1

A Series of Public Apologies - John Donnelly

This satirical play is heightened in its naturalism, in its seriousness, in its parody and
piercing in its interrogation of how our attempts to define ourselves in public are shaped
by the fear of saying the wrong thing. Presented quite literally as a series of public
apologies this play is spacious, flexible and welcoming of inventive and imaginative
interpretation as each iteration spirals inevitably to its absurdist core. This is a play on
words, on convention, on manners, on institutions, on order, online and on point.

Cast size

8–100, any gender

Recommended for ages 14+

Notes on production
To be performed by as many or as few
Of any age, shape, race, gender; people with or without disabilities
Gender pronouns may be changed
Dialogue to be allocated by the company
Dashes (–) are sometimes used at the start of cues where it may be desirable to create
consistency of character by having the same actor(s) speaking the lines. For instance, the
Questioner/Alan/Guilty Party sequence may be best played by three people
Dashes are also sometimes used to indicate that a new cue completes a thought started
in a preceding cue
Impersonations of real people are neither necessary nor forbidden nor do they have to be
any good
Projection, live recording, live streaming, pre-recorded footage and so on may all be used
Unless you don’t want to
Is this all a bit much?
Sorry
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THE PLAY

Act 1: Scene 1

Thank you all for coming we will be as brief as possible your time is valuable
This won’t take long
It won’t take long at all
Obviously a minor incident occurred in the school lavatories which may have caused
some distress
Something was written
Scrawled
On the walls
There’s been a lot of speculation around this which we would – obviously – like to nip in
the bud
But that’s all we’re going to say at this point
Except to say the school neither endorses the message, nor the medium through which
the message was conveyed
Nor do we accept responsibility for the incident or its effect on members of the school or
indeed wider community
The wider community occasionally have access to the lavatories when they use the
school sports hall
All part of our drive to improve the school
So we wish to apologise for any offence caused, assure you that lessons have been
learned and that we now intend to draw a line under things and move on
Obviously
Thank you for coming. That is the end of our statement

***

Act 1: Scene 2

Thank you all for coming we will be as brief as possible your time is valuable
Apparently some of you found the previous statement unsatisfactory
By saying that the incident may have caused some distress, it may have been taken to
imply that no distress was caused
Distress was caused
We’re not trying to minimise or undermine the integrity of anyone’s lived experience
We take this seriously
We take our responsibility very seriously
We acknowledge that distress was caused
We didn’t mean to throw more fuel on the fire
Pour salt on the wound
Throw acid in the eyes
That’s inappropriate, so
We’re sorry for any distress caused and wish to make it clear that this statement
constitutes an apology for the incident and draw a line under this whole sorry business
What was the incident?
And move on
 3

What was the incident?

Thank you. No questions at this time

***

Act 1: Scene 3

Thank you all for coming we will be as brief as possible your time is valuable
In our previous statement we attempted to draw a line under the matter
It has since come to our attention that this was inappropriate
And there was some lack of clarity over the incident itself
Accordingly we wish to clarify the incident in the hope of drawing a line underneath the
incident
And providing closure
Some words were written
Scrawled
On the lavatory walls
By whom we don’t know
Words which may have been deemed offensive
Were deemed, were deemed offensive
Mr Laurence, our wonderful caretaker, found the words, cleaned the words and that was
that
I hope that clears everything up
What were the words?
Sorry
What were the words?
I hope that draws a line under this

***

Act 1: Scene 4

Thank you all for coming we will be as brief as possible your time is valuable
Apparently some information was omitted from our previous statement
We weren’t trying to underplay the seriousness of the incident or the message that was
smeared on the walls
Did you say smeared?
No
You did, you said smeared
I mean scrawled, I meant scrawled on the walls
In the spirit of openness we wish to share with you the message that was smeared sorry
scrawled on the walls
And we hope that means we can then draw a line under this whole sorry incident
The message was as follows
EAT MY SHIT. EAT MY SHIT ALAN
Why are you shouting?
It was written in capitals
In capitals? My gosh, we’re dealing with an insane person
Who is Alan?
 4

