01.

IN MY HEAD.

My body is froze, while my mind is being chased.

They say I’m lost in thoughts, but I’m just wandering.

I’ve built a world of my own, where I’m loved without my heart being torn.

To the world I’m helpless, but in my world I’m The help.

I can kill, I can save, I can love, I can loose.

Although at the end, it was all a muse.

No matter how desperately I crave to be buried in my imagination.

I repeatedly wake up just to be abandoned in the crowds of unfamiliar faces.

I’m a captive of the reality, a prisoner to the pattern of mere survival.

Though all I want is to be banished into the evermore of all my surreal fantasies.

Maybe then my dream to love and to be loved unconditionally would come TRUE.

05/06/2023
02

MAYBE SOMEDAY.

Maybe Someday I’ll have you to capture my gaze and carve a promise onto my soul with your words,
when you confess “I LOVE YOU”.

Maybe then my painful sighs would turn into peaceful breaths.

Maybe then I’ll no more survive but live.

Reality or fantasies, truths or thoughts.

No matter where I end up, I hope I end up with you.

At times I wonder, my head flooding with what-ifs.

But my questions will halt, the moment I recognize you.

You’ll be the answers to my quests.

And we’ll re-paint the “MAYBE” into memories.

05/06/2023
03.

IT’S YOU WHO I REMEMBER. .

When I hear about love, I’m reminded of you.

I’m reminded of you even though we haven’t crossed paths yet.

But I’m reminded of a calming smile with a comforting soul lit within.

I’m reminded of A reassuring hug with overflowing love in the eyes

Promising words and protective holds.

Sweet nothings and endless togetherness

I tell you about my day while you tell me about yours.

We confess the past while picturing the future.

Me returning to you whenever I’m homesick.

And you feeling at home whenever with me.

05/06/2023
04.

MY EYES.

EYES, can captivate a soul underneath it’s gaze.

Once trapped, it’s a Never-ending chain of maze.

Whiskey brown or ocean blue, emerald green or hazel hues.

They all speak the same sign and judge the same view.

But would you believe me if I told you that I resent my eyes.

Though once I believed they were beautiful until I was told otherwise.

I wish my eyes held the power, the power to pull a mind out of its darkest depths.

I wish they were perfect, perfect enough to fall in love with.

How can I look into your eyes, when I’m mortified to let you look into mine.

While I fight back disappointment, acceptance has become my cure.

Is it okay if I burden you with the hope, hope that you can change my mind.

Is it okay if I hope for you to know the way, the way to untangle my confidence from the insecurity that
are intertwined.

Is it okay if expect you to accept my flaws, the flaws that define me.

Tell me, if I looked into to your eyes,

Would you look away or look back into mine.

12/06/2023
05.

LOVE AND ME.

My reasoning to evading love,

Evolved from, I don’t want to be hurt to I don’t want to hurt.

I wouldn’t marry anybody undeserving to I wouldn’t marry me either.

From hoping for TRUE love to settling for loveless treatment.

From praying for a future filled with love to accepting a lifetime of loneliness.

From wanting to be blinded by love to being convinced I’ll never experience the look of love.

From “I’ll be loved someday” to “I’ll learn to live with myself”.

From I deserve better to you’ll find someone better.

How did I end up feeling so unworthy, I’m consumed by the darkness of the sleepless nights.

Will I ever find a way to change my mind, survive to see the dawn.

Am I going to rot Through the night, trapped by the voices in my head.

Or will I wake up from my nightmares, embracing the love that I’ll finally claim.

13/06/2023
06.

HAVE YOU EVER ?

Have you ever dream of me or wondered how far I am ?

Have you ever wanted to know if I exist ?

Have you ever felt the urge to find your way to me ?

Or have you ever thought I wouldn’t be what you need ?

Cause I did.

09/08/2023
07.

IF YOU EVER FALL OUT OF LOVE.

If you ever feel it was a mistake.

If you ever feel It isn’t what you want.

If you ever find it suffocating.

If you ever find it heart-breaking.

Do you promise to tell me ?

If you ever feel that I’m not enough.

If you ever feel that I’m not the one.

If I ever fail to make you feel special enough.

If I ever dared to drop your heart.

Do you promise to tell me ?

If you ever realize that I’m not your home.

If you ever recognise it in someone else.

If you ever stopped to look at me the same.

If you ever stopped to love me at all.

