13

Being Too Good

S o m e difficulties that therapists and patients face arise when either one i n
the pair seems too good for the other. The painful consequences o f such a situ­
ation was brought home when a therapist (Elaine) sought help w i t h the seri­
ous suicide attempt o f her patient (Susan).
Elaine was lovely, well dressed, well spoken, a pleasure to see and be with.
She described her patient as extremely disturbed, unpleasant, and ugly. Elaine
felt she had done wonders with Susan. Susan was becoming a therapist like
Elaine, b u t she never seemed far f r o m breakdown or suicide. She pushed her­
self every step o f the way. What seemed to come easily to Elaine was a series o f
impossible hardships for Susan.
As Elaine spoke, I felt sympathy w i t h Susan. Elaine depicted a t o r m e n t e d
being, always near zero, somehow managing to keep going w i t h a b l i n d persis­
tence that kept splattering a n d starting again. Susan's suffering was immense.
What a sensitive, determined person she must be to come t h r o u g h her d i f f i ­
culties, battling enormous odds. I wondered i f her difficulties made her more
sensitive with patients.
How taken back I was when Elaine responded to my thoughts w i t h emphatic
negation. Elaine was exasperated w i t h Susan's d e m a n d i n g anger, low self­
esteem, hysterical clutching, fragmentation. She was tired o f Susan incessantly
drowning i n a raging, bottomless p i t o f worthlessness. She wanted m o r e for
her patient. She felt Susan should and could be doing better, that there was a
h u m p to get over that Susan was p u l l i n g back f r o m . Susan was afraid to give u p
suffering and leap i n t o and sustain a better existence. Elaine was angry at
Susan for still being so t o r t u r e d after all their work.
Elaine felt that her impatience was o n the side o f life. She d i d n o t want to
sink i n t o the cesspool o f self-loathing that sucked Susan down. Elaine's was the
voice o f health. She extended a hand to lift Susan o u t o f the muck. Susan took
that hand, but could h o l d o n only for short bursts. Elaine feared my sympathy
with Susan's suffering was an invitation for Susan to regress and die out. Elaine's
150 Psychic Deadness

tendency was to be actively encouraging, h o p i n g Susan would latch o n t o the

taste o f life and n o t let go.
Ostensibly, Elaine seemed to have more faith i n her patient than I . She
appealed to Susan's strengths, while I seemed sympathetic to her weakness.
Elaine and I were i n danger of becoming polarized against each other. We could
cut her patient u p and throw pieces at each other. I felt defensive. I d i d n ' t mean
to succumb to weakness so much as acknowledge how tough i t was for Susan
and how courageous she was to persistently come through such suffering. Elaine
and I quickly felt unjustly picked o n by the other. She felt my sympathy
with Susan as criticism o f herself. She wanted me on her side, n o t her patient's.
She attacked me because she felt attacked or i n the c o l d , as she feared I
felt she somehow left Susan i n the cold. She came to me for help, n o t to be
picked o n .
I shut up and sat with my feelings awhile, awash i n self-doubt. I felt badly
that I j u m p e d i n too quickly on the side o f her patient's pain. I felt a flaw or
hole i n my own personality, my impatience and inability to let b u i l d . I started
going down the tubes, angry at myself for messing u p the consultation. Maybe
there was time to recoup and start over. Maybe we c o u l d give each other
another chance.
But when I opened up and tried to start f r o m scratch, the same t h i n g began
to happen again. Elaine was beautiful and gifted, b u t seemed filled with her­
self. Again my sympathies shifted to her suffering patient. I n a few moments
Elaine and I would be polarized again. She would feel left out, rejected, j u d g e d .
We w o u l d not be able to work together. C o u l d n ' t I identify with b o t h Elaine
and Susan at the same time? What about Elaine's suffering and struggles? Elaine
worked h a r d on herself and had come a l o n g way. Surely I appreciated her love
o f creativeness. Was I threatened by a beautiful and b r i g h t woman? D i d I be­
come hostile/defensive to cover my fear? I struggled to stay open.
Still, the more I listened to Elaine, the more the gap between Elaine and
Susan grew. Susan was taxing, inaccessible, unappreciative, eternally frustrated
and frustrating. Elaine was nourishing, creative, emotionally honest, present.
Elaine b r o u g h t the good stuff into the r o o m and Susan the bad stuff. Susan
kept falling t h r o u g h a hole i n herself; Elaine kept b r i n g i n g her back. Elaine
wondered how long she could go on picking Susan u p i n face o f the undertow.
Elaine d i d n o t seem very ruffled, scared, or worried, as I m i g h t have been.
Rather, she seemed more exasperated and exhausted, as i f Susan were trying
the limits o f endurance. She realized she was Susan's lifeline. H e r resources i n
b r i n g i n g Susan back to life (or keeping Susan i n life) were being tested. Per­
haps she was d o i n g a little o f what Susan d i d , l o o k i n g for support and encour­
agement to get back i n the ring.
My o f f e r i n g support and encouragement p r o m p t e d Elaine to unleash her
negativism against Susan and to voice her weariness fully. W o u l d life t r i u m p h
over destructiveness? Was all their work for nothing? The depths o f Susan's
Being Too Good 151

