1

THE Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 16, Issue 2
Spring 2017
The Hegenomicon

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Jamie Goodin ’17
Austin Parsons ’17

EDITORIAL
Managing Editor
Sarah Coleman ’18
Managing Editor
Danny Ochoa ’18
Head Writer
Sean McDonald ’18
Social Media Editor
Marissa Heim ’17
Radio Editor
Yafiet Bezabih ’18

DESIGN
Head of Production
Noah Mondschein ’18
Neck of Production
Will Milch ’19

STAFF
Coat Rack ’99 Evan Supple ’17 Ward Takatomo ’19
Declan Cummings ’17 Ana Diaz ’18 Caleb Driker-Ohren ’19
Xander Gershberg ’17 Sophie Hannauer ’19 Adam Rogowski ’19
Eva Larsen ’17 Alex Dzwierzynski ’19 Nick Storlie ’19
Crystal Yam ’17 Jacob Trout ’19
SHOUT OUTS
Kevin the Dog, currently on sabbatical
The good sports who put up with being sexiled on Founders’ Day
Horses, the original cars
Autocracies - the reason is classified
The new Zelda game because it’s sick dope nasty

Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us:
hegemonocle@macalester.edu
2 @hegemonocle
facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four-ish
Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. times per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
All content, except what we’ve stolen
1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. Hegemonocle, 2017.
Letters to the editors, from the editors:
Dear Jamie,
Michelle and Joe. Ross and that other guy (Harvey?).
Lydia and Tom. After today, we join this list of The
Hegemonocle Editors-in-Chief Emeritus who served
between the Fall 2013 and Spring 2017 semesters.
Jamie and Austin. These are our names. Picture them at
the end of the list above. Also, I just remembered that
guy’s name. It was (and still is, I bet) Henry.
As our time as co-Editors-in-Chief comes to a close, I want
to remind you of all the other titles we’ve held within the
Hege organization. They include, chronologically: Staff
Writer, Eye Candy, Leading Consultant, Assistant Editor,
Managing Editor (me), Head Writer (you).
Despite our changing roles for this magazine in the past
four years, Hege has been consistently enjoyable from
Day 1, except for the end-of-year roast when we were
sophomores, obviously.
I don’t wish to speak for you (and I suppose this letter
should be about speaking to you), but I believe it’s safe
to say that we would not be the same without Hege, nor
would Hege be the same without us. Well, the magazine
would probably still be called The Hegemonocle, but
how would all the Political Science and English majors
on our staff gauge the accuracy of science-related jokes?
I’ll end this letter to you by answering a question Noah
posed last year: “What day of the week is Thursday?”
Well, Jamie, Noah, and everyone else to whom this letter
is not addressed, Thursday is Hege-day, and on every
coming Hege-day from 9:00 to 10:00 pm my heart will
long for a second-floor CC meeting room full of pieces to
workshop and friends to roast.
Thanks for being a part of something so good with me,
Jamie. It’s Friday and we just released the latest issue of
Hege - let’s celebrate. Bud Light Limes on me tonight.
Hege forever,
Austin
Dear Austin,
I recently read on Facebook that Des Moines is the new
Brooklyn. Now I know you’re not a Des Moines man
yourself, but you still grew up bathing in that Iowa sun
gorging on that Iowa soil. It only feels fitting that I would
read about our respective hometowns on social media,
as perhaps unbeknownst to you, I’ve been your social
media intern since 2013.
It’s hard to believe that I’ve spent four years increasing
your average number of likes per post. It hasn’t
always been easy--who can forget the Search Engine
Optimization Incident of 2015?--but I wouldn’t take any
of it back. 9:00 to 10:00 on Thursdays were a special
time. As we went around the room workshopping articles
with some of the most interesting and wonderful people
Macalester has to offer, it was an honor to mostly ignore
it in favor of designing algorithms to catapult you into
Time’s Top 100 Most Influential STEM Majors.
But those days when I could actually pay attention
because you had more social media engagement than
you needed, or you had become so embroiled in scandal
that no amount of PR finesse could save you, I knew
that my time with The Hegemonocle could not be better
spent.
As a sidenote, I’ve thought long and hard about what day
Thursday is. Still figuring that one out. Sorry, Noah.
I’ve learned so much from you and everyone else who
decided that writing for a college humor magazine
might not be so bad. It has been a joy to crank out two
or three of these things a semester. Although this will be
the last issue you and I will lead, there’s more to come--
this semester and beyond.
Yours always,
Jamie
3
HEGE ASKS THE HARD QUESTIONS:

