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Two Novels
 The Dalkey Archive Edition of
ARNO SCHMIDT
Collected Early Fiction, 1949-1964
Translated by John E. Woods

Volume |: Collected Novellas

Enthymesis (1949) — Leviathan (1949) — Gadir (1949)

Alexander (1953) — The Displaced (1953)
Lake Scenery with Pocahontas (1955) — Cosmas (1955) — Tina (1956)
Goethe (1957) — Republica Intelligentsia (1957)

Volume 2: Nobodaddy’s Children

Scenes from the Life of aFaun (1953) — Brand’s Heath (1951)

Dark Mirrors (1951)

Volume 3: Collected Stories

Tales from Island Street (16 stories, 1955-1962)

Stiirenburg Stories (9 stories, 1955-1959) — Country Matters
(10 stories, 1960-1964)

Volume 4: Two Novels

The Stoney Heart (1954)

B oondoc ee
uy ks (1960)
 Arno Schmidt

Two Novels

THE STONY HEART

¥ OONDOCKS

Translated by John E. Woods

Dalkey Archive Press

Gl
© 1986, 1987 by the Arno Schmidt Stiftung
English translation © 1997 by the Arno Schmidt Stiftung
First Edition, 1997

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Schmidt, Arno, 1914-1979

[Selections. English]
Two novels : The stony heart & B/Moondocks / Arno Schmidt ;
translated by John E. Woods.
p. cm.— (Collected early fiction, 1949-1964 / Arno
Schmidt ; v. 4)
Contents: The stony heart — B/Moondocks.
ISBN 1-56478-170-4 (cloth : alk. paper)
1. Schmidt, Arno, 1914-1979—Translations into English.
I. Woods, John E. (John Edwin) II. Title. II. Series: Schmidt, Arno
1914-1979 Selections. English. 1997 ; v. 4.
PT2638.M453A15 1997 vol.4 833

This publication is partially supported by a grant from the Illinois Arts

council, a state agency

Dalkey Archive Press

Illinois State University
Campus Box 4241
Normal, IL 61790-4241

printed on permanent/durable acid-free paper and bound in the United

States of America
CHE STONY ak
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- -
THE STONY HEART

Historical Novel from

Anno Domini 1954
 ~~?
OA are, —
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Inside our waterdrop : A metallic blue cone came toward me; in my
ovisory 2 dull ocukernels.
Then a straw yellow one : beneath the murky plasma membrane, wide cells
were differentiated, tentacles hung; above, it had a tied-off, ciliate
head, of romanovsky hue; and pulled past me ticking wet. Volks-
wagens rotiferated. On the square just behind, the umbrella-fish
jellied. (Enough of this !).
Thus, we sawed in the nitrogen with anaerobic gesticulations (someone
was just making his arms into a lovely long protestation mark), we, on
the floor of our pond of air, and the trees swayed seaweedily. My left
shoe regarded me coolly from its eyelet rows.
(Intelligence cripples, enervates, handicaps ? : Are you ever in for a sur-
prise ! : makes y’ fierce as a terrier ! !).
- “Count off!” : (dripping trees with stoically crossed arms); but then came
the aforesaid wind command, and they tossed heads at one another; all
the way down the highway.
The road skidded away before me. A tear-stained horse gazed from lenses
at me. But then I had to turn right; just as the old masons had wanted it,
in that stone channel of theirs. (The rain percussed my pated roof more
gently; my bloodstream currented; limbs hung and stood round about
me : if <one willed it» a thumb moved).
In town : half-timber black and red; (systematically now : me, twilled by
rain); with gently gushing roofs : from many of them, tin serpents
dangled, struggled to distort their maws, and vomited, in spurts, end-
lessly.
«Memoirs of a Shop Doorhandle>. (There is an <Autobiography of a
Pocket-Handkerchief>; unfortunately not good enough).
Potato-peel face : her gray ramified limb grabbed a can of milk; the mouth-
pit blew 4 black silvered platelets : “““* : (so pay up; onto the gnawed
red skin of the counter). — “Aeh : they live down the fahduh en’ !”
(Does that mean the place is divided into the <father end> and the
<mother end>; interesting enough concept; and then that stringy voice;
but this was no way of finding out. — : barbers ? — bartenders ? ? — —)
4M ArRNOo SCHMIDT

Wait ! !: The shop where they sell ice cream ! (and how merrily the white-
blue guild pennant flapped !). With its broad yellow Slavic face, the
sticky-black half-moon tuft atop it : Three-thou-sand=mahks that
freezah had cost ! (And so nod with lower-lipped appreciation : quite
an expenditure ! And the landlord wanted to cancel his lease at year’s
end).
Interruption : the fat young daughter : white, nicely humped pullover, of
nubby= and fondling=wool, pubic-hairy all round. Thighs of double
circumference : and that at age 15 !
(And then the face ! : her forefathers had also ridden too long with the
Scythians, Ptolemy 6 verse 13 : you could have driven It up those
nostrils. Hyperhealthy teeth. -. —: Yep : go do the shoppin’ !)
“Ohsuah : theah’s a visitah’s huareait heah.” (Outside, the wind was shut-
tling indecisively back and forth. Herr Heavens huffed more calmly.
My dilated heart gave a few beats. Tablecloths of red plastic, printed
with a large pointy star). But it was good, the ice cream ! : “Give me
another, please, would you ?”.
“Thumann ? — : Yeah, they live round=heah.” “They jist got rid a theah
refugees a month ago.” (Most interesting !). “He calls huh dapple’n’
bruise !” (Apparently a synonym for a not entirely happy marriage.
Okay : have a look !).
And now the first little chunk of sun again : and straight ahead through the
jagged toothy row of gable-shadows. Across the street, the walls back-
dropped in watery pale yellow, nappy.
Bratwurst : ought to be able to make them square-shaped (triangular 7?) :
this tripelike roundness is much too reminiscent of things organic, your
guts & butts & earthworms. : “Could y’ please tell me if <Thumann the
truck-driver> lives close by ?” (Okay, not close by !).
With shovels : they sprayed sand over their empty laughing heads : toddlers
asplay : with sausage limblets. Behind them, at their lattices, full-
aproned women gardening : they watched with solid, unembarrassed
looks as I passed.
“That ? !” : was the firehouse. “— ’nd they keep the huhse down below !”
(A triangular meadowlet around its base; the tower was three-storeyed.
On my right the front yards with 12, 13, as my shoes walked by, 17, 18
marigolds; a bush made very lovely motions with its leaves).
(Stolen glance at the land-office map, 1 to 5000 : — ah : here I am: the
«Chateau Apothecary», stuccoed stone : “Uhh=could you p’rhaps tell
MG) .2 a5 ie aleeAbe Many thankswee):
This one then ! (And indeed, the last house; looking forheran (What a
word : <northward> ! — Well, I’m quite curious ! !).
 THE STONY HEART #5

The herd of sheep teemed past, obligingly, like on some heath postcard.
Right behind them, the sun came bursting out, but the wind was still
westering nice and fresh; well, it was summer. (Content : summer.)
Number 31 :; The gabled facade clad in brown planks; along the front,
right-angled timberwork, filled with dull=burgundy=painted bricks. In
the front yard, the oak (20 inches in diameter); 2 little lilac trees. Old
picket fence. Entrance tunnel of wild trellised grape. 4 windows.
(Cheek by jowl, though in the neighboring lot, an oddly=long, narrow,
two-storeyed, almost black wooden shed. — — First though a bit further
down the lane northward).
(Plus an FM=antenna !).
Knock : !, !, ! — : Nothing. (Except the curtain on the right shifted very
softly; I probably did look like a salesman. So once again : 1, 2, 3: ?).
Eyes like bunsen burners (and the mouth opened to sputter ditto ! Better to
get the march on her) : “The visitor’s bureau told me I can rent a room
from you for an extended period ?” (Intentionally, no subjunctive ! —
Broad biceps emerged thighlike from flowery trouser-sleeves, ready
for a swim; a couple of pretty plump breasts, at least 38 C. And those
succulent black eyes, as noted. — But almost certainly of consular age;
well, all the same.)
(If only it worked ! I’ve put all my eggs in one basket ! And gave her a
cheerful= and desperate=erotic look : ?. — “Jistaminuteplease.”)
Waiting in the arbor : inside hasty acousmata, like wife and husband (ap-
parently they hadn’t even thought of renting furnished, and liked the
idea — let’s hope ! — of the massive extra income ?).
“C’mon in, won’t you !” And there HE was : 2 pale blue eye-panes beside
his nose. Black hair; but already quite gray on top, as if a fire had ashed
the ends. Only after you’d been standing in the large kitchen for 5 sec-
onds did the garden gate audibly close : dangerous device !)
“Of course I'll pay in advance !” : Bed 1 mark 50; midday meal starting
tomorrow : 1.75 and light supper 1.25; makes 4.50 times 30 equals 135
marks a month. (With no breakfast : haven’t done that since °39. And casu-
ally lay out 120 on the table : they weren’t used to that, and gazed at me
in joyful perplexity, y’ could see that at once. Meaning, good folk !)
But still totally confused : “Could y’ come back — : say, in an houah oah
two ?” (they asked; and, relieved) : “Suah; jist leave yoah grip heah.”
(First had to get things arranged upstairs; move old furniture in, some-
thing beddish ; well, just as they please !). (Fine ! ! And suave : “But of
course ! I’ll eat at an inn for today. —- Bosenberg ? By the train station ?
That’s the most dependable ? ! From here, just keep to my right : ah :
thanks !”) —
6 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

Small boys columbusing in the juicy gutter. Teenettes soignéd like ladies.
Knopp the tailor bespectacled me something awful, and thrust a flash-
ing needle-dagger deep into the crumpling breast of the jacket. At a
throbbing limp, amputated music came from the shop door. And here
was Biichten Road again, shiny reflections : the small town.
A blubbering wench, her exuberant hams covered with thin dirnd] cloth,
came at a droning gallop into my peripheral line of vision : ? (aha : to
the midwife ! E. Klaus.).
Exact time ? : you see, in humid weather (i.e. : barometric low) the turnip
ran slow on principle; around three minutes a day; and I stuffed it back
into my tummy, marsupially disgruntled : still a good 70 minutes to
kill ! Then, however, I went and made inquiries about the post office,
and had them send me the package from <home> as per prearrangement.
(Which means, I had given the box to the postman in Saarburg,
a friend of mine; and had asked him, just as soon as my postcard ar-
rived meee 2
But what a droll clerk this fellow was too ! : instead of <yes> he replied with
either <Can be put that way> or <I’m convinced of that». (Have to think
up some questions to ask him sometime, like “This is Wednesday, isn’t
it ?” or “Do you love me, Oscar ?”). Polite vapid small talk, long-
necked toothy smile : now that really pleased me. Sure. (And bowing
with long torso, like a learned academic).
Back again : “Uh-by the way : my name’s «Walter Eggers>” (and theirs
Thumann : his Karl, hers Frieda. In passing, upstairs, a beefy pair of
connubial beds).
The furnished room : a pretty runner, split gray and blue, beside the bed; on
it, look there, a pair of bright yellow slippers : wasn’t the right stepping
on the left one’s toes ? ! (And brow furrows : do it automatically, can’t
help it). The floor freshly coated with red medicinally scented wax :
you strode grimly through cloudy puddles of blood (my face at once
took on that martial expression, and they falteringly repeated the price
of the rent).
: “And ’t’s total=ly p’tected ’gainst the east wind !” — “Which never blows
in these parts.” — “Well yes” he admitted, “but all the same... .”.
(Tolerable view; from the southwest in an arc of 270 degrees to the
southeast, if you helped yourself to the dormer; sometimes through
treetops; and suddenly both of them were very interested : earn <lotsa>
money; and at same time prevent the Housing Office from sending
over new occupants.).
Alone : plate : how would it be if there were just black ones; and with
jagged irregular rim ? (But it’s probably harder to wash up; and I
 THE STony HEART M7

chowed down some more, more morosely : it’s all worthless ! Supper;
standing; using my hands).
The jakes (and he showed it with some uneasiness : quite rightly so) : dark
symbols hung from every stinking wall, formed by brooms, barrel
hoops, old aprons, anticipated knickknackification : what do I know
about train connections in Tasmania ? ! (Upstage sneer, at my self. And
some more pungeant sniffing).
“Ts all of that your yard ? !” (approvingly); and all of it was his : wash-
lines, garden beds, even the grove of fruit trees at the back : “Half an
acre ? : Hm, not bad !”
“Oh, so you drive a truck ? !” Deliver milk ? To Berlin ? ? ! (Interesting
occupation; Ill have to ask him all about it sometime. — But for now,
repay his trust — damn — : what was my occupation now ? ——: “I’m
a buyer’. (Clever, huh ? ! not a clue for anywho; but he gave a sly
upward jerk of his head, as if he knew it all now)).
“Could I listen to the news with you ?” : Sure ! : He led me at once into the
kitchen. — Adenauer=Friedlander was again making his usual oratio
pro domo. (Every politician wants to king it ! You can tell me all you
want about how sorry you are to <have to rearm> !). Blank polishing up
on his army regs. Still more yes=men. Auto accidents and sports, in
demonically banal motley. Beromiinster also announced the <federal
councilry> decree : “Every alien who resides in the country without
MNteCrUplure sa! <1=.”, and we burst into nods : apparently they’ ve all
got a hernia. — (But no books to be seen as yet : bad sign : there weren’t
any ! Good sign : they were lying neglected in the attic ? —- Nobody tells
me anything !).
Against our Restoration : “The Weimar years were the most intelligent
years Germany ever experienced !” The most intelligent years; the fre-
est years; the years freest from religion and uniforms. His whole body
giggled with the Socialist Party, and our accord grew greater again.
“Join me in smoking an Africaine ?” : he didn’t know the Saar brand yet,
and inhaled with interest —, — : “My, those ahr strong ! — —”. (I only
blew it through my nose, inhaling into my lungs at most 2, 3 times;
don’t want to get back into the habit. At any rate our accord grew
greater again; and wife Frieda coquettishly moved her white buxom-
ness kitchen-counter-wise : 38 C at least !). Then the voice announcing
the time gave its groveling threat : “...in thirty seconds....:...” (and
I quickly fled the house before the stroke of the gong).
An iron lantern head, with gaunt cheek guards, stared absently into its
circle of light. I was so astigmatic that I had called “Here, kitty-kitty !”
to the whiskbroom lying in the vestibule. / Inside : “Wha’dja say his
8 M ARNO SCHMIDT

job was ? ——’nd not mahried ? —— Well, he did pay in advance !”.
(The moon, half its face blackened, lay in ambush for me around the
house corner).
“Good night !—: ?—: Nono: you needn’t wake me; I get up on my own:
thanks !”
Through alien furniture wildernesses : tunneled corridors of erratic right-
angled widths : except in the mirrors something was moving. (And
upstairs stearin lamp and matches. The water pitcher had been filled
too : I’m really curious if they still have anything !).
Dormer : veil with dots : the fabric pulling past in great bolts, for hours, at
an even pace, always crossing half the test lamp. (Ah yes, on this earth
you also meet several very mute people with pale-gray faces).
But first get out of my clothes : just take out pyjamas; I can empty my
suitcase into the wardrobe tomorrow. (Thought facets, dulled and num-
berless).
When will we finally have clocks that you can read as a quick and easy
21:34 ?! I gaped into my timepiece’s round monkey-face; first got the
two hands confused of course; and then frowning, transposed the
graphic representation into human numbers : all wasted time ! (When it
would be so simple ! : 2 cellophane drums running concurrently; the
hours red, minutes black; every 60 seconds the last one flips ahead, so
that you would painlessly read within the slot : 21:34; y’ can only
shake your head. — A chamberpot was discreetly placed under the bed :
bon ! : am a leaky old man).
In the gabled wall the two little window niches : : lovely dark already. Only
one light, far to the north : ? —-—— steady ! — According to my ordnance
map — then — using the magnifying glass —— : HELLBERG, a hamlet. But
lovely dark and very silent.
I placed the chair on top ofthe table against the slanting northeast wall, and
up onto the throne (a house roof, with a bust standing in the middle : as
a sketch it’d look downright surrealistic.)
Nothing but skillets, greased with savage blue light ! — Over there, the <Old
Leine> glittered. Loner trees pasturing. Moon bent down close check-
ing veiledness.
In the neighbor's yard the house wall burst open; a voice jovialized : No
One saw my bust stuck on the middle of the roof ! (But it’s time now,
megalomania returns !)
Count my money again : here 2; at home 3; makes 5 thousand altogether : it
can last another 3 years with no trouble ! Even if nothing gets added
onto it :and there’s sure to be something in the meanwhile ! (And put
out the light).
 THE Stony HEART #9

Frazzledom : my voice stammered away in the underbrush of dreams, red

fish were eating me again. Womanity, with the face of all maidens,
legged my way. In the high stairwell of the school, in the surge of
faces, my own vanished.....
Lying in the gray, as if in molten memory (with rust-wide borders, at which
the cock atop guffawed). Then :
Watch in finger prongs (so the distillation of words is working again. Filled
with all species of twilights).
The chamber ceiling, traversed by 4 heavy beams : with middling certainty
SHE has to be the great-granddaughter of Jansen : if the house has been
in the family long enough, it is quite possible that whatever is left has
landed here. (The other two male lines had had nothing at any rate !).
I must slowly bring her round to speaking about her family; then
old books. And so on. (Above all, mention that they can mean <money>
too ; they seem very receptive to that. And also find out who is in
charge here).
Fragrance, reddish sheen, appeared plate-glassed in the dormer; my blood
jingled faraway hits (the ones from your youth; when you were young;
meaning Lauban).
From downstairs : a verbal stampede ! (Apparently telling each other <The
Truth»). — “Well, if that ain’t the limit ! -— — !” (: Him. Did not, how-
ever, put anything into exact, cutting words, but went on making help-
less roars : appears, then, that she’s in charge !).
Standing up : between the beams, the ceiling was 7 feet 10 inches high
(since I could still just touch it with my fingertips). The locker : a wee
thing but mine own, and even has a key : should I leave it in or take it
out later on ? Leaving it in might prove childlike=patriarchal trust; tak-
ing it out that my credit is good, that I can take care of my own. — (So,
take it out !).
The somber skeleton of the washstand : memento mori. (But the bed was in
fact wonderful ! With noiseless peutétre=springs; long and warm).
Quickly lay the book on the table : now that was some fellow too, this
James Kirke Paulding, <The Puritan’s Daughter» ! : hadn’t he just cop-
ied the Goffe=episode right out of Cooper’s <Conanchet> ? ! (And/or
out of Scott’s <Peveril>; but steal it he did ! Which means that
<Koningsmarke> is to be sampled with caution !). — Plus the folder with
letters in it : that way she’ll have something to read when she cleans,
and they’re all mysterious, learned trumpery (but she dare not find the
<Jansen> family tree !).
So:-=-
Across from my room, the lathwork walls of the attic ! ! : were they still
10 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

bickering downstairs ? — ? — “By thrice-great Huhmes ! ! —” he shouted

wearily now — —
Alright, put my. eyesto 1} L—=: =; —=t==—
Hm : the usual : chair rubble. «Enlargements» of fathers and mothers of
unutterable monstrosity : right beside me, in a stand-up collar wide as
your hand and nicely cravatted, one of them was holding a velocipede,
1905 model, at arm’s length with fake fearlessness, and underneath :
<I’ma genooine Buhlinah> ! : Let’s hope he was a Thumannic forebear.
— Chests with barreled lids : two. Crates. Collections of poles; and
burst willow baskets missing handles. Rolled blackout shades, left
over from the war; actually they could put one of those up for me;
people sometimes get the most remarkable urges, and not just every-
body needs to watch. — — Padlocks hm.
Her muzzle began to fire word sheafs : red vowels collided (ricocheted);
consonants bumble-beed and banged at angles, dum=dum; she shook
her strapping hair and puffed eyes. (With the white terzeruolo hand and
index-finger that had been leveled implacably at him) : “Would y’
please git yoah camembeahs off the chaiah !”. (Stockings, as it turned
out : “The only bad habit y’ ain’t got ’s t’bacca chewin’ !”).
He bent his torso forward, and emptied 1 ohm of curses over her :
“You ? : What a big boob you ahr !” he shouted angrily. “You shouldna
said that” (her; huffy) “at least not in my presence. — And aftah
livin’ with you foah 15 yeahs, it’s hahd not bein’ a boob.” (So she’s in
charge !).
Their shadows swung their arms; they were both still exchanging loath-
some looks as I strode around the newel post with deliberate bounce.
(Fading echo : “Make yuhself scahce !”; and she, loftily : “Do what-
evah !”).
In our mouths tongues serpentined, vowels knitted with sibilants, valves
burbled nimbly, buzzings basked (and here it all meant something !
Unplug your mouth from P to an a, they hovered beyond my stubble-
field face. Then later a double n, and it actually tickled : keep thinking
no matter what; that’Il take you a long way !).
“Git a move on : mine’ah movin’ !” crude, but clever, this chauffeur; and,
almost properly out of sight, dumped something in the shed that would
have caused the ancients to erect a bidental on the spot. —
“Nope, you’ah not gittin’ ‘ny schnapps : y’ gotta go t’? wuhk latah !” (no
matter how he begged, with sardonic whinnies, and tippler face elabo-
rately flabby=greedy : “Jist one snoaht, Frieder”, with an ee-ahr at the
end. So the queen regent was likewise guardian of the schnapps, Reine
de l’Alcool; and he grumbled along with me into the back yard).
 THE Stony HEART HH 11

Fire gillies, flame pinks & picotees : the Weissmantel system of carna-
tions; flower-fanciers are everywhere. (“Yep; she’s al’ays hidin’ the
bottle.” And she’s probably right to do it, too : him a trucker ? “Well,
yeah” he admitted, “but all the same !”. And no irenic comments on my
part helped at that point).
POW in Ireland, he had been, and could say <shit> in Celtic. I in Brussels;
and repaid his trust :
Sign language : <The deaf-mute couple in divorce court» (and he bleated
vigorously : the parfait gentil knyght / loveth tales of gentilesse).
Electric shaving ? ! : Nah ! ! : not worth it ! : Never shaves you really
smooth; and for the 50 marks one of the things costs, you can shave the
old-fashioned way for 10 years like the Emperor’s righthand man !
Inside (he pulled me in) : concerning the use of old lexica : Meyer, 3rd
edition, 1874, vol. 1 p. 404 : praise of alcohol : the voice becomes
richer, the stride more elastic; “a small schnapps after the enjoyment of
a heavy meal has proved its value”; “brandy is the poor man’s spice”;
and provides a certain mental stimulation and increased productivity
for the worker exhausted and wearied by his labor ! And so he demon-
strated, trotting elastically before her : — ? ? —
Nothing : nothing whatever ! ! She remained firm; and I tried a smile of
amusement for him, of approval for her. (A fellow needs a Janus head).
“I’m going for a little walk, alright ? — Dinner at 1 o’clock ? : but of course :
that’s fine with me.”
Right next door the <Ahlden Registry Office» (and a beslimed motorcycle);
Gundermann & Hederich. Green caps, SA-style, in the display win-
dows : I recalled that I was in Lower Saxony.
(<Dr. Mellbriigge> : these rich bastards can never get enough : even the
consonants in their names have to be doubled whenever possible !).
«German Corned Beef> ? : They seem to think that if they cook tubes of
guts and some scrapmeat together they end up with corned beef ? ! :
Are you in for a surprise with your <German Quality» ! ! (Jet planes
drew white t-racery around the sun. Telephone lines : ought to be able
to blossom a little too. And in the fall show a red leaf now and then; or
the like.)
Cobbler Oldekopp, Franz : God preserve our Franz the Kaiser. (Then agri-
cultural machines, toxic garish, the way the German farmer loves ’em :
either kitsch or field-gray, don’t know nuttin’ else !).
Inside : “A package of vaniya, please !” (That’s the ever so proper sort, for
whom the the correct Spanish <vanilya> sounds too plebian; the same
ones who on principle nasalize Hoffmann’s friend into <Devriang>, in-
stead of the honest=Dutch <de Vrient>; your privy-councillor widows
12 M ARNO SCHMIDT

or executive-director spouses. And then she got her little sack of Bour-
bon vanilla, C,H,O,, and would cook hubby a pretty pudding today,
your 2 ounces for 14 people : I’d rather have a worker butting my butt
than her facing my face ! Likewise the grocer made a couple of all-
round Occidental Christian remarks, hushed, with upper lip drawn low,
and could hardly look at you : presumably’s got his teeth at the smithy.
“Gladly, Frau Doktor !”’).
Cautious grocer : he handled words, long-shanked, among garlands of
Oxydol and Woolite, <Let not anything confuse thee»; many a word
emerged rosy-rhombic, as if typeset, against the shelved background;
and I, too, took pains with right-angled gestures, trial and error. (A
little boy waited doggedly for his bonbon bonus, and received, since
the glass jar was empty, an aspirin : man of quick decisions, he was; fit
to command a regiment. — : “A tube of Elmer’s, please. — Small one.”).
In school’s vicinity : “Vroomm ! !” : boys playing «Werner Haas>; crouched
with chins jutting forward; one of them had used soot to paint on his
<goggles>; another held onto the skewed wheel of a child’s wagon as
his steering wheel.
La civilisation est en marche : were they not producing jelly jars in such
charming shapes that you could use them afterward as flower vases ? !
Stationery store : English for <Pro patria> is <fool’s cap»; gives one suf-
ficient pause. — The usual varnished prose. The push-button automat
of our literature, so long aspired to (and long since reestablished) for
reasons of state. Which was all the easier to accomplish, since in any
case our intellectual opposition is used to being a stunted orchid with
roots in the air. And so we’ ve once again caught the drift of the monks.
A horse nodded bitterly my way : I went right next door and bought
some sugar cubes (then the dim sign language <between> man and
beast).
But the roomy present : 2 bridges next to one another (that is to say, just
the piers of the left one; the right one Tommy-narrow and grated
o’er : should I still walk across it ? — Tufts of grass said nay with green
ponytails (was only the wind, of course; how should they know other-
wise ? ! But I sauntered more indecisive still)).
The old chateau : here the Princess of Ahlden had sat for twenty-three
years, carefully guarded : at the time it was a double-moated castle (I
had researched the matter long enough in the documents of the Lower
Saxony State Archive. And copied out the old Vogell plans).
In the courtyard : the lovely old half-timbered walls stood out clearly in
the sun-wind; the venerably gaunt pump out in the unshaded middle
jiggled its queue sternly.
 THE Stony HEArT #13

But now it was thickly settled and a district court : white laundry
gymnasticked across (the rear); on the right was the oldest wing, prob-
ably stables and coach houses in its day. (Left, the cellar trapdoor :
could the subterranean passage to the Bunkenburg have begun here ?
Or had it led over to the brewery ? You could still trace the old moats
exactly by the processions of reedy banners).
And the constant mysterious attempts to free her : On 6 Dec. 1717, a dark
and stormy night, at about 2 o’clock in the morning, a stranger, who
was to remain unidentified, gets as far as the vaults of the gatehouse
(““Lundi dernier, le 6 décembre, a deux heures et demie du matin” reads
the report of Herr von Malortie); at once asks in a strange dialect (“d’une
voix assez basse’’) the equally surprised and confused guard for — the
time (though the church-tower clock rang even quarter-hours !) and
disappears again into the rustling dark void. The little door in the gate
of the (outer) drawbridge was found open, although it could be proved
that it had been locked and double-checked that very evening ! At the
inn and in the taverns of all the surrounding villages, no traveler like
this stranger could be identified; hmmm. (I don’t need a guide ! — But
I'll walk over here daily; practice my pictorial powers).
Now the tower clock struck (as it had then !) and sent its 12 round cobold
clangs tumbling down. Onto the cobblestones. — Slowly back down the
Lange Strasse.
I always have the feeling as if, about even with my head, <I> were located
behind <me>. So then, <I> and <moi>. (Meaning of course that Fatty
down there has to be <moi> ! Glower at the sun a little; open my shirt
collar; do some discreet scratching).
Past my logis : the chimney was already smoking auspiciously ! —
Arising biliously from the earth ; the young farmer hunched behind his
pipe, and gawked at me through the business end of his bushwhacker.
From greasy eyes; the lawn gnome ! (It’s the rhythm that’s most un-
bearable ! : faster or slower, you can put it out of your mind : but what
nerves a critter must have endlessly to spawn such things ? ! It’s simply
another race of humans !).
A bird climbed out of its dust funnel into the air. Now and then a latticed
gate opened : only black-white cows admitted ! (And so with envious
wide nostrils lower my head. Nor can anyone so easily persuade me
that my feet in their leather boxes belong to me. They’re too far away
from me).
The sun at once made a liquid mask for me. Turning to look, I wrapped the
landscape about my face. Only 3 colors : green below; blue above; the
brown muddy stroke; of my path.
14 M@ ArRNo SCHMIDT

<Impassable roads» : this was definitely one here ! : Clay mush, 2 spans
deep. So just hold tight to the wiry hedges; wrench your back; with
disgusted fermata mouth : Bh ! (and stepped in it once anyhow, clear
over my pants cuff !).
At glassy distance the roofs of Hellberg, the hamlet. (Where the five-point
intersection of roads entices; and the Diishorn Brook. Must be an old
ford across the Aller there too.)
Moi on the green slide (the blue cover-plate over it); and I disparagingly
observed lab-specimen me. But I was not the only ocuzoon : a cow
approached with tact and watched me yummily; the droning motor
inside ceaselessly turned the tail crank : Yes, move on !
A naked senior-class girl on a boy’s bike : the notion seemed particularly
prurient; and I let it ride toward moi for a while, real close, until she
was almost standing still with a wobbling front wheel (while I pushed
my way past the group, up and around on the right).
<And whistling now he strides behind / his plow in furrows long» ? : This
one was cursing with whatever his ornery mouth would hold : at his
horses; at the meadow ore; at me, for I, a purely perceiving individual,
watched him with intentional objectivity, in total Greekness; until he
became so desperately abusive that now it was either manslaughter or
departure. (And so dignified departure; just outside of town now : sure
to be mealtime).
The senior-class girl had also ridden off behind me. A sound ring (the
tower clock) floated past, turning its disk, now edge, now surface. And
up ahead the punctual gabeled wall was growing larger.
Merry we three in the kitchen : and the canned roast looked so prettily
abstract, the rosy bricks with their rounded-off edges, so that nowa-
days you don’t even have to imagine slaughterhouse and animal death-
rattles. Plus splendid cauliflower with artfully implanted brown
minced meatballs : “It’s simply fantastic, Frau Thumann !”
First, music ran out of its Bakelite funnel : voices blubbered (“. . . . Leo
sure can amuse / when he rolls those baby-blues . . .”).
So dial another station : the oldest resident of Langenflénsheim (or some-
thing Hessian like that) : was a 102-year-old woman; her husband had
fallen in the War of 1870 ! ! We looked at each other nonplussed (and
more unsteadily !) : can that really be ? ! (But then we exploded :
“She’s been drawing a widow’s pension for 84 years !””).
Bwong~bwong : “<The bells 0’ Saint Matthew’s ahr rrringin’ in the Sab-
bath> !” the chauffeur cheered with fake exultation, and teasingly
slapped the swaying, sloshing air with his hands : instead of one Mr.
Grundy=Bracht, we were ruled now by three score of ’em; every
 THE STONY HEART # 15

journalist openly admitted that he had actually been a seeker of God

for years; catholic kids were shown films of how it looks in hell; and to
even things out, the abolition of civil marriage was being considered,
likewise the introduction of church tithes : for butchering, first-plow-
ing, transporting, harvesting : to be delivered to the local pastor the
first of every month !
If Ihadn’t been born an atheist, the sight of Adenauer’s Germany would
make me one !
(Pants had a zipper : he came in from the jakes, stamping and bellowing,
his belly painfully in hand : pulling it up, he had got pubic hair caught
and half-scalped himself down there.) — Subsequent to which :
Discussion : Wouldn’t human beings behave better if they did not believe
in immortality ? !
“If from time immemorial humankind had known and believed nothing ex-
cept that death is the true end of life : all the bonds of love and friend-
ship would have been drawn tighter. Let us use as our measure our
experience when we are about to be separated from a very dear friend,
without any hope of seeing him again; or when with hopeless certainty
we foresee that we shall lose someone we love through death : how
very different do our emotions become than before, when we could
flatter ourselves with the prospect of living life with them for an end-
less number of years ? ! What a completely different interest we now
take in such persons and for everything they say and do ! How impor-
tant to us each proof, be it ever so small, that we render them of our
love. How carefully we endeavor to use every minute, which we now
value as we had before an entire day, to guess the faintest wish of our
loved one; to spare him every discomfort; to ease his every burden ! :
But how careless are we made by the familiar hypothesis, with its hint
of irresponsible levity, that we shall in fact still be able to live with our
loved ones for time without end ! If we were firmly convinced that our
tenderest bonds are restricted to the narrow, very uncertain duration of
this life, and would totally cease with death : all our emotions of sym-
pathy would thereby profit endlessly ! And how much more sparing
would not such a belief make us of that most precious of all goods, of
time 2?!” (Therefore also an argument against Lessing’s much-admired
consoling aphorism 4 la <Is not all of eternity mine> !).
“Still sounds pahradoxical t’ me” he suggested agreeably=pensively (but
certainly welcoming the idea, since he now had another point against
Christians; she, too, listened attentively from behind the curtain of
her lashes, and was so quiet that he spent her ironic praise. — Further
stimuli for today were : a) to employ lie detectors for campaign orators
16 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

and during Bundestag debates : that’d blow the needle off the scale !;
b) when will the United States finally elect a woman president ? !).
“When are you taking off ?” : at 3 o’clock his shotgun was bringing the
truck over from Rethem (which he then took over here) : “we’ah
ohdinahr’ly in Buhlin by 9:30. Spend the night theah. Then we staht
out at 5 the next mohnin’ : and ahr us’ally heah by 11.” (Then 28 hours
of rest; and I soberly added it all up : a pretty rat race | And what all
a big city sucks in : even from this distance ! “’round 210 miles” he
confirmed as he chewed).
2 one-legged crooks with canes : swung themselves up to the front door
and brazenly shouted : “Hey, give us three mahks !”. When that didn’t
catch fire, they offered razor blades for 1 mark 20 (that cost 50
pfennigs in the store !). When the chauffeur, girded with his dreadfully
wide belt, indignantly showed them the garden gate, the rascals turned
sassy : They’d never seen anything like it ! Unbelievable ! (And the
schnapps fumed from their hatches) : When they had given “their
limbs” “for Germany” ! (As if in those days people had first scouted
things out, and had then patriotically signed up : Here, take what legs
you need ! — They and the SS-returnees think Germany is still there for
them !). (But were downright chagrined that they hadn’t found a patsy
this time. — As consolation, I then told the true story : of a peddler’s
crowning achievement: selling a pair of suspenders to an old lady who
lived by herself).
First let him be on his way ! : gonna lie down for an hour. (First, however,
the merry=queasy, splendid=easing feeling of a copious semi-diarrhea;
then I went upstairs).
On my back; just in my gym shorts (and the dormer open). — —— (From time
to time the name of the little river came swimming by in wooden letters;
has to be the attentiveness of some distant mayor upstream — — —). —
Ouch : 20 after 3 already ! : Comb (wet my hair); socks, shirt, trousers.
(Downstairs : broken song slunk off through the stomps of the sewing
machine).
Now, how organically to lead into our first lengthy conversation ? — ? —:
Coffee, cane sugar, condensed milk, I’ve got : so I can ask her for some
hot water; offer to share some with her of course; 3 tablespoons to the
pint, 6 minutes to brew : fine !— Then I resolutely opened my pocket-
knife, and cut another button from my shirt (at the wrist) : she’s sewing
just now, and that will add the personal dimension).
“Could you perhaps lend me a coffeepot ? : And some hot water ?” She came
along into the kitchen and watched me with quizzical interest; stretched
across her, a cinnamon-colored dress with gold-wrapped buttons.
 THE STONY HEART #17

“May I offer you a cup ? — : Please !” (with profoundly shy glance and
adoring mouth; once more : “Please !””). She blushed enormously (up
to No. 8 on a scale of ten); but didn’t break into a smile, just wrinkled
suddenly : “You’ah missin’ a button !”
“My, is this evah strong !” : she took a deep and happy breath (I mean at
least 38 C ! !); but first another look at the cheesecake in the electric
oven : | up top, 3 below —: “Suah : c’mon upstaihs with me please.”
Upstairs the floating-bobbined Singer had been set up, with its modern
streamline head. But first she needed time to finish what she had been
working on. I pulled a low footstool over, and we chatted, sweet real
coffee in our bushy bellies, wonderfully vapid and all in a jumble. (She
pulled one piece after the other out of the hill of clothes on her left;
little pink bags and sacks; her shears twittered with excitement) :
“Why’ah y’ al’ays runnin’ round with a map ?”. Hmm (first smile approv-
ingly). : “Ah, you see —: I’m actually a buyer —” (she nodded with
curiosity, and I hurried ahead to add disdainfully) “— not cheese-or-
cattle-or-the-like ! —’. (Start over again !): “In Hamburg I’ve got a
friend I went to university with —” (always sounds so high-class, and
raises you along with it, right ? !) “— has a big construction company — :
He builds villas for the rich : industrialists, writers, politicians; actors
too : And he’s commissioned me to have a look around the district
here, for where the particularly lovely sites are.” (The lie was out. She
was listening so hard, she had forgotten her treadling, and didn’t seem
convinced yet).
So bring on the reasons ! (And I pretended total confidence in victory) :
“First, a town just big enough to have shops of all sorts. Railroad and
bus connections. But at the same time small enough — and unlikely to
be developed ! — to guarantee city folk bucolic tranquility : ?”. That
worked. (Although, as local patriot, she was not at all pleased with
<cunlikely to be developed»; I first had to prove it to her from the popu-
lation figures — had I researched the subject already or not ? ! — that
Ahlden had stayed constant at 800 for 130 years now — today, what
with refugees, 1000 if you like; fine; granted). “Then there’s the
intimate historical interest of the place : when Aunt Emma or Herr and
Frau Judge come for a visit, you’ve always got something to show
them !”. “Exemplary opportunities for swimming ! : —’; I pointed to
the map’s configurations, how there in the northeast the <Old Leine»
made a three-quarter loop : “The <Serpentine> in Hyde Park isn’t any
larger !”. «Shady Oaks» : a splendid wood a quarter-mile in length”
(unfortunately marred somewhat by the soccer field : “they could have
put that somewhere else !” while gazing at her with deep reproach, as if
18 M ARNO SCHMIDT

she were at fault !): “all that’s missing are a couple of easy paths for
promenading !”. “And then there’s not a single house on the north side
so far ! : Imagine 6 villas — each with a big, magnificent lawn : flag-
stone paths ! — a half-mile of paved street connecting our country lane
up here with Hodenhagen Road — ?” (And always pointing at the map.
All the arguments that I was coming up with ! Apparently the project
wasn’t all that stupid. - Even she caught speculative fire, and made a
thick nodding lower lip).
She synchronized the chewing of her shears and threaded her tongue
through the eye of her mouth : “But the town council’s not gonna open
any 0’ that foah development !”. “That’s surely just a matter of money”
I determined with billioned indifference “and is no concern of mine: I
deliver the detailed report to my employer : an assessment with map
and photos. — ve got my camera upstairs” I stole the march on her.
(So; my existence 1s now justified !).
She treadled a while and rubbed the tip of her tongue over her lower lip :
“T’ve got a lahge meadow m’self : ovah along the Allah : inhehrited
from my fathah.”
“Nah : the Thumanns come from Kirchwalsede. — I was bohn a Jansen.”
(There : first mention of the name ! ! : Careful now and good luck !).
“Up north there ? With the view toward Hellberg ?” (critical queries; and
then rock my head disapprovingly : that’s too far from town ! : “Well
we could have a look at it sometime.” Hmm. And rock.)
“Aeh, jist old fuhnituah, don’t y’ know : chests ’nd such; cahved
wahdrobes. : Spinnin’ wheels !” (smiling indulgently) : “Rich people
often like to decorate rooms with antiques. — And old books — —” I
added with hammering heart.
Her mouth lengthened disdainfully to the right : “My grandfathah was
somethin’ of a writah too.” “Your grandfather ?” I asked, honestly per-
plexed (make a speedy tally : that really can’t be possible, can it ? !
“Jansen : Jansen ?” I pretended to search my memory).
(Down below an accordion scraped past : the school class on a virginal
hike. With bright green gestures a pair of them asked for a glass of
water across the way. The skirts quivered; the hair reposed; the eyes
glided here and there).
“Aeh not the way y’ think : not a poet oah the like ! — I’m told he put
togethah some kind 0’ statistical repohts.” And going on : “My fathah
was al’ays talkin’ *bout it : he lived t’ be 92; he could still remembah it
"n fact : the <Blind King» nd the like : he could git downright excited
“bout it ! Right to the end he kept hopin’ that Hanovah ’d be indepen-
dent again someday — ’nd such folderol.” — And then, with cautious
 THE Stony HEART @ 19

amazement, I got it out of her : Jansen’s last son (Conrad Fiirchtegott

Friedebald, born in Celle on 21 March 1848 : know all about it, my
child !) had in fact become her papa at age 66; and finally died here in
Ahlden on 2 December 1940 : in this house : ’sindeed !
“A writer | ?” I affected reverence. Very brief pause. Then I let it <hit me
suddenly». : “They usually have quite respectable libraries : is any of
his left perhaps ?” (cool=bold) : “Things like that can go for a lot of
money sometimes ! — Especially now, since the war, when books have
gotten scarce — ?” (and made as clear=commercial a pair of eyes as I
knew how : damn, if only she picks up on it ! and doesn’t notice any-
thing !).
“Aeh — up in the attic there’s prob’ly somethin’ of it.” she said indiffer-
ently through a piece of shirt; and then stood up to brush a speck away
with a murmur : that grand female passion was hers as well. “Yes, that
would interest me” I confirmed rigorously : “that can amount to hun-
dreds of marks.” (She looked up at once : first pleasantly surprised;
then mistrustful; then benevolent again. Hesitating : “I thi-ink theah’s
still a crateful of ’em.” “Could we have a look at them, tomorrow
maybe ?” (<We>: Conspirateroticism. — And tomorrow morning : I
edged closer, and held an enticing wrist out to her : smiling : “Ohmy,
I’d — almost — fuhgotten ’bout that !”’).
In her button box : how often I’d dared put childish hands into such a
pebbled world ! And this one too was a large pied jumble, and I told
all about it : the mother-of-pearl disklet moons of yore (their backs
sometimes nutty clamshell); the simple wooden ones; the ones with
2, 3 and 4 holes; the ones with padded rims; the ones with indistinct
bronze anchors or the Hamburg coat-of-arms : “Aeh, yoah fathah was a
coppah ?”. Yes; forever surrounded by whores and drowned corpses;
the Tale of a Fat Man; I gloomily lowered my forty-five-year-old head
(and felt her unexpectedly sympathetic gaze; while mine rolled about
in her cinnamon-colored lap, puttered. She had <attended> secondary
school, and education demoralizes, just as Genesis suggests).
Button inscriptions : our hands glided into a muddle; sometimes I even
dared gingerly to lift one of her fingers away (to pull out some espe-
cially lovely specimen beneath it. Smiles and “Hmm’). Several times
she bumped me, too, with her little finger : here : <A. Shirley Ltd
B’ham>. Or a German one from 1910 : <sturdy/elegant>. A new
delicious silence.
Here : «For Gentlemen> : the one I want ! We laughed flirtatiously. Then
she sewed it on with tapered fingers, meaningfully pulled my wrist to
her mouth, and bit off the thread, like some murderous kiss : ! = (And
20 M ARNO SCHMIDT

the lattice gate groused in the wind below; quickly sidestep into mat-
ters impersonal : a) “What should I do with my laundry ? “ : “Ooh: ‘Il
do the small stuff m’self !” and we breathed, wide-nostriled : new by-
ways of erotics; in the warm water, the marriage of fingers, softened
with Dreft, at the crotch : her plump feet moved at a more strenuous
gallop over the wide pedal).
“Ah, so yoah an unb’lievah too ! — : Suah : Vll lay the Ahlden Chronicle
out foah y’ today yet. — You'll have t’ take a walk down t’ the Bottoms :
wheah the hehrons ahr ! — : Hmm! : Till latah !”. (Slowly and taking
my time : calmly let those glands fill up !).
Upstairs : check how I looked (in the mirror !). And whistle, right through
the Kéchel catalogue : me dishonor you ? : why should I ?! (For Jansen
of course : so naive she wasn’t).
Go for a swim : a long pond had camped out at the edge of the trees, and
was sunning its green-haired belly. (The first cloud zeppelin shoved its
way up from behind the chateau) : why shouldn’t I go naked as well ? !
(A number of heads were gallivanting perpendicularly across it).
The red one : on strong white legs ! : She sawed her groin regions with the
edge of her hand, and gazed in annoyance at the world on her right
(where I was located !); at once buttoned her halter and looked my way
and up: ?
In the water (and poor me had to leave my glasses on the shore ! !) : pale
breadth of face; snorkel nose; with hard eye sockets. Every moment
her arms leapt in the way (then she threw herself on her back and let
just her buxom, globed breasts hold her above water. On past me. —
Except, 1 foot struck lightly against my gasping calf: !).
Black cloud volcanoes, and a breeze rattled in lustfull expectation : all I
needed, for thunderstorms to start stinking it up ! You’re even sup-
posed to be grateful, right ? ! — Climbing out beside little yellow flow-
ers (a man-sized bay; at the edge a tiny yellow blossomlet : my point of
orientation !).
With long blue eyes, and wind-warped hair : at one side of her glistening
face; a long arm flowed from her shoulder into the grass and soon
seeped away there. (All of us clad in water-crimped costumes). (And
there : a red-haired one, stumpy flames about her face, ran before the
wind, and collapsed with a voluptuous laugh in the shallows : an eddy
of white limbs). (The creator=boar, up in the clouds, grunted and let
loose; farted and staled. But further over toward the west, Rethem :
what’s Rethem to us ? Despite Mittelhausser’s tale. Lying in green
evening, and in a twilight. To hold up the leg : is intentional distur-
bance, for it shakes, as is well-known, the moon in her path !).
 Pie Swtonw lela ama |_| wil

Get dressed : clippety-clop as far as a hedge (only then did I rummage me

for it, ran out listlessly, too. Your only choice is between exploding
and rotting !). —
Had it not been for the red-hot limousine, and the harebrained chauffeur,
who of all things hit the throttle once he got right beside me : the
thought would never have entered my head — huffing in like a lightning
bolt : pay 500 marks to myself in Hodenhagen, and thus better my
credit-rating decisively ! ! (And get a move on, otherwise they’II soon
be closing shop ! — <Eickeloh> : only in Lower Saxony can you find
troll names like that !)
The sky had aged in frightening fashion : grown gray; wrinkled expanse;
Ihardlywouldaknewya; crease clusters round a cyclops; I’m forever
faltering.
(I don’t grasp enough ! Too small of heart : a dirty trick of the manufac-
turer ! Variegated sandstone seams in the clouds. Among them, way at
the back, a slit of squinting blue).
Hodenhagen Post Office : The motorscooterette with pale gray crash-hel-
met ! : She shuffled boldly in her slouchy pedal pushers up to the money
window; one hand in her poke; the well-strapped backpack hung tough
over her shoulder. A cold taxator glance : ——: then without further ado
she stepped in front of me; shoved the other hand into her slacks
pocket, and waited blankly with me. (What must her opinion have been :
<cavalier> or <idiot» ? — Well, maybe she really is in a hurry. — : Okay,
idiot ! —— Return).
The surge of the stars. The white flourish of the moon.
The giant spiders : in the angles of the Aller bridge, of its iron framework
(and down below some fellow was swimming, etui-like, I’ veserved-
myapprenticeship, toward Verden : bloodbath 782. The night proudly
displayed her one gold tooth. Just <get home>.) —
Close the shutters ? : | waded — cavalier after all — around the cottage (and
could even hook the top hooks, because I was <so big>; inside she
praised me then, contented languor, greatly. And had smoked the place
with DDT : poisoned flies snored and topspun in every corner).
Ah, home-cured ham! : a telephone pole would have bent over backwards
for it. And sardines you could have set before an Undine with no hesita-
tion ! (The first new fly was also quite excited at such an evening snack).
“Good night !” (and still hesitated artfully, as if Ifound it difficult).
To the jakes : night sky with thin seams of gas; finger rolls, wrapped in
crumpled stuff, printed and full of comma bacilli : «Elisabeth Bravely
Goes Her Way»; a broken-off horn spoon stuck; in the stiff celestial
gruel (= moon).
22 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

Upstairs : my table legged, as it were, 6,395,329'/, yards from the equator.

(If the pole wasn’t shifting again at the moment, that is !). Swathed by
the diamond chainlet of stars (the fat night). Mid 1954, the magnetic
declination had been about 4.2 degrees to the west.
Back and forth : brushing teeth. (And knelt the while before the morrow’s
crate. Surrounded by thought-gangs. Symplegades of addicted no-
tions).
Dewfall is augmented by moonlight : on the horizon a star began to blink :
shortshort : long : short / Long : shortshort ! (So then, <F> and <D>, if I
haven’t forgotten everything ? — — But then I soon gave it up; wasn’t
gettin’ nothing; and the fat fellow went on busily tinseling. Just for
himself. Yom came the day, leila the night).
Consequently, she must be 40 ! — An oakleaf dangled in the moon’s dishey-
eled face. Moi took himself sleepily in his arms : one of those villas
over there wouldn’t be all that silly : not. silly. at. all. —
Mygodit’sonlyfour ! ; and try and try as I would, I could sleep no more !
Every dog yelped splotches in my dozings. Out of bungled flabby-
spongy gray. A motorcycle dragged balls of sound on past; in the
middle, great ones raged, shoving into each other.
A voice flew to the window and told effervescent lies : “We shall always
stand shoulder to shoulder !” : Though Graham Greene was denied
entry into the United States : and Franco’s daughter was received at the
White House !
The rosy dawn floated back and forth above the water. — To the gabled
window : was all still white-green and fresh. Foliage first pretended
stupidity and then started babbling for fright. (Think of <Paralipomena>
to the tune of <Hail Thou with Victory Crowned>).
Dress quietly : go on whistling soundlessly : <Tinker, tailor, soldier and a
sailor». Holberg=Suite. Thineis-theglo-ree : rihihisencon-kring-son. —
Glance at the clock : damn it all; so continue : «Lafayette aux cheveux
blancs>.
The streetlamps, | can mark them on my town map ! As little yellow circles
(I took note of them yesterday).
(The best thing probably : would be to act as if Iweren’t at all interested in
books ! — In case there really might be something there ! I can always
get rid of one part of it at used-book stores : Dorling. Heavenlydays : if
only a few of the missing years of the State Handbooks are among
them ! So that I can finally begin my card catalogue ! — That is, if her
father still took a passionate interest in the subject, he may have col-
lected all sorts of things ! And I inwardly cursed the sabbath laziness
of the morning sun).
 EE SIO NY ELE ARu mS

The «good old days», that ideal state of affairs, was based not a little on the
fact that poets back then knew nothing whatever of the people’s great
suffering (would that they had been concerned about why that Laoco6én
didn’t scream ! !). For example, the torments of <universal compulsory
military service> : those in power around 1750 were definitely neither
stupid nor all that considerate in exempting intellectual professionals
from military service : they knew precisely what they were doing ! :
they were too shrewd to give the alaloi countless spokesmen ! Other-
wise, even from back then one would have heard the desperate curses
shrieked nowadays by what are ostensibly effeminate, rootless, and
unpatriotic <intellectuals> ! : just imagine Hoélderlin as a barracks re-
cruit ! (Or Faust; or ETA Hoffmann : why do you suppose Herder,
shaken with horror, constantly referred to the <Red Collar» that had
been laid in his cradle ? Why did Chamisso call the noble military ser-
vice a <métier that withers heart and mind» ? !)
<Armed forces» ? ; are something that don’t have to exist ! Mark that well !
<It’s always been that way ? !> : Then it’s time to put an end to the nonsense !
Why are we endowed with somewhat more reason than animals ?
Oh, you’re not ? ! — Well, in that case !
But the gentlemen of the Christian trade : sit around at World Councils
of Churches, set themselves up as popes, give fat bustling speeches :
instead of seeing to it that, by heaven & hell, by carrot & stick, the
uniforms are taken off and the weapons laid aside ! (If No One else will
shout twiddle=diddle at me, I’ll just have to do it myself.)
(Wait ! : was something stirring below ? — — )
Ifyou want to learn to despise Lessing, you have to pick up his Laoco6n :
“The final purpose of the arts is pleasure. And pleasure is nonessen-
tial. And thus it does indeed depend upon the lawgiver what forms of
pleasure he wishes to permit.” And that with the most brutal classical
earnest : those were really crazy coots ! !
Now, finally, water was running downstairs !| (What a pelvic basin the
woman has got : kissable !).
The Swiss ? : would do better to give their women the right to vote ! Condi-
tions like darkest Africa : and they think they’re an especially progres-
sive tribe ! : piggy-bankily retarded is what they are, compared to the
rest of hypernurtured Europe !
Wasn’t something moving across the yard ? : straight to the window ! ——:
Right : a head connected to a woman : so down we go !
“Mornin’ !” : her face of curiosity, with red mouth bow loosely tied. Water
streaked clouds, moistened yellow; and apparently we were both in a
sweet and aquarelle mood, so we murmured : the broad serpent pair of
24 M ARNO SCHMIDT

her arms ! (Slowly knotted. Lurchings toward the clothesline, and my

eyes dwelt long : in armpits.)
“Aeh, my husband ’\| be comin’ at 11 : ’nd he al’ays wants to eat fuhst
thing. Then hit the sack !”
I seized her eyes with mine own : I said eagerly : “I'll fix us something to
drink, okay ?” (Upstairs and down !).
“You've never had this ? !” : a big cup of cocoa — boiled with milk : hm:
not bad. : And now a teaspoon and a half of Jamaica rum, 86 proof,
pure; into each cup ! Give it a taste -—--—;-—:!?
She tried hers, reluctantly at first. Another spoonletful. Tried to taste it
cook’s fashion — : well ? —: and finally took a deep breath and a hardy
swallow : what d’y’ say, something to it ? ! (And giggled with innocent
abandon : “Aeh, y’ do cuhrupt me — what with yoah exotic drinks.”).
(Then peel a goose-bumped orange : our hands glided over one an-
other; until it stickied below, and we squeezed and throttled the slices
still faster).
Cutting red cabbage : “Aeh with you helpin’, speeds things up a Jot !” The
splendid crosscut pattern of the giant vegetal body. (And it has to
simmer for 1—1'/, hours. In the <Roper>. “Aeh; we can go upstaihs
aftahwuhds’”’.)
Going up : her pretty rear climbed the stairs ahead of me; the powerful
thighs labored mundanely : key to a chamber of books and a buxom
woman : what more can a man ask ? !
2 crates ! ; the dusky light built its Warroch cave about us. The lids came
off in strips.
First : a library around 1850 : and this was another crazy one too, the kind
you find only in the remotest private collection !
Flinders : «Voyage to Terra Australia>. 150 years ago. (Hadn’t he had the
discoverer of Brownian motion on board ?). Prévost : «Histoire de M.
Cleveland; Le Doyen de Killerine; Mémoires d’un Homme de
Qualité>. 6 bewitchingly bound trashy novels by Arnaud de Baculard
(aren’t all that bad, I know him : gloomy and trite). — Brockes : what
fine things he did for the language and the fixation of natural scenes !
9 volumes.
“Heah : Wilh’m Busch !” she said excitedly, the Big Serpent, and offered it
to me : Berlin 1848 : «Concerning the Brain of the Selachii> ? ? : that’s
definitely a different one !
Sir Walter Scott, that curious mixture of superficiality and profundity.
Cervantes’ mistake : that he always lets the Don pay the bills ; how
much wittier it would have been if Sancho Panza had been the rich
one ! (cf. Schmidt, Pocahontas; we could write the Quixote better
 THE STONY HEART HH 25

nowadays !). Naturally Schulze from Celle as well : only lived to be

28, the young euphony (and I reverently skimmed a little in his Cacilia
Tychsen : nothing for me !).
Heeren : <Ideas concerning Politics / Transport and Commerce / of the
most prominent Nations of the Ancient World> (and the five-volume
4th edition of 1824-26 at that !). Madler «General Selenography>; 2
volumes as well as the 4 leaves of the large moon map : that alone is
100 marks profit ! (Even if he was all too disparaging in his judgment
of old man Schroter in Lilienthal. Plus the products of his highbrow
Minna, ohgoodgrief !).
Jules Verne : the complete «Illustrated Deluxe Edition» in quarto; by
Hartleben in Vienna, Pest and Leipzig (who first published Stifter !) :
I’ve read.a good dozen of them, including the lesser-known ones, you
know, <The Fur Country> or <Black=Diamonds> even the <Green Ray>;
but the majority of them weren’t familiar even to me (and that’s saying
a lot, messieurs !) : <The Clipper of the Clouds», or this one here :
<Mistress Branican> : I’ve got to browse my way through them all
sometime ! (<The Propeller=Island> : crazy technological optimism !).
«Engelbrecht, a Journyman Weauer at Winsen on the Aller, his Descrip-
cioun of Heauen and of Hell». (1 last of hides equals 20 dickers : one
really hasn’t the vaguest about one’s own language !). — In 1811, Mar-
shal Davoust had stakes driven into the Liineberg Heath to mark trails,
staked plains, llano estacado; which were then sometimes intentionally
shifted around by partisans : build a story around that !).
The second crate : here!!! : 1 gazed so happily into her mistress-mine face
that she turned gentler again at once : one glance suffices : geographies
(Hanoverian); State Handbooks; Jansenjansenjansen ! (An original of
the great Topographical Map of the Electorate of Hanover, 1764-86, in
165 leaves ! ! !)
I roused us; I said (casually; at her double bosom) : “Welll. —’ (Hand
slowly across the brow). “Well, Frau Thumann — : I recommend the
following : you put the crate in with me. In my room. Then I'll examine
all of the items at my leisure : I’d say for-uhh” (but careful now ! for-
ubh) “well — around : 300 marks ! I could almost guarantee it !” — She
listened critically (but let’s hope not aversely !); looked at the crates;
then at me (with a glance whose diving depth didn’t quite please me,
then, also very adroitly : “O : m’ cabbage downstaihs !”).
(So lock up; and back downhill : guess I'll have to go for a walk now !).
“Ah Heeah-Eggahs” (with large frightened eyes, overandover) : ABTS
think y’ could eat with us today at 11 ? !” entreating; and then with
vacant relief :“Oh fine !”. (Both flirtatious : “Good=bye !”).
26 M ARNO SCHMIDT

And the culdees today ! : the expectant father embarrassedly led the soon-
due mother by the arm (into the foursquare church; with its role of
honor for the fallen of 1914-18 : Christ above : at his feet crossed steel
helmet and sword-cum-laurel-wreath | ! And I grinned with infernal
amusement into the bas-relief : you really didn’t have to be that ex-
plicit ! : Throne and Altar : now that’s quite an alliance ! !).
“Haa — lee —luu : yah !” (Hallelu : no ! — Nor was the <lion of the tribe 0’
Judah> missing : if only you could meet someone sometime who is not
a Seeker of God ! And I quickly contrived the ordinance, it ’d have to
be announced on the news : “Despite the opposition of the government
coalition, a law was passed in the Bundestag . . . .”. Still awaiting the
Bundespresident’s signature to be sure; wasn’t the EDC either; should
have thought of that, really I should : if anything, they want to abolish
civil marriage. Godless and good-for-nothing scoundrels are the same
thing for those umbrella-people !).
(And just maybe they are too ? !).
Gentlemanly greeting (in the chateau courtyard) : we stiffly nodded heads
at each other, as if assenting to something; including hat and sandal-
yellow, the gaunt figure hardly weighed more than the air it displaced.
Of foreboding correctness; and striving unflaggingly for admiration.
To lure him in, I jotted something down with solemn mien, and paced
off a slyly senseless diagonal across the courtyard (the last step of spi-
dery length: and at once another jotting !) : he couldn’t resist that ! :
“Doctor Hoppenstedt ? !”
“Twice, the princess was absent, for somewhat longer periods, during
those 32 years !” and glanced hypercleverly past me at some purely
sunny timberwork. “Yesyes” I confirmed from far-off regions of
thought : “from 15 July to 10 August, 1700, in Celle” (because Danish
partisans were ranging as close as Gifhorn) “and from 5 June until the
beginning of September 1705” (in the Essel courthouse; because alter-
ations and repairs had become necessary here. We immediately turned
our heads to one another, and looked at us oddly for a while : squabble
among sorcerers. — Then clarification : which the white, and which the
black magic; he had passed his bars : bah !).
2 times 2 (and he grew so enraged simply listening, that you had to take a
faint liking to him !) : “A liar would maintain : 5 ! — A neutral party :
neither 3 nor 6.” — “And you know of no other alternative ? !” (smoth-
ered, your finer social circles). “Oh but I do” I said wistfully : “yeees —
the cautious esoteric would express it more or less : logarithm of
10,000 or the like.” “And ? : How would it be with 4 ! ?” he suggested
contemptuously. “Yes, those are your out-and-out fanatics !” I spurned
 THE STONY HEART HB 27

at once : “Just think of your own Christian Democrats : they too

declaim away about the culture of the Christian West, that moro
bianco, just to be on the safe side, instead of simply asking the voters :
<Well, what do you say : do you want to go back to lying in barracks
yards, your snoot in the muck ?> —- — Noonoo : begone with your 4 !”.
Then I went ahead and stepped on his pentacle <by mistake>, <Amelung
ought convay the message to bayliff Witten in my name> (letter of
19.6.1715), and we were gone : hence, sallow soule, hence !
And it was getting warm again : dogs to be muzzled (because of rabies
among the foxes) in this district as well; well, before God we’re all
equal (as, in its turn, the CDU maintains; but you’d prob’ly best have
your party membership card, too). — I could go to the station; jot down
the trains.
There it stood now; red, and upholstered blue within : the rail-bus, 9:56
A.M. for Verden : they are such charming things ! (And I’d have to go
by way of Verden in any case, if I wanted to visit Rotenburg sometime,
to check the parish registers).
“Could you p’rhaps lend me the schedule book ? Just for a moment ?” :
he gazed at me time-tablely, from shallow color-rings. And retired through
pale-blossoming ticket beds, stamping a black reedy gait, into his veg-
etation of chairs and filing cabinets. (In the window the gold pelt of the
wheatfield turned gray : meaning clouds above us, lookielookie).
“Thank you !” ——
Cement post with chicken wire, 6 feet high, around the athletic field : soc-
cer players in flamish painted uniforms, with chest signs of grewsome
aspect and dreadful extent. Size between | and 3 yards (was how they
jumped !); hair : flying, and 2 feet in diameter.
Another war memorial : for 1866 and 70/71 : it contained not only the
names of the fallen, but also the full roster of <participants> in those
vanished amusements; so that I at once pulled out my notebook, and
made a copy of the suitably=iron tablet for myself : Dageférde and
Bosenberg. All in <Shady Oaks>.
Also of interest, the shed-quarters on the right ! : whole blocks, divided by
aisles of green-grown streets, and 40 buildings : is really remarkable !
(Only later did I learn that after the great fire of 1848 they had decreed
this arrangement for the communal good : not all that dumb !). A bird
driveled sweetly and oh !,,,,. Then another farmstead with oversized
portal maw; now the firehouse was rubbernecking (and inside stood
the hearse !). — “So : here I am again !” — “Aeh ’twon’t be long now” :
she, heated white & red, amid music splinters and broken words : the
radio dial flashed modest=meanly.
28 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

“Aeh could y’ maybe keep an eye on things heah foah a shoht bit ? : When
it boils : jist=set=it=aside ? — “I’m jist goin’ t’ ride ovah....” she was
already pulling on rubber boots : her legs grew plumply merry at once;
socked the black foot hard (so that the hem of her skirt made a broad-
mouthed smirk. And quick the shalloon .. . .)
Getting aboard (the bike) : again the powerful back; the pretty wide rear
end, on which the thighs levered strong and elastic : I laid my eyes
around the firm flesh, and stroked it with such approval that she
laughed back at me with a nod. Immediately thereafter, the black iron
frame glided away with her. (Later on : <tow whanks> are a round
Ahiden pastry; special milk dough with raisins).
Going up top : | pressed my face (oh hell : the whole moi !) voraciously
against the lattice, storming the Bastille : there stood the crates, full of
what makes life most worth living : if you had an iron hook you could
pull ’em over ! : Could I actually get my hand through the openings ? :
I throttled it up to the wrist —, — : and further : in — — : but could only
bescratch just the crate edge after all (what might that fat thing there
be : the Jimmy ? !).
To be on the safe side, shave again : the everlasting «Apparitions of Mary»
of the monks (or the parallel sportings with <Jesus, Bridegroom of the
Soul> among the nuns) are ultimately nothing more than manifesta-
tions of erotic repression : if I haven’t for 8 days long, all sorts of
brown madonnas appear to me by night as well !
Whenever I read books where 2 males <fight) over 1 female : that’s sup-
posed to be <primitive energy from primal depths» or whatever,
right ? : Ohgoodgod ! Don’t these people know the glassy-incandes-
cent passions of the intellect ? ? : when I go tracking down Brother
Jansen, that giant of statistical enumeration ? and here I am still hold-
ing his work from 1824 in my rickety hand ! (And his granddaughter is
sitting downstairs, ready and coated in white leather : what kind of a
world do we live in really ? !)
Ah : he had now arrived : spoke the curse of greeting (and then lots of
chatter, loud and soft). —— : “Heeah-E-ggahs ? !”
Erez tappuchim (= earth apples); the roastlet; for finishers we swallowed
more slowly the sweet white slime (of a semolina pudding. Headless
ammocoetes boiled in wine sauce, butter and lemon juice : that is,
Liineburg lampreys).
“My, but you look exhausted !”, me, sympathetic; and the chauffeur at
once made an even more overworked face : dark circles about the eyes;
weariness in his wrinkle-sacks. (She muttered her way into our regrets
with high-drawn brows).
 THE STONY HEART BH 29

“Yesyes” he affirmed meekly : “let your ’ttention wandah foah jist one
second — ‘nd it’s already happened.” “Ain’t that the truth !” she con-
firmed with innuendo : “Let yoah ’ttention wandah jist onct : nd y’ can
be payin’ foah it foah yeahs !” —
“Equal rights foah women !” she said bitterly and haughtily between meal
remnants : “But if you don’t get yoah fill come t’morro . . . !” (Despair
and menace : “.. . "nd now dishes to do besides ? !” and directed further
little gray words our way, the which, however, like sewing needles
dropping, caused no pain; ne’ertheless we withdrew out behind the
house; voice from within dying : “Jist-onct t’ come into this wuhld as a
man ! !”. Then we went our separate pondering ways).
His pass=word : it had the form of a helmet and was still smoking. Earthly
Delight in God.
On past their door : she spoke; he answered; she decided : # (Raised about
half a tone !); he locked the housedoor now : so the signal for general
bed rest.
(Dreaming : Dr. Geister patiently explained his English to us pupils; we
were all together again; even the dead laughed merrily along with us,
Reinsch; <gym> was supposed to be next. / An indoor pool : the cun-
ning impresario rented out peepholes under water; we watched the
girls swim about, and commit all sorts of erotics among themselves.
(Then men joined in as well, and now it got really crazy. — One girl,
who smiled at me, in sea-green shorts, had a double row of teeth and a
beard like Julia Pastrana). / 3 policemen engaged in a search of my
house; locked it from the inside and muttered long. Then all the fur-
niture was switched about of course : hadn’t those swine confiscated
every single State Handbook ? ! : I hurled myself shrieking after the
Volkswagen ! / Andsoonandsoforth.)
Awoke outraged : Ernst Kreuder occurred to me : the reader should get
on his knees in gratitude that writers suffer so for him ! (And they
were still grunting downstairs ! Weather appears to be slowly worsen-
ing : a general wonder when two days in a row have been nice this
year !).
“Won't y’ join us in a piece o’ cake ? —: nd then we might take a walk out
to ouah bit 0’ meadow : ?” (Had talked with him about it then; and still
somewhat half-baked besides, and I thoughtfully chewed the sweet
clay, yellow & sepia : marble cake; the drunk-empty cups gaped up
whitely).
The chauffeur walked beside me, and winded merrily in the wind. To
which was added the bustle of the clouds; and the brown boulders of
the cows (looks lovely, these solitary trees on the endless meadows !).
30 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

“Cows with calf oughtn’t be struck ovah the nose : othawise y’ get
miscahriges !” she declared sportively to her two men. (Where pigs
have once been pastured, neither cows nor horses will graze : you’ve
got to consider all the possibilities !).
«Field flotsam> : now it was their turn not to know ! : “Used to be that when
a wagon was upended, it belonged to the owner of the property where it
landed.” (And so a wreck-law on land. He at once thought of his truck,
and rejected the idea).
Ahyes the meadow ! : the Haydes hedge whirred and whispered alongside
us. 1 trunk swarmed in foliage. The high tension line drew 4 grim-fine
grids above us : 15,000 volts, that’s me !
1 searched at once for the patch on my ordnance map, sighted and lip-
chewed. (“Nope. That triangle t’ this side heah belongs to a neighbah — :
he won’t sell outa puah meanness !”). (First treat it rather disparag-
ingly, so that they learn to realize the books are the sole positivum !).
So then : “Welll. — : Lies a bit out 0’ the way, doesn’t it ?” Pointedly :
“Does that piece of bank on the Aller come with it ? !” : “’sindeed,
’ sindeed-uh — :” he showed it obligingly, and the murky water shoved
past us with power. “Way too much current for swimming !” But then
to console the disheartened carefully printed <THU=MANN> on the map
section.
Sheepdoms (and so no need at all for this to be the Lignon) : heath-sheep of
somber hues, blue-gray and with face of black. : “The lambs ahr that
way all ovah : pitchblack !” So meager was the meadow, that in the
past they usually slaughtered 1 of 2 newborn lambs, and let the survi-
vor suckle on 2 mothers : which sufficed tolerably. (And the robbed
ewe was deceived by covering the little thing for one night with the
peltlet of the slain lamb — biblical-childish and -lunatic !).
Drunkards exist among sheep : they glut themselves with abandon on
Cytisus scoparius (i.e., common broom) and end up in a state of
ex=citement, followed by total unconsciousness : and thus many
have fallen victim to foxes or flocks of crows ! (Checked it out later :
it’s a fact : likewise crowfoot, spurge, meadow-saffron, pewter-grass,
butterwort, rush are poison to sheep).
“Superfluous rams were <moiled> so he said. (Which means, their testicles
are bound, and then beaten about with a club : making them infertile
for that particular season).
“Ovah neah Tetendorf” (close to Soltau) : “the cross is still standin’ :”
and she told the folk tale : a shepherd had surrendered to sleep lean-
ing against a birch : the lead ram understood the nods of the sleeper
as a challenge to fight, and went for the man, who collapsed with a
 THE STONY HEART BH 31

shattered skull ! (So that’s where the credulous Ambrose Bierce took
it from; ergo, not in fact, as Professor Bense thinks, full of cosmic
symbolism, but rather of thoroughly tellurian provenance. Terrestrial
refraction. — Then buckwheat; beekeeping; cairns).
A limping man : his body nodded a long way ahead of us; a new path clove
2 meadows; hedges made wire barricades. (“Y’ want a piece a bread
with that ? !” she hissed spitefully : god knows, the stench was all
about him again ! And he simply wagged it away with satrapian mag-
nanimity. The dark-red heavy cloud curtain stroked the earth; some-
times bulgings behind it like large shapes; once the hem below glis-
tened golden).
The old man ahead of us was indeed taking the same path : vocabulary of
500 and a fuzzy lump of musty emotions. He raised his cane to his eyes
and jabbered belligerently with it. The tip of the moon-sprout broke
thick and white through the gray cloud clods.
“One more favor : —” (they both looked at me) : “Don’t say anything fur-
ther about this-uh : building project. : Otherwise there’1l be a needless
rise in the price of land ! — But sometime you'll tell me the names of
the owners along the <Old Leine> over there, won’t you ?” (And I can
go ahead and enter them on my map : it is of historical interest after
all. — And a first-rate opportunity to put my head together tenderly with
hers !).
But those crates of books : “Why not put them over with me, as I sug-
gested. : really, I think I can guarantee you 300 marks !”. She hesitated
again (for reasons incomprehensible to me !); he was immediately in
booming agreement : “Lohd, Frieder : 300 smackahs ? ! : that’s a suit
and a wintah coat foah you !”. “Don’t wuhry bout me” she replied
pertly enough : “when it comes down to it, it’s you that’s savin’ the
money !”; but she did cheer up somewhat then, apparently with visions
of something in red check, or a heavy winter herringbone. At times she
appraised me out of the firm corners of her eyes; hung back once a
little too (while grabbing pro forma at her garters), and then came up
resolutely between us men, Countess Frieda of Peers.
Her hand beamed broad and energetic out of the flounced green cuff :
“How bout us sittin’ a spell outside ?” and pulled a sweet little pout as
I seized the détachement of her fingers. (Alone in the house, while he
was busy trundling the wicker chairs outside. A deck-chair pant-o-
graphed for her).
Bright gray quilt of the night sky. The lamp made its O of light. Wind fell
a little silent; entangled; the verdigris of the moon appeared now and
then above the beanclad poles.
32 M ARNO SCHMIDT

The chauffeur lay broadly encamped in the willow plaits : breeches, am-
biguous sox, slippers, spread wide. (The outer edges of the heels to-
tally shuffle-skewed : proof for the spherical form of the earth). He had
the large bottle before him, Mampe Halb & Halb, and poured. For him-
self. As soon as she (or I) turned a head away (and I did it often : tipsy
is lovely; topsy-turvy, at least at the present, quite inappropriate |! And
in East Berlin you can get a fifth for 2 marks West !).
Tales of my Landlord : “How did y’ get to Ireland in fact, Herr Thu-
mann ?”. He raised the (extra-large) tumbler, smacked his lips and
marveled in amazement : trucker; convoy; slowest ship; under fog of
night sideswiped by mines : made port in Cork : interned ! Voluntary
farmwork (atop a tractor). Pretty rustled lassies, red-haired all over, ps
ps (and their bodies fully freckled : “I mean, they wuh like tench !”). :
Pouring. “The neahest town of any size was Lim’rick”. “Down on the
Shannon” I nodded; and he gave an enthusiastic bang on his armrest :
“That’s wheah we al’ays went swimmin’ !” (<Pallaskenny> was the
name of the burg. In the next yard horny tomcats beat up on each
other).
The light tip of her fingers hung immovable against the paved background.
A <nude> arm. (<Clitoris> as a name for a girl ?).
Tales of my Landlord : the rust-red brew vanished into its cordilleras :
“Once when I was drivin’ through the Black Hills... .” (he was al-
ready saying <jub-sect> : for <subject>; we of the Never=never; I gazed
at him attentively, the way the lantern yellow shambled over him :
gusts of wind, I decided). Then the party at the roadside; the songs
of spirits at the rear : unloading : at the <pesthouses> outside of
Schneverdingen. (Meaning <plague> ? ! : now that’s interesting !). A
book was left lying in the truck : fiery-red its binding (and so presum-
ably <Printed in Weilaghiri>) : “I’ve nevah cracked it : must still be
upstaihs.” And as I hearkened more swiftly : “Y’ can have it !” (Have
they in fact noticed something then ? !).
Ruckus out on the road from soused soccer players : some of them bel-
lowed like bulls, others howled and bayed at the midnocturnal moon.
A trumpet, or some turbobrass or other, of penetrantly keen clangor,
exercised in the remote neighborhood. When the word was given, they
dimmed their eyes at the same moment, and dispersed into the houses :
at once the plank wall of heaven went gray-yellow; whitewashed flat
upon it the vacant mug of the moon; roof trapezoid; and bound about it
the bow of my glasses, right ? — We expressed our disgust at such
drunkards, and strode respectably back : fill the cup ! (“Uh : just a
moment !”’).
 THE STONY HEART # 33

It spurted out of my body, right through the wall of beans, state-

handbookish (which means, bursting into countless drippings : how
many words may my logodaemon have <fashioned> in my lifetime ? !).
Proud & stiff return : Rex de Erica : both of them were quaffing, Mampe
Halb & Halb, at their ellipses. I felled my lusts with a few axing mo-
tions of my hand, and took my seat gracefully (or so I imagined).
“Hellsbells, does my crotch evah itch !” the chauffeur shouted perplexed,
and gave himself a mightier scratch (comparative form a la Klopstock;
his seraph is always thinking its <deeper thoughts» too. — Then a toast
between pals, yep “Heah’s to y’, Walt !” what one won’t do for Jan-
Sone):
Then matters politic : “Me ? !: put my money ina savin’s ’nd loan ?!: lm
not about t’ suppoht this gov’ ment ! : *foah I staht financin’ Jesuits ’nd
penitals eee No suh ! !”. He growled contentedly.
What «solidarity» means exactly ? ! : “’Tis a greek invocation to call fools
into a circle !”.
EDC ? ! : (at his mouth some white smoke blossomed) : “Anybody who
can make a thousand-mark bill out of any scrap of paper, ought to have
no trouble financing an army ! Read the new <German Soldiers’ News>
sometime : you’ll see the old rabble-rousers back to work there ! The
poets of heroes a la Zillich <The Golden Medal of Bravery> (nor felt he
shame dedicating the reward for diligent slaughter to the woman who
bore the slaughterer ! !) : that those guys dare stir again — and what’s
more : that they’re being encouraged | — for that we have to thank,
among others, our splendid Iron Chancellor as well !”
A shooting star (with a stroke of smoke some 3 fullmoons long; that
held a good 2 seconds) : the chauffeur began at once to wish: ! (But
she was already ironing her hand with worried indignation across
his blaspheming mouth; all you understood was: “...denau.....
ArEAOcd ween a):
When the skin on your back crawls, it’s called <pins and needles» : out of
pure naughtiness we immediately looked it up in the ridiculous 1870
lexicon; in the motley fuzzy Sargasso shallows of knowledge and anti-
quated illustrating : -,—, -,: “. . . . in particular precedes apoplexy,
paralysis, cramps .. .” the thing was nastier than we thought; and we
shoved the dignified green volume more gingerly into its crack. Better
the next one instead :
<Saint Thomas of Aquinas, preaching trust in divine grace during a storm
at sea>. (Somebodyorother had painted it) : <The last soldiers of the
garrison at Missolonghi, about to blow themselves up>. : “Faust about
to show Gretchen his what’s-its” he promptly invented the parallel,
34 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

oh Abiillino-abillino !, and we betook ourselves back to her : he

poured himself another at once and knocked it back. (None for us,
thankgod, and that was very fine with me).
He stretched black rude boar limbs (and with sudden frowning decision,
she filled hers too, twice, one right after the other. “Careful !” I begged
with eyes, and smiling passed several times across her commodious
face. We lounged, misshapen cloud figures behind between us, silent
in the arena of air).
“You’ah siah ? : Three hundud mahks ? ? —: I’ll put those crates ovah into
yoah room rightnow !” He staggered up, with waste of our becalming
efforts. It gave her noticeable pause; but finally slowly she let him go :
movin’ ’em ain’t sellin’ ’em after all (or does she first want to let me
get really itchy for the things ? ! — We lurkily sat back down).
She laid her arms across her : took them down once again and poured
me one (forced me with a simple chin-lift to chug it); then she again
showed the outset of her breasts and other gross expenses (and now did
the schnapps ever give my head one turrnarround : wasn’t that thump
and shuffle up top ? !).
I raised myself up to a stand; took her (cautiously !) by her massive shoul-
der, and we mutely went around to the front of the house : now, how-
ever, she must obey !
The telephone pole stood upon the earth : At ease ! The stiff porcelain
umbel, up top, hooked in some sort of sky : ! — She obediently laid her
white ear to it — ? ? (at once her mouth exerted open; someone was
yowling in there it seemed; gremlin business and monochrome).
Back (doors flapped upstairs !) : for now she no longer approached me; we
were in any case determined to conquer one another.
Into the kitchen to him : he was grinding away at a mouthfull of coffee;
chewing : “So now you'll be the wisah. — Aeh, we can sleep ouah fill
t’morrow y’know !”. Out of the blue he added : “Jist don’t nevah git
mahried !”
Stars a phosphorescent sea, and the earth sailed raking through them, with
her helm lashed aport. In the orchard branch hooks hung from the
braided cover : all into my hair. I grabbed moi by the tail and water ran
out of him : smelled of coffee and canned meat (technique, to perfume
it by means of foods, like among the goodol’ Romans; dispose of a
couple full gushing belches. — A heap of sharp-limbed constellations
crouched trembling on the cavic horizon : if the moon looks to me like
an aspirin tablet : is the fault mine, or Bayer=Leverkusen’s ? !).
The bottle stood almost empty : he quickly made a grab for it, and just to be
on the safe side, at once let the rest flow in. While I explained to her,
 THE Stony HEART # 35

with well-ordered buzzing brain and carefully stammering mouth : that

indeed we all are lost somehow ! (And she nodded grim agreement. An
exquisitely shaped vessel full of mephitic vapors).
The chauffeur was so far gone that he apprehended yellow biking girls
everywhere; he smiled loftily at his unfocused vision, and bawled
repeated assertions that for a <real woman» anything’ll do for a bed;
in greater rapture still : “She can make a soft bed out of a rake !”. He
hummed unknowable melodies toward the east : —, —, : we made
arrangements with gestures of the head, and moved things inside.
“Tt smells” (with a pedagogue’s raised index finger) : “it smells like :
NeAVy slipe ae eae * she pushed him ahead for safety’s sake and he
moved in march-step into the house.
“Good night — — : Madam Frieda !” : she roguishly pushed out her lips,
and rocked her head; stretched her way affectedly through the shining
kitchen door : “Night Heeah=Eggahs !” — (Not until I was climbing the
stairs did I actually notice how tanked I was, as the door sidestepped
me ! — If only I can get these shoedads off !).
There stood both crates : for stumbling over ! (And I did that a couple of
times, for the pure delight of it : the attic grating across the way was
still open !) : [had to inform myself aloud, however, what had to hap-
pen now : now. At 2 A.M.
Coffee : I mean strong coffee ! : 1 unfolded the tin box; put solid=spirit
tablets in it; above the flame, water : in this tin can. 3 thick table-
spoons to a pint : screw my heart ! And added good condensed milk. If
possible, don’t set the house on fire. (What will I collect in hell some-
day ? : the hoofprints of devils perhaps. — And then the stuff tasted
almost too rich; there was a good quarter can of milk in it ! —).
Already things grew clearer before my eyes; and behind them (and the light
ever smaller ! : Well, it will last for 2 hours yet. Lay out brush.
Magnifyingglasstweezersscissors. Pencil and notepad. India ink and
special fine-point pen. The flat ivory blade; for smoothing Regency
dog-ears. Elmerseraser.) The tiny paintbox just to complete the whole :
hand’ snot steady ’nough f’ that now.
«Statistical Handbook / of the / Kingdom of Hanover. / By / C.H.C.F.
Jansen. / Hanover, / Commissioned by Helwing, Court Stationers, /
1824.» : Curt Heinrich Conrad Friedrich : just like my copy at home ! :
The soft gray paper; the lovely old numbers (and so distinctively cut
that they could be read without error even after centuries and slight
damage). Collate some other time. And splendid endpapers : coffee-
brown with blackish-red streaks around grains of starch enlarged a
hundredfold. — Nodding : next one :
36 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Heynow ? !: dacapo al fine ? ? : the same yellow-brown half-calf binding

again ! And another one ! And another ? ! -, -, -, :
9 copies in all, and brandnew besides ! : going by which, these were some
of his free author’s copies ! In most of them, the pages were still stuck
to one another along the top page cut, and pulled open with a delicate
rip : world’s most beautiful whisper !
The carnivorous names; of single-digit farmsteads : Yellow School / Shade
House / Crowmill / Green Hunter / Mirror Hill / Ash Jug /Hemwood /
Lodge / Channelsteds / Brasscott / Pyllowcamp / Voxdens.
In the middle : Woodlatch / Bywallow / Owlbrook Croft / Woodsedge /
Bagoldhill / Duckhaul / Hungry Wolf / Mustmill / Brickroyd /
Shepherdcotts / O’ the Whitemoor.
Sprinkled with place names : Marish / Earthcotts.
Royd’s Slide : Deadehorn !
Till my flesh crept : sunk up to my chest in the image swamp. (So be quick,
and build as a low block on the table. And assess : so I can find my way
back out; itll be exhausting enough as it is. Still fully undreamed-
away material : I have the talent for being able to go mad over statis-
tics ! —: they’d cost 10 to 20 marks apiece at a secondhand bookshop;
so pay 4 to 5 at most, let’s say 3; just to be sure. 9 times 3 equals 27 : so
about 30 : heartrending of course to have to dump such invaluable
items like that !). (But his personal copy wasn’t among them after all :
a shame : I’d ’ve given most anything for that ! The wood of silent
paths.)
Aha ! : here, too, were still 4 of his «Explanatory Tables to Direct Taxes»,
Celle 1835, Schulze Pub.; and I nodded bitter-sweetly, grinning regrets
rightface : know it.) (Also in the Schumacher—Gauss correspondence,
spring 28.)
So; now came the State Handbooks ! (the years in a disorderly jumble of
course : didn’t expect anything else ! : Damn, if only the ones I’m
missing were here ! ! — Nix; nix. Nix. —— )
There ! And I rubbed the roots of my hands between my knees till they
smoldered; my mouth opened wolf-toothed wide; laugh hissing :
T8431!!!
A chalk blue waxy pasteboard book :; Archipelagoes of white usages on
the boards; along the spines 4 thin gold strokes, and the handcrafted
oblique numbers ! (Puff across it; brush the shimmering fore-edge :
below, it was still bloodred ! Like Frieda’s floorwax ! — And lay virtu-
ally like a heavy paraffin bar in my grasp. Joy of the palm. On ten
fingers : bliss of the balls).
Open only now : left, a bookbinder’s note in wee black scribble. On the
 THE STONY HEART #37

right, around a leaping horse, the round stamp <Officers’ Library /

Vilth Regiment»; and next to that, in a long flowing hand, that lovely
browned blend of cursive and Gothic : <Donated by First Lieutenant
Brandt». (So later determine who that was). Otherwise, splendidly pre-
served. The State=Maids=of=Honor (really belonged under <Stables>).
The mounted troops of the Order of Guelfs;
Waittt !. — : the entire <Military=Budget>, pages 134 to 192, was inter-
leaved with writing paper ! And the handwritten remarks started right
up : after 16.2.1843, the lapels worn by the officers of the general staff
were no longer to be so much a scarlet=, but rather a carmoisin=red :
that’s how they’ve kept soldiers busy for ages ! With such little inti-
mate=important knick- and gim-crackery : you have to be stupid for
that ! ! (And the state, shrewd, by subsidizing the inadequate salaries
with a hothoused <sense of honor» ! A <good soldier> ? : that means <a
bad citizen> ! And vice versa. Even if governments believe it can peri-
odically be switched around at will. — Well, ’nough said. — Of the ap-
proximately 800 pages — apparently —— not a one missing : wonderful !).
(Naturally, transfers and promotions were appended with religious preci-
sion. Yawning : but lay it off to itself now !).
Annual for 41 : had that one already, true : but this one here was fantasti-
cally bound : half-calf with little red-golden spine labels (and 2 golden
herbs stamped in them. The fore-edge, gentle old yellow : like the
dustcloths in many households : precisely that color). Turn, indecisive.
Well, maybe I can — hm.
State Handbooks as sources for history ! : nowhere else can you find
Jansen, this Brandt, this Nolte : who had corresponded with Fouqué.
Family curves of fates : you opened onto a name, and followed it
through the gardens of years : 1840 assistant teacher in Hildesheim.
2nd vice principal. Vice principal. Principal in Emden. Headmaster :
died in old age in Hanover : exit Regel, publisher of volume I of the
5th edition of Déring’s Horace. (And all <Berenberg Printers and Pub-
lishers>).
Nix ! — Nix ! — : Fifty, that one I’ve got. (The light had half vanished :
vanished ! : you really have to visualize that sometime : had lain there
at first as a plump waxen body — and then it’s simply <gone>).
1844 !!: Three cheers ! : the doe-brown peacock butterflies ogled futuris-
tically at me. The gray loose layers of worn pasteboard corners ! —
(And on entrancingly poor blotting paper : immediately laid me a slip
at 616/17 : the way the print from the reverse side shone through, mys-
terious yellow gray : I’m defenseless against things like that ! Ye ban-
quets of paper !).
38 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Look here ! : here too was our <Brandt> from before. Adolph; 44 still a
major in the 7th Inf. Reg.; and a volunteer from 1813 (you can tell from
the medals).
And immediately thereafter 47 ! ! : now I’ve got it practically complete
from 39-62 ! — (Pasteboard : pink corded weft on protoplasmic gray;
not without nuclei).
Page 446 first off, the «Gottingen Society of Sciences» : whom do I know
among them ? ! (And they’d all been famous people once !). —
(Well, that probably doesn’t interest you !) — (Ne’ertheless : I recognized
about 20 percent first go. And doubt that you would have known more !).
This then the annual for 47, and I contentedly pressed it upon the little pile
on the left. (Massaging eyeballs with my fingertips : the coffee-high
was depleted; the wick was now bending dangerously into its pale
shining soup. Black stench. Would soon. Mummify.)
So shirt up, pants down : \ cannot fall asleep if my head isn’t stuck under
the covers. (Sensitive to light and sound; no clock can run in the room).
Then exist as just a gray square : in 52 are the measurements of area for
every jurisdiction; and mine is really damn flimsy. The block loose in
its binding. — —
Dream (about no. 14 tonight) : bending before a snowstorm and walking
along beside H.; a bit of forest stood and rumbled on high. (on the left
something nondescript intimate-friendly with no face; apparently G.
then). In front of a loading ramp, a number of vehicles had been
parked, their radiators to the brick wall; we crept into the modern rear
gangway (which stood shielded from the wind by the boulders of the
furniture van) and tugged and rattled at the door-handle latchings.
Locked. G. curled up into a blanket without a word; a thin supple arm
grew with a sigh (sea-feathering) out of the dogged shadow, nibbled
nervously, giraffily, and vaulted the blanket dome over it (which then
ironed itself out ever flatter). Testily, we gave the bags of samples a
quick check. The slavish rapids of the snow. Our breath heat was
warming things up now. She laid down lengthwise (left side) on the
leather bench; behind us, the long-distance gusts trucked and rumbled
methodically by; she gazed at me repeatedly from out of her cold pro-
file, and finally pointed down her body with her chin : ! ——
Ouch : already past ten ! : Brush teeth. Shave. (Then brush teeth again; the
taste was too putrid; gamboge). Then cut new insoles out of corrugated
cardboard (and I too found my lower jaw shearing along in time to it,
until I noticed it and forbade my jaw).
Now briskly for the rest : 20 State Handbooks in all. (Smelling one volume :
strange : every library has its own peculiar perfume, every used-book
 THE STONY HEART # 39

store, by which you can recognize it at once; I swear I can scent

Gsellius right off !). - Unfortunately, nothing handwritten at all. Had
slowly been willed away by the descendents then. (The literary re-
mains of Manecke, the great salt-master, acquired by the Duke of Cam-
bridge at the time : ought to have access to those ! Probably mildewing
away somewhere in some English castle-library).
Boéhmer’s map of the bailiffry of Liineberg, from 1833, in 4 leaves; scale
approximately — measure with my span — well : | to 200,000 : among
the brethren that was worth its 20 to 30 marks too ! Didn’t live to be all
that old either, our Wilhelm Bohmer : at the time he was a first lieuten-
ant in the Sth Inf. Reg.; afterwards prison warden and inspector of the
Liineburg limestone quarry. Ah well. (That was quite a hole, there on
the side, at the left, that the Duchy of Verden made in those days,
wasn’t it ? ! And those lovely weary hues of the border coloration).
And the last volume — — : (What’s up ? : — “Heeah E-ggahs ! — :
joinusfohabiteplease !” — So look alive !).
And read, with startled titillation, the dedication in his own hand : <To his
friend / Karl Bode / the Author» : Hermann Guthe, Topography of the
States of Braunschweig and Hanover; the model for such work.
Now I’m going to have to track down this Bode for many a long year ! For
I, a man of precise superstition, was much too convinced of fateful
intertwinings, as per the Principle of Reason, paragraph such and such,
wherever the damn thing is, that I could ever have resisted such an
assignment. (Added to which was my mad delight for exact detail :
dates, acreage, population; which in turn wanted to achieve their full
efficacy once again through my good offices : that is how I would have
put it at one time : nowadays more like : He who cannot feel the exist-
ence=positing force of names, numbers, dates, borders, tables, maps,
would do well to become a lyric poet; he is lost for the best prose : get
thee hence !).
And so groaning with pleasure, write at the top of a slip of paper : <Bode>;
underline it with a wavy stroke. — (Then lay the volume on the left and
downstairs !).
“Well ? How’s the gent’s health t’day ? ?” : he hailed me seedily with head
and hand; also emitted some growls, self-murmuration and other acous-
tic excretions. (Also still lightly halituous; we wordlessly jabbed our
nickel spades into yesterday’s damned pemmican. She was much the
quicker at the task, and was already back from upstairs : “. . . aihred
the beds ina jiff...”).
“Well ? : discovah anythin’ of note in that junk upstaihs ?” he asked my
half-empty plate; and I, full of sanctimonious rebuff : “Have to look
40 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

"em over first : d’ y’ think I went and rummaged through ’em last
night ?”. — She watched me with solicitude and good cheer : (damn ! :
she’s already seen it all sorted out upstairs ! Oh, am I ever stupid ! —
One quick rescue attempt) : “I took ’em out of the crates for starters :
I'll make up a list sometime today; and tomorrow then we can —”
a preoccupied rubbing of the brow; a distracted finish : “— discuss it
all. — : Does there happen to be a stationery shop in town :”. “Aeh”
her apple mouth said hesitantly : “oh y’ mean foah lettah papah ’nd
such ? : Ohyeah, theah’s suah t’ be one on the main drag.” — “Yep,
Rathge’s” he confirmed, with a painful look that suited him very
nicely; and begged in an undertone : “Y’ got some moah asp’rin ?”
(Wasn’t that the name of Attila’s spouse ? In the Song of Waltharius ?
—Ino longer recall !).
“Tf you wuhn’t al’ays swillin’ so much !” she scathingly challenged; he
replied with fitting remarks; she at once planted her index finger to her
brow and began the next sentence with <dimwit»; I withdrew discreetly
from the little brightly furnished private hell, where heavy and nimble
voices bemoaned their fates (but have to stay in the house; in case the
mailman shows up with the money !).
(A little later : chauffeur footfalling upstairs; a last shout down : “Fix the
java at 2 : got the java ready, call hubby”. Right, he’s got to leave at 3.
But <hubby> was scorn too far : she screamed up from below in anger,
lightning bolt, and flogged the door closed : thunder ! First Corinthians
7 verse 38). —
“Heeah Eggahs ! ? — : Theah’s some mail foah y’ —— !”
Downstairs waited a buttoned-up postmaster. I presented passport and ID,
which he gave a philologist’s once-over (and even compared for tex-
tual variants !). Then he counted out the 500.— D-marks, one beside the
other, on her kitchen table. (She was visibly impressed; even the civil
servant saluted more respectfully : a good solid fellow, this Eggers ! :
“And my best thanks, hmm ? !. — In 14 days, then, repeat the maneu-
ver. That’s if I’m still here).
Something of a hesitation; then : “Uh — Frau Thumann ? —” (she looked
around shrewish : ?) : “Might I write to a few places then ? So they can
make us an offer right away — ? —”. “Yeees — if y’ think it’s really in
ordah” she said coolly; inspected me through a savagely pressed glass
and added very businesslike : “although I resuhve foah myself the
puhmission foah ev’ry single item” (here something of dust appeared
to be stuck in the shimmering notch; she wiped and scanned the spec-
trum; talking to the window, as if engrossed) : “with no ifs ands oah
buts —”. Set the beaker behind her; leaned back easily against the
 THE STONY HEART HI 41

kitchen counter ——— (and suddenly began to smile upon the wall oppo-
site her ever so cunningly and ravishingly, with her wicked pie-baker’s
face — ——)
Bearing the letter ostentatiously in my hand ! : She was standing now im-
mobile inside a bush by the fence : “Don’t be gone too long” she said
laconically to the fence. — (Look around : ? : only her hand gave a
single nod after me, wise and obscure). — Cloud gangs, and the wind
made unpleasant remarks inbetween.
So first to the post office : turn the corner at the <Deutsches Haus> (it always
looked so pretty of an evening, with the silent lights through the linden
trees. Linden silence.). Then to the left :
Summer clearance sale at Gellerman’s : 2 giant cloth butterflies billowed
their sweetly dotted wings; the usual cataract of washables foamed
down over blue paper-boulder steps, «where Katadupa’s folk hears not
the falling Nile>; a yataghan rosette of neckties on a sign (Who actually
first came up with the term <bow tie» ? Or put another way : where does
it first occur in literature ?). From the wall the girl leg, passe-muraille,
ziegfelded : inducement to perlons (way at the top, surrounded by lace-
collarets alluring the fantasy still further. Falconets; culverins). Lean,
yellow-silk gloves groped with greedy impotence at panty gussets. A
violet dress strode mightily in the background (across fallen blouse
bosoms). Oh polka-dotted and beblossomed dirndldomness !
Letters into the box, and by way of precaution bought a couple of post-
cards. Far beyond the <Biichten Bosk» (where the princess always
loved to ride; steering her own <cariolette> : once she had hurtled off
on a race with her dragoon guards, and ended up in the court of the
chateau 100 yards ahead — which of course again resulted in endless
investigations concerning <suspicion of flight». More than a radius of
'/, Hanover mile had been out of bounds. First she had been limited to
just the interior of the chateau; then they permitted walks along the
rampart, but still only inside the palisades; these excursions, only after
April 1696. At first under heavy escort; then, from 1718 on, accompa-
nied merely by 2—4 dragoons). — So back once more to the chateau; but
for variety, halfway around the back, along the Meierkamp.
Ah, there was also a dentist here : «Dr. Schiitte> : a man needs to know
everything. And over there the police.
But this here ? ! : This new building ? ? ! ! : and yes indeed, it was not
shown on my land-office map ! (Otherwise, it was all wonderfully
accurate !). And I sauntered capably back and forth and back and forth,
glad of the discovered error; also, with the grid in mind, sighted
sharply down the back of the barn’s long axis, that is, perpendicular to
42 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

the road : okay ! — and drew it all in prettily. (Next to the official sym-
bol for a deciduous tree : okay ! — A fine retracing of it all then at home
with india ink).
Hoppenstedt, Seeker-of-God : he emerged from the portal onto the steps :
at once the courtesy cord pulled at us, so that we nodded angularly and
spread our teeth (and automatically thought <goodday>; or even whis-
pered : sorcery !). He doffed his hat and greeted amid a consonantal
drift; I, however, was in a condition to give a sarcastic and atheistic
smile, and our assessors’ tones made several promenades in the ghastly
illumination (aroundabout the chateau courtyard; whereas above, the
symplegades of clouds were jostling each other now).
If laundry were blocking the view again : “It’s truly unutterably sad” he
confirmed with sepulchral voice of elegant disgust.
“Most certainly : inside, the spot can still be seen where the chateau
organ stood : as is well known, she was forbidden to attend public wor-
ship services in the local church. The pastor had the key to a separate
(unguarded) entrance.” “Seelhorst” I mumbled dreamily (but you’re
always in the Center with God; he afforded no rest. Wanted, never-
theless, to guide me through the interior sometime <as occasion
served>).
“Do permit me to reject a system, which among other fundamental institu-
tions, provides for a Super Concentration Camp !” (That <Eternal Hell>
of theirs ! : what crime that human beings could ever possibly commit,
would be so immense that it would have to be punished <eternally> ? !
If someone really does deserve being put in there, it’s God : for his
exquisite creation !)
“God cursed Adam : Why ? : Because he’d eaten some fruit ! ! : one simply
has to picture that sometime !” I strolled indignantly behind moi, and
then outa this chateau : it is indeed unutterably sad !
3:20 p.m. : Adenauer ; the Father of Europe, the Stepfather of Germany.
(<Stepbrother> : the English have language to differentiate much more
precisely : <uterine brother: from the same mother !).
In front of the house ; the rouged fifty-year-old apeddling; ice cream
cone in her hand and with gold-toothed smile : “We have lovely under-
wear......?”. And so deftly wave her off, bow (she repaid it with
a gusted curse of air through her nose, and waddled her contempt
away. — Call from inside : “Lock the gahden gate behind y’ !”).
Inside she was already waiting at the kitchen door (nodding as she pock-
eted the key I mutely handed her; the strong woman, white-epidermed),
in her new keen-pleated frock-apron, prettily made and smelling nice
of soap.
 THE STONY HEART @ 43

She grasped my eyes with her own: “I’m comin’ right up” she announced,
muffled and sulky.
Before my door : we pulled us together with our arm hawsers; she grasped
my mouth with her own; our hearts rumbled.
The snake-daughter : we throttled our spotty skins, hopped about on lovely
lumps and long bulges, all over : was she full of sturdy locks, circum-
gaping slits, that smacked. (I took one breast and kissed it, until the tip
was like a thimble).
In the waterfall of her hands : shuddering she shook a violet-pink spigot
(while I fumbled her white-wide entanglement) : “Lookathat : it really
spahkles” (and she had the finest fingers for the backlilt between
Berwick and Carlisle).
So we buckled ourselves onto each other with arms, planted our suckers
firmly (and her legs took a mighty reach. Moi raged. : onto her there).
Sunshone : the broad golden wilderness of her belly; across which my hand
caravaned (then wade wrist-deep in the dry warm vegetation :
Timbuktu. Weltering : Bloemfontein). “Hey, ’t’s beautiful : in the sun
like this !” (she murmured eagerly, made a sierra of her knees and
breasts, tale of the ragged mountains; arms and legs flowed away;
around black forest kettles).
Naked gymnastics : making letters : she made a T of herself, an X, a Y;
kneeling a Z (and totally new ones too, cyrillic : her feet were each
bestowed with a personal whispered name : <Frolic> and the right one
<Blighter>; with the mnemotechnical <ght> in common. The clock
downstairs began to yawn sonorously; 2 streaks of sound floated off
grousing, one behind the other (then, as they drained away, slithered
swiftly on top of each other; such thin plates)).
Her moi knelt naked on the chair, and observed me (and the State Hand-
books) out of bright-ringed disks : white torso, willowy leaves of
hands. She rubbed her thumbnail over her upper teeth, alert and
houndlike : “Each Satuhday, you get one of ’em” she decided.
This exploit of a female ! ! : there she stood; nude; my State Handbooks
under her arm (so that the left breast lay partly atop them : on the
chalk-blue annual of 1843 ! !) : above a cold smile, below slippers.
Elegantly extended her right shoulder to me for a kiss : !. I pulled that
side to me (carefully; in order not to damage the books !); she raised a
trembling breath, such a mighty one, that her head fell back : —-—!—-
Then she struck her forehead devotedly against me : “I'll be back this
evenin’ : foah the whole night !” (And slippered with vigor and glad-
ness from thence).
(Pensive wash-up). —
44 @M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

In her apron armor (uptop vertical, below crosswise the color lattice)
she strode off accusingly; in her hand the broom lance, the thirsty
bucket shield on the left; about her head the witch’s turban glared :
“Scat !” and scolded impatiently : “Y’ oughtn’t al’ays drag “em along
like that !”; with mighty menace : “O you men should have t’ do
housewuhk sometime ! !”.
“Now wheah’s ——: my whiskbroom ? !” desperate looks-a-round and wan-
derings-a-bout : “I know I just........ ” (and so for safety’s sake
decamp to the jakes).
(The older you get, the rancider : | really never used to shit as stinky as
this ! Lift the brows and in distress shake off the thought).
Slinking past : she snatched maniacally in the black water, and strangled
the tatter with both fists; slapped the jute corpse onto the floor and ran
over it : the poor wretch was glued flat as Schlemihl’s shadow to the
end of his own brake marks, hit and run. All to be seen in the gabel of
her legs : lovely giant pediment !
Waxing : she leaned wildly at the doorpost, slouched over the broom
handle (blue rag knotted round the brush below), and designed :
“Machines ! : ’t’d do it all by theahselves !” — (until at last, baring
my teeth, I took the tool from her hand, and, bent in a grouch, shoved it
a few times through the room : —; —; —; -; — : ? She, full of hope :
“Looks really nice ’nd shiny, don’t it ? !”. We peered in a severe
crouch across the floorboards, so long that even to me it looked as
if — on one spot — — a bit of gloss — ?: ?!: ! : “Suah !” she decided,
taking such a big breath that, for safety’s sake, I caught the mighty
blue-latticed hemispheres, and we retreated content with it all).
(Plus women’s weariness ofcooking : granted : it truly is inane labor ! And
a waste besides ! There should be communal kitchens in every town,
sort of canteens for the entire populace, but at least 2 : there’s gotta be
competition ! — She nodded like an addict).
In the garden out back. We two. She, however, soon ran back inside, <to
peel potatoes», “for salad” as she hastily muttered. — I counted the trees
a bit then. The sky was mostly colorless, a sallow stream of POWs.
Lovely quiet garden really; lovely lawn : on two sides totally open; behind
was the house; next door only sheds and barns (and the gray wind
flowed viscous through them. Her full face marveled from time to
time at the window).
A distorted mouth, from which bicarbonate fell : she stormed 2 paces to the
water glass, guzzled and groaned with disgust (later then, 4 exuberant
belches rolled out of the wide labyrinths of her body; and she nodded
relief to me after each).
 THE STONY HEART # 45

“Wait ! : Stand ovah theah |” —

Black nylons : from her chair, she coquettishly held out her legs to me :
which was stockinged : ?. — Well now. — : one of them looked some-
what smudged, and I risked it : ? : “Right !”. (But then when I divulged
my criterion, that wasn’t so right either, and she scourged the air in
outrage : “You bahbahrian you !”).
In the vestibule now : “Heah, foah you !” came the shout from behind, and
feeble gesticulations out of the crack in the door : a pair of sleeve pro-
tectors ! To slip on. With elastic at the top — : “So y’ don’t get yoah
clothes duhty messin’ round with that stuff upstaihs”. I burst open the
door; and she retreated to her favorite spot beside the kitchen cup-
board. Crossed arms.
In front of her : silence. — She gave the linoleum around our feet an inten-
sive once-over. I said circumspectly : “Did you just sew ’em ? —— :
Frieda mine ?”. She nodded in embarrassment; we bit us; breath-fad-
ing; “This evenin’, for suah !”; then she nudged me to the door with her
hips: !.
Peevish at the table (in sleeve protectors ! And does she want to allot me
just one volume a week ? !). But then I began to pipe softly neverthe-
less.
Collating (ironing out old dog-ears at the same time) : even after 100 years
tears were taped, spines ingeniously remarbled (I am a deuce with the
paintbox !); I inserted 3 calico strips in the back of one, so that the
block sat firm (and immobile) in its boards (then a new endpaper over
the ends of the strips).
Wilhelm the Suchandsuchieth, called <The Cow of God> ! Now that is
good ! ! I gave it another look (meaning the <Fat> or <Lazy> : those
were, after all, the usual princely traits; but that’lldo for now ! !).
<Concertmaster> Satter : know all about it ! : he had played purported
American folk melodies for the <Blind King» — in which to his delight,
George then recognized his own <compositions> (and broke into a
sovereign glow at the thought of them resounding nonstop from the
Delaware to the Rockies). For which the crowned simpleton promoted
the charlatan to <Concertmaster> on the spot : took no more than the
debut to unmask the incompetent swindler, who skipped the country at
once (although not without leaving substantial hotel bills behind !— A
blind man as king ! ! Though it’s just the same these days, when states-
men of 80 ponder whether they can’t go for another 10 years !).
Hoppenstedt : here ! : 1839, page 24 and passim, had been a Privy Council-
lor by that name : whether he was related to him ? More likely yea than
nay. — (On principle, ought to have the Gotha lying right beside). —
46 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

(Wonder if he might have some State Handbooks as well ? ! And I

groaned a little : was I supposed to dicker with Him now too !).
In the tentacled tackle of names : | brandished my tongue; read off fates,
like printed matter; magistrates died, Wehber 24.8.1851 in Rotenburg
(and the scribes had to scribble busy-beely; still using raven= and
goosequills. — 1831 the cholera epidemic : “. . . fortunately the track-
less heath put an end to the further advance of the pestilence.”).
Sunset in my window : further dying my face bright colors in the shaving
mirror. (In 2 annuals, pages had been ripped out; for handwritten
supplements : bastards like that should be fricasseed !).
Still have to write the protestant church-office in Gottingen, about Jansen’s
death certificate. Eggers the necromant. — (“Soooup’s on !”).
Chewing robustly in the warm twilight : “My, tastes firrrst=rate !”. Now
and then each dashingly shoved a slicelet of sausage into the other’s
mouth : on his fork. “’dja just do ?” (So explain briefly). “Mmhm ‘nd
what else ?” Well now : explicitum est volumen. (Judging by which it
hadn’t been exciting enough. She hastily jammed the bowls and cups
into the sink : “Hand me that little plate — ahnoo : — theah : that one
ovah theah ——: Yes !”. — “Be upstaihs in fifteen minutes !” she like-
wise promissed).
Paint spine labels : | made deceptive imitations of scalloped edges, the old-
fashioned stroke of numbers and letters. ‘““Looka here !”. And she came
over marveling (but slightly confused, a la <why’s he doing this ?>.
Likewise placed herself, naked and noetic, near me again now).
Ciliate and Proboscidiate : | regarded us from below first, inwardly shook
my head, shark-eggs & Mars-spots : “Come here, my fish !” — “A fish ?
A fish ?” I heard her grumble; and she came fumbling, on slipper
animacules, with squinting cheeks and plodding haunch; snorts made
in unsatisfied expectation; vaults made : (thigh jaws gaped alligator-
ically; around a bushy minimuzzle : her body snapped shut : ! ! —
Growling above my corpse : “Theah’s yoah fish foah y’ !”).
(In the garottes of her segments). — ——
Nocturnal frogs : on our backs we hearkened to our mingle of heartbeat,
breath and croakcall. She giggled innocently : “‘D’ y’ know what they’ah
sayin’ ?”. (And taught it to me, until I could do it too ; <Mahtin ! :
Mahtin ! / What would you ? What would you ? / Cook the morrow ! /
I cook too ! I cook too !>; and so it continued, in mind-tangling dia-
logue. From the ponds of the night).
Frolic & Blighter crept my way; mistrustful; toes winked more pertly —:
and finally drove resolutely between my shins. “If it tuhns out we re-
ally might make some money on those books” (doubt-full) “then you
 THE STONY HEART # 47

git a thuhd !” she proficied, soporific & stormy : “And I’m buyin’ us a
fridge !”.
The noise-grid of the neighbor’s car heading home : a mocking rear-end
wall replied near and briefer still : <putt> !. — “Aeh «my husband> ?” she
said disparagingly : “Him ? ! : He comes my way about onct every foah
months !”.
“He’s got a guhl in Buhlin !” — “Nah : foah a good yeah now ! : His shot-
gun from Rethem was s’posed t’ send off a telegram foah him : ’nd
theah was a news blackout that same day in the Eas’zone : ’nd the
cluhk at the post office theah — he knows us — jist sent it back t’ me :
<Lina Hiibner> ’s huh name. <Buhlin=> ’nd then somethin’ oah othah
with <Adlah .... : I got it downstaihs !” she concluded with a threat. —
Well in that case.
“He does all his business theah : ’nd then can’t do ’nything heah; ’nd ’s
wuhse than the prodigal son at usin’ the jakes !”. — “Ah, it’s not that
he’s <bad>; but jist not the right man foah me. — Prob’ly not right foah
him neither” (full of thought. But then the babbling of the frog market
started up again so loud, Vanity Fair, that we had to laugh. She
scrambled up eagerly : “I'll be right back . . .”; made a vicious duck :
“Don’t peek !”. Her backside began to spit and puff — lateral pressure
on the labium (Resignation : cosi fan tutte. As consolation, explain the
difference between <me> and «moi»; she accepted it in part).
Whispering; my hand in the rift-valley of her thighs. She gave me the ten-
der pastry of her ear to eat, also wove moi through her fingers, and
laughed as that began to present difficulties : “Ohyou ! : I think I could
go round the clock too !” the poor thing admitted ruefully; but was
looking at me now full of hope : ?-: !.
Afterwards under the quilt : my hands were still tramping about over her,
until she yelped with content and fidgeted her mighty rear end deep
into me, all senses full of pralinées.
“Eas’wind” she murmured from sleep cocoons : “y’ can heah the Hoden-
hagen train : — —’ (enwrapped; in passage. And my fingers too had
botanized themselves fast).
(Stoic : the same cock kept bebickering his dingy night. Her nostriled
breath slipped across my hand, warm:cold, warm:cold. In endless
articulation).
(( : Jansen’s granddaughter ! : crazy ! !))
48 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

II

Swiftly came tidings from the latest report, how travelers on the Interzone
Train, without causing any commotion whatever, could be squeezed to
death. “Aeh-y’ got ev’rything ? !” Frieda, Countess of Peers, the cumu-
lus of her body behind a cyclopian wall of wrapped sandwiches (that
she apparently wanted to palm off on us). To be sure, I too was ner-
vous; almost like in days past, during those terrible times, when even
as I spoke I would see hovering horizontal pieces of ladders, as many
rungs as the sentence had syllables (and my hair freshly washed : mak-
ing me always look like the registered trademark for <Tornado Wax> !).
Outside, then, totterated cloud shapes; inside, word galls : “Y’ usually
nevah wuhry so much about me, y’ know” the trucker taunted. And
she, unfaltering, with black outrage of eyes : “Aehyou ! ! : You’ve
been drivin’ it for yeahs now : ’most every day !” While he relieved
himself outside yet again, she confided to me her dream of the night,
whispering in the vestibule : we had embraced, so that she <got her
back ripped>; the next morning then she had developed a hunchback
(sic !), and I had only said in chorus : «take it easy; give me a friendly
face» ! — :. That meant something nasty of course, granted; and she
fluttered about still exasperated and worried behind the garden fence :
re ty
rN thy&)

3:05 P.M. : we waited at the corner. A despairing cow was being driven
black&white to the butcher; and we regarded it with unfeeling pot-
roast eyes, canine-toothed, we, images of the divinity.
He banged his bit-off claws against his brow : “And y’ can be suah the
bastahd didn’t put ’ny gas in huh again neithah ! !” — ; “Aeh, don’t
mattah to me, y’ could just as easy send it gen’ral deliv’ry to some
West Buhlin post office oah othah, say Chahlottenbuhg oah what-
evah —” (but I went ahead and gave him my 80 D-marks anyway; “’nd
don’t even bothah to watch,” he advised me in the matter of his hiding
place : “Whatcha don’t know, y’ can’t spill !”. Right he is.)
“Sciaticker” (laying his hand to his loins). “Done too much hoistin’ ’nd
humpin’ !” he resolved, brutal=amused : “you’ah gonna end up
screwin’ up yoah hips, ’t’s genetic !”, and we bleated nervously in
 THE STONY HEART # 49

different directions : “Y’ have to git hahdened !” this waiting ! (And

what if he’s noticed something ? ! : «There shall we be alone : / there I
shall slay thee !>, Grabbe, Gotland; in this case then, East Zone).
Ra : tattat : daddaddat : vroom, vroom : All the earth and air trembled,
before the black double thunder : Karl had leaped in now, adjusting the
rearview mirror; still at it; while I painfully unhinged my leg for the
giant step : ! (On the radiator the lucky horseshoe : “Has t’ be a right
one though. Left ones don’t wuhk.”)
Like Heimdall, his whole mouth full of gold teeth : the shotgun. And blath-
ered and lolled, a veritable abyss of shallow; «concerning the good
fortune of being deaf in the left ear>. (But the sleeping berth behind
was interesting; and the monstrous milk tanks). Radio; and Karl
grabbed like a lord among the switches : trembling coursed relentlessly
through us (and so, Lord of the Tremble !).
Above his seat he had hung 3 Moors clad in motley, which he handled with
great respect; and liked to exchange words with them, too, on rough
stretches).
The briefcase, another check : We were now climbing and sinking across
the Aller bridge; flanked by the giant spiders : the same ones, right. —
And so the briefcase :
The duplicate of «Ringklib>; 3 tubes of Elmers, the paintbox. 2 little screw-
clamps; the tiny bottle of india ink; the
(overrun by the train : the tracks before us ! It spoke angrily to itself, with
dazzled brow, from portaled freight gills : “Y’ have t’ pay the seg-
ments !”’)
okay, the ruler and Nescafé-jar. Midst West-German federal vegetation.
(Dionysius of Halicarnassus’s chief demand of historians : no religion,
no fatherland, no friends : that’s what you get !).
“State Handbooks, huh ? !” he asked slyly (and amiably, as if of a child);
and I first had to explain to him that Ringklib had been the great statis-
tician of the Kingdom of Hanover; who, the moment changes were
made in regulations for home administration, new district lines or the
like, would immediately bring out a new edition : I lacked the 3rd from
1859 : so I would exchange my duplicate of the 2nd for the copy in the
east-zonal library. Par force, my prince, but of course !
From behind, the shotgun whinnied a tale : of how he had successfully
persuaded his kids that the pay gas-meter was a piggybank : and they
now religiously stuck every coin they were given between the insa-
tiable metal lips ! And we had to bark foxily too; “Somebody musta
dropped y’ on yoah noggin, huh ? !” the chauffeur commended. (On
distant hills, the herringbone pattern of firs).
50 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

In the door-pocket, the shotgun’s reading materials : «Soldier on the Home-

front», the rabble-rouser magazine; at the back an article «Partisans at
Minsk». (In comparison, how estimable Albrecht Goes, <Arrow at the
Heart»; though a few too many parsons show up in it).
Soon Germany will have its military dragon back, too !
Readers Digest, «Humor in Uniform> (and I pulled my mouth grimly wide) :
they are now about as far as we were in Hacklander’s day ! There is
nothing funnier to Europeans than to watch how these ostensibly so
superior Americans are now blabbing the same moldy=evil nonsense !
<Military slapstick» ! : fatuous folk ! ! (Not because they are perhaps
more fatuous than other folks in general : but because they fancy
they’re so much more clever !).
Also Georges Simenon, <The Head of a Man> : a labored rig-job of a detec-
tive thriller, and of sturdy banality : and that is ostensibly the French
head-of-the-class in literature at the moment.
“By Jupitah Ammon, the bastuhd’s passin’ us !” yowled the chauffeur (and
the truck was already rumbling by; before stringy fields; how the sign
whisked <Braunschweig=North>, across the Inland Canal.)
«Prussia» for «Military» : the nation of prey par excellence; and instinc-
tively felt=recognized to be such by the people. If ever there was
one, that gorged itself fat, so tough and historically wolfish, spartan=
roman, at the expense of more respectable folk : you need only com-
pare it to the example of Hanover ! And I fell bitterly silent : I knew
every jot and tittle, Schaumann=Havemann. : He who in his fortieth
year does not yet despair of Germany........ Every decent person
a Socialist. ......: and such word fragments. (And such : the pale
cement buildings of the little train station, red geraniums ogled,
flapped at balustrades, brown of door was diligently varnished : <hu-
man beings» lived within, did much, earned their way, chased after HER
of an evening, in warm sun dust, in which now and then raindrops were
just dimpling; civil servants cranked out white forms : I would enjoy
selling little tickets myself perhaps; I; Egg : Egg with the great Russian
giant of a ferris wheel !)
Noise and gas scent aliround : “Giant Ass with Oak Clustah & Swohds”
the chauffeur hissed; meant the snorer behind us in his sty. And in front
of us a blue-twilled demon filled our tank with repulsive gestures. (At
our side, in the little marketplace, a modern country fair : One fellow
had them shoot air-rifle darts into his naked breast : splat ! — : and
grabbed its piebald plume; and pulled out a long and pointy sack of
skin : the culture of the Christian Occident !)
Plus steady listening to the car radio now : an American Nobel Prize-
 THE STONY HEART @ 51

winner implored <oury governments to end atomic tests : only after

150-200 years could the biological consequences be clearly seen.
Quite possibly even man’s average life-span would be reduced ! — On
the other hand France announced that it had to begin production of
H-bombs at last : a great power was simply obligated to do so ! We
laughed more grimly; we, the first generation exposed to the radiation;
we, capable of brandspanking new sufferings. We, on our little feet,
heel toe one two three, before the little controlled explosions that
pushed our vehicle along : from Flensburg to Uberlingen, from Was-
serbillig to Marienborn, not a one who hopes anymore !
And then we four drove off again : shotgun, Karl, moi and I : the hard
splendid oscillations of the roads : they were living beings too, in the
same long place for centuries, like rivers and brooks (and I thought of
the pages of my surveyor’s maps : how back then I had glided from one
into the other with my tandem, on many a cold gray, how old how old).
“Well, somethin’ you’ve nevah had to deal with yet !” : Helmstedt and
endless backup of cars ! (The truckers and people’s police were lords
of the situation. Here still the Union Jack; over there broad red cloth).
Travelers in front of their buses : a forest of standees, on variegated leg
trunks, their limbs in their pockets. Voices over. Bushes of arms ap-
peared above at one point; acknowledged=swayed a little, and sank
again. The people’s police in sturdy khaki hue (“they’ah the bahracks
boys.”); then yet another race of gray-blues; (well, along the Saar the
catholic clergy wear uniforms, with very peculiar helmets. Sweden-
borg described the like once.)
“You gotta go through control too. — C’mon with me : to the truck-drivahs’
window !”. First they made a little sobranje; then someone shouted
merrily : “Hey, Fred, a Ham=burger !” : they regarded me with kindly
laughter : ? : Nah; was too old a vintage for personal acquaintance; and
gave me my first stamp.
Baggage check ! : people’s policewomen : big maidens with impressive
ominous piercing eyes. (The men considerably more casual, and thor-
oughly human; I ended up, fatalistically, with a female of course !).
She paged long in the Ringklib : the columns of numbers did not please her
in the least !—: !— (Until finally, out of sympathy, I called her attention
to the date : a century old, you see, right ? : “A present for an acquain-
tance” I added still with unconcern.)
The inhabitants of Liineburg Bailiffry ? ! : The valkyriette immediately
compared my face with it: —:!?
Closed it; let it glide back slowly (almost erotically ?) into the dark leather
slit; — I tried to lend my eyes an expression of official adoration : !
52 M ARNO SCHMIDT

