A SHORT

T R E AT I S E
On Recreating the Bygone French Practice Known as

Fetchez la Vache.
C O M P ON E NT S

FETCHEZ LA VACHE BOARD

DOUBLING
64 CUBE

THE COW

DICE
CATAPULT MEDEEPLES
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 H I S T O RY
Fetchez la Vache was a brutal form of gladiatorial punishment dating back to tenth-century France. Captives of marauding
French armies were formed into teams and shoved onto a pitch surrounded by stands filled with highly excited French boors.
The teams had to manoeuvre their way to the far end of the pitch, capture a cow, and fight their way off the pitch again – all
while being bombarded by Gallic insults and catapulted farm animals. Though many a poor sod met their end on the Fetchez la
Vache pitch, the practice was not specifically designed to kill the English, but rather to subject them to a fate much worse than
death: embarrassment.

Fortunately, the shameful practice has faded into obscurity, along with animal trials, divorce by combat, compulsory archery, and
haggis. Fetchez la Vache is presented here, in miniaturised form and under protest, for educational purposes only, and to remind
the French that they aren’t so superior with their art and their striped shirts and their throaty r-phonetics. One need not know
how to play backgammon in order to participate in Fetchez la Vache (although it’s mildly beneficial), but proficiency with the
basic mechanics of Monty Python’s Cocurricular Mediaeval Reenactment Programme is required.1

SE T U P
For this recreation, the blood- and bile-soaked Fetchez la Vache pitch, known as le champ, is represented on a board. The
originators of the practice based it on (and ignobly perverted) the rules of the ancient game of backgammon. Therefore, the
Fetchez la Vache board is nearly indistinguishable from a standard backgammon board.

Two opposing sides (consisting of one or more persons) are positioned directly across from each other, with the board between
them. The opposing sides may be composed of any number of people, as long as they are all quite serious about History.

Each side controls a team, or escouade, composed of individual characters referred to as fetcheurs or, derogatorily, ‘English-types’.
Fetcheurs are represented on the board by wooden medeeples.

ESCOUADE SIZES
There may be any number of fetcheurs on each escouade, but generally speaking:
• Escouades of equal numbers are encouraged, but not essential.
• Escouades of 10 fetcheurs each work best. Smaller escouades mean less violence and shorter contests; larger escouades
mean more drawn-out contests.
• Retainers in the employ of PCs may join their employers on the pitch. They function in the same way as they do in
a Reenactment Programme, but they must stay with their employer at all times. They don’t count as members of an
escouade, nor are they represented on the board by individual medeeples.

If there are fewer than 10 Participant Characters in the party, Participants can fill out their escouade with NPC fetcheurs (see p. 3),
which they control along with their PCs.

LE CHAMP:
THE FETCHEZ LA VACHE BOARD
The board has twenty-four more or less triangular spaces that alternate in colour (this doesn’t have any impact on gameplay; it
just looks très chic that way). The board is separated into two halves by a bar, called le rempart, which creates four quadrants of six
triangles each. The quadrant directly in front of a participating side is referred to as its maison and the one next to it as its rue.

Over the course of a recreation, fetcheurs move from triangle to triangle as they traverse le champ. There is no limit to the number
of fetcheurs that can occupy a single triangle at a given time, and the medeeples may be positioned anywhere on a triangle, as long
as their bases are touching it.

1 To avail yourself of the book, visit your friendly neighbourhood reenactment programme shoppe or www.montypythonrpg.com.

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 ESCOUADES:
TEAMS AND THE FORMING THEREOF
Both sides are issued with medeeples: Black for one side, Red for the other. Each medeeple represents an individual fetcheur.
The colours of the medeeples match those of the triangles, but that doesn’t have any bearing on things. Neither does the fact
that the roughly triangular spaces have various Francophilic designs on them – unless you’re using the advanced ‘Lombardian
Rules’ (see p. 14).

To begin (and unlike backgammon), the board is empty except for a cow medeeple, which is placed in the pen at the end furthest
from both sides’ maisons.2

If the recreation is taking place within the context of a Monty Python’s Cocurricular Mediaeval Reenactment, each Participant
should choose a medeeple to represent their Participant Character, and they should control that medeeple throughout the
recreation. In these cases, the Head of Light Entertainment controls the opposing side.

If the recreation is taking place as a one-off research venture, both sides should generate escouades using the randomised
procedure below.

GENERATING FETCHEURS AND ESCOUADES

If the side opposing the PCs has not already been determined by the circumstances of their capture, the HoLE can generate an
opposing escouade by choosing from or rolling on the table below, then referring to the corresponding entries in ‘Historically
Accurate Persons Commonly Encountered in Mediaeval England’ (p. 218-225 of the Programme book). For a Fetchez la
Vache recreation, the relevant bits are an NPC’s die and list of Serious/Silly/Indifferent Traits. The other information, such
as ‘Deeds Required to Defeat’ and specific attacks and defences, is not used (see ‘Contestation vs. Conflit’, p. 9).

The book does not include NPCs’ Death and Loony statuses, which are not relevant to standard Cocurricular Reenactment.
For the purposes of Fetchez la Vache, use the Death and Loony statuses in the table below. These won’t have any bearing
on contestation resolution, but they will come into play – and must be tracked – when NPC medeeples are knocked over by
catapulted dice.

2 In Mediaeval Europe, the properly educated spoke French. Therefore, a number of authentic Frankish terms have been retained in this presentation. Oh, stop
whingeing! Be grateful we’re not throwing in Latin grammar. We could, you know. We’re classically educated. At least our editor is. Same thing.

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 NPC FETCHEURS

d20 NPC Starting Death Status Starting Looney Status Page No.

1 Aristocrat Fine, Fine Daft 218

2 Barbarian Mr. Neutron Barmy 218

3 Bard Getting Better Daft 219

4 Bishop Fine, Fine Sensible 219

5 Brigand Getting Better Sensible 219

6 Bureaucrat Not Dead Yet Reginald Maudling 220

7 Burgher Fine, Fine Sensible 220

8 Druid Mr. Neutron Daft 221

9 Guard Getting Better Daft 221

10 Hermit Virtually Dead Sensible 221

11 Knight Fine, Fine Daft 222

12 Legionnaire Fine, Fine Sensible 222

13 Ne’erdowell Not Dead Yet Sensible 223

14-15 Peasant Not Dead Yet Sensible 223

16 Soldier Fine, Fine Sensible 223

17 Sovereign Fine, Fine Sensible 224

18 Vicar Getting Better Sensible 224

19 Viking Mr. Neutron Barmy 225

20 Witch Not Dead Yet Barmy 225

Occasionally, French soldiers themselves deigned to participate, but only if they deemed a group of captives worthy of their
personal attentions. If that’s the case, the HoLE should use the relevant bits from the entry for French Chevrailleurs (p. 191 of
the Programme book).

Figure Deux. Legal and

Illegal Catapult Placement

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 O B J EC T O F T H E R E C R E AT I ON
The object of the recreation is for your escouade to move all the way around the board, from your maison to your opponent’s
maison, capturing the cow along the way, and then to move, with the cow, off the board. The escouade that does so first wins.

CATAP U L T I NG D I C E
As in backgammon, dice are rolled to determine movement. But 1,000 years ago on the Fetchez la Vache champ, farm animals launched by
French catapults performed that function. Therefore, for this recreation, the dice represent farm animals and are to be launched using catapults.

Prior to starting, each side chooses an end of the board from which it will launch.3 The selection is permanent, and on every turn –
both its own and its opponent’s – each side will launch one six-sided die into the far half of the board. The number showing on the
catapulted dice determines movement, as you’d expect, but each number also corresponds to a type of animal, which determines how
many bits of Death or Loony a PC or NPC incurs if their meeple is knocked over by a die. As the catapults were operated by French
bombardiers, ‘Tirez!’ is the traditional exclamation used upon launching an animal.