Which is vs.
better?
Zombie Outbreaks Prevented Negative - creates corporate 7/10
zombies
Created Chikungunya Maybe Yes

Wait Time for Consultation Depends on major Depends on the socioeconomic

makeup of the region
Number of Kate Larsons 1 0 (excluding Catherine Larsen)
Employed
Spam Emails Sent 2 per day 1 per disease you have

Effectiveness Well I’m still unemployed 7/10

Attractiveness of Personnel Not great, but at least they’re Very clean, two thumbs up
well intentioned
Employees Lost to Zika 4 More than 4

Lives Saved STEM students only At least 4

Ability to Control Disease Poor Fair

Healthiness of Personnel Poor (gave Noah the flu) Fair (militant vape fiends)

Ability to Identify What they’re known for Could try harder

Trends/Epidemics
Proximity to Atlanta Far Close

Federal Funding Trump got confused, gave it all Knowledge of a job well done
to Mac CDC and a gold star sticker
4
 Mac Student Highlights of 2017 for your astrological sign
Aries: a bad case of gastroenteritis on your birth-
day weekend
***
Taurus: “accidentally” send nudes to your advi-
sor on two separate occasions
***
Gemini: your 4 year old cousin tells you they’re
disappointed in you
***
Cancer: wait two hours in the rain for your bus;
get on the wrong bus
***
Leo: slam your finger in the fridge door twice in
one day
***
Virgo: mom reveals that the pet fish you had
when you were five did not actually “run away”
Libra: overhear your RA calling you a “huge
fuckin’ narc”
***
Scorpio: you misuse the term “neoliberal” in
your politics class; the professor kicks you out
***
Sagittarius: eat a gas station hot dog out of des-
peration and rate it as “ok”
***
Capricorn: have a full blown meltdown in the
library when your essay prints in landscape
***
Aquarius: roommate barfs in your defrosting
mini-fridge; you find out 3 days later
***
Pisces: pubic landscaping gone awry

When this dog’s owner had a heart attack, she ran for miles to find a doctor, leading him back
in time for him to save her owner’s life, but a phone call probably would have been faster.

Look, I know what you’re looking for here. You’re looking for a feel-good story, that you
can read, and smile about, and say “Awwww we don’t deserve dogs!” to. But did you ever
really stop and think about what you’re doing? This lady had a literal fucking heart attack
and you’re cooing over how smart ol’ Daisy is? Too smart to operate a phone, apparently.
And what’s more, the dog ran for miles, but her owner lives literally two
blocks from a hospital. Daisy ran right past the hospital, chasing after God-
knows-what. Took her a near half hour to find someone. But nooooo, none
of that matters to you. Did you ever bother to think about what
happened after the story? Betsy, that sweet old woman whose
dog saved her? Yeah, she didn’t have health insurance. She gets
put in a hospital for a week, not a god damned one of her worth-
less grandchildren show up to visit her, and she gets a bill for
a solid $300,000. She can’t pay that shit. Well, much like you,
the bank didn’t care too much for Betsy, because they foreclosed on her house.
Forced her to declare bankruptcy. I’m not even going to go into the specifics of
what happened next. You wouldn’t want to hear it. But let’s just say that Daisy
wasn’t able to stop Betsy from dying six weeks later. And you remember those
good for nothing relatives that didn’t visit her in the hospital? Well they sure
as fuck didn’t take in Daisy. And you know what happens to dogs that no one
takes in? Yeah. You do. So maybe next time you read one of those articles
you’ll think about something more than just “Ohh doggo!” Be a responsible
reader for once in your god damned life.
5
 I’m not like other girls.
I’m not like other girls. I don’t do ~*normal*~
girl stuff like wear makeup except for my sig-
nature winged eye liner. I also think boy jokes
are super funny. Like, Kenny made a fart
noise when Becca was bending over to get the
pen she dropped. And Trisha and her ~popu-
lar girl~ friends all rolled their eyes cuz they
think they’re too cool even though they’re totally
not, but I laughed cuz Kenny is suuuper fun-
ny XD farts are hilarious!1!! Trisha just isn’t
funny cuz she only thinks about lip gloss :P but
not me. I’m not like other girls. Trisha and her
posse like to go shopping for pink stuff and eat
salads but not me. I like to get fisted in the ass...

