From Nonsense Novels by Stephen Leacock

Sorrows of a Super Soul or The memoirs of Marie Mushenbourg

Translated by machinery out of the original Russian

My heart is yearning for love. How is it that I can love no one? I have
tired and I cannot.
And Alexis Alexovitch! I cannot love him. And yet I am to marry him.
How they cramp and confine me here- Ivan Ivanovitch my father, and
my mother, katoosha katooshavitch, and all the rest. I cannot breathe.
They will not let me. Every time I try to commit suicide they hinder me.
Last night I tried again. I placed a vial of sulphuric acid on the table
beside my bed. In the morning it was still there. It had not killed me.
They have forbidden me to drown myself. Why!
This morning
How my heart beats. Today A MAN passed. He passed: actually passed.
From my window I saw him go to the garden gate and out into the
meadow beside the river where my Tchupvskja flower is growing! How
beautiful he looked! Not tall like Alexis Alexovitch, ah, no! but short and
wide and round shaped.
He wore a velvet jacket and carried a camp stool and an easel on his
back, and in his face was a curved pipe with a long stem, and his face
was not red and rough like the face of Alexis, but mild and beautiful and
with a smile that played on it. Do I love him? I cannot tell. Not yet. Love
is a gentle plant you cannot force it’s growth.
As he passed I leaned through my window and threw a rosebud at him.
But he did not see it. Then I threw a cake of soap and a toothbrush at
him. But I missed him and he passed on.
Another day
Love has come into my life. It fills it. I have seen HIM again. I have
spoken with him. He sat beside the river on his camp stool before him
was the easel and he was painting. I spoke to him. I know his name now.
It is Otto Dinkelspiel. Is it not a beautiful name? Ah!
He was painting on a canvas- beautiful colors, red and gold and white,.
“What are you painting?” I said “Is it the Heavenly Child?” “No” “It is a
cow!” then I looked again and I could see that it was a cow. I looked
straight into his eyes. “It shall be our secret,” I said “no one else shall
know.” And I knew that I loved him.
Two days later
Today Otto asked me for a keepsake. I offered one of my hatpins. But he
said no. He has taken instead the diamond buckle from my belt. I read
his meaning. He means that I am to him as a diamond is to lesser natures.
Next day
I have told Otto about Alexis. I have told him that Alexis is a soldier, that
he is in the Guards of the Czar, and that I am betrothed to him. He began
folding up his campstool. Then I told him that Alexis would not come for
some time yet, and he grew calmer. I have begged him for my sake not to
kill Alexis. He has given me his promise.
Another day
Ivan Ivanovitch, my father has herd from Alexis. He will return in
fourteen days. The day after his return I am to marry him.
And meantime I have still fourteen days to love Otto. My love is perfect.
It makes me want to die.
Five days later
Otto and I are not to die. We are to live; to live and love one another for
ever! Otto and I are to flee together.
Next day
Today I wandered about the house and garden and have said goodbye. I
have said goodbye to my Tchupvskja flower, and to the birds and bees.
Tomorrow it will all be over.
Next evening
How can I write what has happened! My soul is shattered to its depths.
Alexis has come back. He and Otto have fought.
, Alexis seized Otto by the waistband of his trousers and swung him
round and round in the air.
Alexis picked up the easel and smashed the picture over Otto’s head. It
fastened itself around his neck. Then Alexis picked Otto up with the
picture round his neck and threw him into the steam. He floated! My
paladin! He floated!
Then Alexis came to me and gathered me in his arms and carried me thus
across the meadow- he is so tall and strong- and whispered that he loved
me, and that tomorrow he would shield me from the world. He carried
me thus to the house among the grass and flowers; and there was my
father, Ivan Ivanovitch, and my mother Katoosha Katooshavitch. And
tomorrow I am to marry Alexis. How can I bear it? Alexis is to take me
to Petersburg, and he has bought a beautiful house in the Prospekt, and I
am to live in it with him, and we are to be rich, and I am to be presented
at the court of Nicholas Romanoff and his wife. Ah! Is it not dreadful?