PRESENT ARMS EPISODE 12

PREVIOUS EPISODE RECAP

BRIGADIER LEONTIOS KARAKOSTAS: The Americans are sending a representative

today.

COLONEL LEFTERIS GOULAS: What for?

LEONTIOS: To retrieve the machine.

COLONEL THANASIS SKORDAS: I’d forgotten it was broken.

GLIKERIA BOTONI: I’d forgotten we were keeping it here.

FRANTZESKA: I don’t drink with soldiers. I’ve been deeply hurt.

TASOS KARIPIDIS: Whoa! Why, what happened?

FRANTZESKA: I can’t tell you. I don’t know you.

NATALIA MARGARONI: I don’t believe it! It’s from my ex-husband. He wants to take the
caravan!

LEFTERIS: The Army IT Support Centre have informed us about an online data breach
concerning our camp.

TASOS: Uh-oh.

TASOS: How is that gonna work? If he sees me fixing it...

TASOS: The repair work will be carried out outside the camp.

THODORIS SOURLINGAS: Thodoris Sourlingas, Greek delegate o’ the Americans.

LEFTERIS: Are you Greek-American, sir?

THODORIS: Nay, lad! I’m from Larisa.

TASOS: I was in a really weird space last night and…

FRANTZESKA: And?
TASOS: And I guess I wanted to let off some steam after an awful rejection! I’m truly,
deeply sorry.

FRANTZESKA: That’s OK. No problem. We’re fine.

LEFTERIS: How can we delay him?

SOTIRIS DALEKAS: You want to delay him? Leave it to me.

SOTIRIS: Who pulled strings to get you hired, frybread?

THODORIS: What did he say? Did he call me “frybread”?

LEFTERIS: 20 days’ extended service! “Frybread”, indeed. For shame!

SECOND LIEUTENANT IRINI VARKARI: How’s it going?

TASOS: Not so well. Part of the device is ruined.

IRINI: Which part is that?

TASOS: Its heart.

FRANTZESKA: Do you reckon the two of them will make up?

FILIS: I dunno. They might. Why, do you care?

FRANTZESKA: Not at all.

MARINOS ANTYPAS: I started out just messing with Vangelis, but something happened
along the way.

NATALIA: Something changed inside you?

MARINOS: Exactly. What do you have to say?

NATALIA: That you’re not at all well.

VANGELIS MARGARONIS: That’s why I think it’s time for you to pack your things.

NATALIA: I don’t understand. Are you telling me to leave?

VANGELIS: We need distance.

THODORIS: (indistinct)
TASOS: We've got a problem.

THANASIS: Where are you now? We’ll come find you.

TASOS: It switched off, man!

ELTON BEJAS: Damn, the battery died! And I forgot my charger.

TASOS: That’s it. It’s all over for me.

EKTORAS PAPANIDIS: I didn’t give him valerian. I gave him Thamakrin. And I think I gave
him a little more than the recommended dose.

LEFTERIS: Forget Somalia. We’re getting sent straight to the firing squad.

OPENING TITLES

THANASIS: Is he definitely unconscious?

LEFTERIS: No, he’s just in a huff.

THANASIS: Doctor, what is the official diagnosis?

EKTORAS: Colonel, sir, the official diagnosis is that the pills have knocked him out,
colonel, sir.

LEFTERIS: What the bloody hell did you give him?

EKTORAS: Thamakrin.

THANASIS: Is that a pill?

EKTORAS: A damn good pill. It’s incredibly effective in combating hair loss. I meant to give
him valerian, but I mixed up the pills.

LEFTERIS: He’s dead to the world! There should be hair growing on his teeth by now. Do
your shitty pills have any side effects?

EKTORAS: None whatsoever! It’s just that 5% of patients may experience drowsiness,
vertigo, catarrh, angina, a tendency to vomit, itchy skin, red spots, catatonia, intense
fatigue, diarrhoea, droopy eyelids, alopecia or kidney failure. They may also go into a mini
coma or develop a third nipple.

THANASIS: I think it’s quite obvious which of these symptoms he’s experiencing.

LEFTERIS: Can you see a third nipple on him?

THANASIS: I meant the mini coma!

LEFTERIS: We’ve put an American in a mini coma. We’re screwed, even if he’s from
Larisa.

THANASIS: You’re screwed. Your doctor knocked him out!

EKTORAS: Me? Sirs, I must protest! I simply observed the problem and treated him
appropriately.

THANASIS: You gave him the wrong pills and put him in a mini coma!

LEFTERIS: Don’t talk to Papanidis that way. He’s a great scientist, the pride of the medical
community!

THANASIS: You’re telling me how to talk to him? You tear into him all day long for studying
plastic surgery in Bulgaria!

LEFTERIS: Take responsibility for your mistakes, mister! We all know who cocked things
up with the device.

THANASIS: Don’t worry about the device at all. Karipidis is handling it.

TASOS: I’ll get 50 days’ extended service when they find out I posted that review on
Rookieland. For sure. And I’ll get another 50 for the device. No doubt. 100 days’ extended
service all told. Great.

ELTON: Karipidis, I can’t find a cell phone charger. Are you sure you didn’t bring yours?

TASOS: No! I told you I didn’t.

ELTON: What are we gonna do? We’ve got a flat tyre.

TASOS: Don’t you have a spare tyre?

ELTON: I do, but I lent my car jack to a friend so he could lift his house.

TASOS: His house?

ELTON: Yeah, it’s a bit flooded because of the rain, so he wants to tilt the water out.

TASOS: So how are we gonna lift the car now?

ELTON: I’ll lift it. You change the tyre fast, so I don’t throw my back out.

TASOS: Can you really lift up a whole car, you absolute beast?

ELTON: I’ll give you a small demonstration. And don’t try this at home. It’s not for
everyone.

TASOS: Elton, what’s wrong? What happened?

ELTON: Either something dropped, or something filled up. We’ll see.

