Dear Uday Sood,

I am not sure if i should write this and send it you.They say you should write these
kind of letters and burn them, well i have burned a few and hope it is alright to send
it to you.

Before I start, I am OK when i am writing this, if the thought arises.I am not happy
or sad or overwhelmed although i may be selfish to think that i need to get it off of
my chest and share it with you.This is not that kind of thing that i do/have done
when i am drunk out of my wits and blurts out unprepared,disorganised thoughts
and share my " pains" or when i suddenly appears to overflow by " love" and cant
keep it to myself.

This letter can come out like i am just making excuses and i think i am making them
partially but i hope in the end it will be clear as to why i am writing this.

First, I want to talk about the night when you came to delhi last time.It, the talk,
shouldn't have came out like that,not in the words it came and as a shock to you.I
do have developed a thing for presenting myself and thinking of myself as a victim.i
wont say that i enjoy that or i get a satisfaction in it but it feels like now i have an
excuse for how i have been.like i try to make my past responsible, try to make
others in past responsible for my scenario and in present demand others for
care,attention without thinking and doing the same for them.

Also i said one thing which was not true at that time.firstly paedophile and child
sexual abusser are different things, a paedophile is born with it while some of the
children not all who have went through the trauma end up doing the same when
they become older, in the sense of taking back the control they have the feeling
they lost.luckily i have never feared like becoming one but as i have read that it
happens so at that time i guess i added it to being victim story, as more screwed up
the story the better it sounds.

secondly,our kasol trip.I get that you were angry and frustrated.you just didn't
wanted to go there with all of us as was your right to be,to go who you want to go
with,who you spend your time with.you did have all the say in it.You did said it to
me clearly but it was almost like i didn't even hear.I can do that,packing things
away, not give attention to something which contradicts my made up beliefs.Unhear
it,unsee it.

One thing that surprises me the most is how can i have so low image of myself at
that time and still have an obsession for being absolute great in a field preferably
the field which has been romantisised the most.Maybe it was a fantasy i developed
to cope with the shame and trauma early in my childhood or maybe thought that i
would not find acceptance among my coalegue if i have been anything less than
that or maybe it was just to impress others and overcompansating my image in
their heads which i was so insecure about, at very least.
One thing that kind of have been stuck with me since it happened is when we were
drinking in hostel and i said to deepika in front of you that 'how she is different than
you'.It was wrong for me to say that.who was i to comment such.When i think of the
reason to it,maybe it was just a cliche i had heard that how two different
personality can complement each other.I said similar kind of thing many times to
different people,maybe it was just judging others which i did many times.

I was sometime nosy in your relationship with deepika and sometime it was badluck
and sometime it was misintrepretation also.Like when you came to my room in
saket in your last day of going back to US and gargi asked you " ki tere ghar walon
ko pata hai kya tumhare baare main" and you both looked to me like i have told him
but i didn't, as far as i remember.

The song that i send to you named " i see a darkness" it was not a cry for help as
can be understood by the lyrics.i cried whilst i listened to it and thought sending it
you as saying i didn't cried that night as anyone should have, as you did cried but i
have today.

Lastly, when i come to facebook and see any of you,deepika and jyoti or anyone
from college, i cant help but think about all of this and take shame where i even
shouldn't and spend time revisiting it.for some time now i feel like i should be
alone,talking less with anyone as i am too self concious, think too much about what
i say and how can it be interepreted,agree with others just out of fear of have to
disagree with them and still end up feeling that i said something wrong and not
getting past any of this.

I dint wanted to just disappear after involving you so much.I am sorry if sound too
selfish and self obsessed if say that i would like to talk as less as possible ,come in
contact with anyone as less as possible for some time.on the hand i will also try to
stand firm on all i have said.