ISSUE 85

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING £5.99

Loud A step in
DISCOVER

proud the right

There’s no age limit
on letting your direction
true self shine Why is walk and talk
therapy so powerful?

Repeat
after me
The surprising
habit that could be
Vulnerability
soothing your anxiety masterclass
How to bare your soul
without fear of rejection
holding you back

GOOD NEWS | TREAT CULTURE | THREAT MODE | NAIL BITING | GUA SHA ROUTINES
“Nature is the purest
portal to inner peace
ANGIE WEILAND CROSBY

Photograph | Josh Hild

 Authenticity
guaranteed
‘He wears his heart on his sleeve.’
‘They’re so in touch with their emotions.’
‘She’s an open book.’ The way we
perceive vulnerability in others is often
with awe and admiration, appreciating
their ability to put their true selves in the
spotlight.
And yet, our vocabulary becomes vastly
different when it comes to baring our
own souls. We ‘feel exposed’, ‘caught off
guard’, like we’re ‘laying it all on the line’.
It’s a common theme in life that so
many qualities we value and applaud
in others, we can’t see in ourselves. It’s
like we’re looking in a funhouse mirror,
reflecting back a distorted version of
reality that fills us with shame, regret,
and fear.
We tie ourselves up in knots, with the
threads of all these impossible and
contradictory standards. When, in reality,
a little self-compassion and awareness
could unearth endless possibilities.
We delve into this very concept in our
article on p73, exploring why we judge
ourselves so harshly, and highlighting
the ways we can be more accepting
of vulnerability, as well as revealing the
value that learning to embrace it can
bring into our lives and relationships.
Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge
And in the spirit of opening up, our
wonderful writer Fiona brings personal
insight into her feature on why it’s never
too late to be LGBTQIA+, and how to
navigate the journey of letting your
authentic self shine (p34).
An effective tool to help you do this can
be found on p38, as we reveal how found
art can teach us to let go of limitations
and expectations. That there is no
‘perfect’ way to express yourself.
And our columnist Michelle discusses
the difference between setting
boundaries and building walls (p32), to
help us recognise where we’re pushing
people away under the pretence of self-
preservation.
Raw honesty, whether it’s about your
feelings, needs, desires, or self, can be
intimidating. But, throughout this issue,
I hope you find inspiration and courage
At Happiful, inclusivity,
to know that doing so can reap untold
representation, and creating
rewards.
a happier, healthier society
are at the forefront of
When and how you choose to lay your
our mission. To find out
cards on the table is in your hands, but
more about our social and
just know that unravelling the mystery of
environmental pledges,
you is a worthwhile pursuit, and one that
visit happiful.com/pledges
most certainly should be celebrated.
Happy reading,
W | happiful.com
F | happifulhq
X | @happifulhq
REBECCA THAIR |
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF I | @happiful_magazine
Fresh thinking
12 It cannot be helped
What can we learn from the Japanese
concept of ‘shikata ga nai’?

15 Narcissism: a fresh take

An expert explores why we should be
cautious around diagnostic labels

22 Living in a daydream
We investigate why this seemingly
harmless activity is being hotly researched

26 Can you repeat that?

How repetition can soothe anxiety

34 Coming out later on

It’s never too late to go on a personal
journey of self-discovery

46 One step at a time

How the simple act of walking can

46
have a deeply healing effect

Wellbeing
29 The reality of psychosis

50 The commuter club Food & health

Tips for turning your commute into an 61 Enter the blue zone
opportunity to care for your wellbeing Recipes for longer life

66 High alert 70 Perfect pizzas

What does entering ‘threat mode’ Nourish your body and soul
look like, and why does it happen?

76 A pillar of support
Ways to be there for a friend with
Try this at home
an eating disorder 21 Conversation starters

78 Your gua sha routine 49 Affirmations for tough days

64
80 Doing it for yourself 60 Your signs of progress
Tips for protecting your mental
health while self-employed 69 Puzzling fun
 Culture
7 Good news
11 The wellbeing wrap
37 Put these on your to-read list
58 Set yourself a challenge
18 Relationships
32 What’s a healthy boundary?
Michelle Elman on setting boundaries
versus building walls
43 Say ‘I don’t’ to wedding stress
Six steps for keeping overwhelm at bay
53 What is parentification?
And what is the impact on children?
64 Staying well while dating
30
Learn to take care of your mental
53
health while on the dating scene
73 Facing up to vulnerability
Why do we react better to other
people’s vulnerability than our own?
Positive pointers
18 Stay off the grass
30 Because you deserve it
Small treats can have big impacts
38 Finding creativity
Put the fun back into art
40 Nailin’ it
How to stop biting your nails
30
83 Process your emotions
With our guided journalling pages
22
*
Expert
review
Every issue of Happiful is
reviewed by an accredited
counsellor, to ensure we
deliver the highest quality
content while handling
topics sensitively.
To make ourselves
vulnerable can be very
emotionally challenging. It
takes us out of a place of
comfort and introduces risk
into how we feel, which can
lead to feeling unsafe. Head
over to p73 to explore how
you can work with your own
vulnerability in relationships.
Society places a weakness
on showing our vulnerability
to others, however, to be
vulnerable and maintain
a sense of self is a true
strength. It opens the door
to our internal world and
provides great potential for
personal growth.
RAV SEKHON
BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor and
psychotherapist with
more than 10 years'
experience.
 Happiful Community
Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and
insight throughout this issue
MORAG STEVENSON
BA (Hons) Dip CBH
Morag is a cognitive behavioural
hypnotherapist with an interest in
body-focused repetitive disorders.
LORRAINE COLLINS
BSc MSc MBACP
Lorraine is a counsellor,
psychotherapist, and cognitive
behavioural therapist.
Our team
EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief
Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor
Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer
Michelle Elman, Nikita Thakrar | Columnists
Ellen Lees | Head of Content
Adam Newey | Sub-Editor
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

NICK ROTHENGATTER VJ HAMILTON ART & DESIGN

BSc MSc BSc DipION mBANT
Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing
Nick is a coach and ACT VJ is a nutritionist and
Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead
practitioner. autoimmune expert.
Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator
LEAH O’SHAUGHNESSY KATIE SCHOFIELD
BA (Hons) MA MBACP (Accred) BSc (Hons) Cert PGDip MA MBACP
CONTRIBUTORS
Leah is a counselling Katie is a counsellor whose Fiona Fletcher Reid, Caroline Butterwick,
psychotherapist and interest is working with Jenna Farmer, Elizabeth Bennett, Victoria Stokes,
supervisor. difference and diversity. Jessica Andersson, Katie Scott, Morag Stevenson

SPECIAL THANKS
Nick Rothengatter, Hannah Beckett-Pratt,
Leah O’Shaughnessy, Katie Schofield,
Morag Stevenson, Jacqui Parkin, Justine Sheedly,
HANNAH JACQUI PARKIN Lorraine Collins, Tina Chummun, Nigel Moyse,
BECKETT-PRATT BSc (Hons) Cert PGDip MA MBACP
VJ Hamilton, Keith Howitt
BSc FdA MBACP Jacqui is a counsellor, clinical
Hannah is a relational supervisor and workshop MANAGEMENT
transactional analysis counsellor. facilitator. Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder
Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS
JUSTINE SHEEDLY GEORGINA STURMER For new orders and back orders, visit
MSc LI CBT MBACP PGDip BA (Hons) MBACP shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on
Justine is a psychotherapist Georgina is an integrative +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email
subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk
with a special interest in counsellor helping clients
generational trauma. create a more confident life.
CONTACT
Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B,
Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL
Email us at hello@happiful.com
TINA CHUMMUN NIGEL MOYSE
MSc UKCP BA BSc MSc PGDip MBACP HAPPIFUL FAMILY
Tina is an accredited Nigel is an accredited Helping you find the help you need.
psychotherapist and trauma counsellor, life coach, and Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory,
specialist. part-time chess coach. Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource,
Therapy Directory

JESSICA ANDERSSON NIKITA THAKRAR

BSc (Hons) mBANT CNHC NLP

Jessica is a nutritional therapist, Nikita is a multifaceted teacher,

chef, food entrepreneur, and mentor and coach supporting
health coach. people to find their life purpose CBP006075
The Uplift
WILDLIFE

Your next
hobby: counting
butterflies
reduces anxiety
Butterflies are often used as
symbols of hope and personal
growth, but new research
suggests that there could also be
tangible benefits to watching out
for these beautiful creatures.
In research published by
wildlife charity Butterfly
Conservation, in collaboration
with the University of Derby,
a study involving people who
had taken part in Butterfly
Conservation’s Big Butterfly
Count in 2022 found that tuning-
in to nature to count butterflies
reduced anxiety by 9% on this study is the first to prove important data on how butterflies
average. that the simple act of looking are faring to inform our
What the researchers observed for and counting butterflies conservation work.”
was that even short periods of leads to a measurable decrease You will start to see butterflies
time spent watching butterflies in anxiety,” says Dr Richard from April through to autumn,
increased the participants’ sense Fox, head of science at Butterfly and so now’s the time to begin
of connectedness to nature, with Conservation. enjoying this mindful – and
evidence that just 15 minutes was “The results suggest that citizen environmentally significant –
enough to feel this effect. science projects such as the Big practice. To find out more about
“While we have long known Butterfly Count can play a part this year’s Big Butterfly Count,
that there is a link between in improving people’s mental visit butterfly-conservation.org
nature and human wellbeing, health, as well as gathering Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 7
8 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
MEN’S HEALTH

Homebuilding
chief encourages
men to talk about
mental health
According to the latest figures from the
Office for National Statistics (ONS), there
are more than 500 recorded suicides
within the construction industry each
year – making it three times higher than
the national average.
To help reduce high rates of suicide
within the construction industry, Nicky
Gordon, Chief Executive of Genesis
Homes, is encouraging more men to talk
about mental health and, along with its
sister company Russell Armer Homes,
has chosen to support ANDYSMANCLUB
as their charity of the year.
“It is heartbreaking to read the stats
about the high level of suicides in
construction,” says Nicky Gordon. “There
has always been a stigma around men
showing emotion, talking about their
mental health, and letting others know
they’re struggling as if it is some sort of
weakness. What ANDYSMANCLUB does
is let men know that it’s not a sign of
weakness. It is OK to talk and share your
feelings.”
ANDYSMANCLUB offers weekly free-
to-attend, peer-to-peer support groups
across the UK, in-person and online. A
suicide prevention charity with more
than 150 locations, it aims to end the
stigma surrounding men’s mental health,
helping men through the power of
conversation.
Talking can help us release pent-up
emotions, connect, and find solutions
together. Find out more and get the
conversation started at
andysmanclub.co.uk
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 9
 HAPPINESS
New study debunks the assumption
that money is the key to happiness
It’s often assumed that money is
the ticket to happiness, but a new
study is challenging this notion
by suggesting that the richness of
life can be found beyond material
wealth.
While previous research suggests
that people in high-income
countries report being more
satisfied with their lives than those
in low-income countries, they
mainly focus on industrialised
societies, such as the UK, and
overlook those in small-scale
societies where monetary value is
less significant.
To bridge this gap, a study
published in the Proceedings of
the National Academy of Sciences
RESEARCH
£4.3 million to project on
understanding severe mental illness
In a move that’s set to make
a significant impact on our
understanding of severe mental
illness, the charity Bipolar UK has
joined a new £4.3 million mental
health research hub, which aims
to advance understanding around
the diagnosis and treatment of
severe mental illness.
The South Wales and South-West
England (SW²) Hub plans to bring
together an interdisciplinary
network of leading researchers
from Cardiff, Bath, Bristol, Exeter,
10 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
surveyed 2,966 people from
19 different countries on how
satisfied they felt with their lives.
Those surveyed were people living
in non-mainstream societies, many
of whom identify as indigenous.
Interestingly, out of the households
that had been surveyed, only 64%
reported having any cash income.
The findings revealed that many
societies with very low incomes
still exhibit high levels of life
satisfaction, with scores similar
to those in wealthy countries. The
average score was 6.8 out of 10,
with some sites reporting average
scores higher than eight. Although
it’s unclear why this is, previous
studies indicate that family,
and Swansea universities, as well as
Adferiad Recovery, Bipolar UK, and
people with lived experience.
While the hub will research a range
of severe mental illnesses, the move
is particularly welcomed by Bipolar
UK. In findings shared by the charity
in The Bipolar Commission report,
researchers saw that more than
one million people live with bipolar
in the UK, and yet it’s thought that
fewer than half are diagnosed.
“The Bipolar Commission, which
we’ve presented to the government,
social support, spirituality, and
connections to the natural world
could all have a part to play.
Although there are unavoidably
important differences between the
society we live in in the UK and
those in the study, if we can take
away one thing from this research,
it’s that we could benefit from re-
evaluating our relationship with
materialistic things, and prioritise
the aspects of our lives that truly
bring us happiness.
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
paints a shocking picture for the
bipolar community, with nearly a
whole decade of diagnosis delays,
and care pathways that routinely
aren’t fit for purpose,” says Simon
Kitchen, Bipolar UK CEO. “It is
collaborative research projects
like SW² that allow us to combine
our knowledge and data with
others to help bring about real
change – something the bipolar
community in the UK desperately
needs.”
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
 The
wellbeing
wrap
REPRESENTATION MATTERS
Acknowledging the disparity
between pages for men and women
on the site Wikipedia, Lucy Moore, a
UK-based Wikipedia editor, made it
her mission to add at least one page
New Zealand for a woman from every country
has announced a in the world. Her 532 entries
ban on ‘forever share women doing incredible
chemicals’ in things, including Chinese activist
cosmetics, set to
be implemented and teacher Liang Jun, Nauruan
from 2026 weightlifter Maximina Uepa, and
Fijian Paralympian Sainimili Naivalu.
An investment in the future
In an extraordinary act of kindness, 93-year-old Dr Ruth
Gottesman donated $1 billion to the Albert Einstein
College of Medicine, in the Bronx, New York, to be
used to cover the tuition fees for all students going
forwards. As a former professor at the college, Dr
Gottesman is all too aware of the financial burden for
newly qualified doctors in the US, who typically leave
medical school with $200,000 of debt. This gesture
will not only ease financial pressures on students, but
will make the school more accessible, too.

Out of this world action A spoonful of ideas

A US-based nonprofit, the Environmental Defense A 17-year-old from India has
Fund (EDF), has partnered with Google in order to track developed a battery-operated
methane emissions from space, and map this using spoon that can stabilise itself
A temporary against the tremors associated
Google’s AI to various oil and gas pollution sources on
LEGO florist with Parkinson’s. Aarrav Anil
Earth. EDF is launching its own satellite for the task, with
landed in created the tool in order to help
London the hopes that the information gathered can build a
his uncle, who has the disease,
when LEGO better picture of emissions hotspots in order to address
eat more comfortably. While
transformed its them – which is vital since methane is estimated to be similar products do exist, Aarrav’s
Battersea Power responsible for 30% of global warming.
Station store creation is believed to be much
more affordable (potentially 50%
Good news for animal British Antarctic Survey (BAS) of the cost), making it a potential
conservation! A study has donated six boxes of clothing game-changer for hospitals, as
in Science Advances suitable for extreme environments well as the estimated 7 million
reports that African to homeless charity, Wintercomfort. people in India with Parkinson’s.
elephant populations
have stabalised, growing In a world-first, 13-year-old Lucas Jemeljanova, from Belgium,
79-year-old has been cured of an aggressive form of brain cancer, which is
Luisa Yu recently 0.16% a year for the
achieved her past 25 years. While this considered terminal. In a clinical trial, Lucas was randomly assigned
dream of is encouraging, some a drug usually used to treat other forms of cancer – which he
travelling to areas still had severe responded well to – and now, seven years later, is still cancer-free.
every UN nation decline due to poaching, He’s been in remission for five years, and the only member of the
– 193 countries showing how vital it is trial to see the tumour completely vanish, while several others
total! haven’t relapsed in over three years. Hopefully this could
to continue efforts to
protect these animals. be the start of saving more lives in future.
SIBLING RIVALRY
NOTIFICATIONS OFF Family feuds might prove
Australia is introducing a ‘right to disconnect’ challenging for parents to
law, allowing employees to ignore and not navigate, but new info from the
respond to messages from their boss outside of University of Cambridge’s Centre for
Community-
owned pubs working hours, without receiving any penalties Family Research could offer comfort.
have increased – however, bosses could face criminal action if they The study found that sibling squabbles
67% in the past continue to break the rules on off-the-clock contact. The
can actually increase social skills,
five years in the new law looks to address unpaid overtime, and protect
UK, helping to vocabulary, and development,
the work-life balance and mental wellbeing of employees –
save them from while also encouraging a
something other countries might want to take note of!
closure competitive spirit.
 What can we learn from the
‘shikata ga nai’ culture?
Could adopting the ability to let things go
help us navigate life’s challenges?
W
e live in a culture
where being a ‘go-
getter’ is a highly
valuable quality. Bouncing
back and getting up to face the
challenge again is what success
looks like, right?
In Japanese society, the adjacent
philosophy of ‘gaman’ is a Zen
Buddhist term, which refers to
the quality of enduring what
appears to be unbearable with
dignity, grace, and self-restraint.
It’s not a goal-oriented approach,
but instead a steady reaction to
hardship. Following the Tōhoku
earthquake and tsunami in
2011, the ‘gaman spirit’ is often
credited for the lack of looting,
collaboration, and resiliency
following the disaster. Tied up in
this culture is a common phrase:
‘sho ga nai’ (informal) or ‘shikata
ga nai’ (formal), translating to ‘it
cannot be helped’.
Now, this isn’t the kind of
inspirational saying that you’d
want to get as a tattoo – not
unless you want to raise
eyebrows in Japan. It’s a
very commonly said phrase,
comparable to ‘That’s life’ in
English. It encapsulates a sense
12 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
of accepting a situation and
moving on, but it’s not always
seen in a positive light, and can
sometimes be interpreted as
defeatist. In Japan, there has
been some debate in the past
about whether the ‘shikata ga
nai’ culture is a good or bad
thing, with one article in The
Japan Times dubbing it a ‘curse’
that halts change, while another
argues the culture encourages
Japanese people to live in the
moment.
It should go without saying
that total passivity can come
with risks – when something is
wrong or harmful, it’s important
to stand up and advocate for
ourselves. But is there a balanced
approach to the ‘shikata ga nai’
culture that we can apply to
our own lives? One that places
acceptance at the forefront when
appropriate, for the benefit of our
overall wellbeing?
Nick Rothengatter is a life coach
and acceptance and commitment
therapy (ACT) practitioner, ACT
being an approach that focuses
on finding peace in the process
instead of driving forward to
solutions, and which shares
common ground with ‘shikata ga
nai’ culture.
“ACT is a mindfulness-based
form of cognitive behaviour
therapy,” he explains. “It views
things like ‘human suffering’ as
normal, not a disorder driven by
pathological processes. Symptom
reduction (like reducing anxiety)
is not a goal within ACT. Instead,
ACT is all about expanding your
repertoire of behaviour (what you
are able to do with your body and
focus) in the presence of difficult
stimuli. Or, in plain English,
when you find yourself in tricky
and challenging situations,
finding a way to make room for
these experiences so you can still
put your attention on doing what
matters.”
For those who are drawn to
ACT as a treatment option, the
philosophy encourages us to
let go of constantly striving
for an unrealistic ideal of total
contentment, and accept the
natural lulls as they come. It’s
something that, Nick shares, has
supported him personally.
“Me and my partner’s journey
through years of fertility struggles
was a difficult pill to swallow.
 fresh thinking

