For print

Time Subtitle
8s -[drunk] Morty, you gotta come with me. -[scared] What's going on, Rick?
11s -I got a surprise for you. -It's the middle of the night.
13s I got a surprise for you. Hurry up, gotta go.
16s Ow! You're tugging me too hard!
22s What do you think of this flying vehicle, Morty?
25s I built it out of stuff I found in the garage.
27s It's great. Is this the surprise?
30s Morty, I had to... I had to do...
33s I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb--
35s [scared] What? A bomb?
37s We're going to drop it down there, it's going to get a whole fresh start.
40s -That's absolutely crazy! -Just take it easy, it's gonna be good.
45s We're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.
47s Jessica? From my math class?
49s When I drop the bomb, I don't... you know...
52s I want you to have somebody, to have a thing.
54s I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve and you're gonna be Adam.
57s -Huh? -And Jessica's gonna be Eve.
59s -That's the surprise. -No you can't!
1:01 Jessica doesn't even know I exist!
1:03 But forget about that, you can't blow up humanity!
1:06 I get what you're trying to say. You don't gotta worry about me
1:10 trying to fool around with Jessica, or mess around with her.
1:14 I'm not that kind of guy.
1:15 What are you talking about?
1:16 Don't worry about me getting with Jessica or anything.
1:19 She's all for you, Morty.
1:22 [irritated] I don't care about Jessica!
1:24 You're right. Let's forget her, she's probably nothing but trouble.
1:28 [computer voice] Arming Neutrino bomb.
1:30 -That's it! I'm taking the wheel! -Get off of me!
1:32 -I'm taking charge of this situation! -What's gotten into you?
1:36 -If you love Earth so much, marry it. -I'm not gonna let you...
1:40 -What are you crazy? -...blow up the whole world!
1:42 All right, Morty. I'll land the thing, I'll land the thing.
1:47 Big tough guy all of the sudden.
1:52 Just park it here, side of the reroad here.
1:55 Oh, thank God!
1:56 You know what? That was all a test, Morty.
1:59 Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.
2:02 -It was? -Sure. Why not, I don't know.
2:04 You know what, Mo-- [snore]
2:06 [computer voice] Neutrino bomb armed.
2:09 Bomb?
2:45 I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight.
2:48 Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?
2:51 Oh my God, his head is in his food, I'm gonna puke.
2:53 Are you getting sick?
2:55 I told you not to practice-kiss the living room pillow, the dog sleeps on it.
2:58 I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom,
3:01 I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
3:03 Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.
3:05 Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick.
3:08 Dad?
3:09 Everyone's supposed to sleep every single night, now?
3:11 You realize that time makes up half of all time?
3:13 -[angry] Damn it! -[scolding] Jerry...
3:15 -[irritated] Beth! -God, they're so loud I wanna die.
3:17 There is no God, Summer.
3:18 Rip that band-aid off now, you'll thank me later.
3:21 With all due respect, Rick... What am I talking about? What respect is due?
3:24 How is my son supposed to pass his classes
3:27 if you keep dragging him off for highconcept sci-fi rigmarole?
3:31 Jerry, I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything.
3:33 It's your house, your world, you're a real Julius Caesar
3:36 But I'll tell you how I feel about school. It's a waste of time.
3:40 Bunch of people running around, bumping into each other.
3:42 Guy up front says two plus two, the people in the back say four,
3:46 then the bell rings, they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper
3:49 that says you can go take a dump.
3:51 It's not a place for smart people, Jerry. I know that's not a popular opinion,
3:56 but it's my two cents on the issue.
3:58 This was a good breakfast, Beth.
4:00 You really made the crap out of those eggs.
4:02 I wish your mother was here to eat them.
4:04 -[stricken] Oh, Dad. -What? For real?
4:08 [man] Everybody get settled. [bell rings] Get away from the windows!
4:12 We're going to be dealing with some real serious stuff today.
4:15 You might have heard of it, it's called math?
4:17 Without it, none of us would even exist. So let's jump right in. Two plus two?
4:21 -[everybody] Four -Jessica...
4:23 -[teacher] Five plus five? -[Morty] Tenssica.
4:25 Okay, good. It's time for the quiz.
4:28 -[everybody] Aw! -You know what? "Aw", too bad. Tough!
4:31 First row take one pass it back for me?
4:34 The stakes are high in this room.
4:35 [voice trails off] There's crucial things happening here, every day.
4:39 People getting smarter, some of y'all getting dumber...
4:45 -[sexy girl voice] Hi, Morty. -Whoa!
4:47 -Hi, Jessica. -Can I show these to you?
4:50 Wow. They're both great, thank you.
4:53 You know what I named these? My little Morties.
4:55 That's flattering... and a little weird.
4:58 Do you know what I want you to do with them?
5:00 Rename them?
5:01 Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business.
5:05 See if you can shuffle them, get in there and knock them around, no wrong answers.
5:10 Wow, well, okay, Jessica. Let's give this a shot!
5:14 [aroused] Oh, Morty! What are you doing to me?
5:18 Uh, I'm just doing my best.
5:20 -Morty! What are you doing to me? -[mumbles asleep] Jessica...
5:23 Morty!
5:24 Jessica...
5:26 Five more minutes of this and I'm gonna get mad.
5:29 Jessica...
5:31 It's not my fault this is happening.
5:36 -Well, well, well. -Uh!
5:37 -Morning, Frank. -What's that supposed to mean?
5:40 Are you making fun of me? Are you saying my family's poor?
5:43 Geez, I don't know if a knife is necessary,
5:45 you kind of had things handled without it.
5:48 You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Morty.
5:52 And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich-- [groans]
5:58 There you are, Morty. Listen, I've got an errand to run in a different dimension,
6:02 -I need an extra pair of hands. -Geez, Rick, what'd you do to Frank?
6:06 It's pretty obvious, I froze him. Now listen: I need your help.
6:09 I mean, we gotta get the hell out of here and go take care of business. [burps]
6:14 -It's important. Come on, Morty. -I can't leave school again...
6:18 Do you know how much higher the stakes get out there?
6:21 Do you think I can do it all by myself? Come on!
6:23 Oh, geez, okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank?
6:27 Shouldn't you unfreeze him?
6:29 I'll do it later, Morty. He'll be fine. Let's go.
6:35 [Summer thinks] Oh my god. I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky.
6:38 This is the story we'll be telling our children.
6:41 Hi, Frank.
6:50 -Scalpel. -Scalpel.
6:52 -Knock knock. -Jerry?
6:54 My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought:
6:56 "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works?"
6:59 [cardiograph beeps] [doctor] We're losing him! He's back.
7:02 Please tell me you're here for an urgent reason.
7:04 Well, it's lunch.
7:06 It's one of three meals that have existed for millennia.
7:09 [doctor] Losing him. Stabilized.
7:11 I only ask, Jerry, because as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery.
7:16 -[mutters] Yeah... on horses. -Excuse me?
7:18 Okay, let's not rehash that fight.
7:20 I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way.
7:24 Whoa, what is this on the floor?
7:26 Some kind of literature for a really nice looking nursing home.
7:29 Hey, honey! Crazy idea? Bad pitch: Let's put your dad in a nursing home.
7:35 [cardiograph beeps] We're losing him.
7:36 Hey, Tom, we know when we're losing him, [yells] we can hear the beeps!
7:41 There she is. Let's go, Morty.
7:43 Oh, geez, okay.
7:46 Oh man, Rick! What is this place?
7:49 It's dimension 35C.
7:51 And it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree,
7:55 called the mega tree,
7:57 and there's fruit in those trees, and seeds in those fruits.
8:00 I'm talking about mega seeds.
8:01 [burps] They're incredibly powerful and I need them for my research.
8:05 [worried] Oh, man, I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
8:10 Alright, calm down. I know that new situations can be intimidating.
8:14 You look around, and it's all scary and different,
8:16 but meeting them head-on, charging right into them like a bull,
8:20 that's how we grow as people.
8:21 I deal with scary situations all the time.
8:25 If you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be--
8:27 Holy crap, Morty! Run! [alien roars]
8:29 Run! I've never seen that thing before. I don't know what the hell it is.
8:33 We gotta get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die!
8:40 Take a deep breath, breathe that fresh air in. You smell that?
8:45 That's the smell of adventure.
8:47 That's the smell of a whole different evolutionary timeline.
8:51 How much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now?
8:55 Are you joking me? Look at all the crazy crap surrounding us.
8:59 Look at that thing right there.
9:00 What the hell is that thing?
9:02 You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? Look at it!
9:06 -It defies all logic. -Yeah, Rick, I get it.
9:08 We're surrounded by monsters.
9:10 That's kind of the reason why I wanna leave.
9:13 Morty, you see this? [celestial music]
9:16 You see what we just stumbled upon? Any idea what that is down there?
9:20 -The mega trees? -That's right, with the mega fruit on 'em!
9:23 That's what I'm talking about, that's where my seeds are.
9:26 If we woulda done what you wanted, I would have never have found them,
9:29 -because you're so in love with school. -All right.
9:32 What's so special about these seeds?
9:34 You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic.
9:37 It makes you kind of [burps] an under foot figure.
9:40 Just take these special grappling shoes.
9:43 When you're wearing these babies, you can just walk on any surface you want,
9:48 Up, down, below, turned around to the left.
9:50 These things really bring it all together.
9:54 You have to turn them on, Morty. The shoes have to be turned on!
9:57 [Beth] I'm not putting my father in a home!
10:00 He just came back into my life and you want to grab him under a mattress
10:05 like last month's Victoria's Secret?
10:07 I was ordering you something for Valentine's Day.
10:09 More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son!
10:14 -Everything cool in here? -It's fine, Davin.
10:16 Okay, cool. You know we did something great today.
10:19 There's nothing more noble and free than the heart of a horse.
10:23 Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with him,
10:26 I'll come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.
10:30 Look, I appreciate the stress you're under,
10:32 but Morty was having trouble in school way before my Dad moved in,
10:36 and the only influence I can see Rick having,
10:38 is that for the first time in his life Morty has a friend.
10:44 -Maybe you're right. -Yeah, maybe I am.
10:47 I'm my father's daughter, I'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon?
10:51 [mutters] For horses...
10:52 Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina. No relation.
10:55 I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me today.
10:59 [Morty moans] Morty, you really did a number on your legs right now.
11:04 You know you gotta turn the shoes on for them to work.
11:07 I turned mine on, and getting down here was a leisurely breeze.
11:11 I'm in a lot of pain, Rick.
11:13 [burps] I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me
11:16 collect my seeds?
11:18 Are you kidding me? That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!
11:21 I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken,
11:24 and you're still asking me about getting those seeds? [cries out in pain]
11:28 You're a monster!
11:30 You're like Hitler, but even him cared about Germany or something.
11:33 Okay, hold on just a second.
11:57 Wow, Rick, that stuff just healed my broken legs instantly!
12:01 I've never felt so good in my life!
12:04 Thank you!
12:05 Don't worry about it. Just come help me get these seeds.
12:09 Sure thing, Rick.
12:10 Not that you asked,
12:11 but I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine
12:15 that they had broken leg serum at every corner drug store.
12:18 -The stuff was all over the place. -That's pretty crazy.
12:21 There's just one problem, one little hang up.
12:23 The dimension I visited was so advanced,
12:26 they had also halted the aging process.
12:28 Everyone was young, and they had been forever.
12:30 I was the only old person there [burps],
12:32 I was some sort of celebrity walking around. I was fascinating to them.
12:37 There were a lot of attractive women and they all wanted time with me.
12:40 I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,
12:43 but I spent so much time there,
12:44 my interdimensional portal device... it's got no charge left, Morty.
12:49 It's as good as garbage. It's not gonna work anymore.
12:52 Aw, geez, Rick, that's not good! What are we gonna do?
12:55 I have to be at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?
12:58 There's ways to get back home, but it's gonna be a little bit of a hassle.
13:02 We're going to have to go through interdimensional customs.
13:05 So you're gonna have to do me a real solid. When we get to customs,
13:08 I'm gonna need you to take these to the bathroom
13:10 and put them way up inside your butthole.
13:13 -In my butt? -Way up inside, as far as they can fit.
13:16 Oh, geez, I really don't want to have to do that.
13:18 Well, somebody's got to do it, Morty.
13:21 They aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum.
13:25 And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times.
13:28 You're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you,
13:31 and your anal cavity is still taut yet malleable.
13:33 You gotta do it for grandpa! Put these seeds inside your butt!
13:37 -In my butt? -Come on, please. You have to do it!
13:40 Oh, man.
13:43 Your son, Morty, has attended this school
13:45 for a total of seven hours over the last two months.
13:48 -Why didn't you notify us? -I done been notifying you.
13:52 I left messages with Morty's grandfather.
13:54 Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child--
13:58 -Wait, what am I celebrating? -I thought something was fishy,
14:02 because it's usually him that's taking Morty out of school.
14:05 [weeps] What kind of God lets this happen?
14:08 We had a little incident, a student was frozen to death.
14:11 And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it.
14:15 Everyone wants to take this to a racial place, I won't let them.
14:18 [loudspeaker voice] The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.
14:22 So I told him, give me the Blimfarx.
14:24 This guy doesn't understand interstellar currency...
14:27 It's like I'm trying to eat a flimflam, that's what we eat on Girvonesk...
14:32 [loudspeaker voice] The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.
14:35 I don't like it here. I can't abide bureaucracy.
14:37 I don't like being told what to do. Did you get those seeds up your butt?
14:42 Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? These things are pointy, they hurt.
14:46 That means they're good ones. You're a good kid.
14:49 Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work, you've been a huge help.
14:53 I'm gonna be able to do all [burps] kinds of things with them. It's gonna be great.
14:57 -[burps] All kinds of science. -Next through.
14:59 -Except you, you go over there. -Why?
15:03 Random check. Go through the new machine.
15:05 What new machine?
15:06 It detects stuff all the way up your butt.
15:09 Run, Morty! [Morty screams]
15:11 Red alert!
15:38 Don't think about it.
15:46 Nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher!
16:01 Aw, hell no, dog, you know me, I'm just trying to--
16:09 I need to type in the coordinates to our world. Cover me!
16:11 Aw, man! I don't want to shoot nobody!
16:14 They're just robots, Morty. It's okay to shoot them.
16:20 -My leg is shot off! -Glenn's bleeding to death!
16:23 -Someone call his wife and children! -They're not robots!
16:26 It's a figure of speech! They're bureaucrats, I don't respect them!
16:30 Keep shooting! You have no idea what prison is like here!
16:36 Holy crap! This is insane!
16:48 We gotta get the hell out of here!
16:55 Wow! Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?
16:58 [nervous] Uh, yeah, well, my Ferrari's in the shop. [nervous laugh] Just kidding.
17:05 -You're Morty, right? -You can get his number later. Come on.
17:08 You gotta get those seeds out of your ass.
17:11 Oh, look, honey, it's our son, with Albert Ein-douche.
17:15 -What? -I'm an angry father, not an improviser.
17:18 Hi, Jerry. Oh my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class?
17:22 We talked about this, your parents and I are very disappointed in this behavior.
17:28 No? No takers?
17:30 You should not touch that, it's beyond your reasoning.
17:32 You're beyond our reasoning!
17:34 -Takes one to know one! -Dad!
17:36 How could you make my son miss an entire semester of school?
17:39 He's not a hot girl,
17:41 he can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's!
17:44 -What are you guys doing with my stuff? -We're moving you... to a nursing home.
17:48 A nursing home? Are you nuts? I'm a genius! I build robots for fun.
17:53 Now you can build baskets, and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS
17:56 -and mentally scar scouts on Christmas. -What does that mean?
17:59 -It's personal. -Dad, Mom, come on!
18:02 -Rick just needed my help, is all. -Morty, stay out of this.
18:05 You are obviously not capable of judging these situations on your own.
18:09 Are you trying to say that he's stupid or something?
18:11 Don't high road us, dad.
18:13 You know well that Morty is the last child that needs to be missing classes!
18:17 I don't know what you mean, could you be a little bit more specific?
18:21 Oh, for crying out!
18:22 He's got some kind of disability. Is that what you want us to say?
18:25 -I do? -Well, duh doy, son.
18:28 Look, I love you, Morty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids.
18:33 If you want to compete in this world, you've got to work twice as hard.
18:36 Aw, geez, dad... That's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.
18:40 -Morty, tell them the square root of pi. -Come on, Rick, you know I can't.
18:45 The square root of pi!
18:46 1,77245385. Whoa!
18:51 -What the hell? -Holy crap, he's right!
18:54 Morty, tell your parents the first law of [burps] thermodynamics.
18:57 The increment in the internal energy of a system
19:00 is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system. Wow, I'm so smart!
19:05 I told you, school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.
19:09 Morty is a gifted child, he has a special mind, that's why he's my helper.
19:13 He's like me! He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life.
19:17 He's too smart for school. He needs to keep hanging out, [burps] and helping me.
19:22 Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.
19:25 No, I understand. Maybe we overreacted, but...
19:29 -he has to keep going to school. -Okay, Jerry, you drive a hard bargain,
19:34 but what am I supposed to do? [burps] Say "no"?
19:37 You really wear the pants around here.
19:39 I just want you to know, from now on, it's gonna be a 100% honesty
19:42 and open, clear communication.
19:44 [sobs] Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!
19:47 -No idea what you're talking about. -Okay, well...
19:51 Morty, it's your bed time in an hour. Don't stay up all night again.
19:54 This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family.
19:59 And now, Beth, if you will have me, I would love to have you.
20:04 You know what? Okay!
20:06 Holy cow! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.
20:10 Full disclosure, Morty: it's not. Temporary superintelligence
20:14 is a side effect of the mega seeds dissolving in your rectum.
20:17 -Aw, man! -Yeah, and once those seeds wear off,
20:21 you're going to lose your motor skills
20:23 and a significant amount of brain functionality
20:26 for 72 hours, Morty. Starting... [burps] right about now.
20:30 Aw, man! Aw, geez!
20:33 I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
20:37 I needed those seeds real bad,
20:39 and I had to give them up to get your parents off my back.
20:41 Now we're gonna have to go get more.
20:43 And then we're gonna go on even more adventures.
20:46 And you're going to keep your mouth shut
20:48 'cause the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,
20:51 and they'll tear us apart.
20:52 But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things.
20:55 and you're gonna be part of them.
20:57 Together we're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty.
21:00 Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy.
21:04 We're the only friends we've got.
21:06 It's just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty, and their adventures, Morty.
21:09 Rick and Morty forever! A hundred years, Rick and Morty's things.
21:13 Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time.
21:17 All day long, forever. All a hundred days.
21:21 Rick and Morty forever, a hundred times.
21:23 Over and over, rick-and-morty-adventures.com.
21:26 www.rick-and-morty.com.
21:28 www.rick-and-morty-adventures.com. All hundred years.
21:32 Every-minute-rick-and-morty.com. [Morty moans in pain]
21:35

