To my Brown Eyes

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Communication Challenges

Chapter 2: Intimacy and Romance

Chapter 3: Shared Meaning

Chapter 4: Accountability

Chapter 5: Family Time

Chapter 6: Energy Levels

Chapter 7: Focusing

Chapter 8: Emotional Regulation

Chapter 9: Self-Compassion

Chapter 10: Bringing It Together

Chapter 1: Communication Challenges

ADHD can make communication in marriage difficult. With

problems focusing, partners may interrupt each other, miss

important details, or become distracted during important

conversations. This often leads to misunderstandings and

frustration on both sides, and it can continue if it’s not addressed..

The non-ADHD partner feels ignored while the partner with ADHD

feels nagged and unheard. It’s a vicious cycle.

Solutions involve making communication intentional toward each

other. Set aside sacred time to talk without distractions. Take turns

sharing and listening actively without judgement. This is where the

art of curiosity helps. Write important info down so it's not missed

or forgotten. Most importantly, assume good intent from your

partner. Recognize that some behaviors are signs and symptoms,

not intentional slights to hurt your partner. With patience and

compromise, couples can learn to communicate in a way that

honors both partners' needs. The key is remembering you're on

the same team working with the ADHD, not against each other.

Helpful hints:

● Pretend each of you knows a different language and your

goal is to learn how to interpret their language. This helps

develop empathy because what you say and how you say it

may be expressed differently. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just a

thing. The goal is to attempt to understand how each other

speaks. With practice, you will eventually understand their

lingo.

● Use “I” statements. For example, rather than stating “You

made me angry,” say instead, “I feel angry when this

happens.” This makes it feel less person to your partner.

Chapter 2: Intimacy and Romance

ADHD experiences like hyperfocus and distractibility can impact

intimacy and romance in marriage. Partners may feel rejected

when their spouse becomes engrossed in a project for hours or

days at a time, and seemingly become unavailable. Or they may

feel hurt when their spouse seems distracted during a romantic

moment. With ADHD, good intentions don't always lead to follow

through. These periods can impact any marriage.

Solutions for these moments involve open communication about

needs and expectations. Schedule intimate time when you're both

relaxed and present. Plan romantic gestures ahead of time to

avoid last minute forgetfulness. Above all, demonstrate love

through thoughtful acts of service. A spouse with ADHD can show

devotion by taking tasks off their partner's plate. And partners can
show grace when symptoms of ADHD challenge periods of

romance. With creativity, compromise, and flexible consistency,

couples can maintain intimacy.

Helpful hints:

● Intimacy can be both planned and spontaneous. Try not to

focus on judging yourself, your partner, and your overall

relationship should your intimacy not feel timed right. To help

with this, practice check-ins. This looks like asking your

partner if “now’s a good time to talk,” and then they can let

you know so there’s no guessing - or waiting.

● Make it a point to schedule intimacy times on a physical

calendar you both have access to, and make sure it’s visible

on a daily basis. This process encourages the practice of

being on the same page.

Chapter 3: Shared Meaning

Shared meaning involves day-to-day routines that demand the

attention of couples. Spouses often struggle to find shared

meaning when one has ADHD. Routine tasks like chores or

childcare can breed contempt when they’re done differently. The

partner with ADHD may start projects but quickly lose focus,

leaving the other partner frustrated. This can make life feel chaotic

and disconnected. The idea of shared meaning becomes pointless.

The solution lies in embracing each other’s perspectives. Honor

your partner’s needs for structure while having patience with

flexibility. Most tasks have no right way. Find the shared values

behind them – a clean home for the kids or quality family time.

Focus on the meaning, not just the method. Shared purpose and
teamwork, not control, help unite couples through their

differences. Remember, you’re a team. Let’s act like it.

Helpful hints:

● Shared meaning is about embracing the idea that you’d like

to invite your partner with you. This can look like introducing

them to new ideas, asking for help on passion projects,

sharing a meal together, or something you find deeply

meaningful. It’s important to make sure you spend time

asking about what a shared meaning means for your partner

too. This is not a one person show.

● Often, these conversations can go deeper than daily chores.

To achieve this, a great question to ask your spouse is “What

does your ideal future with us look like?” You might be

surprised in what comes out of these dialogues. Sometimes

it’s about money, children, sex, retirement, etc.

Chapter 4: Accountability

Spouses often end up acting like “parents” to partners with ADHD,

constantly reminding them of responsibilities. This often leads to

resentment on both sides - the “nagger” and the “child”.

But accountability doesn’t have to create resentment, and you also

know things need to get done. Make it collaborative by allowing

the ADHD partner to set their own goals and methods for

achieving them. You’ll notice that providing a space for freedom

can enhance focus on activities they value.