(had difficulty with that, however : a long people’s policewoman in

bed : that seemed somehow — — : unsuitable, didn’t it ? Words like
<punishable> occurred to me; <compromised>; (but she definitely had
pretty hips); — —; nope : for the moment I could not come up with the
precise definition of my sentiments.) : “Yes please ? ——”
3 tubes of Elmers ? ! ? : say there, 1 was a funny duck ! She was still
standing bent over my paintbox, which ogled her convivially (thankgod
she didn’t find the screw-clamps; otherwise she would have probably
taken them for burglar’s tools. Which in fact in a certain sense. . . : be
silent, be still, my heart !)
Then she pressed the stamp into her hollow hand (apparently extracting
it from a tiny pad of ink there) and gave my control tag, 1'/," x 2", a
slap : I was recorded ! Always with the same hypnotic snake-glance :
black it was within; a helmet-strapped soul. (“What'd that giaouress
want ?” : Karl, curious; and whinnied : “Distinguishin’ mahks ? : Y°
shoulda said <toothprints in shaft ’nd head> !’’).
Waiting : he too was sitting on the short steps to the loading ramp, and
attempting a stoic smoke : “Y’ shoulda jist pulled on a blue ovahall”
he groused with lazy fidgets, grumbled and shoe-scraped. Quick with
another : “Hope he gits heah soon with them papahs !” (The shot-
gun).
Endless stream : races of cars : differ about the way dogs do (and the nose
is often in the rear end of the man in front; look there : the one that just
showed up, too : first it quivered with outrage and aspersed softly; but
then sniffed its way in ever closer —, —, — until Big Boy up front let out
a tickled yowl and bolted. Karl snorted disdainfully : it was all <nose-
squash» ! And explained the expression : when a local down-&-outer
died, to stay on the cheap, they’d always deliver a coffin so shallow,
that the corpse in question in fact — : aha ! Motif for a short story.)
“New ? ! : At best jist the old ’un rehabilitated with Oxydol !”
And these «<Baru>=buses, in which the elegant interzonal travelers rode ! :
soft lean-back seats with pillowy headrests; above each window seat
the little sea-green celluloid propellers for fresh air; the roof made of
some sort of plexiglass (to filter the sun’s rays blue : chic arrange-
ment !).—A furniture van shuffled from West to East : “Aeh they don’t
jist come outa the GD-ahR to us !” the whittling chauffeur explained :
“last yeah it was — aeh, thuhty-five thousand I think !” (Of which 40%
were those who had first <fled> to the West, and were now returning in
disappointment !).
“Wheah d’ you live ’xactly ? !” (That’s none of you folks’ business !) I
took an inaudible breath and said : <Hermeskeil> : in the Hundsriick
 THE STONY HEART H 53

mountains.” (I had erased an ancient ID around to that; altered town

and street : general direction suffices. Then I showed it to him again :
“Number 43”.)
“nd yoah money ? !” (Was inherited from an aunt : “She left me twelve
thousand at the time. And a rent-free room in her farmhouse. — : Ah
nah : was still nice & rosy-brown in her early 50s.” He giggled appre-
ciatively : “She was jist grateful, right ? !”). (Across the way the re-
freshment barracks with ComOrg prices. Plus the first huge banner,
white block-printed letters on blue, anti EDC : I’ve already been
through just-about everything : lain under fire from grenade throwers;
bowed before Alfred Déblin; played ping-pong with a nun : but never
this here until now ! — “My control tag ? ! : Yes please : here you are !” :
out the truck window).
The motor laughed dryly and spoke unintelligible words (except at times,
with bleak atheistic curbstones, you understood a name: ... <Curentul>
bo Ae <Romadur.........?)--
Autobahn conversations : “The way Frieder got so scahred all of a sudden :
didn’t she ? !” he led into it methodically; Grabbe, Gotland. Silence.
Clouds in white burnooses rode behind semi-hills. He regarded me,
ironic=kindly : “You’ah makin’ a face like y’ jist seen a huhmaphro-
dite !”.
“Didja think I hadn’t no-ticed yet ? !”. The air scurried steadily past me.
But he was suddenly all magnanimity and male candor : “Aeh-christ,
I’m glad really that she’s fin’ly got somebody too : Frieder !”. —
“Y’see I’ve got a guhl friend as well : in Easbuhlin !” (Now then time to
parry) : “Lina Hibner ?” I asked businesslike : he was flabbergasted;
so that, just to have something to do, he shifted down a gear : “Now
how d’ you know that ? ! —: From Frieder ? ? !— : Foah a whole yeah
now ?! !” He gave an intense curse : so that he was the <guilty party>
after all, time-wise. (Until I told him about the telegram; and red-
handed, he puffed out his cheeks : what an idiot there behind us ! !).
But we relaxed robustly : “Quick as me ? !” he asked settled=relieved, and
in such frolicking spirit now, only in Russian : “And should I say what
shall not pass... .”. (Women as highway crew; 2 dignified ones
sighted one another through little theodolites, and then walked off,
butts bouncing professionally, along the edge of the stylishly planted
median strip. Everywhere, still, the tokens of flooding; drift stuff and
glistening watermarks).
Hot in the cab, hot : that is my greatest objection to music, that Austrians
have excelled at it. — Broadcast from Northwest German Radio : <The
Body Was Just There !>, to which the chauffeur eagerly listened. Then
54 M@ ARNo SCHMIDT

a new station : “.... reaching an average of 80.” The beasts were too
lazy to add <m.p.h.» ! Schopenhauer.
“Aehh” he started up again diplomatically : “Balls like a Hungahrian ox !”,
and began all male embarrassment to give details of his new love : “I
al’ays spend the night theah, y’ see : she’s a refugee from Silesier” and
came up with a brief grin : “Must’ve been fantastic country : goin’ by
huh description !——: She’s waitin’ today at the Schermen exit : spent
a day with huh cousin in Buhrg : visitin’.”
The earth rolled away under us for hours, always in one direction, Astral
Drift |, so that I put my legs on the iron strut (below; across); “I bought
a summahhouse foah huh cheap : foah three thousand East : back when
the D-mahk was at | to 9 !” (For 330 West then : not bad. And the
revelations came slowly, as is only proper).
Nice-furrowed fields : here in the East, both lanes of the big autobahn were
never in good shape; on principle, they were always patching on one
side. And not a town touched the pavement. Across the high Elbe
bank : there the water growth clotted, your ribwort, butter-bur, clover,
coltsfoot, sedge. “Y’ know, the soht that’s been struck by lightnin’ ” he
tried to exculpate himself, helpless=cynically. (Meaning, synonym for
practically infertile; he laughed more foolishly; and I gave him a nod
so that in relief he ceased boasting; off Hohenwarthe : only 6 miles
now ! His foot stomped on the accelerator’s neck, and we flowed with
booming rapidity up the climb).
Still through endless forests : Start of the Flaming. Pines needled pubic
hair; from the color of the fallen foliage; : there the sign !; — and we
glided into the semicircular pull-off (where a shabby Volkswagen was
already parked, and chewing on sandwiches in crinkled paper.)
Lina, seen from inside : a complexion like pale café au lait. (“All ovah” he
whispered in praise as he got out). A gentle voice dwelt within her
(more detailed description : high; husky; veiled. Beneath brightblue
eyes). So we did a handshake, soft was the set of little wands, slippery,
fermented from the foam of the Sidras; she was freezing too, and had
draped herself with a plaid of the pattern of the Campbells. (To be sure,
the wind yawned about cold; I squeezed in behind a couple of scrawny
firs; “Gimme a smooch !” the chauffeur exacted.)
We looked at us cautiously; while Karl demanded “Wheah y’ been”. (And
so he received a brief declaration in précis form; was not content all
the same) : “You know that I adohr you a la folie; but . . .” he puffed;
and : “Say, knock off those sohts a reproches, okay ? !”. For he was
always in the best of moods when he started macaroniing; rubbed her
pied hands for her, and flung open the door : “Puhahps, young lady, if
 THE STONY HEART MH 55

I might erect a little something for y’ : — —’. She shook her head in
bemused rebuke : medium height, and very thin. Still young : probably
early twenties. (I helped her climb in : an arm, soft and weightlessly
cool, like a tan linen binding).
Between us : he reached into his pocket with rusty fingers : a tiny bright-
colored bar of chocolate. Plus a sap-green slip of paper from the drug-
gist : <Sowing=Calendar / Dom=Seeds> : she gratefully laughed his
way, and studied with home-garden concern. (While he happily chat-
ted nonstop. Once she licked a glance my way. Once I thought I heard
<Frieda>; and me right behind. At any rate she regarded me with
nonabating interest).
He stepped on it lightly : at once the amazed motor ceased to mumble.
Then triumphantly and very rapidly it said <Sumburgh=Head, Sum-
burgh=Head, Sumburgh=Head>. Ancient yellow-brown buses pulled
on past; full of vacation children; they laughed and waved. Now and
again even a bike-rider came toward us on the autobahn : ? — “Locals,
highway crew” he said to his steering wheel. “Mostly cahrs from the
West” acknowledging, unasked, the license plates.
Internal debates (I had pressed myself as much as possible against my right
door) : “But deah child, you’ah bahking up the wrong tree ! —-—: No
suh ! No suh ! ——: Nothin’ but cats in that head 0’ yoahs !” and com-
pletely exhausted : “What a hookah !” (That seemed to be an old joke
they shared; for she calmly confirmed : “<Narguilé>”. It’s masculine in
French you see). : “Hey, didja know she can bend around her little
fingah all by itself : on huh left hand !” (proud; she obediently demon-
strated : —: it’s contrary to nature : the others stayed stretched out with
no effort ! Even I had never seen anything like it ! All she needed now
was to have her heart on the right !).
Rain (with subsequent bow : a double one in fact ! He smirked contentedly
at the good omen. — On Nehmitz Lake, the sailboats).
The landscape appeared to be always just at the horizon; certain Krep-
linesque trees, ordered in dusty flat galloons; here a piece, there a
piece; the last red of dusk spread itself within the Beltramic limiting
circle.
Checkpoint Berlin : drivers and police engaged in friendly conversation :
all knew each other. I carried her duffelbaglet, and she nodded serenely
at me twice. On the heavenly skin, the dirty scar of the moon now.
Up along the Avus : I observed the racetrack with curiosity I admit (al-
though, as is only proper, the mouth aproned in disparagement) : I'd
never entered Berlin from this angle before ! Shadow troops of chim-
neys, with smoke turbans.
56 BM ARNo SCHMIDT

Rubble; rubble : through all of Charlottenburg : his hands and feet grabbed
and worked incessantly.
Through a somber portal gate : at once blackness (blueness ?) hemmed us
in, applying word-leeches and rubber-serpents to us.
Among the throbbing personnel : “You guys go on ahead” Karl troated :
“I’m gonna tuhn in the bus : buy the tickets.” She made a cunning box
of her child’s hand, and he thrust the coins coitally into it : she knew
the way.
Alone with Lina; in the filthy lobby of a city train station : halting single
words (though unembarrassed. On the walls : forms of posters; the
conductor waited at his punch; she held a sort of shopping bag before
her thighs).
“So !” : he slapped his way up the gray stairs, worn low, since Kaiser
Wilhelm, he of the Balbo beard : “Christ : nine thuhty already !”. On
the platform the faraway gaze of sturdily ducktailed West lads : we
disapprovingly regarded their rumba-motley tunic shirts, which they
had left hanging unseemly out of their too-short trousers : that’s not
where freedom begins ! “Quick, get on !”
My vis-a-vis, a pallid lady, yawned her thighs discreetly : I courteously
made covetous eyes; and content and matronly, she threw the lardy
cudgels over each other again. “Don’t talk s’ loud neither” Lina
breathed down over her chin.
He brandished his gazettes, the East peddler : “Berlin News : 6 pages
today !” (That was quite a thing apparently ! Normally only 4 : how are
writers supposed to live on that ? !).
The chauffeur snatched the weather map for himself (has to do it I suppose;
for the road conditions) : a low has been loitering around west Norway
since yesterday (I know it all : Tyskebriiggen and Bergenhiis; plus the
caves of Fléjen mountain, where in 1665 Niels Klim descended into
the lowest galleries of the Hohlerden). Berlin 64 degrees, and west
wind at 4 on the Beaufort : Bon. Reassured, he gave it back.
Johannes R. Becher : finally, a German poet who’s a minister, the first
since Goethe ! / Exodus of John & Schmitt=Wittmack. / Yes, that was
the cutest trick back then, the way Heuss & Adenauer, just before the
election, were quick to block the Supreme Court’s determination that
their policy violated the constitution : apparently didn’t want to know
about it all that precisely !| / «Adenauer : Reducer of the Reich. But
Fidei Defensor !> : they gave him what for; but Karl just nodded stol-
idly : “Y’ can read that heah every evenin’ : One of ’em peddles the
Saar; the Othah spouts off about the Odah=Neisse=<Peace=Bound’ ry>”
(And Lina suddenly gave a very angry nod !).
 ine SPOms lebaAR@ | | S7

Of course : a regime that wants to re-arm, simply must fall back on those
elements who floated to the top with Hitler back then : nobody else is
going to volunteer for that sort of thing ! : Whoever is amazed at that,
or wants to deny it, must really be damn naive !
Quite right : the West with its asinine Fritzwalter=cult ! (Though to be
sure, here you’ve got : your <Heroes of Labor» : instead of honestly
explaining to people that work is unfortunately still a necessary evil. —
Always some «Special Shift for Peace» or other : they’re just as loony
here too !).
3 locomotive engineers from Stendal had pledged themselves, in honor of
the national elections, to drive faster than was scheduled in the time-
table ? ! He grimaced in acknowledgment : “Y’ git that puhty often in
these pahts : jist like soccah-playahs <pledge> t’ kick 10 goals in the
comin’ season !” And the doors closed again across the <Ostkreuz> sign.
And the chauffeur’s ubiquity : | paid genuine homage to it now for the first
time. “Wild way of life : life whiled away” he inverted at once, mak-
ing every other commentary useless : right he was. “But it’s quite a
strain !”’.
“-Adlershof> !” : “Go ahead ’nd buy a dozen tickets foah t’morrow” he
admonished impatiently. (White thin slips; half as thick as in the West !
But absolutely thrifty=correct — : “C’monc’monc’monc’mon !”)
Curious outside : on the left the tiny bright-colored lanterns of a train-
station pub, people sat and laughed : according to the news in the West,
it was in fact the duty of East Zone residents to look pale and dirty, was
it not ? ! — Across the way the «ComOrg> of blue-light tubes.
Though I admit : the paltry bestarring of the sky ! Cellulose cloudwork
(synthetic fibers). Even the moon was anything but full here : its dusty
husk filled with an equally large ball of ashes. I’d love to brew-mash
some sausages; and limburger. They led me without pause through
suburban streets growing ever darker; all arc-lamps retreated; the
shadow cubes of houses caved in : wait, weren’t these graveled paths
now ? ! (“’t’s rained” Lina muttered reproachfully to the fenced-in
night).
Locking up at the garden gate : I was still trying to get my bearings some-
what; but saw only the flat bodies of blackness —— : there; in the (where
are stars ? — Aha : north; — noo : northeast !, there seemed to be a
scrawny woods. Hard by, the hoofprint of the moon. She was at the
lock of the thin-skinned cavern now; and he piloted me along the short
path :-—-—:!-—-:)
“Pull down the blackout shades !” : made of wool blankets and bean-
poles. For starters, I turned the little hourglass beside the door upside-
58 M ARNO SCHMIDT

down; she immediately began a slow and sly laugh; but had to cease at
once to wail out : “Don’t step on the cats !” :
He shoved his feet around in any case like a neophyte ice-skater, and bel-
lowed back in despair : “This is gettin’ outa hand ! : A man can’t even
walk around wheah people ahr what with this shufflin’ gait : move like
a breech-loadah !” (She with a cautious high cock-walk : fine pair !)
And now the presentation of the cats, which, rejoicing at the return of their
mistress, rubbed through the room and gently hooliganed :
“Hintze” : the — truly ! — wonderfully pastel-hued yellow-gray one; (“old
Fattyfancyhintze” she said with maternal pride). And a very small one,
its eyes still closed, in its thick gila-monster head : was already yellow
and pale gray too, but with 3 black dapples on it : (Now it was my turn,
for <giving my opinion>.)
(First off, praise). (But slowly. : And find some small blemish; that creates
far more respect than an uncritical=false <sweeeet !>). So then, circle
around this open palm several times : “Hmm.” Stroke the flank of
the little one : “He’s gonna be even more beautiful !” (Which carries
with it of course the implication that the other one is beautiful too ! —
Ah, here :) “The tail seems too short to me. And too pointy.” (And
at once adding : this was after all a matter of my competency ) :
“With <normal cats> the tail is supposed to total two-thirds of the body
length : the latter measured from the root of the tail to the <«midauricu-
lar point»” (I invented this latter term as swiftly as if it had been a
concept among breeders since the days of Evan Dhu of Wales: ? !). —
She glanced around between us uncertainly (later, then, for days on
end I saw her harassing all the cats of the neighborhood with a tape-
measure !)
It honked behind him : he burst into full laughter and stank. We pulled nary
a face, but rather observed the garish tongues of light; the swollen
wicker-chair arms; the thin runner, where brown stripes dallied among
yellow; we were separated from the wind by at most the plank wall.
(“Wheah all d’ y’ suppose them boards have bummed around !” he said
in praise of the cottage : was born of a freight car, metamorphosed, and
we gave the planks the silent flat of our hands : Every square inch
wants to live a little longer too !).
And 19 by 10feet in layout : here the dining=living=bed=parlor : 1 latticed
bedstead with spring mattress, | primeval linden-green sofa (with 2
deeply besat plush basins for visiting rears); 2 wicker chairs and 1 ditto
round table; the angle between door and wall planked over into a tiny
disproportionately tall triangular cupboard. (The walls already painted
with new enamel, yellow and gray : to match Hintze).
 THE STONY HEART MH 59

Through this door : the miniature kitchen five by ten : a kitchen cupboard
(which made 2 threatening eyes from glass rhombi up top : that sort of
thing pursued me for years as a child !); the small-stove with crude
black raw wrought-iron burner; copious rust spots on it and along the
side : so she’s reasonable=casual; bon.
The <hallway> : again 5 by 10. (“Now here, y’could tuhn this into a
verander !” : he, filled with hope. They had followed me mutely, to
hoe, spade, rake and deckchair. Shoe-polishing kit and cardboard-box
pile. “Plus 415 squahre yahds of gahden on puhm’nent lease : 39 by
95.” 412 then; I nodded, my teeth in my lower lip; a windowlet in the
hallway : 4 book-sized dusty glass minipanes).
(And walk back in, pondering, hands at my back : they eagerly came up
close behind).
In the salon again : “For that money : marvelous ! — Live slick as a
whistle.” Their countenances relaxed; relieved breath slid out of them;
their shoulders sank unburdened. Worried, to her : “But in winter it
must be rather crisp, Miz Hiibner : Don’t you have a stove in here ?
some little tiled item or other ?”. — But his shouts now were only for
feeding time).
First she ran around the cottage again : to see if the blackout was sealed
right ! He rummaged a little electrician’s nippers with glassy insulating
handles from his toolbox (and fascinated, I followed the subtleties of
my settlers on the lower Spravya.) A questioning glance : ?; she gave
a swift nod : he pulled the little one-burner electric hot-plate from
the stove oven : from the cord behind there dangled 2 pins in lieu of a
plug ! Onto the footstool beside the door with it, (<pull-up> she called it
in a child’s Silesian dialect); and then he stuck the pins — gripping the
head precisely with the nippers, so that the points emerged as a
serpent’s tongue — into two holes, visible only with a magnifying glass,
in the hookup wire : beyond the meter ! ! ! Looked up over his shoul-
der, fat=majestic gaze : Manolescu, King of Thieves !
“Brought an immuhsion-heatah along too. — This heah’s the hot-plate. :
’nd an electric space heatah” (in a tidy box under the floorboard; first
you had to pull a nail-head out of the baseboard : pull the latter back :
then you could lift the thin planks like a lid. The sturdy hinges were
so neatly screwed to the inside that nobody could see it : first-class
work !). “Come change 0’ season, a space heatah like this is wuhth its
weight in gold ! They pahcel out the ’lectric’ty heah : ‘nd it’s gen’rally
tuhned off half the evenin’.” (“Heah’s the Philco too” : the little super-
receiver stood on a wall-shelf in the parlor, worthily connected into the
official plug : “they’ah real cheap heah — : 30 West-mahks : ‘nd it’s
60 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

yoahs !” Smiling and pleasantly dumbfounded, I merely shook my

head : what possibilities !)
“Heah’s all yoah gimcrack’ry !” : he poured his briefcase out onto the
kitchen chair and cupboard counter : sacks; Frieda’s sandwiches; | tin
box; “Didja remember the pepper ? — There hasn't been ’ny caraway
for a year now !” (Lina complaining to me; but made a sure somnam-
bulist’s grab for the pea-sausage : just | minute cooking-time ! Was
all that just a matter of sagas ? : about the godly housewives of the
Middle Ages, who spent a whole quiet lifetime at the cooking stove
and marital couch ? !) But he was now in the midst of an impressive
grab : “Nah, not t’night ! : Try this heah.” : Knorr <Chicken with Rice>.
“Right, "nd when the money runs out ?” she demanded. Well then :
“Then we’ll jist take off foah the Rio Grande” ! (Fatty fancy Hintze
was standing now with his front paws on the footstool edge, watch-
ing excitedly : how it was cooking, and mistress drilled the noble soup-
stuff with a fork. And then back the other way. Tincatinca, the tench).
The dry jakes : was stuck onto the outside, 30 by 30; and cramped my
figure, I mean, folks, not fair. The university of the common man; and
pitch-dark; I risked a match : but clean. (Only after I had sat and pro-
duced did it occur to me : no paper !).
No paper ? ! ! : My hands raced about me; clambered into all my pockets,
Goodgodinheaven I can’t just — use those tiny tickets ! In the bulge of
trousers : ? — what a situation this was ! : Should I cut off my hair and
try it with that, in my watch-case lay a red egg-sized felt disk : for dab-
bing ? — oh hell : handkerchief ! And tear off some of my shirt, sure. —
(But then finally I found another notebook, and used every single page :
what madness ! How could they possibly not hang something up ? !)
Bellowing Karl : “Wellnow, my boy : ain’t no such thing as toilet papah
heah ! Didn’t y’ notice from the newspapah : how scahce it is ? !” And
I had thought I was going to shop for cheap typing paper in the East !
Maybe even some good white cardboard; for the Hanover file. : “But
the East used to be the forestry and paper belt !” “Suah, used t’ : used
t’” he retorted loftily; and she muttered something like <Silesia> : so
first you just have to learn bit by bit what the good buys are, and what
aren't.
“Heah’s your money by the by” : he held out the bills to me, with lofty
nonchalance, and I took them. Curious ? — Well, he opened his mouth :
(but closed it, suddenly alert again; and her gestures, too, grew slow
and soundless : ? —)
Outside dangerous whistling and rattling : “Aehyah : the jet fightah.” (Ex-
plain : a neighbor had an antique motorcycle, and so forth. — “In the
 THE STONY HEART BH 6l

frame o’ the reahview mihrah, see : ’t’s got a double-wall.”).

<China=tea> ? : like dishwater ! : First she had to slurp down a raw egg;
imperious, he would not back off, and she did it, touched and serious.
(Well, I'd definitely prefer not to !) and gave a well-behaved smiled.
Then the main course :— What ??!!:
<Blue soup> ? ! — : and even the unshakable Lina stared disconcertedly
at his plate : “I just cooked — — : in the pot that I used last : to dye my
blouse.” the finely scratched voice stammered. —. —. The chauffeur,
perplexed between laughter and hunger’s wrath, ladled himself a
spoonful, and we took renewed alarm : the grains lay sea-green in their
wild-hued bath ! : Knorr : «Chicken with Rice>.
“Do y’ still have the package ? ! : Maybe the label read «Poisonous» ?” I
helped things along a bit; and she flew aghast to the cardboard box
under the kitchen stovelet, outside. And came back now : “Here’’, and
forlornly held it out for us to check, firmly determined not to trust her
own senses any further :
Turning it back and forth : <Heitmann Simplicol, No. 601 : dark black»
(“What ? : E 605 ? !”) “Nope : nothing on the label.” Wavering. / So
yet another decision was necessary before we filled up : “Well — if we
<cash in> at least we'll know exactly what from” the chauffeur re-
solved; played the cavalier, and into the sapropel.
:-,-,.- “Nope; don’t taste all that diffrent.” (afterwards demanded hero-
ically : “Y’ still got a little moah ?”. But she shook, just supplicating :
Thankgod all gone ! Pleading, bent her little finger around : that was
something at least, right ? Also fetched | little bowl of very wild ber-
ries; and Frieda’s sandwiches brought our world back to equilibrium).
For an unbearably long time the station signal whetted; hands with gnawed
off nails lay before us in a pile. Around. The East announcer slandered
subtly; meaning a great jousting of syllables and split=hairs :
EDC rejected in France : Adenauer accordingly described the situation as
<extremely serious». (“Right, foah him : foah us it’s deliv’rance !” :
Karl.) Subject the Bundestag to a <Bonn Inspection» sometime.
The dial died out; as did the voice : “O shit : ’lectric’ty’s off ! : Give us
a flickah !” “Good thing that we kept the hot-plate going” she said
calmly; while she stuck the candle onto the matchbox : “The big pot’s
almost hot.”
Saving ? : “Zhaving izh madnesh” she said through her teeth (while brush-
ing; then, standing up) : “That just means wasting energy for a future
that you’ll never have : ’ve sheen it too many timezh.” (back down
again; and we nodded to one another in our triangle : wisdom of refu-
gees).
62 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

Forgot the sugar ? : “What don’t y’ want ? !” (she had reminded him quite
softly, and he flared up : these women are never satisfied !) : “Hey
okay : y’ want heaviah stockin’s ? Biggah shoes ? Longah skuhts ? :
huh ? !” but had to laugh right off, at his own good joke, and shoved me
outside : “Would y’ mibbe pump the cement trough full, Waltah ?
In the dark out there, at first I felt only the rough stone edge; he put
the handle-pipe in my hand, and showed how I had to to move it:
knock, knock : like a metronome. One fence picket pointed didacti-
cally at the headmaster moon (More or less. And tire:lessly : did:dle :
that : handle).
The deckchair I placed out on the grass (not in the hallway : after all, they
wanted to be very alone sometime too !) Here : okay ! A blanket,
folded over double, underneath (fold it again at the top : as a plush
thick pillow). One to cover me : “Ah, won’t get cold tonight, Miz
Hiibner !”. The footstool for propping my feet up; she brought me
another flat old-flowery pillow; I now ostentatiously=merrily pulled
off my shoes : — : — (nothing else of course. Like Marshal Suvoroy;
who, whenever he wanted a comfortable sleep, would unbuckle his
spurs); and stretched out before her eyes : “G’ night.” : “’sindeed”
(Karl. They disappeared).
A branch structure wrote in Hebrew before the moon-cloud. Slipperings
not far off and whisperings; red fir behind.
<The Gentle Law» ? ! : Somebody should ’ve sat Stifter down in front of a
nova sometime ! Or just brought him close to the sun !
In this excellent creation, your only choice is between explosion and rot !
(And so we’ll have a look around) :
<Nunc handum in backum feelibant, nunc sua neglis / Tittia scratchibant,
nunc loines, nunc kneeosque>. Also <Legos bellyumque peekybanb :
Floia. (Then she disappeared wordlessly beneath him. Just once, the
flat ribbons of her legs. And I laid me again over the herbs). (He
serviced her by some sort of antiquated godforsaken method; at which
he soon used up a half hour of course. — Then scurrying back and forth,
and water sounds. He came out too, with a most unnecessarily reefed
shirt, paper between his teeth, and snorted drowsily : no wonder, when
in Ahlden he could hardly get a peep out of his eyes !).
Lights out : We have provided all things with pain : light “burns”; sound
“dies”; the moon “wanes”: waves “break”; wind “howls”; the brook
“twists and turns” just as does the street. /My heart pumped the night
away : stupid arrangement, some sort of enamel-red syrup constantly
greasing around inside us ! You need a stony one, like in Hauff. (The
wall gave a little cough over there).
 THE STONY HEART H# 63

So then, Night Thoughts (couldn’t sleep anyway : too much image material
today). Femininity may brush past, as afterglow; as dust layer on the
book fore-edge; long and washed-out. Long & white exhaling.
The stony heart : only by the thin umbilical cord of the State Handbook
series did the world still hang on to me ! The night shuffled ever softly.
Emptyalong. (“Hintze !” whispering : he replied with tail gestickula-
tion that he indeed heard me, but had more important things in mind
at the moment). ETA Hoffmann’s favorite literary technique of begin-
ning with the catastrophe is doubtless based on his occupation as a
lawyer : where «the crime> always presents itself with a bang first, and
then afterwards is cleared up from back to front. (The moon had al-
ready caught itself in its own snare of light).
Ahyes, the great card catalog : A population a grows in n years to z=a
times q square of n; where log q, by my calculations, for the Kingdom
of Hanover works out between 0.0035 and 0.0040 (For 1000 residents
there are on average 10 deaths for 20 births per year : you have to know
that ! If, let’s say, you know only a person’s year of birth is 1793, and
the town at the time had 600 residents : presumably you need to check
through only a dozen names and/or pages in the parish registers : a
thoroughly tolerable expenditure of energy !). So that if 10,000 names
appear in the first annual, in the last one, 1865, about 15,000........
Yes, fifty thousand index cards ought to suffice. 1'/,” x 2” too tiny; if you
had a woman’s fingers. And 3” x 4” would certainly be the ideal; but
costs exactly twice as much. So that leaves only 2” x 3”, set on end. But
it’s got to be good stiff pasteboard, ink-proof, as indicated. Then the
little cabinet for the cards : to be put on the desk : can’t be done for
under 300, 350 marks ! The 3000 most interesting persons each get
a special page in 3-ring files. I'll put together a biography of 10 men.
Pf-f-f : three hundred fifty marks ! (I knew by heart what lines to have
printed, recto and verso !).
Stiff from lying motionless : moi murmured garbled syllables from heart
and bowels. Moon moss pullulated on all clouds : 3:20 a.M.—:?—:
Aha !
Lina, swathed in a white man, at her left ear the hirsute voice : once again
they were making a Siamese twin in there : their bellies were bound by
an inch-thick (apparently quite elastic) cord. I screwed my aching back
around, and gave a corseted moan through my nose : mfff !
Wearily peeled it off (quite proper, all things considered, to dupe the Levia-
than with condoms : but I thought he didn’t have any reason to do
that ? !). Then they stood up officially : so back into my basket ! (Dawn
breaking now : how will it all look by day ?)
64 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“S’long Waltah !” ; he tapped me on the shoulder; and : “Put yoah chaiah

back in the hallway : gits too cold to’ahd mohnin’.” So I stumbled up,
in the decrepit humdrum of the fog morn, and dragged my skeleton
through the door : closed again, and into the quiver of blankets. —
brrrr ! —
The wall burst as doors unfolded : a black noise brushed in; stood at the
foot-end and smiled off into yellow (=acoustical awakening; optically
it looked like this ; Lina in nightshirt, but bound over that, up front, a
veritably leathern apron-hide; plus a somber headscarf : “Stay in bed
for a moment yet” she recommended with embarrassment and sneaked
off along the wall.)
Water clinkered : I’ll risk one eye : she stood in the grayest morning fra-
grance before a small aluminum basin, and washed nimbly : the little
breast, with a brown circle up front (above the other one the red trim of
the towel dangled).
She came in on deathly pale feet; stood cautiously down below, Hintze
crept a gray-yellow 8 around her naked ankles : “So, you can go now”
(always in a whisper tone, as if we were still stalking through demi-
sleeps).
Outside (likewise with manly bared torso; from the same washbasin.
Which was also used for peeling potatoes, as I discovered later : the
king, to be sure, has a bathroom ! And a high bright gray sky, with snail
shadows around a puddle of light). Only now could you see that a
checkerboard of white-red flagstones lay here.
There must be music : the radio shuffled along on fiddle skids; a piano
splashed; and you got right dozy from the wrinkled melody (which was
just gurgling away slowly in basso depths : earth crater, sound holes,
pond and moor. Always with local stuff in between, with crazy unfa-
miliar abbreviations and slogans of the GDR : slick schmoozing. At
first | gave it a try each time : ? —-— Nah; you understood only 70 per-
cent !).
Lina, nonchalantly : “My but you’ve got a fine shirt !” (Had fingered it as
it hung over the chair arm : “Material here is superlousy ! — : Leather
shoes ? ? : they don’t even exist here !”). Hintze appeared, self-assured
and efficient, despite locked door, and she proudly explained to me
that cat-holes had been sawed into them all : “Nothing to hold ’em
back !” (The one in the front door, however, could be fitted with a
wood block when they were supposed to stay inside : she showed it to
me : it was a perfect fit : “Karl made it.”’).
I put a spoonletful of Nescafé in her cup (before which she waited with
polite shining eyes); she beamed the clear boiling water over it : so.
 THE STONY HEART M# 65

When I looked around for milk, she contritely brought the saucer with
the last little heap of sugar and the half-empty can of Libby’s : “Only
children get any here : if Karl didn’t bring some along sometimes,
I wouldn’t have any at all for the cats !” (So [ll bring a couple with
me later. And sugar). We slurped the stuff. With Frieda sandwiches :
she held one to her mouth with both hands, quiet and grateful for the
moment.
“You don’t have to register at all” she explained, “but of course you don’t
get any ration cards either. — : Aeh nah, the officials are courteous !
Otherwise you'd also have to sign the <House Book», at Eisendecher’s
over there : Sort of your Block Leader.” (Administrative lag).
Food ration cards : meat, oil, sugar, milk are still rationed. There are three
classes, A, B, C; whoever makes more then 500 marks gets the <Intelli-
gentsia Card>. (Implying, then, the touchingly naive assumption that
the intellectual makes a good living : and vice versa. Both of which, as
is well known, are not the case !). “As a West visitor, you would’ve
gotten an A with no fuss” (That is, the best; to fake abundance). “Natu-
rally nobody makes it with the cards ! But out there in the Zone things
are even worse by that much than in East Berlin : this is still supposed
to be a <display window». My cousin in Burg gets a good 40 percent
less of everything ! — : Y’ just have to find some way to buy at the
ComOrg.”
“Did you pick up a packet of groceries from West Berlin then too ?” : “Of
course” she said calmly : “Why not ? !”
“<The state» ? ? : But the state is my enemy !” she declared, frank=amazed :
“Tt does whatever it wants to with us : and mostly the wrong thing ! Do
the idiots think we don’t notice ? Has it protected my property and
me ? ? Paid, fed and clothed me adequately ? ?” (she spread her elbows
wide as proof; and pierced through and through, shook her narrow
head) : “Nooo : people come first !” (And then for a good while nix :
Quite right. Just as with us in the West : quite right !)
(Then shaved anyway : sure to be fancy bastards at the State Library, and so
I’ll have to make a serious appearance : <The first impression . . . ».
“Nah ’Il be here the whole day; you can come nd go as you like. —:?:
You need to get off at Friedrich Strasse !”’).
Below reddish shoes, above gray morning flocks : the right togs for going
out (from Latin <toga>, by way of thieves’ cant. 2 dreadfully old quails,
with long fox furs and granny demeanors regarded me with burning
discretion from the yard across the street).
Through the colony : everywhere, stretched out on walls, the ghastly
wrenched figures of crucified trees : how wonderfully built virgin firs
66 M ARNO SCHMIDT

are, when they stand totally free ! (not the artificially inflated quitch-
figures of our forced-growth forestries : long live the Liineberg Heath !
— That is to say : not anymore nowadays either, with the English sys-
tematically ruining it ! Well, our «military reservations» will soon be
added ! — Plant batik and colons.)
Among the factory smokestacks hung the sky’s gray net : so, a villaed sub-
urb. (Where was I really ? I resolved to study the map of Greater Berlin
later : Képenick and the Wendish Spree should be nearby, shouldn't
they ? I searched for them in the sky; but no cuffed hand appeared to
point with headmasterly index finger : there !)
And so revenge (as if <vengeance> were not enough !) : the old church ? ? —
regarding the steeple with a scientist’s disgust : with just your naked
eye you could see that the diagonal intersection of its rectangular
floorplan and the projection down from the roof-spire would definitely
not coincide : you can’t trust ecclesiastical institutions ! (As any sur-
veyor will spontaneously confirm : no geodisist with senses intact
chooses church steeples as triangulation points, not as long as there’s
something else ! Quite apart from renovations and repairs (which will
complicate locating it again later, as is always necessary) and the acute
pendular swaying in the breeze : just fry it sometime, using a sensitive
instrument to sight from one steeple to another 20 miles away : you'll
think you’ re sitting in a swing ! Apart from all that then, most timber-
work suffers from considerable secular deformations; from drying out
and from the sun’s steady rays from just one angle; rain beating in and
persistent pressure from the chief wind direction : atheism, therefore,
might be based on that alone ! — And I continued my modest pilgrim-
age : the knowing mind has much to suffer !).
A wood-gas=truck ? ! ; yes indeed ! : we haven’t seen one another for a
long time ! I stood still, and touched, I contemplated the driver, who
was churning faithfully away there in the fuming kettle. (At least the
cars were fundamentally more considerate of pedestrians than in the
wild West, and braked courteously when you crossed the road in front
of them. I had already made the same remark to Karl yesterday
evening; but full of prejudice, he had dismissed it with the general
poverty of the East : they didn’t even have enough people to get run
over !).
And fewer Russian soldiers in fact, than Amis and French among us; hm
hm.
The thin ticket please : the interurban was still ¥*"S”,
red ?
just as back when a
stick of butter cost 80 pfennigs. And no further controls : we slithered
unmolested through all the stations of the Lionel.
 THE STONY HEART MH 67

Girl in the trolley : with soft-green chic rings around her eyes (and a little
red mouth so puckered as if in a permanent whistle : how must it look
then if she were really to whistle ? ! Above a white high ripple rolled
collar : the neck stem, artery suffused, slowly turned the face blossom
to all left sides, where East Berlin flowed adroitly past; a seventh-
wonder creature.)
Or here : The dress of thousandfold tormented crépe de chine; above which
was propped a newspaper as face. (A grove of coerced smokestacks,
and fast-growers with flat, skewed crowns of smoke. And all of it full
of mois : pale doll torsos inside splotched artificial skins; they plyabled
around each other; limbs hinged on stairways; the crépe dress got out
at Friedrich Strasse too).
Papery sky; the watermark of the sun.
A sign at the corner : Here a swine of an officer had had 2 home-reservists
hanged because they refused to cooperate with the madness any longer :
Lest we forget ! (And fine with me ! : In the <Free West» they don’t
mention it anymore; would probably too greatly impair the <will to
fight» demanded again at the moment ! There is really a quite healthy=
heterodox air here in the East !)
The well-known Schinkel=facade of the State Library : was called some-
thing else now of course. (On the right the <Academy of Sciences> :
I’ve still 1 bone to pick with you, folks !). The fountain in the gray-
green courtyard surged academically gentle (and I took one more deep
breath before I pushed in the heavily cushion-suspended door :
Ringklib lay within !) —I had of course written copious inquiries ahead
of time (and needless to say, about other items as well; as a diversion-
ary tactic, cela va sans dire !). First I checked my briefcase in at the
cloakroom; only taking my <writing materials» out : inside the mighty
folder, my copy couldn’t be seen at all ! Out on top the touchingly
simple pen-case, right ? (you can see right off with a smile : He is
harmless ! — Okay !).
At the turnstile : 2 doormen in gray smocks were guarding one another. [ at
once flatly refused to pay the one mark East demanded of me; budget=
concerned (that way you pass for a poor learned wretch; very good !).
“TI have an appointment.” He reached mistrustfully for the telephone in
his booth : “Herr Doktor Miinzner please —— : Yes ! ——: Herr Doktor ? :
There’s a Herr uh-Eggers here. — Who says he wrote you some time
ago” (he covered the mouthpiece with his hand, and glanced in annoy-
ance at me in my anxious gesticulations : ?) : “says he wrote you uh=
several times. Maps and books on Hanover. — — —” (Ah ! : They’ve
found the letters upstairs !).
68 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Average-sized he minced up to the gigantic flight of stairs, skewed plane;

in one hand a crippled pencil, in the other my letter : it had been
stamped and glossed, <The swine is re-assigned to the infantry /
Fridericus, occupation Rex». So we bowed, with nothing but such ver-
bal sham in our mouths.
“T shill ’ve these it’ms put auut for you” (elegant dandified <ouw : “will
requaihre ’prox’mately a hahlf hauur. — But pliz, come right through
he-ahre !”. I bowed in imperceptible mockery to the doorman : nary a
ruble, my son !. “I’ll use the catalog in the meantime, Herr Doktor,
alright ?” : “Oh yiz do, pliz: pliz !”.
In the catalog room : triply muddled; before you figuhed it auut : 1 part had
been destroyed, | part stockpiled in Marburg; 1|part, the smallest, here
(The one marked in red : you first had to check constantly for that in
the bound volumes over there).
Wait ! : I could in fact inquire of the university archivist when Gute (and
Bode perhaps ?) studied here ! —
So then : 40 minutes had passed : Room 83. —— : Room 83 ?: So up another
flight. (And then another, till ’neath the roofhurrah !) (And interesting,
the name on the doors : they were working on new supplementary vol-
umes for the <Goedecke> bibliography !) :
A long room (at least 80 feet !) : Bookcases along all the walls. Divided
by cliffs; in which books and cassettes stood, sprawled, leaned, lay,
the fallen. Dusky. he took 2 officious steps : and so I went to him, in
his corner, and passed the final research eligibility test : Rothert;
Thimme; v. Meyer <Constitutional= and Administrative History of
Hanover : it was entirely adequate. (Although I answered distractedly;
because
on the other side of the desk slab, the secretary) : her giant-slender dress
and ember-red as if in a dream. The black eye kernels were stuck im-
mobile above the dotted pattern; before her hand-spiders constantly
scurried.
The mouth viper curved itself slowly (at my staring ?).
Stood; tippy-tapped a magic semicircle; bent over right beside me; just at
the waist : the leg masts bifurcated — — (until my breath rustled. I was
permitted to sit at an the empty table way over there; hidden by grill
of bookcases and sea-weedy gloom. Sometimes the green-iron door
would bang as he went out. I arranged my writing materials and waited :
up to now everything had gone almost too exemplarily. — Let’s hope
the books come soon !). —
Glowlongbrite the fairy stood beside me, the stack of old books in both
hands. I leapt up with a thump and grabbed hold too : thus we both held
 THE STONY HEART MH 69

on and gazed firmly and eagerly at one another : binding, breast, neck,
eyes, bookcase background — —
Her bright voice arose between us : “These are the items —’; we gave the
basement book another squeeze, then she pulled away. (Peered at me
now and then, however, through the book apertures. Not particularly
beneficial for my project. But then not directly harmful either ?).
First compare : 1, 2, 3, check off. The Schlichthorst, yes. Von Kobbe;
Ubbelohde (he had thrown in the Hassel on his own, in case I should
be interested in the organization and population of the Royaume de
Westphalie). Then the 3 Ringklib volumes : Ist, 2nd, 3rd edition — I
greedily balled my left hand; the right savagely massaging my pencil :
then I tore myself away, signed the receipt, and bore it to her : ! She,
emphatically indifferent : “Please put it over there on that desk : the
Herr Doktor’s.” (And so into the sun patch. Then back again into my
aquarium).
Ringklib : these here weren’t quite the same size either, in their different
editions : so it was not at all noticeable that mine was a bit wider, bon.
(Was it really the 3rd edition I’d sought for an eternity now ? : no
one else had had the same notion before me ? ! — Verify frowning=
fast : -,-, -, grumbling : all correct.)
The color of the binding ? (It would have been simply too great a coinci-
dence if mine had matched exactly ! : I hadn’t expected it to be any
other way !) : I carefully pulled out the little color-chart — triangles of
like hue — shading from red and yellow to black ——: Here ! This was
the closest ! (or was it next one up ? ! I didn’t dare walk to the window
with it : Damn ! — Until it occurred to me that they wouldn’t see it in
any better light either; and, above all, they probably didn’t know the
color by heart : so coolly this one. Softly pencil-check it at the edge.
The little spine plate with the preprinted library stamp ? — And I breathed
again even more gratified : would slip off very easily (as with most old
books) : so simply reglue tomorrow onto mine !
The golden numbers «1859» ? : Uhad in fact a dab of gold ink in my box (at
Lina’s of course; not here !). Let’s hope it’ll dye and hold sufficiently.
Otherwise I would just have to trim it from gold paper and paste it on :
I measured size and shape of these numerals, the 8 stood askew, its
head chattingly bent to the 5, above its circular shoulder. (Then the
golden strokes above the cording as well).
Over there, excited conversation : «Professor Meyer had vanished, and
had allegedly reemerged now in the Saar region ! Outrage ! (They mut-
tered some protest, and the voices grew softer in the presence of the
eavesdropper).
70 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

The stamped title page : that had to be cut out with a razor blade in both
and exchanged ! I’ll leave enough stub on my copy : tomorrow then
absolutely have to put the small tube of Elmers in my pocket. Naturally
I copied this one here with loving precision so that later I could faith-
fully reproduce it. (I ran my finger discreetly up my right jacket sleeve :
there it was, the wedge of razor-blade; clipped triangularly together
with the clamp, fitted with a thin spine of tin; on an elastic band
wrapped around them : that automatically retracts them after the job is
done !).
Now the cover again; compare the colors once more : yes, it would work !
I made notes of the wear smudges with coordinates, x and y (with the
zero placed at the lower left : I’1l have to rub them in on my copy then.
I traced the shape of the largest smudge on a piece of parchment paper :
hope I can find the matching paper to cover it at some bookbinder or
other later on ! And endpapers too !).
In fact, | should have vanished here now as quickly as possible; because
this would be a lot of work (always assuming that I would even find
the paper !). But now I had to wait pro forma until noon : «making use>
of every second with undergraduate eagerness. So I repeatedly went
through the motions of someone writing (and tried for the rest to kill
the hour with meaningful thought) :
<Concerning the Publication Dates of State Handbooks» : is a surefire topic
for an article in the Historical Magazine; and satirically significant
besides ! With these volumes, you see, for the first time the dutiful
subject of the old-style monarchy got some insight and an overall view
of the organization of his little nation. Could read this army of names;
saw how the bourgeois official had to use a totally different, inferior
title from that of the nobleman doing the same job; for the first time
had statistical information about the size and population of the prov-
inces : could, therefore, infer economic progress or slump; nor fail to
infer, for instance, the hypertrophy of the military apparatus : which he
was financing with his hard-won tax money ! — : The introduction of
State Handbooks, let us say around 1730, marked the beginning of the
education of the underling for citizenship !
And, as noted, interesting : the dates when the individual volumes then
appeared ! — At first they were published punctually : the 1841 annual
around 1 November 1840, and thus handy for the coming year. And the
48 too. The 50 appeared then on | February of the same year; the Res-
toration has started ! They had finally noticed that the rabble was get-
ting much too much material in their hands for meditative comparison,
and slowly and systematically took the child’s dangerous toy away !
 THE STONY HEART MH 71

The annual for 52 doesn’t appear until 15 February; the 54 on 1 March.

The annuals of the 60s then did not appear, intentionally delayed, till
June : till July ! : By this time a half year has gone past, and the con-
tents are almost out-of-date, say half the buyers : and so now fewer
need to be printed ! (And that’s how it was supposed to proceed. We
have this method to thank, in fact, that there is no annual for 66;
although the catastrophe did not ensue until the end of June. — Just
like nowadays, where they withhold the financial details about the
costs of rearmament from the duped citizenry : they wouldn’t under-
stand anyway, right ? !)
And thick with dust, these volumes : so today yet, collect a little can of dust
at Lina’s. And use it to powder identically tomorrow. —
He came up to me hospitably : | stood up, and we had a pertinent chat.
“Have you still got the original of the great Topographical Survey of the
Electorate of Hanover ? : The one that then later was used for the 1 to
40,000 phototype ? — —— : Really ? ! -—— Well you see : meritorious,
certainly : but there were many unpleasant — and definitely avoidable !
— errors committed in its preparation.” He raised astonished brows in
question, I just dipped into the portfolio : — here: !
Please : for example page 70, Walsrode. In the lower left the <Land-Office
Folio Index> : “If you wanted — just to get a correct general evaluation
of the map ! — to compare it to our twenty-five-thousand=to=one map,
according to this you’d need to buy 6 sheets ! ?” He nodded formally. :
“But that’s quite inaccurate : here : the correct division looks like this :
up top 3023/24; below 3123/24 : So you really only need 4 ! And could
therefore spare yourself 3-5 marks. That could be put to use for other
work !” (outraged, as scholars must be, at every gewgaw; he said noth-
ing and chewed on his hardly chewworthy lip).
“You'll leave the books out for me until tomorrow, won’t you ?” — “Yiz of
couhrse, of couhrse” (he kept on peering, his whole face full of critical
pursed lips, at the long oblong folio). —
Outside : Moi chased off before me in the free West wind.
First of all : — Or wait, here, milk for the Messers Cat : “Oh, go ahead and
give me three” and : “Oh; you have cheddar=cheese : plusuh — one of
those little bowlers of green cheese.” And sugar. (Then just next door
on the right a small loaf of finest white bread; at this stall here, 5 bars
of different sorts of chocolate).
In the stationery store : | gesticulated so shoppingly that I gradually united
the entire staff around me; they listened with concern and respect for
my wishes. — “Nnnn=o00 ! : that’s too pale !” Here, that would work as
endpaper : so 10 sheets then. 1 sheet of good wrapping paper; that ball
72 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

of twine. “This ? : Strong ? —’ I summoned all the energies of my

youth, breathed to the full — : hmm — and it didn’t break ! At one time
I’'d.....: “Could you tell me where the nearest bookbinder lives ?”
(They referred me to «theirs»; rang it up; 4 pairs of eyes watched me
go : ancestor, grandmother, mother and child).
At «their» bookbinder’s : he leaned condescendingly over his guillotine,
and had me tell him my concerns thrice into those steel spectacles (but
gazed with nods at the color triangle : that looked damned erudite.
He’d probably want to acquire one for himself too. — Wonder if there’s
something kaputt in his innards ? : he kept on nodding !).
“Here ? !” : and I shoved my lower lip out, critique and appreciation :
didn’t have a bad eye, the rascal ! — “Or here ?” (Nope; the first one
was better still. Actually, even superb ! He pedantically got the little
roll ready : “I’ll just put it in my pocket !”. To his small fee I added an
<Africaine>, which he seized with thick soft fingers. From the same
pack as before; were still some in it !). —
On line at the exchange : the air broke in strange and dangerous fashion
against my rumpsteak : (the curiosity that brings me to the GDR is less
the East’s power of attraction — which I barely know anymore really ! —
and much more the West’s power of repulsion !).
A woman : “Y’ lookin’ for East ?”, smiled, and invitingly jiggled her purse.
At first I thought, a hooker; but the sneering old man beside me ex-
plained : “Petty speculators, who live from fluctuations in the ex-
change rate : today it’s at 4.93; next week maybe 5.40 : they make
money off the difference then. — course y’ can do it ! You do a little
better in fact, without the bank taking its percent; but if the police catch
you, you’re out your money.” (So better play it safe). “What all d’ you
suppose can be pulled off ? !” he illustrated at ease, your total finan-
cially solid West Berliner : “I’ve a friend — textile industry — who sends
out a hundred thousand fat circulars, at 20 pfennig a piece; came to
20,000 West marks.” Granted. “Now he sends thetn by way of the East
zone post office : likewise for 20 pfennigs per : but East ! !” (So then —
given the current rate of 1 to 5 — about 4000 West marks ?) “Quite
right. He sticks the 16,000 mark difference quietly in his pocket : but
quite honestly writes off the 20=pfennig=postage on his taxes.”
I mean, just let somebody come along now with his «plight of Berlin» ! !
From every direction they enlightened me with a laugh : “Booze !” :
“The housewives ride over and for 18 West pfennigs buy their daily
bread in three=pound loaves” : “The East zone is being bought out : I
go over every day to feed !” And then our broadcasts perfidiously sneer
that they have economic difficulties ? : amazin’ !
 THE STONY HEART HI 73

I still had 30; so 1 changed 30 marks; received 141 for them (everybody
tossed the receipt to one side as they left; so I did too.)
The banners (in the East) : everywhere they extolled, blue-white and red-
white, their <New Course>; everywhere they publicized it (but much
too much text on the things ! Takes too long before you’ve read your
way down. Wait, here’s a drawing : in the West a gaunt German Fritz
on parched soil; in the East exuberant smile above blooming fields :
now that is really utterly childish, to think that their own people are so
naive !)
Lord, Reclam=editions ! ! : and I helped myself, Robbinquick, Speedyloot
(so, Maher Shalal Hash Bas : I'll never again get hold of another
<Candide> this cheap !).
Typewriter ribbons of perlon silk, 4 marks 50 a piece : “Two please” (For 90
West pfennigs then : would be another one of your smuggling items !
She smiled stumpy-toothed at the East-zone Duden — : ? : Nope. Not
interested ! Nowadays they spell it «meager»; when I was at school we
learned <meagre> : that sort of thing changes every 50 years. — At most
the <new definitions» announced at the front; presumably, then, <Fed-
eral Republic = corrupt splinter state of the West» or something simi-
lar; or <formalism> as despicable : “Nah. Let it be.”). (On the other
hand <Western culture» ? : one need only compare the reports of how
the English behaved in the irrecoverable museum of Kerch. Or the
jumping procession at Echternach that’s so very modern again these
days : every year they hopped about there, to the point of exhaustion, a
sort of religious St. Vitus’s dance. (So the West hasn’t got an edge.)
ComOrg = Black Market organized by the state : vicious prices and offi-
cious rotten service. And forget <abundance> : Ching chang Chinaman,
what a wretch you are. (And 2:40 P.M. now : so get back.)
The jaunty conductress : she made a couple of chitchatty gestures, right
at my stony heart. Scheduled hands; at time-tabled heart. Quince
yellow in the face, and with a desperate air of enjoyment. Signaled
several times with her eyes; made her mouth lascivious, like the <oo> in
floozy. — (But it could also be that I just imagined it : for all I care her
name can be Hintermayer, 6 kids and | husband. Or vice versa.)
The movie in Adlershof was sold out : now thank we all our God ! (Deter-
mined cavalier, with heavy heart, I had already decided to invite Lina;
now I could lend a relieved and quick grin to the stills in the display
windows : 1 girl, 5 boys and 6 tractors). Good photography, I'll grant
(although I understand nothing about that, but in the West it’s what
they always say in preparation for the follow-up <but>) : but here’s that
same grotesque propangandistic theme again ! And it was in such
74 @ ARNO SCHMIDT

company that Stefan Hermlin now worked; “Overwhelm me lan-

guage !” he had once demanded; really ought to have had a talk with
him sometime: what a shame that apparently nothing was done here for
high art, for the pioneers who pre-test new forms and resources of lan-
guage. Head shakings : <6 tractors» : you could see all 6 here, nothing
but Hennecke smiles and gigantic-ripe sheaves (all the same : in the
final analysis preferable to our slowly resurgent <military comedies».
Ah well. — Oh, I found my way back with no difficulty : in strange
cities I’m more high-strung than usual, and note every detail !).
The green dress : she stretched 2 thin branches toward the washline; her
sandyhued shock dangled from small exertion over the gorget. She
first made her door-to-door-salesman face : ! — but then relaxed again
at once : “Just look how warm the water’s got ! — Go ahead ‘nd put
your hand in !”. So I dunked the tip of my index finger critically into
the basin : indeed it was : “Just from the sun ? !”. And she nodded
contentedly.
“She has a dachsie !” she said hostilely, from under her arm and di-
rected toward Knocke her neighbor. So I rose nonchalantly to the fence :
right ! : there stood that sort of chocolate-colored barkwork on knock-
knees. (With Ramses ears; and its stinger-tail dogged ferociously).
The cat on the table : ever greedy, its head at the slit of my briefcase; until
I scowled, and she therefore said gently, just once : “Get down from
there, Hintze.” (That can drive a person downright crazy !).
“I thought — : a noodle dish” she said weakly, and pointed at the enameled
pot : “and itll do for tomorrow too —” (About 3 quarts would fill it :
and that for 2 people for 2 days ? And tomorrow evening the chauffeur
was maybe supposed to dine from it as well ! : “Is there still some fire
left) )
“It’s even got a cellar !” she said importantly, and pointed at the tiny trap-
door : right : a vertical iron ladder vanished into infinity. “Into infin-
ity ?” (mistrustful; then defensive) : “that’s a long way off !” (Nor-
mally, the leftovers went down there; she now brought the scooplet of
soft coal : “I’ve got 3 hundredweight of briquettes (and one in some
paper in her hand) : “Yes, if the allotment’s as meagre again this win-
ter” (with <re>; worried) “it’1l be real bad” she confided to infinity with
shakings of the head (and kept her chin moving for a long time).
«Welsh rabbit» ? : she roasted the slices of bread with curiosity, and I melted
the cheddar, nimbly rubbed the green cheese over it (cleverly stopping
before I bit myself with the rusty tin tooth) : stir-—-—:?-?!-—:!!-:
She sampled it first with reservations : now the taste penetrated her tongue;
she curled her slender tongue : well ? : well ? !. (Then it was included
 THE Stony HEArRT #75

in her dream menu after all; then, once

fatty fancy Hintze had given his
placet : “Can I give him a little more ?”
she begged.) — “Well we do want
to eat the stuff all up, Miz Hiibner !”.
Breathing contentedly; I mutely
thrust the the sugar sack into her arms(the milk up on the cupboard).
Mealtime conversation, just as we stood : “If you were registered, some-
one ’d soon come by and invite you to tea at the town hall : how you
liked things here; and if you weren’t against war too : and-so-on.” — :
“Oh, I could’ve gone on a trip to the Baltic with the factory — but
there’s always such a crowd : here I’ve got my peace ’nd the pretty
garden” (she looked serenely about her : stock worker in a textile fac-
tory in Zeuthen, with 4 days of vacation left).
“What is the reason really that <The Federal Republic» has so obviously
abandoned the whole East to Sovietization ?” : Dr. Adenauer (to whom
the Germans gave an absolute majority in one of their periodic=
customary — and only for the uninformed, peculiar — acts of political
self-castration) receives his directives even more loudly from Vatican
Rome than from Washington : the protestant=bright East not only holds
no interest for him as an out-and-out <Heretic Zone», but he would even
have to fear — and quite rightly so ! — for his most Christian parliamen-
tary majority if the 10 million votes of the GDR, now schooled in
proper atheism besides, sent his side of the scales flying up; casting
down the hobbyhorse throne he’s made of canons and crucifixes.
“Why of course !” : Now, however, on instructions from Pacelli, Eisenhower
& Co., the 6 aforesaid Western nations are to form a three-quarter=
Catholic block in which every opposition can be easily gagged. Hoary
politicians ? : macrobians ! : Few die and none abdicates; Churchill,
Stalin, Adenauer, the Pope : full of the impudence of old age, icy ruth-
lessness, and senile obstinacy, they ride their people ever further into
atomic disaster and drill-sergeanted servility : if the opposition is ever
given a chance to speak on state-controlled radio, you can bet that after
2 minutes there will be technical difficulties : <We apologize to our
listeners> !
Fragrances sloughed in disorder, now apples, now Maggi soup mix. (Out-
side : garish funnels, spheres, plates. On green poles; hung on green
ropes, appeared ’neath green tongues. The ancient princess dress, too
long, beat pastry curves around her legs — : until with a sudden decision
she pulled it over her head, and displayed further in her <airy dress> :
long arms; a gentle tummy ring; one and a half hickeys. Also peaches,
apples, beans, flowers. A wallnut tree. With two <l>’s.)
From <Eisendecher’s>, next door, old radio hits : “You lovely flower : of
Hawa-ii.”. A <boscop> with tough-green frogskin tumbled about
76 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

awkwardly on the ground : one of the trio from the little tree-pole, and
he stoppeth one of three : she fell upon it wailing, and examined its
cadaver cheeks; and grabbed through the diluted shadows to see if the
remaining two were still hanging firm : ? —: ? —; then she sank with her
fruited gem into the wicker chair.
(Life is stranger than fiction : it ripped my mouth open so soundlessly
wide, that Lina looked up in puzzlement : «as a result of recurrent
illness among the cast> they were broadcasting the «Merry Widow>
instead of the <Bride of Messina» : that’s a switch you’d never come up
with on your own !)
“Nah : refugees don’t get anything here” she replied dryly. (In the West at
least, everyone had received his first 150 marks to help set up house !).
And : “Oh, remind me tomorrow morning that I need to remind Karl ——”
(Wheels within wheels : she wanted a few nails : none of those here
either then. — And I definitely had to get started now : I tipped the crude
garden table up onto the pavement, and sat down all-business on the
bench beside the cottage).
“T’ye still got pictures !” (Photos from Silesia : she stood up and went into
the bungalow; the entire pattern of the slats in splendid braille on her
naked back. For me the <big scissors» : “Thanks !”).
(She darned laboriously at stockings and patched nightshirts; I merrily and
learnedly pasted and counterfeited. And so all in a steady jumble) :
Silesia, Spring 1945 : first the Germans blew up the bridge over the Olse=
Bach : with twenty-times the charge needed naturally, so that all the
houses showed cracks : “Was gramps ever scared !” (Had been 85;
aged cobbler, and gone for 10 years with a catheter in his belly; praise
no man’s good fortune before his end : her grandfather and the two of
them alone).
“The German soldiers wrecked havoc ! : sometimes y’ woulda thought the
Russians were there already !” (ripped open all the cupboard doors;
wolfed down or pocketed everything; all slept in the beds with their
boots on. Constantly running the ball of my hand over the freshly glued
cover-paper. Then pressing between 2 boards with the screw-clamps :
Pll leave those behind too !).
After the grenaded night, one fogged morning : there stood the Russian
in the yard ! Chewed on cabbage, and approached slowly, machine-
gunnily. Gramps trembling in bed upstairs. (And my face went stony
like hers. !)
(Goethe’s refugees ? ! : Ecrasez l’ Infame ! ! The way heart and bodies
stop still once every fifteen minutes : and that in hexameters ??!! The
conveyor-belt of his shitty verses : the rattlehearse rolls off full of
 THE S@DoNny HEART E77

bumped-off idylls, always in the same crude pump-pump rhythm : to

hell with him, the scoundrel ! We looked sternly past one another).
“Frau Floter, next door... .” (trying to save her husband’s leather gloves,
she had stammered some friendly=desperate words with the Russian
plunderer and patted his hands : he had «taken it wrong» and thrown her
onto the bed : she ran howling across Gerber Strasse, and was laid on
the <shezlong>, to calm her down. — And at their place too, the Russians
were constantly <searching for weapons». Then finally the Polish mili-
tia arrived in wagons.).
“Can't tell you how often one of ’em came in : threw open all the closets;
pulled off his shoes. Pulled on all our things” (Left with them : The
darling buds of May. — I carefully prefolded the wrapping paper, and
pasted the pre-typewritten address onto it, «Herr W. Eggers, Ahlden /
‘/, K. Thumann>. Measured off the twine, and tied the slipknot for
the top. Cut the corrugated cardboard to fit; one tube was already
empty).
The Poles’ «choosing houses» : whatever they liked, they took. One day the
Thomas’s Marie came over; wearing just her sweatsuit, a scarf wrapped
up top, and a little bundle in her hand . . .” (Gramps died in the night
between July 29th and 30th : “The carpenter, Lange, helped carry the
coffin”; through Gryfogoéra, as they now called it.) “The old Rass-
manns let their 15-year-old daughter Traudel — who had gone to school
with me — take it from a Russian whenever : just to have something to
ealr
(A splotch over the year of the foreword : so, now the next interested party
could come along in a hundred years, and prove that the 3rd edition of
Ringklib is merely an unchanged reprint of the 2nd. Fold and paste the
flaps in, and gum the endpaper : must all go lickety-cut, because the
stuff dries like . . .)
<Jozef Matonis> : 50 years old, small & ugly, tolerably good-natured, <req-
uisitioned> the house. The next day he invited her into the upstairs
parlor : there he had set up every single mirror in the neighborhood
along the walls, “10 or 12 of ’em”, between them climbing plants, and
sang something rhyming in itch and vitch : in the middle of the exten-
sion table the truss-maker’s torso, with trusses strewn around it : admi-
ration : kultura ! !. “Thankgod” (it’s just a turn of phrase : what did she
have to <thank> him for ? !) “I had a disgusting eye-infection and quite
a severe rash : so that sometimes the men left me in peace.” (Some-
times ! She had been 15 ! I first came around to her; then pressed her
narrow head firmly in my shallow hands; She plunged ahead, sonorous
rebuff : right : I was a man too !)
78 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

No good understanding between Russians and Poles ! : “To begin with,

they (the Poles) entered Silesia only hesitantly; at first they said it
would only temporarily be under Polish administration” (A little bird
scurried around up top and yodeled sweetly : plop, a part of its contents
appeared on the tabletop : «Quota met». We overlooked it).
<Matonis> : “Lazy, the Poles were so lazy : made y’ sick !” — He then «<req-
uisitioned> the Lachmann’s shop in the Jelengorskaja (as Hirschberger
Strasse was now called) “one day they (the Lachmanns) were standing
at our door : he with a coffee cup in his hand, she a pillow under her
arm. Totally dazed : <Your> Pole had sent us over; he’s <requisitioned>
our house”.
First, then, he opened up a sort of wildwest general=store (the trussed
torso in the display window, of course, among soaps and cleaning
ragdom); later transformed into a nourishing butcher-shop : “I never
had to go hungry.” (She had been everything at once : salesgirl; gofer;
cleaning lady; servant. Assistant butcher; mattress; governess).
(The fatal stench of Elmers came from my copy : it'll have to air all
night ! — If need be, smoke it with tobacco ? I groped for my pack
of Africaines.)
“So I moved in there too” (had understandably been afraid of being so
totally alone in the house, Gerber Strasse 7. “In the evening I’d always
go over there, barricade windows and doors, open them up again in the
morning : so that new Poles would think the house was already <requi-
sitioned> !” (The pitiful helpless tricks of a child. “Y’ see, I wanted to
<hold onto> it !” “Nah : never got ny money for my work : just room
and board.”’)
(<Life’s course», <Life’s journey» ? : there used to be elegance like that;
nowadays scrabble your way to the filthy spot where you <meet> <yourm
grenade. — Just be glad I’m setting those off in brackets, friend !).
<Blume> : was again director of the Greiff=Factory : “But he didn’t rehire
me; ‘cause I hadn’t come to clean his house that day : the day gramps
died !” The evening put together its pack of lies, a stupidly irenic hue.
While the Ringklib, in its clamp, dried, from my bench I watched the
sky’s yellow bellyskin : where the powerline pole stuck up into it; did
he ever have a Peneios !
<The Polish woman> : “kept walking back and forth in front of the house :
until I got scared, and called Matonis.” (<Aeh : Visi-toorry he had
shouted merrily : an old love from Lodz, whom he had once promised
to marry. — She slept on the floor beside the bed made up for her.
Pulled Lina’s stockings off, rolled them up slavic-deftly, and stuck
them into a carpetbag. Others may die of pure courage; Lina was not
 THE STONY HEART HI 79

afraid to live. (The evening sank into the earth. Someone had poisoned
her cat with arsenic; it had died in her sandyhued arms : that is the
mystery, that animals must suffer for what the image-of-god invents.
When I yawn my arms, 61 Cygni shrinks from its course : and well it
should !).
Conversation in the bathtub (that is, just her of course).
Slack & tough : the seaweed of her arms played slowly in the self-gener-
ated water current; gently wattled hands opened and closed; at the front
of the head an ashen-pale brown smile, covered with resting hair. My
thick head in the punctured kettle of the night : totally smashed. Life is
a provisorium. I sat distantly beside her, and we whispered a little.
(Having no kids : expression of ultimate protest against the-whole-she-
bang. “You got heart problems too ?” Yes, me too. Pounds & Pangs.
“Sure, course I'll sleep in the hallway again : on the chair.”’)
12 midnight : the thorny stars ripped furrows in white cloud-flesh; the
earth’s headwinds frightened terrified leaflets from their print-shops.
3:60 A.M. : in rosy canyons the corpse-green moon lurched from jag to
jag.
4:30 a.M. : thick above the lawn the dressed air (= ground fog); above :
ragtag salmon-red on gray & blue. I stood up restlessly; senselessly,
as only a man can; drank from the pump; awoke; disguised myself;
walked around at my feet, this moi. The sky turned rainbright, and
fresh colors on all objects.
Lina’s embroidered grace; and her hair combed back so boyishly smooth
that a lover would have to feel homosexual really. - Magma of morn-
ing news : Leipzig Dynamos vs. Stendal Locomotives : merely from
the names of the teams you can infallibly spot the difference, for East
is East and West is West. (Valerius Maximus, L.V.c.6, reports that
while observing a bullfight with all too much interest, Cipus, a Roman
citizen, grew horns on his brow : apply to soccer fans).
She was locking the garden gate now, content and excited, in her narrow
pale-gray trenchcoat. A suspension bridge of pink smoke led off from
the smokestack of the railroad repair works; 2 pale yellow spindles
of puppy dung lying atop one another; in every street a busy wind
whistled its blues; she led and pointed. Each leafiness dithered around
its little spot.
As far as the East Station : we wandered as a couple through semi-rubble.
When I offered her my arm, preoccupied, she did not accept it.
Stalin Allee : not bad ! (The former «Frankfurter. Though granted, who-
ever knows a dozen other world capitals, wouldn’t fall over back-
wards. But all the same).
80 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

Yellowish large tiles allround : “The <egg-crates> are all being torn down.”
(That was how they had first wanted to build them; in the dreariest
tenement style; she reported this, however, with a certain pride).
“Oh let’s have 4, okay ?” : Came to five sixty; and so down the Stalin
Allee with warm bratwurst : a large dog gazed bashfully at me, and
got his thick-tipped snack. (Lina, irate : “Y’ should’ve saved it for the
cats !” I wanted to buy another one at once, but the supply had just run
out: so on to the next stand : “As a going-away present”. The little
crowd was already nimbly weaving itself together, and she gave one
proper=shallow smile : “No comparison to our Silesian bratwurst i)
<We are the best Sales Brigade in the Friedrich Strasse District> : well wait
and see. Looking curiously around the tiled store; standing; waiting :
they paid no attention whatever to customers. “Pretty shabby, isn’t
it ? !” (Despite the red flag of glory and the complaint book in the
corner. So we walked out without being waited on).
No electric stoves at all (presumably to prevent an all too luxurious use of
electricity !). But you could buy radios and music-boxes for a song.
Typewriters too; I stood spellbound before the shop window : for 415
East, damn ! ! That’s — 83 West : oh to have one ! (Wonder if Karl
could hide it in his truck maybe ? Or you might have to fly back. To
Hanover. In my mind I was already trying all the letters of the delight-
ful pearl type, <The quick brown fox jumps over lazy dogs», and hit
the return hard : that would be quite the thing for a clean copy of my
Hanover Catalog ! But what if afterwards the metal turned out to be
purest tinsel ? ?)
“Sure ! Let’s have a look at the apartments !” : block E South; in associa-
tion with a display by a furniture company.
2 rooms, kitchen, bath : central heating, telephone, garbage shoot : 59
marks rent (11 marks 80 interposed : I mean, conversion turns into a
regular obsession around here !). But it was charming, I grant. (For 3
rooms, then, 79. All of them workers’ flats. Indisputably impressive.
On top the communal roof-garden).
But : if on the other hand, there are no nails or caraway, electric appliances,
food and clothing : then they ought to take care of those things first,
oughtn’t they ? ! I gladly gave the young woman in the entry the 20
pfennigs for <building blocks», and we watched with sympathy as she
pasted the stamps on the postered facade : so J too am financing the
Stalin Allee !
’wanta join me in an ice cream ?” ; with whipped cream, need you ask !
But you had to fetch it yourself, service; and so Lina went along just to
be sure : in case they demanded your ID !
 THE STONY HEART @ 81

The Sports Arena : Sphere-dome. A young man tried the closed door.
Across the way, a black superman : Stalin in person. (The entrances
to high-rises : the thin pilasters of the colonnade at the bottom didn’t fit
in at all ! Made you feel anxious just looking at them : weight without
support ! And, once her attention was called to it, she noticed the in-
congruity too, and nodded, enlightened).
Oh here : bookstores ! : | stormed to the pane : — ? — ?
And backed off smitten : 30 dark-red volumes in a row : Marxvolume 3,
Marxvolume 3, Marxvolume 3 : well may you all go to hell ! :
It’s always like that ? ! : Well, gentlemen, you’re no forest-rangers of the
intellect either ! This then is your recent Teuton literature. (Formulas
flowed through my searching mind. <to act as illuminator>; <to make
the soul’s pantomime visible»; «rhythmic counterbalance»; <foraging in
the bayous of the language»; <not a mirror : a burning-glass>; <set words
on people as you would hounds»; <facetted eyes and Leporello form>;
<break open the cornerstone of badly fired language bricks, the dross
of words»; <Short= and quick=novels, their forms the leanest and best-
trained; toreutic work, despite all errors of collimation : and nothing
whatever of that here !)
(<The Author’s Progress» : Journey through the Land of Nouns. He thrashes
a couple of beloved metaphors. Rigid with prefixes, verbs stand along
the wall of the frontier. Brief stopover in the bordello of amorous ad-
jectives. In the kingdom of Rhythm the Tyrant; where mutes communi-
cate with drums.)
But here, too, no one but : the nationalized reviewer as dependable referee;
who trills a warning on his snout if someone is too far out of bounds.
You People’s Governments make the mistake of all mistakes : you drive the
Higher Minds away ! : and when they’re so harmless ! No one buys
their inscrutable books; not a soul looks at their <experimental> pic-
tures; their “New Music> is a regular ear-sore for the masses. (Whereas
just one little, ever so paltry, bit of encouragement would bring you
such grudging credit abroad !)
But : when, for just that reason, you deny the <Intelligentsia Card> to your
intellectual avant-garde (who, as unworldy and shabby fantasts, with-
out fail earn less than 200 marks a month) : then you needn’t be
amazed at the undeniable wasteland of your culture ! For in matters of
art, there is indeed still less <going on» in the East, than even in our
likewise ridiculously skimpy West. When art could be had so cheap :
and sooner or later will prove so expensive for you all ! And just think,
how <free> they would have to regard you in the West, if you would
maintain a nice artists’ colony of 20 individuals; and went right ahead
82 M ARNO SCHMIDT

and let those who live with no echo say some unpopular little words
sometimes. But as long as you demand that every artist periodically
turn figurehead and ooze obligatory party-line putty : for just so long,
all good minds will regard you as nothing but brutal=comic ! (And the
suspicion will continue slowly to grow : that nobody can ever work
with you !)
Ohgod : diarrhea ! : 'm sure it’s from all that ice cream ! She sympatheti-
cally pointed out the facilities. Also went with me into the restaurants :
“There’s a john in the ComOrg=department-store too :” (I, abashed
and abent).
10:10 a.m. : but, without my asking, she had already directed me to the
vicinity of the library : “First a right, then a left” (then straight-ahead,
right ?). “Yes, I’ll buy another bottle of schnapps on the way home.”
She carefully drew a small pale-brown fist from her coat pocket, and
gave it to me to press for a moment. —
The State Library ? ! : And now it all depends ! I pressed the leather against
me; looked up the gray rocky wall —: and stalked inside : “Just writing
paper for my notes” (The doorman remembered me with disgust from
yesterday, and kept malevolent=checked silence. Through and up : to
room 83 !)
A great mouth chalice smiled biologically=mechanically above tap-danc-
ing finger figures (across from which, even thinner steel ones leapt in
time). After a while, this mouth died out; whiteness spread over what
remained; she was just sluicing texts now.
And so with alphabet chokers still about those talking lips. (If one were
more courageous, meaning younger, not so gray-flecked, without
diarrhea : one might perhaps have the choice between her and Ring-
klib — —-)
And so Ringklib : she presented me my stack of books from yesterday
(untouched : I saw it right off from the arrangement : from the way I
had turned certain volumes around in an intentional code. We spoke,
irremediably emotionless, like the paid voices on the radio. First sit
yourself down way over there again.)
Compare : only imperceptibly different, the shade of color ! I used the rest
of the volumes to build a small screen on my left : damn this Elmers
odor ! ——-—
(The ruler, with a steel inset, line it up : she was nose-picking over there
with her little finger, it crooked dreamily=slowly; brushed the results
away in their ball — a distant mournful auto cry; then the book silence
drizzled once more).
So I pulled the razor tip slowly=quickly along the edge : ? : still hanging on
 THE STONY HEART MH 83

lightly at the top; so a quick cut-through. Tube open : daub the outer-
most edge of this title page — — —
I vigorously set my index finger to ironing my copy. Gave it one trial flip :
goood ! (Then deftly, spot welding, my title page in the new speci-
men : — —— and stick it into the stationery folder ! !)
Behind me (I'll have to wait again now; and how I would have loved to
run !) — behind me, then, the literary remains of Helmina von Chézy in
30 cassettes : these too still unevaluated; well, had been a pretty silly
goose. Despite the Euryanthe libretto : old man Miinzner is sure to
come by once more !
So there I sat, on hot coals, Jerome in His Study; and over there the finger
drumming; toe-dancing on the tabletop (began too, brow furrowing, to
seesaw with aforementioned knees : I cannot help you. I would have
been up for Frieda.)
Lovely dark ruler by the way : 16 inches : ? : ? — (But then I decided, with
relative decency, not to take it along with me after all; no unnecessary
injury to the GDR. : Ah, there : the door !) :
Doctor Miinzner; lip licked and sniffed : “Aeh=bytheby — : I did s’m
compaehring of these-aeh land-office folyos : from yest’dy : ’ndeed
you’ ahr quite c’rrect ! — It sh’d be repohrted to the public at some point :
hm.” (Finefine : I modestly granted him my release : “Considering
you've got all the material here . .” “Hmyiz : int’resting ’ndeed.” And
get on over there; okay : gather it up and out !). — We said our snuffling
farewells to one another; and I imitated him with such deceptive colle-
giality too, Hm-yizyiz. (The redhead received just a bas-reliefed=
impotent headnod) : “Well, ’nce again : my sincehrest grat’tude !”
In the open sunshine, and straight for Charlottenburg and the post office :
run, feets, run ! —
Damn, was it crowded in here ! ! : 20 people at every window. With toil
and trouble I found a spot in the writing corner.
Wrap it; diaper in corrugated cardboard. Paste it shut. The twine carefully
around it. Then the mailing form (First I had to lend my plump=
perplexed neighbor my ballpoint). — Then get on line and wait; wait;
(at one point the whole line was reorganized to the next window, be-
cause Sir Civil Servant wanted to be relieved then and there. Cursings
ran about; through the sun dustings).
Well finally : “Express : airmail : value 500 marks !” : he looked at me as if
I had offended him personally. “To Ahlden ? ?” : “First with the air-
plane from Berlin to Hanover; then on from there : ’sindeed !”
185 miles (carefully jotting this down on his slip); another 33; he tried with
might and main to screw it into Zone 4 : I mean, like children : as if it
84 M ARNO SCHMIDT

were coming out of their own pockets ! — “It comes to | Ib 15 oz !”

(reproachfully over his spectacles. Me, icy=challenge, you’re getting
on my nerves, reverend codger ! : “Well then ? !”) He fixed a sneer and
added : package third zone 90. Value 500 : plus 15. Express 60. Air-
mail ? ——— (he pursed his pension-worthy brow : airmail —— muttering
and indexfingering; and muttering) : “Up to 2 Ibs — : one mark.”
“When does the next mail plane leave Tempelhof ?” I pursued implacably :
he kicked me in the belly with his eyes; collegial inquiry; looking col-
lectively at the wall : 1:05 p.m. ?: Yes, sweetheart, you'll have to send
an apprentice racing off to make the 2:10 plane : nothing else’ll work.
(One of them now managed to enter the sanctum sanctorum at the rear.
And hand over that diarrhea-hued paragraph, old man, c’mon, c’mon !
Do these goldbrickers think, just because they spent 12 years dressing-
down in the military, that every civilian has to stand at attention before
them now ? ! I made such a flemish face that he quailed in bewilder-
ment : ! ! : and flitted out the revolving door before he could cry
all’arme. — Squinting back from outside : he had swallowed it with
sour puss, and went on expediting, the first servant of his state. Defi-
nitely votes Christian Democrat, too : because there’s no new Nazi
Party yet, and they’re re-armin’ again anyways !. — — In Hanover
around 3 o’clock ? : so that this evening it could — the last train arrives
from Schwarmstedt 9:10 — just maybe could — —).
Ride home : forever passing Stalin’s apparatus of people-owned enter-
prises; I calmly bought another newspaper for my collection.
<As far back as the first millennium before the present era people along the
middle Volga knew of various processes for producing iron> : those
Messers Soviet are always in the lead. (Which was apparently why last
winter, then, they had rationed matches : 8 matches per person. Lina
had got only 6; maybe because she’s such a slip of a thing). Whereas in
the West nothing but pointless strikes, and bodies discovered outside
American army bases. Here <Bikathon for Peace> (sic !); all they do
there is build blasting-shafts and rape girls. (Compare Lina’s reports
from Silesia.)
‘<A Palace of Culture, that belongs to the workers ? — : they have doubted
it until now», their West German fellow-workers had; just as they had
the <faces, beaming with happiness, of our workersingers, =dancers,
=poets, and =musicians>, among whom now <irresistible creative ener-
gies have been released> : I mean that is as utterly disgusting as any-
thing from the days of Hitler’s «Strength through Joy» outings !
Do they truly think a worker could — sort of at the same time and on the
side — be an artist ? ! Goes without saying, a worker can become one :
 THE STONY HEART HP 85

but then he is simply just an artist : which in fact demands at least his
full capacity for work, my Gentlemen of the East ! — Nah : there’s no
point init here either ! (And the first raindrops were falling now on the
freight station at Schoneweide.)
Pale brown as briquette ashes : Lina Hiibner. (And pea=sausage soup :
long live Griineberg, + 1872, the Berlin cook who invented it ! The cat
at once came from its straw box in the darkened corner, but ran away
just as fast when he heard something begin to meeow and rustle there :
“Well, Hintze ? : Was the bratwurst good ?’’)
“He only got a half for now” she said proudly, and watched the daintily
dappled little back; laplaplap : “’Il get the other half this evening.”
Outside together again; but wrinkled cleaning cloths swashed and dripped
(twice; warm) : Clouds; toxic blue smudges; with an invisible green
sun, that nastily illuminated the fields behind. From Knocke’s next-
door, the radio. —
“Nah : never went hungry there” she resumed; with the sublime serenity of
one who has been a half-slave and is prepared for anything in life : “I
had even applied for Polish citizenship : my grandmother was a born
Ronkowski, and that meant maybe the possibility —”.
(2:50 p.m. : Ringklib was hovering now over Braunschweig : that was
yet another shameful lacuna in the General German Biography, that
they knew nothing about H. Ringklib ! 1843-50 in Liineburg; then
until 65 calculator at the statistical office of the Home Ministry in
Hanover : a life lived for numbers. He had not yet appeared in the
°41 State Handbook at any rate : for such matters, too, they were really
the only source ! — : Wonder if you might find descendents there
too ?!—-)
Matonis married : one day the little fellow arrived waving his arms :
“Welika, welika” (that is, <large>). Then Her :
Jusche (= Josepha) : “A head taller than he; flat feet; arms like legs; shoul-—
ders like a wardrobe : wet-nurse tits” (she spoke the gross words so
innocently, the way you thread a needle, or as if to her neighbor in the
loden-jacket stockroom) : “She always had to walk down below in the
street” (with him up on the sidewalk, so that the difference wouldn’t be
so noticeable).
The big wedding brawl : the outraged guests took their gifts right back
again, as well as whatever else was lying loose. “And every time I came
in to clean up of a morning, they were lying together in bed.” (After 10
months then, came little Stasja = Stanislaus as well. <The Musical
Rhymes and Chimes of Vogtland> proclaimed the merry=trained voice
of the announcer nextdoor).
86 M ARNO SCHMIDT

She fetched the tin can full of sucked-dry plum pits, and began with femi-
nine=ineptitude to pound them with her big old wrench — “For baking
cakes” she declared earnestly to me : “in place of almonds”. Until,
touched, I took charge of the smashing, and she gnawed out the flat
vertically striped kernels with nimble tapered fingers : “Wow, goes
fast with you” — : “Noo, don’t throw the husks away : I want those for
kindling !”
And the steady expulsion of the Germans : “\ always had my basket packed
and ready to travel too : you were allowed to take 500 Reichsmarks
along; plus 1 feather comforter; clothes, underwear, personal articles :
80 lbs in all. — : I was supposed to go once before : so I <fainted>.” This
time (it was 26 July 1947) too. — “We thought the train had already
pulled out, and Matonis poured a glass of liquor for me in celebra-
tion :” (the latest rescue of his invaluable <mainstay>) “and here came
the militia to get me : <German Swine !> : <Ducked out on the Tranns=
porrt !>” (and the steady drubbing with the club; on the pleading raised
arc of her hands !). “Then they searched me right on the spot : I mean
soo crude !” (with a finger; everywhere; and I considered whether
there was any point in showing sympathy by laying a fist to the table
till the corner buckled; but apologizing for them, she was telling now
about how once before a woman had had a pocketwatch in there, and
that since then it was just how they’d been. Torn off her bit of a bra;
“shoved up behind”; in her blouse hem they’d found her one twenty-
mark goldpiece).
There ! : They were just reporting from Poland about <spontaneous out-
bursts of German=Polish friendship on the occasion of a visit by a
mining delegation : just as primitive and brazen, this Eastern Broad-
casting !
Matonis had still wanted to help carry her wicker-basket to the truck, at
first : but just at that point other Poles arrived from the athletic field :
“What ! ? : You’re helping a Nimka ! !” — at which he had slunk off to
one side like a wet poodle : “But the Germans, standing up top, were
just the same, not one of ’em lent me a hand; not a one : «Nobody
helped us neither>.” (<Nimka> = <Nyemski> = «mute dogs» : who are
without the <slava>, the <word> !).
(Then on to Moys, <to the camp»; then to the next one, to Weissenfels:
clearing rubble and banging bricks clean. Then a former co-worker,
who had already landed in Berlin, declared she was willing to take
her in. — Then came Karl. The sky’s motley crossbeams : pound in
an upright support-post with one hand : you can stand up using that
then.)
 THE STONY HEART HW 87

Standing (by the bed of stunted little cucumber tubes; both of us, hands at
our backs). The apple tree stretched its elephant’s trunk our way.
Without looking at us : “What do you live for really ?”. The attack came
so quickly (although logically, I grant), that at first I stammered sub-
syllables — the idea ! — ah, but of course : here : “Now listen here !”
(indignant) : “What would become of the Kingdom of Hanover do you
suppose ? !” She smiled weakly and savored the joke (but soon raised
her eyebrows and fingertips to <Y’ see>.)
A neighbor on the left : Eisendecher junior. (Hailed me, with the
spit&polish apparently prescribed for visitors from the West; and
then came aboard — whereupon I, mindful of Lina, complied. First he
invited me to a game of chess, so that I might learn the preeminence of
the East; since he was Junior Champion of his Free=German=Youth
district.)
Chess : “Ah, I haven’t had a piece in my hands for 20 years now !” I lied
my nasty=prescribed apology, putting your opponent in a particularly
awkward position no matter what : a win, is worthless; a loss, and he
can no longer respect himself ! (But this time, for once, it was almost
true : in 1935 I could distinguish the <Slavic refusal from the <Meran
variant>.) I even drew white; in shammed affliction, shrugged all my
shoulders, first made a stab in the air over two other knobs — and then,
vapidly muttering, moved
B2-B4 : (with subsequent B4—BS : my special opening !) : The fellow
played like Botvinnik & Smyslov combined; but in his haste wasn’t
calibrated for the correct response; triumphantly built himself a center
like the Wartburg (constantly assisted by my bashful syllabisms of dis-
content : am an undisciplined oldster, right ? !). Worked around him
then, as per plan, to the rear, and nailed him on his Mieses=Dufresne.
(All the same, the subsequent endgame amounted only to a very lazy
draw ! — Was much too nervous besides : first on account of Ringklib.
And then Lina’s story !).
All the same : he was slightly crushed; and by way of compensation and
with a sawed-off gaze, hastily (and somewhat too earnestly) told about
local chess operations : — (and I listened, mouth parting every more
dubiously : the horror of it became clear now !)
: Here in the East, they used chess to dull the mind ! ! Despite all the spe-
cial shifts for Recovery and production competitions, all remaining
energies were systematically diverted to this most barren of artistic
dead-ends ! ! For the same reason that languages and lower mathemat-
ics are unduly cultivated in Jesuit schools : you prevent thought that
way (and at the same foster the most unfounded, inflexible conceit
88 M ARNO SCHMIDT

about your own splendid <education> ! Hell, of course that’s the reason
all the world champions are Russians ! I took an absolute loathing to
the game : ergo, a mirror on the wall and a chessboard on the table : and
now y’ got culture, right ? ! — He noticed nothing; and was starting in
now with il self-confidence and la worldview.)
When a conversation begins to get too boring or outrageous for me, I make
a point of removing my glasses : everything falls off into the distance,
including moi. I see I see. — : Were these Marxists ever naive ! He
quoted a certain Olsner, whose basic philosophical postulate was :
<There is nothing unknowable on principle; only the not yet known>;
and he looked at me expectantly : ? ! (It now became clear to me why
Schopenhauer’s name for materialism was always <bestialism>).
“Unfortunately there are «things unknowable on principle» : the universe
has at least 4 dimensions (brief astronomical=mathematical sketch)
“— : so then even the attempt at no more than «correctly viewing» the
simplest object exceeds the capabilities of the three-dimensional appa-
ratus of our senses —” (“biologically=sufficient, to be sure” I acknowl-
edged; and mocking=curious) “are you not familiar with that here ?”
“Ohbutofcourse” he lied in bewilderment; non-Euclidean geometries
apparently weren’t among the local subjects of instruction. (So then
now, the example of the fish in the sea, who fancies he can publish a
handbook of astronomy : his optical apparatus is competent for a dis-
tance of 30 murky yards at most — although of course he can <deter-
mine> that it’s bright up top by day, and that night grows paler in regu-
lar alternation : “For him, then, there are most certainly <things
unknowable>, you know, stars of the 16th magnitude, or the ring
nebula in Lyra; I wouldn’t even advise you to trust him about the
moon’s surface. And for him the chief difficulty isn’t even the funda-
mental barrier of an inadequate brain structure as with us !” He obvi-
ously needed time to dismiss so much sterile=capitalistic lunacy. —
These salon atheists ! : atheism is all well and good : but not based on
his paltry argumentation !).
Some sort of <acceleration=waltz>, and Ma Eisendecher knitted on and was
soon rocking her head; with that idiotic=contemplative smile of the
generation of 1890, when they wanted to convey that they were not left
untouched by the magic of the notes. — He was of the opinion that they
had artistic achievements in abundance, nay, in superfluity (not worth
it then).
“Free elections on reunification ? !” lasked bitterly “you can’t want them,
not in all honesty !” (used a hand to put a damper on his dudgeon) :
“Never mind : the West doesn’t want it either !” And : “Has to be
 THE STONY HEART # 89

competition; that’s all fine and dandy.” He renewed the argument : by

his account, the Socialist Unity Party had no more fervent longing than
this ! “Have you also considered, Herr Eisendecher, that in such an
election the West-German Federal Republic would run right over
everything you have built here on the Eastern pattern simply by virtue
of three times the number of votes ? : for even presuming that every-
one here would vote SUP — which would not be the case as you well
know ! —: in the West you would get no more than 4% of the votes for
the German Communist Party ! The only role left for you to play would
be that of a meaningless splinter party, forever effortlessly outvoted
and steadily melting away. Or, if you were reasonable, an uncondi-
tional union with the Socialists : and you’d have to beg pretty please
even for that much !”. He was of the opinion that the SUP would con-
quer all Western hearts easy as pie with their campaign posters (not a
thing you can do; and now the curious Senior arrived as well).
Fundamental question : «Free Elections» ? : Qu’est ce que c’est que ¢a ?
Here the delegates first came to your home and enlightened the
populace via discussions. (“What happens if you toss ’em out ?” he
burst into a peal of infectious laughter at phlegmatic comic me, and I
along with him; and bright-eyed went on with his description) : Come
4:30 a.M., the residential communities march off in closed ranks to
the polling place, feverish with the competitive zeal to be the first (and
to be named as such that evening on the radio !). One scorned poll-
ing booths; rather, one publicly raised his ballot to the wind, made
his cross, and triumphantly gave it to the watcher of the urn : <I have
nothing to hide !». (And with no envelope : there wasn’t even such a
thing !). “Of course any one is free to use the booth !” little Eisen-
decher added with a flourish. (But necessarily looks awfully suspi-
cious : in comparison with his ingenuous fellows !)
POUrsdasielection aon aoe ” : it took 3 days. You reported to the table, so
they could check your registration : “Whoever came on day one got a
vertical stroke, like this : | . On day two, a little circle: .On three a
cross : + !” (He had done this <honorarily> himself, and told it all as
frank as could be.)
“What ? ! ” — he opened his face in amazement, a la «What will this
uncircumcised one ?>. “Now listen here, friend” I said scowling : “I
mean — : dear friend ! for the sake of your cause, I’ll not spread that
story in the West ! : Isn’t it clear to you that by doing that, you’ve
divided up the pupils into Very Good, Satisfactory, and Undependable;
and from now on out only need check your list ? !” (He wanted to
interrupt in shock : no one had even thought of that here : “A purely
90 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

optical aid for quickly establishing the daily percentage of voter turn-
out !”) “But it can be done otherwise : what would have prevented
you from making the same vertical stroke on the second day as on the
first ? — : For reporting the <voter turnout» for each day ? : after all, you
could have got the result very simply from the difference in the number
of strokes : first plus second : minus first ! — And you call this whole
thing <free elections» ? !” (But giving 18-year-olds the vote was not
half-bad : that way an urgently needed element of genuineness and
idealism would find its way into our politics).
The other way round : “Do you have <free elections» in the West then ? !” I
had testily to grab onto the fence; nah; : don’t either. (Not when vast
sums, and the entire governmental bureaucracy, including the broad-
casting system is at the disposal — the habitually and egoistically
abused disposal ! — of one party, and major industries are financing it
for only all too understandable purposes. And the other party has its
rights to be sure, but no money : and there you have the one-sided,
unfair manipulation of the people, by which the path to objectivity is
intentionally blocked.) “Yes, sad to say : the 5-percent-clause is
equally an abomination of course” (and can be got around, as these
<Election Alliances» prove; if a party like the Communists speaks for
700,000 voters — for a million and a half people after all —: then it’s a
mean, irresponsible trick to gag them like that. Whatever you may
think of them otherwise !).
(Dream of my ideal «Free Election» — about like Wieland’s <Vision of a
World of Innocent Men», or «Philander from Sittewald> : At age 21 (or
perhaps 18), everyone must pass a little historical=geographical test
(which is then repeated every 5 years); and bring along the certifi-
cate, stamped by the 4 most important parties (which is then to be pre-
sented, along with your registration, on election day). At 65, your voting
rights, both to elect and be elected, die an implacable death : there is
no wisdom of old age ! ! — 4 weeks before the election, every voter
receives an officially prepared brochure : all certified parties (pre-
requisite 100,000 voters) have 3 pages of it at their disposal for
elaborating their program as they please (and to pick their competitors
to pieces). Nothing else : no delegates, conventions, posters, radio
speeches; the pastor who drops hints in the church, will immediately
receive 50 whacks on his bare butt (to be administered by the notorious
village atheist !); with just as little influence exerted by the labor
unions. — Ah well.)
“The «Cadre to Combat Inhumanity> ? : by which I take it their banners
probably proclaim combat against rearmament in the West ?” he asked
 THE STONY HEART BH 91

sanctimoniously. I paid tribute to his joke with some teeth=baring

(well, your ministers don’t usually die from natural causes either, <La
tyrannie, tempérée par I’ assassinat>).
Résumé : formation of a new German-speaking sub-state (like Switzerland,
Austria, Luxemburg at present), with its own robust semi-culture; its
own world of definitions and abbrs.; its own (laudable) strong work
ethic; and total orientation toward Moscow. “Was really quite interest-
ing, Herr Eisendecher —” I went on to console the fellow; made my face
bewildered and bemused, nodded amurmuring, and we left our sides of
the fence. —
The crumple of paper on the floor : I surreptitiously picked it up after-
wards; and into the coal bucket : I know too well what a mess a scrap
like that can make of my subconscious (or a book stood on its head;
I’ve tried it out. But she had apparently seen me do it. Then back to the
washline, wind-girded, vertically broad-gestured, so that every limby
tube stood to itself : “Karl’ll be here soon.”’)
<Yes we have no bananers» : but best regahds from Frieder” he added
“ce

meekly, your totally impartial postillon d’amour. (Broke into broad

laughter too : “Aehsuah : to keep ev’rything neat ’n tidy he eats up all
the candy layin’ round — even though he don’t cahr for it one bit !” : so
she had already told him all about the crumpled paper ! Peeved, I stuck
my nickled spade into the stiff cold mush : if I get the horrors, you’re
all gonna have to be on the lookout !).
The moon leered askance; the jet-fighter was hosing down his motorcycle
over there; splayed hands lay everywhere; a velveteen-warm wind
(dark gray one though; then black. — : “Heah : have a pull o’ heavy
watah, Waltah !”’).
Alright dochan dorroch : Drink standing (Celtic of course : “Cheers Karl ! :
Here’s to you, Miz Hiibner.” The words came flowing in on alphabet
feet, thousand-shod, in consonantal trotting; what does <Eggers> actu-
ally mean ? !).
“Zounds ascon, sycon and leucon” and “Give me ‘nother Chinzanner” the
chauffeur asked compellingly (it’s apparently his kismet that his
women dole it out to him. : “But not too much, Karl !”; he had dyed
his broad organ-bearer with alcohol, beamed sassenach and goggled at
me : eye scraps floated in red grease; he gave a fiery laugh, and plod-
ded as if across his farmyard).
The moon, fang & tusk, grubbed its way through pHievel cloudwork; there
was groping behind us as if in allotment gardens, wind or some other
smallish old woman : “Let ’ah grope !”. He warned the fellow above,
and gave the earth a <well-aimed> kick.
92 M ARNO SCHMIDT

(Lina ? : She had become all thin and stiff; in her dress tube : she ought to
be standing naked, just in rubber boots. “How *bout a little walk in the
woods ?” she suggested bright-mouthed; : “Whysuah !” Karl cheered,
and swung himself to the door planetoidally. And his gaze inquired
over his corduroy shoulder : Well; ain’t my guhl prettydamn great ? !)
All summer-householders slept at midnight : we pingponged the air with
naughty hands : without producing !
In the dustwood : soft pale-gray sand for flooring. I regarded the tepid
prints; the way they cartographed around moi there. Certain feet; on
long milk legs. (If you fell into the sand with your elbows, your hands
snapped your own head : up. I scowled; with the sky, the gray egg pate;
in gentle rivalry).
The moon made sandbanks for itself, in which it then foundered. Shoals of
thoughts; shallows. Stars crept sea-phosphors. She crouched and made
innocent dapple water.
Creative pause : Lina leaned with her back against the wall of his chest,
legs laid lightly across one another; diestrammenos; and her arms
crossed too, and looked immobile at the sky. Motoresque murmured
the chauffeur. I : did not belong here. (But where then ? ! My surface
took fright. Suddenly the moon was a chalky bowl stuck in mortar
heaps : I do not know what for).
At the garden gate : the chauffeur searched himself for his key (while we
showed each other dahlias, in cold unerotics. Listened to the hour-long
freight train trundling through the moon-milk. Black feet; had we.)
She rolled her arms together, tramping : “Hey, cold up; it’s getting
hurry —”. (Oh we knew already !).
Bring on the deckchair : and the moon’s cabbage leaf on my brow («right
by the window» she had herself commanded); twaddle sounds from
glowing mouths : they jimmied word hunks open, surged and melodied
(Lina with delicate quivering witch’s voice, like when Elisabeth
Schwarzkopf sings the whatsits from Turandot).
New theory on the Nibelung stanza : | proved that after each of the first three
half-lines, the bard must have thrummed the strings in accompaniment :
“The olde stories tellen : boom !
of mervailles straunge and hey;
of champiouns in bataille : boom !
and chilvalrye alwey.
Of joyes and of festes : boom !
of sorwes and of peyne; —
of (worthy) dedes ydoon=swichestales :
wol I to you now seyen.”
 THE STONY HEART # 93

. ? : He was so enthused, he at once fetched the tin lid :

“Atones in Burgoyne : boom !
there grew a mayde so fair,
that in alle landes : boom !
none so bel was there.
Kriemhild yclept was she : boom !
althogh for her in stryf,
full many gentil knyght
wolde one day loos his lyf.”
(“Keep it down a bit” she begged worried & exhilarated).
My hand ? : lay like wood upon wood (bark-beetles should have been whit-
tling their gangways under my skin. In all of <Shock-Headed Peter»,
what moved me most, and with almost magical force, was the last set
of illustrations : of <Flying Robert». Every time, rain and driving wind
would chase me with him across the flat land. Soon his hat was bang-
ing against the heavens : which meant they were locked, too ! : and so
as a child, I was forced by such picturings into an Indicopleustic=
closed and rainswept hall of a world.)
“As a child, | would lie in bed in the morning, gazing upwards : what it
would be like to walk on the ceiling ! It would be so nice and empty
and white=tidy. Just the lamp would stand there as a flower.” (Into
which you could look sometimes. She came to the window, all ex-
pectant; she asked off-handedly, on-handedly : “What would be your
ideal really ?” — was considerably more sober than we then. As is only
proper).
Should I? ?!-:
—: “Oh say, a square room” (15 by 15 feet, and 9 feet high; in one corner
an invisible wallpapered door; on the right 2 naked windows).
“Up at the left, me” : on a four-foot-high wooden podium (the desktop rather
close to ceiling then, which I can easily sweep with my hairy poll.
There’s room left only for my chair). “Sleep ?” : on the desktop — maybe
the thin chair cushion, pale yellow with blue flowers, under my head :
“Like yours here.” (she was in fact a bit alarmed; my curious child !).
Then State Handbooks and scribbling in the twilight. On the right a vase,
man-high, white-blue, for (with ?) dust. Not have to eat or drink any-
thing (so that moi is at peace below too).
“The key to the papered-over door must be mislaid.” (and people have
forgotten that there was ever a room there.). Silence. Not to be found
again. To see no one again. : To wither. (Quite an ideal, huh ?). The
stars, pale circlets about their necks, gawked the sky full. (<Gawk the
sky full ! : Show-offs !).
94 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

Her head tipped slowly to her breast. The moon had staked its oily claim
about me. Musing. She took a long time pursing her lips : she who asks
much, is answered much ! — —
“You’ah a downright béte in my eyes —” he cried discomfited; Embar-
rassed, she threatened him in Polish, something to the effect, “Keep a
good tongue in your head !” he turned her right breast in his hand, upon
which you could easily spot a red hyperbolic branch : “’II let the cats
scratch out theah boobs ! : But when a man wants to take a bite, they go
hahlf-crazy !” in a pique he came to the window and explained it all to
me : Well ? ! I arbitrated long, while my exhausted heart kicked harder
still in my side : of course Karl was right ! “For the male, sexuality
means much more than apparently even the most generous wife can
imagine.” — (Yes : kiss and make up !)
The moon stirred slowly in the slime. Another train rumbled past on its
eagled rack. Our language co-op split apart. (Yes : make up ! : The
slightly framed figure, flat as if cut from pallid packing paper, lay
mindlessly about him. My legs too desired weary bifurcation. On to
sleep.). (Just because of that one drop !). —
What’s going on ? ! : in the yard nextdoor the shack burst open, and a white
figure, barely bra and triangle, gasped toward the crapper : crackled
within and burbled (and had it turned cold; fine; won’t stink so much. —
Later, stalked back slowly, phantom-slim again; the plano-convex lens
of the moon examined wood simples; the tree waited slant-shouldered
behind me.) —
In my eye frames : a loaf of moon skewered among branches, far above
K6penick. You could also consider him : egg; phony pearl; il Mostro
Giallo; precocious and pockmarked. — . — Toward morning drizzle &
cold). ——
“Get-up : yup, time t’ get-up ! !”
Loca pallida lurida livida : up to our knees we ran in the straits of fog.
Wind motors : the trees. The darkling noise swirled without pause, and
rinsed empty the basin of thought. So that you were just breathing.
Geckotians. (Fenceposts sure have it good).
Jakey chill : “Aeh : fuhget the shave; Frieder *Il reco’nize y’ jist as y’ ahr.
The wash too — : Heah, drink a cuppa coffee : ’t’s already 20 t’ 4 !”. —
“*sindeed : Pll bring the peppah along day aftah t’morra — and a dildo
made of siderite.”
22 East marks were still in my wallet; I’d need a little of it yet maybe : and
so a note attached to the twenty-mark bill <Sausage : for Hintze>. (She
made spasmodic rattles in the dwarf kitchen : over the long haul, this
constant saying-goodbye would do a valkyrie in ! And still have to
 THE STONY HEART #95

<forget> the half-full Nescafé jar too — but quick, where ? — I put it in
the corner cupboard, right next to the jelly glass with the plum pits :
now that was a wretched little heap too !).
With quivering coffeed heart in the dark void : driver Karl; the Silesian
Lina; the ozone-Lina; Flying Robert, esquire. Crude driplets stop-
watching now from the roof.
With 30feet between us now : “She nevah waves” he explained with a loud
chill. (In fog corridors : water put a period at the end of every thought.
Some traffic already. Light= and shadow=mills on the wing.)
Traffic jammed even this early; night-shift most likely : so we swayed
about our centers of gravity; on the groaning tin raft that tossed us
through Berlin. Rubber maids, their whole bodies full of tears. And
about the old natural phenomenon, that the nobler forces possess fewer
funds : fortune smiles on him who whores; and so he blasphemed
doughtily ahead for a while. (Until I was forcefully struck by Ringklib,
and I no longer listened. The iron strut pulled me through the curves,
bumped me, lay in my hand again, heavy as the stony brow of someone
throwing up.)
Milk depot : \emures bustled wordlessly in their cones of light. (I was soon
alone again outside, at the driveway gate : the darkness crept slowly on
over me, at times cut adrift. The truck’s growling bear-head emerged
from its cave.)
<They’re se-helling wood in Grune-wald> : and it was all made of wood,
too, the huge barracks and barns at the checkpoint. In shabby=neat
jackets, but braid and buttons of rank around their privileged voices
(while the vehicle up front vomited parcels : into yellow-railed carts.
Encircled by wires and affiches. In the dust window of the barracks
john, once more, far at the back, the moon’s cross-section : veined
bundles and rotted splotches enough in it). (The night sky was
stretched across my brow like a black cap brim; the somber earth as
prowed chin).
Out of the night, out of the night : the black deep-sea fish came gliding with
a hum our way, slavered me first with poison light (while I spun up-
right in terror. But had second thoughts, and turned ahead to another
victim : I am Jonah for that great giant back there !).
And at last, at last, West culture again ! : the shotgun was now reading
<Heart in Revolt»; by Leni Behrendt : «Countess Britta> : “ . How
irresistible she was in such high spirits ! He could not possibly be
angry in earnest with her, not with those marvelous eyes beaming
at him like that, infatuating him...—... That the Prince (Jobst) was
not home, was, of course, immediately apparent .. .” (And that from
96 M ARNO SCHMIDT

<Pegasus Publishers», Detmold : they’ll shrink from nothing; Frieda’s

even got a meatgrinder, brandname <Jupiter> ! — The road lay long,
hopeless like a blinded snake).
Karl, with one hand at the radio : “The jungle it’s a wild:erness / and is
it ever : wild; / for in the jungle wild:erness / is where they found
that child !”. Followed by <Federal President, Professor Heuss> :
that Hindenburg voice, the kind attained only after lifelong enjoy-
ment of richest cigars (forever unattainable by our sort then. If the
Christian Democrats start praising me, or Herr Blank : then it’s time to
quit !).
Still quite early : rusty sheets of clouds piled atop one another (And cold !
The windmill raised one declamatory arm after the other. And all the
trees mimicked the same desperate gesture. I despise every human who
gladly wears a uniform).
We draggled like 2 autumns, behind glass, through the sky.
“Didn’ty’ have ’ny scruples at all doin’ it ?” (in re Ringklib; I could only
gaze at him in sympathy) : “Dearest Karl : that book — according to the
lending card — was last taken out on 14 August 1912 : And I need it
almost daily /” (Later on, at least weekly : so there ! — And by using it,
do more to stimulate research about Hanover, by simply mentioning
him, do more for his commemoration, than if those things were to
curdle away there in silence : so there ! /).
Pastures in the fog morning, entwined by the asphalt road, the ribbon of
black polished tears. — “Well now — I'd say : economically about like
us before the currency reform” (i.e. 1947). Politically=intellectually ? :
“Well now, I didn’t speak with anybody from the <upper stratum» : if
such a differentiation should actually exist. The people as a whole, in
any case, are being sunk into a rattling trance.” “On our side, too, sure!
With us its Christ and army regs.” (like the war monument in Ahlden,
by the church). “Well, in the West at least we’ ve enjoyed 10 passably
<Weimar-like> years.”
<Helmstedt = Marienborn>, and the Union Jack was in fact the older ac-
quaintance : “Shit ’n damnation : it’s gonna take at least an houah
t’day : climb out !”
Okay : «Stand up !> : | passed the command on — seconds later a senile foot
stirred below : the beast had fallen asleep ! (Out of the question : /
haven’t been able to get any sleep either ! My heart burbled in terror at
the arrowed pine shape).
Just 3 doors and all occupied ! — : “Hey, that fast huh ?”. I shook my head
in misery : “A paleface was sitting on the well”. “It’s still dahk : won’t
mattah if y’ go ovah theah ’long the edge !”.
 THE STONY HEART MH 97

Foxy ground, flat yellow, striped green. Grass, the old tore, you could root
it up with your shoe.
The borborygmus of the clouds : moi aped it not inaptly; and ever onward
into no=man’s land : it really is after all the task of the poet, as ob-
server and topographer of all possible characters and situations, to por-
tray such things as they really are; and not, as it were, the way hearts
united in the YMCA would like to imagine them ! Is a true description
of an age with all its most typical and subtle traits not at least of equal
importance as, oh let’s say, the effort to describe as precisely and com-
pletely as possible all sort of fleas, syphilitic tumors, or hagiographies ?
(these latter, after all, being unquestionably very dear to the hearts of
many respected men up to their ears in honorifics). (But people would
prefer to be lied to rather than have information about themselves !) —
“Yes, jist go right on through : wait ovah theah on th’othah side !” He
stamped his feet with exhaustion and impatience, embedded in the
house-high concrete of rainy air. (And so identity check, as per. You
weren’t allowed to show your pass : invalid in the Orient !). (And
passed. : so the State Library hadn’t had them issue a warrant for my
arrest !)
Speech at the Zone-line : me, straddle-legged between East and West;
berained hands bepocketed; on my head the basin of black cloth; the
wind puffed the unshaven cheeks. Sometimes a car pushed me aside :
pendulating the seconds, the windshield wipers steadily erased over a
pale female face.
Good advice for the GDR : 1 would very much like to help you, because
your people are so touchingly sincere about their work; because they
are so courageously godless; and against Adenauer, incubus of rearma-
ment. Ration cards, to be sure; but then they often guarantee cheap
butter, too : most folks on our side can’t afford any ! (When people in
Kastel demand <butter>, Merz mutely presents them with Blue Bonnet;
and at most bothers to ask <Luckies ?>.)
But : in anew nation everything must be new ! In the arts as well : instead
of which, you hang your galleries with the most bourgeois smearings;
your writers apparently don’t know (or aren’t permitted to know) that
a few things have happened in poesy since Gustav Freytag : in matters
of form, good Prince, of form ! !; the musicians (although enviably
camouflaged by their medium) dare little. With your silly slogan about
ormalism> you defame every pioneering achievement : instead of
sending for the valiant fellow amid exultations, supporting him : to
the greater glory of Marxism ! You ought to show the whole world
new expressionisms, dangerous=vehement, valiant=angular : so that
98 HM ARNO SCHMIDT

the great individuals, slumbering among the common folk, may catch
fire, and work their way out :
yes indeed : out of the common folk ! — But what do you do instead ? ! : You
appoint the common folk with its clumsy tongue, its swollen ear, its
peep-show eye, to be the judge of works of art : they all learned to read
& write in school, didn’t they, so they know something about literature
too, right ? ?:
That’s how you look ! !
(And as to election matters : do better on that too !). —
Then, turned toward the West, : “In anew nation..... ” (etc. exactly as
before : except instead of GDR, Federal Dictatorship : whoever uses
such brutal measures to prevent a plebiscite on rearmament, deserves
no other name ! And so you guys : drop that crucifix in your left hand,
the submachine gun in your right !)
You won’t catch me toadying for your applause, whether East or West !: «It
is not I, O Athenians, who am here to learn from you : rather you are
here to learn from me !>. (An English truck had rolled over into the
ditch, and they were busy pulling it out with a winch).
The truckers=tavern : Karl at the edge of the noisy vortex. One of them
was playing <soldier> with his shotgun; amid the enraptured racket you
could understand the commands only indistinctly : “Tin chin ! : Wry
face ! : Dubble lime : arch !”. (The big fellow made bets allround : in
the barracks he had learned how to fart <Jaa-cobb> : while doing a chin-
up on the locker door. Quite plausible : the exertion would make for a
more concentrated whistle from the orifice ! The rain continued to
murmur and sort its change.)
The blue beer-coasters : | built the Big Dipper out of them; stairs. Rows of
bull’s=eyes. Pascal’s triangles. Then constellations of my own inven-
tion (with flies as precocious inhabitants. A car driver ought to rename
the heavens : that would make Orion <The Chassis»; Cassiopeia no
longer a W, but the Mercedes=M. Thinking thus in the caravansary).
Getting in, to the airplane above : “Just don’t crash, y’ hear ! —: Ringklib’s
in there !” I explained anxiously to Karl, and he laughed unmerrily.
(And cloud-terrors : surfaces yawned high, gray, white, gray, white;
threw us into gear; the road glistened sullenly before us : “They’ ah
sayin’ it'll <cleah up» again.”)
Dozing off: moi’s muscles dwindled around stiff joints. Sultries rose from
the motor : basis fora bouncing erecticn, and it was so : Frieda’s gonna
be happy.
“Hey, it'll nevah wuhk out with Waltah», she said”. (Lina. Had cau-
tiously warned the chauffeur. Not about moi : about me ! I repaid her
 THE STONY HEART HI 99

cunningly=concerned) : “I like her a Jot — although for my taste she’s

a bit too skinny — : but so fond of animals that she dislikes people !” He
furiously confirmed this : “It’s gonna come apaht with Lina someday
ovah them cats !”. (Southwest Broadcasting beamed loyally mean-
while with all sorts of heroic noises : choric shouts; they cantataed
pertly : I mean that sort of thing is to=tally=lost on me ! This state-
supported technique for heroic bonfiring, works after 35 rehearsals;
just like in the churches : when, with regulation tunes and rhythmic
musical accompaniment, they yodel themselves guilty or shriven of
sin ! Nope : count me out ! ! He permitted me to switch it off before we
even got to Lehrte.) —
Driving in silence. Very weak, flat, bas-relief-like dreams. At first. : then
femalbumin detached itself from the yellow; with weak childfearing
fuss. —
Arrive 10:50 a.m. : “Y’ can git out heah; I’m takin’ the coach on to
Rethem. — : Tell Frieder to fix us a princely feed !”
Everything about me lollygagged and dozed. Moi crept on dusty shoes up
Neue Strasse; the briefcase swung from its hand tackle; brushed
legward dachshund-brown : what might Frieda’s <first words» be ?
(my sloppy fantasy was already coffee-grinding; word fragments and
torso attitudes; oh demon of mine, no end of it : should I stop in at the
Deutsches Haus to drink a quick java ?)
“Oh Waltah : h !” :; she stood by me, disciplined=ahrdent (on the dark
smudge of earth; soon the red mouths of fallen leaves would lie about
her; under). With increasing weariness : “Ahhhhh”. Then in the entry-
way, her confession : “Y’ can’t imagine the shock I had : when the
mailman came t’ the dooah yest’dy evenin’ !” (So the Ringklib was
safe ! Then I obligingly embraced her too; our eyes were beaming; the
macaroni steaming; upstairs; my bed; was; made).
100 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

Ii

With white-scaled arms and splattering coat 1 forced my stamping way

into the house; pushed the door closed with my shoulder; moreover :
“Get back in there !” (as a chunk of curious Frieda appeared in the
kitchen chink). I arched greater protection about my package; warned
her off more peremptorily : “Get thee to thy fridgery !”. (It had arrived
5 days before, and was still the universal darling : I had met my quota,
the map alone had brought 407 marks !).
And so once more back over my shoulder : “A Christmas package !”.
Mounted, so deftly mistrustful, the stairs, as if on the rope; she laughed
bee-busy and mirth-white, and slipped excitedly back inside. (My face
wrenched at once; I bore it all the way up : 4 months I had been here
now. 4 months and | week).
Upstairs ; (first lock up, and handkerchief over the keyhole) : with disinte-
grating clutches take the «Christmas package» apart : 20 yards of
clothesline; and strong enough, sure : I can lower my suitcase from the
window with it. Just the books inside; all the rest can be left hanging/
lying behind. They didn’t know my exact address : they can keep it.
And so lay it wrapped into the wardrobe; and fasten a taunting little note
onto it : <sealed !». — Today was the 4th. — : so I'd vanish somewhere
around the 10th. A good 2 weeks before the holiday : we’re really
under no obligation to one another ! The marriage was dissolved be-
fore I came. Karl had had his Lina long before. I had raised 800 marks
of extra income for them (quite apart from my boarding fee, which I
religiously laid in Frieda’s little cigar box on the first of every month :
and I could even make do with just that ! For appearances’ sake I was
spending 160 on the average ! I could have pulled through for two
months on that alone !).
Alright, the end ! ; 1 had my books (the annual for *52, that I couldn’t fit
in, Il stick in my coat pocket.) — (To be sure, one could have gone
to her and said : <I’m leaving tomorrow». But that was not my style;
was not the style for a collector; was the morbidly dramatic style : we
superclever types did not attach such great value to human relation-
ships !).
 THE STONY HEArT #101

(They’re all, to aman, capable of the «Great Love : the heroes, politicians,
philistines, artists; crude-forged knights as well as castrated abbots :
only we collectors are not ! (And the scholars are less susceptible too,
granted.) And was it ever cold : used my thumb to melt the hole in the
jackfrosted ice : 17° !).
Tinius : I gave long thought to Magister Tinius, the book addict, who ham-
mer in hand skulked through the desolate moors of the Fliming : if
others have the money, while he needs the books ? ! : that was indeed a
genuine dilemma ! (The vision would not leave me : how in that windy
barn, in his gray duster, he leapt through the air, from one bookcase to
the other. I dreamt about it once.)
So close up; and out; and down.
Radio music and béchamel=potatoes (warmed over, from yesterday). —
The mail : <For the Gentleman of the House», presumably lottery tick-
ets. Plus .
<Pommer Photography> in Fiirth : When all that money came in, Frieda
had also considered buying a box camera, and <dropped ’em a line> :
and it was lethally funny now to watch the sequence of printed matter
arrive piece by piece : first the catalog. Then a new order form, with
illustration of the latest model (that cost practically nothing, the pay-
ments were so small; and sure, those ten years would pass too). Then
amazed : <What’s wrong ? : Didn’t you get my letter ?> Then cheaper
ones. Then an installment plan that if you didn’t grab at it then and
there you could have no further respect for yourself. — Today it was
worry’s turn : he had ostensibly spoken with <his fathers about <our
situation>; you could see them sitting there just fretting away : What
can be the matter with the Thumanns ? ! : I mean such asinine
huckstership ! (Well, provides some more kindling paper; I crumpled it
up, and with heart of diamond, spooned the yellow sediment.)
“Karl still sleeping ?” : well, he probably hadn’t done much sleeping;
mostly fussing around upstairs. He came down now just a little after 2
o’clock : downright unusual.
Stood beside the stove and warmed his hands : “Mighty cold again, ain’t
it ?”; he hummed hawed and pondered. “Well, you’ve got yoah vaca-
tion comin’ up soon: y’ can take it anytime in Decembah.” He nodded
cursorily; and I regarded him not without goodwill : you could always
tell with him, too, when something was eating him !
“Lina’s sure freezin’ I bet” I gave it a try. Nodded too, as if sorely worried :
Well ? ! And so rock it again in deep thought; hm.
“Yeppp. She ain’t got ‘ny coal left.” he said suddenly. And so decisively
that we realized he had more to say. (In a single flash I saw before me
102 M ARNO SCHMIDT

the summerhouse; deep in snow; in Berlin it was always at least 5 de-

grees colder than here : Lina was sitting on her bed and holding Master
Hintze in her thin arms. Who purred. Come, help the poor nuts hatch in
the winter. We both automatically looked at Frieda.)
Frieda took a breath, the iron poker in her hand (another, until her figure
was quite full of air). Frieda said softly : “Then bring huh heah.” (Then
everything went very fast. We were sitting now around the table and
conferring : which room ?).
“My fathah’s old one 0’ couhse; wheah we had ouah refugee lady : almost
nothin’ in it !” Frieda declared heaving her brows : “’nd we’ve got a
anothah little stove up in the attic —: ?”. “And you'll take yoah vaca-
tion — —’. (In winter now Karl got an extra 4 days, because he had let
the other drivers take theirs in the much-sought-after summer; he
raised his finger slyly : “Besides, the drivin’s bad what with the dahk
é&1ce!):
“But she has t’ — when she goes back I mean — show some soht a
cuhtificate !” and she looked to me for help. (As psychologically inter-
esting as it would be here now, a quatre, especially during a very hard
winter : but this was the final prick I needed ! Otherwise, those were 2
mistrustful=sharp-trained eyes more !).
Reason ? : the best one is always death ! : “Do y’ have some kind-of-
aaa — — : when did your parents die, roughly ?” They looked at me in
confusion; slowly the dates emerged from their mouths (into my ears :
unhistorical folk, this !). In June, his father : nix ! His mother : end of
March. — “Say, my fathah died in Decembah !” (Frieda eagerly : Right !
Our ancient Jansen had vanished then.)
“On the second ? : Show me the death certificate !” I ordained; I, once
again Master of the Situation. (Inside the suitcase atop the wardrobe.
Inside the box. Inside the tin chest : inside the wallet : ah order, holy
and blessed.)
The usual form. Little text. I gnawed at the inside of my upper lip; I asked
the chauffeur : “The registrar; next door here : he ought to be able to
attest to the <accuracy of a copy» ?”. The neighbor ? : “Aeh, we’ah ona
fuhst-name basis” he confirmed. “Well then go over ’nd ask”; (mean-
while I swiftly went upstairs to fetch paper and india ink : “Frieda ? !”
: 2: “D’ y’ have — m — some piece or other of good black cloth ? : In
your sewing box ?”. She brought me an old dress-coat sleeve.)
“Yeah : we can bring it ovah” Karl reported out-of-breath : “He’ll be theah
all aftahnoon.” He brought me file and sandpaper, and I leapt up.
Filing at the coat-sleeve : The little heap of black powder grew. And grew.
(Well, I really only needed to write three words with it : I ground it
 THE Stony HEART # 103

ever finer; dredged it in water six times, true to Siebenkis’s recipe : ?-:
welll it should — actually — : ? - Compare with the ink and let it dry
slightly : ? : Oh yes, it’d work. — Then painfully copy it exactly; at the
date «nineteen hundred forty» dip it into the new little bowl; with this
second penholder.)
“Karl ? !” : He gazed indignantly at the faithfully=correct paper :
“Hmmpf, *nd now ?” (And so instructions : off to the civil servant
at once. Have him attest the accuracy. “And you tell him : <Careful
please : it’s still a little wet !> : Compris ? !”. He flowed away, reluctant
and despairing=uncomprehending. While Frieda regarded us both with
proud curiosity : these were <hers>, right ? !).
Quick, the sighing jakes : the brown-checkered cone of shit, frozen tipped :
the Mountain of the North ! (Horror held me in its grip : noo ! No sir,
out of here ! — The icy. wind castrated me.)
“Your father was 92 ? !” (back to Frieda, in amazement, to bridge the in-
terval) : “— was he still in perfectly fine fettle ?” (incredulous). “Aceh,
he was still quite spry” she said equably; then, more honest : “That
is — : ment’ly : a couhse not all that good. The inflation, with all its
millions ’nd billions ’d loosened a screw oah two; right up t’ the end he
stubbuhnly insisted : if he wanted to, why he could buy out all of Lange
Strasse !”
“They pulled tricks on the old folks, those fahmahs did ! : He was well into
his 70s then; and °d still go along to help as a cahpentah, if someone
was buildin’ : then the guy’d slip a ten-thousand mahk bill in his hand;
maybe even a million sometimes. And then he was fohevah tellin’ us
latah : how he <hadn’t said a wuhd>, but stuck it in his pocket quicklike,
and home : so the fahmah wouldn’t <ask foah it back» oah whatevah ! !
— He had a whole little chest full : al’ays countin’ ’em; ’nd al’ays kept
it undah his bed, with his chip-ax right next to it. — At some point, then,
it was gone : prob’ly buhned it.”
He’s just returned; outraged : “He took fohevah compahrin’ ’em ! — Okay
and no=ow ? !” (“<Distrust yoah spectacles, angelic man» ?” Karl had
piped twice over, mocking=nervous).
I laid the current document (lovely blue stamp !) near the stove. I pulled
out my pocketwatch; I said in an intentionally toneless voice : “10
minutes.” (Then my hands behind my back and wait. Exasperatingly
apparent that my thoughts were quite elsewhere. He stamped and
whimpered with curiosity).
After 10 minutes : regard it pensively. Exit in silence with it through the
door. (Ciarlatano Celionati : Both of them came promptly running up
after me !).
104 M@ ArNo SCHMIDT

