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Self-Therapy, Vol. 3 - A Step-by-Step Guide To Using IFS For Eating Issues, Procrastination, The Inner Critic, Depression, Perfectionism, Anger, Communication, and More (PDFDrive)
Self-Therapy, Vol. 3 - A Step-by-Step Guide To Using IFS For Eating Issues, Procrastination, The Inner Critic, Depression, Perfectionism, Anger, Communication, and More (PDFDrive)
Self-Therapy, Vol. 3 - A Step-by-Step Guide To Using IFS For Eating Issues, Procrastination, The Inner Critic, Depression, Perfectionism, Anger, Communication, and More (PDFDrive)
3
A Step-by-Step Guide to Using IFS for
Eating Issues, Procrastination, the Inner
Critic, Depression, Perfectionism, Anger,
Communication, and More Jay Earley,
PhD
SelfTherapy, Vol. 3: A Step-by-Step Guide to Using IFS for Eating Issues,
Procrastination, the Inner Critic, Depression, Perfectionism, Anger,
Communication, and More
Copyright © 2016 by Jay Earley. All rights reserved.
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the
copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
FIRST EDITION AMAZON eBOOK
When you feel ashamed, hopeless, inadequate, or just plain awful about
yourself, it’s usually because an Inner Critic part is attacking you. Inner Critics
do this in a variety of ways, but most commonly they pummel you with negative
messages about your self-worth. They may criticize your looks, your work
habits, your intelligence, the way you care for others, or any number of other
things.
They may:
• evaluate and judge your feelings and behavior and sometimes your core
self
• The Perfectionist
• The Taskmaster
• The Underminer
• The Destroyer
• The Conformist
Each type of Critic has a different motivation and strategy, so identifying which
Critics are affecting you can be quite useful. Let’s look at each of the seven
types of Critics.
The Perfectionist
The Perfectionist tries to get you to do everything perfectly. It has very
high standards for behavior, performance, production, and appearance. When
you don’t meet its standards, the Perfectionist attacks you by saying that your
work or behavior isn’t good enough, which makes it hard to finish projects.
Sometimes the Perfectionist even makes it difficult to get started, as with
writer’s block. We will discuss this further in Chapter 4.
Think of a way that one of your Inner Critic parts attacks you.
Each row in this chart represents one dimension in the Pattern System. A
dimension represents an area of psychological functioning. Each of the
dimensions in this chart, except for the first, is based on one of the seven types
of Inner Critics, which is in the far left column of each row (the Tight Patterns).
The first dimension, the Self-Esteem Dimension, deals with the Inner Critic
Pattern in general before breaking it down into the seven types.
The patterns in the left column are called Tight Patterns because they
involved constricting who you are and making you feel uptight and bad about
yourself. The Loose Patterns, in the right column, are the opposites of the Inner
Critic Patterns in the left column. When you have one of those patterns
activated, you tend to be overly loose in your feelings and behavior in a way that
can get you in trouble.
The Order Capacities, in the left inner column, are the healthy versions of
the Inner Critic Patterns. They tend to provide order and stability in your life and
help you get things done in a conscientious way. For example, in the
Accomplishment Dimension, the healthy version of the Taskmaster is Work
Confidence, which involves confidently accomplishing tasks without pushing or
judging yourself. The Freedom Capacities, in the right inner column, are the
capacities that transform the Inner Critic Patterns. They allow you the freedom
to truly be yourself and feel good about yourself. For example, in the
Accomplishment Dimension, the capacity that transforms the Taskmaster is
Ease, which involves accomplishing tasks in an easy, relaxed way.
However, when she worked with her Critic using IFS, she became openly
interested in getting to know the Attacker and discovered its positive intent. Here
is what the Attacker said to Sarah: Attacking was a game in our family. They
were all doing it, so I had to do it, too, and I had to be good at it. If they were
going to do that to me, then I wanted to do it to myself first so they couldn’t do it
to me worse. This gave me the power of not being hurt by them. I was trying to
protect this child part (which Sarah called the Scared Kid) from being hurt by
them and from feeling all that hate and criticism from the family. That was too
painful, so if I hurt the Scared Kid instead, it wasn’t so bad because I was the
one hurting her—not the people she really wanted love from.
Later in the session, when the Attacker was reluctant to give up its role, I
had Sarah explain that it had an impossible job trying to protect the Scared Kid.
It said, “It’s hard to believe that you could help the Scared Kid when I couldn’t
do it. It was my job. I had to be able to do it. I now realize that I’m just this little
kid, and I’m trying to protect this other kid.”
When Sarah and I heard this sentiment, we both had tears in our eyes.
The Attacker was actually a child part that was intent on protecting the Scared
Kid from pain. This is so different from the way we usually think of our Critics.
This understanding was moving for Sarah (as well as for me), and it made it easy
for her to feel compassion and caring for the Attacker. She saw that the real
Attacker had been revealed, like the little man behind the curtain in The Wizard
of Oz. And Sarah’s image of the Attacker changed. Now she saw it as a
frightened girl who was doing her best to act tough to prevent a terrible tragedy.3
Therapist Note
If your client accesses his or her Criticized Child when trying to work
with his or her Inner Critic, explain that this is the Criticized Child, not the
Critic, and ask the client to find his or her Inner Critic and focus on it. Even if
the client is drawn to help his or her Criticized Child, it is usually better to work
with the Critic first. This goes along with the general IFS guideline to work with
protectors first.
When you get to the unblending step, make sure to unblend from both the
Critic and the Child, if necessary. This unblending can sometimes be
accomplished by simply recognizing that the bad feeling you have about
yourself isn’t the truth but rather the result of Inner Critic attacks. You can also
unblend from the Critic in the way you would unblend from any other protector
—by asking it to separate from you so you can get to know it or by stepping
back from it internally.
Here is an illustration of unblending from both the Critic and the Child.
They have stepped aside, and the Self resides in the seat of consciousness,
shining the flashlight of awareness on them.
To help the Criticized Child unblend, take a few moments to access a
nurturing side of you—an aspect of Self or a caring part of you. Now focus on
the sad, painful feelings that are coming from the Criticized Child. Let it know
that you understand its hurt and feel compassion for it. Give the Child some time
to take in your caring. Then ask the Child if it would be willing to step aside into
a safe place where you will protect it from the Critic. Explain that you (as Self)
will be connecting with the Critic, and you won’t allow the Critic to attack the
Child. Having the Child step aside will allow you to get to know the Critic from
the place of Self. In this illustration, the Child is being taken care of by a
nurturing part while the Self is focusing on getting to know the Critic.
Here is how I helped Sarah unblend from her Criticized Child:
Jay: Check to see how you’re feeling toward the Attacker right now.
Sarah: Well, I’m really scared of it.
J: OK, that probably means that you’re blended with the Scared Kid. So
ask the Kid if it would be willing to step aside into a safe place. And let it know
that we’re going to work with the Attacker to understand it and connect with it.
And we’re not going to let it do more attacking. We’re going to try to connect
with it. See if the Scared Kid would be willing to step aside for you to do that.
S: Yeah, so now it has stepped aside.
2. What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t judge me?
A difficulty is that Critics are more likely to mistrust you and not really
answer your questions at first. Sometimes a Critic will say that it isn’t trying to
accomplish anything. “You are just a loser (or worthless, or whatever), and I just
want you to know that.” Don’t accept this. Critics are never just giving you
information about your shortcomings. They always have a reason for attacking
you. Ask your Critic to answer your question about its motivation for criticizing
you.
If a Critic doesn’t tell you about its motivation, it often means that the
Critic doesn’t believe that you truly want to get to know it. It believes that you
just want to overpower it or get rid of it. This belief isn’t all that surprising,
because there are probably parts of you that do want to get rid of it—namely,
your Inner Defender parts. In fact, often those parts have been quite actively
trying to combat the Critic. It’s no wonder the Critic isn’t ready to trust you
easily.
Make sure that you are truly in Self with the Critic, and be persistent in
asking it to answer your questions. The Critic will eventually come around.
Ask if it would be willing to step aside (or relax) just for now so you can
get to know the Critic part from an open place. Explain that doing this will
help you to connect with the Critic and help it to change, and that you
won’t let the Critic take over and attack.
If the Defender is willing to step aside, check again to see how you feel
toward the Critic, and repeat.
If it still won’t step aside, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did, and
reassure it about its fears.
How did you contribute to developing a trusting relationship with this Critic?
Ask the Critic to notice that it is causing this unwanted behavior. This
information will give it even more motivation to stop its attacks. Now ask the
Critic if it might be willing to relax and decrease its judgments. It will often
agree.
If it isn’t ready to shift, ask the Critic what it is afraid would happen if it
let go of judging. It may still feel that its protection is necessary. When you find
out what it is afraid of that makes it judge you, reassure it about these concerns.
If the Critic is willing, see if it wants to choose another role in your psyche.
Perhaps it would be willing to modulate its statements to a more benign form
and become an Inner Mentor (see below).
Introducing the Child to the Critic is useful either before or after the
Child has been healed (or partially healed). Sometimes the Inner Critic can’t let
go of its judgmental role even after the Child has been healed. In this case,
introducing the wounded Child to the Critic can facilitate this process.
Introducing the Child to the Critic doesn’t work with all Critics. Some
Critics already know they are harming the Child. For example, Underminer
Critics hurt the Criticized Child purposely to undermine your self-confidence so
you won’t take risks that they think are dangerous. For these Critics, this
introduction won’t be effective.
• You have the right to work reasonable hours so you can enjoy the rest of
your life.
Hearing these statements helped George feel confident and relaxed at work and
take time for his family and leisure activities.
Earlier I introduced the Inner Defender, the part of you that argues with
your Inner Critic and tries to convince it that you really are a good person. The
Inner Champion is the healthy version of the Inner Defender. It doesn’t fight
with the Inner Critic, though it may set some limits on the Critic in a mature
way. The main thing your Inner Champion does is support you (and your
Criticized Child) in the face of the Critic’s attacks. It helps you feel self-
confident not by fighting with the Critic but rather by supporting and
encouraging you. This way doesn’t lead to inner discord. Your Inner Champion
helps you feel good about yourself and be free to be yourself.
The Inner Champion is like an ideal parent; the Inner Defender is more
like a rebellious teenager. The Inner Champion creates space from the Inner
Critic attacks; the Inner Defender constricts you to protect against hurt. The
Inner Champion implicitly acknowledges the Criticized Child and becomes a
resource for it.
The Inner Champion can set limits on the Critic by making statements
such as:
• Now is not a good time for this.
• You are beautiful and whole just the way you are.
• Your struggles just represent where you are now in your growth.
• You have the right to take your time and do things at your own pace.
When this Inner Critic gets activated in your life, evoke the image of
your Inner Champion. Imagine this figure saying positive Inner Champion
statements to you.
This chart shows how the Inner Critic is polarized with the Inner
Defender/Inner Rebel, shown by the two-way arrow between them. On the other
hand, the healthy capacities—the Inner Mentor and Inner Champion—are
integrated and work together. This is shown by putting them in a yin-yang
symbol. The Inner Champion is the healthy version of the Inner Defender/Rebel,
and the Inner Mentor is the healthy version of the Inner Critic. The Inner
Champion helps transform the Critic, and the Inner Mentor helps transform the
Inner Defender/Rebel.
At the bottom of the graphic, you can see that the Criticized Child is
protected by the Inner Defender/Rebel and harmed by the Inner Critic. And the
Protected Child is protected by the Inner Critic. In those cases where the
Criticized and Protected Child are the same, the Critic is both protecting and
harming that Child.
Summary
This chapter has presented the basics of how to transform an Inner Critic
using IFS. For more details, applications, and stories, see Freedom from Your
Inner Critic. To learn more about the different types of Critics and their
corresponding Inner Champions, see Activating Your Inner Champion Instead of
Your Inner Critic. I have also developed an online tool, SelfTherapy Journey,19
for personal growth and psychological healing, which contains modules for the
Inner Critic plus five of the specific types of Inner Critics—Taskmaster,
Perfectionist, Food Controller, Underminer, and Destroyer.
Chapter 2
Procrastination
Do you find yourself avoiding important tasks? Is it hard for you to make
decisions and take action to move your life ahead? When you are faced with a
project you have decided to work on, do you get distracted or busy with other
tasks? Is it difficult for you to discipline yourself to exercise, meditate, or eat
well? If you answered yes to some of these questions, you are one of the many
people struggling with procrastination.
Procrastination usually happens out of awareness, except for those
situations where you sit down to do a task and can’t bring yourself to get started.
