Keeping The Joy in Marriage Workbook

Keeping the Joy in Marriage! !
Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Keeping the Joy in Marriage

A Workbook for Couples
Including 40 cartoons and workbook activities
Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski

Illustrated by Bill Schorr
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Keeping the Joy in Marriage
A Workbook for Couples
Copyright © 2013 Jane Nelsen, Mary Nelsen Tamborski, Bill Schorr
All rights reserved. No part of this eBook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form
or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any
information storage or retrieval system, without written permission permission from
Positive Discipline Publishing, www.positivediscipline.com
Introduction
It all started when Terese and Paul Bradshaw shared that they had used the Positive
Discipline Tool Cards for their relationship (even though they are written as parenting
tools) and found that they were so effective that they felt like they were on their
honeymoon after 25 years of marriage. Thus the idea of Keeping the Joy in Marriage Tool
Cards was born.
The project became even more exciting when Bill Schorr agreed to do the cartoons.
He is a political cartoonist and was not sure he could do relationship cards. We have no
doubt that his cartoons will make you laugh, creating a great foundation for learning
tools to keep the joy in your marriage. (Bill also created the delightful illustrations for
the children’s book, Jared’s Cool Out Space.)
Most couples feel an abundance of joy in each other when they are newlyweds.
However, many eventually experience the dreaded honeymoon is over phase, even when
they still love each other. Far too many (statistics say over 50%) go from honeymoon is
over to divorce. Why does this happen, and how can you avoid it?
Dr. John Gottman1 found (after over 20 years of scientific research) that most
couples, who eventually divorce, fall into what he calls the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. Any, or all of these
horsemen negate loving and respectful communication.
As you read these four styles of communication (and, yes, even stonewalling is a
nonverbal form of communication) it is likely that you can recognize the one, or more
than one, that fits for you. We suggest you make a copy of these horsemen and paste
them where you can be reminded of what to avoid. Of course, it is almost impossible to
stop old habits without establishing new habits. Practicing the suggestions on these 40
Keeping the Joy in Marriage tool cards has helped many couples exchange their four
horseman habits of poor communication for loving and respectful communication.
Several beta testers of these tool cards are fans of The Five Love Languages2 by Gary
Chapman, and have shared the fun they had with the cartoons and many suggestions to
deepen their understanding and communication skills in the love language of their
partner.
The activities for the cartoon topics that appear on the Keeping the Joy in Marriage
Tool Cards are expanded in this eBook because of space limits on the deck of cards. The
1John Gottman, Ph.D, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Simon and Shuster, New York, NY,
1994
2Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Northfield
Publishing, Chicago, 2010
eBook includes a Tool Card in Action story from real couples who share how these tool
cards enhanced their relationships.
Journaling
Taking the time to do the journaling suggested in the activities is guaranteed to
increase your understanding and use of the tools. Thoroughly engaging in these
activities indicates your commitment to your relationship and, we are sure, the positive
results you will experience. After you have completed the activities and written in your
journal about your results, be sure to use the tool cards over and over as gentle
reminders of ways to keep the joy in your marriage. Reading you journal over and over
will serve as a joyful reminder of the small, but hugely effective things you can do to
Keep the Joy in Your Marriage.
Share Your Stories

We would love to hear your Keeping the Joy in Marriage Tool Card in Action
stories. Please submit them to contact@positivediscipline.com along with your
permission to use them in future editions of this ebook and/or printed versions.
Relationship Map
If you are in the United States and want to go to Canada, it doesn’t make sense to
head south; nor does it make sense to engage in behaviors that keep you from achieving
what you want in your relationship. You will have a more enjoyable journey if you
create a relationship map to guide you to your intended destination—and follow it.
! Couple Activity
1. Each of you make a list of 5 things you

think are necessary to create a great
relationship.
2. This is a great time to start a journal that

will greatly enhance your journey. Your
list of 5 things can be your first entry.
3. As you look at your list, write about

behaviors you may have been engaging in
that keep you from achieving what you
want in your relationship.
4. Share your lists with each other and what

you learned about yourself when you
wrote about how you may have been
engaging in behaviors that keep you from
achieving what you want.
5. Discuss items on your lists that may be important to you but not necessarily to your
partner.
6. Together create a list that looks and feels good to both of you.
7. As you created the list you both like, did you end up with more than five things, or
were you able to eliminate some to end up with five? (Either is okay.)
8. Make your joint list special by making a poster or frame and hanging it where you
can both see it every day.
9. Share with each other what you learned from participating in this activity. Make a
commitment to yourself to change at least one behavior that is sabotaging what you
really want into a behavior that is likely to create more joy in your relationship.
10. Create your own “Tool Card in Action” by journaling about your experience.
Tool Card in Action

It was great to hear each other’s list and think, “Wow—that’s nothing,” or, “Is that
all?” We both felt more connected instantly after sharing each other’s lists.
When we did Step No. 1 of the activity, Mike commented on one of the things on my
list (wanting him to be more interested in my career and to show it by asking questions
and genuinely seeming like he cared). He explained that of course he cares! The reason
he doesn’t ask more questions is because it’s new and somewhat foreign to him and he
“felt intimidated” about not asking the right questions or even knowing what questions
to ask. He also said, “I am always interested in what excites and motivates you, so
please don’t wait for me to ask—just share with me and know that I am interested!”
Good grief. Will I ever get over wanting him to read my mind? That is a behavior I need
to change.
Laney and Mike, California
Tool Card in Action

We loved this exercise. It’s a no brainer for any couple to do on a regular basis! Our
lists turned out to be pretty similar, although I placed 'Sex' a lot higher up than Penny,
which of course promoted an honest discussion about sex drives and turn ons.
Bart and Penny, Sydney, Australia
Tool Card in Action

We each made a list. It turned out we were saying the similar thing but in different
ways. Jason summarized it in simple and right to the point words, and I said it in
sentences with much more detail.
It was comforting that we found the similarity with each other, and yet different
ways of expressing these ideas. It felt like a relief when we were checking off the similar
items from our lists.
Two items on my list but not on Jason’s were security and responsibility. He thought
he included it in the words "loving, caring, giving, and thankful." I did not fully agree,
but found it interesting that the sense of being loved is somewhat different between us.
As a man, his idea of loving is more of giving, and mine is more of a sense of security
and responsibility. It seems my point of view is more from a perspective of receiving,
which I was not aware of. (This is a behavior I need to work on. I have heard that
security is an “inside” job—not something someone can give me. I can now see that
when I feel secure, I also feel like giving.)
Two items that were on his list not mine is Equal and Free. We did not discuss this
further, because we were so occupied discovering the prior two items. Now while I am
writing this summary, I realize it's quite eye opening. It shows that from his point of
view, he may not be treated equally and he may not have adequate freedom! We will
find another time to get into more details.
We finally agreed on the list of ideal relationship as follows:
• Loving
• Equal
• Helping
• Understanding
• Free
• Appreciating
• Trusting
• Sense of Security
• Responsibility
This list opened up a lot more discussion relating to beliefs, values, little things, etc.
Although we did not get to the behavior part, this activity opened a door of open
communication. Even though I felt vulnerable on some topics, I am very happy that we
started to talk about our relationship. Most importantly, he initiated some topics, which
has never happened before. This list gave us a mutual understanding that we can
discuss some issues without immediate defensiveness and conflict. Knowing that we
love each other and we are working together towards the ideal relationship, we are
more accepting and open to each other. This is a good start, and we are looking forward
to moving on to more activities.
Heather and Jason, California
Little Things
Too often we skip the little things because we don’t understand how powerful they
can be in a relationship. What seems little to you may be huge to your partner. Little
things make a big difference for Keeping the Joy in Marriage.
! Couple Activity
1. In your journal, make a list of little things

you know your partner would like, but
you have been too complacent (or
resistant) to do them.
2. Write your excuses for being complacent

or resistant about doing these little things.
3. Are your excuses really more important

than making your partner feel loved?
4. Share your list of what you know your

partner would like and your excuses for
not doing them. (Remember that mistakes
are opportunities to learn.)
5. Now share some of the things on your list

that you are willing to do. Ask your
partner if there is anything he or she
would like to add.
6.Are you willing to make a commitment to

do little things for your partner every day?
7. Share and then journal about what you have learned from this activity.
Tool Card in Action

This was a real eye opener for me. It was not difficult to know the one thing my wife
wants—for me to be more affectionate. The kicker was when I had to think about why I
didn't do it (this little thing) more often. All kinds of things came up for me: 1) the times
I have wanted to be affectionate and she was too tired to accept my affection, 2) the
times I tried to tell her how nice she looked or that I love her, and she gave me reasons
why I shouldn't feel that way.
I realized that I was getting double messages and felt hurt when she didn't accept
what I had to offer. So, I was playing a little revenge. Then I had to look at my
stubbornness. Sometimes I felt resistant because I wanted to be in control and do things

when I wanted to, not because she wanted me to.
As I took a look at what I was doing, I felt silly and petty—maybe adolescent is the
word. I decided to get over myself and be affectionate without expecting anything back
from her. If she accepts it, fine. If she doesn't, fine. After all, I do love her. Why not show
it unconditionally.
Little things? Sounds pretty big to me. Thank you.
A husband too embarrassed to use my name.
Listen
Adam could try validating Eve’s feelings instead of trying to get her to be reasonable.
What keeps you from listening? Do you interrupt by defending, explaining, or trying to
be helpful with advice? Have you become too distracted and busy in life—forgetting
how you hung on every word your partner said when you were courting?
! Couple Activity
1. Take turns sharing a time when you know

you didn’t listen because you became
defensive, wanted to explain, wanted to
give advice, or was distracted by
something more important. (Awareness is
the first step toward improvement.) If you
can’t think of a time, ask your partner if he
or she can think of one.
2. Ask for a chance to try again and listen

with your eyes and your ears, not your
mouth.
3. When your partner seems finished, ask if

there is anything else, or if he or she
would like to share an example. Finish
your part by validating your partners
feelings.
4. This may not be the time to problem-

solve. If either of you think more
discussion is needed, put it on your
Couples Meeting Agenda. (See Couples
Meeting card.)
5. Share with each other and then journal about what you learned from this activity.
Tool Card in Action

Becky shared: This is one of the most important tool cards in the deck. I think most
problems could be resolved or avoided by using this skill. When my husband is angry
or frustrated, I just need to let him have his feelings. I shouldn't try to fix it.
Before using this card, we both tended to interrupt each other when we were
talking. I also learned I have a hard time with other people being angry or frustrated. I
always want to try to fix their problem.
Following Step 1 on the tool card was really helpful in getting us to look at how we
interrupt with defensiveness, explanations, or advice (a lot). We had a good discussion
about this.
This card helped me realize that I tend to take things personally when they aren't
about me. Practicing Steps 2 and 3 was very helpful in reminding me that what my
husband is saying is about him, not me.
Before using this card, I didn't take the time to listen and assumed I knew what
Frank was going to say. No wonder our conversations sometimes turned into
arguments. Step 4 on the tool card helped me to not assume, and really listen more.
Now our conversations don't turn into arguments (because of assumptions).
Becky and Frank, California
Appreciation
Do you sometimes skip appreciation and go for criticism? You can always choose
what you want to focus on—the positive or the negative. What you focus on grows.
Notice what you create in your relationship based on what you choose to focus on. (Several
cards include this theme because it is impossible to have a good relationship without
verbalized appreciation.)
! Couple Activity
1. In your journal, make a list of ten things

you admire and appreciate about your
partner.
2. Then make a list of three of your partner’s

faults (in your opinion).
3. As you look at your two lists, which of

them do you communicate most often to
your partner? (If a relationship is 80%
good, and 20% not so good, it seems to be
a human tendency to spend 80% of our
time focusing on the 20%.When this
happens, it doesn’t take long for the 20%
to look like 100%. In other words (what
we focus on grows.)
4. Now for a really tough question to journal

about: In what ways do you have the
same fault you complain about. For
example, you may complain that your
partner gets defensive. When do you get
defensive?
You may complain that your partner ignores you. How do you ignore your partner?
You may complain that your partner doesn’t appreciate you. How much time do you
spend appreciating your partner?
5. Discuss with your partner what you learned from journaling.
6. Decide if you want to share your lists or wait to see if your partner notices a
difference in your behavior.
7. Make a commitment to verbalize appreciation for your partner at least twice a day.
(Guaranteed to improve your relationship).
8. Journal about the results.
"Love and appreciation are identical vibrations. Appreciation is the absence of everything that
feels bad and the presence of everything that feels good. When you focus upon what you want;
(when you tell the story of how you want your life to be) you will come closer and closer to the
vicinity of appreciation, and when you reach it, it will pull you toward all things that you
consider to be good in a very powerful way."
Esther Hicks, is the author (with Jerry Hicks) of Getting Into the Vortex.
Tool Card in Action

I loved this card because it allowed me to remind Mike how much it means to me to
hear admiration. I loved seeing his list of things he admires about me. Also, it was a
good reminder to me of how much I admire about Mike.
After hearing what Mike appreciated, I was more willing to work on what he sees as
my faults. For example, it bothers Mike that I don’t hang my keys on the hook. The
funny part of this is that I bought the hook and insisted that Mike hang it even though
he didn’t believe I would use it. Since using this tool card I feel less defensive about my
faults and am making a strong effort to correct them. After two days Mike made a joke
that his keys aren’t so lonely on the hook any more.
Mike liked this card because he could hear what I want without feeling criticized.
He commented that even though he knows this stuff, it is nice to be reminded by
discussing these tool cards. He even wants to hang our appreciation lists on the
refrigerator as a visual reminder.
The most powerful thing was that this card led to a much deeper conversation about
Mike wanting me to be more mindful because he loves me and worries about me. I
hadn’t heard this message before. All I heard was his annoyance and frustration. I felt I
was constantly letting him down. We both felt much closer after discussing this card
and are looking forward to the next one.
Curiosity Questions
Notice the physiology of what happens when you receive a command. Do you feel
your body tense? Do you notice how you want to resist?
Now notice what happens in your body when you are respectfully asked a question?
Do you feel more open? Do you notice that you feel more inclined to search for an
answer? Do you feel more cooperative?
! Couple Activity
1. Make a list of the things you tell your

partner to do—things that sound like
commands. Write them down.
2. Choose one from your list and write about

the last time it happened. What did each
of you do and say? What were you
thinking, feeling and deciding. Make a
guess about what your partner was
thinking feeling and deciding. What were
the results?
3. Now make a list of the things your partner

tells you to do—things that sound like
commands.
4. Choose one from your list and write about

the last time it happened. What did each
of you do and say? What were you
thinking, feeling and deciding. Make a
guess about what your partner was
thinking feeling and deciding. What were
the results?
5. Share and discuss what you learned from journalling.
6. For the next two weeks notice how often you tell instead of respectfully asking. Put a
dollar in a jar every time you tell instead of ask. How long do you think it will take
to have enough money in the jar for a luxury vacation?
7. Every time you tell think of how you could have asked a curiosity question so you’ll
be prepared for the future.
8. Journal about the results.