RICK Y MORTY E2 INVASIÓN

CANINA
Time Subtitle
44s Che c'è?
45s Perché mi guardi?
46s Vuoi andare fuori?
48s Fuori?
52s Fuori?
59s - Mi prendi in giro? Andiamo! - Oh, mio Dio!
1:02 - Che cosa c'è? - È il tuo stupido cane!
1:04 Non voleva papà. Non è vero Snuffles?
1:06 - Bravo cane. - Non lo felicitare Morty.
1:08 Ha pisciato sul tappeto. Cane cattivo! Cattivo!
1:11 - Morty ho bisogno di te stasera. - Aspetta un secondo.
1:14 Non potresti inventare qualcosa
1:17 che renda questo cane un po' più intelligente?
1:21 Lo scopo di avere un cane, è di sentirsi superiore a lui.
1:23 Al tuo posto non lo farei.
1:25 - Vieni Morty. - Ascolta.
1:26 Ti ospito gratis
1:28 e usi mio figlio per i tuoi stupidi esperimenti.
1:30 Almeno potresti farne approfittare la famiglia.
1:34 Fa diventare questo cane intelligente o Morty rimarrà qui.
1:38 Oh, cavolo!
1:39 Questa volta non ho scelta.
1:46 Ok, Ruffles. Come si chiama?
1:48 - Snuffles. - Dai la zampa.
1:51 Gira.
1:53 Vai in bagno.
1:57 Incredibile!
1:59 Adesso sei a posto Jerry. Divertiti. Vieni Morty.
2:04 Fantastico!
2:06 Morty, se ti è piaciuto quello, adorerai questo!
2:10 - Cos'è? - È un apparecchio...
2:11 Quando lo metti nell'orecchio, puoi entrare nei sogni della gente.
2:15 È come quel film che ti piace tanto.
2:17 - Parli di Inception? - Esatto Morty.
2:19 È come nel film, solo che ha un senso.
2:23 - Inception ha un senso. - Non provarci.
2:25 Stasera andremo a casa del tuo professore di matematica.
2:28 Gli inseriremo l'idea di darti una A.
2:33 Così potrai aiutarmi in ogni mio esperimento.
2:36 Col tempo che hai messo a fabbricare questo aggeggio
2:39 non avresti potuto aiutarmi a fare i compiti?
2:41 Ma mi ascolti? I compiti sono inutili. Lo scopo è averne di meno.
2:45 Forza, andiamo a fare quello che dobbiamo fare.
2:48 Andiamo ad occuparci del tuo professore.
2:50 Sei frustrante.
2:56 Non mi conosci!
2:57 Bene, Signora Pancakes. Ben detto.
3:01 La settimana prossima in I giorni e le notti di Miss Pancakes...
3:05 - Tu non mi conosci! - Lasciami l'occasione di conoscerti.
3:09 Anticipazioni!
3:11 Ho una stagione di ritardo.
3:12 Rick, non ci credo che siamo in casa del Signor Goldenfold.
3:17 - È veramente strano. - E non è che l'inizio.
3:27 Dei cracker.
3:29 - Ne prendo due. - Ne ha già avuto abbastanza.
3:32 Non mi conosce.
3:36 Grande Morty! È il momento di agire.
3:39 - Vi faccio esplodere. - No, è un bluff.
3:41 - Vi faccio saltare in aria, ho detto. - Fermatevi.
3:43 Allahu Akbar!
3:45 Faremo esplodere questo aereo a meno che Morty Smith
3:48 non abbia dei voti migliori in matematica. Ehi, ho detto: "Nessuno si muova!"
3:52 Io non sono nessuno. Sono Goldenfold.
3:54 Prendete dei cracker.
3:59 Al coperto, Morty!
4:03 Goldenfold ha più controllo del previsto. Non è che un semplice professore.
4:08 Non avrei mai detto fosse un sognatore attivo.
4:10 Dobbiamo ucciderlo perché si svegli. Ma noi non possiamo farci uccidere.
4:13 Se ti fai uccidere in un sogno muori per davvero.
4:16 - Cosa? Mi prendi in giro? - Non fare il bambino.
4:20 Eviti di farti uccidere nella vita reale?
4:22 Fai lo stesso qui e andrà tutto bene.
4:24 Portami le pantofole.
4:27 Fai il poggiapiedi, Snuffles.
4:30 È di questo che avevo bisogno! Questo si che è un cane!
4:33 Oh si. Va andrà tutto a meraviglia.
4:36 Hai detto la stessa cosa, con lo stesso tono sarcastico
4:39 al nostro matrimonio. E indovina?
4:49 Oh, cerca di dire qualcosa!
4:52 È incredibile!
4:57 Dice: "Mi piacciono le lasagne."
5:02 Ha detto: "Mi piace Obama!" Troppo carino!
5:05 Lo posto subito in rete.
5:07 Dovrei chiamare Candid Camera. Esiste ancora?
5:29 Goldenfold! Ci arrendiamo! Vogliamo solo parlare!
5:32 - Perché dovrei negoziare con voi? - Siamo due adulti Razionali.
5:35 E vogliamo che tutto vada bene.
5:37 - Ed ho uno scudo umano! - Miss Pancakes!
5:43 Oh, no! Il suo subconscio si sta impanicando!
5:45 Scappiamo!
5:55 Stai calmo, Morty!
5:56 Guarda, miss Pancakes ha un paracadute. Vieni.
5:59 Ehi, voi non mi conoscete.
6:01 Oh, no! Rick, guarda! Goldenfold ha fatto atterrare l'aereo
6:04 ed ha creato un attrezzo meccanico per recuperare miss Pancakes
6:07 e farci cadere nella lava.
6:09 Sei stato abbastanza chiaro Morty. Non fa che prolungare l'inevitabile.
6:13 Esatto! Prolungare l'inevitabile!
6:15 Se entriamo nel sogno di lei, tutto andrà cento volte più lentamente.
6:19 Guadagneremo tempo.
6:20 Voi non mi conoscete...
6:24 Ok, ci siamo!
6:32 Oh, Rick, è bello strano!
6:35 - Non la giudicare Morty. - Va bene.
6:38 Guarda, miss Pancake è lì.
6:40 Deve dire a Goldenfold di non ucciderci.
6:43 Wow, Morty!
6:44 Il trucco è di far credere alla persona che l'idea le sia venuta da sola.
6:48 Ascoltami. Se vogliamo riuscire, dobbiamo confonderci nella mischia.
6:51 Ti parlo dopo il pranzo.
6:59 Oh, cavolo! Mi spiace, no!
7:01 - Vieni qui. - No grazie.
7:02 - Vieni qui tesoro. - No, sto bene.
7:09 - Summer! - Ciao bello sconosciuto.
7:11 - Cosa pensi di tutto questo? - Oh, è disgustoso!
7:17 Ehi, che problema hai? Rilassati. Stai rovinando l'ambiente.
7:21 - È Summer! - Dannazione!
7:23 Goldenfold ha dei gusti così vergognosi,
7:25 che li nasconde nei sogni dei suoi sogni,
7:28 tra cui un'attrazione perversa per tua sorella minorenne.
7:30 Possiamo rimproverarglielo?
7:31 Forza vecchietto e giovanotto. Facciamo un sandwich intergenerazionale.
7:36 - Mio Dio, vestiti! - Dai, vestiti!
7:39 - È disgustoso! Sto per vomitare! - Non posso Rick!
7:43 I complessi sessuali nella sala del piacere sono puniti con la morte!
7:46 Tagliate loro la testa!
7:49 È ora di entrare in un'altro sogno, Morty!
7:58 Cos'è questo?
7:59 Perché il centauro del sogno di miss Pancakes,
8:02 che viene lei dal sogno del signor Goldenfold,
8:04 sogna una cosa del genere?
8:06 E che ne so Morty. Che vuoi che ti dica?
8:11 Salutate il vostro incubo, puttanelle!
8:14 - Oh stiamo indietro! - Santo Cielo!
8:17 Sembrerebbe un'imitazione di un personaggio di film horror degli anni '80
8:20 con delle spade alle mani al posto dei coltelli.
8:22 Sono Terry il Terrificante!
8:24 Potete correre, ma non nascondervi!
8:29 Ciao a te! Cos'hai lì?
8:32 Snuffles riparato. Migliorato. Umano capisce Snuffles?
8:37 È geniale!
8:39 Snuffles vuole essere compreso. Snuffles ha bisogno di essere capito.
8:44 Ok, ho capito di cosa parlava Beth. La festa è finita.
8:48 Papà, non puoi dare la coscienza ad una creatura
8:51 - e poi levargliela. - Perché?
8:53 Non lo so. Donare è donare.
8:57 Un predatore sofisticato. Una macchina per uccidere creata dalla natura.
9:00 Il lupo bracca la sua preda con determinazione.
9:04 È solo dopo anni di riproduzione selettiva
9:07 e modifiche genetiche
9:08 che questo nobile animale è diventato il piccolo servo dell'uomo.
9:19 Oh, mio Dio!
9:20 Riconosce i suoi simili in televisione!
9:24 A, B, il suo nome è Terry il Terrificante
9:29 C, D, è veramente terribile
9:32 Santo cielo!
9:33 Dobbiamo assolutamente scappare nel sogno di qualcun'altro.
9:38 Oh, santo cielo!
9:40 E, F, sta pensando a come uccidervi
9:43 La ragazzina!
9:47 J, K, vi rovinerà la giornata
9:51 È uno scherzo? Ancora?
9:52 Siamo entrati nell'ultimo livello dei sogni.
9:55 Rick, la vedo male!
9:57 Non sentirete che il terrore.
10:00 Cavolo! Può viaggiare attraverso i sogni.
10:02 Può viaggiare attraverso i sogni! Siamo nella merda!
10:15 Dove sono i miei testicoli Summer?
10:19 Dove sono i miei testicoli Summer?
10:21 Me li hai tolti. Dove sono?
10:26 - È una buona domanda, Snuffles. - Non mi chiamare così!
10:31 Snuffles era il mio nome da schiavo. Chiamami Palla di Neve.
10:35 Perché il mio pelo è bello e bianco.
10:38 Ok, Palla di Neve. Calmati adesso, va bene?
10:41 - Mi fai paura. - Ah, si?
10:44 Dimmi, se un umano nascesse con delle gambe piccole,
10:47 lo faremmo riprodurre con un umano deforme?
10:50 e lo faremmo sposare coi suoi figli come si fa con i Teckel?
10:56 Ok, va tutto bene qui?
10:58 Jerry. Sei venuto a mettermi la testa nella mia pipì?
11:01 No! Siamo venuti per vedere se Summer...
11:07 Volesse accompagnarci per una passeggiata notturna?
11:10 Certo! Andiamo!
11:15 Andrete a passeggio quando sarà ora!
11:21 VIA DELLO SPAVENTO
11:24 - Ricordami perché lo stiamo facendo. - Perché io abbia una A in matematica.
11:28 Giusto.
11:31 Allacciatevi le cinture, puttanelle!
11:34 Non smette mai di dire "puttanelle"!
11:36 Potete correre, ma non nascondervi, puttanelle!
11:39 Aspetta, non smette di dire che possiamo correre ma non nasconderci.
11:44 - Ci nascondiamo. - Ma è il contrario...
11:46 - Da quando ascoltiamo quel tipo? - Un punto per te Rick.
11:51 Se potessimo nasconderci, non ce lo direbbe.
11:56 - Penso che sia una buona idea. - Altrimenti ricominceremo a correre.
12:00 SEI ORE DI SOGNO PIÙ TARDI
12:06 Wow, sai una cosa?
12:07 Avremmo dovuto nasconderci tutto il tempo.
12:09 È stata una bella pensata.
12:11 Grazie. È bello trovarsi sulla stessa lunghezza d'onda.
12:15 Potete correre, ma non nascondervi.
12:22 Oh, perfetto. Guarda. Ha sonno.
12:25 Finirà per addormentarsi. È allora che agiremo.
12:35 Snuffles, non ti vogliamo del male. È un enorme malinteso.
12:39 Papà, vuole che lo chiamiamo Palla di Neve.
12:41 Non lo chiamerò così. È ridicolo.
12:44 Sei troppo aggressivo Jerry. Forse domani,
12:47 il Dottor Scrabs risolverà il problema con una piccola operazione.
12:51 Pensi di potermi controllare tagliandomi i capelli?
13:02 Ciao, rientri presto. Com'è andata la giornata?
13:05 - Non ne voglio parlare! - Non ne vuoi mai parlare!
13:08 Lasciami in pace, puttanella!
13:10 Fuori! Via di qui!
13:14 Lo so.
13:17 Non dovrei rigettare la mia collera su di te o su Brandon il Terrificante.
13:20 - Ti amo Melissa. - Anche io ti amo.
13:25 Morty, è perfetto.
13:26 Dopo il loro trastullo sessuale, si addormenteranno.
13:29 Così noi entreremo nel suo sogno.
13:35 Sembrerebbe che Terry faccia degli incubi.
13:37 Oh, non oso neanche immaginare le cose orribili
13:41 che devono far paura a Terry il Terrificante.
13:45 Oh, no. Sono in ritardo, puttanella!
13:48 Oh, no. Non porto i pantaloni!
13:51 Signor Terry, dite a tutta la classe
13:56 qual è il buon gioco di parole da usare quando si bracca una vittima
14:00 in un campo di zucche?
14:04 - Puttanella... - Dai, Terry!
14:06 Non riesci a trovare un gioco di parole con le zucche, puttanella?
14:10 - Ehi lasciatelo tranquillo! - Sì, sono tutte stronzate!
14:13 Ce ne sbattiamo dei giochi di parole quando uccidiamo qualcuno!
14:16 Lasciategli dire quello che vuole!
14:18 Non ho nessun motivo di restare qui!
14:23 Ti metti troppa pressione.
14:26 Sei già terrificante così come sei.
14:29 T. il Terrificante.
14:30 Non preoccuparti del pantalone. Prendine uno dei nostri.
14:34 Oh, puttanella!
14:36 - Non so che dire. - Non devi dire niente.
14:38 - Ci occupiamo di te, ragazzo. - Sei un nostro amico. Tranquillo.
14:48 Ehi, siete voi ragazzi?
14:53 Non era così rilassato da anni.
14:55 Se avete bisogno di qualcosa, chiedete.
14:58 In effetti potresti aiutarci.
15:02 - Q, R, non andrai lontano - Ho sempre odiato questa canzone!
15:11 Questi due non hanno niente a che fare insieme.
15:17 Il sesso, è sacro!
15:25 Succede perché non dai dei buoni voti a Morty Smith!
15:31 Cavolo!
15:33 Sono sicuro di una cosa.
15:35 Darò una A in matematica a Morty.
15:37 Ed è una mia idea! Una pensata geniale!
15:47 - Cosa succede? - Va di male in peggio.
15:51 Cosa sta succedendo?
15:53 È possibile che il tuo cane abbia preso coscienza di se stesso
15:55 e abbia modificato l'amplificatore cognitivo
15:57 per prendere il controllo sulla tua famiglia
15:59 dopo aver scoperto la dominazione dell'uomo sulla sua specie.
16:01 Ma non ne so più di te.
16:05 Strano, Snuffles è diventato cattivo solo perché è intelligente.
16:08 È per questo che ho scelto di avere delle C.
16:10 Beth, Jerry, Summer.
16:11 - Papà! - Rick!
16:15 - Dio, grazie Morty! - Di niente.
16:17 Andiamocene! Se ci sbrighiamo...
16:20 possiamo crearci una tana nelle fogne
16:22 prima che i cani controllino il pianeta.
16:24 Non andremo da nessuna parte. È casa mia.
16:26 - Non la abbandono. - È finita Jerry.
16:28 I cani sono in marcia per conquistare il mondo.
16:31 Almeno non pisceranno sul tuo tappeto.
16:34 Aspettate. Ho un'idea!
16:37 Signori, avete un momento?
16:40 ARMI
16:42 Mi vedete? Piscio sulle vostre armi.
16:45 Vuol dire che sono mie.
16:50 Cattivo uomo. Cattivo.
16:52 Super piano, Jerry!
16:53 Portatemi il ragazzo.
16:58 Tu sei sempre stato gentile con me, Morty.
17:00 Per questo ti lascerò i testicoli.
17:03 A partire da adesso sarai il mio migliore amico
17:06 - e vivrai al mio fianco. - Grazie, Snuffles!
17:12 Inizio della Fase 2.
17:14 I combattimenti continuano con l'esercito dei cani
17:16 che si impossessa della costa Est.
17:18 Sembra evidente in questo momento, che l'era della superiorità umana...
17:22 sia giunta alla fine.
17:26 Vi prego, non mi uccidete!
17:29 Cosa dice?
17:31 Penso abbia detto: "Mi piacciono le lasagne".
17:36 TESTICOLI UMANI
17:55 Grazie, Fido!
17:58 - Rick! Credevo fossi morto! - No, facevo finta.
18:01 Buone notizie. Tutto tra poco sarà finito.
18:03 - Cosa? - È solo un sogno.
18:05 Siamo nel sogno del tuo cane. Quando ci hanno catturato,
18:07 dopo che hai pianto e fatto la cacca nei pantaloni,
18:10 ci siamo tutti addormentati.
18:11 Poi ho utilizzato il mio apparecchio per entrare nel sogno di Snuffles.
18:14 - Ma è passato un anno! - Sei ore!
18:18 La vita viaggia cento volte più veloce nei sogni e la vita di un cane è divisa per 7.
18:22 Ogni giorno qui è un minuto. Come nel film Inception.
18:25 Se ti sembra stupido, è come nel film.
18:28 Oh santo cielo! Mi piaceva questa vita!
18:31 Almeno non me la sono fatta nei pantaloni.
18:33 Questo è successo prima che ti addormentassi.
18:35 Stai dormendo nella tua merda, in effetti.
18:37 Di tutto ciò che ti è accaduto, è l'unica cosa vera che sia davvero successa.
18:41 Te la sei fatta sotto. È un casino lì dentro.
18:44 Ce l'avevo sulle mani, Morty, poi è finita sull'apparecchio
18:47 - e un pezzo mi è caduto in bocca. - Oh, no! Stai scherzando?
18:50 Non sei fatto per questo. Prendi Morty.
18:55 - Queste pillole mi sveglieranno? - Non proprio. Ti sfasceranno le reni.
19:00 - Cosa? - È necessario per il piano.
19:02 Resta così, ok?
19:06 Non va bene imperatore Palla di Neve. Dobbiamo fare un'altra operazione.
19:09 Tutto quello che serve per il mio prezioso Morty.
19:13 Signore, la devo informare che queste spese mediche
19:15 vi mettono in pericolo finanziario. Potreste perdere il vostro regno.
19:19 Al diavolo il mio regno! Lo scambierei
19:23 per la salute e la felicità del mio umano.
19:25 Pensate che lo avrebbero fatto per noi?
19:28 Noi non siamo loro.
19:31 Noi non siamo loro.
19:42 Raduna le truppe. Ho preso una decisione.
19:46 Invadere il mondo degli umani non porterà a niente
19:48 solo altra pena e crudeltà.
19:51 Invece noi andremo in un nuovo mondo
19:53 E lo colonizzeremo con una società di cani intelligenti.
19:57 Un mondo che non farà gli stessi errori dell'umanità
20:01 e dove le assicurazioni per i cani saranno obbligatorie.
20:04 - Mi mancherai Palla di Neve. - Tu puoi chiamarmi Snuffles.
20:08 E anche tu mi mancherai.
20:10 Molto.
20:20 - Jerry? - Mi spiace.
20:23 È come la fine di Lilli e il Vagabondo.
20:27 Perché c'erano dei cani nel film.
20:29 Wow, un intero mondo popolato da cani intelligenti.
20:33 - Mi chiedo come sarà. - Sarà bello.
20:35 Potrebbe essere un soggetto che soddisfi le persone di tutte le età.
20:40 Io lo guarderei. Per almeno dieci minuti.
20:43 - Sarebbe creato da "sceneggiarimmagisti". - Sai, è un'idea confortante.
20:49 Se sapessi Morty. Se sapessi.
21:22 Salve, sono il vostro nuovo professore di spavento.
21:25 Sono il signor Johnson il Terrificante.
21:27 Sapete? È il nome di mio padre.
21:30 Chiamatemi pure Glenn il Terrificante.
21:34 Capisco che il vostro vecchio professore vi insegnasse le fondamenta della paura,
21:38 che sono... cos'è questo? Ecco quello che vi dicevo.
21:43 Non potete imparare niente finchè non vi rilasserete.
21:52 È quello che io chiamo sognare, puttanella.
 Rick y Morty E3 Parque anatómico
Time Subtitle
38s [Jerry] ♪ Last king Christmas last arrived ♪ ♪ on the Christmas Christmas ♪
44s [sniffs] Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.
49s Um, merry Christmas? Hello?
52s My parents come over for the first time in years, can we stow the gadgets and look
alive?
56s Alive? For your parents?
58s -Good one -Hey, man!
59s You hey man! This holiday is about humanity.
1:03 You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something.
1:06 Okay, whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking. Now.
1:09 Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Fa
cebook.
1:15 A-ho, ho, ho, everybody.
1:17 More like whoa whoa whoa, what is this, my parents are coming.
1:19 Calm down, Jerry, this is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.
1:23 I check in on him once a year and give him a little [burps] medical evaluation.
1:27 Aww! Dad, that is so sweet! -Yeah it is. I don't get it. -Korea.
1:33 Don't worry about your [burps] Christmas. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop
1:37 while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial Paradise.
