Sulkygeek - Melting Glaciers

1/25/2016 FIC: Melting Glaciers [1/12] - sulkygeek fan fic journal: crappy fanfic.
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FIC: Melting Glaciers [1/12] quinn/rachel quinntana rachel
Title: Melting Glaciers rachel/santana santana santana/quinn shelby
sulkygeekff
Author: Sulkygeek
January 16th, 2012
Rating: R
Length: 115,906 words (I KNOW!)
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Spoilers: Through current season 3, episode 7
Summary: This is Faberry, but it ends in Mike/Quinn/Rachel, just FYI. Shelby offers Quinn more time
to spend with Beth if Quinn will convince Rachel to spend more time with Shelby. As time goes by,
Quinn and Rachel's "kind of" friendship morphs into something more romantic. This also incorporates
a prompt from the angst section of the rq_meme: http://rq-meme.livejournal.com/963.html?
thread=260803#t260803 which basically involves Quinn and Rachel at a party, Quinn walking in on
Rachel and an unknown male having sex and misinterpreting that as an act of cheating when it's really
an act of rape. Click under the cut for the full prompt
Quinn/Rachel at a party and Quinn walks in on Rachel and a male character having sex. Quinn is
furious, but doesn't say anything and just leaves, not wanting to say something she regrets. Rachel is
later found, drugged on the side of a highway, still alive, but battered/raped and Quinn is horrified,
grief-stricken, guilty because she could have stopped it and didn't. Even worse, Rachel clings onto
Quinn for support and she was so drugged and disoriented during the crime that she doesn't even
know that Quinn walked in on it and walked away. That does come out, of course, but Rachel is not
angry with Quinn for walking away-- she's relieved because she's worried that Quinn would have been
assaulted as well. She is, however, upset that Quinn thought she could cheat on her. After this
incident, a secret is discovered about Rachel's fathers (they're dead, she just talks about them in the
present tense) And eventually, Rachel finds out about the deal Quinn/Shelby made and things
REALLY go to shit.
Note: This first and sixth chapters have references to a story of only_because3 (It Gets Worse At
Night). She is also the writer of Your Ex-Lover is Dead and she sweetly granted me the honour of
stealing some her words/imagery from "It Gets Worse at Night" which you can read here: http://only-
because3.livejournal.com/7778.html. It's sad and hurty. Please read it because she can do more in
like, 500 words than I can in over 100,000. Also, she's really nice.
Please click under link for further disclaimers
ALSO: I did not incorporate the canon Lucy storyline because I can't figure out why Beth would look
like Quinn does now.
This is very, very dark: warnings for physical and sexual assault
Also, a brief crossover with the L Word's Alice and Helena. Forget about all that Helena in jail shit. In
this story, the Helacious (Alice/Helena) dinghy (TM dreiser has been going strong since L Word
S3. Let's pretend that was further in the past because this story has them much older than they would
be now.
http://sulkygeekff.livejournal.com/89530.html 1/20
Finally, there is a conversation Mike has with Quinn and Rachel and the bulk of that comes from a
song called "The Three of Us" (from the Starlee Kine act of This American Life, Breakups episode)
Chapter 1
Quinn meant it when she replied "kind of" when Rachel commented "we're kind of friends, aren't we?"
She didn't love Rachel the way she loved Brittany and Santana, but she had grown pretty fond of the
brunette. She'd built up a tolerance through so much exposure or something and built antibodies
against Rachel's overwhelming annoyingness. That had to be it, because really, what other
explanation could there be for, God help her, finding Rachel Berry endearing.
When Shelby Corcoran made her an offer-- more time with Beth if Quinn could somehow get Rachel to
spend more time with her, Quinn didn't hesitate to say 'yes,' despite the little voice in the back of her
head urging her to tell Shelby Corcoran to shit twice and die, she'd had her chance with Rachel,
squandered it and there was no reason to hold a relationship with Beth for hostage just because she
had regrets now.
Shelby sheepishly provided some explanations that Quinn frankly didn't care to hear-- since leaving
the teaching post at McKinley, Shelby had no chance to see Rachel, even in passing through the
school halls, and Shelby found herself longing for more contact.
Sure, Quinn was a little curious about Shelby's rationale-- the woman had made it very clear to Rachel
that she didn't want any kind of mother/daughter relationship. There was a part of Quinn that was
outraged Shelby could think she could pick and choose when and when not to get involved in Rachel's
life and she felt the need to protect Rachel from Shelby. But Quinn didn't dwell on that-- all she could
focus on was 'more time with Beth.'
Deep down, she knew she had more in common with Shelby than with Rachel.
She didn't care to hear Shelby uncharacteristically nervous and rambling (in a way that reminded
Quinn of Rachel, so made her more inclined to hear Shelby out), but she listened to Shelby's sad ass
explanations for why she wanted a relationship with Rachel now. "I got to see her, to be around her at
McKinley and now that I don't have that anymore…I miss her very much," Shelby admitted quietly.
Quinn scowled when she heard that because really, if Shelby gave a shit, she could have at least told
Rachel she was leaving McKinley before she did it, but as far as Quinn knew, Shelby never gave
Rachel a heads up.
"You're her friend, aren't you? You could bring her with you when you see Beth. Then you could see
Beth and I could see Rachel."
Quinn would have actually preferred to take Puck with her to see Beth-- he was Beth's father, after all.
But every time she was with him and Beth, her heart ached for what she could have had. She could
have had him and his surprising sweetness and kindness, even if it did come with his tragically terrible
haircut. She could have had him, and they could have had their perfect baby.
Sure, Beth wasn't made with love, but Quinn was sure love would have come along eventually. Puck
offered it all to her-- it was within her grasp, but she ruined it.
"He cried when you gave her away," Brittany once told her in passing, the way Brittany tended to
casually relay things others found momentous.
God, she never knew he cried in front of all of them at the hospital.
Quinn wanted to hate her parents-- if she'd had a more supportive set of parents, she would have
definitely kept Beth.
At least, she tried to tell herself this now that she had to see Shelby and Beth around town. Every time
she saw them, she thought how it should be her hand or leg Beth was clutching, her neck Beth was
burying her little face into. It should be her that Beth was beaming at and calling Mommy.
She tried to discount the fact that the entire time she was pregnant, she resented Beth-- because she
had, really. In the more uncomfortable moments of her pregnancy, she'd privately referred to Beth as
'this fucking baby' as in 'I can't wait until this fucking baby is out of me.' It was never really in her plan
to keep Beth, until the moment she came into the world.
The moment she held Beth, her heart cried out with this longing to have her. When she'd held Beth,
when that small life could have been counted in seconds, Quinn thought about what a terrible person
she was. She thought about how cruel she was to people, how sometimes she enjoyed the looks on
people's faces when she cut them down with just a cruel smirk.
She knew she was awful--a monster, sometimes, but she knew, she had to do right by this child.
Even if she never did another good thing in her life, she knew at that moment that she did a good thing
by listening to her conscience (for once) and not having an abortion and taking responsibility for her
actions.
It could have been so easy-- she could have held onto her outwardly perfect life and no one would
have been the wiser if she'd just had the abortion she actually wanted at first. Granted abortion
conflicted with her religious beliefs, but there were plenty of people who subscribed to a 'the only moral
abortion is my abortion' mentality.
She just wasn't one of those people. She had a multitude of faults, but hypocrisy could not be counted
amongst them.
She knew herself and she knew even then that Beth may end up being the one good thing she ever
did in her life.
She couldn't ruin her one good thing.
She thought about keeping her baby-- Beth was so beautiful and perfect and the pain Quinn felt
slipped away. She imagined a future with her baby, and it was beautiful. But then she thought about it
from the perspective of her daughter.
She thought about the life she could give her daughter-- an alcoholic grandmother who was likely to
kick them both to the curb if the right man came along; an alcoholic grandfather who would always
make her feel like a mistake and abomination; a bitchy teen mother who would probably grow to resent
her for tying her down to Lima.
What kind of life would that have been for her perfect baby?
Back then, she'd accepted that she'd probably stay in Lima forever, but she desperately wanted out
and knew she'd probably end up blaming it on her kid, because she was the kind of person who
blamed other people for her own shitty circumstances.
It was one thing to unreasonably blame Rachel Berry for a bad day, but Quinn didn't want to be the
kind of mother who resented her kid and have her kid hate her in return.
So, Quinn resigned herself to giving Beth up, despite the fact that somewhere deep within her
something cried out to her 'no!' She gave Beth away because she knew it would be best, but it was so
hard--Beth was the best of her, the heart and spirit of her.
And once she was gone-- Quinn was left floundering.
She'd covered it up for a year, trying to regain her old life back. She pushed aside thoughts of Beth,
despite the fact that she felt so empty. Long after her milk dried up and her stomach flattened, she
spent her days pretending nothing ever happened and her nights clutching her stomach to try to retain
the memory that Beth was there once, I was her mother.
Her belly was flat, but no longer the way it used to be. No matter how hard she worked out, she
couldn't seem to erase the vestiges that Beth was there once and with such constant reminders, how
could she ever forget her? Her body hurt and her arms ached to feel that weight again.
She could still recall, to the nearest ounce, the weight of Beth pressed on her chest, the touch of that
baby-delicate skin against hers. She could remember that first, strong cry when Beth announced her
arrival into the world. When she closed her eyes at night and pressed her face into the pillow, she
could almost smell her even though her head has never shared a pillow with Beth's.
People seemed to think that just because she didn't have Beth anymore, that she shouldn't have to
think about her. But it wasn't like that at all-- Beth was so much more than what she could express to
anyone. Only Puck seemed to really understand where she was coming from-- Santana and Brittany
seemed to think she maneuvered a landmine and she should just be grateful for coming out with all
her limbs intact and her BMI still healthy. How could she express to anyone that Beth was still a part of
her?
She had not had a decent night's sleep since giving Beth away-- she woke up every few hours, her
body's rhythm's aching to match to Beth's. She woke up haunted by a baby's cries she only heard
once.
And just when who she was pretending to be had some hope of becoming who she actually was, just
when she was starting to be okay, starting to pull herself together, Shelby had to come back with Beth
and torpedo everything in her life.
She'd spent a year telling herself, 'Beth was here once, I was her mother,' and seeing Shelby with Beth
was a reminder that she was not Beth's mother.
And it destroyed her.
Though she got to see Beth when Shelby came back, somehow, the loss felt even more acute,
because it was shoved right in her face. It wasn't just cruel-- and no matter what Shelby said, it was
cruel just to come back to Lima like it was no big deal. It was malicious, too.
She could concede that she lost her mind for a while when Shelby and Beth came back. She knew the
whole thing with Children's Services was ridiculous, and made her look insane. It was just that she
didn't know what to do-- her emotions felt so heavy and giving herself a project, even an insane one,
made her feel light enough to at least take a breath.
Quinn didn't want to dwell on things she couldn't have anymore.
Shelby was offering her a taste of the little she could have. A relationship with Beth. All she had to do
was convince Rachel to spend some time with Shelby, and Rachel seemed like she needed a mom,
so why not?
Quinn thought everyone could win with the arrangement-- she and Beth could have a chance to get to
know one another, and though they could never have a mother/daughter relationship (would she ever
stop thinking of Beth as hers?) at least she could have some kind of contact with her little girl. Shelby
could try to have a relationship with Rachel and Rachel could finally have a taste of what it was like to
have a mom-- she wanted one no matter how much she claimed she didn't.
It seemed like everyone could get a little of what they needed or wanted, so, of course, Quinn agreed
without hesitation.
--
The next day, Quinn searched for Rachel and zeroed in on the brunette getting books out of her
locker. Quinn watched for a moment as Rachel straightened a picture in her locker that was affixed to
the metal with a magnet. Quinn chuckled at the OCD-ness and sauntered over with her head held
high.
"Hi," Quinn greeted.
Rachel turned to her and smiled. "Hi, Quinn," Rachel said brightly.
Quinn smiled back, unsure of when she started to find Rachel's relentless cheerfulness to be so
endearingly cute.
"I'm going over to Shelby's tonight--"
Rachel lost her smile and her face took on a wary weariness. It was not the first time Quinn noticed
how Rachel wore her every emotion on her face, but it was the first time Quinn felt her heart sink
because Rachel looked disapproving and that disapproval was directed at her.
"Quinn, I thought you agreed to drop this vendetta against Shelby. She's not my favorite person, either.
And I understand you have a lot of anger towards her, which I frankly feel is misdirected. I don't know
her as a person, but Noah believes she's a good mother and that's all that should be important to you.
If you sabotage Shelby as a parent, you're ultimately hurting Beth whom you claim to care about. And
you don't have any parental rights, Quinn. If Child Protective Services were to remove Beth from
Shelby, Beth won't go home to you. She'll go to foster care. And even in the unlikely event you were
able to somehow get Beth into your home, it won't be right away and I think you can agree that even
one minute in foster care is too long for Beth when she already has a loving mother. You've never said
Beth is unhappy-- on the contrary, you've always been rational enough to concede that Beth is a very
happy child. Don't you think that says a lot about Shelby as a parent?"
Quinn let Rachel ramble because she honestly kind of found it cute, especially how Rachel got all big-
eyed and her hands gestured frantically while she spoke. She's not sure why Rachel punctuated 'Child
Protective Services' with air quotes or why she did jazz hands for 'parental rights,' but it was cute. She
really admired Rachel's lung capacity. She just stared at Rachel, with a slightly wrinkled forehead and
nose and allowed Rachel to finish, smiling a little quizzically while the brunette spoke.
Quinn held up her hand in a show of peace. "I was invited," she murmured. "By Shelby. So I can
spend some time with Beth the way Puck does."
"Oh," Rachel said. She paused. "Why did you let me pontificate like that?"
Quinn shrugged in an effort to convey apathy, but the truth was, she really couldn't articulate an
answer other than 'I thought you were being cute' and that was never going to happen in a billion
years. There was a greater chance of her inventing a time machine and running around with dinosaurs
in the Cretaceous era than telling Rachel Berry she found her breathless rambling cute. She wanted to
tell Rachel that Gilmore Girls was canceled now, so she couldn't audition.
"Anyway," Quinn said after pausing for a moment. "I wondered if you would go with me."
Rachel winced slightly. "I don't know. I think my presence would be uncomfortable for everyone."
"I don't think Shelby would mind."
The truth was, Quinn felt her ability to see Beth was contingent on getting Rachel to cross the
threshold of Shelby's doorstep.
"Well--"
"You did ask her for a recommendation," Quinn reminded.
"I really need to get into NYADA. I had to put aside my pride. It's not like I wanted to do it."
"Please?" Quinn asked with a pleading smile. "I really need someone with me."
Rachel bit her lip contemplatively. "Why do you want me?"
"You'll keep me sane," Quinn replied truthfully.
Despite being a little insane herself, Rachel Berry somehow managed to be the one to keep Quinn
sane. Quinn resented this a little, but she couldn't deny that she felt a (tiny) bit of affection for the
singing midget. In another time, she would have made the perfect carnival attraction.
Rachel beamed at her. "Really?"
"Well…we're kind of friends, right?"
Rachel laughed, clearly pleased. "Yes," she agreed with a slight nod. She bit her lip again, her
forehead furrowing with intense concentration "All right," she agreed. "But please confirm with Shelby if
it's okay with her that you bring me. I don't want to make things even more awkward by having her
resent my presence in her home."
"I will," Quinn agreed perfunctorily, because she knew Shelby would be more than okay with Rachel
coming. Quinn grinned. "Perfect. Thank you, Rachel."
Rachel grinned back. "You're welcome, Quinn."
"Don't worry," Quinn said. "Bring along your copy of Funny Girl and we can watch it. I know Beth would
love it."
Rachel beamed at her. "I am so glad you want to get a head start on Beth's musical education, though
I'm certain Shelby is very vigilant with that."
Quinn smiled, and didn't respond. She suppressed the urge to roll her eyes at anything Shelby
Corcoran related.
--
Shelby opened her front door and the smell of baking cookies wafted into the hallway. She beamed at
both of them, but Quinn saw Shelby's gaze was directed at Rachel. Rachel would have noticed this if
she'd been looking straight ahead instead of staring at the floor.
"Rachel, Quinn. Come in."
Shelby held the door wider, allowing Rachel and Quinn to pass.
"Hi," Rachel greeted softly as she passed Shelby, not quite looking Shelby in the face.
Shelby smiled at her. "Hi Rachel," she greeted warmly, putting her arm out to gently squeeze Rachel's
shoulder. "Get in here, it's cold."
Quinn smiled at the towheaded toddler gleefully knocking over stacked blocks in the living room.
"Boom!" Beth cackled. "Boom!"
Quinn laughed softly, wondering what elaborate worlds Beth was creating. Her mood chilled
considerably when her eyes met Shelby's, and Shelby's eyes equally lost a bit of warmth as her gaze
moved from Rachel to Quinn. They stared coldly at one another for a moment, a battle of wills, before
Shelby looked away, toward Beth.
"Baby," Shelby called out. "Can you say hi to Quinn and Rachel?"
Beth glanced over and threw her arms out. "Quinn!" she cried out.
Quinn's heart swelled. "Hi Beth," she greeted walking over to the toddler and crouching down on the
floor.
Beth held up a block to her. "Block!"
Quinn laughed softly. "Yeah, that's a block."
"This is a block!" Beth stated, quite emphatically.
Quinn laughed again. "Yeah, that's a block," she repeated.
Beth grinned at her, her eyes crinkling up. "Can you play with me?"
Quinn wanted to cry on the spot, but instead, she built a tower, seven blocks high, and laughed when
Beth stood up, made a growly noise and kicked it over.
"Again, please"! Beth chirped.
Quinn obliged and with a laugh, Beth growled again and swiped at the blocks with her arms, like a
dinosaur.
Shelby laughed. "Baby, do you want to show Rachel and Quinn your dinosaur hoodie?"
Beth's eyes lit up and she ran towards her bedroom. Shelby followed after her and Beth came running
back wearing a pink hoodie with dinosaur spikes sewed on the back and making growling noises. She
roared and kicked over the block tower Quinn built.
"Fear me!" Beth roared.
Quinn burst into laughter and she grabbed Beth into an impetuous hug. Beth gave her a sloppy,
slobbery kiss on the cheek.
"Where did you get this?" Quinn asked, fingering the hoodie.
"I want one," Rachel called out.
"Mommy made it!" Beth exclaimed.
Shelby smiled at Rachel. "I'll make you one if you really want one."
Rachel smiled back. "It's okay. Thank you."
--
Playing blocks with Beth, Quinn wondered what her little girl would be when she grew up. Something
other than a fearsome pink dinosaur.
Eventually Beth grew bored of blocks and toddled to the couch where Shelby and Rachel were
awkwardly watching Funny Girl.
Surprising everyone, Beth crawled right into Rachel's lap, and pressed her face into Rachel's neck.
Even after Beth sneezed into Rachel's shoulder, and Rachel looked disgusted, that didn't stop Beth
from cuddling into Rachel.
Beth seemed very taken with Rachel-- more taken than she did with Quinn. Quinn was surprised by
how much that hurt.
.
It took a while for Beth to warm up to her-- Puck said Beth was the same way with him, so Quinn just
assumed that maybe Beth was shy.
But Beth seemed to light right up around Rachel.
Quinn convinced herself that it was because Rachel and Shelby looked so much alike. It was clear
Beth knew Rachel wasn't her mother, but Quinn read somewhere that even preverbal infants could
recognize faces, so Quinn wondered if it were possible that Beth recognized how alike Rachel and
Shelby looked and felt an affinity to Rachel because of it. Beth kept putting her small, chubby hand out
to pat all around Rachel's face in exploration, and even though Rachel was clearly uncomfortable, she
allowed this to happen.
Admittedly, it was a deliriously cute sight.
The cookies were done and reasonably cooled enough for consumption. Shelby offered up the plate to
Beth first, and Beth grabbed two warm cookies and crammed both into her mouth at the same time
before anyone could say anything.
"Beth," Shelby scolded with fond exasperation. She laughed.
Beth grinned up at her around a mouthful of cookie."Hee hee," she laughed. She held a cookie
remnant in her hand toward Shelby, offering it up to her.
"Are you giving it to me?" Shelby teased in a high-pitched voice.
Beth nodded emphatically, and Shelby laughed and bent her head down low enough for Beth to feed
her.
Shelby smiled at Beth while she chewed and Beth reached up to pat Shelby's cheek.
"Thank you, Mommy," she chirped. She grinned. "I like cookies."
Quinn's heart felt as though it shattered into a thousand pieces. She wanted that. But she gave it away
and she was never, ever going to be able to have that.
Shelby offered the plate to Quinn and Rachel. Quinn waved the plate away and Shelby didn't seem to
care. But she focused on Rachel who quietly declined the offer.
"You don't want a homemade cookie, Rachel?" Shelby asked. "They're fresh out of the oven," she
teased.
"No, thank you," Rachel said quietly. "I'm vegan. Those were made with milk and eggs, right?"
Shelby's face fell. "Right," she said softly. "Sorry."
Rachel smiled. "Why are you sorry? You couldn't have known. And anyway, you made them for Beth,
not for me, right?"
Shelby's smile was forced. "Right."
--
Two hours passed too quickly. Quinn spent most of the time staring at Beth, making goofy faces and
asking Beth what certain animals sounded like and then making the corresponding noise.
This seemed to please Beth, which pleased Quinn.
At the end of the visit, Quinn couldn't look Shelby in the eyes, but she muttered a "thank you" that was
sincere even though it did not quite sound heartfelt.
She was genuinely grateful, it just killed her to admit it.
Shelby swallowed hard. "You're welcome," she said softly, but she was looking at Rachel while she
said it.
--
Shelby scheduled the third visit on a day that happened to land on Rachel's 17th birthday, probably
thinking it would give her a chance to spend time with Rachel on a day meant to celebrate Rachel's
life.
She probably assumed that Rachel and Quinn would both be free because it was Winter Break, but
she hadn't counted on Rachel having plans.
Shelby's face fell when she opened the door to find only Quinn standing there.
"Where's Rachel? Is she coming later?"
"She said she was going to spend today with her dads."
"Oh," Shelby said, like she was considering that for the first time.
Quinn stepped inside and found that there were party decorations around the dining room and living
room and a cake on the dining table.
"It's a vegan cake," Shelby said quietly. "Do you think you could take it to her on your way home?"
"Her dads probably bought her one already," Quinn said harshly."She's not going to want a second
cake."
Shelby looked chastened. "Right," she murmured."Nevermind. It's…it's fine."
The visit was awkward, and as much as Quinn wanted to bolt, she stayed the whole two hours playing
with Beth and watching videos. Periodically, Beth would say "Happy Birthday, Rachel," and Quinn
realized that Shelby trained her like Beth was some kind of seal or monkey.
In any other circumstance, that would have made her angry, but Quinn just wished Rachel were
around to see and hear it.
Two hours exactly passed and Quinn was unceremoniously ushered out.
On her drive home, Quinn nearly got into an accident with another car pulling out of the
Bethlehem/Hefner Cemetery. Quinn honked for a prolonged moment, and then relaxed-- only because
it was a black Prius like Rachel drove, and lately she'd developed a soft spot for anything that
reminded her even remotely of Rachel Berry.
The other car sped away and Quinn hoped the other person got into an accident for being such a
crazy driver-- it would be sweet, karmic retribution like the time she saw a car that cut her off on the
highway pulled over and ticketed.
--
Quinn waited all week for some kind of invitation to some kind of birthday celebration from Rachel, but
it never came. It hurt more than Quinn thought.
One week later, Quinn picked Rachel up at her house and they drove to Shelby's for the visit.
Rachel's birthday went unmarked and Quinn never told Rachel that Shelby tried to prepare something
for her.
--
As promised, the visits started to became a regular weekly thing and though Shelby never explicitly
said it was a quid pro quo situation, that was the impression Quinn got. So, she continued to trade in
time with her baby with time Shelby could spend with hers.
Rachel tended to be very quiet and subdued during the visits except when she was interacting with
Beth. Quinn could tell at first Rachel was only going along with it to be polite, but after a few visits
when Beth started babbling Rachel's name, and trying to repeat everything she said, Quinn could see
genuine affection in Rachel's face when she looked at Beth.
Shelby and Rachel moved around one another awkwardly. Quinn felt badly about subjecting Rachel to
it by making Rachel believe this was an act of friendship when really, it was an act of manipulation on
Quinn's part, but being able to spend time with Beth just meant more to her.
"Have you heard anything from NYADA?" Shelby would ask each time.
It was a dumb question since applications had barely been sent out, but Shelby was probably just
fumbling for a conversation and everyone seemed to recognize that.
Rachel shook her head. "No," she sighed. "Likely not for a while. You know how it is."
Shelby rubbed Rachel's arm comfortingly. "I'm sure you will get in. Your application was so
impressive."
Rachel gave her a genuine smile. "Thank you."
Quinn knew Rachel's suspension for stuffing the ballot box weighed heavily on her mind. Rachel talked
everyone's ear off about it, even though there was nothing to be done about it. Shelby was in serious
trouble if Rachel was so disinclined to talk to her, she wasn't even bringing that up.
Still, admirably enough, Shelby soldiered on.
--
Quinn passed Christmas morning, quietly, with her mother.
Her childhood Christmas celebrations weren't somber, but they weren't exactly joyous either. She had
nothing to compare it to, so she didn't think it was that different from anyone else, but it definitely
wasn't like she'd seen on TV or in movies. Her family would exchange genuinely thoughtful gifts, and
everyone seemed pretty happy. They'd have a family worship service of reading the Scripture and
prayer, thanking God for all their blessings. They'd take a family picture and then her mother would
cook an elaborate Christmas dinner.
They weren't allowed to meet with friends or anything on that day, so when Aubrey still lived at home,
she and her sister would play board games sitting on top of Aubrey's bed (one of the rare times Quinn
was allowed inside her sister's sanctuary). Once Aubrey started her own family, Quinn would spend
the day reading. For as long as she could remember, her father was drunk before dinner and her
mother would be drunk by dessert. But it didn't get ugly, which seemed like a blessing.
This year, Christmas with her mother was mellow.
Last year, which was their first Christmas without her father, her mother went over-the-top. Her sister
wasn't even coming over with her husband and two daughters, so it was just her and her mother, but
her mother cooked an elaborate seven course meal. They had prime rib leftovers for seven days and
Quinn never wanted to see prime rib, ever again.
This year, her mother was much more subdued.
Her mother bought her a new winter coat, some jewelry and a new iPod, since Quinn broke hers the
week before by dropping it while running. Quinn bought her mother a scarf and a new handbag. They
ate breakfast together after exchanging gifts and then they went their separate ways around the
house.
Quinn watched A Christmas Story as it repeated on TBS and after the fourth time, she wanted to shoot
Ralphie's eye out for real.
In the late afternoon, she took a quiet walk around the neighborhood with her mom-- her mother's idea,
naturally while the roast cooked. She wished she had a dog so at least she and her mom could
converse about the mongrel rather than walking in uncomfortable silence.
They passed Rachel's house.
Judging by the decorations outside, Quinn felt a pang of envy because she deduced Rachel's fathers
were probably really into celebration.
Rachel's house was always the most ostentatiously decorated in Lima during the holidays. Hers was
the only house on the block that was decorated with both a brightly lit lawn Santa Claus and an
ostentatiously large lawn menorah. It looked like an interfaith couple tried to outdo one another under
the guise of compromise. It was garish, ostentatious and hilarious.
It was so Rachel Berry.
And there were reindeer and another Santa Claus on the roof. It was horrifying, and by horrifying,
Quinn secretly thought it was awesome. When her father was still around, their home was 'tastefully'
decorated and now that he wasn't, neither she nor her mother were inclined to decorate, so their
house was the sad, un-festive one on their block.
Yes, the decorations on Rachel's house were tacky and not put up well (did shorty Rachel put them up
herself, jeez) but there was something bright and optimistic about it, too.
Quinn possessed a secret soft spot for it.
As they were walking, a tiny furball dog, smaller than the average Yorkshire terrier, came running
down the street. It looked like it was grinning. The dog looked mischievous.
It was almost cinematic.
Trailing about fifty feet behind the dog was Rachel Berry dressed only in a pair of pajamas and house
slippers despite the frigid Midwestern weather.
"Cow! I swear to God, if you don't stop, I'm going to cook and eat you!" Rachel caught sight of Quinn
and shrieked. "Quinn! Please capture him!"
The dog was running toward Quinn, so Quinn bent down and caught it. Cow yelped when Quinn
shoved it to the ground and was still yelping in protest when Quinn picked the animal up and cradled
the dog to her chest like a baby.
Rachel ran up, shivering. "Quinn! Thank you very much! He got away from me when I went outside to
bring in the mail. I forgot to get it yesterday!"
"You're welcome," Quinn murmured.
Judy Fabray took off her own coat and handed it toward Rachel who smiled, but shook her head.
"No, thank you, ma'am. I'm fine," she said, though she was shivering. She reached out with both arms
and pulled the white furball out of Quinn's arms. "Cow, you are in big trouble," she scolded the animal,
sounding very much like an indignant six year old. "You ignored me and ran away! I do not like it when
you do that!" She stomped her foot in annoyance.
Make that an indignant three year old.
Quinn grinned. "You're not really going to cook him and eat him are you? Because if so, I may have to
call the ASPCA on you." She paused. "Or that Korean restaurant that just opened up," she joked.
"Whatever."
Both her mother and Rachel looked at her, aghast.
"I'm kidding," Quinn said defensively. This was why she didn't tell jokes--she tried to tell one and it was
not well-received. People thought she had some gigantic stick up her ass, but when she tried to tell a
joke, people (even her own mother) looked at her like she was hitting baby seals with clubs made from
elephant ivory and then wearing pants made from the baby seal pelt..
"I should get inside," Rachel said, shivering. She smiled at Quinn and her mother. "Happy Christmas,"
she murmured. "Thank you both so much again."
"Happy Christmas."
Quinn watched as Rachel walked back inside, scolding Cow quite vociferously the entire way. She
was even shaking her index finger in his face, which he was trying to lick. Quinn wondered how
someone could be so pedantic toward a dog.
--
A few hours later, Rachel showed up at Quinn's doorstep wearing a white winter coat, white tights and
a white beret that made Quinn think of a baby polar bear and Monica Lewinsky.
Monica Lewinsky ruined berets forever and Quinn hated her for a moment that she couldn't just enjoy
how adorable Rachel looked in that ridiculous beret without thinking of a chubby intern giving a pudgy
president head.
"Hey," Quinn greeted.
Rachel's dark lashes fluttered a few times and she smiled up at Quinn shyly. She passed a plate
wrapped in decorative tinfoil at her.
"I baked you and your mom cookies for saving my dog today," she said, biting her lip as she awaited
Quinn's reaction.
Quinn smiled slowly. "You did? What kind?"
"Chocolate chip and sugar," Rachel murmured. She grinned. "They're regular cookies," she promised.
"I wouldn't foist vegan cookies on you."
Quinn took the proffered plate. "Come in," she said reaching for Rachel's hand to pull her inside.
She didn't know why she was holding hands with Rachel 'Manhands' Berry willingly like this when she
had nothing to profit from the interaction. Maybe it was because it was Christmas and she was filled
with Christmas cheer, the desire to shoot out a beloved Christmas movie character's eye
notwithstanding.
Or maybe she could finally admit to herself that they were actually friends and she actually liked
Rachel as a person.
Rachel hesitated at the threshold of the door. "I don't want to intrude, I only wanted to bring over some
gratitude festive pastries."
Quinn snorted. "Well, come inside anyway. I have something for you."
Rachel's interest was piqued. "For me?"
"I got you something."
Rachel looked distressed. "But I didn't get you anything."
"You got me cookies," Quinn pointed out. "Come up with me. I was going to give it to you tomorrow
when we visited with Shelby and Beth. You're still coming, right?" She paused, and despite knowing
she was about to be way too manipulative, she did it anyway. "I really need you to come with me,
Rach."
Rachel gave her a sweet smile. "Of course I will."
Quinn smiled brightly. "Let me put the cookies into the kitchen. Follow me."
Her mom was sipping coffee and reading the newspaper when she and Rachel walked into the
kitchen. Most of the cooking was done, so it was just a matter of waiting. Judy was just keeping an eye
on everything.
Quinn prayed the coffee her mother was drinking wasn't Irish.
"Mom, Rachel brought over some cookies."
Judy looked up. "Hello, Rachel," she said pleasantly.
Quinn breathed a sigh of relief because she could see in her mother's eyes and in the clear way she
spoke that her coffee was regular and not infused with something more festive.
"Hello, ma'am," Rachel said quietly. "I apologize for intruding on your holiday, but I wanted to thank
you and Quinn for rescuing my dog today. He means a great deal to me."
Judy smiled. "Don't be silly. Quinnie's friends are always welcome."
"We're going to go upstairs really quick, okay?" Quinn said.
"Of course ,Quinnie."
Quinn set the cookies down on the island counter and then she and Rachel walked up the stairs to her
room.
Quinn picked up the small wrapped box off her desk and unceremoniously passed it to Rachel.
"Ca-can I open it now?" Rachel asked, like a little kid asking for permission.
"If you want."
Quinn hoped that Rachel liked it. Truthfully, she hadn't planned on getting Rachel anything, but she'd
accompanied her mother to the Hallmark store (of all places) a couple days before and when she saw
the snowglobe of New York City, she'd thought of Rachel instantly. She couldn't resist buying it.
Rachel pulled out the snowglobe--it was small enough it could be held in one of the palms of her
hands. She stared at it for a long moment, her mouth parted ever so slightly.
When she turned to Quinn, she was beaming. "Quinn, this is so sweet of you."
Quinn ducked her head, feeling bashful for some reason beyond her.
It was just Rachel and all she got Berry was a stupid snowglobe. It's not like she bought Rachel a
string of pearls or a diamond ring, but Rachel was smiling at her like Quinn gave her the key to the
whole world.
"I thought of you," Quinn said softly. "So you'd look at it and remember you won't have to be stuck here
for much longer. Just think, a year from now, you'll be living there."
Quinn swallowed hard. 'I know you'll get out,' she thought to herself.
Rachel grinned. "Thank you, Quinn." She looked distraught again. "I didn't get you anything!"
"You go with me to see Beth," Quinn said quietly. "That's all I need."
Rachel smiled and threw her arms around Quinn in an impromptu hug. "Happy Christmas, friend."
Quinn squeezed back. "Happy Christmas, to you, too, friend," she replied quietly.
Rachel rested her head against Quinn's chest and when they pulled apart Quinn saw that Rachel's
eyes were shiny with unshed tears.
"Hey now," Quinn said. "I thought I was the crier."
Rachel laughed and wiped at her eyes. She clutched the snowglobe close to her chest. "Thank you so
much," she said quietly. "You don't know what this means for me…" she trailed off and seemed to
reign in her emotions. She smiled up at Quinn. "I should go," she said softly. "I don't want to intrude on
your family time any longer."
"Okay. You probably want to get back to your dads."
Rachel gave her a teary smile. "Yes."
"So you and your dads celebrate both Christmas and Hanukah?"
Rachel's eyes teared up more. "My dads always give me the best," she said softly. She impetuously
hugged Quinn again. "Thank you again, Quinn."
--
As Rachel was leaving, Judy invited Rachel to stay for dinner, but Rachel begged off.
"Her dads are waiting for her, mom," Quinn said.
Judy also tried to give Rachel a plate of cookies that she baked the night before, but Rachel politely
declined stating their deliciousness would be wasted on her since she was vegan and her fathers were
always dieting.
"She's an odd duck," Judy commented once Rachel was gone. "But sweet."
Quinn chuckled. "Yeah."
--
The next day when she was leaving the house to go to Shelby's, there was a plate of cookies on the
counter in the kitchen. There was a note on top from her mother.
Quinn, give these to Rachel-- I baked them this morning using a vegan recipe I found online
last night.
Quinn glanced around like a fat kid sneaking a snack and unwrapped the plastic wrap.
The cookies Rachel baked were divine, so there was no way she was going to give Rachel inferior
cookies.
Of course, a vegan cookie held no real appeal to Quinn, but she still wanted to make sure the cookies
were good enough to be given away. She had standards, after all.
She tried a cookie and was relieved to find they were pretty tasty. She replaced the plastic wrap and
whistling, she carried it out of the kitchen. She paused to grab Beth's present and then left to pick up
Rachel.
--
Shelby was all bright smiles when she answered the door.
"Hi girls," Shelby said. Her eyes lingered on Rachel. "Hi Rachel."
Rachel smiled, though she looked a little uncomfortable. "Hi, happy belated Christmas."
Beth tore off the wrapping paper from her gift from Quinn. Much to Quinn's dismay, Beth seemed more
inclined to play with the box the toy came in, rather than the toy itself.
Shelby laughed gently and said that was fairly common with all children.
But once Beth began playing with it, she seemed very immersed in the talking puppy that lit up and
made sounds. Beth seemed equally invested in the star stacker toy that Rachel brought as a gift as
well, and for an hour, the condo was filled with good cheer as Rachel, Quinn and Shelby were content
to watch Beth play with her toys, the toddler occasionally whooping and shrieking with laughter.
Quinn played with Beth, but she eavesdropped on the conversations Shelby tried to initiate with
Rachel.
Rachel seemed uneasy when Shelby asked about her birthday, Hanukah and Christmas celebrations.
Quinn surmised that Rachel was uncomfortable talking about her fathers with Shelby which made
sense.
But Shelby switched to the much more neutral topic of Barbra Streisand and Rachel lit right up. Quinn
tuned that out because she wasn't much interested in Barbra, not that she'd ever say that out loud with
Rachel within earshot. She didn't want to get killed.
--
As they were leaving, Shelby quietly asked Rachel to wait for a moment.
Quinn always found it hard to walk away from Beth after these visits.
She knew she wasn't Beth's mom, but it still killed her to walk away. Every 'goodbye Beth! See you
next time!' pushed a shard of glass deeper into her heart. It was a wound that would not heal, like she
was freaking Chiron or something and Shelby Corcoran kept reopening it and digging the arrow in a
little further.
She needed to get out of there, so she waited for Rachel outside Shelby's door.
It didn't take long for Rachel to come out, and when she did, she was carrying a paper jewelry box,
long and narrow that obviously held a necklace.
Rachel's face was unreadable.
"Are you okay?" Quinn asked quietly.
"She got me a present," Rachel said flatly. She shoved the box at Quinn and waited expectantly for
Quinn to open it. "She said it was a birthday/holiday present."
It was a delicate gold chain with a gold star charm.
Quinn swallowed hard because her ridiculous snowglobe seemed so paltry in comparison.
"It's pretty," Quinn said quietly.
"Yeah," Rachel agreed softly. She bit her lip. "Why do you think she bought this for me? What's this
supposed to mean? What does she want from me? Should I have gotten her something?" she asked
anxiously.
Quinn felt like this could be her cue to spill everything, but instead she said, "I don't know."
--
She didn't hear or see much of Rachel for the next week, except for the occasional text message
exchange. Quinn just assumed Rachel was busy enjoying her vacation from school. She wanted to
text more-- she was bored and a little lonely. Outside of Santana and Brittany, she didn't really have
many close friends-- not even the other glee clubbers. Their club was split into little factions, which
was to be expected, but she really wasn't included in any of them except for one with Brittany and
Santana.
Those two were going through something that Quinn wasn't privy to, so she didn't mind they were
excluding her, but that meant she had a lot of free time.
It was just a few hours past midnight on New Year's Day and Quinn was driving home from Puck's
house party with Santana and Brittany.
She looked for Rachel, but despite being invited to the party, Rachel didn't show up.
No one heard from Rachel all day and Kurt looked concerned, but distracted by the presence of Blaine
on his arm. No one really commented on Rachel's absence even though she was the only glee
member not to show up and she was basically Head Gleek. Even Finn, her alleged boyfriend, didn't
comment on her absence beyond "Rach texted and said she was busy."
The party was fun, but Santana and Brittany seemed somber-- neither of them drank much of the free
flowing alcohol, which was unusual for them and Quinn preferred not to drink ever since Beth.
They stayed perfunctorily, but Quinn knew she wasn't feeling very festive or celebratory-- every New
Year, she reflected on the year and felt some regrets. But this year, her regrets seemed particularly
numerous and she just couldn't seem to get out from underneath the fog of low-grade, but constant
depression. Neither Brittany nor Santana seemed like they were into celebrating either.
--
Quinn had the urge to pass by Rachel's house to see the decorations on the drive home, even if they
were unlikely to still be lit up.
It was three am and if she'd drank even an ounce of alcohol that night, she'd swear she was drunk
when she saw Rachel standing on her roof, illuminated by the full moon, taking down the Santa and
reindeer decorations.
"Oh my God!" Quinn shrieked, braking hard enough that they skidded a bit. She ignored the terrified
shrieks followed by curses from Brittany and Santana as she pulled her car over. She stared up at the
roof where, yes, Rachel-- and it was definitely Rachel, her meager height and hair unmistakable, was
trying to pull down the Santa and reindeer display.
"Holy shit," Santana whispered, looking up at the house. "She's going to break her fucking neck."
They got out of the car and walked to the house quietly, not wanting to startle Rachel and cause her to
break her neck.
Rachel tossed down the decoration and it landed on the snow. Quinn thought she heard something
break, but the landing wasn't as hard as she thought it would be.
Rachel was crying audibly and stumbling as she unsteadily climbed down the ladder. Alarmed, Quinn
held the ladder steady and breathed a sigh of relief when Rachel's feet touched the ground and the
brunette stumbled into her, letting out a startled yelp. Quinn grasped her into a brief hug, burying her
face into Rachel's shoulder and thanking God she did not witness Rachel fall to her death this night.
She spun Rachel around, ignoring the brunette's squeaks of confusion.
"Quinn?" Rachel slurred.
She was drunk.
Quinn felt a fury she'd never felt before wash over her.
"Are you drunk?" she screamed at Rachel. "What are you, stupid?! You climbed on your roof drunk?!"
God, her heart was beating so fast. It was racing. Was she having a heart attack? She had to be
having a hard attack. She always knew Rachel fucking Berry would be the death of her.
Instead of looking contrite, Rachel gave her this cute grin and shrugged.
The fury Quinn felt intensified. Rachel did something this unaccountably stupid and she had the gall to
do a cute grin and a shrug? Quinn punched Rachel's shoulder. "You idiot!"
Rachel looked perplexed as she rubbed that spot on her shoulder. "Why did you hit me?" her voice
sounded nasal from crying.
"We're going inside," Quinn snapped.
"But I haven't finished taking down all the Christmas decorations yet!"
Quinn was going to kill this girl.
"You can do that later," Quinn said brusquely, grabbing Rachel by the arm and shoving her toward the
front door.
Santana and Brittany silently trailed in behind them.
The second the door closed, Quinn unleashed the rant she'd held back when they were outside.
In the light, Rachel looked awful like she'd been crying her eyes out for hours. Her face was red and
blotchy and her eyes were red-rimmed and swollen. Quinn swallowed hard at how clearly distraught
Rachel must have been, but she was too infuriated by the flagrant display of absolute stupidity.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" Quinn stormed, taking Rachel by the shoulders and shaking.
"You're drunk! You smell like you've been hanging out with Patches for six months! What the fuck were
you thinking?!" Quinn screamed. "You could have killed yourself! You're drunk?! You get drunk and
you climb on your roof? What if you'd fallen and broken your neck? What if you'd broken your spine?!
Newsflash, Little Miss Christopher Reeve Wannabe, but not even you would be able to jumpstart a
Broadway career as a quadriplegic unless you were playing Stephen fucking Hawking!"
Rachel just stared at her uncomprehendingly.
"What do you have to say for yourself?!"
Rachel just gave her that cute grin.
Quinn was so infuriated she wanted to smack it off Rachel's face.
"Where are your fathers?!"
Rachel averted her eyes and shrugged.
"What the fuck?!" Quinn screamed. "You're not talking to me?!"
It was at that moment that Rachel's little mongrel, Cow, ran at Quinn, barking its yippy little bark and
snarling the best a tiny furball could. The animal was clearly protective of Rachel, but it wasn't much of
a guard dog, so Quinn was not intimidated.
And then Cow bit Quinn's ankle.
"Fuck!" Quinn shouted, picking Cow up and shoving him at Brittany.
Rachel just gave Quinn a small smile. "Quinn," she said softly.
Quinn felt her heart soften. Slightly. "What?!" she snapped.
"Please don't yell at me. My head hurts."
Oh, Quinn wanted to kill her. She really did.
Rachel abruptly began walking away in direction of her bedroom. Quinn followed after her to make
sure Rachel didn't break her neck ascending the stairs since it would be just Quinn's luck to see
Rachel climb down a roof while plastered and then witness her fall to her death climbing up stairs. And
also, she was angry that Rachel would walk away from her in the middle of a fight. No one walked
away from her.
"Rachel, what the hell is the matter with you? Are you mentally retarded? What were you thinking?!"
Quinn demanded as she followed Rachel into her room.
The minute Rachel entered her room, she began shucking off her clothing which made Quinn swallow
hard and look away.
"Quinn," Rachel murmured lowly.
Quinn finally looked and gasped quietly because all Rachel was wearing was underwear.
"You are very pretty to look at," Rachel said quietly, though the words came out slow and slurred.
Rachel took a few unsteady steps forward and before Quinn knew what was going on, Rachel was
pressed up against her, soft breasts pushing into her.
Oh.
And then Rachel's mouth was on hers.
Oh.
Rachel tasted like…Quinn wasn't even sure. Some kind of hard liquor, definitely. The kind that burned
the throat. But oh, this kiss was so sweet. It wasn't so much one kiss as it was a series of little closed
mouth and open mouth kisses that left Quinn tingly.
Rachel smiled and her hand curled on Quinn's cheek. She gently tapped her fingertips on Quinn's
cheek, smiling when that made Quinn chuckle.
"You are so beautiful," Rachel breathed wistfully. She absently brushed her fingers across Quinn's
cheek, her touch so light and gentle, Quinn only felt the barest tickle.
Quinn could only stare back at Rachel who gazed up at her.
Rachel smiled again. "My pretty friend," she murmured, taking an unsteady step forward to kiss
Quinn's again, near the corner of her mouth.
Quinn could hardly breathe, let alone formulate a coherent response. Just when she started to think of
something to say-- "you're beautiful," Rachel abruptly pulled away and stumbled to her bed where she
flopped down and promptly passed out.
Quinn released a few harsh breaths, asking herself 'what the fuck was that?' Because God, she could
tell another girl 'yeah, sure. You're cute' or even substitute 'cute' for 'pretty' or if she were feeling
particularly jovial or jaunty, then maybe 'foxy.' But a girl calling another girl 'beautiful' when one of them
was drunk and undressed-- well, that was asking for the kind of trouble Quinn definitely did not want.
She wandered to the bed where she experimentally poked Rachel's cheek with her finger. Rachel did
not rouse.
Sighing, Quinn tucked the sheets around Rachel and left the room
She descended the stairs where Santana and Brittany were playing with Cow.
"Is Berry cool?" Santana asked.
Quinn shrugged because she honestly had no idea. She left Santana and Brittany playing with Cow
and watching Times Square ball drop on the ABC rebroadcast from a few hours before. She wandered
through Rachel's house and dumped out all the liquor she could find in the house. She was fairly sure
Rachel would have a lot of explaining to do to her parents about where all the alcohol went, but Quinn
suspected Rachel would be able to make up a feasible enough excuse. She just didn't want Rachel to
wake up in the middle of the night and drink even more and then do something else heart-stoppingly
stupid.
She washed her hands at the kitchen sink and then filled a clean glass with water. She went back to
Rachel's room and left the water on the nightstand. She rolled Rachel onto her side in case she started
vomiting during the night-- she didn't want Rachel to choke. She pulled the wastebasket next to the
bed. Finally, she made sure Rachel was cozily tucked in under the covers.
Before she left the room, she checked that Rachel's window was tightly shut-- she could have sworn
she felt a draft and she wanted Rachel to be warm enough.
She made sure the house was locked up before she left.
--
She dropped Santana and Brittany off at Brittany's house and thought about going back to Rachel's,
but she'd locked the door behind her, so there was no way of getting back in.
She couldn't sleep all night because she was worried that Rachel would throw up and choke despite
the fact she'd rolled Rachel onto her side before she left.
At six am she couldn't wait anymore, so she texted Rachel are you okay and got a response a few
minutes later of course, why wouldn't I be? and Quinn wondered if maybe Rachel blacked out the
whole night. The prospect was kind of a relief, though frightening.
A few hours later, she dropped by Rachel's house after church, and though Rachel looked miserably
hungover, she also looked alive.
The front yard was clear of all its Christmas decorations.
"Are you okay?" Quinn asked.
"Yes, of course," Rachel said with a smile. "Why wouldn't I be?"
Quinn looked at her closely. "What did you do last night?"
Rachel looked at her guilelessly. "I hung out with my fathers. They don't really like me to go out on
New Year's Eve. I didn't want to endure a defensive driving/drunk driving/driver's safety lecture from
them. We watched the ball drop on TV and then we all went to sleep early."
Quinn forced herself to smile. Rachel was lying but more importantly, Rachel didn’t know that Quinn
knew better.
Quinn decided to hold that under her hat for a while.
"Sounds good," Quinn commented neutrally. "I kind of missed you last night though. It would have
been nice to see you at Puck's party."
Rachel gave her a slight grin. "I kind of missed you, too."
--
Quinn stewed about it for a few hours after she got home and decided she needed to talk to Rachel
about it again. She was accustomed to people who got sloppy when intoxicated, but never thought
Rachel would be one of them. She was worried because as much as she didn’t want to admit it, after
last night, she felt responsible for Rachel.
It was late on the first of January when Quinn showed up unannounced, once again, on Rachel's
doorstep.
Rachel answered the door looking perplexed.
"Quinn? Are you all right?"
Quinn pushed her way in past the Rachel into the house.
"You're a fucking idiot, do you know that?" Quinn demanded, feeling the same ire she felt when she
believed she would watch Rachel fall to her death.
Rachel pulled away, clearly wounded. "Perhaps you've mistaken my home for the hallowed halls of
McKinley High School, Quinn, but I do not intend to be insulted by you in my own home." Rachel
began to push Quinn toward the door, but Quinn whipped around and shoved Rachel backward.
"Do you really not remember what you did last night!?" Quinn demanded.
Blood drained out of Rachel's face.
"What did I do?" she asked, her voice hushed.
When she woke up that morning, she woke as she usually did on New Year's Day-- mostly naked and
hungover. Since she didn't wake up in someone else's bed or had company when she woke up, she
didn't think much of it.
"You don’t remember? Quinn asked, looking profoundly disapproving.
Rachel's eyes flickered down, ashamed. "No," she admitted softly.
Quinn looked accusingly at her. "I saw you last night," she said resentfully. "You were on your roof."
Rachel bit her lip and looked at Quinn warily. "Was I bathing on it?" she asked teasingly, after a
prolonged moment of silence.
Quinn fought a smile. "You aren't the Bathsheba to my David, Rachel."
"Am I the Rachel to your Jacob?" Rachel teased. "Would you like to play a game with Bible
references? I'm fairly adept with them."
"Rach…" Quinn said quietly. "Stop it. You need to explain yourself for last night."
Rachel's face fell. "I just had too much to drink."
"By yourself?"
Rachel averted her eyes. "Quinn," she said softly. "I just….I had too much to drink. That's it."
"But by yourself?" Quinn pressed, and she didn't want to come across as lecturing like some nerd, and
she certainly didn't want to come across as concerned, but it was a little alarming. "Where were your
dads?"
"I was in a…convivial mood last night," Rachel said defensively.
Quinn thought about the way Rachel was crying last night, and she knew Rachel was certainly not
convivial. But she didn't bring that up. Instead, she chose to pursue the more concerning action.
"You climbed up on your roof," Quinn pointed out.
"It was nothing," Rachel said dismissively.
"It's not nothing!"
Rachel gave her a tiny smile and closed the small gap of space between them by taking a few steps.
She cupped the side of Quinn's neck.
"Would you have been sad if I plummeted to my death, Quinn?" Rachel teased.
Quinn swallowed hard. Of course she would have been sad. But she couldn't confirm that out loud, so
instead, she slapped Rachel's arm away, hard. "You could have killed yourself!"
Rachel smiled. "Even intoxicated, I'm very coordinated," she murmured.
Quinn glared at her. "What is wrong with you?!"
"I'm sorry," Rachel apologized. "I never meant to cause you distress. It was very stupid of me. I'll never
do it again. I promise," she said sincerely. "I had a little too much celebratory alcohol and I did
something breathtakingly foolish. Thank you for whatever it is you did for me last night. I'm sure you
saved me from humiliation." She paused. "Or permanent disfigurement and/or dismemberment."
Quinn made a face at the grimness of those images. "You were crying last night," she blurted.
Rachel flinched and her gaze lowered. "It was nothing," she said softly. "I'm very embarrassed. Please,
let's just forget about it."
Quinn sighed. She knew what it was like to want to forget something embarrassing.
"Fine. Just…don't do something so stupid next time, okay? You could have died or you could have
broken your spine and then you'd never be on Broadway."
"I know," Rachel said quietly. But by the expression on her face, it seemed like Quinn reached her
once Quinn invoked Broadway.
"Just be a little smarter, okay?"
Rachel smiled. "Okay."
Quinn wanted to talk more and she wanted to talk about the kiss-- except it was clear Rachel had
forgotten it and that was kind of a relief.
Repression and denial were the Fabray family way and though she was trying to change and be a
better person, it wasn't always easy.
She wanted to talk about it, but she wasn't sure she wanted to deal with it and she only pursued lines
of conversation when she was more or less certain how they would go. She had no idea what would
happen if she talked to Rachel about the kiss, so she decided not to go there.
Tags: glee, quinn/rachel
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
2012-01-17 01:53 am (local)
I SO want to read this, but I don't know what it ending with Mike/Quinn/Rachel means. Are we talking a
three person adult relationship? Or Mike is more of a father figure to Beth? Or?
Thanks. :)
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeek
2012-01-17 02:49 am (local)
Yep! M/Q/R as a romantic pairing. The story has Q/R getting together in high school and then
breaking up before graduation (for melodramatic reasons, I am Asian), and R/M getting together
in college and then Q coming back into the picture. I don't know a lot about how polyamorous
relationships work, so it's not very detailed. The three of them have two kids together by the end
of the story. I hope you give it a go, but I get it if you don't. I know M/Q/R will be a turn-off for
many, but I think it's pretty
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Anonymous)
2012-01-17 03:09 am (local)
I'm slightly put off, but not enough to skip this because I love your work and thank you for
continuously sharing with the Glee community. Here's to trying new things!
mjacton
2012-01-17 09:29 am (local)
Well, this is ambitious. Even though the ground you've covered in this chapter isn't exactly new, the
Faberry/Shelby dynamic has a lot of room to roam around. And somehow you always bring freshness
to anything, and this is no exception.
"She's an odd duck," Judy commented once Rachel was gone. "But sweet."--That's a pretty apt and
succinct description.
As for the Rachel/Mike/Quinn relationship, I'm keeping an open mind. In your hands, I'll probably love
it.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-17 10:33 pm (local)
you, though I'd hardly call this 'ambitious' And yes, Rachel is a sweet odd duck! Now I want some
Brittany/Rachel
iconicplatonic
2012-01-17 03:02 pm (local)
Have fully stocked up with supplies and have prepared to spend the next 12 hours reading this!!
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-17 10:34 pm (local)
Don't hibernate!
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Chapter 2 rachel/santana santana santana/quinn shelby
sulkygeekff
January 16th, 2012
One freezing February day, Rachel got her acceptance letter to NYADA.
Quinn wasn't surprised-- the admissions board would have to be idiotic to pass on Rachel. But she
was surprised by how genuinely happy she was for Rachel. To the point that when Rachel called her
to announce it, Quinn screamed just as much as Rachel did.
Once the screaming subsided, and Rachel hung up, shrieking "I have to call Kurt! Don't tell him I called
you first! He will be a jealous gay!"
Quinn got into her car, drove to Whole Foods and bought the biggest vegan cake and bouquet of
flowers she could find.
When she got to Rachel's house, Kurt was already over, screaming because he got in, too. Quinn
joined in the hug and they were a mass of entangled limbs on the floor of Rachel's foyer. Rachel's
attention whore dog, Cow, jumped around trying to get their attention until Quinn rubbed the dog's
belly, appeasing it.
Quinn watched, strangely jealous, as Kurt and Rachel exchanged a completely sexless kiss on the
lips.
Rachel turned to Quinn and grinned. "Since I'm going to college in the fall, I'm now going to have a
head start on my requisite collegiate lesbian experience," she announced.
And with those words, Rachel Berry kissed Quinn Fabray.
It was hardly a kiss-- just Rachel's closed mouth pressed against Quinn's closed mouth. Sam's lips
were actually softer than Rachel's, but still Quinn felt something stir within her. It only lasted a few
seconds, but Quinn's eyes fluttered closed on instinct. Rachel's eyes were closed, too, but she'd
closed them deliberately before she pressed forward to kiss Quinn, fully committed to playing the part.
Once they pulled apart, Rachel laughed and Quinn finally opened her eyes.
"Sorry," Rachel said. "But it looks like I didn't turn into your prince. You still get the frog."
"You aren't a frog," Kurt and Quinn told her simultaneously.
Quinn felt her chest tighten. Kissing Rachel this time was different. The first time, Rachel had been
drunk and Quinn furious. This time, Rachel was sober, triumphant and playful and Quinn was caught-
off-guard. It wasn't supposed to mean anything-- it was a joke to Rachel, but it wasn't a joke to Quinn.
She'd only kissed four people in her entire life-- Finn, Puck, Sam and now Rachel. It wasn't like she
was Brittany, for God's sake. She wanted to ask Rachel, 'how could you kiss me and then laugh at
me?' but she didn't want to explain why she didn't feel like laughing when the reasons were unknown,
even to herself.
It was only after Rachel put the flowers into a vase and they cut into the cake that Rachel realized that
she never called Finn, her putative boyfriend, to crow about her most recent victory against life.
Kurt looked amused, but Quinn felt a little bad watching the guilty flush creep across Rachel's face. It
was clear to Quinn that Rachel had already outgrown Finn-- she just didn't know it yet.
Rachel called Finn to let him know about her acceptance. Quinn watched as Rachel rambled excitedly
for a while before nodding slightly. "Thanks. Yes, maybe we can. That'd be nice."
"What did he say?" Kurt asked.
Rachel looked a little disappointed. "He said 'congratulations, maybe we should celebrate by going to
Breadstix or something.'"
Quinn wanted to punch Finn Hudson in his face.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "I've got this," he told Rachel, giving her a cheek kiss. "Our parents are taking us
out tonight to celebrate my NYADA acceptance. I'll let him know what the appropriate boyfriend
response is."
Rachel chuckled. "Thank-you, Kurt."
"Why don't you come with us?"
Rachel shook her head. "I don't want to intrude on your family time. Have fun, Kurt. And
congratulations again. I'm so proud of you."
Kurt beamed at her. "Oh my God," he said, flapping his arms around. "We have to live together. I'm
going to start thinking of interior designs right now," he said.
Rachel laughed and clapped her hands. "It's going to be the best!"
--
Kurt stayed for a slice of cake, but then left to run back home to celebrate with his family.
"Are you and your parents going to celebrate?" Quinn asked.
Rachel shrugged.
"Your parents seem like they'd be into celebrating things."
Once again, Rachel shrugged.
Okay, so Quinn never met either of Rachel's fathers. Nor has she ever even seen a glimpse of them--
they'd never been able to make it to any of New Directions' competitions. But judging by the way the
house had been decorated on Christmas and the way Rachel went on and on about them, Quinn just
assumed Rachel's family was big into celebrations.
It was clear from the family pictures all around the house that Rachel shared a close relationship with
her parents. Sure, Quinn had been a little hurt that when Rachel had her seventeenth birthday, she
didn't get an invitation to any sort of birthday party, but from what she heard, no one did, so Quinn just
assumed that Rachel spent a quiet celebration with her fathers. And in Quinn's experience, Rachel
usually made a bigger deal about Hanukah and Christmas than her own birthday anyway.
But this was so big-- getting into NYADA was the result of so much painstaking effort and sacrifice.
Quinn thought that merited celebration.
"Are you going to do anything with your parents tonight?"
Rachel gave her a slight smile. "No…"
"Let me take you out."
Rachel's eyes widened earnestly. "Really?"
"Yeah," Quinn said. "I'll buy you dinner or something. Let's celebrate, okay?"
Rachel beamed. "Okay. Thank-you, that would be wonderful."
--
It was the least Quinn thought she could do. After all, Rachel didn't know it, but she was helping Quinn
bond with Beth and while Quinn could concede that Shelby was Beth's true mother, she at least
wanted to be a part of the life she created.
Quinn felt a little guilty for using Rachel that way, but she told herself that they actually were friends, so
Rachel would have accompanied her to the visits anyway.
--
Quinn decided that since it was Rachel's night, they ought to go to a vegan restaurant.
Honestly, she didn't think the food was that good, though Rachel was rhapsodically enthusiastic about
it. Also, Quinn was not into that hippie bullshit with soy, tapioca paste and quinoa. She didn't care
about gluten-free, either. In her world, the wheat-ier, meatier and cheesier, the better.
Still, she put her best face forward and when Rachel looked like she was going to have a foodgasm
over the vegan macaroni and cheese (which Quinn did not see the point of), Quinn tried to be a good
sport, despite the fact that the monstrosity plated before them was not macaroni and cheese.
They skipped the dessert, since they'd already had cake at Rachel's house, but they sat around
drinking coffee after their plates had been cleared.
"You'll have to visit me," Rachel said softly. "While you're at Yale. It's not so far away."
"I haven't even gotten into Yale yet," Quinn pointed out.
Rachel smiled confidently and squeezed Quinn's hand. "You will."
Quinn settled the bill and she felt a little sad when she dropped Rachel off at home that evening
because she wasn't quite ready to have the night end.
"Thank you," Rachel said quietly. "For celebrating with me."
Quinn smile crookedly. "It's kind of a big deal."
They stared at one another for a moment, but Rachel looked away first. "Well," she said quietly.
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight," Quinn said.
Rachel got out of the car and Quinn watched to make sure Rachel got into her house. Rachel opened
the door and turned around to wave at Quinn.
Quinn waved back and once the door closed behind Rachel, drove away.
As she drove, she looked into the passenger seat and noticed that Rachel left behind a white scarf.
She folded it neatly and left it on the seat.
When Quinn got home, the first thing she did was log into her computer and got on the NYADA
bookstore website. She ordered a small navy blue NYADA hoodie with NYADA emblazoned in gold
lettering and paid extra to have it shipped as quickly as possible.
--
When she got to school the next morning, Finn was at Rachel's locker with a bouquet of red roses.
Quinn had to roll her eyes because Finn was an idiot. Rachel wasn't a huge fan of the color red
because she associated it with cherry-- a flavor she hated and strawberry, a fruit she tended to avoid
in its natural form because of her tryptophobia. She liked to wear red because she looked good in it,
but when it came to flowers, Rachel preferred yellow ones (because they were close to gold) over red
ones. Quinn thought Finn should know that because even she knew that.
Still, Rachel looked excited and happy by the gesture, even though Quinn personally thought the
bouquet looked a little anemic. She also thought Finn could have put more thought into it, but maybe
she was just expecting too much from him.
"Ugh," Kurt said, coming up next to Quinn. "Where did he get those flowers? The gas station? I told
her to do something nice for her."
Santana and Brittany joined them. "I don't just call him Finnept because he sucks in bed," Santana
remarked. She turned to Brittany. "Not literally, Brit. He said guys don't do that." She snorted. "Berry is
going to have problems."
Brittany grinned and touched her forehead to Santana's. "Forget him. Give me a kiss."
Quinn could swear Santana blushed before she obliged.
Quinn hoped she would have a chance to talk with Rachel before first period, but she never did
because of Finn. She decided she'd just return Rachel's scarf later. They had all the same classes, but
she didn't want to just dump it on Rachel's desk as she walked to her own, so she held onto it.
--
Quinn happened to walk past Ms. Pillsbury's office during Nutrition when she saw a yellow flower
amidst a bouquet of flowers on her desk. Quinn glanced around and quickly crept inside and pulled out
broke off the yellow flower from its stem. She haphazardly moved leaves around the cover the empty
space and then bolted.
She saw Rachel in their classes, but she didn't get a chance to be alone with Rachel until the
beginning of lunch, when she saw Rachel at her locker.
"Hi," Quinn greeted, draping the scarf around Rachel's neck. "You left this in my car last night."
"Oh!" Rachel exclaimed. She smiled toothily. "Thank you."
"Here," Quinn said, putting the yellow flower in Rachel's hair, tucking it behind her ear.
Rachel squealed. "Quinn!" she exclaimed, rushing forward and hugging the blonde. "I love yellow
flowers."
"I know," Quinn murmured. "And did you know yellow flowers represent--"
"Friendship," Rachel interjected. "Yes, I did." She smiled up at Quinn. "Thank you, friend."
Quinn smiled back. "You're welcome, friend."
Rachel wore the flower in her hair for the rest of the day despite getting teased by people asking her if
she thought she was at a luau.
"It was a present from a friend," Rachel said, holding her head up high.
Quinn felt superior to Finn because Rachel left his bouquet in her locker. Granted, she would have
looked pretty ridiculous carrying around a bouquet of flowers, but it's not as though Rachel minded
looking ridiculous or garnering attention.
--
When Quinn got home that day, she found her letter from Yale. It was in a big envelope and she knew
immediately that she got in.
Quinn shrieked and the first person she called was Rachel, who shrieked as well. They spent five
minutes screaming into the phone at one another, which was a replay of the day before.
Quinn was just so relieved. She had a chance-- she was going to leave Lima, at least for college.
Plenty of people did come back after college, but at least this gave her a chance to leave.
She felt a little sad her mother was out of town on a business trip. She called her mom to give her the
news once she got off the phone with Rachel, and her mother sounded ecstatic.
"I'll take you out to dinner when I get home, Quinnie. I promise!"
"Thanks, mom."
--
Quinn was on the phone with her older sister, Aubrey, when her doorbell rang,
There was Rachel Berry standing there holding a bouquet of yellow roses and a cake box.
Once Quinn opened the door, Rachel began to sing.
"Boola boola, boola boola

