A Dyslexic Haiku

By Jennifer S. Wakefield
 Phases of Mental Illness
Context for People
Who Want to Learn About It
 Acknowledgements:
My Brother, Brendon
Who Convinced Me To Write This Book

And Atilla Who Made Me

Promise To Write At
Least Thirty Pages Of Stuff

Summer, Two Thousand Nineteen

Been A Few Years
Only Gotten Better

Thank You To My Support Team:

Peggy, Jennifer
For The Work You Are Doing

Thanks So Much From The Bottom:

You Kept Me Alive,
Meaning-- I Am Still Here, Now

Joyful, Countless Moments

Roaring Laughter And
Joie De Vivre Inspire

Inciting Me To Go On
Again And Again
Encouraging Me To Try
 To Those Who Shaped Me
Erased The “Im”
From Impossibility

Making “It” Possible,

My Effort In Truth
Concentrated Focus

Shameful Acts Forgiven

Less Than < What Is Great?
“Failure Is Part Of Success”

Never Let Those Actions

Define Who You Are
To Become Is Still Becoming

It Is Possible, A Dream
Materialized
Don’t Give Up, Don’t Give Up, Don’t!!

Keep Looking To Find A Way

Surprises Happen--
Quiet Miracles...
 My Struggle: Mental Illness
Since Age Twenty-One
December, Two Thousand Four
 Early Detection, Testing
Drug Use Prevention
Would It Have Been Critical?

Gross Chemical Brain Damage

Describe Possible
Long Term After-Effects

Psychoactive Drug Use Young

I Would Not Say That
Mental Illness Ruined Me

Don’t Know Differently

Choice Drastically
Altered My Life’s Course

At Times, De-Railed
Destinations Lost
Model, Actor, Beauty Queen

Psych Pre-Doctoral Fellow

Old Hats Discarded
Legally Disabled

Homeless Adventurer Free,

I Urban-Camped.
Side Effects Of Meds Are Rough
Take Meds Or End Up Homeless
Living In My Car
Anti-Homeless Laws Passed

Memorable People That

Were, When I Was There;
Malibu Librarian

Celebrity S T A L K I N G, Yes
Those Crazy Things Done
Mania In It’s Best Form

Magical Omnipotence
Perfection And Grace
Feeling Indestructible

Preverbal Trauma Infant

Child-like Belief
Neural Pathways Connect

In A Fantasy Bond
Because Real Life Too
Painfully Aware To Bear

Inner Child Stagnated

Plastic Neurons
Chemical Lobotomy
 The Realization Of
Coming Back Down To
Seeing My Doctor Again

Fringe Society Culture

Meds, Buses, Hope
Suicide Thoughts Daily

Mitigate Side Effects

All Day All Night Long
What Is Quality Of Life?

Internal Cacophony
Obsess, Obsess Much?
Delusions Won’t Quit

Medical Solutions
More Side Effects
What Is Quality of Life?

Having Quality of Life

Neuropathy Gone,
No Migraines Or Brain Fog

Preparedness Surprises
Those Bearing Witness
To The Mystery of Life
 The Silver Lining Is Here
Nowhere to Go, So
Upward Mobility Then!

Seasonal Affect Changes

Proteins Denatured
Brain Glucose Levels Are Low

Don’t Take Offense, It’s Me

Deluded Again
Fighting To Keep A Clear Mind

Struggling, Even On Meds

Changing Addictions
Thought Patterns, Distraction

Constantly Redirecting
Trying New Things
Growth Deliberates On

Friends, Parties And Having Fun

Healing Old Wounds
Reframing The Past Right Now

Giving Aid To Those In Need

Gratitude I Have
Seeing The Other Side Now
Self-Love, Self-Understanding
Self-Reflection
Self-Image, Self-Pursuit

See Yourself In Others

My Humble Mirror
Engage In Empathy

Courage When Necessary

Don’t Make Anyone
Your Higher Power

Traveling Far and Close

Harness My Own Light
Energies Intrinsic

Today, We Are Living In--

What Remarkable
Time And Space Perspective

Leave Your Mark Indelibly

Wherever You Go
By Listening To Others

Be Heard Using Metaphors

Life In A Poem
Simpler Than Writing A Book
No One Wants To Read A Book
Unedited, --I
Hate To Edit Sentences

Words, Okay. Much Shorter

Kind Of Fun To Do
Haiku, Haiku, Haiku, Hi

This Is Not Haiku

Haiku Is Five Seven Five
Not The Other Way

Oops, I’ve Just Created

New Poem Format
Seven, Fifty-Seven, Fly!

Fascinating Animals,
We, The People Are
Are Born Into The Trapping

Of Civilized Culture
Lucky to Have It?
Or Are We Victimized?

Socioeconomics
Poverty Traps Some
Technology Does Not Wait
Facebook, Instagram, Twitter
Monopolies
Why? I Might Ask? Power-Play

Tik Tok, Clock Strikes Midnight

Youtube To Get Paid
Questioning Reality

Hardships Beget Mercy

To Those Who Know It
Donate For Misfortune

Open Communication
Key for Anyone
Why Take It Away? Rights

Are Key To Perspective

Everywhere
My Own Body Is Not Mine

Power Untainted Is
Inspired And Clear
Unfettered Truth

My Words Are Not Mine At All

When I Write Them I
Just As Soon Forget Them Too

I Don’t Know Who I “Am”

Not Important
I Only Wear And Discard

Like The Consumer I Am

Hats, Shoes, Clothes
Assests Invested

Making Me Feel Beautiful

Happy And Serene
Feels So Good To Be Me

Late Nights Up On My Own

Friends Don’t See
All My Creativity

I Wonder If That’s True

For Everyone
My Job Is To Be Myself

Eyes, Heart, And Belief

Thoroughly Mindful
See the World Transforming

Liver, Lungs, Breathe

Worlds Are Transforming
 In My Microbiome

Idolized Images
The Higher The More
Difficult to Reconcile

Cannonize No One Here

We All Are Human:
Imperfect Life-Taker

Karmic Time Will Laugh As You

Cause Accident
Inopportune Moments

Will Fall Into Place As

It Was Set Up To
Sweep Underneath the Rug

Disappointment? Um,
Self-Dedication
What Is Acceptable?

Let Me Tell You A Story

About When I Was
Off Meds And Had Lost My

Way And Sense About Me

High-Strung, Paranoid
 And Imaginative

That World Consisted Of

Escape From Traffic
Not The Cars Kind You Drive

Travel By Folding Time-Space:

Surveillances
Everywhere I Would Go

Belief That I Could Combat

Evil Forces
Forced Me To Keep Going On

Homeless In Los Angeles

The Housing Crisis
Find Somewhere, Anywhere

Alone And Unhoused,

Life Adventurer
Out Of Plato’s Cave

On The Streets
I Found Me
My Own Guardian--
Warrior Version Of Myself

Eating From The Garbage

 Problem-Solving
Inside-Out Trash Bag Parka

I Wore In Malibu Rainstorm,

Huddled Under
The Shell Store Awning

Stuffed Full Of Newspaper

Insulation
Too Cold To Sleep So I Walked

Screamed Out Loud

To “Feed Me” Kindness
Of Strangers Kept Me Alive

Tearful Circumstances
My Instincts Intact
Well-Honed For Pandemic

The Fabrics Of Our Life

Easily Undone
Hard To Sew Back Together

I Went To Oregon
To Visit Grandma
Who Was Ninety-Three Years Then

My Baby Sister Was There

 Old Photographs
Recall The Memories

I Found A Quote Today That

Was About Power
Not Relinquishing Itself

Choices Made Every Day

To Keep Our Power
Or Concede When There Is More?

Who Has More Power?

Russia, U.S. Or China?
Noone Cares When You Are Losing

People Wonder What Effect

The State Of The World
Has On Me? Everything

I Am So Lucky To Be
An American
By Birth No Less, So Lucky

I Love My Home Country

What Gets People
Out of Their Comfort Zone

Walking Long Distances

 Alone By Yourself
In the Dark, Wearing Hijab

No Music In The Background

Talking To Oneself
Get To Know Who You Are Quick

Invaluable Lesson
Biggest Mistakes
Learning Life Through Repetition

Time Tests Those Who Don’t See

What It Means If
More Questions Than Reply

Gratefulness For Amity

Self-Sanity
Time Tests What I Didn’t Get

Why Life Is Inherently Hard

Thought Processes
Accepting Difficult Change

Process Change Easier Then

Obstacles Shift
Stability Not Stable

World Climates Altered

 What Is Happening
Is Always On The Move

Esoteric Rhetoric
Lies Or Truth
Who Is Hiding What, Where, When?

