Whether it’s asking for a promotion, breaking up with a friend or family member, or apologizing to a

loved one, we’re confronted with tough conversations every single day.

And every single day we either confront them face-to-face or dodge them the same way we dodge
our exes on social media.

race issues, gender issues, political issues, and religious issues are touchy topics for most of us.

But tough conversations aren’t just about sex.Perhaps a project you're working on will take twice as
long as you told the client it would. Or maybe you want to tell your father how much you love him,
but fear the intimacy might make you both feel awkward. And there are even everyday life
conversations that cause us great anxiety as well. Returning merchandise without a receipt, asking
your secretary to do some photocopying, or simply telling someone to take off their shoes in your
home. These are the interactions we put off all the time, and wonder if we should say anything at all.
Perhaps the neighbor's dog keeps you up at night. You begin to wonder, should I talk to them? And
then decide that maybe the barking will stop, or that you'll get used to it.

But the next night, the barking continues, and your thoughts begin to spiral into an argument with
your neighbor. You want your neighbors to like you, but you also don't want to confront them and
make the problem worse. Luckily, there is hope. After working at the Harvard Negotiation Project,
authors Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen have found a way to make these conversations
less stressful and more productive. Through difficult conversations, you can learn how to deal with
tough problems while also treating people with decency and integrity. You'll be shown how to turn a
battle into a constructive conversation and confront difficult conversations while keeping your peace
of mind. So if you're ready to become a master communicator, keep reading.

Chapter 1. The Three Types of Conversation Often we are faced with difficult conversations that are
unpleasant.

One afternoon, Jack gets a call from his friend and sometimes client, Michael. Michael says he's in a
bind and needs to print a financial brochure by tomorrow afternoon. Jack is working on another
project at the time, but decides to help out his friend. He works late into the night printing the
brochure.

A few months later, the relationship is strained and Jack wonders what he could have done
differently to make things better.

At the end, we’ve all had these tough conversations, but there’s more to it than that.

There are three kinds of tough conversations:

the what happened conversation

the disagreement about what happened

the question of who should have seen the mistake the feelings conversation

every tough conversation involves people questioning if their feelings are wondering if we came
across as competent or incompetent, good or bad, unlovable or lovable. These conversations make
us question our identity, and we worry they will impact our self-image and self-esteem. In the
conversation between Jack and Michael, Jack is struggling with feeling incompetent, which makes
him feel less balanced. Meanwhile, Michael is wondering if he was foolish to hire Jack in the first
place. Every difficult conversation involves confronting these three conversations, so if we want to
engage successfully, we must learn how to manage each area and balance them all simultaneously.
Don't worry, it'll all be explained in the following chapters. Chapter 2. The Learning Conversation
Whether you admit it or not, our initial purpose for entering a difficult conversation is often to prove
a point,

to give them a piece of our mind, or to get them to do or be what we want. In other words, we want
to deliver a message. However, once you understand the challenges and mistakes we make in the
three conversations, you'll begin to approach difficult conversations with a new perspective. You'll
begin to appreciate the complexity of the perceptions and intentions of everyone involved. You'll
identify the joint contribution to the problem, the central role that feelings play, and what the issues
mean to each person's self-esteem and identity. Eventually, you'll find that you no longer have a
message to deliver, but information to share and questions to ask. Approaching difficult
conversations in this way means you are moving toward having a learning conversation. In other
words, a conversation in which you avoid fighting, blaming, the silencing of emotions, and the
doubting of ourselves.

The first step to a learning conversation is to listen to each other’s stories. We often think we know
the answer to the question, “What happened?” and our first instinct is to convince them that we’re
right.

While we’re doing this, we’re also asking ourselves, “How do I know what happened?”You’re
wondering why the other person doesn’t see the situation the way you do.

Instead of focusing on the other person’s irrational behavior, try to look at it from their point of view.
Remember that you and the other person are two different people who can see the same thing and
come to totally different conclusions. Did the other person consider something that you haven’t
considered? Do they know something that you don’t know? These questions help you not feel
insulted and lead you to be interested in someone else’s point of view.

Next, don’t assume the other person is trying to hurt you. For example, when your friend says, “How
are you feeling?” don’t automatically assume that he’s trying to insult you. Maybe your friend
genuinely cares about you and wants to help you.

Finally, stop judging others.

Identify each person’s role

You can’t just point the finger at the other person

What went wrong?

How did both of you contribute to the chaos?

How can we improve the what’s happened conversation?How do we address our emotions?