A catapult must be placed outside the board and behind an imaginary line that extends from the end of the board, but it may be
positioned anywhere behind that line for each shot.

Two dice must land in-play on each turn. If both sides miss the board or land their dice in the wrong (near) half, or their dice bounce out
of play, stand up any medeeples knocked over and ignore any effects from said knocking over (see below). Then both sides have another go.

If one side misses the board or lands its die in the near half, or its die bounces out of play, stand up any medeeples knocked over and ignore
any effects from said knocking over (see below). As punishment for the faux pas, the opposing side is granted the privilege of launching the
replacement die onto the board, from either end. If it misses the original launcher has another go, and so forth until one of you is able to put
the execrable thing into play. On the next turn, the original owner of the catapult takes over and dice launching proceeds as usual.

UNE PATATE DANS LA GUEULE:

BEING KNOCKED OVER BY A DIE
The French predilection for launching animals onto a playing field created dangerous conditions for fetcheurs. To simulate this for your
educational enhancement, each number on the die not only determines fetcheur movement, it also represents a type of animal commonly
used as ammunition by the French. If your medeeple is knocked flat by a die, your character suffers profound humiliation, naturally, but
also an additional effect, depending on the type of animal they’ve been hit with. Seeing an English-type knocked over by a farm animal
was considered highly entertaining, and was celebrated with the phrase ‘une patate dans la gueule!’, or ‘a potato in the mouth!’ – often
shortened to simply ‘patate!’

After the effect has been assessed, the medeeple is placed upright in its previous position. If the effect reduces a fetcheur to No More or
Coconuts, the medeeple is removed from the board.

Number Launched Animal Effect

1 Rat Contract the Plague. Heartiness can’t be higher than d4 until cured.

2 Fish 1 bit of Loony, and move Authority one degree towards Silly.

3 Chicken 1 bit of Loony, and move Valour one degree towards Silly.

4 Goat 1 bit of Death, and move Purpose one degree towards Silly.

5 Pig 1 bit of Death, and move Decorum one degree towards Silly.

6 Cow 2 bits of Death.

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 M OV ING FE T C HE U R S
Since both sides are trying to get their fetcheurs from their own maison to
their opponent’s (and from there off the board entirely), they move their
fetcheurs in opposite directions. Black, seated at the bottom, will be moving
its fetcheurs clockwise around the board, and Red, seated at the top, will be
moving its counter-clockwise. Fetcheurs can only move forward; no reverse
movement is allowed.

To begin, each side catapults one die into the opposite half of le champ.
This determines who goes first, as well as the numbers to be played. If
equal numbers result, then both sides launch again until they obtain
different numbers. Once differing numbers have been launched, the side
that launched the higher number moves two fetcheurs into its maison
according to the numbers showing. After that, the sides alternate turns. To
start a turn, each side launches a single die into the far half of le champ. The
player whose turn it is uses the results of both dice to move two fetcheurs
onto the board – or four if doubles are rolled (see ‘3. Doubles’, p. 7)

F ULL-ESCOUADE REQUIREMENT
A side’s first priority is to get its entire escouade onto the board. No fetcheur can advance until their entire escouade has been
rolled onto the board. Once all of the fetcheurs in an escouade are on le champ, that side can advance its fetcheurs however it likes,
according to the numbers showing on the dice. But there are four fiddly things about moving to keep in mind.

THE FOUR MOVEMENT RULES

1. ON LANDING ON TRIANGLES
Unlike backgammon, you can move a fetcheur to any triangle, no matter how many of your opponents’ fetcheurs are occupying it.
However, if it is occupied by one or more enemy fetcheurs, a conflit is triggered (see ‘Conflit: Contesting a Triangle’, p. 9).

2. ON CONVERTING DICE NUMBERS TO FETCHEUR MOVEMENT

The two numbers shown on the dice constitute two separate moves. If the dice show a 5 and a 3, you do not have 8 bits of
movement that you can spread around however you like. You have a 5 and a 3, which means that you may either:
a. Move one of your fetcheurs five triangles, and another fetcheur three triangles.
b. Move one fetcheur five triangles and then three more triangles (or vice versa).

In this example it’s Black’s turn, and the launched dice show a 5 and a 3.
Black’s entire escouade is on the field, so there are many options available.
We’ll look at three.

If Black wants to move the fetcheur that’s farthest from the opponent’s
maison – which is where it needs to go – they can move it a total of 8
spaces. But it’s important to specify whether the fetcheur is moving 5 spaces
then 3, or 3 then 5. ‘It’s 8 spaces of movement either way.

Does it matter?’ you ask. It matters a lot! In the latter case, the triangle 3
spaces away is unoccupied, and the one a further 5 spaces away is occupied by
a Black fetcheur, so there’s no conflit with Red. In the latter case, the triangle
5 spaces away is occupied by two Red fetcheurs, so using the 3 first triggers a
conflit (see p. 9). This must be resolved before the Black fetcheur can use the
3 and join its comrade 8 spaces away.

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Here’s another route Black might take in this circumstance.

Figure Quatre, parte B (at right) shows, Black takes the opportunity to
first move one of their fetcheurs into their opponent’s maison (with the
5), and then afford it some protection by moving another fetcheur to the
same triangle (with the 3). This doesn’t block the triangle, as it would in
backgammon; Red can still land on it and initiate a conflit, but it’ll have to
contend with two Black fetcheurs if it does.

And here’s a third possibility.

Black moves two of their fetcheurs onto a triangle occupied by three Red
fetcheurs. A bold move! A conflit is triggered, with two Black fetcheurs
attacking three Red.

3. DOUBLES
If doubles are launched, you don’t have two of the same number to use – you have four! So if you have a 3 and a 3, you have four
moves of 3 to use. You can move one fetcheur 3 spaces, four times; two fetcheurs 3 spaces, twice each; one fetcheur 3, another fetcheur
3, thrice; or whatever combination of moves of 3 you like.

4. MOVEMENT IS NOT OPTIONAL

You must use both numbers shown on the dice (or all four numbers, if you’ve got doubles). You cannot refuse to move a fetcheur
simply because it’s inconvenient – because, say, doing so will leave one of your fetcheurs in a vulnerable position or force you to
abandon the cow.

T H E C OW

To begin, the cow is at the farthest point from both sides’ maisons, in a pen between each side’s last triangle on its rue. Here she
will wait until a fetcheur captures her or she goes on a rampage.

LE TOUCHEUR: CAP TURING THE COW

A fetcheur in possession of the cow is known as the toucheur. The cow moves with her toucheur until the toucheur is dispossessed by the
other side, they hand it over to an escouademate on the same triangle, their Death/Loony status is reduced to No More/Coconuts, or
the cow goes on a rampage.

To capture the cow from her starting position in the pen, a fetcheur must:
1. Have enough moves to take them from the last triangle of their rue to the last triangle of the opposing side’s rue, which
is directly opposite. Moving from the former to the latter takes the fetcheur past the cow pen. The movement need not
start or end on these triangles, but it must take the fetcheur through both of them in the course of the turn.
2. Pause their move between the two triangles, and succeed in an Animal Husbandry Deed to convince the cow to come
along (see ‘Cow Demeanour’ below).
3. Complete their move – with cow in tow if the Deed has been successful,3 or sans bovine if not.4
3 Naturally (or quite unnaturally, if you think about it), this was usually accompanied by calls of ‘Touché!’ from French spectators.
4 A rebuff from the cow greatly amused French spectators, who would call out ‘Ah, la VACHE!’ or ‘Vachérie!’ at such times, much to the chagrin of the would-be toucheur.