Sorry, I misspoke. I LOVE to get fisted in the ass. I want Kenny to grab around in my rectum like he’s search-
ing for the key to fix his parents broken marriage. Like he’s the claw machine and my small intestine is an old
tootsie pop. Like Michaelangelo’s “The Creation of Adam,” but with his fist and my anus. Did I mention I like
to sk8? It’s the funnest, I get to ride around the neighborhood and murder small birds and do kick flips. I also
like shows like South Park cuz swears are too funny and poop jokes are too. Ugh all the *%regular%* girls are
so annoying!!

ALIGNMENT CHART OF CAMPUS ORGS

CHAOTIC NEUTRAL LAWFUL

EVIL Anime Club The Spark Chanter

(2014-2016)

White
Sitting @
NEUTRAL MCSG
MAC
Identity
Collective

Handmade
GOOD C.H.E.E.B.A.
@ MAC
Sober @ MAC
6
*The Mac Weekly is not relevant enough for its own category
Hi Phil, so glad you’ll be staying in our home as our first Airbnb guest.
We hope you enjoy your time in the city. Anyways, we just wanted to give you
a quick list of rules for the house, I think you’ll find them all pretty agreeable.

- DO NOT antagonize the Nåchzehrµr. He is content to lie in his coffin in the basement,
spreading plague, despair, and poor crop yield through his malevolent telekinetic abilities.
Things that may antagonize the Nåchzehrµr include: loud music, big parties, and putting a
brick in his mouth and cutting his head off.

- Take your garbage to the curb. Collection day is Thursday but if you miss it don’t worry,
they’ll always be another Thursday.

- DO NOT feed the Nåchzehrµr. He does not eat regularly but rises only on the solstice to
devour the rotted corpses of his family. Attempting to feed the Nåchzehrµr will only antag-
onize him (see rule 1). The guest that fed the Nåchzehrµr received a very poor rating on the
Airbnb app and had to be shipped back to his family in a cigar tin.

- As any good home should, we have two keys. The main key is under a rock on the porch.

- The spare key is in the basement, tucked neatly in the Nåchzehrµr’s coffin. DO NOT try
to rip the key from the Nåchzehrµr’s cold dead claw. If you take his key, he WILL retrieve
it. We advise that you not lose the main key.

- Laundry is in the basement and is complimentary. Make sure to shake the sand out of
your clothes before you put them in the laundry. The Nåchzehrµr DOES NOT like the
sound of sand rattling in the drier. It will for sure antagonize him (see rule 1). Also, we keep
detergent and fabric softener on a shelf above the washer. Take as much as you need.

- DO NOT pour fabric softener on the Nåchzehrµr. The basement is very dark and rank
as to resemble the conditions of a 7th century German cemetery. As it may be difficult to
distinguish the Dyson CR01 Washer from the bespoke stone sarcophagus that houses the
vengeful Nåchzehrµr, so please just make sure you know which is which before you start
pouring fabric softener.

- Guests are welcome. We know a lot of Airbnb hosts frown on guests but our family philoso-
phy has always been the more the merrier.

