…

“You ever think about what we could’ve been?” I offer a slight nod and a sigh for
the history we never cared to write. I memorize every single freckle on his face.
Seconds race away from us. I pull back and clear my throat. “How’s your
girlfriend?”
It takes him a minute to catch up. He doesn’t look too happy about my change of
topic. “She’s fine.”
“Fine huh?” No response. I bump my shoulder into his.
“Do I sense tension?”
Atmosphere changes drastically. Feels charged almost. “What if you were right? What
if I said we’ve had problems? What if I told you we’ve broken up, that I ended it
even.”
“Jamie-“
“What if I said I’m free.”
“Free as in?”
“Single.”

I often lament over all those pretty,
shouldn’t be compared to theirs, that
when I sneak a glance at these girls
entrance and bored by mine; they have
Even me. And that is why I will never
popular girls. People tell me my beauty
I’m in an entire league of my own even. But
I see why everyone is struck dumb by their
the kind of confidence anyone could envy.
be a “pick me”, popular girl.

It’s been a hard week. No, that’s not right… it’s been a difficult few months.
Again that’s not it. It’s been a challenging year. Still not there. It’s been
living hell the last couple of years. It’s been a real life.

It feels as though hell as been driven up, up, up, clashing headiest with the real
world. Yes, this is the exact definition of hell on earth.

And I fool myself that I know him. I put him in the mold of my dream boy. It feels
as though we have love at first sight even though I know it’s
Crazy.

Even I’m confused. Even I auestion my reasons to stay with Lee when I remain
entangle in Ashton.

“I love you”
I don’t say anything other than that. Those few words mean more than anything we’ve
ever said to each other. The fact that I could declare love was a miracle in
itself. And once I utter those words nothing more can be said because this is it
this is the start of us, this is the moment we’ve waited for.

Weakest moment;
Ashton. “how’s Lee?”
“He’s doing good”
The next day neither of us brings it up. He pushes things down not dredges them up

I can safely say my sister is my most treasured friend. We never should have let a
boy worm his way in the inifetismely small gap between us. But there he is. What we
had was one in a million iriplacable. We were fame gifted to the forgotten, we were
timelessness given to the deceased, we were joy clasped by the jaded. We were the
world. Until we weren’t. Until we let our differences divide us and rob us of what
we had.

I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m at last around teenagers again. I’m finally in a
place where I’m surrounded by people every day. Yet, I’ve never felt so isolated.
These people don’t see me, they don’t give a damn wether I live or die and they
sure as hell don’t know a thing about me, about my life.

