Non-Violent Communication

NVC begins by assuming that we are all compassionate by nature and that violent strategies—
whether verbal or physical—are learned behaviors taught and supported by the prevailing
culture. NVC also assumes that we all share the same, basic human needs, and that each of our
actions are a strategy to meet one or more of these needs.

The model:
Empathetically listening:
Honestly expressing:
observations
observations
feelings
feelings
needs
needs
requests
requests

Both sides of the NVC model: empathetically listening and honestly expressing,
use the four steps of the model: observations, feelings, needs, requests.

This translates into communicating….

• The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being
• How we are feeling in relation to what we are observing
• The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings
• The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

Nonviolent Communication Skills

NVC offers practical, concrete skills for manifesting the purpose of creating connections of
compassionate giving and receiving based in a consciousness of interdependence and power
with others. These skills include:

• Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully OBSERVE what is happening
free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;
• Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal FEELING states
in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;
• Connecting with our universal human NEEDS/VALUES (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in
us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and
• Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want
(rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a REQUEST and not a demand (i.e.
attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than
out of willingness and compassionate giving).

These skills emphasize personal responsibility for our actions and the choices we make when
we respond to others, as well as how to contribute to relationships based in cooperation and
collaboration.

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org / cnvc@cnvc.org Phone: +1.505-244-4041
Purpose of NVC skills:
• Foster compassionate relating
• Gain consciousness of the interdependence of our well being
• Work together to meet the needs of all concerned.

This approach to communication emphasizes compassion as the motivation for action rather
than fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, threat or justification for punishment. In other words,
it is about getting what you want for reasons you will not regret later. NVC is NOT about
getting people to do what we want. It is about creating a quality of connection that gets
everyone’s needs met through compassionate giving.

The process of NVC encourages us to:

• focus on what we and others are observing separate from our interpretations and
judgments,
• to connect our thoughts and feelings to underlying human needs/values (e.g.
protection, support, love), and
• to be clear about what we would like towards meeting those needs.

These skills give the ability to translate from a language of criticism, blame, and demand into a
language of human needs.

Nonviolent Communication skills will help you to:

• deal with major blocks to communication such as demands, diagnoses and blaming.
• express yourself honestly without attacking.
• minimize the likelihood of facing defensive reactions in others.
• make clear requests.
• receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or
losing self-esteem.

These skills are useful with family, friends, students, subordinates, supervisors, co-workers and
clients, as well as with your own internal dialogues.

Skills you will need to practice:

1. Observing without judging
2. Listening empathetically
3. Detecting your feelings and expressing them
4. Detecting your needs and expressing them
5. Formulating specific, positive, realistic and negotiable requests
6. In general: taking responsibility for your communication without being attached to the
outcome

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org / cnvc@cnvc.org Phone: +1.505-244-4041
Feelings when your needs are satisfied

AFFECTIONATE CONFIDENT
GRATEFUL PEACEFUL
compassionate empowered
appreciative calm
friendly open
moved clear headed
loving proud
thankful comfortable
open hearted safe
touched centered
sympathetic secure
content
tender INSPIRED
EXCITED equanimous
warm amazed
amazed fulfilled
ENGAGED awed
animated mellow
absorbed wonder
ardent quiet
alert
aroused JOYFUL relaxed
curious
astonished amused relieved
engrossed
dazzled delighted satisfied
enchanted
eager glad serene
entranced
energetic happy still
fascinated
enthusiastic jubilant tranquil
interested
giddy pleased trusting
intrigued
invigorated tickled
involved REFRESHED
lively
spellbound EXHILARATED enlivened
passionate
stimulated blissful rejuvenated
surprised
ecstatic renewed
HOPEFUL vibrant
elated rested
expectant
enthralled restored
encouraged
exuberant revived
optimistic
radiant
rapturous
thrilled

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org / cnvc@cnvc.org Phone: +1.505-244-4041
Feelings when your needs are not satisfied

AFRAID CONFUSED EMBARRASSED TENSE

apprehensive ambivalent ashamed anxious
dread baffled chagrined cranky
foreboding bewildered flustered distressed
frightened dazed guilty distraught
mistrustful hesitant mortified edgy
panicked lost self-conscious fidgety
petrified mystified frazzled
FATIGUE
scared perplexed irritable
beat
suspicious puzzled jittery
burnt out
terrified torn nervous
depleted
wary overwhelmed
DISCONNECTED exhausted
worried restless
alienated lethargic
stressed out
ANNOYED aloof listless
aggravated apathetic sleepy VULNERABLE
dismayed bored tired fragile
disgruntled cold weary guarded
displeased detached worn out helpless
exasperated distant insecure
PAIN
frustrated distracted leery
agony
impatient indifferent reserved
anguished
irritated numb sensitive
bereaved
irked removed shaky
devastated
uninterested
ANGRY grief YEARNING
withdrawn
enraged heartbroken envious
furious DISQUIET hurt jealous
incensed agitated lonely longing
indignant alarmed miserable nostalgic
irate discombobulated regretful pining
livid disconcerted remorseful wistful
outraged disturbed
SAD
resentful perturbed
depressed
rattled
AVERSION dejected
restless
animosity despair
shocked
appalled despondent
startled
contempt disappointed
surprised
disgusted discouraged
troubled
dislike disheartened
turbulent
hate forlorn
turmoil
horrified gloomy
uncomfortable
hostile heavy hearted
uneasy
repulsed hopeless
unnerved
melancholy
unsettled
unhappy
upset
wretched

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org / cnvc@cnvc.org Phone: +1.505-244-4041
List of Needs

CONNECTION CONNECTION continued HONESTY MEANING

acceptance safety authenticity awareness
affection security integrity celebration of life
appreciation stability presence challenge
belonging support clarity
PLAY
cooperation to know and be known competence
joy
communication to see and be seen consciousness
humor
closeness to understand and contribution
PEACE
community be understood creativity
beauty
companionship trust discovery
communion
compassion warmth efficacy
ease
consideration effectiveness
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
equality
consistency growth
air
harmony
empathy hope
food
inspiration
inclusion learning
movement/exercise
order
intimacy mourning
rest/sleep
love AUTONOMY participation
sexual expression
mutuality choice purpose
safety
nurturing freedom self-expression
shelter
respect/self-respect independence stimulation
touch
space to matter
water
spontaneity understanding

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org / cnvc@cnvc.org Phone: +1.505-244-4041