- If you do bring guests, please DO NOT neglect to alert the Nåchzehrµr of their presence.
We request that you bring a small sample of clothing or hair to the basement and place it on
a napkin in front of the Nåchzehrµr’s coffin. If he does not recognize the scent of your guest,
the Nåchzehrµr will ruthlessly hunt them and drag their desecrated corpse into the depths
of the blighted earth. So just give him a heads up.

- The wifi password is: isubmittothenåchzehrµr. All lowercase.

7
 Applying for Sophomore housing?
Applying for Sophomore housing is infamously known as a stressful aspect of a first-year’s experience at
Macalester College. Here’s some information on the big options of living.

Bigelow? I thought I was in Turck?

Do: Repeat “not Slytherin... not
Slytherin” before clicking on the
your roster time information.
Dupre is where first-years live, you
Do: Purchase a metal canteen idiot. You can live there but you’re going to
and/or leather waterskin if you
have to be extra mean to the any first-year
live in Kirk, as the nearest water
source is miles away. that you come across.

Don’t: Lie to yourself about

living with Stacy and Lisa, they’re
way too cool for you.
Do: Beat up the biggest inmate
on the very first day of residency
if you live in Dupre hall.
Wallace is an historic dorm. It was the
original living quarters at Mac. Incoming
students should keep an eye on the staircases though--they like to change. The third-
floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish
to die a most painful death.

Don’t: Think that you’re

not cool enough to live with
Stacy and Lisa, you’re totally The Veggie Co-Op is where vegetarians live, and you are hardly a
cool enough, right? You should vegetarian. Do you have a nose ring? Well… you can pass I suppose but you’ll need
ask them today.Yeah, maybe you to put some more stickers on your Macbook Pro before moving in.
should just bring it up at lunch or
something.

Do: Cause a distraction when
people are picking their room.
Don’t: Cry when you’re
locked into the system as the
30BigWall RHD’s little spoon
after having been allured by their
appealing roster time.
Do: Keep a low profile if you
live in Dupre. Also it’d be for the
better if you could find some-
thing sharp and pointy in case
any trouble arises. Toothbrushes,
for example, can be worn down
on the white walls until they
come to a point.
Don’t: Be mad at Stacy and
Lisa, they said that they wanted
to live in a double next year, and
you knew that.You’ll probably
get to live with them Junior year
off-campus--or at least sublet for
them.
Bigelow? I could have sworn that I would be in Wallace by now--I’m just trying
to get back there. Why are the lights so dim here? The way they flicker is making me
really uncomfortable. I would ask for directions but most of the rooms are empty.
Maybe somebody in that dorm made out of gingerbread and gumdrops over yonder
could help me.
Kirk is known for its freaking sweet
location. Dude, if we lived in Kirk we
would be going to the gym like 24/7.
I’d get that ripped upperclassmen
bod. Also I hear it has split doubles!
30 Mac is a nudist colony.
GDD is nice from what I hear. I don’t know what the letters stand for and am quite
embarrassed because of this. What the hell is the Lock for that matter? Oh Loch?
Like the Loch Ness, oh shit that makes so much sense--Nessie’s, like the Loch Ness
Monster, I get it. GDD kind of sounds like GRE and I should probably know what that
stands for. Fuck it, I’m a first-year looking for housing, I don’t need to know that shit
yet.

8
 Study Finds Dolphins Smart Enough to Solve Rubik’s Cubes, Get a 35 on the ACT, Fuck Your Mom
We know that dolphins are adorable little fish-mammals,
but a recent study suggests that they have more to them
than meets the eye. Scientists put 15 groups of dolphins
from all across the world through a series of tests to see
just how intelligent those slippery flippers really are, and
the results were shocking. Almost half of the dolphins
were able to solve a Rubik’s Cube, given enough time,
which proves that they really aren’t that hard, and you’re
just an idiot. Even more surprising, the majority of them
scored between a 33 and a 35 on the ACT, which really
shines light on how mediocre your super scored 32 really
was, no matter how “proud of you” your parents are. And
speaking of your parents, every single last one of those
dolphins was able to fuck your mom. Those smooth talkers
were able to get your mom into bed for some passionate
aquatic mammal coitus, and your dad even watched. He
got a lot out of it. Saved their marriage, seems like. He said
something about “Finally understanding what she needs.”