I took the dry brush, 1 passed it back and forth twice : just over the date : !
In alarm they pulled back murmuring at at the longish=white gap in
the text. I turned my head around just once, and gave the chauffeur a
magic glance through my twinkling glasses : ? (But wasn’t even neces-
sary; he had already piously folded his hands and was praying in re-
morse. — And so try out <nineteen hundred fifty-foury with ink on
scratch-paper — well, a little smaller yet; there were after all four letters
and a hyphen more — okay : insert it; in the same handwriting. View it
impressively askance : that’s what makes it really fun for them ! — I
handed him the document, magnaminity and languor : do with it what
you will !).
The text of the telegram : «Grandfather passed away December 2> — ? “Aeh
nah : they transmit numbers wrong on principle” I interfered as expert :
“Thursday !” (sounds much more bourgeois=nebulous; likewise <fu-
neral> was out of the question, always be solemnly pompous, with
arch-catholic words, the phony=coy ones : <attend> school, and <came
into the world> in Podunk; so then) : “<Come immediately please, for
purposes of interment>”. “<and inhehritance dispuhsal> : that way ovah
theah they’II think that jist=mibbe the zone Il get some West cash, one
to one !” he added to the concoction; and “<Karl> !”. (PDQ. And goes
without saying, résponse payée; that way we'll know by tonight yet
whether she can get away. “I’ve got t’ go into town again later on any-
way” : me.)
(Cause it’s get out now / ! : tomorrow afternoon Karl’ll drive off : that’s 2
eyes less again ! Put it to her nice ’nd proper 3, 4 times beforehand :
you’re less concerned after that. And Frieda’s subsequent sleep’ll be
even more dormousey than usual. Karl had grown so genial with un-
leashed delight, that we watched him with a smile, and all parties lent a
hand.)
First, out with the rubbish ! : | had never been in this room till now, and
gave a quick appraisal : the passably large bright window to the street;
the walls still tolerably painted : only here in the north corner a little
damp. We towered the old baskets (beehives !) and boxes. The broad
heap of winter apples ? : “Into the attic” Frieda decreed, strangely (but
understandably) buoyant. (On the one hand, it was a shame that I had
to leave ! But when all was said and done, had I come to reap State
Handbooks or not ? ! | circumflexed my brows and reached deeper into
the protesting wickerments).
Empty : we gazed pantingly at the walls : pretty parlor, ain’t it ? ! (Above
all, get that stove in, so that she sits cozily, cricket on the hearth ! He
was already cutting a whole crateful of kindling downstairs : “To get
 THE STONY HEART HB 105

that fiah goin’ Soa ”; I honed my large pocketknife at the same time : for
cutting the line later, just above the suitcase handle; the sparks skidded
inchly. I don’t want to stay so long that Frieda starts using <dimwit> !).
Table & Chair ? : Fine ‘nd dandy. But what sort of bed ? (He got slower
still. Looked about in embarrassment).
“Go ahead ’nd take the two in the bedroom apaht,” an unflinching Frieda
reminded him : the double-marital-bed ! Shivers ran through us. (Only
briefly. The saw was still dangling in his hand, I was fetching sand-
paper with sham innocence. And at first he pulled the toothy blade
across the veneer lathing only with hesitation).
Then quicker : he gained strength and purity of cut. We pulled the steel
tape from its capsule : “— Nah : I'd put it — : along the gabled wall !”.
“Aeh, thataway.” he said between musing teeth : “the little table —. — :
Suah ! : And the wahdrobe beside the dooah : ’gainst the wall !”. We
measured and shoved.
Oiling the window hinges : you could barely close it again : “That one’s
swollen even wuhse ! It’d be bettah t’ plane it down !” (By way of
precaution, while we were at it I oiled my own upstairs, to the point of
no noise. Only the right casement opened with no trouble : enough for
my little suitcase !).
He came, a circle of cloth in his hands : “We still had our fuhst Volksradio
up theah” he explained to Frieda, “up in the attic.” Northwest German
Radio came in quite clear; as did Copenhagen and Daventry; he ad-
justed the back-coupling a bit : ?
<40=hour=week> ? : Noo ! The rural population isn’t ready : they would
just sit in the church 8 more hours. “They’d be better off to require
school to age 16, and let the 48 hours alone”. (During the war, the
farmers were constantly getting <harvest leave», and packages of bacon
from home. The grocer was instantly promoted to assistant pay ser-
geant, and the pet of all the top brass. The guy who didn’t have any-
thing just ended up the butt of everybody else ! — Karl wanted to pay
the barber another visit, haircut. So I was off to the post office; in the
winter dusk).
The glassy turbines of the wind hacked me to pieces : first I lost this ear,
then my nose; my face vanished between me and my body; my finger-
sticks clattered more weakly and turned blue; below, the hem of my
coat kept aping the latest turn of the screw : “They’ll send it out right
away.” (He spared himself any answer; just reached for the receiver,
all business).
Pressed against the wall with musings : gray sky as jagged cowl. (Finger
all the plump damsels with my eyes : to keep us from staring in horror
106 M@ ArRNo SCHMIDT

of the
into wrinkled yellow masks. I took the return path by way
its bank.)
chateau, across the bridge. The moat was frozen firmly to
of thorn
What was once a hedge, menaced with concertina wire. Rings
peered. The moon maw crept and puled across the meadows : God’s
position is vacant at the moment; open for applications. Moi stood pre-
sumably; and plodded.
Where all footprints ended : at the gray Not. Sans wind, sans all. The white
plane imperiously froze right through me; cold fingers played with my
plait of flesh. Trees are driest at new moon : when they must be felled !
A light at the rear : «Martin’s lamp was glimm’ ring still / inside his cottage
rude and old». I walked through bundled brushwood (will revive, it is
alleged, come May). (Then the apparition of a farm wagon, on which
iron stuff jingled; the farmer strode beside it, trouser-legs flapping; on
the right, the mare appled as it walked : with my hair in a fake tousle, I
shall stalk downstairs at 4:15 A.M., my coat around me, with apparently
only my pyjama legs below, as if to the jakes : in case she’s awake and
looks out !).
The rusty buckle of the moon on the beret. The back of the man in front of
me kept on moving. (At one point, out of curiosity I crouched lower :
there he was between thick posts in the sky).
Inconspicuously test as I go down : which stairs creak most pitifully. (The
fourth from the top; the sixth and seventh : which means making a very
wide, careful step here !)
“The stove’s draft is wuh=kin’ ” Karl bellowed to us merrily, of which she
made note with nary a flinch. I sharpened a couple of pencils with
sandpaper, with scientific precision (passes some more time too ! —
“Ah !: Even if she doesn’t get it until 8 — or 9 ! — tomorrow morning,
and if she answers right away : we'll have it long before you have to
leave !” I soothed him.
Upstairs early; Frieda in her halved marital bed. Karl wanted to sleep in his
new bed already : cosy & touched, we regarded it from the door; the
nightstand lamp — : “Just remembah that lightbulb t morrow ! Foah the
ceilin’ lamp !” Gazing at the furniture collection, he came up with the
novella : question for the household-hints lady : <How do you remove
semen stains from upholstery ? Please answer right away; Mommy’s
due home on Wednesday !>).
Behind the windowpane, quite high up : the icy canoe of the moon. The
little bow glided mechanically through the little cloud waves. He’s
leaving tomorrow noon : and so, the subsequent night ! Licking my
mouth’s right corner. Undress only halfway (practice now). Tomor-
row evening covertly take the alarm clock up with me. (Another 2
 THE STONY HEART MH 107

briquettes in the stove; otherwise was too cold in here, below the roof.
Poor Lina.)
(Dream of Australia and kangaroos : spare orange-grass, to the middle of
my thigh; a crenellated sky built of red and black. My rifle barrel
behind my ear, I stalked many a pace. And then those kangaroos : they
were rare, but sat up prettily on their hindlegs. Stood in tight woolen
clothes; vaulted such leaps that you wanted to join right in. (Simply
by taking aim, I dropped the savage who strode toward me, allusively
brandishing shield and spear above his head). (Then ever onward, as
far as the Great Wall that separated me from Queensland).
Awoke : right : the moon still looked like a piece of peanut shell ! (She was
having her period at the moment; or might she be able to come to me
again by tomorrow night ? Ought to be able to slip her something that
would be guaranteed to make her sleep; something harmless of course.
But, as mentioned : after 3 embraces she snoozed like a top !).
Bell tollings ? ! : and for an insufferably long time. The clapper kept flail-
ing away at the same nerve, expulsion, boom, from sleep’s paradise :
someone lacking hammer anvil and stirrup must have invented that
instrument ! (The honey-fungus sun wobbled about up in the fog.)
Gray skin, white hair : Mother Earth. (“Nice to meet y’ : Eggers !”). And
my last morning here : should I have a spat with her maybe, to make
things easier for us ? — (But that was even too shabby a ruse for me;
come what may.)
Karl was blustering back and forth with coal buckets again : “Heah, take a
look !” The telegram : <We arrive Monday, Lina». Plural ? “Suah,
she’s bringin’ that bobcat with huh” he said in a sulk. Right : Master
Hintze. “What time did you get up this mornin’ ?”. He beamed about
him : “At 6 !”. (Amor, amor, ’tis a heav’n-sent power.)
From beneath her smoldering eyes came shouts and barks : “Too good foah
my own good ! — Men, y’ could slap ’em up oneside ’nd wuhship ’em
down th’ othah, even the best of ’em !”. What had I perpetrated so early
this morning ? ! I gave the scolding female an odd look indeed, so that
she held her runaway tongue in embarrassment : I have no regard what-
ever for that sort of gratuitous bawling ! (Well, it could be endured for
another few hours. So I said very calmly : “Good morning.” She mut-
tered into the stove burners : “Mohnin’. Waltah.”)
“Don’t I smell — : hf hf : — coal gas ? !”. “Nope. Ain’t coal gas y’ smell !”
she said with spiteful emphasis, and Karl bleated proudly. (Oh, so
that’s why ! But she oughtn’t take that out on me ! In the transitional
phase she evidently kept getting people, ideas and tones-of-voice
mixed up. To bridge the awkwardness, I turned on the morning news :
108 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

the East Zone was likewise beginning to prepare for rearmament;

Rhine Broadcasting flew into a rage because those fellow over there
had sent out induction orders, drafting men into barracks of the Volks
police. And we men nodded peevishly to one another : we'd been
predicting it for a long time now : ultimately they’d have no other
choice !).
For fatty=fancy Hintze : 1 located a large shallow tin lid, and shoved it
under the wardrobe in Lina’s room. And went over to the cabinet-
maker nextdoor for a big sack of sawdust : so ! He watched jealously
as I expertly fitted out the kitty toilet : “Now I coulda thought o’ that
too !”. “You can provide a bottle of milk” I consoled him, “or wait,
noo : it’d just turn sour. /’/] get one tomorrow morning” (the hypocrite)
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Driver, drive on !” ; there he stood, Public Service and Transport, spread
out bulky and brooding, before the opened wardrobe : what else might
go in it ? (He had already expropriated 6 hangers; | trouser stretcher
among them; I courteously explained to him that they had to be
notched for skirts, and that a cloth-covered one wouldn’t do any harm
either : “And maybe, you know, a picture on the wall : not, how-
ever, your ancestor upstairs, with the bicycle !”. He grinned briefly;
nodded again with worry, and haltingly departed, scratching cheeks : a
picture —. Well at least this way I wouldn’t have to listen any longer to
the chronicles of his pollutions west of Greenwich; O’ Nan : sounds
downright Celtic, don’t it ? !).
“And ? ! What’s with the lightbulb ? !” : now he had the upper hand; I had
indeed forgotten it. There was nothing but a 2Ser in reserve : “Hope-
less, zero candlepowah !”. Right he was; have to put on a respectable
show for the West. I volunteered to fetch it yet again; *xcept today, on
Sunday —: ? “Aeh, y’ can get one at Stettah’s : round back; he’s not so
bad.” (Me, in passing then to Frieda the cook : “Be back in half ’n hour” :
‘“Aeh could y’ bring along some cream cheese too ?” she asked).
2 crooked bushes, the soundless sun between : we stared dully at each
other, nothing but black=white=pink; up front my nose steamed busily.
(And first of all to the train station : buy my ticket now for tomorrow.
Most likely won’t be enough time).
Firehouse; cemetery; sawmill :; | walked along the new boards, sniffing.
Wood has always interested me, extravagantly so : I would have liked
to have become a carpenter (not the white-collar proletarian my par-
ents had decided I'd be : that way I could have built my own cabinet for
my catalog, with all the frills ! But now all you could do was just skid
glumly on past.)
 THE STONY HEART # 109

“One for Hanover, third class : — Yes, add the premium please.” (That way
it was valid for four days, if need be; with yellow sky, white earth).
Then the 75-watt bulb : “Many thanks.” And at Wildung’s, with his proper
white spitz, the cream cheese. As we walked around «the back way»
through the storeroom, among Dreft pillars and all these elfin names
ending in <ana> and <ella>, I noticed the empty crate : “Could I have that
perhaps ? I’d gladly pay you for it ! — (<Gladly> not at all, but it’s what
one says. He gave it to me for free, recalling I suppose my consump-
tion of milk and coffee extracts; did his own dissembling : “Aeh, ’m
happy : jist t’ git ridda of that ol’ rubbish !” We laughed at each other’s
expense, and nodded fantastically : Haha !).
My how splendid, this thing ! : Nice & sturdy with bandelet and planed lid;
not like those crude Ajax=crates ! <Schmidt Brothers» Maindernheim;
and <Bavarian Block Maltose>; a marching bear cub resolutely flour-
ishing his immoderately long pennant (that even had a tassel attached
at the top. No one was watching me; maybe I can take that along too).
Frieda, bad case of chef's nerves, wouldn’t tolerate my hand in her rear
now : “Puhsue thine own ways, please — : But stay in the kitchen !” she
shouted contritely after me. (Nothing wrapped round her now : maybe
we could this evening after all ! She dabbed 1 kiss on my chin as she
raced past. In Lina’s room the stove was grumbling; the drops splatted
on the window sills. For a while moi went its way under-and-about me;
added more coal; memoed my take-alongs on a slip of paper. This
evening there’d be warm potato salad with fried mackerel : fine. Le.,
for us; not for the fish. — : “Wal-tah : ma-hail !”’).
Ah from Hamburg, the pamphlet <26 Homes» : “He’s sent me the latest
edition of his brochure !” (In order to provide documented evidence of
my oft-quoted architectural friend, I had amused myself by ordering
this item prepaid, with the request <to mail the enclosed letter with it :
a joke.»; I now allowed Frieda to open it on her own, while I paged
away <with interest» elsewhere. «Dear Waltah> she read aloud, and be-
low <Yoahs, Philipp» : was the author, Philipp Baumann. Yes indeed.
(Now we had it black on white.) “Oh say, that is pretty !” : Model 24,
of course, but she had to return to her rebellious pots : “We’ll have a
look at it this afternoon, okay !” (Can do; that way more time’ll pass.)
Then another letter from Gottingen : Look at that ! Just as ’'d guessed. My
hands mechanically chewed the envelope into a ball —: -:
And so Guthe and Bode had in fact studied together in Gottingen from
1845-48 : thus the friendship in the dedication. And his father had
been Privy Councillor Justus Bode, the well-known reader to His Maj-
esty; even before Lex; and the second man after Kohlrausch on the
110 BM ARNo SCHMIDT

board of secondary schools. Member of the cabinet besides ? : it had

in fact been one of Hanover’s important families ! Lookathat, looka-
that. — — (Wonder if I shouldn’t first go to Rotenburg : wonder if they
might have something about Bode in the city archives ? It’s always
ticklish by mail; when the archive director is lazy or in a bad mood,
there you sit. — But then I already had my ticket. — : Nah, I had to
leave.)
St. Andreasberg, too, 1 could make inquiries there now : but use my Saar
address on the SASE; I'd get there long before it did).
To Karl, as he was leaving : “Make sure that she shows the telegram to the
neighbors. —: ?: Ah go on! : she’s got nothing worth stealing there !
At most, pack all the electrical appliances in the subterranean locker.
And nail the baseboard tight over it.” He just tossed his head : that went
without sayin’. “’sindeed : I'll light the fire myself tomorrow morn-
ing !” I promised with reprobate resolution.
Frieda, not to be distracted from baking her cheesecake; and the curtains
had still to be ironed for Lina’s room; so I went alone for my farewell
walk (tried out the stair guidelines as I came down them : ? : yes;
worked. )
White dusk : the flat house facades were about you. Car tracks petrified by
frost. Those of farm wagons too : white long glaze, tan grid pattern
over that; a gentlegreen horse-apple decoration next to it, one side
sugared over with frost.
The snow-covered dwarf palm trees of kale at the front of the chateau; in
the disgusting gardens of the civil servants : quite near and slovenly
askew hung the attached moon.
Creeping through barbwire fence; on the empty side of the Old Leine : it
was frozen solid, and swarmed merrily with runners and skaters.
Young boys, padded to squatness, took a long run between their short
dangling arms : then the little pied-woolen figures, blissfully stiffened,
skidded a patch into the air of dusk. Even the pearl of the drugstore
was skating in her frilly apron, a lass on each hand. You had to like the
little fellow with the red pompom cap : he toppled every five steps,
scrambled up again, and laughed with winter delight even at me ! You
ought to give him 50 pfennigs; for a hunk of warm bratwurst they were
selling over there from a white ice-cart : so I gave it to him <in fare-
well>. (And with his little patchwork body he measured his way across
like a Tibetan penitent : fell down, scuttled as far as his nose print, fell
again : as the princess had seen it in her day too.)
“Aah, Doctor Hoppenstedt !” : he too had spent his 30 Sunday minutes
<wrestling> with God this morning (free-style; 10 rounds of 3 minutes
 ie Swonor JeheAwam 1} iil

each), and came my way on pointy expiated soles. Quoted Virgil’s

Georgics; I, Brockes’ <Country Life in Ritzebiittel; forever in the
gray-limed world (from the tin bucket : there it stood up there, atilt; his
god was painting at the rear with glimmering gases). I soon walked
away however; he wanted to take a further look at it. (The bratwurst-
beast had just turned his radio on again : brass music jagged for the
sabbath; and right behind it a downpour of scandalmongering hands :
<Ojimmyjimmy, Ojimmyjimmy : love me !>). —
One last time a hundred yards behind the house : there you can almost
imagine you are alone. (Or further still; I am incapable of coming to a
sudden halt : the Titanic moved straight ahead for another 5 minutes,
despite the engines’ having been turned off).
Only 2 heavenly bodies, moon and Jupiter : Would suffice. (Gaze at them
from the window of the <Empty Room>. One cracked moldy face at the
other.) Then back again.
“Bringmeabucketawa — tah ? !” :; voice from on high.
The water shrilled in its tin bucket, and with disparaging mouth I regarded
the filling procedure. Then carry it up; and | kiss, and a frivolous
snatch at the breasts. She let it stay somewhat longer in my fingers
now. Then I climbed further up the stairs, to «my place».
Was she still fussing around down there ? ! ;:Yes.— So then quickly tag the
Christmas presents. — For Lina I had managed, after much trouble, to
get hold of an ordnance map from the Central Cartographic Office,
4958, her beloved Greiffenberg. Plus a simple <Shock-Headed Peter»
(on account of <Flying Robert» : <A memento». “You see !” she would
say : “Who was right after all ?”). — For Karl the wonderful road atlas
of Ireland, 2 miles 1 inch (i.e., scale of 1 : 130,000) : so that once again
his mind can drive along the old Gaelic roads. — For Frieda I had noth-
ing; strange. (Or then again not. Ah well.)
I mean, this <«Christ-child> who brings the presents :when I think back on
it, we (my sister and I) had pictured him as a flitting Agathodaemon;
sexless=effeminate; smaller than average, veiled in white from foot to
pate. (Of obscure face. In the hallway, running, without; outside at the
window with his familiar stylish starched pinions; transformed version
of the veils presumably). But nothing to do with <Jesus> ! ! We had
never even thought of the vaguest connection ! — Wonder if it struck
others that way ?
“Y’ wanta help make cookies ? — And hang the cuhtains up theah ? — Aeh
’nd we wanted to have a look at yoah book too !”. So first I let her
knead the dough (while I was allowed to read, in Brehm, volume | :
how way back then the creation must have proceeded in rather messy
112 HM ARNO SCHMIDT

fashion really). Then I was allowed to stamp out circles with a sharp-
edged wineglass; cut triangles with the knife : she conveyored the
shapes up, and onto the greased cookie sheet; and was now standing
beside me again, noodling the leftover ribbons together. Okay, da
capo.
Snap : Snap : she compared the setting once more with the cookbook. —
Then stoutly : “Y’ comin’ up ? T’ help ?”
“Aeh theah’s still no light in heah ! : Wal-tah ?” — so I wearily fetched
the GE package. “You’ah tall; screw it in” (her; already with thumb-
tacks between her lips, and bayadere coils over her arm) : I raised my
hand and screwed the bulb in just above my head. To the switch at the
door: ? : worked. Fine. (And yet : something wasn’t right here; I know
myself only too well ! — Well, what’s the diff; I'd be gone tomorrow).
The black skillet of the night : | egg frying in it. Pale yellow yolk, wobbly
cloud white. Wind hissed greasily : moon of lady-cooks. (Then let
down the black-out shades. Hold the sheers. When the wood was too
hard, J was allowed to press the tacks in. Her up on the chair, me tall;
Both unaccustomed shadows across the face. I turned once again in
vexation to the light : !).
There : the jolt!: 2!!!
And thoughts racing (As camouflage, look at how my pocketwatch was
doing : 9:20 p.m. : Damn, something was not right here ! !).
I sauntered back again to the wardrobe; laid my hand as if detached on
top of it : took it away again with broad sweep : yes indeed ! : in this
room I could comfortably set the palm of my hand against the ceiling;
without having to stand even slightly on my toes ! (Above us was my
room : the floor there lay no lower than in the neighboring attic cham-
bers. I went quickly out the door, and over into the sawed-off marital
bed-chamber : Frieda’s bed stood nervous and squeamish away from
the wall : here I had to get up on furthest tiptoe, and even then could
barely touch the ceiling with my nails ! !).
Waitwaitwaitwaitwait / : calm and cold now, good Eggers ! If only she had
to go downstairs for something .. . . : “Heyfrieda ? : don’t want your
cookies to burn ?”. Dismayed, she let herself be lifted from the chair,
and trotted downstairs.
(Now knock along it : !—: ! : it was unmistakably hollow, and with the ring
of wood. All the other ceilings had crossbeams too : this one did not ! —
She had come back already; so with a gallant smile I passed her by,
heading downstairs : to think without her watching. The face goes
through too much crap otherwise !).
(And her father had lived in there, the patriarch ! — the patri. — arch —.)
 Tens Sworn, leleAimim | Ins

“Sayfrieda : — What ’d you say your father did for a living ?” “Oh, trained
as a cahpentah I guess.” I see I see. The chestnut leaves of her hands
knotted softly at the red-silken ornamental borders. Satisfied : “I
see. —””. (And tenderly : “C’mon now.”). (And let her black hair-ends
thrash me as we went down).
The second-hand store of night : maybe there was nothing but that mon-
key-box with its old trillion-mark bills ! I fell back and moaned with
indecisive dismay : and now this ! — Or then again nix ! ! (<Harseim &
Schliiter, right ? !). —
(Maybe family papers though too ! ?: Jansen’s personal copy or the like ! :
If he was so crazy about Hanover, then ultimately he must have learned
to appreciate their value. The wind chastised my frontside. The eye of
night rolled in cyclopian amusement : what should I do ? !).
I'll have to try to convince her to open it up today yet ! ! — And so back to
the house and back to work. (The sheet was already lying over the
couch in the hot kitchen).
The Yellow Rose of Kotexas : she was girded with one thin, smooth, ring
tilted against the ecliptic (exactly as per Huygen’s definition; and
‘twas ribbed in pink besides. Then not ? But she beamed eagerly :
“Nope : we can ! It’s jist ovah !” — And soon my belly was naked too :
so get that job done first. The white giant claw of her opened body; I
didn’t feel like it, but moi did.)
Cozy : “Put some moah coal on, Waltah’”. She stretched happily; only the
stove’s blaze illumined her wide ravines ! moi pokered naked in the
fiery hole, crooked, with large eyes.
“Say Frieda : —” : she went “Mm”, still comfy-tame, in transition.
“Have you ever actually noticed it, Frieda ?” : she hearkened; clutched to
me; a little hastier; a little tenser : “Mmmyeah — : — He didn’t leave ‘ny
cash at all behind” she muttered between lips and teeth : “Jist a
hunduht mahks oah so. My brother al’ays said . . .” (Who had fallen
in war unmarried. If not childless). She got up, stood with her back to
the stove : her favorite position. Pondering, and pulled her lips all the
way between her teeth. Suddenly : “Let’s open it up, what d’y” say ae
(So first, pro forma, parry, then yield) : “That'd be unfair, Frieda :
shouldn’t we wait till Karl gets back ?”. Had also stood up in admon-
ishment, and walked over to her : ? She ruefully laid her heavy arms
around my neck : “You’ah soo much bettah than me, Waltah !” (Damn :
hornswoggled again ! And modestly deny it : if only you knew, my
child ! —).
Now she said expectantly : “My moi has such an appetite foah yoahs.”
Went off with me; already her unkempt pubic hair was scruftying
114 M ARNO SCHMIDT

against me (and I worked more furiously : in this whisk of straw. Till

she trembled and begged for quarter). I washed with lightning speed.
“Put some moah on it : foah fuhst thing in the mohnin’. —: We’ll sleep
up in yoah room.” (So get up there and get those tags off the presents !
And add more coal : idiot me ! If only I had just consented ! !)
Then back down again : | found her in Lina’s parlor; gawking at the ceil-
ing. Had to produce the wooden echo for her; she gave a critical nod;
then we also noticed the fine joints separating the boards at two points :
the far ends gave !
In bed : she used me to prepare herself a soft couch; and fell placidly
asleep. — —
(Morning rolling ? : That was my train ! ! — Well, if need be the following
night then. Or if worst came to worst, in 3 weeks : shit ! Her body
squeaked and murmured in sleep. Icy gray cold oozed through the roof;
shiver and curse).
(Moon in a yellow cloud dot. In the east dark red was smearing over lead
now; so very still.)
The alarm clock ! ! : “Aeh ! — : Covah my eahs !”. But we awoke all the
same and had an urge for cocoa. “Y’ gotta wash in the mohnin’ any-
how, y’ know” she nonchalantly recalled, and pitched in with spunk.
Bluff & blunt, as children of hell are wont.
“Serve her something that'll stick to her ribs : quite simple, but lots of
meat !”” So we agreed on mashed potatoes, salisbury steak; and green
peas. “And an egg on top for each : ’ll open this jar of plums here.”
(During the peeling, precocious psychologisms : whether Karl would
arrive early or late today ? “Well, he’ll probably drive faster today” I
forecast; she was of the opinion that he’d drive more cautiously with
such precious freight. And then finally the long-awaited question :
“What d’y’ think I ought to weah, huh ?”).
Before her wardrobe : she was determined to pick her most pompous dress !
Black, openwork at the bodice, with the sadly sweet allure of a black
gossamer jabot. “Frieda, my dearest !” After tedious debate (during
which I was at great pains not to lose my patience : if only I had de-
parted this morning !) at last the compromise : the gray-green one,
<with the two mother-of-pearl buttons» (were also as big as saucers,
could easily be baptized as such. “That’s not true !” she said with pas-
sion. While changing, it almost happened again; but the potatoes were
just starting to boil, and she tugged herself away with an effort; hot
hankerings : “Aeh this damn housewuhk !”).
9:30 A.M. : we were in fact ready. Upstairs fire boomed in its robust stove.
Bathwater getting there. The meal needed only middling attention now.
 THE STONY HEART #115

So kill time : with urge to build, we examined the <26 Homes» from AI-
mighty Publishing; she had barely just learned to read floorplans after
a fashion, and already she had such expert things to say. I liked the
simple plan of 9 the best : just a homestead; she, as noted, the elabo-
rate=nookified Number 24. First each argued against that of the other;
then praised his own; then, in reconciliation, that of the other (finally
we gave them names for future debates : mine was <The Little Simplex»;
hers <The Moor Chalet». “Y’ oughta be able to see it from the othah
side” pleasantly-plump discontent complained. Whereupon, discussion
of the maxim <To live is to discover», and its inapplicability to the
present case : “Heah, this’s the side I'd like to see it from !” she sulked).
“So : I’m going for a walk !” But she was all excited, and gave her pelvis
several strokes. “No : we’ll not tell them until after we’ve eaten : I’d
even let ’em take a nap first !”
The snowshower : everything in motion outside. The crooked passersby,
smoked white. I took renewed pleasure in the lovely giant key above
Kucker’s locksmith shop : quarter after ten.
And I almost missed them then ! : I hadn’t even made my first round past
Gellermann’s and back, when here came the rumbling black bow
breaking through the snow. (So who had been right, huh ? !)
“First the carton : oh careful !” there I stood withthe mottled Oxydol box,
in which — aha ! — something rustled weakly. Only then did she jump
out, staggered a little and took hold of my sleeve. Laughed wearily too.
In a pitiful ragtag of a winter coat. Karl’s haunches, to uninitiated eyes
an honest set, were still holding to the running board; he gave instruc-
tions and negotiated. Then 2 more boxes; I had to give mine back to its
worried mistress, and took charge of her luggage in its place.
So there we stood cheerfully and looked about us : when guests come, the
whole town looks new ! But Lina urged : “Quick.”; gave a sort of a
wince too; and he explained uneasily : “She’s got a tummyache.” (Two
such desperate meows occurred underway that people turned around to
look at us out of curiosity : “He lamented like that the whole trip” she,
upset; and Karl gave an angry nod. “Nah: the little one’s got a job in
Burg. — Yah, right, at my cousin’s : he’ll have it good there too.”’)
Opening ofthe door; welter in the entrydusk : in the kitchen the two rarities
met for the first time : Frieda thoroughly dignified calm; Lina serious
and modest; they mutely shook hands. Since our existence for now was
only embarrassment, I promptly unfolded the plan for the travelers :
first a quick bath (in the heated scullery); then eat; “Then you can go
take a nap”. “Can I go upstairs first ?” Lina asked : she exhibited the
box. “Yes sure.” We bore her luggage behind her.
116 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

With a bound Master Hintze was under the bed; I was barely able to call to
him in greeting. She at once poured milk into the little glass bowl,
knelt before the gloomy crack and began to lure (and touched, likewise
praised the little convenience; almost on her stomach : how warm it
was !: and how nice we’d made everything : “Hintzela : Hintzela !”.
Hand signal : maybe we should leave ? : !).
Bath in a tub ? : he had many objections : in shorts, he’d look as if we were
about to box; he wouldn’t have anywhere to put his cigarettes; if he
caught cold, it’d go to his left ear right off : and that’d be the end of
eardrum and career; it was true, that he would be bored in the meantime
if he didn’ to; bUts- Fo. by the way : here were 4 tin cans lost out of
a Russian semi : yeah, he didn’t know what was in ’em either.
Without gummed labels; just the usual mysterious single letters, strewn
sadistically frugal and aslant. Going by my limited knowledge of the
Cyrillic alphabet, an R, a capital Greek theta (“but it’s used for a differ-
ent sound”); then some sort of little tail-endings. — Shake it ? : “Aeh,
there’s no milk in theah, not in them big things !” (All the same, it
sloshed; so neither meat nor shortening. “Maybe explosives ?!” the
unfortunate thought occurred to the chauffeur; and Frieda grabbed one
from me with acry : “Don’t y’ dahe open ’’em Waltah !”, so that, non-
plused, I set the other one down too).
With Lina in our circle (who, obedient, had only her scarecrow coat around
her; below now the naked brownish legs). “Why did y’ bothah t’ bring
such trash home ! : No, you’ah not op’nin’ *em neithah !” She turned
around, and breathlessly explained the situation to Lina : ! (Then with
a glance at the scrawny slippered feet : “Aeh Waltah : sweep a path
outside would y’ : to the scull’ry.” So out with us.)
“Well ?” : the two invisibilities together in their bath; us alone in the bright
kitchen; ruminating, she laid the table. “She’s a nice kid, Frieda : ’nd
so ill-treated by ugly misfortune !” She gave a deliberate nod (it must
be a funny feeling at first !).
The chauffeur devoured lots with delight; Lina only very sparely (made
pretty grimaces too : “It hurts so bad right here.” Upper center : stom-
ach, going by that. Best thing, get her mind off it.)
What’s new on the Eastern front ? : she gave a labored smile : “Young
Eisendecher — right, the one you played chess with that time — got his
induction notice to report to the Volks police barracks.” (Karl chewed
as how we’d heard that on the radio yesterday, but no no : we didn’t
know the whole story; to wit) : “Only then it turned out, that it’d had
been forged someplace in the West : in some wholesale mailing, to
alarm the citizenry of the GDR !” We pictured it to ourselves briefly,
 THE STONY HEART #117

and had to bleat (but unhappily : I mean, the grief they can give people
nowadays ! But that wasn’t the end of the joke) : “But then they kept
him there all the same : since he’d made all his arrangements, why —”,
she gave a fatalistic shrug of the shoulders and pecked another
crumblet. —
A yawning wandered furtively around the circle. We got up. : Wait !
Atfirst the two of them attached no value to the message : so up we go, and
demonstrate ad oculos. (On the table the photo of her brother, killed in
the war, «Lieutenant Hiibner>, with spiffy billed cap, martially puffed-
up breeches, his pistol in his leather belt, to signify the honorable pro-
fession of a man who lives by killing others. On his willowy chest the
beloved eagle, from which dangled the heavy knockkneed cross : just
to make sure no mistake was made as to whose fool Herr Hiibner had
been.)
And so I raised my hand (an unconscious, if exact copy of the «German
Greeting», so that Karl politely and expectantly replied “Heil Hitlah !”) :
“Not here : up there ! : the ceiling, Herr Thumann !”. (To the next room
for comparison : now he too began to wrinkle his face critically, poked
and sighted treasure-hunting fashion. Well ? Hm. “Quite remahkable”
he then admitted. While Lina patiently waited in the chair : a yellow
shadowlet slumbered beside her among the cushions; I cautiously
stroked the back of my hand across the startled, bubble-upping flank.)
“No, not now ! : If somebody happens to look in, there’ll be hell t’ pay !”.
Pull the blackout shades ? : In broad daylight ? : that’d really be con-
spicuous ! “As soon as it’s dark, we’ll go to work. — First let’s all take
a good nap.” (With news like this in our bellies ? We left them alone at
any rate; and immediately heard the proper noise.)
Upstairs alone : | suddenly felt myself such a fool for having got delayed
yet again by this sort of inanity ! I spitefully laid no more coal on the
fire : so I could freeze and get angrier still. What stupidity ! — And had
no rest at all :
Downstairs again : Frieda was still snuggled on her couch; in labyrinths of
thought; with big and distracted eyes, she watched the hand disappear-
ing under the hem of her skirt; (noncommittally stroke her thighs; she
soon awakened : “They’ah not asleep eithah : heah comes One.”)
Lina, an opened tin can in her hand : “There’re strawberries in it” she said;
and Frieda, with imperturbable preoccupation : “Ohyah”, she pointed
with her chin at the kitchen counter : where she had even filled a bowl
with them : “Jist add ’m to those.” (Karl and I exchanged surreptitious
and embarrassed glances. But the women were already at the sewing
machine : Frieda opened and explained; slung the driving-belt around
118 M ARNO SCHMIDT

down below: loosened the cap-screw with powerful hands, and let the
enchanting bobbin sing; reverent, our Lina : “A drop-head. —’nd brand
new.” As they wandered into rich matters of quilting-lines and crimp-
ing-tucks, we seemed to be superfluous : should we sneak out, sur-
rendering ourselves to nonplusment ? Lina was sitting at it now and
silently practicing her pale-brown ways.)
Still too bright ? : Yes of course. A walk would do wonders for us in every
regard (especially since Karl, feeling neglected, had already suggested
“tippin’ one”). “But not too far” Lina requested timidly. “I simply
can’t imagine; — what’s wrong with my stomach — ?”
(I mean, it would never occur to aman ! : | had suggested to Frieda : “Just
throw on your brown coat.” She had replied reproachfully : “I can’t
weah that with these shoes ’nd stockin’s.”. — Now what man, except for
an invert, would ever get the notion to match his socks or the color
of his hair with his wraprascal ? ! It’s simply a different breed of hu-
mans !).
So : now it matched ! : she came out broadly, naught but krimmer and fur-
lined boots, high in the muffling circle of a black circassian cap. (Or
cossack. — Each couple for itself, arm in arm, in cold erotics. The east
wind immediately sliced off our ears and gave us glass lips. Eye mut-
terings : “Doth not Frieda freeze ?” : she gave my right arm a fervent
snatch and dug her furred fingers into it. Guess not.)
“Oh look : there’s sugar !” : Lina was all excited in front of the store;
wanted to go in at once and persuade us to hoard : “Maybe it'll be gone
by t’morrow !”. We explained to her indulgently, for she was a visitor,
that there hadn’t been any shortage of it since °48 : “You'll soon luhn t’
appreciate the West !” (Karl, confident of victory, but she rocked her
head full of reservations. We went on treading the patient earth).
Trees with snow galloons : we showed her everything with candied fingers.
“You'll have t’ go back t’ the staht ’nd explain it to huh !” She had
never heard the names, and I gave a brief report on the <Mother of
Kings> :
How at one time the fiery half-Frenchwoman, coupled for Hanoverian rea-
sons of state to an unloved, wooden (though thoroughly debauched)
elector prince of a spouse, had sought some self-fulfillment. How in so
doing she once again ended up with an otherwise rather coarse-spun
and only physically adequate partner. How the imprudent exchange of
love letters — “Even today there remain 209 of K6nigsmark’s letters
and 73 of the Princess’s most compromising ones !” — is inevitably
discovered. How shortly before their appointed flight, the law, in those
days in the form of the Privy Council, strikes — “Nowadays we call it
 THE STONY HEART HH 119

Gestapo, Klu Klux Klan or NKVD : but it’s all the same.’”; and how
Count Philipp Christoph von K6nigsmark, <wearing a pair of worn,
grise linen summer-trouzers, a worn white camisole, quite short, and a
brown surtout», is murdered by 4 courtiers (who later receive pensions
from the state !) in Hanover Castle’s baronial hall, and his corpse is
weighted with stones and sunk in the Leine. How the mock divorce
trial rolls on; how her father, the last Duke of Celle=Liineburg, Georg
Wilhelm, is ingeniously set against his only daughter : so that he, as the
last of a dying line, may not leave the duchy to anyone other than his
Calenbergian son-in-law ....
“But all that is not what’s interesting about the case ! Just as for the true
savant, the fireworks of an ensuing <catastrophe> — that darling of dra-
matists : see Schiller’s detective stories in dialog — is never so remark-
able. But rather what now happens : the thirty-two long years in the
lonely residence of the bailiff for the Liineburg Heath .. .”
And now into the courtyard of the chateau : the sheerest sympathy ran
down her cheeks : had I managed to get that lachrymose ? “No : the
wind.” Aha, the wind. (Then the apparently unavoidable Hoppenstedt :
the son-of-a-bitch must not have anything to do ! He gave a narrow-
chested ahem, and elegantly pulled his scrawny eyelids lower still : no,
ostensibly, the key to the portrait was at the moment not <accessible>.)
Whereas Churchill was 80 : “Were you intending to knit him a pair of
stockings too ?” I asked with curiosity; he gave a pinched smile, and
then it could really have broken loose (but I was in a hurry, for the
others were already slowly moving toward the portal : so I just gave
him the abridged version) :
“Churchill ? ! : merely have to hear the name, and I’ve lost 99 pfennigs to
the mark ! : Politically, the epitome of the arrogant, ruthless Briton,
stuffed on roast-beef, cigar in mouth, who alternately lays Germany in
ruins or rearms it, whatever seems most useful to perfidious Albion.
For England, if you like, a <great politician» — although, on the whole,
that epithet is achieved by all too ambiguous means for it ever to be
sought by a good or wise man ! — but we Germans in particular ought to
wear kid gloves when dealing with the gentleman !”
“Should God ever grow weary of mankind>” he paraded out the much ad-
mired A-bomb quote, and enthusiastically presented the omnitolerant
heavens 5 emaciated fingers. And now I really did get angry : “So
that’s what the boys have to say who’ ve been most zealous at exhorting
the production of those infernal toys ? ! Impudence knows no limits :
sort of as ifIset a fire, then stood by and cheerfully said : <Ahyes, if the
Lord in His anger does indeed will the destruction of this house. . » :
120 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

they should just be careful that humanity doesn’t grow weary of God
sometime ! And of his politicians !” (Burst menacing : out of me !).
Nobel Prize for Literature ? ! : “A journalist of out-and-out mediocrity :
nothing more, sir ! — Please unburden yourself of the prejudice that
that committee in Stockholm — with inarguable Anglo-Saxon=French
bias — understands anything about poesy ! It’s quite clear : an outsider
can, on principle, only value foreign literature that translates well;
the truly great artists of language and the fecund experimenters are
inaccessible to him; are usually unknown to him in fact !”
“Ah, my dear me ! : Those who were capable of awarding the prize to
Sienkiewicz, Paul Heyse, Winston Churchill : and to pass over Rilke,
Theodor Daubler, Déblin, Jahnn (not even to mention August Stramm,
Kafka, Trakl) : have no further claim to be taken seriously ! Since
they’ve taken to documenting their own ignorance in such official
fashion, every genuine poet with a little regard for himself rejects that
stigma of mediocrity !”
“Ah Thomasmann, Thomasmann ! ! : Is it not quite clear to you, good Doc-
tor, that he - a commendably free spirit : read the courageous opinions
he ventured on Marxism, etc. — would under no circumstance receive
the prize nowadays from those gentlemen, who are anything but neu-
tral in matters of politics and worldview ? !” (It was not clear to him;
but, as usual, he was morbidly fascinated by my savage heresies.
“Well, until next time, Herr Hoppenstedt.’’).
The snow pitched into us, with merciless little maneuvers, pasted us on the
ears and shoved our heads into our torsos. Up ahead, the ladies were
mutually corroborating that they were left unfulfilled by housework.
(Had, therefore, quite logically moved on from Sophia Dorothea to the
topic of <equal rights». Karl was happy that I appeared on the spot to
assist him; we jointly and cleverly pointed out that it was indeed get-
ting dark enough: ? : “C’mon !”).
Twilight gassed into the room. You could hardly make your way through
for oculation : “Quick !” (And a shadowlet brushed about our ankles).
Blackout shades down : “Flip the switch.” The big toolbox. The steplad-
der. “Maybe tuhn the radio on ? : so nobody can heah us hamm’rin’ ?”.
Lina serenely observed as we mysteriously started to remove the ceil-
ing of her room : <Nuttin’ surprises me no more>. I warned them once
again : “I mean, in case it’s nothing, ladies ’nd gent, we’ll not be disap-
pointed either ?” : they promised so readily that they couldn’t have
even been listening.
To the rattling tones ofthe radio, and the gruesome voice of Calaf rose and
sank (“Kehsten’s prob’ly got his saw=mill goin’ again” : the folksy-
 THE STONY HEART H 121

gray gnashing sea droned monotonously below; while up above, half

suffocated, art labored.) “Hand me up a screw-drivah : looks like these
boahds ’ve been — — — pff : mygodmygodmygod !”. (He sweated and
muttered; the steely fingernail went deeper and deeper to retrieve the
spiral iron bolt).
“Aeh, not like that ! : Can’t y’ just flip it over on the inside ?” Nah. Didn’t
work. The plaster crumbled, rattled Frieda wailed; Hintze joined us in
gazing upward with considerable interest, while I carefully received
the first heavy plank in both hands. “Two inchahs” Karl remarked in
disparagement, “as if they had weight to beah ——” he broke off, rattled,
and we looked at each other oddly for a while : exactlyexactly, my son !
(“Aeh the eyesohr !” Frieda whimpered at regular intervals).
Karl risked it and stuck his head cautiously up into the opening; his visible
mouth demanded : “The flashlight !”. Right, but where do y’ get it ?
Speedy-jointed, I leapt upstairs and fetched mine (lord, if his personal
copy really was in there after all ? : then I would be the only person
now able to rectify the currently uncorrectable erratum on page 260,
column 2 ! The stairs squawked nastily beneath my bounds : I’d been
paying no attention to the steps at the moment.)
Then the hollow voice broke through to us below; first slowly said <shit>,
twice (in Celtic; and I inquired with feigned amazement : “What ? up
there of all places ? !” He whinnied dully, and now banged his head
once again.)
“Nothin’ in heah. — — Help me move the laddah a little fuhthah ! !” He
explained to us, from the position of Atlas, the entire house on his
shoulders : because the 2 beams went clear across, that quite logically
meant there were 3 long empty spaces. So then. (And he really looked
as if he’d been eaten alive : a headless man stuck by the stump of his
neck to the ceiling. “Nope : nix.” Resigned, we shoved the ladder into
the last third).
“Back theah — — : theah’s somthin’ : gimme somethin’ !” (Something ?
And what if I give you my hand ? : “What d’ y’ want : be more precise,
please !” : “Oh somethin’ oah othah : a broom, a crutch, a pokah; a—a
yahdstick —— !” bellowing with impatience, he tried on his own to slip
up into the ceiling; floundered; lost his ladder with a scream : we had
laboriously to catch his feet and put them back on the appropriate
steps. Then introduce the stick; he fished and pulled).
Slurpings above us, testy and clumsy : he reached far back in, and pre-
sented it into our air : “Onct !” : a sack of coarsest burlap (and heavy ! :
Frieda came close to dropping it. And now Line’s mouth opened in
complicity too; she had taken Hintze onto her lap — there was no telling
122 M ARNO SCHMIDT

what would come out of there — and had begun to smile shyly for com-
pany.)
“Twiiict —” : this time I accepted it : well ? : 5 pounds wouldn’t cover it !
“Threee times |!” : he was pawing impatiently at the heavy thing; I
bounded over and took it from him.
“And the last one : damn !” (by his description, a <lahge, lightah box», but
that wouldn’t go through the crack : so we throttled the next plank
loose as well.)
Peering once more in all compartments : “Nope : that’s it !” (No one was
listening now to the walloping baritone from the «Religious Congrega-
tion of Israel». Stand down below and stare at one another.)
I braced myself :dare I say something ? — “Well then, I suggest : first we
quickly fasten the planks again; —: so that it looks respectable. And no
one can tell anything from the ceiling.” “The ladies get these items
down to the kitchen ?” : likewise approved. “Plus a scale. And a pair of
scissors of course : and those’re downstairs.”
Around the kitchen table (“Front door’s locked, right ? !” We cautiously
skirted the north corner once again. Me, somber with cold; I already
know what’s coming !).
“Go ahead.” with a curt hand gesture; and Frieda at once stuck in the scis-
sor point; snip snap; : “Lay a piece o’ fabric under it : a blanket *d work
best” I recommended, and was regarded with respect.
Of course : gold coins ! (About which, judging by that weight, I had had
no further doubts whatever ! The two of them promptly made a grab for
them; even Lina took the outermost disklet into her hand, “We had
some in Silesia too”, but laid it back down at once in embarrassment.
Pause for wallowing. Then they looked at me again. “Shall matters
proceed systematically ?”. Matters should.)
“Sort them. : The twenty-mark pieces here; the tens there.” Each scooped
himself a handful, and our fingers filigreed nimbly across the woolen
blanket. Wilhelm with the wild golden moustache-feelers; or better,
boar tusks.
Count. — And make piles of a hundred each.” —. —. : “And now each of us
rechecks the other’s pile.” In his impatience, Karl had miscounted of
course. Even Lina had. (Even I had ! ! Was also much too deep in hard
thought !).
“Are the scales relatively correct ? ; Have you-two got a pound weight
in the house ?” (<You-two>, as if the unity Friedakarl still existed.
They didn’t notice that, nor had they any. “Lay | pound of margarine
on it.” — Well, approximately. Sufficient for a first estimate at any
rate).
 THE STONY HEART H# 123

684 twenty-mark pieces ? : “Wow ! !” : they had to weigh them then — — (I

preferred to fetch my logarithm tables from upstairs; and Karl edged
closer with greater elan : now things were getting in gear !). — “Twelve
pounds : set it on now okay ?”. Frieda was about to adjust the rider; but
he loftily prevented this : man’s work ! We all read it off : Eleven
Fifteen. “Okay, the fine gold content is 9/10 of the gross weight. . .”
Figure it up once more; then | laid down the pencil and began cautiously :
“Well, I don’t know the exact price gold is going for at the moment, — :
but it’s around a hundred thirty-five an ounce.” They waited for the
practical implications. “So that this here comes in at — about 20,000
D-marks.” — — (If you’ ve nothing to say, then on to the next pile !).
63 Tens ? : “Round=uh one fifteen.” I set up a little list (also, to give them
some time, pedantically drew a couple of subsidiary lines along the
book’s margin. Lina watched in her concentrated way; and I gave her
one grim nod; she moved her head equivocally.)
“Aeh, this one’s lots lightah” said our disgruntled Karl to the second sack
: smolderings here, yet bloodier and more auric. I prevented fingers
this time, and instead held the big magnifying glass above one of the
coins. Nodded. And said, hastily indeed, on past my face : “Han-
overian pistoles from 1850 : Harz gold !”. (Count and build columns :
218 : Ten nine !).
The third was larger again : and oh! : minted history ! All these old thalers
and commemorative coins ! (“Mostly silvah, right ?” said Karl matter-
of-factly; I simply snorted in disdain. Then explain a few things : The
beautiful Gauss=Medallion from 1855. The Waterloo=Thaler 1865. In
honor of the completion of the Hoftheater 52. And the wonderful
Wildemanns= and Andreas=Thaler, that people used to like to ribbon
round their godchild. “Just let that big round container lie for a bit,
please” I asked; and Frieda, the true and major heiress, gave a sharp
nod of sanction.)
“Hey, here : pff !: all six Heinrich=Julius=Thalers ! ! : any collector ’d
give you 500 marks for ’em. If not a thousand !” I couldn’t help it, I
had to tell them about the famous coin war in which the Duke had
engaged against the ten fractious noble families who had attacked him
with weapons and, at the same time, a suit before the Imperial Council.
“First they struck the so-called Rebel Thaler : on the obverse you see
the Duke as wild man, with a torch in his hand, the date 1595 and his
device PPC — not pour prendre congé, but rather Pro patria consumor :
I consume myself for the fatherland. On the reverse, the company of
Korah is being swallowed up by the earth.” / “This was followed in
1596 by the so-called Lying Thaler : here : On which a couched lion
124 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

holds a steinbock (the arms of the Steinbergs, one of the rebels) in its
forepaws; behind it, a rose (the Salderns) grows on a withered stock
(the arms of the Stockheims). The legend (referring to the suit brought
before the Imperial Council) reads : ?” (Frieda, the glass before both
eyes, was already spelling it out : “Beware Thou — the Deede” Turn. :
“Counsaile shall the Lie Succeede.” Laughed at her success, and
passed it around.) / The next year, 1597, came the Truth Thaler, where
the Goddess of Same treads Lies and Slander underfoot. / 1599 the
so-called Wasp= or Gnat=Thaler, where the lion of Braunschweig,
illumined by the sun and crowned with an eagle, destroys a wasp nest,
out of which he drives 10 wasps — the renegade vassals of course ! /
After the compromise, which followed in 1599, the Thaler of Concord
was struck, on which the same lion joins a bear to hold a bundle of
arrows, with the inscription <Unita durant>.” (They understood that
without trouble from the French). / “And finally the last one, the
Pelican=Thaler, which provided the explanation for the motto on the
duke’s coat-of-arms, pro patria consumor : a pelican, which, in order to
feed its young lying in the nest, rips open its own breast.” (Amusing
image of the ruling class, is it not ? Karl at once suggested one where
the ruler rips open his subjects at a quite different spot). (The impres-
sion on my auditors was slight all in all; only Frieda took one of them
in hand again, out of courtesy. “My fathah suhved durin’ 1870/71 !”
she proudly displayed the bronze disk. Lay in safe-keeping to one side.
“But his name’s nowhere on the war monument ? !” : “He hadn’t come
heah yet then.” Ah that’s it.
“Man-oh-man ! : Is that evah heavy !” : bewildered, she held the flat silver
jar in one hand. And even I took subsequent alarm at the mighty weight
of it : only as large as Frieda’s Nivea jar, and yet 3 pounds ? ! Small
beaded rim; slightly convex lid; quite simple and unpretentious.
Through the 2 eyelets at the front, a cord worked in silver-blue, sealed
with small piece of wax.
“That’s the coat-of-arms — of the Celle line : uh=that is : the way it could
be displayed by someone who was not a reigning member of the ducal
house.” Pondering; then sharply into her eyes : “Shall we snip through
it ?” “Suah, of cohse” she said tensely. So then; Karl : the pincers. (Just
to be on the safe side, he produced the quadrifunctional levered pliers :
the metal thread split soundlessly on the spot. I carefully pulled it out :
the seal dare not be damaged !; screwed; still at it. Until the lid lay
loose.)
Place it in front of Frieda, with smyllende mouth : Please. She beamed
back enamored; took hold with her finger medusae, and :
 THE STONY HEART #125

A wine-red felt circle : ? 1 gave an expert’s nod : to be expected : “Lift it off

very carefully” I suggested with a smile.
The gold, the gold ! : the disk had — I carefully held the tape measure above
it in the air — a diameter of 3'/, inches. “Best put the felt back over
it—: That’s it !— : Now your hand over that. — : And ever so carefully
turn it over —”; she pulled the full white palm away from under it; and
lifted the bottom of the case :
Two ! : Two gigantic gold medallions; */,<th of an inch thick. “Lay them
next to each other, please.” : exactly the same stamping. We turned one
of them over, so that we could examine the ob= and reverse at the same
time. “Or shall we weigh them first ?” Weigh them of course : 22
ounces the first; 22 ounces the second. “So then, together, around five
thousand : the metal value ! ! — Let me see if I can figure out what they
really are. The collector value can be much higher !”. That gave me
time for a closer inspection. (Five thousand marks ! ? : at once I beheld
before my eyes a simple tabletop cabinet, stained a pale-yellow. With
brass drawer-handles. Full of dainty index cards, Abbenthem to
Zytzema. Frieda suddenly took a mighty interest; sat down beside me,
and followed every stage like a hound on the hunt.)
On the reverse : upon an altar, a heart enkindled by the sun; with the in-
scription <Rien d’impure m’allume>. “Allumer means enkindle : only
the purest enkindles me.”
On the obverse : In the foreground a voluptuous female figure draped
back, at the rear a— yes : a lioness ! — pursued by 2 hunters. Around the
edge : <4.3.1665 *Mutare vel timere sperno* 4.3.1695> (“I despise in-
constancy and fear’; mechanically : Fear. And; Inconstancy. Incon-
stancy and Fear : taken all together, it would bring 30 to 35,000 marks
for sures):
? 1665 ? : wasn’t that when the aforesaid Georg Wilhelm, the last of the
Celle line and “the father of your princess here”, had ascended the
throne ? (But that neither fitted with this sultry heart device; nor was
the date correct : a lioness ! — A Lioness — — —)
A Lioness ? ? : and my eyes began so to sparkle that Frieda took enthusias-
tic alarm : Leonissa ? ? ! ! And the accent lay on the duality of the greedy
hunters ! A dreadful suspicion came over me; what I needed now was
to have had the two monographs by Professor Schnath at hand !
(But of course ! : «Rien d’impure ....» : that had been the seal KOnigsmark
used for his correspondence ! And <Leonissa> her pseudonym on occa-
sion ! Holy Bembo, if you only knew the birth date !)
(But all the same : there was hardly any doubt ! : Sophia Dorothea had put
in an order somewhere for both pieces (they were one-of-a-kind then ! !)
126 M ARNO SCHMIDT

for her lover’s 30th birthday. But then the grand disaster had inter-
vened; the engraver had perhaps carefully guarded them, until the storm
should pass, and he could then deliver them somehow later on. Right ?)
“Frieda !” (“You stand now before your judge” I added as a joke, to
chit-chat all my anxiety away) : “What was : your mother’s maiden
name ? !”. “Liidemann” she said tentatively, “From here in Ahlden”
(and I closed my eyes to allow them to twinkle with inner triumph :
Liidemann ? : That had been her «peculiarly devoted> bailiff during
those years ! By that route then. Perhaps in a fit of feminine disgust,
she had once given it to him as a present. Or better : trusted him with
their safekeeping : she had brazingly sworn her innocence by taking
communion; and would be better off not leaving that sort of evidence
around : one led logically to the other !).
I looked at them all : “These coins don’t exist !” I whispered sharply : “A
real numismatist ’Il go crazy when he sees ’em !” Shrugged, and stood
up : “In this case, I won’t venture to estimate their value.”
All together ? “Just the value of the metal alone —” I cast a fleeting glance
at the paper by my hand — “Very roughly : — thirty-two thousand.”
(Frieda fled at once to relieve herself.)
But there was still the big hatbox yet : blocks of bank notes : The billions.
Neatly bundled. (Then indeed a veritable hat ! Which Frieda recog-
nized at once : “Hey, that belonged to yoah Jansen !” To mine ? : to the
great statistician then ? “Yeasuah. My fathah used t’ show it to me all
the time : it’s madev ottah hide, I think; s’posed to be good for dizzi-
ness.” So I imagined Curt Heinrich Conrad Friedrich Jansen, my
Jansen, with an otter top-hat and long walking-stick : ? : the image,
approved. She was touched too now : “Say; that’s yoahs !”).
Then it struck them both at once : “Goodlohd, ouah refugee’s lived in theah
all those yeahs !” (Frieda turned pale in afterthought, her hand to her
massive heart, she went upstairs again just to make sure. — And there
were bank notes stuffed around the outside edges too.)
(But no personal copy ! Profound dejection overwhelmed me : never would
I know the erratum on page 260 ! The chauffeur searched tenaciously
for more gold dust or nuggets among the banknotes; groped with greedy
midwife’s paws around my hat : “You're getting so you’re going to
need reading glasses, Karl.” He indignantly rejected this, and even
hissed at Lina when she candidly seconded me : it’s a sign of waning
virility, huh ? I grabbed mine and set them more firmly.)
Evening meal, standing (Frieda had piled an inspiring platter almost too
high, with cheese and sild sandwiches. “They put rum in hahd sausage”
was Karl’s distracted and inappropriate remark).
 Wie SwOxp? laleanmw |_| Wey

Plan, standing (Karl had to drive tomorrow one more time; Lina had pains
when she walked : thus was predestined to guard the house). “Then you
two’ll go” (Frieda and I) “to Hanovah. Waltah has to go along, othah-
wise they’ll swindle ouah socks off !” I was also able to convince her
without difficulty that we should cash in only part of it to start with :
gold keeps its value; what paper money is worth, you see before you !
“By the way, the biggest problem of all is : how to dispose of it without
bothering the tax office : there are, after all, the most unpleasant taxes;
that alone ’Il make things difficult enough !” (Their countenances at
once grew woeful : and rightly so !).
“Welll then, how much ?” : We all shrugged and looked to Frieda. Frieda,
begging advice, to me. (So then, imitate the tax consultants !) : “I sug-
gest — : we make around ten-thousand liquid at first. 2 pounds of gold;
and the 2 medallions : we’ve probably got to use them as lures.” (I
already had my plan; although of course it would require luck). “Do
you folks really need that much ?” They didn’t know whether just in
generalithey Oona. 4-1 (well think it over; meanwhile I checked the
timetable.)
If we leave here at 4:49 a.m. : then we’re in Hanover at uh — about six thirty
tomorrow morning” (pf : earlyearlyearly; but the next one would be
too late then; we’d never get done in time.) “If necessary, we’ll have to
spend the night in a hotel.” She blushed with provincial pride (while
we refilled the sacks).
“And now one more piece of advice” I suggested in closing : “Calm
down ! : Imagine it’s all just a copper-clad dream.” They promised
obediently; whereupon Karl’s next impulse was : “Say, d’ y’ s’pose we
can git the price o’ gold on the news ?” : “Let that be for now : we'll
get a definitive quote tomorrow in Hanover” I admonished; and with
pretended alarm : “Children : it’s already eleven thirty ! I’m for hitting
the hay : the night’Il be over come 3 a.m. !”. (Frieda would simply have
to pay a visit to <Hochstetter & Lange> as well : to buy some rare
matching thread. “High it stands; & long” : Karl bemused. “You got
*nything we need to bring back ?” : “Ohh noo” Lina said childlike. And
shook her head yet again.)
Moon-night : A Bright Fringed One, set in concrete. And you grow ever
older and more rickety : she’s sound as a bell, and *II still want to at 90.
In the genes. Who would massage my heart then, and anxiously bend
down over me ? (Frieda of course. And even if I only meant as much to
her as Hintze does to Lina. Must I indeed stay here now then ? !) —
In the empty kitchen, guitar tones leapt about; with nary a care for us. We
met before the door (you could hear Karl & Lina murmuring upstairs
128 M ARNO SCHMIDT

now) : “Nah, bettah t’ take it all up with us : not everyone’s ’s decent as

you” (so doesn’t trust the two of them : but me ! ! crazy world ! The
toxic green eye of the machine gave me a roguish wink. If you want to
sail into the harbor, you first have to build it : and by inhuman good
luck find the building materials !).
First 1 flight further up : “Oh Waltah, what ’m I going t’ weah ? !” with
empty perplexed eyes. (There’ll soon be a military again, ineluctable,
now that they’ve ratified those damned Paris agreements : you’re go-
ing to have to «make accommodations» in any case, or, put more pre-
cisely, : keep quiet; be more cautious. Vanish into the general flatitude;
a sort of <local historian>; and I grumpily rubbed my hands : as a pro-
test against God, humankind ought to resolve to commit organized
suicide on, say, 15 November 1955, at 6:10 p.m. (there’s sure to be
some drug that’d even make it fun !) : “At the sound of the tone : — only
5 seconds left: --— :!!!” (Then he can take care of this shit all by
himself, right ? !). (And it would turn out later that only about | million
stupid idealists had done it : the others would go bungling on, whinny-
ing at the great joke. So that’s no solution either !).
(And now totally unemotional ! : Might as well go all the way : Frieda was
indisputably the principal heiress. Karl earned a good salary : 30,000
marks could last us forever ! It follows then, that for the foreseeable
future, all faith-hope-&-charity; tomorrow I would impress her with
my elegant scholarship. And muchmuch love : as much as the appara-
tus ’d produce ! : “Frieda ? !’”)
“Now c’mon, Frieda ! : we’ve got t’ get going very early.” She had trouble
tearing herself away from the embrace of her wardrobe; but at least
knew pretty well now. (And she had to offer it to me herself ! Her
bosom was sinking down upon me now, and I pulled the valkyrie
over me. Over moi, that is.) (And I could use that ticket too ! The moon
cast a prodigious gaze through the window; high cloud shapes paced
back and forth. And then I groaned again : wouldn’t it be better to
vanish after all ? Her left breast weighed at least 3 pounds; came to
6000 marks; and I snored more indecisive still into the bedded mouth-
piece.) —
What ?!—Ah so : 3:20 a.m. : Frieda, yellowed by artificial light and lack
of sleep; was therefore tricky and touchy as a chimp; in her stringy
black hair; in her excitement had to go to the john first thing; and was
generally of no use whatever. (Well, that’s still better than some blasé
urbanette, with long, used-up breasts and niladmirari=airs ! I had all
the time in the world to saw the board to the exact size of the bottom
of my briefcase — yes, it’d probably fit well enough now; yes — so that
 THE STONY HEART MH 129

the weight would be distributed evenly over the whole surface. She
insisted we take it all along; Karl was hot for that too : So I have to
have the common sense for you/us : given our distinctively West Ger-
man tendencies for inflation and our rearmament boom, the price of
gold would only just keep right on climbing !).
“Morning Karl.” : he was determined to foist his gas-cartridge on me, and
was offended when I just grimaced through my nose : “Leave that here
for Lina : who’s going have to defend the house all by herself.” That
seemed more plausible to him finally; he turned around and gave it to
her (Lina, who, without moving a facial muscle, shoved it between her
little breasts. Animated Hintze observed us from the bottom landing,
even helped bustle up and down too.)
“Where’s Frieda ? ! : Mon Dieu, again so soon ?” (But all I did was growl
affably. And lay the blanket remnant over the bag. Spare writing mate-
rials; the paper with the exact data on the fine-gold content of the
various coinages. — Ah here : the flashlight too.)
So : “You’re driving again today then, Karl ?” For the last time, yes;
then not until after New Year’s. “And you, Miz Hibner, ’re to lock up
behind us : in case we should manage it all today — which I doubt ! —
it'll be very late before we get home. You’ll ask from inside : <Who’s
there ?>; and we’ll say <Sophia> : then you give the answering pass-
word : <Dorothea> !” (This refinement found general approval : the
expedition’s dark=danger was thereby considerably and effectively
enlarged upon. We were now speaking more softly; our shoulders
arched greater menace; Karl laid his fist as if around the hilt of some
imagined dagger : «Dead men tell no tales !> : very good !)
“Say, d’ y’ think I have time foah a quick trip ? !” : “I mean, Frieda ! : Will
you stop this nonsense. There’ll be ample opportunity for that later
in the train; or in Hanover” : “In the ah=chive too ?” In the archive
too. She used both hands to hold the handle of her miniature suitcase
of black velveteen and patent leather. “And now we’ ve definitely got
to go !” (Karl bellowed blissfully over the fence : “So then, fuhst
<Sooophia> . . .” With contorted hand and cloven face, I called all
chthonic powers to witness; hissing : “Why don’t y’ hang a poster on
the house, damn it !”. He was appalled to death; he fell to pieces :
“Dorothea” he whispered; then he staggered inside distraught. Only
Lina turned back once more to watch us go. The night, golden-spinied
echinoderm, ostensibly crept past above us).
Suspended (my briefcase, on the left, was incredibly heavy, true; but I was
just gently indulgent) : “You've still got tickets t git.” Under «Shady
Oaks», it was formless brilliant white; with whistling strides, we
130 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

crossed the pond of lamplight by the war memorial and Boselager’s

Inn. (Let’s hope she doesn’t come to the window with me !)
“Hey listen : ’t’s late! : You'd best wait here.” I put the briefcase beside
her on the bench, now in double-time to the ticket window : “One-for-
Hanover-third-class-with-premium !” (The clangorwork was already
announcing it).
“Theah’s so many on this train : so ubly in the mohnin’” : Frieda, by the
careworn light of ancient compartments, on the foremost edge of her
bench. Next to us three workers yawned and leg-stretched; wretches,
who every day had to do the 30 miles there and back. (Whoever hasn’t
had to endure it, doesn’t know what it means ! : every working day,
getting up 1'/, hour earlier; getting home 1'/, hour later. I’d endured it.
For 10 years. Just as then, my gaze got hopelessly enmeshed in the
baggage net).
“Ohlookathat : that guy sold y’ an old ticket !” : Lord, that too ! (She had
anxiously demanded <hers>; probably in case we should lose one an-
other in the hurlyburly of the Ahlden train station; and I had hastily
shoved two cardboardlets into the slit of her glove). She had just pulled
them out now, and was hedonistically studying each line : “Heah, y’
see — heah : it’s from the fifth !” (And so expedient melodrama : Mine
too ? — “Nope, not mine. — Well, they’re good for 4 days; that hap-
pens sometimes.” But she anxiously watched the conductor approach,
swinging from compartment to compartment, like a gibbon in its cage.
Then relieved and trustful : “’d rathah you held ’em now.”)
Alone again : Biichten. A scalpel of light was drawn across my hand. The
wheels duned their wrought-iron rhythm. Gilten. I'd probably do best
to check in the <Frankfurter Relationen>. Possibly in the «Mercure
galant> as well, and in the <Theatrum Europaeum> : if the issues from
those years still existed; Hanover had lost an enormous lot of books.
Bothmer. “Oh, we’ve got to get off soon !” : I just demurred with a
smile; gave her hand a pat (mine knew more, wanted to go on, the tooth
of her belt was biting me now; and she extracted it in alarm; embar-
rassed : “Oh cahrful, Waltah.” If need be, the «Lexington Papers» too,
as well as the collected correspondences of Leibniz and Liselotte von
der Pfalz : “Yes, let’s hope it’s open by now.”)
The waiting room in Schwarmstedt that is : of course it was closed ! We
stared joylessly into the clock’s mottled Chinese face : wait here 20
minutes in this bone-chill ? ! : “Go ahead ’nd sit down, Frieda”; (Yes,
you can fit your handkerchief under !); then I carefully wrapped her
pretty legs in the remnant of blanket; kneeling coo : “How can you
travel in winter in just these thin stockings !”. She gratefully moved
 THE STONY HEART BH 131

her shoulders; now and then I also laid my warm hands over the intri-
cate cartilage of her ear; and she softly named her happiness several
times over : “Waltah !”
The horned iron grimace burst out of the night. We fell back in disgust : —;
and then scrambled into the hatch’s dirty smolder. “Okay; now it’s
a full hour from here.” A shudder ran through her shoulderwork : ?;
but she just shook vigorously : “Nah, not cold at all : jist <had to», y’
know ?” And I gave an expert’s nod. Then she suddenly thought of her
gold treasure again.
“Well yes : savings, sure; over at least 2 generations. In your case, then,
virtually since 1800 — or even longer ! Didn’t fall for any of their
I=turned=gold=into=iron tricks either : Were clever folk, your ances-
tors.” (Constantly impress the <your> on her; she is in charge of it :
incontestably so, by every moral law.)
“Yes, that’s a possibility too —:” and I explained the context at length : that
at the time, the middle of June 1866, Hanover — quite rightly distrustful
of Prussia, their proven archenemy, but sad to say militarily poorly
prepared — joined the <good> cause of the Austrians and concentrated
its troops in the south of the realm. (Her hand tightened appropriately).
And the metal reserves from the mint were forwarded to Gottingen
on June 16th : “It’s a well-known fact that-your grandfather died in
G6ttingen, and that his family remained there — it is quite possible an
opportunity for the exchange offered itself at that point. On the other
hand, the conscience of even the most faithful civil servant could raise
no objection to turning silver savings in for an equal sum of gold.” (Or
might it ? : ’m unfamiliar with civil-servile consciences : at any rate /
would have found nothing wrong with it !). “It’s just a guess, of course;
an attempt at explanation.” (But then she wanted to know what became
of the national treasury : so she has a nose for history ! Or maybe,
simply because there’s so much money involved ?; Hm. In any case,
she was deeply disappointed to hear that in the end the special car was
captured by Prussian cuirassiers after all, just outside of Clausthal :
“Oh my !”.)
“Noo : first comes Langenhagen.” : she sank back again; but with every
,

light squadron, she cast questioning glances outside : ?. “Hm-mm.” To

divert her, I captured her left hand and stuck it in my coat pocket
(within, then, a lovers’ struggle : her fingers flew apart, into all
corners, were mastered, ever and again, as per regulation; until finally
she made an erotic trough of them, in which I had to wallow; also a
tube : she bit her lower lip with roguish exertion and stared fixedly
ahead : —: —: “C’mon! !” : she took elaborate fright, and skillfully let
132 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

loose of my stiff index finger. Drummed for pleasure with tips of feet
too. Thus we sat, in our light-splotched skins).
Hanover waiting-room : ill-at-ease, she got trapped in the revolving door.
Gazing about in torment (there they stacked on top of each other, in
every corner : the principle traits of humankind : gregariousness,
sport=instinct, laziness; lasciviousness; doltishness, cruelty.) I stood
tall and wild, with my nastiest face : ? : ? — : “Ovah theah.” (Frieda).
At least just 1 fat crook at the table : “These seats taken ?”; to his
sorrow he had to admit they weren’t; but immediately gave us quite an
accusing look over his gold-rimmed glasses; the notice-everything
mania of the traveler (or the writer : maybe we were the unknowing
witnesses to the genesis of a new Faust, and would ourselves appear in
it as walk-ons : <the plump lady, much too pretty for her gaunt school-
master». While here I had treasures with me like Prester John !).
“ nother beer ? !” : the waiter with high disdain to the two widows at the
next table : what sort of an operation was this ? Didn’t they want to
sell anything ? ! : “Two coffees, please !”; he shrugged both round
shoulders at some mysterious offense (whereupon, for a prank, once
the stuff arrived and I was paying for it, I stirred an extra spoonful of
Nescafé into each.)
“Hey, lookatheah !” (Frieda, with a horrified rasp : it was almost too
eerie !) : The tall waiter in the background, who crept up behind the
guests like a lemur; pulled away the tablecloth, his face of withered
violet hue; of static eye, his little empusal mouth agape : we slurped
our coffee more quickly (always in time with the long cadaver, its arms
now spread languidly one table closer : of an evening he was hung up
on a hook; the innkeeper pulled head and hands out of the holes in the
uniform and packed them in a drawer until the next morning, all the
while having to murmur certain charms of course. Even the genial lush
watched him dubiously.)
Baffled in the lobby : she kept asking worriedly if I still had the briefcase,
and I kept untiringly presenting it to her (but even I noted a light steady
undercurrent; well, was understandable). “Ah, why not let’s go on in:
we’ve got at least an hour to kill anyway.” (And so up the sweeping
stairway into the newsreel show) :
And it dragged us into a loud high-strung world ! : us, our bags properly in
our laps. Next to each other; thankgod it was still rather empty.
Several Newses-of-the-Week : Bishops were consecrated : impressively
skirted one another; rites crashed; holies oiled; kneeling robes creased
regulation Josephite folds : the only honest one is Rudolf Hilde-
brand ! —
 THE STONY HEART #133

Tick : Tock;; : tick : tock : ping-pong ball. The shot was so gloomy and
stringy that the voice preferred to explain what that was aclockworking
there. Also the inevitable soccer pantomime : oxen-limbed defenders;
runners satyred in a crouch; chargers leaped in stiff triads strung to-
gether just by their heads; the goalie lifted his wooly poodle arms (and
always with that pseudo-suspense ! : and the voice brazenly shammed
a major event : the humbugger let out a bellow; and the invisible
masses responded in a muffle, only by the form distinguishable from
an equal number of sheep).
Politicians ? ! ; | preferred to close my eyes, and just listen to the misery
(sometimes even he fell silent in sympathy; and I guess the background
buzz was inevitable).
«Hawaiian Holidays» : and Frieda was thrilled by the garish-hued cartoon;
<bwang> and you could see the sniveling strings of the wooden uke
whip on high; the little black surfer with his board ran vainly in pursuit
of the ebbing waves : on diligent wee legs.
(Then the whole shebang once more : for 50 pfennigs you could sit as long
as you liked. Nice arrangement; and much cheaper than any restaurant.
“Yes, we can start heading out.” In the lobby she decided to have me
hold her bag one more time. Came back upstairs relieved; broad and
black=white.)
Ernst=August=Platz : “D’ you know what’s inside that monument’s foun-
dation stone ? —: A State Handbook from 1859 !” I informed her in
sullen triumph (and she digested this, perplexed and respectful. Above,
a delft sky : solid white, paltry blue; I instinctively moved my weary
left hand to check : ? — yes, the weight was pulling hard there !).
First question : What are they paying today in Hanover for 1 ounce of fine
gold ? The slim dark gentleman in the Assay Office obligingly gave me
all information, as if Iwould soon be his customer : you sure look like
it ! (Gold 136.08 marks; silver 3.28) — Karmarsch Strasse; past the no
longer extant market hall. The castle plaza : “Over there’s the Lower
Saxony State Archives. And the State Library.”
In the lonely stairwell : the sluggish light watched but did not glance at
us : at a reverent Frieda; at a soundlessly whistling Eggers. “Yes in-
deed : Herr Doktor Zimmermann is already in. — He knows you from
before ? ! — Just a moment, please.” (While we waited so all alone in
the glass cage of the gray-green antechamber, I quickly explained to
her : the chief archivist.)
“Ah Herr Eggers : back in these parts again ?”. Shake hands and little
bows. Frieda was introduced as <Jansen’s>, granddaughter, and awak-
ened appropriate interest : “You’re in charge of the family archive ? !”,
134 M ARNO SCHMIDT

and she was so proud of that, that she almost uttered nonsense (and
much too much; after the manner of touring country beauties. I made
him so curious about imminent revelations, that he turned honestly
friendly, and for starters gathered together our desired reading ma-
terials.)
“So : you, Frieda, are to make an exact copy of pages 197/98 here, please.
And I mean down to the letter and punctuation mark !” (An officer
from the 7th Inf. Reg., to the staff of which this copy once belonged,
had ripped out the page, presumably as a «memento>.) I first made
notes concerning the nuptial festivities of our Sophia Dorothea, on 21
November 1682 in Celle. Then checked Kretschmer for information on
old Hanoverian coinage. Only then, as a dainty treat, the fundamental —
and at the same time definitive — essays of Professor Schnath concern-
ing — this —- — matter ———:
There ! : As expected ! : Philipp Christoph von K6nigsmark was born in
Stade on 16.3.1665. And the device was correct too. (Although he had
also used this one besides : a heart, with the motto <Cosi fosse il vostro
dentro il mio>.)
And here : in the correspondence, which was passed for a while through a
mutual acquaintance, Eleonora von dem Knesebeck, the Princess was
code-named <Leonissa> : cela suffit !
Lean back; breathe, stretch; consider; (Frieda was copying in blessed ear-
nest : I tested her by trying to mock her a bit; but she didn’t smile even
once : the learned air did her good ! — Maybe she’d make a co-worker
after all ? ! — And I propped my head in my hand again with more
vexation, over my book : what a life !)
“Herr — Doktor — : Zimmermann !” now in his office, and he gave a ge-
nial=expectant smile : ? : “Do you know a — or for that matter — several
coin collecters in Hanover and vicinity : they have to be rich !” (Por-
tentous. Then I opened the clasp of the briefcase standing below me;
counted in purposeful sotte voce : “One; two — three — : ah here.” Labo-
riously lifted the tautly filled bag onto my lap. Carefully unknot it. Or
wait : better yet, put it on the edge of the desk : “I may, may I not ?—”.
He nodded and flashed soundless bespectacled bolts.)
“But don’t open it yet !” : along with the raised left hand, staving off every
wish : beneath the awful weight of the container, his hand sank heavily
onto the plate glass that topped his desk; he recognized the seal at once :
“House of Liineburg : end of the seventeenth century.” (These fellows
know it all ! Have too much here for comparison.).
“Damnation ! — ; Can’t a fellow even open it ? !” : “If we find a buyer,
you'll be present when we do : I insist you be in fact !” I promised. He
 THE STONY HEART WH 135

needed only a very short time to reflect : “For an object like this, the
only person in the city itself who comes under consideration is Direc-
tor Dettmering : of Atra Industries. Knows the field too. And above all
else : right here !” (Could rub thumb and forefinger together it seemed;
nothing to it, with Atra Industries; well, all the better. And if not him ?:
“Oh — then there are several others.” he replied evasively, and : “I=uh :
Pll give him a call right now, okay ? !” : “Oh do, please do !”).
(Alone with Frieda : the container back into the sack. Reclose. Back into
the briefcase. “But just get used to the idea of spending the night” I
admonished. Silence. “And Ill handle the negotiations, right ?” I reas-
sured myself one more time; and she nodded vigorously. “Did you fin-
ish up the copying by the way ?” it occurred to me. “Yep.” Silence.)
“He’s on his way : in his car. — : I really built a fire under him”; rubbing
hands, jovial : “Well, I am curious” he readily admitted; and bent over
his correspondence. Made derogatory grumbles. Later then : “Oh no,
he was already in the plant. It only takes a few minutes : when those
gentlemen really want something.....
Minutes : I stuck the slip of paper into my breast pocket, ready at hand : for
10,000 marks — which meant approximately — 2 pounds of twenty-
mark pieces; and the two medallions. Of course only for cash on the
barrel and mum’s the word. He sat down at his typewriter and ham-
mered the silence into fragments : all the better : you could hear time
passing.
Two different footfalls ? : Zimmermann pricked up his ears as well: ?: !
“Frau Jansen, Herr Eggers : Herr Direktor Dettmering” (of Atra Indus-
tries : Frieda had first tried to get up (the which, along with her wanting
to correct him, I was just able to prevent.) The massive man sank into
the armchair and pressed his guts into position. Likewise feigned loads
of <time-is-money> at first. Well, it’ll work out; so first the jar-trick
again).
They both bent over the seal, muttering : “Hmyes.” Also : “No doubt of it.”
Then a questioning glance my way : ? —I leaned forward and gave the
lid an energetic unscrewing (but left it lying loose on top : the urge is
all the greater when you pick the apple from the tree with your own
hands. He reached nonchalantly across the felt coverlet : ——) :
And slowly grew backward : ! : Restrained, forward again. Long silence.
Then I got up noiselessly, and mutely demonstrated the mechanism
further : thusly : and laid both pieces bullock-eyed next to one another;
the heads moved imperceptibly back and forth.
“School of Henning Schliiter” he whispered : the guy at once recognized
the engraver by some secret sign or other ! Naturally that name was
136 M ARNO SCHMIDT

familiar to me as well : the famous master of Zellerfeld, with whom

most of Lower Saxony had its stamping and minting done in those
days ! But now stern intervention : “Have you a letter-balance here i
Zimmermann slowly tore himself away, with a long blissful release of
breath : “Yes. — : just a moment — I'll get one.”
I weighed the pieces for them : Director Dettmering peered briefly (but
hawk-eyed) at the scale : You probably think you’re going to get them
just for their metal value ? ! “Yes, but what is this ?” they debated now.
“This ? : is one-of-a-kind !” Zimmermann decided with emphasis; but
Dettmering rocked his head, all set for haggling now.
“Let me give you a brief explanation” | therefore said with emphasis :
names, dates, numbers. Frieda hung on my lips. Here you are : the
<famous> Kénigsmark device !; “I’ve marked the spot with a slip of
paper for you” I concluded coolly (was Dr. Zimmermann ever deli-
ciously amused; they fetched the annual, and looked it up at a dis-
tance.) How had it come into our possession ? : that too, my son ! The
name <Jansen> meant nothing to him; I elucidated, considering that I
was dealing with a mere numismatist, the interconnections : “At
present, to be sure, the family lives in Schwarmstedt” (and my basilisk
eye to Frieda, sharp as the spark of an induction coil : will have to try
that out tomorrow, wonder if I can pierce a postcard with it). “Ahyes,
Herr Direktor” (Zimmermann, archly : there’s nothing finer than a
scientific tiff !) : “you’ve got yourself involved with an expert : /’ve
known Herr Eggers for years now !” (And Frieda blushed proudly : this
was her man !).
A furious smile arose upon that Caesarean profile : “Stiirenburg ‘Il be be :
side himself !” he whispered; pursed his mouth again; only the eyes
still flickered (was probably already sketching out his plan : how he
would casually show his rival his «new acquisition». A sarcastic corner
of the mouth was crooking even now). But I wasn’t about to let that
escape me ! “Stiirenburg ?” came my polite=coercive question; and
Zimmermann rubbed his nose in embarrassment : “Hmyes. Councilor
Stiirenburg.” he said indistinctly : “He’s a collector too I presume.”
(<Presume> was good : “Can you give me his address ?” Harmless. He
faltered embarrassed before the stony gaze of his guest. “Or give me
your address book here later on ?” I came to his aid : noting his sigh of
relief from the corner of my eye : so he doesn’t live in Hanover — “Or
Pll just ask around about him among coin people —’ I murmured
dreamily. He remained impassive.)
“If you acquire them : may I have a plaster copy made for the state’s collec-
tion then ?” Zimmermann asked; and with dissolute lust : “That’ll
 THE STONY HEART BH 137

make some article for our yearbook ! — It’s a basic piece of historical
evidence ! — : Fantastic !” (As he was departing; for he was now dis-
creetly leaving us alone.)
“Yes actually we only want to dispose of one at first —”. He let a snort of
protest through his nose; tucked up his lips, and negated with his
head. Considered : “If you would pledge in writing — : never to sell the
other specimen to any : one else... .” but then again decisively : “No.
Nono ! : I must either have them both : and with container and seal :
only then can their importance and origin be adequately verified !” (He
made no further mention of the <or> at all : fine; you may indeed have
them ! We didn’t want it any other way ! But on this one condition
yet — :) (He was still headshaking).
“At the same time you will have to purchase about 2 pounds of gold
coins. — We don’t want to make more than that liquid for now.” (I al-
lowed him to reach ever so briefly into the medallion sack : his tongue
went pointy several times over : Wasp Thalers !). “Naturally we’ll
have to have the money in cash : we’re simple, ignorant folk” I added
with a smile. He took my measure, biting=cold; and at once I, his,
clear=cold : one collector to the other : I had the bag, he the money. He
figured and shifted sums about among secret accounts.
And now the next shot : “Above all, we have to leave for home from the
main train station at 4:59” I informed him 4 la petit bourgeois. He just
made a single gesture of the hand, nervous and parrying : “Ill have my
car take you home : Schwarmstedt, you say ? !” and nodded curtly :
none of it an obstacle. (A king of a businessman. And so I removed the
pieces from under his nose, in which a polyp was softly twanging;
mummified them in wine-red : into the rucksack. Yes.)
“Herr-uh — : Zimmermann ? — : Could you please have a call placed for
me to the plant : to the cashier, Herr Hoyer. — And after that the Nieder-
deutsche Bank, Rathenauplatz. — : You’ll excuse me, won’t you ? !”.
Oh for that matter, we had already excused him; but : “We have to run
a few errands ourselves first.” He hesitated; he’d didn’t like the looks
of that, my wanting to dally about in the great wild world with his
medals in my briefcase. Reluctant : “Yes, how shall we arrange this ?”.
“And we still have to come to terms on the price” I said calmly (which
he appeared not to hear : Are you ever in for a surprise later on !). “Il
send my chauffeur to the train station : he can bring you out to my
place then : ?” “Yes Frieda ? :” “Aeh,” she said falteringly “if we all
manage to get theah on time —” (apparently totally confused. But the
perfect thing to do : always those little moments of retard !) He at once
pulled himself together : “Oh my dear lady !” he pleaded insistently;
138 M ARNO SCHMIDT

out of convincing baritone depths : “It’s no problem at all Lye gAnd

then settle on a time and signals for identific ation; at which point he
was summoned to the telephone.)
the
Outside : “First let’s go eat !” (And a bratwurst appetizer, if you please;
booths smelled mighty savory; I had to admit). Chewing : “Aeh,
wondah ’f it’Il wuhk ? !” “Welll — almost looks like it might” I decided
cautiously, likewise with my mouth full of juicy and brown; then
disparagingly (Thou shalt have no other gods before me, you hear !) :
“Aeh, he’s no expert !” and : “I can’t respect anyone who doesn’t col-
lect Hanoverian State Handbooks !” “Don’t al’ays take on so ‘bout
yoah State Handbooks” she rebuked me, precocious and practical :
“Y’ jist fohce up the price that way !” (Also true. But she was already
licking lips and continuing : “Say, this is fun though !”).
Shopping : beautiful large map of Cypress in the display window of
Schmorl & v. Seefeld; Famagusta and the Bay of Akrotirion. Troodos,
6593 feet : meaning, hard to shoot over; not without trajectory photos
or graphic range tables (look at that : here I was rearming too !). (At the
opticians, then, a large reading magnifier for Karl, for his Ireland=
atlas, 4!/, inches : “But don’t you let on to him, hear ?” She gave me a
devoted nod.)
“Well I’ll show you, my dear : but of course I’m coming in with you !” ;
indignant : she wanted to buy her underwear alone !
Rosy display cases all round; piles of ivory, pastel blue, and flat green :
they negotiated sotto voce. “I’m sorry ! : they don’t make strapless in
size 40.” (40 then : I proudly stroked her arm, and she nestled in em-
barrassment at the slit of my coat : “D’ y’ think I should try some things
on ?”). I suggested the tiniest panties, and the narrowest halters : “This is
not just purely your business; since . . .” The salesgirl smirked dis-
creetly into the wall. She gave a sweet blush and left me standing there.
Already twilight : red and green were glowing in the shops; we walked
along the rockface glassed in below. “Yes, the little one there : the
fireproof one.” : a steel box. (I explained to her : put the coins still left
at home in it; and maybe brick it into the cellar wall).
“What ’d he say ? : As you come out, on yoah left ?” so then from this
direction now, the corner to our right. — Waiting. — “Say — : what if he’s
reconsiduhd ? !” “Oh, then he won’t show up” I disquieted her. Shortly
before 4:30. And here it came tacking round the corner : a real live
automobile.
Great Ford, what a car ! : Karl should have seen it ! : Sea-green paintjob;
15 feet long; the window-supports grown thin as a finger. The interior
already filled with a dull yellow light : I had to say <honey> to her right
 THE STONY HEART MH 139

off. (Was the license number right ? : 4907. Yes. The pennant up front
too : the rearing white Hanover steed : as is only proper for a patriotic
collector !).
He looked at us; he asked hesitantly : “Uh — Sophia ?”. I gave one solemn
nod down to him : “Dorothy” I declared (with an out-and-out English
accent, left over from before : And in ! — Dettmering lived way outside
town, in a villa on Gehage Strasse. And so through the Eilenriede
forest.)
White and empty, the well-bred woods : “Oh ’f only this goes goood,
Waltah !” Which was why I had led him to believe that we still had
all kinds of stuff at home too. (Although it did seem somewhat risky to
me : I knew only too well what collectors are capable of, who should
know but I ? Tinius. — “Well, he’ll probably offer me a cup of tea; and
you a cognac and a havana” I consoled with my paltry joke, “Then
there’ll be 1, 2 accomplices on hand; <chemists», metal experts, to
bring the price down.” Shrugs : “— and then he’II take them.” : “Oh d’y’
think so ?”. -)
(Still inside the tribal cage : Haarmann had come from Hanover too !).
I turned to him once again : “You'll be driving us again afterwards” I in-
formed him. And militarily curt : “You know Councilor Stiirenburg,
don’t you ? —” at the name, he doffed his cap and gave a curious,
servile nod : did we belong to that clique ?. I, cross (at my own poor
memory) : “What is his address now ? : his home I mean ! — ?”
“Aeh all y’ need is : «Villa Erderworth>” he eagerly helped me out and,
when with furrowed brow I still seemed to waver, “Y’can’t miss it :
every kid in Bissendorf knows where it is !” Bissendorf then. “Erder —
Worth : Thanks.” (Biirger’s <Molly>).
Garden; foyer; carpeted halls : ah, there he sat, in the center of his web.
“Doctor Block, my head chemist : —” (a short, solicitous fat-man; with
acid flasks, pipette, his palm to his graduated measure, behind the pre-
cision balance in its little glass box : so first tame him !).
The twenty-mark pieces : | counted one hundred forty out for him : well,
does that make your pound ? He took his tables and slide rule to hand.
His slide rule ? ! : | fixed on him; I asked casually : “Haven’t you got a
multi-placed logarithm table ? : That thing” with my chin lifted toward
his plated toy “isn’t quite enough for me.” (As challenge. He smiled
elegantly; but had to admit that there was none in the house. Oh, these
applied scientists ! I arranged my facial folds into an «incredible», and
began to cocalculate.)
“What ? ! You’re assuming the fine-gold content of pistoles from the 1850s
is 90% ? ! I ponderously raised myself on both hands; he gasped
140 M ARNO SCHMIDT

pastily; retorted at once with a bulldog bark; but now I got lead-
pipe blunt : “If you know nothing about numismatics, Herr Doktor
Block ....” (And the title sneered, as if it were some social stigma !).
He promptly turned purple — but Dettmering intervened now : “97.5”
he enjoined his henchman. “Point 561” I caustically added; with the
disgusted contempt every honorable man feels when dealing with
petty swindlers. He grew solemn; reached yet again into his refer-
ence library. Black polished stillness with red-golden edges. Aha : yet
another table : it won’t read any different in there, my good man. —
Then braced himself : “Aeh quite right : 61” he admitted in defeat.
“Point 561” (to his squire at the scale : if you weigh each of them
individually, later on /’m going to rub every tenth hundred with a wet
finger !).
And back we went to splitting (sparse) hairs : Argument over rounding-
off : “A third-digit 5 will on principle be rounded down to the lower
number” with belligerently pouted mouth. And so a brief lecture on
rounding off for the Herr Doktor (and Dettmering listened as well :
these corporate barons are always interested in any potential juggling
act !).
“1.0 and 2.0 : present no rounding-off problems : they are simply whole
numbers.” (he hastily moved his lips; but then constrained himself to
courtesy) : “You cast off 1 with 1.1; and 1.9 easily becomes 2 : you can
imagine the | cast off from 1.1 as <a complement» added to the 1.9,
alright ? — In the same fashion then 1.2 and 1.8 complement one
another; 1.3 and 1.7; 1.4 and 1.6: while 1.5 stands alone by itself !”
“Tf then, you — as is admittedly your custom ! —” (he flinched : if only the
boss weren’t present, right ? !) : “round 1.5 down to the lower number
<on principle>” (derisive pause) : “then you have most decidedly dis-
turbed the equilibrium of the numbered pairs ! The counterbalance to
1.5 can only be achieved via 0.5 ! Or, respectively, 2.5. Which stand in
similar isolation.”
“One must simply establish a rule in life for such matters” (as if to a child) :
“and move <on principle» to either the closest even or odd number.”
(Dettmering furrowed his brow; still hadn’t quite got it yet. So I mag-
nanimously added the example) : “So then both 0.5 and 1.5 become 1.
While 2.5 and 3.5 become 3 : those are in both cases the closest odd
number : which / always use.” (Now the Herr Direktor had swallowed
it : he nodded, enlightened; meaning that at the next board meeting
he would, with low insistent voice, instruct his astonished stockhold-
ers. I concluded haughty and businesslike) : “So there’ll be no round-
ing down here : how shall we apply the rule in our case ? !” gave the
 THE STONY HEART @ 141

round rubber ball such a look that he danced on tiptoe with indignation,
allemande, courante, sarabande and gigue (which were then joined in-
formally by gavotte, bourrée, passepied and menuet : oh just be happy
you've learned something free of charge !). “Alright, odd then !” I
snarled before he could even answer; and Dettmering acquiesced, and
also lifted a hand calling upon us to hold to it. We went on calculating
a bit.
So, now to the medallions : “Together, Herr Direktor, they equal — : 4
pounds 8 ounces 377 grains of fine gold.” And I thoughtfully reformu-
lated it as : “seventy-two point seven, eight, five : seven, nine ounces.”
and nodded his way with such paternal approbation, oh my best pupil !,
that he heated up again.
“Thank you; you may go, Herr Block.” We bowed classy bows to one
another, like two great principles (and so the financial segment still
awaited. And battle ! : this might well be a matter of my future liveli-
hood too !).
He put his fingertips together : “Shall we not — now that we are to ourselves
— put aside the centimes : you know what gold is selling for today ?”
(What a question ! And he moved right ahead in confirmation) :
“Which would come to, summa summarum, nine thousand nine hun-
dred marks.”
Pause. “Metal value” I said laconically. He gave a deliberate nod : “I shall
make you a good offer : a round 10,000 !” I pursed my brow. I bent
forward. : “Herr Dettmering.” I said softly (no Herr Direktor; we are
all equal before the grave, gambling tables and State Handbooks !) :
“Do you know what you just said ? : for 10,000 marks you receive
9,900 marks worth of purest gold : the value of which constantly
climbs ! You therefore wish to acquire these — in the truest sense of the
word — <princely> curiosities of unique personal-historical and numis-
matic interest ! : for fifty marks a piece ? ? ! !” Using rib-cage pressure
I slowly produced a vein of anger; grew deftly more serene : I must
have mis-heard !; all-business : “I?ll make you a proposal : [ll offer
these medallions at the least to Herr Stiirenburg in Bissendorf. Or
publicly in the specialized periodicals : including foreign ones — and
whoever makes the best offer, gets them.”
He answered gingerly, his fingers arranging many a silver pen, : “But that
way you'll fall short of your primary goal : of remaining unencum-
bered by taxes.” I just laughed brashly : “The purchaser will surely
take that into consideration !” Stood up. We both reached for the jar at
the same time. “What do you suggest then ?” gruffly, to the green drap-
eries (these swine are fitted-out, like princes !)
142 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

“Twelve thousand. — And I beg you, no further haggling : I am so bad at

it !” (pleading and feigning nerves; he swallowed even that impu-
dence; and tried once more) : “Eleven.”
“Okay : Thirteen !” | said spitefully. Took the jar from his hand : closed
it ! Scraped together the weighed-out coins (and even took the risk
of opening the half-full sack : “Hold this please, Frieda !” : now it was
all in a jumble.) (But makes no difference ! : If worse comes to worse,
we'll spend the night; and go see this other sheikh tomorrow ! He was
watching my face more than my hands.)
“You can stop that.” : he bent down to one of the lower drawers (without
letting his eyes sink below the desktop). His hand brought up bundled
money. “Alright — uh ? —” “Thirteen !” I repeated with a growl. “Thir-
teen.” : in his tone lay such arrogant misanthropy that I went ahead and
played this farce too : “Are you agreed, Frieda ? — I would recommend
that you —” (once more compute it all; pause burdened with an agent's
responsibility) : “Yes : I would say : accept.” She nodded; her hand on
the heavy briquette-hued upholstery of her thigh.
Fifty hundreds. | counted them out; checked (as promised !) here and there
with a moistened index finger : “You count ’em once more too : has
to be fifty.” He mutely handed me the second packet : yes, another
fifty. And one more. (violet ones this time). And then the ten. (Pull the
strings tight on the shrunken sack again. The money into briefcase
depths.)
“And the rest of our thalers and medallions ? : We can give you a call later
sometime about those ?” He gave an expressive nod : “Yes” he said;
also : “Of course — likewise in conjunction with gold ? Good. — Wait
a moment : we had best agree on a password that will immediately
inform me — — : You identify yourself on the phone with <Leonissa
Inc., alright ? ! I shall leave instructions that I can be reached per-
sonally at any time.” (clever mitigation) : “Or my deputy.” (He just
couldn’t let the tricks alone !).
“Send in Hilfers !” : he swept the coins into the desk drawer; turned the
lock. Screwed at the jar — : and all of a great sudden stuck it into his
pants pocket (keeping his hand over it).
“Hilfers ? : You’re to drive the lady and gentleman to Schwarmstedt ! And
afterwards .. .” (he got softer; whisperwhisperwhisper; “’ssir, Herr
Direktor !” hadn’t he hissed some sibilants ? !).
Cash down : there lay the moon penny in the bottomless slush of the
sky, muddy, as if more than just One had slogged across it (whether
heads or tails was no longer discernable). : “To the Schwarmstedt train
station : please.”
 THE STONY HEART H# 143

She sat very close against me, her crude clever head filled with many
thoughts (I know, I know ! But I just didn’t want to; moi on the other
hand. Hell, day before yesterday still in meditatione fugae !)
Icy roads as far as Essel : | searched once more in my wallet : — Well ? ! —
—: Ah here : wonderful ! (The guy earned 500 a month at least : maybe
I’d give him a little something too ? !)
I tip-tapped him patronizingly on the shoulder as I unscrewed myself,
pointing discreetly at the 4 shiny silver flecks ! (and he respectfully
tugged at his cap bill : would get a shock afterwards, when he found
those East-zonal 5=pfenning pieces !). (Presumably, however, would
also hazard the guess — as one among others — that I made the mistake
of thinking I was giving him Western fifties : but then if he doesn’t

“Without yoah know-how we wouldn’t ’ve got neahly as much !” : She

rummaged her temples against me (and kisses in the compartment : this
was new to her, and she sucked greedily; moi swelled, vainglorious
tom-turkey). “And you wuh the one that found ’em !” I waited som-
berly : soon she would have proved that most of it really belonged to
me : and since I belonged to her.....
“Hey : ord’ y’ think we ought t’ build maybe ? ! : Kahl and Lina can have
the old house t’ themselves !” I surrendered slowly : sooner or later I'd
have to end up residing in the Kingdom of Hanover anyway.
th tbe ‘nd t’morrow —:” “Tomorrow ?” TL asked weakly. : “T’ morrow we’ll
ordah that cahd catalog o’ yoahs !” she decided, happy=merciless (and
I sank back deeper into myself : Ahlden did lie centrally enough after
all ! — “And we’ll buy us a tandem, oh Waltah, it’s so healthy : ‘nd ride
round to all the pahrish offices !”. And here came the first vision :
heath; sun; a hard bike path under birch flutterings; up front her strap-
ping rearend, upon which the elastic thighs are working; whenever we
wanted — and she wanted often indeed — we would turn off to the left
into the woods. “Y’ got everything ? !” she was unflaggable since this
morning !). —
From the poor window pane it stared at me, the grimacing white face
(moon); when I stepped to the right, it sardonically inflated a cheek :
so, knock again.
Lina, Hintze in her arm : “I’ve made a coupla sandwiches.” Needless to
say, just the thing ! But I also opened a big supplementary can of liver-
wurst, home-made. In the stove, the flameworkings too. A little yellow
moustached head appeared frequently in protest above the tabletop,
and I gave him a regular glob of liverwurst : “To celebrate the occa-
sion !” Highly embarrassed confession : “He smithereened a cup !”
144 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

Lina had decided to register with the mayor as well — “Ah, no reason for
you to have done that !” — and had got involved in a conversation with
him about the other refugees in town : “Next to the school lives a
woman from Lauban : does she ever have the gift 0’ gab !” and excit-
edly told about the big convention in Hildesheim last August (this was
the official <sponsor city>. They had dallied endlessly, and promised
each other new visits.)
“Oh yah : and listened to the radio a lot” she had; worried : “The way they
abuse the East Zone here !” it kept her mouth moving for a long time :
it didn’t please her at all. Now a fat yellow shadow appeared beside her
ear, and took two tight walks around her head; then looped into her
very shallow lap, and metamorphosed into a purring fur disk. (Since, as
patient passing alien, she inquired about nothing, Frieda began the re-
port of our journey, all higgeldy-piggeldy; main point : “It wuhked ! :
Aeh and then theah was Waltah ! : —’ With some trouble, success in
persuading her to go to bed : “Ten thousand : if it'd been muggins me,
I'd ’ve done it : but Waltah —’. I begged her anew from the door; but
she announced firmly : “If it hadn’t been foah you, we’d have three
thousand less now ! — Oah nothin’ at all for that mattah !”" she con-
cluded stormily.)
“Did you build a fire too ? !” : sternly to Lina; but she cleverly shook
her head : “I had it warm enough the whole time here in the kitchen.”
(And so up the steps, fumy footman, with a shovel full of embers; she
was still protesting as her stove began to rumble like Karl’s motor : I
pointed out the resemblance to her, and caught off guard, she fell
silent.) “Of course there’s no fire up in my room either ? — Nono :
that’s fine !” I calmed her. And : “Good night, Miz Hiibner. — By the
way” (smiling) : “what did you dream about your first night here ?”
She dismissed it with melancholy : “Oh just about Silesia —” she
muttered, repulsively closed her mouth too, so that she looked tooth-
less, shabby, ancient. (I lowered my eyes at my own foolish question :
I should have thought of that myself actually : your second exile
reminds you of your first. But she gave me a consoling hand good-
night.)
“Have y’ got the briefcase with y’ ? —” : there she stood. She sat down on
the edge of the bed and sang to me : “Aeh I am soooo tihd. — And it’s
cold in heah !”.
(Finger hooked in byssus and abyssus : she was already sucking evenly at
the atmosphere. Then yet once more, from body depths : “Y’ know. In
a yeah oah two, we’ll be livin’ without a cahr in the wuhld.”). (In the
White Mountains. Of her bosom.). —
 THE STONY HEART MH 145

Jumped up (from dreams of mail carriers, morose=friendly, who held

parcels out to me, and demanded at length their 30 pfennigs postage-
due : were index cards in them ? The firm’s red prepayment stamp
seemed to confirm it.) But jumping up : Frieda too was holding onto
the crooked railing of my arm. : ?-—:?!:!! “Listen, somebody’s
inside the house !”. (Coat on and down).
And indignation through the nose ! : there he sat, Hussy Scalawag, our
fatty fancy Hintze, and looked at us expectantly. Also raised, so that
no doubts might arise as to his intentions, one paw, and scratched
ostentatiously on the kitchen door : the liverwurst can was in there !
He danced with delight before us into the warm angular shadows.
The second nightshirt appeared in the door : Lina. Beshevelled hair grew
grotesquely from her head-tuber. “The noise, I — in case thieves —” and
looked away abashed : who knows what she might have just disturbed
us doing in the cozily heated kitchen ? I pointed obligingly to the lick-
smacking disturber of the peace, and she rushed over to him : “Ah here
you are ! —I was looking all over for him before; I thought he’d run
away — or got lost ! (sympathetic; and the wicker-wiry fingers were
combing the prodigal son again now nonstop : “Ah, did he raise such
arumpus ? !” She apologized : “I’m sure he was afraid.” Hintze ? : with
that beard ? !) ,
Rurrrr : burrrr : he putred to perfection and with no visible effort : rurrrr :
burrrr. Our sleepy faces glued to the walls. Lina made larger than usual
by her onkos : a white oval on black heart of hair. In comparison to
them I was dressed like the Prince of Wales. (None of us could go back
to sleep; and they pricked up their ears when I suggested a nocturnal
walk. “We three shall meet again here in 5 minutes !”’). —
Nightwatch (neither Rembrandt nor Spitzweg).
But : light paltried above the snow, setting us in relief. Barbwire froze,
dreadfully tense, to our sorrow. The moon leapt along from gable to
gable; among radio stars.
Only the streetlamps were still awake : we, seekers of counsel, from the
Princess of Ahlden. And above the chateau hung the moon’s old coat-
of-arms. We couldn’t get in, because lawyers had locked it : we've
indeed district courts enough : but the chateau of Ahlden is one-of-
a-kind ! They can build barracks for 60 billion if they want : but the
blockheads let this go to ruin ! We leaned against one another with
wide-open eyes : if only there were at least a couple of able-bodied lads
available to hack down those two flagpoles !
“Hey !” ; Frieda had had a blessed notion; she pointed shyly with her
knuckles; she whispered : “It’s a gift from the Princess !” (also added,
146 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

to augment the poesy of the notion, the words “so speak”. Then
more zealous) : “They could go right ahead ’nd lock huh up back
then : while huh husband cahried on a whole lot wuhse !” And Lina
nodded menacingly on my other side : Alliance of Women ! (But that
was in fact a new, and perfectly justifiable aspect : the Princess as
martyr for women’s equal sexual rights. I was reminded of Engels’s
<Origin of the Family> : and right he was ! : women had been forced
into monogamy, while men went right ahead cunningly polygamizing :
things can’t go on like that forever !)
Perhaps ours was the right way ? : that in the course of your life, you have
to fuse body and mind with 2 or 3 individuals of the opposite sex;
slowly and one after the other, obviously (not the way the whorehouse
fantasy of the babbitts imagines it right off !). They nodded intensely :
“Till you’ve found the right one” Frieda said with satisfaction :
“Young guhls get mahried much too early ’nd much too fast : y° haven’t
got the vaguest whethah you’ll be able to live with yoah fuhst husband
foah what may be decades. ’t’s very seldom the case. — Most get mahried
cuhsin’ all the way : ’cause it’s happened !”
And so at least the <First Marriage> should be a trial one : 5 years of liv-
ing in the most conjugal closeness, but for reasons of state, making
sure that no children can perpetuate the relationship into a groaning
eternity. After 5 years, then, each may evaluate and decide if it is to
continue. Or if he wants, to make a second attempt : this second time,
the choice — backed up by the experiences of the first instance — would
presumably turn out — I grant, only in theory — more satisfactorily;
would be entered into more cautiously. The woman would now know :
whether she needs a <hot> man; whether she would like to (and is able
to) employ her mind during her leisure time : in which case she can
only choose an intellectual.
“And there’s to be no housekeeping !” the two spoke in chorus; but rather
communal kitchens, sewing parlors and centralized laundries : with
just those, the marital household would be relieved of numerous little
reasons for arguments : “Happens so often, the man comes home : <he
wants to». And theah y’ ahr in the middle o’ the drabbest, greasiest
clean-up !” (Frieda, accusing; then confidential) : “And you'd love to
yoahself !”. Pause. Work out the «New Order>. Then eagerly : “Oh say,
“nd then yestuhday —” (with increasing amazement) : “oh, that was
only jist today, my ! : Pff ! —: in those ahkives theah : I’ve al’ays been
so tehribly int’rested in that soht a thing, y’ know !” (shook her head,
blissfully stunned by herself, both feet on moonshine : it had taken
41 years for her to discover her scientific streak. And I thoughtfully
 THE SToNY HEART HB 147

gnawed my mouth’s mucous membrane : might be <hereditarily af-

flicted> after all, might she not ? By way of her grandfather Jansen :
was perfectly possible ! And cursed again : the way I was trying to
sugarcoat it !)
The long grated bridge there on our left began to rattle; a somber four-
wheeler crept across; and made a sharp turn and snored at us from be-
hind. Sanctimoniously batted its yellow eyes (the snow melted golden
there), and bore from its enameled hip our divine child : Hoppenstedt !
Hoppenstedt, totally confused : “What are you still doing here ? !” Recog-
nized femininity, ducked his worm-eaten bow, and cursed us with his
god’s greetings.
The broad moon shimmered; the chill tried to clamp off our fingers. I spoke
with painstaking voice : “Won’t you please show us the portrait ?”
He took great fright. — Then it seemed to him opportune to make the
heroic=depraved decision : still on the stairs he looked around tri-
umphantly : hahaha : no Philistines among us, are there ? !
There she gazed from the wall, Sophia Dorothea, the South Sea beauty :
with broad shoulders and splendid bosom vaultings : they were almost
naked ! Starworts in her curly mane. The full kindly eyes looked firmly
at us, her right hand held a wreath at the ready : To which of us would
she toss it ? —
We took nary an eye away from the figure, forever blossoming (until her
face flickered : Hoppenstedt began wearily to waver with the light.
Interest Davin tomorrow : in taking a photograph of her, and adding
it to his collection. An admiring Frieda compared the facsimile signa-
ture : just like the one she’d seen this morning !)
“And our best thanks, Herr Doktor — : No, we want to converse yet some-
what concerning immortality” I politely lied. <Immortality> ? : Hells-
bells : he would probably have loved to listen in on that ! On the other
hand, Madame was surely waiting even now upon her pillow of state :
perhaps today was indeed the day of the week scheduled for it, and
he dared not debilitate himself unnecessarily. (His fire was spent.
Ne’ertheless : I pressed his hand in appreciation, and promised future
learned dialogs : “I’ve just returned from another visit to the state
archives in Hanover.” He came back down with us, to tether the car to
its manger.)
“Life’s your sentence ? Spent quick as tenpence !” Hoppenstedt recoiled :
while I uttered this in a strong voice, all arc lamps went out apoplectically;
near and far. At once the moon moved in closer. Neighbor Ucalegon.
Way home : the snowwhite disk of earth; with black jagged edge. “Yes” I
confirmed testily : “you can have some effect for a few hundred years.”
148 M ARNO SCHMIDT

wanted
(But the ladies were all set for infinity; especially Lina, who
to know if one day she would see Ringelnatz in cat heaven, and above
all her beloved little Topper : born early May 1952, died on 26 August
1954 : in these hands.)
Quick rebuff : “I am of the opinion that the individual disintegrates in
death, both body and mind.” (What’s this about <Conservation of En-
ergy> ? ! : here, I'll hold out a handful of powder to you : was this
Strasburg Cathedral, or Great Caesar turned to dust & ashes ?) “Then
we have Wieland’s notable «Euthanasia» hypothesis, where he demon-
strates that, even presupposing some sort of continuation, the memory
of this past life would vanish : so that what you call <I> is lost in any
case : once again, not what you wanted !”
Eternal ? : “Do you want an eternal memory of those Polish heroes ?: Just
be happy that at some point you'll be allowed to take a big gulp from
the Lethe.” They were not particularly happy, those voices from the
dark; but calmed down quickly enough at the courageous suggestion :
first job’s to live ! “And the preachers know even less about it: how-
ever solemnly they sham it !” (These people with their shitty soul :
they’d be better off to worry about doing some reasonable work; and
about seeing that everybody’s got a decent pair of pants to cover his
ass !)
(Then a mental rightboutface : out of these favorite thematic swamps, into
the splendid right-angled history of the half-timbering at hand : Here,
more or less, stood Melcher Cord’s house, in which between 8 and 9
o’clock on the evening of 20 April 1715, — on Easter eve of all things !
— the great fire broke out. Almost the whole hamlet was destroyed. And
the blame lay with : one of the soldiers transferred here to stand guard,
who was carrying an open lantern while fumbling around in his straw
bed. The princess, always magnanimous and helpful to her Ahldeners,
immediately took several dozen of the homeless into the chateau with
her. In thanks, she got several endless investigations : whether she
might not have wanted to use this to prepare and disguise her flight ? !
“You saw the stacks of documents this morning, Frieda.” They gave
candid expression to their outrage : | mean, the way they had treated
that woman !) —
From the kitchen door (1 had just come back downstairs) : “Waltah knows
ev’rything !” I heard Frieda sternly declare; Lina had made her lower
lip thick and was nodding imperceptibly to herself.
Deepest night : “Let’s have a look at what we can get on the radio ?” : the
red beam slowly stroked the scale. — All Europeans had fallen silent;
only RIAS gave loud inappropriate bellows : “Speaking in protest for
 THE STONY HEART # 149

all Germans, the Bundes...” (Y’ think so! : You sure don’t have my
authorization ! Nor does Wiirmeling either. Then <Suva : for us it’s a
detergent; in Switzerland an insurance company; thirdly, a South Sea
island : what all does a fellow need to know ? !).
But here now : at 468 ! : eerie high and deep voices, very soft, only audible
with your mouth open. After long squeaky music he named his name as
well :
Here : The immense distance in the atlas : Peking ! We laughed at each
other in delight, and continued on our station hunt (first read it off ex-
actly with the magnifying glass, and jot it down; “for Karl”; “go on !’.)
“Qoohhh !” : Piece by piece we went through the stations along the east
coast of the USA : “Over there it’s now — 2 a.m. here — then it’s about
8 in the evening !”; our 3 heads lay steadily against the front of the
receiver.
Once more from the top : quite carefully and slowly : at 288 the Brasilian
from Sao Paolo hissnasaled. 355 : Teheran waterpiped (but he was the
softest, you could barely make out the hafisy flispers). 435 : a garru-
lous Cuban with unspeakably fast fading. (Then Damascus, 451; and
Cairo, 483).
“Now try long-wave, Waltah !” :; I let Frieda dial on her own Dialing.
“No” (only cool whistling, teeny monotone), Ha ! : Here ! : “Knud
korovtchik brshentztvo krassnipoya....” : ? — “D’ you understand
anything ?” : with furrowed brow, Lina had pushed in closer and was
making her face small : -——: “News. Broadcast.” : the Siberian long-
wave station Irkutsk at wavelength 1500 ! And taking a closer look,
they all showed up : Tashkent at 1181; Alma=Ata 1640; Novosibirsk :
“1102 : point 9.”; Krasnojarsk and Jakutsk : the Russians were bustling
in the depths of the universe ! (And inside my poor skull as well, all the
rain-veils I’d ever been through were roiling about together, with drip-
ping woods, gray-seasoned tenement towers; graveled local trains;
through the Niagara of book bindings; soaped love, belched schnapps :
Andalsnes, Maidenhead, Colmar and Kalisz : why did it titillate me
so ? They still kept on whispering cross the Barents Sea.)
“Yes, it’s time wefinally went to sleep : and starting tomorrow it’s vacation
for everybody” : with labored cheeks, Lina again pressed a hand into
her stomach : after 2 schnapps it stopped.
Lying behind her (and she sat in me, as if in a armchair) : it’s 5000 feet
deep, Lake Baikal, and there’re seals in it. Outside the night was still
saber-tigering. Yet once more, a tired little voice before me, from
remote Tula : “Ohwaltahitsgonnabe daaan — dy.” (breathed its call
letters regularly : this concludes the news. Allround fading.) —
150 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

the
Unexpected=red the awakening : she marveled at the morning from
tically) :
thinly iced window : “Ohlookathat !” (and shivered enthusias
keen and steel-blue the sky; several long color couples were still lying
about in it : one, athletic, stood alone again now : “Aurora with her
napkin of clouds.” (She immediately looked down below ——: ?:
“Tucked in at her neck, of course ! — I mean, Frieda ! pff !”. And go
downstairs with her).
Pallid sun above speckled fields : “You can pick up the rolls o’ film, ’nd
bring back a new 1 : so we can take some pitchahs latah !” : they were
cleaning the fat haddock rump, in concert; draped it over the braising
pan; each knew an even more exquisite pinch of spice. (A farmer
dawdled past, 8 horse legs made intricate netting — until finally, then, it
was all deposited in hoof tracks, and you learned a thing or two more :
first and foremost, to let them go ahead a bit !).
Back again; sit there; stare; an excuse of a book on the iron grate of my
fingers : the saucepan shrieked on the stove; the clock hacked time;
“Haven’t y’ ohdahed yoah cahd cabinet yer ? ! : Just thinka the huge
amounta wuhk !” (and as if in reproach : she needs to tell me that ! I put
on my otter hat, extra : to combat dizziness ! “Say, looks goood on
you ! !”. That too !)
The coal van : first of all I gruffly drove off Lina, who wanted to help stack;
and then Frieda too : leave me alone ! (When I came back in, I saw them
in front of the large mirror, trying on brassiers, both with naked torsos,
in sisterly entanglement; Frieda had just promised a strapless for
Lina’s 32 B. They nestled in pinky, and girded themselves unabated.)
In the yard : watch out, close-up ! : f-stop 16 ——TI laid yardsticks with my
eyes as far as the dames (then subtracted 10%, as <private equation»;
I’m always overestimating). Sighted first ostensibly only as a trial
run : click ! : “Haehae : got it !”; they encircled me with indignation.
Advance the film : “Yes, as soon as Karl’s here, we'll shoot one with
all four of us in it. Use the delayed-action.” “And we’ ve def’nitely got
t’? go into the <Bottoms> : theah’ah oak trees in theah 400 yeahs old !
And hehrons in summah !” (Frieda); but I proved to her that for pre-
cisely that reason ’twould be best to go in summer, right ? !
The chauffeur, rimed beard, as if he were the King of Nova Zembla : Lina
admitted to him of her own accord that she could double up for the
pain : “Here !” (she whimpered and rubbed the pit of her stomach : !).
Another schnapps then ? ?. she shook at the thought of the <infernal stuff>.
And suddenly turned alarmingly white, “Ge bamim !”, and vomited her
entire lovely breakfast into it : the liverwurst still fragrant. Hintze sat
lamenting on the arm of the couch. We had to rip off all her clothes; her
 THE STONY HEART #151

frail body grew visible now; “Git pillows ’nd blankets !” : it was some-
what better, allthesame ! “With every faith in Christ’s blood and the
covenant... .” —
“Bettah give Frau Doktah Schulte in Schwahmstedt a call : I al’ays go to
huh !” Karl flitted out aroaring; and meanwhile we anxiously held
those limp hands. “And then we’ll take her right up to bed, okay ? !”.
I stirred and fanned the fire upstairs. Karl burst in : “She’ll be heah in
ten minutes !” (We then gathered about her bed; shoved her table over
to her; laughed encouragement to her, hanging there gratefully in her
pillows. Yes indeed, we also packed Hintze around her feet.) And since
there was no point in eating, we began our
Four-Power Conference : first a brief description of the day past for Karl.
Then communal reckoning : 13,000 in D-marks; and 25,000 in metal
reserves : “That'll increase in value with time, moreover.”
To whom did it belong ? ? — Frieda said weakly : “Waltah. : If it hadna been
for Waltah : we nevah woulda found it ! And yestuhday he squeezed
out an extrer 3000 : Waltah !”. / Karl : “Lina ! : if Lina hadn’t come :
we'd nevah evah ’ve thought of doin’ anythin’ with that junk room !” /
Lina softly : “Karl ? : after all he is —” (very embarrassed, indistinct) :
“the head of the household — ?” / Frieda was already resolutely making
4 heaplets of 3250 each. They looked at me) :
I laid my hand on her arm; \ calmly said : “Frieda ! — : It was her ancestors
who saved ’nd saved that money for well over a hundred years : are
you saying that they piled coin upon coin for strangers like us ? ! — So
enough sophistries.” At once they nodded in contrition, and prevented
her from further divvying : shyster tricks don’t exist for real people !
(She was the true center; white, heavy, magna mater, the preserveress
of the world. And I nodded more grimly again : was roughly as I had
imagined it ! There was no escaping now. She yielded after brief, in-
tense consideration : “But. . .”)
“The doctah ! : Git ridda the money !” : here she was now, “G'day Frau
Thumann”, medium sized in her trim dark-green leather coat, the firm
lipsticked mouth had the symptoms described to it. — “Aha ! Cabbage ! :
And the bacon was very fat, right ? : that’s 2 items right there !”
Then the thermometer : “Ye=es : in the rectum, in the rectum.” Waiting. :
99.2 ! She smiled doubtfully.
So deeply did she reach into the soft belly, with the practiced hands of the
professional midwife, that Karl grabbed my arm in terror —: “So. And
when I release now, tell me exactly where it hurts ! : ?”. The urchin was
now no longer pointing at the pit of her stomach, but in fact at the
sparse border of her pubic hair : !
152 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“That’s it | :”; she got up for her medical bag; decisively : “The appen-
dix ! — If it had had been 3, 4 tenths higher, we’d have had to cut open
that tummy yet today noon !”. Rummaging : “I don’t know — whether
I’ve still got any — — I had a delivery in Eickeloh — —”
At the bed again, her prescription pad in hand : “You're menstruating at
the moment, right ? — : Yes, it can easily be the case that during your
period there’s an increased tendency for painful attacks : do keep
an eye on that ! — Once you know the interval, you can take fantas-
tic preventive measures !” She scribbled and slowly tore it off : Karl
was already running off with the prescription for belladonna sup-
positories : “Oh that’s right : your pharmacy’s just .. . .”. (And the
Maid of the East’s blood pressure was too high as well : “and there’s a
tiny valvular defect. : which means no alcohol, no coffee, no spicy
foods !’)
The diet in detail : in the next few days, white bread and margarine. (Later
then, of course, butter, if possible !). “Above all no pork, no cabbagy
vegetables or legumes. — Fruit, sure : in any case, keep your bowel
movements nice and regular” (<nice>. Remedied by mild remedies :
Carlsbad salts. Lina received the dietary regulations calmly : her stom-
ach had been trained in Eastern temperance !).
“And please ! : at least for the next 8 days : ab=so=lute sexual abstention !”
and gazed sternly at : me ! ! Karl had the gall to start making reproach-
ful eyes and to mutter (but then he simply had to leave : you could hear
the bastard choking with laughter out in the hall !) —
Alone again, the Four Powers again : despite the diet, we would tend our
maiden till she was nice and plump ! Gradually our conversation re-
sumed its direction; we were perched around the conference table
again. (“Nah : don’t notice anything at all now !” ; Lina, inside whom
a suppository had resided for the past 5 minutes. Her relaxed gaze
scanned out the window through the spun web of treetops; Karl dili-
gently added coal.)
So we'll not build ? ? “But then we’ll divide the house ! : you upstaihs, us
down. Or vicer verser : whatevah y’ like.” (Frieda) : “Waltah and Lina
"Il move in foah good...” that set the thin brown girl in motion.
“Noo : I’ve got t’ go back.” she declared; and : “Nono :just in case Silesia
ever does get returned peaceably : the East Zone ‘Il get it. And not the
West.” (inflexible) : “I can hear only too well what’s goin’ on here !
Once you’ve rearmed, Germany’Il be divided forever !” (concluding) :
“Nono : I want to go back to Silesia.” (For her, then, Silesia. For me,
the State Handbooks. For the chauffeur, Lina. And for Frieda, moi=
me : each has his hobbyhorse.)
 THE STONY HEART # 153

For her consideration : “Just let a new Berlin blockade happen ! : the toll is
supposed to be raised again soon : what with the ratification, the East
Zone is going to have to barricade itself in purely for self-preserva-
tion !” : “Or when Karl gets old & gray ? !” —. —: “Then I’ll reconsider”
she said in disbelief. (She’s right too : in our grenade-laden West Ger-
many nobody’s gonna get old & gray !).
And here the counterproposal (and, at first unconvinced, but then reflec-
tive, I pursed my all-too-high brow) : “Knocke’s : are selling their
lovely massive stone cabin next month ! Fully equipped : water,
‘lectricity; cellar under half of it : for 4000 East. In cash.” (That would
be 800 West) : “460 square feet of living quarters; plus a little shed
besides !” she turned eagerly to me, and I remembered now. Even Karl
was warming up : it could happen that we would all have to slip off to
the East someday ! If the spirit here got any more mephitic : Oh Lord,
by this time he stinketh ! “Or you two to the West !” : agreed ! We men
shook hands over the table. (Merry=calm Frieda, was now counting
out the 800 —: another 200 on top of it : “Foah intehriah renovations.
Oah addin’ a tile stove.” And waved every thank-you aside : “Nah: it’s
the right thing t’ do: y’ nevah know what’s gonna happen : this way
we ve al’ays got some-place.”)
Fits right in with the story of Lina’s inheritance, doesn’t it ? ! : “But don’t
convert in Hanover : the exchange there pays 10% less !” (Sure : it had
been warm and shady in Berlin too. And the people go contentedly
about their work, without worrying about God & Hitler generals. I
traveled the green suburbs; lead a simple quiet life there, and let the
politicians drivel on. Go off to work regularly; something ready and
waiting every evening; people only smile at literature.)
“But a bath and toilet ahr gonna git installed : today !”; Frieda propped
herself up detuhmined : “And I'll divide the rest up cahrful-like : we
want t’ live well and secuhr.” Gazed straight and far ahead, and nod-
ded, the Lady of Hosts : ! (Forty thousand marks under this manage-
ment ? : That meant at least 10 more years of learned idleness ! Which
meant I would bring my furniture here before Christmas yet; desk,
wardrobe, and my couple crates of books. I can bring a present for
Frieda along with me when I’m coming through Hanover on the final
leg of the move. Build those house-models as well; just for fun; under
them green cardboard for a lawn — or would that get her thinking too
much about building ? Consider that one again.)
“What’s the Pahty gone ’nd written on its bannah ?” (Karl, baffled before
the wide-open radio) : “sexual fulfillment foah all citizens ? !” (<So-
ciab, man ! And he, in disappointment : “Aeh thataway.”) — Official
154 M ARNO SCHMIDT

registration of my move yet. And quickly attend to it all : then in the

meantime the carpenter can build my card cabinet ! (Tirol=Vorarlberg
had the cheek to serve up a radio play of «Gordon Pym» : the fellows
spoke such dialect it sounded like a parody ! : “It putts mi sooo in
maind a ma poooa ol’ mama —”).
“And latah on I’ll make : <Thinnah than beams : thickah than planks> :
punch !” : we had agreed upon a quiet little celebration just in our
closest circle, around Lina’s bed. Hintze would be stuffed with sausage
and laid at her feet. The innocent thought struck Karl : “Some o’ those
Crimean strawbehries : she’s s’posed t’ eat lotsa fruit !”. “And then
Waltah ’ll read somethin’ int’restin’ to us every evenin’ !:” Frieda,
hungry for an education; even the Two Others were highly agreeable :
Lina was resting so prettily; and Karl was able to sit beside her, his
mouth full of sweet smoke, his tummy taut-full of strawberries. (And
so Cooper, <Conanchet>; that interests everyone. And I surrendered
myself to it as well : life’s your sentence ? spent quick as tenpence !
“And now, mesdames et messieurs : naught but a com=pre=hen=sive
afternoon nap !”).
(Wonder if I ought to include the first group of State Handbooks now as
well : the ones from 1737 to 1803 ? Would be a meritorious deed, since
those volumes have no index at all ! Definitely a hundred thousand, at
least ! She was just back from the jakes; ran her head into my heart;
groaned : “I’m jist sooo happy ! !”).
“I’ll help you every day (evenin’ ?) for a coupla houahs. Oah of a mornin’ :
if y’ prefuh !. — And I'll ex-cerrpt all the pahrish registahs.” (she
concentrated and spoke the elegant word correctly. Gently : “He” (her
father) “woulda been so happy : t’ have part of it spent on his beloved
Hanovah.”).
(Upstairs : she teased me tenderly : “You’ah not s’posed to foah 8 days
yet !” (Effortless, aided by smooth white breasts : I took the short
valve-tips into my mouth and blew them up thicker. Left; one after the
other : right. — Successful. — She pulled my arm around her and fell
asleep.)
((Should I perhaps have them tinted different colors ? : Military red, forest
green, finance yellow; clergy blue (since black won’t work) ? — But
things changed ! : how often did an officer move over to the govern-
ment in the very next annual ? : And there I'd sit !)).
B
uM VONDOCKS
 ee

my ines
ee;

——
ian @ Stat ane
vv ume 2 Oe A SeAe

Pe jack? » tee i,

c i ¢ Me ean ihe
=
7]
a) ete Ge » Ces
The scene for pivotal segments of the volume at hand — as per-
suasively stated on pg. 162, line 36 — is the moon in the year
1980. The interspersed earthly passages are adapted, the author
indicates, from the folkways of Bavarian life; inasmuch, how-
ever, as he knows neither that region, nor the dialeckt of its in-
habitants, and is likewise notorious for his aversion to mountain
peoples, and particularly as he wishes to preclude any localiza-
tion, all events and persons observed there have been relocated
for purposes of camouflage to a region north of the lower
Weser River, west of a line Scheessel=Gross Sittensen= Hollen-
beck=Kutenholz=Himmelpforten=Assel. —
In consequence, per authorial request, the following proviso is
appended:
a) Persons attempting to find herein a <resemblance to real
persons or places» will be sentenced to prison for no less
than 18 months.
b) Persons attempting to construe <slander, blasphemy, et.
al.» will be banished.
c) Persons attempting to smell out <plot’ or <moral>, or in-
deed to perceive herein a <work of art» will be shot.

