The Macalester Hegemonocle

Volume 2, Issue 1
Spring 2010

Mikey Freedman Dan Rocklin

Co-Czar Co-Czar

Mina Bakhtiar Katie Campbell

Suspiciously never in the same place Bohemian
as spiderman
Hannah Fishman Jon Gershberg
Cheeto Connoisseur The Franchise

Hannah Johnson Alex Juffer

Bison Enthusiast Thomas Jufferson

Daniel Kerwin Ryan Kerwin

Newspaper Mogul Kangaroo Trainer

Matt Kusner Maxwell Loos

Eye Candy Thunder Thighs

Sher Afghan Tareen

Chief Embezzler

Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum

 The Smoking Ban: As
many of you know, the
campus has been float-
ing the idea of making
Macalester a smoke
free zone. Many are
under the impression
that this is a plan to
Greetings Comrades improve health on cam-
pus or to alienate you
It is I, your friendly leader of the Hegimonocle. I just from yourself but in
wanted to stop by to tell you that there was an error in reality the implications
our last publication. Contrary to what you may have
are much graver. We
been told, Hegemony has not invaded our campus.
Quite the opposite, the grounds of Macalester are as
in the resistance have
Hegemony free as always. The picket signs promot- been communicating
ing awareness are going up on schedule, lunch is through smoke signals
being served on time, the secret mind control police ever since Hegemony
are walking around just like.... oh I’m sorry, did I say took over the airwaves.
secret mind control police? I meant squirrels...the Smoke signals are
squirrels are walking around just like normal because safe and untraceable
everything IS normal. Please do not believe anything because it is hidden
you remember from our last issue about an invasion in all of the additional
by Hegemony, that was just a minor printing error, see smoke rising from the
we were trying out this new printing press and...shhh
grate near Wallace or
someone’s coming ....Hey! Who are you? And what’s
going on here? ...Hey! You get away from that com-
the outside of Dupre
puter... and thus Hegemony
can’t pinpoint the spot
where the signal origi-
nated. Thus, I ask you,
Macalester students,
to smoke twice as
*BANG* hard to demonstrate
your opposition to the
*RATATATAT* ban. Smoke twice
as many packs a day,
*EXPLODE!* switch from cigarettes
to cigars, hold effigies
of random members of
the Scottish parliament,
anything to increase
Hello Comrades, disregard everything written above, while we were out to get a bite from the smoke output is an
the cheese shop Hegemony snuck into our hideout and was trying to alter our publication act to resist Hegemony.
to pretend like nothing is wrong. Thank god they didn’t take too long making our sand-
Lungs are replaceable;
wiches and we got back before Hegemony started printing more lies. This is happening
free and authentic exis-
more and more, Hegemony trying to keep order by pretending everything is normal. Let
me tell you the truth about what’s been going in the 6 months since Hegemony has taken tences are not.
over:
Moving Spring- Although
fest inside: In 92% of
an unusual move students
the annual tradi- spend
tion of springfest upwards
(a recreation of of 23
the pagan fes- hours
tival of fertil- a day
ity and frivolity inside,
adapted to Ma- the move
calester life by has none-
eliminating all theless
traces of sex and sparked
carefree-ness and wide-
replacing them spread
with a photo skepti-
booth) has been cism
moved away around
from nature. campus.
Wheat Pizza: As many
of you have noticed,
Wheat pizza continues
to be a popular offering
in café mac. In the past,
wheat pizza has been
offered as a way of recy-
cling excess cardboard
and cat vomit that was
found on campus. Since
Hegemony has taken
over, though, wheat
pizza has gone from
gag-inducing oddity to a
sinister tool of indoctri-
nation.
Hegemony has added a cocktail
of psycho-pharmaceuticals to the
crust (again, recycled cardboard).
Both guesses are
quite shrewd,
but unfortu-
nately there is a
far more sinis-
ter plan behind
the move to the
Leonard Center.
Once the student
body has been
Students speculating about the
gathered inside
impetus for this move fall into two
the Leonard
camps: The first seem to think
Center, Hege-
that MCSG thought it would be
mony is planning
fun to have a concert that lasted
on force-feed-
past 7, while the second tend to
ing everyone
think that the hologram of Mathew
wheat pizza,
Santos (a nonexistent artist made
and springfest
up by MCSG and digitalized to
isn’t even on
life by the physics department
a Wednesday!
when Macalester couldn’t book
More on that
tATu) can only work indoors.
below…
Actually, we changed
our minds. All this stuff
is good and normal. *BANGBANBANG*
*LARGER EXPLOSION
THAN LAST TIME*
Those of you who have
eaten the pizza may have
felt the results: a greater
acceptance of the ideas
of others; the inability to Goddamnit, Hegemony got in again. If
consider concepts that ex- only those cheese sandwiches weren’t
ist outside of a dominant so delicious… but we digress. The
world-view; a super-en- point is, Hegemony is alive and well.
hanced libido (although But so is the resistance. So keep smok-
this last one is technically ing, keep not going to Springfest, and
a side-effect of the drugs). for the love of god, stop eating wheat
Stop eating wheat pizza. pizza.
It will fuck you up.
xoxo,
Gossip Hegimonocle
MacChatroulette Comes To An End
Macalester to discontinue popular program
In a statement released early
Saturday morning, President
Rosenberg confirmed widespread
rumors that Macalester College
will end its controversial “Macales-
ter Alum Chat Roulette” initiative.
“While it saddens me to bring
this news to you today, I have no
remaining options except to close
the book on this ill-fated program,”
Rosenberg choked out between
sobs.
The controversial Macalester
based web site lasted a scant three
months under increasing pressure
to close due to an avalanche of
complaints regarding harassment,
douchiness, and, of course, awk- eye for talent, sources surround- and productive lives to vote come
ward sexual advances. ing Emmanuel have leaked that he judgment day.”
The short lived site was pur- was, in fact, “scouting the web for Entenza repeatedly refused
portedly dedicated to “catching up the next Justin Bieber. Sometimes to comment on the black market
with friends, and perhaps seeing a for days at a time”. There has been boobs-for-votes market spreading
penis or no news yet on whether this will be nationwide, which may or may not
two if that reflected on the upcoming season have originated in his very office.
happens of Entourage. One alumnus, who happened
to be your More recently, State Repre- to be the seventh Secretary-Gen-
thing.” sentative Matt Entenza changed eral of the United Nations, wished
How- his campaign’s official website to to speak anonymously due to his
ever, this www.chatroulette.com/MattEnten- highly regarded reputation. Though
has not za/videochatsforabrighterfuture. he enjoyed bragging about his
stopped This doesn’t come as a surprise to ping-pong skills and generally talk-
many some political analysts, as Politi- ing shit, he was angered about the
Greg Mathison famous co’s James McDougal notes “recent lack of respect shown on the site.
White House Fashion Macalester polls show Entenza’s campaign re- “A modest amount of shenani-
Counsel alumni ally struggling in the creepy and/or gans or horseplay is acceptable.
from visit- compulsively horny young man de- But at a certain point I can no lon-
ing the site. It was reported by sev- partment. In exchange for showing ger condone an organization such
eral sources that Hollywood super- his boobs, Matt has really created a as this that refuses to take a strong
agent Ari Emmanuel was spotted strong base. Unfortunately for him, stance on world hunger, sex traf-
on the website, but no individual a significant portion of these men fickers, and genocide,” he said.
was able to confirm this because he are from out of state and it is yet He also added that “mutual
“nexted them so quickly.” Known to be seen whether they can take masturbation will be the demise of
for his compulsive behavior and a break from their extremely busy our generation.”
Article Continues On Next Page...
Upgrading to 4G:
Gnomes named Mac’s fourth G
After hours of deliberation the
Tri-Annual Convention of Sexu-
ally Frustrated Macalester Women
voted to add a fourth “G” to the
quintessential “Three G’s rule”
concerning Macalester men.
“In addition to the glaringly
obvious
“Gay,
Gross,
and Girl-
friend”
we really
felt that
to en-
compass
the whole
Ernie of the
White House Rubber issue at
Ducky Counsel hand we
needed to
add a fourth “G” to the mix, to be
completely comprehensive,” said
Tess Shmarley, a co-chair of the
TACSFMW.
While there were many
choices of astute and self-esteem
crushing descriptions, the Official
Task Force About Boys, decided
that “Gnomes” was the most ap-
propriate.
The Department for Multi-
cultural Life cites that the large
freshman class includes a dispro-
portionate amount of gnomes.
“While we are accepting of all
types of all small wooden garden
figurines” said Janna French, “the
gnome population is an issue that
us desperate women must confront
and not sweep under the table.”
When asked on how they are
reacting to this recent legislation,
The Gnome Student Alliance for
Tappin’ that Ass responded that
“for thousands of years women
have been intimidated by our large
statures,” squeaked Ranzni Twirly-
beard, president of the GSAFTA.
“This just is an obvious repression
of their natural attraction to our
beards and magical powers” he
added, flexing his twig like arms to
his nearly spherical belly.
Other men have also been
opposed to this action. “Now we
have all these gnomes running all
over the place, our position as big
men on campus has really faltered”
said Theoretical Biology major
Josh Gruelberg, as he popped a
pimple.
Several male organizations
have been talking about pass-
ing new legislation at their an-
nual “Really Awkward Staring
and Dancing Strategy Meeting,”
proposing a resolution titled “Hey!
That hurts our feelings! Just kid-
ding! We are still friends right?”
Mac Cha-
troulette No
More!
Well, you found it. Aren’t you clever?
Risking innocence and dignity,
this reporter obtained an example
conversation between two Mac
Alumni. It went as follows:
Alumnus 1: “hey u…”
Alumnus 2: “whaaat up baby girl.”
Alumnus 1: “oh you know, just
doing me :p”
Alumnus 2: “you see that they’re
gonna take out the public option
and restructure the abortion lan-
guage in the health care bill?”
Alumnus 1: “I know. I’m totally
bumming.”
Alumnus 2: “boobs?”
Alumnus 1: “dick?”
Alumnus 2: “deal.”
When President Rosenberg was
asked if any other programs were
in the works to connect Alumni in
the neighborhood, he paused for
a second before responding that
“Alumni are still welcome to stroll
around campus and pretend to be
students on occasion. Furthermore,
we will be constructing a play-
ground with teeter-totters and shit
for them. And if they’re lucky we’ll
break out the Slip N’ Slide when it
gets a little warmer out.”
The Alumni association is
expected to respond with a referen-
dum that would allow them to eat
in Café Mac on select days.
Water-slide, Arcade Added to IGC
Intitute for Global Citizenship and FUN.
Due to the lack of student turnout in the
recently constructed Institute for Global Citi-
zenship, Macalester’s administrative board
has decided to install three water-slides and
“
an arcade section to augment participation.
“This is a great way to get
We should have definite-
Macalester’s already active ly considered investing continue to increase over
student body even more ac-
in a giant trampoline.
tive” said Brian Rosenberg,
pausing to chuckle at his own
hilarious pun. “Do you get it?” he added.
Some members of the administration have
even talked about renaming the IGC to the
“Institute for Global Citizenship.....and Fun!”
arguing that this “would really represent the
true mission of the IGCF.”
Yet some have criticized the adminis-
tration’s use of college funds, especially in
these hard economic times.
“We should have definitely considered
investing in a giant trampoline, or at least
one of those pits with all those plastic
balls, I mean those are awesome!” said
student-body President Jeff Geston.
Concern has also be voiced by area
Chuck-E-Cheeses and McDonald’s
Playplaces, saying that the Macalester
student body represents a considerable
amount of their clientele.
“How are we supposed to compete
with a facility so close to their home?”
said Chuck-E-Cheese manager Bill
Houston.
Despite being ill-received by particu-
lar individuals, the administration points
out that the new and improved IGCF has
increased the percentage
of fun by 59% and will
the next couple of years.
”
After getting to the fourth
level of Pac-Man and
getting eaten by “another fucking ghost,”
sophomore John Erinson exclaimed, “Fi-
nally there’s a use for this fucking place!”
“Hey, do have any more quarters?” he
added.
 mac weekly opinion section mad-lib
be creative!

