5. Mating Strategies for Men -Lover or Provider, Short or Long Term?

This lesson is more tailored to men, but women can still learn plenty
from it.

Short/Long Term & Lover/Provider

To keep it simple, so far we talked of short/long term strategies and
lover/provider strategies as if the two were the same.

There is indeed a strong overlap, but the two are not the same.

Here is a chart to provide you with a quick overview of each

intersecting strategies, with corresponding behavior:
Red is the most exploitative strategy and where the interests and
intentions of both sexes diverge the most.

Light green works well for both and deep green is what presents the
biggest overlap between men and women, in the majority of cases -
and it’s the most common-.

Long-term lover is slightly better for the man because from a power
point of view, while the long-term provider is slightly better for the
woman.
But if we’re talking about the long term, then the power dynamics will
change enough that “how it started” will matter less and less.
The long-term lover also helps get rid of the Madonna/whore
dichotomy since she will not be playing the Madonna. But if you are
reading here, you will have enough mating intelligence to avoid the
Madonna games even as a provider.

Alright, so…
Which one should you go for?

Let’s see:

Sexual Strategies for Dating Success

Question:
What’s the best way for a man to date?

The answer depends on many variables, including what he wants.

Does he want a relationship?

Then a provider with lots of resources is the safest way to get a

“normal” relationship.

Does he want lots of quick and easy sex?

Then, presupposing that he is not born with great looks, super high-
status (celebrity level fame) and/or show-off of large resources is
the quickest way to get lots of casual sex.

Different strategies will tend to work better with different types of

women, of course, but ultimately every woman appreciates an
abundance of a positive trait.

The very sexy man, a strategy which from now on we’ll also refer to as
“inseminator” or “lover”, is also very effective, of course.
But if we had to rank strategies in terms of absolute returns, it would
probably be only third best.

Why?

Because attractive men still do the approaching.

Hollywood-style celebrities and men who throw money around have
girls approaching them.

Lover First, Provider After

For short-term, casual sex, there is no contest: the lover role is
superior.

But how about getting into a relationship?

Is it better to enter it as a lover, or as a provider?

Well consider what a few -a very tiny minority, to be precise- attractive

men do. They willingly hide their provider traits and go exclusively for
short-term dating and inseminator role.

Why so?

Because it can mean quicker sex for them.

Why?

Because women are not screening them for resources and are not
trying to look like good girls (more on it later).
Women are not auditioning these men for a long-term role in their
lives, they only need “attractive enough” or “fun enough” to enjoy the
sex or the adventure.
They don’t need hard and complicated screens and they don’t need to
present themselves in their best light.
The seduction is “you got a penis, I got a vagina, and… I’m a bit
horny”.

And entering the relationship as a lover and quick sex can also confer
more power and leverage in a possible future relationship.

Why?

Because entering a relationship as a non-providing lover (“lover”) adds

a “double-bind” attraction. First, she picked him for his genes
(attraction at a primal level) and now she even gets the resources?

Wow, what a win!

And that’s why some men play up their image of a roguish bad boy or
adventurer lover: because if she likes him, he can enjoy a quicker
seduction.

Exceptions: The Artist With Money

Of course, reality is rarely that cut and dry.

And as much as it’s possible for a rich man to be sexy and move
quickly, it’s also possible for a more “poor but sexy” lover type to add
wealth to the mix without losing the “roguish” lover appeal.

Everything is in the execution.

Look at this example from “The Saint”:

https://youtu.be/ClQRWgzXJLo

Van Kilmer plays the stereotypical lover with 100% of his value into
lover and 0% into provider.
Yet, her attraction spikes even higher when he shows he also got
money. He can combine the two because he treats money as a true
artist: money is just paper, he doesn’t care about it. Conveniently, he
also ends up leveraging “conspicuous consumption”, which is a very
effective seduction technique.

Anyway, back to our lover strategy now.

If “lover first” works so well, why would anyone go provider first?

The Risks of Being a Lover

The “lover first” strategy is riskier.

