Enhancing: Soft Skills

E N H A N C I N G
SO F T S K I L S
L
AND
PE R S O N A L I T Y
Prof. T. Ravichandran
Humanities and Social Sciences
IIT Kanpur
INDEX
S. Page
No Topic No.
Week 1
1 Introduction: Highlights of Developing SS Course-1-24 1
2 Introduction: Highlights of Developing SS Course-25-48 33
3 Mind-Set-1: Definitions and Types 63
4 Mind-Set-2: Learning Mindsets 79
5 Mind-Set-3: Secrets of Developing Growth Mindsets 91
Week 2
Managing Time-1: Importance of Time and Understanding Perceptions
6 of Time 109
7 Managing Time-2: Using Time Efficiently 128
8 Handling Delay-1: Understanding Procrastination 153
9 Handling Delay-2: Overcoming Procrastination 174
10 Assertiveness-1: Don’t Say “Yes” to Make Others Happy! 201
Week 3
11 Assertiveness -2 216
12 Assertiveness -3 234
13 Managing Negative Emotions 254
14 Channelizing Positive Emotions-1 275
15 Channelizing Positive Emotions-2 290
Week 4
16 People Skills-1-What Makes Others Dislike You 309
17 People Skills-2-What Makes Others Like You-1 331
18 People Skills-3:What Makes Others Like You-2 345
19 People Skills-4-Being Attractive-1 357
20 People Skills-5-Being Attractive-2 375
Week 5
21 English Skills: 1-Common Errors-1 390
22 English Skills-2: Common Errors-2 403
Week 6
26 Significance of Humour in Communication-1 471
27 Humour in the Workplace 487
28 Function of Humour in the Workplace 501
29 Money and Personality 517
30 Managing Money 540
Week 7
31 Health and Personality 560
32 Managing Health-1: Importance of Exercise 577
33 Managing Health-2: Diet and Sleep 593
34 Love and Personality 607
35 Managing Love 623
Week 8
36 Ethics and Etiquette 641
37 Business Etiquette 658
38 Managing Mind and Memory 673
39 Improving Memory 691
40 Care for Environment 709
Indian Institute of Technology Kanpur
National Programme on Technology Enhanced Learning (NPTEL)
Course Title
Enhancing Soft Skills And Personality
Lecture - 01
Introduction-1: Highlights of Developing SS Course-1-24
by…
Dept. of Humanities and Social Sciences
Hello everyone! Welcome to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
(Refer Slide Time: 00:22)
So, this is a course, we are giving from IIT Kanpur, from NPTEL MOOC. I am professor of
English, Ravichandran, from the Department of Humanities and Social Sciences. Most of you
have already done my previous course, Developing Soft Skills and Personality. I welcome back
all those who have done the previous course to this one, and I welcome all the others who are
doing this course for the first time.
Now, those who are going to do it for the first time, I am very happy to welcome you also. There
is no much of a difference even if you have not done the previous one, and even if you think that
you should have done it, I am going to give you the link at the end of it, and you can take a quick
look at it. And this introductory lecture, is actually going to be a kind of preview of the previous
course that I did, so, I welcome all those who did the course before and I also welcome the new
ones who have taken this Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. This is the first week, and this is
the first unit, and this is the introduction, and this is the first lesson.
There will be eight weeks and you will have about 40 lectures or so each one will be for about
half an hour. So last time, we had about 25 minutes lectures and we had about 48 lectures. Now
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in this lecture, as well as in the next one, I am going to give you some highlights of the previous
course, Developing Soft Skills and Personality.
Many students took it. About 15,000 students from India and abroad took the course and around
3,000 students gave the exams. The course was run for eight weeks from 18 July 2016 to 9
September 2016. And each week, there was about 6 lectures of 25 minutes, and overall, it was
for 2.5 hours. So this time also, each week you will have lecture content for 2.5 hours and total it
will be for 20 hours. Last time we had 48 lectures we will have 40 plus because we will have
each lecture about 30 minutes this time.
Now what did I do in the previous course? And then, why it is relevant that I start with the
previous one, before starting this one, because I feel that those who have done it have a slight
advantage. They have already developed some of the basic skills. And those who are just new, I
thought that I will give you a preview of the previous course and I will just tell you preferably in
a slide as what the entire lecture was. And I am planning to divide this into two introductory
lectures. In the first one, I will try to deal with the first 24 lectures that we had in the previous
course, and in the second one, the remaining 24 lectures will be discussed.
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What did I do in the first week, first module, and first lecture? The first lecture was actually a
kind of course introduction.
And I was trying to tell the students as how to learn from the course. Unlike the other courses,
which were actually giving emphasis on cosmetic touches such as you try to mug up something,
you accumulate some knowledge, you reproduce, and then you try to get a certificate. Now, in
this course also you will get a certificate if you give an exam. But the aim of the course is not
just to make you get a certificate. The aim of the course is to give emphasis on experiential
learning. You need to experience this course.
And I asked them various definitions about what they think about learning, and then my
conclusion, and my thinking about learning is that it should effect a kind of change in your
behavior. And in that sense, in order to change your behavior in a very positive sense and this
skill set that I am going to give you which will help you to develop your overall personality
should help you in modifying your behavior. So, I was discussing in the first lecture itself as how
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you should be prepared, you should be able to receive, and then you should be resilient for
change.
I also said that we will follow a holistic approach including various aspects such as physical,
mental, emotional, psychological, social cultural and spiritual levels. Now this is similar and the
same thing that I am going to follow this time also. And I also told them that they can follow
their own reading method—either they should be consistent (as soon as the videos are uploaded
you can download the videos and then watch them) or you just try to watch at your own pace
(you may watch depending on the preferred mode of time, etc . . . )
But I suggested that you make notes of whatever you are doing, so that you can recollect them
quickly and you can respond to the assignment’s many of you enjoyed writing the assignments.
This time also you will be able to enjoy writing the assignments. And then, the exams will be
easy if you are able to participate in the assignments.
Now in the second lecture, I actually focused on human perceptions.
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And then, try to deal with how to understand people and why perceptions are important, because
soft skills are actually people skills, unlike the hot skills, which will deal with machines,
technicalities. Soft skills are to do with people skills and you should know that 80% of your
happiness is determined by other people. So, you need to work on your soft skills, and develop
your personality, to achieve what you want in your life. But, you need to be sure of, what you
want in your life, and to be clearly purpose oriented, you need to begin with the end in mind.
So, I was fond of telling stories, and I will be fond of telling stories in this also. So, I was telling
some anecdotes, from Stephen Covey’s famous book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,
where he talks about the anecdote of beginning something with the end in mind. So, this is a
preview. So I am not going to get into those anecdotes and stories, but, I am just teasing those
who have not done it, so that, you get back, and then take a look at some of these stories,
anecdotes, which were very interesting. Some of them said that were actually very inspiring also.
Take a look at them.
But, beginning with the end in mind, will actually make you clearly focused. End in mind, in the
sense, for example— If you are doing this course, what do you aim at? Are you just going to get
a certificate, or are you thinking that some of the behavior that you’re struggling to change, you
will try to change, modify, and then make it desirable and pleasant at the end of the course. What
is it that you have in your mind? So, begin anything, any task, with the end in mind.
And then suppose you have to do this course for two months, now decide how you are going to
plan out your assignments? How are you going to read out the lectures? And, with that end in
mind, you will be able to prepare, plan, and execute in a very proper manner. And each day when
you begin a task, you need to begin with the result in mind. You should stop doing any task that
will not add any value to your life, and development of your personality. So the second lecture
was actually dealing with human perceptions, and then why we need to develop soft skills, in
terms of human perceptions and understanding people.
I ended with an interesting quote from Steve Jobs, which we . . . this was believed that he was
keeping this every day, to see, how you should actually focus on the most important task at hand,
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and then you should be able to identify things which you can always do away with that. So he
was asking this question, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am
about to do today?”
And, most of you know that he passed away due to the cancer that was initially thought that will
not be that serious, but then, he eventually had to yield to it. But, then when he came to know of
it, he was asking himself each and every day that since his life time was at premium that
whatever he was doing, so, he was asking that, would you do that if that day happens to be the
last day of his life. This is what is indicated by the thought that begins with the end in mind.
Keep that end goal, and then try to modify your day-to-day tasks.
So, this was discussed in the second one, and in the third lecture. Again, we were continuing
with the human perceptions and understanding people.
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But this time, like I was trying to tell them that by giving various illustrative examples that
perceptions are different, and sometimes even contradictory. You might have heard of people,
the blind men, touching the elephant and then giving different views about elephant, although it
is the same animal. So one has to be very careful and one should know that one can always be
controlled, condition, guided by prejudice, and one should come out of it. Here I again went to
Stephen Covey’s famous quote, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” In
situations where you are likely to get angry with someone or get unreasonably provocative at
somebody’s behavior, so, he suggested that, you try to understand empathize, show empathy. So
this will help you to get a better perception about people.
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In the next lecture, I just provided with the types of Soft Skills and then I talked about Self-
Management Skills. The Self-Management Skill Set that was discussed were about nine, which
include Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Mind-set, Emotional Balance, Stress Handling,
Coping with Failure, Patience, Tolerance and Trustworthiness, Perceptiveness and Spiritual
Intelligence. In fact, I spent more time on spiritual intelligence. I would request you to go
particularly to this lecture if you are more interested in that.
But overall, I concluded with the thought that—“When you develop your emotional intelligence
and live with high spiritual intelligence, your life will be so clear and transparent.
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That even if anyone speaks badly of you no one would believe it!” So that kind of high level of
credibility you will have and that is a life that is worthy of living.
Now in the fifth lecture, the focus was about developing excellence, defining what is excellence,
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and then, what it means to us, and then, how we can use this definition and understanding of
excellence from various psychological theoretic points of view and then how we can develop
potential. Excellence itself, is considered as an outstanding quality of high degree. And then in
the lecture, we were trying to identifying potentiality for excellence. Now pursuing excellence
will help you to strengthen the inner core. In the lecture I also discuss about the law of
abundance and the mind that actually try to think always in terms of poverty. That is poverty of
mind.
Law of abundance is always believing that there is so much for you have your treasure at the
end, and you can take it. Poverty of mind believes that there is always dearth, there is always
scarcity, you have to fight. You have to be in a rat race to get things. So, needless to say, the one
who believes in this law of abundance is optimistic, the other guy is always pessimistic. So, the
choice is made out of fear indicates that you’re working on a poverty of mind or regret versus the
ones which is made out of courage, and the one that ends in fulfillment—it indicates about law of
abundance.
Now, how do we process excellence? How do we actually try to mold ourselves towards doing
that? So in that context, I said that there are two ways— One is like, you can make radical
change, so that suddenly happens. For example, when you are given a new job and then you
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travel and settle abroad, it is a radical change. But, then making constant improvement in terms
of developing certain skills each and every day, improving your reading habit. Okay. So,
whatever it can be, so one can be constant improvement, another one is about making radical
changes. Now both are important for developing excellence.
And then once you are able to do that you should be able to move from one mission or vision to
other enhanced vision and mission. I also talked about the Abraham Maslow’s famous concept of
self-actualization which indicates the highest level of growth need. So normally, we try to grow
based on certain needs associated with the basic needs such as food, shelter, and accommodation;
and then, emotional needs; and then, there are psychological needs; and then comes the social
needs. But finally at the top you have this self-actualization need.
It simply means actualization of one’s potential uniqueness and seeking self-fulfillment. Now
although even according to Maslow only few people achieve self-actualization, it does not matter
that one should not aspire for it because the other way round, the converse, if people are not able
to try this, so, the unreal and un self-actualised people, they remain very unhappy throughout
their lives. So, in fact, if you want to be happy you should try to self-actualize your potentialities.
I ended with the famous quote from Maslow which goes like this: “If you plan on being anything
less than you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life.”
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So, keep that in mind in the sixth lecture, the focus was particularly on one aspect of excellence,
that is, need achievement and which is again related to spiritual intelligence.
I referred to David McClelland’s concept about why people want to achieve, and then, why
people are driven. So he focuses on three drives, that is, affiliation, power and achievement. And
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then, he calls as: N or Need-Affiliation, Need for Power, and Need for Achievement. Whenever
there is a desire to excel, he says that people are actually motivated by this drive, by this need for
achievement. In the same lecture, we talked about PQ, that is, Physical Quotient, and then, IQ
Intelligent Quotient, Emotional Quotient, and then, SQ Spiritual Quotient.
I referred to Danah Zohar’s Spiritual Intelligence. And then, discussed about her 12 underlining
principles, which actually do or enhance one’s spiritual intelligence such as: self-awareness,
spontaneity, being vision and value led, holism, compassion, celebration of diversity, field
independence, humility, tendency to ask fundamental question such as: “Why?,” “Why am I
here?”, etc., ability to refrain in case of conflicting situations, positive views of adversity, and a
sense of vocation.
People who develop this spiritual intelligence, people who want to act using self-actualization
need, they generally add from higher motivations. And this was very interesting because most of
us, when we do not want to develop ourselves, we actually act at a very lower level of
motivation. So, living life as a project with sensitivity towards goodness truth and beauty was the
concluding thought in that lecture number six.
In the seventh one, I started discussing about conflict resolution skills because it is a very major
soft skill. And then, I focused on how one can arrive at win-win solution.
So conflicts are disagreements, struggles, fights. But then, they are to be seen a part of life. And
one can be resolving this in a destructive manner as well as constructive manner. But most of it
depends on what to say and what not to say. There are certain types of people who say certain
things which will escalate conflicts and there are some who always say things which will
eliminate conflicts. If conflicts are not resolving in a very normal, amicable manner, there are
three levels in which one tries to achieve a win-win solution: first, by negotiation, then, by
mediation, or by arbitration.
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Arbitration— a third party interferes. Overall, I was trying to tell them that you should end any
conflict in a win-win situation with the win-win attitude, and peace and harmony comes by
solving the conflicts not from running away from it.
So I concluded with the thought that peace comes not from the absence of conflicts but from the
ability to cope up with it.
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In the next two lectures, what we did was we looked at some interpersonal conflicts. And then, I
try to help them as how to resolve conflicts by looking at both sides and giving contingency to
the third side that always is missed by both sides. So, conflict resolution skills and process we
discussed, and then, we, in fact, analyzed two conflict situations—two case studies—one that
happened between husband and wife, another that happened between father and son. And then,
in the subsequent lecture, I discussed the solutions to two conflicts at interpersonal level. The
students use the forum also to discuss about this which I will explain to you when we go to the
other lectures. That there will be a very active forum you can discuss sometimes like situations
like this I will throw something and then you can think about it and then discuss with the other
friends in the forum.
In lecture 10, I was just trying to give suggestions as how one can become a conflict resolution
expert.
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So, I discussed other ways of resolving conflicts, and then, the particular way of emphasizing
need—instead of demanding solution, instead of telling somebody to vacate the room, leave the
room. So, if somebody says that I need to study this in a peaceful environment—so that is need
assertion, instead of demanding somebody to resolve, solve things in one’s own manner. And
then, we talked about types of conflicts, particularly intra/interpersonal, and then intra/intergroup
conflicts, and then I told them that the toughest one is the intrapersonal one. That is the conflicts
which are within, and then, why is that some people generally see conflict in a negative
perspective, and, why can’t they see this in a positive perspective.
If he can see this in a positive perspective, it will only help in increasing productivity, intimacy
in relationships, and growth for self. So—there are types like, in terms of resolving conflict, so
you may have avoiding people, accommodating people, attacking or collaborating, as well as
competing and compromising types of people. But, when you become an expert, you need to
embrace conflicts, instead of running away from that. And, you need to test your abilities, to
resolve them. Conflicts—you should understand that they are hidden opportunities, to strengthen
your personality, and develop harmonious relationships.
Two aspects, which are important for your personal, as well as professional success. So after
conflict, I focused on stress, the types of stress.
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And then, I try to cause some kind of self-awareness about stress. So stress, as you understand is
a kind of imbalance between situational demand and individual supply. So, there is
overwhelming demand on you, and then your supply is limited in terms of time, in terms of
resource, in terms of your motivation to do some work. Now all people, all living things get
stressed. So, I was giving examples of even animals and plants which get stressed, and then I
talked about Good stress, that is Eustress and then Bad stress that is Distress.
And then, we try to understand how we can use good in a favorable manner and how we should
minimize the bad stress, that is, distress.
And, that continued in the next lecture about regulating stress, and making the best out of stress.
Now, this is important to remain cheerful, and for competing jobs in time and for creating time
for new jobs or even if you are not having any stress, you can just spend time with family, relax
with friends. So, developing personal health habits, staying fit, eating in time, and sleeping well
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at night are important for removing stress. And, being mindful in whatever you do, and working
with a plan and making frequent breaks from your work. So, this will also reduce stress.
I also concluded the lecture with some simple tips, for quick relief from stress, such as taking a
cold or hot shower, talking to your friend, walking in a natural setting, listening to
favorite/soothing music, deep breathing, watching a favorite movie, reading a favorite novel, or
pages from motivating book, going to a temple, or going to a place where you simply find peace,
shopping in a mall, eating your favorite food, and laughing.
So, all these things, can give you quick relief from stress. Stress relief is very important, because
as I said, this is another aspect of your personality. When an employer looks at you, if he knows
that even you are able to handle very conflicting situations without stress, so, he will see you as a
kind of resource, than a person who gets stressed frequently and he’s seen as a kind of liability
by the employer.
After that, I spent quite considerable amount of time in terms of habits. I started with habits, and
some guiding principles about habits.
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Habits are (unconscious) behavioral responses to stimuli. So, sometimes you think that you are
doing certain things spontaneously, but then, there is an external stimuli, something is provoking
you to do something, and then you rather do it unconsciously. I cleared some presumptions
associated with, such as people think that you can form habits very easily and then you can also
change them easily. But, not all habits are easily formed, especially the good ones.
It takes time to form good habits, and it’s very easy to form bad habits, so, I was trying to focus
more on eliminating this bad habits because, bad habits even if changed, it will leave an indelible
mark on your character. In this context, I told a very interesting story, story of the nail on the
wall. It is a story that was appreciated by many of the participants last time. So, if you are
interested, I would say that go to lecture 13, and just find out what is that story, and why you
should not form bad habits.
Now, in the next lecture, I was trying to identify, how you can form good, as well as how you are
forming bad habits. Here again, I told them another story. Again it’s a very interesting story. I
would like you to get back to this lecture 14, and then see what was there in the story, but then
sufficient to tell you, most of the habits whether good or bad or actually formed by peer group
influence and/or environment.
So, we see somebody doing something around us, and then we feel that we can also do that, even
we do not know whether it is good or bad initially. Smoking for example, so one person sees that
everybody else is smoking, and what is the harm in I smoking and it starts just like that. Maybe,
it stops when the person realizes that he or she has got cancer, but then initial forming, so, it
starts in a very simple innocuous manner, where it’s starting because of peer group influence.
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But much depends on the individual perception and belief to retain a good habit or to change a
bad habit. So, I gave another story about, The Mother Who Loved Her Son So Much!—to
indicate that forming bad habits are dangerous and extremely harmful. So it is better to nip a bad
habit in the bud itself.
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Now, in the next lecture, I focused on habits, the Habit Cycle. So, the habit cycle actually is
starting like Thoughts/Stimulus and then, Action/Reaction, Reward/Punishment, and then Habit
formation happens. This tries to determine your Character/Personality. Again, you try to Act/
React and in terms of Success or Failure, your behavior will determine your future. Now, the
decision to change often, will be a very crucial one. I talked about the character Raju’s decision
to change, in the novel, R. K. Narayan’s Guide.
And then, I also tried to prove that Circumstance do not make a man; it rather reveals him.
Writers like William Golding asserts that “The Beast is within us”. But, R. K. Narayan implies
that “The God is also within us”. So, I concluded with the thought that— The ability to form bad
habits as well as good habits lies within us. The choice is ours!
And then, the next lecture focused on breaking bad habits. So I started with a question that why
is that some people are able to change their habits in a lightening second and others are not able
to do that in ages. So, the answers lies within us. Our own perceptions of reality, correct or
incorrect, and the way we use dopamine, that is, a chemical that induces pleasure in a
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constructive or a destructive manner. In a constructive manner you can use it to challenge you.
So, that helps you to get a kind of pleasure satisfaction. In a destructive manner, you can use that
to develop addiction for something and that kills you. So, dopamine really forms a crucial role in
forming additive habits. Bad habits are usually formed in those circumstances where it is easy to
seek pleasure by which you are also able to avoid painful or disagreeable experiences.
I introduced a very interesting concept: the Zeigarnik effect, which highlights a compulsive need
to complete something. The effect is that human nature always wants to finish whatever it
started. So, if something is remaining unfinished, incomplete, so, there is a kind of dissonance—
that is a kind of discomfort that we feel. So we always want to go back to the thing and then we
always want to finish it. So, don’t leave anything incomplete. In a good, as well as in a bad
sense, it can affect you.
Now, in the next lecture, that is lecture 17—
So, I was trying to say how we can use this for productivity. So, for example, if you start a bad
habit and then you leave in between again you will go back to that and then you will continue.
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But then, if you start a good habit. Okay, for example, reading a good novel. So, even if you
leave in between you will feel like going back and then continuing that. So that was the habit that
I was saying that you should inculcate that if you start, you should finish it, and do not leave it in
between. And this is an important growth habit that you need to inculcate in your personality.
And this knowledge also helps in beating procrastination. So you should realize that it is just the
starting trouble; once you start somehow, you will finish it anyhow. It is most of the times, you
do not start, and once you start working, you know that this Zeigarnik effect is acting on your
mind and it’ll not let you leave something incomplete. And if you leave it you will really feel a
lot of dissonance, discomfort, and then anxiety.
Now the other way around, why should you use it for productivity? Because, the unfinished tasks
—they occupy huge amount of your mental energy. So, don’t let it occupied by tele-serials or
video games. So, use it for fruitful ones that will help you to develop your intrinsic qualities, and
then, that will help you to develop excellence in any activity. You can rewire your brain to see
completions as it takes you to resolution of tension and adds to the feel good factor if you are
able to complete the work.
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In the eighteenth lecture, I was finally trying to conclude the thought on habits about forming
success habits. So, the most important thing I suggested was you replace a bad habit with a good
habit. Okay, so if you sleep late you just try to replace that by getting up early in the morning
automatically your late sleeping will stop. So, just replace a bad habit with a good habit. So
unfinished tasks will hang heavy in your brain causing you less space for focusing and
concentrating on new activities, so clear all this unfinished one, and follow the successful habits
of highly successful people.
What are they? Very quickly—be extremely hard-working. Do extra work with a smile, even if
you don’t get paid. Never look at your watch and work. Work till you complete, so that your
mind stays calm and you can sleep peacefully each night. Focus on the most important goal.
Never spend more time on something that can be completely avoided. Concentrate 100%, you
will finish it faster than the rest!
Now, communication is the next set of lectures that I gave, particularly, starting with listening,
the lecture number 19 focused on the significance of listening. I looked at listening as a very
active, integral part of communication. I started by clearing certain misconceptions about
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listening. Things like people think that to be a good speaker you don’t have to be a listener, but it
is not so. And then, people think that speaking consumes energy not listening. And then, people
do not have a clear distinction between hearing and listening. So, hearing is physical, while
listening is mental activity that involves reception, selection, organization, assimilation,
interpretation, evaluation, and response. So, the first step to become a good listener is to keep
one’s mind open and free from any prejudice.
In the next lecture, I followed this listening discussion, and then, I particularly focused on active
listening. All good communication is about good listening. And good listening is actually active
listening, which is demanding energy, and which is very purposeful, powerful, and productive.
Active listening is whole body listening. It’s not just ear listening, it’s eyes watching. Heart even
feeling compassionate and all that.
I ended with some very interesting tips for becoming an active listener just as being courteous
and considerate to the speaker; not interrupting; minimizing self-talk, and even using silence.
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In the next lecture, I focused on the barriers to active listening. So, the barriers can be physical
such as the external noise or even inside chats. But then the people related barriers are the most
problematic ones that could be physiological or psychological. Physiological is the one like
dealing with your height. So, for example, if you have a severe headache, you do not feel like
listening to that lecture.
Or, if it is extremely cold weather, you don’t want to talk to someone in that method and so on.
So psychological barriers are more problematic, and then combined with that, I discussed about
other barriers such as partial listening, disinterestedness, and then showing hatred for the speaker
or showing love for the speaker—both cases it will act as a barrier. So, it will lead to positive
bias or influence once deep-rooted beliefs will also work against one’s receptivity in terms of
listening.
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I concluded with the thought that speak in such a way that others love to listen to you listen in
such a way that others love to speak to you.
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Now, the next set of lectures focused on telephone communication. And because that is also
related to listening, and particularly, basic telephone skills, and then, slightly advanced ones, and
then, in general, overall telephone skills were the ones by which I concluded the fourth week. I
started with discussing about various aspects of telephone communication because phone calls,
or even communication, and you can make or mar it.
This is different from a face-to-face communication where we can see the nonverbal behavior
and then modify but in phone we are not able to see it so we have to be very careful. And to be,
to have some basic skills, I suggested that especially when you get some important calls keep a
pen and paper. So don’t miss important point. Numbers, for example, you need to note it, you
may not remember. Even you think that the other person may not be able to see you, but you
smile, and then, when you smile your voice will be different when you do it.
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And then be patient; don’t rush. Make the other person speak; don’t interrupt. Never lose your
temper. Don’t eat or chew or munch while talking; it will be a very annoying behavior for the
other person to hear. Stop reading or typing when you are talking, give you a full attention, and
then, verbal encouragement such as: “I see . . . ” “tell me more,” “go on,” can be added so that
the other person feels that you are an active listener. And in the next lecture, I focused on
advanced telephone skills.
So where again I try to emphasize that effectiveness needs clarity in communication and active
listening. In order to do that one needs to enunciate clearly words like “frogs” or “frocks,” “lab
staff” or “laptops.” So lot of illustrative examples I gave and then I talked to them about the steps
involved in holding simultaneous calls. Before a call comes, to be in very advanced professional,
I said organize yourself, be prepared, organize the desk, and know your equipment how you can
use the actual phone.
And then I also talked to them about making the phone call properly with the proper beginning,
middle, and also ending a call noting the important information by using a format. I suggested a
format so if you want to again take a look you should go to the lecture. Facing challenges like
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delivering bad news so how do you do that especially on phone? And the most important point is
that in doing all these things you should earn the other’s respect.
Now in the week four, the module six, and the twenty fourth lecture concluded with certain
essential telephone skills where I suggested how one can go to more challenges as a professional.
For example, handling difficult callers or dealing with angry callers, dealing with greedy
customers. And then, there again, I tried to give another essential telephone skill set, such as
managing one’s voice, being an active listener, being cheerful, knowing your caller, replacing
fear with confidence, and then, being polite, avoiding jargons, anticipating problems.
Like the caller may start in a very smooth manner but then one should be prepared if the caller is,
the speaker is, going to put you into some trouble so that you have to be very careful. So, initially
the caller will appear to be very harmless but one should be anticipating problems and you
should always consider calls as opportunities because these are the ones that again helps you
develop your soft skills, again influence somebody, and then again, get something that will
actually enhance your personality.
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So you should be the person anybody wants to talk to, not the person anybody wants to avoid. So
keeping that in mind, so, I just overall gave this module, particularly, on listening as well as on
telephone skills. So, I concluded the lecture with essential telephone skills.
Now, I’ll break this lecture and then go to the next one in which I’ll discuss the remaining
preview, remaining recapitulation of what I did in the previous course; but in the meanwhile, for
further reference—
This course is already available on You Tube channel link in the link that I have given here. You
can take this and you can click and then all the lectures are available. Or you can go to NPTEL
link and then you can just go to the courses. You can download the videos, especially, I am
talking to those who have not even had a look at some of these videos. So those who have done
it, if you just want to recollect, you can go, otherwise, might preview itself is good enough.
Now whether you have done it or not, it’s not going to affect your doing of this course. Okay, but
it’s just I wanted to tell you what I have done before I will not be able to do again. Okay, and
these are what I have done was in terms of basic skills which you should develop at a
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preliminary level. And now, slightly we are going towards the professional level, in which
whatever skills you have developed, we need to look at some more—and these are enhanced
level. Okay, slightly advanced one. So, that is why, I want you to have a look at this one. So,
take your own time and then come back to the next lecture. And, in the next lecture, I am going
to cover the remaining topics that I discussed in the previous course Developing Soft Skills and
Personality.
I thank you for your patience, thank you so much for watching this for a long time. I assure you
that other videos would not take this much time this is just like half of the course has been told to
you in one lecture. In the other lecture, I am going to give you the remaining half, with that you
get a glimpse of what I did before, and then, with that we will start a fresh. And that time, it will
be just half an hour each lecture.
Thank you once again, look forward to meeting you in the next lecture!
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Course Title
Lecture - 02
Introduction-2: Highlights of Developing SS Course-25-48
by…
Hello! Hai, Everyone! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
This is the first week, second unit, this is the second lesson.
And, we are in the introduction, and this is the second introduction I am giving, and as I was
telling you, I am trying to give you an overall preview of the previous course, that most of you
have done under the name Developing Soft Skills and Personality. Now, why it is important to
talk about that course, before beginning this, because that was done at a very basic fundamental
level. Some of you, who are doing this have not done it, and some of you who have done it, may
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benefit, even by a quick overview of the course. So, what I did in the previous introduction, I
actually gave a quick recapitulation of the first 24 lectures.
Okay, in which we discussed about various aspects of soft skills, as well as developing one’s
personality. In this second part of the introduction, I will try to talk about the remaining 24
lectures, and then to start with, I will be starting with lecture number 25 on 5 th week module
number one. And from this week, actually I started to discuss with you those who have done it
before on technology and communication, particularly about the technological personality that
we are all becoming these days. Overall, the lecture focused on the impact and influence of
technology in communication. I started with the thought, from Donna Haraway’s whether we are
becoming “Cyborgs,” that is— Cybernetic Organisms, because today there is lot of blurring
between the biotic that is the living, and the mechanical that is the nonliving. We became
cyborgs, by treating all media extensions of human faculty as real. Today, there is no distinction
between the eye and the camera, okay.
So, what the video shows you, we believe that is the real one. So, technological components,
define as well as give human identity. Machine is given human treatment, and human is treated
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like a machine. So, to illustrate this point, I gave a very poignant story about “The father’s new
car” and a child who tampered with it. Again, if you want to recollect the story, you need to go
back to lecture number 25, watch the video, especially those who are doing this for the first time
I would say that you can just take a quick look at the story.
And, why I say that the humans are treated like machine— the cyborgian shift is affecting the
mind and the body. Now in this sense, I concluded the lecture with the dot that we need to keep
certain keywords in mind, such as control, benefit, and choice. We need to ask questions like,
who controls technology, who benefits from it, and do we have a choice, or if somebody
choosing it for us, and who is giving him or her the power to choose it, or is it him or her or just
it—just a machine now. With that thought, I concluded with a note from Albert Einstein, the
code goes like this—“I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The
world will have a generation of idiots.”
Before, I started the next lecture on mobile technology and how it is affecting us, I wanted the
audience to think over this point.
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Mobile phone makes you closer to person far from you. Mobile phone makes you closer to
person far from you, but it takes you away from the one sitting next to you.
With this thought, we started with next lecture on mobile personality, and how the influence of
mobile is on human personality, and how mobile has deviated from its main intention. What was
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the main intention of inventing mobile? It was saving time, instead of keeping the phone in a
fixed place. Mobility is given, and then you can be anywhere, and then you can save time. It is
used for help in emergency, it is instantaneous distance connection, and it can keep human
relations intact. So, these were the basic purposes for which, it was found. But, humans have
become “Moborgs”: Mobile Organisms. What are they doing? They are sleeping, playing
games, watching movies, using mobile for checking time, calculation, address and so on.
Mobile addiction or Nomophobia, is something that I discussed in the lecture, and cautioned
people about which can affect you, your overall personality and lead you into something, that we
call it as, obsessive compulsive disorder. That you will be compelled to check your mobile, to
sleep with your mobile, to all the time be anxious, as what updates are happening in your mobile,
in social network, etc.
I ended the lecture with giving some suggestions for becoming human, one should have mobile
free time, one should keep it away sometimes, and treat it as a slave, not as a master, not using it
as a substitute for watch or calculator or map, etc. So, these things are to be done. And some
basic mobile etiquette like, some mannerisms you need to follow, when you use mobile, which
will contribute to effectiveness of your personality. Certain things, I discussed where avoiding
mobile when face-to-face communication is possible. Meaning, if you sit opposite to someone,
and you can talk to the person, why should you text on your mobile?
And, you should be empathetic about others time. In the sense—you should not use mobile
frequently to disturb anybody, at any time, depending on your whims and fancy. You should use
apt caller ringtone, it should not be annoyance to others, and you can always use silent mode, or
switch it off in important places, official transactions where it should not distract others. You can
also use other modes of communication such as email effectively when mobile is not required.
Finally, I concluded with the thought, that your cell phone has already replaced your cameras,
your calendar, your alarm clock, your watch, and your Walkman . . .
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Don’t let it replace your family and true friends! Now, the next lecture, the 27th lecture, in the
5th week module 3, was again on technology and communication, but focused on email
principles.
I tried to tell them, in terms of soft skills and personality development the five Cardinal
Principles, basic fundamental principles you should follow. What are they? Planning,
Preparedness, Persuasiveness, Presentability, Perseverance. Now, I try to show some email
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examples that violated all these principles and ended up causing some disaster, in terms of
communication. All were indicating that the person who sent it, utterly lacked soft skills, and no
sense of personality development. We followed the same thought in lecture 28, and then, I went
to the next level of showing examples of bad emails, okay, how not to send emails.
In fact, I urge those who have not seen those videos, to take a quick look at them, and see what
bad examples are discussed so that, you will be able to identify what makes a good email. Use of
formal salutation was missing. Avoiding excessive use of capital letters was not done, avoiding
slang and colloquial language, avoiding mixing up of two languages like use of Hindi with
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English, and informal communication, it should be avoided. Avoiding text language in formal
communication, showing regard for punctuation, is a very good trait, which was not followed in
the bad examples that I discuss.
They didn’t bother about spelling and grammar also. And mailing only to the concerned person
is another basic norm, instead of sending into a group, when it is not at all required. In the next
two lectures, I just discussed about Netiquette. What is Netiquette? Netiquette, is just a
portmanteau term, combined from net, internet and etiquette. It refers to polite and acceptable
mannerisms for communicating with someone using the internet. So, people become insensitive
while using computers, they more or less start behaving like robots.
No formal training is given for using the internet and sending emails, whereas, those days for
even drafting letters, people were getting formal training, before getting appointed in some
clerical positions. Most of the times, these people, since they do not get any formal training they
ignore the five Ps of soft skills that I just discussed. I ended up the lecture, by giving some basic
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netiquette norms, such as, the receiver should be treated as human being, not as machine sitting
at the other side. Emotions are to be expressed through appropriate words to indicate that, you
are not actually a robot.
You can use emoticons. Words should be appropriately chosen, the right word in the right place
because they can be stored permanently. And sent emails are controlled by the receiver. So one
has to be very careful while sending the email, before pressing that send button and ethical
correctness is always desired.
In the next lecture, I started focusing on communication skills. I started with, why effective
communication is important, and I focused on effective communication because, an effective
communicator is the one who will always lead. And people will be happy if they are able to
communicate effectively. Most of the heart breaks, most of the suicides, all happen because of
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lack of communication. Because, they are not able to communicate their ideas or they are not
able to appropriately communicate their ideas. They are not able to communicate their ideas
effectively and get the desired result.
Communication, however, is a complex interactive process involving shared assumptions and

unspoken agreements! So, frequent miscommunications are possible. Effective communication
is your ability to cause the intended and desired response. Using communication in an effective
manner, you should be able to get what you want in your life, through making people work for
you, in the way you intend them to work in the manner you want them to cause the response that
you want. I ended up the lecture, by talking about basic communication process, which can be
simply asked in the question who sends what to whom, through which channel, with what effect.
So, sender is the one sends, to whom the receiver to the channel with what effect, so that is the
feedback. The components of communication were also discussed such as, Conciseness and
Clarity, Conviction and Confidence, Genuineness, Interest, Empathy and Timing Sense, Brevity
and Effectiveness. In the next lecture, I focused on barriers to communication, particularly the
ones which arise out of sender and receiver’s personality.
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So, barriers, actually act as physical, mental, emotional, psychological blocks and they result in
failure of communication or miscommunication. So, in terms of the ones which arise out of
sender receivers personality, often it could be, because of the encoding/decoding issues, where
there is no sharing of a common code, or the language that is used, is not used within a common
frame of reference, again here, very interesting examples have been discussed to make these
concepts clear. I would suggest that you take a quick look.
Personality barriers are psychological in nature. So, difference in barriers are often overlooked,
because people normally take the commonality in communication for granted. So, difference in
perception on the factors, which caused barriers were also discussed, and then like, I started
discussing about overcoming strategies, such as the use of empathy, in situation where there is
psychological blocks. In the next lecture, the focus was on interpersonal transactions.
Again, what are the barriers which act? And how we can overcome them? So, limited frame of
reference could be a problem. Emotional interference is a problem. Positive emotions, as well as
negative emotions can be interference. So, negative emotions can be much more dominant than
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the positive ones. Overcoming strategies: For example, removing fear of change, choosing the
right psychological moment will all help in communicating effectively.
Various types of language barriers were discussed. And, then in terms of use of words,
sometimes, same words will have different cultural meanings. Same letters will have different
grammatical meanings. We discussed these examples and overcoming strategies—making the
context clear will help, using nonverbal correlatives, seeking clarifications, so that will help you
to overcome. I also concluded the lecture with technological barrier. We talked about, how
technology itself can act as a barrier and some of the overcoming strategies like use of
appropriate medium. As, I said before, do not use mobile, when you can use email, and do not
use email, when you can just go and talk to somebody face-to-face.
Avoiding excessive misuse of media, should also be one of the overcoming strategy.
In the next lecture, I again focused particularly on miscommunication. Miscommunication

actually happens because of the misperception between either the sender, or the receiver, or both.
And, then we discussed about instances of action transaction failure, by looking at some
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example. Before that, I talked to them about the Communication flowing through formal
channels like, Downward Horizontal, and Upward and in the Forms of Communication Flowing
Through Formal Channels, in the form of Written Oral and Electronic. And the barriers to
information flow in organizations: Starting with the Administrative hierarchy, long lines of
communication, too many transfer stations, and lack of trust, etc.
We looked at some very interesting illustrative example for—Message Distortion in Downward

Communication and Miscommunication in Product Evolvement. Take a look, you will enjoy
looking at them. In the next two, I started introducing Non-Verbal Communication.
In instead of introducing nonverbal communication in a theoretic mode, what I did was, I just
tried to give a kind of free-thinking assessment, in which I will be able to know like, what is
important at the basic level, which should be imported and the readers, the viewers, were able to
understand their level. So, we had two lectures, lecture 35 as well as 36, and it was completely an
assessment of what they know about body language, and the assessments were done for checking
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their existing knowledge about body language and to clear certain misconceptions about non-
verbal communication.
We had a simple true or false way of doing this assessment, and many enjoyed, and then many
responded to that in a very positive manner.
Now in the next lecture, I introduced non-verbal communication, as well as I talked about the
importance of non-verbal communication. Non-Verbal communication as all of you know is
communication without words. It is using images, symbols, signs, gestures, facial expressions,
postures, etc. And interestingly, we discussed about theorists who say that 93% of
communication effectiveness is determined by body language. So, non-verbal messages, are very
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important, but they are important for reasons like, they are very difficult to hide, they are harder
to hide, and consciously control. So, they are more accurate indicators of how a person feels,
they are dealing with emotions, not with reason.
And they are the truth tellers of what you feel inside. I discussed about the functions of
nonverbal communication in this lecture. Some of the basic functions which I discussed where,
they are used for repeating, what is said verbally, they are also used for complementing or
clarifying verbal meaning, contradicting verbal meaning, regulating verbal interaction and
substituting for verbal meaning. Then, I ended up briefly, talking about the debate, whether it is
nature or nurture. So, if you if you have good body language, if it is something that is given to
you by birth, by heredity, by gene, or is it something that you developed from the culture. Now
most of the modern theories in terms of communication or non-verbal behavior; those who deal
with even soft skills, they all believe that it could be nurture, because desired behavior can be
learnt and cultivated you don’t have to worry that. Oh! I cannot emulate certain kinds of
behavior, but, in fact that those behavior which you think should be emulated can be learned and
cultivated. I then focused on certain issues, and types of non-verbal communication. The issues
of nonverbal communication actually pertain to, the voluntary and involuntary aspect of body
language.
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So, voluntary body language deals with formalised gestures, which are unproblematic. But
involuntary body language—actually they deal with subconscious reflections and they are
problematic. The involuntary nonverbal cues, they actually come from the subconscious mind.
Now, there are issues with appearance—for example, people who are attractive or just to be
more intelligent, there is no factual basis to corroborate this, but, it can affect decisions about,
hiring, placement and promotion. And, then I discussed in detail about the types of nonverbal
communication. Started with Kinesics—body movement and gesture, continued with Facial
Expression, Oculesics or eye gaze, Haptics or touch, Proxemics or use of interpersonal space,
Chronemics or time, Paralinguistics—that is vocal cues and silence.
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In the next lecture, I gave a list of basics and universals to do, with non-verbal communication,
but of course, with the caution that, while applying this basic and universal body language,
especially in an Indian context, one has to be very, very careful. Gestures like touching the
elder’s feet, gestures like crossing the arms, can be interpreted in a different manner with a
negative connotation, where we see those gestures in a positive connotation. Feet can be
indicators of attraction, it can indicate withdrawal and dislike and then there are other more
basics and universals indicating openness, defensiveness, insecurity, cooperation, confidence,
nervousness frustration, etc.
Overall, I concluded with the thought that, body language is innate. So what is latent in us can be
manifested by good efforts and practice.
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In the next one, I gave some tips for interpreting non-verbal cues. So, you see certain cues
emanating from others, how do you interpret, how do you classify, how do you infer meaning?
So, there are these three Primary Dimensions, talked about by one famous Mehrabian, so he talks
about Immediacy: that is to do with Liking, Arousal: that is with Responsiveness, and
Dominance: that is with to do with Balance of Power. He also gives this 3Cs, by which you can
identify, that is looking at the Context, Cluster and Change.
So, using this method, we try to see how you can identify a liar. And then, I later focused on the
Challenges of Studying Non-Verbal Communication. Some of the challenges are associated with
its nature that it is Ambiguous, it is Continuous, it is Multi-channel and it is Culture-based. So I
ended with some caution, while interpreting this non-verbal cues, that one should not jump into
conclusions and one should always consider other external factors like temperature, weather, etc.
Appearance can always be deceptive.
So, awareness can help in controlling negative expressions. Develop wide range of nonverbal
behaviors, positive body language is always desirable, and it is something that is required for in
terms of developing soft skills or in terms of getting success in interviews and group discussions
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and all that. So, what are the components, ingredients of this positive body language? Smile,
open posture forwardly, especially while in negotiations or in interviews they say that, slight lean
is indicating your interest, touch, eye contact, gestures and nods.
So, this will indicate that you are positively tuned towards receiving somebody’s dialogue. The
next two lectures, focused on body language for interviews, and body language for group
discussions simultaneously. Now, body language for interviews: I started with preparing one at
mental, emotional and spiritual levels, but apart from that, employees are clearly looking for soft
skills, which comprise many body language traits such as appearance, attitude, personality and
positive outlook.
Now, in order to make that first best impression, one has to keep in mind Punctuality. This is part
of soft skills. Okay! Dress, Hand shake, Body Language, Enthusiasm. You may think that how
does punctuality matter. I am going to talk more about in this Enhancing Soft Skills also when I
talk about Time Management because that is one determinant behavior by which they know so
many things about your sincerity, about your devotion, commitment about the way you are
treating your body itself, your mentality attitude, extra.
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And then I discussed about some Do's and Don'ts: in terms of dress code; in terms of appearance
and use of accessories. Towards the end, I emphasized on firm handshake, eye contact,
appropriate posture, showing enthusiasm throughout, smiling radiating confidence, remaining
calm and collected, leaving with a good feeling.
In the next lecture, I followed saying similar tips but in terms of group discussion, so in that I
discuss about various aspects and components of body language for group discussion and then
focused on Don’ts as well as Do’s. Some of the Don’ts and Do’s that I discussed—Don’ts: Being
anxious to talk too much or nervous and talks little; showing aggressive behavior, arrogant
gestures, distractive body language (biting nails, shaking legs, picking nose, playing with pen).
And Do’s: Maintaining eye contact, smiling, remaining cheerful, open palm gestures, upright
walk, nodding to show agreement.
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And, in the next set of lectures, I focused on presentation skills. Because many participants
wanted this to be a major discussion in the previous course. So, I started with the major issue
many of the viewers were facing, that is, Overcoming Fear: in terms of giving a presentation,
oral presentation or PowerPoint presentation, whatever it is, when you want to give it before
public. I started analyzing like, why people fear, so normally it’s either fear of humiliation or
unfamiliarity about the surrounding or fear for the unexpected, something bad might happen, so
that kind of thinking.
And, some strategic tips which were given about overcoming fear, include the following:
Remaining confident, having a positive self-image, being determined to do something about the
fear, practicing at a small informal level, pumping out the inner resources like adrenaline,
knowing that people don’t really care about what you do, they are buried in their own thoughts,
and all the time you think that they are just looking at you and then they are analyzing your
behavior.
Knowing the subject thoroughly and believing in it, so nothing like thorough knowledge about
the subject that gives you the ultimate confidence, preparing and practicing, and keeping a
relaxed frame of mind, being empathetic to the audience and visualizing your delivery. In fact,
visualize a standing ovation, even before going to the presentation, that will actually give you lot
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of nerves and energy. And then, in the next one, I suggested us, how one should become a
professional presenter; to do this more awareness, so you should go to the venue before time,
view the venue, welcome the viewer.
Master your material, calm your mind, visualize yourself speaking, realize people want a
winning leader, especially when there is a troublesome audience who is going to put you difficult
question, they want you to handle it, they give you the job of leader to you. So, try to tackle it in
an appropriate manner, avoid apologies, focus on your message--not the medium, turn
nervousness into positive energy and gain experience. And, then, I talked about main objectives
of public speaking which are: to entertain, educate, provoke, and then, influence.
So, you need to decide, what you are going to do, which part of this objective you are trying to
target and then, the next important thing that I discussed was about structuring and delivering
one speech. So, usually it should be three or four points; starting strongly and clearly; making
use of anecdotes, summarizing briefly, making it relevant, ending with a positive note. So, this
will all ensure that you are becoming a professional. Just to motivate, I just refer to a quote from
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Christopher Reeve, which goes like this— So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then
they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.
In 45th lecture, on the week 8th, module 3.
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So, I focused on, the role of body language in presentation skills, and then I gave certain tips
related to some of these ideas like, practice before the mirror, so that is very important, so you
see your body language, if anything is unpleasant you can change it, dress appropriately, do not
hide behind the podium, behind the table, maintain eye contact with all, even if they look
unfriendly, so try to maintain. Look at the forehead, if you cannot look eye into eye, do not shift
looks, do not hold onto anything, face the audience, keep the palm open, do not put hands in the
pocket, speak loudly and clearly, maintain a normal pace, never slouch, never turn back to the
audience.
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In the next lecture, the focus was completely about using visuals in presentations. Because
people use visuals, but then they do not know why they are using it. So, I started with the
purpose of visuals, visuals are used to illustrate key points, they are used for reinforcing verbal
message and they try to stimulate audience interest. The visuals will try to focus on audience
attention, not in distracting them. So, some visual guidelines will also help making your
presentation much more attractive and effective, such as the use of bullet points; suitable font
size, so that anybody from the last bench can also look at what you are giving.
Checking spelling, visibility, avoiding standing between the projector and the screen so that your
shadow is seen, not the PPT. Presentation practicalities need to be looked into, such as, emailing
the presentation in advance, or keeping a hard or spare copy, and then rehearsing with a
computer in which you are going to give the presentation. The lecture ended with, some final tips
such as, using topics from one’s own experience; developing narrative skills. All the people, you
want to hear a story, so, if you give the same presentation in the form of a story, people would
like it, rather than giving it in a very monotonous manner. Speaking with the purpose and making
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it clear to the audience, using anecdotes and funny facts, overall communicating clearly and
effectively and at the end of it, trying to develop your own style.
So, once you develop your own style, so then you will have your own fans. Now, the last two
lectures were rather special, because the last, but one, the 47th one focused on reading skills. It
was completely on effective reading.
Reading is very important, if you want to develop yourself as a speaker or a writer. So, I started
with some good techniques, such as, previewing, sampling which will help you to eliminate what
you do not want to read and choose the one you like to read. Talked about other techniques like,
skimming, so in which you can glance through the keywords, this is useful for going through
newspapers, magazines, travel brochures, etc. Scanning which is reading a text quickly in order
to find specific information, such as, looking at the name, year or a figure, and then using
clustering for improving your speed rate of reading, reading words in groups, for quick and full
comprehension and then close reading, that is reading for appreciation, which is used in literature
or philosophy. One line from a play: “To be or not to be” by Hamlet in Shakespeare’s Hamlet so
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you can talk about that 2, 3 hours, why did he say that and the use of that grammatically, the use
of repetition of words etc., etc.
So, words are analyzed for inner and in-depth meanings in close reading. Overall, I ended the
lecture, with the suggestion that, you should develop addiction for reading, and that is a very
good positive addiction. Somebody said, read anything 5 hours a day, soon you will become
learned. And then, use this Zeigarnik Effect, read something to finish it, and then reading,
finishing, whatever you have started. So, will give you confidence, and make you read complex
materials, tougher ones, by which your level of thinking will also keep on increasing. The last,
but not the least lecture, was on human relations, developing trust and integrity.
We started with human perceptions, the course ended with human relations, and why there was
emphasis on developing trust and integrity. Because all the soft skills that you will develop and
what our personality that will develop, will be of no use. If, you cannot gain this trust and
integrity in human relations, because human relations, will contribute to your success or failure,
whether you are going to live happily or whether you are going to live a remorseful life it is the
human relationships that will determine.
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So, the Golden Rule is to: Treat others as how you wanted to be treated by others! Give respect,
and then you will get respect, give love, will get love back. But, the most important thing that I
was emphasizing is, never to break the trust of someone built for years, whether in professional
or personal level and do not let someone down in impulsive moments which you will regret
forever throughout your life. Be careful, and the other point I emphasized was circumstance does
not make you; but reveals you.
If you say that, Oh! because, people around me or the situation was like that so I behaved in that
mean manner, so it is not the situation, not the circumstance, it was in you, that was revealed in
that situation or circumstance, and if you decide to betray someone, ought to give an unfair
treatment, ask yourself whether that person would do the same to you in the given circumstances.
If the answer is no, you should not do this at all to that person. It will be completely unfair, it is
unbecoming of your personality and developing your soft skills.
Overall, people can forget things, but they can never forgive the wrong-doings! And people will
always remember the way you treated them, people may not remember the words you speak.
They will forget whatever you speak to them after some time, but they will always feel that or
whenever they met you, you left them with a good feeling, there was a positive thinking and they
had a very fulfilled, satisfied feeling, whenever they came in touch in you, whenever they
contacted you. So, they had a feeling that you will resolve their problems, and you never created
problem for them.
So, that trust, that integrity, will go a long way in developing your soft skills and personality.
With that note, the course ended and that I at the end also, I said that, we will begin the next
course very soon, and that is the course that we are in now, that is on, Enhancing your Soft Skills
and Personality. Now the idea was, while talking about developing soft skills and personality, it
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was to focus more on personal, and professional skills and this course Enhancing Soft Skills and
Personality. The idea is to focus more on interpersonal and management skills. Although, this is
just for the sake of understanding them, in clear cut, categorical way of looking at them. But, you
also know that these are skills which might overlap, okay, there are blurring, so you cannot put
them into watertight compartments and they say that oh! this is management, this is not
professional and all that.
For the sake of differentiation, they are different, and then slightly enhanced in the sense that
these basic ones, such as forming good habit, such as maintaining integrity or not the ones that I
am going to talk about now, but slightly at a higher level. So, in the previous one, I said that we
should be able to work at a higher level of motivation. So, to reach that higher level, how are we
pitching in the next course Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality? So, once again, I welcome
you, look forward to your continuing with the course. So, these two introductory lectures,
actually gave you a good glimpse about what I have done before.
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Now, the next lecture will not be this long, as I was telling you, it will follow this 30 minutes or
so pattern and then it will continue in the same manner, we will be able to easily get a concept
and then understand that and respond to that. Thank you so much, for watching this very
patiently, I am ending this with further reference, which I gave it in the previous one.
So, you can just go to the YouTube channel link, and then download all the videos, or go to
NPTEL link, download the videos, watch it, whenever you want. Whenever, I make a reference,
or like there are some students who just keep on watching it within a week and then finish off, it
is up to you, but as I was telling you, watching it will make you fine tune, towards the course that
we are going to do and those who have done it already, in case you missed some part of the
previous one, now is the time to take a quick look, before we actually go to the next one. Thank
you so much! Have a nice day!
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Nation Programme on Technology Enhanced Learning (NPTEL)
Course Title
Lecture-03
Mind Set -1 Definition and Types
By
Dept of Humanities and Social Sciences
Hello! Everyone. Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. This is
given to you, from IIT Kanpur, I am Ravichandran.
(Refer Slide Time: 23.6)
Giving this in the format of NPTEL MOOC, this is the first week of the course, we started with
introduction to the course, and the introduction was actually in the form of giving you a
summary of the course, that most of you have done before, that was, Developing Soft Skills and
Personality. Two lectures are over, and in the first two lectures, I just gave a brief overview of
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what most of you have done before, and what some of you have not done it. But then, just to give
them an idea, as what all others have done in this course so far. So that overview was given, and
then the importance of developing soft skills was established. Now, in a sense, although this
appears to be the third unit, and the third lesson, strictly speaking this is going to be the first
lesson, in which, I am going to introduce the concept that is relevant for this course that is
Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
In this unit, I am going to introduce a very interesting concept mindset, and this is the first of the
lessons, in which you will be studying about mindset. What is mindset? Now, before I answer
that question what is mindset?
Let us look at, some of the differences, in outlook that is prevailing among people. Now, look at
some of the examples, that I am going to quote and then try to see, what differentiates the
attitude or outlook of the persons involved in the following cases. Now, in the first case, a
famous shoe company sent two of its representatives to an island, to explore the chance for
establishing the new unit. The first representative, as soon as he reached the island, said in a very
regretful tone, he sent the message—“No chance since nobody wears shoes in the island!”
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Whereas, the second representative, as soon as he reached the island, said in a very elated tone,
he was very happy and sent the following message saying, that “Splendid opportunity since no
one wears shoes!” If you look at it, the same situation, the same place, two different people, now
why, one is thinking that, it is completely lacking in opportunity and another one is just jumping
in joy and then thinking that it’s full of opportunity. What is it? Now, look at the other examples,
looking at a rose garden, one person said, “So beautiful, full of roses! But as the other person
remarked: “So frightful, full of thorns!” Again, the same rose garden, what is it making these two
people, telling different things? Same sun, one person felt that it was scorching heat and causing
him lethargy, the other person found it very warm, pleasant and energetic! The same rain that
was falling on all the people, one person found it very depressing and unwelcome. He was
wondering one rain would leave him. The other person found it refreshing and most welcomed
and he started writing a poem.
Now, the same objects, same situation, same environment, why is it that people are responding in
different ways? What is it making them look at the same thing differently? The answer is, the
different lies in mindset. Now, what is mindset?
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After looking at various definitions, instead of giving you all the definitions immediately, I just
thought that, I will put you in a proper frame to understand what is mindset, by giving a very
overall comprehensive view of mindset. As I understand mindset: It refers to one’s attitude,
one’s idea, notion, disposition, inclination, intention, habit, tendency, propensity, outlook,
worldview, philosophy of life, way of thinking, way of observing or way of interpreting.
Perspective, mood, state of mind, mentality that conditions one to act or respond in a manner that
tells upon the personality of a person. What I am trying to tell you, it could be your attitude, it
could be the idea that you have in your mind, it’s the notion, right notion, wrong notion,
disposition, your tendency, your propensity to do something, and inclination something that is
coming naturally, spontaneously in you to do something, the intention that you have, something
that you have formed as a kind of habit, something that has developed as a kind of outlook, a
worldview, a philosophy of life.
That’s the way you look at things, in general, your way of thinking, your way of interpreting, the
way even you observe things, like, if you look at the example in the rose garden, one person was
observing only the thorns, the other person was observing only the flowers. So, the way you even
observed, the perspective that you have, you can look at sun as scorching, you can see sun as
something that is very warming, energetic.
The mood that sets in you, the same environment rain can make you feel depressive, can make
you feel very inspired and write a poem. The state of mind, the mentality, the conditions want to
act or respond in a manner that tells upon the personality of a person. Now, the way you think,
the way you act on the environment, the way you respond is actually telling what you have inside
your mind. The belief that you have, and that is about what I try to call as mindset.
In fact, it’s not me who is trying to call it, it’s been already used and then popularized by one
very famous psychologist Carol Dweck. I will talk about her, sooner or later. But, before we
discuss about her book, look at some dictionary definitions of mindset. The free dictionary.com
talks about mindset as, “a habitual or characteristic mental attitude that determines how you will
interpret and respond to situations.” It’s a habitual or characteristic mental attitude.” Which
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means that, even you don’t think much about it, you have already patterned, okay, that is the way
you will behave, your behavior in a given circumstance is becoming very anticipatory that
determines how you will interpret and respond to situations. Cambridge Online Dictionary says
that, “it’s a person’s way of thinking and their opinions.” The way a person will think, and the
way a person will give his or her opinion.
So, that amounts to mindset. If you slightly go back and look at how the word actually originated
and if you look at the history of mindset, it meant habits of mind formed by previous experience.
So, your own experience, you look at somebody, whom you had some kind of faith, but then you
learned that, that somebody actually cheated you. Now, you have an experience of
disappointment, betrayal, and then, every time in future when you look at a similar person you
tend to develop a stereo type of that facial or that kind of person’s physical structure. And you
try to associate that and your mind has formed a kind of habit to think negatively about that kind
of person. So habits of mind formed by previous experience accounts for mindset.
How do you identify certain types of mindset?
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In fact, you can use mindset to any kind of habit, any kind of behavior, any kind of attitude that
is shown, you may have a defence or offense mindset. So, if you have a defence or defensive
mindset, so, you generally try to avoid conflicts. Even, while driving, you can be on the
defensive or on the offensive, if you are on the defensive, you generally give way to others who
want to overtake you, you are not in a hurry, you just, you go in a normal speed. And, even if
somebody is coming in front, so, you are willing to wait, till the person goes, although, the one
who comes in the front is coming in a very aggressive manner, it doesn’t matter for you. If you
have an offense mindset, you are aggressive, so, you want to dominate, you want to put forward
your views first, you want to be hurt, you want to establish that you know, you should be first,
and you should be on the center stage, so you want to start everything first.
And, you want the other person to be a passive receiver. You can have an environmentalist
mindset, so, if you have that kind of environmentalist mindset, you have a concern for the
environment, so you know that plastic is harmful. So when you go to the shop, you avoid taking
materials on a plastic bag, and then you go for shopping with your own bag, or you go for paper
bags, or you can go for anything that can be easily disposed and recycled, but, not that will harm
the environment.
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So, you will look forward to spending time in a natural surrounding and all that, if you have a
technological mindset, you may believe in the technological singularity, that technology is going
to dominate and technology is going to overpower everything else in the world. So, it is a
mindset, because you have your own beliefs, you have your own experience, thought process to
think so. You may have the same mindset of so many people, who are in the class, who are in a
group, you may have different mindset than the rest of the people.
Most of the geniuses if you look at, so, they always thought ahead of the peer group, and they
had different kind of mindset. You may have positive mindset, you may have negative mindset,
you may have this abundance mindset or the poverty mindset or scarcity mindset. Even in
previous course, I talked much about this. The abundance mindset and the scarcity mindset:
when you have abundance mindset, you always believe that you will always have your own
treasure.
You don’t have to fight with others, if you work hard, you will get your reward. In the scarcity
mindset, there is a thinking that, resources scarce, so you have to be in the rat race, you have to
fight with others, and to get even what you actually deserve to get. So, in that kind of thinking
there is cutthroat competition, a very negative way of looking at other people, whereas, in the
abundance mindset, the competition is healthy in the mindset that is poverty, or that is believing
in the scarcity of resources.
So, one thinks that only by killing the other persons all energy and enthusiasm, so this person can
establish himself or herself. You also have growth mindset, that you tend to take a mindset of the
group, okay, when you are not in the group, you tend to behave in a different manner. There may
be public mindset, as opposed to private mindset, there is press mindset. So, generally, when we
talk about press mindset, we know that how press is just focused on highlighting something and
there are times, that you see all newspapers, all media channels, will carry one single news
throughout, as if nothing else is happening in the world. So, the press mindset is to be harping on
something, focus on something, and then blow it up out of proportion. So, generally, we sort of
associate, a kind of negative connotation to press mindset and so on. But, the most important
mindset that you need to know, and that I am going to introduce this and that is very relevant for
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developing, as well as enhancing your soft skills and personality, is about, developing growth
mindset as against fixed mindset.
So, the most important mindset type that we will be discussing in this course is on fixed and
growth mindset. I will tell more about fixed and growth mindset in the coming lecture, but again,
before we go to that, I just want to tell you about the importance of mindset as such. Can we
escape having a mindset? First of all, no! All of us have mindsets, okay! So, even as I talk to you
I have my own mindset, I have my own opinion, views, perspective of even looking at this
course. Now, you may have your own mindsets when you are receiving things. So, all of us have
our own mindsets; and we work according to our own assumptions, our own perceptions, our
own opinions— which are formed from our previous experiences or knowledge gained from peer
group, whether we gather experience and form our own opinions, or we accumulate knowledge
from the peer group.
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So, we take inferences from them and then act accordingly. We develop our own group mindset.
So, all of us have mindsets and if you ask me the question, whether it is good or bad to have a
mindset, first of all, you understand, that such a question is irrelevant. Once I have said that, all
of us have mindsets. So, all of us possess it, but what is the relevance of asking such a question
whether it is good to bad, whether it is good or bad to have a mindset.
Instead of asking that, one should realize that either we should have good mindset or bad mindset
or is there something like that. To answer that I would say that, having a mindset, instead of
putting relative terms as whether it is a good mindset or a bad mindset. Having a mindset in
general, that results in favorable things around you. Okay! That will give you favorable results,
and positive response from the people around, is always desirable, in that sense. So, we are
always interacting with our circumstance, we are always interacting with people around us, the
environment. In the interaction, if you get favorable positive response, so whatever mindset you
have maybe a desirable one.
However, a mindset that brings in poor results and appear to be harmful to the people around,
may not be desirable! A mindset of a dictator, the mindset of a serial killer, so these are all going
to harm the society as such. And, then even with scarcity mindset, if you are supposed to work in
a group, so you will always try to pull down others. Even, if they are better than you, you will
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not learn from them. So, the harmful mindset, if I can elaborate more on that can eventually
develop a kind of mental inertia and it gets frozen or fossilized and yields to a paradigm.
So, what do I mean by having a harmful mindset? Anything that develops in the form of a mental
inertia, which means after sometime, the mind will not progress, the mind will not think further,
it gets frozen, it is not in a state of flux or thoughts get fossilized and you cannot change the
pattern of thinking at all, and it yields to a paradigm, a pattern, which will result in actually
patterning of behavior and repeated responses.
So, time and again you will not change, you will not alter, you will not learn from a failed
behavior, so you will continue to do the same thing, because, the mindset has let itself into a
mental inertia. In short, we can say that it has already become fixed mindset, so, it become fixed
and then, there is inertia that has developed, and it is not able to grow further. This is where, I
would like to introduce the famous book by Carol Dweck.
Carol Dweck is a world-renowned Stanford University psychologist and based on her research
on achievement and success published in 2006, her path-breaking book, Mindset: The New
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Psychology of Success. What is her focus on the book? She differentiates people with growth
mindset and those with fixed mindset. Since fixed mindset people believe that their abilities are
fixed, so, they cannot change, they do not flourish in life, whereas, growth mindset people, as
they believe that their abilities can be developed through hard work, good strategies, and
mentorship, contribute to outstanding achievements. Now, the entire book is dedicated to how
one should develop this. What are the limitations in keeping a fixed mindset and all that?
Again, we will discuss those things in the coming lessons. But, before I go to that, this another
interesting thoughts on how to check whether you have a growth mindset or you have a fixed
mindset—and this is from Chloe Chong:
So, I have given the detail at the end of this lecture, if you want you can just even go to the link
and it is available online and it is in the form of an interesting info graphic. So, it is in the form
of pictures. The contents thought is something that goes like this— that tries to differentiate the
fixed mind people with growth mindset people. There are eight points. Now, just see where you
fit?
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So, the fixed mindset people normally try to avoid challenges. So, whenever there is a challenge,
they will try to avoid, they will run away, they will hide themselves. Whereas, the growth
mindset people, they welcome challenges because, they see challenges as opportunity to change
and grow. Fixed mindset people like status quo. So, they hate changes. Any new thing that is
introduced, however new it may be, anything that will bring about change at a personal level,
professional level, they hate it. Whereas, growth mindset people embrace changes, they look
forward to changes. They want to change themselves, change the environment, and make the
place much better than it was before.
Fixed mindset people focus on limitations. They always look at shortcomings, they always look
at drawbacks in a situation. Growth mind set people, look for opportunities. So, remember the
first example I gave; Island people are not wearing shoes— fixed mindset person who went as a
representative thought that this is a major limitation because they cannot have a shoe factory
there, as nobody will be wearing shoes. But, whereas, the growth mindset representative looked
that as, an enormous possibility of opportunity to establish a big unit there, because people are
not wearing shoes; it only needs to tell them the importance of wearing and then make them
enjoy wearing that, and once you make them do and then, there is a huge market and demand for
failing shoes.
Fixed mindset people think that they cannot do anything, to change the situation, so they will not
even do anything. They will not attempt to do anything to change it. Whereas, growth mindset
people think everything is possible even in a tight corner, even in a desperate situation, they will
seek desperate remedies. They will try to find out some way or other to come out of that
situation. Whereas, fixed mindset people think that situation cannot be improved, and then, they
accept it. However, fixed mindset people do not accept criticism, so if anybody criticizes, if
anybody points out some of the limitations, drawbacks, in them, so they will react in a negative
manner. They don’t even accept, they will try to find fault with the other person and then they
will try to snub. They will not receive it. Whereas, growth mindset people; they treasure
feedback, they value feedback, they use feedback to develop themselves and would learn eagerly
from the feedback that is given to them. Fixed mindset people, they always prefer to stay in their
comfort zone, they do not want to try anything new, because they are used to doing something
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the same way, the routine rut that they are used to. So, they do not want to change themselves,
they do not want to try anything by coming out of the comfort zone. Whereas, growth mindset
people, they love to explore new things, they want to try out. So, if something is risky so that is
all the more challenging, they just love to explore new things. Fixed mindset people, think their
efforts are futile attempts, especially in a situation where they are bound to fail, so they may
think that why to try? So, it is futile, it is hopeless to even try; situation will not improve, I am
going to fail anyway. Whereas, growth mindset people, even if they know that there is this risk
of failure, they would fail, because they know that they can learn some failure and they will work
hard to develop themselves to achieve success in future.
They will make the same failure a howling success in the future, so they learn from the situation
that cost them failure. They use new strategies, they will take feedback from mentors, from
people who have already crossed that situation and they will work hard to change that failure into
a huge success. Fixed mindset people—attitude towards learning is different from the growth
mindset people. Fixed mind people: interestingly, they stop learning after school or college. They
think that learning is finished, once your school is over, once your college is over, they think
that, learning is finished, so, if they study till 12th standard, they think that after that they don’t
have to learn anything or if they finish the graduation, they think that by graduation the learning
is over. Whereas, growth mindset people, for them learning is a lifelong process and they keep
learning till the end of their life. In fact, they devote every day, at least one hour upto three
hours, to read new things, to keep themselves up-to-date, to learn what is new what is happening
what is setting the trend what is it that they have not learned so far? what is it that can even learn
something like even a foreign language?. You will see growth mindset people learning even at
the age of 60 or 70 and then they don’t mind learning it even just for the sake of learning or just
for one small visit to a foreign country. Or to just for the fun of watching a movie without getting
it translated, or just reading that novel in the original language. So they keep learning, till the end
of their life. Now, this is a brief catalog, brief way of categorizing fixed mindset people and
growth mindset people, and then you just see, where you fit in, especially if you are fitting in the
fixed mindset people category.
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So, then, you need to realize that, you need to slowly move towards this side growth mindset
people. Again I will tell you, why it should be done and how it should be done in the coming
lecture. But, in the meanwhile, let me conclude this lecture, with a very interesting thought from
the author of this book Mindset-Carol Dweck.
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So, quote-unquote from her, she says— “I have always been deeply moved by outstanding
achievement and saddened by wasted potential” — just think about this. What does she mean by
this? “I have always been moved by outstanding achievement and saddened by wasted
potential”? For further reference, I would suggest, that you may go to the site of Carol Dweck
online and then I have given you the link.
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So, where you can just know brief things about, what is mindset? So, whether you have growth
mindset or fixed mindset, and then if you have time, you can buy the book, read from the book
on your own the book, Mindset itself. And most interestingly, I would suggest that find some
time to watch this TED talk ok there is a video lecture by Carol Dweck. So, watch that lecture
and that’s about “The Power of Believing You Can Improve” meaning you can change from
fixed mindset to growth mindset and then the brief information that I produced is from Chloe
Chong on “8 Signs You Have A Growth Mindset That Makes You Mentally Stronger” is also
available on lifehack.org, which, you can go for further reference and then look at the way it’s
told to you, in a very pictorial manner.
Now, with this thought, on mindset, I would like you to give a deep thought about your own
believes and then your own values and just ask yourself, where are you in terms of mindset? And
then in the next lecture, let us look more about, what you can do, in case you are in a fixed one
and why you should change this fixed mindset? So, see you in the next lesson, until then, Bye!
Have a nice day! And try to change your mindset if it is fixed. Thank you for watching this
video.
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Course Title
Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality
Lecture - 04
Mindset-2 Learning Mindsets
by…
Hello Hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. I am
professor Ravichandran, from the Department of Humanities and Social Sciences, IIT
Kanpur. We are giving this course to you through the format of NPTEL, MOOC. This is the
first week, and fourth unit, and this is the fourth lesson. As far as the concept is concerned,
this is the second topic on mindset, and in this lesson we will focus on learning mindsets. If
you remember what we did in the previous one, I will just try to recapitulate very quickly as
what I did in the last lesson.
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In the last one, I discussed various types and definitions of mindset. Basically, I try to focus
on the definition that mindset is one’s basic belief, mental attitude, habitual way of
interpreting and responding to situations. Often, we do not know that it is our mindset that is
determining the way in which we are giving our opinion, the way in which we are deciding to
choose something, we actually do not know but it is something that we have developed
habitually. We have developed through our experience. Now, the focus on this mindset,
particularly, we talked about various types of mindset, so that helps us in developing our
personality, and skills such as soft skills which are actually appearing to be something that is
trying to exemplify in terms of behavior what we have inside us.
Now, back to mindset—same situation can be responded to in different ways owing to

different mindsets. I gave you the example of rainfall, a rain, that’s falling in some place, one
person is so inspired to write even a poem on that and whereas the other person feels so
depressed, and then even he may think of even committing suicide in that mode. So, our
mood is another thing that mind set is contributing to, so, the way we respond to failure in
particular, tells us whether we have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. So the one with a
fixed mindset, whenever there is a situation where he or she is confronted with failure, beliefs
that he or she lacks the talent, lacks that right, that is why he or she has failed in that
situation.
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So, it is important to nurture a growth mindset to keep enhancing personality traits and skills.
However, it’s harmful to have a fixed mindset as it leads to mental inertia and intellectual
fossilization. So, what is meant by this? If, for a longtime your mind starts thinking in the
same way, there is a kind of patterning that is happening and inertia develops, you will keep
on thinking in the same way, you will repeat the same behavior again and again to the same
situation. And, you will not think of responding in a different manner, given the same
situation, that recurs frequently. So, it is harmful to have that kind of fixed mindset,
especially, if you are interested in developing and enhancing your personality.
We also discussed in the previous lesson, about the distinguishing traits of growth mindset
people, in comparison and contrast with those people who have fixed mindset. Some of the
traits, that we are discussed in the previous one include, their ability to welcome challenges.
That is, people with growth mindset—they have the ability to welcome challenges, they
embrace changes, they look for opportunities even in a very highly desperate situation, they
look for opportunities and they are always optimistic in their thinking, they are not put down
by any setback, they are willing to learn from failure; and in fact they learn so much from
failure and they respond to feedback instead of giving negative response to criticism like the
fixed mindset people. They respond to feedback and they are always exploring new things.
Because, their attitude towards learning is something that goes for a lifelong period.
Learning, is not something they stop with high school or with college or with university
education. Learning is something that they continue till the end of their life.
Because of this attitude, when a person has a growth mindset we also need to realize and
know and understand what is it, that is trying to determine, the way we think, the way we
learn something, that is what I try to identify as learning mindsets. Look at this way, ask this
question, Why is it that some students preferred Maths and for some other students it is
actually an allergy? the same thing can be said about so many other subjects.
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For some students, computer science, it is like eating the cake, whereas, for some other
students, it is causing much of allergy. There is technophobia, there is fear of even touching
the computer. Now, why is it so? Same thing, we can talk about fine arts. For some students,
drawing a picture, painting something comes so naturally, then working out with some kind
of scientific theorems and calculations. So much so, we can say the same thing about in terms
of learning a language, for some learning a language comes so easily, for some it’s very
difficult.
Now, why do you think so? If you deeply analyze again, the root cause is in the way one has
developed a learning mindset. This means apart from one’s IQ, that is apart from one
intelligent quotient, by which one is able to acquire knowledge, skills, techniques and other
methodologies much more efficiently than others, once smartness is determined by this level,
in which one is able to execute a task with speed, accuracy, efficiency, much more than the
other person.
Now, apart from this IQ, one’s perception about oneself as a learner determines the way a
person learns a subject. This means, apart from one’s basic skill set, one’s intelligence, one’s
brain’s level of acquiring information, apart from this the way a person is believing or
understanding as how the person is able to gain acquired knowledge about the subject. So,
that actually determines the person’s performance in that subject also. In short, the mindset
one has towards learning will affect one’s overall decisions.
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Whether, he or she is making towards his or her learning objectives, this again simply means,
whether you like a subject or not, whether you are performing in that subject with high level
of grades or not, that depends on not your IQ as such but on the way you are believing that
you are capable of learning the subject. Although, it is not actually about your capacity it is
more about your belief, and the attitude, the perspective and the understanding that you have
about yourself.
Let’s go back to some of the ideas that has been discussed in Carol Dweck’s book on
Mindset. One of the important observations that comes from the book is that, the author says,
we have developed our learning mindsets from the primary or even the middle school level
itself. So we go back, and then it is not just getting developed at a later stage, but even at the
very early days of our schooling, our mindset towards learning some subjects, our
preferences, our likeness and our dislikeness.
So all are developed at that stage itself. But, the other interesting factor is that, although we
have tried to conditioned our mind, created a kind of mindset in terms of preferences,
lightness. Human intelligence is not actually bound by this kind of preferences. Human
intelligence is highly adaptable, it is malleable, it can be changed, it can be molded,
especially, when it is confronted with new challenges, it can easily adapt, it can change.
Unlike the fixed mindset, that we might have developed or contrary to what we think that we
cannot do that, human intelligence, as such can be developed because of its adaptable nature.
So, a person with fixed mindset, as Carol Dweck points out, believes that intelligence itself to
be a fixed trait, whereas in truth, intelligence is not a fixed trait, but the person with a fixed
mindset we tend to believe that intelligence cannot be developed, intelligence cannot be
grown. Brain itself is limited, brain cannot be grown, that is, the thinking of a person with a
fixed mindset.
However, with growth mindset, a person can learn from any unfamiliar field also, unexplored
area, unknown area, completely unknown, totally new subject. Even then, a person with a
growth mindset can learn and gain from that because, people with growth mindset believe in
the growth intelligence, they believe that intelligence can be grown, especially when it is
added with new information, and latest skill sets. They are willing to acquire the state-of-the-
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art skill sets which are available. They are willing to challenge themselves to develop new
knowledge.
So, they also subsequently believe that their realm of knowledge, in terms of brain accusation
itself can be expanded. The moment something in us tells us that we are not that “smart” oh!
That guy is “smarter” than me, that guy has a better DNA, that guy must be genius. She is so
naturally talented, but I am not that smart, I am not that talented, so the moment this kind of
talking is happening in our mind, saying that we are not endowed with the talent skill to learn
that particular subject or enter into that field or know something about that area.
We should understand that we are in a fixed learning mindset. So, the moment something
comes and tells in our mind no, no you can’t do this, we are not smart to learn this. To
change it, what should we do? We need to practice, so we need to welcome challenge, we
need to practice, we need to take extra tutorials, we need to meet the teacher, take extra time,
spend slightly extra time in a consistent manner in the initial days. But, sooner or later, you
will realize that you also is making headway, making good progress, and you also realize that
oh! it is nothing to do with smartness. Make baby steps. One step at a time, but be firm, that
you will make one step, so that is how you will reach towards your goal. One at a time, to
affirm, to confirm in your mind and change that mindset and reform your established belief
system that is contributing to the fixity of the mindset. Now, Dweck and others also point out
another interesting thing about laziness.
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Even laziness, is actually lack of effort, caused by a fixed mindset. So, laziness, as such, there
is nothing like laziness, it is only lack of interest it’s only, lack of one’s inherent interest that
is preventing him or her to take efforts to do that. It’s actually not laziness. Students or people
with fixed mindset so they will see extra efforts as waste of time. So, they will think that why
should I spend extra time in this subject, so I am weak, I am dull, I am stupid, I am not smart,
I cannot learn this. So, let me not even take any effort in learning this.
So, that is the one with fixed mindset. Now, having described this aspect of learning mindset
let me try to give you some suggestions, ideas, as how you can develop growth mindset
towards learning. Learning in a general sense, like learning anything, whether it is driving a
car or learning German, learning any foreign language, learning to use a computer. So any
kind of learning: so how to develop growth mindset?
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Another interesting book, that you should read is written by Terry Doyle and Todd Zakrajsek.
They are the authors of The New Science of Learning: How to Learn in Harmony with Your
Brain and they derive their ideas for one of the chapters from Carol Dweck’s concept of
mindset, in which they try to suggest ways of changing to your growth mindset. So, adopting
from their views, I would like to tell you the following so that you can develop your own
growth mindset towards learning. First and foremost thing is that, recognize that hard work,
gaining new knowledge, facing challenges will facilitate growth mindset. As supposed to the
lazy mindset, thinking that I will not take effort, shift your thinking too. I will try to work
hard in this area, I will try to gain new knowledge, I seek new information, I will try to
update my knowledge, and then I will try to face challenges. So, this recognition will
facilitate growth mindset, this means— if you want to develop growth mindset in learning,
try to work hard, do not hesitate to gain new knowledge, and keep on facing challenges.
Intellect, intelligence, brain, can be grown with regular practice.
Just like the way you develop your muscle, brain muscle can also be strengthened, developed,
enhanced, again by practice. Failure, is the next important aspect of identifying whether you
have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. Failure for a person with growth mindset, will not
be, need not be an end in itself. Failure, will not determine the personality of a person with
growth mindset. Focusing on how to improve, a situation in which you have apparently
failed, but not actually failed. So focusing on how to improve that situation using different
strategies, different techniques, new methodology, giving more time and giving more efforts,
can actually contribute to success.
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In fact, many successful people with growth mindset, have hugely benefited from failures,
not having failures, would only indicate that the concerned person has not tried at all. Be
always willing to take risks, in terms of learning however difficult it looks. Initially, if you
are approaching a new subject, it appears to be very difficult, very tough, but despite the fact
that it appears to be very difficult, very tough, be always willing to take risks in terms of
learning.
And see, how, even though it looks so difficult your willing to take risks so that alone will
make you, make good progress. Just to give you some more tips on developing growth
mindset towards learning, do not be deterred by poor performance. Poor performance is not a
reflection of one’s personality or intelligence. If you failed in one subject, one paper, one
area, that is not determining or saying that you are a failure, a monumental failure, and you
will not make any success in any areas, in any aspect of your life. So, it’s wrong to consider
that poor performance is something that is determining your personality.
And that only a person with a fixed mindset will do. The other important part is doing this
self-talk. Self-talk is very important, that is— when you get up in the morning and if you are
going to try to do a difficult task, especially in terms of gaining some knowledge about a new
subject, keep telling that it’s easy! It’s easy! I have the growth mindset, I will be able to
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tackle this, I enjoy facing challenges at the end of this day, I would learn this much, which
will help me to know much better tomorrow. I am not afraid, I may not be smart, but I am
willing to work hard, that self-talk, that is very important that telling yourself, come on, do it!
At the same time, it’s very important to kill that negative voice, killing that negative voice is
also a must. What is the negative voice telling you that: You can’t do it? You are not smart
enough, this is too difficult for you, so try to kill that, and then the doubting voice inside that
is also too bad. Can you really do this? Can you really handle this situation? So, kill this kind
of negative voice and say that with positive affirmation that No! I can do this. I will handle
this, I will prove that I can do this, much better than other people.
And similarly, exaggeration of a situation emanates from a fixed mindset. This you should
understand. Normally, when the mind thinks that Oh! This is too big for me, this is too
difficult for me, this is too tough, impossible, I can’t do this at all. Nobody can do this! Now
this is an exaggerated way of looking at things which is not actually happening in reality.
There are people who have done it 10 times, 100 times better than you. At that moment of
your thinking, you only need to realize or see the examples, identify mentors, identify people
who have crossed that situation, and then take that as a kind of inspiration to move ahead.
So that exaggerated thought is opposed to growth mindset. You have to make yourself see
what is real; and in reality most of our exaggerated fears never happen. And last, but not the
least, always choose the Growth Mindset voice! The interesting thing that Dweck talks about
is that fixed mindset and growth mindset will not 100% determine the personality of a human
being. What does it mean? You cannot say just like we try to talk about human personalities,
type A, type B. You cannot say that this person always has a fixed mindset and this person
always has a growth mindset. What actually happens in reality is that, we all have growth
mindsets in certain aspects of our life. And, we all also have fixed mindsets in certain other
aspects.
A teacher may be very encouraging, for example, especially people from very poor
background, the teacher is willing to give more time, give extra time and then the teacher is
very supportive, but the teacher may have a fixed mindset with regard to let us say women
emancipation. So, the teacher has a very conservative outlook towards promoting girl
students, for example. So, that is a fixed mindset that has come from certain experience, but
the teacher is extraordinarily good in certain other aspects.
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So, what it means, we always have a voice that is trying to tell take us in a fixed mindset
route and there is another voice that is also trying to tell, no! don’t do that and then, try to do
this, improve on yourself, and then there is this growth mindset voice. Now, when you are
caught between those two, always try to choose the one that is saying that it is risky, but it is
worth trying. So, that is the growth mindset voice.
Now towards concluding this lecture, I just want to leave you with some thoughts, some
inspiring quotations, which tell you, how people with growth mindset think normally. Look at
the famous quote from Thomas Alva Edison, so when he was interviewed by a journalist
especially after his failure and repeated failure in terms of building a light bulb, in terms of
building a light bulb he made this quote, quote unquote, he says, “I have not failed seven
hundred times. I’ve succeeded in proving seven hundred ways of how not to build a light
bulb”. So, he never accepted failure, he only thought that he used a different strategy and now
he needs to use something else so that you can finally build this light bulb. Michael Jordon,
quote unquote— “I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not
trying”. So, failure I can accept it so that is not going to defeat my personality. But I can’t
accept not trying: it’s your ability to try again and again so that is giving you this growth
mindset. And finally, another interesting quote from Andre Sainte Lague, it’s about this
humble bumble bee. According to aerodynamic laws, the bumblebee cannot fly. Its body
weight is not the right proportion to its wingspan. But, if you look at the humble bumble bee
it ignores these laws. Ignoring these laws, the bee flies anyway. So, if you are conditioned by
laws, your mind becomes fixed.
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If you are able to ignore even the laws which are supposed to be fundamental, you can
actually come out of that so that is the lesson that this bumble bee tells us. For further
reference, apart from the materials from Carol Dweck that I mentioned in the previous one
you can also take a look at Terry Doyle’s book on The New Science of Learning in which the
chapter 7 is completely about “Mindsets Toward Learning”. The entire part is summarized
and given in a very easily digestible manner from Tomorrow’s Professor Email Newsletter
which is also available online if you click the link that I have provided.
So, keep thinking, keep asking these questions whether you have growth mindset or fixed
mindset by and large and what are the areas, aspects of your life in which you have fixed
mindset and you have growth mindset. Now, if you have fixed mindset and if it is trying to
curtail the development and enhancement of your personality it’s high time that you try to
change the fixed mindset into growth mindset. Hopefully the tips given in this lecture will
help you to positively develop your growth mindset. Thank you for watching this video, I
will come back with one more lecture, one more lesson on mindset and just before that, I
request you to go through the TED talk that I mentioned to you in the previous lecture if
possible and that will prepare you for the next lesson also. Thank you, for watching this
video, see you in the next lesson.
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Course Title
Lecture - 05
Mindset-3: Secrets of Developing Growth Mindsets
by…
Hello everyone! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
--
I am Ravichandran from the Department of Humanities and Social Sciences of IIT Kanpur. I
have been giving this course to you for the past one week, and this is the Unit Five, and this is
the last unit and the last lesson for first week. Now, we will conclude this week’s lesson with the
third part of Mindset: Mindset 3. And in this lesson, I would like to discuss with you about some
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secrets of developing growth mindsets, which is very important in terms of developing and
enhancing your soft skills as well as personality.
Before I start discussing about the secrets, as I do normally, I would like to talk to you, first
about the highlights of the last lesson, what did we do in the last lesson? We basically discussed
about learning mindsets, and how you can develop learning mindsets, that is how generally you
can change your attitude to develop as a good learner. In that lesson, we understood that one’s
perception about oneself as a learner determines the way a person learns a subject.
A person’s mind set towards learning, will affect the decisions he or she makes towards his or
her learning objectives. A person with a fixed mindset in that sense will believe that intelligence
will be fixed. So, the person with fixed mindset will never think that intelligence can be changed.
He or she always believes that it is a given trait, but a person with a growth mindset believes in
the growth of intelligence and learns from any new field also.
There is nothing unfamiliar for the person with a growth mindset, because the person is open,
willing to explore by consistent practice, one can change established beliefs. So, I ended up by
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giving some tips for developing growth mindset such as hard-working, gaining new knowledge,
willing to take risks, or embracing challenges. And I said that this will generally facilitate growth
mindset.
Apart from that, working on failure, instead of getting stuck by failure or feeling that it is a
setback. Working on failure by focusing on different strategies and more efforts can contribute to
success. You should also use self-talk to eliminate fixed mindset. The self-talk is something that
you tell yourself that when the negative mindset, the fixed mindset comes and tells you Oh! No,
you can’t do this, you will begin by saying: No! I can do this, I will at least try, I will give a
good try, I will work hard, I will try to use my will power, I will try to achieve this, I will do this,
it’s possible for me.
As against your negative mindset, that keeps telling you, know you can’t do this, it will be
difficult for you. So, use the self-talk even when the negative mind is trying to tell you it is trying
to pull you down with a fixed mindset you always try to say something positive about your
ability, your activity and the task that you have taken in hand so that you can accomplish it
successfully.
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Now going to today’s lesson, I said, I will try to give some secrets of developing growth mindset.
In a sense that they are not secrets, they are rather open secrets. But just to put it in a way that
you really feel that they are secrets, you need to explore.
The first secret is that, you should be like a baby, now why do I say this, if you look at a baby, a
baby is never seen unmotivated, a baby is always doing something, always moving, always
active. And it’s a challenge for the parents, especially for the first two, three years to monitor the
baby. It becomes a 24 x 7 activity that it’s a full-time job, why? Because the baby is open, the
baby is never afraid of exploring whether it is playing with fire or getting drenched in rain, or
playing with running tap, or eating mud outside or chewing slippers or any dirty substance it’s
not concerned, it is not bothered, it wants to use the teeth, explore, what is there. So, that
openness without any bias, without any thinking that this is good, this is bad, this is dirty, this is
ugly, this is beautiful. So, without this bias, without this prejudice, the baby is open. So, try to
have that kind of openness being like a baby. As babies, we always had this growth mindset, but
we developed fixity by accepting the views of others, on us. What kind of views most of these
views are negative views.
Most of the views came out from others, based on their own inadequacies, or based on their own
jealous feelings about us, or based on their own fears and apprehensions which might have
happened in their life. But, they didn’t want you also to explore, they didn’t also want you to
take challenges, no, statements like telling you that you belong to a particular caste, you belong
to a particular religion, you belong to a particular race. So, you are suited only for a particular
kind of work, that, that particular kind of religious group or racial group or casteist group would
always be doing. So, this is actually a view, but a negative view, that sometimes conditions when
you grow up, when you when you grow up, and when you are born there is a slight difference.
When you are born, you were completely with the open mindset you didn’t know which religion
you belong to, you didn’t know which caste you belong to, you didn’t know what race, you
didn’t know whether black or white is beautiful.
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But as you grew up in the society, people started imposing their views on you and that gave you
the kind of inhibition, people started telling you that you can develop expertise only in the fields
where your parents have expertise, that if you are a doctor, you can become a doctor only if your
parents are doctors. If your parents are engineers, then you can also become an engineer. But if
your father is a cobbler, you will also become a cobbler, if your father is a carpenter, then you
will also become a carpenter and so on.
So, this is again a kind of fixed mindset that was imposed on us by the people around us. As, I
said that is because of their own inadequacies, their own fears, their own apprehensions and
sometimes it is because of their own jealousies, they don’t want to help you to grow, they don’t
want to be a facilitator so that you grow, they are afraid that you may grow, you may outsmart
them and then that may lead to highlighting their own inadequacy.
So that is their business, their worry, so you might have also heard of people telling that, you will
excel only in that kind of environment, with certain conditions. But, you are in this kind of
surroundings, so you are in a bad sector, you are born to a poor family, you are born to a group
of people who have no idea about this kind of technicalities and talents. So, it is not possible.
But, you should understand that intelligence is actually not something that is given to you by
DNA or by heredity.
Intelligence can never be improved that is what people want to tell you, despite your hard work
and determination. But with startling discoveries in the field of growth mindset, you should
believe that intelligence is something that can be developed it is malleable. So your brain can be
grown, it can be developed, it can be enhanced. So first secret is that be like a baby, at least when
you are initiating, something at least when you start a new venture be like a baby, think like a
baby, act like a baby, be explorative don’t be afraid of failures.
Now, the next important thing that Carol Dweck and others, who talk about growth mindset
highlight is in terms of human relationships. This is the next important secret that you should
learn to live with critical people. Now, you may find it very funny and . . . but, this is a very
interesting observation.
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Because, generally in human relationships it is normal and natural to like someone who idolizes
praises and worships you. We all feel good when somebody appreciates at and we all feel happy
so when people praise us, but that is not going to help us in terms of developing a growth
mindset. And people with fixed mindset generally try to gel with people who normally flatter
them or who try to protect them in such a manner that they never criticize, they never say
anything bad about them.
And, even if they do a wrong thing, the people around never point it out. So you all know the
story of that, “Emperors New Cloth” so the person who made the new cloth wanted to make the
emperor realize that he is surrounded by flatterers and in fact, he didn’t make any cloth, he made
the emperor just walk nude before others. And nobody said anything, so they said that the cloth
is looking good, it is wonderful, it is fabulous. But, until the emperor looked at himself on the
mirror then he realized what kind of people that he was surrounded by. In human relationships, if
you want to have a growth mindset, okay, enjoy having people around you who flatter all the
time, but you learn to live with people who are critical, people who don’t mind calling a spade, a
spade. People sometimes who are very brutal in pointing out your mistakes, the errors that you
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commit, it hurts, it pains. But, then if you have the growth mindset and if you want to develop
that growth mindset, you should be receptive to people who are critical.
Now, the relationship which one keeps the other in pedestal, okay! So worshipping, like you are
the most beautiful person, you are the most handsome man, you are the most intelligent, you are
the smartest ever, keeping the other one in the pedestal, touching the feet and then saying that no
one is like you. Now this will actually lead to stagnancy, it will lead to fixity. For growth in a
relationship, partners need to be critical where required.
Okay! there are occasions when you really need to give genuine appreciation, do that, but there
are times when you actually need to point out to your friend, to your spouse, to your children, to
your boss, that what the person is doing is not correct or it could be done in a much better
manner, there are some shortcomings in this. Sometimes people don’t know how to say this, so
maybe they lack in soft skills, maybe they are so rude.
But then, just beyond the ego hurt, try to reflect on the actual point they were trying to make, if
even an iota of truth is there in the point, in terms of developing yourself is there, accept it. Now,
that acceptance will make you develop this growth mindset. For growth in a relationship,
partners need to be critical where required, even, and I would rather say, especially, in long-term
relationships.
Whether business partnerships or in marital relationships or long-time friendship you need to