Dear Editor,
We here at Macalester pride ourselves on being . We frequently
adjective verb
and even once, I think it was, I remember distinctly walking
adverb date and time
by and seeing a group of students for the
present verb noun adjective
people of . But by uncritically accepting this notion that Macalester is, as a
place
whole, a place where a can , I believe that the student body has
noun verb
blinded itself to the many ways in which we are really a group of
adjective
.
plural nouns
I can remember only a few ago when my friend came
units of time name
running into my room crying and . My friend, the to a
present verb(ing) familial relation
from , could not believe what had just hap-
adjective profession place
pened. Here in a Macalester classroom, the sacred space of this , someone had
noun
just casually made a joke, as if it was nothing, that the of in
type of event date
was not of one the most and horrific event in the history of man.
country adjective
Macalester students think they’re but really they’re .
good adjective bad adjective
For example, the campus is considering a smoking , a policy that would be
noun
equivilant to . We always say that we will support , but really
war crime silenced minority
we just smoke . As claimed in the
really fun drug 20th century critical theorist adjective
work on -wave (-ist) literature titled “The ,”
ordinal number big fancy adjective big fancy noun
“when all the are gone and the can , only then
plural nouns animal verb
will the subject face the fully into the abyss and exist as a .”
noun
Think about that, . Let it sink into your , and let’s have a
plural nouns body parts
real .
activity
 marginalized at mac
so much junk in that trunk
By Falco
Senior Elephant Correspondent
Janvember 22nd, 1026 A.D.
A recent study indicates that a rather large (and presumably gray) problem has found its way onto the Macalester campus and is
impacting a sizable portion of the student body. A number of individuals have called for action against a form of “spec-ism” that is
infiltrating the campus. Specifically, elephants, as a historically underrepresented ethnic and cultural minority, have felt the impact of
this form of discrimination. Says Dumbo Patterson, a senior and student of elephantine cultural descent, “I’ve faced it everywhere. In
Café Mac, student employees just assume I want peanuts on top of everything I eat.” He went on to describe how being an elephant
has negatively affected dorm life for him: “I suppose my roommate didn’t like the idea of lofted beds, because he was really passive
aggressive when I brought that up. I’m Minnesotan, so I’m used to this kind of behavior, but I’d have to argue that he was being par-
ticularly rude to me,” he said.

