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Keeping The Joy in Marriage Workbook
Keeping The Joy in Marriage Workbook
All rights reserved. No part of this eBook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form
or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any
information storage or retrieval system, without written permission permission from
Positive Discipline Publishing, www.positivediscipline.com
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Introduction
It all started when Terese and Paul Bradshaw shared that they had used the Positive
Discipline Tool Cards for their relationship (even though they are written as parenting
tools) and found that they were so effective that they felt like they were on their
honeymoon after 25 years of marriage. Thus the idea of Keeping the Joy in Marriage Tool
Cards was born.
The project became even more exciting when Bill Schorr agreed to do the cartoons.
He is a political cartoonist and was not sure he could do relationship cards. We have no
doubt that his cartoons will make you laugh, creating a great foundation for learning
tools to keep the joy in your marriage. (Bill also created the delightful illustrations for
the children’s book, Jared’s Cool Out Space.)
Most couples feel an abundance of joy in each other when they are newlyweds.
However, many eventually experience the dreaded honeymoon is over phase, even when
they still love each other. Far too many (statistics say over 50%) go from honeymoon is
over to divorce. Why does this happen, and how can you avoid it?
Dr. John Gottman1 found (after over 20 years of scientific research) that most
couples, who eventually divorce, fall into what he calls the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. Any, or all of these
horsemen negate loving and respectful communication.
As you read these four styles of communication (and, yes, even stonewalling is a
nonverbal form of communication) it is likely that you can recognize the one, or more
than one, that fits for you. We suggest you make a copy of these horsemen and paste
them where you can be reminded of what to avoid. Of course, it is almost impossible to
stop old habits without establishing new habits. Practicing the suggestions on these 40
Keeping the Joy in Marriage tool cards has helped many couples exchange their four
horseman habits of poor communication for loving and respectful communication.
Several beta testers of these tool cards are fans of The Five Love Languages2 by Gary
Chapman, and have shared the fun they had with the cartoons and many suggestions to
deepen their understanding and communication skills in the love language of their
partner.
The activities for the cartoon topics that appear on the Keeping the Joy in Marriage
Tool Cards are expanded in this eBook because of space limits on the deck of cards. The
1John Gottman, Ph.D, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Simon and Shuster, New York, NY,
1994
2Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Northfield
Publishing, Chicago, 2010
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
eBook includes a Tool Card in Action story from real couples who share how these tool
cards enhanced their relationships.
Journaling
Taking the time to do the journaling suggested in the activities is guaranteed to
increase your understanding and use of the tools. Thoroughly engaging in these
activities indicates your commitment to your relationship and, we are sure, the positive
results you will experience. After you have completed the activities and written in your
journal about your results, be sure to use the tool cards over and over as gentle
reminders of ways to keep the joy in your marriage. Reading you journal over and over
will serve as a joyful reminder of the small, but hugely effective things you can do to
Keep the Joy in Your Marriage.
Relationship Map
If you are in the United States and want to go to Canada, it doesn’t make sense to
head south; nor does it make sense to engage in behaviors that keep you from achieving
what you want in your relationship. You will have a more enjoyable journey if you
create a relationship map to guide you to your intended destination—and follow it.
! Couple Activity
6. Together create a list that looks and feels good to both of you.
7. As you created the list you both like, did you end up with more than five things, or
were you able to eliminate some to end up with five? (Either is okay.)
8. Make your joint list special by making a poster or frame and hanging it where you
can both see it every day.
9. Share with each other what you learned from participating in this activity. Make a
commitment to yourself to change at least one behavior that is sabotaging what you
really want into a behavior that is likely to create more joy in your relationship.
10. Create your own “Tool Card in Action” by journaling about your experience.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
view, he may not be treated equally and he may not have adequate freedom! We will
find another time to get into more details.
We finally agreed on the list of ideal relationship as follows:
• Loving
• Equal
• Helping
• Understanding
• Free
• Appreciating
• Trusting
• Sense of Security
• Responsibility
This list opened up a lot more discussion relating to beliefs, values, little things, etc.
Although we did not get to the behavior part, this activity opened a door of open
communication. Even though I felt vulnerable on some topics, I am very happy that we
started to talk about our relationship. Most importantly, he initiated some topics, which
has never happened before. This list gave us a mutual understanding that we can
discuss some issues without immediate defensiveness and conflict. Knowing that we
love each other and we are working together towards the ideal relationship, we are
more accepting and open to each other. This is a good start, and we are looking forward
to moving on to more activities.
Heather and Jason, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Little Things
Too often we skip the little things because we don’t understand how powerful they
can be in a relationship. What seems little to you may be huge to your partner. Little
things make a big difference for Keeping the Joy in Marriage.
! Couple Activity
7. Share and then journal about what you have learned from this activity.
Listen
Adam could try validating Eve’s feelings instead of trying to get her to be reasonable.
What keeps you from listening? Do you interrupt by defending, explaining, or trying to
be helpful with advice? Have you become too distracted and busy in life—forgetting
how you hung on every word your partner said when you were courting?
! Couple Activity
5. Share with each other and then journal about what you learned from this activity.
Before using this card, we both tended to interrupt each other when we were
talking. I also learned I have a hard time with other people being angry or frustrated. I
always want to try to fix their problem.
Following Step 1 on the tool card was really helpful in getting us to look at how we
interrupt with defensiveness, explanations, or advice (a lot). We had a good discussion
about this.
This card helped me realize that I tend to take things personally when they aren't
about me. Practicing Steps 2 and 3 was very helpful in reminding me that what my
husband is saying is about him, not me.
Before using this card, I didn't take the time to listen and assumed I knew what
Frank was going to say. No wonder our conversations sometimes turned into
arguments. Step 4 on the tool card helped me to not assume, and really listen more.
Now our conversations don't turn into arguments (because of assumptions).
Becky and Frank, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Appreciation
Do you sometimes skip appreciation and go for criticism? You can always choose
what you want to focus on—the positive or the negative. What you focus on grows.
Notice what you create in your relationship based on what you choose to focus on. (Several
cards include this theme because it is impossible to have a good relationship without
verbalized appreciation.)
! Couple Activity
You may complain that your partner ignores you. How do you ignore your partner?
You may complain that your partner doesn’t appreciate you. How much time do you
spend appreciating your partner?
6. Decide if you want to share your lists or wait to see if your partner notices a
difference in your behavior.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
7. Make a commitment to verbalize appreciation for your partner at least twice a day.
(Guaranteed to improve your relationship).
"Love and appreciation are identical vibrations. Appreciation is the absence of everything that
feels bad and the presence of everything that feels good. When you focus upon what you want;
(when you tell the story of how you want your life to be) you will come closer and closer to the
vicinity of appreciation, and when you reach it, it will pull you toward all things that you
consider to be good in a very powerful way."
Esther Hicks, is the author (with Jerry Hicks) of Getting Into the Vortex.
Curiosity Questions
Notice the physiology of what happens when you receive a command. Do you feel
your body tense? Do you notice how you want to resist?
Now notice what happens in your body when you are respectfully asked a question?