BARGFELD, 10 March 1960

OFFICE OF INDIVIDUAL RIGHTS
(signed : D. Martin Ochs)
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Nought Noone Nowhere Ne’er ! : Nought Noone Nowhere Ne’er ! :
(the threshing machine interferattled constuntly, no matter what
we might say & think. So better just site=see.)
“ks amazin’. —”; and her foot slipshod to point rite=there : a
drudge raised 1 arm; (so presumably | fist fore=most) : at once
1 chain rippled in exentanglement. / (And the air between Us &
Him smircht gray with drizzle, smircht yellow with chaff; (out
of which the points of 2 superlifesized cones had now formed; :
“Wigwams of Selenites.”; and still it did shower upon them; and
scatterdusting clamor and mutter.).) / The gray mush of the
earth. Wide-ranging rack=wagons, spelt & awn full; at first long
in standing; then the first one did its danse macabre gone=
round=the=corner. / The naked black-boned trees; stead of foli-
age, long straw in their captivating branches — : she groped her
sketchpad from her pocket; and memorandummed the fabric
pattern. (Farmerings in the background; but might justicewell
*ve been cats, braving the machines, ambushing <their> mice.
Chickens. Barn walls of planks rained black; the skullery of
bricks. A woodpile of dark twisted roots, (small; hence of froot
trees.) — : CHICKENWIRE ! / : “That’d work as a garment : for
farmwives over the stove : INEZ keeps her mind on BUSINEZ.”
“'nd how d’ you support y’self ? !” she demanded brutally. /
And the crow, waving past above, came to her aid of course; and
the cold sweat of earth below as well. To be sure; I, too, must
draw the lines, life sentence : so-called «Graphic Inventory Con-
trol : mymymymymy ! / Here the background grew murkier
still. (Or were my glasses simply fogged over again ? Checking,
rotate head — : ? — : Nope; Not=I; nix scum mold. Common-
ordinary bloodypoetic fog.) / (Meanwhile also explain <spelt> :
“You=Silesians would’ve called it emmer; 1’s as yellow as
t’other.” Ohsovery murky.)
And that long straw in the branches : “Only natural that we’ve
grown accustomed to these quivering green disklets..... i:
“Purest custom.”, she prompted me ironically. And the harsh
crow above critiqued me forthwith : “Cad; cad=cad !”. And
160 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

even my own face screwed up at my lack of fantasee. ~ *druther

not be able to make a face like that.” she said chastely. “Then
just keep staring at Cromwell, sweetheart !”; (for 3 days now
she had been reading — and, as usual, revering — the biografee
for her <Book Club»; the paunch of a book lay even now in the
IsETTA, behind the luggage-loge : for that, I had had to forego
my ESSENTIAL JAMES Joyce ! And I gave her yet another fierce
nod : !.) / (Now my ears began to ring be=sides : in exactly the
throbbing tone of that circumjostling inequipage. )
“C’mon. Change coarse.” — For now to the East. (Immaterial.
But not entirely immaterial.)
Rotted fields. (But not entirely rotted : whirrrr partridges took
wing ! / <Nawt Nowon Nowair Nair» the mechanicall whined
still close on Our tale. / Her high heels groused in the juice. “It’s
raining ? : Perhaps ‘tis I who does it. : Lessing.”)
Enamel 1 implement toxic-green & garish-red : and to the Ger-
man farmer ’twill be sac=red : “10 Oxen + | farmer = 12 head of
live=stalk : Morike !” / : “Puritanical & bleak, honey ? Here ? —
a) : Says you of all people ! — b) None o’ your so-called <riant
landscapes» for me !”. — (To snails without house we said :
“Well; snail ?”; to those with house : “May I help you ? Mr.
Snail ?” — we’d been forced to be renters too long to have any
backbone in the matter.) —
“Daman, this is boring !— Han’ me today’s BILD.” / It happened
to contain the invaluable Russian fotograf of the moon’s back-
side, nuttin’ but <LOMONOSOY> and <TSIOLKOVSKY> : “’Zounds
Osservatore Romano & Krasny Flot !”. / Her beret top=side
remained motionless; but her cape veried its form in the wind.
(Naked & with | sunflower in the hair. Love to see y’ like that.
But it’s not the rite seizon for it now. : “Nope.” came her
ironsided=roundheaded cunfirmation. <Head Affixt to Female
Figure>.)
“Damn is this boring.” — (And there she stould beside a thistle,
tall as 1 woman. The customerry invisible gossamer pasted
crackling o’er her bit 0’ brow.)
: “Lookathat —!” : so slackly did | black bird fall onto its bough :
so immediately did 2 brown leaves mothwing downward. She
trampled, unknowing, her own trax; with her own foot; one can
do that of course. (And somehow I had the feeling my rump was
moist’ning : am I gettin’ hemorrhoids alreddy ? ! — To be sure,
they adorn the learned man; but a simple inventory controller ?
 5 OONDOCKS @ 161

would not people’s immediot responts be that he’s getting too

big for his britches ?)
Hillahay before the wood’sedge : “Picture it : war; nd 3 nights
up=there.” (Obedient, I pictured it. / She picked up an=other
leaf; mutely held it out to me; and I plattitudinized : “Each 1 can
be venerable : as the deathbed of a beetle.” She mourned a little.
And then re=quited the fancy with a motion of her hand.)
“Damn, ain’t it ever boring !” / At the same time her interest
was now caught up in following the rabbit as it hobbled away;
before we entered the wood’sedge, the wind quickly made a
coif of her temple=plumage : “Thy locks, my weal & woe !”.
(And I grabbed same, above & belo, | hand for each : ? / She
gave a tentative nod : of like mined later, p’r’aps. / “But just
imagine once They’re on the moon !”).
: Rustling ? — Some woodwose or other ? —: 1 gaunt steer tick-
ling his favorite’s hummock from the rear. (Discuncerted, she
turned her eyeside away from the spectickle; but in return gave
him her earside, her hideside — but there was definitely shawm
& bombard up ahead in the reedy thicket, in spongy welter of
wet spoilage. (And here the brown woodearth merrily pointed 1
fat finger at her : wildwastedismallfoggy : ping ! luster of
whortleberry=bush.)
And the folitch ! / And the litho=grafic green cow pies : but at
one of them, 30 by 12, she came to a decided halt; and again
referently pulled out her pad : that green : and the broad
pattern=stripe of the tracktor tire within! .....: “My, what
lovely moteefs you’re pickin’ up.” (And the head-nod above the
draftswoman=hand.)
That BIG KNIFE again ? (11 inches from hilt to tip). — : “The anti=
millit’rists have the longest knives.” she said with feckless=
scorn to the tool cutting her betugged feet from the bramble=
creep. She heeded the tread of my boots; (I’ve broken both
ankles about 5 times each; and have to wear <high-tops>); and
used her now=free white (& freckled, know it well) foot to
make figuerres in the moor.
“D’y’ s’pose it’d be less boring on the moon, Hertha ?”. : “Lis-
ten here,” she said, reverent & indignant : “On the moon ? Why,
I picture that as jist awe=f'lly int’restin’ ! — Compaired to
Giffendorf=here ?”. (Pronounsmeant, made, shortly before we
entered the woods : the black beaded string of sheepturds —
<sheapterds> ? — lay across our path like a line on a sirveyor’s
162 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

map. At our rear, the fright of a long barn, its walls veeing toa
cower.)
“Hey, I'll prick those bubbles : easy.” / (For all the chroma=
round=about a car-painter would’ve known more ample names
of course : «Cortina gray; pompeiick red; gris de lin>; if pos-
sible, spoken in dribs’n’drabs. : The real difficulty in life in fact
is this : that the naive urbanite rejoyces in the thrilling capers of
a calf; while the occupaytional auditor of the <Farm=Show> at
his side is jotting down <FATLING : that’s the official slaughter-
ing term; He forseize its fate. (In the offall of «rearmmamenb :
even <in my day> there was <kitchin=police> : once again, a re-
spectabull man can only be an émigré, or a Jacobin !).
“What care I for ape & pairakeet, as long as we have skwirrls ?”
: “Well, all the same,” she said; of more peregrine, albeit more
furrowed, cheek; above the dead mouse; in the fresh wagon
track : we shove=elld with shootips, from both sighds, a bit of
earth o’er the wee thing, its penny=whistle empty=now, (1=of=
her pink curls wobbled more=over in the wind.) / “Now — given
our current, oh=so correct’ly termed, <politicul sit-you-ation> !
—on the moon=you=say ? : Huh-uh !”
She nodded, somber, her <nairtheless> : “Boring.” / “Boring ?
Here ? In the pale of green ?” (1 tracktor chiseled from afar :
manufack=manufack !). / De=spite : “Boring.” (And a leaf
behaving like a sp=arro : meaning, Gust-o’-Wind, behave your-
self yy:
“More t’otherway round, Herthy.—: Mitel.....
ip i a boring; boring : never as boring as this back on earth ? ! :
“Damn, what ’n Ex=istance !”. (And raised my aloominum=
hammer; and dropped it on the button — : ? : — zilch; zero zilch.
: “When it ought t’’v split long ago ! : read the instrucktions
once more.” (George was getting nervous again now). : “You're
too testy, buddy.” : “I’d never respect m’self if Iwasn’t testy !”
he promptly hissed. And : “Read that crap ! — But heavensache
leave out the <cuckoo slate>.” (Although we had just ogled some
beauteous slabs of it, blewish and reddish .....
“That's how y’ picture it on the moon ?”, she asked in amaze-
ment : “I don’t get it yet : where’s this sceene laid ?” —
“Can y’ imagine I mini=crater, m love ? — 500 yards in diam-
eter ? Very carefully seleckted=uh : so that it has a tall central=
peek in the middle : from which 5 to 7 high aluminum struts run
to the walls of the basin; to bear the plexiglas=dome that lies
 B
~OONDOCKS
M
HH 163

flat across the whole shebang : <GLAss Town» ! — Can you imag-
ine that, Hertha ?”
“My fantasy’s still that much intackt, knockonwood.” she re-
torted with dignity : “And what does <cuckoo=slate> have to do
with it ?” / (“P’raps not all that dumb either, by the way” she
tagged on, muttering : “Slate-gray background; red & blueish
droppin’s; — : plus a cuckoo ?”. — True, she pufft her lips doubt-
fully; but then went ahead and jotted it down in her sketchpad.)
“In the mountain’s inner face, workshop=caves, okay ?” — :
“Okaay” she said; (nervous, because she heard me sneeze) :
“Can’t you every button=up your collar ? Always havin’ t’ run
around with a necked gully..... ”. (But then, with ascertain
tenderness, set my skewed scarf to rites) : “That’s Silesian for
<open-throat> ?” I inquired : “Thanx; fine’n’dandy.....
RE. and so, as best I could, I cast him a disgruntled glants over
glasses — : ! (And George Harris was 1| crazy sight, unshaven,
and in swimtrunks : barefoot ! (That is : I’d seen him before,
when still upon the earth our feet did trod, in scantier attire. And
even more unshaven, as souljers.....
“Why’re they sittin’ round in swimin’ trunx up there ?” she
asked; peeved at a large puddle coming into view : “I thought
it was 140 below there ? — ohsure : <Greenhouse’feckt>,” she
admonisht herself. : “Not just that, swee’chile, not just that !” /
(And, whoopsed6o, the fording of the Berezina : “Mite I proffer
you my hand ?”; and held her=it, as if for gracious kissing,
across the ditch : ! / “<Proffery !” she chafft cattily; but grabbed
for it all the same. And whoopsedo6o ! / “Sighlents all ! my sa-
cred soul is roughling ! —: Not I, my dear : M6rike=Morike !”.
And she, taken aback : “Was He a meg’ lomanyack too ?”
atest then I reached for the Magna Carta of our existunts; that
1 typ’ritten page. — (Still affluent days back then; way at the
start of things; the mere site of the paper turned George’s
cheekmuscles plump !)/“....y’ mean y’ don’t know how it all
got started ?”; (me; over my glasses; gotta have our kicks). :
“Char=lee; ’f y’ love me,” he said wearilee : “’t’s no joking
matter. Besides which, I’ve almost got the start down by hart :
’m still resistin’ it; but I feel the day comin’ closer’n’closer
when I can manitch — : and not much else.” he conclewded
gloomily. / Then lifted his forehead in brusk challunge.....
“<Days of paper affluents> ?” she asked mistrustfully : “What
sorta workshop is this anyway ?” / The wind swept leaves
164 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

togetheround her. (: You never have a <Hiker’s Guyde to Flora»

when y’ need one. But ’d only end up identifying yourself to
death : who’s got the free=time for that ? ! (some retired guy,
out in the countree; yeah, he would : Thiinen, <THE ISOLATED
STATE>.).) / : “You are watching 2 practickly=naked slate-
makers
in their workshop cave : so I looked for the appropriate passage,
and read /: “The slate, if still soft, is split into playtes on loca-
tion of find : this is performed by slate-dressers, the latter being
either slate-splitters..... ” _ (“Further down : further down !”
he groaned) —~..... they perform said operation on the slate-
cutter’s block, a wooden piece some eighteen inches high, a
secktion of whose upper surface has been chiseled out at a rite-
angle : —”
“See illust=tration.” he said bitter & by heart : “which is miss-
ing of course.” (Too troo; which was missing. As were likewise
the «stripping hook» and the <putlog» — or were those just for
slate=tilers ? — I didn’t know.)
“But the hammer’s rite, that’s fursure.” I calmed him down :
“The description’s abs’lutely unmistakeabul : «Having on one
side a smooth playne with which to drive the nails» ..... i
(“What nails ? !” he asked, at this point as always; and fuming
as always.) -—“~..... <on the other side scythe-shaped; with a
sharp blade used for dressing the slate.» — Quod erat demon-
strandum.” the diaballicul thought struck me. (Which just about
drove him crazy; God, so I got a good edjucation.)
“Well, c’mon, give it ‘nother whack, Joorj.”; so gently he went
compleatly crazy. Pulled that hammer back clear=up to the seal-
ing. — (And whanked that chizzle, as if he wanted to split the
whole satellight — —
:!11/: “What'd 1 say.” (Which he once again took as if Iwere
implying that upto=now it’d all been dew to his layziness — by
way of precaushun, I set one foot on his slate-tiling hammer. /
(And the playte turned out thick as your thumb, too.) But all
the same : “Hey, if we’re clever about dividing it up ? : itll give
us at least 3 slates. And a coupla note=tablettes besides : [ll
just sketch the out=lines. - How many’re we still in arrears
alltold ?”
“Six=hundred and ninety=two.” he said indistinkly : “If they
turn out just half=okay, the President’ll have to get 2 of ’em rite
off.” : “Just carve ’em up,” I replyed cheerfully, “’nd I'll go
 3 OONDOCKS @ 165

ahead ’nd rub ’em down smooth with sandpaper; <which are
to be shaved by using the rasp>..... ”; (he was already holding
his hands over his ears again; granted, it was a quote from our
instrucktions; but he simply had not the slytest scents of humor :
it wasn’t exackly written in my berth certificate that someday
I'd earn my daily bread making slates on the moon ! — If only I
knew what this claptrap about <tripolite> was, that you’re
s’posed to use for that final finest polish ? : didn’t it come from
far, very far, farther still, away; syllables creeping in on alpha-
bet feet; «HECTOR SERVADAC : <FACE AU DRAPEAU> : “From Tripoli,
O Son of Glory, your steel derives its fullgent sparcul>
(First mistrustfull) : : “Sparkle ?” / But myface, at such sheer
mem’ries, remained so heinous=smooth; naught but <cHASSEURS
D’ AFRIQUE & MOSTAGENEM>; that she said, and agreeably too :
“Well, anyway : | president ?” : “So there’s a well-ordered state
behind it all.”
By this time, however, and guided these last few yards by lat-
tices of mountain ash, bloodred & quivring, we were at the
pond : consealed from behind by the yellogray wall of reed and
vapor. / She borrowed my pocket=scope, 10 x 25; and magni-
fied the frog=at=her=feet. (Until it turned | eye up’n’ back; and
took a jump, from mud to flud, whereupon Miss Hertha
Theunert took frite. And immediately took it as a personal
weakness — : 1 urbanette in flat=open country, and taking frite ?
Well Now ! — and lookt around for something to blame: ? / “I'll
gladly take your weakness upon me.” I| kindly said from the
long, and languid, circumflagellation of my weep-in-willow.
She at once gave a snort, disdainfull & white, (as if she were all
filled up with fog inside. — And another disdainfull yardlong=
jet : “Pff !”). Then she everso deftly turned the conversation —
can y’call it that ? — round again :
: “If one guy’s makin’ slates — : then p’raps the other one’s
makin’ the styli 2.7...

how quick it went in the soft stoan : ping ping ping ping ping !
(Then sharp’ning sir=cum=specktly. And test each one on that
black head=size clump. ? — He was still watching me.....
: “<Black> —” reminded him. And shaking of head. / And : “Hell,
some words I don’t even remember *nymore. — Ev’ry morning
when I get=up, I feel like I’m stupider than ever. : <Black>. —:
Well 1 goodthing ’tleast : we’re ridda the niggras !” / (Hinc illae
166 M ARNO SCHMIDT

lacrymae : so that’s what <black> reminded him of. Sure; we’d

never brought Blacks along; with the rather threadbare pretext
that such «tropicals» couldn’t take it in the loonar climate=here :
hic niger est ! - Why was this lousy cheap quotation=junk con-
stantly crossin’ my mind today ?/: “Just be glad anything=at=
all’s crossin’ it.” he lecktured me; and, with a groan : “If only y’
didn’t always have this earth in full view !” —-—
“Why’s that ?” Hertha asked all=suspicious. Then, all=sympa-
thetic : “Thataway : the guys on detail re homesick for earth.” /
But then, more trubbled again : “Or — : can’t they go back ?”.
And, all=menacing now : “List’nyoou ? !” / (Riteaway, the
wind, too, tried rustling in the folidge a la serpent; but I heard
the difference at once, and simply smiled a subtle smile :
“GerFedRep & pessimissm ? : goes t’ gether like *zounds Sand
& Kotzebue ! / We walked on through the choir of rustlers; She
paratitts; me insectivexed.....
(See - ’cause up=there, ‘nd y’ only had to rentch your head
just a wee outa the cave’s mouth, she stood : always in the same
spot; large & unlovely. / : “Soon be full again.” George; sotto
voce. — And, fretfull, me : “Yep; and real darkred too : won’t be
long now.”
“Waitasec.” she said; and stoppt in her trax. Also flung the leaf,
trying to hang over her left eye, resolutely aside. / (Saw some-
thing else now; and pointed, and marveled : “Kitty=kins ! —
Now ?” / Translated it for me, too, into a peevish <Pussy=
willow». / But then rite back <to business> —
: “So just whites then ? — How big’s the populaytion in toto ?” —
: “Welll — : 994.” I said, gen’rous=sly. / : “That ain’t many.”
(Quite rite, my child : in fackt damn few.)
“And nothin’ but Yankess ? — No creoles, nor mulattos; nor=uh
— okay, you tell me thother variashuns.” / : mestizos; métis;
calpan mulattos; zambos; cascos; caberos; tresalvos; zambaigos;
cholos; saltartras; postizos; coyotos; givers; cambujos; harnizos;
barzidos; albarassados; castizos : terzeroons quadroons
quintroons octoroons..... / “Stop.” she said flatout. / But then
female curiosity won out again : “Albarassados ? — What a
pertty name : what’s the pairntage there ?” : “Mulattos &
cambujos.” : “Mulattos is clear : negro & european. But
<cambujos>» ?” : “Female mulattos & zambaigos.” : “And
zambaigos ?” : “’mericans & zambos.” : “And zambos ? — Say :
‘

isn’t there a <Zambo=Maria> somewhere in Keller ?” : “Are the

 Boonpocks
M
M# 167

product of 1 negro balling 1 ’merican=girl.” / : “’sthat ever

complickated.” / “Hmyes : otherwise only some French blood;
via sev’ral Canadians; in this group of moon=dwellers.”
“In this group ? ! — No wait; first —” she cried, weary now from
listning to so menny lies : “Why’s the earth look darkred t’
them ? I read in a magazine once : it’d look blue & pale=green,
<cradled in trails of whitish clouds», and on the whole quite
b’guiling — ?”. “Y’ see, y’ can’t trust those magazines for any-
thing,” I rejoined, with a shrug, (but for dispairidgment used
Only \cshoaldem!)icge ae
“Listen, the ’stronamers ’ve leaked word that when our USA
makes its *peerants this round, there’ll be a brite red, if not
plainol’ white, spot visible in the nayborhood of Kansas : they
say the surface lava from the H-bomb fallout has <un=earthed> a
minor magma=pot.” (And George gave | more moan of releaf,
*cause he was from Missouri — I had to cure him !) : “Dammit=
Joorj : d’y really believe your «Hill House» ’s still standin’ ? I
mean, ev’rything, absolootly every=thing on earth is futsch !
Aflame & aflow; ’nd there’s no point whatever in talkin’ about
life.” / He gave a furious sniffle. And hammered a little while.
And then muttered sullenly : “That’s somethin’ you — and I mean
you ! — know nothing’ about : ’m from Missouri and..... ae
but I interrupted ruthlessly; if only for reasons of health he
couldn’t be permitted to indulge such notions; (quite apart from
the fact that only recently it had once again been offishally
forbiddenSaf.4;
But y’ never know for sure,” she said compassionately : “Pff. —
Let’em dream bout home..... ”: (I wouldn’t think of it” I
could’ve quickly interpolated; but she simply gave a Silesian
nod, to hers : “I know; you are hard.” / As if very offended, she
kept far back, too. I, as a gentalman, strode forth. And did not
look round when I heard it, despite all the bustle of bush &
branch, the delicate ob=noxious strains : a witching fart. Seam-
ingly appeased, (and otherwise <eased>; many a wind is son
to me), she came saunt’ring up beside me. / “Meanin’ you’d
consider humankind really crazy nough ?”
: “In the decayde twixt 1960 and 70.” I confirmed... .
: “Twas I evil day !” George whispered heart-stricken : “The
10th of September 19 hundread=sixty=hmmm..... m. Lheday
the Russians would not submit to being blanketed with H=Bombs,
’nd lustily=hurled ’em back instead,” I added scathingly : “Did
168 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

you=Republicans think your senile Fiihrer=General «would pull

it off somehow> ?” —/ He gave a whack that knocked the next
plate loose — : “Thin as can be, George |!Now that’s 1 for the
President.” And furious as he was, he came on over and uppraised
the splendid piece. — “Hey, that'll serve as an exemplar ?— 18x
24 —: ll make a blotter for him easy. For jottin’=notes; on his
desk. — P’r’aps we oughta talk politix more often ?”/: “Maybe
you’d rather’ve become a Rushian ? If you’d had the choice ? !”.
(You’re not gonna rebutt me with that; I’m an old ratianalyst) :
“First : there was no reason whatever for such an alternative to
Come Up sae. ”- (“Rite” he interruppted, relieved : “<All=turn=
a=tiv>; just didn’t have that word at the reddy *ny more.”).....
“and secondly : given the choice : either American — but on the
moon. Or Russian — nd onearth..... ee
Her hands claspt so tite; her mouth, a good thirty-year-old one
at that, so touchingly rounded, your purest putti=pout; her chin
pointed breathlessly across the fallo meado with its white mole
hills — : - Granted, cows were rambulling there ’ gainst the wind,
murm’ring hollo — ? —
:!:2 deer!—: “Really —” / \n their darker winter coats now.
Raised their heads safe-siding in our direction — (“Calm’n’ cool”
whisp’ring; not even mooving my lips) — they lowered them
again now. / “Givitere !”; and her hand hastily demanded it.
(My first thought was a diff’ rent novelty. But then gave it to her
anyway, the tellescope; and she raised it — “Wait=wait; the
one’s lookin’ rite at us again” — to her eye.) / “Ooh”. Her mouth;
incredulous; urbanette= y’see. And again, ever more credulous :
“Qo their 1 black whitters. 1. ”/: “Now ! !” — And put it
down; and, bare-eyed, gaze at °em : Both taking that last wire
fents with lithest leaps; and vanishing into the wood’sedge. /
She, fully forlorn & forgone : “’ve y6u ever seen a deer=
runnin’=free ? — I never have.” 1 red sweet smile. And our lips
pairried long. (At that same red patch from which the words had
come.) / But now’n’then, over’n’ over, she had to look at that
distant spot : so we stood mutely sighde by sighde; and busily
made fog. (Nebullung ’n Nippleyoungin’.)
“Ahyes; y’ got earth on Your con=sciences.” : “’ve you gotta
hole in your space=britches, man ? !” (This the latest idiom for
<blockheaded>; and he lookt around wildly for the hammer in
his hand) : “Just lucky for you it wasn’t your *dministration at
the time ! — And won’t be for some time t’ come.” he added
 BOONDOCKS m@ 169

savagely : “Thankgod the ’merican people’

ve still got enough
commoncents that..... ” : “Back off,” I requested : “’lecktions
don’t come up till year after next. — Besides which, y’ breathe
much too hard, and way over your quote=a, when you get so
workt up. And if I were in your shoes, I’d give my teeth a
brushin’ sometime.”
“With what ? ! : Haven’t you used your ration up yet ?”. (The
next one wouldn’t be for another 6 days.) / “The wurst thing is
now & ever shall be : toylet paper... ..
She stopped stockstill : “Why o’course. —\ hadn’t even thoughta
that.” And just had to giggle. : “Whadda they use then ? Sure
can’t use slate for ev’rything.....
LS I’m raw as hell.” : “D’y’s’pose Ym not ?” I reposted in
out=rage : “Those guys just say it’s a <sponge> — when in reality
it’s comm’nordinary cork ! — Only the sick still get reel honest
toylet paper; and even then, for less serious cases, they just
use a rub’erbrush —”. And headed off Mr. All=Ears : “Huh-
uh, y’ don’t even get that; only in cases of <cleerly visible
hem’rhoids>.’ : “Well; those won’t be all too long in comin’.oss
’

he replyed bitterly. /And we went back to chizzling for a little

while.
. “If it’d at least rain once in a while !” Him; after aforesaid
little while : “Or if y’d see an occasional cloud. Or a shootin’
star : wind & rain.” : “They say the Russians have fog some-
times”; me; pensive=envyous=downcast. And he went right
thru the roof again.....
She lookt back at me with newly awakend int’rest : “Makes
y’ realeyes what y’ got with this drizzall=weather.” Her arm
giraffe-necked; shoved up under a tree-harlekins’s ragged
smock; and nibbled something there; (but let go again at once,
so as not to dammage anything. Nor was she holding, as is the
thoughtless=cusstom of humans, some pluckt item in her
handtrap.) Came rite along. / Objected to my trax : “Pff=always
your footprince.” (As punishmeant, the wind almost skimmed
her beret to the ground. Unfortchnately didn’t quite manage it;
only the hair at her x=posed temples wagged wild & fiery tales.)
/: “Y’see : "naccounta your naughttiness the path’s run out
now.”
Obviously; what use was that ’xtraordinary pale yello’n’ brown
of the grass ? (Like I’d never scene it either, so steppe=esque.
“That’s from the crayzy summer we had.”) / And so, as noted,
170 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

just a 20-yard runner of hag grass left — : then a deep ditch with
double fents, mazed to distracktion. / (Then, however, once
again most splendid meado plattitudes. HI trees. MARGOT
screamed the jay. : “They dine on young adders.” I informed
her : “Sad & loony.” But she remained middling cross at the
lovely path for having made bold to sport with her.) —
“What’s this thing s’posed to signify ? !”; (and used her chin to
point at the barrier). I didn’t know precisely myself; but : “The
disstrict border, Miss Theunert.” / She was not to be mollyphied :
“Which district is that ?”. That was beyond me; so I replied,
cool’n’simple : “Gifhorn.” (And hoped that I mite be wrong.
But I almost was always unluckee that way; I’m 2 good a citi-
zen, and always know to which courthouse I’ll have to report
<should occasion arise>.)
She snorted much, the Little Blasé. (As impashunnd urbanettes
tend t’ be.) /: “The time ?”. But I moved my head in negation :
“’m not about to unbutton me for that.” (I cultivate the
pocketwatch, on principull; she knew it too.) And : “Would you
train me up to be an exhibitionist ? : Be a gentlewoman and
check your wristwatch.” (Which reminded her ..... Y
“Check the time, Charley,” he begged in disgust; and I peered
off at the man-sized hourglass by the entrance : — (wasn’t all
that easy to read; since of course they had foisted one of the
early=faultiest moduls on us : good nough for us. — ’nany case;
we’d soon have our 6 hours behind us.)
“Just finish off the big piece, George. Nice’n’clean : I'll take it
along with me t’ the President now; that'll justify our existents
for another few days.” And he husked enviously : “You guys
gotta meeting later ? - Damn, just thinkin’ a that cuppa=cof-
festa nuk ” (Because Members of Congress, including us of the
opposition, got 1 demitass of Nescafé before each session, to
inviggorate the cerebraytion; and were envied accordingly by
the resta the population; hated in fact by coffee klatschesses —
ah well, I happend to be one of the few men in the territory who
knew a li’l=somethin’ bout books.)
Catchward «Books» : “I'll be droppin’ by the library this
ev nin’ too,” George, begging : “Couldn’t y’ set some re-
wardin’ readin’ aside for me ? — We’re buddies after all —” he
uppended, blatantly buttering me up. To which, thangod, I
could now raise incorruptubble brows : “Joorj ? : <Equal Justice
 -OONDOCKS @ 171

“You’re quite the s’tirical rascal.” she said aghast. But giggled
her approvall all the same. / “But you gotta hold the wire for me
Here wre ”. (While taking a sharp-rite riggle=thru=the=fents :
we wanted to try ’nd see if we couldn’t find a path back, there,
cross the meados. — “Let’s hope the ground ain’t too wet.” :
“Oh, there are bog=holes round here.” I reassured her : “Auntee
Heeta was tellin’ me about how a steer almost went under not
long ago : they could just=barely shove a coupla planx in under
his belly. — Course, given this fog that’s comin’ in, they’d never
even find us.” I added food=for=thot : “Settle your accounts
with heav’n, mamsell. — And give me one more cuddle, may
Wellibe themastaoaaes > (Shetcuddiéd)a/4—-Even titer 1 (She
cuddled tite.) / “Noo, no titer than that. 'm only human 2 :
respice finem.” And groaning, like some marveling semi-

guceeses Djy6u get any this month ?”. But George shook his head
hopelessly : “I'll have t’ go see our ol’ Kentucky mare, Marjorie
Tompkins. — And even then, wouldn’t be my turn yet. —: ?:
Quiet ! —’. (And all=attension, lower our tools; and listen up).
Because
down below, on the road, the loudspeaker had crackled; the
gong for standard stuff unduelated thrice, yea surged. And then
the full, en=chanting baritone of the annountsir : “Twelve of the
clock for mortal men ! — Darkness upon earth; light o’er the
stars. Let man be just; but God is murr=cyfull : come to the
canteen !” —
“Our poet is really totally blotto.” George said full of spite :
“What d’y’ s’pose eternal mercy has t’ do with our daily slops.
Would not a simple <Noon> do justice t’? your powdurd=milk &
=eggs ?— When ’re you=guys finally gonna free=up a roast? |”;
(and wrencht his face; the gnashing of his teeth unpleasantly
genuine; he balled his fists and blasfeemed) : “Godammit, what
I wouldn’t give for a canna corned beef ? !” : “Okay, what
would y’ give?” I asked in derision. (But relented when I saw
him quivering with out=rage & hot=hunger as he packt up the
tOOlS ater:
(for she two trembled gainst my breast) : “My. Did I ever take a
frite !” Out of the graythin sheet of fog at our side, a black face
had rusht up, and bellowed at her. And came tromping men-
acingly closer; up to its fence. And waited fierce. / “Y’ got
’nything red on you ? — Nope. — Ah, He won’t hurt you, *s just a
172 @ ARNO SCHMIDT

little feller : He knows it’s close to milkin’ time, ’nd that

people’ll be coming. — Lookathat : why He even wants t’
play !”. “Sure does —” she said, thrilled at the coupla leaps the
calf attempted; its head held at a droll slant; and then even did a
sidelong bound, the way kittens sometimes do. : “He’s bored;
bein’ out here all a lone.” I nodded. And he honkt baritone=
corroboreation; and then galumpht along beside us : As far as
his fence ! / (Then I opened | moore latticed gate — : —. And we
were standing again upon a path. / The direction ? — : “Suits
mes):
At our left, a meadobrooklet, 30 inches wide, and very strait. —
“And proper.” : “Case that’s meant as censure,” I replied, not
without emphases : “J am opposed to mountain streams ! Their
bluster and bobble ’re all too silly for me. — Here; look here,
that’s it, over there ——”. (She had to bend down; across the still
smooth watercourse — ? — And then she, likewise, saw the long
cold lite, the way it led through the unruffled woodlet. Young
trees stretcht thin black heron-necks. Now & then | leaf of
A=1=yello.)
: “And here : y’ ever seen that before ?” : 4 birches in | row.
And on each, diverse shelf fungi, leath’ry white and big as
keys. / (And while her head still shook with joy. And while her
hand still held her sketchpad : I called her attention, yet once
more, to the oak shrublet next to them, holding doggedly to
all=its leaves : they were scorcht brown as Santos, with pale
yello veins ! — : “Even=I’ve never seen anything that crazy
before !” / And she sketcht in gratitude; and jotted the curious
off=shades. And halfsaid as she did :
“Well our trip hasn’t proved useless afterall. — The last few
weeks I’ve wanderd off into abst=rakt designs — ’nd now I’m
gettin’ plant=trimmin’s mixt in : very good.” And, still busy
pattern=peering — : “Meanwhile <uptop> they’ve headed off to
Cat LILCA) Mier
thru the tidily chizzled «streets» of the pollys=cave : everywhere
emerjing from their work=shops : / : the hourglass=makers :
“Howdy, Willie !” / the «Poet & Namer> (and gazing about so
gifted and preocu=pied you wanted to slap him on the spot — :
“By the living God, I'll flatten that sharlatan’s nose for him ! If
it costs me a year’s cigarettes.” (George; undissiplined as al-
ways.) I, to compensate, greeted him with ostentatious respekt :
“Good day, Mr. Lawrence.” And he, gracile and languid : “Hi,
 3BOONDOCKS @ 173

Hampden.” — (Maybe George was rite ? When you considered

that the guy chowed down on Ist=class food; and all he ejested
in return was that vapid <lite novel» on the ev’nin’ radio ? (Al-
though a new <epic> he’d written was scheduled for this=eve-
ning’s cabull; a heroic poem from the <Great Old War» of 40=45
— ll be more cute crap !) — He didn’t have zilch to <name>=there
was nothing here for him to put a poetic name to : that was just
something the earthbound poets had pusht three back then, so
one= of=Them could come along up for the ride; someOne with
an ostensibly <incomp’rable vocabulary» : ahyes ! / (Shoulda
blasted=up a con=artist : those guys at least have a talent for
invention ! — But this bullshitter=of=a=Lawrence.....
“Can’t you express yourself somewhat more genteely ?”. (Her.
Just when I had to practickly heave=her outa the tresswork of
gray grasses — “Y’see : now that’s a pretty tournafraze : you can
do it !”; over bramble=berries, (intent on further footsies), and
out. / The boughwork — “Bow=wow” she impatiently chimed
in — was making more racket than its crows. And beyond, the
endless grid of winter sowing : we were evidently nearing the
village again. —
“Goats.” she said resolutely. : “Gotta be goats up there. : Al-
pine fauna : Rarest air. Etcet’ra.” (I nod=noted it, mentaliter, for
later. / Good thing it was so deeply autumnal; in summer I’ve
always got that ineluctable astral cluster of skeeters=bout=my=
head Gerace
(Good thing there weren’t any=sort of insex in=here; that’s all
we needed. : <Insekts shall not inherit do=minion over the stars !>
Hoyce, only=just=thother=day, had, prowdly, declared.) / And
did that ever look cockamamie : this human=stream in swim
(WOU cage cue
“Whereas the women ?”; (Hertha; furrobrowed; evidently
steeled for a nuditivity, 4 la <the goldenyello, neatly=naveled,
belly=dunes= 2
(The women ate by themselves in fact. 1 hour earlier. Sad to
say. — And/or thankgod.) / “Hey; couch=mate ?”. And Williams
just threatened with his fist; (the 4 <papermakers> didn’t have it
easy either ! Task : <With little other than sand & pumice as
ingredients, to pro duce fleecy-white, handcraftesque writing
materials.» And silky-soft stuff, too; for the posteriora. Till
now, they’d had no sucksesses whatever; and within the fore-
seeable future, would have to come along achizzling. “Serves
174 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

em right.” George remarked calmly : “We have to, 2.”).

Thru the dron Gate» now, the 40 astronomers were being
sloosed. Tosst off, in seeming total exhaustion from counting
stars, their space suits. (And gobbled at one another in that
damn argot of theirs. — Well, I’ll hear soon enough, at our ses-
sion, what sort of Damnocles=news they’ ve got this time. — No
wait : <Job=tidings» ’s more like it.....
“So ’t’s a radickly altered social strukture.” she reflected
weightily; “Tho that’s clear nough : almost no workers & peas-
ants. Instead, nothin’ but technishuns & exspurts.....
see and each pulled his tin spoon out of his pocket. Used his
<free rite-hand> — (sure, everything was <free> on our side !) — to
accept his meal=chits. And then steppt mutely into the short
line, which quickly moved & contracted toward the windo
where food was disspenced.
“Whyyy don’t y guys collect the knives & forx ?” George
disgruntled stoutly in the meantime : “What d’ I need cutlery
for ? ! — All we’ll get t’ do is drink our=full again t’day ! —
Y’see — :” / (Because «naturally» there were only the potbelly=
hot glass=bowls — our smelters had, sans knowing & wanting,
produced naught but <Jena glass» during the first weeks — with
the usual milk-pooridge.) It was, I grant, especially startchy
today. And ontop.....
: “Well, Joorj ? —: Satisfied now ? ! / He almost bit me for rage.
And lookt around as if wanting to thro something. (And here we
had, with heaviest hearts, and only after long flaming debates,
released the 41 cans of pie=nappyl : naturally each man got only
| quarter slice. And | teaspoon ofjuice. / The gaudy labels were
carefully peeled off, and the biggest part given to the school : as
educational materials. (The rest went to the paper=de=pot : the
white inside of course was marv’lous for writing .... .
“And the cans ?” she asked, stricktly logical, at once. : “You'll
hear all about it,” I said; (as indignantly as if Iwere intending
to use ’em for some very special effect — whereas I hadn’t the
vayguest how to deal with the damn things ? (And felt that
familiar wavelet of shame; when she, guileless & good, fell
immediately silent.....
: now the ingrate was really gonna get it ! / First I swallowed,
sav’ring my Hawaii=garnish. Spoond up — and I mean with a
smile, modull of gluttny; we’d been earnestly admonisht to do
SO in secret session — the pasty=residew. Also used broad tongue,
 # OONDOCKS M175

as was now the custom, to lick up my pourtion : ! / Then to the

windo : the little (this one brite red) special chit?:!.....
(And the cook large=tootht a smile. Off to the nickeled presto=
boiler. / Came back, too; with huge saucer and wee cup. (Why
was the rasgal straitning up like that ? Behind the opaque top=
part of the windo ? : Was she secretely sticking her tung in it ?! :
In my coffee ? ?! !) / But then all I could do was sigh and think
another Nil humani — (Just what is wrong with me today ? But
my insubordinate memory had allready added the esse puto : I
turned haff=away. / And there it was now <my cup» — even the
reveal was that=thick : I mean if the thing held 2 table=spoons
I'd be su’ prized ! —
And back with it, to the grudger=table; next to George. / (And
did those nostrils=roundabout ever fl=air !). / And cozy slurp-
ings; (and kept letting the <lyin’s share> run back out of my
mouth; as if it knew no end : I'll hecktor you rebels !). / While
remarking to George : “They say there was <fresh livery again
*mong the Russians rescently.....
“Now that’s just plain unpatriotick.” Hertha; the compas-
sionette : “First he acts ohso responsible ..... ” + “Mydear, —: if
it takes such means to compen=sate a gover’ ment for its excess
of Goodness & Mercy ? — You just don’t know the «supply sta-
tus». You'll get some small insite when Congress goes into
session=now; ‘nd it’s just startin’ up.....
ie with Fred Hoyce, Secretary of Culture. (Kwite rite : the
One with the beard; who could tell such pretty profound &
soothing lies. Our 2 fysicians were forever jealous of his voyce,
whenever they had to reassure someone lying in the last throes :
Oh but ’fcourse ! : You’ll be headin’ back to earth with us, too,
in 6 years. (There to begin a new life; i.e., the old one, by which
everyone set far greater store.) — : so, together with the old
chatterboxer.)
At the door to the «White House> the guard presented arms; (but
with what a face, as if half asleep, half aweep. — His rifle bareall
jutting woefully askew. I calmly reached over, and straitend it;
admonisht him, too : “And keep it like that for a bit, son : War
Secretary O’Stritch is on our tail.”).
Inside things were already abustling : President Mumford was
smoking a cigarette. (Secretary of Commerce Air ditto, nat-
urally. — “’m curious who’ll get the butts today,” Hoyce
murmured in my ear. “By rites, it’s the opposition’s turn.” I
176 @ ARNO SCHMIDT

reminded him. “By=rites by=rites” he bassoed a growl. (And

then, sure enough, greeted the President so upseek=weeously
he had to smile a vainglorious smile; but first suckt up another
longlong whiff — — and wountchano, held out the butt to that
aging flunky ! I mean with us it’s nothin’ but trucklers &
sycophants; Byzantinydom & Nepotizzym : brrr, give y’ the

“The weather is awf’ly raw=t’ day.” Hertha; agreeably (since

warmly bundled). / And standing on the rise, a good 500 yards
from the village. And we gaze; pon Samos still unsub=
jugated seine
“Gimme the telescope.” : “If yowll use the locol vernacular
,

<Hannitovah>.” — She laid her head to one side (now that lookt
very nice !); pondered the <whafor ?>. Then, enlitened (and a
la ventriloquist), (and as if parenthetickly) : “Udjahannit-
oval=i Fee fea Aas os
: “What’s that you're lookin’ at ?”. For her armored eye was by
no means drifting about in the broad local parkscape; but was
firmly directed at 1, for me as yet inconspickuous, point.
“Well y’know : <parkscape>...” she said, the tube steadily
saucily aimed into the silent hamlet : “The meados pastchers
moors trees=backthere ? : — fine & dandy. But these ploud
fields=here ... ?” (And would doubtless have shaken her head,
except that she would have lost her fixt object.) / : “What have
you found to look at ? !” (Is some fello standing there taking a
pee maybe ? — Once before she hadn’t wanted to believe it; and
then peered long and intentsive.) “Are you men ever curious.”
she chided; “There, the first house; to the left of the path”; and
handed it to me.
The first house ? To the left of the path ? — :. — Oh that. The
inditchenous plank & lathwork timb’ring. Somewhat smaller
than average. Painted sickly green. Picketfents with firlets; a
longish=dark shed wall ? —/: ? / “That’s the sorta cottage t’
have.” she said wistfully; “a patch of yard with it; where y’
could lie out in the summer... .
are natur=ally barefoot & in swimtrunx, to a man, even here :
the Cabinet plus Congress met in secret after all. / (But these
<chares> of=ours ! The sculpture workshop had truly not overex-
erted itself, in=stedd, had apparently contented itself with the
<idea> of a seat : simple stone cubes. (Rite : <skullpt’erm ! : I'd
have to punch him 1| afterwards 2.)
 Boonpocks Mi 177

Lady VcaGentlenieni enn... ” (And then we were called to

order.) / First there was still an <internal matter» to be settled :
The Secretary for Publick Health, Jennifer Rowland, had pub-
lickly insulted the Secretary of Culture. “. .. and I even had my
Prince Albert on !” Hoyce thundered; and aimed his shaking
fist, an unusually large one for a secretary of culture, at the fat
fifty-year-old (who was the only person wearing a bathrobe; all
the same, every now and now, here & there, someOne had to
cross his legs).
: “T president; § cabnutt members; 10 congressmen. Ohgod : 6
Republicans; 4 Democrats in the opposition !” I was quick to
cry se Dontainternupt mene ae
fe 8 cause I was in the middle of trying to mediate now :
Naturally it would not be salutary to the prestige of this August
Body if the top officials of two agencies were to abuse one
another before profane ears. “But all the same, there is a most
decided difference between calling someone a <ship of the
desert> — or, flatout, a : <camel’s ass !>. — And that is not what
you called Fred, Jennifer.” (Persuasive. And blandishing :
maybe sometime she just mite let a guy.)
“But what I meant.” she retorted brutally. And Hoyce leapt to
his feet : “’m I s’posed to let myself be turlupinated again ? !”
“What’s that mean ?”. (Now that was really another flabber-
gaster for her. One ought to do that with women as often as pos-
sible. It is, of course, not allthat easy.....
era and silents. Even Jennifer harkend to the gorgeous word :
<turlupinatey ake - (The guy wasn’t Secretary of Culture for
nothing; sometimes these old geezers come up with stuff from
remoter cranial crannies .....: if only they did it as a matter of
habit and rootine !). / We moved, in any case, to include this
new, classy expression for <heckle, ridicule» in our <dictionary>,
with such unanimity and enthusiasm that Hoyce smiled a totally
playcated smile.
“All the same,” warned John Steele... ..
: “Attorney Gen’ral—hush....
shouldn’t our statute books be amended as regards
<insults> ? Our constitution still has some truly awful holes in
ae ergs ”: (and as proof, passt around his little box with its
coupla slips of paper : !).
“T ask for the floor. — ”. (I was, after all, dutybound by my
party, to nitpick at every opportunity. And the presidential brow
178 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

at once formed woefull=impatient furros. But : “Uh=yess ?”)

“Has the Cabinet made inquiries — not for the purpose of
adopption, but perhaps as a stimulating comparison — : concern-
ing what models of jurisdiction & legislature are used in the
Soviet sphere of influence ?”. (And at once the usual mutterings
of the yes=men. Well, they were dutybound by their party. (But
why wasn’t Myers shouting his <hear=hear> today ? New tacktix
maybe ? — Meaning, be on the alert !).)
“The Cabinet has.” John Steele info=ed tartly. / (And not 1
word more. Y’ve really got to crank ev’rything outa these
guys !) : “Okay, and ? ! — Out with it, Jonn. Otherwise for once
I won't letcha win at chess this ev’ ning.”
“You shouldn’t always get so in=tummyte, when we're in
session !” he said spitefully. And even the President gave me
a furrowed nod : “Order.” / “Over there they allegedly use
Dae ” (and he riskt it; and haltingly said): “...... corpi
juri ?”. (And whissuls and guffaws : but few.) : “And have
offered to surrender them to us, lend-leasewise : the so-
called <RUSSKAJYA PRAVDA>, the code of a certain Yaroslav of
Novgorod.....
“<Who can go against God & Novgorod ?>” came the resigned=
refugiac murmur beside me.....
seen: We could, however, have the <SOBORNOYE ULOZHENYE
ZAKON> Of 1649 as well.” — “Does that suffice for the honorable
congressman ?” the President asked with a sneer. I tried to sal-
vage something; in the steadiest voice possible, I inquired :
“What’s the date on that other whatsits there; the one from
Novgorod ?” : “One=Thousand; and Seventeen.” John said, his
dicktion precise. At which I sat myself back down.
(Wait ! : This too) : “Had the Russians sent their written reply
on the customary double-sheet again this time ? : writing only
in the center; with the provocatively broad margin; and the
second=page completely blank ?”. They had. / Whereupon the
Secretary of Health immediately demanded more toilet paper :
it was a disgrace; and..... (The ’turny=gen’ral was about to go
on the attack yet again with his everlastin’ death=penalty, but
was skwelcht at once : toilet paper is more important !)
: “Not to mention menstrual bandages.” But Jennie shouldn’t
have said that; because the president gave her mightily to under-
stand : that no patriotic=minded woman ought to be menstruat-
 ipese OONDOCKS #& 179
M

“Well why not ?!” an outraged Hertha wanted to know : “How

can a woman he’p that ?”. And, more ominously : “How many
women ‘re up there ?”. (I pretended to check in my notebook) :
“-, — 2: 129” I then said : “Of whom 62 are married. Which
means, 741 single men.....
Me he would hope that there was not so much as | girl over 15
who was not pregnant ? ! / “More than 1.” came Jennifer’s offi-
cial=cool reply : “besides which, there aren’t ’ny 15=year=olds
to begin with; the oldest children we’ve got are, as you well-
know, only 8. Then for a whole stretch, nothing whatever. The
next=youngest woman — Mrs. Lawrence, the poet’s spouse —
turned 31 day before yesterday. Of the 103 women who are
sexually mature at present, a mere 67 can with surety be re-
garded as impregnated, despite all our campains to date. — The
remaining 36 are, of course, routinely eggsamined. And workt
on.” “With propaganda, Mrs. Rowland.” the President admon-
ished. And she, all innocence : “Why, what were you thinking
of, Kenny ?”
“Point of order.” Hertha said automatickly : “Lookathat : I bet
Affrodighty herself’d look like a caricature if she had to haul
manure — specially in a get-up like that.” / Over in the field the
Robust=Beauties were lustily at work. “Jahtch !” one of ’em
shouted. (“Inditchinous form of <George>” I translated for her.)
Cast another dispairaging glance our way; on reeking=rough
feet the soles of which could ’ve used a horshoeing. They
sniggered some more. Then the murmurers began to fork again.
(Hey, endif they -dcheards yous. tin% ?”; and she fiddled
ex=pressively at her throat).
“Why is it you can’t ’bide farmers ?”; musing. : “If for no other
reason, because they can’t stand me either.” / She used an index
finger to press her right nostril for a while. — “Suffices, does=
indeed.” she reluctantly admitted. Then : “Not even farmer’s
kids either ?” (Because 2 red-skirted ones were in the distunt
party there. One was lobbing a stone over a dog — : and the
good-natured fool actually ran after it; laboriously dragged it
back; and even kisst aforesaid child’s hand for the privlij.....
“Ahyess, our kids !”. (Bringing us once again to the grewsome
issue of schools : our <moon=births> were undeniably the most
urgent of all problems. / We at least had our «memories»; and the
gifted among us the possibility of some sort of «mind=games> as
wellites: but Hoyce at once waved this morosely aside : “How
180 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

many Americans can manage that.” : ‘“Uh=what’s your guess ?”

the President asked nervously. And Hoyce, a superfluity of
thick pondering lowerlip : “Hmmmm. — : 10 percent oY
“The teachers have submitted an urgent petition=uh — no, not
for paper this time; though ’f course we’ ve got to come up with
some slates : there’re only 8 left in reserve —” (and cast, over his
horny=rimmed glasses, a glants : ! — I tried in vain to bewhisper
other matters nonchalantly with my neighbor.) / “No; this time
it’s about our reading materials for the element’ry grades :
Rawlinson points out, and with perfect justification, that he’d
get as far as Longfellow’s lovely poem :

<Under the spreading chestnut=tree

the village=smithy stands.
The smith, a mighty man is he,
with large & sinewy hands..... >

(His voice wavered a little, altho still under manly=control; sev-

eral congressmen had teardropps (with double p) in their round
eyes. I sought consolaytion, and/or some basick diversion, with
Miss Rowland, on whom a thick piece of thigh had just come
into view.) : “Stop, Kenneth : you'll break Our harts.” Hoyce
begged. — But now it was my job, as the opposition, to put an
end to this) —
: “I move : the poet be brought — and I mean on the spot ! And
best use the police; so he can’t send word again that he’s <work-
ing> — : he is to rewrite this classic work in updated form.” (Uni-
versal nodds and shouts of <bra=vo>). : “And at the same time let
him come clean about where he filcht that latest idiotic <Noon-
day Call : those aren’t even human frazes anymore ! : The hole
population was outraged; ev’ rybody was countin’ on some spe-
cial dish. — Whereas it would’ve been better — as always — had
the noon meal tasted like zippp.”
5
“Listen, those are really basic problems,’ she said, brooding;
“Just imagine : if those kids’d read the word «tree» — they
wouldn’t have the vaguest what that mite be. Or <dog>. — Or
<cat>.” (Because on the sugarbeet=pit yonder, one was walking
along, bent beneath official cares) : “We’re right in the middle,
dear heart, of doing some intensive imaj’ ning
(In the meantime; until Hizzoner the Poet gets that far) : hmyes
this school of ours ? There had <originally> been no plans for
 # OONDOCKS @ 181

anything of the sort; and now our <BAD SEED> was sprouting :
it was hard enough just rustling up teachers of either sex;
(partickularly since boys and girls had to be kept very strictly
seggregated; and taught excloosively by persons of the same
sex : at the moment it was still working; but just let these young-
sters turn 13, 14, 15 !). / The math=class ? : The gentlemen at
our dispose=all knew p’r’aps how to manage tensor=analysis;
but they had utturly forgotten the simpler things.)
: “Is there any trooth in the report that before every class the
Russians make ’em pray their multi=placation tables ?”. (Old
Jocelin was indeed wasting away; you could hand him whatever
line you liked about the Russians=yonder — he’d believe Enny=
thing !) : “You'll soon be ripe for seck’tary-o’-statehood !” I
called over to him; (and easy=as=that had offended two at one
blo. The ’Turny Gen’ral was quick to lick his lips; and jotted
down this strange insident.) / “Let’s have quiet !” the President
hisst; “Somebody’s coming —”
Mr. Lawrence, elegant & frail; (and so impudently dreamy-I’d
that even the President, who usually and often came to his aid,
promptly waded in) : “Mr. Lawrence : wipe that fuddled look
off your face ! In the presents of your.nation’s gover’ ment, it
behooves you to be attentive and to concentrate on your duties.”
— (The sly dog pannickt at once, and took on a human look : I
mean, it’s all a sham with Him).
To business : “Uh=Mr. Lawrence : are you perhaps familiar
with the poem=uh «Under the spreading chestnut=tree> ?” (Now
the President himself had landed a fuddled lo=blo; and was re-
paid with booming laughter. Lawrence, however, had not yet
overcome his beneficial shock; and, mouth half-open, looked,
very stoopidly, about.....
“Why’re you so ’gainst this <poet> ?” Hertha; amazed : “You’re
more the literary type yourself than I feel comf’ table with some-
times.” : “Cause the ’murickans sent the wrong one up ! A ro-
mantic gasbag and la cibonne.” (This our, for use by just wee=
two, <lazy bones»; merely Frenchyfyd.).....
: “Pursuant to a motion made by the rite hon’rable congress-
man Charles Hampden..... ” — (it would not ’ve been neces-
sary for the nincompoop to name names; well, it was done
now.) — “. .. the Cabinet has=uh resolved that you be commis-
sioned to rewrite said verses, for educational purposes — : Have
you any suggestions ?” / (First the fellow had to be enlitened as
182 M ARNO SCHMIDT

to the <what for; and the kids’ state of mind — he bowed a

coupla times while the explanations were provided him;
politest=deep bows, just to gain time, not out of any real cour-
tesy : oh, I know you=you !). / But then in fact he started in . . .

: “Under the —” / (Pause). / “— spreading=uh —” (very precisely

rolled <; and the <ing> simply knew no end : yesyes; it’s your
turn now, you ganef !)
“Under the spreading — : plastic=vault..... ” (To which we all
nodded : Hmm : passable.) / His gaze strayed about. Passing
over me as well. Came back. — : Fickst on me ?: ? ?/: “The
slater’s workshop stands !”. (And then, naturally, took off jaun-
tily, 4 la <the slater, a mighty man is he.»)
And the others clappt enthusiastic applaws. While I struggled
not to wints. (The rest followed relatively simply then : the
whole thing alluding to me ! People were tittering now, and
prompting. — Maybe should’ve helped the ’Turny Gen’ral just
now after all, to steamroll that law against slander thru; <sub-
jecting to ridicule & contempt», «defamation» : always too good
for my own good. / Wasn’t this a blatant <abuse of the press>,
right here ? But people were obviously amusing themselves at
my expents much too much for me to have even a ghost of a
chants. And so, try to do some smirking myself..... )
(Finally finisht ?)/: “I move,” (the President), “that this poem
be committed to paper at once on typ’ writer 6, and placed in the
arkives. 5 copies to be delivered on slate by this evening to our
good pedagogs. — And on behalf of us all, I believe I cannot
more poignantly express our thanks to our honored poet than by
off’ ring him his choyce of a reward : 1 stick of chewing gum, |
half cigarette, or perhaps | portion of toothpaste, the green.”
(And sure enough, unanimously, awarded him the gum: just try
nd imagine that !).....
“Now show your stuff.” she challenged : “’re yOu capable of an
off-the-cuff German translation ? — Of that Vil ol’ verse —” she
added disparagingly, to spur me on. (Now just hold on..... /
(Daddadda dumm daddimm dadda : Daddimm daddimm
daddtmm..... yare
“<Unter’m Gewo6lb’ aus Plexi=Glas
die Schiefertafler schtehn.
Wie riistich pinkt ihr Hammerschlag :
es sind der Manner zween.>”
 - OONDOCKS M183

/ “Wellpoopsie ? !” —
And she laughed in amusement; then in delite. Then in rapture;
and snorted with extasee : “You pull that off slick ’s a whistle !’”’.
“Pfff, I don’t know —” I said pompously, “guess today’s my
rhyming day : zeta=eta=theta.” : “°nd my tootsies ’re achin’ a bit;
from all this runnin’=round : time we headed for home.....
: “Mr. President : I can’t sit any longer.” (Fat Jim Conway, the
Secretary of the Treasury. So there he stood now, slate tablet in
hand — all my matter, ol’ mum matter, alma mater Alma Ata — :
<Alma Ata» ? : Oh, rite; my proposal ! / But first there were
others > before me... .,
And motions & reports : O’Dwyer, Secretary of Astronomy and
<Space Issues», reported, voyce-astammer, that his boys had in
fact observed the formation of a new <white spot» in the area
around erstwhile Cape Carnaveral, setting them in great astro-
nomical constern=ation. (Ergo, a new «radiation high» could be
expected. Also “possible upswings in mutation over the next few
days”. — Meaning we’d have to spread the heavy aluminum foil
over the roof again; and could huddle here at the Neon’s. (And
for that we were to release extra fotografic playtes ? : Noo,
m’dear ! Not even if we lose site of 6 dozen extra=ge=lactic
nebula for ever ! — He was voted down, absolutely.)
The sculptor had made yet another slate-tableted applickation
for 2 naked women; ostensibly for <model=posing»; but I didn’t
have to get a fluster started; Hoyce did it for me. He leapt up;
brandisht his (as noted : for a learned man, rather unseemly)
fist; and shouted : “Everybody knows the guy’s a so-called
<abstraktor> ! and can’t produce a single lifelike=bust : he doesn’t
need a model ! Put the goof-off to work : in the quaries |”. (Quite
rite. His was p’r’aps the worst case of nonperformants we had
overall. And the gover’ment took & took no action.) / In any
case, the president, after one brief, canvasing nod, resolutely
wiped his slate with a sponge: next !).....
“Rite you are .” Hertha said gratified : “Not long’go I took
in an ex=hibition in Darmshtatt —’. And shook her head vigor-
ously : “The stuff they try to put over on us ? —: D’ they think
we’re addlepated ?” / “For one thing; and for th’ other, they’re
smarty-pance : who rely on the fact that nobody wants to be
thought of as <«unmodern>; ’nd that insecure people’re afraida
makin’ asses of themselves. The cathlicks even promote the
trend : cause that way <avant-garde art» gets drained off into
184 M ARNO SCHMIDT

ab=struse, =surd bayous, and no one’ll take it seriously — can’t

take it seriously. The only One who’s really dangerous is mod-
ern and com-prehensible at the same time : which explains the
organized deadly silents about people like Joyce.” : “You ‘nd
your Joiss —” (and expelled much ungrayshuss craped air) : “I
heard recently too that the reason why the church is such a pro-
motor of abstrakt art is "causa not «making graven images>.”
And, daring further : “I like your poet=uptop lots better than I
like your Joiss : I ’*xpect you to allocate him some paper first

“1 original and 3 carbons ? : in plain American, then, 300

pages thick, and 900 thin ? ? : Never ! !”. (Several folks used
this unique opportunity to leap indignantly to their feet. Nor did
they sit back down — for anyone who held his ass dear, it cer-
tainly was an outrage, too !). / But the president mollyfied us
with authority : “The Cabinet has already approved, m’lady &
gentlemen : a work redounding to the honor of USA=lit. And
of benefit to the reading publick : would that more like it mite
flower !”. (To wit : the new epos, which Lawrence wanted to
begin reading this evening. Had been at the copier’s for some
time now, and so too late. (And Mumford was rite, too : some-
thing new to read at /ast !). Under the circumstances, proposing
that our daily newspaper be expanded from | to 2 type-ritten
pages was of course no longer a possibility .....
(She giggled expectantly; already anticipicturing that single
8'/, x 11 pagelet.) And pulled to a halt at the fents, stunned.
And even used a finger to point : !. — “You'll never be a Great
Lady.” : “No, nor you a great man neither.” (Nothin’ beautifull
bout greatness anyway : just keep bumpin’ your head <up=
there» !)./: “’ve y6u ever seen the like ?”. (Nope; not till now,
that’s for sure : a doghouse; with the timberwork painted on;
at the gable 2 horseheads, gazing at each other. — “That, by
the by, is a whole school of local folkloristick secktaryans; ’t’s
how they reckognize one another.” — And, to top it off, thatch-
rooft. : “Wow, ain’t that sumpin’ !”). Rite beside it, | sheaf
of beanstalks. Frizzy headed cabbage. (And the dreadful
spectackle of sprouting pickets ! And at once she made a shockt
grabb for my sleeve, too : Oh crippled immortality, that would
spin the tale of our pitifull ego, with all its rubbish, so frail &
wretched, into infinity !)
The carpenter demanded, for the 4th time now, those 2 wooden
 FOONDOCKS MM 185

crucifixi for his workshop : otherwise he could no longer

deliver frames for the slates of our wee ones (who, whate’er the
cost, dare not cut themselves on any sharp edges !). /Resolved :
just as soon as the sculptor delivers the ersatz stone=crosses.
(“And I mean pretty snappy. Until such time, he gets only water
to drink : he really oughta be able to manage a coupla square
stone=joysts ? !” : “Of which I am still in doubt.” Hoyce inter-
jected emfatically.) But it was decided with relative unanimity —
<relative>, because Jennifer was his girlfriend; and her vote
weighed about sixfold, since no one wanted to get on her wrong
side : the calves alone that that woman had.....
“That you=men ’re so taken by fat —” Hertha chided, and with a
disparaging motion of the head; (she, to be sure, could elicit
very little of said ware) : “’nd for a girl to be a little smarfatic —
that don’t matter, rite ?” : “<Smarphatic> ?” : “Yesindeedy : a
neologism just formed from <smarts> and <emphatic> !” she
pertly reposted; and : “Got ’ny money on y’ ? — I wanna stop at
the grocer’s ’nd pick up a canna tuna.”
<Money !>; and Secretary of the Trezzury Conway \ecktured.
Lifted his slatelet to his spectackles between whiles, reading off
his next cue : “Inasmuch as we long since and most vigorously
have rejected the abolition of money — a la Soviets perhaps ! —
as a most calamitous blow to the sensibility of the peoples of
the Free World ....... ” (Rite he was; such a shock mite never
be mended for most folks. And although our <bux> had long ago
become a meaningless farse — there was zilch to buy ! — <sala-
ries» were unflaggingly paid; <retail prices» simulated; appeals
made to <save> : and every=body lockt out reality and joined the
dants.)
But now he was getting int’resting & signficant : in Vendelinus
B one of our field patrols (a half dozen of which were al-
ways deployed, as a matter of policey : surveying, research;
chorografix of all sorts in fact) had discovered a massive
deposit of gold, in nuggets; (and even the venerable wisdom of
Mr. Hoyce prickt up eyes & ears : that the older you get, the
wiser, is also 1 of those theories !). / And yes, yes, there were
in=deed & =stantly diverse aspeckts to this. (Not to mention the
practickal <possibillyties>) :
We could, to remedy — at least temporarily — our earth=addic-
tion, stage a gold=rush : that way everyone’d have enough to do
for the next six months; staking out claims; pickaxing digging
186 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

grubbing bickring. / (“Suits, brawls” the *Turny Gen’ral mut-

tered. “Round-the-clock guards at the gover’ment gold=safe”
the Secretarry of War, (who would be only too happy to aug-
ment his 5=man elite corps by a few : well, just brace yourself
for my permanent blackballing, amigo : we don’t need you=
guys period ! Police’re perfecktly suffishunt.) / “Back new
currency with gold.” : “The poet’d have material for plays.” :
“Finally be possible to open up a joolry shop : our women ‘II be
thrilled !” (“Presuming we’ve got a goldsmith.” my sents of
responsibility forst me to dampen the enthusiasm bursting out
even here in our Council of Sages.)
“Or, instead : we place the mining of the deposit completely
under gover’ ment control. The human conflickts, as exciting as
they p’r’aps appear in many respekts, could in fact lead to other,
more serious complickations : murder; and manslawter..... i
(“Murder & manslawter.” ’Turny Gen’ral Steele repeated wist-
fully, in=deed licking his lips : that had never occurred thus
far ! At the least, reason for proposing | <electrick chair» — the
presents of which p’rhaps mite not hurt; even if it never got
used. Or even just a mock-up; wouldn’t be enough material for
much more than a simple sign on the door anyway. I gave a
curt nod his way : agreed. (And he understood at once; that’s a
thought; <deterrents>; uh-huuh.)
With golden knife=fork=spoon, avoirdu=pure : “Wouldn't —
cross your heart ! — each of us in fact find the taste of his plain
fare improved ? —: There you are.” / (But first, still had to solicit
| impact=report apiece from both our physicians : «Concerning
the Emotional Effect of the Sight and Possession of Gold in
Nut=to=Fist=Sized Nuggets». — : “To be delivered tomorro.” /
And the secret=courier had to toddle off with it at once; we were
All that curious......
AR oe and trotted up to me with a mouthful of Silesian : “Here :
I pickt up a slipe of black puddin’ for the pup, too.” (A good
girl ! And I praised her properly.) / And here we were at Auntee
Heeta’s house already; we went round back first thing, where
the dog stood chained at the front of its house (“Rebbies
quahn’tine” she had explained) : he got up when he saw us
coming — this was the third time today that we’d brought him a
tidbit — yowled with delite; and drummed on his doghouse roof
with long (still thin; he was just a pup) black legs. Swallowed
the slice without chewing, 1, 2, 3. Then had his ribbed flank
 #, OONDOCKS @ 187

patted. And blasted into barking behind us; (I can b’lieve it,
must be boring.). (And the chain was really much too heavy for
him —I mean, that’s your basick cow shackle !). Punybirds were
no laughing matter to her anyhow. / (And signs=signs — had we
wandered into the battlezone between NEs= and SANKA= ? !).
“Quick : how bout an end for this ep’sode, huh... ..
And the rest of the agenda was left dangling with exemplary
no=action : they were all so gaga over the
“No-’ccount truck.” Hertha prompted; and I nodded approval :
in this p’tickular case, her Silesian was just the right captious=
acoustick rebuff to the lunacy.....
RR still on the table were : Hoyce’s motion to introduce an
exciting=academic pecking order : baccalaureate master even=
call=me doctor; (altho that ought to be given real considera-
tion — I bent his way, and whispurrd : “Try again nextime
Fred; They’re close to crazy today.”). / Impending shortage of
grease for our machines ? : “Nix ! If we’ve still got reserves for
2 years ?— We can give it some study : make a note of it, gentle-
men, please.” / Even my proposal, of truly greater import, to
introduce Russian as a requirement in our <instittutions of
learning> — I had intentionally chosen the more ample phrase
to predispose certain parties in my favor — got pooh-poohed.
My nastiest opponent, O’Strich, the Secretarry of War, even
had the brass to sit down (had <risen> with the others before,
inconspickuously, as such scoundrels are wont to do); and to
bawl :
“I move that we:..... ” (““Warmonger : Warmonger !” I auto-
matically shouted the while, just as I had been taught to do the
moment O’Stritch so much as started up): “...:. send this
slavophilick gentleman=here as our messenger tO MARE CRISIUM :

“What’s the pointa that ?” Hertha inquired, her hand already

on the doorhandle. And I, quickly : “Xchange of <cultural
goods» — meaning, the newspaper; dispatches officialisms pro-
tests : those above all. : Andsoforth.....
and damn if the plenum didn’t, to the general mirth of that
August Body, select me to be their gofer : “Please report to the
Secretary of State tomorro morning, Mr. Hampden.” (Was I
188 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

“So wheah ’ve you=two been — ‘dja give ‘ah aregulah touah ?”
Auntee Heeta, broad and robust; a black dress held her buxom-
ness together; in her flusht hand, the perforated laydle. And,
more compassionately : “Yep, pull em off : we'll jist set °em
top the stove foah a bit.” (our shoes, she meant; we tugged the
wet swollen leather from our feet. (Rump & Remembrants be-
come burdens in no time.)).
And here she came with warmd slippers : “See how nice they fit ?
— Y’ can give the fried p’tatahs a stuh in the kitchen, my deah :
if y’ jist have to help —”; (and followed her with favorable eye.
Then, just between us : “I like the way she’s puhttied huhself up
a bit — not with her muzzle all=puhplefyd like some. What’s the
name of that scent she uses ? Aeh, you wouldn’t know anyhoo.”
And sailed away as well; ahyes, even odor has its fashions.)
And kept appearing by turns : Pot & Pan; Spider & Lid; | pale
decapitated loaf; Hertha, tall quickgold in her hands (1.e. : the
bottle of oil. — So that’s how she looked in an apron. : “Busy
busy busy, Mr. Pineis” I mocked. But she was much too oc-
cupied to take offense.) / And a steady flow of informative
interjecktions; about the man who had built the Sackson kennel
cross the way :
: “On one side it’s got a windah in the ruff, a skylite : *djou=two
notice it ?”. (No; but very good idea !) / “He’s some kinda crazy
genius : Ovah in Vahf he built a windmill with 8 blades —” (this
time she had a tray of chestnut brown <Bakelite> in her hands.) /
“nd is he evah tite : gives his kids mash-p’tatah san’ wiches to
take to school ! : If he could het up his dinnah by sittin’ on it :
He’d do it. — He took the chaihs foah the hihd help ’nd sawred
the front legs shortah on the slant, so they'd automatic’ly have
to scruntch even deepah into the bowl : makes the <path of the
food» to the mouth shohtah, and theah’s less time lost : admitted
it flat=out.” (A fine, thoughtfull mind. Not that P'd want to be
named «Karl A. Dultrie.)
“Well, your name’s Karl, too.” Hertha admonisht. “And theah’s
not a man but what oughta use <’dultrie> foah a middle name”
Auntee Heeta declared : “Theah jist like hosses & jackasses.”
“What d’ you mean by that ? !” I flared up; (altho without
persuasive force; she was, ultimately & unfortunately, correct;
altho women ’re really not that much different.) “Jist think it
ovah a bit,” she said caustickly. And, more genial : “Bettah
loosen youah belt a notch oah two.”
 OONDOCKS m@ 189

(The bread fly hummed solitude. / Some small chatter in the

kitchen now; the cautious croppt syllabix of brief acquaintants
had been put behind them it seemed. Which is to say, Auntee
Heeta knew no inhibition, a sovrun soul. But Hertha was not
easily loosened up — let’s hope she was being careful not to let a
spark from the stove land in her lap; at least it won’t be me for
once.)
Which Auntee Heeta, all unsuspecting, confirmed : “She didn’t
want ‘ny fresh hahd rolls,” she said; and sat down in bewilder-
ment, placing the broad blade of her hand on the tablecloth :
“they crackle & pop too loud in huh mouth — is she really that
nuhvous ? Or shy ?”. / She shook her head : “D’ yéu know what
<mush=balls> are ? (I nodded gloomily; and ended with a shud-
der). “But than’ god don’t have ’ny gahlick — won’t suffah the
like in my house. — She’s usin’ the privy at the moment.” she
added, with unsuspecting logic. / (And during the wait, a brief
briefing for me : “Nope, what they oughta do is sow millet in
those dried-up fishponds back=yondah; ’d do well theah.”
(Fallen leaves damaged the spawn in any case. And on the sec-
ond one, somebody’d seen a <willywisp> : a while back.). Long=
whiskahd grain kept the deeah off bettah — and I hung and hung
at her lips, until she gave me a cheerful slap on the hand : what
a curious world all=to=itself this is here !) —
“Well c’mon m’deah.”; and Hertha sat down to <pot shank> and
<paupah sausage» : you’re not the only one who can tease honest
folk with <simmon pie> and «fresh butt». — “Watch out — you ship
of the desert.” she said shamefaced; and Auntee Heeta nodded
her interest in the fine fraze : “Genteel — ‘nd yet, ’nd yet : I gotta
go see the mayah t’morro anyways.” she said, pleased with
herself.
From eye= to eye= to eyeball : “Oh jist call me <Ahntee Heeter>
too. No fohmalities. - How old ah you did y’ say ?” : “Born on
the day of the Battle of Bannockburn,” I prompted; “thankgod
not in the same year too.” : “’scallion” Auntee Heeta said
curtly. And Hertha, darkly : “Old enough to ’ve had to play
German=Maiden.” (So, born in Lauban 24. 6. 29.)
“If you wanta get her goat,” I suggested as well, “just call her
<Adelaide>.” : “I’ve no ’ntension a gettin’ huh goat — but how’d
that come ’bout ?” — “My mother,” said Hertha gloomily, “had
just been readin’ some novel — Anny Wothe, or Panhuys, or what-
ever —: and so I had to be named that too.” she concluded hate=
190 BM ARNo SCHMIDT

and dole= fully. “But Huh=ther is a rite puhtty name.” she was
consoled. “Yes; my father insisted on that — ah, good old dad !”
she said in gratitude. (And we all nodded : if crazy parents
would only think of what they’re doing to their poor children
when they send the 8:15 producks of their loins out onto nites
ruff=enuff path with labels like <Pellegreen> or <Meloosina». /
Meanwhile she quickly ate “a coupla more slipes” : 1 red
san’ wich (marmalaid); | snow-white (farmer’s cheese); IT hada
butteryello 1, with black & gaudy slices.)
Table=talk : table=talk : “What’s the population 0’ yoah
Nohd=Hohn now ?” 40,000. And Hertha countered : “And your
Giffendorf=here ?” / Auntee Heeta wagged her big fleshy
tongue a while. “Hunduht ’n’ ninety I reckon —” she replied
considering : “And you’ve got a theatah ? And movies, be-
sides.” And suddenly lit up : “We got theatah heah this
ev’nin’ too : at eight. At the tavuhn. The schoolkids’ah puttin’
on a play : they do it onst a yeah.” (And I caught on; and came to
her aid : “Hertha ? — “. Invitingly. She made a pensive (but yea-
saying) pout of her lips; (which normally would ’ve got | kiss
then & there : I simply could not resist it — so did it with my
eyes at least; she noticed, and gave an imperceptibble wink
with her rite, satisfied, (perceived=by=me=alone.)). / “Well
let’s go then, later on : for 1 hour at most. — You coming along,
Auntee ?” But she couldn’t : “’m still in «moahnin’>. It'd jist
make foah talk.”
: “Child, if you'd like t’ do me 1 favah : call it a <slivvah>. — It’s
what we say round heah.” And Hertha — altho she preferred
about as much to eat in society as to do the opposite : | of her
own turns 0’ phrase; made in an hour 0’ confession — tilted her
red urchin head deep’n’droll. And practiced it mutely, inside
her mouth; and then requested, irresistible : “Mite y’ p’r’aps
have a slivvah foah me, Ahntee Heeter ?”. (And it was done
with such zany fluency that despite our <convisceration> (being
another of her sin-o’-nyms for sociable dining), our good cheer
grew by leeps & bawnds. (If she was in an especially murky
mood, she tonguelasht the gardener as a <plant=butcher> : and
that goes for me, ever since I read Sir Jaghadis Chandra Bose
at age 15, I’ve been against these Veget=Aryans, too. And,
impatiently, set my knukulls krakin’.....
“Stoppit Kahlie ! — I mean sounds like you’ah drawin’ &
quaht’rin’ somebody —” and both female heads nodded (and/or
 ¥ OONDOCKS @ 191

shook) me into holding my peace. / And got up. Redded up some=,

but not all=things. And now Hertha came into her own —
- MOKKONA ! / — “Dutch brand, ain’t it ?”, Auntee Heeta said
excitedly : “You’ah so close to the bohdah theah.” (Just 3 miles.
But it was only 20 to the GDR here, too.) — : “Go ahead ’nd
make it nice & strong; it’s a mattah 0’ Ahntee Heeter.” (as if
this were a concept; and She gave a kindly smile); and Hertha
added yet another half spoonfull; and the water stewed; and
she sat on old long verycosed legs, in white phlegma; and told :
how at one time the smithy °d been just cross=the=way here :
“Y oah=Uncle=Ludwig’ s=fathah=now, he could still r’membah
that.”
“Must’ve been pretty noisy round here.” Hertha said with oblig-
ing sympathy; (It was my impression, however, that this took
Auntee Heeta by surprise somehow, that she was close to biting
her thick lips — but <why>, I really couldn’t say; to be sure,
Hertha was sensitive to noise; bout on a level with Leisewitz). /
“Well it’s puh=feckly quiet now !” she assured us : “You'll
notice that tonight I’m suah : you’ll nevah sleep this peaceful
in all yoah bohn days. — Oh, ’couhse : you know all ’bout it,
Kahl.” : “Quiet can disturb one’s sleep, too, Auntee.” the el-
egant a=pair=soo unfortunately struck me; (and now she gave
me a look of frank indignation :). (But being <sirrounded> by 2
women was not so bad. And kept probing (tho to a certain de-
gree anxious, too, she was after all an expert) eyes on Auntee
Heeta: ?:?!:!!!-—: Ahyes; MoKKona !)
“It cuhtainly tastes bettah than Nes to=me !”; so we had pulld
it off. / And back to conversations on all sortsa straight and
kinky beasties. / Village character : one fellow was too
lazy=poor to buy his al=kuhul, and was in the habit of eating fly
agarics instead (served with monkshood=salad and nightshade=
com=pote, rite ?) : “Ahyes; he’s suah one mumpish fella; he can
spit in a rose !” / But above all, this most strange, fifty-niner
summer just=past.....
: “A drought like I nevah ! : the oldest folx couldn’t r’ membah
the like of it.” / The soil dried out down 6 feet. A good many
wells gone dry. (Here the semi=expert excursus on <deep=> and
<shallow=bores>). / “Much=too=much=too=much=too=much !”
(my Gerwoman was unconsciously frenchifying : “Tout=tout=
touttouttouttouttout !” I lce heard, a soldier, near Nancy.) /
“When a cah drove by, the dust=trail ’d hovah ovah the road
192 M ARNO SCHMIDT

foah a good 5 minnits.” («Comet=comet, we see thy roilings>.

<And ever comes the sighing query : Where ?>; <Schmidt of
Liibeck>.) / “’tain’t no mushrumms to be had this yeah tall.”
(What a shame; we both liked them. With onion and pepper; and
Auntee Heeta gave the nod to our duetted enthoosiastic descrip-
tion : “’sindeed. It’s gotta be like — : thiiiis !” (And pulled the
splay of her rite talon from her mouth; and followed it with
“hhoohhhh”. Meaning <hot as blazes». / And this the new catch-
word)
: BLAzES 2?! ! : “Oh the fohst=fiahs, my boy ! — I even helpt
shovel onst m’self.” (So recommended Leopold Schefer, <THE
FOREST FIRE>. No one knew it : makes one ashamed to be a
German.) / 1 house <buhnt up» : “Y’shoulda seen the ham
& bacon fly in the aih : the blazin’ bacon ! — Say, you can read
me that FOHST FIAH 0’ yoahs sometime.” : “I don’t have it here
with me, Auntee.” And she, out of sorts : “Eithah we’ah gonna
have to buy some foddah —”; (for 2 cows + | steer, in the barn.
Black pause. Shrug.) : “Oah butchah.” (And Hertha pulled her
face.)
(Better some other topic) : “Naturally if it’d be too excruciat-
ing for you... .”. — “Screwciatin’ —” she repeated taunting :
“You allays got the fanciest ex=pressions. — Couhse, you’ah
consid’rably moah levelheaded than y’ used to be... .”. (To
sidetrack her, I had decided to move on to Uncle Ludwig’s
death and her current situation.)
“How long was it you were married, Auntee ? — 30 years ?”. /
‘“Welll,” she said quite at ease : “Almost 35, my boy. — But
let’s not talk *bout the fyoon’ral : They all had hangkerchiefs
stufft in theah faces like they had the nosebleed — Some of ’em
jist on one side tho : as if y’ could cry with | eye, and not
t’othah. Mine was even black.” she added prowdly : it had all
been <nice’n’ propah.
Discomfited, I gave the stove \ «sandwich» (as I inventively
termed it); and the ladies watched : | briquette between 2 wide
bark=logs — : it immediately started whistling louder to itself;
the recluse. / (Wonder if I'll be a stove after I’m dead ? My
<light> has illumined No=One; burned me alone. — Well, for all I
care.) Then, pluckier again :
“Didn’t you have a good life with Uncle Ludwig ? — Auntee
Heeta ?”. — She gave her left black sleeve a comfy hitch. And was
at warm repose in herself; broadhippy=stovecozy; (I definitely
 B OONDOCKS @ 193

haven't got the stuff for a tiled=stove; iron pot=belly at best) —

“Aeh. He had his good sides too.” she said, (disagreeable fraze.
— Question : are all women like this after the death of their
ostensibly heertafore=beloved husbands ? Hertha, demon child,
nodded at once : nix suttee !). — “But, all the same, aftah thuhty-
five yeahs 0’ marrij, m’boy ... .”; (and noncommittally rockt
her mitey head). / 220%. /
: “Gettin’ old ain’t puhtty.” she said de=liberately : “Yoah
mem’ry gives out. — <Gray haiah wun’t be so bad tho; that can
look rite tol’rable —”; (and nodded in my 46=year=old direc-
tion : thanx a heep, ol’ crosspatch !) : “It’s moah dappah, don’t
y’ know. Make’s y’ look «’xpeeryenst>”. (to which Hertha gave
a nod; obviously mulling over implickations unconsidered till
now). “But all yoah gaskits staht leakin’, too : hem’rhoids ! — :
It’s enough t’ tuhn yoah stomick. —— And as fah as yoah Uncle
Ludwig in p’tickulah goes.....
“Who, beyond a doubt, is now with his Lord —” I interjected,
cautioning.....
“Hmyess; b’yond a doubt —”; she said pensively; “Altho you
of all people don’t know much ’bout that. — Well; mibbe some-
day we’ll be glad we’ah dead. Gettin’ old in this wuhld is no
fun : onst you’ve seen yoah thousand full moons ..... eM
(Pause. But she was a great deal stronger than anyone I’ ve ever
known) : “Yoah Uncle Ludwig ’tanyrate ... .” (once again I
raised my hand, a la <who is, beyond a doubt» ? — But she con-
tinued unflinching) :
“He was 20 yeahs oldah than me y’know. And all he could
do was spluttah : from foah & aft. — Toahd the end.” she added
with apology. / And gave a brief ponder — with no interruption
from shockt & toucht us — to that mutual till=death=do=us=part
affare. And gave a scratch to her fat left breast. And took a
Mokkona=swallo. And then said :
“Atchily, ev’ry woman outta have 2 men.” (And gave it a nod,
too.) Hertha nodded also. And I leapt up; and shouted : “/
always heard : <Every real man, actually ought to have 2
women» ? !”. — (They just pulled their mouths wide to grin.) /
And Auntee Heeta, all simpathy : “Tuhn on the nooz, would
Vine Cee
News ? : If only 51% of humankind were wise, 100% ’d be
happy ! (But when the wind blows from Bonn, I get a head-
ache on gen’ral principle : the <Big Picture» was sure to take
194 M ARNO SCHMIDT

pressidunce again.) ..... / : “Beep=beep=beep : At the sound

of the tone” it was 7 p.M.; and away we went : <Haine a la
Royauté> | ae.

assurance; we’ ve heard that it is quite certain; there can be noth-

ing more certain than; it is considered certain; there is as good
as no dowt whatever now; secret sources assure us; there is now
sollid word; there is sollid reason to believe; to presoom; a
roomer is making the rounds; a not unrelieable conversaytion is
making the rounds; it has been corrobberated; there is said to
be firm news; we have been assured; it is all butt certain; it is
e’en now believed; there is said to be news; it is claimed; it has
been disclosed that; several people claim to know; there have
been assurances; they say; it is presoomed, it is reported : ac-
cording to the report; according to legend; it is now said; as we
hear; word is goyng round; a conversation is going; a rumor;
a rumor has been spreading; someone has been spreading; a
rumor has arisen; vanished; is breaking at this very moment;
the scuttlebutt is; it may be infurred; the whole affair looks like;
by all accounts; talk is; as per on-dit; as per hue & cry : THE

1 amendmeant to the Draft Law ? : “Unrealized Nation, how

many other matters ought you consider !”. / (And Auntee Heeta
respectful; heedfull of the fact that I had been soldier & POW
for seven long years : “Let it be. — Jist listen.”). /Ne pouvant me
corrompre, ils m’ont assassiné : and on went the helleborose
farrago.) And every word was as phony as a frilly toilet seat. /
And Auntee Heeta nodded as well : “If theah is a God ? : at the
least he’s lost the gen’ral puhspecktive. All I need to do is think
back to last summah : I wouldn’t wanna change places with
him. — I allys say to m’self : vex youah fella=creachuhs as little
as poss’ ble. And if you’ ve got a bit left ovah, why give a child a
li'l sumpin’.” She shrugged those mitey shoulders : “’nd foah
the rest, I wuhk.” This passing=decisive thought came to her as
well : “’nd if theah’s neithah pines noah jun’ pahs in pah’dise : J
won't be stayin’ long.”
<Conchienchus Objection» ? : When even the SPD, the so-called
<oppozishun>, votes <for national defents> ? : “They’d do better
to disband; My prediction for them: in ’61 they’ll get no more
than 15% of the vote.” (<Coalishun & Oppozishun> ? : that’s
like <Nix & Anti=nix> !). —
 3 OONDOCKS Mm 195

<Flag of Disunion> ? : “Well ! : hammer sickle laurels — tools &

plants, rite — seem a lot more preferable to me than some kinda
clobbered Behemoth o’ Prey ! a lion or a vulture or whatever.” /
The teretismata of a bishop concerning <authority> : claims the
name’s Dibelius. / (What we lack is a journal like Fauchet’s
<IRON MOUTH>. Although the OTHER PAPER isn’t all that bad of its
type.) / “Will we not soon face tribunals judging matters of faith
& heresy ? !”. (Lambe mihi ! : a man who expresses his opinion
only in the form of a hypothesis is a cowward ! : I steadfastly
believe — and I’m not joking — in the value of having a man like
Gerhard Eisler stand=up and calmly assert in plain German :
our Herr Chancellor is a this & a that : J listen to my gimme=
good=ol’=Leipzich every evening ! And hardly a day goes by
that I’m not forced by our government to rejoice in the existence
of the GDR : not because they’re a <bulwark of free speech> — on
the contrairy; the writers over=there are truly poor basturds ! —
but as counterbalancing forces that must always be taken into
consideration, our two big semi=states are invaluable : it’s
the only thing that prevents the most perfidious terror on both
sides : those guys over=there can’t hit full throttle on <commu-
nism> : and <our guys> can’t hit full throttle on <cath’lick plus
nazi> — I calls ’em like I sees ’em !)
(1 jet bomber with nukeleer load, kids waving from belo : “Alle-
gory of a hiatus in manuscripti; and of 60% of the German
population.” / (And the incessant discreet urging of <press
laws» and <self-control> : “Many’s the time Stupidity has en-
visaged itself to be an invulnerable orgunization : «federal
broadcasting», ain’t that it ? !”). / And threw a shindig in Bonn
for Castiella, the Spanish foreign minister : “Are the ’muricans
blind deaf ’n’ dumb ?”. (The Tommies, thankgod, were slowly
waking up. And, of course, <Legion Condor» sounded so sweet
& homey in a country where the «German Reich Party> would
soon be runner=up in votes. (And for the others, the forgetfull
ones, it was all so long ago, as if the events in question had
occurred under the Merovingians.)
“The heinies.” Auntee Heeta said indignantly; (and it was per-
fectly possible she meant our <authoritease> — she. was capable
of many things); when the chancellor claimed yet once again to
have <spoken in the name of all Germans>. : “Not in mine.”
she firmly affirmed; (and Hertha & I nodded also : not in ours
neither !)
196 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

“Has a «Bundestag President» ever Ice risen to call his parlia-

ment to disorder ?” — (Yes; Marat ! The only one to sound the
alarm, and loudly, for that worldview; even at the awful price of
being wrong : “If Iwere to name myself after someone, it'd be
Him !” : Me.) / “I don’t botha t’ vote ’ny moah eithah,” Auntee
Heeta said in reproach : “I’Il no longah be respons’ble : jist
think how easy my vote could damn a twenny=yeah=old to
militarry suhvice — ‘nd him not wantin’ to go atall !” / (And
meanwhile the Russians’ LUNIK I was orbiting relentlessly :
“Looks like ’t’s the decree of <’ternal> providents that Russia’s
to be one of the two nations to survive.” (And Hertha nodded,
recollunaring : we’ll pick up where we left off rite afterward,
my sweet. (I admit I’m <wicked> : so may I go so far as to call
myself <good> ?))).
“Wellwell : As Benjamin Franklin said of the balloon : <Like it
or not, the babe’s been born — let us at least look to it that he gets
a good education.»”. And gave Auntee Heeta a coaxing look : ?
/ But she just dismisst it with a toss of her head, <thusly> : “Not
them, m’boy. The’ah crucks jist bout ev’ rywheah in the highah
itchelons. Or finanseeahs. — As long as the’ah still people who
think being a soljah is sumkinda callin’ inlife..... *: and shook
it once again : “Yoah not p’tickly fond o’ gentlemen of that
colah y’self.” (Too troo. Specially when y’ can’t see the cloth
for all the chevrons.) / : “Leave it on a bit :
Weathah repoht’s comin’ up.” / And up it came : Intermittent
clearing. Some danger of scattered frost. (“Oh, [Pll have t’
covah my roses !””). Toward morning, patches of lite fog would
form. Then once again <like=lyhood of presipitation> : Ann
Throppomore fizzation of nature by meteorological jargon.
From tomorro afternoon on, then, back to the usual=seasonal
<showers>. (And Hertha pulled Her face : “Meaning we can
drive back in the rain. In the dark.’’).
Clearin’ the table : orts & sundry quick as a bunny. (The dis-
tant dog roared a few times too — jujjing by which he was also
getting his share). / Hertha, white stoneware discs in her
hands, offered me “1 poke in the chops” when I gallantly made
to <give her a hand>. (But then Auntee Heeta reappeared on
the seen; the two in steddy relay; out=in, out=in, like on the
stage.) / : “Why don’t y’ sho huh the Oak Bosket : suah
not t’ staht befoah quahtah aftah eight; They allys wait till
ev rybody’s theah.” / And now Hertha again; the door whim-
 5 OONDOCKS m 197

pered on its hinges; and she imitated it, nervis and spitefull : !. —
And off she went. / “My, is that child fijjity.”; Auntee Heeta;
commiserating. Also : “’nd does she like it heah, in=gen’ral ?
What’s she thinka the place ?” And deftly, since in trotted Lady
Tall ’n’ Slender again, reconnoitering the rest of the dishes :
“Go’n up and get y’selves ready. That way y’ can take a whiff of
aiah befoahhand.”
And so upstairs=united :; first one flight; then the 25=watt=
twilite of a little hallway; (“These chests ’re nice” she said, off-
handed, agreeable. “And all the nooks : ’t’s not so itsy=bitsy
after all.”’”). /Then the even steeper climb up, to our garret.
Ill=lumination : first flashlite; then candle. / She lookt gloom-
ily about : the old=brown wooden=walls; (“Fine old beams,” I
said, in an intentional brown study, to cheer her up : “And
nice’n’ warm, isn’t it ?” (All the same, by way of precaution I
gave this cast-ironer | <sandwich>, too.)) / “Uh-hmmm.” But it
did sound somewhat more cheerful. / “And this lovely wide
bed.” : “Uh-hmmm.” she said submissively. Took off her jacket
and blouse; pulled 1 breast out of what remained, and observed
it critically; (small, and with angry red dots, like a thunder=
goddess’s — after I was permitted bare=ly 1 kiss; and a wee bite
of it with me mitt. — : “No don’t start bellyachin’ : you’ll get
ram=studious nuff later on !” (From <litterarum studiosus>
p’r’aps ?). And so, grieved, I steppt away from her. And, as an
ersatz, placed the large color=foto of her on the floor at my side
of the bed. (The one where she’s sitting at her drawing board
next to the lamp : paint boxes and water bowls about her;
bottlettes, tubes and «Bright Stones». Allround.)
She slowly presst it down in again : “’bout as barren as in
here; must be what it looks like up=there, huh ? They can’t ’ve
furnisht it all that much diff’rent, either.....
ef Living quarters, with glass=block walls, meaning
transloosent, dividing them : fam’lies and married couples to
themselves; bachelors and =ettes always paired 2 by2.....
“So that in this case,” she supplemeanted :
Charles & George. / And I hit the switch at the door : What
good’s the longest neon=tube, if there’s no picture hangin’ on
the wall ? ! (Sure : our <Ms Painter — who’d been a pattern
designer on earth —
“Listen here, don’t you go bringing me into this,” she said
>

thunderstruck; and I, pretending at least as much amazement :

198 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“But of course I bring you into it, constantly ! : You’re the

model for all my fem’nine figures.” : “She that believeth.” she
said skeptically : “For the fat cab’nit secretary, too ?” : “Spe-
cially her : emulation, my love, emulation... ..
“<Ms Painter>=pff’ George; cattily; because he had given it a
vain whirl : both cozying up to her and landing | picture. For
her collages, and/or de=collages, she got big money, too; (defi-
nitely wasn’t easy either, coaxing materials together : for many
a hole she would.....
“Psst !” George; at the left wall of our room, (and kept pressing
against it by turns : Eye Ear & Mouth). Because the Saunder-
sons lived nextdoor; since, given the sheer shortage of textiles,
most folks had taken to going naked at home.....
She greast her lips : red as peanut skin. Was about to give her
head a moralist’s shake. But thought better, more reasonably of
it; and said charytably : “Naturally if there’re no women, why
ThcUMIL SSSS ewe
(<Ventre affamé n’a pas d’oreilles ?> : are you in for a sir-
prise !). /And we eves=droptt with zeal. And strained to peek :
how one of the shadowies kept doing hasty bends — (: “Hey :
standin’ up. From behind !” George raspt, bereft of all
decensee; (and I couldn’t help myself either, made myself dark,
and what if the vieux bagmate would soon be 60 — well, in the
foreseeable future, there’d be no litebulbs left : then you
wouldn’t see it ny more at least !).
“Now he’s layin’ her on the table !” Joorj cried, (so loud that the
hem of the shadows cast a hasty glans our way.) “Tracassier” I
said in disgust. Also : “C’mon, the other wall.”
The other wall ? : cause the Pattersons were just putting their
kids to bed, a la «make me a pious=liddle child> : <that Imay go
”
to earth>” —
it struck me to dot my i=dea; and Hertha giggled, piqued=com-
passionate. “Sure,” she said : “To them the earth must seem like
Paradise Lost”
abit a theory that was rapidly winning adherents. “No won-
der,” George said caustickly : “What ’ve the poor little buggers
got but their stone buildin’ blox ? — Best thing’d be to buy some
ourselves.” (And, wilder again, (because Mrs. Saunderson had
just let out | ravishing little scream) : “Well, don’t you guys
in Congress be surprised.....
“|... Uf they all don’t become deviants in dew time.” Hertha said
 #, OONDOCKS m 199

ingenuously; (not realizing what all she mite end up sanctioning

with that; but
we had long since, in most secret session, considered all the
possibilities : rear=loading and caunic love; lesbezein labda
laikastria oris stuprum andrizomai siphniazein phoinikizein
keletizein; polyandry as a refined form of prostitution. ....
. even back in earthly times, there existed ” I interposed
“e

bitterly, “females who — with cold & utter sobriety — adfucated :

<that every woman should actually have 2 men>.” Shegrinned,
(<NIGRIN or the Morals of a Filosofer>), and used her hands to
stroke a new skirt round her pelvis, to make it lie smooth &
slim, from adigean valley to the belt. (“What that list of words
ending in <. . . zeim means, I’ll be happy to ’xplain & sho to
you : but then don’t start complainin’ in the <midsta things>”’.)
ie they say, y’know, with the Russians it’s just the reverse, an
incredible syrplus of women. : “Damnit, then let’s . . .”; but,
true patriot, he caught himself again; and presst his lips one atop
the other; and razed his head prowdly : “. . . not thro in the
towel. — We’ll find a s’ lution somehow.” (And was thinking, as
I well knew, of <war> again : “Dammit=George : isn’t it enough
that the earth is futsch .. .” But he didn’t even hear me — :
“Quiet...” -)-
Surenuff : the chuck wagon was rolling up : (why do you sup-
pose, given the meaning of the verb, <they>» had come up with
the word <chuck> as slang for invigorating nourishment —
p’r’aps a foreboding of our lunar diet here ?). / George was
already storming the door. And I, tho at least as curious &
hungrious, followed with more measured step. (“Parliamentary
office binds.” Mumford had recently, and so aptly, said. (Yet
another verb of dubious meaning.). Hoyce, woolgathering as
usual, had asked “‘binds what ?”; but No One deigned to answer
him. — <Binds what ? !> : Takes all kinds !).
“No eggs ?!” : like a bull Joorj bellowed in the corridor. “<Lim-
ited air=resources dictate abstension from all nonessential
shouting & singing.>” the mess sergeant recited coolly. While
his lady=helper bent down into the high=wheeled freezer —
<archly>; any connotation of <gothick, etc.» being wide of the
mark — and as always, the site of her neckline and contents once
again provided George considerable distracktion; (which was of
course the reason behind our having expressly encouraged
Betty to take on the job; and the flirty fiend did her duty
200 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

gladly : didn’t she hand giddy Joorj those troughs of milk-

pooridge with a smile as if she were serving up equal portions of
necktar ?). / Only after we were back inside, silently locking the
pooridge in our pantry, did it strike him, yet again : “No bread,
no butter ? — No cheese.” he added gloomily; (not a day went
by but what he sang me a hymnlet in praise of cheddar or
roquefort : granted : it had been a delite. But what good did that
do ?)
“And the Russians, y’say, serve fresh liver . . . ?” he whispered,
deep i thotoht= a
“You’re really Slavo=pheelic, aren’t y’ ? - Deep down.” Hertha
inquired, pondering : “Think I should put on a coat ?” “I pheel
you & you alone, sweetheart ! Don’t even pheel myself. —” I
said indignantly : “’nd it’d be a good idea to put your coat on;
we’ ll stretch our legs a bit beforehand.....
pate and then, after we’d stored away our splendid evening
snax, we went and washt our slater=hands; (during which I told
George about the malice of our poet. But he didn’t see anything
wrong with that; on the contrary, was proud that the school-
kids ’d learn to respeckt his post. - Maybe in fact that’s how it
oughta be taken ?). (And pluck the fuzz outa the plug of our
glass sink — <Fuzz & Plug & Sink> : we'd finally reacht the stage
where even the simplest activities ..... — And it gurgled like a
drowning man making his hasty downward departure
mentee making downward departure : so we climbed back down
the lovely wooden ravine, flashlites in our chops. (After I had
first given the little stove a good talking to; before I gave him
the 2 bricketts ’'d promised — plus 1 <for being good>. — He
stinkered away in delite; until I set the draft=door just rite — then
he <drew>. (But better close it just a wee again; so that it'll
hold until our return home — : so. —).). / “Did y’ blow out the lite
too ?”. (And so once more, with inward curses, back up. —) / :
“Course it was out, dead out”. But she, unbearably pennywise :
“Can’t be too sure.” (Then something about <flickity> ? — : ““Ad-
jective for describing someone careless in the handling of flam-
mable materials.” she anglicized mallustily.)
Auntee Heeta (and the old gray tailless house=cat climbed
slowly in the massive branchwork of her black limbs) : “O
you'll be back Jong b’foah nine thuhty : I'll knit ’n’ read the
meanwhile. — And then we’Il take anothah toah thru the house. —
“njoy yuhselves.” (And gave | brief & brawny nod : ! ——
 Boonpocks
M # 201

* *
*

Sera / ee ee te 8 at)
: “So tell me : how is she related t’ you — xactly ?” : “Auntee
Heeta ? — : Well, my mother — ?”; (she gave a nod to each
suxxessive determinant) : “She had a step=sister fifteen years
older than she was ? — : She’s her=daughter.” (She digested it
several times.)
“The boondocks. — “ she said deprecatingly : cross the road, in
the black maw of the barn, autochthony recumbent. A tree
rustled elderly. The ev’nin’ wind walkt behind us :
: “C’mon Joorj : let’s go to the social room : change o’ seen.”
“You preach health like a sick man.” he said gloomily; but came
along of course; (alone, in that hole, your thoughts’d only turn
to dyin’n death.)
On past I of the 3 shops : «HANDICRAFTS». / And stop. And check
out the knickknackery : —/ Whimsy pots : when they turned out
slim, they called ’em vases. Plates with some kinda <cave paint-
ing>; (except substantially worse than in Combarelles. — And
did the shock ever hit me, deep within : was this the result, that
100,000 years ago they had better paintings than we=here ? !). /
Chess tables, too, checkerbored lunabat and lunarit. / But
nothin’ new.
: “Sure is. Here.” George; sullen. —: 2: ’sindeed ! : <ash trays» !
(When we had, I guess, something more than 2,000 cigarettes
still in stock. As if to taunt us.) / “Well, there’ll soon be a new
store.” I attempted to buck George up. (But he didn’t hear me at
all; his thoughts were all of <LUCKY STRIKES>.)
The rustling oax. The voices of the mill. The light of the lamp. A
truck grumbled distantly on its thin asfalt road; endless woods
on both sides; the shotgun slept; (he should be sculpted into a
roadsign, and set on the hiway to Tewel.....
aes: - “Here. Take a look at the earth —”; I held out my
pocketscope to him; (for there it stood now, litely swollen, hi in
the plexiglass.) He grabbed the telescope in disgust. (And took a
clumsy hold of it; the way a man holds his urinator....
(Hertha nodded knowingly).....
Gazed at the worsted globe for but a brief moment. / : “Why is it
you’re not supposed to look at the new earth over your left
shoulder ?” he then inquired : “’t’s what Patterson claimed
202 M ARNO SCHMIDT

th’other day.” : “Aeh, superstitious dude !” I said contemptu-

ously; (the ideas they come up with as time goes by !). / And
Joorj was still in a rotten mood; he satyrized any constellation
he could wreckognize.....
She stoppt rite there, and peered critickly : into branchified
heights, and, further, into the moutons : clear sky inbetween,
salted with stars. Over there, they were even more barbwiry,
breaking out of their corrals. / “Hmmm.” she said indecisively :
“Yes, I’d say so too : twas a poor man who lit the sky. - How
late’s it getting to be ?”. (And then automatickly checkt her
ristwatch even before I had to hummm my refrainlet again.) /
“Well; I s’pose we could go on in, don’t y’ think ? —”. And gave
a little sigh. And tenst up some more again. And fretted &
fidgetted : “Or would y’ like to just stay out here ? And after-
wards just say that we’d gone ?”. (But shook her head sadly at
her=self, too : s’much the better; that way, I don’t have to. But
then did anyway) : “Are you ever | bundle of wnhappiness=
girl ! : ’ma shy person myself; but you . . . ?” —
: “C’mon.: let’s get a breatha s’fisticated air.” And dragged her
thru the door of the inn, rumpusruction bedlamlevel; on past the
register; (where 1 saucy codger boomed like an empty barrel
while extorting 1 German mark per head : well, for that much
wampum they’re gonna have t’ offer somethin’)
Into the hall, where 50 bony chairs awaited their occu=pants.
(Which is to say, 20 were already in them : farmers in heavy
garb; hair of black=white=red twine; with leathry hands, 5
thumms on each.) / “You’re gonna get in trouble yet with your
turns o’ fraze.” she remarkt agreeably. We sat ourselves <on
the far=left fringe» — (I know : that way you’ve got Nobody
on | side; and on t’other nobody=but=me for a neighbor, my
sweet sadsack ! Whisprings at wants) : “Am I your nobody=
but=me ? Admit it, otherwise .. .”. But she was still too self-
conscious; just went “M”; and touchingly begged : “Tell me
more sweet things.” / So I gathered up talents & wits; and sol-
emnly declared : “Starling. Coral. Leaf of clover. — : Violet.”
(She repeated it with silent lips. Then britening up : ?. Obvi-
ously laid them on a still darker blue back=ground : ? ! —: “Hey
— that’d make a kids=pattern !”. Inez=Bisnez.)
As it slowly filled up : “Oh, lookathat...” : an elderly couple
pathetickly propping each other on in; bent ice=gray catar-
rickety, (and with faces fully bereft of belief). Where the aisle
 HOONDOCKS Ml 203

narrowed, he doddered ahead; his hat at a wicked jut out over

his brow; (she unraveled her way, alone, along the wall. (And
Hertha, toucht, was just about to emit another <lookathat>, when
the ollady suddenly developed sufficient power & agility to
jab her spouse in the rear with the blunt tip of her cane : once
they'd reached the row that was the object of her fancy. — :
“Lookathat !”; (but this time considerably more realistic :
cooler=headed.))
Naturally, it had to be a chainsmoker who planted himself next
to me; with crookit chin and scarlit handlebar : he wiped dirty
hands off on dirty trouser legs; and then gave me a look of calm,
self-assured ignorants. / Beside him, then, a chic curiosity : yel-
low shoes, long-shafted parasol. The fixt face white as silk,
aghaid sneachda, half snow half moon. The bundle of chopstix
hung from the suit=jacket’s yellow tube, (but not for long; she
then folded both hands before her over the parasol handle :
Happy Boneweavin’ to You !). /My smoker immediately turned
his mouth into a chimney — (the smoke was obviously happy to
escape him, flying upward so strait & quick !) — and morsed me
telegrafickly with facetious, man-o’-the-world lynx=eyes. (So
she’s the village whore. Ahwell; y’ can’t always drive clear to
Hanover.)
But since most people are ugly, there was something depressing
—“T’]l grant y’ that, Hertha.” — about scanning this collection of
50 clotted countenunces here. : / Upfront a lusty plump brow; at
the sides ears hanging like rags. (“Big rags” Hertha amended,
without altering her lips.). Whereas, the back of the head lookt
like it had been sawn off; (“’nd the fello wasn’t shy with his
saw neither.’’). / Hirsute Sacksins, with noses unblown : moist
muzzles. / And more dreadfully shiny bald pates. | craggy face
nursed its cigar butt in its own pipe. Wrinkly virile=nex : with
heads=turned, the skin formed naught but rhommby. / The
latreen of a mouth : circum=wobbling 3 teeth; tottering for
words, allewding, mandibbling. / In the oval bed of warts.
(“Stopit ! Enough to bring my dinner . . . : d’y’think I athese-
days our faces won’t look just as —” (she searcht for the word) —
“as raggedypatcht ?” : “First, it is my hope the Lorp will take
me unto Him beforehand . . .” (“He doesn’t like you.” she said,
with firm conviction : You know nothing ’bout the mentality of
the true collector !). “Besides which, these gentlefolk mite’ ve
taken the opportunity to bathe; and brush their teeth. — And
204 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

shoved their rear=corx in a bit tighter !” I added in exasspera-

tion; because it had just flown out of my good neigh=bore with
a nice audibull popp. (And even added a laugh, rejoicing in
his own viggah, crude & cis=Taunian : <We ahr the Lowah-
Sax’ns ! — “To be sure Mallord Dookwidukind’s aroma
couldn’t ’ve been all that much diff’rent.” And he was digiting
webbily again : As no man can draw in his breath at once, and
force air out beneath.) (The yello longhanded bitch next to him
greeted his pro=duction with appreciative teeth.)
Of great rarity, pretty women or tol’rable specimens : but here
came one now, virginal=tuff, asstriding past : a fifteen=year=
old with the orbs of her eyes still a borne undiscovered; the
large lid long-fringed. / 1 boisterous towhead ran up & down,
amusing himself by giving each chair a slap; and disappeared
next to the curtain — I promist him a starring=role on the spot ! /
“T recited a poem in school once,” Hertha confesst, “’nd got
stuck. — For a long time afterwards, the other kids’d tag after me
shoutin’ it.” she concluded, agrieved. (My neighbore, who had
now begun to smell of White Litenin’, too, whispered briefly to
his lady —, ?, - who nodded with sharp-boned gestures & sweet
meloncholly; MAD MWASELL & RED BOOK; and the bloody thread
of her upper lip gave the lower a scathing kiss.) / While the lites
slowly went down.....
In their place, however, 2 modest little foot spots now; into
whose raydiants the teacher was stepping; the steadying little
booklet in her service=worn hand; your basic gray spin=stir, 1
whole life long : no one gets spared the spectacles. / Apologized
(anemic, too, despite the tone of the tutor) for the hi price of
admission. But the seenry & costumes had cost over 50 marx. /
Swiped her face to the other side of the hall; and addressing the
parents seated there, praised their children, who, one & all, would
soon tred the boards; (at which point the pale=faded red curtain
behind=her billowed more excitedly; and the backstage=
whisprings grew louder. — Our language is hisswork & sorcery,
good graymalkin. (Whoever contests this fact, should speak this
sentence once again. Or crow a loud <gasworx>.).
(Sing out, sweet fiddles, with hummming & diddles. Sing, trum-
pets blaring, of slawter & daring. Trombones, blow raucous, to
shock us. / (Here’s scen’ry, here’s liting, pro=cessions inviting :
of Kal=muks & Tartars, of Mon=gols & martyrs, men of all
hues & all races : their victories & their disgraces !) Woodwinds
 5 OONDOCKS M 205

start piping, crying & griping; and good oboeist, squawk

comme il faut-est: the flute now mourns, hark, hunting horns,
the booming bass now — — : uh=booms” (nothing else struck
me) : “Up goes the curtain ! : all’s silent as tombs... .. )
“Djou write that ?” she whispered, in bemused appreciation. :
“Well; yessen=no.” (I like to lie, when I’ve got the time : there’s
something so ordinary bout the truth, don’t y’ think ?).....
And behold ! : <Act One : a room». / (And cleverly laid out, so
that you were looking more or less into one corner : on the rite,
the shorter wall, with 1 door in it; on the left, the longer, with
door & windo. (Further to the left, a bit of street, so that you
could <enter the house» from outside : “Pretty darn smart.” And
Hertha, too, shook her red head in agreement. (We hadn’t been
to the <theater> in Nordhorn for a good 6 months now. And in
consequents were as ready for fun as any 2 small=towners.)
“Are those boox ? Lyin’ on the table=there ?” / Yes; a book-
binder’s workshop from the loox of it. A lime-branch hanging
from the ceiling for fly-catching on the cheap. (<The lamp, a tin
cup filled with seal oil, burning moss floating in it» : now where
had I read that ? Or maybe it was even by me=myself; invented
while mind=gaming a shipwreck in some Barents Sea or other ?
— Okay, let’s say : by me=m’self=alone.)
And the little girl stood there leaning on her broom. And stood
there — : — (I mean ever so deftly ! : <our> Ist ingenue in Nord-
horn was a 2nd-rater by comparison !) — and shook her head.
And made a coupla rustling brushes with her broom. And went
back to standing. Gave a sigh that set the hall booming. Opened
the etui of her crisp voice; and monno=logged.....
“Why must I got’ the botha o’ Tus ? !” —. / : “What with all the
wuhld pahrishin’ ’n any case : ’tis no mattah if the pahla looks
one way or ’tother, is it ?” / (Glancing petulantly=about) : “Can
’t be so late a’reddy. .. . : And my Petah not come yet ? — Well,
he’ll not be comin’ now neithah. — Don’t dah go see him m’self,
do I —: bein’ but a guhl ?”; (she added slyly. At the same time
asking the hall : ?. And gave an elaborate nod — (melancholy=
lusty, too) of her delicate teen=head : we’d got our mark’s
worth allready !).
“And I’ve no one t’ send in my stead. —. —. : Ah: is the Last Day t’
break, then, without me havin’ seen my Petah one lahst time ?”.
/ (She sank down — the broom firmly in her left hand — onto the
footstool behind her; rummaged in her little apron pocket; and
206 MB ARNO SCHMIDT

dried her eyes with her cloth. — Stammering and sobbing : “’nd
what a gifted lad he is : the pitchahs he can paint ! —”
(And let the cloth fall, and gazed accusingly into the audito-
rium) : Yestiddy he demanded a hunduhd kisses — : shame-
less !”. “But a genius . . .” she added, ever so wistfully : “Good
Lahd, a body ought t’ do sumpin’ foah aht now ’n’ then too —”
(and, now at <full weep», erupting) : “Oh ’f onny I’dda done

peep, over the edge of her tear-rag, to observe the effect : ? /

And I simply could not help myself : I gave her her first, loud,
hand : ! ! ! / (Some of the Messrs Granger present first lookt
at one another in silents. Then lookt=round at me. And having
establisht that they were dealing with the well-built outsidah,
who had been giving them the elegant & discontent eye a while
ago, several decided not to be left behind in matters of refined
taste. But the amat=eur in yello was ahead of them by 1
fracktion of a second. And her delicate bony applause really did
sound quite special compared to the clapboard thunder from the
other rustic mitts.) /The teacher peeked out, all perpleckst — she
was not used to such ovations for her troubles ! — but likewise
recognized the peculiar=source; and nodded in our direction.
Not <grate=full>, but knowing. / Then moved backward at once,
behind the litthe wooden wall, (where excited prattle had
commenst, the rest of her small academy : very good ! : Now we
had the rite mood for a preem=year.).)
But Mr. Peter came all on his own. (Piece 0’ cake; given that
chin !). (And here was Hertha with the familiar sidelong glants.
Also dispenst the familiar head=shake, a la <You=Men», and <all
alike». And <As long as it’s wearin’ a slip>. — : “Just keep your
men satisfied ! : Then there’s no danger whatever !”).).
Meanwhile up=there, the two were hugging : He — the towhead
from before, naturally; : “What'd I say ? !” — very grandly at-
tired. Presumably the vest of some ancient peasant=ancestor :
the buttonholes sticht with gold; thalers for buttons. And wide
carpenter breeches — the teacher had, it appeared, gone to great
lengths recalling novels of circa 1900 : how fluttery velvet was
a hallmark of the artist back then : if only the mention of
GERHART HAUPTMANN didn’t always make me think of that mad
foto, <As Skull=Pter in Rome» : another one o’ your charlotte=
tons ! — Well; part of the job, I s’pose.)
But Peter’s wide=shading hat, and fluttering knotted=scarf did
 # OONDOCKS m@ 207

add a most convincing=creampuff touch; so that many an older

farmer gave a due=bious nod : wouldna given theah daughter t’

: “Do all you fokes=roundheah truly b’lieve that this ev’nin’,

at 10 o’clock, the comet ’Il arrive. : And the whole wide wuhld
“ll pahrish ? ! / “Oh=yessindeed, Petah. : Fathah b’lieves it
cuhtain suah. That dis’ greeable lawyah, Mr. Krappe, convinst
him b’yond a doubt . . . ’nd dreadful fritenin’ it ’d be, too :
Petabs a? 23 ”. (She pressed <archly> against him.) / While out-
side, her <playmates> gathered on the street for a <rood cuntry
dants> — : definitely a d’rectorial gimmik on the part of the
teacher; whose job it was afterall to present — tick tock, lock &
stock — this hopefull progeny, the <upshot» of each marriage, to
their respective begetters assembled as young genii blossoming
prettily under her tootelage. / They do it on the grandest stages
too : <Let’s have a dance>. — Or if things threatened to get all
too boring, the venerable forester, <Hugo> was his name, would
demand...
. «Why don’t y’ sing me my fav’rite song, daughtah.> / So really,
no blame : they ringrosied & sang. / In their mothers’ skirts : one
even had on a silk blouse, and gazed allround her very prowd=
ly. (If you closed your eyes, the chorus sounded quaintly distant :
wonder if I was ever 12 once too ? I could no longer recall; but
that saucy shything somehow convinst me. (Hertha, too, offered
silent corroboration.) / And that sly, fast-talkin’ artist had, of
course, an easy time of it (<like innocent new potatoes» came
to me) convincing his wavering beauty to join in the can=can.
(Close the eyes, once again : ?/ Yes. / Though, as noted, you
had to forget that some were buckled up in the wrong clothes.)

And it was indoobitably worth seeing. / (Peter=the=Artist

cranked it out a bit too frivolously : conscious of his consider-
able external assets, he took his role too litely). / But now, THIS

(To wit : <Balder the Bookdealer>; the <Father>) : a working-

man’s apron upfront. Massive face; (would’ve been unbeliev-
able in a 13=yearold city kid; but since I knew my farmers, I
accepted it.) /His hands planted at both sides of his ribcage : his
ring fingers drummed, soft’n’slo, with cast=iron composure : All
he needed to do was cross the stage, and certain applause would
follo. / (After your 1st monno=log, you’ll get it : from me !).
208 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“Noz=one heah ?” — (The organ absolutely excitingly=unex-

cited, as if made of iron girders.) : “Hmmm. But 0’ coahse. ’Tis
custom’ ry in the Last Days.” / (Came to a halt, and stared coldly
into the hall, at 1 spot; my guess : at his own father ! : the only
person you can look at with such disdain=full=respect. )
He flung the apron to one side; it was the gesture of a man
who has had done with everything — with absolootly Every-
thing !. And from the appropriate front=belly=pocket, pulled a
watch — :
a watch, I say ! (Wonder if I should go backstage afterwords
and try to buy it off him ? In remembrants of the hour ? —
Most=likely came from the workshop of Peter Henlein himself;
not a bad buy in any case.).....
“Five o’clock .. .” (And with nothing appended to it; neither
question=mark nor exclamation=point nor so much as | period :
NOTHING !) : “We ahr fast approachin’ the great moment. 5
o’clock : 5 houahs : Adieu, O sinfull wuhld.” (He removed his
apron; folding it up carefully; and across the stool. Then both
hands raised again, in the old pose=ition) : “Well — we have done
with one anothah.” / (A knock ? Though exxessively obvious, as
if someone were pounding a nail with a hammer. — And he, pac-
ing back & forth, came to an immediate stop. And turned his
enormous head : slowly; as lions are wont todo.....
“Come in ?” / And it was a lisping civil subserviant :
“?deevnin’ Mistah Baldah !”. — And, the latter, stonily : “Good
nicHT. Good bailiff.” / (And back=and=forth now) :
: “Theah’s yet anothah lettah foah you Mistah Baldah, from the
mayah.” : “Is the mayah still both’ring to write lettahs ?”. (In
the hall, snickers of discreet disdain. Mutters.) / My neighbore’s
greasy eyes glistend : he had playced 5 cylindrickal fingers to
his rite, on the thin-slatted pelvis of his neighbor. I promptly
laid my left hand — tho pleadingly; I am but a shy man ! — on
Hertha’s : ? (The silly thing didn’t understand at first. But then
in=deed she did. And added the solace of an affirmative motion
of her rite thigh. “Hertha —”. (And yet another, promising=con-
soling : if only you were always so under=standing.))
“Wellll ; jist lay it down theah.” / (And the bailiff, simpa-
thetickly) : “Mistah Baldah —: ’morrer’s the due date... .”. The
in=sou=ciant fellow, icily : “That be not so.” : “But if you jist
read this .. .” : “I no longah read these scribblins.” The bewil-
dered catchpole (he wasn’t bad at all; except his thieves’ cant
 5 OONDOCKS m@ 209

was too thick) : “But morrer, at three shahp, yoah house’ll be

ocktioned off. That is, if y’ can’t pay up.” Glacially : “To night.
At 10 o’clock : all the creditahs & debtahs 0’ this wuhld Il
be sleepin’ undah the same heavy blankit.” : “B=but Mistah
Baldah — : you’ve alliz been sich an hones’ man : the ’thor’ties
think evahso highly of you. . .”. (But the indigentleman, drum-
ming with self-confidence, simply) : “’nd vicer vuhser.”
“The mayah ’d so much like foah y’ to be able to keep yoah
house .. .” (The genius gave a tug of his considering=cap) : “M’
thanx to him.” And the alguacil, departing : “Well, you’ah in
foah a suhprize : when you all wake up morrer mohnin’ — the
bakah makes his usu’! deliv’ry; ’nd all the stoahs open jist like
the day befoah : but youah pockits ’s empty ?” —
Balder, alone : “No helpin’ folks sich as that. : They won’t be-
lieve till they heah the trumpet.” / (That did it for Hertha ! : “Hey.
The x=act same doomsday=mood as up=top ! — Six o’ one...”
O and across the glistening ponds of her eyes ! (Which I wanted
to kiss then & there : she cleverly presst the lids tighter, so
that reeds grew. And opened and creast those lovely disklets,
most changeably : now wild ducks above as well; nimffs &
nimmfettes, encamped on the slope 0’ brows... ... . : “Ever so
refined, huh ?”. But she just grunted something about <he lies &
lies So liess) 2 Psstionk’
Then the «Mother» appeared; (with dreadfully big=stufft droop-
ing tits, down to her sinkture, and so strikingly realistick : you’Il
get ’em all on your own, my child. Except you won’t have that
shy ruddy face anymore; and that mad crowning barn of braids.
— “Well; ruddy she'll prob’ly always be,” Hertha objected.) /
And both <parental authorities» now called their sinfull child
in from her shameless dancing — altho little Justina swore in an
effervescing gush of consonnunts that nothing had happened
that was worth the trouble of a comet troublin’ itself over. (And
yet again, while carrying out boox, turning at the door, the same
assurinses ? : not a soul in the hall believed her now ! — “*Y’ can
be damn cuhtain she got huhse’f a peep in the myst’ry box.” my
neighbore muttered. And, in pure disbelief, lit himself another
butt.)
And now the parents, alone : “I’ve laid out your Sunday best
foah you, husband -.” And he, (at first with his back to the audi-
ents; something only really great actors ever dare) : “Fine.” /
And clappt her wifely hands together : “All my good chiner —” :
210 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“It'll be be ovah quick enough, my deah.” (Some comfort !). /

“But if that lawyah, Mr. Krappe, has fritened me all foah nought
— if I’ve had to call all my sins to mind foah naught. . .”
Now the ponderous figure moved into action; he whirrled
around, murderous rustic lust written on that face : “Listen
heah, wife — : now theah you’ve touched on a mattah . . . Wait
a moment; theah’s a knock : Come in ?” (He wouldn’t have had
to make special mention of it; this time the poltergeisting was
so loud you could have heard it 3 versts away — ah well; our
country folk love it laid on thick.)
And it was the couple=nextdoor : the two women bobbed curt-
sies to one another, like gaudy bushes. HE oversized farmhandy
flatfooted; and so absolutely non=master of his role, it could be
heard twice=over as a matter of principle : the prompting voice
of the teacher : and his own gruff stammeration. / The women
bemoaned the <chiner>; the <Dancin’ Elves» above the bed. The
men, more taciturn, compared <’ pinions> : Balder, all sturdy pity
for this poor blind fool; the blind fool, all crafty farmer : “Well,
I reckon I’d rathah go hang on the feedbag.” (And received, of
course, deafening applawse for such witty repartee. Particularly
incontrovertible since it was heard twice over. But Balder only
crosst his arms in disdeign, and glared after him as he left : ! —
(Good work, my boy. — Ought to be some way to send a basket
of sausages to him in the dressing room after the sho.).)
But now he resumed that nasty broadness of shoulder : “Tell me,
m’ good woman... : jist what soht a —” (cunningly) : “— sinsss
those mite be. That vex you so?” But she, evasive again :
“Aehbbh . . .”. (And he found that indeed he had to point out to
her how it simply would not do if she were to wait until the last
moment of doomsday, as was apparently her original intention,
before revealing these sins to him) :
“Foah I have resolved —” (he; with due deliberation) : “that we,
as is seemly for christchen spouses, shall pehrish in each=oth=
ah’s=ahms.” (He enunciated these final syllables much too
emfatically — most patently the teacher’s fault.) /(My neighbore
seemed strangely excited — pickturing “in each other’s arms” in
quite another fashion p’r’aps ? For he had his neighborlady’s
thigh in his hand; (almost all=the=way in his hand); —: she sat
insensate as a broom; («stand up on 2 legs; let 1 head appear :
should I follow his exam=pull with Hertha ? Why shouldn’t I
act like ordinairy folk for once in my life ? (But to be on the
 BOONDOCKS @ 211

safe=side, I contented myself with simply laying my hand on it.