We don’t know
What do you mean you don’t know?
We don’t know any Alans
We’re not aware of an Alan
All we know is that someone smeared this on the walls
You’ve said it again. You’ve just said smeared again
Scrawled, I mean scrawled
What was the message scrawled in exactly?
Human excrement. And blood we think
It was written in
In shit and blood, yes
All of it?
That’s a lot of shit
It was spread quite thinly
Hang on, was it spread or smeared?
Smeared, it was smeared
Mr Laurence the caretaker spent his entire weekend cleaning it off
EAT MY SHIT. EAT MY SHIT ALAN
Thank you, we get the idea
Poor Mr Laurence
The staff have had a whip round
Forty-one pounds, Amazon vouchers. And a pound
The thing is, someone had already taken photographs
Images, there are images?
Some of which are now in the public domain
Images of the –
Shit, yes, and the blood
Can we stop saying shit?
Shall we bring back excrement?
Actually, I think shit is better
Let’s stick with shit and see how we get on
What kind of person smears shit and blood on the walls?
Clearly whoever did it was psychologically disturbed
That’s an offensive statement. Not all psychologically disturbed people smear shit and
blood
Why else would you smear shit?
A protest
I’m not sure it was a protest
It could have been
‘EAT MY SHIT. EAT MY SHIT ALAN’. That’s not a protest
Perhaps it’s a metaphor
For what?
About what?
Any number of things
The government
Climate Change
The final season of Game of Thrones
Speculation is not helpful
There are questions we need answered
Who is behind this?
Who is it intended for?
And who is Alan?
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***

Act 2: Scene 1

We need to issue an apology

But we weren’t responsible
It happened on the premises of our school, a school with children
Someone has to take responsibility
We need to shut this down
Can we contain this? Can we contain the shit?
It’s too late. The shit is out there
And the blood
It’s already on Insta
Oh my gosh
Have you seen Twitter?
Twitter is angry
Reddit is angry
Upworthy is angry
Mumsnet is furious
There’s a meme
There’s a meme of the shit and the blood
And it’s getting good ratio
It’s out of hand
It’s getting very good ratio
The shit and the blood is out of hand
Can we stop talking about shit and blood, can we just say smears?
Is everyone happy with smears?
I can live with smears

***

Act 2: Scene 2

Thank you for your tweets

Thank you for your emails
Thank you for your texts
Thank you for your online petitions
Thank you for the YouTube takedowns
We are now very much aware that we should not have been attempting to draw a line at
all
It was never our intention to shut down the conversation
It seems closure was not desired
Which is why we’re here today
To open up real dialogue
We want to hear divergent voices
Not just the normal voices
We want to hear other voices too
The abnormal ones
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No, no, not abnormal

No, God, we’re not saying they’re abnormal
We’re simply saying we invite all voices to be heard
To this end, we will be holding a meeting to be broadcast online in order to make it as
fully accessible as –
We’ll be live streaming the event
The real meeting will also be accessible
We have a ramp
That’s right
This meeting is an opportunity to air grievances
And for a plethora of voices to be heard
Dialogue created
And bridges built
We have a ramp
And for those of you affected by any words or images you have seen there will be a
helpline
Thank you
We have a ramp
Oh and please use the hashtag

***

Act 2: Scene 3

#EATMYSHITALAN
#WEAREALLALAN
#SOLIDARITYWITHALAN
#FREEISALAN
#FREEALAN
#ALANISDAMAN
#ALANLIVESMATTER
#SHITBLOODALAN
#REMEMBERMRLAURENCE

***

Act 2: Scene 4

Thank you all for coming we will be as brief as possible your time is valuable
We wish to acknowledge the issues raised concerning yesterday’s meeting
We value your feedback and we recognise the immense courage it took you to speak
out
Both about the initial incident as well as any and all distress caused by our subsequent
statements or indeed yesterday’s meeting
Regarding yesterday’s meeting
We are grateful for your feedback
And in the light of your feedback
We regret the inflammatory nature of yesterday’s meeting
 7

We could have managed yesterday’s meeting better

Had we been aware of the demonstrations that would take place outside yesterday’s
meeting
And inside yesterday’s meeting
As well as the counter-demonstrations
And the counter-counter-demonstrations
We may not have proceeded with yesterday’s meeting
We were unaware of the strong sentiment both pro- and anti-Alan that existed
We regret subsequent events
The eye gouging, the decapitation, the maiming, the ligament scarring, the tendon
scarring, the serious injuries that occurred
We regret all of it
We regret that some of the injuries were life changing
Not least the decapitation
The decapitation was definitely life changing
The decapitation was regrettable
We’re not saying people with life-changing injuries can’t live fulfilling lives
We’re not saying that
We’re not trying to undermine the contribution to society of people with less than the
normal number of heads
Don’t say normal
The conventional number of heads
They are full members of society in some cases contributing more than people whose
lives haven’t been changed by decapitation-related injuries
In fact, one could possibly even say that in some cases those life-changing injuries have
inspired such a radical rethink of purpose that for some individuals those injuries might
even be seen in hindsight as life improving

