Luxury Problems

__________________________

A musical

By Charley Raiff

Contact:
9173784485
connect@Tuner-music.com
 Cast of Characters
(in order of appearance)
Caitlyn: Cindy's fiercely loyal friend from their Colorado childhood,
known for her proud and supportive nature.

Davis: The flamboyant and humorous best friend of both Caitlyn and
Cindy, adding a light-hearted touch to the group.

Cindy: An ambitious newcomer to New York, fresh from a small town and
filled with dreams of making it big in the bustling city.

Jeffrey Tracey: A charismatic entrepreneur and media personality, whose

success story inspires others but hides a self-absorbed
personality.

Sam: The indifferent owner and manager of a local coffee shop,

providing a contrast to the city's fast-paced environment.

Gemma: Head of office at Jeffrey's company, professional and

straightforward in her dealings.

Manny: An ambitious young doorman with dreams of social mobility by

working hard to make a positive impression on his upscale
clientele.

Fab: A witty and light-footed receptionist at Jeffrey's office

building, often the comic relief at the workplace.

Chris: A sensitive and serious co-worker of FAB at the reception desk,

offers a grounded perspective amid workplace antics.

Jessica: A newly divorced mother struggling to adapt to New York's

elite social circles while raising her moody son, Winston.

Winston: Jessica’s adolescent son, grappling with his mother’s high

societal ambitions and his own teenage angst.

Cecilia: An eccentric and wealthy socialite, Jessica's neighbor who

loves to play the role of an upper-class mentor.

Bernadette: Cecilia’s friend; savvy and stable, often the voice of

reason in the midst of high-society dramas.

Margaret: A representative of old-money New York, understated yet

passively aggressive, part of Cecilia's inner circle.

Sharon: A boisterous new-money socialite, known for her loud and flashy
demeanor, adding color to the socialite group.

Nervous Guy, Patron, Wise Woman, Coffee Shop Patron(s), Gala-Goers,

Tracey Employees, Homeless Men: Supporting characters that
reflect the diverse fabric of New York City life.
Creepy Guy: Adds a moment of discomfort, highlighting the city’s darker
undertones.
 SETTINGS

Cindy's Bedroom: A cozy, small rental apartment in Manhattan, adorned

with motivational quotes and sunny decorations that reflect Cindy's
optimism about her new life in the city.

NY Sidewalk Scene - Hell's Kitchen: A gritty, bustling urban street in

Hell's Kitchen, capturing the neighborhood's raw energy and diverse
population.

NY Sidewalk Scene - Coffee Shop: The front of a trendy New York coffee
shop, a hub of morning activity with a mix of hurried commuters and
leisurely locals.

NY Sidewalk Scene - Midtown Business District: A polished, corporate

atmosphere dominates this part of Midtown, with skyscrapers and the
hurried pace of business professionals.

The Big Office Lobby: An imposing and luxurious lobby of a major

business building, reflecting success and power, where first
impressions matter.

Tracey's Office: A high-end, meticulously organized office that speaks

volumes of Jeffrey Tracey's success and personal branding.

NY Sidewalk Scene - Park Avenue, Upper East Side: An upscale

residential street lined with historic buildings, reflecting old money
and quiet exclusivity.

362 Park Ave Lobby: The grand entrance to a prestigious residential

building on Park Avenue, showcasing opulence and a gateway to the lives
of the elite.

Coffee Shop Interior: A comfortable and slightly worn interior that

serves as a local sanctuary from the city's relentless pace.

Jessica and Winston's Apartment: A newly occupied upscale apartment,

stylish yet not fully settled into, mirroring Jessica's transitional
phase in life.

Frau Damme Fashion: A high-end boutique with a sleek, modern design

that caters to the fashion-forward elite of New York.

Upscale Restaurant: An elegant dining venue favored by the city's upper

crust, where decor and clientele scream sophistication.
 NOTES ON ACT 1 / Synopsis

“What is a good way to feel like you’ve made it?

Why not move to a place where if you make it there, you make it
anywhere?”
- Some Guy, last century

Cindy just moved to New York City from a small town in Colorado
for a shot at a flashy business. Raring to go, she knocks into
someone on the street her first day, her boss, Jeffrey Tracey.
As much an everyman hero as an egomaniac, Tracey just brags of
his successful new memoir of his journey in achieving the
American Dream. Inspired by the book, Manny, a doorman in
Tracey's office building, plots to get himself an "in" with him
at Tracey's home address by working in his residential building
on Park Avenue.

Inside the posh building also lives Jessica and her teenage son
Winston, who are dealing with settling into NY high society as a
family after divorce. As Jessica stresses about getting her son
in the best possible private school, their neighbor, Cecilia, an
heiress and expert fundraiser, extends an olive branch by
helping Jessica make some connections.

While Cindy struggles to keep up her enthusiasm at her new job

as assistant, at her boss's home, Manny's earnest attempt to
impress his hero, Jeffrey, leads to an embarrassing mishap.
Winston and Manny connect in their frustration, while Manny
helps Winston see the forest through the trees, Winston sees a
family grow around him with Manny.

Meanwhile, after bumping into Cecilia shopping, Jessica looks to

have lunch, while Cecilia sees a fun "project" to work on.
There, amidst the common gossip of lunch with her compatriots,
she professes the power of hosting fundraisers as a means to
establishing yourself in New York society.

Looking over the cliff of this gala, we wonder if everyone's

plans will come off, and if so, will everyone be happy with the
result? Will Winston or Manny change their lives, or themselves?
Does Cindy like the life she was excited for?
 "Luxury Problems" 1.

ACT I

CINDY’S ROOM, A SMALL RENTAL APARTMENT IN MANHATTAN, 2010’S

CINDY’s tidy bedroom is strewn with sunny decor and

motivational quotes strewn around the walls with a big
“You’re A Winner” sticker on the mirror.

In another part of the set, is a fading blue barista bar next

to a garbage can and some blankets, suggesting a city about
to come to life.

CINDY's cell phone rings with a comically optimistic tune.

Eyes half-open, she picks up and plays a voice message.

CAITLYN
Babe
(Loud background noise in the message of being at a party)

Hahahahaha, yo!
Wait am I calling her?

DAVIS
Is that Cin? Hi Cin!
(Sounds of breaking and rummaging.)
Ow!

CINDY bolts upright in bed, startled

CAITLYN tries to grab back the phone

CAITLYN
(clearly exaggerating, knowing her
behavior will get a rise)

Oh, gosh, stop being so dramatic.

DAVIS
You stepped on my toe, you ass munch! That
hurt!

CAITLYN laughs

DAVIS (CONT’D)
Ugh, anyway... not missing anything, clearly!

Scoffs

(collecting himself)
You are a queen, a star, everything in
between...
 "Luxury Problems" 2.

CAITLYN
Believe it sister. And text me!

DAVIS
She’s gonna be out at brunch or something!

The sound of the phone being set down is heard, as they doubt
she'll listen to the end of the message.

CAITLYN
(in the background, mockingly)
Having a Caesar salad
Sauvignon Blanc!

DAVIS
(playing along)
Oh yes, no anchovies!

They giggle

DAVIS
OK, oh... just hang up.

CAITLYN cackles loudly as she hangs up.

CINDY rolls her eyes and giggles a bit.

CINDY
(laughing)
So DUMB! Ha!
Oh! Eggplant emoji! Classic!

Laughs cringe-worthily

A smiling CINDY opens the window. Sounds of a bustling New

York City. She inhales deeply and sighs.

“Now in New York”

CINDY (CONT’D)
MY APARTMENT’S GREAT AND I LOVE EVERYTHING HERE THE WAY IT IS
MY LIFE IS SO DANG BEAUTIFUL
AND I CAN’T WAIT TO EXPLORE IT...
MORE!
AND THERE’S ONE THING I’VE ALWAYS WANTED
 "Luxury Problems" 3.

IT’S THE THING I GOT!

8 MILLION PEOPLE
AND THIS IS IS JUST THE START
NOW, IN NEW YORK!!

CINDY walks cheerily in contrast to the city people about her

and greets people and they appear confused

I JUST MOVED FROM MIDWEST USA!

AND I KNOW THERE’S SOMETHING GREAT AROUND THE CORNER OF MY
BLOCK

CREEPY GUY cat-calls her as she steps outside

CINDY (CONT’D)
(looking out the door)
JUST A GUY GUY GOING BY!
GIVING ME THE EYE!!!
(braggingly)
I GUESS WITH THIS HAIR YOU’D HAVE TO BE BLIND!
(waves on out the door)
A THOUSAND NEW THINGS ON MY PLATE,
I CAN’T WAIT FOR MY FIRST DATE NIGHT
IN NEW YORK
NOW IN NEW YORK!!!