Which of course made the move totally worthless; for I never
got a lassie by bein’ bold & sassy; and the upshot is I’ve always
ended up looking the fool. She just stared at me — : ! — At which
I removed my hand from her skirt : the poodle, if you train him
Titer eat )
: “Foah amid that huhly=buhly, if you should confess some
misdeed : mite I not be dismayed ? : thrust you a=side ? ! — :
And at the verry moment . . .” / And she; steadily losing heart,
taking frite : “Well 0’ cohsse. That’s true. — Ah, what a writched
sinnah I am: ’nd feelin’ evuh so feahful again... !”. He, how-
ever, utter benevolence, aware of his power : “Yesyesss. All the
moah reason to confess now.”
“I didn’t...” (and the pitiful fumbling at her apron strings !) :
“...alliz give you a puhfect accountin’ o’ the milk money —”
(all zealous solemnity) : “But ev’rythin’ I bought with it is
hangin’ in my clothespress.” / And he, the roots of his hands
presst to his ribs, his short, massive caesarean prophy] tilted
litely forward : “Well, if that ain’t —’. But then, in control again,
crossing his arms anew, cautiously, to spare her : “Alrite.
Youah sin shall perish with you : ’tis done.”
(But now it got stickier) : “Oh=husband — in the fuhst yeahs o’
marriage .. . Oh do not hold it ’gainst me : you nevah woulda
luhned a bit of it if the wuhld wuhn’t about to perish ‘nd all...
those fuhst=yeahs then : I didn’t find you all that han’some —”.
(And now those thespian arms slowly fell to his sides. But then
he had to lift them again, intertwining, more constricktor=like) :
“T see.” — : “Yes; those fuhst yeahs I wasn’t so pahtickly taken
with you.” (Reply; pitiless; rumbling still in the distance) : “No-
ticed summat o’ that at times.”
“nd jist at that time the man o’ the cloth was still livin’ with
see
2 “Wife!!!” —(whoa, that was a bolt; struck right through your
sandbagged breasts, did it ? — But he had really roared it, too,
dazing the little thing, so that she stumbled — all the more natu-
rally — back from him. (Tho she must have been used to it from
rehearsals. Or had he, clever planning, held back with his vocal
capabillyties ? — In any case, he was the star ! He and the daugh-
ter from before.) / And the farmers yowled : an audients like in
the days of Hanssax; the old themes really still do work. (And a
writer who decides to use them has easy work of it.).)
212 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

(Quaking & babbling) : “And so now ‘nd again I'd think — :

What if GOd ’d mibbe arrange it so you’d be taken up into his
realm 0’ heavnly peace . . .”. (And he, truly a human=wreck
now) : “Oh thou most innick=witous woman.”
But luckily in came Lawyer Krappe, daddylong-legging; and
tossing his thorax about. Sniffing like a fly in every corner. And
luckily found some leftover bread; hacked himself off a hunk;
(and the hall nodded bitter : ahyes these pettifoggers ! Without
whom, on the other hand, these farmers wouldn’t want to live.)
/ And Peter the painter fluttered back in again, too, on necktied
pinions; to prevent his tasty sweetheart from being turned into
<skrapple> before doomsday. — They all threw each other out;
(this, too, a scene guaranteed to win applause.)
And night fell, (which was suggested by turning off 1 spotlite.) /
And the night watchman went about his busyness with the
dilligents the German civil servant commonly devotes to what-
ever task is assigned him, be it the foulest in the world; with
pike lantern and manchon. / (And, in superfluous confirmation
— superfluous, because it is simply aut aut : either a night watch-
man : or a clocktower ? — came a mighty rattle. And <release>;
and then it struck Fauste=damnatus fashion . . . / <All those on
stage now form a meaningful tableau» /. . . Daughter & painter
peered in thru the window; ready to elope if the oldman still
could not be convinced or refused to surrender.../:?:
TEN : TIMES !
And a flabbergasted Balder opened his eyes. / And his wife wept
quietly, for joy, at still being there. / And Peter the Painter be-
gan, with startling realism, to kiss his little Justine up’n’down.
(“Country kids are far more debaucht than city kids.” I attested
in reply to Hertha’s look of amazement). / Krappe, who was
trying to leech his way, soundlessly, along the wall toward the
door — “The <Leech Prince» by ETA Hoffmann ? : a phallick
symbol.” [ informed Hertha — and once there bounst off the bai-
liff. (Behind whom stood the night watchman as a back-up.). /
Balder, who was on the edge of bankruppsy in any case, literally
pickt him up off the floor : and the poor wretch now lost his top
hatand li lapeliay sn. (and here came another out=burst of enthu-
siasm. Especially, since it turned out that Peter the Artist came
from a rite respecktubble and well-off family after all, who
sooner or later would knock this painting nonsense out of him.)
/ We stood up — hands barking and baying on all sides; ours,
 BOONDOCKS M@ 213

somewhat more distanst, joining in — while the others stayed

seated : we were the elegant strangers=inahurry; and the plane
for Isfahan wouldn’t wait. / (Behind us, growing weaker, the
gray voice; which, almost fading to nothing now, announst fu-
ture performances . . .). /But before we could find the rite door
by which to ex=it, the quibbling voices of several farmers were
hot on our heels... 22):

(One’s collective legs were stiffer here, too, than in the city.
(Besides which, wasn’t my rump moist’ning ? I gave my cheex
a dreary jostle.).)
“Shall we take another turn by moonshine ?” (Whereas I knew
perficktly well that it wouldn’t rise till after midnite — if nothing
happened in the meantime. And tho there was little wisdom oth-
erwise : one=thing I had slowly learned in life, that women, be
they single or married, never know when the moon’s going to
rise ! But whether this little discov’ry 0’ mine might suffice for
the ’Ternal Judge come the day ? Cause otherwise I hadn’t
much else of a pozzitive nature to offer. (Come to think of it, not
much of a neggative either. And gave my cheex another, even
drearier jostle.).)
“Yeess; in school.” she said, with no enthusiasm : “MACK=BETH
— oh shiver my timbers. — I know : that ain’t in the play.” she
added hastily. / We had wandered off, and no wonder, into
<reading plays>. / And for the first few minutes outside, she
could never see anything. It took an extraordinarily long time
for her eyes to=uh . . . “adjust” she prompted : but I had wanted
to avoid the popular word; damn. Tanyrate, I was permitted
to besirkle the sweet=helpless thing, after she had banged up
against the first 2 oax; and lay my hands on the most sump=
tuous spots.....
- “He=ey ! One more sigh of discontent : and I'll let you
stumble over the nearest harro — the farmers always leave ’em
with the teeth up.” (And she gave a fake shudder at the notion
of laydy=spraddled headfirst.) / Me; reproachfull : “So you
wouldn’t even notice then, if Someone’d drag you off into
the darkness ? And do this. — Or this ?”. (And let my hands
honk ever more joyful; eekwually tender and intensive; (oh,
214 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Wandering Willies Tail, and 1 little sadistick pause, the better

to hear her complaynte), so that she repeated several times in
despurration “You letch=lizard”. And also demanded to know if
those prix of lite with which the sky — “No : there !” — seemed
strung might not be the super=constellaytion Orion ? / So she
could see again ? — Naturally I said “No.”; but ’twas him in-
deed, in person, Kedalion on his shoulder. And as a result, with
masterfully delicate transitions, I grew chaster; even more
meltingly=ardent — until finally, compliantly, I ended the opera-
tion with a kind of consecrating kiss. (Then burrowed my way
back in again, more brutally : at 46, every kiss can be your last !
/ (And lookathat : the female stretcht supplely up against me; on
long tiptoes . . . (and near suffuckation and ejackulation, gave a
precise=pracktist ! Ahchchch —))). —
More content arm=in=arm. (And I took every caution, out of
respect, not to wound her shado with my foot.) / The trees : the
world had already molted to some extent — lindens they were —
before a soft ro of windo’s. (Altho <soft> was totally inappropri-
ate : these guys bought those shabby 15=watt=bulbs cause they
were that tite !) : the wife was mutely plucking feathers. He, of
equally mucous=immobile mouth, was opening poppyseeds with
a well-honed pocket knife. A child, of sexless face, sat petrified
before a schoolbook, a thick ball of twine in its hand.
“But that roughneck=while ago, the peckerwood who played
<Balder> . . .” Hertha chattered on, depresst by the desolate
view. / And suddenly stopped in her trax. (I used the opportu-
nity to apply a quick, shallo kiss to her — ? — but that sort of thing
doesn’t reoccur with women all that fast.) — “Hey : your men=
in=the=moon could do that too.....
oherae Nah, wait a seck : take alook at old Roger Altar’s
‘se

back=swing .. .” / We gladly stoppt at the end of the playing

feeld, next to the social hall. (We really didn’t have a Jot of extra
space; but <we> — we of the congress — had <blown> 1200 square-
feet for a regulation croquet=feeld.) / And it was a hoot, beyond
a dawt : old-man Altar & his brother Sam; taking on the two
astronomers Gill & Jenkins ? : well, are you guys in for a
sirprise !
9 wickets, forming a lopsided square, each affickst to its
ground=stone. The two <pegs> rising from the long axis of said
square. (And the 2 astronomers — just cause they had a better
notion of what a <long axis» is — smiled, sure of vicktry. Yes,
 B OONDOCKS @ 215

even a wee bit bored : well, are you guys in for a sirprise!)
You had to see Roger Altar : upper body neither too strait nor
too bent. The head turnd haff to 1 side. His hands, the one the
neighbor of the other, on the grip of the mallet; the left below,
the rite above; haff=glasst, haff=unarmed eye : your «gentleman
croqueter> rite out of the book. —
(And Hertha came to my arm, interested : I’m telling you, men :
know more than your women ! It’s the only way to keep ’em
tied down over the long hawl — if that’s of any consequents to
you. (And to which of us gland=slaves is a pound ’n’ a half of
freckled breast not of consequents ?).....
Blue=red=yella=green : 18 inches from the <peg> his ball had
lain. / And away it rolled : thru the first wicket. And now thru
the second. A second blo drove it thru the third — (and only at
the forth did it bite a little too much iron; and come to a stop. An
approbatory murmur ran thru us 8 specktators, <rimming> the
feeld as best we could.)
And now it was Gill’s turn : who spoke at length, half to himself,
half turned to us=onlookers, of the “teedium of mechanicul cal-
culaytion’; regretting, parenthetickly, the <creation of a protec-
tive atmusfear> : granted, you guys ’d see better without it.....
(“Damn : don’t be so inhuman —’)
cnc tp: then raised his mallet : — ! / (And was less fortunate.
Whether for lack of skill or purely by axident — it took him 3
tries just to drive his ball thru the first wicket. (Missing the sec-
ond completely, of course !).)
And Sam Altar was up to his brother’s standard : he selected a
hammer with a smaller head. And gave a stroke — (a billyard
player would’ve turned pale with envy) — added back=spin; and
roqueted and croqueted..... / And Jenkins thought he’d ex-
ecute a masterstroke at last. And placed his left (unlovely) foot
atop. And gave us specktators a superclever smile; pulled his
mallet hi over his rite shoulder......
ht re we could hear his scream echo behind us for some time :
he had hit his left ankle instedda the ball. (“Most likely the ball
was calibrated incorrecktly : in which case the ex=centrick cen-
ter of gravity results in a deviation in the path”, he explained
layter, inside, to the ladies.....
“Why’re you so antiz<akkademmix> ?” Hertha inquired : “I’ve
noticed it moren once now. — When in fact, you’ve got some-
thing of a bent thataway y’self.” “Because they simply no
216 M ARNO SCHMIDT

longer understand — : what’s worse : refuse to understand ! how

ordinary people think & speak. I feel obliged to present ev’ry
single literary or scientifick statement so simply=precisely, and
thus pithily, that every hearer gets goose=uh -flesht.” I con-
cluded savvigely. / And she, my Hertha — : “My you=you ? !” :
“Hmm” she grumbled noncommittully — yet seemingly willing
to think it over : who dares call himself «doctor» when Lessing
had only a <master’s> ? !).
sn chaste? well : there were a good twenty of ’em, sitting along the
walls; (<The Paradise of the Wallflowers») : George made strait
for Missis Saunderson, who <mean=while» had powdered her-
self up fresh. And killed 2 whole hours playing Halma with her.
(And spent equal time sirvicing her with his eyes.) / Some of
them, at the back, were doing <rythmatick puzzles» by them-
selves : those were the ones GOd had completely forgotten !
(Cause some cases had proved absolutely insoluball — some-
thing was wrong with Us Americans ! (<like a wind dancing
cross the floor of the sea> : now Who was that by : Tennyson or
Hopkins ?) —
A shado bawling with itself ? : “Not by him, Hers=tie.”
(<Hermann Tietz, of all people.) / A shooting star, almost
spraying us with gold ! (And collected herself at once; and
tooted her human horn : “Me? Fritened, by a passing heav’nly
body ? : <I’ve seen other mountin’ majesties !>°. My wild
Silesian; above her berayd red head, the white embroidered sky.
(Or : more like <thorny pale» of prickly stars ? In which I, poor
bastard, would not gladly be : now there’s an idea, make a
wrought-iron star ! Or one of water. Or cooking oil : where you
have to float in the center ! (She spread her arms in queasy=
submission and floated.))).
setatats and some were playing cards : which, so well-used were
they, had assumed ovoid shapes. / Or domb=in=0’s : the players
sitting around in — hmyes; from an <earthly viewpoint you’d
have to say — nothin’ but rags. (<Gauzigauzi gingham : whither
shall I wander : shall=I=wand=her.»>)
“Yes : tomorro I’m being sent as a messenger to Mare Crisium
— some p’tickularly important matters this time, Joorj.”, I in-
formed him, and anybody else inclined to listen in. / (Now
where was ...: ah=there ! —
Sam Reshevsky, our inturpreter : “Tell me, Sam...’ / And also:
“Yesyes : Il be back by afternoon. Easy.” So he doesn’t get
 ¥, OONDOCKS M@ 217

suspicious; and worry about losin’ his job. — I just wanted to

know, by waya precawtion, what <Food : please !>, or the like
might be in Russian. And he (cold; callous; you could sents the
Satem=parents) : If I should feel the urch for snax, all I needed
to say was : “Vasha=visoka=blagorodjy vellicky prevosh :
koditexvoy tackdalsha.” — I asked him if he would write this
dreadfull sentents on a piece of paper for me, so I could hang it
around my neck and sho it : I was incapable of learning it; didn’t
even want to try. (And how many years of patient dillyjunts
would a Russian kid have to spend before it was in a position to
utter its first request for nurrishment ? My smidgen of fantasee
<unhitcht> at the mir thought !)
(And ain’t a pound of female=titter nice; on both heavenly bod-
ies ?! ’Twas impossible to resist : I took hold of her by the beret
wunts again : “D’y’know, Miss Tietz, that people ’re gonna call
us the <good ol’ days», and ’twon’t be long atall ?” — “This=
here, yes.” she said sullenly; and made a slipshod motion of her
foot into the sighlents ahead : the black streax of branches. She
gazed across in sympathy to bleacht laundry, doing no spooking
: the shorts had apparently played too much roll=me=over with
the Whirlywind; hung droopydrawers now of course : dripp;
dirnp eeaee
A eils ultimately, all we really lackt was, idea=millionaires :
people capable of pursuing mind=games for weex & months;
ANGRIA & GONDAL. / On the «bulletin board>, yello=green moon
chalk, nothing atall. (“As usual with <bull-it-in boards>” : fillo-
sofickle Joorj.) / A Hakavati=storyteller labored on. But so
unimaginatively that only 1 toothless codger was still listning.
(It’s said <Arabs> knew no finer form of entertainment than
this : that musta been a weerd bunch too !). / Some were shoot-
ing craps : for fun ! Because games of chants were still stricktly
forbidden, as in goodol’=earthly days. (Altho we, of the con-
gress, had already considered introducing a lottery — but this=
bunch doesn’t need to know about that..... )
“Karl —” Hertha askt : “Couldn’t you maybe, just for wunts...” :
“T <could> indeed : after a supper like that, an army’s marchin’
thru my intestines ! — But that’s not what y’ meant, is it.” (And
strewn astral chicken=feed, with only the moon hen missing.
But women never know about that..... )
meee tte and here came the runner with our paper, the <LUNAR
HERALD — and Statesman», (as our previous president, the idiot,
218 M ARNO SCHMIDT

had felt obliged to envisage himself. — But then, maybe he was

absalootely rite : every asshole thinks he’s a «statesman» each
time he casts his <cunsirvativ> vote, and his <hometown rag»
asserts he’s shown his <political machurity>.)
And ev’ryone made a rush for that 1 poor 8'/, x 11, dobble=
colummed page, typed full, front&back. (Till at last people
gave the nod for «reading aloud !> again. For in 10 minutes the
runner had to head for the <Frank C. Hirsh>=Block : so Abbot (who
gloried in his full in=expressive bearitone) made a grabb for the
elite document. And read allowed; slowly; with dignity : ——)
(And spared us not so much as the date : so grately did he dote
on his twaddlings !). / (The 9th, wurst, barely deciferable,
carboncopy, was the | the Russian always got in <cultural
x=change>. It’d be my job to take along another stack=o’=thirty
for delivvery tomorro.)
T’day’s Bible Lesson ? : “If you feel <bored» —” (and not just
George was furious this time, shaking his fist : !; even people of
notorious piety lookt round & about uneasily) — : “read Psalm
104.”
(“What’s that one about ?’’)
eee then a quick little skimmlet of quondam events : <10 Years
Ago ?: last urgent request for laundry soap — : EARTH DOES NOT
ANSWER !> / <20 Years Ago ? : Eisenhower visits General
Franco.» (And now, a full 20 years later, here & there, a few of
“em finally alloud themselves a mutterd hint of displeasure :
now He was all old NATO had needed : that completed the set :
He who sows hide=ragin bomms, will reap raydiation !)
(“Fifty years ago—?” .....: what curiosity ! :
«Konrad Hitler annexes Bernburg=Schaumburg.> (And George
poked me, a la <What was that ?>. Shruggs : not the vayggest.) /
I didn’t need to listen to the next column, <Politix>; we handled
that on our own. Instead, let my gaze wander... .. / Jack Trum
"d be wise to put a new elastick in those swimtrunx : 1 inch
lower and — but where to get it without stealin’ ? / Hannah
Moore still had leather uppers on her shoes — What a crazy idea
of Hoyce’s, to set up a <museum> : we needed the stuff down to
the bitter end ! / (Come Saturday, things’d get sighcollogickly
interesting. In case we decided to make our Gold=Announce-
ment.) / Ah; but now here came —
: <sOclETY> : (tho I didn’t like the headline : they could’ve se-
lected something simpler.....
 # OONDOCKS m@ 219

(lady sym=pathetick : “Aw let’em have some bit 0’ ’musement.”

And head shaking. (And again ? — Well then, by way of comfort :
“WELCOME CITIZEN ! — In the «Francis Parkman» Block, only 3
hours and 40 minutes ago.....
(which was of course hyper=stupid; bout the same as=if |were
to tack the familiar notice to my door : <Be back in 2 hours>. —
Hertha was so genuinely happy “t’ hear somethin’ pozzy=tiv for
once”, that she took no further umbridge. And so quickly, an-
other reward.....
ee a healthy baby girl was born.” / (And sundry detayles :
what the mother-in-law had said; and the midwife — or did they
call ’em <obstatrixians> ? I wasn’t quite sure myself at the mo-
ment — beef tea as a reward for the father. The weight .....
“Hey — : I weighd just 4 pounds.” she informed me, excitedly.
<Recalled>, in smiling amazement, those bygone days. Then,
politely : “And you ?” : “12” I gnasht, tryin to consintrait on the
moon. And she, icily : “But 0’ course. You never do anything in
moderation.”
Scene com=pleat=ly normall : got 5 fingers on this little hand
o ’mine>. What the mother had remarkt before, during, and after
the accouchement. —
: “Or mite it be better if the father got special=uh egg=powder
rations — ?” She shooed off the bad joke with 1 shake of her
head; and wanted to know its name : ? —
are a. “crissend «MARION KERBY> : and the popullation had
now reacht an unscoffable 995; and, before the year was out,
would deafenitly approach | thousand.” (Ahyes : <approach» :
first of all, that was still a good 5 months away ..... but the
thrill was always benofficial and useful, <Hail Columbia»; but
now came
the real journalistic low=blow of the evening : the ’stronomurrs
had diverse to report. / First, in lofty=amusement, concerning a
certain <Paira=Sell=Soose> : who in his day had declared our
<second sum to be a bronze bow! manufactured by spirits of the
air. (And shooting stars were <excrement>, expelld <by the stars
upon digestion of their asstral meals» : brainless, bankrupt
fancifications in those days.) / (I knew what was coming next.
And so had lotsa time to gaze about me.....
(“Ppfff !”)-
and observe : reackshuns.) / “The new «White Spot», in what
was once Kansas, — which, according to customerry usage, had
220 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

been given the name <HERTER>..... ” (Others, in other places,

bore the names of other polytishuns who had contributed deci-
sively to their creation : there was, straddling the Urals, the
mitey <Krooshchov>. The little (but very brite) <Adenower;
(which appeard to be slowly melting into <Franco>). <de Gaulle>
was silently smouldring in the Sahara. / Which is to say : it
would soon be simpler to give names to those parts of the earth
that were not yet aglow ! / Well listen up : for how much info
they’d give the folx this time — ?)
“The astronomers assume there will hardly be any way to
prevent the earth from being flooded with <lava> over the next
SU Years vie. ” (<Hardly> was good; but rite off they consouled
the despairing) : “The «New Heat Raydiation» that would soon
be supplied us=on=the=moon will prove of incalcullable ben-
efit; particularly since the most damaging rays will be filtered
out by a greater than 100% increase in the earth's atmosphere :
in the coming months and years, temperatures should rise mark-
edly .” / (<Should> : <years> : «markedly» : wonder if any=body,
here’n’now, can imagine the boilin’ terrestrial seas down=
belo ? — But our poet is sure to fanty some <bowl o’ foaming
silk>; and a <cuprous sfear> if the dusky red surfuss should ever
squint its way thru.....
“Within the next few thousand years — not likely, m’love.”
(Hertha had wanted to know exactly when the earth would be
habitubble again.....
eae Ae and even then only the black and yellow glaze of flat
continental domes’ll be visible, lickt by sullen seas : Whyyyy
did you=all vote for weaponizing polytishuns ? !)
But that was apparently 1 consolaytion, huh ? : “And on Mars,
at Thyle II, we’ve managed to spot a peculiar light=funom-
minon.” (And Joorj nodded to his neighbor, with grim=delite :
We’ll make the Russkies pay for settling there, won't we ? !) :
“Ror details, we refer you to the appropriate technical=bulle-
tins.” / And now turnd the page over : to the other side. (And a
bit more lively, m’boy; otherwise you won’t get done in time.
And somewhat less sonorous too, if possible !)
The novel : «MY LITTLE MAMA> — Chapter 127
“Read me some —” came the request at my right bicep. / “Oh
whynnot ?”. And, sad : “Ill never get to hear it.” : “Oh yes
y’ will; I promise : I'll read it to you when we get=back to
Nordhorn
 1, OONDOCKS @ 221

Yves plus the «Poem of the Day» : —

(But she was still back at «LITTLE MAMA») : “And why <chapter
127> ? Ain’t no sitch thing !”; and in dainty protest. : “Sure is : 1
column on 8'/, x 11 ? That’s 2 printed pages at best : you always
know better, don’t y’.” (Shut her mouth for a while again; but
for safety’s sake, I presst my seal on it — ? —. While down=belo
she stampt away with several <go=on’s !>..... »
“PROSECUTORS prosecute the prosecuted=ones : should the
prosecuted=ones prosecute their prosecutors —” (And went on
that way for a good while in Gertrude’s Stoniest fashion.
Genrull murmur; and they expresst themselves to wit : there
were slates enuff for <x=perimental stuff». The news=paper,
made of irreplayceable paper should be kept reserved for more
stimulating matter. I was delegated, as a member of Congress,
to make the uppropriate protest. (And I made a note of it,
solemn=faced — number=uh three on my <agenda»>. (Tho | and 2
were mere scribbles; for make=believe. )
And quick with the puzzle — here & there a few worryd folk
pulled out watches; (probbly more to show ’em off; most didn’t
run anymore; yep, make=believe..... )
“You’re incorrigible. — And inhuman : ’deed you are.” / But I
managed to lay a hand to my left breast, with such dignity. And
to stare her down so ingenuously. In profound reproof : “Hertha —
ASH, Se could I help it that our culture was shriveling up like
this ? (And things were going to get considerably worse : mite
as well prepare yourself emoshunally for the fact that radio
tubes & transistors won't live forever !) / And Abbot quickly set
the final <fragmentality> in rattling motion.....
“Least tell me what it was,” Hertha requested; (meanwhile lis-
tening to a rattling — was that why I’d taken a fancy to the word
just=now ? — that grew ever more awedibble in the fog ahead).
“More like jiggling, I s’pose. Or «thumping, clattering> y’ mite
say, rite ?” / Well, here you are :
“<Thou knowst well» —” (and indeed with such sighmeltaneous
sense & non=sense : the fello had an organ to rouse the envy of
the king’s divine !) — “<Thou knowst well that thy body
requireth constant metaballick flux.» —” (“Sindeed !” Joorj in-
terjected with a scathing bellow). —: “<So, too, thy soul : knowst
thou that as well ? Hast thou not regarded its hunger, its thirst ?
: Give unto thy soul what it requireth. Yet not lies, but truth. Yet
not darkness, but light.>”.
222 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Folded the page — (as it was rippt from his greasy rite hand by
the barefoot=runner at the reddy : and gone !) — pulled his
spec=tackle from his head; and cast an indescribubble gaze
about him ; ? / (But by now most of ’em were flocking toward
the loudspeaker : quite rite : «My arc lamp burns at both end, it
will not last the nite..... )
“T dunno — : I could never be like you.” Hertha said resolutely :
“Course, that ain’t your fault. — Jist th’other way round,” she
conceded; (something I’d recommend, too, honey : if there’s
anyone who’s voted against armaments, he’s walking side by
beguiling side with you !). But she shook her head : don’t inner-
rupt my train o’ thought. / : “But all the same : /jist couldn't.
First off, the way y’ keep comin’ up with all those nugacious
quotations . . .”; (and turned to weighty formal speech) : “Is that
not an indication of the suspect pleasures of the Bad Boy... ?”:
“Nope : but of sharp wit. — But look there —” I relented, just to
be on the safe side :
THE TATER=SORTER jiggling away under the arc=lamp=light :
Nought Noone Nowhere Ne’er ! / Sirviced by 4 lemures in pal-
lid apparel : now & again the shaddos fled in terror from their
own masters. (Fentsward, seeking help ? — None to be found
with us neither.) / The metal cart. /Lumpy sacks four : 1 padded
soul bent down to tie it up with his own head inside. (And
Hertha, outraged at having caught me red-handed : “Y’see, rite
here before my ears, the way you do lie ! — Tho I must admit it
almost loox that way.” But was feeling less certain now, all on
her own — I didn’t even need to point it out to her — and be-

the sundry knobs, had just tuned in the <Russian Shortwave> —

(and everyone bent down, all inconspickuous attention... ?)—:
the piano. And male voices besides. (And a wonderful bass-
buffo at that; most expressive !) And the way those guys were
laughing : unbelievable ! —
“parently a <Gala Evening>.”; me; loud & energetick : as if
they were all hipp=note=ized ! / (“If y’ could at least understand
| of the jokes —’ George whispurred in envy.) Ahwell; they
seemed to be enjoying themselves ’mensely over=there. (Fonly
we were better informd about how they kept time — they divided
the <day>, (1.e., 14 <old days», during which the sun stood above
our dam=horizon) into <100 chass>; those into <100 minutas>;
 #, OONDOCKS M223

“nsoforth. While we still muddled along with our damn «24

hours> — I laid a terryfied hand to my mouth : ? — but thangod No
One °d paid me any ’tension. ’parently I’d only thought it. It was
of course unpatriotick to prefer reality; Iknow. / And called out,
as indubuttable proof of my integritty, in a gruff voice :
: “Keep dialin !” —/ (Everybody flincht. Woke up, lookt round
at me and themselves. And hung their heads in shame; (before
this good American sitting here in my swimtrunx.) So : now it
was our tum.....
A song ! —: And the faded soprano langwisht

“Broad the maria. — : Neeth twilite shady.

The sun doth fade. Lo, stars start dazzlin’...”

(which is to say, did not, they more or less just stood there — but
it’s always commendable, how they strive to <re=use> the old
stuff; so moving rite along) :

: “And now I jump for my lo=hov=liest lady .. .”

(<jump> was good, I grant : here, with no lead shoes — and Who
had those nowadays; were only used <outside> — we hopped
around like monkeys if we weren’t carefull);

: “far o’er the maria in twilite shady...’

°

(and I was curious o’coarse what the new rhyme ’d be with

<dazzlin’>; they’d have trouble using <jasmine>, given the senti-
mental implickations ....: Aha: <protoplasm> : not bad !). /
(The ones with <cardiac problems», their hearts unburrdend
here, were in great shape : simply blossummd; <a burst of youth»
— you could see it in our neighbor, Saunderson : back on earth
(his wife confesst one soul=full evening to her friend, Secretary
Jennifer Rowland) he hadn’t done it for years. And here — ?
well, we’d just seen it a while ago : worse than in a Crébillon !
Disgusting ..... )
“Fonly y’ always thought that way.” Hertha felt. obliged to
interpoleate. And, (always at pains to squeeze out some sorta
<alleaviation> for those up=top), indignant : “Couldn’t they at
least make a tape-recordin’ of the Russian broadcasts ?”
fonly more of our tape-recorders ’d still been intackt :
224 HM ARNO SCHMIDT

acoarse we recorded whatever could be even vaguely justifyd.

(But then when unforeseeable axidents occurred, like when our
blundering disk=arkivist erased one of our best concert record-
ings — ever since, he’d been known as <The Eraser»; and even
now, 4 years later, people rinkled their noses wherever he
showed up. / But a lot of tapes were giving off «echo=effects» by
now : the magnetick trax were somehow getting imprinted by
ajjascent loops ! The tecknology was no good <for the dura-
tion», in any case. (And a lot of people simply went downrite
crazy at the sound of a balalaika from over=yonder : the sort
that support...
“The : sortasuport.” she aped hatefully .....
tossing atom bombs on Lomonosov. / (But : “Psst ! — Quiet
down. —’. Because the annountser announst :
“The new, incyclopeedick national epick novel in verse by our
poet, Mr. Frederick T. Lawrence. — Secretary of Culture Hoyce
has a few introducktory remarks . . . “ / (And Fred babbled; im-
pressive & hollo, as only he could do it — well, his task wasn’t
all that easy p’r’aps : was s’ posed to <introdoose> it on the one
hand, but not divulge anything on the other; otherwise it'd be
too boring, and he’d have the poet down on his neck. / Tanyrate,
this much we got : the tale was laid in 1948, shortly after the
Grand Old War. And told in an awful lot of <stanzers> : “Thirty=
ate of “em ?”.)
(And now came — and every head turned — Mrs. Lawrence strid-
ing in; on long leggs, and as if quite <by axident»; slitely dis-
cuncerted, (<at all these people» ? — But it lookt good on her; she
sat down on one of the abstrakt sitting=cubes, and piously
folded her thighs. / While up front, inside the bocks, her
poet=spouse began)

“You are a gasbag !” Hertha said, fanatick & tender; and riskt |
brief head=cuddle under cover of a giant black barn: ..... /
“Won't quite cover my fee.” I said, taking cool exception; “by
the by —: hear it ?” — : —: “Noo. — Notathing.” (So that I was
forced to go round behind her again. Brush back her coiff. Lay
my hands behind her cold curlycued concht ears. And set her
head sharply in its direction — : “Damnitallnoteven=now ? !” —
And at last she heard it then too :
from not all that far ahead, a few black feetlets, came the lolling
and prattling and rustling; unflaggingly=joyfull; with lots of <>
 # OONDOCKS M@ 225

Mat: arivulet lansuaces/Mae / “Perty pert, ain’t it ? —” she

whispered, in front. / (And since I had her by the ears now, tho
sadly only from behind, I kisst her then & there — : my delite
was about the same as when you kiss a broom. (If you didn’t
know that it is your one’n’ only Hertha. — I was dewly ashamed;
and, to punish m’self, kisst the fragrant broom once more : rite,
of course, that was the diffurrynts : brooms don’t smell so good.
— Pff; how forgetfull of me.)).
“But now let’s slo’ly wend our wayback=m dear; ’t’s gettin’
cold. — And you’ve had your <fun> : b’sides you gotta invent
your Ep=peek now 54.

“Uh=humm ! :
<In stories of our fathers high marvels we are told :
of champions, well approvéd in perils manifold;
of feasts & merry meetings of weeping & of wail
& deeds of gallant daring I'll tell You in my tale. —

In HEIDELBORRG there flourished . . .»

(Aha; so the story was set in Germany; among the old Army of
the Rhine : rite, Heidelborrg, that’d been the head=quarters —)
a WAC, so fair to see :
in all the world together a fairer not could be.
This maiden’s name was <Cream=hilled> — through her in
dismal strife
full many a prowest warrior _ thereafter lost his life.

(So a <Frow=line>; as signal=core=girl at American head=

quarters. / And what a name : <Cream=hilled> — man=o=man ! —
Every tongue lickt every lip; every head turned : 20% toward
ollady Saunderson, (who inflated with all her mite); the major-
ity, however, toward Mrs. Lawrence, (who, in rapt=attension,
had just grabbed the giant pearl dangling from a thin gold thread
between her breasts; and, dowtless=unaware, pulled it down —,—

And did those Gls ever live it=up there on that staff : nothin’
butt rhinestones & burgundy ! / The most prominent was a
sergeant, a certain O. Ken Trunnion. No longer the youngest
now; but, despite his <crown of iron hair» he held the army
record in shot=putting; and on general=principull hit nothing
226 M ARNO SCHMIDT

but bull’s= eyes : «He never misses his aim.»

And here he came now, unmistakeabully HE, OUR HERO : Ala-
bama=Dillert ! (His «mother from Utah» ? — I hadn’t been pay-
ing attention; hadn’t quite pickt that up. Too bad.) / 7 feet tall,
<he takes his whisky strong>; and no one could match him at
<barn=dancing>, let alone out=do him ! / (He was of course a
grewsome braggart : said he’d «bagged» a German Tiger=tank
with his bayonet, even tho it came on like a dragon, spittin’
toxic spleen. — Some of it was harder to understand, I grant : he
claimed he’d <pivoted> every single German ? (Joorj didn’t
know either : “Maybe some sorta hold for silent killing ?”). /
And pulled a <golden hoard> from every trouser pockit, nothin’
but watches & ’gagement rings : yesyes, our boys *d made the
best a those days.
(And put the best in, too : did those guys ever make occopula-
tion babies, mercyme ! —/ Great descriptions ! —/ “Kinsey ? :
Who was that, huh ?” : “The guy who claimed man comes from
munkees : shush, Joorj !”. / And what seminall expressions
Dillert had : “Behold the globe : I tremble that it is so small !” —
just the way staff sergeants are wont to speak. / In their very
first shotputt match, he beat O. Ken Trunnion by a good yard !
(All the same, those old=timers seemed to have played by
some funny rules : why did they have to «leap after putting the
shot ? Or had I missunderstood, and they finisht off with a
broad jump ?)
And on the wryfullrange, a little later, it was a damn close
match; whenever Alabama=Dillert took a shot, like ol’ Nick
himself — disbarragingly in the first easy contests, strait from
the hip — it was O. Ken Trunnion who lost face (hadn’t Old
Rum, the mess=sargent (who, if the meter demanded it, had to
be called <Rum=Old> : you gotta allow a poet some liecents),
dared to refuse him <seckints> at luntch ? !). Trunnion was
enraged to the quick; and drew ever more furious bead, <he
never misses his aim !>. (Meaning that Dillert finally had to give
up his more frivvelous firin’ positions.)
For the decisive moment was approaching : General Gruenther=
himself, the High Commander (tho the poet often compaired
him to a <king>), arrived to watch our two heroes comepeat : 800
yards, freehand stance ! / (“Isn’t that just a bit too far, Joorj ?”.
— But tho such numbers cooled my ardor somewhat : the others
just shook their list’ning heads credulustily.)
 HOONDOCKS Ml 227

(And infackt it was getting. quite xiting again !). / For if one shot
like Robin Hood in purseon — the other sited like Willy Tell :
first Trunnion ? —: ? !—: And once again the inevita=bullseye;
I could barely believe it this time. / And Dillert took up his
poseition. Stood there as if hewn in stone, the automatic in his
hand. Backt off again; and swore he’d <mark> Trunnion’s bullet
— the fello in the marker’s pit had to place it back in the hole it
had made. / (“Now isn’t that too much for you, Joorj ?” — But
no. It was just too grand !).
And really was grand, the hole splendud crew : <A youngster,
fresh from West=Point — he feared nor death nor love !> / And
the way Lawrence, so you could keep better track, attacht the
same tag to each one every time : there was a <Tanker>, who was
mentioned often, «most remarkably quick». (Granted; that was a
rarity among pump-jockeys on earth. But that way you could
keep wonderful track of all the rassculs.) / Altho he showed an
unseemly preffrents for one charuckter, a poeticizin’ Jee=Eye :
<Folker>, from Alton=Illinois, who added his 2=scents to every-
thing in limericks. (And was said to have unusually big ellbows :
now why was that ? — The things poets come up with !). / (But
the speed=o’=sound was so fast that of course you couldn’t fig-
ure out much’n’sundry. — Why, for instunts, did Dillert remark
after a nite’s carousal : “Methinks, my rings grow cooler — the
morn is drawing near.” ? : after all, had those rings in his pants
pockits ! — Or is gold a specially fast conductor of cold ? Well,
we’ll be able to deter=mine that soon & easy enuff ourselves :
proseed, proseed —).
And King=General Gruenther had in fact — how could he help
not ? — taken a shine to his giant blond sergeant. And sent him
off as a courier to Iceland; to pick up some top-secret
corpspondents, and a few new WACs as well. / And away the
jet=bommer flu :

<And jacking up the jet=thrust they flew like javelins,

crossing wildest sea waves as_wafted on the winds!>

(“Bra=vo !”. — I had, no doubt about it, been unfair to this guy,
to Lawrence : a man who was writing stuff like=that had a rite
to strutt around wool=gathering : “Well done !”).
And there, in the fiery FLAK corral — a major xer=size with live
ammo was just underway; and Dillert shoved the faint-harted
228 HM ARNO SCHMIDT

pilot aside; and made a steep approach, bawling his airy <roll me
over in the clover» : sint ut sunt, aut non sint ! / Then checkt out
the beauties of the island airports; — (by the way, that fiery=
hearth was still shining britest of all : why had they all had to
sign up for NATO ? !) — and was in luck, it turned out, because
they were holding a women’s track=meat (if only Lawrence
wasn’t furever torchering us with scenes like these — contrari-
wise, it was magniphoscent the way he brought on the chix : Oh,
shiver my timbers ! —
(Oooh thar smeans @) pee
And Dillert seleckted the champion javelin thrower, <Brown=
hilled>; but first put her thru a difficulled eggsam, lively orals.
(And then, always response=able, a more intummyte check —
did that guy ever get the breax !). / And invited her to join up
with the rest of the 4=man crew. / : And off with her to Old=

(She was more=over downrite peeved when she got there and
learnd she had to share a constunt bed with Jenrull Gruenther. /
And in consickwents, Gruenther was too. / And with a cor-
rusponding cooling-off of his affecktion for Dillert; (who had,
however, been | eggregious trace too frank in celebrayting his
inroads with Brownie among his sircle of cumrades.) / And
naturally she was <spoild> now, too : Gruenther had manifest
diffickulties first time out, before the disuppointed athlette let
him have a go.)
And Dillert started giving <his superior» the <lip> :

“Now it’s <Dillert=this> and <Dillert=that> and

<Dillert, watch your soul !>.
But it’s <thin brave line of heroes», when the Bolshies
start to roll:
The Bolshies start to roll, my Dear; the Bolshies
start to roll;
yeah : it’s <thin brave line of heroes» when the
Bolshies start to roll !”

(and our hands raved : what a guy this Lawrence was ! !)

But now came the wackiest scenes : We pracktickly layed our-
selves cross=ways and squawkt & whoopt (and the ol’folx
drooled) : now the dames started gettin’ in each other’s hair ! /
They ran into each other, as if by axident, at the same swomen=
 ZOONDOCKS Ml 229

hole on the Rhine. And each was determined to eeklips the other
in beauty. And displayed, in see=mingly haphazard bendings &
twistings & cont=orsions, apse=oh=lootly everything ! — (And
Mrs Lawrence made visible her longer legs. We gasspt. And

: For tho Brown=hilled was in splendid training; and mite’ ve

proved inestemable for variety’s sache — : ’twas not for nawt
that Cream=hilled had had the biggest titties in the county
beauty contest. An artickle the sinewy athlette had in especially
short suppply.
And out of the water; and off to Gruenther ! / (And sobbd &
stampt & she’d never do it, everagain!)/..... {=
! Well Dillert was in
for it of course. /And : “O. Ken Trunnion,
jennrull’s offiss on the dubble !”, came the word. (<He never
misses his aim — : mygod: did that mean.....?!
Canto 16 : <THE BARBECUE IN ODINVAULT> — : First, the appeals
(spoorious of course) from sev’ral German barbarian=distrix
(they weren’t permitted to bear arms in those days : quite rite,
too ! : *fonly we damn=fools ! had stuck to that rule for
good’n’all) : claiming <crop destrucktion> by <wild=boars>. /
And Gruenther, with a purrfidious laugh, gave orders to
assemball a shooting=party : officers=noncoms=rank’n file;
<our best shots : as a reward !>. — (Meaning Dillert & Trunnion,
too — : «He never misses his aim !> — (most of ’em weren’t mov-
ing an eye=ball from that loudspeaking mouth now —)
In the <AMERICA=HOUSE> in Darmshtott, that’s where they saw
each other for the last time. / (Outside, Dillert, ran into <LONG
LOUIS», who always stood out there — probbly a Gl=buddy from a
past hitch) —
: Cream=hilled, (who of course was x=peckting Dillert’s baby :
it’s always the same, ain’t it!) —/:

<I’m so afraid, my Dillert — : there are rockets in the sky !>

/ (Hinting at her fears, too — certainly not unfounded ones in

such cases with soldjers — and suggesting that he might like, in
the litteral sense, to <take to the bushes» ? / (“Dammit=wummin :
just be proud that a Dillert has found your body worthy !” :
Joorj; in patriotic indugnation.)
And flashes & booms; and no sparing of pow=der in the
Odinvawlt : the bullets whissled; and the buckshot rattled in the
230 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

underbrush; (and in the underpants of the German beaters when

they got in the way : quite rite : They were to blame for it all !).
/ First off, Dillert beat them all in an improvized woodland race.
— Which understandubbly made him thirsty : all the same, he
stood at dissupplind attention and handed his supeerior the big
fam’ly-sized Coca=Cola bottle : | / (And O. Ken Trunnion
steppt quietly behind the row of bushes; under the flimzy pre-
text of shaking the thrice=curst dew from his lily : but in=sted
pulld out his oughtamatic . . . —
And when it was passt back to him, Dillert grabbd the bottle.
Made a swipe of his mitey rite hand over the glassy round=
mouth. And set it, in no=bull thirst, to his lips...:!1!!
(And, to aman & woman, we jumpt : ! Had they fired a real shot
in the brawdcast booth ? !/ And curses=here. And tears=there. /
And Gruenther, butt of course, shielded the foul assassin, who
offered the icy=cold x=cuse : he had taken Dillert for a wild
sow.) / So great was the indig=nation, that I dived for the phone,
and as a Member 0’ Congress pleaded with the radio=folk to do
something : They simply couldn’t break it off like that today ! —
/ (And defying every schejewel, Lawrence went rite on read-
1 eae
<THE REVENGE OF CREAM=HILLED> : Gruenther (who, quite under-
standably, was not about to have such a walking, steadily swell-
ing mammento of Dillert constuntly before his eyes) had her
transfurred to Burrlyn. / And once there, a bundle of hate &
rage, she got invulved with the Russians !
(And once again what splendid depicktions : and the way he
flat=out called ’em the <HUNS> there in <Charles=Hearst>. And
the names he tackt onto the cox o’ the walk there, like <Blowdeb>
— (“Not bad; hah=hah !”). Their <houses> of gawdy=painted
wood, yeah=sure. Still more horses than cars. / (“That’s prob’ly
the reason why they had horse=livver t’day.” Joorj; enlitend. /
But I pulled my belt a notch tighter; and sighed a wee; the way
this <patriotick poetry» can coarsen the best of men : even=I was
taken in for a moment. So watch=out.)
And Cream=hilled had her Russian feeld=marsh=all — after
he’d pledged to invite General Gruenther cum staff to Burrlyn
sometime — (and of coarse he was pretty bestial when it came to
screwin’ in that mindless blunt Slavick cudgel of his : disgust-
ing, these pornografick seens). / And our unsuspecktin’ boys
came rite ahead, despite O. Ken Trunnion’s warnings, (who
 #, OONDOCKS B@ 231

figgered no good ’d come of this : and no sooner had they crosst

into the zone and things started happnin’ !)
: Bad ohmen ! : In «Calton Creek» 2 bathing People’s P’lees-
wommen, and Trunnion <took their garmunts> — purely as a
harmlass, well-intensioned jesture of goodwill, to be sure — :
they wouldn't have him ! (Suspicious, they also turned down the
chewin’gum he offured. And in repayment, gave the truck=
convoy the wrong drecktions — for a long time, the guys ridin’
shotgun could hear their laughter echoing across the des’ lutt
open swamps of the tumbledown GDR.).
A bridge across Calton Creek — there wasn’t one of course — far
& wide nothin’ but | rickety shed; beside a dubious ferry, that
barely bore our trux across, moor or less. (They had to slay the
<ferry=man> of course.) / And on down the tarmac : and now the
weather turned, simbolluckly, bad : as it set, the sun was noth-
ing butt a sqwat red barrel among gray cloud planx : evening
slanted its red=tretcherous eyes : they decided to camp beside
the autobawn.
(And masterfull images : more somber still the concrete river
flowed. (Along its banx, they croucht silently, tin cans in their
mitey hans.) The monosyllabic flashes of distant rocket=
launching=pads — : 40 seconds later came a worthless lump
of grumble ? : They just smiled in disdain; and went on spoon-
ing; behind them, behind the russky=scrawny shrubbry, their
gasoline fire fumed.)
All the same, they grajully neared that demi=devistated
Burrlyn. / First a ball at the American Com’n’ dance. (Another
tecknickle ploy by Lawrence : a) delay of action; b) contrassting
seens of gala gayety with what=was=coming — had to come ! :
What point was there in handing out a few steel pitifull helmets
to them ?)
Yonder, they were of course qwarturd in a most wooden hotel.
Systematickly provoked at every oppoortunity — things were so
bad the very Ist evening that O. Ken Trunnion volunteered to
stand guard with Folker=Alton=Illinois. (<Barricades of heavy
jumbled clouds> : good. <The broken lantern of the moon be-
hind> : good. / But why did Lawrence have to go and use the
<long night» to let Folker sing those endless old half=purrloined
pop tunes to his hawaiian=gitar ! —)
And so now the chostilities» began, in grand & endless heart=
wrentching descriptions. In which Trunnion particularly
232 M ARNO SCHMIDT

distingwisht himself : you could listen to that damn <he never

misses> again now with a lighter heart. / But their ammo ran
out, natch : and they weren’t pripaired for mean shabby Slav=
trix like that 0’ course ! / And Cream=hilled came slinking
round a corner, a molotoff=cocktail in each hand, a book of
matchuz in each trap. And — still half=cursing : “Dillert !”;
half=moaning : “Dillert !” — set their hotel barerix on fire with
her bare hands : ! —
And all=all of ’em, from Folker to Tanker, were wiped=out,
<blo=torcht», one after the other; the last to go was O. Ken Trun-
nion, who’d never submit, and kept hurling his “Fucking
Bolshies !” to the very end — : and so Dillert was fineally
revenged ! / (And that was how the last war had started;
allegorickly speaking that is : because of 1 «Miss Germany> the
whole world had to go up in flames !).....

And all our heads were swimming most grandly — the con-
clewding leckture <Cipher System Bundles in Four-Dimen-
sional Space», nobody wanted to listen to that. / (— : People were
speaking in precisely that writhim & style ! : as they walkt — no,
strode — out ! even old man Saunderson affably apostrofized his
clap=clopping stride=lengths : “A goodly pace, I trow !”.) —
“And from behind — what a pig !”; (Joorj; styfled) : “He can’t
have been a real You=Ess=boy, that=that ——”. : “Well, Joorj —
wasn’t xactly fair, I know. But we did have people like that
among us : I once had an unkle in Massachusetts . . .” (But he
didn’t want to hear about my relatives at the moment : “And all
of it in verse, hey : that’s not easy lemme tell y’ !” : “And once
they got t Burrlyn, Trunnion was a perfeckt modulla good be-
havior, George — I dunno: / kinda liked him ! He really only did
the <deed> to please his General : y’ don’t often see *mployease
like that, do y’; who'll knock somebody off for their boss ?”.
(And George had to conseed the point, that in his office in the
ol’days there hadn’t been any like that.....
Hertha Outabreath ; “Hfffff...” / And at the door turning
round again : : Only black gable trapizzoids. / Smoke from the
neighbor’s ? : “He’s roastin’ a slice 0’ cheese — y’ can tell by the
shape of the smoke” I declared : “look : he’s breakin’ an egg
over it !” / (And now, at=lasst !, after all my infernal inventions,
her resistants was broken : she could tame only 1 hand; while
the other lustily rummitched & caroused in her charms, <in the
 B OONDOCKS M233

marro 0’ my folk». — (And I let her stop, too, and set her clothes
in order; while I knockt up Auntee Heeta, and the light went on
in the entryway. — <AH> is much shorter by the way, isn’t it ? So
from here on out.)

And first=off we had to tell about the theater — all the while in
the entry; as we <discoated>. (She amiably scrutinized Miss No-
ticeably=Disheveled) : “M’deah, he was holding yoah head, I
could see that much — ’tain’t no disgrace foah a lady : if a man’s
in love ?” : “He’s not in love;” Hertha said dreary=comikly, “He
read it all to me from a book in Latin wunts, all the signs : of a
man in love... .” (she crosst her arms by way of ill=lustration;
and stood there like a concept; casting sullen glantses, like
someone pouting at the gov’ ment). : “Or vice=versa, someone
notin love...” : “’n whatah they like ?” AH asked in curiosity.
And before Hertha could muff the joke, I decided to horn in on
my dramatick own : “Uh=humm ! — — —
: Enter then the youth, who does not serve at Amor’s altars : his
stride is like to that of a Numidian lion, his pace is haughty. His
eyes are brite & flashing; he directs them strait before him; not
fastening them in rapture on clouds nor in gloom to the floor. /
Should someone tell a joke ? : he does not smile at it : no : he
roars With laughter, like the cock crowing to greet the sun. He
does not weep with the unfortunate; he comforts them manfully,
retaining his own good cheer. He finds it tedious to be alone,
and teases all dullards. At a well-filled table, he does not take
his place among the young ladies, but rather where the largest
goblet and finest plates are to be found. He eats like a Calabrian;
sings a drinking song with full voice; the sound erupts thru the
room as if from a rich man. And when he must be alone, let him
pull out his writing tablet and, laughing loudly, tally up his
debts.”
“And, Auntee, a while ago, in the woods,” la personne
maussade, this vicious woman said : “I’ve never seen anyone
spit that far in all my life. - No=way : He is not in love.” And
shook her head. / (But AH appeared straingely lost in thot. /: “Is
theah anythin’ in that booka youahs *bout measuahs to take
’eainst love ?’”; she hesitantly inquired. / But of course ! —
234 HM ARNO SCHMIDT

: “Should you wish to ecspell love from a youth’s breast peek Wt

him measure the yello Tiber by swimming it 4 times each day.
Then tame a wild Punic steed in the dust of the Field of Mars.
Then run twice full round the great race=course with his
friends. A hard cot with but one bearskin should receive the
xausted lad : before the sun’s golden rays illumine the valleys,
wake him from the arms of sleep to repeat the work of the previ-
ous day.” (She was already starting to pull a sulky long face; so
moving quickly on) —
: “Or dubble his tasks : let him ro a laden boat upstream. Or
harvest an acre of golden ears with a syghthe. Or have him
split the wood that Lucullus burns each day in the kitchen : love
flees from weary arms; departs from a breast streaming with
sweat.”
22
: “You’ah screwy.” AH; matter-of-facktly. / “All the same,” she
conceded, “good p’r’aps for a young puhson — verry good
’nfact.” Shook her head nevertheless. “Lookathat —” Hertha
said sadly at the mirror : “How puffy my eyes are again. . .”.
(Rite; the lids were swollen. : “Edema,” I explaind to Auntee
Heeta : “Water collects; overworkt.” “What d’ y’ do theah in
the facktry, m’guhl ?” a nettled AH askt : “Drawr pattuns ?
Dessine=pattuns foah fabrix ? — Why’nn=acohss that'll effek
yoah eyes !”. And made 1 little passionate speech against un-
healthy city=life. To me : “’nd you’ah a bundla nuhvz y’self:
d’y’spose I don’t notice the way youah alliz rotatin’ your cheek
mussulls ? Tain’t impressive, I'll tell y’ !” / And, still declaim-
ing, preceded us, our guide for a tour of the house) :
(<In Auerbach’s Cellar» or «Giffendorf> subterranea>) : baloneys
long as Jake’s Day. And slabs of bacon; and three’n’a half
hams. / Rural cannings, the tin-plate lids layballed in pensul.
“<Groat=loaf> ?”; (I only askt for Hertha’s sake; I was quite
familiar with the added buckwheat myself. Just like <brainloaf>
sans brains). / Glasses of pale brown=spicy gellies. Aspix &
Azia=pickles. And meat specialties — not even the smoke of
which would do anything for us=citifolx. / “Well Auntee : if
ever desperation overwhelms you, y’ need only climb down into
this cellar of yours : you could make it thru a rite=pretty siege
with these provisions.” : “Hmyess; t’s almost too much foah a
woman livin’ alone.” she said coolly. (Or was there perhaps
some shifty point in the way she did=not shift her mitey hips ? /
 OONDOCKS M@ 235

<Tutti=Lina>, goddess of pantries. / But now she gave yet an-

other shriek, as is the wont of Lower Sacksin lionesses :)
/ “I mean, this haiah=net ! — I’m jist f revah gettin’ hung up on
it —”. “Get your hair bobbed.” Hertha suggested, crouching in
front of a crock of drippins. (In total seriousness.) And AH ditto :
“Us’t t’ have one, y know.” The merry wido. / And I drew up
short : maybe she wants to remarry ? ! — Why sure : the inkwiry
a while back about counter=measures for love; and now this
<too much for a woman living alone». — And I had to admit,
when I took a gander at her figure; from behind; heading up=
stairs; no pregnancies to frazzle her; : She still would & could
now & again for damnsure ! / ’dlord, ’fonly she had somebody=
proppeL.. ee )
“The kitchen you’ve seen, rite=Hehther ? — It leads heah into
the laundrirumm ’jaysent.. .”. (The little massive add=on. But
you won’t have much luck with Hertha there : she’d rather send
it out. — And rite she is, too.) / The living room, where we had
sat once before. (And would sit again later — my old bones were
achin’. Quite apart from the fact that sundry callousthenix still
awaited me). / But now, adjoining, and so familyar from my
childhood & youth, the
<Pahlah> : — “Ooh —”. (Hertha; delited : they’d had those <back
home» too. — But she kept on moving for as long as it took her
shadow to lie nicely spread before her — int’ resting, how women
can pay subconscious ’tension to such things.)
“Olookathere : a spinnin’=wheel !”. And thrilld, folded her
hands just above the fairy=tool. (Don’t prick y’self on the
spinndle; otherwise I'll have to <wake> you with at least |
kiss) : “Like Dillert. Among the Cream=hills,” I added, cooing
angelick & sly. / “Dilluht ?” a suspicious AH asked at once ?
But, toucht at the site of my gal brushing the wheel with shy &
devout fingertips, quick to say : “Aeh, prob’ly could still
mannage it : durin’ the wah mania man sat heah spinnin’ his
wool.” And Little Red, all <won’t you tend my li’l lamb ?>, yet
another “Ooh —”.
“A man has t’ be able t’ touch the ceilin’ : othahwise he’s no
man !” Auntee Heeta declared, (clever; as a way of defending
the lo ceiling. And demanstrated, tho off=handedly, just to
please her : ! And, altho my calf muscles hurt now from the
stretch, likewise let my fingers make a snug, but stoic tarantula
onthe white plasteraw: 7% (Okay; enuff.) — ) —
236 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

: “Ono m’deah !”; and we 2 connoisseurs smiled so loftily :

Hertha had found the sparse lines of the snowscape on the
big=white fire=screen all too frugal; and declared herself will-
ing to paint it in the most modern style. : “Don’t y’ city=folx
know bout that — ? : When y’ het up the stove, in wintah, but not
too hot : then the trees heah=on=the=screen : tuhn green. : Get
leaves just like it was spring : deed they do !”. (And Hertha
shook her more bewilderd head. And casting, now & again, an-
other mistrustfull glants at the bewitcht wall=piece.)
In front of an open hutch : “Hey=Auntee. — : This artifishle
honey=powder here : git quit of it !”. (And she weighed the
cardboard box again now indecisive, and huffy, in her hand. / A
plumb on a silver thread. / “Did you know, Hertha : that even
nowadays the old folx in these parts still say “Wends” for pawns
in chess ? — <Vilifickashun of the Slavs>”, I added, import=
antly. And she, as if lost in thot : “<Blowhard> —.” (“Now y’
mustn’t say that, m’deah,” Auntee Heeta scolded; “apaht from
all men bein’ puhm’nent blo’hahds — : He can be vehry entuh-
tainin’, y'know.” Gave the lady=in=question a hard & stern
look : ?. And, to avoid prolixplanations, Hertha hastened to
conseed the point — if you didn’t know what was what, y’ could
easily have taken it for <contrition>.)
Uncle Ludwick’s pipe — (“Ten Cal’nburgian inches” I mutterd;
and first her nostrils flared, then she blew up : “You’ah gonna
git a box on the eahs yet ! — Blohahd.” she appended, upon brief
consideration. And Hertha, tho she hadn’t understood me, sim-
ply spread her hands : !). / So then, Uncle Ludwix pipe : He’d
had his own face carved onto the front of the bowl ! — “Rite
aftah the wah it was, some feller come thru the village : Had the
knack of it. — Alota fahmahs roundabout had ’em done. Gave
can=goods in trade.” (And his medals; or, more precisely,
medallyans; from the first worldwar : worn on the chest for the
purpose, *mong other things, of preventing the proud wearer
from having people call him a <murderer> to his face.)
Halma Checkers Dominoes. Likewise the inevitable <Parcheesi>
: if I ever find out Who it was invented it ! / “Wheah d’y’ spose
the wuhd <Halmer> comes from Kahl ?”; but before I could even
fill her in, she was already itching to move : “Olahd, I left watah
ont’ boil !” and saild out the door.....
: “Designer of patterns ? : Thy mouth !”. (And she playd it less
coy now. And tasted good to me. (And would have perhaps been
 FOONDOCKS Ml 237

less coy still; but the cup collection in the hutch was jingling
again (i.e. <quivvered submissively>) at the upproatch of Auntee
Heeta’s energetick strydes; and let her hand, her white hand,
elongate across the books..... ;
“Y’ dunno that one ? — For each day of the year there’s 1 poem
per in there —”. And, since both faces reveeled int’ rest, I opened
it up, for simplicity’s sake, to today’s October 28th —, — “Justa-
ScCHUls tery a
“He who pursues life’s happiness yet sees / mere fleeting pas-
sions, momentary goals / and harms a single hair to gain his
ends, / disdains indeed his health : that bounteous fount / of joy
that spends the waters of long=life . . .” (And AH nodded, re-
buking us both with her whole broad face: !).....
: “How like the child that brings its basket full / of pearls
through forests filled with bandits, storms / & night. Once safe,
he buries it, and goes /— pursuing butterflies, forgetting pearls. /
How like the man whose ship is bearing gems / to some far port,
yet in its planks he bores / a hole each day for sport — and is
amazed / when ship and gems all sink 1 sunny day.” —
(And Auntee Heeta got all x=ited — had I read it that moovingly ?
Very flatt’ring — and gave us our seckund dressing=down) :
“Jistlooka the eyes on that child ! It’s downrite crazy what
people in the city do t’ theahselves ! — And you=men nevah
thinkev anything but youah pleasuah, neithah.” she concluded
stormily. But I had the cool demurral for that : “1 tiny error,
Auntee : /’ve brought not a single child into this world yet. —
Which indeed also carries with it a certain self=restraint, one
not unknown to you, hm ?” / Which topick she slyly chose not to
address; but rather spent words of profuse praise on the poet :
“I’m takin’ that book ‘long with me t’ my room. A little piece
like that, theah’s time ’nuff foah ’t ev’ry day.”
And then all the stuff lying in that bookcase — : old letters,
arrow=head letters, with gray ink, on poor paper, (with broad
point, on the wobbly desk). “There you are, Hertha, that’s what
it looks like : you love to write on rippt=off sheets y’self.”
(“Untrimmed Lettahs ’ah sent to thieves *nd debtahs.” AH
glosst.)
Puttit back down : 1001 Nites ? ! — “He could read us summit a
that sometime, don’t y’ think m’guhl ? Theah’s some vehry
pubhty stohries in that’un.”; AH of course. But Hertha gave her
a most crosswise look; and a mere snuffle. So ex=pressive,
238 M ARNO SCHMIDT

however, that the latter spread her hands in inquisitive amaze-

ment; and troubled her for an explanation : ?
“Your neffew=here,” Hertha said slooly, the shaggy back of
her head pointing at the hand=summ gentleman in question:
“read me some things out of it wunts . . .” — “The great legend of
the <City of Bronze», Auntee” I obligingly explaind quick as a
flush — “Not only that,” Hertha, pointedly : “Tanyrate, it was
only too obvious : that men ever & always & always & every-
where, have thot of just ONE THING — think of it now; and will
hentsforth. I mean, godnoze I’m a modern woman, and not the
least proodish . . .”; but at that Auntee Heeta interrupted her :
“Well, if that’s the case, m’deah,” she said firmly; “tho while
back I had the ’mpression — that we country=foke take suhtain,
simple ol’-fashunt things moah natchural y’ mite say. — Is it
awefly ’ffensive, Karl ? Oah could a body read it ?” / (“Your
neffew —” Hertha whisperd in bewildermeant. — But now I stuck
up decisively for the family ..... )
“It’s boox like these=here — 1001 Nites; Karl May; Old Testa-
ment — that we Germans have to thank for our not being totally
Greex & Roamins : but instead have a tol’rable, sympathetick
understanding for Near Eastern affairs. —-And Middle.” I threw
in. / Also : “Auntee ? : ll mark the ’ propriate passages for you
*sev nin’=yet : remind me, case I forget.” And I indicted more
passionat’ly : “You can’t imagine, Auntee Heeta the trouble I
have with this littke minx ! Why, just giving her a nockasional
SUNDIE KISS = 2
“Yes, but where —” Hertha protested plaintively. But got no
help this time. “Child,” AH said maternally : “we need t’have
a talk sometime. — ’f you have a man — a nice, propah man —
who takes special cahr. Someone you can ab=so=lootly d’ pend
Ol naan, :’t’s t’ be reckond as one of life’s most finest gifts.”
Pause. Then, AH, her question strangely grave, and pregnant :
“Oah ’m I mistaken in that ?” / 1 now pulld off my jackit, with-
out a word but with p’ tick’ lar fuss — and spread it before Auntee
Heeta’s feet : Walk thereon, Goddess of Reason ! (Signed : <Thy
Knight>.) (And also, of course, to give Hertha (floundering piti-
fully) time to recover. She grappulld with it. And we, gentle=
Man & gentle=Woman, moved on to other=things.....
“Speakin’ 0’ «Kahl May> ? : now youah uncle alliz read lots 0’
him.” and pointed, wide=jestured, to the giant tomes : —/ (Those
weren’t the standard green volumes ? ! — I pulled 1 of the
 # OONDOCKS M@ 239

monsters out..... shit ! <FATHER’S HOUSE» ! — Hell, just the

picture on the jacket. (And with an <ADLERHORST FAMILY> in it ?
What was this ? I didn’t recognize it all !). / Or belo it : <A
GERMAN HOUSEHOLD TREASURY — ILLUSTRATED» : nothin’ but over-
fed padres staring at me : “’Zounds carocha & sanbenito,
Auntee : them’s all cathlix !”
“Qh don’t wurry.” she said with a sneer : “Cathlick he wasn’t,
not by a long shot.” (But I wasn’t listening to her now : there it
lay, in the middle of a first=edition sILVER LION, handwritten —
<Copy No. 2 / for Herr / Heinrich Andreas Navy / Dresden /
Johannstadter Ufer 2, III> — ruffly 90 pages ? ’Zounds nexus &
ligatures ! — And the questioning glants to Auntee Heeta : ?. But
she just shook her stubborn head) : “Don’t kno nothin’ bout a:
<POLLMER & NAVY> ? — one 0’ his greataunts, I think, mahried a
man from Drezd’n: Y’ can add it t’ my pile : for latah.” / (Fine.
And the old Charteque, this one here, too; I remember that from
my youthfull=holidays.) /: “But let’s move on again now.”
Moving on : the attic was big & sighlent. (“This=heah’s youah
room, coahse; wheah you sleep.’’). /Cloz=presses; chests, junk. /:
“The spider’s web is its extended self.” (I interjeckted : not just
for Hertha (for her sure); but Auntee Heeta loved such profound
afforisms, too; <food foah thot>; while milking or whatever.
(<Songs to Sing While Vacuuming> : Voss had come up with
<Songs for Potato Harvesting> — deed makes y’ wonder some-
times if he was ever in the country !). / 1 buckit fulla holes; in
which she kept a pair of old shoes.)
“Mite I open this bottom draw’r=here, Auntee ?”. (Why but=
o’coahse I could.) / : 2 empty sax. And Hertha made an eager
grabb; she had a weakness for them; (something that I worrydly
noted with each new occurants : her angstiety ridden <old=
bag>=complex !). / Something dusty=bedusted ? And she timo-
rously held out the thick out=dated fabrick : he’p me ’splain this
away. (And at once I came up with) :
“A blue <H>, a white <e>; ared «tm, a yello <t» —: a brown <>: a
green <a> !”. And toucht, Auntee Heeta laid her head to 1 side;
and took no less utter pleasure in this declaration of love; (was
also a bit indignant that Hertha was not more greatfull — ? —
(And head=shakings; and brow=furrowings : <Those getting
on=in=years know well your worth» !).
Both azagouc & zazamanc; and tags from the <Reich’s Master
of Ordnance> — (“Yess; Uncle Ludwick was a pahty membah.”
240 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Cold as could be. Ahwell; afterall we were in a Republickin

stronghold.) / Sort of little leaden statues : “Accordin’ to the early
Christians blacks ones were created by the debbil. — During the
French revolooshun they actually gillateened statchoos ’nd the
like — : is all this new to you ?” : “Book=wuhm.” AH said jaun-
tily; (meaning me, of course; but there was a p’ticklah note of
pride in it; which was why I raised no further protest.)
Playing cards ? : so well=used they’d asoomed ovoid shapes !
(And I held them out for Hertha, so. And flasht so spectacle-
larly. That she, mouth=agape, stood there; and rememburrd. :
“As you can see, does exist. : Was I <fibbing> “bout this ?
Huh ?...”). / And Auntee Heeta, eager to get a word in — it
really must ’ve been screamingly boring, these last six months
alone=here ! — “What’s he been fibbin’ t’ you bout again,
Heahter ? He’s good at fibbs : the man can carry on convuhsa-
tions with himself —tuhn y’ green with envy.” Hertha only gave
a long and bitter=sweet nod, a la <That he can». Askt also, a
seemingly harmless question : “D’y’ think it’s good for a man to
be such a stout liar ?...”
“Well prob’ly — not=flatout —”; AH, slo; diplomatick; (ideas
building, while she lecktured) : “Coahse, if he uses his ’magina-
tion foah things like : consealin’ his offaiahs with othah women :
no, it ain’t !”. More composed now : “But a woman’s got the
powah t’ prevent that in huh own hand. — ’nd foah an ev’nin’s
entuhtainment, wuth its waitingold, I'd say.”
“How’s that ? ? — Why, guhl : my huzbind simply didn’t have
the enuhgy foah such ! : I suhtainly saw to that.” / And, defen-
sive : “With his eyes ? — Suah; that y’ can’t privent o’coahse. —”
(and, more caustick) : “But you do that y’seff as well, m’deah :
now be honust.” (And the bi=opsy blusht, deed she did : would
y’ lookathat ! / But blushing dawns are a study all in them-
selves, I know. And one should, according to Eff Nietzsche,
<spare> one’s neighbor <embareassmenb : by the by, would the
shado of one’s love be better or worse than nothin’ atall ? Hers,
you see, had just arrived at my feet; malformd & coalblack. Y’
could after all caress — more precisely : tickle — it from time to
time; in playces.)
“You=two unfamiliar with that as well : that during the fore=
allewded French revolooshun, a playing=card maker named
Maudron issued some with the faces of the Reigning Terrorists ?
— Oh, <card=cleckting», done seriously, is only half the real=
 B OONDOCKS @ 241

thing; but better than nothing.” / Lumplets of bronze : for

paperwaits. Or useful for putting down rebellious pages in
books. : “If y’ like ? : take ’m along.” : “Thanx, Auntee, but
better not.” (And toucht, she carresst me : new to me: like oil on
a doorhinge; like <b> before a consonant..... )
“Ohmy : a slate !”; and Hertha held it high in delite. And
beamed; and presst it, by your leave, wunts against her (freck-
led) breast. / And Auntee Heeta, suspicious : “You two ’re hidin’
sumpin’. —’. And, resigned : “Ahwell. Why shoun’t y’.”
I giant=white petticoat : ! : Hertha laid it, entrannst, up against
her pretty (freckled) abdomain : ?. “That goes back=t’=befoah
the fuhst wuhldwah, m’deah.” / And I told the aneckdote about
the absentminded professor; who noticed to his horror at a gala
dinner : that something snowy=white was hanging out of his un-
menshunabble slit ? And he stufft; and stufft. There was no end
to it. While up=top, among the rhinestones & burgundy — “Yes. :
No. : Thanks s’much.” — completely x=hausted. And kept on
stuffing, down belo; un=flaggingly. And everyone rose from
the table. And his lovely=young neighbor was hung=up on
something; and lookt about in embarrassment — : and hadn’t
the old boy crammd 80% of her crinolines into his fly ?!/:
hee=hee : ha=ha.
“What’d you mean ’s afternoon actually by <helleborose far-
rago> ?”; Hertha; thinking deep. : “A <hodgepodge useless as
sneezewort>.”” — But her sole thanx consisted of a wild stare.
Then it struck her : “And thus «truly enriching knowlij much
like the tria corda of Ennius»’’, she rattled off by hatefull=heart.
And AH let her eyes pass eezily back & forth between us.
“What alota junk, huh ?” she said affecksh’ nately : “That’s why
he nevah ’mounted t’ nothin’: cause he alliz had his head fulla
such stuff. — But it keeps y’ in a good mood, m’guhl.” she added
in admonishment : “It’s my pinion that : if y’ know moren jiss
youah <basick thousin wuhds> — y’ tend t’ stay, even as a
woman, moah — “ (she fingered for the ’propriate word) :
“_ flecksupple. Don’t y’ think ?”
And this door here ? : “Oh, that jist leads to the cuhnuss, child.”
(And even I had to call to mind that that was more or less — “Not
zactly on the button, m’ boy.” — the same as <haymow>, <corn-
crib>, <loft>.) / “<Oh come join me in the cuhnuss> — : if a feller
was to extend that invitation to a young lady, Auntee=
whythenuh..... ?”. She nodded, lost in enerjetick thot. / (And
242 M ARNO SCHMIDT

hollo rumblings outa the North=West ? I cockt my ears at once;

leery, most unpleasant, <Just takes one !> — . . . thirtifive,
*n=thoussin=thirtisicks . . . : and here came the antiffunal
choir.) : “That’s artill’ry, ’'d swear ? ! — Nite b’razh.” And
Auntee Heeta nodded matter-o’-factly : “Suah. Munstuhlagah.
Or Undahloose. That’s pro’ly wheah it’s comin’ from.” / And
gazed with greater simpothee (tho unmistakably renewed dis=
pleasure) at the play of my cheek mussels. (The normal
biografee : from Pitié to Bicétre : from the poorhouse; via
hoosegow; to the looney=bin.)
And Hertha stood beside the sloping dormer; likewise a captive
in the brown net of beams. (“Just don’t think about those
<dubble walls>.” I warned her softly. And she gazed (away)
from me with litely=distrawt eyes.) / And behind us Auntee
Heeta described the warmth of the chimm=lee against which
she was leaning; in winter, “when the mahten skittahs crosst the
roof. ’n’ I still got my ol’ kehr’seen lamp — I keep a whole
canistah filld : Soon be ’nothah wah, won’t theah ?”
(The soft footfall — ? — was only the old tail=less housecat enter-
ing out of the nite. Lifted 1 front=pawlet — ?. — Then nodded to
us. And went its way; aged head held lo; no hurry.) / “Lalande
set his cat in the heavens as a constellation — the French astrono-
mer. Who was also known for his steadily & freely confesst
atheisum : a great man. — In the southern sky : below the neck of
Hydra !” I added, still feeling pet=ulant : I mean, ‘round you=
two a guy has to have everything rite there in his head !
(On the way backdown, Hertha wanted to maintain that <thatch-
rooves> are romantic. But AH just shook her head viggerously :
“We've still a couplav ’em left heah in the villitch — but they’ ah
all on death row. When onev ’em catches fiah, jist can’t be put
out : n’ d’y’ know why ?” (Our, vext, rowmantick didn’t know
of course — romantix never do.) “Cause 0’ the spiduh=web,
child.” And Hertha, who would never have dreamt of a nexus
between arachnids and the vallinteer fire=department, flabber-
gasted : “Cause of a spider=web ?” Yesindeed : the whole foot=
thick mat of reeds of each roof was totally=hopelessly interwo-
ven with the nets of thousands of gen’rashuns of spiders and
spider=ettes — and just let 1 spark hit it.....?: “The bill comes
due, m’ guhl : ’nd prayahs won’t help nun neithah !” —
And back downstairs; in yello warmth; at the ovull table : atop
it, the old copper pot <“genus pipethroater’’> full of thick, sweet
 3 OONDOCKS @ 243

“koko : t’ sellebrate the ’caysion.” (Auntee Heeta came from

a region where, whethah for weddin’s, fun’rals, what=evah,
this bevridge from the far=far West was alliz suhved up. : “Did
you know, Auntee, that what we’re dealin’ with here is an
out’n’out comefortative ?” : “Precisely so, m’boy : in deffrents
t’ you.”)
“Rings like moon=craters.” Hertha said of a sudden; (in whose
cup lay a great catacaustick : p’r’aps for that reason, from her
line of lite, the transition.); and turned hers (with that utterly
ghastly middlin’=blue stone; particularly ugly in conjunktion
with Her : the modern blue bruise didn’t fit her at all !). / But it
was an idea, nonetheless; and we ex=plaind it, together &
topsy-turvy, to our good land=lady : “a wide golden band —” :
“—_ a large gold disk set atop —” : “— round, ovull or somesuch
polly=gone.” (And atop that then, en miniature, a delicut image
of encircling mountains) : “Lovely=embosst crevisst ramparts.
1 central crater.” : “The long black shadows ’d have to be inlaid
in black I s’pose ?”. But Hertha gave an ever=so clever shake of
her inventive head, and decided : “Nono : if the embossings
thick enough — then just in gold : that’d allow for all sortsa
luminations : dependin’ on how you turnd it by evening lamp-
lite.”
“It’d wuhk in silvah, too.” ;AH; cool’n’convinst : “’d make it
considrabbly less xpensive, wouldn’t it. —- Now why hasn’t that
been done long befoah this ? What with the moon bein’ the
latess rage ’nd all —.” / (So send the telegram to Pforzheim rite
away. — But wait : “Don’t y’ think people ’d snatch it up that
much quicker : if it wasn’t some imaginairy=peek; but ’nstead,
delicuttly engraved along the disk=ej, it read : «CRATER OF PLATO>.
<ERASTOSTHENES in the Last Quarter ?” — “<MARE CRISIUM> —” the
inventress=of=it=all murmured, and archt a criticull poutlet of
a mouth — yesyes, it’s not easy to projeckt the marcket. (All
the same, she turnd, as if axident’ly, her brutal blue brick to the
in=side. — Well at least give it some thot; as a cris=muss
present. In silver.).) /And pour the drinx .....
But at that I leppt up : “Schnapps from acorns ? !” (Uncle
Ludwick was said to have masterd the art) : “Oh Auntee :
you’ve gotta pour me | of those !” — “Morrer mohnin’,” she
said sircumspecktly; “Not ’tsevenin’. — Not unless —” (cunning)
‘“_ you'd be willin’ to read us one a youah po’ms .. . ?”
(And Hertha up ! — and avid) : “Oh do=tell Auntee : Has he
244 M ARNO SCHMIDT

written some ?”. — “As a youngin’ — of ’bout 17, 18 ? —: yeees.”

Auntee Heeta said snugly : “Oh, ’f I’d go lookin’ —1 s’pose I
mite find a copple of ’em —”; and, ever more wicked & tender :
“Lookietheah, ain’t that puhtty, when a man of fohty=sicks
tuhns red like that.” And I had to put up with two benevolent
gazes, ’zounds Gruber & Lafontaine, as if Iwere no reasonubble
man, but a professional leerick=maker : and me, farty sex !). /
“Cut the frettin’.”” Hertha sugjested, unmoved; and kept twisting
the knaif : “Oh, Auntee, do sho us : just=one !” (So you'll have
me in your hand, rite ? And can quote me at the most inup-
propriate moments. / I sent a long look Auntee Heeta’s weigh,
the key=figger in this whole sircuss — : but of course as a hi-
schooler during holidaze & vacations, I had sat here, sometimes
4 wix on end, and poet=tasted the then=robust valkyrie of thirty;
easy as pie. / And — ah, the béte had understood my look well
enough — she rubbd | mitey nostril with a mitey indecks finger.
And vassalated. (Deliting mutch in her torcher : Leopold Stein,
<THE WITCHES ARE AMONG Us> ! : C’mon, be reas’nable. — I hurld
another look; as in the merry month of May : !. —. —). —
And decided not. And merely said : “Wellyess. V\l have to take a
look sometime, m’deah. — I hadda cupple ’tanyrate.” (And Hertha,
doughty to the end : is it reallyso awful to bring=up=the=rear
mosta the time ?) : “You do that. I’d love to read *em. — Or have
<HIM> do it for me.” she added sadistickly. (They'll pull it off,
and co=urse me; in tandem. — Quick, switch topix !) :
“Every one needs his Halef.” (and pickt up by way of deman-
stration this most Christoferrous=volume, the «HOUSEHOLD TREA-
suRY> : “This is one of the most cureious books in existents. —”
(And now both of them, so newly rebelleious, bent forward
to listen in obeadyents : to THE ABIDING INTELLECKT : a most
reddoutabull position for you. (Now why, <reddoubtabull> ? I
pulld myself up short — ah yes : <red beard plus nobull divided
by 2>.) / “Because here you see the most x=tensive display of
the craziest thing in the wirrld : that 1 & the same book can be
read in very different <lites» — even in <polarized lite» — yet each
time yield an autonomous, consistent whole. Be that whole — for
a childish mentality; whereby the <child> can have a beard from
here to Bamberg — a novel of travel & adventure. Be it the
ficksation of an autobiograficul=literairy-hystorical point in
time. Be it the murmurings of some cultic=filosofickal world-
view. — Or contrarywise,” I concluded triumfuntly : “the not
 BoonDocks Ml 245

unpiqueturesque x=position of the maxi=suit brought by an

author ’ gainst other persons : seldom has Justeatsia had a more
obfusticated squint ! — And may God,” I concluded fervently
(and meant it too; which assuredly is not always the case with
me) : “grant that some expurt=er=’tother may be quick to
disseckt said litigation for us.”
“Naturally, this I here is a blaytant <self=right=chuss self=
portrutt”; (me, continuing mid headshaking) : “On the other
hand, May was undeniably a <con mam — and not just as regards
the litero=historical value of the late=work. A certain Lebius
carted all sortsa material together; and even tho sundry of his
ex=peckterations aren’t quite correkt — frinstants that May
fumballed round with every housemaid’s ekliptick; or humpt
his 12=year=old niece — : oh, begpardon; those are unseemly
x=pressions. — At any rate, said Lebius has some worth, in that
he constantly spurs one on to <contradicktion>. — Altho person-
ally” | conclewded emphatically, “I’m suspicious of all litterary
scollers who can write their way thru 20 or 50 volumes as if they
didn’t know the diffrunts twixt boys & girls : ll guarantee you
they all had | <bare room> in their villas !”
“That’s somethin’ I'll jist never beleave,” Hertha, ever so
propper : “that on the one hand a poet... : and on ’tother —” she
concluded exassperated, trying in vain to extrickate her thigh
without being noticed. Auntee Heeta phollo’ed this skurrmish
thru the tabletop with intrysted=Xray eyes. And I contradickted,
eelly & nepharious : “Oh but, Hertha : it does in=deed happen :
someone can collect the materials for his JINNISTAN with the rite
hand : «Rising to Realms of Noble Humanity» ! — While with the
left... 2?” (And Auntee Heeta nodded in fassination : my <left>
was in just the rite lowcation; xactly where a man’s left ought
on occation to be. — And Hertha suckt in | jigger of Giffen-
dorphian air : ! And Auntee Heeta studd=up. Gazed discreetly
in the glass of the hutch in the next room. Tho, ’tis true, tosst her
re=mark back over her plump left shoulder : “Don’t be so
inhibb’ted, child. : «Fashions change, buttons don’t.”
“G’on, m’boy.” (: Gladly, Queen !) : “. . . and with the left
sighmulltaneously pen <Copy No. 2> : «Descending to Realms of
Subhumanity> : Here! .. .” / (Proffered choyce passages — as
choyce as a master=mind can mannij on the Ist=skimthru.) :
“<Karl May & Minna Ey ? : They won’t never hitchify >>”. /
And the latter gleaned felt=lice from fat shanx : while at the
246 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

undarkend windo, 4 workingmen’s faces (1 atop the other, like

the Waits of Dresden); ostensibly they had seen it all; title :
nicuTsuirT. / And his second <beast> steatopygicked to the hotel
garni with her Aschyk — ’zounds Eustachius of Kent & Gott-
fried of Monmouth, I’ll have to study that in quiet depth some-
time. / “And you really don’t know, Auntee, what Oncle
Ludwick’s — possible — connexion was with this <Navy> ?”
Another curt denial.
“<You look like our pimp!» —” : while the grave=aging Hakavati
toddled along behind his two women : ’twas a mad dockument
indeed; fifty pursent Strinnberg, fifty Assyl Benn Rih; (and
when the pace gets too slo for the lady-riding, she <lays her hand
between its ears> : “it swayed, grew long & thin”. More like
<thick>.) / (And they give this=thing to eech’n’every youth toy-
ing with the notion of marritch) : “There’s an obvious warning
against wedlock in all this, don’t y’ think ? : <Go not to the
rhind, young man. ’tis my advice.» ?”
But even Auntee Heeta took issue, curiously enough : do you
want me, you=who=I=wunts, ’fonly in my ’magination ? / They
made ineggmatick=irresolewt faces, like seemstresses &
knittresses; <Oknos, the rope=braider>; (the devil take all these
parseedic=norns !).
“~.. and then there’s you, with your everlastin’ <reed it loud to
me», Auntee Heeta — ?”; but she cut me short; with 1 simpull
nod, she was good at that. : “Suah. Who’s got time t’ do theah
own=readin’ out heah in the country ? That’s what you
smaht=mouths ’ah good foah.” (Which Hertha then confirmed.)
/“P’raps you'd tell me if it’s your well-considered opinion :
that we=Men were created prinsupply to provide you with witty
topix for ’musement ? At most, off & on, entirely <AS YOU LIKE
IT>, to demanstrate for you our mastery, achieved mid much
painful hard=ship, in <interruptus> ?” — AH cool & c’leckted :
“°?m not suah what that is. But’s moh’en likely the case, don’t
y think ?” Hertha kept sullen silents. “Mite I, titt for tatt,
x=plain to you what We=Men ... ?” But now both kept silents.
Sullen.
So then, litterchure’n’gen’ral ; “The Swiss ? : intellectually,
that’s no nation; just a German provints. Having, ergo, the taste
of provinshills. — But without having shared the fate of Germans :
I was a solljer and POW for 68 months : They need to keep their
mouths shut, and their ears open; when we Germans stand up to
 KOONDOCKS Ml 247

speak.” (And I flung an exubberant fist onto the tabletop : out.

& back.)
“Pomes ? ; Aeh=naeh.” Auntee Heeta; cool-headed : “It’s all
mostly nonsunts, dontcha know. — Youah really clevah men, I'd
say, nevah write no moah poems latah in life. — Mostly as
younstahs, ’t’s true.” she added, by way of consolaytion, in my
direction. (And I lent her further commentarry . .
: “Deerest Auntee Heeta...” —(and fell silent for a short while :
*fonly I'd riskt such x=pressions back then, 30 years ago. She
was also obviously savoring that long <ee>.) : “’m glad to hear,
Auntee, that you=too have somethin’ gainst all the jinglin’s and
oh=pee=ates those romantick Heinies want to buy us off with :
the workaday world is not so clear as those gentlemen *d have
us believe : not half so clear !”
“Hmmyes,” she said; (and made criticul correxions on some
piece o’ fabrick : why is that we men don’t know, frinstunts,
how <filet> is made ?). “I’ve alliz said writahs oughtta be
honuss. And not prittify it foah us — when his hero steps in a
cow=pie : ’nd that happens rite frequently out heah in the
country —’. (And went on making <filet>; and went on talking
quietly) :
“Oah hero=rinns : the soht that nevah have a peeriud. Oah
can’t abide the wuhd <jakes». - Oah what’s what with love=
makin’ : I happen t’ find that lovely. Let him go rite ahead
’nd describe it foah me : y’know a body can’t — sad t’ say ! —
lay hold to ev’rything in life; ’nd taste & smell : tho I’d suah like
to. That is : woulda : when I was youngah.” she added, correct-
ing herself with splendud precision. : “He oughta describe
xactly : how things look, jist foah example, in the desuht. So
that I’m compleetly inside=it. And not drag in some sorta
romantick <Bedweens> : they’ah sich dreadfull filthy creatuhs,
ahn’t they ?”
Pause. / Thinking above, knitting belo; both vig’rously.
Hertha’s gaze was fulla reservations. Mine unreserved. (While
readying myself mentally for my imminent lecture.)
“QOah how mahrrij sometimes gits y’ down —: heah rec’ntly ina
book I read about a mahrrid couple, wheah both the pahtnuhs
grew moah’n’moah alike, even theiah faces —: ’d rathah cut off
m’ nose !” she closed stormily. And in indignation lookt after
the fire. And said to the firing-door : “G’ rite ahead ’nd ahgue all
y’ can : In=d’pendents !” / ’*Zounds Xerxes and Artaxerxes ! :
248 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“Deerest Auntee —...” : “You jist button youah lip.” she said
irassibly : “You’ah a fine one : —” (at which point, thanx to the
carbon=moknockside, the toxick fumes rose up her big
raspbarey gullet. She bounst up & back. We caught her. And I
enjoyed pounding the fat of her back twixt broad shoulder=
blades — : ’fonly I’d dared do it 30 years ago !).
“And what do y’ like t’ read best of all ?”. “Oohh” she cought,
imperturbable : “The 50=cent=mags, ain’t that what you like :
they’re all sich duffahs & pipskweeks, them authahs. — Gone up
to 60 heah o’ late by the by.” And gave a more elegant cough. /
“And then — : Dickens, dontcha know ? Altho those <females>
of=his ahr ghastly creatuahs, 0’ coahse. ’nd with Waltah Scott
y gotta pay strict *tension. — ’nd now that the ev’nin’s ahr
gettin’ longah, — : that’s when y’ miss some=one t’ reed t’ you
allowd. Don’t y’ think, Heahther ?” (And, sly) : “That'd be
aw’fly cozy, dontcha know. — Then y’ wouldn’t have those
puffy eyes ’nymoah.” (And poured me more koko). “And <H#2>
*d prob’ly be alot less restive, too.”
“But y’ alliz have to keep one thing in mind, Kahl : the best &
grandest things wuhn’t written foah us=simple folk : I don’t
meddle with a watchmakah who spends the whole live=long
day sittin’ in his wuhkshop lookin’ thru a magnifyin’ glass :
And a body that spends the whole day doing nothin’ but
studyin’ ‘nd fidgettin’ round with wuhds — : why o’coahs he
can come up eezy with things othah folx don’t unnerstand.”
(And explaining, to Hertha) : “He read aloud t’ me heah once;
bout a cuhtain <ANNA LEAV=YER> — oh, good 15 yeahs ago...”
(Hertha simply waved it aside, a la «Me too». — “Ohh. : You=
too, m’deah ? — Whadya know. —”; and gave her nose another
mitey rubb.)
“Now don’t be peevd at me, Kahl : 1 jist didn’t undah=stand it !
— So I watcht yoah face all the while in=stedd : Y’ wuh jist
evuh=so xited ! —’; and turnd, eager-to-tell, to eager-to-hear
Hertha : “’fonly y’ coulda seen it=guhl — : Y’ woulda giv’n him
a kiss on=the=spot ! — If not moah. —I was puhtty=nigh to doin’
it m’self; back then.” she added, with can=did vigah. (Muchel
avenaunte bumms : so was hir faire body» — : «Report of a Life
of Misstchances> ’Il be the title someday. ’Zounds Crab=Nebula
& Supernova : Y’ can’t tell me !), —
(C’mon; here to me; topick for the ev’ning) : «Johann Esaias
Silberschlag> ! /““Whatta name.” Auntee Heeta said boyauntly.
 # OONDOCKS m 249

And Hertha, too, made a forst effort to give ita look....

: “Who, would y’ say, would be best quallified to tackull the
subjekt of <NOAH’S FLOOD» ?”. (Pause to con=sidder : how lovely,
when 2 women cunsidder !). / “A loafer. — Or a perfesser : a
proffit.” Hertha said acerbickly; : “Somebody with nothin’ else
to do.” (Is it that hard to get her to play a game ? — Auntee Heeta
was just the oppo=sit. She laid her heavy head — <LIONESS WITH
HEAVY HEAD> — a little to 1 side, boring unmistake=ably with her
tongue in an upper=left molar. First rockt <said=head>. And
even shook it litely. And with gental sensure : “’Tain’t quite
that simpull, m’deah. — /’d say it’s moah like —” (and now, all=
chewdiscious, to me) : “a dike-reeve, ’mIrite ? !”.
A dike-reeve ! Most Engelic of Heetas ! ! ! («They spied it from
a=farr : the Grand=Duke in his car> : nought but Storm,
’Zounds, & Voyage au Centre de la Terre : Very good !). /
“Let’s say — gen’rallizing — someone from the Water=Worx Of-
fice : Be=holed : <Johann Esaias Silberschlag>, 1716 to 91. —
And you could, by the way, <realize> a good=hundrid=marx for
his <GEOGENY> — any time. . . .” / (Brief, impressive pause. And
AH’s massive brows archt a 120 d’grees of int’rest. (Or, how
large was that ang=gul ? I gave her face another studdy; ’zounds
morning= and evening=amplitood; ’zounds Valentiner & K.
Stumpff !). —
“It’s the most absurd mishmash of proto=teknical=micro
errordition; and Bibull=skollerly madness : he was, as hist’ry
would have it, the last of his <school> — and rarely have such
self=assurance, of a truly episscopal magnitood, and its corol-
lary, a semi-smattering of scientifick knowledge, spread such
a litterary peacox tale ! — But disregarding that . . .” (“Can y’
dis=regard something like that ?” Hertha inkwired fretfully). /
“_. disregarding that, however; SILBERSCHLOGG, is fulla curious
annick=dotes; rare observations of the weather; and a gen’ral
chuckle & a half to read.” /And AH nodded, in upprovall : “’t’s
bout like with a huz=bind. — So what’s he write theah bout the
weathah ? —”
“In the year 1755, on the third day of Whitsuntide, by mid=
morning a scorching Heat befell; the which in the afternoon
grew so Unbearable that the very birds sought out the Shade of
the densest trees and rooves. On the aforesaid day, we found
ourselves in WOLMIRSLEBEN, a village in Magdeburgshire, be-
tween Egeln & Unseburg on the Bode. At about three o’ the
250 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

clock we descryed a thick white Cloud . . .” (“He writes, thru=

out the book, in <serenissimus=style>” I hastened to explain;
“Uses the grand=royal <we>. About as if you were to say <We
were in any case full weary of our husband...» ... ?”. And they
both nodded serenely. : <Got it ?> or <full=weary> ?. — “Jist reed
on, m’lad, reed on.”) : What’d she mean ?!/: “. . . a Cloud,
which, to judge by the eye, hovered but a few hundred rods in
the Air. It stood on the far side of the River=Bode, its contours
mimicking exactly the Course of the stream...... At 4 0’ the
clock there appeared toward the southwest a high and vast
Thunder=cloud, the which extended over the whole of the Prin-
cipality of Halberstadt as far as the Harz. Its Colour was not
black but pale yellow rather. It emitted periodic Thunder; but
held so high that its bolts could not reach the Earth, striking
instead something less than the midpoint before returning to the
Cloud.” (“Myomy : hail.” said Auntee Heeta anxiously.)
: “But now the period of Armistice was passt : at 5 o’ the clock
this high cloud in the West was transmuted into darkest Night.
Lightning & Thunder came in such rapid sequency that it was
much like a Regiment of tambours sounding incessant alarum.
Amid these Tumults, ice=clods large as pigeon or hen eggs fell,
tho but randomly.” (The AH=hand spread in corroboration.
Also in accus= and other =ations.)
: “Whereupon a Gale blustered across the Hackel Wood, rais-
ing a whirlwind of dust high into the Air even as it passt. The
cloud, as described above in Sektion 239, wheeled about. A
mile and a half from our standpoint, a Shepherd hastend with
his sheep toward stalls near a croft. It was his good Fortune not
to reach his place of Asylum : our scope, some 6 feet in length,
registered how at that very moment said stalls were torn away,
sending both the straw of the Roof and its beams flying about in
the Air. A few minutes thereafter, the Whirlwind attacked the
village of Unseburg, lying perhaps a quarter hour distant from
Wolmirsleben : where, amid terrible cracking & banging, an
impenetrable Dust Cloud arose, in which there flew the sheaves
of thatcht=rooves, together with beams and limbs of trees.
Lightning & Thunder accompanyd these tumults, and Hail un-
rolled in sheets, pouring from the tempest=cloud down upon
village and field — and thus did it rage on toward Magdeburg. /
The following day we surveyed the Scene of Battle : more than
50 structures had been rippt away, and even the largest barns
 # OONDOCKS @ 251

stood now much like small collapst and twisted Pyramids from
which the ravaged carpentry extruded like so much kindling. All
Beasts, all Poultry, Swallows, Ravens —” (here I cast a pitifull
glants at my maiden, who had built her house near the waters and
loved animals to excess — with the constant xeption of me.) — :
“lay battered upon the fields; and what few Geese had escaped
with their lives now swam about on the Bode with broken wings
— like grapeshot from a cannon, the Hail had pierced some of
them through & through !” (“<and slain them> the smartalecky
heinie tosses in as well — I'll leave that out.’’).
: “At 60’ the clock, a third, yet more terrible hailstorm roared
out of the West and down upon the fields of Wolmirsleben, mid
constant Thunders & Lightnings, its Wind so mighty that we
had not time to open all the windows of our Residents looking
to the West; nor to save ourselves except to stand behind a pilas-
ter between two windows : inasmuch as these stood clear with
the wall, thick hail fell into the Structure, and rebounded with
thousandfold rattling from the wall opposite us. In the course of
half an hour, we found ourselves buryd up to the knee in Hail-
stones; and were presented with the Choice : either be slain by
falling hail or be buryd beneath it. It was our good Fortune not
to be struck by the lightning bolts striking nearby in the passing
storm. / These three hailstorms had caused such a Cooling of the
Air that a thick Fog rose up, as if from a conflagration, extend-
ing over all fields, and indeed within the very houses, kitchens
and barns, and obstructing the eye of every view. Stray Horses
coverd in bruises raced about the fields, several moreover had
been slain. The limbs of the trees hung shatterd from the trunks
of trees; the standing Corn had been batterd and was no more,
nothing now being visible but black and hard=packt soil in
which the hailstones had left their imprint. Quail, Partridge,
Hare and Swallow lay crusht between farrows where corn once
sprouted.”
Auntee Heeta had long since \et her knit=stitch=oidery fall; was
gazing intently at me; and nodded now & then & quick & force=
full. Now she took a deep breath : “Yep. Theah be sich things.”
she said with convickshun : “’nd rite at pennnycost ? Pff. —
What yeah was that ? Sev’teen=hunuht ’nd fiftyfive ? Is it still
poss’ ble t’ ficks the xack date ?” But Hertha waved this aside :
“Not now —” she beggd : “What I mean is : he could : he’s for-
ever doing that sorta thing, not that it serves any purpose. — But
252 M ARNO SCHMIDT

just think o’ that : geese with their wings broke. ’nd bunnies
struck dead ? : we jist saw one here ’s afternoon. — But horses ?”,
she concluded leerily : “Ain’t he jist a bit tetcht”.
“Nope; he’s not tetcht, m’deah.” Auntee Heeta said decisively :
“Theah I was one=day out in the pastuahs, ’nd run into the
neighbah lad. We’d jist had ouah chat — was a dawdlin’ sorta
whippah-snappah,” she added firmly. ~ *nd we went ouah
sep’rit ways. Not givin’ the weathah no nevahmind — : ouah
ac’ rage was rite next t’ the wood; he was plowin’ out in the open
field. — And alleva=sudden what do I heah, but him screamin’;
and the hohses bolt off. ’nd heah they come runnin’ ! And sich a
lightnin’ ’n’ thund’rin’ — And when I open my eyes, theah he is
layin’ next to his plow : dead.”
“Yes=but, this is all about hail —.” an amazed Hertha tryd to
object. But AH simply shook her head, dismissing this : ~’ts
sumpin you don’t unnerstan’, child; you’ah still too young.” she
said with detuhmination. (So that I really had no choice but to
come to my read=head’s aid) : “Deerest Auntee — : she can drive
a car. And prob’ly knows a bit more about thunder & lightning
than you do : if you’ve nothing crucial to add about hail in
p’tickular — I repeat : «HAIL» — we'll have difficulty rescuing
Silberschlag. Because . . .”; (and, without letting her get another
word in, I moved on to Noah’s Flood) :
“—_. surely you'll also be able to give us : the day & the hour,
Central Eurapion Standard Time, when GOd said, <Let there be
lite» ?”. /: “On September 17th in the Year of Our World zero,
<toward evening, as seen from the Asiatic hemisphere> — saith
Silberschlogg. Adam’s birthday, ergo, 9/22.” (And don’t give
>em time) : “On November 7th in the Year of Our World 1646,
<the fownt’ns of the great=deep>» were <broken up» — as the
technickle terminology has it. /On 12/17 the flood had reacht its
highest point. / 4/6 : Arkatop Ararat. / 6/19 : tops of mountains
uppear. / 7/28 Noah lets one captive go, the raven to be x=act. —
8/4 dove one; 8/11 dove two; 8/18 dove three. / On 9/22 Noah
opens the roof from the ark : on 11/17, <went forth of the ark>.”
/ (“Tetcht —’ Hertha mutterd in disgust.)
“Yes, but how was the delootch s’pos’d t have come=about in
the fuhst place ?” Auntee Heeta inkwired frostily. (Still a bit
mifft from before, huh ? Because your competitrix has culti-
vated illicit intercourse with combustchen enjines.)
“According to Johnann Esaias Silberschlag the earth is com-
 +, OONDOCKS M@ 253

posed of two=thirds stony mantel; and in its innurds — the miss-

ing | third — of an orb of water. This stony mantel is interlarded
with, hieratickly arranged, caverns : beneath the continents
those of the <first rank>, the biggest ones. — Perfectly tenable :
gravitashunnal=deefekts do exist. / Under mountains, some-
what smaller, those of the <second rank». Above these, very near
the earth’s surface now, the ones familiar to us, <simple caves».
The upshot being that the interior water=core is, ultimately,
conneckted with the earth’s surface.
“He doesn’t do a bad job, either — all these builders of verbal
worlds, from Thomas Ackwhinus to glacial=cosmongers, are
quite <right> — once you conseed ’em just 2 or 3 prelimminairy
details; the <theorhetical structures» are <wonderfully unified»
and «perfect closed systumms>. — That the foundations stink
isn’t so important to them. / And so he sets out to make sharp=
eyed invesdigations of caves; <Craters in the Uckermarck> : and
appropriates all <terminal moraines» and <heathen earthworx>
as a matter of course. Includes <designs>; panoramas of Mt.
Brocken; blueprints; and to top it all even 1 model=apparatus,
so you can really get your hands on it. That way, the unbeleever
must be either a skowndrull, or a downrite loonatick, for not
falling to his knees then & there in adder=ation before GOd
& Silberschlogg.”
“Sooo — if Iunneh=stand y’ rite — : the watah comes up from
b’lo ?” : “Does a body good how well you understand me,
deerest Auntee —” (this time she used her head to shoo off the
<deerest>, like a pesky=skeeter — did our skrewples peeve you
that much 7?) —
“Hm=hmm — : ‘nd infackt he gets it up=top by means of a
simpull, and instuntanyous, lowring of atmosfeerick=pres-
sure : and y’ can bet it spurts, so t’ speak ! / «Fountains 60
miles high> in his depicktion. : and washt elefunts all the way
to Sibearia... !”. (“Ah : the mammaths.” Hertha said in sur-
prise & delite : very fine, my girl; you could partissipate a bit,
too.)
“¢Fossils> were presoomably «cave fauna». — As a result of evil
cave=vapors suckt up with it, the earth’s atmos=fear took a
decisive turn for the wurst, which easily provides an xplana-
tion for the short’ning of human life after the flood : those
mefitix were GOd’s methud for <saving the world from new
900=year=old villains» : what all don’t I find here in my
254 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Silberschlogg ? !” / (“’t’s all nought but chaff’n’tahres.” AH,

s=cornfull.)
“The most charming x=cursees are woven in : about Atlantis;
which was only a Super=Sargasso=Isle for conveying germs
o’ life to the New World; and once its task was fullfilld
promptly sank again. / Petrifaxions : <That the Flood occurred
after Harvest is confirmed as well by the im=pressions left by
petrifyd Ears of Grain and autumnal insex : we have in our Pos-
session the im=print of a clearly recognizable ear of Wheat
taken from Mannsfeld schist.» / Or the int’resting question :
<Whether there were Antediloovian rainbows ?> —’. (“Now
why’d he ask that ?”; Hertha, purplext.)
“But the oddballest thing is, undeniably, the center=piece : his
discription of the Ark’s construxion — ’twas not for naught that
Silberschlogg was on the <Soljer=King’s» Bord of Publick
Worx. For here lie cuppled, in truly unforgettubble fashion, the
prettyest budding=nowlij of proto=teknological <statix>, with
statistical=biblical madness .. . : here : —’. (And I held out
the copperplayt etchings for them; so payshuntly; — “Just wait
till y’ hear the ill=lucidation : I'll show y’ them again after-
words.”’)
“Like some sorta floatin’ hotel, ain’t it.”, Lady Pompass ob-
surved anent the three=story raft=house. / “And xactly <as=per
instruxions> : 300 cubits long, 50 wide; 30 high. Three floors,
on atop the other; <and cappt with a roof commensurate to its
length & breadth». — Built into the raft=floors, made of layers of
thick tree=trunx, are diverse <ponds> : for ammfibbyans and
smaller freshwater animals. Plus a minnomum of 4 wells.”
“Ey’ry storey finisht=offin finest fashion; equipt with windos
to the outside : <In the middle is set a Hallway, 10 cubits wide,
giving Access to all the stalls — these are made to run from the
walls to the center. Each Stall has a trap=door, thru which the
dung of the Ark can be vacuated with no undue labour.» without
an <e>. / Here y’ can see the hay= and straw=storerooms, nicely
distributed — not quite so many as usuall by the way : the ani-
mals *Il just be standin’, so they won’t need as much.” (AH gave
a measured nod.)
(“The door=size is determined of course by the Dimensions of
the elephant.”’). —
“And here, at last, the animal=speecees; all registerd in best
hotel=fashion. : the Lemurs ? : 2nd floor please, room 61. / Felis
 fF OONDOCKS M 255

Leo & wife ?: 1st floor, room | — natch : «King o’ the Beasts» !
/ Have the ladies any questions ? As regards incluesivity. Or
some special fav’rite ? — —”.
“Where’s uhm — — : the zebra ?” : “22 on 1, sweet child.” /
“Or —: the skwirrls ?” (Hertha, wunts again. Well y’ always get
three free tosses at my booth. / Uh=justaseck=uh —) : “Please
make your way — to=uh — —” (damn, where were they ? — Ah
here !) : “—- Room 58 on the second floor : you may amuse your-
self there with all 11 members of the Sciurus family known at
the time : don’t forget to take a few nuts along.”
- “10, count’em, 10 royal=ocktavo=pages of tables — and I
guarantee y’ needn’t dubble=check it : without fail, he did it
all=keyrekt with zoology=textbook in hand. So the error can’t
lie with him : these guys ‘ll try to manoover any ’ventual <dis-
cussion» t’ward just this sortev item, and then stick=fast; and
<prove> that they’ ve inclooded <everything>.”
“And of, trooly amusin’, <punktilly=ousness> in this regard
there is no end. —” (and now specially puff=cheeky majestickle) :
“Originally we intended to place all filanthropic animals in
closest Society with Noah. Yet the unbearable braying of the
Ass, the grunting of the Swine, the bellowing of the Cows and
Oxen, the nightly stompings of the Horses, appeared to us un-
seemly for such close Proximity to the residence of the Monarch
of the entyre Globe.»” / “To compunsate, he houses all the birds
neath the roof=hurrah; with the songbirds rite above the quar-
ters of <homo diurnus>; so that the humans «mite take comfort in
the sweet Concert of the Creator’s Chorus amid such mournfull
memories & prospects.>” / “Or the touching=prefatory descrip-
tion of <a good husband=man’s Grief when from his lovely
herds — all grown dear to his heart — he must select but one pair
of each at the door of the Ark !>”.
(But ‘twas too much of mockerry; at this point Auntee Heeta
broke in : “’Sumpin’ you wouldn’t undahstand.” she said, with
rude intent : “It can like to wrench yoah haht: theah stands a
paiah 0’ lovely cattle — ’nd you’ah s’posed t’ favah one ovah
t’othah, and foah no good reason ? — : When it comes t’ that at
least, I know summat moah than you=two.”; (and shot a ma=
jestick glants; mostly toward Hertha, who was at a loss to know
why she had been so honored; and queried in embarrassment ——
and at her itty-bitty voice, Auntee Heeta’s eyes again grew more
sympathetick & kindly, a la <deahlohd, the child simply knew
256 M ARNO SCHMIDT

not what it said» — even tho Hertha had not said a word ! Very
droll.) —
“Where they bedded down the people ? — Second floor, rooms
1 thru 3: Noah & wife. 4 & 5 Jaffet. 6, 7 Shemm. 8 and 9
Hamm. : Here kitchen, plus stove. Here, kitchen for stewing the
fodder.” (And AH in particular made a criticull study of the
suites at the ark’s stern.)
“Insex ? : in the form of «eggs & larva»; inside the wood & bark
of the plethora of material : «Noah had not the least Reason to be
sparing of lumber in a perishing World.»” / Lotsa work ? — :
“Each person had 7 stalls to tend — every day on the lowest
deck; every other day on deck 2. The birds uptop were easier to
handle : <Nor would the filling of water troughs have required
more than a half day’s Labour — given such circumstance, the
Arrangements for tending the Ark offered more Amusement
than Herculean labour.» —”
But here arose 1 Screw=pull : “Well, my urbanette ?” — “Yes,
but wouldn’t it — don’t get peeved ’ gain now, Auntee — wouldn't
it ’ve smelled pretty bad ?”. (Even she puckered her mouth too :
a floating barn; with about 110 not scantily occoopied cabins &
boxes ? (And if you’ve ever been in the monkey=house; or are
familiar with the stench of the aforemenshunned <King of
Beasts> sa ).) / But I promptly came to their assisstunts; (do-
ing my viggrous part to further the burgeoning general
re=relacksation) : “The ark did not smell of manure; but rather
<as we suggested above in Sektion 81, the entire Structure, hav-
ing been pitcht within & without with Babylonian pitch, was
suffused with the most delicious aromatic Fragrance; the stores
of Hay with the balsamic odour of their contents would likewise
have done their part to produce healthy & sweet=smelling
Airs.>” —
(And brief, but capacious, silence and pondering. — (Very nice :
this <intellechewall between 2 such very different listening=
ladies : hemmorrhoids alone do not make the learned man.
(Altho I would soon, in no time at all it uppeared, be rejoycing
in them as well : that'll be the hole megillah ! (And best not
say <kiss m’ass> then — or even think it : I wouldn’t ex=pect
that even of my enemies. (And the funny smell of my urine
rescently; after gourmandizing on canned American assparagus.
(Sans heads of course; too ’xpensive otherwise. Not necessary
either:).).).).) 3
 ¥ OONDOCKS @ 257

“Yezpleeze... ?” / Seeing as Hertha now askt the timely ques-

tion : “And so what’s so outa whack with his <presumptions> ?”.
(Auntee Heeta likewise gazed at me full on. Highly=criticull,
too : the animal=husbandry had pleased her mytally.)
“Let’s say : 3 trifling matters : First, the globe cannot be built a
la Silberschlag. It’s av’rij specifick mass is 5 point 5 : calcue-
lating by measurements he himself provides, his <inner orb of
water> would have a specific weight of /0, instead of J, which is
the well-known constant for water.” / Digesting. / Hertha
<raised a hand» as if in school : “Could he ’ve known that ? in
1791 ?” : “’Zounds Hutton & Maskelyne : he could |”
Second ? : “Well, he demands that for his purposes we make
room for one addishnal minor meerickle : <The Atmosfere ex-
panded by 27 millyun 409 thousand and 185 cubic miles.>” /
“And that could never happen ?” (What does one reply to that ?
So I just shruggd. And gave the the tiled=stove a stiff stare. And
Auntee Heeta helpt me out by spreading her athletick mouth
wider, and gave a dispairaging headshake : “ “’Tanyrate,
somethin’ we know nothin’ about, m’ guhl : noah Silberschlogg
neithah. Funny duck —.” she added in lively commentary : “’nd
thuhdlee ?”
“Ahyes, the <thuhdlee>, Auntee.” 1 said reproachfullee. And
since they didn’t catch on rite off, I helpt it along with : “Do y’
do mutch Bibull reading in your spare time ?”. — “Ohthataway,”
she said calmly, : “Y’ mean, the whole stohry could be jist a
figgmeant of imagination.” And : “Nope; hardlinevah do ‘ny
byble readin’ : don’t find nothin’ in it bout how I’m s’post to
conduckt m’self in the wuhld nowadays. Not that I’ve got
’nything gainst those people; but . . .”; and gave a shrug ofthose
splendidd telluric=broad shoulders; (back then, 30, 25, 20, 15
years ago, the site sometimes drove me crazy : <Long, long ago :
longago.>)
And she got up; and redded up her sewing matter-of-facktly. /
“But a cuhrious case all the same.” she said; meaning Silber-
schlogg : “Was he a vehry relitchous man foah all that ? — Re-
ally religious, I mean; you know.” (I know : <tollerant; humain>;
and she nodded) : “Not only was he not, Auntee : he was one of
the most biggotted & fanatickall bastards that ever walkt about
on shoe=leather : what didn’t he do to bully people after the
infamous Willner Edict of 1788.” / “A man firmly convinst of
his principles, y’ mean ?”; Hertha; shyly : ever since Auntee
258 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Heeta’s inexplickabull outburst, she submitted her own ’pinions

only in the form of highpothaseize.
“Hittler was <firmly convinst>, too, my dear, that Jews or Slavs
are infearior beings. And had them wiped out — always firm in
his convickshuns, rite ? ! — by the millyuns. — : «Convictions»
are just about the foulest reason anybody can come up with; the
only thing to top ’em is «beliefs» maybe : and therein lies one of
the errors in the poppular argument «that I should respect &
honor my neighbore’s convictions & beliefs» — : That won't cut
any ice with me, y’hear !”
“Yes, but shouldn’t we respect them then ?”; Hertha in protest;
she had likewise risen from her seat; and Auntee let her hands
come to rest again, too, giving all this a judelicious listen.
“You should not persecute your, quite ritely beloved, <neigh-
bor», threaten life’n’ limb, on the basis of his «convictions» — by
which he genrally means his «beliefs» anyhoo. That also means
not denying him the «daily bread> he must earn : for most folx,
fathers of fam’lies ’n’ such, that’s just another forma <taking=
life>. If we could just get to where we merely let dissenters be :
the world ’d be a damnsite better off ! : Whoever considers his
own opinions the <only way to bliss», defames Everybody Else a
priori : be it Rome or Mecca, be it Bonn or Pankow : all we’ve
got is witch-hunts !” (Unnecessary gloomeration; been better
off not to ’ve thot about that s’ev’nin’.) —
(And need a quick shave, too.) / Auntee Heeta appeered now
with the famous tray; and we formd the well-known <distin-
guisht group». (Hertha with quite empty hands; and accord-
ingly, nervess=awkword. Until she folded’em before her pertty
pelvis; and humbly lowerd her fiery urchin=head, as if about to
recite a pome.) : Everyone today was sirved, as in hi=cere-
moniall olden days, | glass of wine, toppt with 1 thin black-
bread san’ witch. / (Even me; at my face the humming BRAUN. —
While being wistfully obsirved.)
“Lookathat —”; AH, bemused : “Yoah Uncle Ludwick, now, he
never got sproost up extra befoahand — for me they wuh mostly
Studies in Bristledom. Well, guess y’ jist get thru it somehow
oah tothah.” / And silence. (Only the motorette singing. And
Hertha was apparently still occupeyed with her pome : 2nd
stanza.)
“But’t’s all behind me now.” she said. Raised her head deci-
sively. And waxt eminently High German : “I intend from heah
 3 OONDOCKS mM 259

on out to be human again; and live my own life.” And, turning

fiercely to Hertha : “Could y’ mibbe drive me foah a quick trip
to Celler t’morrer, child ? : I’m goin’ shoppin’ !”.
Then She began to laugh; relieved, beaming, sympathetick : so
that’s how an apprentess valkyrie smiles at her 2=hundred-
pound, gray-haired pairagon ! / : “Whyacoarse, Auntee. —
You’ve got a good 20 years ’nd more to enjoy life : Would
round=ten suit you ?” And Auntee Heeta handed her the tray.
And laid an arm around her (: Oh Allah : what’n arm ! Hertha
staggerd, keeping her ballants all the same.) And gave her a
maternall kiss on the cheek : “G’nite, child : sleep tite.” (And
claims she’s a standoffish prowd Lowah=Sacksin !) — Scoffing,
I pulld the Akku=flashlite from the wall; stuck the shining tool
in Hertha’s mouth; and she started out. —- Auntee Heeta held me
back tho. By the chin.)
“Back when y’ used a blade, y’ wuh smoothah, y’know.” she
remarkt to the point. Then, with a sigh and equal dignity : “Jist
so y’ know, m’boy : I don’t heah good in my left eah; ’nd I sleep
on my rite — if you=two don’t come fallin’ thru the ruff : y’
won’t distuhb me ’tall. But jist be cahrfull; theah’s nuff folx in
this wuhld. — Only hope it’s wahm enuff.” she conclewded
worriedly : “Lay 2 moah peat=logs on, fuhst thing.” —

* *

(Uptop : the gecko of her hand was already nestling at the sec-
ond floating lite.) : “Where were you so long ? —’d she give you
a nitey=nite kiss, too ?”. (Equally off=hand and jealous : very
good; as it should be. I would ’ve been too if some <uncle> or
other ’d been playin’ around with Her.) : “Noo. Only thing she
said to me was <Shove off.». — : Here, the proof of my most
viggerous chastitee:...”
(And the mouth-wallowing went so well; such menassing of her
non=lox; such beaming of eyes into my face . . .) : “Hertha —
mite I stripp away the crepey=ruffles ?”; me, ardent. True, she
did permit it, mutely. But then once again : “Couldn’t you
cotton to other ’xpressions sometimes ? — Never the least
bit roam-man-tieck.” (and shook her head in reziggnation.
While I most humbly caresst & kisst her thighs. (Even ventured
a check of her pockit calendar, whether the end of hunting
260 M ARNO SCHMIDT

seizon mite not be at hand, lune rousse : you'll pay for that
m’dear...: !))
(Me below; in each hand \ thin golden-red rolling-pin calf :
above, an owlish screetch. (But softer than I had expected; tho
somewhat more tastefull.)). / Then She, with inured fore-
bearants : “Don’=think you’ll ever learn.” Leckturing : “With
you=men it’s a single melting=point ’t seems : with us=
wymmin, an expansive in=terval of morbidezza.” : “Now
where’d you learn that word ? !”. (And she nodded in content :
just look at the stoopified poor savage, wouldja ?)
“Come my child : thy cream=hills . . .”. First a can=tankerous
motion of the hips; but then condescended to tolerate the
adorant’s kiss on each; (: how marvelous the way you could feel
her ribs. And see them. And both red portalls. Very much a la
120:4; with coals of juniper ! —)
But once again She restled free. / Walkt ~bout the room> with
aimless intension. — / (An earwig in her cup ? Happens in attix. :
She dumpt it thru the litely unhinged windo out onto the roof.) /
1 mirror — (The like=ness of Her breath thereon, how tender &
bluish; not like my coarse wheezings. Or those of even more
bumptious folk, that almost build dropplets : rrite on it !).
(Still in panties & sneakhers ? : verily, thine interval of mor-
bidezza is expansive. Despite the red scourging lash of thy tung.
(As soon as I steppt behind her, we were at wonts sirrounded by
nastily contorting shados.) / The draw’r slid out a piece ? —: She
shoved it slowly back in, pond’ring, (About what, prey tell !),
with her slender abdomain. “Kiss, thou art cold=nosed ! : you
need to rubb it with little velvet brushes —” : “Wellthen, you can
jist warm me up —” she rejoyned (with disshevalled left shoe-
lace; the right, terribly <propper, with bow : cunning !).
(So drawing it out even more. / But ye olde <millyou» was, |
grant, magickall, ’zounds Linz & A. Godin : behind the jut of
the chimney, the try=pod of the wash=stand; beside it the cham-
ber pot. (If an ear were laid to the non=support — — she did so;
slyly slytly=contorted; becoming all=ear on the rite, flashing
sigh=clops on the left — ? : “As time goes by, I’ve come to mar-
vel at the rosy dots on your breast : whadda you marvel at ?” :
“Just to be on the safe side, take seconds.” she replied learily;
all «Gusto sans Guilt»; (<and if by reason of strength» — She had
more=over meanwhile turnd her gaze (symballickly p’r’ aps, but
totally inhibited) to her <FLOW=MASTER>, (a benzine drawing pen,
 5 OONDOCKS @ 261

likewise 8=inches). / Tho next to the bed I had laid — mitigating

sircumstants I s’pose — the slate we’d found earlier; (plus a
milky stubb of a «stylus», good genuine white=gray software
from <antebellum> daze : that’d be a great habit to get into :
jot down one’s night=<thots> : wipe "em away come morning.
/ <Woman with Flow=Master : at last she was doffing her
panties !).
(But soo sloo=lee : Oh ye women !)./: “No need t’ chomp at the
bit like that. — If y’ can’t be more patient, then . . .”. (Just like
Her, damnit, never finishin’ her sentences ! : “Then what ?: y’
won't do=it ? Ever=again just on principull ? — Ohertha,
doesn’t your hole body want to take wing sometimes for the
very exxitement of it ?”). She first threw me a punitive glants,
a la <windo screens have ears !>. Then : “Toss the stove an-
other —”; and laught; and used — <Vicktry; great=vicktry : be-
hold its reddish glo !» (Piece 0’ cake : Her hole body was !) —
used my turn o’ fraze from=before — : “. . . toss it another
<sanwitch>. — Warm things up.”
(Now at leest She was nekkid : can’t women think a bit more
<odaliskly> on such occasions ? For a mere 20 minutes ? — I
knellt down before my murm’ring=reddish half : my hand in
thy white environs ! —)
The uplands of Her face; (while my hand — <The rite of the hand»
—dis=coverd | nippull, the outcropping Bonae Spei.) : the pic of
the nose. / Dubble caves. / The mouth=crater’s rim ringd red :
silver from thy mouth. (And into the tulippt gorge : biting my
time until the two gatherers of acacia pods wend their way
home !). / The plains of the brow. Along its headwaters ponds of
eyes lazing : shrubbry on steep banx. (Junipurr ? Twixt 2 freck-
led little=breasts ? And should the errows of land=scape now
merge with thy seducttions — — ——— )
And snapping at Her : “What’sthis ? !” — (and fingers ever on-
ward into the remoatest crannies of Her body : dammit, abandon
thy close-lippt patience; and kindly sweat a bit; until thou’st
made brown glass of thy=self — : “Hertha —”). / But — ohyes I
know — she was hard to win ! : Only now, at last, did She like-
wise open the drawer of Her mouth, tuckt full with reddest cloth
— (“Hertha=your lips ! — : ahhsweet, for those I'd lettem make
mince=meat of me...”. <To | goddess sublime I have pledged
my all> : “ahhmysweet ! !”)
“Karrl. Now be honest. — : Whaddyou think; of the <Tao> ?”
262 M ARNO SCHMIDT

—,—.—: “Of the Tao=Hertha ?.. .” (And wasn’t I reddy to be

swept off by litening just now ? Like that <neighbah lad» of
Heeta’s upon a day ? (Who I guarantee had just humpt her :
can’t fool me !). — But this=now, Mrs. Shandy couldn’t hold a
candle —.)
“Herr=tha ! —. — : Couldn’t you ’ve waited to ask me at the
moment of deepest=embrayss ? — : You can’t imagine how long
I’ve burnd for such an opportune moment to ventilate Chinease
metafizzix with you. — By the living GOd, who woulda thot it :
’m losin’ my ee=wrecktion ! — you Lunie.”; I added in ex=
haustion ...
“Aeh, we’ll fix that soonnuff —” She reposted flip=pantly; and
laid a hand toit—:-—?-:!!!-
: (and innto the Inn of Abii Mansir : there *twas narro & moist.
Nervy heads poked from all the walls; it distended & scented;
blissfull & large; the numb fire bustling & murrmring; green-
hued & heavy, like the corncakes of 46; crusty; and the moist
goldenbrown trickly sugar of those days; the candles, white &
naked & stiff & mute, jerkt & tosst their flaming heads, pointy
heads, always to l=discreet side; “*hhmysweet —”. (and of
noblemen’s sweat there was no end, nor should that be cause of
wonder : the heart’ll hold five years yet, by medicappraisal).
(And now She turnd valiant as well; all respurration=pump; and
latcht on with her legs; (unfortunately=as=allways, a little layte :
with the addition to the wave now of most enchanting itchlets,
all Hokusai, to most asperous spiritus *hhh=mysweet ! ! !). /
(And pullback : only decapitated frogs copulate with their part-
neresses to the end : And that I’m not ! I never forget Joyce’s
daughter !). / (And the womanly hand remaind faithfull to the
last; (and gray groaning “Hellppme —”.)..... )
And Shehellpt — the patterndrawing hand glistning with sirpent
foam; (<Wash=offf>; <Rinse=off>; <Dry off>, phollowd) — on (in
contrast to mine=now) elasstick legs, steppt over to our provi-
sions. Cut herself 1 slice of cheese with the shears : a knife
(strange to say, She did not think of my pants pockit — or rather,
quite understandable : enough, for now, of men’s=pants, and
what they conseal !) was not near at hand. / Chewd and mused. /
Stared dispassionately <into the distants>; (which could not
be seen at all; but She had a way of setting her eyes for <infin-
ity> —); askt the convenshunall question of the piece of meat,
there on=the=bed, attempting to recuperate : “Goodf’ you ?”.
 3 OONDOCKS HM 263

(You could’ve used my knife, easy nuff : just the 1 blade; and
the saw, <for ripping guts open», (as the salesman in Liineburg
told me in all confidunce — what had She said ’safternoon, in the
bramble=berrycade ? : <The annty=milliterrists have the longest
knives.» Oh my beloved : the milliterists’ are even longer ! /
(A propos <beloved> : Who was it had fed me the story that
a beloved of one Hermann Lons was still living in <Wien-
hausen Cloistery ? And once again, anntypathies & literary
histry got tangled up in my mind : nota bene : I have no use
for those <taking arms ’gainst England>. But biogruffy is
biogruffy . . .). —
“Oh=no=Hertha ! —”; earnestly angry with Her, of that I was
incapable; the joke ’d been too good for that : | thrice=hurld
curse of the ternal intelleckt ! / “While=you besat my body,
Hertha, my soul was riding back & forth twixt Pei=, Nan=, and
Tao=te=King. Not to mention Kin=ping=meh.” —
“Steer clear of the <TAo>, girl. : Stick with Groote Coffee.” / And
She, too — (altho She had once again not come : “Hertha=m’=
love : will you ever truly loosen up, just once ? — No m dear, I
really never take moren=two : Never=dear !”)...
And She kisst in the visinity of my rite ear. / (And used the half-
shell of a hardboild (rite) egg as an ashtray.) / And nibbled at the
<O> of a pentasegmented bar of Block chocklit — <B>, <L>, AO.
<K> — and chewd with nervous hunger; (a batchlorette=habit of
hers.) Also askt, (without wanting to know) : “Which side d’
you chew on ? Don’t think t’ answer.” (At present, the rite. But
it varies accoarse.)
Tao 2; “Oh my Tao=tledove !”. : “What a tao=tal poop you
are.” she promptly replied / “My 1 in a taosend ?” “<HE>’s
thrown in the tao=el.” / “Shall we drive off to the Tao=nus
Mountains ? And let ourselves be moved by the tao=ering
views ?—: Hertha: mite I call you my <affairette> just once ?” I
conclewded stormily. And she aloud it, after tasteful hesitation,
astaonded. / (Was that not someone pacing back & forth belo ?
With face of Auntee Heeta ?). (We furrod our brows some-
what.) —
Bed & shado’s; nails & dress; hat & candelite; (and the wind
bechafft similar sounds. — And at once she scratcht, vigorously,
her left shin with her heel. Atop the hairy blanket; seated.)
(And ’pairently, now en chemise, lost in thots of Silberschlogg ? :
Whairupon I dared lay an inconspickuous hand beside — not on,
264 M ARNO SCHMIDT

I trow ! — her distracted buttox; (which prumptly & menassingly

flincht : “Take them fingers away !” she wailed, irate & uneasy :
“You know very well, they’re poison now. — Didja put it in the
stove ? ‘long with the backterya ?” / I merely pointed mutely to
the columnar iron trunk, where soft whimperings had just begun
to stew : <LENAU : ANNA.» — But she only gave a wooden nod, of un-
educated=content. (<Back=teary=a> : can you imagine it !). —
“Couldn’t y’ have your folx=uptop busy ’mselves with such=
like ? — Consid’ring, as you’ve already indickated, they’ve go
so many bybles ?” —-——

<fulfilld=life>, came the bitter thot; meaning | in which I'd ’ve

been better off shov’ ling shit, as piece=work : for an extra /00=
dollars a month ? ! — (But what else was a person to do with his
time, really ? — decline <templum> ? — Nah: better to hie me off
afterall to the
reading room : the motto warnd rite off «WISDOM COMETH NOT
ALONE FROM MANY BOOKS>. (With further xamples of similar
profunditty : Hoyce=the=Gasbag manufacktured the things
on the ass=emblee line. — At first, some folx believed him, and
wisht to gro wise anal=fabetickly. Within a very short time,
however, were almost crazy with boredumb; and had subscribed
to the «more humane» adage : «THEY MAY THINK ME DUMB; BUT LET
ME READ !>). —
And there they all sat now; in their glass carrels along one side
of the room : at my glass leckturn; on it, a slate attacht by a
crude aloominum chain.....
(“You’re a beest — ” raspt Hertha; but so enthoosiastick, that I
took no umbridge — admiration has found different forms of
X=pression in different ages... ..
Ade 04 Many, indeed most (if not all) of them, would find comfort
in the fact that they would soon be able to write with long,
golden stylus=holders. / In the ajoining rooms, debating clubs;
sitting at glass round=tables .....