Do you feel more open? Do you notice that you feel more inclined to search for an
answer? Do you feel more cooperative?
! Couple Activity
6. For the next two weeks notice how often you tell instead of respectfully asking. Put a
dollar in a jar every time you tell instead of ask. How long do you think it will take
to have enough money in the jar for a luxury vacation?
7. Every time you tell think of how you could have asked a curiosity question so you’ll
be prepared for the future.
Trisha to Hank:
Hank feels:
• Put down
• Not respected
• Being told
• “She doesn’t take my priorities into account.”
• “She ignores my needs.”
• “I am tempted to delay my respond or pretend I didn’t hear.”
Hank to Trisha:
Trisha feels:
It makes me feel annoyed, sometimes angry, not wanting to comply. I often end up
saying, “Why don’t you do it yourself!” “Give me a break” “I know what I am
supposed to do,” or, “Why me?” When I do what he tells me, I sometimes feel resentful.
Example:
Hank: Feeling/Thinking/Deciding
Taking the time to journal was for us a way to slow down and think, to look at
things from a different perspective, to take the time for things we considered minor.
Sharing on very specific situations and analyzing them together was, for us, a great
learning experience.
• I realized that I often use, “We need to,” and it is perceived as telling by Hank.
Using a question brings up much better feelings for each of us: I feel more
cooperative and he feels more respected.
• We often leave those little matters unresolved even though they happen on a
daily basis and bring feelings such as irritation, feeling annoyed or unimportant.
We realized that by switching from telling to asking, those feelings could easily
be replaced by feelings of being respected, taken into account, cooperation.
Becoming aware of this at an experiential level was very useful to both of us.
Changing the way we communicate our needs really brings more smoothness to
our everyday life.
• Simple tools such as asking vs. telling make a big difference in the way we
communicate about our daily routines.
• We tell more than we think we do! We realized it is not something we reserve for
our kids! We are just not aware of it; and the funny part is that when we receive
an order, we get the feeling but we don’t always identify where it comes from!
Listening to each other’s list was fun and enlightening!
• We learned a lot when we took the time to make guesses about what our partner
was thinking, feeling and deciding. It is something that we will try to do more
often. Sharing our guesses was also interesting, as we don’t always guess right!
We both felt seen after doing this.
Trisha and Hank, Paris, France
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Couple Meetings
Regular couple meetings could be the most important little thing (only 20 minutes a
week) you can do to keep your relationship vibrant, prevent little problems from getting
bigger, share values, focus on solutions to challenges, and communicate at deep levels
that help you feel heard, loved, and appreciated.
! Couple Activity
6. After a short discussion, brainstorm for solutions. Have fun by including some wild
and crazy ideas.
7. Now eliminate any suggestions that are not respectful, reasonable, or practical.
9. Try the solution for a week. If it doesn’t work, put it back on the agenda and try
again.
10. Plan a date. Get out your calendars and find a time for your next “date night.”
11. End the meeting by doing something together that you both enjoy.
12. Share and journal about what you learned from this activity.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
When asked, “What is your top priority?” you might answer, “My family or my
partner.” If asked, “How do you spend the majority of your time away from work?”
you might answer, “In front of a screen.” Think about that.
! Couple Activity
6. Choose the solutions and activities you agree to, and come up with a plan for
supporting each other through the withdrawal period.
Comment: How difficult would it be for you to give up all screen time (TV, cell phones,
iPods, iPads, computers, video games) for a week? Your answer will let you know the
extent of your addiction.
We decided not to have screen time in bed except for watching movies (we don’t
have TV). Wow, what a surprise, we have so much time to communicate about little
things in our lives; we feel like a new connection happens between us. Good thing we
have couple meetings so we can review how our commitment is going.
We thought that it would be just impossible to stop screen time for a week and we
wouldn’t like it! We need it for our work and we use it a lot in our lives as a tool. That is
how we found out about the Positive Discipline…on Facebook! We are certainly very
addicted!
Nadine and Bernard, Paris, France
Too often we judge ourselves and each other for the way we behave when we are
upset or angry. Positive Time-Out (next card) provides a way to calm down (self-soothe)
so you can “act” from your heart instead of “reacting” from your midbrain.
! Couple Activity
5. Be sure to follow this activity with the Positive Time-Out card and activity.
When you understand the brain, you will appreciate the importance of having and
using self-soothing methods during times of conflict (although living on separate coasts
is a little extreme).
! Couple Activity
to one another, but it also adds the bonus of spending quality time together by doing
things we both love."
John and Kate also acknowledged that by walking around their neighborhood to
problem solve, they were forced to stay calm and speak quietly so their neighbors
couldn't hear them arguing.
Not only does this tool card teach us that when we feel better we do much better; it
reminds us to practice connecting before correcting.
Mistakes
What were you taught about mistakes during your childhood? Any of these ideas:
“Mistakes are bad? You shouldn’t make mistakes. You are stupid, bad, inadequate, or a
failure if you make mistakes. If you make a mistake don’t let people find out. If they do,
make up an excuse even if it isn’t true.”
When you learn to be more forgiving of your own mistakes, and see them as
opportunities to learn, you will also be more forgiving of the mistakes made by your
partner.
! Couple Activity
6. Share with your partner what you have learned from doing this activity.
Comment: Sometimes mistakes require that you make amends where possible, and at
least apologize when amends are not possible. Anyone can make mistakes, but it takes a
secure person to say, “I was wrong and I’m sorry.” (See Make Amends and
Responsibility cards.)
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
she was able to see that Dave was actually concerned for her health and wanted her to
be able to rest and get better. As the conversation progressed, she began to see him less
as the boss and more as the loving husband she knew him to be.
Dave was then able to realize his mistake and decided that instead of ordering Kristin
to take the following day off work and insisting that he knew best, he could have let her
know how worried he was about her health. He also felt he might have showed more
empathy for her lingering cold by acknowledging how it felt to be sick for so long.
Once Dave validated Kristin’s feelings and expressed his own, he realized it might have
been more appropriate to use Curiosity Questions to help Kristin explore options to
solving her own problem. He asked Kristin if it would have felt better to have asked if
she thought it would be helpful to take a few days off work. This talk reminded Dave
that he didn’t always need to be in control, and that Kristin was very capable of making
her own decisions with his loving support.
Once Dave and Kristin were calm they were able to see their part in contributing to
the argument, and take responsibility. They were each able to share what they might do
differently next time.
Dave and Kristin felt much more connected, loving and forgiving after each had
taken responsibility for their part in the argument instead of trying to be right and make
the other person pay. It gave them both an opportunity to see the argument from each
other’s perspective and separate realities.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Special Time
During courtship, spending time with your beloved is top priority. Too often you
may allow your marriage to suffer while you make other things (such as TV, the kids,
hobbies, or work) your priority. Of course these other interests are important (especially
the kids), but they will all be more enjoyable when you have joy in your marriage. Even
kids feel safer and happier when your marriage comes first and they come a very close
second.
! Couple Activity
5. Get out your calendars and schedule routine special time together. Make this a final
part of your regular couples meeting every week.
