Unit 4: No gain without pain

Essay writing

The benefits of training students to think positively

Introduction
Many people contend that students have lately undergone different situations in their life specially
when facing and solving personal situations. Most of them prefer spending hours and hours on
using new gadgets which make their lives easier, however this idle time do not make them be
focused and more productive at pursuing new goals in the short and long run.
My comments:
 Does the first sentence actually “say” something? If you want to keep it, define which “personal
situations” you are talking about.
 Do you introduce the topic of the essay (students’ training for positive thinking)? Because it seems that
you have changed the essay topic… *
 Appropriate word choice
 Revise the use of prepositions, the repetition of words and punctuation (“, however”)
* Have a look at the introductory paragraph suggested by the book as a possible sample answer. Pay
attention to its layout: a general statement in the first sentence, a concession afterwards, and an
“announcement” (In this essay, I will…) Compare and contrast this paragraph with yours. Then, improve the
latter. 

Layout: general statement – concession – announcement (what you will do)

Many educators contend that students have lately undergone difficult situations. However, instead
of doing something smart or useful to take the lead in their life, they prefer to spend hours and hours
using new gadgets, which make their lives easier but which do not actually help them face any
critical circumstance they are going through. In this essay, I will discuss two of the many benefits in
positive thinking as it can help students significantly in their everyday life.
 2

Paragraph 1
reducing stress – improving one’s well-being and focusing on solving problems
Topic sentence: reducing stress
Controlling idea: benefit (positive thinking)
Supporting sentences: …

Teens like adults, can experience stress every day and can benefit from learning stress management skills.
Most teens experience more stress when they deal with a situation as dangerous, difficult, or painful and
they don't have the resources to face it. However, How can they overcome and manage the stress?

On the one hand, they can distribute their school duties with fun activities for example: hanging out with
friends or doing some sports.

Moreover, they can also have a healthy diet and sleep well, these suggestions may help them to feel well
and organize their time in a better way.

Paragraph 2
improving productivity – pursuing goals in the short and the long run

Conclusion: recycle
 3

First developmental paragraph

On the one hand, while is true that young people make extensive use of mobile phone technology, it
is not the case that this has made them reduce the stress and be more solving-problem people. They
devote their spare time not only to kill time but also to purchase video games and waste money in
gambling. Why don’t they take the advantage of mobiles phone and
My comments:
 Once again, allow me to say it seems you are talking about another topic (students and gadgets).
According to your original layout, in your first developmental paragraph (based on the topic you must
write about) you would focus on “stress reduction” (or “relieving anxiety”): if students think positively,
they “can succeed in solving personal problems with a clear mind”; they “can get rid of unhealthy habits”
(drinking, smoking). So… why don’t you talk about that?? – I just added/suggested that if you say
thinking positively helps students quit vices, then you should explain how.
 Check the (serious) subject omission in the first sentence.
 There is a “La Claudia” mistake somewhere there!
 Have a look at the layout of the sample first developmental paragraph: it introduces the
measure/suggestion, it explains the “why” (through 2 supporting sentences) and (though risky) it closes
with a concession. Learn to copy sample’s layouts! 

Second developmental paragraph

You said you would talk about positive thinking as “a way of improving productivity”. You backed it up
saying students could “be more focused on short and long term goals” and that they could “easily overcome
some obstacles o personal problems”. If you give some examples of those “goals” and “obstacles/problems”,
your second paragraph would be ready.

Conclusion
 In your layout, for your second paragraph, you wanted to talk about students feeling “more confident at
doing whatever they undertake in life”. I suggested you used that idea for the conclusion.
 Look at the sample conclusion to get ideas for your layout. See, how this writer recycles/paraphrases their
ideas to round off their contention.
4