PRESENT ARMS EPISODE 11

PREVIOUS EPISODE RECAP

COLONEL THANASIS SKORDAS: If we held an election tomorrow and all the personnel
and staff voted, you wouldn’t get a single vote. Just like there wasn’t a single person at
your party!

COLONEL LEFTERIS GOULAS: Vote for Goulas! Vote for Goulas for a decent internet
connection in the camp!

IRIN BOTONI: We’re going to have a proper election! Do you hear me? I’ve arranged
everything!

NATALIA MARGARONI: “Dear Thanasis, I would love to see you, without any obligation
on your part”.

FILIS: Send it, Natalia. I know what I’m talking about.

NATALIA: I sent it. To the wrong person!

VANGELIS MARGARONIS: Enough of this. You have to make a move.

MARINOS ANTYPAS: In which direction?

VANGELIS: In my mum’s direction, dude.

THANASIS: Just because she’s seeing one of my soldiers...

LEFTERIS: Excuse me?

THANASIS: Nothing, I just said something stupid at the party.

LEFTERIS: What?

IRINI VARKARI: I’ll do whatever I want.

LEFTERIS: You’ll stay here, with me.

IRINI: You’re certifiable. You’re worse than whoever snitched on me! It was Megas, wasn’t
it?

LEFTERIS: It was Skordas.

IRINI: The winner of the commanding officer election is... no-one. We have a split vote.

SKORDAS: I’m not at all convinced that we have an even number of soldiers.

LEFTERIS: Look at this voting ballot. This is your handwriting. You left out the accent.
Now look at this one.

IRINI: What did you do, go through all the ballots?

LEFTERIS: Here are your transfer papers. This is my thanks to you.

VANGELIS: Please stop talking to me about my mum.

MARINOS: I’ll teach her what ultimate pleasure is like. You’ll be able to see it on her face.

ALEXANDROS MEGAS: What are you thanking me for?

IRINI: For not selling me out.

ALEXANDROS: I would never harm you, no matter what you do to me.

IRINI: Hey, have you ever been to Prespes?

VANGELIS: Halt! Where are you going, man?

TASOS KARIPIDIS: Get off my case!

FILIS: Watch yourself, FRANTZESKA: It’s easy to get a bad reputation and hard as hell to
get rid of it.

FRANTZESKA: Then I’ll do something with the first man over 18 who walks in here.

TASOS: Can I have a glass of tsipouro?

OPENING CREDITS

LEFTERIS: I haven’t even had coffee. I don’t have the energy for an argument.

THANASIS: Me neither. What’s with the suitcase? What hobby is he on this time, d’ you
think?

LEFTERIS: Maybe it’s a clarinet and he’s learning to play.

THANASIS: Hey, there’s a sword in here!

LEFTERIS: He’ll be the first ninja brigadier.

LEFTERIS: /THANASIS: Good morning, Brigadier, sir.

BRIGADIER LEONTIOS KARAKOSTAS: Shut up! Don’t make a sound.

LEFTERIS: He’s gonna train us to be ninjas, too.

LEONTIOS: All right. I’ve searched every corner. There’s nothing.

THANASIS: What are you looking for, sir?

LEONTIOS: Bugs!

THANASIS: Oh, you probably caught them from us. Do you remember? We had a small
problem with them at the 12th.

LEFTERIS: Small, my foot! Your soldiers needed blood transfusions every morning.

LEONTIOS: Would you both stop for a moment? This is very serious! I’m not looking for
that sort of bug. I’m looking for the other kind.

THANASIS: You mean wiretaps? What’s happened?

LEONTIOS: I just heard the news. The Americans are sending a representative today.

LEFTERIS: What for?

LEONTIOS: To retrieve the machine.

LEFTERIS /THANASIS: What machine?

LEONTIOS: The burger machine. Be serious, will you? Have you already forgotten the
mess you made because of that thing? Do you still not understand what I’m telling you?

LEFTERIS: I haven’t had coffee yet. That’s why I’m like this.

LEONTIOS: I’m talking about the drone machine. The device that controls them in the air.
The Americans’ device. The one you were fighting over!

LEFTERIS: /THANASIS: Ah...

LEONTIOS: Don’t “Ah” me! On to topic number two. The Army IT Support Centre has
detected an information leak from within the brigade. A suspicious review of your camp
was uploaded to an app. Find a solution!

LEFTERIS /THANASIS: Yes, sir.

LEONTIOS: Silence! I have to go now. I’m in a hurry. I’ve started taking medieval
swordsmanship classes.
THANASIS: Why? Are the Crusades starting back up again?

LEFTERIS: Will you give us a sword each? We could be the Three Samurai.

LEONTIOS: Hilarious. Have you run out of quips, or will there be any more?

LEFTERIS: Can I also tell you a Chuck Norris joke?

LEONTIOS: Beat it! Out of my sight, both of you! Toerags!

FILIS: Come on, baby. Wake me up. (to TASOS) You! What are you doing here?

TASOS: I dunno. What time is it?

FILIS: What’s going on here? Why did this soldier sleep here? More importantly,
Frantzeska , why did you sleep here?

TASOS: Dude, my head is killing me. What happened last night?

FRANTZESKA: Hold on a sec. I need a drink to wake me up. Then I might remember.
(drinks) OK, I remember now.

FRANTZESKA: What have you been writing this whole time?

TASOS: Pour me two more shots.

FRANTZESKA: All right, buddy, but they’re the last ones. We’re closing.

TASOS: What are you talking about? You’re not closing before I get wasted and forget
everything! I’m not some yokel shepherd! I’ve got three degrees.

FRANTZESKA: Good for you! Get going before I call my brother. He’s a big guy. He’ll see
to you.

TASOS: That guy with the beard who left earlier is your brother?

FRANTZESKA: Of course not. As if that Gollum-looking freak would be my brother.

TASOS: Then why did he say “Frantzeska, watch our father’s shop” before he left?

FRANTZESKA: I’m gonna go pour the shots.

FRANTZESKA: So, what’s it gonna be? Are you done? Can we all go home?

