Absurd Words: A kids' fun and hilarious

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 A b s u rd

Wo rds

A kids’ fun and hilarious

VOCABULRY
BUILDER

for

virtuoso
by vocab
AZAR
TARA L
Tex t © 2022 by Tara L azar

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 Wo rd S q uads

G ro u p s of w ords th a t sh a re s om et h in g i n com m on

I ntrod ucti on 1 It’s Lit! 47

Words for fabulously

fun parties and festive

Note to the Adults 7
get-togethers

Itchy Feet 9
Words for journeys, adventures, Style Profile 53
and travels to new places Words to brighten, spice up,

and transform any look

H e y , Sh e r l o c k ! 23
Words used for mysteries, Head Tu rners 63
secret plans, and Words for any thing or anyone

forbidden things that distinctly stands out

and is impossible to ignore

G .O. A .T. 29
Words related to being Shock Va lu e 79
outstanding, number Words to describe the

one, the best surprising, confusing,

and mindboggling

Tu rn It Up 37
Words to describe cool What a Zoo! 85
rhythms, hip beats, and Words for all things

funky music makers rowdy, loud, and chaotic

Recipe for D isaster 95 I d e n ti ty C ri s i s 1 67
Words for when something Words to describe any

is sloppy, clumsy, or personality—from the sweet

a total hot mess and kind to the zany or lazy

Say What? 107 Stay in Character 177

Words to describe Words to describe who or

the mysteries of the what a person is—the good,

English language the bad, and the in-between

Wo rd N erd s 12 7 Body Language 189

Words for budding writers, Words for random body

passionate readers , and parts and curious sensations

other lovers of language from head to toe

Once U pon a Time… 135 Spring into Action 197

Words that have remarkable Words to describe

origins in phenomenal motions and maneuvers

stories and classic tales

Out of This World 205

Words for all things
Fa ntastic Beasts 147
Words for unusual creatures interstellar or astronomical

and marvelous monsters—

both real and imaginar y

Stretchin g the Truth 211
Words for fibbing,

twisting, and tricking

All the Fee ls 157
Words to capture the

highest of highs and the

The Bad G uy 217
lowest of lows (and the Words for villains and

feelings that are neither) troublemakers—and all their

evil plans and shady schemes

Off to Battle 227 Co mes i n Ha nd y 287
Words related to major Words for useful things (and

clashes, feuds with a few that are no help at all)

foes, and all-out war

There’s a Word for That! 29 7

Words to describe th e
Force of Nature 233
Words to describe wild previously in describ able

and wicked weather

Cra sh wo rds ! 303

The power to create your
Nom N om N om 239
Words for marvelous own fresh, new words

morsels and mealtimes

Mea sure Up! 251

Words for the big and

small, fast and slow,

straight and squiggly

Timing I s Everything 261

Words to describe special

(and not-so-special) moments

M ot o rm o u t h 2 67
Words for loud people and

those who love to chitchat

Clas s Clow n 277

Words about silliness, belly

laughs, and being a comedian

 I n t ro d u ct i o n

Words are amazing things! After all, without them you wouldn’t be

able to read this sentence. In fact, this whole book would be black and

white scribbles that mean absolutely zero, zilch, nada.

So hooray for words!

And you know what makes words even cooler? There are so many of

them—more than a million words in the English language alone! Plus,

the Merriam-Webster dictionary adds about one thousand words to

its pages every year. Some words are brand new. Others have been

around for a while, but they have collected new meanings .

The number of words keeps growing as our lives shift and change.

New inventions and experiences need new words to describe them!

But even though there are tons of words for us to speak and write,

the average person uses only twenty thousand of them. Twenty

thousand—that ’s it! That might sound like a lot, but it ’s only two per-

cent of all available words they could use—such a tiny fraction!

 Picture this: if the entire United States were covered with every word

in American English, then the number of words an average person uses

would only fill up South Dakota!

That means there’s a lot of uncharted territory out there!

A r e y o u s e r i o u s ? ?

T h a t ’ s i t ? !

But why learn more words? Isn’t twenty thousand plenty enough?

Who cares if it’s only two percent? People drink two percent milk, and

they’re perfectly happy with that!

But learning new words definitely matters. Because words equal

power.

Knowing a wide range of words means you can always say exactly,

precisely what you mean. You’re feeling extremely happy, but “happy”

just doesn’t cut it—instead say you’re cock-a-hoop! You’re trying to

describe that space between your eyebrows—you can now use one

word instead of four with glabella . Want to describe something that is

bigger than big? Ginormous will get your point across.

Words make stories more exciting. Some words are so overused, it’s

time to let them RIP—so instead of a pirate sailing the seven seas, move

the boring words aside and create a swashbuckler exploring distant

archipelagos. Instead of having your hero fight a plain old monster, let

them battle a basilisk or a firedrake! Say goodbye to wimpy writing—

watch it vamoose, watch it disappear! Become a master storyteller—a

raconteur—able to captivate or spellbind any audience.

2 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
 Words teach us about all the things we

want to know about. If you’re interested in

space, you need to know out-of-this-world

terms, like exoplanets, the word for planets so

distant they are outside the solar system. If you

play music, pick up new words like hootenanny to

jazz up your language, and if you’re into comedy, it’s

time to add in some mirth. Perhaps animals are your thing—

this book has an entire collection, or menagerie, of real and imaginary

creatures. You can be a superb meteorologist by learning rare weather

terms. Whatever subject you to desire to know about, words can trans-

form you into a wise and knowledgeable expert, a certifiable guru.

Again, words equal power. And the best thing about this book is that

-
it gives YOU the power to have fun,

explore, and learn at your own pace,

on your own terms. The words have

been organized into themes, so you can

crack open to whatever section calls your

name. And then feel free to come back

again and again to keep the fun going!

There are heaps of ways to use these

words, and by picking up this book and learn-

ing these wondrous and wacky words, you are

sure to become instantly smarter, cooler, and

more confident. These words are sure to capti-

vate, amaze, shock, and thrill you. (And once you

read this book, you’ll be able to say that you were flabber-

gasted, gobsmacked, and left catawampus with stupefaction instead!)

So get ready to write them in essays and stories. Start texting them

to friends. Slip them into answers the next time you raise your hand in

class. Discuss them at dinner and stump the adults in your life. Learn

outrageous word facts and share them far and wide. It’s time to level

up your language!

I N T R O D U C T I O N •• 3
Each entry will look something like this:

wo rd
(pro-nun-ci-A-tion), part(s) of speech

Definition(s).

Sample sentence that puts the word into use.

Sy n o n y m (s)

P a r t s of S p e ech C ove red i n T hi s B o o k

> Noun: Person, place, thing, or idea.

> Verb: Action word! Get to doing it !

> Adjective: A word that makes nouns sound cooler.

> Adverb: A word that makes verbs sound cooler.

> Interjection: A word to interrupt or exclaim!

Reduplications

Som e of the wo rds are also w hat we call re duplicat ions —

words form ed by repe atin g soun ds . A lot o f baby words

a r e e x a c t r e d u p l i c a t i o n s : bye-bye , pee-pee , tum-tum ,

choo-choo. B ut you can also a lter the re pe ated word

or sou nd to create a rhymin g redup licatio n like okey-

dokey, bees-knees, eensy-weensy, and willy-nilly. The

mos t commo n way to form re dupli cation s is by simpl y

changi ng a vowel to create a n ew word: w is hy-wa shy,

dingdong , criss cross , chitchat , s i n g s o n g , flip-flop.

Be on the lookout for reduplications throughout the book!

4 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
All throughout this book, you’ll find funny cartoons illustrating some of

the words, plus a bunch of extra mind-boggling details about others.

You’ll discover:

T h e Ro ot s

Many words in English got

their starts from other

languages. Others have

unusual twists and turns in

their histor y. Discover their

origin stories here!

Level U p!

Become the ultimate word

whiz with these additional

quirky and unexpected bits

of trivia!

Po p Cu ltu re

Words influence culture.

That ’s how important

they are! Here you’ll find

a word’s impact on A mer-

ican movies, toys, candy,

and more.
 A N ot e to t h e Ad u lts

Research has proven that academic success—and life success—is

tied to having a strong and varied vocabulary. This book introduces

children to new words in an entertaining and engaging way, setting

them up for a lifetime of achievement .