It’s riskier especially for more average men -but I’m sure most of the
readers think of themselves (comfortably) above average :)-.

1. It might not be her type of sexy

The first risk, even for attractive men, is that he doesn’t pull off “sexy
enough”. Or that he simply does not vibe with the type of sexy who
strikes her fancy.

2. If sex doesn’t happen quickly, he’s out

The second risk is how quickly sex happens.

If the seduction doesn’t quickly lead to sex, she will often turn so cold
towards him that she will completely write him off.

Why?

Because sexy men are supposed to make things happen quickly, and
if he doesn’t, then he has no more value (no sexy, no provider…
Next!).
Of course, it’s not always his fault that sex didn’t happen, but women
don’t think and act that way. Remember that women are risk-averse,
and if sex didn’t happen with a lover, maybe he’s such a great lover.
It’s his fault and he has lost his chance.

I cannot count how many women got excited around my display of

lover style and then lost interest when I could make sex happen.

3. You might trigger anti-slut defenses and she will turn cold and
disappear

“Anti-slut defense” refer to women not wanting to feel too easy.

It’s possible that anti-slut defenses evolved to complement male’s
inborn Madonna-whore dichotomy but, however they evolved, they are
real.

And when you go full-on lover, there is always that risk that she will
reject you because you make her feel slutty and too easy.
And it’s possible that, had you gone in a bit less sexual, she would
have liked you.

Sometimes this will also happen mid-interaction, or when the lead up

to sex takes too long.
And this is why the lover strategy is particularly dangerous for online
dating.

Here is a good texting example for this dynamic:

The lover framed was set, she was digging it, we were discussing
logistics… And then she unmatched me.
She likely felt she was being too easy, too slutty… And she cut the
interaction.

Plenty of other times that worked but, again, women are not all the
same.
The lover strategy is generally riskier with women low in sexual drive,
because you have sexual drive to leverage, and/or more on the
conservative spectrum, since they are more likely to feel slutty.

And this is also why the lover strategy, albeit it can work with anyone,
tends to work better with libertine women. Something to keep in mind
depending on what types of women you prefer.
4. Flawless seduction is expected: a small mistake, and he’s out

And of course, any small blunder and he’s out because he’s not much
of a lover if he mucks it up.

And that’s why the lover first strategy is risky.

And that’s also why many of the lovers, albeit they “say” that lover is
more reliable, they actually have to approach hundreds of women to
meet the one where everything goes smoothly.

The alternative dating strategy?

Enter then, the “slow-burning provider”.

Provider First, Lover Later

Presenting oneself as a provider with less sexual edge is slower but,
on average and for most people, safer.

Most men are providers at heart and date as providers most of the
times.

Wining and dining might be in the cards, but he is allowed

considerably more room for mistakes.
Part of the reason might not be very encouraging, but in part it’s
because most providers are held to a lower sexual standard than
lovers (but higher overall value).

On the other hand, it’s also easier to beat lower expectations of sexual
excitement (compared to lovers where it’s actually more likely he will
fall short of those exciting expectations).

The provider first strategy is a bit like saying “here are is me, here are
my qualities, here are my resources, and if we get along I might
commit them or a part of them to you”.
Stripped to the bone, it’s a quid-pro-quo of commitment, support and
resources in exchange for the opportunity of exclusive sexual access
and monopolization of he reproductive system.
And then, if the two get along well, she slowly accepts him as a lover
as well.

Some ways in which men show their willingness to provide include:

Picking her up
Taking her to dinner
Paying for her
Showing up well dressed and clean for her
Caring about her
Defending her and taking her side
Trying to look at their very best

The provider strategy works best with women who are looking for
commitment, of course.

Most women are happy with that path.

But if she saw him as cool and sexy, it’s also possible she would have
been OK with a quicker path to sex. Some women will take the slower
path, but some others will end up being disappointed and lose
attraction in him “I thought he was more exciting than that”, they will
tell to themselves as they lose attraction.