Other elephant students complain the specism is extending into their

social lives. An anonymous freshman elephant commented, “I was so excited
e
to be at my first real college party back in September, so I asked the host if I tB
could do a kegstand. The whole room just fell silent – I was utterly humili- We ll No
ated.” Sha ved
Mo
Babar Stein, a sophomore, agreed. “I started dating this girl I really liked
at the end of my freshman year. I can’t even begin to describe our first inti-
mate experiences – she was always saying ‘don’t poke me with your tusk’ or
something mean like that. It really broke my heart.”

Many solutions have been proposed in order to combat incidents of

specism at Macalester. Winifred Lyman, head of EAG, the Elephantine
Awareness Group, suggests the creation of a “safe space” for individuals of
the Elephantine persuasion. “At this point, the C-House is not, well, fit, to
accommodate all of our elephant students. This is going to require some seri-
ous investment,” she said.

Others have suggested holding a forum in which Elephantine students

would be allowed to discuss the impacts of specism on their daily lives. One
Elephantine student argues that the problem has extended beyond the boundaries of classroom and social life.

“Some of us elephants are worried about our safety on campus. You know, the other day, I saw an ivory poacher in Olin Rice.
Now, I can’t speculate as to what his intentions were, but it certainly made me feel uncomfortable,” she said.

Jane Hathi is a theater major who insists that specism has negatively affected her academic experience. “Every time I’ve been cast
in a show, the costume and set designers have complained non-stop. It’s really hurtful when they ask me to wrap myself in a bed sheet
for every show, because ‘that’s what’s easy’.”

Jane further remarked that she is passionate about ballet and wanted to be a dance minor but was written off because she has flat
feet.

“I wish everyone would stop prescribing to this stereotype of what’s ‘graceful.’ Give me one chance!” she said.

Evidently, specism has made its mark on Macalester students of the Elephantine persuasion. The students impacted are making an
effort to bring about change, one step at a time.

“We know this is going to be a long battle. We’re going to have to be patient. But people are going to have to change their ways.
Us elephants have a tough time forgetting.” Lyman concluded
 a boring, civilicized discourse
published here for some reason
Prologue

The discussion is once again heated. Matt, a rabid Cavs fan, is frothing with excitement in his talk about his favorite basketball team.
Equally so, Sher Af, worshiper of all that is Wizards, is throwing up just thinking about the Wizards while pretending to shoot Matt
in the face. Through the froth and vomit are playoff thoughts. Matt ponders, “Could the Cavs win it this year? Can Lebron fulfill his
dream of ultimate basketball glory, all while remaining close to home? How can I get Kobe alone in an alley?” Sher Af considers,
“What kind of possible world would it take for the Wizards to make the playoffs? Would apes rule over humans? Would I be a bear?”
(see “Ram Kali and the Bear”)
These are the questions that motivate the ensuing tirade between a 130 lb. brawler hailing from Arlington, Virginia, Sir Sher Afgan
Tareen, and the someone who also happens to weigh something (Ed. Note: Pretty much like 500 pounds) from Cleveland, Ohio, Mat-
thew Kusner, Esquire.
Scene 1
GDD third floor, east side (strong side). March 30th, 2010. Looking down the hallway we see one light fixture in the middle of the hall-
way, under which are Matt and Sher Af. This the first time they’ve seen each other since the trade of Antawn Jamison from the Wizards
to the Cavs as well as the suspension of Gilbert Arenas, and, needless to say, tensions are high.

Matt: So..how are your *cough* sucky *cough* Wizards doing? I heard they suck.

Sher Af: Well, actually Andray Blatche has been doing a pretty decent job of picking up the slack after Arenas...

Matt: (interrupting) Oh yeah!! OMG!! Areans is super dumb! (to the tune of the James Bond theme song) Duh, dumb, dumb, dumb!!!
Du, dum dumb! Duh, duh duh dumb!! Duh duh dumb!!

Sher Af: I suppose he did take the joke a little too far.

Matt: Too far!?! More, like, he’s Mike Tyson, and he uppercuts a koala in a cage match.

Sher Af: Thats DC motha fucka, anyone can shoot you at literaly any time, he would have been dumb not to be packing

Matt: So as a Wizards fan, do you consider killing yourself?

Sher Af: Not really. The Wizards, I think, are in somewhat of a rebuilding stage. I’m optimistic about how the...

Matt: (thinking hard) Yeah?! Well, you should be dumbamistic right now! Cause that’s what the Wizards are!!

Sher Af: Fuck you poop face, does anyone even know what a Cavalier is?

Matt: No, you’re drunk!!

Sher Af: Uh, I’m not so sure...

Anonymous: Cavs suck ass!

Matt: Alright who the fuck said that?! Which one of ya’ll fucks said that?!

Sher Af: I’m sure they didn’t mean it.

Matt: Oh yeah?!! The Wizards are like a 2-year-old in Death Valley, they suck!!

Sher Af: Dude, what are...

Matt: (taunting) We’ve got Jamison! We’ve got Jamison!!

Sher Af: Goddamn.

Sher Af: (walking away, singing) “...tryin to get this money for the rent. For the Cadillacs and gas money spent. Because a whole lot
of bitches talkin shit. We’ll have a whole lot of bitches talkin shit...” Don’t worry kids- it’s continued on next page!
 Scene 2
Kowalski’s. Matt is eating his expensive Manchego cheese as fast as he can. Sher Af is bent over, crying over his rotisserie chicken; his
tear drops seasoning the fowl.

Sher Af: (crying and eating) Fuck my life man.

Matt: (eating) Oh, yeah thanks! I’ll just take some off the wing.

FIN!
FORTUNE 500 FORTUNE COOKIE
1522 St. James Rode
Baltimore, Maryland 21032

Dear Students for a Democratic Society,

I am writing to ask you nicely, once, to stop trying to stop business as usual. Have you ever stopped to think that some of us like busi-
ness as usual? Like, really, how selfish are you? Didn’t anyone ever teach to you mind your own business? Well that includes your
own usual business; leave my usual business alone.

I like my business just fine thank you. I get up every morning at 7 and ride my stationary bicycle five times around a computer gener-
ated track. Sometimes the computer even pretends I am in Egypt…Egypt! Any day I can get up and be transported to the mythical
and exotic country of Egypt is a good day and if that’s “business as usual,” well that is just fine with me. Then I go to work at my firm
– yes I have a firm, and yes I wear a suit…oh look at me I’m such a square…not.

