The

Hegemonocle
Volume 14, Issue 1
 THE Macalester
HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 14, Issue 1
Spring 2016
The Valentine’s Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Lydia Karlson ’16
Tom Wakin ’16

EDITORIAL
Managing Editor
Austin Parsons ’17
Head Writer
Jamie Goodin ’17

DESIGN
Head of Production
Ivy Bardaglio ’16

STAFF
Coat Rack ’99 Yafiet Bezabih ’18 Kasia Majewski ‘19
Spencer Carter ’16 Sarah Coleman ’18 Will Milch ’19
Anthony Granai ’16 Kate Garrett ’18 Elena Santarella ’19
Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Sean McDonald ’18 Valerie Stenerson ’19
Mo Usavage ’16 Noah Mondschein ’18 On Sabbatical
Myles Ambrose ’17 Danny Ochoa ’18 Declan Cummings ’17
Marissa Heim ’17 Thali Zikos ’18 Xander Gershberg ’17
Eli Lilleskov ’17 Elizabeth Goldstein ’19

SHOUT OUTS
Unconventional commutes
The llama that Xander ate in Argentina (RIP)
Erotica-themed fonts
The party we’re having tonight
Declan’s weird vest
Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us:
hegemonocle@macalester.edu
@hegemonocle
facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four-ish
Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. times per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is All content, except what we’ve stolen
Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
Hegemonocle, 2016.
Editorial
One thing we think about on Valentine’s Day is not the process of becoming close with someone else;
it is the process of becoming close with our selves.

These days, it’s hard to tell if your love you love loves you back. Your love you love could love you
back, but how can you tell for sure that your love you love does love you the way you love your love you
love? Furthermore, if your love you love loves you like you love your love you love does your love you love
love your love for your love you love? And if your love you love does love your love you love your love, does
your love’s love for your love you love your love outlove the love you love your love love you love your love
loves your back you love your love loves you your love?

We certainly think so.

Last Valentine’s day, you got chicken sandwiches for your partner, and you ate them at home. This
Valentine’s day, you got a partner for your chicken sandwich. It was another chicken sandwich. You ate them
both.

Everyone is emotionally repressed.

Sometimes life is like that. You eat some chicken sandwiches and you lose some partners. Everyone
knows food is erotic. But not everyone knows how to share their feelings. Sometimes you feel so much it
feels too much to feel. The feelings feel too much and you don’t know how to feel the feelings you feel you
feel, or the feelings you feel you feel feel the feelings you feel you feel. Feeling these feelings feels like feeling
the feelings of feeling. And how can you even tell if feeling the feelings feels like feelings feelings at all?

We don’t know how to feel.

So when it comes to Valentine’s Day and you’re thinking about what you think about on Valentine’s
Day, think about The Hege. We hope this special issue helps you love how you think about how you think
you feel about feeling love!

- Lydia Karlson and Tom Wakin

The Macalester Hegemonocle
February 2016
 the daily nudes

13-Year-Old Very Excited

to Masturbate on
Valentine's Day, and Every
Day After Forever
Like many Americans, 13-year-old Sport
McGee is just overflowing with excitement for
Valentine’s Day. Really, the excitement is just
pouring out of him, just gushing out.
On this special day, Sport has decided to
take the love in his little, excitement-filled heart,
and give it right back to himself in the form of his
favorite new hobby. It’s a little something something
the kids are calling: slinging the jelly.
“I love it, it’s great, it’s just so great,” said
McGee while polishing his recorder. “Wow, just,
what a concept, right?”
While Sport couldn’t be more thrilled,
his parents have yet to fully support their son’s
McGee preparing to “get down to buisness.” Valentine’s plans. “Isn’t he supposed to give out
candy or cards or something?” asked Tony McGee,
Billy’s ‘biological’ father. “And why is he even telling us that he’s going to do it? Who does
that? Shit, why can’t he just play Minecraft or something?”
Sport has stated that he intends to “uncork the wine” to Internet pornography of
the large breasted variety. While he briefly considered slapping the salami to more ethnically
diverse pornography, he decided against it upon recommendation from his father. “No I didn’t
tell him to watch white porn, I just told him to stop asking me what porn to watch,” Tony said.
“I mean, is that unreasonable? Am I being an asshole right now? Whatever, at least he might
not be mine.”
After Valentine’s Day, Sport plans to continue his “pen clicking” starting on
February 15th and continuing every day
after for as long as possible, as often as
possible.
“I mean eventually someone’s
going to try to stop me right?” asked McGee
while pulling some rope. “There’s no way
I can do something this amazing, and not
have something bad happen. I’ve got to
be stealing from someone somewhere. I’m
definitely getting away with something
here.” Our sketch artist’s depiction of large breasts
4
 ask dr. hege