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To capture the cow from a triangle, a fetcheur must:
1. Make a move that places them on the triangle where the cow is. This can be either the first or second part of their
movement, according to what the dice are showing. But they cannot capture the cow by merely passing over a triangle.
2. Defeat via conflit (see p. 9) any enemy fetcheurs occupying the triangle.
3. Succeed in an Animal Husbandry Deed to convince her to come along (see ‘Cow Demeanour’ below).

COW DEMEANOUR
Each time a fetcheur attempts to convince the cow to come along with them, an Animal Husbandry Deed is required. If it’s successful, the
toucheur need not make additional rolls to ensure the cow moves with them. However, the cow’s demeanour (and the number required to
succeed in an Animal Husbandry Deed) can change.

The doubling cube is used to track the cow’s demeanour and determine what number must be equalled or exceeded by the
would-be toucheur. To begin with, the cow is in good spirits. A fetcheur need only roll 2 or higher to make friends with her, so the
doubling cube is positioned near the board with the 2 showing. Each time the cow medeeple is knocked flat by a catapulted die,
the doubling cube is turned to the next highest number, indicating the cow’s increasing perturbedness. The loss of her toucheur in
a conflit also causes the poor cow considerable distress. When this happens, turn the doubling cube to the next highest number.
Subsequent attempts to convince the cow to come along must meet or exceed the new number shown on the doubling cube.

MOVING THE COW

Once the cow has been captured, she follows her toucheur around the board, moving with them and occupying the same triangle.
The toucheur can voluntarily leave the cow behind and proceed without her (most Mediaeval cows having mastered commands
like ‘sit’, ‘stay’, and ‘continue farting’), or transfer ownership to an escouademate sharing the same triangle. That fetcheur then
becomes the new toucheur without having to make an Animal Husbandry roll.

LA VACHE DÉCHAÎNÉE:
THE RAMPAGING COW
When the doubling cube reaches 64, the cow flies into a rage and cannot be convinced to do anything. The Frenchies trundle out
a new cow and put her in the pen: place the cow medeeple in the starting position, and reset the doubling cube to 2. This cow
is the new object of the recreation.

However, the enraged cow remains on le champ – and she goes on a rampage! She is now la vache déchaînée: an incapturable,
unpossessable, flatulent enemy to all! Place a backgammon checker (or other evocative object) on the board where her medeeple
was. This represents la vache déchaînée. On each turn thereafter she moves around the board according to the launched dice
results, before the active side makes its move. La vache déchaînée is not bound by the normal fetcheur movement rules and other
mechanics. To wit:
• If she’s hit with a catapulted die, she’s unaffected. She can’t get any more rampageous!
• She moves according to the sum of the dice, without using each die individually. She must move the full number of
triangles indicated by the dice.
• She can move in either direction around the board. If the sum of the dice is even, she moves in the same direction as
the Red escouade. If it’s odd, she moves in the same direction as the Black escouade.
• If she lands on a triangle occupied by fetcheurs (of either colour), she assails them with a ‘Fart in Your Specific
Direction’ attack (see the Cow entry on p. 280 of the Programme book). She can be attacked and defeated as per normal
Mediaeval Reenactment Programme contestation rules.
• If her movement takes her to the end of one side’s maison and beyond, she runs off le champ and is out of play thereafter.

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 C ONF L IT: C ONT E S T I NG A T R I ANG L E
Any time a fetcheur lands on an enemy-occupied triangle, a conflit is triggered: the two sides must go tête à tête to determine
who wins possession of the triangle. The attacking fetcheur chooses a Trait that both sides must use in the conflit,5 and each side
rolls the die associated with that Trait, Strewthing/Spamming and applying pluses/minuses from Accoutrements as per standard
contestation rules (see p. 30 of the Programme book). The fetcheur with the higher result wins the conflit (with ties going to
the initiator), and the loser’s medeeple is banished to le rempart. There it will remain until it can reenter the board. (For conflits
involving more than two fetcheurs, refer to ‘Multiple Attackers and Defenders’, p. 10.)

A conflit is triggered only if one of the die values corresponds to the position of an enemy-occupied triangle. If it doesn’t, the
moving fetcheur prances past the occupied triangle without any argy-bargy. However, the fetcheur doesn’t have to end its move
after winning a conflit. If a Black fetcheur has a 6 and a 2 to use, they can use the 2 to land on a Red-occupied triangle 2 spaces
away. If the motherfetcheur wins the resulting conflit, they can use the 6 to continue moving afterwards – even landing on another
Red-occupied triangle and initiating a second conflit! If the Black fetcheur loses the conflit initiated by the 2, they can use the 6
to reenter the board right away (see ‘Replonger: Reentering the Board from Le Rempart’, p. 10).

CONTESTATION VS. CONFLIT

There are two key differences between how ‘combat’ works in a standard Reenactment Programme and how it plays out in
Fetchez la Vache.
1. No Death or Loony Loss. Characters on the board do not inflict or suffer Death or Loony losses when confliting. On
le champ, the conflit is about demonstrating one’s superiority – expressed by straightforward opposing dice rolls – and
not so much about actually harming or killing the opponent. The only things that can inflict bits of Death or Loony are
catapulted animals (dice), la vache déchaînée (a rampaging cow), and being taunted while on le rempart (see ‘Le Rempart:
The Bar of Extreme Taunting and Humiliation’, p. 10).
2. ‘Deeds Required to Defeat’ Is Ignored. If an NPC loses the opposing die roll in a conflit, they are banished to
le rempart, no matter what the ‘Deeds Required to Defeat’ section says in Chapter VII of the Programme book.

CONFLIT AND THE COW

If le toucheur loses a conflit, they are banished to le rempart, as usual, but the cow doesn’t follow – it remains on that triangle until
another fetcheur can capture it. Losing her toucheur through conflit is a traumatic experience for the cow. Each time it happens,
the cow’s demeanour sours and the doubling cube must be turned to the next highest number.

INDIFFERENCE
Indifferences work in Fetchez la Vache much the same way as they do in standard Cocurricular Reenactment (see p. 34 of the
Programme book). In short, if a fetcheur is Indifferent to a Trait, they cannot roll a die for it, either to attack an enemy fetcheur or
when defending themselves. But that does not make them immune to the results of the conflit.

For example, say Black has two fetcheurs – an Enchanter (who’s Indifferent to Purpose) and a Monarch – on a triangle that’s
attacked by two Red fetcheurs. Red chooses Purpose for the Trait to be used, so everyone rolls their Purpose die as usual – except
the Enchanter, who’s Indifferent. If the Black Monarch can’t beat the rolls of the two Red fetcheurs, both of Black’s fetcheurs are
banished to le rempart – including the Enchanter. The fact that the Enchanter is Indifferent to Purpose didn’t protect them; it
removed them from the equation altogether.

Readers with keen strategic minds will have deduced that, when initiating a conflit, choosing a Trait that the defending fetcheurs
are Indifferent to guarantees victory. The attacking side is still required to roll its Trait dice. It cannot lose the conflit, but if a
Spam happens, a Demerit is earned as usual.

5 The Luck Defence is available as per usual, meaning that Luck can be substituted for any Trait as a defence (see p. 69 of the Programme book).

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 MULTIPLE ATTACKERS AND DEFENDERS
If more than one fetcheur from either or both sides is involved in a conflit, it works mostly the same way. The attacking side
chooses a Trait that all individuals on both sides will use, and each fetcheur rolls their die, Strewthing/Spamming and applying
pluses/minuses from Accoutrements as normal. The side with the highest individual die roll wins the triangle. All fetcheurs on
the winning side remain on the triangle, and all fetcheurs on the losing side are banished to le rempart.

If a side is able to bring multiple attacking fetcheurs to a single triangle on a turn (through skillful application of movement or by
rolling doubles), the conflit begins when all attackers have arrived, not when the first arrives.