Tool Card in Action

We were both ready to start working on this card and I promised myself to have an
open and humble mind and heart while going through the process! Hank and I had a
good laugh while reading the card the first time! I was reading the instructions out loud
thinking, “This is going to be much harder for him as I don’t really use telling as much
as he does!” That’s when our 8-year-old son called us asking for one of us to come and
tuck him in bed. I turned to Hank and said, “I’ll go and put him in bed while you finish
cleaning up the kitchen!”
Hank looked at me with an ironic smile and said, “And would you consider what
you just said as telling or as asking, because it makes me feel pretty bad!?”
This card surprised us since, at first, we thought it was a rather simple one! We
discovered that we told much more than we thought (especially me using, “We need
to...,” as a way to tell my husband what I was expecting; which would make him feel
unimportant and told to!)
We found it very useful to make guesses about what our partner was thinking,
feeling and deciding. All our guesses were wrong and the sharing made us feel better
seen and more aware of each other’s perceptions.
The exercise helped us become more aware of how we communicate on a daily basis
on little matters can bring strong feelings of resentment, anger, lack of understanding.
Using questions helps us change those unwanted feelings into respect, cooperation and
a lot of laughter when we slip! Having such a tool, even if quite simple, felt very
empowering to us.
We are now in the process of practicing and filling up the jar! Fun!!! Following is
what we wrote in our journals.
List of things we tell to each other:
Trisha to Hank:
• “I would love a glass of wine!”

• “Lucas needs help with reading.”
• “I will put Lucas to bed while you finish the clean-up in the kitchen.”
• “We need to get our winter coats from the storage room.”
• “You should call your Mom.”
• “It’s your turn to do this.”
• “We need to change those light bulbs.”
Hank feels:
• Put down
• Not respected
• Being told
• “She doesn’t take my priorities into account.”
• “She ignores my needs.”
• “I am tempted to delay my respond or pretend I didn’t hear.”
Hank to Trisha:
• “Hang up the phone!”

• “Be careful!”
• “Hurry up!”
• “Put this away. I can’t stand seeing it in the hallway!”
• “You need to take care of such and such in the house”
Trisha feels:
It makes me feel annoyed, sometimes angry, not wanting to comply. I often end up
saying, “Why don’t you do it yourself!” “Give me a break” “I know what I am
supposed to do,” or, “Why me?” When I do what he tells me, I sometimes feel resentful.
Example:
Hank: “Hang up the phone now. We need to go!”

Trisha: Keeps talking, telling her friend that she needs to go.
Hank: Repeats louder: “Hang-up now!”
Trisha: “Yes!” and wrapping up the conversation. Hangs up
Trisha: “You are so impatient! I know what I am supposed to do. I was about to
hang up!”
Hank: “It’s always the same scenario. You could say the same thing in half the time!
You spend so much time on the phone!”
Trisha: “You can be so annoying!” and then gets silent.
Trisha Feeling/Thinking / Deciding
Feeling: Irritated. rushed.

Thinking: He doesn’t know that I really needed to place this call. We won’t be late; we
are always on time. He can be so rigid sometimes!
Deciding: Right now, I’ll hang up but I will not make any effort to be nice.
Guess about partner: Hank was probably irritated, worried to be late.
Hank: Feeling/Thinking/Deciding
Feeling: Unimportant’ I don’t really matter.

Thinking: I am not part of her priorities. She is not aware of my needs or the needs of
the situation.
Deciding: I will shout louder and make her feel how irritated I am.
Guess about partner:
She becomes aware that she has been on the phone for a long time. It makes her feel
stressed and she doesn’t really understand why I push her.
It took a while for Hank to imagine how I could feel. He would keep saying that I was just
unaware. We had a nice discussion around our differences.
What we learned from journaling:
Taking the time to journal was for us a way to slow down and think, to look at
things from a different perspective, to take the time for things we considered minor.
Sharing on very specific situations and analyzing them together was, for us, a great
learning experience.
• I realized that I often use, “We need to,” and it is perceived as telling by Hank.
Using a question brings up much better feelings for each of us: I feel more
cooperative and he feels more respected.
• We often leave those little matters unresolved even though they happen on a
daily basis and bring feelings such as irritation, feeling annoyed or unimportant.
We realized that by switching from telling to asking, those feelings could easily
be replaced by feelings of being respected, taken into account, cooperation.
Becoming aware of this at an experiential level was very useful to both of us.
Changing the way we communicate our needs really brings more smoothness to
our everyday life.
• Simple tools such as asking vs. telling make a big difference in the way we
communicate about our daily routines.
• We tell more than we think we do! We realized it is not something we reserve for
our kids! We are just not aware of it; and the funny part is that when we receive
an order, we get the feeling but we don’t always identify where it comes from!
Listening to each other’s list was fun and enlightening!
• We learned a lot when we took the time to make guesses about what our partner
was thinking, feeling and deciding. It is something that we will try to do more
often. Sharing our guesses was also interesting, as we don’t always guess right!
We both felt seen after doing this.
Trisha and Hank, Paris, France
Couple Meetings
Regular couple meetings could be the most important little thing (only 20 minutes a
week) you can do to keep your relationship vibrant, prevent little problems from getting
bigger, share values, focus on solutions to challenges, and communicate at deep levels
that help you feel heard, loved, and appreciated.
! Couple Activity
1. Find a day and time that you are willing

to meet weekly for at least 20 minutes.
2. Commit to making this the most

important date on your calendar.
3. Decide where you will keep your agenda

(a sheet of paper that is visible to both) so
you can write down things you would like
to discuss at your next couple meeting.
4. Start your meeting with appreciations.
5. Take the first topic. The person who put it

on the agenda can share why this topic is
important to him or her.
6. After a short discussion, brainstorm for solutions. Have fun by including some wild
and crazy ideas.
7. Now eliminate any suggestions that are not respectful, reasonable, or practical.
8. Choose the solution you can both agree to.
9. Try the solution for a week. If it doesn’t work, put it back on the agenda and try
again.
10. Plan a date. Get out your calendars and find a time for your next “date night.”
11. End the meeting by doing something together that you both enjoy.
12. Share and journal about what you learned from this activity.
Tool Card in Action

We started our couple meetings in December. We really enjoyed it because it was a
great opportunity to share our concerns with each other.
We first thought we had nothing to say. “Everything was perfect.” But once we used
the tool cards to give topics to think about, we had so much to say that we could not
stop! It is quite hard to keep our meeting weekly. And we miss it when we don’t do it.
" Couple meetings are special moments, where we take a step back, stop from the rush
of daily life, and reflect on our relationship. It is really a great opportunity to talk about
us. These kinds of moments are rare with three children.
Bernard thinks it is good time to share about the little things that bother us. It was a
little difficult at the first meeting to do so, but once we did it, it is easier. And then we
can think about solutions we can put in place to avoid these little things
The fact that we started family meetings first helps us a lot to run our couple
meetings. We are now used to giving compliments and appreciations, talking about
challenges, and finding solutions. (Our solution muscles keep growing.)
We use a notebook to write down appreciations, gratitudes, and solutions.
Nadine and Bernard, Paris, France
Tool Card in Action

The couples meeting was something my husband and I started right after we started
family meetings. We had always had a logistics meeting once a week, but switching to
starting with compliments, using an agenda for hot issues during the week was a
wonderful change. We value our weekly couples meeting highly.
Sarina
Limit Screen Time
When asked, “What is your top priority?” you might answer, “My family or my
partner.” If asked, “How do you spend the majority of your time away from work?”
you might answer, “In front of a screen.” Think about that.
! Couple Activity
1. How much time do you spend in a day

looking a screen? Include TV, computers,
games, cell phone apps. Write it down.
Include how you feel about it.
2. How much time do you think your

partner spends on screen time. Write it
down, including how you feel about it.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how much is screen

time interfering with your relationship?
4. Share what you have written with your

partner. Remember to listen when it is
your turn to listen. It is okay to validate
feelings, but not okay to defend, explain,
or criticize.
5. Take time to brainstorm solutions together. Be sure to record your ideas—including

a list of what you would like to do instead of being stuck in the habit of screen time.
6. Choose the solutions and activities you agree to, and come up with a plan for
supporting each other through the withdrawal period.
Comment: How difficult would it be for you to give up all screen time (TV, cell phones,
iPods, iPads, computers, video games) for a week? Your answer will let you know the
extent of your addiction.
Tool Card in Action

We spend about two hours each every day (not counting working hours) on screens.
Bernard feels guilty not to have time to read books. Nadine feels uncomfortable because
she asks the kids to limit their screen so much.
We each feel irritated when our partner is on an electronic device while it doesn’t
bother us to be on them. To realize that made us laugh! We had a great time! On a scale
of 1-10, we feel it interferes at level 7.
We decided not to have screen time in bed except for watching movies (we don’t
have TV). Wow, what a surprise, we have so much time to communicate about little
things in our lives; we feel like a new connection happens between us. Good thing we
have couple meetings so we can review how our commitment is going.
We thought that it would be just impossible to stop screen time for a week and we
wouldn’t like it! We need it for our work and we use it a lot in our lives as a tool. That is
how we found out about the Positive Discipline…on Facebook! We are certainly very
addicted!
Tool Card in Action

Penny and I had a quiet moment to ourselves this afternoon, and I suggested we do
one of the tool cards. We looked at the list and Screen Time leapt out at her! I was secretly
hoping for Flirting.
As a prelude, when I started working through it, Penny was busy tidying up the
lounge and wanting to load the dishwasher. I said, “Honey, this is supposed to be a
couple exercise,” to which she replied, “I can do both, can't I?” We both laughed at that
absurd female trait to want to multitask at every opportunity!
Anyway, after the exercise, we both reflected on how having a tool card to work
through actually made what is normally a hot topic for us, surprisingly easier to work
through. Interestingly Penny wants more screen time (she currently does one hour a
day, compared to my four to five hours) but not at the expense of the children, so she
will do some in the mornings when our youngest starts school. I of course need to scale
back, and know how hypocritical it is of me to expect my children to be mindful of their
screen time and I'm quite often 'checking emails' on the laptop. I especially want to
resist the urge/addiction to check my emails every five minutes. Makes me sound so
desperate to know what people think of me! Food for thought. Lastly, of course, and
Jane you must not judge me too harshly, but Penny's carrot to stop me watching too
much TV at night is the old more sex chestnut. The official cut off time has been set at
9:00 PM. I know who is going to win that one!
Bart and Penny Sydney, Australia
Understanding the Brain
Too often we judge ourselves and each other for the way we behave when we are
upset or angry. Positive Time-Out (next card) provides a way to calm down (self-soothe)
so you can “act” from your heart instead of “reacting” from your midbrain.
! Couple Activity
1. Go to YouTube.com and search for “Dr.

Daniel Siegel presents a hand model of the
brain.” Or Click Here.
2. First journal about and then share with

each other a time when you behaved from
your midbrain (flipped lid) mentality. (3
minutes each)
3. Now share an idea about how you might

handle the same situation if you were
behaving from your rational brain and
your loving heart. (3 minutes each) Of
course you can’t do this when you are in a
flipped lid state, but it may help to
practice how the aware you would behave.
5. Be sure to follow this activity with the Positive Time-Out card and activity.
Tool Card in Action

What we learned: I seem to do the lid-flipping in our relationship. Frank goes to his
man-cave (aka garage) before he gets to the lid-flipping point.
Before: We are already familiar with this concept from a past Positive Discipline class.
It has made a very positive difference in our family life.
After: Serves as a great reminder to take care of ourselves so we don't get to the lid-
flipping point. I love the acronym HALT (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired) to remind me to
do better self-care when I have 2 or more of these happening at the same time.
Positive Time Out
When you understand the brain, you will appreciate the importance of having and
using self-soothing methods during times of conflict (although living on separate coasts
is a little extreme).
! Couple Activity
1. Refer to the “Understand the Brain” tool

card.
2. Journal about what helps you calm down

and feel better? (A bath or shower, read a
book, meditate, go for a walk, take deep
breaths, cooking, gardening?)
3. Take turns sharing what each of you will

do to take time-out when you are feeling
upset and need to calm down.
4. Emphasize that taking positive time-out is

for you, not against your partner.
5. Share and then journal about what you

have learned from this activity.
Tool Card in Action

During a therapy session, Kate and John both agreed that when they lose their cool
or flip their lids they say things they don't mean. They've even gone as far as to say the
"D" word (Divorce).
During a calm time the couple both agreed that they don't walk their three dogs
enough. John said that he knows they need to be walked, but that its too difficult to
walk them all at the same time because their leashes get tangled up and it's too stressful.
Kate said, I'd like to take walks with John because at least they could talk and spend
quality time together. They agreed that the next time they got upset with each other,
they would each take a dog for a walk around the block one at a time. The first time
around would be with no words, simply a cooling off lap. The second dog and time
around would be just holding hands and still no talking. For the final dog, they would
go around the block as many times as they needed until they could focus on a solution
and and solve the problem calmly.
John and Kate both loved the idea. Kate said, "I'm actually looking forward to our
next fight. Not only does taking a positive time out save us from saying hurtful things
to one another, but it also adds the bonus of spending quality time together by doing
things we both love."
John and Kate also acknowledged that by walking around their neighborhood to
problem solve, they were forced to stay calm and speak quietly so their neighbors
couldn't hear them arguing.
Not only does this tool card teach us that when we feel better we do much better; it
reminds us to practice connecting before correcting.
Tool Card in Action

Jessica shared that she used to get angry and give her husband the silent treatment.
He could feel her angry energy, but knew it would only make things worse if he tried to
talk with her during this time.
After learning about the brain and the importance of taking some positive time-out
until she felt better, she would still get silent—sitting quietly. Her husband said her
energy felt peaceful instead of angry.
When Jessica felt better she found that she could take responsibility for her part in
whatever had invited her to feel angry—instead of blaming her husband. He then felt
like following her lead and taking responsibility for his part. Then they could both
laugh and focus on a solution that felt good to both of them.
Tool Card in Action