Ask D o c tor He ge! Dear Dr. Hege,

I really wanna give my girlfriend a romantic
Valentine’s Day, but I’m broke. Do you have any tips
for DIY gifts and dates that cost little-to-no money?
Sincerely,
Full Heart Empty Wallet

Dear Cheapskate,
The songbirds of our times are liars: Love DOES cost a thing. Money CAN buy
you love. You DO have to be rich to be my girl. A macaroni necklace and homemade
ramen dinner impresses no one. The only thing you can do (besides selling your
belongings/organs for cash money) is to fake it ‘till you make it. Buy her some pens and
spray paint that shit gold. Steal a nice pair of earrings from your more successful sister.
Call up a restaurant and beg the manager to let you pay for your meal with hard labor
(bring your own dish soap to show you mean business).
All of these things may work in the short-term, but the most important piece of
advice I can give you, dear child, is to accept your lonesome fate. Women want Rupert
Murdoch, not Mother Teresa. If you can’t take care of your woman, someone else will.
Give her my number and go get a job, you pathetic sack of shit.
Love Always,
Dr. Hege

Dear Dr. Hege,

I want to make a romantic playlist for Valentine’s Dear D-Day V-JayJay,
night with my new boyfriend, but I really don’t There is no way to make a romantic playlist that isn’t
want it to be cheesy. Do you have any cheesy. But that’s ok! Embrace the cheese! Here are some of
suggestions? my favorite love songs, incorporate them as you wish.
Signed, • “Self-Esteem” by The Offspring
V-Day DJ • “The Song that Never Ends” by Norman Martin
• “YMCA” by the Village People
• Anything from Limp Bizkit’s second album
• “Creep” by Radiohead
• “The Humpty Dance” by Digital Underground
• A Book-On-Tape of Lord of the Flies read by The X-Files’
Gillian Anderson
• “Loser” by Beck
• A live performance of the theme from Seinfeld
I hope these help! Wishing you and yours a steamy
P-in-V-Day (if that’s what you’re into)!
All the best,
Dr. Hege

Arnold C. Hege, PhD, graduated from Idaho State and earned his PhD in Criminal Psychology from Kosovo Night College. He enjoys
shortwalks on long grass, stealing people’s hubcaps, and Painting by Numbers. He hates answering your questions but it’s a job and “in this
economy” he’ll take what he can get. Dr. Hege recently moved into an All-Gender bathroom stall in Kirk Section 6.
5
 O W N
choose your own hege-venture

E Y O U R
C H O O S e
t D a t
Firs
Start
Alright, it’s Valentine’s Day and you’ve got a date. Don’t look too surprised, you’re
a catch. Well, more of a catch and release type. But somehow you pulled it off.
You’ve got no time to lose though, the date is soon. You have about 45 minutes
until you said you’d go and pick her up, and you haven’t even started getting ready yet! What do you do?
A) Immediately kick it into high gear and start getting ready. (PAGE 11)
B) Finish the season finale of MasterChef Jr. (PAGE 14)

d
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J
He shoots
you in the head, but then
you wake up. You realize it was all a dream,
and that you’ve wet the bed. You clean yourself off and decide
that it’s time for breakfast. Everyone knows that milk and cereal is the supreme
breakfast meal, so what do you have?
K) Trix (PAGE 14) er,
, howev

O
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L) Cinnamon Toast Crunch (PAGE 17) am as.
yo u ’v e made how lazy he w
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 did you know?

