THE POWER

OF CHOICE
A parent’s guide to empowering
children with decisions
CONTENTS
Introduction
Child benefits
Parent benefits
Practical examples
Final thoughts

ABOUT THIS GUIDE

This guide is designed to help you understand the
value of providing choices for your child. We will
explore immediate benefits for your child, longer-
term benefits for your child, and benefits for you as
the parent. We will discuss how to interact with
children of different age groups with information
and practical examples. By the time you finish this
guide, you will be equipped with one of the best
parenting tools for dealing with headstrong, control-
seeking children. Let’s get started!

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 When I really need my kids to do something,
they don’t listen...

It’s one of the most frustrating parts of being a parent. That

power struggle that takes place when we’re trying to get our
kids to do something we really need them to do.

Imagine this. You’re running late (again), but you can still make
it to preschool on time if your child will just follow directions
and allow you to get out the door. You ask him to put on his
shoes and calmly let him know it’s time to go. His response: a
defiant “no, I don’t want to!”

Sound familiar? If you’re a parent, you’ve experienced

something like this. And you’ve probably experienced it in a
hundred other similar situations. Meal time, bath time, and
bed time – just to name a few obvious ones. So what can we do
about it? Is there a way to interact with our children to make
things just a little bit easier? Fortunately, yes! And it starts
when we let go of some control and provide our children the
power of choice.

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 What does it mean to give my child the
power of choice?
We’re constantly telling our children what to do. What to wear, what to
eat, when to get in the car, when to put their toys away, when to take
a bath. If somebody told you what to do that much, you’d probably be
sick of it too. So how can we help our kids to feel some level of control
and independence in their lives? We give them choices as often as
possible.

So what does that look like? Let’s start with what it’s not. Giving your
child choice is not allowing them to do whatever they want whenever
they want. It’s also not an expectation for you to create a huge list of
options for your kids that you are then required to accommodate. The
concept of choice is about as simple as it gets. In a situation where you
want your child to do something, come up with a list of 2-3 things you
would be willing to accept from your child and give them as options.
The point is to give your child control, independence, and a sense of
partnership with you. In this moment, your kid becomes a decision
maker. And that can make a world of difference in how they react to
the situation in front of them.

What does it look like in practice?

It will take some time to get used to, but the idea is incredibly simple:
any time you realize you need your child to do something, you quickly
think of a way to provide choices to your child, instead of making a
demand. For example, instead of telling your daughter that she needs
to eat strawberries, ask her if she’d like to have strawberries or
blueberries with her dinner. The idea is to provide your child with the
opportunity to make a decision that isn’t inconvenient and isn’t a
worse outcome. In this case, there’s no inconvenience because both
fruits are available and easy to prepare, and the outcome is the same:
your kid has a nutritious fruit with dinner.

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 BENEFITS
The first thing you probably want to know is how this will benefit
your child. The second thing is how can this concept help you.
The good news is that empowering your child with choice, if done
correctly, benefits everyone involved and comes with very little
downside or risk. Let’s talk about all those wonderful benefits
that appear when you start giving your child the ability to
choose.

Immediate Benefits for your Child

Less frustration and tantrums: In a situation where every part of a
child’s life is decided for them by the parent, the child will get
(understandably) frustrated. When a child is given some authority to
decide what happens in their own life, we should expect to see
more contentment and less episodes of anger and frustration.

Increased cooperation: In a situation where you need your child to do

something, commands are less effective than collaboration. Your
kid is much more likely to do what you’ve asked if they feel they had
a part in making the decision.

Boosts self-esteem and confidence: When you treat your child with
respect and validate their choices, they will feel valued and
important. As they make more decisions, particularly more complex
or impactful decisions, they will begin to feel more capable. This is
particularly true with our younger children and can build a strong
foundation of self-esteem and confidence in our kids.

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 Developmental Benefits for your Child
Promotes independence and responsibility: If you make all the
decisions for your child, it will be very hard for them to develop
independence and autonomy. Empowering them to make decisions
will give them the freedom to make choices that they will be fully
responsible for. This can be one of the earliest ways for us to show
our kids that the conscious choices they make will have
consequences. Over time, your child will learn to trust their
judgement as they build emotional and mental skills.