Do you promise to tell me ?

If you ever feel you don’t belong with me.

If you ever feel I’m not the other piece that completes you.

If you ever find true love, that I couldn’t give.

If you can’t stay and want to leave.

Do you promise to tell me ?

Because,

If I dropped your heart, I would pick it up,

I’ll fix the pain and make it right.

But,

If you ever choose to drift paths.

I would let you go with all my heart.

I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to leave.

I wouldn’t break your heart by holding you back.

So, if you ever fall out of love.

Do you promise to tell me ?

PS.

Don’t fall in love,

If you can’t walk away when needed to.

Don’t fall in love,

If you can’t stay even though you don’t need to.

08.

DEFINITION OF LOVE.

When humans invented the term unconditional love, they forgot to leave a definition behind.

So the rest of us are burdened to find it ourselves.

And each of us ends up finding a different one.

And somehow every single one happens to be right.

And mine happens to be YOU.

09/08/2023
09.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE STORY ?

If perfect love stories are a myth,

Than how do Lovers win the depths of darkness.

Just to see their love smile,

A smile that speaks more than words could ever.

There are a million kinds of love plots,

Unrequited and unloved.

Happily ever after and maybe in another life.

One of a kind and the only kind

The one that’ll kill and the one that’ll become the sacrifice.

But the kind we have is my dearest.

Lovers are insufferable, blinded by love they said,

But when your in my sight, I’m blind to everything else.

Maybe you’ll start believing the authors and the poets,

When you meet the one, who’ll turn the myth into something meaningful.

20/08/2023
10.

MY MUSE.

Did you know, that you are my muse ?

Thinking of you is an escape I use.

Among a million choices, your all I’ll choose,

Will you be with me against the rules ?

20/08/2023
11.

BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN NEVER TO HAVE LOVED AT ALL.

What if I promised you of the heartbeat,

Heartbeat that nothing but my love could make you feel.

But also I warned you of the heartbreak,

Heartbreak that’s beyond mending.

Would you still give us a chance ?

We could hold each other from falling apart or

End up tearing each other’s hearts into parts.

We could be the love of our lives or

The darkest regret of a lifetime.

We could be a sunset or a storm.

We might be the endgame or the end of each other.

We might plant a our garden or end up destroying each other’s forest.

But if we don’t give each other a chance than what’s the worst.

Cause like they say, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

20/08/2023
12.

YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE.

Every time I loose hope for love,

You make your way out through my doubts.

I imagine you holding my hand like a promise,

And smiling with your eyes that feels like a kiss.

I never see myself walking through it alone.

You’re always beside me, harmonizing our footsteps in parallel rhythm.

Which makes me believe that invisible sting of fate is not a myth.

Even when we are miles apart, I can feel your love wavering over my heart.

I’ve been looking for love all my life.

Though can live without it, it’s unfair to not give it a try.

Surrounded by people who are suppose to be my home.

But the farthest I could connect was through mind and not soul.

And when comes the time when we finally meet.

A first meet that feels like a reunion.

And I’ll know, If giving love a chance was worth it.

Cause trust me when I say, You are my only hope.

29/08/2023
13.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE ?

When I say love, your all I think about.

When I’m asked about love, you’re the only one my heart will point at.

If you ask me, If I’ve ever been in love

I’ll look into your eyes and confess, “only once”.

But what if for you, I’m not the only.

And there’ll be someone from your past who’s better than me.

Someone who’s a better lover than me.

Cause it’s not fair for me to feel like in heaven with you while you still walk on Earth with me.

29/08/2023
14.

WHAT IS LOVE ?

I’ve realised, love isn’t just an exaggerated concept.

It’s holding tight from drifting apart.

It’s looking into your eyes not wanting to look away.

It’s Searching for your soul in a crowded room of bodies.

It’s ignoring the entire world just to listen to your heart beat.

It’s communicating with no words.

It’s vulnerability that make our eyes see through.

It’s finding a meaning in every single word you speak.

Because when you speak, I don’t just hear but feel it.

The beats of your heart is a language that I’m fluent in.

Don’t you dare doubt it when I say, your heart keeps us both alive.

30/08/2023
1.

People don’t seem to love me,

They merely tolerate me.

2.

There were times I’d wonder about me being so unlikable.

Than I realised,

I wouldn’t marry me either.

3.

I hope pretending to be fine would maybe someday turn into actually being fine.