14 Things You Didn’t Know About Valentine’s Day

(Or Maybe You Did, I Don’t Know, Fuck You):
1. Chocolate is not an aphrodisiac; chocolate makes you fatter and older until you settle.
2. If you die on Valentine’s Day, you are reincarnated as the voice in an audio greeting card.
3. Valentine’s Day is actually based on the 2010 film Valentine’s Day starring Bradley Cooper and a
mötley crüe of people who look like Bradley Cooper.
4. People who say they hate Valentine’s Day actually have moderate opinions on Valentine’s Day.
5. People who say the love Valentine’s Day actually hate Valentine’s day.*
6. St. Valentine did not win the popular vote to have the Day of Love named after him; his name was
appointed after Ralph Nader funneled votes away from Mother Teresa.
7. For every candy heart you don’t eat, a baby will grow up to never lose its virginity.
8. Those big stuffed bears people buy are actually small real bears that have another even smaller stuffed
bear stuffed inside of them, and are then sewn into the biggest, tertiary bear.
9. Cupid is an incredibly inept serial killer.
10. Your parents have loud sex on Valentine’s Day. If you play the sounds backwards, it forms a treasure
map. The treasure is your grandparents having even louder sex.
11. If you don’t buy anything on Valentine’s Day, a gang of elderly men will follow you around and spit
tobacco on your shoes.
12. Contrary to popular belief, parodies of the “Roses Are Red” poem did not become overdone and
unfunny in 1942. To begin with they were never funny.
13. The Catholic Church tried to start their own Valentine’s Day, but it didn’t work; their dates kept
telling their parents.
14. The record for most searing loneliness on Valentine’s Day was set by Lenny McLemon in 2006.
He registered an 87 on the “I Didn’t Ask to Be Born Scale”.

*See: 4.

7
7
 tips & tricks

How to get second awkward eye contact

through a your class start

breakup chased by dog

lost the dog awkward eye contact

Key -
Your route - Dupre to
Old Main
still being chased by dog Their route - Kird to
Carnegie

Recently broken up with your boo due to unmet Valentine’s Day expectations? Don’t worry, we have some tips to get you back
on your feet and meet someone who does like the idea of a romantic dinner on the roof of Dupre.

1. Take an unconventional route to class (see map).

2. Join The Hegemonocle. They say laughter is the best medicine.
3. Sweat the sadness out at Kagin. Dance vigorously and don't make more than a couple of irreversible mistakes.
4. Eat on the other side of Cafe Mac. Alienating all of your friends is a small price to pay for recovery.
5. Exclusively hang out with PFs. By the time they find out about your breakup, there will be a new round of
PFs ready to replace them.
6. Switch majors. Odds are you guys met in a class you had together, and there's nothing worse than watching
your ex fall for a mutual group member that they at one point subtly said was cute and you picked up on it but
didn't say anything because if you knew one thing it was that you weren’t going to be the dramatic one in the
relationship again.
7. Climb the ranks of MCSG and get your ex expelled. No one said this would be easy.
8. Prepare snappy comebacks for people that notice how devastated you are. We suggest “you should see the other
guy,” or “haha like honestly no sweat it's chill don't worry.”
9. Go to a Macalester basketball game. You definitely won’t run into your ex there, or anyone else for that
matter.
10. Get married. That'll show 'em.

n t ic Fo ods: n t ic Fo ods:
R o m a with your hands) Un r o m a
• Fondue (Lots of potential for • Spaghetti (Works your cheek • Chocolate (Cliché)
puns) muscles) • Donuts (Too yonic)
• Funyuns (Basically a bag of cock • Wine (It’s not a food) • Steak (Don’t give your date a knife)
rings) • Deviled Eggs (What a bad boy!) • Cream of Mushroom Soup (Not
8 • Ethiopian (Shows you’re good • MSG (Enhances your evening) mush room for puns)
8
 tips & tricks

Alone on Valentine’s Day?

Try these fun singles activities!
· Hang out with other single friends
· Watch Zombeavers on Netflix
· Adopt some cats
· Blast Kanye’s new album
· Accept your eternal solitude
· Make mac ‘n cheese and then just
eat the sauce
· Call your mom and ask her how
that rash is doing
· Watch turtles humping shoes
· Masturbate but then stop because
the cats are watching
· Feel judged by cats
· Keep going because at least
somebody noticed

Re j e c t e d
CANDY HEART MESSAGES

9
 tips & tricks

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10
10
 choose your own hege-venture

A
You overestimated how long it would take you to get ready. You finish getting ready
with plenty of time to spare. You end up getting to Nora’s (her name is Nora by the
way) house a little early. She comes out looking a little flustered and slightly angry from
being rushed since you got there early. As she gets into your car you turn down the radio
so the two of you can talk. As you drive to the restaurant the two of you engage in small
talk. Where did you go to school? How’s work going? What did you think of the season finale of
MasterChef Jr? She seems particularly excited about that last topic. However, as you discuss the
television excellence that is MasterChef Jr. it slowly becomes apparent that you did not see all of
the season finale. It’s the final straw when you cannot name the winner (it was Addison). With a
look of disgust Nora requests that you pull over. When you do, she gets out of the car and begins
to walk away. What do you do?
C) Follow her (PAGE 17)
D) Go back home (PAGE 6)
E) Go to your reservation by yourself (PAGE 14)