Building
curiosity around
our ‘negative’
emotions – rather
than striving
to immediately
overcome them – is
a useful first step
Acceptance was not even on my
radar; instead questions like,
‘Why me?’ And, ‘What did we do
wrong to deserve this?’ filled my
mind as we were both healthy
and young. Seeing other
families with less healthy
parents was personally
difficult, because it
reminded me of the
unfairness of life.”
As Nick sees it,
making space
for those
feelings >>>

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 13

of resentment – accepting them
rather than diligently ploughing
through them – came with a
tangible benefit.
“In a way, our resentment
reminded us to continue to
explore alternative ways to
have a family, and not to give
up,” he says. “Now, we have a
family, and I am forever grateful
that we somehow managed to
make room for our pain and
remembered what we cared
about.”
Building curiosity around our
‘negative’ emotions – rather
than striving to immediately
overcome them or to submit to
them totally – is a useful first
step, and Nick encourages using
these instances as moments to
connect with ourselves.
“Everything that shows up
in our body and mind has a
purpose,” he reflects. “See them
as internal messages of wisdom,
shedding a light on the things we
care about. Because if you didn’t
care, why would these feelings
and thoughts show up in the first
place? The same is true when we
struggle to let go of something.
The inability to let things go,
reveals our attachments, our
values, and what truly matters
to us. In that space, there is a bit
that is useful, and a bit you can,
unfortunately, lose yourself in.”
14 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Everything that shows
up in our body and
mind has a purpose
‘Acceptance’ can be seen as the
easy answer, but Nick explains
that not only is that often
unrealistic, but ‘acceptance’
itself is often misunderstood.
Returning to ‘shikata ga nai’,
healthy acceptance is about
understanding something ‘cannot
be helped’ but without completely
submitting to the ‘so why bother’
conclusion, and rather exploring
those feelings with compassion.
“I recommend starting small,”
says Nick, when considering
the question of where someone
may want to begin when
working on their ability to accept
challenges. “Work on noticing
what is showing up for you. And
from that space of awareness,
you can develop skills to allow,
accommodate, and create space
for this difficult stuff that is
coming to the surface. Practising
these skills can help you take the
sting out of these experiences, so
you can better follow up on how
you want to respond, instead of
letting these internal messages
control you.”
Nick recommends working on
your ‘inner noticer’ – the part of
you that is good at observing and
witnessing things. He shares that
you can do this by engaging in
activities like sports and being in
nature, activities that encourage
you to connect with your body
and your surroundings, and
take you out of your busy mind
to a place where you can take
an observant approach to your
experiences.
“The key here is to keep
practising,” he adds. “Practising
doesn’t make perfect, but it does
make you better equipped to
respond more consciously next
time life decides to throw you a
curveball.”
There are pros and cons to
both the ‘gaman’ and ‘shikata ga
nai’ cultures, in the same way
that the British ‘stiff upper lip’
can either be seen as protective
self-preservation or repressive.
The key thing to take from the
philosophy of ‘shikata ga nai’ is
the ability to detach from, and
let go of, particular challenges.
Because no matter how closely we
follow any advice for a perfect life,
bad days will happen – but with
curiosity and compassion, they
may not have to last for long.
Nick Rothengatter is a coach and
ACT practitioner. Find out more on
the Life Coach Directory.

Why we need a
new narrative
on narcissism
An expert look at the complexity of human
behaviour, and why we should express caution
when using diagnostic labels
Writing | Hannah Beckett-Pratt
I
n today’s world of wellness
and self-improvement,
psychological terminology is
no longer confined to the therapy
room. With many of us searching
for a deeper understanding of
ourselves and our relationships,
clinical concepts are fast becoming
public knowledge. But, when
removed from their original
context, meaning can become
distorted and nuance lost, leading
to widespread labelling and stigma.
Narcissism is an obvious
current example, with #narcissist
generating more than 2 million
posts on Instagram at the time
of writing, despite narcissistic
personality disorder only
occurring in approximately 1–6%
of the UK population in 2021
according to NetDoctor. The
disorder has gained rapid traction
on social media as a pejorative
xxxxxxxxxxxx
term that is disproportionately
applied, both to men who
behave undesirably in romantic
relationships and mothers of adult
millennial females. Narcissism
has become synonymous with
persecutors of emotional,
psychological and relational abuse,
despite the National Domestic
Violence Hotline stating “mental
health issues do not excuse or
directly cause intimate partner
abuse”.
What is narcissism and
how does it develop?
Narcissism takes its name from
Greek mythology (after the
figure Narcissus who became
absorbed by his own reflection in
a pool of water), and originated
in the mental health sphere
as a psychoanalytic process of
personality construction. >>>
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 15
 When we stigmatise one
condition, we vilify all
psychological suffering by
objectifying people based
on what we have decided
their behaviour means to us
In secure infant development,
our feelings are mirrored to us
by a sensitive and responsive
caregiver, and this reciprocal early
relationship forms our sense of
self. For example, an infant is not
born knowing what fear is, but
when scared, they will feel an
inexplicable sensation and cry.
The caregiver will offer comfort,
which relieves this feeling. With
time and repetition, the infant
learns that this sensation is fear,
and that they can receive soothing
from others, as well as eventually
self-soothing, too.
Without effective recognition
and mirroring from the caregiver,
the infant cannot make sense
of its own impulses, leading to
a deficit in understanding of
self and others. This can lead to
many outcomes, but someone
with a narcissistic personality
structure has learned that
manipulation gives them the best
chance of getting their needs
met, and they come to consider
themselves superior to others.
These are unconscious defences
which hide the chronic shame
and lack of self-esteem that
has resulted from the deficit of
recognition in early life. As with
all defence mechanisms, these
narcissistic strategies exist on

16 | Issue 85 | happiful.com

a spectrum spanning a healthy
level of personality adaptation to a
diagnosed mental health disorder.
How is narcissism
misunderstood and
why is this harmful?
On social media and within
the wider public discourse,
narcissism has become conflated
with meaning more closely
related to psychopathy – an
even rarer presentation of an
altogether different personality
disorder. Narcissism has become
a misguided umbrella term
for perpetrators of emotional
abuse, and is mainly applied
indiscriminately to two groups:
male ex-partners and mothers,
both of whose relationship
behaviour is considered
objectionable or intolerable.
Labels such as ‘The Narcissist’
homogenise such behaviour,
and falsely represent it as one
character structure that describes
the totality of a person’s being.
This is comparable to calling
chaotic behaviour ‘schizophrenic’,
or describing healthy levels of
cleanliness as ‘a bit OCD’. Such
misuse of diagnostic language
creates what is known as a ‘sticky
label’, where the person is judged
according to the stigma associated
with their disorder. These sticky
labels have much more to do
with the social stereotypes of a
mental health condition than the
factual reality of their symptoms
and behaviours. When we
stigmatise one condition, we vilify
all psychological suffering by
objectifying people based on what
we have decided their behaviour
means to us.
What about
narcissistic abuse?
Psychological and emotional
abuse is fortunately becoming
increasingly recognised in our
society. After coercive control
became a legal offence in 2015, a
greater level of public attention
has been drawn to the abusive
relational dynamics that occur in
domestic and Intimate Partner
Violence (IPV).
However, on social media, a
collection of abusive behaviours
has been coupled with
narcissistic personality traits, and
is now colloquially referred to as
‘narcissistic abuse’, despite this
term not being recognised legally,
or by agencies working with IPV
and domestic violence. While
people with narcissistic traits
have difficulties in relationships,
conflating narcissism with
abusive behaviour does not
provide an adequate explanation,
or justification for abuse.
In the rare cases that
narcissism is an accurate and
diagnosed perception of an
abusive partner’s psychology,
using it as a sole reason for why
abuse occurred robs the survivor
of the essential elements
of processing, recovering,
and moving on. New Leaf
Counselling Group states: “A
victim of domestic violence must
begin their healing process from
a position of their own personal
integrity in order to create an
internal sense of safety (fight/
flight/freeze) characteristic of
a ‘trauma response’ commonly
experienced after the survival of
prolonged exposure to abusive
and controlling behaviour.”
fresh thinking
Hannah Beckett-Pratt is a relational
transactional analysis counsellor.
Discover more on the
Counselling Directory.
Simply labelling the abusive
partner as ‘The Narcissist’ as a
justification for their abuse keeps
the focus on the perpetrator, and
denies the survivor their own
subjective experience – which
is, at best, unhelpful, and, at
worst, a replication of the abusive
dynamics.
Furthermore, when abuse is
justified using one psychological
profile, as it is with narcissism,
it can confuse survivors as to
which available support options
are appropriate. In recovery from
abuse, it is vital to seek well-
qualified support from a trained
mental health professional who is
registered with an ethical body.
Human psychology is
complex and often takes time to
understand. Attempts to simplify
it with labelling discounts this
fundamental part of human nature,
and minimises experiences of
abusive relationships. Labelling
creates harmful stigma, equating
complex mental health issues with
abuse and violence. Moreover,
this also creates further harm for
survivors of relational abuse from
accessing appropriate support,
and arriving at the depth of
understanding necessary to truly
move on and protect themselves in
future.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 17
 NO
MOW
MAYThe campaign that asks you to liberate
your lawn – by doing literally nothing

Writing | Rebecca Thair

18 | Issue 85 | happiful.com

I
t probably feels unnatural,
right? We’re so conditioned
to take action, be proactive,
and raise our voices to make
a big difference, but, actually,
when it comes to supporting
our local wildlife, taking a step
back to let things be could be the
most transformative tool in our
arsenal.
Started in 2019 by conservation
charity Plantlife, No Mow May
encourages people to resist the
temptation to create perfectly
cultivated lawns and gardens,
and instead allow grass and
plants to grow more freely for
a month ahead of the summer,
both to tackle pollution and
support local wildlife.
WHY SHOULD YOU TAKE
PART IN NO MOW MAY?
While the temptation can be to
tame your garden the moment
spring arrives, and the thought of
unruly grass might be daunting
after months of the ground
being too damp to mow, the UK
is facing a serious issue with
declining numbers of pollinators.
These are the creatures that
help plants and crops reproduce
when they fly from one to
another – including bees, wasps,
butterflies, and beetles – without
whom we would see a knock-on
impact on biodiversity, and a
reduction in food supplies.
The main reason behind this
drop in numbers is due to a lack
(and loss) of suitable habitats. As
an example, Plantlife reports that
the UK has seen a 97% decline
in flower-rich meadows since
the 1930s. However other factors
are at play too, including the way
agriculture has changed over the
years, with farmland featuring
less flower-heavy fields, along
with the increase in pesticides,
and generally climate change
reducing locations that are
suitable for nesting and breeding.
While this shows the dire need
to allow for some rewilding, the
charity has also revealed that just
eight dandelions could produce
enough nectar to support an adult
bumblebee’s essential energy
needs. So the simple act of letting
your garden grow naturally for
a month could make a radical
difference, and help provide vital
locations for pollinators to do
their thing.
WHAT DO YOU
NEED TO DO?
It really is as simple as it sounds:
don’t mow your lawn for the
month of May. Size really doesn’t
matter, so don’t be perturbed if
you have a small patch of land to
call your own, or acres of space –
the more support, the merrier.
A great way to help the cause
further can be using the hashtag
on social media (#NoMowMay) to
spread the word, and hopefully
encourage others to give it a go,
too.
WHAT HAPPENS
AFTER NO MOW MAY?
The idea behind the campaign is
to act as a springboard to inspire
your eco efforts in future. It could
positive pointers
TOP TIPS TO HELP
POLLINATORS
Even after No Mow May, you can
continue to support pollinators by
doing the following:
• Let dandelions and daisies
grow freely.
• Avoid using pesticides or fertilisers
• Plant clover, long grasses, and
knapweed to help wildlife.
• Clear away grass cuttings to allow
wildflowers space to grow.
be making small changes to your
garden or habits, such as mowing
your lawn once a fortnight rather
than weekly, to bigger changes
like redesigning your space to
dedicate an area that will always
remain free and untamed.
Plantlife recommends
experimenting with different
lawn heights, as this can
encourage biodiversity, but also
trying to not mow lower than 1
inch, as this means things like
daisies (which can be a great food
source for critters) can still grow.
But whether you can commit
to longer-term changes or not,
supporting the campaign for
the month of May will be hugely
beneficial to wildlife regardless.
So, put down those gardening
gloves, and give your lawn
mower a breather. This May,
let your favourite pastime be
letting time pass, without human
interference – and see how your
garden thrives.
Discover more information about
No Mow May at plantlife.org.uk
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 19
 “It’s a funny thing about life,
once you begin to take note of
the things you are grateful for,
you begin to lose sight of the
things that you lack
GERMANY KENT

Photograph | Cottonbro studio

20 | Issue 85 | happiful.com

5 conversation starters for when
you’re worried about someone
Tips for how to support a loved one and broach a
difficult topic when you’re concerned for their wellbeing
How are you feeling
at the moment?
It might sound simple, but
showing a genuine interest can be
a good approach. Keeping things
broad allows them to go at their
own pace with sharing, as well as
choose the starting point for the
conversation.
I realise I haven’t checked-
in properly for a while.
How are things with you? Is
there anything you want to
talk about?
For a more casual approach, you
could say something like this to
introduce the idea of opening up,
while also setting expectations
that you want to check-in more
regularly. Knowing that could
make them more aware of the
support network they have, so
even if today the answer is ‘I’m
fine’, they may contemplate
sharing next time.
I’ve noticed you’ve not
really been yourself lately.
Has something been
bothering you?
This angle can make them feel
seen, recognising that you’ve
noticed a change in their
behaviour, and care about them.
Writing | Rebecca Thair
It can also be a helpful route into a
deeper conversation, as often the
initial idea of ‘what’s bothering us’
might not seem as personal, but
follow-up questions can allow you
to enter into the impact of this and
how they feel in more detail.
You’ve had a lot going on
recently, which must have
been really tough. Do you
want to talk about it?
Acknowledging their experience
can help to validate their feelings,
letting them know they won’t be
judged for struggling. This in itself
creates a more safe environment
to open up, knowing that your
loved one is on your side.
I don’t want to overstep, but
I know you’ve been having
a hard time. I want you to
know I’m here for you –
would talking it through
help?
Directly asking if they want to talk
through their concerns allows
them to set their own boundaries,
but also might prompt them to
think about what will help them.
Often, if we’re in a challenging
situation, we’re so focused on it
that we don’t know what might
help us, and so drawing attention
try this at home
to this option, and letting them
know it’s there, could feel like a real
lifeline.
When you make an effort to
check-in with someone, they
might not always be ready to open
up, and that’s OK – it’s important
not to pressure them. So if that’s
the case, reassure them that you’re
there for them when they are.
The fact that you’ve noticed they
might be struggling and checked
in shows that you care, and that
in itself can help create a safe,
supportive space.
In the meantime, maintain your
connection by planning ways to
spend time together to simply
remind them they’re not alone. And
when they’re ready to chat, you’ll be
by their side for support.
TOP TIPS
• Use open questions and body language.
• Try not to pass any judgements – you
can relay back what you’ve heard to
ensure you’ve not made assumptions.
• There may be silences, and that’s OK.
Allow them to be and take their time.
• Rather than referencing your own
experiences, focus on them. Ask
follow-up questions, such as ‘How did
that make you feel?’ or ‘How’s that
been impacting you?’
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 21
 Maladaptive daydreaming:
What’s the reality?
On the surface, excessive daydreaming may not sound particularly serious –
but, over time, it can have a destructive impact on people’s lives
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

