Untitled Political Play

Characters

Jakub Tomczak Male. Current mayor of Biatłopol.

Aleksandra Kaczmarek Female. Current deputy mayor of Biatłopol.
Mateusz Jankowski Male. Head spin-doctor and campaign
manager for Tomczak.
Janusz Kowalski Male. The attractive young up-and-coming
politician with the large penis.
Grzegorz Male. His deputy mayoral candidate.
Natalia Szczepańska Female. Kowalski’s head secretary and fuck
buddy.
Dr. Joanna Dąbrowska Female. The secretly-lesbian meritocratic
autocrat mayoral candidate.
Marcin Non-binary. They have a fetish to be
whipped.
Katarzyna Dąbrowska Female. Joanna’s lesbian lover (and later
her sister).
Judge Either male or female.

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Scene 1.
[Tomczak’s office.]

TOMCZAK. What the fuck!?

KACZMAREK. Get the gun. [To THE MOTHER:] He’ll be with you shortly.

TOMCZAK. [To Spin-doctors:] Does anyone else remember the explosion? I don’t fucking
remember an explosion.

[The SPIN-DOCTORS agree.]

SPINDOCTOR 1. [Hysterically:] I just misremembered.

[A BUREAUCRAT brings TOMCZAK a large shotgun.]

TOMCZAK. You misremembered? He misremembered, everybody. Well, fuck it. Then all is
forgiven. Everyone, say it with me…

EVERYONE. All is forgiven.

[TOMCZAK shoots SPIN-DOCTOR 1. Blood. He’s got a cavity. SPIN-DOCTOR 1 falls.]

TOMCZAK. I cured his Alzheimer’s. I’m fucking Jesus Christ.

[THE BABY cries.]

TOMCZAK. Can someone shut up the fucking baby.

KACZMAREK. You need to kiss the baby.

TOMCZAK. Jesus Christ. What am I? I fucking octopus? I wish an octopus. I nice fucking piece
of calamari because you all want to fuck with me. Stick me up your cunts so I wiggle around
and make you come. Well, whose going to make me come!? I want to fucking come!

[A BUREAUCRAT brings TOMCZAK a lit cigar. While TOMCZAK speaks, he uses the spin-
doctor’s corpse as an ashtray.]

TOMCZAK. When Jesus Christ rose from the dead, you know what he wanted? He wanted to
fuck Mary and smoke a cigar. But this is the thing, and please, Kaczmarek, correct me if I’m
wrong. We run a good administration.

KACZMAREK. It’s inefficient, but it works.

TOMCZAK. It fucking works, doesn’t it?

KACZMAREK. Vaguely.

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TOMCZAK. You’re a cunt. I can’t decide if I should shoot you or fuck you.

KACZMAREK. The explosion fucked us over.

TOMCZAK. Do you fucking remember the explosion?

JANKOWSKI. I don’t remember anything.

MOTHER. Sorry I’m just…

TOMCZAK. Who the fuck is this?

KACZMAREK. You need to kiss / her baby.

TOMCZAK. I hate fucking babies.

KACZMAREK. You don’t need to fuck it, you need to kiss it.

TOMCZAK. Madam, let me tell you something. Do you think your government works?

MOTHER. …Yes…

TOMCZAK. Not just works, it works for you.

MOTHER. Please, I just want to (leave)…

TOMCZAK. This is what I was trying to say. Jankowski, what was I trying to say?

JANKOWSKI. Everything’s perfect.

TOMCZAK. Everything’s perfect. Biatłopol is the greatest town in the smaller southern-
eastern region / excluding

KACZMAREK. Excluding the east embankment.

TOMCZAK. Are you fucking done?

KACZMAREK. You’re monologuing.

TOMCZAK. I’m the fucking mayor. I’m paid to monologue. Anyway, the best town… excluding
the east embankment, Novograd, Gorskova, Volshkaya, Yurivgrad, Kirovsk, Svetlova,
Dniprova, Gomelovo, Borovsk, Lutskaya, and Krasnogor. Besides those, we are the best.
Agree?

JANKOWSKI. The best.

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TOMCZAK. And this is why our friend here was demoted to a fucking ashtray. Who here
wants to be the next ashtray? So get fucking spinning.