have somebody, who will point out your errors, not the one will be blind to the errors and take
you to a very huge pit fall, down fall from which you will never be able to come out. It’s only by
giving a realistic picture of one’s achievements and shortcomings, and by accepting it positively,
relationships will thrive.
So, this is very important, as I said the general human tendency is to seek a kind of appreciation
in whatever you do, but having understood that part it is important that you need to also give
contingency to that part, in which we also have our own limitations and there should be
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somebody who should be able to see that. Without any fear or favor that person should be able to
tell us, this is the limitation, this is the shortcoming.
And only with this person, we will be able to grow in terms of human relationship and grow our
own intellect and emotion and develop our own selves.
The next secret is that, you should not believe in negative stereotypes or you should not be
vulnerable to stereotype threats. Let me explain, what I mean by this negative stereotype as well
as stereotype threats. Stereotype itself is a reductive, fixed image or oversimplified opinion that
categorizes a group or an individual in a generalized and prejudiced manner. So, for example a
person who is drunk. So, there is a stereotype that he will never tell the truth. So, a person, let us
say, is sent to prison, he comes out of the prison, there is a stereotypical thinking that oh! this
person will always be a thief or always be a murderer. The stereotypical thinking will never give
the other person to come out of the patternized mold in which that person is fitted. So, stereotype
is given in terms of sometimes religion, caste, race, sometimes in terms of height.
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So, high people are people who are tall are like this, people who are short are like this, people
who speak this language are like this, people who eat this food are like this. Now all these are
generalized, categorized statements, which actually are not tested scientifically and verified
individually, and individual may be completely different. But we generalize and put that
individual in a group, and use our own prejudiced opinion to judge that person or rather misjudge
the person.
But, the most dangerous thing is the stereotype threats. What is the stereotype threat? As defined
by Steele and Aronson, it refers to being at risk of confirming, as a self-characteristic, a negative
stereotype about one’s social group. What does it mean? So, I already told you about negative
social group. Negative stereotypes, that affects the social group, and the social group has also
become negative because of the stereotypes.
So stereotype threat, it says that I belong to one community, which lacks in certain skills and,
because that has being told to me again and again and again. So, my own community has
believed in that negative stereotyping and I conform to it. I start adhering to the belief by doing
this, I underperform, even in a situation where I may have the ability to do it much better. So that
is stereotype threat, that it refers to the being at risk of confirming as a self-characteristic, a
negative stereotype about one social group.
Now, Steele and Aronson, first use the term to prove that black students—so their studies were
conducted from how racial stereotypes are affecting individual performances, so, they studied the
first-year students, the black freshmen and even the second-year students, sophomores. So, they
studied how they were performing in environment on standardized tests where it is believed that
white students would always do better, and where their race was emphasized. Where it was
clearly given as a belief that black students will not do well in this standardized test and white
students will always excel. Where race was emphasized, they were not able to perform well,
because, they were influenced by the stereotype threat. However, when race was not emphasized,
black students performed better, if not better, equivalently, equally with the white students. So,
their results try to prove that it is not ability, but it is the belief and it is the stereotype threat that
makes a person confirm to it.
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The other rather threatening factor that they point out is that, all of us at some point or other in
some areas or other or vulnerable to this stereotype threat. We may be excelling in something,
but in some unknown area, some new area, there may be a stereotype threat, that will be
petrifying our performance. We turn into stones, when we enter into that area, because of the
stereotype threat that tells us that No! You cannot do this!
So, the lesson succumbing to stereotype threat can undermine one’s ability to perform. So being
aware of this and telling you again and again, asking you am I succumbing to stereotype threat,
is it not a stereotype threat that is undermining that ability. So that will actually help you to
come out of it combined with hard work and your ability to confront challenges. Look at another
stereotype threat or another negative stereotype that psychologists have disproved. That is with
relation to the general thinking that boys have better aptitude for STEM— short for fields which
are related to science, technology, engineering and maths.
So, the general thinking that females cannot do well in science and technology engineering
because, basically the mathematical ability is not as good as males. So, now this thinking, this
negative stereotype was also disproved again by a group of psychologists, and they introduced
another interesting factor, they said that this can be changed. If you are able to develop a
conducive sense of belonging in the individual. Let us try to understand what was the study, and
what lesson we need to take from the study. The secret that you need to follow or adhere to
understand is that belong where you need to be.
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If you have to be in a group, if you have to be in an academic group, if you have to be in a
professional group you belong you try to have the sense of belonging. What was the experiment
conducted with relation to this? Catherine Good and others, they conducted some experiments on
boys and girls, males and females in terms of their mathematical ability. And in the experiment
conducted in various universities in the US they identified that sense of belonging is an
important variant, is an important factor in the representation gap between males and females in
Math ability. Generally, it was pointed out like women lack desire, they are not interested in
doing Maths, they are dull.
But they established that women’s lack of desire is produced by environmental factors that deter
their sense of belonging. First of all, the group in which they should belong to—the academic
group—itself tries to perpetuate negative stereotypes saying that no, no you cannot do this, you
are a girl, you are a girl! But converse to that they found out that if once a person feels fit in an
academic community, she will perform better.
It is important that she has to feel that I belong to this group, the group is validating my
contribution. The group is making me feel that I am equal to them, if not they are also
appreciating occasionally that I am doing better than them. I belong to this group and I can
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perform better if the academic community can make her feel this way she will naturally perform
better.
So Good, Rattan and Dweck based on their discovery, they make this statement, let us look at
this quote, unquote. “When sense of belonging is protected by learning environments that convey
a malleable view of intelligence, students may be less vulnerable to the impact of negative
stereotypes on achievement and intention to remain in the domain.” Simply what they try to tell
is when sense of belonging is protected by learning environments, when the student, especially,
here a girl student, in terms of developing math’s or science or technology or engineering ability,
if she is made to feel protected in the learning environment that conveys a malleable view of
intelligence. The view is that, we are giving you an environment, we are facilitating where you
can grow your intelligence. So, if this kind of environment is given then students may be less
vulnerable to the impact of negative stereotypes. Rather they become immune, they are protected
from negative stereotype and intention to remain in the domain.
The second part implies that, some people occasionally do well, but then they give it up, they
feel that okay at undergraduate level I did that, but then at postgraduate level I don’t want to
follow or at postgraduate level I did that, but for research at PhD level, I don’t want to do. So
their intention to remain in the domain is also conditioned and governed by the sense of
belonging that is given and protected by learning environments.
Now, can you actually wait for that kind of learning environment? Some of you are actually
gifted, some of you are lucky, some of you are blessed, you may fortunately find yourself in that
kind of learning environment. But, most of us are not that blessed; now in that case, I suggest
that you should contribute to create a sense of belonging to where you need to be. This means
identify the academic community, the professional group that you should be.
Sometimes, the group will not accept you, sometimes the group may insult you, the group may
humiliate you, the group may reject you, but keep that in mind that this is a kind of prerequisite
for you to become an active member in the group. You have to convince them, that you are equal
in certain aspects, you are even better than most of the group members and by positive
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reinforcement of consistent good behavior some members will slowly start accepting you. And
sooner or later you will also become a very active member of that group.
So contribute to create a sense of belonging, instead of waiting, that you will find a group where
you will have that sense of belonging, okay!. So if you wait, then the wait is never going to end.
But, you identify groups and then you try to contribute, you try to share, you try to give, and then
people will accept you. Now, with this, I just want you to also remember one more interesting
psychological experiment that is in terms of HAWTHORNE experiment.
And remember, Hawthorne effect, which came out of Hawthorne experiment. What is this?
Now, Hawthorne effect, generally refers to the alteration of behavior by the subjects of a study
due to their awareness of being observed. Hawthorne effect refers to the alteration of behavior by
the subjects of a study due to their awareness of being observed. Now, this will become clear
when I tell you. What was the experiment and the story behind the experiment? Now this effect
is actually based on experiments conducted by Elton Mayo in the 1920s at the Hawthorne plant
of the Western Electric Co., in Chicago. Now the company managers and CEO’s they wanted
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them to conduct certain specific experiments in order to study the productivity. So, they wanted
to find out what could be done to motivate their workers and make them perform better and
increase the productivity by which the company can also earn better.
So generally, it was about to study the worker’s productivity. And then the methods in which
they studied was based on the previous theories of motivation, previous norms about work
environment in which it was thought that people who work in dim light will perform lesser than
people who work in bright lights. In terms of cleanliness and then in terms of increasing or
decreasing the duration. So, they selected a group of people for the experiment and then they
started and then they conducted in various times different parameters such as they increase the
light, they decrease the light condition.
They made them work for short periods, with breaks, they gave them food in between the breaks,
they made them work without food in between the breaks. They kept the environment very neat
and tidy, they kept the environment very ugly, very dirty. They kept on changing the duration,
they made them work for long hours, they made them work for short hours. Now the hypothesis,
the thinking they had, before they started conducting the experiments were like this, that if you
give them favorable working condition. If you give a conductive environment the productivity
will increase.
So, if the environment is dirty, if they work in low levels of light, if you make them work for
longer hours, their productivity will naturally go down. That was the belief, that was the
hypothesis they had. But the results they got; you wouldn’t believe that! It startled the people
who conducted the experiment. What were the results? The results, despite the fact that they
lowered the light, they increased the light. They gave food they didn’t give food. They made the
environment dirty, they made it look very beautiful. They increased the duration, they made
them work for long hours, they made them work for short hours. Now, despite of whatever
variables the performance went on increasing. Nowhere they showed that the performance will
go down. Now, what went wrong or what went right? what happened? so again they started
analyzing the subject that is the participants who actually were experimented on. Then they
realized that in fact the experiment changed its direction, then they realized it is important to
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study these participants. What happened? The participants were selected for the experiments
were actually all women workers. The reason for which they selected the women workers was
particularly because they were small in number.
And it will be easy to put them in a group and then make them work and then they can study
them easily. But what happened to the women workers? They got a feeling that they were
selected among thousands of people who are working in the plant. And they were chosen few,
thus, they developed the sense of elitist belonging, they felt that they are rather selected because
they are the best workers okay! Come what may, they decided that they should give them their
best performance. So whatever they did, they try to show them that, that performance will never
diminish instead of whatever changes they will make in the environment.
Despite incentives, despite any extra benefits they are willing to work so hard and then try to
always increase the level of their performance. Now in short, the Hawthorne studies found that
workers were more responsive to group involvement and managerial attention than to financial
incentives. It’s not money finally, that’s going to give the job satisfaction or escalate the work
performance. But it is the attention, that people are given to and the sense of belonging they
developed and the privileged position they experienced. So that actually contributed to higher
level of productivity.
So overall, if you develop positive emotion in any given situation and sense of belonging both
can work wonders. So, remember Hawthorne effect so it completely changed the experimenters’
hypothesis and then gave them new ideas in terms of motivation. It made them believe that it’s
not money, but it is esteem, it is emotion, it is sense of belonging. So, these are factors which are
actually important in terms of productivity. Now in terms of developing your growth mindset,
these factors are also important. Now, finally to conclude, I would say that overall when you
develop your growth mindset, it is not easy to develop it overnight. But make incremental
changes, that is, first change.
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But then, make incremental changes that is slightly increase your performance, slightly try to do
something better than it was before. Increment even inch-by-inch, step by step, brick by brick, as
they say, is the wall, is the building that gets constructed. So, one step at a time, but always try to
move forward and move in the right direction, that’s enough— You will find epic change and
monumental transformation in the long run! With that note, so I would like to conclude with
another thought that has been attributed to Albert Einstein.
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And which is somewhat like my overall motto of this course, which I have said many times in
the previous one. Remember that education is not learning of facts, it’s not accumulating degrees
it’s not saying that you have this degree, that degree. You know this information, that
information, but the training of mind to think and to think in the right direction.
For further reference.
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If you want to know more about Hawthorne experiment, I have given an online link from
Boundless Management which is available on online. And, if you want to know more about the
math ability experiment conducted by Catherine Good and others, it is also available in the form
of a paper online.
If you want to read more about stereotype threat, you can also refer to the book and part of which
is published as an article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the reference is
also there. And there is also another interesting article by Steve Stroessner and Catherine Good
on stereotype threat and overview which very simply summarizes what stereotype threat can do
to people.
So, stay committed to developing and enhancing your personality, soft skills, first by developing
this growth mindset. This is the final lesson of this first week and at the end of the first week
keep this in your mind be tuned for growth mindset. And then we will go to other aspects of
Enhancing your Soft Skills and Personality. Thank you! For watching this video, we will come
back and then meet in the next week’s lesson. Thank you once again!
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Course Title
Lecture - 06
Managing Time-1: Importance of Time & Understanding
Perceptions of Time
by…
Hello everyone! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. This is
the second week of the course.
And this is the first unit of second week, and totally this is the sixth lesson. In the past week, I
started discussing with you at the beginning, by giving a brief summary of the previous course
on Developing Soft Skills and Personality, and then I focused on the most important aspect of
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developing your soft skills as well as personality and enhancing them, that is about your mindset.
We spent about three lessons on mindset.
Now, before I start this one, I will actually start with the brief summary of what we did in the last
lesson, but what is this week going to do? And what is it that I am going to introduce to you this
week? This week we are going to start with a very interesting and an important aspect of
enhancing your soft skills and personality that is about managing time. Time, you need to know
how you perceive it, how you try to handle it, so we begin with trying to understand the
perceptions as well as the importance of time, okay.
And, as I said, before I start actually going to the lesson, let me give you a brief highlight of the
last lesson. In the last lesson on Mindset, I discussed about the secrets of developing Growth
Mindset.
I focused on basically five important aspects of developing your growth mindset. The first one I
said that, you should train yourself to behave, act like a baby, because as babies we naturally had
growth mindsets. So, when we were growing, we actually did not develop fixed mindset, but the
fixity came by internalizing other’s views on us. Most of the views which were influencing our
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thinking, and made our mindset fixed, were mostly negative. Things which were trying to tell
you that because of your father’s occupation, because of your parent’s profession, because of
their genes, your hereditary nature, you cannot do certain things, okay.
So, that actually has been proved variously by lot of psychological experiments that it is totally
incorrect that has actually come out of people and their own insecurity and their own doubts and
apprehensions which they try to impose on you, which you got influenced. It’s high time that you
come out of it, and then you try to behave like a baby, keep your mind open, be motivated all the
time to explore new things. As a baby, the baby was never afraid of touching a fire or getting
drenched in rain nobody was there to inject in the mind of the baby that if you will get drenched
in rain. So you will catch cold. If you touch the fire, it will scorch your finger. So baby was not
really afraid of it, but it learned certain lessons from that. So try to explore, be like a baby, don’t
be influenced by what others tell on you.
The second point, I emphasized was, you should learn to live with critical people, it’s human
tendency to always to live with people, who flatter us, who love us unconditionally, and then
who support us come what may, even if you are wrong, even if you are illegal, even if you are
incompetent. People try to appreciate us, because of maybe certain things, may be they are
associated with us in terms of job, in terms of blood relation, in terms of even affinity, in terms
of community, in terms of region, whatever it is.
But then these people have a feeling that, they should always appreciate you, and they should
never point a single finger on you, so that you are always feeling happy. But these are the people
who are dangerous, because they are not going to make us grow or they are not going to
contribute to our growth mindset. We need partners who are critical, whether it is your life
partner or your business partner or your friend or your classmate. Choose somebody, who will be
critical and if you get a friend who is both who can appreciate as well as be critical.
So, you have a very ideal combination so that, you get flattered when you are doing good things.
But, then you are also being criticized, when you are not doing the right thing and then you try to
develop your mindset accordingly. The next point I emphasized was: Do not believe in negative
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stereotypes such as telling you, that your ability is not coming because of your intelligence, your
intelligence cannot be grown, your ability is coming based on your gender, based on your
background. So which cannot be grown. So do not believe this negative stereo type, do not be
vulnerable to stereo type threats, a psychological term that actually when we understand a kind
of stereotype that is being imposed on us, by our surrounding people so we try to internalize and
we try to underperform. So succumbing to stereotype threat can undermine one’s ability to
perform. So one should not succumb to stereo type threat. The next point that was again
illustrated through various experiments conducted in psychology is that you should try to belong
where you need to be, because a sense of belonging is something that will remove all kind of
negative threat that could be influencing your mindset. So you try to belong, and you try to
belong in the right place, be where you need to be.
And I also ended by saying that you should remember Hawthorne effect. Hawthorne effect, that
was indicating the kind of effect that showed, proved, that it is not money, it is not even
incentives, it is not even the lighting condition, the working condition. But it is purely the
emotional feeling, the sense of bonding, the feeling of having chosen as a privileged group that
could actually motivate women folk to work like anything despite all varying conditions. So, that
only proved that if you have positive emotion and then this sense of belonging and group
binding, so you will be able to work wonders. So that is why, I said that with all these aspects of
developing growth mindset, try to put yourself in the right group and then try to belong to the
group by contributing yourself appropriately and rightly.
Having said this, let us come to another interesting aspect of developing your personality that is
to do with time. Now, the way you handle time, the way you deal with time, and the way people
perceive you, as how you are dealing with your time what you are doing with it. So, that is some
are trying to tell us as how your personality can be assessed and how good you are in terms of
using your soft skills. Now there are some questions which appear to be simple but they are very
difficult to answer. What is time? It is a very philosophical, psychological, and
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even technical question to answer. And how do you perceive time? Okay, now normally when
we say time, we know that we look at our watch, we look at the clock, and then we just look at
the figures which are there, we look at the duration, we look at the frequency, we look at the
amount of time that we are giving to an event, and then we look at the calendar, and we know
oh! this is time. But then, is time constrained by a clock or a watch or if it is something that
exists only in our mind, when we talk about time and when we talk about a time that is trying to
determine your personality, are we talking about a time that you just follow, adhere to strictly or
are we trying to understand that there is something inside your mind, that is perceiving what is
shown outside externally in the form of time in its own way. It has a unique way of perceiving it,
and then what is time in general? Is it something fixed or is it something flexible? Salvador Dali
—the most famous surrealist painter and his most famous painting called the Persistence of
Memory, which anytime when you refer to Dali, will be seeing this painting and this is popularly
known as “Clocks”.
Now, that is considered a Surrealist masterpiece because that depicts melting clocks! What was
Dali trying to tell in his own irrational surrealistic manner, what was he trying to talk about time?
Is he trying to say that the way you look at time in a fixed manner, like a routine chore, rut? Is he
making fun that, that’s not actually time, time is something that is very flexible, malleable, okay!
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It looks as if he is just washed, time like a cloth and just he is hanging on the branch and then it
is just drying up.
Can you do it like that? So, in the picture again if you see the clocks are not flat, but bent out of
shape and are melting in a desert. So many interpretations are possible. At the end, I have given
one interesting link where you can just understand this picture and the meaning in a simple
manner, but what he has done is try to capture the relative and fickle nature of time. Some people
said that he was even trying to picturize what Einstein was talking in terms of relativity of time
in a very picturesque manner, surrealistic manner. But to me, it appears that the desert is
indicating the kind of barrenness that surrounds our life in terms of value and meaning, unless
you make use of time in a very flexible and efficient manner.
And keeping in your mind, that we are always living with this sense of corrosion, with this sense
that time is always eroding, time is always trying to slip through our fingers. Okay! let us come
back to this thought towards the end, but coming to in a very practical, management sense of
using time and in terms of developing your personality, enhancing your soft skills, let’s see how
do people perceive your personality, in terms of time.
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Do they see you as someone who is always late, so even you tell that you will come in time, you
will come before time for a function, for an important event, they laugh behind you and say: Oh!
this guy never shows up in time. Okay! How to believe? Do they see you as someone who
cannot deliver in time? Are you the person who is known for forgetting appointments? Do you
keep your work piled up and are you known for always postponing your work, and do you
always have lot of backlog work to do, you are always in arrears to do things, you are always
catching up, you are always notable to take up a new task. You always take up something when
it is almost late, or almost the deadline is over. Is it how your people around you or perceiving
you are?
Or, do people see you as someone who is always punctual, do people wonder how do you reach a
place before time, in time, but never exceeding the time, even you happen to be always the first
one to reach the venue and people wonder how is that possible despite the fact that you have a
very hectic schedule and are you the person who is known for delivering before time, you are the
one who under promises, but try to over deliver and before time and are you known for never
missing an appointment, and are you the person who finishes working time and always plans
ahead of time, and are you the person who also give contingency for new and challenging tasks,
because you have always finished your work in time, and you have ample time to start something
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new, when there are others who are struggling with jobs assigned to them previous year, five
years before, and they are not able to complete, you have just completed and you are just free.
Now, your attitude towards time reflects on your personality. Now, the way you are functioning
as much to do with the attitude that you have towards time. Whatever soft skills you will
develop, will be of help, only if they are integrated with the discipline sense of use of time. So I
have been telling in the previous course, as well as at the outset of this course that, my approach
to soft skills will not be giving a cosmetic touch, okay. It is not like something that you do ask lip
service as an external one, to me changing your inside amongst to changing your outside and
your outside is an indicator of inside and unless you change that inside perceptions, attitudes
towards time, particularly, and mindset, as I said before, developing a growth mindset.
So, your soft skills, whatever you develop, will actually disprove what you actually have inside.
In the sense, so you may talk very softly, very nicely, very politely, very impressively saying that
you will finish a task in time. But, behind people laugh at you, saying that you say this hundreds
of times, and you are never able to finish it in time. So,, soft skills will have no meaning when
people try to correlate your skills and try to integrate that with the meaning that you give to the
tasks that you have been assigned to in terms of time. So keep that in mind and how do you act
when you run out of time?
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This is another important thing like so far, I said, how do you plan your time? how do you
execute it? Do you do two things in time? But, when you run out of time, both cases, whether
you planned or indulged in an unplanned activity but you are just running out of time. Are you
cool, calm and collected or are you stressed? Distressed and depressed? Because, you are
running out of time, and you are not able to catch up and then people think bad of you, you feel
humiliated, you feel that you are losing your confidence and all that.
How do you react when you chase a deadline? So, do you panic so much, that you are—are you
afraid that you are not able to meet a deadline? do you sweat a lot, is your blood pressure rising
high? How do you behave when you work under time pressure, when you have to beat deadline,
how do you behave with people around you, do you get annoyed, do you get irritated, do you
shout at people for no valid reason, do you become totally unapproachable when you are under
time pressure, and people are afraid of coming to your chamber or talking to you.
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Understand that time indeed is money, and time indeed is something that is trying to tell us what
is your personality, your success and happiness both depend much on the way you handle time.
Time, I would rather say instead of saying its money, if your life itself. When you lose control of
time, your life too goes out of control and then this is again interesting, the way we see how
people try to control time. Some people need calendar, planner, reminder both manual. Today,
there is lot of electronic reminders, you can set reminders on your computer, on your gadgets,
mobile phone and all that to keep track of time. And, some use it efficiently, some despite that
they are not able to do that. And there are others who function efficiently even without any
reminders. So, what is it that is making people not to function efficiently and some to function
efficiently? Some people become tensed when their plan gets interrupted or time gets hijacked by
unplanned activities, unplanned events. So, you plan to do something and suddenly some
untoward thing happen, even an accident, even a fracture that can jeopardize so many of your
plans. So, such unplanned events can also put lot of pressure and stress.
People have either monochronic or polychronic sense of time. Now, this concept has been
already discussed previously little bit, but, once again if you recollect, monochronic indicates a
single-minded perception of time, okay! Which is rather fixed. Time is seeing as a kind of rare
commodity, so it has to be rationed, so people who have this monochronic sense of time, they go
by a very fixed, rigid schedule. So, they proportionately divide their life career in terms of time
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schedule and they follow the schedule strictly. People with polychronic sense of time, view time
as something that is flexible and then they are normally not that much annoyed when there are
interruptions, in fact, they welcome interruptions, some of them. And, when you look at how
these people behave sometimes they slightly miss deadline, but then they are also able to do
justice to many activities at the same time.
Most of the Western culture tries to inculcate a monochronic sense of time, where time is a rare
commodity, time is money. So, the eastern, our Indian culture, tries to inculcate a polychronic
sense of time. But, today even this kind of separation, is not becoming very valid because, we are
all living in a kind of globalized world, and then, this thanks to multinational corporations,
culture has become somewhat flattened; and then you cannot say that your culture is different,
your sense of perception is different, more or less MNC is try to inculcate this monochronic
sense of time which means you have to reach the office in time. If you miss it, so some offices
keep punch card, or they note the time and then they know that if you are late for three days so
one day’s casual leave can be cut and so on. So, time itself is rationed and your reward or
punishment depends on that, your assessment depends on that, so you understand that we have
this monochronic or polychronic sense of time. So monochronic scheduling and then working
according to the schedule. Polychronic letting interruptions come on its way, but then still you
make your schedule flexible and try to finish it.
Now, let’s come to another important part of this lesson, let’s . .. how to control time?, okay!
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What should you do to control your time? Because, I said that, controlling life itself means
controlling time. Three important things you can do. The first most important thing is, take log of
your time, what do I mean by taking log of your time? Take note of your time, see how your time
is slipping through your fingers, how are you spending or wasting your time, even when you are
wasting your time sometimes you don’t even realize that you are not spending your time in a
fruitful productive manner.
You don’t even know that you are actually wasting, so how time is just actually high jacking
your productive aspect of your life, so what can you do? Either in a diary or in a planner, either
using your computer or in your mobile, there are so many apps also these days. Just note the way
you are spending your time in a day, in a day you just see what time you are getting up, what are
you doing after you get up, how much time you spend for example in coffee or reading a
newspaper or just checking up your WhatsApp and Facebook updates or sitting before computer.
Or just even in spending good activities like walking or jogging or doing exercise how much
time you spend in just bathing, how much time you spend in eating, how much time you
spending in sleeping, how much time are you devoting for studies, how much time are you
devoting in the day to day activities like commuting. Now, make note of all these things and then
try to see how you do it on each day, and then identify a week, look at a month; and then you
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will see that certain Sundays have the same pattern, Saturdays have the same pattern, Mondays
have a similar pattern. Look at the entire log for a period of a year, and then look at for a period
of your life, like when you are at a lower position how were you spending your time, and when
you are promoted how are you spending your time, when you are studying at a lower grade how
did you give time for studies, and what are you doing now?
Now, what can this exercise do to you, it can help you develop a sense of the way you are using
your time, and there by, you will be able to manipulate how you can control it. Particularly, you
should be able to see, how time is getting wasted. It looks like, you just wanted to check one
meaning on Google and then you sat before that, so that meaning you read from Wikipedia and
then from Wikipedia there are some references, you went and then there was a You Tube link
and then you check that, and from that link there were other links and then it was saying that
people who watched, they watched this also, you wanted to watch that. And then, it was saying
or referring to a book, and you wanted to read the review of that. You just started with the word,
and then it was let’s say around the 8’o clock, and you end up around 3 a.m. and then you realize
that time just went, just like that and then it looks like okay you learn something, but then, was
the learning in a very productive and planned manner? Could this learning be avoided? This
learning was just gathering information, was it giving you knowledge and wisdom? These are
things that you have to ask and then you have to decide that okay, this time I will spend only for
this.
So, the second one, the second point that I make here will also help you to control your time, that
is, you should scrutinize the time leakage: How it is getting leaked? Particularly find out where
you waste your time in unproductive activities. Now learn to minimize them initially. It is very
difficult to stop it okay, initially. But, once you think that okay, I will minimize, so you decide
that next time when I look up a word in online dictionary, I will stop with the meaning itself or at
least if I go beyond that and then look at one article from Wikipedia I will just stop there, or at
least I will decide for this word maximum, I will give 10 minutes or 15 minutes not more than
that, not 5 hours at a stretch, so once you are able to minimize that, very soon you will be able to
eliminate such wasteful activities also.
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The next important way of controlling your time is in terms of creating time. So, once you are
able to remove time spent on unnecessary activities will be able to make time, create time,
especially for creative and productive activities that will uplift your life and career. That will
actually develop and enhance your personality, even read a personality development book, watch
videos. There are hundreds of good videos that can actually motivate you, make you do lot of
creative things, so, try to give sometime for that also, that is what I mean by creating time. So by
controlling time, first take log of your time, check how you are wasting your time, and check
how you are spending your time productively, and second stage, minimize the time that you are
wasting on unproductive activities. And third stage, use that for creating time for creative
activities and productive activities. Now look at other aspect of time.
Why is it some people do more things in less time and much more efficiently than others? And
what are the secrets of successful entrepreneurs, billionaires? I remember an interview in which
one of the successful entrepreneurs was asked this question how do you manage when all of us
have 24 hours to accomplish so much, so to which he said, when you try to do one task in a time,
that you think you can do it, I try to ensure that I do at least 10 tasks in the same time, you would
have done only one task.
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So, that is the focus that is how he does things in optimizing the peak time, in which he can do or
give his best performance. So, it is about how he manages his time efficiently than others. I am
coming to this point, as how you can also do that, in the next slide. But, before that, do you know
that the job that you struggle to accomplish, most of the times you say that Oh! It is a very
difficult thing, only I am trying to do it with lot of efforts, I am working so hard, so that job,
whatever job it may, be can be done 10 times better than at least by 10 other people in the world!
So, whatever we think that we are doing to our best with lot of hard work we should always
understand that it can be done 10 times better than us in the world. There are always examples to
prove that and you should keep that in mind, so you should not let your mind bogged down by
the thinking that okay, I am spending more time, I am working, and then I am doing this within
this time, it’s not like that, maybe you are doing in a way that you are actually working hard but
not smart.
How can you work smart? Now look at this point, by synchronizing the real clock with your
biological clock.
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Now, we all carry within us our biological clock that is based on the time, lunar cycle, season or
year which is also responsible for our psychological clock or mindset. Now, this biological clock
okay, at sometimes, in a different manner uniquely depending on the body, depending on the
physic and nature of human being living in different environment. Each minute for example, our
heart beats 70 times on an average. Our moods and alertness and appetites follow a regular
pattern.
So, some people get hungry, even early around 6:30 in the morning and some people do not feel
hungry even around 11:30 in the morning, so some people finish their dinner at 5:30 in the
evening, some people even go till one o’clock, two o’clock, late night or till eat early the next
day morning. Circadian rhythm or biological time may slightly vary depending on individuals
and their environments okay.
So, meaning my time of getting up early, may not match with your time of getting up early,
because your body, may tune yourself and your brain and cause its alertness at a time that may
not matching up with my own time. So, rising early, working late night or taking nap in the
afternoon, so all are depending on your circadian rhythm. What you need to do is that, you need
to identify the peak time, time when you are most energetic and active. Some people by nature,
they are early risers and then they are able to do very well early in the morning, okay. They
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accomplished so much by 10 o’clock, 11 o’clock and then their energy starts declining. There are
others, who start slowly but then by the time afternoon, evening comes, they start working very
actively. So, identify which part of the day you feel your mind is very alert, and then you are
very active and energetic and enthusiastic.
Normally, people say that our motivations decline in the evening, okay, and then it’s like very
weak at night and then when we get up early in the morning, we are very fresh, we are active,
just even going out in the Sun. It is sort of motivating us, but, as I said this is the normal thinking
but depending on your circadian rhythm, your peak period may be different. Look at the famous
author, novelist, Salman Rushdie. He says that in an interview that as soon as he gets up in the
morning, he just rushes and then starts writing the novel, even without brushing his teeth or
taking bath. He just continues with the rhythm, the energy that mind is trying to be very active.
And then, he is able to use that energy that he is able to get it early in the morning. Whereas, if
you look at a musician like A. R. Rahman, he says that night is the peak time for him. So he
doesn’t want any kind of disturbance, and most of his masterpieces are all composed around
3:00a.m., 4:00 a.m., like late night or early morning when he just works without any disturbance.
So, you can see, there are examples of geniuses working either in morning or night or evening
afternoon and all that, but it is important for you to decide, which time you will be able to give
your peak performance and identify that time the previous exercise for logging your time will
help you to identify that peak time.
And that peak time, so you should not be disturbed by anybody, even if you need to hide and
then do your work in a place where nobody can disturb you, so, find a place and uninterrupted
place, be there and then start doing that work and then don’t let the big time slip away through
your fingers. Now, let me conclude this lecture with two timely quotes, one from Haruki
Murakami, quote unquote—He says, “Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by.
The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.”
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As we age, as we grow, we realize that we thought of so many things we wanted to do so much,
but then we end up regretting that we didn’t do, we didn’t even try that, so that is what he says,
when the clock keep sticking, our regrets also keep mounting. But in association with this
thought, look at the quote from Arnold H. Glasow, he says that, “Success is simple. Do what’s
right, the right way, at the right time.”
And, I would like to conclude with the thought that, if you are able to do what is right, at the
right time, in the right way, that is having identified your peak time, you are doing the most
import productive work that will enhance your personality in the right way, possible success will
follow you, it will chase you and you will live a life of no regret. So, that is the most important
way of defining success, that if you are able to live a life without a deep sense of regret, you can
say that your life is by and large successful.
So, wishing you that kind of success, after doing this course, while doing this course and thank
you for watching this video. Before I, conclude for further reference, if you want to know more
about time and the philosophical way of looking at time look at the book on introducing time.
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It is written in a graphical manner and then the online link to Salvador Dali’s paintings on clocks
and the meaning is discussed interestingly in the link that I have given, but there is also another
book by Kenneth Zeigler where some tips are given in terms of time, as well as overall in terms
of getting organized at work. So that will also help you to know more about time management.
Thank you once again, for watching this video, we will get back in the next lesson soon.
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Course Title
Lecture - 07
Managing Time-2: Using Time Efficiently
by…
Hello everyone! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality, we are in
the second week and this is unit number two, and this is actually lesson number seven on the
whole.
In this week, I have started discussing with you about managing time, and in this unit, in this
lesson, in particular, let’s try to look at how you can use the time efficiently. And, before we start
looking at this lesson in particular, let me briefly give you the highlights of the last lesson. What
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did we do in the last lesson? In the last lesson in which I started first to talk about managing
time, we discussed about the importance of time and various perceptions of time.
I pointed out the fact that, it is our perceptions combined with our attitudes, and again
accompanied by our habits, which actually make or mar our life and career. Because of the way
we respond to time, okay, so that determines the way people try to look at us. We either have
concepts in relation to time that is fixed or flexible and in terms of terminology we call those
with the very fixed time frame of mind as following monochronic perspective and then those
who have a kind of multifarious activity minded personality, having this perception of time in
terms of its polychronic nature.
So, when it is monochronic, the person is very much fixed in terms of schedule, and when
somebody is using a polychronic time schedule, is open to interruptions and then quite flexible in
terms of using the time frame. In this context, I briefly discussed with you about Salvador Dali’s
clocks, which actually capture the relative and flexible nature of time. Why it is important that
we need to know whether our mindset is relative or flexible in terms of time, because, people
assess your personality by the way you treat your time and whatever soft skills that you learn.
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Whatever soft skills that you might imbibe, so those skills will not help if people can see through
you, okay. Your perception of time, and especially, if you try to mismanage time, whatever
cosmetic touch you will give in terms of soft skills, will not have any relevance. So, it is
important that your soft skills learnt, imbibed should go with your personality that has a very
disciplined sense of using time and you need to know how to manage it effectively also.
So, in the last lesson again in terms of controlling time, I gave three important points—1. Take
log of your time. I suggested that you identify not only the peak time, but also the time in which
you waste. Just identify how your entire day is spent, how your week is spent, identify in terms
of similarities between days, see how your Sundays are spent, how your Mondays are spent and
then see how you are spending one month, see how you spend a year, one academic year, okay,
in certain cases it can be financial year also. But see, whether a pattern is emerging and then the
second one is scrutinized time leakage. Just see in your entire week, in your entire day, how are
you wasting time or how time is slipping without your knowledge.
And the third point I made is once you are able to identify the time leakage, try to control it and
then use it for more productive ways of advancing your career, that is try to create time for those
activities which you can use in a creative manner. Now, to do more things in less time and much
more efficiently than others, I also suggested that you should try to synchronize the real clock
with your biological clock, so we all have our circadian rhythm.
We all have our Peak Active Time. So, I just put an acronym to indicate that I call it as PAT. It’s
the time that you get a PAT okay. You are just pushed, you feel that you have lot of energy, it
could be for some early in the morning, some even in the evening, some it could be even late
night, but try to identify that peak active time and try to work accordingly. Success is doing the
right thing, at the right time, in the right way and living a life without any regrets. Now let’s
learn in this lesson as how to use your time efficiently. Using time efficiently, implies that you
make the most of your time by doing activities of high value and ensure that the time gets
utilized in a productive manner.
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This means, you try to filter activities of less value or activities of no value and then use all your
time by doing only the activities of high value. Now, an interesting fact about time in reality is
that we cannot actually manage time, whatever we do, time goes on its own pace and then you
cannot stop time. In a sense, you cannot manage it. But, we can only manage ourselves, our
habits, our perceptions, and our relationship with time. In order to alter our perceptions, our
relationship with time what should we do?
The first thing is, you plan for your lifetime, the lifetime expectancy has increased and if God
willing and then if you are saved by all medical and technological advancements one can even
live up to 80 years. Now, what is the lifetime that you expect? Is it 80, 70, 60, 50, but this is
without giving contingency to the fact that there could be natural calamity or any sudden
accident that can cause death before the normal expected lifespan that apart. Suppose you are
assuming that you will live happily till 65, okay. Now, what are your plans for this time?
Whether it is education, career or relationships, try to plan for your lifetime. If you think your
lifetime is up to 65 years, if you think that no, you are already weak and then unhealthy you will
leave only up to 50 years. But, have you thought of what will be your lifetime plan? So, plan at
the age of 50, at the age of 60 what are you going to do? Where will you be? In terms of
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Education, you should understand that real education is a lifelong learning, one diploma you got
and then that led to another degree, which led to other degrees, which led to other advancement
programs of your career. And, so on… so, you never end up, okay, having done something and
then you stop educating yourself. It’s a lifelong learning. So, if you understand that how long
will you continue to learn, what will you learn, and how will you apply that learning? Think
about that and choose your learning path that will keep you stimulated throughout. This means,
you should choose something, for which you will be so passionate about and then you will never
feel tired or unmotivated whatever happens in your path. So, in terms of your career, decide at
what position would you retire? To reach the position and place, what should you be doing at the
age of 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80?
So, what should you be doing? Now, once you understand that you will reach a position, you will
reach a level in your career and you will achieve this in your life, at this age. Now, what should
you be doing to achieve that at this point of time? So, to do that, look at the next suggestion I am
giving. Break your life plan into realistically achievable goals, identify your merits and
limitations. Have a realistic assessment of the possibilities of making things happen if you work
with what you have. So, first know where you are strong and also know where you are weak. So
with your strength, so make a realistic assessment of the possibilities of making things happen
if you work with whatever assets that you have. So, normal people can have it let us say in five
years, maybe you have some special abilities, you can finish it in four years, or you are slightly
having some deficiency so you will take 6 years. So, you assess how much time you will take to
achieve a target that you have in your mind or a goal that you have set for your lifetime planning.
Should you not change your strategies, once you know fully that this is going to delay should
you not change your strategies, work in a different manner, invite new and different sets of skills.
Especially if you want different results. Yes, you should, if you work in the same manner you
will get only the same results. If you want to produce different results, totally different one, you
need to adopt different strategies. In terms of using time efficiently, some people try to resist
managing time, okay, why do they do that? They resist managing time because of the delusion or
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by deluding them into the belief that they do not want to be slaves of time. They say that no
making schedule, making tight rigid time plan, so, then sticking to it that makes me look like a
slave. I don’t want to run after time, all the time. But, as a matter of fact, liberation, freedom
comes from oneself. Only by efficient management of time, only by sticking to your schedule,
only by sticking to your plan, on trying your maximum to follow that plan, you will be able to
free yourself.
And create more time for yourself, when you mismanage time you are actually a slave to your
passion, slave to your habits, slave to the fact that you are always postponing and mismanaging
time. Now how to use it efficiently in terms of managing— some more suggestions… Write your
goals; now your goals may keep changing, maybe every five years, ten years or there may be
some paradigm shift in your thinking and the gold may change even at the stroke of a midnight
or just overnight, you can just change your plan. That’s fine. But, currently whatever goals you
may have, you should write or you should type it in a paper, you should stick it in your diary,
you should put it in your planner or you should keep it in your to do list, because goals will
become achievable, only if it gets written, only if you type it, only if you write it. You have to
see it graphically only then your mind will accept it by visualizing internally, so, you can write it
even on your bathroom wall. Successful entrepreneurs, people who tried for competitive careers
like administrative services, so there are people who have written their name along with IAS, IPS
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or whatever degree they wanted to achieve on the bathroom wall and every time when they were
taking bath they were reading it, okay, and then they were trying to internalize and some people
started this even when they were just in 10th standard or so and then they kept on visualizing
this. So, it is important that you write it on your bathroom wall or even on the mirror like Steve
Jobs we are told that, he wrote on the mirror that that is especially, when he was diagnosed for
his cancer. So he wrote on the mirror that if this day is the day that you are going to die, would
you do the same thing that you plan to do today, okay. Then, whenever he looked at if this is that
day, the final day, so he altered his to do list and then he went for the most important one that is
on the topmost priority. Some people write it on the table, so wherever you want you write it,
and then see it, keep it in your mind, internalize it all the time. So, keeping on visualizing them
and then striving to achieve the goals with constancy of purpose. So, it is very important. So that
determination should not go away from you, that will come only when you write the goals and
then visualize it.
Secondly, prioritize your activities while making a lifetime planner it is important to arrange
your activities or work to do on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis. Use a planner,
whether it is offline or online, but then, you try to do this and then arrange the top most
important one on the top. Stick to your activities, once you have prioritized you should stick to
your activities and completely avoid distractions of all kinds. And, stop leakage of time at least
try to minimize distractions and interruptions. Let’s try to look at these points elaborately now.
First about time leakage— how do you let the time get leaked? What do you do? So that you
don’t realize that the entire day is just slipping and then at the end of it you feel that you have
just wasted so much of your time, what have you done?
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And, how does time get leaked? It can happen because of these reasons: Allowing others to
interrupt, so you are so busy, you are in the flow but then you let people interrupt, they just drop
in, and then they come for a chat and then they just they want to just spend some time, they want
to pass their time, kill their time. But, then they come and completely interrupt your activity that
should be completed by a dead line. Telephone calls, knowing fully that it is a spam call, it is a
call from a vendor, sometimes we just take it and then you just think that you will respond, and
the vendor keeps on talking to you and then waste your time. So, allowing others to interrupt is
one major cause.
The next one is, not delegating work. Sometimes people think that they’re the best ones and then
nobody can do the work like that, so that is not true. If there is a work, that has to be done only
by you okay, keep it. But, there are certain jobs which can actually be done by other people,
sometimes even better than you, there are technicians who are more add up and then more
efficient than you, who can do the job better than you. So, delegate work to people, give work to
somebody who can do it on your behalf. Sometimes, there are friends who do it just for the love
of helping you, sometimes there are professionals who charge something and then do it for you.
Sometimes, there are colleagues who will take the job, but then, they expect something in
exchange. In whatever manner, delegate that work that can be given to others, then, taking plenty
of time to decide trivial things: This means most of the times you are indecisive and even a very
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small thing that you take so much time to decide. In the morning, people like President Obama
and then so many celebrities, even Steve Jobs, they all wear the same kind of dress all the time
because, they have decided not to spend time on trivial things and then same color, same dress
and then whether it is T-shirt or a suit, they just keep on wearing the same thing, so that time is
not spent or wasted on deciding what to wear and even they consider that as a trivial thing. So
they standardize a dress and then they use it throughout. So, indecisive moments in terms of
deciding trivial things will kill your time, take it away from you. It can also happen, if you work
with inadequate information. You are not sure how a job should be done; the boss has not given
enough information or you are not willing to collect enough information or you are working with
very less information.
So, again you will waste so much of your time. Then, you lack in a clear sense of priority, you
are not sure whether this is the job you should be doing it at the top, or you should be doing some
other job. Also, lack of proper planning, so you have not thought when you will do this, but then,
just like that you are doing it. Then, unrealistic and rigid planning. Unrealistic and rigid planning
meaning that, you are not giving any flexibility to your work schedule. So you think that it
should be finished only at this time but then there were interruptions which you did not give
contingency. So you get more stressed, and then you get stressed and then become tired so that
reduces your work efficiency, waste your time. Again, the other important thing which we will
discuss later is when you feel embarrassed to say no or you say yes, when you actually have to
say no, so that is a problem. So, people just come and hijack your time because they know you
have an inability to say no to them, then, time leakage can happen because of disorganized
surroundings. Look at your table, it should be completely clean or only the work that should be
done should be on your table. Look at your room, is it filled with untidy things and then
unwanted stuff?
So, keep your surroundings clean, particularly your table, your desktop, okay! The work place
should be very clean, so if you organize your surroundings, so your time will get organized
automatically. Next, not keeping things in their places and searching for them, you should learn
that you should keep things in the right place, so that, if you are looking for a key you know that
the key is kept next to the door, on the key hanger, and all keys are there. So, when you keep all
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the time you should keep in the same place. So that, when you look for your mind remembers
that you look for, in that place only. The moment you misplace, it will be very difficult to track it
and especially if you do not keep so many things in their places then it is a complete mess. The
next important one is getting distracted by social media particularly WhatsApp, Face book and in
general whether for a personal or professional level getting email notifiers. The most important
thing either on your mobile or on your laptop or on your desktop is to remove all notifiers okay!
So, when an email comes, you need not know when it is coming, when a WhatsApp notification
comes you don’t have to know it immediately, same thing with face book. Some people think
that, okay, I will put it in the silent, vibrate mode, even that you just remove it because even the
vibration, if you are sensitive enough, can distract you and then can cause you stress. It is human
tendency to just quickly check, who has sent what and that anxiety, that all the social network is
giving us as to see: oh! whether it is an important message that I need to attend immediately!
And 99% those are not important messages, and if it is an important one, you will know anyway.
So, keeping this in mind, let us look at emails particularly and see how you can save time by
managing emails. Because, emails are real time disasters, if you just let yourself distracted by
emails. Instead of getting up in the morning and checking the email for the first time and then
keep on checking it using your mobile apps, using your laptop, using your I-Pad, using your
computer, keep specific time for checking mails, okay! People will know when you are checking
mails and when your reply will come in a day. It can be sometimes in the afternoon, known time
before lunch or after lunch, so identify those times when your energy level will low.
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Because, this doesn’t require high energy level for working, it is just a response that is needed.
And use filters, spam filters and other filters to sort mails according to subjects, so all spams will
go to one filter, one folder and then you just delete it. And then, mails according to the subjects,
you can create folders and send the mails directly to the folders. Suppose, it is just coming from a
group, okay, and then which you don’t have to see all the time. It is about some subject that you
are interested, okay!
Let’s say you are interested in cooking and you joined a cookery group and then they keep on
sending a menu every day, so you don’t have to immediately see that, you need it only when you
are going to cook. So don’t look at that frequently, so use the filter, let it go to a folder and be
there. Open it when it is required or open at the specific time in each day when you have planned
to open it, when you look at the subject okay, and usually saying that by a new credit card, okay
and then you don’t want a credit card.
So, just by looking at the credit card subject, you can just delete it. Look at the subject, even
without opening you delete it, it will save so much time. Act immediately, once you open an
email, because the time you think that you will take a second look and then keep it, and then go
again and then decide just to delete or to respond, is actually going to waste your time, in the
sense that you are utilizing time twice for the same activity. So, once you decide to open and
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mail, decide what you will do with it and then, if you have to delete, delete, if you have to
respond, respond. Don’t keep it for a second look.
If however, you need to keep it, really it is an important mail and then you have to look at it
carefully and answer it, it will have some legal validity, you flag it and then keep it in a different
folder but then don’t keep it in the inbox, why? You need to keep the inbox clear, because
efficient E-mail management is indicated by a clear inbox. Clear inbox gives a feeling of peace,
calm and mental satisfaction. When you look at the clear inbox, it’s like your mind is also feeling
that it’s clear. Never use your inbox as a reminder list. Create a pending/waiting folder in case
you have to keep some mails as a kind of waiting or something that requires your attention at a
much later stage. By using these tips, you will be able to save time by managing emails.
What are other time cancers, what are other factors of time that will eat time and consume it
without giving time for you for very highly productive activities? The most important time
cancer is your own lazy mindset combined with immediate pleasure-seeking thoughts. So, you
need to focus on the immense satisfaction you will derive by accomplishing a job as per your
priority and in efficiently in time. So sometimes, often some pleasure speaking activities like,
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even watching TV or just chatting with a friend, may take over an important activity in which
you need to complete an assignment before the deadline.
But the mind thinks lazily and mind set for that immediate pleasure, so you need to control it and
then you have to think about the great satisfaction that you will derive by completing a job as per
your priority and efficiently in time. And then, never do a thing, that you can do it today and
never try to postpone it for tomorrow. So human tendency, is to leave it for the next day and then
thinking that okay, next day things will become better. Now, about this postponement,
procrastination we will discuss more in the next lesson. But some people waste away their time,
while away their time, by believing that they will wait till the pressure mounts up, they will wait
till the 11th hour and they think that they are masters of 11th hour and then they think that they
will work under pressure.
But the problem is often when you work under pressure, you somehow finish the job, but then
you realize that without that pressure you could have finished the job much better. Last minute,
you over look some important points, important errors, but then if you could finish it before time,
you can give contingency for checking the document one more time and then the thinking that
nobody is in a rush why should I do it in time? So, looking at the peer group and thinking that,
hai everybody is in a slow mode, so, why will I run and then finish it before time? So, I will
follow the peer group, the other mentality is to be thinking, wanting to know the end results,
saying that, you need the end results before starting. So, saying that, if only I will know I will
pass in this examination, I will study, otherwise, I have been failing in this exam for three years,
so there is no guarantee that I will study now. So, nobody can give in written about the end
result, but there is only one guarantee that if you work hard and strive to improve yourself
definitely the end result will be according to what you expect. So, thinking that end result should
be positive, and if it is not shown to them beforehand, people don’t even start their work. Now,
this is also combined with the escapist tendency, that is running away from any tight schedule
and foolishly believing that one is freeing oneself, thinking that okay I will avoid it, I will escape
from this, I will enjoy the party, and this work can wait. But actually, thinking that you are
escaping, you are actually putting more stress on yourself, the other thing is watching TV or
surfing on the net excessively about this, I have discussed much in the previous course.
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But, enough to tell you that both cases watching TV or surfing on the net has to be used in a very
effective manner only when required. You can use that for refreshment, but not for killing
yourself, giving you lethargy and making you feel just lazy and then become that couch potato.
So, I also talked about this Zeigarnik Effect, that will not let you leave a serial, once you start
watching it. Because, you need to know what will happen in the end and the end can come after
three years, five years and you will just while away your time.
So, be careful if your time gets leaked because of watching TV or excessive surfing on the net,
so you have to curtail it. There is also one worst tendency, that can again eat up your time that is
the self-sacrificing helping tendency, thinking that others have come to you for help and then you
will sacrifice your job, your goals and then make their job most important, and then finish
helping them to complete their job. So, you feel like a hero when you are able to rescue
somebody from the trouble.
But then, more and more you do that, at the cost of sacrificing your time, you are caught in a real
soup where nobody else will come to help you and that can again give you stress. So, these are
other important features, human tendencies which actually try to kill our time. Now, in order to
avoid this, I would say that you should give due regard to your deadlines.
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People give scant regard to deadlines, they don’t bother about deadlines. But give due regard to
your deadlines, the unknown deadline that God has set for us is not clear. So, as I was trying to
tell you on the beginning whether you will die at 80 or 80 that is not in your hand, whether you
are healthy or unhealthy, the unknown deadline the day in which you will stop putting an end to
all your work is the day in which you die. So that is not known to us, okay and then there are
some unforeseen events that can force you to reduce your workspace.
For example, job retrenchment, so you plan to do something through your job, but then, you are
fired off from the job, they wanted to reduce the number of workers, but they are running in a
financial crunch, so what do you do? Sometimes, accident that makes one inadequate for the job,
ill health, natural calamity all these things can actually make your pace reduced forcibly. Now
keep contingency to these ones, so since you actually do not know how your deadlines can be
extended by unforeseen events.
It is important that, you always work with a great sense of urgency, as if anything tumultuous,
anything turbulent can happen at the next moment and jeopardize the plan schedule. It is a forced
sense of urgency, some people use the term the dying man metaphor as if you are going to die in
the next moment so what would you do if you are given a chance to complete what you have it at
your hand because you are going to just die on the next day. So, finish it, with that kind of
urgency as if there is no time left, we always delude into the belief that we have ages, lots of
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years, so many hours to complete a task. But, when in reality we do not know the actual deadline
okay, that God has planned for us and we do not know that we cannot keep on postponing or
how long we can keep on postponing things. What about good planner? Good plan is: finish a
job before the deadline. They keep some time for last minute revision or improvements.
Whereas, bad planners, those who mismanaged time, often miss deadlines and regret over lost
opportunities. They all the time think that, if only I had managed my time better, I would not
have missed that opportunity. So, I should have submitted that in time, I would not have missed
the deadline, so that was very crucial for my career. The next thing that you should do in terms
of time management is, you should learn to convert time steelers into time gifters.
In the ways, I have been describing before, time gets stolen from you, but apart from that, time
gets stolen from you when you are helpless in situations where you are forced to undergo long
periods of inactivity. This could be due to travelling, so you wait, so even if you go by a flight,
so there is time you travel to the airport and then you go to the check-in, and then you go through
the security check, so all the time that you spend in the preliminary travel and then the actual
travel, so these are times of inactivity, in terms of academic and personal productivity. Waiting
for events, waiting for meetings, waiting for a program to start, waiting or a person to come,
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standing up in queues to get your food, standing up in queues to get ticket, standing up in queues
even to board the bus or a train. Now all these times, are the Time-Stealers. They try to steal
away the time from you.
Brian Tracy in his famous book Eat That Frog, says that instead of looking them as Time
Stealers is that you look at them as gifts of time; why? Because, you could use them as extra time
for your activities, so you know that you are going to travel anyway and then normally you don’t
plan anything, but good time managers plan that they will do some activity even during this time
which are given to them as gifts. So, keep some work available for filling in these gifts of time
on long drives, for example, you can listen to an audio book while on a journey, you can write an
article, finish a report, edit a paper, reread a very important document.
Today, you can use your laptop or if you don’t want to use a laptop, you can use ipad or if you
don’t want to use any electronic gadget use a small diary or a pocket notebook or even simply
carry some loose sheets, okay! So, that will help anytime you get an idea you jot it down, any
time you want to write something so you need some, just paper or a laptop where you can type
things. Schedule informal meetings when you are on travel, when you are coming back by a cab
okay, make phone calls during this time, whether it is professional or personal, use this time
instead of just wasting it and doing nothing.
Often, if you realize this the best productivity happens in unusual circumstances that generates
out of the box thinking and foster creativity. Many people have written good poems when they
are waiting for something in the bus stop or places like that. So, many people have finished that
most important project proposal when they were just travelling on a flight. There are times when
the flight got canceled and then people were just sitting inside the airport and wrote that most
important speech.
People similarly sit on the railway platform and then again, they have created wonderful things
which do not happen when you force yourself and sit in the same environment. So, mind has a
way of working slightly in a better manner in unusual circumstances so out of the box thinking
can happen and then even creative endeavors can be done during this time. So, make use of this
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time instead of having a negative view on them as time Stealers. Look at them as gifts of time
and then use them as real gifts. Now apart from this, generally how do you find the time?
When you say, I have no time, oh! I am so busy, now all these things are indicating that you do
not want to spend time in those activities where you say I have no time, or I am busy. So people
for example, tell you, exercise, morning walk, okay! So, no I have no time, I am so busy. Your
son or daughter wants you to come for that important annual event in the school. Again, you say,
no time, all these excuses rather indicate that you do not want to spend time in those activities
because, our actions reveal our priorities and even if we climb that we have no priorities what we
do finally actually reveal to others as our priorities.
There is an interesting book by Ian Seymour, Maximize Your Potential, in which he makes an
interesting observation related to this I quote from him, when people say they can’t find the time
what they are actually saying is that, whatever it is, it is not really important enough for them, at
least at that moment to actually find the time.
The fact is, we all prioritize our time, albeit sometimes unwittingly, so whether you say I do not
prioritize my time, or I always prioritize my time and this event is not in my activity,
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unwittingly, willy nilly we are actually prioritizing our time. That is, determined by what we do,
not buy what we tell people. Now, Seymour proves this point by making a person who finds
doing an additional boring job for an hour for 28 days impossible.
But the same person agrees to do once the author is willing to offer him ten thousand sterling
pounds cash at the end of 28days! So, how come this is possible? First the person said that, doing
one-hour additional work for 28 days is impossible and especially to do that boring work. But,
when the author said I am going to give you 10,000 sterling pounds cash at the end of 28 day,
once you finish the job, so he said, it is possible and then he did it and got the money also. Now,
that only is trying to prove the authors earlier point, that when people say that they don’t have
time. They actually don’t want to find the time or at least they are trying to tell us that at this
moment, I actually don’t find this important for me to do. But the next important thing is when
we say that whether we like to prioritize or not, we always prioritize things unwittingly, we
should also make the right priorities. So, what should we keep in mind in order to make the right
priorities?
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Steven Covey, in his most famous book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he gives a
model, so you can look at this on one side you have importance and urgency, so the first
quadrant, you fill all the urgent and important, do it now activities, and on the second quadrant,
you put slightly low ones and on the left, it is high. So here, second one, it is important, not
urgent and you decide when to do it okay, you have sufficient time to do it.
The third one, is not important, not urgent that you can actually dump it and the fourth one again
comes to the left side it is urgent, but not important and this is something you should delegate.
This is how you can prioritize and then look at the urgent and the important and the thing that
should be done only by you and you should do it now.
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So, like in terms of details the urgent and important activities could be a crisis that you need to
attend immediately pressing problems, deadline given projects. Whereas, the not urgent ones,
activities like trying to prevent something, relationship building, recreation activities, thinking
about new opportunities, they are not urgent but still important. The third one or activities in
terms of interruptions, some phone calls, some mail, some meetings popular activities which
sometimes you can even delegate.
The fourth one are related to activities such as, you spent time in small errands, trivia which you
can completely ignore some email, some phone calls and time wasters and then pleasure
activities. So, if you can divide your life plan in this manner you will be able to identify what is
the most important and most urgent one and give your utmost time to that. Now, before I
conclude, you should also know something about this Pareto Principle.

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Pareto Principle is named after the Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto, who noted that 80% of the
property in Italy was owned by 20% people, which means only 20% of the people were actually
amassing 80% of the land in Italy. Now, this was later developed by Joseph M. Juran
management consultant he called this as 80, 20 rule or 80, 20 principle and then he suggested
that in business we can apply this to steady sales productivity, extra and then he observed that
80% sales actually came from 20% of clients.
So, it is the 20% of clients, rather are giving that 80% of profit to a company and in terms of
productivity, we can apply this rule to look at the fact that 80% of your inputs depend on 20% of
your activities, which means, there are some very important activities if you do that that will
create an impression that you have completed about 80% of your job. Conversely, 80% of your
problems can be attributed to 20% of causes, meaning there are some source of problem,
sometimes people read this, even it could be 99% and one also depending on the situation.
For example, one boss and is a really bad one, who doesn’t know how to manage time, now if he
happens to be your boss, he can be the cost for 99% of your problems. Same thing, with your life
partner, a very close colleague with whom you spend all your time, and conversely, if you look
at 20% of your core group, emotional, professional, academic where you have friends,
academicians and then blood relations who all support you and then encourage you to do things,
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mostly they amount to 20% these are the people who are contributing to 80% of your life. So,
what you need to do using this Pareto Principle, in terms of utilizing your time. Prioritize your
20% happiness determinants, what will make you happy the 20% which actually contributes to
80% of output and avoid your 80% dissatisfaction causes, okay, so try to remove them and then
use this 20% happiness determinants to actually enhance your 80% productivity.
Now, with this thought I would like to conclude with one interesting quotation, the author is not
known, but still the ideas are worthwhile in terms of using your time effectively, and by
prioritizing unknowing, for what you should spend your time. So, the title goes like this: Take
time, take time to think:
It is the source of power. Take time to read; it is the foundation of wisdom. Take time to play; it
is the secret of staying young. Take time to be quiet; it is the opportunity to see God. Take time
to be aware; it is the opportunity to help others.
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Take time to love and be loved; it is God’s greatest gift. Take time to laugh; it is the music of the
soul. Take time to be friendly; it is the road to happiness. Take time to dream; it is what the
future is made of. Take time to pray; it is the greatest power on earth.
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Now for further reference, you should read Brain Tracy’s Eat That Frog—about this book, I will
also continue in the next lesson. And then, Ian Seymour’s Maximize Your Potential, it has apart
from time management there are so many other techniques by which you can maximize your
potential and Richard Koch’s 80/20 Principle: The Secret of Achieving More with Less. So, it is
completely using this 80/20 principle to your life and achieving more with less. Of course,
Stephen Covey’s book, which we discussed previously also, the 7 Habits of Highly Effective
People and if you want to simply know by just going to an online source as what is this 80/20
rule, there is a simple discussion by this Yaro Starak, who discusses this rule and tells why it will
change your life. So, this is a very small article available online if you want to refer to. With this
note, I take leave from you for this lesson, we will meet in the next one which will be on
procrastination, thank you so much for watching this video, wish you all the best to make
efficient use of time and achieve success and happiness in your life.
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Course Title
Lecture – 08
Handling Delay -1: Understanding Procrastination
by
Hello hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
I am Ravichandran from IIT Kanpur, I am giving this lecture and the lesson to you through
NPTEL MOOC format. We are already in second week, and today we will go to the third unit of
second week and on the whole, this will be the eighth lesson. This week, we started with very
important aspect of soft skills and personality development and enhancing the personality along
with developing it that is with regard to how we deal with time.
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So, we started with managing time and in this lesson in particular, let us see how you can handle
delay, so if you are able to handle delay, you will be able to manage time almost perfectly and in
order to handle delay, let’s try to understand what is Procrastination and why do we
Procrastinate?. Now before I start, I would like to give you the highlights of the last lesson, what
did we do in the last lesson?
In the previous lesson, we focused on using time efficiently. Now, what did I mean by efficient
use of time, time efficiency itself implies identifying and doing activities of high value and by
managing our habits and perceptions of time. Now, in order to manage our habits and
perceptions of time and to identify high value activities, I suggested that you should have a
systematic gland, and what are the steps in having that kind of systematized plan, first you
should plan for lifetime.
You should not plan for what you will do now, moment by moment, you have to think as Steven
Covey talks about in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that, he says that he should plan
with the end in mind. So you should think of what is going to happen to you after 10 years of
your career, 20 years of your career, 50 years of your lifetime what are you planning to do? And
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having planned, then break your lifetime into achievable goals. So, you make it smart in the
sense, you make it measureable, you make it effective, you make it flexible, workable and
realistic and time bound also. And then, at the same time you try to write your goals, unless you
put the goals in black and white, on paper, so you will not be able to actually visualize and many
people, many successful people have actually kept on visualizing their goals by writing it on the
wall before them, on the mirror or even in the bathroom they have kept their goals in small
phrases, single line.
And then, they kept on reminding themselves. Having identified your goals and then writing it
and then visualizing you should prioritize your activities. Now you have goals, objectives, but
within that there are so many events and activities which are vying for our attention. So, you
should prioritize, you should identify the top most one.
Now, once you prioritize, what is that top most one that needs your attention immediately, as far
as the value of enhancing your life is concern, not the one that is just standing before you and
trying to pressurize your time, not that, but what will happen if you do this and then how will it
enhance your life so those are the ones that you need to prioritize and then once you prioritize,
stick to your prioritized activities.
Do not get distracted; and take care of time leakage, try to stop them, so we spend quite some
time in terms of time leakage such as interruptions, your tendency of not delegating work to
someone or not saying no in order to please people or working in a kind of disorganized
surroundings, not knowing where to keep things, or not remembering the place in which you
kept certain things, and then spending so much time in looking for one simple thing, just like a
pencil or a sharpener or a pen or a key, okay!
Now, these are things which are actually going to leak your time that is available at your
disposal. Another important aspect, with regard to our day to day life is now knowing how to
save time by managing emails. So, there again, we spend quite some time, I said that you should
spend some specific time for checking, and you should use spam filters and you should not
return to the email again and again, in fact you should go to the email only once and then you
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should decide immediately. Returning is again wasting your time. You should create folders—
appropriate ones—and then maintain important emails for further reference and keep them in
folders. The best email maintenance will be indicated by maintain clear inbox, where if you have
nothing in the inbox at least by the time you go to bed or at least by the time you get up, so you
learnt the secret of maintaining your time, by maintaining emails. There are other time cancers
that we also discussed such as the lazy mind-set, our tendency to seek pleasure immediately, our
tendency to postponed about which we are going to spend this lesson as well as the next one.
Not starting, if not sure of end results, escapist tendency, watching TV endlessly and finding
others’ jobs more important than our own jobs, okay! Apart from this, I suggested some more
tips such as I said that you give due regard to your deadlines, okay, stick to it, adhere to it and
then do not miss any deadline and convert time stealers into time gifters. Time stealers are the
ones which come suddenly like a cancelled flight, okay! Or a train that is delayed and then you
are there, and then they just hijack your time, because you went there without any preparation,
but if only you can go with planned activity even during this time and the time stealers become
times which actually gift you. Unplanned time that comes to you at your disposal and then you
can use it for activities which you normally do not do such as like, even writing a poem,
arranging a meeting and all that.
I concluded, by discussing with you Steven Covey’s model of how you should prioritise the most
important one at the top and then I also throw some light on Pareto principle which is a very
interesting principle, which introduce the concept of 80, 20. So 80% of your productivity
depends on 20 % of your activity. By extension, we also discussed that 20% of your problems,
are the ones, which are actually giving you 80% of distress. Now, conversely, if you look at it
20% of how you waste your time. That is the time you delay doing things, the time you spend in
procrastination can affect 80% of your productivity. Now, is it not worthwhile to look at how we
can handle this delay? Now having watched the previous lectures on time management, some
students where asking like okay sir! It is easy for you to talk about time management, but then
we don’t know what happens to us despite the best of our intensions, we are not able to meet
deadlines and then many of us are not able to focus on high value tasks . . .
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Now, if you ask why? The answer is, owing to your tendency to procrastinate! Okay! Now, this
is something you think that you are not aware of and you always focus on thinking that you will
manage time, but without knowing that this is something that is killing your time, without your
knowledge, sometimes even unintentionally, inadvertently. So, what is procrastination? And how
we can handle it. So, before that, in order to understand procrastination beware of Parkinson’s
Law.
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It’s another interesting law, what is this Parkinson’s Law? It simply says, work expands so as to
fill the time available for its completion, work expands so us to fill the time available for its
completion. What does it mean? If I come and tell you, that you do this work and you ask what is
the deadline? I say tomorrow morning. Without fail, otherwise you will be thrown out of the job.
Now, even if the work is of a great magnitude, which cannot be done even by tomorrow morning
when a deadline is given, you put all your efforts, and then you finish it, before the deadline,
however according to Parkinson’s law, if I tell you, any time you want to submit, any time you
want to complete, you can complete. Now, if I say, anytime, I miss at your disposal the work will
never get completed till I come and say, when I say anytime and when I said that day any time to
you, I didn’t mean 5 years.
I thought that you may do it in a month or so, so you were just sitting on that for about 5 years,
now tomorrow morning if you don’t it I am just going to throw you out of the job and then you
get it in done tomorrow morning, why did the work expand up to 5 years, which could be done
may be in 5 hours or so, so that is a very interesting law suggested by Parkinson. So, whenever
you are given a deadline, and then your work will expand, so to feel the time available for its
completion.
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So, I tell the students, while giving an assignment and even when you are writing an assignment,
when we say that, this deadline, it is Tuesday 11:59 you have to submit it and we say there is no
extension possible, you do your best and then try to finish it even much before Tuesday or even
at least before the deadline. But, if we say, we may give extension, so we may extend it till next
week and there is no hard and fast rule, that you would finish it within that deadline.
So, you will never complete it, so the same thing I tell the student, when they ask for extension
of assignment deadline, I tell them, nothing is going to happen by extending it by one day or one
week because, whatever could be done, you will be able to do it within the time that I have given
you, understand this Parkinson’s law, because you will keep on stretching and what will you do
you will fill the time available with unnecessary activities.
Hence, the wise saying that if you want to get a job done, give to someone who is busy. Have
you heard of this? that they say that, if at all you want a job to be done immediately, they say that
give it to this person, who is running, who is always on the toes, who is always busy and he is
filled with schedule and deadlines, because this person when you give, so he knows that okay
you are his friend, or you are his boss and you want it to be done and he is under this moral
obligation to get it done for you. He or she will do it as quick as possible because he or she
wants to focus on the task at hand and follow the deadline and schedule they have planned for
themselves. Now, that is why if you give to somebody who is busy, the job will be done. If you
give to somebody who is lazy the job may never get done, along with this, you should also be
aware of the fact which I have been telling again and again that you should learn to say no, about
which we will spend one more lesson may be the one after the next one. And everything you do
is an opportunity cost that is something you should realize. Now, instead of completing that
assignment, somebody is calling you for a movie, now it is at the cost of risking your
assignment, not submitting it in time or trying to do a cut paste and getting caught and then
getting zero in that assignment. So, not getting the work done and regretting later, at the cost of
enjoying a movie with your friend now, everything you do is an opportunity cost, that is, at that
opportune moment what you do, you are always trying afraid of something else that you could
have done it in a better manner. So, avoid procrastination by all means, at any cost. When I say,
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like all means, I say by all your mental, emotional and physical means. Try to avoid it, and at any
cost, I literally even mean at any cost, even you give money to delicate a job, okay.
But, get something done in time, so at any cost, even at any cost, even spending some money and
not minding some extra expenses, but finish it in the time that is given to you, now why and why
shouldn’t you delay, why should not you procrastinate? Procrastination: what is it?.
The act or habit of putting off, delaying or deferring an action to a later time especially when
something requires immediate attention. So, something needs your immediate attention, it is on
top most priority, but you coolly put it off, you delay, you defer okay, you keep on delaying it
and you think at a later time I can get it done. Interestingly the word is coined from the route pro
meaning forward, cras: indicating tomorrow, so procrastination, your tendency to believe that
there is a fast forward in life and then thinking that tomorrow it will be done better and then
delaying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, endlessly.
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In other word, if you want to understand what is procrastination, you can say that it is the
abysmal gap, huge gap between what is intended and what gets executed. So, morning you plan
that I will finish reading this novel at 12 o’clock midnight when you are dosing of, you realize
that oh! Only five pages, I could finish, what happen? Okay, so you got distracted and then there
were other things, if only you sat through continuously you could have finished that novel.
So, the abysmal gap between what is intended and what gets executed, so what you thought of
doing and what actually you did, so that is indicated by your tendency to procrastinate and letting
the low-priority tasks interfere with the completion of high-priority ones. So, that is again a
symptom of procrastination, what happens? It will obviously result in panic, it will give you
regret, and you will regret that you should have start it earlier than the time that you actually
decided to work on when it is already too late. What will procrastination lead to?
Procrastination leads to squandering time, that is, you just fritter away time, when it is with you
and it will make you realize about the unused opportunities because of your procrastination, it
will obviously end up in making you give poor performance, resulting in self-criticism and self-
deprecation, casting low self-esteem and then feeling too low that you are a useless person, and
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finally giving you stress, as well as depression. But, if you can handle procrastination, what are
the benefits, how would you feel? Handling procrastination obviously, will relieve you from
stress.
And it will make you cool, it will be very peaceful in your inner state of mind, you will develop,
resolve strength of mind, strong will and determination. You will also learn how to control the
events of your life, okay like controlling your life, giving a direction, having a sense of purpose
doesn’t come to you so easily. Only when you manage time and then you have huge chunks of
time left for planning and executing the other goals of your life you will be able to take control
of the events of your life. Overall, handling procrastination enhances your confidence and sense
of worth.
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But, if you ask me, obviously I know all these things about procrastination, the advantages and
disadvantages but why do I procrastinate? Why do we procrastinate? When we develop
psychologically and emotionally fear for the unknown, we procrastinate. When we fear
humiliation, failure and /or rejection, then again, we procrastinate. When we fear that we are
inadequate and suffer from low self-esteem we do procrastinate. When we worry too much
about what others think, oh! what will they say about my performance, what will she think of
me, what will he do if I behave like this, so all the time worrying too much about what others
think will paralyzed you and then it will make you keep on procrastinating any task and when we
are pessimistic about the outputs.
So, we have a negative mind set and then most of the times we tend to think, oh! I will work very
hard I will do this in time, but I won’t get the reward, the boss will not praise me, I will not get
appreciation, somebody else will get it, I will not win the competition. Now, it is important for
your own sake that you finish it in time, not for anybody else and interestingly what are the other
times when we procrastinate, even when we just feel lazy.
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Maybe you just feel tired, you just feel lazy, so you just want to unwind sometimes, so that is
also the time we tend to procrastinate. A physical statement by Newton, in terms of first law of
motion, when we talk about inertia, actually simply says that when you are just lazy, you want to
be lazy where you enjoy it or not.
It is a physical state, in which inertia is trying to beget inertia, it is not letting you get up. So,
what is Newton to say about inertia. In the first law of motion, he says an object at rest, stays at
rest and an object in motion stays in motion, with the same speed and in the same direction,
unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. If a person is just resting, he or she would like to rest
and if a person is let’s say running or moving or doing something in action would like to
continue with that action in the same speed and in the same direction, unless acted upon by an
unbalanced force something else comes and hinders. They keep up doing this. Both, one who
takes rest and the other one who is inaction, so inertia is also a kind of human tendency that
emanates in a physical level, and it’s the tendency for the body at rest to stay at rest and resist
change. So, you will need greater forces to initiate change in the body, than to maintain change,
which means, when somebody is running it is easy for the person to run or continue running and
when somebody is taking rest it’s rather much difficult for the person to even think of getting up.
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So, lying on the couch is easier than getting up! So, that is why, people once they are lazy, they
just lie and then they even for water so they will ask somebody to get it for them.
Continue with the thought, as why do we procrastinate? When we want to do a job perfectly, you
may procrastinate because you may be a perfectionist and you want to do the job perfectly, you
will wait till you get the funding, till you get the resources, till you develop the skill and when
you write that book and you submit that thesis, when you finish that work of art, you want that to
be a master piece. Now, in the next lecture we will learn how to sort out these kinds of
tendencies and how to beat procrastination and overcome. But, understand that even if you are a
perfectionist, so you may try to procrastinate.
And we procrastinate interestingly when we are afraid of success, when you are afraid that
success can bring its own pressure and then commitment and responsibility which we don’t want
to face right now. And when we are addicted to Adrenaline rushes, any kind of addiction,
especially the bad addiction, whether it is smoking or chewing gum or watching movies,
spending time on the net or even just chatting and wailing away your time. So, anything that
slightly gives that mild rush in your brain and then makes you feel happy. Okay, make you feel
comfortable, so those are things that you have to carefully see whether they are acting as
procrastinators in your life. When do we procrastinate? When we wistfully think that the work
will get done by somebody.
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So, we have an inner wish that oh! I won’t do it, but somebody will do it for me. We also
procrastinate when we think that by delay, the work will disappear. So, this really a kind of
wistful thinking and sometimes even unwise to think that way, thinking that if I delay, somebody
will do, but if I delay, the work may also not be there. Okay, the work will lose its—that timely
value, and one need not do that at all. So, some people even use delay as a kind of strategy to
completely sort of negotiate with the work or completely try to negate doing that work at all.
And when do we procrastinate? When we are overwhelmed by the enormity of the task. So,
when we feel that, the task is too big and our mind makes a mountain out of a more hill, a very
small thing, we think that oh! it is like the Himalayas you cannot do it. Look at this cartoon, that
I got from the net, so it typifies a procrastinator’s mind in terms of getting overwhelmed.
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So, the person feels okay, he says the task I must undertake is towering over me like a great big
monolith. So, what he says and what he thinks, it is too big to contemplate, so I think I will go
and have a little look at the internet. Now, this little look, thinking that I will just spend one
minute time and then I will come back, okay, the one minute never remains one minute, it
becomes minutes, hours, sometimes days, and then coming back never happens, you endlessly
get caught in this internet, and then as somebody pointed out, you lose your focus, get easily
distracted and you seek solution trivial comfort zones, which are available in the net. So,
somebody called You Tube, Wikipedia, Twitter, Face Book etc, as Weapons of Mass
Distraction.
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I would say, this mass distraction, equals mind destruction. So when you yield yourself to this
mass distraction you are actually destroying your mind, you are destroying your will to do
executed job, you are destroying your mind to think creatively, you are destroying your mind to
change you, mold you in to your different person so it is important that you should focus and not
get distracted. Interestingly again, when do we procrastinate? When we suffer from Peter Pan
Syndrome.
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Who is Peter Pan? What is the Syndrome about? Peter Pan is a very interesting character, created
by the Scottish play right G. M. Barry, now the character has been immortalized in so many
forms in cartoons and has become a kind of icon for a young child who can fly, but actually the
child grows up in body as an adult, but remains child forever. Now, the ability to remain child
forever, makes this Peter Pan although growing as an adult, still thinking, and feeling and acting
like a child. So, from this, psychologists, derived the term the Peter Pan Syndrome, which
indicates a kind of emotional and social immaturity. So, to indicate people, who do not want a
feel, unable to grow up. So, you will find that somebody looks so gigantic in form and figure, but
then, the person is just behaving like a child, acting like a child, feeling like a child. So, they
have the body of an adult, but think, feel and act like a child. For instance, not starting a work
without any motivation, so if you want a child to do something, you say that, I will give you
chocolate, so you please do this okay! If you pass in the exam, I will give you this treat, if you do
this I will give ice cream.
So not starting a work without any motivation and if something goes wrong, so tendency to
blame others, so what will a child do, it will always say oh, I didn’t do, so she came and did this,
that is why it broke, all though the child might have broken it on its own. So this tendency to
avoid responsibility, shirking responsibility, being irresponsible and not even letting one’s mind
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to grow up, and accept this level of responsibility, social obligation and developing emotional
maturity. So that is considered to be Peter Pan Syndrome, so you should ask like do you have
this syndrome? Are you behaving like a child? Or feeling like a child by avoiding work? So then,
you should realize it’s high time that you grow up emotionally.
But, as a concluding thought, I want to tell you that delay is dangerous, and delay can even lead
to complete denial of something.
I always remember this story, from Leo Tolstoy’s story “God Sees the Truth, but Waits”. Some
of you might have read this, but, if you have not read this, so you read this it’s available online
easily. Briefly, what is the story about, the hero, the protagonist of the story, is a very young man
and married to a very beautiful and rich girl and he is also is also a very rich person, a very
young man. And he wants to see the fair, so the wife prevents him at the beginning of the story
saying that, please do not go to fair because, I just had a dream in which you are retuning with
grey hair and then I could see some blood or something in your hand and I am feeling very
uncomfortable that you should leave, but he doesn’t listen to her, he just laughs it off and then he
goes to the fair. And on the way he meets a business man, who is again very rich, and then they
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just spent some time together and they want to spend some time in the inn at that night. So, when
they are just taking rest and then, they were just lying next to each other. At night, since this hero
of the story, actually gets up and then leaves early. He gets up and leaves early, but on the way,
he is stopped by some police men, who arrest him, actually for the murder of the business man
with whom he was spending some time in the previous evening. And night, they were in the
same room, sleeping next to each other and the knife was just found below his pillow. Now,
circumstantial evidences prove that, he is the one who actually killed the business man and they
arrested him. Now, his wife also thinks that since, she got the dream and he might have actually
done it. That actually pains the hero so much, and then, in the prison he spends the remaining
time. Until one day, the actual person who killed the business man is also sent to the prison.
And, this fellow, along with other fellow prisoners, is trying to dig a tunnel and by which they
can escape, but, that comes to the notice of the prison guard. And then, when he wants the hero
to tell the truth, he politely avoids telling him the truth. Now, seeing this quality the actual
murder, confuses the guilt. And then he goes and then he tells the magistrate that he is the one
who actually killed. And this person should to be realized, but by the time the order for his
release comes this hero of the story is already dead. So, what Tolstoy, was trying to tell us,
whether it is god’s ways or whether it is human begins way of doing things in life. He wants to
tell that justice delayed is justice denied, but it is not only justice, but any act in your life if you
delay you are denying something. Whether for you or for somebody else or to the environment
that is around you. And the life that you live in denial compare to a life, that you live in giving.
So, obviously will make you feel remorseful towards your end of your life and career.
Now, with this story, I just want to you to focus on one interesting quote from Robin Sharma. He
says that you can’t win if you don’t begin. How rightful it is; you can’t win, if you don’t begin.
So, again echoing other proverb like, the journey of a thousand miles, start with a first step. If
you don’t take the first step, so your journey will never commence. But, I just want to end with a
favorite quote of mine: the author is not known clearly, but then, this is something that I like very
much I don’t fear commitment; I fear wasting my time.
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Now in the name of appointments, in the name of doing something for somebody, in the name of
doing so many things. Actually, there is no commitment, so the author of the quote says, I don’t
fear commitment if I committed to something, I feel responsible and I can do this. But in the
name of commitment, I actually fear wasting my time, people will waste my time.
Now, in the next one, let’s see how you can save your time and then how you can safe guard
yourself from people who just hijack your time. And overall, how you can overcome
procrastination. Last, but not the least. I am not giving any further reference, but these are must
read books. If you are interested in managing your time, life and stopping procrastination, read
Braine Tracy’s, at least four books, Eat That Frog, Get Paid More and Promoted Faster, Focal
Points, Goals!: How To Get Everything You Want—Faster Than You Ever Thought Possible.
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Getting Organized at Work book by Ken Zeigler, and then if you want to know more about Peter
Pan and if you are interested and to know and understand, why even smart people fail. Just read
an interesting article from Psychology Today for which I have given the internet link. I am very
happy that you have been spending some time with me and I hope that time is spent fruitfully,
plan your time to watch the videos and get your assignments accomplished in time. Wish you all
the best for doing this course and continuing and staying with me. Thank you, very much for
watching this video. See you again in the next one.
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Course Title
Lecture - 09
Handling Delay – 2: Overcoming Procrastination
by…
Hello! and welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. We are still in
the second week, we are in the middle of the week and we are today going to deal with the fourth
unit, and this is on the whole lesson number 9. In this lesson, I will be talking about handling
delay, the second part of handling delay.
And particularly, I will focus on Overcoming Procrastination. To begin with, let’s take a quick
look at what we did in the previous lesson. In the previous one, I dealt with procrastination and
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discussed how we can understand, why we procrastinate, why do we procrastinate, and then I
started with discussing the simple law from Parkinson, which is popularly called as Parkinson’s
law, which states that work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. So, this
means that, if you are given an unlimited deadline, if you are given an untimed specified
deadline you will never finish the work.
So, this is a human tendency, so inherently, we all have a tendency to postpone and then it is a
kind of habit that we have developed in terms of delaying things. But, I also told you that it sort
of tells you the gap between what should be done, and what actually gets done, what is expected
from you in terms of delivering and what you actually deliver, that indicates how much you
procrastinate, what will procrastination do to you? So, it can lead to unused opportunities, it can
make you give very poor performance and at the end of it, it will result in giving you stress and
leaving you with a sense of regret.
However, if you could handle it, it makes you feel very cool, comfortable, peaceful with you,
and your happy that you are able to take control of your life and you are able to find a direction
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in your life and you feel that you are not moving like a rudderless boat, but you are on some
direction, somewhere to fulfill your objectives.
And, that always makes you feel cheerful and happy. So that is why it’s important that I
discussed in the last lesson that, you should learn how to handle procrastination. And then, in
order to understand procrastination, we looked at the reasons for procrastination. Some of the
most important reasons that I discussed were such as, the fear of the unknown. We are always
afraid of something that is mysterious, combined with some kind of negative thinking that, that
unknown is always bad.
So, how will I start something, if I am not sure of what I am going to do? Combined with this, is
this lack of self-confidence, how can I actually do something when I don’t know, how it is going
to end. Coupled with low performance and then this fear, that is, if I don’t perform well, if I do it
badly, if I make that mistake, will not people make fun of me, will not they laugh at me, will I
not be rejected by her, if I don’t do this by this time.
And, the overall negative thinking, instead of making you do it much better, it actually compels
you not even to take any action. I also told you in a light-hearted manner that, even laziness, is a
very important component of procrastination. We talked about Newton’s law with regard to
inertia that, when even human beings as a body, if it reminds in the state of inertia, it would like
to continue with the same state.
And, on the other hand, if you are in a state of motion, you always tend to continue with that
kind of motion. Apart from these reasons for procrastination, I also discussed that even a
perfectionist, would try to procrastinate, because he always would like to know the end result,
she always would like to wait for the most important resources to come up, the best stroke, the
best skill. So, this can also delay things. Addiction to all kinds of things, all sorts of addictions,
can also delay things.
And, the simple childish, wistful thinking, that by delay, I can avoid certain things. If I delay
this, I think the problem will disappear and I don’t have to worry much about it. And, there is
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also this overwhelmed feeling, by looking at the enormity of the task, going to which people tend
to get distracted and they lack focus. I also said, you should try to check whether you suffer from
Peter Pan syndrome. So, Peter Pan from Barry’s famous character, who actually has this child
mindset inside and he behaves, feels, things, acts, just like a child, but although he could grow
into an adult body. So, we generally use this syndrome to indicate those people, who are
emotionally immatured or socially matured and then they try to shirk responsibility, or they try to
feel irresponsible towards some of the roles they are supposed to fulfill.
Now, ask whether you suffer from these things, but ultimately, I try to end up by giving you the
concluding thought that, work delayed is actually work denied. I used to illustrate this, by telling
you the story from Leo Tolstoy. The story that God sees the truth but waits, and the moral there
was justice delayed, means justice denied. So, I left you with a caution that, you should not delay
a work, so that you deny so much of developing yourself, enhancing yourself, developing your
soft skills, developing some kind of life enhancement in your entire career, which all gets
stopped, denied, deprived to you just because you develop this tendency of procrastination.
And, last but not least, I ended up with a favorite quote of mine, by saying that or by giving you
this thought that, don’t fear commitment okay, take responsibility, do the work. But, at the same
time what you should fear is wasting of time in the name of commitment and as I said, you need
to learn to say no, and the next lesson we are going to see how you can do that. But, in this
lesson, let’s see, how we can take the bull by the horns, how can we handle and overcome this
procrastination.
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Now, basically if you look at whatever I said in the previous lesson, you understand that it
amounts to saying you don’t like to do, you don’t like to do something, because you are afraid to
do, you think it is too big to do, you are lazy to do, and for all these reasons you won’t do, you
won’t take any action at all, you won’t do it. So, the big question is, the enormity of the work
that is standing before you, that you don’t like that, you are afraid, that you think it is big and
you are lazy, and you ask it in another manner.
The question is: How do you eat an elephant? This used as a very funny puzzle, it is asked in a
very jovial manner, seriously also.
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How do you eat an elephant? Something, as big as an elephant, how do you eat it? And the
simple answer is, bite by bite! Okay one bite after another bite, will be able to eat an elephant.
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If you think of eating the whole elephant, putting that in your small mouth, it is impossible, but if
you could, break that into pieces and then if you are able to take a small bite, chew it and then
take the next bite. So, bite by bite will be able to eat an elephant, but obviously this is a
metaphor, to tell you, that bit by bit you will be able to undergo a task that appears to be
Himalayan that appears to be something that is Herculean, but, you will be able to handle it, if
you are able to take it bit by bit.
So, this is the first step and the first tip that I want to give you in terms of overcoming
procrastination. Any enormous task, anything that you are delaying, anything that you are
postponing break it into pieces.
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Let it be like an elephant, just you break that into pieces. Let it be like Mount Himalayas just
break that into pieces, just break that big chunk of thing into manageable small pieces,
manageable small activities, manageable small tasks. Now, if you are a perfectionist and then
you are always holding yourself to do something and then you think that unless the mistakes are
overcome, you will never initiate this action. Understand this small principle in life that no one is
perfect, anybody, anybody even something that you worship as idol, we hear the proverb that,
the idols, even they have their feet of clay.
So, every, everybody even the great immortal characters created by Shakespeare like, Julius
Caesar or Hamlet they are all larger-than-life characters, but they all had one tiny flaw, hamartia
that lead to the tragic death, okay, a terrible come down in their life. So, understand that, if it is
so difficult even for something who is so gigantic, so larger than life to live a perfect life, so,
where are you? So accept, that no one is perfect. And, don’t be afraid to make small mistakes, so
once you say even by making small mistakes, I will start, start the task and make adjustments,
fine-tuned as you go by, not when you fine-tune everything and then you start, okay. In that case,
you may not even start, that is the concern and as you go be open-minded, be receptive to ideas
that is the most important thing. So, don’t have that fixed mindset, when you start a work. Have
that growth mindset which we discussed in the previous week.
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Keep learning from your small mistakes, we should be able to honor our mistakes and then we
should be able to learn from the mistakes, because, without making mistakes, without failures
there is no success. But, once you start learning from the small mistakes and go with the attitude
that even with the small mistakes, come what may, I will commence action and I will start doing
this work, delay will disappear soon.
Initially, it looked like a huge Himalayan mountain and very soon once you start taking action it
disappears like due when the sun arrives. And conversely if you do not take immediate action a
task that appeared just like a dew a tiny drop of dew we very slowly gradually turn into a very
big mountain like the Himalayas. So, keep this in mind break it into pieces do not be afraid of
making mistakes take one step at a time learn from the baby I keep telling this for so many things
learn from the baby.
And in this case learn from the baby that is never afraid of taking its first step if the baby ever
thought that by just getting up and taking that first step, I will fall down I may break my hand, I
may break my teeth, I may get fracture in my foot. Now if the baby ever thought that it would
make a mistake in walking, taking the first baby step it would never work all of us I would not be
standing before you if as a baby I thought that I not be able to take that first step.
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So, the first important point, break it into pieces and the second one, do the difficult first, that is
having broken your enormous task into manageable small activities, identify the most difficult
part and try to do the most difficult part first. In the time management lesson, we discussed about
how to prioritize okay, so you keep the high-value activities on the top. Now most of the high-
value activity are likely to be the most difficult at least also to start with.
And they are, they are like medicines, like we need to take them, but we don’t want to take them
and sometimes they are very bitter, and we don’t want to do that. To tackle it, Brian Tracy, gives
a very brilliant metaphor, he says that, eat that frog, this unpleasant activity, which is very
important that it gets done. So, he calls that as frog, so look at a frog, so for many people it looks
very ugly, very repulsive, can you actually put that in your mouth and swallow, you will feel oh!
No I feel repulsive.
I can’t even touch it. Now, that is the way you feel about some work, that you don’t want to do
it. Now, Brian Tracy says that eat this frog, identify that frog, eat it first. Now, once you do that
you will find that you gain so much strength and then you are able to do so many things very
easily than what you thought before. Where did you get the strength? By eating that frog! There
are other terms used by other writers and other management gurus, there are people who use the
term veggie or vegetable instead of the frog.
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What is meant by this is, they say eat that vegetable, like for instance, you know that eating
carrot is good for your health, but generally even small kid, when the mother gives, the kid will
keep running away, escaping, avoiding, but would prefer a chocolate than a carrot. So, eat that
veggie, that will give you strength, that will keep you a very energetic. So, eat that one first, so
eat that frog, eat that veggie.
However, unpleasant the task maybe, do that first and that is the one that will actually give you
so much strength, that you have done the difficult one first. So, the third one, when you do this,
still you may find it difficult to initiate action and at that time use this Kaizen principle.
Kaizen is a Japanese principle, just it amounts to small but incremental change. So simply it is
also termed as one-minute principle. At the end of the lecture, I have given you one link, where
you can actually go and read more about using this principle to overcome your laziness in
general. But in terms of this one-minute principle, it is about overcoming your laziness and it is
about overcoming procrastination and to use it for self-improvement.
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What does it amount to? Just practice doing something for one minute, each day at the same
time, for instance, you like to watch TV but, you don’t want to read newspaper, you don’t want
to read a book, you don’t want to read at all, you don’t want to develop that reading habit
apparently. But inside your heart, inside your mind, something is telling you that, unless you
develop this reading habit you cannot improve yourself.
So, on the one hand, your habit says oh! I will rather watch TV, but inside your conscience is
telling you that, develop reading habit. How do you use Kaizen Principle? You just decide, that
morning at 8 a.m. when I take a walk or when I do something else, I will just take one minute, 8
to 8:01 just 60 seconds of each day to read whatever is possible within that one minute. Now,
when you start it initially, you end it up in one minute, you go on with one minute.
And slowly, maybe after the 5th day, 6th day if you feel that you can still go ahead and you are
curious to know what is happening next, so go with the second minute, third minute, fourth
minute, fifth minute, tenth minute and then it develops us one hour, three hours and then you
become a very avid reader and you start reading books at one sitting, three hours, five hours
continuously you can sit and finish it.
So, something that starts at a trickle, a very small drop, moves as the river and falls like a huge
waterfall. So that is the power of this Kaizen Principle, initially one minute, force yourself to do
something that you actually hate, don’t like to do it at all. This in case of overcoming
procrastination, I suggest that do it with regard to something that you keep on postponing, decide
that at least one minute you will do that.
And one tiny part of it you will do it. Now, slowly that one minute will become 10 minute and
then it will absorb you. Brian Tracy and others also point out one important aspect of this flow,
keeping a body in motion. What is this flow? It says, that once like actually I am saying I am
tempting you to start something for one minute, but I know for sure that it is very difficult for
you to end it in one minute.
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Even on the first day you will just go for one more minute, in some cases you will even go for
five minutes and you will decide that instead of one minute you will go for ten minutes each day
and the 10 minutes will keep on increasing. But what Brian Tracy says, is this aspect of flow, the
flow of energy, the flow of thinking, the flow of our work, so once we start something, so the
initial stage is difficult and then as we move on, we get into a flow.
And then, at that flow, will be able to do 10 things easily than before when we thought that even
one thing was so difficult. So, Brian Tracy insists that getting to that flow and to get into the
flow if you find starting difficult, use Kaizen Principle. If you ask an athlete, if you ask people
who are going for marathon, they will tell you that, it is the first step that reaching the stadium or
going to the field for taking a small walk that is the most difficult. But, once you habituate
yourself to go for that walk at that particular time, then taking that first jogging step happens to
be the difficult one, and once you are able to manage one jogging ground in the stadium, you
know that you can go for the second one. And once you go up to five, you realize that you are in
a flow, you can even go more rounds, depending on your stamina.
So, getting into that flow, so that is a very important one and use Kaizen Principle to get into that
flow. Now, once you get into the flow it is very important that you create a positive environment
to work. There is something that I have been telling.
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In various lessons before, but once again, just to reinforce what I have been telling unclutter the
workspace. If on your table, where you are working, so many things are lying around, the 2, 3
coffee cups and then pens, pencils thrown around, so many books, even dress, and then all
unwanted things on your table and there is no space to even write a small thing, unclutter the
workspace, keep the table clean. And keep only the work to do on the table, very, very, very
great people and peak achievers from our own side it’s even people like Abdul Kalam.
So, they were all known for keeping the table very clean and then only keeping one paper, one
file, one pending job or one work to do on the table. So, when you keep it, the mind is able to
focus and then it is able to work on it immediately and you finish it and then, take it to the other
side, file it, take the next work to do, keep it on the table. Now, how to keep the table clean?
Sometimes, it is not possible that you keep it all the time clean. Sometimes you are too busy to
do it and then things slowly start piling up. So, that is the time you need to tell yourself that you
need to organize your workspace regularly.
Before beginning and that is what successful managers of their table have done it, as soon as they
come to work, they will spend 5 to 10 minutes to quickly tidy up things around. And after ending
so daily at least twice if you do that especially when you could do it at the end before you close
your office, before you go to bed, if you can clean the table. And then morning when you get up
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and you want to do something, the table is clean and fresh and then you can do the work to do
and then you will be able to focus on it without any distraction and you can get it finished.
But don’t waste time, straightening and cleaning when you should be working toward the
objective. So, when you have to do the work that is not the time that you should feel oh! this is
too untidy I will start cleaning it, no! Eat the frog first and then eat that veggie and after that if
you want to do cleaning you do it. But this is not priority, but also it appears to be a slightly
trivial thing this is very important also. A clean table indicates an open mind and as Robert
Schuler and others have pointed out—the mind is like a parachute, so, it functions only when it
is open. So, as you keep it open, the mind will be very empty when it will be able to accomplish
your task at much less time and more efficiently than you thought before.
The next point, I want to emphasize on is that, you should set goals that you want, of course you
may ask like I didn’t want to do this for my boss.
But even this case, there will be certain goals that you would still like to do, okay. So, you tell
your boss that this part of it you can do, can he delegate certain things to somebody else. Why?
Because, most of your inaction, most of the times when you procrastinate, it may be due to a
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very uninspiring goal. You don’t feel challenged, so you feel very uninspired. So, when you do
something, ask the very basic question, do you want this goal, is it going to really fulfill you, is it
going to be sold nourishing. And if your answer is wholehearted no, that means that this isn’t a
goal to pursue in the first place.
What should you do then? You should identify the goals that really inspire you and once you
know that these are the goals that will really inspire you.
And, ask questions like why you want to do this? The point I am trying to make is find out, why
you want the goal. Why, because understanding why you want the goal will help you, get clear
of your inner motivations. That will connect you with the innermost self and that if you can
touch it and that if you can motivate, synchronize with your goal, then no procrastination will
happen in your life. So what you should do is that, write down as many answers as possible, you
can ask why I want to do this, why I don’t want to do this, right the pros and cons, and then see
whether you are getting more answers for why you should do this.
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Even a simple thing like reducing weight, you keep asking: do you want to reduce weight, for
what are the reasons and by not doing what are you going to gain. But obviously, you will know
that the reason for reducing weight, is going to have more valid reasons that will try to compel
you to taking that activity. So, unless and until you feel a strong drive and motivation by asking
too many questions as why you want to do this? Don’t do that work at all, which means that, that
work may not be relevant to you. And that will keep on postponing, that will make you feel
somebody like a chronic procrastinator.
So, find out and if you can actually just remove that work, request somebody to do that for you,
even pay someone to get that done for you. So, that is going to help you. But, focus on the goals
that you can actually do although it is looking to be very enormous. To do that you identify that
and knowing why you are going to do that work will make you work anyhow. So, you will do
that somehow or other as long as you know why you want the goal. The next step is that, you
declare your goal, so you proclaim it, you tell your friends look! I am going to reduce my weight
in the next six months.
Tell your friends, that I am going to finish this novel in the next two years. So, I am going to
achieve this target if you are in a company that by this time. I am going to break a record by
achieving this target, tell this, declare this, tell your boss, tell your teacher, tell your friends, tell
your relatives. So, apart from declaring that, share your goal with others. Find like-minded
people to work with your goal.
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So, there are so many people, so they also want to do similar things like you, join them, form a
group, so you will form a kind of synergetic environment, people will start motivating each
other. However, don’t stress yourself, don’t put lot of pressure on you to do it quickly and
efficiently. So, give contingency that there may be slight delay than what you expected. You
thought it will be over in six months, but it is taking seven months, doesn’t matter, this is far
better than not having started it at all. But if you put lot of stress and pressure on you what will
happen is that you make burnt out.
And go back to your old procrastination habit that is dangerous. Now, some more quick steps to
overcome procrastination, keep records of successful work or projects.
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If you accomplish something out of great difficulty, like if you reduced your weight from one
hundred and sixty kilos to just 60 kilos. So make videos, take pictures, so keep, keep all kinds of
things that you will remember forever. Keep them recorded in whatever manner possible and
even if a project is completed and if you won a special meritorious certificate for that, frame it,
put it in a prominent place that you can see all the time and that can motivate you to take much
and much tough work and more difficult and challenging jobs which you never thought you can
do before.
And, as you progress if you think that something is difficult, turn those difficult tasks into games.
When you approach something with a playful nature of a sportsman or even you break some
activities like a game and then you even involve some team and then you say that or this like a
game so this is the rule and then we will do like this and in each one will be doing this. So, and
then add a lot of fun in between, so that will also make you break the monotony and get rid of
this procrastination pattern. But, having done all these things you should not forget to treat
yourself for every successful accomplishment.
So, you should treat yourself. So, if you deprive you of, let’s say ice cream, when you are trying
to reduce your weight but having reduced about 20 kg’s, so give a good treat. So eat that favorite
ice cream, whatever you were denying for quite some time. So, every time when you treat
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yourself, when you actually reward yourself, so your inner self will thank you for the reward and
it will keep a record that okay, if I do good things, if I break this procrastination, I am getting
rewarded so I will keep on breaking this procrastination. At the same time, I want to tell you that
you can also do positive procrastination.
Don’t get confused. On the one hand, I am saying that don’t procrastination, don’t do
procrastination. On the other hand, I am saying that you can do positive procrastination. What do
I mean by this? You can procrastinate with some knowledge in a positive manner, so that for
example, this work, this frog is really looking too enormous and big and too unpleasant and
whatever you do, even you follow this Kaizen method and all that you are not able to force
yourself to do that. Now, positive procrastination, you slightly delay doing this and take the
second, third, fourth in the priority list and then you do it.
Now, you will find that your mind will start working and doing the trivial work very fast, when
you slightly tell you that okay, I am procrastinating this consciously, but I am just going to do
something else. Now, once you do five jobs at one go, at the cost of this one and then slowly you
will gain some kind of momentum and you feel that oh! now, I can do this also. So positive
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procrastination, that it is like, you trade off within yourself that will not do this, but I will do
something else and then come back. But while doing this you also admit procrastination and
accept it as a human nature.
That you acknowledge, you accept it, yeah I will procrastinate but, I know why I am doing this
and then be good to yourself by removing the anxiety of procrastinating. In some cases, people
use fatigue or illness as an escape but don’t do that. Acknowledge small victories on the way
when you are doing something and then you are able to achieve something very small, you
acknowledge it. And, as I said before treat yourself for that. Occasionally, procrastinate with a
clear conscience that is what I said at the beginning that, give a trade-off. Clearly you
procrastinate one important activity, but by trading off that you will do five other irrelevant
activities and then come back to this. But break any procrastination pattern consciously. In case,
you start developing this as a pattern, in case your mind develops a kind of patterning in
procrastination then you have to break it. So that you should not let it happen. Overall, as a
concluding thought, the most important thing is to do it, just do it, because you need to
implement your plan for overcoming procrastination.
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And, not only you need to implement, but you need to be committed to your plan. As one picture
from the internet tells you, just do it, if it is important to you. You will find a way, if not, you
will find an excuse. If you start something, finish it.
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This is very important, if you go back to some of the lessons we did before, I would say that
remember Zeigarnik effect, and in module five of the third week lecture number 17 in the
previous Developing Soft Skills and Personality.
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If you want to go back, take a quick look, otherwise just I have summed up what I meant by
using Zeigarnik effect for productivity. And you can use that for killing procrastination, beating
procrastination. What is this Zeigarnik effect, for those who have not learnt about it so far? It
simply says that, any unfinished activity will give you some anxiety. A lot of scientific thinking
goes behind this they have understood that the functioning of brain itself is like that. If you start
something you have to finish it. If you don’t finish it, it will give you anxiety. So, it is very
important to focus on an activity and stick to it till its completion.
And, even if you don’t do it, mind will keep on going back to it, even if you leave it after a year,
even after five years, ten years, mind will keep going back to that. And then, as it goes back to it,
so what it is doing is that, it is just piling up in your mind. So unused tasks will use large amount
of mental resources, by occupying the premium space in your mind and they refuse to go until
you go back and finish it. So, I was telling you that it is interesting to note that, this is how
people get addicted to video games or watching telly serials because, they always want to see
what next, what next, what next. And, anything unfinished, they want to see how will it finish
and that is how mega cereals are being run. So, till people want to see what is the next day, what
is the next day, what next. But, use the Zeigarnik effect, think about it, and then use it for
productivity, use it for beating procrastination. How? You just realize that it is just the starting
trouble. Use Kaizen, and then start it, but once you start, somehow you will finish it anyhow.
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Your mind will keep on telling you, finish it, finish it. And then be aware of it, so escaping that is
going to give you anxiety, running away from any started work is not going to leave you just
there, it is going to bring you back.
So, once you start it, finish it, and keep remembering the Zeigarnik effect that it’s not going to
leave you. Your mind will keep on telling you to come back. So, keep that in mind and then I
found one interesting chart from the net, which you can always use to ask yourself every day.
This is like from a procrastinator to a kind of person who has accomplished successfully. So, you
start with I won’t do it, I can’t do it.
I want to do it, so that is the time you move from procrastination to action okay. Your ability to
act on something and put that into motion, then you ask how do I do it, I’ll try to do it, I can do
it, I will do it, and the last stage, Yes, I did it. So, you keep asking which step have you reached
today? And in a day, there will be so many yeses, I did it and I won’t do it. It will keep tossing in
your mind, but you need to resolve it quickly and you need to always push you to yes, I did it. As
I conclude this lesson, as usual I would like to conclude with some motivating quotes to famous
eminent personalities one Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln.
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Both have talked about how you can use time efficiently and stop procrastination. Look at what
Franklin has to say . . .
He says, “You may delay, but time will not, time will not stop for you, you will delay but time
will keep moving on and lost time is never found again.” You lose it, it is gone forever, you
regret for it, so that is why they say like you have to beat the iron when it is hot, if you miss it
you miss it forever. And as Lincoln says, “Things may come to those who wait, but only the
things left by those who hustle.” This says that the early birds will always catch the worms, but
only something that is thrown out, something that is missed, some tiny worms, okay! Some
which the early birds didn’t want to catch, so those leftovers are the ones that the procrastinators
will catch.
So, do you want to get caught in this kind of trap, obviously, I know that you don’t want to do
that, so use all the suggestions, tips, implement it, resolve. And at the end of this lecture, if you
are delaying, writing something, doing something, do it. And only then the lecture that I am
giving you will become very meaningful and effective. Like in the last lesson, I just continue
with must-read books from Brian Tracy and then Ken Zeigler. But apart from that as I said I
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have given you the link for this Kaizen for overcoming your laziness. Take a look at that article,
it is fun to read. With this note, I would like to conclude this lecture and thank you so much for
watching this video, I’ll come back to you, with the new lesson on How to Say No. Right now,
thank you.
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Course Title
Lecture - 10
Assertiveness-1: Don’t Say “Yes” to Make Others Happy!
by…
Hello, hi! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. This is the last
lecture for the second week, this is unit number five and lesson number ten totally. In this lesson,
I am going to introduce a new concept, and which is a very important concept as far as
developing your personality and enhancing your soft skills are concerned. It is on assertiveness
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subtitled Don’t Say “Yes” to Make Others Happy! and before we begin, as I do always, I will try
to give a brief highlight of what we did in the last lesson.
In the last lesson, I dealt with various aspects of overcoming procrastination and discussed about
13 aspects to begin with. I asked you the question, if you have to do some overwhelming task,
that is, if you have to eat the elephant, what would you do? You have to break it into pieces, that
is, you have to eat the elephant bite by bite, you have to break any overwhelming task into
manageable small units and then plan it within the feasibility time and start doing the first
activity.
In terms of working it on a small piece, small task and then the second one, do the difficult task
first. Once you have broken that into pieces and then identify various tasks, identify the most
difficult one, and then start doing that first. This is what, is called by Brian Tracy as eat that frog,
and then, there are other writers who call let us eat that veggie. I also said that, you should use
Kaizen principle, in case you are feeling so lazy and so stuck not even to start Kaizen principle,
is to do something at the same time, at least for a minute, each day consistently.
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And this consistency, will slowly make you develop interest into the subject and make to work
wonders, within, let’s say two weeks of time you will be gaining that flow. Now the next aspect
of overcoming procrastination, is to create a positive environment to work. Your work will
progress, only if you are able to create a positive environment, if the table is too untidy, if the
surrounding environment is completely unclean, you will not be able to focus.
So, I suggested that, you try to keep the most important activity on your table, keep the table
clean, do it at least twice in a day, so that, you are able to focus and finish that most important
task first, eat that frog and then go to the next one. Now, apart from all these things, you will not
be able to overcome procrastination, if you do not set goals that you really want. So, you need to
ask whether, you really want the goals, whether you really want to achieve those goals and if not,
if you can delegate that to someone, do that.
If you can avoid doing that, do that, but once you know that it is the goal that you want, only
then even Kaizen principle will work. You will develop interest in that code. The next step of
identifying, whether you really want the goals or not, is to find out why you want that goal. So
like for instance, somebody wants to reduce her weight, just because she wants to wear a good
dress. So, you identify why you want this, and for what purpose, because once you know why
you want the goal, you will try to achieve it anyhow, and then the next step is to declare your
goal.
So, don’t keep the goal with yourself and try to declare this to as many friends, as many of your
peer group, as possible. By declaring, what happens? There is a kind of pressure, that you put
around you and there is a kind of moral responsibility that you live up to the expectation of
others that you have created on your own. So, try to declare your goal and maintain records of
accomplished goals.
So, whenever you achieve small things, keep a log book, maintain a record, so in case of
reducing weight if you reduce from 160 to 60, keep a picture of you, even you frame it in a
golden frame and then keep something for your memory and that will keep you motivating to
take difficult task. Now, in case you think that the task is too difficult, try to turn difficult tasks
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into games, try to use play mode, try to make it fun, so try to instead of looking at it in a serious
manner.
So, make the task dividable and then involve a group and then use certain rules that you will use
it in games and then make it look like a game. The next important thing is, treat yourself, it is
very important that once you accomplish a task, you should treat yourself, you should reward
yourself. So again, in case of reducing weight, if you have achieved a target and so far if you are
being depriving yourself of eating ice creams, do that. So, once you know that you have achieved
a very impossible task, it is time to treat yourself. So, that will again try to motivate you to
achieve tougher task further.
Apart from all these things, I also added a very interesting aspect of procrastination. I said,
procrastinate positively, so what is this positive procrastination? Negative procrastination will
mean, you not only delay but also deny. Positive procrastination, will mean, you are delaying,
but not denying doing the work, but you are doing some other work and then you are making a
trade of. Now there were six other tiny tasks, which appeared to be quite difficult.
And now, this one big frog of a task that is looking so ugly and so unpleasant, now you just trade
off. You say that, okay let me finish those six small jobs and then come back to you, so you are,
you’re delaying, you are procrastinating, with a good purpose in your mind that you will do
something else to break the monotony, to gain some flow and then come back with some
renewed energy to do this task. So procrastinate positively, where you do not deny the task, but
then you delay for a time being, said that you are going to come back with renewed energy.
And then, you will be able to do it much better and more creatively. The last two points that I
wanted to discuss was, above all, just do it, I am trying to make you do a task by giving lot of
suggestions, but the most important one is, the will to do it, just do it no matter what. And then,
the last Golden Rule I was suggesting to you is that, if you start something finish it and in that
context, I suggested that you should remember Zeigarnik Effect, which always implies that,
whenever we have some unfinished tasks, our mind is wired, rewired to go back to that
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unfinished task, and unless you finish that task completely, mind will keep on leaking into your
memory.
It will keep on nagging you, it will keep on telling you, Oh! That is left unfinished. So, on the
negative side it is this Zeigarnik Effect, that if making you glue to TV serials and make you
watch it again and again because of that feeling what happens next. But, on a positive note, you
can use this to beat procrastination. If you remember that, your mind is not going to leave you it
is going to make you come back and then it is going to remind you and then it is not going to
give you complete peace. So, once you realize that, you will not skip, because for your own
comfort you will go back, complete the work. In fact, as I said before, if you start something
finish it. So, don’t leave anything unfinished, with these tips, with these suggestions, I hope that
you are able to overcome procrastination now having overcome procrastination you have also
learned how to manage time and at the beginning we started with having the growth mindset.
Now, the next important aspect of developing enhancing your personality, as well as soft skills is
related to being assertive. Now in this lesson, I am just going to introduce the concept of
assertiveness without talking much about assertiveness and at the end of this lesson, I will just
leave with the definition and one small exercise for assertiveness. But I just want you to think
about it and then let’s start by asking this simple question, have you ever said “Yes” when you
really wanted to say “No”. Look at the situation you said “Yes” to your vanilla flavoured ice-
cream when you actually wanted a mango flavor? You said “Yes” to an ice cream when you
actually wanted a hot cup of coffee? You said “Yes” to the man or the woman of others’ choice
when you actually wanted to marry someone else? The life partners choice itself was not of your
own choice somebody said that, he must be a good choice, or she looks good for you and you
trusted that, but you didn’t make the choice.
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You said “Yes” to an engineering course when you really wanted to pursue a career in Fine Arts?
So, it is not necessarily in engineering course, any course not of your choice but somebody chose
that for you, you said “Yes” to a job because all others think it’s good for you! Even, the job you
said “Yes” because everybody around you thought that it is a good job for you, you said “Yes” to
signing a petition because your colleagues wanted you to do so? Although, in your inner heart
you thought that is not the right thing to do, but everybody wrote on the petition, signed and then
they brought it to you and said, you just sign it, you said “Yes” and signed, you said “Yes” to a
protest because all your friends are participating in it?
You didn’t even think, whether the protest is going for a good cause or a bad cause or whether it
is really related to your innermost goals, aspirations or not. Just because, everybody did it you
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wanted to jump into it. Now these are occasions where you have said “Yes” where you will be
saying “Yes” when you really wanted to say “no”. There could be many other occasions I just
highlighted some of the most important ones, especially, the South Asian, the Indians, tend to
say “Yes” under pressure from society and people around.
Now, is this a real choice, are actually amounting to compliance. No, compliance is a disposition
or tendency to yield to the will of others. Are we really choosing something, in saying “Yes” or
are we actually yielding to the will of others? Now, if you observe this carefully from choosing
an ice cream, to marrying the wrong person, why do many people say “yes” when they should
have actually said “no”? Whether it is simple choice of an ice cream or a lifelong choice of
marrying a person, why do they just say “yes” when they should have said “no” mostly because
they believe that, it is easy to do what others expect us to do.
Because, living a life of our own is difficult. So, it is easy to follow a set pattern, it is easy to
maintain the status quo, it is easy to do what people have been doing for ages than do something
that is different and looking original, so that may be uncomfortable and that is the belief. And
these people believe that making decisions based on others opinion, keeps them in a comfort
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zone. So, they think that only when you follow the decisions of others, you will be able to live in
a comfort zone. But, in fact, they put themselves in a “compliant zone” risking failure, causing
them stress and depression.
There is an article on “Times of India” where there is a very good interesting view by Andy
Molinsky, who analyzes as how do people fall into this compliance trap? why do we get into this
trap of saying yes, yes, yes although we should have said no, no, no. So, to quote from Andy
Molinsky, “You’ve learned to behave in ways that you were expected to behave, so this is how
you fall into the compliance trap, you have learned to behave in ways that you are expected to
behave, perhaps by your parents, or your extended family, or your culture. Over time, through
repetition, and by dutifully fulfilling others’ expectations, you internalize these behaviors as your
own, even if they don’t actually reflect who you are”. So, the problem here is, your strongest
innermost needs and desires are not actually met, that it is not your interest, but you are actually
complying to the expectations of others and whatever choices you make, do not reflect the real
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you. And, we often fall into this Compliance Trap thinking that “the known devil is better than
an unknown angel.” meaning something that is bad, if you have known that for 10 years, 20
years.
So, thinking that this man, takes liquor but otherwise he is good so marrying him is okay,
because he is earning quite a good amount of money, so thinking that he has only this limitation,
than getting married to somebody who is totally unknown. So, the known devil is better than an
unknown angel. The known choice with its own limitations, it is better than a choice that you
will make with some unforeseen risk is what people often, think and by that kind of thinking they
actually fall into this compliance trap. But, happiness in life depends on your ability to risk
meeting that “unknown angel”!
The more you are able to risk meeting this unknown angel, that is the unforeseen benefits you are
not able to see that at hand now, but then once you take the risk, so you certainly get some
benefits. If you are able to identify that, work on it, take the risk so then only will be able to have
happiness throughout in your life. Now, life itself comprises three C’s the first C is amounting to
matter of choices and based on the Choices, you actually take Chances, and depending on the
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chances that you take mostly, chances in the form of opportunities that you utilize, your ability to
take risk even to the extent of taking unknown, unforeseen activities, which come to you in the
form of opportunities. So, these are the ones that will contribute to Changes and once you make
choice, take chance and then you will be able to change your life for the better. If you skip
making choice, that is the first aspect of life and if you give that completely to somebody else, so
you are not going to the second one, you are not taking the chance, you are not going to
experience and you are not even taking any effort about changing your life for the better. Now,
having said this, I would like to look at the next aspect how to make your own choice.
((Refer Slide Time: 18:34)
So, I said that first make choice and then take chance and then try to change your life. But, how
to make your own choice? The first and the foremost lesson, maxim, is that don’t say, “Yes,”
when you want to say, “No!” In fact, there is a very brilliant book written on this title, I have
given a reference to that at the end, it is about assertiveness and it differentiates assertiveness
from aggressiveness, Don’t say Yes, When you Want to Say No, and it is a must read book. Now
why do you say, Yes? You say Yes, because you don’t want to hurt others. Hurting others will
make you feel bad. So, you don’t want to hurt others. You want to make others happy. You want
to show that you care for others more than yourself, especially people who are beloved you just
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want to show them that, your happiness is much more important than mine. So, you want to
show that you care for others more than yourself. You say Yes, because you want others to feel
pleased in your company, it is that appeasement policy, that you want all others around you to be
happy. So, you say yes, yes, yes to whatever they want you to do and in terms of elders, in terms
of boss, in terms of higher authority you want to show others that you are obedient and
respectful.You don’t want to appear to be disobedient, disrespectful to elders or senior people, so
you want to show that you are actually a very nice person, a very good person, so in order to
show that you keep on saying Yes, but don’t say that, when you want to say No, and that is the
first step in making a choice of your own.
Now, in any given moment, choose growth. There is a famous quote from Abraham Maslow,
whose self-actualization theory, we had discussed in the previous course. You can take a quick
look at that if you wish but then, at this point, a very famous psychologist and then he says—In
any given moment, we have two options: to step forward into growth, or to step back into safety,
you step forward into growth or you step back into safety. It’s amounting to saying Yes and
taking risks or saying No and then going back to safety. Growth must be chosen again and
again; fear must be overcome again and again.
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So, his conclusion is that, choose growth, so going back to safety is fear, but then try to
overcome that again and again. All it amounts to is, telling you that, you should be assertive.
There’s another interesting book that I want you to read completely that is written by Stanlee
Phelps and Nancy Austin, The Assertive You: What is assertiveness according to these authors?
To quote from them, assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without
violating the rights of others.
“Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the rights of
others” It is creating a win-win situation, it is not like, I lose, you win, or I win, you lose. I
respect my right, as well as I will not violate your right and allow me to respect my right. It is my
right to say “yes”, and I want to say “yes” and “no” when I want to say “no” In another words,
assertiveness is your ability to say “no” when you want to say “no” and say “yes” when you want
to say “yes” it is not the other way around, that is you say “no” when you actually want to say
“yes” and you say “yes” when actually you want to say “no”.
Now in this context, I would like to conclude by giving you one small exercise, it is just fun. It’s
a practical task, you can do it. What I want to tell you and what I want you to do is this, in three
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different situations practice assertiveness and observe how you feel about yourself. Take note of
your comfort or discomfort. So, what do I mean by this? Three different situations, maybe one
situation, when you go and then ask for a favor from someone, it may be your classmate or
somebody. In another situation, that you are dealing with some higher authority, in another
situation you are dealing with somebody a government employee who need not respond to you at
all. So any three different situations where normally you are compelled to say “yes” try to say
“no” and in certain cases you are compelled to say “no” for example a simple thing like there is a
very aggressive friend of you, who always says that let’s all take coffee, but you want to take tea
or you want to eat that chocolate or something, so, when everybody says “yes” you have the
courage to say “no”, no I think I should be taking that chocolate, I don’t want to have tea or
coffee. So, say “no” say “yes” in situations, three different situations, where normally you are
avoiding doing that and when you do that take note, whether you are feeling comfortable and
you see the behavior of others.
And whether they are comfortable with you or they are feeling some sense of discomfort; are
they feeling annoyed or they are trying to threaten you or are they accepting you. Now, see how
people react and then you act first, try to show assertiveness. Now this is just the beginning and I
want to continue telling you more about assertiveness and then learning how to actually say “no”
how to be the real assertive person and why it is important to be an assertive one.
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Let me conclude this, with another interesting thought from the most famous American poet
Robert Frost and one of his most famous poems the road not taken concludes with these three
lines it goes like this— Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, And
that has made all the difference. So, two roads actually implies, two choices diverged in a wood,
so in a wood, is like a very unknown path, a new journey where the destination is not very clear
and you have to make either this or that. And everybody was choosing the one that is traveled by
so many people, the beaten track, the persona of the poem says, he took the one less traveled by,
although it was initially not clear, but he says and that has made all the difference. Implying that,
it has completely transformed him, it has completely brought lot of positive growth in his life,
implying that may be the ones who took the beaten track may not be as happy as he is at the end,
or may be most of them are regretting because they took the beaten track, unlike him. So, keep
this thought in your mind and try to travel the less traveled road as far as possible.
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Because that will make all the difference. Must read books: One is Don’t Say Yes When You
Want to Say No. The other one is, The Assertive You, I also give the link to the article why you
should not live by other’s rules so try to take a quick look at the article and then try to get these
books and then form a small library of your own. Read it, not at the time of the course itself, but
even whenever you get time, even after the course is over also you can read them, because, these
are books that will help you change your life not only now, forever. Wish you all success, and I
take leave of you now, thank you for watching this video.
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Course Title
Lecture - 11
Assertiveness – 2: Types of People
by…
Hello, hi! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
I am Ravichandran, giving you this course, for the past two weeks through NPTEL, MOOC from
IIT, Kanpur. This week will continue with the theme that I started in the last week, last lecture,
that is on assertiveness. In this week, we look at the types of people with regard to assertiveness
and this is third week, so I am happy that you have done the assignments for the first two weeks
and you have reached the third week and this is the first unit of third week and this is lesson
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number 11. Second topic in assertiveness, and we will focus on types of people. And before I
start, let us take a quick look at what I did in the last lesson.
I dealt with the importance of being assertive in the last lesson. So, overall, we were trying to
look at the many instances in which people say “yes” when actually they wanted to say “no” or
actually they should have said “no”, whether it could be choosing a very simple ice cream or
making a very difficult career choice or choosing a life partner for themselves. People often go
by the opinion of others, this clearly indicates lack of assertion.
Thinking that going by others’ choices will keep them in comfort zone, actually they get trapped
in compliance zone. So, compliance is the tendency to always obey, always be subservient to the
will of others, so thinking that you are actually going towards a comfort zone by taking into
consideration, most of the times the choices of others. So, what you are doing is actually, you are
really not in a comfort zone, but you are in a compliance zone. You are all the time leading to
others wishes, now why this kind of people are rather choosing choices of others than trying to
choose for themselves, most of the times, they are afraid of confronting the unknown themselves.
So, known devil, they would rather compromise with than to try to confront with the unknown
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angel, however good or however happy it might be. But I was trying to tell you that real
happiness will depend on three C’s of life, first one is choices and the choices that you will make
based on the chances, so the chance for instance like choosing between the known devil and
unknown angel.
So, if you make the choice of choosing the unknown angel, that is the unknown opportunity that
is appearing to be risky, but it will have lot of rewards hidden in it. Now, if you take that chance,
obviously it will change your life and changes the life for the better. But, again interestingly,
people often say “yes” when they should have said “no” because, they don’t want to hurt others.
So, the majority of the people they say “yes” because they don’t want to hurt others.
They also want to keep others happy and they care for other people often more than themselves.
They generally want other people to be pleased in their company and they don’t want to be
rejected and in countries like India, in South Asian countries in general, where lot of respect is
shown to the elder’s people generally want to show that they are obedient and respectful to
elders, seniors and aged people. So, they don’t want to show that they are disobedient by
asserting their own choices, even if it is at the cost of risking their own lives, okay.
Now, in order to take your own choice, I just ended with two simple suggestions one— the first
and the foremost thing, never say “yes” if you have to say “no”. So, you should never say “yes”
if you have to say “no” this our first golden principle and if there is choice, you have to make
between fear and growth always choose growth, the fear is always something that is seen as very
dangerous, but always it disappears, once you take the first bold step towards growth.
And, I ended up by quoting the famous poem, from Robert Frost, “The Road Not Taken,” with
the implication that if you take the road not taken, it will make all the difference in your lives. At
the end of it, I also left you with one small exercise in terms of practicing your assertiveness.

