a woman but for now please just
tolerate him for me please..." I nod just wanting to make him
happy. He kisses my forehead goodnight and watches as I heard
back to my room.
I shut my door making sure to lock it. Just as I heard over to
take a bath before bed, the tall idiot bursts his way in almost
catching me naked. "What the hell is your problem?" I have
never had anyone make me this angry in my life but this man
fills my entire soul with nothing but anger. "You're not suppose
to have your door locked in case something bad happens to
you." What the hell? Is he even listening to himself?
"Something bad? What could possibly happen to me with my
door locked?" He shakes his head saying no one knows. I
honestly want to shove a razor blade in his eye sockets that's
how much he angers me. "I'm just doing my job Mam." I swear I
am going to kill this man. "Get out of my room." I say as calm as
I possibly can while he just stands there as his eyes bore over
my shoulders as he licks his lips. "Get out of my room before I
call my brother!" I can not always be as calm and collected as I
pan out to me. He turns around and just as I think he is leaving
he utters these words.
"Don't forget to wear the white lingerie. It just makes your skin
pop." He says this with a smirk, leaving me in utter fear.
What the...
Twenty-seven
***NOT EDITED***
Uyageza lo. Ayikho nje indaba yakhe. (He is just fooling around.)
Fear. This is one of the many things I've been living through
these past few days. I've been so fearful of so many things that
I have not even given myself time to just rethink. This man is
nothing to me yet I fear him. I fear him mainly because of what
he said to me so shamelessly and unaffected by his own words
that it made them seem fearful to me. I've been enabling fear
so much that I even thought of moving out of my own home. I
didn't want to tell anyone and yes that is one of my many
enablers, not being able to seek help when I need help.
I have decided to stop all that. I will not allow fear to be the
main determinator of my life anymore. With that said I am on
my way to the Mabaso household to seek help and I pray that
God allows them to see past my family's insults regarding their
child. I don't know what to expect but I pray that it is nothing
bad.
I stand by the front door then exhale as I let my knuckles bang
on the wooden door. How I left without being noticed, well
that's a story for another day. I am just thankful that I could. I
guess that pervet is not so good at his job. "Buhle?"
Phiwokwake says in more than a question rather as he looks at
me with confusion on his face. "Bhuti Phiwo uhm hi..." This is
weird I know. The fact that I just decided to come here out of
the blue is even weirder than me actually being here. "What
are you doing here?" He is not being rude which I appreciate at
the moment. He is just being confused and this actually brings
me confusion as well.
"May I speak to you please just for a moment." He nods as he
let's me in. I pray that their stepmother is not here right now.
I'd rather deal with the scary and intimidating grandfather than
I would the stepmom. "Would you like something to drink?" I
shake my head no as he accompanies me to the living room
where I stand in awe yet again because of the beautiful interior
of the place. This room specifically reminds me of that specific
day. I fidget a little on my seat trying to control my breathing.
"Thank you for letting me in."
"Sure but are you ok?" He asks with honest worry laced in his
tone. I manage to let out a small smile as I nod my head. This
question is triggering because I don't know the definition of ok
anymore. I'm trying to search for it deep inside of me but it
seems like I just can't grasp it. "Yeah uhm... I just wanted some
help with something. Bhuti uh... do you know any Mangaliso
Sheshe?" I need to do a deep dive on this man as much as I can
so that I won't feel like I'm overreacting everytime he looks at
me or tries to touch me in anyway. What I have compiled so far
is that he is a pervet and a very creepy man.
"Mangaliso? It rings a bell somehow but not entirely. Why, is
something wrong with the baby. Shit please don't tell me
something is wrong with the baby because Phila is going to kill
me." At the mention of his name I instantly just calm down for
a bit before it registers in my head that he just said his name
and in a sentence like that. He notices this and tries to act like
he never said it to begin with. "Is he ok?" This is a question that
has been driving me crazy for the past few weeks and I just
need clarity on it. "He is, he misses you." He responds further
calming me down. I have no idea why I miss being around him
but I do and knowing that he's fine brings me peace.
I always thought the Mabaso men were these strong and scary
intimidating men but Phiwo just changed my perspective a bit.
He allowed me to be open and to say whatever I wanted to say
without being judgemental about it. He didn't make me feel
stupid for reacting the way I did nor did he not take my
concerns for the new bodyguard seriously. I thought he would
tell me that I am overreacting or something but he didn't. It just
never came up. "I promise I will look into it ok. You have my
word." He says as he accompanies me to my uber before
hugging me and for the first time I feel comfortable hugging or
being touched by someone who isn't my father or brother.
I didn't flinch and that just showed me that indeed fear is just
overestimated and that I am going to be ok. Phiwokwake being
one of the only people that I've seen Phila comfortable with
makes me feel at ease with talking to him about this. When he
is with him he doesn't hold his guard up waiting to be hurt. It's
just like how Phila is with his father. I love that about them.
It's in these past few days that I have learnt that people do not
change. Either they have always been like that or they are
always ready to show you what they can do in order to get
what they want. This was meant to teach me a thing or two on
humanity but it didn't. I was left naive and in a nutshell I could
say mute. I didn't think that some people were capable of doing
bad things and I know this is confusing but let me get to it.
I didn't know or rather, I decided to turn a blind eye on what
most people in my life were capable of and the scene that
befalls me right now conforms it. This is the moment where
everything becomes clearer for me. Either that or I just
continue choosing to live in absolute ignorance. This is still very
confusing but I am getting there. What I mean to say is, the
amount of trust and hope we allow the people in our lives to
have over us determines whether or not we will lead a
successful life. This also includes whether or not the people are
to he trusted with such a responsibility.
I can safely say that I acknowledge the existence of God and my
ancestors but having to grow up with a father like mine I never
really partook in anything that included having to physically
acknowledge them in ways such as ukuphahla and going to
church or even praying. In these few months that I have met
my mother I have been looped into the world of physically
believing in God by praying for everything really.