L E REM PA RT : T HE BA R O F E XT R Ê M E
TAUNT ING AN D HU M I L I AT I ON
In days of yore, a fetcheur on le rempart was subjected to unspeakable verbal abuse and mockery by French spectators. Thus, for
each of their side’s turns that a fetcheur remains on le rempart, they suffer 1 bit of Loony. The turn that sent the fetcheur to le
rempart doesn’t count, nor does the opponent’s turn, if they’re next.

For example, on its turn, Red sends a fetcheur to attack a Black-held triangle. The Red fetcheur loses the conflit and is sent to le
rempart. Black takes its turn next, so the Red fetcheur on le rempart doesn’t suffer any Loony loss. However, if by the end of Red’s
next turn it has failed to get the fetcheur back onto the board, the fetcheur suffers 1 bit of Loony.

REPLONG ER: REENT E R I NG T H E B OA R D FR OM

L E R E M PA RT
A side cannot advance its fetcheurs on the board until all of those it has on le rempart have reentered, using the same process they
used to enter the board originally: the numbers on the dice determine which triangles in their maison a fetcheur lands on. In this
case, however, the manoeuvre is referred to as replonger.

FAILING TO REPLONGER
If the dice indicate that a fetcheur on le rempart must reenter on an enemy-occupied triangle, the fetcheur has no choice but to
initiate a conflit. If such a fetcheur loses the conflit, their replonger attempt is repelled, and they must return to le rempart. The die
they used to attempt the replonger is squandered, but on the same turn they can use the other die to try again. If they’re unable to
complete the replonger, the turn is over and that side must wait until its next turn to try again – and any of its fetcheurs remaining
on le rempart suffer 1 bit of Loony, as noted above.

F O UT R E L E CA M P :
MOV ING F ETC H E U R S O FF T H E B OA R D
To win, a side in possession of the cow must move all of its fetcheurs off le champ, a process known as foutre le camp. A side must
have its entire escouade in its opponent’s maison before it can begin moving the fetcheurs off, and a fetcheur in possession of the
cow must be the last one off. To move one or more fetcheurs off the board:
1. Launch the dice as per usual.
2. Remove from the board one fetcheur that occupies a triangle corresponding to each die (or up to four from the same
triangle if doubles show).
a. If you don’t have a fetcheur on a triangle indicated by a die, you must make a move with another fetcheur, if
possible. For example, if all of your fetcheurs are on the 4th, 5th, and 6th triangles of your opponent’s maison
and the dice show a 1 and a 2, you must move one fetcheur 1 and another 2, or one fetcheur a total of 3.

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 b. If you don’t have a fetcheur on the triangle(s) indicated by
the dice AND you don’t have any on higher-numbered
triangles, remove a fetcheur from the next-lowest triangle.

If a fetcheur in its opponent’s maison loses a conflit, it must reenter its own
maison as normal and move all the way back to its opponent’s maison before
foutre le camp can continue.

Once a fetcheur has left the board via foutre le camp, it may not reenter.

Here, Black has a 6-4, so two Black fetcheurs foutre le camp.

LE TOUCHEUR: THE LAST ONE OFF

The fetcheur in possession of the cow must be the last member of an escouade to leave the board. If a toucheur is required to foutre
le camp before all of their escouademates have exited, the toucheur must abandon the cow, leaving it on the triangle they just left.

Properly executing a foutre le camp requires keen strategic planning, lest a side driving for victory suddenly find itself cowless
and with only a few remaining fetcheurs to rectify the situation. Feeble tactics and unlucky dice can even result in the cow being
abandoned on a triangle when all of that side’s fetcheurs are on lower-numbered triangles. Since there’s no reverse movement, this
is something of a catastrophe. Grouping as many fetcheurs as possible – including the toucheur – on the first triangle (the ‘1 space’)
of the opponent’s maison before beginning foutre le camp is considered the safest approach.

For those who find themselves in such dire circumstances, however, an advanced manoeuvre, known as le débâclage, can provide
a glimmer of hope.

L E D É BÂC LAG E :
AN ADVANC ED MANO E U V R E FO R T HE
TAC T ICA L LY D E FI C I E NT
Since fetcheurs cannot move backwards, it’s possible for both
escouades to end up completely past each other on their way to their
opponents’ maisons. In such a case, the escouade not in possession of
the cow faces desperate circumstances. Without the possibility of
further conflit, they have no way of sending an enemy fetcheur to le
rempart in the hopes of delaying a victory. Nor can their own fetcheurs
be sent to le rempart – which would allow them to attempt reentry
in their maison and make additional conflits and cow interceptions
possible.

Here, all fetcheurs of both colours have moved beyond those of the
other escouade – but Red has the cow. It would seem that Black can
only avoid defeat if the catapulted dice eliminate the enemy forces
or drive the cow into a rampage before Red is able to exit the board.
But even if one of those things happens, how might Black hope to
capture the cow if its fetcheurs can’t move backwards?
In these cases – or at any other time it’s deemed tactically desirable – a side can voluntarily move one or more fetcheurs from the
board to the bar. This manoeuvre is known as le débâclage.

11
Here’s the procedure:
1. The side wishing to perform the débâclage announces its intention. This must be done before the dice are catapulted,
and the decision cannot be changed afterwards.
2. The dice are launched to begin the turn, as usual.
3. The side forgoes all board movement this turn, and instead removes one or more fetcheurs from the board and places
them on le rempart.
a. If the dice show two separate numbers (i.e., not doubles), the side must remove one fetcheur from anywhere on
the board and place it on le rempart. The side then chooses one of the dice and attempts to reenter the fetcheur
on that number’s triangle in its maison. The die that isn’t used is discarded – it cannot be used for additional
movement or reentry attempts.
b. Le Double Entendre: if the dice show doubles, the side must remove fetcheurs equal to one of the dice’s numbers
from anywhere on the board and place them on le rempart. The side then attempts to reenter those same
fetcheurs in its maison on that number’s triangle. So if double 5 is launched after débâclage has been announced,
five fetcheurs (or all of them, if fewer than five are on the board) must be moved to le rempart. All five then
immediately attempt to reenter their maison on the fifth triangle.
c. Le Fiasconnerie: if double 6 is rolled, the side must remove ALL of its fetcheurs from the board and place them
on le rempart (a result that was considered a rare delight by the hooting French jackanapes in attendance). The
side then immediately attempts to reenter all of them on the sixth triangle of its maison.

Nota bene: A side might be tempted to perform a débâclage when one or more of its fetcheurs has reached its opponent’s maison – the
thinking being that the fetcheur has nothing at all to do except wait around while the rest of the escouade does all the confliting, cow
capturing, and the like. But building up a sizeable force in the opponent’s maison can pay big dividends when the opponent’s fetcheurs
end up on le rempart and are seeking reentry. Vive la défense stratégique!

L E TRIO M P HE , LA D É FA I T E ,
AND THE A FT E R MAT H
If Fetchez la Vache is being recreated as a one-time educational exercise, winner and loser earn glory and suffer debasement,
respectively, as they would from any other similar activity. But there are no losers as long as everyone has rigorous
educational experiences!

If it’s being used in the context of a larger Reenactment Programme and is the result of a Beshrewment, the (surviving) PCs are
returned to the previous scene at the conclusion of the recreation. If the PCs have been victorious, a generous HoLE might grant
them a boon or two, in the form of Merits or loot. If they’ve lost – well, surely the humiliation is punishment enough…

If it’s being used in the context of a larger Reenactment Programme and comes about as the result of the PCs being captured by
French Chevrailleurs or some other narrative element, what happens afterwards is up to the Head of Light Entertainment. However,
it’s worth noting that, historically speaking, the French generally released their captives – winners and losers alike – after forcing them
to compete in Fetchez la Vache. The captors, often well lubricated by the end of the match, had usually derived immeasurable pleasure
from watching the captives being pummelled by catapulted animals and generally making fools of themselves. Afterwards, they often
couldn’t be arsed with them further. Better to release them so they might be captured and humiliated another day.