self-hate and worthlessness consumed whatever Elaine offered. Susan felt too
badly about herself to use a good relationship. Yet she d i d use it. Susan and
Elaine kept c o m i n g back for more, even i f the tie between t h e m broke down
and seemed r u i n e d f o r a time. Actually, Elaine felt the tie was always there,
although sometimes they c o u l d n ' t find it. Perhaps all Elaine wanted f r o m our
session was a chance f o r faith to regenerate.
I could let i t go at that, and that would be enough. But the distance between
Elaine and Susan nagged me. I d o n ' t mean distance i n the usual sense. Elaine
was n o t a distant, cold person. She was easy and comfortable to be with. She
kept things flowing. She always had something to say and was b r i m m i n g w i t h
experience; she was a warmly rich and f u l l person, optimistic, supportive, cre­
ative. Yet I felt left out. I t gradually dawned o n me that I was one of the sick
ones, and she was one o f the healthy ones. The earlier part o f our session
seemed thousands o f years away, b u t now I began to get a sense o f why I j u m p e d
the gun, why I had sided with Susan prematurely. Susan was sick me. I d i d n o t
get the sense that Elaine knew i n her bones who sick me was. Elaine was o n
the other side o f the line that divided the healthy ones f r o m the sick ones, like
Susan and me. I wondered i f Elaine expected sick souls to grow like healthy
ones. Perhaps we sick ones have our own ways o f growing. D i d Elaine really
expect Susan (or me) to be like her?
I needed to know i f there was any way Elaine wanted to be like Susan. What
in Susan d i d Elaine find valuable? I usually can f i n d something i n every patient
that I need more of. What d i d Susan have that Elaine needed?
The shock waves f r o m the earlier part o f the session had died down, although
not entirely. W i t h o u t quite realizing i t , I had been trying to keep things calm,
trying to give Elaine and me a chance. Superficially, things had been going
better. But i f shock is there, one cannot keep i t under the carpet indefinitely.
The impact o f the last part o f the session was even greater than the first. I was
blown away by Elaine's strong assertion that there was absolutely no way at all
that she wanted to be like Susan and absolutely n o t h i n g o f Susan's that she
wanted to have.
My question was foreign to her. Why on earth would she want to be like Susan
or want anything o f Susan's? Susan's life was horrible. What o n earth could
Susan offer her? I wondered i f something was w r o n g w i t h me f o r imagining
that Susan m i g h t have something to offer Elaine. What was w r o n g w i t h me that
I could find something to admire i n Susan's struggle? The distance between
Elaine and me seemed greater than ever. Instead o f two professionals estab­
lishing a h e l p f u l supervisory relationship, we were inhabitants o f d i f f e r e n t
universes that had not yet discovered each other's signal systems.
Elaine's basic position was clear. She had something to offer Susan, b u t
Susan had n o t h i n g to offer her. Susan could only bring her down, and she could
only b r i n g Susan up. We had gotten back to where the session started, f r o m
another route.
152 Psychic Deadness