4.

I’m not happy,

I’m not sad either.

I’m in mere acceptance,

Of my twisted fate.

5.

I’m in search of a home.

Not the one with the walls and a roof,

But the one with a heart and a soul.

6.

Is it too much to ask for,

To love like nobody matters.

Is it too much to ask for,

To be loved like I’m all that matters.

7.

I let it hurt, until it didn’t matter anymore.

8.

Loosing you was a lesson,

While loving you was an honour.

9.

If you curse me, I will bless you.

If you hate me, I will love you anyway.

10.

I often wondered why aren’t people afraid of loosing me.

Only to find out that they’ll have one less problem without me.

Maybe that’s why.

11.

Am I really that hard to love ?

12.

Pain lights up the poet in you.

13.

Life’s insane,

Someone who once was your definition love,

Turns into something that reminds you of hate.

And it’s a never-ending cycle.

14.

If you don’t want me anymore,

Just say the word,

And I’ll be gone.

It’s that simple.

15.

How can I blame others for not loving me enough when I myself can’t bring me together to love myself.

16.

If we are not meant to be,

We are just ruining each other’s lives by being together.

17.

To love unconditionally means to never hurt, ever.

18.

Women in the 1800’s had both pretty dresses and pretty thought but sadly only the dresses were
appreciated.

19.

True love is,

When your asked to leave and you walk away.

Because true love is killing yourself to bring someone else back to life.

20.

I once read that people are not home, they can never be and I see it now.
21.

How do you feel being alone ?

The beauty of being alone is that you don’t feel anything.

Your just existing.

22.

To humans, whatever is beyond their knowledge doesn’t exist.

23.

I can’t give you stars and moon if you are not even willing to give me hand picked pebbles from the sea
shore.

I mean shouldn’t the effort be equal, if not what’s the point of claiming to be in love.

24.

I’d rather cry tears of acceptance than tears of disappointment.

25.

Home is neither a place nor a person,

It’s a feeling, a feeling that tells you that you’re enough.

26.

Winning is not defeating everyone and reaching the top.

Winning is a feeling, feeling proud of oneself.

27.

I complained about not being chosen not being The One, but how did I fail to recognize that I myself
never chose me.

Well now I do, I choose myself.

28.
I complain about not being loved enough, maybe the little love im given is all I deserve.

29.

Your friends are meant to keep you company not save you.

30.

Don’t fall in love,

If you can’t walk away when needed to.

Don’t fall in love,

If you can’t stay even though you don’t need to.

31.

WHAT AM I.

Am I lazy, or just exhausted.

Am I rude, or just hurt.

Am I isolated, or just healing.

Am I lost, or just wandering.

Am I naïve, or just kind.

Am I weak, or just sensitive.

Am I arrogant, or just brave.

Am I loud, or just speaking up.

Am I quite, or just thinking.

Am I silent, or just calm.

Am I far gone from the shore,

Or sailing towards an endless more.

JOURNAL – 01
Dear future me, I hope you’re happy.

Today I’ve finally convinced myself to start recording my disoriented fate into a journal, just like the
other multitudinous times I did and failed.

I sincerely pray that I don’t sound humiliating because the sole purpose of this is to be explicit about
my feelings and not go insane with all the locked up emotions. I hold out hope that I don’t regret this.

Lately everything feels against me, everyone seems against me, All people do is hurt me with no fear
of loosing me. There’s no single soul I can call mine, there is no single person to claim me. Im just
feeling lonelier with each day and the worst part is im starting to like it. I’m feeling pathetic and
worthless because people told me so and I believed it. I tried to change my mind but lost. Stuck in this
never-ending pattern of recovering from pain only to fall back deeper again. I hope I survive to see the
future.

All I’m hoping right now is that life will get better probably not in the way I imagined it to be but surely
in the way it’s meant to be.

At the end no matter what ,we live for the hope of it all.

21/06/2023

19 years old

JOURNAL - 02.
Dear future me, I hope you’ve stopped hurting.

It’s getting worse,

The pictures playing in my head, My own voice screaming at me to turn heartless, fresh reasons to be
hurt, loneliness, feeling worthless, Chocking on my own muffled cries, the closest people turning into
strangers,

It’s all getting worse.