Encourages problem solving skills: Decision-making is a skill that

requires practice. As you give your child choices, you are helping
them to improve this important life skill. When your child considers
different options, particularly as they get older, they will think about
the potential consequences of each available decision. This will
positively impact their ability to think critically and problem solve.

Develops negotiation skills: A child that is constantly given commands

and demands will be in danger of becoming overly obedient and
passive. Providing choices and requesting input from your child will
lead to more dialogue and open discussion with them. This result
will be attempts at negotiation that should be supported. While we
don’t want our children to fight us on every request we make, we
also don’t want to raise submissive adults focused on people
pleasing and avoiding conflict.

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 Benefits for the Parent
Reduces conflict: Constantly interacting with our children from a place of
control is an invitation for power struggle. When we can successfully find
a way to be more collaborative with our children, everyone will be more
satisfied in the relationship, and we will see an obvious reduction in
conflict. It essentially comes down to this: when our children feel that
their opinions are respected and considered, they are more likely to be
cooperative and show us the behaviors we would prefer to see.

Improves communication: We can learn a lot about our children when we

take the time to understand their desires and preferences. The most
underrated positive outcome of giving our children choices is that we
better understand them. You may end up learning some new ways of
interacting with your child that will make your life infinitely easier. For
example, you may find that giving your kid options for dinner
significantly improves their desire to sit down and eat. Or maybe you
learn that your child who always complains about brushing her teeth is
suddenly excited about it because she has two tooth brushes with her
favorite characters, and she gets to choose which one she uses.

Improves the parent-child relationship: This combines a lot of ideas from

the last two points and other things found throughout this guide. As you
enter into a more collaborative space with your child, you will see
incredible benefits to your relationship with them. Remember, your
children are given so few opportunities to have any control or power
over their lives. That lack of authority (in any area of their life) can be a
main driver for the power struggle behaviors we’ve all experienced with
our kids. As you go through this process, you will begin to notice the
impact the power of choice can have on your child, along with all the
benefits it can provide. The result will be better interactions and a higher
level of mutual respect.

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So what does this look like?
At this point, you’re probably thinking, “this all sounds great. But
I’m not really familiar with this. How am I supposed to do it? And
what am I supposed to say?”

It can be helpful to have some practical examples of what it looks

and sounds like to give your children choices. To make things
easier, we will break down examples for different age groups.
This should give you a good idea of how to get started with your
child, no matter their age and preferences.

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 Toddlers (1-3 years old)
This can be a tricky age given their rapid brain development and
their inability to regulate big emotions. But in a calm situation,
options can still be highly beneficial. Toddlers are beginning to
assert their independence and will challenge parental authority to
engage in power struggle. Giving choices can be highly beneficial.
Because they are immature developmentally, keep the choices
simple and limit the number; two is the preferred number of
options, and three would be the maximum we’d advise. Make sure
the choices you are giving are age appropriate and realistic.
Here are some examples:
Do you want to wear your red shoes or your gray ones?
Do you want to play with your toys or read some books?
Do you want to brush your teeth before or after we put on
pajamas?
Do you want to go for a walk or a wagon ride?
Do you want to have blueberries or a banana with your
breakfast?

Pro Tip!
Providing choices can be particularly
beneficial when you’re trying to get your
child to do something they normally fight
you about. The “brush your teeth” option
above can be an example of this if your kid
doesn’t like that activity. Will it always work?
Probably not. But changing things up and
giving them a level of control can be a good
way to positively disrupt those feelings your
child has associated with that activity. If you
find it’s difficult to get your child out the
door in the mornings, allowing them to
choose their shoes could be a game changer
for you.

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 Preschoolers (4-5 years old)
At this age, we still want to keep our options fairly simple with
limited choices. However, it’s appropriate for us to add some
complexity. Our kids are reaching an age where they are developing
their decision-making skills. They want to learn new things and take
on more challenges. We should support this desire for growth.
Here are some ideas of choices you can provide to your preschool-
aged child:
Do you want to go to the park or the library today?
Do you want to have a sandwich or spaghetti for lunch?
Do you want to do your puzzle, paint, or play outside?
Which book do you want to read? Let’s choose from one of
these...
[At a restaurant, looking at the kids’ menu together] Do you want
the chicken, the burger, or the pizza?

