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IF YOU ONLY KNEW
CHELSII KLEIN
CONTENTS
Author’s Note
1. Gabriella
2. Ashton
3. Gabriella
4. Ashton
5. Gabriella
6. Ashton
7. Gabriella
8. Ashton
9. Gabriella
10. Ashton
Trigger Warning:
2010. The year I became a Bitten; almost ten years ago. I was
twenty-five.
Vampire, as pop culture would call me.
At the time I was in a small, no-name town, somewhere just
north of the Alabama coastline. Some buddies and I went for a
holiday to America. When you’re in line for the crown, you have
endless time and money so popping off randomly to wherever isn't a
big deal. Thought it would be a good time, and my best mate had an
internet friend here that said the parties were lit and the girls fine.
The internet buddy's name was Alaric Michael. And the parties and
the girls were lit, but only for the first two hours.
Alaric Michael and his friends had us down at the beach, sitting
around the bonfire and immediately pushed bottles of whiskey into
our hands. Soon there was a happy buzz among us enough to ignore
some loud yank playing what they thought was a popular country
song. The American girls were fine. Tanned up and drunk. Partiers
through and through, and exactly what we came for. I’d been eyeing
a brown, curly-haired girl with short shorts when a scream pierced
through the night.
Derrick. It came from the tree lines. I bolted up along with my
friend, and we made our way through the woods towards the sound.
I found it weird how no one else flinched at the scream. No one
looked around or reacted to it. But Mike and I both heard it, and
took no time dropping our bottles and checking the sound out. The
light of the moon was the only thing that lit our path as the light
from the bonfire faded behind us. Mike was the first one to push
through the tree line.
A figure blurred in front of me, tackling Mike and taking him
with it.
I was drunk. Had to be. What kind of…
Suddenly the figure was in front of me. A man. Alaric Michael.
Blood covered his mouth and teeth as he smiled a wicked smile, and
I stumbled back only noticing then that Mike and Derrick laid at his
feet. Dead.
“THE FUCK!” I yelled, before stumbling back and landing on my
ass in the sand.
“We need you. You’re the strongest of them.”
“For what?” I stuttered. Never mind, I didn’t want to know.
Before he could answer, I turned and bolted. Fuck this place.
I realized too late that I left my friends. Maybe someone slipped
me some drugs. This couldn’t be happening. The little town was only
right through these trees. I’d have made it.
Right as I rounded a tree, I heard someone laugh that almost
sounded like they were right beside me but that can’t be right.
“Leave him. I like the chase.” A girl's voice, it sounded like the girl I
was about to hit up. I glanced back as my foot finally found road
pavement. A horn rang and I saw a white light. Then nothing.
It’s been ten years since I’ve been back here. Ten years since
Alaric turned me into a Bitten after I was hit by a truck on a random
Alabama highway. But this life was too hard to live, and I wanted
out. I needed my humanity back. Day after day, I could feel my life
slip into madness. Immortal is what they said I was. How could I
survive this torment every day, craving the blood of those around
me? After I killed most of my loved ones upon returning to London, I
then tried to kill myself plenty and nothing sticks. I’m still here. So, I
need him. I need him to tell me how to die.
I go back to where Alaric once lived. The place he took us
before driving to the beach that night. But I immediately know
something is off when I pull in. I can hear an annoying cartoon show
playing as I pull up, even before I get out of my vehicle. Super
hearing was a bitch sometimes. I can hear a rhythmic creaking. It
sounds like a… rocking chair? The smell is off. Too human and that
bastard's white beat-up car is not in the drive. I ring the doorbell
and while I wait listening to the light footsteps to step towards the
doors, I notice the flowers planted everywhere outside the house.
Odd. Definitely not Alaric’s handiwork.
The scent of jasmine hits me right as the door opens and it’s
enough to almost knock me down. Or is it this creature's luscious,
pouty lips? I ignore the faded bruise I see above her eye or the bags
under her eyelids, and force myself to speak. When was the last
time I smelled something other than blood when looking at a
beautiful woman? And that’s what she was. Beautiful. She also
looked destroyed. But by the way her heartbeat reacts to my voice, I
know that she isn’t totally lost. At least not to me anyway. Was
someone hitting her? A second heartbeat, tiny, faint, graces my
hearing and I know she’s pregnant. And married. My undead heart
seems to sink at this but the determination in her eyes as I leave
and her skipping heart tells me, married wife or not…she’s just as
interested in me as I was in her.
I pull down the road but I don’t go to where I’m supposed to.
Instead I back my SUV into the trees away from any prying eyes to
catch that may see me and wait until dark. I was too intrigued with
her to leave. The asshole, Alaric, could wait. For now.
I STAY HIDDEN and stalk Gabriella for a whole month until I make my
move.
I’m not entirely sure why I stayed. But now I’m too far gone
watching her, to leave.
I know her husband abuses her and it doesn’t take long for me
to learn of her multiple mental illnesses, which I’m sure are caused
by that abusive prick. Does she know that she only sleepwalks and
destroys the stuff in the house that he’s previously yelled at her
about? I watch now from behind my sunglasses in my parked SUV
as she makes her way with her son, Sam, into the doctor's office.
