A Bl as t Fr om T he Pa st
A Wo rd F ro m Ou r Le ad er
The
months
are
zipping
by and
the stock
yard is
still
slowly
filling,
but we must stay ahead of our own targets.
Production
Volumes are there but at the expense of quality,
the last production run of Ridings were abysmal
and most of them sit on the yard as rejects, this
can’t happen again, if things are not right please
stop the machines and rectify the fault.
A point I feel I must raise is that a number of
people are saying they are coming to work on
Saturday and then fail to turn up. This causes
problems with Maintenance schedules or specific
jobs planned. This is not acceptable.
If you say you will be here then please be here
General
We’ve had our first meeting with Swillington
Parish Council regarding our application for a
new factory, which was well received by them
and future meetings will be held as the
application is submitted (This being September
06)
Health & Safety
We’ve had a visit from IDC and this seemed to
go well, after a military style planning by Steve
(The General) Todd and his captain Darren Bell.
You will see around the factory designated bump
cap areas, these must be adhered to failure to
do so will result in disciplinary action as with
all failures to comply to PPE designated areas.
Projects
New forklifts have arrived with a few teething
problems but we are slowly fixing this. Please
treat them like your own they have got to last
many, many years
Also we have had 2 new dumpers so again please
look after these
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David just
popped into the
office today to
pay his lottery
so seeing the
opportunity I
decided to
Interview him
for our Third
Edition of the Jungle Telegraph…
I originally worked at British Geoffrey
Diamonds which was a mining company and
came to work at Swillington for more money
back in 1966, I was actually interviewed by
George Armitage and Bernard Marshall who
went on to become my boss.
I came here as an “Assistant to the Assistant
Manager” in order to save the Assistant Manager
from doing paperwork…
[The interview was at this point interrupted by a
phone call from Dynorod to discuss problems
with his loo at home which he instructed me to
keep the details off record]
I remember Mick [Brayford] being a fitter and I
think at one point I became Assistant Manager
but I could not cope with that so in the end I
settled with “Production Shift Foreman”.
What was your best memory?
Er leaving – [laughs] – no I suppose the great
times I have had with people over the years,
there isn’t one particular memory I can say that
was the best
What was your worst memory?
When I was off ill for a while that was quite bad
but there was one time that sticks in my mind as
quite a scary incident.
At one time we used to get Paroles from
Wakefield Prison and “Oulton Hollers” – Mental
Patients working here [Interupted by Steve
shouting ‘nice to see nothings changed then’]
and there was this one particular guy I shall call
him Bill from the prison.
I had to keep reprimanding him throughout the
morning for various incidents and when it got to
dinnertime Bill went into the Canteen for dinner
and asked the lady in the canteen…
The lady in the canteen only told me this after
the event but apparently he asked her if I could
sack him and she had replied that yes I was a
manager and had the power to sack him.
He then brought out a huge machete and said if
he sacks me then I will get him with this, of
Wor kp lac e In sani t y
course the canteen lady rushed up afterwards and
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF
told me what had occurred and I locked myself
INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
in the office and wouldn’t come out.
1) Find out where your boss shops and buy
The manager had to phone Wakefield Prison to
exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after
get Bill removed and they came with four huge
your boss does. This is especially effective if
prison wardens and I was later told he had his
your boss is of a different gender than you.
privileges removed but he kept vowing he was
2) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers
going to get revenge.
and refer to them only by these names. "That's a
I was really shaken by all that and still
good point, Alf." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to
occasionally have nightmares about it today.
have to disagree with you there, Zippy."
How has it changed here over the years?
3) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling
Blimey when I first started here we had two big
them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If
coal fired Hoffman Kilns and Setters and
anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Drawers which was a horrible dirty job, we had
4) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't
part of the new building containing the extruder,
lost them as much since you did this.
panhouse and dryers.
5) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle.
I remember when Marshalls took over and there
When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or
was a big shift change, different shifts soon
whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
stopped because of trade and there were loads of
courses, meetings and meetings about meetings.
6) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day
Up to that point I used to like coming to work
and tell people you're waiting for your document.
but the atmosphere really changed and I no
longer enjoyed coming anymore.