12
 6
FA SQ
Q. Can a fetcheur on le rempart be hit by catapulted dice?

A. Certainly. Indeed, a fetcheur perched on le rempart makes for an inviting target. If hit, they suffer the usual
effects (see p. 5), after which their medeeple is returned to le rempart…assuming they’re able to continue.

Q. Can I still earn an ‘Intercourse the Dice!’ (p. 31 of the Programme book) through earnest and inspired description
and reenactment?

A. Generally speaking, no. Fetchez la Vache is about tactical acumen and skillful dice rolling. That said, the
Head of Light Entertainment is encouraged to bestow +1s and/or Merits upon Participants who bring the proper
amount of creativity and brio to a conflit.

Q. Can I use my PC’s Spiffing Serious Ability?

A. You mean, ‘Can I cheat?’ That’s what you’re asking. ‘Am I allowed to bypass the strategic protocols of Fetchez
la Vache by doing some big magic stuff ?’ The answer is both ‘No’ and ‘Shame on you.’ Spiffing Serious Abilities
are disabled on the Fetchez la Vache pitch.

Q. Can I earn Merits and Demerits?

A. Oui. Sorry. Yes. Merits and Demerits are earned as they are in the standard Programme (see p. 35-36 of the
Programme book). The difference is that if you accrue the requisite amount of Demerits, you do NOT trigger an
immediate Beshrewment because…

Q. Can I–

A. Do put a sock in it. I wasn’t finished. …because in Fetchez la Vache, Beshrewments are postponed. They
are not suspended, however! At the end of a Fetchez la Vache session, Participants must consult their stack of
Demerits, and if the number accrued exceeds the HoLE Persona’s tolerance for such things, they suffer the
Beshrewment.

Q. Can I use Merits to buy extra dice and cancel Demerits?

A. Yes. Merits can be used in Fetchez la Vache as per usual.

Q. Can I use Bardistry, Druidry, and/or Purpose to heal bits of Death or Loony?

A. Yes. You may use those fancy healing abilities, but only on your side’s turn. If you want to use them on a
comrade, that fetcheur must be on the same triangle as you, or sharing le rempart with you.

Q. I really like my special Participant Character I created for the Reenactment Programme campaign. If they’re
captured by the French and end up on a Fetchez la Vache pitch, and if, in the course of competing in said match, they’re
made No More or Coconuts, they get to come back to life and sensibility after wards, right? What happens on le champ
doesn’t actually have any bearing on the very serious campaign and my very special PC, does it?

A. …

Q. Does it?

A. Must we really answer this? For shame. Yes – after the match is over, what happens on le champ has full
bearing on the PCs participating in it. That includes bits of Death/Loony incurred, No More/Coconuts statuses
reached, and Trait adjustments from Strewthing and Spamming. If a PC in a Reenactment Programme is No
Mored or Coconutted on the Fetchez la Vache pitch, you can promote a Retainer or turn an NPC teammate into
a PC, as per ‘Losing a PC’ (p. 42 of the Programme book).
6 Frequently Asked Stupid Questions.

13
 L ’É T I Q U E T T E
1. The dice must land flat on the board’s surface. A die must be relaunched if:
a. It lands or bounces off the board.
b. It does not land flat.
In either case, any medeeples that were struck are stood upright, without incurring any effects from being knocked over.
2. A side’s turn is completed when it picks up the dice and hands one to its opponent for launching. If the active side’s
move is incomplete or incorrect, its opponent has the option of accepting the move as made or allowing the other side
to make a legal move. A move is deemed to have been accepted when the opponent launches a die.
3. If a side launches before its opponent has indicated that they’ve completed their turn, the rude and impatient side’s roll
is ignored, and the offended side has the option of launching both dice that round, from either catapult.
4. When it comes to avoiding catapulted animals, cowering miserably against the inner wall of a Fetchez la Vache arena is
certainly safer than standing closer to the middle of the pitch, at a triangle’s tip, feet spread wide in defiance. Recreators
must decide for themselves what sort of posture is more befitting an Englishman – and Heads of Light Entertainment
are encouraged to reward/penalise accordingly.

L O M BA R D I AN R U L E S
Though historians disagree on the exact date and location of the first Fetchez la Vache event, most acknowledge that the practice
originated in the Lombard region of France in the tenth century. At this time, the region was ruled by a particularly nefarious
marquis, whose army of taunting profligates harassed the shores of the Sceptred Isle unceasingly, and even managed to capture a
number of English castles. These invaders subjected captives to a version of Fetchez la Vache that many ‘purists’ – if such a term
may be applied to such barbarous enthusiasts – consider to be the original, true form.

The Lombardian version differs from standard Fetchez la Vache in two ways: a wall, known as le haut mur, separates the two
halves of the pitch, and Traits used in conflits are determined by the triangle being contested.

ADDITIONAL COMPONENTS

CHECKERS

THE WALL

LE HAU T MUR: THE HIGH WALL

To recreate Fetchez la Vache à la Lombard, you will need the replica wall and 15 of the backgammon checkers. Place the wall
component in the crevice between the two halves of the board, and place the stack of 15 checkers on the table nearby. The wall
component does not affect movement from one side of the board to the other or the purpose and functionality of le rempart.

14
HITTING LE HAUT MUR
As you will have noticed, le haut mur increases the difficulty of landing a catapulted die in the far half of the board. However,
unlike in standard Fetchez la Vache, a catapulted die doesn’t have to land in the far half. If a die hits le haut mur and lands in either
half of the board, the launch is valid: the die number is used and any medeeples knocked over incur the effect corresponding to
the number showing. Indeed, skillful Lombardian bombardiers were known to intentionally carom animals off le haut mur in
order to target captives on the near half of the pitch.

Each time le haut mur is hit by a die that lands in play, remove checkers from the stack according to the type of animal that
hit it (i.e., the number showing on the die). When no more checkers remain in the stack, le haut mur suffers l’effondrement: a
catastrophic collapse.

L’EFFONDREMENT: FRENCHY WALL IS FALLING DOWN

When le haut mur collapses, do two things:
1. Remove the wall component and set it aside. It is out of play for the remainder of the recreation.
2. Remove all medeeples from le rempart and the four triangles immediately next to it. All of the fetcheurs represented
by these medeeples are no longer involved in the match, as they are all dead for the remainder of eternity. If the cow
is caught under the collapsing mur, she’s kaput too; move the cow medeeple to the starting pen to indicate a new cow
and reset the doubling die to 2.

CONFLIT: NO CHOICE OF TRAITS

The attacking side is not automatically granted the choice of Trait to be used in a conflit – it’s determined by the triangle
they’re contesting. 7

Triangle Design Traditional Name Trait To Be Used in Conflit

Baguettes Notre Pain Quotidien Heartiness

Cheese La Cave au Fromage Subtlety

Fleurs de Lys Les Lys de Fer Purpose

Snails Passer le Beurre Purpose

Futuristic Iron Tower Le Connard Rouillé Wisdom in the Ways of Science

Croissants Dis-le Correctement Authority

Becoconutted Swallows L’éternel Débat Argumentation

Trebuchet La Catapulte Francisée Strategy

Weapons La Flaque de Sang Valour

Trojan Rabbit La Folie des Anglais Random (roll a d18)

Sheep Le Tas de Moutons Defender’s Choice

Frogs’ Legs Le Croustillant du Kermit Attacker’s Choice

7 The Luck Defence is available as per usual, meaning that Luck can be substituted for any Trait as a defence (see p. 69 of the Programme book).