It’s so hard to be in a crowd of people and have the feeling of utter solitude
drown you.
Of course I wanted this, I signed up for this, but it wasn’t what I expected.
Nobody ever talks, they don’t say anything to me and they don’t seem to care if I
show up or not. And it’s so stressful! Every day I get on a bus full of strangers
and listen to them drone on and on at the back of the bus like it’s one big party.
They never shut up and all I want is silence. All I want is to be home with my dogs
and my family where I belong. These idiots don’t deserve my company and quite
frankly I can’t stand any of them.
Maybe one of the worst part is that once I’m tied myself to this commitment, I
can’t break loose. I can’t break free. Two weeks and I’ve made no friends, I feel
more alone than ever and it’s like I’m gasping for air and I can’t get relief. And
I’m back at square one I wonder where the heck am I supposed to be? Who even am I?
I keep trying and failing to find my place and every avenue I smack face first into
a wall. It’s so frustrating! I have to ask; why am I even here at all? I can’t find
a place to fit in, I don’t have any friends, I can’t drive, I don’t have a
boyfriend, I don’t have a job. The only thing tethering me to this stupid earth is
my family. I know I’m supposed to have a purpose and I know I meant to be here.
Obviously, I’m still breathing, my feet are still on the ground, my eyes continue
to roam, my body keeps going, I’m still HERE, but it doesn’t feel like it.
I don’t understand why I’m even doing this when it doesn’t help. If anything, it
makes me feel more alone. I sense my weirdness more than ever, I see my inability
to fit in with other kids, I notice my lack of conversation, I spot my teenage
deficits and I see that I don’t belong here. Tech center was sorta my last-ditch
effort to find people, to move on with my life. I’ve begun to regret it. I like
being at home. I love my family. I don’t need to be around these people who don’t
understand me and who take me for granted. I hate being ignored. It’s like being
suffocated by the hands of a merciless devil. I’ll sit on my own on the front of
the bus with all the other geeks. Voices drift up to me. I hear the pick-me girls
and sporty guys flirting it up. They talk and act like life is one big celebration
when really it’s hell on earth. And I wonder why the heck I can’t be like that. You
know, I should be able to have fun and be happy and act immature and be a teenager
for once. Instead, I feel like I’m this middle, aged boar who is just there. I have
nothing to add. I have nowhere to go. I don’t belong with these other teenagers
because I’m not like them. I don’t talk, think, act or dress like them. I don’t
watch what they watch. I don’t date or have a ton of friends like they do. I don’t
go to school. I don’t have money. I can’t drive. I love my family yet most of them
have nothing to do with theirs. I have felt isolation and depression and anxiety
and these people look like they’ve never had a hard day in their entire lives. And
I wonder what’s wrong with me. I wonder why I can’t be like them.
Tech center was supposed to be my saving grace and I am wondering if it’s a prison
sentence. So far it doesn’t make me feel whole or complete or happy. I wake up each
morning, distraught. Yes, every day I ask myself why I even woke up. It’s the same
cycle of unhappiness and incompetence and other feelings so bitter they clobber me
and turn into nothing. I walk to the bus like a zombie. I’m a robot wandering the
halls. I am a nobody sitting in class listening to a teacher drone on and on simply
to hear herself speak. It’s the same existence I’ve already lived. Before, I knew I
didn’t like it, and now I feel the same way as I did then. But I can’t quit. I need
to prove to myself that I can do this that I can push through it. Even though it
doesn’t feel like it. Even though it feels like I’m dying I have to make it through
this.
I can’t even say what the worst part is. I think it’s just feeling so alone in a
group of people that are nothing like me. It’s true people are teenagers, they are
juniors and seniors in high school,
they’re 16, 17 or 18, but it feels like there’s an ocean of differences spanning
between us that I alone cannot conquer. I would feel better just having a friend,
someone to love me, that isn’t family. I know I feel too much. It seems like I
can’t find anyone to like me. My family loves me because they have to. everybody
else tolerate me because I’m just there. No one goes out of their way to be kind to
me or treat me nice because they don’t think I need it but they are so wrong. I
need thier love and validation and attention as much as I need the air I’m
breathing right now.
I spent the night plagued with nightmares. I woke up this Friday morning happy to
spend the day at home. Because today I couldn’t take it. Today I couldn’t power
through on empty. Today I needed a day in my safe place. I needed this stay at
home. It’s hard to put on a show for every second you’re there. And it honestly
feels like when I enter the classroom I’m standing there giving a speech butt-naked
in front of everybody. they’re all staring at me and judging me and I can’t
breathe. Obviously, I know that’s not what’s happening, but that’s the way it
feels. it’s like they’re throwing darts and they’re piercing my flesh, letting me
bleed out before them. I recognize my insanity. I’m probably the only one who’s
ever felt this way. But I like to believe my feelings are real, and can be
validated.
I really really want to love tech center. Even after everything I still do. I
believe I have the strength to survive the bus ride there and back each day. Being
in the classroom isn’t much fun and it’s a lot to deal with, but even there I think
I can manage it. This hope fills me and keeps me afloat. My life raft has holes
punctured through it. My life vest has been shredded. My one thing to grasp is my
small bottled up container of hope.
Foolishly, I guess I just thought I would go in on the first day and everything
would be perfect. I’d find a guy that can learn to love me, I’d instantly have a
group of besties, my teachers would adore me, I’d understand the curriculum
perfectly, and it would feel like one big happy family. Two weeks in and that’s not
how it’s gone. I’m having a hard time excepting that. I still refuse to give up
though and say that all hope is lost. Even if 14 days in and it’s not going like I
wanted it to and I don’t really enjoy it and the other teenagers arent what I
expected there has to be something for me in that class. Why would god have put me
in tech if there wasn’t a purpose? I got in in my junior year, not my senior and I
was accepted into a topic I love. I must be there for a reason, and I’m gonna keep
pushing through.