***

Act 2: Scene 5

Thank you all for coming we will be as brief as possible your time is valuable
We wish to apologise for the wording of yesterday’s statement pertaining to the previous
day’s meeting pertaining to the previous statements pertaining to the original incident
Some of which was less than clear
In particular the inference that certain injuries –
Up to and including but not limited to decapitation
– can be seen as life improving
We wish to retract that statement
We will now embark on a time of reflection during which we aim to clarify the processes
by which the decisions we made were made
In order to ensure all future decisions are sound
Which isn’t to say we didn’t have processes in place before
Oh no
We don’t want to give that impression
We had processes
Coming out of our arses
Not literally
That would be inappropriate
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Especially given the nature of the original smears

But rest assured there were processes
If there were processes, why were the decisions made not sound?
Sorry?
If there were processes, why were the decisions made not sound?
There’s a perfectly rational, reasonable explanation for that
Yes, we’re perfectly rational, reasonable people as I expect, as I hope is –
We like clarity
Too much fuzziness in the world
Too much chat
Too many people trying to avoid responsibility by talking their way out of things
That’s why we are taking responsibility
We are owning our decisions
Our mistakes
And that’s rare

***

Act 2: Scene 6

This is getting out of hand

It’s affecting the brand
What brand?
Our brand
We don’t have a brand
Everyone has a brand. Everything has a brand
Where do you think the school gets its money from?
The government?
The government!
Who do you think pays for the sports hall?
Who do you think pays for the drama studio?
Who do you think pays for the food?
Do you think we just conjure paper and pencils out of thin air?
We need to raise funds for books, we need raffles, cake bakes, fancy-dress days,
parents playing the trombone, bouncy castles, fun runs, we need the support of the
community
And how is that going?
Why r ppl so SICK? 2 many H8rs #FreeAlan
Alan is ma boiiiiiii!!!!! #FreeAlan
Canot believ u suport this [poo emoji] &blood what is the world coming 2
dissGUSTING!!!! #LOCKHIMUP
Who is funding you? #DeepStateAlan #StopSmearingAlan
I’m not convinced these are real people
I think this is the work of bots, I wouldn’t worry
Yes, Russian bots and conspiracy theorists
It’ll all just blow over
Russian bots and – yes, conspiracy theorists, grown men sat in airless rooms in Greater
Manchester or Clapham or Hove, trolling people like us
Innocent people like us
Night and day – exactly, yes – pausing only when their mums come in with a sandwich
and a mug of tea and clean underpants
 9

It’ll all just blow over, I wouldn’t worry

No, it’ll all just blow over, you’ll see

***

Act 2: Scene 7

Celebrities are calling us out

What?
There’s a hashtag
#StopSmearingAlan is catching on
#StopSmearingAlan is trending
Tess Daly has called us out
Lorraine has called us out
Gary Lineker has called us out
But Piers Morgan has tweeted in support
Benedict Cumberbatch on the other hand is appalled
Cumberbatch?
Cumberbatch is shocked and appalled
Cumberbatch is distancing himself from us
Sherlock is distancing himself from us
He’s donating all payments from his next television to the fund
What fund?
The #FreeAlan fund
But there is no Alan
There must be, there’s a fund
Where is this money coming from?
Where is it going?
Is Alan exploiting the situation for his own personal gain?
I think we need to be cautious not to scapegoat
We need to find Alan
We don’t want this turning into a pile-on
We’re not suggesting a witchhunt
But we don’t want a cover-up
We can’t be seen to allow a cover-up
We have to be seen to do something
We have to kill this, now, before it gets out of hand

