Self-Esteem Versus Narcissism

The Value of Self-Esteem and the Dangers of Narcissism

Published on June 6, 2012 by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
As a culture, we are highly concerned with self-esteem. And this is a good thing. How we feel about ourselves
determines how we treat those around us and vice versa. In 1890, William James identified self-esteem as a
fundamental human need, no less essential for survival than emotions such as anger and fear. And yet, we
often fail to measure the many distinctions between self-esteem and vanity, or we fail to understand how our
actions and reactions can serve to reinforce one as opposed to the other.
Dr. Sheldon Solomon makes the point that self-esteem is "controversial as some claim that it is vitally
important for psychological and interpersonal well-being, while others insist that self-esteem is unimportant or
is associated with increased violence and social insensitivity." He goes on to say that "those who claim that
high self-esteem is problematic and associated with increased aggression are either consciously or accidentally
confusing or self-esteem with narcissism."
The distinction between self-esteem and narcissism is of great significance on a personal and social level. Self-
esteem differs from narcissism in that it represents an attitude built on accomplishments we've mastered,
values we've obeyed to, and care we've shown toward others. Narcissism, on the contrary, is often based on a
fear of failure or weakness, a focus on one's self, an unhealthy drive to be seen as the best, and a deep
insecurity and basic feeling of inadequacy. So where do these attitudes come from? And why do we form
them?
Studies have shown that children offered compliments for skills they haven't mastered or talents they do not
possess are left feeling as if they'd received no praise at all, often even emptier and less secure. Only children
praised for real accomplishments were able to build self-esteem. The others were left to develop something far
less desirable--narcissism. Unnatural pressure can lead to increased insecurities and anxieties that raise
narcissism over self-confidence.
Narcissism encourages envy and hostile competitions, where self-esteem supports compassion and
cooperation. Narcissism favors control, where self-esteem acknowledges equality. Narcissism involves
arrogance, where self-esteem reflects humility. Narcissism is insulted by criticism, where self-esteem is
improved by feedback. Narcissism makes it necessary to pull down others in order to stand above them. Self-
esteem leads to perceiving every human being as a person of value in a world of meaning.
Society plays a role in nurturing self-esteem or narcissism. Dr. Solomon explains, "Self-esteem is ultimately a
cultural construction, because the standards of value by which people judge themselves are derived from
following social standards." These standards can either provide ways for people to feel good about themselves,
or they can promote unrealistic expectations that can only destroy self-esteem. Solomon comments that in
America, a man has to be rich and successful, and a woman has to be young and thin. He states, "Our kids are
taught at a very early age to follow a set of values that is not possible for the average individual. And so it
shouldn't surprise us that a third of the American population is depressed and another third is addicted to
drugs and alcohol, and the final third is watching television or shopping for a chain saw or a lemon."
Feeling good about yourself as a person and acceptable for who you are allows you to move through your life
with a sense of purpose, significance, and value. In order to gain a sense of self, we must perceive ourselves as
valuable members of a society that means something. Giving back, and offering compassion, aid, and empathy
are key to realizing our value. Thus, building self-esteem is about building beyond ourselves, a sense of
community, camaraderie, and equality among our fellow human beings.
1. What is the difference between self-esteem and vanity or narcissism?

2. Do you think that a leader, like a president, should have good self-esteem? Why?

3. Knowing how people with low self-esteem act, what do you think about bullies? Are they a good
example of vanity or self-esteem?
4. Make a plan to encourage self-esteem in your school, make a list of possible activities for kids and
teenagers that would help them feel good about themselves.

5. Think about someone you know that has good self-esteem and describe this person, how can you tell
that he or she feels good about himself or herself?