Boola boola, boola boola
When we rough house poor old Harvard
They will holler, "Boola boo"
Oh Yale, Eli Yale! Oh Yale, Eli Yale!
Oh Yale, Eli Yale! Oh Yale, Eli Yale!"
Rachel sang 'Harvard' with a pronounced Boston accent. Once she was done, she took a tiny bow.
Quinn stared at her, flabbergasted. "What was that?"
"A Yale fight song!"
Quinn grinned at her. "You learned a Yale fight song?"
"I already knew it. I knew you would eventually have to learn. I thought I would assist in starting your
education early."
Quinn laughed. "You're so weird," she said affectionately. "Get in here."
Rachel smiled shyly and stepped inside. She passed the flowers to Quinn. "For you…friend," she said,
lowering her eyes and then peeking up at Quinn.
Quinn smiled. "Thanks, friend."
They sat down at Quinn's kitchen and Quinn opened the cakebox which turned out to hold five
cupcakes. Quinn dug into an enormous red velvet cupcake. It was delicious Rachel bought a much
smaller vegan cupcake for herself. Rachel's cupcake looked like it could be Quinn's cupcake's baby, a
fact that Quinn pointed out.
They bickered about it for a few minutes before Rachel finally admitted yes, she was absolutely trying
to make Quinn fat.
"I knew it!"
Rachel looked exasperated. "So fat and enormous," she went on, putting her hands in the air and
putting them a foot apart. "You will expand, like the universe," she said drolly. "And then. Bang! And
then all life on earth will start again. It will be the dawn of a new era."
"Oh, shut up," Quinn said with an affectionate scowl.
Rachel grinned. "I realize this may be bad timing on my part considering the conversation we just had,
but may I buy you dinner tonight to celebrate your admission to Yale?"
Rachel curtsied and then waited for Quinn's response.
Quinn laughed at the formal tone Rachel took. "You may," she said, affecting a supercilious tone. She
held her hand out, with her nose in the air.
Rachel laughed and took Quinn's hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it. "Your ladyship," she said
with a giggle.
Quinn laughed. "It's still a little early for dinner," she said softly, now speaking as she normally did. "Do
you want to hang out here and watch a movie or something?"
"I would love that."
--
When Rachel asked her where she wanted to go for dinner, Quinn tried to think about places in Lima
that could accommodate Rachel's dietary needs.
Seeing the look of concentration on Quinn's face, Rachel laughed. "Quinn, we went somewhere I
wanted to go yesterday and you clearly didn't like it. I may be vegan, but I'm not a militant vegan.
Choose anywhere you want and I guarantee I will find something I like."
Quinn settled on Dahlia's which had the best BLT sandwiches she ever tasted.
And not once did Rachel complain or make a face, even when Quinn ordered her BLT with extra, extra
bacon and she ended up eating what probably amounted to an entire baby pig.
--
The night after that was uneventful. Her mom came back from her business trip and took her out, as
promised, to dinner. Once her mother found out Rachel got into NYADA, she told Quinn to call Rachel
up and invite her along. Quinn did, but Rachel's phone was shut off and when they drove by Rachel's
house, just to check, the house was dark and all the shutters closed.
She had to admit, she was a little disappointed. But she told herself maybe Rachel was just out with
her dads, celebrating her college acceptance the way she was celebrating with her mom. She thought
about asking her mom to go that vegan restaurant again in hopes of seeing Rachel, but her desire to
see the brunette only went so far.
--
The day after that, during a visit with Beth, Shelby casually asked if they'd heard from the colleges yet-
- Shelby always asked each time, it was just that this time could have a different answer.
The huge grin on Rachel's face was all the answer Shelby needed.
Shelby clapped happily. "I'm so proud of you, Rachel!"
Rachel beamed. "Thank you." She pointed toward Quinn. "And Quinn got into Yale!" she exclaimed
with a squeal.
Shelby's eyes flickered toward Quinn. "Congratulations, Quinn."
Quinn's lips pursed for a moment before she grudgingly said "thanks."
Rachel didn't notice the sudden tension because she and Beth were rubbing their noses together while
Rachel made bear noises. Rachel wasn't a particularly believable bear because Beth was squealing
with laughter and pressed a wet, smacking kiss on Rachel's cheek which made Rachel laugh.
Quinn's heart constricted at the sight and she saw Shelby's grin widely. .
"Why don't we all go out to celebrate?" Shelby suggested. "Tonight. I'll buy you both dinner."
While Shelby was looking at Rachel for a response, Quinn was looking at Beth as a reflexive "no
thanks" almost tumbled from her lips. But she was desperate to fit in as much time with Beth as she
could. Quinn knew that she'd never survive staying in Lima-- she'd have to leave or she would never
survive having the sight of Shelby being a mother to Beth constantly shoved in her face. Even if she
stopped visiting, she'd see them around town. It was too hard. Besides, she'd have to be an idiot to
pass on Yale.
"Oh, that's okay…" Rachel started.
"I'll just have to call my mom," Quinn said at the same time. "This is the day she comes home from
work early."
Rachel and Quinn glanced at one another. Rachel looked irritated. Quinn arched an eyebrow and
Rachel made a face. Quinn pouted theatrically and Rachel sighed and tuned to Shelby with a smile.
"That would be wonderful. Thank you."
"Do you have to call your dads to let them know?"
Rachel's smile was tight. "It'll be fine."
--
Though Quinn would have preferred it if the dinner were just her, Beth and Rachel, she was still
thankful for extra time with Beth.
Shelby was so focused on talking to Rachel that Quinn got to lavish extra attention on Beth. Beth could
feed herself, but she still needed help now and then. Every time Quinn helped her, she was rewarded
with a slobbery grin and a bright, chirpy "thank you!"
Toward the end of dinner, Rachel excused herself to go to the bathroom and Beth began to cry as
Rachel stepped away. Beth flung her arms out toward Rachel, waving them in the air. "Don't go,
Rachel!"
Rachel and Shelby glanced at one another for a moment, and then Rachel shrugged, grabbed Beth
out of the high chair the restaurant provided and hefted the diaper bag on one shoulder. "I'll change
her if she needs it," Rachel said with a smile, as she walked away, bouncing Beth on her hip.
Quinn and Shelby watched Rachel walk away, identical fond smiles splitting across their faces.
Their smiles dimmed when they looked at one another.
"I want you to encourage Rachel to spend more time with me, one-on-one," Shelby said. "She listens
to you. She'll hear you out. I want this time with her before she goes to college. If I don't get this time
with her now, I'll never have my chance."
Quinn sneered at her. "You make me jump through hoops to see my daughter. Why should I make it
easier on you to see yours?"
In truth, Quinn could recognize that she was not Beth's mom, just as Shelby was not Rachel's, but she
was doing it just to poke at Shelby. It wasn't the most mature thing to do, but Shelby thought she was a
kid anyway, so Quinn thought she'd behave accordingly.
"If I get to spend some time alone with Rachel, I'll need a babysitter, and I could be convinced to allow
that to be you."
'Bitch,' Quinn thought. "Why should I encourage Rachel to spend time with you? You made it clear to
her that you aren't her mom."
"I don't want her to leave and then forget me," Shelby said quietly. "I don't want her just to walk away
from me."
Quinn scowled. "You've done that to her before and she handled it. So, you can handle it. And she
doesn't need you. She's not coming to these visits for you, she's coming for me. As my friend," she
said, knowing she was digging the knife in deeper, but she just felt possessive all of a sudden. "If I got
to visit with Beth alone, she'd still come with me and you'd never get to see her. The only reason you
get to see Rachel is because you're holding Beth for ransom from me. You didn't want her, so why are
you so set on being in her life now?"
"It's different now," Shelby said quietly. "When I was still teaching at McKinley, I got to spend time with
her. I got to see her. I've gotten to know her, a little. I don't want her to leave Lima and never talk to me
again. I need for us to get to know one another better, that way when she leaves for college, she'll still
stay in touch with me and Beth."
Quinn's jaw clenched. "You're so selfish," she hissed. "I was fine before you came back here. Rachel
was fine. You coming back ruined everything. "
Shelby swallowed hard. "Any time Rachel and I spend alone together, you can spend with Beth."
"And if Rachel refuses to spend time alone with you?"
"You will have incentives for encouraging her to get to know me."
Quinn sneered. "First you reject her, now you're bribing me with my daughter so I can talk her into
spending time with you?"
"You'll see, it's different when you actually get to be around," Shelby said quietly.
Quinn bit the inside of her cheek, but that was true. It was when she started seeing Beth around town
that she felt that need to visit and be involved in Beth's life. Once again, she started to feel a sense of
rage that Shelby decided to return to Lima.
"And regardless of what happens between Rachel and me, I believe that Beth will need you, and I'm
open to having you in her life-- I want that. As long as you understand I'm her mother. I don't want you
and Noah to miss out on Beth's life the way I missed out on Rachel's. I may already be too late, but I
have to give it a try. I just need her to give me a chance and that won't happen until we get to spend
some time alone together. I need a chance with my daughter." Shelby swallowed hard. "When I first
met her, she seemed so mature and grown-up, but the more I've been around her and gotten to know
her…she seems so young. We could have a lot of time together. But I need you to help me. Please."
Quinn was quiet as she digested this. She heaved a deep sigh. "Deal," she whispered. "But if you get
to spend time with Rachel, I get to spend time with Beth. Those are the terms. You can't back out. I'll
tell Rachel if you try, and she will hate you and never talk to you again."
Shelby looked like she was going to respond, but she lost that opportunity because Rachel and Beth
walked back to the table, hand-in-hand, singing a song Rachel apparently made up about a girl named
Rachel buying a baby named Beth a fancy new umbrella. It was so absurd, Quinn had to laugh, which
made Rachel and Beth grin.
"Quinn," Beth cooed, throwing her arms around Quinn's thigh, which caused her to bash her face into
Quinn's knee. Beth looked stunned, then confused by the blow.
Quinn immediately picked Beth up and pulled her into her lap. She kissed Beth's cheeks. "You're okay,
little one."
Beth looked like she was contemplating whether or not to cry for a moment. Then she burst into
laughter, clapping her hands. "Quinn!" She grinned. "I'm tough."
Quinn laughed. "Yeah, you're tough."
"Them's tough, too," Beth said, pointing at Shelby and Rachel.
Quinn laughed and hugged Beth. She smelled the back of Beth's neck--it always struck her how Beth
smelled exactly like she did when Quinn held her for the second time in the hospital after the nurses
cleaned her up. She knew she'd never forget that scent for the rest of her life. Even blindfolded, she
could pick her baby out in a line-up.
Every time she held Beth in her arms, she relived that moment. And then she relived leaving the
hospital without the baby she was already aching to hold again.
This was such cruelty. She didn't know how other people handled open adoptions. She didn't know
how people could bear to have children they couldn't see and hold whenever they wanted.
Beth cuddled into her for a few minutes, but she started to wiggle and then she flung her arms out to
Shelby. Reluctantly, Quinn passed Beth back to Shelby. She felt out-of-place and lonesome as Beth
cuddled into Shelby and Rachel gazed intently at Shelby as they continued on with their conversation.
Shelby, Rachel and Beth looked like the perfect little family and Quinn felt like an interloper.
--
The next day after school, Quinn's package from the NYADA bookstore arrived. She pulled out the
sweatshirt and was pleased that it looked like it did on the website.
She texted Rachel.
I have something for you
The response came within seconds. God, this girl loved presents, it was like she was starved.
What is it? Jewelry? A cruise around the world? An autographed Barbra Streisand doll with
personalized message?
Quinn rolled her eyes. Way to set the bar that high. She felt like she did when Shelby got Rachel that
gold necklace and she only got Rachel a dinky snowglobe from the Hallmark store. Okay, granted the
snowglobe was on Rachel's desk and she looked at it every day and Rachel only wore that necklace
when visiting Shelby to be polite, but still.
you'll see. Can I come over?
Quinn laughed when she saw Rachel's response.
Of course you can, my kind of friend.
--
Rachel squealed when she saw the sweatshirt and practically threw herself on Quinn. Rachel's feet
were literally off the ground and Quinn found herself supporting Rachel's weight for a moment.
"Quinn! This was so thoughtful!"
"Well, I'm sure you're going to be one of those freshman that buys out the whole store, so I thought I'd
give you a head start."
Rachel grinned crookedly. "Thank you." She swallowed hard suddenly. "I--I want to give you
something, too. Can you wait here?"
"Uh, sure."
Rachel walked out of her bedroom, Cow trotting after her. Quinn shook her head, the dog had
abandonment issues or something.
Rachel disappeared for ten minutes and Quinn wondered what the hell Rachel was doing. But
eventually, she came back, carrying a wooden box.
Quinn looked at her closely because Rachel's eyes were bright and a little red. Quinn thought it was
possible that she'd been crying, but she couldn't be sure.
"Are you okay?"
"Did I ever tell you that my dad went to Yale?" Rachel asked, not answering the question. She sat
down on her bed and leaned down to pick up Cow who was jumping up and down.
Quinn blinked. "No, you didn't. Wow. What year did he graduate?"
Rachel smiled. "1978."
"Wow."
"He's kind of an older dad. He and daddy are ten years apart."
"Oh."
"Anyway," Rachel said. "My dad has a variety of Yale paraphernalia." She paused and pulled out a
worn blue pennant with YALE emblazoned on it with white lettering with the school mascot, a bulldog.
"But he loves this most. My dad says he used to have this up in his dorm room-- he thought it brought
him good luck on his exams." She passed it to Quinn. "I'd like for you to have it."
Quinn shook her head, eyes wide. "Did you even ask your dad? What if he gets mad? If he kept it this
long, it must mean a lot to him."
Rachel held it out. "I'd really like you to have it, Quinn," she said sincerely. "Because you've had some
hard times, but I truly believe things are changing for the better for you. You worked so hard for it, and
I just know good things are going to come your way." She smiled. "And please remember that I'm a bit
psychic." She smiled again. "And since you're going to need some type of college-themed décor, I
thought you could start with this."
"You said your dad thought it brought him luck. Don't you think he needs luck?" Quinn teased.
Rachel laughed softly. "My fathers don't need luck. They have me."
"I guess that's true…" Quinn took it hesitantly. "Are you really sure?"
"Congratulations on getting into Yale, Quinn," Rachel murmured with a smile. "I knew it would
happen."
Quinn took the box containing the pennant uncertainly. "Are you really sure?"
Rachel laughed. "I know it's over thirty years old, Quinn. But I assure you, it's not a rusty relic," she
joked.
"It's not that. It's just--"
"I want you to have it," Rachel said sincerely. "Please accept it. I know you don't truly need luck.
You've always worked hard and earned everything. But I hope at a minimum, you'll see this and
consider it a source of my encouragement."
Quinn swallowed hard. "Thank you," she murmured, accepting the gift.
--
They were watching a movie on TV and one of the commercials featured a particularly cute baby
which made Quinn think of Beth, which in turn made her think of the deal she'd made with Shelby,
whom she now considered to be the devil. She knew she had to start encouraging Rachel to spend
time with Shelby.
"I think you should spend some time with your mom," Quinn said.
Rachel looked at Quinn in surprise. "Why would you say that?"
"You guys obviously enjoy spending time together--"
"Why would you say that?!"
"Oh, come off it, Rachel. I saw how you guys were last night at dinner. "
"I was being polite for you."
"Just give her a chance. You guys don't have a lot of time left together-- we're going to graduate in four
months and then you'll go to NYADA and you won't have a lot of opportunities to get to know your
mom."
"She's not really my mom, Quinn. She--"
"I just…I kind of know how she must feel. Because of Beth," Quinn said softly.
Rachel expression softened. "Oh, Quinn," she said, reaching for both of Quinn's hands. "My
relationship with Shelby is completely different from your relationship with Beth. You'll always have a
relationship with Beth-- and you're so good with her. I know you'll make a wonderful mom someday,"
she said sincerely. "Shelby and I-- we'll never really have a relationship beyond exchanging cordial
pleasantries after we have an incidental run-in and I'm okay with that."
Quinn's heart sank, because Rachel seemed pretty dead-set against spending time with Shelby one-
on-one and Quinn desperately wanted to have some alone time with Beth. She knew her time with
Beth would be dependent on how much time Rachel would allow Shelby to spend with her and that her
time alone would be directly proportional to the length of time Rachel agreed to spend with Shelby.
"You're my friend," Quinn said quietly. "But I just really get where Shelby is coming from."
"Quinn, believe me. These feelings you're projecting onto Shelby? They do not exist. She's not like
you. She doesn't want to spend time with me. When she came back to McKinley and she came to talk
to me, I thought maybe we could have a relationship, but she didn't even tell me she was leaving.
Believe me, she doesn't care about me the way you care about Beth. I don't mean anything to her."
"What about that present she got you? The necklace?"
Rachel shrugged. "She got me a glass, but she walked away. What's the difference? Trust me, Quinn.
She doesn't care about me."
Quinn wanted to tell Rachel about the deal she made with Shelby-- for whatever reason, she thought
that Rachel would go along with it if she knew. But Quinn wasn't accustomed to people doing things for
her out of the kindness of their hearts. Though some part of her believed that Rachel would help her
out if Quinn just explained everything, there was a larger part of her that told her no one ever did
anything just to be nice. And another part whispered that if she came clean with Rachel, Rachel would
be furious and not only would she lose Rachel's friendship (a thought that made her throat clench up),
but Rachel would refuse to go along to the visits which would likely make Shelby nix any further time
with Beth. Quinn didn't want to lose everything.
"What if I arranged for something between the two of you?" Quinn said. "Like, a coffee date or
something."
Rachel looked exasperated. "Quinn…"
"I just feel for her," Quinn lied. In actuality, she loathed Shelby and didn't give a shit.
Rachel smiled sincerely. "Okay," she finally said. "For you. If she's open to that, then fine, since you
seem to feel so much empathy for her and you've been very tenacious about this."
The way Rachel said "for you" almost made Quinn confess everything, but she didn't.
--
Shelby sounded thrilled when Quinn told her she was calling to arrange for a coffee date with Rachel.
"But she's on the fence," Quinn said. "So if you don't let me babysit Beth when you and Rachel hang
out, then I'll just tell Rachel you didn't want to spend time with her and you won't ever get time with
her."
"If you sabotage my time with my daughter," Shelby hissed. "Don't think I'll allow you any unsupervised
time with Beth. You're still proving yourself to me and trying to sabotage what limited time I have with
Rachel will not convince me you're healthy enough to be around Beth by yourself."
Quinn rolled her eyes because that was the opposite of what Shelby told her just the day before.
"I got you what you wanted," Quinn said flatly. "Now give me what I want. Or if you don't, I'll swear to
God I'll make sure Rachel hates you."
--
Shelby didn't trust Quinn alone in her home yet, so Shelby dropped Beth off at Quinn's house. Quinn
thought this was even better.
She smiled when Beth put her arms up into the air, gesturing for Quinn to pick her up.
"Hi angel," Quinn murmured, rubbing her nose against Beth's. Beth really seemed to love it when
people did that to her.
"Quinn," Beth yelped happily. "Quinn! Hi Quinn!"
A chubby pair of arms wrapped around Quinn's neck, and she never felt more content.
--
Rachel didn't relish the thought of spending time alone with Shelby, but she wasn't completely
opposed to it, either. She was doing it more for Quinn who, for whatever reason, seemed to feel sorry
for Shelby or something.
Still, it was kind of nice to know that Shelby did agree to spend time with her, even if it was neither of
their ideas, and all Quinn's doing.
She gently declined Shelby's offer to pick her up-- Rachel was used to getting herself from point A to
point B, and she did not relish the idea of being stuck in a car with Shelby if things didn't go well.
She was assuming that things would be civil, but she was also assuming that things would be
awkward and Rachel didn't want to subject herself to that more than she had to.
"I'm sorry I'm late," Rachel apologized as she took a seat across from Shelby at the Lima Bean. She'd
been late because she circled the block twice before finally parking.
Shelby smiled. "It's okay. I wouldn't want you to rush while you're driving."
Rachel smiled back. "Thanks."
Once they sat down, there was nothing to say. Rachel bit her lip and she glanced at the menu at the
wall, trying not to look as awkward as she felt.
"What do you want to drink?" Shelby asked earnestly. "I'll get it for you."
Rachel shook her head. "It's okay," she said, getting up again. "I can get it. I'll be right back."
"Wait," Shelby said. "Let me give you some money," she said, reaching for her purse.
"No, really," Rachel said. "It's not necessary."
She smiled at Shelby and walked away to stand in line. She was used to paying her own way, but she
also loved it when someone cared enough for her to treat her. But the subject of mothers was always a
delicate one in her family-- she'd never had one, her daddy lost his mother when he was very young so
he didn't grow up with a mother either and her dad's mother kicked him out of the house when he was
fifteen.
She'd always felt compelled to assure her fathers that they were enough, that she didn't need a
mother. Some part of her always longed for one, but Shelby had proven to be less than reliable, and
she didn't want to spit on all her fathers had done for her by accepting any kind of maternal gesture
from Shelby-- like paying for her coffee.
When she came back to the table, Shelby gave her a warm smile and Rachel blushed under the
attention, though she cursed herself for it when she felt the heat from her cheeks. She had to admit
that attention was really nice.
"What did you get?" Shelby asked when Rachel sat down.
"A vanilla latte with almond milk," Rachel answered quietly.
Shelby nodded slightly. "How long have you been a vegan?"
"Since I was eleven," Rachel explained. "I'll indulge now and then-- Finn and I went bowling once and
he ordered me a slice of pepperoni pizza and I didn't want to make him feel bad, so I ate it anyway."
Rachel grimaced. "I didn't like it though. Oh, and a few days ago, when I took Quinn out to Dahlia's, I
got a salad and even though I specifically asked them to leave the chicken off, they forgot, so I just ate
around it. Quinn took it home with her in her to-go box because she said the chicken was the most
expensive part of the salad and it was wasteful not to take it home."
Shelby looked intently at her. "Was it Quinn's idea to go to Dahlia's? Even though you're vegan?"
"Well, we were celebrating her getting into Yale, so I wanted her to choose. When she took me out, we
went to a vegan restaurant. She's very considerate."
"Hmm," Shelby said. "So are you girls close? I knew you were friends, but I didn't think you were so
chummy."
Rachel shrugged. "I don't think we'll ever be the best of friends. But we've been able to…reach an
understanding. I--I think I would consider her one of my good friends." She paused. "She-- she's better
now, Shelby. She's not trying to sabotage you. She's not trying to replace you as Beth's mother. She
just wants to be a part of Beth's life. I--I think you should trust her. Everything she did to you was
because she loved Beth so much, she just didn't know how to deal with it. But she is, she's better
now," Rachel said earnestly, wanting so much for Shelby to believe her.
"Mmm," Shelby said, not wanting to discuss it any further. "So, do you have a best friend?" she asked,
wanting to get to know Rachel better.
Rachel smiled. "My dads are my best friends," she said softly.
"Are your fathers vegan? They weren't when I met them. They were fairly committed meat-and-
potatoes men."
Rachel smiled. "My fathers support me in every way imaginable," she said with a fond smile. She
paused. "What were they like when you met them?" she asked quietly.
Shelby smiled wryly. "Is this you asking me for details you can blackmail them with?" she teased.
The question made Rachel rear back, as if slapped. "I would never do that," she said, looking
wounded. "They're good parents. I respect them. I'd never--"
"Honey, I was teasing," Shelby said, reaching across the table to put her hand on Rachel's arm. "I'm
sorry," she soothed. "I know you would never do that."
Rachel nodded slightly. "Okay," she said, but she pulled back so she sat all the way back against the
back of her chair.
"Jack was very quiet, but sweet," Shelby recalled. "He took good care of me while I was pregnant
because he was so worried about you. He was always very kind to me. He remembered all of my
favorite foods when he'd visit me and stock my refrigerator."
Rachel smiled and bit her lower lip. "That sounds like him."
"Stuart was personable. He talked a lot with his hands," Shelby said, waving her hands around to
demonstrate. "He was excitable. He was buying you gender-neutral clothing before I was even out of
the first trimester, because we didn't know your gender yet."
Rachel laughed softly. "His fashion sense is terrible," she murmured.
Shelby grinned at her. "Do you get along with them?" she asked quietly.
Rachel eyes were very dark, very serious. "They're the best parents I could have ever asked for. No
one could have ever asked for better."
Shelby swallowed hard, but she smiled happily. "That's all I ever wanted for you."
Rachel smiled back. "Thank you," she said sincerely. "My fathers are good men and they're even
better parents. You couldn't have given me to better people. Thank you for giving me to them."
Shelby nodded, feeling her heart clench. No matter her motivations for answering the ad, she always
wanted the child she carried to have a good home and loving parents. When she spent endless nights
in New York crying over her baby, she thought about how her child would have a warm bed, good food
to eat and parents who loved her. That didn't make the loss any easier to bear, but at least she knew
her baby was safe and loved.
"So, what have your parents been up to lately? I'm sure some things must have changed over the last
seventeen years."
Rachel gave her a slight smile. "They're fine. Great."
Shelby got the sense Rachel was hesitant to talk about them, so she changed the topic.
They chatted a little longer about inconsequential things until Rachel finished her coffee first. She
rolled the empty coffee cup between her two hands, biting her lower lip nervously. They haven't been
gone very long-- they'd only talked for thirty minutes and Rachel was ready to go home. But she knew
Quinn was babysitting Beth, and she also knew Quinn wanted more time with Beth. She thought Quinn
would appreciate a little more time, so despite the fact Rachel wanted to flee, she remained seated at
the table, her knee bouncing nervously as she waited for Shelby to finish her coffee.
"Rachel," Shelby said after she finished the dregs of her coffee. "The two dollar theatre is showing
Funny Girl, do you want to see if we can catch a screening?"
"Yes," Rachel agreed promptly, before she realized it because hello, it was Barbra. But then she
realized what she was agreeing to, and winced. "Wait. No. No. I mean." She swallowed hard at the
hopeful smile that Shelby gave her. "I--o-okay," she agreed.
Shelby raised an eyebrow, uncharacteristically patient with such indecisive stuttering. "Are you sure?"
Rachel thought of Quinn and how lost Quinn became over Beth. She knew Quinn would need this
time. Friendship was about give-and-take and Rachel could admit she was the classic spoiled only
child. She thought it was time for her to think of someone else. Quinn was still lost and maybe this
way, Rachel could find her.
"Yes, please," Rachel agreed quietly.
Shelby smiled. "Let me text Quinn to let her know I'll be later than I thought. And then we can go."
"Okay," Rachel agreed. "Tell her to have fun with Beth."
Shelby gave her a stilted smile. "I will."
--
God, Rachel knew she'd never get tired of watching Funny Girl. She wasn't exactly happy to be sitting
next to Shelby in the theatre, but at the moment, it really didn't matter. She knew she'd always love this
movie.
Afterward, they stood next to one another in the lobby of the theatre, peering out of the glass doors at
the darkened street. Shelby looked up at the sky.
"It looks cold," Shelby said needlessly.
After all, it was February in Ohio. Of course it was cold.
"Yes," Rachel agreed awkwardly.
Before Rachel knew what was happening, Shelby reached out and adjusted the scarf around Rachel's
neck. Rachel swallowed hard at the very parental gesture.
"It's cold, try to stay warm," Shelby said. She fixed the hat Rachel was wearing so that her ears were
covered.
"I'm just walking to my car," Rachel muttered.
"Even still."
Rachel gave her a slight smile. "Okay. Well, thank you."
They hadn't talked during the movie, though they did exchange a few smiling glances at certain points
in the movie. Shelby had insisted on paying for her ticket, and yes, it was only two dollars, but it felt
really nice. Now they were saying goodbye, and it was a little awkward, but not as excruciating as
Rachel anticipated.
"I had a good time," Shelby said. "What do you think about making this a regular thing?"
Rachel looked at her blankly. "Seeing Funny Girl here? I don't think it's going to be showing here for
much longer."
Shelby smiled. "Spending time together," she corrected.
Rachel blinked, surprised by the offer. Very little in her interaction with Shelby made Rachel believe
Shelby had any desire to do that. "I--uh…can I…can I think about it?"
"Sure," Shelby said, though she blinked like she'd just been struck. "Do you think it would be better if I
called and spoke to your fathers?"
Rachel shook her head rapidly. "No, no. It's fine. They…they let me make my own decisions. It's fine.
I…I'll let you know the next time Quinn and I come out to see Beth."
Shelby smiled. "Take your time, honey. I'll be around."
'Really?' Rachel thought skeptically. Her experience with Shelby pointed to the contrary, but she
decided not to be petty and mean. The evening had been enjoyable enough and she didn't want to
bring it down.
"Well, thank you," Rachel said.
"I'll walk you to your car."
"O-okay."
They walked in silence until they reached Rachel's black Prius.
"Well, this is me," Rachel said. "So…" she trailed off awkwardly.
"Drive safe," Shelby said softly. She reached out to lightly squeeze Rachel's shoulder.
"Thanks," Rachel said, smiling. "You, too."
--
Rachel went home and the first thing she did was get a glass of water and drink the contents rapidly.
She then refilled her glass again and walked through the dark house up to her room.
She was doing some homework when she got a text from Quinn.
Shelby just left with Beth. Thanks for taking one for the team and spending time with her.
-- Q
Rachel smiled and realized she did the right thing by making sure Quinn would have a chance to
spend with Beth.
I'm glad you got to spend time with her. How was it?
The reply came immediately.
Amazing.
A lump rose up in Rachel's throat and she blinked back tears. She didn't know why she was getting so
emotional and she harshly reproached herself for getting teary.
I'm glad. I'll see you tomorrow, Quinn
Rachel set her phone on her nightstand and then walked to her bathroom to get ready for bed.
--
When she got to school the next day, Finn was waiting by her locker.
The sight of him could still make her smile, but the truth was, she didn't feel for him what she used to.
She planned on getting out of Lima the day after graduation and he didn't mind spending the rest of his
life in the house he grew up in. They were going nowhere together.
"Hi, Rach," he greeted, kissing her cheek.
She smiled and accepted the arm he offered her.
"So, it's Valentine's Day tomorrow," he said.
"It is," she acknowledged.
"What do you want me to do?"
She suppressed a sigh because one of the things she found most exasperating about him as a
boyfriend was that he was lazy at wooing. She had high expectations, but she'd accept way less if he'd
only put forth a little effort. She wouldn't be so demanding if he'd at least show he cared, even a little.
"I don't know," she admitted. "It doesn't matter. Maybe we can just have dinner and watch a movie."
He grinned at her. "I really want to see that Gingerbread Man versus Yeti movie."
She wanted to roll her eyes. "Maybe," she said. That was the last movie she'd ever want to see.
Finn thought she was selfish for always pushing her agenda and demanding presents and attention,
but she thought he was selfish because their dates usually comprised of what he wanted to do. If they
did something she wanted, he tended to grouse the whole time which did not make it enjoyable. She
thought demanding attention was a fair trade-off for doing things he wanted to do on dates.
--
She exited her first period class and waited by the door for Quinn who sat a few rows behind her and
therefore got out of the classroom later.
Quinn linked their arms together as they walked to their second class.
"So, I was thinking. When we go visit Beth this week, maybe we could bring a game or something.
What do you think?"
"I think that's a great idea. But she's not even two yet. What kind of games are there for kids who aren't
even two yet?"
Quinn shrugged. "I'm not sure," she admitted. "I thought maybe we could get together and go to
Toys'R'Us today after school and look around. Would that be okay with you?"
Rachel smiled. "Of course."
"It's a date, then."
"Yes," Rachel smiled. "A date."
"What's a date?" Finn asked, falling into step next to Rachel. He put his arm around Rachel's shoulder,
effectively pulling Rachel out of Quinn's grasp.
The blonde shot him a look of fury before she reminded herself she had no reason to be so upset and
deliberately took a deep breath.
"I have plans with Quinn after school today to look for a gift for Beth," Rachel said with a smile.
"Oh. Cool." Finn said. "Rach, can I talk to you?"
"Sure," Rachel said. "But right now? We have to get to class and there's not very much time left, Finn.
And although I value and cherish every moment with you, you know how I also value and cherish
punctuality."
"It's important," Finn said. "Please."
"Of course," Rachel said slowly, a little unnerved by his tone and the look on his face. She exchanged
a look with Quinn first and then followed Finn to the janitor's closet.
The bell to announce second period rang. The once loud hallway outside went quiet.
--
He gave her a big smile once he turned on the light. "Baby," he said. "I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I…I know I'm not smart enough to get a scholarship--"
"You're smart," Rachel protested.
Maybe not in the most traditional ways, but…
"It's okay, Rach," he said. "I know I'm not smart enough to get a scholarship. We both know I'll never
play college ball and I don't think I want to. And I'm not like you or Kurt-- I'm not ever going to get into a
school like NYADA--"
"Finn, I don't like it when you put yourself down like this. You're so talented and wonderful--"
"Let me finish," he said quickly. "I know I'm not the guy who has his future lined up already. I can't join
the Army-- I can't do that to my mom. So I don't know what I'm going to do now. But I…I love you,
Rachel. And I…I'm going to follow you to New York. It may not be in the fall when you go to NYADA,
but I'll get there. I promise. After graduation, I'm going to keep working for Burt, get a second job and
save up some money so that when I move to New York, even if I don't find a job right away, I'll be
okay. I won't mooch off you and Kurt. I just…please I need to know you'll wait for me. I want this to
work. You going to college doesn't have to change anything. I love you but I need to know you won't
leave me behind. Please don't leave me behind."
Rachel's eyes were wide. "Finn, I…I don't know where you're going with this. I…"
Finn gave her a wide, hopeful smile and got down on one knee. "This isn't the way I planned this. I
wanted to do this tomorrow, so you could tell people that it happened on Valentine's Day. But I…I
couldn't wait anymore! I need to ask you."
Rachel felt enveloped by panic. "Finn---"
Finn reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring box. He opened it. "Will you marry me?" he asked
softly. "I know, it's not going to be right away. You'll want to wait until after you graduate from college.
But that's okay. I can wait as long as you need. But please. Just…will you be my wife?"
"Finn," Rachel whispered starkly.
"You going away to college doesn't have to change anything!" Finn exclaimed desperately. "We can
still be me and you. Just-- promise me, you'll marry me. Marry me," he pleaded.
"Finn--"
"My dad gave my mom this ring. I…promise, one day, Rach. I'll buy you a ring of your own. But today,
take this one."
Rachel's eyes welled up. Once upon a time, this was her dream. But it wasn't anymore.
"No," Rachel said shaking her head and taking a step back.
Finn's face crumpled. "Rachel--"
"It's too much, it's too soon."
That seemed to invigorate him. "No, it's not like that. I'm not saying now. We can wait until you
graduate NYADA. Just…take this ring. Agree to wait for me. Be mine forever. We're meant to be
together, you know we are. I'm Danny and you're Sandy."
Rachel shook her head. "No. No. I can't. This…this isn't right."
This was all wrong. The metaphor was all wrong. She didn't want to be Sandy who, by the end of the
movie, was just the average 1950's ho. She didn't want to be the girl that changed herself to get the
guy. She didn't want the guy who would expect her to change to have him, and the more she thought
about it, the more she realized, that yes, she had been the Sandy to his Danny, but she didn't want to
be Sandy anymore. She wouldn't mind playing Sandy as a role, but in the story of her own life, she
wanted to write her own starring role, not model herself after someone else.
"Yes, it is! What's not right about it? I love you! You love me!"
Perversely enough, Rachel envisioned a purple dinosaur. This inadvertently made her smile slightly
which angered Finn. He stood to his full height. He towered over her, and she cringed at the look on
his face.
"Don't laugh at me!"
"I wasn't! I…Finn, I love you so much. But this, this isn't right. We can't predict the future and I…I can't,
Finn. I have to say no."
Finn's eyes were furious. "What can't you predict? Were you planning on breaking up with me?" he
demanded.
"No! But--"
"Then what?! Why can't you say you'll marry me?!"
"Finn, we're too young and--"
"It's a yes or no, question, Rachel." Finn said lowly. "Will you marry me?"
Rachel winced and shut her eyes. She took a deep breath. "No," she said softly.
Finn sneered at her. "Get out," he growled.
"Finn--"
"Get out."
"Baby."
"I said get out!" he shouted.
He grabbed her by her back, trapping some of her hair. She cried out, her hand reaching back to try to
free the trapped strands. He pushed her, skidding on her heels, to the door. He threw the door open
and shoved her, violently, out of the door, while she continued to protest.
Rachel fell onto her knees. Crying, she turned around to see the door slam and heard the sounds of
Finn, screaming, crying and slamming his fists against the door.
Rachel crawled to the door and banged on it with her flat palm. "Finn," she sobbed. "Please! Stop it!
You'll hurt yourself. Finn!" she shouted, as she continued to slam on the door. "Stop! Please! I'm sorry!
Please stop!"
Doors to classrooms opened and people began to look out into the hallway, curious about all the
commotion.
"Fuck you, Rachel! Fuck you!" Finn half screamed, half sobbed from the other side of the door. "You
fucking bitch! You think you're too good for me?! You fucking whore! I thought you loved me!"
"Finn," Rachel cried pleadingly. "I'm sorry! I do love you! I'm so sorry!"
Rachel felt thin arms wrap around her. She turned her head and realized it was Quinn kneeling beside
her.
"Are you okay?" Quinn asked frantically. "Are you hurt? Did he hurt you?"
Rachel could not respond. She just buried her face into Quinn's neck and clung to her.
Mr. Schuester and Coach Bieste managed to get Finn out of the janitor's closet and took him, still
sobbing, to Principal Figgins.
Quinn retrieved Rachel's backpack from inside the closet and helped Rachel to her feet. She slung
Rachel's backpack on one shoulder while keeping her own on the other. She shielded Rachel's face
from the prying eyes of students, faculty and staff.
When Jacob Ben Israel shoved his camera toward Rachel, asking, "what's the scoop on Finchel,
Rachel?" Quinn shoved the camera out of his hands so that it clattered to the ground and gave it a
solid kick so that is skidded on the floor before slamming into a wall.
"If I see anyone posting any video of this," Quinn said, glaring fiercely at Jewfro. "I'm going to hold you
personally responsible and I will make sure you're incapable of having little Jacobs running around. Is
that clear?"
He swallowed nervously and nodded.
"Come on, honey," Quinn whispered to Rachel. "I'll take you home."
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sulkygeekff
January 16th, 2012
Rachel cried the entire drive back to her house. Quinn pulled out Rachel's house
keys and managed to get the door opened. She shut the door and locked it and then led Rachel
upstairs. But surprisingly, instead of going to her room, Rachel went to master bedroom and collapsed
in a heap in her fathers' bed, still crying.
Uncomfortable, Quinn hesitated for a moment before she climbed in beside Rachel. She spooned
Rachel and felt Rachel's body tremble.
It took a long while for the crying to subside.
--
When Rachel finally managed to stop crying, she sniffled and wipes at her eyes with the palms of her
hands.
"Thank you, Quinn," she said quietly.
Quinn swallowed hard. "What happened?"
Rachel's eyes welled up again. Her eyes were so swollen and red, Quinn wondered if she could see.
"He hates me so much now," she whispered.
"What happened?"
"He…he asked me to marry him," Rachel said quietly.
Quinn's jaw dropped. Finn Hudson, that idiot.
"I…I said no. It's…it's too much. It's too soon. I'm seventeen. It's not like it was when people lived to be
forty and twenty was considered to be middle-aged. I could live to be a hundred and I'm only going to
get married once. But it's…it's too soon for me to say yes. I…I don't know. I love him. I do. But I
haven't felt for him the way I used to in a long time and I just…I was kind of relieved I'd get to leave
him behind when I went to NYADA to think about things!" Rachel grimaced. "Oh God, I'm such a
terrible person."
"You aren't," Quinn said quietly. "You were just being realistic. Proposing is crazy. He was crazy for
doing it, and no matter what you said to him, the way he was behaving today was out of line. You
didn't deserve that."
Rachel sniffled. "Yes, I did. He had every right to be angry."
"Yeah, but he didn't have to throw a tantrum like an overgrown man-child."
Rachel sniffled again. "It's okay."
"Did he hurt you?" Quinn asked. "He was so out of control…"
Rachel shook her head. "He pushed me into the hallway and then closed the door. Nothing happened.
He's not like that."
He'd never raised a hand to her while they were dating, but Quinn always got the impression that if he
were truly angry enough, he'd hit first and think about it later. The situation would have to be pretty
extreme to get a guy like Finn Hudson to hit a girl-- life-or-death situation, zombie apocalypse or
maybe something as mundane as a broken heart over a rejected marriage proposal. In any case,
there were men who hit women, men like her father; men who would only hit women in only a life or
death scenario and men who would hit a woman if he were angry enough and Quinn had always
believed Finn fell firmly into that last camp.
Quinn looked around for some tissues, but couldn’t find any. She thought about going into the en suite
bathroom to get some toilet paper, but instead she chose to wipe at Rachel's eyes with the sleeve of
her white cardigan sweater.
"Quinn, you'll get it dirty," Rachel protested.
"It's fine," Quinn said. She pulled her sleeve to the middle of her palm and dabbed below Rachel's
eyes, soaking up her tears. "There," she said softly. "You almost look human again."
Rachel gave her a watery smile. "I promised you a date today," Rachel said quietly. "I'll make myself
presentable and then we can go."
"We don't have to--"
"I want to," Rachel said. "I always try to keep my promises." She got off her fathers' bed and walked
out of the room toward her own bedroom. Quinn followed behind her and waited while Rachel spent a
long time in her en suite bathroom. Quinn could hear muffled crying, and contemplated going inside,
but she thought maybe Rachel just needed some time alone to cry, so she waited.
--
They couldn't find any games for children as young as Beth, at least, not in the traditional sense, but
they settled on a toy tea set, since Beth seemed to have an active imagination.
"It'll be the best tea party ever," Rachel joked, smiling weakly.
"That sounds great," Quinn said quietly.

--
The next morning, Quinn walked into school and she thought her heart stopped when she saw two
jocks throw two Slushies in Rachel's face-- one blue and the other red.
The hallway erupted into laughter, and for the very first time, ever, Rachel cried audibly immediately
after being Slushied.
Quinn followed Rachel into the bathroom where she was wiping off Slushie from her face.
"Those guys are assholes," Quinn said, her voice shaking with fury.
Rachel wiped at her eyes. "I'm not sure why you have such a problem with it now," she said, her voice
cold. "I thought this was a sight you once enjoyed. Quite immensely, I imagine."
Quinn swallowed hard. That was a slap in the face. "What?" she whispered.
Rachel's eyes were hard and she squeezed Slushie out of her hair. "You used to enjoy this, right? You
used to laugh when I got Slushied. You used to be all too happy to hurl a beverage in my face. So why
aren't you laughing now?"
Quinn blinked back tears. "Because it's not funny."
Rachel snorted. "Would you be more amused if it were three Slushies instead of just two? Does it have
to be more than three to have comedic value with you? Or should it be just one Slushie per attack,
spaced out throughout the day so that I've already changed clothing with the next Slushie attack?"
"Wh-where is this coming from?"
"Just leave me alone, Quinn," Rachel said wearily.
"Let me help you," Quinn said, moving closer and reaching to touch Rachel's hair. "I'll help you wash it
out and get you an extra outfit or something and--"
"Just leave me alone."
"But--
"Leave me alone!"
Quinn stormed out of the bathroom. She caught the eye of one of the guys who Slushied Rachel and
stalked over, seething. They were still laughing.
The jocks lost their smiles.
"I'm going to end both of you in this school," she hissed. "You're both done, bottom-feeders."
--
Quinn got called into the principal's office during third period. Rachel was already there, cleaned up.
"Miss Fabray," Principal Figgins stated. "You were marked absent from your classes yesterday. Do
you have a letter from a parent providing an excused absence?"
Quinn stared at him in disbelief.
"I already explained to you that Quinn was taking me home." Rachel said, her voice low and
moderated. "And I already said she was just trying to help me. Why are you calling her in here?"
"Miss Fabray, can you provide an excuse as to your whereabouts yesterday in your classes from third
period onward?"
"I--I took her home. Like she said."
"And that took the rest of your day?"
Quinn stared at him, unable to believe that he'd think she'd just drop Rachel off at home and dump her
at her doorstep.
"Look," Quinn said, irritated. "I ditched to take Rachel home and I stayed with her."
"An unexcused absence is a truancy. A truancy is punished with detention. Ms. Fabray, you will have
detention for the rest of the week with Ms. Berry."
"That's not fair!" Rachel cried out. "She was just taking care of me. I already told you, I accept
detention as my punishment for leaving campus yesterday without permission. You shouldn't be giving
her detention, give it to me. I'm the reason she left yesterday!"
"Miss Berry, I already explained to you that's not how it works."
Rachel sighed with exasperation.
"A letter has been sent to your parents and the school has left phone messages with your parents
informing them of this disciplinary action."
"That's not fair," Rachel said. "You can't do that to Quinn. I--"
"Rach, it's fine, really," Quinn said. She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I'd do it again," she
said defiantly. "I'm not going to apologize for it. Are we done?"
"You're dismissed."
"But--" Rachel protested. "No! You can't do that to Quinn."
"Miss Berry, I'm at the end of my patience for you."
"Don't 'Miss Berry' me!" Rachel exclaimed. "You sound like a thirteen year old boy who just got out of
juvenile detention! What you're doing is not fair!"
"Miss Berry, I'm warning you."
"But--"
"Miss Fabray, get a hold of your friend before I am forced to take drastic action."
"Don't speak to Quinn like that! You--"
"Come on, Rach," Quinn said softly, gently pulling on Rachel's arm. She felt Rachel relax almost
instantly and the brunette gave in.
They left Figgins's office.
Once they were in the hallway, Rachel released a breath. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "For snapping at
you earlier. It was so uncalled for. I was upset."
"It's okay," Quinn said quietly. "I understood. Thanks for trying to defend me. No one's ever really gone
that far for me." She paused. "Today is Valentine's Day," she said shyly.
"Yes, it is…"
"I know whatever you were planning with Finn is probably not going to happen. Do you want to have a
girls' night with me?"
Rachel smiled brilliantly. "Really? You still…want to be friends?"
Quinn smiled. "Pick you up at six," she said, linking arms with Rachel so they could walk to their third
period class together.
--
Quinn brooded about this whole Rachel Berry situation in her mind while Mr. Chang (God, the Asian
population in Lima, was like, 1% , if that, and they were all called Chang) droned on about the turmoil
of the 1960s.
Quinn never really had many friends in her life. Brittany was more Santana's and Santana was more of
a frienemy than a straight-out friend. She loved them the way she loved her sister-- unconditionally,
but from a distance. Kurt and Mercedes were more just for fun-- not someone she would bear her
heart to except in the most extraordinary circumstances, like homelessness or a sick parent. The other
gleeks were more…close acquaintances.
Rachel had managed to morph herself into this whole new category of friendship, and Quinn realized
how badly she'd been craving that sort of friend all these years. Quinn was lonely and Rachel touched
something deep within her. Even more importantly, Rachel was good with Beth, who truly was the
heart and spirit of Quinn.
Quinn glanced at Rachel, who was focused on the lesson and taking copious notes.
'You're important to me,' Quinn thought as she gazed at the brunette. She swallowed hard because it
was true.
Quinn stared at Rachel, almost daring her to turn. But Rachel was too focused on the lesson.
--
She didn't want to put a label on herself, since she'd been given so many in the past two years-- things
like, disgrace, pregnant slut, whore.
She didn't think she was gay, not the way Kurt and Santana were gay. But she'd always felt not quite
straight, too. It was never to such an extreme that she thought it would be a problem. She always
thought she'd like guys enough that she would never have any regrets about not experimenting with
any girls.
That was actually okay with her because she honestly found the idea of going down on another girl a
little nauseating. But then again, the thought of going down on a guy made her want to throw up, so
maybe she just needed to avoid oral sex in general, not that that would endear her to either genders.
But lately, she couldn't look at Rachel without thinking about how important the brunette had become
to her.
She thought back to those two times when they'd shared kisses and replayed them in her mind. Even
though neither of those kisses could have been deemed 'real' kisses, they'd both stirred something in
her.
She couldn't stop feeling guilty she was basically using Rachel to spend more time with Beth.
Her stomach got a funny feeling when Rachel smiled at her, but she could never resist smiling back.
When Rachel laughed, Quinn's heart felt lighter.
She didn't think they would ever be anything more than friends-- it would probably take Rachel until the
end of the school year to really get over Finn. And Quinn didn't think she'd feel this way about Rachel
forever, so there was no point in doing anything about it.
They'd graduate, leave Lima and move to different states. Sure, they'd visit each other, text, exchange
emails and talk on the phone. Social media being what it is, Quinn thought it was pretty impossible to
completely escape. They'd probably always be in some kind of limited contact. But eventually, they'd
drift, meet people, fall in love. They'd invite each other to one another's weddings-- maybe even be in
the wedding as a maid of honor or bridesmaid or something.
But Quinn didn't actually think she and Rachel would ever be more than friends. Quinn doubted she'd
ever let herself go there with any girl. Her life had already experienced so many detours, she doubted
her ability to handle the detour to Gay-town or even Bi-town. Not even Opportunistically Bicurious
town.
But sometimes, when she lied in bed at night and thought about her future, she pictured herself sitting
with Rachel and Beth on a blanket covering a patch of hardwood floor in a big house having an indoor
picnic. Granted Shelby was uncharitably deceased in this scenario so Quinn had her baby back, but
still, the image she had of her future included Rachel.
And it was a happy one.
Sometimes, Quinn allowed herself to hold onto that and smile. But mostly, she tried to be realistic and
pictured she and Rachel growing further and further apart until it was just the occasional holiday e-card
when they even remembered to send one to each other
The thought made her sad and instilled this need to take what she could, when she had it. She was
getting ready for a famine.
So, that night when she made dinner reservations, put on a nice dress, bought yellow roses and some
vegan chocolates, it was for no other motivation other than to give her friend a nice night while they
could still spend time together.
And for one night, she pushed aside thoughts about surrogate mothers and babies given away for
adoption.
--
She showed up at Rachel's house wearing a pale yellow dress carrying a bouquet of yellow roses. She
kind of regretted pairing yellow with yellow for aesthetic reasons (it seemed like overkill), but she
thought she looked good in the dress when she wasn't holding the flowers like some dork who worked
in the yellow section of the Crayola factory.
Rachel was wearing a pale blue dress when she answered the door. She beamed when she saw the
roses and the chocolates.
"Quinn!" she exclaimed, pulling the other girl inside. "Come in!"
"Hi, Rachel," Quinn said, offering her gifts.
Rachel accepted them with a wide grin. "I have presents for you as well. Please come inside and have
a seat."
"Sure," Quinn said, bending down first to pet Rachel's dog who'd run up to greet her and was now
grinning at her and wagging his tail.
He was a friendly little mutt, but a real attention whore. 'Like Rachel,' Quinn thought and she
immediately felt like a bad person for it.
Quinn followed Rachel into the living room and sat down on the couch where a bouquet of mixed
flowers and a wrapped cylindrical present were waiting for her.
"You didn't have to," Quinn said softly.
Rachel looked highly offended. "Quinn, that would be very bad etiquette."
Quinn bit back a smile, but couldn't resist laughing. She turned her head to the side, out of politeness
or embarrassment or instinct or something, she wasn't quite sure. But as she did, she caught sight of a
picture on one of the end tables. It wasn't the first time she'd seen the picture, but the sight of Rachel
smiling into the camera with two missing front teeth on her fifth birthday wearing a witch's hat in the
middle of December and improbably clutching an Easter basket in one hand and a pink toy gun in the
other, never failed to make her smile. The sight of it now only made Quinn laugh harder and seeing
Quinn laugh at the picture again made Rachel huff.
"Now you can't have your other present," she said, grinning and trying to reach for the still-wrapped
gift.
"No way," Quinn said, grabbing at the black-wrapped gift with the red bow on top. "Give me!"
"No way," Rachel said, mocking Quinn's tone.
They playfully pulled it back and forth before Rachel finally let go, with a big grin. "I guess you can
have it, since I made it just for you," she said, acquiescing theatrically.
"A homemade present? One of your homemade presents? Maybe you can have it back," Quinn said
with a smile, but she started to open it anyway.
She peeled off the wrapping paper to find a clear airtight container of white popcorn with bits of bacon
in it.
"It's bacon popcorn," Rachel said with a large grin. "I popped it myself in the oil I used to cook the
bacon, which I realize sounds revolting and actually does repulse me, but is fairly tasty! I checked to
make sure it was palatable and considering the bacon flavor, I believe you will find it satisfactory."
Quinn laughed. "Thank you," she said sincerely. She opened it and tried one. She almost moaned at
its deliciousness. "Oh my God, I love you," she said unthinkingly.
Rachel chuckled softly. "That's just to make it pretty," Rachel said shyly, pointing at the clear container.
"I actually have some more in a Ziploc for you to take, but I took exception to the presentation."
Quinn laughed. "Thanks."
Rachel smiled shyly. "We both got each other food and flowers as gifts. I guess that means we're kind
of alike."
Quinn smiled back. "Kind of."
Rachel frowned when she saw Cow jump on the couch and nuzzle Quinn's knee. "Cow, stop that."
Cow peered up at Quinn with wounded eyes and Quinn couldn't help but scratch him behind his ears.
"It's okay," Quinn said. "Sometimes I think about how I want a dog."
"Please, take mine," Rachel joked.
As if on cue, Cow started to bark.
"I'm kidding, Cow," Rachel soothed, rubbing the little monster's face. "You are very important to me!"
Quinn smiled. "How long have you had him?"
"My dads got him for me on my seventh birthday," Rachel said.
Cow was a much older dog than Quinn thought.
"He has a lot of energy for such an old dog."
Rachel pouted. "He's not that old. And of course he has a lot of energy, Quinn. Cow is myBeaches</i>
which is one of my favorite movies about female friendships."
"Please don't start singing 'Wind Beneath My Wings,' Rachel," Quinn said, following her hostess into
the kitchen.
"The soundtrack has a myriad of other songs, Quinn. It is not the only choice."
"Whatever," Quinn huffed, but she smiled at Rachel
Rachel donned a white apron with yellow trim. "We only have one other apron," Rachel said
apologetically, opening one of the drawers and pulling out a white apron. She passed it to Quinn.
Quinn smiled as she took it. The white apron had the words 'World's Greatest Daddy' emblazoned on it
with two very small handprints at the pockets on the side.
"It's really the only other one I have," Rachel said apologetically.
"Did you make this?" Quinn asked.
The handprints looked so tiny-- like an infant's.
"Not really," Rachel said. "My dad had it made for daddy for their first Father's Day. So I was six
months old. My dad put my hands in paint and set my hands onto the fabric. That was the limit of my
involvement."
Quinn paused before putting the apron on to press her hand against Rachel's infant handprint. She
smiled without realizing it. "So, what do you need me to do?"
"I'll put on some music first," Rachel said, walking toward an iPod docking station wedged in one of the
corners of the counters in the kitchen. "I'll put it on shuffle."
Seconds later, the kitchen was filled with the sound of Bette Midler singing 'it must have been cold
there in my shadow…'
"You did that on purpose!" Quinn accused.
"I didn't!" Rachel said, laughing. "It's on shuffle!"
"Liar! I want to see."
She walked to the docking station and saw that, sure enough, it actually was on shuffle.
Quinn groaned. "Why does God hate me?" she asked rhetorically.
Rachel laughed and skipped to the next song. "Why do you hate that song so much?"
"I really don't," Quinn admitted. "But I like this one better," she said as 'Chasing Pavements' came on.
Because she, like Rachel, and apparently like everyone else on the planet really liked Adele.
"I like her first album better than her second one," Rachel offered.
"Me too, actually," Quinn said.
Rachel gave her a brief smile before she took out some food out of the refrigerator.
Quinn watched as Rachel stacked everything in her hands, carrying it in a wobbly pile to the island
counter in the middle of the kitchen. "Okay, Rachael Ray," she jeered gently.
Rachel smiled and threw a dish rag at her.
For dinner, they had a BLT sandwich for Quinn and a vegan grilled cheese with a slice of tomato for
Rachel. They shared some tomato soup and Quinn took a bite of Rachel's grilled cheese which Rachel
was enthralled with. Quinn thought was pretty good, but she still preferred the taste of real cheese.
Quinn suppressed a smile when she saw Rachel give a tiny piece of bacon to Cow as a treat and pet
him.
Rachel flushed. "I really shouldn't, but Cow loves bacon."
"Cow has good taste unlike you," Quinn joked.
Rachel scrunched up her face and while it was not the most attractive sight, Quinn had to admit it was
sort of endearing. Then Rachel smiled at Quinn and Quinn smiled back.
After dinner, they cleaned up and then sat on the couch to watch movies off Rachel's Netflix queue.
Quinn found herself inhaling unhealthy amounts of Rachel's bacon popcorn-- Quinn could never go
back to microwave popcorn now. Rachel occasionally took a piece of popcorn or two, but she stuck to
snacking on a bag of Salt and Pepper Pop Chips while they watched their movies. Cow dozed
between them like an overanxious toddler.
They were in the middle of watching Clueless which neither of them had seen, but both had heard
about, when Rachel paused the movie to refill their beverages.
Rachel came back with two glasses of apple juice and chewing on a Hershey's kiss. She set the drinks
on coasters on the coffee table.
"Hold out your hand," Rachel said.
Quinn rolled her eyes but held her right hand out, palm up, panhandler style.
With flourish, Rachel set a Hershey's kiss, wrapped in red paper in the middle of Quinn's palm.
Quinn chuckled. "Thanks."
Rachel smiled. "Sure."
She set a handful of Hershey's kisses on the coffee table.
It was late when the movie ended-- past 11pm and Quinn reluctantly got off the couch.
"I should go. School tomorrow."
Rachel nodded."Thank you for coming. It was fun."
Quinn bent down to collect her glass. "I'll just put this in the sink and--"
"Leave it," Rachel murmured. "I'll take care of it. It's just a glass."
"But--"
"Really, Quinn," Rachel said, smiling warmly. "I've got it."
"Okay," Quinn said quietly.
She collected the flowers Rachel gave her, her purse, the glass container and Ziploc of bacon
popcorn.
"Allow me to get you a bag," Rachel said.
"It's okay, it's fine."
"Really," Rachel said insistently.
She left the room and came back a minute later with a canvas shopping bag. "Here."
"But don't you need this?"
"Consider it my part in being environmentally friendly."
Quinn chuckled. "I'll bring it back tomorrow."
"I'd prefer it if you'd use it. I bet you still use plastic bags which are not environmentally friendly."
"I should have known you'd have an agenda for inviting me here, Al Gore," Quinn teased.
Rachel smiled and held the bag open, waiting for Quinn to put everything in it.
"Thanks," Quinn said, once her bacon popcorn was packed away. She considered putting her flowers
inside, but she didn't want them to get crushed.
"You're welcome. Thank you for a lovely evening, Quinn."
"I had a good time," Quinn said. "Thanks for everything."
"Any time."
Rachel unwrapped one last Hershey's kiss and popped it into her mouth as she walked Quinn to the
door.
It was weird, but Quinn felt self-conscious as Rachel gazed at her while she put on her coat. It was like
she was taking her clothes off rather than putting another layer of clothing on.
"Well," Rachel said, swallowing a mouthful of chocolate. "Good night," she whispered, dark eyes
peering up at Quinn. "Will you text me when you get home so I know you arrived safely?"
"It's only a few blocks," Quinn murmured. "I'll be fine."
"Even so," Rachel pressed. "I won't be able to sleep tonight until I know you're home safe, and sleep is
important to any healthy person's routine. Please don’t start introducing unhealthy habits to my
lifestyle, Quinn."
Quinn rolled her eyes and smiled, a little exasperated, but mostly with affection. "Sure."
Rachel smiled back and she reached to put her hand on the door knob to open it, but seemed to think
better of it. She spontaneously threw her arms around Quinn in a tight hug. "Thank you for being a
good kind-of-friend," she murmured.
Quinn swallowed hard. "I had fun."
"Me too," Rachel said softly, she stood up on tiptoe to press her lips to Quinn's cheek. "Good night,
Quinn," she breathed, her lips still hovering close to Quinn's cheek as she remained on the tips of her
toes.
"Good night, Rachel," Quinn said lowly, she turned her head slightly to kiss Rachel's cheek as well, but
Rachel chose that exact moment to crane her head back a few degrees.
Their lips met, but neither Quinn nor Rachel jolted backward.
Instead, Quinn's lips parted and Rachel ran her tongue across Quinn's lower lip before she slipped her
tongue into Quinn's mouth.
They kissed languidly for a few moments before they broke apart.
Quinn tasted chocolate on her lips.
Rachel stared up at Quinn, wide-eyed, feeling, oddly enough, a sense of déjà vu.
"You've got some foil in your hair," Quinn said softly, when they parted and Rachel was standing, flat,
on both her feet. She chuckled and pulled out a piece of red foil from the Hershey's wrapper still with
the little piece of white paper with "Kisses" printed on it stuck to it. She held it out for Rachel to take.
Rachel blushed. "I can be a messy eater sometimes."
Quinn reached out and ran her thumb across Rachel's lower lip. "We can work on that, I guess."
--
Quinn didn't start freaking out until she was driving home when she realized that she and Rachel
kissed. It wasn't exactly a heated, passionate kiss but as far as kisses went, Quinn could definitely
rank it higher on the list of kisses she'd had.
But this freaked her out even more-- the first time they kissed, it was more of a drunken thing on
Rachel's part-- it was obvious Rachel didn't even remember it. The second time had been a joke. But
this third time-- Quinn had actually felt something she told herself she wouldn't allow herself to feel
about an action she swore she'd never do. She'd reconciled to harboring feelings, but she'd always
told herself she'd never act on them. Now she had feelings about her actions. She'd been taught that it
wasn't necessarily sinful to have thoughts, but it was always sinful to do the action and she was thrown
into a tailspin of confusion.
Quinn wanted to put her head in the oven, like Sylvia Plath. And ,of course, she couldn't have kissed
some drunk sorority girl at a fraternity party while being drunk herself so she could argue diminished
capacity. No. She had to kiss Rachel Berry (well, really, Rachel kissed her) while completely sober and
now Rachel probably wanted to have some deep, meaningful dialogue about it. And Quinn just could
not handle that.
When she got home, she was thinking of ways she could shut Rachel down the next day at school.
Maybe she could tell Rachel to "shut it, RuPaul," when Rachel saw her the next morning.
But then Quinn remembered that she needed Rachel as a ticket to get to Beth and her plans deflated.
She might actually have to talk about it now. She tried to tell herself that it was nothing-- it was just a
friendly kiss. But only friends like Santana and Brittany kissed with tongue.
She was so upset with herself because this wasn't part of her life's plan. Yes, she'd had a muted
attraction to girls, but she primarily liked boys and kissing girls was never something she wanted to try.
She didn't want to slide down that slippery slope.
She'd already showered and was in bed when Rachel texted her.
Did you make it home safely?
Quinn contemplated just ignoring it, but she knew she shouldn't do that.
Yeah. Tired though. See you tomorrow
Quinn had closed her eyes to go to sleep when her phone beeped.
She looked at it and swallowed hard. A text message from Rachel.
Have the sweetest dreams, Quinn, xoxo --R
--
When Quinn arrived at school that morning, she avoided going to her locker right away because it was
close to Rachel's locker. She just needed some time to think and gather her thoughts.
When she finally worked up the courage to step foot in the hallway, the first thing she saw was a group
of jocks throw Slushies in Finn's face on his first day back at school since The Incident. He'd only
missed one day of school, but the school halls were alive with rumors and speculation about Rachel
and Finn. Other boys still held onto their Slushies, getting ready for another round.
"What are you going to do? Cry like a little bitch again?" one of the jocks jeered at Finn.
Quinn glanced at Rachel who was staring at the sight, clearly horrified. Even from a distance, Quinn
could see Rachel looked like she wanted to cry.
"Stop that!" Rachel yelled. "Leave him alone!"
Moments later, two jocks who were ready to Slushie Rachel ran up to her and Slushied her instead. .
"There goes the bride!" one of them quipped, before high-fiving the other one and running off.
A Cheerio, called Nicole, trailing behind them shoved Rachel particularly hard, causing Rachel to
stumble back and then slip on the Slushie on the floor. She landed on her back and the hallway burst
into laughter.
Quinn moved toward Rachel, filled with fury, but paused when she saw Finn rush down the hall to help
Rachel up. Rachel looked up at him and they stared at one another for a long moment before Rachel
shut her locker and they walked down the hallway to the bathrooms, Finn's arm protectively around
Rachel's shoulders.
--
Quinn went into the bathroom after Rachel to help while Kurt followed after Finn.
"Are you okay?" Quinn asked quietly.
Rachel gave her a teary smile. "I'm sure they'll get bored. I suppose I made myself a target again when
I made a spectacle of myself."
"That was Finn," Quinn refuted angrily. "He made the spectacle." She was so mad at him, what had he
been thinking? No one got married in high school anymore unless the girl was pregnant. And
teenagers who talked about having fiancés or finacees should be embarrassed for themselves,
because really, how often did that turn out?
"I didn't help things," Rachel said quietly.
Quinn helped Rachel clean up silently for a few minutes before she spoke. The clothes were a loss--
even Rachel's skirt was covered in Slushie when she fell after being shoved. There was no way to
clean that up. Rachel would need to change outfits completely.
"So, are you guys getting back together or something?"
Rachel shook her head. "No. I care for him, but…I don't think refusing a marriage proposal is a recipe
for longevity in a relationship."
Despite how serious she sounded, Quinn couldn't help but laugh at the way Rachel put that.
Rachel looked upset for a moment by Quinn's laughter, but then she laughed, too.
Rachel pulled her car keys out of her bag and handed them to Quinn. "I have some spare clothes in
the car. Do you mind getting them for me?" she asked quietly.
"Sure," Quinn said softly.
Quinn got out of the bathroom and found two of the jocks who Slushied Rachel standing outside the
bathroom, clearly expecting a laugh. She caught eyes with Puck who was walking down the hallway
carrying two Slushies. He handed her one while he held onto the other and they each threw a Slushie
on the other boys.
Quinn walked away, leaving Puck to handle them. She didn't fear any retribution for Slushieing the
guys because apparently, no one was punished for Slushieing anyone. And judging by the sound of
the fight ensuing behind her, she didn't think anyone would dare Slushie her, either. She looked back
just once to see Puck and Mike at the centre of a fight with guys on the hockey team. She felt a little bit
of pride that even though it was five guys against two, her two were winning.
--
There were no more Slushies for the rest of the day and when it came time for glee, things in the choir
room were tense, but both Finn and Rachel managed not to bring up their relationship or sang any
songs of contrition or enduring love.
--
After school, Rachel and Quinn went to Shelby's for the weekly visit with Beth.
Rachel was quiet during the visit, sitting silently and looking around more than she interacted with
anyone.
Beth seemed to pick up on this and was desperate for Rachel's attention, which Rachel absently gave,
but clearly not in the amount that Beth wanted, because the visit ended early when Beth kicked Rachel
in the shin and began wailing and couldn't be consoled.
"I'm sorry," Shelby apologized, kneeling beside Rachel and rubbing her shin comfortingly. "Are you all
right?"
Rachel shrugged dismissively. "She's not even two yet."
"I was thinking," Shelby said. "Maybe I could take you shopping on Saturday? We could spend the day
together."
Rachel looked hesitant. "Wouldn't Beth get cranky?"
Shelby smiled. "I thought maybe Quinn could babysit Beth and it could be just the two of us."
"Give it a try, Rach," Quinn encouraged, though she hated herself for it. But she just wanted more time
with Beth.
"Okay," Rachel agreed quietly.
Shelby smiled. "Wonderful," she said. "I'd like to buy you a new coat," she offered.
"That's not necessary," Rachel said softly.
"I'd like to," Shelby insisted, putting her palm on Rachel's cheek.
Rachel bit her lower lip and then smiled. "Okay, if we find one," she said quietly. "Thank you."
--
"Quinn, I'm sorry," Rachel apologized in the car ride back to McKinley where Rachel left her car. "I
didn't mean to be so cranky and make Beth cry. And then you didn't get to have your full visit."
"It's okay," Quinn said softly. "I'll get to see her on Saturday anyway. I hope you have fun with your
mom."
"Quinn," Rachel said, sounding exasperated. "She's not my mom."
"Well, she kind of is. You guys are spending time together now. She's really not that bad," Quinn said,
though it was like acid going through her brain to say it.
Rachel raised her eyebrows. "Since when do you feel so much warmth towards her?"
"She's a good mom to Beth," Quinn admitted grudgingly. "I get I'll never have Beth back. I want her to
have a good mom if I can't be hers. Shelby sucks, but she's not as bad as I thought."
"Shelby doesn't suck," Rachel defended quietly. "She's just really confusing. I never know what she
wants from me."
"Maybe she just wants to spend time with you."
Rachel looked at her skeptically. "She's probably just being polite." She sighed. "It doesn't matter. I
don't really want to talk about Shelby."
'Neither do I,' Quinn thought.
--
Quinn waited impatiently for the weekend.
Finally, on Saturday morning, Shelby dropped off Beth at her house since Quinn was not trusted to be
in Shelby's house alone.
Her mother was home when Beth was dropped off, and Quinn swallowed hard at the look on her
mother's face.
"She looks just like you did when you were a baby," Judy said quietly.
"Mom."
"You should have kept her," Judy said softly. "I had a crib ready for her and we could have turned
Aubrey's room into a nursery."
"Drop it, mom," Quinn snapped.
Because really, her mother's support came far, far too late. They were trying to rebuild a relationship
now, but Quinn still felt betrayed her mother allowed her to be thrown out like garbage on Trash Day.
But other than that one moment with her mother, Quinn loved every second of spending time with her
baby.
She knew she had to stop thinking of Beth as hers. But she couldn't. She knew that it wasn't healthy,
but she honestly didn't know what was considered a 'healthy' view on this topic. Every time her body
ached for the weight of Beth's body pressed against hers, Quinn regretted her decision to hand her
baby away-- despite knowing full well that it was the best possible choice.
She knew when she went off to Yale in the fall, she would never be able to spend time with Beth on a
weekly basis like this. So she crammed in the time she did have. Maybe it wasn't healthy to do this-- it
certainly wasn't healthy to trade her time in with Beth for the time Shelby got to spend with Rachel. But
Quinn just didn't know what else to do. She felt guilty that she was misleading Rachel, but she didn't
plan on stopping either because other than the part of their friendship where she tried to convince
Rachel that Shelby was a good person to spend time with, their friendship was very, very real.
mjacton
2012-01-17 12:28 pm (local)
Wow...this chapter had a quiet intensity to it, and I thought it was well-constructed. Quinn's initial
acceptance but suppression of her feelings for Rachel is an interesting way to go. The fact that she
wasn't able to sustain it for very long at all was predictable but in a very good way because it felt real,
at least to me.
I am wary of Finn's continued pursuit of Rachel. I'm guessing it's not going to end well for Rachel,
given one of the prompts you're working from.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-17 10:34 pm (local)
thank you! I see Quinn waffling a lot...
Finn is not the perp!