It really hurts that, when I talk I don’t feel heard. They don’t hesitate to hurt me. Nobody is afraid to
loose me, while I’m so afraid to loose them that I literally beg them to forgive me. Yes, I begged.
Followed them everywhere they went even when they pretended to ignore me and had conversations
intentionally excluding me to hurt me, I kept repeating “Sorry” until the word lost it’s meaning. I wept
while I apologized.

Didn’t stop until they would accept me back. But why does Nobody seem to give a fuck when it is me
who’s hurting. I was hurt so bad that I cried in front of all that hurt me. But still no trace of apology or
guilt. Never once was I comforted or confronted. Though I have accepted all of it. It never seemed to
hurt less.

It’s only getting worse.

So worse that I have to remind myself to breathe while I’m drowning in my pain.

IT’S KILLING ME, MY SOUL.

25/06/2023

19 years old

JOURNAL - 03
Dear future me, I hope we’ve stopped screwing up people’s lives in the name of love.

If you remember this day you might as well recall the feelings but I hope you don’t cause it’ll hurt as
hell.

All I’ve ever wanted was to love and to be loved but that’s the only thing that’s missing in my life for
quite a while now. I’m not receiving any love nor am I giving. And now I’m used to it.

I guess it’s me who’s the problem. Nobody seems genuinely happy because of me and everybody
chooses me to hurt and abandon so I guess there’s something really wrong with me. Maybe I’m not
good enough or worth fighting for.

I’m not playing innocent or victim, nor am I trying to prove myself or justifying my acts.

I just know I ruin people’s lives in the name of love and nobody can convince me otherwise.

I think the only good I could do to people is by staying away from them. A life without me in it would
just be perfect as long as I don’t barge in and ruin it and call it love.

Special Note – learn to live with yourself.

05/07/2023

19 years old

JOURNAL – 04
Dear future me, Please tell me that were happy.

I can’t breath, it’s suffocating and I’m having to remind myself to breath. They’re not breaths anymore
they’ve turned into heavy painful sighs.

I feel lonely like never before, it’s like everyone left me at the same time. In the beginning of the year I
was so happy about being surrounded by people I love and now halfway through the year I’m lonely.

I lost a lot, almost everything and all of them are people. And they’ve lost me too maybe for forever.
I’ve turned bitter, my life’s turned bitter.

Loved ones turning into strangers, love turning into numbness. I’m becoming insufferable.

05/07/2023

19 Yeats old.

JOURNAL - 05
Dear future me, Do we still dream ?

I encountered a video on social media just now and it pretty much called me out.

Suga’s interview where he shares a piece of his life. He said “ You become an adult the moment you
stop dreaming” and I felt that in my bones.

That’s exactly what I’m going through right now.

I’m starting to stop dreaming whereas dreaming was my favorite part of the day. I used to dream of a
future of rainbows and sunshine. A successful career along with the love of my life. But now I only
dream half of what I used to and it’s constantly declining. They are no rainbows and sunshines but hell
fire and thunder storms.

My mind doesn’t play pictures of happiness anymore I’m utterly fucked in my head. Maybe someday
my dreaming will thoroughly come to an end and I’ll be nothing but a grown ass adult with a forsaken
soul.

08/07/2023

19 years old

JOURNAL - 06
Dear future me, Found him yet ?

I guess this is the my first record on my feelings that appreciates love.

Well I know I’m an ass for training myself to deny love. To constantly preach to myself that I need
nobody nor anybody’s love. It’s foolish of me to judge love when I haven’t gotten a chance to
experience it. How can I call out love to be cruel when I haven’t gotten a chance to fall in it.

Maybe it’s the fear that’s making me do it.

The fear of me falling in love with him so hopelessly that I might not survive without him holding my
hand along the path.

Maybe the fear that he might fall out of love when he’s still all I’ll ever want.

Maybe the fear of him walking away while I’m still standing where he left me hoping for him to return
back.

Or Maybe the fear that I might kill his beautiful soul with my unresolved trauma from the hurt of the
past.

Maybe the fear of him falling in love with someone else, someone who isn’t me.

Maybe the fear that I’ll let him choose her over me.

What if he breaks my heart or what if I break his.

What if we made a mistake thinking it was love.

There’s only one answer to all my quests. HIM.

So, Found him yet ?

26/07/2023

19 years old

JOURNAL - 07
Dear future me, Another day, another reason to hurt.

Should I just quit, quit hoping ?

To be happy and will that make it hurt less ?