I was d u m b f o u n d e d and wondered how to be tactful, honest, helpful. A t

some point I said something like "I can't help feeling that Susan feels you're
too good for her. She can never be you, or like you enough. She'll always fall
short. She's another k i n d o f person. She's the k i n d you can't identify with and
don't want to be like. She offers you n o t h i n g o f value for yourself and is for­
ever outside your desire. She can never get i n , unless she becomes like you."
Elaine and Susan could analyze this gap forever, but Susan would always
drown i n i t , because it was real and Elaine's feelings reinforced it. Susan was
i n the b i n d of getting help f r o m a person who somehow experienced her as
an untouchable. The helper was k i n d and caring and w a r m — o n e of the good
ones. I could feel the problem, because Elaine's goodness made me feel more
o f a pariah too, even though I knew Elaine liked me and wanted affirmation
f r o m me. She wanted me to affirm her together self, b u t i n doing so, my sick
self felt all the more left out. When Elaine spoke to me, I felt she was speaking
to the wrong person, to her picture o f creative me that fit creative her. B u t I
was somewhere else, like Susan.
Susan must be baffled by this duality. She is with a dedicated therapist whose
work is superior. She is with someone who wants to help her and has very real
ability. Yet Susan cannot locate herself i n her therapist. She cannot find her­
self i n her therapist's psyche. H e r therapist does n o t have a Susan she values
i n the depths o f her being, at least n o t yet, not consciously. For Elaine, Susan
is a not-me element, an element o f revulsion. There is no p o i n t o f attraction
or use she can find for the Susan i n her soul.
I haplessly suggested that Elaine try to find some way to lessen the distance
between Susan and herself. Maybe she should try to meditate o n Susan's vir­
tues. Can she find something o f use or value for herself i n Susan's being? Must
Susan be forever foreign? Elaine is honest. She c o u l d n o t see anything i n
Susan that is exemplary. Susan needs help. She needs to move to another level.
T o be Susan would be a downward spin f o r Elaine. What value could there be
i n that?
Our session ended without solving the problem o f how Elaine and I m i g h t
communicate. I felt I had failed her. She probably left feeling criticized. She
wanted to feel close to me, b u t I needed to include sick me, sick Susan. Elaine
was too good for us, I feared. I d o n ' t t h i n k I ' l l kill myself over that, b u t i t m i g h t
be a lot o f pressure for someone like Susan.

Jackie consulted me about her patient, Tina. T i n a sounded a lot like Susan,
except she was less suicidal. T i n a periodically fell apart and could n o t func­
tion. She was anxious about diseases and needed frequent reassurance that
her brain or other body parts were n o t disintegrating. H e r social life was
almost n i l , and she had intermittent sexual contact w i t h an otherwise unavail­
able man.
Being Too Good 153