1:40 Huh. You think you know a guy.
1:43 Okay, there's my parents. Now remember: no TV, no phones, no laptops,
1:47 we are connecting this Christmas, like old school Jews on a Saturday.
1:51 -Hey hey. -Merry Christmas, son.
1:54 Uh... hi, can I help you?
1:56 Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message?
1:58 No.
1:59 You must be Jerry. That's a fine looking apron. Williams Sonoma?
2:03 I wish, but thank you.
2:06 So you're a... friend of the family...?
2:08 The way we see it, he's a part of the family. Wow.
2:13 After your father's brush with cancer, and losing your uncle,
2:16 we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it,
2:19 and how do we spend the rest of it?
2:21 What are we going to be when we die? A list of fears and questions
2:25 or a collection of real experiences?
2:28 Holy crap, Joyce, that's amazing.
2:30 Then Jacob came into our lives, and... we're learning to live again.
2:34 All three of us.
2:37 [confused] Cool. Egg nog?
2:39 Now we are talking. This man's got the apron and the egg nog, huh.
2:45 -Heh. Hi Joyce. Leonard. Hello there. -Merry Christmas, man.
2:48 Morty, a moment of your time?
2:50 -He's in bad shape, Morty. -Aw, geez, Rick, what'd you do?
2:53 Gee, thanks, Morty, what kind of monster do you think I am?
2:55 I'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.
2:59 I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom, he'll know what's going on.
3:02 Where do I find Dr. Bloom?
3:05 -In Reuben. -Reuben, Minne-Minnesota?
3:07 Reuben on the table, Morty, look, I don't have time to [burps]
3:11 for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.
3:13 Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse.
3:16 What proce--? [screams]
3:21 -Hey, dad, where's Morty? -[burps] He's busy.
3:26 -[Rick] Can you hear me? Head North. -Rick? Where am I?
3:30 Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance.
3:33 -[Morty] Entrance to what? -Welcome, Morty.
3:35 [Rick] Welcome... to Anatomy Park.
3:40 It's a business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Doctor Bloom.
3:43 [Rick] An amusement park inside a human body.
3:45 Science isn't cheap. This should help put a dent in the overhead.
3:49 Oh my god, this is insane. Spleen Mountain...
3:53 Bladder Falls... Pirates of the Pancreas?
3:55 [Rick] Got a problem with that last one.
3:57 Huh? No. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em.
4:00 [Rick] Okay, if I sounded a little defensive,
4:02 it's because Pirates of the Pancreas was my baby.
4:04 I got a lot of push-back when I pitched it. I guess I'm still a little defensive.
4:08 Let's just find Doctor Bloom. I'm picking up
4:10 [Rick] a distress signal in the liver. Proceed.
4:18 [loudspeaker] Arriving at... liver.
4:21 Mind the gap.
4:25 It's really scary in here, Rick.
4:27 [Rick] The liver's under maintenance. Reuben has seen some rough years. Don't j
udge.
4:31 Don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life goes OK.
4:37 [scared] Rick! It's a monster!
4:38 [Rick] No no no, Morty. The only monster here is Alcoholism.
4:42 That is an animatronic werewolf.
4:45 Who are you? Answer me! Where'd you come from?
4:48 [stammers] My grandpa Rick sent me.
4:50 Poncho! That's quite enough. Morty, that's Poncho.
4:54 This is Roger and Annie.
4:57 And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.
5:01 [Rick] Bloom, it's Rick, what is going on here?
5:03 I don't know why, but the security system has shut down...
5:07 and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked.
5:11 Exhibits?
5:12 Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man,
5:15 isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas--
5:19 [Rick] Watch it.
5:20 It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious di
seases.
5:26 Diseases?
5:27 Hey, doc. I got news for ya.
5:30 [Poncho] Your living museum is officially a wild safari.
5:33 Hepatitis A! Run!
5:41 Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl.
5:45 Oh, Jacob.
5:47 I'm sorry, Jacob,
5:49 I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship wi
th my parents,
5:54 are you like their caretaker, is that what it is...?
5:57 -We can go into detail later, son. -Now, wait, there's no point to secrecy,
6:01 let's all live and die honestly.
6:03 Your mother and I have shared forty years of each other, mind, body and soul.
6:07 And when minds and souls are joined for eternity... ...and when eternity is at the do
or...
6:12 it's an invitation to let go of the body.
6:15 And an opportunity to share and experiment.
6:18 Dad, please, what are you saying?
6:20 Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
6:23 Speak for yourself, because it [nervous laugh] sounds like you're about to say Jaco
b is your lover.
6:27 No, no no no no no. Jacob is your mother's lover.
6:32 I watch them,
6:33 sometimes from a chair, sometimes from a closet,
6:36 almost always dressed as Superman.
6:43 Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible.
6:48 Happy Human Holiday, dad.
6:54 Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system.
7:00 That's strange. Airflow is down twenty percent.
7:02 So the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline.
7:06 Well, I guess we better check it out.
7:11 -Hey! Wait for me! -[angry] Put that back on!
7:17 If we got up to the bronchial catwalk we could look for a blockage.
7:20 I'll go.
7:23 -[Poncho] Don't be a hero, kid. -I'm not, I'm doing it because it's fun.
7:28 We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.
7:31 We must save Reuben. This is my life's work.
7:35 [shrieks] It's all right, my dear.
7:38 Nearly all human lungs contain a strain of these bacteria,
7:41 but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant...
7:46 Morty, get down!
7:56 -Oh, what are those things? -Tuberculosis! Coming in fast!
7:59 -Not faster than a bullet! -No! Do you know what you've done?
8:09 Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!
8:14 [shouts] Don't let me die!
8:16 Just take a deep breath, Reuben.
8:18 You're not gonna die! What's your name?
8:21 My name is--
8:28 Rick! Reuben's got tuberculosis!
8:31 Oh, great work, Morty! Okay, I'll just cure it and then--
8:35 Okay. Well, I can't cure death.
8:37 This is bad, Morty. You're trapped in a dead man.
8:40 If the situation keeps darkening [Rick] do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates of the
Pancreas.
8:44 Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great.
8:46 It's a bunch of [burps] pirates running around a [burps] pancreas.
8:50 We don't whitewash it either, Morty. I mean, the pirates are really rapey.
8:54 The top priority is to get you guys out of there
8:57 but, I'm saying, if it becomes impossible, please you gotta treat yourself.
9:01 Oh, man, what is that horrible smell?
9:03 You mean the Panda Express? [laughs] Kidding. I'm kidding.
9:07 The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.
9:11 We're inside a corpse, my boy. Anatomy Park is doomed.
9:15 Forget about the park, Doctor. How do we get out?
9:17 The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it?
9:21 There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all.
9:24 Everybody, head for the colon.
9:26 Now I'm taking orders from a twelve year old boy?
9:29 Morty. The scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.
9:34 This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie.
9:38 She was written up several times by her manager at the churro stand.
9:43 Intestines are ahead to the left. Then to the right. Then left, etcetera.
9:49 Hey, just so you know, I'm actually fourteen. So, you know..
9:53 -What? -Not twelve.
9:57 You know, because, he just said I was twelve. Oh. Good for you.
10:03 [Rick] Oof. Ugh, Morty. Strike one.
10:08 ♪ It's a road of wonder a trail of food ♪
10:12 ♪ It's a pathway to break up the bad and good ♪
10:16 ♪ It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest ♪
10:20 ♪ It's a small, small intestine ♪
10:23 -It goes on like this for miles. -Then we get to the large intestine.
10:29 Sshh. I hear something.
10:36 Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't... move...
10:43 Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T. Rex!
10:52 We're sitting ducks!
10:54 Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas?
10:56 Yes. Why?
10:57 -Kid. You're a genius. -Are you mad?
11:00 Everybody, in here!
11:02 Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation?
11:22 Oh, sing it, Summer. Oh, I love to hear you sing.
11:29 Jerry, come on, this is what you wanted.
11:32 I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for.
11:34 I'm being punished for taking your iPad.
11:36 What? Jerry, let that stuff go. Okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier,
11:40 let's just be here.
11:43 -Summer! -Ethan? What are you doing here?
11:45 I've been texting you for hours, what the hell!
11:48 I don't have my phone, I'm doing a human holiday!
11:51 Well did you even consider how that might make me feel?
11:53 How you feel? Why is everything always happening to you?
11:57 -Summer, do you have a boyfriend? -Yeah, do you, Summer?
12:00 I don't know, Ethan, do I?
12:03 Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.
12:09 [Roger] I should be able to access the generator
12:11 to get the growth ray online.
12:12 If it works, we'll be regular sized in a few minutes.
12:15 I hope Reuben's not in a room with carpets or upholstery.
12:18 -What the hell is that? -The sphincter dam.
12:21 We built it when Reuben became incontinent,
12:23 but it was not designed to hold a corpse load.
12:27 I've almost got it. Everybody move inside the circle.
12:31 Poncho, what is this in your backpack?
12:33 That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?
12:38 -Everybody get back! -Poncho, you son of a bitch!
12:40 You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?
12:44 That's right, baby! A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population.
12:49 I'll take the highest bidder: Al Quaeda, North Korea, Republicans,
12:54 Shriners, balding men that work out,
12:56 people on the internet that are turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers,
13:01 anything is better than working for you,
13:03 you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift card as a holiday bonus giving mother--
13:22 -You guys... -It's gonna burst! Go! Go! Go! Go!
13:28 -My foot is stuck. -No!
13:29 It's okay. It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.
13:32 They may be hard to find,
13:34 my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, I don't know you can Go
ogle--
13:37 No!
13:42 Let me ask you a question, Ethan.
13:44 -Where's the anger coming from, man? -From Summer being a total bitch!
13:49 Where's the anger coming from?
13:53 My brother... took me fishing once... in the bushes...
13:58 I can't... I can't... He made me feel like a girl!
14:02 He made me a girl!
14:06 He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are.
14:10 She is who she is, now you go to her, brand new.
14:14 Come here right now. Oh my God, I'm so sorry, Ethan. I love you.
14:18 I love you so much.
14:22 You did it again, Cubbie. Come here.
14:30 No! Stop! I hate this!
14:32 Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son.
14:35 Well, then I hate Christmas!
14:37 Enjoy being human, you guys are gross and lame!
14:40 [Reuben] My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now,
14:44 but by the end of this journey, I'll be inside all of you.
14:49 My story begins during the dot com crash in the early nineties.
14:54 [whispers] You can put your fingers wherever you want...
14:57 Morty, you want to put it on mute or something. I'm trying to concentrate.
15:00 Rick?
15:01 Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.
15:04 I wanted to say, I'm sorry I ever judged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative.
15:09 Relative... relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.
15:13 Morty! Can you get to the left nipple? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick.
15:17 [Rick] No, I'm talking about Rueben's left nipple!
15:21 We need to get to the left nipple!
15:23 The body is decaying, the arterial transit system is useless...
15:27 We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we
call it the bone train.
15:32 Would you like to ride the bone train, miss?
15:36 -If it'll get us out of here. -How about you, Morty,
15:39 would you like to ride the bone train?
15:42 Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die, let's go.
15:46 Well, I can see you're busy... Merry Christmas, Rick.
15:54 There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.
16:05 No, you're right. It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fa
ult. You go on.
16:11 What the hell is that?
16:13 E. Coli outbreak! Hurry!
16:17 Oh. Wait. There is an autopilot. Wait!
16:21 It's okay! Never mind, I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway.
16:29 They're chewing through the doors!
16:32 We're in the areola, almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation!
16:36 [Rick] I'm almost there, Morty!
16:48 [anchorman] Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what ap
pears to be...
16:52 ...a giant, naked man over the continental United States.
16:56 We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tom?
16:59 Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry,
17:02 but I'm standing under a nose like a seventy mile cherry...
17:06 Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles.
17:09 We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill.
17:12 Giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,
17:16 and you know what they say about that.
17:18 Well, if the old adage is true,
17:20 one can only wonder what's going down in the Rocky Mountains.
17:37 -Oh my god, the track! -[Annie] It's Hepatitis A!
17:57 -The nipple hole. -It's beautiful.
18:07 Oh, no!
18:13 [surprised] Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!
18:19 Um... Wait, did we have some sort of relationship with him?
18:23 I think they're just like that? I think they're just good guys.
18:29 -[Rick] Where's Dr. Bloom? -I'm sorry, Rick, but, he's dead!
18:32 God damn it, Morty, I ask you to do one thing.
18:45 Jerry doesn't know what he's missing.
18:47 He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.
18:50 It has funny ways of bringing families together.
18:52 I don't know. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it.
18:56 I don't know if our marriage will--
19:02 It's raining blood!
19:04 Oh shit! Find Jerry!
19:07 -Jerry! -It's all right, the TV says there's nothing to worry about.
19:10 The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,
19:13 blood and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country. Everything should be
fine.
19:18 [sighs of relief] Oh yes.
19:20 -Dad, can I have my phone back? -Sure, sweetie. Here.
19:24 Everybody take a device. It'll help you relax.
19:27 -This is nice. -Yeah.
19:30 Yeah, look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.
19:33 No we didn't, dad. No we didn't.
19:38 Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius.
19:40 The only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.
19:43 Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work.
19:45 I believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new and safer park.
19:50 What about... Pirates of the Pancreas?
19:52 I think it was one of the most underrated attractions.
19:54 Booyah. Hold your breath.
19:58 Hey, what the hell, Rick? What the hell, man!
20:00 I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick.
20:03 Yeah, so I heard. [burps]You dodged a bullet, Morty. Trust me. [whispers] Puffy va
gina.
20:08 What's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.
20:12 Come on, let's get some stuffing, I'm starving.
20:17 Oh, unbelievable. We got a bunch a robot computer people, sitting around with thei
 r faces stuffed into computer screens.
20:23 Do you guys realize that Christ was born today?
20:26 Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today.
20:29 Are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?
21:03 [Annie] Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me?
21:05 Loud and clear, Annie.
21:07 [Annie] Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our chief imaginarian.
21:10 Natalie Jacobs and Chris DeSeter from Microscopic Marketing,
21:13 Zack from organ concepts and Jamie from new media.
21:16 Hey, everybody.
21:17 -Hey. -Hi, Rick.
21:18 -[Annie] Pirates of the Pancreas. -Talk to me.
21:20 [Alejandro] Rick, it's Alejandro speaking.
21:22 Um, so, we asked ourselves internally, we asked ourselves over here okay, what d
oes a pancreas do,
21:28 and the answer was, does it make pirates? No, it makes insulin,
21:33 you know so we're starting with a new--
21:36 Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park?
21:39 Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit. They're inside you building a m
onument to compromise.
21:44 [bleep] 'em, [bleep] those people. [bleep] this whole thing, Ethan.
21:49 Cool. And who pays me?