If you are a procrastinator, you probably don’t decide not to do a task that needs
to be done. You just go along with your life, and after a while you realize that
you haven’t done the task. You may get distracted with other things. You may
get lost in thought. You might spend time online, relaxing, partying, having fun.
You might work hard doing things that are less important than the task you are
avoiding. Or you may simply forget about the task.
What negotiation was necessary for both parts to agree to the resolution?
Follow up in the situations in your life when you usually procrastinate,
and make sure to reassure the Procrastinator in the moment that it can let go.
Focus on doing the task. Ask the Taskmaster to relax, too, if necessary.
Summary
This chapter has shown how to use IFS to resolve procrastination issues.
For more information, see my book Taking Action or the Procrastination Pattern
in my web application, SelfTherapy Journey.26
Chapter 3
Eating Issues
with Bonnie Weiss, LCSW
We can’t begin to talk about eating unless we talk about hunger. Hunger
is one of our most primary needs and one of the earliest ways that we interact
with our environment. It is what brings us back to our caretakers and how we
learned about the nature of the world. Through our hunger we learn if we are
safe, if our needs will be recognized and satisfied, if our caretakers will respond
to us appropriately, and what love is.
Bonnie says: “In my years of working with people, I have noticed that
the psychological hallmark of eating issues is the conflicts people have around
their needs. If you have a food addiction, you may not recognize when you are
really hungry, what you are hungry for, and when you are full. You may not
realize what other needs you have that are masked by your obsession with food.
When you explore inside, you may find that your constant thinking about food
has distracted you from feeling other unmet needs.”
Our issues about hunger come from conflicts about how we care for
ourselves, leading to low self-esteem and people-pleasing behavior. This
includes the following: • Taking care of others instead of yourself
• Believing that you don’t have the permission, time, or resources to pay
attention to your needs
The Indulger
Begin your IFS work by focusing on the part of you that is responsible
for your out-of-control eating. We call this the Indulger. This part may cause
unconscious eating, which involves just putting things in your mouth out of habit
without thinking. Your Indulger might drive binge eating, which involves
distracting yourself from pain by consuming large quantities of food, despite the
fact that you may be trying to control your eating. Or you might just go
unconscious while you are eating and not stop when you are full.
The Foggy Part often appears when there is unconscious conflict about
what you are feeling or eating. When the Foggy Part teams up with the Indulger,
it can cause you to dissociate and lose awareness of what you are eating, how
much you have eaten, and when you have passed the “full point.”
For example, suppose that an exile is triggered by something that has
happened in your life—for example, an interaction with your boss or spouse
where you felt hurt or rejected. Your Indulger is ready to jump in and soothe the
exile so you don’t become overwhelmed by its emotional pain. You may have a
healthy part that says, “I don’t think you should eat that whole bag of cookies.”
Or your Food Controller may see the train wreck coming and start calling you
names to stop you. The Foggy Part may cloud you over so you aren’t aware of
what is going on so you can go unconscious and eat.
The Foggy Part can work to prevent internal change and growth. If you
are working on yourself—for example, trying to eat consciously—the Foggy
Part may confuse you and cause you to lose track of what you are feeling or
focusing on. The Foggy Part might do this because it is afraid of change and
wants to keep your status quo. When you set an intention to create change, the
fog may roll in and cause you to become distracted, confused, or depressed.
A major motivation for the Foggy Part is to protect you from being
overwhelmed by painful feelings from your past that are starting to arise. The
confusion and fog prevent you from being in touch with shame, fear, grief, or the
other painful feelings held by your exiles.
As you are doing IFS work, you may notice your Foggy Part arising and
disrupting the therapy process. Or you may become aware that your Foggy Part
is a major ally of your Indulger in permitting you to overeat without being aware
of this. Then you will need to spend time using IFS to transform your Foggy
Part. Treat it like any other protector. Don’t be fooled into thinking that the
fogginess is just a physiological reaction. You can get your Foggy Part to talk
with you, find out its positive intent, connect with it, and heal the exiles it is
protecting. Then it is likely to let go of its need to create fog.
If you did heal them, did this permit the Indulger to let go?
Most people think that if only the Food Controller could be completely in
charge, the Indulger wouldn’t act out, and everything would be just fine.
However, the irony is that the more stringent the Controller is, the stronger the
Indulger becomes. Or if the Food Controller is able to stay in charge, it becomes
so rigid and ascetic that it doesn’t allow you to be in touch with your sensuality
and enjoy the pleasures of life. It is too afraid that if it allowed you to do these
things, you would slip back into food addiction. Of course, in some cases, it
might be right.
The Food Controller and Indulger are constantly engaged in a power
struggle inside you. Sometimes they battle it out in eating situations—for
example, when you’re in front of the fridge at night or at a party with friends. At
other times, the Food Controller takes over for a while, and you are very careful
with your diet. Then the Indulger takes over, and you go on an eating binge.
Then afterward, the Food Controller takes back control and shames you
unmercifully for overdoing it.
The Food Controller truly wants to do what’s best for you, but it goes
about this in a harsh, punitive way that doesn’t work and causes a lot of pain.
Your Food Controller may have learned this strategy by modeling itself after the
way your parents tried to control you as a child.
When the Food Controller attacks you after an indulgence, the Criticized
Child (see Chapter 1) is the part of you that receives the brunt of the attacks. It
feels ashamed of your indulging and believes that it is inadequate and deeply
flawed. The Criticized Child often promises to do better, but the Indulger may
engage in binge eating to cover up the feeling of shame. Thus the effort of the
Food Controller often backfires and provokes the very behavior it is trying to
stop.
The Food Controller may be active even if your current eating habits
aren’t out of line. It may not have an accurate picture of who you are today; it
may think it must control your eating even when this isn’t necessary. However,
in this chapter, we will focus on situations in which the Indulger is indeed
overeating and the Controller is reacting to this.
In order to fully resolve your eating issues, you often need to heal and
transform both the Food Controller and the Indulger. You will need to get to
know your Food Controller, discover its positive intent, and connect with it. It is
probably also protecting an exile, so this exile may need to be healed before the
Controller can fully let go. For example, if you were ridiculed by your peers for
being fat as a child, your Food Controller will be trying to protect you from the
exile who is carrying that shame.
The Rebel
In addition to the Indulger, a defiant part, the Rebel, may get triggered.
The Inner Rebel doesn’t want to let the Food Controller control you. It may
purposely overeat just to prove that it can’t be pushed around. The Rebel is
trying to preserve your autonomy, but it goes overboard, causing excessive
levels of food addiction. Bonnie says, “In my eating classes, identifying the
Rebel Part helps clarify a great deal of previously mysterious behavior for
people who struggle with out-of-control eating.”
The Rebel bristles at the commands of the Food Controller and (overtly
or covertly) refuses to be bullied or bossed around. It often behaves in direct
opposition to the demands of the Food Controller by saying, “Oh yeah? You
can’t tell me what to do!” or “Oh, you say I can’t eat that cookie. Watch me eat
the whole box!”
A close cousin of this Inner Rebel is the Outer Rebel. This part fights
against authority. It doesn’t like to be told what to do or how to be. It can’t
recognize that another person might want good things for you. The Rebel wants
to preserve your autonomy. It wants you to be free to do what you want. So the
Rebel automatically fights any efforts to corral or control it, even healthy
attempts to eat moderately. It may trash diet plans or purposely eat unhealthy
foods in front of people, daring them to say something.
The Rebel is like a teenager or a defiant child fighting against a parent. It
can arise covertly as tension in your body, or it might pop out in a defiant
reaction to someone who is trying to help you with your eating. Your Rebel
might even act out flagrantly by eating forbidden food, refusing to exercise, or
not taking care of yourself in other ways. Or the Rebel may be more indirect by
sneaking snacks, buying unhealthy food, or creating turmoil that it knows will
give you an excuse to indulge. If there is someone in your life who is acting as
an outer Food Controller, explain to that person how his or her efforts just
trigger your Outer Rebel. Let the person know that you are working on your
eating issue, and ask him or her to refrain from trying to help you.
When the Food Controller and the Indulger are polarized, the Rebel is
allied with the Indulger and at war with the Food Controller because it is
concerned about not being dominated by the Controller. Once you can contact
your Rebel and appreciate how it is trying to stand up for you in the face of a
harsh Food Controller, it will be easier to befriend it and use its energy to work
with you rather than against you. You might also need to spend time healing the
exile being protected by the Rebel, which would be a part that was dominated or
pushed too much by a parent.
You may need to work directly with the polarization between the Food
Controller and the Indulger/Rebel.28 After you connect with these parts, arrange
for them to talk with each other and learn how to cooperate rather than battling.
This will help the whole eating situation to calm down inside you.
What did you need to do to get permission from both parts for the dialogue?
What negotiation needed to happen before both parts could agree to the
resolution?
Follow up in the situations in your life when you usually overeat, and
make sure to reassure the Indulger in the moment that it can let go. Ask the Food
Controller to relax, too, if necessary.
Self-Care Capacities
If you struggle with eating issues, you may not have permission to know
what your needs are and take care of them. If you didn’t receive consistent
loving attention as a child, you may have come to believe that other people are
more important than you and that your needs don’t matter. You may not believe
that you are valuable and deserving of gentle, loving attention.
If the focus of your childhood was on meeting rigid expectations, being
good, or performing, you may have learned to ignore pleasure. Now when you
move toward something that will give you pleasure, you may feel guilty or
conflicted.
Just as it is important to transform the parts that cause you to overeat, it is
also important to develop healthy parts that will help you take care of yourself in
positive ways.
First is the Conscious Consumption Capacity. At its core, the Food
Controller wants you to take care of yourself. When it is transformed from its
extreme role, it becomes the Conscious Consumption Capacity. With this
capacity, you have the ability to stay grounded in your body and be aware of
your eating. You pay attention to the bodily cues that let you know that you need
something, and you can sense what you need. If you are hungry, you can tell
what you are hungry for, and you can stop eating when you are satiated. If it
isn’t hunger, you can identify what else you need—maybe love, contact, or
sensuality. You aren’t conflicted about satisfying your needs, and you can
choose between meeting your needs now or waiting until later.
With the Conscious Consumption Capacity, you can make appropriate
choices about healthy eating and nourish yourself in a loving ways without being
overly focused on food. You won’t want to eat when you’re not hungry, you
won’t overeat, and you will choose healthy foods. This will allow you to lose
weight and keep it off!
The other healthy part is the Pleasure Capacity, which emerges from the
transformed Indulger. When your Pleasure Capacity is activated, you believe
that you have the right to take care of yourself and to give yourself pleasure in
healthy ways. You know that you deserve to be nurtured and taken care of. You
approach eating and other forms of self-care with open anticipation. You are
responsive to stimulation through all of your senses—looking at and smelling
food, cooking, and eating.
You also enjoy other forms of pleasure such as listening to music, being
outdoors, being gently touched, stretching your body, and engaging in athletics,
dancing, and sexuality. If you need something other than food, you can tell what
that is—what would give you pleasure. For example, you know whether you
need tension relief, sensory stimulation, social connection, privacy, physical
activity, or something else. You know how to give yourself pleasure at any
moment—for example, taking a walk, getting a massage, listening to music,
cooking a meal, lying down and resting, or calling a friend.
Because you can fully take in and enjoy pleasure, you don’t have to
engage in it impulsively or overdo it. Your needs get satisfied in a natural,
sensuous way, and then they spontaneously recede and your attention moves on
to other things.
It is useful to develop an Inner Champion (see Chapter 1) that supports
your right to have the Pleasure Capacity of sensuality and aliveness. Your Inner
Champion is like a loving parent who supports you in caring for yourself and
feeling good. You can develop an Inner Mentor (Chapter 1) that supports
Conscious Consumption—the moderation you need in your life. Your Inner
Mentor will help you stay in control of your eating in a caring, encouraging way,
without being harsh and judgmental.
Let’s look at a graphic that shows these parts and their relationships:
The Food Controller and Indulger/Rebel are polarized, and the Foggy
Part is sometimes aligned with the Indulger. The healthy capacities of Conscious
Consumption and Pleasure naturally integrate with each other so that you can
have both at the same time. If you have the Indulger/Rebel Pattern, you need to
develop Conscious Consumption to transform it. If you have a Food Controller,
you need to develop Pleasure to transform it.
To summarize: In order to fully resolve your eating issues, you may need
to do the following:
• Get to know your Food Controller, and heal the exile(s) it is protecting.
• Get to know your Rebel Part, and heal the exile(s) it is protecting.
• Get to know your Foggy Part, and heal the exile(s) it is protecting.