?
Listen, I’m not a marine biologist or anything, but I think
that makes these dolphins something really special.

Where in the World was the Panini Press?

• At the bottom of the Mississippi River, thrown there by the
waffle maker
• Studying abroad in India, to find itself
• Imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay
• Backpacking through Europe
• Living off campus
• Fired for trying to unionize with the toaster and the gluten
free waffle maker
• Went to Mars to escape the human race
• Hiking through the Andes for the thrill of it
• Fell asleep on the light rail
• Got lost in Olin-Rice
• Has a panini-making internship in Minneapolis
• Dropping out to pursue a career as a George Foreman grill
• Serving as the primary source of nourishment for the army
of David Sisk clones (turn page)
• On a pilgrimage to Italy to make real panini
• Nessie’s

9
 David Sisk Cloning Project Discovered in Basement of Dupre
An FBI investigation is underway at Macalester College after Eric Brockton ’20 made a startling discovery at
approximately 11:30 pm Wednesday night. The hungry first-year was searching for a vending machine in the
basement of Dupre Residence Hall when he accidentally uncovered a converted holding pen in the 10K per-
formance venue. Although the facility itself is a significant discovery, it was the legion of David Sisks scurry-
ing around the room and warning each other not to share their passwords that really shocked Brockton.

“Well, ya know, one second I’m on the median smoking some new shit called ‘Socratic Sativa’ and then
next thing I know I open one wrong door and there they are. There must’ve been 60 or 70 Sisks just living
there,” Brockton said. “I wouldn’t have known who they were except for that picture that is attached to all the
emails—I always thought it was a stock photo or something.”

Discovering the Sisks disrupted Brock-

ton’s usual Wednesday night activities.

“Usually I get pretty high but I must’ve

been zonked, I mean, I freaked out.
Also I do have Venmo if anyone is in-
terested in buying, just keep it lowkey
though.”

In connection with the incident, sev-

eral high-ranking Macalester officials
have been taken into custody, includ-
ing President Brian Rosenberg and
Kevin the Therapy Dog.

Saint Paul Police Chief Eugene Samp-

son declined to comment on the situ-
ation, but an unnamed source close to
the investigation linked Kevin’s known
past as a barbiturate drug lord to the
theory that the Sisks were being cloned
and used as drug mules.

Others around campus,

including biology ma-
jor Delmar Aaronson
’18, were shocked and
appalled by the cloning
project.

“I always thought Sisk

was some sort of comput-
er bot or a thesis project
10
or something,” Aaronson
said. “I mean I know that all of my friends didn’t think he was real either, let alone
that there were dozens of him. The scary thing is that if they treat him like we treat
our test rats then they must’ve run through thousands by now.”

Since the Sisks’ first exposure with the outside world, several have escaped and
interacted with people on campus, including philosophy major Erica Gelnatt ’18.

“Yea, I’ve seen some of them around. Definitely saw one crawling out of a compost
bin this morning with a whole stack of oatmeal raisin cookies,” Gelnatt said. “And
I know that some of my friends were there when the Sisks broke into the DRC. I
heard that by the time the cops showed up they had burrowed out. I mean, I don’t
see what the big deal is—they aren’t hurting anyone. If we’re going to do anything
we need to have a colloquium first, but I say just let ‘em be.”

Reports from the Sisk camp early this morning confirmed that the situation
had deteriorated when one Sisk refused to give up the communal
laptop that he was using after his allotted time had ended. When
a rival gang came to force him off the computer, the room ex-
ploded into violence.

“From a sociological viewpoint the experiment is actually quite

amazing. They’ve constructed a whole hierarchy, a society of
opposing Sisks,” said sociology professor Danielle Gross.
“Of course, it is a little troubling that the whole operation wasn’t
disclosed and I suppose it’s an ethical gray area, but ya know,
Dupre seems to be a good home for them with the dark damp-
ness and all that.”

