Organization: The essay is organized around the topic but could benefit from more explicit

transitions between paragraphs to strengthen connections and ensure each paragraph's main idea
relates directly to the thesis.

Transitions: Stronger transitions could guide the reader through the essay and connect the ideas
more smoothly. For instance, using transitional phrases like "Furthermore," "On the other hand,"
or "In addition to" can help bridge ideas between paragraphs.

Grammar and Sentence Structure:

● Fragment: "The internet has millions of people on it daily." This sentence needs to be
completed.
● Comma splice: "Having all these kids on the internet makes them more open to being
cyberbullied." A semicolon or conjunction could fix this.
● Suggestions:
● "The internet has millions of people on it every single day."
● "With all these kids on the internet, they are more open to being cyberbullied."

Detail to Illustrate Thesis: More specific examples, statistics, or case studies could be used to
illustrate further the effects of cyberbullying on children's mental health and the importance of
internet safety.

Style and Tone: The style and tone are appropriate for the audience. The essay maintains a
formal tone suitable for discussing a serious topic like cyberbullying and its impact on mental
health.

Sentence Variety and Word Choices: The sentences and word choices could be more varied.
Strong, active verbs and descriptive nouns can enhance the essay's clarity and impact.

Suggestions:

● Instead of "Using the internet safely can make the internet a good and safer place for
everyone," try "Safe internet usage promotes a healthier online environment for
everyone."

Repetitiveness and Information: The essay seems simple but could be more concise. It
provides relevant information but could benefit from more depth or specificity in some areas.

Clarity and Assumed Knowledge: The essay is generally straightforward, but some
assumptions about the reader's prior knowledge could be clarified with additional details or
explanations.

MLA Format: Looks good

Three Things the Author Does Well:

1. Highlights the importance of online safety and the risks of cyberbullying.

 2. Addresses a relevant and timely issue affecting children and teenagers.
3. Maintains a formal tone appropriate for discussing the topic.

Revision Suggestions:

1. Clarify and state the thesis statement clearly at the end of the introduction.
2. Strengthen transitions between paragraphs for better cohesion and flow.
3. Enhance sentence variety and word choices using strong, active verbs and descriptive
nouns to make the writing more engaging and precise.