The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were

employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting
and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The given bar charts illustrate the proportion of both genders aged 60 to 64 working in four
nations, namely Indonesia, Japan, USA, and Belgium in two years 1970 and 2000.

From an overall perspective, The percentage of people were employed in four countries
witnessed a downward trend at the two genders in the surveyed period.

More specifically, in 1970, the proportion of male workers both comprise in the USA and
Indonesia were highest, at roughly 84%, while the data on Belgium, Japan, and female
workers comprise the lower share, approximately 78%. Conversely, the figures for woman
employees in Belgium and Indonesia stayed at about 65%, and that of Japan was lowest, at
56%.

In the following year, there was a slight decrease in the percentage of men who were
employed in Indonesia and the USA, at 74% and 78% respectively. While the data on Japan
and Belgium witnessed a substantial dip to 63% and 72% in the given order. Regarding the
percentage of female workers, the figures for Japan, the USA, and Indonesia fell to roughly
47%. Belgium, however, experienced a significant decrease to 8% in 2000.

Sửa lỗi ngữ pháp nâng cao

Error: "The given bar charts illustrate the proportion of both genders aged 60 to 64 working
in four nations, namely Indonesia, Japan, USA, and Belgium in two years 1970 and 2000."
Correction: "The given bar charts illustrate the proportion of both genders aged 60 to 64
working in four nations, namely Indonesia, Japan, the USA, and Belgium in the years 1970
and 2000." Explanation: "Two years" should be preceded by "the" to make it clear that the
years are specific and known. Additionally, "USA" should be preceded by "the" for
grammatical correctness.

Error: "From an overall perspective, the percentage of people were employed in four
countries witnessed a downward trend at the two genders in the surveyed period."
Correction: "From an overall perspective, the percentage of people employed in four
countries witnessed a downward trend in both genders during the surveyed period."
Explanation: The verb "were" should be removed because it creates a subject-verb
agreement error. Also, "at the two genders" is awkward; it's clearer to say "in both genders."

Error: "More specifically, in 1970, the proportion of male workers both comprise in the USA
and Indonesia were highest, at roughly 84%, while the data on Belgium, Japan, and female
workers comprise the lower share, approximately 78%." Correction: "More specifically, in
1970, the proportion of male workers comprised the highest in both the USA and Indonesia,
at roughly 84%, while the data on Belgium, Japan, and female workers comprised the lower
share, approximately 78%." Explanation: "Both comprise" is incorrect; instead, "comprised
the highest" should be used. Also, "comprise" should be in the past tense to maintain
consistency with the tense used throughout the sentence.

Error: "Conversely, the figures for woman employees in Belgium and Indonesia stayed at
about 65%, and that of Japan was lowest, at 56%." Correction: "Conversely, the figures for
female employees in Belgium and Indonesia stayed at about 65%, while that of Japan was
the lowest, at 56%." Explanation: "Woman employees" should be changed to "female
employees" for correct pluralization and to match the adjective "female." Also, "was lowest"
should be used instead of "was lowest, at" for clarity and to maintain parallelism with the
preceding clauses.

Error: "In the following year, there was a slight decrease in the percentage of men who were
employed in Indonesia and the USA, at 74% and 78% respectively." Correction: "In the
following year, there was a slight decrease in the percentage of men who were employed in
Indonesia and the USA, to 74% and 78%, respectively." Explanation: "At" should be
replaced with "to" to indicate the decrease in percentages. Additionally, adding commas after
"74%" and "78%" helps clarify the list structure and maintain parallelism.

Error: "While the data on Japan and Belgium witnessed a substantial dip to 63% and 72% in
the given order." Correction: "While the data on Japan and Belgium witnessed a substantial
dip to 63% and 72%, respectively, in the given order." Explanation: Adding "respectively"
clarifies that the percentages correspond to Japan and Belgium, respectively. Also, a comma
should be added after "72%" for proper punctuation and clarity.

Error: "Regarding the percentage of female workers, the figures for Japan, the USA, and
Indonesia fell to roughly 47%." Correction: "Regarding the percentage of female workers,
the figures for Japan, the USA, and Indonesia fell to roughly 47% each." Explanation:
Adding "each" clarifies that the percentage applies to each of the mentioned countries,
maintaining parallelism within the sentence.

Error: "Belgium, however, experienced a significant decrease to 8% in 2000." Correction:

"However, Belgium experienced a significant decrease to 8% in 2000." Explanation: The
placement of "however" at the beginning of the sentence provides smoother flow and better
readability. Additionally, removing the comma after "Belgium" improves sentence structure.

