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Honing Your Listening Skills

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Honing Your Listening Skills
Published on January 10, 2016
Steven Haden (he/him/his), MBA, CPRP
Chief Executive Officer at Envision:You

Improving Communication - Developing Effective Listening

Skills
Effective communication skills are fundamental to success in many aspects of life.
Many jobs require strong communication skills and socially people with improved
communication skills usually enjoy better interpersonal relationships with friends and
family.

Effective communication is a key interpersonal skill and by learning how we can

improve our communication has many benefits.

Communication is a two way process so improving communication involves both

how we send and receive messages. When someone is communicating with you,
they want to feel like they’re talking to you, rather than at you, and that can only be
done with a set of good listening skills and an understanding of the principles of
effective communication in general.

Learn how to become an empathetic, attentive, and active listener with the
information that follows.

Learn to Listen. Listening is not the same as hearing; learn to listen not only to the
words being spoken but how they are being spoken and the non-verbal messages
sent with them. Use the techniques of clarification and reflection to confirm what

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Honing Your Listening Skills

the other person has said and avoid any confusion. Try not to think about what to
say next while listening; instead clear your mind and focus on the message being
received. Your friends, colleagues and other acquaintances will appreciate good
listening skills.

Listen Actively. The difference between hearing and listening is as important as

the difference between seeing and observing. You can hear background noise but
not think anything of it. Or you can listen and realize that what sounded a minute
ago like an owl sounds an awful lot like a person trying to imitate an owl. Hearing
is automatic and involuntary. You may recall from science class, it’s sound waves
bouncing off your ear drums and causing them to vibrate and send messages to
your brain. Listening is the active, voluntary effort to receive a message, understand
it, and respond to it.

Be Aware of Other People’s Emotions. Be sympathetic to other people’s misfortunes

and congratulate their positive landmarks. To do this you need to be aware of what
is going on in other people’s lives. Make and maintain eye contact and use first
names where appropriate. Do not be afraid to ask others for their opinions as this
will help to make them feel valued.

Consider the emotional effect of what you are saying and communicate within the
norms of behaviour acceptable to the other person.

Empathize. Empathy is trying to see things from the point-of-view of others. When
communicating with others, try not to be judgemental or biased by preconceived
ideas or beliefs - instead view situations and responses from the other person’s
perspective. Stay in tune with your own emotions to help enable you to understand
the emotions of others.

If appropriate, offer your personal viewpoint clearly and honestly to avoid confusion.
Bear in mind that some subjects might be taboo or too emotionally stressful for
others to discuss.

Encourage. Offer words and actions of encouragement, as well as praise, to

others. Make other people feel welcome, wanted, valued and appreciated in your
communications. If you let others know that they are valued, they are much more
likely to give you their best. Try to ensure that everyone involved in an interaction
or communication is included through effective body language and the use of open
questions.

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Honing Your Listening Skills

The Five Types of Listening

You can become a better listener by understanding the four types of listening:
• Passive
• Selective
• Competitive
• Active
• Reflective

Passive listening is one-way communication in which you do not provide feedback

and may or may not understand the message. This kind of listening often takes
place in a classroom or meeting when most people don’t respond. Listening to the
TV, radio, or a speaker who doesn’t take questions is passive listening.

Selective listening is the act of hearing and interpreting only parts of a message that
seem relevant to you, while ignoring or devaluing the rest. Often, selective listeners
will form arguments before they’ve heard the full story, making them not only poor
listeners, but poor speakers too!

Competitive listening takes place when you’re not really listening closely—you listen
long enough to hear what you think is the necessary information (and you may or
may not be right about this), and you’re already thinking about what you’re going to
say in reply. You can hardly wait for a break in the conversation so you can jump in.
This is what happens when people talk past each other in an argument, neither one
listening to what the other is trying to say.

Active listening, on the other hand, is a genuine two-way communication. You are
listening intently, thinking about the information to make sure you understand it, and
providing feedback to the speaker to clarify what you don’t understand.