Before: Occasionally, I remember to take a Positive Time-Out on my own, instead of
Frank kindly suggesting it when I'm upset with our daughter.
After: Because of this card, I discussed a plan with Frank about what I will do when
I need a Positive Time-Out. One of my issues was feeling guilty about taking a Positive
Time-Out because I thought I was throwing the responsibility of dealing with our
daughter onto him when I was involved in a conflict with her. Now, I realize we all
could use a lifeline or a phone a friend, when we're upset, to help us get back to rationally
dealing with things. Frank assures me he is willing to step in, too, because it would be
helpful.
Mistakes
What were you taught about mistakes during your childhood? Any of these ideas:
“Mistakes are bad? You shouldn’t make mistakes. You are stupid, bad, inadequate, or a
failure if you make mistakes. If you make a mistake don’t let people find out. If they do,
make up an excuse even if it isn’t true.”
When you learn to be more forgiving of your own mistakes, and see them as
opportunities to learn, you will also be more forgiving of the mistakes made by your
partner.
! Couple Activity
1. What were the messages you heard or

believed about mistakes when you were a
child? Write them down.
2. What did you think and feel about making

mistakes? What did you decide about
yourself regarding mistakes and what to
do if you made a mistake, or to avoid
making mistakes? Write it down.
3. What do you know (as an adult) is the

truth about mistakes? Write it down.
4. Make a new decision about yourself

regarding mistakes and what you will do
if you make a mistake. Write it down.
5. When you are compassionate towards
yourself regarding mistakes, how will that
affect how you feel about the mistakes
made by your partner? Make a guess and
write it down.
6. Share with your partner what you have learned from doing this activity.
Comment: Sometimes mistakes require that you make amends where possible, and at
least apologize when amends are not possible. Anyone can make mistakes, but it takes a
secure person to say, “I was wrong and I’m sorry.” (See Make Amends and
Responsibility cards.)
Tool Card in Action

What we learned: Listen. As hard as it is, try not to be judgmental.
Before doing this activity: We were both big advice givers. We listened and were
ready to jump in with advice on how to fix the mistake (whether the advice was
solicited or not).
After: We plan to work on listening first. If the other person doesn't ask for advice or
help, we can still ask if they need something more from us. If not, we need to respect
their answer and let them work it out for themselves.
Becky and Frank California
Tool Card in Action

Kristin and Dave are both professionals with grown children. They have been
married for 18 years and were each married very young to other partners before
meeting each other in their 30’s. Together they raised their children using the Positive
Discipline philosophy (most of the time). However, like many busy couples they
sometimes found it challenging to apply these great Adlerian based tools to their own
marriage. They decided to use the Positive Discipline tool cards to see if these principles
would be helpful in their marriage. They chose to read a new card every few days and
discuss the tool for 10 – 15 minutes. Here’s their story:
Kristin had a bad cold and had been up several nights in a row with a cough. Dave
was exhausted from several very busy days at work. When Kristin got up in the middle
of the night to get a drink and something to eat, she forgot to close the bedroom door
(they had a previous agreement to close the door during the night when one or the
other had to get up for any reason, as the noise from downstairs traveled easily to their
bedroom). When Dave came downstairs to let Kristin know she had left the door open,
he didn’t get much response from his exhausted wife, so he decided to take matters into
his own hands. Dave believed that Kristin was just too sick to be thinking clearly, and he
must decide what she should do. In an angry tone he ordered Kristin to take the day off
from work so she could get some rest and get over this lingering cold. He felt he was
taking charge of an out-of-control situation. (See the Curiosity Questions card.) A heated
exchange ensued.
The next evening Dave and Kristin randomly chose a card from the deck. Mistakes.
Although Kristin believed that Dave was at fault in the previous night’s argument, and
still felt a little hurt from his bossy behavior, Kristin decided to take responsibility for her
part in the argument and apologize to Dave for leaving the bedroom door open in the
middle of the night. She used the tool of Validating Feelings to acknowledge his
feelings over his worry about not getting enough sleep before another stressful day at
work. When she was not so upset from her defensiveness about being told what to do,
she was able to see that Dave was actually concerned for her health and wanted her to
be able to rest and get better. As the conversation progressed, she began to see him less
as the boss and more as the loving husband she knew him to be.
Dave was then able to realize his mistake and decided that instead of ordering Kristin
to take the following day off work and insisting that he knew best, he could have let her
know how worried he was about her health. He also felt he might have showed more
empathy for her lingering cold by acknowledging how it felt to be sick for so long.
Once Dave validated Kristin’s feelings and expressed his own, he realized it might have
been more appropriate to use Curiosity Questions to help Kristin explore options to
solving her own problem. He asked Kristin if it would have felt better to have asked if
she thought it would be helpful to take a few days off work. This talk reminded Dave
that he didn’t always need to be in control, and that Kristin was very capable of making
her own decisions with his loving support.
Once Dave and Kristin were calm they were able to see their part in contributing to
the argument, and take responsibility. They were each able to share what they might do
differently next time.
Dave and Kristin felt much more connected, loving and forgiving after each had
taken responsibility for their part in the argument instead of trying to be right and make
the other person pay. It gave them both an opportunity to see the argument from each
other’s perspective and separate realities.
Special Time
During courtship, spending time with your beloved is top priority. Too often you
may allow your marriage to suffer while you make other things (such as TV, the kids,
hobbies, or work) your priority. Of course these other interests are important (especially
the kids), but they will all be more enjoyable when you have joy in your marriage. Even
kids feel safer and happier when your marriage comes first and they come a very close
second.
! Couple Activity
1. Separately create a list of how you would

like to spend special time with your
partner.
2. Get together and share your lists. How

many of your items are the same?
3. Brainstorm together on some other things

(that may not be on either list) you would
like to do together.
4. Now divide this list into two categories: 1)

Routinely, and 2) Bucket List. Under
Routinely, list all the things you like to do
together on a regular basis. Under the
Bucket List, write down all the big things
you would like to do at least once.
5. Get out your calendars and schedule routine special time together. Make this a final
part of your regular couples meeting every week.
6. Spend some time planning about your next Bucket List adventure.
7. Journal about the difference this activity creates in your relationship, and then share
with each other.
Tool Card in Action

This tool card was definitely one of the most fun and exciting to do! One of the
reasons it was so exciting was that Mike was extremely enthusiastic. He often tells me,
"I wish we had more time together." I, of course, always agree, but have so many
excuses for things that need to be done that sometimes weeks and even months go by
without us having a date or any special time together.
A year ago we agreed to meet for lunch every Friday while the boys were in school.
We decided that it could be our date day, even if it meant just running errands together.
These Fridays were great and were the most important appointment on the schedule,
until we had our 3rd baby. We needed to ask Grandma to babysit, or would eat lunch
while our baby napped in his stroller. Sometimes it just seemed like too much trouble.
By going over this tool card, we were able to re-appreciate the time we had and to
focus and plan our future time together. We both agreed that we noticed how our
relationship felt a little off and like less of a priority when we weren't meeting for our
special time.
When we made our Fun Things To Do lists, I was surprised that Mike listed a
pottery class and a cooking class. (I would have put these things on my list had I
thought he'd actually do it). I was also surprised by his willingness to enthusiastically
commit to yoga and a picnic that was on my list. Even more surprising was when he
asked me to get out our calendars and pick dates for the fun things we had listed.
The last thing we talked about was the special time and memories we would create
for our family. Sunday has always been our family day and it usually involves going
somewhere. We both decided that we would rotate our Sundays between going places
twice a month, having friends over once a month, and working on household chores the
final week.
Once again, this tool card brought so much more than a chance to talk about special
time. It gave us the chance to plan and communicate other important expectations and
ideas in a non-defensive and loving atmosphere.
Have Faith
You may hurt each other when you take something the wrong way, or say
something in the wrong tone of voice. Have faith in who you (and your partner) really
are when not coming from the fight/flight part of your brains. With this knowledge you
can offer compassion and encouragement to each other instead of getting hooked into
your own reptilian brain. Your partner can be your greatest teacher if (instead of
reacting) you come from your heart and ask for clarification.
! Couple Activity
1. Think of the last time your partner hurt

your feelings. Write it down.
2. Do you believe your partner meant to hurt

you, or, is it possible that you took it the
wrong way?
3. Is it possible that you did something to

hurt your partner that invited
defensiveness or retaliation?
4. How might you respond (as opposed to

react) when you remember to have faith in
your partner, and yourself, and in your
love for each other?
5. One possibility is to check it out: “Did you

mean to hurt me? Did I do something that
hurt you?”
6. Listen without explaining or defending.
7. Share and journal about what you have learned from this activity.
Tool Card in Action

When Jeanette described her husband, Brad, you would think he was a perfect man.
According to Jeanette, Brad was dependable, loving, supportive, and romantic.
However, in private he occasionally said things that hurt Jeanette’s feelings. Jeanette
would react and say something hurtful right back. At these times she didn’t think he
was so wonderful. She was too busy nursing her hurt feelings.
This card was a huge wakeup call for Jeanette. She realized that she did forget (lose
faith) in whom Brad really is when her feelings got hurt. The next time he hurt her
feelings she said, “That hurt my feelings; is that what you meant to do?”
Brad looked genuinely surprised and said, “No. I don’t want to hurt your feelings,
but I can understand why what I said hurt you.”
Jeanette followed, by saying, “I think I know what I did that may have hurt your
feelings and invited you to strike back. Did you feel hurt when I criticized your driving?”
Brad realized it did hurt his feelings, and was just waiting for a chance to get back; a
chance to make her feel wrong the way he felt.
After this discussion they both decided they would have more faith in each other
and would take more responsibility for their actions and reactions. This created a spiral
of focusing on what they loved about each other.
Share Expectations
Do you get upset when your partner can’t read your mind? Are you ready to
acknowledge how ridiculous this is? Instead of punishing your partner for not knowing
what you want, tell him or her. Remember that the feeling behind what you say is more
important than what you say. Make sure your tone of voice is respectful and loving of
yourself and your partner.
! Couple Activity
1. Think of an expectation that has caused

you resentment because you wanted your
partner to read your mind. Write it down.
2. Are you willing to give up the idea that

your partner should know what you want
—that you shouldn’t have to ask?
3. Journal about how you might ask for what

you want instead of expecting mind
reading. Writing it down will help prepare
you for a new behavior.
4. Share what you have written so far with

each other and take turns practicing the
art of asking for what you would like.
5. It is unlikely, but be willing to accept that

your partner does not want to give you
want you want. He or she may be willing
but may find it difficult to remember
when what you want is not important for
him or her to receive.
6. Agree to give and accept reminders graciously because you know that what you
want may not be on your partner’s top list of priorities.
7. Make a commitment to give your partner what he or she wants as often as you can.
Tool Card in Action

It was hilarious. Penny and I were on a date night and decided to take some of these
tool cards to do over dinner (how dedicated is that?). Anyway, we decided to go to a
relatively unknown part of town and choose a suitable place for a drink & dinner. After
walking for a time, we ended up in a bar, but it was very crowded and I suggested
finding a quieter one. So we doubled back and found one with tables inside as opposed
to outside facing the harbor. So Penny was disappointed when we sat down to start
doing Share Expectations, and we burst out laughing when we read the first point: Do
not expect your partner to read your mind? I guess after 15 years together, there is a
certain expectation that each will do just that, which of course is dangerous and subject
to just the incident above. If Penny had said to me, 'Honey, I really want to be outside,”
then I would have never suggested the 2nd choice bar.
We had an interesting discussion about reminders. I tend to get defensive when
Penny reminds me about a certain agreements, etc. I'm sure it taps into my inner critic!
Anyway, I wouldn't change anything, as the instructions on the card are fine. It’s just me
that needs to get over it!
Male/Female Brains
Men often take things literally and say what they mean, except when they get into
their men are supposed to protect women mentality and don’t want to tell her what is going
on so she won’t have to be upset. Women often think men should know what they want
(see the Share Expectations Card): “If he really loved me he would know.” (Of course,
these roles can be reversed.) This tool card can help you rise above cultural stereotypes,
hormones, and other excuses that keep your from being respectful to your partner and
yourself.
! Couple Activity
1. Does it make sense to think it is impolite

to make a direct request, and believe your
partner should know what you really
mean? Is it respectful to withhold
information to protect your partner from
worry or stress, instead of having faith in
him or her to deal with his or feelings?
2. Journal about some times you expected

mind reading or thought you should be
protective, and/or when you partner did
one of these to you. Write about how you
felt about being on the receiving end of
the mind reading game or the over
protection game.
3. When you understand different ways men and woman may process information and
communication, what changes would you be willing to make to improve your
relationship? Hint: Tell him what you want. Tell her what is going on and let her
have her feelings.
4. Share what you learned from journaling and discuss what changes you are willing to
make based on your new understanding.
Tool Card in Action

Tessa and Brandon made a date to start working on these tool cards. They got the
kids in bed, showered, got ready for bed, and sat down with their blank sheets of paper
for note taking and journaling.
Brandon asked, “How long to you think this will take?”
Tessa became furious. She grabbed his piece of paper and crumpled it with hers and
threw them in the waste basket while yelling. “What difference does it make? If our
marriage isn’t important enough to you to take whatever time it takes, then forget the
whole thing.”
Brandon was stunned. “I didn’t mean I didn’t want to take as much time as it would
take. I just wondered how long it might take.”
Tessa could not accept his explanation. She was sure he didn’t care enough about her
or their marriage. So they stopped working with the cards—for six months, when Tessa
was able to laugh at herself, share this story, and start again.
Tessa and Brandon, Jackson, MS
I Notice
If you have a habit of nagging, how is it working for you? Does nagging help you
feel better? Does nagging change your partner? Do you like yourself when you are
nagging? Are you willing to do something that might be more effective?
! Couple Activity
1. Journal about a time you felt annoyed and
nagged at your partner about something
you wanted him or her to change.
2. Include the results. Make a guess about

what your partner felt. Did your partner
change? How does nagging make you
feel?
3. Think about how you could change your

nagging to an, “I notice,” statement,
emphasizing a nonjudgmental tone of
voice. Write it down.
4. Practice with your partner. First apologize

for your past behavior. Then practice a
new way of sharing what you notice in a
non-judgmental tone of voice. (This has
been emphasized twice because it is so
important.)
5. Ask your partner to give you feedback on how kindly saying what you notice would
work for him or her. (See Nonverbal Signals and Focus on Solutions.)
6. Discuss together what you learned from this activity?
7. Journal about what you learned.
Tool Card in Action