I didn't know the importance of this until today when I get
pictures of me scattered all over my room. These are pictures
of me completely nude, in bed. I am in my room because I
notice the carpet in these pictures. What I don't understand are
the texts that follow. One clearly states that I look better naked
rather than in the white lingerie. The other one says he now
understands why Phila forced himself on me when he did. I say
him because the only confrontation I've had where someone
mentioned white undergarments was with that pervet named
Mangaliso. This has to be him.
He is the only one beside my family that has access to my room.
Now comes the part of the whole trust and people in your circle
thing. I understand that my family love me and have my best
interests at heart but having this man walk freely around the
house is not helping anyone right now. "Good job on letting me
do my work. If you didn't leave I don't think I would've been
able to do any of these." He says behind me while tears fall. I
can hear my heart beating in my ears and my eyes keep
betraying me with tears.
"What do you want?" This is no coincidence. This man coming
here is no coincidence and I know for sure that he wants
something. I just want him out of my life. "Mhmm that's a good
question my love. You see, you are one hell of a beautiful
woman. What kind of man would I be if I didn't want you all to
myself? Mhmm?" He is speaking in riddles while touching me. I
feel like he is burning my skin everytime he anywhere close to
me. "I want you to help me hurt him where it hurts the most."
"Him? Phila?" He chuckles deadly so. "Wow his name is always
at the tip of your tounge isn't it? Funny how he gets to hurt you
over and over again and still wins you over when we have been
here for centuries but nothing not even a piece of a Khumalo
woman." Why is he speaking like this? He says it like he's been
here over many years but that's impossible right? It is highly
impossible that a person is able to live for many years on end. "I
don't understand." Im really trying to but it's hard. Very hard.
"You don't need to right now sweetheart. For now you just
need to start being a good girl and listen to your father. You
need to start acting like everything is ok if you still want your
loved ones to be ok. Or should I say alive?" Something tells me
that he means every word.
I am trying to keep my emotions at bay so that I get all that I
need from him. He needs to say more so that I know for sure
what he wants from me but for now he's not really saying
much. In this life, what I have learnt so far is that I need to do
whatever it takes to keep my family safe and if it means
agreeing to whatever this psychopath wants me to do then
that's exactly what I'll do. "Ok I'll be a good girl." And I'll do
whatever it takes to keep my family and loved ones from any
harm.
"Good girl, now where were we?"
Twenty-eight.
*****Not edited*****
*****NOT edited****
I'm the damsel in distress waiting to be rescued. Yet I wonder
who my rescuer will be.
If you had told me five years ago that I'd be here today, i would
just laugh at you. Really I would. Here I am in this house feeling
like I'm all alone even though I have all these people who seem
to be going blind with what is happening. It's taking every little
strength I have to just act like everything is ok even though it
clearly isn't. I've had encounters with my brother where he'd
ask me of I'm ok and I'd just look at him because honestly it's
been a very long time since I was last ok. I've had to just breath
through the wound hoping and praying that they manage to get
rid of him before he hurts me physically.
I can't help but think of whether or not Phila's presence right
this moment would make things easier for me. I've had
moments where I would sit in my room and just start typing
him this long message filled with love begging him to come
back so that I am ok again. Funny how I think his presence
would make my life a lot less unbearable. I'd just end up
deleting them anyway because I just keep myself locked in this
continuous cycle of never ending pain and suffering. " You
know I thought him hitting you would make you run away but it
looks like I was wrong. I mean you went and fell pregnant for
him..."
He is towering over me telling me all the things that led us
here. His confession on how he is the reason for the way Phila
reacted in certain instances leaves me shook. I am just stuck in
shock wondering how he could influence Phila into all the
things that have happened already. "How?" He smirks. The kind
of smirk that leaves you in close proximity of vomiting out the
entire contents of your life. "Easy baby girl... there is only so
much a person can do to influence someone else's ancestors.
Especially if they lie in the wrong kraal. Don't get me wrong
they do protect him but they can only do so much."
"You bewitched him..." It's not a question. It's a realization of
the fact that we've been pawns to his sick games all this time. I
didn't believe that was possible until he brought me here. This
place that looks destitute and empty. The long dry trees and
the grass that hide us from the rest of the world. The small
house that he has bought me to brings fear to me as I look
around it trying my best to capture all I can in my mind before
he does whatever it is he wants to do. "He fought, ohh he tried
to fight it but there's only so much he could do to stop it."
1
The things I saw. I saw Phila from a pot, if I didn't believe in
witchcraft before today then I sure do now. This just goes to
show that he's been three steps ahead all this time in a game
that we didn't t even know we were part of. He's been ahead of
us in a war we didn't even know off. The question that remains
now is why? Why go through all that trouble? Why me? Heck
why Phila? "You were just born in the wrong family sweetheart
but that can also be changed. Among other things." As he says
his last statement he runs his hand over my stomach making
me conscious of the baby growing in me right now.
"Please don't. I'll do whatever you want. I'm here right now
Mangaliso please just... Don't hurt my baby." He shakes his
head and stands up. He walks towards the worn out wall staring
out the window with nothing but a cold expression. I have no
doubt that he is more than capable of hurting me but not my
baby. "I'm not a monstor Buhle although I would like to. We
need to start afresh from all of them and although I don't want
to hurt the baby I don't think I'll have much of a choice."
"Yes you do Mangaliso please..." I'm yet to complete my
sentence before he snaps at me with rage filled eyes. "Don't
call me that!" I have a feeling this man has some kind of mental
illness. One minute he is nice and smiling and the next he just
wants to snap my neck off but I guess that's just the effect I
have on most people. Plus the honesty of it all could be I think
that everyone has a mental illness. "I thought that was your
name."