TASOS: Can you walk, at least?

ELTON: I can, but I won’t be able to have children after this. Why do you ask?

TASOS: If the camp is close, maybe we can get there on foot.

ELTON: It’s a few miles away, but we can do it.

TASOS: Well, if it’s only a few miles away, let’s go!

ELTON: Hold on, man. I’m not having a good time. Let’s take a break.

TASOS: We don’t have time. How many miles is it from here?

ELTON: Three miles and 900 metres with no battery.

TASOS: We’ve only walked 100 metres? We don’t have a hope in hell!

ELTON: Don’t say that, man. We’ve made 100 metres of progress. That should be your life
motto. No matter how small a step is, it’s a step forward!

TASOS: Fine. Did we bring water with us? I’m parched.

ELTON: I forgot it in the van! Let’s go back and get it.

GLIKERIA: Yes, Brigadier. I have paper. Tell me, what’s your message?

LEONTIOS: The Army IT Support Centre sent me the leak we were talking about. It’s a
review on some stupid app. Write this down, please. The colonels might be able to
discover the guilty man.

GLIKERIA: I’m sure they will.

LEONTIOS: Yeah, right. Now, write this down. “The camp is a nightmare. The place is
littered with broken American equipment. The officers are dating each other and fighting in
the camp. It’s a mess!”

GLIKERIA: Who’s the toerag who wrote this vulgar abuse?

LEONTIOS: I don’t know! It was an anonymous review. Tell me something, Glikeria. You’re
a lovely girl. Is the camp really a mess like this guy is saying?

GLIKERIA: What are you saying, sir? Of course not. Especially now that Mr Goulas is here
and running a tight ship. We’re already incredibly well-disciplined.

MARINOS: Don’t touch me, dumbass!

VANGELIS: Get out of my way!

LEONTIOS: What’s going on in there, Glikeria? Well, it looks like the tight ship is sinking.

GLIKERIA: What’s wrong with you two this time?

MARINOS: I want to snitch for the first time and nominate Margaronis for five days’
extended service.

VANGELIS: Nominate? This isn’t Survivor!

MARINOS: Fine! I want to put him on report for punishment.

GLIKERIA: Firstly, you can’t put anyone on report. Secondly, what’s the reason?

MARINOS: He’s bullying me and standing between me and my love.

GLIKERIA: And who is your love, Antypas?

VANGELIS: My mum.

GLIKERIA: You need your head looked at.

VANESA KAPSALI: Come on, Glikeria! It’s urgent. Karipidis has the device and he’s stuck
in the middle of nowhere with Elton ’s car.

GLIKERIA: Whereabouts? I’ll send a jeep.

VANESA: We have no idea. You need to go to Filis’ restaurant to find out more.

GLIKERIA: Can’t I just call?

VANESA: No, Glikeria, you can’t just call! You need to go down there. Phones can’t be
trusted anymore.

GLIKERIA: Fine, I’ll go! But the colonel will hear about this.

MARINOS: Great. Can we tell you about our problem now?

VANESA: No. I don’t give a shit about your problem.

GLIKERIA: You don’t know who you’re messing with, Kapsali. Natalia? Are you crying?

NATALIA: Leave me alone. I don’t deserve anyone’s concern.

GLIKERIA: Where have you been? The colonels are looking for you. They need the food
for the American representative.

NATALIA: The door’s jammed. Any day now, a crane is going to turn up and tow away my
caravan.
GLIKERIA: Don’t tell me you’re still paying off this jalopy.

NATALIA: No. My ex-husband wants it. He even sent me a demand from a lawyer.

GLIKERIA: Seriously? He hired a lawyer for this?

NATALIA: He just wants to keep me away from my child. And in the end, not even my son
wants me. Everyone is abandoning me.

GLIKERIA:
That’s enough of the pity party, Natalia. Nobody’s abandoning you. What time is it?

NATALIA: No, it’s the truth. It’s been like this ever since I was a girl. Sooner or later, all my
little friends would abandon me to play with the other children. So I suppose that’s my fate.
Leave me alone! Glikeria? Are you there? It’s just like I said. Everyone abandons me!

FILIS: (singing)
“I met you on the beach
You were wearing a neckerchief”

FRANTZESKA! The phone’s ringing. Answer it. I’m mopping the floor.

FRANTZESKA: They’ll be calling about the order! I’m cooking.

FILIS: Be polite and feed them the usual line.

FRANTZESKA: Don’t worry. Hello, this is Mama’s House. Oh, the order? Yes, the delivery
boy’s on his way. No, he’s just making another stop first. Don’t worry, your food will be
there in two hours at most. You have a good rest of the day, too. How did I do?

FILIS: Fantastic. They’ll be so pleased. Hey, what’s this? It’s your boyfriend’s hat.

FRANTZESKA: Shut up and go deliver the order, Filis. I don’t see Elton coming back.

GLIKERIA: Can someone bring me up to speed, please?

FILIS: All hail the gambler queen!

GLIKERIA: Where could Elton and our soldier have burst their tyre?

FILIS: Wanna search for them together?

FRANTZESKA: They got a flat tyre? Oh, no! I told him not to lend out his car jack.

FILIS: See? Thanks to your boyfriend, we can’t make deliveries now.

FRANTZESKA: What boyfriend, birdbrain? Skordas sent him here with Elton and the
device.

GLIKERIA: Hold on, folks. I’m not caught up here. You have a boyfriend? Tell me, or I’ll
burst!
FRANTZESKA: Don’t you have a game to bet on?

GLIKERIA: That’s why I want details. So I can bet on when you’ll break up.

FILIS: Seriously now, Glikeria, what’s Karipidis like? Just so we know who we’re letting into
our home.

FRANTZESKA: Drop it already, Filis! I told you, there’s nothing between us.

GLIKERIA: Good thing, too! He’s a very well-educated lad with a bright future.

FILIS: Let me back off a bit. Gotta make room for the catfight.