I want to be great. I think that’s ultimately what crushes me time and time again.
The fact that I long to be more, the idea that I want to do something greater, the
thought that I’m not enough but I could be has me enchained to a future that isn’t
the one Im going to have.
had me locked up in myself.

Their laughter evades mine.

I think that the beauty of accomplishing little things like this. It might be
simple to anyone lose but to me, I was afraid. I didn’t believe I could do it.
Other people didn’t believe I could do it. And I proved them all wrong. I proved
myself wrong.

I’m tired too, but I have to go full steam ahead because these things don’t go away
simply because I don’t wanna do them. No. They come knockin on my door, begging for
attention.
The dogs need care. The chickens have to have food. The doors ache to be bolted.
The laundry needs to be switched. The dishes call my name. The vacuum screams at
me. The trashes aches to be flipped. The this and that and this and that and all
the bloody things I wish I could escape from come creepin up at every waking
moment.
Just because I don’t wanna do it doesn’t mean I have the liberty not to complete
them.
There was always resentment there for
shoes much earlier than I ever should
Lydia. He never even acknowledged it.
aside from mom. And you know what? He
Lydia.
my father. He forced me into a grownup’s
have been in them. I was the 2nd parent to
Honestly though no one recognized my role
never did thank me for that: For raising

I cross examine myself at every turn. What if I would’ve? Did I say something
wrong? Should I have? Was that weird? Could I have done it better?

I could be great if I traded my fears for wings.

I would be wonderful if I
I should have been glorious in my own right if only I had done on simply thing;
If only I had opened my hands tipped my head to the sun and let it all go.

I have things to say but just because people don’t listen doesn’t mean my thoughts,
my words, my emotions, are invaluable. They’re careless disregard for me doesn’t
reflect on myself, it’s them. They’re the problem. And I’m the one in the shadows
looking on. Always ever present. I try to speak thier langue and I fail. It’s a
feeble attempt anyway. But still, I notice how inept I am at being just that; a
teenager. It feels as though I am anything but 17.

It’s harder to live easily. It’s be easy to continue in my sinful ways and say to
hell with everything else.