"It's not." He says then turns his back to me yet again. I don't
understand. He didn't tie me up nor did he gag me. He just sat
me down on this worn off chair ready to break and that was it. I
could choose to run away right this second but where would I
even go? No one even noticed that we left because I am yet to
receive a call from home. I guess that's only because we've
been out for a couple of minutes. I could send my mom a text
telling her off all of this but I am yet to know why I am here to
begin with.
"Why am I here Manga...I mean... why am I here?" I stopped
myself from saying his name in order to keep him calm. "I want
to ripe him off his humanity. See sweetheart I am going to go
out there, back to your little home and tell them all of how you
were just kidnapped by your insane boyfriend. I'll make it so
believable that your family will once again declare war against
the Mabaso's wiping them all from the face of the earth."
That's a little diabolical and yet I am not afraid of this or him.
His plan initially is to make my family hate Phila so much that
they go to war against the entire Mabaso clan.
The only problem to this is that my father is not a man that just
acts without prove. He will want to dig behind my
disappearance for months even befriend the Mabaso before
pointing fingers at anyone. His plan just has a lot of holes in it.
"You don't know where Phila is do you? I mean that's why I am
here. That's why you have resorted to this crazy plan. You want
to draw him out. You want to kill Phila..." It's like the bells are
going off inside my head. He turns to me once again only this
time he has a deranged look on his face. .
"Ding ding ding! You are really smart ain't you sweetheart? So
cute. Killing your little boyfriend would bring joy to my heart
and like I said before sweetheart, you were never part of the
plan but then you met defying all the laws against your union
even after you've been warned you still went ahead. It would
have been easier to kill him by uMuthi but you happened so
now it just got interesting. Even if I don't know where he is I still
know that he is nothing but an empty shell of nothingness
because he thinks you hate him. So stupid. Love." His words are
venomous and pain shoots right through me. He made Phila the
way he was he kept feeding him uMuthi and thus causing all
the fights.
All the times when Phila hurt me was him all along. He used us
as nothing but pawns. It hurts the most because I almost did
really despise Phila for all the things he did only to find out it
wasn't even him to begin with. It makes me rethink everything's
that's has happened leading to the day I met Phila. "You're
sick!" He laughs uncontrollably like what I said was the biggest
compliment in the world. "It's nothing personal sweetheart.
Just keeping the peace."
2
Everything he says keeps confusing me more and more. He says
one thing then decides he's tired of it then says something else.
It's like he himself doesn't even know why he did all the things
he has done. Makes me wonder who he really is. "I wish we
would speak more sweetheart but I can't. I have some families
to destroy." I can't let him go I just need one more thing just
one before he leaves so before he leaves I stand up making him
turn. "Wait!"
As soon as I got his attention he turns around and looks at me
waiting for me to finish. "What are you gonna do with me?" He
looks at me bored and utters the words, "lt'll all depend on
whether he comes out or not." Then walks away. It's like he has
all these personalities dominating his mind that it's difficult to
know who I am talking to. I am pulled out of my thoughts by
the lock turning on the door which goes to show that he just
locked me in here. In the middle of no where with no food and
water.
Now I'm left to think about everything existing and orbiting
around my life. I'm trying to figure out why I am here but also
the question seems rather rhetorical as I fear I have the answer
stacked up inside. The silence of the place is sickening forcing
myself to re-evaluate my life choices. I think of when I was just
a nine year old who knew how to throw a pinch because I was
raised by my father and he made it very known that he
wouldn't raise a sissy.
I think of all those days I spent crying my eyes out trying to
figure out why I was not blessed with a mother only to find out
that my father's family played God with all our lives. I think of
all the first times which resulted in me being antisocial and the
one and only friend I have ever had turn their back on me for a
boy. I think of the first time I fell in love with a man named Phila
and all the first times he introduced me to. The craving he had
for sweets which I thought was crazy considering he was always
this strong looking man with a hard exterior.
All these thoughts bringing me to the ultimate truth that is
meeting and falling in love with him wasn't the problem. The
problem arises when the muthi was involved causing me to
realize how someone else played God with my life. I am sitting
here in this chair afraid, something that would scare all the
people I grew up with. Fear, something that I was never
accustomed to but I learned to make a part of my life as soon
as it showed itself.
I'm here once again but this time it's different. This time I
acknowledge the true power of everything that is but me
reminding myself of all the times I sat awkward as my mother
started praying for our family in my presence.
The one question that resonates now more than anything is
how did he manage to feed Phila muthi?

****I just realized that this story is so close to reality that it

sometimes almost is for me. I have been dealing with a lot
lately and I feel like I went 10 steps backwards with regards to
whether or not it's still good enough for all. Thank you for
everything even though it seemed like I disappeared for a
while. I'm sorry for that, disappearing that is.
Twenty-nine
Isikhathi yisona engilwa naso manje. (Time is the
only thing I keep fighting with right now.)
*****UNEDITED*****
Time seems to move at it's slowest as I stare out the window
waiting for something, anything to pass by. I feel sick, nauseous
and just wishing all of this was nothing but a nightmare I could
wake up from. A nightmare that would further keep me up for
days on end after it struck it's way in. I miss my family, my
nephew who all of a sudden I think I won't ever see again. My
mother who I have only known for such a short period of time.
My brother who I will never get to see how he would look when
in love and my father oh how I would love to be in my father's
embrace right now.
The man that has locked me in here has not been back for three
days now. I am hungry, I have been surviving on water as I
discovered the tap in the small toilet. I am tired because I
refuse myself any sleep thinking of all the things he could do to
me while I sleep. I force my tired body to sit on the chair and
start rocking myself back and forth singing a hymn that my
mother would sing to Nkanyiso soothing him and moreover me.
She'd catch me staring at the bathroom door just smiling as I
wish it had been me in the tub.