6. Spend some time planning about your next Bucket List adventure.
7. Journal about the difference this activity creates in your relationship, and then share
with each other.
A year ago we agreed to meet for lunch every Friday while the boys were in school.
We decided that it could be our date day, even if it meant just running errands together.
These Fridays were great and were the most important appointment on the schedule,
until we had our 3rd baby. We needed to ask Grandma to babysit, or would eat lunch
while our baby napped in his stroller. Sometimes it just seemed like too much trouble.
By going over this tool card, we were able to re-appreciate the time we had and to
focus and plan our future time together. We both agreed that we noticed how our
relationship felt a little off and like less of a priority when we weren't meeting for our
special time.
When we made our Fun Things To Do lists, I was surprised that Mike listed a
pottery class and a cooking class. (I would have put these things on my list had I
thought he'd actually do it). I was also surprised by his willingness to enthusiastically
commit to yoga and a picnic that was on my list. Even more surprising was when he
asked me to get out our calendars and pick dates for the fun things we had listed.
The last thing we talked about was the special time and memories we would create
for our family. Sunday has always been our family day and it usually involves going
somewhere. We both decided that we would rotate our Sundays between going places
twice a month, having friends over once a month, and working on household chores the
final week.
Once again, this tool card brought so much more than a chance to talk about special
time. It gave us the chance to plan and communicate other important expectations and
ideas in a non-defensive and loving atmosphere.
Laney and Mike, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Have Faith
You may hurt each other when you take something the wrong way, or say
something in the wrong tone of voice. Have faith in who you (and your partner) really
are when not coming from the fight/flight part of your brains. With this knowledge you
can offer compassion and encouragement to each other instead of getting hooked into
your own reptilian brain. Your partner can be your greatest teacher if (instead of
reacting) you come from your heart and ask for clarification.
! Couple Activity
7. Share and journal about what you have learned from this activity.
This card was a huge wakeup call for Jeanette. She realized that she did forget (lose
faith) in whom Brad really is when her feelings got hurt. The next time he hurt her
feelings she said, “That hurt my feelings; is that what you meant to do?”
Brad looked genuinely surprised and said, “No. I don’t want to hurt your feelings,
but I can understand why what I said hurt you.”
Jeanette followed, by saying, “I think I know what I did that may have hurt your
feelings and invited you to strike back. Did you feel hurt when I criticized your driving?”
Brad realized it did hurt his feelings, and was just waiting for a chance to get back; a
chance to make her feel wrong the way he felt.
After this discussion they both decided they would have more faith in each other
and would take more responsibility for their actions and reactions. This created a spiral
of focusing on what they loved about each other.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Share Expectations
Do you get upset when your partner can’t read your mind? Are you ready to
acknowledge how ridiculous this is? Instead of punishing your partner for not knowing
what you want, tell him or her. Remember that the feeling behind what you say is more
important than what you say. Make sure your tone of voice is respectful and loving of
yourself and your partner.
! Couple Activity
6. Agree to give and accept reminders graciously because you know that what you
want may not be on your partner’s top list of priorities.
7. Make a commitment to give your partner what he or she wants as often as you can.
8. Share and then journal about what you have learned from this activity.
relatively unknown part of town and choose a suitable place for a drink & dinner. After
walking for a time, we ended up in a bar, but it was very crowded and I suggested
finding a quieter one. So we doubled back and found one with tables inside as opposed
to outside facing the harbor. So Penny was disappointed when we sat down to start
doing Share Expectations, and we burst out laughing when we read the first point: Do
not expect your partner to read your mind? I guess after 15 years together, there is a
certain expectation that each will do just that, which of course is dangerous and subject
to just the incident above. If Penny had said to me, 'Honey, I really want to be outside,”
then I would have never suggested the 2nd choice bar.
We had an interesting discussion about reminders. I tend to get defensive when
Penny reminds me about a certain agreements, etc. I'm sure it taps into my inner critic!
Anyway, I wouldn't change anything, as the instructions on the card are fine. It’s just me
that needs to get over it!
Bart and Penny, Sydney, Australia
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Male/Female Brains
Men often take things literally and say what they mean, except when they get into
their men are supposed to protect women mentality and don’t want to tell her what is going
on so she won’t have to be upset. Women often think men should know what they want
(see the Share Expectations Card): “If he really loved me he would know.” (Of course,
these roles can be reversed.) This tool card can help you rise above cultural stereotypes,
hormones, and other excuses that keep your from being respectful to your partner and
yourself.
! Couple Activity
3. When you understand different ways men and woman may process information and
communication, what changes would you be willing to make to improve your
relationship? Hint: Tell him what you want. Tell her what is going on and let her
have her feelings.
4. Share what you learned from journaling and discuss what changes you are willing to
make based on your new understanding.
Tessa became furious. She grabbed his piece of paper and crumpled it with hers and
threw them in the waste basket while yelling. “What difference does it make? If our
marriage isn’t important enough to you to take whatever time it takes, then forget the
whole thing.”
Brandon was stunned. “I didn’t mean I didn’t want to take as much time as it would
take. I just wondered how long it might take.”
Tessa could not accept his explanation. She was sure he didn’t care enough about her
or their marriage. So they stopped working with the cards—for six months, when Tessa
was able to laugh at herself, share this story, and start again.
Tessa and Brandon, Jackson, MS
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
I Notice
If you have a habit of nagging, how is it working for you? Does nagging help you
feel better? Does nagging change your partner? Do you like yourself when you are
nagging? Are you willing to do something that might be more effective?
! Couple Activity
1. Journal about a time you felt annoyed and
nagged at your partner about something
you wanted him or her to change.
5. Ask your partner to give you feedback on how kindly saying what you notice would
work for him or her. (See Nonverbal Signals and Focus on Solutions.)
After: Becky decided to use an, "I Notice," statement when she next talked with
Frank about the sink. She spoke in a nonjudgmental way about the sink by saying, "I
notice that the sink is still clogged." He then apologized about not taking care of it
sooner, saying it was a messy and smelly job and that's why he was kind of putting it
off. Becky and Frank were then able to have a productive discussion and make an
agreement on how to keep the sink from becoming clogged again so soon in the future.
Frank cleaned out the sink.
Becky and Frank, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Non-Verbal Signals
What are the nonverbal messages of the couple in the cartoon? Are you aware of
your nonverbal signals? Keep romance alive by creating your own love language with
nonverbal signals.
! Couple Activity
4. Think of at least one nonverbal signal that has nothing to do with conflict—just your
own special way of saying, “I love you,” without words.
5. Share with each other what you have learned from this activity.
Conflict Patterns: Being married for 45 years has its’ advantages. Our conflict patterns have
been modified a lot just by living together and working through them. It’s mostly when we get
sloppy or stressed out that we notice them creeping in again. BUT, there is one thing that we agree
is a doozey, because of our opposite temperaments and personality styles presents itself
regularly!
Mary tends to want to get things done before she even says we need to do them! Gary is
comfortable getting them done in good time.
Mary works on several projects at one time, or several elements of a mutual project. Gary
prefers to work on one thing from start to finish.