“Ashton” I warn. I try to get up. He holds my feet down. “The nurse needs to come
in. Ashton and she’s NOT seeing this. Let me go.”
“Sorry, no can do beautiful,” he whispers into my mouth. “You’re mine and you’re
not going anywhere.” He kisses me hard. “Come in,” he yells breathlessly.
I freeze. A young redhead waltzes into the room cheerfully. She spots us. the color
drains from her face and her eyes are wide saucers.
“Oh my! Do you two need a minute?”
We must be a sight to see; Ashton’s messy hair, lost shirt and my flushed cheeks. I
literally die of embarrassment.
“No we’re fine actually… Now what the hell,” I pinch him, “do you need?”
“I’m just supposed to check your blood pressure,” she stammers
“Then do it and leave. As you can see I’m kind of in the middle of something.” I
bury my head in his chest. Yep I’m deceased.
“I would refrain from you both Uh… in the hospital.”
My head pops up, face aghast. “We weren’t doing anything-“
Ashton interrupts me. “Of course.” His hand traces the course of my leg. I glare at
him. He seems unaffected aside from the telltale sign of his lips curving up.
“I’m going now.”
“Finally.”
“Thank you,” I call out as she leaves. Then it’s just us again.
“You’re not getting away with that.”
“Oh, I’m not?” He seems far too humored.
“No.”
He lays back. I advance. I sweep a piece of his hair off his face. “Well, then what
are you going to do?”
I pin both his arms over his head. He goes willingly, amusement dancing across his
face. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“I’m game for whatever it is.”
“You sure about that?” My mouth hovers over his. His lips twitch.
“I’m never one to shy away from a challenge.”
“Good. This’ll be fun.”
“I can’t agree more.”
I chuckle near his skin. I give him a peck on his cheek and I climb off him. “Have
fun here.” He blinks.
“Where are you going?” He asks breathlessly.
“Whenever you’re not is just fine with me.”
“Shit, Rose, I’m sorry-“
“Nope. Don’t. I will not hear apologies when there’s not an ounce of remorse inside
of you. You wanted your entrashue of nurses to see us… Therefore, I’ll see you
later.”
“I love it when you get all pissed-off with me.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“But I do. You have the cutest temper..”
“Goodbye, Ashton.”
“See you later.”
I sigh, exsparertaed and leave the room.
I sit on the crusty hallway floor trying to calm my heart whcih is beating
relentsllyesy out of my chest.

Hositpial scene. Him and her. “Just be patient a little longer. You will get out of
here, Ashton and you’ll be healthy again. you’ll gain your privacy back.”

My white t is lost to the wind. His pants collect dust on the floor. His hands
ignite me. His body concures me.

The lights are in bones, the sirens in my veins and the pain, the pain the pain
occupies my entire body. Ina rush I’m back there watching, waiting, praying things
will be okay and they never are, i wish they were, but never ever will it be okay.

What kind of hobbies do u have?

Crickets chirp. Silence.
Guess that’s mean your not asnwering that
Bingo
Why not? I thought we were each others counselors:confidants
Says you! And we are not.
We should tell each other eveyrthing
“Should” is the key word there. We should, but, we don’t.
And why do we do this? U can ask me whatever you want. Right now, this is your free
pass.
Really?
Yes.
You’re a liar. I’m not doing this
Fine it’s your loss. The five minutes of a green flag are ticking by awfully fast.
So I can ask any question and you’ll answer?
Fire away

A little bit of nothing means a whole lost of something. A whole lite of nothing
means a little bit of something

I’m no stranger to its flaws yet I am a close friend to the benefits.

I’m no stranger to death/loneliness/tragedy/disappointment

I never believed I deserved more than what I was used to. I dealt with my father,
getting drunk, dealing out f bombs like they were compliments and treating everyone
who pissed him off like they were nothing. I set my standards a bit above that but
still nowhere near high enough. Any boy compared to my dad is good enough for me.
But I don’t want “good enough” I want passion and companionship and unconditional
love.
Sisters. What a gloriously perfect word. We never had much. But we had enough to
get by and we created whatever we didn’t have.
I wouldn’t be here.

I always do everything wrong. But, is there ever even a way to do it right?

addiction deal. Every day I live I didn’t relapse. Reading

I could be amazing if…

I trip headfirst over too many words vying for my undivided attention. They beg to
be seen, to be spoken. One by one they tumble into blender and they’re forced to go
round and around. They’re choked down, never to be seen again. And I’m left with
absolutely nothing to say. USED THIS ALREADY

Food-Cake fight
Fairgrounds (think of what we did)
Hospital experience
Princesses and guard

Your strengths and your weaknesses shine depending on your environment.

I’m so inexplicably drawn to him. I read into his every move much more than I
should. He encompases my mind all the time, drugging me into a blissful hope for my
future.

Hide and seek. bush. Garage.