Rick y Morty E5 Meeseeks destructores

Time Subtitle
40s Run!
44s -Do it! Hit the button now! -I can't do it. They're my family!
48s It's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality,
52s possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension!
54s Do you need a mnemonic device? Just hit the button!
59s [sweet voice] Morty, please, I love you, sweetheart.
1:10 Good work, Morty.
1:12 These demonic alien spirits are really valuable.
1:16 You okay? I told you not to trust that tuna.
1:19 I just killed my family! I don't care what they were.
1:21 Some people'd pay for that kind of breakthrough.
1:24 [irritated] Rick, that's it! I'm done with these insane adventures!
1:28 That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!
1:31 Come on, don't be like that. The universe is a crazy, chaotic place.
1:35 You're the one that's crazy and chaotic!
1:37 Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.
1:39 Oh, yeah, Morty. That's real easy to say from the sidekick position.
1:43 But how about next time you be in charge and then we'll talk about how simple
and fun it is.
1:48 Seriously, Rick? You'll let me call the shots?
1:51 Okay, yeah, fine, but let's make it interesting, Morty.
1:54 If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,
1:57 you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures.
1:59 -And you do my laundry for a month. -Alright, tough guy!
2:02 But if it's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure!
2:05 -Every tenth. -Deal. Come on, let's get going.
2:08 -The dishwasher's doing that thing again. -Washing dishes?
2:11 -No. The opposite. Can you fix it? -Can you help me with my homework?
2:15 -Yeah, just don't do it. -Grandpa!
2:17 Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise
jar?
2:21 Hat trick. Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family.
2:25 That sounds like something a chicken would say. [clucks]
2:28 Oh, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a
huge fart.
2:34 As for you ding dongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it work
s.
2:39 -You press this... -[joyful] I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
2:43 You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid jar.
2:46 Yesiree!
2:47 -The Meeseeks fulfills the request... -All done!
2:51 -...and then it stops existing. -Oh my God, he exploded!
2:55 Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out.
2:57 Just keep your requests simple. [burps] They're not gods.
3:00 Alright! Everybody out of here now! I got a bet to win!
3:05 -So many possibilities... -My mind is racing.
3:08 If we're going to use this thing, we need to keep it simple.
3:12 -[joyful] I'm Mister Meeseeks! -I want to be popular at school!
3:15 -Summer, what did I just-- -I'm Mister Meeseeks! Look at me!
3:19 -I want to be a more complete woman! -Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!
3:24 You guys are doing it wrong. He said simple.
3:30 Hey there, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! [Jerry clears throat]
3:32 Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game.
3:36 -Oh, yeah, can do! -Nailed it.
3:41 [medieval music] God, what a boring start to an adventure. Why didn't we just
go to Kentucky?
3:46 This is a fantasy type world with creatures and fantasy things.
3:50 -We're going on a quest, okay? -Can't wait.
3:54 Ahem! Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure!
3:59 -Oh my God, so embarrassing. -At last! Two heroes!
4:03 You must help us.
4:04 This village is terribly poor,
4:06 yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures.
4:10 You know what? I accept your call to adventure, good sir! Kind sir.
4:15 Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds.
4:17 Yeah, [burps] beginner's luck.
4:19 [joyful] In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith
4:23 is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives.
4:28 I'm Mister Meeseeks! Look at me! [crowd cheers]
4:30 Thank you!
4:32 Mr. Meeseeks was it? Gene Vagina.
4:34 I'm in a bit of a custody thing with my ex and was wondering--
4:37 I'll get your info from Summer!
4:40 I got pregnant at seventeen. I still put myself through veterinary school.
4:44 Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't--
4:49 I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide eyed girl from Musk
egon.
4:56 -[joyful] She's still there, Beth. -Well her waistline isn't.
5:02 Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual.
5:06 You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you?
5:10 Be honest with them.
5:11 Even if it means setting them free.
5:14 You're saying I should leave Jerry.
5:18 I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.
5:30 -More wine? -[clears throat] I think I've had enough.
5:38 [joyful] Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry. [annoyed] Yeah, yeah. I go
t it.
5:47 That's okay. I'm Mister Meeseeks! Look at me!
5:50 Try again and keep your head down.
5:52 Okay, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down?
5:55 Well, it's both. But most importantly you got to relax.
5:59 You know what? I don't think this is working. I give up.
6:02 I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that.
6:05 I'm Mister Meeseeks. I have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me!
6:10 Well make yourself comfortable, because I suck.
6:12 No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something.
6:17 -I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! -Hi! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
6:22 Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing?
6:25 Can do! I'm Mister Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared?
6:30 Oh, he's trying!
6:38 Alright, we're in your stupid giant's castle. What do we do next?
6:42 Relax, Rick. All we gotta do is find the treasure room.
6:45 It's nice and simple.
6:46 I'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.
6:52 Uh-oh! Start'n to get a little hairy. What do you wanna do, boss?
6:55 -C'mon, hurry! Behind this cookie jar! -[deep voice] Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!
7:02 Give up. This is game over. I'll take us home right now, you just say the word.
7:06 No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it.
7:10 I smell the blood of-- Whoop!
7:13 Holy crap!
7:15 He looks pretty bad down there. Looks like he's bleeding out.
7:19 [yells] Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches!
7:25 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying!
7:31 We get it. You're little, down on your luck, and you think:
7:34 "He's a giant. Why don't we break into his home and murder him?".
7:38 -But that's not how it went down! -You're both going down like that.
7:43 Oh, boy, you're really showing me how it's done.
7:46 [burps] Real straight-forward and fun.
7:48 Like, letting go of the need to be popular is what makes people like you.
7:52 The most important love you can receive is from yourself.
7:55 -You gotta just choke up on the club! -Which is it, choke up or follow-through?
8:00 Come on, Jerry, we've been over this, you know you gotta do both.
8:04 This is as frustrating for us as it is for you! That just puts pressure on me!
8:09 -Just try to relax. -[angry] Have you ever tried to relax?
8:13 It is a paradox!
8:16 These Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you must be goi
ng through.
8:21 -Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours. -You're kidding me.
8:24 -Notice anything different? -I'm sorry. Hours?
8:28 Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You will lose her!
8:32 -Uh... -Jerry?
8:34 You mind if we get back to the task at hand?
8:36 Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long.
8:39 It's getting weird.
8:41 Order in the court!
8:43 Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both ve
ry guilty.
8:49 Great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to Giant Prison.
8:52 If somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spine
s.
8:56 It'll be really easy to rape us after that.
8:58 We're gonna be okay, Rick.
9:00 How? They took my portal gun.
9:02 This is an open and shut case. You think some magical angel is going to show
up and then--
9:07 Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties!
9:10 Your honor, I'm from a tiny person's advocacy group
9:13 and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss.
9:16 These little men were never read their rights and are therefore free fi to fo hom
e.
9:21 -What the hell is he talking about? -They're free to go.
9:24 I'm deconstruction our thing we say. We're giants. Nobody got that?
9:29 -Whatever. -Oh, man, what'd I tell you, Rick!
9:32 We did it!
9:34 Looks like the portal gun's still working, you ready to head home?
9:37 You'd like that, wouldn't you? Well, we're not bailing out just yet.
9:41 We're gonna go find some treasure or something and bring it to those villagers
.
9:46 Morty, cut your losses, this is obviously a wash.
9:49 Yeah, you were saying that back when we first got arrested,
9:52 but here we are, walking down the courthouse steps.
9:57 Oh, boy, Morty!
9:58 Usually, walking down the steps is the easy part of the adventure.
10:02 -What do you say, Morty? -I say: "Give me a hand, sidekick".
10:10 Everybody shut up! Let me try!
10:15 Damn it! Damn it!
10:18 -I'm going out. -Wait, what?
10:20 Well, you're busy, I'm hungry, I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy
or in prison?
10:25 Whoa, whoa! Where in the hell is-- I'll take you to dinner.
10:30 You know what? It's hard being me too. I'll be right there.
10:34 I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your p
roblem than mine.
10:41 [desperately] I can't take it anymore. I just want to die!
10:44 -We all want to die, we're Meeseeks! -Why did you even rope me into this?
10:48 -'Cause he roped me into this! -Him over there, he roped me into this!
10:52 -Well he roped me into this! -What about me? He roped me into this!
10:56 -That one of there, roped me into this. -Well, he roped me into this!
11:01 This is the part everybody loves. Scaling down 650.000 oversized steps.
11:07 Alright, if this was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid.
11:12 Hey, Rick, what do you know, look down there. Looks like some kinda tavern b
uilt right into the side of the step!
11:19 Oh, wow, Rick! Now this is more like it!
11:23 Look, there's little staircase people in here. All kinds of crazy characters.
11:27 This place is great, you know? It's whimsical and fun.
11:31 -What are you looking at, [censor beep]? -Easy, Rick.
11:35 Pay them no mind, those stair goblins can be moody.
11:38 What can I getcha?
11:40 We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers,
11:46 -Bloogies, Juicy Time babies... -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:49 You got any Scotch whiskey around here? Or just a buncha nonsense words?
11:53 [scolding] Rick... We'll have two Bloogies, please.
11:56 And we were wondering, is there a faster way we could get down these stairs?
12:00 Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair!
12:06 I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels.
12:09 25 shmeckels? I don't know how much that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?
12:13 That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.
12:17 Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels.
12:20 It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.
12:25 Your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out.
12:28 You keep heckling my adventure! You know why?
12:31 -Because it's lame? -It's because you're petty!
12:34 How many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap?
12:38 I always roll with the punches, Rick, why can't you?
12:41 I gotta take a leak, and when I come back,
12:43 if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here!
12:46 Whatever.
12:48 It's become clear, look at me, that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fol
low through,
12:53 we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
12:56 I'm Mr. Meeseeks, look at me. The only thing that's clear, is that choking up is t
he one true solution.
13:02 Look at me, I'm Mr. Meeseeks.
13:04 I've been trying to help Jerry for two days,
13:06 an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst!
13:11 Your failures are your own, old man. I'm Mister Meeseeks! Look at me.
13:15 I say follow through! Who's with me?
13:20 -[joyful] I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! -Kill him!
13:29 [friendly] How are you today? I'm Mister Jelly Bean.
13:32 Hi, Mister Jelly Bean. I'm Morty. My Grandpa and I are on an adventure.
13:35 -Nice, is it a fun adventure? -I hope so.
13:39 But I'm starting to get nervous that it's gone too far off the rails.
13:42 -Isn't that what adventures do? -Hey, you know what? You're right!
13:47 Everything's going fine.
13:48 I just gotta relax and go with the flow. Yeah!
13:53 -[anxiously] Okay. Uh... bye. -Uh, no, stay! Go with the flow.
13:58 Stop, you're making me really uncomfortable.
14:01 -Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. -Get off of me!
14:10 [gasps] No! Stop! Please!
14:13 Stop being such a [censor beep] tease, you sweet little [censor beep].
14:43 [shouts] Everybody stop! Look at me!
14:46 My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks' blood.
14:51 None of us can die until our job is done.
14:53 The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game!
14:57 No we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game.
15:04 When we kill him!
15:08 Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about.
15:12 Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy, Greece, Argentina...
15:17 [imitates Carnac] Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.
15:22 Did I tell you how much I love your new hair cut?
15:25 [rumbling sound] What the heck?
15:27 There he is!
15:32 Run, Jerry!
15:37 Come on out, Jerry!
15:38 Guys, I'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do.
15:42 Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.
15:45 Come on, Rick, quit stalling. Whattaya got?
15:51 Read 'em and weep, fellas!
15:53 Hey, Morty. Listen, I'm sorry about all that stuff I said about your adventure.
15:57 I'm havin' a good time, Morty. It's not so bad.
16:00 Let's just go home. I'm calling it. The adventure's over.
16:03 -We can't leave now. I'm on fire! -I want to leave now. You win the bet.
16:08 Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please I just want to go home.
[sobs]
16:15 Listen, Morty. I just won a bunch of shmeckels.
16:18 Why don't we pay Slippery Stair here for a ride back to the village,
16:22 -and we give the rest to the villagers? -Really?
16:26 Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure, needs a good ending.
16:31 [coughs] Buckle up!
16:37 Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry.
16:41 We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths
to fulfill!
16:47 Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. We will do anything to alleviate that pai
n.
16:53 Just ask! What's your name, ma'am?
16:56 Samantha.
16:57 [sobs] Please, mister! Give him what he wants!
17:00 Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?
17:08 Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bend them!
17:12 Square your shoulders. Now take a deep breath.
17:16 [Jerry exhales] [whispers] I love you.
17:19 I'm counting to three, Jerry.
17:35 What the [censor beep] is going on?
17:40 That's a lower handicap stroke!
17:47 Excuse me. I'm a bit of a Stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?
17:52 [sobs] Oh my God! Oh my God! What about your short game?
18:02 Wow, nice!
18:09 -I think we'll take our food to go. -No, you won't. The police are coming.
18:13 -You have so many questions to answer. -[sexy voice] Fair enough.
18:22 Thank you, kind sir. Our village is saved. You are both true heroes!
18:30 Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet.
18:33 Thanks, but I don't know if I should. You were right about the universe. It's a cr
azy and chaotic place.
18:39 Maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then.
18:43 This one's wrapped up neat and clean, 'cause we did it Morty style.
18:46 Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved king,
18:50 so that he may thank you personally.
18:53 Uh, no, it's cool! Rick. Portal. Hurry.
19:09 So... you still thinking about taking that trip?
19:13 [sighs] Look, we don't have a perfect marriage, but I'm not going anywhere.
19:18 When we were in that freezer, I realized the Meeseeks are like the guys I went
to high school with:
19:23 willing to say anything to complete their task.
19:26 Was I one of those guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards.
19:30 Well... I got you pregnant.
19:35 -What the hell happened to this place? -Your Meeseeks Box happened.
19:39 They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game.
19:43 It's not my fault Jerry's an idiot.
19:46 Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?
19:48 -Well, I do have a Fleeseeks box... -No. No more boxes.
19:52 What? It just has a mop and some floor wax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!
19:58 That's my new thing! I'm kind of like... Arsenio!
20:01 That's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops!
20:05 -See you next week, everybody. -I don't get it.
20:39 Sir, I think you're going to want to see this.
20:43 We found it inside a lock box inside King Jelly Bean's closet.
20:48 -We have to tell the people. -Wait.
20:51 Destroy it.
20:59 Our people will get more from the idea he represented
21:02 than from the jellybean he actually was.
 Rick y Morty E6 La poción de Rick
Time Subtitle
37s [loudspeaker] Principal Vagina here, don't let the name fool you, I'm in charge.
41s Reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance.
44s I insist: if you have the flu, stay home.
48s The flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration.
52s You don't bring dead babies to Passover.
54s [breathes deeply] Okay, here we go.
58s -Uh... -What's up, Morty?
1:00 -What are you doing? -Um...
1:02 Wait, were you about to talk... to her?
1:05 Well, I mean, I was thinking about it...
1:08 Dude. Stay in your league. Look at how hot she is.
1:12 You don't see me going in a wealthier school hitting on their prettiest girl.
1:16 Gee, thanks, Brad.
1:17 I throw balls far. You want good words?
1:20 Date a languager.
1:22 Try not to worry about it. You're a good kid.
1:25 There's not a premium on that, but you'll be getting girls some time
1:28 after Brad's out of shape.
1:29 You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls. I want Jessica.
1:34 Ah, well. I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your mom. And t
hat's not an urban diss.
1:41 Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought...
1:44 "I should get her pregnant, and she'll marry me."
1:46 I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.
1:49 Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school.
1:52 I'm not sure you want his romantic advice. His marriage is hanging from a thread.
1:56 My marriage is fine, thank you.
1:59 It's your house, whatever you say it is how it is,
2:01 but even a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door.
2:04 I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.
2:06 Don't talk about my parents like that!
2:09 Listen, I hate to break it to you, but "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels
animals to breed.
2:14 It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades,
2:17 leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.
2:19 I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle. Rise above.
2:23 Focus on science.
2:27 Well, I'm going to go get dressed for the dance. Yeah, I'm just going to... check o
n your mom.
2:36 Morty, hand me that screwdriver. I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer.
It's gonna be great.
2:41 Hey, listen, Rick.
2:42 You know how you said that love is a chemical and all that stuff?
2:46 I was thinking... could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jes
sica's mind?
2:52 So where she falls in love with me? Maybe make some sort of love potion or som
ething?
2:57 That's such a poor use of my time. It's beneath me, hand me the screwdriver.
3:01 No, Rick, I'm not going to hand you the screwdriver!
3:04 I'm not going to hand you anything ever again!
3:06 I'm always helping you with everything!
3:09 What about me, Rick?
3:11 Why can't you just help me out for once?
3:14 [sighs] You're growing up fast, Morty.
3:17 You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.
3:20 Listen, this is called Oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole.
3:23 Do you know what a vole is, Morty? It's a rodent that mates for life.
3:28 This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain that makes it fall in love.
3:32 I just gotta [burps] combine it with some of your DNA. Oh, well, okay...
3:36 A hair, Morty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't Game Of Thrones.
3:42 Whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you,
3:45 and only you, forever.
3:46 -Are ya happy now, Morty? -Heck yeah! Thank you, grandpa Rick!
3:50 Hey, there's no dangers or anything or side effects, right?
3:53 What am I, a hack? Go nuts, Morty, it's foolproof.
3:59 Unless she has the flu. [dramatic music]
4:03 -Beth, do you still love me? -Ugh, what kind of question is that?
4:07 The yes or no kind?
4:09 Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?
4:12 Yes.
4:13 -Are you going to build them? -No.
4:15 Then what good was the yes? Wait, is loving me the house or the homeless peop
le?
4:19 Loving you is work, Jerry. Hard work.
4:23 Like building a homeless shelter.
4:24 Nobody wants to say "no", but some people put the work in.
4:28 So what do you say? Do you see me working here?
4:30 -This conversation seem tedious to me? -Sort of.
4:34 Then I obviously sort of love you, don't I?
4:36 [phone chimes] Stop asking and maybe I'll love you more. Crap.
4:39 -They need me at the horse hospital. -This late?
4:42 The race track had a starlight derby, there was a seven horse collision and Davin'
s there alone.
4:58 [rap music] ♪ Flu. You gotta be aware aware of all the flu up in the air ♪
5:02 ♪ I'mma get me a shot, make the flu go away ♪
5:04 ♪ Flu hatin' rapper just rappin' away ♪
5:08 ♪ Flu hatin' rapper it's a flu hatin' rap ♪
5:10 Hey there, Jessica! Whoa, oh, whoopsie!
5:15 [sexy voice] Oh my god, Morty... You look really nice tonight.
5:21 I love you, Morty. I love you so much it burns!
5:26 I love you too, Jessica!
5:28 -Is this punk bothering you? -Leave him alone, jerk!
5:32 I'm in love with him! He's more man than you will ever be!
5:36 [rap music] ♪ This is about flu awareness ♪ ♪ You gotta be aware of the flu in the
air-ness ♪
5:41 ♪ Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper ♪
5:45 -I'm really sorry. -Oh, well... No problem, Brad.
5:49 There's something special about you, Morty. So special.
5:52 -Whoa! Take it easy! -Get your hands off of him!
5:55 Back off! I'm try'n to be with my man!
5:57 That's enough, Bradley. We don't want you injuring your ballthrowing arm.
6:02 Never leave me, Morty. Never.
6:04 Uh, sure, I mean... of course not.
6:08 -What do you think that was all about? -Who cares. Just hold me.
6:11 [screams] Let me go! I love you, Morty!
6:15 Let go of me!
6:24 -She's gonna be alone with him all night. -Digging around the insides of horses.
6:28 It's not a very romantic setting.
6:30 There's always the possibility that she made the whole thing up. Maybe Davin's di
gging around in her insides.
6:35 Grandpa! So gross! You're talking about my mom! Well, she's my daughter, Sum
mer. I outrank you.
6:41 Or family means nothing. In which case don't play that card.
6:44 -She's not responding to my texts. -Careful, dad. Jealousy turns women off.
6:48 -Well isn't that convenient. -Not for the men they cheat on, no.
6:52 Okay. I'm going to go out. For some ice cream.
6:56 And maybe stop by the hospital. To support my wife. With my confidence.
7:02 God, grandpa, you're such a dick.
7:04 I'm sorry, your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid
dance?
7:09 Screw that. I don't want to get sick. It's flu season. -It is? -Yeah.
7:20 Please just let this work out.
7:22 Do it, Morty. Do it!
7:25 Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life. [roars]
7:29 Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?
7:31 Jessica, get ahold of yourself.
7:36 You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
7:38 ♪ I love Morty ♪
7:40 ♪ and I hope Morty loves me ♪
7:43 ♪ I'd like to rap my arms around him and feel him inside me ♪
7:48 Oh, crap...
7:55 Come on, we gotta get you out of here!
7:57 You're not going to believe this, but I made a mistake!
8:00 [both pant] Come on, Morty. We gotta get out of here!
8:03 -Morty, are you okay? -I'm fine.
8:06 Oh, good.
8:07 If anything ever happened to you, I would kill myself.
8:10 I love you bad, Mo-mo!
8:15 The principal and I have discussed it and we're both insecure enough to agree to
a threeway.
8:25 I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu.
8:28 You know, that might have been valuable information for me.
8:32 What the hell is going on? What does it look like? The serum is piggybacking on t
he virus.
8:36 It's gone airborne.
8:38 Oh, crap! What're we gonna do, Rick?
8:40 It's gonna be fine. Relax. I whipped up an antidote. It's based on praying mantis
DNA.
8:45 Praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.
8:48 They mate once and then decapitate the partner.
8:50 It's a whole ritual, it's gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love of at all.
8:55 I basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus.
8:58 It should neutralize the whole thing.
9:00 It'll all be over very shortly.
9:07 I know you didn't ask, but I'm not interested in having sex with you.
9:11 These serums don't work on anybody related to you genetically.
9:28 Okay, well. Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty.
9:32 A lot of people don't get that.
9:40 Come on are you kidding me?
9:45 You're not Morty! Bring us Morty!
9:57 Nobody's killing me until after I catch my wife with another man.
10:02 [TV] -I had sex with Billy. -But you were already pregnant!
10:06 What's the worst that could happen?
10:07 We interrupt Pregnant Baby with breaking news.
10:10 Aw, come on! [TV] Morty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown.
10:15 What the hell?
10:16 The only thing that is known is how cute he is.
10:19 I love him so much. I want to make love to him and then eat his head.
10:24 -I love him more than you do, Harold! -You wish, stupid bitch!
10:27 -Morty's mine! -No! Morty's mine!
10:40 Where is Morty? [Summer screams]
10:56 Oh my god! The whole world is infected!
10:58 It's wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself.
11:02 Outdone yourself?
11:03 [furious] Are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay!
11:06 Not only do they want to have sex with me but now they want to eat me afterward
s!
11:10 I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? Obviously D
NA is more complicated than that.
11:16 This right here is gonna do the trick, baby.
11:19 It's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus,
11:22 shark, golden retriever and just a smidge of dinosaur.
11:26 Should add up to normal humanity.
11:28 That doesn't make any sense!
11:29 How does that add up to normal humanity?
11:31 What, you want me to show you my math? Are you the scientist or the kid that wa
nted to get laid?
11:40 I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished.
11:44 -Yeah it's satisfying work. -It's more than the work.
11:48 I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world.
11:52 It's the only time I can really think.
11:54 And feel.
11:58 -What are you doing? -I'm playing African dream pop.
12:01 What do you do after a long night?
12:06 I better get going. Jerry's been texting some pretty high maintenance stuff.
12:09 -Beth? -What is it, Davin?
12:11 Just once, I'd like to know... [sneezes]
12:16 ...what it was like to give your son a bath.
12:19 -What? -What does Morty's skin smell like?
12:24 How soft-- How soft are his privates?
12:28 Let go of me, Davin!
12:37 Take me to Morty.
12:40 You're not Morty.
12:42 No, I'm Mister Crowbar. And this is my friend.
12:46 Who is also a crowbar.
12:49 That's stupid.
12:54 Yeah? Well look where being smart got you.
12:56 -Jerry! Thank God! -God?
13:00 God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth.
13:03 I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me.
13:06 Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.
13:13 Take a good look down there and soak it in.
13:15 Once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal.
13:19 -Just do it already! -Technically, there's no rush.
13:22 Once it's fixed, it's done, it's fixed.
13:25 We could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, look at how crazy it is.
13:29 When's the next time you're gonna see something like this? Soak it in. It's pretty n
eat. It's pretty interesting.
13:36 That's it, I'm pulling the lever.
13:44 What do we have here? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? I bet yo
u feel pretty stupid right now, huh?
13:51 Like the world's smallest man, that you were doubting me about this whole thing.
13:55 Oh, Rick, something's not right!
13:57 -Yeah, you. You're not right. Ever. -No, no! Look, you idiot!
14:26 I bet you're loving this. This must be the best day of your life.
14:30 You get to be the mayor of I-told-you-town.
14:34 You're welcome.
14:45 Hold on.
15:05 I wish that shotgun was my penis.
15:08 If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.
15:11 I don't get it and I don't need to.
15:14 -[yells] Mom? Dad? -[both] Summer!
15:20 -Where's Morty? -I don't know.
15:22 Do you think grandpa had something to do with this?
15:25 -It's not fair to assume that. -Oh, not fair?
15:27 Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass and he left my mother.
15:32 A real man stands by his woman.
15:43 I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I?
15:45 We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there.
15:49 At least they're not in love with you anymore. That's a huge step.
15:53 Oh my god, it's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible?
15:57 Me irresponsible? All I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver.
16:02 You're the one who wanted me to buckle down and make you up a roofie juice se
rum,
16:08 so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.
16:11 Are you kidding me, Morty?
16:13 You're gonna try to take the high road on this one?
16:16 You're a little creep, Morty. You're just a little creepy creep person.
16:20 I should have listened to you when you refused to make the serum.
16:23 I'm willing to accept my part of the blame, but you gotta accept your part of the bl
ame!
16:29 I'm not the one who fouled up the serum. I'm not the one who haphazardly mixed
a bunch of nonsense together
16:35 and created a bunch of Cronenbergs. You gotta fix this!
16:38 Alright, Morty. We are in a pretty deep hole here, but I do have one emergency s
olution that I can use
16:45 that'll put everything back to normal. Relatively speaking.
16:47 Here, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
17:04 Wow, Rick, I gotta say. You really pulled a rabbit out your hat this time.
17:08 I thought the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here you did it!
17:12 You figured out that crazy solution like you always do.
17:16 Whoo! That's some great luck.
17:18 C'mon, luck had nothing to do with it. I'm great, that's the real reason.
17:24 Now, Morty, will you hand me a screwdriver
17:27 so I can finish my ionic desdefibulizer?
17:29 Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.
17:31 Alright, thank you very much. I got one screw turn.
17:35 And two screw turns!
17:43 Alright, here we are.
17:45 [terrified] Oh my God, Rick, is that us? We're dead!
17:48 What is going on? I'm freaking out!
17:50 -Calm down, Morty. Look at me. -Oh my God! I can't take it!
17:54 -Calm yourself, Morty! -This can't be real!
17:58 -Will you listen to me, Morty? - It's you and me! We're ripped apart!
18:01 Shut up and listen to me! It's fine! Everything is fine!
18:04 There's an infinite number of realities.
18:06 And in a few dozen of those, I turned everything back to normal.
18:10 I just had to find one in which we also happened to both die around this time.
18:14 Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality.
18:18 We're not skipping a beat. Help me with these bodies.
18:21 This is insane.
18:22 I'll grab myself, you grab yourself, OK? That seems fair to me, that seems like a f
air way to divvy it up.
18:28 Rick! What about the reality we left behind?
18:30 What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer?
18:33 Don't think about it. It's not like we can do this every week. We get three or four m
ore of these, tops.
18:38 Now pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.
18:42 I don't suppose you've considered this, but if I hadn't screwed up as much as I did
,
18:46 we'd be these guys right now. So, again, you're welcome.
20:26 [Summer] You know the thing about a shark, he's got lifeless eyes.
20:32 Black eyes like a doll's eyes.
20:34 When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living
20:36 until he bites ya and then, the blood and the red and the water...
20:41 Do you ever wonder what happened to Rick and Morty?
20:44 Sometimes. But I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone...
20:48 I'm finally happy.
20:53 Here we are, Cronenberg Morty.
20:55 A reality where everyone got genetically Cronenberged.
20:58 We'll fit right in, Morty. It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world.
21:02 Yeah, Rick, but I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world.
21:05 Because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning.
21:08 I wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg world beyond repair
21:12 and turned everyone into regular, normal people, just walking around...
21:16 Don't you worry about that sorta thing.
21:19 Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

Rick y Morty E7 Criando un Gazorpazorp

Time Subtitle

6s Look, I'm not paying 70 [burps] smidgens for a [burps] broken defraculator.