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I told you to practice assertiveness in three different situations and make a note of your comfort
or discomfort level and take a note of how others feel, what were your observations? In how
many situations, could you successfully assert yourself? Some of you could have successfully
asserted in two, some might have tried even four or five situations, so what were your
observations? How did the people around you felt about you? Like, for instance if somebody
forced you for a cup of coffee when you have to write that particular assignment, did you have
the courage to say “no” okay, and if you said “no” did you feel comfortable or how did the other
person feel about you, did you note any change in reactions. Often, people if they are so used to
your passive self, they know that you are not assertive and then they can take you for granted.
Whenever they want to go for a cup of coffee, they can always come and drag you. But
whenever they are busy and even if you want to go for a cup of coffee with them, they will
always say “no” I am busy, I am sorry, and you never had the courage to ask them to go with
you. They know about it, but this time if you had said “no” they would have noted that you are
trying to assert yourself. If the company is dishonest, the personhood of basically shows some
kind of discomfort on the face. But, if the person is genuine would also think that okay, this is a
genuine reason that you are giving and the person would not put force on you to go with that
person at that point of time and how did you feel about yourself? Most of the times, when you
assert by being honest with your own inner self, you will feel comfortable, you will feel as if
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your burden is reduced, you will feel that you are not carrying any baggage in you, you will be
happy.
But, in case you are somewhere in the mid-way, somewhere you are not sure of yourself,
somewhere you are confused, you may feel embarrassed, little bit uncomfortable, but that is
okay, that is okay for a beginner. So, now let us know more about what kind of person that you
are so far and then you need to become a person who is assertive, in order to develop, enhance
your soft skills, as well as personality and in order to make that one person that everybody likes,
you should be assertive, not aggressive. Now, I am indirectly using terms like assertiveness,
aggressiveness and passiveness.
So, just to prepare you to understand the basic types of people, which we can categorize into
three— the passive, the assertive and the aggressive. Now, in this lecture, in this lesson, I am just
going to describe these three people and then I don’t want to embarrass you, but I will be happy
to know, if you come under the assertive person based on the behavior pattern that I am going to
describe, but in case you are mostly under the passive category of people, please try to reach the
assertive level. In the next lesson, I am going to teach you how you can reach this assertive level,
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systematically, categorically, smoothly and easily. But, at the same time, never try to emulate the
aggressive traits. You should never become the aggressive people.
Now, let’s try to know, what I mean by passive, assertive, aggressive and then try to figure out
where you fit in. Now, passive types of people can further be sub-group or subcategorized into.
Inactive or the nonassertive, so inactive you understand that they are just passive, they don’t do
anything, and the next level is nonassertive, not showing any behavior of assertion. They are also
coming under the category of being indirect. So, you can broadly divide them into inactive,
nonassertive, as well as indirect group of people, all come under the passive types. Now what do
the passive people do in situations where they need to assert the right for themselves where they
need to speak up what do they do?
Passive people don’t state their opinion at all. They just keep mum, they keep quiet, surprisingly
and contradictally they agree with opposing opinions, even when they know that the opposing
opinions are going to harm their own self-interest, they agree with opposing opinions. They are
afraid to speak up even when they are sure that they are right—is again very ironic right in them.
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They are afraid to speak up even when they are sure that they are right and in fear of causing
disharmony, they allow bullying or domineering people to overrule them. So, since they don’t
want to disturb the harmony of the group, so they will keep quiet, but they will let people to
bully them, threaten them, dominate them and throughout some meetings or dialogues or
brainstorming sessions, they prefer to remain subservient. In fear of rejection by loved ones or
good colleagues, so they choose to be subservient.
So, the indirect ones who also are part of the passive types are slightly better, in trying to assert
in an indirect way but often are ignored. They slightly try to raise their voice, so they are slightly
a simple example— let us say, tea is being served to all, this passive person didn’t get tea, so is
the person who is next to this person, now this person being indirect will not say, I need a cup of
tea, would rather say, my neighbor doesn’t have a cup of tea. Would you mind bringing one for
this person, and when it is brought, so if the other person would ask oh! it looks like you also
don’t have a cup of tea, then the person may say, ha! of course, but otherwise directly the person
will not ask that I need, I feel like drinking a cup of tea. Indirectly, that somebody is not having
and if you come to serve that person you may take a note of me not having a cup of tea and you
may give it to me, so that is indirect method. They’re slightly better but often they are also lost,
because they just murmur, they say things in a gentle manner, they are not that assertive or not
that loud as the aggressive people or now the assertive versus aggressive I already quoted from
Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin’s book,
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The Assertive You, in the previous lecture and I would like to requote the same one, with an
added explanation— “Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself on your rights without
violating the rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open and honest communication which is
self-enhancing and expressive” whereas, Aggressiveness is expressing oneself in a forceful and
domineering mannered that the rights of the other person is ignored or violated.
So, in the previous case, assertive person is also expressing himself or herself. Aggressive person
is also expressing himself or herself but see the difference in the way they are expressing. The
first one is trying to prevent his, as well as others right. The second one, aggressive one, is
concerned only about his right and at the cost of ignoring the rights of other people. The
aggressive person is so self-centered and often angry and does not hesitate to humiliate the other
person. Whereas, the assertive person never humiliates the other person, although asserts himself
or herself, but the assertive one is never intending to humiliate the other person. Now, let us try
to see how these three types of people stand apart, how do they behave in terms of expressing, in
terms of body language, in terms of communication and overall how do they react, how do they
receive others’ responses. So, in the next four slides I have just categorized passive, assertive,
aggressive types.
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And, then their behavior and characteristic patterns. Let’s look at each one of them and then
when I try to compare and contrast, you will be able to understand clearly where you stand and
as I said, if you are standing in either passive or aggressive side, it is high time that you come to
the assertive side, that is why I have kept assertive as a kind of the middle path. Now, passive: a
passive person, fails to stand up for one side, whereas an assertive person, stands up for oneself
without violating the basic rights of the other person.
Aggressive person: stands up for oneself by violating the rights of the other person. It’s the basic
difference in terms of emotion, the passive one is dishonest, feels lot of turmoil inside, feels like
expressing so much, but keeps quiet, appears as if there is nothing to say. Even when somebody
is asking, do you have something to say, no, no, no, it’s okay, it’s okay, nothing. Assertive
person is emotionally honest, aggressive one is also emotionally honest, but blunt, rude in
expressing emotionally himself, but at the same time attacking the others in a very rude, violent
manner. The passive person is self-evasive, so self-evasive is like not having any self-esteem, so
trying to evade his or her own feelings and it is often inhibited, it is a kind of deep introvert as
against having some extra virtual tendencies and most like the assertive or aggressive people.
The assertive one is a very self enhancing type and is open in communication.
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The aggressive one is self-dominating, although open in communication, as I said, open to the
extent of too open, candid and too hurtful to others’ feelings. The passive person is indirect, in
expressive, in terms of expression. The assertive person is direct, straightforward, uses the exact
words and phrases, very succinct in expression. The aggressive one, is too direct, forcefully
expressive to the extent that forces others to listen and all the time bulldozes others to listen to
his or her points only. The passive person is hurt inside and anxious.
At the time when communication is taking place, the assertive person is confident and self-
respectful. The aggressive person feels superior and self-righteous, he or she thinks that only
what the aggressive person thinks is the rightful one, others have no right. The passive person
regrets and gets angry later. Like once the communication or the meeting is over the passive
person fumes within, regrets why he or she was not able to express freely, gets angry with
oneself, gets angry with others, whereas the assertive person, feels calm and collected and
comfortable later. He or she knew that the best was done and done to the favor of the assertive
person. So, lot of comfort remains at the end of meeting or a communication. The aggressive
person feels insecure but doesn’t show it out. So, it is in fact psychologically they say that it is
the insecure people, who are actually aggressive. So very often you might have noted during
riots and all that people show a lot of aggression, they just throw the cycle, they break whatever
is available on the way.
Now, that aggressive behavior is actually an indication of the insecurity they feel with it. So,
they feel insecure and guilty also, although as I said, they may not show it but inside they will
feel guilty that they try to hurt the sentiments of others, they forcefully took something from
others. But it is the assertive person who remains calm and collected and feels comfortable. The
passive person indulges in self-pity and is generally disgusted with others.
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The assertive person values oneself and empathizes with others, aggressive person shows anger
and becomes vengeful even if the assertive person brings politely an argument, the aggressive
person will take note of it and decide that I have to give back, I have to take revenge. So, always
the assertive person feels that I lost, and I should never lose, it is like he feels that you won, and I
am losing. Whereas the assertive person feels or ends up always in a kind of win-win situation,
the aggressive person, it has to be win-lose. The passive is of the category, lose-win. So, I lose
you win. I have no problem. Whereas, the aggressive is at the other end: I should win, but you
should lose. The assertive person thinks: I win, you should also win. We should go for an
amicable solution that favors both of us. I will not give up my right, but at the same time I will
not disregard your right. So, this is a basic attitudinal difference, these people try to show. And
again passive person in group discussions and all that or in situation where the passive person
has to say something about himself or herself never speaks up.
Whereas, the assertive person, speaks up openly, aggressive person interrupts and never lets
other’s talk. If the aggressive person will keep on interrupting, passive person, if at all speaks, it
will be just very low tone, murmuring occasionally. Assertive person uses a friendly tone, neither
too loud nor too low, but quite audible. Aggressive person shouts loudly, in fact, these are the
ones people call us loud mount.
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The passive one, would always avoid eye contact, either bows down or tries to glance some way
or some other way. The assertive person, maintain eye contact and uses positive body language,
open palm gesture, friendly handshake, etc. The aggressive one will always try to stare at people
and starring in such a manner to bully them, threaten them and intimidate them. The passive one,
slouches, withdraws, and always try to maintain a distance; if everybody is sitting close together,
would like to sit somewhere in a remote corner or in the last row.
The assertive person relaxes, adopts open stance and expressions. The aggressive person shows,
very rigid and domineering gestures. Invades personal space of others, will come too close and
try to show very dominating gestures, so that it intimidates the other person. Overall, the passive
person feels alienated in groups, feels isolated, fields that nobody is trying to relate to this
person. Whereas, the assertive person participates, actively in group, feels that he is a fellow
participant and he should contribute. The aggressive person, showing that he is trying to
contribute, showing that he is trying to participate, will actually try to control the entire group.
The passive person nods and says, “yes,” despite disagreement. Assertive person agrees only if it
is in conformity with own feelings.
Aggressive person demands, forces others to agree with his views. Passive one feels inferior to
others, assertive one feels equal to others, aggressive one feels superior to others. Passive, hurts
oneself in order to avoid hurting others, assertive one ensures nobody is hurt, aggressive one
hurts others to avoid being hurt. In terms of the okay principle, passive one is, I am not okay, but
you are okay, assertive one I am okay, and you are okay, aggressive one: I am okay by ensuring
you or not okay. I will ensure that my okayness depends on you being not okay. Passive one,
never uses any strong words expressing desire, assertive one never uses abusive words, never
uses un-parliamentary words, never use foul language. Aggressive ones can be both verbally and
physically abusive. These are the people who are short tempered, who get angry, who would
rather throw whatever is available in their hand on the other person, who gets angry and slaps the
other one, kicks the other one, so, all aggressive behavior, verbal, as well as physical. The
passive ones are just afraid of others, the assertive ones are always assured of their selves and
they are never afraid of others, whereas, the aggressive person threatens others and feel insecure
inside and as I said it’s because of this insecurity, actually the person tries to threaten others.
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Now, in terms of listening skills, the passive ones are marginal listeners, they are not fully
interested in what is happening, but they hear then and there. So, they may not even fully take
the inputs, they may even misunderstand, they may even feel negative towards what is being
suggested without understanding the full import of it, assertive ones are active listeners they take
note of what is being discussed. And, they do not interrupt, they give time for the others to talk
fully and then they raise their opinion whereas, the aggressive ones are poor listeners, in fact,
they don’t listen at all. They don’t let others speak and they don’t listen to others. The passive
ones, in terms of feelings, shows too much sympathy, the assertive ones would show appropriate
empathy, whereas the aggressive ones shows sheer antipathy, only hatred. So, no feeling of
sharing something with a fellow human being, it is all the time showing antagonism, negativity,
hatred.
Passive one disconnects with others, assertive one connects with others, aggressive one tries to
overpower and controller others. The Passive one towards the end of any communication or
meeting or conversation would end up being a compliant, so would complain about others,
blames or sometimes hides one feeling and excessively praises others. The assertive one would
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neither compliant nor praise others, the aggressive one can be sarcastic, critical, harsh and
disrespectful of others. The passive ones; they actually let people use them and they are
miserable without genuine friends, whereas, the assertive ones they try to maintain good
relationship with others, the aggressive person makes many enemies and interestingly they also
lose good friends eventually.
Because sooner or other they will try even to dominate their good friends and willingly even the
good friends realize their aggressive behavior is never going to change, so they follow out
eventually. So only enemies stay with them for longer. The passive ones overall would feel
helpless and alone, they keep complaining that nobody thinks of me, nobody supports me, I am
all alone, I am isolated in this department, I am alienated in this office. Nobody in this world
understands me, nobody in the family treats me fairly, so that is the passive person’s overall
feeling. The assertive person knows how to hide himself or herself and let others help him or her,
the aggressive person forces others to serve him or her by threatening, by dominating. The
aggressive person will overall ensure by bossing around, by manipulating, by cheating, by just
shouting would ensure that the others try to serve him.
Now, this is the way I want you to look at these three categories of people. And honestly, just
introspect, look at the qualities once again, see where you fit in: are you passive, are you
assertive or are you aggressive? Another interesting thing, that you might notice that you may
not be passive all the time, you may be passive with your boss, but you may be aggressive with
your brother or sister, okay, somebody who is lower in position to you.
You may be assertive in certain other situations, but what is needed is that, you need to be
assertive in all situations irrespective of the people around you, whether they are superior to you
or inferior to you or equal to you, you need to assert your rights all the time without hurting
others. Now, in the next one we will try to look at how you can actually assert without hurting
others, but before I conclude this one, I want you to lead with two interesting quotes related to
assertion.
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One is from Warren Buffett the famous financial expert, he says— “The difference between
successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost
everything.”
Implying, the really successful people have the guts to say “no” to almost everything, there
assertive to almost everything, they can say no and that is the key for their success. Two other
quotations from Beverly Engel from the book, The Nice Girl Syndrome,
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Stop being manipulated and abused and start standing up for yourself, is another book that I have
added for your must-read books at the end of this lesson. The first quote from this author
generally tells how you have become nonassertive, look at the quotation carefully— “The
messages you receive from your family or your childhood experiences may have caused you to
believe that assertiveness is unacceptable or even dangerous. Practice saying the following: I
have the right to be treated with respect by others. I have the right to express my feelings and
opinions. I have the right to say no without feeling guilty. There is something I want you to keep
in your mind, in your innermost mind deeply and tell yourself again and again I have the right to
say no without feeling guilty. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to make my
own mistakes. I have the right to pursue happiness.”
How often we see people living a tragic life, because they thought making a choice would make
somebody else happy? But there is somebody else if he is genuinely concerned about this person
also feels so sad, at the end realizing that, that person is neither happy and this person is so
sorrowful, so remorseful. Now, the next quotation from the same author quote, unquote.
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“If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless.
Interesting, if you live your life to please everyone else, that is by saying yes, yes, yes, all the
time, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may
not be good for you. You are not being mean when you say NO to unreasonable demands or
when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others.”
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Now, with this note, I leave you with this new book added under the must read book list and then
I wish you that you start asserting yourself, learn how to assert in all kinds of situations with all
people and demand the happiness that is rightfully yours and start learning, pursuing the life of
happiness by assertion and developing a very successful personality. Wish you all the best and
thank you so much for watching this video, I will get back to you in the next one with more tips
on asserting yourself, thanks again.
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Course Title
Lecture - 12
Assertiveness-3: How to Say “No”?
by…
Hello, hi! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality, we are on the
third lesson related to assertiveness, as per as the week is concerned, we are on the third week
and this is the second unit of the week, totally this is the twelfth lesson that I am going to do.
This the last concluding discussion, I will have on assertiveness and in this one, having focused
on in the first lesson on assertiveness, about the importance of being assertive and in the second
one, about the types of people, in terms of assertiveness, now in this third one, let us learn how to
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be assertive and how to say the big “No,” the most difficult word, how to say that easily without
feeling uneasy and before I start let me give a quick highlight of the last lesson. In the last lesson,
we discussed in detail the basic types of people, in terms of assertiveness—they are, the passive
ones, the assertive ones, and aggressive ones, and impassive types.
I mentioned to you that we can have two categories, one, the inactive or the actual passive people
who have all the inertia of not doing anything, the non-assertive types, more or less one and the
same, and indirect types. Now, the inactive, will not take any initiative, the indirect appears to
slightly do something in terms of asserting one-self, but not that effectively. Often, it amounts to
saying something in a very indirect manner. As an example, I said that in a party, people are
having food together, it is just saying that oh! my neighbor, the one next to me, does not have
this food item could you bring it for him? The same item is not there with you, but you actually
feel embarrassed to say that, so you use a kind of indirect method, so you are that indirect
passive type of person. Now, let me quickly sum up.
As what I discussed with you in terms of the passive, assertive and aggressive people. I made
tabular columns, to distinguish the traits. But, now let us look at them individually, the passive
people don’t state their opinion, they don’t speak up and allow people to dominate, threaten
them. The passive, indirect types are less effective, but more on the negative side. All the passive
types are generally hurt, and they are anxious inside, they are afraid of others and they always
indulge in self-pity. The general motto of passive people is I lose, you win, and the fact that I
lose, it hurts me, makes me anxious, but I will let you win. The assertive people are the calm,
confident and self respectful people who think that their views are worthy, their rights are
important, so they express their rights without affecting the rights of others. They are direct,
open, honest communicators and active listeners. They are self-assured and not afraid of others.
They show empathy, this means they can feel into the inner feelings of other people and modify
their behavior accordingly. Their motto: I win, you win. So, they always end up conversations,
transactions, in a kind of win-win situation. They respect their right, at the same time they do not
violate the rights of others. Aggressive people: they are self-centered, they demand for the rights
forcefully and get what they want by violating other’s rights. They are poor listeners. They
interrupt frequently, they humiliate others and get angry very easily and frequently. They feel
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superior, while the passive people feel inferior and the assertive people feel equal to others,
aggressive people feel superior and they feel self-righteous, they threaten others, but inside they
feeling insecure. They show antipathy, and their motto is, I win, I should always win, and you
lose and you should always lose.
Towards the conclusion, I mentioned that successful people, quoting from Warren Buffett, have
the ability to say no to almost everything. So, they have developed this power of self
assertiveness and to overcome the self-limiting belief that assertiveness is dangerous, you need to
practice saying affirmations related to your rights like, I have the right to be happy, I have the
right to pursue happiness, I have the right to assert, what is really needed for me, etc.
And you have to affirm, you have to tell your innermost thinking, your subconscious mind that
you have the right. Now with that point I left you, now let’s continue with the discussion as how
to become assertive. First, we looked at the importance of becoming assertive and then looked at
the types of people and my direct recommendation was that neither you should be passive nor
you should become aggressive, having said that how to become assertive.
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Now, you should know that neither the passive nor the aggressive people can change overnight
and become assertive ones if they want to. It needs constant practice, in fact that really assertive
people have some inborn, inequalities, that they have not developed overnight, but they have got
it, may be by birth and then they nurtured it using positive feedback from the environment and
then they maintain and sustain it. Now, this is not to discourage you to say that you cannot
become assertive at all—no, this is just to say that, whether you have it in you or not in overnight
you cannot do, but by constant practice by systematic and systemic changes, you will be able to
become a very assertive person and of course bring whatever you want in your life, whether it is
happiness or job satisfaction or contentment in relationships, all the things can come when you
start practicing this one single trait that is assertiveness. Now, how to go about becoming
assertive, let us look at it step-by-step, first start with a reality checking.
What do I mean by reality checking? Just check how is your relationship with others, in
important relationships, such as, the one who will try to control you, say for example, the
relationship that you have with your boss, okay, so in such important relationships just see who
is dominating, who is controlling, who is saying yes all the time, and what are the occasions,
what situation is making you say yes and why you find it difficult to say no, who is the person
who makes the compromise most of the time, if it is you, obviously it’s high time that you have
to become assertive.
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So, you try to do the reality checking, see you a relationship vis-a-vis with your boss, spouse,
partner, colleague, friend, classmate, roommate, neighbor, even a stranger. Have you ever
noticed that suddenly a stranger sits next to you during a journey and then starts dominating you,
so, you want to have a cup of coffee, the person says oh, coffee here is so awful, it is so bad, why
not you have a cup of milk or let us say tea and then you really want that coffee and because this
person was thrusting his or her idea on you, so you feel compelled to say yes, when you actually
wanted to say no, to something.
Now, even to stranger, are you giving this compliant mode of behavior so this is something that
you need to ask yourself, access yourself, in terms of your relationship with others. Now, see
whether you are passive or assertive at sometimes, or aggressive at some other occasions. Now if
you are on the extreme ends, passive as well as aggressive, so you need to balance it. Now, what
is the next step for balancing, you need to change your attitude. Now, once you have decided that
you will take the initiative to become assertive, it’s your attitude, it’s your thought, it’s your
innermost beliefs that will not let you become assertive.
So, what should you do, you need to change those self-debilitating thoughts, what kind of
thoughts: it tells you I am afraid of risk-taking, if I take the risk I will fail. So, I should not take
the risk, I am helpless and alone, nobody supports me, nobody helps me in this activity. Now,
actually if you take the risk and then if you go forward, you will realize that there are unknown
people to help you, God gives you support unexpectedly and when you thought that you are
literally helpless, alone, abandoned, you get some helping hand and support.
But, it is important that you take the risk and commence your journey, and then the thinking that
oh, I am always a good follower, I cannot be a leader, it is easy for me to follow someone, but it
is very difficult to actually lead a group of people, which means I need to have lot of assertive
qualities, so better be a follower and other thoughts like, if I ask them something and tell them
that this is what I want won’t people think that I am selfish. So, I don’t want to appear selfish , so
this kind of anxious thoughts will actually contribute to your nonassertive behavior, it will
eventually make you passive, a person who sits on inertia and never thinks of acting.
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But, only by acting independently, you will be able to confront your fear and develop assertive
behavior. So, that’s why it is important that you need to change your thoughts, attitude and any
kind of thoughts that undermine you and then slowly make independent decisions and then you’ll
be able to develop assertive behavior eventually. At the same time, distinguish assertive from
aggressive behavior. You should remember that assertiveness is not polite or sophisticated form
of aggression.
It is not like the wolf inside, has put a very cover of innocent lamb, no, it is not a cosmetic smile
that you give outside but inside you are very cruel, cunning, manipulating and you want the best
for you, and you want the other person to lose. It is not that polite, very soft form of aggression,
it is a positive inner quality that ensures positive consequences and always leads to a win-win
situation. So, if you think that okay, inside I will be strong, outside I will appear to be very soft
and polite, now that is not exactly the assertiveness that we are talking about and I want you to
emulate. The kind of assertiveness is something that is positive inside and polite inside, but is
concerned about self-esteem, self-worth and one’s own right and it’s also concerned about not
affecting others right’. So that is the real assertiveness which is positive inner quality and ensures
positive consequences.
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In the process of your inner journey, towards assertiveness, it is important that you avoid people
who discourage you to become assertive. Some people, like your boss, like your dominating
partner, dominating spouse, will try to punish you for trying to become assertive. They may not
talk to you, they may ridicule you, they may make fun of you, so they will just try to pull you
down by all means. Avoid the people, it is important that you keep away from this negative
thinking people, because obviously they are jealous that you are trying to develop a quality
which they cannot develop or by your developing they may feel that there is a kind of threat
perception for them. So, people may like better than those people and they don’t want that to
happen, you may become much more successful than them they don’t want that to happen. So,
avoid those people who discourage you to become assertive. Conversely, stick to those people
who appreciate your efforts to become assertive. So, there are good people, who are assertive
themselves, and who want others to assert and develop themselves.
Now, these people would reward you, instead of punishing you, they would rather reward you,
they would help you, they would appreciate you, they would honestly look at the efforts you are
taking to become assertive and they will take note of it and keep on appreciating and praising
you for trying to develop yourselves. Now, you need to stick to this kind of people and again in
the process the next step is to remove any kind of self-doubts. What happens: you read thousands
of self-development book, hundreds of books on assertiveness, and watch videos like this to
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everything. But, at the end of it, there is an iota of doubt that is lurking somewhere in you: Am I
really worthy of becoming assertive, can you really become assertive, am I the person that the
teacher is talking about? No, no, I cannot be, how can I be? So that kind of self-doubt should be
nipped in the bud, so as you grow in the assertive process don’t doubt yourself at any stage. Be
sensitive and clear about your need to be assertive, you know that being assertive is going to help
you definitely in certain manner, so keeping doubt about it is not going to help you. So, focus
only on the part of developing you, do not have any doubt and if anything is there don’t pay
attention to it and try to overcome that part.
In this regard, I suggest that you follow Stanley and Nancy’s Ten Commandments. So, these
authors give strong principles to ward off barriers to your inner journey. So, they give10 strong
suggestions, which they call as Commandments. Let us look at those Commandments, one by
one. First one, they say Create quiet time— So whether you use meditation, whether you go to
your temple, whether you sit in your office alone, they say, or get up and walk early in the
morning sit somewhere in an isolated place where nobody disturbs you, but, create quiet time.
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The time where you can interact with yourself, the time where you can think about what’s
happening in your inner most soul. The next commandment they say is, Risk vulnerability— all
of us are afraid that, oh! if I do that, I will appear very vulnerable before others, will they not
think that I am emotionally weak, so I feel like crying, but if I cry before others will they not
laugh at me? Now the authors say: risk vulnerability; so you risk, be vulnerable, so that is your
true nature in that situation, no doubt about it accept it.
And, Open to inner wisdom— often the outside wisdom coming from elders, coming from
seniors, coming from books, coming from religious sets, coming from dogmas, coming from
theories, coming from principles, the outside wisdom will always try to curb the inside one or
will try to suppress it completely. But open to the inner wisdom, based on our own experience
we gain some kind of wisdom. Now, be open to that, if that wise thought is telling you
something, which is contradicting something, that is coming from the outside wisdom, try to
accept, try to acknowledge, try to follow that. The next one is also similar to that, Trust answers
from within— this means that go by your gut feeling sometimes, the opposite person is saying
that oh! this is good for you, take this. Now, inside it is saying, this is really bad for you, awful!
so say no, so don’t accept it, so go by your gut feeling, go by your innermost feelings.
So, trust answers from within so don’t trust the impost answers to you from outside and then the
next commandment they give you is, Learn to laugh at Ms. Protecto— so Ms. Protecto is a
coinage indicating that, this lady, a very caring lady who tries to all the time protect us, this
means like oh! if I run will I not fall down?, so if I start that business venture, will it not fail?, if I
travel abroad, so will it not happen? So, instead of doing all these things I just stay at home—so
that protectionism. We try to protect, we try to fit in the comfort zone, they say that try to laugh
at this tendency to sit in the comfort zone, stay put at one place, not leaving that place at all.
Fearing risk, fearing so many emotional bondages, that is chaining us.
And the next one is: Let go of emotional addictions— sometimes, in our day-to-day daily
activities we get addicted to certain emotional relationships, certain emotional gestures that we
seek for it all the time. But it should not go to the level of becoming an addiction, in the sense
that without which, you crave for it, you want it.
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Now, the moment even emotional relationship becomes addictive, so it is going to harm you at a
very individual level, at a level where you need to develop your personality and become an
assertive person so, that is why they say that let go of emotional addictions. Look for and
develop self-approval—so don’t look for approval from others, you try to look for approach from
you and then develop that self-approval, Is this good for you? Have you done a good job? The
innermost one should say, yes, it is a good job. The outside person is telling you, no, it is a good
job. Don’t bother, just seek the innermost approval.
And then— Live without negative self-labels, so, so many self-labels. I am always nervous, I am
always stupid, I am always like this, I am always afraid of people who speak fluently, I am
always afraid of my boss, now these are negative self-labels. I am always submissive, I am also
a follower all the time. Now, remove this negative self-label. Focus on being— not doing and
having, so, this simply means, like the Zen moment, focus on being at this time, live the moment,
don’t fed over what will happen in the future or don’t regret as what you have done or not doing
something or not having something in future, just focus on being at the present moment.
And, last but not the least, Be responsible for creating choices— now when you make a choice,
when you create that choice and when you accept it and go by that, to change your life and in
case in the choice that you created something goes wrong, do not blame others. Okay! so just
when whatever choices that you make, be responsible for the choices. So, do not blame your
parents, do not blame your boss, do not blame your spouse, do not blame anybody around, but
take responsibility for any choice that you make. So, that will make you an assertive person and
then, just to expand the thought about seeking approvals, don’t seek approvals from others, avoid
seeking approvals from others. Why?
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Why should you avoid seeking approvals from others? Because, it will kill your autonomy and
confidence. It will completely destroy your confidence, if you keep constantly seeking approval
from somebody, be it your friend, be it your parents, be it your boss, who is or who are, are very
benevolent to you, doesn’t matter, but constantly seeking the approval is going to kill your
autonomy. You need to know, what is good for you. Then, when you seek approval from others,
what are you doing, you are also giving power to someone to choose for you, instead of having
the power for yourself, you are just giving the power to someone and in the process, you are
actually weakening yourself.
The next interesting point, that I want to emphasize on is in terms of the normal spontaneous way
in which you react to people, when you slightly make some mistake and you say sorry, you
apologize. Now, in terms of assertiveness, you need to see whether that sorry is required at all,
okay, in fact there are the aggressive types, who never say sorry, then there is this extremely
passive type very polite people, they keep on saying sorry, sorry, sorry for things which are
unwarranted, on the one hand. But on the other hand, instead of saying sorry, you reverse sorry
and say thanks, now, how? When you apologize out of some compulsion, so, a situation where
you have to say sorry and then you are compelled to say sorry, it will lower your self esteem so it
will reduce you from your journey of developing this inner sense of assertiveness. So, next time
instead of saying, for example, sorry I got late, try saying thanks for waiting, so just look at the
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situation from the other side instead of you giving the apology, try to reward the other person for
bearing with you, for adjusting for compromising. So, the other person also feels rewarded and
happy and you also don’t underestimate you. Your self-esteem is also intact. So, be careful when
you say sorry and try to see whether he can reverse it and convert it in the form of thanks and
when you do this, there are two things sometimes people give you praise appreciation and
sometimes people criticize you. But both cases, accept genuine praise as well as criticism.
Now, don’t feel embarrassed when people praise you, sometimes don’t feel shy, don’t think that
whether you deserve it or not accept it, say thanks, acknowledge it and at the same time when
there are criticisms don’t be afraid of taking criticisms. Take criticism, as positive feedback to
enhance your skills, your personality further. So, both cases don’t run away from, when you face
them you become assertive. Now, the most important part of the entire lessons related to
assertiveness is having talked to you about the importance, having discuss with you about the
types.
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And then, generally talk to you in terms of developing your assertiveness is, how to say “No.”
You will feel that it is not that easy. Now, if we break that into manageable steps and then have
some ways and ideas we can always say no, now take the suggestion from Stanley and Nancy
they say that there are four ways to say no and rather they are suggesting four methods, four
stages, four steps.
The first one, they say, see whether the request by the other person is reasonable. Usually
somebody comes to you with the request asking you for a favor. Now let’s say, boss-you, or
some slightly higher authority and then you. When the person is asking you already, the other
person has decided that I will ask this person and mostly this person will not be able to say no,
already the other person has possessed you. So you don’t go to the person to check whether the
request is reasonable or not, but the authors say, look inside yourself first, if you hesitate, like
you don’t feel comfortable, spontaneous to say yes immediately, there is some kind of hesitation
or hedge, or if you feel cornered or trapped you that I am being victimized, I am caught, I am
trapped or you notice a tightness or nervousness in your body, even the body language is
somewhat becoming rigid, it is not flexible, it is not open.
It may mean, that the request is unreasonable, so, this is where you have to go by guts, the inner
wisdom, that’s telling you that, in terms of body language, in terms of its spontaneous response it
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is trying to tell you that, this request is unreasonably, don’t accept it and say no! Now again, if
you hesitate, they say that go to the next step ask for more information, you have every right to
ask for more information, ask for more facts, before actually you have to say yes or no. Nobody
can deny that. So, when you ask for more information itself, you will know that whether it is
genuine or not, whether it is reasonable or not and then there may be a situation where you may
have to say no, but still, you can negotiate, you can just try to make them feel that you are not
saying no just like that. After asking all the information and facts you have made all the pros and
cons before saying that and when you say that no, say no in applying direct manner, simply say
no, do not give excuses or indirect hints.
So those are the methods of the non assertive people, you have become an assertive person, so
try to say no directly, spontaneously and in a very simple manner without giving apologies,
without giving explanations, without giving logical reasoning for why you are saying no, without
beating around the bush to say that simple no, simply say no, it is not possible.
I can’t do it this time, no, and the fourth step they suggested, say no, without saying sorry. When
you say that without any explanation also do not say sorry, don’t feel apologetic again, because it
will weaken your position, it will make your standpoint very weak, so you have taken a stand
point of saying no, after considering all the reasons, all the options available to that person, as
well you, but why should you say sorry and weaken your position? Is it just to please the other
person and remember there is something that you shouldn’t be doing, if you really want to
become an assertive person.
The other ways that I would like to suggest from my own experience and breeding of materials
related to how to say no, is that, you can offer compensation and stay assertive. For instance,
somebody comes when you are busy with your assignment and this is your close friend and this
person says that, hai! come on, come on, let us go for a cup of coffee and you know that going
with this person for a cup of coffee will not be 10 minutes. So, other—he will call other friends,
and all will be there will be 10 to 15 together, coffee, then another coffee, then other chips and
other snacks and then you keep eating and then you keep discussing, chatting and then it can go
one hour to even three hours. You know that, it is just going to pass your time and you need that
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so badly to complete that assignment and submit it by the deadline. Now you know, just going
there you are going to lose the deadline, lose credit for it and then lose your integrity which is at
high stake. Now, this trend is going to emotionally blackmail you, if you say no, the friend will
say that okay, next time when you come for coffee see what happens, I will also say no. So, you
also need sometimes the company of this person, so you cannot say directly, so in that case you
can give a kind of compensation, you can say that look my dear friend! This assignment, I need
to submit, so if you allow me to do this assignment now, excuse me this time, but I will take you
to a movie later, it is not just coffee, I will take you to a movie, okay! What do you say? So, most
of the times people will like this compensation and they will see the reason, like they know that
you are not saying no, but you are just postponing the time that he is planning to spend with you,
for a different time, different situation, when you also have free time.
Now, there are other people who are much more aggressive than different and then it is very
difficult to say no and even if you say no, they say that no, no, no you should accompany me,
you should be with me, okay! this is my special party, you should come and you say that no I
have some acidity problem, I cannot eat this kind of food, the person says no, no, no, now
nothing doing, you should come. What you can do, when it is fully difficult, you need this kind
of people off way, for instance you can go up to the restaurant.
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And when the person orders the food you can say that, please go ahead and your other friend has
come I just go out and come after sometime or you can just sit and say that I just came to give
you company just please go ahead, I will just sip some water or have some soft drink, so they
will understand that okay, at least you have come this much, but then you are still asserting, but
it is not harming them. So, meet them off way.
Now, the other interesting way of say, saying no, especially to intrusions. You are busy and then
you are, you have scheduled your time in such a manner that you are just chasing deadline after
deadline and there is no time to give to others. Now, suddenly somebody knocks at your door,
enters without any invitation and comes as an unwelcome guest and starts talking about things
which you don’t want to listen and your focus is getting drifted, your flow is getting affected.
Now, on such occasions, Randy Posh says that he is a very famous professor who expired owing
to cancer and from Carnegie Mellon University. I have given his famous last lecture and that is
available on YouTube, you should give a watch and it is a must watch video. Now, what he says,
he has folded chairs, but he doesn’t put it in the front okay! He has them hidden, behind a
cupboard, if it is a very important guest and he needs to talk and he has fixed the appointment,
then he gives the chair. If, for instance, these people are just intruders, so he doesn’t give the
chair and then he talks business very plain and quick manner.
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And then he just suggests that, they should leave, because he is tied up with some work. So
generally, saying no to intrusions, don’t sit and talk in a relaxed manner, because they will get a
feeling that you are free and you show this behavior not to hurt them, but it is important to make
them trailers that you are busy. You may look at the watch, you may look at the clock, your body
language, show anxiety and as Randy Pausch suggest don’t offer the chair if possible, standup
and talk instead of sitting. So, if you don’t sit, they also don’t sit, so they know that you are in a
sense of urgency. There are other gentle ways of taking them, after some five minutes you can
just slowly come out and then reach to the door and then move out of the door with them,
indicating or saying politely that I have no time why don’t you just go out, you go somewhere
and then come back.
So indicating that they may leave, now saying no to inclusions is also a very important way of
creating time for you, saving time for you. And again, Randy Posh says a very interesting and
funny thing, he says that if required, he says, tell a white lie and he says that since I am a
professor and if somebody fixes an appointment when I am so busy or tries to fix it, he says that
he’s in a lecture, going to give a lecture or he is in a meeting. Now, he says, it is easy for
professor but depending on your field, so you try to give white lies, justifiable ones, especially
you know that this person is going to hijack your time and then ruin your work that you have
kept for that day.
So, in that situation, don’t hesitate to even tell a white lie and in terms of saying No. Now, finally
as a last concluding thought of saying No, I would like to suggest, recommend to you that, when
you say No, say it calmly, take no tension, show, do not show any stress on face, let your face
have a smile if possible, when you say No, but do not laugh or smile in such a manner the other
person feels offended that you are ridiculing, but give a very calm comfortably smile and say No,
so that will not offend other people.
And they will realize that okay, maybe you are really serious, and you cannot really offer to help
them, so that is why you are saying No. So, that calmness will show them that you cannot be
cajoled, controlled or persuaded to change your opinion but if they see slight stress, slight
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tension on your face they know that they can try to dominate, control you and then looking at
your body language and behavior, they will try to persuade you to say Yes, so say it calmly.
So that keep that as the final thought, although it is not that easy it will come to you in practice.
Before I conclude, I want you to read this interesting poem by a very famous poet who won the
Nobel Prize, also is from Argentina, is a very famous poet and then he has also written novels,
this is Jorge Luis Borges and there are different people attributing this, this particular piece of
poem to themselves in the internet. But I found that this is actually from this poet, written
originally in the Argentine language. Now the poem indicates, or it tells, “you learn.” Now to
me, it actually suggests that you learn how to become assertive from being a passive self and
how to protect yourself from the aggressive people around you and you develop that inner
calmness in the process. Now let us read this and then I will try to explain where difficult lines
are there.
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Otherwise, it is a very simple and self-explanatory poem. You learn, so it is like it is a learning
experience, you gain that inner wisdom, how? After, why you learn the subtle difference, the
subtle is very inner, not overtly seen difference, between holding a hand and chaining a soul. So,
holding a hand is holding, but chaining a soul, holding his innocence physical it’s giving some
warm. But chaining a soul, like you don’t have any physical obligation, but you are chained by
the soul, by the innermost connection and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning, so love does
not mean that emotional addiction and company doesn’t mean security. So that is what is
suggested as emotional addictions, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and
presence aren’t promises. Presents are given as present for that moment, but there is no way they
offer you any promise, any guarantee about that relationship and you begin to accept your
defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a
child. So, you grow up and you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow’s
ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have away of falling down in mid-flight. After a
while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So too much of anything becomes
harmful, so you learn, so you plant your garden, so you don’t rely on others and decorate your
own soul, you don’t seek approval from others, but you decorate your own soul, instead of
waiting for someone to bring you flowers and you learn that you really can endure… that you
really are strong and you really do have worth… and you learn and learn with every good-bye
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you learn. Every time somebody leaves you, every time some relationship has to say goodbye to
you.
You immediately don’t coil around and then you immediately don’t feel rejected or negated. You
assert yourself and then you learn in the process and then you learn, you grow, you develop and
become a fully assertive person. So, that is how I read the poem, I have also given the link for
Randy Pausch’s last lecture which is available for watching freely on You Tube.
And try to spend some time watching this, apart from the must-read books which I have been
mentioning in the past two lectures on assertiveness. I hope you will have a nice time, after these
three lectures, three lessons on assertiveness and wish you to become a fully assertive person
sooner or later and enjoy the benefits of becoming an assertive person. Thank you for watching
this lesson, this video, and happy staying with your assertive self!
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Course Title
Lecture - 13
Managing Negative Emotions: Controlling Anger
by…
Hello, hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality, this is the
third week, and this is the third unit and lesson number thirteen. Now, in this unit, I just want to
introduce a very new interesting, practically, useful lesson on Managing Negative Emotions and
then, we will focus particularly on Controlling Anger because, Managing Anger of all the
negative emotions is the most important one. If you want to really develop, a very good
personality with the excellent soft skills, in fact, most of the companies when they want to hire
you, they put you in situations, either in group discussion or in informal discussion, situations
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where they just deliberately try to provoke you and see how you react to the situation. If you are
not able to control your anger in that situation, you will be disqualified.
But, apart from that, in personal life also, it is very important that you would learn how to control
your anger. But, before we start, let us take a quick highlight of what we did in the last lesson.
In the last lesson, I concluded our entire discussion on assertiveness and particularly, I discussed
the ways in which one can become assertive and learn to say no. The focus of the last lesson was
particularly on how you can say no. So, in order to tell you, how you can do that, in a very
systematic manner, I started with giving you some simple steps, such as, I suggested that, you
should start with a reality checking, that is, you should try to understand, negotiate in the
relationships which are around you, in which, there is always a kind of power struggle and
somebody is trying to gain one up over you.
And then, you need to see, whether you are the person, who is all the time giving it up, all the
time withdrawing, all the time compromising. If you are occasionally doing that, it is fine,
especially with your boss or with your partner, that is okay, but then, if you are the one who is
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treated like a doormat, it is high time, you develop your assertive skills before these people. So,
that is what, I meant by: Start with a reality checking and then, I went ahead to tell you that,
changing your attitude is very important and you should do that by changing your self-
debilitating thoughts. What are those self-debilitating thoughts? Quickly thoughts that come to
your mind and tell you that, you can’t do this. You can never be a leader, you can never assert
yourself, you can never be confident, you are always inferior, you are made up like this. So
negative thoughts, are to be removed, in order to assert yourself. You also need to distinguish
assertiveness from aggressive behavior. Now, how do you distinguish this? Whenever you try to
assert, it always ends in a win-win situation. So, you need to focus on positive consequences, if
you really want to focus on assertive, rather than aggressive behavior.
On the way, you need to avoid people who discourage you to become assertive. So, there are
people who will rather punish you, they are unhappy with you, developing assertiveness. So, try
to shun these people, you don’t need these people, but, at the same time try to embrace those
people who try to help you to develop assertiveness. There are people, who genuinely appreciate
your efforts, now stick to those people. But, at the same time, despite getting encouragement and
support, despite reading lot of self-help, books, despite listening to my lectures, you may get this
small iota of self-doubt. Now, you need to remove that, so, that self-doubt will otherwise kill
you, it will keep on giving you negative thinking that, you cannot become an assertive person,
remove those self-doubts. Then, I suggested that, you follow the 10 commandments suggested by
Stanley and Nancy. What are they? Very quickly: 1. Create quite time. 2. Risk vulnerability. 3.
Open to inner wisdom. Most of the times we don’t trust our gut feelings and that is what is
mentioned in 3 and 4. Trust answers from within, believe them. They are going to tell you the
right answers, what you should do rightly, correctly, morally, ethically or the ones which are
coming from inner wisdom, listen to them, pay attention to them and 5. Learn to laugh at Ms.
Protecto. that is, don’t be yielding yourself too much to the tendency of becoming Miss or Mr.
Perfectionist. So, avoid that tendency, let go of emotional addictions is the sixth commandment,
that is, sometimes you are so emotionally dependent on people on situations that you actually let
people use you as a kind of doormat.
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So, let go of emotional addictions. 7. Look for and develop self-approval. So don’t look for
approval from others by doing that you are trying to give power to others, who have a say on
your personality and personality development and 8th one, live without negative self-labels. So,
any label that you attach on you, oh! I am all basically a weak person, I am basically a passive
kind of person, now, remove this kind of self-labels. 9. Focus on being—not doing and having,
that is, live at the present Zen moment and then be responsible for creating choices.
So, you be responsible for the choices that you will create, don’t put any blame if some of your
choices will go wrong. There are other rules which we discussed such as: Don’t seek approvals;
Reverse sorry and then use thanks, try to say thanks for waiting, instead of apologizing profusely
for making your appointment very late. Accept genuine praise and criticism and then slowly we
try to understand how you can say no! We started with four ways to say “No” from Stanley and
Nancy.
First one, see whether the request by the other person is reasonable, just trying to assess whether
the request for you to do something is reasonable enough, so that you can say yes. Now if you
are not sure of it, so then you ask for more information, even after asking for information and
then you feel somewhat nervous, somewhat jittery in trying to say yes, it very well would mean
that, the request is not reasonable, at least it doesn’t suit you. So, then say “No” in applying
direct manner and say “No” without saying sorry, that is the fourth rule.
So, say “No” without saying sorry, without giving any excuses, without telling round, about the
tales, before you could say sorry, so don’t do that. There are some other simple base, if you are
not able to say this “No” directly such as, you can offer compensation, but still stay assertive;
you can meet the people off way; that is, it appears that you are actually going to do what they
want, such as, going with them to the restaurant, but you will not have the food and you will
insist on being assertive.
Saying “No” to instructions is a very important tactful art, like, I quoted from Randy Pausch who
suggests that, you may just stand up and talk to them, you may not offer chair, in certain cases
you may even go out indicating that your time is precious and then you want them to go out and
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then after some time you can come back also. If required, again Randy Pausch says that you can
also tell a white line, such as, you are busy in meeting, that you are rushing to your class etc. . . .
Last, but not the least, I suggested that, when you say “No” that is saying that in a very calm
collected manner and if possible, with a pleasant smile, that will be the ultimate assertiveness
statement that you can make to the other person, saying that, you are not at any stage
uncomfortable for saying that “No” and the way you say it, will actually make the other person
receive it in a very positive manner. Having said this, let us look at the negative emotions.
And then, let us learn how we can control anger in particular. Now, before we look at emotions
and the negative ones, what about emotion as such? what does it mean? Interestingly, the word
as such is derived from the French word emouvoir, which means “to stir up.” So, just to kindle,
stirring up and it was synonymous with passion, strong feelings. So, how do we link that with
positive or negative emotions, so you can be overjoyed, but you can also be very depressed.
In both cases, so emotions are getting stirred up. In terms of negative emotions, feelings that
make you sad, painful, uncomfortable and inferior such as grief, deep sorrow, hate, jealousy and
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anger. Now, these are all emotions, which can actually make you feel sad and then they stir up
such kind of uncomfortable emotions in us. So, that is the reason why we call them as negative
emotions. Now, am I telling you that you should not have such negative emotions at all, no, it is
not humanly possible, not to have any emotions, because as you know that emotions are the only
aspects which rather would distinguish humans from animals.
So, it is not possible for you not to have emotions at all, because, we are not machines. So, when
we look at a robot and when we look at a human being, we know that, robot cannot feel either
negatively or positively, but human beings can feel. So, when you feel whether it is negative or
positive it is important you feel and then express that in a very appropriate manner. So, even if
they are negative emotions, if you can express that in appropriate situations, in right proportion,
they are acceptable as natural human emotions which you’re trying to evoke in a spontaneous
manner.
But excessive negative emotions would make one hate oneself and others, it will isolate us if you
are charged with excessive emotions, particularly anger or grief and either the society
excommunicates those people who keep on showing anger on others or the person himself or
herself will feel isolated from the rest of the society. So, other than showing it appropriately,
which is very difficult, without practice, it is rather easy to control negative emotions.
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What do I mean by negative emotions on the whole? I was just looking at the internet and then,
Google was showing me about hundreds and more of negative emotions. But I would like to tell
you such intense ones as depression, doubt, despair, shame, embarrassment, sadness, fear
frustration, gilt, hatred, grief, jealousy or the ones I would rather consider them as the real
problematic negative emotions. Now again, as I was trying to tell you that emotions are
important to show that we are human beings.
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And as the famous poet Rilke points out, quote unquote from the poet: “All emotions are pure
which gather you and lift you up; that emotion is impure which seizes only one side of your
being and so distorts you.” So, according to the poet, actually, all emotions are pure as when it is
emanating, it is indicating that it is a very genuine, spontaneous human feeling. But they are pure
only when they lift you up, they elevate you, but those emotions are impure, which would
capture you, only one side of you being and so distorts you.
So, all of us have the beast within us, as well as the god within us. We have our own limitations,
we have our own merits. But then, our own merits, our own good qualities are the ones which are
elevated in terms of our positive emotions, but the limitations, the bad qualities are the ones
which are the distorted form of ourselves, especially, when we try to project that negative
emotions, anger, particularly jealousy, hate etc., give a distorted perception of reality. We are not
what we are, when we try to show the negative emotions, that is what is meant by that. What is
projected of us, is a very distorted form of us. At the spur of the moment, at that tipping point, it
deludes one into the belief that one’s emotion is right and justified. Like in case of Othello, that
Desdemona is disloyal, unfaithful and she has cheated at that point of sexual jealousy, in that fit
of anger, he strangulates and kills her. But then, he regrets throughout his life the moment he
realizes that, it was in that fateful Magnus that he killed her.
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In fact, many psychologists associate anger, as a kind of madness, the word rage, the extreme
form of anger indicates that. But, when I talk about anger, I actually imply the mild irritation to
the extreme outburst, that is shown as strange or wrath, which also includes little bit of hate, little
bit of jealousy and all these negative things included so when I try to say controlling anger, I am
also trying to use that as a kind of umbrella term to indicate all of the closely associated negative
emotions.
Let us look at an interesting quote from Bhagavad Gita and how it shows that anger can actually
kill a person. There are two versions, let us look at both versions from the second chapter 63 rd
verse: “From anger delusion occurs; from delusion bewilderment of memory; after forgetfulness
of memory; the loss of spiritual intelligence and losing spiritual intelligence one perishes.” This
another translation that goes like this: “From anger comes delusion; from delusion the loss of
memory; the loss of memory causes destruction of discrimination; and from the destruction of
discrimination he perishes.” Now what is interesting is, one author uses the term spiritual
intelligence, the other one uses the term discrimination. Now discrimination, is your ability to
see what is right or what is wrong especially your ability to identify what is evil, what is bad,
what should be extremely avoided. That sense of discrimination, the other translator calls that as
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spiritual intelligence. In fact, it is a very heightened form of emotional intelligence, where you
are able to see right correctly and wrong correctly.
What causes misery to a person? When a person is not able to identify what is right or not able to
see who is the person who is going to help and who is the person who is going to harm. In the
sense, one is not able to identify who is one’s real friend and who is one’s hidden enemy and
conversely believes, distress the one instead of the other and causes misery for oneself. Look at
my very favorite quote from Aristotle which I quoted in the previous course also. Quote unquote
from Aristotle on anger, he says: “Anyone can become angry—that is easy.” So, it is not difficult
to show anger, anybody can become angry that is easy. “But to be angry with the right person,
and to the right degree and at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way, that is not
within everybody’s power and it is not easy.” To be angry with the right person, so you need
sense of discrimination, you need to use your emotional and spiritual intelligence, whether that
person is the right one.
We all might have read the small story during our school days, where the mother grows lot of
plants in the garden and then snakes keep coming. So, to protect the child who is left, and the
mother goes to the field for working, so, she keeps the mongoose, so the mongoose stays there
very loyal, but one day when the mother comes back from the field after her work, she sees the
mongoose full of blood on its mouth. Now immediately, she gets furious and then realizes that
the mongoose should have killed her child and very disloyally has indulged in that kind of act
and in that spur of the moment, she uses the sickle and then cuts the head of the mongoose. Until
she goes inside and sees that the child is playing safely and there is a dead snake on the side of
the child, it takes just one more minute to have the actual realization that, it is not the mongoose,
but the snake that was killed by the mongoose, so that came to bite the child and that spur of the
moment she made the mistake. So, that is showing anger, now on the wrong person, okay it
should have been shown on the snake, not on the mongoose.
And to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, in the right way, so that is not
within everybody’s power. So, think about that and that is not easy, but still, let’s ask the next
question, can we really control anger? I said at the outset that emotion means “to stir up”.
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Now anger is a stirred up emotion by others, it is a trigger given to you by your boss, by your
spouse, by your children, neighbour, friend, enemies, stranger any external source or any kind of
trigger that comes from outside but, psychologically as well as practically we cannot fully
control outside triggers but we can maximize our inner control; we can minimize the damage and
unintended consequences. We can only control our response to the trigger of anger. Let us see
how we can do that and really try to control our anger. The first and foremost lesson, message,
suggestion that is given to you in terms of controlling anger is, the moment you know that the
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negative emotion is charging you, postpone your reaction for minimum 10 minutes. If you are
likely to be short-tempered, do not throw anything that is just near to you, maybe a paperweight,
but throwing it on the person, and then in case you threw it on the wrong part of the body and the
person dies immediately so you will be sent to prison and you will regret for your life
throughout. So, postpone your reaction for minimum 10 minutes, if you really get angry, just
don’t show the reaction, try to keep you cool for 10 minutes and if you are on the wrong side
after 10 minutes you will actually cool off, you will realize that there won’t be any need to
express your anger.
For those who are short tempered and likely to throw literally things on others, it is suggested
that you should put your hands inside your pocket to keep them folded on the back or even
clasped in the front, so that the hands are tied by you mentally, physically, emotionally, at least
till you count 100. There are others who say at least you count 10, because in my practical
experience I have seen people counting very fast and say that oh now I can throw this
paperweight on the other person and even if he gets killed, I don’t mind at that moment.
So, try to count at least 100 so that you give ample time, to give a chance for your anger to cool
off, but when you are doing this, in your mind try to weigh the pros and cons, particularly focus
on the consequences, you think you will shout at this person, you will slap the person, you will
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throw something that is available there, a flower vase or something on the person. Now, what
will be the consequences? what will happen after this? Look at the irreversible damage your
anger can cause, a relationship that has been built for thirty years, can be broken at that single
moment in which you express your anger. A person who trusted you like anything, can lose trust
and it will be never possible for you to rebuild the trust that easily again.
So, a person who happened to be so loyal with you, loses that loyalty because of the way you
express anger and so on, so all these are under the suggestion that I give under the irreversible
damage your anger can cause. You cannot reverse your action again, so focus on the
consequences, focus on what will happen if you express it and as it has been mentioned by the
previous quotations we discuss, remember anger colours your thinking it distorts your mind it is
completely blocking your sense of discrimination and hence your judgment can be completely
wrong.
So, do not judge the opposite person, do not judge the situation when you are angry, as Albert
Einstein points out very nicely: “Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools”, so only in the heart
of foolish people, Einstein says, anger will be staying. Understand that you could be really
foolish in expressing that anger and try to avoid that. What are other techniques that you can
follow in order to control your anger? You can take deep breath as much as possible.
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So, that will actually relax your nerves and then try to smile in fact, psychologists suggest in
some cases where people get short-tempered, laughter therapy as a counter, so whenever you get
anger you laugh, you laugh loud even if people think that you are actually looking funny, that
doesn’t matter, but it would reduce the tension of your face, your inner feelings.
And it will reduce the intensity of the anger you are likely to express. The other interesting way
to control anger is to practice Abraham Lincoln’s method of postponing anger and completely
negating it. What was he doing, whenever he got angry with somebody, he would go to his privy
chamber and then sit alone and then start using all forms of abuse, all forms of harsh words,
hurtful language. So he will write all the things against the person on a paper, he will write as
much as possible and then he will put it in a cover he would give it some cooling of time, that is,
he may come after three hours, five hours or after a day, after a week, he would just come to take
that and tear it off and throw it in dustbin, so he knows very well that, that anger, that was
written and expressed at that moment, was no good after some time lapse is given. So, he was
very shrewd and wise, so never, ever people felt that he had expressed his anger, but all the time
he had expressed alone to the invisible person sitting before you, before him and then he just
expressed and then through it after some time.
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Now, the other techniques which are suggested for controlling your anger, one interesting
technique of the other ones is that, you can exert yourself physically, that is you can drain
yourself physically and that will give a kind of emotional drain also such as, punching bags for
example, like a boxer you can keep on punching, you can jog rather than usual, you can run and
sweat, you can play rigorously. For example, squash or tennis or any games that you play with
the ball, so you can just express that using that ball, you can hit hard, you can, you can, in squash
you can hit hard on the wall.
So, it tries to vent your anger, however, try to express anger if required in a very right
appropriate and assertive manner, that is, as suggested by Aristotle do not show aggressive
behavior, but express that in a very cool and rightful manner, in a very smiling manner, just state
to the other person that, this is what you did and at that moment I was really angry, but later,
when I thought why I was angry I realized that this behavior of yours was figuring that. Could
you please change that behavior? Could you please avoid doing that in this manner?
So, that will actually take you to your Win-Win situation. Avoid aggression, use assertiveness,
express things plainly, so that you can manage anger and give chance for the person who
triggered your anger, to correct herself or himself also. Another, interesting technique and a very
effective one is, practice remarkable, respectful, and noticeable silence. Don’t talk to the person
who caused you anger and see how much you can maintain this silence that becomes a very
powerful weapon, the person realizes and if the relationship is genuine your silence will kill the
other person and the other one would be on bended knees, requesting you to speak again
normally.
And, that is the time you can express your anger in a very polite manner and tell why you
actually stopped talking and why you decided to express you anger through silence, because how
you value the relationship and if you had used some aggressive one, the relationship would have
broken and give chance again to the other person to mend herself or himself. Watch your anger
pattern, is another important thing because, you need to know as a leader, as a mentor what are
the factors, aspects, that are triggering your anger and how often this anger is coming to you.
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Study the pattern and then once you know the pattern, you can break it. A good leader seldom
makes mountain out of a molehill or becomes short-tempered frequently.
That is, neither try to look at a very trivial thing and get angry or don’t get short tempered and
get provoked as easily as just like a very emotionally big person. There may be occasions where
you are at the receiving end and then the other person at the other end is trying to be very
aggressive and show anger and you feel humiliated. In humiliating situations, be patient, show
patience and believe that your time will come and actually your time will definitely come and
when your time comes, you should not show anger again rather you should be generous and
teach others who triggered or showed their anger by not giving them a tit-for-that and that is the
only way you can actually reduce your anger as well as their angry behavior towards you. Now
in worst situations, where anger is about to come.
Burst out, what can you do, how can you control the damage? The first thing is change your
environment, so don’t be in the surroundings where you are getting angry, just go to a park, take
a quick walk, go to a theatre, watch a movie or your favourite comic show, listen to music, go to
a musical concert or just go home sit and then watch your favourite TV show. Now changing the
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environment and changing your mind and not focusing on something and diverting your mind for
some time will actually minimize the damage that might be caused.
There are other things that people generally do to reduce their stress that will also come out
of impotent anger, such as, taking bath in cold water or hot water depending upon the weather
conditions. Eating good food, and sleeping nicely, sometimes if you miss your night’s sleep or
sometimes if you get frequent interruptions in your sleep and if the sleep is incomplete then you
become irritable and you get angry very quickly. Meditate: so calmly just sit, close your eyes and
focus on your just breathing, so that will also reduce your anger. Go to a place of worship
whichever God you are fond of, go there and share your emotional burden with God, shed the
load or meet a spiritual leader or simply a mentor or just a senior person or just a close friend
with whom you can say that you are angry, but you just carried it and then you just shared it with
a friend.
So that you did not express that and caused some damage. But, in worst situation, if you have
caused some damage then take full responsibility for the consequences of your anger. Own your
guilt, own your shame, don’t blame others or the environment. Interestingly, if you read Albert
Camus’, The Outsider or the Stranger, the protagonist of the novel, gives a very funny argument
for the reason he killed one of the Arabs in the novel. He says that, the sun was responsible, the
sun was giving a very sultry weather and it cost him lot of irritation and it made him actually
shoot and kill the other person. So, don’t blame the environment for your own inability to control
your anger. In uncontrollable situations, offer quick apology, you go and give apology, say sorry
and show that you are genuinely concerned in giving it, genuinely concerned in maintaining the
relationship. But in case others are angry with you, you seek forgiveness, as said by Mahatma
Gandhi: This is not indicating weakness that you go and ask for forgiveness, you go and
apologize, it is not a matter of weakness, but it is rather indicating your strength as he says, “the
weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Channelize your anger positively, that is the final suggestion I would give you by focusing on
creative endeavors. Sometimes people are angry with others, sometimes they are angry with the
society, grief writers when they are angry like, George Orwell for example he was very angry
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and upset with the totalitarian setup that was around him. He created his masterpieces; 1984, he
created Animal Farm, a very sarcastic take on the totalitarian society, the Communist Party that
was prevailing at the time.
So, use creativity, express your anger in a very channelized positive manner and create your
masterpiece. Many of the paintings were actually expressing the important anger that has been
piled up and not shown directly, maybe because of the oppressive situation or maybe because of
the intimidating nature of the opponent or maybe simply because these writers, these poets, these
painters decided that they will use creativity and then channelize that negative energy in a
positive manner.
So, that is the ultimate take on anger, the way you can manage anger. So, let us say somebody
humiliates you, by saying that, oh! your English is so bad, you cannot give a good talk. Now do
not show anger immediately but then try to prove them wrong by showing that you can develop
fluency through hard work, you can give a very masterful presentation by lot of practice and
make the same person acknowledge your work and even if they don’t acknowledge, that doesn’t
matter. It is important, that you channelize it in the right direction and develop and enhance your
own personality.
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And, when you do that, what are the benefits of controlling anger? You live a healthy, happy and
peaceful life. You become a stable and dependable leader. People gravitate towards you for your
emotional intelligence and spiritual intelligence and high emotional quotient and people can bank
on you, because, you become a resourceful person. People around you enjoy working or simply
being with you, they like your company, you become confident and positive in your outlook.
Your energy gets channeled in the right direction; and your productivity improves and the
productivity around you ghost leaps and bounds. Success is given to you by other people; this is
something that I have been telling from the beginning of this course and the previous course.
And, you will have more people; more willing followers to beget more success on you. You will
earn good name and fame, awards and rewards will chase you and more than that, you will
inspire others and make people operate at a high level of emotional and or spiritual intelligence.
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Now, before I conclude, some quick thoughts on anger from very famous quotable quotes from
eminent people. First one from Joel Osteen: Quote-unquote: “Every day we have plenty of
opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you’re doing when you indulge these
negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power over your happiness. You can
choose to not let things upset you.” The next one is from Emerson, he says, “For every minute
you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” So, you choose whether you
want to be angry or you want to be peaceful and the next one from Lawrence J. Peter it goes like
this: “Speak when you are angry— and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” This
means, keep quiet when you are angry, do not utter a single word, every word will go as a very
caustic one from you and you will regret each and every word that you spoke at the moment
when you are angry and the last one from Josh Billings: Quote unquote, “Silence is one of the
hardest arguments to refute.” as I said, Silence can be used as a very powerful weapon for
negotiating, instead of expressing anger in an aggressive manner.
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For further reading, you can go back to Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can
Matter More Than IQ. There are frequent references as how you can control anger, hate,
depression, etc., and Stephen Mannallack’s one chapter from the book Soft Skills for a Flat
World, completely focuses on the dangers of anger and benefits of patience. Thank you for your
patience and I hope this video, particularly will be a milestone in your personality development
so that after watching this, you learn how to manage your anger and become a very pleasant and
pleasing personality in an overall sense. Wish you all success, thanks again!
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Course Title
Lecture - 14
Channelizing Positive Emotions-1: Gaining Power from
Positive Thinking-1
by…
Hello everyone! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. This is
the third week, fourth unit and lesson number 14.
In this unit, I am going to introduce to you one very important concept and a concept that will be
very important in terms of developing your personality, enhancing your personality, developing
soft skills and then trying to change you in an overall sense. It is about channelizing positive
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emotions. In the last lesson, I talked about negative emotions, particularly about anger, but from
this lesson onwards, will focus on positive emotions.
I will tell you why I am spending more time on positive emotions, as we start the lesson. But
there will be special focus on gaining power from positive thinking, how can you gain power
from positive thinking? you gain lot of physical power by going to the gym, by doing lot of
exercise, by jogging, by developing your muscle. Can you really develop your brain muscle and
then develop lot of power from that by using positive thinking? That is the lesson about. Before I
start, as usual, let us take a quick highlight of what I did in the last lesson.
In the last lesson overall, I was dealing with Managing Negative Emotions and with specific
reference to Controlling Anger. Anger, I considered that as the most important one, because it
contains other negative emotions such as jealousy, irritability, rage all contained in, what I am
trying to call us anger, even it leads to grief, okay. So, I was just looking at anger as the most
important one, in which we need to focus in terms of building your personality that is suitable for
corporate as well as personal life. Why did we focus on negative emotions and what are negative
emotions? how do you understand negative emotions, negative emotions stirrup bad feelings in
you. So, emotion actually is from the French word emouvoir which meant stirring up. So,
negative emotions actually stirred up bad feelings in you, such as grief, hate, jealousy, anger etc.,
Now one wonders why cannot I have these feelings they are coming naturally to me, yes of
course, they are natural, and then it is also natural to have these emotions in a very meaningful
context. For example, a very close friend passed away in an accident and then you attend the
funeral ceremony, you are so grieved, his wife and children are grieved. So, you express grief,
absolutely no problem, but then you are feeling so grief, because your friend actually got the job
and then you didn’t get the job, you became a loser, and then you keep on indulging in self-pity
and then you are completely in a state of grief and then you become depressed and you want to
commit suicide. Now this is dangerous. So, emotions in the right manner, even if it is negative, if
you express in the right context it is acceptable in the natural sense. But, if it is exceeding the
limit and exceeding the context then it becomes harmful. What happens when it exceeds the
limit? It will definitely distort one’s thinking, it will make you go into the delusive belief that
your emotion is right and justified at that moment. And this delusion corrodes your thinking
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capacity at all, your ability to discriminate, your ability to see what is right, what is wrong, and to
separate the good from the bad.
So that sense of discrimination, that spiritual intelligence that is lost and that will lead to
complete destruction of the person, however great he or she might be it will lead to very great
destruction and total annihilation of personality combined with humiliation. Quoting from
Aristotle, I was trying to convince you that getting angry is easy, but showing it in the right
manner is difficult, in the appropriate way, in order to show anger, you need to have lot of
patience and practice. And then, you need to first learn how to vent out your feelings that would
come in a very aggressive manner and then you can show anger in an assertive manner if
required. But my main objective in the previous lesson was to tell you that, manage anger, do not
let it go out of your control and do not regret for having acted in an angry manner and you regret
for it throughout your life, so don’t do that.
Now, the other interesting thing that I was trying to convey in the previous lesson was that, if
you are right, so most of the times when you are angry, you think that you are right, you come
out with that kind of self-righteous feeling; but if you are right, actually you need not get angry
at all, you only have to reason it out with other people, you only have to tell them in plain,
simple terms, you only have to logically assert your position, just be assertive, you don’t have to
be aggressive and people will understand that you are right.
However, if you are not right, so then you have no right to express your anger, if you know that
you are feeling insecure and then you are not right in demanding something, and if you think that
by showing your anger and then getting angry with people you will be able to bully them and
then get things from them, then you have no right to express that. It is important to control your
anger before people who are weaker, who are vulnerable, who are your subordinates. Because,
those are the people who will not be able to retaliate and before people who can retaliate if you
show your anger, of course they will have the power to destroy you. But it is not good to show
that before people who are vulnerable. And in the second part of the lesson, we were trying to
look at, okay, what happens in case I am not able to control my anger?
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Yeah true, sometimes, like anger is triggered by external sources and while you cannot fully
control your anger, the anger triggers; you can actually control your responses from inside. So
that is very important, how you would respond to a situation that is causing you angry is very
important. Now, wise people, people who have learned from their experience, they learn how to
control anger and as quoted by Einstein, only fools get subsumed by it, it’s foolish any time to
get angry.
What are some quick tips for controlling anger? That is what I discussed towards the concluding
part. Postpone your anger at least by 10 minutes, keep hands folded or keep it inside your
pockets, focus on the consequences when you are going to get angry. And remember, you are
99.99% wrong when you are angry, because your thinking is completely deluded into wrong
illusory notions about your own self-righteousness. In terms of physical control, take deep
breath, try to smile, use laughter therapy or follow Lincoln’s method where he used to bento his
anger by writing it on a piece of paper, and then wait for some time to cool it off, he goes back
and then throws that paper into the dustbin.
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In terms of physically trying to control it, try to exert you physically, just by using a punching
bag or playing a game like squash or any game that will rent out your pent-up emotions, you can
also treat yourself physically, just by giving a very nice hot water bath or cool water depending
upon the weather and your mood and your ability to cope up with the temperature. So that also or
going for a swimming or just taking a walk in a garden. So, these are other things that can
actually elevate you from the negative emotion and then make you feel somewhat positive and
then try to think in a level-headed manner. The last important thing, I mentioned was that you
can use silence very effectively and especially if the relationships are meaningful silence itself is
enough to express your anger okay. The other person would come forward and understand that
so you are silent, because you are right in expressing your anger and you give sufficient time for
the other person to come forward and understand and make them realize their mistake and then
they would try to modify, adjust their behaviour that irritated you or that made you feel angry.
Now, in case things go out of control, what you should do is, you should accept your
responsibility, you should not blame anybody, you should be responsible.
So, any consequences that happened also you take responsibility. And in case, you were the ones
who broke the entire situation, feel free to apologize, feel free to say sorry. And in case
somebody else did it, and then, is feeling really bad about it, you forgive the person, as pointed
out by Mahatma Gandhi, “Forgiveness is a strength it is not considered a weakness.” Last, but
not the least I suggested that, try to use anger in a creative manner. Painters who were very
unhappy with the world, they painted the world in such a manner they disguised their anger but
then they created masterpieces.
I mentioned writers like George Orwell and many others, who expressed their anger in a very
effective manner in the form of novels, the form of satyrs, in plays, etc. So, use it creatively, use
it to express your writing or any artistic talents, so that will actually save you from anger, at the
same time, it will also help the society to change for the better. I concluded by pointing out some
benefits, in terms of controlling anger. Once you are able to control your anger, you will live a
very healthy, happy, and peaceful life.
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You will become emotionally stable, your emotional intelligence will be at the peak, because the
crux of your emotional intelligence is your ability to control anger, the most strongest feelings, if
you are able to control it, you become highly dependable, you become a resourceful person. And
people gravitate towards you, people feel comfortable staying with you, people would like to
work with you, people know that you will never get angry and you will never humiliate them,
you will never let them down, and then you are very strong and emotionally dependable, and you
can help them in any emotionally vulnerable situations.
And, know what, you will also start inspiring others and you will become self-confident and
positive in your outlook. Now positive, positivity, that is the thrust of this listen and you may ask
there is so much to do in terms of negative thinking and why you are going for positive thinking.
Let’s look at positive thinking from a story. Many of you have appreciated the way, I conduct
these lessons, give lectures on the videos, by illustrating a point using stories.
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In the previous course also, you liked many of the stories that were told. I hope you liked this
story and you understand the importance of this story in terms of positive thinking. It is about
two men, both men they were suffering from terminal illness, in the sense, they have just come to
the hospital to spend their last time, there are nobody for them and they are just there to die.
They occupied the same hospital room; one man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour
each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. So, otherwise both of these people are weak
and all the time they are bedridden, and they are lying on the bed. Now this person’s bed was
next to the room’s only window, the other man had to spend all his time flat on his back, but they
talked for hours, because there was nothing else to do, they talked to each other, they were
talking about their love life, they were talking about their family, they were talking about their
childhood days, they were talking about the time they spent in army, they talked about their
business, everything they talked for hours.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, past time by describing to
his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. So, it is the afternoon time when he
is just sitting up, he looks outside the window and describes the scenery that is outside in contrast
to the dull, monotonous, hospital situation that is haunting them inside. Now his roommate,
began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by
all the activity and colour of the world outside.
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Remember, both of them are just counting their last few days and they are dying. The man who
is listening to the story, otherwise was very frustrated and then he was living a very hopeless
kind of life. But whenever he listened to what this person was narrating from the outside world,
so that made him gain some hope, he became optimistic, the outside world that was described by
him was very beautiful and very positive and very optimistic.
What did the man describe? The man described of a beautiful park with a lovely lake. Ducks and
swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in
arm amidst flowers of every colour and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the
distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other
side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. So, whenever he
describes, the other man was visualizing. Now, days and weeks passed, and they were slowly
reaching their last few days.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of
the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the
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hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked
if he could be moved next to the window, because he was longing to see what is there outside
this window and there was only one window and he could not ask before, because the other
person was already occupying that bed.
Now the nurse was happy to make this switch and after making sure he was comfortable she left
him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself upon one elbow to take his first look at the real
world outside, he is trying to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed and what was
there outside that was so beautifully described by the other man who died just now. The window,
it faced a blank wall, it was nothing, the wall was just empty, it was so close to the window you
cannot see anything other than this wall, it was just blank and empty.
The other man was just shattered, was taken aback, so he asked the nurse what could have
compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this
window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. This again
very highly ironic, the man could not even see the wall, he was just blind. She said, “Perhaps he
just wanted to encourage you.” So, the man was blind, his world is already dark, but he knew
that there is another man who is frustrated and hopeless and he wanted to give him some hope,
he wanted to tell him the beautiful things that life can offer him. So, he created, instilled lot of
hope in this person just by describing a very beautiful scenery outside the world which was not
there at all.
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What is the moral of the story? Some morals that we can derive from this story: One, there is
tremendous happiness in making others happy despite our own situations. So, the person was
blind, but despite the fact he was blind, he was able to picturize a beautiful world that made the
other person live happily. The other moral: “Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when
shared, is doubled.” So, to share your happiness, double it, but if you want to reduce your
sorrow, so then again, you share it. The next moral, “If you want to feel rich, just count all the
things you have that money can’t buy” so count all the things that money can’t buy and the more
you have, the more you can consider yourself rich. The other moral, “Today is a gift, that’s why
it is called the present.” So, don’t think about or worry about tomorrow, live in the present.
The other moral that I derived from this story is that, genuine happiness lies in compassion.
Genuine happiness lies in feeling for somebody else and trying to mitigate the pain of somebody,
trying to alleviate the pain of somebody and in that compassion lies our genuine happiness.
Negative thinking in this context, makes you refuse to accept sorrow and live a miserable life;
what would have happen if the man on the other side was given a chance to sit next to the
window from day one, he would have glanced at the empty wall and look at the blankness of the
world outside and he could have died even much before this person. However, positive thinking
makes you accept your sorrow and makes you live a happy, healthy, satisfied, fulfilling, and
meaningful life!
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Now, why positive thinking? I raised the question at the beginning why not I spend 2, 3 lessons
on negative thinking and why I have just come to positive thinking and spent only one lesson on
negative thinking. In my opinion, there is enough of negativity already in the world. Look around
you, the people around us are so negative, they don’t want us to do anything positive. Look at the
media that has surrounded us in the form of TV, newspaper, internet. They are only perpetuating
this negativeness. Look at the newspaper, watch the news, they are all telling things which are
completely negative and gloomy. Every time you see a murder, a suicide, a rape, something
about a serial killer or corruption, betrayals so, everywhere you see negativity around you, but
then race positive thinking. And the aim of the course is to share positivity and energize
participants also.
So, since the aim of the course is to share positivity and energize the participants. The main
focus throughout this course is on positive thinking and we are exclusively going to spend some
time in this and the next couple of lectures on positive thinking. How is it related to success?
Positive thinking and success go hand in hand. Success you know, begets success. Your success
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in one thing; success just starts chasing you and then it comes to you. And failure with a negative
attitude attracts more failure.
Remember in the lesson on growth mindset, we understood that failure is important to develop
your growth mindset, but to have that kind of attitude in it, you need a positive attitude. But if
you have a negative attitude, then your failure will attract only more failure. Positive Mental
Attitude or call it PMA, a negative mental attitude, call it NMA. So Positive Mental Attitude
attracts opportunities for success, while Negative Mental Attitude repels those opportunities.
PMA has the will to find a way, NMA refuses to take the first step even if the way is clear! In
this context, look at the quotation from Henry Ford who says: “Whether you think you can, or
you think you can’t you’re right.” So, whether you think positively that you can do that, you can
achieve that, you can really be happy or you think negatively that you can’t do it, you can
achieve it, you will always remain unhappy. He says that in both case you are right. It depends
on what attitude you want to carry it out, whether negative or positive and accordingly you
determine the consequences of your life.
Overall, negative thinking deprives you of self-development and keeps you in perennial vacuity.
So, when you are negatively thinking about you and your surroundings, it will not let you
actualize yourself, the self-actualization that Maslow and others talk about. It will not make you
reach your full potential, forever you will try to fill up a vacuum and that vacuum will be
remaining forever, there is a void instead of developing yourself. A very interesting quote from
Bruce Lee.
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So, the martial arts champion, so he introspects and writes in one of his letters that, “Where some
people have a self, most people have a void by self he means, the one that you have developed in
a very positive sense about yourself, most people have a void, because they are too busy in
wasting their vital creative energy to project themselves as this or that, dedicating their lives to
actualizing a concept of what they should be like rather than actualizing their potentiality as a
human being.” So, most of the negative thinking tries to build this void in terms of building a
kind of image that will fulfill others negativity instead of focusing on oneself and actualizing
one’s own potentiality as a fully realized human being.
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Now, as a concluding thought, just believe in positivity because, to quote from Leslie Cassidy,
when you start to believe in miracles, you begin to see miracles all around you, it is just the
beginning of miracles in your life and start believing that.
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For further reading, if you want to read the full form of the story that I discussed with you the
Story of Two Patients, there are so many versions available on the internet, but the one that I
liked and from which I have derived the morals also or from this verse for mind.blogspot.in
which you can refer to. There are three must-read books, whether you are going to read it now or
you are going to read it later, but this is a very valuable one for your book collection for
developing your personality. One is from Napoleon Hill and William Clement Stone, Success
Through a Positive Mental Attitude. And the other one, just by Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow
Rich. The third and the most popular of all, Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive
Thinking. I will get back to you in the next one with more suggestions from these books, until
then, think positive and then work out miracles in your life, happy staying with positivity. Thank
you for watching this video!
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Course Title
Lecture - 15
Channelizing Positive Emotions-2: Gaining Power from
Positive Thinking-2
by…
Hello everyone! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality and
welcome back again to this very energizing and exciting lesson on Channelizing Positive
Emotions and Gaining Power from Positive Thinking.
I am happy that we are going to complete the third week, this is the fifth unit, and this is lesson
15. So, on the whole you will be completing the 15th lesson and then you will be giving the third
assignment. So, in case you have not thought of giving it, I would strongly recommend, that even
if you are not interested in getting the certificate or writing the final exam, at least participate in
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the assignments, so give your thoughts, try out, whether you are thinking right or wrong, they are
not that difficult. Once you go through the videos and then look at the handouts that we have put
at the end of it in the form of PDF of ppt if you go through that you will remember whatever I
have being discussing in the lesson. So, try out the assignments and before I start this lesson, let
us take a quick highlight of the last one. In the last one, I discussed about the importance of
channelizing positive emotions with reference to gaining power from positive thinking. I started
with a story of “Two Dying Patients.”
And one patient, narrated a very beautiful story to the other patient and because of which, the
other patient was able to live longer and happily, but we realized at the end only that, the patient
who was actually narrating the story was blind and then the beautiful scenery that he has been
narrating from the window actually was facing a very blank and empty wall. Now mind in itself
can create this positivity provided you are willing to do that. So that is the point, I will emphasize
on this lesson also, it’s important to visualize positive thoughts.
And once you are able to visualize that, you will be able to energize the people around you like
the patient who did it in this story, what did it indicate overall to us? It indicated that positive
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thinking makes you accept your sorrow and it will also make you live a very happy, healthy,
satisfied, fulfilling and meaningful life. Now I said that, I will not focus more on negative
thinking especially with regard to controlling anger, I spent only one unit, I said because the aim
of the course is to share positivity and energize the participants and the focus is particularly on
positive thinking and there is so much negativity that is been floated to you through media,
through people around you. So I don’t want to spend more on negative thinking, however, in this
unit I will still tell you how to kill this negative energy and convert that into positive energy, why
because, again remember from the last one, it is important to have positive energy, positive
thinking for success and success begets success and failure with a negative attitude attracts more
failure. Positive Mental Attitude attracts opportunities for success while Negative Mental
Attitude repels those opportunities while, Positive Mental Attitude will find a way to do things to
achieve your goals, it’s negative mental attitude that will refuse to take the first step even when
the way is clear and the way is set it’s through doubt and negative thinking the journey will not
commence at all. As Henry Ford, rightly pointed out whether you think you can or you think you
can’t, you are right, so whether you are positive in your outlook or whether you are negative in
your outlook, the world unfolds according to your mental attitude. Negative thinking deprives
you of self-development and keeps you in perennial vacuity, in this context, I quoted from
Brucelee who believes that most people have a void, that is actually constituted by negative
thinking. And they are too busy in wasting their vital creative energy in their own negative
projections of themselves instead of focusing on creating a positive personality of their own.
Now, I also concluded with another thought about miracles and suggested that you should start
believing in miracles and once you start believing in miracles you will begin to see them around.
With that thought, we will move to this lesson. Now, the lesson again continues with the
previous thinking, about gaining power, by being a positive person in terms of your mental
attitude. But the question, the fundamental question that you will be asking me is that, how can I
change my negative thinking?
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It’s something that comes to me very spontaneously. Every time, I am in a group, people know
that I am the negative thinker, I don’t know, why I am so pessimistic, why I am so skeptical, why
I am doubting things all the time, but it comes to me so naturally and it is there all the time and it
is killing me, and I know, I am aware of it, but I am different, I made up this way. Don’t you
think so, and can we really change this thinking?
You know, the first thing is, change cannot happen overnight, it is something that you have
developed over a long period of time and you cannot expect to change your negative thinking
just overnight, just by watching this one single video you will not become a very highly positive
person tomorrow morning, because, negative thinking comes to you so spontaneously, so
habitually, so naturally, that you don’t even think that it is negative thinking, unless, somebody
tells that don’t talk like that, so you are just throwing your wet blanket you are dampening our
enthusiastic spirits unless somebody tells you. You don’t even realize that, you are thinking
negatively. But, if at all you want to change, you need to change the internalized habits of a
lifetime, the habits have come to you through your own thoughts, which are delving deeply in
your mind. Most of them have been fossilized, they are frozen, they have become like icebergs,
they are moving freely for some time, now they have become so strong and stabilized. Now you
need to break that ice, how can you do that? Are there steps? yes of course, what are the steps
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that you need to follow? I would suggest that follow these five steps and you will be able to
change your negativity.
The first one, is to create that burning desire combined with the drive and then, reinforced with
determination that you should change your negative thinking.
So, once you desire that you should become a positive thinking person, that is the first step. As, I
have been telling before, you cannot take a horse to the pond and make it drink. What I mean to
say is, you can only take the horse to the pond but, you cannot make it drink. The same way, I
can only tell you that follow these steps and you will be able to change your negativity but unless
you are willing to start with the first step of desiring to change, you will not be able to go to the
next one.
The next step is delving deep into self, introspecting on your own. Thinking deep, delving into
your secrets of the innermost corners of your mind, looking at the gray areas, looking at the dark
areas, throwing light on them, eliminating them and then slowly removing all the dark things, the
inner corners, recesses in our mind which are actually pulling us down, followed by discarding
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limitations. So when you identify this dark areas, the weaknesses falls, you should learn how to
discard them, throw them out and the next stage becomes easy in one sense, not easy in another
sense, that is developing positive image, easy because, already you have discarded all negative
thoughts, difficult because, this is a journey that has to become lifelong and you need to
continually proceed in this positive image and the direction that you have chosen in terms of
positivity.
And to crown all, at the end of it you need to synchronize your body and mind and world. To
some of you, they appear to be different, I will explain when I reach the final stage. The first
point, the first step: desire. Have the drive and move with determination. Desire a happy, positive
self, feel that you should have this positivity, you should kindle the drive in you to move with
positive people and live a positive life style. First, identify the positive people and then feel that
you should associate with them. Now the really positive people do two things, one, they try to
energize you if you are even negative, they try to change you and make you positive. But, when
they realize you are so determined to be negative and you are so strong in your fossilized
thoughts and you are with your fixed mindset and you cannot be grown out of that kind of
fossilized thinking, they will move away from you. So, it is important that, if you want to be
with this positive group, you need to change your mindset of being negative and then slowly
move towards a positive lifestyle and be determined to live that path, despite obstacles. So, there
will be lots of things that will come on your way.
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That will try to discourage you but move ahead.
The next stage is, delving deep into self. Now you cannot control your mind, without controlling
your negative thoughts.
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So, you need to control the thoughts and then you can control the mind and when you control the
mind, you will be able to channelize positive emotions and gain power out of your positivity. To
do this, you should distance yourself from you as an agent from your mind as the instigator to
initiate action, that is, see yourself as a separate person from what your mind is doing to you as
an individual and your body and your emotion, what is it that your mind doing? Just separate
yourself and then observe.
To do this, you need to meditate or concentrate in a very calm place or even sit in a place and
then just note down what is your mind doing, in terms of processing certain thoughts and then
what is it making you do? Introspect, over the gap between your thoughts and action. So, in a
piece of paper, you just write thoughts, what did you think and what did you do? A simple thing
like, you wanted to go to the temple, but what did you do? A friend called you for a movie and
you went to the movie. Now, what happened, why the gap happened in between, between your
thoughts and action. Just keep analyzing that.
The next important thing is, understand the difference between external and internal reality. Now
what is external reality and internal reality? External reality is the world around us, internal
reality is how we perceive that world inside us. Now see how much you live in your own internal
reality, so how much you see yourself in terms of the world that is inside you and in fact you will
realize that there is no external reality at all. All the time whatever is seeing as objects around
you, the world around you, is not the one that, you are actually internalizing, but you are using
some filters, you are using some thoughts that is seep through the filters and you are using the
thoughts to control your mind and then you create your own inner world and you live in that
inner world.
So, what you should do is, you should watch your thoughts and what are they doing? Are they
making you stronger or weaker, so some thoughts come to you and they make you feel very
strong, but, if you are a negative thinker, any thought that comes to you always makes you think
pessimistic in a negative manner and it would make you feel very gloomy and observe the filters,
how is your mind filtering, interpreting a situation, is it always interpreting it in a positive
manner or a negative manner. Now, to know this, observe others and see how are their minds
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looking at the same situation, if you are with them and then the same situation, so how do you
look at it and how do others look at it. So, if you look at it in a negative manner and when all
others are looking at it in a positive manner you should realize that it is high time that you need
to change that thinking. You should indulge, as much as possible in self-analysis, analyze
yourself, identify your limitations, what are the shortcomings, what are your weaknesses.
What are your faults, what are your mistakes? Overall, what are those aspects, traits in you,
which are contributing to your negativity. Now, you may ask, are all people doing this? of course
not. Many people are not concerned about self-analysis, many people are not concerned about
changing themselves from being a negative personality into a positive one and many people
choose to live a very normal, mundane, animal kind of existence and run their life like a robot,
like a machine that gets up at a time, eat something, runs to work and then sleeps at a time, and
then enjoy certain things at a time and then dies at a time. So, no introspection, no thinking, but
if you want to change your life, you need to introspect, you need to analyze particularly identify
the limitations and watch how your thoughts unfold from the beginning of the day. As soon as
you get up, let us say it rains heavily outside you think oh, it’s spoiled how I’ll be able to catch
that bus or my car will not be able to start, because the battery will not work if it rains heavily, so
it’s a bad day. So, how do you interpret the beginning of the day itself, do you see that as a very
unfortunate day, or do you see that as a lucky day.
Now let us look at another interesting anecdote that happened between God and the narrator who
calls himself as me in the conversation, it is about a person who complains and seeks
clarifications to God as why God put so many unfortunate, unlucky events in his one day and
God's explanation to that is quite startling. Let us look at the conversation, this is available in the
internet and then gets circulated in whatsapp and face book and some of you might have read this
also. One version is available on the net and if you want to read it, I have given the reference at
the end. But, let us look at it and see how I am relating this to the lesson that we are discussing in
terms of meaning positive power.
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An unfortunate day . . . this is a conversation with God! Me (in a tizzy): God, can I ask you
something? God: Sure. Me: Promise you won’t get mad? I promise. In a frustrated tone, why did
you let so much stuff happen to me today? Meaning that, why did you make my day so bad and
God: What do you mean? Well I woke up late. Yes! My car took forever to start. Okay! At
lunch, they made my sandwich wrong, and I had to wait. On the way home, my phone went
dead, just as I picked up a call, that was an important call. All right. And to top it all off, when I
got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my foot massager and relax, but it wouldn’t work.
Nothing went right today! why did you do that? God: Well let me see . . . the death angel was at
your bed this morning and I had to send one of other angels to battle him for your life. I let you
sleep through that. Oh! God says, I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on
your route that might have hit you if you were on the road.
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So, the person feels very ashamed and God continues. The first person who made you a
sandwich today was sick, and I didn’t want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn’t
afford to miss work. The person feels embarrassed, Oh! God: Your phone went dead because the
person that was calling was going to give a false witness about what you said on the call, I didn’t
even let you talk to them so you would be covered. I see God. God: Oh, and that foot massager,
it had a short that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think
you wanted to be in the dark at night. I’m sorry God. Don’t be sorry, just learn to trust me . . . in
all things, the good and the bad. I WILL trust you God. And don’t doubt that my plan for your
day is always better than your plan. I won’t God. And let me just tell you God, thank you for
everything today. You’re welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I love
looking after my children. Now, some of you may not believe in God, some of you may not
believe in this story, some of you may not believe that all coincidences will have a grand design
and somebody like God sitting as a supercomputer trying to operate that.
That’s fine. But, the point I am trying to make here is, most of the unfortunate things that I have
been given to us, if only we believe that, there may be something positive out of it, which we
may not be able to see it at that point of time, but we will be able to see that sooner or later. We
don’t need a God to come and explain to us like this, but then we will definitely see that,
somebody will come and tell us what happened on the road, what happened to this thing
yesterday and slowly we will uncover things which we appeared to us as something that was
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very mysterious. Now again, the point is, if you are able to trust that and have faith, instead of
doubting, instead of feeling frustrated, instead of feeling bitter at every event which you think
was cast only for you and you are unfortunate to experience that event. If only you show faith, if
only you trust, if only you believe in the goodness of the design, you will become positive.
Now some real incidences which happened when the twin tower in the US was demolished by
the terrorists. The famous, the notoriously famous 9/11 event, he will be surprised to know the
blessed people are not the ones who went to the office in time and then started working in time
they were all the time sincere and then they were so dedicated to work but, the blessed ones are
the people who had some cold or cough or some kind of sickness that morning and had to apply
for leave, the blessed people are the ones who just missed the train. The blessed are the ones who
got their taxi late, the blessed are the ones whose cars didn’t start the day, the blessed are the
ones who were caught in the traffic jam. Those are very interesting case about one person who
decided to come back, his office is so near from his home and he generally walks, but he decided
to come back because his new shoes were pinching, so he was feeling the pain, he got irritated
and he just wanted to change the shoes to the old one. So, he came back home, change the shoes
and by the time he came out, so the tower was demolished. So, the really blessed and the
fortunate, you will know, only in the long run, so do not curse yourself for the events which are
shaped, which are planned for you for the day. Face them courageously, accept them as part of
your life experience and face them the positive frame of mind and that is the one that will help
you to change yourself.
Now, in the introspection you should identify the false limitation, shortcomings and then you
should discard the limitations, you should throw away your false. The day you change will be the
day you will identify your limitations and accept them.
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Now, how do you do that? You will do that without blaming others or without blaming the
circumstances and if you are willing to room full responsibility for any event, any consequence
and if you are willing to face the reality in all situations whether good or adverse, so then only
you will be able to overcome your limitations. And most important of all, you should be able to
empathize with others, we all watch the world with our own colored glasses, some use green,
some use yellow and different colors and when you look at a bird when you look at some object,
you see it from that colored glasses. And reality is something that is missing all the ways, in
which we are looking at the objects. We use plain glass, but the way we receive reality is not that
plain. It is always distorted. So, it is important that you need to look into others glasses and how
they are perceiving reality before you get into conflict with those people. The moment you learn
how to empathize conflicts will not be there, only positivity will be generated and good
relationships will be enhanced and the most important of all you need to stop all bad habits.
We had spent quite some time in the previous course about stopping bad habits and developing
good habits. Interesting stories were told so, just go back and then take a quick revision about
habit of lessons, but here I would say that just you have to stop all bad habits and then when you
are identifying the false and limitations and then identify what kind of thoughts are making you
sorrowful, what’s giving you reasons for your grief. Now change that particular behavior that is
trying to make you sorrow.
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A negative person finds problems in every solutions, find out whether you are that kind of
person, somebody is spending so much time taking great pains to find solutions, some complex
problems and you just go there and find out thousands of problems in the solutions. What it
actually means is, you are caught in your own thoughts which are chaining you and do not be a
prisoner of your own mind. A famous poet, Robert Lowell makes a very interesting statement he
says that, I myself am my enemy nobody else. So, it is my thoughts, my thinking, those are enemy
to me, nobody else and if anything, good or bad, happens to me it is coming because of my
thoughts, not because of anybody else. Now, once you are able to discard those limitations, the
next stage is developing positive image. Now how can you do this? You can do this by changing
this vicious cycle of repetition and reinforcement from negative to positive! Let me explain: Now
in any negative thoughts, the negative thoughts stay permanently in you, they get perpetuated by
your act of repetition.
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You keep on repeating, you keep on doing the same thing again and again and not only you keep
on doing the same thing, you reinforce, you add extra negative traits to that and then you get
caught in the vicious cycle.
A small example like a person who has this bad habit of drinking, so every time he will tell his
wife okay, this evening I will not drink so while he passes by the wine shop automatically he
feels gravitated towards that shop and then orders for something gives whatever money is there
in the pocket drinks, and he has promised also his wife that he will come back home in time and
every day he misses this, everyday he drinks, every day he goes late. Now, this gets reinforced
day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year so then the reinforcement
happens and the habit becomes fossilized, it becomes very difficult to change. But, so is a
positive habit, if only one day you want to change so instead of going in that direction, if only
you decide to change the direction, you will be able to skip that negative habit one day. And then
repeat. Skip the habit, next day, following day, and then, reinforce in days, in months, in years.
so, even the positive thinking can be repeated and reinforced.
Remember, one of the strategies for overcoming bad habits, I mentioned that, replace a bad habit
with a good habit, so if you are able to replace that, so for example cigarette smoking, not only
stopping that, every time you feel like smoking a cigarette, so you eat a carrot or you eat some
nuts, something that is healthy and replace that with something that is unhealthy. So that is how,
you will be able to feed and reinforce the positive cycle also. In that stage, a very important
aspect is visualization. You should be able to visualize the positive person you want to be.
Let us say that you want to become a very famous public speaker. Now, you have to sit alone,
meditate, concentrate or just close your eyes if you think that these words are very bombastic
words and high-sounding words just sit calmly and create a blank space in your mind and in the
space you fill your thoughts of you, standing before the mike, speaking very confidently and
getting a very standing ovation at the end of the speech. Now, keep visualizing this, you only
your confidence image on positive image. And people asking you questions and you are able to
deal with that very efficiently, very confidently, so that visualization add it with lot of colourful
thoughts, a person whom you are dying to speak, maybe of the opposite sex is coming and
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congratulating you, you feel so elated. Now, add all these colourful thoughts, initially you were
begging for giving a talk, now people are willing to give you huge amount of money, lot of
rewards. Now, visualize, put all this colour into your visualization and then keep that thought in
your mind again and again. Now, when you keep this thought, that is your goal and visualize that
in a positive manner, you will be able to derive new strength, and a new calmness compared to
your previous nervousness, fretfulness and fearfulness, you will develop a calmness and overall
you will develop a new personality that is slowly moving towards making a positive view from
both inside and outside. When I say, inside and outside, the last stage that you need to reach is a
stage in which you need to synchronize your body and mind and the world.
Now, our mind and body are connected, although people think that they are separate. This can be
illustrated very simply when you look at your response in situations, where you have to come out
with a fight-or-flight response. So, on night you are alone, and dogs are just chasing and barking
at you, now you have to either fight and if there are many dogs, you know you cannot fight so
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flight, you have to run fast. So, this kind of fight or flight situation your mind immediately
stimulates this hormone called adrenaline and make you run faster, so the mind-body
synchronization is there. But, the world is something that is given to you by your mind and then
it makes your body react, that is, if your mind thinks that something is bad and then tells your
body also it is bad, if it thinks that it is good, it also tells your body that it is good. But for
creating this positive personality, you need to synchronize all three, that is, your mind has to
think, but your thoughts are pure and good, and you need to express that to emulate that positive
personality. And body will do that and interpret the world in that positive manner. So, it is a kind
of feedback when you show positiveness, the world will also look towards you in a positive
manner. So, synchronize these things, which sometimes look discordant in your life and try to
reverse fearful response to joyful one.
Now, the fearful response will give you nervousness, but you can reverse that just like the fearful
one will make you lower your head, but the joyful one will make you feel cheerful, so just
listening to music, dancing, cycling, etc. When you do that on your body it changes your mind
okay, so you can understand the connection, so you like for example you are very gloomy,
somebody is putting very cheerful music. So, after some time, your mind will also change or
somebody drags you for a dancing and you really said the end of the dancing your gloominess
has just evaporated, so thoughts also change our body language. When you think low, you
slouch, but, when you think high, you become confident, you walk erect, so if you are thoughts
are depressed, your body language will also exhibit depressiveness, luminous to others, but if
you make your thoughts cheerful, your body language will also express cheerfulness.
And, as you know, this cheerfulness, happiness, positivity, is contagious, you will also make
your environment very cheerful and energetic. Now fear, whether you fear for cockroach or dog
or stage fright or any kind of fear, psychologists say that, they are all associated to only one thing
that is death. Let us say you think that, you are afraid of dog, but actually your fear is, if the dog
will bite me and then if I get the disease and then if I die, if no medicines work effectively and
then I die, so what will happen?
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So stage fright, so instead of giving that presentation in a very effective manner, the fear is that,
what will happen if I fail, if I fail everybody will humiliate me, they will throw me out of the job
or they will not give me the job and because they don’t do this, I will lose job, I will have no
money, so I cannot live a happy life without money, so I have to commit suicide or eventually I
mean die. Now, all are associated with death, no reconcile with that, there is no surety that next
moment will be yours, the moment we are born, we are going to die some day or other.
But fearing that, death is coming to you, in public speaking, death is coming to you in the form
of cockroach, death is coming to you in the form of lizard, death is coming to you in the form of
mosquitoes will give you only negativity. But, if you think that no, I will become strong and then
this mosquito bite will not kill me and even if it makes me vulnerable, so I will find ways in
which I can make myself stronger and then work towards a very strong and powerful personality.
So, reconcile with this notion of death and then you will be able to think strong about yourself
and you should synchronize your body, mind and world. Now, as a concluding thought, I just
want you to think two good positive thoughts. One is from Roald Dahl, from him, if you have
good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams. So you will be like sunbeams the
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good thoughts will come out, and you will always look lovely, what attracts you is the good
thoughts, is the inner most cheerfulness that will be seen out by people and that will attract you
towards others. And, another one from Helen Keller, “Keep your face to the sunshine and you
cannot see a shadow,” which means that look at the most brightful, powerful positive thinking,
that is shown to you in the form of sunshine, then you will not see any weakness, any
fearfulness, any shadow will not be seen in your life. For further reading, the same three books
which I have mentioned.
Apart from the conversation which I took from the internet if you want to read that, you can read.
So, thank you so much for watching this and then we have reached the conclusion of third week,
wish you all the best for writing this assignment in a very effective and successful manner.
Assignments are again helping you to analyze yourself and develop yourself into a very positive
personality. Wish you all success, by developing a very positive personality. Thank you so
much!
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Course Title
Lecture - 16
People Skills-1: What Makes Others Dislike You?
by…
Hello everyone! I am very happy to welcome you back for the fourth week lessons.
This is the first unit for my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality and this is in total
lesson number 16. This lesson is titled as People Skills, the first one on People Skills. What
makes others dislike you? If you remember the introduction to the course, I have been telling that
soft skills are nothing but people skills. But today, I want to look exclusively on those People
Skills which are relevant in maintaining human relationships and particularly the tribes, which
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make people dislike you. And before we start, let me take a quick look at what we did in the
previous one. Highlights of the Last Lesson.
In the last lesson, I discussed about the importance of changing your negative thinking in order
to develop a positive self-image. Change, I said, cannot come overnight, it is a systemic process
with long-term consequences, and it involves at least five steps. Such as, One, Desire/Drive/
Determination. You need to desire to have a very happy positive self and you need to kindle the
drive in you and once you kindle and start the journey, you need to be determined to stay there.
Secondly, you have to delve deep into yourself that is, you need to do lot of introspection and
self analysis. Our thoughts are the ones which are controlling our behavior and there is lot of
connection between thoughts and our actions.
However, what we think is not something that we execute all the time and there is a huge gap
between what we think and what we do. So, what happened in between our action and our
thoughts? How do we see the world? And there is this external and internal world; the internal
world is the one that we have conceived for ourselves and kept in our mind. And surprisingly, we
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use lot of filters, we interpret that world for ourselves and keep that inside and most of the times
we live in that inside world, inside reality only.
We do not even bother about what is happening outside. The way we use filters, to see reality is
more important and we need to observe those filters. How is that our mind filtering, interpreting
a situation? Is it similar to rest of the people or is it different, are all people feeling positive about
the situation about which my mind is interpreting in a negative manner? Observe others and see
how they react and if you react differently, so then you need to introspect deep and change the
behavior that is making you react differently. Understand, unfortunate events, which you think
are unfortunate and you curse other people and circumstances, maybe blessings in disguise. So, I
discussed a long conversational story between God and the person of the story to illustrate this
point that, unfortunate events are not really unfortunate they are planned, disguised blessings.
The third step is after identifying our limitations, we need to discard. Now, before we discard,
that is throw out the limitations from our system. We need to first accept them, that those
limitations are our limitations, our faults, our mistakes, without blaming others we need to take
full responsibility, without blaming any environment or circumstances we have to own ourselves
as responsible and only then we will be able to discard them.
And the next stage is, Developing Positive Image. Now, after purifying ourselves, introspection,
self-analysis, discarding mistakes, false limitations, it is time to develop the positive image.
Now, the positive image can be developed, by reinforcing and repeating positive traits in us. To
do that, you need to visualize, becoming a positive person that you want to be. I explained how
you can visualize, whatever you want to be, whether it is a person as a public speaker or as a
great writer, you visualize the way you want it to be and then you keep that visualization in all
colorful manner in your mind.
And then, work towards it, and the fifth stage is, synchronizing your body and mind and world.
Often, it appears that body and mind appear to be discordant but actually they are very well
connected, which is very clear in situations like fight or flight where the mind is also afraid when
there is a physical impending danger? But we can also reverse the mind to feel happy by putting
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our body in pleasing environment, such as going for a walk in a park, calming ourselves,
meditating, and at the same time, we can also have happy thoughts in our mind and then make
our body feel enthusiastic and energetic, both are possible.
And once you are able to connect the body and the mind, in all positivity, we should next
connect this with the external reality from which we are distancing ourselves and keeping our
own inner reality in a very insulated manner. Try to synchronize this inner reality with the
external, without lot of filters and try to see the real as it is. Do not take only things which are
favorable to you and avoid things which are appearing to criticize your behavior. But take
everything warts and all and then accept them, develop your positive image. So, that was the
overall message that I gave in the last lesson.
Now, in this one, as I said, we are going to look at the skills which you need to keep people
around you, because soft skills are nothing but, those skills that will help you to have a very good
binding with the people around you who are responsible for your success or happiness. Now, in
order to keep the people around you, in the previous one I said do lot of self-analysis,
introspection. Now, this is an expansion of identifying those limitations, false in you, which you
need to overcome. Now some of you do not know that you have lots of false. In fact, when I was
making a slight research on how many dislikeable qualities I can find inhuman beings, I thought
maybe I will identify 10, I thought I may end up with 20, but I was surprised and mildly shocked
to know that up to 40 qualities I found, which people normally dislike in others. These are
qualities that I researched, I asked people, I interviewed some and based on my own experience,
I identified and gathered them and put for you. What should you do? Now, when I am discussing
these points for which people actually dislike you. Now try to identify how many you have and
try to eliminate them, once like you realize that you have these qualities.
Some of you may have just ten of them, some of you have 20 of them, some of you may have
even more than 40, even there are certain traits which I might have missed mentioning here. But
it only means that, you need to have this awareness and you need to pay attention to them in
terms of eliminating them. And in the next lesson, I will inform you as how you can actually
replace them with good thoughts, good qualities, good rights and make people actually attracted
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towards you. Now, why this topic? First, you need to understand the attraction, distraction,
principle, how it works.
Human beings are like magnets, not only like magnets, literally you know that we have lot of
magnetic energy within us, around us, in the field around us, we have lot of it. So, figuratively
also, we attract others due to certain qualities in us and they get rippled, okay, or they feel
rippled from us due to sudden unlikeable traits in us. So, the attraction, repulsion is happening
because of attractive qualities, as well as qualities which others find very repugnant, loathsome,
hateful. Now, when I talk to people and then when you ask people who are generally unhappy
and then generally who have lots of complaints.
They often say that I don’t understand why people don’t like me. I always know this, that, for
people, but I don’t know people are ungrateful, they don’t even like me. People always hate me,
nobody likes me and some people with this thought, that there is nobody to like them, even
commit suicide. What a precious waste of life, but seldom do they introspect and analyze the
qualities in them which repels them from others. If only, they were given a chance to introspect
on those qualities which repel them from others.
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Perhaps, there was a possibility of redemption and they could have changed themselves and
make people like them. Now in this lesson, as I said at the outset, we will look at the most
detested qualities inhuman beings. In the next lesson, we will see how we can overcome them by
replacing them in the most attractive qualities.
You may ask me; why should you eliminate hateful traits in you? why can’t I have all the hateful
traits in me. I don’t care about others. I can live an isolated life, okay. So that comes actually out
of one negative egoistic tendency in you. But what you need to understand is that, as human
beings we are all social animals. We all need emotional fulfillment, in fact we are also emotional
animals and we need constant support from the society for our uplift meant and growth. Without
society supporting us, it is not possible for individual growth. Always the individual and the
society is in a dynamic and kind of synchronistic process. They are always in this synthetic mode
in which, there is a given take from both sides. So, we cannot survive for a long time, without
reassurance from others. So that is why the highest punishment that is given to people is, putting
them in cell, camp, where they are completely isolated, they are put in solitary confinement,
where they cannot talk to any human beings, and we will not be able to survey for a long time
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without emotional support from others. In fact, our happiness quotient depends on the number of
people who like us and are willing to help us without expecting anything in return.
If people like you, if people know that you are genuine, people will be willing to help you,
support you, be with you irrespective of the money part that is involved in it. However, you
should also understand that we cannot force people to like us. Some people think that I will
throw money on people, I will give party after party, I will give lot of gifts. So, all the material
things people might be appearing to be attracted towards you. But not actually towards your
personality, but it stores the material gifts that you have been giving them. And, people will
automatically like us, if you are able to eliminate all hateful qualities in us. Otherwise, despite
the material benefits you are bestowing on people, they end up hating you, sooner or later they
will leave you. It will be extra bonus if you are able to add likable traits in us. And then we will
have more people gravitating towards us. So, on the one hand, even if you are able to eliminate
all these forty hateful traits that I am going to identify for you just now, then, also people will
start liking you. But in addition to that, in the next lesson, we are going to discuss about likeable
traits, and if you are able to emulate those traits, inculcate some of those characteristics in you,
so, there is nothing like people gravitating towards you and liking to be in your company.
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Now, let us identify the dislikeable right. The first one, Showing Egoistic/Egocentric/Egotistic
tendency: “Ego” means “I” so egoistic is keeping all the time I in all the talk. Egocentric is
wanting to be at the center stage all the time. And keeping people at the margin, pushing others
and demanding the center space all the time egotistical is all the time boasting about oneself. So
overall it is about being self-centered and not being able to empathize with others point of view.
Always boasting about oneself and one’s achievements but never listening to others and talking
repeatedly endlessly about oneself. Never bothering to listen to others, so that is the score of
egocentric, self-centered, nature that actually replaced people.
Next, Being Aggressive/Arrogant: we have spent quite some time distinguishing between
assertiveness and aggressiveness. But with aggressiveness, arrogance also comes, and these
people always push their agenda. They are very unpleasantly proud, domineering, dictating terms
and combat me. They would like to get it at all costs by any means.
The next trait is Being Negative/Pessimistic/Cynical. Now, one should know that there is always
something positive in everything that happens. But when one possesses negativity it shows lack
of faith in oneself and others. So, the pessimist will never let any good thing happen nor will let
anyone take any good initiative. There will be all this cynical, they will be always doubtful. They
will always prevent somebody doing any good thing neither they will do, nor they will allow
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others to do. So, they will not leave and let others sleep they will not leave themselves, they will
not let others live happily also. So that and they will share their negative energy with others and
make others feel negative also. People will try to avoid if they know that you are all the time
pessimistic and cynical. And especially, when they want to start a new endeavor, they would not
come to you asking for suggestions, because they know that you are going to say no, you are
going to be negative.
The other trait, that people generally don’t like in others is, being critical of others, there are
some people who are always finding fault with others. Some are too nit-picking, that is overly
critical, even small things they will criticize. Instead of looking at some positive traits in others,
their mind will always look at the negative ones and their eyes are always critical. And
everywhere they will find this and not only they will find it, they will also point it out to others.
Combined with this, is this tendency of never appreciating others, this comes because of lot of
other things that I said before, being self-centered and not trying to appreciate others is because
they are, may be, overly critical of others. But overall, for whatever reason it maybe, they don’t
praise others, even when they really deserve some kind of appreciation, they don’t do that.
And next, especially it happens in case of colleague’s boss, never giving credit to others in
teamwork, when you do something. So, somebody else did something, on your behalf it is
important that, you need to give credit to that person, even at the cost of losing your face, it
doesn’t matter. And, if you are the team leader, if you are the boss, you need to give credit to the
entire team. But what happens in reality, these bosses, these managers, these leaders, actually
take the credit for others’ work. They didn’t do it, but then they take the credit of others’ work.
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The next negative trait, that people dislike in others is, this quality of worrying. Sometimes it is
fine that life is bad and then you worry about it. But then, these worriers, they are constant
worriers. And, even if there is a good cause for happy, they will say no, but what about this and
you say oh, but can’t you see this, this should make you happy no, no, no, but what about this
situation? Is it not making me unhappy? All the time worrying, not only worrying themselves,
making others worried also about these people. It is very important if you have this trait, you
should read the book that I have mentioned at the end of this lesson: How to Stop Worrying and
Start Living by Dale Carnegie, it is a must-read book. If you are this constant worrying type,
because you need to stop this worry because it can kill you, it can give you acidity, it can give
you cancer. If you look at the top five reasons for getting cancer, number two is worrying, just
worrying. So, you have to be very careful with this tendency and then this one classic kind of a
book that helps you to overcome this.
Now, slightly combined with worrying is this, nagging types, in a very funny manner, usually
nagging is associated with henpecked husbands, whose wives are supposed to nag them, but
overall nagging refers to urging, reminding constantly. Now, a hint for the wise is enough, so,
even if you suggest somebody to do something, most of the times they do it. But you keep on
telling it 10 times, 20 times and you keep on reminding again and again to the extent that you
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annoy this person. And then, even you provoke the person to get angry with you. So, that
nagging, is something people don’t like.
The other trait is, being rude or impolite, this often goes with this aggressive and arrogant
people. But, even without that sometimes people can be very rude, very offensive and
embarrassing to others, like the curt, reluctant salesman. Sometimes, you go for buying
something and the salesman is not interested in showing that to you or let us say it is a very
expensive thing and he thinks that you are a low-class person and you are a poor guy and you
will not be able to buy that. So, he has a kind of attitude, in which he becomes very offensive and
rude. So that, not only in case of salesman, with anybody, rudeness, people don’t like.
The next thing, that people don’t like is being undependable. That is, being untrustworthy,
unreliable and totally irresponsible. Once people realize that they cannot trust you especially in
crucial moments, so slowly they will be draw from you. It is associated with the next dislikable
equality that I am going to discuss, that is, being fraudulent. You must have heard the term “Fake
People”, nobody likes fake people, the pretentious type, the fraudulent ones. Who are fake
people? Fake people or dishonest but pretend to be very genuine people, they put the guys as if
they are very genuine, very concerned, very sincere, but actually, they are dishonest people. In
crowd, they will go to the most powerful or very rich or showy people. And in social gatherings
let us say you are in less position or in a less rank. And, you see these fake people in the social
gatherings, they won’t even come to you, but they won’t even recognize you in public places,
and they will always go to the ones who are very powerful, who are high in rank or in position. It
is one important one by which you can identify these people. But, in private situation, they will
talk in such a manner that they are your intimate friend, very close to you. But when it comes to
outside, sometimes they don’t even want to be associated with you, they act as if you are not
even their friend, they are really fake people and like, you need to discard them. But if you have
this thing, you should understand that people will not like this quality. Associated with this is
also this, gossiping tendency.
What do people who gossip do? They gather and spread personal information about other people,
they will talk to one person, they will gather all personal information and they will share it with
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the other one, whom this person doesn’t like, often they are rivals or enemies. So, sharing one
information with the other one very personal and backbiting. So, saying bad things about the
other person before this one, to make this one feel very important I am only loyal to you. I am
saying all bad things about that person to you, but you should realize that, this person will also
go and tell the other person all bad things about you to him. So, you should not be deluded into
the belief that, this person is trying to be very genuine and only bringing all gossip to you, you
also, is part of the gossip that this person is gathering for others information. So, you have to be
careful with this trait also. The other dislikeable traits, making false promises:
Or, never keeping promises, though these people will swear on God or child to make a
convincing promise, they will swear on anything, okay. They will put their hand on fire, they
will do all these promises, but they just forget it, or they ignore it, they don’t do; at the time they
promise and get some money from you or get some benefit from you, but their promise stands
good only for that moment.
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Combined with this, is the next dislikable trait, that is cheating or manipulating. Now some
people think that other people are meant for using only. In fact, you can use anything but not
people. So, trying to use people for their personal benefits by manipulating, by cheating, thinking
that they don’t know that their others are being manipulated. But in the long run, manipulators
and cheaters will be found and dislike profusely. The next dislikeable trait is, using abusive
language or cursing as a habit, even when it is not required. Now, people not only like sweet
voice but also sweetness in word choice! So, when you use abusive language, people will
automatically try to leave you.
So is shouting and shouting at people frequently and unnecessarily just to show that you are
boss, just to show that you are superior or just to show that you want to dominate, whatever it is
that, shouting is detested. Similarly, talking in a loud tone, normally you need to speak in a tone
that is audible to the person who is next to you. There is no need to amplify your voice so that
people in the next room can also hear you. Now, this will help in histrionics, that is, if you are
acting or delivering some dialogue, that’s fine and there are some situations where you need to
speak in loud voice that is also okay.
But people generally feel comfortable and open up with soft-spoken characters, those are soft-
spoken. People generally feel that, they are more matured and mellowed than the ones who are
loud in speaking, in raising their voice. Another trait, for identifying the fake people, is their
shifting glances. Dishonest people will avoid direct eye-contact. They keep shifting their glances
to look for better people. And then, if they see somebody better coming around, they will just
leave you on the ledge and then go and talk to the other person. So, these shifting glances, not
maintaining direct eye contact, will indicate that the person is not genuine and it will create
dislike in relationships.
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Another interesting quality that people don’t like in others is, too much of indulgence in self-
pity. Now, occasionally people can sympathize with your plight and do something to encourage
you, give emotional support, but they will run away from you if you demand help from others
constantly.
The other thing that I talked, even in terms of managing time, people dislike those who never
keep time. People don’t like to be kept waiting and hate others who don’t know the value of their
time. So, you should be punctual and while talking, people don’t like if people are in attentive.
So being inattentive, is the next quality they dislike. What does it mean? Not paying attention to
what is being said, getting distracted, losing focus and getting distracted so quickly. And people
have to ask again and again, are you listening to me or did you follow what I said, oh, oh! yeah, I
remember, I remember. So, this, that getting distracted and coming back, only when you are
shaken is something that people don’t like.
The next bad trait people do not like in others is, ridiculing, condescending and being sarcastic.
All are similar traits but doing all these things in a way to humiliate others. Especially by making
fun in terms of their body constitution like, making fun of somebody who is tall, saying that you
are like a palm tree or somebody who is fat or somebody who is shot and giving all nicknames or
stereotyping people in terms of race, colour, caste, religion, language, nationality, etc. And
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ridiculing or looking down on them, that is condescending or being very sarcastic, making
caustic remarks in a very funny manner. Now, all these things will immediately repel people.
And then there is all this type of people who are not liked, who appear to show that they are
Knowing-It-All or they are called as this Know-It-All types. Now, whatever you say they will
say, yeah, yeah, I know it, I know it. I know it before you tell me in this thing. So, what it
indicates is, they are close-minded, and they are prejudiced, so they are not actually even giving
credit, giving contingency to any new information that you are bringing to them. It’s their
rigidity of thinking that is stopping them. And people don’t like this rigid minded people.
The next dislikable trait is, Exhibiting Holier-Than Thou Attitude. Now, such people think that,
they are always better than others, for example let’s say in terms of food habit, whether it could
be vegetarian or non-vegetarian thing. The one trying to tell, oh, you don’t eat this food. So as if
like or saying it oh! you eat this food, so making them feel that you are doing something very
criminal, something wrong. So, you are doing this, I don’t do such things. So, I am holier, I am
far superior in terms of my values compared to you. So, showing that attitude, people would like
to leave you.
And then, normally there are occasions you should be serious but if you are dead serious all the
time; lacking in good sense of humor or sense for humour, whether you are able to crack jokes
and make other laugh or at least you should be able to laugh when others are telling jokes. (Refer
Slide Time: 33:14)
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Even when it is a humorous situation if you keep your face very serious and poker, so, people
will not like to be in your company because, you are not making that entire conversation enliven
by your participation.
The other trait that people don’t like in others is being indecisive. Taking too much time to
decide even trivial things and wasting others time, asking somebody can I do this or not and then
the other person spends about one hour to think about it and give very valuable suggestion. And
then saying no, no, no if I do this, that will happen so, I will not do this. What about this? Then
again, the person spends a lot of time to research on that and then comes out with another
solution, again saying that no, no, no I don’t think I will do this. Now, being indecisive not able
to decide, even on very trivial things.
Similar to this is being slow and lazy. Very slow in responding to something and when people
are expecting that you will say yes or no by just sending an SMS, okay, are just calling and
saying something and you take one or two months to respond to that and generally being lazy is
something that people don’t like.
Another dislikeable quality is showing apathy. Apathy is lack of feeling for anything, so not
showing interest in anything so would you like to have coffee? No, I don’t like coffee, would
you like to have tea? I don’t like tea also; would you like to have ice cream? I hate ice creams.
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Now you ask anything they will keep on saying I don’t like this, I don’t like this. Now, why
would somebody like this person? If you don’t like anything in the world, apathy is something
that is disliked in others.
The next dislikeable quality is, if a person is being judgmental and impatient what do they do
when they are judgmental. They will run into conclusions so quickly without even experiencing
truth, without even reasoning it out something. They will just immediately think that Oh, this
person is bad guy. And this one is good, that is again wrong judgmental assessment and
impatience comes with that, they are not patient to assess facts.
The next dislikable quality is, being moody. Some people are temperamental, mercurial and
chameleon-like. So, morning they are happy, afternoon they are sad, evening they are in
depression, next day they are in the heights of ecstasy. Now, people are not sure when these
people will get angry and when they will be pleased. Suddenly, they just share a joke and then
they get angry or they sulk, and they feel that you have offended now. So, it is very difficult to
deal with people who are moody and then they don’t even share, they become unapproachable
when they are moody, and it is like they will try to negate relationships during that time even
very important relationships. So, being moody is another trait that people generally don’t like.
Getting angry is another important trait that people dislike, which we spend lot of time in the
lesson on managing anger, sufficient to tell you that nobody likes an angry person, especially the
one who never realizes or acknowledges or makes amends.
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Other dislikeable traits; showing favoritism, like being partial and giving some benefit to
somebody and not giving the same benefit to others especially if you are a principal or a boss or
a higher authority. And, similarly showing respect to some, whether you are a boss, or anybody
showing respect to select people and treating some with disrespect and giving differential
treatment to people so that is overall amounting to showing favoritism which people detest in
others. Being illogical is another dislikable trait. What do these people do? Generally, you cannot
reason them out, the other thing is they are being blind in defending some people even if they are
wrong, because of vested interests. So, you cannot convince them with the reason that, somebody
is wrong because, these people like them so blindly they will defend these people.
The other bad quality in some people is, trying to control other’s life, especially by forcing them
to accept one’s own decisions. How do they control others? They will decide what other should
eat, the time they should sleep, what they should do, when they should have children, when they
should get married, when they should go for a job, what car they should be driving, what shirt
they should be wearing. So, they are sometimes control freaks, they are so much obsessed with
controlling others. Now people would always like to run away from this control freaks.
The last few traits, that I want to discuss are, related to personal hygiene and social etiquette
which I may spend some time on separate lessons but, very quickly to tell you, what is it that
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they don’t like in others, not caring for personal hygiene such as, smelling badly; garlic smell
coming from the mouth and then, a lot of bad smell emanating from armpits or bad smell coming
from the hair, looking lousy, dirty and uncut nails, running nose, but not doing anything and you
always see some mucus on the upper part of the lip. And sometimes it even enters into the mouth
and then they don’t bother, and it annoys others to even look at that kind of thing, picking nose
in public and so on. So not caring for personal hygiene, generally people will try to tell politely
through indirect means but after some time they would like to keep away from this kind of
people.
Similarly, possessing unpleasant social etiquette also repels people, such as, eating food noisily
or leaving plenty of food on plate, especially when it is expensive. And you go on order so much
especially on somebody else’s money and then you just throw that. And having other poor table
manners, etc. Another trait, that people don’t like in others when they disregard the private space
of others. So, in the previous course, we discussed something about the private space where,
there is this, arms distance you should maintain. Now, going and sitting close to the others,
especially it may be the opposite sex, without their permission. Reaching the level of touching
them without their permission and forcibly and sometimes trying to show power or abusing the
vulnerability of the subordinates, so, that is something they disregard, they dislike this disregard.
Last, but not the least, one overall trait that people generally disliked in others is that, when you
meet someone at the end of the meeting these are those people they leave us with a very bad
feeling or some kind of intimidation, we go out with some kind of nervousness, fear, we feel
threatened, we feel insecure. There is an uncomfortable feeling having met this person and we
wonder why for instance we came and met this person and we regret over the meeting. So, those
people who leave you with this bad feeling or if you are among those people, you should know
that you will never be liked. For whatever reasons that you might be doing you may be the boss
you want to threaten others, you may be a teacher you want to threaten your students, you are a
manager and you have to intimate others. But if you really want to be liked, so people don’t like
this bad feeling and they will always remember the way they have been treated so they will
forget other events in which you might have appeared to be good.
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But then, always when you leave them with this bad feeling, that will remain in them and that
will slowly make them dislike you. Now having said this, don’t jump into conclusion and then
immediately try to identify these traits in somebody whom you hate.
And you say that, oh, that person has all bad qualities and I don’t have these ones. There are
some revealing statements from Carl Jung, which I want you to introspect, read very carefully,
even meditate over these very thoughtful sayings from this psychiatrist and philosopher. He says,
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” So, if
you say but, these are qualities that I don’t like in others, what Jung says is that, those things can
lead us to an understanding of ourselves. These are traits we are seeing in others, but we may be
possessing those traits also. And we are not acknowledging them, we are like ostriches. The
ostrich will put its head inside the sand and think that it is out of danger from reality. So, we
close our eyes like that, and we think that others are at fault. So, Jung says that, if you are
irritated by some quality, just be watchful whether you have that quality in you, and you are
irritating others with that same quality. Next, he says, “Your vision will become clear only when
you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” If you
want that awakening to happen, look inside and what should you look inside he says again,
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“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other
people.” So, darkness is the negative qualities, the horrible trait in us, the detestable qualities in
us. He says that knowing your darkness first, instead of taking the list that I have given you and
then just identifying that somebody else is having all these things.
First, you make a checklist, you just try to identify how many of these stripes are with me and if
you are really honest and sincere you can take the checklist and show to others. So, in this
lesson, I have been told that these are forty dislikable qualities, you can ask your close friends,
you can ask your trusted friends. And if you have the guts, you can ask your enemies, your rivals
and give them the list and tell them to put a checklist. Of the 40, tell me honestly how many do I
possess, because I seek to know my own darkness and I want to throw light on that and then I
want to get some illumination and I want to live in that light, not in the darkness and by that you
will be throwing light on your own self and then you will also identify the darkness on others,
but at the same time, you will try to throw more light by developing good qualities and by
overcoming this dislikeable traits.
Some interesting books that you can go through if you have time.
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One is by, Carl Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul. It is a collection of his essays dealing
with this kind of traits in human beings. And Dale Carnegie’s book, which I mentioned already,
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living and James Altucher’s Choose Yourself: Be Happy, Make
Millions, Live the Dream. So, this for further reading and I thank you so much for watching this
video. I hope these traits, if looked at carefully and then introspected properly and then if you
can join this your self-analysis, it will help you to know where you are and how you can go to
the next stage in your life. The next stage is, identifying this, overcoming and trying to invite
qualities which people like in us.
So, we will meet in the next lesson in which I will discuss with you, how to attract people and
why some people are very attractive and charismatic and how you can become those people and
attract others to you. Thanks again for watching this video.
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Course Title
Lecture - 17
People Skills-2: What Makes Others Like You? - 1
by…
Hello! hai, welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. We are in the
fourth week of this course, this is the second unit and lesson 17.
This week, I introduced you exclusively on People Skills, so although I said that Soft Skills or
actually People Skills you might wonder why particularly this week we are focusing on people
skills. People Skills in the sense that, the qualities in you, that will make people like you or
dislike you are the main thrust of this week, so we started with those qualities that normally
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make people dislike you in the previous one and from this one, we look at those qualities that
will make people like you.
What will make people attracted towards you or how can you attract people? what qualities
should you possess so that people by and large will like you, that will be the focus of this lesson
and the next lesson also. Before I start, very quickly if you want to have highlights of the last
lesson.
What I did, I focused on People Skills, specifically, to the traits that make people dislike you. I
discuss to you about this attraction, distraction principle, that is nothing but, the way human
beings attract people to their own good qualities, just like a magnet and distract or repel them,
because of the dislikeable qualities in them. I also discussed in the previous lesson as, why it is
important to eliminate detestable qualities, loath some qualities, qualities which people don’t like
in us. The importance is that, if you don’t eliminate those qualities, people will start eliminating
you, people the moment they dislike you they may be your subordinates.
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So, they may work with you, stay with you, out of compulsion, but sooner or later they would
like to leave you, be cut off from you and it will leave you in a kind of isolated situation just
because you possessed some dislikeable traits. Is it not wise to change those traits, as much as
possible and make you likeable, in a professional and personal environment, so, yes of course,
and that is the reason why I said that it is very important to eliminate detestable qualities. I also
mentioned to you, that we are all social animals and without having people to like us, without
people to support us in all our endeavors, we will not feel successful and happy.
So, it is very important that we don’t isolate us, because of our own negative traits, but we try to
have people in our group as much as possible by cultivating good traits which are likeable for
others. In that context, we identified about 40 qualities that would make anybody, dislike
anybody else. Now, those qualities, instead of like discussing those qualities again in this lesson,
I want to tell you that if you ask me what are 40 likable qualities, I would say that if you look at
the opposite of these 40 dislikable qualities, automatically they become the likable qualities.
So instead of discussing these ones once again, I just want to discuss or make you identify
likeable traits and tell you.