Tears start showing themselves as my throat tightens and a sob
gets stuck in it. I wouldn't know why I am crying even if I was
asked. I just feel so tired it hurts. I hate that I depend on water
to survive and the man that brought me here. I hate that I
didn't fight hard enough to stay away from him. I hate that I
didn't punch him hard enough to run away when I saw that we
were driving into an unfamiliar place. All the things I hate are
nothing compared to the hate that bubbles whenever I think of
the man who is currently managing to destroy my life and
everyone around it.
The lock turns way before he walks in like he owns the world. I
don't even bother opening my eyes even when the smell from
whatever he brought with him is rather welcoming to me. "Hey
sweetheart." He says before sitting on the even worse looking
couch in front of me which looks like a home for all the insects
in the world. "This is where I grew up. Away from all the world's
distractions." Him opening up about his life shocks me as I
mange to open my eyes and force my self to stop rocking.
"Thatha la ukudla kwakho. (Here is your food. Take it.)"
He hands me the brown and yellow paper bag that has an M in
front of it. I look at it contemplating on whether to take it or
not. I don't want to die due to poison but also it would be a
more painless death compared to being shot or stabbed to
death and the safety of my baby means more to me than the
situation I am in right now. I hesitantly take the bag with
shaking hands looking at him one moment too long as I open it
up and eat the contents of it. "See I'm not that bad of a host.
Anyway what I really came here for. You need to tell me
something." I look at him fearful but also quitecurious as to
what he has to say.
"It has come to my attention that you might know where your
boyfriend is so I need you to lure him out." What? Why would I
know where he is when I have not heard from him since that
day. I stare at him confused. "You are what he thinks about
most so we are going to use my magic pot to try and find him."
I don't want to be involved in any of this. I don't want him to
find Phila either nor do I want to help him in any way. So the
look that I direct towards him make him chuckle a little before
holding out a knife onto my stomach that has grown slightly
over the days causing fresh tears to make themselves known.
"I will take this thing out of you with no hesitation as I watch
you bleed to death but trust me you will know what real pain
feels like as you look at the ugly thing while blood runs all over
you. If you think for a second that my infatuation for you will
stop me from obeying what I was called for then you have
another thing coming do you understand me?" I nod as more
tears make themselves known before he pulls me up by my arm
and drags me to the bedroom throwing me on the floor then
pulling the pot out and putting it infront of me.
It's weird considering I don't see any beads on his arms that
might indicate that he is a sangoma. He however has the power
to summon whatever it is that he summons to show us Phila's
face as he stares at the ceiling while his brother tells him of my
disappearance. "Kubi bafo (It's bad) we don't know where she
is and everyone else seems to think that she's with you." Phila
stares at his brother as his eyebrows meet causing his face to
frown at the knowledge.
"Kanjani ngoba uyabona nawe ukhuthi ngilana nawe. (I am
right here with you so how could I possibly have taken her?)"
Phila asks with much disgruntlement at the news. "Ngiyakwazi
lokho bafo kodwa nawe uyazi (I am aware of that but you
know), you haven't been yourself for sometime and maybe
nje just maybe you took her and don't..." before he finishes he
is met with a deadly stare daring him to finish his sentence.
"Angsona islwane. (I am not an animal.)" The man in front of
me chuckles before he says: "If only you knew."
"Why would I take her after everything I have done to her
already. Ngizothi ngikwenzelani lokho? (Why would I do that?)"
He shakes his head frustrated before he says more. Mangaliso
or whatever his name is starts telling me what to do. "Phila." I
whisper as he threatens me with the knife. "Phila it's me
uBuhle." I whisper yet again with tears in my eyes as he shuts
his eyes frustrated and in pain. "Get out of my head." He
mutters not loud enough to catch the ears of his brother but
loud enough to make it resonate in my mind. I pray to God that
he doesn't give in and tell me where he is.
"Phila please it's me Buhle. Please tell me where you are." He
starts muttering the word 'no' over and over again softly before
he crashes everything in sight. I am gripled by fear as he starts
banging his head on the wall in tears telling me to get out of his
head. What did he do to him? Before I know it an older man
gets into view before widening his eyes at our direction like he
can see us then starts chanting things only he understands
making the pot fill with nothingness as they disappear from our
view.
The man I am yet to know the name off stands up in rage and
throws the pot aside making it fall into tiny little pieces before
forcing his eyes onto me. I stare at him in fear before he stomps
over to me and picks me up using my clothes then throws me
on the wall. The impact leaves me crying in pain praying that
my baby is ok. I lean against the wall hoping it saves me from
the rage filled man standing in front of me ready to leave my
body with bruises. "Useless, you had one job. One fucken job
and you still failed to do that." I cry more than I have ever done
in my life closing my eyes awaiting the impact that would come
from his hands contacting my face.
"Fuck!!" He screams while throwing everything in sight toward
me which I am greatful for rather than the impact of his hands.
"Be greatful for that meal because it will be the last one you get
from me you fucken bitch." He kicks the side of my stomach
causing me to scream and not because I am in pain but because
of my baby. He walks out leaving me in the eerie room as I hear
the door shut before the click of the lock resonates yet again
leaving me crying, sobbing while my hands wrap around my
bump praying that my baby is ok.
"God please protect my child please..." I keep saying over and
over again. For me there is no one as important to me right
now as my baby. I can't think of the possibility of losing my
baby furthermore never leaving this place. I cry out as I feel
pain on my lower abdomen praying even more than I am right
now for the safety of my child. "I can't lose my child God please
ngiyacela Baba (I'm begging you dear Father) not my child
please." I find myself uttering Phila's name as I shut my eyes
while the pain becomes unbearable for me. "My baby." I say
before dark spots come to view causing me to pass out.
Please God not for me but for him.
Thirty
*****NOT edited*****
Kubhlungu...kodwa ngizolwa. (It hurts but I am going to fight till
the end.)