H
aving a strong
imagination is something
that’s often admired.
Being a creative person can
make us better problem solvers
and innovative thinkers, and
can support social development.
Daydreaming is a natural
extension of our imaginations,
and escaping into our minds can
be the break so many of us need
from the outside world. But is it
possible for daydreaming to go
too far?
WHAT IS MALADAPTIVE
DAYDREAMING?
Referring to when a person
daydreams excessively,
maladaptive daydreaming (MD)
can have a negative effect on
someone’s life. It’s a relatively
new concept, coined by professor
of clinical psychology Eli Somer
in 2002, when he defined it as an
“extensive fantasy activity that
replaces human interaction and/
or interferes with academic,
interpersonal, or vocational
functioning”.
MD may look different for
each person, but individuals
sometimes talk about
maladaptive daydreaming
like entering another world.
They may have real emotional
and even physical reactions
to the things that happen in
these daydreams, and the
daydreams may vary or they
may consistently enter the same
scenes, sometimes over years.
They may pick up where they
left off, continuing the plot like a
TV series, or return to something
familiar time and time again.
In June 2023, in a case report
published in The Primary Care
Companion, a 27-year-old
single man presented with a
nine-year history of MD. He
described the ‘stories’ as running
continuously through his mind
for most of the day. Typically,
these stories centred on having
a romantic relationship,
but also were sometimes
about mundane activities. To
begin with, the ‘stories’ were
enjoyable, but the frequency
and intensity gradually
increased so much that it
hampered his occupational,
social, and personal life. He
went on to experience frequent
dismissal from jobs due to his
concentration, and he shared
that these stories became
clearer and more vivid while
listening to music or watching
television, and were not under
his control.
The compulsive nature of
MD is an important factor in
its identification, as well as a
devastating aspect. In fact, a 2018
study, published in the Journal of
Behavioral Addictions, highlighted
that maladaptive daydreaming
shared many features with
behavioural addiction. A 2020
study, published in the same
journal, went on to find that
MDers report a strong urge to
daydream whenever they can,
and annoyance whenever they
cannot. They may also make
repeated unsuccessful efforts
to control, cut back, or stop
daydreaming, and negative

22 | Issue 85 | happiful.com

emotions follow their daily
daydreaming activity.
“Daydreaming is something
that we all do, both as adults
and as children, and is a
very normal part of the
human experience,” explains
counselling psychotherapist
Leah O’Shaughnessy. “It can be
very positive and play a part in
forward planning, envisioning a
future for ourselves, going over
a past experience to see how
we could have done something
differently, enhancing creativity
or aiding problem-solving. But
maladaptive daydreaming can
be seen as negatively impacting
a person’s life, as it can distract
a person from everyday tasks
and relationships, and it can also
cause feelings of distress and/or
guilt and shame.”
As it stands, maladaptive
daydreaming is not recognised
in the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders,
however, research into it is
ongoing with many calling for its
official recognition.
For now, the 16-item
Maladaptive Daydreaming
Scale is used for self-reported
data used in MD research, and
includes an 11-point scale across
four domains, which are: ‘the
strong, addictive urge to engage
in daydreaming (yearning);
daydreaming impairing
functioning and interfering
with long-term life goals or
daily chores (impairment);
physical movement associated
with daydreaming such
as accompanying facial
expressions, mouthing the
words, rocking, or pacing
(kinesthesia); and music as a
facilitator of the daydreaming
(music)’. If someone were to
score over 40, they would be
considered to have suspected
clinical-level MD.
Much more than being ‘a bit
of a dreamer’, MD can have a
debilitating effect on several
areas of an individual’s life. They
may find that their relationships
suffer, that they have difficulty
falling asleep, that their work
fresh thinking
may be impacted, and that
they may struggle with feeling
present in daily life.
“Daydreaming becomes a
problem if it is highly distracting
or if it involves negative or
frightening thoughts or images,
or if it induces feelings of
guilt,” Leah says. “Healthy
daydreaming is time-limited,
and does not impact on a
person’s ability to function in
everyday life, while maladaptive
daydreamers are not able to
fully engage in daily activities
– either social or professional.
While daydreaming, they may
experience an intense sense of
immersion that includes visual,
auditory, or affective properties,
and they may have made
unsuccessful efforts to control,
cut back, or stop daydreaming.
It differs from normal
daydreaming as instead of
serving as a function to improve
problem-solving and creativity,
it becomes hard to control, and
is addictive and dysfunctional in
nature.” >>>
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 23

Healthy daydreaming is
time-limited, and does
not impact a person's
ability to function
24 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
WHO DOES MD AFFECT?
Leah goes on to highlight that
maladaptive daydreaming
tends to affect people who have
experienced aversive early life
experiences, and coped with
this by escaping reality into
a dissociative fantasy life of
daydreams. A study in Frontiers

in Psychiatry also found that it
tends to impact young people
more than adults.
Beyond that, research from
the past decade has consistently
found links between MD and
ADHD, with a study published in
The Journal of Nervous and Mental
Disease finding that around 20%
of those with ADHD experience
MD – with 77% of people with
MD also having a diagnosis of
ADHD. The same study, which
examined the comorbidity
profile of individuals meeting
the criteria for MD, also saw
that 71.8% met the criteria for
anxiety disorder, 66.7% for a
depressive disorder, and 53.9%
for OCD or related disorder.
Additionally, 28.2% had
attempted suicide.
But while these are impactful
figures, sample sizes for such
studies are still relatively small,
and Leah urges caution around
jumping to conclusions.
“Some research seems
to indicate that those who
experience maladaptive
daydreaming are also more
likely to have suffered with
depression or dissociative types
of mental illness, but this is not
conclusive,” she says. “Even if
it is linked to current or past
mental illness, daydreaming
may be a coping mechanism
and not in itself another degree
of psychopathology in those
individuals.
“We all daydream in that we
let our thoughts wander, and
perhaps play out different
scenarios in our minds – past,
present, or future,” Leah
continues. “As daydreaming
is reported as a common
occurrence, it has meant that
experts are reluctant to describe
excessive daydreaming as a
mental health issue, even if
it causes distress or impacts
everyday functioning.”
THE FUTURE OF
MALADAPTIVE
DAYDREAMING
On the forum-based social media
platform Reddit, more than
fresh thinking
Leah O’Shaughnessy is a
counselling psychotherapist
and supervisor. Reach out to her
on the Counselling Directory.
109,000 people are members
of the Maladaptive Dreaming
community support subreddit
– putting it in the top 2% of
communities site-wide. Here,
they share their stories, ask
questions, offer suggestions,
and vent. What soon becomes
clear from such spaces is the
frustration, fear, and shame that
can accompany MD. And while
research is in its infancy, these
experiences are happening now.
The lack of an official diagnosis
means that there is currently no
standard treatment, however,
mental health professionals are
still able to support individuals
with approaches used for related
conditions, such as cognitive
behavioural therapy, and
reaching out for support should
be the first step those who are
struggling with MD should take.
It’s a fast-moving area of
research, with new papers being
published each year, and as
awareness grows and experiences
are shared, the path to greater
understanding is laid.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 25
Familiar
feeling How finding comfort in
repetition can soothe anxiety
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
W
hen life appears
uncertain, familiarity
can feel like a warm
hug. Think back to life during
the pandemic, and you’ll likely
remember that watching reruns
of your favourite TV shows or
listening to the same songs on
repeat offered a strange sense of
comfort during difficult times.
Psychology of predictability
While you may have been
simply trying to fill the days with
entertainment, research has
shown that repetition successfully
taps into your brain’s desire
for pattern and predictability.
When you engage in repetitive
behaviour, e.g. listening to your
favourite album from start to
finish, you create a mental script
that runs on autopilot. This is
good news for your brain because
it can minimise cognitive load,
allowing your brain to rest, and
even enhance learning and
memory retention.
There have even been studies,
such as a review article by Jaye L
Derrick in Social Psychological and
Personality Science, to suggest that
rewatching familiar TV shows
after a difficult social interaction
can give you an energy boost,
while keeping up with a new show
takes emotional energy that may
leave you feeling depleted.
But it’s not only Netflix that has
the power to calm your nerves.
Doing familiar tasks, such as
taking the same daily dog-walking
route, can release dopamine – a
hormone associated with pleasure
and satisfaction. Dr Elena
Touroni, a consultant psychologist
and co-founder of The Chelsea
Psychology Clinic, says, “For those
with anxiety, these repetitive
patterns can be soothing, dialling
 fresh thinking

down the internal noise and

creating a sense of calm and
safety. It’s a way to control the
external environment, even
when internal states may feel
overwhelming.”
Repetition can coax you into a
flow state, where you become fully
immersed in an activity, leading
to a sense of ease and focus. That’s
one of the reasons why hobbies
that require deep concentration
– like yoga, drawing, or playing a
musical instrument – can have a
positive effect on your wellbeing.

Same old story

While we’re all for taking on a
challenge and trying new things,
the repetitive nature of a task
specifically eases uncertainty,
which is a key contributor to
anxiety. The brain simply loves
predictability, and when it knows
what to expect, it can relax.
So, go easy on yourself if you’d
rather re-read your favourite
novel for the third time instead of
starting a new book. Your prior
knowledge of the characters and
plot supports means you’re able to
relax, which is great for emotional
regulation.

Real-life repetition
For many, the concept of
repetition takes on a physical
element. Kathleen, a 32-year-old
graphic designer from Lincoln,
says the repetitive action of
swimming in a pool three times a
week helps her manage stress and
anxiety.
“I wouldn’t say I’m a terribly
anxious person, but if I go a few
weeks without swimming, I really
notice the impact on my mood,” >>>

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 27
The brain simply loves
predictability, and
when it knows what to
expect, it can relax
she says. “Things that normally
don’t bother me suddenly
become unbearable. I am up all
night worrying and overthinking
about things I’ve done in the
office, or small remarks others
have made about work. As soon
as I hit the pool and swim a few
lengths, my body gets into this
magical rhythmic pattern, and all
the stress seems to physically and
mentally wash away.”
Whereas Jill, a 29-year-old
student from Edinburgh, prefers
to go through the motions of
making her coffee in the same
way, every single morning. “I
tend to wake up anxious every
morning, but there’s something
soothing about sleepily going
through the process of grinding
coffee beans and making a latte
before I head off to class. It
doesn’t take any real effort, but it
takes a bit of focus, which stops
me from ruminating about the
day ahead.”
Fine line toward obsession
Although there are clear
benefits to repetition and its
role in managing anxiety, it’s
important to note the difference
between helpful
and harmful
repetition.
According to Dr
Touroni, the key
difference lies
in the impact of
the behaviours
themselves. “Healthy repetitive
behaviours, such as background
music or familiar TV shows, can
improve a person’s ability to focus
or do particular tasks. In contrast,
some of the repetitive behaviours
associated with OCD, such as
rituals to neutralise intrusive
thoughts, consume a lot of time
and interfere with day-to-day life.
The former has a positive impact,
while the latter usually has a
detrimental effect.”
Recognising this line can be
challenging, especially for those
who find comfort in routines. It’s
important to seek support from
your GP or a qualified therapist
if rigid patterns dominate your
thoughts and dictate your actions.
Repetition doesn’t have
to mean inflexible
On the other hand, repetition can
be a powerful tool for those living
with attention deficit hyperactivity
disorder (ADHD).
“Those with ADHD need
structure, but often hate it!” says
Helen Neale, owner and editor of
kiddycharts.com. “To get over this,
I pretty much always help myself
to concentrate by going out for a
walk to a coffee shop every day
– the activity is repeated usually
daily, but it is at any time of day,
so that’s the ‘no structure’ for me.
It works well for me, and it helps
me focus on specific tasks that I
know I need to do.”
By incorporating repetitive
strategies, folks with ADHD
can create an environment to
help manage decision fatigue
and waning energy levels. This
approach not only aids in daily
functioning, but also offers a
sense of control over symptoms.
Could you repeat that?
To use repetition to soothe
anxiety, start by identifying the
activities that bring you comfort
and don’t take too much effort.
For you, this could be preparing
a simple breakfast or using a
meditation app. Alternatively,
it could be setting aside 20
minutes of your lunch break
to do a yoga session, or listen
to a chapter of an audiobook.
Even the repetitive action of
vacuuming or dusting can be
soothing for those with anxious
minds.
Try to perform your chosen
activity at the same time and in
the same way each day. Whether
it’s revisiting beloved shows,
following familiar routines, or
engaging in rhythmic activities,
make time for repetition and
enjoy the familiarity – it’s doing
your brain a world of good.
 What people think psychosis is

Seeing and hearing things

What it actually is...

Hallucinations Delusions Severe distress

Feeling like things are Disordered thinking Mood changes

personally directed and speaking
towards them (songs, Sensing changes to
TV shows, etc.) Feeling disorientated time (slowing down
or speeding up)

Losing touch with Becoming socially Change to sleep

reality withdrawn patterns (more or less)

Agitation Restlessness
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 29
 Treat yourself 5 ways to embrace treat culture to boost your mental health
G
oing to my local coffee
shop to spend £3.50 on
a barista-made latte is a
weekly staple in my life that I’m
just not willing to give up. Even
as my rent, food, and utility bills
increase, the world is such an
overwhelming place sometimes
that low-cost treats that allow me
to escape the monotony of daily
life are becoming more sacred
than ever. Whether it’s an artisan
pastry for breakfast, or a bunch
of flowers to spruce up your
home, treat culture kicked off
during the pandemic, and hasn’t
ever really left us.
Consumers are known to opt for
little luxuries, such as lipsticks
and premium snacks, during
times of economic downturn, but
treat culture is so much more than
just spending money to drown out
the bad vibes. Embracing treat
culture is about doing something
for yourself that has a positive
impact on your mental health.
That’s why a visit to my local cafe
(which encourages me to shower
and wear something other than
pyjamas) is something I know
supports my wellbeing and
30 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
mood during difficult times. But
how can we enjoy treat culture
mindfully in the middle of a
recession?
Some treats are good for you
Treats are associated with rewards
for good behaviour, and, as adults
who are often lacking in that kind
of external validation, giving
ourselves a treat can be a way to
nurture that inner child, and get a
boost of self-love.
Indulging in a little treat isn’t
necessarily about the shiny
hardback or face mask in
question. Instead, it’s about
the experience of savouring a
moment of respite in between
the pressures of modern living,
actively choosing to relish the
sense of having earned a well-
deserved reward, and nourishing
your emotional self. In short, it’s
all about the act of self-care that
the treat represents.
Think about what
you actually need
While treats tend to lose their
excitement when they fall under
the ‘practical’ umbrella, it can be
helpful to think about the treats
you tend to gravitate towards,
and how they serve you. For
example, if you like to treat
yourself to a fancy coffee, is it
because you enjoy the taste, or
is it because you’re overworked
and lacking sleep? You can still
enjoy that wonderful caffeine hit,
but reflecting on your core needs
might also give you the nudge to
work on your sleep hygiene, or
book some annual leave to focus
on deep rest.
On the other hand, if your little
treats are normally triggered
by TikTok trends, could you be
purchasing out of sheer boredom?
It doesn’t mean you can’t indulge
in that cute new phone case,
but it could be an opportunity
to consider whether a coffee
date with a friend, or taking up
a hobby, would contribute more
effectively to your overall sense of
fulfilment.
Set yourself a
monthly budget
Spending frivolously and passing
it off as self-care is not the order
of the day here, so take a look at
 positive pointers

your finances and set yourself

a monthly treat budget. If you
glance over your bank statements,
you’ll probably see that you’re
already embracing treat culture
with enthusiasm. Take stock of
your spending and reflect on
those midweek shopping trips:
did they boost your mood? If so,
you can include those in your
budget. How about that Saturday
night takeaway? If it made you
feel bloated and tired the next
day, perhaps it isn’t an ideal future
treat option.

Avoid emotional numbing
The key to treating yourself is to
make sure that you are using it as
a way to increase your sense of
fulfilment, not repress difficult
emotions. This might mean
avoiding treats that serve as a
temporary distraction, but have
long-term negative consequences
on your quality of life (e.g.
overindulging in alcohol, or binge-
eating sugary foods).
Spend your time wisely
We spend our days rushing
from one task to another, which
means we often waste money on
things that offer convenience over
pleasure. But instead of always
opting for exchanging cash for a
dopamine hit, experiment with
spending your time instead. This
could be putting your phone on
silent and escaping into a nostalgic
movie complete with homemade
popcorn, or looking up recipes
online to slow-cook a delicious
meal without any distractions.
Think about the experience
Research shows that purchases
that lead to human connection
tend to be a guaranteed boost
for your mental health, because
meaningful social relationships
contribute a great deal to our
happiness, as shown in a study
in the Journal of Consumer
Psychology. This might mean that
you prioritise treats that involve
a social aspect, such as eating in
restaurants with friends, or going
to see your favourite band play
live. Again, it’s about figuring out
the specific emotional benefit
that the treat delivers, instead
of throwing money at your
unhappiness.