Ran sitting : on marr=bull trunkated sillynders; (with a little

dimple on top <shaped for the buttox», so the skullpter had
crowed — all the same, most people prefurrd to bring their own
<cushins> : an exact replickation in seement of their rear chassis;
people carryd °em around with them everywhere, a plate under
the arm.)
 FOONDOCKS M265

(And everyone in swimtrunx, or bikeeny : the day would come —

and when I cast an eye at Hannah Moore, not far off it seemd —
when we’d have to have establish seprutt reading hours for men
& women : she had practickly nothing left round=behind ! The
strappps holding her cups together could hardly be deepended
on; nor the T=briefs belo, either; (which for the most part had
vanisht twixt her cheex : the devasstation she wreakt already
exseeded stand=ards of pr’ priety; she strode as if thru a feeld of
mimosas ! (Id est : they let their wee branches swing downward,
do they not ?) —
(And goat=eed Anglicysts gave her, midst constunt, fully in-
volluntarry, licking of lips, the <sighentifick in=formation> she
desired .....: “Obbitsirt’nly, madamm : you couldn’t lift your
lashes=uh without shifting earth in its orebit.” And bleated
goateely : “Yesyes, tis amazing indeed : ha ha ha.” / So she
lifted those lashes with intresst. And shifted the heavenly
bawdies a bit in their orebits — even I scenst a soft gravytational
influx ? — <Belts fringed with GoLpD» : that was the solelution ! —
(<Beltso’fringe : fringabells> : how it purls ! : gildentintatinsel,
Spice=toarcloye=letame
(eS Beenul putter: o5 0) > eek
ee ao and I decided ’twas best to take my place in the <Book
House» : Head Librarian Lyell felt himself obliged to cast a
glans first, with emfazzys, at me, then over at the grandfather=
hour=glass ...? — (I was ready to fly off the handle. But instead
sat down silently at my windo; before my box of slate index
cards. — And up with the sash !) :
creo and they all came streaming over, the whole neightion,
(<A to K>) to me; and (<L to Zee») to Rawkins nextdoor. / And to
each we silently handed out his/her bibull; (and paid no atten-
sion to the muttrings; when, pro forma, we set our indexcards
rattling as if «checking to see». — And then, avec voix du bureau,
announsti=~ . ..«
* <STRANGERS WHEN WE MEET> ? : sorry, ’t’s been lent out. / <sECOND
ENDING» ? : being bound. / <BLACKBOARD JUNGLE» ? : sorry, not <in
the stax». / <A MATTER OF CONVICTION> ? : currently on <cultchral=
xchange» with the Russians : “They want something to read now
& then, too.” (Which was some, patriotic, comfort : sure : those
poor basturds wanna know, too, what a <pockit=book> looks
like : <Big medicine !> is what they’ll mutter. No=dowtuvit.)
(“Okay ’n’ what do they have in reality ?” — (I quickly gave the
266 M ARNO SCHMIDT

little gaudy question=slit 1 kiss. (Were those foggy=herbs

of 16 diff’ rent titles !. / Our «total holdings» came to, we men-

shuned it at every opportoonity — <numero rotundo> wun=
thousund. (: this the upshot of <Western Freedom». Which is
to say, the «Freedom of the Indy=vej=you=all;>; or just plain
<Freedom—in=Jenrullyi.. ae
(This time she askt nothing; just sat that there smilingstounded;
(and so crejulous, that I pluckt yet another foggy=herblet with
my lips. (But Her brow was furro’d, feather=lite. And I wasn’t
bout to riskit : 1am acowword......
: On the 1 hand, not only had they trimmd everyone’s hair, even
finger= and toe=nails, before the <crossing>; (not to menshun
laxatives. Naked & unconshus besides.) / On th’ other hand, as
far as your 425 point 4 grams of baggidge went.....
(“15 ountses : hush! :; you’re gonna get me offtrack.....
ae. you could bring along whatever y’ wanted; boox included. /
So each & ev’ry fammly — we were afterall a relitchous peeple !
— had pickt the ’xact same paperback edition of the so justly
beloved King Jaims Bibull : as a result of which we had, <Peese
with Freedom>, a total of 843 in the stax ! (Made y’ think of the
<Treety of Verdum> ev’ry time. «Made» : Freedom.) :
Shoulda punisht every | a those luna=tix ! Who hadn't taken
the matter in hand & set some rools : fewer wits than Noah on
his trip ! / (But all the same, they shot up a little organ, pipe by
pipe ! — Goodgod=goodgod : if only there’d been some level=

(And where <indivijewel inishative> proved lacking, our

<Lumbeck Cultcher> did the trick — (just like peeple us’t to
twaddle about <Linear-Incised-Pottery Culture>; or <Aunjetitz
Cultcher>) — : The ones who were sufficiently <godless>, had
grabbd the most recently proppagated best=seller from earth’s
Rocket=Ramp Newstand — and in consuckwents we could glory
in the onurship of 81 copies of <FROM HERE TO ETERNITY>. (Three=
quarters of which already consisted of loose pages : O horrible !
O horrible ! most horrible Lumbeck !)
The rest had come to us by way of : The New=Bury Liebrayry,
Shickaugeaux; and the largest rare=book deeler in Noo Yorrck :
Both had been directed, should the opportunity arise, <to pack
us some rare & valuable volumes»; and had doughtily fulfilld
 3 OONDOCKS @ 267

their task : never had a gov’ment paid such prices for such
moldy stock ! :
There was a «Het Lied van de Klock», from 1874; with hand-
written glosses from even earlier. / By some guy who had even
called himself <SAINT MARTIN», <Le Crocodile; ou la Guerre du
Bien et du Mal : Poeme Epico=Magique en CII Chants.» / (Or 2
German boox, that not a soul could decifer now — their erst-
while=owner, an ex=rocketeer, by the name of Brown, had
passt on in the meantime; he was well over 60 anyway. : Really
no point in my carrying those along t’morrow, too ! The Rus-
sians wouldn’t want them, that’s for sure !).
But despite all that, we were releasing the 8 volumes of a trans-
lated Livy today. — / And they streamed in; so that it was all I
could mannij to man=ipulate vol. 1 into George’s hands. (The
unlucky ones ’d just have to start with vol. 8. But it was pretty
muchev a muchness. In any case, a goodly number of folx ’d be
busy for months to come.)
: “So nobody took your Joyss along ? — And didn’t they ever try

copy ‘mung the Russians; : “Nix. : forma=list.” they’d xplaind.

/ And had given us, only mostmost relucktantly, & gruddjinly,
in exchange for a HAJJI BABA OF ISPHAHAN.... .
“Hey ! : Don’t you start in with your <literrary x=spurt=tease> :
know all about it !”; and pulled menassingly at her toes, which
she had laid, all ten of ’em, next to her butt atop the blanket.
(<Invent invent : thou shallt invent }>.....
Sarees and an ALICE IN WONDERLAND, | little Atlas; (with Cirrillick
superskriptions; to be sure. /Most ’murickans pracktickly poppt
their corx when they discovered the Soovyett=Yoonyun <de-
picted 3 times as larj»; and assoomed it was <propiganda>. — To
this=day, alotev ’em don’t believe that the USA=backthen was
in fackt <smaller> ? ? —) —
: “No. : The Compackt Encyclo=pee=deeya is not available for
jenrull sirckulation. Only for documented=scientific pur-
pusses.” (That’s what they really would’v loved to read : Riddle
of the Yankee=Heart : Dime=Store Minds !)
: “Lending Hour En=dudd — !”. — (And now just slamm the
sash !). /We liebray=rians had our meeting, as always. And be-
moaned «the sitchewation>, as always. / (On the wall — as a
fressco — the big die=agramm; a design of utter desperation : as
268 M ARNO SCHMIDT

ordinate the skwair of the number of boox; as abscissa the

loggawrithem of library=users — : the iffeckt was almost
tollrabble. /“’Zounds vellum & partchmint : you’ ve alreddy got
a carbun of the Lawrencian ep=pick ? !” — (wee had 2; I was to
take a thurd 1 with me t’morro. / “Won’t that open their eyes,
those Boll=shees !”; Lyell, smirrrking. /And Hoyce had written
a fore=word for it. And an after=word; (suuure : it’d be a long
time before he’d have that much payper at his d’spose=all
again !). And Hanley=here had prepaired an indecks in
triplycut. (No One had thot of me of coarse. Just everyone of
him=self. The SOBs.).).
(And we’re running outa <ribbuns>, too ?. — / And we nodded
titelippt. — / : “Don’t y’ think we outta go micks with the
commonfoke, huh ?”.. .
(1 skowl askants; 1 grummbled : “Toploftical !”. / She pulld a
bitta wacksy skin from her index=finger; and balld it thinny=
smooth. A sphereloid. Considurd briefly, and shoved it in her
mouth. And chewd in lite discusst. A long while. / Gave | soft
ruff yap. (Which <one» could tran=slate with no=difficullty as
<GO ON>.) : “And=thou, in rev’ree ’pon your pillo shoudst give=
me, prey, '/, an ear, okay ?”. — (<Yap>. — <Dormi ! Che vuoi tu
piu OP yeas
on kee and there, wouldn't y’ no, as always sat each sekt in its
special=cell, the usual bibull=studdy in full gear : the sta=
tisticle fantasee of those chronicleers, (who, no timid souls
they, had indeed <magnified> upon <Their=Pallesteena> — even
in the less fertill trax, a populaytion of 1800 purr skwair=mile
had uppairently been nothin’ unyuzh’ll !). /
Here : «Whether there were Antediloovian rainbows ?>......
(And my Lady o’ the Garret, clad in tites of lite & shado,
(floatinglamp=lite & haffbeam shado), gave a scornful laugh : !
/ A naked arm sprouted from Her. Grabbd the |&only apple,
and browt it to the sucktion=hole : sircumflowing eve=ficiency.
/ (From that spicy=smacking snoot : “Aha, not ineggsaustable
afterall. —’. — (Dares say that to me ? ! : Alrite; now you’re in

ee: here, on the left ? : the thesis was ad=vanst that Adam,
before the creation of woman, had gone in for a little sodomy :
Jennysis two, 23 : When he checkt Eve over for the first time,
he betrayed himself by letting it slip : “This time this one !”.
(To be sure, it was Hodgson, the Moreman, who used every
 3 OONDOCKS @ 269

opportunity, indeed searcht for them, to shock us Anglickans.

(Altho I do recall having found the hype=othesis suggested
somewhere before — I mean, so I’d got a good education.)
Here, chi=mere=us of the «<Pre=Adamites>. / There, <Red &
White Adams». / (Everywhere whimsies spun in p’cueliar
hours, and abbaddonic names without end.)
An argue=meant ? —/ One fello discoarst on his theory, (amid
bitter nods by his audients) : that the moon had orijinally been
<laid out as <Hell>. First, naught but fiery=gorges slagheaps
wastelands. Second, | special species of sinner could be settled
in each crater. (Hmm Hmm : <Dante>.) Whereas, thirdly, he
explaind the earth as the land of sojourn for certain English=
speaking saints. (And the audients nodded bitterly.) / (The
<argumeant> arose by the by, because Marshall, lazily chewin’
on his gumm, said “bull.” from time to time — every=body knew
o’ course that this desp’rate fello didn’t believe in anything : no
<’rijinall sin>, no <rezor=wrecktion of the flesh», nothing, abo-
slewtly nothing. — And so No One believed him, either.)
Jean Astruc ? —’Zounds Elohist & Yahwist; well, at least it kept
your vocabularry intackt; (the Moremens chewd away just as
viggrously on their Zarahemla & Liahona.) / But now this=here
was new even tome...
: <The Penuel=Saga — Jagob’s wrestling =match with the divin-
ity>. — (The term <wrestling=match> had lured an audience of
countless un=thotfull types). / The exejesus of <wrestling in
prayr> was old hat; but acoarse, you’d have trouble — normally —
throwin’ a thigh out of joint doing that. — Nosir; it was, without
question, a pure=bred Indian wrestle : at first, a tie; then the
familyar hand=chop to the ischiadikiss nerve. / But now Jaqob
had a tite grip on him : “First 1 effecktive, and I mean an A=]
magick=charm — then p’raps I'll let you go !”. (That marvellous
<I will not let thee go except thou bless me», so deeply moving
for cristchun readers; is uncontestybly read correctly : first, as a
crood=fyzzyckal <Lemme go>; and second, <blessing> has noth-
ing whatever to do with pious=spiritchewal matters, but rather
is a demand to be let in on some secret «Merseburg Charm» or
other.)
(And now it got int’resting, the discussion of that misteryous
<divine> opponent — Wilkins was absalutely brilliant at it; down-
rite thrilling !) —: difficult for it to ve been the «normal GOd>,
as we understand it; because :
270 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

a) he loses — (GOd=himself would’ve grabbed hold of Jaqob

b) he doesn’t even know Jaqob’s name — (GOd would’ve

known everything.)
c) he appears to have some ur=gent need to vanish with
the dawn — (whereas HE, GOd, usually comes sailing in
<on wings of the dawn>; and has no reason to be <lite=
shy>. =
Consequently : some sorta knockturnal divinity; who’s in the
habit of lying in wait at the ford of the Jabok; attackts the
unsuspeckting wanderer; and makes a life & death struggall of
it — : p’r’aps <the numen of the river». (At the word <numen>
sundry sholders shruggd helplessly. — Sure; but then I had a
good education.) / And here came the plethora of hyperhazard-
ous <parallel passages» : Exopus four : 24 to 26; where Yahweh
waylays Moses and tries to kill him ! / The GOd=head sets
many an ambush — HosEA 13:7; ISAIAH 8:14 ff. — like a beast 0”
pray attacking passersby : “ancient cruel traits, which to some
extent are then later transfurrd to the devil.” (Curious thing-
umabob, this bibull !).
: <Yahweh as fire demon; orig’nally the local god of the Sinai
volcano» ? ! —: but I’d about had enuff.....
(Setsyourheadshakin’, don’t it ? : ‘ve I got your pertty mouth
hanging ajar at last ? : “Will you, now & in all guyses, take back
the charge that I never have ’nything new to offer you ? !” / She
nodded. Mouthlet ajar, as noted. / And so dummfounded by
what she’d heard; and so busy processing it that for quite a nice
long=time I was able to <milk> her — (that’s Silesian for <mas-
sage, knead, plump pillows & balls 0’ woob : Mmmmnoahhbhh !)
— before she let out a roar and batted at me. / And even then,

(And most curious : how often the little word <GOLD> has been let
drop allround ! — Going by I what I was hearing, those old Jews
did some serious dabbling with the stuff. And in Yerushalem,
would GOd I were in thee,
(“Hertha —”’)
allsortsa terms revolv’d around cold hard cash. / There was
<Zahab>; <Koetem>. <Harus»=chrysos. <Paz> & <Ophir &
<Boeser>. (Plus a whole raft of other x=pressions, about which
the theologeans, dime a dozen, were not agreed; but they all had
something to do with GoLp!).
 # OONDOCKS @ 271

P’r’aps y’ could learn the tecknology of smelting and forging

and alloying direcktly from this Ol’ Testyment : <saraf & zik-
kakk> ? — Suure : minting gold coins would be the top=priority :
sents of security; <stabull currensee>. (Lookathat : they had had
<ring=shaped> ingots, those Hebrews; most int’resting.) (And
clever, our revvrend=here : always keeping up with the times;
always open-minded. Even if he was probably more consirnd
with his «tithes in gold>. — And it was suspicious how often he
mentioned the <hi priest’s golden jewelry>.)
(Well just let Marshall start in again with his blassfemy : that
chrissendom is <obsaleet>, or <outa touch» and the like : has he
got it wrong ! —/ (And that <jewel of gold>, proverBs 11:21, like
a ring in a swine’s snout ? ! — : curious thingumabob, this
bibull.)
“Hey —: is that true ? !”; Hertha, most x=ited : “Just pickture
that : what could be more charmin’ than a pretty Arrab miss
with a ring in her nose ? More thousand & 1 nightyish ?”. And,
shaken by the crewdity of the translation : “Pff, the way they
lead us round by the nose. —’ (My wide-ranging question,
whether she had ever heard | untruth from my mouth, had best
not been askt. : “That’s a horse of a very diffrent color.” she
retorted soberly. va
Oh Pea ‘cause this Moreman here — (“Ah, Wheeler : 1see You !’)
— was preachin’ too, to make the pullpit tremble : 1 stew-
pendous=passter ! (They did indeed have the oreators !). / And
he was workin’ the gold mines t’day, too : how the people of
Limhi had renderd tribute in gold. / The currency=tables in the
Book of ALMA, 11=5, and so on: <Senine, Seon, Shum, Limnah.»
<Antion>, too; aha. / 2nd NEpHI, 5=15, says there’s something
there about refining ? — Make a note of it.
’nanycase nothin’ but GoLp today : “HE is inscrewtable : Praise
HIM !” (We stood up, and praisd — I have t’ attend church regu-
larly, as a member of Congress. To set a good xampull : our
cultcher is afterall younited=chistchen=oxxidental : otherwise
nobody’d vote for me.) / By the way — : wasn’t that a defunate
defishency in Lawrence’s epick ? : There was damn little about
chrissendum in it ! (To be sure; «Cardinal Spellman> had been
mentiond. And <The Good Book» once, too. — All the same, if
need arose one could pick a hole there. In case the waves of
enthooziasm swelld all too hi. (By the by, I almost always went
to morning sirvasses; they were the shortest. (Not that I have
272 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

’nything against relijun; by no means; | am a Member of Con-

eressaiter alien oe.
(I’d been quicker with invenshuns t’ ward the end, wilder, too.
Cause there She sat again now; gnawing the skin from her
fingertops, in tiny shavins, (till it hurt too much; sometimes
she’d even bleed a bit. At one point, when I tried to give Her a
caress, she splayed those hands and pokt me away with ’em.) /
Now she gave a joyless laugh; and shook her head : “Never get
bored round you.” And laft again thru her nose. : “Noteven on
the moon — pfff.” Stretcht her arms; (pushing=her bosom out
siggnifficantly — and was allreddy shaking Her head, at my
hungry eyes; but couldn’t pull away again, Her spine was bent
that far back, gaped Her jaw wide, and could mannij only a
headshake. / But once She had collappst back into herself, <«dud-
geon> seemed point=less. Specially since I, as if on cummand,
was now staring vapid as a lamm. And so She contented herself
with | more little left=rite of the head. (: “Well done, Hertha :
<Saves breath» !”’). —
Nother peek out the windo ? — “First pufff out | a the lites.”
(That way we see better; ’nd people can’t see us so good :
whata=virtuosa !). / “But I’m gonna rapp you up in a blankit;
seems t’ me y’ still look like y’ mite.” (Supply <be catchin’ the
sniffulls>.) And so I rolled up the critter-’n-questchun — “Arms
down at your=sides !” — tite & firm, a horsehare mummy. (She
became awear of the danger only after it was too late, and I
had violated mouth ears nose a few times; and the red ball
womaneuvered helplessly, neckjoint giving 1 crack; when She
maid to bello, I went <tendher and kisst her eyes, till She thot it
was alloveryes’tswhatyouthinkmylove : and back in again.....
(until the world whirld before Her eyes, shameragexhaustion-
ohyes; (and yet lovely some=how, rite ? — And so ancther atom-
splitting clygh=max : ! ! !). / And took the long bundall to my
breast; in the double=ring of two strong arms; (and make hands
to lie all large=palmd, sooo; naught but <Security Holding Trust
& Coo» : sooo — —.) /—. —
She crammd her face onto my sholder. But first made provi-
sion for some air. And long, (postprandial ?), silence. / Pleasure
was all mine. / (Just goes to prove : bold & sassy is always best;
I'd been much too shy all my life. (And now Her maiden=pride
would forse Her to do some pro forma scolding. (And over her
shoalder now the carryvan of stars : the trillionfold wanton sport
 3 OONDOCKS @ 273

Of space.) /iAna theres ihereit- comes. 2

“Don’t y’ see... .”; with faltring voice; (and real tears ? ? —
*Zounds rue & remorse ! — : “O Hertha ——”. / And a very=soft
whimmper, sly & sulky — : now She’d taken me in ! (And, in all
superfluidy, the tip of her tung from that enchanting grimass :
her nose sticking up out of the enCircelling wrinkles like a stone
tosst in water, and so on. And the inelucktable sound, rhyming
with <nnyaa=nnyaa>.)
But now once again, equal parts calm & hopeless, : “Sometime
you’re gonna break it rite off — sirve y’ rite.” (Pointed question
in reply : “<1T> ?”. Peevish : “My head.” More=pointed : “Your
head ?”. (Me, then, all merry lecherry. She honor=able, squea-
mish indignation.)
: “They oughta hand out boox like that to all hawymminkind :
Where it’s all spelld=out; what t’ do when a man wraps y’ up in
a blankit.” : “And no younglady’d be caught without a blankit-
under-her-arm when headin’ off to a randyvoo : is that what y’
mean, sweetheart ?” / She tosst her little head : ! (I’ve seen
film=princesses toss it like that.) And brought her rite shoulder
forward in sync : ? (Couldn’t see that quite as well, causa the
heavy blankit. All the same : for someone who had the shoul-
ders in hand... ?)
Commanded : “Let me be wrappt titer ! —: And lead me to yon
slanting dormer.” (Thus I wrappt. And led : rev’rently; the
compleat escudero : because her huwymminkind just now was
good. — Also) : “No. Please : Gaspipe.” (Y’ can learn a smatterin’
of Silesian just with a Sleeping Dick=shinnary. )
((And how that female could «stride». Tho she could move only
those long freckled feet. : I’d never seen even a diva stride like
that | (Seein’ as how I’d never had the chants to wrap | in a
blankit. Not to mention, un=wrapp : wonder if <diva> doesn’t
come from <divan> ? —)).
The evenin’ star comes; looks; moves on ? : “Would appear
what we’re dealing with here is more like Beta Orionis,
m’sweet.” / —. — / : “In town the best y’ can do is peep in
people’s windas — : here it’s really got some purpose.” (The
tell=a=scoap, she meant.) / “If sound waves could reach us from
Joo=piturr — and th’ other stars. And if it were bells : we'd wan-
der among deathknells tolling endlessly. —” (She loved, ’tis the
wont of females, such Youngian nite=thots : ergo I regularly=
solummly persented her, ’tis the ruse of males, with reflecktions
274 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

of this sort. (Altho it’s really no business of us hue=men types :

the set=up for us hue=men sorts is so lousy, in every way, that
we oughta have other worries | / And supiTeR is dancing in the
spyglass held loosely in your hand ? : “In your honor, myn eyse.
—I made the ’rangements.” it struck me to add. / But “Me too ?
Now ?”. “Rite here.” she firmly confirmed. Watcht most critickly
my 2 listless=crude gambols. Then, turning away again now :
“So that’s all y’ can manage then, in my=honor.”)
And so both at the window : female=wont & male=ruse. / The
one=crop skwair of stars : in its wiry pale, in its barbd
barrikade. — : “Y’enjoyin your <r’ laxin’=vacation> on the moon,
honey ?”. — Atop the uprite blankit=roll, the head weaved, just
once. “Well; <enjoy>” it replied slo’ly, “enjoy is prob’ly not
quite the rite word.” And another head=weave. Then : “Ask me
somethin’ easier.”
: “D’y’love me ?”. (And at once another pendulaytion : “’nd
you call that easier ?”.....
re: so better head on home. / To George : “What's with this
<PSALM hundrid=fore> ? Y’ lookt it up, too.” — He shruggd : “<HE
appointed the moon for seasons . . .» : 1 stoppt rite there. — ‘ve
you alreddy fired your shot by the way ?” (War Seckretary
O’ Stritch had managed to push thru a reg requiring every=1 to
fire 1 shot every=month with a machine=gun — as a matter of
principull I aimed for the spotter’s bunker; and/or just to the
left=to’ ard the traverse — and the good seckcretairy almost went
crayzy every time : nothing so disturbs someone’s trankwillity
as attax on his cystumm !).
(But Joorj seemed strangely dis=trackted) : “You know
“nything ’bout a <THALLASIUS>, Charr=lee ? — You went t’ a pri-
vate hi=school.” (Now why’d the bastard browt that=up ? —
Damn. — And my fingers counted augustly . . .) : “— hmm=
THALASSA : personnyfickation of the Medit’ranyun; daughter of
Aether and Hemera ?” (But he shook his head.) / “<THALASSAIA> :
cog=nomen of Affrodighty. Sometimes an in=d’pendunt sea
goddess ?” (But he shook his head. — Just tryin’ t? win some
time now . .) : “<THALATTA : THALES : THALESTRIS=the=moon-
goddass maybe ?” (But Joorj shook his head. Uncommonly
far=away. — Well, let him be.)
(Better off thinkin’=thru the possibility : and was this not a thot
— why, almost an idea ! — : of printing the newspaper on soft=
thick gold stencils ? With naked type : now that our ribbons ’re
 EB OONDOCKS M@ 275

running out. : <OUR GOLDEN HERALD»; Coddecks Au=ree=us : why

shouldn’t it work ?/ But he wasn’t list’ning to me now : “Ran
across sumpin’ readin’ . . .” he muttered several times. (Had to
be the Livy, rite ? Were there such int’ resting passages in that ?
I could not remember, really; au contraire; it’d always bored me
so, like some Nobel Prize winners —). —
(And <AT HOME>; in «FATHER’S HOUSE> —
(She grinnd rite off, mono=s’ labick, and semi=sweet .. .
et cee at ev’nin snax : “Charr=lee, just imagine : eatin’ outeva
massive=golden bowl ?—: !”. (And, wouldja blieve it, dunkt his
aloominumb=spoon more v’lupptuously in his pap: I would
never=ever ’ve thot that’d help ! I’m just an old rashinallist;
I never fall for that sorta thing.)
(What a bowl likethat ’d cost ?): “Well, Joorj —”. (And out with
the lo’er lipp; and x=amine the gizzmo. He got out his rule; and
we held it up to it here’n’there). / “Wellnow : 8 intsches in
diamutter cross the bottum. Treat it as a sircull, arr skwair pie ?
And must be at least a fifth of an intch=thick, if I’m any judge
atall ...: makes 10 cuebick intches for the base=alone !” (Now
the eddj) : “Pic=ture : a cut to open it=here, along the side ? And
roll it out, okay ?”. (He picktured it; and nodded viggrously.) :
“..’d give you a strip 25 intches long. 3 wide. And again a
fifth=thick;; makes=uh...: 15.—: Alt’ gether then, 25 cuebick
intches.”
(And pause. He wasn’t even thinking of the consekwentces; the
road to hell ’nd soforth.)
Now, just need the specifick gravitty; round 19... ?”. And I
made mock’ry of him thru my nose : “That’d come to about 15
lbs=friend ! — So figger out for yourself : if the price stays at 750
dollars a pound — : you'll have to save for a good coupla
months, Ammeego.”
At my side as well, 1 mocking x=pulsion of nasall air. (And now
the wind came piping across the rooftaisles; and took it up :
sniffing it with weak cokettry; like a dead adolesscent, doomed
to walk the earth.) / Once again she pertly lifted the tip of the
tube to the stars. / (“So you can cry whenever y’ like ?” : “A
woman has t’ be able to do that.” she replied coolly. “That be-
longs in the book of information for young hu=gentle=mans,
don’t y think ?” : “Quite probably.” (And eaves=droppt on the
whisp’ring airs : on all sides.....
Htawe on all sides they were busy calckulating; and arguing
276 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

sotto=voce : ollady Saunderson demanded 2 pointed gold

sax for her breasts : He could just go out and put in an extra
2 hours of overtime chislin’ : “It’d only do you=good, Billie-
billies aera:
(She had turnd paler. And was squatting on the chamber=pot :
we’re eager to suck up the odor of flower gen=itals : couldn’t
Ours beiracnunt toon a.
ete on tother side they were discussing <1 GOLDEN Chamber=
Potxecieae
(but Hertha hisst — belo — softly. And let out a shrewish screech
above : “Don’=look !” / And was still doing the splits atop the
pot; <CHAMBER=MUSIC>; (altho the annuckdote is not true
Stanislaus Joyce disputes it; and his testymoany weighs as
much as 6 Gormans. :
: Nothin’ finer than a contented populess. / : ““C’ mon Joorg : We
need some sleep too.....
: “Designer of patterns : Thy palm !”. “Yep; put it to bed.”
Then I resieved the little cold dragon flesh of Her fingers; she
entrusted me with its m’leckular structure. Then the lathwork
arms : long, whitemoist, thin. Not saying a word she let herself
be put to bed.
Then put me too : Her leg slept at my side. My feet felt cold
ankuls. / With the back of my hand, Ice, sidelong, brushing
down past the breastworx. (1 eye closed : and t’other contra-
dicted and besquinted the mountains of my=own face. — ? —:
Nah. : Hers is better —)
(But here too : the vaultings of the ear do collapse now; the
ponds of eyes dry out; I chose to blow=out the last flame. — :
“So; sleep now, if your conscients’ll let you.” / (“Mine ? :
Pfff ! —” huskt the disdeignfull voice..... )y.
((In the oubliette of the nite : Like grummbles came the sound,
pawsing, from our drowsing bodies. Tummytones. / Her heart
clockworkt. / Mybrain rammbulld like printed matter : a wind=
mill, the inside wainscoated with mirrors. (And everything flew
gently ajumble, like at Shagall’s; (the <background> seemed
everywhere to be the pale meadoyello of ’safternoon; wind
carresst; sometimes circular spots would stirr within, like out-
lines of trees. / “Same with=me, too : I'd never seen a deer=
running=free before now. And never toucht a cow.” (But with
less bitterniss than murm’ring ease; wee=willie=nitegown.
(Afterall, even Karl May’s was first Gul=i=Shiraz; then Pekala;
 BOONDOCKS @ 277

then beast & witch, just as per Leopold Stein’s defunition.

(And hoverd gently above the graygreen background; deer, and
cows f’ralllcare; once as a lad during a cold=snap, I saw horse
manure frozen yello-white gainst a gray sandy path : unforgetta-
bly beautiful, that fine-graind pale yello-on-gray : lookathat,
bookdealer Balder daddyprints, brassweights, bookbindings
Noah’ sark lemures’taters (and maidens naked not=dantsing in
the disstrickt air, and stars flesht little sparks of gnashing teeth,
(gowngown; stirring there yetagain, linene on a fustian sea,
from headtoshoulder hip to toe, and tunging semibabble into the
almoshut ear, “Gown and tailor tinker beggarman lazybutt”
(and snorkle off, into the caspiandrowsea : rrrrrrrmmrv. . . . . :
CUCCCCCUL Cen eee nechere

))) And started up out of bed.)) And the joggling of whim-

perstammers — : ! (I’m rite there; the moment a pin drops in the
nite !— they grew louder and louder —/: “Hertha. —: Hertha ! !”
— (Quite brutal. And groping away now with my free=left for
the flashlite and snap it on; so that She can see lite. But don’t
shine it direcktly at her . . : “Heh=Hertha !” —
Face widened with fear. The white teeth chattering in her pale
mouth : it gaspt. / And I shook. —/ Until at last she tried to free
an arm with her other limp paw — and so the start of orientizing.
/ To be on the safe side, I had her stand up at once; and all dis-
figured by cold and fear endured, she staggerd for the chamber
pot, and hisst down into it; and above, so much afflicktion in 1
white face; (and in conclusion let 1 brite & sobbing fart; and
sweet is every sound, sweeter thy voice : but ev’ry sound is
sweet) : and thus gusty=handed have I sweetly wound thee in
this shawl. She stood tall, shaggy=handed, the feechers of her
exhausted face hanging silently about in the nite.
“They had me making p’tato flour again. The Poles.” — / (I
know. — Other than that nothing had <happened> to her; at age
16, in 1945, she had been as small & thin & anemic as a
ten-year-old. Except that as she was switchin’ westward, a
Pole=star, greedy for brayslutts & rings, had stuck a middle
finger up her undernurrishment — she’d never forget what
Rappatski ’d done ! (On the 1 hand quite ritely so. On th’ other,
278 M ARNO SCHMIDT

of course, that plan of his was. . .)

Meanwhile — i.e. while I thot <thots> of little use — she pickt
up peatlogs; using a paper; (Kleen=X=Tishoo ? — p’fecktly
poss’ bull). Tosst them clumsilly into the protesting stove. And
closed the Iron Gate. (Whereupon, and relatively promptly, the
fire went out of course. — She just shruggd.) / (Thru her tears,
evrything was probably swollen & tottering; she presst her
hand to her <wormy nest» — as she was wont, when down in the
dumps, to dub her, nonetheless ravishing, hippo=kondriax; cer-
tainly can be regarded in sev’ral ways; including, to be sure, as
long wrinkly animulls; forced to gyre & gimbel, slowly, digest-
ing for us down there : They must be fed up, too. —I mean, it can
regarded in this lite : the undersigned.)
(But first some comforting of the white=cloakt creature; till it
feels <secure> again. — And so I held up the xpensive color=shot,
(mygoodsir : cost me nigh onto 100 marx; at AGFA’s !), beside
her greencheese face. Silent & greasy. And kisst Both, adoring
& alternating. Till they lookt like 1 another again. / She askt,
still very much <’mong Poles», and therefore suspicishus:
“True=true ?”. The way one asks on rarest and finest autumn
nites (<rarestfinesttumnalnites> : At your back you could liter-
ally feel the glittering wheel of nite, and the white fingernail of
the moon : ’zounds Joust & Mélée !)
What’s all this ’zounding you’re doing of late ?”; my misstrust-
ful red=beauty; (and, indeed : I could fee/ it in the middluv my
back, like the gaze of some unwise astral body !) : “Hertha — :
Must I confess to you ? —” (I must : herey’are=pleez.)
“Y’see, my mem’ry’s slo’ly peterin’ out. — ’mong other things —”
I added, coaxing : ? : She didn’t contradickt; (so it was true; I
glummly let my eyes rove and phall; ahwell.) “And=so I came
up with the notion : to keep track of conseppts in pairs from
here on out — ?”. She just went on mutt’ring : thinkycanpull-
myleg ?!
“°*Zounds Zanntippy & Agnes Diirer ! : D’you want, from
here on out, & for ever=more, to be the third in that trio ? — Or
shall it one day be said . . .” (and now allhot, v’lupptuous,
hymnick; and send fingertipps tongueing like hell=ev’rywhere) :
“...: ’Zounds Veenis & Theunert=Hertha, Hmmmmm !”.
(Now choose, thou taxidermata !)
The Slenderette — (“Mine ? !”)— simply commanded : “Lites out !”
/ (And close the eyes. And obediently wait until everything has
 # OONDOCKS m 279

ajjusted. — She had long since, tho I'd not said a word, splatterd
her endless feet with moonlite; now she shoved up the sash, set-
ting the white cheek jangling within : silent & greasy were the
roofs=outside.) / She shudderd a command : ?. And the page
hied himself off at once; prodoost the blankit; stroaking every-
where, as is the wont of pages. (Also altared my anatummy : as
is the wont of pages ! She coolly checkt the results; as is the
wont of queens : “That’s fittin’ enuff, too —”.) And then turnd
for good’n’all to the nite. / (Wait : 1 brow=dowt more; a la <Do
we dare alreddy ?>...
“3 thirty ay=emm, love. — And rather than give ourselves back
to dreems : ? : Mite just as well stay=up. .” She nodded
p’mission. And sircumtended by hands — and I did my best, as if
I was possesst of as many of them as the Gotha has volyooms;
(in addition to which, now what’s that calld in Hindustani : the
thing the mahout uses to guyde his beast ?) — she let herself be
led=about the room, (in the interim, my proficiency grew
incomprehensilably : 8 Cal’nburgian intches at least !); till
she giggled brite, and let me playce her before the deepdark
windo.
ae ny hee /...:1...:2 “Oh=look, y’ can see the milky=way ! —”.
(Your typpicull metro=pollytanette. But verily the skies did
quiver & shake with stellarization.) / Hung up there like ark=
lamps : Procyon to the left; M’seur Seery=us to the rite.
“Ahlookiethere : !” —: “Veenis in the morning sky, my child :
Veenis & Theunert=Hertha.” Eastsoutheast and nawt but yello
sparklets : y’ don’t see that in Nordhorn, not with the FALK=
worx, y’ don’t : three=thirty : “The village, too, is full of dreams
yet.” (Piles of shado’s, and jag=sawed moonlite : the yard,
Auntee Heeta’s yard, lay full of it. / And all the whyle I was
<page=ing>; ‘tis not all=my fault, I *nhairutted it. And gave
more pressure, till the head glissend : “Hertha —’. But she, the
sinnosure of princesses, deignd not so much as | paltry glans at
the misery of her peepull : it was the moon’s <turn> now.)
(To be sure, it was gliding by close=enuff to the ground : that
grew moist round about it; on across the pasty land. — (And the
<moist’ ning» quite obvious rite ? <Round about 1m : wonder if I
don’t have hemm’ roids <round about it» ?) — The stenograffick
stroke of the moon; (let’s go back to <«moonin’>, okay ?).
Moon on a mother’o’pearl platter. / “A nuzzle that’s spraying
threads of lite.” Sure as shootin’, my born textillian. (One could
280 M ARNO SCHMIDT

likewise justify <nozzle> p’r’aps; but naturally <nuzzle> had a

more organic softly=vawlted quallitty, <nippled> it in the bud;
alrite <nuzzle>, fine.) / 1 goldmaskt being with sinnosure lips :
“Say that : <sinnosure lips» —’. She did so. (I purst mine; and
was alloud a deft dot on each «i> : ! : !. — The stars meanwhile
waited in their tents.)
The cedille of the mooon ? —(T’nite ’tanyrate; but normally it’s
lite=paunch was too fat for that.) / Wisp’o’bast. / Bowleggd.
Well=gibboust. Naked. — : “Riggling torso ?” : “Nah. More like :
A decapitated head loppt off too close. — Dickens, who watcht
it once, reports that <the neck vanishes>.” (And she shudderd
with Ist=class artistry, and delivurrd an eminently suxxesfull
stage=“brrrr’’.)
“Nested on moist meado.” (There’s that «moist» again !). / “The
simmbaal of the moon. Raggedytaggle.” Hertha; a la <Once I
saw 3 gypsies.) : “I'd go more for : peanut shell. Bubble o’
smoke. Brazen gate & bony shine; melting cocoabutter.” (Fur-
ther debate, whether <ferrous> and <osseous> mite not be <more
propriate» ? And learned doubting; and rocking of responsable
heads; ...)
Jammd between trees : The mooon=o’ course. (And obtrusive,
like a farmer’s face at the windo : “When y’ get down to it, I
can tailor a moon out of any old bathsponge.”). / (But she
wanted more elevated frazes. — “Moonbreak — ?” : “Nah; that’s
weakkneed.” she objected. Here, at last. — : “Ice ellips with
circumsleeping tangents — ?”; (but she wanted nothing to do
with <«mathmatix>; wrencht a dispairaging=mouth .. .
: “°t’s about t’ make a mocking red mouth : clouds blot it out at
wunts; with black hands. And take it away.” (I graspt for the
splotch that held her wrencht, mocking mouth : with black-
hands. Made a cloud of my face. And <blotted> it out. For a good
cuppla minutes. (Outside, just here & there now, the ongoing
tarantella of the stars. More black=white con=flickt in the heav-
ens.)).
“Whyyy ts it y’ set such store by moldy mathmatix=hmm ?” :
“Because it knows no seckts, my dear. No possibility for <par-
ties»; and «belief» is put in its place.” (And for greater effekt,
made 2 splendid spear=shado’s of my arms.) / It reappeered :
the chic=slim dangling titt of the moon; (Veryation : <leathery
ollady=... ?). The shadows of bushes=b’lo played tag with the
reemer=gent glo. It sawed away, and set clouddust spewing. (Or
 #, OONDOCKS @ 281

were they too vaprous=large for that mettafore ? “I'd say : usin’
"em to puff cottonballs.”; b’ golly, she was rite.)
Floated thru the mist like a shiny toy bow : scrawny, isolated,
wide=open, incongruous (as a sunlit overcoat; empty as a ring
with no finger; absurd as a dial with no hands) : nawt but yeller
myassma : myassma, yessir. (‘parently the term was not to its
liking : it bared sharper, more denticulate teeth.)
“Wake ’em uptop too : nobody shows ‘ny consideration for us
at the FALK=worx either.” (Now that’s what I call overcoming
the nite=mare ! She lifted those red sholders verry coolly; and
with the peremptory tip of her nose pointed, up to where the
wrack of golden antlers stuck out of the clouds : There=there
I would go with Thee. / And even I found it difficullt in fact
to orient myself in spayce at this unaccusstomd hour. — All
those pinprix of stars. “Looks like all hell’s broke loose in the
eckliptick !’”)
“But as you wish, my good Herr Tah. . .” (And up, into those
sircullure castles.....
Mee tae: And up ! (Out of not=untasty dreams of a Whuronic
reddhedd, short of hair, but long of merrymeant . .
(Fervent : “Herthamine, mite I — at this ’propriate spot — pro-
vide some description of you ?” / But the term <Whuronic> had
not pleased her; (tho my sole intension, ‘“‘as sincere, Hertha, as
my present dismay !” had been to provide some Indiannette flair
that hightend the oh=goo : “Airrows from afar, darling —”. And,
eagerly xplaning, demonstrating infackt, was about to grab 1
hemisfearlet as x=hibit A — (but, pff=mygod, my most=willing
fingers bounst off her horsehair armor; p’tickularly since she
was also peckering away with chin & nose) — : “Oh beggyer
pardon... !” (And tho the in=dig=nation did not suxseed : the
indignation fyoomd & boomd as full & genuwhine as the joy of
Edenhall: so that, tho she riskt 1 “psst”, out of consideration for
the delicut sleep of farmers who lay roundabout, she neverthe-
less gave me the ruefull and rellutiv quick nod for a
Wyandottick child — that had just pusht up against me; (pusht up
against me again, ooffff !). And lustilly bit my nose; as is the
wont of Wyandotts & Leghorns . . .)
: “Up’n’atumm Charr=lee !.. .” — And Joorj was still hold-
ing my nose between jiggling fingers, "zounds greengages &
Celler thickstems ! And the “rise=o=rise” from the loudspeaker
wouldn’t stop : the annowntser’s voice, all motherly cuntsurn,
282 M ARNO SCHMIDT

flooded in at chest=hite, with the «morning lesson :

‘He who would depart his old home, takes care that he
may have a new one — : Wilt Thou, when thou diest,
have a heavenly mansion prepared for thee ?”
: Bong=ng=ng=ng.
And we just stared mutely at our <heav’nly mansion» one
more time, mouths purst in disgust : If Lawrence didn’t write
such brillyunt eppix — these <lessons> and «midday calls» of his
screamed for vengents ! —
And watcht me enviously, how I wasn’t washing today, (While
he, with the help of sev’rull fist-sized pummice=stone=clumps
— one of the few articles of which we not only suffurd no lack;
but which we could even have exported to 2 or 3 other planetary
systems, and at a very fair price ! — while George then, whim-
pering, removed major pore=tions of his epidermiss, I confined
myself, humming, to...
“on
. <There’s a tavern in the town : there my truelove sits him
down — to donning my swimtrunx; t’day, for once, they weren’t
outa place. (But <don> was a pretty hiphallootin’ verb : for a bit
of tuggin’ up ?/: “Fare thee well, for I must leave thee : tumtum
tatum tatum tatum”’. And a coupla times thru my hair with my
aloominumb comb : “Dada=deedel dada=diddle dapp : dapp :
dapp -
: “Faretheewell, my truelove !” — (And George joined me as far
as Congress Hall out of pure envy. — While I, most humane of
humans, ...
: “What’re you noddin’ for ? — You rap= and dapp=scallion=
you ?!—Irepeat:...
— : I! — comforted him, too, to the besta my abillity. / :
“Intressting ? : Holyholyhole ! — Just stop’n’think, Joorj :
They shoot y’ off, to MARE cristUM. Act 1, room; sek’nt act,
room; thurd act, room. Enter 2 ’nterprutters : the first says
<Wrasspyootin’> and <Kremmlyn> ? The other one replys :
<Nono : Billy Grayhum & Kappittle !».— Then the Courier of the
Zarr hands you his briefcase. And you give him yours. He says
<byvaytye sdarévy> or the like; and you reply politely — y’don’t
dare leave yourself open, even with Russians — so you say :
<Kiss my —> and nod obligingly. — Okay, and then they shoot y’
back again.”
“Huh-uh, Joorj : envy ? —”, I concluded, as lugoobriusly as
 BOONDOCKS Ml 283

possible; and shook my head bravely, too. (<Over there : over

there aa)
: “Granted, Joorj : 1 messenger did disappeer for 3 days
once...
(And I, very nimble, sidelong glants : ? : The little mouth wide
ajar; hers, and the moon’s; (whereas the stars had retreated out
to the edges; and the naked, deepfrozen mouth shivverhovverd
guess=questions; a brow checkered with expecktancy ...
... allthesame. —” : “’t’s the point : <all=the=same>.” he said
glumly : “Y’ can’t forget the instant=bath, with real soap=
sudds. Shav’nahaircutt. — Then the hi=proteen breckfust ! : So
y’ don’t turn lily-white with hunger when that currier a theirs
smells of fresh=fryd liver.”; and lickt the pumiss from his
chappt lips.....
(I gave Her the volupptuous vawlted soft= & smooth=ness of
my own to taste —: now that’s sumpin’, ain’t it?! / But she set
her head back a frack=shun, (as only women can); and warrpt
her mouth slitely : as only women can. : “Reddy for the BRAUN,”
she said drily. That to me ? !
: “Are you notfamiliar with the fact that, by ancient Saxin’ law,
if a man kisses you — anywhere ! : a sore spot must appear there
at once, or at the very least a brooze ? : Otherwise he’s no man !”.
But she, hawtilly : “Of late /’ve been more partial to Russkaya
Pravda; y’ tawt me yourself. — <Yarro=slaff> : <of Noff=garott> —”
she murmurred dreamily. : “So that’s what you wanta be called,
huh ? : <Madmwazell de Novgorod>.” Intressted mouthpucker,
eyewiden, headtilt ? (And then viggrous nodding; out of spite;
for a long time.)
: “Get kidnappt for 3 days ? —’; George; viggrous, spiteful, fora
long time : “’d be a change o’ seen at least !”. Laid (dissupplind
self=shackler; to prevent himself from committing mis= and
other deeds) both hands behind his back. And strode off=to
<where the slater’s workshop stands». While simpathetick me —
most humane of humans — watcht him go for a goodlong time.
But then betook myself
to the Congress Hall : — : In session already ? / («Without me> ?
Nobody had informed me ? — : Because I had to head off as a
messenger rite away ?/ All the same, seemd to me there was lite
embarrassment written on all=those faces..... )
(Topick of the moment, Lawrence & his great epick. And Presi-
dent Mumford was making quite a nice speech) : How happy he
284 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

was that “in our very midst; here in the seemingly sterile
waistlands of the moon” a work=of=art had appeared that re-
minded him — “and, I guess, us all!” — of an age when terrestrial
poetry was in finest flower. “Yes, and what’s more —” : whereas
until now we may have lackt a great, paytriotick ep=pick, here
on this heav’nly=body of ours, itself an all=too frequent subject
of verbose calumny, a work had arisen that hm=uh : encompusst
all the virtues of the You=Ess=Ay as if in a ring — (“a massive
golden ring”, he added on second thot; couldn't get his mind off
it, either) : “pointing us to’ard the future; and yet brimming with
vicktorius campains of our great American hair’ tage.” (“Bra=
voe Bra=voe !”). / And had had partickular sucksess in the
charackter of <Dillert>, a jennuwine, full=blooded=gnash=inall
hero. But the s’ porting cast, too, figures of 2nd & 3rd rank, were
handulld with the same ’fecktionate detail “that is one of the
hallmarx of great writers” .....
(Andsoforth yesyes I know : All well & good; but don’t x=
aggerate.) / A memorial plack on his house ? : Fine. — But now
that’s really enuff of a good thing ! / And I’m getting a copy to
take along to swap ? : Fine. I would certainly hope so.
“Just’n’jenrull, m’lords : what should I offer vAN ?”. (Easy for
you to gas away; you're sittin’ here, tending your congressional
and ’xecutive bellies.) / And each of them had some special item;

Seckretary O’War O’Stritch —. — : Me ? ! ; take poison along;

and offer a pintch to ev’ry Russian I meet ? / I turned to the
ass=embly. (On every single face the struggle between horr=
or & a certain, inhuman approval); I replied impressively :
“T move : that this hon’rabble gentleman be cass=trayted — with
a rusty p’tato=peeler ! To the end that in=human maxxums of
this sort can never be genetickly transmitted among us.”
(Should I, as added=deckoration, spit at the bullneckt im-
poster’s feet ? — / But no; that was enuff : I had seldom re-
ceived such applawse : a healthy core left in Ameri=cunnisum
afterall. / And O’ Stritch pulld a long, wurried face : that’s the
repayment for yesterday’s <slavo=feeb, you Irish bastard !). /
INGXG DICASE Rin
Seckretarry of Commurse (i.e. Supplies) Air: /..... ie Ricks}
— How d’you picture I'd manage that ? : steal a crow ? ’m I
s’posed t’ slip it up my sleeve ?” / “You and your <Office
of Echologickall Balants> ! : of course I won’t let *em — not
 ¥ OONDOCKS M@ 285

consciously at least — infesst me with a flea.” (The notions these

guys had !).
“Okay, I won’t put either bicarb or bromo in their coffee. / And
I'll refuse any sorta student=exchange : you won’t have it any
other way. / What <cream=hills> are, I'll xplain t’ them, bet
I will. / And mooch’n’scrawnj whatever I can in the way o’
boox : anything else y’ want ?” —
“But ifsome <Sownya> wants t’ show you her room. . .”; Jenni-
fer Rowland, with a jujubeedy grumble. / And wild malice over-
whelmed me, (one can, of course, call it <love o’ truth>). I lookt
around me. I answered the massy lady : “Jenny —: /’ll go with
her ! — That is, unless you show me, and before I depart I mean,
YOUR room !”. (And that was such a clever micksture of com-
plymeant & lackapaytriutism that the plump chassis didn’t
know what to say, and just gave a smile — <bemused>, or so she
thot p’r’aps; <stoopid>, or so / rated it; (but I woulda made the
best of it. Altho I prefer narro=clever=long mouths .....
(The head gave I disdanfull sort=of <thankyou» nod toward
my side. : “That’s all ?”. — That was all. — : Fine; next time I'll
praise a big fat mouth.....
“Bytheway Mister Hampden=uuhh..... ”; (the President. But
I could feel a certain strength in my position now. And quite=
coldly, rite in the middle of his speech, demanded : “Call me
<Char=ley> : maybe I won’t be comin’ back .. .” / And he turnd
& whirld around : allevem turnd & whirld : y’see O’Stritch :
now y’ know what a <central=figgure> is : Mwa=Mayhma !
*Zounds fax & tuba.)
“uh=you had a hue=mannistic education, didn’t you Charles=
William —” (he; embarrasst=nervuss) — “uhm=d’ y’happen t’ know
what <SABINUM>= uh... ?”. / (And pulled himself together, like
crazy. (But it was just that damn SOB=Livy again : yesterday
Joorj, today him ! My noggin’ wasn’t a ’nsyclapeedya.....
“At the fact’ry they often call y’ <The Walkin’ Dickshunairy>.”
the blunt voice beside=me said to the dormurrd=wall yonder;
along which groaning wind staggered, in shado’s. While heavy
dew fell, wearying us out-of-“Taoners.”
(Stay on=track : pull y’self t’gether !) : “<saBina> ? wife of Em-
peror Hadrian.” (<Gordianus> ? echoing from those dusky
schoolboy brain=corrydors ? — So toss it in, ice=cold; as if it
were a commonplace !) : “uh=Orelli=Ekhel.” (But their faces
remained impassive.). “<SABINI SABINIANI SABINUM> : Horass’s
286 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

country estate.” (<A=Hora=Mazz=da> Ahriman=Mirrtza. /

Nothin’. So some deft invention) :
“SABEENASS, name of a freed=slave. — Also an artist who workt in
iv’ree : eborarius ? —” (But still those faces grew more unsatis-
fied : I’m really gonna run out here soon : SABIRIA SABIRI
SABIS=SABLONIE ? My mirackulous memory was once famous,
back On Garuda’. so
(Freeing 1 hand=tipp for nose=pickin’ ? / ((<Don’t drop it on
your toes>; or «Were you looking for something in p’tickular ?> :
sometimes even I have to think in clichés. Tho I seldom allow
myself the luckshurry.)) / Let it disappear again, shivering. And
went on playing mummy=ears : ponntcho=ponntcho.....
ee a (But somehow I had not=hit the nail — y’ could even see it
in the legg=positions; the way Jennie had layerd her thighs; in
ev’rything. / Well f’rallicare. I’m no good at riddulls; never was.
(And never wanted to be.) / “You're stayin’ in session ? — Well,
I can read it all t’morrow in the minn=nuts. — : bye=bye.” (And
strolling=easy behind this usher here; to the bathtub.)
Ah: in the bath=tubb.....
- “Hertha, can’t I, here=atlast, have you appear as a bath=
attendant ? It’d make it all much more grafick — ?” / (And nestle
again gainst the hairy breast=armor. And Crash. Nestle ? : Crash.
Much as Tasso=too must have crasht gainst his printsuss; gainst
the rock he was trying to hold onto; yea, clutch tite to, can well
believe it. I mean, I simply can’t nestle more heartfelt than this :
“Hertha — !’’).
But a nawt=hole in an old elderberry (1 of my special tree=
fav’rites) would, I submit, ve reacted=responded with more
passion : This one=here didn’t let out a russtle !
The moon, gibbous, into a red splotch. —: “If the stars’re twin-
kling only a wee, y’ can hear distant barking of dogs, town=
criers, oars beating=’tsettra : more clearly=than=usual.” (She
appeared much more s’septabble to weather=curios of this sort :
so best stick to those round readheads : “Hertha — ?’’. —)

into the bathtub : standing in the divine=hot micks of aquagreen

& soap — Wine=dotty, Hurr=ann, Ero=keez & Five Nayshuns !
— and I wallo’d my slater’s sholders in the sudds : ooaahhh !
(There’s simply nothin’ better that *murican plum=merry :
Mizurratecksassahaiawiskonnsun : oh=a great nation !). / (And
shave sharp & deckrativ. — And out and into fresh underwear :
 # OONDOCKS @ 287

that litterally crackled when you pulld it up & down your torso;
as if y’ were elecktrick ELECKTRA=ELECKTRONN : t’think I could

And now the «Hi=Proteen Breakfust> : Bull=yon ! / In the

aromatick waftlet of the egg=ersatz=ersatz. (And wipe it clean
with the last crust 0’ bread, fervoid=circles.) / (And steal a kiss
— as stippulated in Spaceship=Reg’s 843, pairagraff two — from
the Vick=Tory=girl redding my table.....
(Stolakiss — ? — Immobull stood the metalick, hairclad creecher
beside me. — : “Hertha aren’t you the least bit ashamed ? :
Seein’ as I may never come back from the Rushins ? —’. But
not Her.
aes LINOT eHMeee L LETISKIDA) fesed
Gold OW ella rally Care: oe
(<Fr’all she cared>. — But the indiffront=flabby muzzle tasted
like —hmmmm : like Nawt=Nowun=Newer=Nair : Near=Vanna :
<Tao>.) / I decided instedd to bend down over that rare single
slice of corned=beef, spicier by far than ladys=lipss.....
(: 2. — But just I impassive shrugg.)
se mer®, and slurpt the thimblefulla Coca=Cola. And thus gradu-
ally regained national diggnutty, and manly self=relieunts.....
(: Hertha. — : There’s still time for latterday jennerations to
learn the shape color & size of your breasts, in the form of a
triolet ’f you insist — and to read with envy — the women of
you, the men of me : and im=mortallity is no small matter, dar-
line. aes
Shwe the space=stewarrduss was still nearby, <within reach»;
(tho I s’pose «meanwhile alas!, that tree has borne blossom and
fruitten times or ery =...
“Goethe bytheby.” — But She held obd’rutt silents all the same.
/ : “Hertha, you’re gonna push it till I won’t even letcha ’*ppear
atallaene. 76 ” But she was ice=cold; no matter what I did with
her head. — : “Dammit, ’fonly I knew the rite button t’ push !” —
And she, speaking from abs’ lute zee=row : “That’s somethin’
you=men never know.” / (And so off into the universe of words
—it’s parently our only, let’s call it=uh : <weapom>?.....
ee <in storijj> ? : The spayss=soot fit like a gluve. / Rist-
watch. (What a feeling on your wrist, huh ? What memmnries it
awakund.) / 1 nylon=rope, 200 yards, as a ribbon of honor
wrappt aslant on my massive body, from shoulder to hip. (And
back again. Round and round my body : inside of which a slice
288 M ARNO SCHMIDT

of cornbeef aromaticized : beauuutiful !). And the cammaflazh

cloth of bright=yello and pale=green silk, printed with gray
and black chex, all MARE CRISIUM, as if invented by a clever
designerette of fabrix.....
(: ?. — She did not thank me. : No One loves me anymore; many
are they that hate me. >.
And then, ducking, out : thru iron=door & iron=tunnel : into the
<X=PERI=MENTAL=ZONED ....-
And a mattra=fackt headnod; a la <That’s where I'd like to send

eed SLUDGE & soredia=lichens : the precisely calculated air=

mix rusht out of its portal=sized pipe=gullet. (Next to it, the
water=fackt’ry, pumping for its life — all the same, the
atmosfear was only about half as dense as what we were used
to. / And, as stated, soredia=lichens. & chartreuse sludge : the
two <lakes> still appeared void of life; on their banks a kind of
<desert=flora>. / What was the number on my soot ? —: <US 84>.
Make a note of it, to be on the safesside.)
(At 1 point, terrified jerboa=mice hoppt at hip=level : <raggoo &
fur=stoles>, ah ye=poor=wee=beasties ! / Nor was our <grain>
thriving all that well. (And my guide gave a more skeppticle
shake of his helmitted head : no matter how we workt’n’ drudgd
this lunan-dust-layer ;.. 4 / Int’resting=too, the exhaust=
outlets for used air : as an x=periment they'd been disguised
as <skullpchers>. Here a troating artiodactyl; there something
like a <bittern> — you couldn’t determine the xact species; our
abstracktors could care less if any life=form was wreckog-
nizable. Or here : somebody standing on his head, the stinking
pipe sticking out his rear ! — “An idea at least, huh ? !”. And my
guide nodded.)
Greenhouses here & there; with giant=cellofeign=roofs. Be-
neath which gramineous stuff did not run=wild. (But wait — my
guide particularly calld my attention to it ! —if you croucht real
lo’, and skwinted : from out here, it really did look almost like a
<Green Meado>. —/ Animals=sure.... .
“Sdynow — : goats —”; (the redhead beside mine) : “— wouldn’t
goat=chammeeze ? .. .”. (Alpifauna thin=air bolders & edel-
vice: Thy willbedone, ice=sfinx, SPHINXE DE GLACE.....
ets abslootly : a coupla goats stalkt, or stood around purplext.
Constuntly lifting their beards : they didn’t feel all that good in
this airsatz=air either. (During the 14=day <nites>, they’d thro a
 BOONDOCKS Mf 289

few instant=nuke chips in the <lakes>; heating *em up, to send

up warm foggery : <halflife>.)
(‘nd back thru the tunnel : at the last iron=door, things got
seeryous : <Helmutt off for prair !» / And pull the broad
girding=belt titer; buckl’up. He walkt round me a few times,
checking ... ? — And then step on out; onto
<ROCKET=LAUNCHPAD I>. — (Ackchally we had only the one ! / But
that sorta thing was just old forrin & dumb=estick politicull
usage : to report about the 984th infuntry division, when y’ had
just 1. (Or vice=versa, to report about the Ist, when y’ had 984;
in German fashion.....
(But goings-on inside the cover ? And/or, Silesian=better
<ruction>. And laid her hand on my arm, <And if she should sud-
denly rue her> ?). / But no : no rue. — “Jisslissen . . .”
— : t’ward 5 o’clock the whimprings of a human in the pallid
meado’s. —: “Sheol !—: Sheol !”. / She sholdered a bit. Opened
her mouth to hear better; (and anything can become of a mouth
like that !). A smile, wee & gullible; (<I’m Gloobig, the Sexin
*mbassader). A botherated wonder=O. —
: “What purport has this thy mouth=poseition ?”. / First she
closed it up. Considdurd. Then; curt & cool : “A kiss. And 1 of
a=doration & =pology. And so tender that . . .”. (Another
unended sentence : is that simply a povertia words; or sheerest
cunning ? From a purely akoostickle standpoint, the <that» had
implied a threat; warning. But then too, p’tickularly in tandem
with that gentle lifting of the head, a certain lassivious fore=
taste ? — Ah well: so be it.) / And «tender»; as ordered. (And at
once | shrugg per partissipunt. : “’twas <tender>. ’t’s what y’
wanted.”’)
By the way : “What's this bout <pology> ? ! : Have I not had to
abase myself, ah how long & verbose —” (bitter) “— before being
permitted to launch <1 tender» kiss.” (And toss in a painfull,
thrice=suppresst stage=laugh.)
“Abase,” she said darkly : “<abasement> is what you=men do
to us=women.” (“Sheol=Sheol” came my interjeckted cry of
protest). — : “And then there’s your much=loved <verbosity>
besides : that’s just it ! — In the besta cases, it’s always a
struggle between —”; and broke off, searching for deafinitions;
“_ between embarrassment & pleasure : sometimes it is beauti-
ful for a moment. But then y’ feel all ashamed again. — I mean,
with eyes closed, and without a lota words : it may be alrite. —
290 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

But then here comes somebody=like=you, who’s got to keep

up a steady commonstarry. And so much of it is just a joke. So
that: .. .”. / (And again, didn’t finish. — But several things
needed to be set strait here) :
“Sweetest=heart :...”; (and up came the palm of 1 hand, a la
<y’see, at it again». — And so begin anew)
“Hertha, ’ve y’ ever heard 1 word pass these cherryred lips 0°
mine, once we got down to the deed=itself ?”. And she, desper-
ate=satisfied : “See —’; and despite a grin, shook her head.
Then : “Th’ only thing that makes it bearabull is . . .” (and stoppt
short again, of course.)
“Ify’ could just keep your mouth=shut sometime, when you
<usher it in» — or whatever fav’ rite xpression you decide to use at
the moment; or at least t’ think : now don’t inneruppt me ! —”.
(Whereas she’d fallen sighlent all by herself. / Godd, I happen
to want to enjoy things consciously. And maybe I am so
<clumsy> that I first have to go to the trouble of «translating»
everything into words : “Y’hear ? : EVERYTHING ! I mean, y’ can’t
claim the only direckt connexion from my Broca’s convolution
is the 1 to my nervus airygendus. : P’r’aps Mother Nature has
x=pressly designed me as a vessel for words, to constuntly
try’em out & stir’em up & recumbine ’em ?” / But she just snifft
at all this; and used her thick lowerlip to keep crossing=out my
few words.)
And there ! ! : The com=petitor at the windo ! —/ At first it lafft
agreeably. (At our diffrentses, rite ?) : “Wha=wha=what ?” /
And came round the corner, tott’ring aflite, a deft shado, with
wooing call. And most eagerly invited Her — grate opportunity,
they’ve just had an argument ! — to come=along : “C’méut :
C’mout !” — (And was not my redhead now lending it a
scalloppt=Cara/ saa)
(Bywaya precawshun take her into my arms rite now !) : “Hertha=
m’love. : Don’t b’leave him ! : Come with me instead . . .”;
(with a very long, much=promissing <eeee> : hmmmmmm).
“You're just as big a poppy=cocker.” she said mistrustfull. And :
“The poppycock you=Men feed to Us=poor=wymmin is most —”
(and catty from here=on; she was mimicking me) : ‘“<amply
dockumented>. — Say, just=where d’ these nite=fellers live ?”
(And this last, all trusting again — no, more : trysting, cozy : it’s
increddible, how these non=guys can verry their voices. — We
are lost, We=men !)
 3 OONDOCKS m@ 291

(Willa woo=woo=woo, weeto : Hoo !>) : “Owl=trees.” (A

consept unknown to her.) — So xplain, tall, hollo, in=wood=
near=village : “The hunter, forester, amicustrigis knows ’em;
ev'ry one.” / Pause. / Then : “Amicustrigis.” she repeated,
resighned, a la <No use»; (on thother hand, one could sents
some of Sir Aries Tottle’s <filosofickle wonder>.) / : “So go
ahead ’n’ bullshoot a little more.....
BPs: (The two big <inter=plannatarry> rockets just stood there
as rum=pulld stage=propps, (<Old=Rum>); we hadn’t had fuel
for ’°em since Herter was a pup. Only the little 2- and 3-man
jobs, the <Shooting Stars», still funktioned.) / (And yessindeed,
pay constant=tension to your <pace=length> ! So that y’ didn’t
bounts too far. 5.
: “<Sputnik=puntcher> ? : Y’ can keep that here.” Me; all mem-
ber=o’=congress. And they all waverd between sigh’n’tiffick
recalsytrunts, and <submission to ’thority>; (and their delite in
fine nuances would ’ve done a German bishop proud : I’ll be
damnd if I’1] so much as aim at a Soviet sattulite !). / (And now
a quick sarcastick review of the 3-man <professional=army> of
my special friend O’Stritch : <The army sleeps under the apple-
tree>. He just better not rile me.....
(And Hertha — («My Hertha» ? Who can know for sure, given
those silent maskarrayed faces ?) — cockt an ear ? ’sindeed :
it sounded as if Auntee Heeta was starting to kick up a fuss
belo Us ?) / “At five=thirty ?” : “We’re out in the country, Rose
of Novgorod. — We’ll let her bumball round a bit : then go
down.” / (Of course, in Nordhorn people don’t get up this
early :
when great floes of white rise up out of the earth : a black spirit
climbs up out of this chimney; a white 1 from that. : “And in-
deed on several ’casions I’ve seen yello ones —” I added signifi-
cantly. (What quiv’ring is this, dear heart ? Quick, 1 warming
emmz=brayce. : “Be reeznubble Hertha.” (In the dusky dawn, we
both had gray hair now : so quicker & more, Hertha !)
“Tell dell sylp : dell deep shick !” : The first sparro call. Thru
the rawt=iron sky. (Still with that rusty patch of a moon on it ?
At one point, for a good 10 seckunts, it turned so pale & glassy,
glaze & blistry, it was as if the sky were shining thru it.
“What’s that rumpulltyrump ?” (with the well=known Silesian=
Deepsouth <r») : “Well, whadya s’pose, dear ? :
ole) eee te the rockits. (First they let the N=gins <warm up» : they had
292 M ARNO SCHMIDT

a sweet sound, heavy with memmary, as lce upon a time, track=

turs in russtick reachin’s.....
(1 aha=chin nodded curtly).....
Bes ie sparro’s & the smell of earth, ahyes. / (But now, quick a
coupla brief=weighty remarx. To sho these he=men here that they
can’t pull our=congressional legs. Mere allusions to.....
<Schroeter’s Rule>.....

<For each crater, the part of the material above the surface : is
approximately equal to the volume of the interior depression
below.» (: You guys don’t impress me, from HEVEL to BALDWIN —
I had a good education, that’s all !).
Ore how does this taste ? : The Eysenhardian funomanon ? (A
person can inform himself, rite, specially if he’s gonna be sent
tO MARE CRISIUM ?). / And they gatherd round, Everyman. And
listend up. Heedful, the Messers Asstronomick. : “Yesindeed,
gentlemen :
the Eysenhardian funommanon ! : Kristian Karl Gottlieb
Eysenhard; a man brought to astronnamy by the ingenius
Lambert=himself, a man who — tho dying in his prime, sad to
say — discoverd, after hopefull observation.....
(confidenshully; to my ’compliss : “... just as he reported to
the aforementined Lambert, from Halle; how on 25 July 1774,
at midnite; the Heav’ns being brite as possible, the Moon near-
ing cullmination; and the Line of Shadow passing rite thru
ENDYMIUS, KLEE=O’MADDIES, LANGREN, & SNELLIUS : and MARE

1.) within MARE CRISIUM, 4 little, unusually brite Points. / 2.) and=
found; from pRocLUS=on, a strong Band of Lite which extended
as far as the edge of MARE TRANQUILITATIS. / 3.) : After some two=
hours of Examination of the Moon, his eye trained primerrily
upon aforesaid 4 Points — (and was it not simply too beautiful
how straight & even the Line of Shadow did cross the basin of
MARE CRISIUM) — : he saw of a sudden : (something he had not
noticed until then) that the Segment of the Line of Shadow pass-
ing thru MARE CRISIUM first moved away from the Center of the

(And, close to desp’ration : “Hertha ! — : What is this int’ rest

of yours in comet=tailing ? And what would you do were I to
sho you mine .. .” And she : “Y’see : <sho> your «tail». — You
shoulda tied 1 a those bronze waits to your tongue yesterday.”
 5 OONDOCKS Mm 293

Me; indignant : “I don’t want your pity : I want your pit !”. (And
shes Yaseen?
Ress Atfirst Eysenhard=himself believed that this most Curi-
ous Funnomanon was p’r’aps but a figment of his Imagination ?
But later found that he was not mistaken, for the following rea-
sons:
a) he continued to see the funnomanon as clearly & sharply as
possible, tho he observed it for nigh onto half an hour, indeed
used 2 other Telescopes to do so, one of 7 feet, the other of
12. And
b) the 4 Points of lite served as Limits for the perceived motion :
he could in fact see quite clearly how this brite Fluidum
would slowly move, causing the Area in question gradually
to briten; but then, after 5 to 6 minutes, it would slowly
darken again, until it matcht the Line of Shadow. —
He continued his observations for 2 more hours, until after 4
that morning. But saw no change. He therefore attributed the
funnomanon to something that was only to be encounterd on the
spot, inside MARE CRISIUM. —
And they all listend, to a man. And fell silent : To a man. (No
one could offer an explanation : some X=spurts you are. / We=
Congresspersons aren’t such <mooncalves>, afterall, huh ? But
live rite=smackdab in the middle of it : ’sindeed; the otto=did=
ax ! —.) —
And she nodded delibruttly : Hit=the=nail. (“Monkey plus Ge-
nius divided by 3” she had once mutterd, at a large party, with-
out looking at Anyone in P’tickular.....
ATI and so, resigned, climb aboard; for the trip to the
<thinned=out zone». We had — after endless=sticky negotiashuns,
(<Yes=Nyett : Nyet : Yess»), a «Scattered Forces Zone>, which
also happened to pass strait across MARE CRISIUM. The surveying
troops were at work rite now establishing and marking the exact
<secktors> in which <no troops may be stationed>. (: Us, with our
3-5 men ! : Whata farse! —
(“A zone that nobody’s allowed to enter ?” : “I said <soljers>.” :
“Othataway.” / It was no fun when she held that still, either;
(does that mean it’s all lies, the stuff y’ find in the relevant
gynako=manic cumpendia ? Pff clitless, clitless. (What a lovely
Way t. DULINeor

skeptischism. (<Airm ? : brrr !). / Nawt but <Schroeter’s Rule>

294 M ARNO SCHMIDT

down there. And the sircullure castles slid past belo us, ’zounds
Pastorff & Greuthausen. (Sacksa provisions beside me. And a
loggarhythm table; to ten places : Vegavega. (Damnrite I could
use 1 t’ calculate; even at=my=age. Even the ones for ’maginary
numbers if need be; something not everyone can do.) / (And
on we went; hastily along the loxodrome : CONON=SUPLIECIUS
GALLUS=LITTROW=MIRALDI=PROCLUS. )
“Upahead : here came PICARD into view now .....
“But I s’pose it’s bout time we started down, don’t you ?”;
my mummyfied happiness. Turnd her back to the slanting
windo; stood there, head held hi, full o’ thot, then a nod for-
ward. (And was I ever ripe for a <cup o’mercy>, too — : “A
hotpodge of coffee sugar brandy. Invented by one Jourdan;
whose habit it was to partake of it at the ruffer spots during his
daily ruetine; ’nd had some very good results with it .” — What
was he by profession ? : “Well, envious colleagues called him
<coupe=téte>.” : “And one a those cups o’mercy ’s what you
wanna drink ? — Well, no wonder : the way y’ were treatin’ my
noggin a while ago —’. And strode with a knowing nod to the
door.)
“No kiss for the warrior left b’hind ? !” : “Do <waryers left
b’hind> get ’em nowadays, too ?”, she askt captiously. And :
“Join me; y’ can carry the toilatrys.” : “Oh you women !” / “Oh
you=men.” she reposted, already on the stairs; (left hand sliding
down the banister beside her; rite hand braceletting the ceiling
above) : “Tho there’s worse ones ’n you. — You can be almost=
luvvabull — sometimes.” Me, flabberghasted : “Are you that
x=peerienst ? !”. And she (but men=dacious, she only wanted to
get arise out of me; I was — not counting that middle finger — at
most the fourth; if not the third : “Or ’ve you lied to me *bout
that, too ?’’)
She stopt on the penultimate tread; her back contentedly taking
in tones of unfaynd jellousy. Did a veritable full=turn and al-
lowed me to come down=to her. Spoke care=fully (and purest
malice sparkt from her peepers) : “What d’y6u know about
me...” / Let me move | step down & ahead, so that we could
more easily stand bresst to bresst; (which I did at once, too; she
freed a thorn of her clasp, and hookt it into the row of my
pyjamma buttonholes : so I couldn’t get away). Laid her head
back on the horizontal. Shoved her chin foorward. And twisted
her upperlip to an arch : “Here’s your <cup o’mercy> ! —” (And I
 # OONDOCKS M@ 295

put <the aforesaid» to my lips; and/or my lips=to=aforesaid. And

began to drink; (and it sounded as if the rucktions of the
tracktors=outside suddenly grew louder.....
(And of course her hairbrush had to fall outa my hand ! And
take the curve down with a bumpettyrummble, on down the next
flite : ah, I could have wept most bloody tears; because)
— the cup turnd shallo at once; (all «mercy» immediately out of
the question; at most it was now no more than a <saucer> — and
she rolld that up too. Till in place of the moist=springy vessel of
my dreams, | scarrlet slit was left, narro as the <back» of my
Jumbo Jacknife.) : “Bar=bare=yan !” (Instedd of consolation &
lianalike caresses at the <perfidy of the ob=jekt> ! / : The
brayslutt closed titer now. The indignunt pale being strode
down=words. (They certainly know how to «stride» !). Waiting
stonily till I had fetcht that damn brush. Snatcht her giffy=bag>
— the one for cuz=meticks & beauty — from my humble hand.
And, tossing her head, in she went.....

* *

And AH, longsints ris’n & shining, at a stove alreddy robust

& blustring, pretended dumbfoundment. : “Lohd, ’s the wuhld
tuhnd upsidedown ? : city=slickahs; up’nabout at 6 ?”. (And
gave us an agreeable once=ovah : my sweetheart in her gownlet;
me, in my heavier p’jamas.)
“Go ahead ’n use the skull’ry, child. — No, wait —” she decided,
Heeta the Magnannymus : “I'll follo you with a pitchah o’ hot
watah.” / And me, encurrujing (cause Hertha stood there so
proper; all that was missing in fact were the gold=stars) :
“Congratts=Hertha. — Not ev’rybody gets one round here. /,
f’rinstants .. .”. “Yes=youuu,” AH said disdainfully : “’tain’t
no good foah men atall : You’ll get ice=cold watah in due time;
from the fridge.” / (And exeunt Both females.) —
And came back, alone. / Curious : “Tellme, Kahl. — : What was
it you=two wanted, las’nite, with a tao=el ?”./ Aha !./ “Don’t
you know about that, Auntee ?” I askt, fervent=murky. : Pits
the lastest rage. A Chinese thing. Rite before you start in.” (By
the by : I’ll have to take Hertha to task for that later on; consid-
ering how she mocks my verbal pre=lewdiums : and She starts
in with something like=that ! —)
296 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“Ohh. —” (AH; piqued). / Slite pause. / : “Summat Chinese ? —

Well, theah be sitch : / had a guhlfriend wunst; she made
Huh=husband play the gittahr foah 20 minutes befoahhand. In a
shoht shuht; sittin’ on the ejja the bedd.” And shook her gray
hedd : “Now J nevah needed the like. - Theah be funnidux,
don’t y’ think.” / (Most bitter nods on my part. / And she
buss=ulld; and fuss=bujjited; (<fuss=budge> : <phys=bythos>
body=depth.).
(And seemd un=easy ?. / Mutterd something, too, about a
<washrag>. And whoosht out. / (First up the stairs ?.— Then back
down & somewhere roundabout ?-—/.....
— And came storming back in. / : “Hells=bells : you bam=
boozlah !” she said furrvidly. : “I'll b’ damnd if you’ah wuhth
us even... .”. / (What’s this ? : You’ve taken up incompletion,
too ?). We took a breath. As befits poor=living wretches.
(Starvelings for finality : I <ownd>, <at home» a bath=thermom-
eter; the skail of which, household wonder, went down to 40
d’grees belo zero!!! : The things They pull on Us !) —
: “You lied t’ me, you=whippasnappa ! — It’s Chinese alrite. But
has apsalootly nothing t’ do with=7Har7 ! : I just misst makin’ a
fool a myself by that=much, you !”. (And wrattled her pot more
wrathfully.)
“What'd you imagine it was, you wickitt creature ?”, I dared, I
askt. And she, with auntly menace : “You’ah gonna git slappt !”
/ But couldn’t help grinning. And forgave me; and pulld herself
up, self=assured : “Y’ nevah stop luhnin’ I alliz say.”, she
confesst; “specially ’f you’ah a simple country=woman like
m’seff.” / (And got somewhat hett up again) : “Y° got that from
youah fathah y’know,” she ob=served, : “Youah mothah now,
she was summat of a scattahbrain. — But youah=fathah was jist
like you, a real — live=wiah : ev’rry three months he had some
new iahrun oah othah in the fiah.” / : “And=y6u’ah the cross
between=’em —” she concluded with a shake of the head. /
Stood=there. On 2 strapping slippahs. And pon=derated. / :
: “SHE ain’t got that mutch heah by the by.”; (and used the broad
laydle of her rite hand, under Her=left breast; and gave it
aweigh. Plus giving me a probing=sympathetic eye : ?. — But I
was determined to defend my girl) : “Aeh, Auntee Heeta...”. /
But she jumpt down my throat. : “Don’t act so know=it=all and
s’fiss=tickated with me : it’s WHAT you=men jist love t’ get yoah
hands on !” / And gave a viggrous shake of her head : “Nono,
 B OONDOCKS m@ 297

m’boy. : she’s moahena bit boney ! Puhtty long legs, tho. And
that red haiah jist ev rywheah : that’s vehry ’tracktive, don’t y’
think ?”. —
. “And just how d’you know all this, Auntee ?”, I inquired of
her. “Well=y’see” she said coolly : “I happend t’ peek thru the
scull’ry winder. — : Shuhly ’m allowd t’ do that in my own
skull’ry ?...” / As there was a seethe in her pot, she took it
off=fire. Pierced me thru’n’thru with a kindly=mayjesstick side-
long glants. Then, pointedly : “I *membah well enuff, how 30
yeahs ago, someone did the same with me. While 7 was takin’
aibaathinn..
(Brite=eyed hawtty smiling grandly.) / Me grimm./: “Yesyes=
auntee; know.” / And : “’nd for the next 10 years, I paid dearly
*nough for it. — : See this crock=here —” (shiny=coalblack it was,
with white streex) — “could just about’
ve filld it up.” —. —
: “Diss=gustin !” she said, shockt. And pickt it up at wunts.
And regarded it prowdly. (And put it to 1 side : adding it to her
trofies ?). —
“Truth t’ tell, y’ desuhve a paste y’ on the beezah —” she said ten-
derly. “But — as long as we’ah speakin’ ’bout it — : I do have to
ad=mit. You us’t t’ help me hang up the laundry duhrin’ youah
summah vacations — : you wuh 17; which’d make me 31 —”. (I
waved this off, grimmer yet : enough enough, I know. : “Given
what I know now, I’d say, Auntee : you were not wearin’ a bra
under that scanty blouse. — And me in my swimtrunx.” I con-
clewded bitterly.
“Hmmyess ...” (she; lost in dreams.) /: “You'd jist come back
from takin’ a swim. All tann & clean. —”. (And gave that poor
pot an angrier shake. / And calmd down again. And weaved that
wide head, regret=fully) : “I know=Kahl; ’twas wuhse for you :
’ftahall, I could see how xsighted you wuh. — But it wasn’t all
that simple foah me neithah. I cuhtainly considuhd it, uhnestly
considuhd it, on sev’rull ’casions — : whethah I shouldn’t sho
you the cuhnuss aftuh all ? — what with you writin’ pomes to me
b’sides. <Sah=nuts>, rite ?”
(She pulld out a pair of wooden=shoes from under the boot=
cabinet. And 1 piece of sand=papuh. Rubbd away at ’em, till
they were sno=white. Sanded ’em to a most=decorous point,
too, spiting ev'ry Dutchgirl. And spoke the while) :
“Cause when y’ considuh that youah Uncle Ludwick .. .” — (I
just moved my lips silently; and scannd off in the direcktion of
298 M ARNO SCHMIDT

the fridge with my chin : She, too, merely utterd more wordless
threats by using her thick indecks=finger : !). : “J happend to ’ve
alliz enjoyd it; I'll not deny it.” (And, with prodigious honesty)
: “Prob’ly have some hank’rin for it even=nowadays. — But
when you’ah ovah 60, it’s prob’ly better done as a fantasee, “nd
with youah hand. — I don’t know; p’r’aps I’ll have a go at it
aginn sometime. —” (She angrily waved off every objection; a la
<Don’t intuhrupt me now> !)
: “But gettin’ back t’ the topick : it was no=small temptation
for me, neithah, Kahl. : Aftuh 50, theah wasn’t all that much
happ’nin’ with youah Uncle Ludwick. ’nd what with his double
huhnya, y’ couldn’t xactly call him a pairacleat 0’ beauty &
elegunts & sitch.” She sighed. — : “Specially, when he’d ett
some peas; ’nd at ev’ry thuhd thrust y’ huhd ’em rumblin’. —
Oah lentils, mymy : and he did love t’ eat em so !.” (<Je seme a
tout vent» — now where had I spotted that epigraff ? At the front
of my grand Larousse ? Or in my Handel=Mazetti, <«Monograf
on the Genus Taraxacum»; ’zounds achenes & pappus=hairs.
But I had to consintrate on her again now) —
“Shaking her=head : “Noo. : *twasn’t any pleasuh ! — The last
20 yeahs he mostly sat upstaiahs ‘nd jackt off, and me down-
heah : that’s a sorry statev affaiahs.” / (Meaning, 1 more home
in which only stick=figures of a man & wife wandered about.
(But why did the site of those wooden shoes torment me so ?
— Ah, that’s it : Walter Wellkamp, a schoolchum. Whom they
tormented years later, in a concentration camp. Till one day
he bored the screws out of his wooden shoes, and put ’em in
his cap; and urinated into it, until the rust dissolved; then
swallo’d the bilge. And within 2 days, he died <with s’vere
cramps>. (And the same bastards ’d already weaseled their way
back into half the <top posts». The Cristchuns had the other half.
Juvat vivere.)
And <turnd her back» on me; and said all concentration and full
of a certain gray savag’ry that lookt very good on her : “It
wouldna wuhkt, Kahl ! — Quite apaht from any <cons’ quences>;
in those days I had a doctah who woulda gotten ridda those;
vehry capable woman she was, helpt me out noomrous times;
she’s still practisin’. — But you woulda been comin’ round five=
times a day, fumblin’ ovah me with youah eyes & hands, till a
blindman woulda notisst. — And then 14 days latah you’ da been
gone. And one fine day you’da sho’n up heah with a youngah
 3 OONDOCKS m 299

guhl in any case. And what with me so much oldah .. .”. And,
full sober now, gave a brief shake to her titely pursst lips : “It was
bettah thataway.” / Pause. / Then, gentler again : “Just wanted
y’ to know, m’boy, you wuhn’t th’ only one in tohment.”
“Yep; she can do it, ’m suah; I got a whiff of it upstaihs.” :
“But she thinx it’s <d’grading>, Auntee.” me; downharted. /
“D’y’mind if I siddown —” she said, with dignity & bewill-
derment. “What a silly goose ! — <D’gradin’> ? : It’s the woman
that weahs the man out ! : I'd like t’ve seen the man that didn’t
creep away from my bed on all foahs, within the space of an
houah !” —
: “<Rape» ? : My deah Kahl ! — We gave that a try wunst, youah
Uncle Ludwick & me: t’ see if he couldn’t, nd I mean in
uhnest, rape me . . .”; (now this was getting int’resting ! I tried
to pickture it. And splayed my hands, requesting more precise=
uh — (and couldn’t help licking my lips. And she nodded in
valkyrian tryumff) : “Laid up in bed foah 2 days he was. Kept
askin’ me t’ call Doctah Breithaupt; coahse I didn’t do it. — I
mean when it comes to <rape>, m’boy : eithah y’ fuhst gotta
bang the woman on the head with an axt. Oah somebody’s gotta
stand rite b’side huh with a loaded gun so she’s afraid not to.
But othuhwise ? — Altho I’ll grant y’ a man’s gen’rully strongah
— but in this=one=p’tickulah instunts, he doesn’t stand a
chants.”
And britend up : “Bytheby : She can alliz lay ontop !”. (The ol’
sy=kalisjest.) / But she was & stayd disgruntled. Rumpusst &
curst softly. / “What’s bothrin’ me ? — : lemme give y’ an eah-
full, m’boy !”. And counted it out on athletick fingers :
“A beauty : she’s not. Neitha huh face, noah <heah> —” (and
stood briefly, exposure time, | tenth, like the Lady of Mylow). /
“She’s no good in bed — which can make up foah a Jotta things !
— jist th’ opp’ sit, totally inhibbidud, like you said.” /: “Now jist
hold yoah peace ! —: ain’t no good at housekeepin’ neithah. She
was in the kitchin with me yest’day ev’nin’, foah jist a bit — I
didn’t know I had that many dishes !” / And spread 2 logicull
hands my way : two handsfull. . . !
“Auntee, ’skooz me for bringin’ it up again —”; (and by way of
precaution presst | adoring=winning nephewskiss to the palm
of one hand) : “But what was that last, decisive hold you used
that did Uncle Lewdwick in that=time ?” “Should I try *t out on
you ? !” she asked in menassing=flattery : “You'd like that,
300 M ARNO SCHMIDT

wudn’t y’ ?—’f the ’casion ‘rises, I'll teach it t? Heahther.” And

got vext allover again; and kickt up an impatient shindy : “What
do y’ evah see in Huh ?”
“Ohauntee. — All these=demi=females, who drudge away in of-
fices all day : they don’t treat themselves any diff’ rent. It’s not
unusual for Hertha, if she’s feelin’ peckish t’ chew a whole bar
a baker’s choc’lutt and wash it down with a glassa water. Or
open up a canna=tuna, and fork=away till it’s empty : ’nd just
dry bread with it. And thinks coffee is some powder stirrd in
water — warm water, ’f you’re lucky.” (AH clappt her hands to-
gether at her mitey bosom, and sent a gaze heav’nwurds : that’s
how y’=live=in=Nohd=hohn ? !)
“Ohauntee — : just look at Her finger=tips sometime ! — And
they’re in good condition at the moment : a sighn that she’s
comparatively content; but sometimes it takes strong nerves t’
kiss her hand. — She didn’t have a happy childhood : always
among strangers; her mother, a real «merry wido>, took off for
Beauleavya early on with some swain or other. Then illness war
& hunger, FEAR FAMINE & SLAUGHTER : and add=to=that her
wretched natural disposition — her shyness is close to legend=
airy | — At least round strangers; tho I’ve really got no com-
plaints.” I concluded resignedly.
“Ohauntee — : the worst is that she’s a screw=ball. When things
finally start feelin’ rite, for Her, too; when she just automatickly
wraps her legs around you — : the first thing she thinks of are
words like <shame=less>. And tho y’ can’t exacktly accuse her
of kristchannity : it’s still stuck firmly in her sub=conscious that
the New Testament rails against it on printsipull. And I'll be
damnd,” I conclewded grimmly : “’f She hasn’t gone’n’read
Booda b’sides — <Tao» — she’s already got that face of a
pashunt=sufferer; ’nd carries on like..... ”. Gluemilly : “Once,
rite in the middla things, I even : pulld out.” / (and AH laid her
hands across her mitey bosom; and sent a gaze heav’nwurds :
rite in the middla : Nohd=Hohn !).
(And lo’erd them. And laid them, for varietisake, in the middla
her mitey lap. Toucht) : “But suahly y’ must have s’mothah
oppuhtoon’ties ? — You poe=ah, dee=ah boy=pfff !”.
“Ohauntee — : <oppuhtoon’ ties» ? : You're forgetting, *twould
seem, that I’m not all that mucheva catch either ’ny more.”
(And, seeing as she was about to act polite, and protest) : “Justa-
seck=Auntee : What am I really ?” (And now / counted it out,
 # OONDOCKS @ 301

on consid’rubbly leaner fingers) / : “Professionally ? : zipp : a

goddam inventory=controller for FALK; with 420 marx=gross a
month. — No. Say=vings, none.” I added indignantly. (But she,
pointedly : “But y’ suhtunnly could’ve saved summat, couldn’t
Viral dohty=sixe 2).
“True=true, and that brings us to item 2 : ’deed 1am 46. — And
no beauty anymore; as once=in=May.” (“Was the enda July —”
she mutterd, with the precision of passion.) / “And —” (more
softly now; relucktant) : “— I’m not all that healthy “nymore=
Auntee. Here : heart : when the weather’s <beautiful> as they say;
meaning, hi=pressure; I have trouble breathin’ sometimes.” (But
with a bluster) : “The chest=itself is still broad ’nuff, tho.”
“Ahpiffle — : «Change o’ life» —” she declared with disdainfull
confidents. (But her brow had furro’d rite up; she knew I'd
rather joke than complain. She stood there uneasily. Set about
bustling with her daintily raging stove. Reacht for some laydle
or other — or was it an écumoir ? — and askt the now empty spot
on the wall) : “y’ been t’ see a docktah ?”
(Okay <read’em & weep>; no help for it; if Auntee Heeta wanted
t’ know something, she always found it out) : “If I«keep om —
nother 5 years. Or thereabouts. If I <live reasonably», a few
more; 10 maybe, I dunno.” I added on my own, to get the jump
on the next question. — “I have noticed how gray you've got,
m’ boy.” she remarkt cautiously to her aloominumb=laydle.
(And a bit more meaning=full talking at cross-purposes — and
still Hertha hadn’t sho’n up ! / She, all tender ambush) : “’n’y’
haven’t thota gettin’ mahrried yet —” : “Let’s say : not ‘ny more,
Auntee.” / “And what y’ sayin’ is, even if she did have the time
t’ keep house — theah’d be no gettin’ huh yoost t’ it ?”. My
shruggs : “She’s not gonna take to it on her own. And Pm not
the man for it either. — P’r’aps if somebody came along with a
firm hand... ?”. And shruggs.
“Ahwell —” (AH; expelling a deep drafft of air . (And ditto in-
haling — the pro=seejur was always worth=watching. ).) : “Then
g’on in ’n’ join huh. — Meanin’ : go wash up; she must be ’bout
done by now - theah ain’t all that muchevhuh to wash. Y’got
soap ’n’ a taoel ? : Dammitall !”, she gnasht a curse, and kisst
her fingertips with a hiss; (she had tried to pry under the lid
without a hotpad).
And suckt angrily. Thru her fingertips : “I jist dunno — : whethuh
we’uh not all on the vuhge 0’ making | fat=foolish=misstake
302 M ARNO SCHMIDT

heah. —”. Even more vexxt : “Now shoo : Kasser Knowver ! —

And I’ll have a talk with yoah young lady latuh —”, she called
after me, contrite... .
: And from HER throat came a bookay of breath. (Jygantick, her
hands & feet, like Queen Loo=ise’s) : “My Kween!.. .” (There
was still just=time=enuff to kiss a remnant of hi=thi.) /And was
about to let out another skreetch. : “Hey, ’nstead of r’ceivin’ the
honor with a smile !”. And, before she could collect herself,
moving rite on (and so smartallicky that the steam simply
turbulated from my throat) : “You'll not forgive me ? — : Au
fein : I forgive me m’self’n’I !”
She had to smile a wee. : “All I’m tryin’ t’ do is cheer y’ up,
Sweethertha. — C’mon : 1 more, all lady=like —”; (nd a crabbd
1, like a comb in a brush ! —). / “Well : a lady I’m —” she started
to gasp. But I was alreddy shoving her out the door : “Flyaway
home ! : Auntee Heeta awaits you. — ’nless you wanna soap
me=down ?”. Pulling off my p’jama bottoms now too : ?; (she
fled at once, as if dazzulld, thin, silky, all <dressing=gowm :
spatter dabble polkydotty, dichromatic and plaid.)
And wash quick as a flash — damn=was=it=cold ! — at the pump
mouth. / And I gave m’self a talking=to. And replied to me po-
litely. (Also gave m’self a slap on the butt, for an asspecially
nasty notion.) / And alreddy drying=off uptop. (And downbelo=
He fumed : litter=ally : fumed; that’s how icy cold this cathouse
was !). / (Outside, your usual dapple frost <Before Dawn :
cloud=lackeys in liverry of red & gray. Thru misty panes with
water=crax : as is only proper, where a couple have washt.) /
(Just get outta=here now .. .)
(The eavesdropper by the wall) —/: “fa pot’s boilin’ y’ don’t
dabh shake it. — *n never pick up a mug from the left. — 2 spoons
in | cup means theah’Il be a weddin’.” (Ahi : AH at work. — Or
would <Ahimé !> be more fitting ? / My own curious form of
bulimy suddenly took over; and I tried to enter the kitchen as if
I be=longd there.)
AH with bloodyred face bent lo; (which she lifted again at once
and gave me the once=over — with that certain female=eye I’ ve
never been a match for; and prob’ly never will.) / But the site of
Hertha, her brow crumbly with thot, gave me the requisite — OK :
callit=defiance; (because it most certainly wasn’t <currage> I’m
not currageous, my 6 years amid thundering steel didn’t do
it, either, au contraire. (Of course I’m capable of a kind of
 3 OONDOCKS @ 303

<currage=like> instantaneous frenzy, Who isn’t. And woe=to=

you, m’dear, should you happen to find yourself in its midst :
can y’ pickture a burr=surk man who’s run ah=muck ? : That’s
me !). And by such means managed to cogitate my way over
AH’s dismaying look. Even riskt directing my index finger at
the two=hundred pound female — something not Everyone can
do !):
“As regards that looka yours, Auntee Heeta : ’tis the purest
youngman’s fancy that moves me : I wish to marvel at my
<harem> ! —
: Mmmmmmm !” — : At the sno=white heels. Long coalblack
slax; (but nice’n’ wide at the bottom ! Not like those jeans !) Hi-
neckt blouse, black=white=vertickle stripes. : Over that a black
sleevless vest : “Mmmmmmmm !” —
> “’ve seenalllI need t’ see.” : “And admired it all with a wealth
o’ words, too, rite, Ay=Aitch ?”. — She whirrld around, all 2
hundredwaits; glad to let it out at last : “Don’t call me <Ay-
Aitch> !” : “Why you’ve got all the zipp of an Ampere Hour,
auntee.” / But at the moment she despised me all too much — my
salvation ! — to want to do anything more than teach me a lesson :
“Adm’raytion — when anothah woman’s toggd out spiffy — is
registuhd by us=women with a look of envy. — : like so: —!—”.
(and shot it off, sidelong thru the slit of lashes : very good !). :
“And at most with a suhtain motion o’ the hips —: ! —’, (and
provided a sample of this anal=gestick for my enjoyment — :
“Brahvo, Auntee ! — Mite I, for purposes of instruckting the
masses, attempt to render that in words ?”. — I mite not.)
“And have you tawt Hertha that hold yet ?”; (already in retreat.
She was about to add an intimidating clincher. But her gaze fell
on a more urgent matter. She set her laydled fists on both hips
and roard) :
Scat’ =c siumpcat7 ay =
So I turnd round again — (if it’d been intended for me, I
wouldn’t have; as previously indicated, I’m not a <pugnacious
sort>; but) : “Looka that poor ol’ kittykat — who’s helpt you
catch mice for over a decade=now” (<helpt> was good : as if
she’d been catchin’ ’em too !) : ’nd just because it’s forfeited
its tail — most likely during the performants of duty, y’ think y’
can call it <Stumpcat> to its face ? !—: Hertha !”. (And I could
depend on her applawse, sure as bombin’ & shootin’. (What a
lunkhead that must have been, by the way, who first coupled
304 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

<sure> and <bomb» ! Either some VIP without the vaguest. Or

some real hawkish <Molltke>; who was intent on the <sure> de-
strucktion of his foes — curious bunch, these Germans. Unpleas-
ant.) / And once more, just to be <sure>) : “Hertha ! —”
She bent down, ’tis true, and strokt it — and the kindly=old=gray
fidget at once stood on its hindlegs, and purrrd till the whole
kitchen rang — but dared not a word, not in the prezzunts of the
Kween. (All the same, her unspoken <yes» was palpable; so I
could continue my defents. (AH was still knockt <flat»> — tho
in actualitty just the opposite — so quick, before the wave
breaks)
“Jist pickture it, Auntee : aman, who’s lost=uh — let’s say : both
ears in your service. And you constantly, sisstumatickly call
him <Sans=oreilles> to his round face. — : You certainly can’t
taunt a faithful human with his or her frailties : tsk !”. (And we
both shook our prosecutorial heads : that’s=it Herthamine :
shake it s’more ! / She petted the cat; and J petted her — so fulla
simpathy, she didn’t even notice the diff’rents. But Auntee
Heeta gave a kittycornerd smirk, as I moved into procksim-
mity of those cream=hills. And turnd everso earnest all at
wunts) : —
: “Well, fuhst=off, it ain’t no human.” / “’nd seckunt, I’ve not
yet deprived any=body of his=uhm....eahs : *nd what y’mean
by <Sands=O’ray> I dunno; don’t even wanna know — nothin’
upstandin’ I’m suah.” / “But that’s not t’ say 'm not open t’
reez’nubble advice —”; (and stood up straiter) : “So pleeze :
gimme a bettuh name : that’s both dis=criptive and =creet. —
And while you’ah at it, x=trackt yoah hand from that guhl :
child, he’s not pettin’ the cat : Wake Up ! — he’s n ahtfull
dojjah —”, she concluded in disgusted admiration.
So stand up strait & businesslike; She pulld the tips of her vest
back down. (A skinny=fresh=cheesy=white face would’ve workt
even better uptop; with black bangs. But all the same I prefurrd
this one of Hertha’s : had an especially childlike effect with her
flowers-for-the-dead outfit. Unhappy. And besides, she had the
matching black knitted jacket to toss over the arm.)
Yesss; (and the expecktunt faces. Roundabout. — (Work, head 0’
mine; arbite, rabotta, travvaie & trabbaxhar=uhm.....2?.....?

“Alrite —: I suggest ? : from now=on <Sir Stumpurr> !” (And

arms crosst across my (mitey) chest. And relisht my tryumff,
 3 OONDOCKS @ 305

given Hertha’s happy nods; more than once. (Yet p’r’aps just
a trayce too much a matter=of=course ? She was defeanately
too=’customed to the fire=worx of my ess=pree : if I didn’t pay
tribute to me m’self now & then — others certainly wouldn’t
either.)
(Or would they ? : Auntee Heeta ? !). — She strokt her tummy
with her mitt. (Whata mitt. : And whata tummy !). Some gnash-
ing inside her mouth. Then she slo’ly said, (no : tried out ! You
could hear it in her voice : victoria ! ! !) —
» “Suh Stump=pah> ? —”. And cast a magnannymus eye upon
her gray & merry x=ubberrant proddigy. That now had sitch’n
ell’ gant name. — : “Wellsobe’t. — If y’ say so ?. . . but we ahr
gonna have a spotta coffee.” —
ee As - ?—; “It’s plenty strong enuff for you=two !” she said
menacingly; upon reading the contrary in our prominent fea-
tures : “You’ah not in Nohd=Hohn heah; wheah y’ jist stuh a
dibble & a haffa pounda powduh in cold watah=oah=what-
evah.” / But Hertha now fixt a full sober=innocent gaze — I'd
never’ ve thot her strong enuff — rite at her : “But if you haven't
got time —” she asked : “’nd have t’ get t’ the plant ? Or work
nites if y’ wanna keep your job ?”. (And AH was so toucht she
ran rite over alongside her. And brusht her rough giant hand
thru the red urchin hair. And swore like a troopah — it sounded
like some <stochasstick text>; with terms like <absuhd unhellthy
ni=eef cray=zee & nohd=hohn> mixt in permanent jumble : very
impressive; we could only nod.)
Took a resoloot seat on her chair opposite=us. (Hertha beside
the tile stove again — she’d certainly add grace to any tile=stove
t’day. And AH took pleasure in the appreciation shown her old
infurnall engine. (Which, by the by, come winter, ’d allow for
the wickedest x=cesses — “Whacha starin’ at ?” she askt, AH
did, at wunts susspishuss; having phollo’d my gaze; and appar-
ently having also arrived at a cum=bination of Hertha Stove &
Me. Disdainfully : “Oh=you. I know well ’nuff what you’ah
thinkin’ ...”. Me, cool : “Then you oughta be doin’ a nice piece
of blushing, Auntee Heeta : silent blushing — my Miss Black=
white=&=red Sunshine here can give you a demon=straytion . . .”.
~ (“’ Twas done with woefull ease : y’ merely had to give her a
sharp look, your face all critticall brows & a saucy trap=ozoid
mouth; your head cockt back, a bitt impurtinantly — ? — and the
pitifull thing’d turn a shaky & coquelicot hue.)
306 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“Jist keep that flappin’ trap a yoahs shut for ten sekunts, would
y’ ?”. / (And after brief callcuelation) : “It’s seven now. Gives
y’ a good houah. Moah : I won’t be reddy befoah eight=thutty
suah — : We ahr drivin’ to Celler, ahn’t we Hehther ?” (She
confirmd this with viggrous signals : she had immediately in-
cluded herself, that’s what I call sollidairity !, in the command
for silents.) — : “So I’d say you=two oughta go foah a little drive
befoahhand : the weathah won’t hold long; we’ll have rain
t'day. — ’nd that way the motah’ll git nice’n’warmd up.” she
conclewded mysteriously; (she appeard to have no trust what-
evah in the wee thing.)
“Drive where ? !”. — (And gave us an indignunt lce=over :
there was no lacka sites t’ see heah in the districk !) : “Drive
ovah t’ Hankensbiittel : in the chuhtch, the’ah some queah
paintin’s on the ceilin’. — That’s wheah I was mahrried by-
theby.” she added, in passing. : “And so we should pro=jeckt
your image against the altar there ? As frail=white girlish=
blossom; myrtlings roundabout; shy=sackt eyes, forlorn &
quailing ?”. She gave 1 snort, very brief & disdainfull : “Pff ! —
Hell, I was six’n’twenny : I didn’t look all that much diff’ rent
than I do now’days !”. (Hertha was now checking her road=
atlas.)
“T’ll make a quick pitstop first.” : “Noo ! Me=First !” she
shreekt; (she was afraid even of my urine; granted, it’s said that
among viggrous men, it=too pull=youlates with spur=m’=
tizzoa : so, in=versely, it can be taken as a compliment ? —
Alrite, go on ahead.)
And then I was allow’d to as well. / Outside : | thin channel of
fee=cees; black & obnoxious. (And rite back again; the dog had
greeted me with such sincerity that I s’pose I oughta... (“Don’t
spoil him too much.”; before I could even hack off a slice 0’
coldcut.) ...: “Well c’mere; ’at’s it —’; (the poor beast would
indeed soon perish from that absurd=chain it had to drag around
with it !). / “Yep; ’t’s ’n ol’ cow=chain.” AH calmly remarkt
behind me. (So I'll just shame you this time without saying a
word, and bring him a new one <outa my own pocket»; and
silently put it round his neck : my salary permitted me | good
deed a month at least; a small one.) / AH back inside : whereas
Hertha came out; a whole headfulla thots; (y’ could see it not
just in her face; but even more=so from her hands; her giddy
knees, banging much too pointedly against her slax; her mouth
 B OONDOCKS @ 307

set in a permanent wrench, so spent was all her pink=person-

age.)
(Which nonetheless — in this p’ticklar regard remarkably con-
fidant in fact — strode to its buggy. And disappeard within.) /
Whereupon Auntee Heeta immediately reappeared at the back-
door; with steady shakings of the head & out’n’out distresses.
And, as Hertha cut the smallest radius possible; and set the mo-
tor thundering impressively; furtively : “Tellme Kahl — : how
many hohses does that thing have ackchally ?”. (But shook her
head even before I replied, a la <Don’t b’lieve a wuhd of it.)
“13 Auntee” : “Dammit, you’ah lyin’ !”. And got all in a lathah;
(she was gonna have t’ trust huhself, jist stop’n’think, t’ that
thing latah on, too !); and ran over to Hertha, who, with an invit-
ing smile, (like some airline=stewworduss : <We hope you
enjoy your flite with us today> !), was op’ning=up the front
hatch — :
: “Heahther=child : How many’s it got ? !”. And 1: “May I
translate, Auntee ? — Look, I’ve ’ntentionally turnd my back on
the car : so I can’t inflewents her.”; and, very half=over=the=
shoulder, to Hertha : “Thelady’d like t’know the ex=act hohse=
powah, darling. —’. Yes, and she was given the info. : “It’s a
three=hundred, y’see.”; Hertha, prowd. And I, now turning to
her engagingly : “You'll permit me t’ translayte ? — : There are
in fact other IsETTAS with a mere 250...” (damn now what ? — :
<dis=playsment> ? — I hadn’t the vayguesst myself. — But
Hertha, my priceless one, broke in, rescuing me unawares —
afterall it was her vehickull we were dealing with, rite ?) : “And
they’ve only got twelve.” (And me, all pert again) : “— uh=
horses, Auntee.” (But step lively now. Because she just kept on
shaking her head, ’zounds H & P; and seemd curious to learn
more technickle datta : “You can ask Hertha all about it; when
you cruise off t’gether t’ Tsella later !”..... )
(And sink back in fake ease — into the <sui=side=seat>; I thot of
the term ev’ry time ! — and the road=atlas forkt across one mitey
(slater=) knee. And an ex=pecktant smile. (: The gate was open
wide ‘nuff, wasn’t it ? — It was.). / : “Abduckt me with élan !”.
But first my trout=in=black provided guyleless assurants -
“We’ll be back in no time, Auntee : I’m punkchewall.” (As if I
were not. : “Hey, what’s got into=you ? !” — But she was much
too bizzy, at the corner, to pay this more than the most
superfishull cognitive attention.)
308 M ARNO SCHMIDT

: “Hey Hertha — she’s watchin’ us go — : couldn’t y’ maybe do

a sho with all your rear lites ?”. And she gave a sweet smile; a
snappy nod; and took to the flix with zeal : ! / (Fine. In fact, very
fine. — : “But don’t x=aggerate. C’mon now.” / And, slick as a

“Heylookathere — : isn’t that <Balder the Bookbinder» from

yes’dy ev’nin’ ?”. — : ’Sindeed; ’twas he. And still wrappt in
his role, too; (or p’r’aps, once again; ’nother p’fohmants
s’ev’nin’); had hookt his thumms into his ’spendah tops; and
inspeckted us, with hawty=swollen eyes, as we rolled off to our
sins, aS IN THE DAYS OF THE COMET. (And she was about to head
into profunditty, a la «Was that just yestuddy ev’nin’ ?>. > “Y’
see, look how time flies in the cuntry, Hertha.” — “P’r’ aps cause
it’s all so new.” she presented as sly conjecktcher. (<P’r’aps>
was good.) / But ’twas remarkubble, as always, what she,
painter plus chauffeuse, managed to see : nothing got passt her,
peeriodd ! —
So that she also saw how the torso=tops of the farmers’ wives
bust=ulld impassively above their blazing pickit fences. (“‘T
knew a farmer once : if he needed some lite, he would’ve ig-
nited the next=best pine tree. — : You do know, don’t y’, that
some speeces 0’ flowers close up when farmers pass by ?”. —
Clurrgy, millutairy & lawyers as well ? That I don’t know.
Quite possibly.). / In the willo’d pastures, little sandyhued
Norweejun ponies ? : “Yeah; they’re tryin’ ’em out here. I'll bet
they fit rite in. & make’emselves at home.” / Elderly cyclists
pursuing their way, young motor=scooters pursuing each other.
/ The wood’n’ pointy belltower bside the church ?. : “Hey, don’t
give me this campy=nelly stuff; call it «Hallmark of the East=
Heath>.” / And now that town, too, lay behind us : turn=off,
heading strait east : and into
the sun=rise ! — (Where things turnd wild’n’riotous 0’ coarse,
like at a smorgasboard; upstairs at the Clouds’ : one flung her
gray coat, quite the Grand Dame of Air; in robes of air. One was
vending ver=millions. The gray O’lady was putting on make=
up; (and it ran at once : serves y’ rite !). Here a fellow lay
convullst in his own blood : the red sun oozing out behind him :
 B OONDOCKS @ 309

— (but she made that hippocratick face 0’ hers again; and I clev-
erly transformd the <Battle of Waddekath> into an epick=gram;
USUWZULZ
“Name found in Karl May : the beautiful chieftain’s=daughter
<Jis=Tiz= Tiz>.” : “Which in German means ?”, she wanted to
know rite off. — : “Hmmm : Pot=tawatt=tummy, my girl; mean-
ing <She=has=the=biggest=in=the=county> : we do understand
one=another ?” : “First give me your <eppygramm>; then the
testa.
:: “And early Buizps the sun its scarlet stair —: but takes it DOWN
again at eventide.” (<And coats are warm, as is the nature of
coats» — she was in=fackt satisfied with this ! (Granted; there
aren’t any greater profunditties at the bottom of our callendur,
eitner.)-):
(And endlessly=strait, immeasurably=empty, the narro asphalt
ribbon before us. / She did not turn her head; nor ask a direckt
question. Simply said, musing —
: “WHAT was coming into view ? — What’s the name ? Of the spot
theyre landin” =” 3).
Ane “Ahh, no : not 10 miles=now !” (But were we ever hi : at
last I could see the famous <bridge> twixt capes LAVINIUM and
oLivium. / And onward, across YERKES.)
(and sints she was braking)
a aie and shot down at such an angull; I automatickly went rijid
on my hard seat next to his : only comparison ’d be Dillert slam-
ming his way thru the flaming=flak on Iceland ! : “No fear : the
bottom of PICARD is 800 yards belo the levella MARE CRISIUM :
we’re just slammin’ thru 2 escarp=ments. —” (All the same,
<slamming=thru> !)
(Morning rose thru layers of mist. The naked skinny giant=
birchess shivered with shame. — : “No wonder : with you starin’
at it. . .”. And gazed at her quiv’ring arboreal sister with still
greater simmpathy.....
fe has while=mean=while I, equally=bold as possible, peerd
belo, over my pretty=shod feet. (Ahyes, if only in reality a
Brown=hilled awaited you there, or some such wacky jiggler ! —
And now the bastard gave it a coupla hard jerx; (intentionally, I
guarantee; so that I mite then celebrate in Congress the chal-
lenges cruisin’=round like this brings with it, and very possibly
propose some special rations, huh ? : but you'll be sea=sick be-
fore I am, Pi=lot ! (I admit my corndbeef was coming back up,
310 M ARNO SCHMIDT

but stomach=jooses hadn’t dissolvd it enough for it not to taste

rather good a second time : Thanx=Pylutt ! F’rall I care, do it
AAI.) Sree:
“Taste=less subjickt —” came the whisper on my left. And,
more intents : “Ther’re times, Karl, when y’ can turn a person’s
stummick ! —”. And pulled to halt on the shoulder; with tears
in her — (how did Trak] put it in every 2nd poem ?) — <round
eyes». /: “Are those real ones, Hertha ?” : “They’re real.”; she,
muffled; (and indeed so muffled she couldn’t have gotten her
voice any lower; so prob’ly genuine. — As a modern woman, she
dried ’em with a Klee=Nex. Then shoved her pocketbook back
into the car’s pocket, in the door ahead.) / And raised a sigh —
and/or breathed <deep>; the result was always the same non=
heaving bosom — and managed a <funda=mental question> :
“Isn’t it bad enuff, really, when that sorta thing happens to you ?
—It happens, I admit, off’n enuff in real=life. : But does an artist
have t’ describe the=like ? ! —’. (And shook her head in despair :
Thanx for the <artist» m’ love; if Iwere One, I’d go hang m’self !
The word <poet> makes me nauseous : how honest & hardwork-
ing the term <writer> is in contrast. We oughtta go even further,
and create real robust=crude words for diligent literary workers :
<word=cutter> or the like; (anna=log to <stone=cutter>). But let’s
take carra this=matter first. . .)
: “Sweetherta. —: a!) —” (and this was the left little piggy) :
“Are we t’ blame for the biologicull absurdity of this world ?
We’ve x=changed words on the matter often enuff before.” /
“Bee !)...” (This one has roast beef) : “Don’t y’ need informd=
knowlij of how the world worx in order to cope with it ? Ought
one not — in what is afterall a rather tender form ! — learn, : what
all one can expect in life; *nd how, onnacasion, it may even
smell ? Sometimes, I’m afraid, you stand there lookin’ at kotex,
toilets & malest members, forever howling & freezing & getting
shockt allover again : listen, there’s /Jots worsen that ! — It’s
enough sometimes t’ make y’ want to go mad; you truly=do=
not have t’ tell me about it; it’s <a given>.”
“Nono, Hertha : if infurmashun o’ that sort is provided with a
fair amounta humor — that is, gingerly : you can be downrite
grateful |!— : There are, depend on it, still cee=ee=and=dee;
butieeuer:
a first I skitterd 10 paces into the open; (my hand idiotically
presst to my helmet=visor; ’sif Ihad to keep my mouth shut —
 # OONDOCKS B 311

you don’t dare ex=pose y’self to these=guys like that !). Forsst
my way, sidelings, thru those everso tricky=narro doors; and on
into the
house=sized plass=tick=dome, (which served as a combination
home, base, spare=parts depot, air=rezzyvwar for the feeld=
troops. (Presumably sundry other things too : these squads truly
did not have things easy !) —
“So then, Mister Hamp=den .. .”; (the base=commander was
briefing me) : “. . . uh=at present, the two surveying=d’ visions
are procksmuttly=uh : 30 miles from=here. A marching=time,
then, ’s’if it were barely 6; you’ll be there in an hour’n’ahaff
with no trubble. You’d best curve slitely t’ the south. ..—: Yes,
lean it ’gainst the wall=there, Miller . . .” (A sub=altern had
brawt in a flashlite rod, and an endlessly=long vaulting pole. To
replayce my leadshoes, I was given ones with cork soles, <for
maxximizing speed>.) / Meantime he had bent forward slitely. —
Softer; and impenitrabble=confidential, (unpleasant, really !):
“uh=’n case you : curve slitely t’ the north —”; (his, provoca-
tively long, pensil — wellyes, they did get special issue=here —
described just the opposite direckshun however; can happen) :
“_ ’n case you=uh should miss our troops ? And=uhm=uh just
happ’n to penitrate the <Scatterd Forces Zone . . .”; (he lifted a
forensick hand.....
(“Meaning his left. — : in his «rite» he was prob’ly holding the
Pens CcTeCKtsh em.
Eve 828 his <left> it was, as a matt’ra fackt) : “To err is human. —
And ev’ry single circella, down t’ the smallest : those in
p’tickular !; : can be important ! — And then you'd just have t’
cut back a short distance a second time. —’. / (And nodded
encurrijment. — Pensive me, a step back : so they’re looking for
teeniest craters with a central peak; ’cause they may well be
bowl=shivvized ?). / “— as such, forbidden, acourse.— Pff=GOd,
a li’1 dee=tour —”; (Him, once again; and so offhand=urgent — :
Whata buncha cumedians we all are ! —
(2 heavy nods. I affirmative rub. (On toppa my left thi. And I
suckseeded in airing my depraved self even as I sat — : “Ice=
again=Hertha ! — You'll be amayzed .. .
Peahes rite, the suthern=sektor is subjekt t’ constant very=odd
foggs.” (This=guy listend with considrubbly more intrest to my
Eysenhard=Aneckdotes, which I could work in easy now a 2nd
time. Nodded genially; (his lo’er lip extending amazingly as I
312 M ARNO SCHMIDT

lecktured). : “’t’s p’fecktly . . .” (here his mouth went all pointy;

he set it more asskew, and weighd more smugly) “. . . ’sindeed;
that=uhm can’ve been a legitimutt observation. Picture it : a
swarma meteors plows up the surfuss=dust in a mare ! ?: ! —”
(with a jerk he flung whole handfulls into the rarified air; very
convincing. Spread his shoulders wide then, and shrugged both
aforesaids :. (As noted : the born shar=I’tuns.. .) .).
“By the way, don’ underestummate the size of Our MARE CRISIUM
here : ’t’s as least ’z big ’z Mizzoura; 330 by 250 miles. — But
you'll be in unbroken raydeeo contackt. You’ve got the=uhm
3 freakwentsies, rite ? : GLASS=TOWN, us=here, and the survey
squad ? —: natch.” —
And outside in my space=soot now : a thrust of my alpenstock
for the starting=leap... ? —
(automatickly hit the starter=button, she was so cawt up in it :
it’s what they call freedom o’ the will! ...
Seen (Wait a seck. He wanted something else. — And tune in
the freakwensy on the dial at my chest... ?...: Ah; here’s
some ragchew : “.. . sought the danger. : <seek=sought=sought>.
— Gramotny ? —” : Damn, it was the Rushuns ! (And were giv-
ing American=lessons : “Gdyeh vy skryvalliss : Where have
you been hiding ? — : Gdyeh: .. .”. / But had to consintrate;
I'd totally forgotten my Heinie=here. He was getting nervous,
fummbling around at my belly. — Click : click — : Ah, there
VearOuse)
: “The dust layer— : never gets deeper than 10 to 20 intches. At
most 30; but that’s quite rare. - Okay : Have a good trip. —”.
(And lifted his manudiscus, a la <Get a move on» !).
And off 1went; the local map in the cuff, of my left wrist. ....
(and offwe went; she automatickly steppt on all the rite buttons.
/ And we rolld again for a piece. / And brought us to another
halt, and cried : “Hey, you got the tele=scope at the reddy,
don’tcha ? ! —” (And I sheepishly grappled around me —
dammit=no —) : “F’ got, Hertha.” : “There’ll be all kindsa deer
now; jist watch.” (she; disheartend. <Dis=hart=hind : Quick,

vee nother short 10 yard=leap into the air. And scan — (i.e. :
<into the air’ was purely another nasty=old habit). (And my
map=here, even the simplest <bearings> weren’t all that easy. — :
Here, at my back, picarp; clear enuff; you’re tellin’ me. /
Whereas that very=distant crater rimlet, or whatever it was, lay
 # OONDOCKS M 313

more’r’ less in the secktor they’d direckted me to, true : but, in

my modest opinion, way too far to the left? . . .). —
Aeh=whatta=joke : here map; here north. On m’left here the
jagged=rockspur : ruffly correct ’tanyrate; no trouble getting
the resta my bearings by radio. (And the surveyors’ hi plexi-
glass tent=tops — and/or yurts — I'll be able to spot those shortly
with my tellascope.....
(But I hadn’t done well there : letting the little word <tellascope>
slip out again, escape, depart, desert me. Because rite=off she
lookt askants; she fretted, and nodded angrily : at=me ! — Turnd
lythely more 1=sidedly; like her friend just=now, the birchess;
(to be sure, she had no wind for an x=cuse). And protested :
“Nunna that ! —: No telescope — but ‘nother kiss ?” (and, rising
to meaningfull=gen’rallities) : “I'll only give my heart to men
with tele=skopes .. .”. : “Aha ? ! : So that if the direcktor 0’
Mount Pallomarr were to sho up — : he could hang on ’n’ suck,
huh ?”. (And she gave an elegant flutter of the eyes; and vampt
her mouth for all she was worth: !. / Jell=us : “Y’ never made a
mouth like that for me.” She merely gave a venal shrugg : “For
some phello with no tele=skope ...
ies And offIgo : THRU THE DESERT ! —/ (And left really lovely
trax behind=me; as I bounded along, at a corky pace : <Like a
g’=zelle> they woulda said on earth, rite ? —). / (: Or no : <a pan=
thur>. Sure : a pan=thur ! — So I bounded along a bit like a pan=
thur : <the slater, a mighty man is he>.)
But soon got tired of that — these panther=bounds really did
your calves in — and strode forth again with normal=decent 6=
yard=strides. / The deadly silents is remarkibble, isn’t it ? (Where-
by, to be sure, your pounding heart and humming ears ocu=py
the fore=ground — curious x=pression; I’ll have to watch how I
order my thots. Was like this, presoomably : the ears, outa pure
bore=dumb, were list’ning to themselves.) —
Large greenish splotches in the powd’ry sea ? : It was now at
least 1 mile wide. (The dust=layer seemd a little deeper here,
too, rite ? — Give a probe with my rod; (locating the «sufficient
root» with my sufficient rod)...... L2a4:
What’s this ? : It almost disappeerd ? | : Is this His <at most
dirty intches> ? / And on the rite, no less; ’zounds lunarithic &
lunabathic ! (cLuna=wrythed & Luna=bathed> : Jay=Ey=Spurr,
pray for us !). / Just see to it that I get down off this toxigreen
junk : bounding again like a pan=thur ! Even wider arks than
314 M ArRNo SCHMIDT

before. (Now I knew, too, why this rod had that silly <plate>
round the bottom, like an antik ski=pole !: Outahere..... )
And back at last on honest gray=ground ! — (Hold it : was it
really ? I had become awefly misstrustfull at this point.....:!:
It was. Barely 15 inches deep here, real hard rock=pavement
underneath; so y’ see.) / And the <dusk» had become pretty
damn obvious=hmm. I rockt my space=head testily : these
14=day=endless nites=here were truly noone’s friend : nought
noone nowhere ne’er ! : The doctors always had the worst cases
of deep=pression to deal with then, <Lapp=Disease>. Even
Us=sorts grew more peevish; despite the fact that one possesst
remarkable thot=reserves ....
(“<So I got a good edjucation> . . . ?” came the obligatory=
sardonick suggestion from somewhere .... .
si-cude Hmmyess. —/ And take another cozy lookaround all the
same —. (I had to give myself the command twice tho : now why
was that ? — OhIsee : because of the green pow’ dry=abyss just
now. Ahwell; I can hop up onto the next=best=bulky=bolder.) /
And I purrformed the hop so daintily — (behind, belo, me the
dust floated a while most sub=missively) — downrite chamois=
like : Vivat capella hampdenii ! All I lackt were horns & rutting
Clan mae,
(She was about to blo=up at the term, which I grant offended
her virginal nose sumwhat — : “Just simmer down Hertha :
*sindeed : it does have something to do with the stork... ..
ee (thot ofthis too : y’ could actually raise your own «tuft» on
your chin; and stick it on your hat lateron..... and let my mitey
shoalders sag in a gloomier droop : not | of our kids knew any-
more what a <hat> was. (Frazes like «keep it under your hat> and
<bury the hatchet» were grajully and inevitubbly losing their
original meanings : presoomably Hutchinson was quite rite with
his everlastin’ motion for radickle changes in orthogruffy — but
who gavea.....
She was still chewing on my «rutting gland>. (And got even an-
grier at that innoscent mettafore : “Chew=on=it y’self !”. And,
shifted gears, with equal precision and pique. Because prop-
erly=numberd houses were approaching now on earth. We rolld
more slo=lea. She clickt her x=quisite heels t’ gether.) / “Say,
here’s the church already. — Sure : that’un=there, the longish=
yello’ish ediphyslet —”.
She pulld to a mute halt at the stone=curb. Under half-bare oax.
 ZOoNDOCKS Ml 315