Each word in this book was chosen because of it s WOW factor.

There are words that are so much fun to sa y, or s ound so unbeliev-

able they don’t se em like they can b e real—all to encourage curios-

ity, and ultimately be gin to quench it . The hop e is that these words

will inspire kids to have a love for language. Many of the words are

ac tively being use d in all ty pes of literature today, and k ids are

sure to get excited when t hey stumble upon them and alread y know

what they mean . And don’ t forget to have fun with these words

yourself!
 c lo u d l a n d bucolic

pag o da arc h i p e l ag o

Hoodoo vaga bo n d

Eu re k a C owa bu n ga

l a by r i n t h f jo rd

ga ze bo bu n ga low

Bo o n d o c ks ja lo p y
 chy
It

feet

Wo rds fo r j o u rn e y s , a d ventu re s ,
a n d t ra ve l s to n e w p la ce s

At the beginning of every school year, teachers seem to always

want to know what you did over summer break. No matter what

you did, make it sound like an epic adventure with just the right

travel vocabulary. Make a visit to Grandma’s more exciting by

saying you gallivanted to her bungalow in the willowwacks. A quick

weekend trip sounds a lot cooler when it ’s called a sojourn. Turn a

ship into an ironclad, a car into a jalopy, and become a true globe-

trotter as you discover new ways and places to tour!

a rc h i p e l a g o
(ahr-kuh-PEL-uh-goh), noun

A large group of islands.

Hawaii isn’t just one island—there are eight of

them, so the state is an archipelago.

boondocks
(BOON-doks), noun

An area that is far, far, really far away. (Are we there yet?)

It takes nine hours to drive to Alfred ’s Aunt

Barbara’s house in the boondocks.

Sy n o n y m s : h i n t e r l a n d s , w i l l o w w a c k s

buco lic
(byoo-KOL-ik), adjective

Connected to being out in the country—the lack of

complexity is often seen as beautiful and peaceful.

Let’s take a horse ride in the rolling hills of the bucolic countryside.

bu nga low
(BUHNG-guh-loh), noun

A small, simple house or cottage.

Alfred bonked his head on the low ceiling at Aunt Barbara’s bungalow.

ca ta co m b s
(KAT-uh-kohmz), noun

Underground tunnels that are like mazes, twisting and turning this

way and that. Sometimes an underground cemetery or tomb.

The archaeologists searched the catacombs

beneath the ancient church for artifacts.

1 0 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
 T h e Ro ot s Po p Cu lt u re

There are many English The word cowabunga

words with Latin or became popular in the

German roots, but bun- 1950s because it was the

galow comes from the greeting in an old T V show

Hindi word bangla, which called Howdy Doody. Later

means “of Bengal,” a on, in the ’60s, it was

region in India. One-story picked up by sur fers who’d

houses with straw roofs often call out “Cowa-

were common in Bengal. bunga, dude!” as they hit

The British once ruled the waves and had a good

over India, so they used time. Cowabunga became

the term to describe the even more popular in the

simple dwellings. Now late ’80s, when the cre-

bungalow can be used to ators of the cartoon Teen-

describe any small house. age Mutant Ninja Turtles

made it one of the catch-

phrases used specifically

cloudland by Michelangelo, who was

(KLOUD-land), noun fun-loving and often spoke

The sk y or a fantastical with surfer slang.

dreamland.

Penelope dreamt she could fly

and live in a magical cloudland.

cowa bu nga
(KOW-uh-BUHNG-guh),interjection

A yell to express excitement

and exhilaration.

!!
Cowabunga! I conquered GA!
A BUN
that ginormous wave!
COW
 T h e Ro ot s

A dirigible is filled with gas

that ’s lighter than air, like

a helium balloon, so it can

lift into the sk y. But unlike

a balloon that moves wher-

ever the wind blows it, the

dirigible was able to be

steered. That ’s how it got

its name —from the Latin

dirigere, which means “ to

direct.” Dirigibles were a

popular mode of travel

in the mid-1800s to early

1900s.

All airships are dirigi-

bles, including blimps and

zeppelins. The difference

between a blimp and zep-

pelin is an inside frame. A

blimp has no solid frame —if

d i ri g i b l e it deflates, it’s just a pile

(dih-RIH-juh-bull), noun of fabric on the floor. A

Any airship, blimp, or aircraft zeppelin, named after the

that's lighter than air. German man who invented

The dirigible flew over the it, has a solid frame inside

football field to film the game. to keep its shape.

Sy n o n y m : ze p p e l i n

1 2 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
e u re ka T h e Ro ot s

(yoo-REE-kuh), interjection

Something you say when you EurekacomesfromanAncient

make an exciting discovery. Greek word that means “I

You should say it right now have found (it).” Legend has

because you discovered it that Archimedes, a scholar

what eureka means! who lived from 287–

212 BC,

Eureka! I discovered a new island! yelled the word after having

a bath—and not because he

f j o rd found his rubber ducky!

(fyohrd), noun Archimedeshadbeenstrug-

A long, narrow, and deep inlet glingtomeasurethevolumeof

of the sea between steep cliffs. King Hiero II’s crown because

Alfred wants to take a cruise thekingwantedtoknowifthe

to see (and maybe swim in) crown was worth as much as

the icy fjords in mountainous itsmakerclaimed.Archimedes

Norway. All aboard! needed to know the crown’s

volumetofigureoutitsworth,

fo o l h a rd y but its irregular shape made

(FOOL-hahr-dee), adjective it impossible to measure. But

Foolishly bold and adventurous. Archimedes had an epiphany

People thought Thomas Edison while taking a bath one day.

was foolhardy in continuing to try Henoticedthatwhenhegotin

and invent the lightbulb —especially the tub, the water would rise.

after a thousand failed attempts— His body displaced the water

but he saw each attempt as and added to the volume.

a step closer to success! If he were to submerge the

crown in water, he could then

measure its volume! He was

so excited that he is said to

have run through the streets

of Syracuse, Sicily, still in his

birthday suit.

I T C H Y F E E T •• 1 3
g a l l i va n t
(GAL-uh-vant), verb

To wander around for enjoyment .

Every weekend, Penelope and her friends love gallivanting around the mall.

Sy n o n y m : r o a m

g a n g p la n k
(GANG-plangk), noun

A moveable plank or bridge for people to walk on—and off—a ship.

“Arrrrr, give me ye treasure or walk the gangplank!”

the pirate warned the ship’s captain.

g a n g wa y
(GANG-WEY ), noun

1. A temporary passage made out of planks of wood.

2. The opening people use to board a ship.

3. A clear passage through a crowd (generally used as an

interjection to tell people to get out of your way).

The pirate yelled “Gangway !” as he passed through

the crowd to reach the gangway of his ship.

1 4 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
 gazebo
(guh-ZEE-boh), noun

A covered porch, on its own and

not attached to another building.

Used for outdoor lounging.

Let’s have our picnic in the

gazebo, because it looks

like it’s going to rain.

T h e Ro ot s
g l o b e t rotte r
(GLOHB-trot-er), noun The first part of gazebo has

Someone who travels the world. the word gaze, which means

Nancy’s neighbor is such to look. The “bo” part comes

a globetrotter that he is from a Latin construction

never home, so she’s always meaning “something will

babysitting his goldfish. happen in the future.”

Put the two together and

gazebo means “I will gaze.”

Po p Cu lt u re
A gazebo is for sitting out-

side, but it’s supposed to

The Harlem Globetrot- have a great view too.

ters are a basketball team Just to make things con-

unlike any other. They show fusing, the first recorded use

off fancy tricks and skills of gazebo referred to a Chi-

while playing, passing, and nese tower, so everything

dribbling so fast it makes you just learned may be

their opponents’ heads false, and gazebo may come

spin. As the name hints, from an Asian word instead.

they have traveled all over No one really knows, so

the world performing their just enjoy the view!

basketball hijinks.

I T C H Y F E E T •• 1 5
h i nte r la n d s
(HIN-ter-landz), noun

A remote area where not many people live.

In February the mountains and forests of the

hinterlands look like a winter wonderland.

Sy n o n y m : b o o n d o ck s , w i l l o w w a c k s

hoodoo
(HOO-doo), noun or verb

1. (noun) A tall, unusually shaped spire of rock formed by erosion.