He’s a very well-behaved boy. For a child, it surprises me. I’ve never
been able to stand children but a part of me is glad that he is
behaved so the husband doesn’t turn his rage towards him. Today
she is wearing normal clothes and makeup. Her hair is down and
curled, and she looks like she has a bit of life in her. It’s probably
from getting out of that depressing house. She looks gorgeous. Why
hasn’t she left the prick yet?
I write down the time and date she does anything new because
normally she is lifeless, sitting in that rocking chair. Well, unless it’s
to take care of her son. Even her own needs are ignored until her
husband demands her to shower. She hardly eats. Her pregnancy
worries me, as it should her husband. She never sleeps until her
body forces her and then she is still using up energy to act out in
her sleep. Little Sam trips, his knee scraping the concrete and within
a second the smell hits me. Usually it would be enough to bowl me
over with hunger but now I’m only concerned about him and her.
“Uh oh. Come here.” She comforts and picks him up as he cries.
Right as she tries to coddle her son, the door opens and hits her
back. It’s a man escorting his own pregnant wife from the doctor.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
She gives a polite smile and I watch as he holds the door open
for them to go through. It makes me antsy. I wish I could hold the
door for her.
Fuck. When did my thoughts go from intrigued with her life, to
wanting to be in her life?
Then again, I am stalking her.
Gabriella.
I say it out loud, loving the way it feels on my tongue. Loving
the memory it produces of how much she loved it when I said her
name.
Maybe I could find a way to help us both?
Kill her husband. Easy. Simple.
Commit myself to her, her children as well, when I came here to
kill myself?
Not so simple.
I needed to learn more. Watch. Obsess.
Because she wasn’t something I could walk away from now.
3
GABRIELLA
I didn’t have to tell Dr. Martin that something was wrong when I
went in for my six-month appointment. He took one look at me and
immediately demanded I tell him why I looked so sickly. It all came
flooding out. All of it. I decided it was time to come clean to him
when I started to see things. Well, not things exactly but people and
not really people, but just one person in particular. The sexy man
that knocked on my door a while back ago. Ever since then, I swear
I see him everywhere. In a reflection of my water glass at the dinner
table. In the corner of the room watching me as I “sleep.” On and
on, I think I see him everywhere. Outside. Inside. Doesn’t matter,
he’s always there. Always watching and always sexy as hell. He
obviously had some big impact on my sleep-deprived brain but
either way that wasn’t good. I needed help. Sleepwalking was one
thing, hallucinations was a whole other ballfield.
So, I came clean. And after that, I spent the next twenty
minutes convincing him I didn’t need the women’s shelter for the
beaten and abused. A lot of concerned looks later, he finally dropped
it and moved on to a solution. He put me on a medication that
would help both me and the baby to cure me of sleepwalking. I
doubted it. And although it was the help that I most likely needed, I
wasn’t one for taking medication. But I would try. At least for the
baby. Especially after he outlined all the dangers I was posing to my
child by just denying my body the sleep it needed. He did assure me
that hallucinations were a danger in a sleep deprived body and
mind. It sucked to know that I didn’t have a sexy stalker and that I
was now at the concerning level of my mental health. He also
explained how dangerous the sleepwalking could be if not contained.
I could wander outside and get hit by a car, although we are in the
county, but I knew what he meant; fall down the stairs, or try to eat
and choke. He kept rambling on but in my heart, I knew he was
taking the extra time with me in my appointment to get it through
my head that this was serious and needed to be taken care of.
I set Sam down in the grass and follow behind him as he teeters
along, exploring the yard with wide eyes. The sun’s warm rays cast
down on us through the trees, and the spring weather has a nice
breeze blowing around us. One big inhale of this weather almost
makes me feel normal, if just for a second. I watch as he rips up
some blades of grass and throws them in the air with pure delight,
and giggles. It’s adorable and I can’t help but smile as well. “Sam,
you silly baby. The grass stays in the dirt.” He squeals and attempts
to run away.
“Oh, that’s it, you handsome man, you're gonna get it!” I
pretend to chase him, making him squeal louder.
The sound of a car pulling up into our driveway has me looking
back to see the black Cadillac Escalade from a few weeks ago. My
heart picks up. Him again? Either he really was a murderer or
someone had big jokes to flaunt this beautiful man in front of me.
I’ve been on my medicine so this wasn’t a hallucination, although I
still wasn’t sleeping. I hoped it was real. “Car!” Sam points, and I
kiss his cheek. Okay, so it’s real. I scoop him up, adjust him around
my growing belly, and head to the car as the man gets out. It’s like
the sun knew where he would walk because the light reflects off his
sunglasses as he takes them off in a way that turns him into a GQ
model. His posh clothes and fancy car scream money. What was he
doing here again?
“Gabriella.” He greets, putting his hands in his pockets.
“I’m sorry, I never got your name the other day.” I lift Sam,
trying to contain his wiggling. He wants down and as hot as this
man is, he’s still a stranger and could be dangerous to us.