Summary
This chapter has shown how to use IFS to work with eating issues.
Bonnie Weiss periodically offers a course on using IFS with eating issues, and
she has a recorded version of this course available.30 SelfTherapy Journey, my
web application for personal growth, has a module for eating issues.31 You can
also take a quiz32 to help you discover the underlying motivation behind your
eating issues.
Chapter 4
Perfectionism
Do you feel that the work you produce is never good enough? Do you
work endlessly on projects or run them right up to the deadline? Is it hard for
you to even start on a project because you fear it won’t be good enough? Do you
sit staring at your computer, unable to get going? Do you feel that your
appearance, your home, or your children must be perfect or else you are a
failure? Do you believe that making a mistake is the worst thing you can do?
If you answered yes to some of these questions, you have a need to be
perfect that goes far beyond what is actually required for excellence. This
overblown demand on yourself can get in the way of your getting jobs done on
time because you spend far too much time on them. Or it can lead you to
procrastinate and avoid working on projects.
Perfectionism can cause you to be uptight and worried much of the time.
It can keep you from being relaxed and having fun and joy in life. It can
unbalance your life because you spend far too much time on work or other
attempts to be perfect, which leaves little time for family, friends, love, and
creativity.
Of course, there may be a few situations in which you need to be perfect,
or nearly so, for example, if you are proofreading or competing in gymnastics.
But if you find yourself trying to be perfect much of the time when it isn’t really
needed, this indicates a Perfectionist Pattern. The best way to determine whether
or not you have a Perfectionist Pattern is to examine your motivation for trying
to be perfect. If the situation calls for perfection or if you genuinely want to do
an excellent job, you aren’t being a Perfectionist. However, if you are driven by
a fear of not being perfect or a need for approval, you probably are.
If you have the Perfectionist Pattern strongly, you may find that you
often can’t turn in a project until you have reached the absolute deadline, or you
may consistently turn in work late. You may be afraid to finish a project because
then you run the risk of exposing your shortcomings and being judged or, worse,
ridiculed.
If your Perfectionist Pattern includes self-judgment about not being
perfect, it is also a Perfectionist Inner Critic.33 The Perfectionist Inner Critic is a
part of you, reminiscent of a disapproving parent or teacher, that judges you
harshly, saying that your efforts are “stupid,” “lazy,” or “sloppy.” You hold
these beliefs regardless of what other people say to the contrary. You might also
have difficulty accepting others’ praise for your work. Your Perfectionist Critic
focuses entirely on what isn’t perfect and fails to appreciate what you do well.
Inner Critic
In order to enforce the goal of being perfect, your Perfectionist Inner
Critic judges you or shames you about your work or your life whenever it feels
that you aren’t living up to its expectations. It tells you that you are stupid,
incompetent, sloppy, inappropriate, or bad. You may end up feeling worthless,
depressed, or inadequate.
Your Perfectionist Inner Critic is judging you in order to get you to work
harder and achieve perfection so you can’t be judged or shamed for mistakes.
This Inner Critic type of Perfectionism may be combined with any of the other
types.
Note that it is possible to have any (or all) of the first three types of
Perfectionism without an Inner Critic if you strive to be perfect in those ways.
The Inner Critic comes in as an enforcer when you aren’t striving hard enough
for perfection. Its attacks are aimed at making you try harder to be perfect.
If you did heal them, did this permit the Perfectionist Part to let go?
Ease Qualities
There are various qualities of Ease that you may want to cultivate in your
life, such as relaxation, flow, life balance, enoughness, work ease, trust in your
abilities, experimenting, and so on. Choose the ones that you want to have and
decide what you can do to cultivate them. For example, for enoughness, you can
practice determining when a project is good enough to turn in for your purposes
so that you don’t need to waste time trying to make it perfect. For flow, you
could practice allowing your work to flow naturally from your interests, energy,
and creativity rather than pushing yourself.
What are the Ease Capacity qualities that you would like in that situation?
When you are in that situation, practice activating and living from those Ease
qualities. How did that go?
Summary
This chapter has described how to work with Perfectionist protectors
using IFS. It lists the four types of Perfectionism—Not Enough, Creative Block,
Control, and Inner Critic. It also discusses the Ease Capacity, which transforms
Perfectionism. For further help, see my book Letting Go of Perfectionism or my
online tool for personal growth and psychological healing, SelfTherapy
Journey,34 which includes a module on Perfectionism.
Chapter 5
Depression
When you are depressed, your natural buoyancy, spark, and energy are
missing. You may feel lethargic and believe that there is no point in doing
anything because your life seems hopeless. It may be difficult to get up the
energy to do more than go through the motions of your life. You may have little
appetite, or you may eat too much. You may have difficulty sleeping or, on the
other hand, sleep too much.
You may isolate yourself from people because you don’t see any point in
trying to relate to them, and this may contribute to the sense of bleakness in your
life. Your inner landscape may feel empty and gray. You may feel sadness and
grief, or you may just feel dead inside. You could also feel anxious and agitated
along with your depression.
You probably also feel bad about yourself. You may believe that the
reason for your hopelessness is that there is something intrinsically wrong with
you. You think you are inadequate or worthless and that’s why your life can’t
work. You probably feel a lot of pain about this, though that pain may be buried
behind the bleakness.
Ginger’s Story
To understand depression better, let’s look at one person’s story. Ginger
had a good, well-paying job, but she lost it when the economy crashed. Then six
months later her mother died. This was too much for her; it threw her into a deep
depression that lasted for over a year. She felt listless and low energy. It was
hard for her to rouse herself to do much of anything because her life seemed
hopeless. She could barely do the minimal tasks around her house.
Ginger reached out to friends less and less, and even when she was with
them, she was down and withdrawn. So she became more and more isolated and
alone. This increased her sense of bleakness.
Ginger came to believe that there was something deeply wrong with her.
She couldn’t say what it was, but she just felt as though she was a loser and so,
of course, she had no friends and couldn’t find a job.
Though she had enough money at the moment, she knew it wouldn’t last
too long, so she had to do something to find employment. She continually told
herself that she had to work on her resume, do networking, and apply for
openings, but she couldn’t even start on these tasks. A part of her felt that there
was no point in trying because nothing was going to work. She sunk deeper into
misery and sloth.
Depressing Protectors
Now let’s look at the psychological causes of depression. A depressed
part can be either a protector or an exile. Let’s look at protectors first.
Depressed Exiles
A Depressed Exile isn’t trying to make you depressed (like a Depressing
Protector)—it just feels depressed. There are two main types of Depressed Exiles
(though any given exile may be of both types).
Shame
If your Depressed Exile has a Shame or Judgment Wound (from the
Pattern System), it feels bad about itself, worthless, and deeply flawed. This
comes from being judged, shamed, or put down excessively during childhood.
Or the exile may have believed that there was something wrong with you
because of what happened to you as a child—because you were neglected, yelled
at, hit, or abused. If you are now being attacked by an Inner Critic, this makes
the exile feel even worse about itself.
The belief that you are no good and fundamentally worthless is very
depressing. You feel as though your life can’t possibly work out and that you
don’t deserve good things anyway.
Deprivation
Your Depressed Exile might have a Deprivation or Abandonment
Wound. These wounds come from not being given enough nurturing, caring,
touch, feeding, and love when you were very young. This results in “insecure
attachment,” which is a technical term in psychology that means a child and
mother don’t develop a good connection. Your Deprived Exile feels alone, lost,
uncared for, and helpless. It feels as though there is no love or connection
possible, that its existence is dark and bleak. No one was there for you as a child,
and the exile fears that it won’t survive. When you feel this way, it seems as
though it will go on forever. This is very depressing.
Therapist Note
If your client has a Deprivation/Abandonment Wound, this involves a
lack of secure attachment. Even though this issue can be resolved by forming a
healthy attachment between the client’s Self and the exile in the reparenting step
of the IFS process, in some cases your client may also need to do attachment
work directly with you. This means that you work directly on your relationship
with the exile (and the client), and you gradually become the healthy attachment
figure for the client. This can be powerfully healing, and it provides the
grounding for successful reparenting between the client’s Self and the exile.
If you did heal it, did this permit the Depressing Part to let go?
Grieving
Depression is often a natural outcome of grief. If you are grieving the
loss of a loved one, you will probably feel depressed for a while. This is natural
and doesn’t require therapy. You just allow the natural grieving process to
unfold. Your depression should disappear over time as your period of grief
comes to an end.
However, if your depression lasts longer than six months, your loss may
have triggered grieving about earlier losses in your life that weren’t processed at
the time. You may have been abandoned when you were young. You may have
lost a parent, grandparent, or other relative. You may not have received the
necessary support from your family to deal with this grief at the time. Perhaps
your family was overwhelmed and didn’t have the emotional energy to help you
with your grief. Maybe they tried to sweep the loss under the rug and gave you
the message that you shouldn’t talk about it. Or maybe your grief was simply too
overwhelming to handle at such a young age. This left you with unresolved
grief, which is held by an exile and defended against by protectors.
Then when a new loss happens, it triggers this old, unresolved grief. As a
result, you need to do psychological work to resolve the grief from those earlier
losses so your current grieving can come to a close. You will need to get to
know the protectors that are blocking your awareness of the earlier grief and
then work with the grieving exile. Witness the exile’s grief and then see if it
needs any reparenting or unburdening to complete its healing.
What are the aspects of Aliveness that you would like to have in that situation?
When you are in that situation, practice living from those Aliveness qualities.
Summary
This chapter has explored how to use IFS to work with depression, which
can be a protector or an exile. We explored how grief, a life purpose crisis, or
aging can lead to depression and what to do about it. This chapter has also
explained how to develop Aliveness and hope in place of Depression. For further
help, see my online tool for personal growth and psychological healing,
SelfTherapy Journey,43 which includes a module on Depression.
Chapter 6
Anger and Disowned Anger
Anger is an emotion that is problematic for many of us. With other
emotions, the main question is usually whether or not to feel or show the
emotion. With anger, the situation is more complicated because anger can be
harmful and destructive when acted out. Therefore, many of us have conflicting
attitudes about anger. We live in a violent society, surrounded by examples of
the destructive effects of anger, and some of us have been victims of it. Anger
and violence are sometimes also celebrated—in war, gangs, sports, and criminal
TV shows. Working with anger in therapy is therefore tricky and complex. It is
too easy to just assume that anger is always bad and disown it completely, while
it actually has a positive role to play in our lives.
Anger can arise in various ways in IFS work, depending on which part
holds the anger, what function the anger serves, and whether the anger is
disowned. Each situation requires a different approach. Protector anger that is
acted out in your life needs to be understood so you can heal the exile being
protected and the protector can let go. Expressing such anger is usually not a
good idea. Exile anger, on the other hand, needs to be welcomed and expressed
in sessions in order to fully witness the exile and also as a way of helping the
exile feel protected and safe from harm. Disowned anger also needs to be
expressed in sessions as a way of accessing and developing your strength and
healthy aggression.
Protector Anger
An angry protector may use anger as a way to avoid feeling the pain of
an exile. Because of this, your anger may arise in situations in which it is
inappropriate, and it may be more extreme than is warranted.
For example, when James is rejected by a woman he has been dating, he
often feels very angry at her. He doesn’t express the anger to her, but it can
become pretty intense inside. This anger is an attempt to protect him from
feeling the pain of an exile who feels hurt and unlovable. It distracts him from
those vulnerable emotions and substitutes a feeling that is more acceptable to
him.
Protector anger may also be an attempt to protect an exile from a
perceived external threat, because anger stimulates aggressive behavior to keep
people from harming you. For example, whenever someone acts controlling or
dominant toward Marlene, or when she perceives their behavior in this way, a
protector of hers is activated that feels angry at the person.
Marlene often expresses her anger at the person she feels controlled by.
She tries to prove to the person that he or she is wrong for trying to control her.
This is an attempt to protect the exile from being dominated. Because Marlene’s
anger is protector-driven, it tends to be out of proportion to what the other
person has actually done. As a result, it often offends people or makes them
worry that Marlene will get out of control. They respond with increased attempts
to control her, which results in exactly what her Angry Part fears.
There are four situations involving protector anger, each requiring a
somewhat different strategy:
2. The anger is felt, but the Self refrains from acting it out.
3. The anger is felt, but protectors suppress it, with perhaps occasional
outbursts.
Angry Part:
Exile(s) it is protecting:
Therapist Note
Explain that you (the therapist) will also be there to make sure that
nothing destructive happens while working with your client’s Enraged Part.