2. (noun) Bad luck.

3. (verb) To cause bad luck or misfortune.

Alfred wants to hike around the majestic red hoodoos of Bryce Canyon.

Let’s hope he doesn’t break his leg, because that would be hoodoo!

i ro n c l a d
T h e Ro ot s
(AHY-ern-klad), noun or adjective

1. (noun) A large iron ship.

2. (adj.) Solid and unbreakable. The second meaning of

The Titanic was a majestic ironclad comes from the

and ironclad vessel—so people first . In the mid-nineteenth

were surprised when it hit an century, the warships that

iceberg and sank. I guess it roamed the world were

wasn’t so ironclad af ter all! built with iron and steel

instead of wood, making

them stronger and better

able to resist explosions

and fire.

1 6 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
ja lopy
T h e Ro ot s
( juh-LOP-ee), noun

An old, falling-apart automobile.

I’m not riding around in Sometimes words develop

your rusty car—it’s nothing new meanings over the

but a sloppy jalopy! years…like jalopy. When

the word first appeared

in the 1920s, it was used

to describe an old, rusty

automobile. Fast-forward

thirty years—to the 1950s—

and people began saying

jalopy to describe a hot rod,

an old car revved up and

transformed into a slick

racecar. However, it’s back

to meaning a broken-down

jun ket car that should probably

(JUHNG-kit), noun or verb be used for scraps.

A tour taken for pleasure,

to promote something, or

to collect information.

The actor went on a junket la by rinth

around the U.S. to promote his (LAB-uh-rinth), noun

new TV show about a junkyard. A maze of passages

that is difficult to find

your way through.

This corn maze is easy

to get through, making

it a corny labyrinth.

I T C H Y F E E T •• 1 7
lagoon
(luh-GOON ), noun

A small body of water near a larger body of water.

Penelope likes to sit on the shores of the lagoon and

watch the moon’s reflection in the still water.

Sy n o n y m s : p o n d , l a k e

landlu bber
(LAND-luhb-er), noun

Someone who is uncomfortable or unfamiliar

with traveling on any body of water.

Alfred really wanted to learn to sail, but as a landlubber

he was too scared to even step on a boat.

Leve l U p !

Landlubber is not simply

“land lover” mispronounced.

The word “lubber” means

a large, awkward, clumsy

person—or a clumsy grass- pagoda

hopper, as a matter of fact. (puh-GOH-duh), noun

The Eastern Lubber Grass- A Hindu or Buddhist sacred

hopper of the Southeast building that looks like a tower

United States walks and with multiple levels, with each

crawls more than it actu- level having its own roof.

ally hops. (So why isn’t it In almost every major city, there

called a grasscrawler?) are a pair of pagodas marking

the entrance to Chinatown.

1 8 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
p a ra p e t
(PAIR-uh-pet), noun

A protective wall, usually

along the edge of a castle

roof or balcony.

The prince paced the parapet

with his pet dragon, and he could

view the whole kingdom while

he pondered their next quest.

podunk
(POH-duhngk), noun

A tiny place or town that’s rural, far

away, and not easy to get to.

Aunt Barbara lives in a podunk

town, and she has to drive hours to

go to the mall or see a movie.

ro u n d a b o ut
(ROUND-uh-bout), adjective or noun

1. (adj.) a looping, circular path that does not

go directly from Point A to Point B.

2. (noun) a traffic circle.

It’s hard for Penelope to keep track of where they are

going whenever her dad uses roundabout directions.

sojourn
(SOH-jurn), noun

A trip that lasts a short time.

We don’t have a lot of time for a real vacation, so we’ ll

just sojourn to the next town over for the weekend.

I T C H Y F E E T •• 1 9
swashb uckler wa nde rlu st
(SWAWSH-buhk-ler), noun (WAHN-der-luhst), noun

A bold and bragging A strong feeling to want

swordsman or adventurer. to travel and wander.

The islanders admired I could not deny my wanderlust ,

the swashbuckler who so I hiked across Europe and

refused to surrender to visited all the cities I longed to see,

the menacing pirates. like Rome, Berlin, and Prague.

w h i rl y b i rd
(WUR-lee-burd), noun

T h e Ro ot s
Another name for a helicopter.

A whirlybird can take you quickly

In the 1500s, the word from skyscraper to skyscraper

swash meant to hit some- in a city, because it can land on

thing violently and make a a roof instead of the airport.

loud noise (think of sword

and clash put together). w i l l o w wa c k s

Buckler was another word (WIL-oh-waks), noun

for a shield. Link those two A remote, wooded area

words and you have some- without people living there.

one who clashes around Penelope wants to get away from

loudly with a shield! the crowds with a vacation in

the shady peace and quiet of the

willowwacks. (I wonder if there’ ll

be a lot of willow trees there.)

Sy n o n y m s : b o o n d o c k s ,

hinterlands
va g a b o n d
Po p Cu lt u re
(VAG-uh-bond), noun

Someone who wanders and

never settles in one place. In the 1960s and ’70s, there

Vance was a vagabond who was a popular rock band

only stayed in a town for a named Led Zeppelin (their

week before packing up and hit “Stairway to Heaven”

moving on to a new one. has been called the great-

Sy n o n y m s : d ri f t e r, w a n d e r e r est rock ’n’ roll song of all

time). The band got their

z ep p e l i n unusual name thanks to

(ZEP-
lin), noun Keith Moon, the drummer

A large German airship shaped for fellow rock band The

like a cylinder. It had a rigid frame Who. Moon recorded a

and was filled with gas to make it song with future Led Zep-

fly. Named after its designer and pelin guitarist Jimmy Page,

manufacturer Count von Zeppelin. and they talked about

The zeppelin zigzagged on its slow forming their own band.

flight and took a long time getting But Moon thought the

to its destination. No wonder idea would “go over like a

the airplane won over travelers. lead balloon,” meaning it

Sy n o n y m : d i r i g i b l e would fail miserably. He

was joking, of course, but

z ig g u ra t Jimmy Page remembered

(ZIG-uh-rat), noun the wisecrack and used it

A tower built of bricks, with a a couple of years later to

terrace around each level and form Led Zeppelin.

a temple at the very top.

I climbed to the top of the ziggurat

to see if the Earth is flat. (It’s not.)

I T C H Y F E E T •• 2 1
 tête-à-tête Gumshoe

cahoots contraband

incognito subterfuge

alibi c l a n d e st i n e

ea
v esdrop enigma

whodun it rendezvous

conundrum Verboten
 Hey,

Sherl
ock!

Wo rds u s e d fo r m y ste ri e s , s e cret

p la n s , a n d fo rb i d d en th i n g s

If you’re a fan of a good mystery, you can now call it a whodunit.

Or perhaps you are trying to figure out where your parents hid

this year’s Christmas presents—you can turn into a gumshoe and

solve the conundrum. From disguises to detectives, spying and

secrets, crimes and covert operations—you’ll find everything you

need to help you tell the perfect suspense thriller, be a better

secret keeper, or simply have new words to describe your sneaky

(or should we say surreptitious) sibling.

alibi
(AL-uh-bahy), noun

1. Evidence that a person was somewhere else when

something (usually a crime) happened.

2. An excuse to explain where you were when something happened.

When his mom confronted him about eating all the cookies in the

cookie jar, Alfred had an alibi to prove he hadn’t been in the kitchen

all day—so who actually ate the cookies remains a mystery.

ca h o ots c l a n d e st i n e
(kuh-HOOTS), noun (klan-DES-tin), adjective

A partnership, usually Private, secret .

secret, with someone. Alfred hid the cookies in a

Alfred and Penelope are in clandestine place so his sisters

cahoots to plan a surprise par ty. wouldn’t eat them all.

Sy n o n y m : s u r r e p t i t i o u s

T h e Ro ot s c o n t ra b a n d
(KON-truh-band),

No one is sure where the noun or adjective

word cahoots comes from, (noun) Anything that

but the French word cahute is not allowed.

means “cabin.” Maybe when (adj.) Forbidden,

you’reincahootswithsome- illegal, or banned.

one, you escape to a remote Candy is contraband in the

cabin to talk it over first? classroom. (Unless your

teacher is giving it out!)