The pain I feel inside me amounts to no other pain I have ever
had to bear. This hurts the most because I am all alone. No one
is here for me. I am alone while I have to come to terms with
the loss of my baby and the fact that I am now all alone. When I
was stuck here knowing that there was a living being inside of
me I didn't think of myself as alone. I wanted someone to save
me because I wanted to see the birth of my child but now none
of that will ever happen.
The blood that has flooded my legs and the worn off carpet as
well as the pain that feels like someone is stabbing at my chest
and abdomen over and over and over again, keeps playing in
my mind. As I let out yet another scream wishing it was one of a
contraction rather than losing my child. My heart has just been
taken out of my chest and it hurts more than I thought it would.
The most condescending thing is that I can't stop bleeding and I
am a mess trying to stop it.
The amount of self pity, hate and overall depressing feeling of
failure comes to show only to break me down over and over
again. Now I am hollow, thinking of a way to succumb to the
pain that is in my heart which succeeds with destroying my self
worth. I am left in a daze.
I look up at the dark ceiling which shows water damage just
waiting for this house to close in on me. I feel useless and the
feeling hurts. The amount of times I have closed my eyes in the
last few days and imagined my baby crying for me exceed the
level of sanity left in me. I don't know what to do but I know
one thing is for sure. I am going to make it out of here,
whatever it takes.
The devil that has kept me captive for days on end has not been
back since the last incident took place. I keep waiting for him to
show himself praying that when it eventually happens I have
the strength to fight my way out of this hell hole. Time is ticking
away encouraging my heart to thrump it's way trying to escape
the cages within my chest. The door that is locked with a butler
gate outside of it keeping me captive within the barriers of this
house.
It felt like I had been here for years just waiting for him to come
back just once so that I can unleash whatever it is that is inside
of me onto him. I want him dead just for what he did to my
baby. I don't care about the blood on my hands or the mere
fact that I could possibly lose my sanity if I do actually go ahead
with this. I just want him dead. And so the wait begins. Three
becomes six by the look of the position of the sun and finally
the sound of his car makes it known to me that he's here.
"Hey beautiful...mhmmm what is that smell?" He says as soon
as he walks in. His eyes move to my legs and he just stares at
the blood that cover my pants before they rest onto mine. I
could've sworn I saw a little remorse when I looked into his
eyes but all of it just disappeared and there laid a cold
expression. The one that will forever haunt my dreams. "There
is water here for a reason. Are you that incompetent that you
can't even clean yourself up?" Cleaning myself would mean I
choose to forget about the existence of my baby.
Being clean would mean I choose to erase the possibility of
ever being someone's mother. How would I just willingly do
that? Why would I just choose to forget my child?
It's in that instance that I decided right then and there that I
had made a decision. A decision that would filter the way I live
from here on out. I decided to make use of choice, one thing
that I have struggled to exercise for so long that it has become
a burden to me. Now I chose to get the hell out of here and
that's what I did. I tightened my hand around the long shard of
the mirror I broke.
I didn't care for the slight pain I felt in the palm of my hand but
the adrenaline that forced me to get out of this place kicked in
and before I knew it he was laying right in front of me with
blood oozing out of his neck looking at me with horror, shock
but mostly gratitude. "Thank you." He whispered confusing me
even more before I started shaking with the reality that I killed
someone.
Before I could let all the thoughts overcome me a black
cloudlike substance flew out of the corner of my eyes. I don't
know what that means but I do know one thing. I know that
behind that door is freedom, something so simple yet
misinterpreted by most. I scrambled for the keys in his pocket
then run out after unlocking the door.
It's in that moment when my feet touched the grass and my
lungs inflated with pure oxygen that I knew I was free. Free
from my captor and mostly whatever dark magic that has
played a role in my life since I met Phila. Phila, I could've sworn
I heard his voice right before my eyes met with darkness and
the beating of my heart started fading away. His voice along
with the many sounds that registered in my mind began
sounding so distant almost like a dream.
And there I knew that it was over.
But was it?
Thirty-one
Mhlampe inhlanhla ukuba lana nawe. (Maybe it's just luck
that I am here with you today.)
The beeping that I am supposedly meant to be familiar with
right now awakens me. Flapping my eyes I look around and just
in the corner of my eye I see him. Just the way he has always
been only thinner. His arms are ripled with more tattoos than I
can count but that only hides the scares that cover his skin. His
eyes are circled by eyebags and his lips dried up like a desert.
His skin looks to be fried up like overcooked chicken. What did
they do to him?
The needle stuck on my left arm as well as the oxygen mask
providing me with oxygen stops me from walking close to him. I
feel weak but I just want to see him up close just for a second.
My abdomen feels like it's been ripped apart by a dozen wolf's
but I just want to see him up close and so I start pulling and
trying my all to stand on my feet just for a minute or two. My
heart seems to be racing just as my struggle comes to life. The
beeping might have awakened him as well, as his eyes rest
upon my face before realisation steps in.
"MaKhumalo...wenzeni uzozilimaza mama. (What are you
doing? You'll hurt yourself mama.)"
He says as he walks towards me holding me in his embrace just
as he gets to me. I feel like getting it all out on him. I want to
tell him everything but I fear that he may not love me like he
did when we met due to the influence of dark magic. I want
him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok
even though I am in doubt about it ever being ok but, I just
want him to be here with me for as long as I need him to be. I
try to speak but no words are coming out. The lump in my
throat keeps getting bigger and bigger making it impossible to
keep myself together.
"Shh it's ok Mama everything is going to be ok." His choice of
words and the fact that he called me 'Mama' makes it all the
moree difficult. How do I just not cry when it is all just crashing
on me making it hard to breath. "Shit Standwasami,
MaKhumalo... hey hey listen to me ok. Doctor!!! Shit Mama
ngiyacela (please). Listen to me, you're ok. You fought
standwasami and you prevailed, it's over. All of it is over. I just
need you to come back to me ok. Shhh" and that gets me to
focus on my breathing just as the nurses and doctor burst their
way in only to inject me with something.