Once you have permission, you can get to know the Enraged Part and
integrate it into your psyche. As you do this, the rage will lose its intensity, and
the Enraged Part won’t be so threatening. In fact, the image of the Enraged Part
as powerful and evil may shift to something much different. The next step is to
get permission from the Enraged Part to work with the exile it is protecting and
then to heal that exile so the Enraged Part can relax, as discussed above under
Protector Anger Being Acted Out.
Disowned Anger
In IFS, we sometimes encounter parts that have been disowned or exiled
because their feelings or behavior are seen as unacceptable. Because a part
wasn’t acceptable in childhood, other parts of you banished it, and this dynamic
has carried forward into the present.
I call these disowned parts. A disowned part can be a protector, an exile,
or a healthy part.47 Anger is probably the most common type of disowned part. If
you have disowned your anger, you tend to lack assertiveness or strength. You
may even be passive, pleasing, self-effacing, or lacking in self-confidence and
drive. This is because your Strength (healthy aggression) has become disowned
along with your anger.
This process is common among girls and women, although it is not
confined to them. Because of both innate hormonal makeup and gender
programming, the expression of anger tends to be fostered among males and
discouraged among females. However, these are just cultural tendencies. Some
men disown their anger, and some women act theirs out.
Let’s look at an example. Donna’s parents were judgmental and shaming
whenever she got angry. They gave her the message that she was supposed to be
a nice girl and not make waves or be aggressive. As a result, her anger was
disowned, and this was enforced by managers who believed her anger was bad.
Donna became meek and quiet, and had a hard time asserting herself.
If you have disowned your anger, you may occasionally have angry
outbursts, due to the Angry Part breaking through. This anger is usually extreme
and inappropriate to the context. You may feel ashamed of these incidents and
believe they prove that you have an anger problem. However, the real problem is
that your anger has been disowned.
Disowned Anger can come from a protector, an exile, or even a healthy
part. When it comes from an exile or a healthy part, the part is just responding in
a naturally aggressive way to childhood insults or deprivations. However, this
anger can become extreme because it has been disowned. The Angry Part reacts
to being disowned by becoming increasingly and irrationally angry.
When working with Disowned Anger, your goal is to gain access to the
disowned Angry Part and welcome it back into your internal family of parts and
into your conscious life, where it can live and express itself. It is helpful to
welcome even anger that is extreme, though it shouldn’t be acted out. Witness
the part’s anger and encourage it to express the anger in whatever way it wants
in a session. This is often a great relief since the anger has been repressed for so
long.
Therapist Note
If a client who has disowned his or her anger is angry at you, it can be
helpful to encourage the client to express the anger directly to you (as long as
you help him or her refrain from acting it out in an extreme way). By doing this,
you can demonstrate to your client that you welcome his or her anger and can
handle it. Of course, you must have already worked through your fears of other
people’s anger.
Strength
A disowned part often holds a positive quality or energy that should be
integrated into your psyche. For example, sexuality, spontaneity, and caring are
all positive qualities that could be disowned if they were unacceptable to your
family. When the disowned part is welcomed back, it allows you to re-own this
positive energy.
When anger is disowned, it isn’t the anger itself that is the positive
quality to be re-owned. There is a positive quality that gets disowned along with
the anger, which I call the Strength Capacity. Strength means healthy
aggression, aliveness, personal power, and the ability to assert yourself and
establish healthy boundaries. It includes the ability to be firm, take risks, adopt a
powerful stance in the world, and feel a zest for life.48
Anger is a natural protective reaction to injustice, boundary violations,
mistreatment, or frustration of one’s aims. When our Strength Capacity is
activated, anger is rarely necessary because we can call on our healthy sense of
power, forcefulness, and limit setting to handle these situations. We can be
strong and assertive without frightening or harming other people. However,
when we exile our anger, we also exile our Strength, not because we intend to
but rather because of the way the human psyche operates.
By welcoming back Disowned Anger, we take a step toward reclaiming
our
Strength. This is especially true if we welcome back the anger in an embodied
way that includes feeling the anger fully and perhaps even expressing it. This
helps us to embody our Strength and personal power.
When you work on fully expressing your anger in a therapy session, your
focus is not on containing it or communicating it in a constructive way. You
want to fully embody the anger as a means of re-owning your strength. This is
not intended as practice for real-life interactions; it should only be done in a
therapy session or when you are alone. Practice for real-life communication of
anger is an entirely different process that involves speaking for your Angry Part,
as discussed above under Constructive Communication of Anger.
Let’s look at Donna’s work. She first allowed herself to feel the emotion
of anger, which had been disowned. When this felt reasonably safe to the
protectors who had disowned the anger, I encouraged her to notice how the
anger manifested in her body in the moment. She noticed a clenching of her jaw,
power in her arms, deeper breathing, and upright posture. At some point, she
wanted to express the anger, which she did by yelling.
In subsequent sessions, I helped her express her anger even more fully.
One session involved hitting a pillow, another twisting a towel. These activities
allowed the anger to be fully embodied in a vibrant way. Donna felt the strength
and aliveness that were awakened in her by owning and expressing her anger.
She felt it as hot, streaming energy in her arms and a feeling of potency in her
trunk.
What if the anger that has been disowned is protector anger? Do you still
want to welcome it back? I mentioned earlier that it isn’t advisable to express
protector anger that is being acted out in your life. However, when protector
anger has been disowned, expressing it in sessions can be quite helpful because
you have two issues to deal with: (1) re-owning your anger in order to develop
strength, and (2) getting beneath the angry protector to heal the exile it is
protecting so the protector can let go.
It is important to re-own your anger first—to welcome it back into your
internal system and perhaps express it—so that you can develop your Strength.
Then you can get to know the Angry protector and heal its exile so the protector
can let go. This way, you get the benefits of both processes; you gain Strength
and let go of excessive anger. If you work on understanding the anger as
protection first, you may lose the possibility of regaining your disowned
Strength.
Reclaiming your Disowned Anger can also help you reclaim other
healthy capacities that were disowned along with your anger, such as presence,
freedom, or self-expression.
Working with Your Inner Controller
In the course of welcoming back anger, your Inner Controller may be
frightened of your anger or the associated Strength, so you will need to work
with it. I discussed working with your Inner Controller previously with respect
to suppressed anger; now we will deal with the Inner Controller with respect to
Disowned Anger.
Therapist Note
You must also pay attention to any of your (therapist’s) parts that may be
uneasy with anger. If you aren’t completely comfortable with anger, you may
subtly side with the client’s Inner Controller, or, at least, you may not fully
support and encourage the client’s anger when needed. If necessary, do your
own IFS work with your protectors so you can completely support your client’s
anger and Strength. At times, this includes encouraging your client’s anger using
your strong, powerful voice.
When your Inner Controller blocks your anger, first ask it if it would be
willing to step aside so that the healing process can continue. If it won’t, ask
what it is afraid of and reassure it about its fears. If necessary, spend a session or
more working with the Controller to relax these fears.
Your Inner Controller may be afraid that you will do dangerous things
with your anger. In fact, if you have rage that has been disowned, your Inner
Controller may be afraid that it will be explosive and destructive if allowed to
come out. Often the problem is that your rage has become so explosive because
it has been disowned. The more the Angry Part is exiled, the angrier it becomes.
Reassure your Inner Controller that, as you get to know your Enraged
Part, you will remain in Self, and therefore the rage won’t get out of control. If
you express the rage at all, it will only be done in private, not toward other
people.
You can also reassure the Inner Controller that there are hidden positive
qualities associated with the anger and rage, namely Strength, which will help
you in your life. For example, once Don got to know his Angry Part and
welcomed it into his internal family, it looked and felt like a towering column of
presence, which made him feel solid and potent.
Your Inner Controller may be afraid that you will be attacked, judged, or
ridiculed by others for showing anger. Reassure the protector that if the anger is
expressed in your life, you (in Self) will remain in charge and not allow any
destructive acting out. You will express the anger constructively and will choose
situations where it is safe to do so. This is the Restraint Capacity.
Therapist Note
Reassure the protector that you welcome the anger and would never
judge or ridicule the client for expressing it. (Do your own work on yourself to
make sure this is true.)
Get to know your Angry Part and appreciate the positive qualities it can
bring into your life, even if the anger is currently extreme. You might have to
work with your Inner Controller in order to accomplish this. Once you, in Self,
truly appreciate the Angry Part, it will often relax and become less extreme.
Once you (in Self) are connected to and cooperating with your Angry Part, you
can provide guidance about expressing the anger in a constructive way in real-
life interactions with people by relying on your Restraint Capacity.
This supports the conversion of anger to Strength. The end result is that
you will be stronger and more assertive, and your anger, if it is there at all, will
be more appropriate to each situation. You may need to learn how to interact
with people from Strength rather than anger. This includes speaking for parts, as
discussed earlier, as well as finding other ways to be firm and powerful without
being reactive.
Let’s look at an example. My client Debbie had disowned her anger all
her life. Instead, she was a pleaser. In childhood, she was abused, both
physically and sexually, and had relatively little connection with her mother. The
only way she could cope was to try to please her parents. This pleasing
continued in her marriage and her friendships.
In our therapy, Debbie not only accessed and healed the exiles who were
abused and deprived, but she also uncovered her anger at what had been done to
her. As she expressed this anger in sessions, she gradually began to feel angrier
and angrier in her life. She identified a part she called her Inner Bitch who
wanted to yell at people whenever she felt they weren’t respecting her
boundaries or her needs.
Debbie felt ambivalent toward the Inner Bitch. While she appreciated
this part in some ways, she basically felt that it was a serious problem because it
threatened to undermine her relationships. In one session, I helped her get to
know the Inner Bitch in detail. It told her that its job was to keep people from
overpowering her and not respecting her needs. It would do anything to protect
her, and it didn’t care about the consequences. It really didn’t like the pleasing
part of her.
Her Inner Controller judged her Inner Bitch harshly. I helped Debbie get
her Controller to step aside so she could be in Self as she got to know the Bitch.
She came to really appreciate what her Inner Bitch was trying to do for her and
the strength it had to offer her.
Once she conveyed to the Bitch her appreciation for it, the part softened.
It let go of its extreme angry posture and became quite willing to work with
Debbie to express itself through Strength rather than rage. The term “Inner
Bitch” was a somewhat derogatory name for this part; once Debbie’s
relationship with it shifted, she asked the part what it wanted to be called, and it
chose “The Bodyguard.” As a result of Debbie’s new connection with her
Bodyguard, its overblown, angry reactions gradually subsided and were replaced
by a solid ability to be assertive and set limits.
In this session, I didn’t try to work with the exiles who were being
protected by the Bodyguard. We had already unburdened them a fair amount,
and though there is probably more work to be done with them, it was important
in this session to support Debbie in connecting with the Bodyguard. We will
work with those exiles in future sessions, if that becomes necessary.
Exile Anger
Exile anger usually doesn’t show up in the way you relate to people. It
only arises in doing an IFS session when you work with an exile. Exiles
frequently feel angry at the way they were treated in childhood. For example,
Sally’s older sister made fun of her whenever she tried to play with the sister and
her friends. This caused one of Sally’s exiles to feel shame, and, in addition, the
exile also felt angry at her sister. Exile anger like this is different from protector
anger because it is felt along with the shame. If it were protector anger, it would
arise to block the feeling of shame.
With exile anger, the exile should be encouraged to feel (and possibly
express) its anger with the Self as witness. In Sally’s case, the exile needed to
internally express its anger at the sister. This is part of the witnessing step that
needs to happen before an exile is ready to unburden. Witnessing an exile’s
anger may happen before or after the exile’s pain is witnessed. Then the exile
can unburden its pain and negative beliefs.
In this situation, you may have to work with your Inner Controller, which
is afraid of the anger being expressed, especially expressing it to a parent who
had enraged, violent reactions when you expressed anger as a child. You (in
Self) need to protect the exile (in your imagination) from the parent’s angry
reaction so the exile feels safe in expressing its anger. Self can be as large and
strong as necessary to handle even a large father. Imagine that you (in Self) are
much bigger and stronger than your father, and then protect the exile from him
so it can fully express its anger without fear.
Angry Exile:
What did you do to support and protect the exile in expressing its anger?
Forgiveness
The last step in the process of healing anger is to develop forgiveness.
This is especially useful for anger that you have been acting out. You learn to
forgive the person you are angry at—the person who harmed you. This doesn’t
mean condoning what that person did to you. It may or may not mean changing
your relationship with that person. It means letting go of your anger and
especially your need for revenge. It means no longer holding onto a grudge
toward this person. You might think that this is for that person’s sake, but it
isn’t. It is for your sake.