Because every time I gain a grain of hope to be happy I’m disappointed as the hope shatters into
nothing. And it only adds up more pain to my already existing pain. Well I mean if it keeps getting
worse until the point where it’s too late than I might not survive the tragedy, So I guess I should make
a choice. A choice that would keep me alive. A choice that would stop me from drowning. A choice
that would mold me to stop hoping and go hopless. Should I make the choice, The choice of quitting
hope.

27/07/2023

19 years old.

JOURNAL - 08

Dear future me, don’t you dare mock me for this.

Firstly, I’m aware that I talked about finding true love in my previous journal record which wasn’t too
long ago. Yet here I am with a brand new personality and an ultimate choice.

Speaking of a pristine personality I’ve settled on committing myself to appreciate the bliss of
independence. To make it sound more dramatic I’ve made up Me mind to belive that I’m on my own
and it’s just me and it’ll always be.

(New beginning rules)

1. God is all I’ll ever need.

2. Stop hoping for unconditional love.

3. Acceptance.

4. Learn to live with myself.

5. Stop hoping to be people’s first priority.

Though I made this choice cause I was lonely and ignored and though I made this choice to stop
feeling pathetic and hopeless I’m happy to end up here.

Once I find my purpose and worth. Once I achive to be happy on my own and once I figure out how to
live with myself with pure independence I know everything will be fine and I can finally confess with
humble pride swelling my chest that, I won. I will, I know I can.

28/07/2023

19 years old.

JOURNAL - 09

Dear future me, I just fucked up.

Remember your 2nd Semester jury in college about healing space. If you remember it I hope you also
remember how terribly I messed up.

Today started beautiful until 9 am then it turned into an default day of my life, meaning everything
being fucked up. Got yelled at, was called out to be wrong. I’m starting to think that maybe it is my
fault. Now I can confidently confirm that, I’m the problem. Without me everything would be perfect.
Agrrrhh I hate myself. Well it’s morning now so I guess I’m gonna spend the whole day hating myself.

My teacher was kind to me today even though it was the only good thing that happened to me today I
hated it. And realised that I’m hating it when people nice to me cause that give me hope and I don’t
want to hope. Because hope means expectations means disappointed means me heartbroken and
hurt, so I’m avoiding love now. How ridiculous but atleast it keeps me at peace. Arghhh my life’s
getting worse, again.

PS – it’s evening now I’m so sad that I’m crying, crying so bad that my chest is hurting, I’m physically
aching and I’m just so exhausted both physically and mentally.

02/08/2023

19 years old

JOURNAL - 10

Dear future me, You better make sure there’s a party thrown on the day that we die.
Yup. I mean it. I’m feeling better lately. I’m healing. The pain, sobbing and tears remain. But now I’m
not just hurting but also learning. I’m happy. I’m proud of myself.

I’m succeeding in learning to live with myself.

I’ve stopped searching for love in others, and have found it in myself. Trust me when I say I’m writing
this with a quite mind, calm heart and a smile on my face, a real one. I’m also not sighing but
breathing.

I’m also starting to understand what I want in a relationship. Well, I’ve realized that I don’t want him
to save me rather I want him to run away with me.

There’s one thing in particular I want to change about the way I think. Whenever I write me journals I
imagine him reading this. Well, I want it to stop. I don’t want to write this so that he could read this
and know me better through my past, rather I want my future self to look back at it and feel proud.

And about the greetings of this journal. I know when I die I’ll be going to a better place. The place I’m
meant to be. So my death will never scare me rather it’ll excite me. If death is what will unite me with
God than I’m prepared. So, they better throw a party on the day that we die.

PS. I know things are going to be rough for the next few days regarding me low attendance and a huge
sum of fine due to it. It’s going to be hell on Earth. But guess what, I’ll survive.

12/08/2023

19 years old

JOURNAL - 11

Dear future me, The war is over.

Today after 5 months he reached out to me and I responded too. But guess what, I felt nothing.

So hereby I announce that my Situationship of twelve years which even the person on the other side
isn’t aware of has found it’s ending, A happy one.

The Chapter’s closed and I’m never opening it again. Never, like ever.

PS. I bid the final goodbye to my feelings, I’m proud of me. I hope you are too.

16/08/2023

19 years old.

JOURNAL - 12

Dear future me,

I feel it, The PEACE.

30/08/2023

19 years old.