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 31
 Healthy boundaries
versus building walls
Recognise the difference between establishing and communicating
clear boundaries, and closing yourself off from others
T
hese days, the media is
abuzz with conversation
around boundaries, but
as the ‘Queen of Boundaries’,
more and more often I am
noticing a misuse of the term. The
problem is that if we use the word
‘boundaries’, or any terminology
that originates from psychology
jargon, without education and
understanding, it can result in
people weaponising therapy terms
in a way that is not only unhelpful,
but means that our conversations
become less productive.
Recently, I have heard people
say that ‘ghosting’ is a boundary,
or ‘swearing at someone to
get lost’ is a boundary. What’s
important to reinforce is that
these are not actual boundaries,
because boundaries must come
with good communication, so
in these examples the absence
of communication, or poor
communication that involves
swearing, is not healthy boundary
setting. In fact, it’s a lot closer
to putting up walls and pushing
32 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Writing | Michelle Elman
people away out of fear of having a
difficult conversation.
I’ve even heard people say
that they have conveyed their
boundary by telling someone to
‘not hurt their feelings’. Again,
this is not a boundary. You cannot
set a boundary around how you
feel. This is subjective and changes
from moment to moment. Other
people are not mind readers, and
so they cannot know what hurts
your feelings and what does not.
Rather, you need to recognise
what your feelings are telling
you about what you need, and
communicate that.
So, if we’ve ascertained all of
these things that aren’t boundaries,
you might be wondering what
exactly is a good, healthy
boundary? The important
differentiation is that boundaries
are how we teach other people
to treat us – what is and isn’t
acceptable. It is the line between
you and other people, and it is the
difference between who you are
and who the world wants you to be.
Boundaries between you and
others are like a house: inside
the house is your life, and the
four walls that create the house
are your protection from the
outside world. There can be
a lot of confusion between
boundaries and walls, but, using
this analogy, a boundary is
more like a house because this
includes a door and windows
that you can open when you’ve
decided to let someone in,
figuratively and literally. It
represents and reflects the
fact that you aren’t completely
closed off, because you can open
the door to let people in – but
when you open that door is your
choice. You get to decide who
comes in, and who has to leave
at any moment. It is your house,
and you get to decide what
behaviour you tolerate inside it.
Some people might allow others
to wear shoes inside the house,
while others don’t like it. It’s your
house, they are your boundaries,
and you get to decide.

Walls, on the other hand, close
you off from the world and
prevent intimacy. The purpose
of boundaries is to allow
for healthier relationships,
and enable people to feel
vulnerable while also staying
safe. Putting walls up can lead
to mistrust in a relationship,
but boundaries lead to healthier
communication.
So, why do we put up walls?
Well, for most people, it’s
because they’re scared. They are
afraid of vulnerability, fearful of
having a hard conversation, or
scared that setting a boundary
will be perceived as being mean,
and so think it’ll be easier to cut a
relationship off.
It also might stem from
misconceptions, where people
believe that setting boundaries is
mean. It’s important to understand
that healthy boundaries in
themselves are not mean, but how
you communicate them might be.
In actuality, people aren’t setting
boundaries to hurt you, they are
doing it to protect themselves,
and more often than not, it is an
attempt to save and improve the
relationship rather than end it.
If you’re getting to a stage
where you feel it is time to end a
relationship, ask yourself if the
person knows that you are upset.
Consider whether you have set a
boundary, reinforced it clearly, and
given the person an opportunity to
@MICHELLELELMAN
change any behaviour that crosses
this. If this is the case, and they
have continued to ignore your
boundary, you would be within
your rights to choose to end the
relationship. However, it’s vital
to give some grace. If your first
boundary is your final boundary,
you are not allowing room for
human error.
Humans make mistakes, and
in any interaction or exchange
between two humans there can be
a risk of being hurt or offended.
Instead of having a one strike
policy, and judging the people in
your life on whether they hurt
you, judge them on what they do
when you tell them about the hurt
created and what their next steps
are. How do they amend their
behaviour moving forwards? Do
they make efforts to respect your
boundaries in future?
That’s the key difference
between a wall and a boundary.
We do not want to be cutting
people out of our lives entirely
or ending relationships for good
when someone makes a mistake,
or on their first error, because
it also means when you mess
up (which is inevitable because
you are human!) you will judge
yourself more harshly, too!
Michelle Elman is an author,
TEDx speaker, and five-board
accredited life coach. Follow her
on Instagram @michellelelman
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 33
 It’s never too late
to be LGBTQIA+
Exploring the journey of ‘coming out’ and being true to your authentic self
I
n 2021, for the first time ever,
the Office for National Statistics
asked people in England
and Wales about their sexual
orientation and gender identity.
The landmark census confirmed
an upward trend in the number
of Britons who identify as gay,
lesbian, or bisexual. The census
also found that there are 262,000
openly trans people in England
and Wales.
Personally, I ticked the
heterosexual box, and stuffed my
queerness aside for a few more
years. But, now I’m a fully out,
late-bloomer, and I’m proud to
see my community represented
not just in historical records, but
in mainstream culture, too.
At the age of 33, Elliot Page came
out as trans. We’re watching the
queerest Doctor Who line-up in
history. Reality TV has become a
platform for Chrishell Stause, star
of Netflix’s Selling Sunset, to marry
her non-binary partner. The
message is clear: it’s never too late
to be true to yourself.
Of course, it’s not always that
simple. Trying to understand
your sexuality and/or gender in
34 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
adulthood can be complex and
sometimes traumatic, but the
benefits are worth discussing.
For example, a study published
in the journal Pediatrics found that
young transgender people who
use their chosen name at work,
school, and home, instead of
the name given to them at birth,
report fewer depressive symptoms
and fewer suicidal thoughts
and behaviours. Additionally,
researchers at the Centre for
Studies on Human Stress at Louis
H Lafonatine Hospital, in Canada,
revealed that lesbians, gays, and
bisexuals who are ‘out’ have lower
stress hormone levels, and fewer
symptoms of anxiety, depression,
and burnout, compared to those
who mask their sexual or gender
identity.
With that said, no one should
pressure you to come out, and
the most important thing is
getting comfortable with yourself,
regardless of what others may
think.
COMING OUT TO YOURSELF
There are probably a bunch of
reasons bubbling under your
confusion. Maybe you’re feeling
disconnected from the façade
you present to other people, or
perhaps you’re daydreaming
about exploring different kinds
of relationships, introducing
family to your partner, or finding
a community of folks who
understand the real you.
As a proud late bloomer, I know
how these thoughts can shake
your foundations, and how we
become experts at avoiding them
entirely. I didn’t spend my life
consciously hiding my sexuality
from others. It was so deeply
hidden under a lifetime of social
conditioning, I had no idea it was
there until I started therapy.
During this period of
questioning my sexuality, I chose
to speak to my therapist (who I
found through the Counselling
Directory) because I didn’t want
to come out to anyone until I
felt certain about my identity. In
between sessions, writing in my
journal gave me space to privately
reflect on thoughts, feelings,
and experiences dating back to
childhood, and observe the bigger
picture of my sexuality. >>>
 xxxxxxxxxxxx

SUPPORT

Switchboard, the LGBTQIA+

support line: 0800 0119 100
Email: hello@switchboard.lgbt
Online chat is also available
through their homepage:
switchboard.lgbt

Samaritans helpline: 116 123

Email: jo@samaritans.org

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 35
 These two things combined
allowed me to safely come out to
myself at a comfortable pace.
COMING OUT TO
FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Deciding to come out to friends
and family can’t be rushed.
You’ve discovered a beautiful part
of yourself, so tread softly as you
reveal this to others, and consider
talking it over with an LGBTQIA+
therapist or friend.
“Be prepared to be surprised,”
says therapist Rosalind Pistilli.
“The person you think is going to
have the hardest time with this
might be the most supportive,
and the person you think is going
to be the most supportive may be
the one who struggles with this.”
Having spent 18 years of my life
in a heterosexual relationship
– six of them married – coming
out as a lesbian challenged
everything people knew about
me, and they needed time to
reconcile those changes.
“It may take them a moment to
process this, and some of them
may never appropriately process
this,” continues Rosalind. “Losing
friends and family is hard, but
many people are surprised by
how supportive their friends and
family can be.”
On a positive note, I’ve found
that coming out has enriched
many of my relationships,
because I now bring the real me
to the party (she’s a lot of fun) and
have fostered some genuinely
deep connections.
FIND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
Although 35 might seem young
to call myself a late bloomer,
36 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
the grief for those lost years is
palpable. Contrasted with the
exhilaration of trying new things
for the first time, the swinging
pendulum of emotions can
often leave late bloomers feeling
exhausted and confused.
My friends have been an
invaluable source of emotional
support, but I cherish the wisdom
gained from speaking to other
queer women. As a late bloomer
remarked recently, “You don’t get
a queer friend group assigned to
you when you come out.” She’s
right, it takes conscious effort
and a dose of patience to create a
network of like-minded pals.
Rosalind agrees. “When you’re
navigating these things alone,
it can feel very isolating and
like you’re the only one feeling
this way, but having a queer
community can help you see
that what you’re going through is
really quite normal.”
If you’re a bit shy, queer books,
blogs, and podcasts can gently
introduce you to the community,
and quieten your fear of not
being ‘queer enough’ to enter
into certain spaces. When you’re
ready, Eventbrite is a hive of
queer activity, both for online and
real-life events.
EMBRACING THE TRUE YOU
Coming to terms with your
sexual and/or gender identity
can give you a taste of freedom
that ripples through all areas of
your life. For me, it kickstarted
a spiritual journey that has me
meditating regularly, and reading
tarot to strengthen my intuition,
something that decades of sexual
repression had silenced. I always
Fiona
told myself I wasn’t smart enough
to write poetry, but now I’m
planning to read my work at an
open mic night.
Being openly queer is an act
of courage, so you might be
pleasantly surprised when you
see your bravery in action. You’ll
likely find yourself exploring
new ways of expressing yourself
through clothes, hair, and makeup
with less resistance than before.
Gender norms that previously
dissuaded you from exploring a
particular career path or hobby
may now seem worth challenging.
In an ideal world, no one would
have to come out to state their
sexuality or gender. Alas, we
live in a system built on binaries
and heterosexuality, and as
unnerving as it is to claim your
queer identity – either privately
or publicly – I want you to know
that it’s so much more than just
choosing a box to tick. It’s about
having the compassion – at any
age – to choose yourself.
Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance
writer and author, whose book,
‘Work It Out’ is available now
(Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit
fionalikestoblog.com for more.
Happiful
reads...
From a pocket-read about friendship to a
journaling book connecting you with the
outdoor world, here are four insightful
books to add to your literary line-up
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
I
n the age of social media
and 24-hour news, it can
sometimes feel as though the
world is powered by negativity.
That’s why it’s more important
than ever to be generous to
others and override these stories
with ones of thoughtfulness and
kindness.
Must reads
The Wild Remedy
Journal: Finding
Wellness in Nature
by Emma Mitchell
As spring opens
its doors to lighter
evenings and longer days, it’s
the perfect time to take your
journaling habits into the wild.
For Emma, the outdoor world
was the remedy she needed to
alleviate her anxiety, and her
hope is to take you on your own
healing experience with nature
by giving you the space to
reflect and journal.
Helping us to rewrite the
narrative and reclaim the
internet as a force for good is
Chris Anderson, head of TED,
who is on a mission to make
generosity infectious: a ripple
effect of kindness that spreads
from person to person. His
book, Infectious Generosity, is
Feel Good in 15:
15-Minute Recipes,
Workouts + Health
Hacks by Joe
Wicks
Making time for
our health can be difficult when
we have a lot on, but we shouldn’t
let this put us off from doing
anything at all. Joe Wicks shows
us the ropes on how to boost our
health and wellbeing when we
don’t have much time – providing
recipes, home workouts, and
health hacks that can be done in
just 15 minutes.
Infectious
Generosity: The
Ultimate Idea
Worth Spreading
by Chris Anderson
devoted to showing you how to
cultivate this mindset to make
long-lasting change in the world.
With You Every Step:
A Celebration of
Friendship by Rob
Burrow and Kevin
Sinfield
When rugby icon Rob
Burrow was diagnosed with motor
neurone disease, Kevin Sinfield (his
coach and best friend) stepped
up to raise money and awareness
for Rob and the MND community.
To celebrate friendships just like
this one, this pocket book shares
a number of heartfelt quotes
about companionship that we can
resonate with at any age.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 37
 PLAYING WITH ART
Making art doesn’t have to be so serious. Here, we’re
exploring ‘found art’ and how putting play back into creativity
could boost your wellbeing, as well as your productivity
I
sift through the sheets of
A4 paper, searching the
sentences for interesting
words and phrases. I then take my
scissors and carefully cut away.
Soon, I have a pile of fragments
from these documents. I get a
blank piece of paper and start
arranging the cut-out words to
form new sentences, new ideas. I
spend some time playing around
with it, moving words around,
trying different orders. After a
while, I’m happy with the poem
I’ve created – it’s something new
out of something old.
This is a technique sometimes
known as ‘found poetry’. In
essence, found poetry, and
found object art, involve creating
new artistic work from existing
materials. It could be cutting up
old letters into a poem or making
a collage out of anything from
old receipts and ticket stubs to
takeaway menus or magazine
cuttings.
It’s a form of creative work I’ve
been drawn to for a long time.
There’s something satisfying in
being able to create something
new out of things that already
exist, as well as a sense of freedom
– there is no right or wrong way
38 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
to do this. I love the unusual and
unexpected connections that can
be made when seemingly random
words or images are juxtaposed on
the page.
Found objects were a key feature
of Dadaism and surrealism,
two important art movements
of the 20th century. I’ve always
been drawn to the Dada ‘cut-out
technique’, which involves cutting
up magazines and newspapers to
create absurd or satirical collages.
Work like this can ask questions
about the nature of art, and how it
relates to life.
FOUND ART AND
WELLBEING
“Found art can help guide us
through the oppositional nature of
life, where the many restrictions
and containments placed on us
can also lead us to a greater need
for freedom and autonomy,” says
counsellor Katie Schofield.
“In other words, we can often
feel hopeless and oppressed by
conditions placed on us that are
outside of our control, but within
that, breeds the desire for self-
agency. By using mediums that
already exist to create something
new, it can help us acknowledge
what is within our control and
further encourage choice and
self-expression. It can teach
us that the self is limitless, and
continues to want to be heard and
understood – either by ourselves
or others – regardless of the
limits placed on us.”
The nature of found art, in
using and arranging pre-existing
materials, is part of the benefit
– we can create something new
out of anything, and there are no
rules about what we can make.
“Whether it is to develop our
understanding on a logical level,
or an experiential level, found
art grants us the inner sense of
expansion and freedom that we
always needed but never knew
existed,” says Katie.
“Found art can support us
with our wellbeing by helping
us move from feeling stuck to
feeling more open and hopeful,”
she adds. “The experience can
help us reconnect to ourselves
and our surroundings, which, in
turn, creates a sense of purpose
and meaning. Essentially, it
can remind us that we matter,
regardless of the things
happening to us that are outside
of our control.”

HOW TO GIVE IT A GO
Many of us are used to the idea
of creativity being something
with a set purpose or aim. Part
of the joy of found art is about
doing our best to let go of a sense
of restrictions. It can take some
time to allow yourself to feel this
freedom, so don’t worry if your
first time trying found art feels
a little difficult, or you feel a
resistance to being creative in this
kind of way.
You may want to create a piece of
found art around a loose theme.
For me and the notes I cut up, for
example, I focused on medical
notes that felt disconnected from
my lived experience. I wanted to
take something disempowering
and create poetry that reflected
how alienating these words felt
– almost like I was reclaiming
these words. The poem I created
had some flow to it, but I didn’t
worry too much about the form.
Sometimes, the absurdity of
found art is part of its appeal.
You could take anything with
words on it, or have a hunt for
old items that you no longer
need. Those ticket stubs from
past gigs? That leaflet that’s been
sitting on the kitchen counter?
Those catalogues, those shopping
lists, junk mail, bus tickets,
postcards… anything!
Find something like a sheet of
paper or card, and get some glue
or tape, and scissors. Try moving
things around, see what works,
what interesting contrasts appear,
CREATIVE CORNER
or what words or images seem to
complement each other.
If you feel daunted by this
process, another option is to
let things fall onto the page
and to keep them in place
wherever they land. Or, do like
the Dadaists, and take words
at random to create new lines.
Do what works for you, letting
yourself enjoy the process and
trying not to worry about ideas of
what art ‘should’ look like.
For me, found art is a way of
kindling my creativity that lets
go of ideas of perfectionism, that
gives me the freedom to be messy
and have fun. So have a go – you
may be surprised at what you
create, and the joy you get from
playing with art.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 39
Ask the experts
Can hypnotherapy help me stop biting my nails?

Cognitive behavioural hypnotherapist Morag Stevenson

answers your questions on hypnotherapy for nail biting.

Read more about Morag on Hypnotherapy Directory.

Q tension when anxious thoughts your way of procrastinating.

Why might people
and overwhelm make your While you nail bite, you aren’t
bite their nails? body and mind agitated and accomplishing your tasks, and

A There probably isn’t just

one reason you nail-bite.
When you take a step back
and observe when you chew
your nails, several reasons
may emerge. It can be your
way of dealing with nervous
fidgety. It can be a habit you
engage in when you’re bored
and don’t know what to do
with yourself. The chewing,
inspection, biting, and pulling
keep you engaged and make
you feel busy. It can also be
yet it feels as if you’re busy as
your hands and mouth are hard
at work. In sum, it’s something
your body and mind are
‘naturally’ drawn to when you
are either overstimulated or
understimulated.

Q
How does hypnosis work hypnosis to both free you from to use your creative, helpful
limiting beliefs that hold you changes in reality. This strong
to stop nail biting? back, and strengthen new, more imagery will remain rooted in

A The relaxed yet focused

hypnotic mindset invites
you to leave your everyday life
for a while, and shift into an
imaginative realm where you
can experiment with how it feels
to behave and think differently.
To stop nail biting, you can use
useful thoughts and behaviours.
The negative thoughts are
weakened as you experience
a beautiful visualisation that
reinforces a future image of
well-cared-for fingers and nails.
Your mind is receptive and
you feel confident and eager
your unconscious mind long
after your hypnosis session, and
will drift to the surface if you
start to pick. You’ll be surprised
how you naturally leave your
nails alone as you tune back into
your visualisation’s positive and
powerful atmosphere.

Hypnotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Q system and disrupt the pattern.
What can I expect from a hypnotherapy session?
A You won’t be put into
hypnosis from the start
of the session. In hypnotherapy
for nail biting, your practitioner
will first gently help you open
up about the details of your
habit: where, when, and how you
nail-bite. A habit is perpetuated
because it gives you something,
and so the hypnotherapist will
encourage you to identify and
recognise the pleasure or ‘reward’
you get from nail biting. You will
then elaborate coping strategies
together, which may include
learning relaxation techniques to
use if tense or anxious, identifying
the trigger situations and
effective ways to navigate them,
and creating a strong coping
affirmation and movement to use
if/when you nail-bite.
Finally, hypnosis lets the
dreamy, intuitive, unconscious
part of your mind reinforce your
goal and coping strategies. Your
words and images will be woven
into a personal script that you
can listen to regularly to help
you achieve your dream.
Top tips for stopping
nail biting at home
• Have a self-care nail kit (a
file, hand cream, and a cuticle
clipper) with you. Instead of
picking, use this.
• When you notice you are nail-
biting, stop, close your hands
into gentle fists, and take a
couple of conscious gentle
breaths, extending the exhale.
This will calm down your nervous
• Create your affirmation, repeat
it regularly, and write it down,
too. An affirmation reinforces
your new mindset. Make it short,
positive, and forward-looking,
e.g. ‘I look after and nurture my
hands.’
• Challenge any negative
thoughts, for example ‘I’ll never
be able to stop.’ It’s not because
we have a thought that we must
believe it. Challenge it with a big
‘No!’ and imagine a stop sign
flashing in your mind.
• If you do bite your nails, don’t
feel you’ve failed, just carry on
applying the top tips. Little by
little, the habit will fade.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 41
 “The human heart has a way of
making itself large again even
after it’s been broken into a
million pieces
ROBERT JAMES WALLER

Photograph | Samson Katt

42 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
 6 effective tips to
reduce wedding stress
(from experts who’ve been there themselves)
Weddings can be some of the happiest – and most stressful
– days of our lives. So, how can you ditch the stress, and
refocus on what really matters on your wedding day?
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

W
eddings are a
celebration of love,
commitment, and
family. So, why do so many
of us find planning them so
stressful? One 2023 survey
from wedding planning
app Zola even found that an
overwhelming 94% of us feel
stressed while planning our
big day.
If you stop to think about
it, it’s no wonder it can be a
stressful time when you’re
trying to juggle managing your
budget, family and personal
expectations, finding a location,
and catering for different
dietary requirements, alongside
hunting down the right outfits,
invitations, and colour scheme.
It’s stressful just writing it all
down, and that’s only a fraction
of the tasks many couples will
complete. And let’s not forget,
we typically give ourselves
just 12 to 18 months between
getting engaged and tying the
knot. That’s a lot for anyone to
handle.
So, what can you do to avoid
feeling stressed, overwhelmed,
and anxious while planning
your wedding? To get the inside
scoop on the best advice, who
better to ask than counsellors and
psychotherapists who’ve been
there themselves? Here are their
transformative top tips:
Identify what
matters to you
Counsellor and clinical supervisor
Jacqui Parkin says deciding your
true non-negotiables early on can
have a huge impact.
“It can be tempting to get stuck
into the finer details about your
special day, but searching for
perfection can be a recipe for
stress. Write down your top
non-negotiables (maybe your
ideal venue, your perfect colour
scheme, your key bridesmaids)
and get those locked in. Anything
else can be considered a ‘nice to
have’, but you can move forward
stress-free, knowing that the
essentials for your dream day are
in the bag.”
Delegate, delegate,
delegate
“Choose a good support team
and delegate, delegate, delegate.
You don’t have to do it all yourself
– honestly!” Jacqui says. “The
most effective organisers have
a list of trusted contacts to call
upon for advice or practical help.
Pick two or three people you can
depend upon and bring them into
your circle of wedding planning
trust. Sitting down, sharing your
vision and expectations, and then
dividing up tasks according to
skills and temperament can bring
immediate relief – your only
job is then to arrange periodic
updates so that you all know
where you’re at.”
Don’t give away
too many details
Recently married psychotherapist
Justine Sheedly found that too
much advice and input could
lead to putting others’ ideas and
wishes before their own.
“Taking wedding advice from
others is challenging and, more >>>

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 43

frequently, the happy couple can
be seen taking steps to please
their guests above themselves.
Be vague when others ask
you questions about your
forthcoming nuptials, leaving
less room for discussion and
suggestions, and more time to
focus on what you both want.”
Make time to relax
together before
your big day
Having time out to connect
together, away from the stress
of wedding planning, work,
and everyday life, can have a
significant impact on your mood.
“Have a weekend or night alone
together, reminding yourselves
why you’re getting married,”
suggests Justine. “Play games,
have fun, enjoy each other.”
44 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Jacqui Parkin is a counsellor
and clincial supervisor.
Justine Sheedly is a
psychotherapist with a special
interest in generational trauma.
Justine also
reminds us
that it’s normal
to have a dip
in our moods
after the big
day. “Once
the wedding
is over, a
drop in stress
hormones can
make us feel
more anxious,
tired, and low
in mood. Like holiday blues, the Focus on your vision and
brain has exaggerated the ‘return avoid people-pleasing
to normal function’ to make it feel It can be easy to fall into the
more mundane and less attractive.” trap of trying to please everyone
It can be helpful to plan some else and letting your own wants,
gentle days or evenings together needs, and desires for your big
for after your wedding and day fall by the wayside. When
honeymoon, to help you readjust to psychotherapist and counsellor
‘normal’ life. Lorraine Collins got married, to

Lorraine Collins is
a psychotherapist
and counsellor.
Tina Chummun is a
psychotherapist and
trauma specialist.
Discover more about these
professionals and get in touch via their
profiles on the Counselling Directory.
reduce stress and anxiety levels, probably the turning point in
they decided to have an intimate my life – overcoming people-
wedding. pleasing.”
“My family heritage is It can be difficult to put
Jamaican, and weddings have yourselves first (as individuals
always been an excuse for a full- and a couple), but it’s important
on party. At the time I decided to remember that your big day
to get married, it coincided is about you, and should make
with my ongoing struggle with you happy. Making big decisions
anxiety. The idea of being the can be tough, but as Lorraine
centre of attention filled me explains, it can have a huge
with dread. After a long time impact on how you feel leading
trying to figure out what was up to – and thinking back on –
best, my partner and I decided your wedding day.
to get married in Jamaica with “The decision was a difficult
just four guests. Our family were one. I felt guilty about not
none too pleased, but respected meeting other people’s
our wishes. expectations. Realising how
“We later had a party back in important my own mental health
the UK for friends and family. I and peace of mind were helped
could sense we’d disappointed me to make the decision. It wasn’t
some family members and my responsibility to manage the
friends. Yet looking back, it was disappointment of others.”
relationships
Communication is key
Be open about how you’re feeling
with your partner, family, and
friends. It’s natural to feel some
level of stress when planning
your big day, but the people
around you may not be aware of
just how much it’s affecting you.
Psychotherapist and trauma
specialist Tina Chummun
shares why communication is so
important at this time. “Effective
communication between couples
is crucial in managing stress
and overwhelm during wedding
planning. Research shows open
and honest communication helps
reduce stress levels, and promotes
better problem-solving skills.
“It’s essential for couples
to express concerns, discuss
expectations, and delegate
responsibilities to avoid conflicts
and promote support. This is
especially true when there are
conflicting values, beliefs, and
ways of doing things from all
parties which can intrude on
what the couple actually want.
There are cultures where over-
involvement of family members
can override the wishes of the
bride and groom, and in such
cases, healthy boundaries need to
be established.”
It’s also important to ensure
that you and your partner are
communicating effectively. Take
time to catch up together to
make sure you’re on the same
page and to avoid any accidental
misunderstandings. Hopefully
that way, you can take the big
stress out of your big day, and
instead focus on making some
magical memories together.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 45
 Taking the steps
From quiet, solitary wanders to walk and talk therapy, how can we use the
simple act of walking to support our health and wellbeing?
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
I
could follow this route in my
sleep. Cross the road and
turn left. Take a right by the
library and you’re into a small
field with a stream running by
its side. Somewhere near here,
someone keeps chickens in their
garden; although you can’t see
them, you can hear their clucks
and coos. Cross another road
and you’re back on quiet lanes.
Eventually, you’ll pass two alpacas
and a rescue horse behind a half-
height stone wall, before taking a
turn to cross the stream again and
head back into town. Then, return
home, with a head that feels
clearer for your outdoor exploits.
Sometimes, a walk is a solution.
It’s the remedy for a tired mind
after a long day, it’s a respite
from monotony, and it’s a blank
slate for the steady flow of fresh
thoughts. Sometimes it’s simply a
gentle form of exercise that gets
you from A to B but, even so, it
always seems to have meaning of
some sort.
In her book, 52 Ways to Walk,
Annabel Streets explores the
science of walking for wellness
and joy one week at a time,
46 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
calling on us to rethink walking,
“to reclaim it from our molecular
memories”.
“Think of it as a means of
unravelling towns and cities,”
she writes. “Of connecting with
nature, of bonding with our
dogs, of fostering friendships,
of finding faith and freedom, of
giving two fingers to air-polluting
traffic, of nurturing our sense of
smell, of satisfying our cravings
for starlight and darkness,
of helping us appreciate the
exquisitely complicated and
beautiful world we inhabit.”
Cast your mind back to the
unseasonably warm March of
2020, when the UK entered the
first national lockdown. Several
studies since have confirmed
what many of us could have
predicted: the number of people
going on walks spiked, and four
years later, many have kept
up the habit. With restrictions
around how we could socialise,
meeting up outside became the
solution to staying in touch with
loved ones. It presented the
challenge to try out new ways of
doing things, as counsellor Nigel
Moyse discovered when he began
taking his sessions out of the
counselling room to try walking
therapy.
“I actually read about it on the
internet and thought, wow, that
sounds like a great idea. But
I never got around to it until,
during one of the lockdowns, I
was contacted by a past client
who I’d got on really well with.
We had closed the counselling
room I was using, and agreed that
we weren’t going to open it again
for several months. So, I thought,
what if I offer him walking
therapy? I was highly sceptical as
to whether it would work. He was
sceptical too, but we tried it and
he’s never looked back.”
Walking therapy, also called
‘walk and talk therapy’, takes
traditional counselling sessions
outdoors – and it soon became
a staple offering for Nigel. After
a first session in a counselling
room, Nigel offers to meet his
clients at their preferred location
– covering natural spaces,
parklands, and canal paths. They
then, as you might expect, walk
and talk. >>>
 fresh thinking

ACCESSIBILITY ALERT
The benefits of ecotherapy
can still be enjoyed without
the walking requirement.
Outdoor therapy allows
you to embrace opening
up in a fresh, less formal
environment, and find
support.

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 47
 When we meet – in a busy
Oxford café after the walk
that we had planned is rained
off – Nigel shows me his
copy of The Alter Ego Effect by
Canadian performance coach
Todd Herman. Nigel points to a
moment in the book when Todd
writes about his own kind of walk
and talk he does with clients.
“I’ll almost always take them for
a walk along the Hudson,” he
writes. “We walk because, in my
experience, humans are more
prone to open up when they’re
moving. Plus the fresh air and
exercise never hurt.”
I put it to Nigel that there’s
something less confrontational
about opening up when you’re
walking, and he agrees.
“You’re walking side by side,
you’re not looking into each
other’s eyes,” Nigel says. “That
might be intimidating for
some people, having someone
looking at them the whole time.
And I think some clients are
still slightly sceptical or just
frightened of therapy in general.
I think that’s just because they’re
worried about being exposed.
In reality, I don’t think therapy
is necessarily as powerful as
people fear. You don’t have to
tell a therapist everything about
yourself. I very often say to
clients, please don’t tell me things
you don’t want to tell me. It’s very
important.”
The sure-footed, empathetic
approach that Nigel describes,
which combines the wellbeing
benefits of talking therapy and
gentle exercise, contrasts the
48 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
more formal picture many may
imagine therapy to be. But it’s
also miles away from what Nigel
experienced the first time he
attended.
“The very first therapist I
ever went to was actually a
psychoanalyst in Italy, and he
didn’t say anything,” Nigel shares.
“He just looked at me with a very
severe face. I was really quite
frightened and I never went back.
In those days, the idea was to not
say anything, and let the anxiety
build up in the client to the extent
that they would blurt out things
they didn’t really necessarily
mean to say.”
The scene that Nigel recalls
feels worlds away from the vision
of two people walking side by
side, gradually talking through
problems, while trust naturally
grows. And while research into
walk and talk is in its infancy, one
small-scale study that looked at
40 participants over a programme
of 12–18 weeks, published in the
Journal of Environmental Psychology
in 2021, found that walk and talk
coaching in a natural setting
can be particularly effective for
reducing symptoms of burnout,
with some mental health
improvements already visible
after only the second walk.
Back to Annabel Streets and 52
Ways to Walk, and she also writes
about walking meditation – the
practice of combining meditation
with movement and fresh air. The
principles of walking meditation
involve maintaining awareness of
your body as you move, perhaps
syncing your breath with the
Nigel Moyse is an accredited
counsellor, life coach, and
part-time chess coach. Get in touch
via the Counselling Directory.
steps that you take, and making
an effort to remain present, but
the precise details will be led by
you alone.
“There is no right or wrong
way to do walking meditation,
no recommended speed, timing,
posture or location,” Annabel
writes. “The point is to use the
physical process of walking to
bring your attention entirely to
the present.”
Coincidentally, the day that
I write this is the day that a
landmark study of 70,000 people,
published in the British Journal
of Sports Medicine, found that
every extra step above 2,200 steps
a day lowers the risk of heart
disease and early death, even
when spending the rest of the
day sedentary. It’s a reminder
that – whether it’s getting out
for a walk around the block
on lunch, meeting up with a
friend in a park, having difficult
conversations on-the-go, or
taking what we thought we knew
about therapy and making it
something new – with slow and
steady progress we can reach our
goals, whatever they may be, by
taking one step at a time.
 10 affirmations for tough days
In challenging times, use these mantras to help you through

im es are
Mistakes are T to

ug
just lessons

h, b
that have yet
to be learned.

ut so am I.
I can’t control what
others do, but I can
I have
control how I react. overcome
obstacles
I EXHALE before,
and I will
WORRY, again.

MY MISTAKES.
AND INHALE
DEFINED BY
I am smart. I AM NOT
COURAGE. I am strong.
I am capable.
I can do this.
I let go of
the things I RISE IN
I cannot THE FACE OF
control. ADVERSITY.

I am doing my best, and that is enough.

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 49
 Just the ticket:
Care for your wellbeing while commuting
Make the most of your daily commute with these seven quick tips
C
ommuting. Does anyone
really enjoy it? The daily
commute can be one
of the most stressful ways to
start – and finish – your day.
One 2022 study, published in
the International Journal of
Environmental Research and
Public Health, exploring the
effects of commuting time on
quality of life, found that the
longer our commutes, the lower
our satisfaction with work and
life. But what if we could use
our commute more effectively,
turning it from something we
dread, into the chance to look
after ourselves?
Here are seven quick ways
you can take care of your
mental health during your daily
commute.
Come prepared.
Plan ahead and get things ready
to help make your morning
commute go smoothly. Always
running late? Get your bags
packed, outfit ready, and
everything you need by the door.
Need a morning caffeine boost,
but don’t have the time to queue
up? Set out your travel mug ready
to help speed things up in the
50 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
morning. Ensuring you have had
enough sleep and a nutritionally
balanced breakfast can also help
you to start your morning travels
in a better headspace – which can
make any unforeseen changes
that little bit easier to navigate.
Practise mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a tool that can
help you to become more self-
aware, calmer, and more in
control of your responses to
thoughts and feelings, as well
as reducing feelings of stress.
Regularly practising mindfulness
can not only improve attention
and concentration, but can even
help our relationships. Switch
doomscrolling on the tube for
focusing on the moment, being
aware of your surroundings, and
how you feel. Or try an audio-
guided meditation to help you
feel more present, relaxed, and
ready for the day.
Learn something new
and build a great habit.
How often do we find ourselves
saying, ‘If only I had more time, I
would…’ Your commute offers the
perfect opportunity to develop
positive habits each and every
day, during a dedicated time you
are guaranteed to have. Why
not try learning a new language,
listening to a podcast, or if you’re
taking the train or bus, starting
a short online course? Learning
new skills can help improve
your brain health, memory, and
increase your sense of happiness.
Switch up your routine.
Is the way you commute set
in stone, or is there room to
approach things a bit differently?
Consider getting off your train
or bus one stop earlier to start
your day with a mindful walk.
For shorter commutes, make
the switch from driving to
cycling. Spending time outside
in the fresh air can boost your
mood, while moving more can
increase your energy levels,
concentration, and motivation.
Find a buddy.
Making your commute a social
experience can not only support
cutting down costs through
giving each other a lift, but can
also create time for connection
outside of the office. The more
socially connected we feel, the
more likely we are to make

healthy choices, as well as to look
after our mental and physical
wellbeing.
Focus on gratitude.
It’s understandable to feel fed up
or resentful of long commutes.
Focusing on fostering a positive
mindset and finding small things
you are grateful for can help
you to reframe these automatic
negative thoughts, and find
something good in your day. Try
to make a list of the little things
that have made you feel grateful
today. This time for reflection
can also allow you to unwind and
release tension that may have
built over the day.
Embrace moments of me-time.
Having time to yourself can
be so beneficial for personal
development and growth. While
being on a packed commuter
train or being stuck in traffic may
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Why not try
learning a new
language, listening
to a podcast, or
if you’re taking
the train or bus,
starting a short
online course?
not seem like the ideal moment,
you can still find ways of taking
this time to think, focus on you,
and let go of outside pressures
and expectations. Take a moment
to listen to your favourite music,
let your mind wander, or even
plan something fun or relaxing
– however small – that you want
to do with your evening ahead.
Banish thoughts of work and
chores, and let yourself have a
moment to just be.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 51
 PUT
WELLBEING
ON THE
CORPORATE
AGENDA