I work at an awesome firm. We are a research firm and we research what people like to read in their fortune cookies. Did you know
that “let a smile be your umbrella” has been the most popular English fortune cookie phrase since its inaugural printing for the Hunan
Manner Restaurant chain in 1993? No you didn’t because you have been too busy trying to disrupt business as usual. Well, anyway,
I go to my desk and open up 100 fortune cookies; they say the factories could send the paper to me directly but I like being able to
crunch them open myself, and if that isn’t freedom I do not know what is. I read them and draw up surveys to see if people like them
and then I log the data and email it to China. Also, I get to eat 2000 fortune cookies a week so don’t tell me business as usual doesn’t
have its perks. At lunch, I am usually too full to eat my watercress and butter sandwich and drink my carrot vitamin water, but I can
sniff it all I want and every day it smells good. After work I go hang with the crew (Jim Bean, Alf, and Boris) at the Applebee’s bar in
the strip mall. Everyone knows our names except on Wednesdays and Fridays when Kelly, that new bartender, is working. But don’t
worry, she will learn. The point is that we are pretty much the Cheers of Applebee’s – wacky antics and all – and I think it’s safe to
say that if business is unusual that can’t happen now, can it? We complain about women, compare tick tack toe strategy, argue about
Developmental League Basketball (Go Blue Hawks)... Yes, business as usual is great. After the bar I go home, eat another watercress
and butter sandwich, practice my sousaphone, play Chinese finger trap while I watch reruns of Rosanne, then bed. My bed is shaped
like a Honda Prius, so you can see why I love business as ususal.

So see, not everyone’s business is as awful as the business of the poor transgender 3rd world Jewish women you kids claim to repre-
sent, and I think it’s mighty inconsiderate of you to think that just because their business is so bad we all need to throw up our hands
and in the air and wave them around like we just don’t care or whatever it is you want us to do. I mean really, one time I was almost
late to Applebee’s because you hooligans were doing finger painting in the middle of I-94 in order to support Ingenious Zoroastrian
Women in Eastern Northern Western Tuvalu, and to be honest I’m not really sure why you were supporting them, much less why fin-
ger painting helped. My point is that yes, business was unusual that day but it was unpleasant and really, who likes that? I did not work
my way through fortune cookie school, rise up through the ranks from baker to fortune writer (I came up with the classic “a notable
event will happen soon”) to market analyst just so a bunch of college students could make everything all crazy every time there is a fly
in Bosnia who is not getting full constitutional rights. You can go be crazy all you want but please leave the rest of us alone. Some of
us have friends, families and hybrid car shaped beds and sousaphones that – yes – may represent business as usual, but really isn’t the
usual business the only business that ever really matters? For me, business as usual, my friends, is booming.

Sincerely

Chad Kensington
By Manute Bol
 and now a message from the cubs
it was on their website?
By World B. Free
Senior Sports Something
1231, The Age of Men

As Major League Baseball begins anew

on April 4th, all thirty teams have grand
hopes for the fresh season (except the
Pirates, who have already forfeited all
their home games in an effort to save
money). However, the Chicago Cubs,
notorious for a one hundred and two
year World Series drought, seem posi-
tively laid back and nonchalant regarding
the season. Star pitcher Carlos Zambra-
no captured the pervading atmosphere
of the Cubs locker room this year:
“Listen man. Every year reporters are al-
ways asking us if this will be the season
where we finally break the streak. I think
I speak for the whole team when I say we’re tired of it. We try pretty darn hard out there, most of us give 70-80 percent
every other game and I personally know that (manager) Lou Pinella attends a game at least once a week.”
Zambrano’s sentiments were echoed by fellow teammates, as Alfonso Sorioano noted that there are “29 other teams
out there. I mean, that’s a shitload of teams. How can you expect us to be the very best out of all those teams? Top 10?
Maybe. But I don’t think anyone can really expect us to be the best team, that’s just unrealistic.”
The Chicago Cubs have had three straight winning seasons and had reached the playoffs two straight years before
last year’s disappointing, injury-riddled campaign. They return a strong core of veteran talent and are expected by ana-
lysts to compete with the St.Louis Cardinals for the NL Pennant. Impressively, this has not stopped first baseman Derrek
Lee from tempering expectations.
“The thing (Cubs) fans have to remember is there is always next year. If you’re familiar with Einstein then you know
that time is relative so what does it matter if we win this year or next year or in one hundred years? Ted Williams never
won a championship with the Boston Red Sox and he’s a lot better hitter than me so it seems a little selfish if I expect to
win one in my career.”
Indeed, any Cubs fan will tell you it’s been a long a painful road since 1908, and though any reasonable human
being would have moved on to another team by now, Cubs fans seem to share a certain delight in the self-flagellation
each new season brings. Like a small child who can’t help but touch the stove top no matter how many times it burns
him, every year Cubs fans come back with a new perverse sense of hope, patching their hearts back up just in time to
have them shattered once again. Newly signed Marlon Byrd added that, “I look forward to join this historic and celebrated
baseball team. Like any true Cubs player, I plan on choking down the stretch right after I get everyone’s hopes up.”
 the homework helper
i berate people who ask questions
By The Great Pumpkin
Senior Tang! Correspondent
Blowvember 22nd, 1026 A.D.

Hello Macalester community. Those of you clever enough to have read the inaugural issue of the He-
gemonocle may be lucky enough to recall that I am Dr. Professor. Congratulations, you have already
proven more intelligent than the majority of the Macalester student body. You may interpret that as
praise, but that is where you would reveal your incompetence – if you had half the brain that I pos-
sess, you would no doubt also recollect that I am intellectually far superior to anybody on this campus
(and likely in this state), and so my previous comment in relation to your ‘above average’ brainpower
was a mere impassive observation rather than any type of felicitation. With the knowledge that you
are unlikely to make the mistake of misinterpreting my words in future, I waste no time in moving
on to the section of this column where I demonstrate just how unintelligent the average Macalester
student is by answering the simple questions that you all seem to find so difficult.

Dear Dr. Professor,

I hope you don’t take issue to my greeting. In the last issue of this magazine I read your column and noticed
that you seemed to spend more time correcting people on how to address you properly rather than actually
helping with any homework. I feel like that was a little rude of you – if you advertize help for homework, you
should try to answer as helpfully as possible, in as few words as possible, so as to maximize the number of
questions you can answer. I feel like grievances such as improper greetings could be dealt with better privately
and off of the printed page. That said, I just have a small question on mathematics. How do you take the de-
rivative of a quadratic polynomial?
-Don’t Drink and Derive

Dearest 3D,
I assume that you don’t mind being called that, since names are of no importance to you. I do find your greeting satisfactory – kudos
to you for absorbing the essence of my lessons in the previous issue of this magazine. I find that aspect refreshing at least, even if the
rest of your ‘question’ was something of an insult.
You would accuse me of wasting people’s time with my teachings in etiquette when I could have been answering more questions,
or being more thorough in my answers to the questions that I deigned to lend my mind to? I say simply that your claims are heinous.
On the subject of your suggestion that I settle concerns unrelated to the actual content of a student’s question by means other
than through use of my column, I remind you that all questions are anonymous. While it would take barely any effort on my part to
analyze the question, its syntax, and such aspects as handwriting for questions received in the mail and digital signature for those
received on the World Wide Web in order to track down the sender, I have more important ways to spend my time. In fact, to do so
would cut back on the time that I could potentially spend helping students with their homework problems.
In relation to your allegations that I could be more helpful in this column than I already am, I rebut that to do so would in fact be
unhelpful to students. My job is to lead them to the top of the hill that is their problem (some are more like mole hills) so that they
can see the other side and arrive at the answer independently. Were I to lead them down the other side, they would not have learned
enough from their descent to survive in the wilderness that exists on the other side. They would not be able to conquer a similar hill
in the future without my guiding intellect.
With that in mind, my advice to you for your problem with polynomial derivatives is that www.wolframalpha.com is a very good
resource for any mathematical questions you might have. If you still have problems, send me an e-mail.
-Dr. Professor