Sy n o n y m : ve r b o t e n

2 4 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
co n u n d ru m Leve l U p !

(kuh-NUHN-druhm), noun

1. A mystery or a puzzle. Maybe you thought the word

2. A riddle whose answer eavesdrop was really ease-

includes a play on words. drop. Easy mistake to make,

All the numbers have a conundrum since it does mean being able

to solve: Why is six afraid of seven? to easily drop in on someone

(Psst! It’s because seven ate nine!) else’s conversation. (Well, as

Sy n o n y m : e n i g m a longasyoudon’tgetcaught!)

But the word is eavesdrop

e ave s d ro p because it comes from archi-

(EEVZ-drop), verb tecture. The eaves are where

To listen to a private an angled roof hangs over the

conversation without outsidewallsofabuilding,and

anyone knowing. theeavesdropisboththerain-

Alfred tried to eavesdrop water that drips off the roof

on his parents, who were and the spot on the ground

privately discussing what to where the water falls. If you

get him for his bir thday. stand on that spot under the

Syn o ny m: s py eaves and look up, you will see

asoffit,whichbridgesthegap

enigma between the walls and the

(eh-NIG-muh), noun roof,andhasventholesforair

1. A puzzling person circulation. If you stand near

or situation. an eavesdrop (ideally, not in

2. A hidden meaning. the rain), sound comes out of

Alfred was an enigma to the vent holes and you would

Penelope—was he her friend be able to listen in on what’s

or her enemy? (Maybe happening inside without

he was a frenemy!) anyone knowing!

Sy n o n y m : co n u n d r u m The eavesdrop makes eaves-

droppingeasy.Somaybeease-

dropdoesmakesenseafterall!

H E Y , S H E R L O C K ! •• 2 5
gumshoe i n c o g n ito
(GUHM-shoo), noun (in-kog- NEE-toh), adverb

Slang for a private detective. or adjective or noun

The gumshoe got gum on his Unrecognizable in some way;

shoe and couldn’t keep up hiding your true identity.

with the robbery suspect. Your bro wore a mustache

to go to the dance incognito.

(But you knew who he was!)

T h e Ro ot s
Sy n o n y m : an o n y m o u s

If you’re following a suspect re n d e zvo u s

of a crime, it’s important to (RAHN-duh-voo), noun

be quiet so they don’t hear 1. A secret meeting.

you. Decades ago, detec- 2. A popular meeting place.

tives would wear rubber- 3. A meeting of spaceships

soled shoes, or “gums,” so in outer space.

they could be stealthy and There’s a rendezvous at

silent in their pursuit . school tomorrow to surprise

The word gumshoe relates the basketball team and

to the detective’s foot- decorate the gym before

wear and has nothing to do the championship game.

with chewing gum—which

makes sense, because gum s u bte r fu g e

can be pretty noisy if you (SUHB-ter-fyooj), noun

smack it and blow bubbles! A deception, tactic, or device

used to escape or avoid.

Alfred’s fake footprints were

subterfuge to fool Penelope and

make her lose track of him.

Sy n o n y m : ru s e

2 6 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
s u r re p t i t i o u s
(sur-uhp-TISH-uhs), adjective

Sneak y and secretive.

I’m surreptitious when hiding my Halloween

candy from my sweet-toothed sister.

Sy n o n y m : cl a n d e s t i n e

tête - à -tê te w ho d u n it
(TET-ah-TET ), noun (hoo-DUHN-it), noun

A private conversation A mystery that uncovers

between two people. who committed a crime.

To make sure no one could Did you see the whodunit movie?

hear them, the friends leaned Can you tell me who did it?

close together so they could

have a tête-à-tête.
Po p Cu lt u re

You probably know saying

T h e Ro ot s
“Who done it?” isn’t correct

grammar. It should be “Who

TêteisFrenchfor“head”—so did it?” But, in the 1930s a

tête-à-tête literally means writer invented this short,

“head-to-head.” punchy word to spice up an

otherwise average mystery

book review. He fooled

around with grammar and

ve r b ot e n spellingtocreatewhodunit—

(ver-BOHT-n), adjective and wouldntyouknowit, the

Strictly forbidden. term stuck around.

Going into the Forbidden Forest

is absolutely verboten—hence

the “Forbidden” in its name!

Sy n o n y m : b a n n e d

H E Y , S H E R L O C K ! •• 2 7
 St e mw i n d e r virtuoso

aplomb W h e e l ho u s e

whizbang to p n otc h

g u ru m ast e r m i n d

Sockeroo bo f fo

n a bo b wunderkind

hotsy -totsy b i gw i g
 G
T.O
.A.

(G re ate st O f A l l Ti m e)

Wo rds re late d to b ei n g o utsta n d i n g ,

n u m b er o n e , th e b e st

What’s something you know a whole lot about? That ’s your

bailiwick or wheelhouse ! Are you the number one student or

ball player in your grade? Then call yourself a crackerjack wun-

derkind. And if every thing is going exactly your way, you can

now say it’s all hotsy-totsy ! It feels good to be successful, and

we all like to be at the top of our game, so let these words help

you prove your superiority in just the right way.

a fi c i o n a d o
(uh-fish-ee-yuh-NAH-doh), noun

An enthusiastic, extremely

knowledgeable fan of a

specific subject or activity.

Penelope is an animation

aficionado and can answer

trivia questions about any

cartoon character or animated

movie quicker than lightning!

Sy n o n y m s : e n t h u s i a s t , b u f f

aplomb
(uh-PLOM), noun

Cool confidence in a difficult situation, so

you breeze through the challenge.

Penelope passed her math exam with aplomb; she got an A+!

Sy n o n y m : s a n g f r o i d

bailiwick
(BEY-li-wik), noun

A subject or thing you know a lot about.

Alfred’s bailiwick is video games—he owns every game system that

exists and knows all the secret and hidden tricks in their games.

Sy n o n y m s : f i e l d , r e a l m , w h e e l h o u s e

b e l l w et h e r
(BEL-weth-er), noun

A leader, either of people or things.

The handbell choir is the bellwether of our annual holiday parade, and so

people always know when the parade is about to turn on their street.

3 0 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
bigwig
(BIHG-wihg), noun

A person wearing a huge

hairpiece. Wait, no…not

exactly. A bigwig is an

important person. (Although

they once wore big wigs…)

T h e Ro ot s
Now that Penelope has won

the Student Council election,

she’s a bigwig in school. The word bigwig really

Sy n o n y m : n ab o b does come from important

people who wore big wigs!

b o ffo Way back in the 1600s,

(BOF-oh), adjective King Louis XIV of France

Extremely successful. lost all his hair and decided

The boy made a boffo dash to to wear a large wig to hide

scoop up the basketball and his bald head. Other mem-

score the winning basket. bers of royalty followed

the style that Louis set.

connoisseur Pretty soon, big wigs were

(kon-uh-SUR ), noun worn by all the popular and

A person who is knowledgeable wealthy people of France—

enough to judge the best of the after all, they were the only

best in a specific category. ones who could afford to

The candy connoisseur claims buy the expensive acces-

dark chocolate is superior in sories. The size of the wig

taste to milk chocolate. began to represent the

Sy n o n y m s : ex p e r t , m a s t e r importance and wealth of

the person wearing it. The

bigger the wig, the greater

your status in society.

G . O . A . T . •• 3 1
c ra c k e rj a c k Po p Cu lt u re

(KRAK-er-jak), noun

1. A person who’s incredibly The creators of candy-

talented at a certain skill. coated popcorn-and-peanut

2. Something that is exceptional sensation Cracker Jack

and of high quality. copyrighted the name in

Penelope is a crackerjack 1896, by splitting up the

softball catcher. She tags all popular slang into two words.

the runners at home base! In 1910, the treat included

coupons that people could

collectandredeemforprizes.

Just two years later, the

company dropped the cou-

pons and started slipping

toys and trinkets into the

package—instant prizes to

attract more kid customers.

There were miniature plastic

g u ru airplanes, temporary tat-

(GOO-roo), noun toos, and tiny toy animals.