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sulkygeekff
January 16th, 2012
Shelby was already at their agreed-upon meeting place in front of Macys when
Rachel arrived, despite the fact Rachel was exactly on time.
"Hello," Shelby greeted pleasantly.
"Hi," Rachel said softly. She bit her lower lip, and she searched for something, anything to say. "Is
Beth with Quinn?" she finally asked, despite the fact she knew full well that Beth was.
Shelby nodded. "Yes, she is."
They didn't say much to each other after that, although they began immediately looking at clothing, so
much of their conversation revolved around on how cute this article or that article of clothing was.
Rachel was uncomfortable. It was one thing to be around Shelby at school when there were scores of
other students around. She was comfortable with that and even enjoyed it, since she tended to
interpret things literally and she really did appreciate her mother from afar. Although since Shelby left
McKinley, there were no opportunities for that anymore. It was another thing to be around Shelby
when Beth and Quinn were around to be buffers. She always felt out of place at those visits, but Quinn
said she needed the support and Rachel was more than willing to give it to her. But being with Shelby
alone was in a class by itself and Rachel still had no idea what Shelby's angle was, especially since
Shelby seemed so eager to buy her things. Did Shelby need part of her liver or her kidney or
something? She didn't get why Shelby wanted to spend so much time with her and wanted to do stuff
for her.
They didn't find anything at Macys to buy, which seemed to disappointed Shelby. Rachel was uneasy
with the idea of Shelby buying her anything anyway, so even though there were a few things that she
thought were cute which Shelby offered to buy, Rachel pretended not to like them enough to purchase.
After a couple of hours, Shelby put her hand on Rachel's arm. "Why don't we get a hot pretzel and
some hot chocolate?" she asked with a smile.
Rachel hesitated. She didn't want to prolong things, but she knew Quinn wanted as much time with
Beth as she could get. Rachel was a little hungry and every time she came to the mall, she did get a
hankering for a hot pretzel. She knew if she went home without getting one, she would be fixated on it
all night. "Okay," she said after a moment of deliberation.
--
Despite Rachel's protests that she could pay for her own pretzel and hot chocolate, Shelby paid for
both and the two made their way to a bench where they could sit down while they finished their snack.
"So, are your dads happy about NYADA?" Shelby asked.
Rachel gave her a small smile. "Yes."
"I'm sure they'll miss you when you leave."
Rachel smiled crookedly. "Yes." She paused. "Did you like college?" she asked quietly.
"I loved college," Shelby answered honestly. "And I know you will, too. You're going to be in one of the
most exciting cities in the world and I know you're going to learn so much. And do so much."
Rachel beamed at her. "Thank you," she said sincerely. "I--I'm excited."
"You should be," Shelby murmured. "You have every right to be. I would be worried if you weren't."
Rachel laughed softly and smiled at her. "You went to college in New York, right?"
Shelby nodded. "I did. Then I moved back here. It was supposed to be temporary until I saved up more
money to move back, but…" she trailed off. "Well, you know."
"You had me," Rachel said quietly. She paused. "Did I hold you back?"
"Rachel, no. I moved back to New York after you were born and I lived off the money your fathers gave
me for two years. Having you didn't hold me back from anything." Shelby paused. "I just missed you,"
she admitted quietly. "I lost my drive."
Rachel snorted softly. "How could you have possibly missed me? I was a newborn and they aren't that
interesting."
She found it hard to believe her mother could have missed her as an infant when she'd walked away
from her as a moderately (in Rachel's mind, profoundly) interesting teenager.
"I missed you," Shelby said wistfully. "I was younger then, so mostly I thought about what you looked
like." She paused. "What you smelled like. I never got to hold you, and I kept hearing about how
babies have this smell. I kept wondering what you smelled like. I got fixated on what I was missing out
on with you. I was going on auditions, but everything was so half-hearted. I finally gave up and moved
back here."
"You could have stayed in New York, even if you weren't on Broadway," Rachel pointed out quietly.
"You didn't have to move back here. I don't…" she paused. "I don't understand how you could have
come back to Lima after being in New York. I mean, you've done that twice now."
"It was too hard," Shelby said quietly. "Lima is…home. For better or worse, Lima is home."
Rachel bit her lower lip. "I think what happened to you happened to Quinn" she said tentatively, her
voice quiet. "With Beth," she clarified unnecessarily. She saw the look on Shelby's face, but she
decided to press forward anyway. "I know Quinn made mistakes. Really bad ones. Calling Child
Protective Services and trying to get Beth taken away from you was horrible. It was truly wretched and
I would never defend that," Rachel said. "And I know you didn't do the things Quinn did," Rachel said,
missing the fleeting look of anguish on Shelby's face. "But Quinn is my friend and I know she wants
what's best for Beth. I think she…" Rachel tried to search for the most diplomatic way of saying 'lost
her mind,' because Quinn was, after all, a good friend.
"Became temporarily mentally unhinged?" Shelby asked with a small smile.
Rachel laughed, because it was sort of true and Shelby didn't say it in a way that sounded malicious,
though it was phrased in a way Rachel wouldn't have. "Kind of," Rachel agreed. "Quinn lost her way
for a while, but I think it was just hard for her to see you and Beth around. Does that make sense?"
Shelby nodded, a lump rising in her throat, because of course she got that. "Yes," she answered softly.
"And I think it says a lot about her that she was able to find her way back, don't you?" Rachel pressed.
"Many people who lose their way don't find their way back, and Quinn did. I know what she did to you
was awful, but she's not an awful person-- and my history with her is complicated, so I'm not saying
this because I'm her friend. I'm saying this to be fair. She's capable of terrible things, but she's not a
terrible person."
"I'm trying to believe that, Rachel," Shelby said softly.
Rachel was quiet for a long moment. "I was in foster care for ten weeks," she admitted quietly. "When I
was three."
Shelby froze. "What?"
"Someone called Child Protective Services on my dads and made up these huge lies. I guess the
investigating social worker thought it was better to be safe than sorry or something-- my dads wouldn't
talk about it much. I think people had an issue because they were gay. But ten weeks later, my dads
had this hearing-- they hired a private attorney and everything, even though they were appointed one
and the judge ordered that I be returned to my dads because there was no evidence my parents were
being abusive or neglectful." Rachel bit her lower lip. "I don't remember anything, but my dads were
really overprotective when I was little because of it. And from what they told me, I kind of had a hard
time for a while when I got home." Rachel peered up at Shelby. "If I thought Quinn would be capable of
doing something like that to you and Beth again, I would be the first one to tell you. But she's different
now and she just wants to be a part of Beth's life. I…I would really appreciate it if you gave Quinn the
benefit of the doubt and really give her a chance to be a part of Beth's life."
"Rachel, honey. I'm trying to do that."
"I know, but I can tell you don't really trust her. And Quinn can tell, too. And that's hard on her. Can
you…can you please just try to trust her? She's a good person."
Shelby took a deep breath. "All right, honey," she said. She swallowed hard. "Rachel, did you or your
dads ever find out who called CPS on your family?" she asked, holding her breath.
Rachel shook her head. "No. My dads thought it was one of our neighbors." She cracked a small
smile. "Maybe they got tired of me singing all the time," she joked. "Because after that, most of our
house was sound-proofed." She laughed. "I always told them they should have sued, but they said
they didn't because they wanted to put the whole matter behind them." She paused. "I don't think they
ever did," she said softly.
She knew for a fact they never did, because they rarely let her out of their sight when she was growing
up.
Shelby exhaled slowly. "I'm sure your neighbors enjoyed it."
Rachel looked at her in askance. "I bet not," she said wryly. "They have very poor taste. You should
see their window treatments."
--
After they finished their pretzels and hot chocolates, they walked around the mall for a while to browse.
They passed a specialty candy store and Rachel grabbed onto Shelby's arm
"Ooh, wait. May we go in here?" she asked excitedly.
Shelby chuckled. "You don't strike me as someone who's so into candy," she teased.
"I'm not actually. I don't have a sweet tooth. I prefer salty. But they have chocolate covered bacon
here," Rachel said. "It sounds disgusting, but I am going to purchase some for Quinn." Rachel began
pulling Shelby into the store. "Come on, you can buy something for Beth, too."
Shelby followed Rachel into the candy shop and watched as Rachel engaged in conversation with the
store clerk.
"But it sounds so disgusting! Is it really good?"
"Would you like a sample, miss?"
Rachel looked horrified by the prospect. "Of course not. I'm a vegan Jew." She turned and caught
Shelby's eye. "Shelby, you try it."
Shelby was thoroughly grossed out by the mere thought of putting chocolate covered bacon in her
mouth. When separated, she had no qualms of consuming either. But consuming the two together
particularly when one coated the other filled her with disgust. But she acquiesced because Rachel
asked.
She was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't as disgusting as she thought it would be, though she
wouldn't choose to eat it on a regular basis.
"It's good," Shelby said. "I'm sure a bacon aficionado would like it quite a lot."
Rachel smiled happily. "Quinn loves bacon as much as I love…" she paused."Barbra Streisand," she
said dramatically, her eyes wide.
Shelby chuckled. "Then she'll love it."
Rachel purchased half a pound of the chocolate covered bacon and then some regular chocolate-
covered toffee for Quinn.
"Are you going to get anything for Beth?" Rachel asked Shelby.
Shelby laughed. "That child doesn't need more sugar," she jested.
Rachel laughed. "Can I get one of those ducks with the candy inside?" she asked the clerk. Once
purchased, she presented the duck to Shelby with flourish. "Tell Beth it's from me."
Shelby smiled. "Why don't you give it to her yourself? Maybe the next time you and Quinn come over
to visit."
"That would be nice." Rachel paused, biting her lip. "Do you think maybe you'd let Quinn take Beth out
alone? Maybe to the park or library or something?"
Shelby hesitated. "Rachel, honey. I know you're just trying to be a good friend to Quinn. But I'm just
not there yet. It's actually been very difficult for me to leave Beth alone with Quinn at all."
Rachel looked dismayed. "Oh," she said quietly.
"But maybe someday," Shelby amended.
Rachel brightened visibly. "Okay."
--
Once they reached Macys again, they went their separate ways.
Shelby adjusted Rachel's scarf around Rachel's neck and then fixed the collar of her coat, preparing
her to re-enter the cold. "It's cold out," Shelby said.
"It's nice," Rachel murmured.
"Drive safe, Rachel," Shelby said softly.
"You, too," Rachel said quietly.
--
By the time Rachel got home, Quinn was already calling her.
"Hey," Quinn said. "Shelby just left with Beth. How'd it go?"
"It was nice," Rachel said. "How was your time with Beth?"
Quinn sounded a little sad. "It was great," she said softly. "I wish she didn't have to go."
Quinn sounded so wistful.
"I'm sorry," Rachel said quietly. She bit her lower lip. "I have something for you," she said shyly.
"You do?" Quinn asked, "what is it?"
"It's really small. Nothing, really. Can I...come by and…or do you want to come over for a while and…"
Rachel winced at how inept she sounded. She sounded like she needed help getting to and from the
bus stop or something.
Quinn laughed softly. "It better be worth it. I'll be over in twenty minutes,"
Relieved, Rachel smiled. "Okay."
--
She tidied up a bit around the house. She usually kept the house tidy because that was the way her
parents trained her, but she found there was something almost Zen about cleaning-- she could just
zone out and shut out her thoughts and then end up with a clean, tidy house. It was sort of awesome.
She liked to listen to Broadway musicals while she cleaned-- a habit she picked up from her fathers.
She actually thought it was weird when other people didn't listen to Broadway musicals while they
cleaned. There was no way the house would be as dust-free as it was if it weren't for the Avenue Q
soundtrack.
She was bellowing her way through 'I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today' when she heard an amused
snort.
Scared out her mind, Rachel whipped around and saw Quinn standing in her living room, laughing.
Rachel wanted to groan because the song was thirty seconds long and somehow, Quinn chose that
moment to materialize in her living room.
"Quinn! The more appropriate thing to do is to ring the doorbell or knock!"
Quinn looked amused. "I did both. Then I tried the front door. It was unlocked. That's really unsafe,
Rachel," Quinn said with a grin which threatened to overtake her face.
Rachel was never someone who got embarrassed when caught singing along to recorded music-- she
did it often, and one of the few things she was confident about was her voice. But she was a little
mortified getting caught singing along to that song.
"Well, just so you know, I am wearing underwear today," Rachel said, her voice surly.
Quinn nodded. "Great."
Rachel pouted because she could tell Quinn was still amused, but she still decided she needed to be a
good hostess. "May I get you a beverage?"
Quinn looked like she was about three seconds from bursting into laughter. Rachel thought if she
could make a person spontaneously burst into fire just from the sheer intensity of her glare, Quinn
would be engulfed in flames right now.
"No thanks," Quinn said.
Rachel picked up her shopping bag and passed it to Quinn. "Here," she said softly. "I was passing by
there when Shelby and I were at the mall today. And I thought I should get you some."
Quinn pulled out one of the containers and looked at Rachel quizzically. "But you just gave me snacks
a few days ago for Valentine's."
Rachel grinned at her. "It's chocolate covered bacon."
Quinn's eyes lit up and Rachel suppressed the urge to roll hers. She'd never understand Quinn's love
affair with bacon.
"I got you some toffee just in case the chocolate covered bacon is as revolting as it sounds. But I had
Shelby test-taste it and she said it was good."
Quinn smiled broadly at her. "Thanks," she said softly, impetuously hugging Rachel. "I love it."
Rachel held her closely for a moment before pulling away. "I hope you like it," she said softly.
"I know I will." Quinn looked contemplative. "Uh… do you want to hang out tonight? I was supposed to
meet up with Brit and Santana. We were just going to watch a movie or something."
Rachel felt a tiny pang. Saturday nights she usually hung out with Kurt and Blaine, but Kurt hadn't
responded to her last few texts and he'd mostly ignored her at school. It was clear whose side Kurt
took in the break-up with Finn. If it were any other guy than Finn, Rachel was certain Kurt would get it.
He probably even got it now, but Finn was Kurt's stepbrother and Kurt clearly had to take a side which
wasn't hurts. She understood/ .
It still hurt though.
"That sounds nice," Rachel said quietly.
Quinn smiled. "I'll let them know."
--
Quinn ended up staying at Rachel's house for a couple hours until they went to meet Brittany and
Santana at the indoor batting cages.
Rachel was a little perplexed at the choice because it seemed so unlikely.
"Santana's grandmother invited everyone over for dinner tonight," Quinn explained quietly. "But told
her parents that Santana wasn't allowed to come. It's her mom's mom and her mom got pissed and
had a huge fight with her grandmother, and then her grandmother said the devil was in Santana."
"Oh," Rachel breathed, wincing. She could never understand how people could be so cruel to their
own family members. "Is she okay?"
"No," Quinn said softly. "But she'll say she's fine. She likes going to the batting cages when she's
pissed because she can be aggressive and as long as she doesn't beat up another person, she won't
get arrested."
"Are you sure she wants me there?" Rachel asked. "Maybe you should just drop me back off at home.
This sounds like something just between you guys."
"It'll be fine."
--
It turned out to be fine. Santana was already buzzed when they arrived at the batting cages and didn’t
comment on Rachel's presence other than to say "'sup, Berry?"
Brittany was driving, so she didn't drink any of the alcohol Santana snuck into the batting cages in
water bottles. Quinn begged off as well, since she was also driving, but not much of a drinker anyway
since the accidental pregnancy.
That left Rachel as Santana's slightly unwilling drinking partner, but Rachel did it anyway because she
wasn't driving and Santana said she hated drinking alone.
It'd been a long time since she'd come to the batting cages-- she used to go with her fathers who were
both avid baseball fans. When she was younger, she used to be afraid of getting hit by the ball and
would wail and protest when it was her turn. Then one day, she actually did get hit by the ball-- on her
shoulder and while it hurt terribly, it didn't kill her.
She kind of lived her life by this philosophy now-- it wasn't so much that whatever didn't kill her made
her stronger. There were times when she felt so very weak indeed. It was more that whatever didn't kill
her couldn't hurt that much or else she'd be dead.
"Hey Berry. I'll bet you a hundred bucks that you're going to strike out."
Rachel suppressed a smile. "Santana, you're very intoxicated. I don't think you should be making such
cavalier wagers while intoxicated."
"Chicken!"
Rachel pretended to look unamused. "Santana. Do you really think that is going to cajole me into
competition?"
"Chicken."
"Fine," Rachel said. "I accept your challenge. Under one condition. I want to see the money first."
Santana rolled her eyes. "We'll stop by an ATM. But you're going to lose. So let's see your money."
"I'll stop by an ATM in the unlikely event that I lose."
"Whatever, Berry."
Rachel grinned, grabbed a hard helmet and got into the batting cage.
After hitting the first pitch, Santana grumbled "beginner's luck!"
But when it went through the entire 10-pitch round with Rachel hitting the ball every time without even
one ball that could be counted as a foul, Santana was shouting accusations of hustling.
"I do not know what you're talking about," Rachel said primly. "That is an outlandish accusation,
Santana, and I resent you saying that I fleeced you in any way."
"You hustled me!"
"How could I hustle you? I told you it was very unlikely that I'd lose!"
"You say that about everything!"
"And most of the time, it's factual!"
"Hug it out," Brittany ordered, pointing a bat at them like it was a scepter.
"Brit--" Santana began to protest.
"Hug it out."
Santana sighed and pulled Rachel into a brief hug.
"I'm not paying up."
Rachel grinned. "Yes, you are."
Rachel always found a way to get her way.
--
They went their separate ways after the batting cages and Rachel was a little buzzed by the time
Quinn dropped her off.
"I'll help you inside," Quinn said quietly.
"I'm fine," Rachel said with a broad, lazy grin. "I'm great. I'm stupendous." Rachel chuckled. "I could be
a superhero!"
She was a little buzzed, but not drunk.
Quinn laughed softly as she parked the car. "Okay, Stupendous Girl," she said softly. She got out of
the car and got around to the passenger side. She opened Rachel's door and held her hand out for
Rachel to take.
Rachel smiled and put her hand into Quinn's. She allowed herself to be pulled up.
She didn't really need help into her house, but she leaned closer into Quinn as the blonde walked her
to the door. Quinn smelled…pretty.
Rachel opened her door and peered up at Quinn. She grabbed onto the lapels on Quinn's coat. "Do
you want to come inside?" she asked, tugging slightly. She grinned up at Quinn. "I'd love for you to
come inside."
Quinn hesitated for a moment. "Okay, sure," she said finally.
--
They sprawled out in Rachel's living room to watch Dexter-- Quinn on the sofa and Rachel on a love
seat. Once the episode concluded, Rachel paused the programming and cuddled up to Quinn on the
sofa.
"Quinn," Rachel said quietly.
Quinn swallowed hard, her eyes darting around nervously. "Yeah?"
"I kissed you."
Quinn swallowed audibly. "Rachel…don't make it a big deal, okay?"
Rachel pulled away, wounded. "I wasn't trying to make it a big deal."
"Then why even talk about it?"
"Because I thought…I thought…" Rachel faltered. Because for her, it had been kind of a big deal.
Sure, it wasn't some dramatic, romantic kiss. But it'd been really, really nice. She didn't want a
relationship or anything, but she thought it merited some kind of conversation. She'd wanted to talk
about it for days, but she kind of wanted Quinn to bring it up first. When it became apparent that Quinn
wasn't, Rachel decided to bring it up herself and she'd been looking for an opening.
Now seemed as good a time as any.
"What?" Quinn demanded, her voice tinged with a little hostility.
"Nothing," Rachel said quietly. "I just wanted to make sure it wasn't going to get…awkward between
us."
"Well, it doesn't have to if you don't bring it up."
"Okay," Rachel acquiesced. She wasn't sure what she did wrong, but it was clear she made Quinn
angry, and at the moment, with Kurt mad at her on Finn's behalf and Blaine taking Kurt's side by
default, Quinn was her only friend. She didn't want to lose Quinn, too, and go back to being a
friendless loser.
"It didn't mean anything, Rachel. So just forget it happened, okay?"
"Okay," Rachel agreed softly.
Rachel un-paused the TV and they watched another episode of Dexter together before Quinn stood
up.
"I should go. I'm tired."
"Good night, Quinn," Rachel said softly.
"Good night, Rachel." Quinn paused. "We're good, right?"
"Yes, of course."
"Cool. So you'll still go with me to see Beth this week?"
Rachel nodded. "Of course, if you want me to. But do you really still need me to go with you?"
"I'd like it if you did."
Rachel smiled, because it was nice to feel wanted. "Then, of course."
--
A couple weeks passed by and by the end of February, people seemed tired of Slushieing Finn and
Rachel since their argument in the janitor's closet was old news in comparison to the new rumor about
a junior Cheerio called Nicole being pregnant.
Rachel felt sorry for Nicole, but considering the girl was one of the people who'd Slushied her, and was
the girl who shoved her in the hallway after being Slushied, Rachel found it hard to muster a lot of
sympathy, especially since the bullies set their sights on Nicole which took the heat off her.
She also found that the jocks who Slushied her were now on the receiving end of multiple Slushies per
day themselves since they'd been kicked off the hockey team after Coach Bieste discovered their
stash of marijuana in their gym lockers, apparently tipped off by a concerned anonymous source. She
didn't take any joy in their misery-- she hated seeing other people Slushied, even former tormentors.
But she was relieved that she could walk through the school halls again without worrying about a face
full of ice-cold artificial flavoring and corn syrup.
She and Finn were cordial to one another, but for the most part, he ignored her and only
acknowledged her if he absolutely had to do so. Once he realized she was firm in her choice not to
marry him, it was like she ceased to exist to him.
She felt awful. He'd been her first friend at McKinley, one of the first people to look past her
annoyingness and admittedly high-strung attitude and self-importance.
But they just weren't a match for one another anymore, and her romantic feelings for him were
lukewarm at best. She still cared for him deeply, but she found it difficult to feel romantically about him.
She never wanted to hurt him or humiliate him. She thought maybe she could keep up the relationship
until graduation and then break up with him under the guise of how long-distance romances never
working. But then he proposed to her with a ring and how could she string him along after that?
In truth, she ached over the loss of friendship with Kurt and Blaine more than she did the end of her
relationship with Finn. The loss of Finn as a friend hurt so much more than the loss of Finn as a
boyfriend. It was no contest what she missed more-- friendship over romance.
--
Things with Quinn were more or less the same, though Rachel sensed some distance between the two
of them ever since she tried to bring up the kiss.
She didn't know why that hurt so much considering she and Quinn had only recently become friends
after years of knowing each other. Quinn was once one of her primary tormentors, and Rachel
supposed now she cared more for Quinn than Quinn cared for her. Though that had always been the
case between them, even when they weren't friends.
Nothing really changed between them, so Rachel wasn't sure if she was just reading too much into
things or if things really had become distant between the two of them.
For one of the weekly visits with Beth, Rachel had some extra time on her hands so she rifled through
her old collection of costumes for some hats and outfits. She didn't think any of the hats she had would
fit Beth's head-- she started playing tea party when she was four, and Beth wasn't even two yet. She
altered a couple of her hats to fit Beth and was satisfied with the result after adorning them with
flowers and lace with a glue gun. She couldn't sew, but she was great with a glue gun and a
Bedazzler. With all the time she was spending with Beth, it was hard not to consider Beth a little sister.
She and Quinn had purchased a tea set for Beth and Rachel thought it was time they put it to good
use. She packed the hats and some costumes for the tea party into her car and when she followed
Quinn to Shelby's condo, the first thing she did was place one of the hats on the squealing toddler's
head. With flourish, she also presented a pair of gold gloves she thought would fit Beth, and held out
some ostentatiously large toy jewelry that was too big for Beth to accidentally swallow.
Beth was so excited, she was practically jumping in place.
She, Quinn, Shelby and Beth put on silly hats and played tea party for the entire visit. Beth seemed
particularly enthralled each time any of them affected a silly voice or accent and Rachel thought it was
highly likely that Beth would end up becoming an actress.
At the end of the visit, Shelby pulled her into an impromptu hug, startling Rachel. They'd become
friendly with one another because of the time they were spending around one another, but she
wouldn't have said they were close.
"You're really good with her," Shelby murmured into her ear. "Thank you."
"Sure," Rachel said, patting Shelby's back awkwardly.
"Why don't we have dinner this week, just the two of us?"
Rachel was starting to get over her hesitation when it came to Shelby. She actually liked spending
time with her-- they were so alike, after all. And while she didn't consider Shelby to be her mom, it was
difficult to deny the fact that Shelby was very parental toward her lately. Rachel really liked that-- she
missed having people be parental toward her.
She really thought they could be friends.
Rachel smiled. "Okay. That sounds great."
--
When Rachel and Quinn left Shelby's condo, they walked into the elevator together. Rachel was just
looking up at the numbers descending, when she felt Quinn gently grab her by the sides of her jacket,
and pull her so they could face one another.
"Quinn?"
"You're so good with Beth," Quinn said, a little wonderingly.
There was a time when Rachel had less than charitable thoughts about Beth and her blond perfection.
But now she'd come to feel affection for the appealing little monster, because she was one part Quinn,
one part Noah and one part Shelby and Rachel had come to care for all of them.
Rachel shrugged. "She's a little kid. It's hard not to like her."
"You're sweet," Quinn said lowly.
Rachel lowered her eyes, her lashes fluttering shyly. "It was nothing."
"You're sweet," Quinn repeated.
Rachel swallowed with difficulty, and peered up into Quinn's eyes.
"Quinn--"
They reached their floor and the elevator doors opened. No one was there to come in.
Rachel peered around Quinn. "We should--"
Quinn swallowed hard. "Wait," she said, her voice sounding a little desperate. "I lied," she said
anxiously. "I lied."
Rachel blinked. "About what?"
"When I said it meant nothing. I--I lied," Quinn said.
The elevator doors closed and Rachel swallowed hard, the space feeling so confining.
"Quinn--"
"It was amazing," Quinn said softly. She pressed even closer to Rachel. "I'm going to kiss you now,"
Quinn said lowly. She shifted nervously. "You can tell me to stop. Just say the word."
Rachel gave her a sunny smile. "Green light," she murmured.
Even with the go-ahead, Quinn continued to stare at Rachel anxiously, eyes wide, pupils darting. She
looked so torn and confused. Rachel reached up to rub that worried line in Quinn's forehead out. "Do I
have the green light?" she asked softly when she decided that Quinn was taking too long to take
initiative.
Quinn nodded, biting her lip and gulping visibly.
They'd danced around this long enough, in Rachel's opinion. So, she leaned forward and pressed her
lips against Quinn's.
When they pulled apart, their faces were still hovering just a few inches apart and the elevator door
was open with people on the first floor attempting to get inside the elevator who ended up gaping at
the unexpected sight of two teenagers making out.
"Follow me to my house?"
Red-faced, Quinn nodded, but she allowed Rachel to take her by the hand as they ran from the
building to their cars.
--
Quinn followed her home and parked in the driveway next to Rachel's car.
Rachel waited for Quinn to get out of her car before taking the blonde by the hand and leading her into
her house.
Rachel had this momentary clichéd montage in her head of stumbling blindly into her house whilst
kissing Quinn, but the truth was, that wasn't really her style and Quinn seemed way too unnerved and
freaked out to do that.
And anyway, she was a little unnerved and freaked out, too. On a purely shallow note, Quinn was the
prettiest girl she'd ever known with the softest lips she'd ever kissed. But really, she'd only kissed
maybe five people in her life, so what did that prove?
It was one thing to let the girl who used to call her RuPaul and draw pornographic pictures of her in the
school bathrooms into the sanctity of her home. It was a whole other thing to kiss said girl and then
desperately want to do it again and again. But a part of her had always been desperate for Quinn's
approval.
By the time they settled into her living room, Rachel was on edge. Something about all this just didn't
sit right and she started to think that Quinn's abrupt change of heart-- from calling their kiss 'nothing' to
claiming it was 'amazing' was a little weird.
Granted Quinn was a little weird--so hot and cold, so difficult to read. Rachel had always known there
was more to Quinn than the image of chilled perfection she tried to portray, and Rachel had caught a
glimpse of something deeper over the past few years. Rachel wanted to think the best of Quinn, but
she couldn't help begin to wonder if maybe the whole thing was some big, elaborate joke on her.
It wasn't out of the realm of possibility, though Rachel hoped after everything over the past few years,
Quinn wouldn't do that to her. She hoped they were really friends and this wasn't some huge prank.
But maybe she just let herself be blinded by her need for attention. Rachel knew for a fact that Quinn
could sense and then zero-in on weakness and insecurity. How else to explain Quinn's uncanny ability
to touch upon her deepest insecurities? Anyone who knew her knew she needed attention. Rachel
didn't want to be like that, but she accepted it as a part of who she was. Quinn, however, could zero in
on that and exploit it.
Generally, she didn't allow any one person to bring her down-- she didn't even let a collection of
people down. She'd always been naturally optimistic, so she didn't let the treatment of her peers bring
her down-- much. But one person could make a huge difference in the world, and Quinn Fabray had
always had an ability to cut Rachel down.
"You're quiet," Quinn noted nervously as they sat around Rachel's living room in silence.
"Uh-huh," Rachel said quietly.
"I thought you wanted to talk," Quinn said softly.
All of the confidence Rachel felt earlier eroded away and she was now paranoid that this whole thing
was a big joke on her. The Slushies and insults from the incident with Finn had finally died down and
she didn't want a recurrence. She went into her senior year thinking she and the rest of the glee club
were going to rule the school and now she just wanted the rest of the senior year to not be torturous.
She wished she had someone to talk about this with. Someone who wasn't Quinn. But she had no
one.
"I don't, actually," Rachel said quietly. She stood up and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "To be
honest with you, I'd like to be alone right now."
Which was pretty ridiculous because she'd never felt so lonely in her life.
"But--"
Rachel averted her eyes so as to avoid eye contact with Quinn. "Could you please go home?"
"I thought we were going to talk," Quinn said quietly.
"I'm tired."
"It's seven o'clock," Quinn pointed out softly.
"I just need time to think."
"Well…sometimes you think out loud," Quinn pointed out.
Rachel couldn't help smiling at that, because as much as she wished she could deny it, it was true.
"Is this a prank?" Rachel blurted.
Quinn looked stunned. "What?"
"Is this a prank?" Rachel repeated. "I mean, tomorrow are you going to tell everyone in school that I
kissed you and--"
"No!" Quinn said. "How could you even ask me that? Why would I even do that? I mean, I have way
more to lose by kissing you than you do and--"
"What do you mean you have waymore to lose?" Rachel asked sharply, adding the emphasis, though
she had an idea of what Quinn meant.
Quinn flushed. "I just meant--"
"I know what you meant," Rachel said stonily. "I really think you should leave now."
"Rachel--"
"Please," Rachel said flatly.
Swallowing hard, Quinn got up.
"Rachel--"
"I'll see you tomorrow, Quinn."
Quinn was teary-eyed when she was leaving, but Rachel just didn't have the strength to go after her. It
was only after she heard the front door close that she had enough momentum to move. She locked the
front door and trudged up the stairs to her fathers' bedroom.
She collapsed on a heap in the middle of their bed.
--
Realistically, Rachel knew that even if her fathers were alive, this wasn't the sort of thing she could talk
to them about.
But she still thought of her fathers as her best friends--they'd always been her biggest supporters and
now that they were gone, she liked to wistfully think she could still confide in them about her life like
she did when she was five and kids were kicking sand in her face until she cried.
She knew it wasn't exactly healthy that she still talked about her dead fathers in the present tense or
that she still tidied up their bedroom and changed their linens every week like they were just on
vacation and due back any moment. But some part of her still held onto hopeless hope.
She didn't have anyone she felt she could really confide in and sometimes she felt like she would go
crazy if she didn't let some of her thoughts out.
She clutched one of her fathers' pillows to her chest as she curled up on her side.
"I like this girl," Rachel said out loud, because even though she knew she had no one to listen to her,
sometimes, it helped to say things out loud. It was also the first time she'd acknowledged, out loud, her
long-standing attraction to Quinn Fabray. It used to be easy to push aside the stirrings of attraction she
felt for the blonde-- Quinn used to hurl Slushies in her face and called her a pathetic tranny. But it was
different now-- Quinn was sweet to her, kind and affectionate and it was difficult not to be attracted to
that. She knew that if she'd told that to her fathers, they would have just accepted it and not expected
to put a label on her feelings of gay-straight-curious-or-bi. They would have just accepted that fact that
she liked a girl and moved on."But I don't know what her intentions are. She used to be…" Rachel
searched for a diplomatic way to put it, and then laughed at herself a little because she was acting like
she had to sugarcoat things for her fathers so they wouldn't totally hate Quinn, when really, what was
the point? They were gone. "Let's just say we didn't have the most amicable relationship," Rachel said,
laughing softly.
She suppressed a sob as she thought back to that disastrous family vacation when she was fourteen.
Her fathers had taken her to Mexico to celebrate her fourteenth birthday and they'd promised her they
could go to LA on the way back. She'd tried to assert her independence when they planned a tour, just
the three of them. She didn't want to go on it and insisted she was old enough to stay in the hotel by
herself for a few hours-- it was a resort for God's sake.
They had a hard time giving her space. They barely let her out of their sight. They were both
independently wealthy even before they became a couple, and their wealth obviously doubled once
they formed their union, but they lived modestly. They each worked from home, so there was never a
reason for Rachel to be unsupervised.
Rachel knew their paranoia about her was because CPS took her away based on outlandish
allegations when she was three.
She didn't remember being in foster care at all, but the way her fathers talked about it, scared her.
They didn't trust anyone after that and so as early as she could remember, they were teaching her to
be independent so she would never have to rely on anyone other than them and herself. Her fathers
were the benevolent, loving deities of her admittedly tiny world and they lavished attention and love on
her the way gods always loved their favorites.
She trusted them completely as early as she could remember, and she remembered that though she
participated in the world, there was always a part of her that held back, her fathers' warnings always
whispering to her.
But when she turned 14, she started to feel the urge to branch out-- to become familiar with the
outside.
On that birthday trip, she'd thrown a huge tantrum and other less tolerant parents probably would have
beaten the attitude out of her. But her fathers just looked at one another and finally conceded this one
time that maybe she was old enough, provided she just stay in the hotel room, never open the door,
keep the window shut and the blinds closed.
They'd kissed her on the way out, sweetly wishing her a happy birthday again, and promising her to be
back in time for dinner. They offered one more time, 'are you sure you don't want to come with us?'
and they'd looked at her with such hope. But the promise of freedom, of solitude was just too much, so
she refused.
Now, she had was freedom and solitude. She could come and go as she pleased, do what she
wanted.
She could join all the clubs on campus, throw herself into every extracurricular activity that would
accept her, invite herself along to gatherings, try to make friends with people who had no interest in
befriending her or try to attract all the people without a corresponding, reciprocating interest she
wanted. But it would still not change the fact she was alone.
On that trip, however, her taste of freedom came in the form of an hour-long nap followed by watching
some truly entertaining telenovelas. It was a dumb way to spend her fourteenth birthday, but she'd
loved it. But hours passed and she started to grow antsy-- her fathers rented a car and it was just the
two of them, so she couldn't check any tour companies to see exactly how long a tour was supposed
to last. When they didn't come back after nine hours, she was terrified.
It turned out to be for good reason.
She found out from a kindly hotel employee of her fathers' car accident.
She went on auto-pilot after that.
She managed to secure her fathers' bodies-- burnt beyond recognition, but identifiable through jewelry
and personal effects.
It was easy enough for her to just go back home on her flight. Her parents didn't sign up for the Smart
Traveler program, so the State Department didn't get involved. They didn't have any family in Lima--
just a cousin in Colorado she never spoke to, so her fathers never filled out the Emergency Contact
forms on their passports. She was old enough that she could travel without an adult.
Someone at the airport helped her bring her parents' bodies home, since there were rules for
transporting human remains.
Then, when she got home, she picked up Cow from the pet hotel and cried for a full day with her face
buried in Cow's fur and then she made arrangement to bury her parents.
She never even thought about telling anyone about what happened to her parents. Her fathers always
told her to keep family stuff private because she couldn't trust anyone other than them. She knew if
she'd ever told anyone, her situation would likely be reported to the authorities and she'd definitely end
up in foster care, and her parents made her terrified of that prospect.
She couldn't remember foster care at all, but her fathers drilled into her head again and again what an
awful experience that was for her, and she wasn't going to subject herself to it. She wasn't a little kid--
she could take care of herself, and her parents trained her to be self-sufficient. They taught her about
mortgages, property taxes, late fees, credit scores and credit checks. They taught her all of that and
she knew she could stay under the radar as long as she kept up with appearances. People really only
cared about money and her parents had enough in savings and checking for her to survive as long as
she budgeted and made pocket cash from teaching dance to the little ones at the studio where she
took lessons. Rachel knew as long as she kept the bills paid and stayed out of major trouble, no one
would care enough to ask questions or poke around.
She wanted to cry at how easy it was for her fathers just to disappear, like they didn't matter. Since
they worked from home, there were no coworkers to inform. Her fathers didn't really have friends
anymore-- after she went into foster care, they started to become paranoid about the people in their
lives thinking one of their friends may not really be a friend. They had no family who cared about them.
All they had was her and she felt very pitiful indeed. She wished she could have given them the lavish
funeral they deserved, but instead, she settled for lavish grave markers at the Bethlehem/Heffner
Cemetery. She visited them at least once a month, but she aimed for once a week. She always made
sure to visit on her birthday because she remembered her birthday was not a time for her celebrate,
but to mourn her fathers.
Her fathers didn't just want her to be book smart or street smart-- that wasn't enough. They wanted her
to have common sense, they wanted her to be savvy, and so they started teaching her about life at an
early age.
"You're our princess, and one day you'll find a prince or princess, but sometimes prince or princesses
are really frogs. Life can be war, baby, and we're just giving you the arms."
Sure, they were paranoid, but they had good reasons to be-- they often said the time she was in foster
care was the worst and terrifying of their lives and she often felt apologetic that she couldn't remember
a period in her life that caused them such pain. They may have been a little paranoid trying to teach a
ten year old about the intricacies of refinancing a home, but looking back on it, it'd probably saved her
life. The mortgage on the house was paid off now, so she only worried about the property taxes a
couple times a year, along with the utilities. She made sure nothing ever went into arrears. She
guaranteed the front lawn was always immaculate so the neighbors wouldn't complain, because she
knew for a fact neighbors complained about anything. The neighbors wouldn't think twice about not
seeing her fathers in three years, but they'd throw a fit if the grass got too high. She kept up with
ostentatious holiday decorations because it was her fathers' traditions and she didn't want anyone
poking around and asking why they'd stopped. She did everything she could to make sure no one
asked questions.
She talked about her fathers in the present tense, always. Sometimes, she even still thought about
them in the present tense. Sometimes, after a particularly exciting day, she'd run into the house,
chattering about it, calling out to her fathers and then remembering a moment too late that they were
gone.
She missed her fathers desperately and she just wished they were still around because even if she
couldn’t confide in them about Quinn, she thought just having her daddies again would make things
better. Maybe she would still feel lonely, but at least she wouldn't be alone.
"She's really beautiful," Rachel said quietly, resting her head on a pillow. "Daddy, if you saw her, you
would describe her as 'elegant.'" She paused. "Dad, you would be inappropriate and say that she is
foxy, which is just really weird and you know it, so I don't know why you won't stop." Rachel
suppressed a sob, because she could do anything to hear her dad be inappropriate again. "I think she
might genuinely like me," Rachel said quietly. "She invites me along when we visit with her little girl--
she has the most beautiful daughter. But Beth isn't really hers….it's a long story," she said with a sigh.
"Sometimes I think she might really like me because why would she let me be around Beth if she
didn't?" She drew a shaky breath. "But people are just really confusing for me. She's really confusing
for me and sometimes, I think she's just messing with me."
Rachel sighed as she contemplated the whole thing. She wasn't sure what her parents would tell her.
They were paranoid and wary to be sure, and they were fiercely protective of her. They always told her
to not tell the details of their family to her friends (like she had any) or her classmates, because of the
fear her classmates would tell their parents who would somehow twist it. But at the same time, they
urged her to be kind to people even when they were unkind to her. "Just be polite, if you can't bring
yourself to be nice, sweetheart," they would tell her, and she tried. She tried so hard to do that, even
when it went against her natural inclination, like when Mr. Schuester shot down her ideas because he
was too married to one of his terrible ideas that frequently had poor execution-- at least she raised her
hand when she called him out on it.
"She looked so sad when I told her to go home," Rachel murmured, putting her hand to her cheek
contemplatively as she remembered the way her daddy used to touch her cheek when he put her to
bed when she was little. It always made her smile even when she was cross with him. "But she's going
to major in Drama at Yale, so perhaps this is just an acting exercise-- it's been known to happen to me
before," Rachel said softly, thinking of Jesse. She sighed. "I don't know what to do," Rachel said, her
voice cracking. "She's my only friend right now and she could just be toying with me and if she did…"
she trailed off for a moment. "That would make me really sad," she said quietly. "But it's not outside the
realm of possibility. People don't like me very much," Rachel whispered. "And they like to prove it to
me."
She went silent for a long time as she ran over the situation in her head.
Rachel rubbed her face into her daddy's pillow. "I should have gone with you guys," she said softly.
Of all the regrets she had in her life, her greatest one was not going on that tour with her fathers.
"We'd probably all be together now if I had," Rachel said wistfully. She paused. "Thank you for
listening, dad, daddy," she said quietly, her voice trembling. "I'm sorry I was such a brat to you that
day. I bet I really would have loved the tour."
She wished she just had one friend she could confide in, whom she wouldn't worry wouldn't sell her
out and uproot her life. Every time she got close enough to someone where she felt ready to tell them,
because keeping her fathers' deaths a secret and being unable to mourn them properly, felt so heavy,
something always happened to end the friendship.
And after so many times of that happening, she had to face the fact that maybe the problem was her.
--
When Rachel woke up the next morning, she was still in her fathers' bed. She sighed and rubbed at
her tired eyes, feeling pathetic and pitiful.
Her fathers liked to tell her that life was a gift, and though Rachel had a very hard time believing that,
she wanted to live her life under that philosophy out of respect to her fathers; despite the fact that
there were many times when she contemplated the return policy on such a 'gift.'
She got in a workout on the elliptical and then took a long shower.
She took an extra long time choosing her ensemble.
She stood in front of her closet as she contemplated her outfit.
Her fathers always bought her the plaid skirts and animal sweaters that became her trademark at
McKinley. Truthfully, she'd never really liked the articles of clothing while her fathers were alive, but
she dressed that way because she didn't have the heart to tell her parents that she hated their taste in
fashion. Plus, they were just such amazing fathers to her, she wanted to be respectful. She thought it
would really hurt them if she told them she found both their fashion senses to be atrocious.
After they were gone, she started to develop a true soft spot for those outfits, even if they were objects
of ridicule. She actually kind of liked them and how she looked in them. She didn't start getting self-
conscious or embarrassed about her outfits until people started making fun of her with more venom
which didn't happen until sophomore year. They'd jeered at her freshman year, but it'd been easier to
ignore then because they just called her 'granny toddler' not 'tranny granny toddler.' She didn't think
she looked cool or anything-- the argyle was too dorky for that, but she didn't think she looked like a
troll or some other awful name people still occasionally called her.
Though she still considered Kurt a friend, even if he wasn't speaking to her anymore, she still
remembered, quite vividly, all the points he picked at when he gave her that disastrous makeover
when they were both trying to nab Finn. She still carried that with her and even if he would later lavish
praises on her and try to dissuade her from getting a nose job, she still thought about the way he
picked at every insecurity she had about her physical appearance under the guise of friendship. And
she still wondered if he meant those things, because he never said he didn't.
It was only recently that she started feeling comfortable enough to veer away from those outfits her
fathers had chosen for her and started dressing in her natural style, because she'd started to accept
that not liking her fathers' taste in clothing wasn't being disrespectful to their memories.
But she missed her fathers that morning and she finally decided on an outfit they would have selected
for her.
She walked into school that morning in a black skirt (a little shorter than her fathers would have
preferred, but she did have a two inch growth spurt between her freshman and sophomore years of
high school), a white button down shirt and a red sweater with two cats emblazoned on it.
She walked into the hallway where her locker was located and felt particularly lonely. She caught sight
of Finn, Kurt and Blaine speaking at Finn's locker. They all looked at her, and Blaine smiled and gave
a slight wave, but otherwise, all three looked away. She went to her locker to get her books out. When
she looked to her right, she happened to catch Quinn's eye.
Quinn shut her locker and leaned her back against it. She smiled hesitantly and gave a slight,
awkward wave.
Rachel swallowed hard and gave a small smile in return.
Rachel flushed self-consciously when she saw that way Quinn moved her eyes up and down the
length of her body-- 'elevatoring' as people called it. She could almost see a thought bubble over
Quinn's head reading 'toddler granny.'
They avoided each other for the rest of the school day, which was okay with Rachel because neither of
them were mean about it. If avoidance could be gentle, they managed to do it.
At the end of school, Rachel approached Quinn at her locker and put her hand on Quinn's elbow.
Quinn turned and smiled. "Hello."
Rachel smiled back. "Hello," she greeted. "If I agreed to make you a BLT with extra bacon, could I
convince you to come over?"
"That depends," Quinn said lightly. "Are you going to kick me out after five seconds?"
Rachel gave her a small smile. "Please," she murmured. "I feel awful about how things went last
night."
Quinn swallowed visibly. "Okay," she said quietly
--
Rachel was nervous as they sat at her kitchen table.
"I'm sorry about last night," Rachel said quietly, fidgeting.
"Me too," Quinn said softly.
Rachel raised an eyebrow. "You didn't do anything wrong."
Quinn stared at her hands. "I was a bitch," she said bluntly. "I'm sorry. Not for kissing you," she added
quickly. She paused. "Unless you want me to be sorry. Then I'm sorry."
"You aren't messing with me, right?" Rachel questioned softly.
"No," Quinn said. "And I'm so sorry about what I said last night. That I had more to lose than you. It
was awful of me."
Rachel sighed. "It was factual," she said quietly.
"Rachel--"
"No, truly," Rachel said, putting her hand up. "It's fine. I just…please tell me you aren't just messing
with me."
Rachel didn't think she could handle it if their whole friendship were just some elaborate hoax. If it
turned out this whole shy, awkward, cute thing Quinn was doing was just an act, Rachel was just going
to call McKinley a loss and transfer schools.
Rachel was discovering so many sides to Quinn and she really liked everything she saw, so if all this
was just a trick, Rachel wasn't sure if she could handle that. She knew if it were really a trick then
Quinn wouldn't cop to it when asked, but Rachel had to at least do her due diligence.
"I'm not messing with you," Quinn whispered.
Rachel bit her lower lip. "I…" she was at a loss for words, so she got off her chair and crouched in front
of Quinn's chair. She rose up, though still on bent knees and pressed a kiss to Quinn's lips.
It was just a peck, but Rachel pulled back and gauged Quinn's face for her reaction.
Quinn swallowed hard. "I need to go slow, okay, whatever this is?" she asked softly.
Rachel nodded wordlessly, accepting this, and Quinn smiled.
Leaning forward, Quinn pressed her lips to Rachel's. It was a closed mouth kiss, but it lingered and
when Quinn pulled back, she licked her own lips.
"I should go," Quinn said softly.
Rachel's face fell. "I thought--um…o-okay."
Quinn didn't even stay long enough for Rachel to make her a sandwich.
Quinn stood up, and Rachel rose to her feet as well.
"Do you want to go out on Saturday?" Quinn asked lowly.
Rachel's face brightened. She didn't even have to contemplate it. "Yes."
"Pick me up at seven," Quinn said, before she smiled and walked away.
Rachel grinned and followed after Quinn the way Cow followed after her so she could walk the blonde
to the door. "Okay."
mjacton
2012-01-17 06:13 pm (local)
Oh, Rachel! :(
So, would it really be possible for Rachel to pull off what she's doing here? I mean, you're known for
putting these characters in extreme situations, but I'm guessing most of them are at least possible and
happen occasionally. But, is this really possible for Rachel to just carry on without interference?
Either way, it's an effective way to make Rachel that much more of a sympathetic character than she
already is.
So, it was Rachel that Quinn almost got in an accident with in chapter 1. Nice detail.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-17 10:36 pm (local)
I think a youth with a certain amount of savvy could pull it off. Rachel certainly has savvy.
I mean, these days, things are done online and schools rarely deal with parents one-on-one if the
parent does not initiate contact and the kid is not a problem..
And yes! It was Rachel that Quinn almost had an accident with!
miauaa
2012-01-18 11:35 pm (local)
Oh man! It's only chapter four and you've had me in tears twice already, this particular chapter I cried
like a little girl. I had a feeling Rachel's dads had passed away because of the cemetery encounter in
chapter one (I didn't think you'd put something like that randomly in, the car was the same as
Rachel's)and her spending new year's alone, drunk, crying her little heart out and then lying about it.
Heartbreaking story is heartbreaking and by your description is still going to get much, much worse,
isn't it? It's wonderfully written and like your other stories it just captures me, and even though I'm a
little depressed after reading them, I just can't not read them.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:29 am (local)
ah, sorry!! Yes-- that was totally Rachel in chapter 1 with whom Quinn nearly had an accident.
Thank you so much! But I am told this one is not that bad in terms of angst!
1/25/2016 FIC: Melting Glaciers [5a/12] - sulkygeek fan fic journal: crappy fanfic.
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FIC: Melting Glaciers [5a/12] quinn/rachel quinntana rachel
Chapter 5a rachel/santana santana santana/quinn shelby
sulkygeekff
January 16th, 2012
Quinn had no idea what the fuck she was doing, because she'd been adamantly,
diametrically opposed to giving into temptation and kissing girls, and now she was practically planning
a marriage proposal to Rachel Berry.
Granted the marriage proposal was more of an idle daydream-- the thought of marrying anyone right
now kind of made Quinn shudder, and not in a good way, particularly after that Finn/Rachel fiasco in
the janitor's closet. But being around Rachel as much as she was, and seeing the way Rachel was so
good with Beth even when she really didn't have to be and just getting to know her-- how could she not
kiss Rachel?
Quinn had to admit she understood what Finn saw in Rachel and why he was such a moping mess
since the breakup. Quinn recognized Rachel's appeal, and all her resolve to ignore and sublimate
some of her gayer urges was cast aside.
God, there had to be witchcraft involved, because she swore to herself she wouldn't do this, and then
she told Rachel Berry to pick her up for a date.
'Am I having a stroke?' Quinn wondered.
The thought bugged her enough to check WebMD and though sometimes her balance was a little off,
and she got a little dizzy when she saw Rachel, apparently asking another girl out was not a stroke
symptom.
--
That week, during the visit with Beth, Quinn found it hard to concentrate on just the toddler, which she
knew wasn't really fair to the little girl. She was just so distracted by Rachel's. presence, and it was
kind of gratifying to see how Rachel seemed distracted by hers, too. Every time she turned to look at
Rachel, she found that Rachel was already staring at her. This would result in Rachel giving her a
slightly embarrassed smile which would amuse Quinn enough into smiling back. Then Rachel would
smile a little more fully, the way Quinn really liked, before she'd look away and after a few moments,
peek back to see if Quinn was still looking-- and she almost always was.
If she weren't an active participant in the interaction, Quinn would have been disgusted. She was still
appalled by how adorable she truly found it.
Shelby seemed to twig on what was going on between the two of them because Quinn kept seeing
Shelby glance furtively between her and Rachel. There was a mean impulse in her that wanted to tell
Shelby, "you took my baby and now I get to take yours," but she felt ashamed of herself almost the
instant she thought it.
This was the trade-off that she'd discovered: she had more energy than Shelby, but Shelby had more
patience and if Quinn absolutely had to choose between those two traits in a mother for Beth, Quinn
actually would choose patience.
But that didn't mean she had to like it. Or like Shelby for that matter.
Toward the end of the visit, Quinn burned with admittedly unreasonably hot jealousy when she saw
Rachel shyly show Shelby the A+ she got on an assignment for English that Shelby apparently
proofread for her.
Shelby hesitantly pulled Rachel into a hug-- and it lasted longer than Quinn thought was necessary.
"I'm really proud of you." Shelby told Rachel softly, once they pulled apart. Shelby raised her hand to
Rachel's face and Shelby gently pressed the back of her hand to Rachel's cheek. "So proud."
Rachel blushed and beamed at her. "Thank you."
Quinn glared at Shelby as she walked up to them and hooked her arm to Rachel's. "Come on, Rach.
We have that history test to study for."
Rachel nodded, her attention fully on Quinn now. "Of course. We should stop off and pick something
up for dinner before we go to my house."
"Don't stay up too late, you need your sleep," Shelby told Rachel with a small smile
This made Quinn irate, but Rachel took it all in stride. "Yes, of course. We are very responsible,"
Rachel told Shelby, her eyes wide as she nodded emphatically.
Quinn chuckled at the sight because Rachel could look like such a little kid sometimes, it was no
wonder she and Beth hit it off so fabulously.
Shelby smiled fondly. "Drive safe, sweetheart."
Rachel smiled. "I will."
--
They'd driven to Shelby's home separately, so Quinn walked Rachel to her car rather than walking
straight to her own, despite the fact her car was actually closer.
Rachel grabbed Quinn's hand and twirled herself around before dropping Quinn's hand and opening
her car door.
"Okay," Rachel said softly, smiling shyly, peering up at Quinn. She bit her lip. "I'm…going to pick up
some dinner for us. Is Chinese okay?"
Quinn smiled back. "It's perfect. Um, I can go with you, if you want."
"It's okay," Rachel demurred. She bit her lip and appeared contemplative before she pulled her house
keys off her key ring. "Here," she said handing them to Quinn. "Let yourself in and make yourself at
home until I get there."
Quinn hesitated. "Your dads aren't going to be around?"
Quinn was all right with meeting them eventually-- she knew it was inevitable. But she didn't want to go
to Rachel's house and be stuck alone with her parents. That would be awkward.
Rachel shook her head. "No," she said quietly. "Don't worry about that. They're um, out of town again."
--
Quinn was watching TV when Rachel came home carrying a bag of food. "Hi," Rachel said, setting the
food on the coffee table.
Cow was jumping around everywhere and Rachel frowned down at him. "No, Cow. This food is not for
you. You aren't allowed human food because the veterinarian said you are too fat and that is why you
are experiencing respiratory problems. I'm going to feed you in a second."
Quinn chuckled at the way Rachel spoke to Cow like he actually understood.
"I'll get some plates," Rachel said to Quinn. "It'll just be a few minutes though because I want to feed
Cow first."
"Oh, I already fed him," Quinn said.
Rachel paused. "You did?"
"Yeah," Quinn said. "I hope you don't mind. But I've seen you feed him-- just one bowl of the dry food,
right? That's his special low-fat diet food?"
Quinn found it ridiculous that Cow was on a special diet, but she supposed that dogs could get
pancreatitis, too.
"Yeah," Rachel said softly. She looked like she was going to cry for a moment and then she gave
Quinn a wide smile. "Thank you for taking care of my dog." Her voice caught. "He's important to me,
he was a gift from my dads."
"Yeah," Quinn murmured. "Of course." She paused. "He ate like a pig. Are you sure that's enough?
Because I was a little scared by the way he ate. I thought he was going to eat me."
Rachel laughed. "That's just the way he always eats, you've seen him," Rachel said, making a gesture
with her hands as if she were wildly shoveling food into her mouth to demonstrate what a little pig that
Cow actually was. She bent down and played with Cow's face. "Why do you act like I never feed you?
Why are you so demanding of attention?" she asked. "Please show a little decorum, Cow."
Quinn could not help it. She snorted in amusement
Rachel gave her a slight frown, but smiled to show she wasn't truly upset. "I'll wash my hands and
bring some plates," Rachel said. "There are already chopsticks and forks inside the bag. What do you
want to drink?"
"Whatever," Quinn said. "I don't care, really."
"I have some watermelon basil lemonade. I just made some last night. Is that okay?"
"That sounds really good, actually, yeah."
Rachel walked into the kitchen, Cow yipping and jumping after her.
--
Rachel came back a few minutes later carrying two plates, stacked on top of one another with the
glasses on top plate. She set everything on the coffee table and sat down on the couch next to Quinn.
"I, um, have something for you," Rachel said shyly. She bit her lip nervously.
"What is it?" Quinn murmured.
Rachel hesitated for a moment and then for her purse on the floor. "It's really nothing," she said. "I--I
just saw it in one of those vending machines you can get toys in at Chow's," she murmured, pulling out
a bubble with a tiny toy pig in it and offering it to Quinn.
Quinn smiled and took it. She opened the bubble and let the tiny pig tumble into her hand.
It wasn't well-made, but it was cute in its own way. It was made of a soft material and Quinn squeezed
it between her fingers. "He's cute."
"Are you going to name him?" Rachel asked with a smile.
"Maybe," Quinn said. "I haven't decided."
"Why not 'Oink'?"
Quinn snorted. "Why do you name animals things like Oink and Cow?"
"Well, I called the sow that Finn got me for Christmas 'Barbra.'"
Quinn grinned. "How did Cow get his name?" she asked as she began making a plate of food for
Rachel.
Rachel smiled. "I liked cows when I was little. I thought they were pretty." She paused. "Primarily I
wanted one as a pet to ride it though." She scrunched up her face and pursed her lips. "But my dads
said no."
Quinn bit back a smile. "No to having a cow as a pet or no to riding one?" she asked, trying to quell the
laughter brewing inside her.
"Both."
Quinn laughed softly and handed Rachel her plate of food before making her own. "I'll research if
there's a way I can ever get you a ride on a cow."
"Oh, I wouldn't ride a cow now. That seems very unethical."
Quinn shook her head. "When you become famous, please swear to me you'll never be a PETA
spokesperson."
Rachel grinned. "You think I'll become famous?"
Quinn smiled. "Of course I do."
Rachel bit her lip and touched Quinn's hand. "Thank-you," she said sincerely.
Quinn swallowed hard at the genuine emotion she saw etched on Rachel's face. It was almost too
much for her to handle. "Well, I didn't say famous for your talent. Maybe you'll get famous robbing a
bank or breaking into an animal testing lab," she joked.
Rachel made a face and swatted at Quinn's hand. She bit her lip. "Will you promise me something?"
Quinn looked cautious. "What?"
"When you become famous, will you promise to remember me?"
Quinn smiled. "You think I'll be famous?"
Rachel smiled. "Yale does have a wonderful Drama program. And though I do not believe your natural
talent matches or surpasses my natural talent, you do possess far more natural talent than most of the
talentless generic wannabe-ingénues who are trying to make a name for themselves now."
Quinn arched an eyebrow and stared at Rachel in amusement. "Do you ever give a straight-forward
compliment?"
Rachel blushed. "I'm sorry," she apologized.
Quinn smiled. "I promise. I'll remember you. You're pretty unforgettable."
Rachel grinned. "I am pretty unforgettable," she agreed.
Quinn rolled her eyes and shook her head, but she smiled fondly.
--
They finished eating and Rachel passed Quinn a fortune cookie.
Rachel smiled. "We have to open them at the same time."
Quinn chuckled. "Is that a rule?"
Rachel nodded very seriously. "Yes, absolutely. It is one of the cardinal rules of life."
Quinn blinked. "Carnal?!" she squeaked, mishearing.
"Cardinal," Rachel enunciated, blushing fiercely.
Quinn laughed. "Oh!"
Rachel chuckled. "Yes."
Quinn was mortified. "Uh--"
"So, on three, we both open our cookies. One, two, three."
They broke their cookies in half.
Quinn read hers out loud "A gambler will not only lose what he has, but what he doesn't have." For
whatever reason, this made her blush.
Rachel rolled her eyes. "I have a general disdain for judgmental cookie fortunes. Mine reads 'allow
compassion to guide your decisions.'" She nodded. "I generally try to do this even without the
patronizing suggestions of a judgmental fortune cookie."
Quinn gazed at her for a moment. "You're so weird," she commented finally.
Rachel's laughter was lilting. "But of course, you knew this."
--
Though Rachel could be a somewhat humorless study partner, Quinn could admit she appreciated
how Rachel could stay on point. Quinn had a pretty good grade in the class anyway, but by the end of
the three hour review/cram session, Quinn felt very confident about the history exam.
Quinn was simultaneously relieved and disappointed that nothing happened between the two of them
beyond smiling a little too hard at each other for the duration of the study session. It made things
easier.
At the end of the night, after Rachel walked her to her car, after she swore to Rachel (with fond
exasperation), that yes, she would absolutely text to let her know she got home safe, and after Rachel
pouted and said, "I just want to make sure you get home in one piece, road safety is very important to
me," there was really nothing else left to say beyond "goodnight, see you tomorrow."
Quinn gazed at Rachel contemplatively and unconsciously licked her lips which suddenly felt so dry
and chapped, she started to become self-conscious about them and raised her hand to cover her
mouth while she spoke.
"Well, good night," she repeated.
Rachel smiled and reached for the hand that Quinn was hiding behind and threaded their fingers
together.
"Can I kiss you good night?" Rachel breathed.
Quinn exhaled a soft breath. "Okay," she whispered.
Quinn bent her head slightly while Rachel stood on tiptoe and their lips touched.
They pulled apart, but their lips remained only centimeters apart.
"Your lips are really soft," Rachel murmured.
Quinn swallowed visibly and moved closer, so their lips could meet again.
"Your lips are amazing," Quinn whispered unthinkingly.
They smiled at one another, but it was Quinn who laughed first.
"We sound like we're in middle school," Quinn commented.
Rachel gave her a sly smile. "Maybe even primary school."
"Well, we do go back to hopscotch and big crayons."
Rachel gave her a small grin. "You never let me play hopscotch with you when we were younger."
Quinn felt a pang of regret and Rachel saw it instantly.
"Hey," Rachel said softly, taking Quinn's hand and squeezing gently. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make
you feel bad.
"We'll play hopscotch one day," Quinn promised.
Rachel grinned. "Well, I'm pretty much over that now."
Quinn traced Rachel's lower lip with her thumb. "Are you?" she asked quietly. When she thought about
the way she'd treated Rachel over the twelve years they'd known each other, she felt guilty and sad.
So, she wondered if Rachel thought about it, too.
Rachel smiled and puckered her lips to kiss Quinn's thumb. "That's in the past," she murmured. She
paused and gazed at Quinn contemplatively. "Right?" she asked, hinting for reassurance.
Quinn swallowed hard, because yes, she felt bad about making others feel badly about themselves.
She'd always felt bad about it. But she didn't exactly feel comfortable with this constant need to
apologize to Rachel for the past. It aggravated her temper. But she did feel genuine remorse, even if
she couldn't actually say the words 'I'm sorry'. "Right," she agreed softly.
Rachel bit her lip. "You aren't messing with me, right?" she whispered.
Rachel looked so worried that Quinn couldn't feel irate about it-- she wanted to reassure Rachel the
best she could.
"No," Quinn assured.
Rachel's smile was so relieved, it made Quinn feel even worse about all the years she spent torturing
Rachel because she could make Rachel smile like that for something like, not deliberately messing
with her.
Rachel put her hands on Quinn's shoulders and gently, but firmly, pushed so that Quinn's back
pressed up against her car. Rachel peered up at Quinn for a moment and smiled widely, before she
gripped Quinn's shoulders for balance. She hesitated for a microsecond-- Quinn sensed it and
recognized it because she'd struggled with that herself for the whole night-- there never seemed to be
the right moment to lean in for a kiss.
But this, this was good enough as far as windows of opportunities went.
Quinn felt a soft puff of Rachel's breath on her chin before Rachel's lips covered hers.
They pulled apart and smiled at one another.
Rachel's hand reached up to touch Quinn's cheek. "Good night," she whispered. "Drive safe. Please
remember to text me when you get home."
"I will," Quinn promised.
Rachel gently pulled the keys from Quinn's hands to unlock the door. She opened it and held it open
for the blonde. "Goodnight," she repeated.
"Goodnight," Quinn echoed, as she got into the car. She gazed up at Rachel, feeling the need to
prolong this night just a little longer though it'd been fairly prosaic until just a few minutes ago.
"Your seatbelt," Rachel reminded quietly.
"Right," Quinn said, reaching with her right hand across her left shoulder for her seat belt, just as
Rachel reached for it to assist her.
Their hands touched and Quinn reminded herself not to feel so giddy when they were just touching
hands, not even holding them.
Quinn fastened her seat belt and Rachel gave her a final smile before she shut the car door for Quinn
and backed away. Quinn started her ignition and then turned to her left to look one last time at Rachel.
Rachel waved, and of course, Quinn waved back.
Quinn drove home and wanted to rush into her bedroom so she could recount the last ten minutes of
her night with Rachel in her mind, but her mother was in the living room and called out to her.
"Quinn!"
"Hi Mom."
Judy smiled. "How was your study session with Rachel?"
"She's militant, but it was okay."
Judy laughed. "She's a strange one."
Quinn smiled. "Yeah," she agreed.
Judy seemed to hesitate before she spoke again-- the expression on her face was not easily
discernible and Quinn could not remember ever seeing her mother look quite like that. Quinn was
usually adept at reading the expressions on her parents' faces, and she got good at knowing when she
should expect a smack to the face or a put-down. Her mom wasn't drunk, so there was no danger of
the former, but still, Quinn felt a little on edge.
"She seems like a very good girl, Quinn," Judy said quietly.
For Fabrays, there were good girls and…everyone else. "Good girl" was as much approval as a
woman was going to get.
"It's okay, Quinn," Judy said gently-- too gently.
Quinn's lips clenched and she started to sweat. She took a deep breath before she could speak again.
"What's okay, Mom?" she asked, trying not to let her voice quake.
Judy just stared at her for a long moment and Quinn looked away, feeling the need to bolt.
"I should get ready for bed," Quinn said lowly, trying to keep her face as impassive as possible.
"Goodnight, Mom."
Quinn walked to the stairs, but once she was out of sight, she ran to her room and flung herself on the
bed, breathing harshly. She had an idea of what her mother meant, but she dared not hope. And the
mere fact that her mother might know made Quinn cringe.
This night was almost too much.
She texted Rachel Home and then took a hot, hot shower.
--
She lied in bed that night and absently patted her palm over her belly. She had a tendency to do that
now because something about the weight comforted her. She fell asleep wondering when she would
finally be able to stop sleeping alone.
--
The next day, Rachel wasn't in their first period class, which was a little worrying because Rachel was
hardly ever absent and rarely late. Plus, they had that history exam in fourth period. Quinn was
confused because Rachel seemed fine the night before, but Quinn wondered if maybe she got sick
during the night. She texted Rachel as she walked to her second period class. There was no response
by the end of second period, so Quinn slipped into the bathroom before third period to call Rachel.
Rachel picked up. "Hi Quinn," she said softly, but there was a lot of background noise. Her voice
sounded nasal, like she'd been crying.
"Rachel? Are you okay? What's going on? Where are you?"
Rachel sniffled. "I'm okay," she said. "It's just…Cow got loose this morning and I can't find him."
Quinn bit her lip at how upset Rachel sounded. "Do you want help looking for him?"
"It's okay," Rachel said softly. "I'm driving around right now."
"Where are you? I'll meet you."
"No…it's okay. I'll be fine. I'm sure I'll find him."
"Rach," Quinn said gently. "I'll look with you, okay? Just tell me where you are and I'll meet you."
"But you're at school…"
"I don't care about that," Quinn whispered.
She really didn't. It hadn't even occurred to her that she was at school. She didn't have to think twice.
Rachel loved that little mongrel with all her heart, and though Quinn didn't understand how a person
could love an animal that much, that little mutt was important to Rachel.
"Quinn, you don't have to," Rachel whispered back.
"Where are you? I'll meet you," Quinn murmured.
Rachel hesitated and then sighed softly. "Can you meet me back at my house? I want to make some
posters to put up."
"Sure," Quinn murmured tenderly.
--
Quinn left campus without a second thought. She already had her college acceptance and she was in
the top five of her graduating class. One missed day of school wasn't going to hurt.
She got to Rachel's house before the brunette did.
Rachel looked a little upset, but she was otherwise okay, which was a relief because Quinn didn't
know what she would have done if she'd seen Rachel in tears or something.
"Hi," Rachel greeted, giving her a quick hug and a cheek kiss in her driveway that left Quinn blushing.
"Thank you so much. I--I don't think anyone would have been truant from school for me other than
you."
"Sure," Quinn said softly as she followed Rachel into the house.
Rachel went to her room right away and set to making a poster. It was done within a few minutes and
Rachel showed it to Quinn for final approval. Quinn nodded that yes, it was fine and then Rachel
printed 75 copies. Quinn wanted to groan at the thought of putting all those up, but Rachel looked so
upset, Quinn didn't comment.
They got into Rachel's car. Once they turned off from Rachel's street, Rachel rolled down her window
and began screaming "Cow!" out the window.
Quinn stifled a laugh, because really, that was kind of hilarious. She rolled down her window as well
and shouted "Cow!" as she stuck her head out of it.
Beside her, Rachel dissolved into giggles and Quinn didn't feel as guilty for wanting to laugh when
Rachel did the same thing.
They looked at one another briefly before they both shouted out the window "Cow!"
Every few minutes or so, Rachel pulled over the car and Quinn got out to tape a sign to a stop sign,
lamp post or other road fixture. Quinn didn't have the heart to tell Rachel that taping signs up around
town without permission was probably illegal.
When they got to Main Street, Quinn and Rachel were still shouting "Cow!" out the window every few
minutes, but Quinn could see Rachel was getting worried and pessimistic.
"I'm sure Cow is fine, friend," Quinn reassured quietly.
"I know," Rachel said, her voice wavering. She cleared her throat in an effort to steady her voice. "It's
just…it's still so cold out. And he's so little." She sniffed. "And he's overweight. He probably can't
dodge cars as well as he used to when he was a puppy. What if he gets hit by a car?"
"That won't happen, Rach," Quinn soothed.
Rachel sniffed. "He was a present from my dads," she said quietly.
"I know," Quinn replied softly.
--
They'd spent a couple hours searching for Cow when Rachel gasped. "Quinn! The history test!"
Quinn shrugged. "It's okay. I'm sure we can make it up. Even if we can't, it's not a big deal."
Rachel looked distraught. "But you studied hard for it!"
"So, did you," Quinn pointed out.
"But--"
"It's okay," Quinn interrupted. "It's just a test. Let's just concentrate on finding Cow and think about the
test later."
Rachel looked glum. "I know he's just a dog," she said quietly. "But I've had him for ten years." Her
voice wavered. "He was a gift from my dads," she said softly. "On my seventh birthday."
Quinn bit her lip. "Are they going to be upset when they find out he's missing?"
Rachel paused. "No," she answered finally. "They're both away on…business right now. They won't
find out."
"What do your dads do?" Quinn asked curiously, because they never seemed to be around, but
whenever Rachel spoke about them, she always sounded so enthusiastic and loving.
"This and that," Rachel answered vaguely. "Do you think Cow got very far? He runs pretty quickly for
such an old, overweight dog, but he tends to tucker out."
Quinn was amused by the description, but managed not to smile. "Let's just keep looking."
They were on Pine Street, when Quinn and Rachel had the misfortune of sticking their heads out the
window screaming "Cow!" while two rather hefty walkers were speedwalking on the sidewalk. The
man-and-woman couple shot them dirty looks. Rachel blushed and began stammering out an apology
while Quinn laughed and covered her face.
"Oh my God."
Rachel pulled over and started to reverse to explain that they weren't calling the walkers 'cows,' but in
fact, were calling for a dog which happened to be called 'Cow.' However, the couple looked very irate
and Quinn was fairly certain that Rachel's rambling apology would not go over very well.
"Just drive away," Quinn whispered.
"But, Quinn," Rachel protested. "We need to explain that--"
"They're going to eat us. Just drive."
"But--"
"Seriously. Drive
Though Rachel pouted, she did indeed speed away.
Once they got far enough, Quinn started to laugh. Rachel glanced at her disapprovingly, but Quinn
continued to wordlessly stare at Rachel until Rachel laughed, too.
--
They looked until the sun set, but there was no sign of Cow. Once it became clear that it was too dark
to look for the mongrel, Rachel started to become teary, but she managed to smile as she drove back
to her house. "Thank you very much for helping me," she said quietly. "May I buy you dinner to thank
you?"
"You don't have to," Quinn protested.
"Please let me," Rachel insisted softly. "I know no one else who would have done this for me."
Quinn swallowed hard. "Okay," she said reluctantly.
She used to enjoy it when people treated her to things-- she almost thought of it as entitlements. But
she wasn't really comfortable with Rachel doing things like this out of gratitude, not when Quinn
thought helping Rachel look for her lost dog was a basic component of friendship.
And well, though Quinn thought their friendship was in flux and hard to define-- they were definitely
more than friends.
--
They got back to Rachel's after dinner, and Quinn could see how disappointed Rachel was that Cow
hadn't shown up.
"Well," Rachel said softly. "Good night. Thank you."
"Sure," Quinn said softly.
--
Even though Rachel was in class the next morning, Quinn could see from the look on her face that
Cow hadn't returned.
--
They got separated on their way to second period even though they usually walked together-- Rachel
stepped away to discreetly check her phone to see if she had any voicemails about Cow and Quinn
just walked to class. En route to second period, Quinn bought Rachel a box of Alexander the Grape
candy from the vending machine-- the machine hardly ever carried those, so when she saw them,
Quinn knew she had to buy them for Rachel in an effort to cheer her friend up. Grape was, after all,
Rachel's favorite flavor.
She was almost late for class, but it was worth it when she saw the look on Rachel's face as she set it
on Rachel's desk as she rushed to take her seat. Rachel's smile could light up the sky and Quinn had
a hard time remembering why she took so much malicious joy in making Rachel look sad when just
seeing Rachel smile could make her so happy.
--
They were having lunch together in the auditorium when Rachel checked her voicemail since the
auditorium was one of those intermittent dead zones. She had one and listened carefully to a message
and then grabbed Quinn's hand, beaming.
"Someone found Cow!" Rachel said excitedly.
"That's great!" Quinn exclaimed.
Rachel was already calling the person back.
The rest of the lunch, it was like Rachel was an entirely different person. It wasn't that Rachel seemed
despondent or anything before she checked her voicemail, she smiled and laughed like she usually did
and she was pleasant as she always was. But once she got in touch with the Good Samaritan who
found Cow and arranged to pick him up after school, she just lit up and Quinn had a chance to see the
difference between the real Rachel and Rachel's show-face. Quinn was glad whoever found Cow
decided to do the right thing and call Rachel, he was tagged after all, so even if someone missed the
posters, no one could miss the tags. But Quinn amused herself thinking no one other than Rachel
could contain the attention-seeking little mongrel.
--
She accompanied Rachel to pick up Cow from an elderly widow who seemed to fall in love with Rachel
on sight. Rachel grabbed Cow, cuddled him and burst into tears. "I hate you, Cow," she sobbed,
rubbing his face. Once she was done coddling Cow, she passed him to Quinn and hugged the Good
Samaritan, Dorie, and swore to come back later with a plate of gratitude cookies.
--
Quinn had to admit that she was greedy when it came to sharing people. Rachel and Quinn skipped
the first part of glee practice to pick up Cow, so when they got to the choir room with the mutt in tow,
practice was already in full swing.
Immediately, the mongrel was swarmed and Quinn felt possessive and jealous because the other
gleeks were focusing attention on Rachel which steered Rachel's attention away from her and onto
them.
She tried to quash her jealousy because she knew it was unreasonable. She just hated to share.
--
She had a dream that night of using sidewalk chalk to draw squares on the pavement, and she and
Rachel played hopscotch with Beth. She woke up that night with the sound of Rachel and Beth's
laughter mingling. She curled up fetal and clutched her stomach. It wasn't as flat as it used to be--
once upon a time, she'd had abs. But it was proof that Beth was there.
She knew Beth was better off with Shelby, but that didn't make things any less painful. She was
religious enough that she believed in God's plan and that all of this was part of it, she just didn't know
where He was taking her.
For the visit with Beth that week, Rachel got permission from Shelby ahead of time to bring Cow along.
They met at the park despite the fact that it was the very beginning of March and still a little chilly.
Quinn watched, laughing, as Beth shrieked with laughter and chased squirrels with Cow around the
park.
"That's awesome," Quinn commented out loud. It was meant to be rhetorical, but both Rachel and
Shelby, who were standing nearby, laughed.
"Yeah," they agreed together.
It was the first time, in a long time, that Quinn could remember not resenting Shelby.
She still thought Shelby was a monster. But Quinn was so tired of hating her, so tired of missing her
baby. She sent up a prayer to God asking Him to relieve her of anger and bitterness. She didn't have
much longer in Lima, and while she didn't delude herself into believing that she would be ecstatic for
the remainder of her time left in Lima, she didn't want to be miserable anymore. She'd been miserable
for as long as she could remember--even before Beth, and she needed that to change.
--
When she got to school the next day, Rachel was waiting for her at her locker.
"Hi," Rachel greeted with a bright smile.
Quinn smiled back because she found that she couldn't be miserable when Rachel smiled at her like
that.
"I have gratitude cookies for you," Rachel said with a shy smile. "I baked some for Mrs. Reed last night
for finding Cow. So I baked you some, too." Rachel bit her lip and then passed the Tupperware
container to Quinn.
Quinn smiled and opened it. She was startled when she saw cookies in the shape of rose heads. Each
were covered in thin yellow frosting and delicately decorated to resemble petals.
"Wow," Quinn said. "This must have taken you forever to decorate."
Rachel shrugged. "It was worth it," she said softly, peering up at Quinn and then bashfully moving her
shoulders back and forth like a little kid. "Do you like them?"
"They're beautiful. I'm almost sad about eating one."
"Try one," Rachel encouraged a little pleadingly.
Quinn acquiesced and delicately bit into one of the cookies. She almost moaned and how good it
tasted-- the cookie practically melted into her mouth. "Have you ever thought about culinary school?"
Quinn asked, after cramming the rest of the cookie into her mouth, all semblance of good manners
gone.
Rachel laughed and affectionately reached out to wipe crumbs away from Quinn's mouth. "I kind of
have this fantasy for when I'm old-- like, elderly, and I'm not performing anymore. I…I want to open up
a bakery."
"You could do it," Quinn said reverently. She smiled. "You could do anything," she said, meaning it
fully. She suddenly felt a little emotional and needing to regain some control over herself, she joked,
"Broadway star by day, pastry chef by night." But without wanting it, another wave of emotion hit her
and Quinn couldn't resist saying, "you're the only person I know who could do both perfectly."
Rachel beamed at her and took a few steps closer. Quinn drew in a few shallow breaths as she gazed
down at Rachel.
"It means so much to me that you have so much faith in me," Rachel said quietly. Some wave of
emotion passed visibly over Rachel's face before Rachel gave a smile that Quinn would characterize
as 'brave.' Rachel's voice wavered as she whispered, "thank you so much for believing in me."
Quinn gave her a small smile. "Yeah," she said softly.
Rachel smiled back. "Yeah," she echoed quietly.
They stared at one another for a moment until some clumsy freshman carrying too many books jostled
Rachel and all the books the clumsy freshman oaf was carrying fell to the floor.
Quinn and Rachel blinked at one another, and then Rachel laughed and bent down to help the hapless
kid pick up his belongings who was hurriedly crying out apologies.
"I'm so sorry! I am so sorry!"
Rachel smiled. "Don't worry about it."
The kid looked at Rachel, who was helping him gather his books, with flustered gratitude. "Thank you
so much, Rachel!" he said.
Rachel looked at him, puzzled. "How do you know my name?"
He blushed. "I…I…I….really like your glee club," he stammered. "I've seen your videos on MySpace
and everything."
Rachel beamed. "Would you characterize yourself as a fan?" she asked, clearly delighted.
Quinn rolled her eyes.
The kid smiled. "Yes!"
"What's your name?"
"Benji," he blurted and then immediately looked regretful and mortified. "I mean, Benjamin. Ben."
Rachel smiled and stuck her hand out. "It's really nice to meet you, Ben," she said. "If you're a fan of
show choir, you should consider auditioning for glee club. As a rule, everyone who auditions, gets in,
and the team will need more people because most of us are graduating this year."
He shook her hand, pumping a little too vigorously. "I'll do that," he said with a big smile.
Rachel pulled her hand away and passed him the books he'd dropped which she'd collected. "Here,"
she said. "Be careful who you knock into though, Ben. Some of the other students around here are
less than receptive to even the most sincere apologies."
He flushed in a way that indicated he was familiar with that. "Thanks again," he said.
"Sure," Rachel said with a wide smile. "Anytime."
Ben scampered away and Rachel and Quinn exchanged small smiles.
"You're sweet," Quinn murmured to Rachel.
Rachel shrugged. "I could have been denigrating and aggressive," she said. "But what's the point of
putting negativity into the universe? I never saw the point."
Quinn bit her lip, resisting the urge to mock Rachel for saying 'putting negativity into the universe' like
some dirty, jobless hippie. She thought about how she'd always seen the point of 'putting negativity
into the universe'-- if she was miserable, then everyone else needed to be miserable, too. But Rachel,
who always put on a cheerful façade, even when most of the school was making her miserable, never
succumbed to that mean urge.
Quinn thought about the prayer she sent up to God just a few hours before-- when she pleaded with
Him to relieve her of her bitterness, resentment and anger. And she thought perhaps, through Rachel,
God was answering her prayer.
She walked next to Rachel who was smiling like she didn't have a care in the world and felt the urge to
tumble, head first, into Rachel Berry's world and kiss her senseless.
--
She followed Rachel back to her house after school with plans to study, so she was surprised when,
upon entering the house and shutting the door, Rachel pulled her close and gently pressed a kiss to
Quinn's lower lip.
Quinn put her hand on Rachel's back and pulled her closer by gently nudging Rachel forward.
Rachel smiled and rubbed the side of her nose against the side of Quinn's. "This is okay, isn't it?" she
asked softly. "I've wanted to do that all day."
"Yeah," Quinn breathed because it was more than okay.
She and Rachel went up to Rachel's room. Rachel used her foot to gently nudge Cow, still yipping and
protesting, out of her room.
"I'll pay attention to you later, Cow," Rachel promised.
Cow emitted a decidedly dejected bark once the door closed.
They sat down on Rachel's bed. Rachel slipped her iPod into the docking station and set it to shuffle.
Quinn was pleased the first song to pop up wasn’t some optimistic song from a Broadway musical, but
Carla Bruni's cover of 'You Belong to Me.'
"I love this song," Quinn murmured.
The song itself was old, of course. The sort of song her sister, Aubrey, described as 'older than God,'
but Quinn grew up with a mother who loved music from that era, so of course, she had a soft spot.
"Me too."
They settled into silence, but it wasn't oppressive, though Quinn found it a little awkward they weren’t
doing anything except sitting around on Rachel's bed listening to music. They weren't even studying
like they intended.
They didn't speak for the rest of the song, and when it finished, it bled into the next song which was
'Citizen' by Broken Bells. They were maybe halfway into the song when Rachel walked her index and
middle fingers across the space separating her from Quinn. Hesitantly, she took Quinn's hand and
smiled.
Quinn returned the smile and leaned in to kiss her.
Their lips grazed and they both pulled back to regard one another for a moment before Quinn pressed
forward again to brush her lips against Rachel's.
Rachel giggled softly and the tip of her tongue darted out to sweep across Quinn's lower lip. Quinn
laughed and her lips parted, hoping that Rachel would take that as an indicator to take things a little
further.
Rachel did.
Quinn found herself with Rachel Berry's tongue in her mouth, so she did the only sensible thing she
could think to do, which was to get on her back and pull Rachel down with her.
Quinn's experience with kissing was fairly limited and primarily with boys. Finn wasn't a particularly
experienced kisser when they'd first started dating-- making out with him consisted of a series of long
kisses that left her breathless solely because she was literally, without breath because he seemed to
think it was a marathon or something. He'd hold his breath and kiss her for as long as he could, pull
apart, heave a deep gasping breath and then kiss her again. It was decidedly unsexy, and she kept
him around because she knew it would never get much further if he kissed like that, though he did try
to push for more when he thought he'd bestowed a particularly good kiss. Hilariously, after she dated
him the second time, after he'd dated Rachel-- he was a better kisser, finally seeming to get that
kissing wasn't necessarily about one long kiss that left a person gasping for breath, but a series of
smaller kisses, sometimes open-mouthed, sometimes closed-mouth with the occasional giggle to
make it sweeter. Puck was an amazing kisser, but kissing seemed rote to him-- a means to an end. He
kissed her senseless and breathless (in the way kissing was supposed to leave a girl), and then took
her panties off. Sam, despite being graced with luscious lips, fell somewhere in between Finn and
Puck, though leaning more towards the Puck end of the continuum, but he had the softest lips of
anyone she'd ever kissed. Still, he seemed to kiss with ulterior motives, wanting more from her than
she was ready to give at the time though he'd deny it.
Rachel's kisses were the sweetest she'd ever had, and of course, the sweetest thing about a kiss with
Rachel was that she kissed purely for the sake of kissing. Rachel's hand accidentally brushed against
Quinn's breast and Rachel pulled away, blushing furiously and apologizing profusely, until Quinn
laughed, pulled her close and kissed away the 'I'm so sorry's.
Rachel didn't push and in fact, overall, Quinn would have to call whatever this thing was between
them, pretty tame and chaste. Sometimes, things were so chaste between them, Quinn wondered if
she'd imagined their every kiss or something.
But it was comforting, too, not to have to think about sex and to have to constantly think of a way to be
four steps ahead of the other person.
They kissed until Quinn's lips hurt and she was suddenly very conscious of how wet her underwear
was. "I should go," Quinn whispered, pulling away, because while she was cognizant of what this all
meant physiologically, she had needed time to think about what this all meant in every other way.
Rachel bit her lip, looking uncertain. "Am I an…acceptable kisser?" she asked quietly.
'More than acceptable,' Quinn thought to herself. "Yeah," Quinn said. "You're fine. Great," she added,
and she winced because even to her own ears, she didn’t quite sound so reassuring. But she just
needed to get away right now and her need to be alone and think outweighed the necessity to pause
long enough to reassure Rachel that she was a great kisser, way better than just 'acceptable.'
Quinn hastily smoothed down her dress and grabbed her book bag. "I just…I've got to study and we
haven't gotten anything done," she said, slinging her book bag on her shoulder. "I'll call you later," she
said, scurrying out of the room while Cow scurried in. "Or, like, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye Quinn," Rachel called out, her voice small and sounding sad
--
lchanson
2012-01-18 01:04 am (local)
Ahahaha, PETA reference!