Why Are Things Censored?

Kids, I Understand
But Why Mature Audience?

Maybe Manure Audiences?

Critical Thinking
Where Did You Get Your Facts From?

PubMed, Science Magazine

Are You Keeping Up?
Not So Sure What’s Going On

I Am Not An Exception
Maybe The Norm
Try Not To Judge Harshly

As I Could I Would Do It
Be Every Day
Reinventing Myself

My Life, Genuinely
 State Of Being Well
Open And Flexible

True Friends Will Subsidize

Disappoints
With Levity And Grace

Bless Those People I Have Now

May I Keep Them With
On My Journeys Throughout

Am I A Careless Person?
I Have Caused Much Hurt
How Can I Avoid The Past?

I Can Forgive Myself For

Self-Sabotage
I Must Heal From The Wounds

Until Mistakes Become More

Predictable
To Unravel And Wisdom

Erupts From The Chasm

Left Behind A Mess
In Front the Future Of

My New Aspiration
 Journey Moves With
Me In My Bubble of Hope

Every Bubble Must Burst

The Key To Success
Is To Pick Yourself Up Quick

“Know Thyself” is a Greatness

Achieveable By
Self-Discipline And Study

Self-Reflection Is Over
View Of Self-Study
Procrastination Pays Off

When Finding What Makes You Tick

What Do You Do Now
To Help Yourself Grow, Grow, Grow!

Believe In Redemption
Hope Within Your Soul
Release The Universal

Ether That Resides In You

Epigenetics?
An Electromagnetism

An Action Potential
 Electrical
Microscopic Signals

All Research Is Flawed

That’s What I Was Taught
Anyway? Does it Matter

That I Can’t Make a Left Turn

Like the Model Zoo-
Lander? Is The World Flat?

Am I Crazy To Keep Open?

Even Bush Said That
“Money Trumps Peace” I See

Why Would He Lie About That?

Doesn’t Money Trump
Just About Everything In This World

Not Cash Money, But Abstract

Thought on Abundance
If I Told Myself I Have

More Than Enough I Do

My Gratitude
Encompasses My Bubble

I Float Till I Break Into

 A New Bigger Shell
Is That Karmic Growth Will

She Laugh At Me Again When

I Burst Earnestly
Onto The Next Platform I

Am Racking Up Points On The

Electromagnet
Of Karma, Fate, Destiny

If I’m Always On My Path

I Can’t Not Be—Right?
See Myself In Everything

Am I Mystery of Life
Or Mystery Meat
Karmic Time Will Laugh Again

An Ocean With No Tides

Never Existed
Or Is It Called A Lake?

Why Reframe, Reframe, Reframe?

Healthy Doubt Is Key
Question, Question, Question, Quest

When You Don’t Get What You Want

 Honor Intention
Give Benefit Of The Doubt

Observe Level Of Self-Love

You Allow Yourself
Be Open To Your Feeling

Don’t Give Up Objectives

Unless Deemed
Harmful To Self Or Other

Objections Take Precedence

In The Windows
Of Self-Determination

Face Them With Courageousness

Give Up Defensive
Trust In Mystery Of Life

You Never Know Who You Will

Become Regardless
Of What You W A N T To Become

Mystery Of Life Shapes

All In It’s Net
Electro-Ether-Magnet

Am I An Organic
 Smart-Iphone Android?
Intelligent Design

Manufactured By Mother
Nurtured By The Sun
Dance with Karmic Time In The

Mystery Of Life Becomes

Clearer Then Fuzzy Then Clear
Distant Ocean with Tides

So Introspective Today
Got A Writing Bug
Can’t Let Go Of The Thoughts

Just What I Needed to Get

Me Going Again
Who Am I Every Day?

Every Day I Become

The Poet Again
Doesn’t Have To Rhyme

Wish I Knew, Wish I Knew, Wish

Okay Not Knowing
Some Things Don’t Make Sense

Infancy Fragmented
 Broke The Mold Before
There Ever Was One To Break

I Absorb What I Admire

Reflect Back Outward
Fearful To Reveal True Self

Trying To Make Sense

That’s Why Mystery
Of Life Sounds So Good To Me

I’m Finding Thoughts Permeate

My Thinking Frequent
What Needed To Be Happy?

To Be Your Absolute Best

In Happiestness?
Wondering What Do You Want?

Youth? I’m Young Still

Age Creeps Up On You
Like A Cat Chasing A Mouse

It Pounces Before You See

It There—It’s There
That’s A Feline For You, Quick!

And I Got To Know Her Now

 Through Her Writing
I Saw The World Through Her Eyes

Unafraid Of A Cold World

She Ran Bravely
She Had Had A Good Home Once

She Knew There Was Another

She Was Cautious Too
But Not Everyone Is

Inherently Understood
Floating Through The Air
Stinging All Those She Engaged

Sometimes Good, Sometimes Not Good

She Lived Well, She Said
Not Any Better Or Worse

She Said She Lived Well And

I Think She Meant It
I Don’t Know Who She Is Though

I’ve Worn Many Hats This Life

That’s The Point, I Think
Try Everything I Can

Do Feasibly Well Because

When You Fall, You Will Learn More
In The Process Of Learning

What Will I Tell Myself When

I’m Finally Great
At Something People Adore?

Or That Is Their Perspective

Of My Behavior,
Which Changes On The Daily!

One Month And Two Days Later

Found Myself Writing
Escaped From Writing One Month

Learnt So Much In That Time Off

The Face Of Love Burnt
Into My Memory Now

Young, Perfect And Gorgeous

He Made Me Forget
Everything Else In My Life

Literally Half My Age

Knowing It Could Not Work
It Worked Until It Didn’t

People Will Talk Anyway

 Who Cares What They Think
What Matters Is The Bliss

Try To Remember The Good

Hopeful Laughter
Withdrawal Is The Killer

A Month Feels Like A Lifetime

I Chose What I Chose
And Then I Have To Own It

No Takebacks Here Anyway

This Is Real Living
Wish For The Best Everytime

No Blame, No Shame, Just Owning

How You Feel Right Now
Sometimes Choices I Make Hurt

But I Know What’s Best For Me

I Sometimes Ignore
Self-Reflection Is The Key

To Self-Love, Humility
Patience And Timing
Is Essential to Allow Growth

Trust Another’s Sadness

 Honor Their Timeline
Yours Is Your Own To Follow

Love Truth Above All Else

Anyone’s Truth
Thank And Forgive Your Mistakes

Your Teachers Of The Present

You Depend On Them
To Bring You Out Of The Past

While My Body Is Here Now

My Mind May Be Stuck
While My Triggers Are Painful

I Am Catapulted To
The Future Of Me
Since I Made It Through Then—Now

My Emotions Locked Inside

I Am A Glacier
Waiting For Climate Crisis

I Melt Releasing Vapor

There’s Not Turning Back
Once The Process Has Begun

Delicate Ecosystem Upset

 Homeostasis
Indefinite Disruption

This Is What A Trigger Is

When It Goes Away
It Leaves Destruction Behind

How Can I Clean Up The Mess Here

In My Own Body
The Answers I Am Seeking

Just Need To Find The Way To

Access The Answers
Bodily Reactions Key

Old Trauma Lies Dormant There

Like A Saber Tooth
Tiger Frozen In The Ice

If I Know Where To Look Seeking

Answers For Questions
I Will Find Something Useful

I Can Use What I Learn To Learn

To Teach Myself What
I Need To Heal My Inner

Child Who Did Not Get Her Needs

 Attended To Well
Enough to Provide Health

Sustenance, Stability
Comfort, Safety And
Sanity, Freedom, and Trust

For Herself Within Herself

Instead, She Got This-
Instability And Rage

Have To Let This All Go Then

Write It Out And Learn
Who You Really Are Inside

Listen To Another’s Pain

Feel And Hear Your Own
Deafening Screams Of Rage

Bring Me To Tears Often

Humble Mirror
Tell Me Who I Am To You

I Didn’t Know I Was So Cruel

I Chose Not To See
I Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

Bringing Back Awareness To

 My Mind That I Have
A Very Long Way To Go

I Hope I Live Long Enough

To Learn What I Hope
To Learn During This Lifetime

When I Think That I’ve Been Kind

Yet Reminded That
Pain Shared Relieves Pressure

How Can I Ignore The Truth Then?