He smiles and the sun gleams off his teeth in a way that almost
makes them seem longer for a second. I don’t dwell on it because
the damn butterflies are back. “Ashton Rush.”
I’d roll my eyes about how perfect his name is if he weren’t
right in front of me. Of course, everything about him is perfect.
Damn Brits with their gorgeous voices, looks and names. I shove my
thoughts aside. “Ashton.” I can’t help but smile as my stupid crush
expands. His name sounds familiar but I ignore the weird déjà vu.
“What can we do for you? Did you find your friend you were looking
for the other day?”
“Ah, yeah. Apparently he moved away but that’s not why I’m
here.”
I’m taken aback, but I take the bait as I tilt my head in
confusion. “Why are you here then?”
He steps forward, and suddenly he is super close. The scent of
Acqua di Gio cologne by Giorgio Armani hits me with a fresh,
irresistible scent that has my hormones instantly reeling. He’s so
close Sam reaches out and tugs on his shirt, babbling as he tries to
put the fabric of his white shirt in his mouth. I immediately apologize
but he just laughs it off. Lifting his hand, he gently caresses my
cheek. I’m not entirely sure why I let him because I flinch when
anyone touches me, doctors included, but his touch feels…safe. His
touch gives me delightful shivers all through my body and the baby
kicks in my stomach. “I won’t beat around the bush about this. I
want you.”
“Excus—” I’m in shock as I step back, away from his velvety
touch. Warning bells are going off but something is keeping me from
not running in panic.
“I don’t give two shits about your abusive husband, how you
have a son and are pregnant.” I don’t mean to gasp out loud but I
do solely, because my heart is racing, and I don’t know if this is real
or some made-up fantasy. I mentally count how many pills I’ve
taken so far. He slides his hand down my arm until he reaches my
hand and grasps it as his brown eyes darken. Here stands any
woman’s wet dream and he wants me? But why? This isn’t right.
I take my hand back and put distance between us as I adjust
Sam. “No!” I scoff. “This is crazy. This doesn’t make sense. I don’t
know you. You don’t know me!” He’s hot but what guy in their right
mind would admit to wanting a married woman with baggage. And
how did he know that I was being abused? I shake my head as I
continue to step back toward the safety of my house. Well, kind of
safe but at least Isaac hasn’t killed me, yet. This guy was obviously
a psychopath and could very well be a killer for all I knew. “I’m
sorry, this is crazy and you need to leave before my husband gets
back.” I know he catches the shake of my voice when his lips tilt up
in an evil smirk.
Never turn your back on a predator but I ignore that saying and
turn to head into the house, fast. He doesn’t have to stop me
physically because I’m grounded to a halt when he calls my name. “I
know that asshole doesn’t get home until he at least has a good
buzz going and that’s well past 5 p.m. I also know you like it when I
say your name. Your heartbeat picks up and I can smell the heat
that starts within you. I know you can’t stand to look in the mirror
for more than necessary because that asshole has made you believe
you are ugly, when in reality you are anything but. You are the most
beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. You love watching Sam’s show that
has the duck and the elephant but pretend not to watch, even when
it’s just you and him in the house. You hate butter on your toast and
will only eat it with raspberry jam at least an inch thick. You fear the
dark but sleepwalk every night and when you do, you only get into
things your husband has previously yelled at you about. And when
no one is around and Sam is asleep, you like to sing, softly, to
yourself in comfort, for the child you carry in your belly.”
I turn around as goosebumps coat my arms but I’m not cold. He
moves to me at an inhuman speed that makes my jaw drop. One
second he’s by the car, and the next he’s right in front of me. He had
been a good six feet away. I’m in shock but before I can ask what
the Hell that was, he continues on, “I know you. I’ve been watching
you ever since I first came here. Call me a stalker. Creep. Or
whatever you want. I finally found the one thing that makes this
shitty life worth living for, and it’s you. And if there’s one thing you
should know about me, it’s that I have all the time in the world and I
always, always, get what I want.”
Sam is now falling asleep with his tiny head on my shoulder and
my arms are way past being numb from holding him. Ashton just
told me he’d been stalking me. That he wants me. Were my
hallucinations actually real? This whole time I thought I was crazy,
had he really been in and out of my house? How did he move so fast
and why would he just assume it would be so easy for me to leave
Isaac or that I would want to? I tried once before and it didn’t end
well. Unless Ashton planned to kill him, I would never get away.
Ever. And then how would we survive without a place or money if
this crazy fantasy with a stranger didn’t work out?
“Why would you think that any sane woman would be okay with
what you just said. This is insane. I need to put Sam in bed.” This
time when I turn around I make it into the house, locking it behind
me before I rush to put Sam to bed. My nerves are lit and I’m
shaking as I grab my phone, prepared to call the police but
something is stopping me. I peek out of the window to find him still
here. Now leaned up against his car. Shades back on his handsome
face, and it seems like he is looking right at me. I close my eyes and
swallow hard. What the hell do I do?
