THORN IN MY FLESH

Thorn In My Flesh
SASA’S STORY
LONDI SUTIC
4/27/2017

Copyright - 2017 by Londi Sutic. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means including photocopying, recording or other
electronic or mechanical methods without prior written permission of the publisher except in the case
of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by
copyright law. ISBN 9 780620 747707
1|Page
2|Page

Chapter 1 – Sasa’s Story

I knew I was a coward for going ahead with what I was about to do but I couldn’t
carry on with this life anymore. I was exhausted. I could not carry on with this
shameful existence. My children were better off without me. I had too much
baggage. I had made sure that they would be taken care of, at least for a couple
of years.

The poison I had bought two months ago was lethal enough to end it in less than
ten minutes. At least that is what I was told by the man I bought it from. I could
bear ten minutes of pain but I could not carry a lifetime of burden and self-hatred.
I could not do it anymore. As tears flowed through my eyes, I wrote the final
paragraph of my book to my children and placed it between my folded clothing in
the wardrobe. This way I knew my mother would find it when she packed my
clothes away when I was gone. Before I closed my eyes and took a long sip of the
concoction that would finally set me free.

“Please forgive me Lord but I need to leave this earth now,” I said as the tears
cascaded down my face.

I immediately felt my temperature rise. My ears popped and I could not hear
anything. The pain was excruciating. I could feel all parts of my body cry out in
torment. I welcomed the harrowing feeling because it would not be too long till I
would be at peace.

I reached for my cellphone at some point. I thought maybe I could reverse what I
had done by calling for help. The pain was unbearable but just as I did so, the pain
stopped. ‘I wished that I had given the two of you a kiss and one last hug. I just
could not face you knowing what I had planned’, I thought to myself looking at
the framed picture of my children on my bedside. I could feel nothing but peace
3|Page

at that moment. I gasped uncontrollably as I took my last breath. I could see

death staring me in the face. I felt my spirit leave my body and I actually saw my
own body lying in bed… lifeless. I knew then that I was finally on my journey to
another world. I knew not what awaited me but all I knew was that my life on this
earth was over. Goodbye my angels…

After my funeral, my mother started going through my stuff with intentions of

giving some away and keeping some for memory. I did not have much but I had
lots of clothing, shoes, jewellery and handbags. I had also left a lot of money in
one of my handbags. It was twenty seven thousand rand to be precise. In there
was everything I had saved because I knew the day when I would take my own life
would come. I had withdrawn the money and kept it for my mother to find
because I did not want her to struggle with endless paperwork. I wanted the
money to be readily available. I hoped it would somehow lessen the burden on
her for a while. I also had a policy that I had taken out for them. It would surely
see them through school. In the same handbag, I had left all the documents they
would need to claim the funds.

My mother found the diary in which I had scribbled my life journey. She opened it
with tears in her eyes and started reading.

She first opened this letter that I had kept in an envelope on the first page of the
journal. It read as follows:

Dear Ma

I want to apologize for causing you so much pain. I know I took the easy way out
but this was the only way that I could finally find peace. I could not explain to you
and everybody who cared why I decided to commit suicide on a little note. There
was just too much to tell, so I decided to tell my whole story in this book. I know
that it will not justify what I did but it will at least shed some light on why I took
4|Page

this decision. I pray that you will share this with my children when they are old
enough to understand. I trust your judgment on that. Please do not give it to them
before they are ready, it would just be a big burden on them. I hope that the Lord
will keep you long enough. They can decide when they are old enough to share it
with other people as well if they are comfortable with that. Maybe then I would
have done some good for somebody and my life would have served a purpose. If
someone can read my story and find answers in it, I would have finally been able
to save someone else, even if it is from beyond the grave.

I have revealed things in this book that will shock them and they will shock you. I
have written also about the journey I shared with you. Only you and I know the
true value of the hardships we soldiered through together. I have been very
detailed about those too but I do not want you to feel like you failed me because
of the things that happened. I had a choice. I had the choice to rise above my
circumstances but I took the wrong way. I mostly chose the easy way out just like I
have done at the end of my life. I love you ma. I love my children too.

I don’t know what will happen to my spirit because of the choices I made but just
know that wherever I am, I will always look out for the three of you.

I should have chosen God just like you always begged me to. I pray that it is not
too late. On my last days on earth, you explained to me about the significance of
the cross. You told me about Jesus. You told me about God’s grace. I pray that it
will locate me.

Do not despair. Please do not make the same mistakes that I have by succumbing
to this world’s evil nature. Carry on trusting in God. Let your faith carry you
through. I am sorry ma. Please pray for me.

I will see you again on the other side. Till we meet again.

All my love
5|Page

Samkelisiwe

My mother wept and then took the book with her to the lounge. She kept it on
her chest, close to her heart the whole way. When she got to the lounge she sat
comfortably and opened it. She started reading…

I was only fifteen years old. We had been moving from house to house ever since
I could remember because we had no place to call home. We lived with my
mother’s friends and when they would get tired of us invading their space we
would move to yet another friend and when they got tired we would move in
with a relative. It was an endless cycle, a tiring one at that. I can’t remember how
many times I had to change schools because when all was good we would be
promised stability and then my mother would look for a school close by thinking
that we had settled but after a while issues would arise and then we would have
to move again.

I remember one particular day when my mother’s good friend Cebile with whom
we had been staying with started accusing my mother of sleeping with her
boyfriend uncle Sizwe. The fight blew up and got so bad that the neighbors had to
call the police. Needless to say she threw us out. She threw both our clothes out
onto the dusty streets. Those clothes were all we had. I remember her next door
neighbor bringing us black bags so that at least we could carry the clothes. She did
not offer us a place to sleep. I guess she thought my mother would do the same
to her like what she had allegedly done to her friend Cebile because she was
married. I sobbed and hit my mother’s chest demanding to know why she had
done such a horrible thing when aunt Cebile had took us in and fed us for so long.
My mother turned to me and slapped me so hard I stopped crying.

I came back to my senses. I had only done that out of frustration because I knew
that she did not have another plan. We were out on the street in the middle of a
6|Page

cold winter night. Deep down I knew she was not guilty of what her friend had
accused her of but I needed an outlet for this built in anger that was just brewing
inside. I had settled in and I had made friends. My school marks had started to
improve but yet again the comfort was ripped from right under our feet.

I had gotten used to this. Whenever the person we were staying with got tired of
us, drama would unfold. It was not because my mother had done anything but
because they did not have enough courage to just ask us politely to leave. I was
always able to tell when we had overstayed our welcome and I knew my mother
could too because she would start reassuring me and telling me that we would be
alright but she would fail to plan for our next move on time. We always had to be
disgraced into leaving. That night was no different.

On that particular night when we had been kicked out of aunt Cebile’s house, I
could tell that my mother had run out of options. We had nowhere to go. We had
no money, no food and no shelter. All we had were the clothes in the black plastic
bags we were carrying and the clothes on our backs. I was always frightened
when we had to move but I always knew that we would find somewhere to lay
our heads but there was something about the look on my mother’s face this time.
She looked hopeless, panicked… I knew we had nowhere to go this time around.
We started walking down the street. I don’t think she knew where we were
walking to. I was scared. I tried to be brave for her sake but I was shaking. Not
only out of fear but because of the icy winter breeze that struck my exposed
body. I was wearing an old pair of tracksuits, worn out socks and flip flops. My
mother was in a denim skirt and a jersey. Her feet were exposed to the cold air
because she was wearing sandals not because she was trying to be sexy but
because that was the only pair of shoes she owned. You see, she had never
known her real parents. She was adopted by a family that later also abandoned
her. I always knew that because we looked different from everybody else in that
family. I looked just like my mother. I had her fair complexion, big hazel eyes and
a strange texture of hair.
7|Page

At the time there were no cellphones so we could not even call someone for help.

We walked until I could not walk anymore. I was frozen and hungry. My mother
would stop and try to warm me up by rubbing her hands all over my body but that
would not help much. She also did not know what to do.

That night we slept under the stairs of a stadium that was located a few
kilometers from aunt Cebisile’s house. We slept on top of our clothes and covered
ourselves with the rest. We even used the black bags to cover ourselves in an
effort to trap in the heat. I have never been so cold in my life.

My mother covered me with her own body all night. I could not imagine how cold
she was feeling. There was not that much of her to cover me with in any case. She
had quite a small frame.

That was the first time I saw my mother cry uncontrollably. I would see tears in
her eyes from time to time but I had never seen her really cry. Her hazel eyes
glistened with tears all night. I would wipe away the tears from her face in an
effort to comfort her.

I think that broke her heart even more…

8|Page

Chapter 2 – Sasa’s Story

I never really slept because I was so cold but a few times I would dose off and
then wake up to the warmth of my mother’s tears dropping on my face. As
strange as it might sound, the warmth of her tears was comforting. It made me
feel that at least there was still life in her. She was still there, I was not alone. I
knew that my mother loved me and she would do anything for me. Her being
there with me was assurance enough that we would be okay. I could feel her
losing hope though. I felt her pain and I knew that she was feeling like a failure
because she was unable to provide me with the most basic of needs and I wanted
her to know that I did not consider her as a failure. I wanted to comfort her as
much as she was comforting me so I started telling funny stories from school. At
first she didn’t laugh but I persisted. I carried on telling the stories until I felt her
smile against my cheek. I can never describe the gratification I felt at that
moment. There was something about that night, the raw emotions between my
mother and I. Nobody can ever take that away from me. I know that a lot of
people see the expression of pain as a form of weakness and they shy away from
talking about pain because it is seen as a sign of negativity but through pain you
get to experience the deepest emotions. Through pain you get the most
important lessons which bring about wisdom. Through pain you get to feel raw
and unconditional love. Pain is the catalyst of most things genuine. The deeper
understanding that is instilled in one after moments of pain cannot be tagged or
labeled. Only survivors of pain would understand what I am talking about.

There is something that happened inside me that night. I cannot express it in

words but I will try to put it into perspective. I got to understand the primary need
for survival in all human beings that night. That primary need is love.

My mother and I were trying to catch some sleep out in the open on a cold winter
night. We were hungry and hopeless.
9|Page

I still had my pride. At least I had school as a distraction. I felt sorry for my mother
who had nothing. I knew she had no plan on top of everything she had no money
but something inside told me it would be okay.

I blended in with the crowd and made my way to school.

I immediately found the lady that sold fat cakes when I got to school and bought
two. I was starving but after I had one I was fine. I kept the other one for later.

At school I found it challenging to just blend in. I avoided standing out for any
reason in fear of being targeted as the point of ridicule. Teenagers could be very
cruel. I knew that my poverty would be my downfall. Somehow stupidity and
lacking in possessions were seen as the same thing so I always kept my struggles
to myself. None of my friends at school knew where I lived and I never really
shared my domestic issues with anybody including teachers because I did not
want to be that child who was a charity case. Somehow they assumed that I was
from a normal family and I lived a regular life. I maintained that image at every
school I attended. I was never part of the popular groups but I also avoided the
nerds. I kept friends that were just regular. That was a very well calculated
decision. I could navigate my way through school life because I was very
observant and I knew how to place myself strategically to avoid being in the
limelight but somehow I would stand out anyway. I could not quite put my finger
on it. I was wise beyond my years because of all the hardships I had endured I
guess. It sometimes worked in my favour but at times I really wished that I lived
with blinders over my eyes. I felt that ignorance was really sometimes bliss.

I could come across as very intense or very deep and I felt that was burdensome.
All I wanted was to be a normal teenager.

That day I had my lunch in a cubicle inside the school toilets. My lunch was half of
my fat cake from that morning. It was just to keep my energy levels up. I wanted
to keep the other half for my mom because I was not sure if she had anything to
eat that day.
10 | P a g e

I came out of the toilet holding my pink and purple water bottle that was saved
from the cross fire because it had been in my school bag. My friends were seated
at our usual spot and they asked if I was not having any lunch. I told them I was
detoxing and following a strict diet. They believed me. They had no reason not to.
I sat next to them looking very content with my drink which I had said was a
health shake when it was actually just water. One girl in particular had a burger in
her lunchbox, I was drooling as I watched her eat and my stomach rumbled with
hunger but I had to just grin and bear it. I could not remember the last time I had
a burger. That to me was a luxury.

After school I looked for my mother by the gate but she was not there. I stayed
until almost everybody was gone. Only a few students who sat around in a group
discussing something were still there. I walked up to them at some point and
asked for the time. They told me that it was five o’clock. I started to get really
impatient and worried. If my mother did not come then we would lose each
other. I would not know where to go or where to find her. I doubted that she
would still be at the stadium. A lot of thoughts crossed my mind. I mostly hoped
that she was okay. What if she got hurt or ran into someone who had taken
advantage of her. What if she was not coming for me? What would I do? That
thought did cross my mind. The group dispersed but before they all left I asked on
more guy for the time. He said that it was ten minutes past six.

Where was my mother?

11 | P a g e

Chapter 3 – Sasa’s Story

After waiting for one more hour, it became clear to me that my mother was not
coming for me. I did not know what to do or where to go. The temperature had
dropped quite a lot and I was beginning to get very cold. All I had to keep me
warm was my school jersey. It was also not helping much. I thought if I left then
my mother would not be able to find me if she came looking for me. I doubted
she would. Something must have gone wrong. She would never just abandon me.
I decided to walk back to the stadium. A bit of movement would surely help to
keep warm and maybe by some luck she would be there.

I walked in agony. My heart was breaking. I was alone and there was no sign of
my mother. I did not know what to do. Finally I reached the stadium and there
was no sign of her. The small space under the stairs where we had slept was
empty. Even our clothes were nowhere in sight. I did not even have anything to
cover myself with this time around. I started crying and cried out to God for help.
Nothing happened. I had homework so I sat down on the grass and lay my books
down on the concrete floor and started doing my homework. At first I could not
focus but as I continued, I got lost in my school work. When I was done, I put all
my books back inside my bag and sat on top of it. I put it right next to the wall on
the corner and curled up into a ball. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not
get warm. I was freezing. Tears just rolled down my eyes. It then sunk in that I was
alone. I took out half of the fat cake I had bought at school earlier. I had kept it for
my mom but I was too hungry so I took a small piece and kept the rest for later. I
had no idea what time it was but I knew it would be a long night.

I continued to shiver but stayed in one place. It would not help me much to stay
there, I was not going to survive the night. I started to think about warmer places
12 | P a g e

where I could go. I even considered going back to aunt Cebile’s house to beg her
for a place to sleep just for the night but then I heard a voice calling out.

I sat up, immediately feeling some sense of relief. Someone was calling my name.
It was not my mother but it was a female voice. As I listened closely fearing that I
might be imagining things, a lady walked up to me. She was a big lady, a lot older
than my mother. My mom was only thirty four years old at the time. She had me
at a young age. This lady looked at least fifty years old. She had a small blanket
around her waist. I sat there looking at her not knowing how to react. She came
closer and said, “You must be Samkelisiwe. Your mother said I might find you
here”.

The tears just continued rolling down my face. I did not know if they had become
tears of joy or relief.

“Yes, my name is Samkelisiwe. Do you know where my mother is?” – Me

“Oh my child… You must be so cold,” she said as she took off the small blanket
from around her waist and covered me from around my shoulders.

“Yes your mother is at my place. She is not feeling very well. My son went looking
for you at the school and I came here. Your mother told us to look at those two
places for you” – Lady

She started wiping the tears from my face with the palm of her hand.

“Thank you for coming to get me but is my mother hurt?” – Me

13 | P a g e

“No, she is fine now. She came to my neighbour’s house looking for a job and
place to stay but she did not look so well. I think she was too hungry and tired.
She told me your story so I offered a room at my house for a few days, just until
you are sorted” – Lady

“Thank you so much. Thank you for your kindness” – Me

“It is nothing really but we have to get going. It is late and unsafe here. I’m sure
you are also very hungry” –Lady

We walked for quite a while until we reached a house that was neatly painted in a
peach colour. The house was very neat inside even though it was cluttered by
furniture. The lady pointed me to one of the bedrooms down the small passage.

“Your mother is in there. I’m sure she will be very happy to see you” – Lady

I went into the bedroom. My mother was lying on her side facing the window.

“Ma… Are you awake” – Me

She immediately sat up and her eyes popped wide open.

“Samkelisiwe! Oh Lord! Come here,” she said with arms wide open.
14 | P a g e

I walked up to her and threw myself into her arms.

She started crying.

“Are you okay? I am so sorry! I was so worried about you? Where did they find
you?”- Mother

“I’m okay ma. I was so scared. The lady found me at the stadium” – Me

“I thought you might go back there. I’m so sorry” – Mother

“Why didn’t you come and get me after school?” I asked when she finally let me
go.

“Sisi, I walked all day trying to get help. I ended up here. I was almost collapsing
from exhaustion and hunger. I was completely out of it. As soon as they gave me
something to eat, I fell asleep. It was only when I woke up that I realized you were
still waiting for me at school. It was already dark outside. Luckily this lady and her
son offered to go and look for you” – Mother

“Okay… I’m glad you are okay now” – Me

“You must have been so scared. Oh Samkelisiwe… I am so sorry that you are going
through this” – Mother
15 | P a g e

“I thought I had lost you. I did not know what to do” – Me

“I would never do that to you. Please promise me that you will always keep that
in mind. I would go to the ends of the earth for you. You are all I have. What did
you eat all day?” – Mother

I pulled out the small piece of fat cake I had left from my school bag, “I had this. I
kept a piece for you”

I did not see the other lady standing behind me.

“Oh my lord”, she exclaimed and threw her hands on top of her head.

I did not mean for her to see that. I felt so embarrassed.

Obviously this shocked the woman. She had tears in her eyes.

“Sisi… Is it this bad? This child even kept this small piece from school so that you
could eat?” – Lady

My mother just hung her head and wiped the tears off her eyes with a small
tissue she was carrying in her hand.

The next day…

16 | P a g e

I woke up quite early and took a bath. It felt so good to be able to bath in warm
water. The lady had washed my uniform in her washing machine and then hung it
in the house to dry. Luckily it was completely dry by morning so I just ironed it.
She made a lunchbox of cheese and polony sandwiches, an apple and some juice
for me. She even gave me five rand for pocket money. I was so grateful but I knew
that it would not be for long. She told me to come back to her house after school.
As I opened the gate to leave, her son came running towards me from the back of
the house. He had been introduced to me as Tshepo. I had not gotten a chance to
see what was behind the house. I just guessed there was a back room because
Tshepo had not slept inside. The main house was a three bedroomed house and it
was well kept. The lady was not rich but one could tell that she was not exactly
suffering either.

“Hey there… My mom asked me to check on you. Do you know you way to school
from here?” – Tshepo

“Hi Tshepo… I’m not quite sure of the route but I’m sure it won’t be difficult for
me to figure it out” – Me

“No, give me a minute. I need to get a jacket then I will walk you to school” –
Tshepo

“Thank you Tshepo. I hope it isn’t too much trouble” – Me

“It’s no problem at all. I will be right back” – Tshepo

17 | P a g e

Tshepo walked me to school. On the way there we talked quite a bit about my life
mostly. He told me that he overhead my mother telling our story and how we
ended up homeless the previous day. He was very sympathetic. He told me that
he would try his best to help us in any way he could. According to him he was
twenty five years old and doing his final year of chemical engineering at varsity.
He also helped his mother at her supermarket in the township. His father had
passed away only two years back. He was an only child just like me. He reassured
me that my mother and I would not be back on the streets. We had a nice vibe
going. He told he was glad I had come and it felt like he could finally have a
younger sister.

Tshepo walked me all the way to school.

When I got back to the house after school, my mother was cleaning the windows.
She had washed and ironed all my clothes for me and there was lunch waiting for
me in the micro wave.
18 | P a g e

Chapter 4 – Sasa’s Story

I was done with cleaning the rest of the windows and had tidied up. I got to have
a look around the yard as I had to clean the windows at the back of the house as
well. There was a small shack there and a back room which was probably where
Tshepo slept. When I finished with the chores I got busy with my homework even
though I could not really focus. I kept asking myself what was happening at the
supermarket, they had been gone for more than two hours. Suddenly I was very
nervous because it could go both ways. It was either good news or bad news that
my mother had received. I made sure that the food my mother had cooked was
warm and ready to consume then I made myself scarce. If there was one thing I
had learnt about staying in someone else’s house, it was to try and avoid being
too much in their space so I went to read the novel I had taken from the school
library in the bedroom where my mother and I slept. It was a book from the
sweet valley book series. I always enjoyed those. They were rare to find because
the students loved them meaning they were always unavailable. That day I was
lucky to find one that I had not read.

Minutes later I heard the gate open and I could hear Tsepo’s mom’s voice. She
could be a bit loud unlike my mother who was a very soft spoken woman. They
came inside and my mother immediately came to check on me.

“Hey baby, are you studying” –Mother

“No ma, I’m just reading a novel” – Me

19 | P a g e

I looked at her face closely and it was beaming. I knew whatever she was about to
share with me was definitely good news so I put the book aside and looked at her
with excitement.

“So why did Tshepo’s mom want to see you?” – Me

She laughed and grabbed my hand.

“I knew you would be dying to hear what happened” – Mother

“Please don’t keep me in suspense any longer” – Me

“Well… Tshepo’s mother is such a kind woman. I believe God brought us here for
a reason, one that has the potential to turn our lives around. You know that God
uses people to do what he intends to do for us simply because he can’t appear
personally …” –Mother

“Ma you are killing me here”, I said laughing.

She laughed too. For the first time in a long time, I saw my mother laugh
genuinely. That moment was priceless.

“Okay… Okay… She told me that we could stay here for the rest of the month and
then next month we can move into our own place which she spent the day finding
20 | P a g e

for us. It’s nothing fancy… But for us it is a small piece of heaven. It is a shack right
by the station, you know that squatter camp right? It is a close walking distance to
your school as well”

I nodded.

“I saw it. It is still quite new so it is big and shiny and the floor is quite nice so we
will not have a problem. The nice thing about it is that it will be our own place.
We do not have to live in fear of when we will be asked to leave. Tshepo’s mom
had suggested that we move into Tshepo’s room at the back and Tshepo would
move inside but I did not want to inconvenience them any further so I opted for
that place. She will also give us a bit of furniture that she had kept in the small
shack at the back” – Mother

I jumped and gave my mother a big hug. I was so happy and relieved.

“I think you made the right decision. I don’t want to keep walking on egg shells
because we are living in someone else’s house. I have had enough of that. Only
one thing though… How are we going to survive?” – Me

“Wait… I’m not done. She then offered me a job at her supermarket as a cashier. I
will also just help out with other things such as locking up and opening. A bit of
admin as well. I start tomorrow” – Mother

“I can’t believe this!” I said with tears in my eyes.

21 | P a g e

“This is the best news ever, to think that we were homeless just yesterday and
now all this!” – Me

“I know my angel. God saw us through. We can only go up from here” – Mother

“It’s good enough for now but one day I will buy you a house” – Me

I knew how much this job offer meant to my mom. She did not have much of an
education. She left school when she was in Grade ten, which was standard eight
then. She had to drop out when her adoptive family abandoned her. She has been
slaving for people ever since just so we could have a roof over our heads. She had
me while she was living in Soweto with some relatives from her adoptive family.
My father did not feature much in our lives though. According to her, he had
denied that he was my father when I was only a month old and that was the last
time she ever saw him. I did not like discussing him and when people asked me
about him I have always said that he passed away.

Come to think of it… This was going to be my mother’s first formal job. I was so
excited for her. She deserved a bit of happiness.

We hugged and said a thank you prayer together. I then went to find Tshepo’s
mother because I wanted to thank her. She was in the kitchen dishing up for
herself.

“Evening ma… My mother just told me the good news. I just wanted to thank you
for what you have done for us. Not a lot of people would have done what you
have done” – Me
22 | P a g e

She put her plate on the kitchen table and came to give me a hug.

“You are so cute. I wish I could do more for you and your mother. Trust me if I had
the money I would have done a lot more than this” – Tshepo’s mom

“This is more than enough for us. Thank you. May God bless you” – Me

“You are going to make me cry. No… get away,” she said laughing.

I laughed with her.

“Sisi nobody should ever have to go through what you and your mother have
been through. What kind of person would I be if I looked the other way knowing
that I had the power to help? Come and watch TV with me when you are done in
there or are you still busy with homework? I know your mother is probably tired.
Look at this place… Spotless” – Tshepo’s mother

“Yes ma… I will come a bit later” I lied.

I knew it was her time to relax after a long day of work. She had probably had her
own routine for years and I did not want to interfere with that.

My mother had already bathed and she was ready to sleep so I switched on the
bedside lamp and carried on reading my novel. My heart was leaping with joy.
23 | P a g e

For the next couple of weeks we lived like royalty at Tshepo’s house. Tshepo and I
had really become like brother and sister. I would hang out with him and his
friends in his room on weekends and whenever I had nothing to do. That is where
I met Thato. He was such a cool guy, not to mention hot. He was a bit younger
than Tshepo but he was already working and had his own car. I had a huge crush
on him and Tshepo noticed so he would tease me about it.

My mother had settled into her job. It took her a few days to get used to the
working hours and being a working mother but after that she was fine.

She actually looked years younger now that she had started taking care of herself
and putting effort into her looks. She was still very young. My mother was actually
a very beautiful woman it’s just that struggling had taken its toll on her but she
was slowly getting back in the game. I realized she even started applying make-up
on her face. When I asked her about it she just said she needed to look good
because she was almost like the face of the supermarket. I agreed with her.

The end of that month came and we moved into our own place. It was a strange
feeling at first but I loved it. I could do things at my own pace without worrying
about being scolded or risking being kicked out.

We had all the furniture we needed. Tshepo’s mom even gave us a fridge and a
couch. The only thing we did not have was a TV but I was fine with that. My
mother had promised to buy a small one eventually. Her first salary had gone into
buying food and clothing for us. We even had lunch at Wimpy on the day we did
our shopping. She would come back quite late and she was always very tired after
work so I made sure that I cooked and cleaned the house after school so she
would not have to lift a finger.

One Saturday when I had finished cleaning, I got bored so I decided to go and
check on Tshepo. I put on my new jeans and threw on my purple sweater and
pumps. My mother had finally bought me a watch. I wore it so that I would know
24 | P a g e

when to come home because we only had one set of keys and I did not want my
mother to get stuck outside after a long day at work. I looked like a typical
teenager. I walked to Tshepo’s house but just before I got to the gate Thato came
driving behind me.

The sight of that guy made my knees go weak. I pretended not to notice that it
was his car I had spotted behind me but he parked his car and came running
towards me.

“Hey Sasa… Tshepo’s not here. There’s a party by one of our friend’s place. I just
came to fetch some CDs. Would you like to come with?” – Thato

He called me Sasa… I loved it. Everybody always called me by my full name. How
could I refuse?
25 | P a g e

Chapter 5 – Sasa’s Story

That is how my relationship with Thato began. Thato and I were inseparable from
that day. He had introduced me to a whole new life. I had never been to a cinema
until I met him. He took me everywhere. At first my mother was not very happy
about that relationship. She felt that he would distract me from my school work
but she later gave in seeing that I was so happy with him. He was also very
persuasive and charming so he played a very big role in getting my mother to
accept him. I had been very open with my mother about my relationship with
Thato since he was my first boyfriend. Through Thato I met Lerato and Zodwa.

They were older than me. They were in their early twenties and I was only fifteen
and about to turn sixteen. I was not exactly slim like my mother was. I had a little
meat on my bones so people would assume I was a little older than I actually was.
I met Zodwa and Lerato at a braai that I had attended with Thato. He was a bit of
a socialite so every weekend we would be at some party. I was still not allowed to
go out at night so I would always leave earlier.

I did not have a problem with that at all because by the time I would leave people
would start getting drunk. I did not drink at all so I would get bored anyway. They
would always try to persuade me to stay a bit longer but I knew my place. I was
still a child living under my mother’s roof and my mother had fought very hard for
that roof. I was not about to jeopardize my mother’s happiness just because I
wanted to have fun. I knew better than that. I was not about to compare myself
with them either because we were at very different levels in life.