F
word
You decide enough is enough. You barely know this girl anyways. You return to your
car and drive back home. You finish that episode of MasterChef Jr., and it’s good, great
even.
r You go into work on Monday, but you feel distracted. For some reason you feel
y o u like you made a mistake. You should have turned down that alleyway, you shouldn’t have
let your fear run your life. It’s too late though, you already made your choice. And you just
keep making more choices like that, never truly taking any risks. You tried dating some more
after the incident (that’s what you dubbed it), but you find yourself unable to truly ever connect
with anyone. You continue to work at the same company for forty more years. You retire but the
by.”
Ice Baeconomy is bad, so you end up going back to work as a Walmart greeter. When you die at 93
you’ve lived a long life, longer than most, but there was nothing truly notable about it. You leave
behind all your belongings to Candice, who was your caretaker in your latest years, having no
other loved ones to bestow them upon.
FIN

G
What the hell, you think, as you turn down the alleyway. You’re curious to see where the
night takes you. However, you were utterly unprepared for the sight that greets you.
The lovely Nora no longer seems lovely, as she sheds her skin and reveals the reptilian
scales underneath. You let out a quiet gasp, but it wasn’t quiet enough. She hears you. She
turns and releases a primal howl, barring her pointed teeth at you. She prepares to leap at
you when a grizzled man jumps down from the rooftops. He pulls out a pistol and in one quick
shot puts the beast down. He then turns the gun on you and says, “You’re either with us, or against
us. “ What are you?
H) I’m with you (PAGE 17)
I) Against you (PAGE 14)
J) What (PAGE 6)

Start your adventure on PAGE 6! 11

11
 hegerotica

A Very Special

Valentine's Lay
He was creative, that cannot be denied. When I followed the rose petals into the bedroom, I certainly was not expecting
to find a hollowed-out watermelon and a stack of old newspapers. But I didn’t doubt Rutherford’s sexual expertise. After all, he was
the kingdom’s Duke of Dick. I trusted that, on this fateful February 14th, I was destined to experience at least 1.25 loam-shaking
orgasms.

I prepared myself for his entry, flopping my bubble-gum pink legs open spread-eagle on the straw mattress. I squirmed a
bit, but was determined not to let my severe hay allergy ruin the night.

He strode in on his noble steed, a man called Jerry whom Rutherford paid to act as his horse. Jerry bid me adieu with a tip
of his fedora and galloped off into the sunset. Duke Rutherford disrobed and stood erect, allowing me to admire his physique. T’was
acceptable.

“Your cavern beckons to me, m’lady.” He examined me, his arms akimbo. “Is it moist?”

“Huh?”

“Your cavern? Is it moist?”

“M’lord, I do not understand your inquiry.”

He sighed. I, a lowly peasant girl, simply didn’t understand his high falutin language.

“May I insert my sword into your sheath?”

“Like a real sword or your flesh sword?”

“Flesh sword, m’lady.”

“Yeah, sure, go nuts.”

His sword felt more like a dagger and I lay there, waiting for the fireworks my fellow milkmaids described to me. If anything,
it was more like the lighting of a trick candle, which lit for a moment and then blew away too soon. He was spouting all kinds of
proclamations, complimenting his own sexual prowess, calling himself a noble steed and whatnot. I did not find truth in such
statements, but was content to lay back and watch his excitement. After all, he was royalty.

Soon he shotteth his wad and exited my orifice. I arranged my skirts and thanked him for his time, but he had already
turned his attention to the watermelon, which he thrust into with the vigor of a Roman army. I said farewell and walked out to the
pastures where the milkmaids had congregated. I had an intuition that their knowledgeable hands would be more skillful than any
Duke’s flesh sword.

For more steamy tales, check out The Countess of Caverns series by Andromeda Dildo, available in your grocer’s check out aisle.