What the hell do I want? Should I call the cops or should I take
this as a miracle, take him up on his offer and get out of this
nightmare with Sam while I have the chance? I have been taking my
medicines for a week but maybe I should have started it sooner. Was
he actually here? If he was, I obviously hallucinated seeing him
move that fast. For my children, I needed to get my head right and
get healthier for any chance at escaping. A knock on the door breaks
me out of my dilemma. “Gabriella, open the door, sweetheart. I’m
not a figment of your imagination.” My heart pounds harder. How did
he know what I was thinking?
I walk up to the door and despite my self-preservation, I open
it. He runs a hand through his black hair. “I can help you, Gabriella.”
“How?” I ask bravely, but it feels like my heart is about to pound
out of my chest.
I watch as he takes his sunglasses off and his eyes bleed from
their normal color to a dark red. When I start to back away out of
fear, he reaches out and grabs my hand holding me in place. This
couldn’t be possible. People’s eyes didn’t just turn colors and
certainly not red.
“This is how I can help.”
I shake my head as I pull my hand away. “Whatever this is, it
won’t help.”
“Just listen.” The tone of his voice holds me in a weird trance
and I can’t look away from the crimson color of his stare.
Somehow I break through the sudden fogginess of my brain.
“How?”
The sky darkens as he once again reclaims my hands and all at
once pulls me toward him. I’m back in the trance of his eyes that I
can’t look away from and that makes my body feel like I’m floating
on air.
“Because I’m a vampire.”
I PASSED OUT.
He apparently caught me because I don’t feel anything hurt or
broken. And I woke up feeling a cold washcloth on my head where I
lay on the couch. “Ashton? Oh my God, Sam!”
I try to sit up but he stops me as I look around. “Gabriella, Sam
is fine. I haven’t heard him stir once. You need rest.” His concern is
palpable since I did just pass out but then again I swore he just
claimed to be a vampire. And why did I trust him about Sam? How
long was I out for?
“I need to see him.” He nods and helps me off the couch. He
guides me to Sam’s room, and I can’t help but feel a little weird
about this. He is a stranger. Sam lays sound asleep in his crib and
after I confirm he is breathing, I make my way back to the couch
where he follows. Dizziness strikes and I lay back down.
“Are you—” I reach out with a shaky hand and touch his arm.
He’s real. Or my imagination is highly creative.
“I’m real. And what I told you is a fact.”
I laugh.
And I keep laughing until tears spring into my eyes.
“Gabriella.” His irritated voice sobers my laugh.
I clear my throat and he helps me as I sit up. “Right. Sorry. It’s
just that you offered your help, right? I mean…” Shaking my head I
try to gather my thoughts. “And you’ve been stalking me?” I don’t
give him a chance to answer. “And then you say you’re a vampire.
Which if you have been stalking me, you’d know how messed up I
already am. I don’t know how someone who is just as crazy, if not
crazier, could help me in any way? Do you realize how absurd this
whole situation is? You are in my house right now, and if you are a
vampire, why haven’t you killed us yet? And you aren’t from around
here. Were you ever really here for a friend? So much just doesn’t
add up. I don’t understand. Prove something to me that makes
sense.”
“I don’t think you're ill, Gabriella. I think your husband terrifies
you so much, you don’t want to close your eyes when he forces you
to sleep next to him at night. That causes your sleep problems. If
you were happier, you’d be fine.”
I scoff. “I already know that. You aren’t proving your case to
me.”
“My vampire case?” he asks, and two long sharp fangs slide
down as he does.
I jolt back, more in disbelief than panic. I start to raise my
hand. “I need to…”
“Touch them?” he asks in a deep voice that further excites me.
“Go ahead, Gabriella.” He lightly takes my hand in his and starts to
raise it, making me realize it's no longer shaking.
“This is insane,” I whisper as he guides my finger to slide down
one of his fangs. I shiver at the same time he does.
“Do you need more proof?” He sets down my hand gently back
on my lap. He moves from his spot on the coffee table to sit beside
me. I can’t ignore how close we are or how much his warm leg
pressing up against my own leg is affecting me. Should I push down
my dress that got hiked up? I look into his eyes that have
significantly darkened since I’ve touched him, and bite my lip. He
leans closer to me and looks down at where my hand is toying with
the edge of my dress with a smirk. It makes me realize his fangs are
no longer there. I’ve never seen such full, attractive lips on a man. I
continue to stare at them while I feel like I’m lost in a trance. I
swallow hard.
“Feel that, Gabriella?” he whispers.
“Feel what?” My voice is breathless.
“It’s called compulsion.” I’d seen enough vampire movies to
know what that was and honestly wasn’t the least bit angry that he
was using it on me. Call it stupid and dangerous but this dark,
otherworldly and beautiful creature in front of me was everything I’d
ever wanted.
“Close your eyes.” They flutter shut like they obey him and only
him. “Now...” He gently lays his warm, strong hand on my upper
thigh. I gasp softly. “Kiss me.”