Once you have worked through the anger and healed the exiles your
Angry Part was protecting, the final step is to let go of the anger completely
(unless it would be helpful to convert your anger to Strength). You may think
that you are punishing the other person by holding onto your anger at him or her,
but you are really hurting yourself. Anger can eat away at you and keep you in a
negative frame of mind. It can keep you from having peace, joy, and love in your
life. So for your sake, it is helpful to forgive the person and free yourself from
your anger.
You can do this through an unburdening ritual where you let go of the
anger. Or you can do it through an internal shift of perspective where you
forgive the person. If that person is someone you have an ongoing relationship
with, it might also be useful to tell the person to his or her face that you forgive
him or her. However, this is not the important part of developing forgiveness.
The important part is internal to you. Whether you say anything directly to the
person is secondary.
It is important not to push for forgiveness prematurely. Some people who
realize the importance of Forgiveness may expect themselves to forgive the
person who hurt them before they are ready to do so. Allow yourself to fully feel
your anger and express it first. Allow yourself to fully process and heal the pain
the person caused you.
If your anger is at a parent or other person from childhood who wounded
you, make sure you have fully witnessed what they did to you and how it made
you feel. The exiles who were wounded should be completely healed. Any
suppressed or Disowned Anger should be re-owned and converted into Strength.
And make sure that you are fully ready to forgive. Don’t push yourself into
forgiveness because you think you should forgive. If you try to forgive
prematurely, it won’t work. You may not actually feel forgiving. One of your
protectors may object and ratchet up your anger. Or premature forgiveness may
undercut the development of your Strength.
When you are fully ready, forgive the person or people who hurt you.
This will open your heart and free you to live in joy and contentment.
Help Sheet
The following is an outline of the various circumstances and dynamics
around anger that have been presented in this chapter and a summary of the steps
to deal with each one.
A. Protector Anger Acted Out
2. Learn to contain the anger in life situations and how to speak for the angry
part rather than from it.
3. Get permission to work with the exile that the Angry Part is protecting.
6. Develop Forgiveness.
2. Heal its exile so the Angry Part can let go, as in A3–A6.
C. Disowned Anger
1. Work with your Inner Controller to get permission to work with your
Angry Part.
4. Work with your Inner Controller to allow the expression of anger in your
life.
5. Appreciate what the Angry Part has to offer and develop a trusting
relationship with it.
D. Exile Anger
If you have the Angry Pattern, you need Restraint and Forgiveness to
transform it. If you have the Disowned Anger or the Inner Controller Pattern,
you need Strength to transform it. Make sure to re-own your Anger first and then
convert it to Strength.
Summary
This chapter contains a detailed exploration of various ways to work with
anger in IFS. It shows that anger comes up in a variety of contexts and needs to
be handled differently in each one. In some cases, it needs to be witnessed and
healed in the regular IFS way. In other situations, you need to learn to contain it
and communicate it constructively. In still others, you need to feel and express it
fully in a session as a way of developing Strength. And sometimes anger is an
aid in the healing process. In many cases, you must work with your Inner
Controller to allow access to your anger.
For further help, see my online tool for personal growth and
psychological healing, SelfTherapy Journey,50 which includes modules on Anger
and Disowned Anger.
Chapter 7
The Passive-Aggressive Pattern
If you have the Passive-Aggressive Pattern, you act in a way that looks
agreeable and pleasing on the surface, but in the end your behavior hurts and
frustrates people. You may only be aware of your desire to take care of people
and your fear of not pleasing them.
The clue to realizing that you may have the Passive-Aggressive Pattern is
when people you are close to often get frustrated or confused by your actions.
You may feel wronged when this happens. You may even say to yourself, “I’m
doing my best to be nice and agreeable, but my partner doesn’t seem to get this.
She keeps getting on my case for doing things that upset her. But I don’t know
what she’s talking about.”
If you are acting out the Passive-Aggressive Pattern, there is an
unconscious part of you that is resentful and defiant. This part may be irritated at
how much you give in to someone. Or the part may feel resentment toward that
person. However, that part doesn’t believe that it has the right to be angry or
defiant, so those feelings go underground. You act in seemingly agreeable ways,
but you add a mean little twist to your behavior that hurts the other person. This
is related to the Disowned Anger Pattern discussed in the previous chapter.
For example, your partner asks you to do something for her by a certain
date. You agree to do it, but then you forget about it until after the date has
passed, and she has to suffer the consequences. Consciously, you just forgot, but
your Passive-Aggressive Part did this on purpose to punish her.
Another example: There is a woman at work whom you find attractive.
You have no intention of acting on this because you are married. Your wife has
met her and is jealous, so she has made it clear that she doesn’t want you to even
have a friendship with the woman. Part of you resents this restriction, but you
push this into your unconscious and agree to your wife’s demand. However, you
decide to have lunch with the woman without telling your wife, rationalizing, “I
know I’m not going to have an affair, so what’s wrong with just having lunch?”
However, you “accidentally” leave a clue that alerts your wife to the lunch. She
is very upset. Your Passive-Aggressive Part has “gotten” your wife in retaliation
for her trying to restrict your contact with this woman.
It isn’t easy to know that you have this pattern because it is often
unconscious. In addition, most of us don’t want to admit to being Passive-
Aggressive because we see it as a character flaw. However, it is fundamentally
no different from any other protective strategy, so there is no reason to be
ashamed of it. Just try to be aware of it and work to change it.
A Passive-Aggressive Story
Whenever Joe’s wife, Marge, asks him to do something around the
house, he always agrees to do it but rarely gets it done. He either conveniently
“forgets” about it, or he does a little bit of it but doesn’t finish the job.
Sometimes he does the job but in a way that isn’t really what Marge wanted, so
she ends up having to redo it herself. In every case, Marge is left feeling
frustrated with Joe.
Joe appears to feel vaguely guilty about this, but it keeps happening, and
Marge gets increasingly angry. She begins to wonder: “Does Joe really care for
me? Because I feel like I can’t trust him anymore.” Marge has a vague feeling
that he might be getting back at her, but she can’t really put it into words.
Joe keeps saying, “Hey, I’m only human. I just forget sometimes.” He
claims he would really like to give her all the things she wants.
This is Passive-Aggressive behavior in action. What is really going on
with Joe? He has a part that is a People-Pleaser. This part of him really wants to
make Marge happy by doing everything she asks. It is actually afraid of not
pleasing her. It is afraid that she will become angry and judgmental or that she
will withdraw from Joe if he doesn’t please her. Therefore, when Marge asks Joe
to do something, his Pleaser doesn’t stop to consider whether or not he wants to
do it. The Pleaser automatically says yes. It wants to protect Joe from the pain of
being judged or rejected by Marge. And Joe isn’t aware that this is going on.
However, this is only half of the story. There is another part of Joe that is
Passive-Aggressive. This part has very different feelings about Marge’s requests.
First of all, it doesn’t see them as requests. It feels that Marge is demanding
things from him. It resents Marge for (what it sees as her) pushing him around
and telling him what to do. And the Passive-Aggressive Part is even more
resentful when Joe gives in. It feels angry at Marge and wants to say, “How dare
you tell me what to do!”
However, the Passive-Aggressive Part is overruled by the Pleaser, at least
consciously. It isn’t allowed to defy Marge or get angry at her because the
Pleaser would be terrified of Marge’s reaction. So the Passive-Aggressive Part is
silenced. It doesn’t get to act in a direct way, and Joe doesn’t even know that he
has a part like this. The Passive-Aggressive Part can be completely unconscious.
Joe has a lot of anger and rage held over from his childhood, especially
directed at women. Sometimes this anger is directed at Marge, even when she
hasn’t done anything to warrant it. Joe has parts that are terrified about what
would happen if he expressed this anger directly, so it is hidden away where Joe
is unaware of it. It feeds into the feelings of the Passive-Aggressive Part in an
unconscious way.
The Passive-Aggressive Part is not without some power. Even though it
can’t be directly aggressive the way it would like, it can be passively aggressive.
It can prevent Joe from giving Marge what she wants. It may cause Joe to forget
what he has promised to do. The Passive-Aggressive Part may influence Joe to
do a job in a haphazard way that will frustrate Marge or even scare her by
leaving it precariously half-finished. It knows how to get back at Marge in an
indirect way that Joe isn’t even aware of. And when Marge does get frustrated or
scared, the Passive-Aggressive Part feels satisfied because it has expressed its
anger and rebellion. Ha-ha! It has “gotten” her.
Joe has two sides that are at odds with each other. They are conflicted
about the best way to deal with Marge. The Pleaser takes charge directly when
Marge asks Joe to do something, and the Passive-Aggressive Part takes charge
later by acting out indirect revenge.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Here are some other examples of Passive-Aggressive behavior:
Pete’s spouse lets him know that it is important that she be able to
contact him at any time in case she needs help with the kids. After a fight, he
goes to a bar and his cell phone is out of juice. He is upset with her and doesn’t
want to hear any more of her anger, so he doesn’t bother to plug in his phone to
recharge it, so she can’t get hold of him.
Charles invited his wife, Donna, to go on a long bike ride with him, even
though he is a much stronger rider than she is. Charles was harboring resentment
toward her for a variety of issues in their marriage. About halfway through the
ride, Charles rode on far ahead of Donna. She got exhausted and couldn’t go on,
and she needed him to help her, but he wasn’t there. Donna ended up feeling
abandoned and scared. Charles’s Passive-Aggressive Part indirectly expressed
its anger at Donna by hurting her in this way.
Sometimes Samantha talks about her husband to a group of friends when
he is present. She makes little jokes about his shortcomings in a way that may
seem innocuous to their friends, but he ends up feeling ridiculed and shamed.
When he brings it up, she says she was just kidding.
Danny is upset with his friend Walt about things that Walt has done that
have hurt him. However, Danny doesn’t bring up his concerns. Instead, when
Walt phones or emails him, Danny just doesn’t respond. Walt ends up feeling
baffled and frustrated.
People-Pleasing Behavior
The beginning of Passive-Aggressive behavior comes from being a
People-Pleaser and avoiding being assertive. When your People-Pleasing Pattern
is triggered, you try to comply with people to make them happy. You may try to
be who you think someone wants you to be and to agree with his or her beliefs.
You may try to make yourself think, feel, and want the same things as another
person, even if this doesn’t reflect your true feelings.
If you are in a relationship, a part of you may be trying to “merge” with
your partner and act the same as he or she does. If your partner expresses an
opinion about a movie you just saw, you automatically agree. If your
partner wants to go bike riding rather than hiking, you arrange your desires so
you feel the same way. This process is often unconscious and involves ignoring
your own opinions, feelings, and needs or distorting them so they are almost
always the same as your partner’s. You defer to his or her preferences, values,
and goals without quite realizing you are doing it.
Therapist Note
If you are a therapist, coach, or other helping professional, it can be
helpful to understand how a Passive-Aggressive client may act out this pattern in
his or her relationship with you.
A Passive-Aggressive client may experience you as pressuring him or her
to perform. When you ask the client questions or ask parts to step aside, the
client’s People-Pleasing Part may feel that the client must do it right or you will
be disappointed in them. The client’s Passive-Aggressive Part may believe that
your attempts to help the client change are really ways of trying to control them.
Therefore, the client may consciously want to please you, but the
pressure he or she perceives as coming from you may trigger his or her Passive-
Aggressive Part. This part may act out its defiance by failing to engage in
therapy in a successful way. Or if the client does the therapy well, a Passive-
Aggressive Part may keep him or her from making any progress. Or if the client
is making progress, he or she may deny it. This is an unconscious expression of
anger at you and an attempt to defeat you. Since the client’s Passive-Aggressive
Part believes you are attempting to change the client, it can defeat you by
resisting change and thereby assert its autonomy (in a self-defeating way).
You may react to this by becoming frustrated with the client for failing in
therapy. Or you may end up feeling ineffective and incompetent as a therapist
because you seemingly can’t help this client. However, once you realize that the
client is acting out his or her Passive-Aggressive Pattern with you, it become
much easier to deal with. You can help the client to access his or her People-
Pleasing Part and the part of him or her that feels pressured by you. You can also
get to know the Passive-Aggressive Part and find out its motivation for
sabotaging the therapy. Then you can work to heal the exiles that these parts are
protecting so the client can change his or her problematic behavior. Once the
client’s Passive-Aggressive Part has been transformed, there will be a major shift
in the client’s relationship with you and the effectiveness of his or her therapy.
However, don’t assume that just because you are frustrated with a client
or feel ineffective, the client has a Passive-Aggressive Pattern. This is just one
possibility for what might be going on. And remember that a Passive-Aggressive
protector shouldn’t be judged for its actions. This pattern is just another way of
protecting an exile and is no worse than any other protective pattern.