12
 cumpatability quiz

Below is a series of questions used to determine the HEGEMONOCLE

compatibility between you and your current casual
sex friend/soulmate. Answer the questions and consult COMPATIBILITY
the key when you’re done.
QUIZ
How many quick-release
knots can you tie?
What’s your idea of a perfect date? Pick a lube flavor!
A) Playing horseshoes until you
A) Just the ones my scout can’t feel your fingers A) Hot Apple Pie
leader taught me B) Playing with hand grenades until B) Mint Chip
B) What’s a quick-release you don’t have fingers
knot? C) Touring a Pep Boys Auto Shop C) Guacamole
C) 3 D) 5 cent coffee date at Saint Paul D) Douglas Fir
D) None of the above Corner Drug

Which of these things is the biggest deal If you had to pick someone to What keeps you going?
breaker? be shipwrecked on an island
A) They have toes for fingers with, who would it be? A) Your kids
B) They insist on spending about 20 A) Jim Hoppe (in a pirate B) Your job
minutes after every meal chewing, outfit) C) Your chickens
eating, and digesting a 3 inch by 3 B) Jim Hoppe (in the nude)
inch square of cardboard.
D) The little voice inside that
C) Jim Hoppe (in the flesh)
C) They exclusively speak in rhyme D) Jim Hoppe (in cardboard keeps you up at night
D) They wear fitted baseball caps low cutout form)
over their eyes

How has the idea that the

What do you text when What’s your favorite milk
Yellowstone volcano could erupt at percentage?
any moment, devastating the you mean to say “Hello?”
American Midwest, affected your A) 1%
sex life?
A) You only use fire retardant
A) “Greetings” B) Whole because you don’t
fuck around
condoms B) “yo yo yo”
B) You avoid people surrounded by C) Skim
clouds of ash C) “hayy” D) 2% with a little bit of fat
C) What?!
D) You are inspired by the extreme
D) “waddup, jou” added to make it more like 3%
buildup of pressure

Guess what? What trait do you look for What’s lost in your couch?
in your mate?
A) Chicken butt? A) a smaller couch
B) You’re pregnant? A) Strong molars
B) a petrified rat
B) Adaptability
C) I’m pregnant? C) a beer cork
C) 420-friendliness
D) The dog ran away? D) a ball gag
D) Nice veins
A special lottery is to be held to select the student KEY: If you picked mostly A’s, you’re compatible with people who
who will live in the only deluxe room in a dormitory. picked mostly B’s
There are 100 seniors, 150 juniors, and 200 If you picked mostly B’s, you’re compatible with people who picked
sophomores who applied. Each senior’s name is mostly C’s or people who picked no D’s
placed in the lottery 3 times; each junior’s name, 2 If you picked mostly C’s, you’re compatible with people who picked
times; and each sophomore’s name, 1 time. What is exactly half C’s and nothing else
the probability that a senior’s name will be chosen? If you picked mostly D’s, you’re compatible with people who didn’t
A) 1/8 C) 2/7 take the time to finish the quiz
B) 2/9 D) 3/8

13
 choose your own hege-venture

I
He shoots you in the head and you die.

FIN

B You’ve already committed so much time, you might as well finish this episode. And man,
oh man is it a great episode. There’s slicing, there’s dicing, there’s even a bit of icing . . .
some cupcakes. You weep tears of joy when you find out that your girl, Addy, won. You finish
up the episode and get ready for your date. But you’re running a little late now. You pull up to
her apartment in your brand spanking-new Subaru. As she exits the building she eyes your amazing
car as you eye her amazing tube-socks. You especially appreciate the rhinestones studded into her jean
jacket. She asks you why you were late. What do you tell her?
N) The truth (PAGE 17)
O) That you were “busy” (PAGE 6)

You feel life begin to flow back into your corpse. But . . . it feels wrong somehow. You burst out of
your coffin as a member of the recently reanimated. Your mother screams and your

Q
two younger brothers stand by, horrified. You are soon overcome by an unholy
hunger. You lunge at your cousin Maurice, tearing his neck with your teeth. Everyone
is screaming now. You realize what you’re doing but you can’t stop. You kill three
more people until one of your brothers manages to bash your head in with your
own tombstone.
FIN

You already made the reservation, so why waste it? You end up having a great time. The food is great,
and the wine is even better. Eventually, a woman approaches you. She says that she admires you for
your confidence, telling you how brave you are for coming here despite being stood up. You try to make
some excuse for yourself, but she cuts you off with a question. Have you ever thought about getting
into politics? Nine years later you’re pulling ahead bit by bit in the Iowa caucus. Your running mate, the
next Bush!, congratulates you.