Before I can open my eyes, his lips slam onto mine. I suck in a
shocked breath but the taste of mint along with his silk tongue
assaults my senses, and I can’t fight him even if I wanted to. I’m so
lost in him and it should be concerning because I kiss him back
instead of acting like the married woman I am. I’ve never been
kissed like this and especially not by my husband, not even in our
good days. I’ve never felt someone’s tongue skillfully play over mine
like his does. Conquering, breathtaking, while at the same time
sexually compassionate. All this from his mouth, I can’t imagine
what the rest of him can do. He squeezes my thigh gently making
me whimper into his mouth from the pleasure ramping through me.
He growls at the sound and nips at my lip. My hands fly up on their
own accord into his hair because somehow this thing is turning from
a windstorm to a tornado. We are out of control. Was his compulsion
making me act like this or was this just the heat we generated from
our rampant attraction? Just as fast as it starts, he suddenly pulls
away from me, and I’m panting hard, trying to catch my breath.
Did that really happen?
I touch my lip as I look up at his smoldering stare.
“Does that feel real enough for you, sweetheart?”
HE KISSED ME.
Ashton kissed me.
Goosebumps coat my arms and my nipples tighten under my
bra as I think back to his strong hands squeezing my thigh. After he
kissed me, he left. No further explanation to his ‘I need you’ speech,
he shows up with a mind-blowing kiss and then leaves. His words
replay over and over in my mind. Does that feel real enough for you,
sweetheart?
It’s been a month since that kiss, his seduction, and his words.
Since then he has come by every day while Isaac is gone. He spends
the day with both me and Sam. He doesn’t try to kiss me again. We
talk about nonsense really but it’s amazing. Not only is he extremely
pleasing to the eyes, but he hasn’t tried to rush his statement that
he wants me. I told him I felt guilty about the time we spent
together. Whether this is just a friendship or something more, I
couldn’t stop looking over my shoulder, worried that Isaac could
come any second. He assured me not to worry because we were
technically not doing anything wrong. I wasn’t sure my husband
would see it as that.
But we had done something wrong. We kissed. We shared looks
only lovers did. And Ashton was all I can think about so even
mentally it was wrong. On top of it all I wanted him to kiss me again
so bad, I physically ache when I think about him. He knows it too. I
can see it in the way he accidently brushes up against me when
moving by or how he stares at me like I have hung the stars. My
butterflies and silly giggles haven’t calmed either but have got
worse. Now I actually get up every day and do my hair and makeup.
If Isaac has noticed, he hasn’t said anything. I’ve started to smile
again as well and my sleepwalking is non-existent. It might be my
medication but I swear it’s him. It’s like he brought me back to life
and even though I’m still stuck in this abusive, loveless marriage,
he’s starting to thaw my decision to run away with him. I just feel
like I really don’t know him well enough for that, to risk Sam’s
wellbeing. Not yet.
“GABBY! What the fuck is wrong with you!” I spaced out again.
I shake myself out of it as Isaac snatches the spatula out of my
hand. A small wisp of smoke rises up from the pork chops and a
burned smell fills the air. I rub my belly to calm the baby who’s doing
backflips, and step back.
“Sorry,” I mumble, waiting for him to take his anger out on me.
But other than an angry glare, he doesn’t move to strike me.
“Anyways.” He grabs his beer off the counter and takes a swig
before going back to cooking, which was what I was doing. He
seems to be in a crazy good mood for some reason, excited even.
He never wants to talk to me. Just yell and now all of a sudden, he’s
blabbing about work? I’m confused and a little frightened by this so I
stay quiet. “I told that motherfucker, I was the site manager and if
he had a problem with how I ran things, he could get the fuck out.
Then thought better of it and fired his dumbass after lunch. I hate
the idiot kids in this town. All the kids these idiots are raising around
here are worthless. Just fucking worthless. I can tell you something
though.” He looks at me and points the cooking utensil my way. I
flinch, not meaning to, but he ignores it or doesn’t notice because he
continues, “Neither of my sons are going to act like that, I’ll make
damn sure of it. And so will you.”
I just nod. I want to scream at him but instead I stay calm. I
want to tell him he won’t have anything to do with raising our sons
and influencing them to be the jackass he is. I wish I could stand up
to him. The hate I feel for him grows and grows. When he doesn’t
get a rise or reaction out of me, he scoffs before throwing down the
spatula on the counter. “Finish cooking this the right way and bring
me another beer.” Then he walks out of the kitchen and I let go of
the breath I didn’t know I was holding.
Dinner finishes without incident but I can’t get Ashton off my
mind even to the point I’m catching myself looking out the window,
wondering if he is there watching me like he claimed to have done. I
try to ignore the thoughts of him and head to bed. I’m not sure if it’s
the new meds or the growing baby but I pass out with no delay.
Isaac will leave for work and I will get to see Ashton. It’s the thing I
let my mind wrap around on repeat as I drift off to sleep. So far the
thoughts of him have kept the manic sleepwalking at bay.