CINDY leaves her apartment

MEANWHILE, DOWN THE STREET

SAMBUX, A POPULAR COFFEE SHOP, BUSY MORNING.

People look annoyed as they wait in the line for their order

JEFFREY TRACEY waits at counter, looking displeased,

singaling to SAM the manager and owner as the competitive
order pick-up horde assembles

It seems hectic but the main barista seems indifferent while

someone hurriedly works on making espresso

JEFFREY
Let’s go! Sam I hate to do this to ya bud, I
got meetings all morning though, new secretary,
I need my grandissimo mochaalata.
(frustratedly)

COFFEE HORDE
MOCHA CHACA LATAA!!!!!!!

The COFFEE HORDE become cartoonishly zombie-like, making

desirous sounds as they cling to a chance to get their fix.
 "Luxury Problems" 4.

JEFFREY

COFFEE
WE WANT OUR COFFEE

NERVOUS MAN
I NEED MY COFFEE
PL---EEEEAAAASSE

JEFFREY

Thanks again, Sam!

NERVOUS MAN
Sir I ordered before you,
Can I speak to the manager?!?

SAM
(carelessly)
Yup. You’re lookin at him

NERVOUS MAN
(to Audience)
Arrrggghh!

MANNY
MAYBE I CAN FIND SOMEWHERE FOR RELIEF

NERVOUS MAN
Well it’s not here!

BARISTA
EVIDENTLY
CINDY is strolling down the street with
her headphones

PATRON
JUST WANT MY COFFEE TO GO

CINDY
(to audience)
Looking over at the crowd of unhappy customers,
there’s just no reason to be annoyed!

WISE WOMAN
Honey, get used to it, this is your typical
Manhattan morning.

ALL + COMPANY
WELCOME, WELCOME TO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
WELCOME TO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
NOW
IN NEW YORK!

CINDY
THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS
 "Luxury Problems" 5.

HOMELESS PERSON 1
UNLESS YOUR HOMELESS

HOMELESS PERSON 2
JOBLESS

WISE GUY
WATCHIN’ PEOPLE BUY SEVEN DOLLAR HOT DOGS IN TIMES SQUARE

CINDY + COMPANY
(everyone feels differently, Cindy
starting to contemplate reality a bit)
BUT... NEW YORK CITY!!!!

A BIG OFFICE LOBBY, BUILDING NEAR JEFFREY TRACEY’S OFFICE,

MIDTOWN MANHATTAN

“Doormen” give tired, but polite acknowledgments of the

people coming and going. CHRIS sits and pressed a button for
turnstile access. People hustle and bustle through, and MANNY
arrives bringing Chris and FAB coffee.

CINDY bumps into JEFFREY as she seems in her head about the
new frenetic city environment. JEFFREY’s belongings,
including coffee, are knocked from his hands onto the floor
and himself.

JEFFREY
Ooofff, fumble!!!

CINDY
(frantically picking up papers)
Oh my god, I’m so sorry.

JEFFREY
I’m fine, I’m fine. Coffee’s a bit hot, so, be
careful.

CINDY
Ooo Dear... Oh, Mr Tracy!

JEFFREY looks nonchalant like he’s meeting another fan.

CINDY (CONT’D)
I do recognize you from your book cover! I’m
actually your new secretary, I don’t know if
they told you!

JEFFREY
(phonily stoic)
Of course! First day fumbles. Right. Of course
I know we were getting someone new... And I
guess that’s you...
(MORE)
 "Luxury Problems" 6.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
(breaking)
SO then you can call me Jeffrey.

NERVOUS MAN

Storms by, still pissed about

JEFFREY cutting line
Who gives a shit!?

Stomps and turns around

Ass hole!!

JEFFREY
(scoffingly)
Probably from marketing. We just fired half
that team. Cutting into our margins, anyway,
East Hampton has gotten expensive! BUT: Tough
decisions.

CINDY
(extending hand)
I’m really sorry again, I promise I didn’t lie
about that on my resume, I am organized

JEFFREY
(flustered now)
You’d hope... Well we’re going to the same
place

They get into elevator in office building

COMPANY
NEW YORK,
NEW YORK

MANNY gazes off into the distance earnestly.

MANNY
WATCHING ALWAYS WATCHING THE WORLD
IT PASSES
SLOW DOWN DOW-OW-OW-OWN
WATCHING ALWAYS WATCHING THE WORLD
THEY ALL PASS ME BY
SLOW DOW-OW-OW-OWN

COMPANY
SLOW DOWN
DOW-OW-OWN
 "Luxury Problems" 7.

The NY scene opens back up as we

see more action from the different
places, including a moving van
pulling up somewhere JESSICA and
WINSTON

MANNY
EVEN ME,
WHEN I TRY TO HOLD ON
SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE I’M LOSING MY GRASP.

WALTER CINDY + COMPANY

‘JUST STAY AND KEEP GRINDING’ TRY TO HOLD ON
TRY TO HOLD ON...

MANNY
SOMEDAY I’LL HAVE A LAWN

BEGGAR CHRIS
SOMEDAY I’LL HAVE A JOB SOMETHING I OWN

COMPANY NERVOUS MAN

SOMEDAY SOMEDAY, I’LL FIND SOMEONE TO
LEAN ON

FAB
WE CAN ONLY DREAM

MANNY
ONE DAY WHEN I GET REAL MONEY

JEFFREY BARISTA + CHRIS

(admiring himself) GREENER PASTURES!
ONE DAY WHEN WE’LL HAVE IT
ALL

CINDY + COMPANY
GREENER PASTURES IN NEW YORK

COMPANY
GREENER PASTURES IN NEW YORK
NOW IN NEW YORK
NEW YORK!

AT THE LOBBY, RECEPTION DESK.

CHRIS and FAB are at the desk screwing off a bit, and Manny
has a book open. The morning rush has quieted down.

FAB
Pssst...
Manny. Yo Manny
 "Luxury Problems" 8.

MANNY
I’m reading.

FAB
Hey Man, just because it’s your last day
doesn’t mean you don’t do your job...

MANNY
The pot calling the kettle black, really...

FAB
That’s racist. And I heard you say that before!
You think your fancy sayings are gonna work on
me?

MANNY shakes his head

MANNY
Well aren’t you lucky I’m leaving, then.

FAB + CHRIS
(mockingly)
Whhhhaaaat?!

CHRIS
Pffft

Rolls eyes

FAB
Yo, so, but seriously, they tell you where you
going?

MANNY
Probably somewhere even busier than this lobby.
Mind your business.

MANNY shows CHRIS only

CHRIS
A residential building on the upper east side?
Really?

FAB
Lemme see!

Grabs phone

Seriously, that’s where you going?!

MANNY
Park Avenue
 "Luxury Problems" 9.

CHRIS
Pfft

MANNY
You realize you guys they sent out all this
information on the memo like weeks ago... FAB.
Look see how easy it is.

Looks down and motions ‘line by

line’ reading
Eh?

Does the motion again

sarcastically
Eh? Ta.... Da!

CHRIS
I never read that shit

FAB
(mockingly)
Wow I’m Manny I’m so intelligent, I went to
community college!! Dumb Ass...

CHRIS laughs
(CONT’D)
You think the upper east side is gonna think
you’re as annoying as we do?

CHRIS
And full of shit! Don’t forget that!

FAB
Tell ya what, they’re gonna know he’s actually
kind of a loser. Sorry dude!

CHRIS
Oh that has been confirmed.

FAB

Ding
... firmed!

MANNY
(in retort)
I’ve even heard its just 15 apartments in the
building. . .

CHRIS
You gotta be kidding! That’s like, how many
people just pass!?
"Luxury Problems" 10.

FAB
(imitating Reality show, mockingly)
Look it’s me, MANNY from, the Real Doormen of
New York, yes-- I had a reservation for a lobby
for one! Yes, the residential suite! I even
brought my book!

CHRIS
(entertained)
What a fuckin nerd though!

MANNY
(embarrassed)
It only took one request, guys.
Amazing what not being a little tv watching
shit will do for your life. The sea change is
here, folks! No more Mr. Nice Guy at some desk
people don’t even look at! I’m figuring this
shit out!

CHRIS
(waving his phone)
Hey! What you don’t have followers?

FAB
I got lots of followers.