Tragedy.
The fair

Our teeth collide. Our mouths devour one another, desperately trying to prove our
affection. Our hands ruthlessly aim for dominance. Our arms tie themselves around
each other, happily knowing we won’t separate anytime soon. Our feet stay rooted,
understanding full well that neither party is running.

Love is mad! I’m a bullseye getting shot to death at a fair. I still stick it out.
I don’t understand what I did and the rounds never run out. By the time he’s had
his fill I’m hole filled. by a stick at

Eat the damn meatball

Don’t be a baldie, baldie
Here’s my number so call my mommy
*Hug a pilliow (Ricky)

Pudgey the frog. Night swims with glow sticks. Swimming out to booeys.
Loves gaudy shinny things. Big shirts. Black pants. Messy room. Unkept bed. Wild
hair.

Gale

There two social modes for me;

I have two modes:
Fake and depressed

Climb through sister’s windiow because hers isn’t near a roof.

Honest lies
Lie honestly
Honestly lying
Lying honesty
Lying honestly

A light knock sounds on my door.

I freeze.
Why do you keep doing this?” I hiss, as I grab his arm
“Nice outfit,” he smirks. I glare his way as he takes in my sweatpants and 3 sizes
too big cardigan. “And don’t even try to deny that you like it because I know you
do”
I cross my arms around my chest and playfully stick my tongue out at him. He
strolls around my place acting like he owns it as usual.
“What’s up with all the cups in your room?” He says this with a mirth-filled voice
eyes amused as he takes in my stack of mug assortments.
“Because I use them for Piper’s food.”
He laughs his head off clutching his stomach. When he finally has a reprieve, he
turns to me eyes watering.
“Only you would feed a dog in your bedroom.”
“I don’t want her to starve in the night!” I protest, trying in vain to hold on to
the only dignity I have left
“Uh huh sure.”
I put my hands on my hips and fake a glower.
Hands fly up in surrender.“You know I’m just playing. I love your little quirks.”

The fact that my dad doesn’t care that I’m doing god knows what upstairs alone in
my room hurts. It’s a pain I still haven’t found the cure for.

It’s all to easy to lower my food quantities, to instinctively cut calories.

It’s the one thing I can control when everything is spiraling out of reach.

Take a chance. Talk to her. “Hey we’re in at together.”

“Oh yeah! Hey. You wanna sit with me”.
Can’t say no. “Uh sure.”
In the group. Ride better

Baby on the bus.

Wants a family. Feels stuck. Desperate.
Studies him. Goes to him. “Will u have s with me?”
“What? Why?”
“You don’t have to know. SoWill you or not?“
“What if I said yes?”
“That’d be great.”
“And if I said no?”
“We’ll pretend like this never happened.”
“Do I get time to think?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“You ask too many questions. What I asked was simple and straightforward question.
Give me an answer.”
Wanting to be involved.

“I really just wanna be a mom. I love kids.” I shrug.

Eyes darken, smolder. “I could make you a mom.”
“Yes. Yes, you could.” Moment breaks.

Shirt rides up.

Stretch marks
“I didn’t know you had-“
“It’s nothing. Just leave it.”
“Why are you being weird about it?”
“I’m not.”
“And now you’re lying. Is it really that big of a deal to you?” I stay silent.
“You’re self conscious about them aren’t you?”
“It’s really none of your business,” I snap.
“Well I think it is.”
Ashton moves. “What are you doing?!?”
“Almost everyone has them. They’re nothing exsceot beauty marks.”
I scoff. “They’re not beautiful.”
“That’s the way they look to me.”
“You’re delusional.”
“If this is insanity I’ll take it gladly.” Eye contact. “You’re beautiful, Rose
every bit if you. And if I have to kiss every inch of your skin to convince you I
will.”

“Ashton, oh god don’t stop.”

Hovers over. Face to face. “I love u.”
He doesn’t nag. He doesn’t press me to say it back. He just lets the declaration
float between us like the haze that comes from a good daydream.