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How we can have this likeable traits, by moving the extreme dislikeable qualities to the other
extreme, where you can convert them into likeable ones and if you are able to change dislikeable
qualities into likeable ones, people will like us naturally, automatically, people will gravitate
towards us because of the maximum number of likeable qualities if you are able to possess. Now
the topmost one, instead of being egoistic, egocentric or showing egotistic tendency, you should
be selfless, compassionate, kind and considerate.
Now, what do I mean by this? So, instead of being selfish all the time, try to be selfless, okay, try
to think about others, show feeling for others, not only for yourself, be kind, so, even if you think
that somebody doesn’t deserve, giving something, be kind and considerate. Showing empathy,
that is, feeling what others are feeling and then sharing your emotion with them, thinking about
others. So, all these will come under this category of being selfless, compassionate, kind and
considerate and the most important of all is, showing sensitivity to other’s feelings, sympathizing
with them in case they need your sympathy.
So, showing sensitivity amounts to being very sensitive to especially very fine emotional
qualities, this needs lot of refinement in you. So, you need to all the time put yourself into the
shoes of others and think, how somebody would feel if you talk this way, okay, so how
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somebody would feel if you treat them this way. Now to identify that, you need to first ask
yourself, if I am treated this way, will I like it, so if you say no, then, don’t treat the other person
in that way, so that is empathy about. Don’t do what you don’t like others to do to you and it is
like, give respect, get respect and respect is not something that you can demand from people, you
cannot command from people.
So, it has to be given to them voluntarily, by looking at your inner quality, such as, this
sensitivity. So, develop this quality and this one quality alone can make people come to you and
let us look at other negative qualities which needs to be turned into positive. Being assertive, but
not aggressive or arrogant, this means, instead of the aggressive, arrogant people who don’t treat
others equally, who treat others as their subordinates, inferiors, give respect to others’ right and
aim for a win-win situation in all arguments or all give and take transactions instead of a win-
lose kind of situation. So, be assertive, like you get what you want but not at the cost of others.
Live and let live and let live others very happily even happier than you, so that kind of attitude
will come if you are selfless, then assertive, not aggressive or arrogant.
The next important trait is, instead of being negative, pessimistic, cynical, being optimistic and
encouraging is a very important quality that people generally like in others. If you look at in your
life also you will always find that you always look for that one person who never seems to be
unhappy, never seems to be worried, always cheerful and always encouraging and supporting
others and always optimistic. In fact, you feel like meeting this person frequently, whenever you
feel let down, whenever you feel little bit depressed, you want to talk to the person and then feel
encouraged, now you be that kind of person, try to develop optimism all the time and be
encouraging. What should you do? You should look for something positive in everything and
there is always something positive in everything, everything that has been happening around us,
there is always some good thing.
Now, identify that good thing to become an optimist and whenever somebody is going to do
something encourage, instead of being critical or cynical or saying negative things, just
encourage the person, even you may not know the result, but just in encouraging you may be
able to make the person achieve the goal, you may be doubtful, but then, don’t show that outside,
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maybe the person may work harder and win just because you encourage the person and be
constructive. So, being constructive is like giving only good thoughts, sharing only ideas which
will make the other person productive, not destructive, so that is being constructive.
The next quality is, identifying the good in others, which is similar to being optimistic, but
specifically it implies that instead of being critical of others, instead of always finding fault with
others, instead of always saying bad things about others, finding some good quality in others,
that is important and always making that as a habit, always finding something good in others.
Now, you may say that, Oh! human beings they are full of flaws and then they are full of
detestable qualities, they have lot of limitations, yes of course, but you need to ignore some of
this flaws, because that is why we are human beings and all human beings have some good
things and try to identify those good things. In certain cases, like elders for example, Gandhiji
was known for being blind to the fault of elders, so he never criticized elders even if they were
wrong, instead of thinking that you will have one of with them and then, whether they are elders
or young people all should be behaving correctly. So, this was one quality that Gandhiji had, but
being good and then identifying the good in others, actually it implies that not only to elders, but
to all human beings. If you are able to see only the good things and if you are able to just
completely ignore the negative things, so that is something that will improve our own integrity
and make people like us.
The next one, associated with this is, not just identifying goodness but also praising,
appreciating, instead of never appreciating others. Keep finding chances to give genuine
appreciation, look for good qualities in others. So that you can just appreciate those good
qualities, even a small thing, you think that it’s done well, just appreciate the other person. There
are people, who host parties to celebrate others’ success and achievements; you be one of those
kinds of people. Celebrate other’s success, okay, celebrate other’s achievements.
The next important thing is, giving due credit to others, especially if they have done something
good and if you are at a very higher position in which you are able to take full credit, because
those people are your subordinates and then, are they inferior or they are afraid of you or they are
in a vulnerable situation, so do not exploit that situation and take full credit. So, give credit to
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others, whenever they deserve it okay and whenever it is a team work you try to give full credit
to others. Look at the famous quotes from Shrimati Indra Gandhi, so, she says that there are two
kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Those who do the work
and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group, that is people who do the work, there
is less competition for taking credit, there is always high level of competition, everybody wants
to take the credit but, very few people actually want to do the work and not take the credit. So,
join this group, so it will make you immensely likeable.
Now the next important trait is, instead of being a worrier all the time, you become a person who
is reassuring.
You stop worrying and then you develop lot of enthusiasm in you and you start reassuring,
giving reassurance to others. Help someone to restore confidence and relieve anxiety, meet these
people who are having lot of anxiety, so relieve the anxiety by talking to them, by encouraging
them, by making them realize that they are fearing something which is totally impractical. Most
of the time if you talk to people with concern and if you, if people come to know that you are
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helpful, so automatically they will restore confidence and they will relieve anxiety to know that
they can talk to someone and they can share their burden with someone.
The next quality, whenever you remind someone, be very gentle in reminding someone, instead
of nagging and repeatedly suggesting again and again and finding fault for forgetting something
and then remaining again and again. You should be mild and suggestive and instead of saying
again and again, just politely give a hint, especially if somebody is likely to forget something, be
helpful and supportive, especially in making the person remember at the right time. Suppose, let
us say, the husband forgets buying one particular item from the market every day he comes, it is
not nice for the wife to just wait till the husband comes and then shout at him instead, if only she
can send a message that remember to buy this, once you are out of the office. So, if the husband
sees that in the right time, so you will be able to remember it and get it done. Nobody does forget
or annoy others intentionally, so most of the times it is inadvertent and unintentional, so you
have to keep that in mind.
And generally, when you talk to others; be polite, because being polite is immensely likeable
quality, instead of being rude and impolite. If you ever think of people whom you disliked and
then left them and you are not in touch with them, you will find that quite a good number of
people you left because they were rude or impolite with you. Whereas, if you are polite, it shows
that you are showing regard for others in manners, speech, behavior, etc., especially by speaking
in a polite and considerable manner, overall it amounts to being courteous, using words such as
please, thank you, sorry, frequently okay, so these are words which act as lubricant, the
courteous words and whenever you mix in your language instead of using this curse words, if
you use this automatically your mannerism, behavior everything will become polite, and
politeness is something people can rely on, they can relax with a person who is polite not with
somebody who is rude it will always keep the other person on stress.
The next important quality for making others like you is, being trustworthy, instead of being
undependable. Being trustworthy, that is whatever happens, this person I can trust with hundred
percent information, I can trust that this person will deliver goods in time, a reliability and totally
dependable. So, trustworthy is like making yourself dependable, so that people can believe you,
trust you and becoming highly responsible. They know that, even sometimes you are not able to
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do something, but you will take full responsibility for that, so that trustworthiness is a very key
trait in terms of making yourself likeable for others. The next important quality is, being genuine,
that is being real, that is not difficult, but because of the social pressures we keep lot of faces,
different dimension of ourselves okay, and then we don’t know what role we are playing is real
and what role is deceptive and where we are becoming fraudulent or sooner or later are we
becoming completely fraudulent.
In terms of being genuine, honesty is a very important trait. Honesty may not be liked by some
people initially, because they may feel threatened; you are too honest, you’re speaking the truth
all the time, it is very difficult initially. But it pays in the long run, the long run people will know
that, if you are a very honest person they know that, you will never tell a lie. You are always
honest, so being straightforward, telling something directly, politely, instead of saying in a
roundabout manner or instead of saying things on the back of a person, doing backbiting. These
are things people don’t like, but being straightforward, open, not concealing one’s real thoughts
will make a person genuine.
You might have come across those people who are always with you, but you never know what
they are feeling about you, whether they are feeling good or bad about you, so these people are
dangerous, but whereas somebody who makes his or heart open to you, you know what the other
person is feeling, so that will help you to correct your behavior even if you make some mistake.
But, if you, if you are good you can see from the other person that the other person is liking your
company. So, it is important to be genuine and not fraudulent, not a fake person.
Now, the next important trait, by which I will tell a small anecdote from Socrates and then
conclude this lecture is, speaking good about others, instead of gossiping. Now, what do you do
in gossiping? In gossiping, you gather and spread only bad information, usually personal
information about others. Now, speaking good about others is, as I was telling at the beginning,
there is something or other good in the other person. Identify the good traits, everybody even a
thief, even a murderer, even a criminal has something good okay and identify those good
qualities, see only the goodness in others. So, that will make you actually, really a likeable
person and not only collecting this information about goodness in others, now gather that and
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spread that to others. Now, you will always find, then a very good circle following you and all
the people know that they can trust you, because you will say everything that you like or don’t
like openly, but at the same time they are more trusting you not because of your own
trustworthy quality, but also your this nature of not seeing anything bad about them behind their
back. If at all, you say something you say only good things about these people. And once they
know this, so, then they feel very obliged to maintain good relationship with you. In case, you
may ask somebody comes and keep saying bad things about others, how do you deal with these
people who gossip all the time? All the time they come and tell. First thing you should remember
that they have no intention, in the sense, good intention of sharing that false information to you,
because they want you to believe in that and they want you to say something negative about the
other person which they are going to gather from you and share it with the other person. On the
whole, they are not interested in anybody’s happiness, they would like to use divide and rule
policy and keep only their position safe and secure. Everybody else will feel insecure, so
otherwise this person will go and then backbite, gossip about others and make those people feel
insecure. Now how do you deal with these people? Whenever, they say something bad about the
other person, you have a good thing to tell, you say no, no, I don’t think this person is like that, I
have seen this person always as a very honest person. Now again, the gossiper says something,
you say, no but what about this good quality, so this equals many of these bad qualities it is out
paying all these bad qualities. So, I would go by the good qualities, now if you are able to do
that, very soon the gossiper will either change or will stop coming to you and wasting your time.
But, in the meanwhile how do you know that the person is just coming for gossiping and wasting
your time so that is where you use Socrates’s Three Filters Test. Let us look at what is that Three
Filters Test.
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Socrates, the great Greek philosopher, was once stopped by an acquaintance as he passed
through the market. He said, I’ve something important to tell you, “It’s about your friend.”
“That’s very kind of you,” Socrates said. “But, don’t tell me just yet. Okay, don’t tell me
immediately, you are really kind but don’t tell now. I run all information through the Three
Filters Test to ascertain if I want to know it.” So, before you tell anything about my good friend,
I want to know whether I really need it and you should pass through these Three Filters.
So, the man looked somewhat puzzled as Socrates continued, he said, “First is the filter of truth.
Whatever you want to tell me, have you seen or witnessed it first-hand?” So, truth usually the
gossiper says that somebody told me like that. So, he asked have you witnessed it on the first
hand “Umm…I actually heard it from someone,” the man said, and it is from a trusted source.”
“Alright that does not pass my first test,” Socrates added, “since you don’t know whether it’s
true.” so if you don’t know whether it is true, my first test it has failed.
“Second is the filter of goodness. Is that a good statement you want to make about my friend?”
“Not really. That’s the reason I wanted—” Socrates interjected, “So you want to tell me
something bad about someone but don’t know if it’s true.” then I don’t want to hear this thing
but before that the third and “The last is the filter of utility,” so first one is truth, second one is
good, third one is utility. He continued, “Your statement about my friend, is that goanna be
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useful to me?” Not really as such. I just wanted to share” “Well, if the information is not
necessarily true, it is not good, and, it is of no use,”
Socrates concluded, “please I don’t want to know about it.” Now, this is the Three Filters Test
you should use with any gossipers, anybody is coming and rushing and telling you bad things
about, even your close people, just tell them whether it is true, ask them whether it is a good or
bad one. Bad one, don’t hear, any way you it will come to you some form or other but don’t hear
on your own and the third one is whether it is useful and if it is not going to be useful in any way
so there is no need to listen to that and you can easily understand that the person who has come
to you is not a genuine one.
Okay, so use this Three Filters Test to filter you, from gossipers, particularly the bad kind of
gossiping that is happening in terms of character assassination and you believe that and then you
lose your peace of mind for some time it is not worth it. Now, with this last thought, on using
Three Filters, with regard to gossiping and saying only good things about others, I will conclude
the lecture and I just want you to look at one interesting quote in terms of likeability, before I
conclude.
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Basically, likeability comes down to creating positive emotional experiences in others, . . . so
what does it mean? It amounts to creating positive emotional experiences in others, when you
make others feel good, they tend to gravitate to you. So, one simple formula is, do something to
make others feel good, that in fact is my last thought also. But then quoting from Tim Sanders, I
just thought that, I will conclude with that note, try to do something good to make people feel
good and see how they respond to you. So, you can do this informally, you can do this in
informal situations, you can even ensure, ask people whether you are really able to make them
feel good, are all they feeling bad after talking to you. So, in that case you need to change your
approach, change you, your behavior.
Now, some quick, two important books, if you want to change yourself from worrying to become
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a very optimistic person; so, try to read these two books from Dale Carnegie. One, How to Win
Friends and Influence People. And the other one is, How to Enjoy Your Life and Your Job.
Again, these are must read books for your collection. Even, if you are not able to read them now,
keep them and read them whenever you get time, but, the earlier, the better, because it’s your
personality that will change. Then the earlier you taste success, the earlier you become happy,
the better. Thank you so much for watching this video, I will come back in the next lesson,
continuing with more thoughts on how to make people like you, so try to practice these qualities
and wish you all the best! Have a nice day, thanks again!
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Course Title
Lecture - 18
People Skills-3: What Makes Others Like You? - 2
by…
Hi! Welcome back to the NPTEL MOCC course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. I am
Ravichandran giving this course from IIT Kanpur, Department of Humanities and Social
Sciences for you. This is the fourth week and, we are on the third unit of fourth week.
I started talking about People Skills in general and this is the third concept, that we have been
talking about, in which, this is the second lesson, in relation to What Makes Others Like You? So
I started with What Makes Others Dislike You and then continued with the first lesson on What
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Makes Others Like You and this the second lesson on What Makes Others Like You? however
as a total, this is lesson number 18, highlights of the last lesson.
In the last lesson, we focused on People Skills, specifically, the traits that make people like you.
We talked about that people are like magnets and then what good traits you have will
automatically attract good people towards you and it is important to possess these traits and then
when you have dislikeable traits in you, automatically it will repel people from you, and in that
context, we identified the most important qualities that make others like you such as— Being
Selfless, Compassionate, Kind and Considerate instead of being insensitive and careless and
totally unconcerned about others. Showing Empathy here, will make you a very likeable person
combined with Being Assertive, Being Optimistic and Encouraging.
Identifying the Good in Others, instead of all the time looking at something bad in others.
Identifying the Good in Others is also making you immensely likeable. Appreciating Others,
instead of finding fault with us and criticizing others, Nitpicking Others, Giving Due Credit to
the Work Done by Others, instead of taking credit for others work, Stealing the Credit from
Others. So, if you give credit, then you will become again greatly popular, Reassuring instead of
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creating tension and then insecurity, Gentle in Reminding instead of Being Nagging, Being
Polite instead of Being Rude, Being Trustworthy and Dependable instead of Being
Untrustworthy and Unreliable, Being Genuine instead of Being a Fake Person, saying good
things about others instead of Gossiping and Backbiting and saying bad things behind others.
And, especially in this context, I ended up with a very interesting story that if somebody will
come and gossip about your friend, we can put this famous Socrates’s Three Filters Test in
which you first check for truth and then if there is no truth, then you ask for any goodness in
what is being shared and if there is no goodness you finally asked whether it will be useful and if
it is not passing these three tests, there is no point in receiving that information. It is absolutely
going to harm your relationship, your perception about the person and when it is totally
unwarranted do not receive such information. So, use that triple test in terms of identifying
people who are coming and maligning others and people who you should actually filter in terms
of using this test and then avoid people creating a negative bias against somebody, okay. Having
said this, let us look at some more qualities and these are qualities if you remember I am just
telling you if you reverse those qualities people dislike in you.
You will be able to attract them towards you and these are qualities which we discussed in the
first lesson as about why people dislike you and now, I am trying to reverse the traits and make
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those traits which are likeable for other peoples in you. Now, the next important trait that we to
start with this, keeping promises; you should always keep your promises; and you should not
give any false promise which you think that you will not be able to keep it because, people
always like those who fulfill the promises which we are giving to others.
Now, once a promise is given also you should ensure that it is kept at any cost. The next trait that
people liked in others is that, being frank and open, instead of being manipulative and cheating
and instead of trying to use people for personal benefits, people generally like the ones who are
frank and open because, it is like giving lot of assurance and secured and safe feeling so, people
generally feel safe in the company of those who are frank and open.
The next quality is, using Sweet words instead of Abusive Language or Cursing. Now, using
Sweet words actually attracts people because, people feel that you will never use something that
will make them feel unpleasant in your company and same thing goes with avoiding shouting,
and trying to talk in a low tone. Now talking in a low tone and being soft spoken is another trait
that will make people comfortable in your company and they will actually make them open up to
you, okay, normally they feel spontaneously opening up to people who are generally not loud,
not very high in rising their tone or generally soft in nature.
The next important trait in making one likeable is, maintaining direct eye contact. Now, in open
communication, in communication between friends, in communication between two reliable
parties, both parties maintain direct eye contact, so the opposite is also known to others that if
there is some kind of deceit or frankness is not involved then what happens these two parties one
of them may try to avoid or do not maintain eye contact, so it is important to maintain direct eye
contact if you want people to like you.
So, people will find you genuine, people will find you original and people will start liking you
the moment you maintain direct eye contact. Look at some more likeable traits, Being Strong and
Showing Strength of Character. Now, people don’t like who are very weak and who indulge in
self-pity but if you are strong, you will gravitate people towards you, combined with showing
strength of character, okay. And, in terms of time management, already I told you Being
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Punctual is a very likeable trait, why? Because, when you are punctual, you try to show to others
that you have respect for others time and automatically you gain likeability. The next important
trait, especially in communication, human communication is Being Attentive.
So, paying attention to what is being said and being present fully with complete focus, giving
your full time, being all eyes, all ears when somebody is talking to you, your body language as
well as your mindset everything is inclined to receiving the persons information, being fully
receptive and attentive so that is a very likeable trait. There are very busy people and when they
give you half an hour time, they switch off their mobile, they don’t let anybody disturb and they
are completely with you.
Now, these are people whom you will like naturally, automatically and you would like to
maintain relationship with these people who are attentive, because you feel important and look at
the others who don’t pay attention. You automatically feel unimportant and then you
automatically feel that you should not maintain relationship with that person.
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The next important trait is, Giving Equal Importance to All despite differences in race, colour,
caste, religion, language, nationality etc. If you give equal importance to all in your relationship,
so, people will automatically like you and the next likeable traits is Being Balanced and Open-
minded instead of being closed-minded and prejudiced. Now, Being Balanced and Open-minded
what does it mean? Now, being balanced is never losing your coolness, never getting provoked
easily, so people can provoke you and exploit you also. Being balanced also means like, never
getting carried away by some wrong inputs about somebody or some incidents.
An open-minded is allowing people to talk to you freely, instead of being closed-minded and
prejudiced or being judgmental. The next likeable trait one should emulate is Being Humble.
Now, Being Humble does not mean feeling low or inferior. Being Humble means just being
simple and make, just understanding that I am important but there are equally better human
beings and then more important people in the world and then I should consider them equally
good, better in their work, so, I should not feel superior, I should not have an inflated ego, so
showing humbleness amongst to that.
Now, what will happen when you are humble? It will make others feel better and when you
never act superior and when you are humble others feel comfortable, they feel warm, they feel
like being with you all the time. The next important likeable trait is Standing by One’s Principles
and Values: People may acquaint with someone who does not have any principle or doesn’t have
any values at all. But, in the long run, the people who are liked are the ones who have some
principles and who stand by those principles and values.
So, it is important to identify principles which will give credibility and values which you think
are relevant for your job and your relationships and then stand by those principles and values,
this will make you gain respect and likeability. Being Humorous, that is having an ability for
good sense of humour, as well as for humour and not being serious all the time will make one
generally light and attracted, so try to be humorous, but that doesn’t mean that, if you like cannot
be humorous spontaneously, naturally, at least you can try to look cheerful and then at least you
can try to laugh when there is genuine joke, so that will make you create a kind of impression
that you have a light-hearted personality also, instead of looking serious all the time.
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The next important likeable trait is Being Bold and Decisive. Now Being Bold and Decisive, so
this means, making quick decisions and making bold decisions and never taking back a decision
made. So, this is not easy and compared to people who are indecisive and then who take lot of
time to decide, who are generally not liked, so these people are all light, because, they are very
bold, and they are very quick and taking decision and they will not take back their decision.
And, the next likeable trait, is Being Quick to Respond. Now, imagine a situation where you had
applied for something, where you had emailed for something, where you have asked them for
something and you never get any response for a long time, how do you feel? And look at another
situation, where a person you wrote and immediately responds to what you asked for, now that
immediate and quick response indicates that one person who is doing that is giving due
importance to others and value others time and others as important in relationships.
So, be quick to respond if you want to be liked instead of being lazy, slow in responding. The
next one that is very important in making yourself likeable is Showing Enthusiasm. Showing
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interest in anything that happens around, instead of showing apathy, lack of interest instead of
saying, I don’t like it. So, you can say that I will just try it, okay, so be enthusiastic, be sportive.
The next likeable trait is Being Patient and Unbiased. Now, without being judgmental and
running into conclusions very quickly, if you show patience in judging somebody and if you do
not show bias and people know that you are not a bias person and you will not run into
conclusions, so people will value maintaining relationship with you and they will look forward
towards maintaining relationship with you. The next likeable trait is Being Steady as against
being temperamental. So, this means remaining constant, so people should know oh! this person
will not get angry suddenly or I say something, and this person doesn’t feel hurt immediately, so
that is being steady.
And the next related quality is, Being Tolerant. Now, instead of getting angry very quickly,
instead of getting provoked very quickly, being tolerant is giving somebody a very long rope,
giving somebody a long chance before showing your anger, before showing your harsh response
okay, and generally being agreeable, being amenable, okay, so they know that you will not
become totally unapproachable, but, you will bear with people, even if they are putting some
inconvenience, so that tolerance is another quality that will be light. Now some more quick look
at likeable traits.
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Being Reasonable and logical instead of being irrational especially in showing anger or
irrationally being moody, these are things that will upset people, that will put them off in terms
of relationship. And, the next most important likeable trait is inn Relationship especially, if you
let others free instead of trying to control the lives of others and forcing people to accept your
own decisions, if you can let them free, people will actually come back to you as Richard Bach
says, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t they
never were.” So, only test for relationship he says is don’t control them, leave them free whether
it is children, whether it is partners, whether it is friends, even apparent enemies, just leave them
free. But, if they come back to you, so it means that they are with you, if they don’t, it means
they never were with you. So, this giving freedom is a very good indicator and it is a very good
trait to emulate.
The next one is, related to Personal hygiene and Caring for that, which means keeping oneself
neat and clean, dressing neatly. So, like I said in the previous one, not letting certain things show
up on your face such as, the outgrown hair from nose or from ears or running nose which is not
wiped or picking nose in public or not wiping your mouth properly and some foot sticking inside
the teeth and which is very visible before others. So, these are general caring for personal
hygiene, which has to be maintained.
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And similar to this is, Possessing Pleasant Social Etiquette such as eating food quietly, not
making noise, not wasting food, not being pompous in terms of ordering for food, showing or
showing off once lavishness in terms of ones ability to order for huge amount of food and just
wasting it and then having good and cultured table manners, etc., all will amount to making you
a pleasant and socially acceptable person.
The next important likeable trait is, Respecting the Private Space of Others. There is an idiom
which means, maintain arm’s distance; this simply means that, keep others independent, do not
interfere and give them enough space, especially do not get literally so close so that they feel
intimidated. So, give them space where they are comfortable and in that with that comfortable
level, maintaining that arms distance, you will be able to strike a balance, you will be able to
gain trust and when you gain trust and strike a balance in relationship, have faith, people will
start liking you automatically.
And in this lesson, I just want to conclude with a final thought, that leaving others with a good
feeling, whatever you do, whether in your pleasant body language or the sweet language that you
use or in your empathy or the concern that you show or being sensitive, whatever you do as a
whole package, as a human being if you are able to leave the other person with a good and
positive feeling the other person will immensely like you, now how you do this I have given lots
of suggestions. But you need to emulate this traits and internalize and make them within you, so
that even your presence itself is energizing the other people and make them feel good,
comfortable and when you leave, they don’t have any negative feeling, they have a very good
and positive and optimistic feeling and before you met them, they were moody, they were
gloomy, they were unhappy. Having met you, so they get that enthusiasm and they feel happy
that they met you, even for few moments you give them that good feeling. Now, let us look at a
very relevant quote in terms of this, from the famous Ralph Waldo Emerson.
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And he says that, don’t only leave people with good feeling, but leave the entire world as a better
place. So look at the quote from him, he says, “To leave the world a bit better, whether by a
healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has
breathed easier because you have lived— that is to have succeeded.” So what is success for a
human being he says that, you leave the world as a better place by your contribution, either by
giving a good child or by changing the social condition or even by leaving a good garden, so do
something so that others feel that you made the life of somebody else better, just by the fact that
you lived on this planet and that he says is amounting to success nothing else. With this thought,
I leave you for this lesson and as usual for this unit I want you to at least read these two books by
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Dale Carnegie: How to Win Friends and Influence People and How to Enjoy Your Life and Your
Job. We will meet in the next lesson until then, I wish you good luck and wish you to have a
very nice day, I hope I am leaving you with a very good and positive thought, thank you for
watching this video.
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Course Title
Lecture - 19
People Skills – 4 Being Attractive - 1
by…
Prof. T. Ravi Chandran
Hello hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. I am
Ravichandran giving you this course, on the NPTEL MOOC platform from IIT Kanpur,
Department of Humanities and Social Sciences. This is the fourth week and we are on the fourth
unit and this is the fourth lesson that we are going to talk about People Skills and this time I am
going to introduce Being Attractive as the title of this lesson. Now, you might be wondering like
having I not discussed enough about being attractive when I discussed about likeability. The
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answer is yes and no, and if you ask like won’t we become attractive, automatically if you follow
all the types of being likeable, again the answer is yes or no. Yes, you may become attractive, but
no because there are certain scuttle qualities that you still need to develop to become attractive,
to develop that charisma to develop the charm. That actually goes beyond what I discussed in
terms of likeability as specific traits.
Now, in this lesson, as well as in the next one, let us look at those aspects that will generally
make a human being attractive and before I start, let me give you a quick highlight of what we
did in the last lesson.
In the last one, as you shall be focused on the People Skills for this particular week and
specifically, the traits that make people like you and I identified most important qualities that
make others like you such as— Keeping Promises, Being Frank and Open, Using Sweet Words
instead of using abusive words, Talking in Low Tone, instead of shouting or speaking in a high
tone, Maintaining Direct Eye Contact instead of flickering, instead of wavering eye contact and
then, Being Strong and Showing Strength of Character, Being Punctual instead of going late,
Being Attentive, giving your full focus to the other person who is sitting in front of you, Giving
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Equal Importance to All, instead of showing discrimination to people in terms of race, religion or
looks, etc. Being Balanced and Open-Minded, being open to receive ideas not being rigid
minded, Being Humble, instead of showing proud and pompous nature, Standing by One’s
Principles and Values is something that people like, Being Humorous, occasionally showing a
light-hearted side in you so that also makes people like you. Being Bold, and this issue, that is
your ability to make firm decisions, quick decisions and also be bold in following the decision,
being quick to respond if you have to respond to someone either as a superior or even at the same
level if you have to give response to an email or written back a call. If you give a quick response
people generally like you. Showing Enthusiasm, in terms of talking to people, in terms of
relating you with others, Being Patient and Unbiased, Being Steady, instead of being fickle
minded, temperamentally changing like a chameleon, Being Tolerant that is instead of getting
irritated or annoyed so quickly, giving a long rope to people who annoy you rather. Being
Reasonable, instead of being illogical, letting others free instead of trying to control and cage
them in the name of love, in the name of affection. So, instead of controlling you should set them
free and if they really belong to you, they will come back to you. Apart from that, I also
discussed about caring for Personal Hygiene, Possessing Pleasant Social Etiquette and
Respecting the Private Space of Others and last but not the least I said that, when you are in
contact with someone you should always leave the other person with a Good Feeling and it is the
Good Feeling that will make people to come back to you to relate to you again and again.
Now, let us come to the core issue of this lesson, today’s lesson as How to Attract Others? Now
while normally people think that having good looks, looking handsome looking beautiful or
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being humorous, that is cracking a joke and making people laugh or dressing up nicely, looking
cultured makes one attractive, overall in a sense, this aspects make one attractive, but the real
attraction happens at a deeper, subtle level. That is why: why is it so that people who look so
attractive are disliked by many people? why is it there is somebody is who is so beautiful, but
people detest this person? So, you will be surprised to know that it is not this cosmetic level of
attraction but there is something that goes deeper and we need to know what is it operating at the
deeper level. In this lesson, let us look at the concealed issues, the hidden issues related to being
attractive in terms of physical, mental, and emotional levels. In the next lesson, I will focus only
on the spiritual levels the level at which people relate to you and find you attractive at a spiritual
level.
Now before we start, let us look at a simple dictionary definition of what “Attractive” means?
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So, “Attractive” is an adjective and it tries to define somebody who is looking attractive and if
you look at the online source, Word Web Dictionary it gives three meanings and we can use them
to describe people at three different levels. The first meaning: Pleasing to the eye or mind
especially through beauty or charm. So that is the physical attractive level and it says examples
like, “a remarkably attractive young man”; “an attractive personality”; “attractive clothes”; “a
book with attractive illustrations.”
Now, the second one, something that should concern us implies that: Having power to arouse
interest: such as “an attractive opportunity”; “the job is attractive because of the pay” so the
power, so what gives you that power. And the third one, the way generally it is used in Physics.
Having the properties of a magnet; the ability to draw or pull “an attractive force”. Now, the way
I want you to understand attractiveness, is a three-fold way of looking at what is attractive, that is
considering giving contingency to the physical aspect first but going beyond that and then
understanding attractiveness as a kind of power and at the same time as a kind of ability to draw
or pull.
Now, if you are able to understand that, then you will know that what is it that is going to make
people pulled towards you, what is it that will give you the power to arouse interest in you? So,
let us look at them as I said, in terms of physical aspect first, so let’s identify the attractable traits
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focusing on the physical first. Now, normally many people think that face is what others look
first.
But contrary to this belief, you should focus on the foot why? why should you focus on the foot
because, psychologists agree with the fact that people look at the foot of others first! So, it is
important to wear clean, neat, polished footwear or shoes and then it should also be appropriate,
appropriate in the sense that, when you are dressed for a formal occasion, let us say you are
wearing full suit, so you should go with shoes, it should not be the slippers that you will be
wearing in bath rooms or at home and very unclean and looking tidy.
So, people first look at that and form their impression. So, the shoes are the footwear whatever
you wear, the slippers if they are attractive somehow psychologically it is creating an impression
that you are attractive. This very strange, very surprising, but then people say that this is one first
impression that people form, although it looks a little bit funny, but it seems to be true. So, focus
on the foot, before you start focusing on your face and then while you focus on the face, you
should remember that it’s not the face that is actually giving you the attractiveness, it’s the entire
body.
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So, you have to keep the body in shape. Let us say a walk, if it is majestic, if it is confident, if it
is graceful, so all the time people look at this and then even by the way you walk, if you walk in
a graceful manner, so, it automatically arouses interests, compared to somebody walking in a
slouching manner, looking down with depressive thoughts, feeling shy to look at people, walking
in a kind of withdrawn fashion.
Now, this will actually not attract the people. Similarly, in terms of keeping the body in shape,
you have to keep a fit structure and healthy physique, because, it is health that will attract the
people and it will give charm to the face also. Now, all of these can be maintained well by
regular exercise. So, only by making regular exercise and then either it can be like whatever you
do for about 45minutes and then that can be a normal walking or jogging or cycling or
swimming and then occasional gym activities or playing some rigorous sports in the weekend.
So that will keep you fit. So, keep the body in shape, so that is the physical level you can make
yourself attractive. And the next two important points are, you should eat well, and you should
sleep well. Now, why it is important that you should eat well, because, if you keep yourself
nourished with rich food, that food itself will keep your skin glow and make your face look
afresh. (Refer Slide Time: 11:21)
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So, when you eat lot of fruits and vegetables and then if you can drink fresh juice, now all will
give glow to the skin and it will give a natural attractive glow to your face as well as to your
entire physic and you should avoid junk food that will make your face oily and look dull. So, this
is a simple one so you should eat well, and you should eat properly in the sense that you should
not skip your morning breakfast and then you should eat your lunch moderately and you should
try to eat your dinner by the time the sun sets.
So, let us say around 6 - 6.30 if you are able to finish it, and then start your breakfast early so
nothing like that, if you can maintain that kind of balance in your eating habit and so with
sleeping, there is a great truth in the proverb: “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man
healthy, wealthy and wise.” Now, nowadays going to lot of interferences from media, watching
TV late night, going for late-night movies or just working on office late night or just catching up
with friends on social network, WhatsApp or Face Book till three o’clock, four o’clock and then
people just forget that they have to sleep.
So, whether you sleep early or late, what is important is that, you should sleep sufficiently well,
that is, seven to nine hours, depending on your body. Some people who are keeping themselves
fit who do yoga regularly, who are doing exercise regularly, they are even used to just six hours,
but intense sleep and they are able to manage. But those who have disturbed the sleep they say
that at least seven, eight or nine hours depending on your body condition.
Now, the next important thing is, resting between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. in the morning that is three
o’clock as they normally say is the devil’s time, is the time that you should be completely at rest,
the mind should be completely at rest and that is a must and only by sleeping and letting the
body replenish, you can look fresh, bright and attractive. So, sleep is the hidden aspect as far as
the physical aspect of making you attractive is concerned, if you sleep well, you will look well
you will look good.
So, keep that in mind, eat well, sleep well and then, other important aspects with regard to
physical traits, that will make you attractive. If you look at all great personalities, they will be
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creating a kind of signature personality and you should live your signature personality. What do I
mean by this? Create the signature you by identifying unique characteristic traits that will
represent you. This means, identify something that will typify you, your looks, the thing that you
wear, the dress that you wear, the shoes that you wear, whatever it may be. So, that should be
immediately recalling to other’s mind, your face, your figure. Now, look at some good examples
the moment I say Mahatma Gandhi, so you will remember his round spectacles and walking
stick. The moment if I say Jawaharlal Nehru, immediately Nehru’s Jacket, so now the term itself
has become a kind of name for the kind of jacket that he was wearing, the rose that he was fond
of and the love that he had for children, so that we even have his birthday commemorated as
Children’s Day. So, these are things immediately you will identify with Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru.
Now, look at another famous comic personality like Charlie Chaplin, so immediately you will
remember that short moustache so, which also was popularized by Hitler and then the Tramp suit
and coat, his cap and stick, so immediately you will know that oh! this is Charlie Chaplin even if
people will put the moustache the cap and the stick, so you will understand that ok, you are
trying to represent him.
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So, identify this unique characteristic which will make you develop that Signature Personality
and then try to highlight that in you, so live that Signature Personality that is something that will
make people attracted towards you because they know that you have identified what is unique in
you.
The next one, it is a test for you. Learn to attract children! Now, do whatever possible to attract
children. The tip here is, you have to be genuinely concerned and focused to attract children.
Children easily detect fake people and avoid them. So it is not that easy to attract children, unless
you are good-hearted, unless you are open, unless you are genuinely giving them the warmth
they want, unless you pay them sufficient attention, they will not be attracted towards you ok.
So, a test in developing your skills to make you attractive is to make you likeable by the children
around you, so and then if you start generally liking children it’s a way to develop your
candidness, openness and your own genuine nature.
Now, let us look at two important traits that one person needs to develop if one wants to become
attractive in terms of the mental level.
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Now, at the mental level, you should maintain an Intellectual Charm. What do I mean by this?
You should connect to people at an intellectual level, so you should have engaging ideas for
discussion, to do this you should be reading a lot, you should read good books, books which
provoke your philosophical thinking, books which try to provoke your fervor for literature, so
good thoughts, noble thoughts and then keep nurturing good thoughts from all the materials that
you’ve been reading and then be open to share and receive them.
Be receptive as mentioned in Rig Veda: “Let noble thoughts come to us from all sides.” Be open
to noble thoughts coming to you from all sides, collect them, accumulate them and then share
them also wherever it is required. So that will give you that intellectual charm. The next one, in
terms of mental level of attractiveness you need to develop is, Be Open, Yet, be a Mystery to
Others! this sounds contradictory, on the one hand try to remain open, that is frank, candid as it
was discussed as a likeable quality. But at the same time, do not open yourself too much, you
should also keep some kind of mysterious quality about you to yourself and to others. The
Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard says, quote from him, “One must be a mystery to oneself
and to others!” What does he mean by that? He says that, While you keep introspecting about
yourself, you try to understand your own assets and limitations and then you are trying to figure
out what you want in your life, but you keep working and keep others guessing about what
motivates you, what keeps you smiling all the time, what is your purpose of life, what makes you
go about chasing your goals in a very happy manner. Why are you helpful, why can’t you be
manipulative like others, etc., make people wonder about you?
You don’t have to explain things to them, so that is what is meant by that mystery is quality that
you can maintain, that will also make people attracted towards you. Now let us look at attractable
traits, in terms of the emotional level. At the emotional level, try to touch others’ heart.
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Instead of maintaining superficial connections, appeal to people’s emotions. Try to connect with
their innermost feelings. Be with them in their happy and sad moments and in your talk and
action, contribute to as many “feel-good factors” as possible. So, feel good factors, whether it
can be giving a small bouquet or complimenting or doing some thoughtful thing that makes
others feel good, so try to do this as many as possible.
So that it touches the heart of the other person and when you can touch the hearts of other people
so you automatically become attractive, this followed by your ability to use your memory to
maintain contacts so that will also make you attractive. So, you should use your memory, how?
First, Remember people’s names. So, whether it is Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and
Influence People or any psychologist, anybody who talks about influencing people or
maintaining good context, they will all tell you that you should remember people’s names. And
then, call them the way they want to be called so, somebody like let us say Gopala Krishna
Kumar, now you need to know whether he would like to be called as Gopal or Gops or Krishna
or Krish or just Kumar. So, you ask him how he would like to be called and then if he says call
me Krish, so you call this person Krish, every time you meet this person and the person is going
to like you immensely and that is how you develop your attractive quality.
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Because, psychologically again, people want to be called by their names and they like those who
remember their names and when you call them the way they want them to be called, you are
making you much more attractive and likeable and when you are introduced to someone for the
first time, especially in a party, a lot of noise and activities going on, you may not be able to
remember the person immediately.
So, do not hesitate to ask other people to repeat their name, if required you can note that in your
pocket note or a paper or you can note that in your contact list on your mobile and if you cannot
get the pronunciation of the name, you can ask the person to say how it should be pronounced
and you can repeat it and ask whether you are pronouncing it correctly, because people do not
like there it means to be mispronounced. So that also annoys them, irritates them, that will also
make you to be disliked by them.
So, unintentionally you should not be making this mistake and secondly how you can use your
memory. Remember them, to wish them on special occasions such as, birthdays, even sending a
small message or SMS or greeting card or WhatsApp or Facebook or if you are in the town and
if you have time, if you can meet them, and just give a small memento on their special occasions
like, wedding anniversaries, so again you become very attractive for them, so because they know
that you are valuing them in your life and they will start valuing you in their life.
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Now, when I talk about value, I should tell you that you should develop another important
attractable trait in terms of developing that at emotional level that is, you should learn to value
yourself to be valued by others. What does it mean? You should first know yourself worth,
understand that you are invaluable owing to your integrity, intelligence and charity. Charity is
your kindness, your ability to help others.
Now, you may not be a very big person ,you may not be a very rich person, you may not have a
very high background, you are not born with that silver spoon, doesn’t matter, but then, you do
not devalue because of these things, you may be much better than those people who are born
with that silver spoon and you may have developed your integrity, intelligence, skills and
kindness which other people who are coming from very rich background might not have
developed.
So, you need to value yourself and people know that when you value yourself you become
attractive, they will automatically find you attractive. The next point I want to make is, in terms
of attractable traits at emotional level, Love Yourself, Love Yourself to be Loved by Others!
Learn to love yourself in terms of both your assets the good qualities that you have as well as the
limitations, the negative qualities that you have. Try to love both in you and accept both of them
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and love is not being weak; love is not being weak and trying to lean on somebody expecting that
a strongperson to love you and change you.
So that is at a very infant level, immature level. Love is being strong enough to support another
strong person in vulnerable moments. If you really love someone, you first make yourself strong
and then give support to another person like you who is also strong enough but at the same time
even strong people become vulnerable, they become weak at occasions. It’s at that time, you
need to make the other person feel that you are in a team and then you are willing to help the
other person.
That’s how you can show that you’re loving yourself and you are loving the other person and
then in terms of emotional level, finally I would like to conclude by saying that learn to be
yourself, start liking you, loving you and just be you, do not imitate others. Emerson says: “Insist
on yourself; never try to imitate others and he says that imitation is suicide, when you try to live
like others you are killing what is original injure and at the same time do not seek to impress
others.
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Don’t try to behave in a manner that others will like you and do not indulge in attention seeking
behavior if others are not noticing you, you don’t have to do something funny or weird to make
those people pay attention towards you. However, people are drawn to those who are natural and
self-contained. If you do not indulge in attention seeking behavior or try to impress others,
people will find you attractive naturally.
And as it is said normally, look at a butterfly, when you chase a butterfly, you will not be able to
catch it. It will forever elude from you, but when you sit calmly in the garden amidst so many
butterflies one of them, two of them, three of them, when they look at you sitting very calmly,
gently, they may come and rest on your shoulder, okay. So that is life, when you chase for
people, they will always be elusive and they will be always eluding you. But when you are
focused on being yourself and when you are self-contained and when you realize that you alone
will be your best friend and you alone will survive, you can be independent.
But at the same time, being interdependent, you are able to make two people and more than two
happier. So in that sense, you try to create a bond so that is why you seek others, but not to
impress others, not to create this attention seeking behavior, which will actually make people
irritated about you, so do not do those things and just remember this butterfly analogy, be quite
and then the butterfly will come and sit on your shoulder in a very gentle manner. I leave you
with one interesting quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer about the law of attraction quote unquote, he
says, “The law of attraction is this: You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are.”
You don’t attract what you want.
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So, if you want a truthful person to be your partner, unless you are truthful you will not get one
that is the message of this quote. So, to attract what you want, so you have to make yourself
attractable in such a manner, that what you want will come automatically to you. So, that is about
the law of attraction. There are some interesting online articles which I have listed here, about
Ten Habits That Make You More Attractive, Top Ten Important Things that Money Can’t Buy,
Thirteen Habits of Exceptionally Likeable People.
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Now, you can take a quick look at them and as well as the previous books that I have mentioned.
So, this is just like if you want to know more about this but if you are able to start following this,
very soon you will develop this attractive personality. In the next lesson, I am going to talk about
the spiritual level, and I will come back with some interesting stories until then I say bye and
thank you so much for watching this video.
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Course Title
Lecture - 20
People Skills-5: Being Attractive-2
by…
Hello! my dear participants, I am very happy to welcome you all back to my course on
Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality particularly at this point because,
we are on the fourth week and this is the 5th-unit, that is the last unit of fourth week, which
means you have completed half of the course. So, congratulations to you and then happy
participation in the coming assignment also, but this means that you have been doing a great deal
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in terms of this course and just another half and then looking at your responses, we are able to
see that you are able to grasp the course and you are with the course, hope you are liking it and
hope you are able to gain personal benefit out of it. Now, this is People Skills-fifth unit and then
particularly this the second part of Being Attractive and overall this is lesson number 20, so let us
look at the highlights of what I did in the last lesson.
In the last lesson, we looked at the concealing issues related to being attractive in terms of
physical, mental and emotional levels and we identified most important attractive qualities such
as in terms of Physical level, Focusing on the Foot instead of focusing on the face, Keeping the
Body in Shape by doing regular exercise and then by maintaining proper diet and then in terms
of that Eating Well, which means eating rich food, not junk food and eating in proper time and
Sleeping Well in time and Sleeping Sufficiently.
In terms of seven to nine hours and not keeping yourself awake during the devil’s hour, that is
three o’clock midnight or early in the morning. Now, the next important aspect that I discussed
was to develop your unique signature trait and then leave that Signature Personality such as the
uniqueness that you will remember in terms of great personalities like Charlie Chaplin or
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Mahatma Gandhi or even Mother Teresa. So immediately you will remember her white color,
attire and then whatever comes to your mind like Jawaharlal Nehru, the jacket immediately, the
rose is love for children. So develop what is unique in you and try to make that manifested in
terms of developing your personality and that becomes the Signature Personality. So, develop
that and overall, I said that in terms of the physical level you should also learn to attract the
children, so if you are able to attract the children, which is not that easy unless you are a genuine
person you will not be able to do that.
At the Mental level, I focused on things like maintaining an intellectual charm by being able to
engage people, with lot of interesting ideas especially good thoughts, which you have collected
from books, various sources and which you are willing to share it with others and being open yet
staying a mystery to others keeping certain things bit mysterious so that people keep guessing
about your own real drive, why you are interested in doing certain things which normally other
peoples are shying away from and so on.
And the Emotional level, you need to touch other’s heart, so the connection has to be at the level
of heart and then I said that you should use your memory to remember names, birthdays and
anniversaries and then you should learn to value yourself so that you will be valued by others,
you should love yourself so that others will start loving you and overall I said just be yourself, so
do not imitate others, do not try to impress others, do not indulge in any attention seeking
behavior, people will be attracted to you if you learn to be self-contained, calm and composed.
And then, you are with yourself, if you are comfortable with yourself, you should know that
others will find you attractive and they will be comfortable with you also. Now, the most
interesting aspect about attracting others and having looked at the concealed issues related to
being attractive in terms of physical mental, emotional levels.
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In this lesson, we will focus on the spiritual level.
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Now, in terms of Identifying Attractable Traits at a Spiritual level, first I will say Practice
Mindfulness. What is meant by mindfulness? Being full of your mind at the moment where you
are present, this means you should be emotionally balanced, and you should learn to live in the
present moment. We should neither feel anxious about an unknown future, that future should not
intimidate you nor get bogged down with a depressive past. You should read the book by
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment.
Now this book, The Power of Now, tells you that only the present moment is important, and you
are desperate attempts to control past, thinking that you can control your life. The author says is
an illusion and when you try to control future anxieties, either trying to control past influences or
trying to control future anxieties will give only pain. Instead, what the author and the book tries
to teach you, is to learn how to relax in the NOW and live fully, mindful in the present. So, that
is the most important spiritual trait that if you are able to develop when you are able to shield
yourself, insulate yourself from the pressures of the past and the anxieties of the future and if you
are able to focus on the present moment to the task at hand. As they say when you sip a tea, you
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just focus on sipping the tea, do not keep the mind elsewhere, even when you drink the water
enjoy drinking the water, so that will make you healthy, charismatic, charming and very
attractive to others.
Now at the spiritual level, you should also make deeper connections, apart from touching
people’s art at the emotional level, try to connect to people at a deeper spiritual level. Now,
motivate them to operate at a high level of aspiration that causes self-awareness and leads to self-
actualization. Many people work at a very normal mundane level, you try to motivate, you try to
alleviate their lifestyle, you try to uplift them, you try to make them realize that there is higher
level of aspirations one can have instead of getting bogged down with what is mundane and what
is being get caught in this kind of rat race. So, if you slightly lead them to self-actualization and
cost them self-awareness, they will try to connect to you as a spiritual level and try to address
their innermost fears and worries by sharing your innermost fears and worries and that is how
you will connect and you can offer solace, comfort. Make them feel that, that is something
normal with all human beings and encourage them to acquire those qualities that money cannot
buy for them. This is how you can actually connect with them spiritually. Encouraging them to
acquire those qualities that money cannot buy for them and remember when you encourage, you
first try to emulate those qualities such as respect, so money cannot buy trust, loyalty, true
friends and genuine love, care and concern, inner peace, so, whatever money you are willing to
spend you cannot give that inner peace, sweet dreams. Very rich business people, they keep
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saying that, they get only nightmares, so they have stopped getting sweet dreams and happy
memories. Again, people who look apparently, materialistically, successful often, they regret
their life because, they say that they do not cherish, they do not have any happy memories.
Look at this unknown quote, that typifies things which you cannot buy using money. What
money can buy and where it is limited, what are the limitations of money and why you should try
to connect people at a spiritual level. Money can buy a house but not a home, it can buy a bed
but not sleep, it can buy a clock but not time, it can buy a book but not knowledge, it can buy
blood but not health. So, you see money is not everything in life. Now, the next important and
attractive trait that you should develop at a spiritual level is, you should help without
expectations.
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You should help others without expecting anything in return and it’s the ultimate quality that will
make you very attractive. When people know that you are a person who is just helping and
expecting nothing in return and you are doing without expecting anything in return, people will
find you the most attractive. In this context, I would like to tell you a story, a very interesting
story which appealed to me and definitely will appeal to you, in terms of helping others and
doing something without any expectation and it also tells you, leaves you with the message that
“The evil you do, remains with you! The good you do, comes back to you!”
What is the story? This is a story of a hunchback, so hunchback you know, a person who is not
able to stand direct, so he always walks with this hunch back and he is a beggar, so he is not able
to work, so he is actually getting things from other people and living by what he gets as arms and
every day he happened to pass by one house, where there is a lady, a mother and then she makes
some bread for the family and she leaves one set on the window, so that the person who is
passing by that window pane, so he can just take from the window and the person happens to be
this hunchback and every time he is taking the bread from the house he says this thing “The evil
you do, remains with you! The good you do, comes back to you!”
Now, every day the lady listens to this and slowly she starts feeling irritated and annoyed and she
feels that every day I am giving this person one set of bread and then without showing any
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gratitude, this person says this to me and then it doesn’t sound good, so he is ungrateful fellow
and I should teach him a lesson. Thinking so, the lady thinks that, what is the use of this person
living, so rather she should give poison, okay, she instead of putting only butter and jam she
thinks that she will add some poison that will kill the person immediately. So, she mixes poison
on that day and then puts butter and jam over it, conceals it and then she just plans to keep it in
the window.
Now the time she is planning to keep and then she has taken it and she is about to put it there, her
hands start slightly tremoring, she feels that what am I doing, this person is just annoying me and
then am I going to just give him the biggest punishment and what right I have to do this, so this
is real evil, thinking of killing him. So, for a moment she thinks and then she throws that
thinking that how did I get this thought and she throws that in the kitchen and then in the burner
and then it gets burnt.
Now, this mother’s only son, in a fit of a moment, in a quarrel with her, in a bitter quarrel with
her, he gets angry and then he runs away from the home and each day she is expecting that her
lovable son would return, he will forgive her and then he would come back. And this person has
not come for a long time. Now, suddenly this day, when she thought of giving that poisonous
bread to the hunchback beggar, the son appears at her doorstep and he is very lean and thin and
he is wearing shabby clothes and he looks as if she was about to die, but surviving somehow and
then the son says, mother! It’s a miracle that I am here, because I would have died just few miles
away from the home. But I saw a hunchback and then he was having a set of bread and then I
asked him to spare that to me because, I was hungry and I thought, I would die without eating
anything and then the hunchback beggar said that my need was higher than his need and then he
happily shared that with me. Now, I ate it and because I ate it, I was able to walk little further
and reach our home. Listening to this, the mother shuddered with a thought that, what would
have happened, if she had kept that poisonous bread for the Hunchback and that bread would
have been given to her own son and her own son would have died on the spot.
So, and then she remembers, the truth in the statement the hunchback was making, that “The evil
you do, remains with you! The good you do, comes back to you,” so if she had poisoned it her
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son would have died. But since she did the good thing of not poisoning and giving another fresh
bread piece to the Hunchback, the good thing that she did, her son came back safely and alive.
Now as a concluding thought, in terms of connecting to people spiritually and maintaining that
spiritual connection, I would like to tell you, that you should pay it forward, it’s not a new
thought of mine, but it becomes so popular and become highly philosophic and even has become
a kind of idiom. What does it mean, pay it forward?
It simply means, return the good, that someone did for you to someone else, not to the person
who did that good for you. So, instead of paying back to the original benefactor, return it to
someone needy. Now in this context, you should watch the movie “Pay It Forward” which was
released in the year 2000. It is a very beautifully made movie, it touches your soul, your heart
and it will make you connect to people at a spiritual level and you should start practicing this
“Pay It Forward.” Now to understand it fully, I would say that, you should watch the movie and
enjoy that and feel that spiritual connectivity, but a very small story that is getting circulated in
internet, I would like to share it with you in terms of paying it forward. This is the story.
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A man was driving a scooter, when he saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road. He saw
that she needed help. So, he stopped his scooter near her Mercedes car and got out. So, obviously
she is very rich, and this guy is very poor. He smiled, while he was approaching her, still she was
worried, as nobody had stopped for hours and that area was not looking safe so and this guy is
also not looking safe, so his appearance was so poor and shabby, so she was bit nervous. He
could see, how frightened she was, so he tried to calm her, he said, “I’m here to help you, don’t
worry. My name is Ankit.”
The tire was flat, so he had to crawl under the car. While changing the tire, he got dirty and his
hands were hurt. When the job was done, she asked how much she owed him for his help. Ankit
smiled. He said: “If you really want to pay me back, the next time you see someone, who needs
help, give that person the needed assistance. And think of me.”
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At the same evening, the lady stopped by a small cafe. That place looked dingy. Then she saw a
waitress, nearly eight months pregnant, wiping her wet hair with a towel. The waitress had a
sweet friendly smile, although she had spent on her feet the whole day, she was not showing the
tiredness, frustration on her face. The lady wondered how someone, who has so little, can be so
kind and giving to a stranger and then she remembered Ankit. The lady had finished her meal
and paid with a five hundred rupee note. The waitress went to get change and when she came
back the lady was gone.
She left a note on the napkin saying: “You don’t owe me anything. Somebody once helped me,
just like now I’m helping you. If you really want to pay me back, do not let this chain of love end
with you.” The waitress found five more two thousand-rupee notes under the napkin. That night
the waitress came home earlier. She was thinking about the lady and the money she left. She was
wondering, how the lady could know, how much she and her husband needed it, especially now,
and the baby will soon arrive. So, the husband is jobless, and wife is just earning little money
and they will need at least this ten-thousand rupees even for a normal delivery of the baby and
they were so worried as where they can get this money and they had already got enough loan and
they were so concerned about that. And she knew that her husband worried about that, so she
was glad to tell him good news that she has at least got the money. So that night, then she kissed
him and whispered. “Now everything will be alright. I love you, Ankit.”
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So you understand now that, it is the same Ankit who helped the lady for changing the tire and
the lady out of gratitude, since Ankit refused to take her help immediately and said that you pay
it forward she wanted to pay it forward to this lady who is needy and she knows that she needs
money for proper delivery and she kept the money for that purpose and that made this lady
happy and then she brought it and then she told her husband who is none other than the same
person who helped the lady.
Now, the good you do, definitely comes back to you and Pay It Forward says, you do it without
even expecting it and then try to Pay It Forward, just keep this love circle growing and if you are
able to do that you will soon make the place a very lovable and spiritually connectable place.
Now, let us end this lesson with an interesting quote from The Dalai Lama, when he was asked
in an interview what is it that surprises him so much, what aspect of the world or what thing in
the world surprised him the most, he said man and this is what he says, he says:
“Man surprised me most about humanity. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make
money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the
future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or
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the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.” This
beautifully sums up the weeks thought in terms of making yourself likeable, in terms of avoiding
yourself being totally dislikeable by others and developing attractive qualities as a physical,
mental and emotional level and more than emotional level, it is important to develop this
spiritual connectivity in terms of being attractive.
And the summing up thought is that, live in the moment and then develop things, acquire things
which money cannot buy and then pass on things paid forward in terms of goodness, that again
money cannot compensate. So, with that thought, I would like to tell you that apart from the
materials which I mentioned in the previous lecture, you should also take a look at this Eckhart
Tolle book, The Power of Now.
And watch the movie “Pay It Forward”. So you can get it on DVD, you can try to watch it from
people who might have even got it, copies stored it in their hard disk, so collect it from them,
find out where you can get a copy, but watch the movie okay, and then you will really feel if you
have that spiritual inclination in you, you would really feel that it is one movie that can change
you also and in fact it is considered to be one of the top 10 movies that can actually change a
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person and many people have watched it, experience the change in themselves. So interestingly
this time I am saying that you can even watch a movie, instead of all the time telling you that you
read something, read something. So, try to watch this one, I won’t keep telling you to watch
movies but this only one time-being I am recommending.
Once again, I thank you for being with me for this four weeks and then making me successfully
complete half of the course and at this stage I hope that you are trying to experiencing the
change, you are trying to implement some of the lessons that have been taught to you and as I
said unless you try to practice, so you will not experience the change actually, let that change
happen gradually, but for the better in you, and thank you so much for being with me and
watching this video. Have a very nice day! Happy doing this assignment. Thank you.
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Course Title
Lecture - 21
English Skills -1: Common Errors-1
by…
Hello, hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
I am happy that you have completed half of the course and again doubly happy that you are on
the verge of the commencement of the second half of the course, so on this lesson, lesson
number 21 and the fifth week of the course and this is the first unit. I thought that I should
introduce a very interesting, and a very relevant concept to you that is English Skills. Then in
this week, particularly in this lesson, will start on common errors.
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Now, before I tell you why English Skills and then why should you be quite concerned about the
common errors you commit particularly in everyday English, let us take a quick look at the
highlights of the last lesson, the last lesson of the last week.
We looked at the concealed issues related to being attractive in terms of spiritual level. At a
spiritual level, attractiveness means, something that goes very deep inside, it is a connection that
is between souls. Now, in that sense we identified the most important attractive qualities such as
practicing mindfulness, what does it mean? Being present at that moment, the present moment
only without getting bogged down by a very depressive past or feeling very anxious about an
unknown future.
So, if you are able to settle yourself and relax and focus on what is there at that moment in
present of you, you will be practicing mindfulness, paying full attention to every second that is
passing by, every minute that you are involved in this life. In that context, I suggested that you,
should read the most famous and most effective book by Eckhart Tolle, that is, The Power of
Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. I also suggested that you should learn to make deeper
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connections with people. Now while making deeper connections, you try to link you in terms of
their happiness and sorrow by expressing your own happiness and sorrow and then trying to
kindle the kind of self-awareness that is required towards becoming a self-actualized, self-
fulfilled, individual. To do this, one has to operate at a very high level of motivation, and one has
to rise above the mundane levels of motivations, which are normally catching up with people
who are caught in a rat race, especially in this materialistic world.
Now, while making deeper connections, it is important to make others realize by setting a good
example of your own, about the importance of gaining things which money cannot buy. I made a
quick list so that includes, for example, a very innocent smile from a child so you cannot give
money and then tell the child to smile innocently and same thing with regard to health for
example, your ability to sleep peacefully.
So, your ability to have loyal friends, your ability, your capacity and your qualities which make
people like you, love you. Genuinely, so these are things money cannot buy just like that and
then the last two points in terms of spiritual connectivity, highlighted helping people without
expectations, so in that context also I told a small story just to illustrate that if you do evil, it
stays with you and if you do good, it comes back to you.
Often in very multiple ways it gives you written but the point is it is not to expect that I will do
something, and I will get so many things in return. The point is to help people without expecting
anything in return and when people realize that you are a person who is doing things, without
expecting anything and you are doing things with no expectation in your mind so it will
automatically make you very attractive.
And, the final point I mentioned in the last lesson was paying it forward. In that context, I also
suggested that you should watch the movie by the title, Pay It Forward, the simple concept that
was made so popular and even many people believe in popularizing this concept by practicing is
that, when you receive a good thing, when a benefactor did a good thing for you, you need not
return the good thing back to the benefactor but you return the good thing to somebody else who
might be in need. So that this chain of love, this chain of affection, this chain of helpfulness is
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not broken and if possible, you try to do that maybe two times, three times, more than what you
received from the original person and that is the best way you return it to the original person and
we also looked at a story in which actually for the sake of the story, it was shown that the person
who helped somebody, gets back the benefit of the help through his own wife, by the night itself.
In real life, it may not happen like that and as I said you don’t help people with any expectation,
but when you start living your life like that, if you want to remain attractive, so that is the key
actually. So, to practice that, so start doing small things without any expectations and in the long
run you will be able to make huge sacrifices, do great things for other people without
expectations and in the process, you will also become very popular and attractive and liked by
many people.
Now that is slightly spiritual, philosophical in terms of developing your personality. Now, let us
look at a very practical aspect of Developing Soft Skills, Enhancing Your Soft Skills, as well as
Your Personality, so that is, in relation to English Skills. By English skills, it is meant developing
the English language skills, particularly, in terms of using it for communication. But you may
ask why should I do that and if I want to develop my soft skills. Now understand that English is a
globally used common language.