P.S I have included a graph of the Dow Jones Industrial Average from 1985 to 2005 and a photo of Gary Busey to explain this more
clearly.
continued on next page
Doctor,
I am a Sociology major. I’m studying interactions between people of different races, religions, genders and
ages in various cities around the world. I was wondering if you might have any raw data on any such inter-
actions, and if so if it would be possible to co-author a paper with you.
-Socially Inept

Dear Sociopath,
Yes, I realize that Sociopath is not the name that you gave me, but I felt like it encapsulated the gist of
your question more accurately. While we’re on the subject of names, I would appreciate if you would refer
to me as Dr. Professor… I won’t say anything more on this subject as it appears to be a touchy matter with
some people. Look at 3D’s greeting above for future reference.
Where do I begin to answer your question? Your focus is entirely unfocused, your proposed method is
preposterous and your request is downright unusual. I don’t think there’s enough room in this entire maga-
zine for a full response to your question, but I will do my best to help you in as little space as I can.
Find just one or two variables to control, limit your area of investigation to places that you can actu-
ally study without a million-dollar budget, go out and collect the data yourself, then write your own paper.
While I have enough knowledge in my head alone to write such a paper as you propose, I would not have
you co-author it with me for anything. To be honest, you seem kind of strange.
-Dr. Professor
 the most brilliant essay ever written
You idiots
By Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill
Senior Literature Correspondent
Blowvember 22nd, 1026 A.D.
Some things you should know:

•Semicolons will be ubiquitous; in many cases, a single clause would shatter under the weight of my
ideas
•Endnotes will also be used liberally1
•Do not assume that because this essay is insightful and well-written2 that it is not also humorous.
You will know which parts are humorous because I will use humorous words, such as weasel and
pants, but also longer humorous words like superfluous or waffle, indicating that this is an essay only
for the very intelligent,3 probably having at least a few semesters of small, liberal-arts education.
•Those of you who are complacent and un-agitated and wish to remain so should burn this essay im
mediately.4

Prepare to be provoked. Animorphs number 5, The Predator, is the greatest literary ac-
complishment of the past infinity years.5 Let that though marinate in your brain for a few hours before
continuing to read. Glad to see that you’re back.6 Before I can explain what the gre atest literary accomplish-
ment of all time is, we would need to determine some objective criteria. I propose the following: First, not
boring. This criteria alone eliminates many of the so called literary accomplishments that are touted as the
greatest.7 Second criteria: The inclusion of a flipbook at the bottom of the pages. Third criteria: Awesomeness
of the cover.8 Fourth criteria: plot involves a group of teenagers who have been given the ability to turn into
animals. Hokey dokey, now we go about evaluating Animorphs number five against every other writer ever.
First, it’s not boring. It’s the first one narrated by Marco, and it details his relationship with his father and the
Alien Andelite Ax. So it’s hard to imagine how anyone could find it boring. Second, it has a flip book at the
bottom of the pages, showing Marco turning into a gorilla. Third, the cover is also awesome, also showing
Marco turning into a gorilla, but unlike the flipbook it’s in color. So clearly, Animorphs number five is a good
book, but is it the best book? Yes. No other book has a flip book at the bottom, and an awesome cover, and is
not boring.
Now, it is time we engage in a thought experiment.9 How much awesomer would a piece of literature
like Hamlet be if it involved people who could turn into animals? I’ve constructed a sample piece of dialogue
below:
To be a gorilla or not to be a gorilla– that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to be a gorilla
The slings and arrows of being a gorilla
Or to take arms of being a gorilla
And, by being a gorilla, being hairy. To eat bananas, to knuckle walk more
1
When a single footnote will not be adequate, expect to encounter and endnote attached to a foot note
2This is true, in an earnest and un-ironic sense. I’m saving all my irony, which has become a valuable commodity in this post-9/11
world.
3Here I am using the literary device ‘elitism’.
4Avoid inhaling the fumes, an essay as provocative as this can agitate in any state of matter, even (especially?) gas.
5Statements this provocative necessitate bundercization (bolded-underlined-italicized)
6I’ve just broken the fourth wall. If I have time, I’ll repair it before I’m finished.
7I’m looking at you, Moby Dick. (That’s what she said.)
8The axiom “You can’t judge a book by its cover” is one of the greatest lies perpetrated against the American people.
9 At this point, someone should volunteer to be the control group. At school, I learned that every experiment needs a control group.
 the most brilliant essay ever written
keep reading you idiots

I think I’ve made my point. But I can sense that my more clever readers are objecting.10 “But Essay-
ist, what about the other Animorphs books? Wouldn’t they also meet your oddly specific criteria?” To this
I have two responses. First, there’s such a thing as being too clever for your own good, jerk-faces. Second,
Animorphs number five is clearly the best Animorph book ever written. So much happens! For one thing, it is
told from the point of view of Marco, the best character. Also, he turns into a Gorilla, so that’s awesome too.
However, if pressed on this point I would be forced to admit that all the Animorphs books are great and that it
is perhaps impossible to determine the greatest. It is best then that we turn our attention elsewhere, lest we go
mad sifting through a veritable mound of impeccable diamonds for non-existent flaws.11
I interrupt this essay to bring you an important message. The world is going to end in 2012. I know this
because some people who made a calendar a long time ago stopped adding dates after 2012. WHY WOULD
THE DO THAT UNLESS THE WORLD WAS GOING TO END? READ A BOOK PEOPLE. Anyway, I hope
that y’all focus on the positive implications of this news. First of all, it gives us an avenue to speculate about
the cause of our eventual extinction, which is always fun. I have a couple theories, thanks for asking.

•Theory the first: Dinosaurs come back, with a vengeance. It’s happened before . Read a book
people.12
•Theory the second: Sharks. I don’t think I need to explain this one, but then again there’s a good
chance that you (the reader) are semi-literate at best. So I’ll spell it out for you. Here it goes: SHARK
BITE-BITE MAKES HURTY-HURT. I think that makes it pretty clear.
•Theory the third: Pants explosion. Pants have been around for approximately seven million years, and
we haven’t had a major pants-explosion event yet. I’d say we’re about due, HM13?
•Theory the fourth: Rogue weasel gets its hands14 on some nuclear waffles. Right now, mutually
assured destruction keeps us from launching nuclear waffles at each other, but a rogue weasel would
have nothing to lose.
•Theory the fifth: Fuckin… Volcanoes, why not. Have you ever seen that bumper sticker that’s like
What Would Volcanoes Do? The answer, if I’m not mistaken, is cover everything with magma.