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Vast Deal of pleasure is Being intensely happy with a Dear
and Tender Mother-in-Law and frequent oppertunities of
hearing of your Health and Welfair which I pray God may long
Continue. What I have more to add is to acquaint you that I
have already made a Considerable Progress in Learning. I
have already gone through some Rules of Arithmetic, and in a
little Time shall be able of giving you a Better acct of my
Learning, and in mean time I am Duty Bound to subscribe
myself
Your most obedient and
Duty full Granddaughter
Pegga Treadwell.
In the Lloyd Collections is a charming little letter from another
Long Island miss, ten years of age. The penmanship is elegant and
finished, as was that of her elders at that date.
We have, however, scant sources from which to learn of the life of
children in colonial New York. No diarist of Pepysian minuteness tells
of the children of New Netherland as does the faithful Samuel Sewall
of those of New England; no collections of letters such as the
Winthrop Papers and others recount the various items of domestic
life. There are none of the pious and garrulous writings of ministers
such as Cotton Mather, who in diary and various literary
compositions give another side of their life. We have no such
messages from the colonial Dutch. In whatever depended on the use
of “a flourit pen,” posterity is neither richer nor wiser for the Dutch
settlers having lived. Nor were their English successors much fonder
of literary composition. Nothing but formal records of churches, of
courts, of business life, offer to us any pages for study and drawing
of inference. And from these records the next hint of the life of these
colonial children, sad to relate, is to their discredit. The pragmatic
magistrates kept up a steady prying and bullying over them. In New
Orange, in 1673, “if any children be caught on the street playing,
racing, and shouting previous to the termination of the last
preaching, the officers of justice may take their hat or upper garment,
which shall not be restored to the parents until they have paid a fine
of two guilders,” which, we may be sure, would insure the miserable
infants summary punishment on arriving home.
Matters were no better in New Amsterdam. One amusing
complaint was brought up against “ye wretched boys” of that
settlement, and by one high in authority, Schout De Sille. One of his
duties was to patrol the town of New Amsterdam at night to see that
all was peaceful as befitted a town which was the daughter of the
Dutch government. But the poor schout did not find his evening stroll
altogether a happy one. He complained that the dogs set upon him,
and that tantalizing boys shouted out “The Indians!” at him from
behind trees and fences,—which must have startled him sorely, and
have been most unpleasantly suggestive in those days of Indian
horrors; and his chief complaint was that there was “much cutting of
hoekies” by the boys,—which means, I fancy, playing of tricks, of
jokes, of hoaxes, such as were played on Hock-day in England, or
perhaps “playing hookey,” as American boys of to-day have been
known to do.
As years passed on, I fear some of these young Dutch-Americans
were sad rogues. They sore roused the wrath of Albany legislators,
as is hereby proven:—
“Whereas ye children of ye sd city do very unorderly to ye
shame and scandall of their parents ryde down ye hills in ye
streets of the sd city with small and great slees on the lord day
and in the week by which many accidents may come, now for
pventing ye same it is hereby publishd and declard yt it shall
and may be lawful for any Constable in this City or any other
person or persons to take any slee or slees from all and every
such boys and girls rydeing or offering to ryde down any hill
within ye sd city and breake any slee or slees in pieces. Given
under our hands and seals in Albany ye 22th of December in
12th year of Her Maj’s reign Anno Domini 1713.”
In 1728 Albany boys and girls still were hectored, still were fined
by the bullying Albany constable for sliding down the alluringly steep
Albany streets on “sleds, small boards, or otherwise.”
Mrs. Grant, writing of about the year 1765, speaks of the custom
of coasting, but not of the legislation against it, and gives a really
delightful picture of coasting-joys, which apparently were then
partaken of only by boys. The schepens and their successors the
constables, joy-destroying Sivas, had evidently succeeded in
wresting this pleasure from the girls.
“In town all the boys were extravagantly fond of a diversion
that to us would appear a very odd and childish one. The
great street of the town sloped down from the hill on which the
fort stood, towards the river; between the buildings was an
unpaved carriage-road, the foot-path beside the houses being
the only part of the street which was paved. In winter the
sloping descent, continued for more than a quarter of a mile,
acquired firmness from the frost, and became very slippery.
Then the amusement commenced. Every boy and youth in
town, from eight to eighteen, had a little low sledge, made
with a rope like a bridle to the front, by which it could be
dragged after one by the hand. On this one or two at most
could sit, and this sloping descent being made as smooth as
a looking-glass, by sliders’ sledges, etc., perhaps a hundred
at once set out from the top of this street, each seated in his
little sledge with the rope in his hand, which, drawn to the
right or left, served to guide him. He pushed it off with a little
stick, as one would launch a boat; and then, with the most
astonishing velocity, precipitated by the weight of the owner,
the little machine glided past, and was at the lower end of the
street in an instant. What could be so delightful in this rapid
and smooth descent I could never discover; though in a more
retired place, and on a smaller scale, I have tried the
amusement; but to a young Albanian, sleighing, as he called
it, was one of the first joys of life, though attended by the
drawback of walking to the top of the declivity, dragging his
sledge every time he renewed his flight, for such it might well
be called. In the managing this little machine some dexterity
was necessary: an unskilful Phaeton was sure to fall. The
conveyance was so low that a fall was attended with little
danger, yet with much disgrace, for an universal laugh from all
sides assailed the fallen charioteer. This laugh was from a
very full chorus, for the constant and rapid succession of this
procession, where every one had a brother, lover, or kinsman,
brought all the young people in town to the porticos, where
they used to sit wrapt in furs till ten or eleven at night,
engrossed by this delectable spectacle. I have known an
Albanian, after residing some years in Britain, and becoming
a polished fine gentleman, join the sport and slide down with
the rest.”