Most of the people Thato hung around with were much older than I was but I
found it easy to gel in with them. I have always been much wiser than my years
and that would make it much more difficult to relate to people my own age.
Lerato was already working, she was a beauty therapist and lived in the suburbs,
Zodwa was studying teaching and she lived in the same township. I found them
very interesting. I especially enjoyed Lerato’s company because she was in the
26 | P a g e

field I wanted to get into. I wanted to be a hairdresser… Not just any hairdresser
but I saw myself being stylist to celebrities and one day opening my own hair
salon in places like Sandton or Rosebank. I wanted to cater to the high end
market. Lerato worked at a spa in Sandton so she always had to look presentable.
I started doing her hair. That was one thing I was good at. She convinced me to
start doing hair on my free time to earn extra money. I was very good at it so I did
not mind at all. She would refer some of her clients to me and I would have to go
to their places and do their hair there. Cell phones started coming into the
market. They made life much easier. Thato bought me a small Alcatel cellphone
so that my clients and people they had referred to me would be able to get a hold
of me.

I saw another side of life. Most of Lerato’s clients lived in beautiful houses and
apartments in the northern surburbs. I would spend hours there and I was in awe
of that life. I wanted to see myself there some day.

Doing house calls really gave me a broader picture. I realized my potential and I
knew I had to start dreaming big if I wanted to see myself living that lifestyle.
Every time I took a taxi back home to our shiny shack in Alex, I found myself
reeling with amazement at the contrast.

I started questioning a lot of things about life. What was so different about those
people from the kind of people I had spent my whole life around? What made
them succeed? I wanted to spend more time around the people living in those
fancy houses so I could find their secret to success.

The money I made from doing hair came in handy. The first thing I bought was
new school uniform for myself and also a new backpack. I felt so good going to
school looking like a normal kid. I was also able to buy a small
TV for us. I had bought it as a surprise and when my mother came home one
Saturday, she found me sitting on our two-sitter couch watching TV. She was so
proud of me. She could not believe I had made so much money. I was proud of
myself too. Zodwa would give me some clothes that she did not wear anymore
because we were almost the same size. Lerato could not do that because she was
much smaller than I was but she did give me a lot of shoes and accessories
27 | P a g e

because we were the same shoe size. I was very grateful to the ladies. I always
hated being seen as a charity case by my peers but this was different. Besides the
stuff they gave to me was very nice.

With me working part time, my mother only had to worry about rent and food. I
managed to take care of my needs and to also help my mother out with a few
other things in the house. Life was beginning to look up. When we first got to the
shack it was not easy. Sometimes we would have to scrape together money for
bread and my mother had to walk a very long distance to work but she could now
afford to catch a taxi. She laughed a lot more. She was a brand new person. I was
so relieved to see my mother in that state. She also started getting a frequent
visitor. The man’s name was Sipho. He was a very nice man. I liked him because
he seemed very respectful. Whenever I was around they would walk out and sit
on a bench outside so I tried to give them some space by visiting Thato or
attending to my clients if I was booked over weekends. I did that so that they
could spend time together. I knew they also probably did things that were meant
only for adults, I was not stupid but I loved how my mother would sing when she
was in the house. How she would smile to herself and she spoke a whole lot more
than she normally did in the past. She was happier than I had ever seen her. She
was really enjoying being independent and it filled my heart with joy.

I encouraged her to go shopping and buy herself more shoes and clothes when
she got paid at the end of the month. She seemed a bit unsure about my idea at
first but I managed to convince her. She deserved to spoil herself a bit more. She
worked very hard besides I knew how good she would feel with new shoes and
clothing. It was called retail therapy. At least she never had to worry about her
hair because I always made sure that it was done. Lerato had given me some
make-up as well but I just passed it on to my mom because I did not really wear
make – up. I did not need it. It just made me look weird. I always thought that
teenagers took a lot away from their youthful appearance when they wore make
– up and it just made them look strange. I did not want to be one of those.
28 | P a g e

Believe it or not I was still a virgin at the time. I was planning to keep it that way
as long as I could. The last thing I needed was to end up like my mother with a
child at an early age and no place to call home. I wanted to build a home for us
first and make sure that I had a good career before I could even think of having
children. Thato had tried his luck with me a few times but I let him know that it
would not happen so he should either move on from me or accept that. He chose
to stay and behave. I was a very sweet and considerate person but I also knew
when I had to be firm. I was not exactly a walk over. I had learnt to stand up for
myself when I needed to.

One Sunday afternoon I sat and watched TV after getting my uniform ready for
school. It was my birthday, I was turning sixteen. My mother had gone to the
shops with uncle Sipho. I was hoping that she would buy me a cake. I had never
had my own cake before even on birthdays. My mother was never able to afford
it and nobody else had bothered to buy one for me. When my mother asked me
that morning what I would like for my birthday, the first thing I said was, “I would
love to have some cake”.

I heard a very familiar sound outside. It was the sound of Thato’s car. I could
recognize it from any distance. It was a Volkswagen VR6 and in those days if you
drove that car you were “the man”. I could never understand the hype around it
but it made me the envy of many girls in the township. Except for the noise it
made, to me it seemed like a normal car. I felt good though when I sat inside
because all eyes would be on us. I never liked being center of attention before but
I had started not minding it. I had no reason to feel ashamed anymore. I always
got excited when Thato would come over. He would always come unannounced
but he would never just come into our shack, he would always send a child to call
me. It was out of respect for my mother. That day I went outside though before
he sent anyone. I waited for him by the small gate.

He parked the car and I jumped in.

29 | P a g e

“Hi sweetheart, how does it feel to be sweet sixteen? I can’t believe you are still
so young because you are so mature” – Thato

“You are not the first one to say that but it feels great to be a little bit older” - Me

“You do know turning sixteen is a big deal right? That is why we planned a little
something for you at Lerato’s place but you are going to have to ask your mom for
permission to be out a bit late tonight”- Thato

“Well, I have school tomorrow so it can’t be too late” – Me

“No we will be back before midnight. Come on! Don’t be so uptight, it’s your
birthday. It won’t hurt to ask. The worst thing your mom can do is say no” – Thato

“Yes, I suppose you are right. I will call you when I have spoken to her” – Me

Not long after Thato left, my mother and uncle Sipho came back. She had bought
a round chocolate cake for me. I was so happy. We had lunch and cake for desert
then sat around the small table watching TV.

I told my mother about the small party Thato had arranged for me and asked if I
could come back a little bit later. She was not so thrilled about me staying out till
late but because it was my birthday she let me go. I then called Thato and let him
know that he could fetch me in an hour.

I did not think my mother would mind so much because she had company
anyway. I wore a long white boob tube dress that Zodwa had given to me. I put on
30 | P a g e

some silver hoop earrings and tied my hair into a high ponytail. My mother
thought I looked gorgeous but she advised me to take a jersey in case it got cold
later and I did. Not long after that Thato arrived and we were on our way to
Lerato’s place.
31 | P a g e

Chapter 6 – Sasa’s Story

I was so happy to see familiar faces even Tshepo was there then there were a few
girls there that I did not recognize but Zodwa and Lerato were obviously also
there. I was so excited. I could not believe that they had gone out of their way to
organize this party for me. I was experiencing a lot of things for the first time.
That party was also the first party anybody had thrown in my honor.

Lerato’s place was a small one bedroom flat but it was so tastefully furnished. It
came as no surprise because she was a very stylish lady. As soon as we stepped in
everybody started singing happy birthday to me. It made me so emotional. It
made me feel so special. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged.

“Madam Sasa… Wipe those tears away. It’s your birthday. We are here to have
fun”, Zodwa said as she stood up to give me a hug.

She knew they were tears of joy.

“Come this way. There is a shooter with your name on it” – Lerato

“No guys… Samke does not drink” – Tshepo

“Oh leave her alone. It’s her birthday today. Let the girl have a bit of fun!” –
Lerato
32 | P a g e

“Hello! I’m still here. Tshepo’s right. It’s probably not a good idea” – Me

“Oh come on! Just one won’t hurt ” – One of the guys.

They all started chanting, “Sasa! Sasa! Sasa…”

“Okay! Okay! I will have just one” – Me

Everybody except Tshepo shouted, “Yay!!!”

I took one shot of some blue liquid… It was very strong but the taste was not as
bad as I thought it would be. There was applause all around the room.

Lerato passed me another shooter.

“Here take another one. Tshepo’s not watching” – Lerato

Without thinking, I downed the next shooter. I immediately felt very relaxed and
happy. I understood why people drank so much. It made one feel very different.

That was the first time I had ever taken any alcohol but I was not going to over –
do it. It was enough for the night.

I got myself a glass of coke and went to sit next to Tshepo. We caught up a little
bit because it had been quite a while since I had seen him. Thato always ended up
33 | P a g e

playing deejay so as usual he headed straight for the music system and started
shuffling CDs that he had brought with him. I could see some of the girls eyeing
him. I knew that my man was a looker so I let them drool.

The afternoon turned out so well. Later on Thato and some other guy went out
onto the balcony to braai some meat. Tshepo had to leave early so he could
prepare for a test he was writing the following day so I hung around with Lerato
and Zodwa in the kitchen. They were talking all sorts of rubbish as usual but I
enjoyed their company.

“Sasa… Don’t you want another shooter? It’s been a while” – Zodwa

“Maybe one won’t hurt” – Me

I had two more actually. I had enjoyed the feeling earlier and even this time
around it felt good. I then decided to go and check on Thato, I hardly saw him and
I wanted to be close to him even if it was for a few minutes.

I went out onto the balcony where Thato and the other guys had been preparing
meat. I pushed through all the people standing in the way until I got outside.
Strangely enough Thato was not there. Two of the girls that I did not know were
sitting on camp chairs next to the fire and one guy was busy with the meat but
Thato was nowhere in sight. I asked the guy who was preparing the meat where
Thato was and he told me that he had gone to the garage.

I thought that was strange because I never saw him leave and from the kitchen
where we were sitting we could see everybody who came in and out. Something
told me that the guy was lying to me. I then went over to the bathroom and when
I came out there was Thato making his way out of Lerato’s bedroom. Behind him
came one of the girls that were eyeing him earlier. She was fixing her skirt and her
hair was a bit messed up like she had been sleeping.
34 | P a g e

I was crushed. It was completely obvious to me and everybody who saw them
what they were doing in there.

He saw me and immediately rushed up to me.

“Are you okay? I hope you are still having a good time. You must just let me know
when you are ready to go. I don’t want to upset your mom” – Thato

I got so angry but I did not want to cause a scene so I pulled him aside.

“Thato what were you doing in Lerato’s bedroom with that girl?” – Me

“I was hiding my CDs because there are so many people here and I did not want
them to get lost and that girl followed me inside. Nothing happened. She was
fixing herself on the mirror or something” – Thato

I did not know whether to believe him or not. I wanted to trust him but what he
had just told me did not make any sense because that girl looked like a mess
when she came out of that room and she probably did that on purpose to bring
evidence of triumph to her friends. Of course the prize was Thato.

“Thato are you lying to me?” – Me

“Why would I do that sweetheart? Did you take a good look at that girl? She has
nothing on you. She is not even on the same level of beauty as you. Why would I
want to go for her when I have you?” – Thato
35 | P a g e

“Perhaps because she is easy prey and I won’t sleep with you?” – Me

“Don’t be paranoid Sasa. Let me go check on the meat. I will come and check on
you just now” – Thato

I went back to the kitchen and told Lerato and Zodwa about what had just
happened. They looked at each other in a very unsettling way.

“Guys, is there something I should know that you are not telling me?” – Me

“No sisi, just have something to drink and try to relax. Those girls are probably
just trying to make you feel insecure. You know how girls can be” – Lerato

She handed me a bottle of hunter’s dry. I took it with no hesitation. I needed

something to calm me down. I did not want my birthday to be ruined by what I
had seen. I was not even sure anymore if I was correct in my assumptions.

We ate and then Lerato turned up the volume on the sound system and we
started dancing. All was well again. Thato made himself visible at all times so I was
good. The other girls hurdled together in one corner and from time to time they
would steal a glance my way. I was not bothered. I was having a good time.

Lerato kept the ciders coming until I realized that I was drunk. I kept laughing at
everything and anything. I looked at my watch. It was already ten thirty. I was
enjoying myself so much that I did not want to leave but I knew I had to go. I had
36 | P a g e

school the next day and my mother would never let me go anywhere else if I
messed up this time. I started searching for Thato to let him know that I was
ready to but he was nowhere to be found. Yet again Thato had disappeared. I
looked on the balcony, in the bedroom and the bathroom but Thato was not
there.

Lerato turned down the music and started asking everyone to leave. She said that
she was not allowed to play loud music or have any noise after ten, it was the
complex rules. People started leaving and some complained but she was having
none of it. She switched off the music altogether. I waited for the flat to calm
down and as soon as everyone had left and it was just me, Zodwa and Lerato
remaining in the flat. I let them know that I could not find Thato.

Lerato sat me down and gave me a cup of coffee while Zodwa started clearing up
the mess.

“Sasa I like you a lot. I think you are a cool person and I truly admire your
discipline but I will be completely honest with you. I am not telling you this
because I want to hurt you but I understand that you are still young and I want
you to wise up to the ways of this world we live in” – Lerato

I looked at Lerato with tears in my eyes because I knew what she was about to tell
me was not good. I knew that Lerato and Zodwa knew Thato a lot more than I did
so she would shed some light into his strange behavior.

“Thato is a man but he is still too young to commit. He is at an awkward age and
you can see how he hops from party to party. He is not old enough yet to
understand commitment and he lives for the moment. He is going to hurt you just
like he has today. I thought he would behave seeing that you are here and it is
your birthday but obviously I was wrong. He does this all the time. He is always
37 | P a g e

picking up these trashy girls from every party and then he leaves with them. I’m
sure I don’t have to explain to you what he does with them after that” – Lerato

I just dropped my head and watched as my tears hit the floor.

“That is the problem with these young boys… They can’t keep their zippers shut.
They want to have everything that is walking in a skirt so if you are going to carry
on with him just be careful and always use protection” – Lerato

I did not look at Lerato because my eyes were masked with tears but I responded
to her.

“I am not sleeping with him. I have never slept with anybody” – Me

“Are you saying you’re a virgin?” – Lerato

“Yes” – Me

She just gave me a hug and said, “Eish my girl, you still have a lot to learn. I’m
sorry but at least you are safe from diseases and such. The last thing you want to
do is give it away to that fuck boy”

Thato planted a seed of insecurity in me.

38 | P a g e

Chapter 7 – Sasa’s Story

“Don’t worry I will call my man to take you home. Wipe those tears and take this
as a lesson. You must not trust so easily. These boys will break your heart if you
are not careful” – Lerato

I felt like just breaking down and weeping at that moment but I did not want to
embarrass myself any further in front of Lerato and Zodwa. I was sober again and
feeling sick. All I wanted to do was to fall asleep. I was also worried about getting
home so late and on top of everything I was probably wreaking of alcohol.

Lerato made a phone call to her man then joined Zodwa in cleaning up the flat.

“Freddy is coming and I don’t want him to see that I threw a party in here. He can
be so jealous” – Lerato

Despite how I was feeling, I took a mop and started wiping the floor. It was my
fault that this guy was coming anyway so I needed to at least help out. We
opened all the windows and sprayed the whole house to get rid of the foul smell
of alcohol. Freddy came sooner than we thought so Lerato suggested that we go
to the parking area to meet him there before he could come into the house.

I must say I was quite surprised when I saw this Freddy. He was an old man with a
fat belly. He looked old enough to be Lerato’s father.
39 | P a g e

“Hi babe… Thank you so much for coming. I’m so sorry for calling you this late but
we had a bit of a crisis here. I hope I did not get you into trouble at home?” -
Lerato

“Don’t worry baby girl… The wife is not around,” he said as he gave her a kiss and
held on to her butt.

“So this is Sasa… She stays in Alex and she doesn’t have transport to go home” -
Lerato

“Hello Sasa” he said as he extended his hand to me for a handshake.

“Hello” – Me

“Well why didn’t she just sleep over?” – Freddy

“She must go to school tomorrow. She just came for a few drinks and her
transport didn’t pitch. Do you mind taking her home? You know I will return the
favour” – Lerato

She was batting her eyelashes at him, flirting like nobody’s business. It was all a
bit cheesy, too fake and I could not believe that the guy was falling for it.

“Sure my love, anything for you, I will call you when I’m on my way back alright” –
Freddy
40 | P a g e

“Okay babe but bear in mind that Zodwa is sleeping over so no funny business
alright?” – Lerato

“Okay… Sasa jump in the car. Let’s get you home” – Freddy

That is all I wanted to hear. I did not care if it was Mr Bean taking me home. I just
wanted to get there. My mother was not going to be very pleased with me. It was
already one o’clock in the morning.

The lights were still on in our shack when we arrived. Freddy drove a car as big as
he was. It was a white Jeep. I was hoping that my mother would not see me
climbing out of that car with only the old man and me inside. He made small talk
all the way but he did not try anything funny, I guess Lerato had him on a tight
leash which was something his wife obviously failed at. I did not trust him. He had
pervert written all over his face. What kind of man wakes up at that hour to drive
his young mistress’ friends around? I felt sorry for his wife but it had benefited me
at that time so I could not judge.

I was too late. As soon as the car stopped, I saw the curtain move slightly to the
side. I wanted the man to leave as quickly as possible so I said goodbye quickly
and left. He looked at me with pity in his eyes.

“So this is where you live baby girl? This place is not for you” – Freddy

I did not have time for that. I wanted him gone, out of sight, as quickly as I had
left his car but I was not so lucky. He stayed in his car watching me all the way to
the door. I tried to signal for him to go but the idiot just sat there watching. He
41 | P a g e

probably had good intentions. He wanted to make sure that I was inside safely
before he left but I wished he hadn’t.

My mother opened the door before I could knock. She was livid.

“Sasa, why are you coming home at this time?” – Mother

“Ma, I had a bit of a transport problem. Thato left me there and…” – Me

She did not even let me finish the sentence.

“Get inside” – Mother

I went inside and realized that she had not slept a wink. The bed was still neatly
done.

“You are smelling of alcohol and who is that old man that dropped you off” –
Mother

I could not explain that so I just kept quiet and looked down.

“You are going off the rails and I must teach you a lesson. You are getting out of
hand” – Mother
42 | P a g e

I knew those words too well. She would always say that just before I got a
beating. It had been a while since I had one of those and I did not think she would
ever hit me again. I mean I was sixteen years old already.

She took out a belt from her wardrobe and I started apologizing but the apology
fell on deaf ears. I got the beating of my life. My mother hit me until the belt fell
off her hands and then she threw a pot full of food at me. I had never seen my
mother this angry before. She had never actually thrown things at me.

The pot landed right on my lip as I tried to cover the rest of my face using my
arms.

“You better go to sleep now. You are going to school tomorrow and don’t think I
will let you sleep off a hangover. Rubbish!” – Mother

I took off my clothes that were now full of food and boiled some water in a kettle
so I could wipe myself off. I did so, brushed my teeth and went to bed with tears
in my eyes.

When the alarm went off the next morning, it felt like I had only slept for five
minutes. My body was sore all over and not to mention the ringing in my head. I
had a massive headache.

I woke up and boiled some water again and took a bath. As I did that, I realized
how many bruises I had all over my body, my mother really had a go at me the
previous night. I put on my long grey trousers and wore a jersey to cover up but
as stood in front of the mirror saw the swelling on my lip area. Luckily I did not
have a cut but I was badly bruised and swollen up.

Knowing that I had to go to school like that made me very bitter, how could my
mother have gotten so angry at me to beat me up like she did? It was only out of
respect that I did not restrain her or fight back. I would never do that.
43 | P a g e

I finished getting dressed, made a lunch box and left for school. She was still
asleep when I left which meant Tshepo’s mother would know all about the
previous night because she would have to explain why she was late. I hated the
thought of that. She would think that I was irresponsible.

All the fruits of my good behavior seemed to have gone down the drain in one
night and I honestly did nothing wrong. The only thing I could have avoided was
the alcohol.

School that day was a nightmare. A rumour that I was beaten by Thato started
doing the rounds. I had a terrible headache all day, a broken heart and did not
even have the strength for that. All I wanted to do was sleep.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I finally got back home. I had to do my chores and
cook before I could take a nap.

It must have been around seven in the evening when I woke up. It was strange
because there was no sign of my mother. She normally came home much earlier.

I looked at my phone and I had only two missed calls. They were both from
Lerato. Thato had not even bothered to call me. That broke my heart all over
again. I honestly did not want anything to do with that crowd again. I realized that
I was too naïve and too gullible to be able to handle them but before I could put
my phone down it rang again. It was Lerato.

“Hey Sasa… How are you?” – Lerato

“I’m good thanks Lerato… How are you?” – Me

“Good too, I just wanted to check that Freddy got you home safely” – Lerato
44 | P a g e

“Yes he did. Thank you so much again for last night. I really appreciate it. You
really went out of your way for me” – Sasa

“That’s what friends are for. I hope Freddy did not try anything funny with you” –
Lerato

Oh so that is what the phone call was really about. She wanted to check that her
sugar daddy was behaving.

“No … he was a perfect gentleman. He even stopped to make sure that I got
inside safely” – Me

I was not going to tell Lerato about the beating I got. She would not understand.

“Okay… He is not exactly what you pictured right?” – Lerato

I giggled a bit.

“Not exactly but look, as long as he makes you happy, that is all that matters” –
Me

“Sasa please don’t judge me. The reason I am with Freddy is that he does not give
me any stress. I know that if he is not with me, he’s with his wife. The bonus is
45 | P a g e

that I get to live comfortably. He provides for my expenses you know. So for me
it’s not about love but comfort. I hope you get me” – Lerato

“Sure. I understand but do you mean he helps you out financially?” – Me

“How do you think I afford to pay for the rent where I stay and get to party every
weekend? My salary is not that big. I also don’t come from a wealthy family so I
still need to make sure that they are fed so the money Freddy gives me comes in
handy” – Lerato

“I always thought you were making lots of money at your workplace. The fancy
clothes, shoes and changing hairstyles like you change underwear…” – Me

“I make enough to live conservatively but it’s not enough to be a breadwinner at

home and to feed my party lifestyle. Maybe I should hook you up with a Freddy of
your own” – Lerato

“No thanks… I don’t think I can do that right now” – Me

“I’m only kidding my love… Finish school first then we can talk but in the
meantime let me know if you change your mind. Life could be a lot simpler” –
Lerato

After talking to Lerato I thought about what she had told me. I could not
understand how she did it. I could not picture any guy sweating and huffing on
46 | P a g e

top of me let alone that fat Albert. It was definitely not my scene. It was wrong to
judge but hey I was not verbalizing it.

I dished up for myself and switched on the TV. I was still not a hundred percent
myself but I felt a lot better than earlier.

I wondered where my mother could be. I tried to call her but her phone just rang
unanswered. I started to worry.

After watching my favourite TV show I started doing my homework that is when I

heard some voices outside. It was female voices but they sounded way too happy,
almost as if they were drunk. I opened the door to see who it was and there was
my mother hanging on one of the ladies’ shoulder, drunk like a baboon.
47 | P a g e

Chapter 8 – Sasa’s Story

I recognized one of the women with her as Sis’ Pinky from down the road. She
sold beers at her house. What was going on? I knew my mother would have a
cider or two on a rare occasion but I have never seen her drunk ever and to see
her in that condition was shocking. I just stood by the door staring in disbelief.

“Ey Pinky man… Thank you for taking me home. Let me go and sleep now. I must
go to work tomorrow…” she said slurring.

“Come here ‘my kind’ (my child)… Come and balance your mother if we let her go
she will tip over”, said Pinky also sounding drunk even though she was
permanently in that state.

I went over to where she was standing and tried to get her to lean on me but she
was very stubborn.

“Pinky man, now you are making a fool of me in front of my daughter. I can walk
by myself. Leave me and you will see,” she slurred.

I felt like the whole thing was not really happening. What had gotten into my
mother?
48 | P a g e

“Sis’ Pinky… My mom doesn’t normally drink. What happened? Did she even go to
work?” – Me

“Yes, she went to work and then came to my place after work with some guy. The
guy also got drunk and passed out. They were just happy ‘my kind’ don’t get upset
and don’t take it too seriously” – Pinky

“Okay, come on ma… Let’s go inside” – Me

She was battling to even stand but she insisted that she could walk on her own. I
forced her to hold on to me until she gave in. She was too intoxicated and had no
power to fight me off. She kept apologizing for hurting me the previous night. I
led her inside and thanked the ladies. She immediately threw herself in bed. She
was fully clothed and even had make-up on. I just pulled off her shoes and
covered her with some blankets. I think she passed out because there was no
movement from her after that.

I continued with my homework still disillusioned. I wanted to know what drove

my mother to act so out of character.

She started snoring very loudly and it was clear that I would not be able to sleep
next to her so I took some blankets and prepared to sleep on the couch. Before I
went to bed, I ironed some clothes for her for the next day. I wanted to make it
easier so that she would not even consider skipping work. I doubted Tshepo’s
mom would be very happy if she did. News travelled fast in the township and if
she found out that my mother was absent from work because of a drinking spree,
she would lose all respect for her.

I then switched off the light and went to bed.

49 | P a g e

I woke up a little earlier than usual and I noticed that my mother was wearing her
night gown and sleeping soundly. There was a dirty plate on top of the table. She
must have woken up in the middle of the night. At least she had something to eat.

I bathed in the small plastic basin and then got ready for school. I had made
lunchboxes for both of us the night before. I then prepared some bath water for
her as well and woke her up.

“Ma, ma … wake up, you have to go to work. Your bath water is ready” – Me

It took a long time for her to finally get out of bed. She did not look fazed at all by
the previous night’s events. I thought she would be so ashamed when she realized
how drunk she had been.

“Why are you so loud Sasa? I heard you the first time. Mxm” – Mother

I could not recognize the woman in front of me. She seemed like a complete
stranger. I wanted to shake her and ask her what happened to my mother. What
was going on with her? I opted to leave before I got myself even more upset.

From that day onwards my mother came home drunk every weekend and every
other weekday. It became a norm. I did not even get a chance to mourn my
relationship with Thato. He never called me after that night. I had to get over it
very quickly because I had bigger things to worry about. I still did not know what
had happened for her to start drinking like that. Maybe life just got too much for
50 | P a g e

her and she took to the bottle for an escape. My mother’s life has been difficult
since day one. She might have been stretched too far and decided to ease her
pain by staying drunk. I had no idea. At first I blamed myself because the whole
thing started right after the incident of my birthday but then I realized that it was
much deeper than that. Life became very hard for me because I had to constantly
clean after her mess. The drunkenness came with a lot of drama. She changed
men like they were going out of fashion but at least she still respected me enough
not to bring them home with her. She would always hang around with them at sis’
Pinky’s house. She did not buy so much food anymore because most of her
money fed her drinking habit. We became a big joke in the township. I could see
the looks of pity on everyone’s faces when I would walk by. I became the
township’s drunkard’s child. People made my mother’s drinking problem mine
too. I was not treated with respect anymore because of my mother. They always
came to me with suggestions of how to help her quit as if it were that simple. I
hated it. You would swear I was always drunk too but I had never touched a drop
of alcohol since my sixteenth birthday party. I was bearing the cross of my
mother’s mistakes.

My mother’s alcohol abuse meant I had to take on the parent role. The only
good thing was that she still went to work every day without fail.

I missed my mother. I did not know the person she had become and I did not like
it. I felt almost like she had died and I was orphaned and stuck with some
drunkard. The conditions at home forced me to grow up a lot quicker, someone
had to take responsibility. I could no longer go out as much as I used to because
things would be chaotic at home. Somebody had to look after our home and that
person had to be me.

This meant that I hardly saw Lerato and Zodwa. When I did see them was if I went
to do their hair. I would go to Lerato’s place for that because I did not want them
to see what my mother had become. I was too embarrassed. The money I made
from hairdressing still came to good use. I managed to buy food when it ran out
because it ran out very quickly. That period of my life was the hardest. The fear of
51 | P a g e

my mom losing her job and then finding myself in the same hopeless situation we
were once in gripped me intensely. The money I was making from doing people’s
hair was not nearly enough to see us through. It also became increasingly difficult
to run the business and still study enough because I had to go through my matric
and there was a lot of work involved.

I feared that she would one day just stop going to work or get kicked out. I tried
to talk to her a number of times to figure out what the problem was but it was
like talking to a brick wall. She would just tell me that just because she was
drinking did not give me the right to think I was superior to her, she was still the
parent. I did not wish to go back to the life we once lived of being homeless but at
least then I had my mother’s love and attention. This situation was much more
painful because I felt alone and we were living on the brink of disaster. I could not
even speak to Tshepo about the situation at home because then he would tell his
mother and that might have compromised my mother’s job at the supermarket.