The Sisks will remain in the 10K facility until enough host fam-
ilies come forward to house them. However PASSWORD (Par-
ents And Students for Sisks Who Ought to Remain in Dupre)
continues to hold sit-ins across Saint Paul advocating for a
permanent Sisk-home in 10K.

Newly promoted “Prime Chancellor of the English Language,”

Marlon James, who is filling in for President Brian Rosenberg
while he is in police custody, is expected to release a
Facebook update on the situation by the end of the
week.

Until then, it is now more important than ever

that you don’t give ITS your password. The Sisks’
motives are still unknown.
11
All Star Senior Chooses Spotify.
Second semester senior Tammy McDaniels has announced that she has subscribed
to Spotify Premium. McDaniels, Phi Beta Kappa, is an avid music fan and Computer Sci-
ence major but until now had not declared her streaming allegiance. In a statement Friday
Tammy said, “You know, I held out as long as I could; I have a record collection and some-
times I even pirated music.”

When asked how she kept her bangers trending, “like everyone my age I use You-
Tube a lot, but everyone picks a streaming service eventually.” McDaniels didn’t make her
choice blind though. “I got a taste for different types by using other peoples, my sister has
Apple music and when Pablo dropped I got I trial of Tidal.”

Tammy plans on returning to live in San Francisco so

she can stay near her parents. “I want to keep using
their boat honestly. But the city is getting expensive
and they’re not going to keep paying my rent forev-
er.” That’s why Tammy, a straight-A student pub-
lishing a paper with a professor soon, is lucky to
have landed a big post-grad job offer. “When
they showed me my first year salary, that’s when
I knew I was going Spotify Premium--I was on
my phone as soon as I got out of the meet-
ing.”

As we were ending the interview Tam-

my let me in on the
secret to how the
Swedish streaming
service had
seduced her
subscription.
“At the end of
the day music
is about the
artists and so
I did it for the
artists really.
I just thought
“Spotify has
the most artists.
When I’m on
the boat after work
this summer, I’m not
gonna want to not have all
the artists.” And that sealed
it.
12
 Raise Your GPA with these Easy Tips!
-Wear horse blinders everywhere you go. Keep your eyes on the prize!
-Sleep with the Registrar and/or BriRo
-Ask your classmates how they did on that test and always say you did better, then
feel pressured to live up to the lie
-Play Edward 40Hands but with books
-Snort some addy before study seshes, then pop a couple benzos to ensure a good
night’s sleep
-Get seven hours of sleep every night, take thorough notes, go to office hours regu-
larly, ask questions in class, utilize resources at the MAX center
-Just fucking be better
-Switch to a smaller major, like Russian Studies. They need majors so badly they’ll
give you a 4.0 to keep you around

“Hey, you can’t smoke here!” exclaimed a Macalester student while on her way to her night class, after coming across an assumed fellow stu-
dent smoking while cozily propped up against the dimly lit outside wall of the Janet Wallace Fine Arts Center.
“This is a smoking free campus--read the fucking big ass pavement stickers that are literally everywhere,” the student chided.
“Alright, alright, it’s chill. Don’t hate. I’m just trying to enjoy myself after a long day,” responded the smoker before taking one last spiteful drag
and flicking his half-burnt Blue American Spirit loosey to the ground.
“Shit dude, you’d understand if you smoked,” mumbled the smoker while mashing the ashy remnants of the cigarette with the toe of his shoe.
“Say another word and I’ll report you to security,” the student said while walking away.

I’ll admit it, smoking is bad. However, to some, smoking is not merely an impulse but a necessity. My name is Brian Rosenberg. That smoker
was me. My story is only one of many.
13
Join the campaign to stop the bullying of smokers. #SmokersArePeople
 I feel that I have been faced with a
moral dilemma, a true test of my
humanity, a monumental decision that one
faces but a single time in their life: my housekeep-
er keeps stringing my guests up by their entrails but he
also folds my bed with hospital corners.