The last image I have just before I pass out is of Phila's tears.
His eyes filled with sorrow, pain and agony just as my eyes
allow darkness in.
When they open I am met with a room filled with people. They
all suffocate me with their presence and the one that I am
looking for doesn't seem to stand in my view. I can hear my
father's voice clearly as he speaks to Phila's father about me. I
don't understand why they are talking about me but something
catches my attention. "She needs cleansing because of ingane."
I didn't want anyone to know about the loss of my baby
because I was avoiding having to live through it again.
I clear my throat getting their attention as my mother comes to
view looking just as bad as Phila looks. Her eyes have eye bags
and her skin has gone pale. I hope she didn't starve herself
because of me. She smiles as tears blind her eyes forcing me to
let out a small smile as well. "Nana." She whispers softly like a
feather next to my ear. I hold her hand and squeeze it just a
little. They need to know that this is not their fault. I went with
that man willingly even though I had a gut feeling telling me not
to but I did regardless of it.
It wasn't their fault and no matter how shitty I feel or how
disgusting I feel inside, I will never hold anyone else
accountable for the deeds of a man I still don't know the name
off. He died nameless to me but even through that he will live
through the pain he has caused to both families. My father sits
next to her, his eyes filled with guilt. I show him a small smile
too holding his large hand into mine before kissing it. I am
assuring them that neither of this was any of their fault and
that I am ok.
My eyes wander around the room after I have been handed to
a glass of water. I am looking for one specific person. I want to
see more of him now and forever more. I never want to be that
far away from him again and I never will be. The room is filled
with Phila's family as well as mine though I notice that two
people aren't here and that is Phila and my brother. I wonder
where they are.
"Buhle." My father catches my attention right after clearing his
throat. I have a feeling that they are about to speak about the
baby. "Uright?" I nod my head not having the courage to speak
because of the fear that I might just confess to killing someone.
Now that I think about it I feel bad because not only will his
blood be on my hands the amount of pain inflicted to me by
him will be as well. Just then the door opens revealing the two
men that are missing.
There is something missing in Phila's eyes. I don't know what it
is but his presence just unsettles me. I look directly into his eyes
taking note of how he just avoids mine. He was fine just a
minute ago when I woke up and now what? I direct my eyes to
my brother and he just shrugs telling me that he doesn't know.
Everyone can feel the sudden eerie feeling that Phila walks in
with because they are all quiet and staring at him. He takes no
notice to this as the two men start arguing yet again about this
whole cleansing.
I rub my head trying to sooth the sudden headache that has
invaded my head. "You should all go now." Phila says sounding
even more diffrent then he did when I first woke up. This
shocks everyone as they all just look at him again as if he just
said the more horrendous thing ever created. The two men
look at him contemplating before my father turns to me kissing
my head goodbye and his father just walks out with his
shoulder deflated. I don't know what's going on but whatever it
is isn't good. My mother stands with the help of my father and
walks behind him as my brother comes to me and lays a kiss on
my forehead.
"I love you." He says before walking out leaving me with Phila
or whatever it is that is in the space of him. As soon as the door
is closed his shoulders release all the tension that he walked in
with and his eyes go back to how they were earlier on. "I'm
sorry about that." He says as he walks towards me cautious of
his step just to make sure that I am not afraid of him. "You still
have..." the words come out slower then I intended. He nods
his head as he sits next to me on the bed stroking my cheek.
"They tried all they could to get it out of me but..." so he wins.
The man without a name wins after everything we have been
through he just wins just like that. It's as if all the fighting and
the pain meant nothing because he wins. Him and whoever
wanted this union to fail wins. I can only shed a few tears
wishing that this was all a dream. "We have to look for
someone else please Phila..." I say with more tears threatening
to pour out of my eyes. He shakes his head defeated.
"We can't standwasami. If we do... we're going to die." He says
looking at me sending shivers down my spine. We're gonna die
if we try and get whatever this thing is out of him. "I don't want
you to die mama." He says with tears in his eyes while he
squeezes my hand. He shakes his head as if the possibility and
reality of it all is already playing in his head. "What are we going
to do?" He shrugs before a sob escapes his lips. I collide his
head to my chest letting him cry on me. He's scared and so am
I. I don't know what now or where to from here but what I do
know is I am sticking to him through it all.
"I am not going anywhere Phila, uyangizwa?(do you
understand?)" He nods his head and tightens his hold around
me.
Through it all.
Thirty-two
****Unedited****
Ngithandwa ngi nje.(He loves me just the way I am.)
Questions are all that's whirling and swooping around my mind.
I want to know what happened. I want to know the truth
without any filters. I just want to know how it all happened and
why it happened to him of all people. He said our union has
been cursed far long before it happened, that they were afraid
of what it'd bring forth but our creation is not detailed to what
they want but what our creator has planned out for us.
1
The first question asked is "Why?" Why us, why did we get
chosen to go through all that we're going through now? "Angazi
standwasami, kodwa ngiyaxolisa. (I don't know my love but I am
sorry.) " The tears that will never stop flowing are those of the
child that was inside of me, growing into something
phenomenal. I didn't get the chance to meet him or her. We
didn't get to see them but bits and pieces of what they said was
a child forming. Our child.
It doesn't matter how he or she was created but why they were
created. I feel that they were created to give us warmth and
peace even if it was just for a little while. I wanted to meet my
baby even if it was just for a second, long enough to see them
open their eyes and smile.
"Siyakhuphi? (Where are we going?)" I ask as we walk into a
forest hidden behind the beauty that lies within the mountains.
The dry grass keeps hinting at us reminding me that I have no
knowledge of my journey. "We're going to the man that has
helped me." He says, his voice deeper than normal. That could
be because he's trying to contain whatever it is inside of him.