An expert , teacher, or leader. Sometimes you’d get a small

If you want to learn karate or book of riddles or jokes. The

martial arts, it is best to sit toys worked their magic—

under the teaching of a guru. Cracker Jack became one

Sy n o n y m : m a s te r of the most popular snacks

in America during the early

h ots y -tots y to mid-

1900s. It’s even part

(HOT-see-TOT-see), adjective of the song “Take Me Out

Good, perfect , exactly to the Ball Game,” which is

as you want it . the unofficial anthem of the

Goldilocks thought Baby Bear’s Major League Baseball, sung

porridge wasn’t too hot or too during the seventh-inning

cold—it was hotsy-totsy. stretch!

3 2 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
landslide
(LAND-slahyd), noun

1. When someone wins something by a large, or enormous, amount.

2. Rock, soil, and earth that tumbles down a steep slope.

Almost ever yone voted for Penelope in the Student Council

election, so she beat Alfred and Becky in a landslide.

m a ste r m i n d
(MAS-ter-mahynd), verb or noun

1. (verb) To plan and carry out a complicated activity or idea very well.

2. (noun) The person who plans the activity or idea.

In the show Pinky and the Brain, the lab mice would spend

each day trying to mastermind how to take over the world!

But Brain was the real mastermind behind every plot.

Sy n o n y m : g e ni u s

nabob
(NEY-bob), noun

A rich and powerful person.

Bob is a nabob because he gets the biggest allowance on the block.

Sy n o n y m : b i g w i g

pinnacle
(PIN-uh-kuhl), noun

The highest point, the peak. The best .

The pinnacle of Penelope’s year was getting to sing

and dance on stage with her favorite band!

Sy n o n y m s : s u m m i t , a p o g e e

s o c ke ro o
(sok-uh-ROO), noun

A huge success.

The surprise party was a sockeroo—the birthday girl was truly surprised!

G . O . A . T . •• 3 3
ste m w i n d e r
T h e Ro ot s
(STEM-WAHYN-der), noun

Something that is the best

of its kind. Often used to A stemwinder is a type

describe an exceptional speech of watch that was a new

or the person giving it. invention in the late 1800s.

Penelope’s stemwinder speech Before then, watches had to

brought the house down—not be wound by inserting a sep-

only did her words leave the arate key. A stemwinder had

audience in tears, but they are a mechanism to wind the

still quoting her months later! watch from its stem. This

innovation was a marvel at

to p n ot c h the time, and stemwinder

(TOP-NOCH ), adjective watches became known as

Superior; earning a lot of praise. the superior watch to own.

I heard the talent show will

be topnotch this year, so we

better get our tickets early. w h ee l h o u s e

(WEEL-hous), noun

vi r t u o s o 1. A subject or thing you know

(vur-choo-OH-soh), noun a lot about. Or something

Someone who is really good at you have a lot of skill in.

something. They make difficult 2. In baseball, the part of the

stuff look easy. Often used to strike zone where a batter

describe an extraordinary musician. can hit the baseball best (and

The violin virtuoso wowed the usually get a home run).

crowd with his performance of 3. The part of the ship that has

the very difficult piece of music, the steering wheel, compass,

which he played with ease! and navigation equipment.

Sy n o n y m s : ex p e r t , m a s t e r, w h i z I can drive a car, a van, or a

bus. But a house with wheels?

Not in my wheelhouse.

Sy n o n y m s : f i e l d , r e a l m , b a i l i w i c k

3 4 •• A B S U R D W O R D S
 w h i z ba n g
T h e Ro ot s
(WIZ-bang), adjective,

noun, or onomatopoeia

The captain of a ship sits 1. (adj.) Something that

in the wheelhouse, where is awesome and the

he can steer and check best of its kind.

his direction, speed, and 2. (noun) A fast-moving

fuel. He has everything he firecracker that goes…

needs within that space. whiz-BANG!

The way we primarily use On the Fourth of July, the

wheelhouse now works as fireworks that made smiley faces in

a metaphor—it’s your area the sky were absolutely whizbang!

of expertise, and you know

(pretty much) every thing w u n d e rk i n d

you need to know about it. (VOON-dur-kint), noun

This meaning didn’t sail A kid who is super-successful

straight from the open or super-smart.

seas but instead took a The wunderkind won all

nine-inning detour through the academic awards at

b a s e b a ll . The b a t te r ’s school—even the prize for

“wheelhouse” is the spot winning the most awards!

where he loves the ball to Sy n o n y m s : g e n i u s ,

be pitched (right down the p r o d i g y, w h i z k i d

center of the plate and

waist-high), where he can

blast the ball out of the

park. The wheelhouse is his

sweet spot. And now that

you know it, it’s your sweet

spot too.
 ba n dwag o n maestro

Zydeco hootenanny

Earworm crescendo

Calypso m e l l i f lu o u s

cac o p ho n y Rimshot

stac cato didgeridoo

v u v u ze l a Calliope
Another random document with
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 “We know a great deal about a good many things,” said Mrs.
Maplebury.
“What is it, Bradbury?” said Mrs. Fisher.
“I’m afraid I shall have to leave you for a couple of days. Great
nuisance, but there it is. But, of course, I must be there.”
“Where?”
“Ah, where?” said Mrs. Maplebury.
“At Sing-Sing. I see in the paper that to-morrow and the day after
they are inaugurating the new Osborne Stadium. All the men of my
class will be attending, and I must go, too.”
“Must you really?”
“I certainly must. Not to do so would be to show a lack of college
spirit. The boys are playing Yale, and there is to be a big dinner
afterwards. I shouldn’t wonder if I had to make a speech. But don’t
worry, honey,” he said, kissing his wife affectionately. “I shall be back
before you know I’ve gone.” He turned sharply to Mrs. Maplebury. “I
beg your pardon?” he said, stiffly.
“I did not speak.”
“I thought you did.”
“I merely inhaled. I simply drew in air through my nostrils. If I am
not at liberty to draw in air through my nostrils in your house, pray
inform me.”
“I would prefer that you didn’t,” said Bradbury, between set teeth.
“Then I would suffocate.”
“Yes,” said Bradbury Fisher.