MANNY
Metaphorically speaking

FAB
Who are you calling metaphorical?

MANNY
They’re not following you, dummy. They’re just
bored looking at their phone.

FAB
(laughing)
OK, fine. Well I guess we’re all just peons
living in Manny’s world.

MANNY
It’s about taking action guys, like Jeffrey
Tracey says all the time.

CHRIS
(annoyed)
I can’t stand that ass hole.

MANNY
Don’t knock inspiration... Oh and guess where
he lives?
 "Luxury Problems" 11.

FAB
Haha, he’s going to burst into song... Isn’t he

Chris grabs book from Manny...

CHRIS
(to FAB)
Look how white his teeth are how do they get em
like that...

CHRIS pulls out his phone to check

his own

FAB
Veneers. Porcelain! 5k a tooth, I’ve heard.

CHRIS
Jesus...

FAB
That’s gonna be you one day Manny. Gonna be
you!

They are mocking the confident

pose with the arms crossed and big
smile

FAB gives him props, slapping his

hand and they laugh loudly

MANNY
(embarrassed)
Laugh it up while you still can...
while you still can... Once I meet him and say
“Mr. Tracey, I’ve come to work here
specifically to work under you!”

CHRIS
Oh I bet you’d like to work under him!
FAB laughs

MANNY
He’ll see, cause he wants people like me
working with him. People who get it. The
struggle, what it’s like ...

MANNY
SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER
I NEVER HAD CHOICES, DID WHAT WAS SAFER
NOW I’M DAMN WORN DOWN
MAYBE I CAN GET OUT...
 "Luxury Problems" 12.

NOW A BIT OLDER

KNOW A THING OR TWO
I ALWAYS KNEW I’D GET OUT OF BEING STUCK
WHEN I STARTED READING, A BOOK BY A GREAT MAN:
JEFFREY TRACEY!

GONNA MEET THE MAN BEHIND THE

BIBLE,
THIS TELLS YA HOW TO BE A STAR
NOT JUST A PROP
TELLIN’ ME ALL THE THINGS I NEED TO KNOW!

COMPANY
TELL HIM WHAT HE NEEDS, TO KNOW!!!

MANNY COMPANY (CONT’D)

LET ME TELL YOU BOUT MY LIFE LET ME TELL YOU BOUT MY...

MANNY (CONT’D) FAB + CHRIS

LET ME TELL YOU BOUT MY LIFE! SHITTY LITTLE LIFE

MANNY (CONT’D)
THAT I WILL MAKE BETTER!

Mocking continues

MANNY (CONT’D)
SINGLE MOM OF THREE IN A THREE ROOM APARTMENT
DAD LIKED DRUGS MORE THAN US
LEFT ALL UNIMPORTANT
MOM BARELY SCRAPING BY
AND I WAS TOLD
WELL, IT DOESN’T MATTER
ONE DAY JESUS WILL COME SAVE US

BUT OUR MESSIAH

ENDED UP BEING THE STATE
MY MOM’S INSTITUTIONALIZED NOW
CAN’T WAIT FOR THE PEARLY GATES

FINALLY HAVE A CHANGE OF PACE

SOMETHING TO HELP ME TURN THE PAGE
WITH THIS TOME
I’LL FIND MY NEW HOME
TELLIN’ ME,
IT’S EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW!

SO JUST IMAGINE YOU’RE NOT JUST A DOORMAN

WORKING IN MANHATTAN

FAB, CHRIS
BUT YOU ARE
What a loser
 "Luxury Problems" 13.

MANNY

JEFFREY WRITES: TO BUILD SOMETHING GREAT

YOU GOTTA HAVE SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE AROUND YOU!
AND WHAT BETTER WAY
THAN TO GO THE SOURCE
SOMEBODY LIKE HIM HE’LL GET TO ENDORSE!

AND HE’LL SAY ANOTHER SMART GUY!

WHO GOT DEALT A BAD HAND!
WHY NOT GIVE IT A TRY?

I’LL GIVE IT A TRY!

CAUSE WHAT DO I GOTTA LOSE?
I’LL GIVE IT A TRY
CAUSE WHAT DO I GOTTA LOSE?

MANNY (CONT’D) COMPANY

LET ME TELL YOU BOUT MY LIFE LET ME TELL YOU BOUT MY...

MANNY (CONT’D)
LET ME TELL YOU BOUT MY LIFE

MANNY (CONT’D)
AND THEN, NO LONGER A LONELY SOUL
SOMEONE WITH THE SAME GOALS...
CAUSE I GOT SO MANY OF THEM
MANY OF THEM

FAB
Like what?!

MANNY
GET RICH GET A HOUSE
GET A FAMILY WHO NEEDS ME
GET A WIFE GET A LIFE
GET A LIFE!

MANNY (CONT’D) COMPANY

YES HE WILL
YESS HE WILL
AND YES I WILL

MANNY (CONT’D)
YES I WILL

COMPANY
GET IT MANNY GET IT
GET IT MANNY
 "Luxury Problems" 14.

Manny gets his “life” in statue form and holds it up like a

trophy

MANNY
AND NO ONE, GETS IN THE WAY OF MY NEW
LIFE

MANNY (CONT’D)
LET ME TELL YOU BOUT MY LIFE!
LET ME TELL YOU BOUT MY

FAB AND CHRIS

Shitty little!

MANNY
LIFE!

MANNY EXITS TO THE STREETS OF

PARK AVENUE

PARK AVE DOORMAN

Welcome. Welcome!

PARK AVE DOORMAN 2

Welcome to

COMPANY
PARK AVENUE....
 "Luxury Problems" 15.

JESSICA’S NEW APARTMENT, AND IT’S STATELY HALLWAY, UPPER EAST

SIDE, MOVE IN DAY

MOVERS unpack boxes and furniture in a modern urban

apartment.
JESSICA, the taskmaster, directs the movers with efficiency,
ensuring every piece finds its proper place.
WALTER helps to escort the movers through the hallway. He
then proceed into the apartment to help.

Meanwhile, her teenage son WINSTON sits in a corner, feeling

ignored and annoyed, but happy enough to distract himself. He
plays with a handheld device.

An older woman, CECILIA, debonair in a silk robe makes her

way to the door holding a bottle of champagne as a welcoming
gift to the building’s new tenants.

JESSICA
Here, WALTER. Thanks for that.

Hands an envelope

WALTER
(politely accepting)
Very welcome, and if there’s anything else you
need, I’ll be downstairs. There’s someone new
working today so I might be a little tied up
but should be available.

JESSICA grins, but looks away stressed. She walks over to the
bar to a bottle opened, and almost finished.

Doorbell Rings.

JESSICA
(grunts)
Ugh...
Winston, would you get that?

WINSTON slogs over to the door, upset. Stares at his mom

JESSICA notices the colors are mismatched on the two living

room couches.
 "Luxury Problems" 16.

(gesturing to MOVERS)
No it’s those pillows go on that couch, you
see? Somewhat obviously, yes? Those, are for
the chaise, or are they for the chaise...

CECILIA buzzes quite a few times,

signaling entitlement and
impatience.

Winston looks over to Jessica ignoring him...

WINSTON
(in monotone, as to not expect a reply)
Oh, Hello.

Doorbell rings, again. Cecilia looks increasingly annoyed.

JESSICA
(angry)
Jesus, Winston, can’t you see I’m busy!

WINSTON
(slyly looking at the living room)
...those pillows are for that couch?

WINSTON rolls his eyes and opens

the door with peeved indifference.

CECILIA
(haughtily)
Oh, I didn’t mean to be rude!..
Is Mommy home?.. She is, I know, I can hear her
and see that you’re very busy, I can still hear
her in my apartment.

WINSTON
So sorry, Mom!

(After no response)
Someone brought wine!

JESSICA
(stumbling down the hall)
Oh, wow...

Scurrying to front door, turns

pleasant
Hi!

JESSICA extends hand

 "Luxury Problems" 17.

CECILIA
Oh were we introducing ourselves? I didn’t
realize...
(referring to wine bottle)
thought I was going to have to drop this at the
door mat like a mailman!
(extending hand holding bottle)
Cecilia Vandertramp.

JESSICA
Hi, I’m Jessica... well I’m not sure if I’m
keeping the last name yet

WINSTON cringes and walks further away, focusing on his video

game CECILIA starts to invite herself in

CECILIA
Divorce?

JESSICA
Well, yes.