It was a beautiful November day and I had just finished writing my last matric
paper... After scribbling messages of love on each other’s school shirts, I made my
way home. Finally I was free to hustle. I could not be confined to a school desk
any longer when I knew that we could lose our home at any moment. I could
control my situation and I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it
took to make sure that we did not end up homeless. I wanted to prove to all the
people in the township who looked down on me that I was could make it out of
that situation and become a big success.

I knew I had passed because I studied very hard throughout the year. I was not
the brightest of students which is why I knew the only way to make it through
high school was to work my butt off. Although academics were not my strong
point, I knew I was gifted with my hands and I would use that to make a life for
myself but I had to have at least a higher education certificate in my hand to get
my foot in the door. I did not have the money but I would figure it out. I had to.
52 | P a g e

Walking home from school had become very difficult for me because I knew what
would be waiting for me. Either somebody coming to claim money that my
mother owed them which she had used to buy beer or my mother coming back to
throw herself on the bed and passing out.

I walked very slowly and thought of all the possibilities since I was done with High
school. I decided to leave Lerato a missed call hoping she would call back because
I needed a change of environment even if it was for a few hours.

Not long after that she called back.

“Hi stranger… It’s been a while hey” – Lerato

“I know… I’m sorry for just disappearing on you for so long.

I have just been so busy with school work and all” – Me

“I understand… When do you finish writing exams?” – Lerato

“Well actually I was writing my last paper today so I’m done” – Me

“Are you serious? We must have a joint celebration. I also just bought myself a
car. I collected it from the garage on Tuesday. So why don’t you go home and get
ready and I will come and pick you up and we can go somewhere. The city is alive,
it’s Friday today! My treat” – Lerato
53 | P a g e

I was so relieved. It felt like she had read my mind.

“Sounds great… I’m on my way home right now so you can call me when you are
on your way to Alex. I will wait for you by the shops” – Me

“Perfect! See you soon” – Lerato

I went home and put on my favourite pair of jeans. Well it was my favourite out of
the two that I owned. I wore a chiffon blouse that Zodwa had given to me and a
gold necklace with matching studs. I even applied a bit of make - up this time. I let
my hair loose. I was ready to have fun and I would not hold back. I wrote a note
for my mother, it wasn’t like she would even care or notice that I was not home
but just so she wouldn’t worry. She would probably go straight to sis’ Pinky’s
house anyway.

I waited a bit and then Lerato called and told me she was on her way. I locked up
and put the key in our secret hiding place for my mother to find when she came
back and I started walking towards the shops.

Lerato picked me up and then took me to a very lively restaurant or bar in

Melville. We had such a good time and I did have a couple of drinks. The waiter
came and served us a bottle of white wine just like the one we had been having
with our meal. We let him know that we did not order another bottle but he told
us that someone had paid for it and asked that he bring it to us. He pointed him
out. What a hunk he was, towering over a small table. He was sitting there alone.
54 | P a g e

Chapter 9 – Sasa’s Story

He looked tall, dark and definitely handsome. He was not Denzel Washington or
anything but there was just something about him. He stood up and started
walking towards us. I was right, he was very tall. He was wearing blue jeans and a
striped shirt, could have been in his late twenties or early thirties. He commanded
respect without saying a word. It was in the way he moved. I could not hold in my
excitement so I pinched Lerato under the table. She pinched me back but we kept
straight faces. I was so glad that Lerato shared my opinion on the man’s looks.
Maybe something good would blossom out of this and she would get herself a
real man so she could forget about that Fat Albert of hers.

I could already see them together. They would make a great couple. Finally he
reached our table. He had rich dark brown eyes that looked so warm.

“Hello ladies… I hope you don’t mind that a stranger would just buy you drinks. I
could not resist giving thanks for gracing us with such beauty this evening. By the
way my name is Xolani,” he said while extending his hand to Lerato.

She looked like a little child who had just discovered a candy store.

“Hi Xolani… Pleased to meet you. My name is Lerato” – Lerato

He turned to me and yet again extended his hand. I shook his hand firmly.

“Hi Xolani… I’m Samkelisiwe but you can call me Sasa”- Me

55 | P a g e

He also had a firm grip.

“I would not want to impose so I will let you ladies continue your conversation. If
you need anything just ask the waiter to bring it. It’s on the house. Pleasure
meeting you ladies,” he said as he turned to leave.

He was hot and he smelled good too. It seemed like he worked there according to
what he had just offered to us. When we were sure that he was out of earshot we
started discussing him.

“Oooh now that is what you call a man” – Lerato

“Yes, he is quite charming isn’t he?” – Me

I did not want to sound too excited in case this man and Lerato ended up dating.
She would always think that I fancied her man but my word, he was something
alright.

“I think he owns the place. He would not have offered us anything we want on
the house if he didn’t. If that’s the case he might be loaded” – Lerato

Here I was thinking he just worked there. My neighborhood had really made me
narrow minded.
56 | P a g e

“So that would make him a full package. I know you like your men moneyed” –
Me

“Maybe he is not even interested in me, it could be you he wants” – Lerato

“What? No way… Why would he want me? He is obviously after you besides he
seems much older than I am” – Me

“He’s not that old and why do you underestimate yourself. You are gorgeous Sasa
any man who has eyes can see that” – Lerato

I suppose I never really saw myself as beautiful, yes I looked different but that
was all I ever saw. Sometimes I wished that we could track down my mother’s real
family so I could see how they looked. There was obviously some DNA from
another race in that family tree. I wanted to see what my grandparents looked
like. I wondered if she ever had siblings…

“I don’t know about gorgeous but thank you for the compliment” – Me

“Sasa we must get you out of that township as soon as possible. It’s messing with
your head. I cannot believe that you do not see how absolutely stunning you are,
that hair, those popping hazel eyes… not to mention those heart shaped pink
lips... ” – Lerato

I laughed…
57 | P a g e

“Stop! You are making me blush… I will just take your word for it” – Me

“You need therapy seriously”- Lerato

Maybe she was right even though she said it as a joke. The traumatic experiences
I lived through had really done some damage to me. My self –confidence had
taken a big knock. One day when I could afford it, I would make going for therapy
a priority.

“Enough about me… How are things with Freddy?” – Me

“Oh that one… I got rid of him quite some time ago. He started being stingy and
money was the only motivation for our relationship or fling, whatever you want
to call it” – Lerato

“I suppose you found another one. I mean you just bought a car” – Me

“You know this! Now he is loaded. I did not spend a cent for that car. My new
man paid for everything so I only need to take care of the monthly insurance
payments, annual service and petrol. I want to make sure that I get as much as I
can from this one before he starts acting up because they always do” – Lerato

“I’ve always wanted to ask you how you manage to do this and still remain so
sane?”- Me
58 | P a g e

“It’s a mind- set… I decided that I would not want for anything and because this
was the easiest thing I could do, I went for it. I don’t imprison myself in guilt. I do
what I have to do and get over the nitty gritties … I hope I answered your
question” – Lerato

“In a Lerato kind of way… yes” – Me

We had the wine that the handsome stranger had blessed us with and just as we
were leaving, the waiter came holding a business card and he handed it to me.

“This is from my boss, Xolani. He asked that I give this to you and said I should tell
you that he hopes you will give him a call some time” – Waiter

“Are you sure he said you must give it to me?” – Me

“His exact words were, ‘Give this to the curvaceous, yellow skinned lady with big
hair’ so yes I’m quite sure” – Waiter

Lerato kept it cool and thanked the waiter and we left the restaurant. As soon as
we were out of sight she started jumping up and down then she gave me a high
five.

“Girrrlll! You hit the jackpot! I knew he wanted you” – Lerato

59 | P a g e

“I really did not expect this… I was so convinced it was you he was after” – Me

“Obviously not, he wants the yellow skinned lady with the big hair” – Lerato

I did not have to bottle my excitement in anymore either so I joined Lerato in her
mini celebration. My confidence shot up ten folds. I looked at his card again…
Mmmmh … Mr Xolani Gibe, CEO of Zenzele holdings.

Little did I know that the man I just met was the person that would change my life
forever…

Back at home my mother was drinking as usual… This time she was seated in the
shack with uncle Sizwe whom I had not seen for quite a long time.

I was under the impression that they had broken up since she had been
frequently changing men but then again my mother had become exceptionally
unpredictable. It was still quite early, the sun had just set.

“Hey my baby how are you doing? You have grown so much and you are looking
more like your mother” – Uncle Sizwe

I did not appreciate people telling me I looked like my mother anymore because
the excessive alcohol had altered her looks. She had developed a ‘phuza face’.
Apart from her looks, her lifestyle left much to be desired and I did not want to
have any similarities with her at all.
60 | P a g e

They were listening to old school jams and discussing stuff from their youth. After
being in the same room as them I started to get bored. They sounded like broken
records, sharing the same stories over and over again.

I decided to send a text message to Xolani…

Me: Hi… I just wanted to make sure that the card you gave me was not fake.

From ‘The curvaceous girl with big hair’

Xolani: Fancy hearing from you, I was praying you would get in touch. Can I call
you?

Me: Yes you may.

Not even a minute later my phone rang and I went to answer it outside.

“Hey beautiful stranger… I was so glad to hear from you” – Xolani

To think earlier I had thought of him as just that… a handsome stranger.

“Like I said, I needed to verify the authenticity of the information” – Me

“Are you happy now?” – Xolani

61 | P a g e

“Well I’m happy that the number works but I still need to verify the rest of the
information” – Me

“Why don’t we go out for lunch tomorrow if you are not busy then maybe you will
get what you are looking for” – Xolani

“I’m busy tomorrow… Sorry” – Me

I was lying… I had nothing planned for the following day but I did not want to avail
myself too much.

“What about the day after tomorrow then?” – Xolani

His voice sounded even deeper on the phone. He spoke so well.

“Sure that’s fine with me…” – Me

“Where do I pick you up?” – Xolani

“I stay in Alex but I can meet you somewhere” – Me

I did not want him to come to my place but I did not have transport money either.
62 | P a g e

“No, I insist on picking you up” – Xolani

“Okay then, I will send you directions” – Me

“Perfect… I will wait for your message. Have a good evening Princess” – Xolani

“Same to you” – Me

I could not help the big smile that suddenly formed on my face as I went back
inside.

My mom was now crying as “Soul to Soul” by The temptations played in the
background. It was nothing new to me but I got a little uncomfortable when Uncle
Sizwe kept nudging her and saying, “Tell her… You have to do it now”.

“Tell me what?”
63 | P a g e

Chapter 10 – Sasa’s Story

She looked up, her eyes puffed up and she just sat there staring at me.

Uncle Sizwe stood up and said, “Let me give you guys some space”.

“No Sizwe, sit down. I will tell her at my own time. Samke don’t worry Sizwe is just
drunk” – Mother

“Ma but obviously there is something you need to tell me. Why don’t you just tell
me now instead of keeping it from me? I will go crazy with worry because it’s
obviously important otherwise you wouldn’t be crying” – Me

“It’s the booze that’s making me cry. This is not important just carry on doing
what you were doing, read a book or something” – Mother

“Ayyy… I don’t know… Your mother is so stubborn Samke” – Uncle Sizwe

“Shut up wena Sizwe! Samke don’t worry my baby… Sizwe let’s finish this bottle
and then go to Pinky’s house. You are starting to bore me”, my mother said
slurring.

He shrugged his head and took a sip of his beer. He looked disappointed that my
mother had decided not to open up about whatever it was that was bothering
her.
64 | P a g e

There was obviously no convincing her so I took out my note book of song lyrics
and started writing a new song that I had just copied on a piece of paper from a
friend at school. Funny thing I know but we copied songs on books for fun. Yes in
those days we did not have easy excess to the internet. There was no Facebook,
twitter or Instagram. That was how we shared information and kept ourselves
entertained by writing it down on paper.

I was not going to let my mother spoil my day though. She did not even know that
I had just finished writing my matric exams. As much as I tried to forget what had
just happened… I could not stop thinking about what it was my mother was hiding
from me. I had a feeling it was not pleasant.

On the day that I was supposed to go on a date with Xolani, I sent him directions
as soon as I finished cleaning up. I did not send him directions to my place though.
I directed him to Tshepo’s house and we agreed to meet at two o’clock.

I then took a bath and got ready for my date. I wore my best outfit and put on a
small amount of make-up. I started making my way to Tshepo’s house around
one o’clock so I could spend a bit of time with Tshepo before Xolani picked me up.

When I got there the gate was locked, nobody was home. It was only twenty
minutes past one so I had to wait in the blazing sun for forty minutes. When I saw
a black BMW turn the corner I knew it had to be him. The car stopped right in
front of me. I could not see clearly through the windows because they were tinted
on top of everything I got so nervous that my palms started sweating. The age
difference between me and Xolani bothered me. I did not know his real age but I
knew the gap was big. That made me a bit self – conscious, I did not want to bore
him because we were worlds apart in term of life experience.

As I stood there trying to figure out whether I should open the door and jump in
or wait to make sure that it was really him, he opened the window on the
passenger side because it was nearest to me. It was him.
65 | P a g e

“Hey beautiful… Jump in and let’s go” – Xolani

In the movies the guys would come out and open the door for the lady but oh
well…

I opened the door and climbed in. The car smelled of leather and it was very neat
except for a pile of paper that lay on the back seat. As soon as I had gotten inside
the car and buckled my seat belt, he drove off.

“So is that where you stay?” – Xolani

“No, it’s where I used to stay” – Me

“So where do you stay now?” – Xolani

“On the other side about a kilometer and a half from here” – Me

“So you walked all the way from your place to here? Why didn’t you just direct
me to your place? I would have picked you up from there” – Xolani

“I did not want you to see where I lived just yet and don’t ask me why because it’s
complicated besides you are an older man and I don’t think my mother would
approve. Even though she is at work now, you know how the neighbours in the
township can talk” – Me
66 | P a g e

“I understand but I hope that one day you will tell me about the complicated
part” – Xolani

“Yes hopefully… We’ll see” – Me

“I have a place in mind… It’s in Morningside, I love their steak but maybe you
would like to go somewhere else?” – Xolani

The only eateries I knew were Spur and Wimpy.

“We can go to a place of your choice” – Me

“Okay… I think you will like it. Did I tell you how great you look?”- Xolani

“Thank you” – Me

“You seem nervous though… Relax I’m not a serial killer I promise” – Xolani

“Oh please… Even if you are, it’s too late for me to run now” I said with a smile on
my face.
67 | P a g e

He took me to a very nice steakhouse. We had some wine and a three course
meal. Xolani was such a good listener. He actually made me break out of my shell.
We talked and laughed. I ended up telling him things about myself that I did not
think I would talk about on a first date. I did not mention my domestic situation
though. I did tell him about my dream of going to college to study hairdressing.

He just sat and listened to me with a smile of admiration on his face.

I was very tipsy by the time we were done with our lunch. He suggested that we
go for a walk in a park nearby so we bought some ice cream and went there.

It was the most relaxing first date ever. I truly enjoyed myself. It felt like I had
known him for a long time. We kissed just before he took me back home. I asked
him to drop me off at Tshepo’s house. This time the gate was open so it meant
Tshepo was home. I asked him to park a few houses away though, just in case
Tshepo’s mother was back from work. We kissed goodbye and then he promised
to call me as soon as he got home. Just like that we were a couple. I couldn’t wait
to call Lerato and boast about my date with Xolani and of course the new
developments.

Just as I got to the gate, Thato’s car stopped behind me. He was with some girl
and they both came out of the car. I despised the guy after what he did to me but
I did not care that he was with another girl not after the wonderful afternoon I
had. He looked embarrassed when he saw me but I continued and made my way
to Tshepo’s room. Before I could even get to the door, I was greeted by the
familiar sound of loud house music.

“Knock knock… Finally you’re home” – Me

“Hey little sis’… It’s so good to see you”, he said as he came to give me a hug.
68 | P a g e

“I was here earlier but nobody was home. I just came to see you but I won’t stay
for long because Thato is here with some girl”, I said rolling my eyes.

“Listen Ntwana I should have warned you about Thato but I saw how happy you
were around him and I didn’t want to kill your joy” – Tshepo

“It’s okay… Old news anyway, I’ve moved on from him” – Me

Just as I finished talking Thato walked in. The girl was not with him anymore. He
probably left her in the car. I don’t know what Thato thought he was… Casanova?

He greeted Tshepo with that little fist trick thing that boys do then he turned to
me and said, “Hello Sasa”.

“Hello Thato… Tshepo can you please walk me to the gate, it’s getting late” – Me

“I can give you a lift home” – Thato

If he thought I would get in the back seat of his beat up Volkwagen with his little
whore in the front seat then he did not know Sasa.

I did not even respond to him. I just shot him a look that would have intimidated
even Mike Tyson.

“Yoh! Sorry” – Thato

69 | P a g e

“Let’s go Ntwana I will walk you half way. Thato I’m coming” – Tshepo

Tshepo walked with me for quite a while but I told him he could go back because
his friend was waiting for him. I walked the rest of the distance on my own.
Luckily there was nobody home when I got there so I brushed my teeth, washed
the warmer parts of my body and put on my pjamas. I had a take away meal that
Xolani had bought for dinner. My mother would sort herself out. I kept looking at
my phone hoping that Xolani would call. I decided to call Lerato.

“Girl… Dish out the news, how was your date with Mr Melville?” – Lerato

I told her all about it but as I was talking there was another incoming call. It was
Xolani.

“Hang up. I will call you back. Xolani’s calling” – Me

“Hi Samkelisiwe, did you get home safely?” – Xolani

“Yes I did, Thanks for asking. Did you get home safely?” – Me

“I’m not home yet” – Xolani

“Oh okay” – Me
70 | P a g e

“Do you mind looking out the window?” – Xolani

He could not have possibly been there? How would he know where I stayed?

I jumped to the window and pulled the curtain to the side a bit and there was his
car parked right outside our shack.
71 | P a g e

Chapter 11 – Sasa’s Story

“What are you doing here? How did you know where I stay?”- Me

“Why don’t you come outside and I will tell you how and why I came here” –
Xolani

“Xolani you will get me into so much trouble. My mother will be home anytime
and if she sees you here she will freak out” – Me

“Well then don’t waste any more time… I’m waiting,” he said as he hung up.

I was panicking. Why did he come back here and how did he know where to find
me. This seemed so strange to me but I was mostly embarrassed. I did not want
him to know that I stayed in a shack just yet. He would start treating me
differently just like everybody else does. I had to go and talk to him though before
my mother came back and embarrassed me even further so I switched off the TV,
locked the door and put the key in the hiding place then ran to his car and got
inside. He drove off immediately.

I kept looking back trying to see if there was anybody outside who might have
seen me going into Xolani’s car.

“Don’t worry… Even if they saw me so what? You’re a big girl Sasa, what you do
with your life is none of their business.
72 | P a g e

“Easy for you to say” – Me

“People will only interfere as much as you let them. If you ignore them and do
your thing eventually they will get tired of meddling” – Xolani

I could tell that he did not understand and it was pointless trying to explain.

I looked at myself and suddenly realized that I was in my pjamas. They were light
blue pjamas and the cartoon character at the center of the shirt made me look
like a child. I was so embarrassed. I wished I had changed but there was no time.

“Where are you driving to? I’m in my pjamas” – Me

“I’m driving to the petrol station. I just want a safe place to park so we can talk
but don’t worry the windows are tinted so nobody can see you. You look cute
though”, he said almost breaking into a smile.

“Shut up!” I said hitting him on the back.

We got to the petrol station and he found a dark spot where we could park and
then turned to me and said, “I just needed to see you again before I went home.
I’m sorry if I was out of line”

“How did you know where I stayed?” – Me

73 | P a g e

“Please don’t freak out but I got one of my employees to follow you guys after
you left the restaurant the other day. I just had to ensure that I could find you in
case you did not call. He complained about your friend’s bad driving though.
Please make sure that she goes for more driving lessons before you get into a car
driven by her again” – Xolani

“Well she just bought the car so she probably needs to get used to it. I am a bit
freaked out that you got someone to follow us though” – Me

“Please don’t read too much into it. I’m just a guy who wanted to make sure that
the beautiful rose he found does not slip away from him. Please forgive me” –
Xolani

I was glad that I had not lied and said I stayed at Tshepo’s house when he came to
pick me up earlier.

“You are forgiven but please don’t get people to follow me around again” – Me

He looked at me with a smile on his face and took my hand and placed it on his
lap.

“Sasa please don’t be embarrassed about where you are staying. It is a situation
out of your control. From what you told me earlier at lunch I gathered that you
have not had it easy in life and all I want to do is to help you turn things around. I
74 | P a g e

might have just met you but there is something so special about you. You really
blew me away” – Xolani

I could not help it, I started blushing. My cheeks had probably turned pink giving
me away. I was so touched by Xolani’s words.

“I don’t know what to say” – Me

“You don’t have to say anything. The real reason I’m here was to ask you to go to
Durban with me this weekend. There is a soccer match that I want to go and
watch. A few of my friends will be coming along with their partners and I would
love for you to accompany me” – Xolani

“How long would that trip be?” – Me

“We leave on Friday afternoon and come back on Sunday” – Xolani

“I don’t think my mother would allow that. I have never slept out not even once”
– Me

“You can tell her you are visiting your friend, what’s her name? The one you were
with” – Xolani

“Lerato” – Me
75 | P a g e

“Yes Lerato. I’m sure she won’t mind. It’s not like you still have school to worry
about. Have you been to Durban?” – Xolani

“No I have never even seen the sea” – Me

“Well then you will finally get to go to the beach” – Xolani

“Okay then. I will go with you” – Me

He smiled and said, “You have just made my day”.

We talked a little bit more and then he offered to take me back home.

“Do you have swimwear?” – Xolani

I actually never owned any swimwear.

“No” – Me

He got out of the car and opened the boot, minutes later he came back in the car.

He held out some bank notes. It looked like a lot of money.

76 | P a g e

“Here… You can buy yourself one and whatever else you need” –Xolani

“This is so much” – Me

“Take it… There’s more where that came from” – Xolani

I took the money. I could not wait to count it. I had never held so much money in
my hand. I could not believe this man. Maybe this was God’s way of giving me a
breather. I was so happy I wanted to scream out loud with excitement.

He drove me home and luckily my mother was not back. I asked him to park down
the road and I would walk to my place but he refused… So he was stubborn as
well.

When I was home I started counting the money. It was a lot of fifty Rand notes, in
total it was two thousand rand. That was a lot of money in those days. I still could
not believe he gave me all that money. I hid it inside a school book and put it in
my school bag because I knew my mother never opened my bag.

I found myself having to hide my money when I had some because my mother
would just take it without asking. I also did not want her to question me about
where I got it from. I still had to figure out how I was going to ask her to go away
that weekend but I decided I would just use Xolani’s idea and tell her I was going
to visit Lerato. I called Lerato and asked her to cover for me should my mother
phone her and just like I thought she agreed. She was just as excited as I was
when I told her about Xolani’s invitation.
77 | P a g e

The following day I woke up very early so I could finish my chores and go to the
mall. I only slept for a few hours because I was so excited. I loved the feeling of
having money because I always had to put coins together for whatever I needed. I
was energized.

I used only five hundred rand to buy clothes and swimwear. I also bought some
sandals but I went to the cheaper stores. I wanted to save as much as I could. I
then used two hundred rand to buy a small suitcase and a toiletry bag.

When my mother got home that day I asked her if I could go and visit Lerato. She
just said, “Go Samke! You are always cooped up in this shack like a mother hen.
Just leave me her cellphone number in case I can’t get a hold of you”

I was ready to go.

That Friday afternoon I left the house, luggage in tow, as if I was going to catch a
taxi to Lerato’s place but I took a taxi to Sandton and dropped off where Xolani
and I had arranged to meet. He was already there. We drove to Kempton Park. I
knew these areas a bit more since I started doing hair.

“Aren’t we driving the wrong direction?” – Me

“No, we are going to the airport because we are flying to Durban” – Xolani

The smile on my face was priceless. I was going to be in a plane for the first time!

He smiled too.

“Is it going to be your first time?” – Xolani

78 | P a g e

“Yes” – Me

“Don’t worry planes are quite safe so don’t be scared” – Xolani

The airport looked so big and complicated. I wondered how he knew where to go
because I sure as hell was lost. I felt a bit dumb. We went to a counter where we
checked in our luggage and then he suggested that we go for lunch while we wait
for boarding time. I did not know what he was talking about but I just followed
and observed.

After lunch he checked his watch and told me it was time to go. We walked a bit
and got to the boarding gate where our hand luggage was scanned and so were
we. We then went to yet another waiting area. A couple of minutes later there
was an announcement on the intercom and then everyone stood up. Xolani
produced our tickets, we walked a bit on some walkway that looked like a tunnel
and then the next thing we were being greeted by an airhostess and just like that
we were inside the plane. I have always thought it happened differently but I was
amazed.

The rush I got when the plane took off was priceless. For most of the trip I just
looked out the window in awe. We were actually flying over the clouds. Xolani
just sat reading a magazine. Obviously it was nothing new to him. The next thing I
knew I was asked what I wanted to drink so I asked for a coke. I thought we would
be travelling for longer but in much less than an hour the plane started turning
and I could see the buildings and the sea. It was a beautiful site. The plane started
descending which made my ears pop and it was a bit scary until we landed. We
were already in Durban. I could not believe how much I had missed out on
because of poverty.

After collecting our luggage and the rental car we drove to the hotel. The air in
Durban was different. It was definitely refreshing. Xolani told me that his friends
79 | P a g e

would be joining us later because they were driving down. He told me they
enjoyed the drive because it gave them time to bond. When I asked him why we
did not drive, he told me it was because he wanted to give me a different
experience. I was not complaining.

What a man. I was the happiest girl in the world!

80 | P a g e

Chapter 12 – Sasa’s Story

At the hotel we freshened up and got ready to meet Xolani’s friends and their
partners for dinner. They turned out to be a very nice bunch. We later went
clubbing and only came back in the early hours of the morning. I did not drink too
much but Xolani had quite a lot to drink. Seeing him with his friends helped me to
understand him a bit more.

He tried to kiss me when we went to bed but I just looked the other way and
pretended to be asleep. A few minutes later he had passed out. The next day he
took me to the beach and then we went to the stadium to watch the soccer
match. That evening we did not have dinner with his friends though. We had
dinner alone at the dining area of the hotel where we were staying. It was a
beautiful, romantic setting with candle light. We talked and I ended up telling him
about my childhood hardships. He sat and listened sympathetically touching my
hand over the table now and then. Reliving those memories made me very
emotional plus the wine was not helping so Xolani suggested that we go upstairs
to our hotel room and talk some more in private.

We ordered desert and another bottle of wine from room service. We talked all
night and before I knew it we were kissing. I was on cloud nine and I did not want
it to end.

We got very intimate and ended up lying on the bed. We made love that night. It
was extremely painful at first but I relaxed into it. All I kept thinking was ‘I cannot
believe I’m having sex’ but he was very gentle. As I lay on his chest after the deed
he kept running his fingers through my hair and then he asked, “You were a virgin
weren’t you?”

He had figured it out. From the way in which he touched me and how he had
made love to me, I could tell he had a lot of experience.
81 | P a g e

“Yes I was” – Me

He kissed me on the top of my head.

“I cannot believe how lucky I am to have found you” – Xolani

“What is it with men and virgins?” – Me

“It says a lot about you in this day and age. It’s quite rare to find a girl that has
gone through anything similar to what you have been through and still managed
to keep their virginity” – Xolani

“Okay so you popped it”, I said laughing.

He laughed too and then got serious again, “It’s a serious issue and I promise to
not make you regret sharing that special moment with me. I will give you the
honor you deserve”.

I looked up at him trying to turn my head as much as I could from that position.

“What do you mean” – Sasa

82 | P a g e

“I’m just thinking out loud” – Xolani

Finally at eighteen I had broken my virginity.

The following day we travelled back home. I was so sad because we had such a
good time and now I had to go back to my miserable life. I did not want it to end
but I could not run away from the fact that I still had to go home.

When I got home, my mother was lying in bed passed out. I just unpacked my
clothes and started cleaning up. The place was totally filthy. It looked like she had
not lifted a finger since the day I left. When I was done I called Lerato and told her
about everything that happened in Durban.