People-Pleasing Part:
Exile(s) it is protecting:
Now check to see if your Passive-Aggressive Part still feels angry or defiant. If it
does, do an IFS session with it. Get to know it and discover what it is trying to
accomplish by being angry or defiant. Develop a trusting relationship with the
Passive-Aggressive Part and then get permission to heal the exile(s) it is
protecting. When you have, see if the Passive-Aggressive Part can let go of its
role.
Passive-Aggressive Part:
Exile(s) it is protecting:
Developing Assertiveness
Assertiveness is the antidote to being Passive-Aggressive. You can’t
resolve your Passive-Aggression by simply learning to cooperate with people.
That is likely to play into your People-Pleasing Pattern and trigger the
unconscious need to rebel. You must first learn to be Assertive; then you can
choose to be cooperative without as much danger of sliding into People-
Pleasing.
Assertiveness involves having a firm knowledge of what you feel, think,
and desire, as opposed to being overly influenced by other people’s opinions,
feelings, and needs. When someone asks you to do something, you consider
whether you want to do it and tell the person if you don’t. You realize that, with
most people, you can assert yourself without their reacting negatively. You
know that you can find people who will appreciate your being strong and
assertive, and you have the right to choose to be with people who welcome your
opinions, feelings, and desires.
Assertiveness is part of being an autonomous adult. You realize that your
needs are just as important as other people’s, and, in fact, they are more
important to you. You have the right to make your own decisions and choose
how to live your life. Assertiveness involves exerting power to ask for what you
want, explaining why something is important to you, and following through,
even if others don’t agree with you. You can bring up difficult issues with
someone in order to try to improve your relationship with that person. You can
stand up for yourself and set limits with people when they are harming you in
some way. You can say no when someone asks you for something that you don’t
want to give.
Assertiveness involves being able to initiate action, take risks,
accomplish goals, and move forward in your life. Sometimes it involves
reaching out for connection. Sometimes it means clearly stating what your
opinion is or what you believe is right.
What aspects of Assertiveness do you want to have in that situation (saying no,
asking for what you want, stating your opinion, expressing your feelings,
challenging your partner to change, and so on)?
When you are in that situation, practice acting from those Assertive qualities.
How did that go?
Summary
This chapter has explored the Passive-Aggressive Pattern—how to
recognize it, understand it, and work with it using IFS. It also includes a
discussion of how to relate to someone with a Passive-Aggressive Pattern. Since
the People-Pleasing and Rebel Patterns are aspects of Passive-Aggression, they
are also touched on. The Controlling Pattern is also mentioned because it often
interacts with the Passive-Aggressive Pattern. The chapter also describes how to
develop Assertiveness as a solution to Passive-Aggression.
For further help, see my online tool for personal growth and
psychological healing, SelfTherapy Journey,54 which includes a module on the
Passive-Aggressive Pattern. It provides more detailed help in setting up a real-
time practice for being assertive (among other things).
Chapter 8
Conflicts in Love Relationships
IFS, in conjunction with the Pattern System, can be very useful in
understanding arguments that happen frequently between partners in love
relationships. In fact, this isn’t limited to love relationships. These concepts also
apply to business partnerships, friendships, family relationships, and any other
close bonds.
This is such a common process that almost everyone has experienced it. I
certainly have in my relationships. It is very painful for both people. Each person
feels that his or her partner is being unreasonable and hurtful. When the two of
you try to talk about it, this often creates more pain because each of you is likely
to judge the other person and get angry at him or her. Furthermore, you each feel
cut off from your partner’s love, so you may feel both alone and abandoned. The
best way to change this situation is to understand the sequences of parts that are
being triggered.
Let’s look at a different example. Daniel gets frustrated and critical of his
wife, Michelle, when he’s explaining something and she doesn’t understand as
quickly as he would like. This comes from his Judgmental Pattern, though he
isn’t aware that he is being judgmental. This triggers Michelle’s Unlovable
Wound because a part of her believes that he must not love her if he could treat
her that way.
Michelle tells Daniel that he shouldn’t be judging her—that he should be
kinder and more understanding with her. This is her Controlling Pattern. She is
attempting to control his behavior by telling him how to treat her. She does this
to defend against feeling unlovable as well as to try to get him to stop judging
her.
Now, it is true that Daniel shouldn’t have been judgmental, but telling
someone how he or she should behave isn’t very effective communication. In a
way, it is treating the person like a child who needs to be told what to do. That’s
why this is the Controlling Pattern. If Michelle first explained how Todd’s
judgment was affecting her and then asked him to be kind and nonjudgmental,
that would be healthy Assertiveness rather than the Controlling Pattern.
However, Michelle doesn’t realize what parts of hers have been triggered or that
she is being controlling. All she sees is that Daniel is treating her badly and
needs to be straightened out.
When Michelle tells Daniel what he should have done, it triggers his
Domination Wound, which goes back to his having been controlled by his father
when he was a child. He is afraid of being controlled by Michelle and reacts with
defiance against the perceived threat: “Don’t tell me what to do!” This is a
combination of his Rebel and Angry Patterns. He doesn’t realize that she has
triggered a wound of his. He just believes that Michelle is trying to push him
around.
Michelle becomes frightened of Daniel’s anger because of her Attack
Wound. She was subjected to rages and physical abuse from her father, so any
anger terrifies her. She defends against this wound by telling Daniel that he
shouldn’t be angry with her and explaining how he could have responded to her
that would have worked better. This is another round of her Controlling Pattern.
This triggers Daniel’s Domination Wound again, and he defends against it with
his Angry Pattern again, and they are off to the races with another trip around
this cycle.
For the most part, when two people are in the middle of such a fight, all
they focus on is what their partner is doing wrong. Therefore, becoming aware
of these cycles of patterns and wounds can be very helpful. It helps the two of
them step back from hurt and blame and realize what is happening at a deeper
level. This is an important first step toward changing a stuck interaction pattern.
For example, if Daniel realized that he was being judgmental and that
this triggered Michelle’s feeling unloved, he would be less likely to be
threatened and more apt to be understanding about why she might tell him how
to behave differently. So even though his Domination Wound might still be
triggered, he might not to react with anger and defiance. He might even reassure
her that he doesn’t look down on her and that he cares about her.
Therapist Note
If you are working with a couple, don’t let them act out their fights in
your office, because this may cause them to feel that the therapy situation is
unsafe. Help the couple to understand the sequence of their parts that gets
triggered in their usual conflicts. Ask each partner to identify which wounds of
his or hers get triggered when his or her partner says or does certain things, and
how he or she responds from a protective pattern to protect against these
wounds. Then help each partner to see that when he or she acts out his or her
protective pattern, it triggers wounds and protective patterns in his or her partner.
Once the sequence is clarified, you might want to do some individual IFS work
with one partner (in front of the other) on his or her parts that get triggered. Then
you can work with the other partner on his or her parts. Once both partners have
healed some of their parts, have them try talking to each other from Self. If one
of them gets triggered and starts the argument cycle, stop that partner right away
and do more IFS work on the part that just got activated.
There is much more to say about this, but it is outside the scope of this
book. For more information about IFS and couple’s therapy, see You’re the One
You’ve Been Waiting For, by Richard Schwartz; Intimacy from the Inside Out,
by Toni Herbine-Blank and Donna M. Kerpelman; and Bring Yourself to Love,
by Mona Barbera.
The next time a conflict starts to happen, try responding in this new way.
What happened?
Summary
This chapter has explored the sequences of parts that get triggered in
conflicts in love relationships and other close connections. We have looked at
the different patterns and wounds that tend to be activated and how to respond
from healthy capacities. The next chapter goes into more detail about how to
communicate in a skillful manner.
Chapter 9
IFS and Skillful Communication
This chapter discusses how to use IFS to communicate in a skillful
manner when you are in a conflict with someone. Since most conflicts like this
happen in love relationships, I will focus on those situations, but these principles
apply to any conflict you have with another person, especially one you have an
ongoing relationship with. Many of the ideas in this chapter have been inspired
by Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg.57
Basic Attitudes
Here are some basic attitudes that are crucial to skillful communication
in the midst of conflict with your partner. The more you can approach
communication with these attitudes, the better things will work.
• You want to work through the conflict to improve your relationship with
your partner. You aren’t looking to blame your partner but rather to hear
him or her, be heard by him or her, and reconnect with him or her. You
want to find a resolution that feels good to both of you.
• You want to understand what your partner is upset about. You are in an
open, curious, and compassionate place, and you are ready to listen to
your partner’s feelings, opinions, and desires, and really try to understand
them.
• You want to communicate to your partner what you are upset about and
what your concerns are while minimizing the chances of triggering or
hurting your partner so he or she will be able to hear and understand you.
• You are willing to look at your part in the difficulties with your partner.
You are open to what your partner may say to you about your contribution
to the problem, even if this hurts you. You are willing to consider working
on changing your behavior for the better and growing in ways that will
improve your relationship.
Expressing Yourself
Let’s explore the best ways to express your feelings, concerns, and
desires. The general approach is as follows: “When you do X, a part of me feels
Y.” Let’s look at each phrase separately.
When You Do X
When describing another person’s behavior that bothers you, do it
objectively or in terms your partner can understand and agree with. You want
your partner to be interested in what you are talking about and not be hurt or
offended. It usually isn’t helpful to judge your partner’s behavior or speculate
about his or her feelings or underlying issues. For example, it is helpful to say,
“When you raise your voice and point your finger at me…” This is an objective
description of your partner’s behavior. This is better than saying, “When you
yell at me and reprimand me” because your partner may not agree that he or she
is yelling or reprimanding you. It is also better than saying, “When you get out
of control” or “When you act needy.” These phrases might trigger defensiveness
in your partner. Your partner might say, “I didn’t reprimand you” or “I wasn’t
out of control” or “I’m not needy.”
On the other hand, if your partner has acknowledged that he or she gets
out of control sometimes or that he or she is needy, you may be able to use those
phrases without your partner getting defensive.
A Part of Me Feels Y
When describing your emotional reaction to what your partner does,
speak for the part of you that has these feelings, not as this part. Speaking for a
part means being in Self and talking about what the part is feeling from a
centered place. For example, if you are angry, you might say, “A part of me feels
angry at you.” This is speaking for your Angry Part. Don’t say, “You are so
judgmental. Leave me alone!” This is speaking as the Angry Part.
It is important to understand the difference between feelings and
interpretations. For example, you might say, “When you raised your voice, a part
of me became frightened.” Or you might say, “When you left the room in the
middle of our conversation, a part of me felt abandoned.”58 These are your
feeling reactions, and you are owning them.
It isn’t helpful to say, “When you left the room in the middle of our
conversation, I realized that you didn’t care about me.” That is an interpretation
of what your partner’s behavior meant. For another example, if you say, “When
you act needy…” you are interpreting your partner’s inner state. This may or
may not be accurate, but even when it is, your partner may resent you for telling
him or her what he or she feels and for judging him or her.
Here is another way to distinguish between feelings and interpretations.
When you say, “I feel like X” or “I feel that X,” X is almost never a feeling but
rather an interpretation. “I feel like you don’t love me” is an interpretation. “I
feel hurt,” “I feel bereft,” and “I feel scared” are feelings.
You can include both feelings and interpretations in what you say, but be
clear about the difference. Your interpretation of your partner’s behavior will
often determine your feeling response to him or her and what parts of yours get
activated, so it is useful to mention your interpretation, but you should own it as
your interpretation rather than the truth. For example, you might say, “When you
look at me with sad eyes, I imagine that you are feeling needy, and a part of me
feels suffocated.” Here you are including your interpretation by using the phrase,
“I imagine that you are feeling needy.” You could also say, “I believe that you
are feeling needy.” When you add your emotional reaction, “a part of me feels
suffocated,” you are owning your reaction. You are speaking for your part.
If you said, “When you are so needy, you suffocate me,” you are telling
your partner what he or she feels and blaming your partner for your reaction.
You are speaking as your part—your Judgmental Part. If you speak in that way,
your partner will most likely get defensive or angry because you are acting out
your anger and judgment. Or if your partner does give in and accept your
judgment, over time he or she may unconsciously build up resentment, which
will eventually come out in a burst of anger or Passive-Aggressive behavior.