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It is considered the lingua franca of the world. So, wherever you go, you will be able to speak in
English and get at least the basic things that you want, it offers the window to the world. So, if
you want to experience new life, if you want to visit new places, so you need the language,
whether as a tourist or as a student, who wants to go to foreign countries for higher studies or as
a business person, who travels around the world, you are a Globetrotter. You need it for
communication and today, in reality, thanks to this Multi-National Companies MNCs, the world
has actually shrunk into a global village. So, thanks to communication, thanks to technology
again, but if you look at all forms of communication and technology, it is completely underlined,
underscored by the use of English language. So, English has also become a dominant corporate
language. And, if you want to join the global workforce English Skills is a must.
Now, without English Skills, you may operate at a regional level, but if you want to reach a
global level, it’s important that you develop and Enhance your English Skills. High level
professionals, technical jobs, now all of them demand proficiency in English Language. To
compete with the workforce in the global market, and to transform one’s life. Now, life changes,
as we have seen before only when you put yourself in challenging situations, if you decide that
you will live in the comfort zone of a language that you speak and surrounded by people who
speak your language and work in a place where people speak only your language. So, your life
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will not go to the next level and only when you sort of push yourself to change and the expected
transformation will happen in your life. Life becomes very stimulating and it becomes
challenging and at the same time makes you very happy and find out your purpose and try to live
a fulfilling life.
English, interestingly, if we talk about the significance, is also the official language, in as many
as seventy countries. So, even if you want to talk to somebody, using the official language of
their country, then also you have to use English. Now, many books, films and other knowledge
repositories prefer English as a medium of production, because when you write in English or
when you make a movie in English or when you store knowledge in English, so you have very
wide audience, so, it’s easy to sell your product.
So, for this reason again, they are producing mostly using this medium of English. Now, another
interesting factor with regard to soft skills, is that many people think that, Soft Skills imply
English Skills! People think that when you say that I am doing a course on Soft Skills, I am
learning something about Soft Skills although they know that, okay, you may be trying to
understand the subtleties of body language, etiquette and then certain very innate things, which
not overtly discussed let us say in communication courses.
But, at the same time they understand that, somehow or other you are also trying to improve your
English Skills. Somehow, Soft Skills is considered to be a sophisticated form of learning English
Skills. Again, it is yes and no, because, yes because like most of these things again, we use
English to communicate, but no, because Soft Skills, is much broader than that, but however,
what I would tell you, I would say that it’s not that important at a basic communication level. To
develop the proficiency of a native speaker. Native speaker is somebody, who is born, let us say
in the United States of America or in United Kingdom, in London or New York or Australia and
then where they speak English as the mother tongue. So, you don’t have to speak in that accent,
you don’t have to speak, imitate them and then you don’t have to develop that much vocabulary,
but atleast to make you gain respectability, your everyday language, particularly when you try to
use English Language, in your everyday communication it should be free from common errors.
Many errors are used in everyday communication, particularly when we are non-native speakers,
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that is when we don’t speak English as our first language in the sense like you don’t use it as
your mother tongue, so then you face some difficulties.
And then ignoring that, is not going to give you any benefit, but paying some attention and
consistently will make you develop English skills in such a manner, at least you speak freely and
you are able to speak in an effective manner and without errors by which you do not confuse
people or you do not speak in an ambiguous manner and you try to speak clearly, simply, so that
people understand you. So that is the reason, why I wanted to introduce this lesson to you and in
the following lessons, I am just going to discuss the major common errors and I am going to use
one particular book about which I will tell at the end, which I also want you to read and buy,
because it doesn’t cost that much. But, before I introduce the book, I just want you to test
yourself and see what is the level of your English what kind of common errors that you are being
committing, so I am just going to start with twenty simple sentences.
They are actually going to use ten pairs of words, which sound similar or they are spelled
similar, they look similar, but they are different in meanings and most of the times, common
errors that are committed by Indian speakers, mostly in the everyday language context is because
that they get confused between these words. If you try to understand the words by keeping them
in the context and remembering some examples, you will not commit the mistake.
Now in order to train you, I am just going to leave this lesson after giving you twenty questions
and then I just want you to write down the answers and assess you, check the meanings and
deliberately I have not put the answers at the end of this video so that you cannot just run and
then check the answers and then come back to the questions, it’s not done here. But you can, if
you want, you can just go to a dictionary, standard dictionaries, like the one published by
Cambridge or Oxford. So, Oxford Learner’s Dictionary, is a very common dictionary, that is
used by many people. Longman’s Dictionary is also quite good. Okay, any standard dictionary, if
you are able to use and check the meaning and then, as such also, I have no problem, but right
now, I would say so take your notebook or a piece of paper and then as I just read it out to you,
just give your spontaneous answer and then you can check your score. In the next lesson, and or
you can do the self-assessment to yourself by using a dictionary.
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Let us look at some of the interesting sentences and let’s test your English. What you have to do,
you have to choose the correct answer from the choices given in brackets.
So, for each pair, there are two sentences and you have to identify the correct one and insert the
correct one. So, you can write one and the correct word which you have selected from the
bracket and in the next video, we can check the answers and I will tell you the explanation also,
first one, ______ introduced cricket in India. Now, two options: one: English, the second one is:
the English. So, you select one of them and make that your answer. Write it in your notebook or
on a piece of paper.
Let us go to the second one, I don’t enjoy watching ________ movies, the answers are: English,
the English. Whatever you think is right, put it. Now, you don’t look at any dictionary. This is
just to test your basic knowledge and it is only for you. So, you don’t have to cheat anybody, you
don’t have to do any kind of discussion also on this, whatever you know, you just write honestly.
Let us go to the third word, The game will ________ after the lunch break. Now, there are two
words, with the spelling: resume, I am not going to pronounce these words. Now, but I will
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pronounce them in the next video. If you are curious, you just check the pronunciation, because
if you know the right pronunciation, they also give you the correct answers.
Let us go to the next one: four, Shruti’s ________ is so impressive that she will get an interview
call from any company! Again, the same two words with the letters: resume. Fifth one, a very
simple one, I live ________ in the bungalow. Choose from: alone, lonely. Sixth one, again the
same two words, but you have to find out the right one. Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea,
it’s a small novel, The Old Man and the Sea depicts the life of a ____ fisherman. Seven, again
next to word pair, His _______ behaviour is very irritating. You have childish, childlike to
choose from and eight, Her _______ beauty appeals to everyone. Again childish, childlike,
choose the one you think is right.
Nine and ten, the next pair.
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My ______ got angry when I went late to the school for the third consecutive day. You have to
choose either principle or principal then, He is a man who lives without any _______ principle,
principal okay. So, the spelling’s also there is a difference. Just take note, before giving the
answer and this is a commonly committed error, so even among learned people, school children,
etc.
Now, the next two, again I will not pronounce the word now because, pronouncing the words
will give the clue. Eleven, He wore a smart _______. Look at the spelling, suit and the next one
is suite one e is added. So, as I said, I will not comment on the pronunciation now. But in the
next video, I will do that. Twelve: They booked the family _______ again, same two words in
the hotel. Thirteen, The ________ crisis of the 1920’s is well-known. So, you can choose either
economic or economical, that is the next pair and Fourteen again the same pair, you have to
make a choice, She was _______ in arranging for the wedding party of her daughter, which one
is right, economic or economical. Let us look at the remaining six sentences and three more pair
of words. Fifteen, He has written about his ______ experiences in the book.
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Again, I don’t want to pronounce the words now. But personal, and then personnel, slight
difference. Sixteen, same pair, The army ______ were very efficient and brave. In the same pair,
you choose what you think is the right word. Seventeen, eighteen the next pair of words, The
_______ pattern of light and dark colours looked beautiful on the bed sheet. The words are
alternate, alternative. Eighteen, The underpass is a good _______ alternate, alternative to the
main road in case of heavy traffic. The last one also, I will not pronounce. But I can just spell the
words, _______ is a beautiful lake in this village. Choose from there or their, the same pair you
have to select one for the next one. Due to the festival, the workers got _______ pay one week in
advance. This again, a common error between THERE and THEIR, many people commit. But,
just see where you stand in this 20 and then you want to do a quick self-assessment, the best way
is to check out these words in a dictionary, look for the difference.
In meaning, look for similar examples, then you can access, but you can also wait till the next
video. I would rather say that first work it out and then come to the next video, okay. Do not just
go and check the answers from the next video and then come to this for doing this, so I hope you
have done it okay. Now, I would like to conclude this with a simple thought related to language
by Caesar Chavez, quote unquote.
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He says, “Our language is the reflection of ourselves. A language is an exact reflection of the
character and growth of its speakers.” What does it imply? If you think that should I learn this
language or that language or what kind of language that I use for communication, Chavez’s says
that whatever language that you use is a reflection of ourselves which means, you should be able
to express, you, the real you, using the language. And, not only simple reflection he says, it is a
reflection of the character and growth of its speakers whether it is a culture language, whether it
is a Polish language, okay and all that depends on the character and growth of its speakers. So,
with that thought in mind, let me say a quick word about the book that I am going to use in this
week, and in this audio, as well as video lesson. Most of the word choices which I have given or
actually from this book.
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It is a recently published book, by Dr. Saumya Sharma, the title is Common Errors in English
published by, Oxford University Press and it doesn’t cost much, it is 180 rupees only. So, like if
you just want a quick check, you can also buy this book and check these answers. But, I am
going to give you more of this exercise and most of the examples I am going to derive from this
book but I also suggest that you buy this on your own so that you get a complete grasp of the
common errors in everyday English and try to master or overcome this kind of errors which you
commit normally in everyday English.
So, I hope this week we have a good beginning with regard to Enhancing your English Skills as
part of the Soft Skills and Developing your Personality. Let me conclude this, by wishing you
that you have a very nice day and thank you so much for watching this video.
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Course Title
Lecture-22
English Skills-2: Common Errors-2
By
Hello! hai, welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality, this is the fifth
week and we are on second unit, lesson number 22nd.
And this is the second module on English Skills and the second lesson on Common Errors. Some
people ask me, why have I put this English Winglish with W. I just wanted to clear to all of you,
I want you to Win this English Skills gained. So, it is a kind of game, you need to know the rules
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and then you have to play, and you also need to know the rules so that you can break the rules.
But, if you do not know the rules and play the game, so there is minimal possibility of winning
this game. So, let us win this English. Look it at as a game, and in the last week, we discussed
about various aspects of Developing your Soft Skills and Personality. But then, this week, I said
that let us focus more on English Skills because, people sometimes think that this is very close to
Developing Soft Skills.
So, if you say that you are good in Soft Skills, but then you do not speak good English, people do
not accept that you have actually developed your Soft Skills and this time we are focusing on
Enhancing the skills, which means slightly we want to go one step ahead. Now, last lesson I gave
you about 20 confusing words and then I wanted you to work on them.
So, let us take a quick highlight of what I did. So, in the previous lesson, I discussed about the
importance of developing English Skills in the globalized scenario. English Language as such is
used as the common language, the lingua franca and the preferred medium for all kinds of
international level communications. So, whether you would like to go as a tourist or as a student
or as just a business person, you need to develop your English Skills.
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Besides, many books, films and other knowledge disseminating materials, are all produced in
English and people invariably identify Soft Skills with English Skills. Although, this common
perception is not fully correct, it is significant to possess English Language Skills to the extent,
one avoids committing the Common Errors.
What do I mean by this? I am saying that at least you speak in simple English, that is
understandable by the people around you, so that you do not confuse words and you do not
commit common mistakes in your day-to-day communication. Just to begin with, I gave you
about 20 commonly misused words in everyday usage. Now, in this lesson, we will learn about
the correct usage of them and I will again give you 20 more sentences, asking you to identify the
words or phrases which are commonly considered to be mistakes which normally people commit
in day-to-day communication in English. Now, let us check your answers. Last time, you had
actually written the answers I hope in your notebook, somewhere you have kept it, now take
them and then as we go for the correct one, just tick it and give one mark and at the end of it we
will assess, where you stand as far as English skills are concerned.
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The first one, the correct answer: The English introduced cricket in India. The English here
refers to the people, when you use the article the, before English it refers to the English people.
The British people especially. In fact, when you use the before any kind of like languages for
example, French when you say the French it refers to the French people. Same thing with
German, when you say the German, it refers to the German people.
So, second one obviously is, English, that is the correct answer, as it is used in the sentence I
don’t enjoy watching English movies. Now, English here refers to the language. I hope you see
the difference, you understand the difference, the English will refer to the people. English
without the article refers to the language. The next pair of words, I said I will not pronounce
previously, the words are resume and résumé. Now, when I pronounce, you can slightly
understand the difference.
The first answer is: The game will resume after the lunch break. Now, resume here means to
restart or continue after a break, to begin, to commence after usually giving a short break. But
résumé is a brief summary of one’s achievements, skills and experience shorter than a CV or a
bio-data and it is used in sentences like the one we have given. Shruti’s résumé is so impressive
that she will get an interview call from any company. So, resume is to continue after a break,
résumé refers to a short bio-data.
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Fifth one, and the sixth one, the pair is alone and lonely. The correct answers, I live alone in the
bungalow. Alone is to be without others, on your own, independently. In the next one, you
should have used lonely. Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea depicts the life of a lonely
fisherman. Lonely means lacking companions, so he is not at least initially supported by his
fisherman friends. So, he goes alone into the deep sea and he sometimes even feels lonely.
So, it also amounts to feel sad and preferring solitude, that is the difference. Alone, just indicates
the fact that somebody is living independently, single, without others, whereas lonely, comes out
with this feeling that, you are, may be, abandoned by others. Others are not with you, may be
deliberately or you have chosen that deliberately. You prefer to live without them and there is
some kind of sadness, associated with that most of the time.
The next pair is childish and childlike. Correct answers: His childish behavior is very irritating.
Childish here means immature or lack of maturity. Whereas, look at the next sentence. Her
childlike beauty appeals to everyone. Childlike, is like a child, young and innocent. So, do not
confuse the usage of these two words in alternate context.
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Okay, let’s go to the next pair, between principal and principle. My principal got angry when I
went late to the school for the third consecutive day. Now, Principal refers to the head, the chief,
the main teacher of a school. Most of the times, this error between principal and principle is
committed when you usually write a letter. Okay, you especially for principal you write as
principle, so you have to be very careful. Many people don’t commit this in usage, they are bit
careful.
But while writing, this error is noted frequently. The tenth correct answer, He is a man who lives
without any principle. Now, principle here refers to a rule or a kind of maxim or standard,
especially of good behavior, see the difference. One refers to the person, the head the other refers
to rule or standard or a maxim, normally of a good behavior. The next pair, which again I said, I
will not pronounce because again the pronunciation, sort of gives away the answer.
The pair is suit and suite although the spelling looks similar, except for the e added in the second
one, correct answers, He wore a smart suit. Now suit or pants here, refers to the garment and the
full set, that the person has been wearing as a dress to cover himself. Okay this refers to the
dress. The next one, They booked the family suite. It actually sounds like sweet in the hotel.
Now, here sweet means rooms in a building or an apartment consisting of a series of connected
rooms used as a living unit.
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So when you refer to family suite in a hotel, it means that you will just like feel like a family
apartment it will not give you a feeling of a single bedroom, double bedroom, you may even
have a small kitchen, will have one master bedroom, two small bedrooms, there is a front space
for coming and discussing, it’s a kind of drawing room, kind of front one, the living room is
given to you. So, it gives you the feeling of a family living there although, it is in a hotel but they
are all connected as a single unit.
The next pair is between, economic and economical. You are supposed to make a choice. The
correct answer for 13 is, The economic crisis of the 1920’s is well-known. Economic means
financial, related to money, wealth and production of it. Now, the next one, economical is
different from just financial or money as in the sentence that was given, the correct form is, She
was economical in arranging for the wedding party of her daughter.
Now, economical here means, being thrifty, frugal, it’s not just spending money too much, but it
also amounts to avoiding waste, using the resources that you have in a very efficient manner, so
that amounts to be economic. 15 and 16 the choice given to you was between personal and
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personnel, again slight difference only. But the first personal, He has written about his personal
experiences in the book: personal, nal, the last part is related to one individual and private life. I
personally like you, but office, I am showing you my annoyance. So, it means as an individual I
like you so much but, as your boss I have to talk to you in a different manner. The army
personnel look at the last part, nnel, that is the difference. We are very efficient and brave
personal is staff or workforce, generally the word refers to group of people willing to obey orders
17-18, the correct choices are in 17.
The alternate pattern of light and dark colours looked beautiful on the bedsheet. Now alternate
means one after other or occurring by turns. So, suppose I say, I will come for the job on
alternate days, that means I will come one day, I leave the other day, then another day, I leave
one other day. So that is the meaning. So, one after other, but usually it’s occurring by turns.
Whereas, alternative refers to a choice between two or sometimes more things, but, where you
have to select the second option so, The underpass is a good alternative to the main road in case
of heavy traffic. Here, alternative refers to the second option, a choice between two things. 19
There is a beautiful lake in this village. So this is a common error committed between there and
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their. Mostly in writing, this is very much evident, because, while speaking they sound similar,
in writing, people confuse these two words.
So, There is a beautiful lake in the village as is given in the example, it refers to something in or
at that place, that location, so there you remember the place. But when it is eir, is a pronoun and
it refers to people, as in the second example given: Due to the festival, the workers got their pay
one week in advance. So, their refers to people, of them or themselves. Now, I hope you have
been ticking the right answers and giving one mark and then crossing the wrong one and giving
0.
Now, take a quick minute to add it up, find out the total and let us go to check your score, if you
have got 20 out of 20 you are outstanding, so your English Skills is already at a superior level.
You only need to polish it. If you are, either 18 or 19, it is still excellent, if you are between 15
and 17 you are very good, if you have between 12 and 14 you are good.
If it is in the range of 10 or 11 it is just fair, you need lot of improvement. 8 to 9 is average, so

again you can do plenty more. 6 to 8 is below average, you need to work hard to improve this
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area, 4 to 7 is poor. One has to work very hard and 0 to 3 is very poor, but I hope like most of
you are in the range of at least 12 to 14.
That is the way we like, the way we assess your assignments. We see that you are in that level
but, by chance if some of you or average or below average, so follow the suggestions given by
the books suggested, workout and keep on using them appropriately in day-to-day language,
practice. Practice will make you perfect. Listen to others, observe others, check whether they are
speaking correctly or wrongly, use a good dictionary and that will ensure that at least you have
polished English Skills to work with.
Now, let us go to next set of sentences, which are slightly more challenging, this time, I am not
giving you the options and this time I want to test your English.
By asking you to give the correct form of the words underlined in the sentences which are given
here. There are 20 sentences and look at the words which are underlined. No choice, but you
have to tell me in the next video, what is the right word, okay and what is the correct form.
Accordingly, you will get marks, again we will check your score in the next one. In this one,
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work out this 20, take it as a challenge and then use dictionary, use Google, search and then
identify the correct answers and remember them.
It is like, today all answers are available on the internet, you can easily search and get the
answers, but then, note it in your notebook, memorize, remember and use it, otherwise the time
you search and then give the answers and get 20 score it just reminds that it is 20 out of 20 but in
practice it’s just five or eight, in practice also it should be 20 out of 20. Okay, let’s start, I wish
you that, you all do very well in this one.
So, give the correct form of the underline words. 1) Meet Madhav. He’s my older brother. The
word underlined here is older and you have to check whether it’s right or wrong and like
obviously I have given the wrong form and you have to tell me, what is the right form? The next
one, 2) My sister-in-laws are coming for dinner tonight. Mind you, some of the expressions like
this, looks very normal and looks like something that is exactly correct, but they are not correct
and acceptable.
Especially if you want to speak good English and they are errors which should be corrected even
if you have been saying this maybe for 20 years30 years of your life time it’s high time you get
them corrected now, okay. So, they are wrong, you have to identify what is wrong and come out
with the correct ones and remember them. Third, Anjali’s niece has grown up. Underlined
phrase, grown-up. Identify what is wrong in this.
4) I just got to know that Binayak has married with Supriya. We use this very often, but looks
like what is wrong with this. So, look at the underlying phrase, married with, correct it. 5) They
‘ve got a beautiful home in the hills. I mean it is something we keep saying normally, but what is
wrong with using home, the underlying word here. 6) My brother lives in abroad. Again, a very
common expression lives in, what is wrong?
7) I’ve been brought up in a joint family, is the most interesting one because, some of you cannot
even think of another word other than joint family, please look it up on a dictionary, Google it
and check whether is the right thing you are doing. When you say, I live in a joint family, check
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that. 8) Dad and I have a lot of things in common between us. In this, commonly said like she
and me we have lot of things in common between us.
What is wrong with, in common between us? how can you improve on this? 9) I have good
relations with my customers. Relations is the word you need to check. 10) I have to care for my
aged parents. What is wrong with the use of this age or aged?
11) People dream to visit the USA, to visit what is wrong with to visit especially when it is
combined with dream, how you improve on this? 12) This again, most of you do this. Please
excuse me. I didn’t mean to step on your shoes. So, in crowded bus, in crowded train, lift, so,
when you inadvertently step on somebody shoes, you say this. Please excuse me. I didn’t mean
to step on your shoes.
13) In the previous one the phrase you need to look at is, Please excuse me itself, what is wrong
in using that in this context? 13) Ashok is good in cricket, good in underline words check them
up 14) Many times I see my neighbor cycling to my office. Many times what is wrong with the
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usage 15) This again I have heard from my students many times, Last to last year I was in
Bangalore.
How do you correct this last to last? the most common error. 16) Today morning I met Sheetal.
What is wrong with today morning? 17) This again people say this, when they are going to give
some break, they say, I will see you after a week. How do you correct this after a week? 18)
Most common error, which again will discuss in detail in the next one, I didn’t had my breakfast,
to meaning I did not had my breakfast? so what is wrong with didn’t had?
19) We’ve lived here since three years. The underlined word is since what is wrong with since?
20) I met Gauri three years before. Before, is the underlying word and what is wrong with this
underlying word, give me the correct word and this time you should have just underlined the
words in your notebook also and then identify the correct form and what you think is the right
one, write it and keep it ready for the next video, next lesson in which I will begin with
discussing the answers and then you can check them and then assess your score also.
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Now, just to conclude with one motivating thought about learning any language, not just English
It’s from Ludwig Wittgenstein a very famous philosopher and language researcher and linguist.
So, he says the limits of my language, mean the limits of my language, so if I make many errors,
if I commit many mistakes that is the limitation. So if I convey my ideas effectively if I am able
to express what I feel inside me so easily, so fluently, so succinctly, so powerfully, so effectively
and get what I want through my communication, this means, my world is widen , unlimited, but
if I am not able to do that and language is a limitation for me, whichever language it maybe, it
only implies the limits of my world, my world becomes narrow, confined. Okay within a closed
circle and there are many words which we need to experience.
So, we need to enlarge the horizons of our world using the merits of language by overcoming the
limitations which we have and hopefully these kinds of videos try to help you to identify your
limitations first, address them, accept them. Many of you do not accept that I don’t speak with
full of mistakes. I am too good, so the moment your mind things like that it is a fixed mindset, its
rigidity of thinking.
It will not let new thoughts to come, it will not accept even if hundreds of videos like this will
teach you lessons, will make you work, your mind has to be open and then you receive the ideas,
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accept your mistake and then move ahead and then you will find that you are starting to live a
new life and new avenues, new windows are getting opened.
So, with this thought, let me conclude and just apart from the book of Saumya Sharma, the recent
one it’s just one eighty rupees, available through Amazon, Flipkart so and your local bookseller
also, Common Errors in English, that is published just this year, there is a slightly old book
published in 1998. If you want to know more about Common Errors, but the difference between
the other book published in 1998 Turton and Heaton’s Longman’s Dictionary of Common
Errors.
Is that it looks for, accuracy in terms of the British Standard English and the deviations in
general, but Saumya Sharma’s book focuses particularly on the way mostly the Indian speakers,
the Non-English speakers commit mistakes, in their day-to-day life. So, I would suggest that you
start with this, it is a small book, you finish. I am just taking examples from these books just to
tease you.
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Okay, just to give you a taste of how you can improve your English Skills. The book will satisfy
your full thirst of Developing and Enhancing your English Skills and simultaneously your Soft
Skills and along with your personality. So, thank you so much for watching this video, have a
wonderful day!
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Course Title
Lecture - 23
by…
Hello, everyone! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality, this is
week five and we are on the third unit.
And as far as English Skills contents are concerned, again we are on the third module and we are
discussing about Common Errors and this is lesson number 23. Now, today again I am going to
give you 20 more sentences which normally you commit mistakes in day-to-day language but,
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before that, what did we do in the last lesson? You checked your score for 20 commonly
confused words and learnt about the correct usage of the following words: English, the English;
resume, résumé; alone, lonely; childish, childlike; principle, principal; suit, suite; economic,
economical; personal, personnel; alternate, alternative; there, their, pronunciation there is no
difference but, in terms of letter there and THEIR.
And in order to test you further, I gave you 20 more commonly misused words/expressions in
everyday usage. Now, we will learn about the correct usage of them in this lesson and then we
will learn 20 more incorrect ones, in the sense that I will give you 20 more for exercise and we
will get it corrected in the next one. Now, first take your answers, as I said you just take your
paper that you worked on the previous day, one mark for each correct answer and 0 for each
wrong answer, at the end we can assess where you are. Now first one, Meet Madhav. He’s my
elder brother. is the correct answer.
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What is the explanation? While elder an eldest have the same meaning as older and oldest, use
elder before a noun, that is before a naming word like, brother, sister. So, you use elder, you can
use older and oldest after a connecting verb as predicative adjective, that is an adjective which
comes after a linking verb such as, is, am or were. Example, Harish is older than me. So, here
you can use older, it is followed by is and then than, okay, I hope it is clear to you. Now, the next
one is interesting, the correct form is: My sisters-in-law are coming for dinner tonight. sister-in-
laws is actually Indian English, Indianism and which is commonly used but very incorrectly
What is the explanation for using sisters-in-law in plural form? When you have more than one
brother, sister-in-law the correct plural form is brothers, sisters in law, not in laws. It should go
with brothers, sisters, okay. The third one, correct form: Anjali’s niece has grown. So, the wrong
form is grown up, growing up means coming of age, that is becoming physically matured, to
suggest physical growth such as indicating somebody has grown taller. Before the time you saw
the person. So, now you should use grown, not grown up.
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Fourth one, correct form: I just got to know that Binayak has married with Supriya is wrong
form, is married to Supriya is the correct form. The word married generally, goes with to and
when you want to say someone is in a marital relationship with somebody, when you indicate the
relationship, say is married to. Fifth one, the correct form: They’ve got a beautiful house in the
Hills, not home in the hills. What is the difference between house and home? The place/the
building where we stay is our house. The brick construction whereas home is used to suggest the
place you call your own, the place you belong, the place you live with your family members. The
place where you think, your family is there, not necessarily your blood relation, wherever you
feel at home, so even you have heard of this expression you go to a stranger’s place and then
while serving food, they tell you please feel at home, it means, please feel that you belong to us,
you are part of this place and feel comfortable to ask for what you want or please feel free to
serve yourself, take whatever you want, eat as much as you want. So that is what they mean by
saying please feel at home. Home is an emotional word, often it is preceded by the preposition
act in an example like, Ramesh isn’t at home now. So, be careful, house indicates building, home
is coming with the emotional belonging sense, so do not confuse these two words.
The next one: My brother lives abroad is the correct form, not lives in abroad, because, you
should not use prepositions, particularly in or at before abroad.
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Seventh one, this again related to Indian usage: I’ve been brought up in a joint family is wrong as
far as good English is concerned. Correct form is, I’ve been brought up (in an) extended family.
The expression in the family, in the sense of joint-family is actually Indianism, but the correct
form is extended family and if you look at the Oxford English Dictionary, it defines extended
family just in the way, you think about joint family. Look at this definition, “A family which
extends beyond the nuclear family to include grandparents and other relatives.” So, use extended
family, although it might appear strange to your fellow colleagues, friends and all that, but you
tell them this is the correct form and you can also correct them.
The eighth one: Dad and I have a lot of things in common, is the correct form that between us, in
common between us. So, normally we say, we have a lot of things in common between us, so
that is redundant, that between us and especially when you and someone else share interests,
traits, etc.— you have things in common it’s a fixed expression. There is no need to add between
us.
So, ninth one: the use of relations is incorrect here, when you say, I have good relations with my
customers. The correct form is: I have a good relationship with my customers. Relations is a
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formal expression which is commonly used to talk about the interaction between countries or
large groups of people, for example, ‘relations between India and Pakistan.’ Relationship is used
to describe how individuals or smaller groups connect with each other, for example: ‘parent-
child relationship,’ or ‘teacher-student relationship.’
Tenth one: the wrong form is, I have to care for my aged parents.
The correct form is, I have to care for my elderly parents. Elderly parents, elderly is less formal
and more polite than aged, which means very old and weak. So, aged this indicating age with the
associated negativity of becoming old and weak, but elderly is giving some dignity and it sounds
decent also, so try to use elderly instead of saying aged. Answer for 11, Is people dream of
visiting the USA and it is wrong to say dream to visit the USA. Dream of is again a fixed
expression and means hoping for something pleasant to happen. So, you cannot break that and
insert to.
The next one is, quite interesting, you very often say, Please excuse me or even to call the
attention of somebody, you say excuse me, as in the case of I didn’t mean to step on your shoes.
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But the correct form is, I’m sorry— I didn’t mean to step on your shoes. Why? Because, use
excuse me for interrupting someone, somebody is busy and then you are disturbing, interrupting,
then you say excuse me, especially when you have to introduce yourself to a stranger or while
seeking information, but not in situations where you are just, put your step on somebody where
you should say sorry and not excuse me.
13, wrong form is Ashok is good in cricket.

The correct form is Ashok is good at cricket. Now look at this phrase, ‘good at’ is used with an
activity like, anything that you do usually, playing, good at painting, good at basketball, good at
hockey etc. Nonetheless, for school subjects like, Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry you can use
both good at and good in. So, somebody can be good in Mathematics, as well as good at
Mathematics, so you have good at Physics, good in Physics, both are correct.
14, many times is wrong usage, as in the sentence, Many times I see my neighbour cycling to my
office. The correct form is: Very often I see my neighbour cycling to my office. Use many times
only if you can count the number of times, but when you cannot count the number of times, such
as, something that is occurring frequently, so use often or very often. Very often to indicate that
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the frequency is higher, often is just to indicate it occurring regularly. The next error again,
mostly committed in non-English speaking countries, Last to last year, I was in Bangalore.
Wrong form. You should use, the year before last, the year before last I was in Bangalore. Last to
last is Indianism. To talk about something that took place before last week/last month/last year
use this form like, the year before last, you say the week before last, the month before last, etc.
16, wrong form is, Today morning I met Sheetal. The correct form is, I met Sheetal this morning
even if you say this morning comma, I met Sheetal it makes sense. But it is proper to say I met
Sheetal this morning, I met Sheetal this afternoon, this evening. The explanation is to talk about
things which happened or are likely to happen in the same day you are speaking, use this. Next
one, I will see you after a week. After week is wrong usage, correct one I will see you in a
week’s time, when you want to say how long before something happens in the future, use in . . .
time. That is in a week’s time, in a month’s time, in a year’s time, in a fortnight’s time.
18, A typical usage, wrongly used frequently is, I didn’t had my breakfast. Correct form: I didn’t
have my breakfast. Reason, always use present form of the main verb, that is, have, has, so not
had, after did or did not, didn’t, do not use did not, didn’t with the past tense form of the main
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verb such as, which you normally use in phases like, did not went, instead of I didn’t go, you will
say I didn’t went, did you buy that, so you will say I didn’t bought it, instead of saying I didn’t
buy. So, be careful like after did, it is always in the present form, not in the past form.
19, We have lived here since three years. Is the use of preposition, since and for, where people
normally mistake between these two. The correct form is, we have lived here for three years. Use
since to specify when something began: like, since this morning, it has been raining heavily.
Since 1966, the price has been on the increase and so on since Monday, since Tuesday, so at a
point of time and it’s been continuing now, usually since is used.
But, to talk about how long, that is the duration, use for, I have been staying here for 10 years
and the last one from the previous lesson. I met Gauri three years before. Before is strongly used
here, the correct form is: I met Gauri three years ago. Ago refers to the amount of time that has
been spent before the present. Before also means the same but is used to count time from a point
in the past— We had read the book a year before it got the Booker prize. It is used with the past
perfect tense.
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Now, check your answers, check your score very quickly and then the score and your status in
terms of your English Skills. If it is 20, it is Outstanding.18 or 19 is Excellent.15 to 17 is Very
Good.12 to14 is Good. 10 or 11 is Fair. 8 and 9 Average. 6 to 8 is Below Average. 4 to 7 is Poor.
0 to 3 is Very Poor. As I said, you don’t have to feel disheartened if your score is bit low,
because just started and if you are at the beginning level, no problem.
Use the books and reference materials which are given to you, suggested to you, recommended
to you and try to learn more Common Errors, that generally you commit in your day-to-day
communication. Observe, how others speak and see what you speak and even when you observe
how others speak you need to identify the common errors that even others, it could be even your
boss.
It could be somebody whom you respect, in terms of the language and communication they have,
but they might be committing these common errors. So be careful, correct yourself, correct
others also. Let’s go to the second part of today’s lesson, where I am just going to give you
another set of 20 sentences, again, incorrect usage, identify the correct usage and will just get
them corrected in the next lesson.
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Now, test your English! Give the correct form of the underlined words: First one, again, it will
sound that you normally use this. Look at the first one, I passed out in 2014 from my university.
It is a normal thing, most of the students say, but find out what is wrong with this and what is the
correct form and second, especially in the northern part of the country, the Hindi speakers
typically say this, and find out why and what is the correct form. I couldn’t catch my teacher’s
English at all.
Three, I want to learn English to go ahead in my career. The wrong part is go ahead. Four,
Please write your name on the top of the answer script, on the top of is marked incorrect. Find
out, what is the correct form. Five, it is something that you say frequently, I’ll call you again in
twenty minutes, call you again is underlined for wrong part, find out what is correct? Six, The
bus-stop is in front of my house, this is something again you say normally, but what is wrong
with this usage in front of?
Seven, again a very common mistake that has been committed by many people, but just find out
what is wrong in this? The climate in Delhi is quite humid this month. Eight, it is also a
commonly committed error. I’m coming from India. So, coming from is underlined even you can
change from am coming from. Okay, nine, Nainital is all about 6,000 feet over sea level.
Wrongly used word here is, over find out what is the correct form?
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10. I put a plastic cover above the sofa. Again, the underlined word is above, just find out what
is the correct one. 11. The earthquake, note the comma, that will give you some clue, about what
is the correct answer that shook Latur, so these two commas are indicating parentheses, as if this
is additional information in the bracket. I am just giving a clue as what is wrong with that? That
was eight point five on the Richter scale.
12. The judges gave awards to all poems which showed originality. Which is underlined here,
you need to check what is wrong with the usage of which here? 13. She lacks in confidence,
lacks in is underlined, find out the correct form. 14. Where is my belongings? Is, is underlined,
what is the correct form? find out? 15. Please give me blue pen. I hope some of you know the
answer most of you must know this answer, something is missing, identify what is missing?
Probably, that should precede blue pen, I am giving you the clue. 16. He is a honest police
officer, underline part, a honest, identify the correct usage. 17. Will I drop you to the station?
will is underlined what is wrong with the usage of will here, you know the correct one, you can
write it or you check it and find out what is wrong with, Will I drop you to the station?
18. Again, a frequently committed mistake by students, by non-native speakers of English,

Despite of leaving station she had made all the arrangements for the conference. Despite of is
underlined, identify what is the correct form? 19. You can travel on bus to reach Dehradun.
travel on, on is underlined, is it wrong, yes, that is why it is underlined. But, then what is the
correct form?
20. You were talking to Rajesh? You were is underlined and it sounds familiar, like all the time
you ask questions this way, you were talking to Rajesh? This, you were, what is wrong here? So,
identify the correct answers and then in the next video, let us check the correct answers and then
go for slightly tougher ones.
Okay, but you are also learning, so I am just trying to create a kind of awareness in you as the
common mistakes you commit and at the same time to kindle a thirst in you. To know what is the
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right form and how to make yourself look almost perfect in terms of your English Skills. Let me
wind up this lesson, this lecture with a very motivating thought about learning anything.
So, I want to use it for learning language in particular, this is from Sarah Galdwell, what has she
to say about learning? She says, quote from her: quote unquote, “Learn everything you can,
anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful
you did.” Learn everything you can, whether it is language, learn everything you can about a
language, about a subject, any time you can, from anyone you can, there will always come a
time, when you will be grateful you did. So, as far as learning is concerned, the point made in
this quotation is that, you will never have any regrets, you will never feel that you wasted your
time learning something, time never was wasted because you learned something, you spend
some time in learning something, maybe that is not used at that particular point of time, but a
time will come and you will be grateful that you did learn that subject or that language. So how
do we relate that to our course and learning this English Skills, learning language. So, learn as
much as possible with regard to the language, and you will realize that you will be able to use it
at an appropriate time. The other interesting point is that, the way the course has been given to
you using this massive online open course program through videos.
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So, we are able to remove all the class boundaries, we are not sitting within the four walls and
then you are not coming to the classroom at a particular time, but you are able to get the benefit
of a lecture anytime that you want. So, you just download, and you are watching it, the time that
you want. Some of you are watching it early in the morning, some of you are watching it late at
night, some of you are watching just during afternoon and some of you are watching only during
weekends, that is fine.
But, any time, the time is at your disposal. You are not going to a school or a college when the
bell rings you are afraid that you should be inside the class and from anyone you can, so if you
don’t like this video you have an option to go to some other course, do that, anyone that is
possible for you, you can learn from anybody. So, this aim of MOOC course itself, is to enable
you to learn anywhere from the country, anywhere from the world, anytime that you want from
anybody that you want.
So, it just completely removes the barriers, in terms of vaults, in terms of human person in
specific, a particular teacher. So, here you have huge choice. Now, when this much choice is
given to you, it’s important that, you try to gain as much as possible from these courses. Try to
accumulate as many certificates as possible. Although, I used to tell that mere accumulation is
not going to give you the wisdom.
But, having said that, this, the process that is involved in accumulating this, the assignments that
you do, the discussions that you have in the forum, the kind of mindset that is undergoing a
transformation from a very rigid mindset to an open and a growth mindset. So, this is more
important that is happening in the accumulation. That is why I say, even accumulating is not a
bad idea.
As long as you enjoy the process of accumulation and will be grateful you did, because as time
goes by, you will realize that your motivation is getting reduced, your willpower is getting
reduced, your determination is getting reduced, and you will be very grateful that actually you
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did something when you actually could. So, with this note, I will just tell you that keep going to
the references that I have given you, particularly the book by Dr. Saumya Sharma.
From the book, I have been quoting profusely by taking permission from the author; Common
Errors in English is the book and as I said it is very cheap, I am just getting selected examples
but there is plenty in the book and then I am just trying to highlight the most important one, but
just working out the entire book will make you much better, which like is not the main objective
of the course. So, this is one part of the course that we are doing, so I cannot like, there will be a
complete course otherwise on English Skills, which I may do at a later stage, but not at this
stage. So, here the primary goal is Soft Skills and within it is important we should know some
Common Errors, and, in that context, we are working on some of these books and examples.
So, I hope you will be able to work out these 20 sentences and then you will come out with the
answers, will check those answers and your score in the next video. Until then, thank you for
watching this video, have a nice day, bye for now, see you again in the next video.
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Course Title
Lecture - 24
by…
Hello, everyone! Welcome back to NPTEL MOOC’s Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. I
am Ravichandran from the Department of Humanities and Social Sciences, IIT Kanpur.
I have been giving you this course now, for the past 5 weeks. This is the fifth week and the
fourth unit, English Skills-4 is still going on and we are still in the concept of Common Error and
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this is the fourth lesson and on total this will be the 24th lesson, overall as far as the course is
concerned.
In the last class, in the last lesson, you checked your score for 20 commonly confused words and
learnt about the correct usage of the following words, how they should be used, in appropriate
context: older/elder; sister-in-laws, I am giving the wrong one on the left side and right on the
right side or you can see the first one is, usually the wrong one and the second of the pair is the
right one, sister-in-laws/sisters-in-law correct one, grown-up/grown; has married with/is married
to; home/house; now here it depends on the use, whether you are referring to the family with
emotional content then it is home, whether it is just the building it is house.
Lives in abroad – wrong; lives abroad - right, brought up in a joint family, joint family is an
Indianism, you need to say I have been brought up with my extended-family, even in an
extended family is not exactly correct, you can say: I have been brought up with my extended
family, extended family is what you mean by join family, but join family is typical Indianism
which you should avoid. Common between us/common; so, between us is redundant extra it can
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be removed, relations/relationship; aged/elderly; aged is indicating slightly negative connotation
of weakness, elderly is more decent.
Dream to visit/dream of visiting because dream of is a fixed phrase; please excuse me, only
when you have to interfere somebody in the work, otherwise normally minor slips and errors it is
I am sorry, going in/good at; depending on the context, you need to use them, many times, when
you have to say in terms of number, otherwise it is very often; last to last is not correct, the year
before last is the correct form. Today morning is not right, this morning; after a week when you
want to say in a week’s time; didn’t had this past immediately following did form is not correct,
it should be always present form.
Didn’t have and between since/for; since indicates a beginning and that has been continuing for
quite some time; for is, for a duration of time and before and ago depending on the context and
we found examples as how you can use them. Now, to test your English further, I give you 20
more commonly misused words, expressions in everyday usage in the previous lesson. Now, we
look about the corrected usage of those expressions first and then again, I leave you with another
20 commonly misused words and our expressions.
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Now, check your answers. I hope you have noted down all your previous answers and give one
for the right answer and zero for the wrong answer and explanation is given very quickly, briefly,
and at the end of it, I am going to give you another set of 20 commonly misused words. Now in
the previous one, give the correct form of the underlined words, the first one is the wrong one. I
passed out in 2014 from my university; passed out is wrong because, to pass out means to
become unconscious, to faint. So, those days in the Victorian culture, ladies used to pass out
even at the sight of blood, okay, they were fainting, just they were so delicate and tender.
But, when you want to say, that you graduated, say you graduated, that you completed your
degree. I graduated in 2014 from my university. Second one, I couldn’t catch my teacher’s
English at all, catch is typical North Indian usage, especially, the speakers of Hindi they use this.
The correct form for catch is understand. I couldn’t understand my teacher’s English at all. To
use catch in place of understand is to translate directly from the Hindi pakadna. Now, this is
wrong usage, so this is the problem that happens when you try to literally translate one word,
group of words or vocabulary in a language to other language or the sentence structure or the
grammatical pattern in a language into another language.
You cannot literally translate, so you have to be very careful. You need to think in that language,
if you want to speak English, if you want to correct your English Skills so you need to watch
how these native speakers are speaking and then you need to correct your own speaking style.
Third one, I want to learn English to go ahead in my career, go ahead is wrong usage, the correct
usage is to get ahead, explanation if you want to progress with your job or studies you want to
get ahead in your job or you want to get ahead in your career, you want to get ahead in your
studies and not go ahead.
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Let us look at the next one, I hope you are ticking, giving one mark for the right answer and zero
for the wrong answer. Fourth one, Please write your name on the top of the answer script. Now
this is a common error even committed by most of the teachers, especially when they warn the
students at the end of the exam or an assignment or a test or a quiz to write the name on the top,
but on the top is again wrong expression, you always right at the top of the sheets, at the top of
pieces of paper so you should not use on, the correct form is: Please write your name at the top
of the answer script.
Fifth one, I’ll call you again in twenty minutes. Again, a common error, committed typically by
Indian speakers, you call back (NOT called somebody again) when you want to say you will
phone someone later on. Correct form: I’ll call you back in twenty minutes. So, call you back.
Similarly, use of in front of, when you actually mean opposite, so the wrong form is: The bus
stop is in front of my house. where you can say correctly as, The bus stop is opposite my house.
So, if there is a bus stop or a theater or any other landmark on the other side of the building, use
opposite, not in front of.
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The next one is also very important and very commonly misused word that is, climate, when you
actually want to say weather, so when you say: The climate in Delhi is quite humid this month.
When you are referring to a short period, short location, it is wrong usage. The correct usage is:
The weather in Delhi is quite humid this month. Climate is used to refer to typical weather
conditions over large regions, especially for some long period of time, example, tropical climate.
For local conditions, use weather. So, when you get up and then find that the morning wind is
very pleasant and then slightly chill and then you enjoy the morning wind conditions and the
atmospheric conditions, you should not say the climate is very pleasant, you need to say the
weather is very pleasant. The climate is beautiful is wrong. The weather is beautiful, the weather
is pleasant usually. So, most of the times when you feel locally and for a short duration, you
should not use climate, you should use weather and we hear people saying for any quick
changing weather conditions, using the word climate, okay. So, climate you can remember
something for a long period of time, in terms of winter, summer, autumn, so these are long
prevailing weather conditions and especially over large regions, so then you call that as climate.
Next one: I’m coming from India. Wrong usage, you can either say I’m from India or I come
from India. The reason is, when talking about a country, use the simple present and not the
present continuous tense. So simple present is, I come from India or I’m from India, present
continuous: am coming. So that is present continuous form you should not use it. The next one,
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Nainital is about 6,000 feet over sea level. Now, this is about the use of the word over and above,
the correct answer is: Nainital is about 6,000 feet above sea level. The explanation to talk of
things that are at higher level we use above, not over, okay.
Now, the next is also similar example, I put a plastic cover above the sofa, is wrong for the same
reason, that we discussed before. It should be, I put a plastic cover over the sofa or on top of the
sofa, now over or on top of, is used when one thing touches or covers another. In 11, the first one
that is given is wrong: The earthquake, that shook Latur, was 8.5 on the Richter scale. Now, why
that is wrong here and the correct answer is: The earthquake, which shook Latur, was 8.5 on the
Richter scale. This is with regard to use of which and that, and the next sentence is also
following the same logic.
Which and that can both be used to give information in sentences. Which is used in non-defining
clauses, that means, they don’t define, they elaborate, they expand, they give added information,
where the extra information is put within commas, so you can understand normally when which
comes, it’s either added by a preceding comma or put within two commas and you try to
elaborate and very often when you remove the thing that comes with which, then also the
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sentence will make some sense. Look at the next one: The judges gave awards to all poems
which showed originality. Now, if you use which and if you go strictly by the rule, if you put a
comma after all poems, the judges gave awards to all poems, like on what basis, so that basis
cannot be separated or elaborated by use of a comma and which, that is appropriate here and
when you say: The judges gave awards to all poems that showed originality. Now that here is
used as defining clause and generally it is used in defining clauses, where the extra information
is essential to the sentence and is not in commas.
Now, 13, is introducing as the term “Collocation” in terms of English usage. What is
Collocation? “Collocation” refers to the pairing of particular words by the native speakers, so the
native speakers, put two words together, are they somehow decided not by grammatical rules but
by convention or repeated use. They make it a convention that, one word will go with the other
word or preposition only. There is a word like concomitant, so it goes normally with two or with,
so you will not have concomitant by, concomitant for, so that goes by convention, it is a
collocation, so even grammatically you cannot reason out why it is happening like that. Example,
We get ready, not become ready. You can never say become ready soon, get ready soon.
Similarly, lacks confidence, not lack in confidence, okay, just lacks confidence. Next one, Where
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is my belongings? is wrong. The correct form is: Where are my belongings? The reason is, some
nouns such as premises, belongings, earnings, goods, riches are plural in form and are followed
by a plural verb. So, belongings considered plural, so are the plural form of the verb should be
used.
15, is related to use of article: Please give me blue pen. Now, when the person is requesting you
to give blue pen, the person is implying, give me any blue pen that you have, not specifically
asking about a particular one. When any is coming in the sense of asking something, use the
article a, so please give me a blue pen, so it means, like, it can be any blue pen, but give me one
and I am not specifying any particular blue pen.
If it is a particular pen, then the article, ‘the’ will be used. Example, The blue pen gifted by you
got stolen. Now here, ‘the’ refers to the bluepen that was gifted by a particular person to another
particular person, which was actually stolen by somebody. So here, the pen is specified.
16, Again with regard to use of articles, between choice between a and an, I hope you know that
a and an are used based on the pronunciation of the word after them, and not their spelling. So, it
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generally said that it follows the vowel sounds, okay, which means not the letters, so here if you
look at it, the wrong sentence is, He is a honest police officer. The word honest begins with a
vowel sound because the sound of the letter (h is silent), therefore it is pronounced honest and an
is used, He is an honest police officer.
17, Question form and use of this model verbs in question form as a request; Will I drop you to
the station? wrong way of asking, it should be: Can I drop you to the station? Should I drop you
to the station? Shall I drop you to the station? Now, can, could, shall, should and would are all
used to offer help, would you mind be doing this, okay, when you offer help, but not will, will is
not used when you are offering help.
18, another interesting, confusing word, that is the confusion happens between, use of despite
and in spite of, the wrong sentence here is: Despite of leaving station she had made all the
arrangements for the conference. This can be corrected in two ways, 1. Despite leaving station or
in spite of leaving station she had made all the arrangements for the conference, both despite and
in spite of show contrast, but despite is not followed by of, should always remember despite
without of, in spite of, has of. The last two ones, I hope you are checking it properly.
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19. You can travel on bus to reach Dehradun. You can travel by bus to reach Dehradun is the
correct form, on is wrong. Generally, you go by car, by plane, by bus and on foot so on is used
only before foot, but otherwise by indicates that you are using bus or car or plane as the medium
of your transport. The last one, wrong form; You were talking to Rajesh? the right form, Where
you talking to Rajesh? Explanation: In questions where the answer is a yes or no begin with the
auxiliary verb, here what is the auxiliary verb? (“were”) + subject here it is (“you”) + main verb
(“talking”), okay. So, remember this, I hope you have checked the answers. Now quickly, make
a total.
And then, let us check your score, as in the previous case, if you are 20: you are Outstanding, if
you have got 18 or 19: Excellent score, if it is 15 to 17: Very Good, if it is 12 to 14: Good 10 to
11: is Fair, 8 to 9: is Average, 6 to 8: is Below Average, 4 to 7: is Poor and 0 to 3 is Very Poor. I
hope, like nobody is even below the range of good, you can share your scores in the forums so
that we know where you stand. But, as I said, there is always scope for improving, whether you
are zero to three Very Poor or whether you are even, if you are 20 Outstanding, because I am
giving you simple examples very representative examples. But English is a very vast language,
which has vocabulary from almost all the languages of the world. So, there is no limit as far as
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you are learning is concerned, even if you have got 20 and even if you have got a low score, just
be humble and work hard and keep improving. We persistent and determined and your English
skills will definitely improve. Let us test your English with the next 20 sentences, which are
incorrect.
The underlined ones are incorrect, and you need to give the correct form of the underlined
words: First one, The audience has decided the fate of the film. Underlined words has decided.
Second, Bread and butter are tasty. Underlined word are. The milk are sour. Underlined word
are, 4. This sack of rice are spoilt. Underlined word are, 5. Either her mother or my sisters is
singing tonight. Underline word is. 6. He went along with their uncle to buy a new car. Underline
word there. 7. She is a comma as well as her friend, now when it is separated by two commas
you can understand it is a parenthetical expression that means, you can assume it is kept within
two brackets, okay. She, as well as a friend, want to visit the flower exhibition. Want is the
underlying word. 8. They have received no informations. Informations, is the underlying word,
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9. Politics are not meant for him, are is the underlying word. Then, the new machineries are yet
to be installed, are again is the underlined word.
Let us look at the next ten sets of incorrect expressions, in sentences, in terms of testing your
English. 11th one, this is a very common one, which most of you use and very frequently. He is
my cousin brother. Underlying the words, cousin brother. 12. This also commonly used,
confused expression. She has a two-thousand rupees note. Underlined word rupees. He leaves his
quarter at 8.00 a.m. underlined word quarter. Kanpur, sentence 14. Kanpur is one of highly
polluted city in the world. I have underlined two sets of words, one of as well as city, because
you have to see them together and then enough clue I have given for you to identify the correct
one. 15. Similar to the previous one, One of my students have sung well in this competition.
Underlined words, one of and have, 16. I have planted roses at the back side of my house.
Underlined words back side. 17. Although he is eighty years old, he does not wear spectacle.
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Underlined word spectacle. 18. You will need scissor for cutting this material. Underlined word
scissor.
19. I will need new trouser to go to college. Underlined word trouser. 20. The last one: Her hairs
are black and beautiful. Underlined word hairs. Check your English, test it, look for doubtful
words using the dictionary, you can Google most of the answers, but, I would say like first look
for your spontaneous responses and then check your score and then go for identifying the correct
form and be ready for the next video when I discuss this.
Let me wind up this, with another interesting thought from Dale Carnegie. Dale Carnegie, uses
this in terms of becoming a very efficient public speaker. Let us first look at that, and then let me
try to see how it is related to our discussion about improving your English Skills, quote unquote
from Dale Carnegie.
“Your purpose is to make your audience see what you saw, hear what you heard, feel what you
felt. Relevant detail, couched in concrete, colorful language, is the best way to recreate the
incident as it happened and to picture it for the audience.” You know Dale Carnegie, is trying to
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tell you, how you can impress your audience, whether it is an impromptu speech, or a big speech
how can you actually impress them, how can you make your speech very effective.
So, the highlighted part here, which is saying by implication is that, your language word choice
is of utmost importance if you want to really cost effectiveness in terms of delivering your
speech. So, he says that you need to make your audience suppose you are reporting something,
you are reporting an accident, you are reporting a beautiful scenery, you have to tell them what
you saw, what you heard, how you felt during that one, to do that, you need to give the relevant
detail in very appropriate words, colorful language, to do that you need to be precise, you need to
exactly know whether you are using the right word or the wrong word. Once you know that you
are using the right word, your confidence level will increase, your speech will automatically
become fluent, as well as effective in terms of communication. So, that is the aim of creating an
awareness in terms of common errors and overall to improve your English Skills. So, I hope you
have purchased the book by Saumya Sharma, Common Errors in English.
And as I said, it is easily available in the market as well as on online sources like, Amazon or
Flipkart. So, you just work out the entire book, so that will give you lot of confidence,
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confidence is as I have been telling whether you are using language to develop it, whether you
are stopping, controlling your bad habits, and then forming new habits and then developing
confidence, so in whatever way you develop your confidence is going to add up to your
personality, it is going to give that extra shine. So, with this thought, let me wish you all the best
in all your endeavors, wishing you a very wonderful day and thank you so much for watching
this video, let me get back to you in the next one and that will be the last one in terms of English
Skills. Thanks again.
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Course Title
Lecture - 25
English Skills – 5: Common Errors – 5
by…
Hello everyone! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
I am Ravichandran, giving you this course through NPTEL MOOC platform, from the
Department of Humanities and Social Sciences, IIT Kanpur. We are on lesson number 25. 25 is a
good number, so like we have almost covered about 25 lessons, the major portion of this course
and this is the last unit, unit number five of fifth week and this will be the concluding lesson on
English Skills. This is the fifth one and for Common Errors, this is also the fifth one.
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Now, in the concluding one, I am just going to leave you with some examples to sort out, but
before I go to that stage, like what I did in the last one, I will go to the highlights, as well as
discuss the answers. Let’s check your score and then look at some new examples.
In the last lesson, you checked your scores for twenty commonly confused words and learnt
about the correct usage of the following words: passed out vis-a-vis graduated; catch is Indian
usage/understand is the right one; go ahead/get ahead; on the top of/at the top of is the current
form; call you again/call you back is the correct form; in front of/opposite is appropriate; above
you can use either over or on top of; the usage of that and which was also discussed; lacks in
wrong usage/lacks is the correct one. Whether you have to use is/are in terms of belongings was
also discussed. And with regard to the use of article blue pen/a blue pen; a blue pen is the correct
form; and similarly, whether it is a or an honest; it is an honest, because a is silent here. Choice
of will or can in terms of dropping somebody, giving some help, offering to help somebody, so
can and should or normally the forms which are preferred compared to will and the wrong usage
of despite off, so which should be corrected as despite or in spite of.
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To test your English further, I gave you 20 more commonly misused words, expressions in
everyday usage. Now, we will learn above the correct usage of them in this lesson. Let’s look at
the wrong ones and then the right one, with the explanation. The wrong form that was given in
the last one, the first one was this.
The audience has decided the fate of the film. Here, audience is used as many people, so it
should be in plural form, have decided the fate of the film is the correct form, correct answer.
Explanation: Collective nouns such as association, audience, committee, family, government,
staff, department, team, etc., can be treated as both singular and plural, depending on the context.
Look at for example the word staff. If I say the staff are on vacation. I refer to all the staff of my
department, my company, maybe 30 people, 300 people. It refers to all of them are on vacation.
So, the plural form is indicating I am referring to all in general. But, if I refer to one of the staff, I
would say she is a new staff indicating that she is one of the staff. Again, you say, I am not using
staff, one of the staffs is again wrong usage, staff is always used for both singular as well as
plural form.
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Let us look at the second example, which looks very interesting. The wrong usage is saying:
Bread and butter are tasty because bread and butter, just like fish and chips, and similar phrases,
are considered fixed expressions, in the sense like, we use both of them together and as a kind of
single subject, if I say bread and butter is my breakfast, idli and sambar is what I like so much.
So now although, it is separated by ‘and’ and the logical way of looking at it when it is
connected by and we generally think that, one and one is two so plural but here, one and one is
treated single because they give the single sense of one subject, that is, generally eaten up for
breakfast. So, when you treat that as a singular entity, the correct form is bread and butter is
tasty. So, if two subjects refer to the same person or thing, and are joined by an conjunction and,
then the verb used is singular. Other phrases such as one hundred meters, fifty kilograms, etc.,
are also treated as one entity even though they end in plurals okay like meters and kilograms.
Look at the next example: The milk are sour, wrong usage. Correct form is: The milk is sour.
Reason, uncountable nouns such as, water, coffee, cheese, sand, information, advice take a
singular verb because we cannot divide them into separate elements and count them, unless you
refer to quantities of them like gallons of water, cheese bar, so I can say 10 cheese bars or 10
pieces of cheese, 10 cups of coffee not coffees. So, since we cannot divide them into separate
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elements and count them you cannot use plural form of the verb, here “Milk” itself cannot be
counted, though, we can count milk in terms of bottles of milk/liters of milk only in that sense
then the verb will be plural in form but, when you use milk in general it takes singular verb so
milk is sour.
Similarly, the next one: This sack of rice are spoilt is wrong, for the same reason as above, This
sack of rice is spoilt again. Uncountable nouns as it has been said before, take a singular verb,
and rice is uncountable. Rice like wheat is uncountable. So, it is wrong to say, I eat a rice for
lunch, but it’s right if you say, I eat rice for lunch and if you want to indicate quantity, so then
you can say ‘5 kilograms of rice’, ‘6 grains of wheat’, ‘4 bowls of rice’. So, now you are
indicating the quantity of the food item, so then the verb will be plural, otherwise when you refer
to that as uncountable noun in a general sense, it takes a singular verb. Look at the next example,
it’s with regard to either or as well as neither nor also takes similar usage in terms of using
subject in agreement with the verb. The wrong usage is given first: Either her mother or my
sisters is singing tonight.
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Now, it looks like either her mother is the subject, so is should agree with that but the correct
answer is: Either her mother or my sisters are singing tonight because, with either-or or neither-
nor, the work takes the singular or plural form depending upon the subject closest to the verb
which means, when there are two different subjects in singular or plural form, like in this case,
her mother is singular, my sisters are in plural form, then, the verb takes the one that is closest
here the closest one is sisters. So, ‘is’ is wrong, so it takes ‘are’.
Look at the next one: He went along with their uncle to buy a new car. Again, mostly Indianism,
where is your father they have come. So, using plural noun, for a singular subject. Here, the
correct form is; He went along with his uncle to buy a new car and when along with this used,
the verb is singular or plural based on whether the subject is singular or plural, respectively.
Now, here if you look at the pronoun choice further, his should always be determined by the
preceding now (“he”) which means whatever pronoun that you are planning to use should go
with the noun that has preceded, if you change the pronoun wrongly, you will be committing the
error of noun, pronoun disagreement. So, the pronoun is not agreeing with noun, so he/his, she/
her, they/them or they/their depending on the context.
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Let’s go to the seventh one, 7. She, as well as a friend, so kept in parentheses want to visit the
flower exhibition. This is wrong usage. Correct form: She, as well as her friend, wants to visit
the flower exhibition. Explanation: Phrases like together with, and as well as do not change the
number of the subject. When you have together with, as well as, they are like parenthetical
expressions, they are functioning as if they are within brackets and additional information has
been provided here. So the main subject “she” will agree with the verb “wants” not want, so if
the subject is singular here it is (“she”), singular the verb takes its corresponding form, singular
form, that is (“wants”) and vice versa, that is if the subject is plural, suppose it is they, so as well
as her friend, their friend, then the subject will be plural and it can be want here and the subject is
singular, so then it should be singular verb.
Eighth one, this is with regard, to using again uncountable nouns, such as “information” wrong
sentence, is what is shown at the top. Eighth one, They have received no informations; wrong to
use informations, right form: They have received no information. The word “information” is
uncountable, hence, there is no plural form of it. however, if you want to indicate one particular
piece of it, so then you may say as in the given example here; She gave an interesting piece of
information; an interesting piece of information, so piece of information, to pieces of information
okay, so there you can indicate how many of the information that you got okay, when you use
piece of.
9. Again, similar to the previous discussions but then here it is a special word politics, wrong
usage. Thinking that politics is in plural form and then if you use are; Politics are not meant for
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him is wrong. Politics is treated as a singular subject, is not meant for him is the correct form,
because nouns such as politics, ethics, news, alms, Physics, Mathematics, Dynamics are plural in
form when you look at it, it has yes, so it is indicating that it looks plural in form, but are used as
singular, hence, they take singular verbs.
Let’s go to the next one, tenth one, the wrong form is; The new machineries are yet to be
installed, correct form; The new machinery is yet to be installed. The word machinery does not
have a plural form so, when you look at previous one like politics, Physics they are always plural
in form, but take a singular one, here machinery is not in plural form, just like furniture it is
uncountable and takes a singular verb. 11, is a very typical interesting Indian English example,
He is my cousin brother.
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Cousin brother/cousin sister so here we want to show the gender, thinking that cousin does not
have this. The correct form is; He is my cousin because, he the pronoun itself is indicating the
gender. As I said, use of cousin brother/cousin sister is another Indianism. Cousin is a gender-
less word. Here, He indicates the gender, hence, use of brother is not required. Similarly, you
may say she is my cousin, not cousin sister, which is again a wrong usage. In the Western
context, however, the difference in sex is indicated by adding a name so they would rather
introduced as: my cousin Josephine; my cousin John, so you understand that this a female cousin
and this is a male cousin. In fact, some people try to show the discrimination by using this
expression: female cousin or male cousin.
Next example is equally interesting: She has a two-thousand-rupees note. The correct form is;
She has a two-thousand-rupee note. You may think that, why not rupees when it is two thousand
big number, it is not one, the explanation is this; When a noun such as rupees comes in the
adjectival position, so now if you look at the noun, it’s trying to function like an adjective in a
compound word, the compound word is indicated by the hyphen, which are connecting three
words here, two-thousand-rupees, then it should be used in a singular form because it is
functioning like an adjective in its compound form and trying to describe the note. We have
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plenty of other examples like, a three-hour drama which means a drama that lasted for three
hours, a ten-year project again it implies a project that will last for ten years.
So, when you expand it, it will take the plural form ten years, but when you use ten-year in the
adjectival position to describe the noun so then it will be in singular form. Similarly, the most
interesting example, those who play cricket or watch cricket or fond of cricket remember this, a
three-day match, but actually it means a match lasting for three days or a match of three days.
So, if you remember this, you will be able to speak correctly in terms of nouns which are used as
in compound form and function as adjectives.
Next one, the wrong way to say is; He leaves this quarter at 8:00 a.m. The correct way to say the
same thing is; He leaves his quarters at 8:00a.m. What is the difference between these two?
“Quarter” is one-fourth or twenty-five percent of something. Whereas, “quarters” refers to
housing accommodations, the buildings where people reside, so when I say “quarters,” I refer to
my house, but when I say quarter I refer to one-fourth quantity of something.
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So, understand this difference, do not confuse between these two. And the next two were with
regard to another interesting usage of “one of”. Wrong expression; Kanpur is one of the highly
polluted city in the world. Correct form; Kanpur is one of the highly polluted cities in the world.
What is the logic here? The noun following the phrase “one of”, “one of the” always is a plural
noun. So, you always refer to one of many things, but the common error committed by especially
Asians, south Asians is that, one off and then the user singular noun, thinking that one of his
singular. But, one of is indicating, one example of many cities in this case. So, hence, the correct
form is cities. Look at the next one, which is similar. 15. One of my students have sung well in
this competition. One of my students have sung well in this competition. Why it is wrong
because “one of” agrees with the singular verb has, so the correct form is; One of my students
has sung well in this competition. The subject “one of” is singular, hence, it will take a singular
verb. In case you use “some of”, “many of” so then the plural form ‘have’ will be used. So, if
you say some of my students, then it is; Some of my students have sung well in the competition.
16. Again with regard to, using back and backside. I have planted roses at the back side of my
house, is wrong and the correct form is; I have planted roses at the back of my house.
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What is the reason? Back side especially (in Western context) refers to the rear or back part of a
person so what we call as buttocks. But back means the part of opposite to or farthest from the
front. So, when you are writing on a piece of paper and you are asked to write on the back, it
exactly means front side, back side, page number 1, 2. Two is the back side, when you are
writing on page one. But, if you want to use other words, back side is wrong. You can say
reverse of the paper or the other side of the paper. When you use back side, it indicates
something else; and it is redundant to use side there. 17. Although, he is eighty years old, he does
not wear spectacle. Now, spectacle is wrong usage here, when what is meant is spectacles.
Otherwise spectacles simply means a show. Here, Although he is eighty years old, he does not
wear spectacles is the correct form. Spectacles, like shoes and socks are always used in the
plural.
18. Similar to the use of spectacle, here the word scissor, is used wrongly. You will need scissor
for cutting this material; wrong usage. Correct form; You will need scissors for cutting this
material. Scissors, like shears and fetters are always use in the plural.
19. I will need new trouser to go to college; trouser similar to previous expressions is wrong
here. I will need new trousers to go to college. So, trousers, like stockings, pants and pyjamas are
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always used in the plural form. So, a pair of trousers, a pair of scissors, the last one again a very
interesting example; Her hairs are black and beautiful; hairs wrong usage, so the verb also is
used wrongly here, correct usage; Her hair is black and beautiful. Now, what about this word
hair? Hair is normally uncountable, so it is not used in the plural. When it is viewed as a mass as
in the above example, then it takes a singular verb. Occasionally, hairs is used to indicate the
number when it is considered plural as in the sentence: I found two long hairs in my soup!, okay.
But generally, you remember hair usually used to indicate the mass, so you go for haircut not for
hairs cut, okay. So, then it is taking a singular form of the word.
Now check your answers very quickly, give the score and let us check your score, see where you
stand. So, if you are 20 out of 20 so you are Outstanding, if you have got18 or 19 your score is
Excellent, if it is between 15 and 17 it is Very Good, between12 and 15 is Good, 10 to 11 is Fair,
8 to 9 is Average, 6 to 8 is Below Average, 4 to 7 is Poor and 0 to 3 is Very Poor. Again, as I
said, so you should not be disheartened if you are in the range of below average. And you should
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not get carried away if you are at the range of excellent, outstanding because in both cases there
is room for improvement.
Now, I am going to conclude this entire module on English Skills with specific focus on
Common Errors, with the thought that I started with, that at least it is important that you identify
the common errors and try to correct them if you are not able to speak like a native speaker.
Functionally, even if you are able to correct the Common Errors, will be improving your soft
skills to a great extent.
So, I am going to leave you with some more examples for improving your English usage, but,
this time I am not going to spend time on explanation, I am going to give two internet sites at the
end and then there are two reference books which I have been discussing in the previous videos
also, I want you to find out the explanations yourself, so that you remember why you should be
used in this way and even if you go to the sites which, which I have referred to, they give
appropriate explanations.
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So, on the left side in the table that I am presenting before you, I have kept all incorrect
sentences, on the right side you have correct forms. So, I will read the incorrect one first, and
then go to the correct one. She is taller than me; She is taller than I, is the correct form. I and she
are enemies, wrong form. Correct form; She and I are enemies; wrong form. She enjoyed during
vacation, correct form; She enjoyed herself during vacation, wrong usage. One should achieve
his goals, correct form; One should achieve one’s goals, very commonly and wrongly used form;
Your’s sincerely, correct form: Yours sincerely without that apostrophe (’).
Wrong way of asking, Whom do you think is the culprit? Correct way, Who do you think is the
culprit? Wrong usage; She works hardly for her promotion. Especially, when you want to
indicate somebody who is working very hard, the correct form is: She works hard for her
promotion. Hardly, I am giving a quick explanation so that you don’t get confused here. Hardly
means, hardly ever, not at all, rarely. So, when you say she works hardly for her promotion, it
means, she is not working at all, is giving a negative connotation. If you really mean that she is
working very hard, then she should say; She works hard for her promotion. And the next one, in
terms of comparative if you say, and superlative if you say, Sudha is worst than her husband is
wrong. Sudha is worse than her husband. It is between superlative and comparative degree. Next
one, Yours affectionate daughter; the correct form is: Your affectionate daughter. Wrong usage;
He prefers coffee than tea. Correct usage: He prefers coffee to tea. Wrong usage; with regard to
article, Himalayas look splendid! Correct form: The Himalayas look splendid! Let us look at
some more examples.