And did not climb out. Sat there all to herself; and spoke glumly
to the steering ring —
: “Sometimes you get me t’ where I wanna put an end to this. —
*m never sure where I am with you : on the one hand yéu don’t
need anybody; y’ can amuse y’self with your own head; this is
just 1 more x=ample. And when it comes t’ love, y’ have to talk
thru ev’ry de=tail a what you’re doin’ with somebody .. .” / And
raisd her head; and continued with her old gaunt gravvity : “You
don’t have a soul.” / Snappt her mouth shut. She sat there star-
ing ahead, thru the big windo, out onto the street : y’ could see
the gaping lad behind his gaping lass; (who took on a double
smiling face now : for him, too.)
. “Y’see. — It’s the same old thing allover again : a brilliant ob-
servation — but cold’z’hell & quick & all from your innaleckt :
it all gets scrambled up so slick & snazzy & sassy, like traffic
zooming thru a major intersection.” (And with the equanmity of
a suicide, shruggd those small red shoulders. — Good thing, she
was quite unaware of the added «red»; otherwise she prob’ly
woulda gone t’ battle with me again. No prob’ly about it,
def’nit’ly : but I happen t’ take a cannibble’s enjoyment in
biting into a <fat white shoalder>; or hungrily <gunzling a red,
bony forearm in my mouth — a turn o’ phrase in which the
<gunzling> would most likely drive her crazy : whereas I’m re-
ally just 255 2 )
“Whereas on th’other hand you’re fully capable of buyin’ the
dog a liter=wait chain with your own money. And you'll do it;
I know you.” / Sat there more sturdily, and made perplext
motions with her head. : “Wha’d I do t’ deserve this : having t’
spend my life on a merrig’ round ? —”. (She meant the earth : not
bad !). And directed 2 suspiciously vacant eyes at me : “And
then fall into the clutches of phella like this! . . .”. (Quick, snap
up that li’] hand) : “Hertha ! —”
“Hertha, ’f it’s so re=pulsive t’ you — : maybe I should castrate
m’self ?”. (Best wishes : Your Gelding. — But she shook her
head all on her own) : “So y’ can be totally inhuman, rite ? And
not see ’nything atall in me. — Just wait : I'll prove myself wor-
thy of you —”; and pulld herself around smartly, enerjettick;
(and she did have pretty muscles, that I knew; all the same, I'd
’ve loved to ’ve seen it rite now : in this poseition, nude=
at=the=wheel, had never made her ’quaintance that way.
(Prob’ly never would; whatashame. For it was anything but
316 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

per=ver=shun : somehow it would’ve taken this world’s scurril-

ity to hites of absir=ditty; so hi it would’ve been more bareabull
again. — P’r’ aps she mite give it a try. On some wouldland=lane;
or a most deserted beach. Or, whatthehell, in the closed garage ! :
If I could just make it really cleer to her ? — But she wasn’t much
for <cleer> ....))).
(And that facial=xpression=now !) : “Hertha! —: What would
Lavvater say. —” For she certainly wasn’t weeping. Much more
like a growtesk grimmace at me. And hurld a spear of tung my
way too : ! / “Let there be nite .. .”. And she nodded, after first
putting her pleasant features back in order, knowingly : “That I
can b’lieve : either it’s blassfummy uptop . . .”; (at once I re-
vealed an int’rested face, eager to kno how she’d formulate the
<while=downb’lo> : ?). : “That’s all y’ can do. — Open the door :
get out, you in=human !”
And so prop my stiff=legged way out. (And help her : I didn’t do
allthat bad a job rumpling my stilt=skin, whereas she hung in
helpless balants in the gape. In the midst of which, even had the
gall to warn with apparent indignaytion : “Well c’mon, Herr Ta :
it’s gettin’ cold t’ no purpose . . .”. And rumple icily —).
Then when she atlast ex=itted, her breath moving grace= &
speed=fully, (wind=force of 8, at least), took her by the well=
bred hand. She appended a remark : “Ill not curse’n’swear
now, cause I’m bout t’ enter a church. But afterwords=Karl : Oh
then t’ will be horrible to hear !’””. (But left her mittlet properly in
mine — : yes, even shoved it in deeper sti// ? I at wunts gave it
much caressing for this.) And we strode, hand in hand, like
Hanzle & Grettle, toward the horseshoo portal... ..
(Stop : “Yah ’nd the guy=uptop ? Meantime, he s’posed
to... ?”. Her brow wrinkld aviewing now, she gave a nerrvis=
tents nod : “Lettim get a move on.....
easase and the take-off leap to continue my journey : ! (And as I
went along, cast a glants at my wristwatch : really made you feel
like an earth=baron : & quick my hat & walking stick....
Among the doughty pilasters at the entrants, she came to her
first stop — : “Heylookathat, velours ! —’. And gave this bit of
wall a look that... : a look such as /’ve never tasted from those
eyes ! / 1 in fact saw nuttin’ but moist yello; spottily trimmd
with pale green mold; most intriguing, the round fist-sized red
patches where the brix sho’d thru the bankrupt plaster. But it
would ’ve been barbarick to cast a cloud o’er such bliss; so I
 4 OONDOCKS @ 317

waited with all my mite until the new fabrick pattern had been
noted & appropriated. (Meaning that in manya Federal German
locallity, a few pitiable teenettes would soon have to run around
wearing little wash=frox of it. And/or housewives in similar
aprons; ’zounds cowls & dagged fashions.)
In the narthex : stairs to one side : almsbox; (with pampflutts;
(I'll take 1 afterwards). Thru the swinging doors, you could now
hear muted organ=pracktus coming from inside. (Which, how-
ever, aS we made our way between pews down the (oddly narro)
aisle, broke off in curiosity. (But during our stay grew remark-
ably louder & brasher. And finally broke into a snappy corral —
but out of curtessy, we rockt our heads in time to the musick :
One=two=three : One=two=three : La=hau=da=mus : We’re All
fanatix in 1 way or another. / Thanggod Hertha had no need
for <pra’er-bonin’> as she termd it in her splendid=robusty
Silesian.) —
In deed it was in fact remarkubble ! (Even if not “Her=
ironny=muss Bosch —” as she greedily huskt : “Ah go’on ! —
Bosch bosh !”. / We wandered about, our heads in our napes,
so that our faces lay wearimost=horrizontel; and our gazes
wandered, in union, from heaven. Thru the world. To hell. — So
let’s start with
HELL ! : on the left a stand of the loveliest Luneburgian junipers,
like one we’d seen on the <drive> just now, rite after Great Cain.
/ Then 1 dozen naked damnees. (Who, understandibbly, shrank
egregiously from the flaming bluster of the jaws of hell on the
rite : they had not picktured the consickwentses quite this way
when kicking back 1 too many gins. Or xseeding propriety’s
bounds when playing with their lasses’ crepy=ruffles. (And
Hertha gave me | curt & meaningfull nod, a la <Take an xampull
thereby !>) : “Lookathere, the 1 clear=up=front : You do see a
sirtain resemblunts, don’tcha ?”. Who, I grant, was bracing
himself on all fours against being suckt in. 2 reddish devils
with pitchforx were loading the resta the lot rite in behind.
And blackhawks 0’ hell harpy=nized from on hi : “Not. Bad.
Atall. —”
As patent opposite, the choir of the suxxessfly resurreckted.
Once again in truly masterful triangular arrangement : broad
belo, the overlong white=billowy petticoats. Then more tightly
girded, in evzonic mode. Then blissful cheek=to=cheek
throngs, faces & coiffures. / “’n’ you think that’s how you too
318 M ARNO SCHMIDT

will oneday stand ’nd sing ?”. But she shook her head in rebut-
tal. Shruggd indiff’ rent shoalders : “God ’f that’s what sumbody
wants... Me, I’d rather not be atall : the world’s too much for 1
person.” And lookt mullin’ scowly again. And I quickly led her
on to the next coupla scenes.
: “Here : Looka that angel. — : The way he’s showing his rod
o’fire to the 7=headed dragon. And outa self-respect he’s
spittin’ a bit yet; but shying consid’rabbly all the same : it’s
obviously giv’n him food for thot : observe the question=mark
of his tail.” / The angel-in-waiting was blo’in’ his “Ev’rbody
Up !” from a lovely flat=thin crescent horn. : “Y’see : all the
angels ‘re women !”; Hertha, gloomily tryumffing at the site of
their stately p’ttrician=garb, from shortly after 1700. : “You'd
do better t’ look at the phello way down=there, on the rite !”.
She lookt. And nodded; (and he was, by a good margin, hell’s
most x=pressive aspirant.)
And here, too, a well=coifft lady — tho with curiously little back
to her head ! — who held satan=himself on a chain. A key long
as her arm in her brite=full hand. And was obviously giving
Him a talking=to : disgusting gray & fat, ring=pauncht like a
gigan=tickly enlarjd Master Flea, devouring flames leaping
from maw and guts, the phello lay proppt petulantly on one
side; — but totally at bay : she contemptuously held the chain
slack. / “I’d say : the Master suxeded in giving Ol’Nick an
x=pression of depraved satisfaction with his situation. — By the
way, Hertha, chain : let’s not forget that later !”
Creist as Jujj of the World ? : “Downrite feeble.” / Pause. / :
“You mean artistickly.” : “Blatherskite.” / But with no real
convickshun; for she was already in paradise; gazing thotfully
at Adam=up=there. : ?. : “’n’y meant’ tell me=He —”, (she over-
came her shame, and said) : “— did it with animals ?.. .”
Shudderd much. Whereupon I; with faynd prurients : “Well;
pickture a nice strapping tig’ress ... ?” And she, with scornful=
conviction : “Ahyes : You=men ’re capabull of anything in that
regard.”
Allthesame : a fine paradise ! / Each wedge of vault had its own
narro pointy tree; the species alternating. The even distant bor-
der of an arboreal background. And each trunk had its animal
cozily at ease & peeping out, eyes rite : bear & stag & cow &
lamb. : “Look how deftly it’s done ! the hind=quarters simply
left=out : bold ’n’ moddurn.”; Hertha; carryd=away; (a bit
 3 OONDOCKS m@ 319

noahsarchly delited, too). : “’nd don’t forget that hi picket

oe?

fents — they’ve restored it a little too=brown here, sad t’ say :

but it really is justplain=wonderful ! So much pastoral content-
ment .. .” (And new wand’rings in a circle). / : “Here !| We
haven’t even given this one its due —”; (altho to be sure you had
to put up your broadest hand to keep out the disruptive backlite,
from the windo.) / And I had to set the other one to my hip : now
that had tobe.....
: “°nfact I'd say, Hertha : the capstone, in terms of pure=
composition !”. / : Rite 1 tree; left 1 tree. Then the kneeling
apostle : how wonderf’ly his red, portly cape knellt with him. :
And then the angel !
“IT mean that angel !” — : Above, (and most def’nitely hi=
above !), the sun flower=face. Just belo it, the short energettick
wings : he’d have to beat those fast; no matter; he was the man
for it. Then the lumpy — “knobby ?” Hertha doubtfully — yello=
brown cloud body : “Like those <v’loors> of yours just now.” He
was pointing the way heav’nwards; barely raised & yet; as is
the wont of farmers : Thataway ! : Uppahds ! / And only then
came the red stilty legs ! : From the red of the apostollick cape.
Spread wide as portals; massive oak; (attacht belo, his shoe=
hoof cudgels.) / And stand there & marvall. (: “That li] ship
way=at the back... .”).
: “Now that’s what I call an angel of a farmer !”.
And she nodded too : “Him. And paradise=there.” (We can
give even our foes their due.) / And circumstand. And circum-
marvall. —
—:A hand on my shoalder ? — : The sexton. (Elderly; in a loden
jerkin; peasant face) : “Be havin’ a weddin’ heah shohtly . . .”
(And here came tones from on hi into the world : the wobbly
tones of bells : sure : we’ll clear out. In slo walz=time. Nod-
ding.) / And, once in the narthecks, it was worth my brite=
gleaming 50=fennig=piece; I took the pamflutt, too, as a
souvenir=<rune> — altho I don’t prize that word; <rune> I mean.
Inasmuch as crisstchiannity is not our destinée : we can give our
foe his due, “Don’tya think, Hertha ?” — she confirmd this with
a slite lo’ering of the jaw. / Then, horrifyd : “Hey, did you
pickture Auntee Heeta at the altar just now ? —” : “Pff=nah ! —
Did you ?” : “Nah; me neither. — But we can’t go back in again
NOW? fads
(First get ourselves reseated in the tsetra. And digest it.) :
320 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“Y’mean : try to digest. It doesn’t workt so fast with me,

Hertha. D’spite the mental dicksterity for which you rescently
lauded me. — : Now what’s all this nodding again, huh ? My
non=angel. —”. / Ahyes : sep’rating the brome from the chaff ? /
“Bytheby, parish registers oughtta be taken outa Their hands :
it happend to me once, a passtor who knew me well refused to
provide me with data : I <was not wuhthy of his ’clesiastical
archivalia>.” — ; “Oh=no, sweetheart !| : What’d happen in the
GDR if a padre’d dare look y’ in the eye ‘nd refuse to share a
birth=date ... ? !”; (and just some significant nods. — They can
get away with it with us, sad t’ say — I'll prob’bly never get the
zip code for Bonn down by heart !).
: Bmda=ddada Bmda=ddada Bmda=d4 : da=ddadda ! : WeED-
DING AT TROLDHAUGEN. (With us peering discreetly & steadily
thru the framework) : / —. — : ! : THE BRIDEGRUMM; tall slim &
trickt out in a Boondass=Wehr uniform, spittin’ image of the
God of War : “’t’s sumpin, huh Hertha ? !”. — But she disap-
proved with wobble head and mouth: “I think he looks more’na
little stupid.” : “Even when y’ consider the dubble handy=cap ? :
of havin’ to be both soljer and bridegroom at the same time —
’t’s almost too much for | human heart.” But she shudderd at
each mitigating sircumstants : “Just looka that pussa his ! : First,
much too scruncht. And then so dopey —’ : “M’god, he’s
prob’ bly just a farmer — y’ can’t always be using a pro=file with
such learnudd spirichewality as mine for comparison.” She
lookt at me; narro=lippt and so cold. And pulld it up her nose in
a definitive snort. And doubtless would’ve made some pert’ nant
remark as well, had not just then..... (but Lady Curious
grabbd her head & twisted it clear back to the nape : I always
thot : only owls could get it round that far ! I saw nawt but 1
curlykew ear; large, but of lovely convolewted construction,
having good thots within. And much red pelt of the rear=head.
As was my cusstom, being well=bred, I laid my lips in venera-
tion ’pon her charms; and this time with such axidental=mod-
esty, that tho she flintch everso=slitely — unaccustomed as she
was to publick *pearances — her sole murmur was “Chapplin”. /
and with that her face, ’s if hipp=notized, came slo’ly back
round) :
: THE BRIDE ! — : 6 foot tall & sno’white ! / As soundless as
pacing. / At one point she loost herself. Hoverd plucking at
her Dillert — working her arms solemnly, like pinions — and
 3 OONDOCKS @ 321

then hung herself back in place, on his. And set foot before
foot. —
“Moren likely 2 large farms are being merjd : he, 324 acres, she,
only 278 : and so — as is bucowlick custom — she’I] have to keep
her wedded mouth nice’n’ shut. And have it thro’n up to her all
the same, ev’ry day. In 10 years shell have 11 kids & 12 miss-
carrijes. Plus verycoa’se veins, prolapses of ev’ry sort, a crookit
back, and no teeth left : flatfeet she’s alreddy got.” —
(And were not permitted a, gracious, vanishing act thru the
main portal ! : No : They roiled to the left, up one side, past us.
Almost clear around. They <pivoted> — : “Y’see : Dillert. To a
T.”). /The face beside me gave a small, wistful, grin; tho some-
what too small for my taste. — Wait, a little more now maybe ?
(But her gaze wasn’t fastend on my mouth atall; but rather on
the f’toggrafer, a small man and thus all the more broad-
gestured, who cleard space for himself close-by us. Draypt his
head with a black cloth, as if he were about to sooth=say. Knelt
now behind his masheen=gun, and alternately loaded & shot.
Once even made a wild, diagonal leap forward; and, laying 2
little fists dec’ ratively to his chestlet and wrentching his mouth
dramatickly, peered into the orifuss : ?—. And back again ! (And
load & shoot.) /: “But J’m the sharlytton, huh ?”. And she, after
Somesetlexions Yess
“In many older churches, they used <suckling=cups> for cum-
munion — ’d you know that ?” : “Nope; how should I ?”; and
gave a Slite topside shudder, a la <Un=appatizin’>. /They had all
gone=now; Hertha’s int’rest was gone now too. Sat there; sort
of leaning back, hands in her lap. (And as my left hand was
about to make for that fav’rite recreational spot, she simply
shoved some air aside with her rite index finger — so : —. And I,
being well=traind, took my propperty back.) Breathd listlessly
for a while. Intermezzo of 1 sullen sniff. Then, flat & unenthusi-
astick : “What about him, the bridegroom ?”
Him ? —: “Well. — He was an ox long e’er this. Masturd the art
in the milletarry : at least for my father’s & my=own days, I can
justly claim : there was no bigger pigsty on earth, no bigger
drilling=feeld for brutality & crudity, no wider playground for
horny pettiness & infantile cruelty : than the German milletarry.
— Nowadays it’s quite=quite diffrent o’coarse, as I recently
read in an organ of the Social=Democrats.”, I added politely;
(y’ never know; p’r’aps our conversation was being bugged.
322 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Afterall, we live in a free country.)

“Thus he doth make — ain’t all that diff’ cult; Ican sho y’ some-
time should uppertoonity arise — the aforesaid 11 kids; and 12
misscarrijes; and th’other times as well, when things don’t
click. — But o’coarse : he fumballs round in his neighbore=
lady’s ecklipptick, too; and lifts the odungiferous hem of ev'ry
young dairymaid’s skirt.” / “Work he does, sure, like his own
horse : J accord ev’ry man his due !” (After some reflexions) :
“X=cuse that idiotick <accord>. I meant, to be sure, <tender>. —
Or, less pompous still, <vouchsafe>.” / “Sundays he goes t’ the
tavern. In which locale, using playing cards gro’n ovoid in
shape from long usage, he pursues the game of skat, and some-
times even the, so aptly named, <pee=knuckle>. While drinking
his good 90=proof; and/or, if he’s once again been suxxessful in
swindling a refugee, 1 less . . .”. (“<Rots’o’putts» —” the
joyamy=life mutterd; I had, on the occasion of our drive here,
introdoost her, not far after Adelheidsdorf, to this ginger=rich
lickuer of the heath. But) : “No no, Hertha. Much too x=pensive
for a real farmer : he’s not crazy ! He leaves that to the braggert
village=drunk. Or at most has it when the rich owner of villas in
Bremen mixes ’mong the hoipolloi and pays for a rounda drinx.
<Now drink, you swine !»; he=himself being weariéd and be-
dusted from his <rent-a-hunt>. — Huh-uh, Hertha !”
“Thus he doth train his mind for sport there, using the
Altenburg or Stralsunder programme .. .” : ? : The playing=card
comp’nies : c’mon sweethertha, play along.” / “Staggers then,
tho with no notably heavier footfall than usual, homeward.
Once there, «Home Sweet Home>, he thrashes the 4 of his 11
towheads within reach, i.e. the 4 more doltish ones. Goes to the
barn, and on the way gives the pregnant pet cat a good 10-yard
kick : if it’s lucky, it survives; if not, then <Long Live Krissen-
dumb !>. Quickly knocks out | of his horse’s eyes for looking
around uneasily ..... s
“Hertha=no ! :; I’m not speaking satyr=ickly : I’ve literally
lived it ! Me : mwa=memme. I had t’ live 1 decade of my pre-
cious life <among farmers». — As sure as I live by 90% bread
alone; mostly broken while on my feet at your side.”
: “Then, bowing his head, he doth take his stand next his
tracktore; and growls in dieselled delite : 4=stroke : 4=stroke.
— Makes some m’noor of his own. — : Strides then, come Sep-
tember, to the <polls>; and votes as «rite» as possible — which is
 B OONDOCKS # 323
M

certified as <political matchurrity> the next day by his <home-

town paper». — I really do wonder,” I concluded fiercely :
“which country will be the Ist to get up the nerve : to make
the rite=t’=vote subject to the passing of a, very small, guiz —
just 20 questions or so; about hist’ry geoggrafy economix
cultchure.” / And silents in the IseTTA. (Way in the distunts,
yonder, you could hear organizing : Organon Orgellooza or-
gandy & orgasm.)
“Well for ex=ampull : <If —in some future world=parliament —
they were to introduce the 5=%=rule there as well : would that
be to the taste of Adenauer’s Republick or not ? !>”. (5% of 3
billyun is widely reckond to be 150 millyun.)
: “Or : <You’re a «believing Krischun>> ? — : What % of the
world’s population, d’y’ s’ pose, is comprised by <Prottastunts>”.
(All of 8, to be precise ! : That’d knock the wind outa some
people maybe !). / (But she dismisst this conclusion; she was
even more pessemistik) : “They wouldn’t give it 2nd thot :
they’d just imagine that they had a: «monop’ly on the Truth>.” :
“But what if they were constantly outvoted ?” : “Never phase
*em : They’re only for «majorities» when they’ ve got ’em.”
: “Or=uhm — : tell me now, Miss Theunert; what do you think
of this statement : <He/she who cannot endure nakedness> —
<nakedness> in ev’ry sents : whether of things ob= or nonob=
jective — <who cannot endure nakedness : has no int’rest in
truth !» : What do you think of that statement, miss ?”. —
“Nothing, Mister Richter.” she replied politely; (and pronounst
the word <Richter> as if that were not=me, but the wellknown
& unpleasant juridical occupation that goes by that name in
Jurrminy).
(And so better=off up=on the moon : for simplicity’s sake I

the north> enuff by now ?. / (And look round : the moon=

reckurd stood at 151 feet 4 inches : but I had no need t’ be
ashamed of my pan=thur=leaps : 5 to 10 yards on th’avridge.) /
<Reading=trax> : a certain Tscharlz My ’d claimd — a good 100
years ago I admit — that he had a talent : for reading a whole
byoggraffy from the print of 1 swift kick — meaning that from
my trax he’d ’ve guesst it was an igg=wannadon .....
And 3 hours : that was a good 60 to 70 miles : Mite I not con-
sider «my dett> paid by now ? — (At the moment I was standing
324 M ARNO SCHMIDT

beside | totally sunken <cir=cella>.....

(“... like Cella —” someone mnemonickt beside me.....
BOE as the expert=honcho had verbullized it : exterior the
usual=silent, leaden=hued sand. A lo ring of cliffs, about —
hmm; let’s say a thousand yards — in diameter. —
: Yah=let’s take a quick load=off, okay ? —
And sittin’=there. (On a pummiss=curb. The face — : What’s
this with <the> ? : «my> face ! — to the west.) /: West ? ? —I mean
this map=here couldn’t be rite, not by a longshot ! — Welllater.
First, re=lacks. (And uncrimp my pan=thur legs a little. (Or was
not <uncramp> the more correct word ?.....
(“’Zounds Cramer & Schlenkert”; I interrupted my=self; and

my nylon=rope over a boulder=jutt. / (And rest. — My dispatch=

powtch was still hanging from its leather thong around my
(<mitey> ? it came flatt’ring from somewhere=within ?) slater=
shoulders.) / And just uncrimp away. (Which is to say, as per
renewed=exhortation from within : uncramp : arrite=arrite : un-
cramp.) - Hmmmmm. —
(Cross the way, in the direction of PROMONTORIUM AVARUM, its
rocky=incisors were getting dusky : pfff=the sun was in fact
already standing damn cattywampus : may you be damned,
by me !.) / And silents. (<Deathly=silents> in a certain sents,
huh ? —: That ’d be damns=silent I admit ! Hmmmmm.). (And
keep letting the pan=thur=calves dangle. Below, those feetlet,
let’em roll : thaaaat’s it.....
And once again, for safety’sake, check out all the signals — : —/:
Ah, the survey=troop. They were saying their loggerrhythms;
(t’s my job, Heinz; a man’s gotta do his job.)/..... —.: 2: Ah,
PICARD. — : they were mummling somethin’ about a <cooryerm;
that’s'me:. Very coods/< mya —:?: There !: Russian ! (Can’t
understand it. Shame=shame : flunkt edjucation. If y’ wanna be
honest about it; (granted : But who wants that ?). — Those bitty
mouths of theirs were really going at it, <bobbledybopp=a=
bopp»; and blended in with <rrrms, enough t’ make a man jeal-
ous : at least when it came to «<s they were alot better=off than
WE) alien tare —.: ): at last, our main=station ! : The <poet’s
brother-in-law» — now that’s curious, isn’t it ? : even I couldn’t
think of his name rite off; people always just called him
<Lawrence’s brother-in-law» : curious; truly is
 # OONDOCKS M 325

: well, He was giving a leck=chur : Wherein he advanst the per-

fidious theory : that humanity had committed said folly several
times over. And had had to emmaz=grate to the all=suff’ ring
moon several times. (As <proofs» he noted the <phello=plasts> —
the x=trordinary big & little cork=growths — apart from
licheniana & mushroomiana & algyiana, the sole lunar
vejjitation) : “Demonstrubbly remains of flora=uhm brought
along the Last Time, just prior to the Triassic. —” / (And showd
no shame. And in=fact the in=law utterd the word <NOAH> : the
expatriate named Noah was nawt but | of the <post=adamitick
immagrunts to the moon” that “theory demands.” — : If that

(“’f that don’t stand y’ on your head —” Miss Theunert admitted :

she’d never thot of that. : “See, Hertha : My thots always have t’
meet such standards .....
oe but it’s half=time : r’member calf=time. (For some while
now I’ve been prone t’ nasty charley=horses. Just as earlier,
when I’d been a heavy smoker. Back then. Hmm.) /: Wonder if
I can stretch out & sleep a bit ? — Better not. — Better get t’ that
odd=ball troop of surveyors : Oh=4=hahaaa ! (And a lavish
yawn. Inside my space hellmitt : nobody’s gonna see.) —
(What if, back then, you’da told somebuddy . . . try’n’ ’magine :
sittin’ on the moon; on a sellunnite=levee ! Only thing missin’
was a pummiss=bowl with milk soup. And a gold’n spoon.
Moonogrammad. . . . (: or reduced to a diet of gypsum soup by
the buckit ? : that hardens in your innards; the phello=round=
about rots off : and there <fralliturnitty>, 1 white=bolted coral=
tree proppt against the ensir=cling reef, a rib=cage slippt
down=round it; 1 ornament per island=world; I was all for such
curiositease. .. .))
But this was curyous too, the very=smooth grayish sand dome
here : now hadn’t a mound ris’n=up=there, bout a hundred=
yards=off ?/ Oh=a=hahaaa..... : I tried as best I could to think
of nawt=nix : for just 1 slice 0’ cornbeef ? ! — / (What a silly
burbulation, huh ? The way the sand.....
(And Hertha’s shining interrogant=eyes now ! — : “Hertha=
sweethertha — : may I kiss those eyes ? — Or, at least, this | — ee
(And point; with fing=gurr. But was too much for her again. —
Best thing’d be : not even wait till she finds the words : before
she’s even drudged up the x=pression commensurate with the
deed, the Ist try’s as good as done.....
326 M ARNO SCHMIDT

erase the way it burbled up round my Feet Most High, sumppin’

huh ? : reverenshull obseek=weeus. (And I graciously riggled
my cork=ovals into it; ’zounds Iskander & proskynesis. More
SLACLOUS STi) /eee ealonae
: What’m I saying ? ! / And vanisht into=myself at the jerk ! :
Managed to get my left leg up. But my rite.....
(And the pole toppled offmy shoulder ? ! Hadn’t I been leaning
against it — / (And my face gave way like an old glove; (when
the seams burst — : I swinged; and rowed round=me !) : |
gentle=slap at my back ? ! — (Oh, that was my dispatch=satch !
But that tore open my eyes : just hang=on=phello :
For 1 heart=beat=long I could still see out over the burr-
bull...?:....:(Then I was rippt into the depths !!...
ON erGAGE erly arnt nT ee
me eae
: and the nighlon=rope lasht my hands ! — (Scorcht : was I fall-
ing that fast ? !). / 1assemballd my fingers tighter. And groped,
frantick, with my hind=paws..... (1 had be=layed myself
firmly before, hadn’t 1? Yes o’course !)./.....:!!!:Ah!1 of
the thick safety knots ! Thanxbeatagod ! (All the same, I was
dangling like a seckunt=penjulumm. — And it felt as if 'd been
torn in half at the small o’ my back ! : How ass’nine !). / (Damn :
what wouldn’t I give to be back in my sighlent=piecefull

ee era
Suge (and grand=oscillation in the deranged duskiness !
(Would <gloominus> be more precise ? / And constuntly parry-
ing my legs against the pummus=ledges, whenever the rocky
wall swung closer : so I could finally come to a halt. / There :
that one ! / And I, twisted=I, had to take another kick at the
moon=ball : what an id=dyotick sitchuation ! (But o’coarse : If
the moon=ball won’t leave me in peace ?!...: ! / (Worst thing
was this being screwd=around.....:!!.....
: “sHEOL! : SHEOL! !” : — Damn, was I going nuts ? ! — (And try
another kick at the ledge undulating toward me : ! The duski-
ness was gro’ing ever groosumer; then my (<non-mitey> : as if I
need the sarcassm=now ? !) hands slippt over the Ist knot !
(And I plunged a bit further down : isn’t there some sorta rocky
plattform anywhere on this cliff=here ??.....
(What the... ?!!:atall white figgure ? That made so bold as
to hover=round me ? (Plucking rite at me, wasn’t it ? !)./:
 3 OONDOCKS B 327

Damn, what’s this with PRAE=COX : OUTAHERE ! — : “Shoo,

bosh=dammit !)
And still hov’ring all the same. : Round=me. : And leapt at
me : ? : Damn, whatta snatcher ! : “’re you stark-raven

: Pecking at my shoalder ? ! : I leggo now with | hand. And

shoved=off with it; and my two <free legs» : ! / (And slid deeper,
natureally. Tho the entitty was moving away. : Damn, weren’t
those shreekings I heard ?!.....
eset cae
(And it got murkyer & murkyer : “Will you get=away from
me ? !”)/ And had lost all my enurgy : and my quiv’ring fingers
skittered passt the last safety=knots:..... (thank goddamitey
my belt caught me ! To which the end — ohshit — of my rope was
attachiziece):
(Hang & pendulate there. — : A pendulating strangulee : the
grizzly angel ! With the white matted face ! (And eyes like
radium=circles ! — It rammd its ghastly head against mine ? — :
if I’d at least been able to lose consciousness |! (But : not=me :
all I lost was my flashlite : couldn’t it’ve been th’ other way
ATOUNnGy 2 Ghar
(And swing back=&=forth in giant=elippseize : and as if inside
gray vapurrs — (cept that now & then a brite=menassing
rockwall would upproach : kick ! / And sircull=away again : it
was like some id=iotick dream.....
There ! : The White One was cuming back ! / Soundless this
time : <This=time this=one>. / Percht on the rope=above=me;
(and the morall law within me ?). Nodded. (Well, if that’s all
you’re gonna do —). And nodded more savagely.

taot rope starting to stretch ? : IT WAS PECKERING!!!.....

andflashing before me — the — oh I lasstime ! — co=zee vision
of our cave; the charming knee=on=tubes along the walls —
Joorjazz hammer rang out clear as a bell —
(it had started up again now.....
<PECKERING> ? ! — : NoDouTABouTIT ! ! ! —/ Myfist grabbd up=top. :
Above the spot ! — (and not a seckund too late : the or= per=
ny=lon — mygodd, I don’t even know the sinthetik now ! — was
melting — I'll never curse milk powder again : Soup. of the
Evening. — : BYOUTEAFFULL sooop : (the slater : a my=tea man is
hea saws / (I could form that li’lbit 0’ fist as steely as I liked : the
328 M ARNO SCHMIDT

rope began to slide=thru — to ; sliide soo smuuuthe : oh sinyouee

hands ! / (And, in my falling, not even GOd came to me — : nope :
jist the thot that I’d love to have my flashlite.....
: ahhhhhhhh—---—-.....
(and let my jaw flapp=down so ingeniously that Herthasweet,
swept along, claspt my left biceps. : “Tryin’ t’ hold onto me ?-:
too late now. : Just lemme fall . . .” / But all the same she helpt
me, the compleat comradette, out of our roundabout=crate, haff
tin haff cellofeign. And I did a little ingenious totter as well, and
stag=gurd. And she hung onto me rite away. —)
(And itcht to learn more, the beast ! — : we really have no
other weapon to combat sexual=terror LAR / Te ey ES:
Your
C’mon. —” me; with elaborate=weeriness : “Let’s scout out a
chain=store.” —
And down the pseudo=canyunns of HANKENS=BUTTEL’S rankt
buildings ! / (: You stride thru <our> towns as if amid giant=
shelving. / And she escorted me leerily : justa wineskin fulla
lies, huh ? : who ne’ertheless pro=vides your red=head with
pretty pasttimes, Nes=Pa ?. (And sets the spigot of your wine-
skin itching, too, Nes=Mokkona ? — Keep stretching yours
strides, my Zaide, with seeming indeepen=dance : ’zounds
VornécKratite. mes
ck opend my eyes again=then=&=there : | couldn't ‘ve
droppt moren 10 feet. / Soft landing, too : in the normallunar
sand=flour. Disappointingly enuff, huh ? —I was not hurt. / But
the white bastard; the speck=turr; was back=again ! — Hov’ring
round me : like a loving bride round her Dillert. And skreetcht=
at=me ! ——-
(Grabbing wildly about me : damn, ‘fonlyl..... /(And grabbd,
by purest=bred ax=ident : Cometh Reward ! : what else but the

No no : that voice ! — Ev’rybitta flashlit=courrage left me;

(and the evil angel threw itself at me, making me shrink by a
good foot. And brayed ill=willd laughter at my gibbous state.
Nibbled at my fabrick; and groannnd something back over its
own shoulder.) — :
: Damnnation — — ; wasn’t that summsortev <ANSWER> from way-
back=there ?! ... (1 headed up the next=best passage; scram,
vamoose, outahere, into the dark !). / (And some whistling from
behind me, as if on fingers. And approacht from above, play=
full & sound=less. : And was now well ahead of me ! — —)
 3BOONDOCKS mM 329

And overtook & passt me several times — I sloucht with my back

against something. (What, I couldn’t determine with my back
all that fast. But solid it was.) — And, with flashing=opaque
eyes, veerd toward me, in semi’s circles, like shreeking white
clots; eee
((Realization : And this was the worst part : How was it that I
could hear at all ? ! — Had I, as I fell, unconsciously turnd on my
radio ? I managed (man=aged : it took courage not to beat off
the screetching lingerie for even a moment !), to fumball for my
chest=control with the palm of my hand... ? —
—: This was the End ! ! ! — : my spacesoot wobbled all around
me ! / (Yes. Total flab. Ev’ rywhere : Hhhhh . .). / (So I'd been
dedd a goodwhile. Meaning this=here was HELL ? : I had, and
not so very long ago, read the rev’rund’s fakchewall report;
with ill=lustrations .....
(And Hertha, no less grattyfied than <enthralld> — (but I was
<thralling> her, too, without sircease, at the ’propriate spots, as

& babbled ! : You=Two Devils ! (And flew deeper down gassy

labirinnths : besides which, the normally amiably=plump fabrick
flimsied, enervating my x=tremmities as they made trax; I was
practickly tripping over me !). / (And promptly fell on my
vyzzer. And was whitely encircled again. And stumbled ever
franticker : the hallway=long room, hatcht with black, (here ash
brown); and again; and the screeching shreek of dreams. : DEATH

CRUISEY FICKS; this was it; I couldn’t go on. —/ (And why was I
not dead; what with my torn suit..... ei Damn ves Dwas
somewhere! !!...
Because here it came soaring down=close again; and cast-
ing my flashlite in its d’recktion, : !, the cone of lite glided
past juxta=posings — — : | — (and only misst letting it drop a
second time by a hair : «What I now saw beggar’d all descrip-
tion} see
: “What’s up ?”. (Because Coeur=Dame had posted me face to
face with a shop=windo) : “Will you please not pull such a long=
mouth — Hertha, m’girl, it’s at least — : .00006 miles long !” /
And, more impatiently, (I’d lost my <thread>) : “You wanna cas-
tigate me for something, ma béte : well, cast if thou willst ! —
And tuck your mouth up again; otherwise, ’m fully capabull of
330 M ARNO SCHMIDT

expressing IT in parsex.” — She wispurrd : “Not so loud ! The

mail=man’s lookin’ at us.” : “Oh, ’s he got somethin’ for
me ? !”; (and this so defiantly, I am in a humour to justle a
constable !, that she decided she’d mollify me instead. And
curious : “Okay, so what’d he see.....
+ SHELVING tall as houses ? Staxa tin=cans ? —I was not in hell !
— (Unless, to mock the damnd, they were all empty...
(But she was deeply disappointed now) : “Oh, ’t’s just this
display=windo=here.” / But, attentive and as a favor to me, she
overcame this; and forgave me; and sighed in resignation :

5 eee (keep runnin’. / Now & then beaming to my left ? : Here

they were recktangguler; and held at least 10 gallons. — And
here another spook gave me a kick in the kidneys, sending me to
my knees. — Making me furious. Reacht for the shelf; and hurld
the nearest tincan at him : Hellyes ! : these were my best weap-
ons : Come on: let’s engage=fire !)
But there were two of ’em ! — I was forced, bravest of
bommbardeers, to yield. (And now, in sheer despur=ation, not
to mention x=austion, f even began to howl : Run, run, nawt but
run ! : Wasn’t there 1 hole anywhere ? So that I mite take total
cover, ’fonly for 5 minutes . . .). / And now round that corner :
something’s gotta happen, aut=aut !, : either my last hourlet (I
was so weak I bangd my shoalder on the post as I rounded it) —
Ore:
A lite ?!: 1 cozy yello wreck=tangle of lite ? ? —- Edge=wise like
a door ? : O thou lasst spurrtt — (and into the friendly briteness !
— And round faces.....
(And natch’rally I'd kept razorsharp look=out, a past master,
surrrre !, so that we were flitting past a hardware=store — : And
into the cozy warm=briteness !). / (And round astonisht human=
COUNTS Siaementn )
: 2. And Hertha, flummixt=faced, all sense=slooces wide open,
stammerd : “A chain; please. For the devil ’mself.” And round,
astonisht human=count’nuntses.) / Rite they were. I kindly in-
terposed; ye olde charmmur. Gave the whole=trio a smile : First
you=mamma ! Then your li’! spillbendin’ daughter : !. (Y’
could see it rite off : she had the same wart beside the same
nose.) And then you=too, sissy ’prentiss : ! (You'll all be
dreamin’ of the well=billt, irrazistubbly=graying stranger for a
long time t’ come. / This apprentess=bytheby could in due time
 B OONDOCKS # 331
M

— provided GOd & the War Dep’tment granted him time — crack
a sizeable number of hearts in the heath, let’s say fifty. To put it
mildly : en vérité, the effekt of his=their charms would be
<x=presst> in other ways. (But Who has any int’rest in vérité; :
<You goin’ t’ the verrytay=sho ’s=ev’nin’ ?>). But all the same,
1 small envious sigh : I’ll be usin’ a cane by then : <lov’lyest of
trees the cherry=now>.) —
But down t’business : take on mama : “The chain’s for a giant=
owl acoarse. —”’; (damn; now I’d gotten all mixt up m’self !
What do I say . . . ahyes, sure) : “We have one, y’ see; on our
farm. — uhm=long & sturdy; but thin as possible.” / They, all
three, led us to the wall where the chains were hung. (Hertha,
deeply shamed, her head to one side, and held=low : Rise up,
my love, my fair one, for I have need of thee) :
“uhm=Hertha : d’you know more precisely, how bigaround the
one is he’s — uhm=She’s : it is a SHE ! — wearin’ at present ? :
About like this one=here, rite ?”. (But she was capable of only
1 very small=pleading unaskants glants. And then a mute nod
to offstage :.) / So I chose one 4 sizes thinner : ?. And they were
all verboase in their endoarsment : no way she could break
that. : “Not a chants.” : “Nevah evah.” (Noughtnoonenowhere-
ne’er:)
“8 yards I’d say; woodn’t you, Hertha ? — We can always
shorten it. — : Okay, ’t’ll do.” (And just pay=up quick; and out :
My scardykitty wouldn’t feel happy until we were. And even
that’d take a coupla terror=minutes more.) / And so keep on
spinnin’. (I can over=cast the more dramatick moments now
with the rattling of chains. And/or under=score them... ..
TEAS: round ? : faces ? : Ifell into round arms. (Opend round ?>
my inner=lodgicuss objeckted; meaning it hadn’t been taken
care of yet !). / And felt something planky=benchy at my bot-
tom; they presst me down on it — not me=on=my=bottom : me=
on=the=bench. / And much genial=long-bearded smiling : and
always the same fourfold=face; I couldn’t differentiate them
atall at first.
- “Shut=the=door ! : Shut=the=door ! ! —” : what=little |could
gasp, the louder I raspt. (And point & paw : ! : Cause the two
spoox were pressing back in=upon us : !). / And 1 of the long-
beards stood up; (while the other 2 laid soothing hands upon
me). And grabbd evil=spirit number 1; and lifted it — with a cer-
tain effort; had to be heavy. : waitasec, was heavy : I know, I’d
332 M ARNO SCHMIDT

had to carry ’em piggyback more than long enuff ! — up onto the
thick traverse=rodd in the corner. And then the other 1. — Laid
chains round feet
(Demonz=strativ rattling.....
Re (and my rite=hand man kept pointing, passifying. Nor
was he embarrasst by his many consonnunts. (But why’re y’
rubbin’ your belly like that, friend, amid your x=plunnations ? —
Ohisee : they mite very well’ve eaten me ? I can b’lieve it.)
(Sat there, during all that phollo’d, in their own=corner : the
white giant=owls; <snow=owls>; a good 3 feet hi; with felty
faces. Which they set in such poses now & again that you
wanted t’ laugh outloud. / And I panted a little more until I was
human again. And the trogglodights snorted. (But actually quite
cheerful & well-intentioned; that was my impression, wasn’t
it ?) Obviously glad their monot=tunny had been so pleasantly
interrupted.) / And pant. (And close my eyes a moment : I was
wasted worse than I’d thot. Much worse : but can’t bring m’self
to faint, sad t’say. And was about to toss —: I presst my hand to
my stomick; and lookt wildly about — (I can’t go’n’ puke their
holercrater Tulle
(And felt a round mouth against my own ? : Moist & not=all
that=small. — moister & moist=fter ? : “Ahhhhhh !” : and drank.
Drank ! : Damn; the Lord=Chantslurr’s Genuine : vopDKA ! ! !. /
None for better than 100 weex. (And even then’d just rubbd it
round my lips a bit; to fake a binge for the <commonfoke>, and a
surplus of supplies : saved=Ahhhh.....
(She gave the tsetta’s lock a quick twiddle. And we sank —
<Abhbbh : saved !> — onto our brite=patternd lovebench. And
some rite elabrutt panting.) / : “Hertha, mite=could I — : that
<large moist mouth» ? : So I can find the <hook> again ?”.
(Clever, huh ? !). — But that’s x=actly what she couldn’t do;
(and never would be able to, it seemd) : “Not on the street here,
Karl. — : Afterwords, when we’re outatown; on the hi=way. All
these kids here. : ’s there a hi=school here ?”. / Turnd her motor
over. / And went rigid again. And was nawt but a husk : “Oh-
lookathere — : The mail=man ! — : D’y’think he’s pholl=win’
us ?” : “Herthasweet; pff; when will you finally learn ? To free
yourself of rassculs like him, by making ’em subsirvient t’ you :
then just watch how quick he’s down the drain; just take your
CULV Gh a eae:
et cause fingers were morse=coding on my forearm: ?: ! : 2.
 3BOONDOCKS M 333

(And point s’more. And pat my satchel. — Thangod I still had it;
hadn’t thot of it until now !) —
: “Potchtalénn ?”. (And finger my precious genuwine=calves=
leather attaché case again; only one in the country; releast just
for putting on the dog. — The vodka was excellent, I grant :
warrmming ! — And once again, more out of gen’ral coziness,
some panting.) /“Potchtalonn ?!”.....
(And the face=let beside=me — you had to see it ! — blossomd a
wee, for pure joy. (Tho, to be sure, closd again : she’d have to
weasel round a fat truck. She crowfoot=eyed nervously.) / But
here came straightaway; and no traffick either. She was smiling
properly again. And proudly said) :
“Poéss=tea=yong.” (And, mistress of 13 aitch=pee, gaily set the
tach climbing.) / Not another word of <cast>. And the last eddy-
faces of town flowed past us; to the rear. That | barn yet; but
who cares. Gave her some time, too, till the next stand 0’ wood
began. But then promptly :
“Hertha ? : pon command : Out with your mouth ! — And see
that it tastes large & moist=y’hear. So I can get back into
things.” (Whereupon she formd it partickularly small & hard of
course. “Well it should come as no sirprize to you when my
future reports prove equally skanty, skinny, skraggly, rite ?”.
And received the cool re=joinder : “Ackch’ly, y’ were alot
further=along : it was only outa the goodness o’ my heart that y’
got that one.” And I, as if awakening : “Ohthat’srite. It’s coming
back me ==:
Hertha mite I — for a quick ID check — see 1 of your cream=
hills ? P’r’aps the rite=1 here ? Tho ’tis the smaller : *fonly for
the breefest glants ——.” / (Need=lass to say, I mite not.) : “Don’t
You=Women ever stop t’ consider that the best, surest way to
keep Your=Men absolutely chaste & solid=citizenly for the
eresta the time» is in fact to : —’. But She, having long since
steerd her doughty way twixt pine=needle soffits, interrupted
me now : “Life’s not gonna change all that much.” (Whatever
you say, Unnatural Miss; but don’t come whinin’ t’ me lateron
then, when whatever happens, happens..... :

acted stupid of course; pretending it came from <poach> and

<talon>. But that wasn’t my way of doin’ things : these faces=
here were just much too round for that. And here came the
roundest=of=all again with his li’] aloominumb goblet; dunked
334 M ArRNo SCHMIDT

~now wasn’t that just too friendly — his snazoola=lola in it; then
set the shotglass in front of me; and said, in a curiously high
voice : “Na zdarévye.”)
He’s a jowlly good fellow: I had no doubt of that. On the other
hand I had no intention of setting an example as <courier de
brew>. (: Or was it in fact toxic mushroom juice ? Gurgling there
in my belly ? ! : Hadn’t Kennan taught us all we need to know
about the nasty customs of the Yakuts; who ate «certain toad-
stools> from their native tundra as an alka=haul ersatz ? (Or
more accurately : only the Number One did ! : the others got
theirs then by natural <secondary infusion»; which kept its
potency, after triumphant circulation thru the bodies of all
those presents))a? ae
(“Yuck —” : a com=miss=erating VOICce:.......+.
ae eetes: “Gdyeh : zdyess : potchshta ?”; (what might <Gdyeh>
mean, given the circumstances !) / First I leapt up wildly. Slippt
outa my space suit -—: And promptly began to shiver with cold !
(Enough air here; but what’s with the temmpurrcher ? : Wasn't
that a thurmommutter hanging on the wall there ?——:?:!:
13 below ! — : And 2 0’ you=guys ’re runnin’ around in your
shirt=sleevz ? ! / Verily : these were the <Men of Iron> ! The
ones Kennan had warned us about : <The Yakuts> he wrote, <are
the only Siberians able & willing to work. : Put 1 Yakut with |
hammer and 1 saw out on the most barren tundra — and in 2
years a respectable farm will have arisen on the spot; with 300
acres <under plow>, and 46 <head> of cattle. Not to mention the
countless wives & kids.....
(: “Fiddledeedee : in two years... ?” —: | mean, a man reaps
naught but dubiety & in=gratitude.....
Mates naturally I’d blow my own horn something dreadful <at
home>. (And not=just in parr=lament : whole searies of lectures
on radio. And tele=vision : where I could demonstrate with my
hands besides ! — —--——--
(And at once a leary hasty=sidelong=glants; as chauffeuses are
wont to glants : ? / Then, reassured, since my fingers lay at
silent & pious rest in my lap : “’sindeed : ob=seen gestures; rite
you are !”’)

grousing softly to himself ? —- Ohsure : prayers, presumably;

they did still believe in — yes, in wHAT I couldn’t say at the mo-
ment; but that can be lookt up. Then, after quickly sir=veying
 - OONDOCKS M@ 335

the customs of the Yakuts..... some sorta <howling devils» y’

can bet.) / (But felt 1 dramlet less sure of myself when my eyes
fell on 2 certain=white shapes. Of which one was about to do
some caponizing with its beak : ! — So better not all too ironic a
tinge p’r’aps; when making my pre=sentation : missticizm was
damn chic among us, too. Not just at present; nope; always=
was. So better be careful.)
(Tho I’m known, o’ course, for my boldness, ’ndeed beloved &
notorious for it : people weren’t just used to my making €patante
pronountsmeants; fact is, they more’r’less demanded ’em of
me : in a well=ordered state, a wise ruler keeps 1 clever=witty
fool on hand as a mattera prince=a=pull; the cleverer & wittier
the better — best of all, a genie=ass : that way fewer folk under-
stand him. And ruler & state always have their <alibi> in matters
of free speech & ’pinions. / THE FOOL & THE FOCKS : If anyone at
all survives, They will.....
(“Ah Paul Weber —”, came the whisper of respect : Nono, my
prude pretty ! You won’t appease me with | learned allewsion :
you'll first have to learn just what words | genial thinker, tho a
martyr to his swollen go=nads, is capable of : hearken=thou to
the harrmoany of the sfears, my cold sweetheart.....
weet (p’r’aps sep’rate leckturs «For Adullts Only> ? If not
<Gentlemen Only». Lengthy cream=hilld lays : how, on the bot-
tom of their crater=de=pot I’d enjoyd the blisses of Yakut spe-
cialties, at 40 belo ? Unudderable lusts of deepfreeze flesh :
standing, on the table, with whore=frosted belly shag; (: «What
stammina he must have ! —; ’d be written on every female=face
present. (With the x=ception of Mrs O’Flynn’s; cause she hears
zilch.) : no waya knowing yet just what the consuckwences, the
good ones, ’ndeed the best, ’d be forme.....
(What’s wrong ?): “Oh=Hertha : sweet sweetest Hertha ! — Pff.
— Ohgood=lord . . .”. (Because she’d pulled to the shoulder,
mute. Her hands, despite water flowing over her face, had done
the proper steering & braking. ’nd there she sat; whimp’ring &
sobbing & eyes fighting for — for what really ? : all it got her was
more water —. — / “Oh=Hertha=’msorry ! — If I’'d known, love,
that you’d take it so seriously . . . I assoomd : | shake of your
head, and 1 of your nice=sarcastic remarx’d do the trick... .”.
(And amid comforting, try to take charge of her torso. : ?-:
Yes; she was tractubble ! : Now=nooow, hushhush. (But what a
bother women are, aren’t they ? Auntee Heeta now, would’ve
336 M ARNO SCHMIDT

reacted differently in her day; prob’ly with a prompt demand to

<prove it» — : instead, here=we were stuck by the ditch; and she
blubberd like a tub. Her shoulders convulsed : and all because
of 1 single=shabby mouthfull of words ?!.....
But, sniffle=snotting, fighting for breath, she tosst her head.
And gulpt for the good air; (while sitting up straiter; and took
such a deep breath that for wunts in my life, finally=finally, I
almost caught a glimps of something like the «swelling bosom>
famed in novels of old. (X=cept, of course, that —-how had AH
put it ? — <ain’t got mutch HEAH>.) Allthesame, the pointy sax of
her bra stuck out rite nicely. The whole A=cup. (AH had at least
an E. Did back then at any rate — I’1l never forget that peep thru
the skull’ry=windo long as I live : 10 secunts of athletic total=
body washing. Then she spotted me; made menacing eyebrows;
and as I stood there, sighcullagickly incapabull of reacting,
flung her <washrag> in my eyes : !. (So hard it <burst> against the
pane before my face; like a menassing brown=gray star : ! — at
first I thot it’d come thru the windo !.) / Then ran into the wood-
shed. And, oh most splendid wound, learnd the sceen by heart. /
Even now, 30 suns=later, I knew : that I'd had some <luck> in
life, at least that day : when «my» first naked female proved to be
the site of the White Athlete : healthy, strapping, thrice=mitey;
tris=megistos. (That I never <got> her in praxi was perfectly all
rite. Or if not <perfectly> perhaps, I could accept it all the
same.). Nono :
Peeping thru the windo=thatday was a pleasure good & true. A
Ist=class <vaxination> ! : ve never had any int’rest in insipid
bordelliana. No down-at-the-heel Circes ’ve ever been able to
squeeze their way into my dreams or extended mind=games :
some=One was already sitting in every cerebral chamberlet; (to
be sure, not AH=herself — prudish qualms & doin’-the-deed
screwples very quickly renderd her faceless — but a variety from
the same echosfear, definitely; <daughters>; some even larger,
yet bonier; some smaller, yet evenplumper; first her face then
her hands then her hair; a lusty swarm; a bevy of nereids, Lucian
<DIALOGUES OF THE SEA GODS> : a poor man he must be who in the
coarse of a lifetime does not build at least 3, 4 compleat
<wirrlds>, inclewding <mitholojees>, !)
But, I give my vote : potyTHetsm ! ! !, —/ (In my view, Cristchan-
nity doesn’t even enter into the discussion. <Highly cullpubble>
besides — I’ve already noted haven’t I that Aristarchus of Samos
 ¥, OONDOCKS M@ 337

understood more about astronomy in 250 before, than

Cupernicuss in 1540 after ? / And Christ a <noble ideal> ? : Pl
stick with STANNIE JOYCE on that one, too : voila un homme !). /
But begone all speckulayshun : Here=Hertha=Howls : H=H=H :
now I call that asspiration.) / But all the same, to recap : in this
context — meaning said <peep=thru=the=windo> — even the terms
<poetick & chaste» are justified ! Not to mention, the aforesaid,
healthy.)
(And more fiercer obstinacy seized me : aut=aut=sweet=herta !
/ 1 grabbd (we were after all <in public»), half of that non=swell-
ing bosom in my <free=right> hand; intensionally honking it,
however, well beyond the bounds customerry between us : ! /
(And — fiercer obstinacy seized me ! —: I sent the same hand on
other plundering expudditions; from=the=knee=up : this being
1 of the bonier variants. Unforchinately <paradise> itself — tho I
am a <Man of the North» : woman’s bosom being lovlier than
her belly ! — had raven-black gauze stretcht across it; ’zounds
Buna & ’lastix. Otherwise y’ woulda felt how 1 ger=manic
middle finger: 524: -)-
But that wasn’t why her head was moving on its neck, not at alle
(On the contrary : she purr=mitted ev’ry grip. Nary a flintch.) /
But sniffled all the same. Trembling & snuffling. / (Some
miss=understanding then ? Had my whole thot=tirade been
feckless ? — All I needed !). / Ah. Now. : off’ring some sorta

- “Now don’t get your dander=up Karl. — It just made me

think=back —. : To when I came west —” (to that Polack, and his
unwasht middle=finger; I know. : Prompt caressing.) / Deep
breaths. : kisslets. — (Deep=er breathing. — : harder kissletting :
pro’ bly the best cure. <Twixt> male & female.).....).: i
: “Ohno; not onaccounta that. : I know you=toowell.” /: “But it
just made me think of — : *bout how=We came cross the border,
in Februaria 46. : There was a woman lyin’ there in the snow —
nekkid. All contorted; like a ragdoll=y’know ? : and her pubic
hair was all <whore=frost>, too.” / : I'd just turnd sicksteen=
y'know ? And I saw it all — without givin’ it a thot. Sat there
eatin’ rite next to her. On a stone : we were all soo tired. I
couldn’t push my bike ‘nother step. Mama handed me a mugga
coffee from the thermos — : I could barely hold onto it. !” / “And
there I sat beside that woman : drinkin’ coffee.”
: “That’s what I was reminded of. When you started tellin’ *bout
338 M ARNO SCHMIDT

the <Yahkoots>.” —. —
(: I mean, life’s nothin’ but miss=understandings ! / We know
too little. Far too little. / (Maybe Schefer was rite afterall, when
he wreckamended : choosing a spouse only from your home=
town ? Only=She knows the streets, people, play=grounds.
Speaks the same family=langwidge; b’lieves in the same gods.
(Or, more precisely : lowcul=divinities : only=with=her is any-
thing=like=full understanding possubble !). / She had — in the
meantime; while I roominated — recoverd somewhat. Let her
eyes wander ’round without much thot: milestone=male-
hand=feelds=and those sax. Ogling the wide x=pants. / (Keen
& aware now ? (The eyes : y’ can tell only by the ajjacent
muscles=wrinkles=lashes; the eye=itself’s as x=pression=less
as a Visolet=magnifier). —
eee aneme - “Go get one. —”./(A slippa paper. — Curious : the hole
landscape was fulla leaflets ! / : White 6 x 8s. Pinkish post-
card=sizers; (some were more greenish). And wee=ones be-
sides, 3 x 5s; in that=same pinkyness. — / (The wind playd with
them. No traffick on the road. — The sun, gray tuffted jelly-
fish, was contracting. : Was the atmosfear slowly starting to
furment 7).
: «How does a man get to be 83 years old ?> : <Ask Konrad
Adenauer, Chancellor at 83 ! ? And his answer will be : ’m
proud never to have been a soldier ! —/ : An exceptional case :
few had such good fortune. .. .». / (I got <the pickcher; passt it
on to Hertha; and pickt up the next one..... )
—: <Give us a peace treety not ‘tomick weapons !...: Soljers
of the Bundeswehr ! : Citizens !: .. .» (And of course the posi-
tive thrust; for happy extended mind=gaming) : <Once we have
that, then .. ». Ergo : <Force the fed’ral govviment..... i
“Here, ’t’s yours —”). —
(The last & smallest now. /: ?/: Invurse no less ! —: “Listen t’
this, Hertha. — <Jermanny at war will be a nooklier battlezone.
At peace : the world’s commershul keystone.» — And so we say :
<Strauss must go ! / Only then can peace gro !>. — : Knox your
sox off, don’t it sweetheart ?”). —
Her sox were knockt off ! / Sat there; the dragonflyer=pas-
quinade in her lap; (in her lovelea=lap). And kept reading, now
1, now another of these heresies. / — Head shakings. — /. —. /:
“Hey. —: What is this ? !”-
(And with a supersillyous smile : Me=of course.) / : “Just check
 # OONDOCKS M 339

which way the wind’s blowin’.”. / (And new incomprehenshun.

New puzzlement. : How sweet the taste of such a helpless
thirty=year=old mouth ! — (But she resisted with a remarkably
sturdy=suckle — given Her sit=uation. — : “’nother, Hertha ! :
Nice’n’=deep !”). / (But fought it off, almost back to stolid state
again. : Half=detacht, half=tim’rous : “Notnow. —’s evenin’; in
Nord=Horn : at my place. — Where we'll have a bath=&=
evrything .. .”)
: “Why, from the GDR natch, my sly=fox ! — : We’re only 6
miles from the border to the <zone> here. /And come an <East=
wind>, they’re as quick t’ send their balloons of propaganda=
materialls our way, as we are t’ send them ours in a West=
wind. — : Compree ? !”. —
: “Ohhertha : You’ve heard it all y’=self often enuff on the
radio : How <Czech=akia> ’s protesting our <balloon=offen-
sives> again; «endangering air=space> ’nd=such. — : D’y’ s’ pose
they’d take all that without a peep ? They give tit=for=tat
natch’rally.”. (And pointing a hand at the paper in her lap: !.
(<Lap me in soft liddyon airs>.).).
And laying the printed=matter, with a typickal=lovely IsETTA=
chauffeuse contorsion, behind=her; back of the «luggage loge».
——(: I simply must have her perform these auto=gestix naked=
beside=me sometime : I’I] not depart this world e’er I’ve seen it :
y’ never get t’ watch cun=torsions like that otherwise !). / And
pulled=away resolewtly. And drove on. —
(How late’s it gettin’ ?) : “Welll — : in 5 minnits we'll be
thére.” / (And she, promptly=prurient : “Doesn’t he ever show
that slippa paper ? : The one the tran=slater had t’ write up for

bates: and they bent down over the parchmeant. — : “Vasha.

V=soki .. . ?” (And renewed happy nods. / (And the hi=voist
fella jabberd something at me; about <myassnneea produckty>;
<chlepp & kollbasss4> : ? : !/ (And one of the white=spoox nod-
ded solummly along with him; (with a face that shoulda=made=
y’=laff=really=but=y’=couldn’t); utterd 1 word in Hag=language
with a slo’=voluptuous turn of its pair of large yello=green
saucer=eyes, enuff to make you grin, (but I couldn’t : those
panther=thighs were still too sore — : that’ll make for 1 fine
chapptur in my leckture=series !).
(And the hi=voist fello was frizzling something on his nuke=hot-
plate. Making the night=spoox rite figgety. On iheinechains = 2.2
340 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

te and talking faster; (in their slo=hackt dialeckt.) / (A

nosegay unlike any that had wafted thru our US=Crater in a
long time !). — : “Yaitso garoch : mjassnnea konsserrvy 1”. With
hi-voist, sensuous smiling expanses : revealing her strapping
snow-white set of teeth : ! (And did I flintch : how was it I'd
guesst it mite be a <HER> ? — Dam=nation : I felt it, that’s all ! (Or
was said <feeling> simply the result of my unusually hearty
US=breakfast ?). 3 men : | woman ? : she’d tame *em, Miss
Bucks’em would !) —
And it sizzzled in the heaping skillet. And crackle=cackled with
sweet savor. We chuckled people=to=people. (With each
harfang adding an appropriate comment now & again : mygod
would I ever toot my horn ! ! Are you gonna get t’ know who
Charles Hampden is now. And what he’s capable of. — But quick=
spoon that soup now, before it freezes to the plate.)
Those were <keddenix> ? (The evergreens there in tubs. Aha.)
With what planted round the <feet> of the trunx ? — (Eat first
tho : t’'day was my lucky=day ! (But they weren’t bad at tunging
lipping jowling jawing either ! :
One of ’em was chowin’ down — they had exactly 4 stone bowls,
that was it : so they had to be frugal too ! —rite from the pot. (And
was given a little less — these Eastern=Folks really go in for
fairness ! — cause he’d get the tasty brown crusts. / I was at the
point now too where I'd toss the owl=giants a snack now & then;
<Feed the spoox>; well, y’ gotta x=peerients all of life.)
1 wooden=pail of frozen stuff ? — : Cranberries. (Tasted sortev
like red=sour hailstones.) / : 1 wooden pail of frozen stuff ? :
“Struganini ?”. (It lookt like woodchips from firs. — Curious re-
freshment : bluddy hail & frozen woodchips ?). / (Learnd later,
however, that it was little raw=frosted fishies; and apparently a
true delicassy : so cold it made your teeth ache. Nothin’ more.
(And diarrhea later maybe.) / But Miss Buxom disht it up for us
splendidly; and that really re=fresht my mind. And here she
came again with
: “Na zdarovye !” —/ But suddenly they were liss’ning, all=four.
Turnd very serious. (And spoke in sign langwidge, like deaf=
mutes : quick : fast : deft : slick. — Ev’rything vanisht from the
table; into the rock=cubburds.). / And I steppt up again to the
empty surface; and patcht away at my space=soot. (The patch-
ing kit automattickly made me think of the <cy=clists» of my
 # OONDOCKS M 341

earthly youth : lookt almost xactly like mine.....

(We were rolling past the inn : if I can just manage a 20
secunt bridge I'll have peace’n’ quiet. That’s if She has no ques-
tions : and so a blend of artfull=pause & pants=o’=mime. /
Pauselet. / Then three, sign=nificant, knox on the tin door be-
fore me—!,!,!—
a aa = Tnhata-knock ?2-..22Who s there 7?1—
(and nodded questions; and use both hands to point) : Auntee
Heeta of coarse. The goddesslike fullness of her face filld, and
with no trouble,1 of the litthke windopanes (: <We’re comin’,
we te comin: Old Joe !>).... «+:

Act III, Sceen 3: 1 roorall estate, with 1 daintily sputtering

ISETTA in front; 2 people tumble out of it. (Hertha, because as a
female she has to answer the call of nature, nature=ally. Me,
because this may be an opportoonity to give Auntee Heeta a few
Lapse:
: “Say, auntee : Maybe if y’ could slip in the term «sexually
unliberrated> ? — You know all about <hormoans>, o’coarse :
comes from the Greek <horr=may> : flow, on=set, im=pulse.
The range of a spear, that in p’tickular. But up=rising, too,
thrust, <hurried de=parture> : you get my drift ?” —
Toged out for travel, she surveyd me with cold eyes : “You’ah
tetcht.” she said dryly; “I’d rathah have some tips *bout what
sortsa things t’ ask as a passinjuh in a cah; so as not t’ sit=theah
like a bump on a log : whadda y’ call the thing that shows how
fast we’ah goin’ ?” : “Speedometer=Auntee. But —’ (With a
single junonian motion of her head, she bade me be silent — it
truly seems my destinée to be tearrunized by women. But just
you wait : <Yorick’s Revenge» ! Speak=thou, but | word; you
tell me I listen : my=day, too, shall come !)
“Welll —” she said wavering : “— <sex=shilly un=libburated> ? —
Elegant waya puttin’ it, I grant —’ And with greater disdain,
pulling herself up to even fuller hite again : “Muhcy=me — I
been that m’self goin’ on fifty yeahs now !”. (All the same; it
seemd t’ give her food for thot.) / “And as far as proper airs for
a jaded automobilist go, Auntee; I’d suggest : for starters no
moren 3 terms; otherwise you'll just get mixt up...”
342 M ARNO SCHMIDT

: “So then, <speedommeter>, fine. / Then <muff=ler> : but first

you’ve got t’ give it an impressive listen; with your rite ear
cockt ?” (She was doing it automatickly.) “A criticul tuck of the
brows — yes; that’s it; xactly — then mutter something about
<notussably loud>. — And finish off with suggestions anent a
gen’ral <acoustic-coatingy. — And Auntee, please=please —” I
conclewded fervently; folding my hands at my chest to hiten the
effect (<’zounds Garrick & Kemble»): “if, midst the fass=sin=
nation with Bavarian tecknology and the magic of travel, you’d
not forget your neffew entirely ? — : <Range of the spear,
Auntee ...” / She hesitated, a good while.
: “Alrite Kahl, —” she finally began gravely; (setting an in=
decks=finger ticking its threat, too : !) : “— I'll set stoah by it
one=moah time; and use youah <koos=stick=coatin’>. — : But if
it tuhns out again like it did this mohnin’, with yoah damm
<tao’el>. And it’s really constippashun=or=sumsutch — : Kahl? !!”.
(And moved in on hubby, just to be sure. And made her voice
sweet & soft & pleading) : “But if this’s *nothah piece 0’ yoah
tomfool’ry ? Then tell me heah’n’now. — Well ?”. (And I, cross=
m’heart & chest=tones) : “Auntee ! : In a matter that could
prove decisive for our family’s honor & reputation ? — : Let me
explain. <Acoostick undercoating> is a kindevy india=rubber goo
that y’ smear under the body, that way stones’n’gravel..... 4
(and separate, quick as a flash. As if we’d never x=changed 1
word in our lives : She, with a hi=class offended face, like a
lady=in=distress being badgerd by some rude guy. Me, cold,
stock=jobbery; as if Iwere wearing an invisible derby and had a
cold cigar in my trap, a la <Hey, I dunno that chick from
nothin’>.)
: “Well Heahther=m’deah ?”. (AH; maturnal).....
Act Ill, Sceen 4 : I roorall estate with 1 daintily sputtering
ISETTA in front. 2 women stride toward it. At the garden=gate 1|
older soigné gentleman, his remarkably fine features reflecting
a noble intellect, “How ‘bout it ?” — (They just tuggd their
mouths into grins; each to the other side; as if prearranged for
purposes of simmatry.) / : “Don’t y’ wuhrry none ’bout HIM,
m’deah.” (AH, mello) : “He talks to ’mself; did as a lad : he can
cahrry on convuhsations with himself foah houahs on end. — It’d
spook me t’ be alone and staht talkin’ t’ myself —?”; with telling
shakes of her head.
«Lift up your heads, gates, and be ye lift up, doors» : And they
 3 OONDOCKS @ 343

sank down on their cushins. — First Hertha; enchantingly angu-

lar=lizardlike behind the wheel. Then, heavy & voluptuous, — (I
was checking the tires & air for safety’s sake) —, Auntee Heeta.
Scrabbling her way backwards to a cumf’ table seat. (And I nod-
ded gloomily : I had once been permitted to see that=very rear-
end, <nor is anything further needful» : <this one=rite now>).)
And tried out other limb=arrangements, each promising delite.
And boyant beamings. But I decided to butt in: “Auntee — :
could y’ set your shopping=bag behind you, please, back in the
luggage=loge ? Hertha needs some room to shift, on the rite
tere, eee
eee: - “Y’ sure y’ got ev’rything ? — Better take a last look —”;
(because Hertha was famous for the number of items forgotten
when she went on a trip; Auntee Heeta for the number taken
along — so everything really should turn out alrite : what the one
didn’t have, the other would. (<What the one didn’t lack, the other
one did> : there was always that possibility as well.) —
“Your purse — : your comb & compackt in it ? They were lying
on the floor beside the bed this morning.”. (She had ’em.) / :
“Think you'll need t’ get gas on the way ? I’ll give you a twenty
if need be. — : Cut the jokes=Aunttee !” (because, all=magnu-
minnity, she was about to fumble for her wallet.) / : “Remember
the postcards for your co=workers. — And ’n case you've got
lotsa time in Tselle : take a quick peek in the Bomann=Mu-
seum; you’ll find patterns for 100 new fabrix in there.”
“And come back soon ! — Please keep in mind : that someone is
wand’ring these desolate rooms, wringing his hands over his
martyr’s head, wailing <forsaken and alone» — whereas, there in
halls festively illoomed and teaming with merrymakers, you=
TWO Ac yes’n’ by=the=way=Auntee : case you should notice
some oily stranger trying t’ fawn his way into my Hertha’s favor :
do y’ think y’ could recall that wrestlin’=hold ? —”. (She had a
word to say to me after all. Was about to unlatch the door; but
Hertha showd her how you can slide open that cute little side
windo : !)/—:?—/: “Aha, yes, good : very good. — And you'll
give her a good talkin’=to, Auntee, rite ? : When y’ get back
she’s gonna havta drag me up to our attick=room first thing;
that way I’ll know whether you’ve kept your word.”
- And vrumm and grumm and thrumm and humm. —:!.... - :
fe
344 M ArRNo SCHMIDT

(And alone for the first time.) / Striding back; pensive, hands
at my back, as is only seemly. (Why <semely> ? — Oh sure : for
a gentleman <in the prime of life>; bull. The way most people
apparently have such a problem aging with grace : the <prime
of life» ? Without a doubt those’re the years between 30 and
45. What comes before is naiveté : timid=stiff=crampt=phony.
What comes after, shit : selah ! (Which made me just about
ready to be dumpt : so dump away to your heart’s content !). /
And stride away : seeifIcare.....
First look in the entry mirror; as was my habit prior to any im-
portant under=taking : not outa cockiness, trying to put on the
<’ propriate» face. Au contraire : more to recognize, if possible,
from its expression how Ifelt. — : ?—(: Yikes ! : Someone star-
ing pretty sheepishly at me. But not skwinting at least; so it'll
pass maybe. / Naturally Everyone lives alone behind his face=
flesh. / And the voice from my self=self had a very snappy,
ruthless sound; its utterances often admonitory and quite use=
full. / On thother hand, I lack the gift of being able to look at a
clock and not read the time : Hertha could do that.)
—: Inthe cellar ? : Just to the rite. : Third shelf from the bottom.
— Auntee Heeta said. / Next to the big brown crox=o’=drippin’s.
(I loved these wide, shiny=black bowls=here : I always used to
get my milksoup served up in those. Rows’n’rows.) : !
(Sniff first. — Then the drop in the palm. : ? — No question) : this
was IT ! / The home=brew : a white=yello schnapps of; hells-
bells; c’d go at 120 proof ! (And I took appropriate cautious
refreshment : bout=how a will 0’ the wisp must taste. ( suming
there’re bar=bareyans, witches & their war=lox who p’take of
such.) / And back up; earth=sirfuss=wards.) And close the
hatch; the trap=door. —
Above the yard the blanket of the sky was spread, not merely
gray but with suspiciously stiff rinkles, too — they’d have no
choice but to slacken shortly. (Meaning an unpleasant drive
later; pitchdark & rain : richdark & pain; poor Hertha. (At the
wheel.).) —
«Concerning the FLORA in Crannied Walls on the North Rim of
the Village of Giffendorf>. (And the flies in the country get big-
ger than in town. Even fatter among farmers.) / <Old Barn» : the
 - OONDOCKS Mm 345

crax in the blackgreen planx occupied by sammonpink fungi;

buttons & beardlets. / : <Teerty=leerty : founda penny !> :
sparro’s ’re merry folk. (And even a deaf man can keep a pet
bird : for the hopskips; and the honing of the beak.)
2 wood=piles : root=stox here; age already black’ning them;
but still with their hooks talons claws. Railroad=ties there. (Get
"em buzzsawed. Need some help. Standing there in the saw-
dustings : clever chitchat. / Then split ’em allby=myself. In the
shed.)
Turn round. — : Oh=the=dahlias ’ve alreddy had their dose of
frost ! (Curiously blackgreen & sloucht; happens overnite : have
to dig up the bulbs !). / And this rose=bed here. : Still in the
same old spot ?. — (That is : prob’ly hasto be that=way. Hadn’t
they carted special soil in; clay=’n’=such ? I couldn’t recall. /
They even bloomd in December one year; I was here on a Criss-
muss=vacation, an extreemly=mild winter it was : <Treinta afios
mas tarde : mejores no hay !>, yesyes.) —
((: Should I have ’nuther ? ? — Better not, huh. Y’ ruin your
stomick with booze : proodentsproodents : Gro’in’ old on this
carousel ain’t no fun !)). —
: “Well, gentlemen ?” : For here they were allround me; minc-
ing on little paws. The FOREST BLACK tom promptly sat down. :
“Aren’t you the good MAU=MAaU ? !” (and he blinkt deferentially,
allyello ayes). And <Sir Stumpurr> archly strokt along my
pants=leg. So that only a stony heart could’veman=aged not to
go get some milk. (And take along a clump 0’ brawn for the
dOS,100)) <8 =
: “Likethat ?”; (Me : to the dog.) And He nodded zellously. /
And I went back=in the 2nd time. (<Soft»; that AH marketh not).
And got him his <new chain». — (First mezzure the length. So he
can’t get all=too=far; and gen’ral botheration. — : Soo. // And
then off=with the old : “Well ? !” -). -
: And he shook with joy. And yowld as I sported with him. Threw
him a stick, too : ! — (Ah; he brought it rite back. And waggd as
he did : ! (You don’ havta do that; master ain’t worth it.) / (But :
<What’s biting me ? !» —) : “My good Mau=Mau !”. (And; after
he still didn’t remove his catspaw from my pants leg) : “If you
don’t behave, I’ll give you as a comet t’ the next trav ling
astronnamur who passes thru ! — Well ??”. (parently gave him
food for thot. / «Finches & Cats» : the pets of the Goddess of
Reason. / . (And those <snow=owls> were, needless to say,
346 M ARNO SCHMIDT

exported to the moon in <egg=format». Case Hertha should

ask. — And hatcht not <by parents» but in an oven, on purpuss :
cause they had to build all=new instinks in an all=new envyrun-
ment !) —
((Look=around ? — : The dog=child was still playing with his
stick)).
(((: Being=GOd is easy. — : Being man=or=animal is hard. / :
Put that in your album !))).
dn the jakes ? : (there, o’coarse, y’ lose those adages maxims
pair-o’-kneeses <afforisms on practickle=living> easy as pie !) /
Ice, a while back, my nightshirted intention being merely to pass
water, I had first to do battle with a rat ! : I'd never utterd a word
of=it to Hertha.) — (Ahwell : ¢a ira. ! / 1 par=seck eekwals about
10 to the 31st times 12 kilometers. : with a slide=rool it’d be no
problem to recalculate irs length in par=sex. (And=then, sirprize
Hertha with the results, <for Crissmuss>. — I did have to smirk at
this <in=spur=ation>, I grant. But then came the usual animal=
cry of protest; against the <creation of humankind : !).
((: Mis=trust all <truths>; which for their <effeckt» demand they
be spoken in long=flo’ing robes. You can <test> this by repeat-
ing em in your swim=trunx. Or on the john. / I put it to the test :
I shot a glans, a keen 1, thru my glasses and the wooden INFINITY
sighn. I stated momentously : <And beholed — : It was very
good.» / And stand up. Annd sniff: !—.—/: Nope ! : It stank to
hi heav’n ! / So that’s not it. — )). —
: “Door=bell, wherefor ringsthou ? —”. —: A sails=man; (with
a litewait wooden cubburd on his back). But he turnd rude; and
I had to thro him out : “Curse these precinckts somewhat more
softly, friend. : I went to school with the locull johndarm; and
he’d be glad to do me a favor.” — (And he displayd uncertainty
now, in lite of such influential anonymusses. / And turnd to gaze
about in curiosity, the terrapinnd old=man; and the young lass,
with the hairy arms.) / (Take a quick peek at the fire. Seein’ as
how I’m up=front here.)
: Damn ! —: “Doorbell, wherefor ringsthou yetagain ? !” (t's
what they call <rooral peace’n’ quiet» Is’pose ! / Or better yet, <the
simpull=life> : what with a hullabaloo like in Git BLas !) —
“Ohh. — : ’day, Herr Koch. —”; (The mailman infact. He recog-
nized me rite off, too) : “Ohh Heah Richtah. — Back in these
pahts ?”. And rummijd in his bag; the youthfull kepi, of nylon,
sloucht over his look=round. (Or contrariwise round=look : he
 3 OONDOCKS @ 347

was about my age afterall, but eyed you on principull like a man
in his late 20s) — : “You’re certainly lookin’ in the pink, Herr
Koch !”. But no; he groucht with head and shoulders, and was
not at all satisfyd : “Ain’t it the trooth : too pink. — I'd gladly
look a bit moah dignufyd, Heah Richtah.”; he confided : “Bein’
a civvil suhvunt, y’ know —: I seem a mite too friv’luss.” (1, 2,
3 letters. And another. A very flat little package.) : “How often
do you make your rounds, Herr Koch ?” : “Wunst a day. Jist
*bout now.” — “’nd Sundays ?” : “Nevah — on Sunn’ys.” (Very
good !).
“Any news of note, Herr Koch ? I haven’t been here for goin’
on a year now y’know. —” And he tosst a wink at the rundown
vejtubble=van, homepainted poison=green; where a shabby
fello was hawk=yawking the daily potherbs : !. : “What’s with
Him ?” : “Yeah ago he was a ritch butchah. In Papp’ nbiiddel.
Flew off at the handle ’nd stuck a knife in his ass=sistunt’s
butt — : Notasoul come round t’ buy from him aftah that. Queasy
it mite be the sAME knife he was waitin’ on ’em with. — Alliz
drunk.” (And I nodded with appropriate gravity & pathos :
<Come You with Old Khayyam>.) : “S’long, Herr Koch.”
(Curious all the same : what sorta mail did Auntee Heeta get in
gen’rull ? (Back in Nordhorn I'd alreddy resieved my first New
Year’s card; from a condum=fact’ry in Hi=dullburg=there=
flourished : Just who that mite be standin’ up=there on the
threshold of the Soviet supply=crater, if not Herr Koch=here,
the <other postman» as it were, I couldn’t say m’self. Maybe
moonlites as a <commissar>. With an inturpriter who’d <cross=
x=amine>» my Hampden ? Well we’ll see : there should be pale=
blue ones. Real black, too : at the moment you’d have no
difficullty comparin’ the Full Moon to one all=rolld up. (Or
blood=red ? Green ? — Nah, better not; that’d look all too
corpse=like.) / First a further check of Auntee=mail.)
: A flo’er=seed=catalog; <gloxsinnias=gloxsinnias>; and bego-
nias, too (<beguines=beghats> : S’ pose I oughta have an=other
any=way ? <Come, fill the Cup» ? — Better not, huh. Case
Auntee Heeta just mite have most improbubble success ‘nd
stimmyulate Heahther into makin’ love... .)
: Lookiethere ! : Cousin Georg Kihn in Hoya. Still alive, too. /
(I mean, J wouldn’t just dis=conneckt the bell; but keep the gar-
den gate perm’nantly lockt. And lay 2 strands of barbwire cross
the toppa the fents; unforch’ nately, as a pryvate=citizun you're
348 M ARNO SCHMIDT

not yet allowd to lay a mine=feeld.) / I had the mail <behind> me

now at least. And, wurst=case, the ladies’d honk when they got
back. — So I took the key, from its hook, in the corydon; and
provided my own peace’n’ quiet.
Peace. — And back out back again; (helluva lotta twi=lites here
in the hallways, weren’t there ?). / The wide sheds, woodfilld :
Uncle Lewdwick had done some honest log=handlin’. (For which
he was now doubt=less.) — Coal, <Nuts Ib. Well ?—: Ton’na
half, 2 tons easy. And no fewer briketts. — (This presst=peat was
downrite dandy ! Stylish. I weighd the fat coffy=brown stave in
my hand for a long while. (And uptop, there was ol’ Mau=Mau
from You=gander again, peepin’ o’er the beam. : Nono, my
friend. Not this time. (But all the same, he spoke to me; as if
we'd gone t’ school together : “No=sirree.”’)
And that, too : the neat little workshop at the=rear. Joiner’s
bench. The walls hung with saws. In the cab’=netts, the usefull
missallany : the brace’n’ bit belo, its 10 <fittings> in a cello-
feign=jar; <GROOTE=COFFEE>. (And set m’self up on said joiner’s
bench. Dangling those old panther=thi’s : at the moment, exem-
plary quiet reignd, naturally. <Citoyen du Globe>, shit : you have
t’ live in the country ! / Turn oak chess figures on the lathe : be
very quiet. Out of meanness, let all your hard=cash multiply
before y’ touch it. / : Cease’n’desist from all mettafizzicle
inkwiries ! : Myself, when young, did eagerly frequent Doctor
and Saint, and heard great argument about it and about : does
GOd think he can do whatever he pleases with me ? —.) —
All cunning & mumm, muddlin=round in the shed : if Ican read
James Joyce’s ULyssgEs, or Daubler’s NORTHERN LIGHTS, each
word=universe in its primal text : then I’m modern enuff. Or
Do6blin, too : What I don’t understand today, Ill understand
tomorow; mine the obstinacy that is the weak man’s strength.
(And y’ can always skim the mysstickle passujes in Jahnn : his
power of utterants always remained toppest=notch.)
Stock=pile ev’rything Leopold Schefer wrote : collect old Karl=
May=editions : and thumbing my nose at our polyhectic
feuilletons, read all 40 volumes of Johannes von Miiller : start t’
finish !. (So that the manic jitters no longer make you bello
“Quiet ! !” at every thunderstorm.) / No more movies. Won’t
allo a magazine in the house; (at most, if the rare=book dealer
has used an old voGugE to pack his boox : smooth its belly flat;
and secretly sampull the fashions, mid head=shakings.) At
 - OONDOCKS Mm 349

most, some occasional television; at the local inn; with a

dignifyd mien — Tuesdays p’r’aps. (And give that dignifyd mien
a try rite now.)
(And swing my dangling legs) : Of an evening, read alowd to the
ladies; GULLIVER’S TRAVELS’d be sure to int’rest Auntee Heeta;
need to compile a list of potent=shall items, naturally. / And
then nite would fall. (And my x=cessive leg=swinging had
made a stalk gro down by my belly, naturally. But I didn’t touch
it; thot it away instedd : these contumacious female=nostrums !
— (Posit a brothel, and a sun=dial there=in : What would the
<gnomon> look like ?).
(Clair=voyants, anthropo=, theo= & assorted =sofists, my
cusstom was always to refute ’em with this challunge : lettem
gaze at their navels for a momeant; and then tell me : When &
Where Johann Gottfried Schnabel died. Then we could check it
out per civil= and/or parish= records. — Instead the gentlemen
usually offerd me the date & time o’ day for Noah’s Flood; they
tended to be much more libberall with that sortev data, hi=ly
int’ resting in itself o’ coarse. Or with x=planations of their teck-
neex for ostensubbly using nothin’ but <thot=messages> when
communicating with one another : I'd rather use a telefon=
booth; I cella=brate simple pleasures. (<Celle> : THEY were there
now. — Spell <tear=dropps> with a dubble <p> at the end, and use
a <=> to join the words — I find it looks much more melancholy;
ergo, more correct — : you could afford to do all these things, if
you were <free=lants>.).
(To be sure, it seemed to smell of cat=shit here ? — But only
very discreetly; you’d need to take it as a memento mori,
more’r’ less, that despite all bucolick=georgick bliss, you still
walkt in the ways of the flesh : how could Joyce be so devoted
to garlick ? ! Verily a blotch ’pon his otherwise not xseedingly
admirubble character.) / <Georgix» : Georg : <«Cousin=georg=
kiihn in Hoh=yah> : wunts when I was a boy here on vacation,
he decided to give me a sound drubbing, rite in this yard. For no
good reason, really ; more on <prin=supple>, the instinctive dis-
like of the rusticus for the city=slicker : the cantankery ornery
cuss was moren a little amazed when, after my initial surprise —
[always have to furro my brow first and adjust to an opponent's
fisticuffosity or intellectual savagery — I <pivotted> him over the
chopping=block, and began to tear him apart. Systematick
training with an x=pander, that does it : in the silence of my
350 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

green bedroom, to be sure; follo’d again at once with Serious

Lit’rature. (Auntee Heeta separated us two; who, as was clear
from what she said, <’d been watchin’> us. — : What sortev race
of humans is it where (I was standing rite there) a 12=year=old
can sit on the wall of the well and calmly=repeatedly tell his
15=year=old sister : </’m gonna “nhehrit the=fahm, *nd you git
nothin’ : y’ can be my milkmaid.» (And then went on to describe
the «wages» he intended to pay her; till She ran bawling into the
house.)
(And how unrealistick all=these mind=gamelets of mine about
country life & retiring to peace’n’ quiet — ahwell, the moteef has
prodoost its own thematic=feeld in literature; all anyone wants
is t? be a dlotus=eater>. After all, to be honest, even <Faust>’s
most eye=catching trait is a general disinclination to work of
any kind.) / When I get home, to Nordhorn, I simply must order
a copy of the «Moon Hoax». And read it to Hertha : Richard
Adams Locke LATEST REPORTS; Hamburg, 1836; (did I still have
the refrents number in my port=monnay ? — Yes, here : MAINZ
15/1378). Poe mentions him. (And was it moist’ ning back there
again ? AmI soon gonna have t’ keep toilet paper stuck up there
constantly ? — Better go back outside. Get my mind on other
thots.)
1 badly framed tree without its tassels : no jelly=fish sun caught
in its net now. (Whereas the plank wall had turnd very grave
very gray=hankt.) / And here a chickenwire fents : <Auntee
Heeta’s Border». (In the backgrownd, across the brook, the
wind was trying to bowl down 2 tree=stragglers.)
(<Well my friend ?») — For He stood there stockstill, so broad-
legged. And was gen’rully behaving like King Og of Bashan.
Used his hand to wipe his nose, too; (as I once heard a farmer
proudly declare : <I don’ stick m’snot in m’pockitt — like fine
gen’Imen does !>). “Yup; we'll have rain t’day yit.” And we la-
zily directed our gazing roundabout : and did mug ever mirror
mug. (Also give his walkin’ stick its due; tappe=dure, cass=téte.
—*’t?s junn’puh wood.” — Good patriots in those days wrote it
in chalk on their hatbands : <Long live Marat !>. My fav’rite
*mong the rain o’ terr’rists, too.)
And his muzzle tubered on; wraparound cons’nunnts for the
vow=alls; (till it no longer had much resemblunts t’ the langwij
Siegmund von Birken had once x=perimmeanted with.) / But
full of amusing & precise detail : how y’ drive off moles by
 3 OONDOCKS @ 351

buhryin’ wine bottles in them buhro’s o’theiahs. Then the

wind blos cross ’em, “’nd they can’t bide it;.” / Or how hares
& rabbits "Il steal milk : “Happins, I sweah !”. (The neighbor
cross the way had started woodpeck’rin’ his timberwork : at
each hammerblo the sound kneeded balls. Of the selfsame=
noise.)
He, as menschuned, stood broadlegged on mother earth, (envi-
able in his foolish self assurants !), and thunderd his fair=well —
and I took mine from him, too; forever prezoomably; yet with-
out pain. (<Luther’s problem> : how to tie a knot in a fart : that’s
what they calld <Table Talk> back then; ahyes. — Yes : have a
turd teach y’ some manners this evenin’, Brother Dark’n’ham-
sum : Bye-bye. And he’s foddered & fuckt his way thru this ol’
globe’s puzzle for 85 years now : what'd y’ s’pose his word
<cloury means in plain English ?. (If y’ were a <free-lancer>, y’
could just go ahead ’nd say that one door was <closed=er> than
the other : depending on the ajar=ness.) Nothin’ old under the
sun.)
And the white fog=skin was getting ready to thicken again,
huh ? : even now you could say there was a «mesh of black veind
branches> over it, without compromising yourself.as espeshilly
<re=fined>. (Hertha’s left breast; and the fine blue mesh of veins
over it : <those velours !>. /And Goethe’s MAID OF OBERKIRCH, too
silly for words ! : the man had no sensibility whatever for it;
(he mentions «Marat» just once, in his <Theory of Color>.) / (Be
better off just t’ stop thinking, outa sympathy for your own
brain : those pelting spears of rain later ‘Il be pretty bad.) / And
the twi=lites of the hallways again. —
Plant=m’self; and leaf thru «FATHER’S HOUSE>. — : <Anny von
Panhuys> & Robert Kraft; mymy, what a firm ! —/ (S’pose I
oughta listen t’ the news ? Just make me fret’n’fume again.
Maybe tho, if you could put on some sorta muffling thinking=
cap.) / Altho FATHER’s HOUSE here does represent | of my
absolewtly special=bogs : every frog=expert has his own. :
“The intellectual goes to great pains to produce books : but his
<person=allity> is content with a uniform !” I hurld the threat to
the wall=opposite.
What was that fat=leath’ry=one=there ? — ; a <Farmer’s All=
munnack> ? From 1888. — : “To raise them from youth on to be
meek and docile, the implantation of a nose ring is recom-
mended — see NOSE RING.”; Luther suppresst that intentionally :
352 M ARNO SCHMIDT

which means never give Hertha a <jewel of gold>; just slip in

that nose=ring !).
And «copulatory instinct» : a.) heightend; b.) impaird : What'd
He suggest for that ? —. — : Looka=there. «Caraway & white
wine». Very int’resting. — (And yawn.)
(: Stretch out & doze ?—: ? —. / Welll.) / : Okaay. : So stretch=
out. / And doooze — (Wait ! : first a look at the fire . . .)
As a citizen of the Fed’ral=Republick will y’ be punisht for not
list’ning to the noon <Press=Review> ? What the <rite=wing
Aurore» has written about the soon=to=be=xploded Sahara=
bomb ? (I found a comfier position for my left=wing ear — best
thing *d be to stuff it clear at the back, in total untouchiness :
wonder if the Indian divinities, the poly=armed ones, the
elefunt= or munky=headed ones, mite be realistick poortraits of
the results of early man’s nucklear tests ? Around 10,000 before
or so ? Confirmation of such a hippo=thesis in similar Eggiptian
depicktions, (<hi=row=gliffix utilized falcon=heads>, read that
somewhere; some hi=toned windbag). And, sure : those
Asseeryan whatchamajigs, the cherubim=prototypes : behold,
another hypothesis upon the earth ! (And twisted my suthern
cross around to a comfier spot : ’zounds Tiglat=Pleaser &
Sall=Mannassar.) Or the all=o’ershadowing <Times>; the
scheming <Pravda>; the gen’rally well=informd <Rheinische
Merkur>. Or even, Ice a year, as <alibi=case=things=get=outa=
hand>, «Neues Deutschland, organ of the Socialist Unity Party>,
(whose base pro=nountsments no upstanding Cathlick & Nazi
could endoarse, of coarse. At most, only indisputubble repro-
bates take delite (both thotfull & mellunkolly) in watching the
hardly inelegant specktacul of how those guys over=there pub-
lish, ever so cool & regular, those lovely, and usually depend-
able, editions of the old literary=rebels of the 18th century. And
word was gradually gettin’=round, too, that the GDR=Lexikon
—if y’ ignored the droll opinions about art & artists — was better
than any similar 1= or 2=volume work in the Federal Republick :
Slo but sure, I was getting hungry.)
: “Why, y’ can even classify ciphers — according t’ the size of
their <over=wide loads» !”. (The thot had struck me; presumably
some ovall ’r other nearby; and I shouted it, same threatin’
voice as before, but this time at the ceiling, in sharp=
prosecutorial tones. — : ? — It answered in mollifying, weary
Cologne dialeckt : that every penny 0’ my income tax went
 #, OONDOCKS M353

to benefitt the «common good>; this, however, was so patently

intended for Old Tanks & New Bishoppricks that I rolld over
disdainfully on my left hipp : you’re not gonna trick me with
some majestick <thunder’n’ damnation», or with your newly fa-
mous <chancellor’s priv’ lege» either.) / (Sulla; pro=scriptshun;
Sulla=Sulla : sullyme; sulamite & <suwelling hipps>, like they
always describe in kitsch novels : Hertha possesst neither these,
nor those; (the «rolling» ones). Auntee Heeta, the aging nymff,
had, at one time, & with no diffi=cullty, been able to serve up
both : and yawn.)
: <Open glen at woods=edj : enter nimffs & nimffetts.> (No,
wait : «Enter dancing> I s’ pose. Or <Enter in a throng> ? <In wild
confused eddies ; swelling & hipping> : Smile, Pagliacci : smile
tho your ass is moist’ning ! : <moist=NEss.» / <Go see Peter
Pewey, f=arse door down on the rite !» Hertha just let it slip out
in anger one time; having forgotten the presents of her beloved
and assuming herself alone : has int’resting turns o’ fraze, this
Silesian. As <ultimately> all dialekts do. : Die=a=licks.) / And
<ultimately> was Ist=class fed’rul=publickan German, too :
now all I havta do is <profess> somethin’, rite ? — So be it, then
here’s t’ the costa livin’ in the Crischun=West. (And I rolld
over, sleepy & yet brimmfull of protests, (<pro testes»), onto my
rite hipp=side; seein’ as how my left, overloaded with all this
supra=luxurient lolling about, was seariously threat’ning to
swell : kitschme wunts’n’kitcschme twice. . .)
Kitsch : He was & remaind the most venrubble rogue, cuckold,
literatico=fantastico=litigatico of all : so much talent has sel-
dom been skwandurd for money in such good=for=nothing
fashion : of his 80 volumes, y’ can’t take 76 of ’em seriously. —
(Or maybe, if you wanted to be real gentel, 72. — Well, let’s
be gentell : ’nd say : sev’nty=too.) / (Speakina=which, on page
49=here, this <skriballd=lettery ! — And leafing. - Oughta be
publisht sometime, in honest & unabrijd form, ev’ry word &
comma; ’d be a genuine «document humain>; an unforgettuble
fin-de-siécle genre=sketch, this «copy No. 2>. A decided addi-
tion to our highest=literature; a psi=kollogicum of inestimubble
value; I know what I’m saying : publication would at one blo
put May in the ranx of auto=biografs who are taken seriously —
whereas at present all that’s available to us is that carefully
blood=let albino=rite=profile. And if a GOEDEKE should ever fall
into the busy hands of the gentlemen at May Pub. Inc. that'd
354 M ArRNo SCHMIDT

really add varnish for the readership : maybe then their dis-
tortion of a <bibliograffy> ’d either be rect=ified; or disappear
entirely f’rall I care — y’ can only shake your head at the «figure
as presented> !).
(And I guarantee, on the ’casion of de=coding the great SILVER
LION, it’ll be worth an x=cursus : how, by waya adding falsi=
and mystifi=cations, he recycled moteefs from his moldy stink=
t’=hi=heaven ROAD TO FORTUNE :

a) Both <From High Mountains».

b) Samiel’s <Black Mask».
c) The She=demon.
d) <Oh Master, let me walk.»
e) The garden=scene=with=cook.
f) The criminal’s cashbox; and companion <accountbook>.
g) The use of a gold=piece as a seal.
h) Smuggling=in=general.
i) The plans for building a <chapel>.
j) <Appe= & drinkes=tite>.

(No wait. Stoppp : here came Crissmuss again !). / And flipping
onto my back again : hung=gurr ! —). —
(And deeper dozing. And re=lacks : t’morro the drujjery starts
up allover again — ergo, carp the DM now. It’s sure to benefitt
the Common Good somehow ’r other : yea, bene fit thou..... )

Ciaran dental (ins tae ) iF Coe Riad, oe seek PERRI OSs SIRT TOU oe
<Nawt Nowon Nowhair Nair> : <Nawt Noone Nowhair Nair :
only | moater snivels like that : Her=moater ! (And organ=ize
my dozifyd face as beamish as possible..... :
: Walking now, he whirls about, a sudden shudder, wild his
sqwinted eye, hi pownds his heart within, his voyce all
muffulld, broken, raving — — : Auntee Heeta with a bob=
job !!!—/ (In her hand, something shallo of <Jena glass>. At
the bottom of which a teeny sack slid about.) / Beamd & lafft,
too : “My, ahr they evuh praktickle ! — Heah : This’s foah you,
m’boy. ’t’s what we brought y’.” — — —
“°’tleast turn around once, Auntee !”. /—. — (Ohlord; in a pintch ?
 4, OONDOCKS M 355

— Stepping back again, a little more. —- Worthy of approbation,

p’raps ? (<probe=probing=priaps> : the rear was enticingly
probe=able.) / And steadfast beaming : “Jist have t’ run a comb
thru : “nd I’m done. Save all that time with m’ mopp from heah
on out.”
But : “Nono=Auntee ! : We’re not quite finisht with | another
just yet. — a) : What is so <pracktickle> ? — b) : What is this
you’ ve brought for me ?”. —
: This sack ? For me ? “All two ountses ?”. — : “Just open it
up first. Besides, it’s four.”; Hertha; softly. So, four, be
oppind : —. — : And was truly taken aback : <bonbonniéres a
Vantique>; of sweet, green=red=yello jelly, most eddubble
<cameos> ? ! / Here a Zoose. — And here Poseidonn, with
thricest=tine. <Ledas> in various <rend=erings> : all=however
filld with Black Forest kirsch : “Faith; now I call that an
echo=gnomic meer=acul !” — (And they nodded to each other,
content. : “S’leckted ’em m’self.” ME = AH. : Judging by which,
<your miss=shun> was a failure, huh ? : thinking you could «thro
me the sop> of a jelly Leda ? My simultaneous suckings & glint-
ings were so de= and mal=icious that I was given a dismaid
once=over.)
Rite, and <pracktickle» ? — : “Why the cah : why, we drove a
ritelong stretch at 50 !”. — And saild into the house; un-
accumpanyd; (cause I first had to open the gridgate, o’course,
for Hertha & iseTra. — And close it again.) /And when we enterd
the livingroom, she had long sints started <un=packing>; papers,
puffy & stiffy. All the while recounting whatever came to her
fat=old chatterbox. (Whenever she ran out of air, she’d rustle
away with mite & main) :
: “Suah could use=one.” (She meant the IseTTA.) / : “Jisthink,
Kahl : at the mahkit in Tseller they sell them cattails .. .”
(demanding, with just a quick=enerjetick flick of some card-
board with stockings, that I fraze it noble words. — “Typha=
tieffa : you mean reed mace, auntee ?.”) : “. . . they sell ’em
theah for twenny=cenns=apiece !”. (c<Pommes pennyapiece> :
Pomes Penyeach. : “Yes, and so, auntee ?”’)
: “And so ! —” she mimickt me, automatickly : “Jist pickchuh this :
a whole Isetter=full of °em ? : And drive ’em in to Tseller:?...”.
(And spread of broad, byzznesslike hands : ? !).
“You’re forgetting the price o’ gas.” — She cast me a vext
look : “’nd how much’d that be ?”. And, to her other, more
356 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

dependdouble partner : “Well ! : Heahter ?”. / She thrust (some-

what weerily it seemd; x=hausted : piece 0’ cake : 3 hours alone
with AH !), both shoulders forward. — : “Loord — a mark fifty ?.
Procksmuttly.” / And she took my measure, so disdainfull. And
snorted so steam=rollerly : “And ’bout 100 of ’em °d fit in theah
—y’ can figguh it up y’selff !” : “Firstly, 100 of ’em would not
fit: at most 50. Secondly, you’d sell only about 20. : And you're
not even recknin’ the time spent, Auntee ?” —. —
- “'t least ’d all come out rite in th’end; blo=hahd !”; she
bellowd. Threat’ning. / But I didn’t even notice her fist : I was
gaping at the palm of her otherhand; at the timid unrolling of 2
teeny=fieryred textilettes .....
And folded my hands, in deep e=motion. : “Auntee Heeta. —: a
bi=kee=nee ! — Couldn’t y’ ’ve worn one a those <back then> ?”. /
But, more soberly now : “Tell me — : how d’ you figure it ? How
you’re actually gonna pack ’em in there ?”; and weighd, broad-
pawd, 2 chorussponding invisubbilities at my own chest. —: we di
let me wuhhry ’bout that.” she reposted sharply. And Hertha
nodded, too, lower lip set mouth-of-factly : “tall fits : when
you’re lyin’ in the sun, in summer. — And if it’s a seclewded
spot : y’ take it all off.” AH nodded connfurmation at wunts :
“Rite y’ahr, m’guhl. — Evuhso key=reckt.” (<All=off> — I gulpt
with lust. And the <beests> noticed, all schadenfreude.)
: “Oah fuh=branches ! — : Foah cov’rin’ the roses=now.” — :
“So the interior gets all piney=scented, rite ?”. / This time, out
of purest contempt, she just displayd her rite eye=tooth for me,
over her rite shoalder : “Round these pahts, m’boy, we fill
gunnysax with ’em: and then load *em up=top, on the
crowmyum baggitch=rack. — : That’s alreddy=mounted !”.
(twas true, too. I’'d been an ass. / Something by waya
<’tone=meant> ? ? ——: Ah; I have it) :
Or=amayoewn mee : mushrooms, & berries —”; (thot=full; *sif
to=myself. / ?. —/ She nodded at once, gracious once more : Y’
could appease AH as easily as y’ could do the opp’sit. — Yet
more gracious : “Well=’t’smoah like it. I bout thot : that heada
yoahs was runnin’ dry on ideers t’day.”
“Heah : She=brot y’ sumthin’ else, too -.”; (and
Hertha=steppt forward, with seeming nonchalants); : “Oah did
y’ put that in youah puhse, m’deah ?”. — And nustled oh=so
slowly. Lifting their plaid oversize=purses, to their chins —
those=chinnns : cockt at their faces. Keenly furro’d features
 # OONDOCKS @ 357

pecrine in=sidemerss: : “Nope; ain’t in heah.” / Turnd to look,

miss=chievous, round at me : ? : “Lookathat=Heahther : he’ll
staht stompin’ heah in a seck. — : But women’s the cuhryous
ones, rite ?” — / Even sank into chairs, shrugging. A la <Pfff;
guess we must’ve left in lyin’ somewhere» : Kids; don’t overdo
the thrill !)
And gayzed at me, no=handed, <sans=hans>, : those had vanisht
into plaid shopping bags !, granny=like; lost=in=thot. (Ohbliss
e’en now to be a child», huh ? ’Zounds Pfinzing & Treitzsaur-
wein, cut the comedy : think but of your bikinis ! : C’mon, make
it snappy, what’s this all about ? !)
: “But that’s how they=All ahr Heahther : like little boys.”
Pause. “Cept for one thing.” came Her sullen reply. But Auntee
Heeta’s head waved this aside : “Theah’s hahdly a boy that
little, m’deah; that he don’t have that <one thing> as y’ call it. —
Bout which we spoke rescently, if y’ re=call.” / And reacht a
cold hand, even as she pronounst the final sillybulls, into a most
secret pursepocket; (Brrdzz went its zip=purr); and held it out to
meun the <inter=rumy 55-80
Flat heavy supple ? Oh=a=book. (Tho I lay no store by the
pracktuss : My custom is to name boox by name, plus un-
mistakable bibliografick data, that int’rest me, and then
people can go seek ’em out for me if they like : but your ad=
iseriiss eee )
And glo’d with joy, ‘gainst all=my better x=pecktations,
(and ’gainst my will; I try to be honest) : “Oh=Her=tha !” And,
all too quickly appeasd again m’self, kisst the same sleek
dissemblips that only 30 secunts=ago had _ wantonly
mockt’n’martyrd me : it was indeed quite a genuine sir=prize !
(Or, what is better : quite a happy 1. Sints most of the surprises
M=NUinan—liie serene )
And turning to the other, wunts lusty=plump lady : “Lissen=y’
gotta read it sometime; you'd like this /.” (Reclam had re-
printed FELSENBURG ISLAND : Grand Reclam ! — I had infact heard
about it, and long been on the lookout; but Hertha had sweetly
stolen the martch on me : “Grand Hertha !”). But AH, emi-
nently=doobious : “Nono, m’boy. I got no time t’ do any readin’
m’self : y’ can read it to me. While /’m dahnin’ or knittin’ :
that’d be lovely o’coahse.” (Behind me, 1 murm’ring maid
arose. And vanisht of a sudden.)
(And at once AH, with mitey whisprings) : “Lohddy — : but
358 M ARNO SCHMIDT

that’s one funnyduck. —”. : “Were y’ able to talk to Her <about

it 2”. : “Ohh, not=mutch ... Bytheby youah <coostick=coatin’>
was goood; knockt Huh flat; thanx a heap, Kahl. — Hmyes but
othuh=wise ? I was able t’ slip in a few things o’cohse. But
‘tain’t all that easy, Kahl — y’ gotta take it step by step.” (And
sat & thot.) —
“Ohyeah one=othah thing Kahl : we wuh walkin’ by a shop —:
all at wunst She wanted to buy 10 boxes o’ koTex. And muttuhd
somthin’ bout <case theuh’d evuh be a shohtij> ’nd sitch —: ?”.
And I had to grin : “Noo Auntee, different matter entirely : has
to do with the moon.” And she, doobious=enlitend : “With the
moon ? — Moon’s got nothin’ t’ do with wimmen gettin’ theah
peehryud. They All get it at Diffrent times; all higg’dly-
pigg’dly : t'think you still b’lieve such stuff ‘n’nonsents le
“Oh it’s not that AH ! : I told Her a story *bout how <someday>
such things’d get scarce on the moon — just providin’ a <total=
description> of ev’rything, y’ see ? —”. (And she, mollyfied) :
“Oh thataway. I’d begun t’ think She gits sitch awfull peeh-
rudds; does happen, don’t y know.” (And, curiouser’n’curi-
ouser) : “Up=on the moon ? — say : y’ can tell me bout that
sometime too.” (I'll do that auntee, should o=casion arise; but) :
“How d’y’like Her otherwise ?”
Pause. — “Ohm’boy —”; she braced herself more mightilly,
leaning back; (so that her chair lifted its front paws; she had
moxy, no doubt). / (And a look out the windo. And a pause.) /
“Pfff=Kahl. — : The guhl’s taut as a baby’s clencht fist. Like I
said.” (Now she even started rocking on her chair : which
among thinkin’=wimmin denotes a certain uncertainty, does it
not ?). —
: “Don’t trust y’self, I s’pose, t’ bag anothah rabbit foah yoah
bed. ?” — Monno log : “Obey youah ev’ry wohd, she would.”
(“Piece o’ cake, for=you Auntee : you’re a disstingwisht lady.”).
But she listlessly waved the complimeant aside. (What else was
I to say ? That, perhaps; plus a small=embearasst chortle) :
“Something I do, too.” (The <ev’ry word etc»). She, from
depths of thot) : “I know that, m’ boy.” / Nawed on her lo’er=lip.
(Something I sure would’ve liked to do 30 years ago. — : ? —
(And we <pssst=ed> now; like 2 cunspearators.).)
: “HUNGER!!! —”, —: ? : “We alreddy had a bite in Cella —”’;
Hertha, surprized. Tot’ly surpirzed by my=tummy=tom=tom.
(AH first let us face the matter out alone. X=cept her eyes
 KOONDOCKS Ml 359

wanderd — analyzing ? — yon. And came hither. Yon &

hither —)
: “Sure, dearest=Hertha=you=2 were in Stomacho=polis 0’
course : you were gorging on <tartarse stake> and <Gudrun’s
recipe» — the <’zounds> is implissit.” (A man qua man always
has t’ be very carefull when mentioning the name <Gudrup :
Hertha used it everytime as proof that even in days of oldest
doing laundry was regarded as an insult to women — her use of
Oxydoll underpasst all imagining. / Once again, plee=ding) :
“Hertha — : couldn’t y’ fry up a canna corn=beef for me ?”
(more wanttonly) : “— and crack 1 — or 2 ? — eggs over it ?”. —
Pause. She began shifting ill-at-ease shoulders. (And AH’s eyes
in constant : tick : tock —). Petulant : “Aeh. —: ’t always splatters
So Dad ieee
(First the table began to rummble beneath Her fists; then the
chair, too — its sound brite=smaller, creakier; but allthesame — :
AH got to her feet. (Or better : <rose>; majestick; reine=
soleil=like). Slo’ly) : “Well. — we’d be glad t’ ficks him a bite.”
Slyly : “Or would y’ rathah not ? — : m’ deah.” / (And my be-
loved went into a slow blush. But a very=visible one. And AH’s
screwpulous gaze came to rest upon her. — (Until Hertha de-
cided she <had to» again, and vanisht.) —) : “Theah’s def’ nutly
some hope theah, my boy.” -. —
“Here’s your mail, by the way, Auntee —”. She screwd up her
face. Opend. / Hertha came back in : No one took notice of Her.
Fumbled contritely at her purse=handle. Then a strangulated,
soft=voiced query=let appeard in the room : for <a napron> ? —
AH, stern=dismissive : “That can wait, m’deah.” / Long she
read; long & care=full; old Gay=org’s letter. From Hoe=yaa.
Concentrayting her large face more’n’more, Till it consisted
entirely of furro=circulls. Got up in 1 savage sweep. And paced
in=decisive : back & forth. Drumming mallet fingers. (On her
soon to be bi=kineed sternum.) And de=sided —
: “You=2 go foah nothah shoht walk. —” (And, more promising) :
“I’1l whip up somethin’ tasty in the meantime : theah’s summat
I need t’ . . .”; (mutt’ring — it sounded like <pothuh=boub :
Meaning summat to : <bothah> or <pondah» ?). : “And don’t be
too long : ’n houah oah so; at most.” — : “Be back heah at 2 on
the dot !)” (<Every word»).
: “Then let’s <sinkranize watches» Auntee ! —” : pleased her
much, this latest refine=ment. (And we set them with due
360 M ARNO SCHMIDT

gravity. Till her wallclock & the | on Hertha’s wrist bore the
same facial x=pression — : s=soo !)
(But Hertha, my water=addickt, had yet another matter on her
pretty heart) : “—- Where mite y’ go for a swim round=here ?”
she queried softly. (’Tis o’course a veritubble conunndrum, my
child. : “We find ourselves upon the heath, Hertha.” I was quick
to admonish. / AH, however, rubbd a nose on her index finger ?
Thot alowd ? Hertha understood the meditative sentence=
shredlets only with difficulty) : “The pond=propah’s way too
crowded in summah. — At best theah’s still . . .”. (And turnd
enerjet=tickly to me; with the follo’ing instrucktions —
: “Rite aftah the jack’napulputt, y’ come to a jun’puh; Kahl :
theah’s a tuhn=off ! — At that fuhst standa trees on the road t’
Platenbossdle.” (I nodded : Just before the sandy cut=off, where
as kids we went skippinalong ? Fine; I’ve pretty much got the
pitcher Auntee.) — : “Now that meanduhs thru the woods foah
two hunnuht yahds oah so : ’nd runs smackdab into open
medders’n’passchuhs : ? —’ (And my noddings.) — : “And then
y’ll see some solitahry alduh bushes : on the banx o° <Small
Crick». Theah’s a li’! plank crosses it. Theah’s no sinx theah: y’
could prolly swim a lick oah two theah.” And surveyd, with
something approaching kindness again, Hertha’s well=kempt
meagerness : “y’ can doggypaddle a bit mibbe; youah’r hahdly
all that big.”
(And, <taggin’ after» now) : “Y’ can cut crosst the meader easy,
Kahl : but y’ know that; ’t’s only duhrin’ wef=spells that the
paths ain’t so pass=able in some spots.” (Hertha, dumbfounded,
to me : <Wet spells» ? — : Whaddya call what we’re havin’
now ?”.) / Beautyfull pale red, this aster=here, still on the
nearside of the fence : did I have 2, 3 sheets of toilet=paper with
me ? (It was, y’ see, almost the xact=same color, with <ROsITA>
printed on the roll : these things don’t come just outa know=
where,) “Whatever you think, Hertha, that’s perfecktly alrite !”
— She started; stammerd dis=traught & =heartend : “Whaddya
mean by that now ? —: I wasn’t thinking anything ——.” And me,
with scowndrel gloat : “Sooo. : You were not thinking of me.” /
(Adding, while she went “Silly ass !”, back over my shoulder) :
“Hey, Auntee Heeta ?—: Y’ know your door=bell ! : Disconnect
the thing when y’ get a chants.” : “Why should I, you figgitty-
jibbutt ? — Wouldn’t think of it !”; she retorted, brimmfull of
contradicktion; and pertty=irate, as always at first. /Sending us
 3 OONDOCKS @ 361

on our way with nods of courage & strength : ! — (And away

we went; round to the rite; into what already was damn damp
ainer.s)

In all noox & crannies nature began disrobing. (Above the

strong menacing bodies of clouds.) : A fully=naked croan
vawlted across the path, toothlessing whispery curses; (while
we murkt past close to her leg : and felt obliged to shake 100
menacing arms behind us as well.) / P’r’aps the little mound of
earth beside her, la Motte, was the erstwhile stake’n’ gallows ?
From which, as an embellyshment, it was wunts their wont to
provide the poor sinner an especially charming view. : “D’y’
really think ?” Hertha askt, a little fritend & ditto repulsst.
“Ohpooh, ’t’s just a p’tato=pit.” I hastned to palm off.
—: “Pfff. Celle was quite nice really. : The lovely old houses.
’t’s got a the=ate=er too; s’posed t’ be good in fact.” (Both
castle and ’partment store.) : “Y’ didn’t make the mew=
see=’em.” (Not as a question, but a flatout statement. She gave
me a spiteful look all the same) : “How was I s’posed t’ manage
that. ? With Auntee Heeta along : ’nd Her wantin’ t’ galavant
ev’rywhere ! — Listen, she’s one agg=ravatin’ trav’ling cum-
panion.”
: “And the stories She has !...” —/ Bout the castle in Giffhorn. :
‘Dook Frantz, m’love. But let those dux swim for tday.” /
About Wienhausen Cloister. — : “What ? / : Not about the fann=
tass=tick mur=alls in the chapel ? — Listen, you really have to
see those sometime : inside six months ev’ry FALK customer ’d
be walkin’ round in blue & russet on white.”
Nonoo : “She just went on bout some nun : a teeny cell; no heat &
pitchdark. Singin’ prayin’ ’nd nuthin’ to eat. —: Wonder if it’s true
they always died so young ?”. (Sint ut sunt aut non sint) : “The
median age of Sisstur=shun=nuns was, as a rool, 24 and a half
years.” I confirmd; (x=temporizing. — And not all that unclever of
AH : as an add=munnition ! : So latch rite onto it) : “Y’ gotta
really picture it, Hertha : Up’n’singing 4 times a nite. Horsehair
panties. And nary a man.” (True, she parryd at once with a
“Which wouldn’t be the wurst part”; but neither did she appear all
that unimpresst; purrst her wee mouth, and ponderd.)
362 M ARNO SCHMIDT

“Sotelllme ——”; (slo, thotfull, calculated; / And the weather in-

deed lookt as if it had finally decided to bawl : a while ago you
could, tho with pupil=pressing x=ersion, make out if a cloud
was protaplazming its gray rim behind it. Now ev rything was
that wellknown uniform & colorfast darkgray. (And much as I
love barro=metrick lo’s : neither of us was dresst for this. Espe-
cially the black runnyness of Her cape : “Y’ shouda worn your
loden=coat afterall, Hertha.” (The darkgreen one, with yoke : it
didn’t <clad> her, true, but she lookt very good in it.).).)
: “Was Auntee Heeta — y’ can go ahead’n’ tell me true — the first
to let you do it 2?” — (And now ’twas my mouth hanging open ! /
Both eyes direckted, cautious & deliberate, at me; lo’er lip held
very litely between teethrims, listening, seeking multipull as-
surance, to my dismayd : “What made you ask that ?! —: I
mean, by GOd & the Covenant : AH knows not the color of my
seed !” — And nodded, convinst of the defendent’s innoscents.
But nonchalanty waved aside superfluous words) :
“Well —,” she said matter=of=factly : “Cause sometimes She
looks at You so queer. — <In=love> isn’t the rite term for it,
o’ course. But that She dotes on You, that much y’ know your-
self.” (And suddenly made a lament of her face) : “And the
x=presshins she uses sometimes ! — And lust=for=life in
heaps, that woman has : makes me turn red & pale by turns.” /
Headshaking pause. Juniper guards presented arms alongside :
giants with ruffgreen bearskin=caps, scaly strap across the chin,
made the newly asfalted road morerless tollrubble. : “Not just
for the <Fedrill Armmy>, my aunti=milletarry child; also ben-
efits the milkers and their =maids: round theseparts, y’ see, the
beasts o’ the feeld — contrary to Silesian cusstom — graze
alfrescko from Aprill to Ock=tober.” (Curious, she felt the
un=Giant=Mountainlike shrub’s bristly pelt — : sev’ral thick
drops spurted out; landing midfoot, where they x=ploded. :
“Before sunrise, those lickwud balls are red on the easturn side :
the others, green or gray. — Okay, if y’ like, add an <ish t’
both.”’).
Hmmm=yesss : “Your constant musin’, Hertha, I’ve never met
the like.” (There was still manya thing I needed t’ learn as a
tote=all human being; but still hadn’t x=peerienst : fr’instants,
getting old’n’ gray as a worker on the homefront during a war —
true; the real=ization of that p’tickular wish would not be long
in coming : there’s help for this man yet !).
 BOONDOCKS B 363

“<cribbly> and <hi=falutin’>» was what she calld it.” an attempt

at speech, as businesslike as possible, occurrd beside me. But
then rite=off, with almost no transishun, in that poe=purry of
perplecksity be=wilder=meant near=tears plus inturpullated
cour=rage, touching me anew : “How can anybody make a
claim like that ?”
(Inasmuch as the standa=trees now deigned to begin — and 2
sturdy young=oak=bushes rustled invitingly with their still
in=takt brownleaft bounty — I took the libberty of escorting my
whimpring love behind said bushes; there to ensconts her hand-
ily upon a smoothd=out bed of needles. And then, most chaste=
and=civvily, to consoul her. / It was the <and>=clasp that made
her flintch again at first. But then apparently recalling the
proper <attitood> — the word that slays all uptodate girls — she
held her tung. (Closed her eyes, however; so as at least not
to view the mizzry. Which in turn gave me time to use my rite
one to peer past Her face, thru Her red=haird shrub, and the
bald one yonder, at the sandy=cutoff, AH’s wreckommended
land=mark .. . ? : Ah yes : mutch like it once was when we boys
would leap off the edge down onto it . . .)
(And she acquiesst so sweet & with such unwonted=silents —
Thanx, Great Heeta ! — that I got warm rite=off. And free &
bold; Heeta Bold. And began to think Great Thots — : “Hertha, —
if you’d like maybe — ? : I’ve got some with me. . . .”) / Freed
herself brutally. Lookt at me as if I stood in a store windo — : —
(I, however, at once assumed the pose of those lack=ees :
strain=jer strain=jer : knowst thou not thy keech ?). Her nose
took a pull of air, loud & saucy : “Think y’ can off=end me
that way ?” — (But once again a shutter I knew nothing about
must’ ve clickt, — a two=hundreadth setting couldn’t compare —
her head tippt round in sweet amazement; open-moutht piety.
Toucht : “— Just lissen...” —?:
<Taptap tap» ?. (Insisstent=soft, couldn’t miss it; like someone
trying to lend acoustical underpinning to theses of especially
egg=regious infertility. Nowadays. — Y’see : more demanding
now : <Taptaptaptaptaptaptap !>). — And, vision awry, peer a
frog’s=eye view up into the fir=besoms ....... ? / — Shrill
whisprings : “There ! See’m ?” — : “No. Where ?” (But now she
found him. — he had, doubtless, long since spotted us too; and
went on hammring with appropriate equanmity a la <Someone’s
364 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

Pee: Yes 2» —/ First a password was x=changed with the wall;

(and a simultaneous glants over his short=sleeved shoulder to
see if all vittles had vanisht : ?). Then fumbled at bolts and
other=ponderabilia; ye compleat <prison=door. The wall burst
open, but slo’ly and with gratuitous creaking .....
: 2 men. — The one, older, in a space=soot; (I went on doing my
coldblooded best mending my own. Only now & then casting a
cool glants his way. — Now, while I blo=dried the rubberglew on
my patch, a longer opportunity arose <organickly>). / The other
one — he was just pulling his face=mask out of squirrel=fur —
still very young; teeny=ajer. but with the nasty cold=smooth vis-
age=worx you used to see in magazine pictures on the shoalders
of young gang=fithrers : his wintercoat was so heavy thick stiff;
and his hands were thrust so deep into the pockits that it only
increast the <armord> look. / (Which of the 2 was the man of
greater <distinktion> was difficult to say — the older one, with his
smiling poised fleggma, lookt no less <self=assured> than the
icy=leptosomic young=thug.) / Yesyes, step rite up..... (all
that great I didn’t feel of course.....
: “Vy otkooda preeshly : Kooda vy namyerevallis.” — (You're
outa luck with me, friend. I gave him nods as vig’rous as my
previous torments permitted; (the vodka providing not a little
assistants — : if that’s=what it was !) : “Glad to see you.” / The
young one was about to cut some figures with his (totally
lipless) speech=slit; but the guy=in=the=spacesoot laid a paci-
fying hand on his forearm; and inkwired in — if not bordering
on <passable>, at least understandable — American — (tho you
had to pay damnclose attention all the same !) : “Your kooryeers
do not zbeek Ruzzhian ?”. And he could set as obliging a smile
as he liked to his subsekwent : “I am, you zee, your=uh — :
counter=kooryer.” — the essential meaning was simply that
<Ours speak A=merry=can as a matter of policy>. —
I was peeved : “I am a Member of Congress; and am only here
as a <substy=toot> —” (it was nunna their business; but he had,
unconsciously, hit a sore point. And the greenhorn had also
smirkt down his long nose at me a little too provocatively) : “—I
have frequently — most recently only=yesterday — made the mo-
tion to rekwire Russian in Our schools.” — The older one’s face
widend with much int’rest : “Memm burr ? Kong grass ?”. And
cast one another a brief but not un=thotfull glants
(Taptaptaptaptap !).....
 3 OONDOCKS M 365

(: Another knock again alreddy ? ! — OhlIsee; the Yakoot was

dubblechecking the door=lox . . . .)
“
«Millet rape=seed & colza> ’s what I always had to ask for in
the shop as a little girl — we had a canary —” Hertha, in breathy
apology : there were deaffunately too many birds roundabout
for me to demand consintration. I raised dissaprooving brows at
least; (mittygating my censure, however, with | more kiss; (the
effect of which was such that it robbd the play of brows of all
force. Which Miss Im=pudent also noticed at once; and used to
the full; hooking a spritely arm in mine.....
senate - “Budd came=here how ? : To «Black Pump Deepo> ?” /
I pulld out my map with such pique. And laid it infronta him.
And pointed defyantly. : This is prlcarD here=rite ? : “And when
our commanding offassir there — and one can presoom after all
that he should kno ! — tells me to <keep curvin’ slitely to the
north» as I march; where I'll be sure to run into our border sur-
vey patrol .....?”. / They bent down over the little sheeta
paper, bearer of heavy fate — (and now it all depended — ’zounds
Ahriman=mirza & Samiel=help !). / All at once the young 1
started babbling, like crazy. And for a change 0’ pace gave a
laff, too, scorn & pitty, the whole crew. (And me <Foebos &
Deimos auitern ine
(: 2: <Fear & Terror : the moons 0’ Mars. — Ah, that wasn’t bad,
either, Hertha; the interruppshin jussnow : I can work that in

De the older one, too, let the wrinklets round the corners of
his eyes form sprite=leer furros. Briefly fisht in his spacesoot=
interior. And extracted a folded map of his own. — (Larger ? —
Ohbyes: essentially}...
(“Nuff’s enuff, Hertha, I know. Or at least add some variety :
<Man, look to the essentials !>. Or p’r’aps, as a guest of Lower
Sacks’ny : <Don’t git so rappt up in ’sentials !>. — a teacher once
told me : «Richter, x=amine your inner=self !>” And Hertha, x=
amined me from one side; and noddings; with heavy reproach,
CON=VINStheeeee

bly more detaild, too !). / : “Budd : that is south ! — Iddiodick,

your mabs are still in Old=Earth method, ubside=down : how it
lookd thru astronomick della=sgopes in olddays ? — : Oh mayo
zabalesnovaniye !”
(“My deebest zimm=bathy» —hush!—.....
366 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

—: “Ah, sol simply...” (and what a good thing that my hand

laid itself to my brow with no help on my part : damn, that’s
why I’d had such trouble getting my bearings a while ago ! —
(And the disgrace of it ! — Well, that'll mean another brief
remark in Congress.).) : “So that I simply got north & south
switcht around. — : Had to switch ’em ? !”. They nodded smirky
superiority : the backwardness of my nativeland x=cused my
trespass. (So for once <neightiveland> was good for something.
Besides, I’d sinnd on its instructions.) : But it seemd something
else was diverting the last remnant — and some still remaind —
of attention from me..... they whisperd; softer; (and nonplust
too ? At least that’s how it lookt. —)
Then the older one, my colleeg, tipptappt — very ginger= &
discreet=ly, at my wrist : !— Yes, what is it ? : My watch=here ? :
“Not working ? !” : and twisted my hand around. And held the
gizmo out to him : “Please — —”
(And listend. To the pretty=ticker. My colleeg visibly perplext.
And the younger 1, tho with great restraint, bent a — disgust-
ingly large ! — ear : ?). : “Uh=Ve vere tolld : <you> hadd no
vatches left.” (I immediately took deeper heavier malice=filld
breaths, to harass THEM ! — : But even the air was tastier than
ours : fuller robuster spicier. Made you automatickly think of

(: Aff — : FRG. / : FREES ; POA — : “Whaddya say ?:

Diff’rent air here than <at the plant, huh ? !”. And she,
wind=dusted, cape aflapping, feet berry=swabbd, nodded with
zest. Also pointed — delited, but politely=mum — a pensil=thin
finger at the fiery calotte belo. : “Go ahead’n’eat it; and it’Il be,
as you’ve now learnd, a cheap drunk. — Lota farmers brew
<toadstool=milk soup» outev *em even nowadays; and set it out
in little bowls to poison flies with.” She processt this informa-

our <wind=bags>, those airy=fairies, come up with a mixchur

like that ? ’d be like livin’ in <Da=Vos> : | more nota=bene for
your slate, Mister Hampden.) Then I pulld my soot on again.
The hi=voist Yakoot was now coaxing the tap=cock on the
rubber=hose into my belly=valve. (And I let her pump me
plump’n’ full. — Was it airtite allover ? They were kind enuff to
lend round ‘cats: to frame:
Skwatted down. Circumtraced 1 very colorfull leaf on the
 3 OONDOCKS BH 367

ground with her finger. And remarkt, off=handedly : “The one

with the <hi voyce> is female o’course ? — I shoulda knowd.” :
“Yes, should He do Her ? — Or are you gonna satisfy me later-
on ?” : Quick as a bunny, the rebuffingest mask was knee=hi :
“Do what y’ want.....

softly. (Easy enuff : ’t’s where the owly rasscul clawd me ! —

But quick to soothe, applied the needed stick=on patch.) / Cir-
cling around me again now. — ? — And the confirmatory thump
on the shoalder : !. (And additional vig’rous nods at the helmet=
windo. So I could click the visor back into place. And breathe :
Aaabhh —
(But it kept up, with changes rung on every tone of voice; (spe-
cially the young guy; the older one was quite reeznubble) : from
<x=change of ’pinions> on thru <verball skirmish» and <battla
words>, to purebred <chin brawl !). / He, proudly : “I am <Sel-
lanick> !”. (19 years old, this kid; and they were already using
<selenik> as the term for the moonborn. Whereas the other=
older ones were merely <earthniks>.) All the while checking if
the Yakooti beards were <trim=ripe>; <Prepare for Beard=
Inspeckshun>. (The tallest of the four was, as my colleeg
explaind, a <Hero of the Beard>; with the ’propriate small
medal. — And only now, what an iddiott I am !, did it strike me :
that the <hi=voyct one> was so marvellously smooth of face : ? !
— And my colleeg nodded confirmation) : “Ve like groups of
3:1. Sometimes 1:3, too : no propp=lemm.”
L also now learnd how Reshevsky had doopt me by writing down
the most=complickated rekwest for food he could come up with
in a jiffy. And they lifted amused hands : “Vatt nonzents ! —
Simple <ya gollédyen> vud be zufficient. - uh=Vood you like
somethink elz ?”’. (But I knew the debt I owed my country, and
declined the offer with 2 gentle hands) : “Nono : Thanx. — Not
necessary.” (And smile. Tho my heart was breaking : FRESH
LIVER TODAY — I could see the phrase before me as if painted by a
master. 1 small intimate bowl beneath it, potato=laden; (or piled
hi with stiff masht brown=beans maybe). The heavy aromatick
slices on top : onion gondolas rocking on the gravy=sea.....:
I automatickly wiped my mitt across my watering mouth... .)
“At most, ifyou have=uh : 1 shotta vodka ? Just 15 drops=
orso ? —” : “Budovgoarse ! — uh=Andrei Grommikovitch ? —: !”
/ (And curiosity got the better of me again. Or p’r’ aps, thirst for
368 M ARNO SCHMIDT

nollij is closer; I askt, while we toasted) : “Mite I ask : how you

manage to prodoos this ? It is genuine vodka, isn’t it oS They
nodded; well=satisfied; in asiatick self=repose : ‘sindeed :
they’d had the fore=site while still=on=earth to find an ideal
solution to the secret of producing vodka from pumice=stone :
“Ve could convert the hole=moon to vodka. — Altho many
among=us prefurrr the kind ve make from bracket fungus.”
(She started to smile; but gave it 2nd thot pretty quick and
ponderd the image : a star made of vodka.....
: “Or if you like... ?”; and an inviting hand=motion in the
direction of yon hi=voyct Yakoot. (And a few tender words —
she broke into vig’rous smiles; and thrust her shoalders forward
cokettishly. And back again ! : things stirrd pro=missingly upon
here.
She bent down, as if incidentally. When in=fackt these
<incidentallities> were 1 of her strong=points. Pulld the hem
of her skit up at the front; and filld her lap with lovely foliage
disks : Fill thou, at least, aureate autumn, the robes & lap; of my
ebontiver nese
Ee ea but I declind all the same, <coolly» as possible : Nono.
(Which was made significuntly easier by his mentioning how
she’d taken ’em all on, ev’ry race of mankind «to keep her bludd
moving». — : “Nono much=thanx.” Also : “I’ve got more than
enuff to do in that regard at home.” the heroic no=shun occurrd
(Omer. ne
(: ?— But insteddev toucht thanx, she just gave a weighty growl :
“Don’t try t flush me up : I wouldn’t wanna see you in a
sitchyashun like that.” — (Presumably from the French <fléchim,
huh ? <Touch move soften» — nicely Germanized; must make a
Note Cities. =.
But : “Vat he have to say —” (with a certain disdainfull emfasis
on the <he> : the selenic hoodlum ‘“— bout his <Merican mitt=
ologee> ?”. And he, conciliating : “That is our term for vat
you call=uh —” (and actually snappt his fingers, the bastard, as
if he couldn’t think of the appropriate ee=kwivvalent rite off=
wnt |, 4)
» “. . uh=Criss=jannitty.” / I was struck rather speechless. / :
“You mean to say that... ?”. But he just gave a calm nod : “Our
school=chilldran know nutting about this. — And ve=oldervuns
regard it as hallmark of healthy commonsends : if someone
shows no interest in bye=bull.” — I turnd in bewilderment to the
 1, OONDOCKS @ 369

poor=lost young man : “But don’t you wanna go to heav’n

someday ? !” — He cast me a fleeting uncomprehending look;
(while the human ram infronta him obliging raised its chin to let
the bounty of its fleece be felt). Then went on; but only in pass-
ing from over his gangster=shoalder :
“Oh bud I am already in heffun.” And <my colleeg> gazed
peacefully at us two : serene, smiling : Have these people then
no... yes, no what, at all ? I couldn’t come up with it at the
moment. And he, smug’n’snug : “The suggzess of your <Merican
mittologee> thru=out hiztory is demonzdraded for eggsample
in the fagt : that Aristarchus of Sa=moss knew more about
azdronomy than=uh — : vat vass hiz name=now, Ivan ? That
Pole=ish fello, from Frombork —”. And once again, back over
his shoadler : “Copurr=niggoose.”
I steppt up to the half=child. 1 askt pointedly : “What can I do to
convints you of the truth of the Crischun faith ?”. And he, 1
beard in each hand, icily : “Hangk yourself : and rise again 3
days lader.”
Without a word I snappt my space=helmitt shut. Tightend my
wing=nuts all around. (Was the blassfamously big=bosomd
Yakoot holding her nozzle up to me again : ? — The ozone=
reservoir on my back seemd still to be intackt. / We — my
kolleeg & I — tried out a new wave=length, one where no=
one would disturb us if possible .....: “Gudd. Verry gudd.”
(Yes; okay by me; I can hear your wicked Rushin=English
too) : “Roger=roger”. / And we moved out, led by a Yakoot,
thru the official door. (Does | of those owls have to come
along ? !)
Thru the gloomy rows of shelves : provocative shimm’ring of
tins : thanx ! : but I'll have nothing to do with blasfeemers.
(And by the better lite beyond the 3 of us, now saw that they’d
mended the crater=floor and =walls; cement=salve visible
ev rywhere : understanddabble; had to be air=tite.)
And suddenly pulld up short again — (at Ice, an obliging crackle
in my earfone) — : “Uhm-my nylon=rope — ? —”. He gave | brief
clap (acknowledging ackommodating even soothing) on my air-
cushiond shoulder. Turnd round to my other escort — still in
shirt=sleevz; these guys must be made of rott=iron I swear : it
was getting colder the further we went ! Held up all ten to his
face; (who did ditto with his) : and they began fingering away,
enuff to make my head hum just watching : I'll have dreams of
370 M ARNO SCHMIDT

that too in the nite ahead. (I alreddy had a bit too much matterial
as aimattera tact ws.
The Son of Siberia saluted now, a la 0.k. Got the most earnest
look in the wurld on his face and spoke to the bird percht heavy
on his shoalder : — — (and damnd if the beast didn’t listen, as if it
understood absolootly ev’ry word. Even nodded its fierce face.
(<White as the felt=yurts of our fathers» : wasn’t that in Kennan
somewhere ?). Slo’ly, solemmly, all=knowing, x=tended its
wings. And disappeard on hi.....
Soe ee le aan ieee) Eee
(And the red=featherd critter beside=me smiled in delite : with
her whole fierce face : loved anymals, she did; no denying.
’"Fonly I’d come into this wirrld as a little owl : “Would y’
tender some ’feckshun to me then ?” She nodded : in that case,
yes. On our left a large=lovely=silent meado was just passing.
Not that a granger=dude hadn’t already begun to plow it under,
natch. — And to the rite=too, the woods were thinning out. A
teeny <primal floodway> dis=played its shy inundated=meadow :
very North German; very beautiful. ....
uh, era yes; and then just wait. / But here it came, «white as
snow», soundless, (i.e. : how could it have come otherwise ?
Nono; I’ll not let myself be impresst any further.), and sank
down again. On the shoulder of the — outa pure=malice I called
him a <Tung=goo>. In the hook of its mitey=beak, my pallid
rope hung in fear; (and I wound it, clothesliney, round my fist
& elbo; 30, 40 times; (and it obligingly held on for me); and
sevrull more times — more than was any fun at least. (It didn’t
want to let go of the final safety knot; tugging didn’t help —: ! —:
— only after the Koryak scolded, even threatend it : ! ! ! — did it
drop it savagely; cocking its ugly mug this way & that in rage;
and wingd away, in wide hi=spyrals:.....
: “Why’s he rubbing his stomick like that ?”. And my kolleeg,
the All=Sough’ring, (<The 100 names of Allah> : “They prize
ow=ells as game for table. — That=vun is on aeriall bat-
LOLS dete
She walkt before me on skinny shanx : “Hey, is that true ? !
Do they really ? —”; (was obviously thinking of the myster=
merry owl of last nite.) / And this was the thickasst | — using
a tried’n’true police gripp on the neck, I led her up to tree=
columm — (She went <Oooww> just on printsy=pull; but happily
snuggled head & shoalders firm against my hand; was way
 # OONDOCKS @ 371

too=curious herself) — I led her dainty nose up to within 4

caer: yet another door ? — He had the key for it of coarse.