(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-18 02:12 am (local)
Hee! I actually thought of you as I wrote that. Frigging PETA

1/25/2016 FIC: Melting Glaciers [5b/12] - sulkygeek fan fic journal: crappy fanfic.
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FIC: Melting Glaciers [5b/12] quinn/rachel quinntana rachel
Chapter 5b rachel/santana santana santana/quinn shelby
sulkygeekff
January 17th, 2012
Quinn drove home, and as she ran up to her room, grateful her mother wasn't home, her cheeks still
felt like they were on fire. She locked her door, threw herself onto her bed. She took off her underwear
and hurled it across the room into her laundry hamper. She buried her face into her pillow as she
realized this was the first time she'd ever wanted to have sex purely for carnal reasons and not
because she felt obligated because a guy complimented her when she was having a fat day, and not
because she was trying to make another perfect baby to give herself someone to love.
Her thighs felt sticky and she could not recall a time when just kissing someone could make her feel
like this. Hesitantly, she shoved her hand under her dress, between her legs and touched
experimentally before she began to rub a little harder. She bit her lip as she continued to move her
hand between her legs and she thought about how soft Rachel's lips were, like perfect little pillows;
and how amazing Rachel smelled like clean sheets and gardenias (apparently courtesy of Marc
Jacobs, the answer ascertained once Quinn asked). She thought about the way Rachel looked when
she sang, or the way Rachel's eyes sparkled with something both mischievous and innocent when she
smiled, really smiled, not a show smile.
Her breathing became harsh and her body became flushed all over. She wondered if she looked like a
tomato. Her hand between her legs was wet and sticky. She remembered the way Rachel always
looked at her like she was the only person in the room, maybe even the only person in the world.
Whether it was selfish or immature or both, Quinn had always wanted someone to treat her like she as
the focal point of the universe, and Rachel frequently did, no matter who else was around.
Quinn came with a soft cry and stayed in bed, flushed, panting and confused.
This was not necessarily a good combination.
--
The next day at school, she saw Rachel standing at her locker and strolled with very deliberate,
purposeful steps to the brunette.
Rachel's eyes lit up. "Hi," she said, grinning.
"Do you want to hang out after school? Maybe we can see a movie and then have dinner?"
Rachel smiled. She glanced around to see if anyone was looking, and when she saw that no one was,
she leaned her head closer to Quinn and grinned impishly. "Are you asking me on a date?" she asked
conspiratorially.
"That depends," Quinn said lowly.
Rachel looked at her cautiously. "On?"
"Are you going to say yes?"
Rachel smiled. "Perhaps. Are you asking me out?"
"Perhaps," Quinn deadpanned.
Rachel giggled and clutched Quinn's arm. "Quinn, of course the answer is yes. I would love to."
Quinn smiled. "Cool."
They walked to class together.
In class, Rachel, as always, paid rapt attention, but Quinn found her attention drifting and she doodled
a drawing of Rachel. She was satisfied with it when she looked at her finished product, three minutes
before the end of class. But she blanched in embarrassment when she realized she'd unconsciously
drawn hearts all around Rachel.
She didn't want to contemplate what that meant.

--
They left together after school and headed to the mall. Rachel bought her an ice cream cone and she
bought Rachel a vegan cookie. Quinn thought they were being ridiculous with the way they always
insisted on buying each other sweets, but at the same time, she kind of liked it, too, because it seemed
so anachronistically chaste like something out of the 1950s with sock hops and soda fountains.
Sometimes Rachel just seemed like a throwback to that bygone era and Quinn had a sense of
displaced nostalgia, so it seemed like a perfect match.
They walked to the theatre which was the focal point in the mall.
"What movie do you want to watch?" Quinn asked softly.
"Well, what would you like to see?"
"You choose," Quinn murmured. "I'll pick next time."
Rachel's eyes lit up with surprise and then she smiled with delight. "Really?"
"Yeah."
"You won't get mad if you don't like the movie I choose?"
"Well, not unless you had a hand in making the movie," Quinn said. She narrowed her eyes playfully.
"Are you actually a secretly a teenage movie mogul?"
Rachel smiled. "Maybe," she teased.
--
It was freezing in the movie theatre. Quinn had no idea why all movie theatres kept the temperature on
such an arctic level. But when Rachel reached for her hand once the trailers ended and the movie
officially started, Quinn thought she was melting.
Quinn gazed at Rachel long enough that Rachel turned to look at her and they shared a smile before,
by mutual telepathic agreement, they each gave a small squeeze. They discretely held hands through
most of the movie and Quinn didn't even care that their hands got a little sweaty.
Quinn lost focus of the movie, and it seemed Rachel did, too, because they spent most of the time
nudging each other's feet and trying to communicate via Morse code through hand squeezes.
Rachel leaned in close. "Watch the movie," she chided teasingly, keeping her voice low so as not to
disturb the other patrons.
Quinn rubbed her nose against Rachel's. "You watch it."
They broke off into soft giggles, with a renewed commitment to watch the movie. But the scene
repeated itself again and again.
--
After the movie, they went to eat dinner, but Quinn wasn't very hungry. She was more preoccupied
watching Rachel eat, which creeped herself out with the fixation, but she just loved the way Rachel ate
so properly. She was so formal, always, and Quinn found herself wondering what Rachel's fathers
were like-- it was more than just good table manners, it was straight out of Emily Post. Quinn
wondered what mealtimes were like in the Berry home.
She found herself wanting to meet them to see if she could see traces of Rachel in them. And it went
beyond mere curiosity. She wanted to know where Rachel came from. It was a funny thing because
there was a time when she was reluctant at the thought of meeting them-- meeting parents was a big,
stressful step. But now she found herself wanting to see where Rachel got her optimism and
sweetness from. And she was certain that Rachel had to have adopted her distinctive speaking
manner from one of her fathers. Quinn really wanted to know which one.
She thought about asking 'when should I meet your dads?' but she was afraid that maybe the answer
would be 'why would I ever want you to meet them?' Maybe she was Rachel's secret and she didn't
know it.
--
At the end of their date that night, when Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel's waist and kissed
her, she knew this wasn't just curiosity or experimentation. Quinn had one hand on the side of
Rachel's neck, while the other touched Rachel's arm. She could feel Rachel's pulse racing and
knowing she could draw out a reaction like that from Rachel made Quinn's own heart race and pulse
quicken.
No, this wasn't experimentation or curiosity-- not by a long shot. It probably wasn't even infatuation.
She was falling.
She was feeling the sting of love, and while she'd loved and been loved before, and each time had
brought its own joys, what she was feeling now was entirely new.
--
Even though they took separate cars, Rachel insisted on following Quinn home to make sure she
arrived safely-- she was so old-fashioned that way and Quinn thought that if Rachel ever travelled
back in time, she would probably be okay on good manners alone. Rachel got out of the car and
walked her to her door.
"Do you want to hang out for a while?" Quinn asked softly.
Rachel shook her head. "No, it's getting fairly late for a school night. I don't want your mother to think
I'm a corrupting degenerate."
"My mom wouldn't think that," Quinn said. She added 'only my dad,' in her head.
Rachel smiled and she ran her thumb across Quinn's lower lip, stood up on tiptoe and bestowed a
warm kiss to Quinn's cheek.
"I had a wonderful time," Rachel said, a blush touching her cheeks. She gazed down at the floor before
she peeked her head up to meet Quinn's eyes.
"Me too," Quinn agreed quietly.
"May we do this again sometime?" Rachel murmured.
Quinn laughed. "Yeah," she agreed softly. "Definitely."
--
There wasn't much that changed after that-- they spent more time together, of course, but things
between them progressed awkwardly, to the point that at least one, but frequently both of them,
became embarrassed.
But for the first time in a long time, Quinn could remember being happy.
They took things slowly, which she needed and she suspected Rachel needed, too, even if Rachel
wasn't always particularly expressive about what she needed.
Rachel was always quick to point out what she wanted-- a regular date night, a standing lunch date, an
arm to hold onto while walking to class, a goodnight text message every night and at least one phone
call every day, two on the weekends. But Rachel wasn't very vocal about what she needed, and Quinn
was seeing that there really was a difference, because she knew Rachel wanted that good night text
every night, or else there would be hell to contend with the next morning. But she had no idea what
Rachel needed to get that achingly sad look off her face that she got at least once a day, no matter
how relentlessly perky or cheerful she seemed. Rachel could look her saddest right after she looked
her happiest.
Sometimes, Quinn believed she and Rachel were just like any couple starting to date.
But then she and Rachel would visit Beth at Shelby's home or Rachel met Shelby on her own and
Quinn would consequently get a chance to spend time alone with Beth, and Quinn would remember
the deal she made with Shelby.
She hated herself for encouraging Rachel to spend time with Shelby, when it was clear Rachel still had
trepidation. Quinn hated herself for the way she'd talk Shelby up in a way that softened Rachel's
attitude toward her biological mother and made her more inclined to spend time with her, despite the
fact that Rachel was still clearly ambivalent. Rachel's pendulum now skewed more towards the side of
affection towards Shelby and Quinn hated that she was forced to keep pushing that. Quinn loathed
Shelby and she hated that she had to talk Shelby up to Rachel in order to accomplish her agenda at
spending the most amount of time with Beth possible. Eventually, Quinn hoped that she could even
get a few weeks of visitation, especially after she got settled in New Haven, and she hoped Rachel
could help her accomplish that goal.
Quinn knew that though they were friends--more than friends, she was using Rachel. But she couldn't
stop because what she got out of using Rachel was Beth, and Beth was her treasure.
So, Quinn found herself frequently overcompensating when it came to her treatment of Rachel. She
made a conscious effort to be nice-- it wasn't second nature to her.
Quinn wasn't a monster-- she felt guilty because she knew Rachel was kind to her with a clear
conscience and Quinn couldn't say the same. But she didn't want to take from Rachel and give nothing
back.
--
There was a Staff Development Day in mid-March, so all the students had the day off. Quinn invited
Rachel over.
After two movies and a round of manicures and pedicures, they fell asleep curled up on Quinn's bed.
Quinn was ripped from sleep after a two hour nap after hearing a sobbing whimper. Her body was
trained or something to listen for even the softest cries, always prepared to attend to a baby she didn't
have. Still, her heart was racing as her mind immediately went to Beth. But reality sunk in quickly as
she realized it could not be Beth and she turned around and groped for Rachel.
"Rach?"
Rachel was curled up and Quinn realized that Rachel was still sleeping, though she looked distressed.
Quinn gently shook her awake though Rachel pushed Quinn away with a quiet gasp and sat up,
scrambling back on the bed. Quinn reached out to her, slowly, the way people who were more
benevolent and foolish than her evidently did with wounded, feral animals. "Rach? Did you have a
nightmare?" Quinn asked gently.
Rachel swallowed hard, squinting her eyes and becoming re-oriented. "Yes," she said, her voice
trembling.
"What was it about?" Quinn asked softly.
"It's…it's nothing. I can't really remember it," Rachel whispered tightly. "It's nothing," she repeated
quietly.
Hesitantly, Quinn pulled Rachel into her arms and held her close, feeling Rachel tremble. She pressed
her lips to Rachel's temple and then kissed Rachel's earlobe. "Are you okay?" she asked tenderly.
"I'm okay," Rachel said shakily.
She didn't seem okay.
Quinn kissed Rachel's cheek and then kissed the corner of Rachel's lip. She rested her forehead
against Rachel's shoulder.
"Hey," Quinn softly. "I'm kind of hungry," she murmured. "Can I make you a sandwich? My mom
bought some sliced tofurkey and it's actually pretty good."
She felt like an idiot, but she didn't know what else to do to comfort Rachel, because this was just
another incidence of when she had no idea what Rachel needed. But she had some vegan pastries in
the pantry and vegan pastries were on Rachel's list of what she wanted biweekly, and at least that
much, Quinn could do.
Rachel gave her a tiny nod and Quinn got off her bed and held her hand out for Rachel to take.
--
Quinn gently pushed Rachel into a chair and bustled around her kitchen.
She mixed a little bit of mayonnaise with a lot of mustard, just the way Rachel liked and made Rachel
a sandwich with tofurkey, lettuce and tomato and cut the crusts off. She set it on a plate, accompanied
it with a pickle for garnish and set some apple slices and homemade potato chips on the side. She
made another sandwich for herself with real turkey and brought everything back to the table.
"Thanks," Rachel said with a smile, but Quinn could see it wasn't quite genuine because Rachel's nose
didn't crinkle up.
They were eating mostly in silence when Judy Fabray came home early from work.
"Oh," Judy said. "Hello, Rachel," she greeted.
Rachel stood up, wiping her mouth with a napkin. "Hi Ms. Fabray," she greeted with a smile. "Thank
you so much for purchasing tofurkey-- it's delicious."
Judy smiled at her. "It's fine, Rachel," she said. "I was hoping you and Quinn would be around more if
we had some of your favorite foods on hand."
Rachel blushed. "That's so kind of you," she said. "I truly appreciate your hospitality."
Judy chuckled and she stepped closer to the table where Rachel and Quinn were sitting. She kissed
Quinn on the top of her head and reached out to affectionately rub her thumb across Rachel's cheek.
"Have fun, girls," she said. She poured herself a glass of water and then left the kitchen.
Rachel stared after Judy as she left, wide-eyed.
"Your mom is really cool," Rachel said softly.
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Not really."
Her mom was a lot better to be around now that her parents were divorced, but Quinn still found
herself resenting her mother for basically abandoning her when she really needed it. She was grateful
to her mother for taking her back in, and they had a better relationship now than they'd ever had. But
Quinn would never describe her mother as "really cool."
"I just think it'd be nice to have a mom," Rachel said wistfully.
Quinn paused. "Well," she said. "You kind of have one now, you have Shelby…" she bit the inside of
her cheek, because she honestly felt Rachel was better off without Shelby. But she was always
conscientious of the deal she made.
But Rachel gave her a genuine, sunny smile. "Well, I don't think I'll ever look at her as my mom," she
said. "And she doesn't really want that either. But I think we could be really good friends."
Quinn forced herself to smile back. "That's great."
Rachel gave her a small smile and reached out to cup Quinn's cheek. Her fingertips gently tapped
against Quinn's skin. She kissed Quinn's forehead. "Can we go up to your room again?"
Quinn swallowed. "Yeah," she breathed.
--
The more time she spent with Rachel, the more she realized she'd once hated Rachel so much
because she was so warm and Quinn was used to the chill of silent family dinners and sterile living
rooms. Quinn tended to think in music metaphors these days, so if Rachel were suited to the warmth
of vinyl, Quinn knew she was made for the cold precision of the digital audio file.
She didn't really get how Rachel could just be so forgiving and nice. Rachel said "it's okay" when she
should have said "fuck off."
When Finn finally seemed to have mellowed out from the break-up after a month, and he and Rachel
were on speaking terms again, Kurt showed up unannounced at Rachel's, blubbering about a fight with
Blaine. Quinn wanted to throw him into a wall for ignoring Rachel for the past month, dropping her
friendship like it was nothing and then coming running back when he needed comforting just because
Rachel and Finn were on speaking terms again.
But Rachel just invited him in, made him a sandwich and fed him some cookies and pressed Cow into
his arms, because apparently, Rachel believed that happiness was a warm puppy, like she was some
Peanuts character.
Quinn wondered at what point a person was kind and what point they were a doormat.
Still, Quinn could recognize that she benefited from Rachel's ability to forgive, regardless if that made
her just kind or at worst, a doormat.
"You're a great person," Rachel told Kurt with a warm smile. "I know you and Blaine will make up. You
guys are, like, the perfect couple."
Quinn suppressed the urge to vomit, because, just no, she didn't think they were the perfect couple.
She liked Kurt and Blaine separately, but she thought Blaine lost his mind when he transferred to
McKinley from Dalton at Kurt's behest, particularly because Blaine transferred for his junior year which
was the year colleges looked at most for admissions. Dalton was nationally recognized as a college
preparatory, while McKinley was underperforming in every way, and Quinn had always privately felt it
was selfish of Kurt to ask Blaine to transfer just because Kurt wanted a 'perfect' senior year.
Quinn wanted to spend more time with Rachel, but she didn't beg for it or manipulate her into it by
asking Rachel to give up her weekend dance classes or vocal lessons. She didn't deter Rachel from
her participation in all her other extracurricular activities, either. She knew she and Rachel weren't
exactly a couple yet, but she thought she and Rachel were a much better couple than Kurt and Blaine.
Outside of her deal with Shelby, which Quinn considered to be the only falsehood in her relationship
with Rachel, Quinn felt she'd been as honest as possible with Rachel. They got along really well and
Quinn felt like they truly understood each other.
Still, Kurt seemed to feel much better, and Quinn couldn't begrudge him that because she didn't want
her friend to feel poorly, she just didn't want anyone, let alone Rachel, think that any two people
comprised a better couple than the two of them.
When he was gone, Quinn was scowling, but Rachel was beaming
"I have my best gay back!" Rachel exclaimed happily.
Quinn crossed her arms. "You aren't going to make him grovel?"
Rachel looked shocked by the suggestion. "Why would I do that?"
"When you ran for student council, he wouldn't even talk to you until you dropped out of the race."
Rachel bit her lip. "That was different."
"Maybe," Quinn allowed. "But I still think he should have to grovel."
"He was upset. He and Blaine had a huge fight." She bit her lip and smiled shyly. "I would be very
distraught if you and I had a fight. It would not even have to be a very big one."
Quinn chuckled softly, because Rachel could melt a glacier. All her ire washed away. "I just wish he
were as good a friend to you as you are to him."
Rachel smiled. "He is," she reassured. "He's an amazing friend. I've really missed him. You'll see."
Quinn grinned crookedly. "So, if I ever screw up, all I have to do is cry and you'll forgive me?" she
teased. "I won't even have to say 'I'm sorry'? That's pretty convenient."
Rachel shrugged and took Quinn's hand. "I think, for the most part, if you were truly sorry, you wouldn't
have to say it if that's too hard for you. Just as long as you made some kind of gesture to demonstrate
contrition. Actions speak louder than words, as people say. And apologizing is hard for me, too, so I
think…I think I'd understand as long as you really were sorry and wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't want
you to grovel, I think it's manipulative to expect it."
Quinn swallowed hard, suddenly emotional for no particular reason. "I'll keep that in mind."
She wondered, once again, what Rachel's parents were like. Wistfully, she wished that her own father
could have been the way she pictured Rachel's fathers to be-- she couldn't see them as being
anything other than warm and forgiving. Yeah, given the way Rachel clamored and demanded
attention, they were probably a little stage parent-y, but Quinn knew Rachel's parents had to be really
kind-- like Rachel.
Once again, she felt the urge to meet Rachel's parents to see where Rachel had come from. She
wondered again why Rachel had yet to bring up the issue of introducing them. Anxiety made a lump
constrict in her throat at the thought Rachel was hiding her away. It wasn't entirely fair, because at
school, they were keeping their relationship a secret through unspoken agreement. But Quinn wasn't
hiding Rachel from her mom the way Rachel seemed to be hiding her from her parents.
--
They eventually went up to Rachel's bedroom, shutting the door and moving to the bed.
Quinn was left breathless, in the way kissing was supposed to leave her, but she realized as much as
she enjoyed kissing Rachel-- her wet underwear was a clear sign of that, she also wanted more.
Timidly, Quinn reached out to touch Rachel's left breast with her right hand when they were just lying
on their sides, gazing at one another.
Rachel chuckled gently and began unbuttoning her shirt, leaving her bra-clad breasts exposed.
Swallowing with difficulty, Quinn reached out again and began tracing circles over Rachel's breasts,
over the bra, with her hand.
Rachel let out a low moan and the sound made Quinn even wetter. Still rubbing one of Rachel's
breasts over her bra, Quinn moved in to kiss Rachel's lips.
It progressed to its natural course, and soon they were both topless, their bare breasts exposed to one
another. Quinn moaned at the feel of Rachel's bare breasts pushing into her own while they kissed. It
felt amazing.
Quinn noted Rachel's breasts were smaller than hers, but she found them beautiful. She cupped one
breast in the palm of her hand, reveling in its softness, and how Rachel released a shuddered moan.
She circled Rachel's nipple with her thumb and she was surprised by how her own body reacted when
Rachel's nipple hardened. She took her time in her exploration which was fulfilling curiosity as much as
desire. There was a part of her that cried out to her that this was wrong, she was not supposed to do
this with another girl, but the part that cried out 'more, more,' won out. Nothing she'd done with Rachel
felt wrong.
Rachel touched her and treated her with reverence. Rachel touched her a little too gently, so Quinn
covered Rachel's hand with her own and pressed down when Rachel's hand hesitantly grazed across
her breast. Rachel touched her a little more firmly and Quinn exhaled a harsh breath as she tried to
keep herself from responding a little too eagerly.
Rachel mimicked the motions Quinn used to touch her, but then Rachel released a soft sigh.
"I'm going to…if you don't like it…tell me to stop," Rachel whispered and then she began to kiss
Quinn's breasts-- first the left, then the right and finally the space in between. She kissed Quinn's
nipples, alternating before she began gently sucking.
Quinn shut her eyes tightly, her hands tangled into Rachel's hair. "Don't stop," she pleaded as
Rachel's mouth kissed and sucked on Quinn's breasts.
"You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen," Rachel whispered sincerely. "You are so beautiful. You're
perfect."
Feeling emotional, Quinn gazed down at Rachel for a moment and then shimmied downward a few
inches so they were eye level. She needed to kiss Rachel again.
Once they pulled apart, Quinn pulled Rachel into a tight hug. She was so confused about everything
now, but she knew she was falling in love with this girl.
"Spend the night with me," Rachel whispered. "We don't have to do anything, of course. Just…please,
spend the night. Do you think your mom would give you permission?"
"I don't think that's a good idea," Quinn said softly, because she knew Rachel meant it when she said
'we don't have to do anything,' but the problem was, Quinn did and it was all happening too quickly
despite the fact they were moving glacially, like deep time. They were moving slowly, but she still
needed more time because she was confused by everything that happened in the last few months,
even the last few years.
Rachel's face fell. "Okay," she said quietly, after a moment's pause.
"It's just…I think my mom thinks something is going on between us," Quinn said. Actually, her mother
knew for certain, but Rachel didn't have to know that, especially since Quinn wasn't entirely sure how
her mother figured it out, since she certainly didn't tell her. "I don't think she'll say yes. And even if she
did, she'll probably interrogate me when I get home tomorrow. And I don't even have any clothes or
anything here. We still have school tomorrow."
"Oh," Rachel said softly. "I forgot about that," she said, blushing. "That was inconsiderate of me. Of
course you don't have anything here. I--I'm sorry for being thoughtless."
"It wasn't inconsiderate and you weren't thoughtless," Quinn murmured, trying to soothe Rachel to the
best of her ability because saying 'inconsiderate' and 'thoughtless' was going way too far in
backtracking.
Rachel swallowed hard. "You really think your mother suspects…are you…are you going to be okay
there?"
Quinn smiled fondly. "My dad was the ogre, not my mom. It's fine."
Rachel sighed with relief. "Okay." She bit her lower lip. "But just so you know, if you ever need some
place to stay, in case of the worst case scenario, you could stay here," she offered shyly.
Quinn smiled crookedly. "It'll be okay, Rachel. Really. With my dad out of the house, things are so
mellow between my mother and me." She chuckled. "Besides, I'm sure your dads would notice if I ever
moved in."
She thought about asking 'when am I going to meet them, by the way?' because this was the question
she'd been dying to ask, and this was the perfect opening. But she didn't want to ask that when she'd
just declined Rachel's offer to sleep over.
Rachel chuckled quietly. "Hmm," she murmured.
After that, they watched a movie, ate dinner and studied for a bit before Quinn decided it was time to
go home. Rachel seemed quiet and still a little stung from the rejection of her invitation to stay the
night and so Quinn felt guilty and evil.
As she left, she stopped to pet Cow who'd seemed a little lethargic for the past week.
"I like that you like my dog," Rachel said shyly. "I know he's kind of an attention whore--"
Quinn snorted. "He's your dog, of course he is."
Rachel pouted, but smiled. "But I love him. My dads gave him to me."
"I like your whore dog," Quinn admitted.
Rachel walked her to her car. "Good night," she breathed before pushing Quinn against her car,
tucking her thumb under Quinn's chin and capturing Quinn's mouth in a kiss so searing that when
Quinn got home, she pulled her hand-held shower head from the wall mount and pressed it between
her legs. She muffled her moans as the water massaged her clit. She thought about Rachel, the feel of
her breasts, the touch of Rachel's hands and mouth and she came after a few minutes with a hoarse,
breathless cry.
She wished she could say she didn't feel ashamed of herself, but she did.
"Please God," she whispered, as she prayed on her knees. "I need to figure this out."
--
Rachel wasn't at school the next day, and Quinn felt a distant sort of panic as a part of her immediately
assumed Rachel was avoiding her after the previous night. She chided herself for being paranoid, but
her worry only increased as Rachel did not respond to any of her texts. She thought about ditching, but
she couldn't because Figgins was keeping a close eye on her since she'd already had three
unexcused absences that semester.
She stopped by Rachel's house after school and rang the doorbell. There were no sounds of Cow's
barking per usual, and so Quinn though for a moment that maybe Rachel was out with him. But the
door opened up.
"Hi," Quinn said, peering at Rachel with concern. Rachel just seemed sad and subdued.
"Hi," Rachel said quietly. "Do you want to come in?"
"Sure," Quinn said, stepping inside when Rachel held the door open wider. "Are you feeling okay? You
weren't in school today."
Rachel bit down on her lower lip. She opened her mouth to speak, but she had to stop herself. Her
face trembled. She swallowed hard and took a quiet breath before she was able to speak again. "Cow
died," she said quietly, her voice wavering and rough.
Quinn blinked. "What?" she asked, not sure if she heard correctly, but she knew she had. It was just so
unbelievable.
Rachel cleared her throat. "Cow died," she repeated, her voice cracking. Her eyes pooled with tears. "I
woke up and I was going to feed him, but he was just laying in the living room." Her voice lowered into
a whisper. "He was already dead." Rachel's lower lip wobbled and she peered at Quinn.
Quinn swallowed hard, thrown off. She felt even worse about not spending the night now. She took a
few steps closer and wrapped her arms, tightly, around Rachel, who began to cry.
"Cow was a present from my dads," Rachel sobbed
Quinn stroked her hair and kissed Rachel's cheeks, her chin, her lips. She didn't know what else to do.
She held Rachel for a long time, just letting the brunette cry, but eventually, Rachel pulled away,
sniffling.
"I'm sorry," Rachel said quietly. "I know he was just a dog, but…" her lip began to wobble again.
"It's okay," Quinn comforted, rubbing Rachel's arms.
Rachel sighed mournfully. "I kicked Cow out of my room last night. I should have let him sleep in the
bed with me. But he needed a bath."
Quinn stroked Rachel's hair. "You were good to him, baby," she murmured, without realizing the
endearment came out. "He was a happy dog."
Rachel cuddled against her. "Cow, that overweight, pancreatitis-afflicted dummy," she sniffled.
Quinn hugged her even tighter. "It'll be okay, Rachel. Really."
"Dumb dog," Rachel breathed. "He was such an out-of-control attention whore."
"Worried about him upstaging you, huh?" Quinn teased gently, stroking the back of Rachel's hair.
Rachel laughed quietly. "I wish I didn't have to put him on that low-fat dog food diet," she said
mournfully. "I should have let him eat whatever he wanted. He was such an old dog." She swallowed
hard. "I knew he was going to die soon anyway, I should have just let him have all the yummy things
he wanted." Her voice trembled. "But I wanted to try to make him stay with me a little longer," she
whispered.
Quinn kissed Rachel's temple. "I'm sorry, baby," she whispered helplessly, there was nothing else she
could say or do.
--
Rachel's fathers were apparently "away" (the vague explanation Rachel gave when Quinn asked
where her fathers were), so Rachel was the one who took Cow to the veterinarian who confirmed that
Cow was, in fact, dead. Rachel left Cow with the veterinarian who was going to arrange for his
cremation. Rachel could pick up Cow's cremains in a few days.
Quinn found it profoundly sad that Rachel was the one who had to handle all of that on her own, so
Quinn packed up Cow's stuff, since Rachel apparently wanted them out of the house as soon as
possible.
She was a little amused by all the stuff Cow had, from food and water bowls, hair brushes, outfits and
toys-- the appealing little monster had more possessions than many humans. She packed everything
up into a cardboard box and took it out to her car-- she'd donate it somewhere later. She just needed
to get it out of Rachel's line of sight, because anytime Rachel looked at one Cow's toys, she looked
like she was going to cry.
When she got back into the house, she joined Rachel on the living room couch.
Rachel just stared at her for a moment.
"Quinn?" Rachel asked quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you," Rachel said softly.
mjacton
2012-01-18 12:56 pm (local)
You took Cow away!
It seems kind of silly to think of a dog as a character, but Cow was another example of your creating
another endearing original character. I'm gonna miss him now. :(
Also, good job with the subtlety in describing Quinn's struggle with her sexuality. Actions speak louder
than words.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:30 am (local)
When my husband was skimming this last night, he said "You killed the DOG?!" And I felt evil.
99

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Profile
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cry in your blog.
Tags

The non-graphic assault takes place in this chapter in part b. It's never depicted, but rachel/santana santana santana/quinn shelby
sulkygeekff
the aftermath is. Potential trigger warning.I feel it's matter-of-fact, but I have a very
January 17th, 2012
high threshold for that kind of stuff. Keep in mind, I investigated child abuse for a
living.
Chapter 6a
Rachel was needier after Cow died. It was like she was lonely or something, and Quinn was
sympathetic, but she was also uncertain how to handle that. And she wasn't a particularly patient
person, but she forced herself to be, and she was a little proud of herself because she was really doing
it. She bit her tongue from telling Rachel, "you're being needy" or demanding "what is the matter with
you, he was just a dog?" She refrained from asking "all this over a dog you seemed irritated by most of
the time?" Rachel just seemed to expect her to know what to do, and Quinn didn't.
The dark cloud around Rachel's mood seemed to lift after a couple weeks and Quinn was relieved
because things were finally normal and she knew, kind of, how to navigate things with Rachel again.
At the end March, on a bright Saturday, Rachel and Shelby had a lunch date, so Quinn got to have
Beth for a while. She was trusted at Shelby's condo alone now for whatever reason-- Quinn thought it
was probably Rachel's influence, but she still preferred to take Beth out. Quinn took Beth to her house
and they ate lunch together, colored, and played with blocks and other toys for a while in Quinn's
bedroom. She let herself believe that this was the way it'd always been-- her and her little one.
She took Beth out to the park, where they walked around for a while before they played in the sandbox
together. She pushed Beth for a while on the swings, reveling in the way Beth giggled and laughed, as
she threw her arms into the air.
"I fly, Quinn."
Quinn hugged Beth close once she pulled her out of the swing. She shut her eyes and she breathed in
that clean, baby scent. It's not that she wanted a baby or a kid. She wanted Beth. Looking back on it,
she couldn't believe she thought it would have been so simple as to just have another baby to replace
this child. She could have a litter of babies, but it wouldn't take away the ache she felt for Beth.
She felt so much remorse for resenting Beth when she was still pregnant-- that had been the only time
Beth was truly hers and while Beth had been an unplanned happy accident, she certainly wasn't a
mistake that way Quinn considered her to be for her entire pregnancy. She didn't fall in love with Beth
until after the delivery and she only appreciated Beth after she was no longer hers.
She'd never have Beth again and her stomach clenched up as she thought about how much she
wanted her baby back. This was too much sometimes, to have a few hours a week with her baby when
she wanted so much more. Was it easier to have nothing than not enough? Quinn wasn't sure. But she
knew as torturous as this could be for her, she couldn't walk away from Beth a second time--she would
remain in Beth's life in whatever capacity Beth wanted her. Because she was a mother, and good
mothers put their children ahead of their own selfish needs.
But God, she missed her baby.
Her eyes teared up, and Beth looked at her, distressed.
"No cry, Quinn," Beth said. "Please, no cry," she pleaded as her little hands reached out to pat at
Quinn's cheeks to wipe at her tears. "No fill with sad, Quinn."
Quinn laughed through a sob. "No cry," she agreed, rubbing her nose on Beth's cheek. "No cry."
--
Rachel and Shelby's lunch date was followed by a movie, so Quinn had Beth longer than she
expected, but it still wasn't long enough.
When Shelby texted her to let her know she and Rachel were done now, Quinn decided to push for
more.
Can I have Beth for another couple hours
Quinn didn't actually expect Shelby to say yes, so she was surprised when Shelby texted her back
okay. Maybe spending time with Rachel put her in a good mood.
The first thing Quinn did was pick Rachel up.
Beth squealed on seeing Rachel.
"Rach…el!" Beth cried out, squirming in her car seat and flinging her arms out to beckon to Rachel.
Rachel laughed and climbed into the backseat to nuzzle Beth's cheek. "Hi Bethie," she greeted,
cupping the toddler's cheeks in her hands.
"Play with me!" Beth pleaded.
Rachel laughed. "Soon, baby Beth. Promise," she murmured. She got out of the backseat and into the
passenger seat. "Hi Quinn," Rachel breathed, inching closer to kiss Quinn's cheek. "Where are we
going?"
Quinn smiled. "You'll see."
As Quinn drove, Rachel kept turning to look into the backseat and make bear noises and
corresponding clawing gestures. Beth squealed with laughter and Quinn let herself pretend for a little
while that she and Rachel were a proper couple raising Beth together. It wasn't very long, just for the
duration of a very short car ride.
She couldn't let herself pretend for any longer than that.
--
Quinn drove to Robert Kennedy Elementary School and parked.
"Why are we here?" Rachel asked, sounding puzzled.
"I thought we could play hopscotch," Quinn murmured, because she still remembered Rachel telling
her 'you never let me play hopscotch with you in elementary school,' and while Rachel did not seem to
harbor any grudges when she said it, it still bothered Quinn that she'd used to treat Rachel so badly for
so long.
Rachel perked up. "Really?"
"We could teach Beth."
Rachel beamed. "That would be wonderful."

--
Beth was clearly amused at the sight of the two of them playing hopscotch, if her laughter were any
indication.
Quinn had no idea how she could spend two hours playing hopscotch with Rachel, but she did.
Granted, they didn't play hopscotch for the entire two hours, but still.
After a couple hours, Quinn knew she had to get Beth home. She was clearly exhausted anyway.
Quinn carried Beth to the car and pressed a kiss on her daughter's forehead as she strapped Beth into
the car seat. "I love you, little one," she whispered.
Quinn carried Beth up to Shelby's condo, while Rachel shouldered the diaper bag.
Shelby opened the door. "Hi, baby," Shelby greeted Beth, who lit up when she saw Shelby and started
squirming in Quinn's arms to get to Shelby.
It killed Quinn to feel that.
Shelby smile widened as she looked at Rachel. "My other baby," she greeted. She reached out with
one hand to cup Rachel's cheek, caressing her.
Rachel blushed and smiled. She fidgeted, and the expression on her face clearly indicated she was
uncomfortable with being called 'my other baby.' "It's been so long since I've seen you," she joked
finally.
"Why don't you come in and stay for dinner," Shelby offered. She looked briefly at Quinn. "Both of you.
I could make a nice salad. I've bought some vegan-friendly foods at the grocery store. I don't know
how palatable it would be, but I'll try."
Rachel shook her head. "It's…it's okay," she said.
Quinn knew Rachel still found Shelby a little baffling.
"Please?" Shelby asked. "I know it's a Saturday night, but we can make it quick, so you can still do
whatever you have planned."
Rachel still looked hesitant.
Shelby's eyes met Quinn only for a moment, but it was a very pointed look. Shelby's eyes seemed to
say 'you fix this' and Quinn once again felt the quid pro quo pressure of their little deal. Shelby had
given her unforeseen extra time with Beth, and now it was time for Quinn to repay the favor.
"Rach, let's just stay," Quinn said. "We were just going to go back to your place and watch a movie,
right?"
Rachel smiled. "Okay."
--
Quinn struggled to get through dinner. She knew it was petty, but it burned her up to see Shelby being
maternal to Rachel. She was trying to accept that Shelby was Beth's mother-- it was hard not to
because of the way Beth lit up around Shelby. But now Rachel seemed to bask in Shelby's attention
and it bothered Quinn that Shelby was getting her baby back, no matter how much Rachel claimed she
was still wary of Shelby, it was clear that Rachel just wasn't capable of being suspicious of another
person.
Shelby was attentive to Rachel-- putting more food on her plate, gently urging her to eat more, pouring
her more juice and water any time her cups got less than halfway full. Rachel seemed to eat it up, but
it made Quinn burn with jealousy-- when did Rachel and Shelby get so close?
After dinner, they each left with a little baggie of vegan cookies that Shelby baked. Rachel was
enthusiastic and complimentary, but Quinn thought Rachel was a better baker, hands down.
Rachel followed Quinn home that night and through some unspoken mutual agreement, Rachel stayed
the night, with Judy's blessing.
Quinn was mortified, however, when her mother insisted that Rachel sleep in the guest room because
as her mother put it, "I was young once, too."
--
Once she was certain that her mother was asleep, Quinn got out of her bed and tiptoed into Aubrey's
old room where Rachel was staying.
Aubrey's room had been mostly untouched since her sister moved out eight years ago. Her mother did
some rearranging to prepare for Beth, but by the time Judy started cleaning it up to get it ready to turn
into a nursery, Quinn had already gone into labor and was determined to put Beth up for adoption.
Overall, Aubrey's old room remained a museum.
Rachel sat up when she heard the door knob turn. "Quinn?" she whispered.
Quinn walked in and quietly shut the door. "Hi," she greeted.
Rachel smiled. "Hi," she said quietly. "What are you doing here? Your mom said…"
"My mom's sleeping," Quinn said cavalierly. There was enough light streaming in through the window
from the moon and street lights, so she had no problem running to the bed, jumping in with a giggle.
"Hi," she said softly, still giggling.
Rachel giggled quietly. "You're going to get us in trouble!"
"Believe me, my mom is dead to the world. I saw her take up a bottle of wine with her to her room."
Rachel's eyes were wide. "Your mom took a bottle up?"
"Well, she took a glass with her. She's not going to drink straight from the bottle like some wino."
Rachel looked worried. "She drinks that much? Do you think she'll be okay?"
"Rachel," Quinn said, trying to force down her rising irritation because really, she did not want to talk
about her mother. "She'll be fine because she drinks that much."
"Oh…o-okay," Rachel stammered. She smiled. "I...I'm glad you're here." She leaned forward and
nuzzled Quinn's neck. "Thank you for letting me stay here."
"I wanted you to stay," Quinn said softly, her irritation draining away.
Rachel smiled at her and bit her lower lip before scooting closer to Quinn. She pulled Quinn toward her
by grabbing on the front of Quinn's nightshirt with both hands and kissed her.
Quinn wasn't sure how it happened because when she last had a cogent thought, she and Rachel
were both sitting upright, but she ended up flat on her back with Rachel on top of her, They kissed until
Rachel pulled away and Quinn thought she would have a chance to catch her breath until Rachel
started kissing her neck.
Quinn released a gasp-- Rachel wasn't sucking on her neck and leaving crude hickies, but the heat of
Rachel's breath and the softness of her lips made Quinn feel warm and limbless.
She got overwhelmed by everything, and before she knew what she was doing, she grabbed Rachel's
hand and guided it past her pajama shorts and underwear.
Rachel froze and abruptly pulled her hand away.
Quinn wanted to groan at the loss of contact.
"I--I'm sorry. I'm not ready for that," Rachel stammered. "I…I want it. I want you, but I…I need more
time to make sure. I…"
Quinn took a deep, calming breath. "I--I...I'm sorry. Okay. It's…it's okay," she said softly. She was
mortified. "I'm sorry. I got carried away. I...I wasn't really ready either. I...just...I got carried away." She
was so turned on at the moment, she thought she'd need a cold shower, but she knew Rachel was
right to have put on the brakes-- neither of them were ready.
Rachel swallowed hard and tentatively brought her fingers to her mouth. She flicked her tongue out
and Quinn wanted to melt on the spot. If Rachel was trying to deescalate the situation, she was doing
an abysmal job.
A slow smile spread across Rachel's face.
"What?" Quinn asked self-consciously.
"Nothing," Rachel said quickly. "Just…you taste…" Rachel blushed. "You taste good," she said quietly.
She swallowed hard. "You…you were…you are…you…"
"What?" Quinn pressed.
Rachel blushed hard. "You're wet," she whispered.
Quinn flushed. "Yeah," she affirmed quietly. She turned her head and hid her face into the pillow.
"Did I….well…I mean, did I accomplish that?"
Quinn snorted and faced Rachel, pulled out of her embarrassment over the sheer bizarre
awkwardness of Rachel's word choice. "Accomplish?"
Rachel's blush deepened. "I mean--"
"I get it," Quinn interjected gently. She covered her face with her hand. "Yes," she said quietly. "That…
that was all you."
"Wow," Rachel breathed. Then she grinned impishly. "Oh my God, I'm so flattered."
Quinn groaned. "I hate you."
Rachel swallowed hard. "I…I'm wet, too," Rachel admitted. "I don't…I don't want to stop. But I know I'm
not ready and I just…I needed to."
Quinn hesitated. "Can I…um…can I…see?" she asked. She blinked. "I mean, not see, like with my
eyes. But can I…"
Rachel bit her lip. "Just for a moment, okay?" she whispered. "I'm really… I'm not ready yet."
"I would never force you," Quinn said sincerely. "I just…" she swallowed hard, trailing off. She just
needed to know she could do to Rachel what Rachel did to her.
"Okay," Rachel breathed. She grabbed Quinn's hand and guided it between her legs.
She only got to touch her for like, three seconds, but Quinn thought it was some of the best three
seconds of her life. Rachel was wet and breathing hard and Quinn knew she was doing this to Rachel.
She didn't need to be told to pull her hand away-- she wasn't some disrespectful oaf. But after she did,
she raised her hands to her lips to get a taste of Rachel and she wasn't disappointed.
Rachel held her breath while she gauged Quinn's reaction. "Well," she asked nervously. "Am I..." she
swallowed hard, clearly self-conscious. "I mean, did you find that objectionable or…"
Quinn smiled. "Delicious," she breathed, interjecting gently.
Rachel smiled with relief. "You like me, right?" she asked softly. "Please tell me again this isn't all just
a joke," she pleaded, her voice teary.
Quinn tried not to let it show how much it hurt that Rachel would need to be assured like this. It hurt
that Rachel would think she would be capable of going this far for a joke. She knew she'd tormented
and bullied Rachel in the past, but she'd tried to prove through deed and action that she'd changed.
She knew maybe she'd never actually said "I'm sorry for everything," but she hoped her current actions
proved that she was. Sometimes with Rachel, it was like they had so much progress and everything
was great between them and then Quinn would suddenly get a glimpse of how little they'd been able to
bridge their history.
"It's not a joke," Quinn said plaintively, near tears.
"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered, clearly contrite. "It's just that I needed to hear it, but I know you aren't
capable of something like that, Quinn." She caressed Quinn's cheek. "It was just me being insecure. It-
-it had nothing to do with you as a person. Please believe me, Quinn," she whispered, pulling Quinn in
for a tight hug. "I know you aren't capable of something like that. I..." Rachel swallowed hard. "I love
you," she whispered quietly. "So much. I know we haven't been…this way for very long. But I…"
Rachel's voice trembled. "I've fallen in love with you. I…I've had feelings for you since middle school
and please, please, if I hurt you, please believe me that I was being insecure. It had nothing to do with
you," Rachel said, rambling in a panic.
Quinn blinked back tears and took in a deep, stuffy breath that came out kind of as a snort which was
humiliating. "I--I love you, too," she said, her voice cracking.
Rachel smiled through her tears. "Really?"
"Yeah."
Rachel grabbed her into a fierce, tight hug. Quinn buried her face into Rachel's shoulder.
They both cried for a few minutes-- Quinn wasn't sure exactly why. It seemed like biofeedback
because Rachel started it by sounding like she was about to cry, which made Quinn want to cry which
made Rachel actually cry which made Quinn cry, too. And neither of them seemed capable of pulling it
together to stop crying.
--
Quinn woke up the next morning still entangled with Rachel. Quinn glanced at the clock and groaned.
4:30am. But she knew this was a good thing so she could creep back into her room with her mother
being none the wiser.
"Rachel," Quinn whispered, gently shaking her.
Rachel roused with a groan. "Love has boundaries, Quinn," she said, her voice surly. "I don't get up
until 5am."
"It's 7:30."
Rachel's eyes popped open and she sat up quickly. "What?!"
Quinn laughed softly. "Just kidding."
Rachel pouted and swatted at Quinn's arm.
Quinn chuckled and rubbed at her arm. "Hey now," she said. "My dad waited until he married my
mother to start the domestic violence," she joked. It wasn't exactly a joke, since it was true, but she
had a gallows-type humor.
Rachel's eyes became serious. "I would never raise my hand to you," she said sincerely, reaching for
both of Quinn's hands. "Ever. I'd never touch you in anger."
Quinn swallowed back the lump that rose in her throat as she remembered slapping Rachel at junior
prom-- Rachel even forgave her on-the-spot for that.
"I know," she said quietly. "I should go to my room though," she said. "Before my mom gets up."
"Okay," Rachel said, reluctantly pulling away.
Quinn leaned forward and pecked Rachel's lips. "See you at breakfast."
--
Quinn got a few more hours of sleep, but was woken up by the smell of her mother cooking breakfast
in the kitchen. It was Sunday which was their usual church day, but ever since the divorce, her mother
was a bit more lackadaisical about church attendance. This was likely going to be one of their skip
weeks.
Quinn stopped by her sister's old room and knocked before entering, where Rachel was still lying in
bed, gazing up at the ceiling, her expression very pensive.
Rachel smiled and sat up. "Hi."
Quinn walked into the room and shut the door. "What were you thinking about?"
Rachel looked so somber.
Rachel smiled and shook her head. "It doesn't matter."
Quinn bit her lip and wanted to push, but Rachel seemed like she was pulling away. "Hey, so my mom
and I are probably skipping church today. Do you want to hang out?"
Rachel looked concerned. "Are you going to skip because of me? I don't want to disrupt your Sunday
routine, certainly not discourage your attendance at a house of worship."
Quinn chuckled. "You're not," she assured. "So are we going to spend time together or what?"
Rachel smiled. "We are," she affirmed.
Quinn glanced around Aubrey's old room. "God, this place is like a museum. It's so weird. My parents
never touched it. It's almost exactly the way my sister left it."
Rachel smiled faintly. "I think it's sweet."
"I think it's a little weird."
Rachel smiled crookedly. "We'll just have to agree to disagree."
--
They went downstairs to the kitchen where Judy was making vegan pancakes, scrambled egg
substitute and facon with a plate of real bacon for Quinn.
"You didn't have to go to so much trouble," Rachel protested.
Judy smiled. "It's much healthier this way," she said. "I've lost five pounds since I started incorporating
more vegan meals into my diet." She smiled guiltily and nabbed a couple strips of bacon from Quinn's
plate. "But nothing can truly mimic the taste of genuine bacon."
Rachel smiled adoringly. "This fixation is genetic, isn't it?"
The three shared a laugh.
--
Quinn expected a lazy Sunday of loafing around the house, but instead Rachel insisted she had a
surprise in store.
The 'surprise' turned out to be a tour of the botanical gardens with an hour long tea ceremony at the
end. It was a surprisingly sedate choice for Rachel, but Quinn really liked how peaceful it was.
"This was nice," Quinn said as they exited. She linked arms with Rachel as they walked back to the
brunette's car.
Rachel smiled at her. "I thought we could change up the dinner-and-movie routine we seemed to have
found ourselves in."
Quinn smiled. "I was trying to think of other options, too," she admitted.
She was 18, but Rachel was only 17 and was still a long way from legal adulthood. Options for the
under 21 set were limited, but they couldn't even go to any 18-and-over venues, so their date options
were fairly limited.
They were driving around aimlessly, thinking of something else to do, when Rachel asked, out of
nowhere, "do you feel like dancing?"
Quinn arched an eyebrow. "What did you have in mind?"
"I have a key to the dance studio where I take lessons," Rachel said. "And I know there are no lessons
today. We could go there for a while," Rachel suggested.
Quinn chuckled. "Why do you have a key?"
Rachel smiled. "I give lessons there a couple times a week for some of the younger kids, remember?
You know, pocket cash."
"Oh, yeah. Um, you won't get in trouble?"
Rachel looked insulted. "Do I look like someone who gets in trouble?"
Quinn thought about ballot-stuffing and how Rachel would suck as a criminal mastermind. "Yes, you
do," she teased. "You've got delinquent face."
"I don't have delinquent face," Rachel refuted huffily.
Quinn laughed lowly. "I'd love to dance with you."
Rachel smiled. "Great."
--
They were giggling as Quinn gently mocked Rachel's inability to turn her key properly. But once she
managed, they stumbled inside the studio, giggling. Rachel turned on the lights and Quinn looked
around.
"I loved dance lessons as a kid," Quinn said softly.
"Me too," Rachel murmured.
Rachel walked to the iPod docking station in a corner of the room and set her iPod in it. In a few
seconds, the studio was filled with the sounds of Leona Naess's 'Calling.'
They bowed to one another and Rachel held out her hand to Quinn. "May I have this dance?"
Quinn giggled. "You may."
They fumbled through an attempt of ballroom dancing for the first minute, as they couldn't figure out
who was leading, and at one point, ended up switching off. But once they sorted it out, they managed
to glide gracefully through the studio.
"It's nice, you know, being here with you," Quinn said. "I missed dancing. Finn was awful at dancing.
Every time he stepped on my foot while we were dancing, it always felt like he was breaking it."
"He wasn't that bad," Rachel defended softly.
"Rachel, he once broke your nose while he was trying to dance."
Rachel winced at the memory. "It's definitely not one of his talents, but he really isn't that bad. It's just
that Mike sets the bar so high."
Quinn's mouth quirked into a smile. "Do you have a crush on Mike?" she teased. "Rachel and Mike,
sitting in a tree," she said in a sing-song.
Rachel chuckled. "I've always had a low-grade crush on him," she admitted. "I've never been attracted
to him the way I was with Finn or Noah." Her voice lowered and she stroked Quinn's face. "Or you,"
she whispered. "But how could I not have a crush on him seeing the way he can dance? He moves
like he has no bones in his body." Rachel laughed self-deprecatingly. "I kind of pictured me and him
having a brood of Eurasian children running around speaking in a mix of English, Hebrew and
Chinese."
Quinn chuckled. "Now I want a bunch of babies with Mike Chang. Except if my dad ever comes back,
he would think they were too ethnic and they'd probably end up speaking Swedish or German or
something."
Rachel grinned. "That kind of sounds fun. Your kids with Mike would be so pretty."
"Your kids with Mike would have unmanageable hair."
Rachel scowled which Quinn returned with a beatific smile, maintaining it until Rachel snorted and
grudgingly smiled back.
The song ended and bled into the Leona Naess cover of 'Love is Strange.' Rachel bit her lip and then
seeming after a moment of internal debate, pulled Quinn close, her arms wrapping around Quinn's
waist as the blonde did the same to her, and they began to slow dance.
Quinn felt Rachel's soft breaths on her collarbone. Their bodies mashed together and they swayed
through a series of songs that Rachel seemed to have specifically chosen for this endeavor.
"Is this a playlist?" Quinn whispered as they swayed to a Cat Power cover of 'Sea of Love.'
"Yes," Rachel mumbled against Quinn's neck. "I was aiming for a specific mood." She laughed, her
breath warming Quinn's skin. "Did I succeed?"
"Yeah," Quinn assured softly.
It remained quiet between them as they swayed to the music, not caring or noticing as numerous
songs marked the passage of time.
"This is the last song," Rachel said softly as 'Who's Loving You' by the Jackson 5 popped on.
"Okay," Quinn said quietly, pulling back slightly so she could get enough leverage to tuck her thumb
under Rachel's chin. They stared at one another for a long moment and they both stopped swaying.
Rachel's lips parted. "You should kiss me," she whispered.
Quinn smiled lopsidedly. "Are you ordering me around? You aren't the boss of me," she teased.
"It was more of a helpful suggestion," Rachel murmured.
"I'm taking it under consideration," Quinn said before she brought her lips to cover Rachel's.
They were still kissing long after the song ended.
--
"Can you call your mom and ask her if there's anything she needs us to get while we're out?" Rachel
asked as they got into the car after locking up the dance studio.
Quinn rolled her eyes. "It's fine, Rach."
"Please? We're out anyway. If she needs anything, we can bring it to her."
Quinn sighed. "Fine."
She called her mother once Rachel started the ignition.
"Quinnie? Is something wrong?" Judy sounded concerned, as she was not accustomed to Quinn
calling her while she was out.
"No, we're fine," Quinn said. "We're just on our way back. Rachel is going to drop me off. We wanted
to make sure you didn't need anything since we're almost home."
Judy sounded confused. "You're rarely this considerate, Quinnie,"
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Thank-you, mom."
"I actually could use some panko crumbs. I'm making macaroni and cheese tonight and we've run out."
Quinn's eyes lit up. "You're making macaroni and cheese?"
Her mother's macaroni and cheese was killer. It used three different types of cheese, mushrooms,
bacon fat, fresh herbs and truffle oil. Quinn suppressed a moan at the mere thought of it.
Judy laughed. "Yes, I am. Will Rachel be staying for dinner?"
Quinn became suspicious. "Are you making real macaroni and cheese or the wei--" Quinn stopped
herself from saying the 'weirdo way.' She cleared her throat and smiled innocently at Rachel who side-
eyed her. "Is it real cheese?"
"It's real cheese," Judy affirmed. "But if Rachel is staying for dinner, I'll be sure to make some items
she can eat."
"My mom wants to know if you're staying for dinner," Quinn said.
Rachel shook her head. "I shouldn't."
"Do you have plans already?" Quinn asked intently.
Rachel bit her lip. "No, but I don't want to intrude, so…"
"You won't be intruding. Stay for dinner," Quinn urged.
"I--" Rachel's mouth curved into a slow smile. "Okay."
Quinn grinned. "Mom," she spoke into the phone. "Rachel's staying for dinner."
"Wonderful, Quinn."
--
Even though Quinn told Rachel not to, Rachel insisted on buying fresh cut flowers at the grocery store.
Quinn didn't exactly understand the overeagerness Rachel displayed with other people's parents--
Quinn had seen Rachel do it with her mom, Kurt's father and Finn's mother, but she thought it was
better than the awkwardness her previous boyfriends showed around her parents.
They were walking toward the check-out line, gently bickering about the merits of panko crumbs
versus bread crumbs when a child's cry pierced the air.
"Quinn! Rachel!"
Quinn and Rachel gazed down the aisle they were passing and saw Shelby and Beth. Beth was
frantically trying to escape the shopping cart and was wiggling her arms, beckoning toward Quinn and
Rachel.
With a fond, exasperated sigh, Shelby pulled Beth out of the shopping cart child seat and set her on
the ground. Beth grinned up at Shelby before she began running down the aisle toward Quinn and
Rachel.
Quinn's heart swelled at the sight and she got down on her knees and threw her arms out and Beth
jumped into her.
"Hi baby," Quinn murmured, hugging Beth close.
"Quinn," Beth babbled. "Quinn."
Rachel ruffled Beth's hair. "Hi, baby Beth," she greeted in a high pitched sing-song.
Beth giggled and reached out with her arms. "Rachel."
Shelby approached slowly. "Hi girls," she greeted.
Rachel smiled. "Hi Shelby," she said warmly. She hesitantly stepped forward and gave Shelby a brief
hug.
Shelby beamed. "You seem like you're in a good mood," she commented.
"I'm having the best day," Rachel said, her eyes unconsciously flickering to Quinn.
Quinn smiled in return.
Shelby glanced from Rachel to Quinn and then back to Rachel. "I'm glad to hear it," she said
enthusiastically. She gazed at Rachel. "Do you want to have dinner tonight?" she asked.
Rachel smiled apologetically. "I can't," she said. "I'm having dinner with Quinn and her mom tonight.
Raincheck?"
Shelby smiled. "How is tomorrow?"
Rachel grinned. "Tomorrow is perfect."
Shelby gazed at Quinn. "Would you like to watch Beth while Rachel and I have dinner, Quinn?"
Quinn was still holding Beth in her arms and bouncing her up and down, making Beth giggle into her
neck. She wanted nothing more. "I'd love to watch Beth."
Shelby smiled at Rachel. "I know tomorrow is a school night, but maybe before we have dinner, we
could do something. Go shopping or watch a movie. We can meet up right after school."
Rachel looked hesitant. "Well…"
Shelby cast a discreet look at Quinn, and Quinn got the message.
"Why don't you, Rach?" Quinn asked, a little too enthusiastically.
Rachel looked at her questioningly, her forehead furrowing for a moment before she turned her
attention back to Shelby. "Okay," she acquiesced.
Shelby smiled and rubbed Rachel's arm. "Perfect."
--
mjacton
2012-01-18 03:38 pm (local)
Hmmm...I'm wondering if the problem with Shelby and Quinn's bargain isn't just Quinn's manipulation
of Rachel but also the danger of Shelby replacing Beth with Rachel. It seemed to me in this case at
least that she a little too eager to get rid of Beth in favor of spending time with Rachel.
I may be off the mark of your intentions, but readers can interpret right? :)
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:32 am (local)
I never even thought of it that way, but holy shit what a fascinating issue that would have been!
Fuck, I should have sent it to you and asked you for ideas. I really like that interpretation and wish
I could have touched on it.
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sulkygeekff
January 17th, 2012
Rachel was quiet and contemplative on the ride to Quinn's house.

"What's on your mind?" Quinn asked quietly.
Once upon a time, asking Rachel that question and getting an answer would have been a frightening,
possibly horrifying prospect. But now she really wanted to know.
"I don't get her," Rachel said quietly. "We've been spending time together and I still don't really get
what she wants from me. I mean, what if the only reason she wants me around is that she wants
someone around for Beth in case something happens to her? Like she dies or something."
Quinn made a face. "That's a weird thing to think."
"It kind of makes sense," Rachel said after a moment's pause. "I mean, maybe not, like now, but
maybe when Beth is older. I bet Shelby is thinking about where Beth would spend the holidays or
something when Beth is much older and Shelby isn't around anymore." Rachel looked depressed. "I
mean, I like Beth and all, she's cute." She bit her lip. "And I kind of think of her as yours even if I
shouldn't, so that kind of makes me love her more. But…" Rachel hesitated. "I wish Shelby would want
to get to know me for the sake of getting to know me, not to make sure she has someone looking out
for Beth."
"Well, I'd look out for Beth if anything ever happened to Shelby," Quinn said testily. "And if Beth ever
needed a place to go on the holidays, she could always spend it with me."
"I know," Rachel said carefully. "But I was thinking about it from Shelby's perspective. I'm just…I'm
really trying to figure out what she wants."
"Maybe she just wants a relationship with you," Quinn said softly. She didn't say it so much for
Shelby's sake as she did for Rachel, because Rachel spoke like she couldn't fathom Shelby wanting to
get to know her purely for the sake of getting to know her. And that made Quinn sad.
"Maybe," Rachel said, but she sounded dubious.
They were quiet for the rest of the car ride, but it was a short trip.
--
Quinn walked into her house with Rachel in tow. The house smelled amazing.
"Hi, mom," Quinn greeted. "We're home."
Rachel smiled shyly. "Hi, Ms. Fabray," she greeted. She passed Judy the flowers. "These are for you."
Judy smiled and received them. She smelled the fresh-cut flowers. "Thank-you, Rachel," she said,
reaching out to gently pinch Rachel's cheek.
Rachel blushed. "Do you need help?"
Judy shooed her away. "I'll call you and Quinn when it's time for dinner."
Quinn hooked her arm up with Rachel's and they walked up to Quinn's room, never once separating
until they got to Quinn's bedroom. They sat down on Quinn's bed to pass the time by watching TV.
Quinn grabbed her remote, but before she could turn it on, Rachel rested her head on Quinn's
shoulder.
"Your hair tickles," Quinn complained good-naturedly.
Rachel laughed softly. "Sorry," she murmured, reaching out to scratch at Quinn's neck.
Quinn's breath caught, that felt so intimate.
"Better?" Rachel asked.
Quinn grinned. "My nose itches, too."
Rachel laughed and reached up to scratch at Quinn's nose. She kissed Quinn on the mouth-- just a
brief peck and pulled back to regard her. "Do you see how much I love you? I have your dead skin
cells under my fingernails now."
Quinn groaned, horrified by that thought. "I can't let you stay in my bed until you wash your hands."
Rachel rolled her eyes. "They're your dead skin cells," she pointed out, reaching out to tap Quinn on
the nose.
Quinn pulled back. "Wash your hands."
Rachel rolled her eyes again. "I will accommodate your polite request, primarily because upon deeper
thought, it is very unsanitary, though I believe your dead skin cells would be fairly benign germs and
bacteria to my immune system."
Quinn scowled. "How dirty do you think I am?"
Rachel smiled impishly. "Well, we have time to find out, don't we?" she drawled, giving Quinn a
suggestive smile. She got off the bed and wiggled her butt in a manner that would have been
considered obscene in some states fifty years ago, and scampered off to use the bathroom.
Quinn tried hard not to picture Rachel naked because she felt that since they weren't doing anything
sexual, it would be very disrespectful. But it was very difficult.
Rachel came back to the room, practically bouncing into it. She wiggled her hands like spirit fingers. "I
could operate on someone, I am so clean right now!" she exclaimed. She got into the bed. "Smell my
hands."
Quinn looked at her suspiciously. "Why?"
"So you can see how clean my hands are."
"By smelling them?"
"Often you can tell how clean something is by its odor. My hands smell like the lavender soap in your
bathroom."
"Then I know what your hands smell like."
"Smell them," Rachel pleaded.
"No, I told you, I already know what they smell like."
"Smell them!" Rachel coaxed.
Quinn made a dissatisfied, displeased noise. "Ugh," she groaned. "You're so irritating," she snapped,
feeling awful when she saw Rachel's smile dip and the way Rachel started to pull back. "Fine," she
acquiesced. "I'll smell them." She grabbed Rachel's hands and brought them to her face and inhaled
deeply. "See? I took a big whiff." She inhaled again.
Rachel laughed and grabbed Quinn's face with both hands, pinching Quinn's cheeks. It was so easy to
make her laugh, so easy to raise her up. All Quinn had to do was not be a jerk. She wished she could
make Rachel happier.
"I'm not scratching youuu," Rachel called out. "I'm not getting your dead skin cells under my
fingernails!"
Quinn rolled her eyes and batted Rachel's hands away. "Stop it, you weirdo."
Rachel laughed and made herself comfortable on the bed. Quinn scooted over and rested her head
against Rachel's neck.
"Now your hair is tickling me," Rachel said.
"Shut up," Quinn murmured gently. She kissed at Rachel's neck. "Better?"
Rachel swallowed. "Much," she breathed.
Quinn always felt a little down on Sunday nights because the prospect of going back to school loomed
over her. She never enjoyed school very much-- it wasn't the work, that came easily enough. It was
just exhausting putting up a façade.
Quinn turned on the TV in her room and they started to watch an Iron Chef rerun.
Rachel pulled away and grabbed Quinn's hand. "Play thumb war with me," she pleaded.
"You know my hands are way bigger than yours, right?" Quinn said, measuring her hand against
Rachel's.
"Be that as it may," Rachel said. "But I'm quite the tactician."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Sure. You can be Napoleon. He was short, too."
Rachel glared at her.
Quinn snorted with laughter. She just could not wilt under the severity of Rachel's disapproval. She
looked too cute.
After five rounds of thumb war, and five straight losses, Rachel yanked her hand away. "I'm never
playing this game with you again!" she huffed.
Quinn laughed, "I told you so."
"I demand a rematch! One last rematch to decisively prove who is better at thumb war!"
Quinn looked at her in puzzlement. "You just said you were never playing this game with me again."
"I changed my mind!"
Quinn laughed and held her hand out.
Rachel stuck her hand out as well and they got into the appropriate position, an intense look of
concentration on Rachel's face.
"One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war," they said together.
They wiggled their thumbs around.
"God! You're like an octopus!" Rachel griped.
"Or a monkey," Quinn conceded with a laugh. She was in a jovial mood, so she pronounced it
'mooonkaaay.'
Finally, Quinn managed to get the upper hand and she pinned Rachel's thumb with her own. Rachel
began pulling away, but Quinn covered their joined hands with her free hand.
"Hey," she whispered, leaning in close. She relaxed the hold she had on Rachel's hands and brought
them up to gently push down on Rachel's shoulders, so Rachel laid with her back flat on the bed.
"Hi," Rachel whispered as Quinn straddled her.
"Wanna be my girlfriend?" Quinn whispered, nuzzling Rachel's cheek.
Rachel bit her lip. "Just to clarify our terms, that means we're exclusive now, right?" she asked softly.
Quinn wanted to groan at how Rachel could really ruin a moment sometimes. She was so wordy.
'You're lucky you're cute,' she thought.
"Yeah," Quinn informed.
Rachel beamed. "Good," she breathed. "Because I don't want anyone other than you," she said with a
smile that was downright shiny. "I just want you."
Quinn matched Rachel's beaming grin with one of her own. "Me too," she murmured.
Quinn could concede that Rachel could really ruin a moment sometimes, but Rachel could also take a
really good moment and make it even better.
--
Dinner was nothing unusual. It was pleasant and Quinn was glad her mother and her…girlfriend
seemed to like one another. Really, Quinn wasn't sure how things could be better.
She even convinced her mother to allow Rachel to sleep over again, even though being Sunday, it
was a school night.
Her mother was well-intentioned, but she didn't ask the questions most other parents asked.
It was definitely a mixed blessing.
It was a curse when she was pregnant and knew her mother knew and she desperately wanted her
mother to say something though she knew her mother never would. But it was a blessing when she
asked her mother if her girlfriend could sleep over even though her mother knew she and Rachel were
more than friends. She knew she could count on her mom not to ask questions.
--
Once again, Quinn found herself sneaking into her older sister's former room. She crawled into bed,
cuddling next to Rachel, so they were face-to-face.
"Well, hello there," Rachel drawled.
"Hi," Quinn whispered.
"Are you sure we won't get in trouble?" Rachel asks. "This seems disrespectful to your mom and I
don't want her to think ill of me."
Quinn nuzzled Rachel's neck. "Don't worry about it," she murmured. "If she catches us, I'll just tell her I
had a bad dream."
Rachel stroked her hair. "Do you have a lot of those?"
Quinn swallowed hard. This was taking a more serious turn that she anticipated. "Sometimes," she
admitted quietly. "I wake up at night hearing a baby crying."
"Beth," Rachel breathed.
Quinn nodded slightly in affirmation.
Rachel petted Quinn's hair. "I didn't know it was that bad for you," she said quietly. "I'm sorry. If I'd
known it was that bad, I wouldn't have been so harsh with you when I told you that Shelby was Beth's
mother."
Quinn swallowed hard. "I needed to hear it," she admitted. "But I just miss her. Sometimes all I want is
my baby back."
Rachel nuzzled Quinn's nose. She stroked Quinn's cheek. "It just wasn't your time yet, Quinn," she
whispered. "You're going to get out of this town, you're going to go to Yale. You're going to travel and
do so much. And then, when you're ready, you're going to have your turn. You have so much love to
give, I know you're going to be an amazing mom."
Quinn's eyes brimmed with tears and spilled over. "Give me your hand," she pleaded.
Rachel obliged and Quinn pressed Rachel's hand over her stomach, holding Rachel's hand down. She
felt so empty without her baby and sometimes she just needed a reminder.
"Please." Quinn pleaded, pressing down a little harder on Rachel's hand so it exerted more pressure
on her stomach. "Sometimes I just need to remember she was there once."
"Hold on," Rachel whispered.
Rachel shimmied down and rested her head against Quinn's belly. "Better?" she asked softly.
Quinn sighed with relief. It was perfect. She ran her hands through Rachel's hair. "God, yes," she
whispered.
Rachel pulled up the shirt Quinn was wearing to kiss Quinn's bare belly. "One day," she whispered
reverently. "One day, Quinn. I promise."
Quinn released a low moan. "Thank you," she whispered. She wanted so much to believe she could
still have that one day. Sometimes, she was terrified that Beth was her last chance the way Rachel
was Shelby's last chance. She was terrified she would end up like Shelby in another twenty years. She
needed to believe God wasn't going to punish her for giving away her perfect baby by taking away her
ability to one day truly be a mother.
Rachel pressed another feather-light kiss to Quinn's belly. "I love you."
No one really understood how she felt. She'd lost Beth. And she was acutely aware Beth was never
really hers, but she felt like Beth belonged to her.
People acted like she had no right to mourn that loss, and maybe she really had no right.
But the fact of that matter was, she did feel it, and every other parent would get a little sympathy or
empathy if they lost their baby. Sometimes it hurt so much, it was like her baby died. She knew she
couldn't compare-- she was enough of a mother to know there was no comparison-- she got to see her
beautiful baby girl on a weekly basis. Sometimes even more.
But she still felt the need to grieve that loss, and it was, in fact, a loss. Except everyone told her she
was crazy and she just wanted to be able to scream, cry and regret. Why did that have to make her
crazy?
"You're amazing with Beth," Rachel said softly, rubbing Quinn's belly. "I'm sorry you didn't get your
chance with her. I know you would have been an amazing mom. I know she's Shelby's now, but she
was yours first and I just know that the best parts of her would have come from you."
Quinn wiped at her eyes. "Stop making me cry," she whispered, laughing softly through her tears.
"I love you, Quinn," Rachel murmured. "I can only believe that good things are going to happen to you
and that you're going to do great things."
Quinn swallowed hard "I love you, too," she said hoarsely. There was so much more she wanted to
say, but that was the simplest way she could put it.
--
Quinn was embarrassed for herself the next morning when she woke up. Rachel's head was still
pressed against her stomach.
"Are you awake now?" Rachel whispered.
Quinn blinked. "You're awake?"
"Yes."
Quinn chuckled disbelievingly. "Why are you still down there?" She winced a little because that
sounded so dirty for something so innocent.
"I wasn't sure if you still needed this…you…you said you had bad dreams sometimes, which I took to
assume you had problems sleeping overall. I--I wanted to make sure you got a good night's sleep."
Quinn flushed as she remembered she'd begged Rachel the night before to remind her that Beth was
once a part of her. This neediness inside of her was a secret she'd planned to keep, and never reveal
to anyone, not even Rachel. But Rachel just seemed so safe.
"I'm sorry," Quinn whispered.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Rachel whispered. She kissed Quinn's belly again. "We all need
reminders that people were with us," she murmured. She nuzzled Quinn's stomach. "You were so
beautiful while you were pregnant," she whispered, her breath warm against Quinn's abdomen. "You
were so lovely" Rachel cooed. "I found myself staring at you, all the time while Beth was here," she
murmured, gently patting Quinn's stomach and pressing small kisses against her skin.
.
Quinn let out a small moan, because while she'd been pregnant, she felt anything but beautiful.
"Rachel," Quinn moaned. "Please. Please kiss me."
Rachel smiled against the skin of Quinn's belly. "I am kissing you. Have you failed to notice this? If so,
I can tell you I am going to become very upset and I will find that reasonable."
Quinn groaned lowly, unsure if she was annoyed or horny. She was suddenly wet, which basically
proved that she was horny, not annoyed. She was struck with the fear that Rachel could smell her
arousal, because Quinn was keenly aware of it. "Come up here and kiss me," she whispered.
Rachel laughed softly, but she obliged. She scrambled up, and they were face-to-face. They kissed
and Quinn didn't even care that they both had morning breath. It was kind of gross, but it was a
completely insignificant fact. It was a milestone for her, because she knew Rachel clearly didn't care
either.
--
A couple weeks passed unremarkably, except for the fact that Quinn had a girlfriend now.
Their relationship really hadn't changed or progressed much, but Quinn was okay with that. She was
still trying to wrap her head around it-- she never thought she'd ever have a girlfriend. And since she'd
sworn off alcohol for the most part, she never thought she'd even have some drunken fling in college.
She truly believed that was a part of herself she could repress forever.
Truthfully, it was possible that she could have. She'd never really been attracted to another girl other
than Rachel, though she'd wrestled with finding women attractive, though not in the clinical,
appreciative way straight women did. No, there'd always been something more carnal in the way she'd
found other women attractive, but the only girl she'd ever truly been attracted to was Rachel, and she'd
convinced herself Rachel was out of reach and untouchable.
Now she had Rachel, and Rachel actually admitted she'd been attracted to her since middle school
which just completely blew Quinn's mind.
She felt happy and alive. For the first time in her life, she really felt her age. She felt like she was
eighteen and had the world at her fingertips, like it was full of possibilities. She didn't feel old and
burdened with regret.
--
Their attendance at a Saturday night party was practically mandatory because Matt Rutherford moved
back into town and Jimmy Kensington from the football team was hosting a welcome back party at his
house.
--
The party was already in full swing when they arrived. Quinn had never seen so many people at one
party. It was chaos. It was Babylon. Her father would have made a Sodom and Gomorrah reference
(because of the bacchanal-level indulgence, not gay people.)
It was like the whole school was there. Matt was always very popular despite the fact he was
practically nonverbal. He was genuinely nice, so many people wanted to greet his return.
Quinn had picked Rachel up and they arrived at the party together, but they didn't stay together for
very long because Quinn was pulled in one direction and Rachel in another. A mistake they'd both
made in past relationships was expecting to spend all their free time with the other person-- they were
already together too much, to the point they tended to shut out the rest of the world. Most of their time
together was spent exclusively with one another, cutting other people out.
This was a party, and they'd both agreed ahead of time, it would be good for both of them to catch up
separately with friends and come together periodically throughout the night to check in.
--
Quinn lost track of Rachel hours ago. Quinn got pulled into a conversation with Santana and Brittany,
while Rachel got pulled into something with Puck and Mike Chang. The last time Quinn saw Rachel,
her girlfriend was playing Rock Band with Puckerman and Chang.
But that was hours ago, and now Quinn had no idea where Rachel was.
Quinn wandered through the very large house in search of her girlfriend, but couldn't find Rachel any
place where groups of people were congregating.
She went against her instincts and began opening bedroom doors, apologizing when she walked in on
people she definitely should not walked in on.
In the fifth and final bedroom, the one furthest away from the common areas of the house, she tried
the door and it stuck a bit. She jiggled the knob and she heard a metallic click followed by a scrape.
She turned the knob all the way and opened the door.
She heard very familiar moaning.
Quinn's jaw clenched as she saw her girlfriend beneath a blond man she couldn't recognize. She didn't
even get a very good look at him.
Because he didn’t really matter.
She stared at Rachel whose eyes were squeezed shut in pleasure, her breathy, low moans filling the
room.
Quinn clenched her jaw. She gritted her teeth. She wanted to scream. She wanted to hit.
But instead, she gently shut the door.
This… this didn’t have to be a big deal. She'd confront Rachel about it, but she was already so pitifully
in love with Rachel that this…this wasn't a dealbreaker. She could forgive this, provided Rachel was
honest about it when Quinn confronted her.
She didn't want to say anything she'd regret, because she knew there were things she wanted to say
at the moment that were unforgivable and even as she felt them, she was also distantly aware she
didn't really mean them. She didn't really want to call Rachel a 'slutty tranny whore' or tell Rachel to
use her fucking manhands to put on her fugly grandma toddler dress and get respectable again. Well,
she wanted to, but not enough to actually say it.
So, she calmly walked out of the house and left.
She'd given Rachel a ride to the party, but she thought Rachel could find her own way home.
Quinn knew she was a chump, but she wasn't a total sucker. She wasn't going to call Rachel the
treasure trove of denigrating names that Rachel so richly deserved for being a cheating slut, but she
sure as hell wasn't going to wait around for Rachel to finish cheating on her and give Rachel a ride
home like she was Rachel's gallant chump date.
That guy that Rachel had given herself over to like some cheap whore would just have to be her knight
in shining armor tonight. If Rachel was going to let him ride her like she was a fucking pony or
something, then he could give her a ride home.
--
Quinn drove home, in tears. She was so angry.
Her mom was passed out on the couch when she got home, but she was relieved to see there was no
glass of any kind of alcohol around her, so she was probably just tired and sleeping, not passed out.
Quinn didn't want to deal with her drunk mom on top of a cheating whore of a girlfriend.
She cried herself to sleep mentally calling Rachel every vulgar name she knew, hoping if she just got
out of her system now, then she wouldn't completely lose it when she confronted Rachel tomorrow.
But she wanted to scream. She felt so betrayed. She was furious. There Rachel was, fucking someone
else, when they hadn't even….Quinn couldn't finish that thought. It hurt too much.
How the hell could Rachel say 'I love you' and do that to her? How could Rachel claim she wasn't
ready to have sex with her and then sleep with someone else? How could Rachel be so sweet to her
one night, to build her up and make her feel so whole, only to tear her apart the next?
How? It was like she didn't really know Rachel at all.
--
She woke up hours later because her mother was crying and shaking her awake.
"Quinn. Quinnie. Quinnie, you have to wake up."
Quinn rolled away from her mother. "Mom, what's going on?"
Though her mother waking her up like this was completely unheard of, it did not inspire terror in her
yet. She thought maybe her mother was just sloppy and drunk.
"Quinnie, get dressed. Henry called from the hospital. He says Rachel was brought in."
Quinn was fully awake now. "What?" she asked panicked. "What? What?!"
She realized belatedly that she was yelling.
"Please, get up," Judy said. "Rachel was brought into the hospital," she repeated. Judy's voice
trembled. "He said it's not good."
Quinn couldn't breathe, but she got out of bed to get dressed, like an automaton. Her head was a
mess of questions.
Quinn's uncle, Henry, was an ER doctor at Lima General. He was her mother's brother, and she liked
him and he liked her enough that he'd attended a few of her glee performances, making it a point to go
if she were a featured soloist or had a duet. Ever since her father was MIA from her life, Henry had
stepped in She didn't see a lot of him, but he sent her a few emails and texts now-and-then just to
make sure she was all right. He was kinder than her father, so she didn't mind having another
absentee father figure in her life.
But Quinn just couldn't see the connection between her uncle and her girlfriend. She couldn't see a
world in which they would ever meet without her introducing them.
No, this couldn't be happening. This wasn't happening.
Still, despite how unbelievable all this was, she put on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie over her
tanktop and she and her mother made a hasty exit from the house.
--
Quinn was relieved her mother was driving, because she did not believe she could safely maneuver a
vehicle at that moment.
Quinn wrapped her arms around herself during the car ride, willing herself not to cry. She couldn't cry.
'I shouldn't have left her,' she thought.
What the hell happened?
--
She got her answer when she arrived at the hospital.
They found her uncle who quietly explained that Rachel was brought in after being found naked, and
physically assaulted on the side of the highway. She'd nearly been run over by someone who had a
flat tire, and when the unfortunate motorist stepped out to check on his tire, he came across Rachel,
lying on the side of the road, unconscious.
By the time she was brought into the ER, she'd managed to be revived by EMTs. She'd been
disoriented and barely conscious-- she'd clearly been drugged, though a toxicology was still pending
on exactly what type of drugs. Henry suspected roofies. A physical examination confirmed sexual
assault as well because of the anal-genital bruising and the damage done to her wrists from being held
down. There was also bruising to the back of her neck from where someone had clearly held her face-
down on a bed to continue the sexual assault.
When Rachel was brought in, she was still disoriented and rambling incoherently. She'd needed
immediate surgical attention for bleeding in her stomach and a perforated bowel. When the hospital
attempted to ascertain an emergency contact, Rachel pleaded for hospital staff to call Quinn before
she was taken in for surgery.
It was only after the surgery was complete and hospital personnel once again tried to ascertain
emergency contact information that Henry recognized Rachel from the glee performances he'd
attended. He realized that the Quinn that Rachel was referring to was his own niece and made the call
to Judy.
He'd only called because Rachel asked, otherwise, he'd have to preserve Rachel's confidentiality.
The surgery was routine, and it went well, but the hospital was overwhelmed and Rachel was in a
recovery room waiting to be taken to a private room.
Quinn listened to her uncle's quiet explanations of Rachel's prognosis-- it was good, Rachel should
make a full recovery, but Quinn still wanted to cry because her uncle gently explained Rachel's injuries
were extensive and would have a difficult recovery. Further, many of Rachel's injuries looked more
severe than they actually were.
Quinn took a deep breath trying to calm herself.
And then she threw up on her uncle. She broke into sobs as she thought about what she'd seen that
night and how she'd just assumed the worst of Rachel and just walked away. She'd been right there--
while her girlfriend was drugged and being raped and she just left.
Quinn thought back to what she'd seen and realized Rachel's eyes hadn't been closed in pleasure--
she'd been drugged. And she wasn't moaning because she felt good, she'd been in pain. Quinn caught
it right in the act and could have stopped it right there. But instead, she walked away.
Quinn fell to her knees and threw up again. And then she'd just left the party, so that that the person
who hurt her girlfriend could take her and just toss her, naked, from a moving car onto the side of the
highway, leaving her for dead. Quinn clutched her hands over her ears, rocking back and forth while
still on her knees, her breaths heaving out in huge sobs.
It was too much, she couldn't handle this.
She could have stopped this, she could have saved her girlfriend, but instead, she just walked away.
She thought she was doing the mature thing-- walking away to calm down, but instead, she'd
condemned Rachel to this awful fate and she could have stopped it.
All she had to do was open her mouth.
"Quinnie," Judy whispered, crouching down and wrapping her arms, tightly, around Quinn. "It's going
to be okay, honey. But you have to be strong now, Quinnie. You have to be strong for Rachel, can you
do that?"
Still sobbing, Quinn nodded her head, but she remained on the floor. Judy held Quinn while she cried
and tried to compose herself
--
When she was finally able to see Rachel behind a privacy curtain, in the recovery room, Rachel had
just finished speaking with a female detective.
Quinn's mother gasped when they saw Rachel, but Quinn couldn't make a sound. She couldn't
breathe. When she finally could breathe again, a whimpering croak escaped her throat.
It looked like someone used Rachel as a punching bag.
'Her face…' Quinn thought.
She'd thought she was prepared for the worst. She pictured Rachel with two black eyes or perhaps a
broken nose. But she wasn't prepared for what she saw. Rachel did have two black eyes and her face
was completely covered in bruises, but what made Quinn want to scream was that one side of
Rachel's face like it'd been caved in, and both her lips were busted with stitches in them.
Henry put his hand on Quinn's back. "She has a cheek bone and eye socket fracture," he explained
quietly. "We repaired that in surgery, too. Our best plastic surgeon is a good friend of mine and he
came back from home to do it. Don't worry, Quinnie. It'll be okay. That was the worst of her facial
injuries and she's going to be fine. We caught it before there could be any problems with her vision."
Quinn took in heaving, gasping breaths. She couldn't stop staring at Rachel.
Rachel's eyes welled with tears as they stared at one another in silence.
"Oh, baby," Quinn whispered.
Rachel's chest began to heave and Henry rushed to immobilize her. "Easy, honey," he soothed. "Take
it easy. It's going to hurt more if you cry, honey. Just stay still as possible, okay, honey?" He turned to
Quinn and Judy. "Be gentle with her, she has two broken ribs. Avoid touching her abdomen-- that's the
surgical spot."
Quinn swallowed hard and walked to Rachel's bed side, and hesitantly reached for Rachel's hand. The
skin around Rachel's wrists was bruised and swollen. She held Rachel's hand gingerly, afraid to hurt
her. She wanted to vomit again as she thought about how she'd just walked away. "Oh God, baby."
Rachel sniffled. "Don't cry," she whispered. "Please. Don't cry." She sounded garbled, like she was
having trouble speaking. It must have been the stitches in her busted lips. Quinn could see that two of
her teeth were broken.
Quinn rubbed circles on Rachel's hand, hoping that she was comforting her girlfriend and not causing
her more pain. .
"Is she in pain?" Quinn asked her uncle, tears filling her eyes. It seemed like such a ridiculous thing to
ask. Of course Rachel was in pain. Every movement she made seemed to cause her pain. "Can't you
give her anything?"
"We've already given her everything that we can," he explained gently
"Quinn," Rachel called out weakly. "I'm okay. Be nice. He's my doctor."
Quinn swallowed hard. "Baby," she whispered. "I'm so sorry." She fell to her knees next to the bed,
clutching Rachel's hand. "God, baby. I'm so so so sorry."
Rachel stroked Quinn's hair. "You didn't do anything," she croaked.
That was exactly the point.
--
They were just sitting in silence waiting for Rachel to get moved into a private room, when the privacy
curtain drew apart and a woman in a white shirt and blue jeans stood there holding a brown folder.
"Rachel? I'm Jeanie Whang. I'm a social worker with Child Protective Services."
Quinn swallowed hard, confused as the why CPS would be involved.
Rachel sighed raggedly.
--
Rachel asked for privacy, so Quinn and Judy obliged. Quinn was furious when she saw her uncle
again and she stormed up to him.
"Uncle Henry! Why would you call Child Protective Services?! She already has enough to deal with!
How could you do that to her?!" she screeched.
But come to think of it, Rachel's fathers weren't at the hospital, and they should be. She didn't even
think about them, but now their absence was glaring.
"Quinn," Henry said quietly. "I had to."
"Why?!" Quinn yelled. "Why would you do that to her?!"
"Quinn, she needs to tell you. But don't make her talk too much. She didn't break her jaw, but she's in
a lot of pain. Basic things like chewing and speaking will be difficult for her with a cheek and eye
socket fracture. And she has stitches in her lips."
Quinn glared at him. "You're just making it harder for her!" She stomped away from him.
--
Quinn wanted to scream.
She was on her way back to Rachel, when she saw the detective speaking to a nurse at the nurses'
station. She swallowed hard because she knew she'd had to own up to what she'd done that night, or
rather, own up to her inaction.
"Excuse me?" she whispered, approaching her. "Could I speak to you?"
--
She admitted to everything-- that she'd believed Rachel was cheating and just walked away and left
Rachel at the party mostly out of spite. She admitted she couldn't even help with a description of the
suspect other than that he was blond and had fairly long hair for a man.
Some people who caught their partners cheating claimed they could recall every detail like it was
cinematic or something. But those people were wrong-- things were blurry for her now. Not that Rachel
actually had been cheating, but that's what Quinn thought at the time. She'd been so wholly fixated on
Rachel, that she never really saw the guy-- he'd been irrelevant to her then. So she couldn't recall
details, all she could remember was Rachel.
But Rachel hadn't been this bruised when Quinn walked away from that room, which meant the
physical assault came after. Quinn could have spared Rachel from all that damage, but she didn't. She
thought about the pain she could have saved Rachel from, if she'd only just followed her natural
instinct to speak up. Why didn't she just speak up?
The detective-- Jennifer Carver, listened intently. But Quinn couldn't make eye contact because she
did not want to see judgment reflected in Detective Carver's eyes.
"Quinn, it's okay," Detective Carver soothed. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't do this to her. And now we
have an idea of our suspect. One of my guys is interviewing guests who were at the party as we
speak, and we're going to get this guy. Someone must have seen something."
Quinn rubbed her face. "I just walked away from her," she whispered. "When she needed me, I just
walked away." Quinn made eye contact with Detective Carver for the first time. "I just…I didn't want to
say something I'd regret," she whispered, her voice cracking. "I'm always saying awful, mean things to
her and I just didn't want to say something so bad that she'd break up with me. I knew I'd regret it if I
said things that were too hasty." Her voice cracked again. "I didn't think about this. I thought she was
cheating, I didn't know he was hurting her." Her voice broke. "But I should have known because she
wouldn't cheat on </i>me</i>."
Detective Carver squeezed Quinn's hand. "It's not your fault, Quinn."
Quinn sniffed. She wiped at her eyes. "Yes, it is."
No one would ever convince her that it wasn't her fault.