The advantages of Adding Provider Traits

Men go for the provider role for a few reasons:

– It works best for most men (most men are not super sexy)
– Has a higher batting average for most men (at parity of SMV, at
least)
– It allows men to get higher quality women who wouldn’t
otherwise sleep with him right away

The last one is the most crucial, and a mistake that some men
schooled in PUA can fall for.
They approach a woman, and think that it’s either she sleeps with him
quick, or he should move on to another woman who is more into him.

However, that way, they pass up a lot of high quality women, including
higher quality than they are, who might have paired up with them… If
they had offered more long-term value as well.
If these men stick with “lover first” only, they might end up with lower
quality women that they could otherwise get.

These are the advantages for men in committing to a woman:

1. Some higher quality women demand it

Some women might require investment and proof of love and

commitment before consenting to sex.

Sure, she might roll in the hay with one guy, but might demand wining
and dining for long term dating from another.
And it’s true that she might demand commitment from a guy whom
she perceives less sexy than the lover she might sleep with. But from
the provider point of view is still makes sense to provide and commit
because, that way, he can monopolize a higher quality female.

The sexier man might not have a shot at being long term with the
high-quality woman because the difference between his attractiveness
and the provider’s attractiveness plus the provider’s resources should
be huge to make it worth for her to forego any help.

2. Increasing the odds of paternity

Focusing on short-term dating only is not very likely to produce
children because it takes many sexual intercourses to conceive.

Men who committed and got constant sexual access to a woman

increased their odds of paternity.

3. Increasing the odds of children’s survival

Children are more likely to survive with a father.

4. Increasing the odds of children’s mating success

Children are more likely to be successful in the dating market if there

is a father who helps them develop (and accrue resources).
This is especially true in the case of sons, who benefit the most from a
father figure and who benefit the most if the father can help them
accrue resources with knowledge, direct transfers, and inheritance.

5. Increased social status and social network

If you’re single you might have missed on the “social status” boost that
married men get. I know I have for a long time.

But just think of this: how many single presidents have been running
your country in the last decades?
Chances are that most of them were married.

A married man can also leverage a larger network of people and the
extended family, both of which can be helpful.

In short: lover or provider are two different strategies, each adapting to

best to different individuals and circumstances.
One is not necessarily superior to the other in general terms, and each
must be assessed depending on the individual’s characteristics, and
the situation.
Women’s Dream Man: The Loyal Lover
Now women’s novels make sense.

Most women novels have the same story: a roguish Casanova who
sleeps around and breaks women’s hearts… But who somehow will
stop just for her.

Does it make sense now why some women love to fantasize about
that man?

That guy is the fantasy because he represents the mix of qualities that
women are after.

He is sexy and hot.

He successfully seduces women, which is a great trait to have in her
children. But who now stops just for her, providing as well.
And he fulfills her romantic love story fantasies, too.

Bingo!

In short: the sexy inseminator turns into a committed provider

just for her.

The final touch of this ideal man?

He is committed, but somewhat not 100%.

Love is a feeling of being out of control, and that slight fear keeps her
excited and in love.
There is a slight, unstated threat that he might be re-starting again on
his path of adventures, just to remind her daily of how lucky she is.

Should You Go Lover Or Provider Strategy?

90% of dating products will tell you that you should be a lover.

Of course, there is some conflict of interest there as the sellers are

selling you a “lover strategy”.
But, when all conditions positively align, then I would also recommend
a “lover-first strategy”.

However, conditions don’t always align.

And what you should really go for is what makes the most sense for
you and what maximizes your returns -or, alternatively, what you
prefer-.

Here are a few rules of thumbs to help you decide:

Q.: Are you around average or handsome?

– If you’re average-looking, provider might be more suited

– If you’re very handsome, lover will come easier to you

Looks are very important for short-term mating strategies and

incredibly helpful to move quicker with the lover style. There are
certainly ways around it, but it’s an important variable for you to take
into account.

Q.: Conservative of libertine culture?