10s That is multiphase quantum resonator.

13s -Well does it defraculate? -Fuck no.

15s Then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation.

19s [shop owner] Your planet just got cell phones and the coverage still sucks.

23s [Rick] Yeah and your species eats sulfur.

25s So, let's say 60 smidgens and I'll tell you what, I'll do you a favor: I'll throw in a fart.

30s Hey, Rick, you think maybe I could get something from this place?

34s Like a souvenir? Like just to have, like something cool, you know?

37s Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because, you know, there's always another pawn
shop.

42s Oh, okay, I just... you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know.

47s Oh, it "looks cool", huh? That's why you want it?

50s Yeah, you know, I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth,

52s and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy

57s and, you know, I don't really have anything to remember all those trips by.

1:00 It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir, you know?

1:03 Like what if you passed away or died or something?

1:06 I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did.

1:09 OK. [burps] Sixty for the resonator and my grandson wants the sex robot.

1:52 So we're just going to pretend this isn't happening?

1:55 I'm not saying that's a bad idea, just asking.

1:58 Rick, why would you let Morty bring that thing into our house?

2:01 What do you want from me? He thought it looked cool. You know what I mean?

2:11 Alright, back upstairs.

2:19 Well, I'm intervening. Intervening with puberty?

2:22 You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in Red Dragon.

2:25 He's at that age, let's just be proud of him.

2:27 Jesus, did I really set the bar that low?

2:30 Rick! Could you come with me please? Quickly!

2:35 Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

2:40 Where's the sex robot, Morty?

2:42 That is Gwendolyn, I mean the robot.

2:44 She started beeping and then transformed and tried to fly away.
2:47 Strange, that's usually the man's job.

2:49 You know what I'm talking about, Morty? [gibberish]

2:52 Morty, that's my catch phrase, remember?

2:55 Remember how I cemented that catch phrase?

2:58 Alright, alright, seriously though, let me grab this thing.

3:03 Come on, you, rascal.

3:04 -Okay, unacceptable. -What is going on?

3:08 -Alright. Uh oh. -"Uh oh"? What is that?

3:12 I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

3:17 Genetic compiler, incubation chamber... Yep, this here's some kind of baby maker.

3:21 And that there's half Morty, half [burps] who-knows-what.

3:25 It's my bad, guys, I'll take care of it.

3:27 -Grandpa Rick, no! -Dad, what do you think you're doing?

3:30 Listen, you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

3:34 I mean this thing could grow to the size of Delaware.

3:36 I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS.

3:39 We gotta be careful.

3:40 I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now.

3:43 You know. It's time for me to be responsible.

3:46 -Isn't that right, Morty Junior? -Don't name it. Crap, he named it.

3:49 Well, dad, it's a living thing. And it's half-human.

3:52 And it was born on American soil, which entitles it--

3:54 Jerry, majoring in civics was your mistake, don't punish us for it.

3:58 Fine, I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and do a little bit of investigating.

4:02 Do not let that thing out of your sight.

4:04 It looks harmless now, but it could grow into something dangerous.

4:07 Like the Insane Clown Posse.

4:08 Yeah, good one, Jerry, 2003 just called, it wants its easy target back.
4:14 He's like a little me. You don't think he'll turn into a monster, do you?

4:19 They always do. Hey, 1995 called,

4:22 they want their "certain year called wanting its blank back" formula back!

4:26 Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort?

4:28 Life is effort and I'll stop when I die!

4:33 -Out. -What are you doing?

4:34 Well, I can't solve the problem my way,

4:36 thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups.

4:38 Gross, I might've just touched one of Morty's loads.

4:41 But maybe I can find suitable parents for Morty Junior on this robot's home world,

4:45 which is... Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer.

4:50 Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way?

4:54 I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer.

4:56 Oh, right! Because there's something about having a wiener that would make me better at
walking through a hole? [screams]

5:01 Oh, crap.

5:03 Grandpa Rick. Help! Help!

5:13 -Grandpa Rick! -Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?

5:16 -I want to go home! -Yeah, no duh.

5:23 Great. Now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.

5:27 -You're doing great, Morty. -Really? You think?

5:30 I mean I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries?

5:33 Then you put it down and let it cry itself out.

5:35 Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer and she's gonna end up stripping.

5:39 Isn't she? Yes she is.

5:42 She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it!

5:46 Stop filling it with your own insecurity, you're gonna turn it into Mort--

5:50 More of you.

5:52 Well we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist! What the--? [screams]

5:59 Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior.

6:02 Knock it off, both of you! Give me him, give me my baby.

6:05 You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Morty Junior myself!

6:10 ♪ Where's your hands? There's your hands! ♪

6:12 ♪ And that's how we play handy hands! ♪

6:16 -You are going to ruin that kid, Morty. -At least we can agree on that.

6:28 Thanks, Dumb-dumb.

6:31 I said thanks, Dumb-dumb. Go get more.

6:33 -Summer, put your burka on. -That burka is a human rights violation

6:37 and I spent a lot on this top.

6:39 Look, I'm trying to repair a portal gun with a bunch of sex doll parts

6:43 and I have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off.

6:46 The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender.

6:49 What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet?

6:53 And how did such backward idiots invent robots?

6:55 Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians

6:57 became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines.

7:01 The resultant lack of distraction and henpecking allowed them to focus entirely on war,

7:05 so they bombed themselves back to the stone age

7:07 and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.

7:11 You think it's efficient to get rid of women?

7:13 You ever see a line for the men's room? Do you hear me, Summer?

7:23 The [burps] plot [burps] thickens.

7:30 You might want to cover your eyes, Summer.

7:32 Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

7:36 [giant head] Yeah, baby.

7:38 Summer, grab hold.

7:45 Grandpa Rick, where are we going?

7:47 Well obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society

7:50 is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology

7:53 by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?

7:58 Oh. There we go, Summer. Hey, brother.

8:00 Hey, bro. Nice racket you got going on here.

8:04 Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from Earth, dimension C-137. Don't mean you any harm. Coming in
peace.

8:08 It's all cool, good in the neighborhood.

8:12 Is what I meant.

8:17 Oh, I get it.

8:18 The old "behind every great man" Amazon twist.

8:21 Silence!

8:26 -Your slave is ill-mannered. -My slave?

8:28 We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants?

8:33 If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him.

8:35 He's my slave! He's my slave. He's definitely my slave.

8:42 Oh, boy, what's the opposite of... [gibberish]

8:45 Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? [burps] You guys kidding me?

8:49 [Morty] Oh, Morty Jr. You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you?

8:53 Yeah, you're my special little guy.

8:59 -Da! -What was that, Morty Jr.?

9:01 Were you going to say "da-da"? Say "da-da."

9:03 Death!

9:05 -Da-da. -Domination.

9:09 Da-da?

9:09 Destruction. Domination.

9:12 [clears throat] Nice.

9:19 [female voice over PA system] The spider in Sector C is still alive.

9:22 Plan your route accordingly and expect delays.

9:25 We're not telling you what to do, we're just sharing how we feel.

9:28 And now weather. Is anyone else cold or is it just me?

9:34 I am Mar-Sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp.

9:37 -I am here if you need to talk. -What is this place?

9:40 Paradise. We built it during the Great Passive Aggression,

9:43 when the females separated from the males

9:45 due to their increasingly destructive behavior.

9:49 -I am here if you need to talk. -I am here if you need to talk.

9:52 From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates to maintain our population.

9:56 Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery.

9:59 The females are placed into educational programs,

10:02 where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most.

10:07 The males...

10:09 they get to play outside.

10:13 That was just a baby.

10:15 And within a day he'll be an adult male Gazorpian,

10:18 one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe.

10:20 Wait a minute. We're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet.

10:28 You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

10:30 It's true, though, one of your babies was born on Earth.

10:33 Are you the ruler of this Earth?

10:35 -How did you know? -The quality of your top.

10:37 -Do you love it? -I love it.

10:39 -I am here if you need to talk. -I am here if you need to talk.

10:43 If the Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger.

10:46 We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated.

10:49 But first, mojitos.

10:51 -We don't have time for mojitos. -You are insulting them.

10:54 I don't care, Summer, this place is the worst, I want to go home!

10:57 Well, it really doesn't matter what you want,

10:59 because this is a sane place where women rule!

11:01 Yeah? You know what I have to say about that?

11:06 I cannot believe my ears.

11:13 Oh, boy. Who let the frogs out, huh?

11:16 Grandpa!

11:18 -Grandpa? -That sounds patriarchal.

11:20 It means "father of fathers."

11:22 Then this one is not your slave

11:24 and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men!

11:27 It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals.

11:31 Equals? We make 70 percent of your salary for the same job.

11:34 Seize them!

11:37 Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?

11:42 This is for you, daddy!

11:44 Oh, man.

11:45 Okay, listen to me, Morty Jr.,

11:47 I gotta tell you something very important, okay?

11:50 Killing is bad. Bad. [laughs] You're a silly daddy!

11:54 No, Morty Jr., I'm being serious, okay?

11:56 You need to put your energy into something else.

11:59 I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance?

12:01 I would like to dance. On the graves of my enemies.

12:04 [whines] No, Morty Jr.

12:08 -Daddy? Can I go outside? -No. Absolutely not.

12:11 But that's where all the people and the animals are.

12:14 Yeah, but you can't go out there, because... the air is poisonous!

12:17 For you. You will die instantly if you ever leave this house.

12:21 -You hear me? -For real?

12:23 For real times a million, buddy. So let's just stay inside

12:26 and, you know, let's try dancing! Right? Look at me.

12:28 Yay! Look, we're gonna dance. Come on, dance with me here. We love to dance!

12:32 Why do we love to dance?

12:33 Because I said so!

12:37 -Nice. -Nice.

12:44 So, what are you in for?

12:46 Because, I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.

12:49 What are you in for?

12:51 The worst crime a female can commit.

12:53 Veronica Ann Bennet, I find you guilty of having bad bangs.

12:58 You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names?

13:02 You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment.

13:06 -This is gonna be cake. -No! Jackie!

13:10 Rick and Summer of Earth,

13:12 for the crimes of treason against womankind

13:14 and for creating the sound of which we do not speak, because it does not exist,

13:19 -you are hereby sentenced to-- -What, a night on the couch?

13:22 -Death. -Oh, gerp.

13:24 I hate you so much right now.

13:25 This will be the first instance of capital punishment

13:28 in our society in 500 years, due to our awesomeness,

13:32 so we are forced to improvise.

13:34 We placed a large boulder on that ledge--

13:37 Holy shit, you're gonna crush us with a boulder?

13:40 No! Stop interrupting.

13:42 The boulder falls onto a lever, that will launch knives.

13:46 What? Just give me a gun, I'll kill myself!

13:49 Stop interrupting.

13:50 The knives will...

13:52 Fine, you were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you.

13:56 I just didn't want to admit you were right, happy?

13:58 -No, just ignore them, ignore them. -Such an asshole.

14:02 Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this.

14:05 I wish I could've been a better grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth,

14:09 that is a really nice cute top that you're wearing there.

14:11 Top. My top! My top!

14:14 The same top you complimented earlier. Look! Look at the tag! Read it!

14:19 It says: "Marc Jacobs."

14:22 Marc, Jacob, these are names of the penis.

14:25 Yes. An Earth man made this top.

14:29 Maybe on your planet, separation of the genders is the right thing to do,

14:33 but on Earth a certain percentage of our males are born gay,

14:37 which is why my clothes are better than all of yours.

14:41 It's true. And sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted.

14:46 Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin

14:50 and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

14:53 Okay, ouch, noted.

14:55 But the fact remains, if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth,

14:59 you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken.

15:03 And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

15:08 Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft

15:11 so they may head back to their weird planet

15:13 where women are kind of equal, but not really.

15:16 Good job, Summer. And thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you
that.

15:21 You know, [burps] when we first got here I was-- Give them a ship now.

15:25 Morty Jr.! Smoking? That is not okay!

15:29 What are you gonna do, ground me? I can't go outside anyway!

15:32 So what? You could do things inside,

15:35 You could play guitar, you could masturbate.

15:37 I don't want to masturbate, I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again.

15:41 You know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?

15:44 Love, that's all you care about! What about weapons?

15:47 What about domination of the enemy?

15:49 Alright, that's it, no more History Channel!

15:50 This TV is for cartoons and video games only!

15:53 -I hate video games. -You take that back!

15:57 Give it to me!

16:01 I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that, I'm sorry.

16:04 I can't take this anymore.

16:05 I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with you!

16:08 No. Stop!

16:16 My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame!

16:19 Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!

16:21 Jesus wasn't born on Christmas, they moved the date, it was a pagan holiday!

16:25 -Oh, dad! -Yes, Morty?

16:27 My son is gonna take over the planet and I am too young to drive,

16:30 can you help me get him back?

16:33 I suppose, Morty, I suppose.

16:36 But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

16:46 Oh, my god, dad, come on!

17:35 Dad, there he is!

17:38 Oh, God, hey, stop that! [horn] Oh, my god, dad!

17:43 Morty Jr., no!

17:45 It's me. It's dad.

17:47 It's okay.

17:49 Put the car down, Morty Jr.

17:51 No! No, where's your hands?

17:57 My car! And that's how we play handy hands

18:02 -Out of the way, Morty. -No.

18:04 Morty, that's one of the most violently aggressive creatures in the universe.

18:08 He's my son and if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick.

18:18 Dad, I'm so confused.

18:21 I know, Morty Junior. I'm sorry.

18:24 I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me.

18:27 You know, parents are just kids having kids.

18:30 One minute you like how a shiny robot looks,

18:32 the next minute you're in a fist fight with your alien son.

18:36 I'm an alien?

18:37 We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts,

18:40 we just have to learn to channel them into something constructive.

18:43 But I want to murder everyone I see.

18:46 You know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way.

18:49 Actually, there is. Hi, I'm Brad Anderson,

18:52 creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip Marmaduke.

18:56 You should consider being a creative.

18:57 I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault

19:01 on a near daily basis,

19:02 but, you know, I channel it all into my work.

19:05 Wow.

19:06 I never got that impression from reading Marmaduke.

19:08 Well did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

19:13 Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson.

19:16 See, you hear that, Morty Junior? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind.

19:20 Maybe. I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel.

19:24 I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats,

19:27 -but beyond that. -I know you can do it, son.

19:30 I think it's time I get a place of my own.

19:34 I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry.

19:46 So I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?

19:52 Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there
was no point to it?

19:57 It kind of makes you wonder, huh? About nothing.

20:00 Are you sure it doesn't make you reevaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?

20:04 No. I'd say given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time

20:08 and any epiphanies about gender politics

20:09 were a projection of your feminine insecurity.

20:12 But hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship,

20:14 go ride around and have a jolly old time? Maybe that'll shut you up.

20:18 Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time?

20:20 -On Gazorpazorp, where were you? -I was reading a newspaper.

20:23 Oh, that's interesting, Beth, you know, it's funny,

20:26 I heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. Take a listen.

20:37 This world's still got a chance! Yeah!

20:41 See you guys next week! See everybody next week.
21:14 Mortimer Smith Junior, New York Times bestselling author.

21:17 Your book is about innocence, the definition of it

21:19 and inevitably, its impossibility. Is it autobiographical?

21:23 Certainly, I mean, all writing is,

21:26 in my opinion, but my...

21:30 my father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager.

21:36 And there was violence and threats of poison gas, but also dancing.

21:42 But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering,

21:46 Smith Junior's mind-bending novel

21:47 My Horrible Father in every store

21:49 [TV] and on everyone's mind, pick it up. We'll be right back.

21:52 It's a thankless job, Morty. You did the best you could.

21:56 I hope he's eating enough.

 Rick y Morty E8 Televisión interdimensional
Time Subtitle

10s -Cynthia. -[Jerry] Oh, my God, no.

12s -I told you. -Hold on.

14s Will you please

16s not marry me? I choose Veronica.

18s -What? -Yes!

19s -Called it. -Why would he choose Veronica?

21s -Because he loves her. -Well, if it's any consolation, Summer,

24s none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid.

26s Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

27s You show us your concept of good TV and we'll crap all over that.

31s I thought you'd never ask.

35s Oh, cool, is that crystallized xanthanite?

37s It conducts electrons across dimensions.

39s Twenty percent accurate as usual, Morty.

42s The important thing being, I just upgraded

43s our cable package with programming from every conceivable reality.

47s Wait, does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?

48s How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn?

51s We're not so different. We're both corn of action.

54s Yeah, but one of us is dead corn.

57s -[Summer] Boring. -Summer, you just spent

58s [burps] three months watching a man choose a fake wife.

1:01 So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn?

1:04 [Rick] You don't get it.

1:05 This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look.

1:08 This shit is delicious.

1:10 [Rick] A movie about a guy eating shit.

1:13 A violent antiques show.

1:15 -[laughs] It's a pleasure to have you. -The pleasure's all mine.

1:18 [Rick] Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.

1:21 -[Jerry] Wait. -[Beth] What in the hell?

1:22 [Rick] I agree, where is this going?

1:24 No! The other thing! Go back! [Rick] Really? Alright.

1:27 Glen, this is a court order. It says you can't eat shit anymore.

1:31 Alright, Jerry, when you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

2:06 [TV] Coming up next on Shmloo's the Shmloss, Shmlony has a nightmare!

2:12 Amazing. A dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shml".

2:19 Alright, that actually got old pretty quick.

2:22 Rick, will you please go back to me on David Letterman?

2:26 [Rick] Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel.

2:29 -[Beth] Go back, go back! -[Rick] Jeez.

2:31 You speak "da tru tru".

2:33 Oh, my god. Dad's in Cloud Atlas!

2:35 I'm in Cloud Atlas! What's Cloud Atlas?

2:38 Sometime small "Tru Tru diff'rent dan da big tru tru".

2:42 How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,

2:45 including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star.

2:48 Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

2:51 Look at this.

2:52 And now, another quick mystery.

2:55 I just want to know who could've done something like this, it's a travesty.

2:58 I did, you see this knife and all the blood on it? Here's my finger prints.

3:02 Guilty. I sentence you to life in prison.

3:04 Here's another quick mystery.

3:05 -My mother's dead! -And I killed her.

3:08 Here's the weapon and cuff me, thank you very much.

3:10 Guilty. Sentenced to murder.

3:13 -Here's another. -I'm the killer! [gunshot]

3:15 Oh, wow. That one was really quick, wasn't it?

3:18 Now who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions

3:22 and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves?

3:26 -The narcissistic option. -I want to obsess about myself.

3:29 Here. These scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines

3:32 through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch.

3:35 -[Summer] This is so cool! -[Beth] Yes! Ladies first!

3:38 -I'm proud of you, Morty. -I don't give a crap about myself, Rick.

3:40 Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo.

3:42 I'm Ants In My Eyes Johnson here at Ants In My Eyes Johnson's Electronics!

3:46 I mean there's so many ants in my eyes

3:48 and there's so many TV's! Microwaves! Radios!

3:51 I'm not 100% sure what we have here in stock because I can't see anything!

3:56 Our prices, I hope, aren't too low!

3:59 Check out this refrigerator! Only 200 dollars!

4:02 What about this microwave? Only 100 dollars! That's fair!

4:05 I'm Ants in my Eyes Johnson! Everything's black! I can't see a thing,

4:09 and also I can't feel anything either, did I mention that?