7) Every time someone asks you to do
And Since You Have Retired?
something, anything, ask him or her if they want
At first it felt really strange not having to get up
fries with that.
in a morning but I have done a lot of decorating,
8) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself
walking and caravanning and my wife is still
engaging yourself in an intellectual debate.
working so I am sort of a male housewife and
Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to
have some shorts and a little pinafore
settle the disagreement.
Fridays is bog day and that is the worst day of
9) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of
the lot but other than that I have not got bored
staplers.
yet though I am not looking forward to winter
10) Send e-mail messages saying there's free
and may need to find a part time job.
pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When
I have not really got any hobbies and I need to
people drift back to work complaining that they
find some hobbies to do in the winter something
found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say,
along the lines of train spotting or collecting Yu-
"Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Di-Oh cards!
Ste ve & Sh ar ron
Sharron and Steve go to the
cricket match
Sharron and Steve have gone to
the cricket match.
Cricket is a game.
Do you like games?
Steve does!

2of5
 Steve talks to The Lady From Dixon Hall who is making tea. 22/03/199 13 Yrs, 4 Mths, 17
She likes games too. 25 M Whiteley 3 Days
The Lady From Dixon Hall is from Yorkshire - see the chimneys. 15/06/199 13 Yrs, 1 Mths, 24
Steve sees The Lady From Dixon Hall's baps. 26 A Smith 3 Days
Baps are Steve's favourite. N 12 Yrs, 3 Mths, 28
Steve asks if he can help himself. 27 Chamberlain 11/04/1994 Days
The Lady From Dixon Hall laughs and says 'yes'. 10 Yrs, 8 Mths, 12
Sharron sees The Lady From Dixon Hall. 28 G Johnson 27/11/1995 Days
Sharron sometimes calls The Lady From Dixon Hall a 'Yorkshire 04/04/199
pudding'. 29 N Hunter 6 10 Yrs, 4 Mths, 4 Days
Do you know what a Yorkshire pudding is? 20/07/199
Can you draw a picture? 30 P Newbould 8 8 Yrs, 0 Mths, 19 Days
Sharron sees Steve having a roll with The Lady From Dixon Hall 21/09/199 7 Yrs, 10 Mths, 18
and creeps up behind him to give him a surprise, what fun! 31 P Morton 8 Days
Sharron sees Steve holding one of The Lady From Dixon Hall's 30/07/200
baps. 32 M Schofield 1 5 Yrs, 0 Mths, 9 Days
Sharron slaps Steve.
10/12/200
Paint Steve's ear red.
33 C Farnhill 1 4 Yrs, 7 Mths, 29 Days
See Steve sleep in the shed for the next three weeks.
Poor Steve. 34 L Ruecroft 11/07/2005 1 Yrs, 0 Mths, 28 Days
13/03/200
St at is tics – Yea rs Of S er vic e 35 D Zinis 6 0 Yrs, 4 Mths, 26 Days
Date 27/03/200
Rk Name Started Time Worked 36 R Jolley 6 0 Yrs, 4 Mths, 12 Days
26/04/196 44 Yrs, 3 Mths, 13 03/04/200
1 M Brayford 2 Days 37 D Lund 6 0 Yrs, 4 Mths, 5 Days
31/07/196
2 K Hopkins 7 39 Yrs, 0 Mths, 8 Days Sta ti stic s – S al es / Pro du cti on
10/10/196 38 Yrs, 9 Mths, 29 Date Made Sold Stock
3 D Fox 7 Days
09/03/197 36 Yrs, 4 Mths, 30
03/07/2006 464,980 320,092 12,040,624
4 R Smillie 0 Days 10/07/2006 476,408 412,776 12,113,024
16/04/197 36 Yrs, 3 Mths, 23 17/07/2006 440,060 342,204 12,210,880
5 Den Fox 0 Days
14/04/197 35 Yrs, 3 Mths, 25 24/07/2006 414,548 239,560 12,398,804
6 G Hunter 1 Days 31/07/2006 467,480 383,472 12,482,812
02/06/197
7 S Todd 1 35 Yrs, 2 Mths, 6 Days Sta ti stic s – S al es
8 C Whiteley
26/07/197
1
35 Yrs, 0 Mths, 13
Days
13 th J uly to 7 th A ug us t ( inc)
10/06/197 32 Yrs, 1 Mths, 29 Posn Name Quantity
9 G Fell 4 Days 1 73 Class B Eng 151,680
01/06/197
10 I Lund 6 30 Yrs, 2 Mths, 7 Days 2 73 Class B Jewson 150,528
07/03/197 3 73 City Multi 122,880
11 M Robinson 7 29 Yrs, 5 Mths, 1 Days 4 65 City Multi 96,728
12/12/197 28 Yrs, 7 Mths, 27
12 C Shields 7 Days 5 65 Derwent DF 70,668
D 20/03/197 28 Yrs, 4 Mths, 19 6 65 Ridings 64,636
13 Rushworth 8 Days
7 73 Farmhouse 63,360
07/04/197
14 I Ball 9 27 Yrs, 4 Mths, 1 Days 8 65 Cream Smooth 60,116
04/06/197 9 73 Red Smooth 57,600
15 G Smith 9 27 Yrs, 2 Mths, 4 Days
10 65 Ryedale WC 57,096
26 Yrs, 8 Mths, 13