CECILIA
Everything good is old, JESSICA. Especially
marriages. But... trust funds! The fewer hands
in the honey pot the better, you know. Drama
over generations, better not deal with that
crap!
(walks into apartment entrance)

Son’s a.. nice, handsome young fellow.

JESSICA
Oh.... Thank you....

CECILIA
(referring to the wine)
Anyway, that’s from our family vineyard... And
see, that’s gotten better over the years unlike
my skin. Do you see a wrinkle here?

JESSICA
(pretending not to hear)
What?

CECILIA
My new maid doesn’t see it, but I can’t tell if
she’s just lying to me to keep her job. It’s
like, as if I’m not a nice person!

WINSTON
Maybe that’s just in your head!

JESSICA
Winston, be quiet!
 "Luxury Problems" 18.

WINSTON
Sorry! That was rude...

JESSICA
Are you in the wine business?

CECILIA
Oh, pfft. Wouldn’t call it a business, more
just an excuse for my last husband to have
bought some cheap-ass West Coast real estate
back some 30 years ago. Used to be a Chinese
family there and, I don’t know how much he
paid.

Don’t drink too much. We don’t sell it, but

it’s not cheap for us to just grow grapes. Just
our little way of being generous. We only give
it away.

JESSICA
Incredible.

CECILIA
In any case, I live upstairs if you ever need
anything, sugar, coffee, any sort of comfort,
we are very well stocked. Borrow that
housekeeper for all I care! Honestly, it would
be nice to get your opinion if you think she’s,
yaknow, HONEST.
(like she’s telling a secret)
Ya... know what I mean?

JESSICA nods.

CECILIA (CONT’D)
I don’t know what’s wrong with the world, but
it’d be nice to know what’s going on with Rosa.

CECILIA melodramatically looks like she is pondering the

subject
(CONT’D)

JESSICA
(not sure how to respond)
Oh!.. dear...

CECILIA
Seventh one I’ve been through...
 "Luxury Problems" 19.

JESSICA
Oh... seven...

CECILIA

This year. And she is such a doll!..

CECILIA and JESSICA both feel awkward, but phonily so, in

thei needing to transition the subject back to themselves
(CONT’D)

JESSICA
Well, this was such a thoughtful gift, and so
nice of you to come downstairs anyway! You’re
the first one! And you know, they say everyone
is rude here, standoffish, elitist.

CECILIA
Well it’s rude to even say that. What people
think about New Yorkers isn’t true. I’m sure
they would happily show up at your house
underdressed with no wine, thinking that was
enough?..

CECILIA (CONT’D)
You getting a divorce...

JESSICA
Well yes, how did you know?

CECILIA
First time?

JESSICA
Well yes...
(changing subject)
It’s a lot on top of everything here, this new
school search... such a pain. But its all on me
now!

CECILIA
Oh, school, well, Waverly is the best! My
second husband donated to renovating their new
performing arts building.
(phonily non-chalant)

And don’t even think about it.

JESSICA
It’s a great school. I’m not sure Winny is
really a good...
 "Luxury Problems" 20.

CECILIA
Oh, it’s an easy decision. It’s the best. I
could write a letter of recommendation...
Could easily help put in a word... absolutely.

JESSICA
Oh well, you’d have to let me take you to lunch

CECILIA
(being coy)
Absolutely, we shall discuss

CECILIA gives her a raised eyebrow

with the power to help as JESSICA
asks nervously

CECILIA (CONT’D)
We’ll definitely see what we can do...
neighbor! (exiting in a nonchalant, self-
absorbed manner)

JESSICA Closes door, face drops

Gives a polite wave

JESSICA
(Smiles politely)
(to MOVERS)

Yes and what could the lucky heiress do? What

could they do? No time! So busy out there!

362 Park Avenue Lobby

MANNY walks towards the building,

with a paper from the union in his
hand. City sounds and grand
architecture, a doorman in a crisp
uniform standing at attention,
ushering inside the luxurious
lobby. Patches of garden of the
center of the avenue can be seen
somewhere in the background...

As we see manny get on his way

looking for the building, we see a
family scurrying around their
apartment. A boy is tying his tie
and his parents comb his hair.
 "Luxury Problems" 21.

He puts on his vest with the logo

and blazer, his mother sort of
seems to pull him out the door and
past manny through...

PARK AVENUE DOORMAN 1 PARK AVE DOORMAN 2

WELCOME TO PARK AVENUE WELCOME TO

COMPANY
PARK AV-EN-UE

WALTER
WELCOME TO PARK AVENUE
WHERE THE BUILDING’S GREAT AND THE SKY IS BLUE

MANNY
AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL, AND SO ARE YOU

someone attractive and dressed

with expensive clothes walks by
with a dog

person annoyed
No sorry, not you
PARK AVENUE
What a view!
This is 362? Wow! Nice digs.

WALTER is a senior doorman of the building, and greets the

affluent residents with deferential nods. His demeanor shifts
when not dealing with the high class residents and enjoys
needling the younger less experienced that work alongside
him, relishing his position of authority.

WALTER
(tired)
Can I get you anything? Oh, you’re the new
guy... it’s...

MANNY
(looking around excitedly)
YES SIR AND SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
I’m Manny!

WALTER
To you? [pauses] Everything.

MANNY
(distractedly)
Oh! Haha. Is this a Pre-War building?

WALTER
I don’t know kid I wasn’t in it. Here.

WALTER hands MANNY Binder

 "Luxury Problems" 22.

MANNY
WHAT’S THIS, WHAT’S THIS, WHAT’S THIS?

MANNY turns after being distracted

by the centerpiece of the building

WALTER
(referring to MANNY’s effusiveness)
Let’s settle down here, just profiles on
everyone who lives here. Nothin’ will get you
the boot like insulting these people by not
knowing who they are, trust me. Took me too
long to learn that, and people who don’t are
suggested to go downtown where they’re better
suited. Even on your first day, they are going
to be ruthless. How else you think they got
here?

MANNY
Huh! It’s like a yearbook!

WALTER
(getting increasingly tired of him)
Half this job is listening to when people speak
Mr. Suarez. Learn their names.

MANNY
Wait repeat that last part...

WALTER
This’ll help but, just, listen. Got it?

WALTER (CONT’D)
(reluctantly wanting to get rid of him)
SOME DAYS YOU GET ACCUSED OF STEALING
JUST SHUT UP, SHOW ‘EM YOU’RE LISTENING
MAKE EM FEEL LIKE KINGS...
Thats the job.

EVEN IF YOUR ULCER ACTS UP

GROW UP, SHOW UP
362
PARK AVENUE

COMPANY MANNY
PARK AVENUE! (feeling on guard)
PARK AVENUE
MANNY changes into his uniform.

WALTER
Just don’t act like you have too much of a hard-
on. For me, at least... Jee...

We see Manny go about a day as a doorman, then looking

 "Luxury Problems" 23.

exhausted, bored, and frustrated by the middle.

LIGHTS DIM.

TRACEY OFFICE’S OFFICE, DAYTIME

People type away at their desks, and CINDY, her back to

Tracey’s personal office, looks bored and distressed. You can
see the enthusiasm starting to leave her eyes.

CINDY
(on phone)
Hey...

DAVIS
Hey girl, tell me tell me...

CINDY
YEAH, I GUESS MY APARTMENT IS FINE,
I DON’T REALLY LIKE WHAT I’M DOING YET,
BUT IT’S ONLY BEEN A COUPLE OF WEEKS SO
SNAP OUTTA IT GIRL
(faster)
BACK ON MY FEET,
AND THERES ONE THING I’VE ALWAYS WANTED
IT’S THE THING I GOT
IN NY...

JEFFFREY TRACEY TRACEY EMPLOYEES

No no no! No!

CINDY
(to the tune of New York, New York)
ANYWHERE, IT’S UP TO ME
C.I.N.DEEEEEEEEE

JEFFREY looks more and more annoyed

CINDY hangs up the phone.

CINDY walks over to her desk

JEFFREY slides brazenly onto her

desk coming into view.

CINDY gasps

CINDY (CONT’D)
Ahhh! Oh, gosh. Mr. Tracey you scared me!

JEFFREY
Glad you’re more on your toes now after a bit
of a rocky first two weeks, right, right!?
(MORE)
"Luxury Problems" 24.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
I know I’m right. You know. That was a very
awkward first day!

CINDY
Oh I didn’t realize!

JEFFREY
But it looked like you were enjoying yourself
so
(sarcastically)
That’s good!
You you know, if I wasn’t such a nice man
myself, a progressive individual, forgiving...

EMPLOYEE 1
(nervously)
Understanding!

