The Macalester Hegemonocle

Volume 4, Issue 1
Spring 2011

Mikey Freedman Dan Rocklin

Bad Cop Good Cop

Mina Bakhtiar Jon Gershberg

Mistress of Cheetos The Big Ticket

Hannah Fishman Katie Campbell

Hater Bohemian

Hannah Johnson Alex Juffer

J. Jonah Jameson Lil’ Juffy

Erin Hocking
Peer Mediator Ryan Kerwin
Dingo Trainer

Matt Kusner
Eye Candy Maxwell Loos
Fund Rager

Joey Frankl Rebecca McCrory

Dr. Franklstein The Big Fundamental

Jake Waxman
Man of Wax
Patrick Leppink-Shands
Le Pink Panther

Jeff Garcia
Guvna
Hannah Tsuchiya
Chief Medical Officer

Michelle Einstein
Nobel Laureate
Justine Decker
Smart House

Joey Mayer
The Wildcard Melissa Larson
The Pagemaster
Libie Motchan
The Bambino Joseph Evers
Party Every Day
Coat Rack
Coat Rack Sarah Haight
The Chosen One

Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum

spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

Dogs & Chicks

A Photo Essay

Let’s face it, chicks love dogs. If I learned anything from

Homeward Bound, it was that chicks get a boner for dogs.
But how do they do it? Or better, how do I become a dog?
After 57 dog years of research, I managed to figure out
what makes dogs so fly.

Just look at this G, scoping the streets for chicks.

His face says I don’t need you, but his body says
Let’s DO IT. And with a build like that, what chick
is not going to want to have sex with this dog?

Check out my man in action! The girl’s all like “let’s freaking
get naked dog” and he’s like “what’chu talking about bitch?
Can’t you see I’m tired? That I’ve had a long day at work?
That I’ve already had sex with 6 chicks this afternoon? Girl
I need a break. I’m not a motherfucking machine.”

A chick asked this dog for some firewood and he

brought her back a tree. How did she repay him?
Let’s just say she had sex with him.

My D-double-O-G macking on this chick in a park: “Hey

girl what’s up, what you readin’? Is it Call of the Wild? Is
it White Fang? Is it Where the Red Fern Grows? Is it The
Curious Case of the Dog in the Nighttime? The biography
of 1998 pro bowl MVP Keyshawn Johnson entitled Give
Me The Damn Ball? Because I can sympathize with that
last one”

Girl: Oh! Um, you know, well nothing.”

Dog: Is ‘nothing’ as interesting as you smell, baby? Cause
you smell fine as hell!”
Girl: Let’s get it on.

That’s all there is to it! You gotta hand it to ‘em, dogs are
pros at workin’ the ladies. So next time you see a dog, make
sure to give him some big ups, ‘cause that dog is definitely
not a virgin. If my research has told me anything, that dog
has been working it since he was 14 years old, which is 2
human years, which, by my calculations, means us non-ca-
nine bros have gotta lot of catching up to do.