TASOS: Pour two more. And pour one for yourself.

FRANTZESKA: No way. I don’t drink with soldiers. I’ve been deeply hurt.
TASOS: Whoa! Why, what happened?

FRANTZESKA: I can’t tell you. I don’t know you.

FRANTZESKA: And when he got transferred, he didn’t even come to say goodbye. You
know why? Because I was his backup, he said. Me! His backup!

TASOS: The dude’s a bastard!

FRANTZESKA: Me! His backup!

TASOS: Forget him, girl! Forget him. One more for the road?

FRANTZESKA: It’s the last one, OK?

TASOS: Cheers.

FRANTZESKA: Cheers.

TASOS: Maybe the problem is that I never knew my father. He left when I was very young.
He left me. How does someone just abandon a little kid? How?

FRANTZESKA: I wouldn’t have left you, even after you’d grown up.

TASOS: And I wouldn’t have treated you like a backup. Never. Honestly.

FILIS: I gotta install cameras in here.

FRANTZESKA: No need. We’ve got a live camera right there.

GLIKERIA: You’re bloody tragic, Eintracht. I’m never touching you again with a ten-foot
pole.

NATALIA: Help!

GLIKERIA: What’s wrong?

NATALIA: The door’s jammed again.

GLIKERIA: Step back, Natalia! I might need to break it.

NATALIA: No! Just pull on it and it’ll open.

GLIKERIA: Fine.

NATALIA: This darn door! It keeps getting jammed.

GLIKERIA: Why don’t you fix it?

NATALIA: Good question. My ex-husband said he was going to fix it. I won’t tell you what
he did instead.

GLIKERIA: All right, don’t worry. You’ll find someone else to sort you out.

NATALIA: Find another man to fix my door? I’ll just hire a handyman.

GLIKERIA: I’m not talking about doors anymore, Natalia. Are you doing anything about
your love life? Or have you just been wiping Vangelis ’ ass?

NATALIA: I tried to send Thanasis a romantic text and accidentally sent it to my boy. My
poor boy!

GLIKERIA: You sent him a naughty picture?

NATALIA: Is that what you think a romantic text is?

ELTON BEJAS: Good morning, lovely ladies! Beauties of the camp!

NATALIA: Hello, Elton!

ELTON: Hello, Mrs Natalia. What are you chatting about here?

GLIKERIA: We’re not giving you a report. Damn, the report! I gotta run.

ELTON: Mrs Natalia, I’ve got an envelope for you.

NATALIA: An envelope for me, here? How is that possible?

ELTON: It says: “12th Support Battalion, for the attention of Mrs Natalia Margaroni”.

NATALIA: Let me see. Elton, you’re good with your hands. Could you come and have a
look at this blasted door some day? It keeps getting jammed.

ELTON: I can fix it right now. I don’t need tools. I can repair it like MacGyver.

NATALIA: I don’t believe it! It’s from my ex-husband. He wants to take the caravan!

ELTON: So should I fix the door or wreck the whole thing before he gets it?

LEFTERIS: If you’re wondering why there are so few of you, know that all your fellow
soldiers except for the quack doctor have been assigned chores. We’re waiting for an
American and everything needs to be in perfect order. Perfect order!

THANASIS: All right, there’s no need to bend over backwards for the Americans. The
entire camp stinks of bleach.

LEFTERIS: Why do these two look like a puma’s chewed on them?

THANASIS: You all look dreadful. What happened to you?

VANESA KAPSALI: They were brawling all night while on watch, sir. They were so
exhausted they fell asleep on top of each other. That’s how we found them.

GLIKERIA: And why exactly were you brawling?

MARINOS: Tell the truth, jackass, if you’ve got any guts.

VANGELIS: We were arguing over sports, sir.

MARINOS: Yeah. Margaronis is an AEK fan. I support Panathinaikos.

GLIKERIA: Do those teams still exist?

LEFTERIS: Four days’ extended service apiece. With no possibility of retraction, Kapsali.

VANESA: What if the Archimandrite requests it?

LEFTERIS: Let him! They’re not dodging this unless Patriarch Bartholomew or the Pope
phone in!

VANESA: Yes, sir. Do you want to see the list of chores and assign them somewhere?

GLIKERIA: Keep them apart, or they’ll start beating each other with mops!

THANASIS: Give me the list. Varkari, watch them. Make sure they don’t start brawling
again.

IRINI: Yes, sir.

MARINOS: Where were you, man? You look like shit.

TASOS: You’re one to talk. Do you know what the pair of you look like?

VANGELIS: It’s a shame, Karipidis. If you’d just kept your mouth shut, you’d have gotten
the girl.

TASOS: Get off my ass, Margaronis, or I’ll…

GLIKERIA: Enough! You’re supposed to be reporting!

MARINOS: Are you talking to us?

IRINI: No, to the guys next to you.

LEFTERIS: And another thing. The Army IT Support Centre have informed us about an
online data breach concerning our camp. In addition to the leaked information, vulgar
descriptions have been uploaded to an app.
TASOS: (voice over) The camp is a nightmare. The commanding officers get drunk and
snitch on the soldiers. The place is littered with broken American equipment. The officers
are dating each other and fighting in the camp. It’s a mess!

FRANTZESKA: What have you been writing this whole time?

TASOS: Pour me two more shots.

FRANTZESKA: All right, buddy, but they’re the last ones. We’re closing.

TASOS: Uh-oh.

LEFTERIS: If any of you know something about the leak, take a step forward.

THANASIS: A step forward? There are only three of them.

LEFTERIS: The rat only has three hours to live. Just you wait until I catch him. Just you
wait.

EKTORAS PAPANIDIS: Jeez. Scientifically speaking, it must have been a hell of a kick.

MARINOS: You should see the other guy.

EKTORAS: Who’s the other guy?

VANGELIS: Hello.

EKTORAS: Of course. Margaronis. You’ve really scratched him up. How come, guys?

VANGELIS: All is fair in love and war.

EKTORAS: Sure, but with this many scratches, I can’t tell if it was a case of love or war.