FRANTZESKA: Hold on a second, girlie. What’s the problem with him being a well-
educated lad with a bright future?

GLIKERIA: There’s no problem, Frantzeska. And since there’s nothing between you two,
why discuss it further?

FRANTZESKA: All right! There is something between us. You got a problem with that?

GLIKERIA: Who, me? Not at all. He’s the one who’ll have a problem soon. Well, I’m off to
find Elton and Karipidis. I’m on a mission, you see. Bye!

FILIS: Take care, Glikeria.

FRANTZESKA: I’m gonna take it out on you now!

FILIS: No! Don’t, Frantzeska:

FRANTZESKA: Yeah? You wanna know where your order is? It’s...

LEFTERIS: What if he’s dead, Papanidis?

EKTORAS: Does he have a pulse?

LEFTERIS: He does.

EKTORAS: Oh, you’re waiting for an answer. No, he’s not dead.

LEFTERIS: Thank God for that.

THANASIS: Karipidis’ phone is dead as a doornail, though.

LEFTERIS: I’ll sort you out once the representative wakes up. I’ll tell him everything.

THANASIS: Do as you please! I’m sick of listening to you, you damn rat.

LEFTERIS: So I’m a rat? I’ll tell the Brigadier everything!

IRINI: I don’t believe it. So you were telling the truth.

LEFTERIS: The man’s lying there like a dead cockroach. Papanidis, you’re getting half a
century’s worth of penalties.

THANASIS: Where’s the device? We don’t have any time left!

IRINI: From what I can see, I think we’ve got plenty of time.

THANASIS: Do you think so? Yes. When he wakes up, we’ll tell him he fainted. Hopefully
we’ll have the device back by then.

LEFTERIS: Papanidis, forget the half-century. He’s completely gone.

THANASIS: Where are you, Karipidis?

FN: BRIGADIER LEONTIOS: KARAKOSTAS

LEONTIOS: Who’s Karipidis? It’s your brigadier. Where are you?

THANASIS: At the doctor’s office, Brigadier, sir.

LEONTIOS: Has something happened?

THANASIS: No, nothing. I just came to give urine.

LEONTIOS: Why? Are you a urine donor now?

THANASIS: A donor? You’re having a laugh, sir.

LEONTIOS: You’re the one having a laugh! Instead of giving the device back to the
Americans, you’re giving urine!

THANASIS: We’ll give the device back, too. At the moment, we’re still working through
procedural matters. We’re giving him a tour of the camp.

LEONTIOS: What the hell are you giving him a tour for? It’s an army camp, not the
Acropolis Museum!

THANASIS: He asked for it, Brigadier, sir. He’s a very enthusiastic, positive individual. And
very energetic, too!

LEONTIOS: All right. I have to take a picture with him and see to some business
afterwards. I’ll come up there. We’ll talk in person.

THANASIS: The Brigadier’s coming.

LEFTERIS: The Brigadier’s coming? We’re screwed. You, wake up! Varkari, find Karipidis
quickly. Go on!

THANASIS: Tell us, doctor! What have you found?

EKTORAS: I think I gave him more than I should have.

THANASIS: What does that mean? When do you estimate he’ll wake up?

EKTORAS: In a month or so.

LEFTERIS: Pack your bags, we’re going to Somalia.

TASOS: And that’s the story, Elton, old pal. This machine is my last chance to redeem
myself after the review I posted.

ELTON: That’s all very well, but what did the camp ever do to you? Why did you post a
bad review?

TASOS: I was pissed off with everything and I lost it.

ELTON: I get annoyed with Frantzeska sometimes, but I don’t go on Google to post a bad
review! We already get tons of those.

TASOS: I made a mistake, man. I’m trying to fix it. How can we go faster?

ELTON: Buddy, listen to me. Don’t stress. We’ll be there in three and a half hours, and
everything will be as it should be. Come on, let’s rest a bit.

TASOS: Three and a half hours, Elton? I don’t have three and a half hours, man! I don’t
have three and a half hours! If I don’t deliver this machine in time, I’ll be in deep trouble!
Don’t you understand that?

ELTON: All right! So what can you do?

TASOS: If we run, how quickly can we get there?

ELTON: We’ll both die less than a mile down the road!

TASOS: Fine. I don’t have a choice.

ELTON: If you hear anyone coming, give me a shout and I’ll flash them my thighs.

GLIKERIA: What do you think? Doesn’t he look livelier this way?

LEFTERIS: He started off looking like Sir Geoffrey Douglas. Now he’s a dead ringer for
Tzibitziris.

GLIKERIA: I don’t get it.

LEFTERIS: It’s from an old show, Greece’s Children. You’re too young to remember it.

GLIKERIA: You’re too kind.

THANASIS: I can’t believe this. Do you really think the Brigadier is so stupid he won’t
realise we’re staging a remake of Weekend at Bernie’s?

GLIKERIA: Why do you say that? He looks fully awake with the sunglasses on.

LEFTERIS: Chrispa’s right.

GLIKERIA: Glikeria.

LEFTERIS: Glikeria. He looks awake and two or three years younger.

GLIKERIA: Thank you.

THANASIS: Excuse me, am I the only one who can see this just doesn’t work? It’s 2020!
You can’t fool people with idiotic tricks like this!

LEFTERIS: And yet, certain tricks remain timeless. They always work. Just look at him.
(THODORIS: collapses) Bloody yokel!

GLIKERIA: What are we going to do now? What if we hide him?

THANASIS: Hide him? Then who’s the Brigadier going to have his photo taken with? Me?
He’ll scour the entire camp to find him!

LEFTERIS: We need to think of something. I want to hear the cogs turning in your heads!

GLIKERIA: What if we got someone else to pretend to be the representative?

LEFTERIS: Fiendishly clever! Skordas, what do you think of that idea?

THANASIS: It’s another unfathomably moronic plan, but it’s better than the sunglasses.
Who can we use? It must be someone the Brigadier doesn’t know.

