Some people think that technology has (had) a largely positive impact on family;, however, in my Comentado [1]: wrong

]: wrong punctuation
view, these technological advancements might include multiple negative aspects. Comentado [2]: Isn't it a bit ambitious for what the
essay task asks you to do?
To start off, these devices have had a massive role in the entertainment industry. Now, instead of
Comentado [3]: informal choice
watching TV channels, most people have digital subscriptions to services like “Netflix”, or “Disney+”.
Children are given iPads instead of toys from a very young age. This has a very big impact on their Comentado [4]: which ones? You only mentioned
advancements in the introduction (which were not
brain development, affectings their attention span and socialization skills. mentioned either))
Comentado [5]: This topic sentence should be focused
on the impact of technology over family life. Instead, it is
Furthermore, technology has broken the communication between families. Nowadays, when most focused on the entertainment industry which is not what
people have dinner, instead of talking with their families about how their day was, they are on their the essay task asks..
devices playing games, watching videos, instead of talking with their families about how their day Comentado [6]: This idea is great and I couldn't agree
was. etc.Consequently, socialization skills are seriously damaged, especially with …. more, BUT the essay task asks you to discuss the
impact of technology on families in relation to "ways of
spending free time"
However, technology has also had multiple positive uses, such as communicating with people Comentado [7]: what type?
hundreds of kilometers away, or being able to work from home. Comentado [8]: Mind order of ideas so as to be direct
and avoid possible confusion in the flow of ideas
Comentado [9]: informal
In conclusion, technology is a really useful tool if implemented correctly. [HOWEVER, THE NEGATIVE
Comentado [10]: You should add a further comment
EFFECTS OUTWEIGH THE POSITIVE ONES AS IT TURNS DIFFICULT TO REGAIN THE FREE FAMILY TIME that concludes your view and restates your opinion from
MISUSED OR THE FACE-TO-FACE INTERACTION In order to avoid the negative aspects of it, the introductory paragraph
implementations can be made such as heavily limiting the time kids spend on their devices and Comentado [11]: This idea should be better
controlling the content they consume. elaborated. Even though you're discussing a valid point,
there should be a topic sentenceand then THE
explanation. For instance, "...positive uses, such as
making long-distance communication possible and
instantaneous"
ASSESSMENT: 13 /20
Comentado [12]: This is a possible way you could
finish your essay
- Content: 3 / 5
Comentado [13]: You're not stating your main points,
- Communicative achievement: 3 / 5 but merely giving a suggestion (which is acceptable
only after you have restated your main arguments).
- Organization: 3 / 5
Comentado [14]: PASSED -
- Language: 4 / 5