MARINOS: Aren’t you gonna ask us why we were fighting?

VANGELIS: Would you shut up already, you moron?

MARINOS: I’ll do whatever I want! You wanna continue the fight in here, huh? You wanna
renovate the clinic?

EKTORAS: Hey! I’ve just had it renovated.

MARINOS: Good for you!

VANGELIS: Good for you, brother. (to Marinos) You want me to break your face, man?
You want me to put the doc to work?

MARINOS: Come ahead!

EKTORAS: Now hold on, guys. Calm down. You’ve got a problem. We’re here to solve it.
MARINOS: Slow down, bro. I don’t like that stuff. I’m not a fan of psychoanalysis.

VANGELIS: I don’t like it either. When I’ve got a problem, I prefer to talk it out with a friend.

MARINOS: You’ve got friends?

VANGELIS: No, but I’m against psychoanalysis.

EKTORAS: Lads, your problem isn’t psychological. It’s dermatological. I’ve noticed that
you’re both showing serious signs of hair loss.

VANGELIS: I’m not losing my hair!

MARINOS: And I don’t have hair.

EKTORAS: Yes, but I’ve got two boxes of Thamakrin. I have to sell them all to get a
bonus. How many boxes can I put you down for?

VANGELIS: How about two?

MARINOS: Will they be enough?

EKTORAS: Just take a box and get going.

LEFTERIS: Yes. Certainly, General. Everything is ready. I’ve given strict orders. Every
inch of the camp will be cleaned. Yes. Of course. The US national anthem will be sung a
cappella, just like at the NBA finals. You’re asking who’s going to sing it? I’m waiting for a
response from Kalomira. Well, that’s left him speechless.

IRINI: Careful. That one’s crooked.

VANESA: I like the hawk hanging crooked.

IRINI: It’s not a hawk, it’s a bald eagle.

VANESA: You’re so educated! I don’t care what it is. Let it wear a wig! And I want it
hanging crooked.

THANASIS: Varkari and Kapsali, can you leave us alone for a moment?

VANESA: Are you going to argue?

THANASIS: Probably.

VANESA: Verbally? Or will you resort to violence? I’d like to watch from outside.

LEFTERIS: There will be violence, but do you know who the target will be?

VANESA: Who?
LEFTERIS: Get the hell out! Now, say what you’re going to say. We have to decide who’s
going to sing the US national anthem. Do you have any suggestions?

THANASIS: Filio Pyrgaki.

LEFTERIS: Will she have time? She’s touring all the village festivals.

THANASIS: Lefteris, please listen to me for once. Just once, even if it’s the last time. All
right? I’m begging you to leave your ego at the door, otherwise we’ll be a laughing stalk.
You’re not alone here.

LEFTERIS: Stop bellyaching and say what you’re going to say.

THANASIS: I want you to stop the over-the-top welcoming ceremonies. This kind of
nonsense is why you lost your camp and got dumped on me!

LEFTERIS: What do I have left to lose? My ceremonial uniform?

THANASIS: No, Lefteris, they won’t take that. But please, let’s stop the wasteful spending.
Let’s focus on the sole reason of this visit, which is the device!

LEFTERIS: The device is here, isn’t it?

THANASIS: Yes, it’s here.

LEFTERIS: It’s in good condition, isn’t it?

VANGELIS: Oh, crap!

TASOS: How did this happen?

THANASIS: Yes, it is. Excuse me. Something urgent has come up.

LEFTERIS: What, do you need to take a dump? Do your business and come back. Elton
sent me some photos of President Trump to hang up.

THANASIS: Yes. I’ll be right back. We’ve got work to do.

LEFTERIS: Great. The President’s changed so much. What happened to that corncob
combover we all know and love?

ALEXANDROS: I can’t get a good coffee at the Rec Centre ever since you left, doc.

EKTORAS: Is it just me, Alexandros, or are you going a little thin on top?

ALEXANDROS: What are you saying, doc? My hair’s fine.

EKTORAS: Yes, well, you never know with hair. One minute you’re fine, the next minute
you’re shopping for wigs online.
ALEXANDROS: Whatever, I don’t care. I’m not thinking about that, pal. Irini has returned
to her safe harbour. To her Piraeus. Me! I’m flying high, my friend.

EKTORAS: Flying high, huh? I’m not sure you should be celebrating, given the
circumstances.

ALEXANDROS: What do you mean? Do you know something I don’t?

EKTORAS: No, I know exactly as much as you do. I suppose I’m just thinking about it a
little differently. Well, whatever. I don’t want to bring your mood down with my cold logic
and informed thinking.

ALEXANDROS: Tell me what you’re thinking, or I’ll yank your brain out and root through it
myself.

EKTORAS: I think it’s a little excessive of you to be over the moon, given that Varkari
came back to you, her Piraeus, after making a brief rest stop elsewhere.

ALEXANDROS: Where?

EKTORAS: In Spetses.

ALEXANDROS: Yeah, but she didn’t make a proper stop in Spetses. She stayed for half
an hour to refuel and then sailed back to Piraeus.

EKTORAS: All right. If that doesn’t bother Piraeus, I don’t have an issue. I happen to know
many “harbours” that would be bothered by something like that.

ALEXANDROS: Can we stop talking about harbours and ships? We’re in the infantry!

EKTORAS: Alexandros, don’t you think it’s strange that Varkari is kissing soldiers one day
and asking you to take her to Prespes the next?

ALEXANDROS: Why should I, birdbrain? She chose me!

EKTORAS: Yes, but did she have to choose in the first place? Could it be that she’s
indecisive? How many times will this happen in your relationship? What’s your position
going to be?

ALEXANDROS: You’re stressing me out now.

EKTORAS: Do you know that stress is the number one cause of hair loss?

ALEXANDROS: I’ve heard something like that.

EKTORAS: Right. Take a box. Get your head together. And keep it hairy.

THANASIS: With everything that’s been going on, I’d forgotten it was broken.

GLIKERIA: I’d forgotten we were keeping it here.

SOTIRIS DALEKAS: And I’d forgotten it was a piece of military equipment. I used it to
cook steaks.