Identify challenges, like forgetting tasks or missing deadlines, and

discuss tools to mitigate them like calendars, alarms and

checklists. Most especially, set consequences for missed goals

ahead of time so they seem logical, not personal. Perhaps, a

consequence you both can agree to.

Accountability works best when it’s a shared responsibility, not

something that’s forced or completely unappealing. Focus on

solutions and encouragement, not blame. As long as it comes from

a place of support, warmth, and curiosity, accountability can help

both partners feel empowered.

Helpful hints:

The “Just Do It” mentality crumbles those with ADHD. It’s hard

enough that people with ADHD have lower degrees of motivation,

but it can feel depressing that others around them tell them to

stop being lazy and to “just do it” already. This forced comment

undermines what people with ADHD feel on a daily basis. And

when someone is understood they are more likely to trust their

partner and work with flexible accountability. Believe it or not, this

process helps with follow through.

Chapter 5: Family Time

ADHD experiences in children like hyperactivity, inattention,

distractibility and emotional dysregulation can make family time

challenging. On top of that, parents with ADHD may struggle with

providing structure, and emotional regulation for themselves.

Tensions run high over messy rooms, missed homework, and

constant chaos. Parents argue over which style of support and

discipline works best.

Solutions start with compassion on all sides. Schedule focused

one-on-one time with each child and protect it religiously. Do this

with your relationship too (e.g., dates). That one-on-one time

benefits parents just as much as they do with children. When

tensions flare, calmly reinforce flexible rules you and your spouse

have been talking about. Furthermore, apologize to the kids when

you lose your cool, then work to do a little better next time - and

don’t forget to practice self-compassion throughout this. Also,

manage age appropriate conflict with your spouse in front of your

children because this models follow through and resolution.

With teamwork, consistency and accountability, families impacted

by ADHD can thrive - especially when you give everyone the

benefit of the doubt. Make love and grace be the priorities, not

perfect parenting behavior or tidy rooms. Being mindful of the

challenges of ADHD can build resilience, teaching forgiveness,

adaptability and unconditional love.

Helpful hints:

● As parents, you’re doing the best that you can with the tools

you already possess. These are the times to place more trust

in your relationship during moments of struggle. You never

 know what you could learn from your spouse with a closed

mouth, a listening ear, and a present mind.

● Parenting can feel impossible when you feel scattered.

Parents may find it helpful to seek therapy to enhance their

communication such as developing a unified front with

parenting styles. This is another way of saying that parenting

decisions can be made together, not separately. Therapy for

couples is also helpful for parents that want to increase their

ability to communicate effectively in their own relationship

too.
Chapter 6: Energy Levels

ADHD and non-ADHD spouses often operate at different “speeds” -

hyperfocus vs methodical task completion. Couples may argue

over sleep schedules, feeling chained to early bedtimes.

Mismatched energy levels strain relationships. It can feel like one

person works the day shift and the other, the night.

Solutions include accepting differences and allowing flexibility in

routines. Negotiate sleep schedules and independent wind down

time. The night owl shouldn’t resent their partner’s way of rest and

the early bird shouldn’t shame their partner’s way of rest either.

It’s all about give and take, with the art of understanding holding it

together. If there were a right way it would be to remain curious.

Do what works for your own bodies, strengths, and energy levels.

Compromise by finding windows of shared energy for quality time.

This can be accomplished by asking open ended questions about

each other's energy levels. Additionally, appreciate your

differences as complementing the whole family system.

Helpful hints:

● Track you energy levels with your spouse and you’ll uncover

patterns that can be quite informative. Practice checking in

with each other about energy levels before engaging in a new

process or activity. Notice the signs in your partner on days

where they have more or less energy. This can help guide you

as you recognize and respond to their levels - and your own

levels.
Chapter 7: Focusing

ADHD can make it hard to focus - which is not surprising to you.

Partners get frustrated when their spouse struggles to listen

attentively or complete tasks fully before jumping to something

new. A long list of incomplete items begin to stack on high. This

leaves the non-ADHD spouse carrying the mental load which can

be exhausting to say the least.

Solutions require teamwork. The partner with ADHD sets goals for

sustained focus, like finishing chores or being present during

family dinners where they would otherwise be distracted. The

other partner provides positive reinforcement by acknowledging

effort and progress. Also, figure out when and how to offer gentle

reminders to refocus - during stressful times non-ADHD partners

should step in, but not to constantly micro-manage.

With practice, the ADHD partner can develop self-monitoring skills

and adjust. But it’s key for the non-ADHD partner to manage

personal expectations, recognizing that all brains work differently.

Try not to set your spouse up for failure with unrealistic standards.

Find out the standards they can thrive with. Support their goals

while accepting imperfection.