--
The next time Quinn could see Rachel, Rachel had been moved into her private room. Judy was
outside speaking with Henry.
The social worker, Jeanie, stepped out of the room. "I'm just going to sign the consent forms for you,
Rachel, and then I'll come back in and stay with you."
"You don't have to," Rachel said. "I have Quinn." Rachel looked at Quinn, suddenly distressed. "You'll
stay with me, won't you? Please don't leave," Rachel begged.
Quinn flinched at hearing Rachel say 'please don't leave.' She swallowed hard. "Of course I'll stay,
baby," she whispered. She took a seat next to the bed. "I'll never leave you."
Rachel looked so relieved.
"Rachel, I need to sign the forms, I'll be back, okay?" Jeanie called over her shoulder.
"Okay," Rachel said weakly. "Thank you."
Once Jeanie was really gone, Quinn focused her attention on Rachel. "Baby, is there anything I can
get you?" Quinn asked, trying not to cry.
"I'm…I'm okay," Rachel said. "Everything's so foggy," she said weakly. "I can't remember anything. I…
I…I just…I can't…" Rachel trailed off and grimaced, clearly frustrated. "We were at a party, weren't
we? And I was playing Rock Band with Noah and Mike and then…wasn't that tonight? That was
tonight wasn't it? What day is it?" Rachel's voice became increasingly agitated. "I can't remember
anything!"
Quinn gently smoothed Rachel's brow. "Shh," she soothed. "You have to stay calm, sweetheart, okay?
You have to stay calm."
It wasn't 'today' anymore, it was 'tomorrow,' but Rachel seemed so agitated, it seemed like the wrong
time to mention it.
Rachel sniffed lightly-- it hurt too much to take deep breaths. "Okay."
"Baby," Quinn said. "Do you want me to call your dads? They should be here," she said. "Um... Why…
why is CPS here? Why is she signing consent forms for you? Isn't that something your dads should
do? Is…is there something I--I should know?"
The tears that had been welling in Rachel's tears all night finally spilled over.
"Your uncle told me he had to call CPS," Rachel said quietly. "He… he asked me for my parents'
number because they needed to sign consent forms and…" Rachel heaved a sob, crying out when it
pulled at her fractured ribs.
Quinn felt helpless because practically every time she touched Rachel, she caused Rachel more pain.
Rachel's entire body was either bruised, fractured or scraped. She wanted so badly to throw her arms
around Rachel and just hold her, but she couldn't without hurting her.
"My d-da-dads are…are…they're gone," Rachel whispered starkly. "They're dead."
Quinn breathed in sharply, because the information was shocking and she had so many questions, but
as she went over things in her mind, she realized, yes, of course, it made total sense.
5222008
2012-01-17 11:14 pm (local)
I hate when you give me feelings.
But I love when you write angsty, gut-wrenching, believable stories for these two.
These things are hard to reconcile.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-18 02:14 am (local)
Aw. Thank you.
Although I NEVER let them be cute for very long