Mrs. Grant tells of another interesting and unusual custom of the
children of Albany:
“The children of the town were divided into companies, as
they called them, from five to six years of age, until they
became marriageable. How those companies first originated,
or what were their exact regulations, I cannot say; though I,
belonging to none, occasionally mixed with several, yet
always as a stranger, notwithstanding that I spoke their
current language fluently. Every company contained as many
boys as girls. But I do not know that there was any limited
number; only this I recollect, that a boy and girl of each
company, who were older, cleverer, or had some other pre-
eminence among the rest were called heads of the company,
and as such were obeyed by the others.... Children of
different ages in the same family belonged to different
companies. Each company at a certain time of the year went
in a body to gather a particular kind of berries to the hill. It
was a sort of annual festival attended with religious
punctuality. Every company had a uniform for this purpose;
that is to say, very pretty light baskets made by the Indians,
with lids and handles, which hung over one arm, and were
adorned with various colors. Every child was permitted to
entertain the whole company on its birthday, and once
besides, during winter and spring. The master and mistress of
the family always were bound to go from home on these
occasions, while some old domestic was left to attend and
watch over them, with an ample provision of tea, chocolate,
preserved and dried fruits, nuts and cakes of various kinds, to
which was added cider or a syllabub; for these young friends
met at four and amused themselves with the utmost gayety
and freedom in any way their fancy dictated.”
From all the hints and facts which I have obtained, through letters,
diaries, church and court records, of child-life in any of the colonies
or provinces among English, German, Swedish, or Dutch settlers, I
am sure these Albany young folk were the most favored of their time.
I find no signs of such freedom in any other town.
It has been asserted that in every town in New York which was
settled under the Dutch, a school was established which was taught
by a competent teacher who received a small salary from the
government, in addition to his other emoluments; and that after the
reign of the English, begun in 1664, this public salary ceased, and
many of the towns were schoolless.
This statement is not confirmed by a letter of Domine
Megapolensis written from Albany in 1657. He says plainly that only
Manhattan, Beverwyck, and Fort Casimir had schoolmasters, and he
predicts, as a result, “ignorance, a ruined youth, and bewilderment of
men’s minds.” Other authorities, such as Mr. Teunis G. Bergen, state
that this liberality where it existed should be accredited to the Dutch
church, not the Dutch state, or Dutch West India Company. In truth, it
was all one matter. The church was an essential power in the
government of New Netherland, as it was in Holland; hence the West
India Company and the Classis of Amsterdam conjoined in sending
domines with the supply of burgomasters, and likewise furnished
school-teachers.
When Wouter van Twiller arrived in 1633 with the first military
garrison for New Amsterdam, he brought also envoys of religion and
learning,—Domine Everardus Bogardus and the first pedagogue,
Adam Roelandsen. Master Roelandsen had a schoolroom assigned
to him, and he taught the youthful New Amsterdamites for six years,
when he resigned his position, and was banished from the town and
went up the river to Renssellaerwyck. I fear he was not a very
reputable fellow, “people did not speak well of him;” and he in turn
was sued for slander; and some really sad scandals were told about
him, both in and out of court. And some folk have also made very
merry over the fact that he took in washing, which was really one of
the best things we know about him, for it was not at all a disreputable
nor unmanly calling in those times. It doubtless proved a very
satisfactory source of augmentation of the wavering school-salary, in
those days of vast quarterly or semi-annual washings and great
bleeckeryen, or laundries,—which his probably was, since his bills
were paid by the year.
A carpenter, Jan Cornelissen, tired of his tools and trade, left
Renssellaerwyck upon hearing of the vacant teacher’s chair in New
Amsterdam, went down the river to Manhattan, and in turn taught the
school for ten years. Jan was scarcely more reputable than Adam.
He lay drunk for a month at a time, and was incorrigibly lazy,—so
aggravated Albanians wrote of him. But any one was good enough to
teach school. Neither Jan nor Adam was, however, a convicted and
banished felon, as were many Virginian schoolmasters.
This drunken schoolmaster was only the first of many. Until this
century, the bane of pedagogy in New York was rum. A chorus of
colonial schoolmasters could sing, in the words of Goldsmith,—
CHURCH SERVICE.
Art. 1st. He shall be chorister of the church, ring the bell
three times before service, and read a chapter of the Bible in
the church, between the second and third ringing of the bell;
after the third ringing he shall read the ten commandments
and the twelve articles of Faith, and then set the Psalm. In the
afternoon, after the third ringing of the bell, he shall read a
short chapter, or one of the Psalms of David, as the
congregation are assembling. Afterwards he shall again set
the Psalm.