16 J Shaw 26/11/1979 Days 11 65 Golden Brown 52,884
03/08/198 12 65 Farmhouse 49,720
17 K Sawyer 1 25 Yrs, 0 Mths, 5 Days
17/09/198 21 Yrs, 10 Mths, 22
13 73 Golden Brown 46,464
18 M Ellis 4 Days 14 73 Victorian 39,468
20/02/198 21 Yrs, 5 Mths, 19 15 Various Selected 31,104
19 R Warne 5 Days
29/07/198 21 Yrs, 0 Mths, 10 Int ern al M em or an du m
20 S Ruecroft 5 Days
27/01/198 20 Yrs, 6 Mths, 12
Retire Aged Personnel Early
21 D Bell 6 Days As a result of the reduction of money budgeted
28/07/198 for the Department areas, we are forced to cut
22 G Robinson 6 20 Yrs, 0 Mths, 11 Days
14/09/198 18 Yrs, 10 Mths, 25 our number of personnel.
23 T Capper 7 Days Under the new plan, older employees will be
23/01/199 13 Yrs, 6 Mths, 16
24 M Lodge 3 Days asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting
3of5
the retention of younger people who represent
our future plans.
Therefore, a programme to phase out older
personnel by the end of the current fiscal year,
via retirement, will be placed in effect
immediately. The programme will be known as
R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the
opportunity to look for other employment outside
the company. Provided they are being
R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the
employment records before actual retirement
takes place. This phase of the operation will be
called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of
retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or
S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper
management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T.
(Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new
policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once,
S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be
S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company
deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he
or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half
Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a
benefit plan. any employee who has received
H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or
S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
Jo ke s By Ou r Br av e L ead er
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1) What's the definition of the bravest man in the
world?? The man who comes home drunk, covered
in lipstick and smelling of Perfume, then slaps his
wife on the backside and says: "you're next,
Fatty."
2)Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under
his arm while his wife is Lying in bed reading.
Man says: ''This is the pig I have sex with when
you've got a headache" Wife replies: ''I think you'll
find that is a sheep''.
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the
sheep.''
3) A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife
packing a suitcase.
He asks, ''What are you doing?'' She answers, ''I'm
moving to Sydney".
I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing
what I do for you for Free".
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks
into the bedroom and Sees her husband packing
his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too I want To see how you live on
$800 a year".
4) A woman was shopping at her local
supermarket where she selected: 2 Litres of low
fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice,
a Head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 5OOg
jar of coffee, a 250g Pack of bacon As she was
unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a Drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of The cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases,
the drunk calmly Stated, ''You must be single".
The woman was a bit stabled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued By the
derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at Her six items on the belt and saw
nothing particularly unusual about her Selections
that could have tipped off the Drunk to her
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,
''Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
But how on earth did you know that's The drunk
replied, ''Cos you're ugly,''
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