Understanding Love

The History of Attraction and the “In Love” Experience

The story of “love” is an ever-evolving drama that in most cases has nothing to do with
romance. I’m not saying that people’s relationships today do not have romance (although
most do not), I’m saying that historically, love, relationships, sex and romance have had
very little to do with each other. Let me explain.

The rush of endorphins that we know as the “in love” experience is an ancient biological
trigger passed down from our hunter-gatherer ancestors. If you consider the lives our
ancestors lived, on the move, cave-hopping and constantly fighting for survival, it’s easy
to understand that they did not have the time (or likely the mental/emotional capacity) to
worry about romance. Male-female relationships were ultimately for one purpose—
procreation and survival of the species.

So, how do the origins of “in love” originate here? Consider this: when you fall in love
with someone it produces an overwhelming feeling of attachment. You can’t stand to be
away—you’re drawn to each other. Sometimes (not usually) this can be due to a deep
spiritual connection, although most of the time it’s strait biology. You see, cavemen had
one mission in their sexual encounters—produce as many babies as they can, to ensure
survival of their clan, and to keep the baby alive (which can be challenging with
uncertain food sources and saber toothed predators).

Have you figured out why the “in love” experience (although certainly experienced
differently than ours) would have benefited them, back then? Well, monogamy and 1-
partner lifetimes was not the human thing to do back then. So, in order to entice the man
to stick around and help out with the baby, biology gave him (and her) a big WHACK of
brain chemicals, like dopamine and norepinephrine, that produced the temporary bond
and attachment, which is what today we call feeling “in love”.

The release of these hormones lasts anywhere from 6 months to 3 years. The reason is
that this is the time it takes to ensure a baby lives to a viable age. Then, the brain
chemicals begin to fade, and as they do, the caveman no longer feels drawn to stay and so
goes off and impregnates another woman. Survival of the species.

There are other instinctual and biological processes we often experience today, even
though we rarely are aware of their origins. For example, scent was a huge factor in
sexual attraction in ancient times—a scent that our modern noses would flee from. But
today, scent is still used in wooing, such as spritzing on that sweet smelling perfume or
cologne. Another echo we can still see today is a woman’s desire to find a man who will
“bring home a large share of the kill.” Back then it was an instinct in order to ensure your
family is fed and protected. Today the kill has changed (it’s now dollars not carcasses—
and in some cases thick cut bacon), but for many women the desire is the same—to be
provided for. Now, there are many women who have become the breadwinners, or in that
case, the trophy hunters. But it’s taken thousands and thousands of years to get to this
point. For many people, the lingering instincts are still too powerful to get past.

To make a long story short, the roles of male-female relationships have evolved
drastically, yet over a VERY long period of time. Depending on the region of Earth and
the cultural or religious beliefs of the community, relationships and sexuality can be
drastically different, just as it has been drastically different over time. And a MAJORITY
of beliefs and practices surrounding male-female relationships in history and around the
world had very little to do with “love” or “romance”. Most of the time, relationships are
about survival or status. It is only those of us living in the modern, mostly Western, world
that consider this factors important.

A pivotal point in history for romance took place during the Renaissance period. This is
where most of the notions of love and romance that are pervasive in Western society
originated. Romeo and Juliet’s longing for each other, the damsel in distress being
whisked away by the knight in shining armor—basically all of the traditional story lines
of fairy tales and their romantic notions stem from the evolution of relationships during
the Renaissance. We will spare you from an extensive history lesson here, but just
consider this. The Renaissance was between the 14th and 17th century. That means these
ideas of romance have lasted over 500 years. It seems like a long time, but when you
consider that humans have been on Earth 200,000 (or more) years, it is safe to say these
notions are NEW!

See the Addicted to Love section that goes into how we experience the “In-Love”
Experience today and why it so often leads to heartache and drama.

So, if the “in love” experience isn’t what we’re after, what is TRUE LOVE?

First of all, what is love at all? This is one of those truly unanswerable existential
questions, as there is a complexity and depth to love that humans have a hard time
wrapping our minds around. But, there are a few things we know.

Is love a feeling? The evidence suggests NO—not exactly. People who are “in love”
experience a lot of feelings, but they’re not TRUE love. People who are abusive can feel
deep feelings for their partners, yet many of us would not consider that love. Feeling love
for another or feeling love within yourself is a PART of love, but it is not love.

Is love an action? Is it caring, affection, attention? Again, the evidence suggests NO—
not exactly. There are many people who love each other yet are unkind, neglectful or
abusive. It’s confusing, we know. Love does include actions that express the state of
love, however love is not an action.

Is love a force? Now we’re getting a little spiritual on you… but many belief systems
point to love being a Greater Force, the Source of all things. There are those who believe
that love is who we are at our core. It’s our essential nature. It’s the Force that creates
worlds! Now we have little chance of providing evidence of this, however you may have
experienced it within your own life.

There is only 1 thing that we know for sure about love: love is defined and experienced
differently by each person. This is because:
 Love can be experienced as a feeling, an action, or a force.
 Love is experienced based on the beliefs and programming of the individual.
 The feeling of love always takes place within the individual

That last one takes a little explanation. If you think about it, you can feel an emotion of
love for someone even when they are not with you and without them knowing or feeling
it. You can feel love for someone even if you do something mean to them. You can feel
loved by someone, of you believe they love you, even if they don’t love you. You can
feel loved because someone did something nice for you, even if they weren’t feeling love
when they did it. In each situation, the feeling of love was in no related dependent on the
other person. You do not need them to “receive” your love in order to feel it for them.
You do not need them to be experiencing a feeling of love for you in order for you to feel
loved. In truth, the source of ALL feelings of love lies within you and is based on the
thoughts and beliefs you are holding. Someone can feel love for you, but if they don’t tell
you or express it or if you don’t believe it, you won’t feel it. Why? Because in order for
you to feel loved you have to be THINKING that you are loved.