Truth Is Someone’s Truth
Even If It’s Not My Own

Validation, Everything
Myself, Being Seen
I Can Give That To Someone

Perspective Is What Is Craved

It’s Never Enough
Realize I Am Rich

How Do I Treat Those With Less?

What Do I Stand For?
How Can I Live More Humbly?

I Don’t Like Myself Right Now

 But That Is Okay
I Think I Am A Liar

I Am This Or That Or This

Judgemental Thinking
Arrogant, Insecure

My Heart Is In The Right Place

My Mind Is So Fucked
Rage Is Still So Prevalent

Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing
Insanity
Weakness, Insecurity

Insatiable Chasms
Flaws That I Can Heal?
What Did I Learn Unhoused?

Best Thing That Ever Happened

Learnt Empathy
Because I Was A Foster

Child When I was Very

Very, Very Young
One Month Old Is Very Young

Insatiable Jealousy
 Stemmed From Infancy
As And Adult So Much Hurt

Pre-verbal Trauma Is So
Debilitating
Attachment Is So Crucial

Pre-Verbal Trauma Is Such

Excruciating
Emotional Pain To Explain

With Words, But Just Imagine

A Newborn Baby
Taken Away From Mother

Crying Unconsolably
She Can’t Conceive
Herself, An Adult Raging

She Can’t Explain What

Happened To Baby
Because She Was So Unloved

She Never Got All The Love

Wired In From Go!
Faulty Connections Got Made

Like Spilling Coffee On Your

 New Laptop Keyboard
Damage Done To The Hardware

Forever Changed The Mother

Board, But It Still Works
Or So She Said And Believed...
“ Cause If I told the truth then I’ll always be free” lyrics from The Mother We
Share by Chvrches, 2012

A Dyslexic Haiku:
Continued:
 How the Future Came To Be
It Crashed Through Today
Twenty Twenty Would Be Big

We Were All Stuck In A Ward

It Was a New Year
We Got Ice Cream For Dessert

I Said This is Luxury

No Matter What This
Seems Like-- We are Living In

American Luxury
Sorry; United
States Is Not “America”

I Have Never Been to South

Only Born Here In
North American Freedom

I Want to Type What I Wrote

In That Hospital
Del Amo That Hospital

“The Horrors Here Are Endless

The Hospital Is
 Supposed to Make One Better

Instead It Is A Jail For

Those Who Think Outside
Outside Of Society

Or On The Brink Of The Cusp

Of Something So Great
The World Is Not Ready For

The Power Within These Walls

Pain Is Horrific
Emotional Pain That Is

Switching From Pen To Pencil

Writing Difficult
Taking All Meds Prescribed

Then Some More On Top Of That

Catatonia
Migraines Hit Like A Tidal Wave

The Pain At Realizing

In Its Dark Ages
Medicine As Prescribed

Unknown Side Effects Rampant

Reframe Side Effect
 Affects Me Oppositely

‘I’, Is Not That Competent

Judges Orders
Good Intention Paved the Way

The Way to Hell And I Am

Not One to Dis-
Agree With This Sad Truth, So Then

Lights Began to Flicker

Use A New Pencil
My Stomach- Aches From Eating

My Body Stiff And Sore From

Benadryl Shots
Used To Alleviate The

Catatonia Migraine
Cross Between Migraine
And Petite Mal Seizure

I Don’t See Why the Need To

Shower Once A Day
This Is A Deserted Place

Only Tits And Ass Rule Here

Lights Flicker Above
 Haldol Leads To Aggression

Irritability
Of This Med Causes
Me To Wonder If Ever

I Will Get Out in Due Time

Due Time, Due Time, Due
It’s Silent Reflection Time

I Am Worthy Of Any
And Worthless of Naught
I Am Keeping Myself High

To Forget Oneness IS Sin

To Levitate Through
I Try to Remember This

Re-Parenting Myself
Loss of Self-Ego
Letting Go Of, “I Want”

Dawn Greets Me With New Meaning

Forgetting The Night
Welcoming New Challenges

Pearls Of Wisdom When You’re In

The Psych Unit At
 Somewhere Unsavory, You

Getting Yourself In A Jam

Focus On Getting Out
With A Firm Mind And Time

The Sixty-Year Old Will Say,

She’ll Tell You, “Fuck You”
Reminding Me Of My Station

In Life, In Love, In Words I

Miss My Mind The Most
Was It Ever Really Mine?

The Floor Staff Tells Me I’m

Missing Being Told
Off By The Six-Year Olds

Just What I Needed in Life

Still Fertile These Days
Things To Look Forward To

There’s Still Time, There’s Still Time, There’s

Speaking Spanish?
I Still Understand Your Face

Only God Knows the Time And The

Secrets I Kept In Mine
 The Question Is Always

Who’s Got The Pencil In Hand?

Once It Was A Pen
Soon To Be A Crayon

Without A Doubt My Mind

The Night Set Alight
Tooth To Nail Truth To Fire

The Party Got Started At

Shift Change, It Started
Everyone Back to Their Rooms

Or Into The Dayroom With

The Air-Con Blasting
It’s January 15

I Look Like A Desert Queen

Wrapped Up In My Blanket
I’m Battling The Sands of Time

In My Box I Stay, Trepid

Loops And ‘t’s’ Crossed
My Mind Agile And Active

Psych Ward Patient Has No Rights

Posted On The Wall
Proclaims, ‘I Have the Right To:’

I Have None Here, I Am Young

Or Old—I'm Not Sure
I Look Like I Belong Here

And That Is The Challenge

Would You Put Me Here
If I Looked Differently?

Don’t Be Dissuaded By
My Maniacle Mess
I’m Not Doper Than You Are

But I Sure Am Doped Up, Yah?

No, Not Really
I’ve Learnt To Relax In Here

See Your Rights Disappearing

Write A Grievance
You’ll Stay Longer Here, Then

Change Your Meds Then Stay

Catatonia, My Best
Friend That Day When

I Took The Meds They Prescribed

My Best Years They Took
 Eighteen Years Of Taking Meds

Eighteen Years Of Taking Meds

Eighteen Years Eighteen
Have Ruined My Body

And Cesar At Del Amo,

’I Shaved My Head And
Look At My Beard, How It’s Grown!’

Has The Audacity To

Say To The Patient
‘I Did Not Laugh ON You Though’

Nine Hours Struggling With

My Body And My
Tongue. Do Not Gag To Death

Your Family Will Miss You

And He Says To Me
‘I Did Not Laugh ON You, Though’

The Audacity Of Some

Parenting To Blame
Who Is Responsible, Then?

How Women Are Respected

 And Valued In Our
Culture and Tradition Of

Tits and Ass, No Face Here

Face Requires To
Have a Brain That Works

Independently Of Dress
Or Scrubs That Will Sing
Praise to the Highest Bidder

Beauty Is As Beauty Does?

Some Actions Cannot
Be Left Off Without Words

When Weak And Frail, Failure To

Learn Empathy
Will Come Back To Haunt Oneself

Hopefully By Then, One Will

Become Humbled
Alhamdullilah Shalom

Amen, Amen, Amen, Ah

In Rhyme, In Rhyme, In
Time, In Time, In Time, In

This Concludes: Emergency

 Broadcast Systems
In Retrospect I Was So

Angry At The Treatment There

Del, That Hospital
Not Hospitable At All

I Was Catatonic For

Nine Hours Starting
At Ten PM At Night Time

Meds Time Left Me Eerily

Feeling Outside Of
My Body, So Jittery

So, I Asked For Something To

Help With The Feeling
--It Only Amplified

The Feelings Of Jitteriness

Eyes Roll Up, Neck Too
Body Stiffens, Cannot Move

Shuffle Walk A Little Bit

Move Clenched Fingers
To Dial My Grandmother

In Case I Don’t Make It To-

 Night, I Want My Brother
To Know What Happened To Me

It Is Three Or Four AM
Wake My New Grandpa
Who Protects My Grandma

Bless His Heart He Loves Her So

Tennis Partners They Were
Won A Tourney Together

Fifty-Two Years Prior To

Re-Connecting And
Marriage Three At Seventy

So Glad They Discovered

Love Later, Now Two
Happy Grandparents

They Were Not Happy With Me

Why Can’t I “Stable”?
‘So Hard With The Side Effects?

My Brother Gets ‘Why So Hard’?

