Lately, the issue of rise of technology in everyday life has generate a lot of debate .

some people
arguments in favor of the rise of technology influence everywhere today, most area of daily life. Other
believe that technology destroy our quality of life.the two opposing passage highlight the importance
of this issue ,however the passage argue that rise of technology is more advantage than
disadvantage.since its better supported with many fact examples and survey.

Initially, the writer claim that rise of technology helps in many factors such as companies, social place
important project and so on. From rise of technology appointment may claim through email text and
also helps to communicate in easier and faster way. This is important for parents trace their child old
people and other family member also. Where as some people blaming that technology destroy family
life and people spend more time in technology they don’t have time foe family and other people .

Furthermore, technology helps to make our lives outside of work easier like electronic calender , gps
and other carrying printed material which consume time and spend money. Whether the next essay
claim that this activities are rushing people cannot slowing and claim down that leads to many error
and work are not effective, create another problem to solve high number of work error.

In addition to this when technology is advance a whole new world of education is possibilities for us
and our future generation also. Favor of the rise in technology, the writer mentioned that “A 2014
survey of middle school students found that 83 percent said that lessons incorporating
technology,such as online game and research , would make them much more likely to be interested in
a lesson.” today we adopt the latest technology and need to recognize its benefits and adopt.

Finally , recent study shows that over 90 percent of American uses technology and take lots of
advantage fro that. In the second essay the writer mentioned that technology create lots of health
problem like hypertension vision loss lack of sleep lack of eat and exercise . due to misuse of
technology many of people physically and mentally disturb there are many resolution for this we can
minimize our screen time, and manage time for our self and family too which helps people life better.

In conclusion, rise of technology is better support and much more convincing against the rise of
technology. Where as technology have both advantage and disadvantage its depend on how people
use it . as presented advance technology is much stronger evidence than others and much better
support and significantly more convincing.

Feedback:
Trait 1: Creation of Arguments and Use of Evidence
 Score: 1
 The essay attempts to create an argument that is somewhat related to the
prompt by discussing the benefits and detriments of the rise of technology.
However, the use of evidence from the passages is minimal, and there's a
lack of depth in analyzing the issues or evaluating the arguments presented in
the passages. To improve, focus on citing specific examples or studies from
the text to back up claims, and analyze the validity and reliability of these
sources more critically.
Trait 2: Development of Ideas and Organizational Structure
 Score: 1
  The ideas presented show some logical sequence but lack strong
development and elaboration. The connections between the main ideas and
the details supporting them are weak, leading to a somewhat disjointed read.
The essay could benefit from clearer and more logical transitions and a more
structured argument where each point builds on the previous one. Using
transition words and structuring paragraphs to focus on one main idea at a
time would help enhance clarity and flow.
Trait 3: Clarity and Command of Standard English Conventions
 Score: 1
 The sentence structures are somewhat repetitive and occasionally awkward,
which interferes with clarity. Errors in grammar, spelling, and punctuation are
present and sometimes disrupt the reader's understanding. Improving
sentence variety and checking for grammatical mistakes would benefit the
overall readability of the essay. Using tools like grammar checkers or revising
sentences to ensure they are clear and direct can also help.

Total Score: 3/6 (Passing score is 2)

Here’s how you can improve your essay:

Thesis Statement and Structure: The essay attempts to address both sides of
the argument but lacks a clear thesis statement at the beginning to guide the
reader's expectations. A well-defined thesis statement would help clarify the
essay's stance from the outset. Structurally, organizing the essay into defined
paragraphs with clear topic sentences can improve readability and flow.

Original: The essay lacks a distinct thesis statement and clear paragraph
structure.
Improvement: Introduce a thesis statement at the beginning, such as "This
essay argues that while technology presents some challenges, its benefits
significantly enhance our daily lives and outweigh the potential drawbacks."
Structure the essay into distinct paragraphs each with a clear topic sentence
that relates back to this thesis.

Evidence and Examples: The essay mentions various surveys and studies,
such as the "2014 survey of middle school students" and a study about
technology usage among Americans. To strengthen the argument, consider
providing more detailed citations and expanding on how these examples
support the specific claims being made. For instance, explain how the
findings of these studies relate to broader societal impacts.

 Original: “A 2014 survey of middle school students found that 83 percent said
that lessons incorporating technology such as online game and research
would make them much more likely to be interested in a lesson.”
 Improvement: Elaborate on this evidence by linking it back to your argument,
for example: "This survey illustrates how technology can significantly
 enhance educational engagement, demonstrating its potential to positively
transform learning environments."

Grammar and Syntax: There are several grammatical errors and awkward
phrases throughout the essay ("rise of technology appointment may claim
through email text", "technology destroy family life and people spend more
time in technology they don’t have time foe family"). Proofreading for
grammatical accuracy and clearer sentence structure would significantly
enhance the presentation and credibility of the arguments.

 Original: “From rise of technology appointment may claim through

email text and also helps to communicate in easier and faster way.”
 Correction: “The rise of technology enables appointments to be made
via email or text, facilitating easier and faster communication.”
 Original: “Where as some people blaming that technology destroy
family life and people spend more time in technology they don’t have
time foe family and other people.”
 Correction: “Whereas some argue that technology destroys family life
because people spend more time online and less time with family and
friends.”

Balance and Fairness: While the essay attempts to present both sides, the
conclusion could better reflect the balance of evidence presented throughout
the essay. Instead of concluding that one side is "much stronger" without
qualification, it might be more effective to acknowledge the strengths and
limitations of both perspectives, emphasizing a more nuanced view.

 Original: “In conclusion rise of technology is better support and much more
convincing against the rise of technology.”
 Improvement: “In conclusion, while the rise of technology poses some
challenges, it also offers substantial benefits that can enhance various
aspects of life. It is important to use technology responsibly to maximize its
advantages while mitigating potential harms.”

Persuasive Techniques: Using rhetorical questions, vivid examples, and

appealing to the reader's emotions can make the arguments more
compelling. Additionally, addressing potential counterarguments more
thoroughly would demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and
enhance the essay's persuasiveness.

 Original: “Finally, recent study shows that over 90 percent of American uses
technology and take lots of advantage fro that.”
 Correction: “Finally, a recent study shows that over 90 percent of Americans
use technology and derive significant benefits from it, highlighting its integral
role in our daily lives.”
By focusing on these areas, the essay could present a more compelling, balanced,
and polished argument on the impact of technology in daily life.