GLIKERIA: Let’s use Elton!

LEFTERIS: Even the snails know Elton. Besides, he’s missing.

THANASIS: Yes, but who’s unknown to the Brigadier and has some acting talent?

LEFTERIS: Brilliant.

FILIS: Acting? Me? Of course! When I still went to Arkoudies’ 1st High School, I was in a
cracking school play. “EuroBasket 1987: The Beginning of a Country’s Rise to Glory”. I
played Panagiotis Fasoulas. Why are you laughing, Glikeria? You want me to do the job or
not?

FRANTZESKA: What job?

FILIS: Shut up for a sec. I’m discussing the contract. How much money am I getting after
taxes and where will I be credited? Oh, so I won’t get money or credit. All right, that’s not a
deal-breaker. I’ll do it for the art, like all actors do. Bye. I’m off.
FRANTZESKA: Don’t you dare leave without giving me details!

FILIS: For the time being, I can’t tell you anything.

FRANTZESKA: Don’t get caught up in some scam.

FILIS: Who, me? Are you nuts?

FRANTZESKA: Completely. Just stay out of trouble.

FILIS: This is a sensitive issue, so I’ll say only this. If I get into trouble, it’ll only affect me.
I’ve got you covered.

FRANTZESKA: Why didn’t you say so? Kisses.

FILIS: Kisses.

VANGELIS: How you doing, love?

FRANTZESKA: Looks like I’m the one in trouble. What are you doing here, you little shit?

VANGELIS: I brought you some underwear for ironing.

FRANTZESKA: Why don’t you get your mum to iron them?

VANGELIS: I’m a grown man now. I don’t need her.

FRANTZESKA: If you say so, Vangelis. I won’t ruin your fantasy.

VANGELIS: I don’t need her at all. All I need now is a woman who knows how to show me
a good time. And one who can iron my underwear every so often.

FRANTZESKA: I’m not into that. I’m a feminist.

VANGELIS: Now I want you even more.

FRANTZESKA: What do I need to do to turn you off, boy?

VANGELIS: Be mine!

FRANTZESKA: I’m asking how to turn you off, not me. Pay attention when I’m talking,
Vangelis.

VANGELIS: Why don’t you want me, Frantzeska?

FRANTZESKA: I don’t sleep with soldiers. It’s not personal. It’s a matter of principle. Do
these need to be washed, too?

VANGELIS: Oh, so you don’t sleep with soldiers, huh? What’s this, then?
FRANTZESKA: I’m supposed to iron that, too. But I do it in a more economical way,
without an ironing board.

VANGELIS: You’re lying! There’s no way a soldier dropped off his hat for you to iron. The
older it looks, the better! Tell me who it belongs to!

FRANTZESKA: Don’t you raise your voice at me. I’ll shove you in the washing machine
and put you on quick wash!

FN ON HAT: KARIPIDIS

SOTIRIS: Mate, I had the representative spitting fire. He went nuts. I told him he’s bad at
his job. I told him he’s inadequate and unconvincing. That’s how I delayed him. I worked
my ass off for them and what do I get?

SOLDIER: What do you get?

SOTIRIS: I’m on gate duty today. And I’ve got to cook! You see? God, I can’t wait to be
discharged.

MARINOS: Scram, pal. We’ve got work to do.

SOTIRIS: Antypas, take over for a bit. I’ve gotta nip back to the kitchen and set the veal to
boil.

MARINOS: I’d love to, mate, but first keep a lookout in case Margaronis shows up. The
veal can wait. I’m going to see my girl.

SOTIRIS: Your what?

MARINOS: Keep a lookout, I said! We’ll talk later. Hello, Rapunzel of the caravan.

NATALIA: Hello, conceited squaddie.

MARINOS: I like how we’ve already got nicknames for each other. Shall I continue my
poem from where I left off?

NATALIA: Every time you recite a stanza from that poem, thousands of poets all over the
world die a needless death.

MARINOS: What’s wrong, Natalia? Why are you so listless?

NATALIA: Besides the fact that my son isn’t talking to me, I’m the prisoner of a merciless
villain who is keeping me locked in my tower. Thankfully, my tower has running water and
a toilet.

MARINOS: Is that the problem? Your humble knight will liberate you from your shackles.
Have you seen the wicked ogre with the moustache anywhere?

NATALIA: Are you calling my son a wicked ogre?

MARINOS: Enough talk! Step aside.

NATALIA: I am aside.

MARINOS: Prepare to taste love and freedom.

NATALIA: What a man! You rocked my world.

IRINI: Can you sit still, please? I’m getting nauseous watching you pace.

ALEXANDROS MEGAS: I can sit still, Irini. Can you sit on a… Well, pick a place to sit!
Where do you want to sit? Where?

IRINI: Right. Brilliant.

ALEXANDROS: And when I’m talking about places to sit, I mean boyfriends!

IRINI: I realised that.

ALEXANDROS: That was a play on words. Did you get it?

IRINI: I did. Well done.

ALEXANDROS: And you played with my feelings. So? Are you going to decide?

IRINI: Alexandros, I’ve got work to do, so I’m going to say this for one last time without
wordplay, and most importantly, without playing with your feelings.

ALEXANDROS: To hell with it! Tell me. I can take it.

IRINI: I went through a phase recently. I wanted to leave. And the reason I wanted to leave
was because I couldn’t stand being pressured by two people anymore.

ALEXANDROS: I pressure you? Take that back, right now!

IRINI: In the middle of all that, when I was in a very odd place, I kissed Karipidis.

ALEXANDROS: (growls)

IRINI: Can you please accept that it happened and that it’s over? Can we go on with our
lives now?

ALEXANDROS: What about the photo Filis sent me?

IRINI: All right, tell me. When you saw me next to him, bending over the device, what did
you think?

ALEXANDROS: (growls)

IRINI: Something like that. I see. All right. Can I go and do my job now? Nothing’s going
on.
LEFTERIS: Varkari, have you still not gone to find Karipidis?

