NPR Reading 18 Warm sibling bonds help booster happiness as you age

Got brothers or sisters? Warm sibling bonds help booster happiness as you age
APRIL 27, 20247:01 AM ET

Allison AubreyCredit: Lily Padula for NPR

The Science of Siblings is a new series exploring the ways our siblings can influence
us, from our money and our mental health all the way down to our very molecules.
We'll be sharing these stories over the next few weeks.

Many of us have up and down relationships with our siblings. And those relationships
can be most intense during adolescence.

I remember as a teenager all the ways my older sister reminded me she was in
charge, like when she got her driver's license and insisted that I sit in the back seat
when we picked up her friend, Pam, who got to sit up front. It was really, really
annoying.

But once we were out of the house in our 20s, our relationship evolved. We began to
see each other as equals and friends. She still likes to take charge, though I admire
her for that now because she's good at it. And somewhere along the way she
became my biggest cheerleader, supporting me in my career and parenting. Our
shared values and experiences have brought us close in middle age.

Turns out this bodes well for my and my sisters' emotional health. Researchers have
found thata warm, close bond with a sibling in early adult life is predictive of greater
resilience later in life, with less loneliness, anxiety and depression.

"I think it speaks to the salience of the sibling tie," says Megan Gilligan, associate
professor of human development and family science at the University of Missouri.

Gilligan and her colleagues analyzed survey data from hundreds of participants in the
Family Transitions Project, a decades' long study of family relationships. They found
people who reported higher levels of warmth and connection with their sibling at
age 23, had lower levels of anxiety and depressive symptoms at age 41. "And we
found the reverse, too," Gilligan says.

People who felt conflict in a sibling relationship at age 23, were more likely to report
anxiety and other negative emotions at mid-life. The findings are published in The
Journal of Family Psychology.

There tends to be a turning point in sibling relationships, typically around the age of
23."The relationships shift," Gilligan says. And even though we never forget those
early dynamics, the relationships tend to become more stable.

Given all the important relationships people have over a lifetime, with partners,
children, friends and colleagues,the importance of sibling relationships can
sometimes be hidden in plain sight. It's easy to take siblings for granted, but Gilligan
says the "clear pattern" that emerged from her research demonstrates how early
sibling relationships can influence emotional well-being into middle age and beyond.
"It validates the importance of these ties," she says.

Another study that examined sibling relationships in later life found the significance
of these relationships endures into retirement age. When researchers studied a
sample of 608 older adults, aged 65 years – on average – they found that people who
reported warm relations with siblings were less lonely and more emotionally healthy.

And, again the reverse was true. Sibling conflict was tied to feelings of depression,
anxiety, hostility and loneliness. "Siblings are serving as a source of social support,
decreasing these mental health [struggles]," Gilligan says.

And some bonds are tighter than others. Researchers found sisters had warmer
relationships compared to those between brothers or between brothers and sisters.

Even if you're not best friends, sibling relationships can be strengthened. The key is
to talk things through. Here are three tips to help.

Get your feelings out in the open.

It's easy to fall back into old dynamics, or be triggered by events from childhood. And
if parents had favorites that can make the relationship harder.

Most siblings experience ups and downs in their relationships."It's not a good
strategy to let it go," Gilligan says. Instead it's best to acknowledge the past history
and family dynamics and try to work through them. Just as in your relationships with
friends or a spouse, our sibling relationships take nurturing and commitment.

Give your siblings some grace.

We tend to be more reactive with our siblings. A disagreement may take us back to
the rocky relationships that are typical in childhood. But as adults, it's important to
step back and see a situation from your sibling's point of view, even if that takes time
and patience. "Everything looks different from different perspectives," says Ellen
Langer, a psychology professor at Harvard, who studies mindfulness. Bickering is
common in close relationships, Langer says, so it's helpful to be curious about your
sibling's point of view, rather than judgmental. Understanding their perspective may
help you understand their choices and actions.

Establish clear lines of communication

Caring for aging parents can be a big source of conflict for grown siblings. If you
haven't been in the habit of relying on each other, the growing needs of parents can
require time and commitment."The division of care is one of the biggest sources of
conflict," Gilligan says. Suddenly, you may need to be in constant contact. "And the
reality for most families is that it's never going to be equal," she says. One way to
reduce conflict is to set up a daily text or weekly FaceTIme call to make a plan and
get on the same page. Being proactive in anticipating needs can help with planning
and reduce stress.