Sides Affect Life
Will Chinese Medicine Work?

Supplements Have Changed My Life

 The Big Game Changer
Omegas, Omega

L-Lysine And N.A.C.

Digestive Enzyme
Radicals, Anti-Free

Cleans Cellular Debris

Exit The Body
Sides Gone Then? Not Exactly.

As Long As I Can Afford

Supplementation
I Will Be Free Of The Morgue

Over Side Effects Over

Earning Enough Cash
To Pay For Supplements

Call Tim. He Retired Young

Ask Him. He Knows More
About Money Management

Happy to Help Me He Says

I Get Drunk and High
Put Off Calling Him Back

Why Do I Self-Sabotage?
 In My DNA?
Negative Strategem?

‘Fastest Way Out Is Through’

I Still Love Myself
Poor Choices, I Start Somewhere--

Give Up Drugs and Alcohol

No Problem, Truly
Thankfully, Not Addicted

Got Others Though, Plenty Too

Fantasy Addict
Validation Addiction

Sex And Love Too, On My List

I Am Flexible
With Addictive Behaviors

It Keeps Me Occupied
When Reality
Is Too Much Too Bear Daily

“Hits” From My Addictions

Keep Serotonin
Dopamine, Flowing, Flowing

Online Shopping Nemesis

 I Am The Devil
To My Own Best Self, I Am

Emptiness Hard to Dispel?

Afraid of Myself?
Or Just A “Hit” To Feel, Feel?

I Am Own Best Friend And

Worst Enemy Too
To Myself I Contradict

Feel Those Hard Feelings And I

Don't Crumble Apart
Make Sane Choices In My Life

Time, Time, Time To Unwind

Another Day Is
An Opportunity to

Re-Frame, My Brain –Learn To

Keep My Mental Health Sane,
And Always Reframe

Thank you, Thank you, Thank

Solutions Form,
Tim, Angel Of Monetary Wisdom

“Live Way Below Your Means”

 “Do Whatever You
Have to Do to Not Spend Cash”

“It’s Not Yours Just Because You

Have It In Your Hand”
Financial Freedom, No Debt.

Not There Yet, But Trying

Never Say Never
I Can Do This, I Can Too!

Second Reason For Sui-

Cide Ideation
Problem Solved! Save, Save, Save

“Do Not Incur Any Debt”

“Debtors Jail Was Real”
“Consume Less Than Produced”

“You Got Yourself Here, You Can

Get Yourself Back Out”
I Am Very Resilient

But Sometimes I Learn Slowly

Funny Combo, Right?
Skills Mastery Takes Time

Don’t Take The Easiest Route

 You Want To Work Hard
Doing What You Like To Do

Stick With What You Know

Opportunity-
-Cost Is What It Takes To Learn

What You Need to Grow To Get

Where You Want To Land
Eventually You Will Too

But Is It Worth The Time And

Risk? Learn New Skills?
Money Management? Vital.

Life and Death. Suicidal

Ideation Gone
Now I See There Are Ways Out

I Problem-Solved, Asked
For Help, Until I
Got What I Needed For Me

I Still Have to Skill-Practice

Am Still Learning To
Make Into Habit These New

Neural Pathways of Choices

 Pick Healthy Choices,
Healthy Choices Leading To

Sustenance Not Spending On

Fruitless Fashions
Things That I Think “I Want”

Painted On Anatomy
Unnecessary
When Unsatisfactory

Thoughts Led Me To Believe

That I Was Less Than,
And In of Itself, Belief

Such A Leap, But If I

Gave Up On, ‘I Want’
What Would I Replace It With?

If I Gave Up On, ‘I Want’

What Would Be Left Then?
Quite Literally, -Quotes!

Favorite Quotes of Mine?

‘It Always Seems
Impossible Until

It’s Done’ by M. Ghandi

 My Impossible?
Plant-Based Living To Honor

Those Lives Were Taken

Mercilessly,
Hidden From Society

Are We Civilized?
Our Caged Food
Who Can Be A Fair Judge?

Not Unlike My Very Own,

There Is A Voice
I Needed To Hear, Mercy

A Choice Was Given To Me

This Choice To Purchase
What Would A Child Choose?

Humanity Levels
Us All At Birth
And Death Is A Blessing Too

Minimalism Simple
I Stopped Eating Meat
For A Time, At Least

Food Is A Blessing Today

 Hunger Is Okay
For Me, Good To Remember

For The Sake Of Honoring

Those Without Choices
Those Who Have Sacrificed

My Body Is My Living
City, My Temple
I Did Not Always Honor

Honor Not Taking the Life

Unnecessary
We All Are Response-Able

Karma, Fate, Destiny And

Wasana: Binds
One Harmoniously

Darkness To llluminate?
Do Not Ruminate
Action Calls to Action

Allow Levity To Take Hold

Cry at Beauty Too
Live In Your Truth, Practice

Having Courage To Change

 To Make Amends
To Say Now, What You Need To

Practice Having “Overview”

Emote Thoughtfully
Spend Time Investing In Self

Let Others In, Who Are Safe

People Will Hurt You
Situations Will Change

Self-Discovery Will Heal

Humility, Grace;
Fragmented, Un-hinged

Painful Self-Reflections
My Humble Mirror
Alone, Search For Answers

To Own My Wrongs
Doesn’t Make It Right
Mystery Of Life, You Know

You Know Yours Best, You Do

Congrats, “You” Made “It”
-You Are “The One” You Wait For

I am? I am “The One I

 Wait For”? I am Who?
All My Fractured Pieces

Surely Don’t Fit, But What If

I Look Closer,
Fractured So Thoroughly

Only A Therapist
Could Fit The Pieces
Into a Grand Thesis

Patience Reaps Rewards

I Give To Myself
That I May Give To Others

I Give Myself Patience And

Hugs AND Kisses
I Hold Conversations

In My Own Company, I
Hold Space To Cherish
What Nurtures My Existence

I Am Blessed Every Day

Something Beautiful
Sight, Sound, Touch, Feeling, Thoughts

Money, Food, Water, Shelter,

 Friends And Family
Neighbors, Safety, Health, Healthcare

Internet, Phone, No War In

Home Country, Social
Services, Intelligence

Joys, Music, Solutions

Literacy, Art
Love Of Self And My Life

Fulfillment of Life Dreams

Framing My Journey
In Lieu Of Someone Else’s

Sustaining, Reclaiming
Child-like Wonder
At The Mystery Of Life

Humor, Anger, Having A

Moral Compass To
Guide, Knowing The Difference

Between Wrong And Right, Smile At

Wishful Hopes
I Gather My Dreams

Around Me Like A Net

 I Wonder, “Is Life
A ‘Psychophysic’ Dream”

If So, Who Is The Dreamer?

Am I A Player
In A Divine Game, I’m A Lifer?

With the Power Of Choices?

The Choice, The Choice, The
Choice To Kill Or Be Killed?

What If I Don’t Want to Play?

Is There A Choice Here?
Does Karma Truly Exist?

How Do We Really Know It?

Can We Prove It’s Real?
Is Karma Real Because The

Earth Spins And Rotates

On An Axis
Around A Central Point?

What if Karmic Energy

Is Set In Motion
To Catch As One Careens Through

For A Second And Third Time

 Ev’ry 24
Hour Global Spinature

If Earth Spins One Direction

And Circles Around
The Sun That Same Direction

How Is My Life Affected?

If I Turn That Way
Counter-Clock Wise Matters?

Can You Change The Fabric

Of Reality?
By Knowing Which Way To Turn

Do Motions Affect Time?

How Could One Prove It?
What About Great Timing Then?

Could One “Ride” An Energy

Wave Like A Surfer
If One Knew How to Spot It

Existential Questioning
What Is “Mania”?
Will I Be What Annoys Me?

What Happened To Me Early?

 In Life That Shaped
So Wrecklessly My Future?

The Inescapable Past

Consolidated
To A Welcoming Future

Will I Be What Annoys Me?

Why Annoyed At All?
What I Dislike About Me?