What we learned: Using, "I Notice," with a nonjudgmental tone of voice is very
effective. The person receiving the, "I Notice," is less apt to become defensive and is
often more willing to help out with the situation mentioned.
Before using this activity, Becky had mentioned to Frank several times that one of
the sinks in the bathroom was clogged and needed to be cleaned. By the 2nd and 3rd
mentioning, her tone became judgmental and not happy.
After: Becky decided to use an, "I Notice," statement when she next talked with
Frank about the sink. She spoke in a nonjudgmental way about the sink by saying, "I
notice that the sink is still clogged." He then apologized about not taking care of it
sooner, saying it was a messy and smelly job and that's why he was kind of putting it
off. Becky and Frank were then able to have a productive discussion and make an
agreement on how to keep the sink from becoming clogged again so soon in the future.
Frank cleaned out the sink.
Non-Verbal Signals
What are the nonverbal messages of the couple in the cartoon? Are you aware of
your nonverbal signals? Keep romance alive by creating your own love language with
nonverbal signals.
! Couple Activity
1. Discuss the nonverbal signals of the

cartoon couple. Then discuss what kind of
nonverbal signals or messages you send to
each other; and/or what nonverbal signals
you receive from each other—intended or
not.
2. Think of some conflict patterns. (Everyone

has them because you chose a partner
who provides practice for you to deal with
your childhood issues.) Write them down.
3. Have fun thinking of nonverbal signals

that would deal with the conflict while
conveying a message of love at the same
time. Agree on the one you both like and
write it down next to the conflict.
4. Think of at least one nonverbal signal that has nothing to do with conflict—just your
own special way of saying, “I love you,” without words.
5. Share with each other what you have learned from this activity.
6. Journal to enhance your experience.
Tool Card in Action

This cartoon couple has obviously given up on physical appearance being important in
their relationship! They are taking each other for granted, and are dressing for comfort rather
than for any romance appeal! They are operating on the principle that once they’ve snared their
mate, that’s all there is! Once you’re married you can let your guard down, and they don’t care
enough to look good even in public together!
Gary and I think that shows a lack of respect for each other. We’ve been married a long time,
and we still come to the breakfast table with hair combed (Mary anyway!), at the very least! It’s
OK to let your hair down once in a while, but physical appearance is a strong indicator to how
one feels about self, let alone the spouse!
Conflict Patterns: Being married for 45 years has its’ advantages. Our conflict patterns have
been modified a lot just by living together and working through them. It’s mostly when we get
sloppy or stressed out that we notice them creeping in again. BUT, there is one thing that we agree
is a doozey, because of our opposite temperaments and personality styles presents itself
regularly!
#1 CONFLICT PATTERN WORK STYLES
Mary tends to want to get things done before she even says we need to do them! Gary is
comfortable getting them done in good time.
Mary works on several projects at one time, or several elements of a mutual project. Gary
prefers to work on one thing from start to finish.
Mary takes on more than she should (her words!). Gary takes on less than he can. (his
words!)
Nonverbal Signals that could deal with the conflict:

Gary: tap his watch (tells me that we only have so much time to get something done); get up
and leave to do something else when Mary loses focus, clear his throat to say, “focus”
Mary: leave the room and go to the computer and hope he follows, pick up the book/study
we are facilitating and wave it and then get up to go work on it, clearing the desk of any other
projects; make a list of all the things I do in a week and decide which to eliminate
We chose this one because we think it will help us focus on 1 thing at a time. It wouldn’t hurt
for Mary to also clear the desk before we start working. J
Other Nonverbal Signals:

This is fun. We noticed that we do several things already that we want to continue. One
thing Gary does for Mary that shows that he cares about her and loves her is to position the car
when parking so that Mary doesn’t have to get out on the ice. He, goes in front of Mary on
stairs, takes an elevator rather than an escalator if we have luggage, watches for uneven spots in
sidewalks or when walking outdoors, takes things downstairs for Mary so she can have her
hands free to go down our stairs—all this because of Mary’s knee replacements.
We hold hands in church, or almost anywhere!
We wink across a room when we are in a class
Since knowing we are to do this card, we have noticed that our facial expressions
communicate a lot across a room and we are usually correct in interpretation (as we checked
them out). Last week Mary wanted to leave a party. Mary caught Gary looking at her and Mary
just nodded. We both got up to leave!
We want to notice some more of our non-verbals and what they say to us … so we will
journal this for a week to see what else we find.
Mary and Gary, Nebraska
Growing Together
You don’t have to be the same to be happy together. (See Differences Card)
However, your relationship will be enhanced if you grow together in areas of mutual
interest, while supporting each others individual growth.
! Couple Activity
1. What are your goals for personal growth?

Write them down.
2. How well do you know your partner’s

goals? Write them down
3. Find time to share your goals and ask how

you can support each other.
4. After journaling about these questions,

share what you learned about yourself
and how growing together can bring more
joy into your relationship.
5. Now go a little deeper. Do you tend to be

critical about changes you think your
partner should make instead of focusing
on how you could improve? If the answer
is “Yes,” journal about how this helps or
hurts your relationship and your personal
growth?
6. Make a commitment to one change you are willing to make that will enhance your
personal growth and bring more joy to your relationship.
Tool Card in Action

The first thing we did as we began this tool card was define for each other what
personal growth meant to us and we came up with becoming our best selves over time.
We created our lists of our own goals and what we thought our partner’s goals were.
We found that we have many similar goals and that we are mostly aware of what each
other’s goals are as well.
The next step was to focus on our own goals and to journal about what we were
doing or could be doing to progress toward these goals. We both felt that this part of the
activity was beneficial. Focusing on our own progress and plans to work toward goals
was refreshing…in a way that made it feel OK to be selfish. So much of relationships and
family involves others and working together and planning together. In this activity we
looked at our individual goals and our individual process in a way that made it
comfortable and respectful to focus on personal growth.
Notes about what were learned about ourselves through this activity
Heather: I am learning that many of my goals are not new and they are goals that
tend to cycle back into my life constantly. Many of my goals have a significant impact
on how I show up in the world. I have ideas and knowledge about how to follow
through with these goals but don’t seem to be able to reach them. Brainstorming what I
am doing and could be doing was helpful in this case. The things that could help me
step into my best self will also help me be a better wife, mother, friend and family
member. I also learned that I share many goals with Jason so I am excited to focus on
how we can support each other on those goals.
Jason: I am learning that as I am getting older I need to plan more. I feel better when
I plan and have structure, and that flying by the seat of my pants isn’t really working
for me anymore…or it’s not getting me to where I would like to be. I feel happier when
I have structure and plans. I also notice that many of my personal growth goals revolve
around living longer and having more time with the people I love most in the world. I
want to be a provider and balance the stress while helping and spending more time
with my family.
Eye to Eye
If the woman in the cartoon took the time to sit down and look her husband in the
eye, could she use such a blatantly ridiculous excuse? What is your excuse for avoiding
eye contact?
! Couple Activity
1. Do you ever yell at your partner from

across the room—or even another room?
2. What are your excuses for avoiding eye

contact with your partner before
speaking? Write them down.
3. How much time and effort would it take

to stand or sit eye to eye before speaking
to your partner? Writing down the
amount of time it might take will deepen
your awareness.
4. Now for the hard question. Do you love

your partner enough to give up your
excuses and take the time and action
necessary to treat your partner more
respectfully?
5. Will you make a commitment to make eye contact before communicating?
6. Share with each other what you have learned from this activity.
7. Assuming you have made a commitment to look into your partner’s eyes before
speaking, journal about the results in your relationship after you have kept your
commitment for a week, and again for a month.
Tool Card in Action

Jane and Barry (now in their seventies) are experiencing greatly diminished hearing.
Yelling across the room no longer works. They laugh at how long it took for them to
learn how nice it is to take the time to look into each other’s eyes before speaking.
Tool Card in Action
So often communication, especially between new parents, goes into that data
exchange—who fed the baby, when does he need to be changed, who's cooking.
Goodbyes and Hellos are big for the babies and then kids, but parents often barely
acknowledge those moments. Amazing connection builds when we look at each other!
Sarina
Pay Attention
It is common to put your partner at the top of your pay attention list during
courtship and then near the bottom of your attention list when the honeymoon is over.
Why is this? Instead of trying to solve this mystery, just make a commitment to keep
your partner at the top of your attention list.
! Couple Activity
1. Answer the following questions 2-5

separately in your journal.
2. How high on your Pay Attention list is

your partner? Write down a number
between 0-10 (with 10 being the highest).
The rating depends on the time you spend
paying attention to your partner, not on
your good intentions.
3. What are you paying more attention to?

List each activity or person followed by a
rating between 1-10.
4. How do you feel about your ratings?
5. How high does your partner put you on

his or her Pay Attention list? Write down a
number between 0-10 (with 10 being the
highest). Include how you feel about this?
6. What is your partner paying more attention to? List each activity or person followed
by a number between 1-10. How do you feel about this?
7. Take turns sharing with each other what you have learned from this activity. The
partner who listens is to do so without defensiveness—just interest in what the other
thinks and feels.
8. Decide together what you will do in the future regarding paying attention.

Tool Card in Action

This was an activity that confirmed what we already knew, that both of us put other
things and people higher up on the list than we do each other. Sometimes there are
reasons for that – life is busy, things come up, etc. but some of it is just bad habits and
discouragement that have snuck up on us. Dave was surprised by how aware we
actually are. Our scores were not news.
I was surprised by a parallel between not paying enough attention in our
relationship, and another thing I say is important to me (spirituality), but which also
gets a lower rank when I objectively examine it vis a vis time you spend paying attention
(to your partner), not just your good intentions.”
In discussing what to do in the future, we asked each other, “How would it look if I
were paying more attention to you?”
Kristin: I said that would mean I would feel that my thoughts and feelings were
important to him.
Dave: I would know you were paying more attention by noticing if and when I was
choosing to connect with me, instead of avoiding or letting me be distracted. Another
way would be if you raised the tough issues for discussion.
I asked for feedback so I would know if I was doing things that would be important
for him. I came up with the game of Marco Polo as a metaphor, where you know you
are getting close to tagging another player because when you call “Marco”, they say
“Polo”, so you can tell if you’re closer or farther from them. We decided he would
simply say “warmer” or “colder” whenever I do something that makes him feel like I’m
paying more attention to him (or less). I can do the same, and this is one way we can
give neutral, honest feedback in the moment, even if we aren’t going to have a big
discussion about it.
Like anything new, we have to work at remembering to do it! It has been useful a
couple of times, and helped us get back on track instead of going down an unhelpful
path together.
Kristin and Dave, California
Tool Card in Action

What we found to be the most interesting about this tool card was how different our
perceptions were. When I asked Mike on a scale from 1-10 how he would rate how
much he paid attention to me, he gave himself a 7. I had given him a 4. We were both
surprised. He thought he was doing pretty good at paying attention, especially since we
have three small boys under the age of six, and that we're working three jobs between
the two of us.
When I asked him how he would rate me, he also gave me a 7, but said that was
totally fine with him. He said, "I know it isn't realistic to be higher then that considering
our life."
I asked him if he'd be willing to try to get my scale of him up to a 7? He laughed
because he thought he was already there. Still, he was willing so I gave him a few
examples of how I would like him to pay attention.
1. When I come home from work, ask me how my day was (even though we've
already agreed that I won't give him specific details).
2. Be in the kitchen with me instead of on the couch. (I do this with him and get
disappointed when he doesn't naturally do it with me). Mike shared that he's so
physically and mentally drained from watching all the boys for 5+ hours while I’m
working, that by the time I walk in the door he completely clocks out/checks out.
3. We agreed to talk first by sharing each of our high and low points of the day
before the TV goes on. (Already this has opened up a lot more connecting and
conversation). I've been reminded again that timing is such a huge factor with these
tools, as well as our perceptions and communicating.
This tool led us back to a few of the other tools that we had already worked on such
as special time, couples meetings and admiration and compliments. I feel that he pays
attention when we do all of the above.
4. We agreed to make sure our Friday lunches were the most important meeting on
our schedule.
Overall, I appreciated the dialogue this opened and, once again, I'm feeling more
connected to my husband. I love these tool cards.
Money Matters
Many couples do not take time to talk about money before they get married and
later learn that they have different values that create conflict. Many haven’t even
thought about their own values and use magical thinking about money—not realizing
the trouble they can get into when they don’t think about the consequences of their
choices.
! Couple Activity
1. Journal about how your parents used

money? What did you learn from their
example?
2. Create a motto about how you feel about

money based on your childhood
experiences. Examples:
a. “Don’t spend more than you earn.”
b. “Spend what you have now and worry

later about how to get more.”
c. “Save some, spend some, give some.”
4. How is the motto from you childhood

serving you and your relationship? If it
isn’t serving you, what would you like
your motto to be?
5. Take turns sharing what you have written so far—just listening to each other for
now.
6. Now time travel to the present. Journal about your current values and goals about
money. Be sure to include the benefits and the problems you experience based on
your values and goals—or lack thereof. Then journal about what you would like to
change. What values and goals do you think would enhance your life and your
relationship.
7. Share again, first just listening. Then move into brainstorming for solutions that
work for both of you
Tool Card in Action:

What we learned is that our money perceptions are deeply rooted from childhood
and our reactions come from those perceptions.
We both grew up where money was tight, where our families couldn't and didn’t
spend money on frivolous things like vacations, new things, luxuries, etc. What is
interesting is that we both deal with it differently. Robert felt deprived of things as a
child and so he wants nice things to feel successful. However, when he buys something
for himself, he feels guilty. He can also feel angry if he feels like someone is trying to
control his purchases or his money. He also learned to get protective over his wants and
digs in to fight for them.
Doris learned to appreciate what she had and didn't ask for nicer things. Good
enough was really good enough. As a kid, when she was faced with wanting something
there was no money for, she would try to come up with a creative solution to get
something or make something comparable.
RESULT: Just today, we were talking about Robert's car needing repairs. We
discussed the cost, age of the car, etc. Robert was thinking,"Hmm maybe it is time to get
a newer car." Doris was sharing out loud about a creative solution: “Our son will be
going off to college in a few months, and Robert could use his car for a while.” Doris
sensed frustration or anger from Robert and did not understand his reaction.
Doris: "What a clever solution!"
Robert: "She is trying to control my money and my purchases!"
We did the Money Tool Card Activity and it brought so much awareness to both of
us. We have been a couple for over 20 years and learned so much about each other's
childhood perception of money and why we behave and feel the way we do! It shed so
much light on our car conversation earlier in the day!
We also discovered a lot of guilt is associated with our money because we were
constantly told to do without as children, so when we buy something for ourselves we
feel guilty. Our values and our goals are similar but Robert holds fear and stresses about
not having enough.
We decided to take the actions of:
A. Thanking God for what we have.
B. Consciously appreciating our lives.
C. Work on a Budget and save more.
D. Teach our kids on how to handle money better.
Robert and Doris, Arizona
Tool Card in Action