CINDY
(laughs politely and even more awkwardly)
Yes, it certainly was difficult Mr. Tracey. I
haven’t been on the ball! I’m not used to it,
the pace here, but I’m determined!

After an awkward forced high five, ironically

JEFFREY sighs and gazes out over his office
floor

JEFFREY
You know, I was just never meant to be out
there

CINDY
What?
(realizing her cue to enjoy and be
interested in what he’s saying)
Oh! What is sir?

JEFFREY
You know, it’s important. I know it’s
important, these days... looking good. You
know!?

CINDY
(confused)
Yes...
 "Luxury Problems" 25.

JEFFREY
That’s why I have you. That’s why we have
secretaries for crying out loud! To look better
not to have to school everyone I’m busy
schooling the world!

JEFFREY pretends to hit her but kind of makes a big

energetic, awkward gesture with it.

CINDY
Well sir, that’s one way to think about it,
certainly. A great way, I mean!

JEFFREY
Wanna know the secret?
People don’t really wanna do what it takes to
be in my position. Suffer. Sacrifice.

You wanna be stuck doing, whatever this is,

assistant things, the rest of your life?

CINDY
Well, yes... or, no, sir. I’m not sure

JEFFREY
YOU SHOULD BE AMPLY PREPARED
BUT PREPARE FOR SOME DESPAIR
STARTING OUT
YOU JUST WONT BE MAKING MUCH.
(And as a woman...)

THERE’S IMPORTANT THINGS TO KNOW TO

GET AHEAD.

SO PUT ON A FACE
DON’T FEEL LIKE A DISGRACE!

I STARTED THIS COMPANY

WHEN I WAS TWENTY THREE
WORKED SO HARD
NEVER TOOK A SINGLE VACATION

CINDY
OH YES?

JEFFREY
Now I just go for the kids really.
IT’LL BE A STRUGGLE
A BIT OF A TUSSLE ON YOUR
WAY TO THE TOP!
Unless that’s not something you want
 "Luxury Problems" 26.

CINDY
No it is!

JEFFREY
SO WHY DON’T YOU LEARN THIS PROCEDURE
PAY YOUR DUES LIKE A PARKING METER!
CAUSE YOU HAVE TO FEEL BAD
HAVE TO FEEL BAD TO LOOK GOOD!
HAVE TO FEEL BAD.

I’m sure you’ve noticed, I run a tight ship

around here.

TRACEY EMPLOYEE 1
(smiling desperately)
I wanna kill myself!

TRACEY EMPLOYEE 2
(also smiling desperately)
30 milligrams now of Zoloft

Tracey Employees shuffle in formations in the background

CINDY
Yes, no one can deny it’s impressive, sir.

JEFFREY
Yes! People are just on their A game!
And it’s not because they want to
it’s because they think they need to!

SEE, WHAT MAKES A GOOD BOSS

IS STRIKING FEAR IN THEIR HEARTS!

CINDY looking confused

JEFFREY (CONT’D)
One of these days, you’ll understand
IT PAYS TO PAY ATTENTION
NEVER GET COMPLACENT
DON’T JUST STICK AROUND ANOTHER TEAM PLAYER
CAUSE YOU’RE AN IMPORTANT PERSON!
GO OUT AND GET SOME HATERS

JEFFREY AND TRACEY EMPLOYEES

AND YOU’LL GET YOUR CORNER OFFICE!
 "Luxury Problems" 27.

JEFFREY

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED AND

IT ONLY COMES WITH A BIT OF A PRICE.
So what?

EMPLOYEES with robotic enthusiasm move into other formations

EMPLOYEES
FOR NOW IT’S A NEW CHAPTER
FOR US IT’S A NEW SEASON
OF COURSE WE’RE SO BLESSED
‘CAUSE

JEFFREY
YOU GOTTA FEEL BAD

JEFFREY AND EMPLOYEES

HAVE TO FEEL BAD TO LOOK GOOD

EMPLOYEE 2
Damn Right!

EMPLOYEE 3
An inspiration, sir!

EMPLOYEE 1
This is all very motivating...

JEFFREY leading, the Employees follow and break out into an

enthusiastic, overly-stylized somewhat eager and robotically.
Then they settle into a barbershop quartet formation

JEFFREY AND THE EMPLOYEES

IT’S A LONG JOURNEY
BUT DON’T MAKE SUCH A SCENE
LET’S NOT BE COMPLAINERS ON THE ROAD TO THE
AMERICAN DREAM!

JEFFREY EMPLOYEE 1
CAUSE WE HAVE TO BE! HAVE TO BE!

JEFFREY (CONT’D)
HAVE TO FEEL BAD

EMPLOYEE 1
EMPLOYEE 2 ANXIOUS, DEPRESSED
HAVE TO BE!

JEFFREY
AND EVERYTHING ELSE... YES!
 "Luxury Problems" 28.

JEFFREY (CONT’D)
TO LOOK GOOD!!!
(tossing book to CINDY)
Here have a copy

EXTERIOR PARK AREA AND 362 LOBBY. END OF DAY.

WINSTON sits on a park bench with his device somewhere

outside in the neighborhood. MANNY is working in the lobby
when the phone rings. In the background, we see the various
NY scenes evolve...

MANNY
362 Park, this is Manuel.

JESSICA
(over the phone nervously)
Unbelievable, hi, do you see a young boy down
there?

MANNY
Ah yes, Ms. Craine... No young boy... Well, he
was, he went outside I think, maybe he’s by the
Park down the block...

JESSICA
(drinking)
Would you check or something, I need him up
here! His tutor is going to be here in like,
any second, what time is it now, 430, so... I
think that’s booked for him. You have my
permission to grab him physically if you must.

JESSICA swallows a pill with

martini

MANNY
Right away m’am!
(yells down asking for help)
Alright... Walter? This better be quick...

Manny rushes down the street in a panic. WALTER comes back

having changed out of his work clothes.

WALTER
(swirling a new set of keys around)
Hey Manny!
(MORE)
 "Luxury Problems" 29.
WALTER (CONT’D)
(Upon entering lobby seeing it’s
unattended)
You gotta be kidding me.

We see WINSTON in the park.

WINSTON
I’VE WON
AT LEAST FOR NOW
THEY CAN’T GET ME ANYWAY
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE AT LEAST THE DAY
TILL THEY CATCH ME THIS TIME

THE PERSON THEY THINK I AM IS

NOT THE ONE I WAS MEANT TO BE
AND ONE DAY
I WON’T BE A KID ANYMORE!
OHH AHHH!!

AT THE END OF THIS STREET WHERE I WAS BORN TO BE!

WHEN I’M 18
I’LL BE FINE
I’LL BE WANTED,
DEAD OR ALIVE.

I’LL BE STRONG,
I’LL BE COOL,
I’LL IMPRESS THEM ALL AT SCHOOL

WINSTON sees Manny panting and

starts to jog playfully, but wants
to interact and explain his
feelings to him

CAUSE YOU’LL HAVE TO CHASE ME WAY FURTHER DOWN THE STREET

AND I’LL FINALLY BE WHERE I CAN JUST ROAM FREE
WHEN I’M 18

MANNY
Haha, you remembered! Good for you. Listen they
want you back. Please don’t give me a hard time
man.

WINSTON

WHEN I GET HOME THEY SAY GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM

COMPANY
WINSTON
GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM!

WINSTON
AND GO BACK TO BEING THE HAPPIEST HOUSE ON THE BLOCK
 "Luxury Problems" 30.

COMPANY
HAPPIEST HOUSE ON THE BLOCK!

WINSTON
AND I’LL TRY TO BE LIKE
OH WELL, NOW I DON’T CARE
IS BEIN A KID ALWAYS THIS UNFAIR?

MANNY AND COMPANY

SO UNFAIR!

WINSTON
WHEN I’M 18
I’LL BE FINE
I’LL BE WANTED,
DEAD OR ALIVE
I’LL BE STRONG
I’LL BE COOL
GO TO COLLEGE, AND BE ALRIGHT

‘CAUSE I’LL BE OUTTA HERE

SEND LETTERS
I’LL LET ME KNOW WHEN I GET THE MESSAGE
‘CAUSE I’M BUSY NOW AND
YOU DON’T LIVE
TEXT ME, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT

WELL JESUS!
I DON’T WANNA BE CHEERLESS
I JUST WANNA BE ON MY OWN
JUST WAIT AND SEE
JUST WAIT AND SEE

MANNY comforts him, but also trying to lead him back

WINSTON (CONT’D)
HOW RIGHT IT COULD BE!
HOW RIGHT IT WOULD BE...