Taking Inventory Of
Me, What I Dislike?
I Can Be Controlling

I Get Triggered So Quick,

Zero To Raging
In No Time At All, Quickly

I Scramble To Recollect
Myself, Though Often
Lost To Raging Bull Fever

Usually I Can Keep

A Cap On My Rage
Let It Dispel Naturally

Into A Pillow I Rage

 Scream Until I Cry
Hit the Pillow Get Rid Of

Toxic Raging Bull Fever

Low On Meds My
Rage Breaks Through With Envy

And Terrible Jealousy

Abandonment Is
The Most Difficult To Heal

Of All Types Of Abuse

“True Story” I Think
Personal Experience

Has Taught Me I Don’t Change

Very Easily
I Don’t Give Up On Change Though...
A Dyslexic Haiku
Covid 2019
 It Feels So Good To Drive Now
This Is Power I
Say In My Mind To Myself

The Escape, The Freedom

I Love This Power
The Wind, Clear Skies, Music And

I See Myself On The Road

Motor Purring
No Need For Air Condition

I’m Only Going To

Do Laundry
Duvets Can’t Wash At Home

Grateful For The Break In The

Monotony
Of Bickering Family

Grateful For A Safe Home

Happily Sewing
Working On My Writing

Writing Became A Hobby

A Necessity
 Cathartic Explanation

Of The Wrongs I’ve Done Before

Stealing, Lies, Deceit
Daily, This Is Not Who I Am

It’s Time for Me To Learn To

Sing My Own Songs
My Biggest Fears Closest To

My Heart, Raw And Truth Telling

Hear It In My Voice
I Cannot Hide From Myself

Covid Has Been A God-Send

Always Told Myself
When I Had Enough Money

I’d Rent A House At

The Oregon Coast
Where I Spent My Childhood

And Write About My Mishaps

During Storm Season
My Autobiography

Instead I Find Myself Here

Childhood Home In
 North Hollywood, Cali

Locked Indoors With Two Women

Two Cousins Raised
Seven Decades Together

Still Don’t Communicate Well

ABC’s Of:
Accuse, Blame and Criticize

I Have To Retreat To
My Habitat
Hidden In A Corner Of

The Newly Built Dining Area

My Living Space
The Bay Window My Home Is

Humble, Yet Comfortable

I Don’t Ask For More
I Begged to Come Here Knowing

Lockdown Was Happening

Streets Are Dangerous
Times Have Changed Now I Think

I Can’t Drive Past Myself Now

The Side Of The Street
 Holding A Sign Wearing A

Mask, I Know I Was So Close

To Becoming
Another Statistic

Ex-Thai Beauty Queen Commits

Suicide Due To
Covid-19 Scares

Would Never Make a Headline

Just Another One
No One Will Ever Post

On Los Angeles Metro

“Rest In Peace Wakefield”
Though I Actually Rode

The MTA Ok? Just

Don’t Remember Only
The Good, Talk About The Shit

You Couldn’t Talk About When

I Was Alive
I Was An Asshole Sometimes!

I’m Working The Twelve Steps

In A Program
 Designed To Work For People

Hopefully It Will Work For

Me, The R.A.D. Child
Reactive Attachment

Disorder. I Don’t Think Brain Chemistry

Changes Permanent
Very Easily, Neural

Plasticity, BioPsych
Hopefully, The
Future of Medication

Will Be Microscopic
And Behavioral
Brain Surgery Could Help

But What Helps Now Is Byron

Katie’s “Turn it
Around” For Instance If I

Have An Obsessive Thought

I Flip it Around
And Think, “He’s Thinking of

You.” Which Stops Me Dead in My

Tracks. Because
 Who Am I? And I Think

Wonder If I Have A Cyst

On My Gray Matter
Somewhere, Why Is the

Repeat Button Stuck? How

Can I Unstick It?
It’s A Faulty Circuit

You Know Who You Are Have Been

More Than Gracious
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank...

Why Can’t I Tell the People

Who Have Held Me Up
That I Love Them, I Do Though

I Know I’m Not The Perfect

Anything, But I
Self-Care, Self- Care, Self-Care, Self...

Left To My Own Devices

Pick Myself Up Fast
As I Can Again, Again

…
 Quantum Physics, Nature
Of Reality
Fascinate Me, Endlessly

Indulging In Manic Thought

Leveling It Up
What Truly Is Mania?

Alternate Reality
Drug Induces
Mania Is It Real?

What Is Reality Then?

Multiple Me’s?
I See Myself On The Road

I Stop to Buy A Set Of

Three Toothbrushes
With Toothbrush Covers To Give

To The Version of Me Who

Is UnLucky Now
I Wonder About Chinese

Fortunes, or Lack Thereof

Why It’s Important
Isn’t Luck Everything?
 If You Have What It Takes To
Accomplish Goals
You Will Accomplish Them Then, Right?

Paint Your Power Position

If It’s Aimed Correct
It Will Make An Impact

You Won’t Get Everything

That You Want But You
Might Be Surprised What Happens

Next When You Follow Nature

Curiosity
The Feelings In Your Gut

Body Reactions Are Old

Injuries And Serve
As A Warning To Yourself

They Are Primitive As Well

I Listen to Those
Sit and Read A Room

I Am Not An Alpha
I Can Mediate
I Can Self-Reflect
 I Still Have So Much To Learn
But I Know Something
I Have So Much Power

All That I Have Lost Has Taught

Nothing Is Power
More Powerful Than

What The Seeker Seeks

Validation For
This Human Craves Touch

Adoration, Seeing The

Ugly Truth-- Belief
More Gorge Than A

Beautiful Lie To Myself

Everything That I
Divulged On My Off Days

Some Part of Me Deeply

Believes In It
Am I Talking in Circles?

Truth, My Humble Mirror,

Belief In Something
Creates Mystery of Life
 Inspiration To Know I
Have a Purpose
Existential Quandary

I Do Have a Purpose Now

I Have Roots Too
Free To Fly Whenever

Imagination Never
Lies If All Is Truth
To Someone, Somehow, Somewhere

Am I Defensive?
Too Blasé About?
Facts? Details? Sources?

Am I Childish?
It Would Make Sense
I Was Wounded So Then

Levity Will Be The Last

Paragraph Chapter
My Life Will Be Over

Before I Can Think It Will

How Can I Find
My Story In Life, Narrate?
 Is This My Life’s Work
Someone Told Me That
I Am A Success

Because, Because, Because, Be-

Hind My Eyes,
My Soul Rests Peacefully

That’s Not What He Said To Me

But That’s What I Know
I Hope That You The Listener

Have Peace In Your Heart And Soul

I Hope That You Can
Let Go of Painful Mem’ries

There Are A Few Things I Want

Complete This Journey
This Is The Book I Meant To

Write, And I Will Sing My Song

This for The Child
That Never Got Seen Alive

And I'm Crying Cuz It’s True

Preverbal Trauma
Taught Me To Hate Myself
 Before I Had A Self-
Concept To Save
So I’m Still Learning

To Love Me Within Myself

Whoever That Is
Myself Was Stolen Before

“I” Was. The End of Myself

If That Makes Sense
I’m Just Trying To Tie Ends

Together to Make Sense

I Gather My Net
Of Dreams That Releases Life

I Try To Dig Deep Into

What Made Me Now
I Don’t Like Myself All The

Times And Situations

I Put Myself In
I Am Naïve Sometimes

Deeply So I Want Be
Seen, Heard, And Felt
My Dreams Scare Me So I
 Don’t Attempt Them
I Take The Safe Road
Because I Got Burned So Young

I Learnt Non-Conformity
Within Conforming
So I Didn’t Have To

Reveal My True Self Inside

I Have Many Lies
Still To Uncover Within

Am I Gay or Bi or Pan?
I Don’t Know?
Does It Matter Anyway?