Unlockt it with bravado. And invited with his hand — : ! — (So,
duck under. And in...)
: A spiral=starecase ?. — (And he nodded; with that damnd
<Asiam> serenity. : Weren’t people on earth always talking about
<Asian> flue; with anxious hearts at the 1st sneeze ? Or collera ?
— But for this guy=here, with <serenity>) : “Vy nott ?”. (Sure-
sure; agreed; why not : why not spyrall=stairs, too, for that mat-
ter ? — Given the present rue=in=nation of my sub=conscious,
it’s all the same t’ me. With that same hand=motion, he coulda
been inviting me t’ join him in an owl hunt; (maybe the
<hellthiest> <holesomest> thing’d be to constrew it all as a dream

“Don’t nod so quick, Hertha : the issue may be somewhat more

difficullt to resolve than y’ seem to think. — And hold your leggs
still; so that, for the howmanieth time since yesterday, I can
x=tricate you from the brambles.” / Kneel & Eckstrick. (Keep
comin’ up with these company names ! <Shuttup & Fixit I re-
minded myself.) (Tasting her fingers in my mouth; sampling her
skirted thighs with my brow; also seizing the opportoonity, very
unlikely to present itself again in Nordhorn, for a clamp=caress
of hands in the hollo’s of her knees. Her shoes stood on Ashen
& Green. The wagon=rutted lane sloped away softly .....
cs 6 and in the end=less cold=serpentines of a stairwell : a
column of stone in the middle; (not so thick that a man couldn’t
’ve got his arms round it). While we moved ever up=ward in the

: at two=hundread I got the shambles for the Ist time : “How-

many steps are there ?”. He rested, too, rite=behind me, in the
stonegray channel=ramp. And rockt his space=helmit — : rO=
menny. : 11 hunndredd : 12 hundredd ? — About 100 sazhen.” /
First they’d seald off the crater=depot here. Then pummpt it
fullev air. And then the Bolshies had devvelopt a systumm for
blo’ing <smoke=roofs> over them : that simultaneously pre-
vented air from esscaping; and servd as proteckshun against
the cold of space; (and not just that : created a sortev <green-
house effekt>; so that Siberians could run around down there
372 M ARNO SCHMIDT

in neg=glizhays.) / And from up=top these <smoke=roofs> lookt

like normal sand in any given MARE : the bastards could even dye
"em! : “Abzolootly true to nadchur.” (Thanx, but not my sorta

(Cause this was a quite a diffrent sort, rite ? / She had infact
leand back in the mean=time; gainst my chest. (So make it
broader now; thatsit; a Mitey Man; thaatsit. — (She was, how-
ever, leaning damnd . . . . how should I put it ? : <biznusslike,
indiff’rent matterafact=brassy>.) Even crosst 1 leg over
th’ other, and folded her arms.) “Sweetherta, ’m I s’posed t’ be
your wall ! ? — Is your true=lover no moren 2 hundredwait of
meat ?” : “I thot you weighd a hundred=atey ?” she replyd
roodly. Lolld more callously. And enjoyd the silents, a carefree
circum=ogling earthnik . .
Silents. And gray murk; & wwinnd; (at first more; then only just
a tad of winnd; Now nawt but <wind>). / The 100=yard=wide
primal=floodway, as noted. (I.e. : mite be a mere 80 ?). Telltail=
deer on our left ? : Telltail=deer on our rite ? — (But none were
there. All the same : stand here.) / Earth’s grass gave a whissle.
(Follo’d at Ice by a rattle of wind, soft, mid follij.) The steam-
rolld gray velvet of meados. 1 willoboy with stringy forelox.
(Mostly alderbushes, tho, as per Auntee Heeta. One was just
whisking in the wind.) And another shake of head : at this=

sa: lichens, stone=inhabitants, gen’rally formd the Ist layer :

preparing the soil, for subsickwent larger vegetation... ..
(“: <Vetch it, Asian ?” she gave it a try, paying Webster no
Mund: [ist=lke=mer we
eerhe meaning for mosses & lesser urbs. : “Verry ritch in
startch. Even nowadays our Keergeez like to use manna lichens
for bredd.” “’m awarra that.”
(And the pit, pro=vocatively neat — and not just the chizzling;
no : the maint’nents too — knew no end ! : We stompt ourselves
gnarly snarly & charly=horst up the stony tube; forever round
the centershaft; (and the walls all empty & gray, ribbond
nothingnasses, thru which we gaspt and draggd our shados; (: so
this’d be the next I=tem to appear in my dreams; this heinous
char=womanshaft; (xept I'd have to fly then, in slo=haste, up it.
—’fonly these guys ’d ’ve set a mosaick=stone in here & there !
<PUBLICK ART> Or sumsuch Darmstadtian slogan; (<Darmstettian
patturns> — : weren’t those the skribbles on meteorick=iron ?
 BOONDOCKS @ 373

The ones that appeard when y’ pourd something on something ?

= But he'didn’t'kno either.) /. 7 3. EGE y/-
: And atlast the round box=top above us ! —/I first sat down on
my butt; I was the guest afterall. (While he screwd away; and
softly cusst in Russian — let’s assume : not at me; but at the last
user.) / Shoved up the trapdoor. Vawlted away. And I did some
liter jimnastix m’self. (The least of which would’ve made me a
world champion back on earth — «dismount with double=twist at
7=degree of difficullty>, or whatever terms they had for their
polly=applawded bonebreakers back then : our <moonborns>’d
simply have to lose mussell=strength over time, rite ? Certainly
didn’t need ’em anymore. Morer less just a wise giftagod; in His
fore=site, kindly providing for our quicker & easier adduppta-
tion=here ? — Call it to Marshall’s attention at some point : what
mite he have to say to that ? He’d have to convert someday, as
he well=knew : he can’t shut himself off to the truth much
longer : hadn’t Mumford already hinted that GOd is a jealous
GOd; Who doubtless releases any special rations only to His
OWleer ear
(“<LOrd, Thou who so lovest the pious : that Thou givest unto
them of Thy riches... .. !>.”; I quickly cited the Hermanns-
burg’s motto : “’Zounds Louis Harms & Candace ! : And if
you=2 make Irish=stew so tasty even a judicious Richter stuffs
himself till he gets a hernia... .. ?”. And she nodded much :
“You don’t know how embarasst I was when you askt for
thirds. —"

live in the Free West; we’d gladly leev Ural=methuds of that sort
to These=guys=here ! / (But it was always int’ resting to watch
Marshall’s struggalls of the soul : sometimes — after the latest
cigarette issue to be x=act — he’d grudgingly growl along to
summa the more smarmy chorals. Automatickly rock his mas-
sive torso in time to the <Te Deum laudamus> waltz — only to
<wake up> as it were, cut=it=short; and scowl as if caught off=
guard — : Nono !: We’d save his soul yet ! Not=to=worry .....
(“<The discovery of a beautyfull human=soul : profits much. —
Still finer profit : its preservation. — But lovliest & best : the
saving of alost soul !>”.....
Ns ate Marshall’s, in this case. (For a «Beautiful Soul» He had !
— Way back at the start, when we were setting up pumassing
operations, he had once bello’d defiants to : “Allev’em, be they
374 M ArRNo SCHMIDT

preests, founders of religions, or fillossifurrs <crying wisdom on

ev’ry star in the heavens» ! : Not bad atall. —). / And the quotes
were all still nicely intact — okay, so I’d had a good...:
“What's up ?” —
Because He stood there, his wooden gaze fixt on the pole=
star; in his hand the better hiking=map. Measurd & mumm-

(Cause the turtsyum comparatsy=onus was <«mummble> : ? —:

Ah that’s it : “Just come along, silly ! — It was so dry here
this=summer : you’re not gonna get your footsies wet. — No=
wait; I’ll make the sackrifice; and walk on ahead... .” / And
make strides of demonsstrative caution. (And here, 50 yards
ahead, Hertha’s longd=for flooidity just had to appear, couldn't
help but : these solitary alderbushes would have to sho her the
way : they couldn’t help=butt either. / (And constuntly feeling=
ahead, manly & inconspickuous, with a foot burdend by 90
pounds Geert.

concord; 2 cour=yours; in leaps that woulda made Jugurtha jeal-

ous; (and/or his fascist foe; I was at a loss for the name at the
moment — <Musso=Musso> ? —). — : “Uh=Mussorgsky ?”. —
(Jesuscraist, keep thy grace !).....
And swaggerd in a manner to which the — litely vawlted — sur-
face of MARE CRISIUM could not have been so crewally subjected
Since sitscre=alOnwms ees : “Vorrm=ation !” he admonisht
gravely. ....: since its for forkreation=then. / (Unfortunately,
the scowndrull had much the brassier cheek : at | point, not
finding the ’propriate word, he crowcht down; and with cocky
fingers drew a drommaderry in the sand. : “Three : Three !”.
(Not a bad wrendering, either. As if He’d done nothin else His
hole life long x=cept construct rebuses : what a packa lies ! —
Deep abwhorrents seizd me. : I’d’ve loved to tell him that we
lived off whales all last winter.....
(SHE— Seeing the tokens of <lower> (i.e. : humble !) nature, with its
mycro=climes & fawna=under=mouse=size totally un=conver-
sant assfallt=lass, gazed about her in a manner
ner that a joory of angels would dawtless have taken as grounds
for divorce ! (Or was her pretty brain once again sketching
fabrick=patterns to augment our pross=pairity ??......
pees But I concockted <fish=ponds> at least ! : Uptop, 50 yards
of ice=cover; below warmer water pumpt in, plus oxy=jin :
 , OONDOCKS @ 375

“Canadian arktic=species.” (He nodded much; it was all too

beleavable unfortunately. / And at once He gave me titt for can-
did tatt; in the form of fibbs about <egg=craters>, where
no=more & no=less than absolootly ev’rything that could be
preservd <in this form», was. : From the eggs of the giant=owl
on; rite thru those of laydy=buggs. (With his seeming to lay
great store by cock=sealias in gen’rull; jujjing from his — rather
muddled — x=planation, they made some rather important dis-
tincktions — : ‘“Dependin’ on the numberra spots ?”. — But We
simply couldn’t come to a meating of minds.) / He was just that
much more precise, however, about the terraria; where they —
<allegedly>; please note — hatcht & pastured mushroom=gnats,
=flies, =beetles. Then turnd ’em loose on fungus=cultchures : !
— (They had establisht the moment of greatest larval=infussta-
tion; — He called it <en=ritchment=vith=animull=brotein>.) —
: “And there’s always <honey=fungus in camel=milk> ? Rite ?”.
— (But This Guy was soo thick=skinnd ! : He just=nodded
: “May=I make the introduckshuns ? ! — : — SSwimming=hole :
Miss Hertha Theunert.> —. —’ / (And embarasst sighlents. — (Le. :
on her=part; J knew the area afterall. Gen’rully speaking.)
—: “?” —(<Hithah he comes. — : Thithah he goes :»). —
—: “I still havn’t heard your <THALATTA>. — Were you x=peckting
a vast, raydiant=bloo bodia water ?” (Her eyes remaind fixt on
the dinky=merry crick. — (J am simply too fonda watercourses
10 to 12 miles long : that can build fish=ponds; and squiggle at
ev’ry gusta wind; and trimmd with ice, glitter by moonlite ! —
The way this=1 here, f’rinstants, tried to pay its complimeants
with, very defft, babblings. —). / And so «bridging» x=plana-
tions. — : “Look there : it’s 2 yards wide on avvridge — a good 3
rite here ! —: if not 4 by this=plank —: and rite there it’s formd a
very=nice pool. Where you, if you’re clever — and you are; that
much I kno ! — : can swim, well — : I’d say — : at least 4 to 6
strokes.”
(Lonng pause.). —
As hoped, she demonstrated enuff courrage renewd=delite to
step up to my side. We stood still : the brooklet glided ever=so
propper. (Now and then it made little dimpulls : from tosses of
wind.) / And constant encurrijment : “Hey, in=summer — : why
it’s a downrite «snuggly» corner ! — Tho I’m not fonda the word.
— But just imagine these alder bowers... ?: y’ can admire the
white=puff of pussies even now . . .” / (She obediently steppt
376 M ARNO SCHMIDT

out onto the plank. Carefully pulld | of the switches down to her
nose. Gazing, indecisive, about. — But I was <in luck> : here, from
the middle of the plank, the pool lookt more respecktubble !) :

(Where the predda=cessor of this plank had once been. Till it

rotted away.). / : “Couldn’t somebody saw ’em off, Karl ?”.
(And, still hesitant; (but looking=round more at=home : try=
umff !)) : “Then it’d —...: allmost=be .. . .” — (and her limbs
tried a lassyvious little imitation : !.) / And look=up again. And
with x=panded gaze swept the further meado : near=yet=far,
just rite, the lovely wooded=corridor, (<Corregidor>); on the
rite, infronta the cow=pasture, the copse of birches; (they
surged a bit, as if on command. — But I was busy doing some
whispurring of my own) : “Pickture black’n’ white bossies out
there —’. (She was very fond nicknames from playfarms strait
outa the Ore Mountains. A <cow=up=close> was another matter.
Calves at most.)
(She cast a more pessymisstick look down her body). — :
“Welll. : For my few body=parts ... .”. (Soliciting consolation
with her eyes / ?. Which I — in my fashion, of coarse — lavisht
at wunts) : “You’re much too moddust bout ’em, Hertha :
Yunno too well what miss=chief those <bodyparts> o’ yours
tend to work on me. —” / (Wind shapes slitherd : long trax cross
the grass. Slappt bushes; (a % of which bent=back). Piped
on branches — : the treetops up=over=there were quick to
shiver’n’ scatter — : If only a deer wood appeer now ! — Making
Hertha all <Diana>!...
.:/: and be=pintch my arm so hard I almost let out a curse;
her mouthlet held open, egg=sized (and=shaped), (now laying
a hand to it to muffle her breath somewhat); but her nose was
doing all the roadsigning necessary : ! —. — / (And her eyes
sparculld — “If he doesn’t see ‘em sparklin’, Hertha !” — the way
only an urbanette can marvel when an avridge=deer hobbles
leesurely along at 150 yards. — And tosses its butt hi in=the=air
at every step : why the LOrd fitted out their rears with those
white targuts is somethin’ he’ll have to answer for; Ice again, /
can’t see the scents of it. On the contrary.) / Be that as it may :
Hertha was now inspeckting her presumptive <bath=tublet> with
such int’resst — <Encompasst by beauty rare clearest waters mid
dense groves women disrobing> : “Il approach you disguysd as
 FOONDOCKS Ml 377

a deer —”; (with antlers & rut=gland, I gloomily added, in thot))

—and she was in such an obvious Claude=Lorrainy mood, I riskt
the akoostick final floorish :
“Should, y’know — allthings cunsiderd — suffice for your
urinator skills.” —
And the Fury whirld around ! And scorcht me: ! ! (It was thanx
solely to my prolletaryan super=bones that I didn’t crumball to
dust on the spot.) And hisst in diss=gust : “Dammit — : Can’t
you ever thinka nothin’ else ? !”
(But gazed at me dumb=founded : so awethentick was the move
of left hand to brow. And then, in protest to my heart. — (Plus a
thwack of my rite, too : first, it was stagier; and besides, she
knew of my impressive=acute heartsickness.) — And silent; x=
pired submissive, as behooves some | worthy of the title <ut-
terly innoscent») : “Latin —: <uri=na=tor> : <the diver>. —”.
And silents. / She recanted : with mini=gestures. (Fijitty shoe-
tips ’nsuch.) Ruefull & mum. (Not with words; women don’t do
that on=principle.) (And still the hand to my <broken> heart :
Ahhhhhbh : can’t breathe : I'll teach you what ruefull is=
you ! —)
“But those post=stumps ’ve got to go. —’; She, with
pleading=nuzzling voyce : ? — While I (still incapabull of
speach : the injustice had simply been too great !) unfolded,
morerless <with my last ownts o’ strength>, my Big Knife : with
the saw=blade : gladly. (But would I still be able to drag myself
back to Auntee Heeta ? ’tis dowtfull, my homo=side=all child. /
Me, then, with most lubborious steps.....
ee while the guys=up=top braggd on unflaggingly) : about
cork=stalx the siza quonset=huts, hollo’d out; (sheets bales
stummps). / About yello=green mimi=crying=skwirls .....
(I knew what She liked o’coarse. She pickchurd it in delite;
nodded eagerly; (and used the incomprabble opportoonity to
in=sinewate herself with me again, using a pretended stagger
with concommitant use=urpation of my arm -. —: ?. (And I,
the genial fool, went ahead & clampt said arm litely — bitter=
Dittere a
a About grains : barley=strains cultivated on the plattoes of
Tub=bet —” “prackdickly in vack=yumm zo to zpeak.” / (Whet-
ting each other’s apputites : with boguss can=labels !) / Even
whettier : Age of Cuntsent ! (And I movd up=ahead by a
frackshun of an intch, so brashly=realistick was His disckrip-
378 M ARNO SCHMIDT

tion of how those=few men could barely man=age to <de=

vlower> All the 14=year=old Rushin’ girls. On earth they'd
carefully seleckted — all <allegedly>; please note ! — those maid-
ens with gynetick=records that indickated a propensity for
berthing twins & tripplets. Had traind ’em as best they could to
be <speshallists>. And once they’d passt their final=x=ams, got
"em very pregnant. —: And then shot ’emup!.....
She dallied so sweetly on the plank that even I started interpolat-
ing all sortsa swimmy=notions) : “Sweetest Hertha — : Mite I
frame a fantasea in words ? As longas you're still so content
with the lowcation ? —”. And She; tho nodding purrmission, set
another test as precondition : “A real beau ’d use his beloved’s
hand to dip water — and drink from it. — ?” (‘fits nothin’ moren
that : I’ve had t’ drink worse — and outev worse too) : “Hertha ? :
Your hand. —”. / I thrust mine own down onto her shoulder. So
that she bent like a willo=twig; buckled in fact. Dippt. : And
slurpt. — : ? (And She, in thanx : “Yuck=yuck !”)
(But <fastiddyous posing» was pointless : best finish=off the
swimming=themes; curt & suggestive — (and here came «theme
of Cherson> : <in Anatolian themes» to interpose; spookt away
quickly with a lifted hand) — and a voluptuous depicktion) :
Augustus John <THE WAY DOWN TO THE SEA>
: “Summer=Hertha ! — : You=threefold : on the banx; your
shado; your water=reflexion. Then, that it be four=fold : you in
the flood=now; <Lady Flood»; in dark=red swimsoot. / The
brook fulla blossoming waterplants. / Frekwent pebbly bottom;
with whole <schools> of tiniest fish. /Short=trimmd grass. Sun=
alders=meados=solitude. In=brief : 6 June 60, | p.m. !”
(And even I started to get stirrd : forgetmenot=verdure on the
banx. ’Zounds quakegrass & catchfly. / In the far fields — only
visiball in the <field>=glasses : hents the name ! — 4 farmers are
turning hay. : “You climb out : a maiden of great copperd
legworx.” (Breasts belly abdomen <mere> gilt. A birdcherry
head. <Curious the herbs visible betimes in her hair» : refined,
dontcha think ? !). / “Radiants & glissning : glissen=faced; still
damper orbs of eye; your hair sometimes awry. : watermarx in
your damp=leaf . . .”. (And now I decided to go for sly !) :
“Y’ see, that’s tippy=cul ! : while ago y’ got all x=cited at that
inno=scent <urinator>. Now, when there'd be real reason. . .”.
(She gazed in vacant innoscents; she was unfamiliar with
hunter’s jargon. So my graze=pit can just go ahead ’nd moisten
 3 OONDOCKS @ 379

up again.)
(But we lookt at I another, too, in a certain regard, more un-
certainly. & allround.) : The nearby <Zonall=Border> ? / And
imajined — <Children of the 20th Centchry> — our <flite>; <«ready=
ness is all>; (quoth Hammlett). / : Hide in the brook. (If need be
with a heavy flat=stone packt on your back : get=air thru a
straw. Like May=folx, rubbd down with oil : so y’ can slip outa
enemy hands; ’zounds Satan & Ischariott.) Wouldn’t have much
body temperchur after a coupla hours, I grant; but come morn-
ing, round 4 o’clock, a white streak was sure to form above the
water : at which point y’ mite slither=out. / And then on into
some firry bower. : “Where, acoarse — soon as we’re warm &
dry again — Hertha... . ?” (She gave a measured musing nod, a
la <Then sure; make no diff’runts>.) / Then, after said day of
holding=out, further flite=in=the=nite. : Imitate dog barx now
& then; trick the distant=strange village dogs into answ’ ring, so
you can figger out again where you are : as far as possible from
the Ammonstill=yaddo=piss of *cupation troops, be they
Mank=orl—V ane
exer. they had 16'/, thousand inhabbitunts ? — he couldn’t put
that 1 over on me ! (Almost 13,000 of °em women ? —I stoppt in
my trax & made a vice 0’ my thighs —). / And were — allegedly,
please note ! — not atall jealous cause we'd <forced> ’em to take
the farside 0’ the moon back then. : “Vee are pro=deckted. From
earth=zickness : from all noogleer=radiazhun vhattever.”
(That’s true, sure : alotev Us start sobbing at descriptions of old
earth in our hymns; lovlier than all of Solomon’s silks. / And the
Bollshy referrents to the «coming 248th nite» was undeniably
more correct. Not to mention more <pracktickle>.)
“<No, nod adall. — Ve var verry=heppy to be able to thro
mutch=mutch ballast over=board : all of re=litchon and jeeog=
graffy. Most of hiz=tory & bio=lojee. — In its place : loonar=
data; matta=mattix; nad=jural=zi=entses.” / (The simple fact
that they’d got etym=ology off their backs, and with it the
hole bungle of orthog=graffy : a not unenviable accomplish-
meant. And he nodded) : “Ve svitcht — kvick & painless — to
fonetick zbellink. — Insteadev your by=bull=furrzes, our chil-
dren mammmorize formulas : somethink praggdickle.”
But turnd earnest. And saluted, as if skyward : to the gentle
burning disk of a planet. (“Marz=in=close=progg=zimity=to=
moon.” — I did indeed envy him his telescope : almost waitless;
380 M ARNO SCHMIDT

just aloominum, and lenses of presst plexiglass. Magnifickation

up to 120: no trouble making out details on the diskeuh.". )
- “The Red Plan=it) ? ! —”; (now that was damnubble ettim=
olojee !) : “Granted. : But not what was meant at all !”. He gave
a smile, of victoryanizing consillyation : “Zubb=conscious;
pozzilbly. : <To New Shorze» !” / And turnd <urnnist>» again :
“Yez. They have ruff life. -” —/ (180 men & women, allegedly.
Near Fons Juventae. — All connexions severd : eating each other
up, in dissiplind fashion; 2 men a month. / Tho living=condi-
tions were somewhat easier : remnunts of an atmos=fear. Soup
made from a sortev <Icelandick moss». / But all the same :
within 10 years they’d be — “as gudd as in=evvitubble” — re-
duced to 20 men : “By then vee must be in pozzition : to send
help. And so, tho you zlander it much, sad to say, — long liff the
Enliten=ment !’’).
(Long may it live; «na zdarévye; yesyes. — But can it be that
these, these=skimmilk=ration=alists are out=stripping us ? Are
the more responsibbul residents of space ? While we, under the
screen of crisschun jesturings, just quake quibble bumble blus-
ter ? — But that’s something y’ don’t even dare think about ! :
What do I care about your deskripshun of a splenn=dud
<Gyknocko=logical Clinicky ? : Go ahead’n’breed, breed, all
you want ! Tunggoos Georjunss Ainus & Chechens : all you
wa) 5 oe oe
(And was the air ever turning soggier’n’soggier, Zoggyovsky.
We rinkled our faces. / And hoppidyd over the ditchlet : ! —
(That=deer was still waiting at the reer : for us to finally disap=
peer.) : “C’mon Hertha; it wants t’ eat.” She sneezd daintily
(while nodding consent). : “Don’t start tellin’ flu=ent tales,
girl.” / (And used her | free=rite hand wunts again to pluck the
thick=droppleted alien brantch from the toppa this firlet=here.
Repeating her immutabble pious=dicktum) : “So it won’t get
skwisht so bad.” : “If you wanna rescue it : you'll have t’ plant it
in your yard.”
: The soggy brown ferns : snappt & broken death. (And dying
junipers jammd in among ’em from on=hi; and bare=birches /
Harvest= & Heart=death.) / Behold : | pile of human=manoor ! :
The jakester had also sackriffyst his *backy=pipe, and stuck it
dead=center; Hertha had never seen the like; almost made her
sick. : “And I had to spend seven years in the millitarry : just try
*maginin’ that ! : *twas standturd pracktice.” Once again her
 - OONDOCKS @ 381

eyes flew across the defentsless spot where the des=pot in ques-
tion had sat; then turnd her back on him for all eturnity : “Well
it’s no wonder you=men ’ ve turnd out the way you are.”
: “Turnd out How ? What’s that s’posed t’ mean ? ! — Ohhertha=
Hertha I’m afraid : you’ ve still not realyzed that a being who, by
comparison, is as common as the feenix among houseflys, con-
siders you worthy of attension. But the LOrd will take me from=
you : Outa pure goddliness I'll. . .” — (as always, that got a rise
out of her. Here’s the trick : Silesians, and quite ritely so, make
a distinktion between <goodliness> and <goodness>; the former,
o’coarse, pronountst much like <gudd=linnus>; and also in-
vented the idiom <Outa pure guddlinnus I'll do suchunsuch .. .> :
To ice the cake, ’twas left to me to speak the <u> with a clever
shift to the <o>. She doubtless would have fretted around with
my goddliness today again, too; had her lovely eyes not fallen
upon the farside of our grassy path.....
: not 3 yards away, the gentle bristling of the next feeld o’ fern.
And I mean so oll=live=green, in such a state of khaki decomp=
position, that she could only grope for her notepad .....: “Hey,
they won’t go along with it, Hertha : that color is too
prickarious, I guarantee. - Unless you come up with a very
x=kwizzit print=pattern for it ?”. (And also, after she had
oraculld suffishuntly on payper) : “Let Us hie Ourselves some-
what : ’t’s startin’ t’ drizzle.” — (But first this beetle=here had to
bewlipptoversy a:
In her hand=bow! : the fello wrythed stiffly in his armor. Tosst
giddy=legs. Scuffled in patient=desperation onto 1 side —
(Hertha at wunts came to his aid with a slite tipp) — : and stood.
Stockstill at first; on 6 runners. Above his head, proodent
antlerworx. : And ran, without looking around, down the
hand=ramp; “To the tournament of Ashby=de=la=Zouche :
nawt but <organs> fore & aft.” We baffled long.
Markt trees ?—: “They intend t’ slawter’em soon.” We fusst all
the way along the wooded path. (And speedier strides ahead;
you could hear solitary dropps in the foliage now.....
“Chemm vy zanimayetyes ?” — (What was my job ? Oh
shit ! — «Slater» wasn’t a grand enuff ocu=pation for me, not as a
Member of Congress. (Tho I almost came up with assinine=defiant
frazes a la <poor but honest»; (nono : better a little dishonest, but
rich for your effarts : <Shun the right & do nary a thing>.)))
: “Uh: librayrian. — : What ? —: You too ? !” —(AllI need !). /
382 M ARNO SCHMIDT

First, 0 coarse, he ran down our Pocket=Boox. (They allegedly

had only <heavy simple linen binding»; with thread stitching —
must look pretty monottonus, too, pfff — I tried a lite=hearted
laff. (And above all dodge the question; the J question; that had
to come : about our volyoom count !). — I gave another laff :
“-Threddst=itching» — Haha !”, so crampt & forced that he got
quite embarasst, rite in the middla MARE CRISIUM — when all I

: “Did you bring an older ’cyclopeedia along for your hold-

ings ? For sev’ral «vestigial tecknologies> the 1=we=have has
stood us in rite good stedd.” (Me; ever so acca=demick=
responsubbly; in the manner of causeries in the corrydors of
colledges & liebraries. Tho my hi=brow furro’d automatickly :
<, . . they perform said operation on the slate-cutter’s block,»
came to me : <a wooden piece some eighteen inches high, a
secktion of whose upper surface has been chiseled out at a rite
angle.» : *zounds Sacco & Vanzetti ! : *pon my word, I knew
that crap by heart now, too !). He nodded earnustly; (while I was
cutting away at slate in my mind) : “Starchevsky; Lenn=in=
gradd, circa 1850 : tvelff volyums.” / : “Prob’ly haven’t got *ny
bibles, huh ?” : “2 Russian standurd=edishuns. In order to com-
prehend mentaliddy of Ammerrikanskii.” (And that brot him
TOUNd tO ee
“How many ? — Ohh; welll ...”; (and break into lite & lofty
laffter. / And side=step, once again, like some childish game —
he’ll soon have to take me for a blo’=hard for sure) : “How
many do you have ? — — Yes, good friend, but I can’t do much
with <shesstdyessyat tyssyach> .. .” —
So he obligingly wrote it for me in the sand, the sonnuvagun.
First a <6>; and he just wouldn’t stop making zerows : 60, 600,
6000 ? ? (And then added the last : sixty=thousand ? ! —). / (Wait ! :
there was still 1 escape=hatch !) : “All diff'rant ?”. — And it
didn’t sound like a lie when he nonshallantly replyd : “Budd=
yess. It vas carefully orrganized avgoarse : <plannd egonomy>.
Vee haff virtually no doob=blicuts.”
: “Yes, but in such a mass=society, what becomes of freedom ?
Of the individual ?”, [ counturd with an indignunt shout. But he,
unflappubble : “Nix=in=dee=vee=duel : lay=terr in=dee=vee=
duel.” (And infact had the gall to inquire, half=jealous, whether
we had all that many individuals ? They, at any rate, had been in
danger of everyone bringing along <Quiet Flows the Dom; or
 3 OONDOCKS @ 383

the real party=faithful bringing <Das Kappytal> or the <Ory=gyn

of the Fam’ lee> —: “. .. and vere vood vee be now ?”. — Nono; in
their stax the only multupple copies were a few tecknickle worx
and log=tables.)
(But I can pump him all the same, trap him) : “How do you=
guys=there solve the problem of school=texboox ?”. (The
voyce in my earfone displayd manyfest astonishment) : “As
long as they hold=up. Venn they can no lonker be rebound :
then vee print new vunns.” (Now if that was true it meant they
had absolootly ev’rything : because that | piece of info carried
with it type=setting machines, printing presses, binders, paper=
mills, ev’rything. / But it couldn’t be true ! : We had our West-

Waaiit ! :
(For she had halted now, too, despite the gentle drum of rain, at
the fork in the road. As if waking from dreems) : “Must be good
cross=country skiing here.” — : “Were y’ lissnin’ atall to what I
was tellin’ you=us — outa pure goddliness ?”. She nodded gravely.
/ (But then there was skiing) : “Y’kno, glyding thru the gentle
woods .. .”. (Plus that foolish refined smile; apparently inevi-
table with anyone who resorts to such turns o’fraze. Like a
furro’d brow and an ejjucated farter. And that false=hi=German
poetick tone !) : “— uh= : sound=lessly gly=ding”; I bitterly
prompted, to round=out the image. (But she, irony=proof in
sheer rev’runts : “Soundlessly. : Gliding.” / And both standing
there. Huncht in the fog. The path plankt with. : tracktor=trax.
: “You could walk ’longside, see. — In hi=boots.” (Up to the
toppa my prick in sno, rite ?: Thanx heaps !).....
a ae and I stoppt in a spasm; in our dubble non=ski=trax;
amid MARE cCRISIUM : should I prove to this guy what sorta
indivijualitty=shop —— (mygod, why ’dI hung that inane «shop»
onto it ? Had my adventchores put a more seeryous strain on me
thiatsleers a Noacoarsenot: suure: DICKENS CURIOSITTY=SHOP :
hink=ille=’ndso=on.)
Yes ’n besides : didn’t our nashunal reppyootation make it
pracktickly my bounden=duty ? — 2?! —:/ So sit down; on the
nearest pylarox. And bring my cooryer=satchel round front, to
my belly : C’mere, poor non=indeeveeduel; and you'll see
somethin’ now. (And out with Lawrence’s manyoosk=rippt. —
And/or héartys' . 2.
(Him sitting beside me; all <bent=ear>. / Nodding now &
384 M ARNO SCHMIDT

then. (But critically folded his countenunts again rite away, a la

Tarpa). / (And I intenshunally read very well; fine=voyst, with
melliflewous x=pression : to hell with tanx & oxy=reserves;
this was gonna be a suxxess ! Prescise metrickall scanning : so I
20a COCd eae.
(The elbo’s of an <earthnik> slammd into my die=aframm,
nocking the wind rite outa me, (thankGOd only <top=side> !),
and I had to make an ungracefull bow.....
.... then he took the notebook in hand. (With an adept flat grip,
by the way; he mite very well have spent some time around
DOOX) s/s a4 ee /...: “He tran=slated ev’rything not=vell :
Stassyoolevitch is better. : vunder iff vee pozzibly=mite=use
it... 2; he rockt his head thotfully : “It iz really such olld
piece — : Vy=bother ? —’. (And Ice again that damnd polite
hand=spredd !). / And my thots raced : meaning...
: meaning, Lawrence had hoaxt us ? ! — : Us, with some
moldy ol’ tale or other . . . ?). /Meanwhile he had also pickt | of
the 2 old German leatherbounds off my knees. Nodded & paged.
And held out a passage to me; (with that same steddy silly
x=spurt=grip) : “Gompare yourself : he is very free in his
dreat=ment. — In gondrast to Stass=Joolayvitch.” (And I snatch
it up greedily. And back into the.....: No! : that goes in my
pantspockits !).
((And, as noted, let my thots race : now I had him by the throat. :
*zounds Noah & Ut=Napishtim : the bastard Il pay for this !. /
For having brot Us — (and above all me : ME I say : in my pure
goddliness !) — within an intch of making fools of ourselves
infrontev forr’ners ! (Was it not my presents of mind that had
saved us ? I was almost convinst of it myself now. Before I got
home, totally; as would only be ’propriate for those outraged
chest=tones of derision... ..
(the face, red=frayed uptop, nodded gloomily into the gray, ala
<Falsehood thy name is Karlykins>.....
tenets what a good thing that I — given my u=neek flexibility
when arguing; (tho <narrow minds» may sometimes drivel on
about <lack=of=charackter>; or shallow minds, lacking fantassee,
go so far as to speak of <falsehood>) —.....
(I had intended to slip this in as asortev «admonition»; but the
reddish face, borne by Lady Black beside=me, nodded again,
yet more gloomully) : “They always say : women are so
slipp’ry=shallo=false. But since gettin’ to know you . . .”
 =MB OONDOCKS WH 385

(Stuck, mid=stride, her left=little finger in her mouth; and

devowrd the x=posed rim of nail. I, beside=Her, aroused to
assinine=vapid remarx (my task, afterall, being to recktify
wrentcht sentiments !) :) : “Can’t you x=press yourself some-
what more civilly, Hertha ? — Differentiate between deseatfull
falsehoods : the sort that diverse <governments> sirculate on
printsypull. And=uh . . . : Didja know, that Raffa=El painted
Phara=oh’s dreams as soap=bubbles ? —’. (Need=less to say,
she was not aware of this.)
: “Could you not, then, differentiate between the in= genious
=nockuous inventions of your purest goddliness — : YOURS :
Hertha ! — and the afore=said port=follyo’ed swindlers of the
sitizenry ?”. — (Needless to say, she could not.)
(Instedd spat the nail=cressent — «moon in Ist tenth» — in the
bushes). Headshaking : “Noo. Karl. — : With you I always feel, —
like I’m walkin’ on ice. Nice colors, sure. But always about=
500=layers on toppa 1 another.” (And head=shakes. — : Just
wait, you! You=.....
SA cab (and still=sitting, wily. — She, Lady Lawrints, had abetted
it too. Been an active partissipant in the publick=hoax — : didn’t
I have Her in my hand too ? / And was alreddy licking my
Memm=burra=Cong=gress=lips : <inmyhand, inmyhannd) .. . ?).
/ Listend to his <fillasofickle x=planations> with only half an ear :
the way They sweet=talkt their=children, with :
In old «earthly novels» it was merely a matter of the author’s
<x=tended mind=games> : that fat heav’nly=body there morer-
less demanded to be <poppulayted> with fabled=beasts of all
Ssortsaicet
(Y’see : makes y’ wanna «stand stock=stirrd still>, at the very
<notion> ! — And the female did indeed just stand there) : “Hey,
justhink ! : Maybe we don’t even x=ist. And it’s just a <selenik>
imaginin’ Us ? !” : “Does not this rain disabuse you of the no-
tion 2” : “Nope. : He’s just thinkin’ It, too.” / She even wanted
to stop’n’ marvel at the black rowboat on the bank. — : “’t’s
fulla ice in winter —” (me; quick; trying to drag her along.) But I
had done the rong thing. Her mouth now opend in astonish-
meant; she layd her head, as was her wont, to 1 side and
pickturd it — : “Boats fullev ice» ? — : Ohh.” / (And the drops=
on=the=pond — <Poolafoocka=Poolafoocka> — set dotted=lines
under ev’ry 1 of her words : maid with water on her face. — Only
with the aid of a most=unchaste grip did I suckseed in getting
386 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

her to <trot on> : I was at a loss for any=other means ! : The word
<heron> had just passt her pretty lips; all we needed now was
<wild=dux> or similar mygrating floxamatter : if Iwere to tell
her bout how wedges of cranes, at full=speed=ahead, plow a
wake above Auntee Heeta’s house in March — (once, in ground
fog, they had rusht past a mere 120=feet above me, arms=
spreadwide in amazement ! — : since then I’ve been able to read
the CRANES OF IBYCUS again) — no, better move on : I’m 30 years
older, and it’s raining..... )
(Y’ wanna stop again ? ! — For simplissity’s sake, I laid an arm
cross her narro shoalders. And pracktickly carryd her along be-
side me — she liked that well enuff; she babbled on all x=cited) :
“Say — obh : there’s so many things here ! ? — : Just’magine :
Auntee Heeta claims that as a child she saw willy=wisps !
Ridin’ in a wagon; past a spot where they sometimes appeard :
’nd they latched onto the wheels, and rode along for a piece — :
is that possible ?”. (Possible, sure : bog=gas=flamelets. That get
caught in the <ether=realizing air> of rotating wheels ?) : “Oh,
mite happen, theorettickly, Hertha.”; (and x=plain; as well as
one — huncht & vext by all this rain — can x=plain it : Plopp ! and
finally 1 thick dropp landed square in Her eye, too.)
(Why the shillyshallying, fumble=foot ? — She pluckt=up cour-
age; and confesst) : “I want y’ to have me come runnin’ toward
y’ thru the sand up=there, too. — Other=wise you're sure t’
sock it to Lady Lorrenz=uptop.” (Not just <up=top>, my moist
child !). / (And, with fatalist=cockettry) : “Soon as you’ve had
enuff of me, y’ can strike me down with a meaty=ore any ol’
time. —”. (I contradickted of course, with passion, as is only
seemly. But the idea’s a good 1 : twill be used ! / And She, as
is only seemly, did not believe me rite off; first I had to tell Her
the sev’rall things that en=thralld me; yea, fetterd : yea : <en=
slaved> —) :
“Goood. : I'll meet you later then, in the survey=team, a spiffy
red=haird surveyor=ette. — : But then you’re gonna have to
sub=mitt to being led off into a wee=crayter, and no playin’
coy; and then=uh=you=know=what ! If you so much as pull a
face during what=phollo’s. Or scream for your <Tao> : then at
the x=act moment when I have to with=draw, I’ll have a shoot-
ing star slam into my spine and drive it back in again : that’ll
Serve y rite: SA) Darwen
este but <a bargain» ? : This=here ? — (He had started it — my
 # OONDOCKS M@ 387

pam=flett wasn’t all that much thinner — trying to keep his bit 0’
voice as lofty as possible — — ) : “You’ve got an epick t’ <trade>
too ? — From the <Great Paytriotick War» of 41-45 ? !” (The
thing was good ! — And embarrassing at the same time : We’d
been taken in by that word=shark Lawrence: Whereas here was
this=guy, all simple & unprententious, with a genuine sturdy
work of poetry ! (Sturdier I'd say infackt — : “Uh=how many
typed pages ?” : “2 hundrett and 95 : dupple=collummnd.” (And
tho on the <outside> my space=helmitt stood strait & proud on
my shoalders; <inside> my head was nodding more glumly :
sure; 18 less, just in page=count; (and if you converted that into
strokes, it’d be even more: so best ask no more questions.) But
<head hi, Hampden !>. First have a look what.....
eG. “What ? ! : Bi=linguall ? !” — And he just nodded : “Vee
have good trance=slaters — : Improof pee=pull to pee=pull con-
tackd —”; (and spreading hands & grins : now was that sweeping
cordiality; or just Slavick=Tartar dissembling : I couldn’t ’ve
pulld it off that well. / And bi=linguall : Oh the shame=the=
shame ! How stoopid & back=word we must look yet again. /
But first give it a listen; and I mean acritticulll.....?:

(“You wind=bag !” she said, en=amord fan=atick curious;

and shudderd titer in my rite arm shoving her shoulders more
briskly thru the more briskly falling rain) —

: “Verry baffled out=side Stalin=

grad the Gerrmans stood : yes baffled !
And no closer to the city
could the varriorrs come — : Yet often
to their camp proud knights from Stalin=
grad came ridink, darring=bold.
And their jampp=i=on undaunted
— Marshall Zhukoff vas he titled :
Terror of the Germans, Zhukoff .. .”

(and he went on swash=buckling like that for a good while.

Until, fed up with it, I rappt on his vizer : “Cut the combat=
sceens —”. And he, obliging : “Heppy to. — Bud=here . . .”)

: “Now he donnd his vest that fitted

tite and properr, vith no brraid=ing;
388 BM ArRNo SCHMIDT

then his blackest zatin=jacket,

broad of sleefe and nicely=padded . . .”

(the description of the Vicktry Celebration, 1945; how Konyev

decks himself out for the Allied Banquet) :

“Pann=taloons of Kostromanian
handvork; shoes of finest leather,
scar=lett scall=loppt; and two cotters
held them firmly, snuggly, nicely
on his little vell=trimmd feet. . .”

(disgusting ! / Whereas the Americans all had on clothes made

of somesorta packingpaper; most with Coke bottles in their
traditionless hands; crude gestures and lumber=jack=manners.
But the kindly Russians took good care of ’em; indulging what
was, after all, a people with barely 200=years of history. Showd
"em what a thousand=year=old culture is; gave slide sho’s for
the poor guys, <Kiev> and <Korsunian Portals» far’n’ wide. Read
"em some sorta <Lay of Igorr>; stemming from a time when
US=Americans : were, yes WHAT ? — : get that burr outa your
voice !)

: “Then the hat — for him 2 foes are

but a hairrr ploockt from his moostache ! —
fine the cloth in Smolensk voven
from vhich rose a rooster=featherr
marvel=lously long and red... .”

(<red> : natcherlly. — I just whistled to m’yself : his im=pudunce

was just too much ! / Those guys back then — notorious; our
boys’d described it well enuff in letters home ! — arrived bare=
foot, most of ’em; at best on scrawny ponies ...: y’see, here it
COMES yom)

: “... his nicely folded

hand=kerchiff vas stuck behind.”

(what if ev’ry 1 of us with a hanky ’d wanted t’ write an epick

on it !—(Altho : we’d soon be reduced to it. Best not think bout
that now.) — Nono; their old armurrd=wagons ’d been just too
 # OONDOCKS @ 389

sad. And all this red=omontade here, absurd; ’fonly he wasn’t

quite so over=bearing. / The interim peeriod til the <Pot’s=
Damn Conf’rents» — while we’d acted responsibully and
delibberated; heard committees of x=purts : whether to partition
Germany out of x=istents; or just castrate all the men under 12;
or level the hole terrortory to the ground; or whatever — : these
guys=here had apparently just made merry !)

: “In the blooming month of Easturrr,

vhen the earth puts on new rainment,
vhen the atchged vhite=haird motherr
is transformed into a fairrry,
to a nymph so comely=youth=full :
comes the conn=kring hero roaming,
he, the Soviet Marshall Konyev,
he, with adjutants ass=zembled,
comes unto the place the Germans
soon vere calling : <Eagle’s=Nest>.”

(and I couldn’t help giggling : it was 1 hellevan eddy=mollogy,

but a splen=did joke)

: “Passing thru an artch of honorrr

to the palace they proceeded.
From each vindow banners hangink,
tapiss=trees, all gold=embroiderd;
floorrs bedeckt vith boughs and brantches :
flowerrs herbs and rose=marrtree.
In the streets and in the alleys,
to the very palace portals,
echoing in mighty cho=rrrus
songs of bless=sink joy and mirrrth.”

(But some damn nice afforisms all the same ! — “Soviett=

Ruzzhia ? : from herr come no sissy=Marrshallls !”. (Just mite
X=propriate that one; and hurl it O’Stritch’s way the next time
he starts hassling us=civillions.) / Or the passage he’d just=read
: the Marshall had shaved; and

“e’re his chin a beard resprrouted,

300 M ARNO SCHMIDT

had he taken Germans prizznerrr,

yes, had taken five di=visions.”

: “Hearrrty vas the Marshall’s laughterr,

vhen he gave the rotny — Satan
to the terrrrorrrized Berliners —
kopeks by the heapink hand=full
to be scatterd then among=them.”

(That was definitely true : the Germans °d had their tails be-
tween their legs. Our boys, the Dillerts & Trunnions, had done a
proper job of wadin’ into ’em. : And barely 20 years later, the
silly asses let us whip ’em up against the Russians — those folx
were really mirackulussly ob=toose ! An infearior race after all,
I s’pose : the Anglo=Saxons are & will remain the salt of the
earth ! —)
(But what’s this ? : He’s close to sobbing !) :

“Ban=nerrs : noble ancient ban=nerrs,

old companions of the Marshall,
in and out of battles won...”

(<End of Dream» at most. : Shouldn’t it that have been <info>,

by the way ? Ahwell; consid’rin’ the wretched, mince=meat
mMetereerem ie

“Louderrr now the sound of rustling

pennants. Through the open vindow
comes a breeze, an east=vind blowink —
: vind and bannerrs fall in noble
silents now; the Marr=shall zpeaks .. .”

(Didn’t s’much as rhyme, pff ! : now this 1 of=ours.../ And I

jerkt my hand back from it again : that sonnova=sonnova=
bitch=Lawrence ! Wonder if I shouldn’t have him offishully
censured ? — Well, ’nany case take him to task privately first;
see what he has t’ say. And her : won’t be hard then to de=side
what my dootyis.....
 FOONDOCKS Ml 391

: “Wipe your shoes off quick, c’mon.” — / (But she wanted

to know 2=things in her hayste : a) “Why was He close to sob-
bing ?” : “Cause he was there with ’em in 45.” — b) : “What was
that He was reading from ? — There’s something fishy about all
that, too.” And me, bitter : “They call it a “libbrull edgickation”
in the Fed=drill Republick !”.)

(And the site of the entry=wardrobe spared me all further

vecksation : ’twas prob’ly a law of nature even in Sinanthropic
days that women cannot pass by an articull of clothing without
giving it the 1ce=over.) : “I swear :— A woman can’t go about in
anything but overalls round here —’, I heard her mussitating be-
fore Auntee Heeta’s pair. / And coats off. And here came
the head out of the kitchen : ? : “C’meah, m’deah. Help me
cahrry things in.” Sweethertha trotted obediently into our Lady
of the Lovelorn; (and I goldbrickt on into the parlor; where, tho
the table stood ready, they again appeard & vanisht in steddy=
commute.) —
(And sitting, in trio. And marv’ling.)/: “But Auntee Heeta ! —”;
(she beamd allround the table) : “— a hole canna peatches ? !” :
“Suah; it’s a bankwitt, ain’t it ?” : “And a bottla asBACH brandy ?
— Mygod, AH, isn’t this a bit lavish.” “Fuhstoff, don’t call me
<AH>, you — you Dickens=you. — And then you went’n’ bought
the dog that new chain, too. — Well Heahther ? : Dig in. —”
First came the Maggi=soup; (<piquant; with an egg beat=in»). /
Then the stiff, coffeebrown, masht=beans; almost hidden under
slices of fryd sausage, sturdy white and fleckt darkred — : “Well,
Mr. Snail ?”. (But she just gave a happy shudder of her thin
(amply boned) torso) : “It’s nice’n’ warm in here !” —
: “Don’t gettup : [know where y’ keep the spoons . . .”; and she
was gone. AH at once : “Well ? D’she say ’nything ?”. Nothin’;
not=1=thing : “She continues to b’lieve it chaste & seem=ly
not to relish the lovliest moments of a woman’ s=life. —: Y’ got
"ny carraway in the house ?”. — : “Sints when d’you like
cahrryway ? |” : “Halfa pounda carraway, auntee : pulverized.
Brewd with 2 quartsa white wine. Take | half in the ev’nin’,
th’ other the next morning : s’posed to cause trooly diaballicull
randiness . . .” (But now Hertha reappeard, left=spoonded. AH
392 M ARNO SCHMIDT

was just able to hiss my=way : “Y’ old goat ! : Ahn’t you
cocky ‘nuff as ’tis ?” Then she had to return to small=talk &
smiles : — . —)
And lean=back. And breathe : filld to the brim. (Hertha had
shoved half of hers my way as well — couldn’t manage another
bite.) / And then a <toppah=offah> besides ! (And AH’s glants
grew ever more sym=pathetick) : “Tsk=tsk=m’boy : you ahr
stahved.” (Hertha wanted to make herself scarce; but, impla-
cable, was made to stay=on : Watching=me; and Communing
with Her=self. And then, out of pure malice, and to spite her, I
askt for) : “A slice a bread ?”; (in whimp’ring beggar’ s=voice.
And AH ran off; and cut 1 with her very=own hands; (meaning
that it ended up so big only my constrichter’s constitution saved
me, as if by a miracull.)
(While they redded up, another quick beard=trim) : “Rite,
Auntee ?” (cause she was watching me again with such curi-
osity) : “Ev’ry stroka the apparatus uncovers a new sintillat-
ing facial=feature : the small, sharp mouth : the hi brow . . .?”;
(and by waya ill=lustrayshun passt the humming gadget over
that, too : !). “You’ah a real buffoon, Kahl.” she said affeck-
shunately. But a thin (amply boned ?) voice beside=her added
glumly : “Noo. In my ’pinion .. . : | dunno; when somebody
pokes suchfun at himself... ?”./ And AH furro’d her brow.
(At the <profownd insite» ?). And took 1 of Us under each
arm. —
: “Now you=2 set youahselves down.”’. She; delib’ rately; prop-
ping her monnumental elbows. Considering, wunts again tuck-
ing her tung in her left cheek=poutch. : “Hmmyess. —”. (And
gave a mitey lick to her lips : given that equipment, the kisses
She must’ve doled out, in her day ! — I auto=matickly lickt my
own.)
: “Hmyes now heah’s the sitchy=ashun. : I’m really all alone. In
this greatbig house=heah.” (And hesitating again. She grabbd
onto her large lo’ er=lip with what appeard to be her still totally=
intact uppers. (And my brow furrow’d auto=matickly. Suspi-
cious, too. —).).
(Casually) : “The mayuh’s been tryin’ evah so long a’coahse t’
make me take in roomahs heah with me. — But he dassn’t try it :
I know a thing oah 2 bout him; from Hitluh=days.” / (And now
gave an ironick nod my way : did she guess that I guesst ? —). /
And ruthlessly made <her pro=pose=all :
 B OONDOCKS M 393

HER PROPOSAL ! : “You=2 move in=heah. / We’ll tuhn the pahluh

into youah bed=room. Y’ don’t even need t’ buy a bed; y’can
have ouahs : it'll holdup unduh you=2 lite=weights. / — : This
room heah . . .”; (pressing the door open with her index finger) :
“...127L be youah /ivin’=room : I'll have mine in what’s now
my bedroom; I'll do my sleepin’ in the walk=in ’jacent. : Now
just keep youah trap shut, m’boy.”
: “The land : we sell ! — ’t least 20 acres : hold onto the 2
pastchuhs at most.” (Yielding, even given the disgracefully=lo
price for lowcull land, a good 50 thousand.) / (But now I jumpt
up) : “Auntee ! — : The meados ’long the brook=yonder ? But
listen here, girl : those are house lots !”. (She tolerated, with a
smile, my calling her <girl> in the heat of the moment — after all,
at 60 that must sound pretty funny, teenage=maidenheaded -—) :
“Beg pardon Auntee —”. : “Don’t fret none about that, m’ pet.”
(<Pet> ? Very good ! : make a note of it.)
“No : house=lots, Auntee ! — 3 acres you say ? — : But you’d
get — this close t’ Hannover ! — at least 30 pfennigs a square
foot ! : 3 times 5000 times point 3 ? : That’d come to 50 thou-
sand rite there !”. She ponderd this. And nodded. Not at all
un=convinst. And grinnd, gray & malice=reckoning : “’t’s not
a dumb idea, Kahl. — : ’magine how that'll put the town’s nose
outa joint !”
(And, all female O. Ken Trunnion) : “Theah’s still folx in town :
that call me — even=now, aftah bettuh’n a scoh’n’haff yeahs ! —
a fuhnnah !”. (And, while I translated that for Hertha; and gave
her uncomprehending cheek a kiss) : “Which you=2 ’d be too,
by the by. Foah as long as y’ live : as y’ prob’ly well know,
m’boy.” (And I simply lifted, artill’wristickly, my free=rite :
<Target in sites>, Auntee.)
“We’ll need 300 a month —”. And I «reported in> by way of some
precaution : “’Il soon be 400, auntee.” : “Fine : foah=hunnuht. — :
Reckon it up.” (400 times 12 equals 48, make it 5) : “10 to
twenty years, auntee.” (And she, leaning=back prowdly — the
broadest-hippt optimissy I’ve ever seen, ’zounds Tita Ruffo &
Feruccio Busoni ! —) : “Let’s say : fifteen.”
: “Without evah havin’ t’ lift a finguh ! !” —
(And ratattattat) : “Do ouah own butch’rin’. / : “Come ev’nin’
y’ can read to us.” (“You may —” Hertha interjeckted at this
point, morer less outa habit — superfluous to say, she hadn’t
caught on at all; x=pressions like <scoh’n’haff> and <fuhnnuh>
3904 M ARNO SCHMIDT

had robbd her of all social graces. / AH was about to slam

the bax of both hands onto the table, a la «Well is that an offah
oah not ? !>. I made a jest=ture, furtively, half under the table;
the way Lo’er Saxons communicate : Give her a little time,
Auntee Heeta. (She understood at once. Whereupon I applyd
verbal subtilty and commenst translating into comprehensible=
Silesian: Uh=hmmm..... )
: “So then. — : If I’ve understood you correctly, dearest Auntee —”
(intenshunally treackly=sweet) — “you wish to secure for your-
self
aa) 1 feemale apprentiss, shy & clever, whom you would
train in Witchery Broomriding & the Vecksing of
men. —”
(here pointing a hand at my perplext neighboress, Hertha was
her name.) : “And
bee) at the same time, 1 house=buffoon for the 2 of you. For
evenings=when, honestly wearied by nettle=weaving —
and/or its opposite — you seek rest at your table. — : For
which task you have fixt your large eye upon me ?.”
(The robust country wife, the hardworking sage, both rising at
4:30 A.M. : was that an accurate self=evaluashun ?)
: “Have I entered into your thot processes ? — Auntee Heeta ?”;
me, the perfait gentle melancholick. The old barbarian just
grinnd. / And silunts. / (And my wicked <brain>, or whatever
that lump=up=top is really calld, was lustily playing trix on me
again : OBCONOMUS PRUDENS ET LEGALIS plus COLUMELLA; that in
p tickular; nawt but <Georgica> and <de arboribus») —
- “Hertha — d’you know I] <LUCIUS JUNIUS MODERATUS from
CADIZ>, alias COLUMELLA ?”. And, (it was starting to int’rest me),
to the other : “Auntee — : What d’y’s’pose a local granger °d
remark should I recite COLUMELLA for him ?” : “Tetcht, ’s what
he’d say.” : “And wHom would he mean by that ?” : “You,
m’boy.” (Aha.) / And another pause. — Hertha’s eyes were
wand’ring about the room as if this had nothin’ to do with her.
(<Non concupisces domum proximi tui : maybe I mite suckseed
in transplanting my <prime=all=flower>. That’s all, I s’pose.
AH now laid | large qualifying fist on the table) :
“But I feah, deed=I=do — : it ll be me that ’comp’nys you 2
spid’ry=spindled crittahs t’ the semmit’ry.” : “So that then
you'll be able t’ say : «My neffew Karl — who beyond a dowt
is now with his LOrd>. Rite ?” (And she, broad & sociable —
 3 OONDOCKS mM 395

seeing as we were dealin’ with such searyous matters as

<HELL> !) : “That’s if you don’t end up sittin’ in OLNIX TAVUHN :
youah chances ahr suht’nly as good as youah Uncle Lood-
wick’s.”
(And now came back ruthlessly=closer to the crux) : “Have
you=2 saved ’nything ?”. — “Adelaide has a type=writer.” My
attempted smokescreen for my own failure in=the=matter.
(Only the fact that Hertha at wunts & obediently named her
little sumlet spared me sev’rall grim broadside glantses — once,
in Oslo Fjord, I had swum in the shado of a German battle=
ship : made me thinka that now. Thanggod the index finger of
fate was alreddy pointed at Hertha) : “We’ll put in a bath and
toilet with that money, m’deah. — We’ll just have t’ boah the
well deepah; with a sludge=scoopah . . .” (And turning
indignunt now : she had in fact long sints thot it all thru, in
detail ) : “Why in the scull’ry, m’deah. Wheah else ?”. (And,
full=savage, to me) : “What’ah you wrinklin’ youah dainty nose
at ?” : “Well first off, you’re gonna have to take a look at the
hole groundwater flo Auntee : The <cess=pool has to be —
regulashuns say — at least 15 yards from the drinking=water
well.” (She immediately recognized that, for lce, this was a
genuine objection to be taken=seriously; and took on some,
temporary, folds in the upper=leather. / (And inasmuch as I
riskt, at this clearly impportant momeant, 1=wee=paltry glass of
ASBACH, my redhead immediately felt herself obliged to mutter :
“Drunk ev’ry day, that’s livin’ an orderly life, too.” : “Pooh t’
you, too ! You may kiss my doorbell before you make bold so
much as to set a finger to it : you should start warblin’ for joy
that I deign to cast you a glants : ME, outa pure goddliness . . .”;
and an excited fidget of my hand bade her be silent : “Was it
not Auntee Heeta herself who first used x=pression’s like «My
GOdboy> ? —: proor !”. (She, Alalie, and me, Halaloo! — But
swallo’d her speechlessness now. And strove openly with her
out=rage : “<Mygod=pause; boy.» ’s what she said : leggo my
hand. Cut the lollygaggin’, sparky !”; and, accusatorily, to her
oppositter, (who, as an attendant to this love=spat, smirkt
smuggly) : “Is he ever a swell=head, Auntee ! This neffew
o’yours.” (With those last coupla words, however, she lost all
sup=port from that quarter : serves y’ rite !)
+ “You’d have t’ lend a hand, o’coahse, on occasion, my deah. —:
And you, too, grin=snout !”. (Ah : here comes our first look at
396 BM ARNO SCHMIDT

nature’s nite=side !). / : “Nope, no sheep, Heahther : you'd

be ’mazed at the wuhk they bring : we don’t want the buhden
a that. — But we’d keep bout 2, 3 cows. ’n fatten up a hog
now’n’then.” (Boox in pigskin : 1 cow with such fine leather
that the Cow=diyyo could wear boots made of it —) : “She was
just thinkin’, Auntee : how while she swims I could p’r’aps pass
my time tendin’ lambs; whittles his pipe outev calf=horn : does
Pastor Corydon.” Auntee had only understood <pipe>; and
remarkt curtly : “You’ah a pig. Just like a man.”
(Cue <MAN>) : “You’d moh’n’likely have t’ get mahrryd 0°
coahse. —”; (and gave Hertha an un=utterably sly look. Who
automatickly mutterd her favorite <Pas si béte>. At which AH,
suspicious, to me : “Wha’d She say ?” : “She’s speakin’ Frentch
again —”; (me, moodily. — Not ’cause a the topick; but my head
was swinging back & forth again like in my days as an inter=
pretter; of English) : “A well=bred German lass would’
ve said :
<’m not that stupid !>.” / But AH quickly recoverd : “Pshaw !”
she said scornfully : “was jist a re=flecks reaction, rite. — ’nd
not such a dumb | at that —” (then; buttering her up, from across
the table) : “Heahther=m’child : He’s gonna up’n’die inside
five yeahs; oah so he’s alliz claimin’. — And theah She goes
agrabbin’ Him by the sleeve : you’ahr even weakah than I
TOL:
: “But theah’s I thing, folx ! : No=children ! — I foahbid it : Pll
dis=inhehrrit y’ on=the=spot !. (And, full pittyless, to me) :
“Kahl ? : That’s primahr’ly youah job. I don’t cahr how y’ go
bout it; f'rall I cahr y’ can tie it up ’n wring it off; with a <tao=
wel> — : How’s that ?” — (because Hertha had huskt an elegant
<Epatant> : now why was She so out=landish at the mo=meant ? :
As the doughty versaillian=bulwark against the trollish cir-
cumjostlings of Platt=deutsch ? Quite pro=Babel.) / : “And ’n
case it evah should happen=Heahter : we'll get it ab=ohtted
rite=now ! I know a reas’nubble doctah : but I mentiond that.”
(And shook her head resolewtly : “Now why haven’t gov’ ments
leeg’ lized that long ago — ?” —: “It’s alreddy the <law> in Inndia,
Auntee : Nehru’s a reas’nubble man.” (She loved bits of info
like that; and made intressted eyes, a la <Whaddya know; those
Innjinns>. — : “The heinies.” she finally remarkt then; (but hard
t’ believe she meant the people beyond the Gan=jees.).)
And calld <the question» : “Ahg’on, <Fine pros=peckt> ! : You
can set up yoah study looking t’ the nohth=nohth=nohth ! —
 3 OONDOCKS @ 397

F’rall we cahr, y’ can move up into the attick, rite Heahther ?” /

More enerjettickly : “Kahl — : Now pull youahself t’ gether ! —
Have y’ had time t’ give it some thot ? So that you’ ah cappabull
of givin’ a ree=znubble antsuh ?”. Even I could manage little
more than a weak motion of the head. — : “’Zounds colostrum
& merverum : Me a glebae adscriptus ? !” —/ (She first gave a
listen. And was about to blow up : she was always so tempestu-
ous ! — But managed to contain herself; and just remarkt point-
edly) : “Well y’ can call that a <cleah responts> if y’ like. — :
D’ you unnuhstann him, my child ?”. But she just head=shook,
too, as if she’d long sints given=up trying. “Hope=less.” Brief
pause.
: “But he means summat by it ! —”; (AH, misstrustfull. / And made
another attempt; kindly, the way y’ talk to very=small kids :
“What was it y’ wuh tryin’ to say, m’boy ?” : “Oh merely a
dillytory formulla, Auntee. — : Y’see; you’ve presented us here
with a brand=spankin’ <De=cision for Life> : we simply can’t
re=spond in a matter of seckunts. — Just for x=ample — we'd
have to give up our jobs. And «for ever» moren likely.”
: “So whatt ? !”. (AH cold, un=comprehending, matter=of=
fact) : “What’s so great about them <jobbs> 0’ youahs ? All y’ do
is cuss ’em ?”. And gave an indignant shake. / But — (tho cooler,
substantially so ! : cave !) — “Well fine. Think it ovah. But not
foah too long : I have t’ get all this settled !”
(And, menassing — <Years of Love have been forgot in the
hatred of a minute» ! —) : “If you’ah absolootly noteva mind — :
I'll ask youah cousin Jahtch. We'll hold onto the ache=ridge
then : shoudda set about ohd’rin’ wintah supplies long befoah
now.” / (And a pause sive threat.) : “He’// do it in an instunt. —
He jist wrote me bout it again t’day.” / (Better a hand to my
heart; and rub a bit : it was upsetting, too. — Tho totally un-
believable, natturally (<Natty>), : I had morer=less the same

tling foe=wards, 1945, in trux, (ev'ry man with a grenade for

a pillo) : me in charge of calculating ranges for a battery of 4
different guns — including 1 6=inch long=barrel !; admittedly
makes ranging more int’resting, but no easier; I’d work it out, at
nite : most=others asleep.) / And so ’pon my back, above the
ACHMER air=port : lotsa bomb=craters; | sircle of breast=work
for anti=aircraft (<La Motte» comes to mind). / And then that 12
398 M ARNO SCHMIDT

foot=hi wall made of T=girders. Cammo=flazh nets cross

the top; into which mindless=busy hands have woven fir
brantches. : Under it the store of am=u=nishun : we’re off to the
<BATTLE=OF=TEUTOBURG=FOREST> : in which, <as per army=pass>»
I took part. (Cf. MoMMSEN : The location of Varus’s battle, oh
screw !)). —
: “Dearest Auntee ! —”; (and now best a little somethin’ like <a
shot across the bow» !) : “What ought I reply in p’tickular to
your mention of said <couzzin Jorj>; what d’y’ think ? — Shall I
lodge a polite complaint : “You rend our hearts, Jadwiga !> ? Or
be honest and cry : <Black=male !» ? —’. / (She merely gave an
impennytent grin. Reacht across lestrigonickly; and did some
furvent carressing of my hand=tummy. (<Incest=nono> : but
’cause we speak of the <back of the hand>.) She was very fond of
such word=plays; it ran in=the=fam’ ly. (And she obviously had
wunts known how to <caress> — I was close to purring. (Just like
<Sir Stumper>; whose up=pendage had likewise been sackry-
ficed in her sirvice.).) —
—: “<’shamed> ? !—: What’s that got t’ do with it !—: M’boy,
I,” (and the left index finger to her stern=numb in a manner
that woulda con=vinst any man present : her hand disappear-
ing almost to the wrist in=between !) : “J thinka <shame> as
conduct ’propriate t’ when you’ah dealin’ with stranguhs. :
It’s summpin’ refined. When y’ can’t act <hoity=toity> enuff. —:
But when you’ah dealin’ with your own husbind ? : Why that’s
nothin’ but foolishness and puttin’ on aihs. B’ sides which, it can
— p’ticku’ly at cuhtain moments ! — ruin ev’ry bitta pleasuh.”
(And waxt full=savage) : “Tellme=guhl : Don’t y’ take no
pleasuh in it whatevah ? !” / (And yet another shy=Silesian
game of mummbles :.. . ?)
: “No my=child : I don’t like ’em !”. (Hertha had tried dragging
in die=verse <poets> as charackter witnesses on behalf of
verginall prood’ry; your <Storm & Stifter», and similar firms.) :
“They’ah mutch too hi’falootin’ & puah=o’=haht : that’s not
how things look heah on uhth !— When the moon rises yonduh
in the Oak=Bosket — ? : it’s rite puhtty, ain’t it ? I sometimes
give it a look m’self. — But then it’s puhfeckly possible I'll have
to pump out the cess rite aftuh. Or help a cow calvin’ —”.
Weightilly : “Theah’s both sides, m’ guhl. And Whoevuh tries
t’ shut his eyes t’ the fact, I call a heinie : We didn’t invent
this wuhld y’know ! — Put it in propuh wuhds, Kahl.” And,
 #, OONDOCKS Mm 399

inasmuch as I flincht slitely (tho things were well under control) :

“Lad, wheah ahr youah thots ? !” : “Subtegminefagi, Auntee :
meaning more than <payin’tension> ! — J take it by <heinie> you
mean a mind lacking both response=ability & substants, rite ? A
blarneybuss & humbugger; who, fully inhibited himself, goes
peddlin & pand’rin with a vocabulary as paltry as it is <noble>.
Enfin : a coward & liar ?”. (She hadn’t stoppt nodding) : “Pre=
cisely, m’ boy. — <Humbugger is vehrry good, bytheby; hmm, y’
pro’lly know the type well.”
: “So from heah on out, try bein’ a tad less ’nhibited, m’deah.
And don’t make life un=nessysehly difficullt foah Kahl=heah :
he is — ’spite it all — a nice lad. —’. (And sat up strait — : had we
heard rite ? Had Hertha, stubburn & sassy, mutterd : “Shoulda
taken him y’self then.” ? —/ And pause. / We all had trouble
controlling ourselves. (That was most decidedly not neces-
sary.) —
: “M’deah child. —” ;(AH; majestick; & icy : <awe=gust>) : “If I
was 40 again — oah even in my late 40s — I woulda stolen him
from you longago : y’ can bet !”. (And arm x=tended, ending in
a point, «Range of the Javelin») : “That was not a nice remahk,
m’guhl !”. / (And let that <soak im for 10, 20 seckunts. — After
which Hertha was visibly groggy with remorse; her slack mouth
had simply run away with her. (Plus a soupcon of jellassy ?
<Straw shows wind blows» — meaning I mite almost be... : I felt
all cheerd consould flatturd !).
(’Twas wunts again a well=behaved maiden=mouth at work
there in her face; and properly down=cast, too) : “Isn’t it a mite
close to the GDR ?” : “That just means all the more chantsa
bein’ included in some <de=miller=t’ rized zone>,” I consoled; :
“’nd besides, the cuntryside’s as good as <tank=proof> : the
large moors.” And Auntee Heeta seconded this, (still very=very
reserved, to be sure) : “Cow went rite unduh recently. One a
Woltuh’s.”
(Increasingly apol=ogetick; very softly now) : “Wonder if — :
y’ can ski here in winter ?”. : “Not that I evuh heahd.”; (hard,
dismissive; then, tho somewhat milder, all the more ironick) :
“When the back=pond freezes ovuh — : the youngin’s do go
ice=skatin’ tho.” / And got up; still quite unappeasd. We hung
all heads abasht; (Hertha at lce sidled toward the door, glad
to escape). — But nunna that : Wait ! / : “So think it ovuh, you=
2. —’. (And, with irony so cutting it was almost hi=German :
400 @ ARNO SCHMIDT

was she ever giving it to Us !) : “And let me know what you

think of <the mattuh>. —”. (Hertha made an immediate x=it,
shriveling up the stairs; while I stayd behind.)
(And quick, 1 stroke cross that broad back : MOLLY=FICK=
ASHUN. —/ : “That was jist a bit uncalld foah, Kahl.” Cheeky, I
grant. — “But flat=out get <marr=ied>, Auntee ?: Iam 15 years
older afterall.” : “Aeh; that don’t mattuh.” : “Suresure; ’cording
t’ your damn theary : that way she’ll have all the more <free
time> ahead of her, rite ?”. (A grin skimmd past again.)
“Yes ’nd another thing, Auntee, needs to be set=rite : that carra-
way=brew I menshund — : that wasn’t meant for me. For Hertha !
Y’ can find it in your own <Farmurrs’ All=man=ack>. Under
<impaird copulatory=instinckt>.” — “Oh thataway —” she said,
amazed. / And, more enlitend : “Well haven’t y’ nevuh tried that
on huh ?: Gettin’ huh nice’n’skunkt. ’nd then.. .”.—I lo’erd my
head : sure had; twice. : “Annnd ?”. — “Hmyes, well the Ist time
I wasn’t payin’ attenshun; and it was more me that got crockt.
And couldn’t. —”. (“Pffffff’; and I mean thru the nose.) —: “The
2nd time, to be on the safe=side I just drank water — and first=
off she started in sobbing : how she couldn’t help thinkin’ of her
<hard child=hood>. And then she lackt the <feelin’> all=together.
— Not that she has that mutch anyway.”
“Yes, but m’ boy : you’ahr not gonna get any 2 quahtsa white=
wine into that child ! — Oah ahr y’ sayin’ the cahrryway mite
have some ’ffeckt ?” And puzzled=shared silents. — “Maybe — :
if you’d hold her down Auntee; *nd I pourd it in her ?” :
“Juggins” she said automatickly. — : “And ’n case it does work,
Auntee : you’re gonna have t’ drink her under the table usin’ the
same juice. —I’1l keep m’self, stante pene, in reserve.” And we
went on nonplussing each other a bit.
“Like hell I will.” she summarizd at last, embareasst. Hmyess;
y’ could put it that way. / “Whitcha you=2 is moah ’fraid 0’
t’othuh’s shaddo ? !”, she wanted to know. (Once again, I could
only shrug, and glumly at that. “Ask me an easier question” was
the standurd=happy turna phrase I came up with.) —
“Yes; y’ can take along that NAvy thing. — But be suah t’ bring it
back.” Pause. Slo’ly : “That is t’ say : Mail It Back.” (Yet again
all I could do was press my left to my heart; and stroke the
gen’rall area, shaking my head) : “You’re so plain=spoken,
Jadwiga !”. —
But the ol’ barbareian, (head & belly=point tinted with frost),
 3BOONDOCKS @ 401

made her mouth into nawt but a red funnel with sharp ivory=
rim : She liked the name ! (<Car tel est notre plaisir !>). : “That’s
Polish foah Hedwig, rite ? Re=cite it.” (And I, obedient to my
Piast lady) : “<Eye has never known such sudden rage with
which the waves came rending, never known such battle rai-
ment, as the host they see descending. : It is Crisstoff Gonn=
see=ev=sky from Smolensk, the Vo=ee=voodan; horsemen
on the wind like Odin.»” (And she nodded eagerly) : “A body
oughta know the hole=thing.”. —
/ “Soo. —: Go lay down foah a bit —”; (and mocking pause; She
took a long look at me : was I really a RICHTER=TRUE&BOLD ? !) :
“— Beside=huh. Vl wake y’=both in an houah.” (And, cryp-
tickly) : “Foah you it’s all a mattah of wuhds : of ’magi=
nation.” / And simply left me standing there.....

* *

SHE had been raking Her head with Her fingers. And was sitting
on the edja the bed. And pokin’ lo’er down. (Then 1 storey belo,
*mong Her toes.) And gazed at me, uptop, with dull eyes. Let
out a tore=mented cry : “Damn ! — Where’s the knife !” : “But
sweet=sweeet Her=tha !...” : “Oh I don’t mean for me : I mean
for my shoe=laces !”. (Oh I see. — But She, in total out=rage) :
“°nd you wouldn’t even ’ve rencht it outa my hand ? !” —: “Yes
but you didn’t have 1 in your hand !”. (But She was alreddy
at <Oh, these men !>; and «that’s=what they call love !>. — And
finally got it untied. And crept about; on pale=gray feet, tassle=
tippt : a Woman. / In pant=ees & brass=iere; with glo’ing scalp.
(<Head & belly=point tinted with fire» ? — The <two=trackt
nature of the no=shun botherd me somehow : We, Hertha &
1, had alreddy walkt across too much grass together. (Across
even more artyfishall=pavement. Unavoidubble in the 20th
Conturys=a

there She stood, the queen was=She.......

(But She just went on yammerin’) : “Quit goin’ on bout that for
wunts. : There’s other matters on the ’genda now. .. .”. (As you
like, gladly : If you mean some prae=ludiation ? A certain
emm=peericul tatonnement is just up my alley. / But She just
gave my chin a, hasty, lick. : “Not now, Karl : Washin’ up’s so
402 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

much of a bother here. : This ev’nin’, in Nordhorn, then okay

for all Icare, —I’m still close t’ festrin’ from yest’ day.” —
(She took some more bites at Her claws. And Her face ravvled
up in distrackshun.) / I made another grab, testing, for the fore-
arm=bone left to my care; and pumpt it lever=wise : hype=o=
mochlyon ? — (She just watcht, pre=occupied.) (At one point,
She hookt Her face above mine; star=sized. The frozen ponds
of Her eyes. (With monster=me slowly stirring at the bot-
toms.).) —
But pulld away from me. / And ran about. And dis=cursst. / :
“Okay, ’zounds me somethin’.” — : “’Zounds sappristi &
carrammba ! — That’s why Auntee Heeta came for a short visit
last Sepp=tembur.” (And rain nettled wild & brief at the windo.
She blancht & lankt along the wall.) —
Dis=tresst : “Are you fully awarra <The Con=Sequences>,
Hertha ?” : “That’s what I’d like t’ ask you.” (She scratcht her
<pecker>.) Yesyes : <To New Shorz>. : “Hertha — : it’s in our
hands now.” (And I gatherd up, un=obtroosive, a few items
in my own; there was a time, a while=back, when it took Her
a good 10 seckunts to realize — while I repeeted, steddy &
dreemy=sugjestive, <The Fooll Moon» — that I had Her rite
breast <in my pow’r. This=time She re=acted faster. And ran
back along the wall : !). —
- “Wellyes, Sweet=Tummytumm — : tote=ally self=less Her
offer isn’t. You don’t know cuzzin JAHTCH . . .” — (“How should
I ? !”; loutish; instedda thanking me for my praise of Her
ab=domaine !) — : “He worx hard as an ox, I grant; ’nd is just
as crood & stoopid too. : With him around, she'll soon find
herself, insideva year, holding the so ritely termd <short=endda
the sticks!”
- “Wheras She can metrily rool the roost with Us; while
a=musing herself like the Jabberwocky=in=person.” —
—: “Ohno ! : Tyrranization, no ! — She wouldn’t do that;
She’s funda=mentally good=hearted. — Like All=RICHTERS=
TRUE&BOLD. — : And that really was very fresh of you jussnow,
Sweethertha.” (She swallo’d it. Was obviously trying to think of
a re=ply. And accused) : “When she’s tryin’ t’ play the pander
for me. — ?”. (I pulld myself up to full hite) : “Hertha : <Pan=
durr> ? ! — “Tis J who would give you — purr=haps ! — my hand :
1 would, outa pure goddliness .. . ?”; (and She lafft at least;
paind, but all the same.)
 ZOOoNDOCKS Ml 403

: “Hertha —” (me; sweetly=admonishing) : “She’s pracktickly

offerd us a care=free, hellthy life; 1 that represents the yurrn-
ings of hundredsa thousands ...:?...: Noo, Hertha. That was
very unkind of you.” / (She squatted down beside the furthest
wooden=wall. And sat, atop Her bow=of=legs. (In the negg=
lizhay that made Her look her heavyest.) — I paged again (to
give Her & Me time) in May’s confessions . . . : <I never want
to see the swine again !> his <beast> shouted after 20 years of
marriage : <He sickens me; get Him out !>. — And lookt over,
checking : ? You’re still trim, skinny=even; and red=haird. : But
invZ0 yeaTsareenen.)
“Maybe We're just dreamin’ all this, too —”; (more to <arrive> at
some sorta concluesion; I couldn’t sort it out m’self *nymore :
the «Gordian Knot» may’ve been a fine thing in its way; but
compaird to this pro=posal here . . .). / She arose, too,
sommnambullent. Placed herself infronta me; (so that I had 1
hip in each hand. Ampull.) : “What am I really ?” Answer : “A
maid who can brake into tears at the site of a bitta pros=static
flewwid.” (She had a retort acoarse “You lunkhead.”; but other-
wise did not refute my deafynition. — : Maybe we really were
dreeming ?).
—: “G’on back down again; ask questions.” — : “Noo=Hertha :
not=me ! — I dunno — —: I think I’m scared.” (And more plead-
ing kisses; in the <free zone» between elasstick & baggie. She
held onto my <seated> shoalder, as if Iwere railing. Also stuck
Her left indecks finger in Her mouth; and nawed the tip. (And
with me at work in the <free zone». — She blew=spat the chippa
skin on passt my head.)
: “Then I’m goin’ ...”; (and, before I could stop Her, threw on
Her — black ! — cape —) : “Black on pink=Hertha : you'll drive
me crazzee !”. (And She, at the door, in shoalderbladed try=
wmmt)< shine bynes
Bang : alone !/ And, m’ckanickly, paging. (Mean=time, think as
little as possuble. — : <As long as my «beast» is alive, she won't
leave me in piece.» : Y’ gotta pickture it : Like my tellin Docktor
<Vee> I’m quittin ! Fine=ally ! : The things I was gonna tell that
ass=hole ! (The lillyliverd cock=roach; who fancied himself as
forever playing the role of the Bull of Uri ! I was, acoarse, not so
prim=ative as to wish death upon my foes : more like <eturnall
lifer | But that old boy=scout & veggyt=aryan deservd his just
deserts : the wretch was so obtoose that he forced whomever he
404 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

wanted to belittle to stand there rite in frontev him ! : <In his

free=time> he <cree=ated in clay> : refined & stoopid !)
Concluesion : «Takes a sufficent lacka brains to be a di=rectal
of men !> —
(And I huncht down even lo’ er : on the | hand, you'd be an idiot
if you didn’t . . . : No more boss; no facktry=stench : no
*Merrycan=nuke=guns . .)
“No more cow=towin’. No telly=fone. No jellous co=workers.”
She supple=meanted, still in the doorway. And crumpulld up a
coupla, uprooted, fingers. / : “Did y’ask if it still goes ?”; me;
anxshus. And She, cross, (cause she’d <’pologized> as well) :
“Yesyes. She’s all fine again now.” And, sassy all over : “She
calld you a <cowwuhd>. — ’nd a <buffoon> again, too.” : “’nd y’
haven’t brot me Her tweakt=off nose ? !” (She let me dangle for
1 while. Then; earnest) : “I told her : that’s not the hole story.
That y’ got heart=trubble too. And that it was morelike gallo’ s=
humor. — Altho natcherlly like all men y’ got a strong bent for
both.”
(So sit there on the edja the bed. And fret amazement. / She
swung Her (passably=long) legs. Staring in diss=gust at a
pubic=hair peekin’ pertly outev Her marvlussly=scant panties :
at the gruesome fackt of Her own (de=vellupment>) : “Wouldya
please thinka something else ! — Think /’m not fed up ? !”. (With
Her employee=status, she meant. — | phraze was int’resting :
<kricket ol’biddy>. : ? : Being tran=slated, sort of : <The
hunchbackt, insufferable woman who’s my boss». (Miss
Miinchhoff, then; aha.) : “/’m not gonna commit murder for my
boss either, Hertha — like O. Ken Trunnion.” She just nodded :
“The ol’skeezix.” she mutterd in agreement; (but that really was
remarkable : maybe from the Etruscan <sealxus> ? — I mean, this
Silesian !
: “OhsweetestHertha : ~Dow=eree> ? ! : What good’s that ? —
You've got that <granta pro=bate> from your pairents, too !”.
(And we both grimmasst bitterly : the way they handle refugees;
<ourr gov’ ments !). —
: “Girl, what’s that your mouth’s ahummblin’ ? !”. — sHE was
ogling, faraway gaze, on past both sides of my brow; bare=
eyed, word=larva creeping by belo’; (y’ had to listen very=
closely. And puzzle the sents together to understand : those
bashfully=crosst legs. The probe=ing mouth. Now she lo’erd it
ponderingly. The cheex blusht shyly. (The fingers reaching
 Boonpocks Ml 405

very slo’ly for the edja the bed.) — 1 foot=tip raised, bywaya
ESPeCKUO Tas.)
((Barely awdible :... “Hang it up for marridge... ?”))). —
(And I nodded worrydly too : ahyes=yes. And tryd to have
thots : cupple our X=istances even closer t’ gether ?. — And She,
in terrifyd mourning) : “See how you’re makin’ sitch a face
alreddy ? — Aeh, there’s no point !”. (But I groand so
awethentickly; and rubbd & hiss=cursed) : “Damn —- : a
charley=horse !”; that she calmd down somewhat again; (I’d
been getting ’em of late ev’ry time I turnd around — y’ just
dwindull away !). / But nodded — me; still vexxt — : “Yesyess. —
<Hertha Richter; née Theunert> : finally make an honest woman
Olyy:
And the adder shot up ! Strait; eyes aflash. With fists that said
you ! ! !>, baring her fang ! ! / (And me — as unrudely as pos-
subble : I’d read far too much about the effex of snake=bites;
and knowlij cripples) : “Well, <THEUNERT> : now where does
Theunert come from ? — : From the Check, ’t’s where; from
<TEYN>, Meaning <rascal=idler=cutpurse>.” (And the poorthing’d
been so impresst in the course of our ackwaitence by my
X=assperating sirplus of the most loonatick=obscure trivia,
that she bought it. — (If only she would’ve learnd the <Great
Law> : that, <to offset it) Iknew zero about truly loocrative mat-
ters !... Ahwell, shell be slammin’ the door on my butt some-
day soon enuff. / At the moment she just angrily lamented) :
“Dammit, you’re lyin’ !” And with a sigh, x=posed more of an
eyetooth. Clawd at my (evolutionairily sparsely=haird) chest;
and cried — this effeckt was o’coarse fully un=convincing ! — :
“T’ll bite you !”. — : “Oh=I’d like that. : Then we’d have to doa
vax=in=ation shot rite off...”
“Oh be reeznubble for Ice, Karlykins ! —’. : “Don’t call me
<Karlykins> ! If anybody’s a <harlekins> it’s you : <This Maiden
went forth to get sweet Setywall, the Honeysuckle, the Harlock:
to deck her summer hall !> — : Well ? !”. : “You’re gettin’
loonier ev’ry day.” : “May I reckomend to you=Hertha, that
you not resort t’ loony ev’rytime you don’t understand some-
thing : We for our=part labor to bind wreathes from choycest
flow’rs 0’ speech . . .” (and dis=miss it; no point. Wait : one
more thing) : “D’you know what <Stephané=plockos> means ?”.
But she, slyly obseekweeous : “So far you’ve only taut me
<Siffillus=tratos> —.” / At which I laid me back down; and turnd
406 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

the hairy backa my head to the harlock for good’n’all.). —

(And stresst=out dozing...... )-
: But rolld back round wunts more : To Her ! (And stare into a
wild=erness : packt in under that red hair, the mulltytood of
thots ! — Indeed 1 must, as a master=mind, be more forgiving. :
forebearants with the weaker vessel) : “Y’ wanna sleep ? — Or,
real short’n’ sweet, hear about the «Russian S’lootion> ! ? — The

ets trooly curyous customs, these streltsy !—/ (We'd come

round to talkin’ about personal, or=better, family=matters —: at
every mention of “my aunt Jadd=Veega” he would tap the
shafts of his boots.....
(2 hands rusht to 2 ears. — 2 (really : very pretty) legs kickt
tantrums; half laffing, half complaining : “Ohnoo, Karly-
kins, no... !” : “That does it : just for callin’ me <Karlykins>

of a relative, to touch some speshul body=part ? — What did he

tap for <wife> I wunder ? I had no suxcess bringing the con-
versashun round to that; would’ve int’ rested me.) (And <Auntee
Jadd=Veega> was dead it seemed ? And he’d been fonda=her ?
Maybe I should try again to hook in GOd='nd=such here ? —) :
“And you don’t give any thot at all t? what mite’ve become of
Her after death ?” And he, amazed : “Oh=budd=avcoarrse. —
Auntee Jadd=Veega ? —: ! !”; (and Ice again that damn boot=
busyness.)
(And sank down on the nearest=goodsize knobba=pummiss :
Or. ?—: Had I got it rite ? !) / Yes; I'd got it rite. — : “Both ? ?”.
And he nodded ennerjetickly : “Both shaffts : yesyes. — : Goodd :
Zofft : Zup=pull.”. — (And I gaped for a long=while at <Auntee
Jadwiga>....
So «Pro patria mori» ? — He confirmd with head & tung. —
: “The old’n’useless, huh ?” —. (And head & tung.) —
“Oh —”; and rockt it with tamerlanian indiffrunts : “arrround
60, 65 : doktorrs de=side.” (At least it wasn’t the politishuns :
they'd let the hole Opposition be processt as aspick.) / And pro-
Cessna ae
: So the doctors determine the <x=act date>; a painless in=
jecktion does away with the party=in=question — so that every-
thing recycl’able remains; (and then had to carve ’em up
acoarse — at the same time learning anna=tommy like crazy :
 3 OONDOCKS m@ 407

medico=butchers.) / : “Yes, and what=all d’ you recycle ?” —

Vell; ev’rythink : “Roasts, hamms, zausage : brrraints.” (Good-
ies in the pooritch=pot; more doobyous items for arctick=
doggs.)
(“<Do our own butch’ring> She said —” remarx, genteel & dis-
contented, at my side. And, more x=cited : “Ou=outch.. . I
wish I didn’t have any : I'll cut ’em off, and give ’em to you. Y’
know, they say : <Roasted female breast tastes like bananas>. —
Will you let=go ? !”; and savagely jabbd away behind her with
elbo=tipps : at me ! : “’Zounds Urim & Thummimm, honey,
you’ll bust=up my glasses !” : “Take ’em off !” / (And, tho
jolted, kept a hold on her x=tremmity, which it appeard would
gladly have gone rite on banging down on me : “Girl, are yOu=
ever thin ! — A 30=year stay in the cuntry wouldn’t do you ’ny
harmeither :).-.
rete Bones & grissle ?—: “Oh: Glue. Buddons bone=meal.”
/ And, ergo, fabrick from the hair, “Just like from the beards,
rite ?”. And he nodded : madtresses and horrse=hair=sox. / :
“In=destines ? : Oh=zausage=sure. Or for stitchink=up voonds :
no more <cat> : <man> ! Is much betterrr.” (Lifted a dancing
lefthand in the air above his left shoalder; the rite strumming
engagingly in tummy=regions.) : “Strrinks; for bala=laikas :
plink=plink.”
The hides tannd — wasn’t hard to figger now — : soles from
coarse peasant=types. Uppers from intellecktuals. Children
yeelded the finest book=bindings. Vir=gins .. .
(“Oh no, Karlykins; please don’t smut it up — it’s alreddy so... :
Tho there mite be somethin’ to it.”; (the last in demi=voyce very
alterd, unvirginall.....
sini The skulls yielded drinking=cups — well=known & =loved
in Germanick=circles, too — for those of contrary ’pinions :
footed & edged in gold, they made vottka=ware very much in
demands 2. .
(: “Rosamunnde> —” came the full=length whisper at my side,
thot=full & well=educated. : “And «Wayland the Smith» had
an x=cellent understanding of their man=ufackture as well,
sweetheart ! Lord Kitchener of Khartoom had the Mahdi’s skull
made into an inkwell. And you can be con=findent : diverse
politishuns in the <Free West» would dearly love to toast each
other from genuwhine <Cruse=choffs> and <Ullbrix> : <Bonn>
and <Neander=Thal> lie damn=close together. ....
4O8 M ARNO SCHMIDT

Rote (and=so They had solvd — hmm, could y’ say «without

constraint» ? — the issue of axel=grease. And of neat’ s=foot. —/
Wonder if I shouldn’t give a report on this «Russian Solution»
sometime in Congress, just tutch on it, quite=unobtroosive=
matterafacktly ? (Afterall, I wasn’t even 46 yet. —. The <Fresh
Liver> would have t’ be left=out natchur’ly. / And it wouldn't
be all that easy, either, to prevent the <«commonfoke>, with all
their prejewdices, from coining terms like <Corpse=cobblers>.
(Maybe y’ could dig up a few passages in the OT; our Rev’rund
Wilkins was a modern sort, open to new ideas — just a coppla
longish=impressive loci palmarii; like <Seckunt Samuel 21
verse 1 to 9> or <Seckond Kings 16 three», sure t’ help things
along immeasurably.)
(’nd just thinka the <sir=plus» soap ! — Sure, you'd have to come
up with an especially clever obfusckation. — <Living Soap»
maybe ? : What=with all the lacy foam ? (Sure ! That'd
triumfuntly conceal its <ori=jinns», *zounds Cherry=d’lux &
Rese=milkiaaser
(“Whatta bastard you are —”; dozifyd admiration. Abstrackted
& long beside me. And I mean that=long, rite off —but at lce she
tosst onto her otherside, balling up in self=defents; leaving me
nawt but the pink rear=facade. : “F’get it !” (But then, somno-
lent=soothing, yet again) : “Not now. ’s’ev’nin’.” (And nappt
off beneath my hands — at least She pretended to... .)
(Settled=settled : that was the word. I didn’t like t’ travel in
any=case. And, on=printsypull, first regarded with re=sirve
people who preferdd lookin’ at cuntrys rather than maps. / But
sirtainly y’ couldn’t starve either, not with all those leftover
<acres>; and plant ’taters & vejtubbles if worse came t’ worse. /
No <planting=trees>, the way re=fined folk like t’ imagine : so
that suddenly they’re towering up over the backa the house, to
terrify y’, rite ? Nosir.)
(Of an evening, demonstration=lecktures on asstronnomy; <For
Ladies» : <Letters to a Prinn=cess> : an orange for a sun; wal-
nutts for planutts; their hazelnutt=moons round ’em. (Or, even
more purrsuasive, little peenutts ? — But AH likes those too
mutch : the two of ’em °d end up devourin’ my whole solar=
sisstum ev’ry nite; and I have to create a new | ev’ry day, huh ?
Nosir.) / (Have the conversation=parlor downstairs paperd
red : that way y’ can always claim your blushing at all the lies
is just <afterglo>. - O=my : thinkev all the houses & offices in
 ZOONDOCKS Ml 409

this world that’d have t’ be panneld & daubd in red !)

(But «get marryd> of all=things, as a pre=condition ? — (Not that
I have a bassick need for haffa=duzzen women at | time : /
know how to keep myself most inhumanly=hon’rubbly busy
with books : one who'd dutyfully accept my ‘tensions ’d
be quite sufficient for me.) / But observing married friends,
I'd alltoo=often seen what <wed=lock> tends to become over
the coarse of 1, 2 deckades — : there was | lying rite beside me,
here on earth ! (Take a chants and open at randumb; not that
anything ...:?:-
<The beast, however, appeard to have slept quite soundly> — :
y’see !). / (And «Kara Ben Halef>, this embodymeant of
Mayesque longings for a son & dissipull — how un=realistick !
Nosir; Auntee Heeta was perfecktly rite about that : no human
being would be born into this German idiot’s=world with my
cunsent !). — ((((Tribes with no head / a warm river (<an Amazon
sat upon the well») / a very large columm / a letter with
poppyseeds enclosed / black stones in the river, that dye
every=thing black / a mountain with golden chains / wildmen
sitting on boalders; they do not budge / a cat with a lemon=slice
in its mouth / wooden parliamentairyans, a leverd rite arm for
<yea> / a satyr who hands over a bowl of Harzer cheese / a stand
of birch, encompasst by reeds / trees that gro until 6 p.M., then
vanish (sponges have wiped them clean of resin; the gatherers
massacred by invisible hands) / a circular meado at the foot of
the mountain, inside it the cave : Schmidt & Schlotter emerge
from dents, gloomy brambles, led by a beggar. Up in the for-
tress, lite can be seen in only 1 windo. The beggar snorts and
creeps about under the bramblebushes. In the south=south=
west, the sky is fiery red. / A land black as pitch. 6=fingerd men
in the nite / man=eating women with deadly=carresses, their
shins coverd with long hair. (Driven off by ants). / A Germania,
all of tin, shield=at=feet, with the usual metal brassiere : a slitt
in her navel, the collection box for money for re=armament.
Then the pause signal is sounded. / A diving=bell, for learning
the war strategies of fish / a man with a prick so long it’s worth
a citadel, who wants to see the interior of the desert, out there
toward Heavenly Mountain (lives ’tis said from rose=hips &
turnips, by the way) / a foggy town where people walk by hang-
ing onto threads : there I decided to do away with all gods,
Muthu Emausai. / As I’d feard, now came the mountain valley,
410 M ARNO SCHMIDT

and our not being able to find the path again by which we had
come. Great dismay in the German army. A she=devil, red=
haird, calls out from under a stone : that No=One will get out of
here unless someone volunteers to remain behind — I cannot
bring myself to do it )))).....:?
be fT aT ET =
: “Hertha=c’mon ! — Rouse yourself. : Or V’ll kiss you awake !”.
(This threat workt at Ice. / And dress quickly. We threw our
clothes around us.) —
: “A «dream», y’ want me to tell you a Dream ? : Girl, I didn’t
shut an eye=lid ! — Butlordifyou in=sist ? - Okay : I dremmt we
lay beside=1=another cuddling. — <Shall I take | finger, or 2 ?>.
Andy6u, pretty=eyes aclose, simply : <2> No sooner=said than
done. ’nd then things got very=very hand=some. — : I never
dream in any other fashion bout you, poopsy.” —
: “Shame=less ? — Why Hertha=dear, no ! AH alreddy ’splaind
that to you. : Now acoarse, if you were to x=press yourself
thusly to some unint’rested third=party . . .” (And Her fist was
jiggling at my nose. But this, too — with the affable=outrage of a
much=desired woman : “You’re incorrigibull.” : “Pll assume
you meant that in a good sents : <Second to None» ?”). —
: “Noo Auntee ! : ’t’s very sweet of you; but there’s no time for
a cuppa=coffee now. — Bear in mind, it’s a 180=mile trip=
home.” She just gave a mattrafack nod; she had x=peckted this.
(Hertha got the <san’itches> stuck mutely into the crook of her
ell=bow.) / (And no kiss on the cheek this time : no bribing each
other at this point ! — But the rain=sirpent leapt from its hole, in
long bounds.)
<Ping=pong or rain on the IsETTA=roof> : my glasses immedi-
ately turnd into prottoplasmick disx. (The house, a hulk of smoke;
the trees, fantoms blurrd=gaunt, many of ’em not even in raggs.)
/ («Noughtnoonenowherene’ er» — hasty=hasty; Hertha turnd the
motor over — <Noughtnoonenowherene’ er» : The ova=ture is weep-
ing; dry=rattle the finale; inbetween, farces & hellish disson-
nunts !). / And away; lo’erd of head; thru the mass of rain. . .
— She gave an impenitrubble nod, AH. Stood broadly in her
(<Our> ?) door; and slo’ly brusht her mitey rite=flank with one
hand. The drops still naggd at our faces. (Then at mine no
more; just at Hers=alone : We were fair game for all the
elementals !). —
 B
yy OONDOCKS @ 411

(And sitting in the bummpitty. / A long time. / The windopanes

rattled at their frames, cursing pedant=patters. — A long time.)
(At 1 point Her fingrs raind nervously beside the steering=
wheel) : “Just assoomin’. — Case we should considder it — :
wouldn’t it be better t’ wait till she’s sold the land ? So that the
money’s really there, too; whadd’ ya think ?” — : “Aeh, poppy-
cock ! The land is there, that much I know. And She’d go thru
with it, too.” (And wait for an opening to pull=out onto fed’ rull
hiway 65. <But=but=but ?> went the dubieties on our sliding=
roof.)
: “D’y’want, bywaya diversion, t’ hear a little more, Hertha ?
sation: Frinstunts, the bickerings of rival math=o’=maticians,
when it came to measuring the borders & coor=dinnuts of MARE
cristuM ? / How they try to prove each other in error : the
<Rusky> acoarse plays his hi=est trump, when the BRUHNS — the
US=American 7=place loggwrithum table from 1945 — gives
the wrong value of 2. 287 5932 for log ctg. 0°18°19” : “Tables
vurth takink seeryously have a 3 ! — Con=spirration of tiny
errorrs.”
And how one ’murricunn tries to parry this; with the follo’ing
profound dis=covery —
(“Pay ’tention now, Hertha; this'll int’rest you —”; (whereas I
knew only too well ’twas the painfull op=posite. Nonetheless, I
lookt, finger=wise, for the page in my foxt booklet . . . gray=
black or green=black <cloud marbleizing> : I love pamfletts like
this one...) : “Here; lookathis.....
iBaa eee Median=value of log sin 11°20°20%, equals 9. 29360
93154. — And now phollos the curious circum=stants : that the
contiguous values of the final=digits, whether moving up or
down, stay pracktickly the same :
Difference :
20108 =-.. 43022 Of 7430222520 30°
2a t=34.92626 0 ... 92626 = 20°40"
19302 =3.41965 1 ..241966'=20°50-
19°40” =... 91040 Ae D104 2 = 2808
(: “— andnsoforth.”; me; fearfull; (Her gaze seemd to assume
increase=ing obdurants — so plow quickly ahead; maybe the
plethora of data will drag Her along ?) : “Similarly «median=
412 M ARNO SCHMIDT

determined» values are — or more precisely : came to lite during

one cursory perusal of the VEGA THESAURUS LOGARITHMORUM —
uhm=log sin 8°20°50%; log sin 8°1° And above all — most re-
markable, because it includes such an especially large inter=
vall ! : log cos 41°9’O%; where the x=act same last 3 digits x=
tend upwards & downwards for 10 — in words : ten ! — contigu-
ous values ! — Knox your sox off, huh?” ; / Hers were anything
but. Mumbled, tho firmly, something about <unremoon=’rative
occupations», that couldn’t keep «<a human=bein’ alive». (Let
alone two, rite ? : *Zounds Nasik & AH Frost : You think I’m
gonna give up my epoch-making studies; and instedd go
out’n’ get m’self a Sare=burrus ?). Sweet=continuings) :
“Dontcha wanna hear, Herthakins, about
Ae the <hail o’ meteors» ? (Where Silberschlogg’s <Hail=
Terminology> ’d be re=refleckted : like a dive=bomb attack !). /
With the result that Charles Hampden gro’s most intro=spektive :
wants to start a new life; nawt but pure morals & veeta=noo=
ovva.
: Nothin’ bout the — oh so carefully plannd ! — <RAPE O’ SABINE
WOMEN> ? (That was cookt=up by his phello=slater Jorj.) : at
the Inter=gnashnull Sport Gala in MARE CRISIUM : <Women’s
100=meeter=dash>; in space=soots. And then how — oh inverted
horror ! — the strapping Russian girls ab=duckted a cupplev
Americans ? —
: Nothin’ bout the «Hampden=Plan> ? : How He proposes they
lump ev’rything in one pot ? / With the result that they <accom-
modate> him by replacing the loudspeaker=system with a
town=cryer & nite=watchman. (Who, of course, prodded by
intreegs of War Seckretary O’ Stritch, turns out t’ be Hampden=
himself. / And then; how during his nightly solo paira=
grinnations, with alloominum=spear & pummiss=horn, he has
ample time to consider the probblumms of <peeple=to=peeple
contackts ? =... ..008
: Nothin’ bout the intro=ducktion of an, annual, «March o’ the
Vet’runns>, with steddy lossa partissipating marchers : those
who had known the Earth : ? <Today the last of our citizens died
who...>?
: “About all of which —”; (and now another calm thrett !) : “TI
do understand you correctly, do=I=not Hertha ? : you wish
t’ hear nothin’=atall ? !”. / Nonetheless, She — from red cowlick
to boney=little toe, all Goddess of Aporia — em=braced me
 BOONDOCKS @ 413

everso deftly again ’pon the ’ccasion of the next applycashun

of brakes ! And beggd distrawt : “Not now Karl : I really can’t
now ! — Maybe=later=on : Now don’t get maaad.” / (And go on
sitting in the rattlement, & wait : drunken winds waltzing away
with themselves ev’ry=where, and whistling the while; must
have good lungs; no azzmas o’ the heart.) / (On th’ other hand,
good thing she doesn’t want to hear anymore. But I kept on
thinkin’ more’n’ more <bout it> . . .)
: “Wow, you gotta see these san’itches, Hertah : are they ever
fantsy !”. |fed Her, her hands (<nimball; without life>) not being
free, with baloney=tidbits. And doilies of ham. And liverwurst=
slices. : “Asspick p’r’aps ?” (And chew; & consider. / Nodding
to our tastegood?=inquiries of 1 another. Long nodds. / (And
shift=stop=bounts=onagain.)
: And suddenly wrencht — rite after BAD NENNDORF it was — the
wheel around : ! (What a shock ! : She turnd up a wretched
sideroad. And whippt round 2 curve=manuevers. And drove
back up to the fed’rull hi=way.)
And came to a stop. Wild. With lips gnawted tite t’ gether. Duckt
Her patrician=head. (Poolafooca=Poolafooca> : got louder up
on the roof now, too !). / And gangsa=green=red alien autos
passing by; the teckno=nawts were underway. / (And the thot of
Her pur=pull lobes ran like an itch thru my loins; and came to a
fine=point.)
: “What y’ thinkin’ about !”; (She; stern). — : “What if I say :
<Green Beans & Mutton> ?”. (So we were both thinking, unre-
mitting, of 1=&=the=same= thing. Yes, and=ritely=so.)
: “You’re gonna have to move in with me rite=off then, acourse.
So we can save a bit. — Publish an engagemeant annountsment
and a notice at the registry=office, and my landlady’s bound to
allow it.” / (Rite; can’t indulge in any further dépenses volup-
tuaires. — And interruption of stern & cautionary drippdropps :
is it worth the move for five years ? (Altho : in Giffendorf that
mite turn into 10; what with Pease Kwiette & Sannitches ? — But
makes no diffrunts anyway : in the end, ev’ry puddle has
animata to offer.) / And the water reckond & bandied into our
thots. : Why were my schoolchums always a head shorter ? :
<Token of In=Security> ?).).
Sints we’re alreddy stoppt : “Hertha — I’m gonna step behind a
bush.” (She too=now. Xept each to his/her own side. Even now.
Funny? Or legit ?). / The fine rain turnd more indignunt. The
414 M@ ArNo SCHMIDT

cold dropps prickled both : prick=tip & fore=arm. (My re=

fleckshun in the flanking=black puddle ? — : I spat at it rite=
now; I’m quick to ficks=that !). / She too — (Both beside=above
the car again now) — gazed at water (cold too ?) creeping down
the backa her hand : From=cloudworx onto=Herthahand into=
earth.) —
: “Shall we turn=around ? |” ———
(And di=wrecktly cross Our path, I tank of <our Fedrill Army.
And another. And 2 more — : “There’s no end to it” (an op=
ponent of <rearmament> can speak this sentents in disgusted=
reproatch; a pro=ponent in joyous=x=itement.) (My ‘pinion
about this <devellupment>, Hertha ? You’re amply informd
bout that. — And <tanx> ’n p’ticukular ? Welll; Pll be most
sircum=spekt. Case some=1’s lissning in on Us again.
“-Tanx>, Hertha ? — hard to pillfer.” / She gave me a glants of
praise. And giggled. (And even more=so when I told Her the —
truly <true> — storia how we’d once had 3 swindlers in <our
batt’ry> who’d sold the horses of our ordnants=team to some
nearby farmers.)
But the clatt’ring shrubb’ry, rite & left, fannd itself with
un=pleasant, drizzly gestures. (And we still couldn’t decide to
<pull=out> : like x=crement, in Slime & Blood, we emerge outa
some gut or other!).
Hertha, shockt !—: “Or <othery ? ?”. — (Fraid=soo, m’dear. My
pairents at least — and I’d guess 90% of our stratumm — only got
married cause <it’d happend>.) —
: “How long’ve we known each=other now —”; (without the in-
tonashun of a question). : “Round 2 years=Hertha. Not=quite.”
(And shruggs). / (Try a joke) : “And y’ still haven’t seen thru me
yet ?”. (Which acoarse was quite uncalld for. And she just
shook her tall=red head above me; serves me right.) —
(But My turn now; ala <Girl with Wheel») : “Nomore oil=heat. :
<Come morning, Hertha builds a fire in 2 stoves.» —”. (She
had a prompt responts) : “Leave that job t'you.” (Ah; : very
int’ resting.)
: “The wash=lines ice=up. — The ashes have to be carted halfa
mile out to the woods.” (But she had a responts for this too; it
ended in <you>.) —
“Aren’t=I=much too old for you, Hertha ! —”’; (me;
aggonizing. I knew only too=well what my capa=billyties once
had been. Compared to now.)
 Foonpocks Mi 415

: “Phool=ish phell=o.” she said fondly. And added, consol-

ing : “My tummy’s still sore; from yestiddy.” (And had the
awedassity to claim) : “F’rall I care, y’ don’t need to be
capabulla muchev anything.” / (Now that was a miss=take, my
child !) : “Under those sircum=stances, just drive on, driver.”, I
retorted grimmly.
(But she still sat there.) /: “Nothing mutch happ’nin’ here on
earth — not when I thinka 45.” She mutterd stoickly. (I decided
I'd better refill Her entrantsing gullet with ball=ony. And Gif-
fendorfian ham. : That needs some long’n’carefull mulling=
over; b’loney like that !). —
(Because She’s so bad at co=op’ratin’ ! / And as it is, ve at
least got my warm luntch at the plant=canteen. Ev’ry day.
(Maybe if I hadn’t found that dockumeant : the 1 the beast wrote
in the lovely munntha May. .. . / (And — diaballicul thot ! — that
<Jahtch> ’d be screwing the gray athlette, without a moment’s
hezzytation ! “Zounds Bath & John & Sludjscooper ! She
wouldn’t whimper even nowadays with <Alas; I cannot bear
you !» — And besides, there’s nothing more in=human than:
this jumblin’ of misgenner=ashuns a la Goethe=Ullreeka,
Fouckay=Allberteena : Nosir !).).
<Veeta=Noo=Ovva !> : Being=happy is a crime; being=
unhappy a disgrace : a strokablue flasht cross the parkt front-
windo=pain. Clear across. — “Go; pullout=Hertha ! — We’re
gonna be late otherwise.” / She did put Her foot down on the
ax=ellerator. / But then, as we started rolling, the tiniest=voice
beside=me —
: “But what if — just=if — we do : quit day after t’morro ? —”
(<Jist what I thawt : even if I awt nawt : but ’magine the very
thawt !> : the Silesian motto for scandalmongrin’. Fishin’ for the
moon in water. / Dreddfull vision : me at my idiotick <tables> !
(She in her pattern=designin’ powderroom.). / And so on : gain
some time; bite my tung; slapp my hand. (Don’t beam such
raydiant eyes at me, you snake. <Beast> : and now Brentano’s
<Fury> came to mind, too. —).
<OSTERCAPPELN> ? —: “We saw action there.”; (me; resignd). —
<IBBENBUREN> ? — : We saw action there. : Resighnd.
<RHEINE> ? — : We saw action there ! / (Her steering. Me <Karl in
His Cell.)
<BENTHEIM> ? ! —. (And I gnasht my teeth, till she took frite : !) :
“That’s where, <Hertha=mine>, I was «taken prizzner> : 2 days
416 M@ ARNO SCHMIDT

& 3 nites.” (Then sent off; via Weeze to Bruss’Is.) —

: “Take a rite here !” /(And rotational steering. And silents.)
Long. / (Past the Jewwish=cemetarry. / Across the Almelo=
Canal : Vechte=Saint Augustine=Vechte.) : “Fin’ly.” (She was
always glad to have the center of Nordhorn behind her; and
arrive at Neuenhauser Strasse.) —
(Armtendrils=armtendrils) : “Y’ comin’ over to my place rite
away ?” — / (Noughtnoonenowherene’er : noughtnooneno-
wherene er). —
: “Littlelater=maybe.” — She loopt an arm round her head, as
if she’d taken a blo ! (When all I’d done was just flick on the
frontdoor lite.)
 A NOTE ON THE TEXTS

The Stony Heart (Das steinerne Herz): written November 1954—April

1955; published: Karlsruhe: Stahlberg, 1956.

Zoondocks (Kaff auch Mare Crisium): written November 1959—February

1960; published: Karlsruhe: Stahlberg, 1960.

The present translations were made from volumes 2 and 3 of the Bargfelder
Ausgabe, Werkgruppe I. Eine Edition der Arno Schmidt Stiftung im
Haffmans Verlag, 1986 and 1987.
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 Arno Schmidt (1914-1979)
published over two dozen books of fiction,
criticism, and translation in his lifetime.
Along with Heinrich Boll and Ginther
Grass, he is considered one of the most
important and influential writers of
postwar Germany.

John E. Woods has won

numerous prizes for his previous translations
of Schmidt, including the PEN West
Literary Award for ‘Translation for Collected
Novellas and the Helen and Kurt Wolff Prize
for Nobodaddy’s Children (both published by
Dalkey Archive). He has also published new
translations of Thomas Mann’s Buddenbrooks
and The Magic Mountain. He lives in San
Diego.
 ISBN: 1-56478-170-4
54995

9 "781564"781703