When you debate your life,

when you go back and forth in

your life, you don't know
if you're gonna live or die, you
realize a lot of things, great things
that happened in your life and
terrible things that
happened in your life, and one
thing that stood out to me is my
parents never told me they loved
me till I was 29 years old. And it
really messed with
me in a hospital, right? So before I
get into that story, I gotta tell you
about my parents. If you haven't
seen my last special, my dad is
Black, born
and raised in Louisiana, has a PhD
in nuclear physics
and served our country in the
Army, people Right Now, in the
 last special, he was 75. Now, he's
78, and he hasn't changed. He's still
Black and has swag. He still walks
around the house like this, you
know what I mean? And he's
always laughing
like, "Heh, heh, hyah, hyah, hyah,
hyah, hyah. And always pointing at
random shit that's not there. Did a
hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah,
hyah. Now, my mom, she was born
and
raised in Korea, south side. Now
we know who doesn't
watch the news in this room. I said
it in my last special, Blasian. It's
tough having an Asian mom 'cause
if they think it, they say it. They
have no filter. My mom just turned
70,
and now all bets are off. She does
 not care. I never thought my mom
could be worse. My mom won't
even say
people's names to me anymore
'cause she would rather
describe them to me. She calls me
the other day
and goes, "You know what? "I like
your friend; he nice." I go, "Which
one?" She goes, "Fat boy, small
feet." But I knew exactly who
she was talking about because with
my mom, my mom will say things
to make you mad. She will say
things that
make you wanna fight. But my
mom feels, really feels, that she
can say anything to anybody 'cause
"it's the true. "Oh, you don't like
true? "Why you mad? "It's the true.
"Do I lie? "Do I lie?" My mom got
 in a fight with my wife. - Oh. -
Now, full transparency,
my wife cooks, like, once every
couple of
you know, once a, once. So my
mom walks into
our new house and goes, "Oh, what
a beautiful
kitchen for no cooking." But, mom,
you can't say that in my house,
nuh-uh, not to my wife.
She goes, "Why? "It's a true, it's a
true. "You don't like true?" And
then to me and my wife, she goes,
"Do I lie? "Do I lie?" I look at my
dad for help. He's like, "Walk
away, son, walk away. "Heh, heh,
heh, heh." My wife, she's white.
Woo, it got quiet, okay. But my
wife is just not white. She white-
white. Now, I know a lot of
 people in here are white, and
you're questioning
yourselves right now going, "Am I
white-white?" No. My wife is
whiter than you. My wife is from
Gillette, Wyoming white. You hear
that? When white people into me
like, "Damn. "That's white." But
we got a beautiful
family, man; we got two kids. My
son is now five, my daughter's
two, and they're Black, white, and
Asian. That's right, that's right. We
gave birth to pandas. We call 'em
Ling Ling and Sing Sing. In my
last special, I talked about this
when my son was born 'cause
I didn't have a daughter at that time
when my son was born, and the
doctor handed me my son. It's
crazy as a father 'cause
 I knew I would die for him, right,
and I don't even know this dude.
He could be a terrible human
being, but I would
die for him, you know? But when
they handed me my daughter, oh, it
was different. I was like, "Oh,
okay, okay. "I would kill for you."
I became a murderer overnight
'cause the family dynamic to me is
crazy, like I
would die for my son, I would kill
for my daughter,
but here's what's crazy. I wouldn't
kill for my wife 'cause that's not
my job. That's her father's job. I
don't wanna step on anybody's
toes. Because I love both of my
kids the same. But the love is in
different directions. My son, I want
him to be
 able to take care of himself, be
strong, but I know
for the rest of my life, I'm going to
protect my daughter 100%. And
what's the biggest threat to
women? - Men.
- Look at that, men. So now I hate
all men. I became a lesbian activist
overnight slash murderer. I'm Ellen
DeGeneres with a gun. Because
every man's a
threat to my daughter. Every single
man eventually
will be a threat to my daughter. I
hate my son. Sometimes I hate my
son, why? 'Cause he's a threat to
my daughter. We all have baby
cams. I'm watching my kids play.
My daughter's playing with her
little toy. My son walks over and
grabs the toy from her. I get so
 angry, but then,
my daughter grabs it back, and I'm
like, "Yeah, that's my baby girl."
Right? Don't take no man's crap.
But then, my son looks around to
see if anybody's watching starts
backing up where she is, and he
hits her with his butt, and she falls
to the
ground and starts crying. I get so
angry inside. I'm so mad; I wanna
fuck
this little dude up, right? But I
can't; he's only five,
and it's not a fair fight. It's not a
fair fight. All I can do is scream
and like, "Hey, "you better stop
that," and he runs off. But my
daughter could hit my
son with a brick in the face. I be
like, "Hey, girl,
 good job, good job." Because a
daughter makes you a better man.
100%, 100%. It makes you more
empathetic. You care about people;
you get sensitive. I cry all the time
now. All the time; I don't even
know why. My wife looks at me in
disgust, I cry so much. She's like,
"Why are you crying?" I'm like .
I've never seen my dad cry
once, but I cry all the time, and
then it hit me. Every generation, a
father gets softer and softer and
softer. It means things are getting
easier. My Black grandfather was
born in 1902 in America. Went
through injustices
you couldn't even imagine. My dad
went through segregation, still got
a PhD in nuclear physics, and had
to march, had
 to march just to drink outta the
same water
fountains as everybody else. -
Woo.
- That's right. Me? I would never
drink out of a fountain. That shit's
disgusting. But my dad, man, I
can't
take him to the park 'cause he has
to drink outta
every freaking fountain. I'm like,
"You fought for this?" He's like,
"Sh, I deserve
this, son, I deserve it." I tell you,
man. I'm going on six years of
marriage, man. My parents,
though, they
just celebrated 48 years of
marriage. That's something to clap
about. So I asked my dad, I said,
"Hey, man, "you've been married
48 years. "How'd you do it? "How
do you stay married that long?" My
dad looks at me and
goes, "That's simple, son. "Never
say the first or second thing "that
pops into your head. "You always
say the third." I go, "What's that
mean?" He goes, "Well, the first
thing, you will get a divorce. The
second thing, "you on the couch.
"But the third thing, happily ever
after." I'm six years in, I don't get
it. Till about a month ago. Me and
my wife are driving to Vegas. She
packs a cooler of food
for our two-year-old daughter. We
get to Vegas, my wife
opens up the cooler and goes, "Oh,
my God, the food all melted." I
look in the cooler and notice she
didn't put any ice in it. You. I
 manned up though, you know.
"Hey, baby, "you didn't put any ice
in the cooler." My wife looks at me
and goes,
"You don't need to put ice "in a
cooler; it's a cooler, duh." Now, the
first thing I thought
was that's the dumbest shit I ever
heard in my life. But I didn't say
the first thing. I didn't say the
second thing. I said the third thing.
I said, "Baby, I can't believe this
cooler "is broken.".

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