***

Act 3: Scene 1

We now go live to Downing Street where the lectern is out and the prime minister will
shortly be giving a statement
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Look, it would be anti-democratic of me to go against the will of the people, and if voters
are against the smears it’s not our role to nanny or mollycoddle, we’re here to say, If that’s
what you want, chaps, full steam ahead, right behind you
The Leader of the Opposition has released a statement
My position is clear. I don’t approve of these smears, I’m not personally a fan, but if we
take time to reflect properly on the underlying causes of the smears –
Breaking news, according to a new opinion poll, the public is now against the smears,
we’re going live to Downing Street and – yes – the lectern is out. The lectern is out. The
prime minister is standing behind the lectern, the lectern is out!
If you look at what I actually said, the point I was making – if you’ll let me finish –
No one’s interrupting
Yes, if you’ll let me finish
But no one’s interrupting
Yes, the point I was making is that smears are part and parcel of daily life, the public is
frankly sick of hearing about smears and people just want to get on with their lives
The president of the United States is tweeting about the smears
The biased mainstream media has been trying to SMEAR me since day one. All of them
FAILED! Someone needs to do something about these LOSER smears. SAD
According to a phone in, 84 per cent of Good Morning Britain viewers blame Raheem
Sterling
And yes, yes, the lectern is back out. The prime minister is releasing a new statement,
clarifying his position
When I said people are making too much of these smears, it’s clear what I meant is that
most ordinary decent people just want to be part of a society where small business can
flourish and children play on the streets free of the fear of the smear. I do not shirk this
challenge. Those who live by the smear will die by the smear. They shall not prosper.
That’s why – to quote Shakespeare – or someone – we will crack down on the smear
menace with a velvet fist wrapped in an iron glove – or is that the other way round?
We now go live to CarpetWorld in Croydon where people are rioting
An angry mob in yellow vests is throwing milkshakes at CarpetWorld. Someone’s
attempting to set a low-shag carpet on fire. We’re on fire! We’re on fire! Water cannons
are being deployed as we speak!
The water cannons have failed! The water cannons don’t work! It’s anarchy! JD Sports is
on fire! Mothercare is on fire! Primark is on fire!
And according to a new poll, 87 per cent of voters believe the European Union is
responsible for the smears
Society is collapsing!
There are riots in the streets!
A man was decapitated!
I saw his head on a spike
You saw footage of his head on a spike
It may have been doctored footage
The footage was probably doctored
You can doctor footage on an ordinary phone these days
It looked very real
I don’t think it was real
This has gone too far
And finally some good news, the footballer Raheem Sterling is not responsible for the
smears, it turns out he was playing football at the time

***
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Act 3: Scene 2

Thank you all for coming, brief as possible, time is valuable

We would like to begin by apologising for any misunderstandings that arose from our
previous statements
We have examined ourselves
We have undergone a period of further reflection
And following that period of reflection we have changed
Who we were at the time of both the initial incidents and all subsequent statements does
not reflect who we are now
We are no longer ourselves
We are literally different people
As a result we wish to distance ourselves from our previous statements
Because those statements we made
We didn’t make them
No, we didn’t make them, because we were different people then
We were unaware of the strength of feeling those decisions would arouse
Had we been aware, obviously, we would not have made those decisions
It goes without saying, we would have made different decisions
And I don’t need to tell you we’re not afraid to be seen to be wrong
Being wrong is actually a sign of being right
In a show of strength and leadership, we have therefore decided to act decisively by
reversing that initial decision. We are no longer apologising and we will shortly be
releasing a statement

***

Act 3: Scene 3

Thank you brief time valuable

We’ve listened and we’ve heard your protests and your objections
And while you have every right to be angry
Frankly we think you should be more grateful
We’re simply not responsible for everything that goes on here
It’s too big
There’s too much
I mean what do you expect?
We can’t apologise for all the incidents because we’d never stop apologising
Because it’s not really a series of incidents is it?
It’s a culture
We can’t apologise for a culture
We’re not responsible for a culture
We didn’t create the culture
Some people would say we perpetuate it
But they’re wrong
We’re not perpetuating a culture
We’re challenging a culture
By our actions and our words
Which is why we’re here
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On Twitter
On Facebook
On Instagram
On YouTube
On BuzzFeed
On CNN
On Fox News
On Russia Today
There’s even an opinion piece in the New Yorker magazine
Have you read it?
No, but I hear it’s very good
And what we’re saying is, what we’re saying is, what we’re actually saying is –
We’re saying what we did was wrong
We’re taking responsibility for the things we did
But we can’t take responsibility for everything
There are limits
Our actions
Our specific actions
Our specific and limited actions
The way we talked to you for instance
Our tone
We’ll take responsibility for our tone and even possibly some of the content
If our language was belittling or triggering or any of those things
We’ll take responsibility for that, for those specific things
But not the entire culture, we can’t take responsibility for that
Yes of course it’s our building, we technically run the building, we technically built the
building
Well not us but the people before us
That’s the thing isn’t it, it was the people before us
They laid the foundations of all this
And we’re the ones having to clean up after them
Well, Mr Laurence is the one doing the cleaning up
Anyway, it’s their fault really
So don’t be angry with us
We’re making the best out of a tricky situation
And yes, in the meantime, there may be some upset, some minor unrest
Some anger
Some of you it seems are very angry
Yes, people are angry and that’s okay
You have the right to be angry
And that’s valid
Within reason
Yes, within reason of course
You have the right to be angry, you have the right to be angry, you have the right to
voice an opinion
Until they start throwing things, well then you’ve crossed a line
It’s the line crossing we have a problem with
What we’re asking for is patience
For you to bear with us
As we all pull together to solve this through dialogue
If we can just talk it out
Well that’s what democracy is about
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And that’s why we’re here to state our intentions