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spring.2011 Hegemonocle
Police: Macalester College a front for mid-level
Twin Cities drug operations [dick tracy]
The world of higher education was shocked Saturday
when federal agents announced that an ongoing investi-
gation had turned up irrefutable evidence that Macalester
College, a respected private liberal arts college in West St.
Paul, was, in fact, a front for a midsized Minneapolis co-
caine dealing operation. FBI agent David McPherson an-
nounced the investigation’s findings at a press conference
on Saturday, claiming “this was a hard one, but the good
guys eventually won out.”
As early as March of 2008, the St. Paul Police Depart-
ment began looking into the money trail of known Min-
neapolis narcotics distributer Burt “Slick Money” Brown.
“Something didn’t add up,” explains Lt. Carla Green,
an original member of investigation. “These guys were
making thousands, sometimes tens of thousands a month,
but where was the money going? We were able to trace
some of it to a few well-known drug fonts: a hotdog stand
on Lake Street, the Minnesota Timberwolves, the band
Creed and Silly Bands, but at the end of the day there was
still money unaccounted for.”
Then, in early 2009, a confidential informant tipped
off investigators that several of Slick Money’s associates
had taken briefcases full of cash to “some school by the
river.” Several high level undercover agents confirmed that
these transactions took place several times a month, lead-
ing the FBI to form a special task force to investigate the
flow of money into Macalester College. It was the fruits of
that investigation that were revealed Saturday.
Confidential sources within Slick Money Brown’s or-
ganization say the college was used as a bank of
sorts, a legitimate front to hide the gang’s prof-
its from selling drugs on the 20-25 corners they
control.
“We would take the cash in some briefcases
to a parking lot and give it to this short dude
named Brian,” claimed one informant who asked
to remain anonymous. “Short dude, but word is
he wasn’t someone to fuck with. The boss said he
makes the cash look legit.”
A series of raids conducted Friday uncov-
ered a hoard of falsified tax filings documenting
the multiple ways in which the drug organiza-
tion used the college to hide their profits. Chief
among these methods was the construction of
the Institute for Global Citizenship, the fund for
which served as a funnel between the college and
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volume4.issue1
drug organization.
More than $1400 in drug money. Other programs, like
the basketball team, Safe Walk, and no tray Tuesday , were
created to hide the gang’s money as well. Although there
is speculation that some legitimate business did indeed go
on at the small St. Paul college, it appears that most of the
school’s activities were for the benefit of the gang.
“The Annual Fund, MPIRG, the Humanities Media
and Cultural Studies department: fake, all of it fake,” said
one informant close to the situation. “Occasionally we
would have to hire a real professor so the Department of
Education didn’t get suspicious and realize that our ac-
creditation documents were drawn on the back of nap-
kins.”
What is perhaps most shocking to many is that Ma-
calester, thought to be more than 150 years old, has in fact
only been around since 1995 when the gang decided to
shift their primary front from a Taco Bell on West 7th.
An investigation into those claiming to be alumni revealed
that the gang had bribed, or in some cases intimidated
most of supposed “alumni”.
“Macalester, never heard of the place” said former Vice
President Walter Mondale, “but for 80 bucks and free co-
caine I’ll say pretty much anything.”
Said one supposed alum who wished to remain anon-
ymous, “I’m one of the most respected diplomats in world
history, why would I claim to have gone to some weird
school in Minnesota unless someone was threatening to
break my legs?”
spring.2011 Hegemonocle
Adult partying increasingly affects student body
Crystal bottles strewn throughout the halls. The smell
of piss emanating from the carpet. A Power Ranger action
figure in the microwave. This is what the residents of Wallace
dormitory hall have to wake up to every Saturday and Sun-
day morning, and they claim it’s only getting worse.
“You expect better from them, you really do,” said Katie
Simmons ’13, an economics major. “Some of these people
were alumni, for God’s sake, you would think they would
treat the campus with respect.”
Indeed, it has been a ritual of sorts, starting with the
Great Panty Raid of 1982, for residents of the neighborhood
to come to Macalester College on the weekends to party,
relive their college days, drink excessive amounts of alcohol,
and violently disrupt the students attempting to put those
finishing touches on their
Spanish composition at one
a.m. on a Friday night.
Over the last five years,
however, the students have
noticed a sharp uptick in the
amount of destruction and
the sheer size of the adults
and their children partying
in their halls and, occasion-
ally, in their dorm rooms.
Student President Alan
Trammel elaborated, “I re-
ally think with this economic
depression more and more adults are finding large quanti-
ties of free time and to be honest there’s only so much Mad
Men these people can watch. What we really have to do is
increase awareness around campus. I’ve heard numerous re-
ports of locals dressing up as janitors and then taking off
their costume inside the dorms and removing two flasks full
of whiskey they had strapped to their inner thighs and just
dougie-ing all the way up and down the stairs. I even heard
of a guy hiding his baby under his hat to sneak him in.”
Last year, Macalester filed 12 reports of adults partying
in the dorms, though the real number of parties is rumored
to be up to 20. This year, with the adults reportedly getting a
copy of a D-key made for them, the number has grown to 73
reports through only the first half of the year.
“I played a little basketball Friday night and when I
went to grab a shower around eleven. There was a boom box
playing Remix to Ignition in there and all the showers were
taken and when I went into one of the stalls a little girl called
me a pervert and chased me out of the bathroom,” said Sam