Bernard’s parents don’t count money; they spend day to day and they don’t plan a
budget. Pleasure before wisdom; they are impulsive. They don’t have debts, they
always manage.
Motto: Spend now, we’ll manage. The benefit is being spontaneous and add spice in
life; which we both like.
He feels anxious because he doesn’t know what tomorrow will be and he would like
to change the motto for: Spend if you can.
Nadine’s mother can be very careful about her money or very generous. And she is
fearful to lack money. Never spend more then you have and keep a prudent reserve at
all times.
Motto: Don’t spend more then what you have. The benefit is I don’t spend too much
to feel secure.
I feel anxious because I don’t know how much I have. I would like to be able to say I
know how much I can spend. However I like the fun of having something unplanned.
We decided to go over all our expenses and know exactly what we need to budget
every month, what is left for extras, and where we can save.
Bernard feels better about that, Nadine feels better but still anxious because the plan
didn’t take into account some expenses. It’s a work in process and we need to talk about
it regularly in our couple meeting.
This tool card helped us point how we each function and it helps to a deeper
understanding of ourselves and our relationship.
Natural Consequences
Natural consequences happen as a result of choices you make. If you forget your
coat, you get cold. If you don’t get enough sleep, you may be tired the next day. If you
don’t look at a map or ask for directions, you might get lost. If you insert the wrong
dentures, your mouth hurts.
! Couple Activity:
1. Journal about what you feel and what you

do when your partner makes a choice that
results in a negative consequence? Are
you quick with, “I told you so,” or do you
show empathy (or just keep your mouth
shut)?
2. What does your partner do when you

make a choice that results in negative
consequence? How do you feel and what
do you do? Write it down.
3. Share and discuss what you have written.

Include how you feel about the way you
respond to each other.
4. Share with each other what kind of response you would appreciate when you make
a choice that doesn’t turn out so well.
5. Journal about what you learned from this activity and what you plan to do in the
future.
Tool Card in Action
I have been an "I told you so" wife for 18 years. I thought it was a part of the wife's
job description to point out the result of my husbands' poor decision making—not
realizing how terrible it made us both feel. Letting the mistake play itself out was not an
option in my mind because I would be too busy making sure he knew exactly how I felt
about what went wrong.
I now know that it wasn't helpful to him when I would point it out; and it certainly
didn't help solve the problem. No surprise that when I made a mistake he was just as
quick to judge.
When we discovered that we were mostly upset because we didn't want to
disappoint each other or felt like we had let the other person down, we could focus on
showing empathy or offering a hug. It's okay to allow for each other to experience the
consequences of our own mistakes without making each other feel worse.
Tanya and Ken, California
Acceptance
So often, a characteristic you once valued, (easy-going) changes, in your thinking, to

boring. Vivacious may change to flighty. Organized may change to controlling. You may
have married a mime and then expect him or her to talk. Everyone seems to know that you
can’t change anyone but yourself, but this knowledge doesn’t seem to stop anyone from
trying. (See Differences)
One woman exclaimed, “But I have accepted him for a whole month and he hasn’t
change a bit.”
! Couple Activity (See Differences)
1. Think of a quality or characteristic in your

partner that you now complain about or
see as a fault. Write it down.
2. Remember how you once saw that quality

or characteristic as a virtue or endearing.
Write it down.
3. Think of one of your own qualities and

characteristics that your partner now sees
as a fault. Write it down.
4. How do you wish your partner would see

this quality or characteristic as a virtue—
or at least cute and adorable? Write it
down.
5. If you and your partner have learned to listen without defensiveness and judgment
(see Listen tool card), share with each other what you learned from this activity. If
not, simply focus on your partner’s virtues and work on your own personal growth.
Tool Card in Action

This card was hard for us. We discussed characteristics in each other that we'd like to
support for growth. For example, Becky tends to jump to anger more quickly than
Frank, when her feelings are hurt. Becky agreed that she would use "I messages" first to
express how she is feeling. This would do two things, 1) allow her to express her anger
in a more constructive way, and 2) allow Frank to know what she is angry about.
We're at a place in our relationship where we really believe in this card. We've
previously experienced the pain when you aren't accepting and supportive of your
partner.
Letting Go of the Past

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything
on which it is poured." Mark Twain
This could be one of the most important cards in the deck because forgiveness (or lack
thereof) can make or break a relationship.
! Couple Activity:
1. Journal about how lack of forgiveness

seems to help you and your relationship?
(Do you feel better by hanging on to your
anger? Do you think that continuing to
impose judgment and guilt will make
your partner be better and love you
more?)
2. How does lack of forgiveness hurt you

and your relationship? (Is being right more
important than giving and receiving love?
Do you stay together while feeling
miserable?)
3. What will your life be like if you don’t

forgive and let go of the past?
4. Keep in mind that true forgiveness does not include judgment and self-
righteousness: See how wonderful I am for forgiving you for being such a terrible person.
5. What will your life be like if you do forgive and let go?
6. Share what you have written with your partner only if you can do so from a loving
heart.
7. Some hurts are so deep that you may need the help of a therapist. If you want to be
happy, get help with letting go.
8. Journal about what you have learned from this activity.
Inspiration Story from the book “Serenity” by Jane Nelsen

Sue’s husband had an affair, and she was so hurt that she wanted revenge. She went
to an attorney and said, “I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I want to leave him
with as little as possible financially, and to limit his child visitation rights. I will make
sure the kids don’t even want to see him.”
Sue was too hurt and angry to see that it was her thoughts about this situation that
made her miserable. Fortunately, she chose a wise attorney, who asked, “Do you really
want to hurt him in the worst way possible?”
“Yes.”
The attorney said, “Then go back and live with him for six months. Be the very best
wife you can imagine. Be loving, compassionate, understanding, forgiving, affectionate,
and fun. He will feel lucky and will start loving you very much. In six months you can
start the divorce proceedings and he will feel extremely hurt emotionally and
financially.”
Sue objected, “I couldn’t stand to live with him for six more months after what he
did.”
“Well, then you must not really want to hurt him in the worst way possible.”
“Oh, yes I do,” Sue said. “I will do it.”
Two years later, the attorney saw Sue walking down a street. He asked, “What
happened? I thought you were going to come back for a divorce.”
Sue replied, “Are you kidding? He is the most wonderful man in the world. I
wouldn’t even think of leaving him.” She must have done such a good job acting loving
that she soon forgot it was an act and started enjoying the good feelings. Good feelings
are extremely contagious, creating more good feelings in people who come in contact
with them. People do change in an atmosphere of giving and receiving unconditional
love.
Tool Card in Action

What we learned: One of us in the relationship (Becky's not telling who) has a hard
time letting go of past hurts and it hurts the relationship when they're brought back up
again repeatedly.
Before using this activity: When Becky got hurt by something Frank said, she would
bring up past hurts from their relationship to use as examples. This only created more
conflict between them.
Now, Becky works on staying in the present and dealing with the issue at hand. She
uses "I messages" to express her feelings and tries to avoid personal attacks out of anger.
Focus on Solutions
Are you looking for blame or solutions? When you focus on blame you get to feel
self-righteous. “Look how good I am and how bad you are?” Is that true. Are you really
a perfect person who just happens to be stuck with an imperfect person? A foundation
principle of Positive Discipline is to focus on solutions. It works in marriages too.
! Couple Activity
1. During a calm time, identify a problem.

2. Brainstorm as many solutions as possible.
Use your sense of humor to include wild
and crazy ideas.
3. Now get serious and eliminate ideas that

are not respectful, reasonable, and
practical.
4. Choose one solution that works for both.
5. Try it for a week and then evaluate the

results. If it isn’t working, start again with
number 2 above. (This is a great process to
use during your weekly couple meetings.)
6. Journal about what you have learned

about this activity. It can be fun to keep an
ongoing journal about problems you have
solved through this process—and how
long the solutions last.
"Always remember that through the turmoil love may bring, the heart sees what the
eyes cannot."
- Anonymous
Tool Card in Action

Kristin and Dave chose this card shortly after a discussion where both partners were
having trouble finding a solution to an ongoing problem. When discussions got heated,
Dave preferred to end the conversation abruptly by stating, “Let’s just agree to
disagree.” Kristin felt they hadn’t fully discussed things. (She wanted to persuade him
to do something or see something her way.) After they used the tool of Validating
Feelings on the topic, they decided to go one step further by Focusing on Solutions.
Kristin was able to hear that Dave felt overwhelmed and tired when discussions
went on too long and the same point was reiterated over and over. Dave was able to
hear that Kristen felt cut-off and dismissed when Dave angrily stated that they needed
to agree to disagree. This terse statement felt to her like he was saying, “Shut up. Your
opinion doesn’t matter to me.” They brainstormed for ideas on how to solve this
problem. Some of the ideas suggested were:
• Agree to set a time limit on discussions that have the potential to get heated.
• Agree that the topic can be revisited after a reasonable amount of time (mutual
decision on how long) has passed and both have had plenty of time to cool off.
• Agree to listen without interrupting until the other person finishes talking.
• Both restate, in their own words, what they heard the other person saying.
• Don’t bring up serious topics for discussion before bed.
They agreed to try all the suggestions except for the restating, as this might add to
the length of the agreed upon time limit. They decided to try out the solutions for a
week and then discuss how well they both felt they were working. After one week they
felt that the new rules were working quite well. Although, it was hard for Kristin to limit
discussions to the time limit, she was finding that by respecting Dave’s need for shorter
talks, he was paying closer attention to what she was saying and making more eye
contact. The discussions ended on a more positive note and they felt more connected
and loving.
Kristin and Dave, California
Decide What You Will Do
Sometimes it is best to focus on solutions together, and sometimes it is best simply to

decide what you are going to do. It is not helpful to let your partner know what you are
going to do when you are upset and filled with blame and judgment (or on your
wedding day). Let your partner know in advance what you plan to do in certain
circumstances. Wait until you feel respectful (of yourself and your partner) before
kindly and firmly sharing what you have decided you will do.
! Couple Activity
1. Journal about an attitude or action of your

partner that annoys you and that you
have tried to change.
2. Accept that you can’t change another

person; and that trying to do so creates
distance and hostility in a relationship.
(Other tools in this deck might invite
change, but only if the other person feels
inspired to change.)
3. This is an opportunity for you to change

yourself by taking control of your own
behavior in a respectful manner. (Perhaps
you have been disagreeable while trying to
change a disagreeable behavior in your
partner.)
4. When you have decided what you will do, and when you are feeling loving and
respectful, let your partner know what it is.
5. Journal about the results
Tool Card in Action

Janet and Bruce had very different personality styles. Janet was a high-energy
extravert—always thinking she had time for one more task. Of course she usually
underestimated the time it would take to do that one more task and often ran late. Bruce
was more methodical and organized. He liked being on time (even very early) to
maintain his peaceful state of mind.
You can guess the rest. Bruce would get anxious and annoyed when Janet’s last
minute tasks caused them to be late. Finally Bruce let Janet know that he would leave
on time and she could take her time and arrive as late as she wanted.
Because Bruce let her know with kindness and firmness, Janet felt inspired to be
more prompt—sometimes. When she was late, she took her own car and knew it was
her choice. She admired Bruce for his willingness to decide what worked for him
without blaming her.
Bruce and Janet, Utah
Household Chores
Many years ago, there was an article in MS Magazine about a couple who had lived
together for 5 years. They did not fall into traditional role expectations—until after they
got married. Then he expected her to assume traditional female roles, and she expected
him to assume traditional male roles—as though these roles were attached to the
marriage license. Within three months they had built up so much resentment that they
were discussing divorce.
! Couple Activity:
1. Journal about how household chores and

role expectations were handled in your
family of origin. Include how you felt
about this and what beliefs you adopted
from your childhood experiences.
2. Share what you wrote.
3. How close are you in role expectations.

Are you both satisfied? If not, try the
following to create a mutually respectful
plan.
4. Each of you make a list of your household

chores. Go beyond the household to
include things outside the home such as
yard work and auto care.
5. Share your lists. Adjust your lists until you have one you can agree to.
6. Decide on a rotation plan or whatever household chore schedule feels right and
respectful to both of you.
7. Discuss what you learned from this activity and record it in your journal.
8. Household chores may be an issue that you will want to revisit often during your
couple meetings where it can be discussed respectfully to find solutions.
Tool Card in Action

It was close to the holidays when we chose this tool card. We had been discussing how
much we had to do to get ready for company, I had been very sick, Jason had been working a lot
to finish up a job before the holidays, and the housework was backing up. So we decided to take
a look at how this tool card might help us find a solution that might work for both of us.
Jason’s Chore list:

• Take the Garbage out of the house and to curb on garbage day
• Vacuum
• Clean Bathrooms
• Laundry (K’s, H’s and J’s, including towels, sheets etc.)
• Some shopping
• Grilling
• “Man Stuff” Change heater filters, garbage, clean cars, change light bulbs etc.
Heather’s Chore List:

• Dishes
• Cleaning dining room
• Paying bills/managing money/taking care of money issues
• Cleaning K’s room
• Making beds
• Vacuuming
• Going through the mail and the bills
• Cooking
• Taking care of the Cat/VET apt./flea medicine/food/prescriptions
• Dr. Appointments (Dentist, Dr., eyes etc.)
• Cleaning bathrooms
• Shopping grocery and other house stuff
Journalling: Thinking back to the messages we received about roles within our families
growing up. This was obviously difficult for both of us. We both experienced different
childhood traumas that can sometimes challenge the process of trying to remember feelings
from our childhood. So we both tried to think of some examples to help each other think of
things…e.g., who did the cooking? Who chopped wood? What was the feeling about work in
the family? It was easier for us to begin with a small discussion before writing it down.
Jason’s Journal
• Mom did everything in the house: cooked, cleaned, laundry, shopped, bills, etc.
• Stepdad did everything outside the house: chopped wood, worked on cars but never fixed
them, barbecued, yard work.
• Dad wasn’t really around much.
• Feelings: comforted
• Beliefs/Decisions: Women handle the house. Men handle outside stuff.
• Ahas: Everyone worked. Men were mostly absent from my life. Yard work and other
household chores were punishment in our family. Mother was the only consistent
person in my life.
Heather’s Journal
• Dad was the bread winner in my perception. Although I remember my mother working
very hard but didn’t seem to perceive her work as important as my father’s work.
• I remember both of my parents working very hard and they were often gone from the
house during middle and high school ages.
• My father cut wood, killed and skinned snakes, built decks, worked on our houses,
worked on the cars etc.
• My mom worked on things that had to do with my sister and I. Clothes, hair, dance
classes, etc.
• We often cleaned as a family with loud music and it seemed fun.
• Feelings: lonely because my parents were gone and busy a lot
• Beliefs/Decisions: Dad does the tough work/big jobs, and everyone works hard and
chips in. When things get crazy or busy everyone works hard. It is expected for
everyone to be busy and working. There are clear roles for women and for men. “Ladies
only act calm, only sit carefully, etc.”
• Ahas: I stay busy and tend to see others as lazy if they are not working and doing
something around the house as often as possible.
Discussion
Cleaning and housework were punishments in Jason’s family. It was not made to be part of
the family or seen as a contribution for each family member. Jason realized that as he became an
adult, his confidence and feelings of capability to handle adult chores, which included
managing his life as an adult (money, shopping, employment), was significantly impacted. He
felt it took him many years in his adult life to figure out how to manage his home and take care
of himself effectively. Jason noted that this invited feelings of anger, shame and even shyness or
a lack of confidence.
I realized that I too had difficulty with those things that seemed to be my dad’s role.
Cleaning house may not always be fun but the message I learned was that household chores
were a family’s responsibility.
Jason and I discovered that some of the role expectations we adopted from our childhoods
were okay for us in our family, and some of the jobs we have assigned to each other and
ourselves work for us and it feels okay.
In our discussion we discovered that it was important to both of us that we model for our
daughter that household chores are what we do as a family to take care of each other and our
home for the greater good of the family. We don’t want her to feel that cleaning or taking care of
our responsibilities within the family are punishments. We want her to feel capable, responsible
and empowered now and when it comes time to take care of life’s obstacles and chores on her
own.
Respectful Solutions
We came up with a list of chores that feel respectful for each of us. We wrote them out and
put them on the fridge. We truly appreciated getting it all out on the table so we weren’t second
guessing who will do what. In addition, we were grateful to actually have a plan in place for
how chores will get done. We look forward to readdressing our list as needed.
Finally, although this activity appeared fairly simple it helped me to realize how much I
appreciate my husband. Understanding how much he has grown and learned on his own as an
adult helps me to connect to my true gratitude for having him in my life and that we can learn
and grow with each other. Amazing!
Parenting
Differing parenting styles usually don’t show up until after the children arrive. One
has a tendency to be too kind (lenient, permissive). The other has a tendency to be too
firm (strict, controlling). The lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be more lenient to
make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be
more strict to make up for the wishy-washy lenient parent—so they get further and
further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. They are both wrong.
! Couple Activity:
1. Make a list of the positive effects of being

firm. Then make a list of the negative
effects of being firm.
2. Now make a list of the positive effects of

being kind. Then make a list of the
negative effects of being kind.
3. Discuss what you learned from

completing these four lists.
4. Notice that the partner who tends to be

too firm does so because he or she wants
to avoid the negatives of being too kind.
The partner who tends to be too kind does
so because he or she wants to avoid the
negatives of being too firm.
5. You can avoid the negatives of being too kind, and the negatives of being to firm, by
being both kind and firm at the same time.
6. Taking a Positive Discipline parenting class (or at least reading a Positive Discipline
book) will provide many tools for being both kind and firm.
Comment: One of the most important things you can do for your children is to provide
them with a model of a respectful, loving, and happy relationship. Many parents have
different parenting styles and children are quick to learn how to play them against each
other. Parenting with the same philosophy is one of the surest ways to provide a model
of respectful and loving cooperation.
Tool Card in Action

Ken and I have three children 10, 14 and 16. We have very different parenting styles.
He is considered the kind parent and I am considered the firm one. The truth is we were
both more kind than firm until we started using Positive Discipline three years ago.
Parenting with Positive Discipline has made a critical difference in how we relate to
each other. Recently, Ken and I had one of our proudest parenting moments when we
came together as a team to co-parent during a major meltdown by our ten-year-old. Ken
was struggling to find a solution and became angry with our son. I asked if I could help
and then we coached each other through the problem. We remained calm, identified the
possible reason why our son was angry, validated his feelings and took the steps to
repair the hurt.
It felt amazing to work together with a common philosophy of kind and firm. It was
a very bonding experience for both of us and we felt like we were on the same team.
The result was a child who felt loved, safe and clearly knew his boundaries. Even
though it takes time and patience, it was a powerful learning lesson for us all!
Tanya and Ken, California
Sense of Humor
In the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to enjoy each other and laugh a lot.
Clue: A sense of humor comes from the heart. If you are not laughing and having fun,
notice how much you are coming from your head instead of your heart.
! Couple Activity
1. Reminisce and journal together about the

fun times you had in the beginning of
your relationship. What did you laugh
about? What did you joke about?
2. Then share some recent situations where

you felt tension between you. Imagine
bringing your sense of humor to these
situations. How would this change the
situations?
3. Now for the difficult part. Discuss times

when your partner may have used humor
at your expense (hurt your feelings), or
joked about something you thought
wasn’t funny. Take turns sharing while the
other listens and validates your feelings.
4. Make a commitment to use humor that is respectful and funny to both of you.
5. Take time to journal what you learned from this activity.
Tool Card in Action

It's amazing that the tool card that we could relate to most is the one we did last. The
number one reason I was attracted to my husband was his sense of humor and the fact
that he could ALWAYS make me laugh. His silly sense of humor not only made me
laugh but it was a total turn on!
He has complained that I have become too sensitive and that lately he feels that he
hasn't been able to joke with me. This made me wonder why I started taking everything
so seriously while completely dismissing his sense of humor as little jabs toward me
instead of remembering this was STILL his sense of humor. Why was I getting so
defensive?
After completing this tool card we have been more playful and have been able to
joke together instead of taking everything so seriously and personally.
We decided to:
1. Enjoy being goofy and laughing at the stupid stuff.

2. Use more touch as a reminder to be more playful and less serious, for example,
saying I need a hug, tickling, wrestling.
3. Remind each other that we need to relax, not sweat the small stuff, and not take
things so seriously.
It's been several weeks and we've been laughing and joking and really having fun.
Just another prime example that these tool cards work and that they truly do Keep the
Joy in Marriage!
Acting vs. Reacting
When you choose to respond by acting instead of reacting, you will feel better almost
instantaneously. Acting comes from your rational brain (and even better when it comes
from your heart). Reacting comes from your midbrain. Acting energy is likely to inspire
your partner to feel better too, but not if that is your expectation.
! Couple Activity:
1. Journal about a time you lost control of

your behavior because you were upset by
something your partner did or said.
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how you could have responded (acted)
with love instead of reacting. Write it
down, including the difference in your
feelings when you acted instead of
reacted.
3. Now write about a time your partner lost

control and reacted to you? Did you react
back? What was the result for you and for
your partner?
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reacting. Hints: Listening with
compassion, offering a hug, taking some
positive time-out, randomly choose
another tool card that will create
distraction and redirection.
5. Share what you have written with your partner.
6. Decide on a signal you can give each other that will remind you to act instead of
react?
7. Share with each other what you learned from this activity.
Comment: On an Oprah Super Soul Sunday program, Deepak Chopra shared that he
has not reacted for over 40 years. He was able to stop reacting when he started observing
his desire to react and then chose not to.
Tool Card in Action
It was Jeff’s turn to get 3-year-old Jon and 5-year-old Jacob dressed, fed, and off to
school one morning. Julie had an early appointment and was looking forward to a
leisurely cup of coffee on her way to her meeting. However, Jeff called in the middle of
her coffee break and was extremely upset. He was yelling epithets about how hard it
was to get the kids to cooperate, and wondering why he ever had kids, etc., etc., etc.
Julie was extremely annoyed as she decided to cancel her meeting and rush home to
rescue Jeff. While driving home she was filled with resentment, wondering why she
always had to be the one to take care of everything, and why she ever got married. After
venting for a few minutes she realized she was angry at Jeff for not controlling his
behavior when she wasn’t controlling her own.
She put her hand on her heart and started feeling compassion for Jeff. She thought
about how much Jeff loved his children. She remembered that he is usually one of the
best fathers she knows. She thought about all the pressures he had been experiencing in
the past few days. She knew he didn’t mean any of the things he said; and she
remembered how much she loves him.
When she got home she gave Jeff a hug and said, “I’m so sorry for all the stress you
are having. How can I help?”
Jeff wasn’t through ranting and raving.
Julie took the kids outside to give Jeff some time.
It wasn’t long before Jeff calmed down and expressed appreciation for how
understanding and loving Julie had been. Together they decided to let the kids skip
school for the day so they could have a family day. This is exactly what they all needed
to reduce the stress and nurture their love.
Julie and Jeﬀ California
Happiness
Romantic songs, movies, and novels, promote the idea that someone else can make
you happy. This could be one reason so many marriages fail. The activity may help you
understand why.
Sometimes (as indicated in the cartoon), the possibility for happiness is right in front
of you and you don’t see it.
! Couple Activity:
1. How often have you heard the lines, “He/

she makes me so happy,” or, “I promise to
make you very happy.”? Have you bought
into this belief?
2. This belief is based on the fantasy that

your partner will always do what you
want or that you will always do what
your partner wants. What happens when
this fantasy doesn’t come true? Take time
to think about these first two questions
and journal about your conclusions.
3. Since happiness is an inside job, what

steps do you need to take to make
yourself happy? Write them down.
4. Now journal about a time when happiness

was right in front of you but you didn’t
appreciate it—maybe until after it was
gone.
5. Share what you wrote with each other, as well as what you learned from this activity.
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make
ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same."
Carlos Castaneda
Tool Card in Action

This card helped us find a greater appreciation for our relationship and for each
other.We agreed that when we are happy, we bring positive energy, a sense of humor,
and act lovingly and friendly, which invites laughter, smiles and love in return. In other
words, you get what you give. We also realized that you attract who you are.
We continued to share what we thought made each other happy and why. For
example, I always believed that golfing was what made Mike happy and this is why I
always supported his love for the game.
He confessed that golf wasn't on his list of what makes him happy. I confessed that I
didn't love him playing golf every week but I was supportive because I thought it made
him happy.
I was shocked when he shared that it makes him happy when he sets goals and
accomplishes them. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I've always thought he was
the King of procrastination and that his projects/goals weren't as important to him as
they were to me. Mike has a list of unfinished projects. Hearing this helped me reflect
on our 17 years together, and I was able to recall that he was actually happier when he
was working on projects instead of golfing.
We were able to come up with a plan, in a non-defensive, fun loving and happy way,
to work on projects together. I shared that I am more relaxed and happy in the home
when it isn't a disaster. I also told him how much I appreciate all of his support for all of
my adventures: my education, career, running marathons spending time with friends
and planning events. These things make me happy. He said, "I know, and that's why I
want you to do those things and that's why I cleaned yesterday." (Smile)
He ended our discussion by saying, "Happiness is giving to someone without
expecting anything in return." I piggy backed his comment by saying, "It's that actual
gift of giving." We were able to agree that each of us is happiest when each of us is
happy. I guess you really do get what you give.
Mike remembered an older gentleman who told him before we got married, 11-years
ago, that he had a great saying that goes...Happy Wife, Happy Life! He smiled and said,
"So true!"
Partnership
You may remember the days when men and women were delegated to roles
determined by some mysterious committee (society, culture). In many cases, women
now work full time and are still expected to be in charge of most household
responsibilities—including taking care of the kids. Men may be expected to work outside the
home when they would prefer to stay home and take care of cooking, cleaning, and kids.
Times have changed. We now live in a society where everyone wants and expects to
be treated with equality, dignity, and respect. (See Household Chores.)
! Couple Activity
1. Think of some areas where your

relationship may be suffering because one
or both of you is hanging on to traditional
roles from the past—such as men bringing
home the bacon and women cooking it
and cleaning up the mess. Separately
write in your journal about your areas of
discontent.
2. Share what you have written with your

partner. Review the listening card if you
have difficulty avoiding interrupting and
defensiveness.
3. Resolving these issues could take some

time. During a couples meeting discuss
one issue and brainstorm for solutions
that feel respectful to both of you.
4. Keep in mind that it is okay to keep traditional roles if both agree this is what you
want to do—so there is no resentment.
5. It may be difficult to resolve gender roles that you have grown up with, so keep
discussing whenever you realize you are feeling resentful about roles in your
relationship.
Tool Card in Action

Following the directions we each wrote down our own personal growth goals.
Dane swore he knew Marti’s goals, and she admitted that she didn’t have a real clue
about Dane’s except that they included personal growth.
We set aside time to read our goals to each other and asked how we could support
each other. We both concluded that if each shared the chores and income generation that
we would be satisfied and could handle our own goals.
When we did our journaling and reflecting about our goals and our relationship and
wanting each to be the perfect partner, we discovered something sad and interesting.
Both of us had written nothing in our goals about our relationship. Most of our 15 years
of marriage we have been either in a couples’ group or in therapy just to keep invested
in our marriage. We are not in either at the moment. Our group of three couples recently
shrunk to two couples and we still meet. It is supportive and helpful and not the same.
We each quickly realized that we hadn’t been investing enough time, energy, or
intention on our relationship. Within hours we both re-upped our strong commitment
to our relationship and noticed a significant difference in our behaviors and the
outcome.
WHAT A RELIEF and JOY!
Marti and Dane, Idaho
Took Card in Action