Task Achievement
[ Band Score: 6.0 Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the
task by summarizing the main features of the data presented in the bar charts. It provides an
overview of the trends observed in the percentage of employed men and women aged 60-64
in four countries over the years 1970 and 2000. Key features such as the highest and lowest
percentages of employment for each gender in each country are highlighted. However, some
details may be inaccurate or lacking clarity, such as the percentages mentioned for Belgium
in 2000, which seem improbable (8%). Additionally, the essay could benefit from more
comprehensive development of ideas and a clearer structure. How to improve: Ensure
accuracy in data interpretation and presentation. Provide a clearer structure to the essay,
perhaps by organizing information into distinct paragraphs for each country or year. Extend
the analysis to provide more depth and insight into the trends observed in the data. Consider
revising sentences for clarity and coherence. ]

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score: 6.0 Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a
clear overall progression. It effectively uses cohesive devices, though there are instances of
faulty cohesion within and/or between sentences. The essay presents a central topic within
each paragraph, providing a logical organization. However, there are areas where
referencing could be clearer and more appropriate. Paragraphing is used, but not always
logically. How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on ensuring that
transitions between sentences and ideas are smoother and more natural. Work on making
references clearer and more precise, ensuring that they logically connect ideas within the
essay. Additionally, pay attention to the logical progression of paragraphs to enhance overall
coherence.

Lexical Resource
Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility
and precision. The writer utilizes vocabulary related to demographics ("proportion," "gender,"
"percentage") and employment ("employed," "workers," "employed") effectively. There is
also an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "comprise" and "witnessed,"
contributing to the variety of lexical items. Additionally, the essay shows awareness of style
and collocation, evident in phrases like "from an overall perspective," "witnessed a
downward trend," and "the figures for woman employees."

However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, as seen in phrases like
"the percentage of people were employed," which should be "the percentage of people who
were employed," and "conversely, the figures for woman employees," where "woman"
should be plural, "women." These errors slightly hinder the precision of expression.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, focus on maintaining consistent accuracy in

word choice and collocation. Proofreading for grammatical accuracy and ensuring that nouns
and verbs agree in number would enhance the overall lexical quality. Additionally,
incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, particularly in describing trends and making
comparisons, can further elevate the lexical sophistication of the essay.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay makes use of both simple and complex sentence structures,
aligning with the criteria for a Band 6 score. The author attempts to create complex
sentences to describe data trends and comparisons, which is commendable. However, there
are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that occasionally hinder clarity but
do not generally obstruct overall communication. Examples include the phrases "the
percentage of people were employed" and "the proportion of male workers both comprise in
the USA and Indonesia were highest," which demonstrate issues with subject-verb
agreement and sentence structure. The grammatical mistakes are present but they do not
drastically reduce the reader's ability to understand the essay, fulfilling the criteria for Band 6
where errors exist but rarely reduce communication.

How to improve: To advance to a higher band, the author should focus on improving
grammatical accuracy by ensuring proper subject-verb agreement and sentence
construction. Practicing complex sentence structures in controlled exercises can help solidify
understanding and usage. It would also be beneficial to review and apply grammatical rules
more consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, seeking feedback on written work and
engaging in revision practices could further enhance grammatical range and accuracy,
leading to more consistently error-free sentences typical of higher band scores.
Bài chữa tham khảo
The provided bar charts depict the employment rates of individuals aged 60 to 64,
categorized by gender, across four nations—Indonesia, Japan, the USA, and Belgium—in
the years 1970 and 2000.

From a broad perspective, there was a general decline in employment rates for both genders
across the surveyed nations during the specified period.

In 1970, the highest proportion of male workers was observed in the USA and Indonesia,
each at approximately 84%, whereas Belgium and Japan exhibited lower rates,
approximately 78%. Conversely, female employment rates were lowest in Japan at 56%,
followed by Belgium and Indonesia at around 65%. Notably, the USA had the highest female
employment rate at about 78%.

In the subsequent year, there was a slight decline in male employment rates in Indonesia
and the USA, dropping to 74% and 78% respectively. Conversely, Japan and Belgium
experienced more substantial decreases, with rates declining to 63% and 72% respectively.
Concerning female employment, Japan, the USA, and Indonesia saw rates fall to
approximately 47%, while Belgium experienced a significant decrease to 8% by 2000.