Beckerman ’12, shaking his head in disbelief. “The worst part
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volume4.issue1
[charlie sheen]
was that when I went back to my room two people were
hooking up on my bed so I just watched public television in
the lounge by myself and fell asleep in there.”
Other students agreed that the worst part is when the
adults, and even children, came into the individual dorm
rooms unannounced.
“A little nine-year-old was jumping on my bed and
when I tried to get him down he yelled, ‘yea right four-eyes’
and slapped my glasses right off my face.” RA James Seller
choked up. “And then…and then…then….he took my Silly
Bandz and called me a ‘real fucking disgrace to the institu-
tion of higher education that is Macalester College’.”
Not surprisingly, many of the adults refused to be inter-
viewed for this article. So far, the destruction has totaled over
one hundred thousand
dollars and has included
three broken tables, two
broken lounge chairs,
seven holes punched in
the wall, numerous graf-
fiti taggings, and how-
ever much it costs to
send 6 students to ther-
apy. However, one adult
agreed to give a state-
ment on the condition
of anonymity.
“First and foremost,
adults go real hard every fucking weekend. That’s just the
nature of the game, so haters gonna hate and I’ll just keep
rolling 30 deep and smoking the fattest blunts y’all ever seen.
Secondly, haters gonna hate and if I’ll keep pouring cham-
pagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.
Thirdly, hi haters! I see you! And, my apologies to Dupre 4
for taking a shit in your trash can. But that’s just what hap-
pens when you’re four lokoed up. Oh yea, hi haters!”
President Rosenberg was interviewed to give a rebuttal
to such hateful and ignorant sentiments.
“Yea, it’s a real problem here that we are taking seriously
and are sure to get to the bottom of. It’s a shame that stu-
dents can’t just enjoy themselves on the weekends with some
apples to apples or a quiet game of backgammon. I’m sure,
when confronted, the adults will understand.” Before this re-
porter was ushered out of his office, Rosenberg screamed, “hi
haters!” and appeared to throw up a black power fist before
adding, “Go hard, baby! Go hard!”
spring.2011 Hegemonocle
The Jewish Control Corporation: Quarterly Report
Compiled by Joel Kaplan-Goldmanstein
Shalom and welcome to our Quarterly Report. Let
me just say, you are such a mensch for opening up this here
magazine all the way to look at our little report. But its quite
a report, you’ll see—eh? Miriam, not now, I’m talking to the
mister here. Miriam, your pills are on the counter, over there.
Oy vey. Sorry about that. It’s almost supper time here and
Miriam has to take her pills. Anyways, where was I? Ah yes,
our quarterly report. It’s a very special one, you’ll see. I made
it nice this time, what with the graphs and diagrams, my
grandson Isaac was up all night making those. You should
have seen him, pounding away on that fancy laptop of his.
All the typing and the space-ing and the clicking, ay yay yay,
I could never do that. He’s a genius, that one, going to go to
Harvard, just like his old man.
But I’m getting distracted. You didn’t open this for a chat
and nosh, you wanted to see our quarterly report. Miriam—
MIRIAM, where are my glasses? Yes, I checked on the table.
Yes—yes, they were on my forehead, just like last time. Ah,
that’s better. Would you care for a Dr. Brown’s? I insist. My
daughter-in-law, Ruth, she brings them with her when the
family comes to visit us in Brooklyn every month.
So are we ready to get started, already? I feel like I’ve
aged five years since you started reading. Alright then.
We’ve had a very busy year, you see. Running the world
isn’t as easy as it used to be. What with the Fox News, and the
cable TV, and that schmuck John across the street sticking
his goyim head into everything. But still, we manage.
Let’s see here. Quarter one, quarter two, ah, here we are,
quarter three. July, that was a hot one, that was. Our BP spill
was going right on schedule. Yup, that one’s on us. It was
Avi’s idea. Remember Avi? He was—yes, Miriam, I know
he hasn’t spoken to his mother in two years, an—yes Miriam,
I know. Anyways, around April, Tony skipped out on an
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volume4.issue1
AIPAC dinner to go yacht racing, or some mishugina thing.
And we on the board of the Jewish Control Corporation
decided that he was getting a little too chutzpah for out
tastes. So Avi said, “why don’t be blow up an oil well?” That
will show him who’s boss. Next time Tony Hayward will
think twice before snubbing AIPAC.
Then we had August. This August was the two year
anniversary of the start of the financial crisis. That one you can’t
blame on us. Those big shot banks, Bear Stearns, Goldman
Sachs, Lehman Brothers, those were our guys, for pete’s sake.
We didn’t want them to go under. All we had tried to do
was buy up the rest of the world that we didn’t already own.
A top-secret
meeting of
Illuminati
Jews run-
ning the
world.
Maybe a
nice place in Florida, for when Miriam and I retire. But
then, those crazy goyim banks went and fercockt the whole
thing. It got really hairy for a second there. Fortunately,
Rahm Emmanuel, who controlled the White House at the
time, had our guy Binyamin Bernanke put in charge, and
boy did he save our keister. To big to fail, phooey. We didn’t
want our banks to go down, and we sure as hell weren’t going
to let them.
September has some big events for us. Our annual
meeting of the Jewish Heads of State convened in Tel Aviv.
It’s a big deal. All the Jews who actually run countries meet
to go over policy and swap stories. Rahm Emmanuel of
the United States was there of course, and so was Andrew
Goldstein of England, Manuel Isaiah of Peru, and Rivka
Slotberg of Romania, to name a few. Big name people in the
JCC. This year, they decided to continue spreading the myth
of global warming. When it first came up a few years ago,
a lot of people inside the JCC, myself included, didn’t think
people would fall for it. But did those gentiles ever. I still
can’t believe they actually believe now that human actions are
harming the planet. What a cockamamie thing.
spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