“Oh my lady… You are no longer a girl now you are a woman. I must give Xolani a
hand. He managed to finally undo the seal!” – Lerato

“Aaarggghh… You can be so dramatic. I miss you” – Me

“You should come and visit for real this time” – Lerato
83 | P a g e

Three years later…

A lot had happened in the last three years. Xolani had paid my fees and I had gone
to an FET college for a period of eighteen months to do a course in hairdressing.
He had assisted in making one of my dreams come true. Lerato and I were still
friends even though we did not see each other so often but Zodwa had just
stopped all contact since she got married and started working, we were there as
her brides maids and all. We were very supportive but maybe we were not good
enough as friends anymore since we were still single. I did not understand that
but then again people were complicated. I had made some new friends at College
even though we did different courses. We were a group of four ladies Sizakele,
Lebo, Palesa and me. They were friends that I partied with but Lerato was still my
main girl.

My mother was still drinking but she had stopped drinking on weekdays, she
stopped after Tshepo’s mother had caught her drinking at work but then she
would make up for it on weekends, she would get motherless drunk. She was still
working at the supermarket though and we were still living in the shack we called
home. We were not suffering anymore because Xolani made sure that we had
everything we needed. My mother knew about Xolani but had never met him
officially.

I had stopped doing people’s hair for money because all my time was spent at
school and almost every weekend was spent with Xolani. My mother still had not
revealed the big secret she was keeping from me. I knew it was big because on a
number of occasions uncle Sizwe had raised the topic but she refused to budge.

Yes, uncle Sizwe was still in the picture. At least he made sure that my mother did
not start sleeping around again.

That day we were celebrating my twenty first birthday at Xolani’s house. It was
just the two of us. I came to find that he was a very private person. Apart from his
84 | P a g e

small group of friends and some family members nobody ever really came to his
house. He did not enjoy being in a crowd with the exception of soccer matches
and the occasional get together with friends. He was a lover of soccer and we
would often go to the soccer stadium together to watch the matches.

Xolani’s house was a three bedroomed house with a Jacuzzi and swimming pool,
the works. It was situated in Bedfordview. I loved spending time there. I felt so
comfortable as if it were my own. I would almost burst into tears everytime he
dropped me off at home. I came to find that Xolani was a lucrative business man.
He owned a holding company that was in charge of a lot of businesses all around
the country so he travelled quite a bit. Sometimes he would take me with. I had
been to a lot of places as a result of tagging along.

That afternoon we were grilling some meat outside, no let me be honest, Xolani
was grilling the meat and I was enjoying the afternoon sun by the pool with a
glass of rose’ in my hand. I loved the pool ever since Xolani had taught me how to
swim.

“My love, can you please get me a beer from the fridge. If I leave the meat will
burn” – Xolani

“Sure… Anything else?”- Me

“Nothing else, thanks sweetie” – Xolani

I went to the bathroom first because I was a bit pressed after all the rose’ I had
drank. I got the beer from the fridge and then went back outside and handed it to
him.
85 | P a g e

“Please put it on the table” – Xolani

I put the beer on the table but then I noticed a small black box lying on the table.

“What is this?” I asked picking it up.

“Open it and see” – Xolani

I opened the box and inside there was a diamond ring.

A lot of things raced through my mind. I could not believe what I was seeing.

“Do you like it?” – Xolani

“Is this some sort of joke Xolani?” – Me

I wouldn’t put it pass him because he joked a lot. I could not wrap my head
around what I was seeing because it came totally unexpected.

“Okay let me do this properly” – Xolani

He stepped away from the griller and took the ring from my hand.
86 | P a g e

He did not kneel but he stood in front of me and said, “Samkelisiwe will you marry
me?”

There was love flowing through his warm, brown eyes. I could not help but shed a
tear.

“Of course I will marry you Mr Gibe” – Me

He gave me a warm hug and we stayed like that for a few minutes without saying
a word to each other. Our hearts were having a conversation.

I did not wear my ring until Xolani wrote a letter to my mom asking to send his
uncles over so they could start lobola negotiations. My mother had bragged to
the whole township telling them that her daughter was marrying a tycoon.

The lobola negotiations went very smoothly… Uncle Sizwe and Tshepo had
represented our side of the family. I was glad that my mother was not part of the
negotiations for fear of embarrassment. Luckily she did not drink a lot for the
formal part of it but after Xolani’s family left, she drank like there was no
tomorrow.

I did not mind so much because at least she had shown a bit of respect by not
doing it in front of them. Xolani was okay because he already knew about my
mother’s alcohol abuse.

As we sat on the bench together outside the shack he suddenly said, “Move in
with me”.

“Are you being serious?” – Me

87 | P a g e

“Traditionally you are my wife now so it does not make sense for you to stay here
anymore. I think your mother will thank you for it too” – Xolani

The grin on my face was priceless.

We did not waste time. By the end of that week I had moved all my belongings,
which were mostly clothes and books. I had then officially moved in with Xolani.
My mother would disappear every time I would start packing. I knew she was
happy for me but I also knew how difficult it must have been for her to see me go.
We had been through hell and back together but we were always together and
now we were being separated. I tried to assure her that I would visit often but she
would just cry and walk out. That part was very difficult for me as well but I
embraced it because it was the beginning of a new life for me. I wished she could
just be happy for me.
88 | P a g e

Chapter 13 – Sasa’s Story

The first two years of living with Xolani were both challenging and beautiful. A
year after I had moved in, we had a ceremony called umembeso which is a
ceremony in the Zulu culture where the groom’s family showers the bride’s family
with gifts as a form of showing appreciation for giving them a daughter in law.
The ceremony was held at Tshsepo’s house because it was even more
inappropriate to have it at our rented shack. Tshepo’s mother was more
supportive through- out the whole thing than my mother was. She helped me
with preparations and even gave Xolani a discount for all the groceries we bought
at her supermarket for the ceremony, not that he needed it but we were still
grateful. She gave me the gift of dignity once again. I would always treasure that
woman for everything she had done for us. She was one in a million.

Instead of lending a helping hand my mother embarrassed me in front of my in-

laws by getting so drunk that she had to be carried to the car and taken home
that day. I was against having this ceremony because I feared that she would do
that but Xolani’s mom had insisted since I told them that I was from a Zulu family
and she was also a Zulu woman even though she had married into a Xhosa family.
I did not even know if it was completely true but my mother had always told me
she came from a Zulu family. Xolani’s mother never really liked me but I did not
know why. She had this façade of grandeur so I suppose I did not fit into the
image of the perfect family she had so wanted to create. I felt that she thought I
was not good enough for her son and my mother’s behavior at the wedding just
added onto her beliefs. It took a long time for me to forgive my mother but Xolani
had encouraged me to.
89 | P a g e

In spite of all the challenges that had taken place. I was overall a happy woman. It
took a lot of time for me to get used to living in a big house with a helper. There
was a young lady from Lesotho that came to the house three times a week to do
the laundry, clean the house and even cook. I was not used to having someone
else do all those things for me besides I had nothing else to do with my time since
I still had not found work. I had to just let it be though because letting her go
would mean I was taking bread away from the mouths she had to feed. She
resigned not so long after I had moved in though without any explanation. I did
not mind, in fact I was glad so I spoke to Xolani to not find a replacement for her
because I could do the work that she did with no problem at all after all I did that
my whole life. I never had a father figure in my life and I had never lived in a
house with male authority so I had to learn by myself how to be a wife to my
husband. It was not easy but I managed.

I drifted away from the friends I had hung around with in College. They would call
me for drinks and I always had an excuse because Xolani did not like them and he
did not like it when I went out partying. That was the only thing I ever did with
those girls so not being able to party anymore meant we had nothing keeping us
together. I suppose that was one of the things one had to let go when married to
a certain type of man. Xolani grew up in the Eastern Cape where traditional
practices were taken very seriously. Unlike me he was raised by both parents and
understood what marriage entailed so I trusted his leadership and I let him be the
head of our household.

I still kept Lerato as a friend. Xolani did not mind that. Lerato and I were able to
do a lot more together now that I had money. We would go shopping, go out for a
meal and visit each other regularly. Lerato was still working as a beauty therapist
and she was still being financed by all sorts of rich men but I did not judge her
anymore. I accepted that it was the only way she knew how to survive and I did
not have to agree with that but she was still my friend.
90 | P a g e

We had gotten very close over the years and even though I had only ever slept
with one man, I was much older so we could relate a lot more regardless of the
fact that she was now in her early thirties.

I had just turned twenty three and Xolani was thirty eight. There was a big age
gap between us but it did not feel like it at all. I actually thought it was an
advantage because he was much more experienced and secure in his career. It cut
out a lot of crap.

On a normal day I would wake up and prepare a lunchbox for my husband which
would normally be left- overs from the previous night because he liked my
cooking. He loved everything I made even though I had been forced to broaden
my cooking skills because I was not living with limited resources anymore. I would
then make him some breakfast and start cleaning the house. I would normally be
done by ten o’clock and then I would take a shower and dress up. I always dreamt
of being queen and owning a big house so it felt like I was living my dream. I
wanted it to be perfect. I discovered that I was a bit of a perfectionist too.
Everything had to be and look just right for me to be satisfied that included
myself. I would visit the spa where Lerato worked to have my nails done and I
booked for regular facials and I would sometimes treat myself with a massage.
Lerato introduced me to waxing too so I would wax regularly, Hollywood, legs,
armpits and eyebrows. I could afford all this. Xolani made sure that I had enough
money with me at all times but he never let me use his cards. He would deposit
money into my account. I was a very well kept house wife and I was loving it. My
life goals had changed. I no longer wanted to be a successful hair-dresser. I just
wanted to be the perfect wife to my husband.

Xolani was not complaining in fact he always told me how lucky he was to have
me as a wife. I still had to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. My life
had changed just like that. Everything started changing the day I met Xolani that is
the reason I cherished my husband. I did everything I could to show him my
appreciation especially in the bedroom. Lerato had shown me this shop that sold
beautiful lingerie. I bought the provocative ones on a regular basis to tease my
husband and he really enjoyed that.
91 | P a g e

I would be lying if I said we had a perfect marriage though because we had our
differences and obstacles. Xolani would go on these drinking binges with his
friends at least once a month and he would come home very late, sometimes in
the early hours of the morning. One night he did not come home at all but I
forgave him because he came back with one of his friends and they explained that
they had both gotten too drunk to drive so they slept over at their other friend’s
house. I believed him. I just hated it when he got drunk because it reminded me
of my struggles with my mother. He also hated it when I had too much to drink
because he would always tell me that he was scared I would end up like my
mother. That hurt because I felt that he would always judge me based on my
mother’s habits. It also did not sit well with me that I compromised my lifestyle
for him but he was not willing to change his habits for me but then again I would
remind myself that he deserved to have a bit of fun here and there because he
worked very hard.

One Friday afternoon as I was sitting in the lounge making a scrapbook, just so we
could capture some memories of our marriage, Xolani came in through the
kitchen door.

“Hi my love”, he said as he kissed me on the lips.

“Hey babe… What are you doing home so early?” – Xolani

“Well I thought I should fetch you so we can collect your mother in Alex. I have a
surprise for both of you” – Xolani
92 | P a g e

“What is it?” – Me

“It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you now would it? Put on your shoes and let’s
go” – Xolani

“Xolani it’s a Friday. You know that my mother will not be home” – Me

“Don’t worry I called her. She is waiting for us” - Xolani

I knew she would stay put because whenever Xolani and I went to see her
together, he would give her some money. That woman loved money because it
meant more beer for her.

I still went to visit my mother maybe once a month and I would phone her to
check that she was okay. She was still my mother at the end of the day but I hated
going home. That shack just held a lot of unpleasant memories but I would
remind myself how happy I once was to have it as a home when we had nothing.

I put on my shoes and we went to collect my mother from work.

Luckily she was still sober because she had been at work.

We drove through Alex and Xolani turned on a street not far from Tshepo’s
house. I had no idea where we were going. We drove a bit more until we reached
a house that looked like it had just been extended. It looked very nice from the
outside. It was one of only two big houses in that street. It was surrounded by
those box houses one would typically see in the township.
93 | P a g e

“Please join me inside” - Xolani

“Mkhwenyana (Son in law) I hope we are not going to stay long here. I’m so tired.
What are we doing here?” – Mother

“Just come ma… We won’t be long” – Xolani

I followed them as we all went in. The house did not have a gate so we went
straight in. When we got to the front door Xolani took out a key from his pocket
and handed it to my mother.

“Open your house ma. This is your own key, for your own house and nobody will
ever bother you here” – Xolani

My mother just stood there with her mouth wide open, looking shocked. I don’t
think what Xolani had just said registered in her mind just yet. I just covered my
mouth with both hands as I tried to stop the tears from flowing but it was too
much of a task and they just flowed.

“What are you saying to me Mkhwenyana?” my mother asked when she could
finally speak.

“I am saying from today you do not have to live in that shack anymore this is your
home now. This is your house” – Xolani
94 | P a g e

My mother threw her hands up to her head and started skipping around crying.
Her reaction made me cry even more. Xolani rubbed my shoulders trying to
comfort me. This had been my dream ever since I could remember. My mother
finally had her own house. After what seemed like an eternity my mother took
the key from Xolani and unlocked the door. Inside the house was fully furnished
and ready for occupation except there were still strong paint fumes. It was
tastefully done too. My mother could not stop crying. I had never seen my mother
so happy, ever!
95 | P a g e

Chapter 14 – Sasa’s Story

“What are you doing to me Mkhwenyana? Oh Lord what is this? Am I dreaming?

Thank you so much my children…” was all she kept saying.

I was so proud of my husband. I was so grateful. He made my biggest dream come

true.

When my mother and I had finally calmed down, we looked around the house for
quite a while making plans and appreciating the beauty of it. We kept crying
because we both remembered the cold night we spent under the steps at the
stadium with nowhere to go and all the things we went through that had led us
there. A few years later my mother owned a piece of land under the sky which
was a place we could call home for generations to come. My heart was filled with
joy. I was happier than I was even at my umembeso. My mother’s face had just lit
up. You could tell she was in disbelief. It would probably take a while for all this to
sink in just like it had taken me a while to embrace my new home when I had
moved in with Xolani.

My mother never touched a single drop of alcohol again after that day. She just
stopped, just like that. It was horrible seeing her shaking and sweating from
withdrawals for a while but after that she was fine. I went to see her every day to
encourage her when I heard from uncle Sizwe that she had quit alcohol. All I
wanted to do was move her out of the environment that would trigger her to
relapse. I had to speed up the move to her new house so I helped her to pack and
also helped her to move all her belongings.
96 | P a g e

Two years ago I had started driving lessons and after I got my license, Xolani
bought me a car. It was a BMW identical to his, only the colour was different. My
car was red in colour. I loved my car not only for its beauty and comfort but also
because it made life so much easier. I would never forget the first day I drove
down our dusty street in Alex. All the neighbours came out to look as they
pointed. All of a sudden I was ‘sis Samke’. The respect they showed me that day
was unbelievable. It rattled me when I saw just how petty people could be. I
mean I was the same Samke that they had ridiculed and looked down on all these
years the only thing that had changed was that I now drove a red BMW and I got
married to a successful businessman. The treatment changed drastically. I could
not say I was not happy though because I was. I had finally shown them that I
could be something either than the poor child of a drunkard.

We used my car to move all of my mother’s stuff to the new house. We

transported only the necessary things like clothes and important documents to
the new house. She left the rest of the stuff behind and gave away most of it.
Xolani insisted that we take nothing from that shack except her clothes. She
insisted on taking the small TV that I had bought when I was in high school. She
wanted to keep it because it reminded her of a lot. She kept it in her bedroom at
her new house. Xolani had even installed DSTV for her but she could only watch
the other channels on the TV in the lounge. I would sometimes catch her looking
around at the walls and then shaking her head in disbelief. It was worlds apart
from what she was used to.

It was a Friday afternoon exactly two weeks after Xolani’s massive surprise. I had
asked him earlier in the week if I could spend the weekend at my mother’s new
house just to help her settle in. He agreed that it was a good idea plus I had
started enjoying her company ever since she’s been sober. She was not herself
completely but she had improved immensely. I loved the feeling of being at home
in a normal house with my mother. We had dreamt of such and I wished it had
97 | P a g e

happened in my childhood but everything happens at a certain time for a reason

only known to God I believed.

I packed some clothes for the weekend in a small suitcase before Xolani came
home from work. I prepared dinner and made sure there were frozen meals for
him in the fridge for the rest of the weekend. I knew my husband very well. If I did
not make sure he was fed he would starve to death because he was hopeless in
the kitchen. He did not even know how to make edible eggs.

I waited for him to come home before I could leave then I drove off to my
mother’s house. It felt so good to be able to say that… my mother’s house. I was
looking forward to having our big wedding now that I had a proper home.

I decided to get some food from Spur as I passed a small shopping center. I knew
how much she loved their ribs but I realized that I had left my card at home as I
was paying luckily I had cash with me and it was just enough to pay for the food.

My mother was expecting me and she was so happy to see me arrive. We had a
great evening together. We talked about a lot of things. She apologized for
shaming me and for being an absent mother while she was drowning in alcohol.
We both cried about it and she promised to make up for the lost time and
expressed how much she wished she could turn back the hands of time. I forgave
her and told her how happy I was to have her back.

“But ma I feel like there is something you are not telling me. Remember the other
night when you were crying and uncle Sizwe kept telling you that you should tell
me something? What were you supposed to tell me?” – Me

“Samkelisiwe you know that I have missed years of watching you grow into this
intelligent young woman and I put so much more strain on you on top of
everything that you had to deal with because of my battle with alcohol. I could
not burden you even more with this secret. I made the mistake of telling Sizwe
because otherwise I was going to take this to the grave. Can you give me some
98 | P a g e

time to verify some things now that I’m sober and then I will tell you everything?
Can you be patient with me until then?” – Mother

“Does this secret have anything to do with your alcohol abuse?” –Me

“You could say that but there is something else that finally pushed me to give up
on life and I will tell you what it is when I reveal this other secret to you. I just
want you to know that none of the things I will reveal to you are your fault. It is
nothing you have done” – Mother

“I suppose I can wait a little bit more if I could wait for years” – Me

“Please be patient with me until I’m ready to tell you” – Mother

I did not want to push her too hard for fear of pushing her to drink again so I let it
go. I loved having my mother back and so I gave her a hug spontaneously. She
laughed and hugged me back.

“Tell me something sisi, how are you dealing with being a married woman?” –
Mother

“It was hard in the beginning ma because I did not know what was expected of
me as a wife. I had nobody to give me direction I could not talk to you because…”
– Me
99 | P a g e

“Because I was drunk all the time, it’s okay baby you can say it” – Mother

“Yes and I could not talk to Xolani’s mom either because she does not really like
me” – Me

“I sensed that she was a bit cold towards you and I did not help matters by getting
drunk at your ceremony” – Mother

“She is just stuck up ma. It’s not only because of you. Anyway I got used to it and
Xolani is very supportive so it’s working out very well. I am a pro at being a
housewife now” – Me

“Are you happy?”- Mother

“I’m very happy ma. Xolani is treating me very well” – Me

“I see how your face immediately lights up when you talk about him so I will sleep
peacefully” – Mother

We talked until midnight then we said our prayers and went to bed.

The next morning after I helped my mother around the house I decided to go and
fetch my card at my house. I could not go through the weekend without any
money so I told my mother where I was going and assured her that I would be
back.
100 | P a g e

When I got home, I opened the garage and saw my husband’s car there. It meant
he was home so I parked and went in. The house was quiet so I thought he might
have been still sleeping. I checked the kitchen and his study but there was nobody
there so I walked through the passage and pushed our bedroom door open.

“Wakey… wakey… sleepy head…”

Right in front of my eyes there was my husband having sex in our bed with
another woman. The sound of the door opening must have scared him because
he stopped and jumped off the bed.

“Shit! I thought you were at home with your mother” - Xolani

I could not believe who I saw lying on my bed after being fucked by my husband.
How could Lerato do that to me? How?

She did not even flinch. She just picked up a dress that was lying on the floor,
pulled it on and walked out of the bedroom while I stood there in shock.

My husband also just pulled a towel and wrapped it around his waist. He did not
say a single word and he could not even look at me.

His reaction or lack of it just infuriated me. I felt like something had possessed me
and I ran to him with the intention of beating him back to reality but he was too
strong for me. He just grabbed my arms and pinned me down on the bed. I finally
managed to free myself but then he punched me so hard I landed on the floor and
immediately felt blood ooze through my nose.

I slowly stood up, looking back at him… numb with shock.

101 | P a g e

Chapter 15 – Sasa’s Story

I could not believe what had just happened in less than five minutes. I felt like I
was stuck in some sort of nightmare and wished I could wake up and realize that I
was just dreaming. When it finally sunk in that this was truly happening I broke
down and knelt on the floor crying. There was blood everywhere. I even had
blood coming out of my mouth. Xolani immediately went down on his knees and
lifted my face so he could see the damage he had done.

“I’m so sorry my love… Oh, what have I done?” – Xolani

The strangest thing was that I had no tears, I did not cry. I just knew I did not want
him close to me but I had no strength to fight him off. Instead I stood up and went
straight to the kitchen to get some ice. I knew I would swell up very badly.

I put a few ice cubes in a dish towel and placed it on my face.

I then went to the mirror so I could check the damage on my face. I had a large
purple bruise around my eye all the way to the side of my nose. It was beginning
to swell up. The physical pain was nothing compared to how I was feeling inside. I
had just caught my husband in bed with my best friend and on top of everything
he hit me.

He did not follow me instead he went outside. I did not know what to do with
myself. I felt like I could not breath, all I knew was I had to get out of that house. I
went back into the bedroom where I had dropped my car keys after being
attacked by my husband, took my keys and looked for my bank card which I found
and made my way to the garage. Xolani was still outside but he did not see me
leave. I wondered where Lerato had disappeared to, not that I cared but it was a
102 | P a g e

good thing she had made herself scarce because I did not know what I would have
done to her if I saw her.

In the car I put on my sunglasses to hide the bruise on my face and started
driving. I did not know where I was going. I had just told my mother how happy I
was with Xolani and now I had to go back to her with a massive injury on my face.
I drove to the parking of the small shopping center down the road and found a
secluded spot where I cried until I ran out of tears. So all this time the girl that I
had trusted with my life was busy sleeping with my husband? I wondered how
long they had been doing this. I confided in her about problems in my marriage,
my fears and my most confidential thoughts, she would empathize and give me
advise and offer a shoulder to cry on knowing fully well that she was sleeping with
my husband. Was he supporting her lifestyle like the other married men she
screwed for money? I had so many questions but the more I thought about it was
the angrier I got. When I had calmed down a bit, I decided to go back to my
mother’s house. There was no way I was going back to my own house.

When I arrived at home, all the doors were locked but I found the keys in the new
hiding place. I was relieved that my mother was at least not home. It would give
me time to gather my thoughts. I drank some water and immediately went to
sleep. When I woke up, my mother was standing next to my bed, tapping my
shoulder.

“Samkelisiwe, what happened to your face? Who did this to you?” – Mother

“Hi ma… I got into a fight with some lady at the mall after fetching the card from
my house” – Me
103 | P a g e

“I can’t believe you are still calling the deranged woman who did this to you a
lady. I’ve never known you to be violent so she must have really upset you. Let me
get some ice for you. It’s not looking good” – Mother

My mother never even suspected that I was lying. Why would she even think her
‘kind hearted son in-law’ would think of doing something like this to his wife?

She got me some ice, gave me some pain medication and told me to sleep a bit
more. I was grateful for the space she gave me. I needed to be alone.

I reached out for my phone but then realized it was not there. I searched my
handbag but it was not there either. ‘I probably left it in the car, I thought to
myself’… I slept like a baby and only woke up the next morning. To my surprise I
heard voices in the lounge. I looked at the clock and it was only seven in the
morning. Who could have been visiting my mother so early? I threw on my
dressing gown and went to the bathroom. I could hardly see on the left side of my
eye. When I checked in the mirror I realized that the skin around that eye was
swollen. I could not even recognize myself, I looked terrible. I brushed my teeth
and went back to my room but then my mother came in after me.

“You’re awake… Samke your husband is here. Let me see that eye?” – Mother

The nerve of that man…

“What is he doing here?” – Me

104 | P a g e

“You must get something for that eye sisi... He said he brought your phone back
because you left it at your house. I told him about the fight you had. He wants to
see you” – Mother

I couldn’t exactly refuse to see him because my mother would get suspicious so I
stood up and followed her to the lounge.

He stood up as I came in then came and held me in his arms.

I wanted to scream. I wanted him as far away from me as possible but I could not
let my mother see how I truly felt. How would she feel knowing that her perfect
son in law who had just bought her a house was the one who did this to me? It
would break her and possibly push her back into alcoholism. I had to pretend like I
was just as happy to see him. I put my index finger against my lips signaling to him
to keep quiet about what had really happened. He nodded in agreement.

“My love, please get dressed so I can take you to the doctor. You must have that
eye checked” – Xolani

“I agree with you Mkhwenyana. It’s not looking so good” – Mother

“It will be fine, it’s just swollen but when the swelling goes down it won’t look so
bad” – Me

“I still think you should see a doctor Samke. They can give you something to treat
it” – Mother
105 | P a g e

“Okay… seems like I won’t win this one. I will go and get ready” – Me

I went and took a quick bath and then got dressed. I was planning to come back to
my mother’s place after the visit to the doctor so I did not take any of my stuff.

“I’m ready. We can go,” I said looking at Xolani.

He could not even look me in the eye.

“Ma we will be back soon” – Xolani

We left in his car. There was silence for the first couple of minutes until he spoke.

“My love I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. That girl must have
bewitched me because I do not know what came over me” –Xolani

I did not respond. I kept quiet as I fixed my sunglasses.

“Please say something Samke. I need you to talk to me please” – Xolani

“I have nothing to say to you Xolani. Can we just go to the doctor and come back.
I will stay with my mother until I feel strong enough to deal with all this” – Me
106 | P a g e

“Thank you for not telling your mother the truth about what happened. I don’t
know how I would have been able to face her” – Xolani

“I did not do it for you. I hope you are clear on that” – Me

I had to lie to the doctor and tell him that I got involved in a fight with some
woman. That was my story and I was sticking to it. I could tell that he did not buy
it one bit because he started telling me about women abuse and cases that
should be opened. I was not listening to a word he said. Opening a case against
Xolani was out of the question. How would I live if Xolani were to be stuck in jail?

The doctor prescribed some ointment and medication for me. We then went to
buy everything at the pharmacy. Xolani then drove to a restaurant down the road
and insisted on having breakfast. As much as I insisted he take me home, he was
not having it.

“Your mother will surely know that something is up if you go home this upset. We
need to fix this” – Xolani

“I am not ready to even talk to you right now” – Me

“I know what I did to you was horrible but I just want you to give me a chance to
explain” – Xolani

“Okay… You better make it quick because I do not want to be seen in public
looking like this” – Me
107 | P a g e

I wanted to hear what he had to say.

We went into the restaurant and ordered some coffee and breakfast.

“Samke, your friend did not make it a secret that she wanted to sleep with me
from day one. She kept coming to my restaurant in Melville and she would flirt
with me. I resisted her seduction until one day when I bumped into her at my
friend’s house. I did not even know she knew some of those people”- Xolani

“Well Lerato has always been a party person and I think she has slept with half
the married men in Joburg” – Me

“Anyway, she tricked me into taking her home claiming she was too drunk to
drive and when we got to her place she just threw herself onto me. I was drunk
myself and could not think clearly so I gave into the temptation” – Xolani

“Oh right… you will obviously blame everything on her because she is not here to
defend herself” – Me

“I promise you that’s the truth. That was the only other time it happened and
yesterday she came to the house looking for you. I told her you were at your
mother’s place and yet again she seduced me. That is when you walked in on us”
– Xolani
108 | P a g e

“She knew that I was not home because I told her I would be spending the
weekend in Alex. How did she even get to our place because her car was not
there when I arrived” – Me

“I don’t know but obviously she planned this. That is why she did not come in her
own car so that the neighbors would not see her driving in. There would be no
evidence of her ever being there” – Xolani

“Oh and poor Xolani was just the victim in all this. You know I’m somehow not so
surprised about Lerato’s behavior because she has always been a loose girl even
though I did not expect her to do something like this to me. She has been my best
friend since I was in high school. As for you, the one who promised to love and
protect me, to then go and stab me in the back like this and on top of everything
you hit me in front of her. I have no words for you” – Me

“Please forgive me my love. I grew up seeing that kind of abusive behavior at

home and it is the only defense mechanism I know. I was wrong and I promise
you that it will never happen again” – Xolani

“Please take me home” – Me

109 | P a g e

Chapter 16 – Sasa’s Story

I spent the next week at home and I did a lot of soul searching and found a place
of forgiveness in my heart. Marriage was not easy and I was advised of situations
like this so I decided to forgive my husband. However I was not willing to forgive
Lerato because she hurt me even more than Xolani did. How could she be so
conniving and on top of everything it did not seem as though she felt any remorse
for what she did. I would never forget the look on her face as she got dressed and
left my bedroom after sleeping with my husband. She was a manipulative,
calculating bitch and I wanted nothing more to do with her. It would not be such a
big problem letting her go, all my life I have had to let people go like they did not
exist. My childhood had made me strong and expectant of betrayal but I still hurt
when it happened.