Mary takes on more than she should (her words!). Gary takes on less than he can. (his
words!)
Growing Together
You don’t have to be the same to be happy together. (See Differences Card)
However, your relationship will be enhanced if you grow together in areas of mutual
interest, while supporting each others individual growth.
! Couple Activity
6. Make a commitment to one change you are willing to make that will enhance your
personal growth and bring more joy to your relationship.
family involves others and working together and planning together. In this activity we
looked at our individual goals and our individual process in a way that made it
comfortable and respectful to focus on personal growth.
Notes about what were learned about ourselves through this activity
Heather: I am learning that many of my goals are not new and they are goals that
tend to cycle back into my life constantly. Many of my goals have a significant impact
on how I show up in the world. I have ideas and knowledge about how to follow
through with these goals but don’t seem to be able to reach them. Brainstorming what I
am doing and could be doing was helpful in this case. The things that could help me
step into my best self will also help me be a better wife, mother, friend and family
member. I also learned that I share many goals with Jason so I am excited to focus on
how we can support each other on those goals.
Jason: I am learning that as I am getting older I need to plan more. I feel better when
I plan and have structure, and that flying by the seat of my pants isn’t really working
for me anymore…or it’s not getting me to where I would like to be. I feel happier when
I have structure and plans. I also notice that many of my personal growth goals revolve
around living longer and having more time with the people I love most in the world. I
want to be a provider and balance the stress while helping and spending more time
with my family.
Heather and Jason, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Eye to Eye
If the woman in the cartoon took the time to sit down and look her husband in the
eye, could she use such a blatantly ridiculous excuse? What is your excuse for avoiding
eye contact?
! Couple Activity
6. Share with each other what you have learned from this activity.
7. Assuming you have made a commitment to look into your partner’s eyes before
speaking, journal about the results in your relationship after you have kept your
commitment for a week, and again for a month.
So often communication, especially between new parents, goes into that data
exchange—who fed the baby, when does he need to be changed, who's cooking.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Goodbyes and Hellos are big for the babies and then kids, but parents often barely
acknowledge those moments. Amazing connection builds when we look at each other!
Sarina
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Pay Attention
It is common to put your partner at the top of your pay attention list during
courtship and then near the bottom of your attention list when the honeymoon is over.
Why is this? Instead of trying to solve this mystery, just make a commitment to keep
your partner at the top of your attention list.
! Couple Activity
6. What is your partner paying more attention to? List each activity or person followed
by a number between 1-10. How do you feel about this?
7. Take turns sharing with each other what you have learned from this activity. The
partner who listens is to do so without defensiveness—just interest in what the other
thinks and feels.
8. Decide together what you will do in the future regarding paying attention.
When I asked him how he would rate me, he also gave me a 7, but said that was
totally fine with him. He said, "I know it isn't realistic to be higher then that considering
our life."
I asked him if he'd be willing to try to get my scale of him up to a 7? He laughed
because he thought he was already there. Still, he was willing so I gave him a few
examples of how I would like him to pay attention.
1. When I come home from work, ask me how my day was (even though we've
already agreed that I won't give him specific details).
2. Be in the kitchen with me instead of on the couch. (I do this with him and get
disappointed when he doesn't naturally do it with me). Mike shared that he's so
physically and mentally drained from watching all the boys for 5+ hours while I’m
working, that by the time I walk in the door he completely clocks out/checks out.
3. We agreed to talk first by sharing each of our high and low points of the day
before the TV goes on. (Already this has opened up a lot more connecting and
conversation). I've been reminded again that timing is such a huge factor with these
tools, as well as our perceptions and communicating.
This tool led us back to a few of the other tools that we had already worked on such
as special time, couples meetings and admiration and compliments. I feel that he pays
attention when we do all of the above.
4. We agreed to make sure our Friday lunches were the most important meeting on
our schedule.
Overall, I appreciated the dialogue this opened and, once again, I'm feeling more
connected to my husband. I love these tool cards.
Laney and Mike, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Money Matters
Many couples do not take time to talk about money before they get married and
later learn that they have different values that create conflict. Many haven’t even
thought about their own values and use magical thinking about money—not realizing
the trouble they can get into when they don’t think about the consequences of their
choices.
! Couple Activity
5. Take turns sharing what you have written so far—just listening to each other for
now.
6. Now time travel to the present. Journal about your current values and goals about
money. Be sure to include the benefits and the problems you experience based on
your values and goals—or lack thereof. Then journal about what you would like to
change. What values and goals do you think would enhance your life and your
relationship.
7. Share again, first just listening. Then move into brainstorming for solutions that
work for both of you
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Natural Consequences
Natural consequences happen as a result of choices you make. If you forget your
coat, you get cold. If you don’t get enough sleep, you may be tired the next day. If you
don’t look at a map or ask for directions, you might get lost. If you insert the wrong
dentures, your mouth hurts.
! Couple Activity:
4. Share with each other what kind of response you would appreciate when you make
a choice that doesn’t turn out so well.
5. Journal about what you learned from this activity and what you plan to do in the
future.
I have been an "I told you so" wife for 18 years. I thought it was a part of the wife's
job description to point out the result of my husbands' poor decision making—not
realizing how terrible it made us both feel. Letting the mistake play itself out was not an
option in my mind because I would be too busy making sure he knew exactly how I felt
about what went wrong.
I now know that it wasn't helpful to him when I would point it out; and it certainly
didn't help solve the problem. No surprise that when I made a mistake he was just as
quick to judge.
When we discovered that we were mostly upset because we didn't want to
disappoint each other or felt like we had let the other person down, we could focus on
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
showing empathy or offering a hug. It's okay to allow for each other to experience the
consequences of our own mistakes without making each other feel worse.
Tanya and Ken, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Acceptance
We're at a place in our relationship where we really believe in this card. We've
previously experienced the pain when you aren't accepting and supportive of your
partner.
Becky and Frank, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
! Couple Activity:
4. Keep in mind that true forgiveness does not include judgment and self-
righteousness: See how wonderful I am for forgiving you for being such a terrible person.
5. What will your life be like if you do forgive and let go?
6. Share what you have written with your partner only if you can do so from a loving
heart.
7. Some hurts are so deep that you may need the help of a therapist. If you want to be
happy, get help with letting go.
Sue was too hurt and angry to see that it was her thoughts about this situation that
made her miserable. Fortunately, she chose a wise attorney, who asked, “Do you really
want to hurt him in the worst way possible?”
“Yes.”
The attorney said, “Then go back and live with him for six months. Be the very best
wife you can imagine. Be loving, compassionate, understanding, forgiving, affectionate,
and fun. He will feel lucky and will start loving you very much. In six months you can
start the divorce proceedings and he will feel extremely hurt emotionally and
financially.”
Sue objected, “I couldn’t stand to live with him for six more months after what he
did.”
“Well, then you must not really want to hurt him in the worst way possible.”
“Oh, yes I do,” Sue said. “I will do it.”
Two years later, the attorney saw Sue walking down a street. He asked, “What
happened? I thought you were going to come back for a divorce.”