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Incorrect form: The gold is a noble metal. Correct form: Gold is a noble metal. Ganges is a holy
river. The Ganges is a holy river. He left drinking long ago; wrong form. Correct form: He gave
up drinking long ago. Wrong way to present this idea; The teacher asked to Ramu why he is late.
Correct way to present the idea; The teacher asked Ramu why he was late. Again, wrong way to
represent pain or ache with related to body parts; My stomach is paining I have pain in my
stomach. My head is aching. I have a headache .
Wrong usage of invented in the given example: Columbus invented America. Correct usage:
Columbus discovered America. You discover something that is already there, you invent
something that is new. You need to give a test in English. Correct way to say this is: You need to
take a test in English. Please open the tap. It’s not opening, Please turn on the tap. Two lakhs are
a big amount. Two lakhs is a big amount.
Some more examples.
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This mango is too sour. Correct form: This mango is very sour. I searched the pen everywhere. I
searched for the pen everywhere. She congratulated him for his achievement. It’s wrong: She
congratulated him on his achievement. I am answerable for the boss. Wrong usage: I am
answerable to the boss, correct usage; The man is a social animal, wrong usage. Man is a social
animal, correct usage. You will need a umbrella, wrong form. With regard to using articles, with
regard to nouns, correct form: You will need an umbrella.
Next one, use of again article with regard to books or great epics which are known to us. Bible,
Gita and Koran spread universal love and brotherhood. Correct form: The Bible, The Gita and
The Koran spread universal love and brotherhood. She is going to an university. She is going to a
university. Many lifes, the spelling should be noted here, life; people think the plural form is
lifes. So, Many lives were lost in the train accident, the correct plural form is lives, so many lives
were lost in the train accident.
Now, these are as I said some teasers, so just to cause an awareness in you about the commonly
committed mistakes with regard to the use of English Language. However, this just a very
humble beginning, in terms of your long journey towards developing your English Skills and
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developing, enhancing your Soft Skills and Personality. So, this is like a slice of the cake that I
have presented before you, you need to practice, you need to improve by observation, by more
than observation going and checking to sites on the net, checking, referring to the dictionary
frequently, and then before I give you two interesting sites, I just want you to take some
important messages from two interesting quotes, from again two significant personalities. The
first one is, from Mark Twain, who says “I know grammar by ear only, not by note, not by the
rules.”
He is a very famous novelist, and then he says that, my knowledge of the grammar is by ear only.
What he says that, I have been a very keen observer and then I listen to people and then I
internalized the functions of grammar, the rules, not by reading it from books, not by noting it on
notebooks, not by mugging up rules, but only by listening to people who are speaking good
English and that is how I developed my grammar. So, what is the message he is trying to give
you, although, on the one hand I am saying that, it is important to know the rules, to play with
the rules and break them. On the other hand, you need not learn the rules by going to some
grammar book and mugging up and memorizing them, but as Mark Twain points out, even if you
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watch good examples, like news channels, okay, standard news channels and then eminent
speakers, so, if you observe and then just let that get into you through your ears, okay.
So, then also you can internalize, and keep them with you. Look at the next one, from Richard
Branson, he says, “You don’t learn to walk by following rules.” Again, it is similar to what Mark
Twain, says, he says that if you follow rules, if they give you in a rulebook by saying that you
have to get up like, you have to hold like this, you have to walk like this, so you will not learn
how to walk. If you remember, how you started walking from crawling stage, so you never
followed any rules and that is what he says: “You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You
learn by doing and falling over”. You do it, you experience it and then you fail numerous times,
falling over, you fall over again and again, and then get up and then walk and then get up and
walk and then you learn how to walk properly. So, developing any language skills and in
particular, with regard to English Language Learning Skills, rules are important. But you should
not feel bogged down, by the thinking that you should learn from some books, you don’t know
anything. But eminent writers and great thinkers, like the quotes which I have given you, they
are telling you that just learn through experience okay.
And do not be afraid of making mistakes, you correct yourself only when you realize that you
have made some mistakes. So, with that message, I would like you to go to two interesting sites
which are available for developing your English Skills freely and are very useful.

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The first one is, dailywritingtips.com, so they generally deal with confused words, confused
expressions, and how to improve your writing skills in general. In fact, if you subscribe and give
your email id, every day they will give you one interesting, confusing words or one interesting
discussion on writing or generally about developing your English Skills.
The second one is similar to this. But you go to the site and then practice your English. So the
name of the site itself is, englishpractice.com so, the link that I have given under topics, common
mistakes, if you go more than what I have discussed here or listed there and then every time you
feel bored or you are more interested in developing English Skills, either way just go to the site
and then make it a habit, learn at least four, five common mistakes, okay, and try not to commit
them in your day-to-day life, of course the other two books which I mentioned. So, you can
collect them.
I hope some of you have at least purchased the last-mentioned one by Saumya Sharma, that is
Common Errors in English, which is available for a very low price 180 rupees only and it has
more examples again than, what I discussed here. So, we are concluding this module, this week,
which we spend so much time on English Skills and Common Errors. So, I thank you for being
with me for this complete one-week journey, in terms of making you help correct your Common
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Errors. As I said, this is just a step and the journey is quite long, but it is rewarding at the end of
the journey. Wish you all luck and wish you all the best in your journey. Thank you so much for
watching this video.
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Course Title
Lecture - 26
Significance of Humour in Communication
by…
Hello! everyone. Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. I am
Ravichandran giving you this course, from NPTEL MOOC, at IIT Kanpur. This is the sixth week
and the first unit of sixth week, and on the whole, this is lesson number 26. Now, at this point, I
thought, I should introduce to you a very interesting topic, and a very relevant one, and a very
Beneficial one, that is Significance of Humour in Communication. So, in this unit, in this
module, that begins with the lecture on the Significance of Humour. So, we will look at like why
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humour and what are the benefits and how effectively can we use Humour in Communication,
and before we start, I just wanted to let you know what we did in the last lecture.
Highlights of the last lesson: In the last lesson, you checked your score for 20 commonly
confused words and then learnt about the correct usage for 30 more words, okay. But the most
important of all, I concluded by motivating you to continue trying more and more sentences,
learn more rules, break them, commit mistakes and then learn from the mistakes.
In order to improve your English, further I gave you two web links: One on daily writing tips, the
other one on English practice. I hope you are making a regular visit to these sites and I hope
some of you have subscribed to daily writing tips, because they will email you, if you have
subscribed each day at least one confused, misused pair of words or sometimes they will email
you about grammar tips, which will help you develop your communication in terms of English
language skills in a very effective manner.
So, as I said, I can always show you some path, as it is said in the English proverb. You can take
a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink, so the thirst is something that I can create, but
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it is up to you to continue in that path and develop and enhance your skills further. Now, in this
unit, as you are progressing in your soft skills as you are progressing and developing your
communication,
A very important component about making your communication effective is, adding humour in
your communication. Now, let us see why it is important and why you should add that? First of
all, humour if you are putting somebody to laughter, to humour simply means to put someone in
good mood either by telling jokes or doing something funny.
So, maybe you use a word play or you share a very interesting and funny anecdote, but then, you
are humourous, you provide laughter, at least you make them feel amused about something that
you said or something that you do. Now, when you are humourous, you provoke laughter and
make everybody around you relax. So, you try to reduce the tension and then you make people
around you relax. Why humour?
It is important to be humourous in life as it minimizes worries and enhances happiness, people

who laugh, actually live longer and there is some truth in this proverbial statement, that laughter
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is the best medicine. So, whatever problems that you have in life, so one of the best remedies is
to laugh. People who learn how to laugh at themselves and unforeseen circumstances live longer.
What does it mean? So those who are able to laugh at themselves; instead of taking you very
seriously, if you can see you as a funny person, as a person who is fallible, who is likely to
commit errors or prone to mistakes and then if you learn how to laugh at those mistakes, you
actually live longer. And especially, if you are able to laugh at unforeseen circumstances, which
normally causes stress, but if you are able to laugh at even those situations, thinking that they are
temporary and they will leave you soon, and putting a very worried face is not going to help you
much, so that will make you live longer and especially in a very cheerful manner. In life, if you
look at our own emotions, we tend to forget sad moments, but we would like to cherish happy
occasions. So, if you look at the people who made you sad, and the people who made you happy,
you will always try to forget those people who made you sad, those people who made you cry,
okay. And even if it comes to your memory, you would like to push it behind, you would like to
suppress it, you don’t want to recall those sad moments in your life, but we will always happily
remember those people who made us laugh and then sometimes even the thought of looking back
at some of the jokes that those people cracked will also make us laugh and will always change
our mood.
So why humour? Because, overall it tries to spread positivity, it tries to bring the best in human
beings, both in you as well as in the other person. Remember, we talked about emotional
intelligence, humour, your ability to cause humour, your ability to assist what makes people
laugh, what makes people relax and say it at the appropriate time, it is part of your emotional
intelligence, it represents your EQ. So, people who actually try to crack good jokes and then
make appropriate humour and then make it very effective generally are seen as witty people and
it is also true, it looks like the comedians in place or the Joker’s in circus, usually they make lot
of jokes and all that.
But most of the time, these are the people who are most intelligent and then because of their
intelligence, they are able to cover up their intelligence and then they are able to evoke laughter
in others. Can we use humour as a communication strategy? Yes of course. Because people who
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excel in effective communication, they have learnt the art of using humour very effectively in
their communication, whether it is in terms of enacting place or in terms of dealing with people
in workplace, wherever you see so people who have understood the effective use of humour have
always been successful. Great playwrights like Shakespeare used appropriate humour to intensify
the emotional content of their plays. Particularly, in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, which is supposed to
be a very tragic play, even in such a tragic play, Shakespeare uses humour in very incongruous
situations, incongruous like seemingly contradictory because they are very tragic moments and
then Shakespeare introduces humour on very horrifying occasions and then he brings in humour
suddenly. So, even in incongruous situations like the time and the ghost appears or when the
grave diggers dig the grave for the innocent Ophelia. So, Ophelia is a very innocent woman, but
she is killed because of another tragic situation her love for Hamlet and then Hamlet appears to
have become mad and then that worries her and then she dies. Now, at the time of digging the
grave, they are making jokes. Now, why even Shakespeare is using this? If you look at it very
strategically, humour is mixed at horrifying and tragic moments in place like this to make the
pain bearable if you keep on adding to the pain, so it becomes totally unbearable and the people
with light heart may become heart broken and then they may even die of increased blood
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pressure and all that. So, they make the situation very intense, in terms of seriousness, but at the
same time these play wrights also break it by introducing humour. Similarly, jokes and
humourous anecdotes can break monotony in communication. So very eminent speakers,
effective teachers, what they do is when the lectures become very boring, sometimes dry, so they
try to spice up the lectures by bringing in relevant humour.
I always remember my grammar teacher, so who made the classes glamorous, okay, very
scintillating, by sprinkling the classes with lot of humour; and most of the humour is relevant in
terms of the sentence that he was giving, instead of making the sentence very boring and
monotonous, he was giving us very funny sentences, the way we have analyzed, discussed were
also very humourous. So, we remember the rules and at the same time, we enjoyed the class
which any normal teacher would have made it very boring. So, humour can be used as a very
effective communication strategy, but at the same time you should be cautious.
There are at least three basic levels in which you can use humour okay. At a very simple level,
smile can reduce pressure, so as they say when you smile, they say smile, it improves your face
value. So, when you smile, actually there are so many muscles on your face, so they get relaxed
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and look at the code from Victor Borge, he says that, “A smile is the shortest distance between
two people.” So, even strangers, even unknown people or even people who have some kind of
misunderstanding is gentle smile, before starting the conversation can actually reduce the
distance. So, smile is there always at the simple level, at a higher level, making one laugh to the
point of crying, making one roar in laughter, giving them belly laughter. Now, when you are able
to do that as when you watch the comedies, cartoons, okay, by very eminent comedians like
Charlie Chaplin, Laurel and Hardy, so you always like roar in laughter. So, you get that belly
laughter and sometimes to the point of even crying. Now, when you do that, humour is good, it’s
healthy, it is effective and positive.
And this is the kind of humour that I want you to develop, something that is healthy, something
that is good, something that is effective and achieve some kind of positive results. But at a lower
level, again you can use humour, but that amounts to passing sarcastic remarks, poking fun on
others, teasing others, laughing at others’ disability, joking on others’ physique, such as
somebody is so fat or so thin or like in terms of becoming taller or shorter.
So, depending on the person’s physique, the body structure, making fun of it or making fun of
the race, caste, religion or anything personal are all negative, and should be carefully avoided.
So, when you start using humour in communication, beware of these pitfalls, beware of these
pitfalls because when you use a smile, as it was said before, it can reduce the distance but a
sarcastic joke, can distance a person forever. You think that it is funny and then you make fun of
a person before others. And that person feels that you have lost respect for that particular person
and the person never talks to you after that. So, if precious life may be lost, okay, precious
relationship maybe lost, just because you try to joke on the person at a very inappropriate
manner, at a very low level. So, the point that you should focus, so simple, “smile,” so, if you
can go with a smile, make people smile, that is, at a simple level. At a higher level make them
laugh, but never go to the lower level where you are actually trying to humiliate people and make
people regret, you may be the only person laughing or some very other perverted group of people
may join you and laugh at somebody, but making somebody this but of ridicule, is not healthy.
So that kind of human should be avoided.

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Now, if you ask me the question can I develop humour? The interesting answer is that, we need
not develop humour as it is something that we are born with, it is something like our birthright,
so we are all born with our own sense of humour, we all have refined taste for humour. Look at
the newly born child, it uses smile, ok and how contagious that smile is, when we see that, so, we
feel something in us getting invigorated. So we feel the freshness of life and what is the baby
doing? The baby is smiling or laughing to show appreciation, to show liking, to show comfort, to
express warmth, so all positive emotions the baby tries to show, by just, by smiling, even you
will see this baby smiling while they were sleeping, so that is another sign that they are very
comfortable, they are happy, and then they are even in the sleep, whatever dreams they are
getting so that actually keeps them very happy, so that only proves that we all have innate taste
for humor, it is inherent in us.
So only we need to invoke, revoke, why? Because, as we grow up, as we get stress in terms of
adulthood life and then slowly, we grow, we mature, we get into work pressure. As we start
getting stressed for time, managing time, trying to make this both ends meet, so we sort of
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become like morons, very dull witted and as if we never laughed, our face becomes very serious,
and then worried and then it sort of repels people who would like to be cheerful otherwise.
So how can you develop humour, in case you have lost this sense because of work pressure and
all that so try to associate with people who are humourous, try to meet them once in a while, if
possible once in a day, during a coffee break so have some jokes and then let it be very beneficial
kind of joke with no malignity involved in it, jokes not in terms of gossiping or passing negative
remarks on somebody, but then there are lot of things that we can laugh at, admiring life.
So, that kind of humour, if you are able to share it with your colleagues and if you are able to
find colleagues or friends, with whom at least once in a while you can go and then touch base
and then make each other laugh so that will be very nice in a day. Apart from that, there are
people who keep their sense of humour, by watching cartoons or comic programmes so even like
stand-up comedies on the TV, so they watch it and then what they do is they share some
interesting anecdotes from what they watched, they share it with their friends.
So that also helps you develop your humour, especially if it has become dormant in you. The
other good thing that even doctors suggest is, if you are able to watch some kind of comic
program or listen to something or even talk to people and then if you can laugh wholeheartedly
before you sleep, so you get a very peaceful sleep. So, try to do that, so it will give you a very
relaxed kind of sleep, you will get up in a very refreshed mood and then you will be having all
the strength and then determination to complete the pending activities very quickly and take up
new challenges and then again like make it a positive cycle, so again before going to bed 15
minutes, half an hour, just listen or watch or be in part of discussion with people, where you can
actually laugh, give that whole hearted laugh.
What are the benefits? Now, it bears repetition to note that humour keeps you healthy, so like
laughter is the best medicine and when you laugh what happens is, you breathe freely and easily.
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So, thus laughter will enhance respiration and as I said, you relax many of your face muscles,
when you laugh, laughter enhances blood circulation. So, when blood circulation is there
normally you will feel very active and it will automatically suppress stress and overall it
strengthens your immune system. Humour, also kind of eases tension, wherever there is tension
and if you are able to find somebody cracking a joke or doing something to ease the tension.
So, you will lose the seriousness, sometimes humour occurs in unusual places, unexpected
situations. I remember a very interesting occasion when I was traveling somewhere in the US, it
was a very cold, wintry morning and it is a very early flight and the airport itself was too cold
and people also were feeling that cold and flights were getting canceled, people were worried
about the snow outside and that was a very grim situation, flights continuously getting
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rescheduled or delayed or cancelled. So I was bit concerned about my flight, whether I will be
able to take it because I am taking it from one end I am going to the other end, so in that
seriousness, like I was just walking and then I am supposed to reach the security check, so on the
path towards security check, another officer was coming and it was a narrow path, so I thought
that I should give him way, so I just moved this side so, spontaneously he also moved this side,
so then I moved this side, so he also moved this side, so the next time I started making a moment
this side, so he immediately said, shall we dance, the moment he said shall we dance, so I just
laughed and then I stopped, I said, so I think you should go first and then he went. Now, I didn’t
expect that, he will say this at that moment and I my mind was so preoccupied with catching that
flight and hoping that the flight won’t get delayed.
Now, I got into the flight, again the people inside, the airhostess for example, one of them so she
was also very humourous, see around the flight was early in the morning around 7 O’clock and
people were drowsy and as I said very serious and very concerned about the flight schedule and
you find people lightening that kind of seriousness by cracking appropriate timely jokes. So, in
the US, so you have some flights in which you just go and occupy your seats as per your
preference, so no seats will be allotted to you. So, I was boarding one such flight and then I was
inside, and I could see in the front side, so much crowd and people were just crowding there and
then trying to occupy the ones on the front side and then the air hostess on the rear side she just
remarked. She just made an announcement, she said that, the flight will land first on the rear
side, so I request all the passengers to occupy some seats on the rear side also, the way she said
it, that the flight lands first on the rear side, so everybody laughed.
Now, obviously like that sort of reduced the tension in which people were looking for the seats in
the front and many moved towards the other side, and then occupied the seats, but that thought,
that to reduce the seriousness, reduce this tension or friction that is happening that can be
effectively reduced by using humour.
Humour makes you successful in transactions, business transaction, personal transactions. So,
any kind of communication, when you are involved in one-to-one communication, one-to-many
communication. In interviews, I have spent quite some time in the previous course videos on
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interviews, so if you watch some of them, I have given lot of emphasis on your ability to make
the situation light-hearted, by cracking jokes or creating humour in interviews. Why? If you are
able to create some kind of humour, if you can make the people laugh so they will try to see one
kind of light-hearted personality, that is otherwise hidden. So your CV looks—you are a very
high achiever, and you are very studious in your studies and all that, it looks like that you are a
very serious person. But then, very appropriate humour and a timely one, that makes the panel
members smile or laugh, so that actually will kind of win you, the seat that you are trying for.
When you make people laugh, you actually win the transaction whether it is personal or it is
business.
So, that, that is a key to success in communication, mostly whether even if you are bargaining for
something in the market, if you can make the other person laugh or if you can make the other
person smile, so you, you are you are actually winning the heart of the other person and you are
taking the person to your side and then you are making the person reduce the price or do some
favor because you have actually made the person happy. So, you will win the transaction,
whether in personal or in business one. In personal, like, I don’t know how far it is true but they
generally say that people who like each other, whether as business partners or as marital partners,
the initial relationship is set, it is decided, determined by the level in which they made each other
happy, by telling jokes, by setting the frequency level in which they understood each other that
they can make the other person happy and comfortable by cracking jokes, by laughing at
situations together.
So, that is why if you are able to make the other person laugh, you win the game, you win the
transaction. Now, when I say this, so you should not make deliberate attempts to make the other
person laugh and then, then they may feel that you are trying to do something fraudulent it has to
be very natural and spontaneous. Also try to use humour, in order to make a point, in order to
give a message because humour, if you think about the situation that you have come across,
humour makes you remember things easily and humour can convey a message effectively.
I have never forgotten any humourous stories, that were told to me from childhood and when I
look back, I always remember that, these things I remember because I laughed at these stories
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and then I told other people also these stories and made them laugh. I am going to conclude this
lecture, which one interesting story, small anecdote, I enjoyed hearing again and again and I
share it with my students and friends.
So, this is about the Indian frog: Some of you might have heard this in different versions like
Indian crabs and all that, but I like the title Indian frog, which actually talks about the Indian
mindset. But, before I come to the message, what is the story? The story is about one teacher,
who wanted to conduct some experiments, especially the teacher being a biology teacher, so he
needed some frogs for conducting this are, dissecting them and then identifying some body parts
so he wanted to give some frogs to the students for conducting that experiment. So, he came to
know that, there is a local vendor who has a huge storage and where he can give any number of
frogs. So, when he called him up and asked him, whether he can give him some 300 frogs for the
entire batch of students, so the vendor told him that, yeah, I can give but what kind of frogs you
want? Do you want the American frogs, the Chinese frogs or the Indian frogs and then he went
on talking about so many types of frogs. The teacher was obviously confused and then the
teachers asked him in great puzzle, he asked, I never thought that frogs will have various types. I
just thought frogs are frogs, to which the vendor said why not you come to my storage place and
then take a quick look at them and decide for yourself. So out of curiosity, the teacher went to
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that godown, in which he had stored all of them, so they are kept in huge containers and outside
the label was written as American frog, Chinese frog and Indian frog. Now, there was a strange
thing that the teacher noted on the top of the American frog the container was sealed and sealed
with two lids and Chinese frog also sealed with two lids, when it came to Indian frog the top part
was just open and the bottom part was sealed twice. Now this again puzzled the teacher and then
the teacher asked the vendor: so what is the difference? They all look like frogs and then the
person said that they are all very active and there are some differences. So, he said that can you
tell me why you have put this lids on the top and then you have covered them; especially this
American frog and Chinese frog and almost many other frogs you have put this lid on the top and
you have covered them very tightly. To which the vendor said, oh these American frogs and
Chinese frogs, you know they are very active, so they keep on jumping. So, in order to prevent
them, so we have put the seal on the top and we have sealed it so much, so that they don’t jump
out. We just send them some oxygen through some small holes inside, but otherwise we don’t let
them jump out.
Again, the teacher surprised, he asked, what about the Indian frogs aren’t they active, like the
American frogs and Chinese frogs? The vendor said, yes, of course, they are very active. So,
won’t they jump? Said of course, they will jump. Then how come you have kept the top portion
completely open; so won’t they jump out? To which the vendor replied, he said that, don’t you
know about the Indian frogs he said what? You know if one frog jumps, the other frog will pull it
down, so one frog jumps, the other will pull it down, so there is no way these frogs will jump out.
So, because of this mentality, what we have done is, we have put two lids at the bottom, and then
we have sealed the bottom so tight, so that they should not break the bottom and come out, there
is so much pressure at the bottom. So, this is a very interesting story. So, like I have been told by
my teachers and then told that you should not have this Indian mindset, Indian mentality, when
one person wants to come up in his life, like for example, even by developing language fluency,
even by developing communication, you should not make fun, you should not pull the person
down. So, to illustrate this, the teacher told us this story and then till date I remember this, and I
share it with my students. The reason is, the humour that was involved, the way it was narrated
and interestingly if you look at it, the top most part of the other frogs, they are sealed, whereas in
the Indian frogs case, it is the bottom part that is sealed and the top is kept open and like if they
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jump they pull them down. So, just to indicate that, you should not be like that person and I hope
that in case occasionally you start doing it and then keep this story in mind do not become this
typical Indian frog, so change that mindset, come out of that, help somebody to grow in his or
her life.
Let me conclude this lecture, with two interesting quotes from two eminent writers one is Bill
Cosby, both are talking about humour. So, this is what Bill Cosby has to say about humour, he
says that: “Through humour you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once
you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive.” So, what he
means to say: Life sometimes gives you the worst to blow, you, whether you like it or not, willy
nilly, get caught into a very tragic, traumatic situation in your life. But then, if you are able to
find some humourous situation, if you are able to make yourself humourous, if you are able to
encircle yourself in light heartening moments, he says that, no matter how painful your situation
might be, you can survive. It will reduce, it will elevate the pain. And then, Charles Dickens, a
very famous novelist, he also says, something similar, but how it can be a very positive force in
influencing and changing others. He says: “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly
contagious as laughter and good humour.” So, contagious something that can spread so quickly
as laughter and good-humour I don’t know whether, you have seen people undergoing laughter
therapy, there are laughter sessions, so you see them sometimes in parks, people sitting together,
and then, just literally laughing out loud, and even if one person is very serious, looking at other
people laughing automatically, it induces laughter even in that serious person. So, literally and
figuratively also, it is very contagious and then it can spread laughter and then it can spread good
humour and that is so irresistible, so you, you cannot actually stop laughing after some time.
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So, there are even games in which people say that, if you make this person laugh, so you will win
this and even people who try hard they will not be able to stop laughter beyond a point. So, with
this positive thought, let me conclude this with, one interesting reference to your online source.
There is something called humorproject.com so you should go to this one and then there are
interesting anecdotes, you can also join, you can share your interesting anecdotes, we can get
subscribed to some of their sessions.
And then you can get lot of materials related to humour but the purpose of this project is to
spread this and then spread happiness through humour, so join that and then start gaining your
share of humour and then gain positivity by gaining and sharing. So with this thought, let me
conclude this lecture thank you so much for watching this video I will come back with the next
lesson on how we can use humor in other situations, especially, in business and working
environment. Thanks again.
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Course Title
Lecture - 27
Humour in the Work Place
by…
Hello all! I welcome you back to this very interesting module on humour. This is my course on
Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
We are on lesson number twenty-seven, week six and unit 2. In the last lesson, I introduced to
you the most important and very beneficial component of human life that can be used for
communication, as well as professionally enhancement, that is, humour. So, in the last one, I
discussed about humour in general, that is, in communication, in general. In this lesson, let us
look at humour in workplace. So, before I start, let us take a quick look at what I did in the
previous lesson.
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In the previous lesson, I emphasized on the importance of humour in communication. So,

humour as you know, creates very good mood and spreads positivity around, so when you are
able to evoke laughter around the people, so you actually make them relaxed and then, keep them
in good mood also. So, humour keeps one healthy, it minimizes worries, and it enhances
happiness. So, we always remember those who made us laugh. Although, we will not that easily
forget those people who made us cry, but we will always remember those who made us laugh
and every time we see them again in our life, we bring back those old memories and immediately
we feel like smiling or laughing at the person, whenever we see at, whatever circumstance it may
be. So, that is the very positive thing about humour because, it not only makes one lively but, it
also becomes contagious and spreads that happiness around.
In communication, humour can be used as a very effective communication strategy. So, I was
giving example, even from great playwrights, like Shakespeare who were using humour both in
very tragic situations and horrifying moments. Now, they were deliberately doing that using
drama itself as a kind of communication strategy. In order to reduce the pain, so those days
tragedy used to be so severe in terms of emotional impact, so to make the pain bearable,
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suddenly they will introduce something humourous, okay, and at the same time, they also use
this technique of juxtaposing so that you tend to see both emotions and they will be able to
intensify by doing this contrasting technique. But I also suggested that, you should be serious,
when you have to be serious although I said that, try to use humour in communication as much
as possible.
I hinted at the fact, that you have to be serious when you should be serious. What do I mean by
that? Somebody sharing a very sad news, a very bad news, so that is not the time to crack jokes
or something and then people are already in very intensely felt emotion, and then you cannot
actually make them come out of it and it will look very awkward, uncouth and then in congruous
when you try to do that, so if it is a real serious occasion, so you should not attempt it.
But, if you want to make somebody come out of a trauma or a tragic situation, and when the
person is unduly giving time to this tragedy over a period of time, so then you should try to use
your reference of humour to make the person come out of it. In communication, jokes and
humourous anecdotes can actually break the monotony, even in class teaching, even in lectures, a
very dry lecture can actually be made very lively by adding some interesting jokes, humourous,
anecdotes, in between.
But at the same time, I said that, understand that humour can operate at three levels. At the
simple level, it’s just a smile, even if you can evoke just a smile, a very amused look at what you
said, so that is at a very simple of friendly level, at a higher level if you can actually cause belly
laughter, make people roaring laughter, so that is at a higher level, but at a lower level humour
can go as low as being sarcastic or poking fun at others or belittling people by making fun in
terms of their height, weight, etc., or making fun of somebody’s religion or color, so these
things can also come under humour but at the very low level, which you should avoid if you
want to become a very professional person and if you really are concerned about your soft skills,
you should avoid this kind of humour.
And if you ask me how to develop humour, so, I mentioned in the last lecture, that it is a very
natural process because, we are all born with this innate sense of humour, so, it is always within
us, so it is only we need to revoke that sense. And in communication, humour makes you
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successful in transactions and helps you to convey a message effectively, so I was saying that
whether it is even interview or any kind of transaction if you can make the person laugh, so, you
will be able to win the situation and you will be able to gain control of the situation using
humour in communication. Now, in this unit, as I said, let us see how we can use humour in
workplace.
And before we start, going to the workplace, I just want to say more about humour and then how
we can make this laughter and living as part and parcel of our life, so instead of treating humour
as a kind of extra added element, so why not we make it as part of our life. Now in this regard, I
remember attending the funeral ceremony of an eminent person, whose dead face had a
remarkable smile. So, even when the body was kept for the mourners to come and pay homage,
what struck all of us was, the smile that was on the face. How could a person die smiling, so was
he aware of the death or was he taking it lightly, so what was that, that was making this person
give that smile at the point of death. Actually, the person just died of a very silent heart attack
and like people got up in the morning and found that the person passed away. But then the smile,
was something that everybody was talking about on a dead face and people interpreted that as
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contentment of having lived a satisfied life. So, people said that, he was very happy, so he was
living a content life that is why the smile came on his face. But I was thinking about that and I
was wondering as how many of us can assure that we can died with a smile on our face. Can we
say like even if I practice smiling every day, the day I die, will I have smile on my face?
So, there is no guarantee, that even if you want to do that deliberately, you can do it and we
know for sure that it is not possible to give any assurance in this regard but, we all know that it is
possible to keep smiling when we are living. So, we cannot guarantee that, smile will be on our
face after our death, but we can guarantee that we can keep a smile on our face when we are
living, so that is the thought I want you to keep in your mind and as I begin this lecture, I want
you to think over this and then understand that laughing and living is possible, okay, although
you cannot guarantee whether you will laugh at the time of your death or after your death, you
will die laughing, you are not sure.
And, if you look at smile on people’s face, don’t we all like the smiling face of someone, so you
will always remember someone, some, it could be even the face of a children or anybody whom
you like, but if you analyze closely you will find that the likeness is basically because of a very
unique smile that you feel somewhat enchanted and attracted and aren’t humans captivating the
hearts of others just by beautiful smiles?
Sometimes, just by giving smile, so people are able to captivate the hearts of others. So, smile
has this positive impact of capturing people and healing them connecting them, binding them.
So, the first lesson, the first point that I am making is that, let’s laugh as we are living this life,
and then, how do we do that?

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So, every time when we look at the mirror, so just to remember, to add that smile! You should
remember that laughter can be therapeutic and contagious. So, there is this laughter yoga where
people do yoga, and then laugh and then relax, there is this laughter therapy where completely
they make people smile and heal certain uncurable diseases using this laughter, so it has even
this medicinal value.
But apart from that, you should understand that laughter generally tries to connect your mind
with the body. If you keep your mind cheerful, automatically it is keeping the body healthy. So,
in fact if you look at how the word laughter originated. It originated from the Greek word gelos,
that is GELOS which means laughter and you have this Gelotology, refers to the study of
laughter and its effects on the body, from a psychological and physiological perspective which
simply means, so Gelotology indicates the study, that analyzes how laughter is able to connect
both the mind and the body, so how somebody who is laughing is mentally as well as physically
making him very cheerful, so that is for the study deals with.
As another famous poet, Maya Angelou recommends: “Laugh as much as possible, always
laugh. It’s the sweetest thing one can do for oneself and one’s fellow human beings.” And as
Langston Hughes points out, “Like a welcome summer rain, humour may suddenly cleanse and
cool the earth, the air and you.” So a room that is choked with, let us say negativity and then lots
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of conflicts, suddenly somebody enters and then cracks very good jokes and then very well
meant positivity is generated through the jokes, immediately people feel that the entire room is
somewhat like the heat is cooled off and people feel more comfortable, people gain trust with
each other.
Now, let us ask one simple question? When I say that you should laugh and live this life and then
you should practice laughing. I was curious and then I was trying to check this fact, as how many
times do we laugh, particularly in a day?
So, can you guess how many times the following people laugh in a day? When it is a four-year-
old children on an average and adults about twenty and adults above forty? So, how many times
these people laugh in a day? Just, try to make a guess. Do they laugh the same number of times
or is there a difference and how much is the difference? Now, when I try to find out answer to
these questions, so I found an article and it was discussing these ones, which I had referred to at
the end of it, you can go through that in detail later. But the answer is this, the four-year-old
children on an average laugh for 300 times.
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The adults above 20, they laugh for about 15 to 20 times in a day so an, an average it is like 17.5
times a day. The adults above 40, they laugh only four times a day on an average. See the
difference from 300 times to four times and we all started with maybe even 500 times, 400 times,
a day when we were very young infants and then as we grew up, 300 times, 200 times, 100
times, and then slowly it reduced to 20 times, then 10 times, then hardly four times. All these
psychologists and others try to tell us that it is important that we have to bring back this laughter
in our life and increase the frequency, the number of times we can laugh.
Because, as pointed out by this author Pamela Gerloff, quote, unquote she says: “Laughter
changes us . . . and in the loveliest ways. When we lighten up we feel more positive and
optimistic, more hopeful and engaged. We’re friendlier, more resourceful, more attractive, more
radiantly alive.” So that laughter, that cheer, radiates from you and shows that you are fully alive.
So, she recommends for a healthy life, one should increase the “laughter quota” to 100 times a
day, because another research tells us that 100 times of laughter equals 10 minutes jogging or
any kind of exercise and reduces the risk of heart attack, reduces your calorie. So, it’s important
that you try to increase and then you try to keep yourself healthy, let that blood circulation
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circulate in a very vibrant manner and then show that you are radiantly alive. So, keep this fact in
mind, that you need to increase this quota and it should go at least up to 100 times a day.
Now, one of the reasons why our laughter quota reduced is because of the seriousness that is
being associated with the workplace. Now, I am not using business or professional place,
because today workplace means, so many things, the place where we go for working it may be a
corporate office, it maybe a business center, it may be a crammed place, anywhere. Even
sometimes people work at home okay, so the place where you work, so that has been associated
with lot of seriousness and generally people think that humour is forbidden in this area, you
cannot smile at all.
Now, as the work pressure keeps increasing in this globalized scenario, we keep forgetting our
ability to laugh and that is how this quota has been reduced from three hundred to four. Now,
some people view even their workplace as a kind of torture chamber.
They are afraid of even going to work. So, whenever Monday starts, so all headache, all tension,
fever, so all negativity comes and then the workplace itself is seen as a place where you go and
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then charged with negativity and it is a place where more negativity gets generated. Now, this is
actually a perception, it is a myth and this negative perception can be changed by introducing
humour in workplace. When we learn to laugh together, we will work happily together and
generate a positive work environment.
So, the key is to join the workforce and make people laugh together, not all the time, but
occasionally to break stress, to break monotony and create that harmony in work environment.
Now, again if you ask, do I need some special training, so sometimes there are some internet
sites which are also saying that they can give you training in humour and all that, but in my
opinion no special training is required to inculcate humour, because it is inherent in human
nature, all of us know what is a good joke all of us know how to laugh.
And, as I said, as babies we have all laughed, we have all smiled. We are all amused at some
situation or other, okay, there is no human being who can claim that he or she can never laugh. In
fact, humour is a defining characteristic feature that makes us human being essentially human! It
is your ability to laugh, it is your ability to smile, that showing that, you are not an animal you
are a human being and that ability to radiate liveliness through laughter is something that is
special in human beings.
So, if you are able to use that to generate positivity and harmony in the workplace, so then you
will be able to change that negativity. However, when I say this, some people are afraid of being
humourous thinking that other people might think that they are crazy or are not serious about
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work. Oh! this guy comes, and cracks jokes all the time, so how will he be doing work? Now,
this is just a myth or just a perception, because very intelligent people and peak achievers, you
will find them just working rigorously and then sparing some moments for joking and breaking
that monotony and refreshing themselves. So, if high achievers, peak performers believe in
humour why not a normal person emulate that?
So, when people say that oh! this guy may not be really serious about work, you don’t have to
bother about that, but try to inculcate this sense of humour in your workplace. Culturally also,
humans try to find occasions for laughing together because it fosters bonding within groups. So,
if you look at the reasons for people finding some occasion, whether it is a birthday party,
whether it is anniversary, any happy occasion to get together, they just want to come and then
share happiness, laugh and make this merriment together.
So, we cannot neglect someone for being so serious in office, thinking that oh, this person is not
interested in being happy or laughing it may not be true because, it is there in the gregarious
nature of human beings to socialize and use humour as a function of socializing and normally our
life is very chaotic, but if you are able to see a comic sense overlapping all our chaotic routine,
we will be able to handle problems easily because in all chaotic pattern if you are able to just
find something funny so it will make you take a different perspective about the situation that is
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trying to overwhelm you. In workplaces today, in big multinational corporations and all that
humour is used very effectively in problem-solving.
One of the methods that is used for generating new ideas or resolving conflicts is brainstorming.
So, people sit together and then they are given half an hour or one hour and then they are
supposed to come out with random thoughts. Now, often brainstorming is used to think out of the
box and resolve problematic issues, but the brainstorming sessions which had lot of fun and
laughter generated more creative ideas and solved problems quickly. So much research has
happened in this area identifying whether use of humour has actually helped in solving problems
quickly, coming out with creative ideas.
And one such research, which I have quoted here indicate: “Those who watched a comedy where
measurably better at the task using insight than those who watch the horror film, so in this
research, people were made to watch horror films and comedy, and then both were put in
different brain storming sessions but the ones who watched comedy, they were able to come out
with original fresh insights. Again, from the quote, or worse yet, a lecture about quantum
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electronics . . . so a lecture about quantum electronics can be as uninspiring as a horror movie in
terms of thinking creatively. What this means for the innovation manager and brainstorm
facilitator is that humour, lightened mood, and mental spaciousness are important when it comes
to encouraging creativity, ideation and problem solving.”
Now, I try to convince you, that it is important to introduce humour in workplace and then I also
mentioned to you that even in brainstorming, those people who used humor and fun came out
with lot of original ideas and there are enough research to indicate that. Now, as a concluding
thought, I just want to quote from a small poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox “Two Kinds of People”
And I just want you to decide, which kind of people you want to be. So, first let us try to know
what are these two kinds of people? There are only two kinds of people on earth today. “Two
kinds of people, no more I say. Not the rich and the poor, for to know a man’s wealth.” So, what
the poetess is saying, she is saying that, when I say two kinds of people, I don’t mean the rich
and the poor people, so I am not talking about wealth. “You must first know the state of his
conscience and health, Not the happy and sad, for in life’s passing years, Each has his laughter
and each has his tears.” So, again she is saying that no, I am not talking about the happy people
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and the sad people, because in life you will get your share equally, happiness for some time and
sorrow for some time. So, I am not going to talk about that. “No, the two kinds of people on
earth I mean Are the people who lift and the other people who lean.”
“Are the people who lift and the people who lean. In which class are you? Are you lifting the
load Of some overtaxed lifter who’s going down the road Or are you a leaner who lets others
share Your portion of toil and labor and care?” So, she says she is talking about only two kinds
of people, one, the lifters, the other who are the leaners. The lifters, they lift the burden from
others, the leaners, they lean and suck the energy from others okay. So, what type of person are
you now? I would like to add here when she says lifters. One of the effective way of lifting
somebody’s burden, is using humour, making them laugh. So, if you belong to the lifter kind, if
you want to reduce human problems and if you want to be the lifter, so use laughter.
And one more concluding thought, from Michael Pritchard, a very interesting quote, he says:
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.” So,
how nice it is! You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, so don’t think that you grow old.
Because, you have stopped laughing. But he says it is the other way around, you actually grow
because, you stopped laughing. There are some interesting links from the internet, two of which
already I used here in this one and then generally if you want to know more about “Managing
Conflicts with Humor” so you can go to this helpguide.org which has lot of materials. So, thank
you for watching this video. In the next one, I’ll discuss more on how we can use humour and
what is its role in work environment. Thanks again.
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Course Title
Lecture - 28
Function of Humour in the Work Place
by…
Hello, hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. We are in the
module on humour and this is the sixth week and the third unit and on the whole, this is lesson
number 28.
In this unit, we look at the function of humour in workplace. So, in the last lesson, I started
discussing about the importance of laughing and living and making laughter as a part and parcel
of our life and then introducing that in the work environment.
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So, in the previous lesson we learnt that compared to a four-year-old child that laughs for about
300 times average on a day, a 40-year-old man laughs only four times a day. Now, what is this
diminishing thing that happened? So, one reason that I would like to attribute for this
diminishing amount of laughter, is the kind of seriousness that the work environment has
inculcated in us and then that has made us forget something that is so genuine and spontaneous
in human beings, that is laughter.
So, as it was pointed out by the researcher, the author, who made this interesting information, so
she says it is important to increase the laughter quota to 100 times a day so as to maintain our
body in rhythm and minimize things like heart attack or stroke, so that it burned some calories
and then it gives some kind of effect that you have after exercise, just like jogging. In this
context, I introduced to you the term Gelotology.
So, which indicates the study of laughter and its effects on the body, what it indicates is actually
the kind of connection between mind and body in terms of maintaining health. So, they try to
study how laughter is connecting both and in terms of workplace, although workplace is
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considered a very serious kind of place, some people consider that even as a torture chamber. It
is important to introduce humour to generate a positive work environment.
However, no special training is required as humans are intrinsically tuned to humour. And then, I
concluded the last lesson by pointing out to you that researchers indicate that humour in
brainstorming sessions can facilitate creativity and quick problem-solving ability. This was
indicated by researchers that focused on making people watch comedy, cartoons and then make
people watch tragedy or very horrifying movies.
And the one who watched light-hearted funny movies, gave out the best kind of results, okay. So,
keeping that in mind, let us see how we can introduce humour in workplace and what is the
function of humour in workplace. As I said, in workplace I mean anything, whether it is a
corporate office, or it is a small business office or some workplace that you have created at
home.
The place where you sit and earn for your bread and butter and where you are focused and you
are serious, now it is in that place I said it can help in problem-solving, but apart from problems,
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solving humour can remove conflicts and minimize stress. So very often conflicts, if you can
make people who are conflicted with each other, if you can put things in a light-hearted manner,
if you can make them laugh, so, you can make them compromise or reconcile with each other
easily and humour also helps one minimize stress, it increases productivity, because people who
are happy, they work better and it helps one faster connectivity with each other. It connects
people, it strengthens the binding with each other.
Humour, overall creates warmth a very germane feeling and it destroys coldness. So, in fact
humour is used to break ice. So, somebody with whom you think that you can never talk, maybe
your senior or maybe somebody who is looking very serious, but a kind of light-hearted
environment generated using humour can cut through this kind of ice. Humour whether it is work
environment or personal life can help one become popular.
Often, I said people gravitate towards the one with good sense of humour and who is able to
make people laugh. It also helps one gain more friends and retain one’s job despite untold
difficulties. So, today there are no job without any kind of difficulty. So, jobs are meant for
facing difficulties and overcoming them. But if one possesses a very good sense of humour, so
one will be able to overcome any kind of difficulties in job.
People conversely, especially the ones who lack a good sense of humour, often quit jobs
frequently and get depressed about it eventually. So many studies indicate that, it is because
people are not able to look at the funny aspect of life, once this famous cartoonist R. K. Laxman
was interviewed, and then he was asked like how is he getting his ideas, themes, he says just he
watches through his window and then just keeps watching people moving here and there. And
then, he finds something funny in each and everybody who is moving. So, he says everybody can
be made a caricature, everybody has something funny, every life has something humourous and
it depends on the perspective. So, he was saying that, I am just trying to give the perspective as a
cartoonist, I am just giving the comical aspect of life. Now, if a person is able to see this comical
aspect of life by himself or herself then, there is no difficulty in job and there is no need to quit a
job. It is only when your mind is completely stifled and suffocated and you are not able to see
this light-hearted part in any job then you tend to quit. So, and then the quitters are continuous
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quitters, it is not like they quit only one job and the people who stick to it they stick to it once
they get a job. So that again amounts to the way you look at life and the way you perceive life,
especially from this point of view of humour.
And then, in that sense it is very important that you try to nurture a playful attitude, you just take
life itself as a game and when you nurture a playful attitude towards your work, as if you are
achieving more and more just for fun.
The enormity of the work will not overwhelm you. What do I mean by this? If you see small kids
playing video games, whatever game it is, they want to score more points, they want to go to one
level after another level and they want to appear as the person who has achieved the maximum
compared to his friends. Now, if you can have this kind of approach towards your work, a
playful approach as if you are in a video game and then you are playing so, these targets which
are given to you, you need to overcome these targets, achieve these targets. But not as a very
serious thing to do, as a monotonous task to undertake, but just as a game and you are, you are
just doing it, just for the fun of it then the enormity of the work will not overwhelm you, then
you will not even postpone things.
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Then you will find some driving you, that will get addicted to completing one task after another
when you develop this playful attitude towards spoke. And the same thing goes in terms of
giving a presentation or beginning a meeting in work, humour can function very effectively. If
you begin with a joke or if you try to start with a kind of humourous anecdote, that will actually
make the audience relate to you very easily. So, usually the audience come with the thinking that
oh! It is a very serious talk, what kind of serious thought is going to share with us. So, I should
be prepared, I should set my mindset in a very serious manner and suddenly you crack a joke, so
they relax and at the same time, they relate, they realize that oh! this is not going to be that
tough, because this is a person who knows the light-hearted aspect of life and we can be friendly
with this person. So that is how you actually try to kill any kind of animosity among the audience
when you start with this light-hearted way of introducing a joke or an anecdote. And slowly what
happens? As you keep adding your workplace with humour, whether in meetings, whether in
presentations, whether in talking to people, your rigidity of thoughts and ideas, so will soon
disappear, okay.
The fixed mindset will change into growth mindset. You will become adaptable, flexible,
spontaneous, open and confident. So, all things are generated because you started introducing
laughter in your workplace and slowly, gradually you realize that it is also making some kind of
positive effect in you, and the people around you. As you open up to new ideas and challenges,
you will become optimistic. In fact, there are many studies to indicate that, the people who laugh,
they are by nature optimistic.
And it is the ones who are pessimistic and negative minded, they hesitate to laugh or they
hesitate to treat themselves with good sense of humour. So, when you open up, you will also
become optimistic and help the people around you to perform better. So, in this process, what
you should do to use humour in workplace, you should share jokes. So whatever jokes you
collect, whether the one you read from some magazines, something that you heard on radio or
watched from some TV channel or a funny incident that happened in your life. So, share it and
try to do that in person as much as possible. So that will again generate connectivity.
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If you cannot meet somebody in person, then you can share it on phone or you can share it
through email or whatever media connectivity that is possible, even through the SMS you can
share some jokes. But, when you do that, you try to identify what triggers your colleagues and
friends. So, this is where you need to show some kind of empathy, you should understand that
humour is all about showing that you care, and you empathize with someone.
So, when you are sharing this, so you should also try to identify what is it that is triggering the
other person, what kind of jokes you can tell to make this person relaxed. So, when you tell that
and if the person is able to smile or laugh, the other person knows that you can, you empathize
with this person. And then, you will strike lasting bond and whenever people look at you, they
will have a smile immediately, their mood will change.
Because they know that oh, this person always tells some jokes that will make me laugh. And
then they will look forward to meeting you and the kind of humour that you share it with these
people. So that way when you make your colleagues enjoy the work, they will give their best. To
do this, you need not be the boss, so you need not be the CEO of the company you can just be a
fellow worker.
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And then, you can take this leadership role in terms of generating humour and slowly as I said it
will be contagious, it will spread, like what we studied some time before, it will be like paying it
forward. So, you give jokes, you make others happy, so it will come to you four times, five times
back and there are so many others who want you to be cheerful and happy. So, they come out
with better jokes to make you cheerful.
And then, when you make your colleagues enjoy their work by making their environment
relaxed, they will not distinguish between work and play, because work will be so much fun and
then they will not find the tedium of work. So, they will not feel like they are doing something
very boring, because you have helped them relax through humour and see the light-hearted
perspective of life as well as work. In other situations, in workplace, you can use humour to gain
new perspective and maintain balance. Sometimes you go to the extreme and get caught into
some conflicts.
But using humour, you can always gain new perspective and maintain balance, you can also use
humour for expressing yourself in a creative manner like even when you write some letters, if
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you introduce some smiley, just to show that, so that line is not a serious one okay are you while
you use a logo or something you just try to add some kind of cartoon to it. So, the way you
express, people will understand that okay, you are trying to say something serious, but not in a
very serious manner that will cost boredom, but you want to say that in a very light-hearted, but
effective manner. So, use humour for expressing yourself in a creative manner and another
important thing about using humour, is to tell the truth in office environments, especially, when
others are afraid, because powerful people are trying to suppress it. So, there will be oppressive
situation in work environment, where sometimes truth is suppressed by the people who are
powerful and dominant.
Now, if you are one, who is truthful and you want to reveal something, you can see that in a very
jovial manner, in a very funny manner, so that people know that you are just joking, but there is
some truth embedded in the joke and slowly people get the hint and the truth is shared.
Otherwise, it is very intimidating to share the truth, but humour can be used very effectively to
tell the truth. And then, there are other conflicting situations like, you want two enemy group to
compromise, and then it is very difficult to make them compromise. So, there are other such
conflicting situations in work, when all options have not worked out, in such situations you can
always try humour. So that will actually make people gain some new perspective and then try to
adapt and be flexible and then work for the harmony of the workplace.
But, I should also tell you that at the time of delivering a joke or while interacting with
somebody in a humourous manner, you should also take note of the body language, are they
receptive to it or are they unhappy with what you are telling, or are they feeling that it is slightly
offending them. So be sensitive towards the body language, and if you think that they are not that
receptive, so then you hold it.
Maybe, they are not prepared, maybe they are pre-occupied with something else, maybe they
don’t appreciate this kind of joke. So, there you have to be very careful and as I said, no
belittling jokes or humour at the lower level should ever be shared at workplace. Now, some
suggestions I would like to give in terms of adding humour in workplace, as I said, whether you
are the boss or you are just a colleague or a worker.
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What you can do is, first identify what is appropriate for your workplace. So, each workplace
will have some unique features and they will like some particular kind of jokes, so identify what
is it that liked the most and then try to share related jokes and anecdotes in normal discussion
that might happen in some discussion rooms or coffee rooms or canteens so start spreading that.
You can use today the media very effectively, you can use e-mail, you can use Facebook to
create a group for sharing this, you can use WhatsApp groups very effectively both for collecting
as well as sharing interesting jokes and anecdotes and if possible, you should have a notice board
or this bulletin board for displaying good jokes. In fact, one board where you let people to come
and display any good joke.
And then, from those jokes so you can identify one and say that this is the joke of the day or you
can conduct even a competition. And then, say that some token gift will be given, but the reward
itself is getting recognition that you are able to give the joke of the day, the joke of the week, the
joke of the month, and the humourist of the entire year. So, when you announce this, so
colleagues feel very enervated.
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So, you can conduct this best humourist or the best cartoonist competition. So once in a while,
and then that will again generate this kind of light-hearted environment in the workplace. And
even in parties and social gatherings, normally it looks like it is official gathering, you can have a
planned session for humour-based activities. So, you can have funny games, you can make
people do something to cause laughter in others.
So, plan lot of such activities, instead of making even official gatherings, a very serious and
boring ones. Within the office, you can also try to circulate a small magazine that publishes only
the best jokes, like I said, you can make people randomly put all jokes and anecdotes on the
notice board.
But the ones that you identify as joke of the day joke, of the week, so and then the ones you
collect over a month or six months, so, those ones can be published in a small magazine meant
only for humour okay. So, in fact you can form this humour club and that humour club can take
care of this activity. And the humour club will also identify people, so within the colleagues,
who can enact short skits, plays, humourous plays.
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So that will again foster creativity, as well as generate a very healthy and harmonious
surrounding. Occasionally, when you feel that enough jokes have been shared by the colleagues,
you can invite famous comedians, or renowned stand-up comedians and then they can come and
evoke laughter. Sometimes you can arrange for comic movie shows, so you can just select the
best comic scenes from movies, or you can just show one full-length movie, you can arrange for
movie shows.
But only to make people come there and then just enjoy the time there and just laugh and then
relax themselves. You should also try to have a humour hall, that is a room meant only for
humour. So where people can drop in any time to share jokes or refresh themselves by using any
of the repositories available, which means in the hall there may be a video, okay, there is a player
where they can play any kind of gadgets which are available, all related to humour, or they can
sit and then chat with someone and then crack jokes, or they can just see the kinds of jokes, the
best ones which are displayed.
They can read the magazines which have all these jokes, the aim is to make stressed people get
into the hall and go out freely, their burden is lifted from the mind. In fact, you can also appoint a
humour committee, so the committee will have some coordinator and then they will be
coordinating all these activities and you can give the responsibility to them. In some offices, this
committee members like on special occasions, so they come even with funny outfits, wigs,
dresses, so even by looking at them immediately people start laughing. So, they say that these
people are from humour club, humour committee, and then see the way they have dressed,
sometimes they wear different shoes, sometimes men wear high heels of women, so just to evoke
laughter, just to make people that like we are just laughing at our self, so that you enjoy the fun.
And, the most important thing, if you ask like, how you can develop this sense of humour, one
way, psychologists say is that, you should never stop playing with children and opportunity to
play with pet animals, because your ability to play with children will always keep you cheerful
and then you have to go to their level to make them laugh okay. And then you should learn how
to laugh to the jokes they share it with you also.
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So, occasionally you should arrange for events, where you tell the colleagues to bring their
children and pet animals. And there should be opportunities for playing with these children and
pet animals, because they evoke spontaneous humour okay. So, they don’t come with any plan,
but the way they behave, the way they move around, the way they shout, the way they make
noise, so automatically people find that amusing.
So, one key thing about humour and then developing and retaining it is that, psychologists keep
saying that you need to be in touch with children, as well as pet animals. So that you go to their
level and then increase your laughter quota and if possible, bring that to the office and then share
it with others. So that will also create that light-hearted environment. Now to conclude, I just
want to conclude with two interesting thoughts one is from Lance Bass who gives a very
interesting idea. He says that, “You’ve got to have a sense of humor to keep your sanity.”
Now, what does he mean by this? Sanity is your normal thinking mind and the opposite is
abnormality or insanity. So, to be say, to be normal, he says that it is important that you have to
have this sense of humour. What is the implication? So, the world has become so chaotic, so
confusing, so illogical, so hopeless, sometimes so depressing, so oppressive environment. Now it
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is normal for anybody to cross that border of normality and reach this realm of insanity or
abnormality. But what can save you according to this author is your sense of humour. If you are
able to laugh at these difficult circumstances, he says then you will be able to keep your sanity.
And the next thought is from the most famous comedian in the world Charlie Chaplin, so he says
that, “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” He says that, if you spend a day without laughing
you are just wasting a day. And then, when I said that on an average, people above 40 are
laughing four times a day, that is an average, but in fact there are people sometimes do not laugh
for days, laugh for month together, they are so preoccupied with something very serious, maybe
it is related to their health or maybe it is related to the stress induced in job or maybe their
inability to perform better whatever it is, but they forget to laugh ,and for Charlie Chaplin, so that
means that you have wasted a day.
And with these three lessons, which were on humour and the last two focusing particularly on
how you can introduce that in the work environment and how you can let it function in a very
effective manner. I want to conclude with one joke that I liked very much, and that is like a
cartoon and take a look at this.
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An old man had 8 hair on his head, so he had only eight hair on his head. So, he went to the
barber shop, so the barber in anger asked: shall I cut or count? okay, there are only eight, so you
want me to cut our count. The old man smiled and said: “Colour it!” he said just dye my hair. So,
life is to enjoy with whatever you have with you. So, this, like the joke indicates height of
optimism, but at the same time it indicates that like laughter is the best way to live a very healthy
life.
When people think that you have no hair almost on your head and then even somebody like a
barber making fun of you, you want me to cut or count? And then the retort by the old man, just
colour it. So that changes the entire perception and that is how we need to deal with life. I hope
with this thought, I would also tell you that if you generally want to know how you can add more
laughter to your life, you can just take a quick look at the first article that I have referred to “10
Ways to Add More Laughter to Your Life.”
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So that will give some simple suggestions as how you can retain laughter in your life. Otherwise
the other two ones are the same one that I mentioned in the previous lesson. So, with this
thought, so let me conclude this module on humour and I hope this will help you to instill
humour in your life and then add spice in your life as well as your work place. And not only it’s
just introducing humour, but then making this to develop your life, okay, in terms of soft skills as
such.
So, at the beginning I was telling you that, it is important that you inculcate this as part of your
personality and when people will try to define you and when people will try to tell you about five
predominant qualities in you, so the topmost or second or third they should be able to say this
person has a good sense of humour. And whenever I see this person, I get a smile on my face and
he has never made me cry. So, if they are able to say this about you, so you have inculcated this
quality in you. So, if not, use these tips to develop this sense of humour and use that effectively
in your job, enjoy life, enjoy your job, and succeed in life as well as in your job. Have a nice day,
have a nice life! Thank you so much for watching this video.
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Course Title
Lecture - 29
Money and Personality
by…
Hello! hai, Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
We are on the sixth week, fourth unit and lesson number 29. This lesson, I am going to introduce
to you another very interesting and practically beneficial topic, that is on Money and Personality.
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Now, the title itself looks little bit odd, I will come to why I kept the title. But, before we go
there, let us take a quick look at what I did in the previous lesson, that was about using humour
in the workplace. Now, in the previous lesson, we discussed about the importance of humour in
the workplace.
They discuss that, apart from problem-solving, humour can help in removing conflicts and
minimize stress, increase productivity and connect people. Humour also helps one to become
popular, whether in personal life or in the workplace, gain more friends, and retain one’s job
against all odds. It was found out that mostly the people who lack in humour, are not able to
retain their jobs because any slight problem in the job becomes a wave, a major unsurmountable
problem, and then they get depressed about it and eventually they quit and the quitters, keep
quitting jobs one after another and the ultimate reason is that they lack in this sense of humour.
So, it is important that you develop humour to enjoy your job as well as your career. When you
begin a meeting for example or a presentation in the job situation with a joke, with a very
interesting anecdote, it makes the audience relate to you easily, it can break the serious
environment and it can prepare the audience. And most of your hosted audience also tend to
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become friendly when you start say the light-hearted note by introducing humour. Now overall,
after discussing the benefits, I suggested, gave some tips as how you can actually bring in this
added improvement in the workplace by use of humour.
I gave many suggestions, some of the important ones are as follows: You should have a notice
both for displaying good jokes, okay. In fact, you can even announce the joke of the day, the joke
of the month, the joke of the year and then you can even conduct best humourist, best cartoonist
competition and then you can display the best ones, keep a record of them and then you can
show it to guest. And then you can always display it in the front reception area, where people get
a good impression about your office or the corporate environment.
In get-togethers, you can have a planned session for humour based activities. This will make new
colleagues come out of their shell, break the ice, mingle with the senior colleagues and then
make people relate to each other in a very lively manner. Within the office environment, you can
also introduce something like publishing a magazine of jokes and anecdotes, cartoons,
occasionally even you can invite eminent comedians who can come and then humour your
colleagues, within the office environment you can arrange for comic movie shows or you can
even just collect the best comic scenes from various movies and then you can show them.
You can also form a Humour Club, you can have a Humour Hall, you can have a committee to
maintain that hall, run this club and what these people will do is, collect all these interesting
jokes and anecdotes and cartoons and anything that will evoke laughter, fun and they will put
them in the Humour Hall and in that sense the Humour Hall functions like a library, repository of
keeping all these ones together. And, the most important thing is sometimes you allow your
colleagues to come for get togethers, especially with the children as well as their pet animals.
The reason why they should come with their children and pet animals.
In fact, when they come with them, you should try to arrange for some separate events for the pet
animals, for the children so that you know how you can evoke humour in a spontaneous manner
because they say that it is with regard to children and pet animal’s spontaneity gets generated.
So, if you learn how to play with them, if you learn how to humour them okay. Because you
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cannot just make a small child laugh for your jokes. So, you have to actually go to their level,
you have to bring in that real innate humour in you, to actually humour the small child also. So
occasionally when you keep in touch with small children and then pet animals, it is believed that
it actually brings that innate humour in you and keeps you and your colleagues in good humour.
So that is what we discussed in the last one. Now, let us actually move to this topic that we have
for today which is quite interesting. And as I said quite beneficial money and personality.
Now, it sounds a little bit odd to join “money,” the material, with “personality,” the human! So,
money and personality so it looks like they are polar opposites and then they are violently put
together, but I have done it deliberately because the point I want to make here is that, in the
contemporary world that has become highly materialistic, human beings have become money-
minded personalities! Money has penetrated human personality, and in fact, the personality is
just judged, determined by the ability to have money, possess as much wealth as possible. So
human relationships are determined by the material worth, that is the wealth and the properties of
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a person. However, people also weigh a personality in terms of the way a person handles money.
Now this is where money is relevant in terms of Enhancing Your Soft Skills and Personality. It is
not just the money that you have, but how you deal with money and how you behave in terms of
money and how is your character assist in terms of money, are the things which are relevant for
improving your soft skills. Now to warm you up and then introduce some concepts, what I am
going to do is to ask you some probing questions, think over them it is not just yes or no.
But you may even write some phrases, pause the video, don’t be in a hurry to go to the next
question, even you think over it and write, it is like a diary writing experience where you are
prompted with some questions you think about you seriously and try to give me honest answers.
The more honest you are, it will try to reveal your real personality and make improvements. So,
let us start going to the questions and trying to address these questions and try to give genuine
answers.
Assessing your Money-Personality: So, I will start asking the questions and then give you some
time to think over the questions. And then I will also respond to the questions. The first one that I
would like to ask is this: How many relationships you maintain with those who have less income
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than you (relationships could be with friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbours etc.,) but with
those people who have less income than you? So, which means like, you are in a sense richer
than those people and are you able to maintain relationship, healthy relationship with these
people and if so, how many are there?
The next question, Is your body language changing when you meet very rich people? So, you
might have seen like sometimes when people meet those who are richer than them. So, the
behavior changes I will talk more about later but right now you need to think whether you are
that kind of person yes or no and then, Yes! How? No, why don’t you do that? The next
question, Are you becoming aggressive when beggars annoy you? That is people who are poor
and then living in poverty, and then, when they have come to the level of begging and when they
come to beg you and they repeatedly ask you for some arms. Do they annoy you and do you get
irritated, angry and then you become aggressive and shout at them?
The next one: In a big function, let’s say it is a huge function and celebrities have come, rich
people are there, do you treat the rich and the modest differently. So, the modest or the normal
let us say the lower and upper middle-class people and then let us say the high class people, the
affluent people, so, do you treat whether it is your function or somebody else’s function do you
treat these people differently and in a party, do you want others to see you hanging out with the
rich people? So this means like, you will just look for people who are rich. And then, you will go
chat with them, have food with them or have some drinks with them, but you want everybody to
notice that you are seeing with this kind of circle. So, do you do that? Yes or No and then think
about why you are doing this?
Let us continue with the assessment do you avoid people who have low means of income?
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So, when you see people with low means of income, you try to run away from them, okay. Next
question, what is the minimum balance you need to have with you to feel secured? Whether in
your pocket, whether in your bank balance, how much money do you need to have so that you
feel secure? The next question is interesting: Can you survive without money in a strange place?
Let us say you have gone out, especially completely a new place an alien country, a foreign
place, and then somebody pick pocketed everything, took your bag, your credit card, everything
is lost and you are just on the road, no money, nothing. And you didn’t wear any costly jewelry
or anything by which you can get some money. So, nothing is there with you, can you survive?
okay. If you cannot survive in a strange place can you survive without money in familiar
surroundings? Like there could be days in which you just forget to take your wallet, purse,
handbag to your office to your neighbor vicinity, to the nearby mall or shopping center where
you go to buy something and then you forget that you didn’t go there with the money, can you
survive in such situation?
The next set of questions: Can people trust you with money? so somebody is going somewhere
and coming back. So, in the meanwhile the person wants you to keep some huge amount of
money? can you keep it safely or can somebody ask you to carry the money on their behalf and
give it to someone? Can people request you to keep their money for some time without any
commitment on paper? Can you be entrusted with a huge amount of money, huge in the sense
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like 10,000 times than your annual salary? That much money can somebody give it to you and
trust you? Are there people to give guarantee on your behalf? Like if you are borrowing
something or signing a deed in which there is a commitment in terms of money? Are there
people to give you that guarantee on your behalf? Which means, like if you don’t pay the money
so, the guarantors will be willing to pay that on your behalf, Are there people for you? And then
if somebody says I can guarantee for you up to 5 lakhs? Somebody says I can do that only for
one lakh, but somebody says I can even do it for crores of rupees for you. So, what is the
maximum limit a person can give guarantee for you? Just honestly ask yourself, think about a
person, who has that must trust on you and even that trust level, how much a person can really
guarantee? And look at it from the other side; Can people borrow money from you?
Will it be easy to borrow money from you? Can people borrow? Do people return the money in
promised time? People take money, say that they will return it in a week do they come and give
it to you in that week’s time or do they think that they can cheat you? Have you ever forgotten
the money somebody owes you? so you keep forgetting and you forgot to ask people? And then,
another set of questions from another perspective: Have you borrowed money from others? Have
you taken money from others? Can you borrow any amount of money you need easily from
others? Any amount of money, can you borrow easily from others?
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And, can people give you money without “interest”? I have put interest within double quotes to
indicate both the interest that you will get out of money and without any mutual interest, that is, I
give you money, but you do me this favor okay. You give me this, so without expecting anything
in return? Are there people to give you money without interest and have you returned the money
in time? Have you returned the money without any reminder or do you return money only if the
lender abuses you? humiliates you in the public, shouts at you and do you enjoy cheating others
in terms of money (e.g., going to a restaurant and making others to pay the bill).
Next one: Do you avoid borrowing money from others to the maximum extent possible and if
you borrow in inevitable circumstance, do you rest only after you pay the amount? which means
you feel restless, anxious, and then you feel burdened till you give back the amount.
Another set of questions: Do you always save money and can afford to give some for charity or
for needy people? Do you always run short of money? Do you find it difficult to make both ends
meet? So, you don’t know how the income is coming, but the expenditure is higher than the
income. It is difficult to manage this income and then expenditure. But do you know where your
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money goes? Do you know how you spend this money? and do you think you can control the
expenses once you know where your money goes?
Those were the questions that I wanted to put in order to prepare you for a mindset to know how
to handle your money and learn how to respect others money and value people not in terms of
money, but in terms of the real worth! Your honest answers to the above questions will help you
analyze your money-personality and make appropriate changes. Let us now look at the questions
and the answers in a sense that they are relative, but still the most appropriate answers that you
need to keep in your mind and in case you have deviated so much then you need to make
appropriate modifications to reach the level that is suggested in terms of answers.
Look at the first question, like how many relationships you maintain with those people who have
less income than you now here the more you have the number indicates your emotional balance
and mental maturity.
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It really needs emotional balance and mental maturity to maintain people who have less income
because you have already learnt that money is not the determining factor in relationship. And the
ability to maintain good relationships with both the rich and the poor indicates high emotional
and spiritual intelligence. But, the less you have so, indicates problems in terms of your own
emotional balance and mental maturity. So, this something that you should keep in mind and if
you have less, try to increase this number and try to maintain the balance.
Is your body language changing when you meet very rich people? It should not change. You
should be the normal spontaneous person. But if it changes, it reflects the greedy mentality, it
reflects like the inherent greediness that you want to be like this other person and it just comes
naturally to you, so you want to please this person? It is like they say Mammon worship—that is
worshipping money, so just like when you see God or when you see something divine, so you try
to show respect, so just like the way when you see a representation of money then you just your
body language changes and then you want to please the other person and pay lot of respect,
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irrespective of the fact that the person may not be ethically good, not appreciably in terms of soft
skills, good human qualities but your only consideration for this man is the money that the
person has and your body language changes automatically. So, it should not, and you have to be
controlled, restrained in this sense, in order to develop your soft skills because people watch
these changes very closely.
And are you becoming aggressive when beggars annoy you? Actually, you shouldn’t. You are in
a better position but that does not mean that you should be aggressive and then you should feel
annoyed, what you need to show is empathy, sympathy if possible but not or never aggression.
And in a big function, do you treat the rich the modest differently? and in a party do you want
others to see you hanging out with the rich people? Do you avoid people who have low means of
income? Now, all indicate lack of emotional intelligence and people note this change. Not
necessarily the poor people, even the rich people, okay. The rich people note this, they know that
you are treating them differently from the modest ones, the poor ones. Now, this on the one
hand, pleases some of them but there are people, on the other hand, who know how to
manipulate you. So, who realize that you change with these people and they know how to use
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you, and they are not going to keep you in high regard just because you are changing their
behavior for them. They know that you are like a chameleon and then you will keep changing
and if you are changing your behavior for this person and this person knows very well that when
somebody who is richer than this person comes, your behavior will change again when you
confront the person who is richer. So, all these things are noted not only by the people who are
poor but also the rich.
And then, what is the minimum balance you need to have with you to feel secured. Now, if you
have possessed very good soft skills and if you have good character, integrity, this may sound
ridiculous, unbelievable. Actually, the balance whether it is zero or very high will not matter
much to you, will not give you low self-esteem, if the bank balance is low. And then can you
survive without money in a strange place? Again, as I said much depends on your skills whether
it is familiar surroundings or in a strange place money is not the only one that is going to
determine who you are.
In situations where you have lost money, you first need to calm yourself and rely on you, your
hard and soft skills, intelligence, good qualities, ethical values. In case, you have not read Paulo
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Coelho’s The Alchemist, I suggest you read this, just to see how the author is trying to indicate
how money is not something that is determining your real worth and it is not the one that is
needed for developing your personality. The shepherd boy Santiago survives in two or three
occasions where he loses everything, all his hard-earned money. And then, is left in a new place
where he doesn’t learn the language, he doesn’t even know how to speak and convey that his
money has been lost. But in that place, he again learns how to earn money using his hard skills,
as well as soft skills, his very good nature, very polite and very much obliging to do any kind of
work that is given to him. So that kind of positive attitude thinking, so that helps him to get a job,
gain more money than what he lost and moved to the next level in his life. So, the novel through
a parable, tries to tell you that only when you rely on money than you, you will feel completely
devastated.
But on the other hand, if you realize that money is not the one that is determining you, but there
is something in you okay, that will determine you so then you will not be perturbed even if you
lose money so that is something that you need to develop and when you have these qualities in
you, so you will never feel lost. There are again fictional characters, I remember a character by
Dostoevsky, there is a young boy and this young boy has possessed so virtuous qualities, that
anybody who is seizing would like to take him to his or her home and feed him. So, the author
says that, he is a person who will never be poor, who will never be without food because there
are plenty of people to take care of him just because of his good qualities. So, it is like important
that, on the one hand, when this materialistic world is trying to delude us with the belief that
money is everything, so you need to counter that with these kind of stories which are rich in
moral values and try to affirm faith in yourself that you have things okay, which are there in you
whether money stays with you or not.
Now, the next important set of questions; Can people trust you with money? Can people request
you to keep their money for some time without any commitment on paper?

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Can you be entrusted with a huge amount of money? Are there people to give guarantee on your
behalf and what is the maximum limit or is there any limit? Now, the answers to these questions
will tell all about your integrity and credibility in terms of money. If you said “yes” to most of
the above questions, you are already “credit-worthy.” You are a very credible person,
trustworthy person, people can rely on. I remember as warden to one of the halls in IIT Kanpur, I
had to give money to one person who is supposed to organize a major cultural event, so the
money is in terms of lahks and then I had past experiences where some of the other organizers
took money and then they forgot to submit bills in time or I had to run after them, remind them,
so I had this kind of stereotypical thinking that these coordinators—you should not trust them
with money and you should not give it to them. But then, this particular person was to be
entrusted with lakhs of rupees, I wanted to know whether I could actually give that much money
and I was having doubt. By the time, there is a very highly reliable senior person, called me and
then he said that I can give this guy any amount of money and then he will return it in the time
that is specified. And then I got another phone call from the Dean saying that, I need not worry
about giving money to this person because he is very highly trustworthy. Now, later I didn’t meet
the student, so the money was sent through another staff, but I met the student after the event was
over and the money was submitted and then I praised the student, the coordinator student by
saying that this is something that he has earned, but not through money but by his integrity and
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character which he has built over time. And I told him to continue with that kind of thing that
ability, that people are guaranteeing him without even any written document and to me
somebody who doesn’t even know him and there are people who are willing to give guarantee to
unknown people about this person. So, what is it that made these people give that guarantee,
assurance it is just the way he behaved in the past instances, maybe 1000 rupees was given, and
he returned in time then it was 10,000 then it reached 50 and then lakhs of rupees. Now, they
really feel they can trust with this person. So, even if you break this chain at one point, then
people will lose trust, okay. So that is why it is very important to develop this and then the fact
that people can trust you with money is not something that is given to you by money. But it is
something that is given to you by your own intrinsic values, which you have developed.
And then, the next set of questions like: Can people borrow money from you? Do people return
the money in promise time? Do they think that they can cheat you?
Have you ever forgotten the money somebody owes you? Now, can people borrow money from
you? In the sense, so easily they know that they can come and then get money from you. And
then they know that they need not return money to you and they even know that they can even
cheat you because they know that you will forget the money that you gave. You might have
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given 1000 and they can come and say I am returning the 500 to you and you think it was 1000
but you are afraid of clearing that and then you are not very sure about that and then they give
500. And you were afraid of asking this may be because of your passive personality. You don’t
assert, okay, and then in order to maintain relationship and thinking that you don’t hurt the other
person, just keep quiet. Now, these traits indicate, how people perceive you in terms of your
money personality. Whether you are naïve, innocent, can be fooled easily, that you are a less
assertive person, or you won’t dare to ask for money, etc. Now if you are on this extreme, again
you need to change your personality, profile and then you cannot be a doormat on which people
walk and then use you for their own purpose manipulate, get money, and then they don’t return
it. You don’t have to be so pleasing; this is again part of your assertive skills which we have
discussed already in the lecture on developing your assertiveness. But using you for money,
clearly indicates that you are lacking in assertiveness which you need to develop.
On the other hand, the other set of questions; Have you borrowed money from others?
Can you borrow any amount of money you need easily from others? Can people give you money
without “interest”? Now all these questions call for your assertiveness and the rich emotional
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network you have. Have you borrowed money from others? Actually, it needs some skill,
assertiveness, even to put yourself in a position to ask calmly whether somebody can give you
money, okay. So, instead of shying away from asking and when you are in need and when you
know that some people can really help you and can you do that easily without any difficulty.
Are there people like willing to give money to you and then can people give you money without
interest without any expectations, without thinking that they will get that money later from you
much more than what they are giving you now. So, if that is there it again indicates that you have
already asserted yourself and then you have a very rich emotional network, but in case, people
don’t trust you, then you need to develop at this area also.
The next set of questions actually are related to your own self-esteem and integrity. Have you
returned the money in time? If you have done it in time, and without any reminder and in fact
even reminding the other person and telling that this is the money you gave me the other day
which I am returning. And the other person says, oh! I am sorry, I just forgot it and thanks for
giving it to me and in case you borrow in inevitable circumstance, do you rest only after you pay
the amount?
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That is, you have the anxiety, you have the restlessness once the money is given to you, okay.
And you think that, till you pay, you will not rest, so that shows your high level of integrity and
commitment with regard to relationship and your own self-esteem which is not allowing you to
borrow money and in inevitable cases if you borrowed it, it’s not allowing you, also not to keep
it with you for more than the time required, returning it in time and maintaining a good rapport
with the other person who has given the money to you. On the other hand, if you return the
money only if the lender abuses you and if the lender is not shouting at you don’t bother and you
enjoy cheating others in terms of money, like going to a restaurant and making others to pay the
bill, by either by saying that you have two thousand rupee note and there is no change or saying
that you forgot to bring the purse or some kind of pretense, lame excuses, but ensuring that
somebody else pays the bill. And are you the kind, if you are thinking that you can forever try to
cheat others by not returning this money. So, this is not indicating that you actually have good
opinion about yourself, it actually indicates a very low self-esteem and very low level of
integrity.
And this is very important in terms of your professional integrity and this is something that will
spread. So, especially if somebody has to hire you, in professional situations where finance and
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handling money becomes a very important factor and if some information about you goes there
that you have a very low level of integrity in terms of dealing with money and you never return
the money, so you may not be even hired for the job, okay. And even after you are hired, if this
new spreads around people that you take money from colleagues and then you don’t return.
Again, people don’t treat you with the high esteem and then, the last set of questions; Do you
always save money and can afford to give some for charity or and or for needy people?
Now, if you can do so, this means that you are thrifty, and you don’t spend more than your
income and you always try to keep something. And then the other kind; Do you always run short
of money? and do you find it difficult to make both ends meet? it means that you are a
spendthrift. You spend more than you get, and you always keep complaining that you don’t have
enough salary. So, income is not sufficient, people are not fair, okay. And the next question; Do
you know where your money goes? and if you don’t know, it shows that you lack planning in
terms of managing your money. If you know, it indicates that, you are good in money planning
and do you think you can control the expenses once you know where your money goes? This
indicates proper budgeting and accounting. So, we will learn more about this in the next lecture
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and how many things you have that money can’t buy? We had a quick discussion about things
that money can’t buy in one of the previous lectures. But how many you have, like it determines
the level of peace and happiness you have in your life. So, things that money can’t buy like time,
happiness, inner peace, integrity, love, character, manners, health, respect, morals, trust,
patience, class, common sense, dignity.
So, all these ones like indicate that if you have, so that actually shows that you have high level of
peace and happiness in your life. Just as a concluding thought, I want to quote from William
Shakespeare and from his famous play, Hamlet.
And in this play, he actually introduces this character Polonius and then, Polonius actually tries
to give advice to his son Laertes and then the advice that he gives, and particularly, the part in
which how he has to maintain relationships and money is very valuable and it will give a good
ending to this lecture. Let me read those lines, and explain to you, although it is through Polonius
it is William Shakespeare who is talking to us through his time-tested wisdom, so this is how it
goes. “Those friends thou hast, which means the friends that you have, and their adoption tried,”
that means you have tried, tested, whether they are genuine friends or false friends. And once
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you know that they are genuine friends, “Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;” Okay,
you bind them, hold them to your soul with hoops of steel, okay, like you chain them with steel
in your soul. “But do not dull thy palm with entertainment Of each new-hatch’d, unfledged
comrade.” Do not dull thy palm with entertainment. So, two meanings are possible here; one, Do
not shake hands with all those people whom you have not tried, new-hatched, just newly formed
acquaintances, unfledged comrade, not matured relationship. So do not just shake hands and then
spend lot of money with these people, “so do not dull they palm with entertainmen”t can also
mean that just entertaining these people. They just to have fun so you can ask like, how much of
money is spent only in maintaining these new friendships who are there just for eating together
or drinking together and then they disappear when you are really in need of some money or you
are in crisis. So that is what he says you, if you have not tried with these people it is not worth
spending any money on this once.
The next one he says in terms of habit; “Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,” he says that
whatever habit you have in terms of spending, so that should match according to the amount that
your purse can buy, that is, do not spend, buy anything, especially, in terms of dress or any
materials that you want, not so expensive that you can’t afford to, buy the ones that is within
your budget. That is what he says in the next one, “But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy;”
So do not try to show off, don’t try to buy things just because they are expensive and they look
so gaudy. Use the ones which are simple and affordable to your income.
And then he says that; “For the apparel oft proclaims the man,” so what you wear, tells who you
are; so if you are wearing very gaudy dress it indicates that you have lots of money to throw.
And then people will mistake you and the next advice that he gives is more valuable, he says
that; “Neither a borrower nor a lender be;” neither a borrower nor a lender be. Neither give
money nor take money. Why? “For loan oft loses both itself and friend,” the money given often
loses both itself that is money once you give, okay you have to forget your money as well as
friend. You know, that is a very known wisdom that it is money, okay, so when it is given as
loan, so precious relationships will be lost, because you cannot ask back and if the other person
is not able to give it, so the relationship is spoiled. So that is why he says; “For loan oft loses
both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.” When you borrow it dulls the
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edge of husbandry, husbandry here refers to being thrift. So, when you borrow, so you start
becoming a spendthrift, you start spending more money than what you have especially like,
using credit cards and then buying things that you don’t need.
Going to a mall and then buying whatever attracts your eyes, so that kind of spending activity is
cautioned, he says that, that is not becoming of being a thrifty person. And the last is the best, he
says, “This above all: to thine own self be true.” Above all he says, you don’t have to listen to
my advice, be true to your own self. So, you as well as like we all have this moral consciousness,
we know what is good, what is not good. And he says just that listen to that inner voice, that tells
you what is good and be true to your own self. So, with this message, I just give you some quick
links. If you are more interested in knowing about dealing with money, the first link, I found
interesting is about 19 Wise Money Quotes.
They also give more wise thoughts about how you can save money. The second one is, 7 Life
and Money Lessons from Warren Buffett. I will also talk more about this in the next one. Thank
you so much for watching this video and have a very nice day!
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Course Title
Lecture - 30
Managing Money
by…
This unit is on Managing Money. This is the sixth week, and the last unit number five, lesson
number 30. So, with this, I am happy to tell you that you will be completing about seventy five
percent of the course, that is three-fourth of the course will be over. Only 10 more lectures will
be remaining, so I hope you have been enjoying doing this course. Let us take a quick look at
what we did it in the previous lecture.
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We discussed above the influence of money on a personality and how it affects human
perception. I said that money has become an integral part of human personality and people
perceive the way we deal with money or what money does to us in terms of our body language,
the way we talk to people, the way we change our body language with regard to people with low
income and high income and all that.
So, by the way of answering some self probing questions, we learned how to assess our
personalities by the way you have been dealing with money. The number of relationships for
example; you have with both high-income and low-income group indicates the level of your
emotional balance and mental maturity, that is the level of your EQ that is, Emotional Quotient
as well as SQ Spiritual Quotient or Spiritual Intelligence that indicates the way in which you are
dealing with these two groups of people and your body language should not change, it should be
normal even while meeting rich people or poor people.
Changing of body language indicates lack of emotional intelligence, it is your own insecurities
and sometimes it is also reflecting your greedy nature to be seen with rich people. However,
those rich people are not going to assess you in terms of your personality as a very integrated
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personality. Using one’s hard skills, as well as soft skills, one should be able to survive even
when one loses all money in an unfamiliar surrounding. So, if one relies on oneself, one’s inner
resources there is no need to panic even if you are losing money in very strange and unfamiliar
surroundings. In terms of borrowing, returning money: Returning money in time indicates your
own self esteem and integrity and vice versa, the opposite. It indicates your low esteem and lack
of integrity if you are not returning money in time, not returning without frequent reminders or
getting used to abuses by people who have lended money and thinking that you are cheating
them. All are indicating your low level of self-esteem. Gathering things which money cannot buy
can really ensure peace and happiness such as help such as genuine love, etc . . . Money
management in terms of all these general probing discoveries, is very important and in terms of
budgeting, accounting and tracking once expenditure, you need to know how you can manage
your money. So in this lesson, let us try to gain some more insights about how you can manage
money, but at the same time how you can build your wealth, okay, how you can establish
yourself as a person and then how you can make yourself build the wealth, instead of believing
in some lottery or inheriting some wealth from your parents or ancestors. Now, let us start with
the idea philosophy of becoming wealthy and it is important that you should become wealthy
first, that is the first thing and if you ask the question,
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How do normally people become rich? So, the fortunate ones have actually inherited from their
parents, grandparents or they have won lottery or they even found a hidden treasure or
sometimes they incurred huge profit through shares in their investment and then they learnt how
to retain the wealth, it is not just getting this they also learnt how they should be retaining it.
However, if you go for the first-generation millionaires almost all of them have created their
wealth through their grit, work, and by applying themselves in whatever chosen field.
So, you should be thrifty and learn simple ways to manage your money. Let us look at some
simple ways of managing your money. The first and foremost thing, is to maintain a balance
sheet. A balance sheet in which you are able to note your income and expenditure. now these
days you can use any money apps which are on your mobile phone or you can use it on your
computer or on your iPad or even if you take your diary and then make some lines and then note
expenditure and income or you simply use something like an excel sheet to keep track of the
money spent that is fine. Identify the categories like the basic categories that I have identified
would include education, which might mean tuition fees, books, uniform, shoes, bus fees,
newspaper and magazines and any kind of subscription that you pay in terms of developing
knowledge.
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Travel, so it could be the fuel that you use for your vehicle, the vehicle maintenance, service and
then change of tyres or repair and generally the journeys that you might be undertaking and the
expenses which are incurred during the journey. House itself occupies in terms of maintenance
and other things lots of expenditure, so it goes in the form of rent, gas, water, electricity, cable,
phone, etc. So, now keep track of how much you are spending in all these things, make a note
every time you spend. Food is another major category in which you spend money like grocery,
vegetables, even hotel bills, when you go for eating outside or when you call for a party, how do
you spend money and all that. Charity, this includes donation that you might begin or even the
tax that you pay, the money that never returns to you, unrecoverable loan, you gave money to
somebody that person passed away and the loan that you keep repaying the loan amount that
goes. So that is under another category that you cannot recover and the most important is
savings, whether it is in LIC or shares or bank deposit or cash. Normally they say that at least
twenty to thirty percent minimum of your salary should be going to this part, that is your savings.
But the wise invest, even more in terms of savings. But, if you are able to do this, if you know
where your spend and then if you are able to keep a track on how this money is going and which
category is actually making you spend more and if you are able to reduce okay and then save, so
actually slowly and gradually you will be becoming richer and richer and then there are other tips
like on the path of accumulating wealth.
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There is enough in this world to fulfill your NEED, but not your GREED! So, there are enough
ways of earning money decently to fulfil your need even if it keeps increasing. So, our needs
keep increasing, depending upon the growth of the family, and the requirements of the family
members and the people around us, so needs keep increasing. But there are ways in which you
can make decent money, but if you are greedy, then your greed can never be fulfilled. People
lose their lifetime earnings owing to their greed. So, many examples are there like, their entire
money saved in bank, so they invest in some land that comes for low price, finally they find out
that they got cheated, so the documents are false and then during the famous Gold Rush in
California, for example, many people out of their greed they left in search of gold but they never
returned and the family members died in utter poverty.
And today in this electronic world, where we are surrounded by electronic gadgets, so many
fraudulent emails, advertisements lure people by appealing to their greed, so saying that you will
be getting this, just send your account number and other details and people send the account
number and other details and the entire money is just washed away to some other account and
just because they were foolish to believe that somebody else is going to give so much money for
them for nothing.
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So just out of greed, people lose money. So, for need, there are always ways of improving and
you should always focus on need and then if the greedy tendency comes, you need to curtail that.
And then today again we are living in this virtual world where desire has been given to us
through advertisements and images and we believe that we need to buy things which we actually
don’t need.
And the thing happens when we go to a mall or some shopping center, so we look at that we just
go for window shopping, but then we are getting the appeal of the items so much and then we are
tempted to buy. So, buy things that are absolutely necessary, that is another way to become rich.
So, buy only those things that are of high value. High value things are those things, which you
cannot live without, they are the most indispensable ones and avoid items which are of low value
or no value. So low value is like, you can do without them, but still you have them, no value is
you can actually do without them, some decorative pieces, for example you just hang it
somewhere and then it keeps accumulating dust and then nobody even sees that, nobody even
appreciates it, you just got some fancy and then you purchased it and then it is just lying on some
corner. So, no value things, things by not adding, it is not going to make any difference in your
life and then the other important thing is you should avoid impulsive purchases like, you go, see
something and then immediately you buy. You need to do enough survey before buying a
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product especially, slightly expensive and make comparison. Today on the net itself, you will be
able to make all comparison and identify the place where you get for the best deal, the product
and use your bargaining skills, because you always save some money by making a good bargain.
Most of the times, people hesitate to ask for something but when you ask for slight discount,
concession, you actually get it and when you are not sure whether you should buy a product or
not so when you are confused after looking at a product leave the place immediately, go home
give a second thought and if you really feel that the next day after two days still you should go
and buy the product it means that the product is indispensable and it is of high value, otherwise
you just ignore. By these small simple tips, you will be able to live a thrifty life and then slowly
move towards the path of becoming rich.
But apart from that, let us understand that becoming wealthy, is actually a kind of mindset that
you need to create and change your personality and develop required soft skills in terms of that.
When I say that you should be thrifty, I don’t mean to say that you should not have any
aspirations to become wealthy.
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As suggested in the book title of Robin Sharma, you should be like the “Monk who sold his
Ferrari” what does it mean? First, you apply yourself, you gain all knowledge that is possible,
apply yourself, learn how to create your wealth, and then create wealth to the extent possible just
to know your self-worth not to show off to others. After creating your wealth, develop the ability
to live like a monk, that is with the detached attachment. So, whatever happens to your wealth or
property, will not affect you, will not give you heart attack, will not kill you. Now, if you can
have the kind of detached attachment, money will actually follow you, instead of you running
after that. So that philosophical attitude, you need to develop in terms of becoming wealthy first,
and then you need to understand that wealth has an innate transient quality. So, it cannot remain
stable forever with one person so, detached attachment helps in maintaining balance irrespective
of huge gain or loss.
Now, let us look at some Steps to a Wealthy Life: The first one that I am trying to drive home,
the point is that, understand the Transient Nature of Wealth. So, there is a small story I would
like to tell you in terms of understanding the transient nature of wealth: One person inherits so
much wealth from his father and at the deathbed of his father, the father actually gives him one
dream, okay and then he says that just remember this ring whenever you are in a sorrowful
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situation and then that is the last word and then he dies. So, this person becomes so rich he does
this export-import and earns lot of money and becomes one of the wealthiest persons in his
country. But, it so happens most of the things that he was importing on a ship, so there was a
shipwreck and then there was huge loss and then to the extent that he had to sell all his property
and he was almost literally on the road and he was sitting on a bridge and he was completely
heart broken and he wanted to commit suicide, he wanted to just jump from the bridge and then
there was a deep river and he wanted to kill himself.
But, at that moment he remembered what his father said, he thought that his father said
something about the ring and then he just takes the ring out and inside the ring it was written,
“Even this will pass away” so when he read that, “Even this will pass away” it struct to him that
even this situation where he thinks that money is completely lost and it has destroyed him will
pass away, that changed his mind set and then he again with the money that he salvaged from the
items that were remaining, again he re-started with a very humble beginning, but applying
himself by using all his skills. So, he again gathered wealth, but he always kept that thing in
mind that even this will pass away and he gained that wisdom at that crucial moment. So, the
moral of the story with regard to the attitude you should have in terms of money is that, it can be
a millionaire or a beggar in an instant.
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So, that should not actually affect you and then that should not destroy your personality. I always
remember these lines from The Bhagavad Gita, especially, it is philosophical, but it is more
related to the attitude that you should have in terms of money, it goes like this: “What have you
lost that you cry for? When you cry, what have you actually lost? What did you bring, because
you didn’t bring anything when you are born, that you have lost? What did you create that was
destroyed? So, everything you created was already there, What have you taken, has been come
here. You didn’t bring anything on your own and What you gave has been given here. You came
here empty handed, and you will leave empty handed. What is yours today, belong to someone
else yesterday and will belong to someone else tomorrow.” So, if you understand this thing, the
transient nature of wealth and things that are material, we will be able to develop an attitude that
will make you prepared for living a very wealthy life.
The next important point in fact this should be the first important point that is you should know
Health is Wealth.
You need to take care of your health and those people who think that, oh! I never got that break,
I didn’t get the chance in my life to become very rich. Many people have earned a fortune even
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after their 60s. Some people have earned a huge amount of money after the retirement, so you
need to be healthy, to snatch good opportunities till the ripe old age. So, you cannot think that at
the age of 30 I didn’t get a good break, so you should not die at the age of 40, because you
developed some kind of sickness and you are not able to sustain in a very healthy manner.
And again, I would like to recall the quote from the Dalai Lama, which we discussed in a
previous lesson, particularly the part where he talks about health and he says: “Man surprised me
most about humanity because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices
money to recuperate his health.” So, a person who seldom goes to hospital has enough
opportunities to go to his bank! So, try to minimize by going to the hospital in terms of treating
your illness.
So, then you will be able to spend more time on creating your wealth and going to bank for
saving the wealth also.
Now, you should also understand wealth is not just money or gold or diamonds and the land that
accumulate, so it is not just the material wealth that you need to collect. Understand that wealth
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is more than the possession you have in the form of money, gold, and land. Real wealth lies in
the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual resources you create for yourself and the people
around you. The people around you could be your siblings, children, friends, colleagues,
students, neighbours and countrymen.
Now, these people who are in your life, when you make yourself a resourceful person by
gathering information and knowledge, gaining wisdom and common sense, and developing hard
that is technical, as well as soft skills, money will chase you. But it is not that you are gathering
these resources for yourself, but you need to keep the people around to develop their talents and
potentials and they will never feel insecure for lack of money. So, this goes more for your
children or people who depend on you, if you can help them to tap their potentials, identify their
talents.
So, they will never be dependent on you, so you need to develop that indispensability in you, as
well as the people around you. In fact, job insecurity is felt only when one’s real potentials are
unrealized. If you perform like any other average person, you will never be promoted! As M. R.
Kopmeyer says: Your only job security is your indispensability. Job security will not come
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because, you work in a government job or a private job is giving so much money and it will
never throw you out, job security is not coming because you are in a very dominant position and
you can threaten others or coerce others to do work.
Job security doesn’t come in all these things, it comes only in terms of your indispensability,
mostly in terms of your work ability. So, to create your own wealth, you have to be irreplaceable,
so wherever you are and whatever you do. So, indispensability it means that, you have developed
your special talents and you are not like any average person, you are extraordinary because you
have some special qualities, which nobody else has, okay. You are indispensable in the sense
that, there is something in the job which only you can do the way you are doing it.
Nobody else can do it the way you are able to do that. So, everybody knows that it cannot be
done by somebody else and then you become indispensable and only when they know that they
cannot replace you, so your job becomes secured. The moment they know that oh, what you do
can be done 10 times better than somebody else so why should they keep you. So, you are
always in a kind of insecure position.
So, investing in yourself and developing core competence at work and establishing your
uniqueness should be your primary objective. Not investing in gold, not investing in land, but
investing in yourself and making your dependents and others to invest in themselves, their
abilities. So that should be the first primary concern and a major step towards creating your
wealth. And then, in terms of work culture, never compromise with perfection. Although
perfection may take its own time for the completion of a task and then when we discussed about
procrastination, we understood that even perfection may be one of the reasons for
procrastination.
But do not have any lame excuses to compromise with perfection okay, if you have to make it
perfect you should and, in this sense, I would say you should be like the famous painter and
sculptor Michelangelo. Now let us look at a small anecdote about Michelangelo.