I have thought often how unfair it is that I must make this decision, that I
of all people have been selected for this Sophie’s Choice. Do I fire my house-
keeper, Lucifo, and allow my bedsheets to hang loose from mattress, or do I
keep him and spend every conscious moment living in paralyzing terror?
On the one hand, Lucifo has never missed recycling day. “How do you al-
ways remember Lucifo?” I ask, to which he responds: “shngis eonuffcts
oloqefdcŦliesdsus”. On the other hand, Lucifo tears off the arms of my
friends and family and has constructed a throne out of the severed append-
ages that he has placed in front of my bed. Despite reminders that he is not
being paid overtime, Lucifo sits there and watches me while I sleep. I do not
understand how he keeps getting in, as I barricade the door nightly.

Oh woe is me that I have arrived at such a fork in the road in which one
route contains neatly folded hand towels placed daily beside the sink, and
the other contains luncheons that do not end with my relatives being mu-
tilated and carried away into a thick fog. I have discussed the matter with
anyone who will listen and yet still no clear answer has surfaced. “Oh my
god, please call the police or something, holy shit” says my therapist, “Je-
sus Christ why are you talking to me about this call the cops right now you
fucking lunatic” says my lawyer, “My legs, where are my legs!?” says
14
my interior decorator. So you can see why I am so unsure.

Oh but the most painful part, yes the most excruciating of these unjust cir-
cumstances is that Lucifo dries the inside of the sink with a paper towel after
use to prevent water damage, but also I let him outside once and he slaugh-
tered every dog on my street, leaving their collars in a damp pile on my
doorstep. I reminded him that this was not how Secret Santa worked as those
collars were clearly from him, and then next year he left the pile under the
doormat. And so you see another dilemma I must face: Lucifo is quick to em-
brace new ideas, but also he kills every dog in my neighborhood annually.

Sometimes as I lay awake in bed, Lucifo staring down at me while he chokes

the life out of a small animal, I remember my life before all this. Going out
to movies with my cousins; oh the way they used their still attached arms to
carry those big tubs of popcorn that we could never finish. Inviting my friends
over to watch the game, and yelling as they used their still attached arms
to grab the last slice of pizza. Just looking at pretty much everyone I knew
with their arms still attached. But also my stovetop was fucking filthy.

Other times as I lay awake in bed, Lucifo still staring down at me, setting
a Bible on fire, I recall how he came to me. My home was a disaster, hand
towels folded in a disorderly fashion, my sink streaked with watermarks,
bed corners folded without a care in the world. Something needed to
be done, and the someone to do it seemed only a pipe dream, my
knight in shining armor who would forever remain just a
hopeful figment of my imagination. Thank God for An-
gie’s List.

15
New Executive Order Ruins Life For Definitely Everyone This Time
Among the flood of new executive orders signed by President Trump, the most recent one is turning heads. At approx-
imately 1:30 PM EST on March 19th of 2017, Trump signed a new order: every morning, all Americans will henceforth be
required to put on highly absorbent socks and step in a puddle of water which Chris Christie puts on their bathroom floor.
They are then duty-bound to wear the socks for the rest of the day. This measure will ensure that absolutely no individual
will be exempt from being at least reasonably miserable under his regime.

“You know folks, I’ve been getting a lot of complaints about how I do my job recently -- it’s true,” Trump was quoted
saying during a press conference shortly after the televised signing of the order. “People have been saying to me, ‘Donald,
you’re amazing, you’re great, we love you, but some people have been saying--fake news I’m sure--that you’re making life
difficult for many Americans.’ So I thought what better way to solve the problem than to level the playing field?”

Already the American public is up in arms over this added order from the cisgendered, heterosexual, upper-class, white
male President, including individuals that were originally resigned to just “deal with it” for the next four years.

“I really didn’t see this coming,” said Jonathan Brad-

ford ’19, a cisgendered, heterosexual, upper middle-class,
Protestant, white male from Dallas, Texas with both his
sun and moon signs tattooed on his bicep. “I saw ev-
eryone protesting and calling their senators about racist
healthcare and bans on walls, and I figured that all we
could really do was hunker down for the next four years.
But I totally get it now. I understand their pain. This
executive order is definitely going too far, cuz like, what
could be worse than wet socks all day every day? What if
I get trench foot? And what if I want to wear flip flops?”