Jackie, like Elaine, was picture-perfect, elegantly dressed, tenaciously intact,

warm, and caring. She feared her patient's periods o f disintegration and felt a
little guilty over the incessant reassurances she provided. Yet she d i d what her
patient needed, and T i n a improved.
T i n a grappled w i t h issues o f self-respect, and her life grew. She took better
care o f herself and her apartment (positive identification with Jackie), got more
satisfaction f r o m work, and began experimenting with some dating. T o Jackie's
relief, Tina's periods o f disintegration diminished i n intensity and frequency.
Things were going well enough.
My p r o b l e m was that I felt I could n o t find Jackie. I d i d not/^/any real con­
tact w i t h her, or any sense that I knew who she was. I could not feelher insides
f r o m my insides. W h e n I i n q u i r e d about this, she insisted she was easy to find.
So therefore i t was my problem.
Things were going well w i t h Tina. Why should I upset the applecart w i t h
my problem? I f I became insistent, I w o u l d become traumatizing. Things went
along swimmingly. Why should I bother? As w i t h Elaine, I felt left out some­
how. Jackie's presentations o f sessions were coherent, complete, competent.
Whatever I m i g h t say seemed tangential, superfluous. I d i d n o t find vital loose
ends to p u l l o n . Was my main f u n c t i o n to be reassuring and enhance Jackie's
good feeling about herself and her work?
Jackie, like Elaine, was m u c h better dressed than I . She was more together
than I and took pride i n her warm elegance. She spoke fluently about her work.
She d i d n o t seem to have to struggle w i t h what she felt or said, even when she
voiced difficulties. She seemed immaculately o n top o f things.
The fault lines o f my personality showed more than hers. I felt more flawed
than she. But perhaps the fact that I saw her as a sort o f perfect jewel was my
problem. Maybe I was making her i n t o something better than she meant to
be. Perhaps my self-esteem was simply lower than hers, my personality less
intact. Maybe I was feeling the inevitable exclusion o f the less socially adept
person. I t wasn't her fault i f she was better than I .
Yet the feeling that I could n o t find her nagged at me, although I got no­
where sharing it. T h e n an incident occurred that d i d n o t establish real con­
tact between us, b u t which gave me some indication that I was n o t altogether
crazy. Jackie came i n and anxiously reported that T i n a was disintegrating again.
Perhaps Jackie was n o t really anxious, b u t simply frustrated, a b i t stalled,
uncomprehending. Maybe she was angry at T i n a for disintegrating again. Jackie
went over her checklist o f things T i n a fell apart about, b u t could n o t figure
out what d i d it.
Jackie looked different to me this week. She had a different glow and tone.
I c o u l d n ' t p u t my finger on i t b u t something felt different, so I asked. Jackie
broke i n t o a big smile and said she was i n love. H e r life changed since I last
saw her. She seemed d e l i g h t e d w i t h what was h a p p e n i n g w i t h her. I t was
154 Psychic Deadness

easy for me to say something like, " I guess T i n a c o u l d n ' t take your being i n
love."
"Noooo. . . . Is that it? Could i t be?" Jackie said, as i f a light had gone on.
She made the connection between her changed emotional state and that o f
her patient.
I became dramatic. "Your patient had a new therapist this week, one she
never saw before." I t was the first time I felt I could be o f some use to Jackie. I
could feel her experiencing the l i n k between herself and her patient i n a new
way. A t the same time, it seemed i m p o r t a n t that she had so utterly ieft herself
out o f the equation.
W h a t a gap existed between Jackie and Tina! T i n a must have experi­
enced the change i n Jackie, although neither m e n t i o n e d it. Tina's loveless life
seemed more acutely empty next to Jackie's love-filled one. T h e gains T i n a
made paled by comparison with Jackie's radiance. Jackie's more made Tina's
less unendurable.
It would take a little time for Tina to get used to the newJackie and for Jackie
to get used to herself. T i n a would spontaneously come back together, as soon
as she realized that she and Jackie could continue contact, i n spite o f the latter's
change o f state. I t was a matter o f giving each other time to regroup and come
t h r o u g h a major affective shift i n the therapist
I n this case, Jackie was more bubbly and bright, so that Tina's light seemed
d i m m e r by comparison. The distance between them need n o t only stimulate
envy and t o r m e n t , although it m i g h t i f the therapist fails to recognize the real
impact that her changes have. I f rightly handled, Jackie's movement can pro­
vide a model for the possibility of opening and change. Changes i n the analyst
generate changes i n the patient, for better or worse.
Jackie's breakthrough triggered waves o f affect that were too m u c h , too fast
for T i n a to handle. There was too m u c h splendor i n the r o o m for T i n a to take.
Yet it was good for T i n a to feel that such splendor was possible. I t existed. Its
effects were palpable. W o u l d she be excluded f r o m i t forever? Was she ban­
ished f r o m the kingdom? She tasted i t i n the r o o m . C o u l d she share some o f
Jackie's? W o u l d she only get i t t h r o u g h identifying w i t h her therapist, or dare
she get some o f her own?
Many months later Jackie came i n and started weeping. Something i n her
life had gone w r o n g and she was scared. She spoke about her fears and aspira­
tions t h r o u g h her tears. H e r life might be better than Tina's, b u t somehow
better was irrelevant. Jackie suffered. She had her own dreads and worries,
as well as joys. She may n o t go all the way down the tubes, like Tina. She does
not disintegrate like Tina, n o r feel so totally damaged. B u t she can identify
w i t h Tina. Tina's lows are not alien to her. They are n o t signals f r o m another
planet. She can see herself i n Tina, and T i n a i n herself. They are very m u c h
part o f the same soup, fellow travelers facing shared obstacles, one journey­
Being Too Good 155