E
FIN

K
Wrong choice. Trix are for kids.

FIN
14 Start your adventure on PAGE 6!
14
 luv letterz

Dear Student Body,

Yes friends, the air is heavy with the funk of your collective junk on this fine midwinter
morning which can only mean one thing: Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.
Ah, Valentine’s Day. Ah, love. Now I may not look it, but I am a stickler for this holiday,
maybe it’s just the inner romantic in me, or maybe it’s because those wonderful little
rock-hard-cock-hard heart shaped candies are just to die for. Anyway, I wanted to
write to you all with some friendly safety reminders/ tips on how to get your lovin’
on, because let’s be honest I have more sexual experience than all of you combined. I
mean it’s not your fault, it’s just that as you get older you learn more and more tricks,
not just your basic sit, shake, lie down, you know? I mean just ask your parents, and
especially your grandparents. God your grandparents must have gotten into some
hot and steamy shit, I’ll bet money they’ve eaten peanut butter out of each others
asses for sure, and imagine all the possibilities with the wrinkles! You can do so many
things with loose skin, you have no idea, just thinking about it puts me in heat. Ahem,
anyway, on to the safety tips. First up, condoms: do not eat them. I know they’re super
colorful, but trust me, they’re a real nightmare to pass. Also make sure to stay away
from feces of unknown origin, sure it’s the most intriguing but that’s how you get
worms. Next up, love tips! To all you loners out there, boy do I have some advice for you.
There are two kinds of loners, the ones who have loved and lost, and those who have
never loved at all (Keeping in mind that none of you even know what real love truly
is and most of you probably never will.) For the first group I’d recommend getting
absolutely smashed and eating your roommates valentines chocolates while they’re
out on their date. They’ll have to make you throw up afterwards, but it will be worth
it. For the latter group, I’d recommend sequestering yourself so that you’re less of a
downer to the critters with someone special in their life, maybe go for a nice walk,
dig up a frozen squirrel and roll around in it to disguise the bitter smell of desolation.
And last, but not least, some advice for all you crazy couples trying to spice things up
in the bedroom, my counsel is simple, the furrier the better.

Sincerely,
Kevin, the Therapy Dog.

15
 hege-rtainment

Valentine’s day
movies
Greetings Readers,
Once again I, Pierre Nagh, will be reviewing the Hollywood classics that
will be coming out this Valentine’s day. There is a lot to get through, so I’ll
just jump right in.

The Day After Valentine’s Day – The true blockbuster hit of this season stars George Hemsworth, who perfectly shows
that someone who gained so much fame as a bass guitar playing rock star also can be human and vulnerable. We
come out thinking that we are just like him, putting our socks on one after the other. (or two on one foot and none
on the other)

Thrilleress – The most underrated of this year’s releases, Thrilleress takes us through the short lived romance of Lisa
Marie Prestly and Michael Jackson. The documentary style of the film may turn off some viewers, but those who do
check out the movie are greeted by the warm sight of Jackson’s (Michael Cera) muscular ankles. He spent three weeks
toning them before his performance, until they were just right. And it shows.

The Portrait– A movie with so much potential, but unfortunately this is one I would avoid. Ellen Sirot, one of my
all time favorite stars, takes the lead in this movie, but the director/executive producer Quentin Tarantino makes
another visually lacking film. Sirot, who plays the longtime girlfriend of a marine returning to service, is the only
redeeming feature in this film otherwise devoid of skin. Most audience members will come out of the film only
remembering the scene where Sirot changes from heels to working shoes, as the rest of the movie only focuses on
her counterpart’s PTSD as he returns from the war. Or something.

Tales from the Plains – Despite its PG rating, there is some hot and steamy action in this thriller. I wouldn’t bring my
children to this one. Tim Allen voices Ham, a boy lost in the forest who teams up with a bunch of cavemen on his
quest to find his sweetheart. I can’t believe the director made the cavemen shoeless the whole movie. It was hard for
me to contain myself. Certain times the camera would zoom in on the group running over rocks and twigs. Those
shots put me on edge.