THANASIS: What are these? Grease stains?

SOTIRIS: No, that’s a special marinade I came up with myself for beef steaks. I’ll tell you
how I make it. I start out with kiwi...

THANASIS: We’re doomed! It’s not working.

GLIKERIA: Did you hope that Dalekas’ special marinade would have fixed it?

THANASIS: Who said we should keep it in the kitchen?

GLIKERIA: /SOTIRIS: You did, sir.

THANASIS: I know. And I’m in deep trouble. General Staff will demote me, and Goulas will
never let me live it down.

GLIKERIA: Hold on. Let’s think about this calmly. What are our options?

THANASIS: I could steal a helicopter and defect to Istanbul.

MARINOS: “My vision blurs, I cannot see

The beasts in my soul won’t let me be
I am drowning in a melancholic sea
Natalia, why won’t you sleep with me?”

SOLDIERS: Well done.

EKTORAS: Is that it?

MARINOS: Good, huh?

EKTORAS: It seems to me that your cognitive patterns are not aligned with the axis of
memory. Am I mistaken?

MARINOS: Well, the audience disagrees.

VANGELIS: Have you finished?

MARINOS: Twice!

VANGELIS: Can you drop this joke already? It’s starting to get tiring!

MARINOS: The public will judge whether it’s started to get tiring, my poor boy. Karipidis,
are you tired of it?

TASOS: Leave me out of this.

EKTORAS: Now hold on, Karipidis, my boy. What’s happened to you? Why are you so
troubled?

TASOS: I did something bad last night and I’m going to regret it.

VANGELIS: Brother, no matter what you’ve done, I’ll christen the kid.

TASOS: No, man. Don’t sweat it. It’s nothing like that. At least, I think so. I’m not certain.

MARINOS: What did you do last night, Karipidis? Which gutter did you end up in? And why
didn’t you tell us?

TASOS: Last night I was so pissed off, I posted a really negative review on Rookieland. I
made a fake account and wrote horrible things about the camp.

VANGELIS: So it was you? You’re the one they’re after? Oh, this is gonna hurt!

TASOS: What should I do, guys?

EKTORAS: You should protect your hair while you’re still young.

VANGELIS: Quit it with the drugs already, doc! (to Tasos) Chillax, buddy. Nobody’s gonna
realise. That’s a Margaronis guarantee.

GLIKERIA: (voice over tannoy) Private Karipidis, report to the Colonel’s office. I repeat:
Private Karipidis, report to the Colonel’s office.

EKTORAS: Want a Thamakrin free of charge?

TASOS: So much for the guarantee.

MARINOS: He’s got a suppository version, too. (to Vangelis) What is it?

GLIKERIA: Are these American flags enough or should I bring more?

THANASIS: There aren’t this many American flags in all of Oklahoma, Glikeria. Enough
already!

GLIKERIA: Mr Goulas said...

THANASIS: Please, stop! I’m telling you, there are going to be problems if he carries on
like this.

GLIKERIA: I’ll leave you two alone to talk. I have to go to Brigade HQ. (to Tasos) You pay
close attention to what your colonel tells you.

TASOS: Colonel, sir.

THANASIS: I’ll get straight to the point, Karipidis. The situation is very serious. It’s an issue
of national security.
TASOS: You don’t need to say anything else. This is my mess. I’m the only one who can
fix it.

THANASIS: Good for you, but how do you know what I need you for?

TASOS: I realised things would end up like this during the morning report.

THANASIS: Right, but you’re not telling me what you’re going to do and I’m starting to
worry.

TASOS: I can have my service postponed.

THANASIS: That won’t help. You’ll stay here and deal with it.

TASOS: If you’re asking me to take down the app, I don’t have the means to do that.

THANASIS: It has an app? Is that how it works?

TASOS: How else is it supposed to work, sir? It’s 2020! You think everything runs off a
website?

THANASIS: Don’t ask me! How should I know? That’s why I called you here! Can you pick
up from where you left off and try to fix the damage?

TASOS: I can’t. I’ve sold it.

THANASIS: Sold it? I just saw it earlier!

TASOS: That doesn’t mean it hasn’t been sold!

THANASIS: Hold on. You sold the American device? To whom? Russia? China? North
Korea? Who?

TASOS: What device?

THANASIS: The device, boy! The American device for controlling drones! They’re coming
to collect it and we need to repair it!

TASOS: Oh, OK! I’m off to the kitchen.

THANASIS: Hold on! What were you talking about?

TASOS: It doesn’t matter one bit. I have to go. And it looks like I gotta be quick.

THANASIS: Listen. Goulas mustn’t find out. He doesn’t know the device is broken.

TASOS: How is that gonna work? If he sees me fixing it...

TASOS: I’ve arranged everything. The repair work will be carried out outside the camp.
You fix the device. I’ll delay them for as long as I can.
NATALIA: Do you see? Taking the best years of my life is not enough for him. Now that
crook wants my caravan!

FRANTZESKA: Unbelievable! Do you know what he wants with it?

NATALIA: That recluse? He’ll turn it into an outdoor toilet! God, what am I going to do? My
poor boy!

FRANTZESKA: Calm down. Hey, what if you bought a house near the camp?

NATALIA: What are you saying? I don’t have that kind of money. The caravan was the
only way for me to stay close to my little Vangelis. My child!

FRANTZESKA: Can I toss a crazy idea your way?

NATALIA: I’m listening.

FRANTZESKA: What if you let Vangelis finish his service on his own?

NATALIA: I’m getting cold shivers at the thought. Stop it!

FRANTZESKA: Fine. I’ve offered you a piece of advice. Give the thought some time to
mature, because your little Vangelis also needs to mature at some point.

NATALIA: You’re talking a lot about maturity suddenly.

FRANTZESKA: Why do you say that? I’m very mature for my incredibly young age.

FILIS: Watch where you’re leaning, Natalia. Frantzeska was getting it on with a soldier in
here last night.

FRANTZESKA: Cut it out, Filis, before I grab you by the neck.