15
 A SHORT

T R E AT I S E
On the Hostile Castle Besiegement Simulation Known as

Squashez les Anglais.

C O M P ON E NT S

SQUASHEZ LES ANGLAIS BOARD

DOUBLING
DICE 64 CUBE

CATAPULT THE WALL CHECKERS MEDEEPLES

16
 H I S T O RY
Squashez les Anglais is a castle siege and defence simulation that may be used for one-off educational purposes, to hone one’s
catapultation skills, or as part of a broader Cocurricular Mediaeval Reenactment Programme. It does not have a direct historical
analogue – although, tragically, many brave les anglais were squashezed into the hereafter by French catapult projectiles. It should
go without saying that the activity presented here is not intended to be a celebration of Gallic atrocities, and at no point during
a session of Squashez les Anglaise should any expression of mirth be permitted. Unless the English side wins, in which case a
reasonable and not-embarrassing degree of emotion is allowed.

Proficiency in or experience with Monty Python’s Cocurricular Mediaeval Reenactment Programme is not required in order for
participants to partake in a session of Squashez les Anglaise.

SE T U P
Two opposing sides (consisting of one or more persons) are positioned directly across from each other, with the board between
them. The board is placed with its outer sides facing up, and the opposing sides take up positions along the shorter edges. The
opposing sides may be composed of any number of people, as long as they are all quite serious about History, and there needn’t
be an equal number of people on each side.

Place the replica wall component in the crevice between the two halves of the board, and place a stack of 15 checkers on the table
nearby. This is the wall’s stack.

The side representing the dastardly French occupiers takes up position on the castle end of the board, claims 10 medeeples, and
deploys all of them to the castle’s eight towers, arranging them however it likes.

The side representing the brave English besiegers takes up position on the forest end of the board and lays claim to the remaining
15 checkers (i.e., those not being used for the wall stack), 10 medeeples, the cow medeeple, and the doubling cube. The English
side has no medeeples on the board to begin with, but it does have the option of deploying some or all of its checkers (see
‘Battlefield Engineering’, p. 19).

V IC TO RY C ON D I T I ONS
The object of Squashez les Anglaise is to defeat the opposing side and win/retain control of the castle.

For the French side, that means eliminating all of the English besiegers by knocking over their medeeples with catapulted dice.

The English side has two ways of winning:

• By eliminating all of the French occupiers by knocking over their medeeples with catapulted dice or by scaling the wall.
• By bringing down the wall.

17
 CATAP U L T I NG D I C E
To start with, only the French side needs a dice catapult. The English can earn catapult shots into the castle over the course of
the battle, but the French will launch one die on each of their turns.

A catapult can only be fired from behind the board, but it may be positioned anywhere along the board’s edge for each shot.

Figure 3742-c. Legal and Illegal Catapult Positions

SQUAS H EZ : EL I M I NAT I NG M E D E E P L E S
When a medeeple is knocked flat (squashezed) by a catapulted die, it is removed from play. It doesn’t matter if it’s knocked over
straight away or after the die has caromed around the board or off the wall or other objects – if a launched die knocks it over, it’s
au revoir for that medeeple. But only the die can squashez a medeeple; if a medeeple is knocked over by another medeeple or a
checker that’s been hit, it’s not a squashez, and the medeeple is placed upright again.

T HE WA L L
If the wall is hit on the fly8 by a die launched by either side, remove checkers from the wall’s stack equal to the number showing
on the die after it’s stopped bouncing around. It doesn’t matter where the die lands – be it on the board, table, floor, or the back
of a ferret crouching beneath someone’s chair.

When there are no more checkers in the wall’s stack, the wall comes tumbling down and the English side wins…assuming there’s
at least one English medeeple remaining to claim the castle.

INITIATING T H E AC T I V I TY
The English side, if it so chooses, deploys some or all of its checkers to its side of the board (see ‘Battlefield Engineering’,
p. 19). Each side rolls a die, rerolling ties. The side with the higher roll goes first. Thereafter, the sides alternate turns until
one emerges victorious.

8 A die that hits the board first and bounces or rolls into the wall does no damage – no checkers are removed from the wall’s stack. But this feeble and embarrassing
attempt still counts as a valid shot, insofar as medeeple movement and knocking over are concerned.

18
 ON TH E FR E NC H T U R N
For the French side, it’s très simple: on each turn, catapult one die over the wall and onto the other side of the board in an attempt
to knock over enemy medeeples, thereby removing them from play. If the English side runs out of medeeples before either of its
victory conditions are met, c’est la victoire des français!

Once the French side has deployed its medeeples at the beginning, it cannot move them (though they can be removed by
certain occurrences). So the French side’s only job is to let fly each turn in the hopes of inflicting maximum casualties among
the besiegers.

FRENCH WALL-HITTING
If a die launched by the French hits the wall and bounces back into the French half of the board – mon Dieu! It’s a potential
catastrophe. Not only does the wall take damage as usual (see ‘The Wall’, p. 18), but there’s a high likelihood of French medeeples
being squashezed by the caromed die. Merde!

ON T H E E NG L I S H T U R N
The brave besiegers have more options on their turn. But first they can construct defensive bulwarks in preparation for their attack.

BATTLEFIELD ENGINEERING
Before things get underway, the English side may deploy some or all of its 15 checkers on the forest side of the board, creating
stacks, towers, walls, or whatever other constructions might afford its medeeples some protection from flying, bouncing dice. A
medeeple knocked over by a checker that has been hit by the die is not squashezed. Stand that medeeple back up and carry on!

Once deployed, a checker cannot be voluntarily moved, repositioned, or restacked, but a medeeple can clamber on top or over
checkers as part of its movement. If a checker is knocked off the board by a catapulted die, it is removed from play.

If the English side does not deploy all of its checkers before the contest begins, it may add some or all of them later, at the
beginning of any of its turns.

ENTERING THE BOARD AND MOVING

To begin with, the English side’s medeeples are placed off the board, in its reserve. At the beginning of each turn, the English
side rolls (far away from the board) one die of each colour.

The number on the black die indicates how many medeeples must be added to the board from the reserve. Medeeples
entering the board can do so anywhere along the edge that’s furthest from the castle. Any place ‘below the road’ is fine. When
the English reserve is empty, forgo the black die roll.

The number on the red die indicates how much total movement is available to the English medeeples that turn. Movement
is measured in ‘cows’. First, the cow medeeple is placed (temporarily) on the board, touching the medeeple to be moved. That
medeeple is then moved to the other end of the cow, and the cow is removed. All of that constitutes ‘1 cow’ of movement. Thus
the cow is never on the board during the French turn; it is simply a tool for measurement.

The movements indicated by the red die can be distributed among on-board medeeples in any way. If a 5 is rolled on
the red die, the English side can move one medeeple 5 cows, one medeeple 1 cow and two others 2 cows each – and so forth.

The goal of all this cow-measured movement is for a medeeple to make it to the wall before it’s squashezed by a catapulted die. Once
an English medeeple touches the wall, the English side takes one of two actions immediately: Launch a Die or Scale the Wall.

19
 LAUNCH A DIE
Fire one die with the catapult from the English side of the board, following the normal rules (see ‘Catapulting Dice’, p. 18).
The target might be French medeeples on the other side of the wall or the wall itself, either of which can help fulfil an English
victory condition. Targeting the wall is more dangerous, though, since medeeples knocked over by a caromed die are squashezed
and removed from play. When the launching action is complete, the medeeple touching the wall is removed from the board and
returned to the English reserve.

Of course, French medeeples deployed to the towers closest to the wall will be very difficult to hit, the laws of physics and
pedantry being what they are. To get at those blighters, the besiegers will have to employ a different tactic, namely…

SCALE THE WALL

THE SIEGE TOWER
In order to take this action, the English side must first advance a siege tower, represented by the doubling cube, to the base of
the wall.