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business
Your go-to guide
to thriving on the clock

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52 | Issue 85 | happiful.com

How do I stop
‘parentifying’ my child?
Our relationships with our parents can be complex – yet
most of us know we can rely on them for support and
guidance. But what happens when roles become reversed?
I
t’s normal to have certain
ideas and expectations of
our relationships with our
children. We are there to provide
love and support, to make sure
they are fed, safe, and in a stable
environment where they can
grow and mature without worry.
But what happens when big life
events happen to change that?
What happens when we start
looking to our children to help
support their younger siblings, or
even ourselves, when times are
tough?
What is parentification?
Also known as parent-child
role reversal, parentification
can happen in different ways.
These include instrumental
parentification (when a child is
expected to help with physical
tasks, like looking after a younger
brother or sister), or emotional
(when they are expected to act as
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
a mediator between parents or as
a confidant).
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer
explains more. “Parentification
is a type of role reversal when
a child takes on a nurturing,
supportive role towards their
parent. It goes beyond the
reciprocal sense of care and
compassion that we would expect
to see in a family. Instead, it feels
more like the child is ‘parenting’
their own parent, with the
practical and emotional tasks and
burdens that this entails.”
Why does
parentification happen?
Parentification can happen
slowly over time, or suddenly
due to changes in circumstances
or big life events. Both children
and teens can experience it.
What may start out as a parent
intending to lean on their child
for a little while to help with a
relationships
specific event like a new baby
being born or a divorce, can
change into a pattern that may
be hard to break. Sometimes, if
children volunteer to help, it can
be difficult to remember that
they are still young and shouldn’t
have too many responsibilities
for too long.
Georgina reveals more about
why we may lean on our children
at times. “On a practical level,
a parent with additional needs
might find it difficult to meet
the needs of their own child,
especially if they are lacking
in additional support. On an
emotional level, a parent might
lack the emotional resources
or maturity that we need in
order to look after our children.
This might be the result of
their own emotional wounds
from childhood, or past trauma
from life events or previous
relationships. Or we might be >>>
 re-enacting our own childhood if
we were parented by a stifling or
controlling parent.”
How do I know if I am
accidentally parentifying
my child?
The signs may not always be
as clear as we may expect.
Accidental parentification can
happen, especially when we are
feeling unsupported, stressed,
or overwhelmed. But what if you
are worried you may be putting
too much pressure on your child?
There are four key areas we can
keep an eye on to help us figure
out if we may be putting more
54 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
expectations and responsibilities
on our children than we may
realise.
“If you are worried that you are
accidentally parentifying your
child, tune-in to their emotions
and behaviours,” Georgina says.
“Do they seem to be in keeping
with their age and stage of
development? Or do they seem
more independent, or worldly,
or autonomous than you might
expect?
“Consider the role that you
expect them to play. Does it go
beyond the usual household
chores? Are you expecting them
to do the lion’s share of practical
tasks at home? Are you leaning on
them for emotional support for
yourself?
“Reflect on the boundaries
that exist within your family. Do
you and your child have a clear
understanding of what you can
expect from each other, and do
these boundaries feel appropriate?
Think about whether your child
asks for support. Parentified
children often suppress their own
needs and emotions.”
Is parentification
always bad?
Research suggests that children
who experience parentification

It feels more like the child is
‘parenting’ their own parent, with
the practical and emotional tasks
and burdens that this entails
towards a brother or sister,
or who see their parents in a
positive light, can experience
long-term positive effects. A
study published in the Journal of
Child and Family Studies in 2022
suggested that parentification
may give some children feelings
of competence and self-efficacy,
which can help them develop
positive feelings of self-worth
and self-image over time.
It can also have positive
impacts on a child’s levels of
independence, Georgina says.
“Parentified children are often
encouraged to be independent at
a young age. This can be helpful
in some circumstances, as they
develop practical, independent
skills.”
While there can be some
positives, it’s still not
recommended to deliberately
parentify children. Research
suggests that early childhood
development is the foundation
for our later lives. It shapes
our behaviours, emotional
development, and abilities
to learn, manage stress, and
maintain relationships. Some
experts warn that, when we
put too many responsibilities
on children too young, this can
lead to a need for perfectionism
and setting unachievable high
standards for themselves. Over
time, too much pressure can
lead to stress and anxiety.
How can I stop
parentifying my children?
If you’re worried you might be
parentifying your children,
there are steps you can take to
change things. Knowing what
signs to look out for can be vital
in helping you redefine what
healthy boundaries and age-
appropriate responsibilities
look like.
Georgina suggests that we face
things head-on. “Tackle what’s
going on. Start thinking about
roles and boundaries within
your home. How can you adjust
your responsibilities and actions
relationships
Georgina Sturmer
is a counsellor who
specialises in supporting
women. Check out
her profile on the
Counselling Directory.
so that everyone is playing an
appropriate role?”
Working with a professional
can also be a huge help. “Explore
the root cause. Therapy can be
a helpful way to explore the
roots of these behaviours, and
challenge our relationships with
our family and our children,”
Georgina explains. “Support
your child. Give your child
opportunities to explore how
they feel about the situation,
and to experience the carefree,
creative side of being a child.
Play with them, and help them to
understand that you are the adult
and that you will look after them
appropriately.”
Therapy can provide a safe
space for you to talk through your
concerns and worries without
fear of judgement. Therapists can
help you to examine and identify
unhealthy coping mechanisms
and behaviour patterns, learn
new, healthier ways of coping,
and make positive, sustainable
changes for you and your child.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 55
 A journey of
self-discovery
Our expert columnist Nikita Thakrar discusses
how to navigate and recenter when it feels like
we have lost ourselves, in order to find our way
W
e all go through
stages in our
life, where we
feel ‘lost’, and
as though we do not belong.
For some of us, it can be during
childhood, as we experience a
sense of separation from our
siblings, school, or society. For
others, it starts in our teenage
years when our relationship with
our parents creates distance,
and we develop unease at home.
Others may look back on their
early adulthood, where they
lacked direction or clarity about
what to do with their lives, and for
many it is their later years when
they reflect upon what they have
accomplished. Regardless of the
period in our lives it arises, the
feeling of estrangement and, in
some cases, alienation is very real.
Being made to feel
misunderstood is an isolating
experience. Not able to relate
to those around you, as though
you do not ‘fit in’ and, most
importantly, not being seen or
heard. As we change, grow, and
evolve, we may feel even more
56 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
disconnected from those around
us, particularly through outgrowing
friends or drifting apart from those
who were once close to us. All of
this provides us with scope to turn
inwards, and understand who we
truly are.
By redirecting our focus internally,
we give ourselves permission to
let go of the norms of society, and
develop a deeper understanding
of ourselves. This brings greater
self-awareness, and ultimately self-
acceptance.
THE POWER OF A
STRONG SENSE OF SELF
Having a strong sense of self is
fundamental in terms of bridging
a gap between us and the external
world. We all know that our
thoughts create our feelings,
and our feelings influence our
behaviours, which subsequently
reinforce our beliefs. By being
aware of our thoughts and
‘catching’ them gives us control.
Metaphorically realising that the
mind is the car, and we are the
driver, puts us in an empowering
position.
NIKITA THAKRAR
NLP
Nikita is a multifaceted teacher,
mentor and coach combining
transformative modalities to
support people to find their
life purpose. Visit the
Therapy Directory for more.
Knowing our own preferences
and embracing all aspects of
our personality traits builds our
confidence. Instead of resisting
elements of ourselves, we start
Photography | Julia Morris
to form bonds with each part,
recognising that they contribute to
our whole existence.
HOW A HOLISTIC
PERSPECTIVE HELPS
Looking at our lives holistically is a
positive way of developing self-
esteem. One method of doing this
is to pay attention to the language
patterns that we use, both verbally
and non-verbally. The things that
we say, and most importantly the
way we say it, is a strong indication
of the subconscious mind – the
part of ourselves which we are not
aware of.

Those who suffer from an
inferiority complex, i.e. low self-
worth, may put themselves down
in public, or use any opportunity
to beat themselves up over the
smallest of things. Alternatively,
they may use humour as a way of
seeking validation from others.
Often simply being aware of
this pattern is enough to make a
change, should they choose to.
Most of our beliefs are formed in
younger years, but now we know
that it’s never too late to create
new neural pathways in the brain,
hence we can still develop a new
empowering belief system.
‘WHAT WE THINK
WE BECOME.’
Personal development is a growing
industry, with more people turning
to coaches and counsellors for
support. The common thread
between most forms of therapy is
becoming aware of your thoughts,
and then choosing how you act on
them. The process also invites us to
eliminate shame, blame, and guilt,
as we start to become responsible
and accountable. For some, this
can be transformational, as they
heal their wounds and come to
peace with their past, in order to
move forwards.
EXPERT COLUMN
If you are going through a
period in life where you are
feeling low, know that you
are not alone. You can seek
help via any of the following
resources:
• Turn to a trusted parent,
relative, or friend.
• Speak to your place of
education or work.
• Consider getting counselling
or coaching.
• NHS GP or 111.
• Call Samaritans on 116 123.
We are opening our minds to
the idea that we create our own
destiny, whereas before we may
have assumed that life simply
happened by itself. Developing
a strong mindset is arguably the
most challenging, yet the most
empowering thing that anyone
can do. Spending time meditating,
reading, journaling, and reflecting
is just as important as exercising.
After all, we are physical, mental,
and emotional beings.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 57
 Happiful recommends
From an eco-friendly reading gift to a game designed to make your world
a little kinder, check out our enriching wellbeing recommendations
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

3
ACT OF KINDNESS

Share one thing you’ve learnt from Happiful

At Happiful, we’re committed to bringing you health and
wellbeing knowledge to enrich your life. But here’s the deal:
we want to pass on the torch so that you can bring kindness to others

1
too! So, if there’s a nugget of information that you’ve learnt from reading
our magazine, take the time to share it with your loved ones.

4
LEND US YOUR EARS

‘Poem of the Day’

PAGE-TURNERS
One Day by David Nicholls
In a life-affirming story about
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Escape into the fascinating world of poetry with the
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5
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picturesque countryside in the company of kindred spirits. science of happiness. (Follow
(Find local groups at ramblers.org.uk) @newhappyco on Instagram)

58 | Issue 54 | happiful.com
 culture

7
TECH TIP-OFFS

Kinder World: Wellbeing Plants

Self-care and habit-forming can be tricky to stick with,
but Kinder World was built to make it that little bit easier.
Through this wholesome game, you’ll be encouraged

6
LESSON LEARNED to grow your houseplants by practising kindness towards yourself.
Start playing today and make your virtual and real world a little kinder!
Educate yourself (Available on app store and Google Play)

on epilepsy
Do you know how to respond
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8
GET GOING
30-20-10 workout
The 30-20-10 workout
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be able to provide comfort and speed gradually, regardless of

support to those around you when ability. So how does it work? Jog
it matters most. (Head to learn. for 30 seconds, run at a more
epilepsy.org.uk to start the course) moderate speed for 20 seconds,

9
and sprint for 10 seconds. Then
SQUARE EYES repeat the cycle four more times. WIN A SET OF 5 PLANTABLE
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TREAT YOURSELF Which is not a type of wildflower?

Plantable Bookmarks a) Poppy

For any avid readers who want to make their favourite pastime more b) Primrose
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happiful.com | Issue 85 | 59
 Progress doesn’t look the same for everyone
Sometimes it feels like you’re going in circles

You might think you’re taking two steps forward, and one step back

It might seem like everyone else is racing ahead

Perhaps you’re finding it really tough, and can’t see how far you’ve come

Maybe you don’t understand why it’s so easy for others

(But what you don’t see is they’re struggling too…)

Your journey is your own, so try not to compare yourself and your progress to what everyone else is doing.
Pave your own path, and be proud of the steps you’re taking, because each one is a step in the right direction.

Discover ‘blue zones’
and their dietary power
We’d all like to live longer and feel better, but is there actually a diet that can
help? The ‘blue zones’ diet, based on those parts of the world where people live
longest, promises just this – but is it worth the hype, or is it just another fad?
W
anting to look
and feel younger
has long been on
many people’s
wish lists, but could ‘blue zones’
hold the key? If this is unfamiliar
territory, then let me fill you in:
blue zones are the five parts of
the world whose populations
are thought to live the longest,
with studies finding them to
have extremely high rates of
people who live to 90 or 100.
And it turns out, they could hold
the key to our health, so it’s no
surprise people are starting to
pay attention to see what they
can learn from them, with Netflix
even shining a spotlight on them
in 2023 with the documentary
Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue
Zones.
“Studying blue zones provides
insights into longevity and a
longer ‘healthspan’, offering
valuable lessons for promoting
Writing | Jenna Farmer
healthier habits and longevity
in other communities,” says
nutritionist and expert in
autoimmune disease VJ
Hamilton.
Located in Okinawa (Japan),
Icaria (Greece), Loma Linda
(USA), Nicoya Peninsula (Costa
Rica), and the Ogliastra Region
(Sardinia), while these blue
zones might be oceans apart
and span different parts of the
globe, they actually have a lot in
common. For example, many
of the blue zones are located in
mountainous areas, where it’s
common for residents to travel by
foot – so they certainly get their
steps in! The diets of blue zones
have also been widely studied
for their similarities. While they
vary between cultures and their
staple foods, they also have lots
of things in common, which is
how the blue zones diet has been
devised.
food & health
What is the
blue zones diet?
Based on the healthy diets of
blue zone populations across
the globe, the diet has several
principles. A commonality
between these five zones is
that they all consume mainly
locally grown produce, while not
consuming any processed foods,
such as ready meals. They eat
seasonally, use herbs and spices
for flavour, and use healthy fats
from olive oil.
While national dishes naturally
vary, their diets all centre around
wholegrains, plenty of fruits and
vegetables, beans and pulses,
nuts, fish, sheep and goat’s milk,
along with eggs just a few times
a week.
“The emphasis on a
predominantly plant-based diet
is a crucial factor contributing to
the health and longevity observed
in these regions,” explains VJ. >>>
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 61
 Prioritise social
interactions during meals,
as this is one of the key
themes of these residents
Some of the zones eat fish, but
red meat is usually on the menu
less frequently.
When it comes to drinking,
you might be surprised to know
that tea and alcohol are all in.
But if you do consume alcohol,
drinking one to two small glasses
of good quality wine is usually
the way forward.
“Interestingly, in Sardinia,
Cannonau wine is frequently
consumed,” says VJ. “Despite its
alcohol content, the antioxidants
in the wine are actually
considered a factor in the region’s
longevity!”
What are the benefits
of the blue zones diet?
While it’s believed that there are
many benefits to the blue zones
diet, the proof is in observing
these populations themselves,
who experience fewer health
problems when compared to
other populations.
“We can learn a lot from the
blue zone communities, as they
seem to be resistant to many
ailments that affect those living
62 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
in the rest of the world. For
example, in blue zones, many
centenarians (people who live to
100 or over) not only live longer
but also maintain good health,
with lower instances of common
age-related ailments that affect
the Western world,” says VJ.
As an example, the Nicoyans in
Costa Rica spend just 15% of what
Americans do on healthcare – yet
are twice as likely to reach the
age of 90, according to a study in
the American Journal of Lifestyle
Medicine. While in the blue zone
of Icaria, the same research
noted that they experience 20%
less cancer, half the rate of heart
disease, and almost no dementia.
As well as the diet, those in blue
zones have an active lifestyle,
which brings with it lots of other
benefits. “Regular physical activity
in blue zones may contribute to
reduced inflammation, which
is beneficial for managing
autoimmune conditions that
involve inflammatory responses,”
adds VJ.
Unlike many countries, this
typically doesn’t involve heading
to the gym, but having physical
activity naturally built into their
day-to-day life, much of which
takes place outdoors.
How can we start
the blue zone diet?
“To incorporate elements of
blue zone diets into our own,
there needs to be a focus on
plant-based foods, such as fruits,
vegetables, whole grains, and
legumes,” explains VJ. “It’s
also not about low fat, but good
fats. Incorporating olive oil
as a primary source of fat and
including nuts and seeds in your
daily diet.” Other sources of good
fats in the blue zones diet include
full-fat sheep’s and goat’s milk.
Another thing to note is you
don’t need to cut out meat
completely, but swapping from
having it with every dish to
occasionally is a great start.
Remember that it doesn’t have to
be meat-free, since fish is also on
the menu and, if you do drink,
swap other forms of alcohol for
a glass of good quality red wine
with your meal.
 food & health

VJ Hamilton is a nutritionist
and autoimmune expert.
Discover more on her profile
on the Nutritionist Resource.