"He didn't get it out." I state, silently as he holds my hand into
his much bigger one. "Cha (No) that was not his intent. He just
helped me keep it away from you." He glances at me quickly
before averting his eyes back to the task at hand.
The rondavels around the huge yard is the first thing I see
before a swarm of people are seen in red and white clothing.
Beads linger around their necks, ankles and arms. They have
beautiful printed clothes wrapped around their bodies. Some
are blue and white while others are in red clothing. Those in red
have the most number compared to the ones that are not.
It seems like we are not the only people that are here today.
There are men and women sitting outside waiting to be
attended to. Although they don't look bored, I would
much rather we get this over and done with. I am tired and in
pain deep inside my heart. Phila notices my withdrawal and
places a gentle kiss on my forehead. I look up at him giving him
a reassuring smile. "Ngiyakthanda yezwa? (I love you ok?)"
Today I am the first to say, he smiles at me as his eyes shimmer
with hope.
We are attended to quite immediately as the one that I have
come to know as a twasana(initiate) helps us into the big
rondavel in the middle. We walk in hand in hand while I have a
doek over my head and a skirt on. Phila has his normal clothes
on only in black. He decided to allow me to mourn the loss of
our child while accompanying me throughout the process.
"Hawu Mfanawami. Ninjani namhlanje. Hlani hlani phela. (My
son. How are you today. Sit sit)" The old man with various
colour schemes of clothes says as his joy radiates from the
moment we enter.
"Sawubona Baba. (Greetings)" I greet as politely as I can master
putting forth the fact that I am in no mood to be around people
mainly because all they do is pity me and my never ending
problems. "Yebo ndodakazi. (Yes my daughter.)" Phila folds a
blanket as thick as he can then helps me sit down. The pain is
more bearable than it was a few days ago. He kneels right next
to me not forgetting to hold my hand. "Ngizwa bathi
unemibuzo ndodakazi. (I heard that you have questions my
daughter.)" I have no idea where Philasande Mabaso had the
time to talk to this man because he was with me since the day I
got into that hospital.
He stayed with me for days on end. He was there when I didn't
have an appetite, when I couldn't function. He was there when
I would break down after a long day of pretending I was fine.
He was all that and more and never not even once did I blame
him for our current predicament. It's the love and the trust that
I suddenly have for him that scares me. "Yebo Baba." I reply.
What I heard next is nothing I have heard before. It felt like I
was reading a movie script. " uMuthi can either build or
destroy. Kodwa lokho takes the intentions of the person behind
the act. He could have destroyed all of you had your ancestors
not been as strong as they are." I hear all he is saying but what I
don't understand is why us? I mean why just choose to attack
people you haven't even met and for what good reason?
Learning that Phila has been fed muthi was supposedly meant
to be enough but none of it was. Learning that your entire
future was planned out for you, now that is a different cup of
tea all together. The whole concept of ancestors working
through us to squash a beef of over 500 years. One that I
myself didn't think too much off. So in short we suffered for the
mistakes of our ancestors and they had to choose us to fix
those mistakes.
Unfortunately for us we had to lose our first child off of selfish
squabbles that have opened up a hole in my heart. I can never
get over the loss of my child and I feel that the more I try, the
more I feel like I am opening it up even more.
Mangaliso or whatever his name was, was sent to make sure
that the beef or rather hate that existed between the Mabaso's
and the Khumalo's continue for decades to come. He almost
succeeded and honestly I feel like he did. In a way I will always
have this undealt with anger and anguish for my own family as
well as Phila's. I don't know why or where it comes from but I
do know that it's there.
Later that day, after a long day of honest and painful truths we
decided to go back home. Home as in Phila's new house where
fresh memories would've been made had I not had the courage
to ask what I am about to ask. The bed that is the only source of
furniture in the bedroom as it was still due for renovations is
the one we are laid on today. My head on his chest listening to
his uneven heartbeat and drifting off to a world where the
journey of our love was a piece of cake.
"Let's run away." I say looking at Phila. He looks at me
confused. "Let's go far away from here. Start a new life just the
two of us." He doesn't look convinced. I need this more than I
need oxygen right now. I really want to go away for my sanity
at least. "We can't run away from our problems MaKhumalo."
He says standing up from our comfortable setting on the bed
with soft pillows. "Their not ours to run away from Phila."
These are most definitely not our problems. They are far too
complicated for youngsters like us.
We have dealt with our problems as far as I am concerned.
"Really? You... MaKhumalo you're different. You are
withdrawn. You are just... I don't think running away is gonna
solve this. Any of this. We need help spiritually, mentally and
psychologically for our daughter's sake as well as our sanity."
She was a girl. I wondered what she would've looked like. I
wonder who she'd look like. These days all I ever think off is my
baby girl and he's right I am different. I feel different.
"I can't Phila I feel like I'm breaking down. I can't function. Every
time I think I'm ok I start thinking of her. My baby girl is gone
Phila and there's nothing I can do about it." He walks over to
me and holds me in his arms. His hands travel to my face while
his eyes connect with mine. "Then let's get help. Please Mama.
I need you. I am here. I will always be here. Please..." I nod my
head yes. Deep down I know I won't be able to do it. It'll be too
hard for me to go through with.
So later that day when he left to get us some food, I went into
the bathroom and looked for something, anything to help ease
the pain. What I found was shiny, sharp and thinner than that
of a strand of hair. It was light but held conviction as I ran it
through the veined skin protecting my veins. The first act didn't
produce the amount of bleeding I needed it too and so I
repeated the process, one deeper then the last over the same
wound and just for a moment or two, I felt it. Inner peace so
overwhelming it almost swallowed me whole.
The euphoric feeling felt heavenly and so with my blooded arm
I proceeded to feel more of it on my other wrist. Over and over
I went until everything just sounded so far away. His face, his
beautiful crafted face looking at me in horror and years gushed
out of his eyes more like the blood did on my wrists. The feeling
felt amazing but the sight in front of me filled me with horror of
my decision. His face being the last thing I saw before the
darkness swallowed me whole. This time though I don't think
the next chapter will start off in a hospital bed but rather a
grave so cold and hollow.