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A friend visited Michelangelo, who was finishing a statue; sometime afterwards, he visited
again, the sculptor was still at his work. He cried, looking at the figure his friend exclaimed,
“You have been idle since I saw you last.” So, the friend thought that, he has made no progress,
so that is what he meant by your being idle. The statue looks the same, the time that I met you
and saw that the last time. “By no means,” replied the sculptor, Michelangelo; “I have retouched
this part, and polished that; I have softened this feature, and brought out this muscle; I have
given more expression to this lip, and more energy to this limb.” “Well, well,” said his friend,
“but all these are trifles.” So, trifles means like, useless nothing, very negligible thing. It may be
so, replied Angelo, “but recollect that trifles make perfection, and that perfection is no trifle.” I
hope you are getting the point. Michelangelo says that, these things which appear to be
immaterial, negligible, useless small little things, so when you keep touching them and when you
keep adding them that adds to perfection. And then, he says perfection is no trifle, so perfection
is a really great thing and that is not a very small thing that you can ignore.
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And the next step towards a wealthy life, I would say that you should work with utmost
devotion. So, it is exaggeration to say that you should work with two hundred percent devotion,
there is nothing like 200, but just for emphasis, I would like to say, when you take something it is
more than your 100% you should give utmost devotion. Again, let us look at a small inspiring
quotation from Martin Luther King, where he says, how a person should work in respective of
the job that is involved in. So, quote from him, he says: “If a man is called to be a street sweeper,
it is just a sweeper on the road, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, he should
sweep the street as if he is sculpting a statue with utmost perfection or Beethoven played music,
or Shakespeare wrote poetry.” So, they were all geniuses, so you’re saying that even when you
sweep a street, imagine that you are doing it just like a genius. “He should sweep streets so well
that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pass to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did
his job well.” So what he says is, even God should be able to appreciate you for the work that
you are doing even as the sweeper of a street, so you should be able to do that with utmost
devotion that is the point. Let me conclude with another very interesting anecdote, which sums
up the ideas that, I am trying to make in terms of your job the respect that you should have, you
have for your job which will automatically make you wealthy. This is very interesting anecdote
about Lincoln.
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“When Abraham Lincoln became the president of America, his father was a shoemaker. And,
naturally, egoistic people were very much offended that a shoemaker’s son should become the
president. They were aristocrats, so belonging to very high and royal family, so who thought it
was their birthright to be in the highest government post. A shoemaker’s son? On the first day, as
Abraham Lincoln, entered to give his inaugural address, just in the middle, one man stood up. He
was very rich aristocrat. He said, “Mr. Lincoln, you should not forget that your father used to
make shoes for my family.” And the whole Senate laughed; so, he was just insulting, humiliating
Lincoln, thinking that he is actually insulting him, and they thought that they had made a fool of
Abraham Lincoln.
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But Lincoln— and that type of person is made of a totally different mettle— Lincoln looked at
the man and said, “Sir, I know that my father used to make shoes in your house for your family,
and there will be many others here . . . because the way he made shoes, nobody else can. He was
a creator. His shoes were not just shoes, he poured his whole soul in it. I want to ask you, have
you any complaint? Because I know how to make shoes myself and if you have any complaint, I
can make another pair of shoes. But as far as I know, nobody has ever complained about my
father’s shoes. He was a genius, a creator, and I am proud of my father!” So even as a
shoemaker, he says that he was a genius, he was a creator, just like what Martin Luther King was
talking about a sweeper who should be like a creator and a genius. So, listening to this
spontaneous reply and retort, the whole Senate was struck dumb.
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They could not understand what kind of man Abraham Lincoln was. He had made shoe-making
an art, a creativity. And he was proud because his father did the job so well that not even a single
complaint had ever been heard. And even though he was the president of America, he was ready
to make another pair if there was any complaint. That humility, that has brought him from the
background of a cobbler, a very humble background to the highest one, to the level of the
president of the United States.
The fact that, even whether it is sweeping or whether it is polishing the shoes, or making shoes if
you are able to do that with utmost devotion and if you are able to take that job as an art, as a
creative endeavor and as if you’re the genius in doing that, automatically you will reach great
heights and as I said, money will chase you. You don’t have to run after money. With this
thought, let me conclude with referring to two must read books.
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Both are written by M. R. Kopmeryer, I just refer to his most famous lines from the book, How
to Get Whatever You Want. Your job security, okay, about that he says that, so your only job
security is your indispensability and then he gives more tips and then the other book, How You
Can Get Richer Quicker, also comes with lot of valuable ideas and then really it motivates
people to get richer quicker in a very decent manner. Now with this thought, we are concluding
this week, and as I said, I am happy that we are concluding the 30th lesson and three fourth of
the course we are completing, we are completing with a very wealthy rich thought, that you
should use all your skills, apply that and then become not only a healthy person, but also very
wealthy person. So, with this thought, let me wish you all the best in all your endeavors and
thank you so much for watching this video and thank you so much for being with me for this
wonderful 30 lectures, we have 10 more and I hope that you stay with me till then, thanks again.
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Course Title
Lecture-31
Health and Personality
By
This is week number seven, unit number one and lesson number 31. I am going to introduce a
very relevant concept in contemporary times, which determines so much about your personality,
so that is health, so we call this module as Health and Personality. Before we start looking at how
health is connected to personality and soft skills, let us take a quick look at the highlights of the
last lesson. In the last lesson, we discussed about the ways in which you can create wealth and
manage money.
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I emphasised the point that wealth is not just acquired by inheritance or luck but mostly through
grit and hard work. Then I went ahead and provided some hands-on tips on how to be thrifty and
manage one’s money. I encouraged you to inculcate the habit of keeping accounts of money by
maintaining a balance sheet or using any apps on your mobile, to track how you have spent
money under various categories.
At the same time, I cautioned you to be very clear about your need and greed because need is
something that can be satisfied, but greed is something that can never be satisfied. And I also
continue to discuss with you about the ways in which wealth can be acquired through fair and
honest means, and insisted that one should acquire wealth first before having any intention of
spending it, and in this regard I said if at all you are buying something you should buy only
things of very high value, in the sense, that without which you will not be able to survive. It
should be really indispensable as part of your costumes or part of your house management. So,
without it if you cannot survive then you go and buy that and then don’t go or don’t give into
impulsive purchases, think twice before you buy, when in confusion you just fit the place. Again,
in that sense, I focused on the metaphysical concept of wealth and recommended you to have a
“detached attachment” towards wealth, while ensuring simultaneously that you nurture human
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values and acquire things that money cannot buy. Such an awareness will come to you if you
understand the transient nature of wealth. In order to demonstrate the transient nature of wealth, I
gave you a small story about a person who had the ring from your, from his father. That
indicated even this will pass away and he looked at it at a very crucial moment when he lost all
his money and then he regained, recuperated from that kind of disaster.
Wealth is not just about earning money, but it is more about generating resources through the
people around by maintaining an excellent emotional network. Wealth, finally, we will follow
you if you stay indispensable in whatever chosen field and execute your work with utmost
devotion and perfection in mind. Last, but not the least, the point that I made at the beginning of
the previous lesson is that, living healthily will ensure that you live wealthily too!
Now, this module, and the next on,e is going to focus on how you can live a healthy life and
why you should live a healthy life and how it is relevant in contemporary times. The first basic
question that you might have is,
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How can I link soft skills and personality with health? How are soft skills, health and personality
related? Now, if you look at certain human qualities like pleasant smile, enchanting smile,
attractive smile, firm handshake, confidence in voice, genuineness in eyes, etc., which connote
the personality as pleasant or cheerful, friendly, confident, concern, caring, helpful they are all
determined by the health condition of a person.
Minor indispositions like minor illness, such as headaches, stomach upsets, body pain to major
diseases like ulcer and terminal diseases like cancer will rob off the liveliness and enthusiasm
from any person.
Although degrees and certificates can take one to the interview, it’s the body language that
creates a lasting impression. We had discussed enough about the impact of nonverbal
communication in the previous lectures. So, you may take a quick look at that particularly the
ones related to interviews were about even 93% of the impression that is actually created is
mostly because of the body language. So, the degrees and certificates can take you to that table
in which the interview is getting conducted but the major positive impressions are formed by a
subconscious assessment of the candidate’s health.
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What does it mean? Actually, the people who are interviewing, subconsciously they are just
trying to take cues about your sound health, okay. So, if their mind is telling that you will not fit
in terms of health, so the mind will automatically start finding reasons for rejecting you. Apart
from ensuring that the candidate is technically qualified, employers would like to ensure that the
candidate is healthy enough to withstand tough job condition. Will you be able to stand in the
site for a long time? So, do you have the stamina? In some cases, fitness as such may be an overt
or covert requirements in some jobs, like overtly they will say we need this kind of person, this
height, this structure, this high power, and this kind of ability to work in this area, ability to
travel for long hours and all that. In certain cases, they don’t tell you this. So, it is covert, it is
hidden and for instance let us say if a job requires lot of running around, the employer may
naturally prefer a slim person over an obese one. So, the employer obviously knows the obese
person literally cannot run around, do things or will feel tired and feel exhausted or will not have
the speed of a slim person.
A slim person can obviously move faster than the one who is obese. Now these things they may
not tell, okay, but they gather this kind of information in the subconscious mind and they find
excuses for rejecting you through your paper qualifications which they don’t state overtly, but
then the actual reason may be because of your health conditions. So, you have to be very careful
and conversely the other thing is also true.
Maybe there is some weakness in your certificate or degree, but you look very healthy. So, you
look very healthy, handsome or beautiful, attractive and charming and they need some dynamic
person like you. So, they can overlook some of the limitations in your cv because of your health.
So, it can work positively in fetching you a good job, it can work negatively in deterring you to
get a very good job, so both are possible.
In general, healthy and fit individuals generally get short-listed for higher positions, they get
promoted faster and especially the ones that demand leadership qualities they actually look for
healthy individuals. Reason, the leader needs to be healthy only then the leader can inspire the
followers.
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Again, to continue with the link between Soft Skills, Health and Personality, the preference of
healthy individuals goes with the assumption that they are disciplined, hardworking, controlled,
balanced, and are aware of what is good and bad for them. So, without discipline they would not
get up early in the morning, without discipline they will not be able to go to gym or go to the
stadium and do some exercise.
Without control, they will not be able to stop some of their bad habits, without balance so they
know like how they can utilize the time for recreation, how they should spend the time in work.
So, went to sleep and went to work, so this kind of balance and knowing what is really good and
bad in terms of diet, in terms of any healthy habits. So that goes without saying, as far as a
preference for the healthy individuals are concerned.
Also, healthy individuals are perceived to be more reliable and dependable than people who are
prone to illness because, again surprising, but if you look from the factual angle you will realize
that it should be true. For instance, a major event can be reliably planned with a healthy person,
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because you know that this person will get up in time, reach the office in time and he will not fall
sick at the last moment.
So somebody who is ill and you know the person is ill, you cannot rely on the person so much
because at the crucial moment, this person can face an acute stomach pain or some other pain
and owing to which you get the news that the person has to be admitted in hospital and the event
cannot be managed successfully, effectively without this person and the entire program suffers.
So, the reputation of the company or the one who organized the event goes down.
So that is why people want to rely on healthy individuals. If you take the perspective of the
employers, again you will find that they are not wrong, employer’s mind-set is like any normal
human being who wants to invest in something that has durability and guarantee. So, when you
buy something and especially when you buy an expensive thing, you want to know how durable
it will be, and what kind of guarantee is there? Is there a money-back guarantee, is there a
complete replacement guarantee? And if they try to repair the things will they repair it properly?
So, you just want to know based on the guarantee you rely on the product and just like the way
employer’s mindset also works in that manner that they just want to get some assurance. That
this person is healthy, and he will never falter. So, I can bet on this one in terms of reliability.
Unhealthy people on the other hand look like an unguaranteed product and very few takers will
be willing to take any risk associated with them.
So, why someone would buy something when they say that, oh! this is just use and throw but
very expensive, so, no repair, no guarantee. Now, why would somebody take that and the same
way why would an employer hire someone who is likely to be a major source of problem, trouble
and then instead of being an asset, so this person is going to be a liability, so why would an
employer go for this kind of person.
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So, health actually goes with reliability: Companies/organizations are careful about choosing
people with healthy habits because unhealthy habits can cause them a fortune as in some of the
following cases that I am giving you, look at these cases— The first one, A chain smoker getting
detected for cancer suddenly owing to which all the projects associated with the person come to a
halt and the organization pays huge compensation for aborted projects due to the untimely
demise of its employee and then so much money is also spent on the medical bills of this person.
Think about this kind of situation.
Look at the next one; A high-ranked official killing himself and killing others due to reckless
driving and why the recklessness came, it was induced by sleeplessness and chronic depression.
It was careless, so he didn’t bother about what was coming before, completely reckless, he hit
some truck or something he killed himself, kill the people who went along with him. So, how can
they rely on this kind of person? Again, a representative of a company in a heavily drunken state
misbehaving with the significant client and damaging the company’s reputation and incurring
huge loss for it. So, in all fairness, why should someone employ such people? Had given a
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choice, why won’t they go for healthy people? why should they go for this kind of sick people
who are totally unreliable and then they are going to cause huge damage for the company.
(Refer Slide Time: )
So, why should they go for these people? Linking health with reliability, employers assess you in
terms of dependability in desperate situations such as—If somebody snatches your briefcase with
important documents, cash or valuables, will you have the strength and stamina to run after the
person and catch him and recover the briefcase and do you even have the guts to run after? The
guts will come only when you know that you are strong enough to chase the person and get the
briefcase back from this person.
A terrorist, let us say, has captured your office and has been shooting bullets indiscriminately,
but if you run fast, you can escape the bullets, will you be able to run fast enough to escape the
bullets? Or you walk so slow and then you get caught and you get killed. A heavy suitcase filled
with secret documents and valuables are to be physically carried from one place to another. You
cannot even rely on a coolie to carry the suitcase for you. Will you be able to carry it effortlessly,
because if you carry effortlessly it shows that you are strong and especially without palpitating or
sweating profusely? You cannot give it to coolie because of the unreliability, in case he takes it
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and runs away, so, you will like lose so many valuables and secret documents, so which are
worth, let’s say, crores of rupees. So, the company again needs to rely on you on these counts.
But all of them are highly dependent on your health condition. Now, the common excuse that we
hear is No Time for Health! Now, if you look at the irony of the situation, we usually repair our
gadgets, whether it is mobile or laptop or a camera and we can spend so much time on that. We
service our vehicles and then maintain them in good condition. But we generally tend to avoid
giving time for body-maintenance. The human body is just like any other machine and the body
also functions like any machine and it will be forced to collapse if it is not taken care of minor
ailments and given treatment then and there and in time.
Regular time (even 45 minutes in a day) spent for body maintenance will drastically reduce the
time one may have to spend in hospitals for months together. It is like a trade-off, would you like
to spend that 45 minutes now or you will spend 45 days at a stretch in the hospital, to recuperate
your lost vitality. Many people think that time is money. But, rather, it is health that is money.
Sound health gives you sufficient time to enjoy your hard-earned money!
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And, one might have developed necessary skill-sets for achieving something big in one’s life,
like one works very hard and then has a very highly admirable goal set and then towards that
direction towards achieving that, one has achieved, developed lot of skills. But, without the
required energy and vitality from the body, all the skills achieved will go waste because, the goal
itself will remain forever an unfulfilled dream.
Because you need strength, you need energy, you need vitality, without which you cannot even
execute your day-to-day activity and to achieve something so big, you need to push yourself and
then go beyond the day-to-day activity. You need more vitality and strength. Let’s ask some
quick questions before I wind up this one, in which I am trying to convince you, as how our own
skills in terms of developing our personality is closely related to health and some of our normal
habits which we generally think are harmless actually determine our health condition also.
So, certain things are related to the way you eat. How do you eat? Are you relaxed and happy
while having your food?
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If you say yes, you will be really healthy, but if you say no, I don’t have time, I cannot relax and
then do you have time to munch, chew your food? Or, you just gulp it and then drink some
water, water is still good, but some people just use Coke or some soft drinks and then they gulp
some fast food and they drink it. So, if you are that kind, obviously you know that you are
actually leading yourself towards a very unhealthy lifestyle in terms of health.
And are you stressed and do you eat in a hurry because you are stressed? Or you don’t pay
enough attention to what you eat. You don’t even know what is going into your mouth, you don’t
enjoy, just putting something inside and you don’t mind skipping breakfast or lunch. Now, these
are all danger symptoms okay, and you are on the road to really unhealthy lifestyle. And while
eating, do you eat a well-balanced food containing fruits, vegetables, pulses and cereals in equal
proportion?
Or, you just eat only rice 90%, sometimes one vegetable or no vegetable and no fruits at all. So,
obviously it is not a balanced food that you are consuming. Do you feel hungry at odd hours, so
night 3 O’clock you feel hungry and gulp some junk food to quench it? Yet you have not
balanced your food habits and then do you smoke, drink liquor or drink plenty of coffee without
taking food? That is in empty stomach, so lunch, you are not able to go in time, so you drink
again coffee, then this can lead to other problems related to gastric troubles, related to acidity
causing lot of inflammation to the stomach and all that. But initially you just don’t bother
thinking that you want to finish some job at hand very quickly. Now, in terms of fitness, just use
this as a checklist to know how fit are you?
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Do you feel heaviness and pain in the chest or the shoulder? So, it might indicate that you have a
weak heart and same thing with the next few questions. Do you become breathless while
climbing stairs? Even some people, after climbing two, three steps, they palpitate so much, so
they are not able to climb stairs and especially when the lift is not working will you be able to
climb that? Do you feel some weakness or numbness in any part of your body? The upper part,
lower part? And then, is your headache: is it persisting? So it is all the time 24 X 7, it’s all there?
Are you catching cold and getting fever frequently? This means is your immunity weak? Do you
catch any contagious disease immediately? So, any anything that comes around during the
season; so conjunctivitis, you are the first one to get it. Some seasonal cough, you will get it first,
some fever, so some kind of sickness that comes, you will get it first. So that again indicates your
immunity system is very low. Is your vision getting blurred? So, day by day is something
happening to your vision, could it be related to diabetes, could it be related to cataract? What is
happening? And do you feel giddy and vomit often? This again could be related to so many
factors which you have been ignoring, things related to heart, things related to stomach and other
things related to your normal fitness, your blood circulation.
Your ability for your heart to pump enough blood to go to your brain and then, questions like this
will come, does your mind go blank suddenly, just for a moment? There are people who will tell
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that for a moment they didn’t know what is happening and then the mind went completely blank.
So, is it happening to you? While giving a talk or while you are in a conversation do you face
sudden loss of words, suddenly you don’t know what to talk, no word and mind is not helping
you. Do you pass and get distracted and are not able to track the previous flow of thought? So,
like while talking you passed and then you thought of something and you are not able to connect
to the previous line of thought and then, other question like, do you feel loss of appetite suddenly
you feel like not eating anything?
So, this could be related to lungs and other organs of the body and do you find it difficult to
swallow something? So normally you are able to eat, but now you are finding it difficult and do
you suffer from pain or irritation in your abdomen, especially the upper part then is your bowel
habit alternating between constipation and diarrhea? So, either it is too tight, or it is to lose and
then it is happening so frequently, and do you feel a burning sensation while passing urine? This
actually means you are drinking less water.
Then, but it could also be a very unhealthy condition. The other thing is related to sudden
fluctuations in your body, in terms of weight, are you losing or gaining weight suddenly? Could
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be related to thyroid, could be related to other factors, other hormonal imbalances and is in injury
taking time to get healed. So, you get some small injury, but it is taking time to get healed.
So, why is it so? Now, these things actually indicate that, if it is happening you are not that fit or
as you could be, you are not making yourself that fit. Let me conclude this with this thought, you
just think it over, it’s a very interesting thought from Andrew Weil, he says:
“You can’t afford to get sick, and you can’t depend on the present health care system to keep you
well.” So, mind you, you cannot afford to get sick, if you get sick the world will appear to be so
cruel, so insensitive, so brutal, so unsupportive to you. It will cost lot of mental stress and even
depression. But, on the other hand, you can’t depend on the present health care system to keep
you well. So, like today you are not able to identify whether the kind of medical support you are
getting is genuine or fake, whether a disease that has been diagnosed is the right one or should
you take a second opinion, whether money is just been extracted from you for nothing or genuine
care is given to you. So, you cannot really rely on the kind of system that is prevailing, but the
suggestion given is: “It’s up to you to protect and maintain your body’s innate capacity for health
and healing by making the right choices in how you live.” The body has an innate capacity to
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maintain its own health care, if only you make the right choices in terms of how you live, in
terms of what you eat, what you do, how you move yourself, how you maintain your body. If
you are able to make the right choices, so then you will be actually helping the body to take care
of itself, there is no need to go to the hospital at all.
In the next lesson, let us look at how you can make these right choices and then you will be able
to maintain health and healing, by relying on the innate capacity of your own body. Just as a very
quick suggestion, there are two interesting books that you can try to read, one is by R. H. Dastur.
The title of the book is, Are you Killing yourself Mr. Executive? It is published way back in
1980, I am not sure whether there are new copies available but if you can get it, it’s a complete
analysis of all symptoms and what diseases you might be getting and how you can actually heal
by a natural way. The other one, by Tom Nicoli, Thinking Thin. It is just about how you can
actually reduce your weight, but not by putting so much stress on your body, but by tuning your
mind and she sort of suggests you to use a kind of self-hypnosis technique, by which you can
alter the mind that can help you to alter your body.
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So, both are interesting books in terms of maintaining your health. So, let’s continue with this
healthy thought on maintaining your health and by that you will be developing and enhancing
your personality and soft skills. So, wish you that you have a very healthy life-style and thank
you so much for watching this video, have a nice day!
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Course Title
Lecture - 32
Managing Health -1: Importance of Exercise
by…
Hello, hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. So, we are on
the module related to health and we started with the first unit on the importance of health, as well
as the relationship between health and personality. In the next two units, that is unit 2 and unit 3
of week 7, will try to learn how to manage health and in this unit, in particular, let us look at the
importance of exercise. This is lesson number 32 and Managing Health-1: Importance of
Exercise.
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Before we actually go to the lesson, let us take a quick look of the highlights of the last lesson. In
the last lesson, we discussed about the significance of health and its impact on one’s personality.
We learnt that the health condition of a person determines the liveliness and enthusiasm of a
person. And when a person is ill, the body language of the person will not show confidence and
the face will not radiate with energy. Employers’ crucial decisions in appointing people depend
on various health factors. Besides, certain jobs demand fitness on the work front, which an unfit
person will not be able to cope with. Healthy individuals are considered to be disciplined, hard-
working, controlled, balanced, and are aware of what is good and bad for them. Moreover, they
are dependable and reliable unlike their ill-counterparts whom the employers cannot count on for
taking a lead role in important events.
So, I gave you examples such as, at the last moment a person in terms of ill health cannot be
relied upon because at the last moment something can come, some kind of disease, and the
person has to be admitted in a hospital, so the event manager finds at a major problem in running
that event. So, these are reasons why employers generally try to avoid people who do not have
sound health and they try to take clues from your body language, the way you perform yourself
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in the interview and all that, so companies are careful about choosing people with healthy habits
because unhealthy habits such as addiction to smoking cigarettes can cause them a fortune.
Employers are happy with able individuals who show reliability in carrying important documents
or valuables and use their physical strength to protect them from getting stolen. Overall, it was
clear that the time one gives for maintaining one’s health will pay rich dividends in the long run.
So that is what we learnt in the last lesson and in this lesson, we will try to know and understand
how we can manage health. And to start with, as I said we will try to understand the importance
of exercise and how you can make that as a routine and make it part and parcel of your life and
internalize exercise as such. If you look at health as such, some people have a wrong impression
that health is something to do with just body, but if you go to the actual definition given by an
international organization like the World Health Organization, WHO it defines health as “a state
of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or
infirmity.” So, the common misperception about health is that, it is something to do with the
body, only physical and the other thing is health means absence of disease or absence of some
kind of infirmity. Health is not only that or not just that. It is a state of complete physical, mental
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and social well-being. So physical: you have to of course do exercise; mental: you can regulate
interms of your mental stress by using yoga or meditation, social well-being automatically comes
when your emotional well-being is boosted up in terms of your physical and mental well-being.
In huge pursuit of mental activities, these days often people take for granted their health and fail
to manage their bodies. So timely upkeep of body is required for preventing it from untimely
malfunctioning.
So, the body is also like a machine and if you don’t take care of it regularly, and then if you push
it too much beyond the point, so suddenly it will start malfunctioning and you will not be able to
recover it so easily because you had actually exhausted it beyond a point. However, any amount
of stress can be withstood if the body is maintained in a healthy manner, so the body breaks
down, collapses due to excessive stress or due to excessive pressure exerted on it physically.
Usually it is sent in the form of stress. But any amount of stress can be bit stood if the body is
maintained in a healthy manner. If you maintain it in a healthy manner, so suddenly when the
stress comes, so you will be able to protect yourself from stress. Today, surprisingly even people
without any bad habits succumb to terminal diseases such as cancer for example, so you hear of
cases where suddenly people report to you with this alarming news that they were detected for
cancer.
And unfortunately, these are those people who are like teetotalers and they never had any bad
habits and they were eating only good vegetables and fruits, doing regular exercise and then what
went wrong? Now, it was found that mostly it is going to pollution which is affecting their lungs
and then other body parts and pesticides which are used in food products, preservatives which
are used in food products, so they are also responsible.
Now this only makes it imperative that we should take extreme care of our body because even
when you take care of it, you are helpless before an environment that is highly polluted and the
food that you take, there is no guarantee that it is free from pesticides which is likely to give you
any kind of terminal diseases, so when that is the case you need to build up your immunity, you
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need to develop strength and stamina so that is why it is important to manage your health by
regular exercise.
Now, look at the body, the body is the only place where the life-essence or the soul or whatever
form of life rests. So only in the body whatever you call as life can rest. Now, once the body gets
deceased, contaminated, polluted or affected by some disease and then slowly let us say the body
starts getting deteriorated and gets finally affected by any kind of disease so then the life-form
leaves the body, we call that as death, but that is the physical death of the body, the machine has
just stopped. And from malfunctioning it has just stopped functioning. So, to retain life energy in
the body and to make full use of it, one should keep the body fit by regular exercise.
What is exercise? Exercise is any activity that involves exerting your muscles in various ways to
keep yourself fit. Otherwise, muscle will reach a condition called muscle atrophy that is it
becomes very stable and fixed and it will lose its flexible nature. It will not have resilience and
then when it is losing its resilience and flexibility you will get muscle pull, you will get pain, you
will get spasms and so on. So it can be any form of physical activity like the basic walking,
slightly activated jogging or cycling, swimming, playing (any outdoor games), not the indoor,
card games or carom which consume very less energy and calories, but any outdoor games that
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you pursue actively so that comes under exercise but the most important point is that it has to be
consistent, so you cannot start something and leave it. So, if you do that consistently, so then it
will help you to maintain your health in a very good condition. If you can add exercise with
something else like yoga and meditation it will help you to safeguard yourself from stress that
attacks you at unprepared moments, because exercise is usually for the body although it gives
energy to the mind.
But combined with exercise, if you can add yoga and supplement that with meditation, so your
mind also remains calm and peaceful and it’s safeguarded from any attack from stress. So regular
exercise and add that with yoga and meditation and then the next question is that,
What time you have to do the exercise to make it beneficial? Now exercise, as such doing it any
time is beneficial, whether it is morning, afternoon, evening, night. So, when you exercise, it is
beneficial. In fact, you will hear about famous personalities who have develop their physique,
who have developed let us say a six pack body and all that, so they are known for exercising all
the time even while, let us say watching TV, so they may be having a kind of exercise that is
kept at home, some kind of equipment that can be used for cycling, okay or any active form is
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pursued instead of just literally lying on the couch. So, they don’t waste a single moment for
exerting themselves interms of exercise. So, on the one hand when I say that you can exercise
anytime because exercise itself is important but on the other hand, there are many studies,
research, and then factors, to prove that morning exercise is the most beneficial one or at least
more beneficial than other exercises.
So, as I said, although you can go for exercise as per a convenient time, you will gain optimum
benefit out of exercise if you are able to do it in the morning hours. So, some people will say that
oh it is very difficult because I have to leave as early as 7’o clock to my office. The point is, try
to get up slightly early than the time you get up normally and keep at least half an hour, 45
minutes for exercise and reduce the time that you go to bed, that is the time before you go to bed
so that will help you to balance your normal active time, instead of waking awake late at night
for one more hour, so you can sleep early and then add that time in the morning hours and use it
for exercise. So, you will be able to gain optimum benefit for one more reason, it is not just like
getting up and then energizing you in the morning when you go out and then rise along with the
rising Sun.
So, you get your supply of vitamin D from the Sun and then get energized from the morning
itself. So it is being told, especially people who are living in cold countries or people who are
spending most of the time in cold weather, even in India and if they are not exposed to sunlight
at all the time they are in dark spaces and then with dimly lit light and then when they go out it
is on car covered. So, they are never exposed to sun, so they can confront this problem of
vitamin D deficiency. So in order to avoid that, it suggested that at least 20 minutes you should
expose especially in the early morning hours so that you fill your quota of vitamin D, so that is
really good if you can even just walk around the nearby vicinity and then exposing yourself to
the Sun even for 20 to 30minutes, it is going to be very beneficial in the long run.
But having said this, so some of you may start and then again occasionally you may discontinue
exercise and then you prolong resuming that. So when you start it, resuming exercise is again
very important, okay, one may be compelled to discontinue exercise going to change in weather
conditions such as, sudden heavy rain, stormy weather, so it is not safe to go out and walk in the
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open air so you would like to be inside or some pressing commitments so you have to fill some
important painting activities, you have to finish it and then you have to stretch your working
hours so you are not able to get up early in the morning. So, you are not able to do, that is fine.
So, occasionally if it happens it’s okay, but you should not make that form as a bad habit and
then you just stop exercising at all. So, it is important that one resumes exercise at the earliest,
okay, the earlier the better. So, I will come to this point again, meanwhile, those who feel that it
is very difficult to start exercising at all.
So, I would like to give some tips for going for regular exercise. First, understand that the major
difficulty is in commencing any form of exercise. Either you need to decide overnight and then
just at that fit of the moment you have to decide tomorrow morning at 5:30 I will get up and I
will go to the ground, I may jog, I will do cycling, I will do yoga, whatever it is or I will play
some games, but then I will just go out and then start it. So that moment you decide, keep the
alarm and then get up and then go. So, that is one quick and efficient way of starting the exercise,
in some case you may not be decide that quickly, especially let us say if you are getting up at 9
O’ clock, 10 O’clock, so slowly then you have to advance your getting up time, so 9 O’clock has
to become 8 O’clock, 8:00 has to become 7: 30, then 7:00, then 6:30 , 6:00. So, for some people
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the gradual decrease in time, so that can help them to slowly manage any form of exercise.
However, you should understand that the difficulty is all in terms of starting. It is all said that,
it’s even till reaching the place where you want to exercise so it may be a ground, it maybe a
stadium, it may be a park, it may be a gym or it may be just going to the nearest river, lake or the
seashore or mountainous area, it’s just still reaching that spot, you need will and determination.
Once you reach, automatically the surrounding, the fresh air and then the birds chirping and then
the scenery that you see around that will motivate you to do something, so the trick is to just
make you get up and start and then reach that spot where you want to commence your exercise,
some of you have to push yourself up to that point, the rest will be taken care of automatically.
Now in case you find it very difficult to handle it at individual level, the next suggestion is to
join groups.
At least you have one friend, at least you have one colleague or even your business partner or
your spouse or your brother or sister with somebody and or a group you maintain and then you
decide that you will go to the gym or go for working at this particular time and then you call each
other, meet at a point, so one day even if you miss or you feel like missing the peer group
pressure will work on you so the other friend will say no, no come, let us instead of walking for
45 minutes let us walk for 30 minutes.
So, you will be feeling somewhat embarrassed to say no and that will put pressure on you to
maintain consistency. So joining groups is good for motivating you in case you don’t have self-
motivation and the third tip is that, keeping a goal in mind such as, if you are planning to thing
down, if you are planning to reduce your weight, planning that I am going to do exercise
particularly because I want to reduce my weight or let us say you have diabetes and doctor has
suggested that you should walk at least this 10,000 steps each day. So, I want to keep my
diabetes in control, so keeping a goal in mind and trying to achieve a target so in terms of
reducing weight you can say that I want to reduce 20 kilos before my marriage in the next year.
So, one-year time I have, so I will start reducing at least through two to three kilos each month
and then let me see that whether I am able to reduce more towards the end and somehow I should
reduce 20 kilos within this year.
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So, keeping this goal and setting a target for achieving this goal in terms of the limit of your
exercise in terms of the time in which you want to achieve the target that will help you remain
motivated. But the other interesting point you should know is, once your body gets habituated to
it and once your mind internalizes it and once your circadian rhythm is reset and adjusted let us
say you were all the time sleeping till you 8 o’ clock and then slowly you change this habit and
started getting up at five and then having a coffee and then refreshing yourself and reaching the
venue at 5:30 for your exercise.
Now in about one month and one and half months, this habit will be internalized and even if you
want to give it up, this will give you prompting by making you feel restless the day you miss
reaching the venue and doing some exercise. So, the trick again is to get this internalized, get this
as a spontaneous activity so that even if you leave it, your own body should be telling you oh!
you skipped it I am feeling Restless I am NOT happy with what you have done today. So
tomorrow take me again and slightly do more, so that I am happy. So, if that inner Drive is
triggered automatically and if you help to do that so then nobody can stop you from doing
exercise.
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Now, on days when you cannot again do really exercise because of some work pressure, because
of an important event or as I said, any kind of disastrous situation that forced you to exert more
time on work and minimize your regular exercise. Now, on those days when you miss your
exercise, supplement it by other alternatives. So instead of going by car or bike to your work
what you can do is, you can just walk, you can walk to your office if it is walkable or you can
cycle.
If you can go by cycle, slightly go let us say 15 minutes or 20 minutes in advance and then when
you reach the office, instead of going by lift you can climb stairs and sooner or later what will
happen when you start doing these supplemented activities, sometimes you may enjoy your
supplemented activities, so eventually you can make them regular also. This I am saying apart
from your regular exercise, you may resume your regular exercise.
But, still you feel that apart from going to gym and then jogging on the treadmill, so I also feel
that I should walk to the office or cycle to the office, okay and I should instead of just having
bath at my bathroom I should also go to the swimming pool and enjoy taking a swim and then
having another bath in the evening or so. These supplemented activities will also add up to give
you that extra boost in managing your health.
Now, if all these things are not working out try to make it attractive, try to make exercise a fun.
Today there are so many electronic gadgets and use the latest gadgets to monitor your health. So
today you can use your mobile, there are very good apps, I don’t want to advertise apps, you
yourself can explore so many apps, you can use them on your mobile, you can use them on your
watch, these days these electronic gears have come by which you can connect your mobile with
the watch and then track your steps basically at least the 10,000 for a day count.
You can check your heart rate, you can check your pulse rate and then you can even set alerts
which will tell you that oh! you are sitting for a long time, why don’t you take a quick walk so
that will keep you motivated and at the same time if you walk your 10,000 steps for that day you
will get a icon, so that comes as if a person rewarding you, so it will show you a cup and it will
say that you have achieved your target so that will again motivate you in a very funny manner.
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Or in case you are interested in your looks and appearance and then you are interested in
shopping and all that, then you should promise yourself new running shoes or sportswear
provided you start exercising regularly, you can tell yourself that okay, if I complete atleast 45
days, so then I will go for better shoes and something that is costly if I go for six months okay, so
you tell yourself, promise yourself and then treat yourself with these kind of costumes.
The other interesting way by which you can make it attractive is, by participating in local
competitions, so people organize local competitions even for walking, cycling and then there are
marathons and then occasionally you may win also. So, you will feel encouraged by small
victories if you are able to participate in local competitions. But, the most important point is that
once you have formed, gained a kind of rhythm by your continuous and then consistent efforts,
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you should avoid breaking the rhythm, you should avoid breaking it especially for very minor
reasons particularly a slight cold, light fever, slight headache, some sneezing. Now, these are
sometimes convincing excuses for giving up exercise for some time, some days, but then you
should not yield to these kinds of convincing excuses, in fact they are lame excuses. If you really
want to make yourself stronger, you should ignore these slight ones, of course if your fever is
very high and then even you feel very weak so it is not advisable to go to the gym and then exert
yourself.
But you should realize that all minor ailments will disappear with persistent exercise okay, of
course you can minimize the intensity if you really feel less energetic on those days, so let us say
if you walk for 45 minutes at least 15 to 20 minutes you should take a quick walk so that the
rhythm is not broken and just before concluding I would like to give you one more tip so when
you exhaust yourself, let us say interms of jogging particularly, and then if you are let us say if
you are taking rounds on some stadium and then first day you take two rounds, second day 3,4
and then slowly you reach up to 10 rounds, you will find that you will start palpitating and then
you will feel tempted to open your mouth and then use the mouth for breathing. Now, you should
not inhale or exhale using the mouth so this is very important because even when you find it
difficult to exhale, inhale through your nostrils you should avoid using your mouth, you should
keep your mouth shut and use only the nostrils for breathing and that is the key to reducing
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weight, because when you open it and inhale as well as exhale using your mouth especially while
inhaling you are inhaling lot of air.
Then, that is not going to help you to reduce your weight, but you may reduce or not, but then
you avoid taking so much of air by opening your mouth, but that will also help you to build your
stamina.
So, with this note, let me conclude with some thoughts for you to think it over further from very
good philosophers and eminent people. The first one is from Arnold H. Glasgow, he says that,
“Your body is the baggage you must carry through life.” So your body is the baggage you must
carry through life. “The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip.” So, the more excess
particularly interms of weight, so gaining weight becoming obese, gaining fat, getting cholesterol
then added with cholesterol you get blood pressure, and then along with blood pressure, diabetes
joins.
So, the more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip. And look at the next famous quote from
Thomas Jefferson, he says: “We never repent of having eaten too little.” In fact this is given as a
tip for those people who have stomach related problems, those who get stomach upset very easily
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so it suggested that they should slightly eat less, instead of stuffing the stomach with the food
items, so instead of filling it or instead of overfilling the stomach instead of overeating because
as it is said we never repent of having eaten too little.
But we always repent of having eaten too more, too much than what is required and the last one
from the famous philosopher Socrates he says that, “The rest of the world lives to eat, while I eat
to live.” And it is a question that you need to ask whether you, like the rest of the people, you
live to eat that means you keep on eating, there are people like they always keep something in
there hand, so some kind of chocolates or some kind of cookies in their hand and some food item
in the car, some items for munching in the office. So, wherever they go, the fridge is stuffed with
lot of food items and any slight opportunity they keep eating. So they say that they enjoy eating
but then it looks like as if their entire life is dependent on eating only, whereas, you should ask
yourself whether you would like to be like Socrates who says that, I eat to live which means for
him eating is only a need, a basic requirement and that has to be fulfilled so that you live your
life satisfactorily. So, do not make that as a predominating one so that it destroys the comfort and
happiness of your life itself. So, with this thought, let me just tell you to go through these two
reference books.
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One is, Are you Killing yourself Mr. Executive? and the other one, especially, if you want to
reduce your weight, Thinking Thin is the book that I already explained in the previous one. So,
thank you for watching this video, I will come back to you with one more thought on Managing
Health and in the next video, so let us focus on How You Can Manage Your Diet as well as How
You Can Manage Your Sleep. So, till then, have a good sleep, eat well, eat sufficiently well and
then stay happy, stay healthy. Thank you.
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Course Title
Lecture - 33
Managing Health-2: Diet and Sleep
by…
Hello, hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality we are on the
7th week, third unit and on the whole 33rd lesson.
And this is the second part of Managing Health and in this unit, in particular we will focus on
Diet and Sleep. As usual, we will take a look at the highlights of the last lesson.
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We understood in the last lesson that health is a state of complete physical, mental, and social
well-being that is the definition by WHO and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity. So,
in order to maintain this balance that is to come through a physical reinforcement and along with
mental and social well-being so, you need to actually keep your body in very fit condition, so we
learnt in that context that timely upkeep of body is required for preventing it from untimely
malfunctioning.
So, body needs to help you in crucial circumstances, it should not let you down when you need it
the most. We understood that to retain life-energy and to make full use of it, one should keep the
body fit by regular exercise. Exercise, as such is any activity that involves exerting your muscles
in various space to keep yourself fit. So, you can enjoy doing anything that you feel that it is just
fun to do, it can be walking or cycling, swimming or playing tennis or squash or playing football,
volleyball, hockey.
So, anything that will exert your muscles so that is the most important thing. Adding yoga and
Meditation will help you to safeguard yourself from stress that attacks you at unprepared
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moments and we also found in this context that morning exercise will be the most beneficial
because you will get the benefit of getting vitamin D by exposing yourself to the sunlight in the
morning.
While we learnt how to resume discontinued exercise, we also got a clear grasp of the ways in
which we can maintain going for regular exercise, so in that context we learnt some tips as how
we can maintain going for exercise in a regular manner and then on days when you miss yoga
exercise you can supplement it by other alternatives such as walking or cycling to the office,
climbing stairs, instead of using lift, keeping the car in the car parking area at a distance so that
you at least walk to the car in case you took your car.
So, these are slight supplementary activities you can do when you are not able to do normal
exercises and then you can also make exercise attractive by using the latest gadgets treating
yourself with nice sports costumes and by joining local competitions and getting boosted up by
small victories. Finally, I suggested to you that you should never break the rhythm and the
momentum gained just because of some minor ailments because those ailments will disappear
once you persist with your exercise.
Of course, you can minimize the intensity, the duration but for consistency’s sake, you should
not get carried away by slight headache or slight cold or cough and then just stop exercise for a
long time. So, with that thought I also added that we just looked at exercise we will also look at
the other two important aspects of maintaining managing your health that is diet as well as sleep.
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Now eating well, so diet amounts not just to controlling your food habits, but it means eating
well, so no exercise programme is complete without balancing it with appropriate and adequate
diet. Even thinning down people get cheated by attractive crash course programs saying that, so
we will reduce your tummy 30 days, we will make you thin in 40 days, and then they will say
that or they will force you to do lot of exercise just focusing on the particular spot that is your
stomach but those things are not going to help you completely if you are not going to add your
diet or learn how to balance your diet with the exercise that you are doing.
It has to be complemented by the food that you eat. So, basically you should ensure that you eat
three regular meals per day and those who are interested in losing weight should eat less they
should never overeat but then, they should eat frequently like four to five or even six times a day
to increase the metabolism. But, in either case one should never skip the breakfast and as the
proverb goes, one should eat like a king in the morning and eat like a popper at night. Instead of
skipping, you should rather eat a heavy and rich breakfast and even lunch should also not be
avoided, whatever work pressure it may be.
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Something has to be taken and preferably at the same time. If you are used to taking lunch at 1
O’ clock, all the time you should take lunch at 1 O’clock if it is 12: 30 it should be 12:30. So,
then only the metabolism will be kept very active. Light dinner should be taken, it should not be
heavy, it should not be too spicy and ideally before 7 p.m. there are many who are habituated to
take it before sunset that’s again very ideal, but at least before 7 p.m.
So, when you keep on delaying it again it’s contributing to lot of ill effects on your body. There
are interesting books which you can use to understand what type of food that will suit your body
type and your lifestyle. For example, there is one very famous book by Dr. Peter D’ Adamo who
wrote this with Catherine Whitney, the title of the book is Eat Right 4 Your Type. Now what the
authors are trying to tell is that, you need to eat the right kind of food for your blood type.
So based on your blood type, whether it is A or B, O, okay, whether it is positive or negative so

depending on that, so they recommend certain diet for you. So eating that can save you from
certain allergic reactions of your body or save you from obesity or save you from hormonal
imbalances and all that so since my interest is not in going deep into those aspects if you are
interested you should go deep and then identify what suits your body and then fix your diet
accordingly but the point is to eat well, eat rich food and eat in time and keep the frequency that
is three, four, five, six, okay. Three, the normal one, and not missing any of them, so that will
help you to maintain good metabolism and stay healthy.
Although, these books will give you some kind of scientific awareness but even without that kind
of scientific awareness, you can help yourself by using your common sense in ensuring certain
simple things such as, you should avoid all white food and choose all naturally colored ones so
that means you should avoid white food like, Maida and Maida products, ghee for example it
looks white, try to avoid white colored ones and then particularly salt and sugar, rather you
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should choose green vegetables and even within vegetables you have lot of colorful vegetables
like carrots and beetroot and all that and colorful fruits, different colors, okay. So, enjoy eating
all these fruits so that is one simple step you can take and then you should eat plenty of fruits and
vegetables preferably the seasonal fruits and vegetables whatever is available during that season.
So that is really healthy and it should be fresh even if you are to pay a slightly extra money for
something that is organic, something that is taken fresh from the garden so you shouldn’t mind
paying that and you should save yourself from food which have been preserved, food that needs
to be preserved and hence preservatives are used. So, you should try to avoid those ones, so
make it fresh and then go for seasonal ones and ensure that daily you will have rich source of
minerals and vitamins from these food intakes.
And get the right balance of carbohydrates, proteins, and fats and to add apart from this food
intake, drink minimum two liters of uncontaminated water every day. So, I am particular about
uncontaminated water, so you may use whatever good water purifier but then it is important that
you should drink uncontaminated water, pure water, two liters at least in a day, more the merrier
but at least 2 liters and do not drink carbonated that is all kind of colas and soft drinks which you
get and alcoholic drinks.
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So completely try to avoid this if you want to live longer and healthy. The next point, apart from
the dietary tips that I have given you so far, is related to maintaining health in terms of managing
your sleep.
Early to bed and early to rise as the proverb goes, will make a man healthy, wealthy and wise
provided the person who goes to bed enjoys a sound sleep till the morning. So, the proverb will
not work out if you are disturbed in your sleep and then if you are not taking a sound sleep.
There are interesting books like Kacper Postawski’s Powerful Sleep—Secrets of the Inner Sleep
Clock. I have given the reference to this book at the end you can just browse it from the net itself.
So, such books actually analyze sleep with scientific precision and offers very beneficial
insights. However, if you learn how to discipline your body especially by doing exercise, you
will be able to get adequate sleep at night and just this disciplining and getting adequate sleep
can also be ensured by some simple steps which I would like to suggest to you.
The first one is, when you exercise regularly, you will normally get good sleep at night. So that
is the most important benefit of exercise and slightly if you push yourself in whatever form of
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exercise, you will get that deep, sound sleep and nobody can disturb you, no noise can affect
your sleep because the body feels fully exhausted, the muscle would like to relax and then you
get good sleep. Secondly, a short nap helps in quick rejuvenation so 15 minutes nap, sometimes
they call this as power nap so even in office when you sit on your chair you can close your eyes
and then just take a nap even if you are aware of what is happening around just closing your eyes
and relaxing. So that itself will rejuvenate, so 20minutes, 30 minutes is fine but then if it is going
to be stretched for let us say two hours, somebody sleeping for three hours in the afternoon
which is actually becoming an extended sleep or truncated sleep, so that is not going to give you
quality sleep at night. So, this long nap or short sleep in the afternoon should be avoided, so if at
all you have to take it has to be 15 minutes, at the most of 45 minutes but not more than that.
Eating heavy spicy food at late night can affect the quality of sleep. So, what you have to do is
that after eating that food, you should at least take short walk so that it again helps in your
metabolism and then contribute to getting good sleep. Using mobile phone, laptop on bed will
eventually kill sleep because you will sleep with the gadget and then you that you will all the
time feel like watching what is happening there, so working on the laptop and then just dozing
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off so that is not going to give you good sleep. In fact, the bedroom should be free from any
electronic gadgets (particularly, TV).
It’s really a bad habit to just watch TV and then fall asleep without even knowing when you fell
asleep. Keep the environment of the bedroom clean, you can use oxygen generating plants like
Aloe Vera to keep the air pure. You should wash as well as change the bed sheets and pillow
covers once in a week and you should also use a pillow that you feel cozy and comfortable for
resting your head. So, if a pillow is giving you some kind of uncomfort, change it, find
something by which you will be able to rest your head peacefully and get sleep.
And same thing goes for your feet also, if you need a pillow for your feet for additional comfort
use it and it will help you if you can sleep at the same place of your bed and at the same hour to
make sleep a spontaneous, normal, regular activity. You go, lie on the same bed, same place and
then the same pillow which is clean and neat and then put your feet, use the same bed sheet and
then just as soon as you lie, within three to five minutes you should be able to like, switch off
your machine and then you should be able to just go too deep sleep.
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So, train yourself towards that kind of sleep. Also, you should train yourself to get up without an
alarm, by which, you will ensure complete sleep. Now what happens you may need let us say
asleep for half an hour more, which you can even adjust by hurrying up or taking bath quickly
since you have kept an alarm you get up at the time but then you just again snooze it and then
again it alarms gives the alarm after 10 minutes, again you snooze it, then another 10 minutes
now you are just only disturbing your sleep and then you will not feel active even after you get
up. Instead, if you use your instinct, if you use your circadian rhythm, if you train yourself tell
yourself and then make yourself conscious with regard to the surroundings and the time. So, you
will be able to get up on your own if you decide that you have to get up at 5:15, 5:30, 6: 00, 7:15
so you can do that by practice. So, avoid using this alarm, today this alarm has become a very
disturbing thing, it has become an extended organic component of the human beings which you
should try to discard.
And then the next suggestion I would like to give is with regard to the duration that you need.
So, while children need up to 10 to 11 hours of sleep and the young babies would need even13 to
16 hours and adult will need about eight hours of sleep in standard terms. A regularly exercise
body supported by meditation and yoga can sustain with 5 to 6 hours of sleep also so people who
are super trained in yoga and meditation so from a very long time so they will be able to
maintain with six hours five hours also. But normally, you will need seven to eight hours so
while sleeping in order to gain these seven to eight hours you can focus on other things such as
keeping the bedroom as dark as possible because some people get distracted by light and then it
takes long time to reach that unconscious level. So, keep it as dark as possible and then I said do
not use mobile, so in case you just keep it on the bed and sleep remember to switch it off or keep
it in silent mode so getting frequently disturbed by mobile calls or notifications from social
media is the easiest way to get insomnia, that is sleeplessness. Your mind always is troubled, and
it is not used to getting long sleep for six to eight hours in a stable, peaceful manner.
In case you are having problem getting sleep quickly, listen to light soothing music so only in
case that you do not get sleep for a long time otherwise you should be getting sleep naturally.
Some people use this method of counting sheep so that also helps in some cases like they
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imagine counting sheep okay, so you have to count, so you have to visualize one herd of sheep
and then you have to start counting one, two, three, four, and then normally, it’s experience that
when reach about 100, you may fall asleep without even knowing that you have fallen asleep.
Okay, eating a banana an hour before bedtime, and or drinking a glass of warm milk can act as
sedatives to make you relax and get sound sleep. Again, even if these ones do not help some
people use breathing exercises so they sit for 15- 20 minutes, they breathe, they take a very deep
breath inside themselves, they take deep breathing and then exhaling so that also helps them
relieve all stress and then relax, having a bath so can also give you good sleep.
Now having understood that how you can gain good sleep, let me conclude this with cautioning
you as how you should avoid sleep deprivation and why you should avoid it also, if you reduce
your sleep and that can become dangerous.
So, as I said seven to eight hours of sleep is required for adults, sleeping less than six hours are
only for two to three hours are not sleeping at all can be really dangerous. So, lack of sleep
causes mood swings so people you get irritable, suddenly angry and it also accounts for poor
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concentration, so listening power is reduced, you cannot concentrate on anything that’s
happening, it can be combined with some persisting headache, also in terms of your bowel
movement it can obstruct normal bowel movement. So, it can cause constipation leading to
fissures and fistulas and other unnecessary complications, it can also result in loss of appetite,
but the worst thing is that it increases the blood pressure and enhances the flow of toxic
secretions in the body affecting many vital organs leading to sudden collapse and imminent
death. There are many stories, there was a story about a CEO in Mumbai.
So, who is otherwise very fit and then goes to the gym regularly, works out like anything,
morning, evening, afternoon, very good in diet and then very good in communication skills, very
loud leader and all that. But one day, one morning he was just found dead, people found that in
his passion for achieving more goals, more targets for the company he was exerting himself and
then slowly he reduced his sleeping hours, there were days he was doing without sleep and the
average sleep that he was getting was just two hours, so it just killed him. Eventually, one day
when he got sudden heart attack and then he just died on the spot. Overall, sleep is one of those
rare things that money cannot buy.
So you will remain blissful if you train yourself to sleep as soon as you go to your bed and sleep
for seven to eight hours without any disturbance that is a bliss and that is possible by training
yourself, by using exercise, by following the suggestions that I have given you and using your
own appropriate improvisations in this kind of exercise so you will be able to maintain that
balance between mind, body and the emotional socializing that is also required to keep yourself
free from stress.
Let me conclude this with the secret of good living, the secret of living well. this is from a
Tibetian Proverb, it goes like this—
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“The secret to living well and longer is: eat half, walk double, laugh triple and love without
measure.” So far in this course, we have discussed about maintaining your health, maintaining
diet, I suggested how you can use diet which actually amounts to not overeating so it is
something like eating half, walking double is your ability to add to your exercise and we already
did something about using laughter in communication and the importance of humour in
communication and developing your soft skills and personality. So, laugh triple, so more than the
amount that is required and then love without measure is something that I would like to discuss
in the coming lessons. So, once again, I wish you to live well and live longer and these are the
two books that I gave quick reference, one is on, Eating Right by identifying the diet that is
required for your blood group.
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And the other one is about getting Powerful Sleep and then resetting your Inner Sleep Clock. I
hope with these suggestions, with these recommendations and then motivations you will start
your exercise program, you will eat well and you will also sleep well and peacefully and I hope
you will start enjoying this journey of living a very happy and healthy life, so wish you all the
best and have a very nice day. Thank you so much for watching this video.
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Course Title
Lecture - 34
Love and Personality
by…
Hello! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
I am Ravichandran from the Department of Humanities and Social Sciences of IIT Kanpur. I am
giving you this course through NPTEL MOOC. This is 7th week and the fourth unit and this is
on the whole 34th lesson and this unit I am going to introduce a very interesting concept that you
might all be enjoying in terms of even now, watching and listening to it that is Love and
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Personality. So, let us see how love is interlinked with personality and how do people perceive
you when you are in love with someone and in terms of professional commitments, so what does
it mean and then why is it that somebody is in love with someone is normally liked by people in
general? What is it this feeling doing to the personality? So, before we go deep into this concept,
look at what we did in the previous lesson, highlights of the last lesson.
We understood the significance of managing health by eating and sleeping well. So, when we
don’t eat or sleep well, it actually shows up on our face. Our skin lacks lustre and dark patches
appear below our eyes. So hence, any physical exercise needs to be balanced with appropriate
diet and adequate sleep. You should ensure that you eat three regular meals per day starting with
a heavy breakfast, moderate lunch and light dinner that is preferably before 7 p.m. You should
avoid all white coloured food, particularly Maidas, salt and sugar and then eat as many
vegetables and fruits as possible, we should drink minimum two litres of uncontaminated water
per day.
And at the same time, you should avoid any carbonated or alcoholic drinks. Besides, sleeping in
time for seven to eight hours is a must for maintaining good health. You can ensure sound sleep
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by avoiding the following: taking naps for long hours in the afternoon, eating heavily at late
night, using electronic gadgets on the bed, keeping mobile or laptop just on your side, watching
TV so those things should be avoided and at the same time you can get good sleep by keeping
the environment of the bedroom clean, keeping the bed sheets, pillow covers washed regularly,
changed frequently, at least once in a week and then using a cozy pillow for resting your head
and feet will all make you comfortable and make you get a very good sleep. At the same time,
we also learnt that lack of sleep can be dangerous as apart from causing many diseases it can also
lead to sudden collapse and caused imminent death of a person.
Overall, we learnt that all fatal diseases are caused by wrong food choice, toxic food ingredients,
nutritional deficiencies, and lack of physical exercise. Now in this unit, if you remember while
concluding the previous one, I said that for a very happy life so you should be able to eat half
and then exercise double, laugh triple and love without any measure and I assured you that let us
look at how you can love limitless without any measure, unconditionally and what are the
benefits of experiencing this emotion called love.
Now Love and Personality: A person in love as per definition, has a great affection or liking, this
is a simple definition of love. Now, if somebody is taking to the extreme or getting addicted or
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making is a very negative thing it is a wrong way of interpreting love, but the correct way is, just
to take it as a positive emotion, something that is expressed as a liking or as a great affection so
instead of saying the normal affection I like you, it goes beyond that likeness. Now while, love is
generally narrow down to romantic love so normally when we talk in terms of love, we think that
it is about romantic love, it is between man and woman, boy and girl, dealing with infatuation
and then less and then slowly it might mature into the form of genuine love.
But it can be extended to any forms of deep affection as the following like, Motherly love, the
nurturing care that mother gives, okay, Fatherly love, Brotherly love, his son’s love for his father
or mother, as well as the daughter’s love for her father/mother, a student’s love for his teacher,
mentor, a worker’s love for his boss, mentor, man’s love in general for animals, especially pet
animals, so there are people who love their cats or dogs so much than even human beings and
then man, so people love to grow trees, plants, flowers, okay, so live in beautiful, natural
surroundings.
So these are also various forms of love, but normally when you say love, people think that it is
something that is expressed on a particular day like Valentine’s Day in the form of a card, but the
one who understands real love knows that all days are Valentine’s Day and then love is
something that is not just expressed in that form and when a person is in love, genuine love, it
radiates through the entire personality she or he becomes lovable by all owing to the positive
qualities she or he will be exemplifying.
Love is rather a combination of the following: understanding, optimism, goodness, truth, faith,
fairness, friendship, responsibility, caring, compassion, respect and surrender. One can make the
list longer in terms of adding all positive qualities, but I would like to explain what is love
through famous philosophical thinking, through well written poems which try to make you get a
grasp of what is real love. Instead of telling you in terms of adjectives and words, I just want you
to feel what it is. So, let us look at some very famous enumerations of love in the form of poetic
expressions, philosophic thoughts and then let us try to understand the qualities of love.

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So, let’s see various qualities, parameters, and expectations from someone who is in love with
something. So, the first important criterion of love is, love is beyond doubt, it is doubtless, it is
complete faithfulness, so there is a small poem from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, and this is
what Hamlet’s way of expressing his love to his lady love Ophelia. He actually sends this as a
kind of love letter and see it is small, but it is very poetic, delicate and then convincing. He says:
“Doubt thou the stars are fire, so thou is you saying that you may doubt that the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move, so you may even doubt whether this sun is moving or not. Doubt
truth to be a liar, so he may even doubt truth, But never doubt I love.” So, he says that you
should not ever doubt about the credibility of my feeling for you, so love, one particular quality,
Shakespeare points out is, this that it is beyond doubt and then again his sonnets or the ones in
which you can really understand the other parameters that he sets for true love. In one of the
most famous sonnets, that is sonnet 116: “Let Me Not to the Marriage of True Minds”, so he
emphasizes the point that love is constant and eternal.
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So, it is like an ever-fixed mark he says, so it is worth reading the poem and understanding that
and getting a grasp of what he tries to talk about love, he says, “Let me not to the marriage of
true minds Admit impediments.” So, at the outset itself he says that, love is the bridge of true
minds it is an intellectual intercourse, it is a marriage of true minds, two minds marrying each
other, liking each other, its first the intellectual likeness, affinity. So, he says that, if the true
minds have liked each other he says I will not put any hurdles, I will not admit impediments and
then he goes on to qualify what is love, he says: “Love is not love which alters when it alteration
finds.” So love is not love, he is trying to define, which alters when it alteration finds, that is if it
can alter change at a slight opportunity for changing so then it is not love. Meaning: so,
somebody, let us say a girl is in love with a boy who is with a bike, okay. Now there is another
person who is coming with a very posh foreign car and then that person is also trying to show
interest in the girl and the girl changes, okay, so that is what he says, it is not something that
alters when it alteration finds.
If there is a chance if the mind changes, he says that’s not true love or bends with the remover to
remove so or it yields to somebody who is trying to change the mind and then it changes. “O, no!
it is an ever-fixed mark,” so it is constant he says, it is an ever-fixed mark, That looks on
tempests and is never shaken: It is like the lighthouse it is fixed and, “It is the star to every
wandering bark,” another metaphor he gives is, it’s like the northern star, the pole star so that is
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fixed and then that gives direction to every wandering bark, so every ships so which sail on the
sea, so that will be able to get guidance from this ever-fixed mark, “Whose worth’s unknown,
although his height be taken.” So, we can measure the height, okay. But then the worth is
immeasurable then he later says that, “Love’s not Time’s fool,” time is personified here and then
he says that it is not the fool of time because time cannot come and cheat love. “Though rosy lips
and cheeks Within his bending sickle’s compass come;” so time is personified at somebody who
is coming with the sickle and is able to cut through all rosy lips and cheeks, meaning: so all
physical beauty, physical hallmarks of beauty says that time can change. So, if somebody fell in
love with some outwardly appearance, he says that will change in time. But “Love alters not with
his brief hours and weeks,” but love will not change because time is changing, “But bears it out
even to the edge of doom.” So, it will go till the dooms day that is even after death, there is
judgment’s day love will be lasting even beyond that point of time. And then he says, he
challenges people: “If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.” So
he says, if you prove that I am wrong in this, so I will never write anymore poem and then it also
implies that no man ever loved. So, love is this, constancy of purpose and it is eternal, it leaves
even beyond death, time cannot control love, so that’s Shakespeare.
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But at the same time, today you know that love is taken too literal and then it simply amounts to
saying these three magical words “I love you”, but as it is explained by another great poet, D. H.
Lawrence, Love is not in saying “I love you” so love is something that you show in deed not in
words, and in fact he says it is beyond words and another thing he says that if you are trying to
use words to manipulate your love he says it is not love, it is a kind of mind perverted love and
you only make mess of love but there is no love actually. And then, he talks about his one
instance, where he actually made a mess of it and he explains how. So, “We’ve made a great
mess of love Since we made an ideal of it.” So, it is not like idealizing something, keeping
somebody as an idol and then worshipping the other person like we have studied in this fixed
mindset and growth mindset. So, growth mindset actually allows somebody to criticize, whereas
in fixed mindset the person wants the partner to be something like a romantic partner to be
worshipped and idolized.
So he says that by making an ideal of it, okay so instead of looking that as a practical thing that
you can leap through by supporting each other, we made an ideal of it and so we made a mess of
it and then he says: “The moment I swear to a woman, a certain woman, all my life that is I
promise to give all my life to this woman, the moment I begin to hate her.” So, the meaning is
that, the moment I commit, that I am giving a bond, I am writing in bond that I will love you
forever, he says that moment I start hating her because love is something that you cannot mind,
you cannot commit, it is unconditional. “The moment I even say to a woman: I love you! — My
love dies down considerably,” okay, so you will find that true love is never expressed through
these words and then he says that when I say that my love dies down considerably. “The moment
love is an understood thing between us,” even if you understand he says, “we are sure of it, It’s a
cold egg, it isn’t love anymore.” He says, you should give it this flexibility, it should be flexible,
you should not try to fix it and then he makes another comparison, he says, “Love is like a
flower, it must flower and fade; If it doesn’t fade, it is not a flower, It’s either an artificial rag
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blossom, or an immortelle, for the cemetery.” So, here again he is talking about the fluctuating
nature of love, he says that it should be able to flower and fade, so there should be understanding
and even misunderstanding and then love is something that should be able to withstand both of
these situations in life. If you are not having that, he says it is just like an artificial blossom
decorated on a carpet and that stays forever in the same manner.
And then, the modern love, where mind interferes, mind manipulates, “The moment the mind
interferes with love or the will fixes on it, or the personality assumes it as an attribute or the ego
takes possession of it, It is not love anymore, it’s just a mess. And we’ve made a great mess of
love, mind-perverted, will-perverted, ego-perverted love.” So, what is he implying is, love is
something that cannot be manipulated by mind. The first thing that you should give up in love is
ego and forever you should not bring this ego in between, will should not come, will in the sense
trying to control, take domination of the other person, now if these things are all there, he says
that then you only make a mess of love, you do not actually have real love.
This is according to D. H. Lawrence and he typifies the modern condition in which love is not
actually growing like a leaf to the tree in a very spontaneous manner, so it’s WhatsApp,
Facebook and then it’s literally manipulated and then one’s assets and possessions are being
estimated and then the material wealth has been taken into consideration before actually even
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emotionally feeling that this person can actually love it becomes a kind of staged, managed
thing and that is what he says, then you are actually making a mess of love it is not true love, it is
not real love. Similar thought is expressed by Khalil Gibran in his famous poem, “Love One
Another” where he tries to emphasize the point that, “Love is not keeping someone in bondage.”
He says “Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.” So you see, he says that, give enough space, “so love one another but
make not a bond of love, do not make a bondage” but rather a sea can move between the shores
of your souls, let there be sufficient gap, so you be independent at the same time you try to be
interdependent also. That is what he says in the next few lines, “Give your hearts, but not into
each other’s keeping. So, you give but then it is not for the possession of the other one, or not to
be kept in bondage for only the hand of life can contain your hearts.” So the hand of life is a all-
encompassing life, so where your hearts can be contained, not to one single particular person.
And stand together yet not too near together: “So, you can be standing together, but not too near”
together in the sense, too much of leaning on each other. “For the pillars of the temple stand
apart,” so if you want to raise something like a temple, something that is holy, something that is
sacred, something that is highly respectful, highly dignified, so then you need to keep them like
pillars of the temple, they stand apart and then they support the temple. So, you should not stand
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close and lean on each other and keep bondage of each other, make slave of one to the other and
then he gives another interesting example he says, “And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in
each other’s shadow.” So, if you look at the tall trees like the oak and cypress, so they grow tall,
they are self-reliant and then they are not depending on some other trees, not in each other’s
shadow, so they are highly independent. So, here he tries to highlight the point that love is
something that is independent, but capable of being interdependent, but it’s not going to keep
someone in bondage so that is his vision of love.
Let us look at Richard Lovelace idea about love, where he talks about this in his poem, “To
Althea from Prison.” So here he says that, Love is complete freedom. In the poem, actually the
poet is trying to depict a situation in which this was an autobiographical incident, where he was
imprisoned for some reason and then in the prison he wrote the poem to his ladylove Althea and
look at what he says, he says, “Stone walls do not a prison make, Nor iron bars a cage; he says
all these stone walls which are surrounding me cannot make a prison for me, nor iron bars a
cage,” they cannot cage me, my spirit, my love.
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Again, he is emphasizing on the fact that love is freedom, and it’s such a free spirit that nobody
can find it. “Minds innocent and quiet take That for an hermitage;” so, when you put me inside,
it is just like a hermitage. “If I have freedom in my love and in my soul, am free, so implies that I
am actually free in my love, and in my soul also I am free. Angels alone, that soar above, Enjoy
such liberty.” So the love that I am experiencing, even if you put in my prison and the spirit in
which I am able to connect to my lady love, only angels they will be able to enjoy the kind of
Liberty that I am enjoying.
Similar thought is echoed by Richard Bach, so in simple words he says that, “If you love
someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.” So if
you really someone he says don’t keep them with you, don’t crush them or cage them with your
love, but then you set them free, allow them to do whatever they want to do and if the love is
real, they will come back to you and they will stay with you and then it’s yours and if they don’t,
it means they never were they, they never were with you.
And then, the most interesting and most appealing one actually comes from the Bible, where it
tries to emphasize the point that Love is unconditional and all-encompassing: It is from
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Corinthians, so let us read this and then I will explain simultaneously. “If I speak in the tongues
of men and of angels, but have not love, so he says that if I speak any languages, I may be a very
wise man, I may be able to speak so many languages and just even like angels, but have not love
if my heart is not able to feel for someone, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol. I
am just an inanimate sounding thing that is all, so my language has no meaning, my words are
just useless sounds. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all
knowledge, so I may have the gift of for seeing things, I am may be able to collect all wisdom
from the world, I may have that much capability and if I have a faith that can move mountains
but have not love, I am nothing.” So even if I have faith, but it’s without love he says I am
nothing. “If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love
I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast;” so it is patient.
So, it can go beyond certain limits of tolerance it’s always patient and it is kind, it is
compassionate. So, in some of the earlier versions of this bible, instead of the word love, charity
is used, so you can understand that charity, the compassion that you have for fellow feeling, so
that is interpreted as love and is kind. It does not envy, it does not feel jealous about somebody,
somebody’s possession, it does not boast, so it’s not something that you show off, it’s not proud
okay, so with proud arrogance comes. It is not showing one’s arrogance, it is not rude, it is not
self-seeking, it is not easily angered, so when you really love someone you cannot get angry with
the person, it keeps no record of wrongs, so when you love someone it is for warts and all, for
accepting one’s limitation and it is not keeping a record of wrong and saying tit for tat, you did
something wrong so I will do that for you and prove you how it hurt me on that day. “And love
does not delight in evil,” so it doesn’t enjoy doing bad thing at all, “but rejoices with the truth,” it
enjoys being truthful, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. “Love
never fails . . . And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is
love.” So, of all the human emotions, so here it is said that love is the most important one
because it is all-encompassing, and it is unconditional, it cannot get angry, it is patient and it is
truthful, it protects a trust and hopes and perseveres.
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Let me conclude with one more interesting thought from Khalil Gibran, where he says that love
is something that gives you direction: “And when you love you should not say, ‘God is in my
heart,’ but rather, I am in the heart of God,” because you are almost becoming divine, okay,
instead of saying I feel God in me, you can rather say I am in the heart of God. “Think not you
can direct the course of love,” you will not direct the course of love, you will not give some
direction to how your love should proceed, “for love, if it finds you worthy, if it considers you
worthy, directs your course,” it will give you direction. “Love has no other desire but to fulfill
itself.”
Now the point that it gives you direction is very interesting because, you hear so many stories of
people who have literally crossed any mountains, seas, just to achieve something for the person
that they love so much. So, it need not be a romantic partner, but it could be for children, it could
be for parents, it could be for some business partners, friends. I was touched by a story of a very
old man who is going to work every day even at the age of 70, 80 and getting some daily wage
just to take care of the education of his granddaughter who lost her parents in an accident.
So that love has a direction, has a purpose so that he should make her educated, so he is keeping
this old man pull along even in his old age and he goes for work he gets some money he ensures
that this small girl gets education, so that is one example. But there are so many examples where
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you know that just once you know that you can feel for someone, so you learn that it’s giving
you direction, purpose and then it goads you to do something, which changes your personality
and that is why love and personality and when it changes you, it’s evident in you and people are
able to see the time that you were loveless and alone and the time that love was felt by you and
then the way you expressed in your action so that nobody will miss it, having said this sometimes
like people using the name of love.
Or rather they abuse it, by misdirecting others, misguiding others are getting lost in this and let
us see in the next one, how you can manage this emotion when it goes out of control or how you
can use this effectively within control and how you can get benefits and how will people measure
you in terms of the way you are able to express this. Two interesting books if you are more
interested in collecting wise thoughts on love.
One is from Ruskin Bond, A Little Book of Love and Companionship. A Little Book of Love and
Companionship, so published recently in 2016 which contains lot of wise thoughts on love. The
other philosophical book on love and life in general is Khalil Gibran’s, The Prophet. There are
two links I have given you from the internet which actually takes some of the passages from
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Khalil Gibran, one on love, the other one on marriag,e and then they try to discuss what is real
love. So, if you are interested to get a quick idea of what is Gibran’s view on love and marriage
you can go to the internet link, but if you want to understand his full philosophy of life, apart
from just love and marriage you should read The Prophet.
So, it is one of the must-read books that I would like to suggest for you. So, with this thought full
of love, so I thank you for watching this video and I hope you will be able to assess the level and
intensity of love that you have for yourself, for the people around you and how positively you are
able to express it and use it to enhance your personality.
So, I hope these thoughts give you one clear-cut view about love. So today there are lot of things
which are coming from corporate houses, the multinational companies in the form of greeting
cards, so what ever written is in a greeting card is considered to be real love, but these are wise
thoughts that I have shared with you and then will continue with this in the next one, one more
session on love, and how to manage love. So, until then, I take leave from you. Thanks for
watching this video and have a nice day.
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Course Title
Lecture - 35
Managing Love
by…
Hello hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. We are on the
last unit of the 7th week: unit 5.
And this is lesson number 35. We just have five more lessons to go and one more week and the
course is completed. Now, while completing this week, let us again talk about a very interesting
discussion which I started in the last lecture, this is about Managing Love. So, before I go into
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today’s lecture, let us take a quick highlight of what I did it in the previous one, so in the last
lecture we identified most of the qualities/parameters for real love.
In fact, if you really want to check whether some love is real, you can use this as a kind of
checklist/parameters. So, the definition of love, of showing great affection or liking for someone
or something, applies not only to romantic love between a man and a woman but to all forms of
love such as motherly love, fatherly love, brotherly love, sisterly love, man’s love for animals,
particularly pet animals, man’s love for nature, etc.
In the last lesson, we understood that love is a combination of the following such as,
understanding, optimism, goodness, truth, faith, fairness, friendship, responsibility, caring,
compassion, respect and surrender. Through your reading of excerpts from literature and
philosophy, we identified the following traits as the hallmark of real love. So, we read some
Shakespeare, we read from D. H. Lawrence, we read from Khalil Gibran and then I am just
going to sum up the essence of what these poets and philosophers were trying to convey in the
name of love.
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So accordingly, love is doubtless. It is not fickle. It never alters or yields to temptations and
better options. It’s ever-fixed like the lighthouse and is not affected by any turbulence situations.
Love is timeless and withstands till the doom’s day. Love is implicit; so, you don’t have to
express through so many words and when someone is in love, their deeds speak more than their
words. It grows in a free environment. It cannot be suffocated by bonds of agreements, you
cannot enslave someone in the name of love, it will not remain pure love at least.
And it’s pure emotion: the moment we let our mind and ego interfere in love, we make a mess of
it. Love is freedom. Love is unconditional and all-encompassing. Love is patient and kind. It is
neither envious nor boastful and proud. And if you really love someone, you will never be rude
or angry and keep a record of mistakes. A person in love is truthful, hopeful, trustworthy, and
persevering. So, this is what we learnt overall from all the important excerpts from literature and
philosophy and this could offer you as a real checklist to identify whether you feel love that it is
real or whether someone is expressing which you can consider real. Now, having understood this
part, sometimes this emotion can go out of control especially, in professional environment.
Now let us see how we can try to channelize this in a positive manner and some more thoughts
on love and what is love and how do I look at love. To me, love is a great point of self-
realization. So, when somebody is in love, he or she realizes that he or she is capable of being
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selfless, so until that point the person will be very highly selfish, egoistic. But when love strikes,
suddenly the person realizes that she or he can be really selfless, egoless and is able to like
someone better than herself or himself. So, this is the point of realization where one understands
what is compassion, feelings for someone and gains empathy, understanding into the feelings of
others.
So that time of fixed mindset in which one was completely preoccupied with one’s ego and self
slowly gives into ones understanding of how one can accommodate somebody else equally by
relinquishing one’s ego and one’s selfish nature. At that point is a point of realization and it will
take the person from one level to another level whether the person who made this one to realize
that love stands with this person or disappears after some time. Sometimes the person disappears,
because the role of the person was to make this person realize, it was just to initiate and take this
person to the other level.
But unfortunately, love today has become a great source of misunderstanding. Many hate-crimes
are committed in the name of love. So, throwing acid on the face of the other, killing mercilessly
and lot of atrocities committed in the name of love and many at the other side end their lives in
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the name of love failure, so rejected love, as if there is nothing else to do in life so they just end
their life. The truth is, if you gain a correct perspective of love, love never fails, it’s the people
who fail love. It’s the people who do not let love develop in a mature manner, they fail. True
love makes a person succeed against all odds. It instils one the courage and indomitable will to
overcome any obstacles. True love changes a person with a fixed mind-set to growth mind-set.
How can you make the best of love? Life as I have been telling you is a long journey full of self-
realizations and various opportunities for growth. When you feel the love in whatever form it
comes to you, as a mother, as a wife, as a girl and contain it, and keep that within you, it can do
wonders for you. It can boost up your growth as an individual as well as a socially responsible
person. In fact, it is a real love that makes you understand that you are really responsible to the
society, the environment, the people around you.
This could be a good test for real love: Anything that is constructive and supports and or
facilitates your grow this real love. Anything that is destructive and obstructs your growth is not
real love. It could be a physical as well as an emotional blackmail covertly operated in the name
of love. Now, having understood that the function of love is to liberate, uplift, and elevate but
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never to pull you down or make you feel low or loathe yourself, let us learn how to manage this
emotion and not let it go out of control especially in a professional environment.
Now before we actually go there, let us ask this question since people are saying one suffered
love failure can there be failure in love? When people say “love failure,” they use it in a
mundane sense of a person saying “no” to somebody’s proposed to love or marry someone else.
Practically, once a person has realized the potentiality of love, she or he never fails herself or
himself. However, miscommunication is possible due to one’s poor communication and soft
skills. It has been explained before in the lectures on Communication Skills that for any
emotional transaction, one has to choose the best psychological moment. Despite a man’s good
looks, intelligence, wealth, and excellent character, a woman may not accept his proposal if it is
given when she is emotionally preoccupied. For instance, so the boy proposes to the girl but the
girl is not able to say yes or no and then keeps saying yes in abeyance much to the hot break of
the other person who misunderstands that maybe the girl is not really liking, but what was going
in the mind of the girl at that moment was a suicide that happened at home, a suicide committed
by her sister who got married to another person and who were not approved by her father.
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So, they just committed suicide together. So this affected her mind and then she was completely
preoccupied with this and that time the person went and proposed or look at another situation, so
the man is suffering from a terminal illness and he was just reported that yes only very few days
to spend and that is the time the woman is proposing or hinting that you would like to live with
him forever. Now the man, if is really in love with the other one, he will not be able to accept it
because he knows that his days are numbered. So, this could be some emotional situations where
actually the people involved were preoccupied, and they were not able to actually relate to the
proposal that was given in reality. So, one has to be very careful and then choose a psychological
moment, look at the body language to understand whether the person is free, comfortable or
whether the person is preoccupied.
And then work accordingly so communicating love effectively will amount to looking at the
body language and choosing this psychological moment. So it’s important that love should be
communicated clearly and effectively if one is all the way looking for just a “yes” or “no,” here
it is important to note the non-verbal communication of the person you are interested in before
you expect a confirmation. Again, if you go to the lectures on body language, you will
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understand what are the symptoms by which a person is trying to express to you that the person
is interested in you. Certain important factors such as direct eye- contact, especially open eye
contact, okay. And then, the eyes are completely open, relax to smile, indicating that okay, I feel
comfortable in your company, I feel secured in your company, otherwise the smile will be
controlled, open palm gesture, so indicating I am frank and open, leaning towards the front, and
even mirroring the gestures keeping the feet in front are all indicative of genuine interest. So now
when these symptoms are promising and if you are able to gauge the mindset whether the person
is preoccupied or open to receive what you are telling and then if you are able to put it in a
proper manner it will be very difficult for someone to reject it.
Besides, many relationships take time to grow, often people make very premature attempts in
giving a proposal when the relationship has not undergone certain phases. Let us look at the
normal phases in any relationship growth, so there are phases involved such as meeting as
strangers, the first time when you meet you meet as strangers, and then you familiarize yourself
and then there is liking, ok so we meet so many people each day and some people you don’t even
want to talk, you don’t want to register and then after saying hello, you withdraw your hand and
you stop the relationship there. But then, in some case, there is a liking and then interacting
because you like you interact with the person and then there is a likeness to interact more, this
eventually develops into friendship and then slowly there is this sharing of common interests.
Now, friendship sharing of common interest and then it slightly goes to the next level of
exclusivity where sharing of secrets happens, so things which are known only to the individuals
are shared. So this is the level where slightly it is moving from friendship and then gaining trust,
but at the same time conflicts and misunderstandings start creeping in, in between, but slowly
they also develop maturity in terms of resolving conflicts and misunderstandings. So that is how
it moves from one phase to another phase and resolving these conflicts and clearing the
misunderstandings help in building a high level of trust beyond any temporary conflicts, people
in fact go through these conflicts and misunderstandings and they build up a very high level
where the minor conflicts do nothing after that. So this eventually makes them develop deep
friendship and giving breathing space to each other, remember the quote from Khalil Gibran,
like the pillars of a temple and then let seas pass through and then do not lean on each other and
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that is the phase they reach and at this phase they facilitate individual growth, they support each
other and then they cherish in the success of others, there is no ego, there is no professional
rivalry even if you are in the same one.
So, they identify one’s success and failure in other and then they enjoy or suffer accordingly and
then together they also realize that they are able to work better as a team, so they help each other
as individual and they learn that they can work better as a team. Now, this is the stage where it
reaches a kind of matured relationship. So, the moment two people realize that they can be fully
independent and at the same time they can work as a team for the betterment, there is no need to
declare love through those three words which have already become a cliché. I know of a couple
who met in a hiking club and they have hiked to so many places together and in one of the hikes,
the man asked the woman whether she would like to hike with him forever, and obviously, the
woman said “yes,” with a knowing smile. That was a wonderful way of proposing and knowing
for sure that it is just only verbally reinforcing what has been implicit for quite some time and
even that was not necessary they are going to do the same thing.
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Otherwise there was no chance of getting rejected because the couple underwent all the phases of
growth in a relationship. However, today where people get confirmations to stay together for a
life-time just by sending an SMS message from their mobile phones, many relationships do not
go beyond the first conflict misunderstanding and many so called “lovers” meet and part as
strangers and usually just by the pressing of a button, tolerance level has gone down, no patience
impatience, irritability, mood swings.
Now, these are all cannot be qualified under what we are trying to understand as a very pure
emotional form love and in such cases people do not let relationships grow naturally, going to
impatience abortive attempts are made and love is blamed as the culprit. Now, how in case there
is the so-called love failure, how can you deal with that in a graceful manner. So although I said
there is no failure in real love, in case of rejections, one should learn how to deal with them in a
graceful, dignified, and magnanimous manner. When somebody feels rejected, the immediate
tendency is to badmouth the person who rejected so saying all bad things abusing the person who
rejected or blame someone saying that oh, that person actually poisoned her mind, that person
spoiled her or the circumstance for being influential in the rejection or blaming things happened
and that changed their mind or his mind. By blaming others one refuses to take responsibility one
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side so one is always in a denial mode, one keeps denying that there are some limitations in
oneself also. However, rejections are times for rejoicing if a person takes full responsibility.
Then, she or he will introspect and internalize the limitations in that relationship. By letting
oneself overcome those limitations, one prepares oneself for a better relationship in future. So,
rejection should not be rejected, it should be rather embraced and accepted and again. Remember
the dictum: “The best is yet to be.”
If one faces rejection, it implies that the choice may not be the best one. And one has to prepare
oneself for the best to come. Also, as the Dalai Lama says: “Remember that sometimes not
getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” Although, you will not realize this wisdom
at the point of rejection, but in the long run, when you connect the dots, Steve Job says, you will
understand that you are really lucky not to get the one that you most wanted at one point in your
life. So immediately it will look like you are the unluckiest, but you will realize that you are
really lucky not to get that person. Bouncing back with renewed energy, laughing more, loving
better and living a wonderful life is the best way to deal with rejection. And once you are
overcoming this there may be occasions again you will come across this one, but I should tell
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you that as a matter of fact many who have rejected others have actually been living a regretful
life for two reasons. So it looks like to you maybe at that moment that someone who rejected
your proposal may be living happily ever after, but many studies conducted indicate that as a
matter of fact, most of the people who rejected others have actually been living in a regretful life
for two reasons; one, sooner or later they realized their judgmental errors, they realize that they
rejected the right person and they decided to live with the wrong person and two, the meteoric
rise of the people they rejected.
So, they sometimes, people make mistake in underestimating the capability of the person who
gave this proposal but after rejecting, they realized that the rejected people have risen in their life
and career so high that if they had known this before they would have said yes. So many
examples, but I know a girl was rejected for being fat but see slim down and became a model and
became the envy of so many of the people and then the boy who rejected regretted because she
got much better offers than the boy who rejected initially.
And then, I also came to know of the story of a girl who rejected, this is long before going to US
was very difficult who rejected a boy because the man that she was about to marry was going to
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US, and he could also take her along with him. Now eventually it happened that she didn’t get
the visa or something at the last moment and she could not accompany her husband and he went
alone and came back, but she came to know later through the friends that the man whom she
rejected grew up in his life and career and then got opportunity to go to the US, settle, establish
himself and became a US citizen and then he married and lived happily ever after there. So this
lady who rejected him never went to US also, but then regretted throughout her life for having
rejected this person, if only she had this hindsight, knowledge before, she could have married
and perhaps she could have lived with him in the US forever also, but, on the other hand, these
are like ifs and buts, these are just probabilities maybe this person also needed this experience to
reach the other stage of growth in himself and then to reach another level.
So we can never say or presume as how things could have happened, but these are just examples
to indicate that even the people who rejected others, unlike what the ones who got rejected thing
were also not living a very happy life they were also living a life of regret and then as John
Steinbeck, famous American novelist mentions in his Steinbeck: A Life in Letters; he
interestingly categorizes these two aspects of love, as expressed by two kinds of people, so let’s
look at what he says. He says, “There are several kinds of love, one is selfish, mean, grasping,
egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. So, this
is the kind that will not let you grow the destructive mind. The other is an outpouring of
everything good in you, so the other brings out the best in you which even you have not realized
before— of kindness and consideration and respect— not only the social respect of manners but
the great respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind
can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release, can release in you strength,
and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.”
So, when one fails in love, one need not take it so seriously, rather one should fully use that as an
opportunity for developing oneself to succeed in getting the best. Now, the most important part
of handling love, managing love, especially in professional environment because we are talking
about soft skills and I am running I am not running a course on love or romance, but we need to
know how it is related to your personality and in terms of soft skills how you should express this
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appropriately and how you should know to use it according to the decorum, especially in a
professional environment.
So, love can come to anyone, anytime, anywhere. One cannot really prevent it from happening in
a professional environment. However, certain professional expectations are there from a student/
an employee who should never let love distract one’s focus from work or studies and fail to live
up to the expectations of the organization. While some companies employ married couple to
work in the office together, so they believe that if they get both people who got married already.
So, it is easy to get more work from them because they will be focused in their work and they
don’t get distracted in the name of love. But there are others who dissuade any love relationships
within work environment, and they don’t believe in keeping a couple in the same office because
they think that there will be vested interest and they will be spending so much time with each
other and they will forget to do the work. So that kind of thinking is also there. In inevitable case,
when love occurs in school or college office or any other professional environment, one should
always function in a dignified manner, and strictly follow the in-house norms and decorum.
Misuse of any facility, violation of any norm in the name of love is unbecoming of a
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professional. Misuse in the name of love can only lead to humiliation and even loss of job or in
case of students, eviction from school or college.
Examples: A male teacher sent a love letter to a female teacher through a student, so this is in a
school. So, the nervous student was intercepted by the Director, who fired off the male teacher
immediately, the teacher lost the job. An employee sent in another organization and e-mail
proposal to his colleague. The Manager displayed the e-mail in the notice-board (hiding the
name of the woman to whom it was addressed). Facing humiliation, because everybody looked at
the e-mail, they just laughed at the way it was address, some even laughed at the spelling
mistakes and silly grammatical errors, so the man faced humiliation and he resigned from the
job. So even nobody forced him but because he faced humiliation, he had to leave that. So,
therefore, wise professionals keep their love-interests out of work-environment and focus on
work at hand first, and then, give full time for love outside the business area. Now, if you ask the
question like, How can true love can be kept in abeyance? And then, love should be given
topmost priority and then you have to prove that you are in really love with a person by calling
the person 20 times or attending to the phone call all the time the person calls. You should go
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back to previous lesson and then identify what is real love, because true love is patient. It
understands work as the means of self-growth.
So, it will not dissuade you or it will not distract you from your focus to your work. Hence, it
waits, and it will wait; and supports instead of frequently disturbing and indulging in cheap tests.
If were there is no trust, so then there is a phone call made to check whether the person is there in
the office or not and when there is lack of patience, every 10 minutes a call is made or all the
time messages are sent through WhatsApp or Facebook and then checking all the time whether
the person is online but what happens is not letting the person focus completely on work and
gain recognition for doing good work and use that for promoting and developing oneself but all
the time it’s trying to make the person mediocre. So, this is the first kind of love, that John
Steinbeck was talking about.
But the second kind will let the person work in the office peacefully, calmly and it stands by the
person when the person is working there and then it supports where necessary and it never
distracts. So, this is the kind that you need to develop whether even if you are still in the process
of developing, you need to develop this kind of trust, you need to develop this kind of
understanding. If you develop, then it becomes so strong and then no storm or no turbulent
weather can disturb it and that will stay with you as a motivation to do anything whether it is
work or enjoying life in any form, anywhere and all the time. Let us conclude with a very
wonderful quote from Bruce Lee, and you will never expect this from the martial arts champion,
Bruce Lee. Here is an interesting quote where he talks about love, he says, “Love is like a
friendship caught on fire.”
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“In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.”
So, beginning the growth phase, so, I was saying that this is the time they try to understand each
other so that time it is friendship and light and flickering. “As love grows older,” in my opinion
when it reaches that matured, final stage, where you realize that teamwork is strengthening you
for better, “our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep burning and unquenchable.”
So, I wish you that, you should reach this level of love and keep in your heart like this fire
burning as coals, deep burning, and unquenchable. Unquenchable is nothing can stop it, nothing
can destroy it, you cannot throw any water on it or put any sand on it to stop the fire, it is
unquenchable. So, the same books which I mentioned last time, so you can just go through the
books to gain more understanding and perspective about love.
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So, with this happy note of love, using that to grow and develop yourself, we are concluding this
7th week, and almost like we are completing the course but for one week and five more lectures.
So, thank you so much for being with me for this wonderful journey and I have been enjoying
this sharing my thoughts and feelings with you and I hope you are also enjoying this and taking
great benefit out of this. Thank you for watching this video, we will meet in the next lecture for
the next week, thanks again!
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Course Title
Lecture - 36
Ethics and Etiquette
by…
Hello! Hai, Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
This is the eighth and the last week of the course, is the first unit of the eighth week and totally
this is lesson number 36. We just have four more lessons to go to complete this course. Now, this
is the concluding week, so and I thought it is appropriate to introduce Ethics and Etiquette, which
are quite relevant to you in terms of your social role as a responsible human being in this society.
So, so far when we talked about soft skills and enhancing your personality, I generally talked in
terms of your individual self. So, now let us look at the collective responsibility, how people
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assess you in terms of your role in this society, in this universe, okay. So, this the general thing I
have in mind. But I want to start with giving you something in terms of values. So that is why I
started with this Ethics and Etiquette. Now we understood in the last lesson, just to take a quick
highlights.
We understood that, love is a kind of point of self-realization, where an individual realizes one’s
capacity to be selfless, egoless and love someone more than oneself. Love as a positive force can
change a person with fixed mindset to growth mindset, it is constructive in facilitating individual
growth. So, and then in the last lesson, we just went to analyze the essential characteristics of
love, so we identified that love never fails people, it’s the people who rather fail love owing to
miscommunication or poor communication or soft skills.
So, for any emotional transaction, one has to choose the best psychological moment. This has
been discussed in detail in the lessons on communication. However, it is just to recall to you that
you have to choose the best psychological moment and despite many positive qualities in a
person, one can face rejection due to wrong timing. So, it is important to take note of open body
gestures such as, like, very open eye contact, direct eye contact, open forum gestures, a very
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genuine warm smile and then mirroring gestures, putting the feet in front, slightly leaned posture.
So, these are all indicating that the operant the person who is sitting in front of you is actually
sort of interested in you, so taking cues from body language and then making use of the right
time so will help one to even make any emotional negotiation successfully. Now, besides
allowing a relationship to grow and mature on its own makes any overt confirmations of love
redundant.
So, what do I mean by this? Like, if you are able to let a relationship grow on its own and then
there is no need to make proclamations of love or declare love and all that. Mature relationships
undergo various phases from the first stage of meeting a stranger than developing friendship to
reaching conflicts, misunderstandings, resolving conflicts misunderstandings and then building a
high level of trust beyond any temporary conflict, developing deep friendship, giving breathing
space to each other, facilitating individual growth working better as a team and once you reach
this level where you start working better as a team and then once you feel that you can be
independent as well as interdependent and certain normal ways of expressing love in those words
so they become redundant and it becomes more in terms of deed and not in terms of words.
However, I also gave some suggestions, tips for overcoming rejection if any. So, during any
rejection, instead of blaming others, by introspecting and identifying one’s own limitations and
by letting oneself overcome those limitations, one prepares oneself for a better relationship in
future. So, I quoted a lot of interesting proverbs and dictums. One is, the best is yet to be, so you
are deprived of something because, you are supposed to wait for the best by better preparing
yourself and then the famous quote from the Dalai Lama that, not getting what you want
sometimes happens to be a wonderful stroke of luck although at that point you think that it is
something that you really missed. And then you regret over it but in the long run you realize that
was for the better and then you got something much better than you would so much you wanted
to have it at that point of time okay.
So, bouncing back with renewed energy, even if you are rejected, laughing more, loving better
and leaving a wonderful life is the best way to deal with rejection. And then I concluded by
talking about how you should separate any kind of emotional entanglements in business area,
that is, when you are a professional you have to be professional, so that is what is expected in
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terms of your soft skills and personality. So, there you cannot do something out of vested interest
because your love interest is sitting there, or your wife is sitting there or somebody whom you
are interested is sitting there so you want to manipulate things so these are unbecoming of you in
terms of your highly integrated personality.
So why professionals keep their love-interests out of work-environment and focus on work at
hand first, and then, give full time for love outside the business area. So they never mix business
with love, they learn how to separate that and then to the doubt that okay, love never waits and
then love keeps checking, the girl keeps checking whether I am in the office and all that so that
based on the definitions that we have been discussing about love would not be considered real
love. Real love is patient, it will wait, it will understand, it will know that you are using your
work to progress and grow in your life and which will help both of you as a team and then the
basic definition that I said that anything that tries to destroy you cannot be considered genuine
love, anything that is constructing you, creating you, making a better you is the best way of
understanding real love. So with that, we ended up our discussion on love and managing love.
Now, in this unit so let us look at ethics and etiquette and we start with why it is important if you
remember your childhood days.
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You must have heard of this old proverb that goes like this: “When wealth is lost, nothing is lost;
when health is lost, something is lost; When character is lost, everything is lost!” So we read
about money, the importance of money but we also understood that money is not everything and
we also understood at the end of it that there are so many things in life which you cannot buy just
by giving money and sometimes even the wealthiest people die of profound grief because they
didn’t accumulate things beyond money, okay. So, when wealth is lost, nothing is lost, because
you can always rebuild, you can always get back the wealth that is lost, provided you have that
determination and will, but when health is lost, something is lost because you cannot recover. So,
in real sense, we actually grow and then decline, so if you use some of your vital energy, okay,
exhaust it and then you become ill, so sometimes it is very difficult to go back to the healthy
state. So, you lose something, something is lost. But, when character is lost, everything is lost.
So, character speaks for your personality, whatever soft skills that you might have developed and
if you lose your character then whatever you might have built interms of your empire, built in
wealth, okay so everything will be lost. Character is something that gives one the real
personality, and which is a combination of values, ethics, and etiquette. Now, values are
principles or standards of behaviour, so these are the guiding principles, values are setting the
standard and how do you know they are often manifested in one’s judgment of what is important
in life and the way one deals with people and how one prioritises commitments and
responsibilities so for example somebody who values family so much, may slightly become
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negligent about work, okay. So, what is somebody valuing so much is often shown in the way
when it is trying to prioritise and the judgment one is making as what is important in one’s life.
There is another interesting definition from business dictionary.com so it goes like this:
Important and lasting beliefs, so important and lasting beliefs or ideals shared by the members of
a culture about what is good or bad undesirable or undesirable.
Values have major influence on a person’s behavior and attitude and service as broad guidelines
in all situations.” So, the way one actually behaves, the way one actually performs oneself in
public places so one’s basic ethics and etiquette, mannerisms, personality so they are all
depending on the values the person has imbibed, nurtured, developed from childhood itself.
Let us look at more definitions. For instance, people with good business values uphold fairness
and they respect customers, they will never cheat customers because they will uphold fairness, as
a very principle virtue. So, even if a customer gives more money, they will return the money.
Even if a customer loses something or customer is at a disadvantage they will compensate, they
will respect the customers, they will value the customers. But those who do not have good
business values so they will indulge in lot of hook and crook methods to cheat the customers,
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manipulate the customers and their only aim is to make money. It is not to maintain the
customers.
So, as I said, a person who values family may sometimes become negligent of duty, so he spends
more time at home more time for children and then he doesn’t care about his boss even if he
shouts at him, okay and he it doesn’t affect him at all because he feels I play with my children
and that is more important. So, here you may ask is it not right to do that? so this is where you
need to know more about the moral values or ethics. It is nice that you value something more
than something else.
But it is your ethics that will tell you at what level, how you should manage and then you should
know whether giving excessive value to something is right or wrong. So that is why you need to
know the moral values or ethics and understand the manner that is etiquette in which one should
conduct oneself at individual and social levels. So, etiquette or norms or rules governing socially
acceptable behavior.
So, if a boy is staring at a girl in a public place, so immediately somebody even next to the girl
may go and shout at the boy and say that why are you staring at her? So, this is like public norm,
okay, it’s a governing social norm, it says that you cannot, you have no right to stare at her like
that. This is a simple one I am giving, we look at more examples later. And similarly, ethics or
moral principles that govern a person’s behaviour or the conducting of an activity: Why you are
behaving, why you are deciding, why you are judging on something than something else. And
why this appears to be good and that is bad so that will indicate your moral principles or ethics.
Ethics indicates one’s beliefs and ideas of what is right and wrong. So, a person who is highly
ethical you can never expect to go wrong or make wrong decisions.
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Business Dictionary offers a comprehensive definition of ethics, let us look at that: It says: “The
basic concepts and fundamental principles of decent human conduct. So, ethics is nothing but
decent human conduct, it includes steady of universal values, okay. What is applicable, not only
to one part of the country, one place, but universal values such as the essential quality of all men
and women human or natural rights such as human rights, okay, natural rights obedience to the
law of land, concern for health and safety and, increasingly, also for the natural environment.”
So, it is not only for you, but also for the people around you, not only for the people around you
but also for their health and safety and also for the environment that you are living in. So, this
gives a very comprehensive definition of ethics. So, I’ll come to your role in terms of protecting
the natural environment in one of the later lessons but at this moment it is important to know that
okay ethics does not mean only something related to man and another man between human
beings but is also related to the environment that is surrounding us.
You should also be familiar with the term ‘Professional ethics”. So, one is expected to act,
behave, judge, function according to the professional ethics that is demanded from the person.
So, in reference.com there is an interesting definition of professional ethics, it says that: The term
that encompasses the organizational and personal standards of behavior a professional individual
is expected to possess. So, what does it mean? It encompasses, it covers the organizational and
personal standards what the corporate, the company, the organization is giving you as well as
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your personal standards of behavior with regard to a professional individual. So, at home, you
can be somebody but when you are in office, how are you supposed to behave, when you are a
doctor, when you are a lawyer, when you are a teacher, when you are a banker so how are you
supposed to behave?
So, we heard of cases like doctors not behaving properly, bank managers not behaving properly.
If you look at all these things like what people say that they are not behaving properly is actually
amounting to their violating some of the norms of the professional ethics. So, most organizations
have their own internal code of practice that defines the professional ethics of a certain
profession. For example, if you are related to anything to do with medical or law, so there are set
codes, there are internal codes, which clearly says you have to do this, you cannot do certain
things, okay and then they are supposed to follow this. But having said this, I should also say that
in terms of professional ethics.
Although there are clear-cut operative norms of professional ethic associated with various
occupations, it is difficult to do away with the moral responsibilities which arise out of individual
values and social expectations that is, there are clear-cut norms written. A doctor is supposed to
do this, a lawyer is supposed to do this, a teacher is supposed to do this and it is the way they
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have joined duty there are manuals, books which tell them how they should operate, but it’s very
difficult to separate the social expectations and the moral responsibilities which arise out of
individual values. So, for example, let us imagine situation, a person goes to a grocery shop and
then ask for some loan for buying the products, okay. He says that money is not there in the bank
and he has to wait till the salary comes and the grocery shop owner says no, my policy is not to
give loan, I cannot give you loan. So, people around there so they don’t say anything, so they
know that okay if he has this policy of not lending so that is fine. And then this person goes to
somebody else who may give it or not give it, but overall when this grocery shop fellow is not
giving, people do not mind it that much.
But, imagine another situation. This one small boy, you must have seen in many movies coming
and then doctor is standing in the balcony and he is saying that mother is dying and doctor
should come home and see her and then the doctor says that no, you have to give me money,
you will not be able to give me this fees and all that. Now, if the public sees this, the public gets
enraged, the public is sometimes even infuriated, although the doctor is rightful in demanding his
fees, but the public expects some kind of moral responsibility in this case and thinks that no, the
doctor cannot say no, because it is more to do with human values and it is at the time of saving a
life he cannot negotiate with this. People will not think so the doctor has spent so much money in
reaching this level and then he has to do his business and then get something. But they will
expect no, even if you don’t get money you have to treat a case especially in emergency and if it
is a life or death situation. So, people will be willing to give contingency to a business person,
who is not giving money, but for a doctor who expects money especially at the time of life or
death situation people will be unmerciful.
So that situation you can see and same thing with in terms of teaching profession. So, suppose
you say that in the school hours, you have to ask doubts. Now, suppose the student meets the
teacher outside the school hours, outside the school premises and just sees the teacher on the
road and a doubt has been there in the mind and tomorrow there is this exam, there is no way to
meet the teacher in the class tomorrow. The student immediately asked the doubt. And if the
teacher snubs the student, says that, who asked you to ask this doubt here? So, you should have
cleared it in the class itself or go back to your book, read again you will understand. Now, these
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things again the public will not tolerate. So, there is a moral responsibility associated with these
jobs and whatever job that you are there, there is this in-house norm which you are supposed to
follow, which tells you what is professional ethics.
But at the same time, the society is expecting that you should yield to the moral responsibilities
which are expected from you. So together they make you a really integrated person in terms of
professional ethics. Now, to continue with this thought on ethics, etiquette and personality.
A person with high ethical values and good etiquette will be able to create an everlasting
impression on the people he or she comes across. The moment they see, they discuss, the
interact, they will know that oh! this person has very high ethical values and they will have
respect for the person automatically. Certain things like that are associated with these people
such as being friendly, helpful, charming, dignified, decent, affectionate and lovable are qualities
one should possess to build one’s personality.
Although some children develop these traits from school itself, there is no age bar to developing
them. So if you are at the age of 50, 60, watching this video and you want to make a change there
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is nothing that is preventing you to change it and even if you are let us say 18, 20 who is
watching it, it is high time that you can easily change and then you can behave in a very highly
ethical manner. People often say that they behave in an unethical manner because of the
surroundings.
So, they will say that everybody around me is corrupt, so why should I be honest? So, all are
unethical, so I will also be unethical. See for a person with high ethical values, this has no
excuse, this cannot be used as an excuse, so people will say when they will go to Singapore they
will say the country is very neat and clean so they will not spit on the road and they will say that
spitting will actually make them give huge amount of fine so they will not do that but they will
not hesitate to do so in India.
Because in many places still fine is not strictly imposed, okay. So, they will say that they are
taking it seriously here they don’t take it seriously, but we need to look at the fact that society is
actually made of individuals and the change has to emanate from the individuals. So, if
individuals change, automatically society will change and then normally people think that oh!
circumstance is making somebody behave like that, surroundings are responsible for the person
to behave like that. It is a wrong way of thinking.
Circumstance never makes a man, it reveals a man. So if you are in a garbage area and behaving
like garbage, it is showing what is inside you and then even in that surroundings that is full of
garbage if you behave in a very neat and tidy manner, it is not reflecting the surrounding it is
showing what is in you, what is inside you and that is coming out. So, if you have your thoughts
pure, if you have high ethics, if your etiquette and personal behavior are really good, then
nothing in the surrounding will affect you. Let us take some examples of poor etiquette.
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And people who have low sense of ethics and how do they behave. Things like spitting on
public wall, okay they won’t do that at their own wall in their houses, but they won’t mind doing
it on public walls, public places, near stare case and then even there are designated spaces, places
for spitting they don’t do that. Smoking in public places, so especially in a country like India, it
is said that the passive smokers they get cancer as much as the active smokers. The passive
smokers are the ones who just stand, often the spouses of husbands, okay. Friends of some
smokers, and then workers who are with boss, boss keeps smoking and then sending the smoke
before the people. Now that actually affects and then smoking in public places, one has no right
to just make everybody a passive smokers and give them ill health just because of one’s bad
habit.
Causing disturbance when one is expected to be silent, especially in theaters, so whether