NATALIA: Pardon the interruption, but is this where the Maturity Festival is held?

FILIS: Oh, yeah. We haven’t had a Boink-the-Soldier Festival for a while, but she
remembered how the game’s played last night.

NATALIA: Give us some details. Do we know him? Who is he?

FRANTZESKA: Let’s not make a big deal out of this. I just shared one drunken kiss with a
soldier. If I saw him now, I wouldn’t recognise him.

ELTON: Careful, Karipidis! The damn thing’s slippery.

TASOS: All right! Grab a bit that isn’t covered in marinade.

FRANTZESKA: Oh, crap! Hey.

VANESA: I always mix the two ropes up.

IRINI: Do you need help?

VANESA: From you? Not even if I was hanging from a cliff.

IRINI: If you don’t watch how you talk to me, that’s where you’ll end up.

VANESA: (mocking imitation) “If you don’t watch how you talk to me, that’s where you’ll
end up!”

LEFTERIS: Varkari, I hope your colleague and Glikeria have informed you about that after
careful consideration, I have decided that the American’s reception will be frugal, with no
fanfare involved.

IRINI: Yes, they told me. I can’t believe you agreed with Skordas.

LEFTERIS: Agreed with Skordas? It was my decision.

IRINI: We can’t have you admitting you were wrong. Something terrible might happen.

LEFTERIS: Frugality wasn’t invented by Skordas!

IRINI: You mean it wasn’t conceived by Skordas. Fridges are an invention.

LEFTERIS: Frugality is also an invention. End of story. That’s an order!

IRINI: At least you admit your mistakes.

LEFTERIS: If you want to know, I understand when I’m overdoing it. I’m not...

IRINI: Narrow-minded?

LEFTERIS: Narrow-minded. I cancelled all the events. I even cancelled on Maro Litra,
even though I wanted her to perform here and was thrilled to have booked her. But we
must be frugal.

THANASIS: Kapsali, what are you doing?

VANESA: I’m trying to lower the flag.

THANASIS: No, don’t lower it! Raise it higher.

LEFTERIS: Lower the flag.

THANASIS: No, Kapsali. Raise it!

LEFTERIS: Lower it, Kapsali.

THANASIS: Raise it, Kapsali. I decided we should do it your way. Let’s organise a
splendid reception. They might return the favour.

LEFTERIS: What do you expect, a transfer to the Pentagon? We finally agreed on

something and you’re making me regret it. Lower the flag at once!
THANASIS: No, raise the flag at once! Lefteris, we agree on the initial idea. Raise the flag,
Kapsali. Think about the wonderful things the Americans will say about you if their
representative enjoys an impressive welcome. Which singer have you booked?

LEFTERIS: Maro.

THANASIS: Who, Maro Kontou?

LEFTERIS: Maro Litra, but she’s asking for too much.

THANASIS: That’s all right. We’ll book someone else who’ll ask for less. Lower the flag,
Kapsali.

IRINI: No, you were telling her to raise it.

THANASIS: Oh, that’s right! Raise it, Kapsali.

LEFTERIS: Right. Listen, I’ve got an idea. We’ll find a middle ground between frugality and
fanfare. A middle ground, God dammit!

THANASIS: All right, we’ll do that. Are we in agreement?

LEFTERIS: (indistinct)

THANASIS: What did you say?

IRINI: He agrees, but he can’t say it.

THANASIS: That’s all right. I’ll take it.

LEFTERIS: (indistinct) (to Thanasis) Why did you stand over there? Are you trying to look
taller?

THANASIS: Now you mention it, it lets me see you from a different perspective.

VANGELIS: Come on, boy! Give it your all!

NATALIA: Hello, Stathis, dear. This business with the caravan isn’t going to drag on, is it? I
think you’re going through a phase, like that two-month stretch when you thought you were
a good husband. Stathis? Can you hear me? Wicked man!

THANASIS: Hello, Natalia. How are you?

NATALIA: Everything is fine, Thanasis . How are you?

THANASIS: I’m fine, thank you. I’d like to ask a favour of you, provided you’re willing and
it’s easy for you.

NATALIA: Tell me. I’ll do anything for you.

THANASIS: We want to organise a reception for an American visitor. We want to prepare
some nice, homemade American hot dogs for him.

NATALIA: Great.

THANASIS: But Dalekas doesn’t have time and I don’t trust anything Filis brings to me.
So, I thought of you. You understand.

NATALIA: You don’t need to explain further. I understand.

THANASIS: And of course, I’ll send the quartermaster here to bring you anything you ask
for.

NATALIA: Should I still make those mini burgers with brioche buns and little American
flags stuck in them?

THANASIS: Mini burgers? Brioche buns? I don’t understand.

NATALIA: The ones Goulas asked for.

THANASIS: That rascal! He really was planning something.

NATALIA: Who?

THANASIS: It’s nothing. Yes, of course. You should make those little burgers with brioche
buns. Yes. We’ll talk later. Thank you very much. I have to go.

NATALIA: Hello, Stathis. Don’t hang up. What? Voicemail? Listen, sweetheart. I’ll burn
down this caravan before I let you take it from me, just like you burned down our marriage.
Did you hear me, you scumbag?

LEFTERIS: How are you, Mrs Margaroni?

NATALIA: Hello, sir. What can I do for you?

LEFTERIS: I came to cancel on the mini burgers.

NATALIA: Are we just going with the hot dogs, in the end?

LEFTERIS: The what?

NATALIA: The ones Tha... The ones Mr Skordas requested.

LEFTERIS: That wannabe colonel is up to something. I see.

VANGELIS: What’s going on? Now Goulas is hitting on my mum, too? Just how popular is
this woman?

GLIKERIA: (in broken English) Hey there, stranger. My name is Glikeria. How things go? I
can play perfectly Texas hold ‘em and Omaha hold ‘em, and I bet on Major League
Soccer. (in Greek) So, how’s my accent?
TRYFON PANDIS: That was totally cringe.

GLIKERIA: Didn’t it sound American enough?