ALEXANDROS: May I go with her, sir?

LEFTERIS: All right but make it quick. No more chit-chatting.

IRINI: What happened with the Brigadier?

LEFTERIS: He’s in good hands.

LEONTIOS: Kapsali, where’s the representative?

VANESA: He’s not here, either. Where could that restless creature have gone? Shall we
check the barracks, too?

LEONTIOS: Now hold on. You’ve dragged me all over the camp. You even took me to the
food storage room!

VANESA: Dalekas likes us to call it “the pantry”.

LEONTIOS: I don’t care what the hell you call it. Where is this man? I just want to have a
picture taken and leave!

VANESA: I don’t know. He wanted to see all the facilities.

LEONTIOS: I don’t care. Find out. Where the hell has he gone? Call someone and ask
where this American delegate is. What are you looking for?

VANESA: My phone.

LEONTIOS: Oh my God!

FILIS: You’re piling the makeup on pretty thick there, Glikeria. My mug’s starting to itch.

GLIKERIA: It’s to make you look more American, Filis.

FILIS: Didn’t you tell me he’s from Larisa?

THANASIS: Yes, Filis, but the Brigadier doesn’t know that. He’s expecting an American!
Let’s not disappoint him. He’ll start asking questions. Let’s show him what he expects to
see. Then he’ll leave. Come on, Pandis. Please, sort him out.

FILIS: Hold on! What’s he gonna do to me?

GLIKERIA: He’s going to help you practice talking like an American.

TRYFON PANDIS: They brought me in to help you with the American accent challenge.
You probably know me, but the name’s Tryfon Pandis, bro.
FILIS: What do I need this pansy for? I’ll be fine on my own.

TRYFON: Oh, is that how it’s gonna be? Shoot, let us hear you.

FILIS: (in broken English) Hi, girls. I like village Arkoudies. I’m Filis. I own restaurant. Do
you want to make sweet love?

THANASIS: Jesus Christ. And we’re trying to pass him off as American?

LEFTERIS: We’re in deep trouble. Get out, Pandis. You too.

GLIKERIA: My name’s Glikeria.

LEFTERIS: Glikeria. The Brigadier’s on his way. Kapsali can’t delay him any longer.

FILIS: Don’t stress me out, guys. I have to warm up my voice. (vocalising) How do I
sound?

LEFTERIS: Shut up, you tit. You’re fine. You, get out!

TRYGON: Good luck, John-boy. But this is cringe as hell.

FILIS: Same to you, you prick! Get outta here!

THANASIS: Come on, Filis. It’s just one photo. You can do it!

LEONTIOS: My friend, Mr Representative! I’m so delighted to meet you. How was your
trip? I’m the Brigadier Leontios Karakostas.

FILIS: Karakostas!

LEFTERIS: Karakostas.

FILIS: Karakostas.

VANGELIS: If you wanna know, Karipidis is involved with Goulas’ daughter.

FRANTZESKA: What are you telling me for? I know that. I don’t care what the guy does.

VANGELIS: He’s also a complete prick, in my opinion.

FRANTZESKA: So veto him if your sister decides to marry him.

VANGELIS: I don’t care about what the sister I don’t have does. I only care about you.
Come to Athens with me when I get discharged! Let’s forget about everyone else.

FRANTZESKA: What am I supposed to do with you in Athens?

VANGELIS: You’ll work in my garage.

FRANTZESKA: Answering phones and printing receipts?

VANGELIS: No, just answering phones. I don’t give receipts. You might have to change
the odd gasket, but only once a month.

FRANTZESKA: You silver-tongued scamp, you!

VANGELIS: You’ll live like a queen. And you won’t have any problems with your mother-in-
law. You’ve got a wonderful relationship with my mum.

FRANTZESKA: I see you’ve thought of everything!

VANGELIS: Even our first kiss.

FRANTZESKA: What did you do? What did you just do?

VANGELIS: I kissed you. Why, is that so bad?

FRANTZESKA: Who said you could kiss me? Shame on you! I can’t wait for your mum to
leave with the caravan. Let’s see how tough you are when you’re left on your own!

VANGELIS: My mum’s leaving? Is she really going away just because I told her to?

FRANTZESKA: She’s not leaving because of you. Your father is taking the caravan.

VANGELIS: My father?

FRANTZESKA: What’s wrong, big man? Did you get a shock?

VANGELIS: No, I didn’t get anything! Are my underwear ready?

FRANTZESKA: Here you go. Free of charge. And don’t be so upset. You can survive
without your mother. This is yours, too.

VANGELIS: What is this?

TASOS: Jesus Christ! Are we gonna die here, in the middle of the road?

ELTON: I think I see a mirage. Like a vision. A freezer full of ice-cream and two hot babes
saying “Let’s go to the Mona Lisa for a coffee”.

TASOS: How many thousands of miles have we walked?

ELTON: We’ve walked less than a mile.

TASOS: That’s it, mate. There’s no hope of salvation. Let’s at least sit for a bit and rest.

ELTON: Whoa! The vision’s coming back. I see something approaching.

TASOS: Is it the hot babes again?

ELTON: No. It’s a buggy!

TASOS: A buggy? That’s a military jeep, man!

ELTON: Karipidis, we’re saved! It’s the Nazis!

ALEXANDROS: What’s up, girls? You out sunbathing? The cavalry’s here to save you.

ELTON: May God watch over you! May he add days to my life and years to yours, my lad!

TASOS: No way am I asking him for help! Elton, we will continue on foot. Let’s go!

ELTON: Wait, Karipidis! The cavalry is here to save us!

TASOS: Fuck the cavalry! I’d rather have my spleen torn out!

ALEXANDROS: Cut the macho talk, kiddo. I didn’t want to rescue you, either. I’m just
obeying orders.

ELTON: He’s just obeying orders. Let’s climb into the jeep and relax a bit.