especially in plays, dramas or some dance performance. One is expected to keep pin-drop
silence, suddenly mobile is not kept in silent mode it rings or suddenly somebody talks to
someone and then biting nails before others, picking nose or teeth in public, making noise while
eating or drinking especially before others, especially while eating in group, talking aloud on
mobile phones in public places, okay, in buses, in transport areas and then everybody hears what
you are talking and then you have no right to disturb others.
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Violating traffic norms, often overtaking from left when you are supposed to overtake from right.
Crossing without using the zebra-crossing, just dotting across the road without even using this
zebra-crossing. These are very bad habits, poor etiquette. Occupying seats meant for women,
ladies, elderly people or other-abled people on public places or transports and ironically not
getting up when these people come and sometimes even refusing to get up or quarrelling with
them, saying that the person occupied the seat first and won’t get up.
Speaking in regional language or languages known only to 2, 3 people, when you are in a big
group, okay. Let us say 10 people are there and then suddenly you speak in a language which
eight people don’t understand. So, that again indicates very poor etiquette. Gossiping and
spreading rumors, so it is poor mannerism. Making fun of others, disturbing someone who is
busy, so you have no right to disturb somebody who is really busy or meeting someone without
seeking an appointment, just barging into somebody’s room and then disturbing the person and
then just pouring out your problems and then making the person just focus on your work and
then completely distracting the person from his or her work.
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Asking rude and probing question to known people even to strangers while sitting next to
somebody, you keep asking where did you buy this? What is the price of this jacket? Where did
you buy that one? Why are you eating this? Why are you carrying this? So these are all like very
impolite and poor behavior commenting/ criticizing without being asked for. So you can see
good things about somebody but then openly criticizing somebody’s behavior, even when the
person has not asked you to criticize saying that or that bag looks awful I will never carry that
kind of bag, no obviously you are not carrying it and the person who is carrying is thinking that it
is actually good now why are you criticizing the other person and what right you have to criticize
so. You have no right.
And then in terms of parents, feeling proud of misbehaving children in public. Children are
behaving like monkeys in hotels, monkeys in public places and then the parents feel so proud,
okay sometimes very important VIPs sitting in the front rows, so these kids just go and then sit
on their lap and then and these people give very suppressed, repressed smile because they feel
very embarrassed and the parents feeling proud, oh! my children have no fear talking to these
people and all that. So not controlling unruly children in public and letting them disturb is also
coming under poor mannerism.
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Using foul language in public. So, using four lettered word, abusing people and then in terms of
telephone, we already discussed about telephone, e-mail, okay and we talked about netiquette
and all that. You should go back to those lessons but generally there are lot of things you need to
improve in terms of using phone. The simple thing like calling first and asking somebody who is
speaking? Okay, so you called so you should tell first, I am so and so. I want to talk to so and so
or am I talking to this person instead of you asking: tell me who you are, so very rude and
impolite.
Similarly, it is rude to be immersed in social media WhatsApp, Facebook and completely your
face is buried in that social media on mobile. While in party or sitting before others. So, six
people are sitting before you and then expecting you to says something, but your face is
completely buried on the mobile, you never look up to anyone and talk to them and all the time
you are busy with this one, so that is really rude. When you go for a party, when you have to talk
to people you have to talk, you have to even switch off your mobile and keep it in your pocket
and taking pictures without the knowledge using camera separate camera or mobile or even
without the permission of others and posting those pictures without others permission and in case
of like Facebook and other media tagging them without their permission so that is also not good
behavior. Going late to meeting, to office, to school and not feeling sorry or never apologizing
thinking that it is your right to go late. So, these are again coming under poor etiquette and last
but not the least not saying thanks. So even any small thing if somebody is doing it to you, you
should be able to show your gratitude.
In terms of saying thanks, in terms of expressing your appreciation if you don’t do that it is also
part of poor etiquette. So keep these things in mind and try to improve your etiquette, understand
the professional ethics that depending on your business you try to emulate and then always have
your moral responsibility, realized and then perform, conduct yourself in a very dignified and
decent manner that you are likeable, you are lovable and everybody feels that you are the person
that they feel like having you either in a personal or in a professional environment.
Let us take a quick look at an interesting quote on true values.

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From Ellen DeGeneres, he says: “Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality,
kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need.
To me, those are traditional values.” And mind you, usually what we call as traditional values are
old values or the ones today, we revived in terms of professional ethics and then we expect that
people have these values even when they are working in highly ultra modern society and
societies change, technologists change people.
But then, still people with these kinds of traditional values are highly respected and they always
are admired by people around. So, with this lesson, I also want you to become such people,
whom everybody looks up to interms of values, ethics, professional ethics and good etiquette.
So, wish you all the best to become such a personality and thank you so much for watching this
video.
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Course Title
Lecture - 37
Business Ethiquette
by…
Hello, hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality. This is week
eight, the last week second unit lesson number 37. In this unit and in this lesson, let us focus on
Business Etiquette.
And before I start as usual, let us take a quick look at what I did in the last lesson, highlights of
the last lesson we learnt and understood the meanings of values, ethics, etiquette and the relation
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to personality. What are values? Values are principles or standards of behavior, often manifested
in one’s judgment of what is important in life.
It is indicated by the way one deals with people and how one prioritizes commitments and
responsibilities. The way one takes care of his or her commitments will reveal the person’s
innermost values. Etiquette are norms or rules or governing principles which are socially
acceptable behavior. Ethics are moral principles that govern a person’s behaviour and the way he
or she treats human rights how the person respects the rights of the other one, not only with
regard to human rights not only with regard to individual relationships but also how the person
respects the natural environment. Professional ethics encompasses the organizational and
personal standards of behaviour a professional individual is expected to possess. Here I
cautioned you by saying that it is rather tricky because there are in-house norms, so when you go
for something like medical profession, there are written rules, guided norms.
When you become a lawyer there are written rules, but then, the society has some expectations
which are endured on the individual as a kind of moral responsibility and you are expected to
adhere to those moral responsibilities. So, in that context I said, a teacher cannot escape clearing
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doubt anytime when the student is asking the teacher, not saying that it is beyond classroom
hours so I will not be able to answer your doubt and same thing goes with the doctor.
If the doctor refuses to take care of the patient, especially without asking for payment in advance
so then, the society rather feels very unhappy with the doctor. They feel that it is the
responsibility of the doctor to treat the patient first and think about money or anything later, so
that is professional ethics. Whereas, if a business person refuses to give loan, so people will not
feel that bad and thinking that Oh! That’s part of his profession!
So professional ethics, although one learns the in-house norms it is also important to know what
are the moral responsibilities which are associated with that, that if you are able to follow will
make you a real professional. And a person with high ethical values and good etiquette will be
able to create an everlasting impression on the people he or she comes across such qualities like
being friendly, helpful, charming, dignified, decent, affectionate and lovable are the ones one
should build develop in order to have a very good personality and then the question like why
should I change? The society is so bad and the people around me are so corrupt, to that, I said
that, individuals are the ones who are making the society and if an individual can change you
will be able to make great change in society and I ended the lesson by listing some of the
examples of poor etiquette such as spitting in the public, smoking in the public, not giving seeds
to those which are designated actually for ladies or disabled people or elderly people so that also
amounts to Civic sense one needs to develop.

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In this lesson, as I said, we will focus particularly on business etiquette because today these are
the norms which will govern and control the way you are performing your duties in any area of
profession that you choose to be. So, Business Etiquette refer to those mannerisms a professional
is expected to follow in business as well as social situations. This means you expect for example
a lawyer or a teacher or a doctor or an engineer to behave in a certain manner in the business area
as well as even outside the social groups so you cannot expect that a teacher will behave in a
different manner in a social function. So, one expects a level of decorum, dignity which are
associated with this professions business. Now adhering to some of the norms that I am going to
discuss with you will help you to develop a professional image in business and social circles.
First either in a business group or in a social circle, When you are going there with a partner a
friend or your wife or a husband you need to introduce the person who is accompanying you first
to the one whom you know already but the person who is with you doesn’t know. So, it’s rude
and uncouth. Uncouth is totally uncivilized to keep your partner un introduced while you indulge
in deep conversation you are enjoying good laughter with the other person but the person who
accompanied you is not being introduced so it is also unfair to your partner who will feel left out
and they will not be able to participate in the discussion wholeheartedly. So, it is important you
should introduce first and in case you are introducing somebody of the opposite sex then, you
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have to introduce the lady first, okay. So, if there are two men and you are with one woman and
it is important that you introduce the woman first to the men and then the one of the other pair,
the two men will be introduced to the lady either by you or by the other person accompanying
this group of men.
Then the next important thing which I hinted in the previous lecture about the language that you
used. You should use the lingua franca, that is the common language, that is used whether it is
official or commonly accepted so in most cases it is English or in most of the other cases it is
Hindi. And depending on the area, the region sometimes for local languages are accepted, but
speak in a language that is known to all the people who are in the group you cannot choose to
speak in a language that is known only to two people or three people. That is again impolite, that
is not part of good mannerism. In large groups, when you are sitting or when you are talking
address all in the sense that when you say something so share it with the entire group, do not
indulge in small chat with the person sitting next to you. This happens often because of
introverted tendencies, often because of your own unfamiliarity with other people but these
occasions when you are in social group or the ones in which you need to become familiar with
other people. So instead of again and again catering to your introverted tendencies it is important
you come out of your shell, mingle with the people in the group not focusing on one or two
individuals who are sitting next to you or identifying somebody who as introverted as you and
then focusing only on with this person. The other thing is with regard to your facial expression,
particularly, I have been telling you that eye contact is important you need to maintain that.
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But apart from that, you should not chew gum or eat something while everybody is involved in
some serious discussion. So again it is very rude and it is not part of the etiquette and when
somebody is giving a talk when the speaker is just in a flow do not interrupt the speaker and if
you need to interrupt, maybe you really need to understand what the person is saying, so then
you seek permission, you take permission before interrupting you can say; may I interrupt you
for a minute. So can I seek this clarification at this stage, if the person says no, I will come back
to this, then allow the person to continue, you have no right to interrupt even if you are the boss
or even if you are at a dominating position you should not do it.
And in discussion, suppose it is a group discussion or a brain storming session do not

monopolize the discussion do not try to seek the center stage that everybody should listen to you
do not become egoistic and egotistical. If you are a good leader, you should be a facilitator, so
you should give chance to all especially you should motivate those silent people who are rather
shy and introverted and then you should make them come out of their shell and make them say
something so if you can say something like let’s listen to our friend who is keeping quiet
throughout this discussion and maybe he or she has a wonderful idea why not we hear from her?
So that will actually make the person smile or feel motivated to share something and most of
these times these silent people, quite observers are the ones who have very interesting ideas.
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If invited for a business meeting, if an invitation is sent and you choose not to attend it, you need
to inform in advance so you have to thank them that you are attending it, you should also say
thank you for the invitation and say sorry that you could not attend it. So, ignoring it and not
saying anything is unbecoming of a professional and in case in these discussions there are
discussions on politics or religion, or things related to gender or any sensitive issues avoid taking
sides. So do not try to take sides. So, this is becoming unprofessional and then you will
immediately be grouped with some people with vested interest or bias, so which is not required
in a business environment. The most important thing: Refuse to do anything unethical even if
your higher authorities persuade you to do so. Example: If you are the teacher and the principal
is telling you to give more marks and pass a candidate, now you have every right to protect your
integrity. And say no. It is difficult to refuse initially, but once you do it, in the long run, even
your higher authorities will respect you for your integrity. These things are set at the beginning
when you join a profession and they test you, your integrity and sometimes people fall very
naively to these traps and then they start giving more marks in the case of a teacher and pass a
student and then it becomes an expected norm every time the principal will call and tell you to
change the marks and do that. But once you refuse, despite any pressure or any kind of
blackmailing if you say no, with dignity with assertiveness and then they will realize that okay,
here is a person who is very integrated, honest and it won’t be possible to change this person and
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then next time there won’t be such request. So, it is important to set this integrity level as you
join a new profession and the next important thing, once you have joined and once you have
gained some trust you will be in such a position where confidential matters will be discussed.
And you will be in confidential discussion. Now, do not share any confidential matter with
others, including your most trusted friend or most trusted wife, beloved husband, boy or
girlfriend, so thinking that you are sharing in advertently, even if they say this or give him to
someone your job is in jeopardy, more than that your integrity is doubted and the credibility goes
down and that is undesirable and this is part of developing your business etiquette.
The next important thing: Do not say bad things about your company, your boss even when you
are drunk. So, people think that, they can take liquor and they can always excuse by saying that I
was under alcoholic drink, so I forgot what I was saying, and I abused my boss or the company.
The other excuses even when you have left the company, so they have left and joined somewhere
then also do not say bad things about that company. That was good that you left, and you think
you are in a better place, just be there and give your best. Now saying bad things about the
company, about the boss is not going to make that boss or that company really bad but it will
reveal a bad aspect of you to others. People will know you have served there for 10 years, 20
years and then now you can say very bad things about that company and the boss. And any
number of years you are going to serve in the present one, what is the guarantee that you will not
abuse this organization later, so that doubt in your integrity will start from the beginning. So,
don’t do that.
And the next important thing in terms of developing your business etiquette share your personal
details to the minimum required, especially if you are not married or married and like you are not
in good relationship with your spouse it is a strained relationship. Now these are things like you
can share to the minimum, but not very intimate details. Sharing intimate details can often cause
embarrassment and humiliation because the person whom you trusted will keep those details will
make it public, will share it with everyone; and everyone, some embarrassing detail of yours can
become the talk of the town. And you can be laughed behind you, you can see that sarcastic
smile from people so you lose your dignity but more than that sometimes intimate details can be
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used to emotionally blackmail you and make you reveal company secrets or some confidential
information that is known only to you so why risk this kind of going down in terms of your
dignity.
So, keep your personal details to the minimum. While talking, while giving a talk, while giving
your answer, response don’t beat around the bush that means don’t try to come to a point in a
very circular rambling meandering manner, talk to the point. So, time is money in business, and
they will value you, as long as you can save their time. For the same reason, don’t be ambiguous
when you are ambiguous you try to give more than one meaning so don’t be ambiguous, be clear
lucid and precise in communication.
So, it is worth going to our initial discussions on communication skills in the previous course in
case you want to know more about how you can become precise and use it so, so many tips have
been given there. So that is important in terms of communication not being ambiguous and but
being very clear and transparent. Be courteous, polite and respectful all the time, it is not only
inside the office will be like that, outside when you meet someone, you don’t even recognize the
person and behave like a stranger. No! keep smiling, exhibit cheerfulness again all the time. Use
frequently these lubricants, these polite words “Sorry”, “Please” and “Thank You”. These are the
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magical words that can fetch you anything that you want. Always request even if you are in a
demanding position so do not go and then demand something, demand, put pressure on
somebody to do something, always use polite phrases like me.
I request you to do this can you do this for me? So that actually will make the people feel obliged
to do, rather than resisting your demand or command and when you see people especially while
meeting in day to day walk somewhere in the corridor, first meeting, so just greet them so simple
thing like wishing them, and if they are your colleagues and of same age group and if it is an
informal setting you can say “Good Morning” by adding the name so “Good Morning Arjun!”
whereas, if it is senior and then it is a formal environment. So then you should say “Good
Morning Sir” or “Good Morning Ma’am and whenever you meet if it is afternoon “Good
Afternoon” or evening “Good Evening” and then if the discussion is slightly prolonged and you
can end by saying “Have a Nice Day!” Okay and so on, so that greeting also is making the
conversation go smooth and it is also making the other person feel comfortable with you
however avoid intimate relationships with anyone in the office this is something that I insisted on
the discussion with regard to managing love. So I discussed enough about this there, but just as a
caution avoid this intimate relationships in anyone in the office be it your boss, because it is easy
to develop intimate relationship with the boss and gain lot of favors but then people behind you,
you never know what they are talking about you and again in terms of integrity, moral values,
ethics, etiquette, you go down and same thing, if you are at a higher position and you maintain
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relationship, intimate relationship with your subordinate so that is also not appreciated and rather
people look down upon such relationships. So, it is important that you should avoid these ones.
Then, this is something that I hinted in the previous one: Don’t barge in without an appointment.
You should not do such things and if you have an appointment reach the place before time and
report to the receptionist or the secretary or the personal assistant instead of sitting and reading a
newspaper, or assuming that the concerned person will know that you have reached. It’s
important you should tell them. If you are the person who has given appointment and guests are
waiting do not keep the guests waiting if you have given an appointment and in case you kept
them waiting you have to appreciate their patience in terms of waiting, you need to apologize
and then if possible you can send some cool drinks or coffee or something so that they don’t feel
the boredom of waiting and then they don’t feel annoyed that you kept them waiting and keep
them in waiting only if it is inevitable, otherwise you should be there before time and you should
keep your appointment in time and at the end of the meeting in certain cases at the beginning of
the meeting remember to give your business card and when you give normally, mutually, the
other person will also respond to the gesture and other person will also give you the card but in
case the other person is hesitating to give especially, a lady, for example, a new person she may
be hesitating where her mobile number is there or somebody who is so busy, and maybe a
celebrity than you and is hesitating do not insist on business card from those people, okay. So, it
is their right to decide to give or not to give but from your side whenever you are beginning or
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ending whenever there is an opportune time, so just give the card, share it with the others and
keep the cards ready.
Last, but not the least, two important tips which will make you the ultimate business person use
win-win approach in conversations. So, in all debates, don’t seek to generate heat but through
light. So use this method, you are right but I am not wrong how do you explain so you will
slowly say you are right to the extent I agree with you to the extent where you discussed about
this, and to that extent maybe here, I am slightly incorrect but I am not completely wrong in
saying this. So, this makes the conversation reach this win-win level and then as, has been
discussed before, in terms of being assertive. Always be assertive and never be aggressive.
Aggressiveness only indicates your inferior feeling, your own inner insecurity. Assertiveness
indicates your calmness of mind and your surety, confidence. So, be assertive.
And the last tip is, praise your employees or colleagues in public before others and seek every
moment to praise them whenever it is possible. Try to praise them in public and acknowledge
their work, make it known to all. But, if you have to criticize and you found some fault in their
jobs, do not shout at them, share it with others in public. Do not reprimand them in public, if at
all you have to reprimand, call them privately in your office, in some chamber, some outside,
while having some coffee, okay, where the person is comfortable and the person is able to
receive in the right frame of mind, especially if you want the person to change a particular
behavior, you need to make the person know that it is the behavior that you want the person to
change and you are not against the person as a human being as such. Now to make it clear, so
you should not reprimand the person before others.
When you criticize someone before others, normally the other person will resist, they will
become defensive, because they don’t want to feel humiliated before others and to the extent
some people can even become offensive and they can reveal your own faults and they can try to
put you to shame so that this is equated, it is a kind of tit-for-tat. But on the other hand, even if
you are good, even if you are integrated and even if they are completely at fault do not try to
criticize them in public, okay. So that is not part of business etiquette and it is not going to serve
any good purpose.
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Now towards conclusion, you might be wondering is it possible for me to develop these traits in
me and this is something that we’ve been discussing from the beginning of the course where I
have been telling you that, these are not something that is inborn traits and these are
characteristics, qualities which can be developed and enhanced. So, let us look at two interesting
quotes from two eminent people about acquiring good manners. That is all about etiquette.
The first one from Benjamin Disraeli who says, “Cleanliness and order are not matters of
instinct;” it means, things related to showing you as neat and orderly, okay, like a thorough
professional in terms of meticulousness to detail, following time, etc., are not matters of instinct,
he says, it is not coming from within, it is not coming by birth, by hereditary, “they are matters
of education.” May be the parents taught you well, may be the teachers taught you well, maybe
your self imbibed these qualities from good cultured people around you, “and like most great
things you must cultivate a taste for them.” What Benjamin Disraeli says, even in case you have
not learned them, you can learn through education, that is not only from books, but by observing
others and not only that, you should not stop, you must cultivate a taste for them, you should
look at those people who have already developed, already have refined taste, refined qualities
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and try to learn from them, try to emulate them. There is no harm in imitating good qualities
from others and appreciate good things from others that is good for you.
And the next famous quote is from George Bernard Shaw, famous playwright, he says: “There is
no accomplishment so easy to acquire as politeness, and none more profitable.” So, for him all
the things in terms of ethics, etiquette, mannerisms he puts in the single word politeness. He
says, there is no accomplishment nothing you can achieve in this world so easy to acquire as
politeness, so acquiring this is not difficult being polite and none more profitable. So, it is easy,
but at the same time it is the most profitable one by being polite. I always remember how
politeness has helped me in various critical situations, I remember during my student days and a
very meticulous professor and deadlines are rigid and once he gives the assignment, we have to
submit on that day in particular, so due to some inevitable circumstance I could not finalize the
time that he has given, but if I rush through I will be able to give, but it will be a slightly
substandard product, as to my expectations. So, I took courage, I went to him although
everybody was afraid of asking him. At the end of the class, he was just arranging his teaching
material, so I interrupted, sought permission to ask him something, then he said fine, go ahead,
then very politely I asked him whether there is a possibility of submitting this by taking one
more day because it will help me to improve the quality of the assignment. As such, I can submit
but I will not be able to submit one with high quality. So, the teacher immediately said, that I
should normally say no to this, but the way you ask me is something that I want to appreciate, so
for that sake, I am just giving you one more day. It is not my intelligence that won the day, but it
was my politeness in which I approached him. So that was the time, I realized that this
inculcating of soft skills, and then implementing them at the right time can save us from many
troubles, and can make us run life in a very smooth manner.
(Refer Slide time: 30:33)
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If you want to slightly know more details about this, in terms of business etiquette, one
interesting book that I found is: Sally Chew, Business Etiquette: An Essential Guide for
Executives. It is published by Times Books, and about the year 1992, so if you can get this and if
you want to know more details about including body language, how you should eat in dining
tables, how you should follow this table mannerisms and etiquette, which already in terms of
body language we have discussed before. But in case, you need to know more in details. Thank
you again for watching this video. We are almost nearing the completion of the course and these
two units will help you to establish you as a thorough professional, as a good gentleman and then
develop your professional skills along with this etiquette. Wish you success in whatever
profession that you have chosen, whatever business that you will settle, as well as success in
social life. So, have a nice day. Thanks again.
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Course Title
Lecture - 38
Managing Mind and Memory
by…
Hello hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
This is the eighth week and the third unit lesson number 38 and, in this unit,, let us focus on
Managing Mind and Memory and before we start going to the concept, let us take a quick
highlight of what I did in the last lesson.
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In the last lecture, we learnt about business etiquette, which refer to those mannerisms a
professional is expected to follow in business and social situations. So, as I explained the
professional, somebody like an engineer or a doctor is supposed to behave in a particular manner
both in the professional area as well as in the social situation and in that context some significant
norms for developing business etiquette were introduced and they are as follows.
In a business meeting or social gathering, introducing first the person who accompanies you is
very important. Speaking in a common language, not chewing gum or eating something while
participating in serious discussions, not interrupting a speaker and if you have to interrupt
seeking permission, informing about your absence in meetings in advance, refusing to do
anything unethical even if the pressure comes from higher authorities in the long run they will
learn about your integrity and honesty and initial days are the testing time so you should refuse
to do anything unethical.
Not saying bad things about the previous company or the boss. Even when you are not in your
senses, even when you are drunk or even when you have left the job you are not supposed to say
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that. Talking to the point, especially in communication and in a precise manner without any
ambiguity, being courteous, polite and respectful all the time, avoiding intimate relationships
with office colleague, pricing people in public but criticizing them in private. So, if you have to
reprimand, you have to call them in your office privately and then not in the presence of anybody
you need to share your critical comments, but if you have the price you can praise them in
public. Having discussed all these things, I gave some interesting quotes which emphasized on
the point that you need to keep acquiring these good manners and keep developing taste for them
also.
So, it is not like that one day, one night by watching one video you learn all of them. You need to
observe, you need to learn, you need to educate yourself to develop those mannerisms and then it
will become an integral part of you and slowly people will recognize you as a professional with
excellent etiquette, so with that thought we concluded the previous one.
Let us begin this lesson with an interesting aspect of the mind, The Power of Mind. According to
John Milton, “The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of
Heaven.” What did he mean by that? He meant that the mind even if it stays in own place, it need
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not go anywhere in its own place, it can make a heaven of hell or hell of heaven, so hell or
heaven is not something outside the mind, it is inside the mind and it has the capability to create
a hell out of heaven or heaven out of hell. Similarly, Abraham Lincoln says, “Most folks are
about as happy as they make up their minds to be,” Now these thoughts are similar and they
indicate that human mind is capable of creating happiness or sorrow on its own by its own
capabilities it is all in the mind and correcting your mind, organizing your mind, channelizing it
and then extracting the power of your mind gives you power. If the mind is scattered, so
scattered mind yields to divergent thoughts and gets bogged down with fatigue soon. So, it gets
scattered, it is getting kenotic, confused, so many things are available, so many options to do so,
then it feels fatigued very soon, it loses its energy.
The organized mind on the other hand, like sunrise converged into a lens, burns with
unquenchable energy. So that organized mind, when you organize all your thoughts and let it
concentrate, focus on one activity that you have chosen at your hand should be a very highly
valuable task then you will become a better and happier person than what you are now. So that is
the secret of using your mind power to become successful.
Now if you ask can you organize my mind all the time? Rather you should understand first, mind
is mercurial, very quickly changing, very dynamic and you cannot control your thoughts all the
time that easily. Too many thoughts overlap in our minds and they change in a fraction of second
going to external stimuli which are processed through our five senses. For instance, let us say
you are travelling in a very calm area where you are surrounded by scenic beauty and then you
are on a train and then the beauty itself is evoking you to write some poem, you are in a very
poetic thought and then some nostalgic moments so you are completely immersed in very
beautiful thoughts.
Now this moment, which is felt by you with overwhelming beautiful thoughts can be changed
quickly by some shocking thing found on the road. Let us say, you find a jackal eating a dead
body or you see suddenly an accident something that is horrifying and something that is striking
your eyes, maybe the blood freshly rousing out of the body that was hit in the accident. Now this
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thing in reality will just hit you and then the thoughts that were coming as a flow will just go
away, it will be distracted.
So, every time, so through eyes you are getting, through ears some noise, some songs through
touch, through all your sense organs, whatever you are receiving as inputs, so they go and give a
kind of eternal flow to your thoughts. So, it is very important that you need to organize and focus
it in one direction and you need to give that direction, so that is the secret. It is not to let it flow
freely but to channelize it to think focused in one chosen direction.
Now the other interesting factor that you need to know is that, psychiatrist agree that we only use
about 10% of our mind efficiently and use 40% of our mind inefficiently by struggling to store
trivial details because mind is like your hard disk, so the hard disk also has a storage space and
then whatever you put in your computer is getting stored, so even if you put some unwanted
information that also gets stored and just like the way, your mind keeps storing, occupying space
even when it is grasping, getting some information from gossips, rumors. So, the next time when
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you read a rumor, oh! that actress ran away with that director, so you need to actually ask,
should I read this kind of things and let my mind register this kind of thoughts?
Because your space in the mind is at a premium, you cannot expand it and then you are putting
lot of trivial details by which you are occupying about 40% of your mind and making it become
inefficient and its operating in 10% very actively and there is another 50% of our mind which
remains almost unused. Now, if you go by this thought and if you understand that if we can
achieve what we all have been doing so far only by 10% efficient use of our minds imagine how
much we can achieve if we can use our minds 100%.
To do this, we need to cheat our minds, we need to hypnotize our minds using autosuggestion
and to do this, again you need not take any professional help, it is enough if you become a friend
of yourself and then try to talk to your mind and then you talk to the mind as a very trusted friend
and then you talk only when it is necessary, but you keep watching your thoughts and interfere at
the right moment, appropriate time to give direction and prevent your mind from going astray.
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For example, let us say you are a student and then, you are going to another class which is a
routine and then as per the timetable, it shows there will be about 48 classes like this and only
about 21 have been completed. Now, this is yet another class and then there will be yet another,
and another in the coming. So, the sheer monotony, how does it affect you? Is it affecting your
thoughts and making you feel bored and then gather lot of negativity even before entering into
that classroom? So watch your thoughts. When you are going to attend one of those regular class
lectures, watch your thoughts, it could be any event when you are going there just watch your
thoughts. They actually give direction to your mind and take note of them especially those last
few minutes before you enter the classroom or auditorium or a meeting hall, before you attend
that event.
Now, if the flow of the thoughts or overtly negative such as, the thoughts are coming to you like
“Oh! Another boring lecture!” I didn’t prepare today also, how can I manage? what is the use of
attending this lecture? Now these are negative thoughts coming and then they will try to sap your
energy even before attending the lecture. However, you can change those negative vibes, if you
inject positive thoughts as:
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“Today, I will learn something new from this lecture and today I will note some important points
from this lecture and then as soon as you go to the class and then you take a quick look of the
students and you tell yourself, students appear to be more enthusiastic today, teacher looks
thoroughly prepared today, maybe it is her favourite topic and then you tell yourself that I should
take notes and focus on the concept. Now by telling these things in your mind what you are
doing is, you are hypnotizing your mind to believe, accept that you can actually learn from this
situation even in reality it might be boring or monotonous but you are making your mind believe
that you can really gain something from it and once you make the mind believe it will bring the
best of the situation and it will make you get that heaven out of hell even if you are supposed to
be in that hell like situation.
Focusing on yourself and letting the mind think about your improvement is the key to self-
development. Instead, many people you let the mind focus on other’s achievements, instead of
focusing on yourself and letting the mind think about your improvement people let the mind look
at others, other’s achievement, and then what they are doing all the time, so is he reading, is he
preparing for the exam instead of looking at you, are you reading, are you preparing for the
exam, are you thorough in your preparation, instead of checking what others are doing.
Now, in this way what these people do is they often make comparisons with others and believe
that they are less capable, so comparisons with others always will try to underestimate your
capabilities and this has been told before, you should keep in your mind now that the course is
reaching a conclusion stage, the only real competition is always with yourself but not with
anybody else and one has to use one’s mine to push oneself from one level to another.
So, if you have done satisfactorily, excellently some job at one level now, don’t be complacent,
push yourself to the next level so that you bring the better in you and it is all in the mind and it’s
possible, you can always push yourself to one level ahead and these mind games are the ones to
be won first. In order to do that you need to make your thinking also very effective.
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It is not just thinking, but effective thinking. Because much of life’s crucial decisions depend on
effective thinking. Often thinking is muddled for lack of sufficient information or for want of a
fresh mind. So, either you do not get sufficient information to coherently think on something and
then come out with a plausible answer or for want of a fresh mind in the sense your mind has
already become exhausted, so it is lacking energy to think. What can you do? Try following for
the effective thinking, some suggestions I am giving.
First, collect all relevant facts and share it with your friends, well-wishers and seek relevant
comments, especially in a very critical situation or when you are in a dilemma as to choose this
or that so you seek input from others and suggestions from trusted sources. But, do not take any
decision in great hurry especially, if you can wait, so wait, don’t just quickly give any response if
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you are in confusion. And let the facts, the comments, the suggestions sink in your mind, as well
as go to your memory and if something started in the morning let it sink and then take a good
sleep, sleep well and then let these suggestions and other things work in your subconscious mind
and think a fresh in the morning, in fact when you get up in the morning like a flash you may get
some good suggestions which you didn’t get before when the brain was feeling exhausted.
Now even if you don’t get it, the other option is choose open space for a thoughtful walk, so you
can go to your garden, can walk near sea shore if it is possible or some natural surrounding so
just go where you are not crowded by people or lot of artificiality, be with the nature and then
you will get the suggestions which you would not get if you just sit in cramped spaces and then
surrounded by people so you may not get that, so try that thinking afresh and try to get that out of
the box thinking by just going out.
And at the same time, try to listen to your instinct and allow gut feelings to prompt a right action.
After feeding all these things instead of just getting confused or feeling compelled by some
external things even by advertisements or even by somebody strong pushing so do not make a
wrong decision, but if you listen to your instinct and then if you allow your gut feelings to
prompt the right action it will.
The other interesting thing is, most of the times when we are confused and asking people, so
whether it is a management expert or a well-wisher or a psychiatrist or a consultant or even an
astrologer when you go and ask is it right thing, is it the right time, can I do this or not, is it good
for my friend, is it good for my son or daughter, when you ask all these things most of the times
you ask rhetorical questions.
So in, what rhetorical questions, rhetorical questions are questions which have answers in built in
them, the answers are there already, so when you ask these questions so the people at the other
end they understand your mindset they know that okay you want to do this at this time and you
want somebody to say that so when you ask the questions you will put all these things before
others and the other person can easily grasp, especially somebody like an astrologer or a very
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good consultant they will be able to tell you immediately oh this is the thing you should be
doing, okay.
Sometimes they are actually supporting your prejudice, sometimes they are actually trying to
make you come out with a clear understanding of what you want, as it is said that, when you toss
a coin and then before it falls down and whether you have to decide between head or tail but the
heart already waits for something, if it is head you have already decided it should be the one and
then where is it the heart pining for, where it is inclined towards so that tells you what you are
really interested in. So just like the tossing, you are actually tossing your ideas before people and
then seeking their responses for the correct direction, but however, I just want to tell you that
most of the times we ask these rhetorical questions.
But if we can put that to ourselves and then let it sink and then let our instinct work on it, we
don’t even have to ask anybody and we will be able to get the right decision for ourselves so that
can be done through effective thinking so that is what I wanted to tell you in terms of effective
thinking.
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Now, the next important thing in terms of using your mind is trying to link that with your
memory because mind and memory go hand in hand and a very well organized mind is clearly
backed up by excellent memory, so the when you price somebody for organizing things so
effectively in the mind, you only give credit to the person’s memory to keep things in order,
retrieve things in whatever order that is required and then restore, and then this ability, this
ability to use the short-term memory as well as the long-term memory to synchronize between
these two.
So that is done using a very good coordination between well organized mind and excellent
memory. Human mind and memory work through association of ideas. Now, this very important,
you need to associate ideas, you need to group them, you need to link them, you need to cluster
them, while most of the associations are made at subconscious level to make associations work at
a conscious level, the memory needs to be trained. Here, since our course aim is not to trainee
you get super memory.
I will be only giving your tips but if you can use, read, experience some of the suggestions given
in books like Harry Lorayne in his Secrets of Mind Power and I am giving you one more book at
the end for further reference, if we can use these simple books particularly, Lorayne Secrets of
Mind Power illustrates how totally unconnected objects can be connected together by
association, which can be remembered and recalled without any difficulty. As a demo for a
demonstration, he gives 12 words and they are actually not connected. The words he uses are
book, flower, cigarette, eyeglasses, shoe, suitcase, car, clock, baseball, pen, necktie, ship. Now
although they are completely unrelated there is an exercise in the book where he gives you ample
suggestions as how you can link one with the other and remember all of them and in whichever
order you want to remember without missing any of them. So, one or two tips I want to discuss
here so to remember them in any order first he suggests that these words need to be tied up in
pairs. That is, you need to link, for example book with flower, cigarette with eyeglasses, shoe
and suitcase and they must be tied up in an illogical and ridiculous manner, so that is the best
part so you have to link them in a very illogical and ridiculous manner. Why should it be linked
in an illogical and ridiculous manner, because when everything is logically connected, it
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becomes monotonous and mind will not remember and if it is normal, it will not remember. So,
as they say normal is boring for the mind also it will remember illogical, funny, ridiculous
abnormal things.
Take for example you are walking; let us say each day by crossing one path and then nothing
happens in that path. One day while crossing, so somebody poured water from the top and then
you are shocked and later you came to know it was Holi, so somebody poured colour water on
you but that shocking moment and then they made a fool of you and people laughed and then
you also laughed later, you also started playing with them but that moment you will easily
recapture, than let us say hundreds of times you have walked through the same path without any
such illogical thing happening in your life. So, any funny things, anything unusual that happens
will be remembered, captured in the mind. In case of the examples that he gave, for examples.
He used about twelve, let us look at one or two, book and flower: you should remember a flower
reading a book or you should remember books growing in a garden instead of flowers, rather you
should visualize, you should think of them in your mind and it is important that you should close
your eyes and then in the mind you should recollect that okay, okay, this flower is reading a
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book, so you imagine a big flower and keeping that book in the hand and the flower reading it.
Now, once you visualize and keep in the mind, so you remember both of them. Then you see the
flower reading the book smoking a cigarette so don’t go for the logic, how can this flower smoke
a cigarette. No, you just need to link this with the next word and once you visualize and
remember that, go to the next word and then link that with cigarette, so the cigarette now wears
eyeglasses, again don’t think what is the logic, just make it funny and as funny as possible and
then you keep on adding the other words and then form a chain and each chain is connected with
one funny thought, one funny image with the other and then train your memory to recollect the
chain, it will do it with less effort.
The other techniques like Lorayne and others suggest in terms of remembering numbers or
linking numbers with images; it is like you can say slightly the other way around or pictures
which resemble the number. So let us take a quick example. For example, if you have to
remember one. So you have to remember objects which look like one, for example an Umbrella
or a Cigarette or a Chalk piece or pen/pencil so anything that you will be able to recollect one.
Two, you may remember two in terms of your eyes or two leaves or anything that will bring your
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mind two quickly. And you don’t have to look at the examples which I am giving. So, in terms of
three, you can remember a coconut with three eyes or Lord Shiva with three eyes or anything
that will bring to your mind three. For four, Chair, because it has four legs, Car: four wheels, so
anything that you can recollect with four. For five, for example, Five Star, so you need to
remember the number or order by first linking it with the objects.
So, you can go up to 100 if you wish but at least up to 20 if you make linking objects with the
numbers, then you will be able to remember a number. Suppose they say that we need 12, okay,
around twelfth, the date, so you always forget dates they say that it is on the twelfth. So how do
you remember this twelfth? So, you can remember for example a pencil in the middle of your
eyes or somebody has put the pencil so pencil (1) and eyes (2): 12. So once you visualize this
image and recollect the image, 12 well come to your mind. Let us say they say we are ordering
for 51 this time, so to remember that number so you can five already we thought it will be Five
Star so if you think like one for example we associated with cigarette so a 5 Star smoking or a 5
Star just holding an umbrella okay just even you make that like a cartoon or like a clipart and
you imagine this five-star funnily holding an umbrella and then you will be able to remember
that 5 for this star and then umbrella for 1. And you will never forget that it is 51. So, these are
simple mind games that you can play by association.
We will look at more interesting tips and in terms of managing your memory, improving your
memory and then make the mind function effectively and then make it help you to develop your
personality in better and happier manner.
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Now before I conclude, I want to leave you thinking of two interesting quotations about freedom
and learning. What is freedom? “If a man does only what is required of him, he is a slave.” So
the job says you need to work nine to five, you will work from nine to five exactly or some of
you finish the job by 4:30, you will work only what is required anything you have to read only
this syllabus for the exam, you will read only that much. According to A. W. Robertson, you are
a slave if you do only what is required of you because you are always bound by what is given to
you, what is restricted by somebody from outside. So, you will remain a slave. “The moment he
does more, he is a freeman.” The moment you come out of that, come out of the syllabus do
something extra, come out of that time that has been imposed on you, do something extra keep
something in advance you are free, nobody can restrict, nobody can control you. So, freedom is
not by doing less, not by restricting, confining you to what is less expected from you, but
freedom is gained by learning more, seeking more and then exceeding in terms of what is
actually required from you.
The second quote is in a sense related that is in terms of learning. So, to free yourself, you need
to learn constantly, and this is from Knight Dunlap, he says: “It is no great exaggeration to say
that living is for the most part learning. He says that, I am not exaggerating, living for the most
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part it means only learning and that the remainder of life is merely the carrying on in practice
what has previously been learned.” So the remainder of life is merely the carrying on in practice
what has previously been learned. So, whatever is remaining in the life is based on what you
have learned before. “We begin to learn as soon as we begin to live. So, living and learning is a
kind of process that happens, goes together very probably the learning process commences
sometime before birth. It does not appear probable that we cease to learn until we are in the
actual clutches of death.” When do we stop learning only when death has come to us.
So, till death, you keep learning, you keep improving, you keep developing yourself. So, it is the
fixed mindset that thinks that learning is completed when you have completed whatever is given
in the syllabus and when you are completed and got a certificate, but active learning begins after
that along with that and it never stops there. So, with that thing, wishing that you will keep
learning, learning forever and learning as long as you live, try to refer to these two books one by
David Thomas on Improving Your Memory.
The other one is by Harry Lorayne which I mentioned already while discussing with you it is on
Secrets of Mind Power. These two books can really work wonders for you in terms of improving
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your memory as well as using your mind as a very powerful tool in shaping your personality. So,
with this, I take leave from you, wishing you all the best! Thank you so much for watching this
video, have a very nice day!
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Course Title
Lecture - 39
Improving Memory
by…
Hello, Hai! Welcome back to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.
This is week number eight and unit number four and lesson number 39. Just one more lesson to
go and will be completing this course. So, this is the penultimate lesson, so I thought that you
need lot of tips to improve your memory and remember what all have been told to you. So, this
unit will focus on improving your memory. And before we start discussing on how to improve
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your memory, let us take a quick look at what I did in the previous one, highlights of the last
lesson. In the last lesson, we learnt about the power of mind and why it is important to manage
and train memory. Human mind is capable of creating happiness or sorrow on its own by its own
capabilities so, it is the mind that creates hell or heaven and it is depending on how you use it
you can make your place, your surrounding happy or a very sorrowful place. By organizing your
mind, and focusing it on a highly valuable task, you can become a better and happier person than
what you are now. And the other interesting factor that was discussed was this, that only ten
percent of our mind is used for most of our accomplishments.
And imagine if he can make use of the remaining ninety percent, we will be able to achieve great
feats. But most of the times we are wasting about forty percent of our mind capacity in storing
trash, useless information, which we should not do and try to restore that forty percent along with
the fifty percent of unused part in the mind and use that ninety percent combined with the ten
percent, hundred percent efficiently. To do that, we need to hypnotise our minds using auto-
suggestion and you don’t need to go for any specialist training in order to do that you just keep
watching your thoughts, and interfere at the right moment to give direction and preventing it
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from going astray, especially when negative vibes are there, negative thoughts are there, you just
check it at the right moment, and inject counter it with positive thoughts and then many people
think that by comparing with someone else they think that somebody is better than themselves,
and they feel low in terms of their capabilities. Actually, mind power for each person is
unlimited and, in this sense the only competition is with oneself not with everyone. One has to
use one’s mind to push oneself from one level to another. It’s all in the mind. And mind games
are to be one first. Much of life’s crucial decisions depend on effective thinking, which is
possible by—Collecting relevant information; not taking any decision in great hurry; letting
facts, comments, sink in your mind and memory while sleeping; thinking a fresh in the morning
after letting the subconscious mind work out with all the information that we have given as
inputs, and then, wait for the outputs to come in a very relaxed atmosphere where you take a
morning thoughtful walk in a natural surrounding; and most important of all, allowing your gut
feelings to prompt right action. Memory works through association of ideas, so that is what I
talked to you at the time of concluding the previous lesson.
And I gave some examples as how you can use memory to remember things by using association
of ideas. However, most part, the association works at a very subconscious level, but to make it
conscious, you need to train it, you need to give it some training in a very conscious manner. So,
in this lesson, let us see how you can make the best use of memory, how you can train and then
how you can make your mind function in a very organized manner. Now, let us begin with
remembering names and faces. Normally, we like those people who remember our names and
call us frequently by our names. Somehow, we start liking them and then those people who
remember us from the first introduction, we somehow develop a kind of affection, thinking that
those people like us, so that is a human tendency. We tend to think that those who do not
remember our names as those who do not take us seriously or those who do not consider us
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worthy of maintaining relationships with them Anyway, you as a professional and in case you
reach a good position, you have to remember all the names of the peoples that you are associated
with. Forgetting even one name can cause some embarrassment. Especially the person may even
feel offended if you forget. In worst situation and in a very funny humorous manner it can
happen, you may wrongly associate the face of a person with the wrong name. In the sense, that
the person’s enemies name may come to your mind and then, if you call the person by that name,
immediately the individual may feel offended, the name that the person doesn’t want to hear, and
you have confused this person for that name. So, avoid that kind of embarrassment by
remembering the names correctly. However, these days, people are increasingly losing their
abilities to remember names or faces, which may be due to the surplus of information received.
So, today there is this overflow of information and then we are suffused with information
everywhere.
And it is very difficult for the mind to process and then decide what will be kept for short-term
memory and what will be kept for long-term memory. And often we don’t give it enough time in
terms of processing. But apart from that, there are certain other things we do such as causing
stress or suffering from fatigue or just not sleeping properly or not eating properly. Now all these
negative things can exhaust the brain, it can make it tired and it can affect the normal and brisk
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functioning of the mind. So, if you want to organize your mind properly, so remember to eat well
and sleep well, so remember the lessons we did before in terms of managing your health.
Another interesting reason for people not remembering names—
This has been pointed out by Harry Lorayne in his Secrets of Mind Power where he says: “Many
people who constantly complain that they forget names don’t really forget them. Rather he says,
they never remember them in the first place. As a matter of fact, sometimes they never even hear
them” So what does it mean? Actually, you don’t forget things in the first instance, you don’t
remember, you don’t even bother to remember, you didn’t pay enough attention. You just
thought that you heard something, but actually you didn’t listen, you didn’t act as a proper
listener, active listener.
You are a marginal poor listener at that time. So, in this context, Lorayne suggests that the first
rule for remembering names is that you should hear the name properly the moment you are
introduced to someone. So normally in a social gathering when you are introduced to someone it
is very difficult to hear even sometimes especially when there is music around, people are
dancing, making lot of noise, smiling, cracking jokes, and you cannot catch the name quickly.
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But still, if you cannot remember the moment you are introduced to someone, you should not
feel embarrassed to ask the person to repeat her name or spell it for you.
Now people generally like to share such information especially about their names, so you should
not feel embarrassed, you can rather ask the person so how do you spell it, okay. Then, when you
split the spelling if it is a long name you will be able to catch the pronunciation and you will be
able to remember it. The Associated technique, in terms of remembering this is once you have
got the name correctly, once you have registered the name mentally in your mind, you should use
it, you should mention it, you should say it, you should utter it at least three times to retain it in
memory.
Let us say you are introduced to Sheila, so, Nice meeting you Sheila! Use the name and then,
How did you like the food Sheila? Do you like this Sheila? etc, etc. While going, after giving
some gaps so you go and say Good night Sheila! so see you some time later Sheila, like when
you use the name at least three times so, then it enters into your memory and then it is very
difficult to erase it. So as Lorayne points out, most of the times you forget because you never
remembered.
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So, you try to remember by registering it. Then in terms of remembering names and faces
according to Lorayne the best way to remember names and faces is to associate the name to the
face, and he says it can be done in two ways, one by making the name mean something and
second by tying the name to the face okay. Let us see how we can work it out. In both cases, one
has to use one’s creative imagination. Giving meaning to a name will be easily done if the name
itself means something, like for example: Mr. Greenwood so green, green color, wood you can
remember wood from tree the material.
So, Mr. Temple Brown so you can remember a temple and you can remember that it is in brown
color. Indian names such as, Ms. Chandini, so you know it’s from moon, so we can remember
half-moon and you can remember her face something like moon and Mr. Surya so you can
remember it is from Sun. So, you can associate meaning and then when you link the meaning
with an image it is very easy to remember. But the problem is with those names where it is very
difficult to identify some meaning so there are names apparently appear to be without any
meaning that is associated with the root meaning of the name.
So, in case of names without any meaning one need to give meaning, so you have to use your
creativity. So Lorayne for example gives a very interesting case, the name like Stapleton. So, at
the first instance, it looks like what meaning can you have for this kind of name, but he says that
you split it, okay. Staple ton, now it is easy for you to remember by imagining that there are so
many staples that weigh a ton! okay. So many staples weighing a ton! Similarly, I can give
another example an Indian name like Himanshu, which actually indicates the moon radiating
cool light.
But in case you don’t know the meaning and then let us say you are from some other part of the
country, so you cannot associate this person with cool moon rays and then you need to figure out
some way or other. So then again you can split the name and then for example you can easily
remember as somebody. So here, “Him” a male person with “an” “shoe” okay, so it is based on
the rhyming and giving meaning so Himanshu, so you are splitting that. Now here, don’t look for
grammatical correction in “an”. So, you will say it should be a shoe and then you will also say it
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should be always used as shoes so remember the previous rule, we discussed in the last lesson
that if you are able to make as many illogical associations as possible, your mind will remember.
The moment you make it logical, it will forget it is like driving on a long highway, where it is the
same monotonous situation where you are following trucks, are overtaking one truck and then
going before the other and then overtaking one and going before the other and you are repeating
the same thing.
And then it gets monotonous and then your mind will slightly try to fall asleep, okay, even
without your ability to control it. Now why it happens because things are going in a very normal
routine manner and is getting repeated in a very logical straight forward manner. But when it is
illogical, mind will remember so it gets a jolt, it seems that oh! it is not like the normal one. So, I
should keep this in mind okay so try to give that jolt by using illogical connections and then
trying to remember that and link that as in the second method with an image.
That is what is meant by tying the name to the face. So here, you need to associate an image or a
distinctive feature of the person with the name. Now the distinctive feature of a person may be a
mole, a moustache and the different size and shape of the moustache, a protruding tooth, dimples
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on the chin, hair colour itself can be very distinctive, hair style can be distinctive, nose size, ear
size etc. So, these are all distinctive features of a person and identify something very distinctive
in this character in this face and note that. The next interesting thing is like, no two people find
the same feature distinctive.
So, what you may find it different, unique is not the one somebody else will also find on the
same person. The other interesting thing is that, some people do not note what some others note
in a person! So, you may note that the person, the girl that whom you are seeing is noted for her
smile and then you note the dimples, okay. But the other person with you has not even noted
when you share that the person says: Oh! Did she have dimples, I didn’t note it! So that is
something interesting, so mind works differently for different people. So, you identify the one
that is distinctive for you and then link it. And then associate the name with the image. Again,
looking at some typical Indian names, let us say Surya is from the Sun and you then try to link
some quality of Sun that is gold. So, you see Surya is wearing a gold tinted spectacles okay. So
when you remember gold tinted spectacles, then, gold Surya will come to your mind or Chandini
for example: Moon. So, you can say Chandini is wearing a silver bracelet, so look at Chandini
wearing silver bracelet, whether she is wearing it or not, you imagine that she is wearing it and
then link that with silver bracelet and silver, moon and then immediately you will recollect the
name.
So, for practice, what you should do is, you should cut out pictures from magazines, give them
names, and use them as cue cards for improving your memory. And then in due course what will
happen, let us say you have about 100 faces, 100 different names, you will rather even quickly
associate with some of the cue card that you have. And then identify a new face and you will
recollect the face very quickly at a later stage. Now in this case, you should be also be able to use
some memory aids. Now in order to make your memory work for you, often you need to use
some memory aids, some tips so what could be the aids?
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For example, a Small White-Board in which you can write on a sketch pen and then erase it,
White-Board marker pen and erase it or even a Notice Board in which you can write even using a
chalk piece or something where you can list all the items you have to do and once it is done you
rub it bit off or you strike it off. So, this can contain a To Do List on one side, Event List on
another side, Shopping List on a third side. You can also use a notebook or a diary or a small
notebook that you can carry in your pocket, pocket notebook where you can maintain tasks to do,
items to buy and once you buy you can remove it. Many people just use simple piece of paper in
which they make list.
And then once it is done, they throw it. In-fact, they make different lists for different things and
once it is done, they throw it and write a new list. Today, you can use any mobile or computer
application for managing list. There are plenty of applications, use the one that you prefer. So,
they even send your reminders, they can use your email to send reminders, they can pop up and
tell you why don’t you wish someone, it’s their birthday today and so on. And then, when you
make the list, so using these apps or when you want to remember them again, you can rearrange
the list as per priority and then by the topmost one first, do the topmost one first or arrange them
according to number or use the alphabet or even you can give color, you can use color to identify
most important, least important tasks. So, in case of a shopping list let us say you have to go and
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shop things from 4, 5 shops. So, you can arrange the items according to the roadmap that is, the
first shop that comes. So you will buy something and then you will take a turn, you have to take
a different direction where you will find the second shop and then the third one, instead of
buying something that is at a longer distance first and then coming back to something that is
available at a shorter distance again going to buy something at the longest distance.
So, you should buy from the small one and go to the longest one in distance or first go to the
longest one, buy and come to the next that is longer and then smaller and the smallest in terms of
distance. So that will save you so much time so all it needs is planning. It should not happen that
okay you went to the shop and forgot that oh! that should be purchased from the other shop. So
that is why you arrange geographically according to our roadmap and according to the shops
which are coming, and the items are listed according to the shops in terms of their order of
appearance on the road and then apart from these things you can train your mind and memory by
certain other simple techniques. One technique, that I find it very easy and quite beneficial even
in exams, even when you have to recollect something, concepts names, you can use numbers or
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alphabets for recalling names which are on the edge of your memory. So, alphabets can be like
Hindi or English or any of your language you use that, and you can link the word or concept or
name and when you forget it by saying that one by one you will actually get that in your mind.
So, let us like look at an example for instance, you know that you will get the name if you
somehow recollect the beginning. In most of the cases, either you remember the beginning, or
you remember the end of something, a name or a thing.
But if you get either the beginning or the end, so you will be able to remember this. So, let us say
you know that the name ends with this sound na “n” so, in such case mentally you need to say
each letter of the alphabet and then end that with n. Such as so a…n, and then b…n, so you will
know okay a…n, it is not Ashwin, b…n, so, it is not bacon or something c…n, okay d…n, and
when you go one by one and then when you reach v…n, so it might strike in your mind
immediately that oh that is Varun.
So, you got it, so you can do this even when you are not able to recollect very quickly while
talking to the person mentally, you can very quickly rush through and then get the name and then
say that Hai Varun! how are you? okay. And in exams you can again link concepts and then that
particular word let us say that is a keyword or that is the one-word answer that you are not able
to remember. So that again you use this method, at least try to say the alphabets, by the time you
reach even midway so you will be able to get it. You can practice this even for purchase list or
anything that you remember but find it difficult to recollect.
Other tips for training your mind and memory: Focus on activity at hand. This very important.
That concentration, when you concentrate so mind absorbs things and it’s easy for the mind to
retain it in memory. For example, when you read although you may say that I am reading and
then listening to songs, so then the reading is easy for me actually you are not letting your mind
and memory work very efficiently. Okay, sometimes you try to handle a monotonous task by
keeping the TV on or listening to music, but normally if you want to read something and
remember that for a long time.
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And when you read something serious, let us say for your exam or for your presentation you are
preparing something, avoid keeping the TV on or the tape recorder on, so do not listen to
something and then keep your mind, ears, occupied.
And then again you are forcing that to remember something that you are absorbing through your
eyes and then taking it to your mind. It is easy for the mind to remember when it can concentrate
on one single task. And, when you do something, register details in your mind. So, usually you
just do something with a vague mindset and then you don’t figure out details. This happens to
people normally for instance, while locking your door at your home or at your office, you should
not think of something else. Now if you don’t pay attention at that time that you are locking the
door and let your mind jump to some other thought, so you lock, but your mind is thinking, Oh! I
have to meet that person on the way so will that person be there in the canteen I have to rush
already it’s getting late. Now, when you are locking it your mind is not there, but half of the way
there will be a nagging feeling in your mind because you let it jump at that moment so your mind
didn’t register the fact that you have locked the door and it will keep on nagging and giving you
the doubt and you will keep on asking, Did I lock the door? So, and then it’s very dangerous in
this place to leave it unlocked and then any thief, anybody can enter and then instead of making
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that appointment in time you will rush back to check and you will find that it is locked, okay.But
that is just for your satisfaction, so you will go back to check again. Why it happens, because
while locking your mind jumped on something else and you didn’t pay attention, so that paying
attention and not letting the mind jump and telling the mind and making the memory register that
you locked it is very important.
You can also keep the mind active and keep your memory very lively by keeping the brain active
such as by playing games which will involve any kind of mental activity. And then that will
stimulate the mind to think, keep certain facts in mind or practice activities that will need your
memory. Things like working out puzzles, like a playing scrabble, playing chess, and learning a
new language, which again is a challenge. So, mind has to remember so many things, so they all
keep the mind active and today for even small thing we do not use our mind and memory and
then, we sort of relay completely on the electronic gadgets and then use them as projections and
we completely rely on them.
So what you should do for example for the simple calculation, you do not go to the calculator, so
use your memory, use your mind, so whenever you go to calculator for small thing you are
depriving of your mind and memory to practice, to exercise and keep both of them active. So,
towards concluding this, I would like to say that by using these tips, suggestions and very well
experimental wise thoughts by great experts in mind and memory whose thoughts and books I
have shared it with you, and I am going to show that at the end of this lecture also. You should
be well organized.
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And, when you are well-organized, what are the benefits you will be completely in control of
your life and you will be efficient in getting your jobs done in time. So you will do more things
than the normal people and much more efficiently than the normal people that is because you are
using your mind in a very organized manner and using your memory to the maximum and using
your mind power for hundred percent and you will always remember were you have kept
important things.
You will not search for the keys, so you will not search for those files, even if you have missed
placed it, you will recall it very quickly and you will always remember important dates and
appointments and you will never forget birthdays and anniversaries of people close to you, so
that the relationship gets enriched instead of getting embittered when you forget the important
functions of people who are close to you. Now, let me conclude this with two important thinking,
in terms of The Art of Living. The first one is from Bertrand Russell, he says: “To be without
some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.”
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Now in the entire program, entire course I have been telling that develop your Soft Skills so that
you can get this, develop your Personality so that you can achieve this, you can accomplish this,
okay. But I also told you that, it is important that you compete with yourself, you develop for
yourself and then you do not try to compete with someone and whatever you get you will get it
for yourself.
But at the same time in this world, you may not get everything that you are aspiring for. So,
Russell says that even if you don’t get some of the things you want, he says that, that’s an
indispensable part of happiness so he says that doesn’t matter, that sense of lack, that I didn’t
have that, but I am having certain other things. So that is important for really feeling happy,
rather he says if you have everything, whatever you want in life, if you have everything with
you, he is implying that you will be unhappy, you will not really be happy.
Now, let us look at the next one from John Greenleaf Whittier, so he also makes another
interesting thing that you should remember throughout your life he says: “For of all sad words of
tongue or pen,” he says that all the words which are spoken, which are some in the form of
poems are written as wise thoughts, “The saddest are these:” whatever is said or whatever is
written, he says the saddest words are these what are they, ‘It might have been!’ meaning: I
could have done this, it might have been.
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So, it was possible, I could have tried I didn’t do, that sense of regret I could have done but I
didn’t do. So, try something that you will always remember that you tried doing and then try to
succeed in life, never have this sense of regret that you should have tried but you didn’t do. So,
all the suggestions, all the tips which are given in this course will happen, will materialize only if
you are willing to work it out. You should not later feel that oh! so much I did for the course, but
I should have done that, I should have tried it, so if only I did that, I would have got this . So
don’t give that kind of regret, don’t let that come into your life, so gain this happiness just by
living both in terms of keeping some sense of lack, but on the other hand, trying to try out
something which you have not tried so far and having a feeling that I tried, so I’m happy. It is a
different game whether you succeed in that or not and these are the two books which I mentioned
in the previous one also.
Try to get them, improve your memory and then try to know more about your mind power and
try to improve that also. I hope with these ones, you will be able to develop your mind, your
memory and then enhance your Soft Skills, as well as achieve whatever you want in this life.
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Without this sense of regret, wish you all success and thank you for watching this video! Have a
nice day! Thanks again.
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Course Title
Lecture - 40
Care for Environment
by…
Hello, Hai! Welcome back to NPTEL’s MOCC’s course on Enhancing Soft Skills and
Personality.
I am Ravichandran from the Department of Humanities and Social Sciences, IIT Kanpur. I have
been giving this course to you for the past eight weeks. This is the last week, last unit and the last
lesson, that is lesson number 40, and very appropriately I want to conclude this entire course
with Care for Environment. Now before we actually try to understand, why should we really care
for the environment and what we can do about it.
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Let us take a quick look at what I did in the previous lesson, highlights of the last lesson.
In the last one, you learnt how to improve your memory and train it for remembering names and
faces. Although remembering names and faces is a likeable trait, people suffer from poor
memory owing to lack of sleep and inadequate diet. So, to remember names, you should pay
attention to a name when you first hear it. Seek clarifications regarding the spelling, the
pronunciation, and meaning of the name. Use it thrice, so when you use it three times in the same
day during a party at three different meeting points, you will not forget the name at all. And the
best way to remember names and faces is to associate the name to the face which can be done in
two ways: One, by making the name mean something this becomes easy in situations where the
names themselves mean something.
And the second one by tying the name to the face, okay. Now examples like, a name like
Chandini can be associated with moon immediately, while for a name like Stapleton it is very
difficult to get an appropriate image. So, what you can do is, you can separate, so then you
identify Staple and ton and then you have to imagine so many staples that weigh a ton. And to tie
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the name to the face, you should associate an image or a distinctive feature of the person with the
name. So, let us say Surya of Sun God, so the color of Sun is gold, so if you remember Surya
wearing a gold-tinted spectacles, so you will be able to remember the name as and when you
remember gold-tinted spectacles.
And for remembering things in day-to-day life you should make use of memory aids as notice
boards, lists, applications, which can be used in mobiles and all that. So that you note down as
and when it comes to your mind and then strike the items completed as and when you complete it
and always try to keep this list, okay, wherever you are, either in your pocket or in your mobile,
or in your handbag, or in your suitcase so that you can refer to them frequently and do not miss a
single item thinking that your memory is superior and then you will never forget things is a every
human mistake and normally we think like that. But then even very great people known for their
wonderful memory, forget very small things. So, it is important to note down these things, so that
you don’t forget, and apart from that I said that you need to train your memory and you can do
that by playing games or practice activities that we utilize your memory such as solving puzzles,
playing chess and learning a new language, keep the mind active. By organizing your mind and
memory, you will gain control of your life and become more efficient.
Now, hoping that you will use these ones and make your life and career more efficient, the
concluding thought of this course is to make our environment safe and sustainable. So, in order
to do that, first we need to know what is it that our living environment needs to be done from our
side as human beings. What is environment? While, well, environment refers to our surrounding
conditions, so it could be natural or man-made generally refers to surrounding conditions. It
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refers to the area, the place in which we live, it includes the natural life on earth and the global
ecosystem. So, environment is not something that is only related to the individual, but it includes
all the natural life on earth as well as the global ecosystem. However, human beings, owing to
their egoistic tendencies seek possession of everything surrounding them. So, whatever is before
them, if they can occupy, they occupy that. Take for instance, a truck driver who assumes that
while driving he owns the front area of his truck, it is believed that up to 10 to 20 feet he thinks
that he is owning in his mind, in his psychological thinking. So that is the reason why he gets
annoyed when anybody crosses that space. And he even feels that he has a kind of right to hit the
person who crosses without taking his permission or darting across so quickly. So that kind of
aggressive thinking comes in the mind; that is because of the human beings’ egoistic tendency.
Just like the truck driver, normal human beings also believe and behave in such a manner as if
whatever space around them is for them to utilize and it is meant for them to enjoy. And they
have the right to destroy and they can utilize whatever is there, the human food items, as well as
the animals and birds which are also there.
So, man thinks that he can use everything, and all are at his disposal. Now what human beings
have done, in general, in this way, they have disturbed and destroyed global ecosystem by
expanding their living spaces through urbanization and modernization. So, the simple thing like
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many dams and roads are constructed at the cost of clearing forests and destroying the habitat of
many birds and animals. Let us for a while look at the Artificial versus Natural debate:
As we destroy nature for our materialistic gains, we move away from nature and start living an
artificial life. In an artificial life, everything is fake but still we pretend that things are real, and
we try to live a false life. We need to realise that the essential things for our survival come from
nature and they are free. So, we depend so much on artificial things, but if you look at the
essential things in life, they are actually free, and we get everything from nature.
Our living space is actually given to us by nature. Initially it was free, but now we are buying
using money for buying and then using power to possess it. But generally, it is something that is
being given to us by nature. The air we breathe by which we survive, the water we drink, and the
energy we get from Sun and the food we eat. So, they are all freely given to us by nature. But
then today we are making them as commodities and then we are selling water, we are selling air
also, okay. But they are very essential for our happy, healthy and harmonious living if only we
do not make them commercialized highly and then if you are able to use them in the free and
natural forms. And when we live in artificial life, everything has to be done in great hurry and
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everybody lives under enormous pressure to achieve more in less time and for getting maximum
benefit by doing minimum work. Now in order to avoid this hurry, you need to live a life that is
very close to nature, but however we are moving far away from nature and we are inventing
things thinking that they will save our time.
Look at internet, mobile, e-mail, SMS, chat, etc. We thought that by inventing these things we
will be able to save so much time. But in the name of saving time, these devices they hijack our
time and always keep us running short of time, but if you look at nature, nature does not hurry to
do anything, but everything happens in nature in time. By living in harmony with the
surrounding, man can gain everything.
However, man’s arrogance and sense of entitlement, which is called as “anthropocentric” or

man-centred nature, has being harming the environment. Earth if you look at it, is the only place
where humans can survive. But as if to set fire on one’s own house, man’s indiscriminate use of
natural resources is leading to depletion of significant ones such as fossil fuels, drinking water,
and oxygen.
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Now when we are depleting these resources and making increased use particularly of fossil fuels,
what is happening is that, we are also emitting carbon dioxide or CO2 and cause this so-called
greenhouse effect that traps heat on earth and causes increase in the temperature. This again
leads to Global Warming and Global Warming can cause floods and Tsunamis by making
glaciers melt. There could be drought in one part of the Earth and flood on the other.
Sea level increase is another consequence and that can submerged cities near coastal areas,
islands can go without any trace; and once sea level will rise and slowly it will immerse all the
land nearby so the land will become very scarce and people in the name of country they will
soon forget that which country they belong to, because these boundaries between one country
and another country will be blurred by water literally and figuratively.
And boundaries between countries will blur going to particularly climate change disasters, many
human beings will become climate refugees, because they lost their home, their nationality, their
country because of climate change disaster. And they will move to dry areas for food and they
will fight for food and other scarce resources. There are so many climate change films and some
of the films like Day After Tomorrow, Water World, Mad Max: Fury Road, which is the recent
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one, they all picturise dystopian worlds. So, dystopian is a very negative world, very gloomy and
depressive world where the excess as well as the lack of water become crucial in controlling and
governing the lives of people who have become nomads, nomads are like gypsies no one place,
no one fixed house to live in. So, they have to move okay, and depending on the nature that is
chasing them in the form of one calamity after another. So, they have to find a place, so today
they are in one place, flood comes and occupies that place they have to move to the nearby place
where they can live. And while moving they will lose some of their near and dear ones. So, life is
likely to go by this kind of nomadic tendency and a compelled kind of nomadic life which these
movies try to depict. There are other movies like slightly old one like Soylent Green.
And a recent one like, Snowpiercer where they try to deal with the food crisis which are brought
actually by climate change. And how do they try to deal with the food crisis, and they show in
Soylent Green, people are so fond of eating one Soylent Green, but they realize that it is actually
made out of recycling dead human bodies. Whereas, in Snowpiercer again they are given some
kind of protein bars which are actually made of cockroaches and other insects.
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There is another climate fiction by name Polar City Red. Now in this novel, it shows people
living a nomad like existence, they hunt for their food like they go back to the old times and they
start hunting for the food and they share resources including the female womb. Women, who are
less in number in the novel are given security only if they are willing to participate in the
procreation lottery in which one woman has to live with six men periodically.
Now these issues are raised. Will you be happy with this? Will you be happy to eat this kind of
food made out of human bodies or cockroaches? Will you be able to let your wife share this kind
of biological space with other men? So, these are issues, these novels are rising unless we are
going to do something about climate change now. It also rises points related to climate change
disasters and says that it will affect the women, the children, and the marginal the most.
And the interesting point that it makes is that, the politicians and the rich will find means to
survive even by making tunnels under the earth. So, they planned long before and they are
making tunnels and they learn how to move with latest equipment, and they live under the earth
and they try to control people who are living above. Now when you read these novels, watch
these movies, although these novels and movies appear to be scary, they are called as Cli-fi and
Cli-flicks the climate fiction and climate films.
They try to give us a jolt, they just want us to shake us from our deep sleep, they just give us a
jolt to our indifferent and complacent approach towards caring for our environment. Now when
these things are trying to give us the jolt, won’t we wake up and should we not start caring for
our environment. And if you let this global calamity happen you should realize that human
beings maybe wiped out without a trace.
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Any global disaster that is induced because of climate change can wipe out human beings
without any trace. No species of human beings will survive. What will survive is, only some
creepers, insects such as cockroaches. So, they will be able to survive and if you look at the
lifespan of human beings in general, human beings arrived late to the planet Earth and will leave
it very soon. However, in order to prolong the life of human beings as species on this Earth we
need to help the environment by being mindful, respectful and careful and making gently use of
it. We should learn how to keep these resources sustainable, how we can use renewable
resources and instead of exploiting and depleting the scarce resources that we have.
Now how is this related to soft skills and your personality? In the time to come, a person’s ability
to care for the environment will become a crucial soft skill and an integral part of a very
developed personality. So many people particularly, somebody like Al Gore, who was given the
Nobel Prize, because he advocated the cause for climate change, he brought it to the foreground,
and then he is even now trying to create this kind of awareness and you should realize that, that
becomes an integral part of a personality and then people will try to see what is your position. So
are you an activist, or are you an in activist, or are you skeptical or are you skeptical with some
kind of hidden agenda. So, all these things are going to typify your personality, and this is a soft
skill that when you are able to negotiate with individual to individual level.
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And when you are able to negotiate with the society as an individual, you should also learn to
negotiate in a very harmonious manner with the environment. So that will show you as a fully
developed personality, so that is why I am going to give you some simple tips, simple steps for
caring for our environment and try to start caring for the environment by using these tips as
quick as possible.
So, there is no day is better day then this day and this moment. Now in general on the top for
caring for the environment, the tip I would like to give is that, avoid any wastage. Do not waste
anything.
Because to create one resource it takes so much of time, since the resources are scarce whether it
is food or water, do not waste. You may be very rich, so you have lot of materials at your
disposal, but you cannot just throw them out and then waste them just because you have money
at your disposal to buy them. The reason why you cannot waste them is that, you have no right to
misuse or waste resource created by somebody else on your behalf.
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So that is why, do not waste anything and the second important thing is recycle waste as much as
possible, try to recycle, try to reuse, do not waste. The most important thing is, conserving water:
Drinking water, as well as normal water, so you should use it to the minimum required quantity.
While brushing teeth, so running the tap while brushing teeth, consumes two to three liters just
like that. But actually, you need only 100 ml or 50 ml to wash the brush and little bit for just
washing your mouth. So, washing fruits, etc., just running the tap on and then washing, washing
vegetables. Now you need to tap off, turn off the tap the moment cleaning is done. In a similar
manner, you need to conserve electricity, because we need so much of energy to produce
electricity, so do not waste that.
Turn off the light, the fan, the AC, the TV, the laptop, or anything that makes use of electricity
when it is not in use. And generally, try to avoid AC and as much as possible try to avoid using
air conditioners, but when in use close the door, so that you will not let the cool air escape.
And the other important thing that climate change activists try to advocate is that, they say that
you should avoid travel by flight, because they say that you can prevent enormous fossil fuel
consumption and the suggested, recommended travel mode is train, they say that it uses less and
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if possible. But more than that you should use car pool okay, which means that you take lift, or
you share space with someone or you let someone’s use the space in your car.
So, share the space in cars, do not use it only for an individual. And if possible, use public
transport that again consumes less fossil fuel. So, by that you can save lot of CO2 consumption.
Use bicycle or simply walk, so if it is possible if you can even avoid going by public transport
and using cycle by that way you will become eco-friendly and healthy and if you are inside
corporate offices, tall buildings do not use lifts, walk up the stairs, again you will be healthy and
you will be eco-friendly also.
And the most important of all avoid use of plastic. So, plastic is a non biodegradable material
and since it does not decompose, leaving it on soil it can harm growing plants or any biological
organism. Throwing them in rivers can block the flow and eventually make them stagnant. So,
we have heard that so many pools and lakes and rivers getting stagnant and they are not able to
move, they feel choked and then they die, so rivers die, just because of plastics. So, it is very
important that you should stop using them and there are already cities, they have stopped using
or they are preventing the use of them by increasing the price of plastic bags and all that.
So, avoid pesticides by cultivating your own kitchen garden.
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Whatever is possible if you can cultivate even if you are not living on a ground floor you can
have your own terrace garden and grow your own food that tastes much better and it is organic,
and it is without pesticides. So, it is healthy, and you live longer. The next important thing is you
need to sensitize your children. Take your children to natural surroundings and make them
experience the joy of being in green, clean, and pure environment than just getting bogged down
in video games on their computers or mobiles.
So, take them outdoor, make them experience and that experiential learning will actually change
them and many children after getting exposed to pure natural environment have gone into
volunteering services such as cleaning the parks, okay, keeping the environment clean in general.
So, they actively participate in that, but the motivation has come from just making them
experientially feel this significance of pure environment.
And when you are buying something and if it comes in some jars or containers, reuse jars and
containers instead of throwing them in dust bins. And use solar power instead of going for
electricity as far as possible and if there is solar powered charges, solar powered lanterns you can
use them. Use your bags for shopping instead of going and then getting plastic bags in the malls
and paying for them.
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So, take your bags with you, so avoid spending money on unnecessary plastic bags, but at the
same time make it a principle to carry your own bags for shopping. And in terms of printing, so
minimize printing and paper use, so try to use as far as possible soft copies. So, if you are in a
meeting so use your laptop and a projector and then you can show everything on a screen instead
of giving 40 printouts of 50-page materials which can be just shown on the screen with good
projection and everybody can see and then comment on that.
So, wherever you can avoid making use of paper and printing, because you get paper from trees
and then if you can save, so this paper usage so that is also making the environment very healthy.
And in terms of using bulbs, use energy efficient bulbs, so wherever you can use this LED so
you can use and generally you when you see that instead of using high watt bulb, if you can use a
low watt one in that small space, so try to do that. And avoid buying ‘use and throw’ products, so
that is sometimes nowadays so many things have become use and throw you can use it only once
and if it goes on repair you have to throw it.
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So, don’t buy such products try to buy something which are repairable and try to fix things
before buying new ones and many things are actually repairable. And the next important thing is,
plant trees whenever and wherever it is possible and how many it is possible try to do that, take
care of them pour water regularly. And then it gives a very good and satisfied feeling. And the
next one for environment is keep water for birds, because birds look for water particularly in
summer and then when they are not able to quench the thirst some birds even die, because of the
scorching Sun and heat. And you should also keep food for birds regularly.
Now, towards the conclusion I would like to tell you that being considerate to the environment it
is the best way to teach your children to save the planet from deterioration. So, when you set
examples, the children will look up to you and then they will internalize, and then they will start
caring for the environment and start living in a very safe and secured future and make this planet
very sustainable.
Overall, what is expected is that you should change your anthropocentric mindset.
Anthropocentric mindset is human-centered mind-set that I am first, the birds and animals and all
trees, the flora and fauna they are here for me. So, I can do anything, they are at my mercy, they
are at my beck and call I can do anything. Instead of that, take this eco-centric or biocentric
mindset. What is eco-centric or bio-centric mind-set? It suggests that you are part and parcel of
nature and you have right, nobody denies that, but in the same way an amoeba, an ant, a small
creature has equal right, just because you are a man so big in size doesn’t mean that something
that is so small, tiny and negligible in size does not have any right. And in fact, you have no right
to kill or harm any other living organism on this planet you have no right and it is a right that you
are aggressively, violently, taking it for yourself.
But it is actually causing environmental injustice. So be fair to the environment, try to have this
bio-centric mind-set where you start respecting other non-human creatures that is birds, trees,
animals and then you give them equal importance, you treat them as your peer and there are
some people who even keep them one step ahead and they even feel that okay I am very humbled
before you. So, you are even better than me, so I should treat you with utmost respect. So, when
you change to this mind-set so automatically will be able to care for the environment. Let us look
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at two interesting quotes from two eminent people in terms of environment and living
harmoniously with nature.
One is from Mahatma Gandhi, he says: “Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s needs, but
not every man’s greed.” So, if you can make limited use of the resources which earth provides
us, to satisfy our need all of us will have in plenty, but if somebody is greedy and wants to
exploit nature, use the environment as much as possible, then all of us will not have enough so
that is what he is suggesting.
The next one from Gary Snyder is also very interesting and is with a very powerful message. He
says: “Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.” So, it is not something that you go out and see
during a picnic, but it is our surrounding, it is our home. So we have to take good care, so you
sometimes go to a picnic and then let us say you are in a park and then you throw the drink that
you had, the can that carried the drink, and then you throw that, throw all trash, but he says that
you cannot do that because this is your home, and you are surrounded by that, and you are living
amidst that surrounding, that environment.
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So, keep that in mind, so with this I hope I will try to be somewhat instrumental in changing your
anthropocentric thinking to eco-centric or bio-centric and start doing your bit, whatever you can
do. So that also will change your personality, so remember like to be humorous and light-hearted
one of the tips given was that, you should try to interact with this pet animals and then natural
creatures as much as possible.
Because you will see that they are joyful in nature, so you cannot make them feel depressed and
that joy and radiance will come to you and will make you feel light-hearted. There are people
who go to plants, they watch them every day because there are people who talk to plants,
because they feel that they are like their children and then they breathe and they like human
beings going and talking to them. And then they feel fresh, they invite people, they welcome
them when you go, and then when you don’t go so, they look somewhat sagged in energy and
then they feel that they are missing you and people say that and people even experience this kind
of thing even with nature. So being with that is a kind of symbiotic relationship on the one hand
you are trying to make them live happily.
And then they will also keep you in a very happy and healthy condition. So, with this thought, let
me conclude this with another interesting suggestion to you to watch these videos.
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So, I have given some names of movies which if you are interested you can watch in the lecture
itself. And one climate fiction that I mentioned that is Polar City Red, but apart from that if you
want to know more about climate change what is it and what you can do about it. So, watch these
three videos. The first one is little bit longer, it tells about all issues related to that. The next two
are very short, if you cannot watch the first one, try to watch the next two—Climate Change
Explained and What You Can Do About Climate Change. It is hardly about five minutes, you can
take a quick look, of course I have given the essence of these ones, but when you watch them on
videos it is more impactful and more attractive and you will keep remembering them easily. So,
it is worth watching, so that is why I said that it is must watch videos.
And now as we have concluded the course, so we will be looking forward towards your
feedback, we welcome your feedback on the course.
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Anything about the course, the course contents, the way it was delivered to you, the course
contents, any suggestions for further improvement, the course instructor that is me and how I
delivered the lectures, where they effective and anything you want to say about this, you can
share it. And then if you have some suggestion for a new course and that you look forward to, so
then also you can write to me you can write to the email ID I have given trc@iitk.ac.in.
Now based on the feedback from some of the course participants who liked the previous course,
as well as some of the lectures given in this one on English Skills. So, the suggestion given was
that, why don’t I give a full-fledged course on English Skills. So, I invite you to my next course
so it may start in July or in January depending on our preparedness, but then you are all the time
invited, all those who have been doing this course and some of you, the majority of you are
continuing from my previous course.
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So, all the participants you are invited to the next course that will be on Essential English for
Life and Career. So, with this, I thank you and I leave this with a note of overwhelming thought
that you have been with me now for the 40 lectures about 8 weeks, but it is like a very long
journey. But it just went like as if I just started recording the first lecture yesterday and then it’s
just completing now. I didn’t know how time went, time is really a relative, but then I hope that
these materials have been really beneficial to you and then had some impact on you, and you are
able to use them in your life journey and make your life a very happy, healthy, and a harmonious
one. Wish you success in whatever endeavor that you take in your life, wish you happiness and
peace also! Thank you so much, thanks again!
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Enhancing: Soft Skills

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E N H A N C I N G

National Programme on Technology Enhanced Learning (NPTEL)

Hello everyone! Welcome to my course on Enhancing Soft Skills and Personality.

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Now in the second lecture, I actually focused on human perceptions.

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Now, in the next lecture, that is lecture 17—

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National Programme on Technology Enhanced Learning (NPTEL)

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Communication, however, is a complex interactive process involving shared assumptions and

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In the next lecture, I again focused particularly on miscommunication. Miscommunication

We looked at some very interesting illustrative example for—Message Distortion in Downward

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In 45th lecture, on the week 8th, module 3.

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Nation Programme on Technology Enhanced Learning (NPTEL)

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How do you identify certain types of mindset?

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