[The SPIN-DOCTORS begin spinning.]

TOMCZAK. Madam, walk with me.

[The MOTHER walks with TOMCZAK. JANKOWSKI and KACZMAREK in tow. The stage
configuration changes.]

TOMCZAK. Did you vote for me, madam?

MOTHER. …

TOMCZAK. Of course you did.

TOMCZAK. You know why I like babies? They’re free. They can shit whenever they want.
They’re hungry, they shit. You feed them, they shit. You throw them, they leave a behind a
string of shit. And do you know what I want? All I really want? A good long shit. I just want to
squat down and shit wherever I want. That is freedom.

[We’re in the town square.]

TOMCZAK. Let’s kiss some babies. And don’t let it fucking shit on me.

[We fall into scene 2.]

4
Scene 2.
[The town square.]

[The townspeople cheer.]

DĄBROWSKA. [To the townspeople:] They think we’re dogs!

[The townspeople bark like dogs.]

[TOMCZAK enters with Kaczmarek, Jankowski, and MOTHER.]

TOMCZAK. [To KACZMAREK:] What the fuck is going on here?

KACZMAREK. [To JANKOWSKI:] Get the gun.

JANKOWSKI. The rabble.

DĄBROWSKA. You are not dogs!

[After a moment… the townspeople meow like cats.]

DĄBROWSKA. [To the townspeople:] You are people! People with hopes, dreams, and a
desire for change!

TOMCZAK. [To DĄBROWSKA:] What the fuck are you doing?

KACZMAREK. Where’s the fucking gun?

[Cheers.]

DĄBROWSKA. In Dr. Joanna Dąbrowska’s administration, you will have efficiency.

Competency. A meritocracy.

[Cheers.]

KACZMAREK. [To TOMCZAK, giving him the gun:] Your gun.

TOMCZAK. [Taking the gun.] I hate this fucking town.

DĄBROWSKA. Thirty years of incompetence!

KOWALSKI. And how will you be any different?

DĄBROWSKA. [To the townspeople:] Men got us into this mess. Women will get us out! [To
her campaign deputy, Marcin:] Isn’t that right, Marcin?

MARCIN. I’m not a woman.

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DĄBROWSKA. Cunt.

[Townspeople gasp in horror.]

KOWALSKI. Ladies of Biatłopol, I have a simple question. Who has the biggest cock in
Biatłopol!?

[The ladies of the town scream hysterically.]

KOWALSKI. Me!

MAN IN CROWD. Please fuck me!

KOWALSKI. I will only fuck over the women. But I am candidate that delivers. For the
gentlemen, I refer you to Dąbrowski. We will fuck you all! And you’ll fucking love it!

[The ladies scream hysterically.]

TOMCZAK. Ladies! Gentlemen of Biatłopol. Your cries have reached my concerned ears. See
how concerned I look – am. How concerned I am.

[The townspeople boo.]

KOWALSKI. And what of the explosion? Are you ignoring the death of twelve people and a
cat?

DĄBROWSKA. The poor cat! Does no one think about the cat?!

MOTHER. [Referring to THE BABY:] Her twin brother died.

KOWALSKI. The poor cat’s twin!

DĄBROWSKA. Not the cat, you imbecile. The baby!

TOMCZAK. I remember no brother?

JANKOWSKI. There was no brother.

TOMCZAK. There is hardly a mother. This is a motherless child! This child is an orphan! Why, I
remember walking by the orphanage every day just to see this baby on the swing outside in
the snow. And all I could think of was; how lucky this baby is to live in Biatłopol orphanage
and swing on the Biatłopol swing. And sing our beloved Biatłopol townsong in his beautiful
tenor…

TOWNSPERSON. It’s a girl…

TOMCZAK. Bigot! It will decide if it’s got a cock or a pussy.

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TOWNSPEOPLE. Bigot! Bigot!

[TOMCZAK kisses THE BABY.]

TOMCZAK. [While kissing THE BABY:] Oh, you poor orphaned baby with no cock or pussy.

[The townspeople aah sentimentally.]

TOMCZAK. Vote Tomczak! Vote Tomczak!

[The townspeople join in.]