TRYFON: It was way too American. Don’t you realise that if you speak to an American in a
Southern cowboy accent, it’ll be like you showing up in America and being greeted with (in
bad Greek-American accent) “Welcome, lassie! Whose daughter are you? Want a raki?”

GLIKERIA: Forget all that. Let’s go over the reception programme one more time.

TRYFON: Why?

GLIKERIA: To make a good impression!

TRYFON: I’ll make a perfectly good impression! Half my followers are American. I was
promoting GEICO yesterday.

GLIKERIA: I’ve never seen that team on a football coupon.

LEFTERIS: What’s going on here?

TRYFON: We’re preparing for the reception.

LEFTERIS: Don’t you think this is too much for the reception?

GLIKERIA: What do you mean, sir? Haven’t I decorated enough? I’ve even put up Obama
stickers.

TRYFON: Ah, yes. The Oscar-winning president.

LEFTERIS: Perhaps my little friend Thanasis has overdone it.

TRYFON: Like, who even is that?

LEFTERIS: Skordas.

TRYFON: Big yikes, fam.

LEFTERIS: Call me fam again and I’ll show you big yikes!

THANASIS: Nice, isn’t it? We’ve got a rugby ball, a baseball and a bat. This pumpkin,
though... What if we gave it to Dalekas and had him make us 30 pumpkin pies?

IRINI: Do we really need to make the American feel this much at home?

ALEXANDROS: She’s right. We’ve already given them a base in a strategically valuable
area.

THANASIS: Leave it to me. I know what’s needed.

ALEXANDROS: Second Lieutenant, may I speak with you briefly?

IRINI: You may, Megas.

ALEXANDROS: Irini, are you sure you want us to go to Prespes together?

IRINI: What do you mean?

ALEXANDROS: I’m just saying. Is there something else on your mind?

IRINI: Like what, for example? Lake Trichonida?

ALEXANDROS: More like Karipidis, for example.

IRINI: What are you saying?

ALEXANDROS: Irini, I’m losing my mind. Tell me which of the two of us you want. Me or
him?

IRINI: Alexandros, are you seriously asking me that? Isn’t the answer obvious?

ALEXANDROS: I don’t know. Papanidis got me worried, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

IRINI: Papanidis! Of course.

ALEXANDROS: Well, yes. One minute you’re kissing Karipidis, the next you’re coming to
me and suggesting a romantic trip. What the hell do you actually want?

IRINI: I want us to go on a goddamn trip and make up properly, like normal people! That’s
what I want. But maybe it would be best to cancel, because you’ll be thinking of Papanidis’
needling the whole thing! I’m tired of this.

ALEXANDROS: Irini, wait! Listen to me.

THANASIS: And they say my camp’s a mess.

LEFTERIS: Skordas, what did we agree on earlier?

THANASIS: We didn’t agree on anything specific, because it’s impossible for you to agree
with me.

LEFTERIS: Didn’t we agree to a middle ground between frugality and extravagance?

THANASIS: Yes, Lefteris. Why do you ask?

LEFTERIS: Because you seem to be edging towards extravagance.

THANASIS: Oh, come on! It’s just going to be a simple, relaxed soirée, nothing more. It’s
for our American friend’s sake.

GLIKERIA: (voice over tannoy)Mr Goulas and Mr Skordas to the Skordas office, please.
THANASIS: He’s here!

LEFTERIS: I’m gonna whack her with this damn hunk of wood. “The Skordas office”, my
ass!

GLIKERIA: They’ll be here in a bit.

TRYFON: (translating to English) They will be here soon enough.

LEFTERIS: (in broken English) Welcome, Mr Representative. Welcome.

TRYFON: (translating to English) Welcome, Mr Representative. Welcome.

THANASIS: How was your trip?

TRYFON: (translating to English) How was your trip?

LEFTERIS: We’re very happy to have you with us.

TRYFON: (translating to English) We are so happy for your presence.

THANASIS: All right, but how was your trip, in the end?

TRYFON: (translating to English) And finally, how was your trip?

THODORIS SOURLINGAS: Plane was a wee bit shoogly, but I ain’t complainin’.

LEFTERIS: What’s he saying?

TRYFON: The plane was a bit wobbly, but he isn’t complaining.

GLIKERIA: He’s got a very thick accent. He must be from the heartland of Oklahoma.

THANASIS: Ask him what his name is.

TRYFON: What’s your name, sir?

THODORIS: Thodoris Sourlingas, Greek delegate o’ the Americans.

TRYFON: Thodoris Sourlingas, Greek delegate of the Americans.

LEFTERIS: Are you Greek-American, sir?

THODORIS: Nay, lad! I’m from Larisa. I’m a military attaché.

TRYFON: Either the Americans are playing a prank, or we are. I’ve lost track of the plot.

GLIKERIA: Have a seat. Let us treat you to something.

TRYFON: Have a seat. Let us treat you to something.

THODORIS: Here or there?

TRYFON: Here.

THODORIS: There. Right!

ELTON: You need a spark wrench for this bit?

TASOS: No, dummy. It’s not a car.

ELTON: Everything can be fixed the same way, man.

FILIS: Hey, Frantzeska. Is it just me or was this lad here last night, too?

FRANTZESKA: He was here. Now zip it!

ELTON: No way. You were here last night? Did you get overnight leave?

TASOS: Yeah, something like that.

FRANTZESKA: How long is this going to take, guys? I want to lay this table soon.

ELTON: Mr Skordas is paying by the minute. Relax.

FILIS: He’s right, doll. Why don’t you relax a bit?

FRANTZESKA: You’re right. Do we know who broke this machine?

TASOS: Unfortunately, not.

FILIS: All right, I’ll keep my mouth shut.

FRANTZESKA: What does it even do? Why is it so important?

TASOS: It produces a frequency that lets it control all UAVs within a half-mile radius.

FILIS: I bet she didn’t understand a word of that.

ELTON: Well, if you need a ratchet, I’ve got one.

TASOS: Frantzeska?

FRANTZESKA: Yes?

TASOS: I want to explain my behaviour last night. I’m not the sort of guy who gets drunk
and does that kind of thing. I’m genuinely sorry.