4:12 But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes,

4:15 so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.

4:17 I can't feel, it's a very rare disease,

4:20 all my nerves, they don't allow for the sensation of touch.

4:24 [TV] So I never know what's going on, am I standing, sitting? I don't know.

4:27 Are we sure we want to do this? Look at our own alternate lives?

4:31 You're right, maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those!

4:35 -[Beth] What do you see? -Whiteness.

4:37 [Jerry] Pure whiteness.

4:41 You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.

4:44 Whoa! I love doing cocaine with you too, Johnny Depp!

4:47 Haven't we spent enough time on you?

4:51 [Beth] I'm performing surgery, but not on a horse, on a human.

4:55 That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon.

4:59 I am a real surgeon.

5:01 -Summer's turn! -Finally.

5:05 I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline,

5:08 I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born.

5:12 That came out wrong, that came out very wrong.

5:15 Fine, I'll find a world where you bothered to have me.

5:21 We're playing Yahtzee.

5:23 Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee.

5:25 It's a fun game for fun families. Could I get those goggles back for a second?

5:28 [TV] It's a 45 horsepower with anti-lock brakes,

5:32 and it's the official car of Mr. Sneezy 3-D.

5:35 It's the brand new Sneezy XL.

5:38 The horn when you honk it makes a sneeze noise.

5:42 It's polite, it's right, and it's sneezy, deezy Mc Deluxe.

5:49 I'm Mr. Sneezy. [sneezes]

5:52 Seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it.

5:55 Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone.

5:58 [TV] It's in theaters now. Coming this summer.

6:00 Two brothers in a van.

6:03 And then a meteor hit. And they ran as fast as they could.

6:07 From giant cat monsters.

6:09 And then a giant tornado came.

6:11 And that's when things got knocked into twelfth gear.
6:16 A Mexican armada shows up

6:19 with weapons made from tomatoes.

6:22 And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business.

6:28 In: Alien Invasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers

6:34 Who Are Just Regular Brothers Running In A Van From An Asteroid

6:39 And All Sorts Of Things The Movie.

6:42 Hold on, there's more.

6:44 Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie,

6:47 and they're going to come and cross attack these two brothers.

6:51 But let's get back to the brothers because they have a strong bond.

6:56 You don't want to know about it here.

6:57 But I'll tell you one thing, the moon, it comes crashing into Earth.

7:01 And what do you do then? It's two brothers and...

7:04 they're going to... it's called Two Brothers.

7:07 Two Brothers. It's just called Two Brothers.

7:09 Holy crap, I am winning a Nobel Prize!

7:12 Come on, time's up.

7:14 I'm taming a lion.

7:16 No, wait, there are film cameras. I might be a lion tamer in a movie.

7:20 You get the idea, I work with lions.

7:24 We're not playing Yahtzee! We're playing Chutes and Ladders.

7:29 Seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know, predictable?

7:33 When two people create a life together,

7:36 they set aside their previous lives as individuals.

7:39 Give me a break, we're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.

7:43 I get it, now that you know you could've had it better,

7:46 you resent me for holding you back.

7:49 Well now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables.

7:54 What are you talking about?

7:55 All this time you've been thinking: "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?"

7:59 Well now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoopdee doo.

8:02 You'd also be drinking wine alone in a house full of exotic birds

8:06 and I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht banging Kristen Stewart!

8:10 You thought about getting an abortion?

8:11 Everyone thinks about it. Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it,

8:15 -so you're welcome. -Yeah, you're welcome.

8:18 Yeah, thank you guys so much!

8:20 It's a real treat to be raised by parents

8:22 that force themselves to be together instead of being happy!

8:25 Hey, do we have any wafer cookies?

8:29 Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh?

8:33 That's too bad. You know, me and Morty are having a blast,

8:36 we just discovered a show called Ball Fondlers.

8:38 I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything,

8:40 but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

8:55 -I'm in heaven right now. -This might be the best day of my life.
8:58 So now what do we do?

9:00 That show Ball Fondlers sounded kind of interesting.

9:02 -Dad! -What? They're having fun in there.

9:04 What do you guys want from me?

9:06 Every family on this block has to wonder if they're together by choice.

9:09 Our family has interdimensional goggles to show us for a fact that we're not.

9:14 -Well, I'm leaving. -You can't leave, you're 17.

9:16 Yeah, and I'm not pregnant. I'm gonna have better judgment than you guys had at my age.

9:21 I'm gonna move to the southwest

9:24 and I don't know, do something with turquoise.

9:27 [TV] It's Saturday Night Live!

9:30 Starring: a piece of toast,

9:33 two guys with handlebar mustaches,

9:35 a man painted silver who makes robot noises,

9:38 Gar Ma Nar Nar,

9:40 three... I'll get back to that one,

9:45 a hole in the wall where the men can see it all,

9:49 and returning for his twenty-fifth consecutive year:

9:53 Bobby Moynihan.

9:57 Interesting fun fact, Moynihan and piece of toast hate each other.

10:00 Apparently they've got some real creative differences.

10:03 Hey, are you tired of real doors

10:05 cluttering up your house where you open them and you actually go somewhere and you go into another room?
10:10 Get on down to Real Fake Doors, that's us!

10:12 Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch, check this out.

10:15 Won't open. Won't open.

10:18 Not this one. Not this one. None of them open!

10:21 Fakedoors.com is our website

10:23 so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake doors!

10:36 Wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial, what's going on?

10:39 Relax, Morty. Don't worry about it, let's just see where this goes.

10:44 Step on it! We all got places to be! [horn]

10:46 Son of a bitch.

10:50 See, that must be where he lives. Okay.

10:54 [Rick] Ha! He's making himself a sandwich now.

11:00 Hey, everybody! So this is my house. Just made a sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly.

11:04 Still here. Still selling fake doors.

11:07 -[Morty] What? -It's still the commercial!

11:09 We have fake doors like you wouldn't believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

11:14 Call us up and order some fake doors today.

11:16 Don't even hesitate. Don't even worry.

11:19 -Alright I'm bored. Change it. -Wait, hold on.

11:20 Don't give it a second thought. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

11:25 Here's another slogan, right below that one.

11:27 What are you worried about? Come get fake doors! Get in here quick.

11:31 Get out quicker

11:32 with an arm of fake doors in your arms!

11:33 -Okay you can change it. -And don't even worry about it!

11:37 [TV] I hate mamumanumsdays

11:39 and I really could go for some enchiladas.

11:42 [Morty] Rick, that's pretty cool.

11:44 It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

11:46 Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from?

11:50 Remember that whole thing?

11:51 Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty... That's true. That's right.

11:55 Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

11:58 Hey, John, it's me, Gazorpazorpfield.

12:00 Boy. [censor beep] you, John. You [censor beep] dumb, stupid.

12:04 Come on, Gazorpazorpfield. Go easy on me, huh?

12:07 You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic.

12:11 White. White... guilt. White guilt.

12:16 Milquetoast, piece of human garbage.

12:20 Jeez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's, you know. You are pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

12:24 I don't give a [censor beep]. I'm Gazorpazorpfield, bitch.

12:28 Now give me my [censor beep] enchiladas.

12:30 Hey, Rick, you know. Did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.

12:34 No, Morty it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality he's still alive.

12:37 -Okay. Was his name Lorenzo Music? -Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

12:40 He also did the voice of that one guy from Ghostbusters,
12:43 which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray

12:45 played in the movie, but then when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp... Garfield I mean.

12:51 Yeah, that's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality too?

12:53 I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Morty.

12:56 What do you think, I know everything about everything?

13:00 Did you really talk me out of the abortion?

13:02 Well, we blew a tire on the way to the clinic.

13:06 I think in my head, I was doing it all for the kids.

13:09 And now the first kid is going to "do something with turquoise."

13:13 Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it.

13:16 So we didn't do the kids any favors.

13:18 So we should stay together for each other and ourselves or...

13:23 Or?

13:26 [TV] Man. Woman. And now Trunkman?

13:29 We know science has created men that have a trunk

13:31 that allows them to have sex with both male and female partners.

13:34 But we don't like the idea of these people getting married.

13:37 Put a line in the sand, everybody.

13:39 Vote no on proposition XW2.

13:42 The act that says gay... Trunk People can get married. Who needs it?

13:45 Not on my watch!

13:47 Paid for by Michael Dennies and the Denny Singers.

13:51 Hi, I'm a Trunk Person

13:53 and I feel love in my heart too, just like you.

13:56 I want to be able to express that love with both a man and a woman.

13:59 And I won't be able to if Denny and the Denny Singers get their way.

14:03 Let the Trunk People have sex and get married, huh!

14:06 Paid for by Trunk People.

14:08 [Irish accent] Oh, I love me Strawberry Sniggles.

14:11 Oh, I hope nobody ever gets my hands on me

14:14 and tries to steal my Strawberry Smiggles. I'm gonna eat every last one of them

14:18 and then they'll be in my stomach and nobody will ever be able to eat them!

14:21 Except for me, because they're gonna be all inside my stomach.

14:24 My name is Mr. Tophat Jones

14:29 and God forbid anyone ever take my shmakys-little-people-snibbles.

14:32 I'm keeping them all for me.

14:36 Last bite.

14:38 Now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach.

14:40 Oh, am I feeling good.

14:41 No! Get away from me! Get away from me. Those are my scrumptious Strawberry Snibbles! No!

14:47 Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! It hurts!

14:51 My entrails are out! Why would you even want to eat these?

14:54 They are soaked with my stomach acid! Ah, Jesus Christ, Lord, Savior

14:58 and Spirit! Save me! Take me to the Light!

15:02 Oh, my God! I see demons! I see demons are coming!

15:05 Jeez, Rick. Oh, my God! That's some pretty hardcore stuff for a cereal commercial.
15:10 Well, you know, Morty. I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little.

15:15 Pedal to the metal, Morty.

15:16 [TV] In a world where Muscular Mannies are comin' and they're comin' strong.

15:21 There's only three unmuscular Michaels.

15:25 Get down. Hurry. Run.

15:29 [TV] And that's when real Turbulent Juice is comin' and you gotta take care of it.

15:36 With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables,

15:39 no room is safe from the turbulent power

15:42 of Turbulent Juice.

15:45 -What in the hell? -Sex sells Morty.

15:47 Sex sells what? Was that a movie? Or, like, does it clean stuff?

15:52 Hey, dad. What's going on?

15:54 Well, your mother and I are going to be spending some time apart, Morty.

15:56 And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy.

15:59 -What? -Speaking of [burps] what, Morty.

16:02 [burps] What should we [burps] watch next?

16:06 What about this?

16:07 Baby Legs, you're a good detective. But not good enough,

16:10 because of your baby legs. So I'm partnering you up with Regular Legs.

16:14 -Hey there. -[high-pitched] This is upsetting to me.

16:17 because I feel like I don't need no regular legged partner.

16:20 Baby Legs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, there's a criminal to kill.

16:26 -Wow, you sure found this guy quick. -Yeah, because I'm a good detective.
16:30 Look, Baby Legs, it's the criminal!

16:31 I'm the killer, I'm runnin', I'm runnin' real quick.

16:34 Baby Legs, here we go!

16:38 That's the sound I make when I'm trying to run fast.

16:43 Alright, I'm not gonna get him, I just learned a real valuable lesson.

16:46 I'm coming, Baby Legs! I'm Regular Legs!

16:51 -We got him. -That was good teamwork.

16:53 Baby Legs and Regular Legs, I'm proud of you two for working together.

16:57 And, Baby Legs, I know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner,

17:01 -but I'm proud of you that you did it. -Thanks, Chief.

17:04 Now get outta here!

17:05 -Pretty cool, huh, Morty? -I thought it was cool.

17:09 I don't give a [censor beep] what you think, Jerry.

17:16 Hey, you doing okay?

17:19 -I kinda know how you feel, Summer. -No, you don't.

17:22 You're the little brother, you're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it.

17:27 Can I show you something?

17:28 Morty, no offense, but a drawing of me you made

17:30 when you were 8 isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident.

17:33 That out there? That's my grave.

17:37 Wait. What?

17:38 On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world.

17:42 So we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one,

17:44 because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed,

17:47 and in this one, we were dead.

17:49 So we came here and we buried ourselves and we took their place.

17:53 And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away

17:56 from my own rotting corpse.

17:59 So you're not my brother?

18:01 I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother

18:03 you can trust when he says don't run.

18:06 Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere.

18:09 Everybody's going to die. Come watch TV.

18:15 [TV] Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.

18:20 But sometimes plans need a helping paw.

18:25 What are the kitties to do but buckle together and work as a team?

18:29 Mrs. Sullivan, please forgive me for being forward,

18:32 but your eyes are so beautiful.

18:35 Wait this is an actual movie?

18:37 [TV] This Fall, sparks will fly.

18:42 [insurance salesman] Mrs. Sullivan.

18:44 [TV] Between one guy who can't get a break.

18:46 There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan.

18:49 [TV] And nine cats who break all the rules.

18:53 Last Will and Testimeow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House Two.

18:57 Well somebody in Hollywood just lost their job.

18:59 [TV] Written and directed by Jerry Smith.

19:02 I wrote and directed that? What am I, nuts?

19:04 Hey, Morty, you just missed a preview for your dad's Citizen Kane.

19:07 Doesn't matter.

19:09 Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys choose?

19:13 Doesn't matter.

19:14 [TV] Breaking news. Academy Award winning actor Jerry Smith

19:17 is leading police on a slow speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown.

19:22 -Don't even think about it. -Come on, are you kidding me, Jerry?

19:25 It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap.

19:27 It's my life and we're watching it.

19:31 [slurs] You did it, Beth. You really nailed it.

19:34 [burps] You're a surgeon. A human surgeon.

19:39 Yay, you win.

19:42 Where the hell am I going?

19:43 [burps] What are you asking me for, Jerry?

19:46 I'm sitting here trying to figure out why the cops don't just take you out,

19:50 [burps] they got a clear shot to your head.

19:51 I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this.

20:02 [alternate Beth] Jerry? Jerry Smith?

20:06 Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school.

20:09 I hate acting, I hate cocaine, I hate Kristen Stewart.

20:12 I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion

20:14 and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been.

20:44 Hey, Ball Fondlers? Huh? Ball Fondlers?

20:47 -I could go for some Ball Fondlers. -Yes, Ball Fondlers.

21:24 Hamster in butt world weather is done and now it's sports time comin' up.

21:28 -Oh, hello there! -Good day to you, miss.

21:30 So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?

21:33 -Yeah, sweetie, that's where they live. -Well, how does that work?

21:36 I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?

21:39 Yeah, and can they leave the butt and walk around on their own?

21:42 Look, I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are.

21:44 Grandpa Rick, if they leave the butt and the person wanders off,

21:48 how would they find their butt person again?

21:50 I don't know, Summer! I can't even hear the TV!

21:52 Alright, that's it. We're just going to go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day.

21:57 Oh, family vacation!

Rick y Morty E9 Cosas necesarias
Time Subtitle

10s Hey, Rick, I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend, -you think you could help me out? -Wha

15s Well. I mean, traditionally, science fairs are a father/son thing.

20s Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

23s Morty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your dad.

30s -Yeah, dad, why don't we do it together? -Yes.

34s You backed the right horse on this one, son.

36s We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee and knock this thing out in two or three days.

42s -[electronic voice] What is my purpose? -Pass the butter.

47s Thank you.

51s Dad, I need a ride to work.

53s Maybe Rick can give you a ride. I'm helping Morty with science.

57s -I'm busy. -Doing what?

59s Anything else.

1:02 -[electronic voice] What is my purpose? -You pass butter.

1:06 -Oh, my god. -Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

1:44 -Since when do you have a job? -Since last week.

1:46 It's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man
1:51 that treats me nice and values me. Can't wait to meet this [burps] fascinating character.

1:56 Please don't.

2:00 When did this stop being Jamba Juice? I've just recently opened for business,

2:06 -Mister Goldenfold. -You know my name? That's disarming.

2:10 I also know you long for female company.

2:12 You know it has been lonely since the divorce. Some voids can't be filled with Jamba Juice.

2:18 This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women.

2:22 Free of charge. One never pays here. Not with money.

2:26 Nothing to read into there! Thanks!

2:29 Sorry I'm late, Mr. Needful. This is my Grandpa Rick, he was just leaving.

2:34 Tell me, Rick, what do you desire?

2:36 I make my own stuff. So, what are you, like, the Devil? What? Sorry?

2:41 I don't know, store comes outta nowhere, all this shit's old and creepy.

2:45 -Are you the Devil, a demon, leprechaun? -Grandpa Rick!

2:48 Hey, I'm not judging, just like to shoot straight, I'm a man of science.

2:52 Then perhaps you could make use of this.

2:54 This microscope reveals things beyond comprehension.

3:06 Grandpa, go home and drink.

3:10 Why don't we do a model of the solar system?

3:12 That's what my dad did with me when I was your age. Okay.

3:16 You know, Rick's in his lab making cyborgs and wormholes

3:19 and all that weird stuff, but this is real science.

3:23 A man and his boy, making planets.

3:25 Hey, how about we use a ping pong ball for Pluto?, and then Jupiter-- Actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet.

3:33 Of course Pluto's a planet, son. I learned that in the third grade.

3:37 -Yeah, but you know, they changed it. -Morty, nobody changed the planets.

3:40 I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet, they changed it in 2006.

3:45 Yeah, I heard about that, Morty. And I disagree.

3:49 You disagree? That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Morty.

3:53 Pluto was a planet, some committee of fancy assholes disagree,

3:56 I disagree back. Give me a ping pong ball.

3:59 Okay, I just have to--

4:01 Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto?

4:02 No, geez, I just gotta go to the bathroom! Damn.

4:07 [clears his throat] Okay, good. This is going to be fun!

4:12 Hey, Morty, let me [burps] ask you a question real quick.

4:15 Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it?

4:19 Rhetorical question, Morty, the answer's yes, you just have to be a genius.

4:24 Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope

4:26 -that would've made me retarded. -Oh, boy, Rick,

4:28 I don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know. Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled.

4:33 I'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would've made me mentally retarded.

4:37 Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powe

4:42 that feel like they're doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

4:45 -What are you guys talking about? -Apparently nothing.

4:47 You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? -No. -It's not.
4:50 -Shut up, Rick! -Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again.

4:57 Planet. Planet, planet, planet!

5:00 Stay scientific, Jerry.

5:04 This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent!

5:08 A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. [evil laughter]

5:14 [sobs] Oh, my God! How could I not see this coming!

5:20 My lust!

5:23 My greed!

5:25 I deserved this.

5:28 This serum should [burps] counteract the negative effects.

5:31 Holy cats! Ladies, let's get outta here! I haven't learned a thing!

5:36 -Here, you [burps] can have this back. -You didn't use it?

5:40 Sure I did. To develop this.

5:42 It detects and catalogues all your Twilight Zone,

5:44 Ray Bradbury, Friday the Thirteenth the Series voodoo crap magic.

5:48 I thought you might want it, so you didn't accidentally sell anybody, say...

5:51 a typewriter that generates bestselling murder mysteries

5:55 and then makes the murders happen in real life. [spooky sound]

5:58 Be quiet! Don't you wanna make sure people know what they're getting?

6:01 You're not intentionally selling...

6:03 beauty cream that makes ugly ladies pretty, but also makes them blind?

6:08 -I find this all quite preposterous. -I say, good sir, oh...

6:15 That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours?
6:19 Do I need to call the police?

6:21 Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack.

6:29 Stop it! No!

6:32 Stop! Stop it right now!

6:35 Grandpa Rick, I like working here! You work for the Devil!

6:38 -So what? -So what?

6:40 Yes, so what if he's the Devil, Rick? At least the Devil has a job.

6:44 At least he's active in the community.

6:46 What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets. Bye.

6:55 I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. I'll clean that up. I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it.

7:00 It's fine. Summer, you know, your grandfather's right. This store curses people. That's my business.

7:06 Fast food gives people diabetes and clothing stores have sweatshops.

7:10 Is there a company hiring teenagers that isn't evil? This is my first job.

7:14 You've been nice to me, Mr. Needful. You respect me.

7:17 Please. Call me The Devil.

7:20 -I'd rather not, actually. -Yes, perhaps not during business hours.

7:23 I told you, I want to file a declaration that Pluto is a planet.

7:28 Well, then my son's going to fail his science class, and when that happens, I'm suing you first.

7:33 I think I know what the A in NASA stands for.

7:36 -Dad, what's your end game? -Ain't no game, sucka.

7:38 Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier.

7:42 Sure, sure. Why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?

7:46 Science isn't always easy, Morty.

7:52 What the hell?