How About If You Love Me--

I Can Love You More
Because I Don’t Exist

Covid Has Given Me An

Audience Of Me
Validation From Writing

Time To Discover My Dream

Of Time Stopping
Deconstruction Happens
 Noone Could Have Imagined
But Everyone
Saw Everything Falling

Quiet Miracles
Here On Earth
We’ll See More Too

Is My Hoping That Earth

Is In Utero
Time and Size Is Relative

Hoping I Am Right About

Truth Is What Will Tell
Karma The Enforcer

I Think We Live Through Others’

Lifetimes In Our Own
Karma Does Not Separate

You From Me, Him From She, Or

I From Them, Die
Karma Is Ever-Lasting

Flows Through Us Energy

Like Light, Wasana
That Does Not Discriminate
 Between Life Objects
Maybe Sentient
Beings Capture This Well

I Have To Let Go I Will

Of Everything
I Own Nothing In This Life

My Body Is A City,
Microbiome
Navigate and Steer Through Space

But This is Not Me, This Is

Construct Of “Me”
Me Is The “Consciousness”

That Resides Inside

I Long For Open
Spaces Living Outdoors Was

The Best When Safe With Few Things

I Left My Credit
Cards Under A Rock And

Threw Multiple Cell Phones

Away Afraid I
Was Being Watched
 Living Strickly On Cash
So Hungry
I Cried Outside Restaurants

I Shouted When Needed

I Met My Needs
Food, Water, Dental Floss

Stuffing My Clothes With The News

To Keep Warm Chilly
Nights Early AM Found

Me Rudely Awoken
At 4 AM In
The Sprinkler Systems

I Had Huddled Under

Bushy Foliage
Near Someone’s House

To Stay Safer Then I Would

Hide in Gated
Construction Sites Wake Up

Early To Leave Before

Workers Get There
Eight Months Of Starry Nights
 Penny-less And Beautiful
Exist Off The Land
Drink Cream From Coffee Bean

To Keep From Being Too Lean

Hiked Up The Side Of
A Mountain In Malibu

With A Sleeping Bag

I Covered Treetops
With My Bag I Surfed Over

Got To The Top And I Was So

Thirsty Only
Had Chocolates To Eat

Noone Knows That People

Live This Way
Only If You’ve Been There

Do You Understand What I

Mean, We All Survive
Top To Botton, Survival

Of The Fittest Is No Joke

There Have Been Times
When I Got Scared Really
Three Times In Eight Months
Streets Are No Joke
First Time I Was Wearing

A Yellow Raincoat I Found

It Had Been Raining
Hard, It Was Winter Time

I Gathered A Wet Sheet Found

On A TV Set
On The Lawn In Hollywood

I Walked To Runyon Canyon

It Was Late At Night
I Needed To Sleep Somewhere

Bushes Near The Entrance

It Was So Cold Out
I Gathered Pine Needles (?)

To Cover Myself Behind

The Bushes I
Fell Asleep With My Neck On

A Wet Branch, Huddled To

Keep Warmth Inside
My Chilly Circle
 I Awoke To Shouts
Two Men Were Talking
Inches From My Hiding Spot

They Were Saying, “Where Did She

Go?” It Was Dead Of
The Night Inches From My Spot

I Stopped Breathing
I Didn’t Know Who
“She” Was But I Didn’t

Want To Find Out Either

Where I Was Hiding
Was Too Close For Comfort

I Was A Frozen Statue

Until They Left
Eventually

They Left Sudden As They Came

Scared The Daylights
Out Of Me—I Wondered

If I Had Called Them To Me

By Sleeping With My
Neck On the Branch As If
To Find Out If My Neck Was
On The PsychoPhysics
Parallel Lines? The Branch

Was Symbolic Of Who

Was After My Neck
If I Was Combatting

Human Trafficking
Later When I Got
Housed Again, It Was By

Someone Who Was Anti-

Human Trafficker
Activist For Twenty Years

Rotchana Sussman
Obama’s Guest
Wife Of College Professor

Still Lost Marbles Again

Zeigtgeist In Time, Yes
A Singer Wrote An Album

Anti-Human Trafficking
Was The Topic Then
It Was All I Talked About
 I Must Have An Obsessive
Trait And Missing
Sense Of Self, I Thought I Was

Doing The Footwork For These

People And They Stole
My Energy In Psycho

Psychics Parallel Lifetime

Stolen Energy
My Version Of Science

Fantasy Bond Victim

I Discovered
That I Had Become What I

Never Intended
But I Don’t Blame
I Only Self-Care, Self-Care

Why Does My Brain Operate

This Unsavory
Would That Make Me A Bad One?

Whatever You Want to Name

What You Don’t Under-
Couldn’t Unless You’d Been There
Inside My Brain, The Hunger
Unsatiated
Unsatiable, So I

Try to Alleviate The

Hunger Buttons
For Validation From Mom

And Dad These Dormant Giant

Feelings Torture
And Torment My Adult

Brain Has Still Not Outgrown

This Abandonment
Of Parenting So I Take

Medication Daily
To Numb Myself Out
To These Feelings That Linger

They Say Neural Pathways

Plastic They Are But
I Know Differently

I Can Never Go Off Meds

These Pathways Too Strong
Carved In Stone So To Speak
 Reactive Attachment
Preverbal Trauma
Permanent Disorders

This Ancient Child

Will Die When I Do
I Hope I Have Loved

Her, To Teach Her She Is Worthy

That It Wasn’t
Her Fault That This Is Life

Outwardly She Is Fine

If You Just Meet Her
But Get to Know Her Like You

Know Yourself, She Might Under

Stand About Life More
Than She Lets On, The Hunger

For Praise, For Approval

She Became What She
Never Intended To But

In This Great Life, There’s Only

Mystery of Life
My Humble Mirror Leads
 Me In Circles And
I Learn Nature Is
This Way, I Can Try Again

To Get It Right By Others’

By Myself In Time
In Rhyme, In Rhyme, In Rhyme In

There Are Things I Want To Do

Sleep Outside Again
Months On End, Nature’s

Intentions By The
Wayside Of Human
Invention, We Are Not

Immune To Nature’s Wrath

Doesn’t Take Genius
To Recognize We Are

Subjugating Gods
And Goddesses
For Greed And False Wealth

I Am Not An Exception
Although I May See
Differently Than You
 You Would See It In My Shoe
I Have A Fur Coat
Though I Don’t Speak You Know Me

I Am “Domesticated”
I Don’t Speak English
I Am Non-Human

I Have Thoughts And I

Have Feelings Too
What Is Your Technology

Compared To The Size Of My

Ears Are Sharp As My
Claws That You Clip So I Won’t

Scratch Indecent Furniture

My Habitat
Was Ruined By Humans

Where Is The Progress?

If Industrial
Revolution Can Go Back

Maybe We’ll Have a Chance

Humans Will Not
Self-Destruct At Their Own Game
 Of Intelligence And Wit
Where Is the Justice
To Those Incarcerated

For Selling Plants Not A

Sentient Being
To Cope With Sentient

Society Is Unfair
I Am Light Skinned
And Classically Pretty

Belief That These Two Things

Have Kept Me Alive
Is Not Far From The Truth

Had I Been Dark Skinned

I Might Have Been Shot
Point Blank In The Dark

The First Time I Went Off “Rails”

Lost My Marbles
Where Do These Prejudices

Come From? I Still Find Myself

To Be Biased
And I Have To Take A Look
 Why I Don’t Have More Friends
With Darker Skin-Tone
I Have White Privilege

Children Do Not Recognize

What Biases
Media Gives To Us Then

We Grow Up Differently
The Struggle Is Real
No Matter What Age

How To Get Rid of Bias

We Are All Living
Give Non-Humans The Rights

On Another Day I
Start A Train Of Thought
Here We Go Again, Again!

How Do You Convince Yourself

To Stay On Meds
Well There’s No Real Way Around

Sanity Or Insane
Individual
Choices May Seem, But Mindset
Sirens Are Loud In The Hood
Distracts Me From My
Writing This Right Now Why Is

Art Important It Is
So Critical To
Be Able to Express One

‘s Emotions And One’s

Perspectives
To Be Truly Seen is Gold

To Be Truly Seen Is Gold

Titanium Steel
To Be Seen Truly Is To

Live Fully Immersed

Unfettered Truth
Coexists Contructs

Plethora Layers
Helical Solar
Dimensions That Overlap

I Have Never Killed Human

Euthanized Once
With Aspirin A Cat
 Poor Soul Was Suffering So
I Had No Means
To Get Her The Right Help

I Gave Myself Hands of God

If There Is A God
I Believe God Gives Life

But Not Mystery Of Life

I Have A Saying
That Brings Comfort When Scared

In Life, In Death, May We Be

Blessed, In Life In
Death, May We Be Blessed

Will I Always Be A Child

In Family’s Eye
If I Dress Up And Behave

Will I Earn Respect Again

Why Not Revolt?
Refuse Cultural Norms?

I Am So Much More Than Hair

Length Or Body
Type; My Cats Don’t Really Care
 I Recognize Now That I
Am Their Guardian
They Know I Know That I Am

Therefore I Can Never Leave

Response-Able
Am I? I Am, I Am, I.