Of all the tainted millionaires who, after years of plundering the

widow and the orphan, have devoted the evening of their life to the
game of golf, few can ever have been so boisterously exhilarated as
was Bradbury Fisher when, two nights later, he returned to his home.
His dreams had all come true. He had won his way to the foot of the
rain-bow. In other words, he was the possessor of a small pewter
cup, value three dollars, which he had won by beating a feeble old
gentleman with one eye in the final match of the competition for the
sixth sixteen at the Squashy Hollow Golf Club Invitation Tournament.
He entered the house, radiant.
“Tra-la!” sang Bradbury Fisher. “Tra-la!”
“I beg your pardon, sir?” said Vosper, who had encountered him in
the hall.
“Eh? Oh, nothing. Just tra-la.”
“Very good, sir.”
Bradbury Fisher looked at Vosper. For the first time it seemed to
sweep over him like a wave that Vosper was an uncommonly good
fellow. The past was forgotten, and he beamed upon Vosper like the
rising sun.
“Vosper,” he said, “what wages are you getting?”
“I regret to say, sir,” replied the butler, “that, at the moment, the
precise amount of the salary of which I am in receipt has slipped my
mind. I could refresh my memory by consulting my books, if you so
desire it, sir.”
“Never mind. Whatever it is, it’s doubled.”
“I am obliged, sir. You will, no doubt, send me a written memo, to
that effect?”
“Twenty, if you like.”
“One will be ample, sir.”
Bradbury curveted past him through the baronial hall and into the
Crystal Boudoir. His wife was there alone.
“Mother has gone to bed,” she said. “She has a bad headache.”
 “You don’t say!” said Bradbury. It was as if everything was
conspiring to make this a day of days. “Well, it’s great to be back in
the old home.”
“Did you have a good time?”
“Capital.”
“You saw all your old friends?”
“Every one of them.”
“Did you make a speech at the dinner?”
“Did I! They rolled out of their seats and the waiters swept them up
with dusters.”
“A very big dinner, I suppose?”
“Enormous.”
“How was the football game?”
“Best I’ve ever seen. We won. Number 432,986 made a hundred-
and-ten-yard run for a touch-down in the last five minutes.”
“Really?”
“And that takes a bit of doing, with a ball and chain round your
ankle, believe me!”
“Bradbury,” said Mrs. Fisher, “where have you been these last two
days?”
Bradbury’s heart missed a beat. His wife was looking exactly like
her mother. It was the first time he had ever been able to believe that
she could be Mrs. Maplebury’s daughter.
“Been? Why, I’m telling you.”
“Bradbury,” said Mrs. Fisher, “just one word. Have you seen the
paper this morning?”
“Why, no. What with all the excitement of meeting the boys and
this and that—”
 “Then you have not seen that the inauguration of the new Stadium
at Sing-Sing was postponed on account of an outbreak of mumps in
the prison?”
Bradbury gulped.
“There was no dinner, no football game, no gathering of Old Grads
—nothing! So—where have you been, Bradbury?”
Bradbury gulped again.
“You’re sure you haven’t got this wrong?” he said at length.
“Quite.”
“I mean, sure it wasn’t some other place?”
“Quite.”
“Sing-Sing? You got the name correctly?”
“Quite. Where, Bradbury, have you been these last two days?”
“Well—er—”
Mrs. Fisher coughed dryly.
“I merely ask out of curiosity. The facts will, of course, come out in
court.”
“In court!”
“Naturally I propose to place this affair in the hands of my lawyer
immediately.”
Bradbury started convulsively.
“You mustn’t!”
“I certainly shall.”
A shudder shook Bradbury from head to foot. He felt worse than
he had done when his opponent in the final had laid him a stymie on
the last green, thereby squaring the match and taking it to the
nineteenth hole.
“I will tell you all,” he muttered.
 “Well?”
“Well—it was like this.”
“Yes?”
“Er—like this. In fact, this way.”
“Proceed.”
Bradbury clenched his hands; and, as far as that could be
managed, avoided her eye.
“I’ve been playing golf,” he said in a low, toneless voice.
“Playing golf?”
“Yes.” Bradbury hesitated. “I don’t mean it in an offensive spirit,
and no doubt most men would have enjoyed themselves thoroughly,
but I—well, I am curiously constituted, angel, and the fact is I simply
couldn’t stand playing with you any longer. The fault, I am sure, was
mine, but—well, there it is. If I had played another round with you,
my darling, I think that I should have begun running about in circles,
biting my best friends. So I thought it all over, and, not wanting to
hurt your feelings by telling you the truth, I stooped to what I might
call a ruse. I said I was going to the office; and, instead of going to
the office, I went off to Squashy Hollow and played there.”
Mrs. Fisher uttered a cry.
“You were there to-day and yesterday?”
In spite of his trying situation, the yeasty exhilaration which had
been upon him when he entered the room returned to Bradbury.
“Was I!” he cried. “You bet your Russian boots I was! Only winning
a cup, that’s all!”
“You won a cup?”
“You bet your diamond tiara I won a cup. Say, listen,” said
Bradbury, diving for a priceless Boule table and wrenching a leg off
it. “Do you know what happened in the semi-final?” He clasped his
fingers over the table-leg in the overlapping grip. “I’m here, see,
about fifteen feet off the green. The other fellow lying dead, and I’m
playing the like. Best I could hope for was a half, you’ll say, eh? Well,
listen. I just walked up to that little white ball, and I gave it a little flick,
and, believe me or believe me not, that little white ball never stopped
running till it plunked into the hole.”
He stopped. He perceived that he had been introducing into the
debate extraneous and irrelevant matter.
“Honey,” he said, fervently, “you musn’t get mad about this.
Maybe, if we try again, it will be all right. Give me another chance.
Let me come out and play a round to-morrow. I think perhaps your
style of play is a thing that wants getting used to. After all, I didn’t like
olives the first time I tried them. Or whisky. Or caviare, for that
matter. Probably if—”
Mrs. Fisher shook her head.
“I shall never play again.”
“Oh, but, listen—”
She looked at him fondly, her eyes dim with happy tears.
“I should have known you better, Bradbury. I suspected you. How
foolish I was.”
“There, there,” said Bradbury.
“It was mother’s fault. She put ideas into my head.”
There was much that Bradbury would have liked to say about her
mother, but he felt that this was not the time.
“And you really forgive me for sneaking off and playing at Squashy
Hollow?”
“Of course.”
“Then why not a little round to-morrow?”
“No, Bradbury, I shall never play again. Vosper says I mustn’t.”
“What!”
“He saw me one morning on the links, and he came to me and told
me—quite nicely and respectfully—that it must not occur again. He
said with the utmost deference that I was making a spectacle of
myself and that this nuisance must now cease. So I gave it up. But
it’s all right. Vosper thinks that gentle massage will cure my
wheezing, so I’m having it every day, and really I do think there’s an
improvement already.”
“Where is Vosper?” said Bradbury, hoarsely.
“You aren’t going to be rude to him, Bradbury? He is so sensitive.”
But Bradbury Fisher had left the room.

“You rang, sir?” said Vosper, entering the Byzantine smoking-room

some few minutes later.
“Yes,” said Bradbury. “Vosper, I am a plain, rugged man and I do
not know all that there is to be known about these things. So do not
be offended if I ask you a question.”
“Not at all, sir.”
“Tell me, Vosper, did the Duke ever shake hands with you?”
“Once only, sir—mistaking me in a dimly-lit hall for a visiting
archbishop.”
“Would it be all right for me to shake hands with you now?”
“If you wish it, sir, certainly.”
“I want to thank you, Vosper. Mrs. Fisher tells me that you have
stopped her playing golf. I think that you have saved my reason,
Vosper.”
“That is extremely gratifying, sir.”
“Your salary is trebled.”
“Thank you very much, sir. And, while we are talking, sir, if I might
—. There is one other little matter I wished to speak of, sir.”
“Shoot, Vosper.”
 “It concerns Mrs. Maplebury, sir.”
“What about her?”
“If I might say so, sir, she would scarcely have done for the Duke.”
A sudden wild thrill shot through Bradbury.
“You mean—?” he stammered.
“I mean, sir, that Mrs. Maplebury must go. I make no criticism of
Mrs. Maplebury, you will understand, sir. I merely say that she would
decidedly not have done for the Duke.”
Bradbury drew in his breath sharply.
“Vosper,” he said, “the more I hear of that Duke of yours, the more
I seem to like him. You really think he would have drawn the line at
Mrs. Maplebury?”
“Very firmly, sir.”
“Splendid fellow! Splendid fellow! She shall go to-morrow, Vosper.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”
“And, Vosper.”
“Sir?”
“Your salary. It is quadrupled.”
“I am greatly obliged, sir.”
“Tra-la, Vosper!”
“Tra-la, sir. Will that be all?”
“That will be all. Tra-la!”
“Tra-la, sir,” said the butler.
 CHAPTER IV
CHESTER FORGETS HIMSELF