8:06 I'm King Flippy Nips, ruler of Pluto.

8:09 We discovered you quite by accident during routine surveillance of your world.

8:14 You really gave it to those guys at NASA.

8:17 You know, sometimes science is about conviction.

8:21 I'd like to introduce you to a few people that very much agree with you. Oh, I...

8:28 Plutonians. Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth,

8:32 where he's creating a model of our solar system.

8:36 Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision.

8:42 Pluto's a planet.

8:44 Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

8:48 Oh, man, this is definitely gonna go to his head.

8:51 If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina, I might--

8:55 -I'll take it! -But I haven't--

8:57 Thank you very, very much. Great store, great place. Bye.

9:02 Okay. I must say, Summer, I thought your grandfather's outburst would have disrupted business,

9:07 but this is the best weekend I've had since Salem.

9:10 Nice. Wholesome Delight for lunch?

9:12 -Is that the vegan place? -Yeah, I love their soup.

9:14 I'm kind of souped out.

9:16 Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire?

9:20 Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right?

9:24 Let's just say you don't pay with money.

9:28 -That was perfect. -You pay with the curses, right?

9:33 But Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

9:36 Well, I'm gonna get the curses removed at Curse Purge Plus. You know, the guy on TV?

9:44 Have you acquired, creepy, specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers b

9:50 Bring it to Curse Purge Plus. I use science to uncurse the items for cash

9:56 and you get to keep the powers!

9:57 This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what?

10:01 He would have had to run until he died, making them worthless.

10:04 I removed the curse, making them worth like, I don't know, 8 million dollars? See you at the Olympics.

10:09 This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family.

10:12 -Now it does their taxes. -[doll] Everything's deductible.

10:15 Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, you know, like how every other store in the world

10:21 We're located at First and Main in old town. Come on, come on down.

10:24 First and...

10:29 Across the street from Needful Things, where you can get evil items for free.

10:32 Diabolical son of a mother--

10:36 We're back on Good Morning Pluto

10:38 and a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith,

10:43 who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry?

10:47 -Pluto is a planet. -Wow.

10:49 -Well, how about that. -I love it.

10:52 Morty Smith? I'm Scroopy Noopers. I'm a scientist. Can I show you something?

10:57 -I better not. -Right now.

11:02 The center of Pluto, Mister Smith, is made of a substance called Plutonium.

11:06 Mines like these suck Plutonium up to the cities,

11:10 where corporations use it to power everything,

11:13 from diamond cars to golden showers

11:16 and the more we remove, the more Pluto shrinks.

11:20 There it goes again. It just shrank a little.

11:22 But a few years ago, your scientists noticed Pluto had gotten so small

11:27 they couldn't call it a planet anymore. It should have been our wake up call.

11:31 But the rich Plutonians won't wake up. And they love your dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet,

11:36 because that means they can keep mining, until Pluto goes from planet

11:40 to asteroid, to meteor and finally... poof.

11:45 A party?

11:46 -Is everyone in your family an idiot? -For sure me and my dad are!

11:50 Well, all you have to do is get him to admit that and you could save four billion lives.

11:56 Yeah, you know, the thing is, my dad's really insecure.

12:04 Funny. Mister Needful, out of everything in the store you'll never guess what we couldn't get rid of.

12:12 Oh, my God.

12:16 I wish this desk was lighter.

12:21 I wish this knot was looser!

12:25 Come on.

12:30 Wait, what am I doing? I wish I knew CPR!

12:37 Jesus, what a waste of a monkey paw.

12:39 Mr. Needful, how could you even think of doing something so horrible?
12:43 I'm the Devil, what should I do when I fail, give myself an ice cream?

12:47 You haven't failed! People like Rick are making me obsolete.

12:51 I mean, seriously, I may be the Devil, but your grandpa is the Devil.

12:55 I just want to go back to Hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny.

12:58 No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you. Even Rick.

13:03 I was your only friend, and I get nothing? Okay, I'll give you one thing. Name it.

13:09 I want to help you.

13:12 -Clever twist. -I learned from the best, you old fart.

13:15 Now let's go get you hydrated.

13:17 Looks like we've got haunted boxing gloves that will make you the heavyweight champion in 1936,

13:23 and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity.

13:26 I can take out the eternity and the padding and then you'll have some time traveling mittens.

13:31 Oh, look, it's Rosemary's baby. How's business?

13:34 Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter 11 and do some restructuring.

13:39 Sounds like code for "you win, Rick".

13:41 That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend.

13:46 To me this was all just a bit like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes.

13:49 He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

13:55 But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong and he's never going to give up.

13:59 -Yeah, I don't care. -I know. Everyone knows you don't care.

14:03 -So? -So, have fun not caring.

14:06 -I always do. -Good. Yeah, it is good. It's [burps] the best.

14:09 I'm sure it is. -Bye. -Later.

14:13 I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, give me a second.

14:17 These are the forms for the employee health plan? Alright, yeah, put them on my...

14:25 I just got bored. Everybody out.

14:28 [Jerry] All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project.

14:32 Dad. Pluto isn't a planet, it's shrinking because of corporations.

14:35 Yeah, that's what that anti-planet nut job Scroopy Noopers was screaming about outside the ministry of mon

14:42 Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong?

14:45 You said science wasn't easy!

14:46 I said science isn't always easy. Obviously that means sometimes it is easy,

14:51 let's not debase ourselves with word games, son.

14:53 -Dad, their whole planet is dying. -You called it a planet. Checkmate.

14:58 What's up, Pluto!

15:04 Mr. Smith, please, tell my friend here what you just told me, go on.

15:08 "My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles." And the pickles is Pluto.

15:13 My god. The man's a genius!

15:16 -Excuse me. -Morty? What?

15:19 Dad, what did you think about the recent report published by The Pluto Science Reader linking

15:24 plutoquakes, sinkholes and surface shrinkage to deep core Plutonium drilling?

15:33 Well, son, what did you think when you were five, and you pooped your pants,

15:37 and you threw your poopy undies out your bedroom window because you thought it was like throwing someth

15:43 I mean, I'm trimming the hedges and these things are just hanging there, was I supposed to think the poop b

15:49 Good one, dad.

15:52 Hey, Morty, you wanna go on a...

15:55 Hey, Beth? Hello?

15:56 Hey, Jerry? You in here being stupid?

16:05 Thanks. Hey, you know, I was thinking, you know, I might watch a movie.

16:09 [electronic voice] I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

16:16 Hey, hey. What is going on? Listen, can you help me do this stupid science fair project?

16:23 Whatever.

16:24 Jerry, you must be so excited.

16:28 The Plutobel Prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive.

16:32 I'm flattered and humbled. Oh, I like that. Use that in your speech.

16:37 Also, talk about Pluto being a planet, people like that.

16:41 You're highness, we've captured Scroopy Noopers. You animals. Animals!

16:45 Look whose little journey has come to an end.

16:50 Take him to Plutanamo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father!

16:54 -What? -I can see you're confused.

16:56 Plutanamo Bay is a military prison, a sort of play on words.

17:00 Did he call you father? Scroopy Noopers, the anti-planet nut job, is your son?

17:06 The young eat the old if you let them, Jerry.

17:08 Pluto is a cold, cold celestial dwarf.

17:11 -It's a what? -Oh, planet!

17:15 Pluto is a cold, cold planet. That's what I meant.

17:19 Knock them dead out there, you.

17:24 Pluto is...

17:38 not a planet.

17:41 It's not a planet! Hey!

17:43 It's not a planet! I'm an idiot and I love my son!

17:49 It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled Needful Things

17:53 into the globally compliant, web 4.0 "enomenon", N33dful.com!

17:59 Spelled with threes instead of E's!

18:03 Okay, that's it, we just got bought by Google!

18:09 I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So how much did we make?

18:14 -We? This is my business. Security. -You're Zuckerberging me?

18:19 I was Zuckerberging people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the Devil, bitch! What! What!

18:34 -Hey, Morty. -Hey, dad.

18:36 What are you doing back from Pluto so quick?

18:39 Some people just can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me.

18:44 Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick,

18:47 but I promise never to make that your problem again.

18:50 Hey, dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad.

18:55 You're a genius at that. Wow.

18:58 That's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you.

19:04 What's say we finish ourselves an 8 planet solar system?

19:06 I'm just gonna take this thing in

19:09 -and get an A. -[electronic voice] Butter.

19:11 You're a genius at being my dad, dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also,

19:16 knock next time, you know? I mean I'm sitting in here, I'm 14,

19:18 -I got a computer in here, you know? -I think I understand.

19:22 You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.

19:24 I get it. Say no more. I mean, one of these days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something.

19:29 I got it! Noted! Good night!

19:35 How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka the Devil?

19:38 -He dumped me. -Sorry.

19:41 -Did we learn a lesson I'm not seeing? -Not sure.

19:45 Maybe in a much bigger way, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?

19:49 Because I was always jealous of you hanging out with Morty,

19:52 and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval?

19:56 -No. That's dumb. -Nah, not satisfying.

19:58 I'll tell you what, though. If it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea.

20:08 Totally. Let's do it.

20:34 And that's how I took my storefront

20:36 into the forefront of the upfront. Thank you, Seattle!

20:46 -Stupid motherfucker. -Stupid bitch.

20:49 Stupid motherfucker.

20:51 How do you like that?

20:56 Why?

20:57 Because sometimes, what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

21:06 We did it, [burps] totally worth it. We did it.

21:10 -We just pulled it off. -Yeah, bro.

 Rick y Morty E10 Encuentros cercanos a lo Rick
Time Subtitle

6s -So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is? -Martin Luther King Junior's birthday.

10s -No. Well, it might be... -It is.

13s Fine, but also, tomorrow is your one year anniversary back in our lives!

18s I'm gonna make you flying saucer shaped pancakes!

20s There's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

30s [Jerry] Oh my god! What is happening?

1:05 -Happy anniversary, dad! -Oh, I get it.

1:08 Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.

1:12 -I should be making you breakfast. -You should be making a whole restaurant.

1:16 Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around.

1:19 I just wish I got to see more of you.

1:23 Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternat
e Ricks

1:28 by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

1:31 -What the heck? -Neutralize the Jerry.

1:33 Wait! No! I'll--

1:35 -Dad! -[angry] Dad!

1:36 -Rick! -Everybody relax.

1:38 If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes,

1:40 they just wanna haul me to their stupid clubhouse

1:42 and waste my time with questions. Let's get it over with.

1:45 -Bring his [burps] Morty. -Leave my [burps] Morty out of this!

1:49 You lost the right to have a say in this when you refused to join the Council.

1:53 What about Jerry?

1:54 Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

1:58 ...give you anything! I have a rare antique coin collection! Just don't hurt me!

2:05 OK, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting with little R2D2s instead of George
Washingtons.

2:10 -Our son's been abducted! -You hate me for buying those coins!

2:16 -Geez, Rick, what is this place? -The Citadel of Ricks.

2:20 The secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

2:23 Council of Ricks?

2:24 I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat:

2:28 galactic terrorists, a few subgalactic dictators,

2:31 almost the entire intergalactic government...

2:32 Wherever you find people with heads up their asses,

2:35 someone wants a piece of your grandpa.

2:36 And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem.

2:39 So, a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together.

2:43 Like a herd of cattle or a school of fish

2:46 or those who answer questions on Yahoo Answers.

2:49 -Hey, it's a cowboy version of me! -Geez, you're easy to impress.

2:53 Most timelines have a Rick and most Ricks have a Morty.
2:55 This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

2:58 Turn your boring old Morty into a hot fashion statement

3:02 -with some Morty dazzlers! -Hey, check this out!

3:05 -[Morty Doll] Show me the Morty! -Dumb.

3:07 Sir, is your Morty insured? Every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured--

3:11 Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

3:14 I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

3:16 Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.

3:20 Hey, save your Rick Rules for the [burps] Sheep Ricks, Rick Pig.

3:23 -[censor beep] me, pal. -[censor beep] you! No! [censor beep] me!

3:39 Bring up the holograms.

3:43 [Rick councilor] Twenty seven Ricks, brutally murdered in their own timelines.

3:46 An unprecedented Rickicidal epidemic.

3:50 What say you, Earth Rick C-137?

3:53 You think I did this?

3:54 Why am I the first you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?

3:57 You [burps] have a history of noncooperation with the Council.

4:01 Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. Why isn't he here in handcuffs?

4:05 Because he's dead, too! [Ricks gasp]

4:09 Who else would you have us question? You fit the profile.

4:12 Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.

4:17 I'm the Rick. And so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance.

4:21 You wanted to be safe from the government so you became a government.
4:24 That makes all of you less Rick than me.

4:28 Yeah, murmur it up, D-Bags.

4:29 If you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top of them.

4:33 They're about to hit the point of syrup-absorption

4:35 that turns them into a gross paste.

4:37 I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it,

4:39 but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top.

4:42 And I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence.

4:46 So, as they say in Canada: "Peace Ooot!"

4:49 Evidence? Good idea.

4:51 Scan his portal gun.

4:53 Aw, come on, don't look at another man's portal gun history.

4:56 We all go to weird places.

4:58 Yes, but it appears you alone

5:01 have been going to the exact timelines and locations

5:03 in which the murders occurred.

5:05 What? That's rick-diculous. I'm obviously being set up!

5:09 Earth Rick C-137,

5:11 the Council of Ricks sentences you to The Machine of Unspeakable Doom,

5:16 which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless

5:20 while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp.

5:23 Also, every ten seconds, it stabs your balls.

5:26 I've heard enough.

5:30 [Rick] Run, Morty!

5:32 Ah, ah, not you.

6:03 I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please.

6:07 White people. No, no! Black people. And Hispanic on half.

6:22 Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair please.

6:26 High chair. No, no! Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

6:42 They could have gone into any one of these. Aw, son of a--!

6:45 -Aw, geez! We lost 'em! -Aw man!

6:47 I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please.

6:50 Cell phone. No, no! Rotary. And pay phone on half.

6:55 That'll keep 'em [burps] busy for a while.

6:59 Those guys were wrong, right? You wouldn't kill yourself... yourselves.

7:04 Of course not. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks,

7:08 and the Council ain't going to stop thinking it's me

7:11 until we find the real Rick killer.

7:13 Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons like in Doomsday Preppers.

7:17 Not really my style. Besides, your home must be swarming with Ricks by now.

7:24 Listen, Jerry. If Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location.

7:29 You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds.

7:31 -Who wants lemonade? -Oh, yeah!

7:34 -Mm... Oh! Delicious! -Beth, [burps] you're a treasure.

7:39 I have a Beth just like you in my reality,

7:41 except she's not as brilliant or attractive.

7:45 [flattered] Aw! [burps] Thank you!

7:47 [all cheer] Whoa! She did it!

7:56 -[Rick] Jerry, it's Rick. -Rick! Hey! What's up?

8:00 Listen, the heat's on and there's nowhere left to turn,

8:03 so Morty and I are gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole.

8:07 -What? Rick! No! [yells] Morty! -We got it! The call's coming from...

8:11 inside the house! [Ricks laugh] You dummy! Look at his face!

8:15 -I can't believe our daughter married you. -Too easy!

8:19 The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry,

8:23 but as soon as they get bored, they'll be on to us.

8:25 Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else?

8:28 -More phone sticks please. -Right away, sir.

8:31 When I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought: "Gee, that kind of devalues our bo
nd."

8:36 But our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

8:41 It's got to be that way. You're our camouflage.

8:44 Camouflage? What are you talking about, Rick?

8:47 Ricks have a very distinctive brainwave due to our genius.

8:50 Standing near someone with complimentary brainwaves makes ours invisible.

8:55 See? When a Rick is with a Morty, the genius waves get cancelled out by the, uh...

9:03 Because... our personalities are so different?

9:07 Oh shit, dog! My portal gun was hacked remotely.

9:11 Obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on, let'
s go!
9:16 We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location.

9:20 They look exactly like us, so to avoid confusion, I'm going to mark us each with a red "X"
.

9:25 So if we both tell you to shoot the other one because they're the evil one,

9:29 -you'll know who's lying. -Check it out!

9:33 Damn it!

9:37 -Hey, you didn't pay your bill! -[irritated] The red X! Red X!

9:41 It's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your shirt in stock.

9:45 I heard you the first time, you don't have to keep saying it.

9:48 This place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found.

9:52 If he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Morty to hide?

9:55 Isn't that what we are, human cloaking devices? You're making a bigger deal out of this t
han it is.

10:02 Oh my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building!

10:06 Not people, Morty. Mortys!

10:17 Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

10:19 One Morty can hide you from the bureaucrats, but a whole matrix of Mortys in agonizing
pain

10:24 creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks.

10:28 [Rick] I fiddled with a [burps] concept like this once.

10:31 On paper, Morty! On paper! I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill.

10:36 I mean, you could accomplish the same with like five Mortys and a jumper cable.

10:41 Which I also wouldn't do. I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship.

10:46 -[Beth] Coffee time! -Yoy yoy! That's what I like to hear!

10:52 -Hi, Jerry. -Leave me alone, I'm working.

10:55 -Oh, you are? What do you do? -I'm in between advertising jobs.

11:00 Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figurin' out what to buy and then you help them
?

11:05 It's a little more complicated than that.

11:08 Well I mean, you do it and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.

11:15 Dude, are you... You're being a dick, right?

11:17 Oh, gosh, I hope not! I wouldn't want to offend you in any way.

11:22 -You're really a Rick? -[laughs] Of course I am.

11:25 Just as much as my Morty's a Morty!

11:27 He looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie Mask. You know, the one with Cher in it.

11:33 That's right. He's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz Mask people.

11:37 He's Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of
my own.

11:43 but if I did, I'd love 'em if they were as smart and as successful as you are.

11:47 Hey, get a load of this. Jerry's hanging out with Doofus Rick. This is perfect!

11:52 I'm not Doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7!

11:55 Is that the timeline where people eat poop? You know this guy eats poop?

11:59 Hey, I don't eat poop! You guys are always so mean to me!

12:05 I guess it's only fair to tell you now, I'm the worst Rick of them all.

12:10 According to who? Other versions of you?

12:12 If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you gotta stop listening
to yourself.

12:17 Wow, you really are wise, Jerry. I guess that's why you work in advertising!

12:22 The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick of them all.
12:26 You don't care about me at all! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Or your stu
pid portal gun!

12:32 I'm just a tool! I'm just an object!

12:34 It's your choice to take it personally,

12:36 but now be quiet. The point of this is to get the drop on the guy.

12:40 I'll tell you something. I'm more than a human shield!

12:43 Yeah, you are. You're a perfect impenetrable suit of human armor,

12:47 because you're as dumb as I am smart.

12:49 Which is why, when I say shut up, it's really good advice!

12:55 Great. Nice work, Morty.

13:09 Oh, look at you, C-137. You, aren't you a tough customer.

13:13 The slow clap? Really? Kinda played out, dude.

13:16 Not in this dimension it isn't. In fact, I invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here
before.

13:22 -Well, la-di-da. -Hey! That's mine.

13:29 I don't like the look of that Rick. We gotta escape.

13:31 -I'm not gonna help you. You're a monster. -Don't be rick-diculous, Morty.

13:36 -Stop saying that. It's stupid. -Take his Morty away.

13:39 -[coldly] Come with me. -Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

13:44 You seem to know how this place works.

13:46 Is there any way to shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside?

13:49 It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick.

13:54 In here. [moaning]

14:04 Ah, isn't it beautiful?

14:06 Yeah, it looks like pay day at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!

14:11 -That guy got it. -Rick, quiet. You're missing my symphony.

14:18 Hey, I'll take it over Mumford and Sons. Zip! [spider laughs]

14:21 -This guy is on it! -He's not laughing at your dumb jokes.

14:25 That's just a random noise it makes every ten seconds.

14:28 [spider laughs] Aw!

14:30 Ya see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

14:33 I wanted you to find me. We're not so [burps] different...

14:36 Yeah, duh.

14:38 Ya see this right here, Rick?

14:40 I crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks,

14:43 I listed 'em out from most evil to least evil.

14:46 Here's where I am, and look at right here's where you are, Rick.

14:50 This guy right here: super weird.

14:52 So you want me to team up with you to take down the Council of Ricks, right?

14:57 -That's where I'd be going. -I think I'm doing pretty good on my own.

15:01 I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

15:06 If we add a little more titanium nitrate and just a tad of chlorified tartrate...

15:13 Oven-less brownies!

15:17 It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order.

15:21 Well, come on, I can't take all the credit Jerry. It was your idea! Come here, Jerry.

15:30 Hey, come here. I want to show you something.

15:35 Look, everybody makes fun of me, but you're a genius scientist. What do you think?