The learning conversation helps us to address these challenging emotions and to recognize the
power and significance of each other’s feelings, whether expressed or not.But before you can
address your emotions in difficult conversations, you must first dig deep inside yourself. Explore your
emotional footprint and determine why you react the way you do. Ask yourself questions like, How
did you learn which feelings were appropriate or inappropriate? How did you handle emotions as a
child? And think about how your friends, family, or partner reacted to your emotions. Perhaps you've
been told that you are needy after craving attention or intimacy. When you explore your emotional
footprint, you'll discover and identify your true emotions. Next, it's time to negotiate those feelings.
recognize that your feelings can change depending on your perceptions and views. So if you find that
you and your partner argue often, perhaps it's time to ask yourself about your assumptions about his
intentions.

For example, if you feel like your partner is always yelling at you for doing daily housework, ask
yourself why you feel like he's always yelling at you.

Does he think he's doing most of the work?

Is he feeling like he's doing all the work and you're doing none?

Share your thoughts, both positive and negative.

So, instead of yelling at your partner for doing daily chores, instead of saying, “I’m so mad at you”,
say, “What about the chores that are important to our relationship?”

In addition, when you do choose to speak up, avoid hyperbolic statements like “you always” or “you
never.”Most of us use a few terms to describe ourselves: “I”, “me,” “myself,” and “other.” But we also
use those terms in an absolutist way, limiting ourselves to being good or bad, kind or cruel, capable
or unable to be loved.

However, identity is never absolute, it is not a one-size-fits-all, and difficult conversations can easily
lead us to question our identity, and our next step is to protect it.

You work hard for your loved ones, for your family, and for your work.Then you get a job offer from a
rival company.

Challenge this idea.

You have been loyal to your boss for years.

You are underpaid.

You would be able to provide for your family if you took the job.

Does this mean you are still loyal to your spouse?

Complexify your identity.

Accept the following 3 things about yourself.

balance is another way to enhance the identity conversation. Instead, prepare yourself for their
response. Take some time to imagine what the conversation will be like and how they’ll react. Ask
yourself if it’s OK to cry. Decide how you’ll react if they attack your personality or motivations.
Prepare yourself for life in the next three months or 10 years.

Sometimes when you're too close to the problem or become overwhelmed by your identity, ask for
some time to think about what they've said. Even if it's just 10 minutes, give yourself time to
untangle your thoughts and weigh out all the information you have about yourself. Ask yourself, in
what ways is what they're saying true? Chapter 5. Tell the Third Story So when you begin a difficult
conversation, it's important to remember that you should never begin with your side of the story. But
why? Aren't you just sharing your perspective? The problem is that when we start with our story, we
risk thinking threatening the self-image of the other person. For example, when you tell your partner,
what you said about me to your friends upset me, can easily be misinterpreted to, you betrayed me
either accidentally or intentionally because you failed to think before you spoke.
Communicating with your partner is essential, especially about cleaning up after yourself. Instead
of saying ‘I’m angry that you’re not cleaning up after yourself’, try to frame the issue as ‘a
difference in perspective’. For instance, you could say: ‘I think that we both have our own ideas
of what ‘clean’ looks like in the living space.’’ This approach lets you voice your concerns without
judgment, which can make your partner more open to finding a resolution.

When you propose a conversation to resolve a problem or reach a common understanding, you
can play the role of an advisor. For example, you could ask, ‘Can you help me make sense of
this?’

If their first reaction is resistance, be patient and open to their point of view.

Now that you’ve started with your third story, it’s time to move on to the real discussion, where
you’ll need to spend time examining each of the three stories from each person’s point of view. This
means that once you’ve opened up a third story, the next step is to let the other person share their
point of view, and then you’ll be ready to move on and share yours.

As they share, make sure you listen and demonstrate that you understand what they are saying by
turning out our internal voice and focusing on the other person. In the end, you and your partner will
be able to work through difficult conversations and find balance and growth for the future. Chapter
6. Final Summary Oftentimes we avoid difficult conversations because we fear the other person's
reaction. However, once you understand the three conversations, you can transform each one into a
learning conversation that focuses on sharing your feelings and avoiding placing blame on one
another. When it comes to the what happened conversation, shift your perspective and recognize
that each person has their own view of the situation. Remind yourself that each person can bring his
or her strengths to help you understand one another and move forward.

Next, the feelings conversation requires you to identify your feelings and share them and recognize
that the other person's feelings are just as valid as yours. Finally, the identity conversation requires
you to abandon your previous thoughts about identity and understand that it isn't absolute, it can
change. So when someone says something that makes you question your identity, think about it and
determine if what they are saying could be true. You might find that you made a mistake and will
become confident in owning up to it. In the end, When you understand the three conversations, you
will be better prepared to have difficult talks and will learn how to have more meaningful
conversations. Thanks for listening. If you enjoyed this, please like and subscribe to The Literary
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