Once you have expressed yourself to your partner in a skillful way, wait
to see how he or she responds. If your partner gets defensive or judgmental, first
acknowledge his or her feelings and then explain that you aren’t judging him or
her. (Check to be sure that you really aren’t.) You are just describing the
problem and your reaction to it. Once your partner understands this, he or she
will likely be able to hear you. If your partner still can’t hear you, it probably
means that he or she doesn’t feel understood by you. In this case, stop trying to
express yourself, and instead focus on listening to your partner and responding
in a way that makes him or her feel understood by you (see below). Once your
partner feels understood, he or she is much more likely to be able to hear you.
If you have a friend who will help you, ask him or her to role-play your
partner. Express your concerns to your friend and have him or her respond as
your partner. Continue the interaction and see if the two of you can resolve the
issue. If your friend starts responding in a way that doesn’t match what your
partner would say, stop the role-play and give him or her an idea of how your
partner would respond. Then continue.
Were the two of you able to resolve the issue in the role-play?
Making a Request
Once your partner has heard and understood what bothers you, you can
ask your partner to change his or her behavior. For example, you could say,
“Would you be willing to not raise your voice with me?” Or if your partner has
agreed that he or she was being judgmental, you could say, “Would you be
willing to work on being less judgmental toward me?” Much of our behavior
isn’t easy to change right away, so ask your partner if he or she is willing to
work on changing his or her behavior rather than just asking your partner to act
differently. Or if you do ask your partner to change his or her behavior, don’t
expect that he or she will be able to do this quickly or easily.
Your partner may not agree to your request right away. He or she may
tell you how hard it would be to change. He or she may tell you what he or she
wants from you first. Your partner might resent you for asking him or her to
change. Whatever your partner says, listen to him or her skillfully (as described
below). Make sure your partner feels understood by you. This will help your
partner to be more amenable to your request.
Therapist Note
If you are working with an individual client who wants to be able to
bring up a concern with his or her partner, you can role-play the situation in your
office with you taking the role of the partner. Ask your client to tell you how his
or her partner might respond. Role-play the partner so that you challenge your
client just enough to help him or her to enhance his or her communication skills,
but don’t make it so difficult that your client feels defeated and hopeless.
Listening
It is important to listen to your partner in such a way that you understand
his or her feelings, and he or she realizes that you do. When your partner says
things that hurt you, it is usually coming from a protector, such as an angry or
judgmental part, so it is helpful to understand that your partner has a vulnerable
exile in pain beneath that protector, even if you don’t know what exile it is. This
will help you to be more sympathetic to your partner, even if he or she is saying
hurtful things to you.
How to Listen
When your partner tells you what he or she is feeling, set aside your
concerns for the moment and concentrate on his or hers. The first half of the job
of skillful listening is to truly be interested in your partner’s experience and
feelings. Listen to his or her feelings with curiosity about what is upsetting him
or her, even if your partner is misinterpreting what you said or overreacting to
you. Make your best effort to understand his or her feelings, even if you don’t
agree with them. Don’t try to psychologize your partner or figure out why he or
she is so triggered. Just hear him or her with an open heart. Empathize with your
partner’s feelings, if you can. This means resonating with his or her feelings and
the perceived reason for feeling that way.
The second half of skillful listening is communicating what you
understand about your partner’s feelings so that he or she feels understood by
you. Reflect back what your partner said. You will probably want to paraphrase
it. For example, if your partner says, “I hate it when you judge me,” you might
say, “You are feeling angry at me because what I said felt judgmental to you.”
You can ask your partner questions to draw him or her out further about this. For
example, you might say, “What was it I said that felt judgmental to you?” Keep
feeding back what your partner says and asking for more until he or she feels
understood by you.
This is not easy to do and can only work if you are in Self. Watch out for
your parts getting triggered and interfering with your being able to listen with an
open heart. If you want to correct your partner’s perception of you, if you want
to defend yourself from his or her attacks, or if you want to tell your partner how
he or she is too sensitive and is overreacting, you aren’t in Self. Work on
returning to Self, and if you can’t do this quickly, call a time-out so you can
listen to your parts first and then separate from them to get into Self.
If not, was he or she able to help you to understand his or her feelings?
Making Guesses
Sometimes your partner isn’t talking about his or her feelings or is
focused entirely on blaming you rather than expressing him-or herself. This
makes it harder to listen and understand your partner, so you must help him or
her express his or her feelings first. A good way to do this is to try to guess what
your partner is feeling and experiencing. What might you have done that upset
him or her? What emotions might your partner be feeling? What needs your
partner’s aren’t getting met? How might your partner be interpreting your
behavior that is upsetting him or her?
Communicate your guesses by asking your partner questions. For
example, “Are you feeling hurt because you think I don’t care about you?” Even
if your guess is wrong, your partner is likely to feel better because you are
showing that you want to understand. This may prompt your partner to tell you
what he or she is feeling. When he or she has, you can reflect back what your
partner said.
Make sure that your guesses are about what your partner is feeling on the
surface, which usually means protectors. This way, your partner will be
consciously aware of the feelings you are asking about. Your partner is more
likely to agree with surface feelings. For example, if your partner is angry at
you, you could say, “Are you angry at me because you feel that I’m distant from
you?” Don’t say, “Are you feeling deprived and needy when I am distant?” Your
partner may not be aware of these deeper feelings, and he or she may feel judged
by you if you suggest them.
Your guesses should also be about feelings that your partner would feel
OK about having. For example, if your partner would be ashamed to admit being
frightened, don’t ask if he or she is scared.
Don’t guess about your partner’s underlying motivations or deep-seated
psychological issues. Most people don’t like being psychologized in this way.
For example, don’t ask, “Are you really trying to push me away by being
judgmental?”
Don’t ask your partner if he or she is upset about something completely
different from what he or she says is the reason for the upset. For example, don’t
ask, “Are you upset about what your daughter said and taking it out on me?”
This is more psychologizing, which your partner will probably resent.
Did your friend correct your guess so you could understand him or her?
Therapist Note
If you are working with an individual client on listening, you can role-
play the partner. Have the client prompt you on how the partner communicates
and then role-play it. Make it just difficult enough that your client learns
something but not so difficult that he or she gets discouraged. You can switch
out of the partner role and facilitate the client whenever that is needed.
Degrees of Self
It isn’t easy to be in Self, especially in the middle of a confrontation. So
in exploring how to do this, let’s look at possible degrees of Self when you are in
the midst of a conflict and what to do about them.
1. You are so solidly in Self that you won’t be triggered very easily no
matter what your partner says. You are prepared for skillful
communication.
2. You are in Self enough that you can communicate well, but you could
still be triggered. You may continue with the interaction, but be aware if a
part of you gets triggered that takes you out of Self.
3. You are aware that you are having a communication problem and are
mildly triggered. You need a moment to gather yourself, return to Self,
and decide what to say. Then you can communicate skillfully.
4. You are aware that you are having a communication problem, but you
are so triggered that you can’t communicate skillfully. You need a time-
out in order to calm down and access Self before it makes sense to
continue with the interaction.
5. You are lost in the conflict, highly triggered, and not aware of it. You
are contributing to a nasty fight. First you must become aware of your
condition and want to change it. This brings you to 4.
• Remember that you want this interaction to go well, or at least that you
don’t want it to go badly.
• Remember the positive things you are trying to accomplish in having this
interaction, such as restoring mutual caring in your relationship or being
heard by your partner.
• Remember that your partner is acting this way because he or she feels
hurt by you or is scared of you. Your partner isn’t really trying to hurt you.
• Keep in mind that your partner is trying to protect him-or herself, even if
he or she isn’t doing it in a skillful way.
Notice what part of you is triggered. Ask that part what it is feeling or
what it is concerned about. Take a moment to be there for the part. Then ask it if
it would be willing to step aside so you can engage in the conversation with your
partner from Self.
If none of this works and you are still triggered, bring up with your
partner that the two of you are having a communication problem and invite your
partner to join you in trying to communicate more skillfully. This is an important
moment because you have switched from talking about the issue to talking about
communication. If needed, ask your partner to give you a moment to get
centered (in Self) so you can communicate more effectively.
If that doesn’t work, it is best to take a time-out. When you suggest a
time-out to your partner, explain that the two of you are so triggered that you
need some time to settle down so you can communicate in a useful way. If the
two of you continue talking from this place, things will only get worse. The two
of you need to cool down, explore what got triggered in you, and get into a
nonreactive place.
Explain to your partner that you aren’t trying to avoid the confrontation;
you just want it to go well. Tell your partner when you think you will want to
talk again—in ten minutes, an hour, or the next morning. This way, your partner
won’t feel abandoned or controlled by the time-out.
When you and your partner have regained Self, you can end the time-out
and begin to apply what you know about skillful communication. Start by
deciding whether to express yourself or listen to your partner. If your partner
is still triggered, expressing yourself probably won’t work. You will have to
listen to your partner’s feelings first and reflect what you have heard until he or
she feels understood by you and has calmed down. Then when you express
yourself, your partner is more likely to hear you.
How did you ask your friend (as your partner) to hear you?
If your partner had reservations about talking about it, how did you deal with
them?
Did he or she eventually agree?
• Let your partner know that you care about him or her and want to work it
out.
• Explore what parts got triggered in you and explain this to your partner.
• Ask what your partner needs from you to be able to connect again.
You can try repair in the middle of a conflict situation, or if one ends
badly, you can try it later. Exactly what you do to repair your connection is less
important than the fact that you are attempting to repair things. Even if your
partner doesn’t respond well to your first attempt at repair, don’t be discouraged.
Try guessing what your partner is feeling that makes him or her unwilling to
reconnect and offer that as empathy. If that doesn’t work, try again later.
If your partner reaches out to you to repair things, make sure to respond
to his or her repair attempt, even if your partner doesn’t do it in the most
graceful way. Try to recognize when your partner is trying to reconnect with you
and reciprocate.
If you don’t feel ready to reach out for repair, or if you don’t feel like
responding when your partner reaches out to you, this means you are triggered
and not in Self. Take a time-out and explore what part of you is triggered using
IFS. See if you can get that part to relax and allow you to be in Self. (See the
section above on Accessing Self.) Then you can reach out to your partner for
repair.
Therapist Note
The issues in this chapter come up frequently in working with couples. It
can be useful to teach them how to communicate skillfully, but this doesn’t mean
they will be able to do it very easily in the heat of the moment. If a couple gets
into an argument in a session, you can apply the ideas in this chapter in helping
them get back into Self and then communicate with each other in a skillful way.
Summary
This chapter has discussed how to use IFS to communicate skillfully in
the midst of a conflict. This is one of the hardest things to do. The more you
work on yourself, heal your exiles, and transform your protectors, the more you
will be able to communicate skillfully. We looked at how to listen to your
partner so that he or she feels heard, how to express your feelings and concerns
so your partner is likely to hear you, how to get into Self so that you can
communicate in a skillful manner, when to bring up a concern, and how to repair
your relationship when things have gone badly.
You can learn more about communication skills and practice them in an
experiential, ongoing Interactive Group.60
Chapter 10
Conclusion
I hope that this book has enhanced your ability to use IFS to transform
your psychological issues or to help your clients do so. Keep it handy to use as
an adjunct to SelfTherapy and SelfTherapy, Vol. 2. Many people have found the
Help Sheets in Chapters 1 and 6 to be especially useful.
IFS has transformed my life, both personally and professionally. It has
been wonderful for my clients and students. Those who take to the IFS process
find themselves moving forward quickly in understanding themselves, healing
their parts, and transforming their behavior. I hope that IFS does the same for
you (and your clients, if you are a professional).
Further Learning
There is more to teach than I could fit into Vol. 2 and Vol. 3, so I plan to
publish more books in the SelfTherapy Series. Vol. 4 will cover advanced
techniques for working with exiles, and Vol. 5 will present techniques and
insights that are primarily relevant for therapists and other helping professionals.
SelfTherapy, Vol. 1 was based on the IFS Basic Course and the Exiles
Course that I have taught for many years. Recently I have also been teaching
Advanced IFS Classes for both professionals and the general public, which form
the basis for the subsequent volumes in the SelfTherapy Series. If you would like
to learn the material in the SelfTherapy Series in an experiential way in a safe,
connected group, consider joining one of these Advanced IFS Classes,61 which
are taught by videoconference. These are experiential classes that include group
exercises and demonstration IFS sessions with volunteers from the class. You
also pair up with other class members for practice IFS sessions for homework.
These classes are for both therapists and the general public, and some classes are
exclusively for therapists and coaches. They are exciting to me because they
combine personal growth, professional learning, and heartfelt community among
the participants, which is growth enhancing in itself. And for therapists and
coaches, the classes give you a chance to become part of a vibrant professional
community dedicated to IFS. See Appendix D for further resources for learning
about IFS.