Helpful hints:

● It’s important to not forget that the brain of an ADHDer

places their focus on most things around them. Especially

items of higher interest. Get creative and apply these

interesting aspects to tasks that seem daunting to focus on.

For example, listening to your favorite podcast as you try and

focus on doing the dishes. The more interesting the easier

the experience can be for the both of you.

Chapter 8: Emotional Regulation

ADHD and emotional dysregulation often go hand-in-hand.

Partners may seem impatient, have explosive anger, or say hurtful

things impulsively. This dynamic strains trust in relationships, and

it’s often due to the unpredictability in how a person with ADHD

will experience emotions and respond to them toward their

spouse.

Solutions start with understanding emotions aren’t the problem,

but rather the ADHD experiences beneath them. Then partners

can work together to manage triggers and minimize outbursts.

Take preventive steps like getting enough sleep, reducing stress,

and avoiding alcohol or other substances. Develop coping

strategies like taking breaks when frustrated or writing feelings

down. You can also offer sincere apologies followed by changed

behavior after hurtful incidents. This helps develop trust betweem

partners.

Be mindful that emotional regulation is a skill requiring practice,

patience, and self-compassion. With continued teamwork, and

sometimes professional help, people with ADHD can learn to

manage their emotions in healthy ways, strengthening marriages.

Helpful hints:

● It’s a good reminder that emotions help people describe their

experiences, regardless if it was a negative event or not.

Emotions are not inherently bad. They just are. They help you

color your vision to better understand what helps you feel

good and what challenges you.

● You may notice that on some days you won’t respond to

emotions as intently as you usually do. This is normal with

 those who experience ADHD. This doesn’t mean you’re

broken, you’ve just got to try a little harder in noticing these

moments.. Knowledge is power.

● Partners that do not experience ADHD may benefit from

radically accepting that their partner with ADHD is doing the

best they can. This belief could help lighten the mental load

while supporting your relationship. Many with ADHD struggle

with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which is intense emotional

pain felt after failure or rejection - even if this wasn’t the

intention.
Chapter 9: Self-Compassion

The challenges of ADHD can damage self-esteem for all involved.

Partners with ADHD may judge themselves harshly for intense

symptoms they feel they can’t control. Spouses can grow resentful,

carrying extra burdens. It’s not surprising that the feeling of

burnout starts to set in, and you feel like you’re doing the best you

can.

The solution lies in self-compassion. Recognize ADHD as a

challenge to manage, not a character flaw. Be patient with yourself

and your spouse, letting go of control and perfectionism. Seek

support groups to know you're not alone. Notice that progress can

still happen without perfectionism. Focus on your spouse’s efforts

and intentions, not just missteps or mistakes. Remind yourself to

laugh - humor often diffuses tension very well.

Do not forget to take time for self care practices and celebrate the

victories, however small. Remember, small steps still add up to big

changes in your relationship. With self-compassion, creativity and

forgiveness, marriages impacted by ADHD can not just survive but

thrive.

Helpful hints:

● The process of self-compassion will seem disingenuous at

first because you may be used to taking things out on

yourself - or your partner. Self-compassion is noticing that

you’re doing the best that you can. Partners that continue to

notice hard work while looking through a lens of empathy can

often feel self-compassionate. The result is a reduction of

burnout and an enhancement in your closeness.

Chapter 10: Bringing It Together

Living with ADHD poses undeniable challenges in marriage and

relationships in general. Experiences like inattention, impulsivity,

and emotional dysregulation can strain even the strongest

relationships. Partners become frustrated and feel misunderstood.

Resentment brews as responsibilities feel unevenly shared.

But while ADHD cannot be erased, it can be managed through

partnership, patience, and compassion. The solutions you’ve just

read may or may not fulfill the needs in your relationship while

struggling with ADHD, and that’s okay. This is only one resource

that you can add to your tool belt of support.

No couple is immune from conflict, but understanding ADHD

empowers you to confront it as a team. Setbacks will happen, but

with creativity and compromise, you can find new strategies to

foster closeness unique to your marriage. Your relationship can

grow stronger when both sides agree it’s worth fighting for.

Bear in mind, know you are not alone. Many couples thrive for

decades managing ADHD’s challenges together. Have hope, be

gentle with yourself and your partner, laugh when you can, and

keep communicating. Your shared journey with ADHD starts today

with a single step.

Helpful hints:

● Accept the fact you and your partner have made it this far in

your relationship. That’s something to be proud of. Practice

gratitude in what’s working and accept what isn’t working and

challenge it as a team.
Remember, ADHD and marriage is not a journey toward perfection.
It’s a journey full of adventure, mishaps and rewards.
Be kind to your each other and remain curious.

You got this.

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