I Will Always Be The Child

In Family’s Eye
That’s Why They Love Me I Think

It Would Be So Easy To
Detach From Someone
You Just Met As An Adult

The “Causal Theory” Deems,

The Original
Injury Is the Worst

That’s Why Abandonment

Neglectfulness
Is The Worst Type of Abuse

Because You Can Never Go

Back In Time To The
Situation And Heal It
 It Makes Me So Sad Sometimes
To Wonder Who I
Would Have Been Had I Flourished

Fully Without Encuber-

Ments Life Had
Other Synchronicities

Live That Experience

Undiluted
Like A Flower Bending In

Towards the Sunshine Rays

I Count Spirals
Of Planets Careening

In A Wild Cosmic Dance

Blasting Through Space Time
I’m Aware That Time Moves

And I Am No Exception
To Any Rule
There Are Always Rules

Invisible, Unheard
Laws Of Nature
Are Not Human-Bound
 That Is Why I Believe That
Humans Are Not So
Smart, We Just Subjugate

For Lack of Other ID

We Cease To Believe
In Our Celestial Place

Among Other Places

Life And Not Death
The Conversations I’ve Had:

In My Own Experience
Following The Night
Without Contact Lenses

Or Glasses In The Night Sky

I Saw Something That
Moved Me To Believe I Could

Change The World Because I

Was A Part Of It
An Awareness Of Life

In Multiple Dimensions
Across Time And Space
There’s More Than We Can Believe
 What Happens After Belief?
Disbelief
And What Is In Between Them?

Honor Your Family

Yourself In Your Mind
And With Your Body Help It

Attain It’s Full Momentum

Life Is What You Deem
It’s True All Life Is Change

We Are Never Stagnant

Life Is Changing
That Is The Only Constant

There Will Be A Time Where

There Is No Death
It Already Exists

If You Open Your Mind You

Will Understand In
Your Lifetime’s Time

The Paradigm For What Is

Life Tremendously
Will Shift Beyond Recogni-
 Tion And We Will Be Left With
Ancient Wisdom
Beyond What Is Written

Writing Is An Expression
It Is A Privelege
It Is Not Universal

Look For Universal Laws

A Spiral Is That
Numbers Are Universal

Not The Written Numbers

But The Concept
And Think How Abstract Math Is!

That Is A True Window

A Mechanism
To Understanding

The Indivisible World

Mystery Of Life
I Know So Very Little

I Traveled Young Adventure

I Traveled In Mind
To Galaxies That Exist
 Somewhere In Someone’s Mind
The Sorcerer
Is Creation And Thought

The Same Wave of Energy?

I Believe It Is.
My Life Has Been Lived.

Am I Hellen Keller?
Or Is The World To
Me Blind And Deaf To The World?

Such A Sad Thought, But I Tend

To A Garden
In The Desert Not Far

From Where I Was Born in Med-

Ford Oregon
In The United States

On A Rainy Tuesday
Morning I Was Born
At Seven Ten A. M.

That Was What My Mother Told

Me That I Recall
Maybe She Was Wrong
 I Must Have Remembered
Incorrectly
But I Swear That’s What She Told

How Easily The Mind Goes

In Any Case
My Birth Certificate

States I Was Born at P. M.

I Had Deluded
Beliefs That I Was Royal

I Believed I Was Princess

“Di” of Wales
Incarnated Again, K?

Somehow I Could “Channel” Her

Then I Went To Work
At A Catering Gig

It Was Two Thousand Thirteen

I Believe The Year
HRH William

And Now HRH Kathrine

Were Going On Their
Round The World Tour, Harry
 Was Playing In The Tourney
Jenny Packham Dress
Jennifer Love Hewitt

Wore A Big, Big Hat That Day

Now Is James Hewitt?
Oh, Nevermind

The Rumors Fly Don’t They?

But Diana
She Did Throw Herself Down A

Flight of Stairs When She Was Preg-

Nant With William
She Was Quite Willful and Ruth-

Less Understandable
Give The Circum-
Stances Poor Thing Had Her Face

On the Tea Towels Before

She Could Erase
Any Trace of Camilla

Poor, Poor, Poor, Diana

Didn’t Get Along
With Her Older Brother
Maybe That’s Who She Married?
From Domestic
Violence To Bullied

Marriage Proposals Can’t Say

No To Anyone
Like A Candle In the Wind

Her Last Years She Got Healthy

Was So Very Brave
Amazing Person And Her

Story Lead Her Children To

Better Lives
Still Makes Me Sad, I Relate

Mind And Fantasy Mingle

Can’t Tell What’s Real Now
I Thought I Was In Trouble

I Was At A Catered Gig

I Threw My Red Watch
I Wore On My Right Wrist

Symbolic That I Watched

The Far-Right Wing A
Way That Day, My Bosses Boss
 A Frenchman, Came Up To Me
I Was Standing
In The Kitchen At The Front

Of The Line, Holding Two

Plates, He Said to “Follow Me”
So I Did, Nervous That I’d

Done Something Wrong, He Brought Me

Literally
Right Behind Prince William

I Served Prince William

On American Soil
At My Job, Kate Middleton

Wasn’t At The Table

But I Served Her Too
Deluded That I Was Di

Someone Found A Score Keeping

Book In A Box
And Gave It To Me! What A

Trip! Next Up? Fancy Billionaire!

Fantasy Bond
Fast Forward A Few Years
 Cali Is The Place To Be!
I Was Covering
For Someone Else’s Shift

Marciano Foundation
Was Opening
Wolfgang Puck Was Catering

I Was So Very Humbled

Embarrassed Beet-Red
To Run Into My Hero

Face to Face Unrecognized

Embarrassed Hid-Out
He Looked Just Like His Photo

Young, Handsome, Child-Like

Enthusiasm
Then Opportunity Struck!

I Was Able To Go To
A Book Engagement
And I Was So Crushed

Because Meeting My Hero

I Was The Foe, Duh.
True Friends Don’t Disappoint
 They Allow Sadness and Grief
With Gentle Grace
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank

I Must Thank Jess and Cuz,

Sara and Guillaume
True Friends They Were That Gray Day

Fantasy Bonds Quit!

“ I Just Admire...”
With Friends! The Fun Never Ends!!

Ha! I Am My Own Worst

And Best Friend To Me
See How Quickly I Get Up?

Bonnie St. John Would Be Proud

Gold Medalists
Get Up Fastest When Fallen

To Be Truly Seen Is Gold

Live Fully Immersed
To Be Truly Seen Is Gold

A Dyslexic Haiku
Apology To
Everyone I Hurt Then
From All The Damage I Sowed
The Silver Lining
Is Your Old Friend Is Back

To Let You Know How It Was

On The Other Side
What Is Mania Again

Why Mania Versus

Psychedelics
Aren’t They The Same Thing

Or Should I Build A Lithium

Pool In My Backyard
And Go Swimming Ev’ry

Morning, Afternoon And Night?

Towel Off, Sun-Bathe
Try To Lighten My Hair And

Got To Get Some Vitamin

D Inside Of Me
Laughing I am Writing This

Boy, Can I Be So Silly

Sex And Love Addict
I Am One Undoubtably
Better And Better Ev’ry Day
Karma Comes My Way
Spinning In Spirals

Karma Never Presents

How You Expect
Mystery of Life?
A Dyslexic Haiku
Continued Covid
This Chapter Should Be Sweeter
We’ve Settled In Now
Fantasy Melds With Real

Never In Reality
Fully Because
Well, What Is It Really?

Shared Reality Is Good

Reality-Check
Ok. I’m Still Here, Good.

I Get A Pat On The Back

Now, What Will I Use
My Time Doing Now That I

Am Here With Everyone?

Maybe Nursing School?
Honor My Family That

Supported Me My Whole
Life Even Though
It Wasn’t What I Wanted?

But, There Are No Buts

I Tell Myself That
 For The People Who Cannot

Have This Opportunity

I Will Do My Best
To Bring Honor To My Mom

And To My Father Who Was Not

The Most Present When
It Mattered In The Best Way

All Is Forgiven In Death

And In This Life
May We Also Be Blessed

To Those Who Don’t Have The

Opportunity To Learn
I Salute You, The Struggle

To Survive This Life

Into The Next Bubble
Will Hopefully Not Burst

Before You Are Ready To

Fly With Pen In Hand
Leap Onto The Next Platform

Take This World By Storm Even

If It’s Only
 In Your Imagination

Your Creation Is Real

There is Only
Emptiness Inside Without

Sometimes Taking the High Road

Is Not What You Want
But What Your Predecessors

Want For You, It Remains

To Be Seen If It
Will Really Suit Or Fit You

But You Must Try To Bring It

To Fruition
Because Without Your Fam-

You Would Not Have Survived?