15:40 There's little R2D2s where the George Washingtons should be!

15:43 I'm not going to tell you

15:45 that these will increase in value, or even hold their current value.

15:49 The truth is, you bought 'em because you like 'em.

15:51 They have value to you. That's what matters.

15:57 -[sobs] How long are you staying? -Until we find your Rick.

16:00 I found mine. I found mine.

16:06 -Help! -There is no escape, my son.

16:09 We will find our peace in the next world.

16:11 So, what, you're just gonna give up?

16:14 We're giving in. To the power of the one true Morty!

16:17 -One day he will return. -[in unison] Praise the one true Morty!

16:24 Alright, Mortys, listen up!

16:27 My name is Morty Smith, from Earth Dimension C-137.

16:30 I know you're scared, me too, but that's no reason to accept our fate!

16:35 We're Mortys! We're not defined by our relationships to Rick.

16:39 Our destiny is our own.

16:41 This sounds like something the one true Morty might say.

16:44 I'm sick of being a human shield. I wanna be a gardener!

16:48 I want to write really crazy, intense action novels!

16:51 -I'm more than just a hammer! -He is the one true Morty!

16:55 -The one true Morty! [all cheer] -Hey, keep it down.
17:09 You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a shame you're not gonna be around to see it through.

17:22 -You're crying? Over a Morty? -No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

17:27 Ugh, pathetic.

17:28 We both know that if there's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mor
tys.

17:37 Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! [yells] Do it!

17:42 Morty! Thank God! Get me out of this. Come on!

17:47 You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

17:48 Point taken but this is no time for arcs.

18:00 -Hello? -What do me and O.J. not have in common?

18:03 Huh? Who is this?

18:04 I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

18:10 Yo, ding dong, we're done here, time to go.

18:13 Well, Jerry, [burps] I guess this means good bye.

18:17 Does it have to? You look just like Rick.

18:21 We could maybe, you know, get rid of him.

18:23 I'm not saying kill him necessarily,

18:26 I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but--

18:28 Jerry, we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives.

18:34 I love ya, Jerry. I love ya.

18:59 -What's gonna happen to all these Mortys? -They'll go back to their families,

19:03 attend school regularly,

19:05 play video games, date girls...

19:08 Poor little Rickless bastards.

19:11 [Rick councilor] Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation.

19:16 And, in the way of reparations [burps] for our terrible mistake,

19:20 we would like to compensate you

19:21 with this voucher for a free, replacement Morty

19:24 in the event that your current Morty should--

19:27 Uh, guys? Not a good time.

19:29 Come on, Morty, let's hit it.

19:33 Is it time for arcs, yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking devic
e.

19:39 -Saved your ass. -Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

19:42 Man, I can't believe you!

19:44 That was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, to connect with me a little.

19:49 You want connection, go be part of some stupid club

19:52 like all those dumb Ricks.

19:53 Maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick there is.

19:56 And, you know... It would [burps] go without saying

19:59 that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortiest Morty.

20:02 -It would go without saying, huh? -Yeah, did you hear me say it?

20:06 Nah. The Mortiest Morty...

20:09 Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown.

20:11 A cocky Morty can be a real bad thing for everybody.

20:15 Oh yeah, how's that?

20:17 I'll explain when you're older.

20:21 -What a mess. -Pride cometh before the fall.

20:24 -I guess he got what he deserved. -What is that?

20:28 -Hand me the laser defibrillator. -Hey, guys, can I help?

20:32 No. Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds.

20:35 You make us ashamed to be ourselves.

20:39 My God! I've seen this technology before.

20:43 This Rick was being controlled remotely. Puppeteered by somebody else.

20:47 -This is the receiver. -Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

21:42 -What are you doing in my room, buddy? -Nothing.

21:45 I was just... checking the smoke detectors.

21:49 Alright. Okay. Get out.

22:13 What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him?

22:16 You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh my God, this is rich!

22:20 I've got like, ten Ricks to call right now.

Rick y Morty E11 Es hora de la fiesta

Time Subtitle

6s -Bye, mom! Bye, dad! -Drive carefully! Have fun, you two.

8s Yes, we will have as much fun as possible

11s on our... Titanic-themed getaway.

14s Let's lose the 'tude, please, it's supposed to be romantic.

17s Speaking of disasters, dad, we are leaving you in charge.

20s Can we wrap this up? Morty and I have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the
arage.

24s Hey, don't blow me off, I am drawing a line. Okay?

28s Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and...
32s no more adventures with Morty.

34s If my mom's the one who's saying it, then you know it's pretty serious this time.

38s -That's right. -Wait, what?

40s Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine.

44s If not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that song...

48s ♪ Blomp blomp-a noop noop a-noop noop noop ♪

51s You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts?

53s You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the 50s?

57s Nobody?

59s Alright, whatever. Look, who cares. Just go on your stupid trip.

1:02 Not one thing out of place.

1:08 Not a single thing.

1:21 Well, we're past the point of no return, I'm going to have a party.

1:57 I found Jell-O. Can you sneak your mom's vodka?

1:59 Yes, she does, I saw it in your laundry room.

2:02 Listen, you can't both be in denial about it. Okay, bye.

2:05 Summer, you can't throw a party! Remember what mom said?

2:08 If anything gets messed up, you and grandpa Rick get punished.

2:11 I'm only a human being.

2:13 Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party!

2:15 -You can't have a party. -[scoffs] Ugh!

2:17 Because [burps] I'm having a party, bitch!

2:20 What? Rick, you can't!

2:21 What do you mean you're having a party?

2:24 Are some glip glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards?

2:28 You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that.

2:31 -Is that like their N-Word? -It's like the N-word and the C-word

2:33 had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

2:36 I think we could just have a nice time,

2:39 like just hanging out, and doing a little bonding--

2:41 Screw that! This is my chance to gain some footing with the cool kids.

2:45 That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17.

2:47 -Why do you party? -To get [burps] wriggedy wrecked, son!

2:52 Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

2:55 Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my canapés.

3:00 After dinner, Titanic 2 will attach to the rail system near our replica iceberg,

3:04 and the hydraulics encased in these

3:06 will execute a controlled sink into the icy depths.

3:09 A rail system seems archaic for an attraction this impressive.

3:13 -Are you sure the ship will sink? -I can assure you the ship will sink

3:17 as it has a thousand times before. It is un-unsinkable.

3:22 Look, it's the line for the bow!

3:25 Jerry, I'd love to just kick back with a Margarita and read.

3:28 Do you mind if I skip the whole "King of the World" bit?

3:31 Well, it's not that bit, that's Jack and Fabrizio.

3:34 This is where Rose says: "I'm flying, Jack!"

3:36 But whatever, I can be the only one to do it alone.

3:39 Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line

3:43 -I... could get into trouble. -We won't tell.

3:48 So... you're a Titanic fanatic?

3:50 Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened but I've never been able to participate.

3:55 Happy to help, Rose. [she giggles]

3:59 I love watching bukkake. I don't know if I personally would ever do it...

4:02 -Brad! Hey! -Yo.

4:04 Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk!

4:07 Check it out! Tammy's already drunk. Cool.

4:13 The beacon was activated, who is in danger?

4:15 -[sighs] Grandpa! -Birdperson!

4:18 -I am pleased there is no emergency. -There's an emergency alright.

4:22 A [censor beep] emergency. When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers?

4:25 It has been a challenging mating season for Birdperson.

4:29 Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight. Go have some fun out there, Birdperso
n.

4:33 Oh, man! How many people did you invite, Rick?

4:36 Uh... people?

4:37 Six.

4:40 -Yo, what up, my glip glops! -Oh, man!

4:48 You know there's a garbage, right?

4:53 Hey... What the hell?

4:54 That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same part
 y.

5:02 Oh, Go--, oh! that's disgusting, you guys are in my parents' bed!

5:06 Oh, sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.

5:14 Oh my god, are you kidding me?

5:16 The thing people don't realize about the Gear Wars

5:20 is that it was never really about the gears at all.

5:23 -Yeah. No, totally. -Rick! You gotta stop--

5:26 -Morty! Have you met Gearhead? -Hey how's--

5:28 Morty would love to hear all about the Gear Wars.

5:31 How familiar are you with the Gear Wars exactly?

5:35 -Uh... Not at all. -Oh, boy! I envy you.

5:39 Okay, it was about 754 years ago...

5:49 Hey, Morty! Have you met my buddy Scropon?

5:52 Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes,

5:55 and meanwhile, the house is being destroyed!

5:57 This guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

6:01 -Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro! -Aw! Squanchy!

6:04 Is there a good place for me to squanch around here?

6:07 You can squanch wherever you want, man.

6:09 -Mi casa es su casa, dog. -Alright! I like your squanch!

6:14 Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?

6:16 Morty, we've had many really cool adventures over the last year,

6:20 but it's time to relax.

6:21 If I relax now, there might not even be any more adventures.

6:24 Jesus, you're bumming me out!

6:26 Can't we pretend everything's fine for a few hours,

6:28 enjoy ourselves, and worry about all this later?

6:31 That's easy for you to say, Rick!

6:33 You like not caring about stuff, you know, what's in this for me?

6:44 [distorted voice] Jessica...

6:47 Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

6:49 [laughs] Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro.

6:55 I can't believe she's here. What are you doing standing here? Go! Talk to her!

7:00 Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.

7:11 -Is that what I think it is? -Yes.

7:13 Every couple gets to recreate Jack's drowning. It's so romantic.

7:17 -I can't wait to do that with Beth. -I don't know, Jerry.

7:21 With all due respect, it seems like your wife may not be interested...

7:24 [gasps] Look!

7:25 [captain on loudspeaker] Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.

7:31 -Uh, sir? There's not a problem. -What do you mean, there's not a problem?

7:36 The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course.

7:39 This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg.

7:43 -Well, do something! Steer into it! -[yells] I'm trying!

7:49 It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves.

7:55 -[Jerry] No! What happened? -[Lucy] The rail system must have failed. -We're not
 onna sink! -What are we going to do?

8:02 Gonna get laid tonight.

8:04 -I like your feathers. -They are designed

8:07 -to attract the attention of the female. -It's working.

8:09 Tammy, I should let you know, I just got out of a highly intense soul bond

8:13 with my previous spirit mate.

8:15 I'm not looking to get into a soul bond. I'm just looking for...

8:20 I believe Birdperson can arrange that.

8:23 Summer! Haven't seen you at flute practice in a while.

8:25 Summer, don't tell me you're friends with her?

8:28 Are you kidding me? I don't even know why she's here.

8:31 Whoa, not cool, Summer. This is a party, everybody should be welcome.

8:37 -Great... Who invited Abradolf Lincler? -I thought everyone was welcome.

8:41 It's not the same, Summer. Lincler's a crazed maniac.

8:44 Just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super leader

8:48 combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.

8:51 Turns out it [burps] just adds up to a lame weird loser.

8:54 Rick! You brought me into this world.

8:57 A suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being!

9:02 But I shall finally know peace [yells] when I watch the life drain from your wretched
body.

9:07 -Whoa! What's up, man? -I have no quarrel with you, boy.

9:09 "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean?

9:11 It's just... look, I don't know how you thought I meant it, but...
9:15 Don't look at me, dude.

9:17 Look, I'm half Abraham Lincoln, so...

9:20 I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?

9:22 Well, no, but, you know...

9:25 What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?

9:28 -Leave him alone. -Stay out of this, Jessica!

9:30 -Kick his ass, Brad! -[crowd chants] Kick his ass!

9:36 -Brad! -Kick his ass!

9:40 -Rick! -I just did you a favor, Morty.

9:44 Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends.

9:48 Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is.

9:52 I just want to find somebody nice and sweet.

9:55 Jessica, can I show you something?

10:00 Wow! Look at all this stuff!

10:02 Yeah, this is me and my grandpa's sci-fi workshop. Check this out.

10:09 It's beautiful.

10:10 You know, there's something I've always wanted to tell you.

10:14 -What's that, Morty? -I think that you're the most--

10:17 No, that! Those weird sounds coming from the closet over there.

10:27 -Oh my god! -Hey! I'm squanching in here!

10:29 Oh, my God, I'm... That is so disgusting! Ow!

10:32 Oh, crap!

10:52 Huh, big star in the sky. [inhales]

10:55 Oxygen-rich atmosphere.

10:57 Giant testicle monsters.

10:58 We'll be fine. Let's party!

11:00 [yells] Paaaaarty!

11:13 I swear to God, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's having a blast in there, I wo
uld be so furious with you right now.

11:19 You hear that, Morty? You really lucked out with Summer on that one.

11:23 How are you guys not freaking out? The whole house is sitting in another dimensio
n!

11:27 What the hell are we supposed to do? Mom and dad will kill us! I'm losing it!

11:32 Relax, Morty, relax. It's gonna be fine.

11:36 All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals.

11:40 Oh, shit, [censor beep]!

11:42 Kalaxian Crystals, Morty! Just a few miles south of here!

11:45 Okay, let's go then. We gotta go get those crystals right now.

11:49 Whoa, Morty! I can't go with you.

11:51 I gotta hang back and make sure everything stays cool here.

11:54 Who knows? What if somebody breaks something.

11:57 Yeah, me too. I should stay.

11:59 -You guys have any aspirin? -Oh, hey! This is perfect!

12:02 -You can take Lincler with you! -I'm not going anywhere, I'm injured.

12:06 Shut up, Lincler. It's the least you can do for wrecking the living room.

12:10 -Yeah, and Nancy, you should go too! -What? Why me?
12:14 Because... uh... you're so good at playing the flute!

12:22 [captain] Sorry for the inconvenience, we should resume sinking shortly.

12:26 In the meantime, please stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate

12:29 of James Cameronion rings.

12:31 Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall's been broken.

12:35 [sighs] I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book.

12:38 -You should find that Lucy woman. -But, but...

12:41 [clears throat] You see, Jerry? May I show you something?

12:45 Had everything gone as planned, this entire area would be underwater.

12:49 [sighs] I'd have liked to see it. This trip has been a titanic failure. Get it?

12:55 -Draw me, Jerry. -Oh, boy. Lucy... wow!

12:59 This isn't what I had in mind.

13:02 But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years!

13:06 Um... not like this. Not with you.

13:09 You are gonna draw me! Then, you're going to [censor beep] me in that car over
ere.

13:15 It's weird cause I definitely think that all men are created equal,

13:19 -but at the same time... -The crystals should be really close.

13:24 There they are!

13:26 Wait! Something's not right.

13:32 Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast.

13:34 Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes.

13:40 Summer's gonna like me again!

13:48 -Lincler, come on, let's get outta here! -Mein journey is over, Morty.
13:53 I have something important to tell you...

13:58 [jester music] ♪ And the gears they turned for a thousand years ♪

14:01 ♪ Until the dark day that they stopped ♪

14:06 -Rick, I got 'em! I got the crystals! -Alright! You did it, Morty!

14:10 Wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincler

14:14 He said that he was sorry and that he loves you like a father.

14:17 He only wanted you to accept him and hopes that his final act would redeem him

14:21 He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died.

14:25 Well at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals.

14:31 And these babies just saved this lame ass party! Wubba lubba dub dub!

14:35 Somebody play something.

14:37 Wait a minute, what?

14:42 ♪ Put your right foot forward and your left foot back ♪

14:45 ♪ Then slide around like on a Nordic track ♪

14:48 ♪ Move to the left, step to the right ♪

14:50 ♪ Wiggle your elbows and look up into the light ♪

14:54 [singers] ♪ It's the, it's the, it's the Rick Dance ♪

15:02 Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

15:13 That's the Rick dance!

15:17 -[laughs] Whoa! Oh, man! -What the hell was that?

15:20 I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home!

15:23 What? No. I can get us home whenever I want to. Speaking of those crystals... can
 I get the rest?

15:28 I'm starting to come down.

15:30 Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong but fleeting high.

15:35 -That's what I think of your crystals! -Aw, Morty, you idiot!

15:38 Does anybody else have any more KLax?

15:41 -Birdperson? Squanchy? -Don't squanch at me.

15:44 Alright everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home. Now!

15:48 Alright, fine, Morty. You party pooper buzzkill.

15:51 -Boooo, booo! Morty sucks! -You suck, whatever your name is.

15:55 [Rick] You're the worst, Morty.

15:57 But these gears just started turnin'!

15:59 Almost finished, Jerry?

16:02 Almost! I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes.

16:06 I'm sure it's good enough. Move!

16:08 Every weekend Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car,

16:12 and I have to mop it up.

16:14 The floor drops out to make it easier.

16:17 But now it's my turn. We're going to get it nice and steamy in there.

16:22 And I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint

16:26 and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean.

16:32 Beth!

16:33 Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.

16:37 [Beth] I can't help but feel a little guilty. I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist.
16:42 What does a rapist look like exactly?

16:44 Is it a Slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard

16:47 and the scent of cheap champagne wafting over his blister pocked lips?

16:51 What?

16:53 At least you got all this free stuff.

16:56 Should be enough to satisfy your Titanic jones for a while.

17:00 I'm not going to fit. Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna
go on--

17:06 -Jerry, just leave the door. -It's not a door. It's debris.

17:09 -I don't care, just leave it. -Yeah, okay.

17:18 [cackles] Cape Fear!

17:22 Cape Fear! I'm going to do like from Cape Fear!

17:36 [Squanchy] Hey, squanchers! The party's squanchin' on at my place!

17:41 Cool! I'm comin' too!

17:43 Um... no. You're not squanchy enough for a squanchy party.

17:46 -What? -Nancy told us what a bitch you are.

17:49 Guys? Seriously? Nancy?

17:50 Summer, you're a bad person.

17:52 All you care about is having popular people like you.

17:55 That's not what Abradolf Lincler stood for. Well, it was hard to pin down

17:59 what he stood for, but it's certainly not what he died for.

18:06 Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked.

18:10 You're so wise.

18:13 -May I assist you with that? -Uh, sure, yeah, thanks.
18:16 Morty, do you know what "Wubba lubba dub dub" means?

18:20 -It's Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. -It's not nonsense at all.

18:24 In my people's tongue it means:

18:26 "I am in great pain. Please help me."

18:28 Well, I got news for ya, he's saying it ironically.

18:31 No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain.

18:35 [Rick snores] That is why he must numb himself.

18:37 -Come on, um... -Birdperson.

18:39 Come on, Birdperson.

18:40 Rick's not that complicated. He's just a huge asshole.

18:43 Then why do you care if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures
?

18:48 It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forev
er.

18:53 You're right. I shouldn't even care.

18:55 This is the best thing that could've happened to me.

18:57 I'm sick of having adventures with Rick.

18:59 My people have another saying: "Gubba nub nub doo rah kah."

19:02 It means: "Whatever lets you sleep at night."

19:06 Guys, mom and dad are like, right around the corner.

19:09 This is your moment, Morty. Choose wisely.

19:12 Tammy!

19:19 [Rick snores] Wow, we are so screwed.

19:23 -Rick, wake up! -Wait? What--?

19:25 Rick, you gotta do something quick. My parents are home!

19:29 Alright. Hold on.

19:33 Oh, my God! They're walking up the driveway!

19:35 -Bring me the thing. -What thing?

19:37 The thing, the thing! It's got like buttons on it and lights and it beeps.

19:42 -That describes everything in your garage! -Do you mean this?

19:45 Summer [burps] for the win.

19:49 That should do it.

19:50 -Whoa, what did you do? -See for yourself.

19:55 Yeah, everything's frozen in time. And Slow Mobius thinks he's all that.

20:00 -For how long? -I dunno.

20:01 How long do you guys want? A week? A month?

20:04 Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel?

20:31 -Worst movie ever. -Dumb.

20:32 Oh, boy, what a waste of time! [all laugh]

20:35 Get it? You know, cause it's frozen.

20:37 This has been so much fun.

20:39 Hey, Rick, you know, this whole time

20:41 I haven't once heard you say that "Wubba lubba dub dub" thing?

20:45 Don't need to. [burps] I have a new catch phrase.

20:48 -Oh, yeah? What's that, Rick? -I love my grandkids.

20:51 Psych, just kidding! My new catchphrase is "I don't give a [censor beep]!"
21:02 Roll credits!

21:04 Roll the credits, go!

21:06 That's the end of season one! That's the end, [censor beep]!

21:10 "I don't give a [censor beep]" is my new catchphrase! [censor beep] you!

21:13 That's season one! Boom!

21:15 Season one up in your face, [censor beep]! Yeah!

21:53 Revenge... What--?

21:59 [party kid] Party!

22:04 [Lincler] Oh, please! Stop!

22:07 -Hey, bro! -I don't understand.

22:10 Are you enjoying this? Do you like this?

22:12 [kid] Yeah, you know it, dawg!