Yes, about the future
About – going forward – how this is going to work
And of course we apologise for anything the people before us may have done
Or may not have done, we’re not here to judge
And assure you from now on –
Going forward
– that things will be different
Because we’re in charge
And if you trust us, if you trust us
If you put your future in our hands
We’ll take care of you
Going forward
Who are you exactly?
What?
Who are you exactly?
That’s all we have time for

***

Act 3: Scene 4

Thanks time valuable

It seems some of you weren’t happy with the previous statement
It seems some of you weren’t happy with the previous statement and have done some
very silly things
Some very silly things indeed
Some of you it seems have smashed some things up
Some of you have taken to the streets
Which is silly
It’s showing off
What we need is constructive dialogue
What we need is a time of healing to air our grievances
Not just air them
I’m talking about a sharing, a sharing of stories, an empowering sharing of stories
We’ll get together and we’ll share stories and we’ll talk and we’ll cry
What’s important is we keep talking
That’s right
Because as long as we’re talking, you won’t notice we aren’t actually doing anything and
everything is still the same as it was
That was a joke
It wasn’t a joke
It was a joke, a funny joke to lighten the mood
It wasn’t a joke
Going forward, I thought we could share some stories
About the incident
No, no, no, we’ve moved on from that, let’s not dwell on that, let’s not live in the past. I
mean positive stories
Inspirational stories
Inspirational stories of the kind you get at the theatre
Exactly, of the kind you get at the theatre
 14

I saw a play which, well I forget what it was about, it was about, well people were doing
things, well they were talking mainly but they were doing things and these things made
them happy or sad
Sometimes happy and sad at the same time which is of course the most sophisticated
form of theatre
It is, yes, and then towards the end someone gave the most terrific speech in which he
or was it a she, I can’t remember
It was probably a he
It’s usually a he
In which he basically said what life is like, and he spoke truth to the audience and they
sat and they listened while the actor playing the character – because they’re not real,
these actors, they’re not real, it’s all made up, it’s all just pretend – he articulated in the
most extraordinary way these profound truths about life
They were profound
They punctured our souls
They did, my soul was punctured
And there was even – get this – there was even a school trip, a school trip of the kind of
kids, who, well – you don’t like to stereotype or cast aspersions, but there was a school
trip of the kind of kids who when they walk in, they make you, they make you
Nervous?
Yes, nervous, they make you nervous and you wish they didn’t, you wish they didn’t
make you nervous because you don’t want to be the kind of person who gets nervous
when kids go to the theatre
Because it’s good they go to the theatre
Yes, it’s good they go to the theatre
It’s morally improving
They need the theatre, the kids, they need to know it’s for them
Because it’s about life
It’s about empathy
Empathy!
It’s about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and listening and actually really
fucking listening and sorry for my language, I apologise for my language, but I’m
really getting quite worked up by this, and sometimes, I admit it, I swear for emphasis, I
swear to make a point, I know some people don’t like swearing
But it happens
It does happen and it’s somehow more truthful when people swear, it’s more truthful isn’t
it, it feels more truthful, because people do swear don’t they, in real life people do swear
because in real life, well some of us are really actually very angry indeed at the way
things are and we don’t feel listened to or understood, we just feel patronised and talked
over and even the people who tell us they’re listening and they care –
Teachers, politicians, parents, people in power, even writers who write for the theatre,
they don’t actually listen do they, they don’t actually listen, they tell you they do, but you
know they don’t cause nothing ever changes does it and – sorry, what was I saying?
The play
The play, yes, the play with the uplifting speech about life it contained so many truths
about life and it really made me think, it really made me think and you know how you
could tell?
Because the audience was quiet
Because the audience was quiet
Because we’d achieved catharsis
Which is a Greek word meaning – what does it mean?
It means everything is okay again
 15