A Letter from Captain Planet

Dear Planeteers,

Look, clearly we’ve got some shit we need to work out. In light of recent events, it has become
obvious that I need to spell out the type of situations that I am prepared to handle. As a starting
point for this let me describe what went down last week from my perspective:

I was chillin’ in my apartment, listening to some cool tunes, eating some cocoa puffs. Suddenly,
I was magically teleported cause you all decided it would be a good idea to put your rings in the
air and say the names of some elements. (And “heart”, wtf is up with that shit? Am I right? Am I
right?) Now, as much as it sucks to unwillingly teleport somewhere, I’ve become used to it. Usual-
ly, I just have to show up for a couple minutes and kick Pauly Polluter’s ass. No big deal. This time,
however, instead of seeing Hoggish Greedly or Looten Plunder, I saw that you summoned me so I
would help you fight THE FUCKING JOKER. The same Joker who murdered the second Robin
by beating him with a fucking crowbar. The same Joker who shot Commissioner Gordon’s daugh-
ter, kidnapped him and had him tortured by circus freaks. The same Joker who stitched a bomb
inside of a crazy person so he could break out of jail. So, yeah, not quite on the same level as the
Pinhead Brothers.

So, there I am, disoriented, in a warehouse surrounded by the joker and his goons. First, Joker
sends his goons at me. Notably, these aren’t the type of henchmen that I’m used to dealing with.
I’m better with thoe ones whose main purpose seems to be getting beat up and setting me up for
puns. No, these goons had knives, chains, and I’m pretty sure one even had a hypodermic needle.
Despite this challenge, I proceeded to do what I do best: kick ass and take names. Although I sus-
tained a number of serious lacerations (and a possible Hepatitis B infection, I’m still looking into
that), I emerged from the scrum victorious. Then, the Joker started laughing. There are some expe-
riences that necessitate superlatives, and this was one of them. That laugh was the creepiest, most
harrowing thing that I have ever heard. It was the sound of fingernails on chalkboard combined
with the ghastly bellowing of a water buffalo in heat. Paralyzed by fear, I could only watch as he
approached me. Soon, we were standing face to face, and he was looking straight into my eyes.
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun. At this point, I literally shit myself, which
is something I’m disclosing for some reason. He then pointed the gun straight at my head, and
pulled the trigger. Out popped a flag that said, “Bang!”. That’s when I got the fuck out of there.

Look, I’m not proud of abandoning you all with the Joker, but what exactly were you expecting
me to do? Dealing with psychotic serial killers doesn’t really play to my skill set. In case there was
any further confusion about situations I’m prepared to deal with, I’m including a chart:

7
spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

8
spring.2011 Hegemonocle
Opinion: Maybe We Should Start A Witch Hunt?
[regenal cleetens]
Hello fellow citizens of Belville. I am Regenal Cleet-
ens, the town hog rasseler. I wish I could be writing this
opinion article under better circumstances (as was the case
when I wrote of the merits of hog rasselin’), but unfortu-
nately these are not times of good cheer. If you’re like me,
you’ve probably noticed some freaky shit going down. The
drinking-well’s been smellin’ funny. Cows be dyin’. Warts
been poppin’ up on folk. Gruffy, the town goat, been lookin
at people funny. Occam’s razor says the simplest answer is
the most accurate answer, and people of Belville, there aint
nothin’ simpler than witches.
Now, I know that the term
“witch-hunt” has some negative
connotations in our society. People
associate it with non-witch perse-
cutions, like Mccarthy and whatnot
(who I nonetheless believe history
will vindicate). What I want to do is
return the term witch-hunt to its na-
tive, true meaning. By witch-hunt,
I mean an organized procedure by
which (pun not intended!) a com-
munity discerns who all be witches,
and proceeds to kill those witches in a ritualistic manner.
Some of you may still have concerns, and I will like to
address them. The most common objection I hear is that
a witch-hunt may mistakenly kill some non-witches. To
this argument, I have several responses:
1. Witch-hunting techniques are increasingly accurate.
There are several modern methods available by which we
can discern who be causin’ warts and whatnot. For ex-
ample, I happen to have bought (for an exuberant amount,
I may add) a witch-smellin’ hog from my hog-retailer. His
name is Squeaky, and I have been assured of his abilities.
Additionally, there are tried and true methods of deter-
mining which (pun intended!) folk be witches, such as
placing them in a box full of rocks and tossing it in the
lake. If the box sinks, they be innocent. If the box sinks,
they be innocent. It’s literally that simple!
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volume4.issue1
2. Even if we do accidentally kill a few innocent maidens
in our quest to expunge our community of the spawn of
Satan, is it not worth it? Sure, perhaps we will go through
ten, fifty innocents max before we kill our first witch. But
how many warts would that witch have caused had we let
it live? I, for one, do not want to find out. As the expres-
sion goes, you have to kill a few squirrels to make a squir-
rel omelet.
People of Belville, there are times when history asks
men to do extraordinary things. This
is one of those times. The work will
be hard, but future generations will
look back and say, “Thank god they
done killed all those witches”. With
that, I would like to conclude with
a list of people who I believe are es-
pecially deserving of being witch-
hunted:
• Sally LaFague: Everyone knows
about Sally’s lazy eye. Lazy eye’s are
weird, and so are witches. Enough
said. Also, she’s a member of Mothers Against Drunk
Driving, which is down-right anti-American (My grampa
didn’t kill 50 Britishmen so I would have to wait till I got
home to drink my whiskey, God-Dammit!) Witches al-
ways be those anti-American types.
• Susan McConnely: Susan be knowin’ about arithmetic
and other fancy stuff like reading and writin’. Sounds like
a witch to me!
• Jenny Margerette: Jenny’s got that big ol’ wart. In that
police business, that’s what they call “probable cause”.
• Zerlinda the Green: Somethin’ just seems off about this
one, but I can’t quite put my finger on it…
Well, let’s get to it. My witch-dar (like gaydar or radar,
but for witches) is goin’ crazy!
spring.2011 Hegemonocle
Macalester goes green as shit
[kermit the frog]
In a move that many are calling “what the fuck!?”
and “get that goddamn tape recorder out of my face,”
Macalester College announced last Friday that it in-
tends to go entirely green by the end of March 2011.
The announcement came as a shock to many Ma-
calester students.
“I think you have your facts wrong,” commented
Alphonse Fibula, ’12. “There’s absolutely no fucking
way that Macalester said that.” He went on to provide
his musings on the impact that a college like Macalester
has on global climate change, and the steps that the col-
lege will have to take to ensure that it
has the tools and funding necessary to
become a fully self-sustained Earth-
ship in just less than two months. “Are
you even a real journalist?”
Other students claimed that they
saw this coming as the logical next
step after the college received a LEED
‘Platinum’ rating on the new Markim
Hall.
Said senior Joyce Mandible,
“Come on, where’s the camera? [I am
in full support of the greening of the
Macalester College campus by the end
of March, 2011.] This must be a lame
attempt at one of those TV prank shows, right?”
This sentiment was echoed by freshman Tim Clav-
icle who added, “I don’t believe you. I mean, if it’s true
then wow, more power to them. But I don’t believe
Macalester would undertake something so ill-advised,
especially with the renovation of the fine arts complex
just underway. [Three cheers for sustainability!]”
Aspects of the plan to take Macalester off of the
utilities grid include fixing the existing wind turbine (so
that it actually provides power) and installing 30 similar
ones on what is now the football field, as well as com-
pletely razing the Campus Center to make room for
a giant water reservoir. While these are without doubt
the most controversial steps in the plan, what has been
the most talked about on campus has been the decision
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to literally color all of the remaining campus buildings
green with a new variety of moss displaying startling
photoelectrical capabilities that has been developed
collaboratively between the biology and physics depart-
ments, with help from an outside consultant at NASA.
This wonder-plant is expected to provide 87% of the
campus’ power in the summertime.
“I’ve never heard of such a thing,” declared Profes-
sor Ralph Cranium, head of the Physics Department. “I
think you just made it up.”
Enthusiasm for the project is not restricted to
members of the Macalester community.
Noted environmentalist and U2 front man
Bono gushed that, “How did you get this
number? I’ve…heard of Macalester college
and…give a fuck about [the fact that]…
they are…saving…[the] environment.”
Former Vice President Al Gore’s office
sent a speedy reply when asked for com-
ment: “This is an automated email reply to
inform you that Mr. Gore is out of the of-
fice for the weekend [celebrating in honor
of Macalester College].”
Though Macalester College President
Rosencrantz has declined to make any of-
ficial statement, holding off until the press
conference arranged for next Thursday, he offered a few
thoughts off the record. “What the damn are you do-
ing in my living room? Get out of here or I’ll call the
cops!”
While popular opinion varies among the campus
population about the new vow for Macalester to go
green by April 2011, the one thing that cannot be de-
nied is that change is in the air. As my arresting officer
said from his seat in the front of the squad car, “How
are you still conscious? This is the most I’ve ever tazed
anyone in my life.”
spring.2011 Hegemonocle
A modest interview in Brian Rosenberg’s modest house
[terrence howard]
The following inter-
view was found transcribed
in lipstick on a dish towel
stuffed behind a radiator
in The Mac Weekly office
last night. It seems some
intrepid young reporter in
the 1950s, or perhaps more
recently than one week ago,
discarded the article in a
state of intense frustration
after not being able to spell
the word ‘dyslexia.’ We at
the Hegemonocle would
like to assure our readers
that the article’s facts have been checked, verified, copied
faithfully to the original document, and then shamelessly
embellished upon to the point that what appears below is
now almost entirely a work of fiction. We hope that you en-
joy it immensely and we all learn a little something about
human nature.
Well, well, my darling readers of this our campus
newspaper: The Mac Weekly – the time has come once
more for me to talk to someone and tell you how they
responded. This week I have had the honor, privilege and
good fortune to interview our school’s President and
Shepherd in this great time of many disturbances in the
Force, Brian Rosenberg. I entered our interviewee’s liv-
ing room at precisely 10pm on a Thursday to find him
practicing his waltzing skills with a very beautiful mop.
As I broke the window, he screamed and brandished
his dance partner like a weapon, before recognizing me
and instantly relaxing to the point that he only fumbled
anxiously in his pocket trying to find his cellular phone.
This is where our interview began…
Brian Rosenberg: What the Dickens!?
The Mac Weekly: Oh, Brian. Ha ha. Ha. Answer my
questions.
BR: I’ll call the police!
TMW: I am the police.
BR: Well thank goodness you’re here! Someone just
broke into my house and tried to interview me.
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TMW: Damn straight. So Bri-Ro, tell me what it feels
like to rule over this great land of Macalester.
BR: Well kiddo, first off I’d like to start by kicking you
in the face…[He kicked me in the face.] Then I’d like
you never to call me Bri-Ro ever again. And please leave
my house.
TMW: Quite so. Now tell me Brosenberg, when did
you know that you wanted to be a benevolent dictator?
Was it when you were an infant, or sometime before
that?
BR: I’m not a dictator, I’m the President of your col-
lege. If you insist on questioning me, I’d appreciate a bit
more professionalism, if you don’t mind.
TMW: Not at all, not at all, Brian. So ‘President’ Rosen-
berg, if that is in fact your real name, why Macalester
College?
BR: Now there’s a question I can actually answer. You
see, Macalester, to me, represents a world of potential.
Potential for more environmental friendliness, poten-
tial for our students to succeed in whatever they put
their minds to, electrical potential…
[At this point President Rosenberg launched into a
long, poetic soliloquy that frankly put me to sleep. I de-
cided to get right down to the nitty-gritty…]
TMW: OK, that sucked. New question: why is there so
much Kofi Annan paraphernalia all over campus? Why
not some other alum, like Peter Berg?
BR: Who’s that?
TMW: You know, the guy who directed Hancock.
BR: Dude, Kofi was the Secretary-General of the Unit-
ed Nations. That’s so much cooler than directing some
movie with Will Smith in it.
TMW: See what I mean? It’s like the school is just a
front for the Cult of Kofi, or something.
BR: What? That’s silly. What a silly idea. What?
TMW: Aha! You’re getting nervous. Spill it, Bro.
BR: Well, my first experience with Kofi Annan was as
a young boy of 32. It was just like in the movies – I was
out for a drive on the icy roads, when I rolled my car
into a ditch. My arm was pinned, so I couldn’t get out.
Worse, I was starting to smell smoke. I thought, ‘this’ll
be the day that I die…’ [Here, he broke out into a cho-
rus of Don McLean’s “American Pie”. It was a beautiful
rendition that left all of the eyes in the house moist.]
spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