I left my mother’s place to go back to my marital home that weekend. When I got
there the house was immaculate. Xolani had even changed the bed linen in our
room and replaced it with a new one. He had thrown the other one out.

It took me a while to get over his scandalous behavior but he treated me like a
queen for the months to follow. I had finally healed on my face and we were
happy again. There were still a lot of trust issues but that would take a while to
resolve anyway.

For the rest of that year Xolani made sure that I had everything I needed, he even
took me on holiday to Zanzibar. It was the first time I had ever been out of South
Africa. I was a kept wife and I loved it. I did not really get bored. He encouraged
me to find new hobbies and I had even joined a tennis club. I was living the
dream. From time to time I would go and see my mother and she was doing very
well. She would even come to my house and help me wash curtains and windows
110 | P a g e

and then we would have dinner together. Everything was going well until one
evening when Xolani came back from one of his chilling sessions. He was drunk.

“Where is my food?” – Xolani

“It’s in the microwave,” I replied as I put the book I was reading aside.

“Well aren’t you going to get it for me? It’s not like you have had nappies to
change or anything productive for that matter” – Xolani

I stood up and went to get his food but did not say anything. He had never spoken
to me in this manner. I could not understand what was going on with him,
‘nappies to change?’ what was that supposed to mean?

I gave him his food and he just took it and did not even say thank you.

“At least you can cook. It makes up for the fact that you are barren. I would never
have married you if I knew” – Xolani

I was taken aback. Yes we had been trying for children unsuccessfully but it had
only been a year since I went off contraceptives. I knew that it would not happen
immediately but it would happen eventually. I was surprised that he now labeled
me as barren. I could bet that his mother had something to do with that as she
would always question me about kids whenever she was around.
111 | P a g e

“Well you still have time to change your mind. It’s not like we signed any
documents at the home affairs” – Me

“Don’t start with that. We will have a wedding when I’m ready but as long as you
cannot produce any children… forget it” – Xolani

“So that is the real reason you have been stalling to have the wedding. You think I
can’t give you children?” – Me

“Well can you? Where is the evidence that you can? Maybe I should have married
your whoring friend Lerato instead. That woman is great in bed. You should ask
her to give you some lessons. The only thing you are good at is spending money”
– Xolani

I could not believe what he had just said to me. I did not want to get into a fight
with him so I stood up and went to bed. I tossed and turned for a while until I fell
asleep and when I woke up I realized he hadn’t come to bed. I looked around the
house and there was no sign of him.

The emotional abuse carried on for months until it escalated into physical abuse.

Every time he got drunk I knew I would either get a beating or he would swear at
me calling me barren or cold in bed. It would go on all night. He made sure that he
never hit me on the face though because that would expose him to the public. I
got used to wearing long sleeved shirts and long pants or dresses to cover up the
bruises.
112 | P a g e

I was stuck in a house with a monster. I could not even go back home because he
would always threaten to kick us out since the house was still under his name.

He would say, “If you ever leave me, I will make sure that you leave without a
cent and I will kick out both you and that drunkard you call a mother from my
house”

Even though my mother had started to suspect that something was not right. I
never told her of what was going on. She was all I had, I had no friends or family
and even though she had managed to stay clean for such a long time, I did not
want to risk pushing her to drink again. I did not know if I could take that.

I loved Xolani but I despised the monster he had become and all the love I had for
him refused to go away but I think that feeling was not mutual. I wondered if he
ever loved me. Why would he do something like that to someone he claimed to
love? I had a feeling the relationship between him and Lerato still carried on. That
just broke me even more.

I was a broken woman trapped in a beautiful house. He had stopped giving me

money. He did not even give me money for petrol. He cut my cellphone contract
and even my allowance. I was not allowed to go to the tennis club anymore. I had
to ask him for everything even minor things like nail polish or make up.

Making myself look pretty was the only thing that kept me feeling like a woman.
He would ask me to write down everything I needed on a piece of paper and then
he would go out and buy it for me. The only time I could go out was to see my
mother or if I went out with him. I had to pretend to be a happily married woman
around his friends so that they would not know what he put me through at home.
I lost hope and felt helpless. I even started missing our old shack in Alex. At least
there I was not a glorified slave. I had become a prisoner in my own home.
113 | P a g e

He stopped touching me. He would not sleep with me but when he did, there
would not be any fore play. He would not make any effort to get me aroused. He
would just enter me and I would tear then he would say, “this is the only way I
enjoy you”.

One Saturday afternoon he took me with to a soccer match and then we ended
up going to one of his friend’s house afterwards. The only reason he ever took me
with was because his friends also had their partners there. He did not want me to
have contact with any of his friend’s partners outside of those gatherings. They all
just assumed it was because I was cold and arrogant.

That day the guys were outside drinking and chatting and all the women gathered
in the kitchen to prepare a meal. Thembeka who was one of the wives then took
out a bottle of wine and poured some for me as well. I hardly ever drank when we
went out because I would have to be the one to drive afterwards because Xolani
always got motherless drunk. I decided a glass or two would not hurt.

“Thank you Thembeka. I need this” – Me

“Tell me about it. You must have it easy though. Xolani is quite a chilled guy… My
man does not like it when I drink but at gatherings like this I can get away with it”
– Thembeka

“You think I have it easy. You have no idea… He is not as chilled at home as he is
around you guys” – Me

I felt so comfortable talking to Thembeka that we ended up convincing each other

that we would just drink and have fun that night. We both needed to let go a
little. It sounded as if she was also not so happy in her marriage but I doubted it
was nearly as bad as mine. I was guarded when I discussed my marriage in fear of
114 | P a g e

giving away what was really going on. Everyone there thought highly of Xolani. In
fact they hero worshipped him. He was always the one to sponsor the events with
food and booze and they mostly did not have to spend a cent. Little did they know
that the generosity ended there.

We finished preparing the food and dished up for everyone then when the other
women went back to join the men Thembeka and I decided to stay in the kitchen
and have more wine. We thought it was safer that way because our men would
not be able to monitor how much we were drinking but not even half an hour
later Xolani came looking for me in the kitchen.

I was tipsy because we had gotten a little carried away. I smiled and jumped to
give him a hug thinking that he would be comforted by the fact that I made it look
like we were happy and in love. Instead he pulled me away and looked me
straight in the eye.

“Samkelisiwe, what are you guys doing here in the kitchen? Are you drinking?” –
Xolani

“We were just chatting and I had a little bit of wine” – Me

“Did we not discuss this before? Did I not tell you how much I hate it when you
drink” – Xolani

I looked down not knowing what to say. I felt that I was also wrong for going
against what he had asked of me. Yes, my brain was conditioned to think in that
fashion at that point. I was a typical example of an abused woman. I looked at
Thembeka and she just sat there looking at us in disbelief.
115 | P a g e

“I’m sorry Xolani. It won’t happen again” – Me

“Behave sisi, this is not Alex,” he said as he turned to leave.

The mood turned sour and Thembeka just turned to look at me with sympathy in
her eyes.

“Samke is it that bad?” – Thembeka

I nodded with tears stinging in my eyes as I tried not to cry.

116 | P a g e

Chapter 17- Sasa’s Story

I knew I was in for it. I was dreading going home because I knew what was waiting
for me. At that moment I just thought well if I was getting a beating any way then
I might as well make it worth it.

“Please pour one more glass for me. I will hide it” – Me

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? Your husband looked very angry” – Thembeka

“Well, I’m already in trouble so what difference will it make?” – Me

“I suppose so. Let’s drink sweetie” – Thembeka

We had a few more glasses as we sat there, chatting and laughing trying to forget
what had just happened.

Thembeka suddenly looked uncomfortable and then whispered, “I think your

husband is back and he doesn’t look very happy”

I turned to look and immediately saw Xolani stumbling towards me. He was drunk
as well. I saw the look on his face. I knew that look very well. It was a cold stare…
he would look empty, almost like a demon. He always got that look in his eyes just
before he hit me. I could not believe he was about to do that in front of everyone.
As I was still trying to digest what was about to happen I felt him grab me and I
117 | P a g e

fell off my chair. That was followed by a countless number of slaps on the face
before he started kicking me on my body.

Thembeka screamed for the other guys to come and help as she begged Xolani to
stop but he just kept it coming and the blows just got worse as he carried on.

I just lay on the kitchen floor trying to protect my face.

A little while later even though it felt like forever the other guys came running in
and started trying to restrain Xolani. It did not take much from them as he was
quite drunk but then he came back as soon as they let him go. He took a blender
that was lying next to the sink and threw it on my head as I tried to get up with
Thembeka’s help.

I passed out.

I woke up the following morning in hospital. I felt like I had been hit by a train. My
head felt heavy and I had a drip on my arm. I felt so thirsty but there was nobody
there to help me. I looked around the room but it was just me there. A minute
later a nurse walked in holding a file in her hand.

“You are awake. How are you feeling?” – Nurse

“I feel horrible nurse. Do you have something for the pain? My head feels
terrible” – Me

“Don’t worry I will get the doctor and he will give you something for that… would
you like anything else?” – Nurse
118 | P a g e

“A glass of water would be great” – Me

“I will bring you some water” – Nurse

The doctor came in to check on me and then told me he would have to report the
matter to the police as the people that had brought me in told him what had
happened. It was just too much for me to think about at that point so I asked for
him to give me some time as I was not ready to deal with that. He asked me if
there was anybody they could call to come and give me some support. I asked
him to call my mother and gave him her cellphone number. I had no recollection
of what had happened after Xolani hit me with that blender.

“Doctor was my husband here when they brought me in?” – Me

“No, you were brought in by two gentlemen and one lady. She said her name was
Thembeka. The other man left but her and her husband stayed for quite a while.
They did say that they would be back to see you today” – Doctor

“Okay, thank you doctor” – Me

“I will give your mother a call. For now please get some rest. Your injuries are not
too bad but you experienced some trauma on your head so we need to run some
tests to make sure that there is no internal bleeding or damage of any nature” –
Doctor
119 | P a g e

“Thank you doctor” – Me

I had something to eat and then I was given some medication for pain and it made
me very drowsy so I fell asleep.

I was woken up by a pat on the shoulder. I woke up to find my mother sitting on a

chair next to my bed.

“Samke… How are you feeling my child?” –Mother

Seeing my mother there was so comforting that I just let go of the tears I had
tried so hard to keep inside. I cried like a baby.

She just came closer and took me in her arms. I cried until my mother started
telling some stories of funny things that had happened when she would still chill
at sis’ Pinky’s house in her jolly days.

It made me a laugh through the tears. I knew why she had done that.

“Do you remember when we were sleeping under those stairs on that cold winter
night and you started telling me all those funny stories to cheer me up even
though you were also cold and hurting?” – Mother

I wiped my tears off with the small tissue she handed to me.

“Yes, I remember that. How can I forget?” – Me

120 | P a g e

“You were so young yet so brave. That moment taught me a lot. What you did for
me that day made me wake up and find strength within myself to carry on and
fight. I realized that nothing is ever as bad as it seems. Samke… I want you to find
that strong girl within yourself again and fight” – Mother

“How do I fight ma… I have nowhere to go. If I leave him he will take everything
away from me and he has threatened to take away your house. We are not legally
married so I have no leg to stand on” – Me

“Sisi I have no problem going back to staying in a shack if it means that my

daughter will escape the clutches of the devil. I will not live in that house in peace
knowing that you are suffering to keep me there. That man will kill you. Look
what he has done to you” – Mother

I was so emotional that I just kept on crying and could not say anything more. My
mother had freed me with her words but I still felt like a failure. I had failed her.

“It was him that hit you the day you came back from your house with that injury
on your eye wasn’t it?” – Mother

“Yes that was the first time he hit me. I did not want to tell you because I was
scared of driving you to drink again” –Me

“Oh my child… Nobody deserves to go through the things you have gone through.
I have failed you as a mother. Please let me help you this time at least. I don’t
have much but we can survive with what I have” – Mother
121 | P a g e

“Thank you ma…” I said giving her a hug again.

Lunch arrived and she helped me to eat as she told me that she had started going
to church. She told me about the things she’d been up to. She had brought me
toiletries, pjamas and a dressing gown. I always kept some sleepwear and some
clothes at my mother’s house so that I did not have to carry them up and down all
the time.

Just after I changed, Thembeka and her husband came in with a bunch of flowers.

“Hey Sasa, it’s so great to see you up and about, we were so worried” –
Thembeka

“Thank you guys... I really appreciate all your help. The doctor told me you were
the ones that brought me here and that you stayed to make sure I was okay” –
Me

“It’s nothing Sasa. I am just glad that you are okay now. We were very frightened
last night” – Thembeka’s husband

“By the way, this is my mother. Ma they are the ones that helped me last night” –
Me

“May God bless you. Let me give you some space to talk. Samke, I will go and buy
those things you needed. I will be back a bit later” – Mother
122 | P a g e

After my mother left we made small talk and then Thembeka’s husband said he
was going downstairs to get a newspaper and some coffee. I could tell he was
avoiding talking about what his friend had done. It was awkward for him.

“Sisi has Xolani been here to see you?” Thembeka asked after her husband left.

“No he hasn’t” – Me

“He left last night after the whole incident apparently. Nobody has heard from
him since then. One of them went to your house this morning to look for him, you
know Mike right?” – Thembeka

“Yes, the quiet one” – Me

“Yes, he said that nobody opened the gate and it looked like nobody was home.
His phone was also off. I hope he’s okay. Was it the first time he did something
like this?” – Thembeka

“You mean beating me up? No he’s been doing it all the time for a bit over a year
now” – Me

“I am really shocked hey. Maybe you also should not have provoked him last night
by drinking so much” – Thembeka
123 | P a g e

I could not believe she said that. I realized as soon as she did that they blamed me
for their “hero’s” actions. Of course Xolani could never do wrong. He must have
been provoked into doing what he did according to them. It was sickening to
realize how much people could be blinded by money and ignorance. I just shut
down after that. I could not listen to one more word that woman said. She
realized what she had done and tried to make amends but it was too late.

“Look he was never supposed to do what he did to you under any circumstance. I
do not condone abuse at all. Please don’t get me wrong” – Thembeka

“Can we please talk about something else?” – Me

“Sure…”- Thembeka

That was followed by an awkward silence.

Not too long after that two people came in… It was my mother and …

The nerve of that woman! It was my mother coming in with Lerato.

124 | P a g e

Chapter 18 – Sasa’s Story

I had never told my mother about Lerato’s affair with my husband. She must have
called her thinking that seeing her would make me feel better.

Why did she not make an excuse not to come because she knew very well that I
did not want to ever lay eyes on her? She probably saw an opportunity to come
and gloat seeing that she had intentions of moving me out the way so she could
have Xolani to herself.

“I will go Sasa. I will call you later to see how you are doing” – Thembeka

“Bye Thembeka. Thank you for coming to see me” – Me

She greeted Lerato and said goodbye to my mother and left.

One down, one to go… I was not going to lay there and pretend I was okay with
Lerato’s presence. I wanted her out of my sight as soon as possible. Seeing her
again just brought back anger and resentment.

“Ma… Where did you pick up this whore? Was she still walking the streets in
broad daylight?” – Me

She stood there and had the audacity to look stunned by my reaction.
125 | P a g e

“No, no, no Samke that is no way to talk to a friend. Why are you being so rude? I
called her and told her what had happened and she was concerned enough to
come over immediately” – Mother

“I will go Ma, it’s okay. I can see I’m not welcome here” – Lerato

“Why don’t you tell my mother exactly why you are being butchered? Go ahead
and tell her before you leave. I don’t know what would have made you think that I
would appreciate your presence. You are obviously more screwed up in the head
than I thought. All those married women you have sent to bed with tears in their
eyes… it must be catching up with you and it’s hitting on the brain” – Me

“Hhhhhay Samke! What is this huge that you would react like this? What has
Lerato done to you for you to be so ugly towards her?” – Me

“Let her tell you herself” – Me

I had never been so vulgar in my mother’s presence but I was so upset, I could not
contain my anger.

“It’s okay ma. I made a mistake and I understand why Sasa is so angry. I just
thought she would have calmed down by now and we would get a chance to talk
so I could apologize to her” – Lerato
126 | P a g e

“A mistake? by sleeping with my husband multiple times… You call that a

mistake? Don’t make me laugh!” – Me

“Hawu! Please tell me you are lying!” my mother exclaimed as she threw her
hands on top of her head.

“Here she is… Ask her yourself” – Me

Lerato just stood there, fidgeting with her car keys. Her face had hardened.

“Lerato is it true?” – Mother

She was quiet for a little while then she said softly, “Yes, it’s true”

My mother just clapped once in disbelief.

“What has this world turned into? Hawu!” – Mother

“Sasa please know that I am truly sorry. I will go” – Lerato

“Why are you even still here?” – Me

127 | P a g e

She turned to leave.

“By the way, don’t think that I don’t know that you are still sleeping with my
husband. Congratulations!” –Me

She carried on walking and did not look back. I was right after all.

Just as she got to the door she looked back and said, “I paid the price for it
because I’m pregnant and I was not planning to have a child with my husband’s
best friend”.

At that point my mother stood up so fast and before I knew it she had slapped
her.

“You little bitch!” – Mother

She stared back at my mother with eyes so cold it gave me shivers.

“Leave her ma, it’s not worth it” – Me

I stood up from the bed to fetch my mother. She was shaking. She had turned
pink with rage.
128 | P a g e

Two nurses came running down the corridor.

“Sorry please take this outside. This is a hospital we do not allow this kind of
behavior here” – Nurse

“Sisi what are you doing up from your bed? You should be resting…” – The other
nurse

Lerato just left without saying a word.

“What is going on Ma? You came in here smiling with that girl and now this?” -
Nurse

“I’m sorry… Ooooh I am ready to kill that girl” – Mother

The other nurse just helped me back onto the bed.

“Ma your daughter needs to rest. She does not need all this commotion now. She
has had major trauma to her head. I am going to have to ask you to leave if this is
going to continue” – Nurse

“It’s okay nurse. I would like my mother to stay. The person that caused all this
has left” – Me
129 | P a g e

The nurse continued to put my drip back on and then administered more pain
medication.

When the nurses had left my mother came and sat next to me.

“Sasa what is going on in that house? I cannot believe what I just heard?” –
Mother

“The day that I came home with a blue eye, I found Xolani in bed with Lerato and
when I expressed my anger he hit me. Lerato gave me the same look that she has
just given you now. She showed no remorse and so I knew from that day what I
was dealing with. I suspected that the affair still carried on because whenever
Xolani would swear at me he would always tell me what a better lover Lerato was
compared to me. The problems in my marriage began when that girl started
sleeping with my husband. To think I fed her all sorts of information by confiding
in her makes me sick to my stomach and now she is pregnant with his child. The
one thing I have not been able to give him which has made him label me infertile”
– Me

My mother just looked at me, horrified.

“Samkelisiwe you must just let her have her way. She has obviously done
something to your husband. All of a sudden Xolani has become such a monster.
He was always such a kind man. I could see the way he looked at you, he loved
you. That is why it is so hard for me to wrap my head around everything that I
have just discovered” – Ma
130 | P a g e

“Seeing her has given me strength to fight for what is mine. If I leave that
marriage, I must leave with something for all the pain that they both have caused
me otherwise I will make sure that they never have peace. I am tired ma. All my
life I have been a victim. I will take charge now. Why should we always be the
ones to suffer? I have had enough” – Me

“Samke, your life is more important than material things and vengeance. Leave
them to God. They will get what’s coming to them but you cannot put your own
life at risk for revenge” – Mother

“Ma, where was God when we were suffering? When will we ever find peace?
And the evil people of this world seem to get exactly what they want but we are
always fighting to survive? I have had enough of that life. I swear to you that I will
not let that man get away with what he has done to me. I can’t even recognize
myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a stranger. He has killed me
inside” – Me

“Please don’t talk like that Samke. Remember Job in the bible? Everything that
has happened has been a test but it has made us better people. Please do not let
this destroy your kind nature. You have put that man first for way to long. It’s
time for you to put God first and you will see, things will turn around” – Mother

“No ma… I will fight” – Me

I was bitter and angry at the world. I had lost faith in humanity. People could be
so cruel. Everybody that I had come across had betrayed me in some way. I was
done being good and sweet. I was never going to let anybody else manipulate me
ever again. Something had happened inside of me. I promised to start looking out
131 | P a g e

for myself because nobody else would. Nobody cared. People played games and I
trusted nobody. From that point onwards I would come first no matter what.
132 | P a g e

Chapter 19 – Sasa’s Story

I stayed a week in hospital and all the tests came out clear so I was ready to go
home. I did not go back to my mother’s house like she had suggested, I went back
to my marital home. I was physically and emotionally broken but I knew that I
could not let Lerato win. I would never find peace if I went down without a fight.

This time I was back in my house not because of love but because I wanted to get
what I was owed. All I wanted was for Xolani to sign the house in Alex over to me
or my mother and then I would back down. He had wasted years of my life. I took
care of him and I loved him. I would have done anything for that man but he
abused my love and trust. I was not going to let him kick me out on the streets
with nothing. If he could not love me back then he would at least let my mother
keep the house that he had given to her. If he had let me work then I was never
going to be in that position but he had refused for me to go out and work when I
had finally found a job arguing that I had everything I needed so why would I want
to work.

He had not even visited me in the hospital even when I had refused to press
charges of assault against him.

The only time he came over was when I had called him asking him to come and
fetch me because I had been discharged. He said that he did not come because he
was scared of being arrested. He did not even apologize for landing me in
hospital.

I did not ask him about Lerato’s pregnancy. I waited for him to tell me. I was sure
he would the next time he got drunk.
133 | P a g e

On the first two weeks of my arrival back from hospital, he played the caring
husband very well. He would make sure I did not lift a finger. He would fluff up my
pillows, cook for me and even hired somebody to do the cleaning while I
recovered.

It did not last very long just as I had anticipated, I had completely recovered from
the beating so he went out that afternoon. I did not wait up for him like I always
did. This time I went to bed.

I was woken up by the sound of people having sex in the next room. Initially I just
thought that he had brought some of his buddies home and they had found a tart
along the way and asked for a room to do their dirty deeds. It was out of
character for him to do something like that because he treasured his privacy. His
home was normally a no go area but then again he had become very
unpredictable. I was surprised when I heard no other sound around the house so I
decided to wake up and investigate.

The rest of the house was dark and there was no sign of anybody else there.
Could that mean? No… He could not have possibly gone that far.

I opened the door to the room where I had heard the sounds. Xolani was lying in
bed with Lerato. They both just looked at me and then Xolani shouted, “Close the
door on your way out”.

I did just that but then got a five liter bucket and filled it with ice cold water… I
even added ice for extra effect.

I sat in the lounge and watched a bit of TV until I was sure that they had fallen
asleep. I called the police and gave them my address and told them to come
because my husband had come home with his mistress and he was threatening to
beat me up. I then took the bucket of water, opened the door very softly and
134 | P a g e

threw the water on them. They got such a shock. They both jumped out of bed
naked.

“Nobody is going to sleep in this house as long as this little tramp is here. I hope
you both understood me” – Me

To my surprise Xolani did not try and hit me like I thought he would. I was
counting on it because I knew this time I would send him straight to jail. He had
pushed me too far.

“Samke what are you doing?” –Xolani

“What am I doing? Should you not be asking yourself the same question?” – Me

“Lerato let’s go and sleep in the other room… this witch has gone nuts,” he said as
he put a blanket around his naked tramp.

“Oh no you are not… Did you not hear what I said? There is no way the three of us
will sleep under one roof. I would rather have one sleeping in jail, that would
probably be you Xolani because the cops are on the way if you are thinking of
even laying a finger on me and the other one will be sleeping in hospital that
would be between me and my dear friend Lerato. He felt cornered after I told him
that the cops were on their way but as stubborn as he was he still carried on and
took Lerato to the main bedroom, our bedroom. He tried to lock the door but I
had been clever enough to remove the key so I went straight to the kitchen to
fetch more water. I waited again for them to settle down and went straight in
135 | P a g e

with the bucket of water but this time they were alert. Xolani managed to jump
off in time to miss the cold shower but Lerato was not so lucky. The bed was
soaking wet. Xolani could not hold back, he flew in to a rage and slapped me,
twisted my arm and started dragging me down the passage in efforts to throw me
out of the house. He did that just as the police came through. I had given them
easy access by not locking the gate and leaving the door open.

“Yes… The naked wife beater, you are something else hey. Beating up your wife in
front of your mistress” – Cop

“You bitch,” he yelled as he slapped me again in front of the cops.

They jumped to restrain him and then they cuffed him. Lerato grabbed one of the
wet blankets to cover herself and ran to the other room to retrieve her clothing.

“Mam are you okay?” one of the policemen asked as he helped me up.

“I’m okay” – Me

“But this guy? Who does this? Do you have a death wish? Sisi you are married to
an idiot” – Policeman

“Can I at least get something to wear before you cuff me?” – Xolani
136 | P a g e

“Ey baba… You are getting nothing. If you want to go parading your manhood all
over town then we will give you the opportunity. Let’s go” – Policeman

They took him as naked as he was. I did not even feel sorry for him. I was actually
rejoicing inside. The policeman that stayed behind asked me to take a tracksuit or
something for him then they asked me to either come with them or follow them
so I could go and write my statement.

“We are witnesses as he did it in front of us. The bloody fool” – Policeman

They put him in the back of the police van and I told them that I would follow
them. Lerato just stood there like a wet chicken.

“Get out I want to lock up” – Me

“Where will I go? I don’t have my car here and my phone battery is flat, I won’t be
able to call a cab” – Lerato

“Get out please you are wasting my time. Do you think I care?” – Me

The stupid woman let the police go instead of asking for a lift from them. Maybe
she thought I was going to let her stay… stupid woman. She came out as I waited
for her to go outside the gate and then I drove out and locked the gate behind
me. I left her standing outside the gate. Probably freezing but I was way past the
point of caring after what she had done.
137 | P a g e

I opened a case against Xolani and he spent the whole weekend in jail I had to
deal with his mother calling me from the Eastern Cape all weekend and screaming
all sorts of obscenities to me over the phone. I did not let her get to me and I did
not respond to her. I ended up blocking her number.

I had to deal with the aftermath of that Friday evening because my house was a
mess. I took out the wet mattresses to dry in the sun with the assistance of the
helper that had been hired by Xolani. She took care of the rest while I enjoyed
some good wine and good music. I loved old school RnB. It reminded me of my
mom, besides gospel, that’s all she ever listened to. I felt good in Xolani’s absence
but I was nervous about what he would do to me when he was released.

Xolani went to court that Monday morning and he was released on bail. He came
into the house walking very slowly, his friend Mike had dropped him off.

He went straight to bed in one of the guest rooms without saying a word. He slept
almost all day ad only came out of the room very late.

“Hello Samke… What time is it?” – Xolani

“It’s half past eight” – Me

I had cooked so he immediately went to the kitchen and started dishing up.

I could not read him. I had no idea what he was thinking. He sat and ate in silence.

After the meal he stood up and washed his plate. I was watching TV. He never
washed his own plate so I knew he was feeling remorseful.

“Samke can you please turn down the volume so we can talk” – Xolani
138 | P a g e

“I’m still watching” – Me

“Samke please, this is important” – Xolani

I turned down the volume and sat looking at him, waiting for him to start talking.

“I have done horrible things to you in the last few years and I just wanted to
apologize. I don’t know what has gotten into me. Being in jail made me realize
what a fool I have been. Please forgive me Samke. I am sorry. Can we start over
and try to make our marriage work?” he said as he shed a tear.