That’s right, because of the truths we’d heard

That’s right, because of the truths contained in the speech
And what were the truths contained in the speech?
Well I don’t think we need to go into all that, I think my point is clear

***

Act 3: Scene 5

Time val
Good news. We have found the individual responsible for the initial incident
We have found them and asked them to explain themselves
To Alan and to us
To Alan?
Yes, we found Alan
But I thought there was no Alan
No, there is an Alan and we found him
This is definitely Alan?
Of course this is Alan, of course it is, why would we tell you it was Alan if it wasn’t Alan
And you’re sure you have the right person, the person responsible for the smears?
Yes, stop asking such silly questions
And now this person will apologise to Alan and to us and then we can finally draw a line
under this whole sorry business
This event will be live streamed
Please use the hashtag

***

Act 4: Scene 1
#AlanForgivenessLive

***

Act 4: Scene 2

Questioner, Alan, Guilty Party, others to join.

– Sorry
The Questioner looks at Alan. Alan shakes their head.
Sorry
The Questioner looks at Alan. Alan shakes their head.
Sorry
– Like you mean it
– Sorry
– Like you mean it
– Sorry
– Like you mean it
 16

– Sorry
– Like you mean it
– Sorry
– Like you mean it
– Sorry
– Like you mean it
– SORRY
– LIKE YOU MEAN IT
– SORRY
– LIKE YOU MEAN IT
– SORRY, SORRY, I’M SORRY
The Questioner looks at Alan. Alan nods.
– Now if only you’d said that earlier you’d have saved us all so much bother
A fourth speaker.
– That’s not Alan
– Of course it is, are you Alan?
Alan hesitates, then nods.
– And that’s not the person who did it
– How would you know?
– Because I did it
It was me
Whoever speaks next could be anyone apart from the fourth speaker.
– Stop the show
Stop the broadcast
Cut the live feeds

***

Act 4: Scene 3

The fourth speaker and at least one other.

– Why did you smear the shit and the blood so Mr Laurence the school caretaker had to
give up his weekend?
– I don’t know
– Why did you write ‘EAT MY SHIT. EAT MY SHIT ALAN’?
Why did you write it?
– I was upset
– What about?
– Everything
– Can you be a little more specific?
– I don’t know, I just did it
– Was it your shit?
– Yes
– And your blood?
– I had a nose bleed
I meant to write ‘EAT MY SHIT. EAT MY SHIT ALL OF YOU’, but I ran out of shit and
blood and I changed ‘ALL OF YOU’ to ‘ALAN’ partly ‘cause of running out of shit and
blood but also’ cause it seemed a bit daft
– And you thought writing ‘EAT MY SHIT. EAT MY SHIT ALAN’ would be less daft?
– It seemed less daft at the time
– But why did you want to write ‘EAT MY SHIT. EAT MY SHIT ALL OF YOU’?
 17

– I told you I was angry

– ABOUT WHAT?
– I trusted you and you broke my heart. Dashed it into a million pieces
– Have we met?
– I trusted you with my future
– Sorry, this is quite awkward
– I was born into a world where I was told things would be okay, that there would be jobs
and houses and I would be safe and I could grow up and go to uni maybe and better
myself and I could travel and I was told to respect other people that they would respect
me
I was told to work hard, sit up straight, say please and thank you
I was told whatever I put in I would get back
I was told the world is fair
I was told there is such a thing as justice
I was told to believe in the future
And it turns out these things were not true
The world is not safe and not fair
You don’t get to do what you want in your life by working hard people tell you that but it’s
not true
And the more I think about it the more I feel despair
– Don’t feel despair
– I do I feel despair
– Yeah, but don’t feel despair
– People can’t afford to eat
People are going out for an evening and not coming home to their mums at night
People don’t feel safe to go to sleep in their own homes
People are scared
And no one is doing a thing about it
None of you
You talk and you talk and you talk
You say these things and none of them makes a difference to me or to any of us
Who are you to tell me you’re dealing with this?
– Well I’m sorry but that’s not my fault
I’m not responsible for this
– You don’t care what I say
You don’t listen
Well you’ll listen when I burn your house down
You’ll listen when I riot in your streets
You’ll listen when I make it so you can’t sleep in your beds at night
You’ll listen then, won’t you?
– Well these are very serious accusations you’re making
I have to say though, you’re being very negative
Maybe some of these things are true
Maybe there was some loss of life
Maybe some people did starve to death
Or die in their beds
Or experience life-changing injuries
But that’s life
And the thing you have to remember
The thing we all have to be grown up about and remember is there are far worse places
to live
So it’s actually all okay
 18