TMW: Bravo! Encore!

BR: Don’t interrupt. So I was sitting there ponder-
ing my fate, when I saw headlights coming seem-
ingly from all around me. I heard a car door slam
and looked up into the eyes of my savior.
TMW: Kofi Annan?
BR: Shut up. I didn’t recognize him at first, but I
later learned that it had been none other than the
great Kofi Annan.
TMW: Like I said, right…?
BR: Shut up! Well, I decided then and there that
I would become a benevolent dictator at whatever
college Kofi Annan had attended, even if it was
Macalester College. And so it is.
TMW: That was beautiful. Now answer my next
question. How many roads must a man walk down
before you can…
BR: No more questions. I invoke the power of
Kofi!
TMW: The what? [The entire house started shak-
ing. I had to steady myself with a mop, as I cast my
eyes around trying to determine what kind of foul
play was afoot. Suddenly, one wall exploded into
brick dust, and a figure with glowing blue and or-
ange eyes stood outlined in the gap.]
Kofi Annan: Hey Bri-Ro. For what reason do you
summon my power?
TMW: Holy mother of all that is holy! Can I get an
interview with you Kofi? When did you realize that
you could become a Super Saiyan?
BR: Thank Kofi you’re here, Kofi! Want to do some-
thing about this guy?
KA: Sure thing. Then maybe we can go out for
drinks and discuss world domination and/or the
next Macalester monument to my greatness.
BR: Sounds good, Kofi. Sounds real good.
TMW: .....

I woke up three hours later naked in the bushes

under the UN flag pole in the center of campus. To
this day, I’m unsure of what happened in those few
hours, but I do know that one should not question
Macalester College’s devotion to our most kind and
generous protector, Kofi Annan. Seriously – just
don’t do it. Failure to cooperate may lead to vomit-
ing, nausea and dislecsiya… disslaxiuh… dyslexai-
ua… Fuck it.
12
spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

A History of Playground Violence[GYIC, Television 12]

John B.: Hi, I’m John Blarmensag and it’s good to be out
of a cage. Tonight, I have a very special report on two new
employees at Washington Elementary. Tony Esposito and
Jake Mancini are playground attendants at Washington El-
ementary School. They spend their afternoons keeping the
kids safe and making sure everyone plays nice. The two are
performing community service for a string of robberies and
cop-killings in 2007. I followed the two around for day to
see how they are adjusting to life at the Elementary.
Tony: “Get a load a this one! Wise guy
thinks he can climb up the slide.”
Jake: “Boss, he don’t know the rules.”
Tony: “He doesn’t know the rules?! And
what bird sang you that?”
Jake: “Joey was saying that the kid’s a
new guy”
Tony: “Joey?!...That Joey with the funky
eyes?! Kid isn’t even 7 years old and he
thinks he’s big enough to be in third
grade.
Jake: “Joey’s a reasonable guy”
Tony: “Whatever you fuckin say......
Hey you!!! Yeah you. No, not you with
the Cosby Christmas sweater. You! Not
with the fuckin parachute pants. You. Get the fuck outta
here fuckin Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Yeah, you, with
the dumb hat. Yeah, do you know, that slides go down, not
up.”
Kid: “Yeah”
Tony: “So next time you get the genius idea to go up the
slide, use this little pneumonic, “down good, up dumbass.”
Tony: “Oh fuck. Okay. We’ll go in slow. Don’t you fucking
looking at him, you hear me?”
Jake: “Yeah boss. I hear ya.”
Approaching Timmy
Tony: “Hey there... Timmy! How ya doin? How’s ya moth-
er? She doin okay?”
Timmy is eating wood chips
Tony: “You’re looking good! Keeping in
shape definitely!”
Tony kicks Arnie off of the wood chip pile
Tony: “Well Timmy, a pleasure as always!
We’ll be talking. Say hi to your mother
for me.”
Moving across the playground
Jake: “Hey boss, they tradin sillys over
by the basketball hoops. They don’t even
have the right papers”
Tony: “Mother fucker!”
Moving towards the basketball hoops
Jake: “Alright boys the jig is up!”
The kids scatter, dropping their silly bandz

Kid runs away crying Tony: “Fuck!!”