Before: Frank and I agreed before we got married that one of us would stay home
with the kids when we had them. I volunteered to be the one. We both took on aspects
of cleaning the house. He likes to cook and grocery shop, which I'm happy to have him
do, and we both do dishes. I do most of the house-cleaning, something I had a lot of
training in while growing up. He takes care of the yard, garage, and outside of the
house. This has worked out for us. I take care of opening the mail and paying the bills
that aren't auto-pay.
After: I hadn't thought about any discontent until we discussed this tool card and I
realized one area that I'd like to change is how we handle keeping track of the finances.
I wanted a bigger role in knowing our overall financial picture. We agreed I would work
on a budget and we'd discuss it and modify as needed. This tool card helped bring to
light for me that, although Frank and I didn't consciously discuss that he would do the
traditional male role and I would do the woman's role, we fell into them because of
interest and experience (as children, we had learned to do the work required of the
roles). I’m so glad we were able to deal with my resentment before it grew.
Perception
Many people don’t understand that their perception of the world is filtered through
the beliefs they formed in childhood. Childhood memory work can help you
understand how some of these beliefs were formed. Your life becomes richer when you
are willing to stop taking your thoughts (beliefs) seriously, and see the world from your
heart.
! Couple Activity:
1. Again, journal about a conflict you have

had with your partner.
2. Then think of a childhood memory. Don’t

try to find one that is related to the conflict
—just notice the first one that comes to
you. Write it down as though you were
creating a movie script.
3. As the child in this memory, notice what

you were thinking, feeling, and deciding
what to do. (The decision about what to
do will give you a clue to the belief you
formed.)
4. How is this belief causing conflict in your

relationship?
5. Close you eyes and let you heart suggest a new belief.
6. Journal about what you learned and then share with your partner.
"As you inquire into issues and turn judgments around, you come to see that every
perceived problem appearing "out there" is really nothing more than a misperception
within your own thinking."
Byron Katie
Tool Card in Action

Marilyn fell in love with Jordan and admired the calm way he drove a car, which
made her feel safe and relaxed. After they got married, however, she found that it drove
her crazy to ride with him because he was not aggressive enough and didn’t take risks
to pass slow cars.
Marilyn had also admired Jordan for his quiet, easy-going dependability; he had
been in the same job for twelve years, and she could set her clock by his departure and
arrival. After a few years of marriage, she started seeing him as boring and lacking in
ambition. During their courtship, she had loved his flexibility and willingness to go
along with all her suggestions. Later, she saw him as a follower, without an original
thought in his head.
Marilyn divorced Jordan and married Steve, who was aggressive, ambitious, and
opinionated. At first Marilyn admired these virtues in Steve and felt lucky to be married
to an exciting man who knew what he wanted and where he was going. She felt
protected and taken care of. Later, however, she saw him as controlling and unyielding,
because he would not do what she wanted him to do. Instead of feeling protected, she
felt dominated and not taken seriously.
If Marilyn married 20 times, it is likely she would start out seeing virtues in each
husband until she changed her perception and saw only faults.
Tool Card in Action

Susan was upset with Bart for not being enthusiastic about buying a rental property.
She thought he was just lazy. When she took responsibility, she realized that her timing
was off. She didn’t give him time to process the possibility—something she knows he
needs (and she should take). When she took some time to think about it, she realized he
had every right to resist the required landlord tasks. Digging a little deeper, she realized
how much she could learn from Bart by relaxing and focusing on leisure time instead of
finding one more thing to be overwhelmed about.
Responsibility
Defensive responsibility (like the man in the cartoon) is not the kind of
responsibility that improves relationships. It takes maturity and personal growth to be
willing to take personal responsibility for what you create in your relationship. It would
be nice if your partner also took responsibility, but you can’t control others.
! Couple Activity:
1. Dig deep and figure out your

responsibility (not blame) for a situation
you complain about. Journaling will help
you go deeper.
2. When you are aware of your part in the

problem, what can you do to make it
better? Hints: Apologize; show
understanding; be encouraging, shower
your partner with hugs and kisses, focus
on solutions.
3. Take responsibility for the energy you

create in your relationship. What kind of
energy are you creating? Write it down.
4. If your energy is negative, what do you need to think and/or do to change your
energy? Write it down.
5. Share with your partner what you learned from this activity.
Tool Card in Action
Laney felt resentful that Mike spent so much time relaxing on the couch when she
was busy cleaning the house. She wanted him to help her. Her therapist asked her some
questions to help her think more deeply about taking responsibility for what she
creates:
Therapist: When Mike is relaxing and you are cleaning, what are you thinking?
Laney: That he is lazy and doesn’t care about me and my feelings.
Therapist: When you think that, how do you feel?
Laney: Hurt, angry and disgusted.
Therapist: Is there anything you do that invites him to feel hurt, angry and
disgusted?
Laney: Well, he gets very annoyed and puts me down when I am not mindful and
lose things. He doesn’t like the way I drive and feels hurt that I don’t take his advice.
Therapist: What do you think he is thinking about you during these times?
Laney: That he wishes I would be different. Maybe he wishes he hadn’t married me.
Wow, I can see that he probably feels as hurt when I want him to be different as I feel
when he wants me to be different. I feel bad enough about myself when I make
mistakes. I don’t need to hear it from him. I’m sure he feels the same way.
Therapist: What do you wish he would do when you lose something or don’t drive
the way he likes?
Laney: I wish he would understand how stressed I am with all I have to do and that
he would be kind and gentle and help me when I lose something. I wish he would have
faith in my driving even though it is not the same style as his. And, I could do better at
taking his advice instead of feeling resentful.
Therapist: What do you think Mike would like when he is relaxing on the couch?
Laney: Okay, I get it. He would like me to understand how hard he has worked at
two stressful jobs; and he would love it if I would bring him lemonade and rub his
head? He would love it if I would accept that he has a different style from me and if I
would focus on his wonderful qualities.
Therapist: How do you feel about him and yourself when you think about doing
that?
Laney: Loving and grateful that I am married to such a good man. I can see how
silly it is for me to want someone to love me unconditionally, faults and all, if I’m not
willing to do the same, I can hardly wait for him to lay on the couch again so I can bring
him lemonade and rub his head.
Differences
A person’s faults are the price you pay for his or her virtues. 3
! Couple Activity:
1. Journal ways are you completely different

from each other?
2. In what ways are you the same (shared

interests and values)?
3. Journal about the virtues your partner

brings to the relationship—qualities you
may not possess.
4. In your journal, respond to the following

questions for each virtue you listed: Why
did you once appreciate this
characteristic? Why does it now irritate
you? Who has changed? How?
5. Now dig deep to discover how the fault is

part of the same quality that creates the
virtue. Write it down.
6. What you focus on expands. Do you focus on the virtue or the fault of your partner’s
qualities? Write down examples.
7. Share the insights you have gained from this activity? What will you do differently
based on your new insights?Are you willing to adopt your old attitudes—the ones
you had when you first met?
Tool Card in Action (an excerpt from the book Serenity, by Jane Nelsen
Phil and Lisa experienced separate realities soon after they were married. Phil was
an early bird; he loved getting up at dawn full of energy and ready to enjoy the day.
Every morning he bounded out of bed and sang loudly in the shower, hoping Lisa
would wake up. Noticing her still in bed with the covers pulled over her head, he
would noisily bounce on the bed as he put on his shoes and socks, thinking, “If she
really loved me, she would get up and enjoy this time with me.”
3 Charlie Shedd, Letters to Karen Harper Collins, NY, 1976

Lisa, totally annoyed at what she saw as his inconsiderateness, would be thinking, “If
he really loved me, he would know I hate getting up early and would be quiet and let
me sleep.”
They often discussed their differences, but neither really heard each other because
they were more interested in changing each other than in understanding each other.
Both felt as though they were talking to a wall as they tried to make their points. What
they did not realize is that they were talking to two walls—the wall of their own reality
and the wall of the other’s reality.
Christmases were a disaster. When Lisa was growing up, everyone in her family had
received one very nice, expensive present for Christmas. In Phil’s family everyone had
enjoyed the fun of opening several inexpensive presents. So Lisa would buy Phil one
nice, expensive present, and Phil would buy Lisa several inexpensive presents. Every
Christmas they felt disappointed and misunderstood, each thinking that the other was
too dense to know how to really enjoy Christmas.
We may be amused at Phil and Lisa for not seeing how simply they could solve their
problems by respecting their separate realities instead of by trying to change each other.
Nonetheless, when dealing with our own precious beliefs, we are often just as blind.
Tool Card in Action

What we learned: Actually we have a lot in common. During our 11 years of
marriage, we have retained our separate interests and have gained more common
interests (Example: I want to cook more because he loves to cook and I'm inspired by
this).
Before doing this activity: Something I loved about Frank when I met him was his
confidence and how knowledgeable he was about so many subjects. I was intrigued
when I first heard him give a group directions to the ballroom dance place we were
going to after dinner. He sounded like a talking Thomas Guide for directions. However,
as time went on, sometimes he could sound like a know-it-all and it was off-putting.
After doing this activity: We both have changed. Frank has become more aware
when sharing information to not sound like a know-it-all and to give others ample
opportunity for input. I appreciate him more for his wealth of knowledge and his caring
nature of wanting to help others with his knowledge.
Make Amends
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be loved and loving? The need to be
right might provide short satisfaction to the ego, but it will lead to loneliness for the
heart and soul. (See Letting Go)
! Couple Activity:
1. Journal about a recent conflict. (You’ll

notice this is the beginning of many of the
activities since there are many different
ways to resolve conflicts.)
2. It takes two to Tango, and two to have an

argument or power struggle. Journal
about your part of the conflict. What was
your mistake?
3. Practice using the 3 Rs for Making

Amends with your partner.
a. Recognize your mistake.

b. Reconcile. (Say you are sorry.) It is so
interesting to hear how many
partners refuse to say they are sorry.
Yet, when they do, their partner is
usually so forgiving.
c. Resolve. Find a solution (See Focus
on Solutions Card.)
5. Journal about your results.
Tool Card in Action

This was such a powerful tool card because we went a lot deeper than either of us
had expected. We had a disagreement about his Dad coming to stay with us and where
he was going to sleep? The week before, my husband kept saying, "We'll just let him
decide."
Then the day he arrived Mike decided it would be best for him to sleep in our baby’s
room. I was fine with whatever room but it made more sense to have him stay in the
office downstairs because of the bathroom and a little more privacy.
Well, when his father arrived, that's where he put his stuff. He gave all the reasons
why he wanted to stay downstairs. After Mike left for work he called me and said that
he didn't want him sleeping in our office and that he wanted him upstairs. I was
annoyed because if he was so adamant about where his father slept then why didn't he
take charge and set him up. When I tried to remind him of what he had said about him
staying where he's comfortable he got frustrated with me and hung up.
After discussing our tool card we were able to figure out that Mike felt like his father
was controlling him, which is what he remembers from his childhood. Mike was
resisting and feeling even more annoyed because it is in our home and yet his Dad is
still telling him how it is going to be. (Our interpretation)
Meanwhile this tool card brought up an entire dialogue about his childhood and
parenting. The conversation was extremely special to me because Mike doesn't talk
about his childhood very often and I felt like he was discovering something new about
himself and so was I.
This is what Mike wrote on in his journal

Dad sleeping arrangement
I wanted my dad in bedroom so I wouldn't wake him when I came home late from
work. I also wanted him to have the comfort of a bedroom and privacy.
My mistake: not considering what he wanted or what Laney had in mind.
I learned that a frustrating situation was overlapping another frustration that wasn't
necessarily related.
I learned that my childhood stuff came up about feeling controlled and as a result I
became defensive.
At the end of this tool card we were able to recognize again that anytime we are
having a disagreement, one of our 3'Cs is missing. In this case it was all three:
1. Communication
2. Compromise
3. Compassion
Again, I’m impressed with how much using these tool cards increases all three of
our Cs.
Romance
Romance can be in the eye of the beholder. Some might see it as very romantic to
give your partner a surprise instead of finding out what your partner wants.
! Couple Activity:
1. Journal about what romance means to

you. Include how you feel about the
romance in your relationship right now.
2. Write about the romantic things you

enjoyed during courtship.
3. If you have stopped doing these things,

write about your reasons for stopping.
4. Each of you choose at least one romantic

practice you would like to revive.
5. Share what you wrote with your partner—

taking turns to listen without interrupting.
6. Make a commitment to revive or continue the romantic practices you can both agree
to, and add them to your calendars in a color that indicates “most important thing
on my calendar” (along with daily appreciations and weekly couple meetings).
7. Share what you learned from this activity
Tool Card in Action

Trisha: What romance means to me:
To me, romance is a sort of magic interaction that happens when two people are
attracted to each other: their bodies, minds and souls dance on the same rhythm.
Romance makes me feel like I am special, seen and wanted. It is also the ability to see
the beautiful side of my partner and celebrate it. I feel that romance is not as present in
our relationship as I would like it to be. We are both passionate people with a very good
potential for romance!
Hank: What romance means to me:
Special time when we are both connected to each other. When we can give and
receive at the same time in a loving, caring fashion. Desire to seduce and be seduced.
There is not enough time and room for romance in our relationship right now. Romance
is rare. Almost as if it was not a priority anymore. It would take very little to be alive
again.
Romantic things we enjoyed during courtship:

Tricia:
• Spending time together without worrying about anything else.

• Our time together was a priority.
• Going out to diner.
• Deciding to take off for the weekend, pack light and discover the world
together.
• Laughter, endless discussions, constant physical contact, need to be close, to
share whatever comes to mind.
• A lot of party time, champagne, wine, good food, sex and tenderness.
• Being surprised and surprising him.
• Receiving letters, messages, phone calls (even in the middle of the night).
• Sit on top of Parisian roof and make plans for the next day.
• Small gifts like chocolates, a flower, a book, an object belonging to him, the
unexpected.
• Last minute change of plans: “Forget this party. Let’s drive to Deauville, have
champagne on the beach and spend the night there”.
• Doing things together like skiing, hiking, going to the movies, to concerts, etc.
Hank:
• Making love at any time or any place, without constraints.

• Deciding to escape and discover new places, totally improvised.
• Drinking champagne when the rest of the world drinks coffee or water.
• Surprising the other one with the intention to seduce and love: restaurant,
theater, weekend get-a-way, gifts, love games.
Reasons for stopping :
Tricia:
• Having 3 kids and having far less one to one time.

• Having very busy jobs, both of us (responsibilities).
• Being married for years (22) and sometimes taking our relationship for
granted.
• Physical tiredness: running all the time!
Hank:
• Lack of time and priority realignment due to children.

• Growing work responsibilities.