So, welcome to the pre-apocalypse. Enjoy it while it lasts. In the mean time, don’t sweat the small stuff. As
Ferris Bueller once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around some combination of sharks,
volcanoes, and dinosaurs will probably kill you.”

10Perhaps my dumber readers should stop here, as my analysis will only get more sophisticated from here on
out.
11This is a metaphor, unfortunately. If anyone knows where to find a mound of diamonds please email me at
diamond_aficionado22@gmail.com.
12See the documentary Jurassic Park 2. Or Denver The Last Dinosaur.
13I myself have been pants-free since ‘03. My copious levels of body hair makes pants pretty superfluous any-
way.
14Paws?
 Q&A with a capital Q
Interview Inside The Hegemonocle
(a.k.a. The Most Fun You’ll Ever Have in the Next Five Minutes of Your Life)
very issue of the Hegemonocle promises
to bring you an enthralling interview with
a member of society you may not have
previously known to be enthralling at all.
The subjects are selected at random by rus-
tling through bushes and finding the first available
thing with a pulse. For our last issue we stumbled
upon Seth MacFarlane, and while routinely rustling
through the bushes on campus the other day I found
our next interviewee. His name is Terminator, and he
is a squirrel. We got to talking and ended up having
a very genial and informative talk about such topics
as life on campus, the truth behind trash can diving,
the weird places he has seen Macalester students
growing fur and why it has become necessary to ex-
terminate all the bunnies on campus. Prepare to be
enthralled.
The Hegemonocle: So why is your name Termina-
tor?
Squirrel: I killed a student once.
Hege: Ummmmm…
Squirrel: Hey man, I’m just kidding! Or am I? Wan-
na come closer and find out?
Hege: No. So anyway, all the students here think that
the squirrels at Macalester are the craziest squirrels
anywhere in the world. Like completely out of your
minds crazy, not just a little eccentric. How would
you respond to that?
Squirrel: You guys think so highly of yourselves,
don’t you, dismissing us as the crazy ones? I’ve
watched each and every one of you – man do you
guys live a crazy, whacked-out existence. You sit
through hours of classes where you just listen to hu-
man beings lecture about other human beings and
their crazy theories about the laws of nature or
science. These crazy people wrote whole books of
whacked-out ideas, and you Macalester students
take time to READ them? And you guys never get
used to this whole Minnesota thing, do you? Yeah, it
gets cold, brainiac, yet you choose wear ridiculous
looking vintage tank-tops rather than keeping your-
self warm. Either grow yourself some fur or put on
some freakin’ clothes! You kids are just plain nuts
(pun reluctantly intended).
Hege: Alright, calm down, I get the idea. But at least
we don’t go diving into trash cans like you guys do.
Squirrel: Are you kidding me? I’ve seen you guys
– if there’s a dumpster anywhere NEAR campus you
students dive right in! This whole friggin thing, you
guys so hardcore copied that from us. And at least
we don’t eat wheat pizza – burn!
Hege: That just plain hurts. I’ve only eaten that stuff
once – ok, twice, the second time was a dare (sooooo
not worth it). And I’ve never dived into a dumpster…
except that one time, and I was looking for bread…
nevermind! Anyway, what’s the deal with you guys
not hibernating during the winter? Shouldn’t you be
collecting acorns and just sleeping on a huge pile of
them during the winter months or something? Isn’t
that normal?
Squirrel: That whole hibernation thing is just an
elaborate propaganda tool aimed at suppressing us
and keeping us docile. We don’t have enough time
just to sleep all the time during the winter, you guys
don’t realize how busy it is being a squirrel on this
campus. While you guys are wasting your time G-
chatting all your friends we’re taking care of the se-
rious issues.
Hege: Like what?
 Q&A with a capital Q
Squirrel: Well, for example, too many of our breth-
ren have met their fate falling out of these ridicu-
lous non-native trees you guys planted on campus
– we’re steadily gnawing away at their roots to get
rid of the hazard. Oh come on, don’t give me the
whole “save a tree” speech, I’ve seen how many
pages you guys print out in the library every day.
Hege: Wait what’s your beef with the trees not be-
ing local, aren’t the black squirrels on campus from
Canada anyway? You guys have no right deciding
what’s local or not.
Squirrel: That’s true, us squirrels of Macalester
College pride ourselves on our multiculturalism
and diversity – in our population we have all types
of squirrel, grey, black, black and orange, albino…
some of us even come from like a whole five blocks
away. You students talk about being diverse, but
you all look the same to us!
Hege: Dude, come on… Hey, hold on a second, my
friend’s walking over here. Hey, Amanda! What am
I doing? Oh, I’m just talking to this squirrel… wait!
Amanda! Come back! I’m serious, this squirrel is
talking!
Squirrel: Such a loser…
Hege: Whoa, you think you’re just so smart don’t
you?
Squirrel: Ha, fine words coming from you! YOU
guys think you’re so smart getting your fancy col-
lege degree and all, but we squirrels spend pretty
much all day laughing about how little you know.
For instance, yesterday I saw a pair of students
walking past talking about Nietzsche’s theory on
nihilism but they got it all wrong! They were obvi-
ously ignoring Nietzsche’s theory of the opposition
of Apollonian and Dionysian impulses in art, and
the Übermensch and the thought of eternal recur-
rence. Also, Nietzche was primarily concerned
with acorns.
Hege: Nietzsche? Who’s that dude? Anyway, what
do you think you know about academia?
Squirrel: Well, funny you should ask, because your
professors ask us the same questions about you
guys. At night all your professors start their REAL
jobs and pass on their important knowledge to us.
My favorite class at the moment is taught by Mar-
lon James: Creative Squirrel Writing. Unfortunately
most of the stories in the class are about family
members who have fallen out of trees. It really is an
overwhelming issue in our community. Also a lot of
anti-rabbit literature is being produced right now.
Hege: Oh yeah, what’s that all about?
Squirrel: You see, the squirrels and the bunnies on
campus really don’t get along. We’re convinced
all the bunnies are originally from St. Thomas and
need to get the heck off of our turf, but then they do
all that burrowing and hopping and all and get away
from us all the time… cowards. If we had oppos-
able thumbs we’d so be kicking their asses right
now.
Hege: Are you guys cannibals?
Squirrel: Whoa, what gives you the right to ac-
cuse us like that? We squirrels get along great. We
even put on squirrel dances. They’re kinda awk-
ward, feels kinda like something out of The Matrix:
Reloaded. But we’re not cannibals. I wouldn’t be
against eating a student though now that you men-
tion it… just kidding again, come on, where’s your
sense of humor!
Hege: Well, I guess I’d better go off and find it
then. And I’d better go find Amanda and tell her
I’m not crazy for talking to a squirrel…
Squirrel: Ha, good luck with that one!
Well, I hope this interview has left you, the reader,
thoroughly enthralled, and that maybe you learned
something too. I’d stay and chat, but now it’s time
for lunch and I gotta go find the nearest dump-
ster….
Dear Hegemonicle,
If you are reading this, it means that
I would like to cordially invite you to da
T-Pain T-Party. From reading the New York
Times, I can tell that this new Tea Party
craze has been all the rage amongst the un-
civilized masses, and I fancy it my duty to
bring some class to the institution. I mean
Sarah Palin hosted the last one, and dat fe-
male is fucked up man. And I am not solely
referring to the biblical sense, if you catch my
breeze, Shawttttaayyy.