Jake: “Check this out boss, they got some M. Night Shya-
Jake: “Don’t ya think you’re being a little harsh on ‘em?” malan ones. Some hard shit.”
Tony: “The little fuck’s gotta understand how it works Tony: “Don’t touch it. You’ll get hooked with a single trip.
around here. Hey kid! With the fuckin mom jeans. No,
This is fuckin disgusting. Hey Arnie! Arnie! Get this the
not Donald Trump. The one..... Yeah, right, like I’m talkin
fuck outta my sight!”
to you C-3PO. You! Yeah! You trying swing to the fuckin
moon?!”
Back to the News Report
Kid: “Um, uh, no”
Tony: “Well then slow down or I’ll chop your legs off.”
Jessica Lurmskagger: Wow John, that’s really something.
Turning towards the play structure
John B.: Um... yes... I suppose it is. That’s all we have for
Jake: “Not to be the bearer of bad news boss, but Arnie’s tonight folks. Stay tuned next week for a report on fluid
getting near Timmy’s wood chips.” dynamics and spotted wrens. Until then, please save me,
they put me in cages, and have a wonderful night.
13
Spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

My parents divorce IS my fault

[timmy chamberlain]

So by now you’re probably wondering; but Hot Tim-

my (everyone calls me that), what was the final straw?
What tipped your p-rents over the edge? First, I would
say that ‘s very a good question. Second, I would tell you
that is when I interrupted passionate, even some-what
violent make-up sex, saying that there was a monster
in my room. And that monster came back every damn
night too.
So let this be a lesson to you kids. Don’t wait for your
parents to split, be proactive, make it happen. Your toy
and ice cream intake more than triples and you know
you got the upper hand when they sit you down and
tell you “it’s not your fault”. Cause it is and be damn
My bad self
proud of it.
Oh hey, didn’t see you there, come on in. I see you’re
admiring my sweet toys. You see this truck? See how Keep yo kid hand strong.
shiny it is? Daddy gave it to me for my second Christ-
mas. Thats right, I said second Christmas. And you see Timmy Out.
these Power Ranger shoes that light up when I walk?
Mommy gave that for first Christmas. I’m just rolling in
toys. I mean, I practically shit toys. How did I get here?
Let me spell it out for you illiterate fools: divorce.
It all started last year. We just had a family meeting,
and Daddy said he is moving out of the house. And all
I have to say, I’m pretty goddam proud of myself. Five
and half years of hard work finally paid off. I mean, it’s
not like my parent’s strong loving and loyal bond would
have been broken by any child.
Not to say it wasn’t hard. You know how much of
that disgusting ass baby food I had to eat to fill those
diapers? And thats not even counting the coins and
plastic I swallowed when they were trying to have a nice
night’s sleep after a long day of work. Not in my house.
We’re going to the emergency room at 2 a.m. instead.
All according to plan.
I’m still hoarse from all that wailing I did. Those
chumps had me screaming in their ears like a banshee
round the clock. 24/7. They couldn’t even think about
how they enjoyed each other’s company or that one
wonderful night in Vermont, because I was making One of my bomb-ass toys
their eardrums bleed.

14
spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

A Letter to Nerds

15
spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

16
spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume 4.issue1

More than a quarter of Macalester students think

President Rosenberg is a Muslim.
[jane goodall]

A recent survey conducted by an anonymous stu- so why do we have the flags of Muslim countries on the
dent group (Probably MESA) produced the shocking wall of our field house? Doesn’t he have any respect for
revelation that more than a quarter of Macalester stu- the flags in the old athletic center that was demolished
dents are pretty sure that President Brian Rosenberg for it to be built? I am fine with acknowledging the
is a practicing Muslim. With all of the anti Muslim existence of Muslim countries not there. (Editors note:
sentiment in our society today this has been quite a we are pretty sure he actually is not ok with Muslims
shock to the campus. existing anywhere.) Also how is the school spending
Some students were confused about his name. hundreds of thousands of dollars designing the mosaic
“I always just called him PBR… I thought that it flags when organizations like the Hegemonicle re-
stood for Pabdul ceive less than
Bahir Ruwafy, I 100 dollars to
am actually pretty buy Cheetos
shocked that I with??? Where
have had it wrong is the money
all there years” Ex- coming from?
plained Macales- Al Qaeda
ter student Porky that’s probably
Magdalene. where.”
“Isn’t the While we
syllable –berg cannot com-
common in Mus- ment on the this
lim names?” issue we would
Asked Macales- like to clear
ter student Feivel up one thing:
Goldblattstein- President Brian
witz. Rosenberg is
However not not a polyga-
all of the confu- mist. Although
sion had to do with his name. it is common to see him bringing young women back
Geology Major Liz Lymon recalled, “My fresh- to his house at all hours of the night these women are
man year he allowed some student to recite that thing not his wives.
we always say at the end school gatherings in Farsi, In other news the number of students who think
that’s pretty much the same language as Arabic.” President Brian Rosenberg is “heteronormative”
Some students are also confused about why he al- dropped to its lowest level in six years.
lowed the flags of some predominantly Muslim coun-
tries to don the walls of the new field house. Macal-
ester student Glenn Rushity explained his confusion
this way “Macalester is a Presbyterian affiliated school