Sue replied, “Are you kidding? He is the most wonderful man in the world. I
wouldn’t even think of leaving him.” She must have done such a good job acting loving
that she soon forgot it was an act and started enjoying the good feelings. Good feelings
are extremely contagious, creating more good feelings in people who come in contact
with them. People do change in an atmosphere of giving and receiving unconditional
love.
Focus on Solutions
Are you looking for blame or solutions? When you focus on blame you get to feel
self-righteous. “Look how good I am and how bad you are?” Is that true. Are you really
a perfect person who just happens to be stuck with an imperfect person? A foundation
principle of Positive Discipline is to focus on solutions. It works in marriages too.
! Couple Activity
"Always remember that through the turmoil love may bring, the heart sees what the
eyes cannot."
- Anonymous
Kristin was able to hear that Dave felt overwhelmed and tired when discussions
went on too long and the same point was reiterated over and over. Dave was able to
hear that Kristen felt cut-off and dismissed when Dave angrily stated that they needed
to agree to disagree. This terse statement felt to her like he was saying, “Shut up. Your
opinion doesn’t matter to me.” They brainstormed for ideas on how to solve this
problem. Some of the ideas suggested were:
• Agree to set a time limit on discussions that have the potential to get heated.
• Agree that the topic can be revisited after a reasonable amount of time (mutual
decision on how long) has passed and both have had plenty of time to cool off.
• Agree to listen without interrupting until the other person finishes talking.
• Both restate, in their own words, what they heard the other person saying.
• Don’t bring up serious topics for discussion before bed.
They agreed to try all the suggestions except for the restating, as this might add to
the length of the agreed upon time limit. They decided to try out the solutions for a
week and then discuss how well they both felt they were working. After one week they
felt that the new rules were working quite well. Although, it was hard for Kristin to limit
discussions to the time limit, she was finding that by respecting Dave’s need for shorter
talks, he was paying closer attention to what she was saying and making more eye
contact. The discussions ended on a more positive note and they felt more connected
and loving.
Kristin and Dave, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
! Couple Activity
4. When you have decided what you will do, and when you are feeling loving and
respectful, let your partner know what it is.
You can guess the rest. Bruce would get anxious and annoyed when Janet’s last
minute tasks caused them to be late. Finally Bruce let Janet know that he would leave
on time and she could take her time and arrive as late as she wanted.
Because Bruce let her know with kindness and firmness, Janet felt inspired to be
more prompt—sometimes. When she was late, she took her own car and knew it was
her choice. She admired Bruce for his willingness to decide what worked for him
without blaming her.
Bruce and Janet, Utah
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Household Chores
Many years ago, there was an article in MS Magazine about a couple who had lived
together for 5 years. They did not fall into traditional role expectations—until after they
got married. Then he expected her to assume traditional female roles, and she expected
him to assume traditional male roles—as though these roles were attached to the
marriage license. Within three months they had built up so much resentment that they
were discussing divorce.
! Couple Activity:
6. Decide on a rotation plan or whatever household chore schedule feels right and
respectful to both of you.
7. Discuss what you learned from this activity and record it in your journal.
8. Household chores may be an issue that you will want to revisit often during your
couple meetings where it can be discussed respectfully to find solutions.
Jason’s Journal
• Mom did everything in the house: cooked, cleaned, laundry, shopped, bills, etc.
• Stepdad did everything outside the house: chopped wood, worked on cars but never fixed
them, barbecued, yard work.
• Dad wasn’t really around much.
• Feelings: comforted
• Beliefs/Decisions: Women handle the house. Men handle outside stuff.
• Ahas: Everyone worked. Men were mostly absent from my life. Yard work and other
household chores were punishment in our family. Mother was the only consistent
person in my life.
Heather’s Journal
• Dad was the bread winner in my perception. Although I remember my mother working
very hard but didn’t seem to perceive her work as important as my father’s work.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
• I remember both of my parents working very hard and they were often gone from the
house during middle and high school ages.
• My father cut wood, killed and skinned snakes, built decks, worked on our houses,
worked on the cars etc.
• My mom worked on things that had to do with my sister and I. Clothes, hair, dance
classes, etc.
• We often cleaned as a family with loud music and it seemed fun.
• Feelings: lonely because my parents were gone and busy a lot
• Beliefs/Decisions: Dad does the tough work/big jobs, and everyone works hard and
chips in. When things get crazy or busy everyone works hard. It is expected for
everyone to be busy and working. There are clear roles for women and for men. “Ladies
only act calm, only sit carefully, etc.”
• Ahas: I stay busy and tend to see others as lazy if they are not working and doing
something around the house as often as possible.
Discussion
Cleaning and housework were punishments in Jason’s family. It was not made to be part of
the family or seen as a contribution for each family member. Jason realized that as he became an
adult, his confidence and feelings of capability to handle adult chores, which included
managing his life as an adult (money, shopping, employment), was significantly impacted. He
felt it took him many years in his adult life to figure out how to manage his home and take care
of himself effectively. Jason noted that this invited feelings of anger, shame and even shyness or
a lack of confidence.
I realized that I too had difficulty with those things that seemed to be my dad’s role.
Cleaning house may not always be fun but the message I learned was that household chores
were a family’s responsibility.
Jason and I discovered that some of the role expectations we adopted from our childhoods
were okay for us in our family, and some of the jobs we have assigned to each other and
ourselves work for us and it feels okay.
In our discussion we discovered that it was important to both of us that we model for our
daughter that household chores are what we do as a family to take care of each other and our
home for the greater good of the family. We don’t want her to feel that cleaning or taking care of
our responsibilities within the family are punishments. We want her to feel capable, responsible
and empowered now and when it comes time to take care of life’s obstacles and chores on her
own.
Respectful Solutions
We came up with a list of chores that feel respectful for each of us. We wrote them out and
put them on the fridge. We truly appreciated getting it all out on the table so we weren’t second
guessing who will do what. In addition, we were grateful to actually have a plan in place for
how chores will get done. We look forward to readdressing our list as needed.
Finally, although this activity appeared fairly simple it helped me to realize how much I
appreciate my husband. Understanding how much he has grown and learned on his own as an
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
adult helps me to connect to my true gratitude for having him in my life and that we can learn
and grow with each other. Amazing!
Heather and Jason, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Parenting
Differing parenting styles usually don’t show up until after the children arrive. One
has a tendency to be too kind (lenient, permissive). The other has a tendency to be too
firm (strict, controlling). The lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be more lenient to
make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be
more strict to make up for the wishy-washy lenient parent—so they get further and
further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. They are both wrong.
! Couple Activity:
5. You can avoid the negatives of being too kind, and the negatives of being to firm, by
being both kind and firm at the same time.
6. Taking a Positive Discipline parenting class (or at least reading a Positive Discipline
book) will provide many tools for being both kind and firm.
Comment: One of the most important things you can do for your children is to provide
them with a model of a respectful, loving, and happy relationship. Many parents have
different parenting styles and children are quick to learn how to play them against each
other. Parenting with the same philosophy is one of the surest ways to provide a model
of respectful and loving cooperation.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Sense of Humor
In the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to enjoy each other and laugh a lot.