Yes,
I am fully aware
that our correspondence has been less than
consistent and appallingly terse in these months following my regret-
table behavior at the Bartlett’s dinner party, in which I bought more drank than my fundz
allowed. But I hope that we remain in good enough standing that you could attend my little gathering of some of my
closest, most dear of females. Now you should know exactly what kind of group of I am assembling for this momen-
tous occasion. For obvious reasons, namely that they be some punk-ass bitches, the Bartletts will not be attending, which
leaves more of the pork loin for us! Ha, its all in jest, yea yeah yeah. You and lovely children, Musiq, Lyriq, Kaydnz Kodah
and Lil Wayne will, I trust, be in attendance.
I beg of you, Hegemonicle, to attend, for it will be better than all the other Tea Parties preceding it. I have attended a
few of these other, larger Tea Party gatherings and was shocked at their lack of fine teas and conversation, and almost no one
walked it out. Truly no way to treat a guest such as myself. But trust me Hegemonicle, my tea party will not disappoint.

Cordially, as always
T-Pain
P.S. Snap yo fangas.
 my friend david
a story of humerous import
By Leo Tolstoy
Senior Gulag Correspondent
April 5th, 1912
So a lot of people probably think my friend David is nuts, like completely off his rocker. I guess I don’t
necessarily disagree, but please, let me give you the low down on David before you go believing everything you
hear. My friend David is not a big music person, he rarely goes to concerts, he does not know about pitchfork.
com, he thinks The National’s best song begins with “Oh say can you see,” and he once asked me if the con-
cert was named for Snoopy’s friend or vice versa. The fact is, David spends every extra dollar he makes in the
antique music shop buying vinyl records. He has so many records it’s often hard to keep track of which Guns ‘N
Roses Greatest Hits album is where, and as long as you have two ears, you will inevitably be able to start up a
conversation with David about a record he has that you like that he has probably forgotten about. No, David is
not a music guy, he buys the records to spin them backwards.
Allow me to explain. Since David heard “Ode to Satan” when he spun Stairway to Heaven backwards on
a hunch, he has been obsessed with finding hidden messages. So record after record gets spun on his turn table
with David’s ear propped right up next to the vinyl. He has found some pretty good stuff, you know. Some of it
is what you would expect. If you play “This Land Is Your Land” backwards you hear Woody Guthrie reading
instructions on how to best supplement your linen with smallpox. “Revolution Number Nine” backwards is a
commercial for Coca Cola and “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” backwards is a twenty minute monologue by John about
how love and peace really sounds like Mac and Cheese when you think about it and maybe they could use that.
Some of it is a bit surprising though: “Californication” played backwards is “New York, New York,” “Bad”
backwards is Molly Ringwald reading the entire scrip from Beauty and the Beast, and every single Phish al-
bum happens to sound the same way forwards and backward. One of the most surprising things was maybe the
Black Sabbath Album “Mob Rule,” play it backwards for more than a minute and Ozzy starts screaming at you
“You stupid mother fucker, you think just because we are hard rock we fill our albums with subliminal messages
telling kids to kill their fucking parents, fuck you guys” before the album bursts into flames. It’s all good stuff.
And play The Carter Three backwards in a Luther Vandross greatest hits album for Mother’s Day and you get a
lecture by Will Smith on respecting women, although David thinks that maybe that was the original intent of the
album and maybe when they played it backwards and found a perfect sounding Weezy album they decided that
that would be more profitable.
I knew a few artists did that in the studio, but I was floored when David told me concert albums went
like that too. Simon and Garfunkel in Central Park anniversary played backwards is a fifteen minute talk by
Art Garfunkel on why Ringo Star should be understood as having reinvented rock and roll. Jimmy Hendrix at
Woodstock is a series of bombs being dropped tonally distorted to sound like the Star Spangled Banner and U2
Live in Buenos Aires is a little hard to make out, but if I am interpreting the groaning correctly, Bono is liter-
ally fellating himself. The Rolling Stones live from Altamont seems to have a dialogue between Keith Richards
and Mick Jagger just before the show where Richards mentions that it is sad that Jay Gatsby dies at the end of
the Great Gatsby. Crazy right, but that’s not all. It may have started with secret music messages but he soon fell
in love with codes of all types. After seeing the word SEX in the sky in the middle of the Mufasa’s ghost scene
in lion king he watched every moment of every Disney movie to find more. Disney hides their codes, I guess,
because all he was able to discover was that every time Lindsey Lohan blinks in the Parent Trap a clock on her
eyelids displays a countdown and the words “X years to total shit-show.” Steam Boat Willy takes a break from
whistling and driving the boat to inform the viewer about the Jewish Media Conspiracy before dancing around
with a crocodile; that one is not so much a code as just the entire second act.
There are codes where you would least expect it too. Did you know that if you take every third letter
of the “The New Colossus” (which is that shitty poem about the statue of liberty) it spells out “Soccer is gay”.
Also, if you set the second two Matrix movies on fire before playing them you will have a relatively better cin-
ematic experience than you would watching them without destroying them first. So that’s my friend David for
you. Is he crazy? Maybe. But weren’t all the innovators considered crazy in their day?
 Harold of Café Mac vs. Anthrax - Deadliest Warrior Episode 10

The Anthrax Virus. Used frequently as a bio-
logical weapon against people without email, it
fucks shit up. It’s got like spores that get inside
of you and start messing up your alveoli and go
through the blood stream and you’re gonna start
bleeding and shit. Similar to the Z-virus, once
a host infected with anthrax dies it becomes a
potential source of infection.
Harold. Notorious for his quick ability to spot
stray backpacks at mealtimes, Harold is an
enigma. Raised in a culture of warriors and op-
tometrists Harold was taught at an early age to
harness his perception of backpacks. He was
trained for days without food or water. The
embodiment of agility, dexterity, and wheat
pizza, he became a killing machine.

WEAPONS:
Close Range: Harold - Backpack snatch; Anthrax - Spores

The backpack snatch was tested on a variety of targets: kids with backpacks, parents with backpacks,
grandparents with backpacks, etc., with similar results. In each case the backpack snatch was gruesomely
effective at getting people to put their backpacks where they were supposed to.

The spores at close range were mildly effective. We tested the spores on the gel head with lackluster re-
sults. The spores were then released upon a 400-lb piece of beef, causing some internal bleeding.

The backpack snatch gets the edge for settin’ fools straight.
DEADLIEST WARRIOR – WEAPONS (cont’d):
Mid Range: Harold - Polite Request; Anthrax - Spores

The polite request we noted was not as good as inflicting damage on our targets. While it did manage to cut
off a gel arm at a distance of 2 ft., outside of this range the polite request had little effect.