17
spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

Listless lists
[inee dorder]

Reasons Why You’re Getting Things You Do When You

Kicked Out of the Dorms Should Have Been Studying
• That girl from down the hall
• Skinned a dear in the bathroom • Making a life size statue of John
• Cuddle session with RA went terribly Stamos out of Flaming Hot Cheetos
wrong • Facebook stalking your parents
• Refused to turn down Alanis • Acquiring +2 experience points
Morrisette’s “Ironic” after quiet • Renewing your vows to Jesus
hours • Begging on the street to fund
• Mother still lives with you tuition
• Forget that clothing is not optional • Eating your life size statue of
• People not with you using the floor John Statue made out of Flaming Hot
lounge to host the cock fight matches Cheetos
• You smell like 10k after a sweaty • Dying from eating 20 pounds of
freshman rave perfectly sculpted, beautiful Flaming
• Don’t turn off the volume when Hot Stamos Cheetos
watching porn • Reading the Hegemonocle
• Your alarm is Ke$ha’s Tik Tok • Masturbating to the Hegemonocle
• Dupre 3 fight club exactly like movie
fight club Things to Include in the New Art
• Pooped in the elevator Building
• LARPing in the hallways • Rancor Pit
• A massive marble statute of Brian
Rosenberg riding nude on a platinum
Country Flags Not Hanging in the pegasus
Campus Center • Alchemy Lab
• Giant TV screen that gives useless
• The Former Revolutionary Soviet
information to complement one in CC
Democratic Republic State Formerly
• Archery Range
Known as hatever country Fez from “That
• Padded psychiatric ward per
70s Show” is from
request of MacGOP
• Candyland
• A expansive storage area to
• Pangea
accommodate Laurie Hamrie’s ego
• Translyvania
• Planet of the Apes Reasons Why I Love Grandma
• Prussia
• Her stories about wars that
• Wonderland
didn’t happen
• Slavislavia
• Great tits
• Flatland
• Farting when she walks by
• Latveria (Education is not one of
• Extra skin=extra fun
Doom’s policies)
• Telling me to get a job every two
• Kokomo
days
• A flag that adequately represents the
• Her racism
awesomeness of America
• She lets me wear her hot pink
• Tatooine/ Texas
velour sweatsuits
• She puts the “rock” in that
rocking chair
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spring.2011 Hegemonocle volume4.issue1

Virgin at Macalester Part II: The Dates

Doty 5, Virgin Isles- So it’s me, the Virgin. Yep, I’m
back. Still a virgin, still frustrated and still bell-less. And let
me tell you, the bell seems to be getting farther and farther
away, and it’s not because my lack of sex has lead to osteo-
porosis.
I’ve been getting to know the guys at this school a little
better, and my options are getting more and more dismal.
Those available guys out there? Yeah. Good luck. I really
don’t understand the admissions office, it’s like they wanted
a sexless campus or something. Why would you want a sex-
less campus? Pretty much everyone on campus is legal and
you know we get enough sex education before we come here.
I know how to defend myself against a Sexually Aggressive
Male. You don’t have to worry about it. I want to be having
sex out here! I’m telling you, it’s a conspiracy. Im on to you,
admissions people.
You know what’s interesting? For some inexplicable
reason, I have been asked out on multiple dates since the
Hegemonocle came out. It’s funny—I can’t get a date at all
and then this article comes out and it’s like I’m Meghan Fox
or Justin Beiber or something—everybody wants a piece!.
room? The guy, naked, standing in the middle of my room,
holding a ferret over his… well, I think you know where.
When he saw me come in, he solemnly held the ferret out to
me and said “I give you my consent in the form of the Holy
Consent Ferret. Consent is ferret is Mac.” I kicked him out.
Without his clothes.
What’s the point of this article? THERE IS NO
HOPE. Girls, please just go to Saint Thomas if you want
to get some.
Actually wait… there was this one date that was super
fun. We went out to a movie, a chick flick even, and then to
dinner. We had a great conversation about Gossip Girl and
how Chuck and Blair are about the cutest couple ever and
how Serena is a skank. Then he advised me on what clothes
to wear to make me look skinnier. The date ended there, but
we’re going shopping together next weekend!

Let me just tell you about some of the dates I’ve been
on. Oh, yeah, they were great. Not. I went out with one guy
who had fake Spock ears. Then there was that guy who took
me to Café Mac for dinner and offered to “pay for me.” Oh,
and let’s not forget the guy who is building a light saber as a
side project and told me that if it works he’s going to move
to Tatooine, so we couldn’t have a serious relationship. And
those were just the normal ones.

I did have one good date. There was a candlelit dinner,

romantic music, everything you see in the movies. He was
even a good kisser! I decided to invite him back to my room.
I left the room for two seconds to tell my roommate not
to come in, and guess what I found when I got back to my

The bell I so desperately long to ring.

This really should be Macalester’s new

seal. At least for me.

19