– If you live in a conservative culture, provider might be more suited

– If live in a libertine culture, lovers have easier time

Cultures do shape behaviors, and they shift the curve of socio-sexual

orientations (ie.: the predisposition to engage in casual sex without
overthinking it).
Libertine cultures have more libertine women and quick sex is more
common and more expected.
In more conservative cultures you will encounter more conservative
women. Albeit it’s also possible to sleep quickly with a conservative
woman, the odds are stacked against a pure lover strategy.

Note: there can be exceptions for those who are in a conservative

culture, but are not from that country and culture, as “different”
behavior might be more accepted and expected from them.

Q.: Do you live in a big city or countryside?

– If you’re in the countryside, lover is much more challenging

– If you’re in a big city, then you’re in the right place for being a lover

Q.: What priority do you assign to women?

– If you have many competing interests, then keep in mind that the
lover might suck up lots of your time
– If women are really important to you and “notches” are
indispensable, then you should develop the lover’s skills

If you want to pursue a lover’s strategy because you want lots of

casual sex, keep in mind that it can be a lot of work.
Going to clubs if you don’t like clubbing is a drag.
And watch any honest day game YouTube channel, such as those
that show you the guy walking around with bod good and poor
interactions, and you will realize that it’s a huge time investment for
uncertain results.
You won’t necessarily have to do it for long, but since the lover
strategy requires some smoothness, it’s likely that you will have to
invest some time into it, and it can be a tough learning curve.

That’s why you should really think about what your priorities are.

Q.: What priority do you assign to other life pursuits?

– If you don’t have any other goal for your life, not even having a
family… Then, well, why not occupy your time with some skirt-
chasing?
– If you have big business goals or other life missions, you might
consider searching for relationship-minded women and go provider-
style

Note: but whatever you choose, you still need to learn female
psychology and power dynamics for a solid relationship.

Q.: What type of relationships do you prefer?

– If you’re more into relationships, then you don’t lose anything going
for provider
– If you’re into one night stands, then you should go for the lover

Q.: What type of girls do you prefer?

– Low sex drive, more conservative women respond better to a

provider
– High sex drive and more libertine respond better to a lover,
especially when they’re not yet in “settle down mode”

Different types of girls are best suited for different strategies.

It makes no sense to approach promiscuous wild party girls with a
provider strategy. And it’s not optimal to approach low sex-drive
women looking for a relationship with a “casual sex-first” mindset.

That being said, watch out not to jump to conclusions. Plenty of

women who look “serious” and reserved are instead high in sex drive
and just waiting for someone to help express it.

Be Like Water, My Friend

Finally, whatever you choose, it’s always best not to constrain yourself
into a role.

Seek to be a high-value person more than a given role, and you will
be able to make the most of each situation.
If you’re going for casual sex and lover style, you can always slow
down if one day you meet an inexperienced virgin who just doesn’t
trust you yet. Adapt, slow-date her, make sure she doesn’t get hurt,
and give her a great experience.

And if you’re going for a high-quality provider, you’re not tied to any
number of dates. You can always move quicker if you spot your lady is
primed for intimacy.

Finally, if you are thinking about potentially get into a relationship and
you might not get a woman as a lover but you might get her as a
provider, why not?

Think fluidly, and you will always be more successful.

Fluid minds always beat inflexible ones.

Maximizing Mating Strategies For Long-Term

Dating
From what we have said so far, in convenes that:

The best time to pair up for long-term dating and family planning is when
you are at your highest SMV

Should be obvious, right?

It is.
Funny how so few talk about it.

Settle in your 30s, focus on resources & mating intelligence

For men, it’s difficult to give an age.

A jobless man at 30 has fewer long-term mating opportunities than the

same man as a 60-year-old billionaire.
But so few men become billionaires that, for ease of
recommendations, we can probably exclude that.

Without being too strict and precise, I would say: after 27 and before
40 when it comes to age is the window that most men maximize their
SMV.

It’s good to use the younger years to experiment in the dating

marketplace and learn about women and female psychology, both
theoretically and practically.
That knowledge also increases your SMV and will help you become a
better leader and a better leader of relationships.

Do also focus on establishing a good career and acquiring resources.

The impact of resources and career vary depending on culture and
environment but, on average, we can say that they matter a lot.