“Firstly please wipe those crocodile tears off your face. You knew exactly what
you were doing and you are not sorry for hurting me, you are sorry for being
locked up for it. You should actually be in prison where you belong with people
like you” – Me

“What happened to you Samke? I did not recognize the woman I saw on Friday
just like I don’t recognize the person I’m talking to now” – Xolani

“You mean what happened to the little Samke you turned into a punching bag
and imprisoned in your house while you emotionally abused her? Do you hear
what you are saying? I will spell it out to you… You happened to me Xolani and
now you are going to pay for destroying me. I will make sure you do even if it’s
the last thing I do. You have humiliated me and it’s enough. Do you hear me?” –
Me
139 | P a g e

“So you don’t want to work on our marriage?” – Xolani

“What marriage? Don’t make me laugh” – Me

“Okay… What do you want from me? What can I do to make you drop the charges
against me?” –Xolani

“And it finally speaks the truth! That is what you really wanted to say. I will tell
you exactly what I want”
140 | P a g e

Chapter 20 – Sasa’s Story

“I want you to change ownership of the house you gave to my mother and write it
out in her name, same for my car but it should be in my name instead. I want two
hundred thousand rand in my account so I can start my salon and then we can
forget we ever met each other” – Me

“That is so much to ask” – Xolani

“As compared to what?” – Me

“I still want you in my life Samke. I will leave Lerato. This time I promise… I don’t
really care about her” – Xolani

“What about the baby she is expecting?” – Me

He went silent again, looking down in shame.

“Don’t even try to deny it’s yours because I have seen you have sex with her twice
and there was no condom in sight. Besides I have heard that song before” – Me
141 | P a g e

“Okay I will do it… As long as you promise to drop the charges against me” –
Xolani

“I will carry on with the case until all of this is done so it will benefit you to move
at a fast pace” – Me

“You are actually blackmailing me Samke. My own wife is blackmailing me” –

Xolani

“So I’m your wife when it suits you? Get over yourself Xolani. I’m off to bed” – Me

He organized for everything to be done as I had asked. I had to hire a lawyer to

verify that everything was authentic and not faked or tweaked. He then deposited
Two hundred thousand rand into my account. I told him that I would leave as
soon as the transfer of the title for the house was confirmed. Life in the house
became very difficult in that period. We were not talking to each other and you
could cut the tension with a knife. We grew even further apart.

Two weeks after Xolani and I had last spoken, I woke up feeling very sick. It felt
like I had a stomach bug or something of the sort. I had a runny tummy and I was
also throwing up. At first I thought it could have been something I ate but the
symptoms persisted for about a week. After seven days of constant diarrhea I
started to feel very weak. I could not even get out of bed.

“Samke are you okay? I have noticed you have been in and out of the toilet and
you are not looking too good” – Xolani
142 | P a g e

“Honestly I don’t feel so well” – Me

I started to think that he could have been poisoning me. That is how much I did
not trust that man.

“Would you like me to take you to see the doctor?” – Xolani

I wanted to refuse but honestly I was too weak to drive myself and I could feel my
condition deteriorating each and every day. I really was not well.

“Yes please. It would be great if you could do that for me” – Me

“Please get dressed. I will call and make an appointment” – Xolani

It took me about an hour just to shower and get ready that is how sick I felt.

I have had stomach bugs in the past and even food poisoning but I had never felt
that sick in my life. I called my mother to let her know what was going on. Of
course she started basically saying, “I told you so”.

She hated the decision that I had made to go back to Xolani’s house after I was
discharged from the hospital and I could not tell her what I had been planning
because she would have just tried to talk me out of it. I promised to call her and
let her know how it went with the doctor. Xolani came into our bedroom and told
me he was unable to secure an appointment with the doctor as they were fully
booked but he then suggested that I go to the clinic. I did not care where I went I
143 | P a g e

just wanted to feel better. He drove me there and then decided to go for coffee
while I went in for a consultation.

“Call me when you are done, I will come and pick you up” – Xolani

I did not think he still cared whether I lived or died but it was very considerate of
him to offer to take me to the clinic considering the circumstances.

The receptionist sent me through immediately when I arrived at the clinic as she
could also tell I needed immediate care. I was pale and out of power, I could
hardly even stand for too long.

Nothing could have prepared me for the news I received at the clinic that day. My
life would never be the same.

I was inconsolable. At some point I saw the counsellor holding back tears as I
wept. She tried to talk to me explaining that I could still live a normal life and that
the only difference was that I would be taking medication and living a healthy
lifestyle. I was too distraught to even consider what she was saying to me.

“Sisi, the number you provided on your form as your next of kin is your husband’s
am I correct?” – Counsellor

“Yes it is” – Me

“I will have to call him because I cannot let you go home like this. Do you mind
disclosing to him?” – Counsellor
144 | P a g e

“Please tell him nurse because he is the one who infected me. He gave me HIV” –
Me

“Are you completely sure about that?” – Counsellor

“He is the only man I have ever been with my whole life” – Me

The counsellor then gave Xolani a call and asked him to come through. Not so
long after that he arrived. The counsellor then told him that I had tested positive
for HIV. He just sat on the chair looking shocked. She carried on explaining what
would happen from there and how he should assist me.

She also advised that he also take a test. At first he refused but he finally gave in. I
already knew what the result would be and I was correct. Both of Xolani’s rapid
tests came back showing a positive result for HIV. He was much calmer than I was.

We left the clinic in silence all the way home. I felt numb. I felt like I was dreaming
it could not possibly have been happening. I was feeling worse than I had been
before going to the clinic. Even though I was not crying anymore, I was absolutely
broken. I just went straight to bed and lay there looking at the window. I had
thought I could finally escape the horror of my marriage and then this had to
happen.

Xolani had been loitering around the house the whole time and then he finally
came through the door with a tray of food.
145 | P a g e

“Samke… I made you something to eat. I know it is not as good as your cooking
but you have to eat something so you can take your vitamins” - Xolani

I did not even so much as look at him.

He put the tray down and came around to the side of the bed I was facing and
went down on his knees. He looked at me straight in the eye. I could tell he had
been crying because his eyes were puffed up and red in colour.

“I hope you will find it in your heart to someday forgive me for everything I have
done to you. I have treated you like trash and you did not deserve it. You were
always a good wife to me. I honestly do not know what made me do the
disgusting things I did to you and now look where I landed both of us” – Xolani

I just lay there looking back at him trying to find some compassion, trying to find a
place of love and forgiveness in my heart but I couldn’t. I felt nothing for that
man. I did not even feel hatred towards him. I felt absolutely nothing.

“It is not only the two of us you did this to. It is the three of us”, I said
unintentionally softly.

“Please don’t go there… That woman is the cause of all of this. I know for a fact
that I contracted this virus from her and then passed it on to you” – Xolani

“And then possibly to our child… That is what I meant by three of us” – Me
146 | P a g e

“Do you mean…?” – Xolani

“Yes, I mean I am pregnant Xolani” – Me

147 | P a g e

Chapter 21 – Sasa’s Story

Seven months later…

As I packed the last suitcase in the boot of my car, I looked back at the house I
called home for nine years of my life. There were lots of beautiful memories that
were overcast by pain, torture infidelity, betrayal and now illness.

I was leaving it all behind to start a new chapter in my life. I had someone else to
live for and I could not put him at risk just as I had done to myself by not leaving
earlier. Yes, the baby I was carrying in my stomach was a boy. I must have
conceived in the two week period after I came home from the hospital before
Xolani disrespected me in the most despicable way by bringing my former best
friend into our home and having sex with her in my presence.

I had endured a lot in that house at the hands of that man. I remembered the day
I moved in, all starry eyed and in love. I was hopeful and full of dreams… dreams
of a good life. I had finally escaped the poverty I had known all my life. I was
about to live the life I had envied all those times when I would do house calls for
the women of the northern suburbs. I had become that woman but at what cost?

I was leaving that house a changed woman. I had lost trust in people. I trusted
nobody. I promised myself that I would never let anybody too close to me except
my mother and my son. I did not like the person I had become but I was much
wiser and much stronger.

I had moved all my designer clothing and expensive shoes, jewellery and
handbags. Except for the house which was now in my mother’s name, my car and
the money I had forced Xolani to deposit into my account… That was all I was
taking with me.
148 | P a g e

His mother drove in as I locked up the front door. I walked up to her and handed
her the keys which she then grabbed out of my hand and drove off. I took a last
look at the house, jumped into my own car and drove to my mother’s house.

I prayed that his spirit was at least at peace. I had once loved that man with all my
heart in spite of everything that had happened. A part of him still lived on inside
of me through the child that was growing in my womb.

Xolani was no more. He had killed himself a week after we found out that we
were both HIV positive. That was seven months ago.

He had shot himself in the garage after a drunken night out. He had come back
and shot himself. I was woken up by the sound of a gunshot. I knew right there
and then that something had gone terribly wrong because the loud sound of the
gunshot had sounded like it came from inside our house. A lot of thoughts had
raced through my mind as I jumped out of bed and ran through the house
checking where it had come from. I then heard music playing in the garage. I
opened the door that led from the house onto the garage and saw Xolani’s car
parked next to mine. A terrible feeling hit me as I crossed over towards his car
and through the windscreen I saw his head slumped over the steering wheel of
the black BMW. There were splashes of blood all over the windows. I ran up to
the door and opened it, hoping it was not too late but the sight that greeted me
confirmed that he was dead. Xolani was dead. He had shot himself in the head.
The gun was still in his hand and there was brain matter all over the seat.

I had to go for extensive counselling before I was even able to fall asleep at night
after what I had seen.

I was even more shattered when the police started investigating me as a possible
suspect before they could finally rule out the possibility of murder. They were
then able to confirm that he had committed suicide because of gun powder that
was detected on his hand and not mine and some other evidence found on the
scene. Xolani’s mother blamed me for his son’s death. She said that I was the one
who had pushed him to finally take his own life. I had no energy to fight back. I let
149 | P a g e

her have her way. She had made sure that I got nothing from Xolani’s assets but I
wanted none of it anyway. She even went as far as hiring a hot shot lawyer just to
make sure I got nothing. Of course Xolani did not feel a need to make sure I was
secure should he die so he had no will in place.

We managed to bury him with dignity. There was no drama at the funeral. To my
relief Lerato did not pitch.

I was in black for only a month. I refused to go through the whole mourning
period of a year for many reasons. That also did not sit well with his mother but I
was at the point of not caring. She had already formed her opinion of me. I had
never been sworn at like that woman had in my life. She had made it clear that
she wanted nothing more to do with me or my son.

As for Lerato, she stayed very far away from me. I was grateful for that.

I never got to see her or her child ever again so son… know that you might have a
half brother or sister out there somewhere.

At home my mother had made lunch and as soon as I arrived she dished up for
me and placed my tablets on the side of the tray so that I would not forget to take
them. I told my mother everything. She knew about my condition and she had
been my pillar of strength. I was glad that I did not give up on her when she was
down and out because she had become my strength when I had none to carry me
through.

“Samke… Please don’t forget to call the plumber for the geyser replacement when
you are done eating” – Mother

“Ok ma I will” – Me
150 | P a g e

That would be at least another two thousand rand gone.

I had been living on the two hundred thousand rand that Xolani had deposited in
my account for months so there was not much left from it. Considering my
medical expenses and basic needs, almost half of it was gone. I was counting
every cent trying to retain as much from it as possible because I decided that I
would start small by opening my salon in my mother’s garage. I could not do it yet
because I was heavily pregnant and because of stress, it was a complicated
pregnancy but I promised myself that I would get on it as soon as my baby was at
least three months old.

A month later I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I named him Manqoba – (the
conqueror). My mother helped me a lot during that time even though she would
come home tired from work she would make sure that she made time to help me
out with even the smallest things like preparing a bottle or doing the baby’s
laundry. It relieved the strain of having to do everything myself. At that point my
mother was working as a cashier at the Checkers Hyper in Sandton City. She had
started working there a couple of months back but she was still in good relations
with Tshepo’s mother.

Manqoba turned out to be a real blessing. He brought joy in our lives again. For a
change, it was not just me and my mother, our family had grown.

I spent the first six months of Manqoba’s life at home looking after him. Our bond
had grown so strong it was difficult to be away from him even for an hour but I
knew I had to start doing something with myself. The money had run out very
quickly with having to cater for two adults and a baby with no assistance from the
father’s side. There was a little over ten thousand rand left in my account. Starting
the salon was not going to happen. I kicked myself for not working on starting the
business earlier when there was still enough money but I had been doting on my
151 | P a g e

little boy. My mother’s salary was not much. She helped out a lot but it was not
nearly enough to cover everything. My mother had told me about a salon in the
shopping mall that catered mainly for ethnic hair. She would always go around
asking if they had any vacancies and they told her they were looking for a stylist.

It had been years since I had done hair and I was a bit out of touch with the trends
but doing hair was in me and I knew I would catch up very quickly if they gave me
an opportunity. I drafted my CV, printed it and went there personally. I felt I had a
better chance of being hired if I could plead my case. I left Manqoba with my
mother.

I dressed up and made sure I looked the part. I was quite nervous but when I
finally walked in and asked to speak to the manager of the place, the nerves
eased off a bit. I gave my CV and explained to her that I had not really worked
after college but if she gave me a head of hair to work on I could show her my
skills. She did just that and when I was done she was blown away.

“When can you start?” she had asked. I told her I had a baby and I still had to
organize a babysitter for him so I would be able to start in a week’s time. I was
hired on the spot.

I was so happy… Finally I would have my independence! It was long over- due.
152 | P a g e

Chapter 22 – Sasa’s Story

“Ma!!! I got the job!” – Me

“Oh Samke! I knew you would get it. Let me make some tea, I baked some scones,
I want to hear all about it” – Mother

“Where is Manqoba? Is he sleeping?” –Me

“Yes… He was a bit restless. He fell asleep just five minutes before you got back” –
Mother

I went and looked at him. I wanted to rejoice with my son but he was sleeping. It
was probably a good thing because I was exhausted. I had to style three people’s
hair for my interview but it was the nerves that took it out of me.

My mom came back from the kitchen with a tray of tea and scones. We sat down
on the couch as I told her about the prompt interview.

“I am so glad sisi. Did you discuss the salary and your working hours?” – Mother

“Yes, I will be working from nine to six, Tuesday to Saturday. The hours are long
but we were warned about it at college. The salary is not a lot but it is more than
enough for us because we don’t have hug expenses. The nice thing about it is that
I can use Mondays to collect my pills at the clinic” – Me
153 | P a g e

“So this means we can travel together in the mornings but you will have to get
someone to look after Manqoba during the day because I also work strange
hours” – Mother

“Can you recommend someone?” – Me

“Yes there is a very nice lady I know who stays next door to Pinky’s house. She is
very sweet and good with kids. I don’t think she is working so I will ask her
tomorrow if she is interested” – Mother

“Does she drink? Sorry ma but I have to make sure”- Me

“Eunice? Oh no she does not touch alcohol” – Mother

“Can we go there when Manqoba wakes up? I’m just so eager to get all my ducks
in a row” – Me

My mother laughed and gave me a high five.

“I understand the excitement of getting a new job. For you it’s double the
excitement because it’s also your first job” – Mother

Manqoba woke up about an hour later and we then drove to Eunice’s house.
154 | P a g e

Luckily she was home. My mother talked to her about the possibility of her
looking after Manqoba. She was so excited, just as excited as I was about my new
job. She did not ask for so much as a salary so I offered a bit more just so she
would be comfortable. I did not want a grumpy woman looking after my son all
day. As soon as that was settled, we headed back home. I knew the neighbors
were gossiping about me being back home after the death of my husband but it
did not bother me much. Sis’ Pinky was so happy to see us. She was drunk as
always. She was standing by the door of her shack smoking when she saw us.

“Guess who is here with me? Come and say hello Sizwe” – Sis’ Pinky

He also appeared through the door.

“Hawu! How is the baby?” – Uncle Sizwe

“He is fine. We will come back tomorrow because we have to drop off some stuff
for Eunice” – Mother

I knew my mother was lying she just wanted to get away from there as soon as
she could. I did not fault her on that but seeing uncle Sizwe reminded me of the
secret that my mother was still keeping to herself. I did not want to push her
though. She would tell me when she was ready. I also did not want to spoil the
beautiful day we had.

We got home had dinner and went to bed. I was dying for a glass of wine. I had a
bottle in the kitchen but I did not want to drink in front of my mom and tempt
her. It was as if she had read my mind.
155 | P a g e

“Samke you can have a glass of wine. It’s not like you are breastfeeding. It will be
a nice way to end off a beautiful day. I’m going to bed, I have an early shift
tomorrow” – Mother

“That’s a good idea ma” – Me

I poured myself a glass after I put Manqoba to sleep. I felt relaxed for the first
time in months. Things were finally falling into place. The next morning I woke up
a bit early, cleaned the house before Manqoba could wake up and then took a
bath. When he finally awakened I made him some porridge and prepared his milk
then bathed him. I put him in his car seat and we went shopping. I shopped guilt
free because I knew I had an income to look forward to. I bought some
comfortable shoes for work because I owned mostly high heeled pairs which
would not be appropriate. I also got myself clothing that I could work in. I was
told we had to dress in black at all times so I got bags full of black clothing. I
bought some stuff for my mother and Manqoba as well.

Eunice started coming in five days before I started working so Manqoba could get
used to her. I was happy with her because she was very good with him and he
also seemed to like her.

My first day of work was hard and tiring but I got used to the work as time went
by. I cannot explain the feeling I got when my first salary came into my bank
account. It was that much sweeter because it was money that I had worked for
and earned. I did not have to explain to anyone how I spent it. I was delighted.
156 | P a g e

Manqoba turned one and I threw him a party. It was not like he knew what was
happening but the pictures would tell the story when he was old enough to
appreciate them. It was a beautiful day spent with lots of naughty toddlers and
some of their parents but the highlight of my day was when Tshepo came through
to keep me company. I always enjoyed spending time with him.

The next day at work we all got unwelcome news. The salon was closing down
because the owner was going through financial difficulties and she could not
afford to keep the salon running. We only had three months of work before the
place shut its doors. That meant I had only three months to find work because at
this point my salary was my only source of income.

It was a stressful six months because not only was I losing my sense of security
but I was also trying to work and find another job at the same time.

No matter how good I was with hair my lack of formal work experience did not
count in my favour. I even started looking for work in other fields like admin but
still nobody came back to me until the three months came to an end.

I was out of work and without any income. I watched the funds in my account
deplete slowly but surely. My mother could see how terrified I was and she tried
her best to make life comfortable for us just to alleviate the pressure from me.

It did not work because I knew how much she had to stretch herself to make that
happen. I did not give up though I kept searching for work.

The first month went by without work and then the second.

Money got very tight. I found myself having to ask my mother for money to buy
nappies and milk. I even went from buying the Pampers brand to a no name
brand because there was no money.

I was also very proud so it was difficult to ask for money from my mother at the
age of thirty two. She was also still taking care of Eunice’s payment because we
could not let her go. We would have a problem if I found another job if she was
no longer there. That morning I woke up and realized I only had one nappy left for
the baby and my mother had already left for work. I had no money. I only had
157 | P a g e

three rand to my name that is how broke I was, so I took that and bought one
nappy at the nearest shop.

I had to make a plan because I knew my mother also had money only for
transport. I called Tshepo and asked to borrow some money from him. I knew he
would not judge me.

“Ntwana I only have three hundred rand with me. I can bring it to you just now” –
Tshepo

“Don’t worry I will collect it on my way to the shops. You are a lifesaver” – Me

I left Manqoba at home with

Eunice and collected the money from Tshepo. I immediately caught a taxi to
Benmore Gardens because at that shopping center they had a Dischem store with
a very affordable range of nappies. I left my car at home because it did not have
enough petrol and that thing could consume tons of fuel.

I shopped around for a few items and I walked from isle to isle looking for cheaper
brands of everything. I first noticed this white guy, very handsome as I looked for
some baby porridge in one isle and then again a number of times. If I didn’t know
better I would say the guy was following me. It couldn’t have been. Why would he
be following me? I always heard that if a white guy went for a black woman they
normally went for skinny ones. I saw proof of that when I was working at the
salon in Sandton. But then I remembered something Lerato had said to me years
ago when I met Xolani, she had told me how beautiful I was and to stop doubting
that. As much as I despised what she ended up doing to me, I missed her at times.
158 | P a g e

I was done and so I walked to the tills so I could pay for my goods when the white
guy appeared again just as I was scratching in my Michael Kors bag for the money
I had borrowed from Tshepo, the irony of it all.

“Hi… Do you mind if I pay for that,” said the white guy out of nowhere.

I looked up at him.

“You mean my groceries?” – Me

“Yes” –Him

For the first time I noticed how charmingly handsome he was. He had these
piercing blue eyes which were really hard to miss.

“Well…” under normal circumstances I would have refused but it seemed like a
blessing at a desperate time for a stranger to offer to pay for my groceries.

“Here you go”, he said passing his card to the cashier before I could even respond.

I just stood there amazed then as soon as the payment went through he looked at
me and said, “have a nice day mam” before he left the store.
159 | P a g e

I ran after him and as soon as we were out of the store I tapped him on the
shoulder.

“Excuse me. I just wanted to thank you. Your generosity means a lot” – Me

He looked at me for a second and then said, “Are you in a hurry? Would you mind
if I took you out for lunch?”

“Sure. I’m not rushing anywhere” – Me

“By the way my name is Jarrod”

160 | P a g e

Chapter 23 – Sasa’s Story

“Good to meet you Jarrod, my name is Sasa” – Me

“There’s a nice restaurant just around the corner, do you mind if we go there?” –
Jarrod

“I don’t mind” – Me

We walked down to the restaurant and he pulled a chair for me to sit when we
got there. I wished I had put more effort in how I dressed on that day. I thought I
would just be buying stuff for Manqoba and going straight home after that so I
just wore a summer dress and some flat sandals.

“Well Sasa, do you stay around here?” – Jarrod

“No I stay in Alex” – Me

“Really? That’s interesting… I saw you buying some baby supplies. Is it your
baby?”- Jarrod

“Yes it is. He’s just over eighteen months old” – Me

161 | P a g e

“Do you mind me asking if that means you are in a relationship?” – Jarrod

“No… I was in a relationship not any longer” – Me

I did not want to elaborate so I let him think whatever came to mind.

“I’m sorry to hear that” – Jarrod

“It’s okay Jarrod. Some things are just not meant to be I guess…” – Me

“So do you leave alone in Alex?” – Jarrod

“No I stay there with my mother. I moved back in with her after being separated
from the father of my child” – Me

“I see… I’m sorry to be asking so many questions. It’s just that you seem to be a
very interesting person. There is just something about you that I can’t put my
finger on. I just found myself attracted to you” –Jarrod

“Wow that is very straight forward” – Me

“You will learn that about me as you get to know me better. I don’t believe in
beating around the bush” – Jarrod
162 | P a g e

“Oh so there’s an opportunity to get to know each other better… mmmmh?” –

Me

“If you agree of course” – Jarrod

He was very charming not to mention good looking, how could any woman resist
going on a second date with him?

“We will see about that” – Me

We talked a bit more over lunch and found that we actually got along very well. I
even forgot I had to go back home because my son had run out of nappies.

After lunch and a shared bottle of wine I told Jarrod I had to go.

“Are you rushing home to your son?” – Jarrod

“Yes… I really have to go now” – Me

He grabbed his phone from the table and said, “Would you mind giving me your
number? Maybe we can go for lunch or dinner later in the week?”
163 | P a g e

“Sure, why not?” – Me

I gave him my number and then he offered to give me a lift to the place where I
could catch a taxi. He drove a black BMW X5. I have always been a fan of BMW.

In the car he reached for his laptop bag and took out a sealed envelope.

“Sasa please take this but promise me you will not open it until you get home” –
Jarrod

“Why not? What if there’s drugs in here or body parts or something?” – Me

“Don’t be silly, if it was something of that sort why would I give it to you?” –
Jarrod

I threw the envelope in my bag and said, “I suppose you are right”

It was quite thick. It looked like a booklet or something of that sort.

“You can drop me off right there,” I said pointing to a Mc Donalds ahead of us.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright here?” – Jarrod

“Yes I will be fine. Thank you for lunch” – Me

164 | P a g e

I jumped off his car and as soon as I was out on the street, I stopped a taxi home.

When I got home Eunice was hanging the laundry.

“I’m sorry I took so long getting the nappies Eunice… How did you manage?” – Me

“Luckily he hasn’t pooped so the last one is still fresh. He’s still sleeping though” –
Eunice

I was relieved. I felt like such a bad mother, having lunch and enjoying myself
while my son had no nappies or milk.

I put the nappies in the nappy drawer and everything else in the kitchen.

It was still early and there was nothing to do in the house so I started reading a
book I had gotten from the library. I was still a bookworm. Reading gave me an
escape. I could travel all over the world through a book.

Eunice came in not so long after that and told me she was going home. I normally
dropped her off if I was around and my mother was there to look after Manqoba
but I did not even have petrol and she understood the situation.

“You don’t have to worry sisi. I will walk. I have to pass by a friend of mine
anyway” – Eunice.
165 | P a g e

That is one of the reasons I liked her so much, she was graceful.

“Thank you Eunice for everything. I will see you tomorrow” – Me

My mother arrived soon after Eunice left.

“Samke did you cook?” – Mother

“No ma, Eunice had already cooked when I got back” – Me

“Oh” – Mother

I almost burst out laughing because I knew she did not really like Eunice’s cooking.
That was the only thing Eunice was not good at but she felt the need to do it even
when we told her not to.

“I’m going to take a bath and rest my back a bit. When Manqoba wakes up please
bring him to my room. I miss my grandchild” – Mother

Okay ma I will do that. I could not shake the feeling that there was something I
was forgetting to do. Oh yes! The envelope from Jarrod!
166 | P a g e

I waited for my mother to disappear into her room and then I fetched my
handbag from the dining room chair and went into my room. I took a butter knife
and used it to tear the envelope open.

I could not believe what I saw inside when I took a peak.

It was not a booklet but two stacks of money. It looked like a lot of money.

Was this some kind of joke? I knew it was too good to be true, something did not
feel right but I was too broke to care. I took it out of the envelope to make sure
that the notes were real and not fake. I could not believe my luck. They were real
alright!

I counted the money. It was almost twenty thousand rand. Who gives a total
stranger so much money, I asked myself. I hoped the guy was not trying to recruit
me into selling drugs or something.

I got a sms from him about half an hour later.

“Please do not think that there is anything suspicious going on. I noticed that you
might have been struggling with money judging by the way you kept comparing
prices and the items you bought. That money is for you and your son. I only gave it
to you because I liked you and I could help. You do not have to do anything in
return. I would like to have dinner with you on Friday night but you do not have to
if you do not feel comfortable. Buy yourself something nice with that money. This
is my number. Please let me know if we can see each other again. Good Night. J”

I was so happy I could not believe it. Even though it still seemed too good to be
true, I was happy about the money. I wanted to respond to his message but I did
not have airtime on my phone and I wasn’t about to send a “please call me” so I
decided I would just respond when I had bought the airtime.

I started making plans about what I would do first with the money.
167 | P a g e

If I tightened my belt, I could manage to buy start up equipment for my salon with
that. I was going to be very conservative and not buy expensive equipment.

I got all excited just thinking about it but I would have to buy Manqoba’s supplies
first and pay Tshepo back.

That night I went to bed a very happy woman, I could not believe my luck but I
could also not stop thinking about the generous stranger whose name was Jarrod.
I wanted to find out more about him, he was very intriguing so I decided I would
take him up on his offer to go out that Friday. Plus I also needed a bit of
excitement in my life all I had been doing was taking care of my baby, working
and sleeping. It was time for me to get a life.

I could not stop thinking about what would come of this. I was not that stupid I
knew this guy would not just give me money because he was a kind person. There
was definitely more to it. In a weird kind of way the whole thing reminded me of
an incident with my deceased husband. He had also done something like this
when I first met him but I was not a complete stranger to him we had already
been on a date and twenty thousand rand was a lot of money for drawing in a girl
that you have just met. He did give me an option to just carry on and pretend I
never met him and keep the money though so what was the worst that could
happen? I wanted to see what he was all about so I was not going to take that
option.
168 | P a g e

Chapter 24 – Sasa’s Story

On Friday morning I woke up very nervous about my date with Jarrod. I had taken
the offer and we were going to meet for lunch that afternoon at two o’clock at a
restaurant called Signature in Morningside. This time I would come prepared and
so I wanted to look good. I felt a lot more confident when I knew I looked great.