Future executive orders with similar goals such as

these are rumored to be on the horizon, such as a ban on
having a dick longer than the president’s. The president
stated that he would take personal responsibility by doing
all the measuring himself.
16
16
 For my Mother, Who Cannot From the Desk of the Hopeful
Gander Xershberg Feena Zuleihan

Dear O Great, Goblin King,

“This is a very easy and no fail recipe for meatloaf.
It won’t take long to make at all, and it’s quite good!”
Ingredients 1 1/2 pounds ground beef
1 egg 1 onion, chopped 1 cup milk
1 cup dried bread crumbs
salt and
pepper to taste
2 tablespoons brown sugar 2 tablespoons
prepared mustard
1/3 cup ketchup Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
In a large bowl, combine the beef, egg, onion,
milk and bread OR cracker crumbs.
Season with salt and pepper to taste and place
in a lightly greased 5x9 inch loaf pan, OR form into a loaf and
place in a lightly greased 9x13
inch baking dish.
In a separate small
bowl, combine the brown sugar, mustard and
ketchup.
Mix well and pour over the meatloaf.
Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 1 hour.
Could you return our livestock? Our sheep that baa, our cows
that moo, the chickens that make chicken noises? We already
know of your magnificence, O Great, Goblin King. We do not
need to be reminded.
While you’re at it, could we get our ox and plow back, too? Our
lawns have grown long and untamed. The gnomes have started
to nest in it. We see them, at night, as we dine on our saltines
and flat seltzer, the sustenance provided to us by you, O Great,
Goblin King. We see them and they taunt us, with their sharp
teeth and pointy hats, and oh so trendy, little mushroom houses.
Since we’re asking for so much, where’s the harm in asking for a
little more? We have beheld, O Great, Goblin King, the hugeness
of your hoard. We do not ask for much, simply enough gold
pieces that we can return to having Tuesday night poker. We have
all been bankrupt by your incredibly generous taxation process,
and we miss our weekly distraction from the toil of our lives.
In fact, while we’re on the subject of returning things, you have
stolen the heart of my eldest daughter. She loves the green of your
skin and the must of your folds. She loves the way you enjoy the
pain of your people. She loves you, O Great, Goblin King. Could
you let her down easy?
Thanks,

Farmer Josep

98 99

17
 If Macalester sports teams had a basketball tourney:
(W) Basketball 1
(W) Basketball
Baseball 16
(W) Basketball
(M) Golf 8
(W) Water Polo
(W) Water Polo 9
(W) Basketball
(M) Tennis 5
(M) Tennis
(M) Swimming 12
(M) Tennis
(W) X Country 4
(W) X Country
(W) Tennis 13
Hegemonocle
(M) X Country 6
(W) Frisbee
(W) Frisbee 11
(W) Frisbee
Football 3
Football
(W) Swimming 14
Hegemonocle
Softball 7
(M) Frisbee
(M) Frisbee 10
Hegemonocle
(M) Basketball 2
Hegemonocle
Hegemonocle 15

.4
.5 .3
.6
.2
.21
.7
.1

.8 .20

.9

.10 .22 .23

.11
.24
.26 .25
.60
.51 .50
.19 .52 .595849.
.14 .53 .54.55 .. .48
.16 .61 .62
.33 .15 .18
57
.42 .56 .47
.12 .13 .17 .43 .46
.27 .44 .45 .63
..32
34 .
.35
31 .28 .41
.40.65
..30
36
.38
.64
.39
..37
29

18 Connect the dots... What could it be??

 IX 0 X XV
Chanter - The Hermit The Hegemonocle - The Fool The Windmill - Email Fraud - The Devil
The Wheel of Fortune

Cut Out Your Very Own Tarot Cards

II XIII VI XX
The Mac Weekly -

19
The Spark - Death Macalester Football - The Lovers David Sisk - The Protector
Two of Cups
20