The siege tower may be entered on the board in place of a medeeple – however, it does not move by itself. To move the siege
tower, two medeeples must be touching it. Once this condition has been met, the siege tower and both medeeples move as one
piece, using standard, cow-measured movement. If one or both of the medeeples is squashezed, the tower cannot be moved until
other medeeples arrive and take their place. Medeeples may ‘detach’ themselves from the siege tower at any time and resume
independent movement.

The siege tower itself is indestructible and isn’t removed from play if hit by flying or bouncing dice. If it is knocked off the board,
however, it is returned to the English reserve and can reenter as usual. Once the siege tower has been moved across the field and
is touching the wall, the option to Scale the Wall is unlocked, and remains so for the rest of the session.

SCALING THE WALL

When a medeeple touches the wall, instead of firing a shot with the catapult, the English side may choose to send the medeeple
over the top for some close-quarters action. The English side chooses any of the eight towers and removes all French medeeples
from it. They are run through by sturdy British steel, tossed into the moat, scattered like les cafards…flavour it however you like;
those medeeples are removed from play.

After the wall has been scaled, the English medeeple that initiated the action is not returned to the reserve. It has performed its
heroic part in this event and is removed from play.

L E T RIO M P H E , LA D É FA I T E ,
AND T H E A FT E R MAT H
Squashez les Anglaise is a diverting, repeatable one-time educational exercise in which glory and the agony of defeat go hand-
in-hand into the murky sunset. But there are no losers as long as everyone has a stirringly serious educational experience!

It can also be used in the context of a larger Reenactment Programme to resolve a situation in which a castle must be taken
or defended. In these cases, it’s usually better to avoid assigning medeeples to specific PCs and attempting to use standard
contestation rules. A better option is to use the activity as a means of resolving the situation in a more symbolic way, before
returning to the regularly scheduled Reenactment Programme afterwards.

20
 OFFICIAL PRONUNCIATION GUIDE FOR
UP-AND-COMING FRENCH TONGUES
Escouade start with ‘ess’, as in the letter; then koo-ahd. Ignore the e at the end.

La Maison ‘la’, as in the musical note; and ‘mayzone’ – but don’t really articulate the ‘n’, just go ‘hohn-hohn-hohn’ and wiggle your
eyebrows suggestively. Good.

La Rue as in to ‘rue’ the day. Yes, that’s it!

La Vache ‘vash’, like rash.

Le Champ ‘leuh’, like when you’re not sure what you’re going to say next but you thought it would start with ‘l’; ‘schomp’ – easy
on the p; just close your mouth on the ‘m’ and leave it at that.

Le Rempart ‘rem-’ is somewhere between ‘ram’ and ‘rem’; -pah(r) – no ‘t’ sound, s’il vous plaît!

Patate ‘pah-taht’.

Une patate dans la gueule ‘oon pah-taht dahn lah guhl’.

Tirez ‘tee-ray’. ‘Tirer un coup’ is to be avoided, however, as it means a bit of how’s your père. Learning French has its ups and
downs, you know.

Très Chic ‘tray’ (don’t bother with the authentic ‘r’ sound – if you’re not French you’ll never, ever get it, and they wouldn’t be
impressed if you did. And let’s not hear the ‘s’ – it’s silent, as though it weren’t there); ‘sheek’ – chic like a sheikh!

Sorry, don’t look for ‘fetchez’ or ‘fetcheur’ in a dictionary or this Pronunciation Guide – they’re not French words, certainement pas!

21
 A SHORT

T R E AT I S E
O n th e GAM E of

Backgammon. 9

C OM P ON E NT S

BACKGAMMON BOARD

DOUBLING
DICE 64 CUBE
CHECKERS

9 Players need not have any knowledge of Monty Python’s Cocurricular Mediaeval Reenactment Programme in order to enjoy a brisk and refreshing game of
backgammon, nor is backgammon proficiency required in order to enjoy a bloody and traumatising recreation of Fetchez la Vache.

22
 H I S T O RY
Backgammon was invented a long time ago. Many people have played it, and some of them are dead.

SE T U P
Backgammon is a board game for two players, who sit across from each other on the long sides of the board. The board has
twenty-four triangles, or ‘points’, that alternate in colour (this doesn’t have any impact on gameplay; it just looks nice that way).
The board is separated into two halves by a bar, called ‘the bar’, which creates four quadrants of six triangles each. The two
quadrants directly in front of a player are referred to as that player’s ‘home board’ and ‘outer board’.

Each player has 15 checkers (or ‘pieces’ or ‘men’ or ‘draughts’ or ‘little circle things’). The colours of the checkers usually match
those of the triangles, but that doesn’t have any bearing on anything. Neither does the fact that the triangles are triangles. Not
sure why they chose that shape, but the person who invented the game died several thousand years ago, so we’d need a séance to
get to the bottom of it.

To begin play, the board is always set up the same way. Each player chooses a set of checkers (Black and Red in this case) and
places five of them on a particular triangle in their own home board, three on a particular triangle in their outer board, five – look,
it’s much simpler if we just show you. In this example, Black is sitting at the bottom and Red at the top.

Here, Black’s home board is the lower-left quadrant, and Red’s is the upper-
left one, but the game works just as well if Black’s is lower right and Red’s is
upper right. The initial setup would look the same, just mirrored.

Traditionally, each player has their own pair of six-sided dice and a dice cup.
Most backgammon sets also come with a six-sided die with weird numbers
on it – that’s the ‘doubling cube’, which is used only if you’re gambling on
the results. (We’ll get into that later, but we’re obliged to remind you that
gambling on board games is a degenerate activity for people of flaccid moral
fibre.)

O B J EC T O F T H E GA M E
The object of the game is to move all your checkers around the board and onto your own home board, and then to move them
off the board, or ‘bear them off ’. The first player to bear off all their checkers wins the game.

23
 C H EC K E R M OV E M E NT
Since both players are trying to get their checkers into their own home
boards, which are at opposite ends of the board, the players move their
checkers in opposite directions. Using this setup, Black moves their checkers
clockwise around the board, and Red moves theirs counter-clockwise. The
checkers can only move forward; no reverse movement is allowed.

To begin, each player rolls one die. This determines who goes first as well as
the numbers to be played. If both players roll the same number, they reroll
until they get different numbers. The player who rolls the higher number
goes first and moves their checkers according to the numbers showing. After
that, the players take turns rolling two dice and moving their checkers.

On their turn, a player must move one or more of their checkers over the
number of triangles indicated by the dice. But there are four fiddly things
about moving to keep in mind:

1. You cannot move a checker to a triangle occupied by two or more opposing checkers.
As far as your checkers are concerned, that triangle is blocked until your opponent moves one or more of their checkers off it.
Therefore, you can only move your checker to an ‘open’ triangle. An open triangle is one that is:
a. Unoccupied.
b. Occupied by any number of your own checkers.
c. Occupied by exactly one of your opponent’s checkers (see ‘Hitting’, p. 25).

2. The two numbers you roll constitute two separate moves.

If you roll a 5 and a 3, you do not have 8 bits of movement that you can spread around however you like. You have a 5 and a 3,
which means that you may either:
a. Move one of your checkers five spaces to an open triangle, and another checker three spaces to an open triangle.
b. Move one checker five spaces to an open triangle, and then move it three more spaces to another open triangle (or
vice versa). In these cases, one checker can move a total of 8 spaces, but only if there are open triangles where the 5
and 3 moves (or vice versa) end.

In this example, Black has a 5 and a 3 to begin the game. There are many
movement options available, but we’ll look at two.