I had paid Tshepo back and bought everything Manqoba needed. I had lied to my
mother when she asked where I got the money and told her I had borrowed it
from Tshepo. I told another lie again and told her I was going job hunting that
afternoon. I didn’t think she would mind if I told her the truth about the date but
it seemed a little safer for me to say I was going job hunting.

After all the domestic chores were taken care of, I got ready for my date with
Jarrod. I wore my grey and black David Tlale dress that Xolani had bought me on
one of his remorseful days after I had gotten a good beating. I paired it with a pair
of black high heels and kept the jewellery minimal. I let my hair lose. My big afro
always drove men crazy for some reason. I never wore extensions. I always kept
my hair natural. I would plait it or style it but hair extensions was not my thing. It
did help that it had a softer texture so maintenance was not so much of an issue. I
would trim down the ends now and then because it would tend to grow too big
but it did not swallow me because I was a big girl myself. I dabbed on some Issey
Miyake fragrance and looked at myself in the mirror. I was satisfied with how I
looked so I left. I was always early and I needed to get there first so I could have
something to calm my nerves before he arrived.

I got into my car and drove there. I was half an hour early so I ordered some gin
and tonic while I waited. He arrived exactly five minutes before two. He did not
spot me immediately. I had to raise my hand for recognition. I forgave him for
that because I did look much more different than the last time he saw me with
the hair loosened, the make – up and all.
169 | P a g e

He also looked good I must say. He was wearing a navy suit and a white shirt but
kept the top button of his shirt slightly open. To say he looked good was an
understatement, he looked hot.

As soon as he saw me he started making his way towards the table where I was
sitting. I could tell he was a regular there judging by the way the waiters were
fussing over him.

He gave me a light kiss on the cheek when he arrived at the table and greeted
then sat down.

“You look stunning and smell great too” – Jarrod

“Thank you… Not looking too bad yourself” – Me

A waiter came and whispered something to him.

“Ok thanks… Sasa I reserved a table for us do you mind if we move there?” –
Jarrod

“Sure…” – Me

He stood up and helped me out of my chair and when we got to the other table
there was already a bottle of champagne there and different types of bread and
spreads.
170 | P a g e

“Sorry… They know what I like to have when I come in so they always keep it
ready for me” – Jarrod

“Not a problem” – Me

We made some small talk and he asked me how my mom and son were. I liked
the fact that he acknowledged my son’s existence.

“Jarrod, I will be very straight with you since you are that type of man and I don’t
want to play games” – Me

“Sure… go ahead” – Jarrod

“I still feel a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that you gave me such a large
amount of money when you did not even know me. Why did you do that? Please
don’t tell me it is because you are a generous person because we both know
there is more to it” – Me

“Well. I will honestly stand by my word. I liked you, I saw that you were struggling
with money and I gave you the money because I can. There is nothing more to it. I
will however admit that I also had another motive for doing that and that was to
convince you to have another date with me but I was okay if you had declined. I
would have been disappointed but I would have respected your choice” – Jarrod

“Okay. Fair response but I’m still amazed” –Me

171 | P a g e

“Well you will always be amazed with me. I know how to take care of a woman” –
Jarrod

This man knew his story. I was already taken and we had not even had our meal.

We talked, ate and drank. It was truly a beautiful time that we shared. I needed
that. I was always cooped up at home and being out with great company was very
therapeutic.

“So what do you do Sasa?” – Jarrod

“I’m actually a hairdresser but the salon I worked for closed its doors over a
couple of months back. I have been job hunting ever since with no luck” – Me

“Why don’t you start your own thing?”- Jarrod

“Well I would if I had the funding” – Me

“If you are going to hang around me you will have to do it soon. I find it very
stimulating when I’m with someone who is working towards independence. I like
my woman to be driven and ambitious. If that is what you want to do, I can help
you” - Jarrod

“Your woman?” – Me
172 | P a g e

He just stared back at me, his eyes spewing passion and making me go weak at
the knees. What was it about this man? He just oozed sex appeal. He did not
respond. The look he gave me said it all.

“It is so nice of you to offer to help me. Wow, I don’t know what to say” – Me

“Just make it happen that’s all you need to do. You don’t have to say anything. I
do have conditions to my offer though” – Me

“What is that?” – Me

“That you become my woman” – Jarrod

“You don’t know what you are getting yourself into” – Me

“I might not know but I would like to” – Jarrod

“Okay… This is awkward” – Me

“Why? It’s either you agree to be my woman or you don’t. It’s that simple” –
Jarrod
173 | P a g e

“But it’s so soon for you to ask that of me” – Me

“So what? Whether it’s today, next week or in two months time, I will ask you so
why not just do it now?” –Jarrod

“Mmmmh … You do have a point but…” – Me

“But what? Do you want to?” –Jarrod

I was silent for a bit and then I thought why not.

“Yes I want to” – Me

“There you go” – Jarrod

“So we are like a couple now?” – Me

“Not like a couple. We are a couple” – Jarrod

He was coming on very strongly but for some reason because it was him who was
doing it, I found it very sexy.
174 | P a g e

A little while later he raised his hand and asked for the bill so we could leave.

“I have a meeting at six so I have to go but I really had a lovely time with you
Sasa” – Jarrod

“I also had a good time” – Me

“Can I call a cab for you? I don’t see you in a taxi dressed like that” – Jarrod

“No don’t worry, I came in my car” – Me

“Oh you drive? Even better… Then we can have late dates if you are fine with
babysitting for your son of course” – Jarrod

“Yes, it can be arranged” – Me

“I will go then. Send me your banking details when you get home,” he said as he
turned to leave.

Is this guy for real? After all the money he gave me he still asks for my banking
details? I was not complaining after all according to him we were officially
girlfriend and boyfriend.
175 | P a g e

I drove home feeling very light. I had a feeling that meeting him would turn things
around for me.

I just had to find a way to explain the money I suddenly had to my mother.
‘Maybe I should just tell her the truth’, I thought to myself.

She would never approve, she would think exactly what I initially thought that it
was too good to be true. I would just have to keep the details to myself.

I was a little bit tipsy when I left the restaurant but by the time I got home I was
fine. I brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth with mouth wash to wash out the
smell of alcohol in my breath. My mom had an early shift that day so I knew she
would be back sooner.

As soon as she came home, I asked her to change and told her I was taking her
out.

“Samke you don’t have money. How are you taking us out?” –Mother

“I will explain. Just get ready” – Me

Eunice had left so I dressed Manqoba in warmer clothing and when my mom was
done I took them to Spur because that was her favourite place. She just loved
their ribs. I took her to a place where she would be comfortable.

My mom ordered a milkshake and I had an appletiser and apple juice for
Manqoba then we started chatting as we waited for our food.
176 | P a g e

‘So I’m waiting to hear the story. Where is this money suddenly coming from” –
Mother

“Well, I borrowed money from Tshepo yesterday and went shopping in Benmore
and then some white guy offered to pay for my stuff. He then asked me to have
lunch with him. After lunch he just gave me some money. He said it was because
he could tell I was struggling and wanted to help out” – Me

My mom shifted uncomfortably in her seat and sort of frowned after I told her
the story.

“Hawu ma? Why does it seem like you have a problem with this?” – Me

“What if that guy wants something in return Samke? You are not a child you know
he wouldn’t just give you money without expecting something in return” –
Mother

“Just let me finish the story. I lied about going job hunting yesterday. I actually
went to meet with him so after a long talk we decided to try out the relationship
thing” – Me

“Ay I don’t know about this it just seems too soon. How much do you trust this
guy?”- Mother
177 | P a g e

“Ma, I’m over thirty. I’m a fully grown woman. I think I can make my own
decisions. I’m obviously not so stupid as to just fall for anything. Let me try it out
and see. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Would you have felt differently
if the guy was black?” – Me

“You know, I really don’t trust these white men and maybe it’s time I tell you the
truth. You have waited for years to hear this. I think God wants me to reveal this
secret to you now”
178 | P a g e

Chapter 25 – Sasa’s Story

“Ma, what is it?” – Me

“Please try to understand why I hid all of this from you for all these years. I was
just trying to protect you from the cruelty of this world but now that you have
decided to go the exact route I was fearing you would take, I must tell you” –
Mother

“I won’t judge you ma. I have my own secrets that I have kept to protect you and
Manqoba so I get it” – Me

I don’t even know why I said that now she would want to know what the secrets
were, me and my big mouth.

“What secrets? Samke is there something you are not telling me?” – Mother

“Aaaarrrgh, it’s not that important. I don’t even know why I mentioned it. Don’t
worry it’s not a big deal. Right now we are not supposed to be discussing that.
You were about to tell me about this big secret of yours” – Me

She gave me that, “it is not the end of this” look but then continued to talk.

I was so nervous because I knew this was not anything light.

179 | P a g e

“Well… You remember how I always told you that I did not know my parents and
they abandoned me as a baby?” – Mother

“Yes?” – Me

“Well I lied to you. I know who my parents are” – Mother

“What? Are you being serious? Why have I never met them? Why did we have to
suffer like we did when you knew where to find them?” – Me

“My mother was a very beautiful black woman from Pietermaritzburg in Kwazulu
Natal. She lost her own parents at a very young age and did not have any siblings
so she was forced to work as a domestic worker. She left the village and moved in
with the Afrikaans family that had hired her to do their cleaning and look after
their children. She told me they were very kind to her especially the man of the
house. He would give her a little bit more than what she was supposed to earn
and even buy her clothing and whatever else she needed without his wife’s
knowledge of course but all of those things came at a price. She had to sleep with
this man. She said she did it because she feared losing her job but then she ended
up falling in love with the man and years later she fell pregnant with me. I was
conceived out of that affair between my mother and her boss” – Mother

The waitress interrupted us as she brought the food. I would not normally do this
but I felt the moment warranted for it.
180 | P a g e

“Can you bring me a glass of dry red wine please? Ma can I get you one as well?”
– Me

Manqoba was still fine with his juice.

“No thanks my baby. I will have another milk shake” – Mother

The waitress left and my mother continued telling her story.

“It was a problem because if she carried on working while pregnant and I was
born the wife would be suspicious because of how I would have looked. My
mother had to then quit her job. She was pressurized by that man to do it
because he did not want his wife to find out about their affair. The other thing
was that all of this happened during the apartheid error so my mixed race would
have raised many eyebrows. My mother was forced to go back to the village and
give birth there” – Mother

The waitress came back with our drinks.

“Ma now everything makes sense. I always wondered why you and I looked the
way we do especially you” – Me

“Yes, Samke my father was white” – Mother

181 | P a g e

“Was? Did he pass away?” – Me

“Yes, he is no more” – Mother

“Have you ever had contact with him?” – Me

“Let me finish the story” – Mother

“Sorry for interrupting you. Go on” – Me

“They hired a temporary helper who would fill in for my mother until she gave
birth and had recovered enough to go back to work. She gave birth and when she
was ready to work she made her way back to her employers house, who was also
my father, only to find that she was no longer welcome. The wife told her they
were happy with the new lady and did not need her any longer so she had to go
back to the village. Life was tough but we would never go to bed hungry because
my mother grew a vegetable garden and the neighbors also helped us with
whatever they could. I could not go to school because my mother feared that my
race would be questioned and she could go to jail for having a child with a white
man. It was only when my mother died and a family from Johannesburg took me
in that I could start going to school” – Me

I had tears in my eyes and I just let them spill over. What my mother had shared
with me was very heavy.
182 | P a g e

“Ma that is so sad. I’m so sorry. What happened to your mother?” – Me

“She just got sick. I still do not know what was wrong with her. She was bed
ridden for a few weeks and then she passed away. I am not sure if she was still in
contact with my father at the time of her passing though. I don’t even know if she
was receiving any financial assistance from him” – Mother

“So you never met your father?” – Me

“I did when I was living in Johannesburg and was much older. I was in high school
when my adoptive mother dressed me up and took me to the bus station where
my father was waiting for us. I could tell he was my father because he looked a lot
like me. The same hazel eyes and the same body structure, apart from looks there
was just something that connected me to him, I can’t explain it. He did not hug
me or show any affection. He was very cold and aloof but I only understood later
on that he could not have done that in public. Meeting with me in public was risky
enough. He gave me some money and a bag full of clothes and toys. He also gave
me a piece of paper with his name, surname and address on it. He told me I
should write him a letter when I was a bit older with just my address nothing else
then he would come and visit me” – Me

I took her hand just to comfort her as she continued speaking.

“All of this affected me a lot and I started being very rebellious and naughty. It
resulted in me dropping out of school and falling pregnant with you. My adoptive
family could not deal with my drama anymore so they kicked me out and I ended
up staying in a backroom with your father in Soweto until he also left me. He just
disappeared and I never found him gain. I lied to you about that part of my life as
183 | P a g e

well. He did not deny that you were his child, he just left us. It was like a vicious
cycle. That is when we started going from place to place because I could not
afford to pay the rent. I was not working and I did not have matric so it was
difficult to find a job. Even if I did, I would not have known what to do with you.
That is when I started sending letters to the address my father had given me. I
would send an address and then we would move and I would send another. It just
did not work. I did as he asked. I sent only the address and wrote nothing else. I
knew he asked me to do that in case his wife opened the letters. I don’t know if
he ever came looking for me but because we were constantly moving from place
to place I stopped sending them. When we were staying at our rented shack and I
started working at the supermarket, I saw an opportunity to finally go looking for
my father at that address. I was older and I was tired of being kept a secret and
there was no reason to be afraid of being arrested or whatever the case may be.
The days of apartheid were gone. I asked for a day off and in the morning I took a
taxi to that address. I found it with the help of taxi drivers. It turned out to be a
house in a plot situated just outside of Joburg. It was still a predominantly
Afrikaans area. I put on my big girl panties and went straight to their gate. I
pressed the bell and waited for a response and to my amazement they just
opened the gate. When I got to the door a huge white man was waiting there. He
looked exactly like my father only younger. I asked to see my father and gave him
his name and surname. He told me that he was his son and that his parents had
both passed away years ago. I was shattered but still hopeful. I told him who I
was. I told him he was my brother and hoped that he would embrace me. Instead
he started screaming all sorts of insults at me, called me a chancer and let the
dogs loose on me. I have never run so fast in my life like I did that day being
chased by angry dogs. Luckily I managed to run out as the gate was still open and
the dogs stopped chasing me. I came back a broken woman. I cried all the way
home. Finding out that my father had passed really broke my heart because I
always had hope that I would find him and he would help to change my situation
but it was too late. My brother’s cruel rejection just broke me even more. I was
completely humiliated and hurt. I did not know how to stop the pain and I knew I
could not tell you what had happened so I went to Pinky’s house to drown my
sorrows. That is when I told Sizwe and he just kept pushing for me to tell you. I
184 | P a g e

just drank and drank because my dream of having a normal life had been
shattered”

I was also in tears after listening to my mother’s story. No wonder she was so
against me being with Jarrod. Finally I knew what started my mother’s drinking
problem.
185 | P a g e

Chapter 26 – Sasa’s Story

Two months later…

I still carried on seeing Jarrod. We had even started sleeping together. We would
always go to this flat in Killarney that apparently belonged to him when we
wanted to be intimate. It was beautifully furnished.

He was the only other man I had slept with after Xolani. Jarrod and I grew closer
but I kept pushing him away because I felt I was not ready for a serious
relationship. He sensed it but he did not put any pressure on me. He was a very
mysterious man. I did not even know where he lived but I did know where his
company was based. He owned an accounting firm. I had been there when all the
staff members had left one day and we even had sex in his office.

Being with him was pure joy. He was not too clingy. One call or message a day
was enough and when I saw him we always had a good time. I was being
controlled enough in my marriage and did not want that ever again. I thought
about Xolani a lot and I have had my fair share of sleepless nights because of the
trauma I endured in that relationship but his spirit still haunted me. I sometimes
would dream that he was in my room and it would feel so real that I would wake
up in a cold sweat. I never talked about it though. I just tried to forget about it
and carried on with life.

It was a Saturday afternoon and I was getting ready to meet Jarrod. My mother
was home so she would be baby-sitting for me. Although she did not say anything
I knew she did not approve of my relationship with Jarrod so I did not discuss him
186 | P a g e

with her. He was not like her brother or father so I did not understand why she
was judging him based on her experience with those two idiots.

I did not know them but I hated them. However I knew how much it hurt my
mother inside because everybody needed to belong so I had taken down the
address she had given me of her father’s house and her father’s name so I could
try to find out more about this family. Maybe there were other family members I
could contact that would welcome her and fill that gap in her heart. Her father’s
name was Andre Fourie. I did not tell her about my plans because I knew she
would not be happy about me digging into those family matters. She wanted to
just forget about them and carry on as if they never existed but their blood ran in
her veins and I knew she would never really find peace if she did not get closure.

I finished getting dressed and then drove off to the flat in Killarney where Jarrod
and I always met. He was already there when I arrived.

We talked a bit while he had his whisky because I had come to find that he was a
fan of it and I had my champagne. We had sex as usual. It was not that great but
he managed to give me an orgasm. That was more than enough. I knew I should
have disclosed my HIV status to Jarrod but I did not know how he would react. I
still needed the money he gave me and I did not want to lose him before I was
financially stable and my salon was up and running so instead I insisted on
condoms. Luckily he also believed in playing safe. It was only once when we were
at his office that he almost got carried away. He had left the condoms in his car
and was too lazy to fetch them but I was not having it. I did not want to infect him
knowingly I would never be able to live with myself.

When we had showered and ready to leave that afternoon, he suddenly got very
serious.

“Sasa please take a seat, this won’t take too long” – Jarrod
187 | P a g e

“What is this all about? Sounds serious” - Me

“It is but don’t worry it’s good news depending on how you will feel about it” –
Jarrod

“Ok… Go ahead,” I said when I was comfortably seated next to him.

“Sasa we are together now and it feels funny for me to have to call you to come
here all the time whenever I have to see you. I want you to live well and I want to
spoil you but you have to be closer to me” – Jarrod

“Jarrod I think we have discussed this. I don’t want to get too serious for now” –
Me

“I know that. You will still have your space, I promise but you will be staying here”
– Jarrod

“What about my son? Who’s going to help me with him if we are here?” – Me

“Leave him with your mother. I will make sure that he has everything he needs
but you must start living your life. You can’t be living under your mother’s roof
forever. You must step out of your comfort zone and experience the world. It will
also help if you are not with your son all day. I’ve noticed you have not started
doing anything about your plans to open a salon. When you have time to yourself
you will have more time to focus on that” – Jarrod
188 | P a g e

“I don’t know Jarrod. It makes sense but I have never been away from my son” –
Me

“Maybe that’s the problem. You are too attached to him so you are putting your
life on hold and that’s not good for both of you. Besides home is not too far from
here, you have a car, you can go and spend time with him whenever you want.
Think about it. I will give you time” – Jarrod

Maybe Jarrod was right. I needed time to myself besides I was sick and tired of
the township where all the neighbors made it a point to be in your business. I
needed my own space. I also could not spend the rest of my life in my mother’s
house. How many people leave their children at home to go and build a life for
themselves? I would not be the first to do that. I did not want to end up like my
mom so I should do things differently. I would miss my son but home was not too
far. I could always still see him whenever I wanted to.

“I don’t need to think about it. I will do it. I will move in here but I still need to
discuss it with my mother” – Me

“That’s my girl. I like what I’m hearing. You can take the keys with you and start
moving in slowly” – Jarrod

I took the keys and when I got home I told my mother about my plans over
dinner.
189 | P a g e

“Ma, you know I’ve been here for more than two years now and I think it’s time
for me to move to my own place” – Me

“Are you not happy here Samke?” – Mother

“I am but I cannot live at home forever. I need to start a life of my own sooner or
later” – Me

“You are not even working yet Samke. How are you going to survive on your
own?” – Mother

“Well Jarrod has been supporting me financially and he is going to help me start
my own business so I don’t need a job for now. I will be staying at his flat but we
won’t be staying together. He has his own house” – Mother

“Samke I can’t stop you. You must do what you feel is right for you but this is not
the right way to go. What if he gets tired of you and kicks you out? What are
going to do then?” – Mother

“He won’t do that ma and anyway I will not make the same mistake I made with
Xolani. I will make sure that I save and start building my business as soon as
possible” – Me
190 | P a g e

“Well then what more can I say? The only thing I will ask of you is to leave
Manqoba here with me. I will ask Eunice to come stay with us so she can be here
full time. I don’t want my grandson moving from place to place” – Mother

She made that part easy for me. I did not have to ask.

“Okay ma. I will leave Manqoba with you. We will increase Eunice’s payment and
she can stay here to look after the both of you” – Me

“It’s okay even though I will miss your cooking. Now I am going to live on boiled
food” – Mother

I laughed knowing that she was referring to Eunice’s cooking.

Even though she was not happy with my decision, I knew Manqoba would be fine
with her. I had no doubt about that so that gave me peace. I wanted to start
packing immediately but I knew that it was probably not the wisest thing to do so
I waited till the following day when my mom had gone to work. I only took two
large suitcases of my stuff. I was not taking everything yet.

I moved it to the flat and unpacked there but then went back home and slept
there. I called Jarrod to let him know I had moved my stuff in already. He was very
happy about that.

I missed my freedom honestly… I could not wait to move in and start a new life.

Little did I now that it would be the beginning of a very disruptive era in my life.
191 | P a g e

Chapter 27 – Sasa’s Story

The first few weeks in the flat were pure bliss. Jarrod was giving me a monthly
allowance of twenty thousand rand so I was very comfortable. On top of that
amount he sent four thousand rand for Manqoba’s needs which I would give to
my mother. He told me to save money from my allowance for the business
because he feared that I would not value my business if the capital was served on
a silver platter. I started saving ten thousand rand every month and I spent the
rest. I lived there rent free so I did not really have any expenses. I went back to
my fabulous life of shopping and going out. I even tracked down my group of
friends from college. The other two had become boring career orientated women
and did not go out much but Palesa was always game for anything. We went out
almost every weekend. We would even go clubbing. I had the time of my life until
Jarrod started controlling my movements. I did not appreciate that it just
reminded me of my marriage but I had to grin and bear it because he was my only
source of income. The relationship I had with Palesa was still the same as it was in
college and I preferred it that way. Palesa was from a rich family and she was a bit
of a spoilt brat so we did not have much in common. The only thing I liked about
her was that she was fun and she did not judge me. I never took her to my flat
and I sure as hell did not introduce her to Jarrod. She had traits of an opportunist
besides I had learnt a hard lesson through Lerato.

In everything I did though I never forgot to take my pills. I would take them every
day on time because the last thing I wanted to do was to get sick.

I made sure that Jarrod never saw me taking them otherwise that would have
been the end of me.

I would ignore Jarrod’s constant nagging about me going out too much so I would
lie about it at times but somehow he always found out about it. He started
192 | P a g e

introducing these weird toys that I was not so keen on and he would always use
them on me as punishment when I did not take his orders and went out.

I always knew there would be a catch in all of this but it was not as bad as I
thought it would be until he brought another lady to the flat one Friday and asked
that we have a threesome. I was disgusted but I also did not want to put him off
so I did it. Little did I know that it would become a regular thing. He started doing
that every Friday and every Friday it was a different girl. I started losing interest in
Jarrod very quickly because I thought he was perverted. It started making sense to
me why he was so generous with money because he knew it would make me stay.
He preyed on my weakness. He was right though, I did stay. I had to do what I had
to do temporarily to ensure a good future for myself and my son. The good thing
was that he did not come to the flat very often.

I was never in love with Jarrod, I would call what I felt for him infatuation but that
quickly turned into something else. I would feel like puking every time I saw him
because of the things he made me do. I was his sex slave but at least it was only
twice a week then I could do as I pleased. I went home often and when I was not
home I would be out shopping or out with Palesa. Soon all the plans I had made
to start my salon were forgotten. There was just something about easy money
that made one think that it would keep coming.

One Saturday night I was out with Palesa. We were at a hotel in Sandton
attending some function that one of Palesa’s friends had invited us to. We were
dressed to the nines and the champagne just kept coming. I was enjoying the
good life. I felt like I was dreaming and did not want to wake up. The whose who
of Joburg were in full attendance. I was rolling with the cream of the crop.

That had become a norm since I started hanging with Palesa. I noticed that she
kept going to the bathroom with her friend. I felt a little bit left out.

“My lady what is up with you and that bathroom?” –Me

193 | P a g e

“Life my friend… Life” –Palesa

“You sound as high as a kite”, I said laughing.

“That’s because I am” – Palesa

“Care to elaborate?” – Me

“Join us… come”, she said as she pulled me by the wrist.

Her friend also followed us.

They pulled me into a cubicle and signaled for me to be quiet.

Palesa then pulled out a packet with white powder inside. The other girl pulled
out a magazine from her huge handbag. I was wondering why she was carrying
that humongous thing because it was not matching with her outfit at all. Palesa
closed the toilet seat, poured the white contents onto the magazine, took out a
hundred rand note and rolled it. In the meantime the other girl took out a bank
card and started making lines from the white stuff.

It was cocaine. I had never seen it with my naked eye but I had seen it on TV.
What was Palesa doing with this stuff anyway?
194 | P a g e

I looked at them with amazement as they sniffed the lines using the rolled bank
note. They would then look up as if the sensation was heavenly. Palesa tugged at
my dress and then handed me the rolled bank note.

“Just sniff. Pull all the way down”, she whispered referring to the two lines that
were left on the magazine.

“I don’t know if I can” I whispered back.

“Try it once, if you don’t like it then its fine you leave it” – Palesa

I always heard that this stuff was extremely addictive.

“Wont I get addicted” – Me

They both laughed.

“From doing it once? No you won’t” – Palesa

“In that case… let me try” – Me

I did exactly what Palesa had told me to do.

I did it again with the next line. It hit me immediately.

195 | P a g e

It was a beautiful feeling. I did not feel drunk or disorientated. I felt alert, sexy and
confident. I felt like I could conquer the world. I loved the feeling.

“This is good… Oh this is awesome” – Me

“This is pure stuff. Not that washing powder people buy in town” –Palesa’s friend.

We went out the cubicle and checked our faces on the mirror for traces of the
powder then we refreshed and went back to join the rest of the party.

I felt amazing! The effect lasted for quite a while. I was never one to stand up and
dance in front of people even though I could dance very well but that night I did.
All eyes were on me and I felt like a star. So many guys were approaching me to
get my number that evening but I would brush them off.

We did more and more lines until we ran out. I told Palesa to call their supplier
and I would pay. She went to the side and made a phone call. Not even ten
minutes later. She came to tell me that the guy was outside. We went to the
parking lot and he was sitting in his car and only got out when he saw us
approaching.

He was a very handsome guy, not your typical drug dealing looking guy. He was
tall, light skinned and well groomed.

His eyes were glued on me as we came towards him.

“Where is it Brian?” – Palesa

196 | P a g e

“Under the brick there next to the bin”, he said pointing with his eyes.

“Thank you. Sasa we better get back inside” – Palesa

“Wait… Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?” – Brian

“She’s not in your league bro, bye” – Palesa

I followed her back inside after we got the cocaine from the spot where Brian had
hidden it.

“Palesa, why didn’t you introduce me to that guy? He’s hot” – Me

“He’s broke” – Palesa

“So what? He would make a good lover though” – Me

“Sasa trust me, the guy is a low life” – Palesa

I let it go but thought to myself that I would make a way to see him again.
197 | P a g e

The following morning, I felt so down and depressed. I remembered that I had
taken all that cocaine for the first time. It was probably the after effects that I was
feeling.

I just took a shower, made myself some breakfast and started thinking about my
mother and son. I had to see them soon but not that weekend. We had another
party to attend and I was looking forward to it. I needed that white powder in my
life. It made me feel so good the previous night, the nice thing about it was that it
did not make you look drunk or high. It just made you alert and confident.

“How do you think brain surgeons keep their cool when performing such complex
surgery? They take pure cocaine. So do most artists and celebrities”, Palesa had
said the previous night. I did not blame them, the stuff was good. I just wished
she had warned me about the withdrawals.

I called my mother to find out if they were still fine. She just made me feel guilty
by telling me how much Manqoba missed me. I had stopped visiting as frequently
as I used to. It was not about to change though because my schedule was packed.
I would see them when I was free again. I remembered that I had even forgotten
to take my ARVs the previous day. ‘I won’t die from skipping one day’, I thought
to myself.