WHEN I’M 18
IT’LL BE FINE
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE
BE STRONG AND BE COOL
I’LL IMPRESS THEM ALL AT SCHOOL

CAUSE YOU’D HAVE TO CHASE ME WAY FURTHER DOWN THE STREET

AND I’LL FINALLY BE WHERE I CAN JUST ROAM FREE
WHEN I’M 18

MANNY AND WINSTON walk away with Manny comforting him, and
understanding his teenage feelings of loneliness
 "Luxury Problems" 31.

362 LOBBY

JEFFREY has CINDY help with some of his bags on the way in
MANNY rushes over

MANNY
Oh wait! I got that, Winston I’ll see you
later! Mr. Tracey was it? Hi, I’m the new...

JEFFREY
(out of the side of his mouth)
I’m in a rush so... Can things hurry up

WALTER helps this guy carry JEFFREY’s bags to an elevator as

JEFFREY goes onto the elevator

WALTER
Forget it, you schmuck. Next time maybe I don’t
know, do your job...

MANNY
Sorry I was just trying to help Ms. Craines...

CINDY
(heaving over a bag)
Here ya go

MANNY
(grunting)
Oh yeah, no problem. I’m Manny, it’s actually
my first week so I’m sorry about the mix up.

CINDY
Oh no problem. But I gotta mention that JEFFREY
does have a thing for looking good so, next
time just don’t screw up ok?

(laughing)

welcome to my life!

MANNY
Oh certainly. Well it’s very important, and I
know that being so inspired by someone like Mr.
Tracey, of course. A fantastic book.

CINDY
You think that’s good, you should see, the
musical version. “Have to feel bad to look
good...”

MANNY
Oh you gotta tell me when it comes out

CINDY
NO, for heaven’s sake. I’m only joking!
 "Luxury Problems" 32.

MANNY
Oh I see, well. It was nice meeting you Ms.
Cindy

MANNY is increasingly embarrased

and he rushes back with WINSTON

JEFFREY
(hamming it up with WALTER and the rest of
the lobby)
So nice of you to join us. This is the guy who
abandoned his post here? Haha, talk about a
first day. This other genius ran into me and I
dropped all my papers. Man, it sucks. But, I
get it. I may be the only one who truly truly
get it! First days, right pal?

MANNY
I’m so sorry, Jeffrey, sir. And you’re so
right, about so many things...

MANNY bows his head in reverence.

Big fan, sir.

JEFFREY
Well good! Ah, yes, you can call me Jeffrey!
Jeff even! Maybe you can actually implement my
teachings better, take it from Cindy here, I’m
teaching her my ways...

JEFFREY exits

CINDY stays down with WALTER helping organize the rest of

JEFFREY’s bags

CINDY
Yes, so as far as I can tell, once you make it
to being part of the central team of a company,
next you go on Zoloft and try not to kill
yourself... but at least when you do do it,
you’ll be wearing Salvatore Ferragamo...

MANNY
(discouraged)
Pffft. Beats this kinda suit...

CINDY
Hey, seriously..;

(empathetically)
If you ever need to reach out to someone and
you feel like crap.

Pulls out card

Definitely give me a call...
 "Luxury Problems" 33.

MANNY
Right, Cindy?

CINDY
(handing card)
I literally just got these. My first week.
You’re the first one!

LIGHTS DIM.

FRAU DAMME FASHION SHOP, MADISON AVENUE- DAYTIME

JESSICA is walking down the street and stops into a Madison

Avenue boutique. We see the FLOOR SALESPERSON who is dressed
like a mannequin in shiny leather.

FLOOR SALESPERSON
Hello! Welcome to Frau Damme. Please let me
know if you need anything.

JESSICA
Thanks! Just browsing... Had to get out of the
apartment... kids!

CECILIA appears out of the changing room with a shiny leather

suit identical to SALESPERSON and it’s very young for her.
Nonetheless...

CECILIA
I like it, I LOVE it, but I just think maybe it
makes my cheeks look a little flabby around my
waist what do you think?

(noting Jessica is there now)

Oh hi neighbor, Jennifer?

JESSICA
Hi Cecilia! Jessica Craine, yes. So good to see
you, you know I was just thinking about you
because Winston was telling me how excited he
is for his interview for Waverly next semester
and how badly he wants to go!

CECILIA
(seeming defensive, but kidding)
Well we’ll see. From what I understand, Waverly
has a policy they go back and look at your pre
school block tests to see if they are sub-
standard. Make sure that paperwork is in
order...

An awkward moment passes as Cecilia waits for them to get the

 "Luxury Problems" 34.

joke. FLOOR SALESPERSON laughs audibly and smiles

CECILIA (CONT’D)
I’m kidding, of course! Your son is a shoo in.
I just haven’t had the time to write the letter
yet, but I’m going to.

JESSICA
Where are you off to now?

CECILIA
I have a lunch actually, would you want to
come? Meet the ladies?
(doesn’t pay attention to her response,
keeps looking in the mirror)

JESSICA
Yes I would...

CECILIA
(to FLOOR SALESPERSON)
You know,

I just don’t see it for this gala. It’s a

hospital fundraiser, it’s too bright... But
anyway, maybe good for Palm Beach this
Spring... I’ll take it!

FLOOR SALESPERSON
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! I ring you
right up.

CECILIA
Would you be a dear and send the bags to my
address? I’m at a lunch until 4 maybe and I
just know I will be too exhausted to remember
to pick them up

FLOOR SALESPERSON

Certainly, Ms. Vandetramp.

CECILIA
Jessica, let’s go.

CECILIA and JESSICA walk towards a chauffeur waiting to open

the door for them, they sit inside the car

I already told the ladies about my new young

cool Californian neighbor. I say young as you
are under 60.

JESSICA
Haha, I’ll take it!
 "Luxury Problems" 35.

CECILIA
Daniel, doesn’t she look hot? Tell me if you
were single you wouldn’t be interested

CHAUFFEUR
Oh mamma mia, if only Ms. Vandetramp.

CECILIA
I have to tell you. This place we’re going to
used to be great but it has really gone
downhill recently. We’ll see if they serve cold
chicken parmesan still.

Daniel, do you like cold chicken parmesan for

$55 might I add?

CHAUFFEUR
Ridiculous madam! So so useless...

JESSICA
You know, I really won’t be able to stay too
long. I try to keep the family dinners alive
still!

CECILIA
Daniel?

CHAUFFEUR
Not a problem I can grab him and drop him off
while you are finishing dessert I’m sure.

JESSICA
Dessert? At lunch? Oh that’s not necessary.

CECILIA
I’m old, Jessica. Don’t deprive an old woman of
her chocolate mousse.

CECILIA (CONT’D)
Come along.

The door rings as they exit.

COFFEE SHOP- LATE AFTERNOON

MANNY is seen twiddling his thumbs, trying to appear like

he’s doing something as he anxiously awaits CINDY to come in
to join. As she opens the door, MANNY doesn’t notice her,
looking at the wrong entrance and tries to get away with
picking his nose as she taps him on the shoulder.

MANNY
Argh!!
"Luxury Problems" 36.

CINDY
(laughing)
Were you picking your nose!?

MANNY
Oh my god, you scared the heck out of me..!

Looks down in shame

CINDY

Picks his head up

Hey, don’t sweat it champ. I’m sorry, all day
with these knuckleheads, I gotta shift gears.
It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date.

MANNY
A date!? Hahaha, right. That’s, well...

CINDY
I know that’s not what you had in mind, you
called and said you wanted to pick my brain...
I guess I assumed it was a date.

MANNY
No I mean, you’re very pretty.

CINDY
Thank you.

MANNY
But, I just... well I thought I could ask you
some questions about Mr. Tracey?

CINDY
You actually wanna know about him?

MANNY
No I mean, I just, wanted to make a good
impression is all really... Since I started
working there, I thought I might be able to
learn about what you guys do there.

CINDY
Wait, so, you think Mr. Tracey is for real?

MANNY
What do you mean?

CINDY
I mean, c’mon, you think he’s actually rags to
riches?
"Luxury Problems" 37.

MANNY
Why what do you mean? I thought he used to
work...

CINDY
Yeah that he used to work as a doorman right?
He did but it was only a job he got when he
quit drinking.

MANNY
But I thought he said he was from the Bronx...

CINDY
Yeah, Riverdale! C’mon, seriously?