TOMCZAK. [With arms outstretched, gun in the one hand.] In our lovely Biatłopol, there will
be no more deaths!

[TOMCZAK shoots a bystander accidentally.]

TOMCZAK. From now on!

[The crowd screams and scatters.]

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Scene 3.

[In the pandemonium…]

MOTHER. Please, can I just speak to you…

KACZMAREK. What do you want?

MOTHER. The mayor listens to you.

KACZMAREK. Because I’m right. Even when I’m wrong.

MOTHER. We have nowhere to go.

KACZMAREK. And the office of the mayor apologised.

MOTHER. The explosion destroyed my house. Please. I’m just…

KACZMAREK. A strong woman. Both you and I – we’ve made sacrifices. For example, do you
know what it’s like to be right all the time?

MOTHER. I’ve got nowhere to live. My baby…

[But KACZMAREK has left.]

8
Scene 4.

[Dąbrowska’s campaign office.]

DĄBROWSKA. You’re a useless piece of shit. Are you a fucking man or a woman?

MARCIN. Neither.

DĄBROWSKA. This is what’s wrong with society. What the fuck happened? You either have a
cock or a cunt?

MARCIN. I have one.

DĄBROWSKA. A cock or a cunt?

MARCIN. I don’t identify with labels.

[The MOTHER enters with a Technocrat.]

DĄBROWSKA. [To a Technocrat:] You, find out if Marcin has a cock or a cunt. This is the
problem with society today. People can’t make rational decisions.

TECHNOCRAT. Ma’am, this Mother wants to speak with you.

DĄBROWSKA. If I could grow a cock out of my cunt myself, I could fuck myself and win this
fucking election.

MOTHER. Please, ma’am. May I have a…

DĄBROWSKA. Where is my chest?

[A Technocrat runs off.]

DĄBROWSKA. I’ll be a good mayor, don’t you think?

Marcin. An efficient mayor.

DĄBROWSKA. Fucking efficient. But I wasn’t talking to you. You (mother).

MOTHER. Yes.

DĄBROWSKA. Yes, what?

MOTHER. You’ll be good and efficient.

[A Technocrat comes back with a large chest with a hole at the top.]

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DĄBROWSKA. Oh, how I miss you. [She caresses the chest.] You (the chest) must be hungry.

MOTHER. Please, can I…

DĄBROWSKA. The numbers.

MARCIN. We’re targeting women.

DĄBROWSKA. And conservative cunts.

MARCIN. Please don’t talk like that. It makes me uncomfortable.

DĄBROWSKA. Go fuck yourself.

MARCIN. They don’t trust you.

DĄBROWSKA. I’m the only cunt with a plan.

Marcin. You don’t seem like the people of this town.

DĄBROWSKA. I love the people of this town. Even this… [to MOTHER] Who are you again?

MOTHER. My name is –

DAB. Exactly. This is the type of person the people of this town should strive to be.

MOTHER. But -

DĄBROWSKA. Can someone else talk to me.

TECHNOCRAT. We need to polish your image.

DĄBROWSKA. So Kowalski can fuck everyone…

TECHNOCRAT. He’s got a cock.

DĄBROWSKA. Fuck him and fuck all of you! You know, if I had a cock, I’ll win this fucking
election fair and square.

[DAB takes a sausage and puts in the hole on the top of the chest. It slowly disappears.]

MARCIN. You need to get married.

DAB. [To the chest:] That’s right. You like that don’t you?

MARCIN. Do you want to win?

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DAB. I’m married to my career.

MARCIN. To a man.

DAB. Why are you still talking?

TECHNOCRAT. They’re right.

DAB. They? Who’s they?

TECHNOCRAT. Marcin.

DAB. I should fire all of you.

TECHNOCRAT. Your approvals will go up by 7,36%.

MOTHER. [Very quickly.] Please, if I can just talk to you. You may be our next mayor and I just
need a place to stay. My baby died. Now he’s all I have left and we’ve nowhere to live and -

DAB. Where does that get me?

MARCIN. Over the line.

DAB. I could win.

MARCIN. If you marry.

11
Scene 5.

[Kowalski’s office. A series of secretaries. Szczepańska is performing oral sex on him.]