• Weight of routine, sense of responsibility in general, drives away from
romance and romantic things.
One romantic practice I would like to revive:
Trishia:
• One romantic evening without kids once a week (one to one time to do
whatever we feel like).
• Surprises: little things that show that Hank had me in mind during the day.
Hank:
• Making love outside the normal framework
Share what you learned from this activity

Tishia:
The strange thing is that it took us forever to go through this card .... and the reason
was ... a lack of time! Both of us wanted to make it a priority but our crazy schedules
were running the show. Recently, we even tried to take a weekend off to go to a
European main city we really wanted to visit but couldn’t find a time that would work
for both of us and for the kids. At first, when we started discussing romance, it felt sad
to think that we had to struggle to keep romance alive in our couple relationship when
it was so easy and naturally happening in the past. No need to discuss it back then!
Discussing it together made us slow down and share about how to take small steps
to keep what mattered to us alive and present despite our schedules. I realized that our
understanding of what romance meant, was pretty close, not only in words but also in
actions. We want the same thing and it is our responsibility to make it happen on a daily
basis. Quite challenging but possible. We already do it, but not as often. Making more
room for it will be our goal knowing that we also need more compassion for what we
are able to do now. Both Hank and I have a strong superiority top card and ... it’s often
never enough. We are not where we were 20 years ago and it’s okay because our lives
are filled with so many amazing things.
Hank:
Despite little time to discuss personal and romance matters, it is helpful to realize
that we are very much in line on how to get more romance back in our lives. It’s hard to
treat romance like a business meeting. Romance is not on a schedule. We have to find a
way to have time for it but not in a rigid way.
Interesting all the feelings that we uncover while going through this card: need for
compassion, patience, love, care, need to be seen and heard, hope, need to touch what
really matters, reconnecting with what was and is so special between us.
Thank you Jane and Mary for this intimate journey.
! Trisha and Hank, Paris
Flirt
It is easy to take your partner for granted. Flirting is one way to remind each other
that your partner is loved and worthy of special attention.
! Couple Activity
1. If you don’t know how to flirt, do a

Google search for ideas. You’ll find an
amazing amount of information.
2. You might want to agree on some flirting

rituals, such as winking in public, leaving
love notes on the mirror, shaving cream
messages, or sexy text messages.
3. If you feel bashful about flirting, take

some chances on getting out of your box
and find ways to surprise your partner
with flirting.
4. Share your flirting fantasies with each

other and decide which ones you are
willing to fulfill for your partner.
6. Journal about your adventures with flirting.
Tool Card in Action

Gary knew we were going to do the Flirt card so he jumped ahead before we even
did it. This morning he fixed pumpkin French toast and wrote me a little “I love U” note
inside a teeny Positive Discipline heart logo that he cut out from the notepad by our
kitchen phone, sticking it on top of the syrup!! Even after 45 years of marriage it’s fun to
keep the joy in our marriage with a little flirting. Best husband ever!
Mary and Gary, Nebraska
Tool Card in Action

Of course, the topic soon alluded to a general sex discussion (which of course is
great) and we had a very frank talk indeed. As I have said before, these cards should be
marketed simply as “If you want more sex in your marriage, do these cards!”
Anyway, we did get back on topic and we both agreed that we could flirt more with
each other, as the danger is that we get complacent. So we did Google search and came
up with love texts, more hugs and kisses etc. Penny mentioned that she still finds it
difficult to be really sexy in the home, as she associates it with her mother role. We then
remembered what some dear mentors of ours, Hal & Sidra Stone, shared that they
would religiously book into their local motel once a week. We thought, at the time, it
was an excellent idea. So we have both recommitted to spending a night a month (we
thought a week would be too hard to organize and expensive!) in a nice hotel in town,
to invest in our intimacy.
Admiration and Compliments
Since admiration and compliments feed the souls of men and women, why do we
get so stingy dishing them out? (See Appreciation Card)
! Couple Activity
1. First make a list of things you admire

about your partner.
2. Then interview your partner and ask what

he or she admires about him or herself;
and for what he or she would like to be
complimented. (It is okay to ask. Mind
reading doesn’t work.)
3. Start a habit of meditating for two minutes

a day on what you admire about your
partner. This could be the most powerful
daily habit you can create to keep the joy
in your relationship.
4. Avoid being stingy with your

compliments. Develop a habit of
verbalizing what you admire in your
partner at least twice a day.
5. Notice how much easier this becomes with daily practice—and how much better you
and your partner feel.
6. Share with each other what you learned from this activity.
7. Journal about your experiences with admiration and compliments.
Tool Card in Action

I was thrilled to do this tool card because I'm always wanting, asking, and fishing
for compliments. It made sense to me when I read the book, The 5 Love Languages, by
Gary Chapman and learned that my love language is Words of Affirmation. At the same
time, we learned that my Mike’s love language is Quality Time. We were able to both learn
from this tool card and the book that while compliments and admiration means a lot to
me, it doesn't mean as much to him.
This tool card gave us the opportunity to communicate how important it is for me,
without Mike getting defensive. I was able to share my experience of having a Dad that
was full of compliments and admiration. That is how I felt loved, and that is now what I
want, need, and expect.
Mike was able to acknowledge that he knows how much I love it when he gives me
compliments and verbally expresses that he admires me for being a great mom, wife,
and my career. He responded, "You know I admire and appreciate all that you are and
do." I was able to recognize that even though he thinks and feels what I want to hear, it's
not as natural for him to express it the way my dad did and still does.
Mike agreed to be more mindful of giving me compliments daily. He asked me if I
would be willing to playfully remind him if he forgets? I said, "Your clue will be when I
give you one. And, I will be more mindful of how important it is for you that we spend
quality time. I think there is a tool card for that."
I love that we have these tools as reminders for how such little things, such as a few
compliments and spending quality time can help keep the joy in our marriage!
Closet Listening
Do you ever get out of sync with your partner? One of you wants to talk and the
other isn’t in the mood—creating resentment and hurt feelings? Closet listening is
different from engaging in a conversation. It means just hanging out to enjoy the
presence of your loved one. It means being available if your partner wants to talk, and
being content if he or she doesn’t want to talk.
! Couple Activity
1. Read the introduction above and each

journal of what it means to you. If you are
the one who feels like talking, share why.
If you are the one who doesn’t feel like
talking at certain times, share why. Is it a
differing personality style or a timing
issue?
2. Write about what you would like your

partner to do when you feel like talking,
and when you don’t.
3. Share with each other what you have

written, and discuss.
4. Is closet listening (just quietly hanging

out) something that could work for you?
5. Decide what works for both of you, and create a signal that will serve as a reminder
of what you want and what you have agreed to.
6. Discuss what you learned from this activity and record it in your journal.
Tool Card in Action

Right away after reading the beginning comment about feeling out of “sync”
regarding talking, Heather and I both laughed. We laughed because we clearly are not
always in sync when it comes to talking. Heather likes to talk. She likes to talk a lot.
Don’t get me wrong, I love talking with my wife, but the timing is often “off” for me
when it comes to feeling ready and available for talking. We knew this was going to be a
great tool card activity for us and maybe even a little uncomfortable. I need time to
process the topic to feel good about having a conversation.
As we each shared about the introduction, we realized that we had very different
perspectives on talking. I shared with Heather that it is difficult for me to talk on the spot.
I need time to process the topic to feel good about having a conversation
Heather enjoys talking and feels more connected when we talk. She shared that she
needed/wanted to be able to check in every day, and my initial reaction was that
having to talk everyday was just going to be too much. I may have shared that message
in a less than compassionate way. Heather’s feelings were hurt and she began to tear
up, which highlighted one of the reasons why I don’t like talking on the spot.
After some very emotional discussion we experienced some very big AHAs. I
realized, after knowing my wife since high school, that she loves to talk. She expresses
herself, her ideas and her passions through her words. I realized that I can be
overwhelmed by this and I can even feel insecure because I don’t always know if I can
match what she needs from the conversation.
I learned so much from this activity. I identified that I need to process the topic, my
feelings, the conversation and the information before I feel confident and comfortable
entering into a full discussion. I don’t want to seem stupid to Heather or like I don’t
know what I am talking about. I want to fully understand my feelings so that I can
respond to Heather and not react out of frustration or fear. Once I have a chance to think
about what my feelings are and why I am feeling those feelings I can have an educated
conversation with Heather from my heart instead of being in my head and feeling
defensive.
Heather’s AHAs
Heather learned that she relies heavily on conversation to connect with me and to
reduce her anxiety (through planning and discussions with me). She has so many
people depending on her in her job and family that if she is not talking things through
she doesn’t feel on top of things. Heather realized that she would like to work on
validating my feelings about waiting and not jumping right into the conversation so
that I have time to process information so we can have an effective conversation from
our hearts and not our heads. Heather also realized that when I am taking time to
process the information that she is sometimes taking it personally and feeling
insignificant and as if I don’t want to talk to her. She is learning how to NOT take this
personally.
We decided that a solution that will work for both of us is to try to check in when we
can throughout the week but save bigger things for our couples meetings so that I have
time to process before we discuss and so that we are still discussing all the things that
come up throughout the week. We decided on the day and the time of the week and
agreed this would be the most respectful solution for both of us.
We held our first couples meeting this week. We had three items on the agenda.
Heather was sick and I was sooo tired but we did it anyway and it felt great not only to
follow through but to connect and talk about things not in the heat of the moment.
Each card brings us closer. We have been married for only 6 years but we have been
together since High School (20 years +) and it just keeps getting better. Positive
Discipline has a huge role in that! Thank you.
Jason and Heather Cantero
Tool Card in Action

Penny and I have just completed this activity and here are our comments:
Definitely was an issue for us in the early part of our relationship, we were often
functioning at completely different speeds and timings. Penny is very high functioning
and processes her thoughts on the run like a cheetah. I'm of course the opposite and at
times run at sloth speed. This was the source of much tension until she learned to slow
down and I sped up so we met half way
This activity also tapped into our previous one about screen time, as I like/need to
unwind watching TV at night while Penny reads in bed. I can then come to bed late and
want to discuss something and Penny is too tired. Same of course goes with sex, but I've
learned the hard way, if I continue this pattern of coming to bed too late, sex is
definitely off the menu, and if I come to bed earlier, there's at least a chance.
So we definitely agree that just being in the same room together, say reading, creates
connection. We don't get the same feeling when we are both on our laptops, even if in
the same room, funnily enough.
Penny said something which really made me think. She said the best part of the day
is cuddling with me before she goes to sleep. And yet this doesn't happen if I watch too
much TV and come to bed late. And then I think, “Was that crappy TV show worth
missing out on making my wife's day?” Shouldn't really have to answer that one!
I realize we may have strayed off topic, so use what you want.
Comment
Bart and Penny did not stray off topic. They have demonstrated how most topics are
related, and how they all help couples connect and communicate more deeply.
Commitment
Commitment involves adopting a “no exit” clause, and then doing the work
necessary for Keeping the Joy in your Marriage. A good marriage does not survive neglect.
Commitment means accepting responsibility for your own happiness and and for the
happiness of the relationship, not expecting someone else to make you happy.
Commitment means acknowledging your partner as one of your greatest teachers for
your personal and spiritual growth and development. It can be a joyful journey.
! Couple Activity:
1. Journal about what commitment means to

you and what you think it means to your
partner.
2. Include how your actions demonstrate

commitment or lack thereof. (Do not
include how your partners actions
demonstrate commitment or lack thereof.
This is about your commitment.)
3. When you are ready, share what you have

written with your partner—remembering
to use your listening skills.
4. Together, create a mission statement for your relationship that includes the actions
you will take to enhance your physical chemistry, your shared interests and values,
and your depth of commitment.
5. Share what you learned from this activity.

CONCLUSION
The commitment tool card provides a great opportunity for a conclusion to Keeping
the Joy in Marriage. It could also be the beginning and the middle. In other words
commitment is not only the foundation, it is threaded through every part of Keeping the
Joy in YOUR Marriage.
According to William Glasser,4 people are drawn to each other for three reasons:
1. Speed (physical attraction)
2. Quality (shared interests and values)
3. Depth (commitment to life goals and the relationship)
A relationship based on speed might be very exciting—for a while. However, the

speed can turn to irritation if the couple discovers they have nothing in common. On
the other hand, there is a lack of spark and excitement when a relationship has quality
but not speed. Both speed and quality can fade without commitment. With commitment
you can create speed and quality by taking the time to follow the tools found in Keeping
the Joy in Marriage, over and over and over. The tools are simple yet profound.
DO YOU HAVE THE COMMITMENT TO:
1. Care enough to dedicate time to Keeping the Joy in Your Marriage?
2. Speak your partner’s Love Language? 5
3. Avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? (Contempt, Criticism, Stonewalling,

and Withdrawal) 6
4. Take the time to use these simple yet profound tools over and over.
We wish you many years of JOY in your relationship!!!
4Glasser, William and Carleen, Getting Together and Staying Together, Harper Collins,
New Your, NY, 2010
5Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Northfield
Publishing, Chicago, 2010
6John Gottman, Ph.D, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Simon and Shuster, New York, NY,
1994

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Keeping the Joy in Marriage! !

Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski

Keeping the Joy in Marriage

Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski

Keeping the Joy in Marriage

A Workbook for Couples

Copyright © 2013 Jane Nelsen, Mary Nelsen Tamborski, Bill Schorr

Share Your Stories

1. Each of you make a list of 5 things you

2. This is a great time to start a journal that

3. As you look at your list, write about

4. Share your lists with each other and what

Tool Card in Action

Tool Card in Action

Tool Card in Action

1. In your journal, make a list of little things

2. Write your excuses for being complacent

3. Are your excuses really more important

4. Share your list of what you know your

5. Now share some of the things on your list

6.Are you willing to make a commitment to

Tool Card in Action

stubbornness. Sometimes I felt resistant because I wanted to be in control and do things

1. Take turns sharing a time when you know

2. Ask for a chance to try again and listen

3. When your partner seems finished, ask if

4. This may not be the time to problem-

Tool Card in Action

1. In your journal, make a list of ten things

2. Then make a list of three of your partner’s

3. As you look at your two lists, which of

4. Now for a really tough question to journal

5. Discuss with your partner what you learned from journaling.

8. Journal about the results.

Tool Card in Action

1. Make a list of the things you tell your

2. Choose one from your list and write about

3. Now make a list of the things your partner

4. Choose one from your list and write about

5. Share and discuss what you learned from journalling.

8. Journal about the results.

Tool Card in Action

• “I would love a glass of wine!”

• “Hang up the phone!”

Hank: “Hang up the phone now. We need to go!”

Trisha Feeling/Thinking / Deciding

Feeling: Irritated. rushed.

Feeling: Unimportant’ I don’t really matter.

What we learned from journaling:

1. Find a day and time that you are willing

2. Commit to making this the most

3. Decide where you will keep your agenda

4. Start your meeting with appreciations.

5. Take the first topic. The person who put it

8. Choose the solution you can both agree to.

Tool Card in Action

Tool Card in Action

Limit Screen Time