ELTON: What’s going on here, Filis?

FILIS: Quiet, man. This is getting better and better.

FRANTZESKA: There’s no reason to explain yourself, friend. It’s all good. Let’s stick to
lighter topics. What does this machine do?

TASOS: It sends signals to all nearby drones and…

FRANTZESKA: Wait a sec! Wait a sec. What exactly do you mean when you say you don’t
do that kind of thing?

TASOS: Look, with all due respect...

FRANTZESKA: Yes?

TASOS: I was in a really weird space last night and…

FRANTZESKA: And?

TASOS: And I guess I wanted to let off some steam after an awful rejection! I’m truly,
deeply sorry.

FRANTZESKA: That’s OK. No problem. We’re fine.

FILIS: Yeah, man. There’s no problem. My sister did the same thing after a boy rejected
her.

FRANTZESKA: Are you gonna shut up or do you want me to thrash you?

TASOS: In any case, I’m sorry.

FRANTZESKA: No, it’s OK. No problem.

TASOS: Colonel, sir?

THANASIS: How much longer do you need? We’ve got a problem here.

TASOS: I still haven’t figured out what the damage is. Plus, there’s some sauce in the mix.

THANASIS: All right. But hurry up. Everything depends on you.

LEFTERIS: Who are you telling to hurry up? Who does everything depend on? Spill it.

THANASIS: Don’t yell. I’ll tell you.

LEFTERIS: Tell me already!

THANASIS: The device is broken.

LEFTERIS: You useless creature! I’ll rat you out right now.

THANASIS: In case you haven’t realised, allow me to remind you that things have
changed here. You and I are one now!
LEFTERIS: That’s a pretty slogan for the media. It doesn’t actually apply to us.

THANASIS: It does apply to us! And right now, one of my soldiers is repairing the device in
Filis’ restaurant and we need to buy time. So help me!

IRINI: What happened? Did the American come?

LEFTERIS: He did, but he turned out be a wee bit local. Go to Filis’ and monitor the
situation. I don’t trust anyone. Someone is supposedly repairing it.

THANASIS: Right. And we need to delay him!

LEFTERIS: Go!

IRINI: Yes, sir.

THODORIS: I’m wantin’ to see the device! Where’s it at?

LEFTERIS: What did he say?

TRYFON: “I want to see the device! Where is it?”

NATALIA: Oh, this blasted door! Who is it?

MARINOS: Guess.

NATALIA: This isn’t a good time, Antypas dear.

MARINOS: Love doesn’t wait for a good time.

NATALIA: No, this really isn’t a good time. I can’t come out and I need to take food up to
the dining room for the American.

MARINOS: Is the door stuck again? One sec, I’ll open it. It won’t open.

NATALIA: Try pressing down on the handle and turning it.

MARINOS: Nope.

NATALIA: Fuck!

MARINOS: That’s OK. I’ll just do it like this.

NATALIA: Do what like what?

MARINOS: I’ll say it Shakespeare style.

“My vision blurs, I cannot see

The beasts in my soul won’t let me be
I am drowning in a melancholic sea
Natalia, why won’t you sleep with me?”
NATALIA: Open the door and I promise I’ll kill you.

ELTON: Buddy, you’re sweating buckets!

TASOS: I must fix it quick, no matter what.

FILIS: What’s the rush, kiddo? Are you the one who broke it?

FRANTZESKA: They call that “bloody cheek” in my village.

FILIS: We’re from the same village, so shut up.

TASOS: No, I didn’t break it. But I messed up something else and now I’m trying to fix the
situation. Anyway, it’s a long story.

FILIS: So why didn’t you just say that, instead of working in silence this whole time?

TASOS: Because the damage is more extensive than I thought!

FILIS: Is it missing a pink wire?

TASOS: Yeah, it’s missing a wire, but I don’t know the colour.

FILIS: It’s pink, believe me. Trust my intuition.

TASOS: What else could possibly go wrong? Crap!

IRINI: Hello.

FILIS/FRANTZESKA: Hello.

ELTON: Hey there. What brings you here?

IRINI: I was sent to check on the device.

TASOS: Everything’s fine. You didn’t need to come. You could have just video called me.

IRINI: I have orders to remain here. Is there a problem with that?

TASOS: No, Varkari. No problem.

IRINI: How’s it going?

TASOS: Not so well. Part of the device is ruined.

IRINI: Which part is that?

TASOS: Its heart.

LEFTERIS: Prepare to enjoy some chosen food from your homeland.

THODORIS: From me homeland? Is there lamb kleftiko? Grand!

THANASIS: Or at least from the land you represent. Please, step inside and admire the
spread.

SOTIRIS: What’s up?

LEFTERIS: Five days’ extended service, that’s what’s up! Give me two minutes, Mr
Representative. You, come with me! Where’s the food? Where’s Natalia?

SOTIRIS: You didn’t want me to cook for him! Trump would be awarding you medals by
now if you’d let me.

LEFTERIS: How can we delay him?

SOTIRIS: You want to delay him? Leave it to me.

THODORIS: So is there summat to eat? They didn’t give us a thing on the plane.

LEFTERIS: Well, is there summat to eat?

SOTIRIS: This yokel is the American representative?

THODORIS: An’ who are ye to address a military attaché in this manner?

SOTIRIS: Oh, he’s a military attaché, too! Who pulled strings to get you hired, frybread?

THODORIS: What did he say? Did he call me “frybread”? Let me just warn ye, pal! Ye’re
playin’ wi’ fire!

LEFTERIS: 20 days’ extended service! “Frybread”, indeed. For shame!

THODORIS: Lads, is there any frybread?

LEFTERIS: Is there any frybread?

SOTIRIS: Leave it to me.

MARINOS: Why won’t you talk to me, Natalia?

NATALIA: Because you’re not at all well.

MARINOS: I started out just messing with Vangelis, but something happened along the
way.

NATALIA: Something changed inside you?

MARINOS: Exactly. I’m glad you understand. What do you have to say?

NATALIA: That you’re not at all well. Nothing’s changed.