However, it’s not only about what
you eat. How you eat is just as
important.
“Blue zone communities often
adopt the practice of stopping
eating when they feel 80% full,
which is a good rule of thumb to
follow,” says VJ. “For example,
Okinawans follow the ‘Hara Hachi
Bu’ principle, reminding them to
stop eating when they are 80% full.”
Alongside this, many blue
zones make dinner a real social
occasion.
“Prioritise social interactions
during meals, as this is one
of the key themes of these
residents; they all felt a sense
of community, and had strong
relationships with others in their
area,” she adds.
While we can’t promise that
taking on a blue zone diet will
help you live longer or look
10 years younger, many of its
components are a great thing to
implement if you’re looking to
make healthy changes. Whether
it’s cooking with olive oil,
enjoying a glass of red wine,
or a screen-free family dinner
time, we can learn a lot from
the diet and lifestyles of the
blue zone populations in order
to help us to feel happier and
healthier.
Jenna Farmer is a freelance
journalist who specialises in
writing about gut health. She
has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at
abalancedbelly.co.uk

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 63
 A match made in heaven
Take the drama out of dating with these seven essential
tips to look after your mental health while dating
Writing | Elizabeth Bennett
D
ating is an opportunity
to meet interesting
people, enjoy new
experiences, and understand
yourself better, but it isn’t always
an easy process. Dating can bring
issues around self-confidence
and rejection to the surface and,
as a result, our mental health can
easily be impacted, especially if
we are prone to feelings of stress
and anxiety. However, we can
take steps to approach dating
from a mindful and intentional
place – and protect our mental
health in the process.
Take the pressure off
Once you’ve decided you want
to start dating, or perhaps set a
goal to find a romantic partner,
it can be hard to not put pressure
on yourself to achieve this. After
all, high expectations often breed
stress or anxiety. Counsellor
Georgina Sturmer suggests
stepping back for a moment and
thinking about what you can do
to reduce any fears or worries.
“Figure out exactly what’s
stressing you out – maybe it’s
to do with you, or the other
person, or the date itself – and
then reflect on whether there’s
anything that you can control
64 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
or change in order to minimise
your stress levels,” Georgina says.
Prior to a date, she recommends
doing a breathing exercise such
as ‘five finger breathing’ (tracing
your hand with a finger, inhaling
slowly as you travel up, and
exhaling as you move down) to
calm any nerves.
Avoid game play
In the early stages of a budding
romance, we are often fed ideas
about how to play the ‘game’ of
dating. In popular culture, we
see examples of techniques like
‘playing hard to get’, but in reality,
approaching dating from this
perspective leads us to doubt our
instincts, and makes the process
more draining on our energy and
mental health. “You can make
a choice to exit the playground,
and communicate in an adult
way,” Georgina says. “If you role
model this behaviour, then your
date is likely to follow suit.”
Reconsider rejection
Rejection is a natural part of the
dating process, but one that most
of us find difficult. It can be easy
to take rejection personally, falling
down a slippery slope of negative
self-talk, and catastrophising
about our future dating prospects.
Instead, as Georgina points out,
remember that “even though
you’ve been rejected, it doesn’t
mean that there is anything
fundamentally wrong with you”.
To curb these thought patterns,
try to catch yourself when you
start going down a path of
negativity, and maintain a sense of
perspective. “Remember that we
are not all going to be the perfect
match for everyone that we date,”
Georgina emphasises. Instead,
see rejection as redirection on our
journey to meeting a person that
is right for us.
Accept that
sometimes it is tough
Remembering and accepting
that sometimes there will be
challenges is crucial. Never beat
yourself up for feeling this way,
it is a totally understandable
response. “You sometimes might
feel sad, angry, frustrated, or
embarrassed. Notice what’s
going on, and accept that it’s
happening,” Georgina says.
Curb your
social media usage
We all know social media is not
an accurate reflection of real life,

but if we are feeling more low on
confidence than usual, it can be
hard to separate truth from reality.
“Ask yourself what you think
you might find, and whether it’s
likely to make you feel better or
worse at that moment,” Georgina
advises. “If you can take a break
from social media, it will give you
the chance to reflect on what’s
happened with some perspective
and a clear head.”
Look after your
emotional wellbeing
Dating demands vulnerability
and putting ourselves out there,
which can be emotionally
draining. Therefore, it’s
more important than ever to
incorporate routines that allow
us to stay calm and grounded.
“This is different for all of
us,” Georgina says. “Maybe it’s
exercise, journaling, fresh air, or
a walk in the park. If you need
something to stay as part of your
routine, then commit to spending
time looking after yourself.”
Remember, you can’t do
everything alone either; this is
a time when you might need to
Georgina Sturmer
is a counsellor
who specialises in
supporting women.
Visit the Counselling
Directory for more.
lean on your support network
more than before. “Seek out
opportunities to connect with the
people who value you, and make
you feel good,” Georgina adds.
Find opportunities
for distraction
It can be very easy to get stuck
in our own heads, and laser
focused on one area of our lives,
especially when we are dating.
Sometimes we need a break to
gain a fresh perspective, and
seeking out other ways to spend
time is a great way to do this.
“This might involve a new
hobby or distraction,” Georgina
says. “Or perhaps a task that
involves supporting other people,
or volunteering, to activate that
‘helpers high’ and restore your
confidence in yourself.”
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 65
 W H A T I S
T H R E A T M O D E ?
And how can you get it under control?
I
magine something scary just
happened. Maybe you’ve been
asked to stand up and say a few
words at an event, completely off
the cuff. Perhaps you’ve witnessed
something unsettling on the tube.
Or you’ve found yourself in an
unexpected argument.
How would you react? You might
not know the answer right now.
Often we can’t predict exactly
how we’ll respond to a particular
situation until it happens.
However, when you’re feeling
particularly frightened, you might
find yourself in threat mode: a
natural response that places your
body and brain on high alert,
even when there’s no real cause
for alarm.
This survival mechanism
triggers a lot of hormonal and
physiological processes that
ensure you can act quickly when
you’re genuinely in danger – by
jumping out of the way of a
moving vehicle or running away
from a growling dog, for example.
“When we interpret a situation
as threatening, lots of physical
responses occur inside our
bodies,” says psychotherapist
Tania Taylor. “You might feel
anxious, nervous, frightened,
66 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Writing | Victoria Stokes
angry, or stressed. You could
even cry, feel nauseous, or get
butterflies in your stomach.
This happens because our mind
has interpreted a situation as
dangerous, and so it makes
changes to the body to help us
survive a threat.”
When you’re in threat mode,
you’re likely to act in one of
four different ways: fight, flight,
freeze, or fawn. Essentially, you’ll
fight the danger, run from it,
become immobilised, or attempt
to make it better.
Whatever your response, Tania
says these reactions are part of
our evolutionary make up, and
were perfect back in our caveman
days when the threat of being
attacked by a wild animal was
much higher.
Today, though, the likelihood
of fending off a passing wolf or
any other threatening creature
is low, and threat mode becomes
tricky when you feel that fight,
flight, freeze, or fawn reaction
in response to something that
poses no real danger, like an
uncomfortable social situation or
an upcoming job interview.
Not only does it feel very scary
and unpleasant, it can prevent
you from stepping outside of your
comfort zone in the future. It’s
hard to be brave when you feel
under threat, and if something
scares us once, we’re unlikely to
expose ourselves to it again.
Here’s the thing: perceived
danger is a highly individual
concept, and what might trigger
threat mode for one person,
might not for another. That’s
because your likelihood of
experiencing threat mode is
contingent on lots of different
things, e.g. you’re more likely
to have an exaggerated threat
response if you’ve experienced
a traumatic event or have an
anxiety disorder.
So, is it possible to prevent threat
mode? “We don’t ever want to
prevent our survival mode from
being able to occur when it’s
needed,” Tania says. “If there’s
a tiger in our kitchen, we want
our flight response to kick in
immediately so we feel stronger
and can run away faster.”
However, when it comes to
everyday stress – like speaking
up in a meeting or dealing with
conflict – you’re likely to find
responding as though you’re in a
life-or-death situation unhelpful. >>>
 wellbeing

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 67
 “In this instance, introducing similar. If we are regularly living
ways to alleviate stress and empty with anxious feelings, constantly
our metaphorical stress bucket feeling under threat despite not
on a regular basis can be helpful,” having our life threatened, we
says Tania. There are many ways might find that it’s more difficult
to do this, and it’s important to find to cope with an additional
what works best for you. It could stressful event.”
be regular exercise or fresh air, Basically, Consistently keeping
journaling to process your feelings, your stress levels in check can
or using meditation to induce make you feel calmer and more
calm. capable if and when a potentially
Tania says learning to manage threatening event arises.
your levels of stress can make a Say it’s already too late. You’re
massive difference. “We all know faced with a perceived danger and
how much a good night’s sleep you’ve found yourself in threat
can impact on our ability to cope mode. Here are Tania’s in-the-
with the day ahead. Anxiety is very moment tips:
PERCEIVED
DANGER IS
USE A GROUNDING TECHNIQUE TO
RECONNECT WITH YOUR SENSES. A HIGHLY
“Ask yourself: what can I hear, see, smell, touch, and taste,” Tania advises.
INDIVIDUAL
This anchors you to the present moment, and serves as a distraction from
the distress, giving your body time to calm down. CONCEPT, AND
EXPLORE BREATHING EXERCISES. WHAT MIGHT
“Try counting your breath, and with each subsequent breath, gently slow TRIGGER
it down until it feels right for you,” Tania suggests.
THREAT
CUDDLE WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL SAFE.
Cuddling activates the parasympathetic nervous system, and promotes MODE FOR
feelings of relaxation and calm. But don’t be deterred if there’s no one ONE PERSON,
close to you around, as even wrapping your arms around yourself
can help. Research shows a self-hug can alleviate anxiety by releasing MIGHT NOT
endorphins and calming the nervous system.
FOR ANOTHER
Knowledge is often power, and many times, when we understand
why we react the way we do and normalise it, we take away much of its
power. By understanding threat mode and remembering that it’s your
body’s way of keeping you safe, those daily stressors won’t seem quite so
frightening.

68 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Take 5
Press pause on rushing around, and spend a quiet
moment enjoying these brain-teasers

A P X
Circlegram C
Unscramble the word in
each of the three circles to
Y A T
discover the centre letter
that links them all.

K ? A
C I

G E
Emojinary E R
Can you decipher these cities
written in emoji form?

How
di
do? V d you
‘Freeb isit
ies’ se the
shop. c
happ tion on
to fin if
d the ul.com
answ
and m ers,
ore!
 It’s pizza night!
Gather your friends and enjoy this
healthy, homemade pizza recipe

Writing | Jessica Andersson

E
levate your family and Wholemeal vegetable pizza
friends’ pizza nights with a
twist that not only tantalises Ingredients • 2 x 125g buffalo mozzarella
taste buds, but also caters to For the base: • 2 garlic cloves, crushed
your health-conscious side! This • 300ml lukewarm water • 120ml passata
wholemeal vegetable pizza is • 1 tsp sugar • 70g olives
a phytonutrient and fibre-rich • 7g dried yeast • 2 tsp oregano
recipe that transforms the classic • 500g strong wholemeal flour • 2 tbsp olive oil
indulgence into a deliciously • Salt • 2 handfuls of baby spinach,
healthy delight. Easy to prepare, it’s • 3 tbsp olive oil washed
perfect for sharing – making it an
ideal centrepiece for gatherings. For the topping: For a gluten-free version, use
Plus, you can prepare the dough a • 1 courgette buckwheat or quinoa flour for
day in advance, and keep it in the • 4 tomatoes the base, and add a teaspoon of
fridge until ready to use. • 2 red or yellow peppers xanthan gum to the mix.

70 | Issue 85 | happiful.com

Method
• Preheat the oven to 240 C/220 C
o o
fan.
Make the dough:
• In a jug, combine warm water,
sugar, and yeast. Stir well and let
it stand for 10 minutes.
• Sift flour and salt into a bowl,
create a well and pour in the
yeast mixture and olive oil.
• Bring the flour and water
together until a dough forms.
If needed, add a bit more
water. Knead for 5 minutes on
a floured surface. The dough
should not be too sticky.
• Transfer the dough to an oiled
bowl, cover and let it rise in a
warm place for 30 minutes.
Prepare the topping:
• While the dough is rising,
prepare the vegetables. Slice
courgette and tomatoes into
approx 5mm slices. Finely
slice the peppers and tear the
mozzarella into small pieces.
• Punch out the air from the risen
dough and divide it into 4 balls.
Roll each ball out on a floured
board to a 1cm thick, round
shape.
• In a bowl, mix the crushed garlic
with passata. Using a spoon,
spread it evenly onto each base,
leaving a 1cm gap from the edge
(we want a little crust!).
• Add the tomato and courgette
slices, followed by the peppers.
Scatter over the mozzarella
and olives, and sprinkle with
oregano. Drizzle with olive oil.
• Bake in the preheated oven
for 10 to 12 minutes, or until
cooked.
• When the cheese is melted and
the dough is golden, remove it
from the oven. Scatter the pizzas
with the washed spinach, and
serve with a refreshing green
salad on the side.
Fancy something else? Here
are some alternative toppings:
• Opt for goat’s cheese or feta
instead of mozzarella.
• Boost protein with tuna or
cooked chicken pieces.
• Experiment with different
vegetables like sliced
mushrooms, red onions, or
aubergine. These would need
to be lightly sautéed first.
• For a twist on your classic
tomato base, you can use
pesto mixed with goat’s
cheese, and lightly toasted
pine nuts.
The healthy bit
In addition to being delicious,
this pizza contributes to gut
health; high in fibre and
phytonutrients, it nourishes the
good bacteria in our microbiota,
which is crucial for digestion,
metabolism, and general
wellbeing.
The diverse range of
ingredients ensures a broad
spectrum of essential nutrients,
providing the body with the
necessary building blocks for
food & health
overall health. The combination
of protein from the mozzarella,
healthy fats from olive oil, and
complex carbohydrates from
the wholemeal flour creates a
balanced mix of macronutrients.
This helps sustain energy
levels and provides a steady
release of nutrients into the
bloodstream. Wholemeal flour
provides essential minerals like
magnesium and phosphorus,
crucial for maintaining strong
and healthy bones. This is
complemented by the calcium
content in buffalo mozzarella,
which contributes to overall
bone health.
The variety of colourful
vegetables brings an array of
antioxidants which play a vital
role in neutralising free radicals
in the body, supporting cellular
health and potentially reducing
the risk of chronic diseases.
Olive oil, a key ingredient
in the dough and drizzled on
top, is rich in heart-healthy
monounsaturated fats. These
fats have been associated
with improved cardiovascular
health as they can reduce bad
cholesterol levels.
Savour the goodness and make
every bite count towards a
healthier you!
Jessica Andersson is a
nutritional therapist and
chef, dedicated to helping
people improve their health
through personalised
nutrition. Find out more on
the Nutritionist Resource.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 71
 “To change the world takes time;
to change yourself takes courage
RS LOWEL

Photograph | Monstera Production

72 | Issue 85 | happiful.com

On the verge of
vulnerability
We react better to others baring
their souls than ourselves, so how
does this impact our relationships?
Writing | Katie Scott
I
will own that I have a
nervousness about sharing.
Except with a very select
group of people, I have noticed
I won’t admit being scared,
hurt, or struggling until I am in
a situation where someone else
has shown their vulnerability
first. I’m then happy to share, but
it is often couched in terms of “I
feel that too.” I have a tendency to
hold back until someone else has
stepped forward. I feel relieved
by vulnerability in others and
closer to them when they share,
but I feel embarrassed – almost
squeamish – about it in myself.
A now famous series of
seven studies carried out at
the University of Mannheim,
and published in the Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology,
revealed that participants tended
to think that showing their own
vulnerabilities would make them
appear ‘weak and inadequate’.
However, the ‘beautiful mess’
effect kicked in when they spoke
of others’ vulnerability, finding it
endearing and even desirable. >>>
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 73
 We find vulnerability attractive
even in people we don’t know
personally. Author Katherine May
wrote on Substack about Sinéad
O’Connor and “the vulnerability
industry” after the singer’s death
in July 2023. As someone who
has also “worn her heart on
her sleeve” through her books,
Katherine writes: “Vulnerability
sells, and it adds a bankable ring
of authenticity to boot.”
Professor Anna Bruk is Chair
of Cross-Cultural Social and
Personality Psychology at the
University of Mannheim, and
one of the authors of the initial
studies mentioned. So, when
the opportunity to discuss
vulnerability with her arose,
naturally I had many questions.
Firstly, I ask whether our
response to vulnerability in others
is part of our emotional evolution.
While unaware of a study that
looks precisely at this, she argues
that it is an adaptive strategy.
“Humans are social creatures
with a very deep-seated need to
belong,” she explains. “We need
connection to others to survive;
it helps us regulate our nervous
system. Showing vulnerability is a
crucial ingredient in establishing
a real connection.”
Someone revealing their
vulnerability to us is their way
of showing us exactly who they
are, and reaching out to connect.
When we respond positively to
this display of vulnerability, a
connection is established.
74 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Owning our story can be hard but
not nearly as difficult as spending
our lives running from it
However, it doesn’t always follow
that we then feel ready to show
our own vulnerability. That can
feel fraught with danger. We could
be rejected, exposed, appear
weak, or face potential backlash.
Instead of believing that sharing
our vulnerability is a chance to
increase intimacy, we worry that it
will put up a barrier.
Professor Bruk says: “Showing
vulnerability is, by definition,
risky, so a positive outcome is
not guaranteed. If the recipient
of a vulnerability display doesn’t
have the capacity to deal with
messiness of any kind, they
may feel overwhelmed. Healthy
communication of needs may be
deemed as neediness. Healthy
expression of difficult emotions
may be perceived as creating
unnecessary drama. And when
the recipient responds from a
place of overwhelm, the person
who showed vulnerability may
end up feeling rejected by the
reaction.”
How much this impacts
someone is a measure of their
level of self-worth, she continues.
“If they are prone to doubting
themselves, they are likely to
internalise the perceived rejection
and tell themselves: ‘I’m not
good enough.’ If they are self-
compassionate and have a stable
sense of self, they will not take
this reaction personally, and will
see that it’s mostly about the other
person and not them.”
The work of American professor,
author, and podcast host Brené
Brown was a catalyst for the
research carried out by Professor
Bruk and her fellow scientists.
Brown has written and spoken
extensively about how hard it is to
be vulnerable. But she also asks
us to look at what we lose by not
being authentic. “Owning our
story can be hard but not nearly
as difficult as spending our lives
running from it. Embracing our
vulnerabilities is risky, but not
nearly as dangerous as giving up
on love and belonging and joy –
the experiences that make us the
most vulnerable,” she writes.
When we show our vulnerability
because, for example, we want
to deepen a relationship or make
amends after an argument, if we
get a ‘bad reaction’ it will sting, but
shouldn’t be truly damaging. We
can feel good about the decision
we have made to share. However,
a positive reaction will see a
relationship strengthened. This,
Professor Bruk argues, is the basis
of not only a strong relationship,
but a balanced one.

