Signs of Limerence

“Limerence” is the word for an obsession or infatuation that, at first, feels just like falling in love – but
later turns into a painful mental addiction to the idea of perfect love. Over time, limerence robs
everything good from your life and blocks you from experiencing real love. Limerence is common in
people who were emotionally neglected as children. For a lot of kids who are emotionally neglected, or
even literally abandoned, it’s a survival strategy to hold onto the hope of love and care. They keep
believing that love is possible, and keep the fires of hope intensely burning. When this continues into
adulthood, it can lead to compulsive enchantment with a person you can’t have -- because not having
the person is part of what allows that magical feeling to be so powerful. Here are some signs of
limerence.

Early Signs: “The Glimmer”

● When you first meet the person, maybe before you even know you are attracted to them, you
feel a charge of excitement, as if something great were beginning.

● You find yourself thinking about them, even if you’re not seeing them. The more you think about
them, the stronger your romantic feelings get.

● Thinking about them becomes a way to soothe yourself when you’re sad, anxious or lonely.

● When you see them, it’s electrifying. You feel more alive, more like your real self, and as if the
world has just been shown to you in technicolor.

● You think about past meetings with the person, and go over and over them in your mind.

● It seems necessary to hide how strongly you feel. You spend a lot of time calculating how you
can bump into the person, or appear to see them casually, without tipping your hand that you’re
in love with them.

Later Signs: Obsession

● Though you fantasize about disclosing your true feelings, you don’t because on some level you
know that would drive them away.

● You begin to feel anxious, sad and empty unless you can see them – or at least think about them
or talk about them. You create a “cover story” so you can talk about the person (a lot) to your
friends.

● You avoid some of your usual activities so nothing will interrupt your thoughts of them.

End Stage: Addiction

© 2024 | Anna Runkle | The Crappy Childhood Fairy. All Rights Reserved. Version 2/9/2024
 ● You find yourself analyzing past communications, such as non-romantic texts and emails. You
may also be stalking their social media accounts to keep tabs on them, and to search for signs
that they are unhappy in their real-life relationship.

● You become convinced that some of the things they say – e.g., in texts, conversations, emails or
social media posts – are coded messages designed to sound “normal” or unrelated to you, but
are actually secret messages for you.

● You resort to magical thinking, telling yourself that even though they don’t appear to be
interested in you (or even say outright that they aren’t interested in you), there is actually a
hidden or secret level of reality (past lives, “twin souls” or a psychic connection, for example) in
which you two are destined to be together.

● You seek out and spend money on people who will listen to your thoughts, dreams and stories
about the person (such as a sympathetic therapist), or who will validateyour magical thinking
(such as psychics and tarot-card readers).

● The time, money and emotional energy you pour into your obsession now takes a major toll on
your life. If you have a partner, it will damage your relationship. If you’re single, this makes you
unavailable for meeting or dating someone new.

● It feels as if you can’t afford to lose hope that somehow it will all work out and you will be
together with the object of your obsession. It feels as if it might kill you to give up the fantasy.

● You feel immobilized, exhausted and deeply depressed. You feel that the only thing that would
help is if this person would come to you at last and be yours.

● You continue in this pattern unless and until a new person comes along to spark “the glimmer.”
Then you feel fresh hope again and the cycle begins anew.

It’s not easy, but you can heal your pattern of limerence when you get honest with yourself that this is
what is really going on with you emotionally and psychologically. If you want to break free of limerence,
you’ll need tools to help you identify limerent thinking and to process the thoughts and feelings that
tend to drive you into a world of fantasy. You’ll need activities that give you joy and meaning, and you’ll
need the support of people who understand what it’s like and are healing themselves, too.

You’ll find other people who are working to heal limerence in 12-step programs like Sex and Love
Addicts Anonymous (you can search online for literature and meetings near you) and in the Crappy
Childhood Fairy Membership program, which you’ll find at https://crappychildhoodfairy.com.

© 2024 | Anna Runkle | The Crappy Childhood Fairy. All Rights Reserved. Version 2/9/2024