ALEXANDROS: You’re the only one who can fix this piece of crap. Do it for your unit. You’ll
be hailed as a hero. Some bloody hero!

TASOS: Oh, I’ll be a hero, all right. And I’ll fix the machine. And I’ll walk to the camp on
foot!

ELTON: What are those noises?

ALEXANDROS: Vultures and other carrion birds from Ladia National Park. Two of them
can devour a cow in ten minutes flat.

ELTON: They’ll eat you in one bite!

LEFTERIS: Ah, our representative is back.

FILIS: Hello. Excellent WC.

LEONTIOS: Lads, why does he run to take a leak every time I ask him something?

FILIS: Well, you see, I’ve got kidney problems. I took steroids to get taller when I was a kid
and now I’m paying a hefty price.

THANASIS: Lovely.

LEONTIOS: How did you learn to speak Greek so well?

FILIS: I’m Greek-American. Yes! My father had a business in Astoria.

LEONTIOS: A Greek tavern, I assume.

FILIS: No, no, no, no. It was a Thai restaurant.

LEFTERIS: We’re doomed.

FILIS: He wanted to go against convention.

LEONTIOS: I’m glad to meet a compatriot, but I was hoping for a chance to see how good
my English is. I’ve got a Lower proficiency diploma. May I speak to you in English?

FILIS: What can I say? Whatever suits you.

THANASIS: Why don’t we just take a picture and let the man rest? He’s had a long
journey.

LEONTIOS: No, no, no! I want to have a conversation in English. Please, I insist!

FILIS: If you insist, speak το me.

LEONTIOS: What seems to be the situation with the American fleet’s withdrawal out of the
Mediterranean?

FILIS: I need to go to the bathroom again. My kidneys are killing me today.

LEFTERIS: Go! Take as long as you like.

LEONTIOS: Hold on! This man hasn’t answered any of my questions. Every time I ask him
something, he runs off to the bathroom!

THANASIS: Why do you say that, sir? He just told you all about his father’s business in
Astoria. Let’s be fair.

LEFTERIS: Let’s be fair.

LEONTIOS: Yes, but I asked him about that in Greek. Does my English make his bladder
fill up?

FILIS: OK, OK! No problem, no problem. Tell me and I’ll answer you.

LEONTIOS: What seems to be the situation with the American fleet’s withdrawal out of the
Mediterranean?

FILIS: The Mediterranean! The Mediterranean diet is the best. Eat Greek meat and stay fit!

LEFTERIS: I feel like I’m in the American Consulate.

THANASIS: It’s like the White House here.

LEONTIOS: Where are you from, sir? If you don’t answer immediately, I’ll order an
investigation forthwith. Where are you from?

FILIS: Arkoudies, born and bred.

LEONTIOS: Who is this impostor? Where’s the American! Speak! What have you done
this time? Tell me, before I lose it! Answer me! Where’s the real American?

EKTORAS: Glikeria, why are you rubbing him?

GLIKERIA: To wake him up.

EKTORAS: What is he, a magic lamp?

GLIKERIA: Have you got a better idea? Or do you only have expertise in putting people in
comas?

LEFTERIS: Sir, we’re telling you that…

LEONTIOS: My God! Is that the representative?

GLIKERIA: That’s him. But don’t worry, Brigadier, sir. It’s just a minor case of sunstroke.

LEONTIOS: And you went to the trouble of finding a replacement because he got
sunstroke? And you chose that hick, of all people?

THANASIS: Don’t worry, sir. This fellow’s a hick, too.

LEONTIOS: Soldier, Glikeria, I want you both out of here immediately.

EKTORAS: Shouldn’t I stay? I’m a doctor.

LEONTIOS: Out! Doctor, my foot! Now, talk! And for your sake, I hope your explanation
makes sense.

LEFTERIS: Brigadier, I will speak. And I will do so with the bravery and courage that have
always distinguished me. The one who is solely responsible for everything that has
happened… is Skordas. He wrecked the device.

THANASIS: Nice courage, idiot.

LEFTERIS: I’m not paying for your idiocy.

LEONTIOS: You’re both in trouble. I don’t care when the device was broken. Both of you
are to blame! And so... (cackling) What’s next?

THANASIS: Somalia.

LEONTIOS: Somalia and demotion. Do you know what your new ranks will be?

LEFTERIS: Cleaning ladies?

LEONTIOS: Sergeants.

LEFTERIS: Thank God for that.

THODORIS: (indistinct)

THANASIS: He’s waking up.

LEONTIOS: What’s he saying?

THODORIS: (indistinct)

LEONTIOS: What’s this guy taken?

THODORIS: Th’ device. Where’s th’ device?

THANASIS: The device? We’ll bring it to you as soon as you’ve recovered from your
sunstroke.

THODORIS: Grand. Because we need it.

LEFTERIS: It’s on its way, we’re telling you. Since you need it and all.

THODORIS: Nobody can know about th’ oil!

LEONTIOS: The what? You two, talk! What’s he taken? What did you give him?

THANASIS: Excuse me. Am I the only one who heard what he just said about oil?

THODORIS: Our mates, th’ Americans. I’ve gotta bring ‘em th’ anti-drone device, so they
can keep th’ oil reserves they found secret!

LEONTIOS: What’s he saying? What does he mean?

THANASIS: Excuse me, sir. Where were these oil reserves you’re talking about found?

THODORIS: Next to th’ new base. It’s gushin’ outta the well! Put on some music, ye
dunderhead! Ye call this a festival?

MARINOS: Keep at it, Dalekas. We’re almost there.

SOTIRIS: I’m telling you; we’re doing something wrong.

MARINOS: Do what you can, man. This door is my Excalibur. If I can master it, I will win
my true love’s heart.

NATALIA: All the bleach and hair dye fumes have turned your brain into an amusement
park.

MARINOS: Do your best, Dalekas. This time, nothing’s gonna stop me!