Reflective listening goes a step further—you are not only actively listening, but are
concentrating on the speaker’s feeling, which the speaker might express through
word choice or body language. You reflect not only on what the speaker said, but on
what the speaker feels about it. A good counsellor engages in this kind of listening.

Again, as the sender, it’s your job to make sure the receiver heard and understood
your message the way you meant it. As an active listener, you help the sender by
thinking about the message, providing feedback, and seeking clarification. Don’t
depend on the sender to do it all. Listen actively and confirm that you understand
the message.

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Honing Your Listening Skills

Active Listening

Active listening is hard work. Listening in stressful situations such as work or

during an argument with your significant other, for example, requires focus and
using all of your senses to understand the message. It also requires you to use
effective feedback techniques, including restating, paraphrasing, and asking for
clarification. Active listening is a key to building trust in any personal or professional
relationship. It is important you learn how to maintain eye contact, remain objective,
avoid distractions, concentrate on the speaker, and focus on the main idea; resist
the temptation to interrupt a speaker. In other situations, such as meetings or
recovery groups, there are different challenges, including mental distractions. By
understanding the thought-speech differential (that you can listen and understand
much faster than a speaker can transmit), you can more effectively understand and
analyse complex messages in difficult or anxiety-producing situations.

Techniques for Active Listening

For active listening, you must stop thinking your own thoughts and force yourself to
listen to what the speaker is saying. These techniques will help you do so.

Clarifying or Repeating. As noted above, you ask for clarification to ensure you have
understood the message. You can clarify by asking specific questions.

You want me to meet you at the Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting on Wilshire
Blvd. at 7:00 p.m. on Wednesday night?

You want me to combine the carrots, peas, and green beans with the romaine
lettuce?

You recommend I go to the yoga class offered at the downtown recreation center
on Monday night at 6:30 p.m.?

Restating, paraphrasing, or “mirroring.” In these techniques you restate, paraphrase

or “mirror” what the speaker said, using the speaker’s or your own words, so the
speaker can verify that you have correctly understood.

Do I understand you correctly that class on Monday is cancelled in observance of

Martin Luther King Day?

It is my understanding that I will start work on November 2nd, as a part-time

customer service agent, and my pay is $10.00 per hour before taxes. Is this
correct?

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What I think you are saying is you are unhappy with the choice of your sponsor
and would like to find a new one.

Acknowledging. When you acknowledge, you let the speaker know that you have
understood and heard the message and that you appreciate the speaker’s point of
view. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with the speaker or that you should say
that you agree when you don’t. Your comment can be neutral and noncommittal.

I understand that you believe all Americans should speak perfect English.

I appreciate the fact that you have had a difficult life and need a supportive
counsellor.

I recognize things must be difficult at home.

Summarizing. Similar to restating, this is a way of reviewing progress in a

conversation. You touch on the main ideas or conclusions, not all the individual
points you discussed along the way. You restate the main ideas very briefly and set
the tone for the next subject or conversation. This can be very useful when you are
discussing several different issues.

OK, so we agreed that I’ll work your shift on Thursday evening and you’ll work
mine on Friday morning.

We’ve agreed that I will give you a one-week extension on the project.

We’ve agreed that your continued drug and alcohol use is harmful and that you
need to get help.

Framing. Use framing to test to see if the speaker is open to hearing your ideas and
to draw suggested solutions from the speaker. It allows you to present information
in a neutral way, find areas of agreement that you can focus on, and shape the
conversation.

We seem to agree that positive customer engagement as well as attention to detail

is important for this job. How can we ensure that we have both?

I can see your point that your case managed doesn’t seem to understand the
importance of finding a job.

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Honing Your Listening Skills

So you don’t like your significant other—do you think this may be why you are
having difficulty sleeping at night.

EXERCISE

1. What are the five steps to effective interpersonal communications and how do
you distinguish among them?

2. In what way is listening a critical communication skill?

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3. What are three techniques for active listening? In your own words, describe
each.

Steven Haden (he/him/his), MBA, CPRP | Chief Executive Officer at Envision:You

Published • 4y

Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/honing-your-listening-skills-steven-haden/

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