mjacton
2012-01-18 04:25 pm (local)
Now I wonder if Quinn is ever going to confess to Rachel that she could have intervened. Of all
Quinn's mistakes, it seems this was really the least avoidable. It's true Rachel wouldn't cheat on her so
soon--and she probably should have known--but in the heat of the moment her inaction was
understandable.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:33 am (local)
I'm sure by now you've read it, but yes, she does. I'm sure people thought I'd drag it out, but really,
in the context of the story, it would have come out through the police, you know?
1/25/2016 FIC: Metling Glaciers [7a/12] - sulkygeek fan fic journal: crappy fanfic.
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FIC: Metling Glaciers [7a/12] quinn/rachel quinntana rachel
sulkygeekff
January 17th, 2012
For years, Rachel had never told anyone that her fathers were dead.
But now she'd told an ER doctor who happened to be Quinn's uncle, a CPS social worker and Quinn.
She thought it would be liberating, but each time she'd told someone, she just felt even sadder. Mostly
because everyone asked her that inevitable 'why' question and Rachel was too exhausted to explain
that the world scared her and the fourteen year old version of her did not want to put herself at the
mercy of it.
Rachel could not make eye contact as she explained how her fathers died, how she'd managed to stay
off the radar for three years.
It did not feel liberating. The truth definitely did not set her free, instead telling the truth was likely going
to lock her up into some foster home or group home.
She was terrified at the prospect as she remembered all the stories her fathers used to tell her about
her time in foster care. She couldn't remember it, but they told her that her foster parents had been
awful to her. She'd been told over and over again, never ever to talk to a social worker, never ever to
tell anything about what happened in their home in public because someone hateful could latch onto it,
twist it and then she could be taken away again.
Rachel told her story, haltingly. It was difficult to speak. She couldn't even really feel her face. It felt
numb. She was self-conscious about the stitches in her lips and two broken teeth. She probably
looked positively ghoulish. Quinn was always so beautiful and Rachel felt so ugly. She wished Quinn
wouldn't see her like this. Rachel wasn't exactly sure what she looked like, but she was fairly certain
she was going to be avoiding mirrors for a while.
Mirrors were never really her friends to begin with anyway.
Quinn listened quietly as Rachel spoke.
"Baby," Quinn whispered. "Why didn't…why didn't you tell me? I could have…" she trailed off.
It was clear Quinn realized she really did not know what she would have done if Rachel told.
"I wanted to," Rachel replied quietly. "I wanted to tell you so many times. But I didn't know what to
say," she whispered, tears beginning to fall from her eyes. "I didn't know how I could tell you."
She'd desperately wanted to confide in Quinn, but there was a lingering part of her that had been so
afraid that maybe Quinn was just tricking her, she couldn't bring herself to give herself completely over
to the level of blind trust required to tell Quinn her most painful secret. It was one she would have had
to tell Quinn eventually, but only the most extraordinary of circumstances would have forced her hand
to disclose it now.
She was just so afraid that if she told Quinn, Quinn would tell someone else. It wouldn't matter the
motivating reasons-- malice or genuine concern. If Quinn told someone else, Rachel's life would have
been changed and Rachel was terrified at what would have happened to her. It would have been
outside her ability to control and while she desperately wanted help, she was too frightened by the
possible repercussions to ask for it.
Rachel was becoming agitated-- she found it hard to breathe and every time she took a deep breath,
her vision turned white because of the pain that shot through her torso. She didn't want to start crying
and she was doing her best not to, but everything just hurt too much. She heaved a huge sob that
rattled her entire body and she cried out, agonized, as pain ripped through her.
Quinn hands gently pressed on Rachel's shoulders. "Baby, baby, please calm down," Quinn pleaded,
panicked. "Please. You'll hurt yourself. Please calm down."
But Rachel couldn't. Now that the tears were flowing, she couldn't stop crying. She couldn't take any
more than this. It was just too much.
She wished she'd gone with her fathers on that stupid tour. She wished that man had just killed her
tonight. She wanted to close her eyes and sleep for a hundred years. She never wanted to wake up
again.
She was so tired. She was so weary of pretending, weary of being optimistic, weary of hoping.
She was done.
For years people tried to silence her. They wanted her to go away, to shut her over-large mouth to
stamp out the light in her eyes and mash down her dreams.
Rachel let out a soft moan and let Quinn guide her back into a reclined position, though she could not
lay all the way down because it hurt her ribs and stomach too much to do so.
"Calm down, baby," Quinn whispered, gently stroking Rachel's face and hair. "Breathe. Little breaths,
okay, baby? Stay calm, baby. I'm here now. I'm here."
Rachel closed her eyes and let out a small sigh. 'I wish I were dead,' she thought. She used to believe
that whatever did not kill her could not be that bad because otherwise she'd be dead. But she realized
she just didn't have a better understanding of what pain truly meant.
Now she did.
She wanted to sink deeper and deeper into the bed until she disappeared.
Everyone could get what they wanted now. She was going to fade away.
They won, she lost and she was every bit the loser everyone always said she was.
--
A man in his early 40s came into the room to check on her. He was handsome-- in any other context,
she and Quinn would have made McSteamy references, but now she just felt even uglier because he
was so handsome. He was just her type when it came to guys, too-- tall, with dark hair and dark eyes.
"Rachel, I'm Dr. Del Landry and I'm the best cosmetic surgeon in Ohio. I operated on you today and I
assure you, this gorgeous face will be as good as new. Your scarring will be minimal and will easily be
covered up with make-up."
He smiled at her and she smiled weakly, reflexively. But really, she didn't care anymore.
He was very gentle in his examination, tender, even. She appreciated it, but she was relieved when he
was gone.
"Does it look bad?" Rachel asked Quinn quietly.
"You're beautiful," Quinn said softly.
"What does it look like?" Rachel said. She gingerly put her hand up to touch her cheek. She could feel
the stitches. She winced and pulled her hand away. "Do I look like Frankenstein?"
"It's not bad," Quinn said quietly. "You're beautiful."
'Liar,' Rachel thought. But it was a lie of kindness, and so Rachel could not resent her for it. She drifted
off to sleep with Quinn holding her hand. As she started to fall asleep, she heard Quinn start to cry and
she tried to make herself stay awake to comfort Quinn, but the hospital's medications were simply too
potent.
--
When she woke up again, she was groggy and her throat was so parched, it was painful.
She looked to her left and found Quinn sitting in a chair next to the bed, with her head slightly bowed,
eyes closed, and hands clasped in front of her, her lips moving silently.
Rachel realized Quinn was praying.
"Quinn," she croaked out.
Quinn's eyes flew open. "Baby," she whispered.
"Can I have some water?"
Quinn's face trembled. "Of course, sweetheart," she breathed.
Quinn poured a glass of water, inserted a straw and set it on the nightstand. She helped Rachel sit up
and took the glass of water and brought the straw to Rachel's lips.
Rachel sighed with relief as she felt water pass her lips. It was amazing how the small things in life
could be so important.
"Thank you," Rachel whispered.
"Anything," Quinn breathed. "Anytime."
Rachel leaned back and shut her eyes. She wanted to go back to sleep, get a head start of sleeping
forever.
"My mom is meeting with the social worker at our house," Quinn whispered, gently stroking Rachel's
forehead. "You aren't going to go into foster care, baby. You're going to live with us."
Rachel wished she could care, but she didn't. That should have made her happy, but it didn't. She just
began counting off in her mind. '1, 2, 3, 4, 5…' she wanted to badly to just go to sleep.
"Don't worry, baby," Quinn pleaded. "I'm going to take care of everything."
'6, 7, 8, 9, 10…'
"Trust me."
Rachel drifted off.
--
The next time Rachel awoke, it was because Quinn was having a heated argument with her mother.
She'd roused intermittently because she was poked and prodded by doctors and nurses, but she
generally managed to power through and stay asleep through it or fall back asleep almost
immediately. But Quinn sounded so agitated that Rachel was forced awake.
"You said she could live with us!"
"And I want her to, Quinnie," Judy said, pleading for understanding. "But I had that…blemish on my
record and…"
"It was a DUI, mother," Quinn snarled. "And now Rachel can't live with us because of you. Because
you can't pass the CPS background check."
Rachel opened her eyes and stared groggily at Quinn and Judy, Quinn looking very much like the Ice
Queen Cheerleader whom Rachel once feared, and Judy looking very contrite, her hands up in
supplication.
Quinn's hands clenched into her own hair, tugging at the strands in frantic agitation. "I'm 18. I'm an
adult. I'll move out. I'll have her live with me. I don't have a criminal record. I--"
"Quinnie, you know that will never be approved. We're dealing with something wholly unfamiliar here."
"No!" Quinn yelled. "No, it can't happen like this! I promised her she wouldn't go into foster care! I
promised her she could live with us! You have to do something!"
"Quinn, I'm doing my best. I'm trying to talk to a supervisor and--"
"No!" Quinn cried desperately. "No, you have to do something more! I've never asked you for anything!
I never asked you to protect me from dad or to watch out for me! I've always been obedient and
respectful. I've never asked for anything! Not even on Christmas. I'm asking now. You have to fix this! I
promised her! You have to fix this! You have to make them change their minds and let her live with us!
I promised!"
"Quinn," Rachel breathed weakly.
Quinn stopped immediately and spun around. "Baby?"
"Leave your mom alone," Rachel said softly. "It's disrespectful to yell. It's not her fault."
Quinn's expression crumpled. "Baby…"
Rachel closed her eyes. "I'm going back to sleep," she sighed.
Quinn walked to her quickly and reached for her hand. "I'm sorry, baby. I'll be quiet and let you get
some sleep."
"Okay," Rachel breathed quietly
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Quinn whispered.
Rachel felt asleep to a litany of 'I'm sorry's-- it was like a lullaby.
--
Rachel awoke again a few more times but she managed to shut her eyes and fall back asleep fairly
quickly. Her sleep was blank and dreamless. She had no sense of time-- it could have been a few
minutes or a few hours, even a few days between the moments when her eyes opened and closed.
But then she was roused from a deep sleep and could not go back to sleep again because of shouting
in her room once again.
"How could you just leave my daughter behind like that, you stupid, stupid little girl!"
Rachel only opened her eyes because of Quinn's responding heart-shattering sobs.
"Don't call my daughter 'stupid'!" Judy shouted furiously.
Shelby was there, looking agitated and furious. "You stupid, heartless child," she shouted at Quinn.
"Do you think she would have ever left you behind?! What were you thinking?! Look at what he did to
her! Look at her! Stop looking away! Open your eyes and look at her!"
Quinn let out another sob that made Rachel's heart clench. She couldn't process what Shelby was
saying-- it was Greek to her. All she could hear was Quinn crying and Rachel had to stop the source of
Quinn's unhappiness.
"Don't yell at her," Rachel said quietly.
But it was so loud in there.
"Look at her!" Shelby screamed. "You brought her to the party! You were supposed to leave with her!
Look at what he did to her, you selfish brat! Did you meet some boy? Is that it? Is that why you
abandoned my daughter?!"
"Don't speak to my daughter that way!"
"Look at my daughter!" Shelby screamed. "Look at what he did to her!"
"Don't yell at her," Rachel repeated, as loudly as she could.
This time, she was heard. Everyone turned to look at her, and Rachel could see that they were all
crying. She tried to smile to reassure them, but it hurt, and so she winced. Which only made all of them
look like they were all going to cry harder. With two broken teeth and stitches in both her upper and
lower lips, facial fractures, and all her facial bruising, she must have looked so ghoulish trying to smile.
"Rachel," Shelby breathed.
She rushed next to Rachel's bed, and her hands reached out as if to touch Rachel, but clearly thought
twice about it given the extent of her injuries. She pulled her hands back to cover her mouth. Shelby let
out a shuddering sob.
"Rachel," Shelby breathed, once she was able to speak. "Oh, sweetheart," she whispered, her voice
strangled. "My baby girl."
Rachel looked away, unable to see Shelby seem to fall apart. "Why are you here?" she asked quietly,
confused.
Shelby looked pole-axed. "Sweetheart, of course I would be here," she said, her voice tremulous. "I
came as soon as I heard."
Rachel swallowed with difficulty. "How did you find out?"
Shelby hesitated. "Will called me," she said softly. "The police were at school today because of…"
Rachel's eyes filled with tears. "People know?"
"It's okay, honey," Shelby whispered. "I promise you, it's going to be okay."
Rachel smiled reflexively, even though she didn't feel like smiling. It hurt to smile with a broken
cheekbone. She realized how frequently she instinctually smiled even when she didn't feel like it.
"Okay," she said, mainly to put Shelby, Judy and Quinn at ease. She didn't really think it would ever be
okay. But hopefully if she convinced them she believed it, they would leave her alone and she could
just crawl away and die.
They all seemed to buy it because they all gave her these relieved smiles. Rachel was glad she could
still put on a showface.
--
Rachel forced herself to stay awake after Shelby's arrival even though she really just wanted to sleep.
She could see that all of her sleeping was worrying everyone, and she realized she'd lost most of
Sunday. The party was on a Saturday, so she'd lost practically the entire Sunday because it was now
Monday afternoon which marked Shelby arrival.
A part of her was relieved that she'd been able to lose an entire day of her life-- that meant life could
pass her by with her barely realizing it. But a larger part of her was scared that she could sleep
through an entire day. She wasn't sure which impulse would eventually win out.
She forced herself to talk to Shelby because it seemed like that's what Shelby wanted.
Rachel desperately wanted a parent at the moment, of course. But though Shelby was her mother, she
was not her mom. That had already been made abundantly clear to her before, and while they'd
developed a relationship over the past few months, Rachel wasn't going to delude herself into
believing she had a mom now.
Quinn and Judy gave them some privacy so they could talk. Rachel didn't see what the point was,
everything she wanted to conceal had already been exposed. She didn't even have her modesty--
she'd been found naked on the side of the highway and she was certain that there were probably
images of her naked battered body floating around the internet. She still only remembered bits and
pieces of the night, but she'd started to have flashes of her attacker. She remembered how he'd
smelled. She didn't know the name of the cologne, but if she'd smelled it again, she knew she'd
recognize it. And she also distinctly remembered hearing clicking sounds, like from a camera. And a
very bright camera flash in her eyes.
"Does everyone really know?" Rachel asked Shelby quietly.
Shelby stroked Rachel's hand. "Honey baby," she murmured. "The police are trying to do their job and
they're trying to interview everyone who was at that party and--"
"So, the whole school knows," Rachel said glumly. She wanted to cry again, but she was just too
exhausted. She closed her eyes, hoping if she couldn't see the world, the world couldn't see her.
Shelby held Rachel's hand, gently. "I'm sorry, honey. I'm so sorry."
"I can't ever go back there," Rachel whispered. "I won't."
Shelby's grip tightened. Not enough to hurt, but enough so that Rachel could feel it more.
"You won't have to, baby. I promise. If you don't want to go back, you won't have to. I'll find
somewhere you want to go. I promise you."
Rachel sniffled and suppressed a sob. "What are you going to be able to do about it?" she whispered.
Shelby bent down to kiss Rachel's hand. "You're going to live with me, honey. I found out about your
fathers from the police, baby." Shelby's voice trembled. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked. "I
wouldn't have left you stay alone if I'd known," she said, her voice breaking.
Rachel squeezed her eyes shut, tears leaking past her lids. She couldn't respond to that. She
desperately wanted to ask Shelby for help, but Shelby rejected her. And she knew if she'd told Shelby
about her fathers, Shelby would have called CPS as she was ethically obliged to do, but Rachel was
certain she would have ended up in foster care. But she couldn't tell all that to Shelby now-- it hurt too
much to talk, it hurt too much think, it hurt too much to feel.
"I'm sorry," Shelby whispered. "I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't want to upset you. It's going to be okay. I
don't have any criminal history and I already fingerprinted when I started at McKinley, so I have very
recent fingerprints on file with the state. Your social worker is having the police run my information and
we have an appointment later for her to see my house. You know I have a guestroom. I have to get
fingerprinted again for CPS, but it won't be a problem-- I promise you. We're going to get all this
squared away by the time you're released, and when you are, you're going to live with me and Beth,
okay, baby? You're going to live with me. I'm going to take care of you. You'll see, everything is going
to be okay."
Shelby was uncharacteristically rambling-- it both frightened and confused Rachel.
Rachel sighed. She wanted to protest. She wanted to just give in. She wasn't sure what she wanted.
She wasn't sure what she should do, or what her options were. Everything was a blurry fog.
"I'm just going to go to sleep," Rachel whispered, deciding avoidance was best.
"I'll be here, baby," Shelby whispered back.
--
Rachel woke up a few hours later, her mind foggy and dulled. She knew she'd slept too much. She still
wanted to just go to sleep and never wake up, but apparently that wasn't an option for her, so she
needed to spend more time awake.
Once she started to become more alert, the first thing that sprang to mind was that she didn't have
health insurance. She'd let that lapse after her fathers passed. They were both self-employed, so
they'd always paid for health insurance on their own, and after they died, Rachel couldn't figure out
what to do with it, no matter how much she Googled the subject, so she just let her plan lapse and
hoped for the best.
She hadn't had regular medical care in years. She'd just ignored symptoms like sore throats and ear
infections. She'd been putting off having her tonsils removed after assuring herself that it wouldn't
change her voice because she wasn't sure how she was going to afford it. Now that she was so close
to NYADA, she'd just thought she was going to wait until she got to college and picked up insurance
through Student Health.
But she hadn't been prepared for something of this magnitude.
Her doctor-- Quinn's uncle, had been pretty blunt with her about her injuries. Two broken ribs, a broken
right eye socket, a broken right cheekbone, two broken teeth with busted lips with stitches in them to
go along with it. She'd fractured her right ankle, apparently because she'd been hurled from a moving
car, though she had to be grateful that the car had been moving slowly. She'd had a bleed in her
stomach and a perforated bowel. She had two black eyes because of the cheekbone and eye socket
fractures and bruising every on her body. The genital-anal exam had been one of the most humiliating
experiences of her life and only confirmed the violation she already knew occurred.
Rachel was just glad that she didn't break her nose. Everywhere Rachel looked on her body, there
was some mark or bruise there. Her body horrified her now. She wanted to just forget, but everything,
particularly below the waist hurt, so it was difficult to forget. She was a mess in every way--physical,
emotional, mental. She just couldn't get a grip on her emotions. She was constantly on the verge of
tears.
She knew from the looks on everyone's faces that she looked terrible-- Quinn couldn't look at her
without her entire face trembling. But Rachel was also acutely aware that most of her injuries looked
much worse than they actually were, so the hospital was likely to chuck her out because of her lack of
insurance any minute now. Probably with a decent pain killer prescription though.
Rachel brought up the insurance issue to her social worker, Jeanie, who was dropping in again.
"Actually, you do have insurance now," Jeanie said. "You have it through us. Every dependent of ours
has insurance through the state."
Rachel bit her lip. "So I'm a dependent?"
Jeanie looked regretful. "Not officially, not yet. There's a hearing to decide that, but more than likely,
you will be declared a dependent of the Court. Look, I know you're 17. But you don't turn 18 for
another eight months. That's a long time from now. I had no choice. You don't have legal parents, you
aren't emancipated, you're a minor and you needed someone to sign for consent for your medical
care. You need someone who's going to help you make medical decisions. I had to file a petition on
you, Rachel. You have your hearing in a couple days-- your appearance will be waived, this time of
course. But I know they're not going to kick back the petition. They'll find that there is sufficient reason
for us to remain involved in your life."
"Can't I get emancipated? I'm almost 18 anyway. I don't feel it is necessary to consult with others
regarding my medical care and I will certainly endeavor to figure something out in how to pay for all of
this. I feel it's being too hasty. I just want to be left alone. Can't I just be left alone? I've been on my
own for three years. Doesn't that prove I can do this? I don't need anyone to take caer of me."
"Emancipation is an option we can explore," Jeanie said. "Just not now. There are multiple avenues of
emancipation. You can't just decide to emancipate when you're considered one of our dependents.
Emancipation of minors who aren't our dependents is another process and that's not something we
can explore right now. It can be kind of lengthy to calendar a court date for that type of hearing. We
didn't have the time for it-- time was of the essence, and in all honesty, there's no way you'd be
granted emancipation now. You needed medical care-- you'll need some very lengthy on-going care,
Rachel. If you emancipate, you'll be emancipating from foster care, not on your own and it will be when
you're physically healthy and the Court determines you have some way of making it on your own. I'm
sorry, Rachel. But this is just how it is."
"I don't accept," Rachel said, agitated. "I'm not a child. I've been taking care of myself since I was 14.
I've done everything on my own and I think that proves I don't need to rely on anyone other than
myself."
"Rachel," Jeanie said quietly. "I don't deny that you've flown under our radar, but the truth is, you
shouldn’t have. You're a child."
"I'm not a child," Rachel said flatly.
She'd never been this defiant, combative or rude to an adult before. But she was terrified about what
would happen to her and she knew she would have to fight to keep her life.
"In the eyes of the law, you are."
Rachel sighed. "Shelby-- my biological mother, she said I could live with her. Can't you just release me
to her? She's a parent, right? And then I'll emancipate myself from her. That way, I won't have to be
declared a dependent of the Court the way you're saying."
Jeanie shook her head. "She may be your biological mother, but the law doesn't recognize her as your
parent. We are in the process of figuring out if you can go home with her-- that seems a very viable
choice, but you aren't being released to a parent. You living with her is going to be considered a foster
care placement." Jeanie paused. "I mean, she's not technically a foster parent, she's considered a
non-related extended family member placement, but it'll be like she's a foster parent."
Rachel swallowed hard. "What happens if she changes her mind and doesn't want me to live with
her?"
"I don't think that will happen, Rachel," Jeanie said gently. "She really seems to care about you. She
hasn't left the hospital since she found out. It's what made me inclined to let you go home with her. I
wish I could let you go home with Judy and Quinn, but unfortunately, we can't place children with
people with a criminal record unless they go through a lengthy exemption process. You can go home
to Shelby sooner than you would be able to go home with Judy and Quinn."
Rachel shook her head. "Please, be honest with me. If she decides she doesn't want me, what
happens to me?"
"Well," Jeanie said gently. "If that does happen, and I don't think it will, you'll go into a foster home if
we can't find anyone else who you know that you can go with. At that point, I'm sure Judy would start
the exemption process, but like I said, it takes time and you would have to spend time in foster care."
Rachel trembled. "I don't want to go into foster care again."
"I know, honey," Jeanie said sympathetically. "But if it doesn't work out with Shelby, your old foster
parents want you back."
Rachel blanched. "No! Don't send me back to them. My dads said they were horrible to me."
Jeanie bit her lip. "Do you remember something?"
Rachel shook her head. "No, but my dads said they were awful to me. Please don't send me back
there. I'd rather go with Shelby if that's my only option. I don't want to be in foster care again."
"Rachel," Jeanie said gently. "I read your old file. Your former foster parents wanted to adopt you.
They were a lesbian couple and your fathers were very upset by that. But the records show you were
actually very happy there-- you thrived."
Rachel shook her head. "No, that's not possible. Why would my fathers be upset that another gay
couple was taking care of me? That's absurd and I resent you implying my fathers were in any way
intolerant--"
"Rachel, they weren't upset because they were intolerant. They were upset because you had two
women caring for you and you were calling them both 'mommy'."
Rachel swallowed hard. That would make more sense. But that would also mean her fathers lied to
her. Her head spun. That didn't make sense at all, her parents were always telling her that honesty
was important, that character counted and honesty was an important component of one's character.
She didn't know what to say, but she knew she had to make some kind of response. "Oh," she said
quietly.
"Your former foster parents would very much like it if you went back to their home. Once I realized I
couldn't place you with Judy, I went through your old file to see if there was anyone I could contact
who you maybe didn't know about or couldn’t remember. They still had the same phone number. I told
them what happened and they'd like to see you again even if you aren't placed with them."
Rachel shook her head slowly. "No," she said quietly. "No, I don't know them. I don't want to see them
and I don't want to live with them. I…I'd rather be with Shelby," she whispered. "It'll only be for a few
more months and then I'll go to college." A sudden wave of anxiety overtook her. "I can still go to
NYADA, right? This won't affect it? I have to get out of this town, especially now."
"Of course you can still go," Jeanie said gently. "We'll figure it out. Our goal is always to make sure our
youth go to college."
Rachel quieted down. She'd been able to temporarily forget about why she was here, but now reality
hit her all over again. She willed herself not to cry and to focus on the matter at hand. "What's going to
happen to me now?"
"Well, when you're released, you can go home to Shelby. There's a few procedural things that you
don't really have to worry about-- it's mainly paperwork things to conform with government regulations.
But it'll be resolved when you're released in a few days and basically, you can go home with your
mom."
Rachel wiped at her eyes. "She's not my mom," she whispered.
Jeanie smiled sympathetically. "I know. But she really seems to care for you. Give this a chance. Very
few foster kids have this much say in where they can go."
Rachel sighed softly, very conscious of how much it hurt to do anything. "I don't have a choice."
She was resigned and exhausted. Her face hurt from speaking too much. She castigated herself for
talking so much because now her face and lips were throbbing. She didn't feel like her life would ever
be normal again.
--
Rachel decided it was just better to disengage. Speaking hurt. Breathing hurt. She had no appetite, so
she couldn't eat, not that she wanted to anyway, because it hurt to chew. If she thought too much, she
just wanted to cry.
But she found that if she just stared at a point on the wall, she could just drift off even when she was
awake. She wouldn't fall asleep, but her mind would become blank. It was blissful, this emptiness.
She was polite to the police officers, her CPS social worker, the hospital social worker, doctors, nurses
and the psych interns who poked and prodded at her seemingly every hour. But she was only polite
because she could recognize they were just doing their jobs and they could not leave her alone the
way she wished they would.
She just wanted all of it to go away.
She refused visitors-- Finn and Kurt dropped by, but she didn't want to see them. Noah came, but she
didn't want to see him, either. Mr. Schuester and the other members of the glee club also tried to visit,
but she was sure that it was more titillation factor for them than anything else.
She just didn't want to see anyone.
These people were always content to allow her to be lonely, all too happy to turn a blind eye when
people hurled a Slushie to her face or cut her down with an unkind series of words. None of them ever
stuck up for her. Why were they coming to her now, when she was at her lowest and weakest, when
she didn't want to been seen in her pitiful state? Did they want to laugh?
Her attacker had a gun which he taunted her with.
She wished he'd pulled the trigger.
--
She and Quinn were in the middle of watching the Monday night line-up on ABC when Quinn shut off
the TV.
"I have to tell you something," Quinn said quietly, her voice trembling. "You--" her voice broke. "You're
going to hate me when I tell you everything. But please…" Quinn swallowed hard. "Please stay calm,"
she whispered.
"What is it?" Rachel asked curiously. She almost felt normal, because really, after the last 48 hours,
she didn't think there was anything Quinn could tell her that would really surprise her. She'd already
learned that she couldn't even go to a party without being assaulted. She knew her injuries weren't
exactly life-threatening, not anymore anyway. The most life-threatening injuries were the bleed in her
stomach and the perforated bowel, and those had been fixed pretty quickly, although those would
have killed her if left untreated. If that motorist hadn't gotten a flat tire, it was possible she could have
died an ignoble and undignified death naked on the side of the highway. Her worldview was already
irrevocably damaged-- the world had always seemed dangerous to her, but now it was terrifying. So
really, what could Quinn possibly say to make anything worse?
"Baby, the night of the party…" Quinn's voice trembled. "I…I went to talk to San and Brit…and I…"
Quinn squeezed her eyes shut in a way that Rachel found heartbreaking, but Quinn scrunched her
nose up at the same time in a way that Rachel found adorable. "I left you," Quinn whispered, opening
her eyes and staring at Rachel with red-rimmed eyes.
"You didn't leave me. I was playing Rock Band with Noah and Mike," Rachel said softly.
"I lost track of you," Quinn said softly.
"Is this about what Shelby said? Because she was so wrong and--"
Rachel had a hard time remembering exactly what Shelby said to Quinn a few hours ago, but she
remembered how upset Quinn was by it. Everything since Saturday was a blurry fog. She couldn't
seem to hold onto lucidity for more than a couple hours and her memory was completely shot.
"No," Quinn said quickly. "She was right. I…" Quinn eyes shut again. "I…baby…I went to look for you
and I…" her voice cracked and she shook her head from side to side a few times. Her hands clutched
at the sides of her face, her nails digging into skin and dragging down, leaving visible scratches. "I saw
you," she whispered. "I saw you while you were…" Quinn's voice cracked again and she heaved a
huge sob, but she regained her composure by drawing in a few shuddering breaths. "I thought you
were cheating," she cried with a sob. "I didn't want to say something I'd regret, so I walked away and
I…" Quinn's composure shattered. "I left you!" she half-sobbed, half-screamed. "Oh God, baby. I'm so
sorry! I'm so sorry!" Quinn dissolved into sobs, covering her face with her hands.
Rachel swallowed hard. She drew in a deep, stunned breath which hurt her ribs so much, she felt like
her body was on fire.
"You left me?" Rachel whispered, her voice cracking.
Quinn's shoulders heaved. "I'm sorry!" she cried out, anguished.
"You thought I cheated?" Rachel whispered.
It was the doubt that hurt. She was glad that Quinn walked away, actually. She was in so much pain--
the mere fact she was alive made her ache with regret. She wished she'd just died. Her faith in the
world and in herself were shattered.
She wouldn't wish this on anyone. She certainly wouldn't wish this on her girlfriend, so she was glad
Quinn walked away because Rachel was certain the same fate would have befallen Quinn. And if
Quinn had gotten hurt trying to protect her, if Quinn were hurt like this, if Quinn felt like this, Rachel
would just die. That would be the end of her. She was happy Quinn left, but the thought Quinn could
honestly believe she'd ever cheat on her-- that was the thing that hurt.
"Baby, I'm so sorry," Quinn apologized, wiping at her running nose.
It hurt so much because Quinn still looked so beautiful-- she was such a pretty crier. And Rachel felt
anything but pretty with a broken cheekbone and eye socket, with being so covered in bruises, welts
and cuts that she looked like a Dalmatian as imagined by Salvador Dali. Most of the time, she felt she
was anything but pretty. She knew infidelity wasn't about looks, but the first thing she thought when
Quinn said 'I thought you cheated' was 'but I'm not pretty enough to cheat on you.'
It just hurt too much. Quinn just looked too pretty and Rachel felt too ugly to be told 'I thought you
cheated.' She couldn't hear it right now.
"You thought I cheated?" Rachel whispered again, though this time a little louder.
"I'm sorry!" Quinn sobbed.
"Why would you think I cheated?!" Rachel cried.
"Baby," Quinn sobbed. "I'm so sorry! God, I'm so sorry!"
She could not handle this.
"Get out," Rachel muttered.
"Rachel, please. Please, no. No. Please. Let me stay. Rachel, please!"
"Get out," Rachel whispered.
"Please, no. Please, please no. No, please. Please, no, Rachel. Don't say that. Don't do this. Oh God.
No. No. Please--"
Rachel swallowed hard. "If you think I could be capable of cheating on you, then you don't know me at
all. So, just leave me alone and get out. Just leave me alone. God I wish I just died!"
Quinn fell to her knees by the bed, sobbing. "No! No don't say that! Please, no, no. Please, baby. Don't
say that! Let me stay, I promise I'll--"
"Go!"
Quinn reached for Rachel's hand and held onto it. "Please, please, please, no," Quinn pleaded.
"Please. No. Please. Baby--"
Rachel yanked her hand away, crying out when that caused her body to shift which made her world
turn white with pain.
"Get away from me," Rachel groaned through her pain.
"Please," Quinn whispered brokenly. "Please, don't do this. Please--"
"Get away from me, get away from me, get away from me," Rachel chanted, covering her ears with her
hands and closing her eyes. "Just leave me alone! Everyone just leave me alone!"
Rachel was dimly aware of a nurse coming in and pulling Quinn, still crying and begging, away. She
was distantly aware being told she would be sedated if she didn't calm down, but she couldn't stop
screaming "leave me alone" until the nurse made good on her threat and Rachel felt float-y, and her
head felt fuzzy.
--
It was quiet but for the sounds of beeping machine once Quinn was dragged away, though Quinn
continued to plead and cry as she was led away. Once she was gone and things were quiet, Rachel
closed her eyes and pretended she was flying away on a cloud to some distant land, never to come
back. Drugs could be so interesting, sometimes.
She fell asleep, into a heavy blissful sleep.
When she woke up again, it was Tuesday mid-morning and she was vaguely aware of her mother
sitting next to her bed, gazing at her. Rachel couldn't acknowledge her with anything more than a
barely coherent head nod, in which her head lolled around more than anything else.
Shelby took her hand. "Baby," she murmured. "The doctors think they're going to release you in a
Sunday as long as you stay stable. Your social worker said you're going to come home with me. That's
still okay with you, right?"
"I don't have a choice," Rachel muttered, her eyes rolling back. She tried to refocus her eyes. "Do you
want me?" she whispered.
"I've always wanted you," Shelby whispered back.
Rachel laughed bitterly. "Why do you lie to me?"
"I'm not lying to you, Rachel," Shelby said softly.
Rachel laughed softly. "You're sweet, Shelby," she murmured.
Shelby swallowed hard. "Rachel, baby. Oh, honey…"
Rachel's face scrunched up in frustration. The drugs the nurse gave her made her feel better, but her
head felt foggy and made her say things she would have ordinarily internalized. She felt vulnerable
and as much as she enjoyed the feeling of drifting away, she hated feeling this vulnerable in front of
Shelby.
Shelby gently stroked Rachel's forehead. "My sweet girl," she whispered. "Oh, baby," she crooned.
"It's all going to be okay, sweetheart."
Rachel sniffled and wiped at her eyes. It did not feel like things were going to be okay. She swallowed
hard when she thought about the way she'd screamed at Quinn.
"I want Quinn," Rachel whispered.
Shelby swallowed visibly. She felt useless. Rachel didn't want her, but she wanted Quinn. "Do you
want me to get her?"
Rachel stared. "She's still here?" she asked softly. She'd been so certain that Quinn would have just
left after being treated so terribly.
"I saw her earlier in the cafeteria. I'll get her if you want."
Rachel swallowed with difficulty. "Please," she managed to whisper.
Once her mother left, the tears came again. Rachel couldn't believe Quinn actually stayed.
It was a few minutes later Rachel heard the sound of the soft soles of ballet flats slapping into the hard
hospital floors, and then Quinn ran into the room, breathing hard and crying.
Quinn's chest heaved, though not from the exertion of running, but because she was crying so fiercely,
she was on the verge of hyperventilating. She was crying freely, tears pouring down her face. Her
entire face was red from crying and her eyes were red-rimmed and swollen.
She honestly looked awful, which Rachel thought was impossible.
They just stared at one another for a moment, before Quinn's shoulders heaved even harder and
Rachel could see that Quinn was on the verge of some sort of episode.
"Come here, baby," Rachel croaked softly, holding her arms out to Quinn.
Quinn's face trembled, but she practically ran to Rachel's bedside and threw herself across Rachel's
body.
Rachel released a loud groan of pain, unable to help herself as the impact jarred her entire body and
caused her world to explode in pain. Trying to take deep breaths to calm herself just made things
worse. Her ribs hurt, her stomach hurt, everything just hurt.
Quinn recoiled, horrified, hands clutching at her mouth. "God! I'm so sorry!"
"It's okay," Rachel whispered, when the pain began to subside.
Quinn swallowed hard, and stared at the floor, shame-faced. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Rachel repeated quietly.
"It's not okay. I hurt you."
"It's okay," Rachel said softly. "Come here," she murmured, holding her hand out for Quinn to take.
Quinn stepped forward hesitantly and then took Rachel's hand, gently. She sat down in the chair. Her
expression shattered. "I can't believe someone did this to you," she said, her voice wavering and then
cracking. Unconsciously, Quinn's eyes wandered down the length of Rachel's body, cataloguing the
injuries, large and small.
Rachel's eyes filled with tears. She couldn't believe it either. She knew she wasn't one of Lima's most
beloved residents, and she was well-aware there were plenty of people who wouldn't urinate on her if
she were on fire. But she couldn't believe that someone would hate her enough to do all this to her.
"I'm sorry," Rachel said. "For yelling at you."
"No," Quinn said. "No, no. Don't apologize. Please don't apologize to me when I--" her voice cracked.
"I may as well have done this to you myself," she whispered. "It's my fault. You should hate me."
"I couldn't hate you," Rachel said sincerely. "And this isn't your fault. You didn't do this to me. You--"
Rachel faltered. "I could understand where you were coming from. I-- I would have assumed the same
thing if the situations were reversed. And we both know I've cheated in the past, so it was hardly…out
of the realm of possibility."
"But you would have said something," Quinn whispered.
"Something hurtful that I would have regretted," Rachel pointed out. "You wanted to show restraint
because you loved me."
"Don't say that like it's in the past tense," Quinn said quietly.
Rachel swallowed visibly, and a vein in her neck twitched. "Because you love me," she amended
softly.
"I just left you there," Quinn said, anguished. "I left you! And then he took you and he--" Quinn trailed
off, unable to take anymore. "I'm so sorry!"
"I'm glad you left," Rachel whispered. "I think if you'd tried to intervene, we would both be here and I
couldn't live if something happened to you."
Quinn wiped at her cheeks and eyes. "I wish he'd done this to me instead of you."
"Don't say that!"
Quinn's face hardened and her eyes became flinty. "When they find him, I'm going to kill him," she
said, her voice steely. "I'll kill him and make him sorry first. I swear, Rachel. I'll make him suffer.
Everything he did to you, I'll give back to him a hundred times worse and--"
"Stop," Rachel cut off gently, squeezing Quinn's hand. "Stop," she repeated. "You aren't capable of
something like that."
Quinn's jaw clenched. "I'm going to find him and I'm going to destroy him."
"You aren't going to do anything," Rachel said. "The police are looking for him. Let them do their jobs."
Quinn visibly warred with her emotions, but she finally sighed quietly. "Can you think of anything else
about him that could help the police catch him?"
Rachel swallowed hard. The attack was mercifully blurred, but it came to her in bits and pieces, and
every time she thought of it, always unbidden, she broke out into a cold sweat. "No," she admitted. "I
told everything I could remember to the police."
Quinn sighed raggedly. "Baby," she whispered starkly. She didn't say anything else.
Rachel gave her a tiny smile. "I can't believe you didn't just go home. Thank you for staying."
"I couldn't have left," Quinn whispered.
--
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January 17th, 2012
Shelby came back into the room and though Rachel sensed some hostility between
Quinn and Shelby, she had to admit it was nice to know they both cared enough to stay with her.
Quinn's mother was apparently watching Beth. Rachel did not want to hear how that happened
because she was sure it entailed some kind of drama and she had enough drama for an entire lifetime.
--
The next few days were exactly like the others-- doctors checked on her to make sure her fractures
were healing properly, to ensure the incisions on her stomach were healing and not infected and to
check on her general well-being, She had a visit from a hospital psychologist and Rachel grimaced at
the word 'trauma' like it was something she was going to carry around forever rather than repress and
forget. She wished memory erasing like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind were real and
available to her.
She had visitors-- mostly the glee club, Mr. Schuester, Ms. Pillsbury and a few other teachers from
school. She was surprised she had a smattering of other non-glee related visitors from McKinley-- she
wasn't sure why those people cared. She was also surprised her fellow glee club members and Mr.
Schuester repeatedly tried to visit her over several days and visiting hour blocks considering they
never seemed to want to see her before. She thought they tried to visit as a cursory courtesy, some
sort of rule of etiquette, so she was shocked they would be so persistent.
She refused them all. They'd always been capable of crushing her spirits-- all of them, and she didn’t
need them to cheer her up now when she didn't want to be cheered up or consoled. The time when
she needed their friendship was before this happened to her, and she suspected most of them only
continued to try to visit her despite her constant refusals because they wanted something to gossip
about. She wasn't going to give them that.
Her dance teacher dropped by and Rachel wanted to see her, but Rachel just couldn't face her. She
was too humiliated. Madame Katerina seemed to understand, but she left behind a huge card signed
by all the little girls Rachel helped teach and presents they'd either made or purchased. The sight of
those little girls' optimistic handwriting and cheerful, heartfelt messages made Rachel tear up.
The police stopped by almost daily to give her an update. Generally there was nothing to report.
Rachel couldn't bring herself to be interested that the bed sheets in the fifth bedroom of the house had
her DNA-- blood, tears, sweat and other fluids all over it. There was a second set of DNA from skin
cells and fingerprints from her attacker, but no match to any databases. She'd been lucky enough that
he'd used condoms during his attack, though the hospital gave her antibiotics, Plan B and
antitretroviral medications just in case.
She'd seen enough crime procedurals to know that was standard operating procedure, so she was
listless about its implications. Interviews from the partygoers indicated no one saw anything which
didn't surprise her. Either people were choosing to protect her attacker rather than help her, which was
no surprise, or no one cared enough about her that she registered in their minds on the night in
question, which again, was no surprise to her.
She was not optimistic he would ever be found, which meant she would just have to live in terror for
the rest of her life. Since she was already afraid, Rachel didn't see how that would be very different
from what she already had.
She had intense intermittent nightmares. Most of the time, she was too doped up to really dream, but
they were weaning her off the medications and narcotics to get her ready for discharge and her
dreams were becoming more intense, vivid and memorable. Sleep used to be a refuge, but now she
was afraid she'd dream.
--
A few days later, as expected, she was discharged from the hospital.
Rachel glumly allowed herself to be wheeled out by Shelby. She wasn't keen on the idea of being
released to Shelby's authority, but she knew her choices were limited. She didn't understand why she
just couldn't go back to her house-- hadn't she proven she could take care of herself? But the law was
the law and despite the fact she was practically an adult, she knew she was at the mercy of legalities.
She was at the mercy of the world and she knew she had to just let herself get thrown around. She
was tired of fighting, trying and struggling. Look at where all that effort brought her. Rachel scoffed at
herself for believing she was special enough to have any true control of her life.
"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Shelby asked quietly, hearing the noise Rachel made.
"Fine," Rachel said through gritted teeth. She ran her tongue over her two broken teeth. Once her
facial fractures healed enough, she'd have to meet with an oral surgeon to fix her teeth. She wasn't
particularly enthralled with that prospect, and she wasn't sure she really cared to fix it. It made her self-
conscious only when she tried to smile at Quinn. But otherwise, Rachel didn't see the point. She wasn't
planning on spending a lot of time around other people.
"Are you sure?" Shelby pressed gently.
"Yes."
They were silent as Shelby helped Rachel into the car. The seatbelt hurt at the stitches on her
stomach so Rachel just left it off. She pictured the two of them getting into an accident on the way
back to Shelby's. Shelby would be fine, but Rachel saw herself hitting her face on the dashboard and
sailing through the windshield, onto the street where she would get hit by another oncoming car.
The curtains would close, the lights would shut off and the show would really be over.
The thought made her smile bitterly because at least that way, everything would be over. She found
herself hoping it would happen exactly like that.
She wasn't very comfortable on the car ride back to Shelby's condo-- every bump in the road was
agony. Her ribs hurt and the incision on her belly pulled every time Shelby hit a pebble in the street. By
the time they got to Shelby's, Rachel was gritting her teeth. Her skin was chalky pale and she was
sweating from the exertion of not screaming out in pain. She knew it wasn't Shelby's fault-- she'd
driven very gently and far below speed limit-- to the point other motorists honked angrily at them as
they passed
"I'm sorry, baby girl," Shelby whispered, helping Rachel out. "I know it hurts."
"It's okay," Rachel managed to choke out.
Shelby helped her inside.
Beth was with a sitter and came running toward the door when she heard it open. She caught sight of
Rachel and beamed.
"Rachel!" she ran toward Rachel, but stopped, frozen, when she was able to take in Rachel's
appearance.
Beth stared at Rachel, jaw open, eyes wide. Her lower lip began to quiver and then the child burst into
tears.
Rachel swallowed hard when she realized her appearance was scaring Beth.
"Baby Beth," Rachel said quietly, stepping forward. "Bethie, it's okay."
Beth recoiled, taking a few scrambling steps backward. She began to wail and held her arms out
toward Shelby who still had her arms around Rachel.
"Mommy," Beth sobbed. "Mommy!" she wailed.
"You should take care of her," Rachel said quietly, trying to pull away from Shelby.
"But--"
"You should take care of her," Rachel repeated.
Shelby reluctantly relinquished her hold on Rachel and walked to Beth, picking her up. Beth hid her
face away from Rachel by burying it into Shelby's neck. "No want," Beth sobbed, pointing toward
Rachel.
"Stop it," Shelby scolded firmly, clearly at the end of her rope. She was worn out. "Beth, stop crying
right now. That's Rachel."
Beth pulled her head back and stared at her mother. She looked bewildered by Shelby's tone and
immediately began crying harder.
Rachel felt awful. "Shelby, don't be mad at her."
Shelby met her eyes and Rachel could see Shelby felt terrible and guilty.
"I know," Shelby said quietly, her eyes were shiny with tears. She hugged Beth tightly. "I'm sorry,
baby," she murmured. "But it's just Rachel, baby. Okay? It's Rachel. You love Rachel. Rachel is your
sister."
Beth looked at Rachel and her tiny body shuddered. She stared at Rachel fearfully. "Rachel?" she
called out hesitantly.
Rachel took a few steps closer. "It's just me, Bethie," she said softly.
"Rachel," Beth repeated, eyes wide.
"Yes," Rachel murmured. She walked closer until she was standing next to Shelby. "It's just me,
Bethie."
Beth tentatively reached her hand out, and patted gently at Rachel's less damaged cheek.
"Beth, be careful," Shelby whispered.
"It's okay," Rachel said softly.
Beth looked terrified and her wide eyes were teary. "Rachel," she whimpered.
"Hi, Baby Beth," Rachel murmured. She reached out slowly and touched Beth's face. She leaned
forward and cautiously rubbed her nose against Beth's and made a growling noise, the way she did
when she played with Beth.
Beth's lips suddenly broke out into a relieved smile. "Rachel," she cried out happily. Her eyes became
wide and she suddenly looked distressed again. "Rachel hurt," Beth stated unhappily. "Rachel hurt,"
she repeated.
Rachel fought the urge to cry. "I'm okay, baby Beth."
Shelby passed Beth to the babysitter, an elderly woman who did an admirable job of not staring at
Rachel.
Shelby put her hand on Rachel's arm. "Your room is ready," she said. "It's not really decorated, but we
can do that later. The bed is comfortable." She hesitated. "I had a locksmith go to your house and
Quinn picked up some of your things." Her voice faltered. "The police were never able to find your
purse or its contents, so your keys were lost and…" Shelby swallowed hard. "I had him change the
locks, too. Just in case."
Rachel gave her a frail smile. "Thanks."
Rachel wondered where her purse and its contents went. She'd had her wallet, phone, iPod and keys
in there. There was nothing irreplaceable, but still. She knew Shelby called her credit card companies
and bank to freeze her accounts. The money she had available to her was mostly from her fathers'
savings and the thought someone would try to take her fathers' hard-earned money filled her with fury.
It wasn't about the money, it was the principle.
She let Shelby lead her to the guest bedroom and Rachel sat down on the bed, exhausted. She smiled
when she saw Mr. Monkey resting on a pillow with the sheets pulled up to his neck. Quinn must have
got him for her. Rachel picked him up and hugged him close to her chest. She couldn't remember how
old she was when she got him, just that he'd always seemed to have been there and he was a gift
from her fathers.
She recognized her duffel bag in the corner of the room.
"I put your clothes in the closets and drawers," Shelby said. "I hope you don't mind. There's not much,
we'll go back when you're better to get more things. We can take our time with it."
"Thank you," Rachel replied quietly.
What else could she say?
"Do you need anything? Do you want anything?" Shelby asked.
"I'm fine," Rachel responded. "Thank you. I think I'm just going to get some sleep."
"Okay," Shelby murmured. She hesitated for a moment before she bent down and kissed Rachel on
the forehead. "My sweet girl," Shelby whispered, once she pulled back. Her eyes were filled with
unshed tears. "You don't have to worry about anything. I'm going to take care of you."
Rachel laughed softly because she wanted to make Shelby feel at ease, but in truth, she couldn't
imagine a time when she'd ever feel like genuinely laughing again. "Thank you," she repeated.
--
She'd had nightmares while in the hospital, but she'd been so sedated and drugged, that once she
woke up, the dreams slipped away from her immediately.
The painkillers and antibiotics she was prescribed were strong, but nowhere near hospital-narcotic
grade.
She woke up multiple times that night, screaming and struggling. Her first dream was of being pinned
down by a man with shaggy blond hair. At first, in her dream, she believed it was Quinn, but then the
smell of his cologne hit her. It was a pleasant enough cologne, she probably would have liked it if she
smelled it in a department store. But it was overpowering, as if he'd bathed in it and then doused
himself again. He was sweating profusely. The grip he had on her wrists was harsh and she struggled
to free herself because no one she'd ever loved had ever held her like that. She struggled beneath
him, but she couldn't move much. She was just so out of it. And then she felt him thrust into her.
She woke up screaming, and the smell of him, the feel of him, the touch of him was all over her. She
could remember the feel of sheets on her back and then the feel of her face pressing into a pillow case
as he turned her over so he could violate her again. She remembered the feeling of utter confusion
and helplessness. She was so out of it, she didn't even know what was going on--but that was what
made everything so much more terrifying. It was only after-the-fact, when she was told what happened
to her that the pieces began to fit and the flashes and images she had of the night made sense.
Rachel gagged at the memories. She needed to vomit. She tried to roll out of bed to throw up, but
ended up falling to the ground, landing hard on her knees. She screamed again as pain from her ribs,
the surgical incision on her stomach and every bruise and welt on her body hit her at once. She threw
up on the floor and was hunched over on all fours, her chest heaving, her body aching. She hurt
She was crying when the bedroom door opened and Shelby came inside.
"Oh, baby," Shelby whispered.
"I'm sorry," Rachel managed to croak out, sobbing. "I'm so sorry."
"Honey, it's okay," Shelby murmured soothingly, she smoothed back Rachel's hair. "Let's get you to
the bathroom, okay?"
"Okay," Rachel murmured.
Shelby helped Rachel into the bathroom. Rachel brushed her teeth and got a cold washcloth to rub
across her face.
"I'm sorry," Rachel said, shame-faced. She couldn't meet Shelby's eyes. "I'll clean it up right away."
"Shh," Shelby soothed. She led Rachel to the master bedroom. "Lay down," she said, leading Rachel
to her bed.
"But I should go clean it up and--"
"I'll clean it up," Shelby murmured. "Rachel, I have a toddler. I'm used to cleaning up vomit. Just try to
sleep in my bed, okay?"
"But--"
"Just try to go to sleep, honey."
Rachel gave up trying to protest. And anyway, cleaning up vomit, even her own, wasn't something she
really wanted to do.
She was sitting in Shelby's bed, watching TV, when Shelby returned.
"I'm sorry," Rachel greeted weakly.
Shelby smiled. "Honey, it's not the first time I've had to clean up. Please stop apologizing."
Shelby was just glad she had hardwood floors. It'd been simple enough to clean. She'd changed
Rachel's sheets as well, because she'd suspected and was later proven correct, that the sheets were
drenched in sweat.
Shelby gingerly sat on the bed next to Rachel. "Are you okay, honey?"
Rachel nodded meekly. "I'm fine," she said. She started to get out of Shelby's bed. "I'll just go back
and--"
"Why don't you stay, we'll watch something on TV," Shelby offered. She rubbed Rachel's back. "Or
maybe we can watch Funny Girl."
Rachel swallowed audibly. She didn't want to be alone right now, but Shelby wasn't who she wanted to
be with. She wished she had her fathers.
"Okay," Rachel acquiesced because something was better than nothing.
--
For the first time in her life, Rachel fell asleep watching Funny Girl.
She woke up screaming, this time, dreaming of being stuck in a burning car while her fathers
screamed and burned with her. It was a dream she had regularly, but it was the first time in a very long
time that it inspired such terror in her.
She sobbed and clung to Shelby while Shelby hugged her and soothed her the best she could.
--
She fell into a mercifully dreamless sleep, but awoke a couple hours later. Shelby was still asleep next
to her, and Rachel quietly slipped out of the bed. She went back to the guest room-- she could not
think of it as her bedroom and looked around for anything to read, but found nothing. She turned on
the TV and restlessly channel surfed, but nothing piqued her interest. Finally, she settled for exploring
her new (temporary) home. She was familiar with it, of course. She'd already been given a tour when
she and Quinn started visiting Beth, but now she looked around as an occupant, not a visitor.
She explored for about an hour, but then she was back at square one.
She was exhausted, but afraid to sleep.
She found a particularly thick book-- Infinite Jest on one of Shelby's shelves in the living room and
started reading it. It wasn't her type of book at all, but it was huge and Rachel needed the distraction.
She was still reading it when Shelby came into her room an hour later to check on her, and then a few
hours after that when Shelby returned to announce breakfast was ready.
It was a school day, but Rachel wasn't cleared to go back to school yet. She had no intention of ever
going back to McKinley now that everyone knew what happened to her.
"I'm not really hungry," Rachel said, quietly declining the offer of breakfast.
"You have to eat, honey," Shelby said. "You already lost eight pounds in the hospital and--"
"It hurts to chew," Rachel said quietly, pointing toward her cheek. "Please don't make me." She didn't
have stitches in her lips anymore, but it still hurt to eat.
Shelby looked distraught for a moment. "Okay," she said, recovering. "I'll make some soup or
something, okay?"
"Okay," Rachel said quietly.
--
She was still in her room, reading when her new social worker dropped in a few hours later. Jeanie
was apparently just the social worker who got the ball rolling with Court. Rachel thought that was
strangely fitting-- a total stranger coming into her life, ripping it apart and then leaving.
This new girl-- Ashley something, was going to be her new worker.
Ashley was totally green. She barely looked older than Rachel herself and Rachel caught Ashley just
staring at her, looking a little horrified by all the damage.
Still, she recovered pretty well, and Rachel and Shelby sat down with her to go over some forms.
"So, um… there are a few home-based counseling services that are available to you," Ashley said.
"And of course, um, there's no cost to you. It's covered through the public insurance program we have
in place for our foster youth."
"What if I put her under my insurance?" Shelby asked quietly. "I'd rather she be on my insurance than
any kind of public assistance program."
Ashley smiled apologetically. "You can't. She's not legally your daughter. She's our dependent and all
our dependents are covered through our insurance. And besides, these home-based counseling
programs don't accept private insurance, so--"
"I'd rather not be in therapy," Rachel said quietly. "I'm fine."
Shelby opened her mouth to interject. "Honey, you need to--"
"I don't want it," Rachel objected.
"You had nightmares all night," Shelby pointed out gently. "And you had them in the hospital, too. I
think...I think it'd be really good for you to--"
"I don't want it," Rachel said softly. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Rachel," Ashley said gently. "Please just try it. What happened to you was--"
"Awful," Rachel interjected. "But it happened and I'm over it. I'm not dwelling on it," she lied. "I'm
moving on. I can deal with it on my own."
Ashley looked torn. "I'm just going to leave the consent forms with you guys. Why don't you just think
about it?"
"Fine."
They chatted for a bit longer, Rachel staying mostly because she wanted to be polite and amiable and
not come across like she needed anything other than rest.
Afterward, she went back to her room and tried to get as comfortable as she could. She was tired, but
she didn't want to sleep. She wanted to be left alone.
--
Quinn came by after school and Rachel was happy to see her. Quinn kissed her forehead and they
played with Beth together for a while before they sequestered themselves in Rachel's new room.
"How was your first night here?" Quinn asked quietly. "I'm sorry I couldn't come over last night. My
mom wouldn't let me. She said I needed to give you and Shelby…space."
Quinn made a face as if she'd smelled something terrible and Rachel laughed genuinely for the first
time in a week. Her girlfriend was adorable.
"It was okay," Rachel said.
"Did Jeanie come by? She said she was going to come over to make sure everything was okay with
you and your mom, right?"
"No."
Quinn waited for Rachel to elaborate, but Rachel didn't. "No to which part?"
"Both."
Quinn swallowed hard. "Do you want me to call Jeanie? I don't want you to be here and not have
someone check in. I mean, I feel like you're being thrown to the wolves."
"Um, I got a new social worker."
"Wait. What happened to Jeanie?"
"She just gets things started. Ashley is going to be my regular social worker from now on. I met her
today. Everything's fine."
"Was she nice?"
Rachel shrugged lethargically.
Quinn bit her lower lip, looking as though she would start bawling at any moment. "Um, at the hospital,
they were talking about therapy for you…"
"Ashley wants me to agree to have some therapist come here to work with me."
Quinn swallowed visibly. "That…sounds like a good idea."
"I don't want to," Rachel said quietly. "I think it's unnecessary."
"I think it might be good for you," Quinn murmured. "You--" she trailed off. "You should talk about it
with someone. A professional."
"I don't want to," Rachel repeated softly.
"Please," Quinn said softly. "Please just try it. It couldn't hurt."
Everything hurt. Rachel was extremely dubious that talking about it and keeping the pain fresh as a
consequence would make things hurt less. But Quinn looked at her so worriedly and pleadingly.
Rachel couldn't bring herself to fight or protest. She'd go along with whatever everyone else wanted
from her because it was too exhausting to do otherwise. And anyway, she didn't want to disappoint
Quinn or deny Quinn anything she wanted from her. She didn't really want to talk anymore either-- she
had nothing to say and it hurt to talk anyway. She decided it was just better to give up. Maybe she'd
have to adopt that as her life's philosophy now. It certainly seemed to be more true than 'whatever
doesn't kill me can't be that bad, or else I'd be dead.'
"Okay," Rachel acquiesced softly. "Fine. I will."
Quinn looked so relieved and Rachel smiled reflexively, even though it hurt to do so, because it was
such a small concession, but it made Quinn so happy.
--
A few hours later, Mike Chang came over while she and Quinn were watching a rerun of 'The Witches
of Waverly Place' because 1) Rachel suspected that Quinn harbored a secret crush on Selena Gomez
and 2) the only other programming that was even remotely interesting were 'Law and Order' franchise
reruns, and Rachel simply could not handle watching any of those.
Rachel's initial instinct was to send him away, the way she had sent everyone away when they tried to
visit her in the hospital. But she didn't want to hurt him, because of everyone in glee club, Mike was the
only one who'd never said anything unkind to her, and had always, in fact, been nothing but sweet.
While others like Finn and Noah, and really, even Quinn, had been reluctant to acknowledge her even
when they were friends, if other people were around, Mike had always acknowledged their quasi-
friendship. He was the only person who'd always smiled and greeted her every time they'd passed
each other. Plus, he'd always carried his own weight in glee, singing even when he knew he wasn't
very good-- he always tried and Rachel liked that about him. His efforts were clearly paying off
because he was becoming a much better singer than when he first joined glee.
He'd always treated her with the utmost decency, and while Rachel didn't think she owed anyone
anything anymore, she did feel like she owed Mike for always being kind to her.
So, she and Quinn left the bedroom to greet him. The bedroom was her safe haven, and she didn't feel
quite ready to introduce anyone into it other than Quinn.
Mike was holding two thermoses when she and Quinn walked into the living room.
His face broke out into a relieved smile. "Hi," he greeted quietly, walking over to her. He gingerly gave
her a delicate hug and kissed the top of her head. "Thanks for seeing me."
Rachel's eyes welled up at the gentle tone. "Thanks for coming over," she said hoarsely.
He sniffled. "My mom made rice congee for you. One is vegetarian because I forgot to tell her you
were vegan and the other is made with chicken broth. But my mom said to bring both over because
you'll need the protein." His voice wavered. "My mom chopped the chicken up really tiny because my
dad said it would be hard for you to chew and he would know because he's a doctor…"
She swallowed hard. "Thank you," she said softly. She hugged him again. "Thank you so much. Tell
your mom I loved it."
"I will." He passed the thermoses to Shelby who came in to take them.
Shelby left again to give them privacy.
His eyes teared up. "Rach," he said hoarsely. "I can't believe someone did this to you," he said quietly,
his voice cracking.
Her eyes welled up, too. Out of the corner of her eye, Rachel could see that Quinn looked like she
wanted to cry as well. "I know," Rachel said quietly.
Mike took her hand, his eyes widening when he saw the bruising around her wrists. It'd diminished in
the week she spent in the hospital, but it was still present and fairly glaring. Quinn's uncle called it
'severe hematoma' "I'm sorry," he said, his voice wavering. "I--I should have looked after you."
Her eyes widened and she pulled her hand away to touch his face. "Mike, it wasn't your fault! It wasn't
anyone's fault, really."
His face hardened. "Except for the person who did this."
"Yes," she agreed, sniffling.
"We were playing Rock Band," he said softly. "You won and you were going to get a victory iced tea,"
he murmured. "But you never came back and I just…I didn't even think about it. I thought you just got
sidetracked," he looked down at the floor guiltily. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I should have looked for you."
She shook her head. "No," she said strongly. "No, don't apologize. Please. I probably did get
sidetracked. It wasn't your fault."
He shook his head, emphatically. "No. When you didn't come back, Puckerman and I should have
looked for you. But we didn't." His voice trembled. "I'm sorry, Rach."
"Please don't apologize," Rachel repeated. "Quinn and I are watching 'The Witches of Waverly Place.'
Would you like to come to my bedroom and watch with us?"
He smiled tremulously. "Okay," he said. He paused. "Selena Gomez is hot."
"Right?" Rachel and Quinn asked together in exactly the same way.
They looked at one another and exchanged sheepish smiles. Mike looked from Rachel to Quinn and
back again to Rachel and smiled
"So, you two…" he began, before trailing off.
Rachel shrugged and looked at Quinn. Their friendship was known, but their romantic relationship was
more of an open secret. They never announced or admitted to anything, and no one ever asked, but
she'd caught people looking at them over the past few months. Still, she knew Quinn may not want to
make their romantic relationship public knowledge, and she would defer to whatever Quinn wanted.
Quinn smiled and took Rachel's hand. "Yeah," she confirmed softly.
Rachel smiled faintly. "Yes."
Mike grinned at them both. "Cool."
--
They watched a few more things on the Disney line-up before Mike apologetically excused himself,
saying "if I'm not in my room doing homework by the time my dad gets home, he sends out a search
party."
Rachel smiled. "Come back tomorrow?" she asked hopefully.
He smiled back. "Sure, Rachel."
Rachel had Mike's mother's rice congee that night when she was left alone with Beth and Shelby. She
tried both the vegetarian and the chicken versions. They both tasted amazing and were so easy to eat.
Rachel used Shelby's landline to call Quinn (the only phone number she had memorized) to get Tina's
phone number to get Mike's phone number. Rachel called Mike to thank him profusely. She spoke to
his mother as well to thank her personally and Rachel wanted to cry when Mrs. Chang told her, "I'll
make sure Michael brings a pot a day if you promise to eat it."
It turned out to be unnecessary though, because Shelby got the phone from her and got Mrs. Chang's
recipe. But Mrs. Chang promised to send more over with Mike the next day anyway.
Quinn came back to stay with her and Beth while Shelby went to the grocery store to buy ingredients.
Shelby set to work right away after she came back from the store-- Rachel and Quinn could both hear
Shelby cursing as she tried to make rice congee for the first time. They shared a laugh and Rachel felt
not so hopeless.
Quinn stayed until Rachel fell asleep.
--
The nightmares continued that night. She wanted to find the man who did this to her. She wanted to
tell him how he'd ruined her-- not just physically or sexually, but just her sense of safety in the world.
Her screaming awoke Beth this time and Shelby had to deal with two sobbing daughters.
It hurt so much and Rachel felt hopeless all over again.
Shelby tried to sooth her, and Rachel appreciated the effort, but she just didn't know how she was
expected to live like this. She wished her fathers were alive because she was certain they would know
how to make her feel better.
"Thank-you," Rachel said hoarsely, pulling away from Shelby. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Shelby whispered. "It's okay, baby. It's going to be okay."
Rachel wiped at her eyes. "I'm okay, thank you," she whispered. "Please go back to bed."
Shelby looked torn. "But--"
"I just…I really need to be alone," Rachel whispered. "I need to be in a bed alone"
Shelby swallowed hard and scrambled out of the bed immediately. "Okay, honey," she whispered. "I'm
sorry, sweetheart. I'll come back and check on you in a couple hours, okay?"
"Thank you," Rachel whispered.
Shelby left and Rachel turned on the TV in the bedroom. She flipped restlessly through the channels,
but found nothing that interested her. She fell asleep again and once again woke up due to
nightmares. She shut her eyes once Shelby left again and draped the back of her hand over her
forehead.
She couldn't live like this. She refused to live like this.
mjacton
2012-01-18 08:20 pm (local)
Okay, you've got me okay with the Rachel/Mike/Quinn thing. He was so good to Rachel. I'm not really
surprised by that, but I guess I needed to see it here to really get it. I'm sure by the time the real
relationship happens, I'm sure I'll be fine with it...not that it really matters.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:34 am (local)
I just wanted to try a Mike/Quinn/Rachel. But I'm actually fairly traditional. Probably my next story,
I'll go back to regular ol' two-people relationships
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sulkygeekff
January 17th, 2012
Rachel's first week at Shelby's was monotonous. The only thing breaking up the
monotony was Quinn and Mike's daily visits. Rachel couldn't say the visits excited her-- she just
couldn't seem to muster up the energy about much. But they did brighten her days.
The lowest point of that first week was the third day when she realized it hurt too much to shower on
her own or bathe herself and so Shelby had to help her. Rachel was accustomed to self-sufficiency.
No one had done anything for her in a long time and to have Shelby help her with something so basic
was humiliating.
By the time they were done, they were both crying. But Rachel had to admit, it was nice to feel clean
again, though maybe not truly clean.
The second week of her stay at Shelby's was Spring Break at McKinley. Rachel was glad she wasn't
missing too much school, but she had no intention of going back to McKinley, so she wasn't sure why
she cared.
Rachel had a follow-up appointment with the doctors that Monday. Shelby left Beth with the babysitter,
Mrs. Hutchinson, and took Rachel to the hospital.
"You're healing beautifully," Dr. Landry told her as he examined her face. He smiled kindly at her. "No
one will ever know anything happened to this exquisite face." He smiled again and patted her
shoulder. "How are you feeling?"
Rachel shrugged listlessly. "Fine."
"You're doing great, kiddo," he said effusively. He smiled at Shelby. "Mom, you're doing a great job
taking care of her."
Shelby smiled. "Thank you."
"Ms. Corcoran, do you think I may speak with you in private? Rachel, why don't you wait outside?"
Rachel shrugged again and left the examination room and sat in one of the chairs in the waiting area.
Her ankle was still fractured, but it'd been a minor break and she could walk on it, though with difficulty.
It was harder to get around using crutches because of her ribs and she would not suffer through the
humiliation of being in a wheelchair. It's not like she broke her legs or her hip or anything. She could
tough it out.
Despite the fact that Dr. Landry and Shelby spoke in very low volumes, Rachel could hear bits and
pieces of the conversation, the most standout words being "posttraumatic stress disorder" and
"depressed presentation."
Rachel wanted to laugh. She didn't have PTSD and she wasn't at risk for depression. She just didn't
care anymore and there was a huge difference, at least in Rachel's mind.
Shelby came out of the examination room teary-eyed, but she gave Rachel a big smile.
"Come on, baby," she said gently. "Let's get to your next appointment."
--
Her doctor checked the incision and she was healing well. Another doctor checked her ribs and her
fractured ankle. Her ribs and ankle were mending well, too. Apparently she was a fast healer
"You're a pretty strong kid," a nurse told her with a big smile.
Rachel smiled back out of politeness, but she didn't feel very strong.
They stopped by the ER to say hello to Quinn's uncle, Henry-- Shelby's idea. Rachel knew he'd saved
her life-- he'd actually been the one to perform the surgery on her stomach, before they realized they
had Quinn in common. He couldn't touch her as a patient now, but he still cared enough to have
checked in on her at least once a day while she'd been in the hospital. She knew he saved her life, but
she couldn't help wish she'd died by the side of the road. Left alone for a few hours, the internal
bleeding in her stomach would have killed her. Apparently it would have taken another day or two for
the ruptured bowel to have killed her if it'd been untreated.
She wished nature would have just taken its course. She'd already escaped death twice now-- first
with fathers and now with her current situation. She shouldn't be alive.
By the time they were finished with her appointments, Rachel was exhausted and had a headache.
She fell asleep in the car ride home, though it wasn't a deep sleep. She woke up because she swore
she smelled him and panicked when she realized she was in a moving car. She woke up thrashing
and crying, panicked that she was going to be assaulted and thrown from a moving car onto the
highway and have to crawl onto the shoulder of the road, only to realize it'd already happened and she
was just with her mother.
She gasped for air as she tried to regain her bearings. She cried as she realized this could potentially
be what the rest of her life would be like. She desperately wanted to believe it couldn't be that bad, or
else she'd be dead, but it was so hard.
Shelby pulled over to the side of the road and put her hands out. She hesitated and drew her hands
back, uncertain if she should touch Rachel, but seeing the way Rachel cried and tried to catch her
breath, she couldn't sit back and do nothing. Shelby gently took Rachel by the shoulders. "Baby,"
Shelby said, sounding like she was going to cry as well. "Baby, it's okay. It's just me, sweetheart."
Rachel wiped at her eyes and wondered when she would stop being afraid of such banal things as
waking up from a nap during a car ride. .
"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered, crying as she wiped at her eyes. She couldn't seem to stop the flow of
tears. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, sweetheart," Shelby whispered back.
"I have to throw up," Rachel mumbled. She opened the door and scrambled out, landing on her knees
as she heaved out the contents of her stomach on the sidewalk. People stopped to stare, point and
whisper.
Shelby got out of the car and glared at the bystanders. "You've never seen a sick child?" she
demanded belligerently. "Stop staring at my daughter!" She crouched down and pulled Rachel's hair
back. "It's okay, baby," she soothed, rubbing Rachel's back. "It's okay." She kissed Rachel's temple.
"It's okay, sweetheart."
Rachel continued to heave. She rubbed at her nose because it was like the smell of that man's was
inside of her. She couldn't get rid of it. The memory of that smell even overpowered the acrid smell of
her vomit.
She felt bad for throwing up on the street, in front of the Lima Bean and other shops.
"I'll clean it up," Rachel muttered, in tears. "I'm sure the Lima Bean will give me a bucket and sponge
and--"
"You're not cleaning anything up," Shelby said, hugging her. "Are you okay? Can you stand up?"
Rachel nodded weakly, exhausted.
"Okay, let's go," Shelby whispered, helping her up.
Rachel groaned, because the movement hurt, but she managed to get up.
She was getting into the car when she heard her name being shouted.
"Rachel!"
Rachel turned around and saw Kurt, Blaine, Finn and Mercedes running toward her, coming from
inside the Lima Bean.
They were in front of her before she could get into the car. They all stared at her for a moment, clearly
horrified as they saw the damage done to her for themselves-- damage that had time to actually heal,
so they could only imagine who much worse it'd been when it first happened.
"Rachel!" Finn exclaimed, moving toward her, his arms already reaching out as if to engulf her into a
bear hug.
Blaine reached out and grabbed Finn by the back of the shirt, pulling him back. Finn cast him a dirty
look.
"Don't touch her," Blaine said. "Can't you see she's still hurt?"
A muscle in Finn's cheek twitched. "I'm sorry," he whispered sorrowfully to her. "I wasn't thinking,"
Rachel shrugged listlessly. The sadness in his face made her want to reach out to him, but she just
couldn't.
"How have you been?" Kurt asked, his eyes brimming with tears. He looked so distraught that Rachel
found it difficult to look at him. "You haven't responded to my texts and your phone is always off and--"
"I don't know where my phone is," Rachel interrupted flatly.
"You wouldn't see any of us," Kurt finished quietly.
Rachel shrugged.
"We're just worried about you," Mercedes said softly.
Rachel shrugged again.
"Maybe we could come over," Mercedes suggested. "We…we…heard about your dads from Mr.
Schuester. We…"
"Please stop," Rachel interrupted, her hackles rising at the mention of her fathers. "Please, just stop."
"We just care about you," Mercedes said quietly. "That's all."
"Really?" Rachel asked dully, her face and voice without any true emotion. "Because I don't recall you
ever indicating you cared for me at all, Mercedes. Although you seem to think that everyone is too
afraid to hurt my feelings, and though I find that absolutely laughable considering I feel no one is afraid
to hurt my feelings, I think now should be the time you stop trying to spare my feelings and just admit
the only reason any of you want to talk to me or see me is so you can satisfy your curiosity, not
because you actually care. If you think everyone is so concerned about my feelings, why don't you
have the distinction of not caring at all? All you would have to do is treat me as you've always treated
me to accomplish that."
Rachel's tone was dull and monotonous and entirely without heat, but it was the most vicious thing any
of them had ever heard her utter and it left all of them speechless and staring.
Rachel went on. "You should be glad, Mercedes, because now other people in glee can have a
chance to shine. Particularly you. So why don't you tell me why you care about me now?"
Mercedes swallowed hard. "We're friends, Rachel," she said quietly.
Rachel shook her head. "No, we're not," she said. She sounded and looked exhausted. "We're not
friends. None of us are friends."
Kurt blinked back tears. "Rachel," he said quietly. "I think we should talk and--"
Rachel shook her head. "We were barely even friends anymore after Finn and I broke up. I don't know
why you're so upset."
"We're not friends anymore?" Finn asked softly, his voice shaking. "I know it's been weird since we
broke up, but I thought we were at least still friends and--"
"I just want you all to leave me alone. All I ever wanted was for people to leave me alone. If they
couldn't be my friends, all I wanted is for them to leave me alone. But they had to go after me. All of
you…" she paused when she looked at Blaine, because really, he'd always been nice to her, but he'd
dumped her as friend out of loyalty to Kurt who was only being loyal to Finn and she just wanted to be
important to someone enough to be loyal to her, to think of her. "All of you have gone after me for one
reason or another and I've never done anything to any of you. So now I don't want your friendship. I
just want you to leave me alone. All of you. Everyone."
Rachel got back into the car, leaving her four former glee club members in shock, and shut the door.
She tilted her head back and closed her eyes, and waited for her mother to get back inside.
"Are you okay?" Shelby asked quietly once she got inside her vehicle.
"Fine."
"Honey, if you ever want to talk about--"
"No, thank you, Shelby."
By the time Rachel and Shelby returned to the condo, Quinn was there, waiting outside of it.
"Hi," Quinn said anxiously. "How were your appointments?"
"Clean bill of health," Rachel said flatly. "I need to go brush my teeth," she said, pushing past both
Shelby and Quinn as she went inside.
"She threw up on the ride back," Shelby explained quietly when Quinn looked at her questioningly.
--
By the time Rachel got out of the bathroom and into her room, Quinn was sitting on the bed, playing
with Beth.
"How are you feeling?" Quinn asked quietly.
"Fine."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Do you need anything?"
"No."
"What do you want to watch?"
Rachel shrugged.
Quinn bit her lip and turned the TV to the Disney channel so Beth could watch, too.
Beth cuddled up to Quinn. Beth seemed less afraid of Rachel the more she healed up. This time, Beth
hesitantly moved away from Quinn toward Rachel.
Beth touched Rachel's cheek. "Rachel still hurt."
Rachel tried not to cry. "I'm okay, Bethie," she reassured quietly.
Beth moved her small hand across Rachel's face. "Rachel don't cry no more," she said, clearly
distressed.
Rachel's lip quivered. "I'm not crying, Bethie."
"Rachel sad," Beth said, visibly upset.
Quinn looked like she was on the verge of tears and Rachel forced herself not to cry. Lately, the only
person that made her feel anything was Beth.
"Rachel happy playing with Beth," Rachel murmured, reaching out to tweak Beth's nose. She leaned
forward and pressed her nose to Beth's and widened her eyes to make a silly face.
This seemed to appease Beth slightly. She settled between Quinn and Rachel watching Disney shows
until Mike came over a couple hours later with an entire pot of rice congee for Rachel.
She ate a small bowl to appease Mike, Quinn and Shelby, but she didn't really feel like eating.
Quinn stayed with her until she fell asleep, but when Rachel once again woke up screaming from
twinning nightmares-- stuck in a burning car with her fathers, stuck underneath a man she did not
know while he used her as a human toilet and punching bag, she'd had enough. She knew something
had to change.
She awoke with Shelby gently holding her in an attempt to be soothing and comforting.
Rachel did find it comforting to have Shelby there. She'd lived alone for three years, and it was strange
getting accustomed to living with people again. When she used to live alone and have nightmares
about burning to death with her fathers, waking up alone was lonely and difficult. At least waking up
with Shelby there made her feel not quite as alone and it was not quite as frightening. She didn't feel
safe anywhere, but she had to admit she felt safer being with Shelby than she would have alone.
Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing CPS got involved and placed her with Shelby.
She knew Shelby was trying her best to make her feel at home-- Shelby even moved some of the
furniture from her fathers' house into the condo so Rachel would feel more comfortable. And Shelby
retrieved some photographs of Rachel from when she was growing up and placed them around the
house in an effort to make Rachel feel like a member of the family.
But no matter what, Shelby was still more or less and stranger.
She couldn't fall asleep with Shelby there, no matter how afraid she was to be alone, so after a certain
amount of time passed, she quietly asked if she could be left alone and Shelby mercifully complied.
Once she knew Shelby was asleep again, Rachel got out of bed and limped toward the kitchen. She
opened the junk drawer, found a roll of duct tape and took it into her bedroom. She peeled off a strip
and placed it over her mouth and got into bed.
She fell asleep but woke up a few hours later, screaming silently, her cries muffled by the duct tape.
Once she caught her bearings, she gingerly pulled the tape off her lips. She didn't care what duct tape
would do to her skin-- at least her plan worked and Shelby and Beth could get decent night of sleep
again.
Quinn came over again the next morning and Mike came over around lunch time. They played
Scrabble, and Rachel found herself unable to care that she came in third place.
Her new therapist, Carrie, came around 4pm, for an intake session and Mike and Quinn left together,
promising to return in an hour once her session was done.
Carrie seemed very nice, but Rachel was unenthusiastic and could barely muster the energy to give
responses that were more verbal than one-worded answers.
The session was excruciatingly long-- fifty minutes never felt so eternal. But she'd promised Quinn she
would do this, and she intended to fulfill her promises.
Apparently, she freaked out her therapist enough that it was decided she'd need therapy twice a week
rather than just once. Carrie went on about PTSD and Major Depression as co-occurring disorders, but
Rachel just heard wah wah wah wah like Carrie was an adult in a Charlie Brown movie.
--
She spent the rest of the Spring Break much the same way. Quinn and Mike visited every day and
Rachel thought that having them visit was way more beneficial than two hours of therapy a week. She
taped her mouth shut every night and woke up silently screaming a few hours later.
Each morning after that, Shelby greeted her with a relieved, happy, "you slept through the night, did
you sleep okay?" Rachel responded with a tiny smile. Shelby would smile back and Rachel would see
some of the worry fade from Shelby's eyes. This made her feel infinitesimally better.
--
She didn't know how to stop feeling like this. She knew she was lucky-- her rapist didn't impregnate her
or give her any diseases. She was still alive and considering what happened to her, her injuries
weren't life-threatening anymore. She was healing-- rapidly. Another week, and she'd be cleared to go
back to school. She knew she was lucky. And she didn't have to go into foster care-- she was placed
with her biological mother who was bending over backwards for her. She had Quinn who was the
sweetest, most supportive girlfriend, ever. She was lucky, but she didn't feel lucky. She knew she had
a second chance in life and that she owed it to the fathers who loved her to make something of herself.
But she didn't want to anymore.
She didn't know how to turn this feeling off. This terrible feeling that made her feel like she was
constantly under water, drowning. She didn't know how to stop feeling this empty.
--
McKinley went back into session after Spring Break, but Rachel wasn't cleared to go back to school for
another week. She was mostly healed up-- by the end of that week, her ribs would be healing, and the
stomach incision would heal up to a puckered scab. Her ankle cast would be on for another few
weeks, but she could walk on it. Her bruises, cuts and welts had mostly faded, too. She still needed to
get her broken teeth fixed and her facial fractures were still healing, but she looked much better than
she had at the beginning of the month. She was even able to shower on her own without it being
excruciating.
Quinn was visiting her one day after school during the first week back from Spring Break when the
blonde spoke, almost hesitantly.
"Baby?" she said quietly. "Um, Santana and Brittany were asking about you."
Rachel shrugged.
"They'd like to see you."
Rachel shrugged again.
"Do you think they could come over for a while sometime?"
Rachel shrugged a third time.
Quinn swallowed hard. "Baby," she breathed. "Please. I need…I need you to talk."
Rachel smiled bitterly. "No one's ever said that to me before."
Quinn looked like she'd been slapped. She blinked and swallowed with difficulty. "I miss the sound of
your voice," she said quietly. "You hardly ever talk anymore."
Rachel shrugged.
Quinn winced. "That's what I mean," she said softly.
Rachel shut her eyes. "I don't have anything to say," she whispered.
Quinn looked like she wanted to cry. "Baby, say anything. Please."
Rachel shook her head. "I don't have anything to say," she repeated, trying but failing to push back
tears. Quinn reached out and wiped at her eyes. "He stole my voice," she whispered starkly.
Quinn's face trembled. "I'm so sorry, baby," Quinn said, her voice breaking. "I never should have left
you there. This...this is all my fault," she said, her voice cracking. "I'm so sorry."
Rachel looked at her girlfriend, and it was like seeing Quinn for the first time. Quinn had always been
thin, but she was the thinnest Rachel had ever seen her. Quinn had always been pale with that
peaches and cream complexion, but now she was almost ghostly. She looked haggard and tired and
Rachel felt guilty because she knew it was all because of her.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Rachel assured quietly. "Please, Quinn. You can't blame yourself."
Quinn swallowed visibly. "Baby, please. I need you to talk more," she pleaded.
"I don't know what to say," Rachel said, her voice cracking. "I just...there's nothing left," she said,
tiredly.
"Tell me about your day," Quinn requested softly.
Rachel sighed. "What's there to tell? I stayed here all day, Quinn."
Quinn swallowed hard. "What time did you get up today?"
"Five."
"How did you sleep?"
Rachel looked away. "Okay."
"Shelby said you've been sleeping better."
"Yeah."
"What did you have for breakfast this morning?"
"Oatmeal." Rachel swallowed hard, at the crestfallen look on Quinn's face. "Oatmeal with almond
milk," she amended. "And um, sliced bananas. What did you have?"
"That-- that sounds good," Quinn said. "I had um, bacon and eggs."
Rachel smiled fondly. "You and bacon."
Quinn smiled back. "You know I think it's weird you won't eat something that is so delicious."
"I'll make you some bacon popcorn again soon."
Quinn smiled. "I'd love that," she whispered. She stroked Rachel's hair. "Did you…um, did you watch
anything interesting on TV today?"
"No," Rachel said. She was quiet for a long time before she spoke again. "I find the absence of any
remotely interesting afternoon programming to be very disappointing."
Quinn chuckled. "Yeah," she agreed. "It does suck." She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. She rested
her head against Rachel's neck. "Thank you for trying," she whispered. "I've missed you so much."
Rachel hugged her. "I missed this," she whispered. "I miss the way we were before."
Rachel missed the way she was before, too. She may not have been loved or popular, but she'd been
comfortable with who she was and she missed that version of her. She didn't like herself anymore, she
didn't like being this way.
Quinn rubbed Rachel's arm. "Do you feel up to some visitors? Brit and San really want to see you."
Rachel shook her head. She didn't want to see either of them, but she saw the disappointment on
Quinn's face and relented. "Not today. Tomorrow after school? I haven't showered in a couple days."
Quinn smiled. "Okay, baby."
--
The next day, Mike came over after school carrying some Chinese medicinal herbs that was supposed
to quicken healing for Rachel from his grandmother.
"They smell pretty gross, but I couldn't just throw them away. My mom translated instructions into
English and wrote it down. I checked-- it mostly involves boiling, so it should be pretty easy."
She smiled and set them on the kitchen table. She sat him down and poured him a glass of real milk
and gave him a cookie. Beth hopped around and asked for one, too and Rachel gave the little girl two
cookies. She and Mike both laughed when Beth crammed both in her mouth and grinned at them.
"Thanks," she said."Tell your grandmother and your mom I said thank you. For everything."
"Sure, Rach," he said with a smile. He hesitated. "I heard Brit and Santana saying they were going to
come over here."
"Yes. Quinn's idea."
He bit his lip. "The others heard them talking. They uh-- they want to come by, too."
Rachel shook her head as she remembered the way she'd unloaded on Mercedes, Kurt, Finn and
Blaine. She wasn't sorry for the content, but she was sorry for the way she said it, and she was too
embarrassed and ashamed to face them. She was too humiliated to face anyone from McKinley
knowing they all knew what happened to her. She hadn't seen much of the news on TV or read
anything, but she suspected, some kind of news of her attack had been reported by the media-- such
things tended to be, even when the identity of the victim was withheld. She realized how frightening it
was that she was considered a victim.
"Rachel," he said softly. "You're going to have to see them when you come back to school."
She shook her head. "I'm not going back to McKinley," she said dully. "I can't go back there. Shelby
already told me I don't have to go, and I've been looking up alternative schools. Or I can just do an
independent study program."
"What about glee?"
Rachel shrugged.
"Don't you miss singing?"
The scary thing was that she didn't. She shrugged in response.
"What about NYADA? They're going to want to see a high school diploma. What if not going back
jeopardizes your acceptance?"
She'd thought about that, but she realized she didn't care that much. She desperately wanted to get
out of Lima, but if NYADA took back the acceptance, Rachel couldn't do anything about it. She would
feel pretty stupid for wearing that NYADA sweatshirt Quinn bought her around the house for the past
couple weeks, but that was mainly because she found it comforting to wear a gift from Quinn.
She shrugged apathetically.
"Rachel," Mike said quietly. "Don't you care about anything anymore?"
Rachel sighed. Of course she still cared. She cared about him. She cared about Quinn. She cared
about her fathers. She cared about Beth. She cared about Shelby. But she didn't care about glee, or
McKinley or Broadway or singing. She just wanted to hibernate and wake up to find all these problems
were gone.
"Rachel," Mike said, clearly frustrated. "Say something."
It was like that conversation with Quinn all over again. She felt just as helpless and ineffectual.
"I can't go back to McKinley," Rachel said quietly. "Everyone knows. Everyone will look at me."
He swallowed visibly and bit his lip before he spoke. "I won't let anyone do that," he promised
sincerely. "You're my friend. I'll figure something out. Even if we have to set up human shields around
you."
Rachel laughed quietly. "Thank you, but I just…I can't go back."
"Rach," he said softly. "You can't let the bad guy win."
"I'm not a superhero, Mike."
Mike smiled and took her hand. "The best superheroes don't look like Batman or Superman. They look
like you. Didn't you ever see 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'?" he asked tenderly.
She laughed through her tears. "Why are you so kind to me?"
"Because we're friends, Rachel."
She was still crying when Quinn came over with Brittany and Santana following behind her.
Brittany gave her a tight hug which left her gasping and Brittany apologizing.
"You don't look so bad, Hobbit," Santana said, though her voice lacked any kind of venom. "When are
you coming back?"
Rachel shrugged but she exchanged a smile with Mike.
--
They watched a TV movie while playing Cranium and Rachel realized it wasn't so bad having Brittany
and Santana over. She didn't feel like talking to them, but they didn't fawn over her and make her feel
like a zoo exhibit, nor were they mean to her, either. They mostly ignored her while intermittently
pleasantly acknowledging her. This was all Rachel really ever wanted from them.
Brittany, Santana and Mike left together leaving Quinn and Rachel alone. Rachel swallowed hard. She
covered her face and sighed. She knew what Quinn wanted from her-- it was so easy, so basic, such
an intrinsic part of who she always thought herself to be. All Quinn wanted her to do was talk But it
seemed so hard. But she knew she had to give Quinn something
"I don't want to go back to McKinley because everyone knows," Rachel admitted quietly. "They'll stare
at me, and not in the way I want. Not in a good way."
"I won't let anyone do that," Quinn said protectively.
Rachel smiled. ""I know," she said. She bit her lower lip. She just wanted to give Quinn what she
wanted. "I, um, get my teeth fixed tomorrow."
Quinn smiled back. "Good," she said softly.
"Are you going to miss my jack-o-lantern look?"
Quinn laughed softly. "I am going to miss having better teeth than you. Oh, wait! I always did!" she
joked.
Rachel laughed. "I just don't think I'm ready to go to McKinley," she whispered.
"I'll be with you the whole time," Quinn promised. "Just try, baby."
"I want things to go back to normal," Rachel said softly. She rested her forehead against Quinn's.
Quinn shut her eyes. "Me too," she whispered.
Quinn stroked Rachel's face.
Rachel sighed softly. She realized just knowing people cared about her-- Shelby, Quinn, Mike…maybe
even the other gleeks, was more therapeutic than actual therapy.
She didn't want to go back to McKinley, but she knew deep down, Mike was right-- leaving would make
the bad guy win. And she also knew Quinn genuinely would try to protect her. She couldn't pretend
she was only living for herself anymore.
"Okay," Rachel conceded quietly. "I'll go back to McKinley."
--
Just when she started to become a little more optimistic, she woke up from a nightmare that night.
She thrashed so wildly in the bed, she fell off the bed and hit her head against the nightstand. The
noise brought Shelby running and Rachel's secret was caught.
Shelby stared at Rachel, still with duct tape over her lips and looked bewildered and horrified. For a
moment, Rachel wondered if she could pretend it was all some weird masturbatory sex fetish thing as
she wildly searched for some kind of plausible excuse. But Shelby stared at her like she just knew and
Rachel didn't have the energy to just lie.
"Why would you do this?" Shelby cried. "Why?! Don't you know how badly you could have hurt
yourself?!"
"I didn't want to wake you," Rachel sobbed, once she removed the duct tape from her lips. "I kept
waking you and Beth up!"
Shelby was crying, too. "I thought you were sleeping better!"
Rachel hid her face with her hands. She wasn't.
"Oh, baby," Shelby whispered. "Promise me you won't do this anymore, baby," she said quietly.
"Please."
"I don't want to keep waking you and Beth," Rachel muttered.
"It's okay," Shelby insisted quietly. "It's okay. Please, honey. Don't ever do this again."
"Okay," Rachel whispered.
"Baby, I need the duct tape. Please. I can't…I can't risk you doing this again. Don't you know how
much you could have hurt yourself?"
"Okay," Rachel repeated in a whisper. She reached into the nightstand and took out the roll of duct
tape and passed it to Shelby.
"Baby," Shelby crooned lowly. "Baby, it's okay. Let's get you back into bed. I need you to go back to
sleep. Can you try for me?"
"Okay," Rachel whispered. She didn't know what else to say. She got into the bed again, closed her
eyes and sighed.
Shelby put her hand on Rachel's forehead. "What can I do to make it better, sweetheart?" she
murmured.
Rachel didn't answer, but it felt nice to have the weight of Shelby's hand pressing against her
forehead. It was comforting. Rachel kept her eyes closed and Shelby started to hum. Rachel didn't
recognize the tune right away because Shelby wasn't singing, but she soon realized it was a Beatles
song-- 'In My Life.' Rachel actually liked that song a lot and she tried to just focus on Shelby's
humming. Eventually she drifted off.
She woke up a few hours later, crying and whimpering, but Shelby was sitting in a chair next to the
bed.
"Go to sleep, honey," Shelby murmured. "We still have lots of time. I'm here. No one is going to hurt
you anymore. Not while I'm here. I know you're scared, but I'm going to protect you."
Rachel let out a soft whimper, but she closed her eyes and tried to go to sleep.
--
When Rachel woke up a few hours later, Shelby was sleeping in the chair beside her. Rachel
swallowed hard because she realized for the first time she'd barely spoke to Shelby the entire time she
was here in Shelby's home--nearly three weeks.
She woke up Shelby gently, who snapped awake.
"Are you okay?" Shelby asked.
Rachel nodded.
Shelby's lip trembled. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asked, her voice cracking.
Rachel nodded again. She swallowed hard. "Thank you," she said. "For everything."
--
The next few days passed by in a monotonous jumble. Every day was like the one that came before it,
but that was actually a good thing.
--
On the Sunday before her first day back at school, she found herself nervous, which she tried to tell
herself couldn't be an entirely bad thing because it meant she still cared even if it was only little bit.
Quinn arrived with a plate of vegan cookies she'd baked with her mother. Each cookie was decorated
with a gold star.
Quinn smiled shyly. "For luck tomorrow," she said quietly.
Rachel smiled back. "Thank you," she said sincerely. She wasn't really hungry, but she tried a cookie.
She beamed at Quinn. "They're so good," she effused. She offered one to Beth who had toddled over
to Quinn and raised her arms.
Quinn ducked her head and smiled. "Thanks," she said softly. She picked Beth up and reached for
Rachel's hand with her free hand. "Can I give you a ride to school tomorrow?"
"Shelby wanted to take me," Rachel said uncertainly.
Rachel still had her car, but she couldn't drive yet because of her ankle.
"Oh," Quinn said. She looked disappointed. "Well, I'll wait for you out in front of the school then. Um,
you know. To walk you inside."
"Thank you," Rachel replied. "That sounds perfect."
"Love you, Quinn! Love you, Rachel!" Beth chirped around a mouthful of cookie.
Quinn and Rachel looked at one another and shared a laugh.
--
The next morning, Shelby dropped her off at the curb upon Rachel's insistence.
"Please, sweetheart," Shelby said pleadingly. "Are you sure I can't walk you in?
"I'd really rather you didn't," Rachel mumbled. "I don't want to call attention to myself and anyone who
gets an escort tends to call attention to him or herself."
Shelby nodded, accepting this. "Beth and I will pick you up here after school, all right?"
"Okay," Rachel said.
Shelby leaned toward Rachel, as if to hug or kiss her, but Rachel drew a sharp intake of breath, pulled
away and fled the car as quickly as she could.
"Thank you, Shelby," Rachel managed to mutter as she fled.
Right outside the car door, Quinn, Mike and Tina were waiting for her.
Rachel climbed out. She had to use crutches now since she wasn't just confined to the walls of
Shelby's condo, so she had to open the backseat to get her crutches.
Quinn held her backpack while Rachel grabbed her crutches.
Rachel turned to Tina. "Hi," she greeted lowly. It'd been the first time she'd seen Tina in nearly a
month.
Tina gave her a wide smile and a brief hug. "Hi," she whispered. "Welcome back. I missed you," she
said sincerely.
Rachel forced a smile. "I missed you, too.
They proceeded to walk toward the inside of the school. Rachel saw people looking at her, but with
Quinn and Mike on either side of her and Tina in front of her, it was hard to tell. As they approached
the entrance to the school, other gleeks silently joined them until she was completely surrounded in a
circle. She couldn't see anyone else and no one else could see her.
She knew people were whispering about her, but it was hard to make out anything specific because all
the glee clubbers' conversations were drowning out the din of rumors and speculation.
Quinn leaned in close and whispered in Rachel's ear. "Guess what? I think Mr. Schuester is balding."
Rachel laughed.
"The other day, I heard him ask Ms. Pillsbury if his hair was really stiff from the gel, or if it was
malleable, because he uses this special gel that was supposed to make his hair soft."
Rachel laughed harder.
"I thought about penises," Quinn confessed quietly.
That did it. Rachel shrieked with laughter so fierce, she almost lost her balance.
Rachel found her first period class was the most challenging. Even though she shared all her classes
with Quinn, and they got to move their seats around to sit next to each other, she felt everyone's eyes
on her. Rachel hunched in her seat. Walking to class, surrounded by the glee club, she hadn't felt
everyone's scrutiny, but she did now.
Quinn passed her a note in class and Rachel looked at her and pouted in a scolding way. But she
opened the note anyway.
You're doing great, baby. Keep your head up.
Rachel flashed her a smile and stuck the note into her pocket.
The rest of her classes were the same, but she had her glee club escorts surrounding her in a bubble
as she walked to each class. They ate together in the quad, surrounding her in another bubble. Even
though they were all facing her and she felt intensely scrutinized at times, they'd broken off into smaller
groups and were chatting amongst each other. She spent the entire lunch talking quietly with Quinn
and Mike.
By the end of her first day back, she was exhausted, but she thought she could do this. It was late
April and she only had two more months of school to go. She could hang in there.
She thought life really might return to normal.
--
A full month after that awful party, they still hadn't found the man who assaulted her. She didn't think it
would happen, it's not as though she was a big help-- she couldn't remember anything truly pertinent
other his hair color and cologne. She'd been able to identify the cologne, and other partygoers could
remember smelling it, too, but couldn't remember who it was. She wasn't naïve enough to believe
she'd get justice in that front.
It was ironic, but despite the misery the assault caused in so many aspects of her life, it did have some
serendipitous side effects.
Since she was declared a dependent of the juvenile dependency court, she was appointed her own
attorney to represent her interests, and her attorney was aggressively pursuing emancipation as her
plan. The Court appointed a CASA, and a separate attorney to guard her financial interests since her
dependency attorney was only familiar with matters having to with foster care, juvenile dependency,
adoption and emancipation. She now had an attorney looking at all of her fathers' assets and she was
getting legal advice from a real attorney about what to do with her parents' house and other assets like
retirement plans -- stuff she didn't even know about and would never have been able to sort out on her
own.
Apparently, the Court's intent was to settle all those matters for her before they'd terminate jurisdiction
over her. Both her attorney and her social worker very sternly informed her she would not be
emancipated until all her medical care was up-to-date-- Rachel hadn't had a well-child exam in three
years, was behind on immunizations and still needed to have her tonsils out.
The presiding judge spoke to her privately in chambers and gently encouraged her to continue with
therapy even if she didn't want it. The judge was so kind, Rachel acquiesced. Carrie, her therapist,
was kind and competent, but Rachel didn't feel like she really derived any benefit, even though she did
kind of feel better. Her therapy got dropped down from twice a week to once a week and she didn’t feel
so crazy.
Rachel never realized how nice it felt to relinquish some control. It felt good to be told what to do and
to finally get on the right track.
She started out in a big rush to have the Court terminate its jurisdiction and just emancipate her, but
she realized now they could actually help her-- and she really needed it. She didn't need help
necessarily in making decisions-- she'd done that on her own for years, but she could use help on
getting certain things accomplished.
Once, she thought about asking her attorney to help her write out a will, but upon further reflection, she
thought that would just get her on suicide watch.
--
mjacton
2012-01-19 10:55 am (local)
Surprisingly to me, I got a small lump in my throat at the judge talking to Rachel privately. It was really
short, obviously, but it seemed like a significant moment.
(Reply) (Thread)
ikke87
2012-06-16 05:06 pm (local)
I was very moved by how the glee kids formed a circle to protect Rachel on her first day back at
school.
(Reply) (Thread)
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sulkygeekff
January 17th, 2012
She went back to glee once she got the cast off her ankle and her ribs healed. She
didn't participate much-- she just didn't feel the joy anymore, but she thought it would be good to stick
to routine. She didn't feel the need to apologize for refusing their visits or for lashing out at Mercedes,
Kurt, Finn and Blaine that day because no one, except maybe Quinn, had ever felt the need to
apologize to her. But things went back to normal without a lot of awkwardness. Everything was just
kind of swept under the proverbial rug, the way it always was in their little group. That suited her fine.
Regionals were coming up, but she honestly didn't care. She didn't care who got the solo just as long
as it wasn't her.
--
She and Quinn were studying together one day and sharing a bowl of vanilla almond milk ice cream
when Rachel found herself staring at Quinn's lips and wondering when the last time they'd really
kissed.
Rachel ached when she realized it was the day of the party-- that was far too long. Six weeks. She
hadn't even wanted to kiss Quinn in all that time-- the thought of kissing someone, doing anything even
remotely intimate with someone was terrifying. But now she missed it more than anything.
Rachel hesitantly reached out to touch Quinn's cheek.
Quinn shut her eyes and put down the spoon she was holding.
"Rach," Quinn whispered.
"Shh," Rachel murmured. She leaned forward and brushed her lips against Quinn's. She pulled back
to regard her girlfriend who still had her eyes closed.
Quinn's shoulders heaved and a small cry ripped from her throat.
Rachel knew then that if she were ever to regain what she'd lost with Quinn, she would have to initiate
it, because Quinn was far too respectful.
Rachel swallowed hard and leaned forward again and kissed Quinn once more, this time running her
tongue across Quinn's lower lip. Quinn's mouth parted and Rachel sighed into the kiss as their
tongues touched.
Quinn moaned and she wrapped her arms around Rachel in a tight hug. Rachel held onto Quinn as
closely as humanly possible.
When they finally pulled apart, they were both breathless and Rachel smiled at Quinn in wonderment.
"I missed that," she confessed shyly.
Quinn smiled warmly at her and sniffled-- she was crying. She wiped at her eyes. "I missed that, too,"
she whispered.
Rachel smiled and kissed her again. It'd been so, so long and Rachel shut her eyes and told herself
the person kissing her was just Quinn, not someone who wanted to hurt her.
All they did was kiss which was a relief. Rachel didn't think Quinn would push for more now-- the
blonde was far too considerate and conscientious. But she couldn't be sure. The fact that Quinn didn't
ask for more even if Rachel was now physically well enough to give it to her made Rachel fall a little
more in love with her.
"Tell me something about you I don't know," Quinn whispered quietly, as they laid in the bed together,
holding hands. Quinn was always trying to get her to talk more. Rachel never thought she would be in
a position where someone would want her to speak more, but then, she'd never been at such a loss
for words before.
He stole her voice and Rachel wasn't sure she'd ever get it back.
"I don't know what to say," Rachel said, protesting weakly.
"Please just try," Quinn pleaded.
Rachel thought about telling Quinn how she could remember the scratchiness of a pillow-- clearly one
with a low thread count, when she was flipped over so her face was pressed into it before he began
violating her again. Sometimes now, when something piece of fabric felt particularly rough against her
skin, she remembered it and her skin crawled for the rest of the day.
But that did not seem the sort of thing she should ever share with anyone.
Rachel thought more.
"I was in foster care before," she admitted. "When I was three. Someone called CPS on my fathers
and said all these tremendous, vicious lies."
Quinn looked anguished. "They took you away?"
Rachel nodded. "Yes. But I don't really remember it. My fathers said it wasn't a good experience for
me though. That's why they were so protective of me." She paused, her voice growing hoarse. "That's
why I was so afraid to tell anyone they were gone," she admitted. "I couldn't go back to foster care. It
was just...too scary."
Quinn flushed guiltily. "I did that to Shelby and Beth," she said quietly. "Is that why you were so upset
with me?"
Rachel swallowed visibly. "Yes," she admitted. "I know Shelby isn't great to you-- she could be nicer.
I've called her out on it a few times. But I know she doesn't deserve to have Beth taken away. She's a
good mom to her."
Quinn swallowed. "I know," she conceded.
--
The nightmares still came, but not as frequently. Therapy helped, but Rachel found that there were
things in her daily life that were more efficacious than mining through her hurts. She liked cooking with
Shelby, she liked playing with Beth, she enjoyed spending time with Mike and she loved every moment
she spent with Quinn.
She thought she wouldn't make it, but it'd only been six weeks and she felt so much better. She felt so
much better than she had two weeks ago, and there was definitely something to be said for returning
to normalcy, because even though going back to school was difficult, she still felt better getting herself
out of bed five days a week and trudging to McKinley than she had when she sat in bed, stared at the
walls and felt hopeless and sorry for herself.
She started to feel even better when she could start driving herself to school again after her ankle
healed instead of being chauffeured by Shelby.
--
One day, after school, she, Mike and Quinn went to the mall to pick up a present for Mike's mother's
birthday. Mike made her laugh by dancing around the mall, twirling and jumping on benches and
leaping off them, parkour style. He grabbed her by one hand, spun her around and then did the same
to Quinn.
They were laughing when they went into Macy's.
That's when the smell hit her from the men's cologne section and she froze.
"Baby?" Quinn whispered.
"Rach?" Mike called out.
She trembled and rubbed at her nose, trying to block the scent out.
"I…I have to get out of here," Rachel said and she turned and fled as quickly as she could.
Mike and Quinn ran after her.
She was crying and shaking when they caught up to her. People stared and whispered and Rachel felt
her heart palpitate. The lights seemed way too bright and her vision was spinning. That smell was
everywhere.
"Rach?" Mike said softly. "It's just me. I'm going to pick you up, okay?"
Dimly, Rachel was aware that Mike picked her up and carried her like he was Kevin Costner to her
Whitney Houston a la The Bodyguard. Quinn ran next to them.
--
It was very quiet in the car ride back to Shelby's. Quinn sat with her in the backseat, stroking her hair.
Rachel buried her face into Quinn's neck and tried to breathe her in, but she couldn't get the smell of
that cologne out. Her skin crawled. She could feel him all over her.
"Baby, it's okay," Quinn soothed. "It's okay."
Everyone kept promising that it would be okay, but it just never was. Even when it felt okay, it didn't
stay okay for very long.
Mike carried her up to Shelby's building and Quinn pounded on the front door, urging Shelby to hurry
up and answer it. None of them remembered they could have just used Rachel's key.
Shelby's eyes were wide when she saw the three teenagers at her door.
"What happened? I thought you were going to the mall!"
"We did," Quinn said quietly.
Mike carried Rachel to the bedroom and gently set her down.
"Rach," he said quietly. "It's okay. You're home."
Rachel turned away from him and buried her face into the pillow. She wasn't home.
She ignored all their worried questions and forced herself to sleep.
--
The nightmares came that night, of course, and she sobbed while Shelby held her. She knew Shelby
was crying as well, and she just wanted to make things stop.
A few hours later, it was time to get up and get ready for school, but she couldn't bring herself to do it,
and Shelby let her stay home.
Quinn and Mike dropped by, together, to check on her and give her a ride to school.
"Tell them to go away," Rachel whimpered.
"Honey, they just want to see you and make sure you're okay. You might feel better if you--"
"Tell them to go away."
Shelby sighed quietly. "Okay, sweetheart," she murmured. "Anything for you."
Rachel pulled the covers over her head. Beth toddled into the room while Shelby was at the front door
talking to Mike and Quinn.
Beth climbed up on the bed and crawled under the covers with Rachel.
"Rachel hide?"
Rachel laughed quietly and hugged Beth close. "No, baby Beth. Rachel disappear."
Beth frowned. "Dis--disa--dis--" she pouted in frustration as she realized she could not repeat the word.
"Rachel hide?"
Rachel chuckled. "Okay, Bethie."
Beth palmed Rachel's cheek, patting it. "No cry, Rachel," Beth pleaded earnestly.
Rachel laughed through her tears. "No cry," she whispered.
Beth climbed out of bed and came back a few moments later, holding Shelby by the hand. "Mommy,"
Beth said. "Her's filled with sad."
Rachel squeezed her eyes shut. She took a moment to compose herself. "She's filled with sad, Beth.
Not her's," she corrected.
Rachel could almost picture Beth's confusion.
"Mommy," Beth repeated. "Rachel hurt and filled with sad."
Rachel curled up tighter, pressing her face into her pillow. She wanted to scream.
"I know, Bethie," Shelby murmured.
"Make Rachel better, Mommy," Beth pleaded.
Shelby's voice trembled. "I'm trying, Beth. Go play with your Dora, okay, baby?" she whispered.
"Okay," Beth acquiesced.
Rachel pictured Beth making a thumbs-up sign. She was doing that a lot lately.
Rachel felt the bed dip from Shelby's weight. The sheets pulled back and Rachel allowed herself to be
pulled into Shelby's lap.
"What happened, sweetheart?" Shelby asked quietly, stroking Rachel's hair.
Rachel sighed raggedly. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Please," Shelby murmured. "Try."
"What good will it do?" Rachel asked bleakly.
"You might feel better," Shelby countered.
"No," Rachel mumbled glumly.
"That's just how life works," Shelby pointed out gently. "Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're
down…"
Rachel chuckled humorlessly. "I think it's safe to say I've been down for a long time."
"Please tell me what happened, sweetheart."
Rachel sighed and pressed her hand over her eyes. "Cologne," she whispered.
"What, honey?"
"I smelled cologne. His cologne. At the counter at Macy's."
"Oh baby," Shelby murmured. "I'm so sorry."
Rachel cuddled into Shelby's lap. "I need a break," she whispered. "Please, just a few days. Don't
send me back to school. Just a few days."
Shelby was torn. There was no manual for this sort of thing, even though it was generally accepted
amongst the parenting communities that allowing children to skip school was discouraged. But those
children hadn't endured such a huge trauma.
"Okay," Shelby answered finally. "Of course."
--
Rachel skipped the rest of the school week, which was only two days. Then came the weekend. By
Monday morning, she still didn't feel like getting out of bed. Her therapist had dropped in for an
emergency session, but Carrie couldn’t cajole her out of bed.
Quinn dropped by every day, but Rachel just couldn't face her yet. She told Shelby to send her away.
--
She skipped school again on Tuesday. She was lying in bed when she heard the doorbell ring. She
assumed correctly that it was Quinn, and she once again had Shelby send her away.
--
She was sleeping that night when she heard the doorbell ring and pounding on the front door. She
roused, but she didn’t get out of bed. She heard Shelby cursing to answer the door.
She heard Quinn wailing. "I want to see her! Please let me see her!"
At first, Rachel thought that Quinn was maybe talking about Beth-- it'd been at least a week since
Quinn had been able to see Beth and Rachel knew how lost Quinn felt if she didn't get to see Beth at
least once a week.
But then Quinn called out to her.
"Rachel! Rachel, please! She's keeping you from me!"
She sounded drunk.
She heard Shelby very sharply shush Quinn and then she heard a door slam in the condo-- probably
Shelby's bedroom door.
Confused, Rachel got out of bed and walked to Shelby's room. The door was closed, but Quinn and
Shelby were indeed inside, talking.
"You'll wake them!" Shelby scolded harshly. "What is wrong with you?!"
"You're keeping her from me," Quinn slurred, clearly in tears. "Both of them! I know you're keeping her
from seeing me! You never liked me and now you're keeping her from me! You're cutting me out! I
knew you'd do this! I knew it!"
"Quinn, you're drunk and out of your mind," Shelby snapped. "I'm not keeping you from Rachel. She
asked me to send you away."
"She wouldn't do that to me!" Quinn shrieked, her voice breaking.
Rachel swallowed hard and she felt so selfish for not thinking of her girlfriend.
"Get a hold of yourself!" Shelby hissed. "Do you want to wake them?!"
"I don't care!" Quinn snapped tearfully, her voice cracking. "You're keeping her away from me! You're
stealing her away!"
"Quinn," Shelby's voice became gentle. "I'm doing nothing of the sort!"
"Yes, you are!" Quinn hissed. "You…you get both of them and I get nothing. I always get nothing! You
get your baby back and my baby and I get…I get nothing and it's not fair! You can't keep her from me!
You're keeping them both! It's not fair!" Quinn sobbed, her voice cracking."Let me see her! Please let
me see her! Give her back! Please let me see Rachel! Stop keeping her from me! I know it's all my
fault but I love love her! Please don't keep her from me! Stop!"
Rachel's heart clenched. She desperately wanted to throw her arms around her girlfriend.
"I'm not keeping Rachel from you! I know she needs you! I would never do that!" Shelby finally
snapped, sounding utterly exasperated.
Rachel grabbed the door knob to intervene, but she froze when Quinn spoke before she could turn the
knob.
"We had a deal," Quinn slurred. "We had a deal! I would help you get Rachel if you let me spend time
with Beth. You can't back out!" Quinn yelled. "You can't get both of them and I get nothing! We had a
deal!"
Rachel swallowed hard. 'Deal?' she questioned. She swallowed again. What the hell did that mean?
Rachel opened the door, swinging it violently. Shelby and Quinn both looked at her in shock. And
Quinn was clearly drunk and disheveled.
Quinn's face brightened for a moment before Rachel spoke.
"What deal?"
Her mother and her girlfriend looked at one another, clearly caught and guilty.
Rachel glared at both of them. "What deal?" she demanded strongly.
"Baby," Shelby murmured. She stepped forward and pulled Rachel inside and shut the door. "I don't
know what you heard, but--"
"I heard something about a deal," Rachel interrupted. "Something about Quinn helping you get me as
long as you let her spend time with Beth. So I reiterate my question-- what deal?"
Shelby and Quinn looked like they wanted to throw up. Rachel felt a little nauseous herself.
Quinn continued to sob but was clearly trying to catch her breath and calm herself. "Baby," Quinn said
quietly, suddenly looking much more sober than she did just a few seconds before. She sniffled and
wiped at her eyes with her forearms. "It's… it's not... It's nothing really," she said her voice wavering.
"She's right, honey," Shelby said. "It's nothing. We're just having an argument. We're sorry we woke
you--"
"Stop lying to me!" Rachel snapped. "Tell me the truth." She glared at Quinn. "Tell me the truth!"
"Baby--" Quinn whispered.
"Tell me!"
Distraught, Quinn's face trembled. "Your mom came to me," Quinn whispered. "She wanted to spend
more time with you. She-- she said I could spend more time with Beth if I could get you to spend time
with her."
Rachel swallowed hard. "When was this?" she asked, glaring.
"In December," Quinn said quietly. "After Sectionals."
Rachel glared at Shelby. "Is this true?"
"I just wanted more time with you," Shelby whispered. "I wasn't going to teach at McKinley anymore, I
knew I had no more chances to be around you. I just wanted a chance with you--"
"So you made a deal," Rachel said darkly. She stared at Quinn. "So that's why we started spending
more time together," she whispered. "That's why you invited me to your visits with Beth. You didn't
want me. You weren't interested in being my friend. You were fulfilling some bargain!"
"No, baby! It wasn't like that!" Quinn protested.
"I'm an idiot," Rachel whispered. "Of course you weren't interested in my friendship. I should have
known. You were never interested in my friendship before."
"Baby, no. Please--"
"Shut up," Rachel snapped.
"Honey," Shelby started.
"You shut up, too," Rachel said. "You-- you manipulated me."
"I just wanted a relationship with you," Shelby pleaded.
"You manipulated me," Rachel snapped. "You…you could have just come to me and told me you
wanted a relationship, but you…manipulated me!"
"You didn't seem to want to be around me!"
"So, it's always just what you want, not what I want?!" Rachel cried. "You manipulated me into having
a relationship with you and…" she trailed off and she glared at Quinn. "And you, too," she whispered.
She glared at both of them. "Everything with both of you has been one, big lie."
They each stepped toward her, but she recoiled.
Rachel's lower lip wobbled, which was the thing that devastated Shelby and Quinn.
"I trusted you," Rachel said quietly to Shelby. "I actually started to think that you---" her voice broke off
for a moment. "I actually started to think you were my mom."
"I am your mom, baby," Shelby whispered. "I--"
"No! A parent wouldn't have done this! You-- you manipulated me. Both of you. You…you tricked me.
You guys made a deal with one another like… like, I was this thing."
"It wasn't like that, baby," Shelby interrupted desperately. "You were going away and I knew my time
with you was running out and--"
"You couldn't have just come with me and be straightforward? You couldn't have just told me that?"
"You were so reluctant to be around me! I didn't think you would have gone for that!"
"That's the very definition of manipulation!"
Shelby opened her mouth to speak, but faltered. Quinn was also clearly looking for something to say,
but she couldn't seem to find the words either.
Rachel hugged her arms around herself. "I really missed having a parent," she said quietly, her voice
cracking. "I never had a mom and it'd been a long time since I had parents," she said wistfully. "I…I
used to really like it that you would fix my scarf or tell me to drive safe." She bit her lip. "It was kind of
annoying, but I missed having someone do that for me. And you were so good to me through…through
everything…" her voice faded. "You really did make it better," she whispered, her voice cracking. Her
face hardened. "But you were just playing me."
"No! That wasn't staged. Rachel, honey. I love you so much. You're my daughter. I just…I wanted us
to build a relationship, so that even if you went away to college, you would still keep in touch with Beth
and me."
Rachel turned to look at Quinn. "You knew how I felt about her, that I was ambivalent," she said
quietly. "But you still went along with it."
"Rach," Quinn said weakly. "I just wanted to see Beth . It started out that way, but--"
"Were we ever really friends, Quinn?" Rachel asked sadly. "Or were you just using me as a ticket to
see your perfect little blond baby?"
"No! Baby, I love you!"
"I never really had a best friend before you, and definitely not a friend who was a girl. All the friends I
ever had were guys and I never really knew how to be a friend with a girl until you," Rachel said sadly.
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she thought about how completely she believed in both of them. "I
should have known you were too good to be true. Both of you." She sniffled. "You guys got me my only
Christmas presents," she said quietly, remembering how meaningful the snowglobe and the necklace
had been to her. Finn's gift had meant a lot to her simply because it was from him, but she was a
vegan Jew, so a sow destined for slaughter wasn't exactly appropriate. But having something tangible
made her feel like she did when her parents were still alive and lavished her with presents.
"Honey," Shelby whispered. "Please-- everything I did, it was because I just wanted some time with
you and--"
"I can't-- I can't take any more than this," Rachel interrupted, wiping at her eyes. "Please both of you,
just…shut--shut up. I need…I need…" she frowned, shutting her eyes shut in frustration. "I need…"
Rachel abruptly stopped speaking. She turned and fled the Shelby's room, running into her room,
slamming the door and locking it.
Despite all the chaos of that night, it was her slamming the door that awoke Beth.
Quinn knocked on the door and pleaded to be let in. Once Shelby got Beth to sleep, she did the same.
But Rachel simply dragged her dressed in front of the door, lest they try to jimmy the lock, and
crammed her hands over her ears. She'd initially reached for the iPod that Shelby bought her to
replace the one she'd lost…that night, but it was such a reminder that their relationship had been built
on a lie, that she couldn't use it. She covered her ears with her hands and rocked herself back and
forth trying to block out the sound of her lying mother and girlfriend.
--
Hours later, when it was times to get ready for school, she brushed past Shelby and Quinn, still
attempting to get her attention and walked into the bathroom to prepare. She managed to ignore them
until she left the house.
Rachel chose to ditch her first period class and instead drove to her social worker's office, her mind
made up.
Ashley smiled at her at first when she came down to greet Rachel at reception, but then she seemed
to realize that Rachel should be in school. The look on Rachel's face sealed that something was
clearly wrong. Ashley looked at her cautiously before leading her into one of the conference rooms so
they could speak privately.
"What's going on, Rachel?"
"I can't live with Shelby anymore. I don't want to get into why. It's nothing to do with child safety or
anything and Beth is fine where she is, so just because I can't live there doesn't mean Beth can't. But
you need to find me a new place to live because I'm not going to spend one more second in that
house."
Her social worker sighed. "Rachel, you only have, like seven more weeks until graduation. We're
getting ready to emancipate you in a few weeks. If I take you out of Shelby's home now, you'll go into a
foster home or a group home and you won't emancipate until you move into the dorms at NYADA. You
won't be able to emancipate until then if you move out of Shelby's house because you need
somewhere stable to live before we emancipate you and foster homes and group homes are not
considered stable. We both know Shelby will let you stay with her even after you emancipate. Are you
sure that's how you want to do this?"
Rachel's lower lip trembled. "I can't live with her. Please, get me out of there."
"Rach, I can't take you from your mom without you telling me why."
Rachel's face hardened. "She's not legally my mom, remember? I know my rights. If I don't like a
placement, I can be asked to be moved and you need to give it reasonable consideration. I'm begging
you to get me out of there. I'll stay with a friend until you can find me a new placement, if I have to."
"With Quinn?"
Rachel snorted. "No."
She was actually thinking of Mike. But she'd sleep in her car or a park bench before she stayed with
Shelby again.
Ashley sighed. "Okay, Rachel. Go to school. I'm going to make some calls. Come back after school so
we can talk, okay?"
"Okay," Rachel said.
"I mean it," Ashley said emphatically. "School."
But she didn't go to school-- she couldn't. She didn't want to run the risk of running into Quinn there.
Instead she went home-- to her real home, where she was raised by her two fathers.
Shelby had the locks changed because Rachel's keys had never been found after the attack, and
since her purse containing her wallet which held her ID had never been found either, the prevailing
theory was that her attacker took them as some kind of souvenir. He knew where she'd lived, he had a
key to go inside and so the only rational thing to do was to change all the locks.
She let herself in with the new key, and it made her sadder than it should have, particularly since it
was so banal. Nothing ever seemed to stay the same.
The house smelled musty from the lack of occupation, but Rachel found it comforting to be back in
familiar surroundings. Her eyes welled up at the sight of a family portrait above the fireplace. She
sighed. It was the very last one they ever took.
Wearily, she shuffled to her fathers' bedroom and threw herself on the bed. The sheets smelled old--
she hadn't been back in a month, when she'd come to pick up some of her things, so she hadn't
changed their sheets in a while. Plus, the room smelled stiff from the lack of air circulating. Still, she
crawled into the middle of the bed, and curled up fetal. She could remember being little and shuffling
into her fathers' bedroom and crawling into bed with them, nestling right in the middle and curling up
between them.
They never minced words with her-- they were always honest about the world, and how people were
all too quick to pass judgment. So she always sought solace with them, and it was always just the
three of them against the world, especially after she was removed from them when she was three and
then returned to them a couple months later. She couldn't remember it, but when they told her about it,
she sensed their lingering bitterness and they outright told her 'this world is unfair and there's no one in
the world who loves you more than us, and no one you should trust other than us.'
They'd never failed her, so she never saw a reason to doubt them.
Over the last three years, she'd lost everything. She'd lost her parents, her greatest supporters and
protectors. She'd lost her dog. She sniffed mournfully at the thought of Cow, whom she'd neglected
during the last few months of his life because she spent so much time with Quinn. He'd been a present
from her fathers-- the very last living connection she'd had with them and she'd just neglected him.
He'd been her only friend for years and she just treated him like he was any old dog, when really he
was so much more than that. She'd lost her dignity and her sense of safety in the world. She'd lost her
mother, truly and completely now, because she could not envision a time when she could ever look at
Shelby without wondering if her mother had ulterior motives. She'd lost her girlfriend, the first person
she'd truly fallen in love with. She thought she'd been in love before, and she didn't believe her
relationship with Quinn negated the importance of her relationships with her past boyfriends. But while
she'd always believed Finn was many positive, wonderful things, the future wasn't one of them. She'd
truly thought Quinn was her future and now that was gone.
Shelby and Quinn made a deal, and while Rachel could recognize and believe neither of them had
harbored any ill will toward her, it was just too much to take. She couldn't forget that Quinn encouraged
her to have a relationship with Shelby and spend time with her for ulterior motives. Likewise, though
Rachel was inclined to believe Shelby did want to spend time with her, she knew Shelby pushed to
spend one-on-one time with her to uphold her part of the deal and give Quinn time alone with Beth.
She thought about everything over the past few months and it all just made sense to her-- and what it
came down to was the fact she was just a pawn. For both of them.
It was just too much. After everything that had happened, it was one more thing she could not handle.
She was trying to reconcile herself with the night of her attack-- she'd gone over and over it in her
mind. She remembered what she wore that night, but though the dress had been a little short, she
didn't think it was particularly provocative. It wasn't any skimpier than she would have worn to school,
and she'd had an almost matronly cardigan sweater on top of it. The night was blurry, but she couldn't
remember insulting anyone or angering anyone. She didn't drink any alcohol because she and Quinn
promised each other they'd be sober that night, so she'd stuck to diet Cokes and peach iced teas the
whole time.
But still she ended up at the mercy of someone else and she would carry his scars, however faint,
forever.
The police assured her that when they caught him, he would serve a lot of jail time because on top of
being physically assaulted and vaginally raped, he'd sodomized her and brandished a weapon, both of
which carried more severe penalties. But she didn't care about that. She didn't want to hear "when he
gets caught" because she knew it was really "if he ever gets caught."
All she wanted was for her world to feel right again, and every time she started to get a grip, something
threw her completely off balance and she just wanted a chance to regain equilibrium.
She knew she wasn't the best person-- she wasn't Mother Theresa. She'd lied to her parents, lied to
other people who cared about her. She'd cheated on boyfriends. She'd been selfish, self-absorbed,
self-involved and overly cutthroat. She'd done her fair share of using people, too. She'd had many
unkind thoughts and even said some of them out loud.
But she wasn't capable of such evil or wrongdoing to keep deserving her world to be thrown off kilter,
again and again. She had to believe she didn't keep deserving this. She had to believe she had a
reason to force her eyes open in the morning other than mere fact that she existed and still drew
breath. She had to believe there was a reason she was still alive that went beyond hurting like this.
She pressed her face into the pillows hoping to catch some remnant of her fathers, but there was
nothing.
She had nothing left.
--
She cleaned herself up in time to drive back to her social worker's office.
"You didn't go to school," Ashley chided in lieu of greeting. "And don't fib. I checked."
Rachel shrugged.
"Rach, kiddo," Ashley said. "Please-- think about this. Do you really want to do this?"
"I'm not staying with Shelby," Rachel said flatly. "I'll spend every night sleeping in a sleeping bag under
your desk until you find me a new place. I'll do that until graduation if I have to, but I'm not spending
one more night with Shelby."
"Rachel, you have to tell me what happened. I--"
"It's nothing to do with child safety. Just get me out of there, please. Are you getting me out of there?"
Ashley sighed. "Do you remember when I told you that your former foster parents wanted you back?"
Rachel swallowed hard. "Yes."
"They still have a space. I called them and they really want you to stay with them."
Rachel trembled at the thought. "But my fathers--"
"Rachel," Ashley interjected gently. "Do you remember what we talked about? That when you were
removed from your fathers, your foster parents wanted to adopt you?"
"Yes," Rachel whispered. "But my fathers said they were awful to me. My dads-- they, they wouldn't lie
to me. They weren't just my fathers, they were my friends. Parents might lie to their kids, but friends
don't."
"Rachel, I'm going to be blunt with you, okay?"
Rachel looked at her warily. "Okay," she said softly.
"When you were three, someone called our hotline to report you were being neglected. The report said
you were being left home alone, there was no food in the house and you were crying all day."
"All of which were fabrications," Rachel snapped, because her fathers would never have done that.
"We realized that," Ashley said. "But the investigator who went out found welts on your back from a
belt. You weren't removed because of neglect, you were removed for physical abuse."
Rachel stared at her, stunned. "What?"
"Your parents weren't necessarily abusive," Ashley said gently. "They were just a little old-school and
they didn't know that legally, people can't discipline their children anymore with belts. Both your fathers
said they were disciplined that way growing up and I guess they just didn't know any better."
"They never hit me with a belt," Rachel denied vehemently. "They never disciplined me, physically,
ever. Not even when I deserved it."
"Rachel, they both admitted to it. You were removed because you were only three years old and the
investigator felt the punishment was too punitive and severe, especially given your age. You had
marks all over your back-- it was well documented. Your parents took some parenting classes and the
judge ordered that you be returned to them because it was clear to everyone that they didn't have any
intent to harm you, they just got carried away."
Rachel swallowed hard. This was just another example of her world being thrown off its axis, she had
no idea why she was still so surprised. "But what did I do that they would…" she trailed off. She
couldn't picture either of her fathers being angry enough to hit her with a belt. "What did I do to make
them so mad?"
"Our records say that your fathers said you wandered out of the backyard and they found you three
doors down playing with one of your neighbor's dogs. They thought you were kidnapped."
Rachel swallowed with difficulty. "So, what does this have to do with my former foster parents?"
"The home that you were placed in was with a lesbian couple and since you were so young-- you were
only three and the reasons for removal were considered pretty severe, the investigating social worker
may have misled them and told them you were a good candidate for adoption. I guess they were
looking to adopt. Your foster parents were really disappointed when you were sent back to your
parents and they wanted to try to maintain a relationship with you, but your fathers weren't open to
that. But all our records show that your foster parents took really good care of you."
"But why would my fathers lie to me and say they were abusive if they weren't?"
"I don't know," Ashley said quietly. "Maybe they just wanted to make sure they could keep you for
themselves."
Rachel wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. Even her fathers weren't who she thought they were.
Rachel swallowed hard. "Can you tell me about my old foster parents? What are they like? What if....I
mean, what if they're just in it for the money?"
Ashley smiled crookedly. "They're not in it for the money. Believe me. They don't need it."
Rachel rubbed at her throat, trying to dislodge the lump. "Are they nice?"
"They seem really nice," Ashley said sincerely. "Their names are Helena Peabody and Alice Pieszecki.
They don't foster kids much anymore, so you're going to be the only one. Their own kids are all a little
older than you and are already out of the house." She paused. "Do you want to give it a try?"
Rachel nodded. "Okay," she said, exhausted. She had nothing left, so what did she have to lose?
--
Ashley drove behind her as she drove to Shelby's home to pick up her belongings. She hoped that
Shelby was gone, but once Rachel let herself in with the key, Shelby ran from the kitchen table to the
door.
"Baby, thank Go--"
She trailed off when she saw Ashley standing behind Rachel.
"What's going on?" Shelby asked, looking terrified and wary.
Rachel wordlessly walked past her toward the guest room to pack up her things.
Shelby followed.
"What's going on?" Shelby repeated. "What are you doing? Honey, what-- what are you doing?"
Ashley looked uncomfortable. "Shelby, can I talk to you privately, please?"
"No," Shelby snapped. "Tell me what's going on!"
Beth toddled into the room while Rachel silently packed.
"Rachel!" Beth chirped excitedly, as she walked over and threw her arms around Rachel's legs. "Can
you play with me?"
Silently, Rachel picked her up, carried her to Shelby and passed the toddler to her mother.
"Where are you going?" Shelby asked, her voice trembling, her eyes wide. She held Beth tightly.
"Mommy"! Beth squawked. "Your hugs are too tight!"
"Shelby," Ashley said gently. "Rachel asked to be removed from your home. She's going into a foster
home."
"No," Shelby said, shaking her head. "No! No, this can't…" she trailed off in frustration. "No, she's my
daughter. You can't just take her from me!"
"Actually, I can," Ashley said quietly. "You are not legally recognized as her mother. So, yes. I can just
take her from you."
"Baby," Shelby pleaded, staring at Rachel. "We can work through this. Please. Please, don't do this.
Why don't we sit and talk about this?"
Rachel finished packing her bag. She reached into her purse and pulled out the cell phone her mother
bought her. She left it on the nightstand next to the iPod that Shelby had also purchased for her. She
faced her mother as she left.
"You told me once that you may be my mother but you aren't my mom. And you said we should just
appreciate each other from afar. That's exactly what I'm going to give you. Again."
"Baby," Shelby whispered tearfully, she reached for Rachel, but Rachel recoiled.
"I'm not your baby," Rachel hissed hatefully. "Stop calling me that." She stared balefully at Beth and
pointed emphatically. "She's your baby, not me."
"Rachel?" Beth whimpered, she held her arms out toward the brunette. "You don't like Beth no more?"
Rachel ignored her. "You're the one who wanted a perfect blond baby," she said. "I don’t know why
you're carrying on this pretence of wanting me."
"Honey," Shelby said softly. "Please. Don't do this. Tell Ashley you want to stay here. We can work
through this."
"You can't tell me what to do, Mommy," Rachel hissed.
Beth, sensing the agitation in the room began to cry.
"Rachel, let's go," Ashley said quietly.
"No!" Shelby cried out desperately. "No, you can't take her from me. Please don't take her!"
"It's out of my hands," Ashley told Shelby softly.
Rachel walked away. She tried to tune out the sound of Beth's plaintive crying and Shelby's keening
wails. As she walked out of her bedroom, she stopped by the hallways and living room to retrieve her
childhood pictures that Shelby took from her fathers' house to put into her own. Shelby had no right to
have these.
"No," Shelby pleaded. "No, Rachel. Don't do this. Please don't do this!"
Rachel ignored her and walked away. Walking away was much easier than she anticipated. No
wonder Shelby found it so simple-- it truly was a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.
She stumbled a little as she walked to her car. She couldn't believe she'd allowed herself to feel like
this was home. She started to cry, but she wiped at her eyes and scowled at herself in her rearview
mirror. She was going to be stronger now.
As she drove away, she saw Shelby stumbling out of the building, holding Beth, trying to run after her,
but Rachel just sped up.
--
Rachel followed her social worker's car in her own and parked outside a huge house in the ritzy part of
Lima.
Two women were outside the door, with their arms linked.
The dark-haired one pulled away from the blonde and practically ran to Rachel's car waiting for her to
get out.
Rachel was thoroughly weirded out. She got out of the car hesitantly.
The dark-haired, blue-eyed woman stared at Rachel for long moment with wide eyes.
"You're so grown up," she breathed, her words touched with an English accent.
Rachel shrugged.
"Rachel," the dark-haired woman murmured. "Do you remember us?" she asked softly, clutching at her
own heart and then pointing toward the blonde who was rapidly making her way over to them.
Rachel mutely shook her head.
The dark-haired woman was clearly disappointed, but she smiled broadly. "Allow me to make re-
introductions then," she said softly. "I'm Helena Peabody." She pointed to the blonde who was nearing
close. "That's Alice Pieszecki."
The blonde greeted her with a smile when she reached them. "Hi, little one. It's been a long time."
Rachel waved silently, but she followed her social worker into the house rather than her new foster
parents.
They signed some paperwork and then Rachel was left alone with Helena and Alice.
Helena gently took her by the arm. "The room is a little underprepared," she said apologetically. "We
usually take very young children, but when we heard that you were the one who needed the
placement…" Helena trailed off and she squeezed Rachel's hand. "I'm so sorry there was a necessity
for you to return. I'm so sorry to hear about your fathers and everything that's happened," she said
sincerely. "But I'm so happy to have you back."
Rachel swallowed hard. "Thank you."
They gave her a tour of the house. But she was shocked to see numerous framed pictures of her three
year old self still adorning the walls and tables. Helena and Alice were often in the pictures with her
and it was obvious she'd been very comfortable here. There were also tons of pictures of her with
older children. Rachel surmised these were Helena and Alice's own children.
Nothing seemed familiar, but then she was shown the room she would stay in and she found that it
was painted a light purple with three large gold stars decaled over the bed.
"Are gold stars still your thing?" Alice asked quietly. "This was your old room. We…we never had the
heart to repaint it."
Rachel wanted to laugh, because God, these people had clearly known her.
"We can redecorate it any way you'd like, of course," Helena murmured.
Rachel swallowed hard. "Gold stars are still my thing," she said quietly. "They're metaphors."
Helena nodded wisely. "And metaphors are important, of course."
Rachel gave her a small smile. "Yes."
This was her new life and she was okay with it. She had no other choice
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
jackykay
2012-01-17 02:12 pm (local)
Ahh, I saw this as soon as I woke up, and I usually wait to comment until I'm done reading the whole
thing, BUT you have L Word characters! Yay! Back to reading
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sulkygeekff
January 17th, 2012
Quinn had heard other people say that high school was the hardest period of their
lives, but she never thought she would be one of them. Outwardly, everything in her life had been
pretty good until she got pregnant. But things were never as good as they appeared to be.
She could admit that things in her life had been pretty rough since her sophomore year. Getting
pregnant, losing her father's love and approval, getting kicked out of her home, giving away Beth-- all
those things had nearly broken her. She knew she owed her mother a lot-- there was no way she
could have clawed her way back up to the top if her mother hadn't allowed her to come home.
Most people knew she'd kind of lost her mind for a bit at the start of senior year, but the pink hair, Ryan
Seacrest tattoo and sad ass piercings were behind her in most people's memories. She'd managed to
claw her way out of the funk she was in. Maybe she wasn't at the top anymore, but she didn't want to
be. She was happy where she was.
She was happy with her grades, with Yale, with her relationship with her mother, with Rachel, with
Beth…she was finally happy.
And then everything kept getting ripped away from her again and again.
The night of Rachel's assault had been the hardest of her life. She still had nightmares of Rachel's
attack. She hadn't been there to witness the physical attack, but she'd witnessed part of the sexual
attack and she had nightmares of Rachel opening her eyes, seeing her and begging her for help.
She kept picturing large, meaty hands striking into her girlfriend's delicate flesh, hard enough to break
facial bones and require reconstructive surgery. The idea that someone had kicked and punched
Rachel's torso hard enough to not only break two ribs, but cause internal bleeding in her stomach and
rupture her bowel was unthinkable.
She heard Rachel's screams in her sleep. She had frequent nightmares of Rachel's rape. She kept
hearing Rachel begging for help and Quinn would wake up crying because she knew she'd walked
away. She still had dreams of a baby crying, and she woke up with her heart racing to soothe the child
back to sleep. But now she had dreams of Rachel screaming for help and being unable to find her. In
her dreams, she could hear a man's grunts as he thrust into Rachel. She could hear the way his fists
beat into Rachel's soft flesh. She could hear Rachel pleading for his mercy and begging for her help.
But even in her dreams, Quinn couldn't do anything.
She'd wake up, her heart racing, looking around wildly for Rachel. She needed Rachel desperately in
those moments, but of course, Rachel was with Shelby and it wasn't as though Quinn had an open
invitation there.
Rachel's recovery had been brutal and Quinn had never felt so helpless or hopeless in her life. No
matter what Rachel said, Quinn knew it was all her fault. She walked away. She left Rachel behind.
Rachel nearly died because of her. Frequently, she felt so guilty, she threw up until her stomach was
empty and nothing but yellow bile came up. Sometimes, the guilt felt so heavy, she wanted to die.
She could both see and feel Rachel wasting away. Rachel lost weight, she was silent and it was like
she was willing herself to disappear. Every pound Rachel lost, every time Rachel shrugged
apathetically instead of spoke, every time she used a one-word response instead of a lengthy
monologue was like a nail in Quinn's coffin. She knew something had changed in Rachel. Something
vital had been ripped from her and since Quinn walked away when she could have stopped it, she
knew she had to help Rachel get it back. Quinn doubted she could live with herself if she didn't help
Rachel get it back.
Rachel claimed she didn't blame her, but Quinn blamed herself. The words Shelby screamed at her
reverberated in her memory. She remembered Shelby screaming 'how could you just leave my
daughter behind like that, you stupid, stupid little girl! You stupid, heartless child! Do you think she
would have ever left you behind?! What were you thinking?! Look at what he did to her! Look at her!
Stop looking away! Open your eyes and look at her!' When Shelby said it, Quinn desperately wanted
to defend herself, to refute what Shelby was saying, but Quinn knew Shelby was right. So all she could
do was cry.
Rachel's recovery had been brutal and difficult for both of them, though Quinn would never admit, not
even to herself how difficult it was for her. She felt like she had no grounds-- it was Rachel who was in
such immense physical pain, she could barely stand to be conscious.
But Quinn couldn't sleep, she couldn't eat, she couldn't think. Seeing Rachel in so much pain, seeing
her suffer that much and knowing that she could have prevented it, she could have stopped it, killed
Quinn, slowly.
Quinn thought about ending everything more than a few times. She'd gaze into her mother's liquor
cabinet, think about the leftover Vicodin her mother had in her medicine cabinet from a wisdom tooth
extraction four years ago and thought she could finally find peace. She thought about driving her car
off a bridge, into a concrete wall, into a tree. She thought about stepping off into oncoming traffic. She
thought about jumping off a building. She opened her razors and took out the blades and thought
about how easy it would be to trace the veins in her wrists. She'd come close to doing that more than
she could count.
Knowing Rachel suffered because of her inaction, because of a ridiculous belief Rachel could cheat on
her, knowing she walked away and left Rachel to be brutalized, Quinn just wanted to die. She might as
well have done it to Rachel herself. Whoever did it deserved to die, and Quinn knew she deserved just
as much culpability, so she deserved to die, too.
That night in the hospital, when she'd confessed her sin to Rachel, and Rachel told her to get out,
when she'd believed Rachel held her (rightfully) responsible for her assault, Quinn almost laid out in
the hospital parking lot to await a car running over her.
But Quinn knew, no matter what, she owed Rachel.
So despite how tempting it became to just end things, Quinn knew she could not be that selfish.
Because she needed to make Rachel better.
It was so hard. Quinn knew it would be-- how could it have been anything other than hard? But she'd
never seen Rachel so defeated and broken. Quinn had known Rachel since they were in daycare, and
Rachel had never been anything but cheerful and optimistic.
The attack shattered Rachel--not just her bones, of course, but something that set Rachel apart from
all the other girls on the planet, the part of Rachel that made her Rachel Berry, goldstar. Quinn thought
it was possible she'd never get Rachel back. That it was too much for one person to handle and that
Rachel had already been through too much.
And then, miraculously Rachel did get better, though it was not without setbacks. And Quinn felt hope
again.
But Quinn had found that hope was temporal.
That day in the shopping mall when Rachel was so upset, she needed to be carried to the car, Quinn
thought it was just going to be a small setback. But then Rachel sent her away, again and again.
Rachel had only sent her away once before, but then Rachel asked for her again within a few hours.
This time, day after day, Rachel rejected her and Quinn could not understand it. If Rachel didn't reject
her after she'd already confessed to walking away when Rachel needed her, why would Rachel reject
her when things were getting better?
She had such horrific nightmares where she woke up convinced Rachel was being held prisoner by
her attacker and completely at his mercy. She woke up with Rachel's pleads for help reverberating in
her mind. She woke up every morning needing to see Rachel to make sure Rachel was truly safe.
Quinn could not handle being turned away. She needed to see with her own eyes that Rachel was
truly okay.
She started to assume that Shelby had something to do with being turned away. It made sense to
Quinn. Shelby had Beth, but Shelby wanted Rachel, too. And once Rachel started to live with Shelby,
Quinn knew she was no longer necessary for Shelby. She'd always thought it was only a matter of
time before Shelby would try to cut her out, and when too many days passed without seeing Rachel,
Quinn just assumed the worst.
She knew it was unconscionably stupid to get drunk and drive to Shelby's condo, where her daughter
and girlfriend were likely getting much needed sleep, but she couldn't handle the rejection, and so she
processed it as Shelby deliberately withholding Rachel and Beth from her.
She never imagined the repercussions of her drunken ranting and accusations, but looking back on it,
she couldn't foresee any other consequence.
The benefit of hindsight was always 20/20.
--
She knew Rachel moved out of Shelby's house and into a foster home, but she remained at McKinley.
Rachel came back to school on Thursday. The sight of her girlfriend made Quinn's eyes prickle with
tears.
Quinn saw Rachel at her locker before first period and rushed to her. "Rachel, can I talk to you?"
Quinn asked, her voice wavering.
"You're doing that now," Rachel said flatly. "So that proves you are physically capable, and therefore,
you can. But no, Quinn. You may not talk to me." She got the books she needed out of the locker and
shut it. "Stay away from me."
Quinn put her hand on Rachel's back and felt Rachel tense up. Quinn pulled her hand away quickly.
"Don't touch me," Rachel said. "Don't touch me, ever."
Quinn swallowed hard, she wiped at her eyes. "Just let me explain," she pleaded. "I'm not the horrible
person you think I am."
"I don't think you're a horrible person, Quinn," Rachel said lowly. "I'd never believe that about you."
Quinn felt hope rise up. Maybe Rachel would tell her all she needed was time and then things could be
okay.
"But you're devious," Rachel said flatly. "I can't trust you."
Quinn's heart dropped. "Please don't say that," Quinn whispered. "I love you."
Rachel sneered at her. "Why can't I say it?" she asked. "It's true."
"Rachel--"
"You wanted things to go back to what they were, didn't you? So, you get your wish. Go back to
ignoring me, go back to tormenting me, do whatever you wish, Quinn. But don't ever tell me you love
me again. Because you're a manipulator and a liar. You never really loved me--" Rachel's voice
caught. "At all." Rachel's face twisted with grief and anguish, before she became expressionless. She
gave Quinn a final glare, spun around and stalked away.
--
Her mom indulged her depression for two weeks, but once it started to become harder to get out of
bed and she stopped taking showers on a daily basis, her mother dragged her kicking and screaming
to a therapist.
She was legally an adult, so no one could force her to do anything, but her mother made it very clear
that therapy was only voluntary in theory.
Judy had tried to push Quinn into therapy before. Right after Rachel was assaulted, Judy had gently
pushed Quinn into meeting a therapist, but Quinn had flatly denied the request because it was Rachel
who needed help, not her. Who was she, Quinn wondered, to seek out help, when Rachel was the one
struggling just to breathe.
--
Quinn sat across from her therapist and crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at him
expectantly.
He smiled at her. "What's on your mind, Quinn?"
She jutted her chin out defiantly. There was nothing in her life he could fix. She didn't have her baby,
she didn't have Rachel. If talking could bring either of them back to her, she'd flap her lips to the end of
time. But talking wouldn't bring either of them to her..
"Therapy is quackery," she informed him calmly. Her father always said therapy was for the weak and
that it was just quackery.
Her therapist just smiled at her.
--
Her first two sessions with him were mostly silent. 'She'd used that as an example of how he was a
quack to her mother and her mother deposited pages and pages from therapeutic journals about
'therapeutic silence' in front of her. Quinn thought that was ridiculous.
On the third session, he passed her a leather-bound journal.
"So you aren't a talker," he said with an easy smile. "That's okay. But it might help to write things
down."
She looked at him suspiciously. "Do I have to show it to you?"
"Only if you want to."
She took it from him. "Thanks."
--
She drew in it more than she wrote in it. The first few pages were filled with sketches of Beth and
Rachel and then they started to become filled with sketches of the three of them together. They were
never doing anything extraordinary in these pictures-- she drew Rachel with a smile, always, because
it felt so long since she saw Rachel smile. She drew herself with Rachel and Beth doing the most
ordinary things-- sitting on a blanket at the park, playing in the snow, eating ice cream. Her desires in
life were nothing extraordinary. She didn't want to go to Europe. She didn't want to be an Oscar-award
winning actress. She didn't want rose petals on the bed spreads of expensive hotel rooms or hot-air
balloon rides. She didn't want songs written about her or to be the stuff of legends-- she just wanted
her girlfriend and daughter back, and yet, those two things were the most elusive.
School became especially soul-crushing for Quinn, because Rachel stayed enrolled at McKinley after
she moved out of Shelby's house. This was a small mercy in some ways because Quinn had been so
certain that Rachel would dis-enroll, but heart-wrenching in other ways because Rachel refused to talk
to her.
Seeing Rachel used to be life-affirming, but having Rachel blatantly reject her-- to stare at her with
such revulsion and hatred was life-negating.
And worst of all, Rachel was like a ghost in the school. She was getting worse. Quinn could see it with
her own eyes, but she was helpless to stop it.
Rachel had already been unnervingly subdued after she returned from her attack, but she became
even less of a presence after she found out about the deal between Quinn and Shelby. Rachel did not
speak in class, she did not speak to anyone at length other than Mike, and by extension, Tina. She
was cordial to the other gleeks, but she outright ignored Quinn when she could and was icily polite
when she couldn't.
One day, Quinn happened to run into Rachel at Target. They were both buying shampoo.
"Hi," Quinn greeted quietly.
Rachel just stared at her and walked away.
Quinn went home that day and sketched Rachel's portrait into an empty page in the journal her
therapist gave her.
'Her silence breaks my heart,' she wrote.
She didn’t write long treatises of her wishes, hopes or regrets. She wrote very plainly how she felt, and
all she could feel was her broken heart.
--
Rachel became even less participatory in glee, and it had its impact. Rachel participated as necessary,
but without any enthusiasm. She didn't volunteer any ideas, she didn't nag Mr. Schuester about his
ridiculous plans, didn't compete for any solos, didn't castigate anyone for lackluster participation and
didn't encourage everyone with cheery pep talks to be their very best.
She'd been different once she came back, but at least she'd tried to put everyone at ease, by giving
everyone small smiles and was quietly enthusiastic about assignments.
Now, there was nothing.
--
When it came time to decide on a set list for Regionals, no one could agree upon a set list.
Quinn glanced at Rachel who sat, hunched, in the far back. She kept waiting for Rachel to give a
suggestion, but Rachel was silent, her expression so far away. Quinn thought Rachel must have so
much on her mind.
The room was engulfed by the sounds of everyone fighting amongst one another as they shot down
one another's song ideas. Since Rachel was no longer the convenient scapegoat for allegedly stealing
solos, the others fought amongst each other.
"Guys!" Mr. Schuester yelled, trying to quell the arguments. "We're a team. We're going to Regionals
as a team. It's all for one, and one for all."
The room stared at him for a moment and went back to their bickering.
"Santana! Mercedes!" Mr. Schuester snapped sharply, at the two worst offenders. "Stop it! We're a
team, we're a family. This is the time we need the most unity!" He glanced at Rachel and smiled.
"Don't you agree, Rachel?"
Quinn wanted to punch his butt-chinned face in. She realized that Mr. Schuester was kind of a dick to
Rachel. He ignored her when she had suggestions, rolled his eyes when she spoke and yelled at her if
she tried to seek out too much attention. But he was always quick to look to her for support if he felt he
didn't have the attention or support he needed from the rest of the club. Rachel was always quick to
back him up-- Quinn could think of hundreds of examples, but she tried to think of one time when Mr.
Schuester supported or defended Rachel and Quinn came up empty.
The room looked to Rachel, who simply shrugged lethargically.
Quinn's heart sank. She desperately wanted Rachel to give one of her corny, but somehow rousing
speeches about team unity followed by a lecture on how they would need to decide on a set list
immediately in order to ensure adequate time to practice. But there was nothing.
Everyone looked around uncomfortably, and not knowing what to do with Rachel's apathetic silence,
immediately began to yell at one another again as they jeered at one another's song suggestions.
Desperately, Mr. Schuester called out to Rachel.
"Rachel, do you have any suggestions?" he called out.
Even when people didn't agree with her, she always had a laundry list of suggestions.
Once again, everyone looked to Rachel, seeming to hold their collective breaths.
Once again, Rachel simply shrugged in response.
The in-fighting continued and Mr. Schuester was frustrated with all of them, but he could not assert his
authority enough to quell the bad blood.
Quinn watched as Santana and Mercedes in particular sniped at one another, calling each other
everything from "Amy Winehouse," and "Weezy," to "Melissa Etheridge" and "Aretha." Quinn really
didn't see how any of those with the exception of 'Weezy' was really insulting, but whatever.
It took forever to formulate the set list. And after weeks of bickering, Mr. Schuester gave up the illusion
that glee was a democracy and chose the set list himself based upon who was the most cutthroat in
trying to get the solo, not who practiced the most.
In the end, they'd been underprepared.
At Regionals, Santana and Mercedes each had solos, Blaine and Kurt had a duet and they had one
group number per usual.
Quinn didn't think they were that bad, considering. Santana sang a cover of 'Chasing Pavements' by
Adele that brought her to tears, not that she would ever admit to it. Mercedes sang 'Idea #21 (Not too
Late)' by Over the Rhine. Kurt and Blaine sang 'I and Love and You' by the Avett Brothers. Their group
number was 'Pride (In the Name of Love)' by U2.
Rachel's voice soared clearer and higher than any of theirs through the group number and Quinn could
see nearly the entire audience looked at Rachel as she sang. No matter what Rachel believed, Quinn
did not think Rachel's voice was one that should or could ever be silenced.
She should have been happy-- they were better than they anticipated, but she thought about how
happy and excited Rachel was for Regionals before everything happened. Always one to be over-
prepared, Rachel had floated Quinn ideas for a set list for Regionals months before they occurred. But
this was all before everything changed. Quinn wanted to cry as she thought about the way she'd
affectionately rolled her eyes every time Rachel made a suggestion for a song to sing at Regionals,
because nearly every song Rachel suggested was for a solo for herself. Quinn took it for granted back
then because she thought that was the way it was always going to be. She thought that was the way
Rachel was always going to be. She didn't think things could change so much so quickly, despite
knowing from her own experience that life could change before a person knew it.
She wished she could have heard Rachel sing 'Breakaway' by Kelly Clarkson. It wasn't a serious
suggestion-- Rachel had laughed when she said it. "It's far too literal to my experiences," she'd joked.
But Quinn would have given anything in the world to hear Rachel sing it at Regionals because it was
just so hopeful and Rachel seemed so hopeless.
They placed third. Vocal Adrenaline took first place, which added insult to injury. The Warblers from
Dalton took second.
It would have been okay if they'd all tried their best, but they weren't at their best and everyone knew
it. The mood in the green room as they changed from their costumes to regular outfits was dark and
gloomy.
The loss made them ineligible for Nationals. It was all over.
But the worst part for Quinn was that Rachel didn't seem to care. She knew how much Rachel wanted
a National title under her belt, and how much she'd been counting on getting it this year. This was her
last chance at one and now it was gone and Rachel didn't care.
--
Quinn knew from Mike that Rachel was doing well with her foster parents, whom she'd already lived
with before. Quinn saw them both in the audience at Regionals, and wanted to go to them to ask how
Rachel was doing, but she didn't dare. She pictured Rachel finding her speaking to them and she
knew there would be no cautiously joyous reunion as Rachel reclaimed her rightful place in Quinn's
arms. Instead, Rachel would be dismissive and caustic, and so Quinn didn't try to talk to Rachel's
foster parents. They looked nice.
Quinn was glad to know Rachel was doing well with her foster parents and wasn't mistreated, but she
felt shattered that Rachel would choose to go into foster care, a fate she'd so desperately tried to
avoid, in lieu of staying with Shelby. Once again, Quinn knew she'd ruined Rachel's life.
She worried about Rachel constantly, and despite the fact Rachel wouldn't deign to acknowledge her,
Quinn watched Rachel carefully. She remembered the silent, brooding, anguished version of Rachel
she had while she suffered through a brutal recovery. Rachel had withered away almost to nothing.
She looked for a similar disturbance and she was relieved to find that though Rachel looked sad, she
also looked like she was taking care of herself. She wasn't losing weight, she didn't have dark circles
under her eyes and she wasn't completely nonverbal. She wasn't as loquacious as she used to be, but
she knew from passing Rachel in the halls at school that she wasn't using one to two worded
sentences either. She was still disconcertingly quiet, but not unnervingly silent.
Not too long ago, Quinn would have been insulted that Rachel seemed less fazed by the break-up
than she did, but now all Quinn wanted was for Rachel to feel better. She wished she could make a
deal with someone-- God, the Devil, Rumpelstiltskin, a Fairy Godmother, whoever, that she could
transfer any pain Rachel was feeling, however small or large, onto her. Because she knew Rachel
didn't deserve any of it.
She found herself staring at Rachel like some kind of creeper from a suspense movie. All she could
think was "please just look at me," but even when Rachel did hazard a glance, she seemed to look
right through Quinn which hurt even more.
She wasn't sure what was preferable-- to be ignored or to be acknowledged and hated.
--
The one bright spot in her life was Beth.
Quinn didn't think she'd still get to see Beth, but her weekly visits continued. She didn't even feel like
she deserved to be in Beth's life because it was her drunken, impatient outburst that drove Rachel
away. But for once, life seemed merciful. Not necessarily fair, but merciful.
"If it's one thing I learned from this," Shelby said quietly, her cheeks sunken in, her eyes haunted,
"Beth needs you in her life. I'm her mom," Shelby said, her voice and face hard. "But you have a role to
play in her life, you gave her life."
Quinn swallowed hard, clenched her jaw and put aside her pride in herself and resentment for this
woman, because this woman in front of her, who had a breathtaking resemblance to Rachel had given
the girl she loved, life.
"Thank you," Quinn whispered.
So the visits continued and she even got to take Beth out by herself. She could see Shelby was
struggling just as much as she was without Rachel, but Quinn couldn't find a way to comfort her when
she couldn't comfort herself.
She knew she only had herself to blame, but she couldn't help but blame Shelby, too.
She was playing with Beth in the sandbox at the park one day when Beth looked up at her.
"Quinn?"
"Yeah, baby?" Quinn asked tenderly.
"Where Rachel?"
Quinn swallowed the lump in her throat. "I don't know, baby."
"Her don't want to play with me?"
Quinn swallowed again. "She loves you, honey. Rachel wants to play with you."
"Her sad."
"I know," Quinn said quietly.
"I miss Rachel."
"Me too, baby."
Beth poked Quinn in the knee and looked up at her with wide, innocent eyes. "You hide Rachel from
Beth?"
Quinn's vision swam with tears. "No, Bethie. I'm not hiding Rachel."
"Want Rachel," Beth said pouting.
Quinn forced a smile. "Me too."
--
Of everything she'd ever done to Rachel that could be considered cruel-- the Slushies, the bullying and
the name-calling, making that deal with Shelby was the least spitefully motivated.
Quinn couldn't believe that was the thing that would break them up.
When she'd bullied Rachel, it'd always been with the intent to cause grief.
But when she made that deal with Shelby, she'd only wanted to spend time with Beth. She knew she
was using Rachel, but they'd been friends and her motivations were never to hurt Rachel.
Rachel had already forgiven her for so many unforgivable things, Quinn couldn't understand why
Rachel couldn't forgive her for this one last thing.
Unable to help herself and finally succumbing to the mind tricks of her therapist, Quinn expressed that
thought out loud.
Dr. Ryan looked at her ruefully. "You can't control the actions of others," he told her quietly.
It was the most serious that her goofy therapist ever got with her.
'God, what a quack,' she thought to herself. That was her beef with therapists-- none of them could tell
her anything she didn't already know. She was better off going to a palm reader, psychic or tarot card
reader.
--
With the school year drawing to a close-- there was only another three weeks of school left, Quinn
knew she was running out of time.
She wasn't going to strong-arm Rachel into talking to her. She could never do that to Rachel. But she
needed a chance to explain her actions.
She settled on a letter.
Dear Rachel,
If you're reading this letter, that means you didn't rip it up once you saw that it was from me. Thank you
for hearing me out.
I'm sorry about everything, Rachel.
I was so selfish, but please understand, when I made that deal with Shelby, it was never to hurt you.
She wanted to spend time with you and I understood that. I wanted to spend time with Beth for the
same reasons, I think.
But it wasn't all about that. I wanted to spend time with you. I fell in love with you, which I know makes
it sound like it was accidental. Like I tripped and fell into some puddle or whatever. But it wasn't like
that.
It's hard not to fall in love with you.
You're amazing and kind. No one ever made me feel loved the way you do, not even my own family.
Do you remember when you baked me cookies just because I caught Cow? Or when you gave me
your dad's Yale pennant? I'll give it back to you, I promise. Do you remember when you taught me the
Yale fight song? Do you remember making me BLT sandwiches and non-vegan cookies, even though
you were going to eat neither? Do you remember buying me chocolate covered bacon or making me
bacon popcorn?
I used to think it was anal the way you'd want me to text you when I got home, but now I think it was
just because you cared about me and because of the way you lost your dads…(I'm sorry if that was
too blunt).
I guess my point is, I have way too many examples of how good I had it with you, stuff that you
probably don't even remember anymore because it was just a part of who you are. I took you for
granted and I was selfish, but I never meant to hurt you.
I'm sorry, Rachel.
I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to get you to look at me the way you used to or for you
to see that I'm not this horrible, devious person. I guess, maybe I am. But I wanted to be good to you.
I'm always screwing things up-- it seems to be my forte.
I just missed her. I missed Beth so badly, I wanted to die. All I could do was think about her, how she
felt in my arms at the hospital. How she smelled before I put her down thinking I'd never get to hold her
again. All I could think about was her. I'd dream about her. I'd wake up at night and hear her crying.
Everything hurt so much and I just needed to see her even though I knew I wasn't going to be her
mother.
I never meant to hurt you. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm so sorry for being selfish, but I never
lied to you about how I felt about you.
I know you don't love me anymore. Maybe you just can't bring yourself to love someone like me
anymore, I don't know. I could understand that. But I know that I love you, and I wish nothing but the
best for you. If you ever need me, you know how to reach me. You can always call me, day or night. If
you ever need me, I'll be where you need me. And if you don't…well, I'll be the girl in the audience
cheering you on, clapping the loudest and the hardest.
I know you'll have the world at your feet before you're 25, just like you always planned.
I guess I should be relieved that we're done because I would have screwed it up somehow anyway,
the way I always do. But I really, really want to hold onto you and if there's any way you could ever
forgive me and take me back, please let me know. Please find me.
I love you,
Quinn
Quinn slipped the letter into Rachel's locker without any real hope the brunette would read it. But it was
the most honest thing she'd ever written. She thought she would feel free or lighter or something after
she was able to cop to her feelings. But she didn't. She felt weighed down and depressed. She felt the
loss of Rachel more acutely than ever.
She kept hoping every day for a response or some kind of indicator that Rachel read her letter. But
there was nothing.
Then one day, a week later, she found a note, folded four times, into a tiny little square, slipped into
her locker.
She recognized the handwriting immediately. Rachel's handwriting had always surprised her, because
it was surprisingly sloppy for someone so meticulous.
Quinn's heart beat faster. It was too long to simply be a 'fuck you,' but she wondered if she was going
to get a laundry list of her faults. Would the entire letter just be one curse against her after another?
She doubted she'd be able to handle it if it was.
She hesitated before allowing herself to read it.
Dear Quinn,
I understand where you are coming from. I understand where both you and Shelby were coming from.
But I can't be around either of you right now. I have so much I need to sort out and I can't do it with
either of you around. I don't want to hurt you or my mother. I loved you both. But I can't trust either of
you anymore.
I'd really like for you to keep my dad's pennant. He always said it brought him good luck and I hope it
brings you luck, too. I only want good things for you.
I know we will be seeing each other around-- once you graduate from Yale, I'm sure you will move to
New York and go out on auditions. I'm certain I will see you around, although we will be unlikely to go
out for the same roles considering our appearances are quite opposite and your voice is still fairly thin
and occasionally pitchy when compared to mine-- though I've seen a great deal of improvement in that
arena over the past three years, Quinn.
I don't know what my feelings are for you anymore, but I know I've never wished you ill. Well, with the
exception of when we were both pursuing Finn. And please do not point out that at the time you
actually had him. I wish nothing but the best for you as well.
Please always remember that you are so much more than a pretty face. You will always be more than
that. You wouldn't have screwed us up-- things just happened this way. You aren't a screw-up, Quinn,
you are, and have always been, more than you give yourself credit for. I told you once that you're
beautiful, but you are more than that. I meant it and I still mean it.
Thank you for all the support you gave me over the past few months-- they were the worst in my life
and I would not have survived without you. It proved to me, and I think it should prove to you, how kind
you are.
But I think it's time we go our separate ways. I'd prefer it if you don't try to talk to me anymore. If you
ever really need me, of course, I'll hear you out. But I don't think we were ever very close. Our entire
relationship was based on a fabrication, and though I know you were there for me when I needed you
most, I can't get the fact so much of our time together was a manipulation. The foundation of our
relationship was not a good one and it was destined to fail. I suppose it's better that it ended this way
before it got more serious and we built out futures on lies.
I wish you health, wealth, success and most of all, love. But I don't think any of those things will be with
me.
--Rachel
Quinn refolded the note and pressed her forehead against the locker next to her. She took a deep
calming breath. That went better than expected, but worse than she wanted. She willed herself not to
cry. It just seemed so final. She slipped the note into her purse, took another deep breath, shut her
locker and walked to her next class with her head held high. With Rachel sitting next to her, it was
fairly hard to do, but she managed.
She lasted the school day, but she went right home from school and got into bed.
She stayed there until her mother came into her room to call her down to dinner and found her crying
and re-reading Rachel's letter for the umpteenth time. With the weight of everything, Quinn confessed
everything to her mother a week ago.
"I'm sorry, Quinnie," Judy whispered.
"I love her mom," Quinn sniffled. "I love her. I don't know how I'm going to survive without her," she
said, her voice cracking.
"You'll see, you can get used to anything," her mother told her gently.
Quinn wasn't sure about that.
--
The remaining weeks until graduation passed quickly.
At graduation, Quinn saw Rachel's foster parents and foster siblings obnoxiously gathered in the front
row.
"Helena," she heard the blonde one say. "You promised you wouldn't hire a videographer again!"
"Alice, a child only graduates from high school once," the brunette with the British accent replied. "I
should not be faulted for wanting to commemorate a momentous occasion, darling."
"Helena, you hired an entire team to film one graduation ceremony!"
"I did it for Wilson, Jun Ying and Dana," Helena said defensively. "How could I not do it for Rachel,
too?"
Alice looked around. "Oh my God, did you hire caterers? You hired caterers! Goddammit, Helena.
People are going to think we're feeding them when we're just feeding your video crew!"
Quinn listened as the family continued to squabble lovingly amongst one another. The mothers argued
with one another and the adult children chimed it. It was clear from the way they addressed one
another and spoke about Rachel (evidently referred to as 'the baby' by the entire family) that her
former girlfriend was in a good place. But Quinn could not help feel that Rachel belonged with her, not
them.
Shelby was at the graduation ceremony with Beth primarily to support Quinn, but Quinn saw Shelby
eyeing Rachel's foster parents, clearly jealous. Her heart went out to Shelby. She also thought that
Shelby must know what it felt like now to see one's child be parented by someone else and have that
fact shoved in her face. But Quinn realized maybe she was growing as a person because even though
that was her first thought, she mostly felt really bad for Shelby.
--
After the ceremony, Quinn stood with her mother, Shelby and Beth in one corner of the auditorium.
Everyone around her was so excited, but Quinn just couldn't feel it.
Rachel happened to walk past with her foster family on their way out. Rachel nodded at them in
acknowledgement, but passed them silently.
--
So, that was it.
They graduated and Quinn knew she should be happy, but it didn't feel like such an accomplishment.
She would be leaving Lima soon, which she'd always wanted. She'd be at Yale, only 80 miles away
from Rachel, but it may as well be 80,000.
Quinn spent the summer anti-climactically. She got to see Beth at least three days a week, but mostly
she hung out with Santana and Brittany who mercifully did not ask about Rachel. Mike gave her
occasional reports about Rachel's well-being, assuring her that Rachel was beyond okay, touring
Europe with her foster parents, apparently.
The summer passed quickly, which was kind of a good thing. Her mother drove her crazy by waking
her overly early in the morning to tell her about this or that new thing she'd purchased for the dorm.
She tried to be patient because she knew her mother was coming from a good place.
When her mother dropped her off at Yale, Quinn felt like maybe she was finally getting the fresh start
she'd needed since sophomore year of high school.
mjacton
2012-01-19 05:48 pm (local)
This chapter was interesting to me because your description of Quinn's suicidal thoughts seem to
indicate she more actively thought about committing suicide. Whereas, Rachel merely wished she had
died or would die.
Either way, both their lives suck at this point. Hopefully, it'll get better.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-20 12:43 am (local)
They do! I did not want to end this on a down, sour note
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sulkygeekff
January 17th, 2012
Rachel really liked her foster parents, Helena and Alice, despite the fact they were
both a little intense, which was a difficult button to ping with her.
She could tell that they actually really loved her once, but they loved her when she was three, so who
knew if they could love the seventeen year old version of her. Their whole family still referred to her as
'the baby' as in 'who's going with the baby to her doctor's appointment?!'
She didn't bother redecorating the room because she didn't think she'd be there that long, but she
appreciated their repeated offers to take her shopping to do so.
Helena and Alice's three adult children came home during her first weekend there and they had a
small, private 'welcome home' party on her behalf, though she did not feel like she was returning
home. They all seemed to remember her vividly.
Wilson and Jun Ying were both ten years older than she was, and were Helena's children with her ex-
partner, Winnie, who was no longer in the picture. Jun Ying was adopted while Wilson was conceived
through in vitro fertilization. They were only four months apart and were raised as twins. But Wilson
was huge-- at least 6'4" and solidly built. He'd picked Rachel up and swung her around, inspiring a
brief round of terror in her before his mothers scolded him and he set her down. By contrast, Jun Ying,
was even smaller than she was and greeted her with a wry "hey."
Dana, a daughter whom Helena and Alice conceived together, was 21 and a junior at Harvard. She
was the spitting image of Alice, but she seemed more serious, like Helena.
Rachel couldn't remember them at all, despite the fact she saw a few photographs featuring all of them
together. Her three year old self looked happy in those photos, and it should have put her at ease, but
instead she cursed her traitorous heart. Her fathers were in agony while she was in foster care when
she was three, but there was she, grinning at the zoo and practically inhaling ice cream cones while
two strangers grinned down at her.
She knew she couldn't be expected to remember them-- she was only three when she lived with them
and it was only for a couple months. But she hated seeing how disappointed they all were that she
couldn't remember. They were good to her, so she felt the need to reciprocate.
They were so kind to her, she couldn't believe her fathers would ever say these people mistreated her.
She knew her fathers had to have their reasons, but she wished she could ask her fathers why they
lied to her and why they made her so afraid of everyone other than them for her entire life. They made
her so afraid of the world that once they were gone, she couldn't bring herself to ask for help and while
she'd learned the hard way that the world was, in fact, very cruel, she'd discovered through Helena
and Alice's altruistic kindness that the world wasn't the snakepit her parents led her to believe it was.
--
It turned out her social worker's dire predictions of delaying her emancipation were exaggerated. It was
delayed, but only slightly.
Helena and Alice started discussing filling for legal guardianship or adoption right away which could
terminate the court's jurisdiction without emancipating her. It would be ideal for most situations-- she
was still a minor after all. But Rachel barely knew them and thought that was way too soon-- it was
clear to Rachel they were carrying around baggage from when she was three when they'd wanted to
adopt her and she was sent back to her rightful place with her fathers.
Since she had no legal parents, she was considered legally freed, so an adoption could be expedited,
but Rachel couldn't do that to the memory of her fathers. Knowing what she knew now, she had more
questions about her fathers than ever, but she still loved them. They were all she could ever remember
knowing as parents and she just could not consent to an adoption knowing it was basically legally
negating their existence as her parents.
She respected Helena and Alice even more when they both seemed to understand this once she told
them.
"Our home is always open to you, no matter what," Helena said quietly.
Living with them was easy, but Rachel missed Shelby and Quinn. She even missed Beth.
However, she simply could not look at Shelby or Quinn without thinking about how they'd made a deal.
Like she was some object, and she was just so tired of feeling objectified, like this thing. She was
grateful to them for everything they did for her, for all their support, but she couldn't be around them,
couldn't even think about them without feeling betrayed and angry.
Once she moved out of Shelby's house, her therapist declared that she was depressed, set her up
with a psychiatrist who gave her a prescription for an anti-depressant that dulled everything. Helena
and Alice initially both objected to medicating her, but Rachel quietly informed them that it was all right.
Rachel considered the possibility she should have been medicated a long time ago.
She spent the weeks between moving out of Shelby's home and the end of the school year in a fog,
but that was okay with her because there wasn't much left to go, and none of it mattered anyway. She
liked the fog because it kept her from feeling anything extreme.
Sometimes, when she heard everyone sniping at one another in glee as everyone competed for solos,
she wanted to interject, but she remembered how her opinions were never appreciated and speaking
up had only made her a target.
She didn't want to be a target anymore. She didn't even really care anyway, it was just that their
bickering gave her low-grade headaches.
She wished she could care that New Directions didn't win at Regionals, which made them ineligible for
Nationals, but she didn't. She once loved glee, but she was weary and needed a break. She realized
she loved the idea of glee more that the actuality of glee. She loved the idea that glee, by definition,
was opening oneself up to joy. And she had to admit, glee had brought her some of her highest highs.
But her love of glee was false-- she'd always been expendable to them, nothing special. Very few
people in glee ever truly cared about her until something bad happened to her, and when they
expressed their concern, it was only to get titillating gossip.
She loved a false thing, and she'd come to realized she had a habit of loving false things. It was a
habit she was determined to break.
--
She graduated high school with her perfect GPA intact, probably because all the teachers felt too sorry
for her to give her the grades she actually deserved considering all the school she missed.
Her emancipation was contingent on her graduation-- apparently, dependency courts around the
country preferred to hold off on emancipating its dependents until they earned a high school diploma
or equivalent. It became clear to everyone that Helena and Alice were willing to have Rachel in their
home even if they weren't being paid as foster parents, and so once they signed an affidavit indicating
they would be willing to have Rachel live with them even after emancipation, the Court terminated its
jurisdiction.
She was a high school graduate and she was legally recognized as an adult.
She spent the summer traveling-- Helena was a heiress, and so after graduation, Rachel spent the
summer touring Europe with her foster parents and her foster sister, Dana. Rachel thought it was way
too much, but Helena smiled at her and insisted. Wilson and Jun Ying, both gainfully employed, could
not come along. Rachel felt awkward that her foster parents were taking her on a trip to Europe that
two out of their three children weren't going on and tried to think of ways she could decline, though
she'd always wanted to go to Europe.
Helena was gently reassuring.
"Money comes and money goes. You don't spend money on objects, you spend money on people and
experiences. And Alice and I would love to give you this experience as your graduation present."
"Lots of people graduate from high school," Rachel pointed out.
"But not everyone graduates high school after living through what you did," Alice said gently. "Face it,
kid. You're kind of a superhero and superheroes get to go to Europe."
Then she started laughing. Alice Pieszecki laughed like a little kid and Rachel had to admit the sound
of her laughter was oddly touching.
After that, Rachel really didn't have a choice in the matter-- what else would she do?
She loved the experience, but she knew she didn't love it as much as she should have, which made
her feel like an ingrate, which only made her feel worse about herself.
She spent a lot of the time bickering with Helena and Alice about where she should live in the fall.
They had a penthouse in New York City which they offered up to her, but she was embarrassed by
their largesse and declined.
"You should live there!" Helena and Alice kept insisting. "It's better than living in some dorm!"
"Believe me, kiddo," Alice said, her eyes wide and her hands flapping for some reason. "I've lived in a
dorm. It's horrible. You'll be way better off at our place in the city."
"I agree with Alice, darling," Helena said.
Alice raised an eyebrow. "You've never lived in a dorm, what would you know?"
"I spent six weeks in a jail in France, darling," Helena said. "I think I would have a good idea of what
it's like to be in close quarters."
"Your cushy French jail had nothing on my first tiny ass dorm room."
"Well, my little pixie, you don't take up much space, so I'm uncertain why you were so unhappy.
Couldn't you have simply fit under someone's bed?"
"I'm only two inches shorter than you!" Alice snapped in outrage. "I'm cute, so I just look short. I'm 5'7!"
Rachel smiled. "You aren't 5'7" Alice," she teased. In truth, Alice was about the same height as Quinn,
so Alice probably was 5'7", but she truly did seem much shorter. She really did look like a pixie.
Alice clutched her hand over her heart. "Y tu, Rachel?" she asked dramatically. She swatted at
Helena's butt. "Look at what you did! You even turned the baby against me"
"The baby is just being factual, darling," Helena said, giving Rachel a wide, warm smile. "Please
consider living at the penthouse, sweetheart."
"Thank you," Rachel said sincerely. "But I'd rather just live in the dorms."
She didn't actually want to live with her peers-- the thought of living amongst so many people that she
didn't know filled her with anxiety. But these people whom she barely knew were just too kind to her.
The offer was heartwarming but way too much.
Alice gave her a key anyway. "Look, I know you don't want to stay there and you don't have to. But
sometimes you'll want to get away from the dorms. Believe me. So we want you to have a place you
can go to." The blonde grinned impishly. "Anyway, you'll be doing us a favor, we need someone to
check in to make sure there are no squatters."
Rachel laughed and took the key only to appease them. "Thank you."
They got back to Lima a couple weeks before NYADA was supposed to start so they could go back-to-
school shopping.
--
With her first day of college looming nearby, Rachel had two parents again. Helena and Alice treated
her the way Rachel knew her own fathers would have treated her. They were excessive with the back-
to-school shopping and worried way too much over things like the meal plan and dorm security,
although given her history, she was worried about the latter as well.
She couldn't sleep one night after a rather huge shopping excursion and wandered into the living room
where Helena was looking over grant proposals for the Peabody Foundation, of which she was the
head.
"Is it okay if I ask you some questions?" Rachel asked shyly, fidgeting and shifting her weight on her
feet.
Helena gently set her papers on the coffee table and patted the seat on the couch next to her. "Of
course it is. Do you want me to get Alice, too?"
"No, it's okay," Rachel said softly. She swallowed hard and sat next to Helena. "Did you really want to
adopt me when I was three?"
Helena's cheek twitched and she swallowed with difficulty. "We did," she said quietly. "Our children
were older and we didn't necessarily want a baby but we wanted a small child to fill our house again.
We fostered children, but most of them went home to their parents. We were looking for a child to
adopt."
Rachel trembled. "My social worker said…she said that when I was removed from my dads, it was for
physical abuse."
Helena nodded sadly. "That was the reason we were told," she acknowledged. "Ah," she sighed. "You
were so small when you came to us." She hesitantly reached out to touch Rachel's cheek, and Rachel
allowed it. Helena smiled. "You had welts on your back and I didn't understand how anyone could do
that to such a small child. The social worker who brought you to us told us you would be a good
candidate for adoption."
"But my dads weren't like that," Rachel said, almost desperate for Helena to believe her.
"Alice and I used to supervise your fathers' visitations before you went home with them," Helena
informed. "I could see that they loved you fiercely, and of course, you loved them. I do not think they
were abusive to you, darling. I think they thought someone took you and they were so relieved and
angry, they got carried about in their discipline. They were somewhat old-fashioned in that regard."
She sniffled. "I realized that Alice and I were under a misapprehension about your adoptability, but we
still held onto hope we would get to adopt you. We were happy for you when you were able to go
home to your fathers, but we wanted you, too." Helena's voice caught. "We wanted to maintain a
relationship with you, not necessarily as mothers, but in some type of maternal capacity, but your
fathers…were not receptive to that."
"Did they ever say why?" Rachel asked bleakly, because she just didn't understand what her fathers
had against mothers because she'd always wanted one growing up/
"No," Helena said quietly. "But I was under the impression they were very defensive as gay men about
their ability to raise a daughter without a female influence. My former partner, Winnie and I…and of
course, Alice and I, were very defensive about people who said Wilson needed a male influence."
Rachel grinned, because other than the occasional sweater vest that made Rachel think of Will
Schuester, Wilson Peabody was every bit the man's man. "Wilson is a man's man," she declared. Her
smile faded as she further contemplated what Helena told her. It did make sense that her fathers
would be rejecting of women in her life. She'd never brought up wanting a mother to them because she
never wanted to hurt them. She must have picked up on something unconsciously. They'd never told
her "you don't need a mother, you have us," but they did say "no one will love you more than us, we're
your parents."
Helena chuckled. "That he is." She gently stroked Rachel's hair. "One of your fathers did let it slip that
they had an issue with me in particular." She paused. "I believe they thought I resembled your
biological mother a bit too much."
They did kind of look alike, but not enough to say there was a strong resemblance. Rachel wondered
how far her fathers would have been willing to go to cut Shelby out of her life if they felt threatened by
women who even looked like her. She wanted to be angry, but in all honesty, she didn't. She was the
only family either of them really had and she was their only child. It was only natural that they would be
possessive of her. Rachel had to admit, if it weren't for Quinn, she wouldn't understand what it meant
to be attached to a child.
"My dads were good men," Rachel said quietly.
"I know they were," Helena said. "It's simply that we weren't meant to get along." She smiled tenderly
at Rachel, making the singer blush. "But no matter what you may believe of yourself or your place in
the world, please always remember, that you were wanted."
Rachel swallowed hard. "Okay," she said quietly.