MANNY
(Trembling)
I guess I feel betrayed... I just really looked
up to the guy... I thought I could work with
him and he’d take me under his wing...

CINDY
Wait, that’s why you transferred to the
fbuilding isn’t it?

MANNY
No it’s not like that!

CINDY
(cackling)
Oh my gosh! And wouldn’t you be the luckiest
duck! Please, I’d love to switch places at this
point. I’ve only been there a month I feel like
I caught a disease or something... tired,
grouchy all the time.

I just wanna make enough money so I can do what

I’ve always wanted to do...

MANNY
What is that...

CINDY
Honestly, I mean, this is probably way down the
road... but like, it’s stupid. I don’t wanna
say!

MANNY
No c’mon... You just heard my crap, lets hear
yours!

CINDY
It’s silly, but, I don’t think I was meant for
the city lifestyle after all.
 "Luxury Problems" 38.

MANNY
You... just are seeing this?

CINDY
No, I mean, I came here for a job and while I
was at it, figured I can meet some cool people
and then one day, we could just bust out you
know!

MANNY
Why would you wanna bust out? This is the
greatest city in the world...

CINDY
Expensive, loud, overpriced...

MANNY
I mean, maybe in this borough.

CINDY
Well, what’s the difference...
I’ll tell ya...

CINDY (CONT’D)
I’D BE FINE, WITH A
BAKERY IN STAMFORD,
ME AND A LITTLE DOG.

MANNY
A bakery?

CINDY
Mmhmmm.

WORKING WITH MY HANDS

WAITING FOR THINGS TO FINISH BAKING

THEN THE WHOLE TOWN COMES TO

THE BAKERY IN STAMFORD
WITH CAKES AND LITTLE JELLY THINGS
AND WHEN I WAKE UP
I’M TIRED WANT OUT OF THE

CITY
IT’S LOUD AND EVEN MORE ANNOYING
THAN A LITTLE PUP COULD EVER BE...

EVEN IF THAT PUP WOULDN’T STOP PEEING

ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND THE FURNITURE,
CAUSE JUST LOOK AT HER...

AND WE DON’T SPANK HER AND TELL HER OFF

CAUSE SHE’S JUST A DOG
 "Luxury Problems" 39.

THE WORKS IMPORTANT BUT

I WANT IT TO BE IMPORTANT TO ME...

MANNY
Good luck there!
Honestly, it sounds great, I just don’t think
you appreciate what you have now! To me,
anyway.

CINDY
Could say the same to you...

MANNY
You went to a good college and crap, you think
that’s just for nothing?

CINDY
Yeah what... I’m

DROWNING IN STUDENT DEBT

TO HAVE A JOB I HATE NOW
STILL LISTEN TO LECTURES
ON GOING SOME DIRECTION
BUT WE COULD GET WHAT WE NEED
IN A SIMPLER FASHION...

AND WHAT I GET LESS DEBT BUT

I FEEL AS BROKE AS COULD BE...
YEAH IT ALL LOOKS GOOD TO YOU, MAYBE
BUT IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD TO ME...

MANNY
Oh c’mon, No, its starting to make sense when
you say it like that. I don’t know anyone with
that experience!

CINDY
WELL MAYBE, AT A BAKERY IN STAMFORD
I WOULD FEEL, MORE...

MANNY
A BIT MORE LIKE A HUMAN BEING
BREAKING THROUGH

CINDY
MY OWN GLASS CEILING
AND BECOME THE PERSON I ALWAYS KNEW
I COULD BE!

CINDY (CONT’D)
Great right!?
 "Luxury Problems" 40.

MANNY
No, it’s great...

Leaves cash on the table

Here.

CINDY
I got it... MANNY
(Looks somewhat ashamed)
I gotta go. Shift starts soonmm gotta change.
Thanks.

CINDY (CONT’D)
Wait... I...

MANNY walks away, leaving the coffee shop somewhat

distraught, CINDY looks somewhat confused, realizing that she
maybe didn’t take his feelings into account with her
enthusiasm about her idea.

CINDY (CONT’D)
(on phone)
I just had the most awkward first date.

MANNY

362 PARK AVENUE, LOBBY, AND EXTERIOR

WINSTON is playing game on handheld. MANNY comes in his

normal clothes with his uniform fresh from dry cleaner.

WINSTON
(looking up)
Oh, it’s you, again. What happened now, she
send you to check on me?

MANNY
It’s just the beginning of my shift. Look, I’m
sorry about before.

WINSTON
(nonchalantly)
Yeah I get it. I’m, like, her whole life.

MANNY
You sound pissed about that.

WINSTON
Well yeah, how would you feel...

MANNY
Dude, when I was a teenager, my mom... my mom
was not well. I mean, she didn’t even know
where I went to school, pretty much.
"Luxury Problems" 41.

WINSTON
Sounds like heaven, honestly.

MANNY
Oh, I’m sure it does to you. I’m sure it does.

MANNY yawns

WINSTON
Why you so tired?

MANNY
I just, feel like I got a lot on my plate.

WINSTON
Really? Seems pretty dead down here.

MANNY
Oh, it is. It is. Honestly it’s nice.

WINSTON
This is what it was like all the time. In Palo
Alto. We’d just sit on a bench with our
Switches and that was it.

MANNY
What game you playing?

WINSTON
It’s called Eternal Realm 3.

MANNY
Eternal Realm 3... You said? Huh! So I’m
guessing they didn’t make it there in 1 and 2?

WINSTON
Pfft. Wise ass. No see... you play as a knight
who’s trying to get your family back from
Razgul, the evil eternal emperor, and then you
put on this special armor and weapon so you can
destroy them, but you have to maintain it, and
if you break it you have to start at the
beginning. It’s...

MANNY
Sounds impossible.

WINSTON
No, it’s just really hard. I like it. My life
is a boring joke.

MANNY
Ha, c’mon! You just moved, right? Change is
tough...
 "Luxury Problems" 42.

WINSTON
Yeah, I guess.

MANNY
Well it isn’t easy.

UPSCALE RESTAURANT, MIDTOWN MANHATTAN

CECILIA gets out of a car. We see the exterior, a maitre’d

ready to greet them. Several other ladies of similar age and
circumstance at the front and then they see CECILIA and start
the greetings. They all have roughly the same outfit on.

CECILIA
So nice to see you dolls! All of you.
(waving phone in hand as she goes back to
talking on it)
Oh there’s nothing worse...
Oh it’s horrible. Listen sweetie, I need to go
now I have a doctor’s appointment!

God, he never shuts up. I can’t afford another

divorce right now. Husbands, am I right? Sorry
girls. Oh this is my new young neighbor I was
talking about! Jennifer.

JESSICA
Jessica Craine, how are you all!

BERNADETTE
Hi Jessica. Cecilia has told me so much about
you!

MARGARET
I heard you’re getting a divorce. Lovely!

SHARON
Yes! Mazel Tov!

JESSICA
(awkwardly)
Thank you...

SHARON
So, when did you move in?

JESSICA
About two weeks or so, we are just trying to
wrap up admissions for my son. Fingers crossed
for Waverly...
"Luxury Problems" 43.

SHARON
Well dammit Cecilia, you didn’t offer to write
a letter?

CECILIA
I’m going to! It’s been a little, hectic this
week...

MARGARET
Oh well, I always can to. Both our dears went
there. I mean, eventually once you get on their
radar...

SHARON
It’ll be smooth sailing.

BERNADETTE
Are you involved in much philanthropy Jessica?

JESSICA
Oh yes, loads!.. To the law firm of Beatty,
Schwartz, and Gates!

Laughing profusely

SHARON
Oh I know how it is with husbands. I’m on
number tres honey! Learning Spanish.

MARGARET
That must be so hard.

BERNADETTE
Awful lot of money, hopefully I won’t have to
do another one... Last time Jeffrey got half my
fathers artwork, what a piece of filth...

Coughs, gagging

CECILIA
OK OK,
(to WAITER)
Let’s just get another round of Mimosas please?

JESSICA
Oh yes!

CECILIA
Anyway, you guys Remember Rosa?

SHARON
The Filipino?

BERNADETTE
No... Mexico!
"Luxury Problems" 44.

CECILIA
Whatever, I can’t keep up!

MARGARET
South America! Stick to their food, in my
experience...

CECILIA
Whatever South American! I just say Mexican for
simplicity. Who cares where she’s from

They laugh

JESSICA
Ahh yes! Of course, broad strokes!
(rolling eyes)

MARGARET
Oh you told us about her at the club.