woman f u r t h e r along than the other, b u t b o t h i n i t together. T h e distance

between Jackie's and Tina's lives is immense, b u t f r o m Jackie's view, i t is n o t
alien.

What is the function o f the supervisor i n instances like the above? O n e func­
tion is to let the impact o f the therapist and her presentation grow. I n the two
cases described i n this chapter, the impact included a sense o f discrepancy
between therapist and patient. I n each case, the therapist was m u c h better o f f
than the patient. Elaine appeared to experience Susan as more alien than Jackie
experienced Tina. Nevertheless, there were moments when the differences
between therapist and patient peaked, and therapist seemed too g o o d f o r
patient. What was possible for the therapist was impossible for the patient.
I t is i m p o r t a n t for the supervisor to h o l d and metabolize the difference
between analyst and patient. Neither Elaine nor Jackie fully took i n the extent
that their better c o n d i t i o n had an impact o n Susan and Tina. For some rea­
son, they could n o t bear to realize that everything they worked so h a r d for i n
their own lives could increase their patient's suffering. Elaine and Jackie had
made something o f themselves. Now they had to deal w i t h how their achieve­
ments might t o r m e n t others, especially those they tried to help.
Another way of describing the difference between Elaine and Jackie and their
patients is i n terms o f aliveness-deadness. Elaine and Jackie appeared to be
m o r e alive than Susan a n d T i n a , n o t simply m o r e successful, healthy, and
attractive. The more one works w i t h deprived and fragmented individuals, the
more one realizes how i m p o r t a n t i t is to modulate therapeutic aliveness. A too­
alive therapist easily floods the patient w i t h o u t meaning to.
Elaine and Jackie were p r o u d o f their aliveness. Jackie worked at becoming
more alive; she felt an i n n e r deadness. Elaine flaunted her aliveness: aliveness
was her credo, and she waved it like a banner. Both assumed their patients would
be glad to have alive therapists: Susan and T i n a wanted to be more alive. What
Elaine and Jackie failed to take to heart was that Susan and T i n a c o u l d n o t
tolerate too m u c h aliveness, not their own and not their therapist's. They might
want and envy i t , b u t could n o t take i t . The sudden increase o f aliveness that
Elaine and Jackie stimulated was as fragmenting, overwhelming, and depress­
i n g as i t was relieving. T h e r e were moments that therapist aliveness made
Susan a n d T i n a m o r e h o p e f u l , b u t i t c o u l d evoke despair a n d a sense o f
impossibility.
The double-edged effect o f aliveness is something a therapist must catch
onto as time goes o n . W i t h experience, one may learn to adapt one's intensity
level to what the patient can use. A therapist can either be too alive or dead
for a particular individual at a given time. As one grows i n attunement, one
finds one's psycho-organism automatically regulates emotional volume, t u r n ­
i n g i t lower or higher as situations change.
156 Psychic Deadness