Toe Jammin’ – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more perfect work in my whole life. My index toe could not stop shaking
the whole ride. From the opening scene, my heels were on fire. Meagan Good
plays a shoemaker who is more interested in making her husband’s feet Where Do All Those Sexy Bag
comfortable than raking in a profit, taking on the shoe industry as a whole. Condoms Go?
I wish I could tell you how the movie ended, but I was thrown out of the • Replacement bagpipe sacks
theater by some obnoxious patrons who, apparently, couldn’t watch because • Impoverished upperclassmen
they were distracted by “the creepy guy sucking on his toes the whole time.” • The Condom Gremlins
Some people just can’t recognize true appreciation when the see it. I still give • Hazy nights
this movie five toes out of five though. • Some sick pranks, bro
• Optimism
16
 choose your own hege-venture

C
There’s really only one
choice here. You put your
car into park and begin
to follow her. But where is
she going? You’re not familiar
with this part of town. She turns
down an alleyway. You’re getting
a really bad feeling at this point.
What do you do?
F) Go home (PAGE 11)
G) Turn down the alleyway (PAGE 11)
You tell her the truth. You were watching
the season finale of MasterChef Jr. To your
surprise, she understands. She’s an avid
N
MasterChef Jr. fan! You end up spending the rest
of the date talking about your love for cooking
shows that star children. You both leave the date feeling
like it went very well. You see her again, and then again,
and now you’ve been dating for a year and a half. Next
week you are going to a live taping of the new season of
MasterChef Jr. You plan to finally pop the question.
FIN

You tell him that you’re with him and he lowers the gun. A car pulls
up and he motions for the both of you to get in. The car drives for
what seems like hours. Eventually, it pulls up to a farm and parks
in the barn. You jump in your seat as the ground starts to lower.
The barn is actually an elevator and the farm is a cover for the
secret organization that houses its headquarters

H
below ground. Your jaw drops, but the man tells
you to get it together. You soon learn that the
world is populated by all manner of creatures you
believed to be fiction. The Organization (that’s
what it’s called) deals with these creatures, relocating
and taking them out when necessary. You become an
agent of The Organization, eventually becoming one of its most
respected and experienced members. Sadly, you finally meet your
match when you’re stabbed to death by an army of garden gnomes
given life through the magic of the holidays.
FIN

L Now you can

finally see why
kids love the taste
P Are you fucking
kidding me?
Raisin Bran!? I’m
M
of Cinnamon Toast messing with ya,
Crunch! You stay dead. it’s a pretty alright
cereal. Helps ya poop.
FIN FIN
FIN

Start your adventure on PAGE 6! 17

 the hegemonocle poetry corner

A Valentine’s Poem
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Your stuff’s on the curb
And I shat in your shoes.
I should’ve known this
Is a thing you would do.
Now our love is dead.
Daisies are white,
And cacti are green.
I wish I could punch you
And tear out your spleen.
You’ve a poor sense of fashion
And no oral hygiene.
I’ll sleep alone tonight.
Sunflowers are gold,
Carnations are pink.
I want you to know
That your music taste stinks.
And I asked you to NOT
Fucking pee in my sink.
Our love was getting old.
So many other
Nice flowers as well.
Our romance was great,
But it’s all gone to hell.
The future was bright
And all seemed so swell--
But then you fucked my mother.

18
 horoscope

Horoscopes
Where will you meet
your One True Love?
s!
It’s written in the star

Aries
You’ll spot them at the
optometrist's office! It’ll be
love at first sight!
Taurus Gemini
Run into your soulmate at
You’ll unknowingly fall in
love with your long lost
the running of the bulls in
identical twin, who you’ll
Spain — how exciting!
bump into at the liquor
store. It’s like The Parent
Trap, but sexier!

Cancer
Meet the one for you while
crab fishing in the bayou.
(Straight out of a Nicholas
Sparks novel!)
Leo
At an Oscar party, you’ll
excitedly kiss that handsome
co-worker of your sister to
celebrate DiCaprio finally
winning that award!
Virgo
At the grocery store, their
hand will touch yours when
you both reach for the same
bottle of Sriracha! Hot!

Libra
Find your life sentence of
love in court! Who knew a
wrongful death suit could
be so life-changing?
Scorpio
Catch your true love red-
handed in your living room!
They came for your TV but
left with your heart! And
your TV!
Sagittarius
Spear the one you love at
a Hunger Games cosplay
party! Two Peetas are
better than one!

Capricorn Aquarius Pisces

You’ll meet your destiny at Fate will bring you together You’ll fall in love with a
the petting zoo! Your love via Craigslist! Your odds goldfish! Cute!
sure is wild! were… honestly not great.
Submit to Hege
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