KOWALSKI. Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuck!

GRZEGORZ. One day someone’s going to bite your cock off.

KOWALKSI. Ughhh!! [He ejaculates embarrassingly.] Wasn’t that great?

SZCZEPAŃSKA. Oh, it was…

KOWALKSI. Remember to swallow, babe.

[SZCZEPAŃSKA swallows.]

GRZEGORZ. So you’re ratings among men…

SZCZEPAŃSKA. I’m still your only first lady?

KOWALSKI. You’re the first lady that swallows.

SZCZEPAŃSKA. You’re so going to win and I’m so going to be your first lady. Promise?!

KOWALSKI. We’ll see.

GRZEGORZ. Men aren’t interested in you.

SZCZEPAŃSKA. You can touch me if you promise.

GRZEGORZ. They think you take advantage of women.

KOWALSKI. [While fondling SZCZEPAŃSKA’s breasts.] I don’t take advantage of women!

GRZEG. Fine, but…

[MOTHER enters.]

KOWALSKI. Who… is that?

GRZEG. Madam, you can’t be here.

KOWALSKI. Don’t be rude, Grzeg.

GRZEGORZ. Grzegorz.

MOTHER. Please, sir. You’re my last hope.

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KOWALSKI. [In agreement.] I am.

MOTHER. Yes. I…

KOWALSKI. Shhh. [Finger on her lips.] I hear you. Every word you say touches me. I am
moved every time you open your mouth. Why not just keep it open for me?

[KOWALSKI begins unbuttoning his pants. His intentions clear.]

MOTHER. Sir, please. I’ll do anything you want, but I need to ask you a favour.

KOWALSKI. She bargains.

MOTHER. I lost everything in the explosion. My baby’s twin died. We lost our house. We lost
everything. I just need somewhere to stay. Please.

KOWALSKI. Babe… you’ve got a fucking sexy voice. You should go into politics.

GRZEGORZ. Thank you for coming, madam. Kowalski, we need to go over your strategy.

KOWALSKI. Do you really want a house?

MOTHER. … Please.

KOWALSKI. How badly do you want a house?

MOTHER. It’s for my baby.

KOWALSKI. What will you do for your baby?

MOTHER. Anything.

KOWALSKI. I love babies. I don’t want your baby to suffer.

MOTHER. Thank you!

KOWALSKI. It’s just… It’s… hard… for me to help you… if you don’t help me.

SZCZEPAŃSKA. But babes…

GRZEGORZ. God, I’m wasting my life.

KOWALSKI. I’ll make you come like never before.

[KOWALSKI takes the MOTHER by the hand and leads her to wall.]

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MOTHER. But… but… [To GRZEGORZ.] Please just take care of my baby.

[KOWALSKI takes down his pants and begins his ministrations on the mother.]

KOWALSKI. Go ahead. You know how hard campaigning gets me.

GRZEGORZ. Finally. So, your numbers among men are…

[DĄBROWSKA enters.]

DĄBROWSKA. Kowalski!

GRZEGORZ. Fuck it!

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Scene 6

[The same, but now with DĄBROWSKA and crew in tow.]

KOWALSKI. [As he ejaculates.] Fuuuuck!

DĄBROWSKA. What a fucking cunt.

KOWALSKI. That was great, wasn’t it?

MOTHER. …

[The MOTHER goes to take her baby.]

DĄBROWSKA. What the fuck is she doing here? Didn’t she die in the explosion?

MARCIN. No, that was twelve other people and a cat.

MOTHER. My baby…

DĄBROWSKA. Let’s not waste time, Kowalski.

KOWALSKI. Wanna fuck me too?

DĄBROWSKA. You disgust me.

KOWALSKI. Kinky.

DĄBROWSKA. Fuck you. Do you want to marry me?

[SZCZEPAŃSKA squeals.]

KOWALSKI. This is why women shouldn’t talk. She’s lost her mind.

GRZEGORZ. You’re trying to sabotage us.

DĄBROWSKA. Why is this person talking to me.

MARCIN. We need the female vote. You need the male vote. If you marry…

DĄBROWSKA. We’ll win.

SZCZEPAŃSKA. But babes…

KOWALSKI. Shut up.