Clue: A sense of humor comes from the heart. If you are not laughing and having fun,
notice how much you are coming from your head instead of your heart.
! Couple Activity
4. Make a commitment to use humor that is respectful and funny to both of you.
We decided to:
It's been several weeks and we've been laughing and joking and really having fun.
Just another prime example that these tool cards work and that they truly do Keep the
Joy in Marriage!
Laney and Mike, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
When you choose to respond by acting instead of reacting, you will feel better almost
instantaneously. Acting comes from your rational brain (and even better when it comes
from your heart). Reacting comes from your midbrain. Acting energy is likely to inspire
your partner to feel better too, but not if that is your expectation.
! Couple Activity:
6. Decide on a signal you can give each other that will remind you to act instead of
react?
7. Share with each other what you learned from this activity.
Comment: On an Oprah Super Soul Sunday program, Deepak Chopra shared that he
has not reacted for over 40 years. He was able to stop reacting when he started observing
his desire to react and then chose not to.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
It was Jeff’s turn to get 3-year-old Jon and 5-year-old Jacob dressed, fed, and off to
school one morning. Julie had an early appointment and was looking forward to a
leisurely cup of coffee on her way to her meeting. However, Jeff called in the middle of
her coffee break and was extremely upset. He was yelling epithets about how hard it
was to get the kids to cooperate, and wondering why he ever had kids, etc., etc., etc.
Julie was extremely annoyed as she decided to cancel her meeting and rush home to
rescue Jeff. While driving home she was filled with resentment, wondering why she
always had to be the one to take care of everything, and why she ever got married. After
venting for a few minutes she realized she was angry at Jeff for not controlling his
behavior when she wasn’t controlling her own.
She put her hand on her heart and started feeling compassion for Jeff. She thought
about how much Jeff loved his children. She remembered that he is usually one of the
best fathers she knows. She thought about all the pressures he had been experiencing in
the past few days. She knew he didn’t mean any of the things he said; and she
remembered how much she loves him.
When she got home she gave Jeff a hug and said, “I’m so sorry for all the stress you
are having. How can I help?”
Jeff wasn’t through ranting and raving.
Julie took the kids outside to give Jeff some time.
It wasn’t long before Jeff calmed down and expressed appreciation for how
understanding and loving Julie had been. Together they decided to let the kids skip
school for the day so they could have a family day. This is exactly what they all needed
to reduce the stress and nurture their love.
Julie and Jeff California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Happiness
Romantic songs, movies, and novels, promote the idea that someone else can make
you happy. This could be one reason so many marriages fail. The activity may help you
understand why.
Sometimes (as indicated in the cartoon), the possibility for happiness is right in front
of you and you don’t see it.
! Couple Activity:
5. Share what you wrote with each other, as well as what you learned from this activity.
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make
ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same."
Carlos Castaneda
and act lovingly and friendly, which invites laughter, smiles and love in return. In other
words, you get what you give. We also realized that you attract who you are.
We continued to share what we thought made each other happy and why. For
example, I always believed that golfing was what made Mike happy and this is why I
always supported his love for the game.
He confessed that golf wasn't on his list of what makes him happy. I confessed that I
didn't love him playing golf every week but I was supportive because I thought it made
him happy.
I was shocked when he shared that it makes him happy when he sets goals and
accomplishes them. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I've always thought he was
the King of procrastination and that his projects/goals weren't as important to him as
they were to me. Mike has a list of unfinished projects. Hearing this helped me reflect
on our 17 years together, and I was able to recall that he was actually happier when he
was working on projects instead of golfing.
We were able to come up with a plan, in a non-defensive, fun loving and happy way,
to work on projects together. I shared that I am more relaxed and happy in the home
when it isn't a disaster. I also told him how much I appreciate all of his support for all of
my adventures: my education, career, running marathons spending time with friends
and planning events. These things make me happy. He said, "I know, and that's why I
want you to do those things and that's why I cleaned yesterday." (Smile)
He ended our discussion by saying, "Happiness is giving to someone without
expecting anything in return." I piggy backed his comment by saying, "It's that actual
gift of giving." We were able to agree that each of us is happiest when each of us is
happy. I guess you really do get what you give.
Mike remembered an older gentleman who told him before we got married, 11-years
ago, that he had a great saying that goes...Happy Wife, Happy Life! He smiled and said,
"So true!"
Laney and Mike, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Partnership
You may remember the days when men and women were delegated to roles
determined by some mysterious committee (society, culture). In many cases, women
now work full time and are still expected to be in charge of most household
responsibilities—including taking care of the kids. Men may be expected to work outside the
home when they would prefer to stay home and take care of cooking, cleaning, and kids.
Times have changed. We now live in a society where everyone wants and expects to
be treated with equality, dignity, and respect. (See Household Chores.)
! Couple Activity
4. Keep in mind that it is okay to keep traditional roles if both agree this is what you
want to do—so there is no resentment.
5. It may be difficult to resolve gender roles that you have grown up with, so keep
discussing whenever you realize you are feeling resentful about roles in your
relationship.
We set aside time to read our goals to each other and asked how we could support
each other. We both concluded that if each shared the chores and income generation that
we would be satisfied and could handle our own goals.
When we did our journaling and reflecting about our goals and our relationship and
wanting each to be the perfect partner, we discovered something sad and interesting.
Both of us had written nothing in our goals about our relationship. Most of our 15 years
of marriage we have been either in a couples’ group or in therapy just to keep invested
in our marriage. We are not in either at the moment. Our group of three couples recently
shrunk to two couples and we still meet. It is supportive and helpful and not the same.
We each quickly realized that we hadn’t been investing enough time, energy, or
intention on our relationship. Within hours we both re-upped our strong commitment
to our relationship and noticed a significant difference in our behaviors and the
outcome.
WHAT A RELIEF and JOY!
Marti and Dane, Idaho
Perception
Many people don’t understand that their perception of the world is filtered through
the beliefs they formed in childhood. Childhood memory work can help you
understand how some of these beliefs were formed. Your life becomes richer when you
are willing to stop taking your thoughts (beliefs) seriously, and see the world from your
heart.
! Couple Activity:
5. Close you eyes and let you heart suggest a new belief.
6. Journal about what you learned and then share with your partner.
"As you inquire into issues and turn judgments around, you come to see that every
perceived problem appearing "out there" is really nothing more than a misperception
within your own thinking."
Byron Katie
Marilyn had also admired Jordan for his quiet, easy-going dependability; he had
been in the same job for twelve years, and she could set her clock by his departure and
arrival. After a few years of marriage, she started seeing him as boring and lacking in
ambition. During their courtship, she had loved his flexibility and willingness to go
along with all her suggestions. Later, she saw him as a follower, without an original
thought in his head.
Marilyn divorced Jordan and married Steve, who was aggressive, ambitious, and
opinionated. At first Marilyn admired these virtues in Steve and felt lucky to be married
to an exciting man who knew what he wanted and where he was going. She felt
protected and taken care of. Later, however, she saw him as controlling and unyielding,
because he would not do what she wanted him to do. Instead of feeling protected, she
felt dominated and not taken seriously.