“To create balance in
relationships, we need to set
appropriate boundaries – having
no boundaries creates resentment
due to over-giving, whereas too
rigid boundaries keep people out
and prohibit us from giving to the
relationship in a healthy, generous
way,” Professor Bruk says. “This is
a very vulnerable ‘dance’ for the
vast majority of people.”
We have all felt like a ‘mess’ at
points in our lives, and others
have seen the beauty in us. If we
can only learn to tolerate our own
vulnerability, our relationships
will be able to deepen and evolve.
Three tips to change
your thinking when you
feel ashamed of your
vulnerability
Dr Rosie Gilderthorp, a clinical
psychologist, shares her advice:
1. Start by calming your nervous
system. Shame is one of our
most powerful responses, and it
has a huge impact on the body
and mind, so before we can try
to think differently about the
situation, we must first try to
take control of the body. Begin
by taking some soothing breaths
into the belly, and exhaling until
you completely empty out your
lungs. Breathe in this way for 10
breaths.
2. Reach out to someone you
trust. Shame comes from fear
of rejection. Historically it was
dangerous to ‘fall out of favour’
with ‘the pack’, and shame can be
understood as an attempt to keep
ourselves small to avoid annoying
the more powerful members of
the group. Gaining support from
someone who cares about you is
relationships
therefore the perfect antidote!
Be honest about your situation,
and how you feel about it with
someone you trust. Sharing the
problem and receiving their
compassion will show your
mind and body that you are safe.
3. Finally, you are in a position
to think about your situation
more clearly. Why did this
situation provoke such strong
feelings in you? Often we feel
most strongly about things
which touch upon our core
values. Did you become
emotional because this is
something you really care
about? Strong feelings might
make us feel vulnerable, but
they often hold the key to really
understanding what matters to
us. Is there a way that you can
use these strong feelings to guide
you towards taking action that
fits with your values? Perhaps a
close friend, therapist, or coach
can help you work out what your
emotions are telling you if it
seems confusing at first.
Dr Rosie Gilderthorp is a
clinical psychologist, writer,
podcaster, military wife, and
mum of three. Find out more at
knowyourmindconsulting.com
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 75
 How to support a friend with
an eating disorder
From helping them find the right treatment to reducing anxiety in their day-to-
day life, here we explore different ways you can be there for your friend
E
ating disorders are
notoriously sneaky
conditions. They thrive
in isolation and are often
accompanied by shame, making
them difficult to talk about. But
if you are worried about a friend,
your support and encouragement
could help them gain the courage
needed to find help.
A helpful first step in all of
this is to educate yourself about
eating disorders. This can enable
you to recognise any warning
signs, giving you a nudge to
reach out. It can also help you
to understand how your friend
may be feeling. It’s important
to note that eating disorders
affect people differently, so be
sure to speak to your friend to
acknowledge their first-hand,
personal experience, and avoid
making assumptions.
Once you’re ready to approach
them, here are three steps to
support your friend with an
eating disorder:
HELP THEM OPEN UP
AND GET SUPPORT
Starting a conversation with your
friend about how they’re feeling
76 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Writing | Kat Nicholls
can open the door to the topic HELP TO REDUCE ANXIETY
of eating. If your friend isn’t Once you are aware of your
ready to talk about it, they may friend’s difficulty with food, you
insist everything is fine or that can start to think about ways
they can handle it themselves. you can support them as they
Letting them know you are navigate recovery. An obvious,
there for them when they do but important, thing to do is to
want to chat keeps that door ask your friend how you can best
open for the future. support them. They may have
If they do open up, offering ideas for ways you can help, or
to help them find professional it may simply remind them that
support can be a useful next you’re there for them.
step. You might want to offer to Talk about topics outside of
go with them to see their doctor, their eating disorder. It can be
or help them search online for a easy to let big issues like eating
therapist. disorders become your sole
Assisting with finding reliable focus, but it’s helpful to remind
and positive information can both yourself and your friend
be a great support, too. There is that they are not their disorder.
a lot of eating disorder content Enjoying conversation on things
online, some of which can be that light them up, such as a
harmful. Seeking out recovery- hobby or a TV show they love,
focused, trusted information, can help with this.
and sharing this with your friend With this in mind, also try to
can help them navigate this. avoid talking about calories,
CAN MY FRIEND BE FORCED TO GET HELP?
If your friend with an eating disorder has lost a lot of weight and
is at risk, their doctor may need to section them according to the
Mental Health Act, and admit them to hospital. The doctor will need
to consult with their colleagues to agree to this before it happens.

weight, body shape, diets, or
‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods around
your friend. Hearing others
talk about these subjects can be
distressing when you have an
eating disorder.
Be mindful about the language
you use when talking to your
friend. For example, statements
like “You look well” or “Can’t
you just eat normally” can be
unhelpful or misinterpreted by
those with an eating disorder.
Avoiding commenting on their
Looking to help them find professional support?
Visit Happiful.com to be connected to mental
health and nutrition professionals.
eating/physical appearance in
general is a good rule of thumb.
Keep inviting them to social
events. Like many mental health
conditions, eating disorders can
lead people to isolate themselves,
and withdraw from loved ones.
By continuing to invite them,
you’re reminding them that you
care for them and want to spend
time with them.
Consider activities that don’t
revolve around food. With
the previous point in mind, a
wellbeing
barrier that can hold people
back from socialising is when
the event involves food – such as
a dinner, brunch, or takeaway
night in. Think about activities
that don’t focus on food, such as
crafting, watching a movie, or
playing games. Food may still be
involved, but having it not be the
centre of attention can feel more
manageable to those with eating
disorders.
HELP YOURSELF
Having a friend go through
something difficult can be hard
for everyone involved. You may
feel as though you’ve lost your
friend, or that things won’t ever
be the same. It’s important to
know that recovery is entirely
possible, and that your friend is
still there.
Giving your friend compassion,
support, and understanding is
key – so is supporting yourself.
You may find it helpful to reach
out to a professional, or to
speak to others going through
something similar. Take time for
self-care and remember, looking
after yourself will only help you
provide better support for others
in the long run.
Your friend may be going
through something difficult
right now, but by being there to
listen without judgement, you are
already supporting more than
you know.
happiful.com | Issue 85 | 77
 The ultimate
gua sha routine
For rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation
R
acking up a staggering 3.3
billion views on TikTok,
gua sha is an ancient
tool with a modern fandom.
Traditionally made of stones
such as jade or quartz, the tool
is used to scrape across the skin,
commonly seen used on the face,
although it can be used on the
body as well.
According to China’s Ministry
of Culture and Tourism, the first
recorded use of a gua sha dates
back to the Stone Age, when
it was used as a folk remedy
to ‘scrape away illness’. Even
today, gua sha is performed by a
variety of practitioners including
acupuncturists, massage
therapists, and chiropractors.
The primary appeal to using gua
sha is that it’s thought to promote
blood flow to the area that is being
scraped, which can help with
aches, pains, and tight muscles.
In the case of facial gua sha, it’s
believed that the practice can help
relieve tension, puffiness, and
inflammation.
It’s important to keep in mind
that gua sha is a traditional
medicine technique and, while
78 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
many feel the benefits of its use,
it is not supported by clinical
evidence – and you should
always be wary of ‘miracle cure’
claims that are spread on social
media, such as its ability to
reshape your face or anti-ageing
factors.
That said, gua sha can be an
incredibly soothing practice to
add to your self-care routine.
Taking some time to tune-in
to your body, address areas of
tension, and turn your attention
to yourself, are all beneficial
things to do.
Ready to give it a go? Follow
these steps for three relaxing
gua sha routines.
Soothing facial routine
1. Gua sha works best when you
have some kind of lubricant
on your skin for it to gently
glide over. What you use is
up to you, but a facial toner,
moisturiser, or facial mist are
all great options. Choose what
works best for you and apply
it to your skin.
2. Hold the gua sha with the
curved side to your face. Start
by gently gliding it across your
jawline, starting from the
centre and moving outwards,
five times on each side.
3. Next, move up to your cheeks,
and repeat the gliding motion
five times on each side.
4. Very softly, slowly glide the
gua sha under your eyes,
being careful not to get any of
the product that you are using
in your eyes.
5. Finish with your forehead,
starting from the centre and
moving outwards on each side.
Rejuvenating chest routine
1. Apply body lotion or oil to the
chest area.
2. Begin with the shoulders.
Place your gua sha in the
nape of your neck and move it
steadily outwards. Repeat this
five times on each shoulder.
3. Next, bring your gua sha in
line with your collarbone.
From the centre, follow your
collarbone outwards, applying
only gentle pressure. Repeat
this five times on each side.
4. Finish by repeating the pattern
under your collarbone.
 Partnered back routine
1. Apply body lotion or oil across
the back.
2. Begin by gently moving the
gua sha outwards, starting
from the spine, and repeat this
five times on each side.
3. Repeat this motion as you
slowly move down the back.
Communicate with the person
you are working on, to watch
out for any particularly tender
areas where you may wish
to apply lighter pressure, or
spend more time on.
4. Once you have reached the
bottom of the back, it’s time
to turn your attention to the
spine. If your gua sha has an
indent, you may wish to place
it over the spine, so the gua sha
applies tension on either side
of the spine. If it is a flat gua
sha, you may instead wish to
stick to one side of the spine
at a time. Slowly move the gua
sha up the spine, once again
making sure to check in about
the pressure. Repeat this five
times overall if your gua sha
touches both sides of the spine,
or five times on each side if
Are there any risks I should be aware of? you do one at a time.
Generally, gua sha is safe for most people, as long as you don’t
apply too much pressure. It is, however, advised that people Gua sha should leave you feeling
who take blood thinners or have a history of blood clots soothed and relaxed, and could
should speak to their doctor before trying gua sha. become a staple of your self-
If you are using oils, ensure that they are skin-safe, don’t use care routine. So, try out these
them over inflamed or open skin, and stop immediately if the routines, or follow your intuition,
oils begin to irritate your skin. and let the stress of the day fade
away.

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 79
 How to protect your
mental health when
you’re self-employed
Being your own boss is tough, and can
threaten your emotional wellbeing, but there
are some simple hacks that can help you
enjoy the freedom and flexibility it offers
Writing | Victoria Stokes

W
hat motivated you to
become self-employed?
Perhaps it was the
draw of being your own boss, the
freedom and flexibility to work
how you want when you want, or
the appeal of there being no cap
on your earnings.
You might have made the
transition to self-employment
fully prepared for what working
for yourself entails. Or, like
many people, you may have
underestimated the effect being
your own boss can have on your
mental health.
Whether it’s financial
uncertainty, and the knowledge
that a slow month could be
right around the corner, the
loneliness of working by yourself,
or the stress of having to figure
everything out on your own, self-
employment can be taxing.
Throw in a pandemic and a cost-
of-living crisis, and being your
own boss can be a major threat to
your mental health and emotional
wellbeing.
A survey for the Association of
Independent Professionals and
the Self-Employed found that 50%
of self-employed people worry
about irregularity of income, 46%
feel unprepared for retirement,
and 39% feel anxious about not
getting paid on time.
What’s more, the same
study found that two-thirds of
freelancers are experiencing less
demand for work post-pandemic,
and are worried their income will
drop as a result.
On top of all that, self-
employment can create a cycle of
overworking. When your income
is directly linked to your output,
and how much you earn depends
on how hard you work, it’s easy
to suppress feelings of stress,
overwhelm, and burnout in the
name of earning a living.
“Self-employment can be hard
on your mental health for lots
of reasons – holding the sole
burden of responsibility, financial
instability, fewer boundaries
around work demands – and

80 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
 Checklist:
interestingly, the type of people
Create your own wellness plan
drawn to self-employment may
even be vulnerable to mental Check-in with yourself regularly
health issues by virtue of their
Build stress-relieving moments into your day
personality features,” says clinical
psychologist Dr Gemma Harris Set realistic goals (and cut yourself slack)
(@theexdoctor). Network with other self-employed people
If you’re prone to perfectionism
and high personal expectations,
Gemma says you may be more
likely to favour performance
outcomes over self-care.
And, if you’re a business owner
who is driven by their internal
critic, you might regularly find
yourself in ‘threat mode’, a state
which is associated with poor
mental and physical health (read
more on p66).
Perhaps you’ve been there:
constantly fearing that you’re one
bad month away from collapse, or
that a problem will arise and you
simply won’t know how to fix it.
If self-employment is crushing
your spirit, there’ll likely be some
telltale signs. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 85 | 81
 “Common indicators of stress
include disrupted sleep patterns,
changes in appetite, increased
anxiety and irritability, withdrawal
and isolation, and reduced
motivation,” Gemma says.
You might also find that you
increasingly feel overwhelmed and
out of control, and you’ve lost the
love for the thing you once adored
doing. Be on the lookout for signs
of burnout, too. It can manifest as
a sharp drop in productivity, being
physically and emotionally drained,
and feeling helpless, trapped,
defeated, or resentful.
Fortunately, minding your
mental health while navigating the
challenges of being your own boss is
not a losing battle.
Gemma encourages you to set up a
wellness plan, one that allows you to
check in with yourself regularly.
“Self-employment can be a
hard setup for mental health, so
recognise that these challenges are
very common and understandable,”
she advises. “The demands of
self-employment can activate a
chronic state of fight-or-flight, and
so creating regular hacks to reset the
body and mind are necessary.”
These hacks could be regular
breaks scattered throughout your
day, deep breathing exercises when
you feel stressed, or going out to
meet a friend for a coffee when you
need a chat or to vent. The trick is
making these habits a priority.
Chances are, if you’re working for
yourself, you’re a bit of a go-getter.
Being ambitious is a great thing, but
it can often lead to unrealistic goal-
setting – a habit that only adds fuel
to the overwork fire.
So, if you’ve set yourself ambitious
business or financial targets,
Reach out to fellow
freelancers, and
you might just find
that they know
exactly what you’re
going through
consider lowering the bar. It will
allow you to take a more relaxed
approach to business, and counter
any feelings of failure you have
when you fall short of those
original goals. Given that financial
instability is one of the biggest
stressors, it makes good sense to
put away some savings while you
work as well.
One more thing that could be
completely transformational?
Make some self-employed friends.
Networking might make you
groan, but nobody understands
the challenges of self-employment
quite like the people who are doing
it themselves. Reach out to fellow
freelancers, and you might just
find that they know exactly what
you’re going through.
As for that survey we mentioned
before, it found that 83% of
freelancers feel the rewards they
get from self-employment outweigh
the risks, so there are positives to
take from that.
Self-employment can be a tough
slog, but generally speaking, it gives
you the freedom and flexibility
to work when you want, so take
advantage of that if you’re feeling
burned out. A half day on a Friday,
or starting your workday an hour
later, could make the world of
difference.
In a world that glamourises being
your own boss, and offers us only
examples of businesses that have
become overnight successes, it’s
little wonder that most of us are
unprepared for just how tough
freelancing can be.
There’s comfort in knowing
that you’re not alone and that by
reaching out, cutting yourself some
slack, and taking a breather, you
can find a way through.

82 | Issue 85 | happiful.com
 ISSUE 85
£5.99
H & WELLBEING
MENTAL HEALT
DEVOTED TO

Where to find help

Cover illustration | Rosan Magar

DISCOVER

A step in
Loudoud the right
pr limit
direction talk
There’s no age Why is walk and ful?
on letting your therapy so power
true self shine

Looking for support with your mental health?

Here are some places that can help:
Repeat
Vulnerability
CRISIS SUPPORT after me
The surprising be
habit that could
anxiety
maste rclass
to bare your
How
without fear
soul
of rejection
soothing your
holding you back

If you are in crisis and are concerned for BITING | GUA

SHA ROUTINES
MODE | NAIL
RE | THREAT

your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E

| TREAT CULTU
GOOD NEWS

Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them

at jo@samaritans.org
Finished with
your magazine?
GENERAL LISTENING LINES Why not…

SANEline • Pass me on to a friend who

SANEline offers support and information might appreciate some articles.
from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000 • Get crafty and use me for a
vision board or collage.
• Keep me on a coffee table to
Mind
pick up when you need a boost
Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank
• Remember I’m 100% recyclable,
holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk
so pop me in your recycling bin.
Switchboard
Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from
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EXPLORE CBT & TALKING THERAPY

p22 To connect with a counsellor and to understand more
about CBT, head to’ counselling-directory.org.uk

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts.

INFORMATION ON ANXIETY
p66 Gain a better understanding of what it means to live with
anxiety, common causes, and guidance at anxietyuk.org.uk
SUPPORT WITH EATING DISORDERS
p76 Find information for those with eating disorders
and their loved ones at beateatingdisorders.org.uk
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