Appendix A
Help Sheet and Graphic from SelfTherapy
This is a summary of the steps of the IFS procedure that were covered in
SelfTherapy, for easy reference.
Check to see how you feel toward the target part right now. If you can’t tell, you
may be blended.
If you are blended with the target part, here are some options for unblending:
• Ask the part to separate from you so you can get to know it.
• See an image of the part at a distance from you or draw the part.
If the part doesn’t separate, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did.
Check to see how you feel toward the target part right now.
If you feel compassionate, curious, and so on, you are in Self, so you can move
on to P4.
• If it does, check again to see how you feel toward the target part, and
repeat.
• If it still won’t, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did, and reassure
it about its fears.
• If it still won’t, make the concerned part the target part and work with it.
The part may answer in words, images, body sensations, emotions, or direct
knowing.
You can foster trust by saying the following to the protector (if true):
If it won’t give permission, ask what it is afraid would happen if you accessed
the exile.
Possibilities are:
• The exile has too much pain. Explain that you will stay in Self and get to
know the exile, not dive into its pain.
• There isn’t any point in going into the pain. Explain that there is a point
—you can heal the exile.
• The protector will have no role and therefore be eliminated. Explain that
the protector can choose a new role in your psyche.
• Ask the exile to contain its feelings so you can be there for it.
• Do a centering/grounding induction.
If the exile won’t contain its feelings:
• Explain that you really want to witness its feelings and story, but you
need to be separate to do that.
Conscious blending: If you can tolerate it, allow yourself to feel the exile’s pain.
If you aren’t in Self or don’t feel compassion, unblend from any concerned parts.
They are usually afraid of your becoming overwhelmed by the exile’s pain or the
exile taking over.
Explain that you will stay in Self and not let the exile overwhelm.
Check to see if the exile can sense you, and notice if it is taking in your
compassion.
Ask the exile to show you an image or a memory of when it learned to feel this
way in childhood.
After witnessing, check to see if the exile believes that you understand how bad
it was.
5. Reparenting an Exile
Bring yourself (as Self) into the childhood situation and ask the exile what it
needs from you to heal it or change what happened; then give that to the exile
through your internal imagination.
If it can’t sense you or isn’t taking in your caring, ask why and work with that.
6. Retrieving an Exile
One of the things the exile may need is to be taken out of the childhood situation
and brought into a place where it can feel safe and comfortable.
You can bring it into somewhere in your present life, your body, or an imaginary
place.
7. Unburdening an Exile
Name the burdens (painful feelings or negative beliefs) that the exile is carrying.
Ask the exile if it wants to release the burdens and if it is ready to do so.
If it doesn’t want to, ask what it is afraid would happen if it let go of them. Then
handle those fears.
What would the exile like to release the burdens to? Light, water, wind, earth,
fire, or anything else.
Once the burdens are gone, notice what positive qualities or feelings arise in the
exile.
Check to see if the protector is aware of the transformation of the exile. If not,
introduce the exile to the protector.
See if the protector now realizes that its protective role is no longer necessary.
Assertiveness. A healthy capacity that involves being able to exert power, ask
for what you want, reach out to others, set limits, and speak your mind without
being overly aggressive.
Blending. The situation in which a part has taken over your consciousness so
that you feel its feelings, believe its attitudes are true, and act according to its
impulses. Blending is a more extreme form of activation.
Burden. A painful emotion or negative belief about yourself or the world that a
part has taken on as a result of a past harmful situation or relationship, usually
from childhood.
Concerned Part. A part that feels judgmental or angry toward the target part.
When you are blended with a concerned part, you aren’t in Self.
Criticized Child. An exile who believes the judgments of the Inner Critic and
feels ashamed, worthless, not valuable, guilty, self-doubting, or inadequate. It is
both harmed and activated by the Critic.
Direct Access. A form of IFS therapy in which the therapist speaks directly to a
part, and the client is blended with the part and responds to the therapist as the
part. This also can involve two parts speaking to each other as you blend first
with one and then the other.
Disowned Anger. A pattern in which you ignore your anger or don’t allow
yourself to be aware of it.
Ease. A healthy capacity that involves being able to work successfully without
undue effort and know when something is good enough so that you don’t need it
to be perfect.
Exile. A young child part that is carrying pain from the past.
Foggy Part. A part that causes you to lose conscious awareness of yourself,
your thought process, and your connection to your body. You may feel spaced
out, sleepy, dull, dissociated, confused, or overwhelmed.
Guilt Tripper. A type of Critic that attacks you for some specific action you
took (or didn’t take) in the past that was harmful to someone, especially
someone you care about. It might also attack you for violating a deeply held
value. It constantly makes you feel bad and will never forgive you.
Healthy Role. A role that is the natural, constructive function of a part when it
has no burdens and no exiles to protect.
Indulger. A protector that eats too much food or indulges in drugs, alcohol, or
other potentially addictive activitiesin order to distract you from and soothe
young exiles in pain.
Inner Champion. An aspect of your Self that supports and encourages you and
helps you feel good about yourself. It counteracts the negative impact of the
Inner Critic.
Inner Controller. A type of Critic that tries to control impulsive behavior, such
as overeating, getting enraged, using drugs, or engaging in other addictions. It
shames you after you binge or use. It is usually in a constant battle with an
impulsive part.
Inner Critic. A protector that judges you, demeans you, or pushes you to do
things. It tends to make you feel bad about yourself.
Inner Defender. A protector that tries to argue with the Critic and prove that
you are worthwhile.
Inner Mentor. The healthy version of the Critic. It encourages you to look at
yourself with humility to see the ways in which you need to change how you
operate in the world, and it helps you make these changes in a supportive,
encouraging way.
Judgmental Part. A part that is critical of other people or of your own parts.
Molder. A type of Critic that tries to get you to fit a certain societal mold or act
in a certain way that is based on your own family or cultural mores. It attacks
you when you don’t fit and praises you when you do.
Polarization. A situation in which two parts are in conflict about how you
should act or feel.
Protected Child. The exile who is being protected by the Inner Critic. It may be
the same as or different from the Criticized Child.
Protector. A part that tries to block off pain that is arising inside you or protect
you from hurtful incidents or distressing relationships in your current life.
Rebel Part. A protector that defies other people or your own parts.
Reparenting. The step in the IFS process in which the Self gives an exile what it
needs for a corrective emotional experience.
Restraint. A healthy capacity that involves being able to choose to not act out
your anger in destructive ways.
Retrieval. The step in the IFS process in which the Self takes an exile out of a
harmful childhood situation and into a place where it can be safe and
comfortable.
Role. The job that a part performs to help you. It may be primarily internal, or it
may involve the way the part interacts with people and acts in the world.
Self. The core aspect of you that is your true self, your spiritual center, and the
observer of events. The Self is who you are when you are not blended with parts
in extreme roles. The Self is relaxed, open, and accepting of yourself and others.
It is curious, compassionate, calm, and interested in connecting with other
people and your parts.
SelfLeadership. The situation in which your parts trust you, in Self, to make
decisions and take action in your life.
Strength. A healthy capacity that involves being able to be firm, powerful, and
assertive without being unduly angry.
Target Part. The part you are focusing on to work with at the moment.
Taskmaster. A type of Critic that tries to get you to work hard in order to be
successful. It attacks you and tells you that you are lazy, stupid, or incompetent
in order to motivate you. It often gets into a battle with a part that procrastinates
in order to avoid work.
Unblending. Separating from a part that is blended with you so that you are in
Self.
Unburdening. The step in the IFS process in which the Self helps an exile
release its burdens through an internal ritual.
Updating. An IFS technique that involves helping a protector see that you are a
competent, independent adult, not a dependent, vulnerable child, and you have
more external support than you did as a child.
Witnessing. The step in the IFS process in which the Self witnesses the
childhood origin of a part’s burdens.
Appendix C
Introduction to the Pattern System
The Pattern System, which I developed, is a comprehensive way of
understanding and diagnosing personality that is oriented toward psychological
healing and personal growth. The Pattern System also helps you understand
other people—why they respond as they do, what makes them tick. It gives you
a more detailed understanding of yourself than other personality systems.
Once you understand the Pattern System and explore yourself according
to its model, you will come away with a comprehensive map of your psyche.
You will be able to see…
• Your strengths
• Your defenses
For more information, see my book The Pattern System, the Pattern
System website,62 or the Pattern System wiki.63
Appendix D
Resources
Websites
Audio Products
Inner Champion Meditations. Each healthy capacity has a
corresponding Inner Champion that supports you in developing and manifesting
that capacity. For each Inner Critic, there is an Inner Champion that supports you
in the face of that Critic. There is a recorded guided meditation for activating
each Inner Champion.
Pattern Meditations. We have a guided meditation for working with
many of the Pattern System patterns using IFS.
Demonstration IFS Sessions. Recordings of IFS sessions with
explanatory comments.
Recorded Courses. Recorded versions of the IFS Basic Course, IFS
Exiles Course, IFS Polarization Course, and Beyond Eating Course.
All of these audio products are available in our online store.73
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Procrastination_Pattern_Description_Mark
27
Using the IFS steps described in Chapters 10–14 of SelfTherapy 28 As
described in Chapters 3 and 4 of SelfTherapy, Vol. 2
29
See Chapters 11–14 in SelfTherapy.
30
http://personalgrowth-programs.com/products/product-
category/courses/beyond-eating-audio-course/
31
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Eating_Issues_Description_Marketing.asp
32
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Members/Questionnaire.aspx?
Questionnaire=30
33
See Chapter 1 for how to work with Inner Critic parts.
34
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Perfectionist_Pattern_Description_Marketi
35
See Chapters 4 and 5 in SelfTherapy.
36
See Chapter 6 in SelfTherapy.
37
See Chapter 7 in SelfTherapy.
38
See Chapter 8 in SelfTherapy.
39
See Chapter 10 in SelfTherapy.
40
See Chapters 11–14 in SelfTherapy.
41
See Chapter 15 in SelfTherapy.
42
See Chapters 11–14 in SelfTherapy.
43
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Depressed_Pattern_Description_Marketing
44
See Chapter 3 in SelfTherapy, Vol. 2, for an explanation of the difference
between firefighters and managers.
45
See Chapters 4 and 5 in SelfTherapy, Vol. 2.
46
This is a type of Inner Critic whose job is to keep you from engaging in
destructive activities such as addictions or rage. See Chapter 1.
47
Voice Dialogue has a primary focus on this type of part, which it calls a
"disowned self" as opposed to a "primary self."
48
In the Diamond Approach, this quality is called the Red Essence or Strength,
and it is understood that when anger is blocked, the Red Essence is also blocked.
Gestalt therapy also recognizes healthy aggression as an important goal in
therapy.
49
Somatic Experiencing has a similar understanding of the value of healthy
aggression in the renegotiation of trauma. See Waking the Tiger: Healing
Trauma by Peter Levine.
50
https://selftherapyjourney.com
51
See Chapters 4–8 in SelfTherapy.
52
See Chapters 10–14 in SelfTherapy.
53
Here are short descriptions of some of these concepts. The Controlling Pattern
involves being dominant and demanding, and expecting to have things your way.
The Rebel Pattern involves rebelling against other people’s power in an attempt
to preserve your autonomy. The Cooperation Capacity involves the ability to be
receptive and work well with others.
54
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Passive_Aggressive_Pattern_Description_
55
See Chapter 6 in Parts Work by Tom Holmes.
56
A wound in the Pattern System corresponds to a type of exile in IFS, or to be
more precise, it corresponds to a type of exile burden.
57
Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg.
58
I am aware that in NVC, “abandoned” would not be considered a true feeling
because it may imply that the other person did this to you, but I don’t agree.
Words like abandoned can be used to own one’s experience, and avoiding them
can become awkward and misleading.
59
This idea comes from the work of John Gottman, The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work.
60
http://personalgrowth-programs.com/interactive_groups/
61
See http://personalgrowth-programs.com/advanced-ongoing-ifs-class/ for
details.
62
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Beginning/Pattern_System.aspx
63
http://thepatternsystem.wikispaces.com/
64
http://personalgrowth-programs.com/
65
http://www.selfleadership.com
66
http://personalgrowth-programs.com/products/
67
https://selftherapyjourney.com
68
http://www.personalgrowthconnect.com/
69
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Beginning/Pattern_System.aspx
70
http://thepatternsystem.wikispaces.com/
71
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Beginning/Quiz_Central.aspx
72
http://personalgrowth-programs.com/products/
73
http://personalgrowth-programs.com/products/
74
http://personalgrowth-programs.com/advanced-ongoing-ifs-class/