Pro Tip!
You may find that your child responds even
better when you communicate that they are
making a decision for the whole family. If you’re
in a situation where it makes sense for you to
do the same thing as your child, feel free to
make it a decision for the whole group. Take
the lunch question above, as an example.
Instead of saying: “Do you want to have a
sandwich or spaghetti for lunch?”
Try this instead: “What should we have for
lunch today? Sandwiches or spaghetti?”
This is another way to empower your child and
give them some control in a world where they
often have none. It also adds a level of
responsibility to their decision because it’s no
longer just about them.

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 School-age Children (6-12 years old)
Once our children enter into school, we will see significant
development, both mentally and physically. This includes critical
thinking skills and problem solving. During this time, our kids will
become much more independent and enter a new stage of social
development. We can begin providing our children with complex
choices, including those that could have a greater impact on their
lives and how they spend their time. It may also be appropriate to
engage with them about the pros and cons of their decisions. We are
also reaching the stage where we can begin asking open ended
questions. Here are some ideas:
What do you want to do for your birthday party?
What extracurricular activities do you want to do this school
year?
When do you prefer to do your homework? Before or after
dinner?
What movie do you want to see? (list a few appropriate options)
What do you want for breakfast?

Important!
This group has a wide age gap. You may need to continue to
provide options for your young children if they appear
overwhelmed by these types of open-ended questions. We must
also remain in perspective. Yes, our children are becoming more
independent, and they are much more capable of making
decisions, but they are still children. We will often need to impose
limits on certain choices and say “no.” If this happens, we should
calmy explain why and redirect to other, more appropriate,
choices. For example: “no, we can’t go to that movie. It’s for adults,
and it’s not appropriate for your age. Let’s choose between these
two instead.” Just use your common sense. They are undergoing
tremendous growth, but they are still young children. They need
our consistent guidance and support.

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 Teenagers (13-18 years old)
During this time, our children will really begin to embrace
independence. They will also go through a lot of development in
forming their identity. It’s common for our children to prefer spending
time with their peers over their family. As our kids learn who they are,
who they’d like to spend time with, and what they’d like to do with their
life, consistent connection with them can be a challenge. Our
adjustment to their newfound independence and decreased desire to
spend time with us can be incredibly difficult as well. Again, we can raise
the complexity of the choices we give them. It’s also acceptable to ask
more open-ended questions at this age. More than ever, we must also
allow them to make their own decisions without intervention, even if we
don’t always agree (within reason of course). We can’t always be there
to hold their hand, and there’s nothing a teenager gets more frustrated
with than a consistently overbearing parent. Some of the decisions they
make during this time could have a real impact on them in adulthood,
so this is a very important time for our kids. Here are some examples of
choices you could give your teenager:
Which sports do you want to do this year?
Do you want to go to camp again during summer break?
You can choose what we have for dinner tonight. What would you
like?
Would you like to bring a friend to the movies with us this
weekend?
What do you think you want to do after graduation?
What kinds of things are you interested in as a
future career?

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Final thoughts...
You now have all the tools you will ever need to be a successful
parent! Okay, maybe it’s not that simple. Or easy. But I can
guarantee that you will see positive impacts if you start giving your
child some power through choice. Don’t get it twisted. You will still
run into conflict with your kiddos, and the power struggle will
persist. That’s a part of the parent life and your child’s development.
But know this: your children absolutely desire control in their lives.
Whenever we can provide this for them, they feel empowered and
respected. The result is more confidence, less conflict, and a better
overall parent-child relationship. That’s a win-win-win situation, and
we need as much of that as we can get. So the next time you catch
yourself imposing demands on your child, pause for a moment, get
creative, and see if you can rephrase that demand into a question
with some simple choices. You will be amazed by the impact it can
have.

A big thank you to all of you supporting our efforts here at The
Parent Project! We are working hard behind the scenes to provide
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doing an excellent job as a parent. We’re eager to help, and we will
do all we can to empower you on your parenting journey!

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