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SZCZEPAŃSKA. Just touch my boobies again. (Then you’ll remember…)

KOWALSKI. Will that work?

GRZEGORZ. …

KOWALSKI. You fucking cunt, will we win.

GRZEGORZ. Yes.

KOWALSKI. Fuck, I’m getting hard.

SZCZEPAŃSKA. But babycakes…

[KOWALSKI slaps SZCZEPAŃSKA.]

KOWALSKI. You can still suck me off.

DĄBROWSKA. [To het chest.] And you’ll always be my only true love. Yes, you will, Yes, you
will.

[The baby cries.]

16
Scene 7

[The town square.]

TOWN CRIER. Kowalski and Dąbrowska are getting married!

[The townspeople react. Ad lib.]

17
Scene 8

[TOMCZAK’s office. Waving his gun around.]

TOMCZAK. That fucking cunt!

KACZMAREK. It’s not a threat.

TOMCZAK. Are you blind!? Are you having a fucking stroke? Stop everything! She’s having a
fucking stroke.

[TOMCZAK accidentally shoots a spin-doctor.]

KACZMAREK. If you shoot everyone, no one’s left to vote for you.

TOMCZAK. (That’s true.) Send him some flowers.

KACZMAREK. Look, if you want to stop this wedding, we should be in the church.

TOMCZAK. You better not be having a fucking stroke, or I’ll fucking kill you.

18
Scene 9

[The church. A wedding in process. Dąbrowska is sitting on her chest in a wedding dress.]

MINISTER. And do you…

[Enter TOMCZAK.]

TOMCZAK. I object!

MINISTER. We’re not there yet.

KOWALSKI. You’re a fucking idiot.

DAB. Look, can we just get this over with.

[The congregation gasps in horror.]

DAB. Just because I love him so much.

[The congregation aah’s approvingly.]

MINISTER. This truly is real love.

TOMCZAK. I object.

KACZMAREK. Not yet.

MINISTER. And do you…

DAB. Yes, I do.

MINISTER. If there are any…

TOMCZAK. I object.

MINISTER. …people…

TOMCZAK. Me!

MINISTER. …who…

TOMCZAK. … Go on.

MINISTER. …believe…

TOMCZAK. I do not believe!

19
DAB. Jesus Christ!!! –

[The holy congregation gasps in horror at the expletive.]

DAB. I mean, o, Jesus Christ, my saviour, please help this man, who does not serve your
higher purpose, nor have the interests of our wonderful holy town at heart, speak so that
we – your humble servants – can continue to bring glory to your name in our holy
matrimony.

TOMCZAK. This marriage is a fraud! A fraud, I say. A sham! These people do not love each
other. He [points his finger at KOWALSKI.] is a con artist! An evil man that will take your
wives!

MALE TOWNSPERSON. But he’s getting married?

TOMCZAK. Even worse! Think of your wife!

MALE TOWNSPERSON. I don’t have a wife.

TOMCZAK. Yes, you do! A wonderful, doting wife who cares for your children who are both
innocent cherubs. I see them now – frolicking in the park. And your poor wife, who saved
herself until her wedding day for you. What of her!? This man will ravage her! Rape her! And
what will become of you? A cuckold, sir! Yes, sir, we all see it. You are being cuckolded! Have
you no pride!

MALE TOWNSPERSON. I do. I don’t want to be a cuckold.

TOMCZAK. Then we must stop this sham of a wedding.

DAB. Listen, Tomczak, as wonderful as this is…

TOMCZAK. And her! She is even worse! A deceitful witch.

DAB. [Pointing her finger at TOMCZAK.] I will fucking kill you if you don’t –

TOMCZAK. Witch! She is casting a spell even now! She is cursing this wonderful, peaceful,
God-fearing town. She is in cahoots.

FEMALE TOWNSPERSON. With whom?

TOMCZAK. The devil!!!

[The congregation gasps.]

TOMCZAK. Yes, the clutches of Satan run deep in this town. I fear for your soul, madam.

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DAB. Jesus Christ.

TOMCZAK. It’s no use calling to our lord and saviour now! He cannot save you now!

(scene still a work in progress.)

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