CECILIA

I don’t know. Anyway, we needed to get her

replaced. John’s watch the one with the blue
face, platinum, disappeared, and I’m almost
positive I didn’t put it in the bank...

BERNADETTE
Well if you’re positive.

CECILIA
Yes, no, I am... anyway it’s her replacement.
Who knows where she’s from! She was with us for
4 months.

SHARON
And that’s a record for you Cece!

MARGARET
I remember! Cute girl! Kind of quiet...

MARGARET (CONT’D)
Horrible.

BERNADETTE
I need to take my mind off this stress. Where
are we going this year?

SHARON
I thought we were doing Mykonos!

CECILIA
Not again, my dermatologist says the sun is
dangerous for me.
 "Luxury Problems" 45.

JESSICA
The sun is dangerous...

CECILIA
This type of botox fades too quickly in the
heat...

MARGARET
You said you’d set me up with Dr. Fox and you
never did! Look at these lines on my face! They
are becoming canyons! I’m a crusty old bitch
now!

JESSICA
Oh please, you all are so... gorgeous.

The LADIES gaze back with plastic smiles.

CECILIA
Depressing overall, if we don’t go to a beach
this Christmas... It’s going to be freezing
guys...

SHARON
You can’t blame us toots, we don’t get vitamin
D here like in California!!!

The ladies laugh then drink their

mimosas in a synchronized fashion.

BERNADETTE
So, Jessica.
What did he do?

JESSICA
Who cares?.. No seriously, it was consulting!

CECILIA
I honestly, and I promise I have met many, many
consultants, but I have no idea what the hell
they do.

SHARON
Oh please. No one does!

JESSICA
Yeah, golf and cheat mostly.

LADIES laugh

CECILIA
I think sometimes it’s hard to know how to
spend all that money for companies, for people.
I mean, look at us. Jessica, you must do
charity work?
"Luxury Problems" 46.

JESSICA
Well yes, donations sure.

CECILIA
No but, you... you haven’t been to that many
galas have you?

JESSICA
Well, who has the time with kids?

CECILIA
See, it’s actually important, if you want
Winston to go to places like Waverly, Yale,
whatever... you have to get out there more.

MARGARET
With a check book!

A moment of awkward blankness and

silence

JESSICA
That’s so great. Tell me about that. I don’t
know what to do with this stuff... I mean, it
still isn’t clear what’s mine and is.

CECILIA
It is great work that is to be done, Jennifer.

JESSICA
Jessica

CECILIA
You know Jennifer, mostly what we do is here is
help fundraise.

MARGARET
Yeah, you gotta start thinking ahead.

SHARON
It’s just about after the divorce... take a
little consulting from us about next moves...

BERNADETTE
Yes... Think about your kids

CECILIA
All about the work

BERNADETTE
The work

MARGARET
Impact.
"Luxury Problems" 47.

CECILIA
Mmhmm.

Again, simultaneous drinking.

WAITER brings food

CECILIA (CONT’D)
Waiter, top these off will you.

You know Jessica, have you ever considered

maybe I don’t know, having a little cocktail
party yourself?

MARGARET
Maybe before a gala?

CECILIA
Well just have a gala, I know how much that
apartment is you moved into...

JESSICA
Well, like I said I’m actually in the middle of
a trying time now...

CECILIA
Nonsense

CECILIA (CONT’D)
It’s really, I mean, the way I look at it.
You care about your son, yes?

JESSICA
Of course, more than anything.

CECILIA
He is your family, yes!?

JESSICA
Yes.

CECILIA
Well, Jennifer, you can’t be selfish. It’s
important I think especially, here, we have a
certain class of people who need to feel and
look a certain way.

LADIES
(rumbling in agreement)
Oh yes, yes..

MARGARET
Let me explain...
 "Luxury Problems" 48.

CECILIA
No no, it’s my friend. My neighbor, even, is
that what they’re called in California? Let’s
consult:

“LEGACY”

EVEN WHEN IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

IT ALWAYS CAN BE ABOUT YOU
JUST SHOW UP WITH A BIG CHECK
AND MAKE A BIG IMPRESSION

I REMEMBER WHEN I WROTE MY FIRST CHECK

BERNADETTE starts to write check

SHARON
OH I WOULD ADD A ZERO

CECILIA
AND YOU’LL BE A HERO

MARGARET
It’s really about your,
what’s it called?
oh that’s right

IT’S ABOUT YOUR LEGACY,

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT
LEGACY
PUT A RING ON IT
THINK ABOUT YOUR LEGACY
PUT YOUR BRAIN ON IT
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT
TONIGHT

ALL LADIES get into formation now

YOU KNOW, MY SON DANNY,
DUMB AS A DOORKNOB,

SHARON
HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL
WELL
I SAID LET’S MEET WITH THE SCHOOL BOARD
I’M SURE WE’LL FIND A WAY FORWARD

BERNADETTE
SURE ENOUGH,
THEY PUT HIS NAME ON THE
 "Luxury Problems" 49.

ALL LADIES
LIBRARY

CECILIA AND LADIES

THINK ABOUT YOUR LEGACY!

CECILIA
You’re not getting any younger!

ALL LADIES
LEGACY

MARGARET
Or any wiser

CECILIA AND ALL LADIES

LEGACY!
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT SO
SOME DAY.

BERNADETTE

YOU COULD MAKE THE KIDS PROUD

AND PUT A SMILE ON EVERYONE’S FACE
A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES

MARGARET
DEDICATED TO A NAME

And think what it’d be like to be associated,

WITH SUCH A GREAT BIG PLACE!

COMPANY
AHHHHHH

LIGHTS DIM INTO CABARET LOUNGE-

LIKE ATMOSPHERE

ALL LADIES dance fiercely, strutting, intimidating and

pressuring JESSICA

MARGARET
WELL DANCING LESSONS ARE NO FUN

CECILIA
UNLESS YOU’RE GOING SOMEWHERE HUN
AND WHERE ARE WE GOING

SHARON
FUNDRAISER!
 "Luxury Problems" 50.

BERNADETTE
AND ANOTHER FUNDRAISER

MARGARET
BETTER BE GOOD CHAMPAGNE!

CECILIA
WHAT’S A FEW THOUSAND HERE OR THERE
KEEPS EM ALL IN LINE
ADIEU GOODBYE UNTIL YOU FIND THE
PERFECT CAUSE TO GET BEHIND

MARGARET
AIDS USED TO BE IN

BERNADETTE
NOW IT’S ALL ABOUT CANCER!

SHARON
COVID NURSES WERE ALL THE RAGE

CECILIA
BUT ITS THAT MONEY’S THE ANSWER

A CONTRIBUTION CAN CHANGE YOUR STATUS

FROM UNKNOWN TO TOP DOG
IN A MATTER OF MILLIONS
LOOK HERE’S THE CATALOG

WHATEVER THE CAUSE

THERE IS NO ANALOG
YOU WILL GO DOWN IN THE BOOKS
AS THE GREATEST DONER
WHO EVER BOUGHT THEIR
REPUTATION!

They look to almost corner

JESSICA, turning up the heat

JESSICA
(overwhelmed)
Can we actually take a beat here. Hold on for a
second? I don’t even know what’s going on with
his accounts, like I said there’s a lotta grey
area so I don’t know if i can really pull this
off with the lawyer, and....

LADIES
DON’T BE SILLY
 "Luxury Problems" 51.

CECILIA
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
(leaps up on the table)
YOU KNOW
YOUR HUSBANDS ASSETS AREN’T ALL TIED UP ANYWAY
SO GO TO THE BANK AND SAY
CAN YOU GIVE ME A HAND
CHARITY IMPORTANT
AND THIS IS FOR THE BEST
AND WE CAN SAY HEY
GET FUCKED IRS!

SO GRAB A CAESAR AND A BOTTLE

WE’RE GOING FULL THROTTLE

CECILIA (CONT’D) COMPANY

OOOOO,
I’LL MEET YOU AT THE GALA UPPER EAST SIDE OF MANHATTAN
EVERY INSTITUTION WANTS YOUR MONEY, MUSEUM IT’S YOUR
MONEY LEGACY!!!
EVERY...
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOUR
LEGACY!!!!

CECILIA (CONT’D)
One more time!!! Everybody!

COMPANY
IT’S ABOUT YOUR LEGACY
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT

LEGACY!

CECILIA

NOW YOU’RE A REAL NEW YORK DAME!

COMPANY
TONIGHT!

END OF ACT 1
"Luxury Problems" 52.

ACT 2