SOTIRIS: Dude! Is it just me or is that Margaronis?

MARINOS: Crap! Let’s skedaddle, buddy. Natalia, we’ll talk another time. Sweet kisses.
NATALIA: Stay in touch.

VANGELIS: What’s going on here?

NATALIA: Nothing. The door’s jammed.

VANGELIS: Would you tell me what that bloody letter from the lawyer said?

NATALIA: A letter? From a lawyer? For me? I don’t know anything about that.

VANGELIS: Drop the act, Mum! I know everything. Frantzeska told me.

NATALIA: That idiot.

VANGELIS: Don’t talk like that! She’s the mother of your grandchildren.

NATALIA: All right, then. It’s just as she told you. In a few days, the caravan will belong to
your no-good father. And since the door’s jammed, it looks like he’ll be getting me as a
package deal.

VANGELIS: Let me take a look.

NATALIA: Why are you even trying? You want me gone anyway. But maybe that’s the way
it should be. You’re all grown up now. You don’t need me. When did my life change so
much? I was a woman with a family. Now I’m a lone rider. I go wherever the wind takes me
and only live for the present. How long have I been talking to myself? Ten years, at least.

FILIS: “The plane left Moscow at ten o’clock”.

FRANTZESKA: How did the mission go?

FILIS: The mission went to shit.

FRANTZESKA: Shame. (to GAMER BOY) It’s all your fault, you little turd. (to SOLDIERS)
What happened? You’re back now?

ELTON: We’re back.

ALEXANDROS: This is the only cable I found in the camp.

TASOS: This must be it.

ELTON: Great! Let’s go.

FRANTZESKA: Boys, are you gonna be in and out of here all day?

ELTON: Frantzeska. get a coffee for me and a fruit juice for the kid. And write down my
overtime.

FRANTZESKA: At once, your lordship.

TASOS: Let’s see, now.

ALEXANDROS: Let’s see how good you are.

TASOS: Can you move aside? It’s starting to crack under your glare.

ALEXANDROS: Cut the crap and get it done. You’re dawdling! Why are you dawdling?
Why?

FILIS: Now hold on, pal! (in terrible English) Do you trying to kill us?

ALEXANDROS: (growling)

FILIS: Buzz off!

LEONTIOS: I see. Yes, Minister. I understand completely. Goodbye.

THANASIS: What did he say? Does he know anything?

LEONTIOS: From the very beginning, there were suspicions as to why the Americans
chose that particular spot to establish a base. Now those suspicions have been confirmed.

LEFTERIS: Tell me what our battle plan is, and I shall execute it!

LEONTIOS: The Minister told me to tamper with the device before we hand it over, so that
it’s unable to detect Greek drones.

THANASIS: Let me see you execute that plan.

LEONTIOS: I can’t believe that your idiocy landed us a win like this. All that’s left to do now
is...

LEFTERIS: Find a woman?

LEONTIOS: No! We just need to adjust the device. This could even lead to a medal.

LEFTERIS: A medal? For us?

LEONTIOS: For me! You still need to find out who posted this damn review on the app.
General Staff are on my ass about it. Find him! Find him, I said!

THANASIS: “The camp is a nightmare”.

LEFTERIS/THANASIS: Who wrote this?

LEFTERIS: “The commanding officers get drunk and snitch on the soldiers”.

LEFTERIS/THANASIS: Who’s he talking about?

LEFTERIS: “The place is littered with broken American equipment”. Well, that’s fair. “The
officers are dating each other and fighting in the camp”.
LEFTERIS/THANASIS: That can’t be right!

LEFTERIS: “It’s a mess!” Who’s the bastard who ratted us out?

THANASIS: I can’t think of anyone.

LEFTERIS: You can’t think, in general.

THANASIS: What did you say?

LEFTERIS: He can’t know we’re onto him, I said.

VANGELIS: Hi, Dad. How are things with you? Good, good. When were you gonna tell me
about the divorce? Oh, you were expecting Mum to handle that, too? Right, right, right.
And why do you wanna take the caravan from her? Leave her alone, or I’m gonna come
down to the garage the moment I get discharged and wreck the place! No, I’m not doing
this so I can have good food, a decent place to shit and clean clothes to wear! All right, I’m
not doing it only for those things. I’m doing it for my mum. So tread lightly! Put this on my
tab.

SOTIRIS: Man, Margaronis, I used to think you were a major league asshole.

VANGELIS: I am a major league asshole!

TASOS: Can you wait a moment while I turn it on so we can see if it works?

ALEXANDROS: Come on, let’s go! Work, you piece of junk!

TASOS: Nothing!

FRANTZESKA: Dammit!

ELTON: It’s like the shitty machine doesn’t want to work.

FILIS: Maybe there’s no bringing it back, fellas. It’s in bad shape. The guy who wrecked it
knew what he was doing.

TASOS: Yeah, right! He was just some idiot who pulled out whatever he could grab. You
can tell.

FILIS: How can you tell?

ALEXANDROS: Why don’t you switch these two cables? They’re not the same colour.

TASOS: Nah, that’s...

ALEXANDROS: Look at them!

TASOS: Maybe you’re not wrong.

ELTON: Nice one, big guy! You’re pretty damn handy!

TASOS: Right! All that’s left is to plug in this chip and we’re home free.

ALEXANDROS: Hello? Yes, sir. I await your orders. Yes, one moment. Colonel Skordas is
asking for you.

TASOS: Yes, sir?

THANASIS: How’s it going, Karipidis?

TASOS: All good. We’re almost done.

THANASIS: Excellent. We need something else from you now. It’s a ministerial order.

TASOS: What? OK. Yes. Yes, I think I can manage that. Only Greek drones. Yes, sir.

THANASIS: And next time you feel fed up, please don’t feel the need to share it with the
entire world. All right?

TASOS: Yes, sir.

ALEXANDROS: What happened?

TASOS: Nothing. Let’s go! I’m plugging in the chip and making a small adjustment. What
does it say, Filis?