No One Knows Your
Synchronicity Dreams

May They Be Unlocked Someday

In My Own Special
Time-Space Encapsule

There Is Beauty To Behold

There Is Pain To Heal
There Are Steps To Take Moving

Me Forward Cuz Time Never

Stops Moving I Believe
In Everything, Ev’thing

Can’t Stop Me From Moving Too

I Try Hats On Like
The Consumer I Once

Cherished, I Will Flourish

Like A Flower This Time
On A Tree Of Knowledge

On A Hill of Production
Showcase My Color
Spectrum With A Wide Array

In Hue, Texture on Display

My Emotions Splay
Across Pink Horizons

Damage That I’ve Created

Fallen Leaves On The
Floor of What’s To Grow From It

I See Someone In My Old

Manic Position
 It’s Hard On My Soul To See

Have To Be Gentle To Him

Wonder If Drugs
Are The Issue For Him

Funny How Karma Can Work

See Myself Again
An Old Friend Reached Out Today

And I Reached Out to Someone

I Realized
That I’m Not Alone In Pain

We All Have So Much To Bear

I’ve Learnt Who I Am
Through Writing This Memoir

I Am So Many Things
Cool Girl, Young Woman
Best Friend and Sweet Daughter

Maniacal Stalker
Recoveree
Relapse and Pick Myself Up

Things I Wanted To Be:

Model, Singer, Art-
 Ist, Chef, Researcher

I Tell People You Have Not

Been Bipolar
Rather Schizoaffective

Unless You’ve Shaved Your Head,

Eyebrows And Debted
And Lost All Your Friends

I Know I’m Not Alone Here

Addicts In
Recovery Know Too

Speaking To An Old
Acquaintance
There, On Set With Me When I

Lost My Pepsi Blue Contract

Seeing His Viewpoint
On Me Writing On My Shirt

Oops! Lost My Marbles!!

I Thought Kate Moss
Was My Doppelganger

And Stealing My Energy

If You Do Something
“Good” And Someone Else Reaps The

Rewards of Your Good Behavior

That Would Be Unjust
No One Said This Life Was Fair

But This Is Just Me Playing

The Victim Again
Just Like My Mother Did

But I Do Think It Could Be

The Karma Today
I Got An Email From My

Buddy Telling Me That It

Was Hard When I Was
Sick Off Meds Again

And Then I Ended Up On

A Video Chat
With A Buddy Who Was Sick

And I Understand Both

Sides Of The Coin
How Do You Reconcile

Stand In The Middle

Of Mania And
 Sanity Comprising

Imagination
Creativity
Know The Difference?

Thank You For Hearing Me

I Know I Am Not
Alone And Being So Seen

Is Such A Golden Thing

Everyone Wants To
Be Seen In Some Way, Shape Or

Heard In Some Way, Shape or Form

It’s Painful To Me
To See Myself In My Own

Dynamic Because
It’s So Raw And Clear
That I’m Not Who I Portray

I Wanna Be The Bestest

But Mediocre
Is Inescapable

Although, That’s Not So Bad Right

Mediocre Is
 Humble And Full of Life

Mediocre Frames
A Perspective
With Growth, Hope And Charm

When You Turn It Around

Words Are A Blessing
Language Can Be A Curse

Without Words To Describe

Anguish, Toil, Death
Trapped Between Language

Unseen Experience
Empathy Lost
Or Gained From Precise Use Of

Diction Syllables
Words And Rhyme
I Paint the Horizon Pink

Or Red From Bloodshed We Wish

For The Most Poignant
Winner Above All Else

I See Why I Should Read More

To Exercise
 Use My Brain For Thinking

Language Is Sacred
Boredom Infinite
When Useless Brains Roam Free

Why Do We Need To Speak

Phoot Tham Ai? Means
“Speak Why?” Literally

In Thai, Sounding Like This,

Take A Pause Here
Do A Vocal Exercise

A Liproll Here and There

Helps To Ease The Mind
Doing My Bills Today Like

Feeling Good To Get Things

Done, Add To The List
Of Debts To Be Collected

Happy To Give You Money

Lighten My Load Up
Off My Shoulders

Manic Spending? I Do.

Diamond Engagement
 Ring I Gave A Stranger

In A Parking Lot, Do You

Think Bankruptcy
Ought To Include Mania?

I Spent A Months Salary

On That Ring I Gave
To Three Teenagers

Making My Credit Stink

Can’t Get A Loan Or Apartment
This Is USA, Bravo

Condemning The Sick And The

Disabled And Poor
Ok, Wait, Did I Really

Need The J. Crew Jacket?

Sparkly Necklace?
Sparkles Make Me Smile

Bills And Credit Checks

Do Not Make Me Cheer
Distill My Fears of Dying

Painfully And A Pauper

It’s Ok, Okay?
 Come Back Down, Reality

Checking In On Yourself
You Must Stay Stable
Everyone Has Pain

Everyone Has Pain

Pain Does Not Escape
Numb Out Differently

Take Out Our Stresses Daily

By Shouting Or By
Screaming Into A Pillow

Do You Want To Hurt Someone

You Love Or Yourself?
Can You Process Your Feeling?

So That You Don’t Hurt Yourself?

Or Anyone Left?
In Your Path Of Destruction?

In My House We Don’t Ask

For Permission
You Just Take What You Want

Because If You Don’t You

Won’t Get What You Want,
 You Do What You Want To

And Suffer Consequences

If You Fall Or Fail
Then It’s Your Fault Anyway

I Could Complain A Lot More

Gratefulness Is Key
Knowing That My Parents

Were Around Every Time

They Could Not Stop
A Train Set In Motion

I Don’t Like My Viewpoint Now

It Feels Shallow
Like I’m Just Talking Without

A Purpose Or Feeling
Perhaps This Is Part
Of The Ambiguity

Of BiPolarness
Schizoaffective
Reactive Attachment

Disorder, How Can I Em-

 Power My People?
Thriving Survivors

We Are Struggling To Be
Okay Ev’ry Day
We Pick Up The Pieces

Rather Than Just To Smile

Struggling To X-
The Struggle Is Real

The Struggle To Pay For Rent

The Struggle To Earn
The Struggle For Living

The Struggle Is So Real

But It Doesn’t Have
To Be Alone If You Know

What I Mean, You Can Choose

To Walk Alone Or
Make Friends Along The Way

Each Choice Determines

The Destinies
Of The Composite Version

Of The Multiplies
 That Exist
Within The Confines

Of What Constitutes
You Right Now In This
Moment And The Moment

Before You Gave This A Thought

We Are Enough
I Am Enough Right Now

Repeat After Me, Right Now

Say It Out Loud
If Only A Whisper

“I Am Enough” I Have
Enough, I Will
Have Enough And I Was

Enough, I Am Enough
Yes, I Am Right Now
Gratitude With Attitude
 A Dyslexic Haiku
Black Lives Matter
The Fight Continues...
 Race in America
How To Unify
Disparate Notions Of Fair

Born in United States?

Indoctorinate
Disdain For Melanin?

I Give A Sideways Glance

Over My Shoulder
I Feel the Heat, I Need To

Educate Myself Some More

But I Feel So Lost
I Am Missing The Point

Somewhere I Got Lost In

Blue Eyes and Blond Hair
The Lies Perpetrated

To Systemically
Oppress the Oppressed
Perpetually Silenced

Fear of Being Singled Out

How to Raise the Bar
 For A United States

For Myself To Learn More

Lean In And Speak Out
For Those Without A Voice

Does That Mean Doing What I

Don’t Want to Do
Sometimes, Yes, That Does Mean That

I Work Hard So I Can Get

Ahead But What If
That Is Just Another Lie

Propagated To Keep Me
In The Dark About
My Real Worth And Value

I Advocate For My Wage

Fifty Cents Above
Minimum Wages

And Feel Good I Have Success

Bargaining Chips
Why Do I Need So Much School?

To Write A Prescription
Google Symptoms
 Yet To Carry A Gun

I Only Need Five Months

Education
You Will Cost Me My Arm

To Write A Prescription
To Save Your Life
You Will Cost Me My Youth

To Save the Riches Of Yours

If You Can Afford
Services Rendered

Otherwise You Are Stuck

With The Rest Of Us
Waiting For Change

I Must Be The Changes

I Want To See Come
I Must BE The Changes.

I Must Be The Changes

I Must Be The Change
I Must Be The Changes.