It is difficult for many therapists to recognize that they may be too much or
not enough for their patients and that t u r n i n g oneself o n - o f f is an i m p o r t a n t
parameter. A n individual who chronically numbs or deadens herself i n order
to survive lacks experience and resources to deal w i t h the f u l l range o f emo­
tional aliveness. Therapists who work w i t h dead and fragmented patients (or
parts o f many patients) need to develop sensitivity to the impact their own fluc­
tuating aliveness-deadness is having.
T h e theme o f envied aliveness, power, and goodness is ancient. Murder is
part o f the experience o f exclusion. Biblical psychology can be cruelly honest:
to those with more, more will be given; to those with less, even that will be taken
away. Therapy is concerned with how to shift the balance o f lives to the more
track. M o r e what? Aliveness? Good living? Use o f capacity? Use o f self? Still,
there will be more, sometimes less differences i n quality; there will be inequities.
Empathic recognition o f the suffering that differences b r i n g helps soften
the outrage. Outrage and envy can be useful as motivating spurs. But i n Susan's
and Tina's cases, fury too often became destructive. Outrage boomeranged and
increased their sense o f damage, despair, inability. The carrot that therapy held
out made them feel more helpless and hopeless at the same time that therapy
helped them. Elaine and Susan needed to recognize how helping someone can
be galling and increase destructiveness for the one needing and getting help.
Suppose Elaine included i n her repertoire, and made a systematic part o f
therapy, references to how i t must feel getting help f r o m one who seems to be
more alive or o n top o f it. Elaine really d i d feel better than Susan. I can imag­
ine her saying something like, " I t galls you b e i n g helped by someone better
off than you." A remark like that may seem harsh and w o u n d i n g , but there
are many ways to p u t i t that may soften the blow. Variations o f the theme o f
being wounded by the helper must get played o u t and taken for granted. I f
the patient bites the hand that feeds, the h u r t f u l h e l p i n g hand also must be
acknowledged. '
My own personal suffering has been immense, so that it is hard to imagine
placing myself above anyone else's distress. I myself a partner i n suffering
w i t h those who see me. Nevertheless, I know! may appear better o f f to some or
worse o f f to others and that perceptions o f better—worse are vexing. I t is one
o f the cruelties o f idealization to imagine the "better" to be less tormented. I n
contrast with Elaine, I m i g h t have to say, " I fear your feeling that I am better
than you so torments you that getting something t h r o u g h me makes you feel
like dying." We need to f i n d remarks that f i t our subjective states. How to be
h e l p f u l by being true to ourselves taxes h u m a n ability.
I f Elaine reallyfelthow much her goodness and aliveness h u r t Susan, some­
t h i n g i n her touch m i g h t soften. A different tone or atmosphere m i g h t evolve,
one i n which Susan needn't feel quite so horrible about herself when she looked
at Elaine or one i n which she could share more readily the h o r r o r and pain o f
being propelled farther and farther away.
 Being Too Good 157