The afternoon was warm and heavy. Butterflies loafed languidly in

the sunshine, birds panted in the shady recesses of the trees.
The Oldest Member, snug in his favourite chair, had long since
succumbed to the drowsy influence of the weather. His eyes were
closed, his chin sunk upon his breast. The pipe which he had been
smoking lay beside him on the turf, and ever and anon there
proceeded from him a muffled snore.
Suddenly the stillness was broken. There was a sharp, cracking
sound as of splitting wood. The Oldest Member sat up, blinking. As
soon as his eyes had become accustomed to the glare, he perceived
that a foursome had holed out on the ninth and was disintegrating.
Two of the players were moving with quick, purposeful steps in the
direction of the side door which gave entrance to the bar; a third was
making for the road that led to the village, bearing himself as one in
profound dejection; the fourth came on to the terrace.
“Finished?” said the Oldest Member.
The other stopped, wiping a heated brow. He lowered himself into
the adjoining chair and stretched his legs out.
“Yes. We started at the tenth. Golly, I’m tired. No joke playing in
this weather.”
“How did you come out?”
“We won on the last green. Jimmy Fothergill and I were playing
the vicar and Rupert Blake.”
“What was that sharp, cracking sound I heard?” asked the Oldest
Member.
 “That was the vicar smashing his putter. Poor old chap, he had
rotten luck all the way round, and it didn’t seem to make it any better
for him that he wasn’t able to relieve his feelings in the ordinary way.”
“I suspected some such thing,” said the Oldest Member, “from the
look of his back as he was leaving the green. His walk was the walk
of an overwrought soul.”
His companion did not reply. He was breathing deeply and
regularly.
“It is a moot question,” proceeded the Oldest Member, thoughtfully,
“whether the clergy, considering their peculiar position, should not be
more liberally handicapped at golf than the laymen with whom they
compete. I have made a close study of the game since the days of
the feather ball, and I am firmly convinced that to refrain entirely from
oaths during a round is almost equivalent to giving away three
bisques. There are certain occasions when an oath seems to be so
imperatively demanded that the strain of keeping it in must inevitably
affect the ganglions or nerve-centres in such a manner as to
diminish the steadiness of the swing.”
The man beside him slipped lower down in his chair. His mouth
had opened slightly.
“I am reminded in this connection,” said the Oldest Member, “of
the story of young Chester Meredith, a friend of mine whom you
have not, I think, met. He moved from this neighbourhood shortly
before you came. There was a case where a man’s whole happiness
was very nearly wrecked purely because he tried to curb his instincts
and thwart nature in this very respect. Perhaps you would care to
hear the story?”
A snore proceeded from the next chair.
“Very well, then,” said the Oldest Member, “I will relate it.”
 Chester Meredith (said the Oldest Member) was one of the nicest
young fellows of my acquaintance. We had been friends ever since
he had come to live here as a small boy, and I had watched him with
a fatherly eye through all the more important crises of a young man’s
life. It was I who taught him to drive, and when he had all that trouble
in his twenty-first year with shanking his short approaches, it was to
me that he came for sympathy and advice. It was an odd
coincidence, therefore, that I should have been present when he fell
in love.
I was smoking my evening cigar out here and watching the last
couples finishing their rounds, when Chester came out of the club-
house and sat by me. I could see that the boy was perturbed about
something, and wondered why, for I knew that he had won his
match.
“What,” I inquired, “is on your mind?”
“Oh, nothing,” said Chester. “I was only thinking that there are
some human misfits who ought not be allowed on any decent links.”
“You mean—?”
“The Wrecking Crew,” said Chester, bitterly. “They held us up all
the way round, confound them. Wouldn’t let us through. What can
you do with people who don’t know enough of the etiquette of the
game to understand that a single has right of way over a four-ball
foursome? We had to loaf about for hours on end while they
scratched at the turf like a lot of crimson hens. Eventually all four of
them lost their balls simultaneously at the eleventh and we managed
to get by. I hope they choke.”
I was not altogether surprised at his warmth. The Wrecking Crew
consisted of four retired business men who had taken up the noble
game late in life because their doctors had ordered them air and
exercise. Every club, I suppose, has a cross of this kind to bear, and
it was not often that our members rebelled; but there was
undoubtedly something particularly irritating in the methods of the
Wrecking Crew. They tried so hard that it seemed almost
inconceivable that they should be so slow.
 “They are all respectable men,” I said, “and were, I believe, highly
thought of in their respective businesses. But on the links I admit that
they are a trial.”
“They are the direct lineal descendants of the Gadarene swine,”
said Chester firmly. “Every time they come out I expect to see them
rush down the hill from the first tee and hurl themselves into the lake
at the second. Of all the—”
“Hush!” I said.
Out of the corner of my eye I had seen a girl approaching, and I
was afraid lest Chester in his annoyance might use strong language.
For he was one of those golfers who are apt to express themselves
in moments of emotion with a good deal of generous warmth.
“Eh?” said Chester.
I jerked my head, and he looked round. And, as he did so, there
came into his face an expression which I had seen there only once
before, on the occasion when he won the President’s Cup on the last
green by holing a thirty-yard chip with his mashie. It was a look of
ecstasy and awe. His mouth was open, his eyebrows raised, and he
was breathing heavily through his nose.
“Golly!” I heard him mutter.
The girl passed by. I could not blame Chester for staring at her.
She was a beautiful young thing, with a lissom figure and a perfect
face. Her hair was a deep chestnut, her eyes blue, her nose small
and laid back with about as much loft as a light iron. She
disappeared, and Chester, after nearly dislocating his neck trying to
see her round the corner of the club-house, emitted a deep,
explosive sigh.
“Who is she?” he whispered.
I could tell him that. In one way and another I get to know most
things around this locality.
“She is a Miss Blakeney. Felicia Blakeney. She has come to stay
for a month with the Waterfields. I understand she was at school with
Jane Waterfield. She is twenty-three, has a dog named Joseph,
dances well, and dislikes parsnips. Her father is a distinguished
writer on sociological subjects; her mother is Wilmot Royce, the well-
known novelist, whose last work, Sewers of the Soul, was, you may
recall, jerked before a tribunal by the Purity League. She has a
brother, Crispin Blakeney, an eminent young reviewer and essayist,
who is now in India studying local conditions with a view to a series
of lectures. She only arrived here yesterday, so this is all I have been
able to find out about her as yet.”
Chester’s mouth was still open when I began speaking. By the
time I had finished it was open still wider. The ecstatic look in his
eyes had changed to one of dull despair.
“My God!” he muttered. “If her family is like that, what chance is
there for a rough-neck like me?”
“You admire her?”
“She is the alligator’s Adam’s apple,” said Chester, simply.
I patted his shoulder.
“Have courage, my boy,” I said. “Always remember that the love of
a good man, to whom the pro can give only a couple of strokes in
eighteen holes is not to be despised.”
“Yes, that’s all very well. But this girl is probably one solid mass of
brain. She will look on me as an uneducated wart-hog.”
“Well, I will introduce you, and we will see. She looked a nice girl.”
“You’re a great describer, aren’t you?” said Chester. “A wonderful
flow of language you’ve got, I don’t think! Nice girl! Why, she’s the
only girl in the world. She’s a pearl among women. She’s the most
marvellous, astounding, beautiful, heavenly thing that ever drew
perfumed breath.” He paused, as if his train of thought had been
interrupted by an idea. “Did you say that her brother’s name was
Crispin?”
“I did. Why?”
Chester gave vent to a few manly oaths.
“Doesn’t that just show you how things go in this rotten world?”
 “What do you mean?”
“I was at school with him.”
“Surely that should form a solid basis for friendship?”
“Should it? Should it, by gad? Well, let me tell you that I probably
kicked that blighted worm Crispin Blakeney a matter of seven
hundred and forty-six times in the few years I knew him. He was the
world’s worst. He could have walked straight into the Wrecking Crew
and no questions asked. Wouldn’t it jar you? I have the luck to know
her brother, and it turns out that we couldn’t stand the sight of each
other.”
“Well, there is no need to tell her that.”
“Do you mean—?” He gazed at me wildly. “Do you mean that I
might pretend we were pals?”
“Why not? Seeing that he is in India, he can hardly contradict you.”
“My gosh!” He mused for a moment. I could see that the idea was
beginning to sink in. It was always thus with Chester. You had to give
him time. “By Jove, it mightn’t be a bad scheme at that. I mean, it
would start me off with a rush, like being one up on bogey in the first
two. And there’s nothing like a good start. By gad, I’ll do it.”
“I should.”
“Reminiscences of the dear old days when we were lads together,
and all that sort of thing.”
“Precisely.”
“It isn’t going to be easy, mind you,” said Chester, meditatively. “I’ll
do it because I love her, but nothing else in this world would make
me say a civil word about the blister. Well, then, that’s settled. Get on
with the introduction stuff, will you? I’m in a hurry.”
One of the privileges of age is that it enables a man to thrust his
society on a beautiful girl without causing her to draw herself up and
say “Sir!” It was not difficult for me to make the acquaintance of Miss
Blakeney, and, this done, my first act was to unleash Chester on her.
 “Chester,” I said, summoning him as he loafed with an overdone
carelessness on the horizon, one leg almost inextricably entwined
about the other, “I want you to meet Miss Blakeney. Miss Blakeney,
this is my young friend Chester Meredith. He was at school with your
brother Crispin. You were great friends, were you not?”
“Bosom,” said Chester, after a pause.
“Oh, really?” said the girl. There was a pause. “He is in India now.”
“Yes,” said Chester.
There was another pause.
“Great chap,” said Chester, gruffly.
“Crispin is very popular,” said the girl, “with some people.”
“Always been my best pal,” said Chester.
“Yes?”
I was not altogether satisfied with the way matters were
developing. The girl seemed cold and unfriendly, and I was afraid
that this was due to Chester’s repellent manner. Shyness, especially
when complicated by love at first sight, is apt to have strange effects
on a man, and the way it had taken Chester was to make him
abnormally stiff and dignified. One of the most charming things about
him, as a rule, was his delightful boyish smile. Shyness had caused
him to iron this out of his countenance till no trace of it remained. Not
only did he not smile, he looked like a man who never had smiled
and never would. His mouth was a thin, rigid line. His back was stiff
with what appeared to be contemptuous aversion. He looked down
his nose at Miss Blakeney as if she were less than the dust beneath
his chariot-wheels.
I thought the best thing to do was to leave them alone together to
get acquainted. Perhaps, I thought, it was my presence that was
cramping Chester’s style. I excused myself and receded.
 It was some days before I saw Chester again. He came round to
my cottage one night after dinner and sank into a chair, where he
remained silent for several minutes.
“Well?” I said at last.
“Eh?” said Chester, starting violently.
“Have you been seeing anything of Miss Blakeney lately?”
“You bet I have.”
“And how do you feel about her on further acquaintance?”
“Eh?” said Chester, absently.
“Do you still love her?”
Chester came out of his trance.
“Love her?” he cried, his voice vibrating with emotion. “Of course I
love her. Who wouldn’t love her? I’d be a silly chump not loving her.
Do you know,” the boy went on, a look in his eyes like that of some
young knight seeing the Holy Grail in a vision, “do you know, she is
the only woman I ever met who didn’t overswing. Just a nice, crisp,
snappy, half-slosh, with a good full follow-through. And another thing.
You’ll hardly believe me, but she waggles almost as little as George
Duncan. You know how women waggle as a rule, fiddling about for a
minute and a half like kittens playing with a ball of wool. Well, she
just makes one firm pass with the club and then bing! There is none
like her, none.”
“Then you have been playing golf with her?”
“Nearly every day.”
“How is your game?”
“Rather spotty. I seem to be mistiming them.”
I was concerned.
“I do hope, my dear boy,” I said, earnestly, “that you are taking
care to control your feelings when out on the links with Miss
Blakeney. You know what you are like. I trust you have not been
using the sort of language you generally employ on occasions when
you are not timing them right?”
“Me?” said Chester, horrified. “Who, me? You don’t imagine for a
moment that I would dream of saying a thing that would bring a blush
to her dear cheek, do you? Why, a bishop could have gone round
with me and learned nothing new.”
I was relieved.
“How do you find you manage the dialogue these days?” I asked.
“When I introduced you, you behaved—you will forgive an old friend
for criticising—you behaved a little like a stuffed frog with laryngitis.
Have things got easier in that respect?”
“Oh yes. I’m quite the prattler now. I talk about her brother mostly. I
put in the greater part of my time boosting the tick. It seems to be
coming easier. Will-power, I suppose. And then, of course, I talk a
good deal about her mother’s novels.”
“Have you read them?”
“Every damned one of them—for her sake. And if there’s a greater
proof of love than that, show me! My gosh, what muck that woman
writes! That reminds me, I’ve got to send to the bookshop for her
latest—out yesterday. It’s called The Stench of Life. A sequel, I
understand, to Grey Mildew.”
“Brave lad,” I said, pressing his hand. “Brave, devoted lad!”
“Oh, I’d do more than that for her.” He smoked for a while in
silence. “By the way, I’m going to propose to her to-morrow.”
“Already?”
“Can’t put it off a minute longer. It’s been as much as I could
manage, bottling it up till now. Where do you think would be the best
place? I mean, it’s not the sort of thing you can do while you’re
walking down the street or having a cup of tea. I thought of asking
her to have a round with me and taking a stab at it on the links.”
“You could not do better. The links—Nature’s cathedral.”
“Right-o, then! I’ll let you know how I come out.”
 “I wish you luck, my boy,” I said.

