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Vanessa Servin Ponce

Mrs. Fitz

English 10, 3A

October 11, 2023

Misfit

Try too hard fitting in everywhere and you’ll end up not fitting anywhere. I am the

daughter of two Mexican immigrant parents. I was born and raised in California with Spanish as

my first language. I started learning English when I entered preschool and would say I was fully

fluent by second or third grade. Thanks to the opportunity I had to attend a bilingual charter

school, from kindergarten through eighth grade, I’d say I was equally good at both languages. I

never noticed how big of an impact constantly putting both languages to use actually made on

my ability to speak it and the level of language I was able to use until I entered high school. In

high school I found myself using Spanish significantly less than I’d used to, to the point where I

started to forget everything but the basics, everything that before made me feel accomplished as

a Spanish speaker. Simultaneously, I was starting to struggle with English too, the language I

spoke on instinct. If I couldn't speak either of those well then what could I speak? I often

wondered what happened to get to the point where I felt alienated while speaking both

languages. When did I become a misfit?

My ability to speak Spanish started continuously deteriorating to the point where I

struggled to keep a conversation in Spanish with other people. There was a point in my life

where I was very proud of how proficient my skills in Spanish were. My mom would discreetly

brag to my other aunts and uncles of how proud she was that I could speak proficient Spanish,

and although I would never say it outloud, it always made me smile and feel proud. But even
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then, I still found myself feeling cut off from the rest of my cousins who spoke Spanish. An

excerpt from Jimmy Santiago Baca’s autobiography, Working in the Dark, puts perfectly into

words how I felt. Baca expresses, “There was nothing so humiliating as being unable to express

myself, and my inarticulateness increased my sense of jeopardy, of being endangered. I felt

intimidated and vulnerable, ridiculed and scorned. Behind a mask of humility, I seethed with

mute rebellion.” (4). In his case, Baca’s referring to the fact that with his current limited

linguistic abilities, he was not able to convey the words and feelings he wanted to. He felt

suffocated and aggravated by the expectatives society had been pushing upon him to stay docile

and below those with higher education. I feel as though I know what it's like to be in that

situation, but in a slightly different way. In my case, even though I could say I knew more

Spanish than the rest of my cousins did, I still didn't feel connected to my culture. They'd talk

amongst each other using more colloquial Spanish and slang that I didn't understand as much. If

they asked if I knew what they were saying someone else would answer for me saying something

along the lines of “No pues como piensas que ella va a saber que significa eso, solo mirala?”

meaning “How could you possibly think she'd know what that means, just look at her''. I was

ashamed. Additionally, If I spoke using a word that was too formal they'd make fun of me and

ask why it spoke that way. I was jokingly made fun of for my formal spanish, but those jokes got

to me easily and only contributed to me feeling alienated from the rest of my family just for

speaking differently than them, even if it was in the same language. I felt as though I wasn't

Mexican enough for them, that I didn't belong or understand my culture. This resulted in me not

using the Spanish I knew as often, which in the long run only made my skills in that language

more limited.
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Simultaneously, during high school too, I started to notice my English wasn’t as perfect

as I thought it was. The reason my Spanish got worse was clear to me, but I'm unsure of why my

English skills started to get rusty as well. It started off with me not being able to remember the

words I wanted to use, my vocabulary becoming more limited, stuttering after getting stuck, etc.

The worst part was that it wasn't a one time occurrence, it became a constant struggle. Besides

those problems, I also noticed how other people were often correcting my pronunciation of

words, they’d make a big deal out of it which confused me. They knew what I wanted to say,

wasn't it enough that I conveyed my point? Why the need to make me feel humiliated? In her

story, Mother Tongue, Amy Tan was able to convey a similar sentiment to mine regarding

mistakes when speaking english. She states, “But to me, my mother's English is perfectly clear,

perfectly natural. It's my mother tongue. Her language, as I hear it, is vivid, direct, full of

observation and imagery. That was the language that helped shape the way I saw things,

expressed things, and made sense of the world.” (3). Tan is explaining that just because her

mothers english isn't necessarily standard english, that there's something wrong with it. It’s the

form of English she grew up with and to her it was everything that “good” English was. The

quality of her English did not affect the meaning of her words, at least to Tan. I connect to this

quote, reason being that those words I mentioned I’d be corrected on were words my family and

other spanish speakers often pronounced wrong too. They were part of the language that made

sense to me. And just how Tan says that her mothers English was vivid and made sense to her,

mine made sense to me. Even when I stuttered or forgot words, I still knew what I was trying to

say, the only thing left was saying it. Although in retrospect that was the hardest part. I knew I'd

have to think about what I wanted to say before I said it, rehearse it in my head to make sure it
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sounded correct, and then say it properly. It was so tedious that oftentimes I found myself just

not speaking at all.

Taking all this into account, I'd say Spanglish is my safe spot. It's what I'm most

comfortable speaking, especially with my parents and bilingual friends. When I can randomly

sneak a bit of Spanish into my English and it's still perfectly normal, a mix of all my linguistic

knowledge is what makes me feel most powerful. In her work, How to Tame a Wild Tongue,

Gloria Anzaldua makes a comment that I relate to; “Often it is only with another chicana Tejana

that I can talk freely” (Anzaldua). Anzaldua explains that although she knows many dialects in

English and Spanish, out of all of them the only one that comes naturally is the one she speaks

with fellow Chicana Tejanas. I am able to relate to this quote because I also know more than one

language and multiple dialects in them too, including formal and less formal ones. Out of all of

them, what I speak best is Spanglish; broken English and Spanish. Around my parents and other

friends who've had similar upbringings and understand all the mix of languages and dialects that

come instinctively is who I feel most free talking with. Where I can speak with no restriction or

judgment and still be understood. At the same time, when speaking Spanglish with my parents I

feel accomplished that I'm trying to speak mostly Spanish with them and only do filler words and

phrases I can't remember in english. I can ask them without any embarrassment on how to

properly pronounce a word in Spanish or what it means. With those people and a mix of those

languages is where I'm not a misfit.

Language can be such an empowering and imprisoning tool all at the same time, but once

you learn how to use it right and become confident in what you know, you'll excel more than

ever before. Figuring out what works for you is important. After a long journey, I realized the

way I can utilize language the best is when I use a mix of all my linguistic knowledge. Accepting
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that it's okay for me not to be perfect at either of them took me a while to come to terms with, but

in the end it's what makes me feel the most free. Also, just because I'm not perfect with either

language at the moment doesn't mean I'll give up, mistakes make room for growth and

improvement so it's important not to give up. Don’t ever put yourself down, keep trying.

Language is a huge part of my identity, and it’s one I'm proud of. I'm proud to be bilingual, I'm

proud to be Mexican, and I know that others' perception of my language does not affect my

connection with my culture, or at least I won't let it. I am not a misfit, I never was, I only needed

to find where I truly belonged. “The right place values you the right way. If you are not valued,

do not be angry, it means that you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those

who appreciate you. Never stay in a place where no one sees your value” - Unknown
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Tan, Amy. Mother Tongue. The Threepenny Review, 1990.

Baca Jimmy Santiago. Coming into Language : Essay from Working in the Dark :

Reflections of a Poet of the Barrio. Red Crane Books 1991.

Anzaldua, Gloria. “How to Tame a Wild Tongue.” Fifty Great Essays, 2011.