Now, that is a humbling realization, isn’t it? Love comes from within YOU. Ponder that
one for a minute.

What type of relationship do you want?

Real/True Love or elusive “in-love” feeling?

Ultimately, the purpose of this program is to help individuals realize that love and the
way they experience their relationships is a CHOICE. The first choice that needs to be
made is what type of love someone is after—“in love” or “real/true love”.

Here is how you can tell which one you’re in:

“In Love”:
You depend on the relationship for self esteem.
You take more from the relationship than you give.
The relationship drains your emotional, psychological, and physical energies.
You are jealous of the other persons’ separate activities.
You can only think of the other person.
You are afraid that the other person could lose interest in you.
You feel a deep need, clinging, or grasping for them.

Real/True Love:
You regard that both of you are individuals, separately apart with each other.
Each of you accepts the fact that neither is perfect.
The relationship still gives each person the energy to devote to other aspects of life.
Each of you continues to grow as independent human beings.
Each feels a responsibility to each other’s well-being.
Both of you experience the joy in giving as well as in receiving.
Trust and honesty binds you together.
Each understands and accepts the world and realities of the other.
You both recognize and honor our own needs and those of your partner.

This program is designed to provide the understanding and tools needed to live loving
relationships that meet the criteria for a true love relationship!

Why are we attracted to who we’re attracted to?

We are lucky to live in the era of CHOICE! We have evolved, culturally, beyond
attraction based on brute strength, hunting skills and child-bearing hips (although in some
cases, these still play a role). Although many cultures in the world today get to select
their own life partners, there are still 3 factors that play a vital role in determining who
you are attracted. There are, after all, billions of people. So, why are you only attracted to
a select few?

Social
 SIMILARITIES: It is both instinct and culture that lead us to be attracted to
people who are similar to us. Statistically, people most often choose mates who
are the same race, class, culture, and religion.
 STATUS: In cast system cultures, partners are selected based on the economic
and social standing that such a mate will bring a person and his or her family.
However, all cultures do this to some degree. At the minimum, a majority of
people select mates who enhance their self-esteem.
 AESTHETIC: Of course, it’s no secret our cultures influence our desires for
mates based on what we are shown to be beautiful. However, this plays less of a
role than you would think. Not everyone goes after the “10”. The reason for this is
that not everyone IS a 10 (just being real). There was a study done that showed
that people select partners who are with 1 to 2 “points” of their own self-
designated “point” on the 10 point scale.

Unconscious
 DIFFERENCES: Carl Jung, famous psychology, was responsible for our
understanding of the notion that “opposites attract.” The idea is that we are
attracted to partners who complement or complete us. This can be, at a practical
level, to enhance or balance or abilities. At an unconscious level, it is believed we
seek others who exhibit repressed/undeveloped part of ourselves. Although it is
true that we are attracted to differences in some ways, the notion of “opposites
attract” is both overused and over emphasized.
  RESOLUTION: One popular notion is that we attract our partners with the
purpose of working out our life wounds and patterns, albeit at an unconscious
level—meaning we don’t realize we’re doing it on purpose. A major contributor
to this research is Harvill Hendrix and his theory is revered to as an “Imago” or a
blueprint that our unconscious mind looks for in a made that is made up of the
positive and negative traits of our caretakers, with the intention of helping to
resolve childhood wounds. More on this in the Relationship Blueprint section.
 PROGRAMMING: This is the core of this program, and we will not get into it
here. Programming includes the scripts, patterns, habits and beliefs that we
develop throughout our lives. By becoming aware of it, we are able to change it.

What is Soul Mate?

The notion of a soul mate has been around for thousands of years in different forms. The
concept is that two people come together whose souls knew each other before they met.
This often means that, prior to being born, these souls made agreements or contracts to
meet each other in life and experience certain things together. Often this pre-planned
meeting is for the purpose of learning. Sometimes it is for the purpose of living together
in a love relationship. Occasionally, it turns out to be a successful life-long relationship.

People who have experienced “soul mates” often report feeling know the person, even
when they first meet. This can be confusing, because the “feeling like you know the
person” can be an aspect of the “in love” experience as well. Soul mate connections can
usually be distinguished as being a deeper level connection or uncanny understanding of
the other. Often people who meet a soul mate say, “I thought I had a soul mate before,
but now I know the difference!”

One common misperception is that there is only one soul mate for any individual and
they must quest to find “the one”. Rather, there are multiple people one can meet which
they have a soul connection to. There is truth to the idea that there are some that are
“higher level” connections than others, as well as for different purpose. You may meet a
friend that plays a significant role in your life who feels like a soul mate. Sometimes it
can be a relative. Other times a stranger. When it happens in romantic relationships, it
doesn’t necessarily mean it is a relationship that will last—or even that it’s supposed to.
Some soul mates come together to teach each other something, just at the right time.
Others come together to have a child but do not stay together. Some soul mates come
together intending on being together forever, but they are not prepared for a healthy
relationship and so go their separate ways.

The ultimate form of relationship is a deeper level soul mate, often called a “twin flame”,
which you meet at a point in life which you are ready for an enlightened relationship—
one in which both parties are healthy, balanced and whole as individuals, coming
together with a strong connection and a deep desire to share life’s path.

But, in no way is that the only form of relationship that is valuable or fulfilling.
The purpose of this course is to help individuals prepare themselves for an enlightened
relationship. By doing so, often a soul mate falls into place. It is more important to
develop healthy relationship skills than it is to find a soul mate. Doing it in reverse is
putting the cart before the horse.