It’s certainly no excuse for smearing shit on the walls so nice Mr Laurence has to give up
his weekend to clear it off
We don’t riot, that’s not what we do, that’s just silly and counterproductive
We believe in the power of talking
We believe in dialogue
We listen to dialogue
And before you get carried away on this, on this, on this witchhunt – because that’s what
it is – before you get obsessed with ruining the lives of the people you think are
responsible, it’s important to bear in mind the character of those people
That’s right, because these people you’re branding monsters
They have families
They do, they have families and cherished pets
Some of them, many of them, most of them in fact are respected businesspeople
Government officials, teachers, nurses, vets, some of them are sports coaches, some of
them drive minibuses and pick children up from broken homes to play sport on a
Saturday
Some of them run the country
Some of them may be former prime ministers or even the current prime minister
Or future prime ministers
And we can’t arrest them all, can we?
That’s just silly
Like all this silly stuff you did for attention because that’s what it was, it was for attention
Smearing shit and blood like a silly
No one cares
Everyone has moved on
Twitter has moved on
Benedict Cumberbatch has moved on
Lorraine has moved on
Gary Lineker has moved on
Piers Morgan is still tweeting but no one pays him any mind
So it didn’t work, did it?
Still it’s good to talk, isn’t it?
In forums like these
Because if we can’t talk to each other and learn to love and forgive and heal and help
one another move on, what hope is there? If we can’t do that. Forgiveness is what
makes us human
How else can we grow? How else can we develop? How else can there be hope?
If we can just focus on this
Your apology. To all of us. For wasting our time
And can I just remind you if you’re tweeting or on Insta, please use the hashtag

***

Act 4: Scene 4

We wish to apologise for what you just heard

We’re concerned it may not have been as uplifting as you hoped
We’re concerned it may have been unsatisfactory
We’re concerned it may have left you angry and unfulfilled
And that won’t do
So we have taken the decision to cancel the person responsible
 19

We’ve cancelled him

Permanently?
For ever, we have cancelled him for ever. He is now cancelled
So he won’t be troubling any of you again
What, cancelled?
Yes, cancelled
What cancelled cancelled?
Oh gosh, no, not cancelled cancelled he’s just gone to the place where cancelled people
go
And where is that?
Probably somewhere in the North or Wales or Scotland or Basingstoke, somewhere like
that
Somewhere away from us
And any suggestion that we manufactured this entire incident ourselves to distract from
something bigger, well we refute that entirely
Entirely

***

Act 5: Scene 1

Time
We can’t pretend it’s a one-off anymore
This is endemic, it’s not about a few rotten apples, one or two bad eggs, it’s systemic
We need to own this
That’s why this time it can’t just be about the individual. We need to acknowledge we
have a corporate responsibility, all of us, to make these things right, together
Accordingly the head of our organisation has decided to take full responsibility and will
shortly be making a brief statement
When I say head, I don’t mean the actual head
That simply isn’t possible, he’s far too busy
However a member of staff will now read out a statement on behalf of the head taking
full responsibility for any incidents that may have occurred
––– #Alan [Various hashtags including #AlanIsAGender, #NeverForgetAlan2019,
#Alanspiration] –––
It was not me
What I did was not me
I am not the person who did those things
That is not in fact my behaviour
My behaviour at the time in no way reflects who I am
I take full ownership of my behaviour while at the same time wishing to reassure you that
my behaviour was not in fact my own
It was someone’s else’s behaviour and even though that behaviour is not mine, it does
in fact belong to the old me, a me that no longer exists, I take full ownership of that
behaviour
And of course any and all future behaviours that may result
Are you happy?
Are you satisfied?
We hope you’re not left feeling uneasy or unsure or excluded from the process
20