Speaking to my mother reminded me to call the private investigator I had hired to

find the rest of my mom’s family. She would kill me if she found out but I had to
do it.

“Hi there… This is Sasa from Killarney” – Me

198 | P a g e

“Hi Sasa… Your case is a tough one hey. This family is very private and they are
difficult to trace. I have a lead I am working on though. If it all goes well you might
be able to get some information from me in a few days” – Investigator

“Perfect. Please let me know” – Me

I hung up and started channel hopping. I wanted a good movie that would give
me an escape. In the meantime I could not stop thinking about Palesa’s dealer…
Brian.
199 | P a g e

Chapter 28 - Sasa’s Story

The following day at the party I managed to convince Palesa to give me Brian’s
contact details. I needed to find that man and make him mine even if it was for
one night. I don’t know what it was about that man but there was something
about him. I called him and we met at the parking lot of the shopping center
down the road. I told him I wanted some snow (cocaine) but I had actually wanted
to see him. I got there and jumped into his car, he gave me the snow and I put it
in my bra.

“Your friend Palesa doesn’t want me talking to you, she thinks I’m too low class
for you” – Brian

“Well Palesa is not the one who makes those decisions. That is for me to decide”
– Me

“So do you not think I’m too low class for you?” – Brian

“If you knew where I come from in life you would not even be asking me that
question. Anyway, the answer to your question is no” – Me

“I like you Sasa. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders unlike those
Barbie dolls you call friends” – Brian
200 | P a g e

“They are not my friends but they are not Barbie dolls either. There’s a lot more
to them but they have been swallowed by the world of glitz and glam” – Me

“Mmmmh… So why hasn’t that world swallowed you as well” – Brian

“Because Brian, I know where I come from and unlike them I was not born with a
silver spoon in my mouth” – Me

Did I really escape being swallowed by that world? Look at me sitting in a car with
a bra full of drugs and a stranger I could not wait to get into bed with. What had I
become?

“Brian you have just made me go deep in thought and I’m avoiding that. Let me
go back to my flat and take a few lines. Can I call you later? Maybe we can meet
for a drink”- Me

“I will be at home studying later so I don’t know if I can go for drinks” – Brian

“Where is home?” – Me

“Alex” – Brian

“Really? I’m from Alex and I was planning to go home this afternoon to visit my
mom and my son”, I lied.
201 | P a g e

“Well why don’t you come and visit me too?” – Brian

“Send me you address. You’ve got my number right?” – Me

“Yes, I will save it” – Brian

“I can drop you off at home if you don’t mind” – Brian

“No its fine, I feel like walking back” – Me

I was not about to risk Jarrod catching me walking out of some guy’s beat up old
car.

I started walking back as soon as I got home I made some lines on the kitchen
counter and sniffed some snow.

I got that rush I loved so much again. I kept doing lines throughout the day until it
was time for me to get ready but then I got a call from Jarrod.

“I hope you are not planning on going somewhere because I’m on my way there
and I’m going to punish you. You’ve been a very naughty girl” – Jarrod

I rolled my eyes. This guy thought he was Christian Grey or something. He was
really not well upstairs.
202 | P a g e

“Jarrod I need to go home and see my son” – Me

“I won’t be long”, he said as he hung up.

I was so mad. He was ruining my plans and now I had to role play and do all sorts
of crazy things when all I wanted to do was see Brian… Correction… Fuck Brian.

Jarrod arrived but I gave him such a cold stare straight from the door.

“Which one are we doing today? The nurse? The maid? Or the sailor?” I asked
deliberately sounding annoyed.

“Neither one” – Jarrod

“Please give me some whisky and then come and sit here next to me” – Jarrod

I poured him the whisky in a tumbler from the bottle he always kept at my flat
and handed it to him. I then sat next to him crossing my legs. He took a sip of his
drink.

“Sasa… You have been acting very much out of character these past few months. I
thought it was just a phase but you keep going deeper and deeper in shit. What
203 | P a g e

happened to that bubbly woman I met stretching herself to the limit for her
child?”- Jarrod

“Do you really want me to answer that question?” – Me

“I wouldn’t ask if I was not expecting an answer” – Jarrod

Jarrod was always so cold. I wanted to slap some emotion into him. It was sexy in
the beginning but it had just become so annoying.

“Okay… You happened. Do you think I enjoy playing these disgusting characters of
yours so you can get an erection, fuck me and leave? When I agreed to come here
I thought we were going into a relationship but I seem to be more of a sex slave.
We never go out. We do nothing else but have sex. To top it all off you then bring
these whores here for threesomes. What do you take me for?” – Me

“I take you as my woman. That is what happens when you are my woman. I never
promised you anything else. The only thing I did promise you was space and I did
give you space but you are misusing it” – Jarrod

“I have to go out if that’s what you are talking about otherwise what else do you
expect me to do in this flat all day?” – Me

“I expect you to work on a business plan for your salon and to actually start doing
something about it. I told you from day one that I liked a woman who is ambitious
204 | P a g e

and focused did I not? So if you want to act like just another prostitute, I will treat
you like one” – Jarrod

“Ouch… That hurt. So you are calling me a prostitute?” – Me

“Yes I am because you have turned yourself into one. I gave you an opportunity to
make something of your life but you chose to party and have sex in exchange for
money” – Jarrod

“Is that what you call an opportunity?” – Me

“No but I gave you a choice and you chose that route, not only that but you have
also chosen to become a junkie” – Jarrod

“Think about what I have just said. I do not condone what you are doing and if
you don’t change your ways you will be out of here quicker than you can say,
snow. I know what drugs can do to people, trust me you don’t want to end up
there” – Jarrod

He stood up, took his phone in his hand and left.

I sat there stunned. How did he know about the snow?

I suddenly felt like just staying home and thinking about my life. Jarrod had been
very blunt but everything he said was true. I did not think of it that way. What was
I doing? I also did not recognize myself. What Jarrod had said to me made me feel
like a failure and all the feelings of hurt and pain came flooding back. It was too
205 | P a g e

much for me to handle so I took some more snow to escape the pain. It made me
feel much better. It numbed the pain. I decided to still go to Alex. I would go to
Brian’s house first then go home to see my son.

Brian was lying on his bed studying when I arrived. The GPS had taken me on a
wild goose chase but I finally found Brian’s place. He lived in a room at the back of
a neat four room house. I did not even tell him that I was on my way to his place, I
wanted to surprise him. His room was beautifully furnished with good quality
stuff probably bought with money he made from selling drugs.

“Hey there” – Me

“Sasa… wow. I did not think you were serious when you said you would come.
What a nice surprise. Come in” – Brian

“So this is where you lay your head down?” I asked as I came in.

“Yep” – Brian

“It’s a nice room… There was a point in my life when I would have given anything
to stay in a place like this” – Me

“Really? You must tell me all about that” –Brian

206 | P a g e

“I would rather not. I don’t like talking about that much” – Me

“I understand. Can I get you something to drink?” – Me

“I’m okay for now” – Me

“Okay you will let me know if you need anything. Make yourself comfortable” –
Brian

The bed was the only place I could sit so I jumped on the bed.

“So I did not ask you what you were studying for” – Me

“I’m studying nursing and right now I’m studying for an important test that I’m
writing next week” – Brian

“Next week? And you are already studying. I wish I had your kind of discipline” –
Me

Brian and I talked until quite late. We ended up drinking ciders and I had my
snow. He did not touch the stuff even though he sold it.

I had such a good time that I did not even keep track of time. I ended up sleeping
over at his place. We had sex.
207 | P a g e

He was so good in bed. I loved every minute of it. I had brought condoms because
I had planned this. I had never had such great sex ever! He was honestly the best.
I noticed that it started feeling extra good just before we both came. When I
looked, there was no condom. The idiot had removed the condom and that was
when I conceived my second son that was also the day when Brian might have
gotten infected with HIV.

I could blame Jarrod for the dark route I was walking but truth be told it was the
decisions that I made that got the dominoes to come tumbling down. I started
doing cocaine regularly, I neglected to go home because I was too busy partying
and I forgot all about my plans to start my own business. I was just drifting with
the wind and it felt good at the time. I continued doing cocaine because it helped
me to forget about the secret I had harbored inside for years. It stopped feeling
good after a while. I was just taking it because I got addicted. It started making me
feel paranoid and depressed. Cocaine also brought Brian into my life. He was a
good person deep down inside but he was surrounded by a life of crime. The only
good thing that came out of that whole situation was my pregnancy. I did not
always see it that way though. I was absolutely shattered when I found out I was
pregnant. How could it have happened in one go when I had tried for years with
Xolani? I did not even want this, it would change everything.
208 | P a g e

Chapter 29 – Sasa’s Story

I had carried on with my life after that day like nothing happened. I tried to
convince myself that it was all just a bad dream. I continued partying and going
deeper in the darker path of drug addiction. The morning after the night of
passion with Brian I had gone straight back to my flat. I was too distraught to face
my mother and son. I never went to see them after that. I couldn’t face my
mother because I was in a very dark place and I knew she would notice
immediately. I knew there was a possibility that I had infected Brian. Instead of
facing my problems I kept pumping the snow and partying like there was no
tomorrow. I remember the day I had found out I was pregnant. I started feeling
nauseas and I had missed my period. I knew the signs from my first pregnancy so I
bought a home pregnancy kit only to find a positive result. I went and bought two
more because I just could not grasp the news. The other two also came out
positive. I was pregnant with Brian’s child.

I still saw Brian after that day because he was my dealer. I bought my snow from
him. He was still pursuing me but I kept pushing him away even though I knew I
could not keep on doing it.

He still didn’t know about the pregnancy because I was hoping by some miracle it
would go away. I pumped the drugs hoping it would cause me to miscarry but
nothing happened. As a result I started going into my savings for the drug money.
I could not afford to carry on with the pregnancy because that would mean the
end of my life as Jarrod’s play thing. What did Brian have to offer me? I could not
leave the life I was living to go and shack up with him in a backroom. The whole
thing was just depressing. I had to abort the pregnancy and I decided that was
what I would do until one drunken evening. I had wine and got drunk, that was
the purpose after all. I wanted to stay intoxicated all the time so that I would not
have to deal with all these problems, the guilt and the pregnancy. I seriously don’t
209 | P a g e

know how I avoided getting sick during that period. That evening I called Brian to
order some snow, I had run out.

He invited me to come to his place instead because he did not have a car, it was
somewhere getting fixed. I had no choice but to go because I had to feed my
addiction so I drove to Alex as drunk as I was.

When I got there he had bought some bunny chows for the two of us and he had
ciders in the fridge. He begged me to stay the night so we could talk. I had not
told Brian about my HIV status yet and the fact that there was a strong possibility
he could also be infected. I avoided having ‘alone time’ with him because it was
hard to look him in the eye and not say anything.

I felt like I needed someone to talk to though. I just wanted some human contact.
Palesa had stopped calling and even Jarrod had stopped coming over to see me at
the flat and it was scary because the last time I saw him, he sounded like he knew
about the drugs.

I stayed at Brian’s place that night. We ate and drank ciders. I liked the simplicity
in Brian’s lifestyle but it did not necessarily mean I wanted it for myself. We talked
and talked, Brian was such a good listener and I ended up telling him about my
previous relationship with Xolani. I even revealed things about the blackmail and
by accident I also told him about the day I found out about my HIV status and my
first pregnancy. He immediately stood up from the bed.

“Sasa are you saying you are HIV positive?” – Brian

He was fuming but I was too drunk to care anyway he made the stupid decision to
take off the condom without my knowledge that day so he must deal with the
consequences.

“Yes, I am” – Me
210 | P a g e

“Why didn’t you tell me? We slept together” – Brian

“You would have had nothing to worry about if you had not been so sneaky and
removed the condom so you only have yourself to blame for that” – Me

He sat down on the bed again deep in thought but I suddenly felt I had enough
strength to tell him about the pregnancy as well.

“There’s something else I have to tell you Brian…” – Me

“What is it?” – Brian

“I’m pregnant” – Me

He just looked at me, shocked but I was so touched by his actions after the truth
had set in. He began to talk to me to stop the drugs and the drinking for the sake
of the baby. He begged me to keep the baby saying it would be his only child and
he promised to take care of it. I was swayed from having an abortion. After talking
to Brian I decided I would keep the baby. We decided to find a flat where we
would stay together and try to build a relationship for the sake of our baby. He
even suggested that we bring Manqoba one day when we are both stable.

I agreed but told him I would not do it at that time because he was better off with
my mom.
211 | P a g e

I knew that if I carried on with the pregnancy Jarrod would kick me out anyway so
it was good that I was making other arrangements while there was still time.

Brian took on the task of finding a flat for us but I told him that he could move in
first and I would try to get as much as I could from Jarrod before he caught on.

To my dismay I started showing much earlier than I had thought. I was chubby but
I never had a big tummy so I knew that Jarrod would start asking questions. Funny
enough he was still not coming over to the flat. It had been three month of not
seeing him but he was still depositing my monthly allowance for me. I wondered
what was going on until he called one day.

“Sasa we must talk, I think you also know that” – Jarrod

“Yes I know, I was wondering what happened to you”- Me

“Don’t go anywhere. I will be there in half an hour” –Jarrod

Just as he had promised, he was there in half an hour.

“Sasa are you seeing someone behind my back?” – Jarrod

“What do you mean?” –Me

“Answer the question” – Jarrod

212 | P a g e

I kept quiet not knowing what to say. I knew that he would know about the
pregnancy sooner or later so I could not lie.

“It was just a one night stand” – Me

“And now you are pregnant?” – Jarrod

How the hell did he know about that as well? There was something weird about
all that. It seemed like he always knew what I was up to and I did not know how.

“How did you know that?”- Me

“Look over there” he said pointing to a small black round object on the corner of
the room. That is called a camera. I got so furious I almost slapped him but he
managed to grab my hand before my palm landed on his face. The whole time he
had been spying on me. I was disgusted.

“I saw everything you got up to and when I saw you holding a home pregnancy
test, your body language said it all. I have also seen you taking cocaine numerous
times” - Jarrod

“Why would you do something like that? You are sick” –Me

He just smiled and said, “ You have two options, either to go and make a life of
your own somewhere or to come and work for me at my other little business” –
Jarrod
213 | P a g e

“What business is that?” – Me

“Here is the address… Please go and see it tomorrow. I will let them know of your
arrival. Basically what I’m saying to you is that you can’t stay here anymore.
Whether you decide to ditch me and move on with your life or to go and work for
me at the place I just told you about, either way you cannot stay here” –Jarrod

“It was expected so it’s fine I will go. What about my allowance?” – Me

“I will carry on helping with your child if you start working for me but no more
allowance. I will however cut you off completely if you decide to move on” -
Jarrod

I decided to move on. I was not going to start working for that sick man. That was
the end of my life as a blesse. I knew it was not going to last. I did not even go to
see the business Jarrod was talking about. I would move in with Brian at our new
flat and try to build a family with him. I was not in love with Brian at that point but
I learnt to love him. Brian was a criminal and I knew he had a lot of secrets but he
was a gentle soul.

I still had quite a large sum of money that I had kept from my monthly allowance
in spite of spending on drugs, so I would be fine.

I moved out of Jarrod’s flat and moved into a two bedroomed flat with Brian.

I did not have too many expectations but Brian surprised me by being very
supportive and loving. Brian taught me how to be loved and he taught me how to
214 | P a g e

value myself all over again because through the years I had lost that. I even quit
drugs.

I went back to being the Samkelisiwe I could live with. I was able to go home again
and visit my mother and son regularly. Even though she did not say it, I saw the
disapproval in her eyes. She did not like the arrangement I had with Brian and she
did not like the direction my life was taking but I was happy and I was not going to
let that bother me. The pregnancy came as a shock to her as well but in time she
accepted it.

Brian and I were happy overall until I found out that he was already married to
someone else.

I was furious when a Congolese lady came to my flat to confront me about

shacking up with her husband. At first I thought she might have mistaken me for
someone else but after talking to her I realized that it really was Brian she was
talking about. I had always wondered why Brian had insisted on keeping his room
in Alex and now I knew that it was because he kept the wife that suddenly
decided to follow him to South Africa there. After many nights of fighting and
frustrations I decided to forgive Brian because I understood why he had kept it
from me. He was not in love with this woman, it was evident. It had been an
arranged marriage and that is why he chose to leave her behind at first.

She became a problem for a while until Brian proposed to me and asked me to be
his second wife. I never thought I would ever agree to such but I loved Brian and I
did not want to lose him he was my crutch, his first wife had no choice but to
agree because she could see that I was not going anywhere. I was there to stay.

She came around and we started being civil with one another. She carried on
staying in Alex and Brian would alternate between us and his first wife. It worked
for us but that meant another mouth to feed which took a toll on our already
dwindling financial situation.
215 | P a g e

Brian had to quit selling drugs and started selling clothing, shoes and handbags
that he imported from Hong Kong. It kept us going while I used the money that I
had saved to pay for his college fees and also to take care of my own needs.

During that era of my life I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and we named him

Olwethu.
216 | P a g e

Chapter 30 – Sasa’s Story

We were an unusual family but we were happy and we lived in this way for two
more years. Manqoba would spend every weekend at our place and he would be
at my mother’s house on weekdays because he had started attending pre- school
on that side. Olwethu stayed with us. Everything was working like a well-oiled
machine.

I even got time to look into my mother’s family history again. The previous private
detective I had hired had no luck in locating other siblings or family members
from my grandfather’s side but I did not give up. I hired another private
investigator because I had a feeling the one I had hired initially did not really
know his story.

Brian’s business started suffering because he spent most of his time studying. I
knew it was up to me to keep the money coming in so we could pay our bills so I
called Jarrod. I hoped that he was still prepared to give me the job he had once
offered me.

“Hi Jarrod, it’s Sasa.How are you doing” – Me

“Hi stranger… I’m good. It’s been a while, you just disappeared on me. I take it
you have another little one now?” – Jarrod

“Yes I do. He is just over two years old now” – Me

217 | P a g e

“That’s wonderful… What can I do for you” – Jarrod

“Jarrod, I’m having a bit of trouble with my finances so I wanted to find out if you
can still give me that job you had offered me?” –Me

“Look Sasa, that position is still available for you. I can give you the address and
you can go and see if you can handle it. I will tell them to expect you but please
pitch up this time” – Jarrod

“I definitely will” – Me

I took down the address and made my way there. I no longer had the BMW, it had
started giving me problems because it got too old so I sold it. I would use Brian’s
car or he would drive me around and take me wherever I needed to go.

I took a meter taxi on that particular day which took me to the address Jarrod had
given me. I was a little bit unsure when I got there because that place looked like
a house but I went in anyway. To my horror I found out that the place was
actually a brothel. The ladies there explained to me how it worked and I was told I
would be doing only the admin. I was happy to do that but I was not happy about
working at a brothel. What other choice did I have though? I took the job.

I was shocked that Jarrod was actually in the sex industry. Who would have
thought? That man was really not well.

I started working there and I told Brian all about it. He had been exposed to these
types of places during his time as a drug dealer so it was not such a big deal to
him.
218 | P a g e

After a while I became very familiar with the whole set up and before I knew it, I
was taking a client here and there for extra money. I actually started prostituting
myself.

Drugs were a norm in the house and I ended up relapsing because cocaine was so
freely available. I hid the fact that I was taking drugs again from Brian. I tried to do
it only when I had a client. It helped me to feel more relaxed.

At this point in my life I met a beautiful lady that turned out to be a good friend
to me. I had sworn to not let any friend too close to me and that is why I was very
guarded about my private life. I did not let her in on things that were happening
in my life. She knew very little about me but she seemed to not mind.

Her name was Nomonde.

I met Nomonde at the clinic when I went to collect my CD4 count test results. I
was first struck by her beauty but then I noticed how uncomfortable she looked. I
wondered why until the receptionist blurted out that she was going to room
seven. I knew that she was there to pick up ARVs because that is what happened
at room seven. She then sat next to me and I felt compelled to talk to her and
make her feel more at ease. She reminded me a lot about myself when I first
started coming to the clinic for ARVs.

Our friendship started there and we were inseparable from that day onwards.

She was going through a lot in her marriage so I would sometimes even sleep over
at her house with the kids just to try and help her through it. I had never met
anyone like her. She was an amazingly genuine person. She gave me balance in
my own life that I really needed at that crazy point in my life. I was able to go
work at the brothel and leave it all behind as soon as I Ieft and not take that home
with me and she had a lot to do with that even though she did not even know
about my line of work. We were very different but we had a lot in common. She
also had a tough childhood and she liked the same things I liked. Unlike me
219 | P a g e

though, she had mostly made the right choices in life. I envied that. I must admit I
was even a little jealous of her because of it.

It was also during this time that I had also reconnected with Palesa because of
drugs. She was the only one who knew that I was using again. She had been
disowned by her parents because of all the partying and drugs. They were issuing
her some tough love. Palesa and I were a lethal combination because we did not
reprimand each other. Her life was also in shambles. She was living from place to
place while job hunting. Palesa was honestly just a lost soul.

At that point in my life I also met Thandeka who was Jarrod’s new recruit. I had
come to find that what Jarrod had done with me when I met him is what he did
with most of the girls that ended up working in the brothel. When Jarrod asked
me to go and speak to Thandeka as he was about to place her in the brothel, I saw
something in that girl’s eyes. I did not want her to end up like me and she was so
young but she did not trust me much, I could tell. She ended up in Jarrod’s house
instead of the brothel because rumor had it that she had fallen pregnant with
Jarrod’s child. I stopped trying to help her because she had obviously fallen in love
with Jarrod and anything I said to her would obviously not count. Eventually
though she ended up at the brothel. I felt sorry for her because she seemed like a
bright young girl who just landed in Jarrod’s clutches. I really liked her. That was
until I found out that she knew Brian and not only that but she had slept with him.
That is when all the trouble began. I was reminded of Lerato and Xolani’s betrayal
and all the torture they had put me through. It made me bitter all over again.
Brian had lied to this girl and not only that he manipulated her into sleeping with
him. I could not blame her because at the time that it happened she did not know
about me and Brian. I had not even met her. I admired her honesty but I was still
bitter. As for Brian, after everything that he and I had been through together,
after everything I had told him about myself he still went and betrayed me. He
cheated on me.
220 | P a g e

I was angry. I was furious. I went as far as breaking up with him but he would not
accept that. He then told me he was divorcing his first wife to marry me officially
because he knew how I felt about that. I had missed out on that in my
relationship with Xolani. I wanted to do things properly this time because I felt
that I had the right to be treated as his wife should anything happen.

Unbeknown to me, he had already told his first wife about his plans but she lost
it. She came to my flat in a rage and as soon as I opened the door she stabbed me.
She stabbed me multiple times on my upper limbs, chest and back.

I thought I was dying. I thought that karma had finally caught up with me.

In the meantime before that Brian and I had gone through a lot of set- backs
financially because our son had to start school as well and the burden had just
become too much and before I found out about him and Thandeka he had
reminded me of the story I had told him about how I blackmailed Xolani and how
it worked out so smoothly. He then suggested that we do it to Nomonde’s
husband when I told him I had seen Nomonde’s husband at the brothel.

He planned this whole thing of setting him up with one of the girls there. I went
along with it. I had used Thandeka because she seemed quite naïve and I also
thought Nomonde’s husband, Sandile would like her.

I agreed to all this because I made decisions under the influence of drugs which
was something not even Brian knew about.

After leaving the hospital Nomonde found out how I had betrayed her. She had
been there for me through everything and I had become the Lerato in her life. I
had set her husband up to have an affair with Thandeka so I could blackmail him
for money. I had also blackmailed him into giving Palesa a job.
221 | P a g e

Thandeka also grew a backbone and she was not having any part of the cruel plan
anymore and in my desperation I forced her to fake a pregnancy and claim that
Nomonde’s husband had impregnated her because my plan had backfired.

I was a complete monster and all I did was lie and scheme.

I was in way over my head and I hurt a lot of people in the process.

The scars all over my body as a result of the stabbing meant that I could not work
at the brothel as a prostitute anymore. Brian and I lost everything because neither
of us was working. It put a lot of pressure on our relationship and we ended up
going our separate ways.

Yet again I was back at home in Alex with no job and I had wasted years of my life
screwing up. I was down and out. All I had was the money I had saved for rainy
days in a different account. I had no car, no job, two kids to feed, clothe and
educate and Brian had left me. I was a complete joke in the township. I had made
a complete mess of my life and I could see the disappointment on my mother’s
face every time she looked at me. I did not blame her.

I was home, feeling sorry for my face when the private investigator I had hired to
find my mother’s family called me and told me that he had found our relatives.

He found out that my mother had three brothers. One of them was the one that
stayed at the family home, the other was in Cape Town and the last born brother
was right here in Joburg.

He sent me a list of names and pictures via e-mail. I went through them but when
I saw the name and picture of my mother’s youngest brother, I felt like I had been
kicked in the gut. It was a picture of Jarrod. Yes, the Jarrod that I had sex with
countless times. He was my uncle.
222 | P a g e

After everything that I had to deal with, I gave up on life and I became numb to
everything. I lost the feeling of joy completely. I stopped taking care of myself,
what was the point? Everything that had happened led me to that point. I was
exhausted. I did not see a way out so I went and bought poison and I ended it.

Dear Ma

I never told Jarrod ma that he was my uncle. He still doesn’t know but now you
know. You can go through my emails to find the information about your brothers if
you want to get in touch with them. I left all my passwords for you in a piece of
paper inside my laptop. You will find also a book document I wrote to Nomonde
there. I know I apologized to her and she forgave me but I still feel that I owe her
an explanation about why I did what I did to her.

There is also a letter that I wrote to Thandeka, please find it on the laptop and
give it to her as well. I never got a chance to apologize to her because I did not
have her number anymore and when I tried to leave her a message on her inbox
on facebook, I was shocked to see the nude pictures of her splashed all over her
wall. I hope she finds whoever did that to her because she might think it was me
but it was not me.

Ma please find it in your heart to forgive me. After everything that you and I went
through, I should have been able to pick myself up and give you a better life but I
failed dismally. I had imprisoned myself in guilt. That guilt ate away at me until
there was nothing left to salvage. I should have listened when you told me to start
getting nearer to God. I should have listened because I would have known earlier
that Jesus Christ came to die for our sins so that we could be without sin in the
eyes of our father. I would have known that when he was hanging on the cross
and said it is done he meant that he had taken away all our sins and we could be
pure no matter what in God’s eyes. I would have known that I am forgiven
223 | P a g e

through grace. I would have known that God forgave me for killing Manqoba’s
father. I lied ma. I killed Xolani. He did not commit suicide. I found him drunk and
passed out in the garage. I took his gun from the safe and placed it in his hand,
put his finger on the trigger and pulled the trigger with my finger on top of his. I
was wearing gloves that is why they found no trace of gun powder on my hand.

I will never forget the sight of him hanging on the steering wheel of his car after I
had shot him. I regretted it immediately but there was no going back. He had
pushed me too far. I hated him but he did not deserve what I did to him.

I lived with the guilt of that secret for the rest of my life until it all became too
much for me. I did not tell you that on a good night I only slept for four hours and
on a bad night it would be a few minutes here and there ever since that night. His
image haunted me day and night and I could not even sleep.

I paid the price for it. I paid dearly because I will never get to see my children
grow. That is the real reason why I chose drugs and alcohol. I wanted to forget. I
wanted to get rest from the taunting image of Xolani.

There is no way I could ever justify this but I hope that you will understand after
reading the story of my life.

I will always love you

Samkelisiwe.

Dear Manqoba and Olwethu

224 | P a g e

My children… I am sorry for everything I have done. I am sorry for robbing you of
your mother at such a tender age. I hope that you will one day find it in your
hearts to forgive me.

Manqoba I cannot express how regretful I am of taking your father away from
you but I hope that you will one day forgive me.

Olwethu please support your brother always. I know that you’re much younger but
I have seen the feisty side of you even at three.

I could not go into detail about everything because it was just too much. I am not
a writer but I do hope that through this book you walked in your mom’s shoes
briefly and that it gave you understanding.

The both of you should always listen to your grandmother and you should always
stay closer to God. Do not idolize another human being ever. God is the answer to
everything.

Mommy will always love you.

(Sasa’s book to Nomonde coming soon)

In God We Trust