If Marilyn married 20 times, it is likely she would start out seeing virtues in each
husband until she changed her perception and saw only faults.
Responsibility
Defensive responsibility (like the man in the cartoon) is not the kind of
responsibility that improves relationships. It takes maturity and personal growth to be
willing to take personal responsibility for what you create in your relationship. It would
be nice if your partner also took responsibility, but you can’t control others.
! Couple Activity:
4. If your energy is negative, what do you need to think and/or do to change your
energy? Write it down.
5. Share with your partner what you learned from this activity.
Tool Card in Action
Laney felt resentful that Mike spent so much time relaxing on the couch when she
was busy cleaning the house. She wanted him to help her. Her therapist asked her some
questions to help her think more deeply about taking responsibility for what she
creates:
Therapist: When Mike is relaxing and you are cleaning, what are you thinking?
Laney: That he is lazy and doesn’t care about me and my feelings.
Therapist: When you think that, how do you feel?
Laney: Hurt, angry and disgusted.
Therapist: Is there anything you do that invites him to feel hurt, angry and
disgusted?
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Laney: Well, he gets very annoyed and puts me down when I am not mindful and
lose things. He doesn’t like the way I drive and feels hurt that I don’t take his advice.
Therapist: What do you think he is thinking about you during these times?
Laney: That he wishes I would be different. Maybe he wishes he hadn’t married me.
Wow, I can see that he probably feels as hurt when I want him to be different as I feel
when he wants me to be different. I feel bad enough about myself when I make
mistakes. I don’t need to hear it from him. I’m sure he feels the same way.
Therapist: What do you wish he would do when you lose something or don’t drive
the way he likes?
Laney: I wish he would understand how stressed I am with all I have to do and that
he would be kind and gentle and help me when I lose something. I wish he would have
faith in my driving even though it is not the same style as his. And, I could do better at
taking his advice instead of feeling resentful.
Therapist: What do you think Mike would like when he is relaxing on the couch?
Laney: Okay, I get it. He would like me to understand how hard he has worked at
two stressful jobs; and he would love it if I would bring him lemonade and rub his
head? He would love it if I would accept that he has a different style from me and if I
would focus on his wonderful qualities.
Therapist: How do you feel about him and yourself when you think about doing
that?
Laney: Loving and grateful that I am married to such a good man. I can see how
silly it is for me to want someone to love me unconditionally, faults and all, if I’m not
willing to do the same, I can hardly wait for him to lay on the couch again so I can bring
him lemonade and rub his head.
Laney and Mike, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Differences
A person’s faults are the price you pay for his or her virtues. 3
! Couple Activity:
6. What you focus on expands. Do you focus on the virtue or the fault of your partner’s
qualities? Write down examples.
7. Share the insights you have gained from this activity? What will you do differently
based on your new insights?Are you willing to adopt your old attitudes—the ones
you had when you first met?
Tool Card in Action (an excerpt from the book Serenity, by Jane Nelsen
Phil and Lisa experienced separate realities soon after they were married. Phil was
an early bird; he loved getting up at dawn full of energy and ready to enjoy the day.
Every morning he bounded out of bed and sang loudly in the shower, hoping Lisa
would wake up. Noticing her still in bed with the covers pulled over her head, he
would noisily bounce on the bed as he put on his shoes and socks, thinking, “If she
really loved me, she would get up and enjoy this time with me.”
Lisa, totally annoyed at what she saw as his inconsiderateness, would be thinking, “If
he really loved me, he would know I hate getting up early and would be quiet and let
me sleep.”
They often discussed their differences, but neither really heard each other because
they were more interested in changing each other than in understanding each other.
Both felt as though they were talking to a wall as they tried to make their points. What
they did not realize is that they were talking to two walls—the wall of their own reality
and the wall of the other’s reality.
Christmases were a disaster. When Lisa was growing up, everyone in her family had
received one very nice, expensive present for Christmas. In Phil’s family everyone had
enjoyed the fun of opening several inexpensive presents. So Lisa would buy Phil one
nice, expensive present, and Phil would buy Lisa several inexpensive presents. Every
Christmas they felt disappointed and misunderstood, each thinking that the other was
too dense to know how to really enjoy Christmas.
We may be amused at Phil and Lisa for not seeing how simply they could solve their
problems by respecting their separate realities instead of by trying to change each other.
Nonetheless, when dealing with our own precious beliefs, we are often just as blind.
Make Amends
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be loved and loving? The need to be
right might provide short satisfaction to the ego, but it will lead to loneliness for the
heart and soul. (See Letting Go)
! Couple Activity:
Well, when his father arrived, that's where he put his stuff. He gave all the reasons
why he wanted to stay downstairs. After Mike left for work he called me and said that
he didn't want him sleeping in our office and that he wanted him upstairs. I was
annoyed because if he was so adamant about where his father slept then why didn't he
take charge and set him up. When I tried to remind him of what he had said about him
staying where he's comfortable he got frustrated with me and hung up.
After discussing our tool card we were able to figure out that Mike felt like his father
was controlling him, which is what he remembers from his childhood. Mike was
resisting and feeling even more annoyed because it is in our home and yet his Dad is
still telling him how it is going to be. (Our interpretation)
Meanwhile this tool card brought up an entire dialogue about his childhood and
parenting. The conversation was extremely special to me because Mike doesn't talk
about his childhood very often and I felt like he was discovering something new about
himself and so was I.
Romance
Romance can be in the eye of the beholder. Some might see it as very romantic to
give your partner a surprise instead of finding out what your partner wants.
! Couple Activity:
6. Make a commitment to revive or continue the romantic practices you can both agree
to, and add them to your calendars in a color that indicates “most important thing
on my calendar” (along with daily appreciations and weekly couple meetings).
To me, romance is a sort of magic interaction that happens when two people are
attracted to each other: their bodies, minds and souls dance on the same rhythm.
Romance makes me feel like I am special, seen and wanted. It is also the ability to see
the beautiful side of my partner and celebrate it. I feel that romance is not as present in
our relationship as I would like it to be. We are both passionate people with a very good
potential for romance!
Hank: What romance means to me:
Special time when we are both connected to each other. When we can give and
receive at the same time in a loving, caring fashion. Desire to seduce and be seduced.
There is not enough time and room for romance in our relationship right now. Romance
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
is rare. Almost as if it was not a priority anymore. It would take very little to be alive
again.
Tricia:
Trishia:
• One romantic evening without kids once a week (one to one time to do
whatever we feel like).
• Surprises: little things that show that Hank had me in mind during the day.
Hank:
The strange thing is that it took us forever to go through this card .... and the reason
was ... a lack of time! Both of us wanted to make it a priority but our crazy schedules
were running the show. Recently, we even tried to take a weekend off to go to a
European main city we really wanted to visit but couldn’t find a time that would work
for both of us and for the kids. At first, when we started discussing romance, it felt sad
to think that we had to struggle to keep romance alive in our couple relationship when
it was so easy and naturally happening in the past. No need to discuss it back then!