--
Her psychiatrist weaned her off her medication before she started college, and this actually made her
feel better, like she was normal again.
Helena and Alice drove her to the dorm at NYADA. They helped her unpack, but they left before her
roommate arrived because she really didn't want to explain that Helena and Alice were her foster
parents. With the Court's jurisdiction terminated, they really weren't her foster parents anymore, but
they weren't her parents either. She was still trying to sort out who they were to her.
--
Something about the magic of New York City perked her up and her first couple months in college
were just as exciting and amazing as she thought it would be. She kept to herself mostly, but she
made a few new friends and she saw Mike, who was at Julliard, regularly. She was pretty fulfilled just
having Mike as a friend, but somehow, shy Mike Change forced her to branch out.
Still, she loved nothing more than when it was just her and Mike, going to a movie, going to a concert,
heading to a museum, strolling through Central Park or simply exploring the city. He'd always been so
kind to her and he just seemed so safe.
She saw Kurt around frequently, but she didn't try to engage him, though he tried a few times to talk to
her. It was nothing personal, just that he was a painful reminder of Lima and everything that happened
to her there. She missed him, but she knew it would hurt too much to be around him. She knew the
way she treated him wasn't right-- she hung out with Mike all the time, but somehow Mike wasn't as
painful a reminder of Lima as Kurt was.
Rachel knew she owed Mike a debt of gratitude, because half the reason she got to enjoy the city as
much as she did was because Mike cajoled and talked her into it. Seeing the city, and being a part of
the life there, invigorated her and lifted her out of the depression she'd sunk into since her attack. She
knew she was always meant for New York, not Ohio and she was glad she had Mike who pushed her
into exploring. Even after Tina called to gently break up with him because she was getting back with
Artie, he was still good to her. Rachel knew if it'd been her, she would be wallowing in self-pity,
certainly not a good friend to anyone. She knew then that she was lucky to have a friend like him.
She told herself she had to be done with drifting and she'd actually have to live her life again.
Sometimes this was harder to do than she wanted it to be, but she was trying to find peace. She would
just have to keep searching for her place in this world and she realized she'd been sad and afraid long
enough.
She pledged she was going to start wishing and dreaming again. She was going to start wanting
again. She forced herself to remember that she'd been the girl to pull a song out of her ass and carry
her team at Sectionals. She'd been so eager to tell the world 'Don't Rain on My Parade' back then and
she wanted to be that girl again. She was the girl who practiced that routine daily from the age of four
because she wanted things so badly. While other kids had play dates, watched TV, went on dates or
just vegged out, she wanted a shot at stardom and stage success enough to practice until she could
do routines in her sleep. She'd always been willing to work hard, to sacrifice. She'd always wanted
things, sometimes too much. And she wanted to be that girl again.
She'd convinced herself that what happened to her was her fault-- that someone targeted her because
she made herself a target. And then she thought back to her life in Lima, to the way she'd been
targeted and bullied since kindergarten.
But then she realized something. She deserved the solos because she worked harder. She worked
harder because she wanted it more. And anyone else who said she was greedy or annoying could
fuck themselves. She danced until her feet bled because she took pride in herself. Anyone who said
she was crazy could fuck off.
She had faults-- she was well aware of these, because no one had ever had any qualms about
pointing them out to her. But she knew that being a little annoying and clingy, being hypercompetitive
and attention-seeking did not mean she deserved getting bullied every day. She did not deserve being
called Manhands or Tranny and shoved into lockers. She did not deserve Slushies to the face, ruining
outfits her fathers lovingly bought her. She certainly did not deserve to be ridiculed in the one place in
the school, amongst the one group of people that she considered safe.
And she sure as hell did not deserve to be drugged, raped and sodomized. She did not deserve to be
assaulted to the point of requiring both life-saving and reconstructive surgery. She did not deserve to
be thrown from a moving car, left for dead. She did not deserve to have to crawl twenty feet to the
shoulder of the highway before giving up and laying down to accept her fate. She didn't deserve that.
What it all had in common was that people tried to silence her voice. And this time, she'd almost let it
happen. Some man she didn't even know nearly stole her voice. Nearly stole her life. And she was still
living, but she was letting him. She knew couldn't let him anymore.
Her heart was a broken thing, but she didn't have to be.
She was going back to who she was. She was ready. If it was a matter of sheer will, she would do it.
--
Alice and Helena visited her on that first college Thanksgiving and they spent it in the penthouse. It
was luxurious and amazing and she had second thoughts about refusing to stay there. Wilson and Jun
Ying were spending it with their girlfriends-- Wilson's apparently a nice girl he'd dated since he was ten
and Jun Ying's apparently the flavor of the week. Their other kid, Dana, decided to take an impromptu
road trip with friends instead.
Rachel couldn't be sure, but she got the sense that Dana, their youngest, and named after a cherished
deceased friend, was their favorite. It was just in the way Alice and Helena seemed particularly hurt
Dana didn't want to spend Thanksgiving with them. But then again, it didn't seem like they were the
type to play favorites.
--
Helena liked to cook so she made a lavish vegan Thanksgiving dinner.
Rachel wasn't very hungry-- she'd never had much of an appetite ever since what she referred to as
That Time. But she ate with gusto because she remembered how much she loved food once. Helena
went to the trouble of making a sumptuous vegan Thanksgiving dinner, and Rachel intended to show
her appreciation.
She ate until her stomach hurt, and she laughed because of it.
At first she ate mostly to be kind-- she didn't want to hurt Helena's feelings. But she found that as she
ate, she got her appetite back.
She found the pleasure in the simple things. There was pleasure in eating a lovingly prepared meal.
There was pleasure in being kind.
When she was little, back when her fathers were still alive, and she was strenuously bullied on the
playground of her elementary school, she wondered why she had to be the nice one, the kind one.
She'd even called her fathers out on it because she didn't see why she had to keep being nice to
people who were so mean to her.
Her father, Stuart, smiled and hugged her. "Because even if no one else is teaching their kids to be
good, that's how we're raising you. Because you're a better person than those kids, angel. People with
bad lives are usually that mean because they're so unhappy. But you have a very good life, and you
always will"
She'd never forgotten that. It was a simple way of saying 'just be nice and don't hit that kid back,' to an
irritated seven year old. But it stuck with her, especially because of Quinn Fabray. Quinn had always
been one of her primary tormentors, but Rachel had always recognized unhappiness in her. Ever since
middle school, there was a little piece of Rachel that cried out to erase the unhappiness from Quinn's
face. She'd had her chance, however brief, and even though she and Quinn weren't together anymore,
Rachel was glad for the time she had when she could make Quinn smile. She still wished she could, it
was just that…it was all still too painful.
Rachel had enough distance, both figurative and literal, from That Time to know that as decimated as
she'd been, she was also very lucky now. She had a good life, or at least, as good as it was going to
get for now. So she made an effort to be good to Alice and Helena, even if she didn't entirely feel the
connection, because they were kind to her. And it was Thanksgiving, and on Thanksgiving, a person
reflected on the blessings, not their curses.
--
The dorm closed for Winter Break, and she had nowhere to go except back to Lima to stay with
Helena and Alice. She could have stayed at their penthouse, but she could sense they wanted her to
come home to them, so she did.
Shelby sent her an email asking about her plans, but Rachel ignored it. She wasn't ready to
communicate with Shelby yet.
She could concede she may have been overreacting after finding out about Shelby and Quinn's deal.
But she just felt so betrayed and hurt and she had no way to manage those feelings other than to cut
them out completely.
--
On her birthday, she unexpectedly ran into Shelby and Beth while grocery shopping with Helena and
Alice to get some ingredients for a celebratory feast Helena intended to make-- Helena loved to cook
and would have become a chef if parental expectations hadn't nixed it. Rachel loved to bake and she
and Helena bonded over their shared love of baking pastries far too early in the morning.
Shelby and Rachel stared at one another. Rachel's heart raced.
"Rachel!" Beth practically screamed.
"Hi, Bethie," Rachel greeted quietly.
Beth began to wiggle in the cart, and waved her arms insistently toward Rachel.
Shelby pulled Beth out of the cart and Rachel held her arms out, silently gesturing.
Shelby paused for a moment, looking as though she wanted to cry and passed Beth to Rachel.
Rachel was rewarded with a slobbery kiss and a razzing raspberry to her neck.
Rachel laughed softly. "Beth."
"Rachel, Rachel, Rachel," Beth chanted burying her tiny face into Rachel's neck. "Miss you, Rachel."
Rachel could not respond to that, but she swallowed hard. "Hi Shelby," Rachel greeted politely when
she could bring herself to speak..
Shelby's eyes were wet. "Hi ba-- hi, Rachel. How are you?"
"I'm well," Rachel said. "How are you?"
"Good," Shelby breathed. "I--"
Rachel passed Beth back to Shelby. "We should get going," she interrupted.
Shelby swallowed hard. "Wait, please."
Rachel paused. "Yes?"
"Happy Birthday, honey," Shelby said softly.
Rachel smiled crookedly. "Thank you," she said simply.
Rachel's heart was still racing on the drive home. She missed Shelby. She missed Beth. And of
course, she couldn't think of either of them without thinking of Quinn. She missed Quinn.
She clenched her fist. She wasn't sure what to do.
"Darling," Helena said, turning around as she drove to look at Rachel.
"Oh my God," Alice said, smacking Helena on the shoulder. "Just watch the road. Please, just watch
the road!"
Helena frowned, but obliged. "Darling," she repeated. "Do you wish to invite your mother and your little
sister to the party tonight?" she asked gently.
"I don't know," Rachel said quietly.
"You only turn 18 once, darling. And your mother doesn't seem like such a bad person. If you would
like to invite them to the house to help us celebrate, I think that would be wonderful."
"I'll think about it," Rachel muttered.
--
She ultimately decided not to invite Shelby and Beth over. Instead, she had a quiet celebration with
Helena, Alice, their three children and Mike.
She knew Quinn was likely back in town, and she heard from Mike that Quinn looked radiant and that
thus far, the first few months at Yale really agreed with her. Rachel was happy for her, but she didn’t
feel up to seeing her former girlfriend.
Rachel worried about running into Shelby and Beth again, but she didn't. She worried about seeing
Quinn as well, but she didn't run into the blonde either.
A few days before she was supposed to go back to New York, Rachel mailed Shelby a letter. She
hoped it would give Shelby some closure, which Rachel knew she owed her mother.
Dear Shelby,
Thank you for everything you've done for me. I know you never meant to hurt me, but I AM hurt. I know
you didn't have any malicious intentions, but I feel betrayed and I'm not sure I'm ready to be around
you. I do think that someday there will be a place for us, I'm just not sure when and where that will be.
Thank you for being my mother and my mom. You gave me life which makes you my mother, and you
took care of me when I needed you, which makes you my mom. If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn’t
have survived. Quinn, Beth and Mike helped me a lot, too, but you gave me a place to stay and you
were there for me when I was at my worst. Please don't think I don't remember or appreciate
everything you did for me.
I'm sorry it's like this between us. I think I'm overreacting. I'm pretty sure I'm overreacting. But I don't
know how to stop feeling this way about you. I hope you know that I still think you're a good mom.
When I needed you, you made everything better and I thank you for that. I hope you know that I'm as
strong as I am today because you took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. I do love you,
mom. I'm just…figuring things out for myself. Please take care of yourself and my sister, Beth. And
please give Quinn a chance to be a part of Beth's life. I think you will find that Quinn is a better ally
than an enemy-- I know I did.
Thank you for everything.
Your daughter,
Rachel
--
Winter vacation passed by quickly, but Rachel was happy to get back to the city. She and Mike flew
back together and she fell asleep with her head on his shoulder. She woke up from a nightmare-- they
weren't as vivid or frequent anymore, but she still had them. She didn't wake up screaming from them
anymore, but they still unnerved her.
"Did you have a bad dream?" he asked her quietly. He turned his head and nuzzled her cheek with his
nose.
"Yes," she breathed.
"Try to go back to sleep, okay?" he said gently, reaching out across her lap to take her hand.
"Okay," she mumbled. She closed her eyes and snuggled into him.
She felt so safe.
--
When they were disembarking from the plane, Mike hefted his carry-on onto his back and carried her
carry-on in his right hand.
"You don't have to," Rachel protested.
"I want to," Mike said with a smile.
He followed her back to her dorm to ensure she arrived safely.
Once at the door, she leaned against the door and smiled up at him. He chuckled and tucked his
thumb under her chin, tilting her head back gently. Rachel's heart began to race. She really hadn't
done this with anyone in…so long. Even at the college parties she'd attended thus far, she'd had so
many opportunities, but never seized one. She didn't think she would ever be intimate with anyone
again. She could start living a life that resembled a normal human being's-- she could meet people and
be polite and magnanimous, she could go to a department store and not freak out over smelling a
particular cologne, she could joyously explore her adopted city; but in this aspect, letting a cute boy
kiss her, she felt damaged beyond repair.
"Is this okay?" Mike whispered, tenderly smiling down at her.
She swallowed hard. Her heart was beating so quickly, she thought she would pass out. Her back
started to sweat.
She wanted to say no, but then she thought, if she couldn't do this, now, with him, maybe she would
never bring herself to do this. And she wanted to be normal again. She wanted to be able to do this.
She wanted to be normal.
So, she nodded her head.
He smiled and brought his head close to hers.
She took a deep breath and shut her eyes.
He brushed his lips against hers and pulled back. He brought his fingers to her cheek. "Open your
eyes," he said gently
Rachel swallowed audibly and opened her eyes. She exhaled loudly, shakily and blushed because of
it.
Mike smiled at her. "Are you okay?" he asked tenderly.
She took a deep breath and nodded. "I'm great," she whispered.
She was trembling, afraid, confused, excited and thrilled. So maybe she really was kind of great.
--
Mike Chang was, by far, the best boyfriend she'd ever had
He was patient, kind, generous, faithful and understanding. She and Mike weren't very sexually active.
She loved him and the sex they did have was amazing, but one of the unwanted lingering effects of
her attack was that she had a lower than average sex drive.
In actuality, her sex drive was fine. All she had to do was look at him-- the veins in his forearms in
particular had unmentionable effects on her body. But a lot of the time, she just couldn't give herself
over to him.
They'd start to become intimate and then something would come over her-- something dark would
edge into her memory and she'd panic, even knowing he'd never hurt her.
Not many men would be patient with that, but Mike was.
--
Time passed in a blur for Rachel. She had a good amount of success at NYADA-- she was the lead in
many plays, shows and recitals, but she didn't kid herself into believing success in college meant
success in the real world.
But she was cautiously optimistic.
--
She was nearing the end of her junior year in college when she got a call from Detective Jennifer
Carver in Lima.
By then, the memory of that awful night was distant. She was still haunted by intermittent nightmares.
Sometimes, when she just woke up in a bad mood, she'd catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror and
see the faint scars on her face from the surgery to fix her facial fractures and would be filled with a
desire to punch out her reflection. It seemed so unfair she'd have to carry his scars with her forever.
The smell of that particular cologne, apparently fairly popular amongst men between the ages of 18-
40, could still throw her off balance, though it no longer sent her running through malls because she
felt hunted. She still couldn't watch any of the 'Law and Order' franchise. She once saw a particularly
graphic rape scene in a movie and had to excuse herself to throw up.
So, she had her good days and bad days.
She'd reconciled herself to that awful night, knowing she could never change it. It'd happened and all
the hurt that came with that night was as much a part of her psyche as the physical scars were of her
body.
She thought that it'd broken her-- for too long she felt broken. But she'd found that people tended
return to their own normals-- this was why habits were so difficult to break, why people continued to
speed even after being ticketed after a certain period of caution and why most people had a 'type'
when choosing romantic partners.
Rachel's normal was optimism, bossiness, know-it-allism and loquaciousness. This was who she was,
and despite all self-doubt, over the years after leaving Lima, Rachel found herself moving toward her
normal. She started to believe again that if it didn't kill her, it couldn't be that bad.
So, she was continuing in her slouch toward normalcy, uncertain if she'd ever really get there, or if she
was forever changed, when she got the call from the Lima Police Department.
A girl had been drugged and attacked, but this time, the girl's best friend was able to intervene.
They found him.
At least, they think they did.
--
She and Mike flew back to Lima. She went on auto-pilot and it was like she was outside of herself
watching an episode of 'Law and Order' with her as the victim of the week.
She and Mike saw him through the one-sided mirror while he lined up with other suspects. Even
though there were six other men, it was the sight of him that made her tremble. She wasn't even sure if
it was him-- she'd been so drugged that night, she never got a good, lucid look at his face. But
something about him made her fearful and when he stepped forward and then turned in profile, she
clutched onto Mike for support.
The man was tall, blond and built like a wrestler. He was much, much bigger than she was.
Rachel heard Mike whisper out a 'Jesus Christ,' when they got a closer look at him.
He looked vaguely familiar and Rachel realized she'd seen him around Lima. He'd been a few years
ahead of her in school and he worked at a hardware store. Rachel knew him best by reputation-- he
was one of those townies that hung out with high school kids and bought beer and hard liquor to the
parties. She never gave him much thought, ever. She hadn't even thought about him in years-- back
when the police hounded her about possible suspects, she never even thought about him. He'd been
that insignificant to her.
She couldn't identify him by solely by sight-- she just wasn't sure and it'd been so long. She wanted to
vomit when she realized that she could probably still identify him by the feel of him, by the smell of
him. She buried her face into Mike's chest and breathed in deeply.
Mike smelled like liquid Tide, Bounce sheets and Issey Miyake cologne. Rachel associated Mike with
clean cotton t-shirts, soft, worn jeans and warm men's cardigan sweaters from Urban Outfitters that
trapped the scent of his cologne.
Mike held her. "You okay?" he asked quietly.
She nodded against his chest.
He held her for a few minutes before she pulled away.
"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked softly. His voice wavered.
She couldn't speak, so she simply nodded.
Mike did this thing with his mouth-- he pulled his lips in, but he only did it when he was sad or upset.
The sight made her heart clench, because he got that look on his face any time she said something
that hurt his feelings, but mostly he looked like that when she knew he was worried about her.
It was strange because of all moments when someone should be worried about her, this was one of
them. But she didn't want him to worry because she desperately needed to believe that it would all be
okay.
"I know that guy," Mike said quietly to officers and the ADA. "He was at the party that night. I
remember him because I've always thought he was a creep." His voice quivered. "But I thought he was
a harmless creep," he whispered.
He looked like he was going to cry, so Rachel wrapped his arms around his waist and squeezed. Mike
tightened his hold around her shoulders and pulled her closer.
She hoped it was over.