If Black wants to start moving one of their checkers that’s farthest from
home (bottom left), they can move it 3, because that space is open, and then
move it 5 more, because that space is also open. But Black cannot do the
opposite, moving the checker 5 and then 3, because the triangle 5 spaces
away is blocked. ‘It’s 8 spaces of movement either way. Does it matter?’ you
ask. It matters a lot! Imagine if Black rolls a 5 and a 3 later in the game,
when the board looks like Figure 3.

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 Now, the triangles 5 spaces AND 3 spaces away are both blocked. So even
though the triangle 8 spaces away is open, Black can’t move this particular
checker with a roll of 5-3.

Okay, let’s go back to the opening setup to see what else Black might do
with that 5-3.

Here, Black takes the opportunity to move one of the checkers from their
outer board into their home board (with the 5), and then protects it by
moving another checker to the same triangle (with the 3). This is a safer,
more strategic move because it:
• Gets a checker into Black’s home board.
• Doesn’t leave any checkers alone and vulnerable to being ‘hit’ by
Red (see ‘Hitting’, below).
• Blocks a space. This makes it harder for Red not only to move
the checkers farthest from their home board, but also to ‘reenter’
checkers that have been hit (see ‘Reentering’, p. 26).

3. If you roll doubles, you don’t have two of the same number to use – you have four!
So if you roll a 3 and a 3, you have four moves of 3 to use. You can move one checker 3 spaces, four times; two checkers 3 spaces,
twice each; one checker 3, then another checker 3, thrice; or whatever combination of moves of 3 you like – as long as each one
ends on an open triangle.

4. You must use both numbers of your roll (or all four numbers, if you’ve rolled doubles) if doing so is legally possible.
When only one number can be played, you must play that number. If either number can be played, but not both, you must play
the larger one. When neither number can be used, you lose your turn and must gather up your dice and watch forlornly as your
opponent takes their next go. In the case of doubles, when you can’t play all four numbers, you must play as many as you can.
You cannot refuse to move a checker simply because it’s inconvenient – because, say, doing so will leave one of your checkers in
a vulnerable position.

HI T T I NG
And now for some violence. A checker that’s alone on a triangle is vulnerable to being ‘hit’ – i.e., landed on by one of your
opponent’s checkers. If your opponent hits a lone checker – also called, rather demeaningly, a ‘blot’ – you must move the poor
bugger off the board and onto the bar. There it will remain until it can reenter the board.

It’s only a hit if one of your opponent’s die numbers corresponds to the position of the blot. If it doesn’t, the opponent’s checker passes
over the blot, leaving it unmolested. However, the hitter doesn’t have to end their whole move at that triangle for it to count as a hit.
If you’ve got a blot 2 triangles away, and your opponent rolls a 6-2, they can use the 2 to hit you, then move that stinker another 6 if
they choose. And if you’ve got another blot where that 6 lands, then you’ve had two checkers sent to the bar in one turn!

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 RE E NT E R I NG
If you have one or more checkers on the bar, you must get them back onto the board before you can do anything else. To reenter
a checker, roll your dice as you would to begin any other turn. Then move a checker that’s on the bar to an open triangle on your
opponent’s home board that corresponds to your roll. Therein lies the punishment for getting hit: you must reenter the checker
in the quadrant farthest away from where you want it to be, which is on your own home board.

If you can’t get a checker off the bar because the triangles corresponding to your roll are blocked, you lose your turn. If you’re
unlucky enough to find yourself with multiple checkers on the bar, and can reenter some but not all of them, you must enter as
many as possible and wait for your next turn.

Let’s take a look at an example.

It’s Black’s turn, and they’ve got a checker on the bar. They roll a 4-6. Red
has four checkers on the 6 triangle, so it’s blocked. No reentry possible
there (or on the 5 for that matter, which has two Red pieces on it). But the
4 triangle is open, so Black may – in fact must – use the 4 to reenter the
checker. From there, Black may use the 6 as per usual.

On the other hand, if the board looks like this and Black rolls the same 4-6,
they cannot reenter their checker at all and their turn is lost.

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 B E A R I NG O FF
Once you’ve moved all fifteen checkers onto your home board, you may begin bearing off. On your turn, roll your dice as usual,
then bear off checkers that occupy triangles corresponding to the numbers. If you don’t have a checker on a triangle indicated by
the roll, you must make a move with another checker, if possible. If you don’t have a checker on a triangle indicated by the roll
AND you don’t have any on a higher-numbered triangle, you remove a checker from the next lowest point.

If you leave a blot and it gets hit during the bearing-off process, you must reenter it as normal and move it all the way back to
your home board before continuing to bear off. The first player to bear off all fifteen checkers wins the game.

Black rolls a 6-4 and bears off two checkers.

D EG ENERAT E GA M BL I NG R U L E S
Backgammon is sometimes played for an agreed stake per point. Each game has a beginning value of one point. During the course
of the game, a player may propose that the stakes be doubled. They do so at the start of their turn, before rolling the dice – this is
where the ‘doubling cube’ (mentioned in ‘Setup’ on p. 23) comes into play.

A player who is offered a double may refuse to accept it – but they then concede the game and pay one point. Otherwise, they
accept the double, the cube is turned to the next highest number, and the sides play on for the new stake. A player who accepts
a double becomes the owner of the doubling cube and only they may propose the next double. Subsequent doubles in the same
game are called redoubles. If a player refuses a redouble, they must pay the number of points of the current stake. Otherwise, they
become the new owner of the cube and the game continues at twice the previous stake.

GAMMONS AND BACKGAMMONS

At the end of the game, if the losing player has borne off at least one checker, they lose only the value showing on the doubling
cube (or one point, if there have been no doubles). However, if the loser has not borne off any of their checkers, they are
‘gammoned’ and lose twice the value shown on the doubling cube. Worse still, if the loser has not borne off any of their checkers
and still has a checker on the bar or on the winner’s home board, they are ‘backgammoned’ and lose three times the value shown
on the doubling cube.

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 EXCESSIVELY DEGENERATE GAMBLING RULES
The following optional rules are common among rogues, ruffians, and rapscallions.

1. Automatic doubles. If both players get identical numbers on the first roll, the stakes are automatically doubled. The doubling
cube is turned to 2 and remains in the middle (i.e., it’s not ‘owned’ by either player).

2. Beavers. When a player is doubled, they may immediately redouble, or ‘beaver’, while retaining possession of the cube. The
original doubler has the option of accepting or refusing this, as with a normal double.

3. The Jacoby Rule. Gammons and backgammons count only as a single game if neither player has offered a double during
the course of the game. This rule speeds up play by eliminating situations where a player avoids doubling so they can play
on for a gammon.

ET I Q U E T T E
1. The dice must be rolled together and land flat on the board. Technically, the half of the board to each player’s right is
correct, but as long as the dice are together, and the players agree beforehand, it doesn’t matter which half the dice are
rolled in. The player must reroll both dice if:
a. The dice land on opposite sides of the bar.
b. A die lands outside the board completely.
c. A die lands on a checker, or does not land flat.
2. A player’s turn is completed when they pick up their dice. If the players are sharing a single pair of dice, the active
player should indicate that they have finished. If the active player’s move is incomplete or incorrect, their opponent has
the option of accepting the move as made or allowing the player to make a legal move. A move is deemed to have been
accepted when the opponent starts their own turn by rolling the dice or offering a double.
3. If a player rolls before their opponent has given clear indication that they’ve completed their turn, the rude and
impatient player’s roll is ignored.

To acquire physical versions of the components listed here, visit montypythonrpg.com.

Written by Brian Saliba and Craig Schaffer

Rulebook layout by Chandler Kennedy and Audrey Stolze
Game board and component art by Elliot Lang
© 2023 Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd. Under license to Bravado Merchandising. All rights reserved.

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