Art. 2nd. When the minister shall preach at Brooklyn or
New Utrecht, he shall be bound to read twice before the
congregation a sermon from the book used for the purpose.
The afternoon sermon will be on the catechism of Dr. Vander
Hagen, and thus he shall follow the turns of the minister. He
shall hear the children recite the questions and answers of the
catechism, on that Sunday, and he shall instruct them. When
the minister preaches at Flatlands, he shall perform the like
service.
Art. 3rd. He shall provide a basin of water for the baptisms,
for which he shall receive twelve stuyvers, in wampum, for
every baptism, from the parents or sponsors. He shall furnish
bread and wine for the communion, at the charge of the
church. He shall furnish the minister, in writing, the names
and ages of the children to be baptized, together with the
names of the parents and sponsors; he shall also serve as a
messenger for the consistories.
Art. 4th. He shall give the funeral invitations, and toll the
bells, for which service he shall receive, for persons of fifteen
years of age and upwards, twelve guilders; and for persons
under fifteen, eight guilders. If he shall invite out of the town,
he shall receive three additional guilders for every town; and if
he shall cross the river to New York, he shall have four
guilders more.
SCHOOL MONEY.
He shall receive for a speller or reader in the day school
three guilders for a quarter, and for a writer four guilders.
In the evening school, he shall receive for a speller or
reader four guilders for a quarter, and for a writer five guilders.
SALARY.
The remainder of his salary shall be four hundred guilders
in wheat, of wampum value, deliverable at Brooklyn Ferry;
and for his service from October to May, two hundred and
thirty-four guilders in wheat, at the same place, with the
dwelling, pasturage, and meadow appertaining to the school
to begin the first day of October.
I agree to the above articles, and promise to observe the
same to the best of my ability.
Johannis Van Eckellen.
Truly we have through this contract—to any one with any powers
of historic imagination—a complete picture of the duties of the
schoolmaster of that day.
When the English came in power in 1664, some changes were
made in matters of education in New York, but few changes in any of
the conditions in Albany. Governor Nicholls, on his first visit up the
river, made one significant appointment,—that of an English
schoolmaster. This was the Englishman’s license to teach:—
“Whereas the teaching of the English Tongue is necessary
in this Government; I have, therefore, thought fitt to give
License to John Shutte to bee the English Schoolmaster at
Albany: and upon condition that the said John Shutte shall not
demand any more wages from each Scholar than is given by
the Dutch to their Dutch Schoolmasters. I have further
granted to the said John Shutte that hee shall bee the only
English Schoolmaster at Albany.”
The last clause of this license seems superfluous; for it is very
doubtful whether there was for many years any other English teacher
who eagerly sought what was so far from being either an onerous or
lucrative position. Many generations of Albany children grew to
manhood ere the Dutch schoolmasters found their positions
supererogatory.
Women-teachers and girl-scholars were of small account in New
York in early days. Girls did, however, attend the public schools. We
find Matthew Hillyer, in 1676, setting forth in New York that he “hath
kept school for children of both sexes for two years past to
satisfaction.” Dame-schools existed, especially on Long Island,
where English influences and Connecticut emigration obtained. In
Flushing Elizabeth Cowperthwait was reckoned with in 1681 for
“schooling and diet for children;” and in 1683 she received for thirty
weeks’ schooling, of “Martha Johanna,” a scarlet petticoat,—truly a
typical Dutch payment. A school bill settled by John Bowne in
Flushing in 1695 shows that sixpence a week was paid to the
teacher for each scholar who learned reading, while writing and
ciphering cost one shilling twopence a week. This, considering the
usual wages and prices of the times, was fair pay enough.
We have access to a detailed school bill of the Lloyd boys in 1693,
but they were sent away from their Long Island home at Lloyd’s
Neck to New England; so the information is of no value as a record
of a New York school; but one or two of these items are curious
enough to be recounted:—
£ s. d.
1 Quarter’s board for boys 9 7 6
Pd knitting stockings for Joseph 1 4
Pd knitting 1 stocking for Henry 6
Joseph’s Schooling, 7 mos. 7
A bottle of wine for His Mistris 10
To shoo nails & cutting their har 7
Stockins & mittins 3 9
Pd a woman tailor mending their cloaths 3 3
Wormwood & rubab for them 6
To Joseph’s Mistris for yearly feast and wine 1 8
Pair gloves for boys 2 6
Drest deerskin for the boys’ breeches 1 6
Wormwood and rhubarb for the boys and a feast and wine for the
schoolmistress, albeit the wine was but tenpence a bottle, seems
somewhat unfair discrimination.
There is an excellent list of the clothing of a New York schoolboy
of eleven years given in a letter written by Fitz-John Winthrop to
Robert Livingstone in 1690. This young lad, John Livingstone, had
also been in school in New England. The “account of linen & clothes”
shows him to have been very well dressed. It reads thus:—