FILIS: Here, take it.

FRANTZESKA: Here you go.

FN: URGENT NOTIFICATION: THE ROOKIELAND APP HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN BY
THE HELLENIC ARMED FORCES DUE TO SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

TASOS: No. No! It’s all gone. I’ll lose my dividends. I’m ruined!

FRANTZESKA: Are you OK?

TASOS: The army shut down my app. I may have sold it, but I was still getting dividends.
And it was the only thing I’ve made that was on the market.

FILIS: Shame, man. How come? Damn, I got chills.

ALEXANDROS: Forget your app. We’ve got other work to do.

TASOS: Do we, though?

LEFTERIS: And here is the famous device.

THANASIS: It’s ready for our friends and allies to collect.

THODORIS: Grand. Ye don’t mind if I take a swatch at it, do ye?

LEFTERIS: I hope that bottom-feeder of yours has done a good job.

THANASIS: He’s fixed it. Shut up!

THODORIS: Why isn’t it working?

LEFTERIS: Maybe it just needs a good thump.

THODORIS: I don’t understand. What’s happened to th’ device? Why ain’t it respondin’?
What’s goin’ on here, fellas?

THANASIS: Karipidis?

THODORIS: Can someone explain to me?

THANASIS: Mr Representative.

THODORIS: Mr Skordas.

THANASIS: I am at fault for the device’s condition. Even though I was responsible for it, I
did not fulfil my duty as Colonel to protect it.

THODORIS: I see. Mr Skordas, Mr Goulas, do ye understand what kind of trouble ye’re in?

TASOS: Excuse me. Could I take a look at it?

THODORIS: Let’s see what ye can do.

TASOS: When these devices are disused, they can sometimes crash.

LEFTERIS: Yes, they can malfunction. I had one as a kid and I used to play with it. They
crash very easily. Their insides are a tangle. It’ll work now.

THODORIS: Well done, lad! Well done.

LEFTERIS: Three years’ honorary pension. It’s working, leave it.

VANGELIS: Mum. Mum! Are you refusing to talk to me? Well, anyway. I called Dad and
cussed him out. I’ve never spoken to him like that before. The caravan’s yours. I sorted it
out. That’s all. We can talk again whenever you want.

NATALIA: Oh, my boy!

VANGELIS: How did you get the door open?

NATALIA: I’d already fixed it earlier, but I didn’t want to let Antypas in.

VANGELIS: Mum, you’ve made me so happy!

NATALIA: You can’t imagine how happy you’ve made me? What do you want? Ask me for
anything. What do you want?

VANGELIS: Move aside. I need to take a shit.

FN: SERGEANT MAJOR KYRIAKOS HANIS ARMY CAMP

MARINOS: You’re that sure you’re gonna get court-martialled?

TASOS: Completely sure.

TRYFON: Bro, this thing’s got major A Few Good Men vibes. Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson.
“I want the truth!” “You can’t handle the truth!”

SOTIRIS: You’ll be tortured and beaten-up day and night.

MARINOS: And the Geneva Convention doesn’t apply to you.

SOTIRIS: You poor boy.

TASOS: Jeez, guys. I don’t think it’ll be that bad.

THANASIS: Hey, Three Caballeros! Step outside for a minute.

TASOS: I’m listening, sir.

THANASIS: How are you?

TASOS: I’m alright. How are you?

THANASIS: We all owe you thanks.

TASOS: Is that all you owe me? What about the review?

THANASIS: We also owe you a penalty, but I’ll make an exception this time. Firstly,
because the device worked in the end. And secondly, because what you wrote wasn’t
entirely wrong. I ratted you out at my party, so we’re even. As for the information leak, we’ll
think of something.

TASOS: So I’m not gonna be court-martialled?

THANASIS:
That’s right. Unless you want to be.

TASOS: Don’t worry, he hasn’t heard a thing. He’s zonked out on pills.

THANASIS: I see. At least the drugs work. Watch yourself.

TASOS: Where’s my hat?

FILIS: Man! I got dressed to the nines and went to all that trouble for nothing. Hey, what’s
this? Didn’t your boyfriend drop by to collect it?

FRANTZESKA: He’s not my boyfriend.

FILIS: Your boy toy? Your fling? Your squeeze?

FRANTZESKA: He’s none of those things. Now go home so I can tidy up, you useless
lump.

FRANTZESKA: Chill out, I’m going.

END CREDITS RECAP

THANASIS: Is he definitely unconscious?

LEFTERIS: No, he’s just in a huff.

TASOS: If we run, how quickly can we get there?

ELTON: We’ll both die less than a mile down the road!

GLIKERIA: What if we got someone else to pretend to be the representative?

THANASIS: Yes, but who’s unknown to the Brigadier and has some acting talent?

FILIS: Acting? Me? Of course!

LEONTIOS: Who is this impostor? Where’s the American!

THODORIS: Th’ oil reserves they found have to remain secret!

THANASIS: Excuse me, sir. Where were these oil reserves you’re talking about found?

THODORIS: Next to th’ new base. It’s gushin’ outta the well!

NATALIA: In a few days, the caravan will belong to your no-good father. And since the
door’s jammed, it looks like he’ll be getting me as a package deal.

VANGELIS: Leave her alone, or I’m gonna come down to the garage the moment I get
discharged and wreck the place!
TASOS: The army shut down my app.

ALEXANDROS: Forget your app. We’ve got other work to do.

TASOS: These devices can sometimes crash.

LEFTERIS: Yes, they can malfunction. I had one as a kid and I used to play with it. It’ll
work now.

THODORIS: Well done, lad! Well done.

LEFTERIS: Three years’ honorary pension.

NATALIA: Oh, my boy!

VANGELIS: How did you get the door open?

NATALIA: I’d already fixed it earlier, but I didn’t want to let Antypas in.

VANGELIS: Mum, you’ve made me so happy!

TASOS: Where's my hat?