Write a descriptive piece called The Mountain.

In your writing, create a

sense of atmosphere, and focus on colors and sounds to help your reader
imagine the scene.

The Answer: (Descriptive Writing A-Level Example)

The Mountain
It had been a long hard trek across the sludgy path, my footfalls
producing rhythmic squelches. A warm pitiful breath escaped my
mouth and struggled against the unrelenting breeze. My eyes
wept from the wind, without sadness, the tears quickly drying but
no less pained. I had managed to stray unwittingly from the path.
My mind blank, I had chanced upon a vast expanse of open land.
Vaguely, I recalled how I had got there, how I awoke in
perspiration merely hours earlier, my T-shirt soaked through. If I
had wrung it, I’m sure water would have trickled out, so sodden it
was. When I eventually peeled myself off the bed, it was then the
idea had taken root, to venture out for a spirited walk. Grabbing
my staff and closing the door after me, I walked on mechanically,
permitting the crisp air to enter my lungs and liven my senses. For
a long time, I gazed listlessly at my traipsing feet, neglecting to
survey the path ahead. Soon, when I glanced up, I had drunk in the
formidable sight of a tall mountain stood gargantuan in the
distance.

The sky, slate grey and heavy, bore the promise of rain. A knot of
cloud hung low and obscured the mountain’s peak. It should have
unnerved me, but it didn’t. I was Ill-dressed and ill-prepared, yet a
dogged stubbornness coursed through my every fibre. I firmly
decided I would task myself to climb it. I forged onward like a
weary soldier, going into battle for the very first time.

As I neared the foot of the mountain, such was its mass I could no
longer see sky. Pausing at the base of it, I noticed that the wind
had abated somewhat, and I felt a brief flash of renewed
confidence. Glancing up its steep face my eyes scanned the wild,
rocky terrain, peppered with tufts of grass and high reeds. No
discernible path appeared to etch through it, which led me to
believe that nobody of sound mind would be foolish enough to
scale it, nobody as foolish as me at least. Warding off the
temptation to turn back, I placed my trusty staff before me and
carefully distributed my weight across the unstable ground. With
no visible path to speak of I lunged forward and begun to climb,
praising each successfully placed step as I slowly advanced.
Reaching roughly a meter high, I felt the first cool drop of rain
blotch my forehead. It caused me to glance up instantly at the sky
with trepidation, but before I would be greeted by an onslaught of
raindrops, I decided to forge on undeterred.

A violent rush of wind suddenly rose beneath me, causing the

hood of my coat to blow clean over my head. Maybe it was a sign, I
thought. Nature’s way of telling me that I should prepare for the
inevitable drenching. But I did my best to not entertain such
thoughts. Instead, my mind was cast back to the days of my youth.
I recollected the numerous occasions I had ventured into the
woods with my older brother. Together we would seek out the
tallest climbable tree. He would goad and pressure me to reach
the furthest branch no matter the risk of danger, his voice always
close behind, providing a safety net in case I fell. I never did, but
where was his voice now?

When the rain came, it had been roughly an hour since I last
looked down. The terrain had gotten steeper, so much so that my
staff was rendered useless and left me all but hugging onto the
slope for dear life. There were times when I froze, clutching myself
to the earth, breathing in mud and stone, feeling as though I had
tasted time itself. The rain came down in sheets, muddying the
very soil my hands struggled to claw into as I ascended. Why had I
bothered? I asked myself. Don’t worry just keep going, keep
climbing. I imagined my brother’s voice not that far behind.
Student’s Feedback:
Imagery:
There are two examples in this passage where the language draws
visual depictions. Firstly, in describing the colour of the sky as
‘slate-grey’, likening it to a shade taken from a type of stone,
successfully transmits the image of a dark sky into the reader’s
mind. Furthermore, the adjective ‘slate’ has connotations of
hardness and coldness, create an intense atmosphere and a sense
of difficulty for the protagonist. The use of compound adjectives
through the hyphen also enhances the intensity of the visual
image.

The second refers to the protagonist’s determination as he ‘forged

onward like a weary soldier, going into battle for the very first
time.’ This conjures a feeling of vulnerability for the reader, as it
presents the idea that the protagonist is venturing into the
unknown, with unforeseen dangers ahead, creating palpable
suspense.

Voice/Tone:
An underlying sense of foreboding runs consistently throughout
the passage and there is a distinct atmosphere enveloping the
language that is earthy and rich. Much of this is derived from the
detailed scene description, which places the reader directly into
the mood and atmosphere of the text. This is portrayed in the
depiction of physical hardship, endured by the protagonist. For
example, ‘My eyes wept from the wind, without sadness, the tears
quickly drying but no less pained.’ The line also contains a subtle
hint of irony, the association between tears being linked to
sadness. However, in this case it is the harshness of nature that is
bringing about the shedding of tears. Another example of ‘mood’
and ‘feel’ evident in the text can be found in the following line:
‘There were times when I froze, clutching myself to the earth,
breathing in mud and stone, feeling as though I had tasted time
itself.’ While ‘mud’ and ‘stone’ represent nature, they are also
symbolically linked to the ancient age of the mountain and present
the idea ‘tasting time’ as though it were a tangible thing. These
linguistic techniques of tying nature to feeling, exist to immerse
the reader within the voice and tone of the text.

The continuous verbs ‘clutching’ and ‘breathing’ … continuous

motion / enduring difficulty / dynamic and physical enhance the
sense of struggle / highlight the fragility of man in comparison to
all-powerful nature.

Perspective/Structure:
The narrative is strictly told in first-person through the featured
protagonist and unfolds in past-tense. While a majority of events
are described in a continuous stream of action, there are two
moments where the action shifts to a series of flashbacks. The first
one being where we learn of the protagonist awaking from his
bed: ‘I awoke in perspiration merely hours earlier, my T-shirt
soaked through,’ and the second, revisiting thoughts of childhood,
where he speaks of his brother: ‘I recollected the numerous
occasions I had ventured into the woods with my older brother.’
Despite these two time-shifts, the throughline of the story
commences from the moment the protagonist witnesses the
mountain upon his travels, along the path, to lastly attempting to
scale it, finding himself stuck upon its steep face.

Features to include for my next creative piece:

 Multiple characters
 Dialogue
 A variation of sentences, including one word.
 A specific moment of conflict
 Range of paragraph lengths
 Range of punctuation > ! ? : ; ‘ “” ‘ () …

My Marking:
GRADE: 18/25
72 % > B grade
Level 4:
• Effective expression, with a range of language, including some
complex structures and less common lexis
• A few minor errors which do not impede communication

• Text is logically organised; ideas are developed in an effective

manner

• Task is achieved well; content is relevant

Overall, I believed the last 2 sentences could have been more

refined, more poignant, and expressive. The story at this point
ends rather abruptly in comparison to the rest, which
demonstrates better fluency and reads more elegantly.

However, the earlier paragraphs clearly demonstrate strong use of

language, that manages to be visually expressive, symbolic/poetic,
and carries a distinct tone. There is much intrigue and suspense to
be enjoyed, which in turn engages the reader.