And what of Felicia, meanwhile? She was, alas, far from returning
the devotion which scorched Chester’s vital organs. He seemed to
her precisely the sort of man she most disliked. From childhood up
Felicia Blakeney had lived in an atmosphere of highbrowism, and the
type of husband she had always seen in her daydreams was the
man who was simple and straightforward and earthy and did not
know whether Artbashiekeff was a suburb of Moscow or a new kind
of Russian drink. A man like Chester, who on his own statement
would rather read one of her mother’s novels than eat, revolted her.
And his warm affection for her brother Crispin set the seal on her
distaste.
Felicia was a dutiful child, and she loved her parents. It took a bit
of doing, but she did it. But at her brother Crispin she drew the line.
He wouldn’t do, and his friends were worse than he was. They were
high-voiced, supercilious, pince-nezed young men who talked
patronisingly of Life and Art, and Chester’s unblushing confession
that he was one of them had put him ten down and nine to play right
away.
You may wonder why the boy’s undeniable skill on the links had no
power to soften the girl. The unfortunate fact was that all the good
effects of his prowess were neutralised by his behaviour while
playing. All her life she had treated golf with a proper reverence and
awe, and in Chester’s attitude towards the game she seemed to
detect a horrible shallowness. The fact is, Chester, in his efforts to
keep himself from using strong language, had found a sort of relief in
a girlish giggle, and it made her shudder every time she heard it.
His deportment, therefore, in the space of time leading up to the
proposal could not have been more injurious to his cause. They
started out quite happily, Chester doing a nice two-hundred-yarder
off the first tee, which for a moment awoke the girl’s respect. But at
the fourth, after a lovely brassie-shot, he found his ball deeply
embedded in the print of a woman’s high heel. It was just one of
those rubs of the green which normally would have caused him to
ease his bosom with a flood of sturdy protest, but now he was on his
guard.
“Tee-hee!” simpered Chester, reaching for his niblick. “Too bad, too
bad!” and the girl shuddered to the depths of her soul.
Having holed out, he proceeded to enliven the walk to the next tee
with a few remarks on her mother’s literary style, and it was while
they were walking after their drives that he proposed.
His proposal, considering the circumstances, could hardly have
been less happily worded. Little knowing that he was rushing upon
his doom, Chester stressed the Crispin note. He gave Felicia the
impression that he was suggesting this marriage more for Crispin’s
sake than anything else. He conveyed the idea that he thought how
nice it would be for brother Crispin to have his old chum in the family.
He drew a picture of their little home, with Crispin for ever popping in
and out like a rabbit. It is not to be wondered at that, when at length
he had finished and she had time to speak, the horrified girl turned
him down with a thud.
It is at moments such as these that a man reaps the reward of a
good upbringing.
In similar circumstances those who have not had the benefit of a
sound training in golf are too apt to go wrong. Goaded by the sudden
anguish, they take to drink, plunge into dissipation, and write vers
libre. Chester was mercifully saved from this. I saw him the day after
he had been handed the mitten, and was struck by the look of grim
determination in his face. Deeply wounded though he was, I could
see that he was the master of his fate and the captain of his soul.
“I am sorry, my boy,” I said, sympathetically, when he had told me
the painful news.
“It can’t be helped,” he replied, bravely.
“Her decision was final?”
“Quite.”
 “You do not contemplate having another pop at her?”
“No good. I know when I’m licked.”
I patted him on the shoulder and said the only thing it seemed
possible to say.
“After all, there is always golf.”
He nodded.
“Yes. My game needs a lot of tuning up. Now is the time to do it.
From now on I go at this pastime seriously. I make it my life-work.
Who knows?” he murmured, with a sudden gleam in his eyes. “The
Amateur Championship—”
“The Open!” I cried, falling gladly into his mood.
“The American Amateur,” said Chester, flushing.
“The American Open,” I chorused.
“No one has ever copped all four.”
“No one.”
“Watch me!” said Chester Meredith, simply.

It was about two weeks after this that I happened to look in on

Chester at his house one morning. I found him about to start for the
links. As he had foreshadowed in the conversation which I have just
related, he now spent most of the daylight hours on the course. In
these two weeks he had gone about his task of achieving perfection
with a furious energy which made him the talk of the club. Always
one of the best players in the place, he had developed an
astounding brilliance. Men who had played him level were now
obliged to receive two and even three strokes. The pro. himself
conceding one, had only succeeded in halving their match. The
struggle for the President’s Cup came round once more, and
Chester won it for the second time with ridiculous ease.