Counting Mistakes

It’s been 10 times in the past 17 years of my life where I’ve been forced to go
Somewhere to rectify the million and one mistakes my biological mother did unto my siblings
and I to the point where I had to undergo
All the hurt and growing pains of being better than what was done to me
434 times and more, I swear I could not breathe, when I sought to look deep down inside of me
In fact when I was a baby at 16:34 September 24,
I came out with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck
Almost signifying before all these years of how I would feel almost every night
As I lay awake inside my bed
Thinking of everything I’ve done wrong
And what I can do to make it right
Ruminating over every little second, minute, and hour of every day
Counting mistakes until I saw no stars, no light
Until all I saw was black and 50 shades of gray at the very best
I couldn’t stop myself while I’d do a 360 turn over and over, while grinding into the ground
911 was called at least 30 times but they couldn’t save or find my soul,
and me when I say I’ve already checked the lost and found

Looking back on my childhood now, I realize I had to grow up fast

Be twice my age or more depending on the crowd
But now that my dad has set me free starting back in 2016
I’m still stuck figuring out who I’m really meant to be
All the people my age don't get me, call me flaky and beseech me back into my hole
But now that’s the only place that’s comfortable for me, like ice cream with sprinkles in a bowl.
But I find it funny how I get along so well with people younger than me
Maybe it’s just how kids when they’re 3-8 years old are self-conscious
They’re just so wild and free,
Something I could never be.

And speaking of childhood

It’s crazy how 1 summer can change everything
1 decision of doing something crazy, unclean
It can strip you of your innocence and your childhood, your whole well-being
I tried to act older but I wasn’t ready to be in that role
I made excuses for the boy who’d always cry wolf
I hate watermelon, Big Red, and the Dollar Tree
I hate what I did with all of my being
24 hours in a day and each hour my stomach gets more sour
Slowly killing me inside with the million entities of hatred within myself.
Now I’m stuck in 1 big, giant pit of quicksand
Drowning in only 2ft of water
Waiting for 3 lifeguards to come and help me
Or maybe 4 of them will help me get me back on my feet.

3 times a day I try to thank God for what he’s given me and it’s hard
But I like to think that maybe this is the long journey into something big he has in store for me
I have 2 more burning questions though,
How many times can you wish on the Wishing Star?
With all the mistakes I’ve made, can one wish fix it all for me?