My heart was always in the right space, my mind not so much. I
know my love will carry him on.
What I don't know though is the future of UMBUTHO!!

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55623
Sekuphelile(it's done)
Narrated
The beauty that comes with a discussion on one's life is the
most intriguing thing to witness. Beautiful flowers line up the
long walk to the big long wooded box she was laid into. White
roses just like her delicate heart and beautiful aura.
He comes stumbling in reeking of alcohol from the three
bottles of whiskey he shoved down his throat. His prayers and
hopes all flushed down as he sees the beautiful white casket
ready to be dropped down where her little angel will rest
forever. His eyes water with more tears as his heart floods with
pain. He walks to the small group of people crying silently as he
sees his worst nightmare before him. "MaKhumalo" he
whispers as he walks even closer before his brother Phiwe
stops him from walking any closer. He struggles to get out of his
hold as his arms fight to be let go. Phakade, the one he respects
more than his own father comes to view stopping Phiwe from
his silent imprisonment. "Mdedele bafo (let him brother)... He
needs to say goodbye." Phakade utters in a monotone that
would send shills down anyone's back. He stares at his brother
in hollowness trying to find any type of feeling to feel sorry for
him or rather hug him. That would be too difficult of a task for
him as he let's himself walk away and stand at a close distance
from the open grave.
Phila kneels on the red sand, tears flooding out his eyes as the
rest of the Khumalo's watch him in pity. They feel their hearts
bleed at the sight of a fully grown man sobbing for his
girlfriend. The Mabaso's stand besides the Khumalo's in antsy.
"Standwasami...vuka MaKhumalo. Ngiyacela mama. (My
love...wake up please mama)"
His words only bring about hurt in the hearts of the people
around him. "Please baby wake up. Please... I need (sniff) I need
more time with you. Ngiyacolisa (I'm sorry). Please Mama." He
sobbs even harder as reality sinks in. The truth that he will
never see her again, never hear her wonderful laughter again or
her beautiful voice. He will never be afforded the chance to
stare at her beautiful light skin that almost looks like she
bathed in a bathtub filled with milk.
Finally after an hour was given to him. Buhlebethongo Khumalo
is laid to rest. A beautiful soul meant to achieve greatness is
laid to rest. Her love, her heart and her humility will always be
remembered. By some she was defined as a warrior who
fought the battle that took her life. While to some she is
described as the one who got away. Truth is she's gone now.
Resting in eternal peace.
Inside the room where she took her life in stands Philasande,
crying with sombre seeping out of him. His left hand clutched
onto the heavy piece of metal he has. His right hand
accommodating his mouth with the burning drink that he has
submerged himself in over the last few days leading onto the
funeral. Truth is she didn't think she'd actually go through with
it just like he thought it'd be yet another trip to the hospital
where he will make her promise never to do what she did.
Unfortunately it was too late to live it all out. She had already
lost a lot of blood when the ambulance arrived. The image of
her laying in a pool of her own blood would haunt him till the
end of his days. Even after all the killing he had done, the blood
he had spilt but the only thing strong enough to set him apart
was seeing her like that. The life in her eyes had already died
down. That glint he loved so much was... gone. "Bafo wenzani?
Philasande? (What are you doing brother?)" Phakade calls out
as he stands behind his deranged brother who looks like his
soul had already left him. "Angkwazi mina Phakade.
Ngiyamdinga uMaKhumalo. I just can't. (I can't. I need her.)" He
says sniffing in between his words. His heart beating to the
sound of his heart breaking into smaller pieces.
"Do you think she would want this? For you to just take your
life like this?" He turns around, his eyes darkening, awakening
something deep inside. If it was up to that thing, they would be
on a killing spree right now ridding the world of people like
Mangaliso. "She chose to take hers, what would be so frowned
upon if I decide to take mine? Hmm?"
Phakade's face stays cold, unemotive more and more
frightening by the day. He cares more for Phila than he does for
anyone of his family members. After all they are the only two
people considered bastard children all because their father
couldn't keep his zip up which resulted in them being born in
the care of women with mental disorders as well as depression.
"You want to leave me here all alone? Is that it?" Phakade asks
with a tone that would make anyone rethink their entire life
choices. But not Philasande, he knew his brother better than
anyone else. He knew what he was trying to do. "Don't... don't
do that." He says as he sits on the closed toilet seat with his
hands supporting his head.
Both hands still very much still occupied with the half drinked
bottle of whiskey as well as the heavy silver hand gun. "What
she did was cowardly but you can't do that. It would...hurt me."
He says hesitantly as the words seem forced out of his mouth.
He needs his brother alive for his sanity or all help will break
loose.
"I hear you bafo. Ngiyaxolisa kodwa angkhoni bafo. I can't live
without her. (I am sorry brother but is can't.)" His voice sounds
strained and tired. "I did. I still do" Phakade utters his tone
softening just a little bit. Phila chuckles as he tries to imagine
his brother in love. "Yours is still very much alive bafo.
uMakhumalo..." He pauses as words seem to fail him.
Silence sounds through the entire room as their shallow
breaths are heard. "What am I gonna do without her?" He
whispers. A rhetorical question on his end not really asking for
an answer. Just closure and her. "You live better than you did.
You make her proud, you make yourself proud. You can't
change the hands of time bafo and I know deep down you also
know that whatever that thing is inside of you won't just let you
take your life like that."
His bluntness holds a tint of truth in it. But he saved him
nonetheless. Is this the end of Philasande's story? I don't know.
Is this the end of the Mabaso storyline, not at the moment.
Love heals, love loves and love appreciates. It can be in many
forms and sometimes the challenges of it are too hard to stand
with.
But love... love is phenomenal.