VANGELIS: Come here, you bastard!

MARINOS: What are you doing? Are you nuts? Didn’t you say…

VANGELIS: Get out of here. I’m mad as hell! Go!

MARINOS: Fine, I’m going! But I’ll be back! Farewell, sweet Natalia.

NATALIA: Bye.

VANGELIS: Beat it, dumbass! Mother, enough’s enough.

NATALIA: What was he going to say? What did you say to him?

VANGELIS: I didn’t say anything to him. Listen to me. I’m tired. I can’t take this anymore.

NATALIA: What can’t you take anymore, my boy?

VANGELIS: Officers, soldiers, passersby! I’m sick of seeing all these men chasing you!

NATALIA: You make it sound like they’re parading outside the caravan.

VANGELIS: If you stay much longer, there will be a parade! That’s why I think it’s time for
you to pack your things.

NATALIA: I don’t understand. Are you telling me to leave?

VANGELIS: We need distance. I want my own space. I’m sorry.

NATALIA: So am I.

VANGELIS: Open the door. I need to take a shit.

TASOS: Shine a light here, Elton.

ELTON: Well? Have you ever been to the Mona Lisa for a margarita?

IRINI: I don’t understand why you’re so cold towards me. You’re the one who messed up.

TASOS: I didn’t tell Skordas anything. I’m not at fault. He just saw us in the Rec Centre!

IRINI: I don’t believe that. I’m certain you let something slip to someone. Just like I’m
certain that something’s up with your app and the information leaks.

ELTON: Seriously, have you ever been to the Mona Lisa for a margarita?

TASOS: Shine a light here, I said!

FRANTZESKA: Do you reckon the two of them will make up?

FILIS: I dunno. They might. Why, do you care?

FRANTZESKA: Not at all.

FILIS: Gotcha. Leave it to me. (To Elton, indistinct) That’s it. I’ve sent it.

FRANTZESKA: Why did you snap a pic of them? Where did you send it?

IRINI: Hi, Alexandros. What’s wrong with you? Why are you yelling like that? What? Wait,
Alexandros! Don’t shout! Let me explain.

TASOS: What happened?

ELTON: Forget the girl. What about the machine?

TASOS: Where have you parked?

LEFTERIS: Do you think the cook will pull it off?

THANASIS: Karipidis’ phone is switched off. Why now, of all times?

LEFTERIS: I’m gonna go tell that Greek-American hillbilly I was in a different camp when
you wrecked the device.

THANASIS: You think you’ll get off scot free if you tell him that? Keep dreaming. Hello,
Filis. Let me talk to Karipidis, please. He left with Elton? And they took the machine?

LEFTERIS: They’re going to sell it for parts in Bulgaria! You useless idiot! How could you
entrust our fates to a soldier? I’m going to rat you out.

THANASIS: Where are you going, Lefteris? Stay here!

LEFTERIS: Mr Representative, I’ve come to reveal…

SOTIRIS: I don’t think he’ll be interested in revelations in his present condition.

LEFTERIS: I told you to delay him, not finish him off!

THANASIS: Mr Representative, whatever he tells you is a lie! Oh, damn. You two! Did you
kill this man?

EKTORAS: No, we haven’t killed him. Dalekas almost caused him to have a nervous
breakdown and I gave him five doses of valerian to calm him down.

THODORIS: (indistinct)

LEFTERIS: If anything happens to him, you’re each getting three days’ extended service.

THANASIS: Talk to me, Elton.

TASOS: This is Karipidis. We’ve got a problem. We’re three or four miles away from camp.
Yeah, it’s missing a cable that we might have left behind. It’s just that we’ve got a flat tire.

THANASIS: Where are you now? We’ll come find you.

TASOS: Where are we?

ELTON: At Stratianis’ turn.

TASOS: At Stratianis’ turn. Can you hear me? Hello? Hello? It switched off, man!

ELTON: Damn, the battery died! And I forgot my charger.

TASOS: That’s it. It’s all over for me.

THANASIS: Karipidis! Hello?

LEFTERIS: Where’s the device?

THANASIS: I don’t know where the device is. What are we going to do with him?

EKTORAS: Oh, crap! I didn’t give him valerian. I gave him Thamakrin. And I think I gave
him a little more than the recommended dose.

LEFTERIS: Forget Somalia. We’re getting sent straight to the firing squad.

CREDITS RECAP

LEONTIOS: The Americans are sending a representative today.

LEFTERIS: What for?

LEONTIOS: To retrieve the machine.

LEFTERIS: The device is here, isn’t it?

THANASIS: Yes, it’s here.

LEFTERIS: It’s in good condition, isn’t it?

THANASIS: With everything that’s been going on, I’d forgotten it was broken.

FRANTZESKA: I don’t drink with soldiers. I’ve been deeply hurt.

TASOS: Whoa! Why, what happened?

FRANTZESKA: I can’t tell you. I don’t know you.

NATALIA: I don’t believe it! It’s from my ex-husband. He wants to take the caravan!

LEFTERIS: The Army IT Support Centre have informed us about an online data breach
concerning our camp.

TASOS: Uh-oh.

THODORIS: Thodoris Sourlingas, Greek delegate o’ the Americans.

LEFTERIS: Are you Greek-American, sir?

THODORIS: Nay, lad! I’m from Larisa.

LEFTERIS: How can we delay him?

SOTIRIS: You want to delay him? Leave it to me.

SOTIRIS: Who pulled strings to get you hired, frybread?

THODORIS: What did he say? Did he call me “frybread”?

LEFTERIS: 20 days’ extended service! “Frybread”, indeed. For shame!

MARINOS: I started out just messing with Vangelis, but something happened along the
way.

NATALIA: Something changed inside you?

MARINOS: Exactly. What do you have to say?

NATALIA: That you’re not at all well.

THODORIS: (indistinct)

TASOS: We've got a problem.

THANASIS: Where are you now? We’ll come find you.

TASOS: It switched off, man!

ELTON: Damn, the battery died! And I forgot my charger.

TASOS: That’s it. It’s all over for me.