--
After she identified him, she went back to New York with Mike and tried to go back to her life. The
state of Ohio still needed time to build its case, so there would be time for her to have to go back.
The world seemed right to her again-- time could pass by, but a person couldn't outrun his crimes.
Justice could be served.
Once again, her life was taken over by the acts of that night as she had to relive it all over again for the
police, once again, and then with ADA Jennings, who was representing the state of Ohio against her
attacker.
Its secondary effect was putting her in contact again with Quinn and Shelby.
--
She'd kept track of Quinn over the internet.
Mike and Quinn were still Facebook friends, though they did not speak because Mike was respectful of
Rachel's feelings about Quinn. Still, Rachel found herself periodically asking Mike if she could use his
Facebook account despite having one of her own. She knew he knew what she was up to, but he
never called her out on it and she was grateful.
Rachel read through Quinn's status updates, browsed her profile and looked through albums. Quinn
looked beautiful-- Rachel thought it was impossible for Quinn not to look stunning.
Rachel also followed Quinn's career-- she was apparently doing very well at Yale and was a star in the
Drama Department. Quinn snagged the lead role in a number of Yale productions and Rachel and
Mike had more than once made the 80 mile trek to New Haven to see Quinn's performances.
Yale clearly agreed with Quinn because she'd improved greatly as an actress and a singer. Rachel
wondered how much better Quinn would be now if they'd had a better vocal coach than William
Schuester and if Quinn had allowed herself to participate in school plays back at McKinley. Artie was a
surprisingly good director.
Rachel had stalked Shelby in a similar vein. Quinn and Shelby were apparently Facebook friends now,
though Rachel did not see a lot of interaction between them. She didn’t expect it-- she would have
been very surprised if she'd seen either one of them writing on each other's walls with someone insipid
like 'it's so f'ing great to know you!'
Shelby and Mike were not Facebook friends, and Shelby's profile was private, so it was difficult to stalk
Shelby the way she'd stalked Quinn. But she'd see Shelby's profile picture change intermittently-- she
was always pictured with Beth, so the profile pictures tended to coincide with a haircut, growth spurt or
some other change.
Beth.
She was looking more like Quinn every day.
It was one thing to see Quinn and Shelby from afar. But it was a whole other thing to see them up
close. Rachel thought only something extraordinary could bring them all together again.
She supposed the police finding that man who nearly killed her qualified.
--
It was a tentative, uneasy reunion. She could see in their eyes, they were happy to see her. She was
happy to see them, too. She just didn't know what to do with that.
--
The case resolved itself during the early part of her senior year of college.
She realized the police had been right when they told her years before that he would be in a lot of
trouble not only because she was a minor, but because he'd used a weapon, he'd removed her from
the scene of the initial crime which constituted kidnapping, because he'd sodomized her in addition to
raping her vaginally, because he didn't just stop at raping her but he'd physically brutalized her, too--
breaking bones. He'd thrown her from a moving car, he'd left her for dead with injuries that would have
killed her had a motorist not fortuitously gotten a flat tire.
She didn't come back for the entire trial-- it'd lasted a month despite his confession. She just came
back when she was needed. She didn't want to miss so much school, so despite the airfare, she went
back and forth during the trial. But she and Mike made it a point to go during closing statements, so
they could hear the verdict.
The state levied count after count at him and the jury found him guilty.
She prepared a victim's impact statement as ordered by the court which left her feeling hollow. It's not
that she thought she was going to feel cheerful, but she didn't think she'd feel so empty. She actually
ended up feeling sorry for him-- she had a room full of people who came out to support her, even
people whom she'd ignored for the past few years. He had no one on his side of the court room, no
family members, no friends.
She read her victim's impact statement, but while Mike cried, Mike's parents cried, Shelby cried, Quinn
cried, Quinn's mom cried, Helena, Alice and their kids cried, her former social workers cried, the jury
cried, even the defense attorney looked like she was going to cry, Rachel just felt dead inside.
Everyone else who knew her cried. But she did not cry.
As hollow and drained as she felt at the moment, she knew that she was getting closure. She'd been
through such grief, so much pain over the past few years-- even before this man nearly killed her. But
she was making it through. His pain was just beginning-- he would go to jail and she was assured by
more than one person that he would be miserable.
She wouldn't wish what happened to her on anyone, not even her attacker. But when she left the
courtroom, she met his eyes before Mike gently pulled her away, and she couldn't help think 'I give it
all back to you.'
She'd told herself many times over the years that she was going to start over. They'd all been false
starts, but now she felt like maybe she really could begin again. She was alive. He did not kill her.
What she experienced could not have been that bad, otherwise, she would have died.
He was caught and punished. He would be in jail for a very long time. She didn't have to be afraid
anymore that he would find her and hurt her again because he couldn't.
Maybe she truly would be okay.
That wouldn't stop her from getting hurt again in other ways in the future, but she knew if she could live
through this, she could live through anything. She wasn't sure how strong she was, so she could make
no promises, not even to herself. But she would try.
--
It was so banal, it bordered on grotesque, but after the sentencing, she and her cadre of supporters
went to Applebee's for food. The mood was somber, not celebratory, but everyone was clearly
relieved.
Mike had rarely left her side while they were in Lima, but he excused himself to use the restroom and
Rachel found herself staring at Shelby and Quinn who were sitting next to each other at the other end
of the table.
Helena, who was sitting across from her, patted her hand. "Darling, you should talk to them. They
came here to support you."
"Mum, lay off the baby, will you?" Jun Ying said, exasperated.
Rachel found this to be hilarious because Jun Ying was enormously pregnant and yet, Jun Ying still
referred to her as 'the baby'. She was 21 years old for God's sake.
"Jun, be cool to your massively uncool mom," Alice chided, grinning devilishly.
"Massively uncool?" Helena echoed in a huff. "Darling--"
Alice silenced her with a kiss and when they pulled apart, Alice was giggling, Helena was blushing and
grinning and their three children were groaning. Rachel just grinned because she thought it was sweet,
though it was obvious Jun Ying, Wilson and Dana did not agree.
Helena patted Rachel's hand. "Go," she encouraged softly. "Just speak to them for a few minutes."
Helena did not know the full story or else Rachel was sure she wouldn't encourage her to talk to them.
Helena herself had a host of mommy issues and Rachel thought that while Peggy Peabody, Helena's
mom, might seem cool in a geriatric way to other people, she didn't come off that way to Rachel. Over
the years, Helena and Alice strived to include Rachel into their family, and although Rachel was an
adult now, Helena and Alice still coddled her like she was a child, the way they did with their own kids.
Looking at them, Rachel thought for sure they must have had great mothers being such wonderful
mothers themselves, but what she found was that both Helena and Alice had crappy mothers who
made Shelby look like Mother of the Year.
"You're right," Rachel said quietly. Swallowing hard, Rachel got up to walk to them. She passed by
Mrs. Chang as she did so, and Mrs. Chang reached up to squeeze her arm. Mrs. Chang had become
like a mother to her over the time she and Mike dated. It was amazing to Rachel that she'd grown up
without a mother and now she had three of them watching out for her. Four, if one counted Shelby.
Sometimes Rachel did, sometimes she didn't.
"Hi," Rachel greeted quietly, standing next to the edge of the table.
Shelby and Quinn both smiled warmly at her.
"Hi," they each said.
Rachel bit her lip. "Thank you for everything," she said sincerely.
--
In the end, that was all it took and they were on speaking terms again.
--
She was in town for another day and she and Mike had dinner with Shelby, Quinn and Beth before she
and Mike went back to New York and Quinn back to Connecticut.
It broke her heart, but Beth didn't seem to remember her. But Rachel planned to change that.
--
One of the first things Rachel did was to friend them both on Facebook. She smiled when she saw that
they both accepted her friend request immediately
mjacton
2012-01-20 03:38 pm (local)
Beth didn't remember her? I think that might be the saddest (not the worst, but the saddest rivaling
Cow's death) thing in this story. :(
I'm glad Rachel pointedly recognized that she didn't deserve all the things that happened to her. It
doesn't always happen in your stories, for Rachel, at least that I remember.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-21 08:02 pm (local)
Beth is just a toddler though!
I feel bad fo Rachel, so I have to have her realise she doesn't dseerve a lot of the shit thrown at
her...
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sulkygeekff
January 17th, 2012
The re-entrance of Quinn in her life made Mike uneasy. Rachel could see it, but he
was too kind to say anything to her.
The first few conversations with Quinn were uneasy and stilted. But soon, before Rachel could even
control herself, they became easy and flowing again. This was the thing with Quinn-- they spent years
just on the periphery with one another and then when they slowly moved toward one another, they
were sucked into one another with an unstoppable gravitational force.
She was eager-- so, so eager to have Quinn in her life again. She was feasting after a famine.
"I really missed you," Rachel confessed quietly. "I didn't let myself realize how much I missed you, but I
did. I missed you so much."
Quinn laughed softly. "I missed you, too, dork," she said, but she sounded like she was going to cry.
They were on the phone, but Rachel pictured Quinn's hazel eyes shining.
They talked so much Rachel had to bulk up her minutes on her cell phone plan and had to go
unlimited minutes. She texted with people more than she talked with them, she never thought she'd be
one of those people, but she was. But Quinn she called and texted regularly.
They became reacquainted with one another and they filled each other in on the last four years. They
talked late into the night.
Rachel found herself so eager to share what her life during college had been like, she stumbled over
words in her excitement. Always, Quinn would laugh gently when she did.
"Do you know how good it is to hear you talk like that? Like old times," Quinn murmured. "Like I've got
the real you back."
Rachel's heart soared because she remembered why she once loved Quinn so much. Quinn always
had a way of making her melt.
But always, she thought of Mike. Mike, who trusted her. Mike, who'd always been kind to her. When
Quinn things to her that made her pulse quicken, Rachel did her best to ignore it.
She looked back on the past few years with regret at all the time she'd lost with Quinn. She'd seen
some of Quinn's performances at Yale, and they were sublime, but it wasn't enough. Hearing Quinn
relate funny anecdotes from dorm life, moving into seven apartments in three years, going on first
dates and drunken pub crawls. She wished she could have seen it. She wished she hadn't been so
angry. When she reflected on it, what Quinn and Shelby did really wasn't so bad. She wasn't sure why
she'd been so angry. But she'd been a different person back then.
The past few years hadn't been all kind to Quinn and Rachel felt terribly guilty that she hadn't been
there for Quinn the way Quinn had been there for her when Rachel needed someone.
Around graduation, Quinn took the train to New York to see Rachel at her final senior play at NYADA.
When it came time to do the same for Quinn, Mike and Rachel took the train to see Quinn perform her
final play at Yale. Rachel clapped obnoxiously and Mike pretended to be embarrassed, but in reality,
he was worried. He had his hand, protectively, on Rachel's back as Rachel and Quinn shared a
lingering hug.
--
Rachel and Mike shared an apartment after graduation, much to his parents' horror. They liked her
well enough, but they were opposed to Mike living with a girl to whom he was not wed and strenuously
encouraged Mike to propose. Rachel's parents-- and she did consider Helena and Alice to be her
surrogate parents, were horrified by the idea of her marrying too young, but were supportive of her
living with Mike indefinitely without the benefit of marriage. Shelby, still hesitant to express an opinion
about Rachel's life choices considering she'd only recently been allowed back in, remained silent on
the matter, simply stating, "I know you'll do what's best for you.".
Quinn moved to New York following her graduation from Yale and stayed with Mike and Rachel for
three weeks until she found an apartment nearby.
Even after Quinn moved, Rachel and Mike managed to see Quinn on a nearly daily basis despite the
fact they all had busy schedules and rehearsals.
One night, Rachel spent three hours chatting on the phone with Quinn who only lived six blocks away.
She hung up the phone, laughing and climbed into bed beside Mike and wrapped her arms around his
warm body.
He held her hands. "Do you love her more than me?"
Her heart broke. "No," she reassured. "No."
But even then, she could feel her heart start to cry out Quinn's name.
--
As a rule, Rachel did not spend time with Quinn alone. Rachel knew Mike was too nice to say he was
uncomfortable with her friendship with Quinn, so Rachel tried to be respectful and only hung out with
Quinn when Mike was there.
But in actuality, she loved that it was the three of them-- Quinn always joked about being the third
wheel, but it didn’t feel that way to Rachel.
Granted, she didn't like being outvoted sometimes, but she knew how to play her hand, so when she
really wanted something, she generally got Mike and Quinn to capitulate.
"Who wants to go with me to see a Streisand double feature?!" she called out cheerfully.
Mike and Quinn touched their right index fingers to their noses. "Not it," they exclaimed
simultaneously.
Rachel pouted. "You should be both clamoring for the honor of accompanying me to see Barbra. It's a
double privilege! I resent the implication spending time with me whilst watching an American treasure
is somehow an unpleasant chore and that you two are resolving it with some kind of children's game."
Mike laughed and threw his arms around her. He spun her around and kissed her cheek. "We'll go with
you," he promised.
Rachel brightened. "Will you take your messenger bag and sneak in a variety of vegan-friendly
snacks?" she asked, looking at him with wide eyes.
He groaned. "I don't want to carry a murse."
She pouted. "Please?"
"Why can't you carry one of your purses? Some of them are so big, you could mail yourself to China."
"I don't want to stretch them out!"
Mike sighed/ "Fine."
"And you have to carry some bacon-infused snacks for Quinn," Rachel went on.
Mike met Quinn's eyes and they each rolled their eyes.
"Oh, and don't forget to take Pocky. You like Pocky."
Mike chuckled. "I know."
"Why do they have a Men's Pocky? Do you think if I ate a lot of it, I'll grow hair on my chest?"
Mike bit back laughter and once again exchanged a look with Quinn. "Do you want me to check?" he
asked, leering. He reached with his hand and pulled down the neck of her shirt.
She squealed, clutched her hands to her chest and jumped away.
Mike pretended not to see Quinn look down Rachel's shirt as the brunette jumped away.
--
Rachel sat in between Mike and Quinn-- she was always the one in the middle and she wondered how
on earth it was that she became the focal point.
Truth was, she always felt she would earn acclaim. She couldn't picture herself as anything other than
a star-- this was why gold stars were always her thing, a metaphor for what she wanted to become.
Who she knew she would become. But she'd always pictured herself as being lonely at the top-- the
cliché of the A-list actress who was alone.
She had love now-- more love than she actually ever thought possible. She had an incredible support
system, people of her own choosing whom she loved and who chose to love her back.
She never really believed she could have this-- to be sandwiched between two people who truly loved
her as they walked home on a Sunday evening from a double feature at the movies. It seemed so
boring, ordinary and mundane, but it was really anything but.
--
Since their reunion, she never told Quinn "I love you" nor did Quinn say it to her, but Rachel suspected
it was there for both of them.
She pushed Quinn to date, offered to set Quinn up with costars, pleaded with Quinn to give her own
costars a chance, but Quinn always refused with the barest of smiles.
"I'm happy with my life."
Secretly, Rachel was glad because she did not know how she could handle seeing Quinn with
someone else.
--
The three of them were struggling artist clichés, though Mike was doing better as a struggling
professional dancer than Quinn and Rachel were as struggling actresses. Helena offered all of them
assistance-- the Peabody name carried a lot of weight all around the world, but none of them wanted
to make it that way.
"Darlings," Helena said during one of her frequent visits to the city. "Yes, my name may get you an
audition, but it would not land you the role. To do so would be the height of nepotistic folly. I just
believe you should capitalize on any available connections. You children are my family and I want you
to capitalize and everything available to you."
Quinn snorted quietly at 'nepotistic folly' but she smiled warmly at Helena. "Do you think Rachel got
her mouth from you?" she asked. "Because she did live with you when she was three and I can totally
picture Rachel saying 'nepotistic folly' even as a three year old."
Quinn and Mike looked at one another and exploded with laughter.
Rachel pouted because she hated to be ganged up on.
"Helena, thanks," she said, ignoring her laughing boyfriend and smirking best friend. "But we're going
to make it on our own."
Helena sighed and pulled out her wallet and glanced around Mike and Rachel's shabby chic
apartment. "Please at least accept some money for groceries, you children are all looking positively
emaciated."
Rachel grinned at her, because Mike and Quinn's mothers said the same thing. As did her own
mother. But there was no reason to worry because they all ate with gusto.
Life was tough, but it was good.
--
One afternoon they rented a car and drove out to the beach. They didn't play in the ocean, though
Rachel wanted to-- she imagined the three of them frolicking in the ocean and then requiring tetanus
shots. Mike and Quinn pouted at not being allowed to even step a toe into the ocean, but Rachel
grabbed the ukulele Mike brought with them to play while she sang a cover of Creedence Clearwater
Revival's 'Bad Moon Rising' as she bounced around like a dork.
It wasn't a very difficult song to play--three chords and she made a total fool out of herself to the point
of gathering a crowd. But she made Mike and Quinn sing along and laugh, so it was all worth it.
Somehow, Mike managed to convince her that stepping their toes into the water would not result in
them becoming diseased or plagued with pestilence, though Rachel did find herself wondering when
her last tetanus shot was. She winced when she realized it was when she was 17 and the dependency
court ordered CPS to make sure all of her medical records were brought up to date. But she pushed
dark thoughts aside and she, Mike and Quinn chased one another at the shoreline.
On the way home, she fell asleep in the backseat. Normally she would have called shotgun, but she
was sleepy when they left, so she laid down in the backseat and drifted off. The sun was setting and
Quinn took off the straw sun hat she'd worn all day and draped it over Rachel's head. Rachel's sun
bonnet had been lost when Mike tore it off Rachel's head and held it up just out of her reach. Mike and
Quinn passed it back and forth between one another, playing an impromptu game of Monkey-in-the-
Middle with Rachel shouting frighteningly specific threats of violence if her hat was not returned to her
immediately. Someone, Mike said it was Quinn, while Quinn placed the blame squarely on Mike,
dropped it and Rachel would not take back the possibly tetanus-infested head protector. It was
sacrificed to the ocean and Rachel watched, forlorn, as it was carried away by the tide until Mike
offered to buy sorbet.
Quinn smiled affectionately as she draped her hat over Rachel's face. Rachel, who was squinting in
her sleep against the intrusive sunlight, immediately relaxed.
Balanced on Rachel's belly were leftovers from the diner they stopped at for a late lunch and cold
drinks before they started their drive back to the rental company.
Rachel was still sleepy on the subway ride back to their apartment and she slept leaning her head
against Mike's shoulder. Quinn sat on the other side of Rachel and surreptitiously inched her knee
closer to Rachel's until they touched.
By the time they got back to Mike and Rachel's apartment, the brunette was wide-awake and alert.
She gripped Quinn's hands.
"Stay for a while," she pleaded. "We'll cook dinner. We'll play. We'll have some fun."
Quinn smiled fondly at her. "What will we play?"
"Thumb war!" Rachel exclaimed. She held her fist out with her thumb sticking up, hitchhiker style.
Quinn arched an eyebrow. "You told me once you would never play with me again."
Rachel gave her a toothy grin. "We'll play until I win."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Fine," she said flatly, but she was smiling.
Rachel giggled girlishly and she clutched her fists to her chest. "You should stay the night! We'll have a
sleepover!"
"Okay," Quinn said quietly. She swallowed hard and glanced at Mike who looked worried. "Is that okay
with you?"
Mike smiled, the worried lines in his face dissipating instantly. "Of course it is."
--
A year out of college and Rachel could not remember a time in her life she was ever happier. She and
Quinn both had supporting roles in an honest-to-God Broadway musical, the same musical and Mike
was quickly becoming the go-to guy when someone wanted a dancer in a music video-- which was a
lot.
Then one month, she skipped a period.
She worried immediately.
She wasn't on birth control-- her sex life with Mike still wasn't particularly robust. Even five years after
the attack, sex scared her more often than not, but she was coming around. They were seeing a sex
therapist to help her through it, and though Rachel was difficult to embarrass, she found the sessions
mortifying most of the time. Still, it was important to her that their sex lives be fulfilling-- she wanted to
make Mike happy and she knew if there was anything about her he could change, this was it. Even if
he was too nice to ever admit it.
He was patient with her, never pushy and she knew that after four years of putting up with it, most men
would have run screaming. Most men probably would have run screaming after four dates.
But not Mike. Rachel knew he was special and she wanted to hold onto him, so she was trying to get
better. It was just hard sometimes.
Because they weren't very sexual, but trying to be, Rachel knew exactly what day could have led her
to miss her period. She tried not to be paranoid-- she was only a day late. But when a day turned into
a week and then a week turned into two, and then she missed that entire month of September, she
knew she had to take a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
She was glum when he came home and found her sitting on the couch. She was too still-- she was
rarely ever still. She suited New York--- always moving, seemingly always in flux.
"What is it?" he asked, sitting next to her. "Are you okay?"
She was ready to cry as she thought about her options. She could get rid of the baby and feel bad.
She could keep the baby and at best, defer her dreams. At worst, ruin them entirely. Adoption was not
an option.
"I'm pregnant," she told him glumly.
His eyes widened. "We're pregnant?" he whispered. He swallowed visibly. "Shakespeare in the Park?"
She nodded in confirmation.
He hugged her tightly. "Are you okay? How are you feeling? Can I get you something to drink?" he
asked. Absently, he began rubbing her feet.
"I'm okay," she told him quietly.
He looked at her, concerned. "Have you been getting sick and not telling me?"
Rachel shook her head. "I haven't had any morning sickness."
She did feel incredibly blessed in that respect.
God, this was so ludicrous. There were people out there who spent years trying to get pregnant to no
avail. But they get pregnant after one free show of King Lear. One free show of King Lear and she'd
been all over him when they got back to their apartment. King Lear of all plays. It was perverse the
way all the violence got her in the mood, especially considering one of the character's names was
Goneril which made Rachel think of sexually transmitted diseases.
He drew in a deep breath. "What do you want to do?"
She wanted to cry. "I don't know." She paused. "What do you want?"
He swallowed hard. "I want to be a dad," he said quietly. "I want us to keep it." He swallowed again.
"But it's not a deal breaker if you don't want to be a mom yet. It'll be okay if you don't want it."
She was so relieved. She thought he would be supportive, but she didn't want to take him for granted
and think it was a guarantee.
--
The only other person she wanted to tell right away was Quinn, but she refrained from calling the
blonde. She held it in all throughout rehearsals the next day, even though it was killing her. The three
of them were supposed to meet for dinner later, and Rachel thought it was better if she and Mike told
Quinn together.
But that night, Mike was late for dinner. He was rarely ever late, but Rachel thought she should grant
him some leeway. Although Rachel and Quinn worked together in the same play, there were always
so many people around at rehearsals, they were never truly alone. Rachel tried to think of the last time
she was ever alone with Quinn for more than a few minutes-- high school, she thought.
It was strange to be with Quinn without Mike, and Rachel could see that Quinn felt it, too.
Calls and texts to Mike went unreturned and Rachel was worried. Her mind always ran wild, to the
worst possible scenario. It was Mike who kept her tethered to sanity because Quinn was even worse
than she was when it came to always assuming the apocalypse was at hand.
Rachel glanced at the clock on her phone. Ten minutes. "I guess we should just wait."
"Okay."
After twenty minutes, Rachel was beginning to lose it. Quinn looked concerned.
Rachel couldn't hold it in anymore. "I'm pregnant," she blurted.
Quinn looked alarmed and troubled. "Are you okay?" she whispered.
Rachel swallowed hard. "Yes."
"Are you happy?"
Rachel looked at her, annoyed.
Quinn flinched. "Right. Sorry," she said. She took in a shaky sigh. "What about the show?"
Rachel trembled. "I don't know."
--
Mike was twenty-five minutes late and Quinn wrung her hands nervously. "Should we look for him?"
As they walked in silence to the studio, Rachel went over all the fears running through her head. Her
first gut instinct was that something terrible had happened to Mike and now he was either dead or
dying. She knew bad things happened to good people. Then her second thought was that Mike was
hurt somewhere and she was filled with his desperate, helpless need to find him immediately. Then
she became afraid that he left her-- it happened to girls who got unexpectedly pregnant all the time
didn't it? But she didn't think Mike was that kind of man. Correction, she knew Mike wasn't that kind of
man.
There were still dancers in the studio, but no Mike.
They stood outside the studio, debating their options when Quinn pointed to the bar across the street.
"We should check it out."
"I'm not going to drink, Quinn. That would be incredibly reckless even if I am unlikely to keep this
embryo growing inside me."
Quinn wrinkled her face in disdain. "Must you call it that?"
"I'm uncertain how closely you paid attention in our AP Biology class or our 9th grade Health course,
Quinn, but it's technically an embryo until it becomes a fetus."
"You're a fetus," Quinn muttered under her breath.
Grinning in spite of herself and her current situation, Rachel whacked Quinn's shoulder. "Did you just
call me a fetus?"
Playfully, Quinn shoved Rachel. "I did."
Rachel glared at her in mock outrage. "Did you just push a pregnant woman?" she demanded loudly,
causing several people passing by to stop and glare unkindly at Quinn.
Quinn flushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"
Rachel rolled her eyes and threw her arms around Quinn, kissing her cheek and rubbing away the
worried line in the blonde's forehead. "Of course you didn't."
Quinn gave her a brief smile. "I hate you," she murmured. "And no, I'm not suggesting we get a drink.
But maybe Mike is in there," she said, pointing at the bar. "It's worth looking."
"Okay," Rachel said, despite the fact that would have been pretty out of character for Mike. She
offered her arm to Quinn who took it and they crossed the street into the bar.
--
They found Mike sitting dejectedly on a bar stool, hunched over. He had one arm propped up on the
bar, his face resting on his hand, chin resting into the trench of his palm.
He looked like a lost little boy and Rachel instinctively yanked her arm away from Quinn to run to him.
"What's wrong?" she cried, throwing her arms around him. "Why are you here?"
He shut his eyes and leaned back into her. She'd never seen him look so downtrodden. He was drunk
and she hadn't seen him so intoxicated since the party at her house their junior year of high school. He
was a social, casual drinker-- never more than three drinks at the most.
He glanced back at Quinn. Rachel had never seen him look so upset. He pulled his lips in toward his
mouth-- that look that always killed Rachel because she knew she'd hurt him. He was silent for a long
moment before he pulled his wallet out of his pocket and set some bills next to his half full glass. He
tossed back the rest of it and then stood up unsteadily.
He still had not uttered a word-- it was unnerving.
"Let's just go home, Rachel," he said wearily.
He walked past her. She and Quinn followed him out.
Once they were outside, he tried to hail a cab. It wasn't very far, but he was clearly not in the mood to
walk.
Quinn looked uncertain. "I should go home," she said quietly. "I'll talk to you later," she said, stepping
forward to give Rachel a hug.
"No," Mike called out. "You're coming with us."
Rachel and Quinn each swallowed hard and exchanged a look, but Quinn nodded. She linked her arm
with Rachel and Rachel reached for Quinn's hand, squeezing tight.
--
In the cab, Mike was in first, then Rachel and finally Quinn.
Mike rested his head on Rachel's shoulder. "I love you, you know."
"I know," Rachel said softly.
"But you love her."
Rachel gulped. Next to her, Quinn gasped quietly.
Mike snorted humorlessly. "Who do you think you guys are fooling?" he scoffed.
He'd never sounded so mean.
"Mike…"
"You're pregnant with my baby, Rachel," Mike said softly.
"I know,"
"If you keep it, are you going to leave me and take it and raise it with her?"
Rachel gasped. Next to her, Quinn started to tremble.
"She loves you, too, Rachel," Mike pointed out quietly.
Quinn gulped audibly.
Rachel glanced toward the front seat where the Greek taxi driver was completely unaffected, probably
accustomed to a thousand such scenes a week.
"I would never do that to you," Rachel said sincerely. "I've had a crush on you since middle school. I've
thought about what our babies would look like since I was 12."
He laughed, but he pulled his head away from Rachel's shoulder and rested it against the glass of the
taxi. Rachel felt like telling him that was unhygienic and to please put his head on her shoulder again,
because it felt nice and familiar and she desperately needed something nice and familiar at the
moment. But he just looked so sad and she realized how insensitive she must have been this entire
time to Mike and Quinn, because of course, she'd known. She'd known they both loved her.
"What do you think they'd look like?"
"They'd be pretty, because they're going to be hapa," Rachel murmured. "And they're going to have
really unruly, really unmanageable hair. They're going to learn Chinese so they can speak to your
grandma and I'm going to send them to Hebrew school so they can learn the language of the Chosen
people."
Mike laughed. "Asian babies come out with a lot of hair," he agreed. "Fur-bearing."
Rachel laughed. "They're going to be so, so pretty, Mike. And they're going to have the best of us."
"So, mostly they'll look like you," Mike said tenderly.
Rachel wanted to sob because even when he was trying to be mean, he was still so nice. "The best of
them will come from you," she corrected.
He sighed mournfully. "I'm okay with second best," he said softly. "You can love her more and love me
less."
"Mike," Rachel breathed. She started to cry.
"I kind of love her too," Mike admitted. "Because I love everything you love."
"Mike," Rachel sobbed. "You know I love you."
"I know," Mike said. "But you love her. Don't deny it," he said, his voice rising for just a moment. "I
know it. I've seen the way you've looked at one another. I'm not stupid."
They reached the apartment and the driver demanded the fare in indecipherable English. Quinn
scrambled out and gave him all the bills she had in her wallet, not caring how much that exactly was.
The three of them stumbled up to Rachel and Mike's apartment.
"Mike, I love you," Rachel said quietly. "You know I love you. You have to know!"
"I know," Mike said. "But you love her," he said, gesturing to Quinn. "I know nothing's happened yet,
but something will."
"No, it won't!" Rachel denied. She glanced at Quinn for support. "Tell him nothing will happen," she
pleaded.
Quinn swallowed hard. She looked like she was going to cry. "Nothing will happen," she said, her voice
quivering.
Rachel felt awful because Quinn looked devastated and Rachel realized that Quinn must have been
holding on all this time to hope.
Mike looked at her sympathetically. "I meant it when I said I kind of love you, too," he said to Quinn. He
reached out with his arm, and both Quinn and Rachel held their breaths, afraid for a moment he was
going to hit. But he wasn't capable of that. Mike Chang was simply the kind of man who would never
hit a woman. Mike gently cupped Quinn's cheek. "Do you love me, too?"
Quinn swallowed hard. "Yes," she admitted after a moment.
"This is crazy!" Rachel said harshly. "This…this…I don't…" she was so flabbergasted she couldn't
speak anymore.
"I know what it’s like to love everything you love, too," Quinn told Rachel softly.
"This is crazy," Rachel said weakly. "What do I do with this? What are you saying?" she asked turning
to Mike. "Are you saying I need to make a choice? Because it's not about a choice. Quinn and I are
just friends and--"
Mike hushed her with a kiss. "I'm saying," he said slowly when they pulled apart. Rachel arched into
him, wanting more, but he pulled back. "You can have us both, if that's what you both want. I really am
okay with being second best."
"You aren't second best," Rachel said, her eyes brimming with tears. "Neither of you are second best."
"I…I would be okay with that," Quinn said quietly. She looked and sounded so scared.
Mike gave Quinn the faintest of smiles.
"What if I'm not okay with it?" Rachel asked.
Mike gave her a sad smile. "We've been dancing around this," he said quietly. "I don't want to lose
you. I love you." He took a deep breath. "I do love Quinn, because I really do love everything you love.
I think this could work if we let it."
"But it's…it's…not….traditional."
He gave her a wan smile. "When have any of us been traditional?"
She breathed shakily. "I don't want to hurt either of you."
But she realized she'd been hurting them both all along, and maybe this way, they could all have what
they wanted.
Gently, Mike pushed Rachel toward Quinn.
Rachel and Quinn stared at one another, before Quinn took a deep breath. She bent her head down
and Rachel tilted her head back. Her mouth rushed to greet Quinn's.
It'd been so long since they kissed. Rachel moaned because kissing Quinn was still so familiar. Rachel
groped behind her for Mike and she found his belt buckle and yanked him close. She pulled away from
Quinn and stepped aside, pushing Mike toward Quinn.
If this was going to work, then Mike and Quinn had to be okay with one another, too. She was okay
with being the nucleus. Actually, being the centre was gratifying and flattering, but this wasn't about
egos. This was her life. And if she was going to do this, she was going to make sure Mike and Quinn
would be okay with being intimate with one another.
Mike pulled Quinn close and kissed her.
It was hot but at the same time Rachel felt a flare of jealousy, though she was not sure who she was
more jealous of-- Mike or Quinn. But she stamped that down when they pulled apart and Quinn
reached for her and pulled her back toward them.
They stumbled toward the bedroom and clothing was removed.
Something about being playfully, but forcefully shoved onto the bed by Quinn struck a dark memory in
her because Rachel immediately curled up and found it hard to breathe. When she couldn't catch her
breath, she began to cry.
"It's okay," Mike said, rubbing Rachel's bare back. "It's okay, baby," he murmured.
He turned to smile reassuringly at Quinn who stared at them with wide, frightened eyes.
"Just be gentle," he instructed. "You can't ever be rough with her because…" he trailed off and they all
knew what he was going to say.
"I'm sorry," Quinn said sorrowfully.
"It's okay," Rachel said, getting a grip on herself. She was able to do that faster now. Four years ago,
she could ruin a whole night with her crying jags. It was a miracle Mike had stayed with her. She
pushed Quinn and Mike together. "Kiss," she urged.
They obliged and Jesus, they were pretty together. Rachel thought about the babies that Quinn and
Mike could have together. They would be gorgeous.
The kissing between Quinn and Mike was becoming heated and Rachel saw how hard Mike was
becoming.
"Mike, touch her breasts," Rachel said quietly. "She likes that."
Mike followed direction eliciting a low moan from Quinn.
'Oh my God, I'm a pornographer!' Rachel thought. But then she realized that was stupid because she
wasn't recording this in any way. Though she kind of wished she was.
She watched them and envied them because they could be intimate with one another seemingly
without any trepidation or hesitation and she still couldn't have sex with her boyfriend at least 40% of
the time they wanted to. But watching them filled her with carnal longing and a desire to be something
normal. For both of them. She watched as Mike and Quinn continued to kiss and Rachel lowered her
hand between her legs and touched herself.
Her low moan caught both Mike and Quinn's attention. They both saw what she was doing and gave
her big, loving smiles.
"Come here," Mike husked.
Rachel gulped and crawled across the bed and settled in between them, Mike at her front, Quinn at
her back.
'Yesyesyesyes,' Rachel thought.
She gave herself over to the joy of the moment.
Quinn moved in one week later and Mike and Rachel's queen sized bed was replaced with a king-
sized one that took three hours to select as they bickered through mattress options.
mjacton
2012-01-20 04:15 pm (local)
If I'm not mistaken, Rachel and Quinn hadn't had sex yet before the attack (they had gotten pretty far
along but no sex)...unless you just didn't mention it. So, that would make this their first time with each
other. Am I wrong?
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Thanks for sticking with me, everyone. I know this one is gigantour. I will not rachel/santana santana santana/quinn shelby
sulkygeekff
apologise if anyone has a problem with M/R/Q because it's my OT3 and you were
January 17th, 2012
forewarned, but I WILL apologise for crowding your friends' pages. I realise some of
you wake up to all this drivel since I tend to post very late at night. This is because I
work all day and when I come home, I like to hang out with my kids. I don't go online or write until the
last one of them is asleep, generally. Anyway, Sorry for crowding pages! In the future, I may post fics
over a couple days instead of all at once...
Chapter 12
At the tender age of five, Rachel Berry created a life plan that charted out her life until the age of 30.
Unlike other girls of similar age, she did not make plans to marry a Backstreet Boy or live in a house
made of candy. No, she planned to win the EGOT by 25 and write, direct and star in an Oscar-award
winning movie before she was 30 two win her second Oscar. By then, she would have at least four
Tony awards under her belt. She never gave much thought into anything else. She never pictured a
husband or a wife. She pictured herself at award shows and when she came to the part of thanking the
people she loved, she always named dad and daddy first, but faltered when it came to naming a
significant other. She couldn't even think of what she wanted. Sometimes, she sad "my wife" and
sometimes she said "my husband" but she eventually began saying "my wife and/or husband" in her
practice speeches.
Quinn Fabray was a different kind of girl. Quinn had grown up wanting to be a variety of occupations--
a librarian when she was five, a teacher when she was six, a police officer when she was eight, a
Spice Girl when she was ten, an archaeologist when she was twelve and a lawyer when she was
fifteen. Her interests in occupations tended to change with whatever lesson plan interested her most in
school or what movie was popular at the time. She didn't give much thought into what she wanted to
be when she grew up. But she did think she was going to get married to a nice man, have two or three
kids, get a dog and live in the suburbs in a big house.
She had an idea of what she wanted her husband to be like. She always preferred dark-haired, dark-
eyed men. Her father always voted for the candidate who was the least ethnic, so she always pictured
herself marrying some nice white guy and she didn't much care when Santana mocked her for being
boring. Even at age ten, Santana rejected the white bread existence Lima had to offer. But Quinn fully
embraced it and pictured herself married to some lawyer or doctor. Maybe a banker or a stockbroker.
Some profession that her father considered to be legitimate.
Quinn never thought she'd end up like this-- she had a boyfriend who was Chinese and a girlfriend
who was a possibly biracial Jew. And both her boyfriend and girlfriend were artists. She was an artist.
She knew if her father were still around, he'd have an aneurysm. But then again, what right did he
have to judge her life?
This wasn't the life she would have chosen for herself-- she just sort of fell into it.
She was jealous sometimes. She couldn't help it. Mike and Rachel had shared so much in the four
years they were together before she became a part of their relationship. They had all these little jokes
and secret smiles. If she went away tomorrow, they would be sad, but they would be okay. They would
probably go back to the way things were-- they'd swap out their king-sized bed and go back to a queen
because the bed would feel too large, but other than that, it would be all too easy to get rid of her.
She was the expendable one, and that was hard to forget sometimes.
Mike thought he was the expendable one, but Quinn was fairly sure he was wrong. Although, she
thought that if he left, she would eventually be okay with it. She'd meant it when she told Rachel "I love
everything you love" but she had to admit the only person truly irreplaceable in their trio was Rachel.
"I'm okay with being second best," Mike and Quinn each told Rachel.
And Quinn realized they both were-- when one was in love, one didn't care about pride or sounding
pathetic and sad with a sentiment like 'I'm okay with being second best.' When being second best for
Rachel, who herself would never be okay with being second best, it was okay.
--
Rachel decided not to keep the baby.
Quinn was a mixture of sad/angry and relieved. She'd wanted Rachel to keep the baby-- she would
have loved it like the child was her own and she still struggled with the idea of abortion. She knew it
was right for some people, but she didn't think it was right for them. Mike agreed with her, but Rachel
made up her mind and neither of them tried to dissuade her.
A darker, pettier part of her was relieved because she didn't want Mike and Rachel to have even more
to share and possibly cut her out.
Still, as time passed, Quinn couldn't help but think 'the baby would have eyelashes today' or 'the baby
would have toe and fingernails by now'. Once she had an argument with Mike and Rachel over whose
turn it was to replenish the milk (regular, almond and soy because Mike was lactose intolerant) and
she'd stormed off in a huff because they both agreed that it was her turn. She'd stomped out of the
apartment and thought 'if she were still pregnant, the baby would have been able to hear all that.'
She returned an hour later carrying three cartons of milk, some soy-based ice cream for Mike and a
bag of vegan chocolate chip cookies for Rachel because it actually had been her turn, she was just
upset they made such a big deal out of it. Rachel greeted her with an easy smile and Mike took the
bags from her and set them into the kitchen. He grabbed her and twirled her around, making Rachel
laugh before she told them to be careful of the floor lamp because she certainly wasn't going to
replace another one due to their childish antics, and really, she expected more grace from a
professional dancer. Quinn rolled her eyes and continued to dance with Mike, he twirled her toward
Rachel and she kissed the side of Rachel's neck in that spot that made the brunette gasp before she
resumed her dance with Mike, cajoling Rachel to join them until the brunette did just that.
--
The relationship was complicated but not as much as she thought it would be. Rachel was high-
maintenance, which Quinn knew about and could deal with-- she'd actually mellowed out over the
years, so it was much easier to date Rachel. Mike was sweet and undemanding-- all he wanted was
basic respect which Quinn was more than willing to give.
When they first started this, she would have done anything to have Rachel and now she would do
anything to keep Rachel and Mike.
--
She'd missed Rachel from the moment Rachel ended their relationship.
Quinn dated in college and even managed to have a relationship that lasted an entire year. But she
just could not get over Rachel.
She felt so stupid, for being so hung up over a high school girlfriend whom she really hadn't dated that
long. They'd never even had sex when they dated in high school because….well, because of what
happened to Rachel during senior year.
Maybe it was the way they broke up-- it'd been so awful and abrupt. Maybe that was why Quinn was
never able to get over it.
In college, she ended up stalking Mike via Facebook to stalk Rachel. She downloaded pictures of
Rachel from Mike's Facebook album onto her computer. For two pathetic months during her
sophomore year, Rachel's picture was her desktop background picture. She Googled Rachel so she
could keep track of Rachel's career and attended nearly all of Rachel's plays during her time at
NYADA. Quinn never told Rachel she was going because she was afraid Rachel would forbid her.
Without fail, she left the moment Rachel took her bows.
Quinn had kept her word-- she'd once told Rachel she would be the girl in the audience clapping the
loudest and the hardest, and she was.
College was great for Quinn-- she learned so much and she realized why Rachel had been so
passionate in high school. Despite Mr. Schuester's attempts to incite passion in his glee club, Quinn
never felt very inspired by him. Her professors at Yale, however, were different. She supposed she
was the kind of person who derived passion from external influences-- she'd always been rather
sedate; whereas Rachel's passion always came from within.
Quinn's time at Yale made her just as passionate about being on stage or film as Rachel had been and
Quinn could finally appreciate Rachel for knowing exactly what she wanted. Quinn wished she'd
rehearsed more in high school, that she'd tried harder for solos and auditioned for school plays. She'd
found her passion late (compared to Rachel Berry), but she'd found it.
She had her all-nighters and cram sessions, she had blackout drunk nights, pub crawls followed by
disgusting food binges at Dennys and Jack-in-the Box (she once referred to the latter as 'Jack-in-the-
Crack and made her freshman year roommate howl with laughter before Patty told you 'girl, you can't
pull that shit off.) She had drunken one-night stands and a passionate Spring Break fling. She had
fights with the girl behind the counter at the bookstore when she tried to sell her books back and
moments of terror when the wireless internet went out minutes before she had to hand in an
assignment via email. She moved seven times in three years. She lost textbooks, keys, money and
sunglasses. She was constantly losing things and she thought it was hilarious.
But it wasn't all positive. She had nightly nightmares during her first two years of college-- she only got
to hold Beth when she went home on breaks, which wasn't very frequent, so she heard a baby's cries.
She never got to hold Rachel, so she heard Rachel's pleas for help mingled with Beth's cries to be
held. She didn't wake up screaming, but she did frequently wake up crying.
She freaked out roommates, hence moving seven times in three years. The nightmares got better
during her third and fourth years as she started to reconcile herself to the fact she'd lost Rachel and
gave Beth away. But they were still frequent enough to earn her a lot of sidelong glances from
roommates.
She'd gotten along well with her freshman year roommate, the aforementioned Patty, who never
seemed particularly bothered by Quinn's perpetual night terrors except Patty left school after the first
year, so she wasn't an option when Quinn searched for housing. Quinn moved every time she started
to become embarrassed by the way her roommates started to look at her.
She continued to be haunted by the absence of her baby and by the absence of Rachel, but she
started to reconcile herself with the former-- she knew Beth was in a good place. It was the latter
absence she found difficult to accept-- she knew Rachel was doing well, but without seeing it for
herself, she couldn't be sure, and without being sure…well, she couldn't accept.
She'd been certain Shelby would cut her out of Beth's life now that she was away at college, and
accused Shelby as much during Spring Break of her sophomore year when she went home to Lima
primarily to visit Beth.
"You're going to withhold her from me, aren't you?!" Quinn had demanded, in a moment of extreme
agitation. .
"It takes a village to raise a child, Quinn," Shelby said quietly. She smiled reassuringly. "And you're
part of my village. I lost Rachel," Shelby said quietly. "I would never do to you what happened to me. It
hurts too much and I couldn't inflict that on anyone."
Quinn's eyes filled with tears. She swallowed hard. "Hippie," she muttered. "What is that 'it takes a
village' thing? Are you going to start going to Native American sweat lodges and go to Burning Man
now?"
Shelby laughed softly. "You never should have tried to take Beth away from me-- it was cruel calling
CPS. But I know how you felt. I promise you, I will always welcome you to play a part in Beth's life. I
trust you now. I see you now."
Quinn bit her lip as she thought about what Shelby was saying. A thought suddenly occurred to her.
"You were the one who called CPS on Rachel's dads, weren't you? When she was three?"
Shelby looked pained. "Yes," she whispered. "I saw her once, coming out of a movie theatre with her
fathers." She smiled wistfully. "She was so little, she looked much younger than three. But she was
dancing and singing. Everyone was looking at her, but she only had eyes for her fathers." Shelby
sniffled. "I just wanted her to look at me like that." She closed her eyes at the meory. "I thought if CPS
took her away, they could give her to me. I waited and waited, but I never heard anything. I thought
nothing was going to happen, so I just gave up." Her voice trembled. "I didn't know she went into foster
care," she said tearfully. "When I think about what could have happened…" she trailed off and
swallowed hard. "Thank God she went to good people."
Quinn could see what a difficult admission that was for Shelby, because Rachel's foster parents,
Helena and Alice, had not only loved Rachel when she was three to want to adopt her, but they'd
wanted to adopt her again when she was 17.
Quinn had to admit she was lucky, too. Whatever Shelby Corcoran's faults were, she was a good
mother to Beth and that was all Quinn needed to know about Shelby.
"I'll carry that with me to my grave," Quinn promised Shelby.
Back then, neither of them ever believed she'd have a chance to tell Rachel anyway.
Shelby smiled faintly. "I think she might already know. We had a conversation once…" she trailed off.
"She told me about going into foster care when she was a child. She used that as an example to plead
with me to give you more time with Beth." She swallowed visibly. "But I would appreciate if you kept
that a secret and allow me the chance to tell her myself if the opportunity ever arises."
"Okay," Quinn said softly.
After that, Shelby sent Beth to New Haven for the occasional visit, just like Quinn wanted. But she had
to admit, it was better for Beth for Quinn to visit her in Lima. For Beth, Lima was home and Shelby was
her mother. Quinn was still trying to find a place called home and to find a life for herself.
--
Quinn found a home in New York and a life for herself with Mike and Rachel.
--
Two years after graduation, the three of them went home to Lima for the Winter holidays.
They celebrated Rachel's birthday, just the three of them before they left New York and Rachel's eyes
were shiny as she kissed Quinn, and then Mike. She pulled back to smile at them and whispered, "I
don't need anything for my birthday except for the two of you, but I'd certainly want the Barbra
Streisand box set that is currently on sale at Best Buy for $48.93." She grinned at them impishly as
Mike and Quinn exchanged baffled looks, but shrieked and tried to run away as Mike and Quinn
attacked her with pillows.
They had a lot of people to visit in Lima-- Mike's parents, Judy, Shelby and Beth, Helena and Alice.
None of them knew the true nature of their relationship, but Quinn thought that they all suspected-- the
three of them were inseparable, after all.
It was the best Christmas/Hanukkah ever-- Chrismukkah, as Rachel called it, though Quinn did feel a
little sad when she thought about the child they agreed to abort. It would have been the child's first
Christmas, and Quinn thought it would have been nice to spoil it rotten. It wasn't about abortion or pro-
life or pro-choice-- she'd just grown attached to the idea of a mini Rachel and now that she'd spent
more time with Mike, she was especially sad that there wasn't a child that was a mixture of two people
she loved deeply.
One of their last stops before they went back to New York was the Bethlehem/Hefner Cemetery where
Rachel buried her fathers as a fourteen year old girl.
"Hi dad, daddy," Rachel said, kneeling at their graves. "I'm sorry it's been a while. I know I used to visit
you every year on my birthday and I hope you'll forgive me for being so lax in my filial duties." Her
voice quivered and both Mike and Quinn put one hand on Rachel's back.
Rachel turned and gave them both teary smiles. But she nodded to reassure them she was okay.
"She turned out to actually like me, loves me, in fact," Rachel whispered. "And Mike…he really loves
me. Loves us. I know you guys said this world is cruel…and it is," Rachel said, her voice catching. "But
you told me once I would find a prince or a princess and I…I found both." She swallowed hard. "Please
don't be affronted if I don't come here more often. I'll always think of you guys and I'll always be strong
because of the way you taught me." Rachel smiled. "Thank you for everything," she said quietly. "I
promise to make you both proud of me." She stood up and faced Mike and Quinn and smiled.
"Ready?"
Quinn wished she could have met these men because she was certain she would have liked them. If
they were alive, she knew she would have been able to see Rachel in each of them and she'd already
determined she loved everything that Rachel loved.
--
When they were 27, they decided that since they all want to be parents, it was better to do it sooner
than later. Quinn, taking a page from Rachel's handbook, decided to make a graph demonstrating the
inversely proportional relationship between age and energy and the directly proportional relationship
between age and patience. She arbitrarily determined that they were coming upon the period in their
lives where they could maximize energy and patience.
They were all doing well in their careers-- they were working enough that they didn't have to wait
tables or work retail. They could sustain themselves as actors and dancers.
They were at the height of their careers thus far, and Quinn thought it would take convincing Mike and
Rachel to take some time off. But it'd been surprisingly easy.
Mike just smiled and agreed.
Rachel complimented her on how well color-coordinated her graphs were and then agreed because
Rachel was still ridiculous about such things.
For two girls who'd become unexpectedly pregnant, they were surprised to find out that it was actually
pretty difficult to get pregnant-- the stars and the moon had to line up exactly right. There was actually
a very limited window in which a woman could become pregnant.
Quinn was embarrassed to realize that she never actually understood how her period worked.
They decided to increase their chances and so one night it was the three of them with Mike in the
middle. It used to be that Rachel was always in the middle, because she was the centre. But over the
years they were together, that stopped being a necessity. No one was the centre, it was just the three
of them.
They knew, of course, that doing it that way could result in both Quinn and Rachel becoming pregnant,
but they thought to themselves, 'what are the chances we'd both get pregnant?'
High.
--
Being pregnant together was fun only in theory. The hormones were annoying, but it wasn't too bad.
The worst part, Quinn decided, was anxiety.
She worried through the first trimester about miscarriages. She didn't know what she would do if one of
them miscarried and the other one didn't.
After the first trimester, she felt a little better, but then she worried through every doctor's appointment.
What would happen if there was something wrong with one?
Until the very moment they both delivered, she was worried about stillbirth. And she worried nightly
about SIDS taking one or both.
"I can't promise you bad things won't happen," Rachel murmured tenderly.
"Who can make promises like that?" Mike agreed.
"But whatever happens, we'll get through it, together," Rachel assured.
That actually made her want to cry, but Quinn played it off. She wiped at her eyes. "Why don't you two
just start writing a screenplay about an animated film about saving the rain forest and use those lines,"
she said, sniffling as she smiled at them. "Hippies."
Mike and Rachel smiled at one another and then smiled at Quinn.
--
Quinn delivered first, a baby boy with thick dark hair that pointed up in spikes when he was cleaned up
and dried off. Joshua (meaning: a savior; a deliverer) Michael (meaning: humble) Chang's hair would
gradually lighten over the first few months of his life, to a shade darker than Quinn's but much lighter
than Mike's.
Despite Rachel's love of punctuality, she was two weeks past her due date and labor had to be
induced. She huffed when Quinn and Mike cackled together over the irony.
Rachel deferred to Mike and Quinn's desire to give their children Biblical names.
Naomi (meaning: beautiful; agreeable) Abigail (meaning: father's joy) Chang was born with a thick
shock of wildly unruly hair. Over the first few months of her life, her hair stayed dark as the day she
was born, but became increasingly unmanageable as she grew and the natural curl presented itself.
"Good God, we're going to have hell with that hair when she's older," Quinn bemoaned good-
naturedly. But the truth was, she loved it. She was deliriously in love with both her gorgeous babies
and although they had three adults for two babies, the adults felt seriously outnumbered.
But Quinn was never been happier and she believed Mike and Rachel when they told her they've
never been happier, too.
They moved into a larger place and Quinn felt a little sad saying goodbye to their shabby chic one
bedroom apartment as they moved into a two bedroom. The kids could share until they got older. The
apartment was decorated from a mixture of Ikea, Pottery Barn and Urban Home-- a far cry from finding
furniture left on the curb and cleaning it up and repurposing it. One crib alone cost nearly a month's
rent in their old place, let alone two cribs. Quinn never realized having kids was so expensive and she
almost forgave her father for never paying child support.
Quinn's life was very different from where she imagined she'd end up as a little girl. She was an
actress who had an actress girlfriend and a dancer boyfriend. She had two kids who were only two
weeks apart in age. She was okay that Beth was now calling her 'Auntie Quinn/' She lived in an overly
loud apartment in Brooklyn.
The life she led was a far cry from what she'd imagined as a spoiled, sheltered, sad, lonely little girl in
the suburbs of Ohio. But she was so much happier than she ever thought she would be.
She'd read somewhere that once people had children, they became closer to their parents, and Quinn
found this to be true for her, Rachel and Mike. Quinn sought advice from her mother. Rachel sought
advice from Shelby, Alice and Helena. Around the time Abby started teething and wailing inconsolably,
Rachel started referring to Shelby as 'mom' one hundred percent of the time. Mike's parents loved their
grandchildren enough to put aside their bewilderment that their only son had two children by two
different women and gave him all the advice he asked for. Mike's grandmother, still living and kicking,
God bless her (she'd outlive them all), sent a batch of Chinese herbs meant to aid nursing mothers.
Rachel liked to joke that even though her world had been filled with men growing up, now it was
overrun with mothers.
Quinn couldn't call her life perfect-- they had their good days and bad days. She thought it would be
dependent on whether or not the babies were having a good day or bad day, but Quinn found that
wasn't the always the case, though it tended to be. Mike was still too nice, bordering on being a door
mat, and he still felt like maybe she and Rachel loved each other more than him. Quinn could still be
humorless and tended to sink into dark moods for no real reason and would get petty and mean when
attempts to cajole her out of them failed. Rachel could be self-involved and thoughtless, and she still
struggled with intimacy even after the two children between the three of them.
But Quinn didn't want perfection or promises of happily ever after, because she'd found perfection was
soulless and promises of happily ever after were empty
Rachel liked to tell them "I love you both more than I ever thought I was capable, but I don't know how
strong I am. I can't make you any promises, but I love you both."
Mike liked to reply, "you could have just serenaded us with 'God Only Knows,' you know."
And Quinn always laughed when Rachel whacked Mike in the belly.
Their home was filled with music, laughter and dancing.
Despite the fact Rachel preferred Broadway musicals, Quinn preferred Motown and Mike preferred
whiny indie rock, their babies obviously favored Bruce Springsteen.
They'd discovered this when Abby and Josh would not stop crying for forty five minutes, feeding off
one another. Quinn, Mike and Rachel made their selections from their iPods, hoping music would
sooth their children the way it soothed each of them-- music soothing the savage beast and all that.
Josh and Abby sobbed through the Temptations, The Isley Brothers and the Supremes. They wailed
through Bon Iver, Death Cab for Cutie and Bishop Allen. They shrieked through the Wicked, Funny
Girl and Avenue Q soundtracks like they were being murdered.
But the moment they heard 'Dancing in the Dark' by accident, they quieted right down.
"We're an advertisement for the tourism board of New Jersey," Rachel bemoaned as the three of them
danced around their apartment to Bruce Springsteen to entertain their children whilst making silly
faces.
Quinn snorted as she danced like Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air because it made
Abby and Josh shriek with laughter. The show had been way before her time, but she ended up
becoming a fan through YouTube in college. "Snob."
Rachel just laughed and lifted Joshua into the air. She spun slowly, making him laugh. "Josh, did you
hear your mama call me a snob?"
Quinn rolled her eyes and stopped dancing to catch her breath. She had no idea how Mike did it all
day. She glanced at him and saw him hugging Abby to his chest, dancing slowly despite the beat of
the music. She pictured Mike in a suit dancing with Abby on her wedding day.
She wondered what her children would look like as adults. She wondered what she would look like
when she was older. Judging by her mother, she was pretty comfortable with her fate, though her
mother got a bit of help from Botox and collagen.
Quinn didn't know what the future held for her-- she knew life could be cruel, but life had been
unimaginably generous to her, too.
After they went through the Springsteen songs on Mike's iPod, Pat Benatar came up on shuffle and
Quinn knew her kids had good taste in music, because the kids went nuts.
"Come on and hit me with your best shot," Mike, Quinn and Rachel sang together. "Fire away."
Rachel grinned at them. "Did you know that when I was a kid, I misheard that as 'come on and hit me
with your pet shark'?"
Quinn snorted. "How does that possibly make sense?"
"I wanted a pet shark," Mike offered.
Dear God, she loved crazy people.
They all looked at one another for a long moment. "Come on and hit me with your pet shark," they all
started to sing in unison.
Quinn just knew her kids were going to grow up mishearing lyrics like she did. She wondered if her
kids would sing, 'you're wrong, versatile Jesus' like she had when singing along to 'Personal Jesus.'
Her younger self would have found it strange that all she wanted in life was to hold onto this moment--
with two people whom she loved who loved her back, with her two very young children dancing around
a small living room while misquoting song lyrics. She knew she couldn’t hold onto this moment forever-
- children get older and anyway, they all had work in the morning, though it killed all of them to drop
the kids off at daycare. But she would try.
And when the moment was gone, she would carry the memory with her.
The End
only_because3
2012-01-17 12:55 pm (local)
This was a much easier read than I thought it would be despite the abuse! I think it helped that Rachel
and Quinn didn't really tear one another apart like they usually do in your stories. This was a gorgeous
story and I love your Mike/Rachel/Quinn dynamic (I think I'm most definitely going to have to write for
them with kids because that was simply too cute).
Also, there's a men's poky?

(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-17 10:39 pm (local)
MAybe I've gone soft because I considered this to be rougher and angstier than, like,
'maneuvering landmines' for which I still get flak. I LOVE M/R/W dynamic
And YES. They have a men's pocky-- dark green wrapping and it's dark chocolate. It's yummy, but
my favourite pocky is almond crush. yuum.
Can't wait to read your M/R/Q story! THEY MUST HAVE KIDS because it would be soooooo cute
only_because3
2012-01-17 10:48 pm (local)
Oh my god, it's dark chocolate?! I need to find some now and buy like 5 boxes since one
seems to disappear too fast.
This was SO MUCH LESS ANGSTY than Manuvering Landmines. I say this all the time but
that story legit had me crying for three hours and had a complete breakdown reading it (I see
way too much of myself in the Quinns you write). This was like angst light for me.
Thus far what I have is pretty much like the Faberry+ Puck family verse just with kids that
have more personality. Totally stealing a tiny bit from you though (because the girls would
totally end up pregnant together at some point)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:36 am (local)
There is a certain joy in being pregnant with your best friend or whatever. Just being
pregnant together with anyone. I wuold loooove to see that more in depth. I actually
thought about lengthening that part of this story, but 1) I was so sick of it that I stopped
giving a fuck 2)it was too long anyway and 3) I LOOK at another pregnant chick and I get
knocked up. My uterus is closed.
jackykay
2012-01-17 03:45 pm (local)
Oh my g-d, all throughout my childhood I thought it was 'Versatile Jesus' too! Okay this has to be my
all time favorite one of your stories, I must admit I never imagined these three as an OTP when it
comes to a trio involving one of the guys too my favorite was Puckelberrypez or Faberrymen and I'd
only ever heard of one Brittany/Rachel/Mike story and loved it. BUT this was good like really good, and
a lot less angsty then I had thought it would be. I kept thinking I shouldn't read this it'll be too sad and
I've never read anything with Mike and Faberry but it was great. In the beginning when we got through
like 8 chapters without an Mike I thought maybe there wouldn't be any of him but he came back big
time in the end. I also kind of love that it was Quinn coming into Rachel and Mike's relationship
because for some reason I thought it would be Rachel coming into Mike and Quinn s relationship. One
of my favorite things about this story, The L Word ladies. Helena will always be my favorite character
and I loved Alice too, who doesn't love Alice? She is just so wacky. Oh yeah and I liked that after the
rape scene, I'm glad Rachel was taken to the hospital instead of trying to hide and having Quinn bash
her in school. That would have been tragic. The story was just so perfect, another victory on your part I
believe. Loved it!
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-17 10:41 pm (local)
versatile jesus! lol. dude, i wonder how many more of us there are?
I really like the M/Q/R trio because they are just too hot.
Helena/Alice was my fav L Word ship,but i HATED the show after season 3
Thank you so much for reading!

dru_rawr
2012-01-17 04:50 pm (local)
Only your stories can manage to get me to dip a toe back into Glee, if only just to read one story! I
loved this. I was dubious about adding Mike to the equation but to my surprise I actually loved it!
I also liked the added Alice/Helena part. :) As shitty as the L Word became.. they were always my
favorites!
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-17 10:42 pm (local)
Ah, Glee. The insanity! I'm glad you liked the Mike interaction!! Thank you again!!
neveraworsename
2012-01-17 09:41 pm (local)
I won't have time to read this before midnight as I think Livejournal is doing the protesting SOPA thing
too tomorrow, so I'm going to save this as notepad and read it tomorrow. Still, I read up until 6b, so I
know it's at normal Sulkygeek standards and cannot wait until I'm finished with it.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-17 10:43 pm (local)
Aw, thank you! Hope you like it

5222008
2012-01-18 01:21 am (local)
It's 12.20am and I've been reading this for almost four hours. I think you broke me. This was beautiful
and poignant and everything I look for in your writing. Thank you.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-18 02:16 am (local)
Aw. I'm sorry! But thank you, thank you so much for reading and then taking the time to be so kind
in your commnet. Thank YOU
iconicplatonic
2012-01-18 04:24 am (local)
Loved it as usual, although you seriously fucked up Rachel's life in this one, like EVERYTHING fell
apart for her. Still, i think you delved much less in to the darkness than you could have. I agree with
people that this was easier to read than some of your others in terms of abuse.
Also, are you psychic about that F*ing wedding proposal? (God how i wish cannon Finchel would
break up because she says no but alas, it's just too much to hope for)
Thanks for another excellent fic :D

(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:39 am (local)
I knooow. My husband was skimming this last night and he said to me, "You killed the DOG?!"
and I felt so evil. I really did leave her with nothing.
I hope to GOD, Finn/Rachel split up. God. I have no idea how that happened-- NOT psychic at all.
I started this thing on the heels of my last story. Maybe I heard a spoiler in November or early
Dec? Not sure, but totally coincidental!!!
ljam86
2012-01-18 04:50 am (local)
As usual you rocked it. I was a little put off at the idea of R/M/Q endgame, but it's you so I had to read
anyway. I ended up actually liking Mike added to the Faberry dynamic. Thanks for the angsty
goodness you always provide.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:39 am (local)
oh, thank you!! I really love the idea of Mike with the two of them!!!
motylik
2012-01-18 01:47 pm (local)
I have no words for how I loved this. Mike/Quinn/Rachel are my official new OT3. <3 <3 Awesome. I'm
so glad they caught the guy!
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:40 am (local)
Aw, thank you!!! I just love the idea of the girls ending up with Mike. or Noah. I dunno, just a
weakness, I guess
dorablewrites
2012-01-18 03:31 pm (local)
I meant to comment yesterday morning when I read this, but it was just so early I couldn't form words.
Your timing is amazing, just the other day I was thinking that I wanted to read one of your stories, but I
don't usually like rereading angsty fics (if that makes sense at all?).
You really put Rachel through the wringer in this one, but it all worked out in the end (yay!). Also, I
have to second asking if you had a psychic moment about the proposal. Or are you secretly one of the
glee writers masquerading as a fan-fic writer?
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:42 am (local)
aw, thank you! Yeah, I wouldn't want to reread any of these, either, lol!!!
I really did put her through the ringer! When my husband was skimming this last night, he says to
me "you killed the DOG?!" and I FELT SO EVIL!
I have NO idea about that proposal thing. NOT psychic! Or a writer!lol. God, I hope she says no!!!
dorablewrites
2012-01-19 08:36 am (local)
Me too, I started yelling at the T.V. telling her to run when that happened.
sweetandow
2012-01-18 08:14 pm (local)
Hey you pulled off MQR! I liked how the relationship was portrayed! Mike Change is so gorgeous - just
wish he had more interesting storylines on the show! :(
I don't get why people thought Maneuvering Landmines was super angsty (okay maybe that one rape
scene), I thought Confluent Flows and Gravitational Forces (holy hell I can NEVER read that or the
sequel ever again) was wayyyy angstier.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-19 01:49 am (local)
Thanks for saying I pulled it off! Yay!! Mike Chang is STUNNINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG/
I guess it's all in how one defines angst, like I thought Maneuvering Landmines was angsty as
fuck because it was a Korean melodrama. Like, straight up, if we changed it up to a heterosexual
couple, it would have made a very contrversial Korean soap opera! I didn't think Confluent Flows
was all that angsty, to be honest, I just wanted to do a teenage prostitution storyline and it started
out a Dollhouse fic that I canceled. I never really through Gravitational Forces was that angsty
either except with respect to the reactive offender storyline, but THAT was the prompt!!!
I thought this one was the most angsty thing EVER because you know, it had a child in mourning,
a sexual assault, guilty feelings, suicidal ideation, etc. I seriously thought it was the most angsty
thing I ever wrote and when I was telling people about it, I said "it will make maneuvering
landmines look like FLUFF" but apparently, no one thinks this is that angsty.
Oh well.
I've got nothing long planned. I was throwing around a one-shot in which Rachel and Finn do get
married and she stays in Lima and gets tethered down to a life she never wants but she feels too
terrible about leaving Finn because she convinces heself they're still in lovee even though she
actually hates him. Quinn, meanwhile, goes on to Yale Drama and is the one who ends up on
Broadway and tries to get Rachel to leave Finn. Not becausethey're in love, but beacuse Quinn
knows Rachel's talent and potential are being WASTED
sweetandow
2012-01-19 10:14 pm (local)
That's true, Maneuvering Landmines was definitely the most melodramatic. Near-death,
siblings in love, physical abuse, orphans - yeah I'd say that fits the elements.
Maybe because you gave a huge disclaimer in the beginning so we're all like - oh well, it can't
be THAT angsty 'cause they're gonna all get together! But yeah, you're right - Rachel does
appear to be the most broken in this fic than others; usually she's got this sort of relentless
spirit and here, she wants to die. So mm, yes.
Hmm, I'm curious if there's someway that one could incorporate some more Kdrama elements
in there; I especially like the fake death --> loss of memory --> reunion --> evil
girlfriend/boyfriend villain plot. The fake death thing is kinda hard to pull off, because, well I
don't know it's America. LOL. Ooh, also stark class differences would be awesome too! Like
either Rachel or Quinn has to be dirt poor and the other has to be super disgustingly rich,
preferably daughter of a conglomerate CEO. Heh. Nevermind, I'm just rambling now!
sulkygeekff
2012-01-20 12:50 am (local)
hmmmmmmmmm
I've actually, in the past, toyed with fake death/loss of memory/reunion/evil gf/bf plots!
Like SERIOUSLY.
Not as in someone deliberately faked the death, but you know something like Character
A goes missing and is PRESUMED dead, Character B is in mourning. Character B is in
some place random like a diner or a mattress store or Home Depot, or even like, buying
deocrative decals in the shapes of leaves or whatever. And sees Character A who
remembers nothing, but Character A turns out to be with Evil BF/GF character who as it
turns out found Character A after some calamitous accident like... car accident, tumbling
down a hill, falling off a cliff, near drowning....SOMETHING and helped Charcter A
through recovery, but was well aware of who Character A was through media coverage of
the missing persons thing (because CHARACTER A is a pretty white girl, so duh, of
course there is media coverage) Character A can be poor, but sweet. Character B can be
the wealthy scion of a huge evil conglmoerate and Character B's parents were actually
glad when Character A "died"
And yeah, baby! That is how you go korean

(Anonymous)
2012-01-19 09:43 am (local)
I almost didn't read this cause you said it ended with R/M/Q but I am so glad I did.
It's not that I don't think R/M/Q is hot and I actually kinda crack ship them and all that...but I never
really like threesomes in serious fics (only in smut!! lol)
But you somehow made me change my mind a little bit :)
I always love your fics cause I am a sucker for angst. This made me cry every single chapter and it
was just so so so amazing! You are one seriously talented writer!!!
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-20 12:41 am (local)
I'm actually VERY much a traditionalist when it comes to marriage/relationships/committment-- I

think it should be just two people at any one time, and I tend to be wary of poly relationships. I
think it works with an exact recipe of partcipants and typically, it's doomed for failure because
having two people is hard enough, let alone THREE. But I just loved the R/M/Q tooooooo much.
Thank you so much for reading! So appreciated!

stacks_of_books
2012-01-20 08:18 am (local)
I was hoping you had written another story. Yea!
R/Q/M so not my thing but it's one of your stories, so of course I read it.
It was so good. I didn't feel the angst as much as your other stories. Maybe it was because Rachel's
parents were dead for a while. Maybe it was the nice way Quinn and Rachel came together. Not very
dramatic.
The rape was intense and the killing of Cow was sad but overall not too horrible.
As always, it was excellent and your writing was perfectly sublime. Thanks for making my day!!!
P.S. I've had to edit this twice, if I missed any typos or commas, I'm sorry. I haven't been writing in
English for a while. (Facebook doesn't count.)
Edited at 2012-01-20 08:21 am (local)

(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-21 07:51 pm (local)
Thank you!! I honestly thought this was a gigantor angst fest, so it's kind of nice that people
thought it wasn't too bad. And I totally felt evil for killing Cow. I hope everything is going great for
you!!
mjacton
2012-01-20 05:03 pm (local)
I guess my question was answered. :)
I didn't love the relationship in the end. I think it's just hard to write (or maybe it's just hard reading) a
polyamourous relationship because no matter what it ends up unbalanced somehow. But, I was won
over to the dynamic of these three based on their friendship at first, and so when it evolved into
something else it felt natural enough.
And that was my favorite part. You didn't really pretend it was balanced at the beginning anyway. You
did as good a job as possible showing the tightening of the bond between Quinn and Mike, but I was
very glad to see Rachel as the "glue" in the beginning. She deserved the love of two good people. I
know that's sappy, but whatever. :)
To address my "ambitious" comment on chapter 1, I did think this was ambitious because you
incorporated a lot of different "prompts" to make a cohesive story. And, you did your usual brilliant job
of bringing them all together.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-21 07:55 pm (local)
I think poly relatoinships are hard, too. I think they are invariably imbalanced,but maybe that's
okay. I mean, relatoniships between two people are rarely balanced, so with three people, it just
can't happen. I think. Even if the three people would do a very balanced/equal division of labor for
household tasks, I think emotionally, there would always be an imbalance.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting!

madame_diggory
2012-01-20 09:21 pm (local)
My God, Helena/Alice!! You wrote Helena and Alice into my OTP and I have literally smiled myself
stupid over this fic. You know, once I stopped crying over the fact that you nearly destroyed Rachel
once again, lol. This was incredible and I didn't mind the intro of Mike into Faberry as much as I
thought I would.
I especially loved that you had Rachel call Kurt out on what a shitty friend he is to her and can
someone please explain to me why Ryan insists on creating these epically unlikely friendships one
week and then completely ignoring that friendship the next? Anyway, great story and no, I don't mind
at all if you jam up my friends page with the entire fic in one night.
BTW, any chance that we'll get an update of the UCLA Faberry trilogy?
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-21 07:59 pm (local)
Helena and Alice were my L Word OTP. I loved Alice/Dana but then it got insane. I am terrible to
Rachel, so I make no excuses/defenses.
Kurt is a totally shitty friend. I think he's not bad person, he's just selfish. I wish he'd just get called
out on his shit because he's not a fucking angel, he's a decent kid who needs to be put in check
sometimes.
No updates for UCLA Faberry... it was always meant to be a trilogy and I scrapped the fourth story
that was going to blow the universe apart. So...no plans now. But maybe later!
cate53
2012-01-20 11:14 pm (local)
I timed my reading this time, just dipping into those deceptively sweet early chapters. And very sweet
the relationship was too. Of course then you swooped into canine killings, and rape and assault, a
trifling agony for your characters!!
As always your stories are great to read - and once I got to the dramatic part, I had to read to the end
*cough 5am cough*
I must admit, I am not a fan of the threesome. I read the warning, but didn't think you would go for a
full and pretty equal threeway thing. It was certainly different, but it's just not really my thing. However,
Mike is probably the sweetest of the Glee guys! Just not any noticeable chemistry for me.
PLEASE don't start posting your stories in parts. One of the things U love most about you as a writer is
you know the whole thing is there and written. Far too many great stories have petered into mediocrity
as the authors have gone on too long. Or, us readers are just getting into a story and the update
finishes. Knowing your love of torturing your characters and your readers, you'd do KILLER cliffhanger
that would have us tearing out hair out! I'd rather wait a bit longer and get the whole story in on huge
chunk!
As always, thanks hugely for writing.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-21 08:00 pm (local)
Heh! 'trifling agony'- I LOVE IT.
Thank you so much for giving it a go, despite the fact that you're not into threesomes. I'm not huge
on polyamorous relationships, but I just went with it for this one.
I always feel a little bad posting everything at once for my friends' pages. But people generally
seem okay with it, I just always feel the need to apologise..
(Anonymous)
2012-01-22 12:19 am (local)
I was pretty hesitant to read because of the whole M/Q/R thing going on but I'm glad I did. I don't know
what I was thinking, I should've never doubted you would manage to pull it off, you amazing writer you.
Also, I don't have an LJ account, or maybe I do but I don't remember the username or pw if that is the
case, so I can't speak to the crowding page thing, but I love that you post the whole thing at once. I am
so impatient and become melodramatic having to wait for new chapters, especially when left with a
cliffhanger. Lol
Thank you for sharing this!

(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-23 12:47 am (local)
aw, thank you! I know some people were turned off by MQR, but I think it's pretty. only_because3
just posted a MQR story that is adorable to rachel_quinn, which is a must read if you haven't
already!
No need to get an LJ account, anon, I think you are plenty spiffy!
I don't think I will ever post a story without it being complete (I go back and forth and ch ange a lot
of details) but I sometimes angst about what people must feel like when they go to bed at like,
10pm and see a perfectly nice friends' page and then they check it the next day and they see all
my entries flooding their LF friend's page. It must sort of be sucky, but then, if they really minded,
they should just defriend me, I guess
Anyway!! THANK YOU!!!!!

(Deleted comment)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-28 06:02 am (local)
I love love love Mike. He just seems like a genuinely sweet/good boyfriend especially when
compared with the other boys on the show. Puck is not really into being a boyfriend long-term
which is fine, Finn is a terrible boyfriend, Kurt is a terrible boyfriend, Artie was a terrible boyfriend
but Mike is just always so sweet to Tina!
I must be getting old because I thought this was over-the-top angst, lol. Oh well!
I miss Alice and Helena.
Thanks so much for reading!! And taking the time to comment!

(Anonymous)
2012-01-23 07:02 pm (local)
I fucking love you and everything you write.

(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-01-28 06:03 am (local)
I am certain I love you, too.

surrender_drthy
2012-02-05 11:37 pm (local)
I'm almost speechless..... wow! Made me cry and laugh.. and made my heart break,and swell with love
for them.
Thanks so much for sharing!
(Reply) (Thread)
Better Late Than Never :#

husky04
2012-02-23 11:47 am (local)
Again, sorry it took so long to respond to this, as once again, RL really got in the way of processing
something that's novel-length. Again, you've cranked out something that's amazing, if really putting
Rachel through the wringer, though it wasn't as angsty as I had expected considering everything that
happened.
Really liked how you went into how Quinn had been hurting & torn over giving Beth up, and how it
motivated her actions- feels like you really captured what had been driving a lot of Quinn's crazy
moments over the last season & a half far better than RIB did with their tell with a few 'blink & you'll
miss it' lines & not showing, so they could have their prop & character assassination. And even when
Quinn got to see Beth, Quinn's pain over realizing that Beth wasn't really hers anymore despite what
she felt was kind of heartbreaking; with Beth being such a cute kid as a cherry on top of that.
Interesting that from the beginning, Quinn felt a pull towards Rachel, although at first she couldn't
explain the warmish feeling she had, or her reactions to seeing drunk Rachel taking the decorations
down or kissing her, mixed with a heaping side of denial. Seeing Quinn struggle with her feelings as
their friendship developed was also interesting, as she started to analyze her feelings, or after the
movie night kiss, and the way Quinn slowly realized that she actually liked Rachel in that way & was
ok with kissing her was nicely done, only for Rachel in turn to be gripped by understandable doubts.
The way that Rachel & Quinn's friendship developed from the first visits to Shelby, the reactions over
the NYADA & Yale acceptances (LOL @ how Quinn did better than Finnept with the celebrations &
Santana's commentary on it, & Rachel doing that Yale song was cute) Rachel trying to stand up to
Figgins on Quinn's behalf, the bacon popcorn (lol) Rachel defending Quinn to Shelby (& the chocolate-
covered bacon, LMAO) was also nice.
Was Rachel's commentary about CPS & parental rights while talking Quinn out of her scheme to take
Shelby down a bit of venting, & correcting some misperceptions the show has about family law, in
addition to frustration over that attempt to get Rachel taken away from her parents ;)
Cow was funny & a nice companion for Rachel, but I'm partial to small dogs [he seems a lot like my
min pin] Story of how he got his name was cute (lol @ the PETA reference.) Then to kill him off like
that, when he was Rachel's companion for a decade was kind of cruel, with Rachel not letting him
sleep with her when he wanted to on his last night as an extra twist, but I suppose putting Rachel
through the wringer is to be expected.
Finnept's proposal was such epic fail that went well with how unobservant, inept & vampire-like he is
as a boyfriend, as was the temper tantrum & tirade against Rachel. Too bad the show's handling the
matter rather differently, even if your Rachel got hurt in the process. But better that than being stuck
with Finn.
The way Rachel lost her parents was pretty sad, as was how the thing with CPS when Rachel was 3
made them all isolated & paranoid, so Rachel basically spent 4 years on her own with only Cow for
company, as well as how Rachel was able to pull it off without anyone getting suspicious, with a side
of survivor's guilt.
And just when Rachel & Quinn seem to have figured it out, for Rachel to be attacked at that party-
drugged, severely beaten, & raped with the associated emotional trauma & nightmares, with Quinn
beating herself up for seeing part of it happen but angrily dismissing it as her being cheated on was a
punch to the gut. Then if that wasn't bad enough, the whole thing about Rachel's dads being dead (as
well as them lying about what happened with CPS) coming out & going into foster care made the mess
even worse, as well as her meltdown when Quinn confessed to her (even if she forgave Quinn), made
this segment one of the hardest to read, as was reading that nicely detailed part about how Rachel
was struggling with PTSD in the aftermath, though I did like how both Quinn & Mike were there for her
during that part. At least the police were able to catch the guy after a few years, giving Rachel some
closure.
(Reply) (Thread)
Re: Better Late Than Never :# - 2/2; you guessed it-

LJ Character Limits
husky04
2012-02-23 11:48 am (local)
Then, just when Rachel seemed to be getting back on track, for first the smell of the cologne at
Macy's to be a trigger, than to find out about the deal Shelby & Quinn had made was another 1-2
punch. I understand how it managed to break her even more, given that on top of everything that
happened to her, it must have seemed like a huge betrayal that there was a lie beneath her entire
relationship with Quinn & Shelby, considering how her concerns about manipulation & ulterior
motives, & how she'd react by cutting them out of her life because she couldn't trust them
anymore, but still, that was pretty painful. That Quinn was hurting as well just made it that much
worse, even if it was partly her fault, nor was I surprised that with Rachel checking out, Schue's
"leadership" & Santana & Mercedes going after each other, ND came apart.
Though I'm not familiar with The L Word, Alice & Helena seem like good people here, and really
liked seeing how they were there for Rachel & helped get her back together after the blow-up with
Shelby & Quinn.
Really don't like Shelby here, because when she finally decided she wanted a second chance with
Rachel, rather than being straightforward about it, she used Beth to manipulate Quinn into
manipulating Rachel into spending time with her, which was one of the worst ways she could have
gone about it because of the potential for it to blow up in her face if it came to light, which it did
fairly spectacularly. Shelby being the one who called CPS on the Berrys when Rachel was 3, with
the effect that had didn't do her any favors either. Suppose it’s in character though, as in canon,
she does have a habit of resorting to underhanded tactics & doing what’s most convenient for her
without really considering how it might affect others even when she really cares about something.
At least she expressed regret over how she hurt everyone & didn't keep Beth from Quinn after
everything blew up.
It was also nice how the change of scenery and getting involved in college life really helped
Rachel recover from everything, to the point where she was largely herself, & was able to get to a
point where she could eventually reconcile with Quinn & Shelby. Having Mike be there for her was
also nice. Although from what I've seen, Cherry's one of the more popular UC het ships, it's one
I'm uncertain about, because even though Mike is one the couple decent guys in ND, there hasn't
really been any canon interaction for me to be able to base an opinion on, yet here, I felt that you
really made it work by having him be there for her and things developing from there.
Another thing I liked was even as Quinn was thriving at Yale, she wasn't entirely ok, having
nightmares about Beth & Rachel. The way that Rachel & Quinn kept track of each other even
when they weren't speaking by Facebook stalking & sneaking into each other shows was kind of
poignant as well. Thus, it was a relief when they finally started talking again after the trial and
became friends again.
The way this developed from being just Mike & Rachel to all 3 of them in a relationship was kind
of interesting as well. At first Mike just seemed like he was wary about Quinn being around Rachel
because of what happened back in Lima, but then he’s worried that since Rachel & Quinn still had
romantic feelings towards each other, he might get shut out, causing tension. Thus, it was quite a
pleasant surprise when in that scene where he confronted Quinn & Rachel about it, which could
have been some spectacular blow-up, he proposed a polyamorous relationship that they all
agreed to because they all loved each other in some capacity. It wasn't something that I would
have expected without the notes up front, yet it works here, even with some bumps & not being
what any of them had planned. Haven't heard the term 'hapa' before, but yes, there are some very
nice looking half-Asian people, and the babies they do end up having are pretty cute, as is the
whole family they have going.
Yet again, a wonderful fic, & eagerly awaiting the next one.
Re: Better Late Than Never :# - 2/2; you guessed

it- LJ Character Limits
sulkygeek
2012-02-27 02:24 am (local)
Thank you so much!!!
I really though this was one of my angstiest stories, but I guess maybe I'm losing my touch,
lol.
I wish the shoe would really explore the Beth/Quinn dynamic. Adoption as we know it in the
Westernised world is a relatively new concept and there hasn't been a lot of longitudunal
studies on adoption, and Beth's adoption is unique in the sense that it seems like a traditional
closed adoption but the nature of Shelby intersecting with Rachel's social circle made the
anonimity impossible and I really believe this would have been a rich storyline to explore.
Instead, they fucked it up and insulted EVERYONE. I think I was particularly pissed because I
adopted two of my children and though they were my brother's biological children, it makes
me crazy any time anyone insinuates my husband and I are anything less than their mom and
dad, even though my daughter was fifteen years old when she came to live with me.
The more this show goes on, the more I'm certain Quinn is in love with Rachel. The way
Quinn looks at Rachel is just so filled with longing and affection. I think these two would have
a wonderful friendship if Rachel weren't so unfathomably, unrealistically and ridiculously in
love with Finn.
I found myself not really liking Shelby in this either. I feel so bad for Canon Rachel because
Shelby really seems uninterested in her and that's SO sad.
Half Asian babies are ALWAYS just ridiculously cute!
Anyway-- thank you thank you thank you for your wonderful, life-affirming, uplifting reviews. It
means so much because you aren't, like, obliged, but you do it anyway and it's always so
amazing.
0_0_loki_0_0
2012-04-03 06:44 pm (local)
I just re-read this and I believe I forgot to mention just how wonderful this story was the first time
around.
Rachel - Her heart is way too big, that level of forgiveness to Quinn is, I think astounding.
Mike - Chang is Boss.
Quinn - Baby Girl, just how the hell did you think it was going to turn out, none of your plans ever work
long term. Be thankful for Rachel and Mike's big hearts.
Shelby - Figure out you life girl, same statement as Quinn, did you really think the truth would never
come out?
Judy - I really liked her this story, she had her flaws but tried her hardest.
Alice and Helena - Yes! Love them, Every since the scene where Helena yells "ALICE" cause of the
Dana shrine. The were wonderful in this. Would loved to see how a Rachel Berry raised by them
would turn out, all kinds of greatness is my guess.
Berry Dads - Boo! They suck, the emotional scaring that Rachel is left after their death's, just Boo.
(Reply) (Thread)
sulkygeekff
2012-04-05 11:12 pm (local)
Can't believe you would read again!! I am sure you had better things to do!
Thanks so much!! I so appreciate it. Rachel Berry has a big, big heart, at least I do believe!

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She couldn't ruin her one good thing.

And once she was gone-- Quinn was left floundering.

And it destroyed her.

Quinn didn't want to dwell on things she couldn't have anymore.

"Hi," Quinn greeted.

"I'm going over to Shelby's tonight--"

"I don't think Shelby would mind."

"You did ask her for a recommendation," Quinn reminded.

Rachel bit her lip contemplatively. "Why do you want me?"

"You'll keep me sane," Quinn replied truthfully.

Rachel beamed at her. "Really?"

"Well…we're kind of friends, right?"

Rachel grinned back. "You're welcome, Quinn."

"Rachel, Quinn. Come in."

"Boom!" Beth cackled. "Boom!"

Beth held up a block to her. "Block!"

Quinn laughed softly. "Yeah, that's a block."

"This is a block!" Beth stated, quite emphatically.

Quinn laughed again. "Yeah, that's a block," she repeated.

"Again, please"! Beth chirped.

"Fear me!" Beth roared.

"I want one," Rachel called out.

"Mommy made it!" Beth exclaimed.

Rachel smiled back. "It's okay. Thank you."

But Beth seemed to light right up around Rachel.

Admittedly, it was a deliriously cute sight.

"Beth," Shelby scolded with fond exasperation. She laughed.

"Are you giving it to me?" Shelby teased in a high-pitched voice.

Shelby's face fell. "Right," she said softly. "Sorry."

Shelby's smile was forced. "Right."

This seemed to please Beth, which pleased Quinn.

She was genuinely grateful, it just killed her to admit it.

"Where's Rachel? Is she coming later?"

Shelby looked chastened. "Right," she murmured."Nevermind. It's…it's fine."

Rachel gave her a genuine smile. "Thank you."

Still, admirably enough, Shelby soldiered on.

Quinn passed Christmas morning, quietly, with her mother.

This year, Christmas with her mother was mellow.

This year, her mother was much more subdued.

They passed Rachel's house.

It was so Rachel Berry.

Quinn possessed a secret soft spot for it.

It was almost cinematic.

"You're welcome," Quinn murmured.

Make that an indignant three year old.

Both her mother and Rachel looked at her, aghast.

"Hey," Quinn greeted.

Quinn smiled slowly. "You did? What kind?"

Rachel's interest was piqued. "For me?"

"I got you something."

Rachel looked distressed. "But I didn't get you anything."

Rachel gave her a sweet smile. "Of course I will."

"Mom, Rachel brought over some cookies."

Judy looked up. "Hello, Rachel," she said pleasantly.

Judy smiled. "Don't be silly. Quinnie's friends are always welcome."

"We're going to go upstairs really quick, okay?" Quinn said.

"If you want."