Discussing it together made us slow down and share about how to take small steps
to keep what mattered to us alive and present despite our schedules. I realized that our
understanding of what romance meant, was pretty close, not only in words but also in
actions. We want the same thing and it is our responsibility to make it happen on a daily
basis. Quite challenging but possible. We already do it, but not as often. Making more
room for it will be our goal knowing that we also need more compassion for what we
are able to do now. Both Hank and I have a strong superiority top card and ... it’s often
never enough. We are not where we were 20 years ago and it’s okay because our lives
are filled with so many amazing things.
Hank:
Despite little time to discuss personal and romance matters, it is helpful to realize
that we are very much in line on how to get more romance back in our lives. It’s hard to
treat romance like a business meeting. Romance is not on a schedule. We have to find a
way to have time for it but not in a rigid way.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Interesting all the feelings that we uncover while going through this card: need for
compassion, patience, love, care, need to be seen and heard, hope, need to touch what
really matters, reconnecting with what was and is so special between us.
Thank you Jane and Mary for this intimate journey.
! Trisha and Hank, Paris
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Flirt
It is easy to take your partner for granted. Flirting is one way to remind each other
that your partner is loved and worthy of special attention.
! Couple Activity
5. Share with your partner what you learned from this activity.
up with love texts, more hugs and kisses etc. Penny mentioned that she still finds it
difficult to be really sexy in the home, as she associates it with her mother role. We then
remembered what some dear mentors of ours, Hal & Sidra Stone, shared that they
would religiously book into their local motel once a week. We thought, at the time, it
was an excellent idea. So we have both recommitted to spending a night a month (we
thought a week would be too hard to organize and expensive!) in a nice hotel in town,
to invest in our intimacy.
Bart and Penny, Sydney, Australia
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Since admiration and compliments feed the souls of men and women, why do we
get so stingy dishing them out? (See Appreciation Card)
! Couple Activity
5. Notice how much easier this becomes with daily practice—and how much better you
and your partner feel.
6. Share with each other what you learned from this activity.
was full of compliments and admiration. That is how I felt loved, and that is now what I
want, need, and expect.
Mike was able to acknowledge that he knows how much I love it when he gives me
compliments and verbally expresses that he admires me for being a great mom, wife,
and my career. He responded, "You know I admire and appreciate all that you are and
do." I was able to recognize that even though he thinks and feels what I want to hear, it's
not as natural for him to express it the way my dad did and still does.
Mike agreed to be more mindful of giving me compliments daily. He asked me if I
would be willing to playfully remind him if he forgets? I said, "Your clue will be when I
give you one. And, I will be more mindful of how important it is for you that we spend
quality time. I think there is a tool card for that."
I love that we have these tools as reminders for how such little things, such as a few
compliments and spending quality time can help keep the joy in our marriage!
Laney and Mike, California
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Closet Listening
Do you ever get out of sync with your partner? One of you wants to talk and the
other isn’t in the mood—creating resentment and hurt feelings? Closet listening is
different from engaging in a conversation. It means just hanging out to enjoy the
presence of your loved one. It means being available if your partner wants to talk, and
being content if he or she doesn’t want to talk.
! Couple Activity
5. Decide what works for both of you, and create a signal that will serve as a reminder
of what you want and what you have agreed to.
6. Discuss what you learned from this activity and record it in your journal.
As we each shared about the introduction, we realized that we had very different
perspectives on talking. I shared with Heather that it is difficult for me to talk on the spot.
I need time to process the topic to feel good about having a conversation
Heather enjoys talking and feels more connected when we talk. She shared that she
needed/wanted to be able to check in every day, and my initial reaction was that
having to talk everyday was just going to be too much. I may have shared that message
in a less than compassionate way. Heather’s feelings were hurt and she began to tear
up, which highlighted one of the reasons why I don’t like talking on the spot.
After some very emotional discussion we experienced some very big AHAs. I
realized, after knowing my wife since high school, that she loves to talk. She expresses
herself, her ideas and her passions through her words. I realized that I can be
overwhelmed by this and I can even feel insecure because I don’t always know if I can
match what she needs from the conversation.
I learned so much from this activity. I identified that I need to process the topic, my
feelings, the conversation and the information before I feel confident and comfortable
entering into a full discussion. I don’t want to seem stupid to Heather or like I don’t
know what I am talking about. I want to fully understand my feelings so that I can
respond to Heather and not react out of frustration or fear. Once I have a chance to think
about what my feelings are and why I am feeling those feelings I can have an educated
conversation with Heather from my heart instead of being in my head and feeling
defensive.
Heather’s AHAs
Heather learned that she relies heavily on conversation to connect with me and to
reduce her anxiety (through planning and discussions with me). She has so many
people depending on her in her job and family that if she is not talking things through
she doesn’t feel on top of things. Heather realized that she would like to work on
validating my feelings about waiting and not jumping right into the conversation so
that I have time to process information so we can have an effective conversation from
our hearts and not our heads. Heather also realized that when I am taking time to
process the information that she is sometimes taking it personally and feeling
insignificant and as if I don’t want to talk to her. She is learning how to NOT take this
personally.
We decided that a solution that will work for both of us is to try to check in when we
can throughout the week but save bigger things for our couples meetings so that I have
time to process before we discuss and so that we are still discussing all the things that
come up throughout the week. We decided on the day and the time of the week and
agreed this would be the most respectful solution for both of us.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
We held our first couples meeting this week. We had three items on the agenda.
Heather was sick and I was sooo tired but we did it anyway and it felt great not only to
follow through but to connect and talk about things not in the heat of the moment.
Each card brings us closer. We have been married for only 6 years but we have been
together since High School (20 years +) and it just keeps getting better. Positive
Discipline has a huge role in that! Thank you.
Jason and Heather Cantero
Bart and Penny did not stray off topic. They have demonstrated how most topics are
related, and how they all help couples connect and communicate more deeply.
Keeping the Joy in Marriage! ! Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski
Commitment
Commitment involves adopting a “no exit” clause, and then doing the work
necessary for Keeping the Joy in your Marriage. A good marriage does not survive neglect.
Commitment means accepting responsibility for your own happiness and and for the
happiness of the relationship, not expecting someone else to make you happy.
Commitment means acknowledging your partner as one of your greatest teachers for
your personal and spiritual growth and development. It can be a joyful journey.
! Couple Activity:
4. Together, create a mission statement for your relationship that includes the actions
you will take to enhance your physical chemistry, your shared interests and values,
and your depth of commitment.
CONCLUSION
The commitment tool card provides a great opportunity for a conclusion to Keeping
the Joy in Marriage. It could also be the beginning and the middle. In other words
commitment is not only the foundation, it is threaded through every part of Keeping the
Joy in YOUR Marriage.
According to William Glasser,4 people are drawn to each other for three reasons:
4. Take the time to use these simple yet profound tools over and over.
4Glasser, William and Carleen, Getting Together and Staying Together, Harper Collins,
New Your, NY, 2010
5Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Northfield
Publishing, Chicago, 2010
6John Gottman, Ph.D, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Simon and Shuster, New York, NY,
1994