Creative Elaine came to j o i n with creative me, but sick and dead me screamed
for r e c o g n i t i o n . Sick/dead me felt unwelcomed by Elaine, a n d Elaine felt
rejected i f sick me was n o t happy w i t h her creative self. Elaine d i d n o t have a
category for sick me l i n k i n g w i t h sick Susan. Susan a n d me f o r m e d a c o m m u ­
nity o f sick ones that Elaine d i d n o t want to j o i n . W h o excluded whom? My
ability to 'help Elaine w i t h Susan was taxed. My perception o f Elaine's superi­
ority made me m o r e defensive, less available to her. I t was my j o b to begin
metabolizing the difference between Elaine a n d me, between Elaine a n d
Susan, between creative me and sick me. Elaine d i d n o t give me time to begin
metabolizing my defensiveness, so as to work better w i t h hers and Susan's.
Differences p r o p e l l e d us apart, instead o f creating possibilities for a yaried
relationship.
The propulsive element was an i m p o r t a n t part o f what happened between
Susan and Elaine. Elaine was propelled away f r o m me by my sickness, as Susan
was propelled away f r o m Elaine by her health. The p r o p u l s i o n away f r o m the
excluding object, i f unchecked and unmitigated, can be suicidal. What died
between Elaine and me was the possibility o f w o r k i n g together.
What happened or failed to happen w i t h Elaine, Susan, and me is a good
example of selective recognition processes. I could n o t recognize Elaine's cre­
ative self unless she recognized my sick self. My sick self was outraged by Elaine's
undervaluation o f the sick me i n life (Susan's, mine, hers, anyone's). I would
have needed time to grow a r o u n d my outrage and find ways o f establishing
communication between the best i n Elaine and the worst i n Susan and me (and
perhaps, Elaine?). I w o u l d have needed time to live my way i n t o the p r o p u l ­
sive force that our differences ignited. Perhaps i n time we could soften together
and f i n d ways to connect i n the face o f seemingly unsolvable differences. Surely,
something like this needs to happen between Susan a n d Elaine, i n a way that
Elaine has not yet been able to recognize and suffer.
Elaine and I acted out, i n brief, what lacerated her w o r k w i t h Susan over
the long haul. The gap between sick self and creative self became a propulsive
force, w i t h abruptly violent possibilities (our quick e n d ) . Elaine could n o t give
me time enough. Let us hope Susan gives her time enough.
Jackie ran t h r o u g h a wider range o f states. She had m o r e patience w i t h me
than Elaine. Nevertheless, there was a blankness or lack o f connection between
us. We somehow d i d n o t really feel each other. I t h i n k this blankness was part
o f what needed to be metabolized. I d o n ' t know where i t came f r o m or what
purpose it served. Jackie spoke o f sealing over a horribly traumatic background,
and I suspect it partly had to do w i t h that. However, we were n o t fully honest
with each other, at least n o t yet. For the time being, I tolerate o u r partial h o l d ­
ing back, our testing the waters, o u r sparring.
Jackie speaks o f h o l d i n g back w i t h her patient. She fears the loss o f control
i f she is too expressive. She is afraid she will become too emotional and lose
everything. Being the competent doctor protects her patient and herself. What
158 Psychic Deadness

good would showing too m u c h o f herself do her patient or herself? Thus, i n

spite o f her w a r m t h and good w i l l , an emotional blank spot substitutes f o r
expressiveness, partly out o f fear. She fears her anger and tears. I hope she is
not too angry at herself for the little she showed me. Perhaps next week I ' l l be
the weepy, frightened, angry one. It's never far away.

ADDENDUM

After I wrote this chapter, I began to feel Jackie f r o m the inside. T h e i n n e r

bell j a r disappeared. Now she seems exquisitely expressive to me. I can feel
her moment-to-moment shifts o f feeling, infinite modulations o f grief, fear,
joy. She surely runs away f r o m her feelings and deflects i n t o intellectual c o n ­
siderations. She keeps something o f a hard edge and hangs tough. But I can
feel her, and I was n o t able to before. What happened?
Was she there all along? Was i t me w h o was n o t there? Or d i d something
t h a w — i n her, me, or Tina? D i d w r i t i n g this chapter sensitize me to her?
Was this chapter a sort o f proxy a t t e m p t at metabolizing my, (her, Tina's)
defensiveness?
Jackie is more open to considering how her m o o d shifts affect her patient.
She inwardly feels the connection between her j o y and Tina's disintegration,
and she is aware that her depressive feelings, i f they are n o t excessive, make
Tina more comfortable. The possibility opens o f her and Tina traversing a wider
range o f states together and l e ar n i n g how they affect each other i n a variety o f
ways.
How m u c h o f Jackie dare I let i n now? I can feel her feeling self W h a t a
quiveringly ecstatic sense! I d o n ' t know how much I can take at a time. Life is
always given i n excess, more than we can use or handle. We bite little bits to
chew o n — e n o u g h , enough!
I can ^ J a c k i e o pe n i n g to what happens between her and Tina. H o w m u c h
can she and T i n a take? They are discovering that there is the direct transmis­
sion o f feeling between t h e m . H o w will the discovery o f this k i n d o f openness
transform or fail to transform them? T h e flow between us is real. What will we
do with it, it with us? I t spreads i n waves between Jackie, Tina, and me and now,
also, you.