The spores at mid range were somewhat more effective than at short range. A football full of anthrax was
tossed between two 12-year-old children. After a period of 4 minutes we noticed some trouble breathing
and obvious aspiration of soft tissue into the lungs.

The spores get the edge for killing one of the children.

Long Range: Harold - Bow & Arrow; Anthrax - Spores

To test the Bow & Arrow we brought out the gel torso and placed Harold 75 feet away. While managing to
puncture the crotch, we found that Harold hit the torso once every 100 attempts.

We enclosed the spores in a letter which was sent to the producer’s grandmother. The spores turned out to
be as good as a horse kick to the face.

The spores were given the edge for lethality and accuracy.

Special Weapons: Harold - Cafeteria Tray; Anthrax - Spores

We tested the cafeteria tray again against the gel head. Given one strike Harold managed to completely
destroy the back of the head. We clocked him at about 175 mph.

The spores were sent as an email attachment to a random sampling of the members of Fountains of Wayne.
Unfortunately, none of the targets were noted as having symptoms of internal bleeding.

The cafeteria tray was given the edge for the brutality finisher.

Critical Strike Weapons: Harold - Card Swipe; Anthrax - Rising Dragon Fist

The card was tested on eight different pigs of varying fat content. The pigs with above average BMI were
given a right good cuttin’ up using a standard VISA card without Visa Signature Shopping ©.

We set up ten tables with white linen tablecloths, each with a fine assortment of wine and cheeses, and in-
vited friends of the staff to enjoy a nice late-afternoon get-together. We then allowed the anthrax to unleash
its critical strike weapon. We found it disrupted most happy evenings, spilling some of the wine and inter-
rupting pleasant conversation.

The Rising Dragon Fist was given the edge for its obvious rudeness.
DEADLIES WARRIOR – SIMULATION:
The fight takes place in Olin-Rice. Harold is seen emerging from the shadows of the lower floor. He is
anxious and looking around intently. He walks briskly up the stairs leading to the Chemistry Department,
there is no sign of his opponent. His pace is more restrained as he jumps down from the second floor into
the middle of Smail Gallery. Damn it! He moves into the Math Department and notes a far away table at
the corner of the department. As he approaches he finds a letter addressed to... what? Harold? That’s me!
He opens it quickly, excited at the thought of its contents. As rips it open he finds a letter from his mother:
“Remember the code” it reads. Thanks mom! He begins to move to the hallway when he notices some
white powder in the backpack of a student walking out of the department. “Ma’am. Excuse me ma’am.”
Harold tries in vain to get the attention of the student, with minimal effect. Harold bolts towards the stu-
dent; graceful, yet determined. He snatches the backpack, it’s super effective! The antrax spores now make
their way towards Harold. But he is like a tiger on heroin as he grabs the cafeteria tray strapped to his
back and delivers a blow with a force of 500 psi at an individual spore. Spore by spore Harold sends each
back to his maker and the tiger is victorious.

DUCKS!
Ducks doing things ducks don’t normally do.
> JANE GOODBISON
some people combined with food
because we have space to fill

Martin Piedigger

Banana Arendt

Johnny Depperoni

George Acorn Squashington

Baroccoli Obama

Warren Old Country Buffet

Carrot Top

Deep Blueberry

Cecil John Rocky Rhodes

 A Few Minutes with
Sher Afghan
Macalester’s premier human being and
thinker takes some time out of his busy day to
share his thoughts.

Hello friends and admirers, today I would like to tell you an old
Mogol folk tale that I believe is more relevant today than ever.
This is the story of Ram Kali and the Bear.
The financial losses suffered by the British during World War
II were too much and the British consequently could no longer
occupy their colonial territories. See, a bear was eating mangoes
sitting below a tree as the blazing sunlight shined upon his face.
While most of us know about the grief-stricken partition stories
and brutal killings on both sides of the border, no one remem-
bers the love story of an Indian feminist thinker and sorcerer
who fell in love with a Pakistani bear.
People always made fun of the Indian feminist thinker, Ram
Kali, because her name sounded like an exotic drink made of
rum, tequila and Dr. Pepper. She would reject such misogynist
nonsense and reply, “I am no drink that you could lick and puke
upon… you jerks. I am the dark lord. The lord of all creation.”
She was correct.
Most people in her neighborhood had told reporters of see-
ing men created out of her. One neighbor, Ramprakash, even
reported to have seen Gandhi come out of her voluptuous groin.
He was, however, later admitted to a psychiatric treatment center
in Oxford, London. Anyway, most men made fun of Ram Kali,
completely oblivious of her magical powers that could suck the
blood out of their veins.
One day Ram Kali walked down to the lake to clean her clothes
and take a bath. On the opposite end of the lake lay a forest
where Ram Kali saw, sitting below a tree as the blazing sunlight
shined upon his face, a bear. She could not stop gazing at his
bullish arms and thick chest hair, his round eyes, his hair…ev-
erywhere…ohh, all that hair made her hot and wet!
Until that moment, Ram Kali was well-versed in the egoistic
philosophy of Ayn Rand. But after witnessing the bear, she
thought to herself, “Why should I only care about my own ambi-
tions and concerns anymore. I feel the urge to teach this bear
and play some footie with him.” And so she followed her raw
instincts.
She pulled on a towel, departed from the lake and went off
into the forest. The howling of the owls and the growling of
the Indian leopard terrorized her, but then she slowly regained
her calm as she tracked down the bear, still sitting below the
tree and fully occupied reading Cosmo magazine.
Before Ram Kali could greet him and profess her love to him,
the bear stood tall, gazed into her lusty nostrils and said, “I
know you love me, babe! Every time I put some conditioner
on my chest hair while taking a shower, girls like you from
the village down east always come by and interrupt me. I
promptly ask you to go back to your village and allow me to
concentrate on my Cosmo readings.”
Ram Kali could not stand the insult that this bear inflicted
upon her. Using her magical powers, she turned all the ani-
mals in the forest into Bengali snakes and ordered them to
attack the bear.
The bear fought valiantly, sometimes even hitting the Bengali
snakes with his Cosmo magazines, but he was soon martyred
for his true love, those sluts on Cosmo. This incident brought
an uproar in this historically peaceful village and people
started to loot and fight, mostly over the few copies of Cosmo
that were still in pretty good shape and were not harmed too
much by the Bengali snakes.
But this uproar led to the division of the sub-continent into
India and Pakistan. The memory of the bear is created and
recreated every year in major festivals across Pakistan on the
independence day. People across villages buy bear costumes,
give each other bear hugs and most importantly, avidly read
porn magazines.
While teaching amateur Japanese porn stars how to take
control over their sex acts on her tour to Japan, Jenna Jamison
took a few moments off her busy training session. In an
interview with People magazine, she talked about the Bear
Festival and said, “I want to send my wishes to all the people
of Pakistan…they are my biggest fans. I will do my best as
their role model. May Allah bless the nation of Pakistan and
take the heroic bear to live in heaven. Amen!”